Trump Tweets The Bee/Jordan Peterson Returns/Facebook Kills Comedy News Show 10.23.2020
This is The Babylon Bee Weekly News Show for the week of 10/23/2020. In this episode of The Babylon Bee Podcast, Kyle and Ethan talk about the week's top stories like President Trump tweeting out a Babylon Bee story, Jordan Peterson returning with the 12 Rules For Life on stone tablets, and how Facebook is murdering comedy. The Babylon Bee also has some updated and more realistic travel posters to America's big cities. Tune in for more weird news, cool stories, a trip to the mailbag and, of course, glorious hate mail. Be sure to check out The Babylon Bee YouTube Channel for more podcasts, podcast shorts, animation, and more. To watch or listen to the full podcast, become a subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans. This episode is brought to you by Small Group The Movie. Introduction Kyle and Ethan joke about our recent spat with Mark Zuckerberg and dive into the weekly news. Stuff That's Good Kyle likes the 2018 video game Celeste. Ethan likes I survived... Weird News Space Station air leak repaired with help from floating tea leaves There was a slow air leak in a transfer chamber on the space station that suddenly got worse Astronauts broke open a tea bag to watch the leaves float toward where the leak was so they could use tape to seal it. 'Breathable Bacon' face mask gives wearers the aroma of bacon A U.S. company is offering fans of breakfast meats the chance to enjoy the scent of sizzling pork anytime they want with a bacon-scented face mask. Hormel said the Black Label Breathable Bacon mask uses the "the latest in bacon-smell technology" to give the wearer the experience of smelling bacon anytime they don the protection accessory. Do they make a soy version? Naked teen taken into custody after damaging business, covering himself in ranch dressing and crashing car. Sheriffs responded to a call at 3:30am and found a naked 17 year old man who was under the influence of a substance The man had covered himself in ranch dressing and damaged property inside the business He ran outside and drove off. Didn't get far and crashed into a pillar. He must do penance by covering himself in CFA sauce Tennessee teenager's homemade fusion reactor lands Guinness record the world's youngest person to achieve nuclear fusion after officials verified that he built his own nuclear fusion reactor at his family's home and successfully used it in his final hours of being 12 years old. Tony Stark? Blindfolded man smashes 50 coconuts around another man's body An Indian martial artist showed off his strength and precision when he donned a blindfold and smashed 50 coconuts that were arranged around the body of another man. They were given a Guinness World Record The men, Rakesh B and Prabhakar Reddy P, were awarded the Guinness record for most coconuts smashed around a person blindfolded in 1 minute. Kyle would like to protest these absolutely ridiculous records What's next? Most toothpicks covered in Crisco fit into a microwave? Story 1 Check Out These Eight Beautiful Travel Posters For America's Democrat-Controlled Cities Summary: U.S.—With people leaving Democrat cities in droves, mayors and city councils are hoping to fill them back up again -- with tourists! Maybe it's time to give these cities a second chance. Check out these beautiful tourism posters from Democrat-controlled cities around the country! Read the posters and the punchline, keep it tight, video version will display the posters Story 2 Trump Shares Babylon Bee Article, Thousands Accept Jesus Into Their Hearts Summary: WASHINGTON, D.C.—Thousands around the world are forsaking their sins and receiving Christ this week after Trump shared an article from The Babylon Bee. The Babylon Bee is widely known as the most Christian website ever created. In fact, it is so insanely Christian that a single share on social media has the power to instantly save hundreds of souls. According to sources, Trump was ignorant of this fact before sharing the article. USA TODAY: Trump tweets satirical news story: What is Babylon Bee and is it 'fake news'? The knowingly fake story came from Babylon Bee, a satire site with a conservative bent, and claimed, in jest, that Twitter was shutting down its platform to prevent the spread of negative news about Democratic nominee Joe Biden. "Wow, this has never been done in history. This includes his really bad interview last night. Why is Twitter doing this," Trump tweeted. Also mentioned: Video of Trump being normal guy at church in Las Vegas. Story 3 Jordan Peterson Returns To Find Americans Worshiping Golden Statue Of Karl Marx, Breaks 12 Rules For Life In Anger Summary: After a year-long excursion into the belly of the beast, Dr. Jordan Peterson emerged this week and was dismayed to find millions of Americans worshipping at the altar of a golden Karl Marx statue. Overtaken with righteous anger, he smashed his stone tablets containing 12 Rules for Life into tiny pieces. Jordan Peterson seems to be back posting to his YouTube channel a video entitled Return Home. He had been out of the public eye for a very long time with a severe reaction he had to a anti-anxiety medication he had been taking as prescribed but became chemically dependent upon when he tried to cease taking it He ended his video by saying, ""With God's grace and mercy, I'll be able to start generating original material once again and pick up where I left off." We are interviewing Mikhaila soon so stay tuned for that! Topic of the Week: Facebookgate and the challenges of writing comedy for the internet Facebook took down this facebook post Senator Hirono Demands ACB Be Weighed Against A Duck To See If She Is A Witch 'It's literally a regurgitated joke from a Monty Python movie!" the Bee's CEO exclaimed. Facebook completely deactivated any monetizing tools for us on their site. Kyle's tweet thread about this. What makes writing comedy for the internet difficult? How the articles are seen, shared, received, etc. It's like a comedy show where you can't talk to the audience directly. Instead, you must tell your jokes to Mark Zuckerberg. Then, he edits your joke and walks out to your audience and tells them the ones he finds appropriate. You're never sure if a "bomb" is your fault or Mark's. Check out Kyle's op-ed in Thursday's edition of the WSJ Kyle mentioned this Vulture article on how Facebook is killing comedy Funny or Die was thriving, then Facebook came along. They fired a bunch of their writers 'cause it was impossible to write for Facebook's algorithm. Every post throttled, etc. Hate Mail We get some very fiery Scottish rendition of this week's hate mail. Subscriber Lounge A more structured Subscriber Portion! Book updates and office updates Mailbag Mega Bonus Hate Mail Headline Forum Exclusive cool Ethan and Kyle stories Email your cool stories for subscriber exclusive reading to podcast@babylonbee.com
In a world of fake news, we bring you up-to-the-minute factual inaccuracy and a heavy dose of moral truth.
With your hosts, Kyle Mann and Ethan Nicole.
This is the Babylon Bee.
Fake news you can trust.
Welcome, everybody, to the Babylon Bee Podcast.
Kyle.
Ethan.
This is the podcast that incites the most violence of all podcasts on the internet.
It incites a lot of words, and words are violence.
This is true.
Because we talk a lot.
Yeah.
Which is weird because we don't talk a lot until we do a podcast.
We just quietly sit and think.
Judge people.
Do we judge people?
And it builds up.
Speak for yourself, man.
I don't judge anybody.
I think all comedians judge people.
That's how you get to comedy.
You have to have a grumpy old man inside.
You had the Seinfeld quote.
He said, every comedian has like a little grumpy old man in him that's just judging everything.
Yeah.
And you release that pressure on everybody that wants to voice it.
And they go, yeah.
Yeah, that's dumb.
That's what I think too.
I guess I see it more as just a general contrarianism or like always trying to find that third angle.
So you just dress it up with fancy words.
Yeah.
But it's just being a grumpy man.
Yeah.
Just being grumpy.
Being a grumpy old man.
So we're going to talk a little bit this episode about how we did get accused of inciting violence.
That's true.
And we'll see if you agree with Mark Zuckerberg himself knocked on our door.
How's he talk?
I do believe you've incited violence.
That's how I assume he would talk.
Hey guys.
Hey guys.
I just saw this post that you put up where there's like a there's this duck and suggesting that they want to burn her.
The duck?
I just wanted to say that you guys are just probably inciting violence.
Something like that.
Yeah.
So yeah, your ability to make money.
We're just going to get rid of that.
We're just going to turn that off.
Yeah.
So just a little.
All right.
See ya.
Thanks guys.
You guys got any sonny D?
Yeah.
I don't know.
You guys have Caprice?
Can I use your bathroom real quick?
And then what's his like really lame, like see you later that he thinks like that all the cool kids say?
He's like, all right, guys.
Or he goes in for the handshake and kind of like, okay.
And then this wave.
Then he turns and he walks into the closet or the, I don't know, the wrong door.
Yeah, it exits that way.
Yeah.
Or he just hangs there and thinking like maybe we'll watch a movie or something.
He doesn't get the like, maybe you can go.
