THE BEE WEEKLY: Kissing Chickens, A Hollywood Conservative, And Blue Checks
In this Bee Weekly, Kyle and Ethan are joined by Adam Yenser, a writer on The Ellen Show and a Republican in Hollywood who has inexplicably not been canceled yet. The CDC has new guidelines about kissing chickens for some reason and we talk about real things blue checks on Twitter say. There's the usual weird news of the week, unexpected love mail, glorious hate mail, and more! Introduction Adam Yenser is here! Check out Cancelled News! Upcoming Interview Pastor Gabriel Hughes will be on the interview show next. We play the game Sin or Not Sin with him, talk about growing up around CCM artists, and in subscriber portion we go into stupid things Christians have said. It will come out Tuesday for the free loaders and the extended interview will be out Monday for all the beloved and wonderful paid subscribers. Subscriber Comment of the Week From Last Bee Weekly Goes To crsluggo! Best comment from Frank Fleming's Wife YouTube Comment of the Week On The White Liberal Shocked As Black Man Gets ID Weird News CDC urges Americans not to kiss chickens amid Salmonella outbreak Goodwill asks people to stop donating literal garbage During a burglary call in SC a police dog bit a cow, then the officer tased the dog, then the cow kicked the officer The largest Lutheran denomination in Europe just announced that it is "trans." Chicago's Lori Lightfoot is now excluding white reporters from interviews Teen in Spain built underground den after fight with his parents Spanish man becomes first creature killed by a dinosaur in a long time Idaho men bounce Ping-Pong balls into 5 cups for Guinness record "Real Things Blue Checks Say" and various Twitter happenings What is going on with Larry the Cucumber? This event was 1000 times worse than 9/11. Can you guess? This journalist found discarded "glock packaging" Wapo is worried about masks coming off and what this means for sexism. Blue Check pontificates on who is not a Christian. This mom on TikTok hates her baby because he's white. David Hogg makes an appearance this week. Adam Yenser on being a conservative Republican in Hollywood and writing for the Ellen Show. Love Mail Matt Taibbi had some nice things to say about us! Hate Mail We have sold out for the babies.Subscriber Portion We get a message asking about the conservative one joke and whether we get bored of it. The Ten Questions for Adam Yenser
The CDC has advised everybody to stop kissing chickens.
Lutherans are trans now.
A man was killed by dot dot dot.
A dinosaur?
What?
Larry the Cucumber is a cannibal?
People on Twitter said dumb stuff.
Openly Republican comedian not fired yet.
Hmm, is that me?
Because I'm going to be fired after this airs.
All this and more on the Bee Weekly.
All this and more on the Bee Weekly.
I think they'll add that of the music.
Maybe?
I don't know.
Yeah, we added it.
That's going to be.
It hasn't been determined yet.
Greetings, Babylon B followers, fans, listeners, viewers.
This episode is brought to you by the book, How to Exasperate Your Wife by good old Dougie Wilson.
Check it out at howtoexasperate.com for 20% off.
That's howtoexasperate.com.
Well, everybody, we got Adam Jenser with us.
In the house.
Thank you guys for having me.
It's fun to be here.
If you had a Disney channel show, it would be called Adam in the House.
I'm pitching that one right now.
Adam in the house.
There's no constant.
Up and Adam.
That's much better.
I already pitched what he said.
I kind of find some Jenser, but I don't know.
I'll think about it while you talk about him.
So, yeah, Adam Jenser.
We've been wanting to have you on for a while.
Yeah, thank you guys for having me.
You only canceled me twice before.
You've canceled me more than the liberals in this industry.
We had two guys.
We've had two people that whenever we, we don't travel much, but when we do, and it gets in the way of a date, there's been two guys that constantly have had to movie.
It's always your name pops up.
And then we had this other guy, this cop guy that we were both.
Oh, canceled.
Now I get it.
Yep, canceled.
Yeah, we canceled your, yep.
We cancel my hair sales.
Not my career.
We're postponed culture, not canceled culture.
So we had Jan.
So you were a comedian.
People can look up Adam's stuff online.
He's a very funny guy.
And every comedian we've had on, I'm like, you got any other names we should have on?
And everybody says, Adam Jenser, have them on.
Oh, I appreciate it.
Thanks.
I love the people you've had on.
I mean, Josh Denny, Erica Rhodes, they're hilarious.
Yeah.
We agree.
Yeah, okay.
All right.
You write for Ellen?
You write at Conan?
Yeah, I worked as a segment producer's assistant at Conan for six years, and then I've been a writer for the Ellen show now for 10 years.
Wow.
And yeah, I've been openly conservative the whole time.
Yeah, it says right on your Twitter bio.
It does.
Is that like an affirmative action thing?
Like they have to have one.
I wish there was, I wish that worked that way, that they had to hire people based on diversity of views rather than just diversity of appearance.
Did you guys see that on the NPR tweeted out a picture of their interns?
And it was like all of them on a Zoom call.
No.
And it was like 50 different interns, and there was one white guy, like one white male.
And he's just like, and all of them had their pronouns and all these different races.
And there's one white guy, and he's got no pronouns or whatever, just like Bob.
So that's what it made me.
Maybe that is his pronoun now.
I've lost track of it.
Maybe Bob is a pronoun.
It could be a pronoun.
Whenever they wanted to.
Whenever the new diversity hires, it's interns and stuff, though.
It's not the people making the hires.
They're all white.
Yeah.
All right.
So we'll get more.
We're going to, you know, we'll dig more into your whole being an oppressed Republican.
Yeah.
You know, living out the money.
The man is keeping us down.
Yeah.
We'll get into that later.
Sad.
It's hard for white men out there.
It is.
We've had a really rough run of it.
Yeah.
Well, hey, this Tuesday we have an interview coming out with Pastor Gabriel Hughes.
So check that out.
If you're a Babylon only subscriber, you get it a day early on Monday.
So go to BabyMalabia.com slash plans and subscribe and you get it early.
We play our favorite game that we like to play with pastors, which always gets them in trouble and is always a little bit awkward.
We play a sin or not sin and we ask them what's sin or not sin.
And they never quite know what to do with that.
Well, yeah, let's look at some subscribers or some comments.
We got some comments.
This was from a subscriber from the last episode, Chris Lugo, that I could listen to Frank talk about stomping on animals all day long.
