THE BEE WEEKLY: Know Your Bible and Trump Taekwondo
Ethan Nicolle and Adam Yenser are joined by Pastor David Guzik of Enduring Word Bible commentary to help The Babylon Bee know where the lines are for Christian satire, mockery, and jokes about Hell. Pastor David is put to the test to see if he really knows the Bible like he says he does. They talk about this week at The Babylon Bee, weird news, and also question if Trump really deserves a ninth black belt in Taekwondo. Be sure to check out David Guzik's freely available Bible commentary at Enduring Word. Be sure to also check out Ethan old band's new release Today For Tomorrow. Ethan, Adam, and Pastor David answer a two-for-one subscriber dare involving a meme, talk about The Bee's Banger and Bomb of the Week, and dive into deep end of this week's weird news. The weird news involves Canada's strategic maple reserve, a street sweeper getaway, and a woman kicked out of a church for illicit cilantro. Pastor David is subjected to a brutal Bible trivia quiz and The Babylon Bee officially puts him on retainer to make sure all their jokes are clear with Heaven. Then there's some salty hate mail. In the subscriber lounge, there is a bonus better hate mail, a discussion about free will and God's sovereignty, subscriber-submitted headlines, and The Ten Questions for Pastor David Guzik.
Canada is in a very sticky situation with their maple syrup reserves.
Street Sweeper caught in an hour-long low-speed chase.
It was almost a clean getaway.
Firefighters rescue dog held hostage by tortoise.
Owner says dog went through shell on earth.
A woman was kicked out of a Methodist church because they thought her cilantro was marijuana.
I didn't even get a buzz, the pastor complained.
A German doctor was arrested for giving 20,000 people a homemade COVID vaccine.
His secret ingredient, cilantro.
Donald Trump awarded the highest black belt in Taekwondo.
He's now the president of Karate.
Pastor David Guzik is here.
He's going to make sure the Babylon B isn't committing rampant heresy.
All that and more on the Bee Weekly.
Oh, hey, everybody.
We're here.
It's the Babylon Bee Weekly.
I don't know where Kyle is.
He's hanging out with Candace Ellens or something.
I see some of them together.
So I guess he's over there.
Yeah.
But we, instead, we got Adam Yenser sitting in.
Yep.
And then we got our guest host, Pastor David Guzik.
Welcome, sir.
It's a pleasure to be here.
Thanks very much.
A pleasure to have you.
So you're a commentary.
You do commentary.
Bible commentary.
That's right.
I've got a written commentary on the entire Bible.
Wow.
How long did that take?
It's the work going back 30, 35 years.
Long time.
You never meet a young guy who's done that.
No.
How fast did you guys slap the woke book together?
Like a month.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's impressive that you put that.
There's that kind of relative weight to their content.
Funny thing is I meet a lot of people and they think I'm dead.
Every year I meet a few people and they just think that's a good idea.
You got a commentary.
You've got to be a dead.
You've got to be dead.
Yeah.
Huh.
Well, you can be the commentary guy, but whenever we say stuff, you'll just do a little commentary.
That's right.
I'll parse your words.
Yes.
Go back to the original meaning.
Exactly.
And explain what the Latin root is.
Exactly.
And we're going to be doing later on, before we let you really speak, we're going to do a quiz we've put together to make sure you're legit, that you really know your Bible.
Oh, boy.
Well, this should be entertaining if nothing else.
We spent 30 years putting this quiz together.
Really?
Yeah.
It's a good one.
Yeah, we started when we were like 14.
Yeah.
Okay.
So, and I just got to do a gratuitous promotion.
Some of you know I was once in a rock band.
The band was called Lunaractive.
Our last album we put out was a mess.
We worked on it for like over a year and then the mix was just terrible.
The band broke up.
We decided recently to spend the money and like just put out a good version of it.
And we had like three songs that had never been released, including the theme song of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Oh, nice.
So if you want to, and also that song required a lot of yelling and screaming.
So I actually got the guys in the office here to crowd around a mic and do.
So if you want to hear the guys in the Babylon B office shouting Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, go ninja, go ninja, go.
It's on there.
So please check it out because it's out and it's on Spotify and iTunes and everywhere.
And I'm very proud of it.
And it sounds good.
I've heard it playing here in the office.
It was great.
Yeah, I'm very proud of it.
I sing on a lot of the songs and I play bass.
Does Chuck Laurie get residuals from that?
That's my favorite piece of trade.
He does.
That's my favorite piece of trade.
Do you know that Chuck Laurie wrote the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theory song?
I did not know.
Yeah.
That was like one of his first successes in Hollywood.
Yeah, we legitimately set it up.
So for, you know, we've got the rights to be able to play it.
Nice.
So he's getting money from us.
He needs that money.
I'm sure he does.
Listen to Ethan's song because Chuck Lorry needs it.
And listening to it just on Spotify, we're not trying to make it back because they're probably going to get back together, but we're proud of the songs.
Sounds like you're trying to make it a little bit more difficult.
Was there any video of your studio sessions for this last album?
Peter Jackson could come in later and do like a get back.
No, it was a dark place.
Really?
Yeah.
My animated video is out.
You can see that.
It's fully re-what do you call it?
So it looks better.
Rejoice.
Remastered.
Yeah, remastered.
So, yeah, and we're actually working on another one.
We have a song about Double Dragon.
Did you play Double Dragon?
Yeah, yep.
So we have a whole song called The Ballad of Billy Lee.
It goes through the story of games one through four and how his girlfriend keeps getting stolen by the Black Shadow Gang.
Yeah.
And then he gets her back and then it happens again.
So it's kind of a queen style.
This is like the epic ballad.
The epic ballad of Double Dragon.
Wow.
We're putting a music video with video game footage.
I think if Freddie Mercury had lived long enough, Queen probably would have written about Double Dragon.
Yeah.
Yeah, anyway, I could talk about it.
Nobody cares, but so I'm just doing, I have the position here to say that.
So here we go.
We got a subscriber dare.
