The Bee Weekly: Kids Write Bee Headlines and The Corrupt U.S. Government
Kyle, Adam, and Jarret commune to discuss the inevitable destruction of the earth as a result of nuclear war, high gas prices (yes, this is still a thing), Rachel Levine being… a thing, and Obama getting COVID! Hilarious! A new edition of Babylon Bee Radio is hot off the air waves (is that a thing?). Austin uses his sensual voice to give you the fake news that really matters. Need more fake news? Check out headlines written by kids and some unsolicited headlines from the deep underdark that perhaps should never have seen the light of day. We also sit down with Patrick Newman to discuss government cronyism. Did you know the government has been corrupt since the beginning of time? Now you do!
President Zelensky asks Congress to do him a solid and start a nuclear war with Russia.
USA Today names Rachel Levine, their woman of the year.
End of joke.
Barack Obama has COVID.
You can read all about it in his all-new 12th memoir.
And we talked to Patrick Newman about cronyism and how the government is totally corrupt.
The world is impossible to satirize, so we give up writing headlines and force children to write jokes for our entertainment instead.
All this and more on the B weekly.
Welcome everyone to the Babylon Bee Weekly.
As World War III begins, we sit around and laugh about it.
I like that you got your Bucky's shirt on.
Oh, yeah.
I got the Bucky's mug.
Bucky's mug.
Yeah.
And if anybody from Bucky's is watching, we would love a sponsorship.
We'd love a sponsorship, and we would love to have the founder of Bucky's on.
I'd love to talk to that guy.
I'd love to interview him.
He's like an interesting man, yeah.
I had this idea.
Like, did it come to him in a dream?
Uh-huh.
I would like a gas station, but with 150 pumps.
Yeah.
I mean, how do you come up with that?
Do you think God gave him the dimensions?
The bathrooms will be this many cubits long.
It's like Mike Lindell, like a Michael Dell kind of thing.
Or Noah.
I think you were referring to Noah more than.
Yeah, when we interviewed Mike Lindell, he was always talking about that.
Like God came to him in a dream and said, no, was he really?
Like, now you need to do sheets.
You know, like, his product ideas all come to him and you have to get them from the Giza region between the Nile and the whatever.
That's good.
That's good.
Unmixed fabrics and all the stuff.
The Cedars of Lebanon.
Yeah.
Yes.
So to the sad news.
We're talking about World War III.
I pronounce everything wrong.
How do you, what is Kiev?
Well, it depends.
I used to, when I was growing up and I learned about that city, I thought it was Kiev.
And now I've heard it's just Kiev, but I also think it used to be spelled K-I-E-V in English.
Yeah.
And then they changed it to Kiev.
Well, isn't there something about if you want to side with the Ukrainians, you have to say Kiev.
Oh, yeah.
They made it a political name.
Oh, really?
Oh, is Kiev the more Russian pronunciation?
Yeah, so Kiev is the Russian.
Does anyone say Kweev?
Are you going to make me edit that?
Not anyone that's not in junior high.
So just today, I think Zelensky asked Congress to start World War III by shooting down Russian plants to enforce a no-fly zone.
It's one of those things that sounds like no-fly zoning.
That's just enforceable.
That's reasonable.
But then as soon as they have to enforce it, then shots.
Who's going to do it?
It's going to dog three.
Dogfights in the sky.
It is like, I mean, you know, there's so much craziness during this administration, but how the left whined for four years that they were afraid Trump was going to start nuclear war in World War III.
And now a year into Biden, it's like we're closer than we've ever been at any point to that.
Didn't they move the DEF CON?
They moved the DEF CON down from for daylight savings time.
They moved the doomsday clock forward.
So daylight savings time made permanent by the Senate.
It still has to get signed by the House, approved by the House and sent to the President.
You know what annoys me about the whole thing is I think we should do away with the clock changing.
But the way they word it, it's like they're going to vote to make daylight savings time permanent.
Rather than saying like it should be, we're going to not have it.
But it's because the way the time is, they're like, they're just going to make it permanent.
It feels like it should be, we're going to do away with it.
Yeah, but it's, but it is the daylight savings time that they're making permanent, which is where you get the extra hour at the end of the day.
It's just all year.
It's that.
And this is all about sort of agriculture, isn't it?
Like, the reason why we have the extra daylight is for us.
It's unfortunately, but it doesn't make any sense.
And we're not an agrarian society anymore, so why are we still doing that?
Although we might be after World War III.
That's true.
And then we'll vote to bring it the 10 of us that are left.
But that's what'll happen from our shelters.
It'll be us and the Amish.
I think it'll be a lot of fun.
I found out a life has this year during Daylight Savings Time.
I was in Indiana doing comedy shows, and I had a red eye flight back from the Eastern Time Zone to Pacific time zone the night that daylight savings took effect.
So I had a nick gain of two hours.
Because I gained three from traveling, lost one from day, so I still come out ahead.
That's nice.
That's good.
I always like flying this way because it's a big time.
Flying the other way, it takes me like weeks to get my clock.
Oh, I totally agree.
How was the Indiana shows that you did?
They were good.
I did this place called the Fort Wayne Comedy Club.
The first two shows were awesome.
And then the last show was a very small crowd, about eight people, and they were probably the dumbest audience I've ever had in my entire life.
If they're watching, you were the dumbest crowd I ever had in my entire life.
But I opened for this great comic Quinn Patterson.
He was really funny.
People should check him out.
I like that comic.
Good.
Hey, did you know that Star Trek Strange New Worlds cast a new young James T. Kirk?
I didn't.
I don't follow the new one a whole lot.
It just says it on the notes.
I assume you wrote that.
I didn't.
People put, because they know I like Star Trek, now they put Star Trek stuff in here.
He's got a good look.
I don't know.
I mean, he looks.
Ooh, you like him.
Yeah.
So I saw The Batman yesterday and I was telling my wife about it.
And she was like, how did Robert Pattinson do?
And I immediately started talking about his chiseled jaw.
Oh, yeah.
But it was just like, he's got the good Batman look.
You know, he's such a chiseled jaw.
And I went on for a few minutes about his chiseled jaw.
You kind of have to have a pointy nose and a chiseled jaw.
Like, it's kind of those two things.
Yeah.
This bat suit, rubber nipples or no rubber nipples?
No rubber nipples.
Very disappointing.
Oh, that's too bad.
Yeah.
I always thought, I think Robert Patterson is one of the best actors of our generation.
I think he's really, really good.
Yes.
I mean, if you've seen him.
What have you seen him in besides, like, I only ever saw one of the Twilights?
I don't even remember which one it was, but I didn't like those movies.
No, of course not.
They're trash, right?
They're absolute trash.
I kind of liked it.
I mean, he likes Broadway.