Really tickles my funny bone.
Who knew?
All I can think about, though, is Weird Al's Weasel Stomping Day.
Regardless, now I know how to defeat an animal.
Stomp the flowerbed out of it.
And he does say flowerbed.
Flowerbed.
He said flowerism.
Yeah, that was mainly the gist of Frank's arguments about how to defeat an animal is stomping them.
Yeah, he was a little heavy on the stomping.
Yeah.
It's because a lot of animals are below waist level and you have the advantage.
What about animals that are too big to stomp?
Yeah, I think you can use your feminine.
Knock them over and that's the gorilla.
Yeah, we went on the whole thing.
It was a thing that happened.
We also got a comment from Frank Fleming's wife because Frank claimed to be an expert on animals and women.
And she almost commented on our website and said, it's possible that Frank is lying about being an expert on women.
And then Frank responded, Admittedly, I don't understand you, but all other women.
And we haven't heard from Frank in four days.
Yeah.
So quiet.
Then they unfollowed each other.
Blocked.
And we got the YouTube comment of the week on the white liberal shocked as Black Man Gets ID sketch that we put up, which is doing great.
Jacob Moates, Ignorant Means Stupid.
I laughed so hard it scared my four-month-old.
That is the best line in that one.
It's all downhill from there.
And unfortunately, it's front-loaded.
It's right up to the beginning.
And this is going to be good.
No, no more jokes.
It's just racism the rest of the time.
But that one part is really funny.
All right.
We ready for some weird news?
I'm always ready for weird news.
Oh, yeah.
Let's do it.
Yeah.
This news is weird.
The CDC has urged Americans not to kiss chickens amid a salmonella outbreak.
So there's a lot of questions here that we have.
Raises more questions than answers.
Like, how common is chicken kisses?
Was this an issue?
Yeah, was this an issue before?
I didn't know you could get salmonella from just kissing a chicken.
Yeah, I think you have to eat like a flat.
How far did you think you have to go with the chicken to get salmonella?
It's a hard base.
I see.
I see.
If you fully cook the chicken, then can you kiss it?
Because isn't it when they're raw?
That's the whole thing.
Yeah, you have to cook it enough or you get salmonella.
Or what if you're wearing your mask?
Can you kiss the chicken if you're both wearing a mask?
A mask, you do anything.
Yeah, you just kind of mask pressing.
Oh, mask the chicken too?
Double mask.
Oh, yeah, of course.
Yeah, obviously.
Yeah, they got sharp beaks.
They could penetrate the mask.
You got to be careful.
The CDC warned that poultry can carry salmonella germs, even if they look healthy and clean.
So if you're looking at the chicken's beak and you're like, that looks pretty clean.
I've never seen a healthy, clean-looking chicken.
If you get close enough to where you're going to kiss it, it's going to look dirty.
Yeah, they look bad.
They don't look healthy ever.
And I guess snuggling is bad too.
Don't kiss.
Don't kiss or snuggle the birds.
I also like it says it's linked to backyard poultry.
Is that the PC term for pet chickens?
We prefer the term.
Backyard poultry.
Poultry of yards.
And they kiss them, apparently.
They're in a relationship with their backyard poultry.
But if you have a chicken farm, is it only if you're raising the backyard?
If you're one of those chicken farmers that has a massive plantation of chickens, you can go out there and just cover yourself in chicken snuggles and kisses.
If you get the salmonella vaccine, you can do that.
Yeah.
Kiss as many chickens as you want.
That's right.
Yeah, I love these warnings that ask, you know, prompt more questions than they do.
Like when they were telling people, please do not fill up the bags with gasoline.
That was whatever.
And it's also like a lot of people question the CDC already.
It's like they're trying to lose their credit card.
Like, now let's talk about chicken kissing.
Chicken kissing, good.
Goodwill asks people to stop donating literal garbage.
So this feels like it could, this is new.
It seems like I would assume Goodwill gets a lot of literal garbage.
Is it just worse now?
They do get tons of garbage.
I know a lot of people like this.
It's like when you're moving, right?
And all of a sudden you have all this garbage.
You just need to get rid of it.
And it's like, am I really going to make two trips and sort it all out?
Or you just stop at Goodwill when they're closed and leave it all in their parking lot.
You got to hide the garbage under the good stuff.
You sneak a layer of clothes and then styrofoam cups underneath.
But you can shovel the garbage inside the dresser that you give them.
Yeah.
Exactly.
Gotcha.
There's trash in every drawer.
Across the country, they've been flooded by household items, and they say they're getting flashlights with leaking batteries, disfigured Barbie dolls.
Yeah, this is all stuff you see at Goodwill anyway.
This is normal stuff.
Have you guys ever been to the Goodwill donation facility down by the border, by the Mexican border?
They have this crazy, like, massive warehouse, and you have to wait outside in line, and you go in, and then they pull out giant, you know, like they'll pull out like 12 bins at once.
Do they sort of get it?
And everybody just runs for it and starts.
Do they keep the garbage in cages at the border?
Yes.
It's like Goodwill's already an outlet and it's like an outlet for the outlet.
I have a friend who he makes money selling stuff on eBay.
He steals it out of the Goodwill dumpsters because they throw stuff away that they don't want to sell.
And I was almost arrested one time because we were out and then on the way back he wanted to stop at Goodwill to steal stuff out of the dumpster.
And a cop showed up because there was two other people also at 2 a.m. stealing stuff out of a Goodwill dumpster.
That's illegal?
That's weird.
Apparently it is.
In Pennsylvania.
In Pennsylvania it is.
So how's that do for him financially?
I mean, it keeps him going.
I know I had a friend that bought a box of trading cards at Goodwill and it turned out to be someone's like entire life Magic the Gathering collection that like maybe their mom had just donated when they went to college and he sold it for $2,500.
Oh my gosh.
For $3.
I think a lot of the stuff, there's people like, you know, my wife is an example of one of them where if you say, let's throw this away, that they struggle with that a lot.
Yeah.
It's garbage.
But then you say, well, give it to Goodwill.
And they're like, okay.
I'm doing something good with it.
It will have a life.
It will go on.
Leaking battery flashlight.
My stuff will go.
Disfigure the battery.
The leaking battery flashlight with sentimental value.
We can't get rid of that.
Just feels wasteful.
You take number three.