Hey, I bet you've been itching and wondering about becoming a subscriber to the Babylon Bee podcast.
I mean, we're always prodding and poking you to do it.
Well, here's another poke.
10% off.
How's that sound?
Just enter the code podcast next time you go to that BabylonB.com backslash plans page.
You go there, backslash plans.
You put in P-O-D-C-A-S-T, 10% off a whole year of Babylon B bliss.
We'll see you there.
This is Subscriber Dare.
So Mr. Guzik, Pastor Guzik, if you don't know, we basically, you know, people tell us to dance, we dance here at the Babylon Bee.
If they say they'll subscribe, which means they'll spend money, they tell us what they want us to do, we'll do it.
Immediately.
Immediately, whatever it is.
No questions.
Yeah, we don't consult the Bible.
We just do it.
This is a subscriber dare from Robert.
I found the B this year and I've been a huge fan of her since.
You guys are awesome.
Thanks for the great work.
I have a meme you might like.
If you read or show it during the subscriber dare, I will buy a premium subscription for both me and my dad.
So let's open this meme.
So we just have to look at it.
I like opening it cold right now.
Hold on for a second.
This is called subscriber dare because it's subscriber dares us to do.
Daring us to open this subscribe.
This person writes it as subscribe or dare.
No, subscribe or dare.
So if we see the dare, he'll subscribe, I guess.
That's right.
Okay, yeah, it's true.
Yeah.
Truth or dare.
I see this thing.
Okay, so after lengthy battle with the Babylon B, New York Times admits steel dossier with satire.
And there's a caricaturized version of, I guess, the guy, the Steel guy.
Is his name Steel?
The dossier is not made for Steel.
Yeah.
And it says, lol, LOL.
So do we.
We don't have to think it's funny, right?
That's not part of the.
Well, yeah, you guys are the professional comic.
He didn't tell us to laugh at it.
No.
We can pull an Atlantic and ask him to explain what's funny about it.
Explain what's funny about that?
That was the best.
At first, I was like, I think he's.
So he made him caricature because I guess they're saying that's what the New York Times would be doing.
I get it.
It's a joke the whole time.
I didn't follow the Russia stuff very closely, so I don't get these.
I didn't get any.
Oh, I mean, I followed a lot of it.
I get it.
I get the joke.
It's funny.
It's a good joke.
Okay.
Adam's a professional.
I approve of it.
Okay.
All right.
We read it.
Yeah, you got a subscriber.
I have two new subscribers.
Two.
Yeah.
Two for the price of one.
Yes.
Thanks for sharing.
All right.
Now let's look at our banger of the week.
Speaking of good jokes, this is one that so many people shared.
This is the most shared article we did last week.
Yeah.
Banger of the week.
It doesn't mean it's the funniest.
It means it's when people share it.
There's often not the same thing.
Yeah.
So take it, Adam.
This one is white smoke emanates from Wuhan Lab chimney signaling a new variant has been named.
What's this a reference to?
I feel like any of you.
You don't know this, right?
I don't know the reference.
You know this reference, obviously.
Okay, well, you're not Catholic.
When a new pope is chosen by the College of Cardinals, when they successfully make the choice, they burn something special in some special oven with the chimney.
And white smoke comes out of a chimney.
Everybody knows.
I had no idea.
Yeah.
So it's like when they don't reach a decision, black smoke comes out.
And then it's like they haven't decided.
Is that real?
That's not a joke.
No, it's true.
It's not a joke.
What are they?
Hold on.
Everyone who laughed, what's funny about me saying black?
I don't know why that was the joke.
That's true.
So yeah, they burn it.
And then if they don't reach a decision, they have to vote again or whatever they do.
They keep deliberating and keep voting.
Huh.
So this article is having a little fun with that idea.
I get it.
I get it.
No.
And as if, you know, I thought it was like a Lord of the Rings reference or something.
That's what most Babylon B articles are.
Yeah.
Whenever you don't get a Babylon B article, it's because it's an obscure Lord of the Rings reference.
Let's see.
Thousands gathered outside the Wuhan Institute of Virology with faces of anxious anticipation as rumors had been circulating the new COVID variant would soon be named.
And I think they said pilgrims came from all over the world to flock to see this.
And the new kind of what they did with which they actually do at the valley.
They do that?
Yeah.
Okay.
They do.
Yeah.
Our resident Catholic isn't here.
Patrick's here.
You're not going to hear the cackling in the background.
If anybody can laugh loud, Patrick's not here today.
Yeah.
Patrick wouldn't have laughed at black smoke.
He would have laughed at everything else.
I'll just every once in a while do that.
Yeah.
Do my best Patrick laugh?
Yeah.
You want to read our dud of the week, Pastor Guzik?
Bum of the week.
Dud of the week nation suffers post-Thanksgiving inflation around mid-section.
It's always uncomfortable.
What makes it the dud of the week?
I mean, yeah, it's not.
Oh, it's funny.
It doesn't just didn't do well.
It doesn't look like the least forwarded or whatever.
Yeah, it got the fewest shares.
Okay, yeah.
Usually, if it's not something about something in the news and it, you know, pokes, you know, at the other side more, you know, it's the internet.
People want to own the libs.
But from what I read, there's lots of people who think these are actual headlines when they read Babylonia.
We do our best to trick.
That's right.
Yeah.
It's very clever.
Yeah, I always think that a lot of the dud of the week sound like something that your uncle says.
Oh, I'm getting a little post-thanks and inflation around the mid-section.
Like all the sizzles at the top of this.
Yeah, exactly like the sizzles.
There's a shell of a tie.
Jokes.
Jokes written literally five minutes before he started saying that.
So does the writer of that bit get like a demerit?
Yeah.
Because he got the dud of the week.
He gets black smoke.
I'm ready for some weird news.
How about you guys?
Let's do it.
This news is weird.
Canada releases 4.5 million gallons from its strategic maple syrup reserve.
So I guess they have a giant strategic maple syrup reserve.
It sounds like they're like an oil cartel, but with syrup.