I think the jawline and the Twilight movies.
And the Twilight movies.
That's a problem.
I'm going to do a segment where we send Kyle to Conversion Camp.
I mean, the Sparkly Vampires.
Anyway, all this to say, I saw him in the movie Henry V or Henry, was it Henry VIII or just Henry?
It was called Henry.
One of the Henri's.
What is this, that guy, Timothy Chalamagne?
The guy from Doom.
He's usually good.
And he played Henry, and there was a fight.
He was a French king.
So Robert Patterson played the French king that Henry V was fighting in order to kind of gain dominance over Normandy or something.
And so, but he was out of this world.
If you've seen him in anything other than Twilight, he's very talented.
Yeah, he's exceptional.
How was his jaw in that one?
It was.
Well, I noticed his French accent more than his jaw, but it was great.
His French accent was so good.
Nice.
I'm going to go.
Oh, you need to see this movie.
By the way, it's great.
It's brutal.
Okay.
Check it out.
It's really good.
Hey, let's do a Babylon B Banger of the Week.
Hey, everyone.
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I don't want to know what they use the tactical pocket for.
Banger of the week.
Amish Man smiles smugly as he rides by gas station with $6 prices.
What's the deal with gas prices?
But now we're taking away their daylight savings time.
So that's good.
Amish still has a lot of money.
Oh, that's true.
I don't know if Amisho is still.
We got him back.
I kind of think the Amish aren't really paying attention to any of that anyway.
What's the guess out by you?
What did I see?
639 I saw, I think, the last time I drove by.
I've seen that as the highest number out here.
I've seen a few that are like the supreme, you know.
I've seen ones that are over seven, like pictures of them online, but I haven't seen it in person.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Across the street here is the cheapest gas in town at Arco.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
And it's like something 630 Street.
I filled up my tank.
I filled up my tank when we were visiting the new office, and it was like $125 to fill my tank up.
Yeah.
What do you drive?
Jeep Grand Cherry.
Oh, that's right.
It's the license.
It's got a Penn State.
It's got a Penn State sticker on the back address here.
Yeah.
Let's get into that.
We also have a bomb of the week.
Bomb of the week.
Planned Parenthood adds gender surgery services so they can carve up kids after birth, too.
See, I like that joke.
It's just something that you wouldn't click share on.
And it's one of those where you don't know whether to like if you like the joke, it's still not a positive thing.
You really don't want people to know you liked it.
It's true.
But I just said it to everyone.
So I heard you angry reacted to about.
I angry reacted to the one about coffee being better than tea.
I'm a tea drinker, and I'll die on that hill.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Got to do one of those boomer-angry movies.
I said, I like the way coffee smells when someone's making it, but I've never, I don't like to drink it.
I've always been a tea drinker.
Yeah.
What's in your cup right now?
Right now, it's one of those like seltzers that are in here because whoever stocks up that fridge never gets normal sodas or normal drinks.
It's always just whatever bizarre new seltzer we can fit in there.
So that's what I wind up drinking.
But it's out of a Bucky's mug, so it's good.
I'm drinking out of a Babylon B mug, and it's coffee.
Colorado mug.
You're just drinking something wet.
Anything wet you'll drink.
What are you guys all drinking?
I noticed the words.
There's whisky.
The whiskers are having some whiskey.
Was that Dan?
I don't know.
Okay.
Anyway.
Every time Dan's here, the whiskey moves around.
Let's go to this week's Babylon B Radio with Austin Robertson.
Factually inaccurate.
Morally correct.
This is Babylon B Radio.
Our top story.
In a shocking move, likely to intensify the threat of nuclear war, President Zelensky took the unprecedented step of asking Congress to send Florida, Georgia Line to play a concert for Russian troops.
I do not ask this lightly.
I know full well the consequences we all may face for such action.
We unleash the full evil of pro-country against humanity at our own peril.
But the peril of our foes must match our own.
It is therefore with a heavy heart that I ask America to finally take decisive action and send it to Corsetur to the Russian camps.
You know not what you ask, shouted Florida Senator Marco Rubio, himself a one-time concert survivor.
Yet with the failure of sanctions combined with Biden's insistence on no military action, after hours of debate, Congress gave in.
God help us, cried Ted Cruz as he cast his vote.
At publishing time, sources say Florida, Georgia Line is super stoked about the concert and will be joined on stage by Luke Bryan, Jason Aldean, and Satan, who's a huge bro-country guy.
The 10th installment of the popular Fast and Furious franchise is currently in pre-production.
But due to high gas prices, production has been delayed so that the script can be rewritten to feature bicycles instead of cars.
One new action sequence is set to feature lead protagonist Dom Toretto on a beach cruiser bicycle trying to escape enemies on e-bikes.
Another has him being chased through the streets of Seattle while evading pedestrians.
The sequence reaches an explosive crescendo when Dom ramps his racing bike over the space needle.
That's not to say there won't be any cars in the film.
Director Justin Lynn is having a team of digital artists add CG cars to the background of certain scenes so viewers don't experience bike fatigue.
Fast and Furious Bicycle Drift will pedal wildly into theaters on May 19, 2023.
Planned Parenthood has long been seen as a reliable provider of unborn baby murder.
Unfortunately, however, more and more women around the country are choosing to let their children live, which has hurt Planned Parenthood's bottom line in recent years.
In a brilliant move to recover lost revenue, Planned Parenthood has added transgender hormones and surgery to their list of services, enabling them to make money off the kids who escape abortion by carving up and maiming them after they're born, in the name of trans rights.
Planned Parenthood Dr. Damien Gould.
Butchering and maiming children has always been my life's passion.
Now, thanks to gender ideology and our new gender services, I can carve up kids from kindergarten to high school, as well as in the womb.
Woohoo!
Planned Parenthood has written sex ed curricula for schools across the country to ensure kids become gender confused and enter the Planned Parenthood sales pipeline at a very young age.
They hope that with time they will accomplish their goal of murdering, drugging, or butchering every last child in the country.
We're proud of the work we do with Planned Parenthood.
Who knows?
The next child we serve could be yours.
Dr. Gould then sprouted leathery wings and screeched an ancient Sumerian incantation before sinking into the ground in a plume of fire.
A team of beverage scientists released a report this week that details an incredible discovery.
Tea tastes best when dumped out and replaced with coffee.
Tea makers have protested the findings, suggesting that the research was stifled by an obvious coffee bias.
The beverage scientists, each an expert in their field, have dismissed the naysayers, releasing a joint statement saying, quote, no bias here, just great tea.
The study was funded by a $500,000 grant from the state of Washington.
And now a special report.
The Babylon Bee has selected Rachel Levine as its first annual Man of the Year.
