Using The Internet To Make a Christian Movie And Bears Like Techno
Kyle and Ethan from The Babylon Bee talk about bears crashing a techno jam, spinach is now sending e-mails, and how to generate a Christian movie using the internet. There's weird news, stuff that's good, and glorious hate mail. Introduction Welcome to the newly revamped Bee Weekly. But first, A clarification on Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez article. Subscriber Dare Weird News A mob of left-wing radicals armed with hatchets and knives took over a Washington hotel on Sunday -- wait, the corporate media didn't tell you??-in-wa-on-sunday-the-media-told-you-all-about-it-right Bear interrupts DJ's online techno jam Hitler's toilet seat is going up for auction This tech company returned to their office after lockdown to discover the building was now under the control of 20,000 bees! Elon Musk's Brain Company Hopes To Make a Cyborg Monkey Play 'Mind Pong' Texas accidentally issues Amber Alert for cursed doll Chucky Scientists Have Taught Spinach To Send Emails STUFF THAT'S GOOD Ethan has stuff that's good: Inferno City Firehouse Topic of The Week Can the internet make a better Christian movie than what is already out there? We generated a Christian movie using the internet. Hate Mail Lynn says that The Babylon Bee is the laughing stock of all the Republicans in her great area. Subscriber Portion Can the internet make a better Christian romance film? Mailbag Rush liked our interview with James White and is praying for Ethan. Subscriber Headlines of the Week Got Any Cool Stories?
In a world of fake news, we bring you up-to-the-minute factual inaccuracy and a heavy dose of moral truth.
With your hosts, Kyle Mann and Ethan Nicole.
This is the Babylon Bee.
Fake news you can trust.
Hello, everybody.
Thank you for tuning in to the Babylon Bee podcast this week.
I'm Kyle Mann.
I'm Ethan Nicole.
Usually we like this podcast to be a time of humor and frivolity and jovialness and joviality as well.
And this week, we cannot do that for you.
We have clarifications to make.
We need to issue an apology and a clarification.
Humor is hard because you try to make a joke and communicate an idea, get a point across.
You're trying to make, you know, there's a layer above and a layer below, and you're trying to get that layer below to be seen through the layer above.
And sometimes that doesn't always work out.
There's a line.
Right.
And we're trying to approach the line without falling over.
And once in a while, we fall on our faces.
Stumble over it like a clown at a clown college practicing.
In this case, the joke that we told at the Babylon Bee was it's a joke that we're proud of still, but we feel that we didn't make it clear enough for what the joke was.
And so it made a lot of people upset.
And so let's throw up that joke, Dan, so we can be clear what we're talking about.
AOC strangles herself with her shoelaces because she is so stupid.
In parentheses.
In parentheses.
Now, this is a joke with many layers, like an onion.
Not the onion.
Right.
But like an onion.
Is it a vegetable?
I don't know what an onion is.
Is it a legume?
Oh, man.
No, it's not.
It's like a nut or something.
It's a nut.
A bulb.
The onion is a nut.
An orb.
And a root.
I think we'll put up on the screen here, if you're watching on video, we'll put up some of the complaints that we received over this article.
There was people from The Onion.
There's people all over Twitter that were just very unhappy.
Lots of blue checks.
Both sides of the aisle.
Both sides of the aisle.
A writer for Jimmy Fallon or Jimmy Kimmel, I forget.
One of those, Jimmies.
Who describes himself as the second smartest person in the world, unironically, was upset at this.
There's also an NBC News reporter with hundreds of thousands of followers who tweeted it out about how upset he was about this joke.
So this joke has so many layers that we really need to break it down.
Right.
And I think people didn't get what we were trying to do with this.
So the joke is that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is trying, this is the premise.
So jokes usually have a premise and a punchline.
The premise here is that she's trying to tie her shoes.
Right.
She's pulling the laces up.
She's trying to do a thing that you think about it.
Tying shoes is complicated.
It's amazing to me.
We've had all these technological advancements.
We still do this old-fashioned shoe tying where you have to teach.
Go around the tree.
The rabbit goes down the hole.
Still learning not tying.
Yeah.
And at some point, you know, day and age.
You get old and you just start buying the $13 Walmart Velcro shoes.
When are we going to get like Bluetooth shoes?
You just go, Siri, tie my shoes.
Yeah.
But that was not the case with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez in the context of this joke.
She still had the old-fashioned shoe and she was tying it and she accidentally, in the joke, this didn't really happen.
But in the joke, she accidentally ties up her, somehow gets it around her neck and starts to choke.
Yeah.
Asphyxiation.
Yeah, asphyxiation, right?
Suffocation, no breathing.
give him in any event Then in the joke, a police officer is walking by and helps her and takes the...
Yeah.
And then, so we originally had this headline written as AOC accidentally strangles herself with her shoelaces.
It's subtle.
It's subtle, but sometimes you can go too subtle on the humor.
So we needed to make sure that we spelled it out clearly.
