Merriam-Webster Gaslighting/Orange Ball Worship/What Voters Deserve News Show 10.16.2020
This is the Babylon Bee Weekly News Podcast for the week of 10/16/2020. In this episode of The Babylon Bee Podcast, Kyle and Ethan talk about the week's biggest stories like ACB using a crucifix to defend herself from the Senate, Los Angeles allowing a large religious gathering after the Lakers win, and Biden telling voters they don't deserve to know if he will enact a glorious communist utopia if elected. Kyle and Ethan also talk about the angry comments on the New York Times piece on The Babylon Bee and how dictionaries now are engaging in gaslighting the populace. Be sure to check out The Babylon Bee YouTube Channel for more podcasts, podcast shorts, animation, and more. To watch or listen to the full podcast, become a subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans. Introduction Welcome to The Babylon Bee where we talk about the news and have an animation playlist on YouTube... Stuff That's Good Kyle likes Stephen King's On Writing. Ethan likes Gran Torino. Weird News Herd of charging cows in England kill second man in month Police are looking for witnesses to help with the investigation in who's causing the charging cows Thai hotel seeks deal with guest facing jail over bad reviews Thailand's criminal defamation and computer crimes acts, he could be fined up to 100,000 baht ($3,200) as well as facing jail time. Reviewer said he was mad about a 500 baht ($16) corkage fee Reporter confronts aggressive raccoon outside White House The incident was not the first confrontation between the media and racoons at the White House. Reporter quoted "Frickin' raccoons, man. God, again! This is the second time! Jesus...It always comes around right around when I'm about to go on TV...get! Ex-jail employees charged for playing 'Baby Shark' on repeat Jail employees forced inmates to stand handcuffed for hours and listen to "Baby Shark" on repeat Stories of the Week Story 1 Democrats Hiss In Terror As ACB Pulls Out Crucifix Summary: Amy Coney Barrett has eloquently defended herself through the Senate confirmation hearings this morning. But as Dems grew increasingly vicious, she was forced to turn to desperate measures. After several hours of hearings, Barrett pulled out a large crucifix and held it aloft. A light shone from the heavens, and the Democrats knew they were defeated. ACB took questions beginning Monday from the Senate about her judicial philosophy of originalism and how she would decide on cases related to the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare) and Roe V Wade. "I've made no commitment to anyone, not in this Senate, not over in the White House, about how I would decide any case," said Judge Amy Coney Barrett "I'm not willing to make a deal, not with this committee, not with the President." Sen. Mazie Hirono asks ACB "since you became a legal adult, have you ever made unwanted requests for sexual favors or committed any verbal or physical harassment or assault of a sexual nature?" @Erikrosalesnews tweeted: What is so amazing, Judge Amy Coney Barrett is testifying with only a small note pad and a pencil. She is a former law professor who is often correcting Senators on the details of the cases headed to the Supreme Court. She is schooling lawmakers. When she was confirmed as a Federal judge 3 years ago, Sen. Diane Feinstein said, "The dogma lives loudly with you." The new Dem talking point is to scream loudly about Court Packing which nominating ACB is not. Here's Dan Rather to illustrate. Story 2 L.A. Mayor Allows Large Religious Gathering Outside Staples Center Summary: Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti, having opposed large religious gatherings in his city for the past 7 months, has suddenly reversed course, allowing a large worship service to take place in the streets of the city last night. Despite the ban on religious gatherings, the worshipers came together to honor their god, LeBron James, in a spontaneous outpouring of love and praise. Worshipers in this religion, rather than singing songs or saying prayers, topple cars and throw things at the police. Mayor Garcetti and Governor Gavin Newsom have famously been harassing churches that try to meet in defiance of the social distancing rules like Grace Community Church and John MacArthur They seemingly have no problem with BLM/ANTIFA marches and now everyone massing in the streets to celebrate the Lakers winning the NBA championship Did anyone watch it? There's no salvaging these awful NBA Finals ratings Story 3 Biden: 'I Won't Reveal Whether I Plan On Abolishing The Constitution And Establishing A Glorious Communist Utopia Until After I'm Elected' Summary: Joe Biden was asked yet again today if he plans to abolish the Constitution, overthrow Congress, dismiss the Supreme Court, and set up a Communist regime to take their place. Once again, Biden refused to answer the question, saying voters will find out whether he plans to seize the means of production and institute a one-party rule, U.S.S.R.-style. "Look, if I tell you whether or not I plan to institute a new Communist order, establishing a glorious worker-led revolution that will lead us out of this capitalistic nightmare and into a paradisical utopia, that would become the headline," Biden said. "That would be playing Trump's game. So I'm not going to say whether I support this great idea." Joe Biden and Kamala Harris have been dodging the question of whether they would consider packing the Supreme Court Biden says voters don't deserve to know his position on court-packing. Topic of the Week: Even the dictionaries are beginning to gaslight people. The dictionary changed a word because of a moment at the ACB SCOTUS hearing to make something she said "offensive." Kyle's Orwell tweet about the definition being changed in a day to make 'sexual preference' defined as 'offensive Hate Mail Sit back for these awesome comments to the recent NYT mostly peaceful piece on The Babylon Bee. Their readers were not happy. Subscriber Portion Kyle and Ethan talk about peanuts and a terrible yard sign you've probably seen around town.