Levine is the U.S. Assistant Secretary for Health for the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, where he serves proudly as the first man in that position to dress like a Western cultural stereotype of a woman.
He is also an admiral in the U.S. Public Health Service Commission Corps.
What a boss.
Rachel's original name is Richard Levine, but he changed it to Rachel for some strange reason a few years ago.
Who cares?
Who says a dude as accomplished as this can't be named Rachel?
The king doesn't care what people think about him.
He often wears a dress, which some people think is weird, but he doesn't care one bit.
Come on, men in India wear dress-tight garments, don't they?
Rachel's message is to, quote, be true to yourself.
And we at the Babylon Bee couldn't agree more.
This man is breaking barriers and showing us all the true meaning of courage.
We applaud this precious and perfectly made child of God for all his accomplishments and hope he stays true to who God made him to be.
Since announcing this award, we've been told that Levine actually identifies as a woman.
We have still chosen to give the award as his self-identification has no bearing on the truth.
Congratulations, Rachel Levine.
Now you're up to date on the only news that matters.
Find more fake news you can trust at BabylonBee.com.
Until next time, this is Austin Robertson, the voice of the Babylon Bee.
So long.
Across the country, Americans are discovering that if we want to change this nation, we have to change the way the marketplace works.
Woke corporations are seeking to divide us.
Big banks are freezing the accounts of people that disagree with their political views.
And our supply chain is dependent upon countries that are actively working against our values.
It's time for a change, and that change starts with you and your wallet.
That's why we at the Babylon Bee are proud to partner with Public SQ, the largest directory of freedom-loving businesses our nation has ever seen.
Public SQ is the first app to connect freedom-loving Americans with their local community and the businesses that share their values.
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Public SQ.
It's time for the weekly news with Adam Jetzer.
This week, Jussie Smullett became the second famous subway customer to be sentenced to jail.
Jussie was placed in a psych ward in prison because he was deemed at risk for self-harm.
His legal team claims he is not at risk for self-harm, even though he has written himself several threatening letters.
Jussie's legal team is also demanding that he be immediately released from prison due to the chance of catching COVID.
But doctors say you're actually more likely to get sick walking 20 minutes in sub-zero temperatures to get a foot long.
Senator Mitt Romney accused Tulsi Gabbard of spreading Russian propaganda and treasonous lies.
Then they fought over the last box of Touch of Gray at CVS.
USA Today has named Assistant Secretary of Health Rachel Levine one of its women of the year.
Levine learned about the honor from the newspaper they hang above the urinal.
Oh no.
After, you know, like when Rachel has to go relieve the Admiral.
After seeming to retire a month ago, Tom Brady announced that he will return next season with the Buccaneers.
He decided to take one last shot at getting CTE.
COVID also came out of retirement this week to infect Barack Obama.
Obama said he has a scratchy throat and can no longer taste the dog he's eating.
That was from his first memoir.
He admitted he eats dog.
Yeah, when he was a kid, he said he ate a dog.
I thought it was just a racist joke.
It was the wrong race.
No, he said he did that.
Yeah.
I didn't get your races mixed up for your racist joke.
He keeps doing it.
Kamala Harris's husband, second gentleman Doug Amhoff, has also tested positive for COVID.
He's not experiencing symptoms, but to be safe, he's taking four years off of work.
New lockdowns are being enacted in China due to a COVID outbreak.
And according to official numbers from the Chinese government, this is the first COVID outbreak they've experienced.
According to U.S. intelligence, Vladimir Putin has asked China for help.
And it's no joke, Putin wants to put pee-pee in the Ukrainian's Coke.
It's true, it's true.
See that when I got the racist reference right.
On Monday, Instagram shut down its app service in Russia.
Sadly, there are now no more hot girls on Instagram, just bearded ladies and irritating American feminists.
This is a sacrifice we're all going to have to deal with to help Ukraine.
Pete Davidson will travel to space aboard a Blue Origin rocket next week.
Sadly, he'll then return to Earth.
In a bizarre story, a woman in Las Vegas met a random man on plenty of fish, then stabbed him during sex as revenge for the U.S. killing of Iranian General Soleimani.
The victim is recovering and said he's just happy to match with someone who wasn't fat or a single mom.
Oh, yeesh.
Yeesh.
To promote Paramount's new Halo series, light-up drones formed a giant 600-foot QR code in the sky over Austin, causing old people across Texas to ask if they could have a paper menu instead.
I like the paper menu.
Yeah, a lot of people do, old people.
WWE Hall of Famer Scott Hall died this week at the age of 63.
There were a lot of touching tributes on my Facebook feed, and it was very sad seeing how many of my adult friends still like pro wrestling.
Nicholas Cage is receiving rave reviews for playing himself in a new comedy.
It's called Face On, and in it, he keeps his face on.
You want to cut that one?
You guys didn't like that one.
That's funny.
I pitched it to a friend and he liked it, but face off.
We'll see.
I get it.
A new study found that dancing is good for masculinity and helps men better understand their identity.
The study was conducted by the Association to Turn Men Gay.
Cat Williams had to end a show in Nashville in the middle of his set after the theater received a bomb threat.
Apparently, Pete Davidson wanted to perform.
This Thursday was St. Patrick's Day.
To commemorate the holiday, Joe Biden recalled the time he was arrested marching with St. Patrick.
That's it for the weekly news.
If you want to see more, check out the canceled news on my YouTube channel.
As a Christian, you know that God is always there for you.
But sometimes things in this life can get overwhelming.
It's a crazy time, especially with the pandemic and all that stuff.
It's important to speak to a counselor, but you definitely want to talk to one who shares your faith and values.
Online counseling from faithful counseling is there for you.
You have Christian counselors who share your faith, who can deal with crisis of faith issues, and just deal with normal stuff that every human deals with, like depression, stress, anxiety, relationships, all that kind of stuff.
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Everything you share is confidential.
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Go to faithfulcounseling.com slash Babylon B. You're going to fill out a questionnaire and it'll help them assess your needs and get you matched with a counselor who shares your faith and a counselor that you'll love.
That's faithfulcounseling.com slash Babylon B. Thanks, Adam.
Once again, that was the best part of the podcast.
Man, love that guy.
Yeah.
It was up there.
It was the top five segments.
Top five.
It was pretty funny, man.
That one was good.
So we here at the Babylon Bee have trouble writing satire sometimes because reality is too absurd.
So we got a sneak peek inside the Babylon B writer's room in this video.
So do we want to?
In the high-rise downtown.
In the high-rise downtown where we write everything.
Yeah.
And if you watch close, you might recognize two of the actors in this.
Actors?
What?
Just the writers, man.
All right, let's check it out.
All right, man, we just got to come up with one more joke, and then we can blow this joy.
Okay, what about some crazy satire on some of the insane things that the Democrats are doing right now?