This is what all comedians have to do when they write jokes is make sure it's clear and decide how subtle do you want to be versus actually spelling out the joke.
And it depends on, you know, the intelligence of your audience, how subtle you want to be.
So then we added, during the punch-up process, we added in the headline, because she's so stupid.
Right.
For clarity.
For clarity.
Part of it is just the believability.
When you read it, it sounds like real police talking.
We walk that line between reality and people can't tell if it's a joke.
Like the cop here says, we were barely able to save her in time from being so stupid.
Said a police officer at the scene.
And then he went on to say, but maybe we shouldn't have saved her because she's a socialist trying to ruin the country and she is dumb.
And then I believe in the joke, she walks away because now she's no longer choking because she's stupid.
And then she walks into a tree.
Yeah, because she's a dumb socialist.
Yeah.
What an idiot.
What an idiot.
So just to be clear, the joke, you know, some people thought, oh, this is meta-satire.
They're making fun of themselves.
They're making fun of like conservatives that are trying to do humor about AOC.
We would never do that.
We are, I mean, we are die-hard.
I mean, we are one-sided.
We would never make fun of our own party because we have to win politically.
That's all we care about.
Or the world is doomed.
Yeah.
The world is doomed.
And we extremely hate Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez with every fiber of our being and also kind of have a crush.
I don't even sleep.
I lay at night staring at the ceiling with an image of her in my mind seething with red and then also really attracted to her.
Yeah.
I put a poster of her on my wall to remind myself about how much I hate her.
I throw darts at it and then I make out with it.
After you remove the darts.
You know, that's the problem.
That hurts a lot.
So anyway, we just want to be clear and we hope that this clarification has solved any issues that you people have had with this article.
You people.
And we hope that we can do better going forward.
We will do better.
We will do better.
We'll commit to doing better.
Okay, now that that apology/slash clarification has been taken care of, and you all know that we actually tell really good jokes like that AOC is stupid, we're going to move on to the rest of our show.
So we're actually changing up our show format a little bit.
If you guys have been tuning in for a while, I don't know.
You actually don't tune in to things anymore.
Like there's a frequency you have to.
Anyway, if you've been listening to the show for a while, we are not doing stories of the week any longer.
Those are going to be broken out into smaller videos called Babylon Bee News Desk, which you may have seen on social media.
And those are a little more satirical.
Right.
Yeah, we're going to move the current news stories to a spot where they can be released faster and a little different tone.
So this show will be loosened up a little bit and we can do different segments.
It won't be as structured as it's been.
We were thinking sort of like Rhett and Link, but if they were Christians.
Yeah.
So if you like Rhett and Link, but you wanted them to be Christians, you can listen to our podcast.
And not as attractive.
And then when we're like on the cusp of getting really popular, we will abandon our faith and then get really popular.
Yeah.
And then we'll get it back.
They don't do that, but we could flip it.
We keep flip-flopping every time we start to lose.
We could take turns.
Oh, that's true.
I could lose my faith, and then you could try to convert me.
And then I'll lose mine.
Yeah.
I like it.
We'll do that.
Anyway, this episode, we're going to do weird news.
Ethan and I found a movie script generator on the internet, and we generated a Christian movie, and we're going to read it.
We're going to act it out for you.
Because one struggle in the Christian movie industry is writing good scripts, and I'm wondering if this generator can actually write a better script than what's out there.
Yeah, I do kind of wonder in the Christian movie industry if there are a lot of good scripts.
I think there's some good screenwriters out there.
But yeah, they don't want to make those.
But they sell the script.
Or they get just like completely destroyed and ruined.
And then we're going to do everybody's favorite thing: hate mail.
We're also going to do stuff that's good as usual.
We're going to wean you guys into this new format because you're like, where's stuff that's good?
I don't know what to consume this week.
And then we're going to do a subscriber dare because people keep telling us to do stuff so they'll subscribe.
And everybody that we've done it for has actually subscribed.
Yeah, we check.
We check.
I'm getting my five bucks a month.
Dang it.
We are that pet.
Dang it.
Dang good.
Dang it.
And here we go.
All right, everybody, welcome to Subscriber Dare.
This is where, well, I guess these aren't subscriber dares.
They're almost subscriber dares.
Yeah, what is this?
We need a good title for this.
We'll come up with a good time.
Subscriber.
I don't know.
Kyle and Ethan pimp themselves out.
Shameless.
Dancing.
We'll call this segment Dance, Monkey, Dance.
There you go.
So Kelly Carr emailed us, and I assume that's a girl.
And she said, I could be a boy.
Or an automobile.
I know a Kelly.
That's a guy.
My finger is hovering over the subscribe button, but I need something to slam my finger down on.
I can only think of three options of your choice.
Number one, Kyle could break a world record.
Number two, a men's health magazine-style cover that Ethan keeps hitting at.
And number three, a mention of my band on the podcast.
So what are we going to do, Ethan, to get this subscribe?
How are we going to get Kelly to subscribe?
We should try to do all three to guarantee.