In a world of fake news, we bring you up-to-the-minute factual inaccuracy and a heavy dose of moral truth with your hosts, Kyle Mann and Ethan Nicole.
This is the Babylon Bee.
Fake news you can trust.
Hello, everybody, and welcome to the Babylon Bee two-minute hate.
I'm Kyle.
I'm Ethan.
And we're reporting live from 1984.
Oh, yeah, that's from 1984.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Two-minute hate.
Yeah.
It's a thing.
I have read 1984, but everything I read, I forget.
It's like a weird handicap that I have.
News speak.
Everybody gets mad.
Ministry of Truth.
Memory Hole.
All these words coming true before our very eyes, as we will discuss shortly on this podcast.
Cool.
I can't wait.
I love finding out what's going to be on the podcast.
Yeah.
Did you not see that in the notes?
I don't know.
I skimmed them.
Okay.
I don't think I've read a word of the notes, so this is going to be very interesting.
Yeah.
I tried to read them all.
But like I say, when I read things, I completely forget them after I finish reading them.
Because cartoon ideas are constantly popping into my head.
That's my life, my brain.
So, yeah, okay.
So this is like the Homer Simpson thing where it looks at his brain and it zooms in and you've just got like a bunny getting squished by an anvil that's going on in your head.
That's all it's going on in your head all the time.
Yeah.
It just doesn't retain the important things.
Who's to say cartoons aren't the important things?
That's probably more important than a lot of things you read in the news and stuff.
If it's what you do, then it's important, I guess.
Bring joy to the world.
I try to.
With cartoons.
Yeah.
And if you haven't checked out our cartoons, go to our YouTube channel, youtube.com slash the Babylon B.
Yeah.
And check out our cartoons.
We started doing cartoons.
This is Ethan's dream.
He basically pretended to want to write satire for the Babylon Bee so that he could get into a successful company.
Photoshop.
And then be like, why don't we start doing cartoons?
Yeah, I'll just start doing them.
I won't even ask permission.
But at least it semi-fits with the Babylon B and it's not like you work for a paperclip company or something and you're like releasing cartoons for them.
Yeah.
It kind of fits with us.
It fits.
Yeah.
It's fun.
No, we're having a blast.
It's like it's intense.
We're doing a new one every week.
It's intense, but like I'm really excited about it.
Frank Fleming is doing awesome writing on it.
We got Austin Robertson voices.
Bridget Fetesy is doing a voice on it.
And yeah, it's really good.
It's awesome.
Yeah.
So we do a weekly update every Friday.
I can't see.
Are you getting weight?
He tried to hold a note up at me, and I can't see.
It says, oh, I think it says B-Tunes, maybe?
I don't know.
I think he thinks I should say that.
I don't know.
It's like an inside joke that he wants me to joke about.
B-tunes.
It's the first go at Q-cards.
Yeah.
Attempted Q-cards on me.
That didn't work out.
This is like Joe Biden trying to read his teleprompter.
Text.com.
Your PC has restarted.
Crashed.
What?
I think I just blue screened.
What?
Anyway, we do a weekly update every Friday that's a summary of the week's news.
It's fast-paced, kind of like, you know, South Park covers what happened in the last week.
It's like South Park without all the like.
You don't need as much of a shower afterwards.
Yeah.
Maybe a little shower, but not as much.
South Park, but you don't have to go to confessional afterwards.
Yeah.
So if you like the concept of that, check out the Babylon Bee's YouTube channel.