So the Quebec Maple Syrup Producers, a government-sponsored cartel that controls some 70% of the world's maple syrup supply.
So these guys are powerful.
Yeah.
Said this week that a warmer and shorter than expected spring led to a 24% year-over drop in production of maple syrup.
I'm going to keep reading.
Amid surging demand for syrup, as more people cook at home and eat pancakes, I guess.
The cartel has been forced to tap a whopping 50 million pounds of syrup from its strategic reserve.
I guess that's a lot.
I mean, 50 million mini things is a lot.
It's interesting that they measure it in pounds.
Don't you measure like liquid in gallons or something?
And where is the where is this strategic?
Do you think they have like a pipeline that like ships the syrup and they have to protest when it goes to their native land?
There's a bunch of like pipes coming out of trees.
Yeah, they have a little bit of the beginning of it.
I never understood how that works.
We have maple trees where like I grew up and I never understood how you could just plug a well did you ever try?
No, I never tried.
Is there another use for syrup I'm not aware of?
It's just waffles and pancakes.
That's it.
Yeah.
They're not, are they making glue or something, or is there some other thing that I don't know about?
I don't know, yeah, gasoline or something, probably used in nuclear power in some way.
Some company or something like that, Powers Canada.
Yeah, they have syrup power.
And you probably, I mean, I feel like syrup gets wasted a lot because you put on the pancake, you put a lot on it, right?
So most of it runs off, and then you just have a pool of syrup.
There's always syrup left over on the plate.
Yeah.
Well, the most, that's the most the group has ever released from this reserve in a single season since 2008.
So that's, you know, is anybody half of their stockpile?
Is anybody going to challenge Big Maple on this?
Because it's a big thing.
And you never hear, like, I mean, it must be a big industry.
It says $19 million Canadian dollars.
Well, that's this sidebar.
In 2012, Thieves Made Offieves.
I read that wrong.
Made off with more than 3,000 tons of maple syrup worth $19 million Canadian dollars.
But it's weird that you don't hear in the Middle East with the oil cartels, you always hear about these princes and heirs that are driving around in gold Lamborghinis and stuff like that.
You don't hear about any like Canadian, wealthy syrup.
Wouldn't that be great?
Yeah, if they're fabulously wealthy, we just never heard about him, but they lay in Carlos.
There's a Burj Khalif in Canada somewhere just built with syrup money.
I would not, I mean, I don't know if I want to be a rich syrup guy because I just hate being sticky.
And it stays on you forever.
Yeah, there's no rest of the day.
I'd rather be a poor guy without being sticky.
Yeah.
Smells delicious, though.
That is true.
It's the next story.
Man leads police on hour-long low-speed chase in Stolen Street Sweeper.
These are all real, by the way.
Just making sure everybody knows that.
Yeah.
Police in Richmond, Indiana were called at 1:30 a.m. on a Sunday morning last month on a report of a person driving a street sweeper recklessly.
I like that he took this out at 1:30 in the morning.
Sweeping in a straight line.
Joyriding.
He missed a can.
Yeah.
Officers located the street sweeper and were then led on a pursuit of very low speeds of 10 to 15 miles per hour for just killing this one.
Do you think you could do the pit maneuver?
The pitcher.
Yeah, like slowly spin out the street sweeper.
Oh, they deployed spike strips, but were mostly unsuccessful due to the driver going slow enough to maneuver around most of them.
But I wonder if the sweep has those sweepers.
Would it sweep the streets out of the way as it's going?
Try to flee on foot, was apprehended by officers with assistance from a canine unit.
Oh, wow.
The dog can go faster than 10 miles an hour.
I love police chases.
I wish I would have.
I wonder if this gets like live coverage like all the chases in Los Angeles do.
And I like the, I love the idea that the cops are out there to clean up the streets.
Yeah.
This guy's really doing it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
At least the street was clean for that trip.
The cleanest chase.
Yeah.
So he was transported to a nearby hospital for injuries to his arm from the dog, as well as other facial injuries from the struggle with the officers.
It does have a backstory there.
Facial injuries.
Yeah, the police just started punching him after the dog frustration.
Yeah.
All right.
Pastor, you're going to take that third story.
Lady gets kicked out of Methodist church because they thought the cilantro for her soup was marijuana.
Woman trying to attend service at United Methodist Church in Oklahoma City was kicked out of the building a few weeks ago after it was assumed the cilantro she had brought in as a garnish for her soup was marijuana.
Well, cilantro is a delightful garnish.
Why wouldn't she be doing this?
Maybe she put, I don't know.
Did she press paper?
So she was just kicked out of the church that day.
I suppose.
And I thought she was like, nope.
She was like, you're, what do they call it?
Excuse me.
Excommunicate.
So they had some inmates or jail, prison, whatever, from a correctional facility.
They came to the church for worship services.
Okay.
And apparently some of them maybe thought it was marijuana.
I don't know.
Maybe they tried to smoke it.
Her name is Ashley Andovera.
She told the local news that she wanted to share her prepared meal with her sister, who is currently serving prison time.
And she's attended the church several times before to see her sibling.
I know she has a past record of bringing weed to church.
Yeah.
So I noticed here that there was no real determination, was it marijuana or not?
Suspected they'd been taste testing.
They just used that as an excuse.
She's like, no, no, it's cilantro.
I like the last line.
Instead, she was kicked out of the church and the church kept her seat.
You get out where keeping your marijuana.
They're keeping what they think is marijuana.
Yeah.
We're taking this back and then all of a sudden white smoke's coming up from the church.
That's right.
That's a good call.
It's a callback.
That's a good callback.
I thought if Patrick was here, he would have laughed harder.
Yeah.
Firefighters rescued a pet dog trapped in an underground burrow by a pet tortoise.
Bruce, a French bulldog in Arizona.
And Bruce.
He's French.
Was trapped in an underground burrow by Bianca.
Also French.
15 or is that Russian?
Is Bianca French or Russian?
I feel like that can be French.
He's Siri.
I don't know.
Oh, it worked.