Okay, so we were talking about me breaking a world record.
I think we'll need to wait until we actually get this set up.
But we were looking up some of the world records, and I think there's some I can do.
So we'll do a special where I can.
Key is doing where like you yell the word.
Walrus Hoagie, the loudest ever yelled.
Yeah.
Or like the most number of times in a certain amount of time.
Let's time it.
Let's see how many times I can yell Walrus Hoagie in 10 seconds.
Here we go.
Three, two.
Tell me when time's up.
Two.
What?
walrus hoagie how many times did I get I had Yeah, I was watching the clock and then I was like, wait, am I counting how many times?
It was going up to the yeah, I know that's all right.
We'll put it out this time.
It's definitely the most that anybody's gonna get.
And it was the most.
Almost guaranteed.
So I think that I did I just win mostly.
Did I just win the Guinness?
Yeah, you did it.
Guinness record.
Okay, number two.
Number two, so we do have a Photoshop of Ethan.
Yeah, so somebody sent a guy named Connor sent this in of me on a men's health cover.
That's not my real body.
My arms are much thinner than that.
I look more like a snowman.
And then that's more of a beer drinking fat guy because his stomach sticks out.
Mine just hangs down and I trip on it.
You trip on it?
Yeah, it sags.
It's a little saggy.
His is like balloon.
Yeah, it's going that way.
That's more of a classic beer.
Mine goes down.
Gotcha.
Yeah.
All right.
Just in case those don't suffice.
Kelly.
Kelly's band is called Pilot Drift.
And that's one word.
Pilot Drift, which is two words, but it's one word.
What's that a reference?
Is that a reference to if you're flying an airplane and you drift ghost riding the whip in the air?
And you get out of it, get out of the plane, go around and go back in.
I don't know what pilot drift means.
I would like to see a pilot ghost ride the whip.
That would be interesting.
And Pilot Drift is streaming everywhere.
So you can check out Pilot Drift.
I don't know if they're any good.
Here it is, everybody.
A small clip.
Here we go.
From Pilot Drift.
It's like moody, like Synth.
Oh, Synthy.
Oh, like a coral thing coming up.
I'm going to start screaming.
One guy has goggles.
Oh, is it a music video?
No, I gotta see.
Spotify.
Oh, I see.
Oh, it's very hipster.
Yeah.
All right.
Took too long to start.
Everybody, check out Pilot Drift.
Check them out.
Check it out.
And we'll be watching for our subscription.
All right.
News of the week.
Weird news of the week.
This news is weird.
A mob of left-wing radicals armed with hatchets and knives took over a Washington hotel on Sunday.
But nobody said anything.
No media ever reported.
Yeah, this isn't in the media at all.
You'd think that that would be something.
That's a big deal.
So this is a story that's on our sister site, not to be.
A literal mob of dozens of Antifa neckbeards armed with hatchets, knives, and batons stormed the Red Lion Hotel.
That bastion of corporate capitalist 1%ers.
Yeah, I mean, if you're going to be Antifa and storm something, storm Trump Tower.
The Hilton.
Yeah.
Where there is a caviar.
They show up at the hill.
The Red Lion.
They show up at the holiday inn.
Yeah.
It's like who runs this.
It's probably like a poor Filipino franchise or something.
They took it over with weapons, and they said they wanted to give a hotel to homeless people.
Yeah, it's that their stated reason was ostensibly to give the hotel to homeless people because housing is a human right and so is communism.
I think they picked it because the red lion is a good idea of what society could look like under communism.
Like the red line.
A lot of red stuff.
Red stuff, sure.
The coffee's very watered down.
Not a lot of options and everything.
It's just kind of what's there.
It's what you get.
Breakfast is like three half-eaten mini muffins.
There's a stale smell.
They're stale, yeah.
Yeah, just the general staleness about everything.
Yeah.
The housing is kind of what you would expect government housing.
The housekeeping is questionable.
Yeah.
The sheets are probably not clean.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So that's a communist paradise.
Do you think they figured out how to like unlock each room with the key card?
Because don't you have to like assign key cards?
And how are they going to give this to the homeless?
Maybe they held a hatchet to the Filipino lady's head and they're like, unlock the rooms, woman.
Yeah.
I don't know.
And did they create a hierarchy of like who gets what the master suite based on like income level or racial?
This feels like a George Orwell novel.
Like we could write a great movie.
This would be a great script.
Christian filmmakers write the script.
Write it.
Bear interrupts DJ's online techno jam.
So there's a video of this.
He's a realtor and he's out.
He's doing a DJ show on the internet, which if you don't know what that is, he's on the internet and he's like got his records.
DJs are the most boring musician to watch.
Because all of them are boring to watch.
I mean, they're not doing anything.
Guitar player is just doing this.
Yeah, but if you're in a guitar, you can do it.
But they do stuff.
If you're in a guitar, it's interesting.
Good stuff.
But DJ is the worst because they're just like, they're just dancing every once in a while.
They go, flip that.
Push that button.