That gets done.
We're done here.
Sorry, guys.
So you guys want to hang out with Mark Zuckerberg tonight?
Hang out?
Library created this entire character caricature of Mark Zuckerberg.
We know nothing about him other than he owns Facebook.
I know that for a while he drove like the Honda Civic hatchback, even after he was a billionaire.
He still lived in like the little two bedroom house and drove around in this little hatchback.
That was like the big thing about him is he never got the big car and stuff.
But I bet by now.
He's probably by now.
It's got to be.
I want to know.
Yeah, you're that.
You got that much money.
That's your haircut.
That's always weird to me.
Yeah.
That's so weird.
You assume you can be working and have a personal person that just sits there waiting until your hair has grown exactly to where it should be.
And then they walk up and just do it.
And then they go back and sit down and then they wait.
You could probably just get like perma hair installed at that point.
That's true.
Like yeah, chia pet.
Yeah, chia pet.
Yeah.
Not one of those things.
Hire a gardener.
Yeah, that's that's still gross.
To keep up with Ethan's word association sometimes, speaking of weird, we're gonna do some stuff that's good, yeah.
Stuff that's good, but now this week's edition of stuff that's good.
Speaking of, speaking of, my uh four-year-old now has discovered the phrase speaking of, but he has no idea how to use it, so he just goes like, Oh, dad, speaking of couches, I want a cookie.
All right, so my stuff that's good this week, I'm gonna decide right now.
I put two things on here.
Um, I'm gonna recommend Celeste, which is Celeste.
Is that a person?
A video game.
Okay, it's a one of those indie side-scrolling games, pixel art.
So it looks like something it looks like a really uh higher technology, prettier version of something you would have played on the Super Nintendo.
And it's got great music, kind of that 8-bit sound, although it's not technically 8-bit.
I know, nerds, I know.
But it's fantastic.
It's kind of like Super Meatboy.
Have you ever played Super Meatboy, where you just have these like screens?
Like a particular screen is really hard to get through, like a Mega Man screen, except you always get to respawn at the start of the screen.
So it's like, I try to do it, I die, try to do it, I die, try to do it.
You get infinite lives to just try over and over until you get to the next screen.
I just picture like a woman who works at the DMV when I hear the name Celeste.
Hey, um, hey guys, Celeste here, something like that, yeah, just an unassuming, you know, she just she might have like kind of crimped blonde hair, thick glasses, and she wears just kind of just kind of nice.
She drives like a LeBaron, and there's just her name's Celeste.
She likes her lattes.
How can I help you today?
She has to have a lot of stuff.
I just got a picture of the DMV.
Yeah, so I'm trying to connect with your Celeste.
I don't know.
Hi.
Hi, guys.
How you doing?
Yeah.
You're the DV.
Your soul is dead.
So she wouldn't hardly talk.
Next.
Registration.
Registration, please.
Anyway, it's very cool.
And it's fun, and I like it quite a bit.
So I'm checking out.
Cool.
So this show is not for everybody, but I have this show that I'm hooked on.
And the embarrassing part of it is that it's on the Lifetime channel now.
It wasn't when I started watching it.
It was on Amazon.
But it's now on the Lifetime app.
I found there's new episodes or there's since I've watched it.
So if you're interested in like you meet somebody and they went through a crazy experience where they almost died, like someone almost murdered them or tried to or some crazy like that.
The show called I Survived.
Dot dot dot ellipse.
I survived ellipse.
They decided to add an ellipse to their title.
It's weird, but they went for it.
And it's just people, like, it's usually like three stories.
They kind of like go between them.
And a lot of the stories are like pretty, they're graphic.
They don't, but there's no imagery.
It's just a person telling it.
I kind of break to they don't even do reenactments.
It's very kind of it's almost like a podcast plus in a way.
Like there's no interviewer you can hear, but they're just telling their story of how like this psycho tried to kill them or they got stuck in the mountains or something.
But like they're very intense stories and I have a fascination with those stories because they made it out.
So like they're telling this from the other side of the thing that everybody wonders what would I do in that situation.
So it's a good show.
I pulled a vending machine on top of myself.
When, but I survived.
I don't know.
I'm just trying to do it, like that kind of thing.
No, a lot of them are pretty horrible.
Like there's a girl who got like attacked.
She was like a teenager and she got attacked by this basically like a psycho.
He like hit her in the head with a sledgehammer and then cut her arms off a hatchet, cut her arms off with a hatchet.
And he thought she's dead, but she crawled out and like survived and like got they got the guy.
But now she has missing arms.
So, like I said, it's warning.
It's a true story.
It's insane.
So, no vending machine.
No vending machine.
Trying to think there's a good, yeah, there's no.
It's like I said, it's pretty dark because it's people going through some pretty bad stuff.
So, if you play the video game, Celeste, and you're feeling happy because it's so peppy and such great cartoony art, and you want to feel more down.
Yeah.
Watch I Survive.
Yeah, it's a weird.
I feel like I watched a best.
There's a few shows like this, so I'm not sure.
I've seen that specific.
There's a few shows like that.
That one's pretty good because it's pretty.
It's just not, they don't have like the stupid, I don't know, narrator.
Carol thought the night was going to be normal.
Then she had a date with disaster.
Everyone thought Mr. Jones was just an ordinary husband.
What they didn't know is a lifetime.
He wasn't just bringing back the groceries, he was bringing back two bags of murder.
Bags of murder.
That's the name of the episode.
That's beautiful.
Okay, let's do some weird news.
This has been stuff that's good.
This news is weird.
Space station air leak repaired with help from floating tea leaves.
So there's air leaks.
You don't want leaking air in a space station.
This is correct.
Why?
Well, because then you run out of air and then you die.
Oh, because you have air that you make.
Oxygen.
Yeah.
It's fake air.
Well, it's real.
I think it's recirculated.
Okay, and then it goes out of a hole.
You don't want that hole there.
That's correct.
So it's like when you have a hole in your pool, your kids are playing, and all of a sudden the pool starts to deflate.
You're like, oh, crap.
Where's the hole?
Nobody's going to find these holes.
So next time you get a hole in your pool, take some tea leaves, float them in there, and then it'll start to float towards the hole.
That's basically.
Unless the holes in the outside.
That's the hard part with pools, but with a space station, you rip open.
Oh, like an air hole?
Is that what you're saying?
Yeah, an air hole.
Okay.
Yeah, because we have these inflatable water.
It's cheap.
We don't have water.
We don't have a real pool like you, Mr. Well, mine's above ground, high and mighty.
Okay.
Settle down.
Oh, is it?
Oh, okay.
Settle down spark.
The picture looked really big and like.
Okay.
But it's above ground.
Okay.
It's like the biggest above ground you can get before you're like, like, we're wondering why the previous owners didn't just go with the below ground because you're like, oh, it was already there?
It was already there.
Yeah.
Is it like they built a whole deck around?
Is it made of like plastic or is it like metal?
It's like a permanent trough pool.
But then it's like, why didn't you just.
That's how white trash my family is.
Like we went to visit and the kids like playing at pools, so they bought a giant like a horse trough and they played in that.
It makes a good pool.
It's a cheap pool, yeah.
Why not?
Oh, yeah.
But anyway, the space station, so they took out some tea leaves.
Like they ripped open a bag of tea and lipped and it went and they followed the leaves and shoot.
And then they used some captain tape.
What's captain tape?
K-A-P-T-O-May they called upon Captain Tape.
And he came and he's like, tape.
I just pasted something in there, ignore it.
It was an act.
I'm ignoring it.
Yeah, Captain Tape.
They called Captain Tape.
Yeah, sure, whatever.
I guess.
Breathable bacon face mask gives wearers the aroma of bacon.
It's on my edge of my seat there first.
Yeah.
So if you like breathing bacon, then this mat.
This is the mask for you.
A U.S. company is offering fans of breakfast meats, specifically bacon.
I don't know if they have a sausage mask.
The chance to enjoy the scent of sizzling pork anytime they want with a bacon-scented face mask.
So breakfast meats, because that's just bacon.
I mean, they don't have a country-fried steak mask.
Yeah.
Biscuits and gravy mask.
Yeah.
So.
Grits mask.
You know, I didn't know what grits were.
I ordered some.
Yeah, I never got the, there's certain things that people eat out there in the kind of south area.
I don't understand the appeal.
It's like oatmeal with less taste.