It is the fastest growing YouTube channel that is run by the Babylon Bee.
Yeah, it's true.
It's exciting.
So it's a lot of fun.
Check it out.
And you might even be watching this podcast on the Babylon Bee YouTube channel because this is on there too.
So good for you.
All right.
Let's do some stuff that's good.
But now, this week's edition of stuff that's good.
You got anything, Kyle?
Yeah, I do.
I left it in the other room.
I brought myself.
Oh, you brought it.
I brought something.
Is it?
Oh, it's right here.
Oh, yeah.
This is my stuff that's good.
Carmen Live.
This is not really my stuff that's good.
But our friend Eric brought this for us.
And it says, this is a VHS tape that he found at the thrift store.
Yeah.
Carmen Live, Raising the Standard.
Oh, this is my actual book.
You should review that in the subscriber portion.
This may be a future stuff that's good, but I haven't read it yet.
We need a VCR.
One of our fans, a Christian author.
Cool.
He gave me those.
No, but I want to talk about an author you might have heard of, Stephen King, and his book on writing.
Oh, yeah, that's a good book.
Which, if you like writing and you want to read a book on writing, it's one of the best books on writing I've read.
So the first half is kind of his like very rambling autobiography.
But if you like Stephen King, you'll appreciate it.
If you don't like Stephen King, you can kind of skip to the second half of the book where he actually talks about how to write.
And every time I've read this book a couple of times, and every time I read it, I just like, oh, I get all inspired.
And I go off and write half a novel and then don't finish it.
Yeah, so it's half, yeah.
Because do you try to pants like him?
They call it pants.
Like seat of the pants writing.
Yeah, like writing.
You don't outline.
You just write.
Find out what happens tomorrow.
Maybe that's why I've never finished a book.
It works for very few people.
Yeah.
It works for me.
It's fun while it's working.
It feels great.
It's like, oh, it works for me for half the book.
Yeah.
And then I'm just like, maybe I need to sketch out some kind of an outline.
And that's probably why Stephen King can't finish a book to save his life.
He can't.
What?
He has like 600 books done.
I know, but the conclusions are always terrible.
Oh, yeah.
He just has to.
Like the plot line, and you're like, wait, what?
Like, it is, I didn't like it.
It is like a very rambling book, but it's like considered his masterpiece.
And at the very end, it's like, and then they jump on the back of the space turtle and fly out and blast the clown from spider-clown.
And you're like, what?
That's the end of the book.
Is they like go?
Yeah, they fight with the space turtle against the spider clown or something.
It's very bizarre.
I wonder how many people have made it to the end and figured that out and found that out.
Yeah, because they don't do it in the movie.
It has an insane ending like the Bible does.
It's like the book of Revelation.
Yeah, the Bible just goes crazy at the end.
Maybe the Apostle John read.
Yeah, maybe they're panting.
And he just pants.
That's terrible.
That's a bad joke about that.
Totally, that's not true.
That's not how it works.
It's not even how it's written.
If you want to support a struggling author by Stephen King's on right.
I am recommending this movie, which I always assume everybody's seen every movie that I think is great.
But Grand Torino with Clint Eastwood.
This is a great man movie.
It's a very simple movie.
And I like the story behind this movie.
It was written by a guy who was a fruit truck driver.
And he's a screenwriter, but he kind of side gig screenwriter.
And he wrote this script for Clint Eastwood.
He thought this would be the perfect Clean Eastwood movie.
Which basically never works.
If you're an unknown person, you write a script for a specific actor.
Yeah, you're a fruit truck driver, bro.
This is a story I heard.
I don't know if this is actually true, so I'm just spreading gossip on the internet, maybe.
But apparently he somehow got the script to Clint Eastwood and Clint Eastwood said, don't change a word.
So normally a script gets, you know, from some guy who hasn't written a film yet.
I don't know if he'd written other films or not.
I know he had been a writer.
But apparently that was the directive was like, we're not going to do any big rewrites.
You're not changing anything.
We're just going to do this script as it is.
So it has that feeling of a very, it just doesn't feel like one of those big produced, overly produced movies.
In fact, some of the people I've watched it with, the one kind of tough part of it is that it takes place in this area where the Hmong community lives, and they use a lot of people from that community who have never acted before.
So there is some rough acting among those actors.
But it's a very sincere movie, and I love how it tackles the ideas of racism in a different way than the culture is comfortable with, I think.