Flip that.
Adjust my headphones.
And they add stuff that you know they don't need to do that.
But anyway, he's doing all that.
They got the record thing.
He wasn't doing it.
He's just kind of going like that and whatever.
But behind him in the screen door, a bear is just like looking in.
And then the bear like stands up fully.
I'm sure we can put it up, but what makes it part of what makes it funny is how calm he is about it.
He just kind of walks up to the door.
He points at the bear and then he just shuts the door.
I guess it's normal or something.
But I I sympathize with the bear in this situation because I would want to go maul a DJ too.
He says, I thought it was maybe my neighbor coming to tell me my music was too loud.
I kind of walked halfway over and said, oh, there's a bear there.
Which is about how chill you'd expect a DJ to be.
Yeah.
There's a bear in their house.
Oh.
Oh, what's that bear?
Calls in the bouncer.
So Hitler's toilet seat is going up for auction.
Yeah.
We've all heard the garbage that comes out of Adolf Hitler's mouth, but at least one individual will be able to experience what came out of the Fuhrer's other end.
I did not approve this.
This line.
This is from Not the Bee.
That's actual Not the Bee content.
I didn't approve it.
U.S. Soldier Sergeant Ragnald Bork.
Bork?
Is that a Star Wars character?
Sounds like it.
First took the seat from Hitler's private bathroom at the Berkhoff, his estate at the Bavarian Alps.
Oh, sorry.
No, go to Utah.
He was told to grab anything he wanted from the estate, and for some reason, he thought the toilet seat was a great idea.
When another soldier asked him, why in the heck is he carrying around his toilet seat?
He reportedly said, where do you think Hitler put his ass?
The sergeant's family is selling the seat at auction in Chesapeake City, Maryland, and expected to sell for at least $10,000.
What's the market?
Are we talking like white supremacists buying this thing?
Hey, who buys that?
The Proud Boys.
Because it's not like a Hitler-owned.
It's not like the bullet that killed him or something.
Yeah.
I could see that.
It's a weird support.
Like, where do you hang this?
But it is a piece of history.
Yeah.
It is weird to think that's where Hitler did a lot of contemplating.
Thinking.
He probably wrote Mein Komp on there a lot of.
This tech company returned to their office after COVID lockdown to discover the building had been taken over by 20,000 bees.
Oh, no.
This is wild in the picture.
There's just giant honeycombs in their office.
The bees have just taken over.
Invoca, a Santa Barbara-based AI software company.
They just walked in.
There's always bees.
They had them relocated, so they didn't kill them.
Did I ever tell the story when I showed up to church on Sunday and there was bees?
I feel like I might have told it before, but when I was co-pastor of the church in San Diego, I walk in and there's like, I see like something drop.
And I look up and there's just like they built this hive because it was a huge like church building.
They had built it up in the rafters somewhere.
It was a sign.
And look down and there's like thousands of dead bees on the ground.
Why are they dying?
I don't know.
Because of Satan.
They're of Satan.
Yeah, they were satanic bees as soon as they entered.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And they're just flying everywhere.
So like I'm frantically trying to vacuum up bees in the sanctuary before visitors show up.
Oh, yeah.
Church members show up.
Were people getting stung during service?
There were still a few flying around.
I don't think anybody got stung.
But yeah.
Elon Musk's brain company hopes to make a cyborg monkey play mind pong.
Oh, geez.
Cyborg monkey.
So remember when that was like a crazy idea in the future?
Yeah.
So now there's cyborg monkeys in the middle.
No, that's the thing.
It's Neuralink, one of his companies, and it says it has a monkey with a wireless implant in their skull with tiny wires.
Yeah, these wires are tinier than human hair.
And so the coin-sized implant has over 3,000 electrodes.
It's crazy science.
Elon's greatest ambition with the project, however, seems to be to get the monkeys to play wireless video games with each other because why not?
And this is a quote from him.
One of the things we're trying to figure out is whether we can have the monkeys playing mind pong with each other.
That would be pretty cool.
It's a great Elon Musk.
Yeah, it is funny that he has this amazing mind and he creates all this stuff.
And for what?
He's just like, why?
Like, why are you doing this?
And he just does it because do monkeys even understand Pong?
They probably could understand Pong.
It's a pretty simple.
They would probably have to like every time the ball, every time you miss the ball and it goes in your gold, like shock them or something.
And they do hit the ball and get a little piece of banana.
Yeah, like a little banana candy comes out.
Texas accidentally issues Amber Alert for cursed doll Chucky.
This is a good one.
So, yeah, so they issued this Amber Alert.
We got to throw up that graphic.
Yeah.
It's hilarious.
They're like, hey, everybody, Chucky's missing.
Is he listed as the bad guy or the kidnapper or the kidnapped?
I think it's the kid.
Oh, no, no, no.
It's the suspect.
It just describes the suspect Chucky as wearing blue denim overalls with multicolored striped long-sleeved shirt and says he was last seen wielding a huge kitchen knife.