Yeah, and then what about scrapple?
You had scrapple?
I have no idea what that is.
Sounds like it's.
It's like a weird layer of fat that got left over from cooking, and people just eat it like it's a delicate.
It's like jell-o, but made from animals.
Or no, I guess jell-o is kind of made from animals, is it?
I don't know where it comes from.
Aliens?
Ask Bill Costner.
Oh, yeah, he would know.
Maybe.
No, it's like some weird layer of like, it's kind of like, yeah, weird fatty stuff or something.
I don't know.
So supposedly this mask uses the latest in bacon smell technology.
So anytime you wear it, you can just smell bacon all the time.
I'm wondering if they make a kosher version.
I like that there's the latest in bacon smell technology.
There is a lab somewhere with guys who have a PhD in bacon smell.
We're on the cutting edge.
We're on the cutting edge here.
This is the latest.
Like they're watching as the guy tries it and they're like, sir, what you're about to experience involves decades of research.
What does this smell like?
I guess it smells like bacon.
That's right.
That's us.
That's what we do.
That's why we're here.
I wonder if you wore it long enough, wouldn't you just like, wouldn't it wear off?
And do they just take, I want to know, do they just take face masks, rub bacon on them, and then sell them?
Yeah, wouldn't that be better in terms of bacon smelling technology?
Nothing's better than the real thing.
Yeah.
Like double line your mask with bacon.
You could just put bacon.
Or a mask just made from bacon.
From bacon.
Just cut out the middle mask.
You could just eat bacon and not wear a mask.
Yeah, well, that's the nice thing about, you know, so generally society accepts if you're eating, you can take your mask off.
So just slowly eat bacon all day.
Yeah, so they should just forget the mask and just give you bacon.
They do have bacon jerky.
Have you ever had the bacon jerky?
Yeah, it's just kind of like bacon.
It tastes kind of like raw bacon or like uncooked.
It's not raw.
I think it's like yeah.
There's got to be some crunch to the bacon.
Yeah, I feel like the crunch is there.
But you could just slowly carry around that and eat it all day.
Naked teen taken into custody after damaging a business.
Okay, that's kind of weird.
Covering himself in ranch dressing in crashing car.
That's the funny part.
The ranch dressing.
The ranch dressing is the wild card.
Everything else was just pretty normal.
Damaging business.
Yeah, he could have been any protester.
This is just a normal.
He could have been standing up for Black Lives Matter until the ranch dressing came in.
Yeah.
And then you.
Oh, okay.
Oh, wait a minute.
This is off.
He was a naked 17-year-old man under the influence of a.
Are you a man at 17?
Ma'am?
It says man.
I guess if you commit a crime, you're a man, right?
If you murder somebody.
So he committed the crime of ranch indecent ranch.
They did ranch exposure.
The man covered himself in ranch.
I'm more of a blue cheese guy.
I like ranch.
He ran outside and drove off, didn't get far and crashed into a pillar.
A pillar.
Yeah.
A pillar of the community.
Like there's an old guy standing out there.
I'm the pillar of this community.
That was our pillar of the community.
It's just a big pillar.
Yeah.
There are a ranch man.
Ronza Duvum.
But did he, okay, was he driving and it was pouring ranch on himself that caused the crash.
Ah, ranch, ranch, ranch.
Or did he crash and he's like, ranch, look, Or was he running out of the restaurant?
Was he in a restaurant?
I don't see him.
I assumed he was in a restaurant because he had ranch dressing.
Where did he get the ranch?
We could read the stories ahead of time.
Damaging business.
What is the business he damaged?
He covered himself in ranch dressing, damaged property.
It was a deli, it looks like.
Okay.
Cover himself ranch just in damage properties that just ran outside, drove off, and then ran into the pillar.
So he covered himself with a ranch first.
Yeah.
So the order was ranch.
Okay, so he's sitting in the restaurant and he's just pouring ranch.
Is he maybe at the salad bar and he keeps grabbing ladle and dumping it on himself?
And he's not breaking icons.
Because he doesn't have the bottle because he's at the restaurant.
He's at Delhi.
Or do they give him the little cup of ranch and he keeps asking for like he dumps a little bit on himself?
I am on the record as being opposed to Guinness records, but I will grant an exception for this one.
I think you deserve a Guinness record.
Is that hard?
I don't know anything about fusion reactors.
I think it's hard.
I always think about if we lost all the technology and everything, like restart and I'm on like an island or something, like I wouldn't be able to recreate anything.
I wouldn't be able to make a hammer.
You know?
You just tie a stick to a rock.
But I don't see it just like fuck.
Like you think about all the things I couldn't do.
Yeah, it wouldn't hold together.
Like I would not be able to recreate society.
No.
You'd be able to recreate the portion you've created now, which is the Babylon D.
I could create a crucial.
No, I can't even do a website because I don't even know how it works.
Oh, yeah.
And you can do a podcast.
Help them.
I can't do anything.
That's what I'm saying.
You had no technology.
But you'd be fun to be around because you're a funny guy.
And we're all sitting on the island and I'm like, I'm the leader of the island.
And then this kid comes up.
I just made a nuclear reactor.
Nuclear fusion.
Shut up, Tony Stark.
Does that mean he can create like Chernobyl, but a good version?
I mean, that's my reference point.
What's the good version of Chernobyl?
It works.
Nobody dies.
A nuclear reactor that doesn't explode?
Yeah.
Yeah, that would be the good thing.
Those exist.
Yeah, those do exist.
I just don't know the names of them.
Like all of them, except like two.
Isn't that sad?
The one nuclear plant we know about is the one that exploded.
Yeah, well, I ended up with Fukushima or whatever.
Watch your fucking.
I don't know what that is.
Fuka something.
You know the one in Japan that's kind of like still bleeding radiation.
Was there an HBO special about it?
Well, I'll find one.
I don't know about them.
And then you'll know.
Remember the big earthquake?
It's right on the coast because the ocean water cools it.
I've heard about it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm too busy to, yeah, I'm American.
I don't hear about stuff.
Blindfolded man smashes 50 coconuts around another man's body.
Now this headline.
This is another Guinness record.
Yeah, we'll talk about that in a second.
But this headline doesn't quite do justice.
So there's a man lying on the ground.
There's another man holding a big sledgehammer.
And he is swinging bashing coconuts.
Yeah.
Oh, no, they put flour in his eyes and then they put a big black thing over his head.
So like to prove that he couldn't see out.
Yeah.
He opened his eyes.
He'd get a bunch of like dust in his eyes.
It's like white flour salt or something.
It's like packed in.
It's like white powder.
Yeah.
Cocaine, maybe.
That's the official Guinness records method.
Yeah.
For blindfolding someone.
But yeah, there's a guy.
Yeah, you grit your teeth watching this video.
Just swings and if I was like, if you could see it's dangerous, because he's slamming these coconuts right by this guy's body with a giant sledgehammer.
Rapid fire.
You can see the guy kind of twitching on the ground.
And then they play this like really intense matrix music while he does it.
So Rakish B and Prabhakar Red EP were awarded the Guinness record for most coconuts smashed around a person blindfolded in one minute.
I am on the record against Guinness Records.
This one does not count in my book.
It doesn't count.
You just made something up.
Has it ever been done before this?
That's what I'm saying.
We did the most.
We did the most coconut smashed around a guy.
And I thought that Guinness didn't allow things that put people in danger.
This seems like it puts somebody in.
This seems like it puts somebody in pretty bad danger.
Well, a lot of Guinness records put people in danger, right?
Like if you're swimming across the English channel or something.
I mean.
Yeah, maybe.
Because there's that guy.
There's this guy who tried to beat the Guinness World Records for the longest fast.
Yeah.
And he was a fat guy who did an Amazon special about himself.
It's a documentary that's an Amazon.
So he did the whole movie.
He got to the end where he beat out and he got to like over 90 days or something or some crazy amount of time.
And his whole goal was to lose weight, too.
He actually didn't lose that much weight.
Like his body was like, all right, well, you got all this fat.
We'll just hold on to this so you can survive.
And then he got to the end and found out that the Guinness Berkeley World Records doesn't accept that one because he put people in danger.
So they canceled that one.
It's like, what?
Should have looked that up first.
Yeah, so nothing that harms anyone.
So they wouldn't give you like most people shot.
Like if you went off.
Worst rapist.
You always go to rape.
We've referenced rape like in the last three episodes.