Is Bianca a French name?
Come on, answer me.
There's no one in your contacts matching Bianca French.
Oh, thanks.
The family explains the two are not exactly the best of friends.
Oh, Bianca's a 50-pound tortoise.
Yeah.
And French Bulldog, what's that, like 10, 15 pounds at most?
Yeah.
After hearing the muffled barking, their son descended into the burrow to confirm the dog was being trapped by the tortoise.
When they called 911, the dispatcher advised her to remove her son from the burrow immediately.
Four firefighters arrived, but didn't know how to help because they were unfamiliar with burrows.
I don't know anything about burrows.
I don't know either.
It is funny, though, that firefighters probably get like, whenever there's anything wrong that's like not a fire, but not like a police emergency.
Like, I guess the stereotype is like the cat stuck in a tree.
But I'm sure firefighters get called on a weird thing where it's like, who are we going to call to fix this problem?
You want like a hostage negotiator.
Yeah.
They thought this was going to be a replay of like the kid down the well, but it wasn't.
And I like that the two are not exactly the best of friends.
Like this tortoise and this dog are always fighting for each other.
It's got a bad history.
Never get along.
Eventually they contacted a wildlife expert who advised them to dig down into the burrow to risk.
Just dig.
It took an expert to figure that one out.
I read a little about it.
I think there was something where they were worried about the burrow collapsing on both the animals, so they had to dig at a like certain angle in a certain place to get the dog out.
It would be like was an old lady, you know, like you got to send a different animal down to get the tortoise.
Yes.
It sounds like what they did with their son.
And then I like that the advisor is like, get your son.
Why are you sending your son down in the burrow?
Hey, Siri, what kind of animal eats tortoises?
I found this on the web.
Top six predators of tortoises.
All right.
Let's see what we would send down after that tortoise.
Coyotes.
So you send a coyote down to eat the tortoise.
But that's their pet.
So they like the coyote might eat.
They love the tortoise and the dog equally.
Oh, that's true.
He didn't cross a line.
No.
A lot of times when animals do something bad, you got to kill them.
Yeah.
But that's like when like a pit bull rips someone apart.
That's true.
Yeah.
I don't know if you'd.
Maybe the French bulldog kind of had it coming.
Yeah.
They're kind of jerks.
All right.
All right, what's up?
Let me do this next one.
German doctor arrested for giving 20,000 people a homemade COVID vaccine he concocted himself.
Winfried Stocker.
Nice.
A millionaire doctor who also owns the Lübeck airport in Germany insists his vaccine works.
He owns an airport.
Well, yeah, it must be right now.
Yeah.
Wow.
The police shut down his operation while 200 people were waiting in line.
He already got 20,000 people with it.
Yeah.
200 more.
Stalker says he tested the vaccine on himself and getting it approved by the government would have taken too long.
He's got to get it out there.
It sounds like people actually trusted him.
They were like, oh, it's 20,000.
A line of 200 at its place.
I mean, with all the other vaccines and they're waning and changing efficacy, maybe they're just like, yeah, well, we'll give this shit moderately less reliable than the vaccines that are out, right?
I mean, they've all been rushed through.
And I like that he owns an airport, so maybe he could just mandate all the pilots.
You have to get my vaccine.
You have to come to my house and let me inject you.
I don't know how you make a vaccine at your house.
He's just like stirring a pot off this.
I want to know.
We shouldn't know the ingredients to it.
Yeah.
He's like, vegan.
Yeah.
It's German, so there's got to be some beer in there, probably.
Yeah.
Good for him.
Cool.
I'll do the next one then.
A mega church leader who calls himself the appointed son of God threatened young girls with physical abuse and eternal damnation if they didn't have sex with him.
Prosecutors say.
Well, it's good we have a pastor here.
He can determine whether or not this guy's actually legit or not, if he is the son of God.
From the headline, no, not legit.
Let's do it now.
Let's look at the details.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Keep it home in mind.
The leader of a Philippines-based mega church was charged in U.S. federal court with sex trafficking.
An indictment alleged that he forced young girls to have sex with him or face eternal damnation.
The girls had to write commitment letters to Quiboloy.
I guess that's his name.
Quibaloy.
Quibaloy, Pastor Quibaloy, the appointed son of God.
Siding over their lives and bodies to the appointed son of God, according to the indictment.
What about now?
Does it sound any more legitimate?
No, it's sounding no more legitimate.
Okay.
Well, okay, they were supposed to, those who complied with night duty, that's what they're called.
So that's kind of like cops have that.
All right, hold on there.
I think since some Babylon B subscribers have a problem when we mention, you know, like sexual issues.
From now on, sex should be referred to as night duty.
Night duty.
There's two people who have night duty.
When I do a night duty, it's different.
It's a different thing.
They were rewarded with trips to Disneyland if they did night duty.
Yeah.
Flights on private jets, cell phone use, and money.
Many blessings.
The church's legal team called it another vicious attempt to bring down Pastor Apollo C. Quibaloy.
I like that he's named after a different God.
You know, I didn't immediately pick up on it.
It's very fitting, isn't it?
Yes.
All right.
So what do you on a scale of one to ten?
How close is he to being the son of the actual son of God?
Oh, on a scale of like negative 10,000.
Okay.
I mean, if you think about it, aren't we the all God's children?
The all-appointed son of God.
We're all somewhere.
Purely self-appointed son of God.
Hey, Trump.
Donald Trump was awarded his ninth black belt at Mar-a-Lago.
Kukuwan.
Good at words from other world, other languages.
Kukiwan, also known as World Taekwondo headquarters.
That's easier to say.
And home of the World Taekwondo Academy is awarded the former U.S. President Donald Trump a ninth Dan black belt.
Do you know about Dan Black Belt's Dan?
No, I don't.
You don't have to.
I don't know either.
The highest level attainable by professional martial artists.
The president of Kukuwan, I hope I'm getting that right.
Lee Dong Siap.
Sorry.
Hey, Brandon, do you know I'm saying this right?