He was suspected of abducting Glenn Ray, the cursed doll's son, from the film Seed of Chucky.
The alert included photos of both movie characters.
As soon as I saw the headline, I knew exactly what had happened.
Whoever programmed this thing had just filled her up.
They'd watched Chucky the night before or whatever.
And they're like, I don't know, Chucky.
And this is a practice test thing.
The system test, yeah.
And then he's never meant to be seen by the public.
And there's a big button that says send Amber Alert.
And he's like, sets his cocky.
Boom.
In other news, scientists have taught spinach to send emails.
Oh, good.
Plant human communication is here.
It's wonderfully weird.
Is this such a buzz feed head?
So this is how the world is going to end.
Cyborg Monkeys and Spinach versus Cyborg Monkey, the Great War between the two.
Elon Musk wasn't involved here because the spinach isn't playing Pong.
I don't know what the spinach would email about.
This Nigerian spinach.
He goes, Hi, I am Nigerian spinach, and I am actually king of Nigeria, but I need $500.
An evil hag turned me into a bundle of spinach.
I used to be a human.
I'm the rightful king of Nigeria.
All right.
Stuff that's good.
Stuff that's good.
But now, this week's edition of stuff that's good.
All right.
Well, I found this.
This independent comic came out of the Kickstarter.
I supported it a while back, and I've always thought this is a good thing to promote.
It's a comic called Inferno City Firehouse.
And these guys actually took real stories from firefighters in Detroit and made comics of their stories.
And they're not like, they're very gritty and real.
It's not just like it is that they're heroes, but also the stress that they deal with and the kind of behind the scenes of their lives.
But also the arts is really amazing.
It's this cool penciled black and white style, heavily detailed, and it's well written.
And it's cool because it supports firefighters, the money generated by it.
They give a portion back to firefighters who struggle with some of the PTSD kind of stuff they go through from the job.
And so I wanted to give them a shout out.
We'll get some cool artwork up for you guys to see.
So it's on Kickstarter now?
It's off of Kickstarter.
You can still get the book.
Yeah.
So check out Inferno City Firehouse.
We prefer the term graphic novel, man.
Graphic novel.
I guess it's a.
I'm not sure if it's considered graphic novel or not because the one I got is shorter.
It's not like a full 100-pager, but I can't remember.
I don't know what they got out now.
Graphic novella.
It is graphic and novel-ish.
Yeah, sure.
Okay.
Well, I usually like to draw attention with my stuff that's good to little indie things that you might not have heard of.
Right.
So there's this little franchise called Star Wars.
And then they took the Star Wars thing, and they usually don't release very much merchandise off of it.
They've been very protective of the brand.
They don't want to put their name.
Yeah, they don't want to exploit it.
Right.
They don't want to put the Star Wars name on just anything.
Just anything.
Right.
Like a coffee mug or a t-shirt or anything like that.
Yeah.
So it's very rare to find merchandise.
So there's other little company named Lego that does a Danish company, I think.
Yeah, I think so.
And they do little building blocks for kids.
Swedish?
Swedish.
Yeah, sure.
Maybe.
It's not Swedish.
And they made Star Wars Legos.
And again, Lego is also very protective where they don't want to put, they don't want to do a lot of branded Norwegian.
Sure.
Yeah, no.
I think it is Danish.
I think you were right the first time.
Swiss?
Fact check.
You might not get very many results.
You might not get very many results because it is a very small indie company.
So anyway, I built this.
What?
I said, give me a minute.
Yeah, we need a faster Googler.
So this is a little thing called the Millennium Falcon that I recently received for my birthday from my lovely wife.
And I built, and it's so freaking cool.
And I was very proud of it.
So I thought I would say that this thing is cool.
What camera should I?
Oh, there.
Okay, look at that.
Denmark.
Denmark.
Where's Denmark?
It's in Holland.
Danish.
It's Denmark.
Yeah, it's in Europe.
Danish is Denmark.
They don't say Denmark-ish.
They say Danish.
Did it north of Germany?
You don't know about Denmark?
Kyle's never heard of it.
How do you get to do stuff that's good?
And it just, you just get to say it.
And then I do this stuff that's good.
We started talking about European countries.
So anyway, this thing completely opens up.
So you built this whole thing.
I did.
Piece by piece.
Look at this.
And it's not even a thing that you built.
Like it was your idea.
Like they sent you instructions and you just built it.
Yeah.
Per to the specification.
The exact.
Yeah.
This is really cool.
They have like the dish network.
Hey, Ethan, don't freaking touch.
Do you know how long?
Look.
How long did it take?
This took me a good four or five hours.
That's pretty good.
That would take me like a month.
What they got going on?
No.
I just want to see them.
No, no.
You don't get to touch it.
They're aliens.
You don't get to touch it.
They're little spacemen.
Yeah.
It's got Finn and Leo.
That's Finn.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And R2D2, C-3D.
I don't remember this guy's name.
Why do robots need to sit down?
They don't need to sit down.
It's true.