Because he is kind of an old guy with racist tendencies.
But it's about how underneath it doesn't focus on change your words and change your language.
And it's about who he really is and the heart of it.
It's a very American movie, I think.
It's also heartbreaking, but it's also very good.
I love that movie.
I think I borrowed Dan's copy.
Dan, did I borrow?
Is Dan here?
What year was this?
I think I borrowed his copy and I never gave it back to him.
Sorry, Dan.
You make like 10 times, you know?
I don't know too much you make.
I definitely make 10 times what Dan makes 30 times.
All right, let's do some.
Oh, wait, you know what else is good?
Is our Babylon Blue?
Oh, yeah, we have a store.
We never talk about our store.
We never talk about our store, and our project manager guy over here, our operations manager, is like, you guys need to pitch more stuff.
So here, cool coffee mug from the Babylon Black.
There's like nasty coffee sludge in the Make Satire Gradigan hat.
We have some regular Babylon B hats, shirts, hoodies.
Yeah, Kyle kind of slurps with his lips like a man without his dentures in when he drinks coffee.
That's why there's weird sludge all over the edges.
I don't even know how it got on that side because I don't sip from this.
Like the guy on Men in Black that has his skin over an alien or whatever.
Sugar water.
Edgar, something like that.
Yeah.
Hey, now let's do some weird news.
Yeah.
This has been stuff that's good.
This news is weird.
Herd of charging cows in England killed second man in month.
Oh, man.
I love when people die.
It's so funny.
This should be called hilarious news.
Hilarious news of death.
So this herd has killed two men in one month.
Apparently.
And police are looking for witnesses from all of the investigation.
They've dusted for cow prints.
They're sending an undercover.
They've taken milk samples.
They're sending an undercover team in a cowsuit, like one guy in the back, one guy in the front.
They're going to go find out.
There's a second one in two weeks.
Malcolm Flynn of Carlisle happened around 11.45 on September 11th when he was walking near Thurwall Castle.
So this is definitely somewhere with castles.
Well, we know it's in England, right?
Oh, we do.
That's like in the headline.
Oh, it is.
Yeah.
Okay.
I only saw Cow and Dead.
I know, but I said it like moments ago.
Okay.
Yeah.
Flynn was pronounced at the scene.
I'm trying to figure out how this happened twice.
Was it the same spot?
So Scotland Yard's like, oi.
Oi, oi.
Oh, AC just came on.
AC kicked down.
We need to turn that off because it's loud.
Well, we could just make Patrick edit it out.
He's a new guy.
You hear the laughing?
That's Patrick.
So this is like.
Very loud.
Yeah.
No, it makes us feel funny, though.
It does make us feel funny.
I like the studio audience.
Yeah, I can't find our thoughts were with Malcolm's family.
Well, that's sad.
We don't read that part.
Everybody just laughs.
It's funny.
He's just walking and cows ran him over, I guess.
Did they get released?
They just run free?
Like, how?
We should read these ahead of time.
I think, you know, they'll break out of a pin, and then you got a bunch of them in a stampede.
Did something spook them?
There you go.
Like some sneaky rascal in the bushes with some crash symbols or something.
I don't know what sneak.
What spooks a cow?
Yeah, that's a real plague that's going around England right now is guys hiding in the bushes with symbols.
Crash symbols?
Cow spookers.
How come it was funny when you said it?
I said it.
It's funny because you say it so sincerely.
Like, what is there like, guys?
Yeah.
And then I just like reframe it.
Yeah, I was just thinking, you create the mental image of an idiot.
It's just funny.
Thank you for saving my joke.
Squirrel beer, ant gin, and poop wine are served up in Disgusting Food Museum's new exhibit.
Okay.
Alcohol in the museum exhibit had to be considered drinkable somewhere in the world.
So this is all real stuff.
Squirrel beer.
It's made from squirrels.
Wait, did we do this one already?
I feel like we did.
We did do this story already.
We did this one already.
Who's getting fired?
This is Patrick's first day on the job.
He's already getting me fired.
Remember we was the squirrel because it was a squirrel with the open mouth?
Yeah, it's a squirrel beer bottle.
I don't remember the ant gin, but I think, oh, yeah, I think we did talk with the ant gin.
Poop wine.
Yeah, we talked about poop wine.
Yeah, this is old stuff.
I like your.