He's Chinese.
Is that close enough?
No.
I know about all things Korean.
Oh, Chinese myself.
Okay, yeah.
Well, you know, closer than I am.
Went to visit Trump at his home in Mar-a-Lago in Palm Beach, Florida this weekend to give him a taekwondo and a coveted black belt.
Give him a Taekwondo.
I think it was like a Taekwondo certificate.
Yeah.
I heard that Donald Trump is highly interested in Taekwondo, Lee said.
The former president vowed that he would look to wear the Taekwondo clothing in Congress should he make a return to the White House in the future.
I love the idea.
That would be awesome.
How can you not miss him even if you hated him?
It's like, who doesn't want to see that?
I love the idea of him walking in there all like sensei Trump.
Yeah.
I am the president of the United States and I am the president of karate.
That was an Axe Cop thing, an Axcop.
You told me that.
Yeah, Axe Cop, he was the president of the world.
He was assigned being to be, that's a comic I worked on called Axcop that I made with my five-year-old brother.
And I asked him, would he be president of anything else?
My five-year-old brother said he'd be the president of karate, obviously.
So he went and did that.
It was more involved, though, than just getting an honorary black belt.
Has Trump ever done any like, how did he, because it says this is his ninth one?
Ninth one?
Has he ever done any like real martial arts at any point in his life?
Did they just black belts?
And I feel like it's one of those weird things.
Like a university can give you like an honorary degree just because you like learn about something.
But it's weird to be like, here's an honorary, you know, karate.
You can murder people with your left finger.
Yeah.
Yeah, I don't know if it immediately gives him the ability to fight or not.
Yeah.
There's a lot of mysterious things.
I doubt Joe Biden has any honorary black belts.
I'll say that.
All I know is he's got like a polyp in his.
Oh, yeah.
But he had that removed this week.
Yeah.
Honorary.
It's not honorary, too.
It's real.
Doesn't have it there anymore, apparently.
They took it out.
It's safe.
It's not cancer.
They'll put it in his presidential library.
Do you sell those?
Would the doctors sell that?
Maybe.
You go on eBay.
People would buy that.
Presidential polyps.
It'd be a little hard to prove that that was the polyp from certificate of authenticity.
You buy it and then you buy it and then you do a little 23andMe on it.
It comes back 100% Joe Biden.
All right.
All right.
Kyle's not here, but go ahead and read that world record.
We'll see what he does.
Oh, yeah.
Kyle always likes these.
Man rides 35 miles on electric unicycle while juggling for world record.
An Idaho man climbed aboard an electric unicycle and rode for a distance of 35 miles while juggling three balls to set a Guinness world record.
Rush said his first electric unicycle, provided by a friend, only made it a distance of about 10 miles before the battery died.
But eWheels.com, go there to order your electric unicycles, provided him with another with a range of 35 miles.
And he juggled the whole time.
How long did it take him?
Let me see if it took me a while.
How fast does a unicycle go?
What did he juggle?
It depends on how to fix it all.
Says no, okay, three balls.
It's electric, so that's a little bit cheating.
Oh, yeah.
So he's not pedaling, you're right.
Is he not pedaling?
It's one of those like, yeah, those, I don't know what that is.
It's electric.
It's, oh, here, it lasted two hours, 29 minutes, and 30 seconds.
It would be, I can't juggle for that.
He went to a local track.
So it all took place on one track where he went around 141 laps.
It keeps getting less impressive because I'm thinking he's having to go through different towns and areas and the wilderness, maybe.
It was always fun with the Guinness records how you can just make a thing up and just be like, I'm going to be the first person who does this the longest time.
Yeah, because just going 35 miles on an electric unicycle wouldn't be very impressive.
No, uh-uh.
You got to juggle.
You got to throw some balls in there.
Yep.
All right.
Well, I think what it's time to do.
We have a purported pastor here who claims to understand the Bible.
He's written a commentary on the entire Bible over 30 years.
So he probably knows a lot of it.
How do you even go about that, writing a commentary on the Bible?
Is there any parts where you're like, I got nothing?
Well, in my case, in my case, it was something completely different because I never set out to write a Bible.
I never sat down and said, okay, I'm going to write a Bible commentary.
He's like, fell down.
You just accidentally did it over 30 years.
In a way, I just found out that what I prepare for myself is teaching notes.
Oh, okay.
What's helpful for other people is Bible commentary.
So I found that out by letting a website post my stuff and they posted it.
And I was kind of embarrassed that they did at first.
But then I found out, and this was way back, like 30 years, 25 years ago, it went online.
That's cool.
And yeah, I just found out.
Is it all free online?
It's all free online.
Wow.
So you don't make anything?
Where are you getting your money?
How do you make it?
There's a donate button.
Again, the website's enduringword.com.
The place that originally hosted my Bible commentary is a Bible resource called Blue Letter Bible.
They're a great Bible resource.
So you can get my commentary absolutely free either one of those places.
Nice.
Well, we're going to test how much we wanted to talk to you about humor, joking, you know, where's the line?
What's a good biblical framework for what we do?
Make sure we're not committing rampant heresy.
But before we do that, we need to test you and make sure you know your Bible.
All right.
Here's the tests.
The bee or not the bee?
That is the question I ask myself every morning as I drink from my the bee or not the bee mug.
Now you too can drink from this amazing coffee cup and ask yourself the same question.
Which is better?
It's so hard to decide.
In fact, I would say it's absolutely the baby on bee, but now the bee's pretty cool too.
Enjoy this mug.
It's time for obscure Bible trivia.
Okay, let's go.
Who is the father?
And I think, Dan, hopefully you know the answers to these.
I don't have them handy.
Who is the father of all who live in tents and raise livestock?
Oh, well, that's easy.
Okay.
Adam.
Adam?
Oh, okay.
That's a bit of a joke.
Okay.
Because Adam's the father of everybody.
Right.
Well, plus, like, who lives in tents and raises livestock?
A lot of people are.
I don't know the name.
It's in the book of Genesis, early chapters reference to that.