Oh, that's good.
Come on.
Okay, what about this?
What if we have a prominent Democrat?
Okay.
And we have them pose maskless, but get this.
They're in a room full of school children who are all wearing masks.
Guys, guys.
Oh, sorry.
You gotta come.
Come on.
How can we write satire when the dumbest thing that we can think of is something the Democrats have already done?
It's all right.
It's all right.
We just have to go dumber.
I got one.
Apple introduces a pregnant man emoji.
Yes!
It already happened.
John Kerry warns that the war in Ukraine might distract from climate change.
He actually did that.
CDC says the social distance and follow-up shows.
A math professor says that two plus two equals four is racist.
Man who destroyed women in sports is celebrated as a hero.
It already happened.
BLM protesters were nominated for Nobel Peace Prize.
Happened.
God.
Biden's policies make gas prices go to something crazy like $7 a gallon.
It cost me $100 to fill up this morning.
Seriously?
What about a Lutheran church that hosts a drag queen Bible story hour?
That happened too.
Cosmo magazine features a morbidly obese woman on the cover as the picture of health.
Happens.
Give up!
Satire is impossible!
Oh, no, no!
We can do it, Kyle.
We can do it.
We just have to think of something that's so dumb that it can't possibly be true.
But that would have to be the dumbest thing in the history of the world.
Okay, okay, what about this?
What if Joe Biden instituted a program to give crackpipes to drug addicts?
Yes, brilliant.
And here's the topper.
He says it's for racial equity.
But what does enabling drug addiction have to do with racial equity?
Exactly!
That's what's so brilliant.
He says everything's about racial equity, but it makes no sense.
You see, Travis, that is satire.
Yeah, but here's the thing.
No.
No, you tell me that happened, Travis.
If you tell me that happened, I'm going to take that laptop.
I'm going to yeet it right out that gosh darn window.
No, of course that didn't happen.
That's that's nothing that I just read on the internet right now.
I don't read.
Exactly.
It's brilliant.
And you're brilliant.
I love you.
No, you are brilliant, and I like you too.
Equity.
I'm going to be laughing about that one the whole way home.
And his son's a crack addict.
Even Biden's too self-aware to do something like that.
Classic.
Hey, guys, dinner's here.
Did you remember to get my plant-based charizo?
You got it, fam.
Hey, by the way, did you guys hear about this crazy news story where the president's giving out free crack pipes?
Such a difficult time.
Poor Travis.
Yeah.
Getting laptops yeeted.
Yeah, I had to get a new laptop after that.
We needed his laptop.
Yeeting is always hard.
Is that covered under the warranty?
Yeah.
A yeet.
I don't think yeet is less than terms and conditions.
Yeah.
I like a good yeet.
So because it's so hard to write satire, instead we are going to turn to the children of Babylon B subscribers.
And we are going to use forced child labor to write our headlines.
We told all our subscribers to tell their children to write some Babylon B headlines.
And we're going to see how the children did.
We've done this a couple times before.
You can look back in the back episodes of the podcast.
Here we go.
Kids write the darndest headlines.
This is probably, I think, the third time we've had children write Babylon B headlines.
All right, this is Kergel said she got her daughter to give her a couple, and her daughter's 14 years old.
House cats go on strike after owners are one second late feeding them.
Not bad, not bad.
That's pretty good.
Math teacher rethinks his classroom lessons after students riots for, after students riot for pizza.
This is good.
This is hidden home.
Okay.
Strong so far.
This one's from Jungle Biker.
I think is a racist slur.
I'm not sure what's going on there.
Kiddos 8, 10, 13 collaborated on this one.
While searching for caveman toenails, archaeologist discovers skeleton of the first sandwich.
That is my favorite headline I've ever read.
That's fantastic.
that's really good uh this one is from careful careful i know I know this one's another racial.
I'm not sure.
Fern Higgins.
Fern Higgins.
You should have been more careful.
Fern Higgins.
Okay, anyway, so they got the daughter who was 16 to do this.
For Pi Day, gas prices to be reduced to 3.14.
Okay, $3.
$3.14.
However, at publishing time, it was revealed that this was the E85 gas.
That's good.
I like the tacking on the extra punch slide.
Yeah, that's good.
She wrote part of the article for us.
She wrote that.
That's like the starter listing of the opioid.
Well done.
All right, this is from Reckless for Life, who actually is a kid.
This person, this user says, I am 16 and a kid.
I might qualify here.
Alaska buried under 20 feet of snow.
News coverage, zero seconds.
California sees a snowflake.
News coverage six hours.
There's something there.
Something accurate.
Stormwatch.
Stormwatch 2022.
2022.
This is from Bubba Munch73.
Oh, boy.
Yeah.
He's a real Bubba Munch.
His son's 16 or this.
Justin Trudeau states he was banned from Russia because he's black.
That's good, man.
Always, always a good.
That just keeps on giving.
Totally.
Okay.
This one's from Eoin, who I didn't realize was so young 12 hours ago.
Let's see.
There's a gigantosaurus on the loose, an eight-year-old friend of mine.
Okay.
That one, you know.
That's good.
Maybe it's a context.
Yeah, I think.
Yeah, that's good.
This is from Doc Dorian.
His six-year-old daughter writes.
Tooth fairies in Ukraine have guns to shoot down Russians while they visit kids.
I love the Photoshop ideas.
All right, Travis, starting on the Photoshop.
Yeah, that's really good.
This one's from Velsbotto.
Daughter 7 wrote this one.
Dad snores so much the house shakes.
And son, 10 years old, wrote this.
Ukraine and Russia stop fighting because they run out of pizza.
Oh, that's good.
If only that were the case.
Okay, so Brother Tim, whose daughter is three, wrote this.
A moose wearing a mustache and playing a tuba.
A dog driving a car on a piano.
A dinosaur playing a tuba.
All three of those are perfect.
Those are actually really good.
Absolute gold with a card and daith on a lateral shotgun the walls fall.
Those actually would make really good sense.
It reminds me.
Yes.
Those would make great t-shirts, too, if you guys ever.
Brother Tim Son 7, Teddy Roosevelt's favorite game was Madden 25.
I don't get it.
That's awesome.
Son 10 saying Minecraft is selfish.
Christians should say Shercraft.
Sharecraft.
That's awesome.
And then his son 12, scholar says Benjamin Franklin's pen name was Penj.
That kid's got a future.
That's awesome.
Daughter age three again.
Another one.
Clothes driving a car full of lettuce.
Another great t-shirt.
We need snapping in the background with a little jazz lion going.
That's great.
Clothes driving.
This next one is from 2 plus 2 is chicken.
Kelsey, age 3, wrote this.
Dragon eats prince, Aurora now very lonely.
That's good.
And sad.