During a burglary call in South Carolina, a police dog bit a cow.
Then the officer tased the dog.
Then the cow kicked the officer.
Certainly it's not like a nursery rhyme.
It is.
It's like.
Yeah.
I heard someone say this is the new rock, paper, scissors stuff thing.
Dog, cow, taser.
We should play.
So it says that he arrived with the cane, the canine.
He was waiting for backup, but his dog got distracted by a nearby cow.
I feel like this canine needed more training.
Like, this isn't the whole.
It's a good thing cows don't have salmonella.
So the dog just ran towards the cow and bitches.
And also, there was a cow near the burglary.
What were they stealing?
Like a trough?
Stealing chickens.
And then the canine then ran toward the cow and began to bite its leg.
This forced the officer to pull out his taser and use it on the cable.
So on his own dog.
It forced him to use it.
There's no other way to do it.
I have no other choice.
I just, I got it too.
It's a tear streaming down his.
Are they not feeding these dogs?
Or is it just doggy?
They have to take old Yeller out and tase him behind the bar.
Yeah, that's the non-lethal version of the old Yeller story.
Is old Yeller dead?
No, he's just incapacitated for a few moments.
Corrective therapy.
So, okay, so then he shocked it, and then suddenly the guy got kicked by the cow.
Yeah.
And so that was.
That's an ungrateful cow because he was trying to save him and then the cow kicked him.
I would have bonus tased the cow.
Or can you use a taser twice or does it like a rhyme?
Reloading.
You have to like reel him in or something.
I don't know how it works.
I don't know what happens after you fire Taser.
Once they're out, you have to throw it away.
No, I'm just kidding.
I'm not.
You don't know?
I have no idea.
Cops who listened?
We should have asked the cop.
We just interviewed a cop.
How many times can you?
How many times do you fire Taser?
We could Google it too.
I just Googled it, but I got nothing.
Okay, so here we go.
The largest Lutheran denomination in Europe just announced that it is trans as a denomination.
It is.
We are trans.
I'm Earthern, so I guess I'm trans now, according to this.
So does that mean they're Baptists now?
How does a denomination say they is Baptist now?
Trans to what?
So it doesn't make any sense at all.
So the Church of Sweden, which happens to be the largest Lutheran denomination in all of Europe and the single largest Christian denomination, announced that it as a denomination is trans.
And the reason they said, they announced that since some of its parishioners are trans, then the church must be trans too, which it apparently now is.
So that'd be weird if the Catholic Church did that with since some of our priests are pedophiles.
No, I shouldn't say the whole church identified.
We all identify it.
But why is that bizarre?
Why do you why?
Why is it that if some of them are trans, the whole church is trans?
But if some of them are still, if some of them are still cisgender straight, why doesn't that affect them?
Or at least all of them?
It doesn't make any sense.
No.
So you only get one shot with the taser.
You have to wind up and repack the wires as well.
Wind up.
Yeah.
I was right.
I had no idea.
Does this drag the criminal in?
I can reel him in.
I get a big one.
But it says Taser did release one that you can fire three shots before reloading.
You guys are still on that story.
I'm trying to figure out how I'm trans now.
He jumped back.
He jumped back.
Yeah, he's trans.
But which Lutheran denomination are you?
You're not a part of this.
I'm not part of the Swedish.
I'm Missouri Synod Lutheran.
Yeah.
Yeah, the identifier.
We haven't transitioned yet.
We're still the denomination we were assigned at birth.
Yeah.
They're the extra bigoted denomination of Lutherans.
Well.
I got nothing.
I'm so baffled by it.
I don't know what else to say about it.
Do you want to read the next weird news story?
Is it my turn?
I think it is.
Oh.
Chicago's Lori Lightfoot is now excluding white reporters from interviews.
So she just announced that, yeah, I'll do a one-on-one interview, but only if they are a person of color.
They got to be black or brown.
So I guess, does Asian count?
I'm getting confused because I think Asian is starting to get categorized as white now.
They're trying to make it white adjacent.
In school, when it comes to academics, I feel like they're grouped with like whites.
But then when it comes to hate crimes where they can blame Trump for saying kung flu, then they're not.
So wherever it works.
Yeah.
That's good.
Yeah, it's relative.
Yes, we did a story suggesting how great it would be if Thomas Soule took her up on that offer.
And people loved it.
Just the idea of Thomas Soule.
Such a great image in your mind.
Just walking in.
Did somebody call for an interview?
Somebody needed a black man?
I am here.
How many interviews has she done since then?
Are they just getting a whole room full of black people and people of color to interview her?
That's in any other context for someone to be like, I'm granting interviews, but it's like the color of your skin.
It's based entirely on the color of your skin.
Crazy.
Well, I know it's not my turn now.
Am I the next one?
Yes.
Teen in Spain built underground den after fight with his parents.
A Spanish teenager got into a heated argument with his parents a few years back and then headed to the backyard where he blew off some steam by pounding a pickaxe into the ground.
He built him like a cave to live in.
It has like Wi-Fi and heating.
Yeah, a friend brought over a pneumatic drill and they worked 14-hour weeks digging out the den.
Wait, that's one of the things.
Like, if he put that much time into his chores, he probably wouldn't have gotten in a fight with his parents.
Like, he discovered.
It's like, I'm not going to clean my room.
I'm going to go build an alternate house underground.
It's smart.
I love that he was just angrily hitting a pickaxe in the ground.
Somebody's like, wait a minute, this could be a room.
That's got to be like, like, you probably live in your parents' basement, no lower.
It's like Minecraft in life or something.
Yeah.
Spanish man becomes first creature killed by a dinosaur in a long time?
First creature.
Well, he's a creature.
Oh, so this man was found dead from getting.
You have to say creature because only half of your viewers believe that men were killed by dinosaurs simultaneously.
Well, that's the first creature.
So some would say ever.
Yes.
Oh, that's a funny headline.
And scientifically accurate.
So a missing 39-year-old man was found dead from getting stuck headfirst in the leg of a paper-mâché dinosaur statue.
So he was, it says he might have been trying to retrieve his mobile phone after dropping it.
So this is like at a museum or something?
I guess.
I don't know.
I can't picture the physics of how this.
How do you drop your phone into a paper-mache statue?
It's just killing the leg.
And then it's all hollow, probably.
So they have like this art piece outside.
There's a picture.