Just be weird to reference to reward that.
I think that would be counterproductive, yes.
But it's a record, right?
You can do anything.
That's what I'm seeing.
Like right now, we are doing the longest podcast ever recorded in this office with a picture of Kevin Sorbo on the desk.
This is probably.
Well, we've probably already.
I don't know how many people have.
Well, nobody has that specific picture of Kevin Sorbo's bad inscription.
Longest podcast ever recorded with Guinness Book of World Records right now.
Put us in there.
I'm going to say the word fruit bath.
Fruit bath.
Yeah.
Most times of anybody in the world.
Yeah, and you could probably do it.
Within a minute.
Yeah.
All right.
Stories of the week.
Stories of the week.
Every week, there are stories.
These are some of them.
The Babylon Bee has created some beautiful travel posters we wanted to show you.
If you're on audio, we will describe them to you in loving detail.
Loving tender detail.
These are travel posters for some of America's biggest cities.
Biggest cities, which also happen to be run by mostly Democrats.
This is true.
Coincidentally.
And are these going to be on our story, Ethan?
Someday.
Someday.
Once Ethan finishes putting them on.
So basically, we tried to do this a long time ago and Ethan got busy drawing cartoons.
Well, you gave me this, yeah, these posters to do like eight posters.
And I just can't like, I can't half.
You can't half donkey them.
I can't half donkey this stuff.
I can kind of half, but they made these posters, and I would be fine, but they made them too small, low resolution.
They wouldn't even print.
So you could at least half donkey, but at the right resolution.
I didn't even think about it.
So now I have to completely recreate all of them.
I didn't even think about selling them.
And I got to make them better.
As soon as we put them up, all the replies.
Where can I buy these?
I've learned, though, on the internet, people say that.
Yeah, I think these.
That's like 15 people.
I'm going for these ones.
We'll see.
Okay, you believe in it.
I believe it.
Okay, here's the first one.
Portland.
What can we do?
We get us like a travel experience Portland.
Yeah, it's like.
You can admire the pedestals where statues used to be.
So, yeah, there's just a pedestal empty.
There's nothing there because they knocked on all might be some broken feet.
I do like the idea of people going to Portland and be like, hey, we're going to go check out the statue of the famous settler Judd Kababan.
And then they go look at this historic statue and it's just gone.
Yeah.
There should be a map.
There should be a tourist map of here's the ones that are left.
Yeah, the few left standing.
You would use those.
That'd be for Antiva.
This is the last remaining statue in Portland.
Get them, boys.
What?
Get him.
Chicago.
You can star in your very own murder mystery.
Usually, in a murder mystery, are you the murdered guy?
I think you guess I don't know in those murder mystery games, you know, murder mystery party that people are.
I've never done one of those.
Have you done one?
There's like a train you can get on the train to be part of a murder mystery in the train.
But probably the actors from an actor.
Yeah, it's a community theater actors thing.
Yeah, in Chicago, it's way more realistic.
Yeah, because you just because it's there's just they have their own.
They don't have to hire them, they do it for free.
Yeah, just murder.
And they probably have a Guinness record for them.
Yeah, probably some Guinness record holders.
Most murders.
Most stabbings in a dark alley.
Wow.
Goes to stabbing Steve.
Oh, stabby Steve.
He's got a lucky stabbing knife.
Here's the one for Seattle.
Tour beautiful Seattle, where you can experience the ancient ruins.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Where you can explore the ancient ruins of Chaz.
Join us on a safari.
Do you think they'll do this?
Like rope off areas?
Yeah, right here.
You ride in like a tram, and there's like a little screen, and like Jimmy Kimmel comes up or somebody.
Like, oh.
Hey, guys.
Hey, guys.
Jimmy Kimmel here.
I don't know what he tells me.
What's the joke?
I don't know what the joke is.
Over here, you can find where they once bustling, thriving community of Chaz.
This is the very booth where they made their riot ribs.
Remember the Riot Ribs?
I remember the bags of Sprite.
And here are the bags of Sprite.
It's the bags of Sprite.
Now, this is just a recreation.
The real ones are long gone.
Yeah.
So what was the Bags of Sprite deal in Chaz?
It's just like somebody, I guess they decided because they wanted to share it and they didn't have cups.
So they just put a bunch of Sprite and Ziploc bags.
And then somebody made a sign that said, Bags of Sprite.
It's part of their utopia they created.
They had free bags of sprite.
The picture of people like, what do you like?
Puncture it and just chug it like a cow udder or something?
Like, what?
How do you drink a bag of sprite?
Oh, my gosh.
I totally forgot about all this stuff about chaz.
Oh, there's the garden.
The colored-only garden.
Only for indigenous and BIPOC or whatever.
BIPOC.
It's only for BIPOC.
And they had like all these cardboards and just like sprinkled dirt all over it.
So it's like look, it's like touring, you know, like Jim Crow South.
There's like signs up for only people of color can do this.
Look at this old sign here.
Wow, look at these old days.
Sorry that I lost it.
And then there's a couple of probably a couple chalk outlines because we know that Chaz kind of ended in some death.
Yeah, there's probably some of those.
So more record holders.
And yeah.
Oh, man.
My head hurts.
My head hurts.
I know you left hearted that.
I just pictured the bags of sprite.
There's something funny about the sign that it's so authoritative.
Like that's a normal thing to put on a table.
Like take a bag, leave a bag.
Bags of sprite.
Ah, my head.
It hurts.
I think it's your dread.
Is it?
Oh, yeah.
San Francisco.
Beautiful.
San Francisco.
Climb the majestic mountains of poo.
I'm sorry.
I'm still thinking about the bugs of sprite.
The joke is that there's poop in San Francisco.
There's lots of poop in San Francisco.
Explore Baltimore.
You can find rodents of unusual size.
Is that referring to anything real?
I guess Baltimore is like infested with rats.
Remember when Trump was going back and forth with that senator?
I think he ended up dying, didn't he?
Or a congressman that I think died recently?
Or he was going back and forth with them about rats.
And he's like, oh, yeah.
The city's full of rats.
Rats.
Is he talking about humans or animals?
I think he was talking about humans.
I mean, animals.
I think a lot of Americans, when you mention Baltimore, they think that you're talking about somewhere in Europe or something.
It just doesn't sound American.
It doesn't sound like a real place.
Baltimore.
Hey come from Baltimore.
Is that a Baltimorean accent?
But the funny thing was that Trump did.
Trump said, oh, there's rats in crime there.
And then all the liberals were forced to say, actually, Baltimore is a utopia.
And it's like, clearly not.
It's like Trump says something way too crazy.
Yeah.
And the other side just goes as crazy on the other side.
Yeah, that was like the China virus.
Well, the China virus thing started.
You can't say so.
They're out in Chinatown in New York.
The food's good.
They're eating in front of a camera.
Eating Chinatown.
I lick the China virus.
Yeah, I love it.
I lick the streets.
Oh, look, a bottle of urine.
Perfectly clean.
Perfect.
Bag of Sprite.
Bag of Sprite.
Half open.
I trust it.
Did you read that one?
I did.
New York.
Relaxing.
New York.
Stay in our pristine nursing homes.
Yeah, that's it.
Lots of space.
Lots of empty space.
Yeah, lots of vacancy.
Did you see Governor Kumo released a book already about his defeat of the coronavirus?
I defeated that.
He's standing there like Clark Candama to take off his glasses and show everybody what a hero he is.
And when did they start this?
He must have started writing it like in the middle of it.
Oh, this is going to be big, guys.
I got to write a book.
He got the ghostwriter on it.
You know, he didn't write a word of it.
Of course.
It's called American Crisis: Leadership Lessons from the COVID-19 Pandemic.
It's so weird that he has gotten so many brownie points for a disaster.
We should write some funny Amazon reviews of it.
I just think of him and his brother as just being like nostrils and teeth.
That's all I see.
Just nostrils and teeth with like a little bit of eyes.
I'm reading through the Amazon reviews of his book.
One star.
A heartfelt and caring look at how it feels to murder people through bureaucratic ineptitude.
Is that real?
Yeah.
Sad.
Man.
Five stars.
It seems to be a good book.
Can't wait to read this.
What?
Purchased in Canada.
Wow.
So some Canadian.
All right.
Yeah.
Wait, what are we doing?
Oh, posters.
Next one.
See the swamps of Washington, D.C. You can meet new people.
Like this guy who's shouting at you while you're trying to eat with a megaphone.