Does that count as some guy in Genesis?
Not really.
I think we need a name.
Yeah, we need a name.
I don't have any for you.
I mean, Ethan and I both know what it is, but Dan, what's the answer?
Yeah.
Jubal.
All right.
Who is the father of all who play stringed instruments and pipes?
Stringed instruments and pipes.
Oh, good heavens.
Jethro Tull.
And which again, which guy is that?
Early.
Book of Genesis.
Early on.
Give me the name.
Yeah, that's right.
Jubal.
Two ball again?
Wait.
Wait.
Is Jubilee the answer to the ball and two?
Oh, Tubal.
Tubal.
Jubal.
And Tubal.
Those crazy guys.
Yeah.
All right.
Who stabbed Eglon?
The man?
Yeah.
I'm going to answer three ball on that.
You don't know that stuff.
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah.
You're doing a Bible commentary, right?
You're getting to all this boring stuff, and all of a sudden, you're like, oh, a giant stabbing.
You're going to remember that one.
With the entrails falling out.
Yeah, and the fat coming out.
That's right.
Oh, wait.
Who did God hate before he had done anything good or bad?
Well, that would have been Esau because God did not choose Esau and He did not choose him to carry on the redemptive line, the covenant of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
Didn't choose him before he did anything good or bad.
Esau.
Correct.
Survey says.
All right.
Nice.
Yeah, that's how I felt about Blippy when I could turn on a Blippi video immediately.
I was like, I hate him.
He hated him right out of the gate.
That's how I felt about that comedian Bettina showed me yesterday, but I don't remember who it was.
Who, wait, am I right?
What number are we on?
Five, I think.
Who did Abraham give a tithe to?
Well, that's Melchizedek.
Okay.
Of course.
Got it.
Yeah.
Who did Paul leave in Crete to appoint elders in every town?
That's Titus.
Sure.
How many people did Samson kill with the jawbone of an ass?
Ooh, man.
I can't give you.
It was a bunch.
It was a bunch.
Who's a ballpark?
200.
Is he close?
1,000.
1,000?
No.
I mean, I would have said that.
Sorry about Samson.
I already corrected.
1,000.
A bunch.
All right.
Who gave the Israelites tumor and mice-shaped gold?
What?
Whoa.
Tumor-shaped gold?
Yeah.
Yeah, that was the Philistines when they were returning the Ark of the Covenant.
So those people, those people living in the coastal towns, the Philistines.
Got it.
And Biden's going to give Afghanistan a polyp-shaped piece of gold.
Well, okay.
Angle, Paul.
There's a little Bible humor.
The thing where it describes tumors there.
Pretty good Bible.
It's not absolutely sure, but fairly good scholarship says those were hemorrhoids.
Oh, wow.
And so golden golden.
Would be really.
Yeah.
What is that?
Do you know what the rationality, like the symbolic reason or something?
Well, the idea behind that is just simply that that's what the Philistines were afflicted with.
Oh, that's right.
Because they took the Ark of the Covenant and wanted to use it as a way to say we're triumphing a little bit.
So cleanse this plague.
That's right.
Looking at a hemorrhoid and then trying to create a golden left.
You know what?
It's too gross to even think about.
So yeah.
It's like one of those nude arts who says they have sculptures figure out the hemorrhoid model.
It's too disgusting to picture.
Yeah.
Okay.
I can't find the word hemorrhoid, so I don't know where I'm at.
Oh, there we go.
Which tribe of Israel was known for having an unusually large number of left-handed warriors?
I think it was Benjamin.
Got it.
Wow, got it.
Nice.
All right.
What group in the New Testament was declared anathema for bringing a different gospel?
Well, they're not Bible.
It's not in the Bible that they're called Judaizers, but they're popularly called Judaizers by Bible commentators.
People in Galatians, among the Galatians who were bringing another gospel.
People get Judaized a lot.
Did I say anathema?
Judge Judaism.
Did I say anathema, right?
That's a word I see a lot written.
No, anathema, yeah.
Anathema.
Yeah, that's a curse.
I know what it is.
I think one of those things that has water up in the.
No?
That's an anima.
It's what you do to clean out your polyps.
Clean polyps with anima.
Sorry.
Sorry, Pastor.
What has he gotten himself into?
In what book of the Bible does Paul use the Greek word for snut.
Good job.
Are we just obsessed with this subject here?
I didn't write this.
Dan wrote all these.
This is Dan and Dan.
Dan wrote 13 questions and eight of them are about.
I think it's Philippians.
And the Greek word I think is scubalon.
Skubalon.
Oh.
Got it.
All right.
Okay.
What prophet ate a book and found it sweet as honey?
Ooh, that would be the prophet John.
Or Ezekiel.
Ezekiel.
Or Ezekiel?
Both are right?
They both ate books together?
Well, no, it's separated by time.
Okay.
But they were both sweet as honey?
Yeah.
Besides Jonathan, who was Saul's son?
Ishbosheth.
Wow.
That sounds like a pig Latin swear word.
All right.
Now we're going to get to some multiple choice.
We have some multiple choice questions.
A little more advanced.
And these are about who begat who.
Which of the following?
We'll start off with an easy one.
Which of the following is not one of the sons of Noah?
Shem, Japheth, Ham, or Susage.
This cousin Cherdiso.
No, sausage, obviously there.
Yeah.
Adopted son.
Who did Peleg, Peleg?
Peleg, yeah.
Begat Tara, Ryu, Steve, Melusela.
Peleg, I think I'm going to say it was Methuselah.
Do you remember?
This one's Tara.
Ryu or Ryu.
Ryu.
Ryu?
Yeah.
Really?
Firefighter?
Yeah.
All right.
Who did Jocktan begat?
Susan?
Almo Dad?
Elma Mom?
Elmo Madam.
Elmo Mom?
Or Arfaksad.
You know, I'm really going to have to work on my genealogy memorization skills.
But let's just say it was Arfoxad.
I don't know.
I'm just kidding.
Almo Dad.
Sorry.