Oh, I see.
That's like out there, and this man was found dead inside of it.
And it wasn't even a carnivore.
If it's paper-mâché, can't you?
Can't you get out?
Can't you get out of paper machine?
Can you punch through it?
Maybe it's a really strong paper-mache.
He got stuck in the leg, like wedged in, and he couldn't move.
Man, poor guy.
Yeah, he was upside down in the hollow leg.
So he.
So they found he yeeted himself into the leg.
Yeet.
Yeah.
He was stuck in there.
No cap.
Well, I'm sorry.
Sorry they had to go like that.
Yeah.
Sad news, actually.
Very sad news.
All right.
Kyle, Idaho man bounced ping pong balls into five cups for Guinness World Record.
Fastest time to bounce ping pong balls into five cups after their two previous attempts were disqualified.
They cheat, I guess.
And they broke the record with a time of 2.87 seconds.
Five cups.
Can you just make up your own records now?
Because it's like nobody's done six cups yet.
I could just be like, oh, I'm going to.
And I could take three hours to do it.
And be like, oh, it's just now.
I'm the world record holder for bouncing ping pong balls.
There needs to be somebody regulating Guinness.
I'm the world record holder for bouncing one Spanish man into a dinosaur statue.
Yeah, they could have done that.
The longest time hung upside down inside a stegosaurus leg.
You have to bounce him pretty hard.
All right, well, that was weird news, man.
It was weird news.
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Hey, Ethan, did you know that sometimes people go on the internet and say stupid things?
Oh, really?
Yeah.
I've never done that.
Not me.
You Adam?
I feel like it's happening right now.
What was your worst tweet, Adam?
You know what?
I don't tweet many things.
I don't like Twitter.
I mean, I post clips of stand-up and that's about it.
Sad.
My Twitter handle is Clean Comedian69.
That's probably the worst.
That right there is the worst.
That's the worst thing I've read on Twitter.
And I also, I signed up for Twitter like 12 years after it came out.
And that was the handle that I wanted.
And it was available.
And I'm like, how has no one taken Clean Comedian69 already?
What does the 69 reference do?
Is that like the year you were born?
Just a clean comedian.
There were 68 other clean comics.
Okay.
That was number.
Yeah, you tried 67, 68.
Exactly.
Gotcha.
So here's some real things that stupid stupid things that were said on the internet this week.
Yeah, it's fun.
Real things that blue checks say.
Okay, so VeggieTales likes to post all these little inspirational images and it'd be like Bob the Tomato and he's like, God's got this.
Yeah.
But he's not doing this because he doesn't have an arm, but he'll kind of give you that look and say, you know, hang in there, man.
And they'll do ones that are like kind of blasphemous too.
Because when I worked on VeggieTales, we would watch this and it's completely separate from, I don't know who does these, but like there would be one where they'd take a verse that had the word God in it, but they'd switch it to gourd.
Like worship the Lord your gourd or whatever.
Like they just show like a squash character like Jerry.
Like, what are they doing?
I do think that this new one takes the cake because when I saw, I saw this a few times and I thought, oh, somebody's being funny.
This is a meme.
This is the actual Veggie Tales account.
And they posted, sometimes you got to just chill and know God's got this.
And you got Larry the Cucumber kicking back and he's got two slices of cucumber over his closed eyelids.
Yeah, you know, women will do with the cucumbers on their eyes.
It just makes it weird.
So it raises a million questions.
So many questions.
Like, where?
Where did those come from?
Yeah, is that...
Is that part of him?
Is he...
Does he have a part that is like that shape?
Because he doesn't have arms.
I don't know what he has.
It could be a horrifyingly disgusting thing.
Murder cucumber younglings.
Yeah, did he kill a child?
Children?
We didn't do that in the show.
I remember we had a, you know, they're making a sandwich and we just went ahead and like went with it and they had little tomatoes in the sandwich and stuff.
And Bob's eating a sandwich with little slices of tomato in it.
But for me, the funniest thing is like there's this whole controversy on the show.
They were very upset that our new Veggie Tales had eyebrows.
We've talked about this.
Yeah.
And so the social media people would actually edit the eyebrows off of the new designs.
You'd see them all suddenly their eyebrows would be gone.
Because the person in charge was like, the eyebrows are freaking people out.
Get your eyebrows.
So I love that this picture does not have the eyebrows, but he does have slices of his own flesh on top of his face.
As long as there's no eyebrows, we're good.
But shouldn't it be like human body parts?
Yeah, that'd be less disturbing.
Like if we're doing the analogy that these are humans and maybe like a cross-section of an arm on a pepperoni arm slice.
Yes.
Just the cross-section of a person, like the gut right there.
So Phil Visher responded to this.
And he says, sometimes people do things without paying attention to what they're doing, like putting sliced cucumbers on the eyes of a cucumber and having him smile about it.
And then he's like, he calls out.
I guess they're like his producers, aren't they?
Because isn't he still working on the show?
They're doing like a new version of him.
He's like, happy to help you all avoid things like this.
Does he want to run the social media account?
I guess.
Does he need work that bad?
Yeah.
It seems like I just, how does it, because it didn't only get through.
It's been, I don't know if it's still up, but it's been up for a long time.
It was up, yeah.
And all the comments, like every single comment is just like, what?
That's all anybody notices.
Yeah, it's all Hannibal Lecter pictures.
Still up.
Still up.
Still up on Facebook.
They just fire it off and they don't even ever go back and look at it because it's got like thousands of shares.
Maybe that's how he stays young.
Like they say like celebrities get those like blood, blood facials.
He just has other cucumber juice on him.
Yeah, he's eating baby cucumbers in the adrenochrome.
Yeah.
He's a QAnon cucumber.
Cue cucumber.
I've never had a cucumber before.
That's beautiful.
This may not be the worst VeggieTail social media post, though.
This is classic.
Because on 9-11, a few years ago, they posted never forget 9-11.
And there's a smiling Bob and Larry exist in memory of many, in honor of all.
Hashtag never forget.
Hashtag VeggieTales.
Oh, gosh.
And how many years ago was that?
It was like when you were working on that show.
Yeah, I was working on the show at the time.
And they haven't done it since then, which means they forgot.
Look, look.
They edited.
Those are our characters and they edited the eyebrows out.
They edited out the eyebrows.
Which makes them look really weird because they're trying to make the expressions with the moving on.
