The Babylon Bee Election Special News Show 11.6.2020
This is The Babylon Bee News Podcast for the week of 11/6/2020. In this Election 2020 special, your hosts Kyle Mann and Ethan Nicolle do a recap of all of our Election 2020 coverage which turned out to be fake news you could trust after all. They fondly remember all the absurd moments of the primaries and general election and try to bring some sanity to your election week craziness. We make politics way too important as G.K. Chesterton teaches us in this most excellent Election Podcast Special. Also, will you be our RBG? Be sure to check out The Babylon Bee YouTube Channel for more podcasts, podcast shorts, animation, and more. To watch or listen to the full podcast, become a subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans This episode is brought to you by Small Group The Movie. Introduction Kyle voted for the first time and is haggard and tired. Ethan wrote a song to bring us all together: Be my RBG. Stuff That's Good Kyle likes Star Wars Squadrons. Ethan likes Monster DC Sniper. Weird news Costco pulls coconut milk after report on forced monkey labor A PETA investigation accused Thai growers, who supply the coconuts for coconut milk such as the Chaokoh brand, of forcing monkeys to work as coconut pickers. Costco has stopped selling coconut milk derived from those producers, reports USA Today. Seems inefficient. Can't you just put a big snipper on a stick and get them down? PETA says some of the monkeys are driven insane. Off-duty Nevada officer dressed as 'Star Wars' Stormtrooper stops suspected drunken driver An off-duty state trooper wearing a "Star Wars" costume while returning home from a Halloween party prevented a suspected drunken driver from entering a Las Vegas freeway in the wrong direction. Indian doctor duped into buying 'Aladdin's lamp' for $93,000 Police in India's northern Uttar Pradesh state have arrested two men who allegedly duped a doctor into buying an "Aladdin's lamp" for $93,000 that they promised would bring wealth and good fortune. Dr Laeek Khan approached police in the northern state of Uttar Pradesh after he realised the lamp did not have any magical powers, as described in the popular folk tale about Aladdin and his wish-granting genie that appears when it is rubbed. California kayakers end up in mouth of humpback whale Two kayakers escaped uninjured when they briefly ended up in the mouth of a humpback whale that surfaced beneath them. Seance live streamed from British manor breaks Guinness record Babylon Bee Election Coverage: 2020 Election Roundup: The Insane Democratic Primary Trump Vs Biden: The Babylon Bee's Top Articles From The 2020 Election Topic of the Week Kyle and Ethan read a portion of Chesterton's What's Right with the World Hate Mail We get chewed out by a retired Army guy for our coverage of Mitch McConnel's recent encounter with a plastic six-pack ring. Love Mail We get some crude love mail that we can appreciate. Subscriber Lounge Kyle and Ethan talk about politics being made to be more important than it is, discontent, prigs, and oligarchs as they continue reading from G.K. Chesterton.
In a world of fake news, we bring you up-to-the-minute factual inaccuracy and a heavy dose of moral truth with your hosts, Kyle Mann and Ethan Nicole.
This is the Babylon Bee.
Fake news you can trust.
Hey, everybody, this is Kyle from the Babylon Bee podcast.
And this is the morning after the election.
And I'm tired.
You realize that this comes out on Friday, the day.
Yeah, but this is the day after.
Yeah.
For us.
We're supposed to pretend like it's Friday, though.
How late did you stay up, bro?
Like three or four, but I always knew that.
Oh, wow.
I'm acting all tired.
I'm not acting tired.
I look at the clock and be like, oh, it's only 2.30.
The night is young.
Still time for another cigar.
So I went to bed.
I thought you were Jack Dorsey for a minute.
That's a good impression.
Sorry.
I went to bed confident that Trump was voted.
That's how you feel when you, this is your first time voting, right?
So I always have adopted the attitude of the aloof libertarian.
You look like one now today more than ever.
You people squabble over your pity.
This is no one's going to end the Fed and no one's going to stop all the foreign wars.
No one's going to address the national debt.
You guys just have your fun.
But I was driving home yesterday, Election Day.
I felt this.
A bright light here.
A bright light coming from the heavens.
You fell out of your Camaro.
And I said, you know what?
I fell out of my Camaro.
And I said, you know what?
What the heck?
Like, I'm like writing all this material.
I'm like influencing maybe a couple of people and culture or whatever.
And I, you know, ultimately, I wanted Trump to win.
I did.
Deep down.
He's our number one chance of ending foreign wars.
Actually, he's the only guy who's done anything against abortion.
Doesn't seem like a great guy.
I'm not on the Trump train.
I didn't get the MAGA tattoo, but I said, you know what?
I'm doing it.
And my vote doesn't matter anyway because I live in California.
Still.
So I did.
And would not recommend, really.
It was like a very long line.
Really?
I was amazed how short it was in my playlist.
I did in the morning, though.
It was like a 10-minute process for me.
Yeah.
So for the first time in many years, since like maybe 96, I cared about the election results because back then, I don't know.
I decided I was a Republican and I was nine.
Maybe like 12, 09.
I was like watching the returns.
Oh, no, Bob Dole's losing, mom.
It says so much about you that you were nine years old and cared about Bob Dole.
I know.
Like, can you imagine a less inspiring candidate for a nine-year-old to be excited about?
Anyway, so I did the whole like watching, refreshing Twitter and watching.
And then I woke up and I was like, oh, actually, Biden won.
That's what it's sounding like right now.
Oh, it sounded like, yeah.
But not 100%.
But probably by the time this comes out.
It's the curious things that happen overnight.
Yeah, I'm curious by this time this comes out.
This is going to be such old news.
We shouldn't be talking about it.
I assume what's going to happen.
My prediction is by the time this comes out, Biden will have won, but I don't think Trump will have conceded.
There's going to be some court stuff probably.
That's my guess.
It's going to go.
If it's that close, because it is really close.
Very close.
And there's some weird things that have popped up.
Which is incredible because they were basically predicting that it was going to be total Biden landslide.
Texas?
Is Texas in play?
Nope.
It is not.
It is not.
Arizona's a little surprise, but they've had a lot of implants, I guess.
Yeah, that's all those Californians going over there.
Sad.
So spreading their disease across the land.
Today, what we're going to do on the Benombe podcast is a little different.
This is going to be our election special.
Yeah.
So.
But it's not going to be about who won because obviously we don't know that.
We don't know.
This is going to be about just well, we're going to look back on this election and we're going to look at life in this world where it's dominating everything.
Yeah.
And most importantly, we want people to be unified.
United.
Do we?
We do.
That's why you wrote a song.
That's right.
Well, there's a difference in unified.
People call for unity.
What they mean is like, believe everything I believe.
But you call it a ballad of unity.
Yeah.
It's true.
It's literally in the title.
Well, it's satire.
Yeah.
Oh, it's sat there.
Okay.
So, yes.
So some of you may have heard it, but I feel like it's a good thing to spread.
And, you know, people will listen back to the podcast and they'll find it.
This gem, we wrote this song called Be My RBG.