It's a good choice if it wasn't, if we didn't already do it.
Because it has all the right things.
Poop.
Dead squirrels, poop.
Squirrels.
Poop that you devour.
People eating poop.
All the good elements are there.
You have weird news.
Yeah.
Thai hotel seeks deal with guests facing jail over bad reviews.
Whoa.
So Thailand's Criminal Defamation and Computer Crime Act.
$3,200 in jail time for giving a bad review to a hotel.
He was mad about a $500, or okay, $16 is what $500 baht is.
And that's a corkage fee.
What's corkage?
Oh, like a wine bottle, not poop wine.
Not poop wine, but my regular wine.
Is it like the fee to get the cork out of there?
It's yeah, it's like corkage.
It's like because if they have to open a new bottle or something.
I might get that wrong.
Really?
I've never been to Thailand.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I know what it is.
Because I just looked it up.
Okay, good.
It's when you bring your own bottle.
They charge you just to open the bottle.
Oh, it's kind of like the cutting fee at a cigar shop.
It's corkage.
That's cutting.
They got that at Matt's shop.
Yeah.
10 pounds.
It's a real crime.
Just to cut a cigar.
Yeah.
It's total ripoff.
So you can't just slum around and drink, oh, to drink your own bottle or whatever.
Because sometimes people will like, they'll go to a restaurant and they'll bring like, I have my $200 bottle of blah, blah, blah.
It's like, well, this is for a special occasion.
And then the waiter will come along with?
And open it up.
I've never done this.
That's not tacky?
I don't think it's considered techie.
Really?
Yeah, because you might have like a really special bottle you've been saving for this or that.
I was trying to save money for a while and I would carry my own tea bags.
And then I'd go to a coffee shop and I'd be like, can I get a cup of hot water?
And then I just pull out the tea bag and stick it in there.
And I had some friends that were very disturbed by that.
I don't know what that's like.
I mean, I make 30 times what you make.
So I don't know.
Hey, you never been there.
You didn't work your way.
You didn't lift yourself up by your bootstraps.
I've always made 30 times that you've been, yeah, always been.
I don't know.
I just, I just order.
I just order a bunch of tea just because I don't even like tea.
It's like more tea.
Bring it on.
I don't even know.
I didn't like tea.
I don't know why I was doing that.
I think I just wanted something.
I don't know.
It was a short phase.
Reporter confronts aggressive raccoon outside White House.
So they confronted it.
I'm like, hey, raccoon.
Yeah.
We need to have a serious.
Was there Acosta?
Is it Jim Acosta?
That's exactly who I am.
Making all about himself.
That's exactly who I pictured.
The reporter said, freaking raccoons, man.
Wait, you really did?
Gosh, again?
This is the second time.
Oh, so he was about to go on TV in the raccoon.
Flowerbed.
It always comes around when I'm about to go on TV.
Get is there video of that?
There must be.
Yeah.
I guess, yeah, they got to have a video guy around.
If you're doing the news, did the right raccoon have a MAGA hat on?
He's probably radicalized by Trump.
Well, all raccoons are partially wearing blackface.
Kind of.
Something like that.
Or something.
Yeah.
I don't know.
Radicalized.
Radicalized.
Black.
Raccoons do remind me of Antifa.
Because they dig in the garbage and eat garbage.
They're just running around, screaming at everybody and breaking stuff and just kind of just generally trashing things.
And it just feels like they're doing it just to do it.
My wife eats the raccoons.
You don't sense anything.
You don't sense if they had everything their way that it would be a peaceful place to live.
You don't have to raccoons.
So you wouldn't move to the raccoon autonomous zone.
Right.
Raz.
Exactly.
Raz.
One warlord raccoon is rocket.
Brave journalism, though.
I'm glad they confronted that raccoon.
Journalists are on the front lines of everything.
Ex-jail employees charged for playing Baby Shark on repeat.
Wait, like to torture the prisoners?
They forced inmates to stand handcuffed for hours and listen to Baby Shark.
So be a parent.
They're basically basically.
Well, but it's the opposite.
The kids are torturing the adults with the baby shark, right?
Right.
But the prisoners, like their worst, the horrible thing they're going through, that they actually got the employees got fired, right?
Or charged for doing a thing.
They assume this was putting these prisoners through what the average parent goes through, like pretty commonly.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But voluntarily, so like, I guess we did sign up for it.
That's true.