They're happy.
They're having a very happy 9-11.
We didn't put it on here, but did you ever see the Spaghetti O'S Pearl Harbor tweet?
No.
Spaghetti Os goes, take a moment to remember Pearl Harbor with us.
And it's the Spaghetti Ozo holding an American flag.
Like anytime you just a national tragedy where lots of people died, and then you just like, at least don't want to join.
No one's going to Spaghetti O's that day.
Like, what do they think about Pearl Harbor?
And plus, you don't want to eat something with a bunch of red sauce and meat in it when you're thinking about death.
That's true.
When you're thinking about Pearl Harbor.
But there was other bad 9-11 tweets.
Yeah.
This is a blue check mark White House correspondent at the Huffington Post.
And he continued to double down on this.
Yeah, so I don't know the context of the conversation, but this guy, Damon, said United 93 was intended to crash into the Capitol.
You think January 6th was worse than that?
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
So he's replying to this guy, this blue check, who was saying something about 9-11 or this year.
He was basically saying, you think January 6th was worth in 9-11?
And he goes, 1,000% worse.
First of all, math.
We're just going by numbers here.
He got ratioed hardcore.
That's a bad ratio.
Wow.
And he doubled down?
He did.
He doubled down on it.
Yeah.
What does Spaghettios think about January 6th?
They're like, fuck.
Insurrection.
Oh, an insurrection.
Oh, man.
Oh, okay.
So I guess conservative columnist George Will had said that the January 6th Capital storming should be burned into the American mind, just like 9-11.
And then SV took it further.
He said the 9-11 terrorists in Osama bin Laden never threatened the American heartland the way the January 6th Capitol protesters did.
So, hmm.
Sad.
Yeah.
Not good.
What else we got in both of them?
I enjoyed this one.
This journalist guy, I think he's a journalist, David Chu.
He found a package on the street.
He said, finding the discarded packaging of a semi-automatic on a leisurely weekend walk was disturbing, particularly during this month's surge of gun violence in San Francisco.
Hashtag and gun violence, hashtag enough is enough.
We found a discarded gun.
So he found a discarded blister pack or apparently somebody bought a Glock 19 that was just hanging on a store shelf.
It was on the discount being at Walmart.
So clearly he's never bought a gun.
Can you buy a real gun like that in a plastic blister pack?
I wish.
So this is an airsoft or some kind of air gun.
It says air gun right under the word Glock.
And then it's frustrating when you have to use it because you're trying to get your gun, but it's in the hand.
Somebody has scissors.
I need to defend myself.
Hold on, give me a second.
You need your other gun to shoot it open.
So then he deleted the earlier tweet when it got completely disratioed.
But I love how he kind of just sticks with it.
He says, I deleted an earlier tweet that misidentified a Glock 19 air pistol.
While not a semi-automatic, it's still disturbing to see remnants of a weapon that can cause injury, especially in an area where young kids play and while we are dealing with a surge of gun violence in San Francisco.
This is my favorite kind of like walk back and double down.
Some people are like, okay, it wasn't as bad as I said, but still.
Yes.
Someone could have gotten a welt.
So is an air pistol in the sense that this is like an airsoft gun?
If it's an air, I'm guessing you use those airsoft guns come in those packages like that, right?
And it looks like it's a replica of some other gun.
And those do not cause damage.
Oh, and this savage poster replied to him and said, I found a discarded doll in the trash today.
But because at first I thought it was a fetus, I decided to stick with my mistaken opinion that the abortion problem is so out of control.
I'm literally finding babies in the trash.
Feels better to just double down on it.
That was our own Ethan Nicole.
Nice.
Just absolutely dunking on the blue check.
Blue check versus blue check.
Was that posted at like 3 a.m.?
It was one of those mutilated Barbie dolls from Probably.
I always wake up in the morning and Ethan has like all these random things he's tweeted at 3 a.m. messages, emails.
Didn't I get my work done?
Yeah.
Not really.
All right, here was a Washington Post tweet.
This is an actual article.
An article, a full article they wrote.
Masks are off, which means men will start telling women to smile again.
Let's just keep wearing masks to fight sexism.
Like, what are they?
They're never happy about anything.
Okay.
I am not a woman.
Yeah.
Oh.
I am because I'm a certain.
Oh, that's all.
Oh, no.
I was going somewhere with that.
I just found out today.
I am not a, yeah, that's your.
I'm Baptist, so I am not a woman.
But I've never experienced this phenomenon, like the people say that men tell women to smile.
Like, I've never seen a man tell a woman to smile.
The only context would be just like, hey, buck up.
You know, it's a good day outside.
I'm sure women do get told it, but like, I don't, I never understood when it became this sexist thing because as a guy, I have very like, you know, straight face.
Like, and growing up teachers and like women to this day, people always tell me to smile.
Like, it's annoying.
I agree with the women that it's annoying, but it's not something that just happens because of it.
I'm mad about having to take my mask off, too.
This is the handmaid's tail we're living in now.
But because there's the concept of resting face, and then you have to believe me, but nobody talks about resting douche face.
Guys have that.
Guys have I've had that where people met me at a convention and they didn't talk to me.
They just saw my resting face or whatever.
And then they type, like, he's kind of a jerk.
It's just my resting face.
Yeah, I'm kind of a jerk too sometimes.
I wonder how many celebrities people say that about.
They just look like that.
Yeah.
And when you're tired.
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
Here's a weird one.
This is strange.
Would you like to read this?
Because since you're trans?
This is a gay Christian Reverend.
Which one am I at?
Here.
This is the one about Paul.
Yeah.
This is Brendan Robertson tweeted this.
Yes.
And what if Paul, the early church's biggest enemy, became a Christian to stop the Jesus movement from expanding?
He took what was primarily a socio-political movement and turned it into a religion that mirrored pagan cults.
James and Peter resisted him and spoke against him.
And then he added, you're not a Christian.
I don't know.
Who is that addressed?
I don't know who that was addressed.
Was he talking to himself?
The theory on that second tweet is that he actually has a troll account of the trolls himself.
That's why I have to change accounts.
So he was trying to call him, he was trying to start a controversy and started going ratio himself.
I forgot to switch accounts.
But his theory is that Paul tried to undermine the church by infiltrating the church and James and Peter were fighting with him.