I was inspired by this picture they were sharing of Anton and Scalia and RBG, who are on opposing sides of the Supreme Court, but they're very good friends.
And it shows them wearing costumes in a costume party together.
And so I just, the song kind of just popped in my head.
I'll be your Anton and Scalia.
You'll be my RBG.
And legitimately wanting to be friends with people on the left.
Like, we can disagree.
Like, I just found it.
I had a guy who discovered that I'm pro-life and he's loved Axe Cop.
He's been one of my biggest supporters.
Immediately announced, he had to make a big announcement that I'm a horrible pro-lifer and disowned me.
It's like, I would have just guessed by his goatee that he was pro-choice.
I was cool with him.
Wait, what are you trying to say about people with goatees, bro?
He had a very pro-choice goatee.
Oh, what is it?
Here's his ambiguous.
His looks.
The more neck beardy I get, the more I look like I'm pro-choice.
Dangerous disguise.
This is pro-choice.
Pro-choice.
Anyway.
All right.
Well, let's check it out.
Be my RBG.
Here we go.
Be it.
Be it.
Just a couple of wings.
Mine's on the right.
Yours is on the left.
So I guess we're supposed to fight.
But isn't there more than politics to this life?
Can I take your hand in friendship across this great divide?
I'll be Rocky, be Apollo Cream.
Be the combs to my Hannah Dean.
I'll be Chesterton and you be Shaw.
You'll be Dennis Robin.
I'll be your Kimmy Chong.
I'll be W, UBL and D. You be Hitchens, I'll be your brother Pete.
I'll be that damn you be McCain.
You be Daryl Davis.
I'll be your KKK.
Woody and Buzz found love, though.
They were enemies.
I'll be Antonin Scalia.
You'll be my R.B.D. I said, when in bed.
Evandro Holy Fields Ira.
But nowadays he doesn't mind him.
When Big Bird got kidnapped by a couple of scheming carnies, Oscar the Grouch drove a sloppy jalopy to try and find him.
You know the Rockoff and mock Steve Austin, but they're just actors.
Off the mat they had each other's backs just like two chiropractors.
I'll be Rocky, be Apollo Cream, be the Combs to my Hannah Dean.
I'll be Chesterton and you be Shaw.
You'll be Dennis Robin.
I'll be your Kimmy Chong.
I'll be W, you be L and D. You be Hitchens, I'll be your brother Pete.
I'll be that James UV McCain.
You'll be Daryl Davis.
I'll be your KKK.
Joe Rogan loves everyone.
Maybe it's a DMT.
May have heard that Larry Bird and Magic Johnson are friendly.
Maybe one day Elaine a cake and we'll be down with ACP Every Antony Scalio needs an RP together.
We can't dream.
We can protest peacefully.
Disney the UFC.
Like Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee.
WWJP.
AFC.
You kick George Cop cars.
I'll read Thomas Soul.
You know, that was beautiful, Ethan.
Well, thank you.
So good.
So good.
We want to put some of the, we did a ton of B-roll.
I want to put that you and Patrick.
Like fighting and fighting and hugging and feeding each other Chick-fil-A.
I started to get a little worried and suspicious about what the motive for this was when I'm like sitting there with Patrick and you guys are like, yeah, feed it.
Feed it to us.
Feed him with Chick-fil-A.
Feeding the Chick-fil-A and they're going to get even close.
I'm like, are you guys selling this on the dark web somewhere?
Yeah, that moment made it.
It's not really clear what's happening is you notice that you're holding a Chick-fil-A sauce packet in the video.
You're feeding him a Chick-fil-A tenderly.
And yeah, it's kind of a crazy.
I pretty much edited like they, the guys did some preliminary editing for me and then I pretty much did the whole thing all night till seven in the morning one night.
That's just how I work.
I get into a once I'm in the movie.
I'm getting in the mode and you can't get out.
I get in the writing mode and throw my headmums on and it's like if someone disturbs me, I'm like, ah, can't get out.
Hey, we didn't mention that we have a new set.
Yeah.
Hey, by the way, did you notice that it looks different here?
We had Masons come and lay bricks tenderly all around us.
Yeah, we looked for some very tender masons because a lot of them are very hard to scrape the street.
We look for more effeminate masons.
They're rough.
And they did this and poured concrete right there as we sat and watched.
And then, yeah, the wall we made, we waited for the wall to age for a very long time.
And then we added this B logo, the new one.
So it's beautiful.
So if you're not on the video feed, get on the video feed and mash that subscribe button.
Yeah, it looks different.
We look the same.
Actually, Kyle looks worse than usual.
Oh, that's an yeah.
I had makeup artists and hair people do this to make it look like I was like haggard.
It's part of the act.
Okay.
All right, let's do some stuff that's good.
But now, this week's edition of stuff that's good.
All right, I'm going to talk about something that Ethan will have absolutely no interest in, but that's not going to stop me.
Never has before.
Star Wars Squadrons, which is a new video game out on multiple platforms.
And if you ever played the old TIE Fighter game or X-Wing versus TIE Fighter or X-Wing Alliance, that's what this is.
It's very similar to that.
It's kind of arcadey, kind of like the old, what were they called?
What was that game on the GameCube called?
Rogue Squadron?
Rogue Squadron.
Star Fox.
I think.
Is that right?
Dan's nodding.
It's kind of like that, a little arcade-y, but it's a mix between that and then the hardcore, more simulation mode of TIE Fighter.
I actually play it with the VR helmet, so I get to sit in an X-Wing.
I have the VR, like your daughter and your son came over and played it.
The VR goggles, not helmet, I guess.
VR goggles.
Sorry.
So I put on the VR goggles and I'm actually sitting in an X-Wing cockpit.
And if like you ever dreamed about that when you're nine or ten years old, now you get to realize that fantasy.
So and I'm just sitting in the computer going yelling pew, pew, pew.
And that's what I do.
So your wife looks over at you.
I married this man.
It's pretty good.
If you play it, give me a shout out.
We'll hook up online and shoot each other.
Wow.
Not you.
You're trying to make online connections with people right now.
I have played some video games with followers and stuff I met online.
Followers.
You sound like a cult leader.
With all my followers.
Join me in the squadrons.
Mine is a podcast.
People that like true crime, once again, meet my true crime.
There's a it's a lot.
It's a pretty long series about the monster, the DC sniper called Monster DC Sniper.
And, you know, that was like a story that you heard like bits and pieces of, but like, it's an insane thing where these guys were running around just sniping random people for like a long time.
And this crazy story where it's like a man and a kid.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
So it's a crazy backstory.
Like, there's a lot of stuff there.
They interview the actual kid, the killer.
They interview the wife of the man.
It's very in-depth, a lot like a little serialized.
So, anyway, if you're into that, like a long, you know, good for the drive.
I got into it.
Monster DC Sniper.
Can I ask you a question?
So this True Crime podcast, I've never listened to one.
So a true crime podcast is focused on one crime.
It depends on the podcast.
Some of them do one per episode.
Oh, okay.
But this one is a series.
Monster is a series.
It's not the energy drink.
I haven't.