But you're not eating with a megaphone.
He's shouting at you with a megaphone while you're trying to eat.
Yeah.
Is that referring to like Nick Sandman or is there other stuff?
No, it was activism.
In general.
It was the that was where people were marching around while people were dining.
Oh, there you go.
Oh, that was in D.C. Remember that lady was sitting there on the bench and they all went around and were like, say the words.
Say the words.
Greatest in the air.
Yeah.
What's wrong with you?
Ah!
Disturbing.
Drink the sprite.
To prove you're one of us.
Drink this old bag of sprite.
The old bag of sprite.
I'm sorry, I'm stuck on this.
The old sprite sack.
Picture in the advertisement now.
Sprite, now in bags.
Now in Ziploc.
Sprite and Ziploc have teamed up to bring you.
Like Milk in Canada.
Yeah, exactly.
Los Angeles.
Escape to Los Angeles.
Just a big black square.
It's just.
It's just dark.
It's just dark.
There's no electricity.
That's the joke.
That's the joke.
I like how well these come off in audio when you have to explain.
So there's this black poster.
Get it?
I like how some of the commenters were like, you made me feel smart.
I had to read and think about that one.
This one says, Los Angeles is blank.
Like they think there was a typo.
Just so you guys know, you uploaded a blank poster.
By the way, if you want to comment on articles in the Babylon B, become a subscriber.
You can comment.
Join our community.
I reply.
Ethan doesn't, but I do.
Sometimes.
You do?
I haven't seen you.
Very rarely.
We need to do a subscriber.
I always check in when there's like a gazillion firsts, and I'm like, ah, forget it.
Yeah, you get a badge if you're the first to comment, which is a terrible idea.
Terrible idea.
First.
Washington, D.C., thousands around the world are forsaking their sins and receiving Christ this week after Trump shared an article from the Babylon Bee.
Do we need to say this?
The Babylon Bee is widely known as the most Christian website ever created.
Yeah.
I almost wrote this article as Trump accepts Jesus into his heart.
And then proof of his salvation.
And then we went the other way.
And then Trump was seen in Vegas.
Did you see that video where he's in Vegas at the church?
I saw the Babylon Bee joke about it.
And he pulls like 20s out of his pocket and he sits there and he's like waiting for the offering play.
And he's like, oh, drops it in there.
And he's like doing this.
He's like closing his eyes and raising it.
So almost a problem is Epha Phil, but I went the wrong direction with the joke.
Sad.
That's a beautiful video, by the way.
If you want to go look up the video of Trump in the Vegas church, Trump in the worship.
He's just sitting there and he looks like any normal person in church.
He's like looking around.
And then they announce they're doing the offering and he starts going like feeling for his wallet.
He pulls out the water cash and he's like counting it like, and then he's like awkwardly holding it while he waits for the bucket to come.
I would hate if I had a camera on me during that.
It's fantastic.
You get out the money.
It's so awkward.
And then the guy with the bucket comes and Trump's like, oh, and then he's like looking at him like, do I need to do anything else?
Do I need to sign anything?
You know, and they're like, you're good.
Do I get a receipt?
And he's like, oh, it's just fantastic.
So anyway, look up that video.
Okay.
But Trump shared an article from the Babylon B. Right.
And this was a big one because he shared a couple.
Now he's retweeted some, yes.
Yeah, he's in some retweets.
So this is the first time he's done a comment on it, right?
I think.
I think, yeah, this is the first one he's actually publicly like that.
A quote tweet.
Yeah.
So he took it.
And what he did in the quote is what really.
Okay, so I wake up Friday morning.
Let me paint a picture for you.
I wake up on Friday morning.
I always check my phone, kind of look at how the site's doing, what the views are doing.
We have three to four times our usual views.
Yeah, it's like 6 a.m.
Which is a lot.
And I'm like, what the heck?
Like, oh no.
Something bad happened, dude.
It's usually either something horrible happened or like some article went crazy viral or somebody thought something was really a yeah.
So I'm looking at it.
That's just kind of maybe what happened.
So I go, I'm like, oh no.
Tons of tech.
I got text from my brother, text from my family.
I've got a bunch of Slack messages from her.
I was on a huge animation deadline that day, and I kept seeing him pop up, and I'm just like, I can't.
So you're just staring at the guy.
Did you even know that it happened?
I got glimpses of it.
I could see the first thing in the morning.
Saw, I think I actually saw his tweet because it said, you know, you get notifications when approved account or, you know, certain counts.
Or I saw people responding to him or something.
They were just like moving on my phone.
Like, my phone was just getting notifications.
Like, it didn't have a chance to rest.
Yeah, that's crazy.
So, Trump tweeted this story: Twitter shuts down entire network to slow spread of negative Biden news.
We put that up right after Twitter came back because Twitter went down for a couple hours right when they were trying to shut down the whole Hunter Biden story.
Right.
And they were literally blocking it.
Like, I tried to retweet it.
You couldn't.
I never would have shared it.
New York tried.
New York Post still locked out of their account.
Wow.
Which is insane.
And so we did this joke that, well, they tried to shut down the Biden story.
Everyone was sharing it.
And they just shut Twitter down for a couple hours.
They shut down the whole network.
We posted it.
Trump goes, shares it, and he says, via the Babylon B. Wow, this has never been done in history.
This includes it.
Wait, I got to do like a, I can't do a Trump voice.
Yeah, I don't know how to do that.
Wow, this has never been done in history.
This includes his really bad interview last night.
Why is Twitter doing this?
Bringing more attention to Sleepy Joe and Big T. Is he Big T?
Who's Big T?
I meant Big Tech.
No, it's Big Te Oh, Big Tech.
Must be Big Tech.
Is it?
Is that what we're thinking?
Or is that a rapper, Big T?
It sounds like Sleepy Joe and Big T live at the Glass House.
I don't know.
Sleepy Joe and Big T.
It's big T time.
I'm going to search Google for Sleepy Joe and Big T.
That sounds like a TV show.
Big T?
Sleepy Joe and Big T. Sleepy Joe and Big T, The Adventures.
So then he clarified it later, and everyone's like, Is he going to clarify this is satire?
And he clarified it and totally didn't clarify it at all.
Oh, really?
I didn't see that one.
He just like shared it again and just had more comments about oh, really?
Yeah, I missed that completely like a lot of people talking about this.
I suspected that he just like because we know that he knows of the Babylon D.
He shared it before.
We have talked to people that work with him and they've told us he likes it.
My assumption is that he just was on the I think that he thinks in this like stream of consciousness way that when he's like he looked at this story about the general topic of what happened on Twitter.
He shares and he just starts talking about what happened on Twitter.
That's that's my sense of it, but maybe he really thinks they did it.
I don't know.
I wouldn't be surprised.
I'm not trying to jump to his defense.
Yeah, there were the two responses where Trump was Trump was a master troll and he was trolling the left by sharing the satire article.
The other side was like, he's totally fooled.
Yeah.
You're probably closer to the truth that he's just sharing this article.
And then maybe even if he realized it was satire after he posted it or whatever, like, I don't think he didn't go, oh, I'm an idiot.
This is way off.
And he thought the satire was talking about a general thing, which was pretty insane.
The whole Hunter Biden news story, New York Post thing, that was really weird.
I mean, that was shocking to me.
And to be fair, the article might be true.
Right.
It's quite possible that she.
Could you imagine the opposite?
Like, imagine a news story comes out from some news company about one of Trump's kids.
And it's like saying, oh, they did crack and they did this and they had something that's going to ruin Trump.
Like to block it for that social media company to actually block the link.
That's insane.
Right?
Think of it in the other way makes it sound like, well, this is like police state insanity.
But we accept it because it's like, oh, well, it's just the left.
That's what they, you know, that's what they do.
It's absolutely insane.
Yeah.
They are so afraid of repeating the 2016 election where they say, oh, this Russian propaganda was spread across our platform.
They always see the end of Hillary's campaign as when they did the whole email, the WikiLeaks email thing.
I think that was in October, too, when all the email stuff came out about her.
And so I think they're just desperate.
And it had a huge Streisand effect.
I never would have heard about it.
I don't know if I would have heard about the story.
I never would have thought about trying to post it.
I know.
But I was just curious.
I'm like, I literally want to share a link and I can't.
And I went to share it and it said that this link is found to be, they made it sound like it was like, you're going to get hacked if you share it or something.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
This is dangerous.