Their legs don't get tired.
Can we talk about this?
They don't even need faces, really.
Yeah.
But cool.
He has chairs.
Lando and Chewbacca here.
What detail?
It says every detail.
I want to see the back.
What's going on back here?
Look at that.
No, don't.
Oh, wow.
This is the alien bunking area, sleeping area where the alien sleeps.
Hornhead with his scepter of sleep.
I don't remember what his name is.
And then back here is the hot dog room, which that's not actually a in on Earth.
That's a food, but in Star Wars, that's the Emperor of Dogaloxakukia.
That was from a different set.
My son really wanted to put the hot dog in the falcon.
And then on Earth, Hot Dog is made of all sorts of stuff like tires and raccoons and immigrants.
But on Star Wars, hot dogs are made from aliens and robots.
All right, I'm moving this away from you now.
What?
How much did that thing cost?
$800.
Wait, wait, wait.
No.
Did you see?
No, no, no.
$800?
This is not the $800 one.
There's a deluxe one that's like 10,000 pieces, $800.
This is like $150.
This is the Rise of Skywarrior.
You're like, wait, how much are you getting paid here?
Well, cool.
Cool, Kyle.
I was so impressed by that.
I love that.
Let's just move on.
This has been stuff that's good.
And now, the Babylon Bees Tommy of the Week.
Christian movies.
They're amazing.
But actually, they're not.
They're terrible.
But they always have a lot of heart.
They're trying.
Sure, sure.
I watched a great one last night.
We were looking at some.
There's those Mark IV productions, Christian films.
I watched the one about the bear.
Oh, did you?
Called A Stranger in My Forest.
And there's all these bizarre subplots that have nothing to do with each other.
Because this one guy in there is like, he's the troubled guy that you know needs Jesus.
Well, one of like three.
There's like a few people that need Jesus in the story.
And there's this bizarre thing that comes out of nowhere.
It has nothing to do with anything else going on in the movie.
He's walking around paranoid the whole time.
And he's like, well, I was living fast and loose as a kid and I didn't think I ever wanted to live a day past 35.
So I hired Hitmen to kill me when I turned 35.
And now that I'm 35, I want to live because I'm in love with you and I want to.
And he's like, I can't.
Yeah.
And they're all.
He previously had hired Hitmen.
He hired Hitman because he's in the 1035, you're going to kill me.
Yeah.
So now he's walking around like, that could be the guy.
And like, he'll look at a guy and a guy will be like cleaning his gun or like, that could be him.
So he'll run off.
And like, that literally is not anywhere in the main plot of the movie.
That's just like a some plot.
We need to.
We'll review that later.
We need to do like riffs on this.
We need to review these and do like a breakdown.
Babylon Bee subscribers, look out for multiple streams of these amazing movies.
So we're going to make a movie right now.
A screenplay is going to be generated.
We found a website.
Yeah, this is plot generator, plot-generator.org.uk.
Okay, so you're going to enter it in right there?
Yeah.
Beep, boop, beep.
You're the guy.
So I entered in a bunch of variables like different Christian actors, some terms, whatever.
Can you tell us what they were?
We're going to just surprise everybody.
Be surprised.
Okay.
Okay, here we go.
This is a movie called Evil Satan, and it's a screenplay by Bob.
Bob.
And it begins, picture this in your mind's eye.
Interior, TBN headquarters, afternoon.
Kind Chick-fil-A drive-through employee, Mr. Kirk Cameron, is arguing with his strong wife, Mrs. Chelsea Cameron.
Kirk tries to hug Chelsea, but she shakes him off.
Please, Chelsea, don't leave me.
I'm sorry, Kirk, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave.
Somebody who faces his fears head on instead of running away.
I am such a person.
Chelsea frowns.
I'm sorry, Kirk.
I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
Chelsea leaves.
Kirk sits down looking defeated.
Moments later, nice Hercules, Mr. Kevin Sorbo, barges in looking flustered.
Goodness, Kevin, is everything okay?
I'm afraid not.
Well, what is it?
Don't keep me in suspense.
Oh, I'm Kevin.
Okay.
Yeah, you're Kevin.
It's Satan.
I saw an evil Satan brainwash a bunch of youth group kids.
Defenseless youth group kids?
Yes, defenseless youth group kids.
Blooming heck, Kevin.
We got to do something.
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
Well, you can start by telling me where this happened.
I was.
Kevin fans himself and begins to wheeze.
Focus, Kevin.
Focus.
Where did it happen?
Ark encounter.
That's right.
It was at the Ark Encounter.
Kirk springs up and begins to run.
Music.
Exterior, a road.
Kirk rushes along the street, followed by Kevin.
They take a shortcut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
Exterior, Ark encounters shortly after.
Richard Dawkins, an evil Satan, terrorizes two youth group kids.
Kirk, closely followed by Kevin, rushes towards Richard but suddenly stops in his tracks.
What is this?
Oh, wait, what is is?
What?
What is it?
AI typo.
What is is?
What is the matter?