I tried getting to one of the other ones and I wasn't as into it, but I think this is like the third one.
So they'll focus on one killer.
So it's like Monster Colon.
But they'll find Monster.
DC Sniper.
Yeah.
So it's this is the DC Sniper season.
Okay.
Okay.
So like Monster Colon, the raccoon murderer or something.
And that'll be Monster Colon.
Sounds bad.
Monster Colon.
It's like Proctologist.
Dude, that a monster.
Yeah, that guy had a Monster Colon.
You won't believe he goes back and talks to the nurses.
You got to see this Monster Colin.
You're taking it further than I thought.
I was going to brush by that.
Come on in here.
Let's take a look.
Okay, well, we're going to do some weird news.
This has been stuff that's good.
This news is weird.
Weird news.
There's other news besides the election that happened this week.
Really?
Yeah, but this all might be tied into the election.
Maybe some of it.
All right.
Costco pulls coconut milk after report on forced monkey labor.
So this is legitimately like real.
They have these chained-up monkeys and they just force them to pick coconuts for them.
I can't imagine monkeys are more efficient than any tool a man could create to pull coconuts down from a tree.
That's what I'm confused by.
But it was a PETA, PETA-revealed video of the monkeys being forced labor.
I'm reading The Mysterious Island by Jules Verne, and they like they capture a monkey and then they train him to be the butler.
Which is like that's smart.
It's supposed to, I mean, it's a fantasy book or whatever adventure book, but it's supposed to be fairly realistic, like they're surviving on this island.
And here's how they built a here's how they built their little hut, and here's how they, and then all of a sudden they capture this monkey and they're like making him stand there, like bring them drinks and stuff.
And it's, it feels a little out of place.
Oh, yeah.
But that's what I was reminded of.
So, okay.
Story time with Kai.
I like it.
I love the idea of having a monkey butler.
I want a gorilla.
I want a gorilla bouncer like in Roger Rabbit.
I don't even saw that, you're a kid.
You're a gorilla.
Yeah, no.
Yeah, that stands at my door when everybody knocks.
He looks through the peephole.
What's the price for us?
Maybe Jules Verne got the idea from there.
Maybe.
But yeah, couldn't you just make like a big stick with like snippers on it and get the coconuts down faster?
Because they're little monkeys.
What do they got to go up there and twist it off or something?
I just don't get why maybe they're just like being mean to monkeys.
I'm not trying to be racist.
So are all like coconut milk things going to have like the no, like the little no sign, no monkey labor.
Yeah, or could the monkeys at least be treated better?
Because they are.
They put them on these short chains, which is mean.
You know, a monkey wants to jump around in trees and they're just on this chain going in circles.
PETA says that the monkeys, some of them are driven insane, and I'm curious how you can tell when a monkey has gone insane.
Maybe when they start throwing poop.
No, that's just what they do.
When they start going and just start like clawing out your eyes and your junk.
But again, that would just be what they do.
Yeah, that's so, yeah, chimpanzees.
They go for your face, your hands, and your junk.
That's the most horrible thing you can do to somebody.
Besides, that's worse than killing them.
It's true that a crazy person is basically that kind of behavior of a monkey where it's like, they're like eating bugs.
They say they went ape.
Yeah.
Like when you say a person went crazy, ape flowerbed.
What is the replacement word?
We've had some requests to do the replacement words that line up with the actual bad monkey.
And we have the donkey one.
Flowerbed would be obvious.
Yeah.
The F1.
Or in Doug to Naples here, we could use it for the other F word too.
It'd be like shark.
Shark.
Ape shark.
Okay, there you go.
Ape shark.
Okay, now we'll spend 20 minutes on this before we go to this one.
Off-duty Nevada officer dressed as Star Wars stormtrooper stops suspected drunken driver.
This is for you, Kyle.
Well, here's the thing about Star Wars stormtroopers.
So yeah, this probably happens a lot on Halloween.
You think like cops coming up and they're like, because he was off.
Is he wearing it to work?
He was off-duty.
He's off duty.
He was returning home from a Halloween party and he saw, hey, I think that guy's drunk.
He's swerving.
Did he keep the helmet on?
That would be amazing.
He's like, the drunk guy is like, well, I didn't realize I was that drunk.
He sees a stormtrooper walking up to the side of his car.
What was in the drink?
This isn't the drunk driver you're looking for.
You can go about your business.
Move along.
That's the scene from Star Wars.
Okay.
Okay.
I thought that you're.
That's the Jedi Mine.
I thought you were riding into a dusty car or something.
I don't know.
No.
Indian doctor duped into buying Aladdin's lamp for $93,000.
So he has a PhD.
Police.
He went to college right years.
Two men.
Long it takes two men who allegedly duped a doctor into buying in Aladdin's lamp for $93,000 that they promised would bring wealth and good fortune.
I have here is that a normal lamp or is that the lamp?
Are they going door to door?
Are they selling these at gas stations?
Like the guys sell those guys sell those fake speakers out in gas station parking lots and stuff.
Fake speakers?
Yeah.
This is the only thing when I was growing up, like they would say, hey, man, go over to the trunk.
I got these nice speakers.
It's Aladdin's speaker.
And they were just like either total crap or they were empty cabinets with no speakers in them.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Probably my worst thing with that is this is really bad too.
We had a this guy shows up and we had some scratches and dents in our car from a little bump we got.
You know, my wife bumped into something.
I think I scratched into something too and I was pulling out anyway.
So there's a few dings and a little dent in our car and this guy's like hey, I could fix this for this much money, right here.
I got the paint.
Him doing a car around the corner and the price couldn't be beat and like sure, why not, let's just do it.
We just did it.
The guy just butchered our car like he did this.
This rattle can.
There's paint on our windows.
There's like it's just a mess.
It just looks like a ghetto car.
Now he just ruined it.
He just disappeared recent and he never.
No, it was.
Uh yeah, it's like maybe I don't know, like eight months ago or something, I don't know.
So is this on your super?
It's on my other car, academia.
Okay gotcha, you don't.
People don't notice it if you just glance at it, but if you get up close, really bad, you realize how bad it is.
So he just goes with like can of spray paint.
It didn't really match.
Yeah, he didn't really tape a lot of things off.
There's paint on the license plate, there's paint on the windows, spray it off and it's just, it's terrible, yeah.
So if everybody, anybody ever does that walk, drives up in a van and offers to fix, do body work on your car, just don't.
Yeah, especially if he's got Aladdin's lamp and he's like this lamp will fix your dents in your car.
Uh, it's my turn.
It is California.
Kayakers end up in mouth of humpback whale.
Holy cow, that's the one.
You just end up, that there's so much that in that's pregnant end up.
It's like, kind of like, when you say one thing led to another, so you're probably out kayaking, so you're probably wondering how we ended up in this situation sitting in the mouth of the humpback whale.
One thing led to another.
You were out kayaking, we were in the mouth of a humpback started.
So they are both women, which is, you know, you know about women kayakers, I do, I don't know trying to make like a women driving joke.
Oh, like bad directions.
Yeah, they can't.