It's a dangerous link.
It's insane.
And they still haven't put any info for it that shows that it was like.
Yeah, there's no, I've never found anything that says it's proving it's false.
They're not even trying.
They're not even responding to the claims of it.
They would never do that for a Trump story.
Oh, I know.
I mean, they've taken the most outlandish, even Kavanaugh, like just the craziest stories.
Oh, yeah, share them.
There's never been this where it's like, no, that's it.
I'm voting for Trump.
It is literally that kind of stuff that makes me want to vote for Trump.
I know.
That's what I'm saying.
It's like, if you're going to do that, screw you.
I'm voting for Trump just because that's messed up.
Next story.
You are radicalizing guys like me that just want to.
Calm down, Ethan.
We're going on to the next story.
Story three.
Trump.
No, sorry.
Trump.
Yeah.
After a year-long excursion into the belly of the beast, Dr. Jordan Peterson emerged this week and was dismayed to find millions of Americans worshiping at the altar of a golden Karl Marx statue.
Overtaken with righteous anger, he smashed his stone tablets containing 12 rules for life into tiny pieces.
Hey there, Bucko.
I can't do his voice.
Hey there, Bucko.
Woe unto thee, eh? Dr. Peterson said.
Yeah, I got to do more of the great sin, and I don't find any of these behaviors to be particularly useful.
Did any of you even make your bed this morning?
You're simply not worthy to receive my 12 rules for life.
It's not good.
For this grave sin, Lord knows it's a bloody catastrophe.
You should all drink bitter waters.
This is important negative feedback to help you avoid the self-destructive behavior and grow incompetence.
Right now, you're of no bloody use to anyone, and nobody wants that.
Very good?
There's no Seamus.
There's no Seamus.
No Seamus.
Yeah, he kills it.
But if we ever need JP for a video, I'll do it.
All right.
So I guess.
I do love this one.
I didn't know you guys had this one, and I just, it popped in my feet.
It's one of I even shared and liked it.
Oh, nice.
That makes me happy.
I'm too much of a snob to share Babylon B articles here.
Yeah, you're kind of a grumpy old man sometimes.
So when I don't want you to scare off too many people for me, that's true.
You still try to get work in Hollywood and stuff.
Yeah, that's the thing.
So Peterson seems to be back.
He posted a new video to his YouTube channel entitled Return Home.
No, not I'm back.
Return Home.
So he had this addiction issue with medication he was taking.
I guess it's very addictive.
And became chemically dependent on it.
But he's back.
Yeah, and basically the point that he realized he was chemically dependent on, he tried to break himself up, and that's what caused all these issues.
It was like, apparently, the breaking off of it is what really.
He's insane, yeah.
And there isn't, apparently, it's a very hard.
Anyway, everybody knows the story if you care.
A lot of us do care.
He ended his video by saying, with God's grace and mercy, I'll be able to start generating original material once again and pick up where I left off.
What's that, eh?
God?
Oh, that's a whole can of worms.
It's a whole can of bucko worms.
Depends on what you mean by God.
It depends on what you mean by believe.
Yeah.
We're interviewing Michaela soon, actually.
Yeah, his daughter Michaela.
I think in the next month.
Famous for the meat-only diet.
Was she the one who came?
She didn't come up with it.
I don't know if she came up with it or yeah, but she's kind of popular.
But she's popularized this movie.
There's animals that have done it.
So this is like extreme keto.
Yeah.
Like meat-only, nothing else?
Pure meat.
So, where do you get like?
Do you have to take vitamin supplements?
If you want to drink anything, you have to drink meat juice.
Drink meat, really?
No, I'm just kidding.
Got excited?
Ring out the meat.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
I'm in.
You have to wear a bacon face mask.
It's the only approved.
You have to wear meat outfits like Lady Gaga.
What was the meat outfit thing of this?
Meat dress?
Meat dress.
What point is she trying to prove?
Is she trying to prove that animals are hurt or something?
Animals are hurt.
Behold the meat dress.
This is an animal.
Yeah.
That would be like.
Yeah, that's horrible, like being anti-abortion.
And yeah, I'm going to say.
Thanks for not saying.
Lady Gaga wore an infamous dress made of raw beef.
Commonly referred to by the seashore, the media as the meat dress.
But why?
Does it say why?
She's a whole Wikipedia page on just the meat dress.
I kind of respect if she's just doing it just because.
The dress was condemned by animal rights groups and named by Time as the top fashion statement of 2010.
And this is old news.
Is it a Guinness record for the biggest dress made out of beef?
Probably.
It was a long time ago.
Yeah.
It's a faux meat dress.
Is it real or fake?
It's not real.
It's not real meat.
Yeah, it's not real.
Oh, that's really disappointing.
Guinness record rescinded.
They're taking it back.
At the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Oh.
Oh, no.
She did have okay, the press speculant and originality of the meat dress idea, with comparisons made to similar images found in contemporary art and popular culture.
As with other dresses, that was archived but went on display at the Rocken Roll Hall Of Fame after being preserved by taxidermists as a type of jerky, so it's a jerky dress now.
Anyway, this is getting worse, this is getting.
Yeah, we'll get off that it's.
We're talking about Jordan Peterson right now.
She said, oh yeah, the meat.
A protest against the military's.
Don't ask, don't tell policy.
Oh really, how do you connect those dots?
I'm for gay rights in the military.
Meat dress, meat dress too.
Completely wrong.
I want to do that.
I am against abortion.
That's why I am wearing these twinkies.
I'm wearing my twinkie astronaut suit.
I'm for communism.
Bag Of Sprite Beauty.
Yeah, i'm excited to talk to Michaela.
It's going to be interesting to talk to her because all I want to, I just want to ask about her dad the whole time.
Okay, so you've got this meat diet thing cool.
So tell me how Jordan Peterson is doing.
She probably deals with that a lot.
Yeah, i'm sure she's connected to a famous person.
Yeah, but you know, that'd be weird if a famous dad that's what i'm asking her.
That's like, what's it like having a dad who went viral and famous like this?
Yeah, we got to get the behind the scenes JP stories, remember.
We asked uh, Dave Rubin, some of those questions, fart stories.
Get us all the fart stories.
What does Jordan Peterson say after he farts?
Oh man, oh buckle.
not good that's not good why is it so funny That's so dumb.
All right.
Topic of the week.
Let's do it.
Okay, guys, on this podcast, we talk a lot about Christian creatives trying to write comedy and trying to reach culture and do all that fun stuff.
Yeah, it'd be funny.
I'm going to mention a new movie called Small Group the Movie.
We talked to Matt Justine, the creator on our podcast a little while ago, about what he's doing, how he's trying to create movies that make not just Christians laugh, but other people laugh.
This movie won Best Picture at the International Christian Film Festival and was recommended to us by our friend Kira Davis, who we all love.
We've got to have her back.
We've got to have Kiri back.
She said of the film, Small Group isn't what I've come to expect from Christian movies.
It's not cheesy.
It is really well written, acted, and beautifully shot.
I laughed out loud a lot, but then there were moments that I actually cried.
Tim Bryant describes it as a hundred-proof, unfiltered, remoformed theology that manages to hit you in the heart without hitting you over the head.
So, Small Group the movie, it's now available on DVD or Blu-ray at smallgroupmovie.com or for digital streaming on Amazon.
On Amazon.
So you can just watch it on Amazon.
Boom.
And now, the Babylon Bees Topic of the Week.
All right.
I don't know how this topic of the week is going to go, but let's give it a shot.
So this week, we had a post.
Senator Hirono demands ACB be weighed against a duck to see if she's a witch.
Later on, we got a message from Facebook.
That's not true, right?
That's satire.
Later on, we got a message from Facebook saying, you've violated our community standards.
And we couldn't figure out why.
They didn't tell us what they were doing.
They didn't tell you what post.
Hey, by the way, you violated community standards.
That's kind of like when you walk and you see somebody you talk to all week, and then they're like, you really offended me on last week.
It's like being with your wife.
Right.
Yeah.
She's like, yeah, you walk in and she's mad at you and you're like, you know why.
Yeah, she knows why.
No, she tells you.
You know why.
Yeah.
But no, I don't.
You know.
So Mark Zuckerberg is like our wife.
Okay.
We don't have one wife.
We're not that weird of a religious cult.
That'd be weird.
Jestiny.
You derail this piece so much.
It's so funny, dude.