Sad.
That's awesome.
Carissa, age 6, said, girl eats ring pop, gets superpowers.
Like it.
Sounds like a good one.
Kylie 8.
Man sneezes so hard he goes back in time.
Hamburger screams when woman bites it.
That's funny.
Monkey eats headphones off women's head.
Yeah.
Here's one.
I like the hamburger one.
That's my favorite one.
Here's another one from F.R. Niggins.
Daughter, 16, kid says candy self-identifies as vegetable.
Harvard, print it.
That's actually good.
That's one of the two jokes, right?
That's a really good one.
And then, are these also from that person, Khabija?
Oh, no.
That's a new one.
That's a new one.
So Khabija, okay, son Noah 4 says, all the toys die.
That's good.
That sounds like my son.
Anyway, Lily 6 said, evil popcorn takes over the world.
These are like very dark children.
I'm curious about what kind of environment Khabija has for the children.
They watch a lot of Marvel.
Slightly Desperate Housewife says a kid in church this past Sunday wrote this one.
Lawnmowers are taking over the city.
That's a good one.
That's good.
This one's from Captain Waffle.
There's a few kids at Smith.
Emsley, age nine, wrote, what did the cucumber say to the carrot?
You have a longer nose.
Kylan, age 11, said, scientists measure asteroid and find that it's one meteor long.
That's a great one.
Case, age 14, wrote, adults tire of passing gas signs on commute home.
Maybe this is pure Teja's sock puppet occasion.
Yeah.
This is good.
Okay, so Holy Diver, his son Owen, who's 10, says, it's everything day and we can go crazy.
Sounds like a dream.
Wes 9 said, I said Nippelheim by mistake.
What was he trying?
I think he must have been trying to say something about Norse mythology.
I don't know.
Nippleheim.
It's where all the nipples live.
This one is from SPSVMI99, whose daughter age 8 wrote, President Pooh Pooh Pants invades Ukraine.
This is from G.I. Joel Berry.
Son Henry, age 9, wrote, Biden actually an alien from the planet Sniffersville.
Okay.
G.I. Joel.
Yeah, you got another one.
Oh, another one from Henry age 9.
Biden takes over the world so he can turn all the houses into giant piles of ice cream.
One more.
You can take this one, Jared.
Okay, yes.
There we go.
Kergel, age 14, said, annoying mom keeps asking kid for headlines.
Meta joke.
Yeah, there we go.
So I was curious if the kids of the Babylon Bee were funnier than the randos online who send us unsolicited headline submissions.
So we're going to compare.
That was all the kid submissions.
And then I went through the mailbag.
So these are not from subscribers.
These are just from random people.
Like comments or emails.
These were all emailed to our contact.
Okay.
So let's see from the depths of the Babylon B mailbag how bad some of these are or good.
Maybe if you like them.
I don't know.
Relax.
Barack and Michelle purchased luxury mansion with the intent of opening the world's largest methadone clinic.
Relax.
I get it.
They're going to use it is what he's saying.
I guess.
Here's an idea.
There are massive changes in education from the youngest years onwards.
Big barn style learning.
Many don't have enough desks and chairs.
Children have to sit on the floor.
It is not due to poverty, but it is a strategy the educators have.
The educators can say how wonderful it is that the children can sit where it is most comfortable for them.
Fast forward, depict offices where these grown-ups lie around on the floor at their place of work because it what they have grown.
Okay, so.
Gold.
I wish I had the ages of the adults.
I think I get that one anyway.
I can guess.
Okay, here's another one.
Today, a boy cited an open poem on Fox Friends with peanut-like music.
I had an idea for you to do an article about him reciting the poem with no credit to Charlie Brown.
I thought I would share this idea with you.
Thank you.
I sure did.
Thank you for sharing.
Are these like headline pitches or are these like, are some of these sketch sketch thyself?
I think it's probably both.
I think most people are trying to give us the seed of something and then they want us to run a turn.
Take care.
You should do a joke about this.
Although some of them specifically say, here's a headline of the air story.
Right.
But I find that is one of the issues is that they think of something that would need to be developed over three or four minutes, but they think it's a headline.
I don't know.
Here's one.
Headline.
Iranian army launches recruitment campaign.
Brochures sent to all progressive Democrats.
Democrats unanimously reject recruitment because of outrage that production of the pamphlets killed trees and because they're afraid any weapons issued to them may autonomously try to kill them when they're not looking.
That is complicated.
Here's an idea.
After nearly 400,000 anchor babies were born in 2019, surpassing births in most states, Democrats are changing their mantra from save the trees and kill the babies to save the babies and kill the trees, saying, they'll be voting for us in the near future.
Why do we need to keep killing our babies?
Trees, who needs them?
As such, they're considering challenging the legality of Roe v. Wade.
And then the article would start after that.
I like to think of these as headlines.
Yeah, it's probably the.
It sounds like the plot to have that hideous strength.
Here's an idea for a story.
Sale of Pinata Skyrocket is people are focused to stay home during quarantine.
You take it from me.
You fix what I just wrote.
We might need some grammar correction, too.
Oh, my gosh.
All right, here's one.
VA Hospital discovers human skeletal carcass while taking down Halloween decorations.
Then have a commentary about how everyone thought the skeleton was just decoration.
Some noticed a bad odor for a while, but it turned out to be a veteran waiting to be called for an appointment.
Oh, yeah.
There's the seed of like the skeleton waiting, I guess, is maybe there, but yeah, a little too complicated.
That's always funny.
It depends on how you do the picture, I guess.
Yeah.
Kamala gets Biden removed using the 25th Amendment.
Kamala then reveals that her real name is Lisa Simpson.
Another proof that The Simpsons' prophecies are from the true God.
Oh, man.
Okay, that's a good idea.
Sample plan.
Wow.
Okay, here we go.
How about an article that would get the government to stop all masking mandates?
The article simply states that a study was done and it found that gay people wearing masks for a prolonged period of time now want to go straight.
That would end all mask mandates immediately.
Absolute gold.
I think we should cut that one too, dude.
I cut that one.
I like it.
Okay.
Yeah, it's great.
It's really good.
I'm going to publish it on the battlefield.
Yeah.
That's the worst thing.
I like it for being bad enough for this segment.
Okay.
Just an idea.
All yours if you like it.
Hallmark Channel new Godwink series, Woke of the Living Body Snatchers.
Pods everywhere.
Okay.
This one they put an explanation here.
I tried to submit an idea, but it said I needed to be a premium subscriber, which I am.
I forgive your premature.
Marshmallow.
Anyway, I'm going to California tomorrow for a wedding, and my dad is staying back in Minnesota to take care of all of our dogs.
Oh, good.
So I thought of what I could bring back with Father's Day coming up.
Tell me.