If we just turn left here, should we go into that mouth of the humpback whale or is that not the right way to go?
Or maybe they were trying to back it up or like parallel park it and somehow they ended up.
Yeah, they did that thing.
Where, like they're they meaning to hit the brake?
But then they hit the gas instead and drove directly into a humpback whale's mouth.
Oh, we were trying to pedal backwards.
Pedal paddle, paddle.
I'm smart.
Uh, the video makes it appear as the women were being swallowed, Followed by the whale, but they are considerably larger than the animal's usual diet of krill and small fishes.
The person who wrote this article knows you should never call a woman considerably larger than anything.
Considerably larger.
They are considerably larger, just massively larger than krill, which krill are small.
But it makes me feel better because fat people like me are.
I have no fear of humpback whales now.
Because if they wouldn't eat the ladies, then I'm fine.
He probably just already knows and he just passes you fine.
One animal off of my fear list.
So the kayakers actually filmed this themselves.
They were in.
They had their camera going.
You just kind of see them shake.
Yeah.
You can't really see the.
Yeah.
So, all right.
Well, watch out for the humpback wheels, I guess.
Yeah.
Hey, guess what?
It's time for another Guinness World Record.
Just for you, Kyle.
Oh, I forgot to put notes on that one.
Just click on it.
A seance live streamed from a British manor breaks a world record for the world's largest live-streamed seance.
I was wondering if it was like the most demons, most.
Yeah, the most demons contacted or most curses.
Oldest dead person summoned to the seance.
Is there any other records you can break for a seance?
Like the biggest seance circle or something, or the most frogs eaten?
Most date frogs.
Democratic voters summoned.
Largest piles of Eye of Newt.
Most incense burned?
This doesn't count.
Loudest cackle.
Guinness record revoked.
It's nice that you do that because I don't have to create a graphic or anything.
Yeah.
Well, I was hoping that he would like do a 3D stamp.
All right.
So we're going to go on to stories of the week.
They're really not of the week, though.
But they're kind of not of the week.
So here we go.
Babylon Bee election special coverage.
Blow out super safe.
All right, guys, we'll- Well, the election is wrapping up.
Possibly by the time this air is, or possibly not.
We don't know.
But the important thing isn't who won or lost.
It's that we got to laugh and write a bunch of jokes about it.
That's right.
It's all good for us.
So at the end of the election, Trump and Biden, we're just going to hand them each an orange slice and a Capri Sun and a blue ribbon and say, good job for participating.
Thanks for making us all laugh.
So here we go.
These are the Babylon Bees, some of our election coverage.
So let's start.
These are ones from the primary, the Democratic primaries.
So we can think back.
What if one of these guys had won instead of Joe Biden?
Oh, man.
I forget some of these people existed when I look at this list.
It was crazy.
Remember how there were like three billion Democratic candidates?
Yeah.
And then it was like winding down to three or four, and then Mike Bloomberg's like, I'm in.
And he jumps into the race.
See, I'm here to save the day.
And then he spent like $500 million or something and then lost like a month later.
What was that?
I was also seeing in the coverage that the Democrats had spent like $250 million to unseat Lindsey Graham and Mitch McConnell.
Oh, yeah.
And they both won by massive margins.
Insane.
It's like you could have just burned the money.
At least then our currency would deflate a little bit.
Such a waste.
Maybe.
I don't know how that works.
Bernie Sanders asks Nation to please stop mailing him books on economics.
I just laughed at my own joke.
That might have been Dan Coates.
I thought that was Dan Coates joke.
That is a Dan Coates joke.
I mean, mine because I own everything on the Babylon B person.
Everything is yours.
Every letter is mine.
Well, that's a good book, Basic Economics by Thomas Soule.
You know, I've never read Thomas Soule.
What?
Yeah.
I need to because every time I see like a quote on Twitter, I'm like, pretty much libertarian, I believe.
That's what it sounds like.
Yeah.
Economic focused.
Bernie vows to rebuild Berlin Wall.
Huh?
Because he's a commie.
Yeah, not a wall on the border in Berlin.
Berlin one.
Bernie Sanders praises slave owners for free housing program.
Oof.
That was related to something else, right?
He was praising Cuba for something, if I remember right.
Theft program or something or meeting or something.
I can't remember.
Yeah, there's something Cuba.
Yeah, one of the conferences.
The slavery was bad, but the slaves were housed for free, I might add, for their entire employment.
Sanders said.
It's unfair to criticize the whole thing.
But a good spin-on.
The plantations were very clean, very nice buildings.
I don't know what he's turning into.
I actually honeymooned at one in Virginia back in 1845, and it was an eye-opener for me to how much propaganda has been used to malign slave owners and their healthcare, housing, and literacy programs.
There you go.
He does that.
He's constantly flawing.
He's like meaning to point, but he's too lazy.
His hand is just a dead hand.
He's never worked a day in his life.
So, I mean, you know.
Yeah, that's true.
Democrats combine into giant mech to annihilate Bernie Sanders, which really did kind of happen.
It did happen.
They all endorsed Biden.
The DNC called everybody up.
Today's the day.
You're endorsing Bernie Sanders.
We're taking Biden.
We're taking Bernie out.
Or not endorsing Bernie Sanders.
You're endorsing Biden.
We're dedorsing him.
Dedorse.
Undorsing.
Bernie tests negative for president.
Sad.
Sad.
Perfect facial expression.
Oh, man.
That was right around when COVID hit, I think.
That's why the joke was.
During COVID, yeah.
It was in April.
So maybe four weeks into two weeks to flatten the curve.
Tomahawk wielding Elizabeth Warren vows to take land back from the pale faces.
It's like it's both such a cheap shot, but at the same time, I love how far it goes into that.
It leans into the cheap shot so far.
I mean, that was like a hard Photoshop.
And it's one of the funniest articles of Frank's written anything.
It's so funny.
You pale faces have taken my land and have angered the great spirit.
This theft has angered my ancestors.
You will return what is mine, or I will hit you with a wigwam.
She paused to look at her book again.
No, that's not right.
Goodness gracious.
And she's at the National History Museum, right?
In front of the Buffalo display.
Is that a display?
Yeah, that's what it was supposed to be.
Yeah.
That's fantastic.
If people don't remember, I mean, I'm sure everybody remembers.
She's a.0129 or something.
1024.
Native American.
Native American.
Which leads to Elizabeth Warren Leaves Brutal One Star Review for Ancestry.com.
She also said that, kept saying that she was persecuted for being a woman when she had a teaching job.
So Elizabeth Warren recalls how she lost her teaching job when her fake mustache fell off, revealing she's a woman.
This one also has some great copy in it.
She says the spirit gun wore off when her mustache fell off in the middle of a meeting.
She was met with crime with cries of, hey, that's a woman, before being chased out of the building, followed by shouts of, jobs are for men.
Especially teachers.
Everybody knows teaching is a man's job.
Warren and Sanders settle campaign dispute by playing chicken on mobility scooters.
That's a beautiful photo shot.
I just have to say.
So you, that was you.