Sorry.
So we got this message, and later on, our social media guy, Matt, he's like, hey, did you guys notice that the post has been taken down?
And we're like, what?
So we go back.
It's completely deleted.
I go and I go through their process to like appeal.
I'm like, what is this?
We get nothing back.
So we go out to social media and we start raising the music.
They can sound the alarm.
Like, hey.
Seth's good at that.
Seth's really good at it.
And he's like, they're killing the conservators, shooting us in the face.
Our jobs.
Yeah.
And it's kind of true.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's true.
Yep, demo.
So we're like waiting, waiting.
Eventually it turned out that because the post said she's a witch, we must burn her.
You are inciting violence.
And that's from Monty Python, right?
That is from Monty Python.
Good job.
Only not because Seth said that.
But the funny thing is, no matter Monty Python or whatever, it's like we're quoting this character who's saying we have to burn her for being a witch.
After weighing her against a duck.
If you're going to take that one line seriously, you got to take the whole thing seriously.
And the fact that we're quoting a character that we like, Senator Hirono didn't really say this.
And we're making fun of her, like her whole demeanor and her whole attitude.
Is she the one who?
We're making fun of that.
Like we're making fun of this idea that she's like, because she's the one who asked her if she's ever committed sexual assault.
Yeah.
So it's like hilarious.
So we're in this situation now.
So basically what it sounded like was, well, what they claim is the AI algorithm comes along and goes, it says we must burn her.
Inciting violence.
Detected.
And they just auto.
And then they like auto-delete it.
But there was, but then we were told, well, we appealed it.
We reviewed it.
We're standing firm on this.
You have to take, you have to delete that, or your page continues to be dinged and suppressed and demonetized.
Which is that makes it different.
It's not the algorithm.
Now there's a person sitting there.
There's a person sitting there going, yeah, this really does.
Like, I could see somebody reading that and then just getting out of butcher knife and running out of the room.
And God knows what happens next.
We have to hold witch trials.
Yeah.
Babylon B said so.
We got to go burn somebody.
We got to burn some people at the stake.
Get the kerosene.
So I did actually, just before this podcast, I talked to Sith and he said that he got a call from Facebook.
And they said they were going to.
Mark Zuckerberg on the phone.
Mark Zuckerberg.
Not really.
And he said they're going to reverse it.
Oh.
So they, but they were like, man, dang it, there goes our persecution.
And they said, why don't you guys just call us, man?
What?
This is what Mark Zuckerberg said.
Yeah.
Hey, man.
You could just text me.
You could have just called us.
Bucko.
Oh, what's the wrong one?
You want to watch Consino Man tonight?
I think what he would want to do.
I caught the Pee Herman movie.
If you guys want to watch that.
What's the movie that one of those kinds of people would want to watch?
Cinema might be.
Biodome.
That's the worst movie I've ever seen in my life.
Maybe he was very inspired by it.
I don't know.
That is the worst movie I've ever seen in my life.
I don't know if I ever made it through it.
Biodome.
We had a guy at our church who was like a very kind guy, very gentle, and always like, take care of us, bring us free pizza and all this stuff.
We were sick.
Praxis Bright.
Brackets Bright.
And he goes, Have you guys ever seen BioDome?
So we rented it.
My parents rented it for us, and we all sat down.
We're like, what in the world?
Worst movie I've ever seen.
What are we talking about?
Facebook.
Mark Zuckerberg.
So just.
So they took it back.
So there's obviously.
So we're re-monetized?
No, we don't really moments ago.
We don't really monetize through Facebook, right?
Yeah.
But we do use some of the tools where we'll tag a sponsor and all that stuff.
And you can't do that.
And then presumably because you have this like yellow flag on your page, your posts are going to be more like monitored and suspect.
Nobody knows the inner workings of the algorithm.
So that's more what I wanted to talk about more broadly: this idea of writing comedy on the internet, running comedy in the social media age, because it's totally different than it used to be 20 years ago.
So 20 years ago, I would go on homestarrunner.com in the morning.
Yeah.
You know, like I had these sites that I thought.
You had like your list.
Yeah, we had bookmarks and you would go, open all these bookmarks.
I want to see what Homestar Runner has to say.
Or remember Stumble Upon?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Where they would just bring up like this button on your browser and just probably you just find a whole new website to go to.
And it's all these different.
Yeah.
So there was kind of this wild west of like comedy and content creation where you found all these quirky websites and you would, I would find little communities, you know, like there was like this one had a forum and you'd go talk with other like-minded people who like this also.
And the little form, little communities would form in comment sections and you get to know people and it was just a different time.
You know, now you have to write for the algorithm.
Like everything I write, every headline we write on the Babylon B, I have to go, how's this going to perform on Facebook?
Yeah, because I think in my memory, this could be, you know, I see everything through the prism of my own life.
When Ax Cop went viral, it didn't seem like it seemed like no matter what I posted at that time, and it could be just because Axe Cop was so popular at the time, but I remember it shifting very blatantly one day.
Every post got a certain amount of views and likes and responses, and it was big.
And then suddenly one day, it was really small.
I looked into it, and they had just changed the policy that basically have to pay to reach your audience.
And the only way to work around that is if people naturally organically share your posts, and I don't even know how you measure that, like exactly.
How does the I don't know how that is there a certain amount of suppression that happens every time it gets shared, it unsuppresses some of it.
I don't know how it works, but uh, because then I learned when I made my bear stuff from my bear book, Bears Want to Kill You, B-E-A-R.
Yeah, uh, I realized that there's certain if I made certain meme type stuff, it would break through that, and I could get all these thousands and hundreds of thousands of shares without paying, which costs a ton, it costs a lot of money to get that kind of exposure.
Yes, you're not making necessarily now, your memes are this is the people that have already liked your page and want your content, right?
And so, your memes are your bear memes are hilarious, and people love them, and they get stolen all the time and shared everywhere.
There's people who have gotten way more shares on them than I ever did.
So, maybe it was good in a way that it forced you into this other form of comedy you didn't want to write, but at the same time, it wasn't the comedy you set out to write.
You didn't set out to write like bear memes, right?
But it turned into Bears Want to Kill You.
I mean, it is sad because, like, I make you know, I make a comic called Bear McGidden, uh, and I, it's a labor of love, but it's never gonna do well on the internet because it's long form, it's long form.
Uh, not every panelist.
And memes are, yeah, they're fart jokes, basically.
It's just a simple, dumb people see that format, and you know, it's just a quick, easy, easy thing.
And yeah, so the internet doesn't cater to quality content, it caters to it caters to the quick gut reaction of somebody wanting to click, yeah, which is why outrage is so big.
I think about I use this metaphor of like if you were a comedian and you were trying to reach your audience, and then all of a sudden Mark Zuckerberg comes along and he closes the curtain and you're sitting behind the curtain and he goes, I love our little.
I just bought this theater, so yeah, actually, by the way, one sec, and he goes, Um, hey, um, you're just gonna tell me your jokes, and then I'll decide which ones your audience can see, and then I'll just walk out there and tell them.
So, he does, and then you're sitting behind the curtain, and you like hear, you hear them laughing to this joke, and not laughing at that joke, and laughing at this one.
And you're like, I don't know, I don't know which ones did well.
Yeah, I don't know why posts do well or don't do well, right?
And there's like this level of disconnect from your audience, it sucks.
If you go back and look at The Onion when they were a paper, a physical printed-out paper, there's so many dumb jokes that they would tell, and I mean that in the kindest way possible.
Like, they could do little classifieds and little things.
Because you picked up this thing and you were just passively like flipping through this paper, but now every joke we tell, it feels like you're always trying to hit a home run, you know, like because that's how social media works.
Be a home run, and it doesn't necessarily have to be a home run as far as like a golden joke, it has to be something that people will share.
People will share.
So, even if it's just like, man, aren't Democrats dumb?
Yeah, killer, boom, thousands, 10,000 shares.
Yeah, I think it's uh, what do you call it?
Is it a claptor?
Is that a friend?
Clapter, yeah, yeah, because I think people see a social media share not as like, check out this hilarious joke, but as like they identify with that post.
This is something I want to share because I want to say something or I really identify with it.
You're putting it on your wall, so you're right.
So, like, your Facebook page is your wall.
Yeah, so you're not gonna meme is a thing you would hang on your digital house wall and show this is me, right?
And to some extent.
Yes.
Right?
You're representing yourself.