So James and Peter didn't like Paul?
Yeah.
Is the idea here?
Is that true?
Did they not like him?
Did we not?
No, Peter and Paul had a dispute, but they resolved it.
And then he's just reading into the whole, like, James says works and faith and Paul's take on works and faith.
Okay.
Maybe he's right.
I don't know.
I don't know.
You're not a Christian.
So there's a mom on TikTok who hates her baby because he's a white male.
And she says, hi, my name is Sarah.
This is Little Cutie's My Son.
As you can see, he's a white male.
So here's what I'm doing.
Here are some books I bought him to prevent him from growing up to be awful.
Okay.
And she shows the book C is for Consent that she's going to be reading to him.
She asked the baby.
Is that a children's book?
Yeah.
Will Ladybug Hug?
Which goes on to should you ask people's consent before you hug them?
These children's books sound terrible.
They do sound terrible.
They do.
How do you hug ladybugs?
You just can't kiss chickens.
Change a diaper and stuff because there's a lot of invasive things you have to do with babies.
There's one called Only For Me that's another consent one.
And then A is for awesome.
23 inspirational women.
And then I clean like daddy, which is a boy learning how to clean, just like the women of the house.
Cleaning house, like man.
And then accept when they don't, a book about boys and girls liking any toys they want regardless of their gender.
Wow.
So I'm sure she's the perfect one to teach him not to use it.
Sounds like a lot of fun.
It's going to be a piece of work.
The baby's going to be like, mom, why don't you smile more often?
Lose the attitude.
You have such a pretty smile.
I like the idea that she's in the hospital and they're waiting for the baby and it comes out and they're like, it's a white male.
And she's like, oh.
And then finally, this is the zinger.
Good old David Hogg.
Everybody's favorite.
Former failed pillows.
Former pillow magnate magnate.
Magnate.
Magnate.
And he says, a day will come when no one is shot in the United States.
What could he mean by that?
Like, there's going to be a day where there would be no gun violence.
There's a day coming.
Or is he being more cryptic?
Like, one day we'll all be dead.
He's being more philosophical.
Yeah.
The day will come when...
Yeah, this could be like eschatology.
Or we all live in the Matrix or something.
I mean, because I do agree with him, but not in the way that...
Oh, that's true.
Eventually, yes.
We all agree.
We do agree with David Hoffman.
That is the first time we all agreed with David Hoff.
All right.
So now we're going to have a segment called Adam Jenser.
Sega Adam Yenser.
Segment two, Adam Yenser.
Who is this guy right now?
Yeah.
I don't need to look at my notes for this one.
He's easier.
Do you only follow one person on Twitter?
Yeah, I follow Americana at Brand memes.
Have you guys seen this?
Americana at Brand?
Like on Brand Boulevard?
Yeah.
There's a Twitter account that is dedicated entirely to sharing memes about how the Americana is better than all the other malls in Los Angeles.
That's the only account that I've got.
It's a fun account, huh?
It is fun, yeah.
Okay.
That's it.
I'm here to plug.
I'm here to plug them, apparently.
Plug in that?
Yeah, yeah.
Well, in that screenshot we took, you had a thousand and one followers.
Now you only have a thousand.
Yeah, because I'm up to a thousand.
See, I'm not good at social media.
I might even enjoy it.
Like I, like I said, I post when I'm like performing on there.
I just don't get on Twitter much.
And like as a comedian, like when I tell jokes, people are like, oh, you should post that on Twitter.
And I'm like, I just want to tell it to a crowd.
I don't get like, I don't know, I don't get enjoyment from social media.
But anything is.
But I think some people do.
I know a lot of comedians that build a big following on there.
And it's like a part of me resents it because I just, I don't want to do that.
And there's even comedy clubs that will book like Instagram influencers now and stuff, like just based on that they'll fill seats, but they don't know how to do live stand-up.
Whereas I'm the opposite.
I love going out and doing stand-up.
I'm just not into posting the kind of stuff that'll wind up on this show.
Just stupid tweets that'll come back to bite you later.
So I'm curious.
So you work on the Ellen Show.
I do.
Before that, you worked on Conan?
Conan, yep.
Did you just, you've always been a guy who's outwardly Republican or did you at some point decide to be that way?
I've always been openly conservative.
I've never, I've never hidden it from anyone.
I do feel like it's, you know, politics has always been there, but it's become like just all present now, like in everything.
So I feel like it comes up a lot more often now just because every discussion seems to be political in some way.
But no, I've never hidden it.
I started doing stand-up like 13 years ago.
And from the start, I was, I don't do strictly political comedy, but I always talk about being conservative on stage.
And yeah, everywhere I've worked, I work, you know, in an industry and at shows where most everyone is on the left.
And yeah, I've always, I've always been open about being, being more on the right.
And has it ever been, is it, how's that gone?
It's gone well so far.
I do worry, you know, like cancel culture is a very real problem in Hollywood right now, and it's getting worse and worse.
I wish more people in the industry who are conservative were more open about it because I don't think the fact that people keep it inside, it's like that's what the left wants.
They want you to be scared and ashamed and intimidated from speaking out and saying what you believe when what you believe and when you disagree with kind of the messages that are being pushed now, not just in political circles, but in the news media and in entertainment.
So I wish more people were open about it.
I've found like I have not been like canceled, but like where it's frustrating is, you know, on shows, I like writing jokes that go after both sides.
And so I'll write, you know, jokes that go after both sides.
And it's like, well, all these jokes will stay in and all these jokes won't, you know.
And like, you know, on the shows that I've worked for, I would really like to see them book more balanced guests from both sides and have they often talk about we need to learn to talk to each other and we need unity and we need conversations.
And then, you know, every conversation is with someone who hates Republicans or hates the right or has, you know, latched onto one of these, you know, social media narratives that's been put in the news.
So yeah, I wish it was more balanced.
And I haven't been canceled, but I do think it's led to like, what would I say, like missed opportunities where I've sort of pitched projects and pitched jokes and tried to, you know, book TV stand-up spots with material that works and ideas that would be, you know, embraced if they were on the left.
But some networks are sort of closed off to it in productions.
And then some are just afraid of what the backlash would be.
They'll be like, oh, this is really funny.
But we don't want to take a risk on that on our show or on our network.
So yeah, it's very hard to get any platform outside of like a Fox News or like a network that's strictly right-leaning.