Yeah, the funny thing is, I found a picture of a guy in a wheel or a mobility scooter, and that's I didn't change anything there.
That hair was the guy's hair.
That's his head.
That's exactly like Bernie Sanders.
Yeah, so that's how bald I imagine Bernie Sanders is in the back of his head.
That's fantastic.
So I just put Bernie's face in the mirror.
That's beautiful.
Well, here's a sequel article.
Yeah.
Warren returns to tribe in shame after failing to take land back from the pale faces.
Womp womp.
I don't know why people say womp womp.
Imagine that.
The soundtrack playing.
Like the Indian whistle.
Yeah.
Not the flute.
I don't know what they got.
Piccolo.
What do they got?
Indian peace pipe.
But they play like a clarinet.
I don't know what you're.
You know, the old Native American clarinet.
Bloomberg.
Let's get on to Bloomberg because who doesn't want to remember him?
Everybody.
Bloomberg purchased his first supporter for $1.7 billion.
I think we listed that as a fulfilled prophecy because after we wrote that, it came out that he was paying influencers like a thousand bucks just to do like hashtag Mike Bloomberg.
Yeah, say something nice about him.
But I loved when Brian, who are the news anchors that were like, we did the math, and you Mike Bloomberg could pay everybody in America a million dollars or something like that.
It's a Brian Williams.
It's Brian Williams.
It's an incredible way of putting it.
The number that they're going to give each of their so off.
Isn't it incredible that they could have given each American $1.2 million?
Whatever.
That is the amount of money he spent.
And they were going back and forth.
Yeah, wow, that is incredible.
And they never realized that that was like so.
Just straight common sense to go.
That can't be right.
Yeah.
The fact that they believe that so revealing.
Like I tell my kids when they do their math problems, they'll do like 50 times two and they'll come out with like 100 billion.
And I'm like, just think about it for a second.
Yeah.
Like if you have $250 bills, you don't have $100 billion.
Yeah.
Just roughly how many people are in the country.
Bloomberg gives a billion dollars to Bernie Sanders, causing him to destroy himself.
And he's always railing about the billionaires.
The billionaires.
Yeah.
Billionaires.
The worst thing on earth.
Which he used to go off on the millionaires, but yeah, then he became one of the best.
He became one.
No, it is the billionaire.
I guess this wouldn't make him destroy himself.
He would just switch to trillionaires.
He'd resurrect as the anti-trillionaire guy.
Bloomberg stops by Daytona 500 to hand out speeding tickets.
Oh, it's because what was he?
He was doing a bunch of stupid laws in New York, right?
Well, yeah, he was the soda guy, right?
Yeah, New York.
I can't remember when that was even talking about.
I remember when we published, the only thing I remember about publishing this article is I was looking desperately for a recent NASCAR photo because NASCAR drivers are constantly swapping their cars around.
I thought this was a current one, and I throw it out there, and immediately all the NASCAR fans are like, that guy doesn't drive that car anymore.
He's sponsored by Tide now or whatever.
I'm sorry.
So sad.
It's my turn.
Paid mourners weep as Bloomberg exits primary.
I love that.
Was it Kirby Enthusiasm with a paid mourner?
The lady that gets paid to.
Oh, you haven't seen that episode.
I think I have.
Have you?
Maybe?
It's not that was one of the newer episodes.
No, maybe I haven't.
I can't remember.
Yeah.
He had a whole episode about a lady who's he can't tell when she's actually crying because she's also paid to cry at funerals and stuff.
Joe Biden is the best choice for our nation, chants Tulsi Gabbard after DNC completes the assimilation process.
Star Trek reference.
Okay.
She's got.
Is that a Star Trek costume?
Yeah, that's the Borg thing when Picard got assimilated, started to get assimilated.
Dan and Patrick are both Matt.
Is Matt Ottigan?
I don't know anything.
All these Star Trek moves.
I feel so like I'm not part of the human race.
This one is one that was risky because I don't actually know the reference that well.
I did see the Star Trek movie that I think was that came out after that happened in the show.
I don't know.
Whatever.
Hasbro.
Okay.
Should we do like a trigger warning?
Hasbro introduces horrifying image.
Go ahead.
Are we saying booty?
Matt's booty.
Hasbro introduces new my booty, Pete Bootich doll.
Okay, this was not intent.
It's a play on my buddy.
Yeah, my buddy.
Remember?
My buddy?
I don't.
I'm not old enough, but you told me about it.
He goes, my buddy.
Wherever I go, he goes, my buddy.
My buddy.
I'll teach him everything that I know.
My buddy and me like the part of a dream.
My buddy and me when a fan friend because me, my buddy, and me.
My buddy from play school.
The idea was.
A lot of people took this in an interesting way.
Yeah, they did.
It's going to happen.
The joke was that he looked like Howdy Duty.
Yeah, he looks like a guy.
We kept trying to find the right howdy-duty joke.
And I kept saying, does anybody know who howdy duty is?
But maybe they do.
Yeah.
Yeah, everybody does.
Who knows who Howdy Duty is in studio?
I vaguely knew that he was a puppet.
That's about all I knew.
All right, on to Corey Booker.
Oh, and other guys.
Just kind of going on some.
There was a bunch of them.
Corey Booker moved to tears during participation trophy acceptance speech.
Because he cried a lot or something.
Yeah, he's constantly.
Well, he's constantly giving these big emotional speeches.
He's the Spartan guy.
Spartacus moment.
Yeah, this one requires the picture.
So get on video if you want to get this joke.
El Paso man comes down from an insane acid trip where he hallucinated that he ran for president.
And there's a picture of a haggard look.
He looks about as haggard as you right now.
But I didn't run for president.
So it's Beto.
It's Beto over.
Beto.
I don't think we have my favorite Beto article in here.
It's where he chugs a bottle of Cholula.
We got to pull it up then.
In Move to Appeal to Hispanic voters, Betto O'Rourke chugs an entire bottle of authentic Cholula hot sauce.
He's just chugging with an angry look in his eyes.
He was always going up to the debates and going like, hola!
He goes.
Yosa, Betto.
Yeah.
Like, are you instantly transfixed by that if you're Hispanic?
Oh, hola, Latinx friends.
Yeah.
And finally, Mary Ann Williamson.
Mary Ann Williamson, not sure what she's doing up here with all these crazy people.
One of our commenters dropped this link, and he said, You guys left off the best one.
And if you're a paid subscriber to Babylon B, you get to join our comment section, which is a blast.
And it's the one he liked was Brian Williams claimed Bloomberg could have given every American $1 million.
Fact check, true, but not all at the same time.
I think that was a frank joke.
Because he can give everybody a million dollars and take it back.
Oh, that's true, man.
All right.
Moving right along.
That was the primaries.
Now we're going to go on to the general election: Trump versus Biden.
Oh, the memories.
This is how it started.
Babylon B article.
Search for the two best possible candidates for president concludes.
We nearly knew how to pick them, didn't we?
Yeah.
It's like a filter.
Best human beings on earth that also have lots of money and influence.
You can skip through this.
We don't have to do all of them if you don't want.