I think you imagine your page.
Just as like when you decorate your house and you think, like, this is all the stuff that people, this is the impression I want to make on people.
So, yeah, it's so much different than people want to represent themselves with the things they share.
And that's different than if they just laughed at it.
It would be nice if we could just mic everybody.
And if they laugh out loud in real life, then that the algorithm hears the laugh and that perpetuates it.
And then you get like a share.
Yeah.
Or you can just get back up.
Actual laugh.
Actual laugh reaction is actual laugh.
Yeah, real laughs out loud.
They'd have to not be able to hear them talking, though, could only hear laughs.
I've heard Jerry.
I guess you could have, then, you know, there'd be laugh farms that you could pay to get more laughs.
Yeah, you're like, yeah, it's like in some South American or for the Philippines or whatever.
They hire out laugh farms and there's just a bunch of learn how you can get your poster warehouse.
I heard Jerry Seinfeld say that writing jokes on Twitter would be his hell.
He says, like, I cannot hear my audience.
Yeah.
Like for him, that writing.
That's our life.
Just about until we got Patrick, we couldn't hear anything.
There he is.
It makes me feel funnier.
I know.
Like, well, people laugh at us.
Oh, wow.
I hope that's how all you sound at home.
There's an article on Vulture you guys should read.
It's called How Facebook is Killing Comedy.
It'll be linked in our show notes, and you can look it up called How Facebook is Killing Comedy.
It was an interview with Matt Clinman, who worked at Funny or Die.
So he died.
And it was funny, and then he didn't tell one joke that was funny.
And he just immediately died.
But he wrote this, he did this interview with Vulture after Funny or Die had to do another round of layoffs.
They killed their entire editorial team.
Basically, because Facebook did this pivot to video where they told everybody, we're going to promote video content.
That's what's hot now.
Video.
So everyone like fired all their writers and hired video guys.
And we're like, we're doing video content.
And then it turned out like that didn't make any money on Facebook.
And then Facebook was taking all the ad money.
It wasn't going to the content creator.
So then they all fired their video teams.
So they gutted Funny or Die.
So he wrote on Twitter, Mark Zuckerberg just walked into Funny or Die and laid off all my friends.
He says, there's simply no money in making comedy online anymore.
Facebook has completely destroyed independent digital comedy.
And I really sympathize with everything he says in this area.
A lot of what I'm saying about how he's about how we comedy writers are just trying to figure out what the algorithm wants.
I have to write for the algorithm.
It sucks.
I go to headlines and I'm like, oh, that's a great headline.
Yeah, Facebook's going to kill that.
We have to change it.
Because it's like, ultimately, yeah, we can write that joke in its purest form, but 500 people are going to read it versus we have to edit it.
So it'll be good for Facebook.
And then 50,000 people are going to read it, even though it's a worse joke.
And I hate that.
Yeah, I hate that too.
It's a reality.
It's something I have to do.
It sucks.
It definitely skews.
It skews everybody further into their corner.
Yeah, because you're following the ones you want.
And that's what Facebook is doing with the algorithm.
It's going like, what do you want to see?
Yeah.
It's making everybody more extreme, which is supposed to be, I think that their altruistic purpose in all these algorithms and stuff is to like avoid fake news or something.
That's what they say.
I don't know what they're really trying to do.
But whatever they're trying to do, what they are doing is they're making everybody more extreme in their political views.
That's probably true.
They're creating echo chambers and also incentivizing the most ridiculous, the most outlandish, the most extreme language.
Yeah, and it sucks.
It's writing comedy trial and error.
Well, all comedy's trial and error.
But we can have like a perfect joke, and then it's like, oh, shoot.
I guess Facebook doesn't like that word.
Yeah, usually the trial and error is the audience laughing or not.
Now it's the algorithm except the robot going, ha, ha, ha, or not.
Which is weird.
Or Mark Zuckerberg.
That's funny.
That's not.
I don't get that one.
I don't get that joke.
Burn her?
What?
That's really offensive.
Have you ever seen Monty Python?
I'm not into reptiles.
I think all moderators at Facebook need to watch Monty Python.
That should be required.
Of course, Ethan's never seen him.
I've seen some, but yeah, I was too young.
I got to go back and watch all those.
Let's move on to everybody's favorite thing in the world.
Hate mail.
I miss Adam Ford.
Here at the Babylon Bee, everybody loves us except a few people who hate us, and they send us hate mail.
And here's the hate mail that we got this week.
And everybody loves that hate mail.
This is everybody's favorite part of the podcast.
I got one comment this week where a guy said, why don't you just put hate mail at the very first thing you do in your show?
Because I think you just wanted to listen to that and then stop listening.
Yeah, he was going to leave.
Sad.
We have a special thing at the end of the show today.
But we put it in the middle so that you have to find where it is and then you have to skip around and then hopefully you get attracted to the rest of the podcast.
Yeah.
So this guy says that, okay.
So we decided that this guy sounds like a Scottish, angry, Scottish, an angry Scot.
And Ethan has a better Scottish accent than I do, so he's going to read this one.
This is from a man named Randall, and here's what he says to the Babylon B: You have to bleep me some the red dragon.
I have to say that first to get the flower turnip.
You losers are all the same.
You have nothing better to do than focus on destructive activities.
Rolls on donkey.
Wait, you yell Haggis sometimes.
Alba Gubroth.
That's beautiful.
I don't think that was good, though.
So there's better.
Subscribe to the Babylon B and you'll get the uncensored version.
But not really.
We don't actually release the uncensored version.
Write us an email if you want the uncensored version.
Yeah, there you go.
And maybe Dan will send it to you.
He doesn't have enough to do.
Do Scots have good insults?
I mean, this guy says, you miserable blackbirds.
Miserably.
And he says, that's what we used to say.
Miserable, childless, or fatherless children.
I like it that he says you have nothing better to do than focus on destructive activities.
Yeah, so I was looking up to see if there's any Scottish.
Yeah, so one of the way you say get lost on your head.
Which means I want to boil your head.
You've got to feel like a bag of washing.
That's donkey.
That's a bottom like a bag of laundry.
And it's a negative assessment of a woman's attractiveness.
I'm trying to picture a bag of laundry now.
Some of these you can't.
Are we will say donkey?
Are we not allowed to say that?
Donkey.
I think we have to bleep it before.
It's going to be bleeped.
Yeah.
You've got a face like a sculptor.
Donkey.
Yeah, okay.
Which means a face like a slapped rear end.
Oh, man, we can't say that one.
You can't say that.
I'm looking at this other one.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Numpte.
That means idiot.
You're nothing but a numpte.
Your boom's out the window.
Shut your giggy.
Which means shut up.
Oh, we can't say that one either.
I like that one.
You wallopa.
Yeah.
So anyway.
You're off your hide.
Why didn't he use any of those?
I'm going to say, you're off your hide.
You're off your hide.
You're not yet a hide.
Nyaf, that means irritating person.
There's a lot for idiot.
Like, if you want to call somebody idiot, there's rocket rooster yaff nte.
Lots of different.
Oh, walloper.
Yeah, we did that.
If you like the Babylon B reading hate mail, listen to this podcast every week because every week we reread hate mail.
And if you're a subscriber, paid subscriber to the Babylon B now, we're going to read a bonus hate mail for subscribers every episode.
And we're going to the subscriber portion, so we'll see you there.
The rest of this podcast is in our super exclusive premium subscriber lounge.
If you're not a Babylon Bee subscriber, go to BabylonB.com/slash plans for full-length ad-free podcasts.
Access to our headline forum, 20% off the items in the Babylon Bee store, a gift, and more.
Please drop us a review on iTunes and share the podcast with a friend.
Feedback and love mail go to podcast at babylonbee.com.
Follow Ethan at AxeCop and Kyle at the underscore Kyle underscore man on Twitter.
Elle and Ethan would like to thank Seth Dillon for paying the bills, Adam Ford for creating their job, the other writers for tirelessly pitching headlines, the subscribers, and you, the listener.
Until next time, this is Dave D'Andrea, the voice of the Babylon Bee, reminding you to go forth and disown any relatives who do not align with you politically.
Hey guys, hey guys, I just saw this post that you put up where there's like a, there's this duck and I'm suggesting that they want to burn her.
And the duck?
I just wanted to say that you guys are just probably inciting violence.
Something like that.
Yeah.
So yeah, your ability to make money, we're just going to get rid of that.