If you had a t-shirt that said, my daughter went to California and all she brought back was Hep C, I thought maybe you guys could make that funny and not creepy.
Love you guys.
I'm not sure there's any way to make that not creepy.
Yeah.
They need some punctuation.
Yeah, that was good.
It was written like Hebrew.
Backwards.
Yeah.
No punctuation.
We're now going to go to an interview with Patrick Newman about cronyism in the government, which is like a topic that, I don't know, it's very specific.
Cronyism from 1607 to 1849.
So he's got a book.
Which is when everyone wonders about cronyism.
When I think about cronyism, those are the dates I think of.
He has a book called Cronyism, Liberty Versus Power in Early America, which you can check out online wherever books are sold or whatever.
And let's jump in.
Let's do it.
And now for another interview on the F Weekly.
All right.
Well, thanks for talking to us, Patrick.
This is going to be a lot of fun.
We're going to talk about politicians and cronyism.
And I don't know.
We have this picture of a lot of the early American presidents and leaders.
They're enshrined in statues and monuments and on our money.
We think of them as kind of like these incorruptible heroes.
Can you destroy all of our hopes and dreams about American leaders in like 30 seconds?
Yeah, I can do a pretty good job.
A lot of people think that our founding fathers or politicians back in the day, there was a different era where it was less partisan.
It was less corrupt.
People were better.
For the most part, that's just false.
Politicians were very corrupt.
They were very partisan back in the day.
And everyone was looking out to enrich themselves.
And that's the story of America from the beginning.
So we should tear down all the statues that are still up.
They're just all they're just all bad.
You know, you could tear them down.
You could put more ones up.
There's some Americans who I like.
Ironically, a lot of the statues people are tearing down.
I think those are the good guys.
Oh, I think they actually tried to reform the system.
So that's how that's how outlandish my views are.
But it's the people they make plays about.
I think those are the bad guys.
So we should get rid of those plays and put up more statues of Thomas Jefferson and Andrew Jackson, as far as I'm concerned.
I'm trying to think if we have any of the American founding fathers here that we can.
We just have Elmo and fictional Lord of the Rings character.
Yeah.
Well, we do have some reformers.
We have Tolkien.
We have like Luther and Augustine.
But yeah, nobody that you would probably tear down.
So really sad.
Can you give each of these presidents a score based on their level of cronyism?
One being, wait, is one good or bad?
One is the most crony.
One is the most crony.
10 is the least.
And 10 is the most good, goodest.
Goodest.
What's the opposite of like being cronyism?
Is there a problem?
I would say in my book, I describe them as reformers.
Reformers?
Okay.
So George Washington.
I would say he's a four.
Really?
So what was wrong?
What do you not like about George Washington?
Well, all right.
So here's the good thing, and it's a big thing.
He stepped down from office.
He didn't become a dictator.
He had multiple chances to do that after the Revolutionary War.
Bad thing, he was in many ways supported Hamilton's policies.
I describe as very crony.
I also talk about this in my book.
He basically chose the site of the nation's capital, Washington, D.C., because it was close to his plantation.
So he looked, the reason he looked, he was given the power to choose the site of the Capitol, and he put it close to Alexandria as a way of boosting his real estate property, the values of his real estate.
And so, yeah, I would say that's pretty, that's pretty bad.
There's a lot of self-interest going on there.
And that's something most people don't know about George Washington.
Yeah.
That's why Kyle put the Babylon B offices here instead of closer to LA where it's convenient for everyone else.
One could argue that, I guess.
Yeah, that's yeah, that's what it is.
So, so do you go to the musical Hamilton and just boo at all the characters?
I'm not allowed there anymore.
He's gotten banned.
All right.
What about Abraham Lincoln?
Ooh, Abraham Lincoln.
He's a one.
Wow.
Oh, wow.
He's bad.
Yeah, he's a preeminent crony because the Republicans during the Civil War were able to push through all sorts of terrible policies, protective tariffs, these banking laws that benefited New York City banks, and these huge land grants and subsidies to railroad corporations.
Most people don't know about it, but Lincoln basically gave away almost like, you know, like half of the domain, the western domain, to railroad corporations.
And sort of similar to George Washington, one of these transcontinental railroad lines, the Union Pacific, its eastern terminus, could be, the president had the power to decide where the eastern terminus was.
And he chose Council Bluffs, Iowa as the eastern terminus.
Coincidentally, Lincoln invested in real estate in Council Bluffs, Iowa.
So, yeah, another self-interesting dealing.
Yeah.
So he was the Nancy Pelosi of his day, is what you're saying.
Yeah, I would say that I would consider Henry Clay more of the Nancy Pelosi because both of them were speaker of the houses.
But yeah, Abraham Lincoln definitely and Nancy Pelosi, there are certain similarities there.
Yeah.
George W. Bush.
A one or a two.
I think most of the stuff he did was very crony.
Iraq war, you can trace a lot of interest to oil companies there.
Many people in his department knew better.
Dick Cheney, he had advised against invading Iraq, at least going up and taking down Saddam in the early 90s.
You can still find the YouTube video of it online.
It's there.
A lot of stuff relating to the bailouts of the Wall Street banks during the financial crisis, immense conflict of interest there, Medicare, Part D, huge subsidies to various drug companies.
So the only thing I like about Bush would be his tax cuts, and he at least kind of tried to reform Social Security and privatize it.
But other than that, I think he was a very bad president.
He was certainly a crony.
Maybe we're going about this the wrong way.
Are there any good presidents?
Yeah, yeah, there are good presidents back in the day.
I think that the best presidents, probably the presidents most people don't know about.
So I think the two best presidents were Martin Van Buren and Grover Cleveland, right?
So Martin Van Buren, president from 1837 to 1841.
And Grover, Cleveland, he's the only president to serve two non-consecutive terms in the 1880s and 1890s.
Both of them fought against increasing government spending.
They pushed through notable reforms.
They sincerely tried to reform the system, reduce cronyism.
And that's probably why no one hears about them.
Yeah.
Are there any presidents like in our lifetime in the modern era that you think were relatively good?
Yeah, that's a good question.
Well, I do think I supported Donald Trump.
I thought his presidency, I didn't think it was perfect, but he did do a lot of things that I think were very notable, similar to some of the Jacksonians that I talk about in my book.
I mean, Donald Trump, one of his campaign slogans that I really liked was drain the swamp.
Because it's like, hey, DC is full of bad guys.
I'm going to at least try and do something about that.
And I said, okay, all right, this guy is my vote.
So I think the Trump presidency, though very controversial, I think it was successful in many ways and at least just stopping the tide of various sorts of crony policies, particularly from those on the left and various neocons on the right.
I strongly support him for that.