Biden aids forced to use the spray bottle again because he's going for a little kid.
He's going for a girl.
The headline doesn't say that part.
It just ends up that spray bottle, I guess.
Yeah, like dogs that fight stuff.
Tycho Toys announces Tickle U Biden.
Another horrifying Photoshop.
I just added teeth to Elmo.
You know, when you write when you're writing satire, you have to consider this like ick factor that something's going to gross people out.
They're not going to share it, even if it otherwise would have gotten shared.
This one crossed the ick factor line.
A lot of people didn't share because it's too.
It's like a little kid and this doll like coming out.
Biden cuts hole in masks so he can still sniff people's hair.
Oh, I stole your headline.
No, I read the top shared menu on the article.
People have stolen this image.
Oh, he gets stolen on merchandise and stuff.
If you Google image, search it, I bet it just comes up on everything.
Jokes on them.
I'm not a professional Photoshop broken.
Well, you get paid to do it, so you are a professional.
Oh, it's very true.
Judge dismisses sexual assault allegations against Biden on grounds that he is not a Republican.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Got him.
Trump.
Trump's power doubles after absorbing impeachment attack.
This is one of my more praised Photoshops.
That's fantastic.
But yeah, because they tried to impeach him.
Well, they did impeach him.
I guess.
Impeached makes it sound like he's gone.
Doesn't impeachment feel like a billion years ago?
Yeah.
Like, did that have any effect on the election at all?
Yeah.
Trump installs ejection seats throughout press briefing room.
This is striking me that I'm really going to miss Trump.
He's so good for comedy.
Trump establishes Manlier Chad camp next to the Chaz camp.
Oh, here's a classic.
Trump threatens more plagues unless state governors let his people go.
Go listen to our song.
Go Down Donald.
Yeah, go check it out.
Go Down Donald.
It's on our YouTube channel under specials.
I'm proud of that one.
And I get a ton of comments on that Photoshop, too, which was actually a pretty quick, easy Photoshop.
Dude, there's so many of these.
We can't do all this.
Can't do all these guys.
You take the lead through and you're my boss.
Rapid fire.
Donald the Orange returns triumphantly as Donald the White survived his COVID thing.
Experts predict the winner will be candidate who talks the least.
That actually might end up being true, right?
Biden's ahead.
Biden campaign says he's so close to a VP pick, he can smell her.
That was a big one.
Man who has been in government for nearly 50 years promises to fix government.
I don't even know where we are.
Media criticizes Trump for downplaying virus threat by not dying.
Hillary Clinton suggests that Americans vote for president by email.
Trump says his Civil War will be even better than Lincoln's.
Fact check, true.
Trump drives around playing mailbox baseball in latest voter suppression scheme.
Mailman chased by a rabid Trump.
Did you do that, John?
Yeah.
Oh, it's beautiful.
Anonymous White House source claims Trump punched a baby.
Oh, yeah, that was the anonymous sources were fantastic.
Well, a couple more.
Good stuff.
Trump aides beg him to call Lid after he drinks 45 cups of coffee and campaigns for 237 hours straight.
I had not seen that Photoshop.
Wow.
That's horrifying or what?
That's horrifying.
Chelsea Handler patrols polling places to make sure no black people are voting for Trump.
Thanks, Chelsea.
Thanks, Chelsea.
Last one.
You know what happens when a black person votes for Trump?
They instantly turn it.
That's another article.
All right, last one.
Business orders boarding up in case party of love and tolerance loses.
That's just true.
That's just facts.
Then it's just facts.
All right.
Well, that's been a fun walk down memory lane.
But you know what?
We're all too uptight about this stuff.
Yeah.
You know what we need?
G.K. Chesterton.
That's right.
G.K. Chesterton.
GK Chesterton.
So for today's topic of the week, we are going to read part of a Chesterton essay called What's Right with the World.
Yeah, we're going to get a little deep.
We're going deep.
And this will be timeless and fun.
At least Chesterton's words will be.
Our stuff, our commentary may not be as good.
But here we go.
All right, guys, before we jump into topic of the week, we're going to talk about our sponsor this week, Small Group the Movie.
New movie that's out on Amazon and Blu-ray.
Smallgroupmovie.com.
You can check it out.
This is a comedy with a little bit of drama about a filmmaker who infiltrates a small group and tries to get like secret documentary footage of them.
And kind of like a lot of our Babylon B articles about small groups or churches or the little church idiosyncrasies.
Did I use that word right?
I think I did.
I think it's that kind of style of humor.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And seeing all the funny, there's a lot of funny stuff that goes on in those small groups.
Oh, man.
Radio host Tim Bryant described Small Group the movie as 100-proof unfiltered reformed theology that manages to hit you in the heart without hitting you over the head.
It's endorsed by our friend Kira Davis, who's been on the podcast before many times.
And she says, Small group isn't what I've come to expect from Christian movies.
It's not cheesy.
It's really well written, acted, and beautifully shot.
She says she laughed and she also cried.
Wow, I'm sorry for her.
I hope she's okay.
Yeah.
So Small Group the Movie, while not being shy in its self-deprecation about certain aspects of Christian culture, is also a celebration of one thing that people are craving most right now: community.
What'd you point at me when you said community?
Community.
We need you to come to Chestertonians.
You need community.
Oh, I get it.
Well, Small Group, the movie is available on DVD or Blu-ray at smallgroupmovie.com or for digital streaming on Amazon.
so check that out at smallgroupmovie.com smallgroupmovie.com smallgroupmovie.com smallgroupmovie.com GK Chesterton.
Now, I'm very disappointed that we don't have our subscriber lounge ready yet because this would be at the perfect setting.
Once in a while, we could drop into the subscriber lounge in the free portion and this would be the perfect sit by the fire and read.
But our lounge isn't quite ready yet.
It's getting coming along.
So just picture us by the fire here with our like bathrobes on, our smoking jackets or whatever.
open robes well now you've involuntarily envisioned that Sorry.
And here we go.
I'll read the first couple of paragraphs again.
Do you need to set this up at all?
Here we go.
Oh, yeah, you were talking.
Go ahead and give your little.
Well, okay.
Well, you picked this.
I'm trying to remember exactly.
I remember the case.
So this is from his introduction to a book called What's Wrong with the World.
And he explains in the beginning of this that, like, that wasn't his title that he picked.
The publisher picked a forum, which he said, you know, they like to pick things that are kind of, you know, get edgy.
It's clickbaity.
Ten things that are wrong with the world.
Yeah.
And so he, I think he decided he wanted to talk about the idea of what is right with the world.
So he wrote a chapter.
His introduction is called What is Right with the World.
So that's, I think that sets up the context.
We're not reading from the very beginning.
So.
Yeah, so here at the beginning, we cut out a bunch of paragraphs because Chesterton can ramble a little bit.
Yeah.
And for the sake of time.
But here he's kind of talking about, yeah, he just basically gets into this is what I actually think is right with the world.
And he's getting into how people think the world needs to be fixed a certain way, and it seems to be generally agreed upon, and he's challenging that.