Right.
You know, that has content from that kind of point of view.
Yeah, this was my frustration with conservative comedy.
It always has to, it feels like the only way that they'll do it is if it leans really hard into it and says, we're conservative.
And that's, yeah, that's what's tough for me too, because I've always, what I've sort of prided myself on and I have a lot of fun with is I like doing conservative comedy for liberal audiences.
I like going up on stage in Los Angeles and knowing that most people there disagree.
And I think it's fun and I write my material to kind of play off of that.
And I've had a lot of success with that in comedy clubs and comedy shows, but I don't think there's been anyone that's broken out in that way in the mainstream because, like I said, mainstream networks don't want it.
And then people who sort of brand themselves as the Republican comedian or go for the Republican audience, they're doing very heavy-handed and a lot of times, in my opinion, not particularly funny stuff that just sort of panders to a conservative audience.
And it's like the same problem I have with Stephen Colbert on the left.
Like I think he used to be hilarious.
And then it just became this sort of heavy-handed, you know, like people talk about Claptor.
You know, it's like they just want to make a point that gets their audience to applaud.
And it's not, you know, funny or appealing to everybody anymore.
Any questions, Common?
Would you as a conservative say that you were born this way?
So I was raised Christian.
My parents were, one of them was a Democrat.
One of them was a Republican, but I was not sort of a super political family.
I wasn't really pressured towards one side or the other.
And then I went to Penn State.
And I would say in college is kind of when I, like when I went to college, I think I maybe started to lean slightly left like freshman year.
And I double majored in film and video production to get into screenwriting.
And then also I double majored in philosophy.
And sort of as I sort of studied things and, you know, kind of got more informed and defined my own beliefs, I very quickly like moved to the conservative side.
So I would say I wasn't super political growing up, but since like early college, I've definitely leaned more conservative and haven't wavered from that.
What about like all the Ellen show controversy?
You know, you've been in there for that.
It's been a weird year because of that.
You know, it's one of those things where like I can't comment on like the stuff that happens behind the scenes.
It's been frustrating because I think like some of the, you know, when you read all this stuff about the show, it's like some of the rumors are true and then some of them are exaggerated.
And I like, it is a tough place to work, but I've heard all these rumors for 10 years.
Like when I started working there, these rumors have been around forever.
And, you know, it can be a tough place to work, but I've also enjoyed it for 10 years.
And it feels like the like, like I think, you know, these outlets that started running these stories, they didn't care about any of these rumors until Ellen said that she was friends with George W. Bush.
And then there's this sort of backlash where it was like, you know, they decided to sort of resurface all this stuff and, you know, kind of try to tear the show down.
But like, I don't want to talk about it a lot because I just, you know, I don't think it's entirely fair how the show has been treated, but I have not also been entirely pleased with the way the show has handled it.
So, yeah, there's not a whole lot that I can, you know, say beyond that.
Do you have to fight off hordes of women when you tell them you write for Ellen?
Yeah, but like, you know, middle-aged women.
I wasn't going to say that.
Yeah, exactly.
I was going to let you get killed.
It's a lot of, it's a lot of, yeah, middle-aged women and then gay men in the Philippines.
I get lots of things.
Really?
I was going to ask if any men watch this.
Yeah, I get a lot of big fans that reach out from there.
Yeah.
So you like look you up from the crowd.
Like I get like, you know, messages on like Twitter and Facebook and stuff like that.
Yeah.
So you have to write jokes for women.
What's that like?
Well, you know, I have to write in Ellen's voice.
And our audience is definitely like a mix of men and women.
What's hard is writing for like a daytime audience because like I was raised on like late night comedy and that's kind of what I developed my own comedic sensibilities around.
So it's like adjusting it for daytime.
Like it still has to be funny, but you can't do stuff that's like mean or too overtly political.
Or like I just like sort of like bizarre and like absurdist humor, you know, like Conan would do.
And that stuff doesn't always play as well in like daytime.
So what's that look like?
Are you like in a writer's room?
Yeah, there's eight writers on the show.
At our show, we work on a lot of late night shows divide it between monologue and sketch writers.
At our show, we all work on both monologues and sketches and comedy bits.
But yeah, I love the writer's room there.
We have a great group of writers.
Cool.
Pies in the face.
Yeah, a lot of pies in the face.
People jumping out a bit.
A lot of scares.
Rubber chickens.
Yeah.
Like, how many scare sketches have you written?
Oh, I don't know how many scares I've written.
I don't write a lot of the scare segments.
I'm sure they've happened in some of my bits before.
Like the one I do the most that I'm known for is I do a bit called Kevin the Cashier played by Adam.
And I sort of work in different stores and places and we set up hidden cameras and I just act like a terrible, a terrible employee and mess with customers and stuff.
So those are fun.
All hidden camera fun.
Yeah.
Cool.
All right, well, we'll talk a little more in the subscriber portion.
Yeah.
He'll tell us what he really thinks.
Yeah, what he really thinks.
Tell us all the real dirt.
Yeah, I'll tell it.
Yeah.
All right.
So we got some love mail, kind of.
Love mail.
Love mail, baby.
This is really just a tweet.
But this actually was in March.
But I had never noticed this.
Matt Taibbi, who's a pretty well-known journalist guy, author, he said, The Babylon B is marketed as something from one of my childhood nightmares.
Your trusted source of Christian news sex.
This is love mail, we promise.
Yeah, it's a good setup.
And the fact that it's now exponentially more likely to be funny than Stephen Colbert feels like a sign of the end times.
And every reply to that tweet was complete anger at him for saying the Babylon B is funny.
Complete outrage.
Did he ever apologize?
I didn't know.
He never walked it back.
He replied and said, here's one, an example of one I think is funny.
And he did the LeBron and lace, like all the LeBron wearing the NBA players doing the RBG.
Yeah.
Because he said what made it even funnier was New York Times' response.
Check out what it was.
Oh, they were saying that that was an example of how we're blurring the lines.
Like we're trying to spread misinformation.
Because a lot of people believed it was real.
Yeah.
They think your articles are real?
Yeah.
That's why you get it.
We had this one specifically where it says NBA players in honor of RBG wear little lace doily collars and it shows badly photoshopped on like little lace doily collars on like LeBron and stuff.
And there's a ton of liberals that like share like, this is so inspiring.