We knew what we were getting into.
But so did they.
They, the moment that they uh shanked somebody or they like stole somebody's car, smoked a little marijuana.
I don't know what's going to happen in there.
It's just cruel and unusual.
Is it?
I love those stories about what they use, the songs that they would use for torture, like on like terrorists.
They use like, I can't, was it like Miley Cyrus?
I can't remember.
There's some really funny ones in there.
I know they use Drowning Pool.
But yeah, this is funny.
Listen, it would be really funny if I had that list of them and I could say which ones they were.
Did you hear about that?
I'm going to look it up.
That radio DJ that locked himself in the booth and played last Christmas.
What?
He locked himself in the radio booth.
He was a DJ.
He wouldn't change the song.
He just played last Wham's Last Christmas on repeat for hours on the station.
Make everybody go insane.
I had uh remember those songs from the penalty box, yeah, from uh tooth and news.
I had one of those ones, there was one that had uh goatie hook had I Like My Bike.
Remember that song?
I lie yike, my biike.
It's like about Peavy Herman's bike.
Well, anyway, my roommate hated that song, and so jokingly, I like I left it on repeat and I just left the house.
I came home and I went to open my CD player, and I was obsessed with that CD at the time.
I listed all the time, and this is in the days of CDs.
And I found a note in there.
Did I tell the story?
No, but make sure we get the story time with Ethan Nick.
He's never boring, and he's never dull.
It's story time with Ethan Nicole.
Yeah, our stories!
Tell someone about the urine.
There's a note in there that said, Looking for your disc.
There's like a little rhyme.
It's like, you're gonna have to find it.
It's not in the case, Ace.
It's in another place.
And then, like, there'd be like a hint.
And it's like the Joker had taken my CD, and I had to go all around the house trying to find each little clue to find the CD.
That would be more like the Riddler.
Riddler, there you go.
Yeah, Riddler.
Sorry.
I had a college roommate who woke up to U2's How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb.
And it starts out, Uno, Dos, Tres, Got Dorse.
But this guy was like maybe on his fifth year, like his second senior year at Colin, you know, whatever.
And he would not get up for class.
So he would, and he put the, he put the radio on the other side.
So he used that to wake himself up.
Yeah, but he put it on the other side of the room.
So he'd have to climb out of his bunk and go.
So he would get up for class.
But he would just go hit the snooze, climb back up to his bunk.
And so we'd play for like two hours.
And we're like, dude, you got to get up.
So I'd go to class, come back, and the CD would still be playing.
And he'd still be a good kid, immune to it.
Wow.
All right, let's do some stories of the week.
Make counseling great again.
That's what I always say.
Yeah, because man, it's really gone downhill lately.
Yeah.
All those atheist counselors, Satanist counselors, demonic counselors.
Yeah.
You don't want that.
So you're looking for a counselor that has read their Bible.
Yeah, that knows what a Bible is.
Yeah, at least knows.
At least he has it on their shelf.
Yeah.
It's like, oh, yeah, Jesus.
I've heard of that guy.
Right.
Things are hard right now.
Quarantine.
You may be locked down.
You might be depressed.
Depression's way up.
I feel sorry for people without families.
I don't think about that.
It's like, you're just like, I got nobody.
Yeah.
Imagine people locked in their houses for months with nobody.
Yeah.
What you might need is some faithful counseling.
Faithful counseling is online professional Christian counseling to deal with depression, stress, anxiety, crises of faith.
Correct.
You can text, you can chat, you can phone, you can video anything.
Because, you know, a lot of us, we have our certain method of communication we prefer.
I hate when people want to talk on the phone to me.
I would text I would text a counselor.
Yeah, I like text.
I don't know if I want to go show up in person.
Yeah.
But it's affordable.
Faithfulcounseling.com/slash Babylon B. Listeners get 10% off your first month.
Yeah.
Do you think counselors use emojis?
Probably lots of smileys.
Yeah.
But they probably wouldn't send a lot of like crying.
Yeah.
Well, maybe they're trying to sympathize.
Like you're like, oh, I'm so sad today.
And they would send the sad.
I would feel good about that.
I feel weird about a counselor using emojis, but it's to each their own.
They probably accommodate what we're not guaranteeing that they use emojis because guaranteeing we don't know.
But it's not, yeah, that's not a guarantee that they make.
But you can get started today.
Faithfulcounseling.com/slash Babylon B. Do it now.