We all think this, you know, there's all these things wrong with the world need to be fixed.
So here we go.
Now, for the matter of that, I do not think the world is getting much better in very many vital respects.
In some of them, I think the fact could hardly be disputed.
The one perfectly satisfactory element at the present crisis is that all the prophecies have failed.
At least the people who have been clearly proved to be wrong are the people who were quite sure they were right.
That is always a gratifying circumstance.
Now, why is it that all these prophecies of the wise have been confounded?
And why has the destiny of men taken so decisive and different a course?
It is because of the very simple fact that the human race consists of many millions of two-legged and tolerably cheerful, reasonably unhappy beings who never read any books at all and certainly never hear of any scientific predictions.
If they act in opposition to the scheme which science has foreseen for them, they must be excused.
They sin in ignorance.
They have no notion that they are avoiding what was really unavoidable.
But indeed, the phrases loosely used of that obscure mass of mankind are a little misleading.
To say of the bulk of human beings that they are uneducated is like saying of a red Indian hunter that he has not yet taken his degree.
He has taken many other things.
And so, sincerely speaking, there are no uneducated men.
They may escape the trivial examinations, but not the tremendous examinations of existence.
The dependence of infancy, the enjoyment of animals, the love of woman, and the fear of death.
These are more frightful and more fixed than all conceivable forms of the cultivation of the mind.
It is idle to complain of schools and colleges being trivial.
In no case will a college ever teach the important things.
He has learnt them right or wrong, and he has learnt them all alone.
We therefore come back to the primary truth, that what is right with the world has nothing to do with future changes, but is rooted in original realities.
If groups or peoples showed an unexpected independence or creative power, if they do things no one had dreamed of their doing, if they prove more ferocious or more self-sacrificing than the wisdom of the world had ever given them credit for, then such inexplicable outbursts can always be referred back to some elementary and absolute doctrine about the nature of men.
No traditions in this world are so ancient as the traditions that lead to modern upheaval and innovation.
Nothing nowadays is so conservative as a revolution.
Get that tattooed on your lower back.
Yeah.
The men who call themselves Republicans are men walking the streets of deserted and tiny city-states and digging up the great bones of pagans.
And when we ask on what republicanism really rests, we come back to that great, indemonstrable dogma of the native dignity of man.
And when we come back to the Lord of creation, we come back of necessity to creation, and we ask ourselves that ultimate question which St. Thomas Aquinas, an extreme optimist, answered in the affirmative.
Are these things ultimately of value at all?
Want to comment or should we keep reading?
Well, let's knock it out and then we'll talk.
Okay.
What is right with the world is the world.
In fact, nearly everything else is wrong with it.
This is that great truth in the tremendous tale of creation, a truth that our people must remember or perish.
It is at the beginning that things are good, and not, as the more pallid progressives say, only at the end.
The primordial things, existence, energy, fruition, are good so far as they go.
You cannot have evil life, though you can have notorious evil livers.
Manhood and womanhood are good things, though men and women are often perfectly pestilent.
You can use poppies to drug people or birch trees to beat them, stone to make an idol or corn to make a corner, but it remains true that in the abstract, before you have done anything, each of these four things is in strict truth a glory, a beneficient specialty and variety.
We do praise the Lord that there are birch trees growing amongst the rocks and poppies amongst the corn.
We do praise the Lord even if we do not believe in him.
We do admire and applaud the project of a world just as if we had been called to council in the primal darkness and seen the first starry plan of the skies.
We are, as a matter of fact, far more certain that this life of ours is a magnificent and amazing enterprise than we are that it will succeed.
These evolutionary optimists who called themselves meliorists, a patient and poor-spirited lot they are, always talk as if we were certain of the end, though not of the beginning.
In other words, they don't know what life is aiming at, but they are quite sure it will get there.
Why anybody who has avowedly forgotten where he came from should be quite so certain of where he is going to, I have never been able to make out.
But meliarists are like that.
They are ready to talk of existence itself as the product of purely evil forces.
They never mention animals except as perpetually tearing each other to pieces, but a month in the country would cure that.
They have a real giddy horror of stars and seas as a man has on the edge of a hopelessly high precipice.
They sometimes instinctively shrink from clay, fungoids, and fresh young of animals with a quivering gesture that reveals the fundamental pessimist.
Life itself, crude, uncultivated life, is horrible to them.
They belong very largely to the same social class and creed as the lady who objected that the milk came to her from a dirty cow and not from a nice clean shop.
They are sure how everything will end.
Alright, I'll finish it up.
I am in precisely the opposite position.
I am much more sure that everything is good at the beginning than I am that everything will be good at the end.
That all this frame of things, this flesh, these stones, are good things.
Of that I am more brutally certain than I can say.
But as for what will happen to them, that is to take a step into dogma and prophecy.
I speak here, of course, solely of my personal feelings, not even of my reasoned creed.
But on my instincts alone, I should have no notion what would ultimately happen to this material world I think so magnificent.
For all I know, it may be literally and not figuratively true that the tares are tied into bundles for burning, and that as the tree falleth, so shall it lie.
I am an agnostic, like most people with a positive theology.
But I do affirm with a full weight of sincerity that trees and flowers are good at the beginning, whatever happens to them at the end.
That human lives were good at the beginning, whatever happens to them in the end.
The ordinary modern progressive position is that this is a bad universe, but will certainly get better.
I say it is certainly a good universe, even if it gets worse.
I say that these trees and flowers, stars and sexes are primarily, not merely ultimately, good.
In the beginning, the power beyond words created heaven and earth.
In the beginning, he looked on them and saw that they were good.
Yeah.
Anyone want to come forward and accept Chesterton in their hearts?
And we're going to do, we're actually, it goes on.
We're going to do more in the subscriber portion.
Actually, my favorite part of this essay, the reason I wanted to do this one is going to be in the subscriber portion.
Politics is too important.
We'll talk about why.
But I mean, even in this section, he has this interesting thing where we focus so much on eschatology that things will be good one day that we forget this primal teaching of Christianity that things are good from the beginning, that this universe is good.
And he draws this distinction, I think, where there's a line of thought.
I think we would associate it with progressivism today that in the future, in, you know, in 50 years, if we eliminate gas cars and we're going to take all this horrible stuff in this horrible world that we're complaining about all the time and we're going to make it good.
And Chesterton in opposition stands stoutly and declares, actually, this is all good already.
Yeah, it was already good.
Which really is.
I mean, it's like everything in existence that's coming against us, whether you want to call it, whether it is like the devil himself or whatever it is, it's our own sin nature, is driven to make us unimpressed and uninterested in the world around us, God's creation.
There's a line from Chesterton in one of his articles about how a man thinks it would be a brilliant miracle if he could command the sun to go up and down or on his command, but he doesn't realize the amazing truth that the sun does go up and down.
The sun is there.
We explain it away like, oh, it's just a big ball of gas in the sky.
But like we're just putting words to a thing that we forget how amazing it is, that it's there.
It takes care of us.
It's this massive thing that our planet could fit.
I don't know how many earths could fit inside the sun.