I do actually think Bill Clinton's presidency in the 90s, there were some good things about that, particularly because Clinton had to work with Republican-controlled Congress.
So the early years of the Clinton presidency, certain things I didn't like, his push for on healthcare laws.
But the 90s overall, I thought his term was pretty good.
And I could make some kind comments, some really bad comments about Jimmy Carter.
I could also make some sort of kind comments, started deregulation, appointed a competent head of someone to head the Federal Reserve.
But that's about it.
There's not many good people who've served in the presidency in recent years, though I would say Donald Trump is probably the biggest exception.
So you would be happy if Donald Trump became the second president to serve two non-consecutive terms.
Oh, yeah.
Yes.
Yes, I would.
I think that's 24.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think that would be beneficial in more ways than one for a lot of reasons.
But yeah, I would support his quest to do so, at least up to now.
Yeah.
All right.
So anti-Lincoln, pro-Trump is what I'm getting out of this so far.
And so so on Clinton and Carter.
Okay, well, how about this?
Let's, before we get into some more serious questions about your book, let's play a word association game.
Tell us something cronyism related that pops into your head when we say one of these words.
The U.S. post office.
Patronage.
Oh, okay.
This worked.
I didn't think this would work.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What's that?
Yeah, back in the day, the post office was the biggest, one of the biggest sectors where the government, the federal government employed people.
So when a president, the president came into office, he would appoint a new head of the post office, the postmaster general, who now had enormous power in deciding who would get all these lucrative government jobs.
A lot of them sort of like no-show jobs.
So back in the day, if you were the postmaster general, you were doing pretty good.
So at least that's what the first thing that comes to mind, I think of patronage because post office full of patronage.
Okay.
Got it.
So anti-Lincoln, anti-post office.
Yep, you're getting me.
What about Amazon?
Amazon, I would say, hmm.
Amazon, I would say minimum wage because Amazon is pushing for a minimum wage.
And one of the reasons they're doing that is because they can afford to pay a minimum wage, but they know their smaller competitors cannot.
So by pushing for a minimum wage, they are basically raising the costs of their smaller competitors, smaller competitors in e-commerce or smaller retail stores, et cetera.
So of course, they're never going to advocate the minimum wage on these grounds.
They always dress it up in some public interest cloak, but that's why they're doing it.
It's to basically screw their competitors.
Okay.
How about recycling?
Environmental racket.
That's what I would say.
I don't think recycling really pays off.
And you look at the history of environmentalism and recycling.
There's always various interests pushing for subsidies to their particular company or restrictions on other firms that could compete with them.
When I think of recycling, I just think of all of the environmental cronyism that's occurred.
And some people are religious about recycling.
Oh, you got to recycle everything.
And a lot of times we don't realize that we're wasting resources recycling things.
So it's just, to me, it's just a little racket.
It's another thing to get everyone all whipped up about.
But, you know, leave it to businesses.
They will find ways to reduce costs by being more efficient with their resources.
What about haircuts?
Licenses, because barbers are many in many states, they've pushed for restrictive licenses.
And in order to become a barber, you have to have a license.
You have to pay a fee.
You have to take some classes, do what else, whatever.
And that's just designed to restrict the supply of barbers.
So to make it harder to become a barber, which is going to lead to higher wages for barbers and higher prices to consumers.
So these licenses benefit the existing barbers at the expense of up and coming barbers as well as consumers.
If I get a bad haircut, can I get my barber's license suspended?
You know, unfortunately, most license systems, they don't work like that.
Even our own medical licenses, doctors can get medical licenses from states, but it's very hard to remove them, even for medical malpractice.
So that's another form of haircut male.
They're in the public interest.
But they're really not.
They're just little instances of cronyism.
Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
How about almonds?
I'm trying to pick a hard one.
I'm trying to stump you because almonds.
Well, I guess that's a tough nut to crack.
I would say I hope purely.
I saved myself with a pun there for myself a couple seconds.
I would say almonds, when I think of almonds, I think of cronyism.
Of course, you do.
Food and drug administration, the various regulations and the compliance costs to develop new almonds.
The industry is protected in many ways by these health regulatory agencies in order to become, you know, start a business in the food industry.
You have to meet all sorts of government compliance costs and all of that stuff.
I guess you could say I'm very, I'm very supportive of almonds.
I like eating them.
So maybe that's why this is my weak one, right?
Well, you know, just the fact that you're able to connect so many things to cronyism, you know, kind of paints a bleak picture for us.
You know, it feels like everything that we do is touched by government overreach and is touched by cronyism.
What are some like, I don't know, in the near future, what are the prospects of actually reforming some of this stuff?
Or what are some stuff that we can do being politically active to help fight against this stuff?
Yeah, so I think there are, I mean, governments have more and more power over our lives, over the economy.
We've seen this not just in the United States, but around the world.
And so a lot of people say, okay, is there any hope?
I do think there's hope because I've seen at least some positive positive directions in the move for things like cannabis, cryptocurrency, and more positions on the state level.
So Florida fighting about fighting against a lot of COVID cronyism, in my opinion.
I think that's a good move.
I support Florida for doing that.
I support various states slowly chipping away at the, you know, the status of marijuana being prohibited.
You can't smoke it.
I think moves to legalize cannabis, though there are problems in various states, I think they're all in the right direction.
And I think people using cryptocurrencies, Bitcoin, et cetera, for transactions or hold their wealth, it's hard for governments or it's harder for governments to confiscate that wealth.
And it also makes a lot of transactions harder to track.
So I think those are positive developments.
And I would say people continuing to push for policies on the state level.
So to try and take power away from DC is really our only hope in the modern era because a lot of people say, oh, we're going to reform DC.
We're going to reform Washington, et cetera.
So I was kind of describing my book.
So back when we actually had a chance to do it, we couldn't do it.
So if we couldn't do it then, doesn't mean we're going to do it now, right?
There's very little chance of doing that.
So I think just basically being more active on the state level, making inroads on those various policy fronts that I mentioned, I think those are the best ways of moving forward.
I'm always interested in people that write books on specific topics or very specific timeframes.
Like what drew you to this?
I mean, cronyism, Liberty versus Power in America, 1607 to 1849.
What drew you to that?
Yeah.
So I had previously, before this book, I had edited a book by this economist and libertarian philosopher.
His name was Murray Rothbard.
And he had written a book on the Constitution in the 1780s.
And the funny story about this book was he died in the 90s and this book was written in the 70s.
But for various reasons, he handwrote the entire book because it was dictated into a recording machine and an actual professional typist would type it up, you know, back in the day when you had to use a typewriter and stuff.
So the type, the recording machine got broken.
And so all that was left was this massive literally this handwritten draft.
The problem is his handwriting, Murray Rothbard's handwriting, was so messy, no one could read it.
And my handwriting is really messy.