That's not just any old Satan.
That's Richard Dawkins.
Who's Richard Dawkins?
Only the most evil Satan in the universe.
Blink and Knickers, Kirk.
I think this is a UK generator.
It's like arg.uk.
Blink and knickers, Yurk.
Knickers.
We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most evil Satan in the universe.
This reads like an axe cops group.
You can say that again.
Blink and knickers, Kirk.
He said it again.
Because you can say it's a great joke.
If we're going to stop the most evil Satan in the universe, we need some help.
I'm going to need Bibles.
Lots of Bibles.
Richard turns and sees Kirk and Kevin.
He grins an evil grin.
Kirk Cameron, we meet again.
Oh, you've met?
Yes.
It was a long, long time ago.
Exterior.
A park back in time.
A young Kirk is sitting in a park listening to some newsboy's music when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.
He looks up and sees Richard.
He takes off his headphones.
Would you like some testaments?
The Christian mints, if you are.
Kirk's eyes light up, but then he studies Richard more closely and he looks uneasy.
I don't know.
You look kind of evil.
Me?
No, I'm not evil.
I'm the least evil Satan in the world.
Wait, you're a Satan?
Kirk runs away, screaming.
Exterior, arc encounter, present day.
You were a coward then.
You are a coward now.
You ran away?
That's Kevin Sorbo.
I was a young child.
What was I supposed to do?
Kirk turns to Richard Dawkins.
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time.
Kirk runs away.
He turns back and shouts, I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back with Bibles.
I'm not scared of you.
Well, you should be.
Interior, Chick-fil-A, later that day.
Kirk and Kevin.
Kirk and Kevin walk around searching for something.
I feel sure that I left my Bible somewhere around here.
Are you sure?
It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly Bibles.
You don't know anything, Kevin Sorbo.
We've been searching for ages.
I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, Richard Dawkins appears holding a pair of Bibles.
Looking for something?
Oh, yeah.
Croiky, Kirk.
That's Kevin Sorbo.
British.
Where is he like?
Australian.
Disappointed.
He's got your Bibles.
Tell me something I don't already know.
The Earth's circumference at the equator is about 40.075 kilometers.
I mean, 40,000.
Oh.
40,000.
75 kilometers.
I know that already.
I'm a conservative.
Does it search the internet?
How does it know he's a conservative?
I had to punch in a bunch of terms.
Oh, did you?
And then the Richard.
Richard, he's admitting.
I'm a conservative.
This is like a dude.
And Richard Dawkins.
Why is Richard Dawkins saying?
Dude.
While Richard is looking at Kevin with disgust, Kirk lunges forward and grabs his deadly Bibles.
He wields them triumphantly.
Prepare to die, you evil cucumber.
No, please.
All I did was brainwash a bunch of youth group kids.
Chelsea enters, unseen by any of the others.
I cannot tolerate that kind of behavior.
Those youth group kids were defenseless.
Well, now they have a defender, and that's me, Kirk Cameron, defender of innocent youth group kids.
Don't hurt me, please!
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these Bibles on you right away.
Because, Kirk, I am your father.
No, you're not.
I like that.
Kirk looks stunned for you moments and collects himself.
Oh, well, that'd be worth a try.
Richard tries to grab the Bibles, but Kirk dodges out of the way.
Who's the daddy now?
Huh?
Huh?
Unexpectedly, Richard slumps to the ground.
Did he just faint?
I think so.
Well, that's disappointing.
I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion involving my deadly Bibles.
Kirk crouches over Richard's body.
Be careful, Kirk.
Could be a trick.
No, it's not a trick.
It appears that it would seem Richard Dawkins is dead.
Ah, I see.
You respond to yourself.
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
Kevin claps.
So your Bibles did save the day after all.
So this is Chelsea.
This is Kirk Cameron's wife.
She steps forward.
Is it true?
Did you kill the evil Satan?
Chelsea, how long have you been?
Chelsea puts her arm around Kirk.
Yeah, I used to be.
You can beat Chelsea.
Yeah.
Long enough.
You have a very sultry Chelsea.
Then you saw it for yourself.
I killed Richard Dawkins.
Then the youth group kids are safe?
It does seem that way.
A crowd of vulnerable youth group kids enter, looking relieved.
You are their hero.
The youth group kids bow to Kirk Cameron.
There is no need to bow to me.
I seek no worship.
The knowledge that Richard Dawkins will never brainwash youth group kids ever again is enough for me.
You are humble as well as brave.
One of the youth group kids passes over to Kirk Cameron a shiny WWJD bracelet.
I think they want you to have it as a symbol of gratitude.
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
Well, if you insist.
Kirk takes the WWJD bracelet.
Thank you.
The youth group kids bow their heads once more and leave.
Like in China or something?
Kirk turns to Chelsea.
Does this mean you want me back?
Oh, Kirk.
Of course I want you back.
Kirk smiles for a few seconds and then looks defiant.
Well, you can't have me.
What?
You had no faith in me.