I'm so happy to see the NBA do this.
I'm pretty sure it was Photoshopped in MS Paint too.
It was very bad.
Oh, well, Kyle, your shirt just suddenly changed.
Crazy, yeah.
Yeah, I'm going to a Padres game after this.
Oh, cool.
Is that a sport?
Yeah, it is a sport.
Yeah, they play the stick ball.
Okay, with the stick and the ball.
It's like cricket with red threads in the wall.
That's the one.
That's the one.
Okay.
But the problem is, all the good seats are in the vaccinated section.
So, but I don't want to get vaccinated because I don't want to grow a third arm.
So I'm going to wear my identify as vaccinated t-shirt.
Guaranteed to work in any situation.
Guaranteed.
100% on your money back.
What I love about this shirt is that we work very hard on our jokes at Babylon Bee and our one joke.
And this is our one joke.
And it's been honed down.
This is the final form.
The final form.
Have you monetized it before?
Is this your first merchandise?
This is our first merch.
And we spend a lot of time trying to come up with a good merch.
And then our CEO was like, hey, you should just do a shirt that says identify as vaccinated.
We did it.
And it's like, it just sold like crazy.
Nice.
We made all of our money for this month just on this shirt.
Yeah.
So they're still available.
Shop.babylonbee.com.
Check it out.
It's already being pirated by other companies.
This logo has been stolen and sold all over the place.
But by the official one, you can go anywhere you need to go.
We have one's for men, one's for women, one's gender.
Coffee mugs, everything.
Hats, everything you need.
Fans.
If you're a premium Babylon B subscriber, you have a discount too.
Sorry.
Dang it, Ethan.
If you're a premium Babylon B subscriber, you have a discount in your email that you can use.
Discount code.
Discount code.
So, you know.
Don't discount that.
Anyway.
Okay.
I've always been jealous of comedians that have like merch with, like, they have a signature joke, and then they're like, oh, after the show, I'll be selling like t-shirts.
Because I don't have any signature joke.
And I've always joked, I want to print my entire set word for word on a t-shirt and just sell it out.
Just extra word of it.
Yeah.
And it like makes up your face or something.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
Should we make Adam read hate mail?
We should.
I really miss Adam Ford.
Are you good at acting?
No.
Did you take any?
No, not at all.
I suck at acting.
People, am I allowed to say sucker?
Is that a word that you guys never know?
I was just sucked growing up, even.
Oh, man.
I did a show for Dry Bar Comedy this weekend, and they're like really strict about cleaning and stuff like that.
So I'm like, can't even say sucked?
I don't know if you can say it or not, but they're very strict.
So I've been very aware of anytime I say anything like that.
Yeah, we're not as holding.
Do your best dramatic reading.
I'm not good at acting.
People always ask me when I do the Kevin the Cashier bits.
They're like, oh, but you're acting that.
I'm like, no, that's just me being a jerk.
Like, that's very close to who I really am.
I'm not playing.
Larry David on curb.
He's just.
All right.
Where is the hate mail?
Okay.
Do I say who it's from?
You could say his name.
Yeah.
All right.
This is from RJ Kennedy.
The message, the reason says complain.
So we had sent out an email and it was like sponsored by Rand Paul and it said something like, life begins at conception.
So is it sponsored as it does?
Yeah.
Right.
And then the message is the Rand Paul petition.
Are you flowerbed?
What are you doing?
Life begins at conception.
How dare you?
You're simply letting this onto your site simply to make money.
Flowerbed, donkey, turnip.
And I was just worried about saying sucks.
It escalated quickly.
It did.
Got all the words.
And those are all caps towards the end.
Yeah.
I always love when you can see the progression of anger in the message.
That's my favorite.
They're about to hit sand.
And you can tell that they're trying to start off like making an intellectual argument.
And then they just get angry and it just devolves into.
They were about to hit send after they said letting this under your site simply to make money.
Yeah.
How dare you?
But you did make that I identify as a vaccinated shirt just to make money.
This is true.
So what does this person think that like sponsors?
How do you think we make money?
Yeah.
Everything most people do is to make a funny video.
Did they think that we weren't at all right-leaning?
Yeah, that's the funny thing.
Like they subscribe to the Babylon Bee newsletter.
They're following us.
We sold out our pro-choice morals to let this person buy an email.
Totally sold out for the babies.
Sad.
The only joke I had to cut this weekend in Dry Bar was, I don't know if you guys are going to have to cut this joke to find out.
I do a section about, you know, I talk about being conservative.
I do a section about being pro-life.
And one of the jokes I have is it's weird to me that feminists are so pro-abortion.
Normally they hate vacuuming.
I'd say it's a keeper.
Keep it in, boys.
That's glorious.
I'm mad that I didn't think of.
My head is currently turning that onto a Babylon Bee headline.
Just to steal it.
He's going to coach it.
All right, we're going to go to our subscriber lounge, and Adam's going to tell us what he really thinks about colour.
Yep.
Crack them open.
But not really, Ellen.
If you're watching this.
You know, she's a big beast.
We love you.
Give me a car.
Or whatever it's going to be.
Her and WR City.
She gives out cars, right, or something?
Yeah.
She has before.
Oprah gave out the most cars.
We give out cars to like one person in the audience, not the whole audience.
Whole audience.
Just one.
Okay.
Yeah.
Have you ever gotten a car from her?
No.
That's weird.
She just gives it to a random person, but not the guy that's been working for 10 years.
Jeez, I'll bring that up.
Hey, wait a second.
What do you think you're trying to pull?
All right, subscriber lounge.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Break.
Coming up next for Babylon Bee subscribers.
And they sent us the image with a bunch of our identifies as jokes.
Yeah, so I noticed a person that I think was a trans person put a compilation image of all of our jokes.
Well, not all of them.
They missed some of the good ones.
If you're really going to take this cultural Christian idea to its end, then you have to be able to laugh about it.
And I like what you said because I think that's important that you go after everyone.
Phil, got any cool stories?
You got any cool stories?
Any cool stories?
Just opening it up?
You haven't figured out I'm a Republican, but it's too late to hate me.
You laughed at some of the jokes.
Wondering what they'll say next?
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Kyle and Ethan would like to thank Seth Dylan for paying the bills, Adam Ford for creating their job, the other writers for tirelessly pitching headlines, the subscribers, and you, the listener.