Now.
Every week there are stories.
These are some of them.
Amy Coney Barrett has eloquently defended herself throughout the Senate confirmation hearings.
But as Dems grew increasingly vicious, she was forced to turn to desperate measures.
After several hours of hearings, Barrett pulled out a large crucifix and held it aloft.
A light shone from the heavens and the Democrats knew they were defeated.
And they hissed and shook violently.
Something like that.
It's a good day for an exorcism.
So actually, this is coming out Friday, all right?
Right.
So there's actually going to be a fun animation of this coming out today.
At some point on the today, probably at like 11.59 p.m.
Yeah.
It's going to be if I survive it.
Because Ethan is killing himself trying to get it out.
But we're going to have this hilarious animation of the Democrats getting demons cast out of them by the exorcist Amy Coney Barrett.
ACB.
So yeah, these hearings are going on.
They're not quite as exciting as the Kavanaugh.
You know, I'm a little disappointed.
I've only caught a couple clips.
I really feel like second season of the hearings, the writing really fell off.
We got like one moment where they asked if she'd ever sexually harassed anybody.
Yeah, Senator Maisie Hirano said, did everybody kind of look at her and she's looking every like, somebody had to ask one.
She's like, you know, there's a chance.
Have you ever in your adult life asked for sexual favors or pressured anyone for sexual favors?
Have you ever sexually assaulted anyone?
Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes.
And Barret goes, no.
No.
And that's all we got.
Oh, here's the quote.
Since you became a legal adult, have you ever made unwanted requests for sexual favors or committed any verbal or physical harassment or assault of a sexual nature?
She's like, well, I have seven kids.
I don't know what that means.
You have to talk to my husband.
But only five of them are hers.
That's true.
Well, they're hers, but I mean, she takes care of them.
Yeah.
But in terms of the clear second point.
Yeah.
How do we move on from that?
It's just kind of fascinating that you have this woman who's like clearly very educated, knows what she's talking about.
Her demeanor is very calm.
She's got seven kids at home.
Right.
Very successful.
Career woman, family woman.
She's got it all.
She's speaking very eloquently to these people usually not, I guess she doesn't use notes for much of it.
And then it's not a big deal.
Almost every senator on the panel is just a total clown.
Just like asking some.
And then like they take all their time to like just give this massive speech and then it just goes to her and she's like, was there a question?
Yeah.
Well, it seems like a lot of them are like, what are you going to do when you have to vote for Roe versus Wade or whatever?
Like, what are you going to do?
Tell us now.
She's just like, it's not in front of me.
I'm not going to just tell you right now.
Like, it's, you know.
Yeah, because there's not going to be a case that says, overturn Roe v. Wade, yes or no.
Yeah.
The case is going to be a specific.
That's okay.
There's going to be some documents to look at.
There's going to be a little stuff to go through.
Depending on the circumstances, she'll try to rule what the Constitution applies, how the Constitution applies to this.
She said, yeah, I'm not that for you.
I'm not doing it for the president.
It's not how it works.
She said, I've made no commitment to anyone, not in the Senate, not over in the White House about how I would decide any case.
I'm not willing to make a deal, not with this committee, not with the president.
Oh, hey, look, the quote was right in there.
That seems very hateful and bigoted.
Yeah, it's very dogmatic.
Yeah.
The dogma lives loudly within Amy Coney Barrett.
So that was.
Feinstein said that.
Feinstein, That's a fine stein you have there.
Thank you.
You can get this at the Babylon beef.
We do have a fine Stein.
We do have a Stein.
Do you have the Stein?
I don't have the Stein.
I have it at my house.
You have the Stein.
I do not have the Stein.
I got to get it.
It's all right.
Yeah, it's cool.
Is it fine?
Yeah.
It's a fine stein.
Yeah, the dogma lives loudly within you.
She said that three years ago.
Did she say that in a weird, like, Star Wars guy voice or something?
It just sounds like she pre-wrote it.
The dark moon is loudly within you.
No.
The dark moon is loudly within you.
The guy at the hood, like the old Antifa guy.
The hood over his eye.
The emperor?
Yeah.
Antifa.
It's like black hood, I think, Antifa now.
Lives loudly within you.
Yeah, something like that.
I think in New York.
Oh, you're watching a video?
Yeah.
Professor.
I guess we can't hear the words that way.
I don't have the technology.