He talks that about fairyland, and that's like the idea that wonder is all around us and we're just made, we're inoculated to it.
And so we become fascinated with ourselves instead and our brilliance.
We're going to fix this whole planet that's this big mess.
Yeah.
Anyway.
Yeah, it's interesting.
You don't believe that there is objective good that already exists and it's something we're protecting or preserving.
And yes, maybe it will get better, but it's not because of anything we did necessarily.
You reminded me of that quote by C.S. Lewis where he says in one of his Narnia books, in our world, it said he used a star is a huge ball of flaming gas.
Even in your world, my son, that is not what a star is, but only what it is made of.
True.
Yeah, man, I wanted to go through and highlight things, but I just wanted to highlight the entire thing.
In no case will a college ever teach the important things.
The man has learned them right or wrong and he's going to learn them all alone.
Yeah, and we take advantage of that too.
Like he talks about the important things you learn your whole life.
What you learn in college is a tiny bit of that.
And we act like that's everything that's the worth of a person.
And we're once again inoculated to the importance of and the, you know, the massive amount a person learns and is and becomes.
There's this almost like C.S. Lewis's term, the chronological snobbery, you know, where if you don't have a degree from these schools, you don't know anything.
You're an ignorant moron, you know, and we have these people for thousands of years of human existence who have learned all the important things.
I like how he says it about a native, because like it's easy for somebody to be like, oh, you're just some dumb yokel redneck that never went to college.
Then they wouldn't say that about the native who grew up in the forest.
They wouldn't be like, oh, you need a degree.
Yeah.
I don't have a degree.
You're pathetic.
No traditions in this world are so ancient as the traditions that lead to modern upheaval and innovation.
Nothing nowadays is so conservative as a revolution.
That's the one I'm going to get the triumph stamp of.
Yeah, he has another quote very similar to that.
He says that the conservative is the eternal eternal revolt.
Like it's a person who can't see an eternal, I can't remember the, it's so much better if you read what he says.
If you look up eternal revolution, conservative, it's in there somewhere.
If you had your open bath robot, we could just read the distribution on your chest.
We don't know, they don't know what life is aiming at, but they are quite sure it will get there.
That's the thing.
That's why the fight, right, is so like visceral with the left.
Like they think they're on this track to heaven.
And the demons are us.
Anybody who's getting in the way of it, right?
Yeah.
They don't have an otherworld view or even that the world is originally good.
They have this.
The good world is yet to come and they are making it.
And that's a pretty sad.
Who said that?
Can you imagine being somebody who's having a complete emotional nervous breakdown at the idea that they might not have Joe Biden as president?
Yeah.
Joe Biden, like one of the most unimpressive people.
Like, come on.
Say it one more time.
Say Joe Biden one more time.
Joe Biden.
Just to really drive the point home.
Anyway.
Fantastic.
All right.
Well, yeah, we'll dig more into that and subscribe to Marshall.
There's some really good stuff coming after that.
I just want to encourage you, viewer, listener.
The world is good.
Yeah, the world is good.
No matter if right now Joe Biden has already been declared president and they're leading you into the gulag, the world is good.
Original realities.
Not future realizations.
We live in a creation.
And it is beautiful.
Yes.
All right.
You're a part of it.
Hate mail.
Hate mail.
That's a good transition.
I really miss Adam Ford.
All right.
This is a hate mail.
This is a tweet from a guy who says he's a USA retired something.
USA.
Like US Army, retired U.S. Army.
Okay.
So he shares our article.
AIDS forced to cut Mitch McConnell out of six pack of plastic rings again.
And he looks like a turtle.
He looks like a turtle.
That's the joke.
Did you see I like made his back look like a hump?
Oh, I didn't realize that.
I thought it was just like the camera was angling up at him.
It's like, anyway.
So he's an army guy.
Do we want to do an army?
Yeah, like a what is his name? Arlie Ermy or something?
Yeah, that guy.
What a bunch of stupid garbage.
What you think is humorous is juvenile.
Babylon is a good title for your rag, son.
He didn't say, son.
I asked him.
And then he tagged Mitch McConnell on it.
He's like, wow.
Come look at what these guys are saying about you.
It's such a dumb joke.
It's just weird that someone gets that upset about such a dumb joke.
It's such a stupid joke.
Yeah.
I like that they call it a rag.
A rag.
All right.
Now we have this is a love mail.
Oh, love mail.
But it's funny because most of the love mail we get is like from Christians or at least lifted me up.
Generally socially conservative.
You know, they're going to be like, hey, man.
And they're going to use kind language.
And this guy did not.
But he was very happy with the Babylon beat.
Love mail, baby.
But he was not.
So he got we sent him an email that we said we were calling attention to how Facebook squashed our post or actually deleted our post about uh senator hirono weighing acb against a duck.
We've been over this.
Um, and so he replied to this email.
Okay, and then I want you to read this one, Ethan.
Okay, holy flunk balls.
I will share this on FB and Twitter to see if I can get some of my cheap donkey friends to get on a sub to get a subscription.
Thanks, buddy.
Hey, thanks.
We were not making fun of you.
We really appreciate it.
Yeah, you ever get like a guy that shows up at like a small group or a Bible study.
That guy totally got like the bad mouth, and he's never just been around people that are offended by it.
It's the best.
Then there's the people that have never heard people talk like that that are in the group, and it's just the perfect clash.
I just imagine you're like at Bible study and you're like telling the story of Saul on the road to Damascus or something.
And then, you know, he was blinded by this light.
And this guy's sitting there like, holy f-balls.
That's freaking red, man.
Bible study is kind of awkwardly sitting there.
This Bible is the sh, isn't it?
We had a kid who had never been to church a day in his life that came to church with us one morning and they started doing communion and talking all the talk.
And all of a sudden, he just blurts out like, they're going to drink blood.
He really thought he's eight years old and he just freaked out.
His mom would have only said that, you know, those church people, watch out for them.
They're weird.
One time I was administering communion in the church that I led.
And I said, administering, you sound like a is that the right word?
I don't know.
So I was like, the bread represents the body of Christ beaten for you.
And I read the passage and stuff.
And then I go, and the blood represents.
And then I'm like, no, no, no.
The cup, the juice represents the blood.
I'm like, it's not actual blood.
And I just made it way worse by like, just say it's not actual blood.
It's just actually.
And I did one of those and it was bad.
It would be on the pastor blooper videos if anyone was filming it.
But I don't think anybody did, thankfully.
So, all right, this has been the Babylon Bee podcast.
If you want to join us in the subscriber lounge, you got to subscribe, go to babylonb.com/slash plans.
But Dave will tell you all that.
And it's actually going to be really great because we're going to go dive into the rest of this Chester Tennis.
Yeah.
And Yankee, is there any purely doing that?
We're just going to do the Chester Tennis.
Okay.
Sweet election special, you know.
Sounds good.
All right.
Peace out.
Until next week.
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Kyle and Ethan would like to thank Seth Dylan for paying the bills, Adam Ford for creating their job, the other writers for tirelessly pitching headlines, the subscribers, and you, the listener.