Okay.
All right.
I would have given you Elmo Mom because it's close to Elmodad.
It sounds the same, doesn't it?
I made that one up.
Who did Bogart begat?
A baguette?
Benguat, the font, Stephen Humphrey, or Bogota.
Let's go with Stephen Humphrey.
Good job.
Yeah.
All right.
Who did Kylie begat?
Northwest, Stormy, Rain Aston, or Saint?
I don't have the slightest idea.
This is a cultural reference.
I'm not going to get it.
No, that's a pass.
If he got it, then that would be a bad on him.
It's past what he knows.
That's a trick.
He knows who Kylie Shrimp is.
It's Stormy.
Yeah, Stormy.
Stormy is Kylie's child.
Okay, this has to do with the Kardashians.
They're Arminians.
All right, finally.
Who did Nachshan begat?
Salmon, trout, swordfish, bass.
Well, it had a salmon.
Yes.
Salmon?
Yeah.
Salmon?
That's the only one that's actually a biblical name also.
I am very impressed.
I think it'd be pretty good, right?
I don't know.
All right.
I guess you've been, you pass.
So take it away.
Tell us about humor, joking in the Bible.
Where should we draw our lines?
There's not a lot of jokes that are clearly in the Bible, but is there places humor can be found in the Bible?
Sure, sure.
You see this, for example, when the prophet Elijah mocked the prophets.
That's a great one.
A lot of people think that there's humor in some of the things that Jesus said, like with the Mark, I can see your house from you.
Yeah, that's right.
Camel through the eye of a needle.
You know, that this is just an absurd thing that was meant to put a smile on people's faces just comes the absurdity of it all.
But again, you just find, I think, the legitimacy of humor just in being in entertainment.
I mean, there's a legitimate role for people to just be at least in some measure distracted from some of the problems and pressures of the day and to find entertainment, whether it be in something dramatic, something suspenseful, or something humorous.
I mean, I think there's a legitimate place for it before God.
What about the idea of, you know, whatever is good, whatever is, holy, I'm butchering the probably.
But, you know, we often joke about dark things.
And it is a way of bringing light where I think, you know, relieving the suffering.
I think that that's the thing that is fascinating about people that survived well in concentration camps and situations like that, people that could still joke.
It's kind of a lifeline.
Is there a way that, I don't know, I mean, where's the line of like what you do and you don't joke about?
Well, I think that has to be looked at just at a life in its entirety.
I mean, the same Apostle Paul, inspired by the Holy Spirit, to write those words about keeping your mind on things that are good and pure and just, Paul had to deal with ugly things himself, and he dealt with them face to face.
So it's not like Paul said, well, I refuse to deal with that ugly thing.
Let's say it was a problem among the Corinthians or whatever it was, because that's not nice to look at.
But in the main, as a proportion of life, his life was focused on the things that were good and positive and right before God.
What about like in the modern sense, like whether it's like a satire article, like what about making jokes that involve God or Jesus?
Is that sort of sacrilegious or is that something like that it's okay to joke about?
As long as it's not like a derogatory reference to them, could you say, you know, like God did this today?
Or, you know, like I'm trying to think of an example, but I know the Babylon B has done ones where it's like, you know, God decrees this.
There's different kinds.
There's ones where we're making jokes that are, we're clearly joking about Christian culture's idea of what God is like, you know, where the Holy Spirit leaves because the fog machine broke.
Yeah, yeah.
There's also ones where it's just a stupid joke.
Like we did one where something about the Son and the Holy Spirit kind of getting tired of the father's dad jokes.
Yeah.
And that one, and we had people that like did full-on expository explanations of why that is not really.
You could not joke like that.
I think those would really have to be judged on a case-by-case basis.
I mean, look, obviously, humor can be transgressive.
It can be profane or blasphemous.
But I don't think necessarily making a joke that has God in it, so to speak, is being necessarily blasphemous, disrespectful.
Since it's a case-by-case basis, are you available that we can send you a bunch of jokes each week?
Yeah, just like.
Yeah.
Just put me on retainer or something like that.
You know, like they have the kosher stamp and have rabbi approach.
And then the angry letters can go to you if you approve something.
I do.
What do we say?
Like, pastor on staff that's always here praying over things, making sure everything's going, you know.
Standards and practices.
Yeah, standards and practice.
But sorry, I've cut you agree.
No, no, I had nothing more to say in that regard because I really think that just is the case.
Obviously, there's lines out there.
And maybe those lines will be crossed sometimes.
They shouldn't be.
But in the whole, from what I read on the B, it's playful, it's respectful, especially the things that are good that are poking fun at phenomena in Christian culture, like the fog machine thing.
Holy Spirit can't work because the fog machine broke down or that kind of thing.
I think that's a clever and kind of insightful way to poke some fun at something.
You think sometimes we go after televangelists pretty hard, some of these prosperity people, you think that's safe ground to joke?
Or are we coming after our own brothers and sisters in Christ?
Or is it, you know, there's some people, we get a lot of criticism about that.
Like, hey, they may not think the same way you do, but they're part of the church.
But Joel Osteen's a wonderful man.
He's a wonderful man.
No, look, it's a target-rich environment, pretty hard to pass up.
And I think everybody should be able to laugh at themselves in some regard.
If somebody has something that's so, I don't know, exalted, especially any human being on earth, that fun can't be made of them in some way.
That's too high of a pedestal for them.
What do you think about the one that I've always wondered in stand-up comedy and just joking around in general that I've always been a little uncomfortable with?
What do you think about joking about people going to hell or being in hell?
I've seen satire sites, they'll make a joke about, you know, when this person died, like now they're in hell.
Or, you know, as a joke, you're saying this person's definitely going to hell.
I also, because that's such a issue of salvation and God's judgment, it's one of those things I've never been completely comfortable joking about that in a weird way.
Well, I think it's true.
But the part of it is sometimes, oftentimes, I think when those depictions of hell are given, they're so cartoonish.
That's true.
What you're really talking about is the cultural idea of hell.