You had to see me scare a Satan to death before you would believe in me.
I don't want to love her like that.
But please leave.
I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin.
Wait, that's Kev.
Wait, oh, no, yeah, sorry.
My best friend, Kevin.
Kevin grins.
Taking a weird turn.
You heard the gentleman?
Now be off with you.
Skedaddle.
Shoo!
Kirk?
I'm sorry, Chelsea, but I think you should skedaddle.
You should skedaddle.
That's a weird.
I changed actor's choice.
Chelsea leaves.
Kevin turns to Kirk.
Did you mean that?
That I'm your best friend?
Scare into each other's face?
Of course you are.
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly, Kevin stops.
When I said I'm a conservative, you know, I was just trying to distract Satan, don't you?
The end.
Beautiful.
I think it works really well.
Nice jump.
Make it.
Let's make the print up.
Subscribers, we're going to do another movie in the subscriber portion.
We'll do another genre.
Christian romance film.
We need to get like Dan or Patrick in on to do the more voices for sure.
Okay, here's some hate mail.
I'm Miss Adam Ford.
All right, this is from someone named Lynn.
Mm-hmm.
And...
This is great.
What voices do you think she has?
We think that Lynn is like, we think that she's a conservative that is mad that we made fun of conservatives at some point or something.
I don't know.
We never make fun of conservatives, so we would not rather do that.
We wouldn't do it.
That would be stabbing our own foot in the face.
Shooting it with a knife.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
So, yeah, so I guess I see her as 40s, maybe.
50s?
I'm 40.
40s, 50s.
I'm really old, like 40s.
Boomer.
Well, Gen X is her 40s now, actually.
No, maybe I was thinking young boomer or old Gen X, maybe.
Okay.
For her.
The Twitter bio that has lots of flags and eagles.
Yeah.
And like Q type stuff.
Sure.
Yes.
Yes.
That's what I'm picturing.
Go ahead.
I laugh at your comments directed at Republicans.
You bunch of little sissy men hiding behind your computers are a bunch of flowerbed.
Babylon B is a leftist cartoon and the laughing stock of my great area.
What?
My great area.
I know Republicans are chomping at the bit to discuss the situation with you.
What?
Is she using a translator?
You know, just a nice discussion, lol.
You are a disgusting communist, anti-American piece of flowerbed.
And I know you will be shut down in the near future.
Okay.
Can we dissect this?
Yeah.
So, okay, so it makes sense at first.
She's, she, I laugh at your comment.
Okay, no, it doesn't make sense at first.
But I laugh at your commentary.
It's broken English, kind of.
Kind of.
So she doesn't like that we're making fun of Republicans.
You're sissy men.
You're hiding behind your computers.
And then it says Babylon B is a leftist cartoon.
So why does she think we're a cartoon?
We do make cartoons about the left.
Sure.
So maybe she was set at one of your cartoons or animations.
Could be.
And she says, it's the laughing stock of my great area.
She sounds like Doofen Schmirtz.
The laughing stock of the tri-state area.
So it's like in her town.
There's all these billboards.
My great area.
There's all these billboards.
Babylon B sucks.
Babylon B is trash.
Everybody laughs.
It's like where all the sitcom laughter at noon every day, the whole town comes together and pulls up a Babylon B art.
It's not a town.
It's a great area of the tri-city area or just a great plot of area.
And she goes, I know Republicans are chomping at the bit to discuss the situation.
So she's, is this like threatening violence against us?
It sounds like she's like, Republicans want to discuss with you.
You know, discuss the situation.
Just a nice discussion.
That's the lol.
Oh, well.
Three exclamation points.
And then she goes, you are disgusting.
Communist.
Anti-American.
And I know you're a shutdown.
Yes, feces.
Okay.
Well, Lynn.
Cool.
If you want to subscribe, Lynn, we're about to go do some more fun stuff.
Yeah.
We'll read some more hate mail.
All our jokes about Democrats are in the subscriber port.
Another movie.
We got some mailbag.
We're going to read some more hate mail and headlines.
Oh, yeah.
Good stuff.
Let's do it.
Lots of good stuff.
And we're going to do a whole other Christian movie.
Yeah.
Let's do it.
Coming up next for Babylon B subscribers.
I'm sorry, began Carmen in apologetic tones, but I don't feel the same way.
And I never will.
I just don't love you, Amy.
Amy looked frustrated.
Her emotions raw like a mute, moaning microphone.
Something deep there.
The comic book dude likes to take jokes dark places, maybe a little too much sometimes.
But I understand as an artist, that's where his mind is at.
So is that you because you like marble and stuff?
I assume that's you because you draw a common with his dude.
Wondering what they'll say next?
The rest of this podcast is in our super exclusive premium subscriber lounge.
Go to babylonbee.com/slash plans for full-length ad-free podcasts.
Kyle and Ethan would like to thank Seth Dillon for paying the bills, Adam Ford for creating their job, the other writers for tirelessly pitching headlines, the subscribers, and you, the listener.