And I basically learned how to read his handwriting.
So this was like in 2019.
So I always take great pride in this because my high school teachers and all my earlier teachers in elementary school, they always said, well, my handwriting is so messy.
And now I'm like, well, I see I was able to read someone else's handwriting, get a book out of it.
So I had edited that book and someone contacted me.
They wanted me to write a book on the history of crony capitalism.
And I said, sure, I'd love to do so.
And as I started working on it, I wanted to focus it at least on the early America.
I still want to cover later periods up to the present in subsequent books, but I wanted to focus more on this period because I felt that there was actually a good amount of reform attempts.
And you had a lot of people who were trying to reform the system, reduce cronyism.
I would, I call these people libertarians.
I myself am a libertarian small government person.
And I also think this history is increasingly misunderstood because in the modern era, people demonize a lot of these guys.
They say, oh, the founding fathers, they owned slaves or they did something else that we find politically unacceptable.
In the modern era, so that means they were bad people back then and we need to tear down their statues or, you know, all sorts of other things that I think is really, that's just, that's just incorrect.
That's a poor way of looking at history.
So this is my attempt to kind of communicate on various fronts in the show that, well, yeah, there was a lot of corruption back then, a lot of bad things, but it's usually by the people who the establishment, the establishment media like, loves, like Alexander Hamilton, who I think was an atrocious politician or very had policies of very bad consequences.
But there were also people who did good things.
And that's why I basically focused on this time period in that, you know, in my book, because this was the period when you had the Jeffersonians and the Jacksonians actually make a serious effort to reform the government.
And we haven't really seen this since then.
Did you handwrite the book?
You know, actually, I do write some rough drafts by hand, you know, by writing it out on a piece of paper, and then I type it up.
So, yeah, I guess you could say I handwrote the book.
Yeah.
Perfect.
All right.
Well, well, it's super interesting.
So we conclude every interview with the same 10 questions.
So you can answer these as rapid fire or as or as in-depth as you want.
And here we go.
The number, the first question is, have you ever met Christian rapper Carmen?
No.
Oh, okay.
Do you know who that is?
No.
Okay.
Well, that was question 1A.
So here's question two.
Question two is, are you a Calvinist or an Arminian?
Neither.
Okay.
Are you predeterminism?
All right, wait, wait, determinism or free will?
Free will.
Okay.
You get to add one book to the Bible.
What is it?
If I said my book, would that be crony?
That would be crony.
Yeah.
It'd be ironic crony.
Ironic crony.
Oh, you're actually for my serious answer.
Well, everybody's waiting.
In addition to the Bible, I would say, everyone, you got to read Economics in One Lesson by Henry Hazlitt.
It could change so many minds.
It changed my mind.
So that's the book I'd say.
Yeah.
I love that.
That you finish Revelation and then you read economics.
That is a good book, though.
Yeah.
It is.
Cigars or pipes?
Pipes.
You get to hang out with any three people, living or dead.
Who are they?
You got to be careful how I answer this question.
People are usually pretty quick, right up until question five.
Yeah, so I would say I could hang out with three people.
I would say I'd hang out with Andrew Jackson, Ron Paul, and I'm going to go with Genghis Khan.
Okay.
That's an interesting answer.
Yeah.
I'd like to see the three of them get together.
Yes.
Whiskey or beer?
Whiskey.
What would be the first thing you would do as president?
I would, I would, I would resign.
If you can't resign, what would you do?
I would take actions to have Congress pass a law getting rid of the Federal Reserve.
Or at least as a president, I would take all of our troops back, put them home.
I would cycle out all of the officials in the top cabinet positions, and I would just start vetoing every bill that Congress passed.
I guess it'd be more drained to the swamp.
Yeah, exactly.
Have you ever been punched or punched anyone?
Actually, no, I have not.
Neither did no to either, both questions.
Then the backup question is: what's the most embarrassing thing that's happened to you, or have you ever peed your pants in public?
If I'm peeing my pants now, does this count?
No.
I did pee my pants one time in kindergarten.
So I guess I would say, yeah, that's the counts.
All right.
You get to go to one concert, any band in history.
Who do you go see?
I probably have to see, I really want to see Styx.
Okay.
That was the first Styx answer we've ever gotten.
Yeah.
Well, there you go.
There you go.
All right.
Finally, will you do us a solid and accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior?
No.
Not even to do us a solid.
Yes, yes, I will.
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
Just a little pressure.
Yeah.
A little pressure.
Always, always, always gets the job done.
All right.
Well, we got another one.
All right.
Well, thanks for coming on, Patrick.
Yeah, thanks for being here.
All right.
Awesome.
Well, I really appreciate it.
I look forward to when it comes out.
So thanks so much, guys.
Awesome.
Thank you.
Hey, Babylon B fans.
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I really miss Adam Ford.
All right, our hate mail this week is in response to that sketch we played earlier, Satire Writers Unable to Keep Up with Reality.
And here was a reply from someone whose Twitter handle is Political Americans.
And this person says, There is no kind of hate like Christian love.
Babylon B readers are Christian hypocrites who support bigotry, malice, and willful ignorance.
I only support one of those things.
Yeah, exactly.
And this one confused me because that sketch wasn't particularly like.
But of course, we're not offended.
We're not easily offended.
I look at this like there is an understanding of what Christian love is that is not what Christian love is or that Christian worldview is.
Like being nice is not what it means to be a Christian.
Yeah, we get that a lot.
Like anything that slightly criticizes something or is a little edgy.
It's not Christian.
And I want to know what these guys are talking about in terms of bigotry, malice, and ignorance.
like what does he mean like towards the it was like when i punched i punched the house plant in that sketch I did throw something at Travis.
You did that.
You showed malice towards his computer.
Yeah.
That's true.
That's a good person.
The computer went down.
I wonder if this person just had this response locked and loaded and whatever the next Babylon Bee article is, I'm going to reply to it.
We have a bonus hate mail also.
Oh, we're going to do this in the subscriber.
Oh, we are.
Okay.
Okay.
Join us in the subscriber lounge for bonus hate mail, a classic story of the week, subscriber headlines of the week, and more.
Coming up next for Babylon Bee subscribers.
So how old do Lutherans think the earth is, Adam?
I don't know that there's a hard number that Lutherans are like whether we're supposed to accept young earth creationism or not.
I always feel like that stuff is secondary to your salvation and your belief in Christ.
It's like arguing over those things, you know, I don't think is, you're not going to go to hell because you guessed the age of the earth.
I have heard people say I believe the Bible.
6,000 years.
You do?
Yeah.
This has been another edition of the Bee Weekly from the dedicated team of certified fake news journalists you can trust here at the Babylon Bee.
Reminding you that someone out there knows something about Carmen.