Not necessarily what the Bible really thinks of it.
Yeah.
You know, you talk down there that devil and the underwear and the fish work and stuff like that.
I mean, I would find that personally more acceptable because it's just talking about the cultural idea of it more than actually the biblical explanation of what hell would really mean.
Right.
Yeah.
Try not to take joy in the demise of the wicked.
Yeah.
But yeah, I get uncomfortable too with some of those jokes.
And I know we do have some of those.
But yeah, I think that's an area to be careful.
So the writers laugh.
If those jokes, they're going to hell.
Yeah.
We didn't do them.
Might have been the guy who was sitting there before.
I don't know.
And you have any words for Kyle who likes to make jokes about people going to hell.
Does he really?
He's really.
I didn't even know that.
Okay.
So how about we get into some hate mail?
Want to get some hate mail?
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You get some.
So you're going to read some of your hate mail.
We always read hate.
We like to honor our hate mail.
This is great.
Our haters are some of our favorite comments.
Okay.
So my favorite one this week is going to be in our subscriber lounge teaser.
But this is a very disappointed podcast listener wrote a one-star review on iTunes.
This is from Fox Feather 13.
Just had to throw that in there.
These guys seem like they would eat cereal for breakfast instead of as a snack.
This podcast.
Stop right there.
Yeah, that throws me off.
Is that a criticism?
I don't know.
I don't understand that first.
It's like you're sensible men.
Yeah, you eat cereal for breakfast?
Or are you childish because you eat cereal?
Sometimes I do.
So far, they've nailed itself.
Do you eat takes benediction?
They're not talking about necessarily lucky charms.
They could eat something very healthy.
They're just saying cereal.
Instead of the snack.
So I like how you're more honorable if you're sitting there with the box open, eating it like nacho or chips, corn chips.
In a weird way, that whole sentence, these guys seem like they would eat cereal for breakfast instead of as a snack.
It sounds like one of those insults that's like in another language or culture and then it doesn't translate here.
Like it's something they say somewhere.
Like you seem like a kind of guy who folds his underwear.
Yeah.
I don't know.
So yeah, I'm still not sure where they're going there.
Are they saying we're underfined?
Because the next sentence, this podcast is like listening to nails on a chalkboard, but chalk is spelled C-H-O-C-K.
A chalkboard.
Is chalk a word?
C-H-O-C-K chalk?
Chalk full of nuts.
Chalk full, right?
Chalk.
There's no chalk boards, though.
Chalk.
A wedge or block placed against a wheel.
So that's a chalk.
Yeah, that's a chalk.
Okay.
I didn't know that.
Chalk block.
But that's not a chalkboard.
Maybe they have a board they put a bunch of chalks on.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I think this guy is deeper than we are.
My document jumped.
His next line is great.
Wish I could take back the 30 minutes I wasted listening to this.
So it took him 30 minutes.
Yeah.
Why didn't he stop after five minutes?
And also listening, he is listening.
This supports my theory that this isn't a native English speaker.
It could be.
There's been three misspelled words so far.
There's an awful lot of people who write.
That's true.
It's true, yeah.
It's the internet.
Then they're on your phone.
Yeah.
I feel like I look like I speak in broken English through my texts and things.
This is what I should have expected when I turned on a podcast by two white Donald Trunk butt kissers.
Donald Trunk, Donald Trunk.
And he's put an asterisk in the word white.
Like it's a bad word.
Why is the bad word?
I as an asterisk.
I don't know.
Yeah.
Perhaps you, the letter you, should take your you are hate red.
The color red.
Like hatred, but he wrote hate red.
Oh, I get that.
Oh, hate red.
Okay, hatred.
Hate red.
Okay, gotcha.
Somewhere else.
Because W-E-R-E, it's not where B-C, which means because, I think we don't need it here.
And then all caps, and then how many exclamation points?
I can't count them.
We got one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten exclamation points.
Chock full of exclamation points.
Ten.
That's persuasive.
Sincerely, Kelly.
Sincerely.
Yours truly.
Sincerely.
Warmest regards.
Well, I'm sorry you didn't like that volume.
I mean, I don't know what episode you watched, but you should try this one.
This is a good one.
All right.
Well, we're going to go to our subscriber lounge.
We're going to dive into it.
We have a great message from a woman who we had a video where we featured Joe Biden's speech writer.
And the idea being that this guy doesn't talk.
He talks very strange and he's kind of a weirdo.
And so Biden's actually nailing it when he does his speeches.
And he's just saying goofy words and stuff.
This woman thinks it's real.
And so she's very angry at this guy.
He's this Biden speechwriter.
The damage he's done to Western civilization.
And then we're going to talk about free will and predestination.
Since Kyle's not here and he's the hardcore Calvinist, we're going to poke some holes and play around there.
Except for Dan's still here, so he might be squirming.
We'll do some subscriber headlines and we're going to ask Mr. Guzik the 10 questions.
10 questions?
We have the 10 questions we ask all guests.
Oh boy.
You ready?
I can hardly wait.
All right, perfect.
Well, thanks for joining us.
Check out Pastor Guzik's online commentary.
Again, that is at enduringword.com.
That's it.
Enduringword.com.
I almost said ever commentary.
I was just trying to come up with the word in my mind because I couldn't find it.
All right.
See you next time.
Coming up next for Babylon B subscribers.
Well, here we are in the subscriber lounge, and we just found out that we have Christmas outfits.
So we got a lot of Calvinists around here.
I lean free will.
So instead of the term free will, I favor the term real choice.
Forum where subscribers pitch their headlines to us.
The ones that have made it to the top, we read them on here and judge them.
Yeah, did you hear that they skipped the new and years?
Wondering what they'll say next?
The rest of this podcast is in our super exclusive premium subscriber lounge.
Go to babylonb.com/slash plans for full-length ad-free podcasts.
Kyle and Ethan would like to thank Seth Dylan for paying the bills, Adam Ford for creating their job, the other writers for tirelessly pitching headlines, the subscribers, and you, the listener.