I was trying to find out what lives loudly is that lives loudly within you.
Okay.
That dog.
She didn't just say it lives.
She didn't wiggle her fingers or anything.
Within you.
So, but you know what's interesting is they kind of backed off the whole religious thing for most of this.
Like, I think they all got together and they were like, hey, if we just slam this girl for being religious and having a family, that's going to look really bad.
And so they just tried to hit her on like ACA, Roe v. Wade.
They tried to hit her on cases.
And they're pretty much getting their bottoms handed to them.
My mom listens to this podcast.
Yeah, bottoms.
Yeah.
It feels like I think it's obvious that it's weird that she has seven kids and she's so into the family and stuff.
But then once it comes out to a thing of this, then they kind of back off on that.
I do feel like the normal person looks at someone like her that has a career and a family like that and goes, you know, there's a, I have a lot of respect for that.
Like you must know what real life is like if you got that amount of kids, unless you've just got like an army of nannies, maybe.
I don't know.
I don't know how that works.
Maybe.
Just that the experience of having kids, you mean?
Yeah, it's just real life is inescapable with children.
No, maybe not.
Yeah, there's true.
There's no Barry Poppins parents.
There are exceptions where there's people that are just absolutely insane, even though they have a bunch of kids.
Yeah.
There's probably like a cause and effect thing, too.
You have a bunch of kids, then they drive you insane.
But I get what you're saying.
Like, if you have raised all these children, not a black and white thing, but they have a semi-head on their shoulders, and everybody seems pretty well balanced.
It's like, okay, you're not like, you're probably not Adolf Hitler.
To me, it's not absurd.
I don't look at that and go, there's something wrong with you.
Yeah, I can't.
There's a lot of do that, right?
Like, yeah.
Like, I'm not saying that having kids, having a bunch of kids means that you're like well-balanced and successful.
Yeah, maybe you're just not, especially if it's a bunch of different people.
I absolutely don't understand seeing it the opposite, which is what you're saying.
Right.
Saying all the kids, she's crazy.
Yeah.
Well, maybe healthy kind of crazy.
You got to be crazy to have that many kids, but maybe in a good way.
Yeah.
Let's go on to our next story.
Okay.
Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti, having opposed large religious gatherings in his city for the past seven months, has suddenly reversed course, allowing a large worship service to take place in the streets of the city last night.
Despite the ban on religious gatherings, the worshipers came together to honor their God, LeBron James, in a spontaneous outpouring of love and praise.
Worshipers in this religion, rather than singing songs or saying prayers, topple cars and throw things at the police.
It was a riot outside Staple Center.
Not really.
Is this a sports thing?
It's a sports thing.
Oh.
Who picked this story?
Who's LeBron James?
Yeah.
I know he's basketball.
Hockey.
Oh, basketball.
Yeah.
That's the one with the hoop.
And then the orange ball.
That's the orange ball one.
Is it always orange?
No.
I mean, you can use it.
It's traditionally orange.
It's the traditional color.
Yeah.
In the woke times, you probably don't want an orange basketball.
I'm sure it's too trumpy.
Oh, that's too close.
Yeah.
That's true.
Too close.
Regulation ball color NBA.
Let's see.
What's the origin of the orange ball?
This is way off.
What color is a basketball and why?
Why did it start orange?
What's a basketball?
History of the basketball.
History of the color change.
The first basketball was dark brown due to its heavy leather construction.
But color changed were not color changes were not seen until 1957.
The first orange basketball debuted in the NCAA championship game in 1958.
Everybody presenting the orange basketball.
Yeah.
We've worked long and hard on this.
Debut today.
Our RD guys have been spending millions.
Our basketball scientists have been working crazy hours.
It was basically just for visibility because they were like, no one can see the ball.
They're standing there, hey, over here.
And it just goes, oh, yeah, because you're throwing it at their face.
Yeah, because you throw it right at their face.
Why do they call me on green?
Yeah.
I feel like we can improve the basketball.
Yeah.
Get our best people on this.
Yeah, why is it?
I'm just throwing like autumn or something, you know.
The color of autumn.
Hockey puck is black, and it's very small.
But it's against white ice.
That's true.
The ice is going to get more.
The ice is white.
I just like our commentary on sports.
Oh, yeah.
Well, you know, the ice is white.
The ice is white.
Sea ball fly.
Puck black.
Ice white.
Puck small.
Ball big.
Do all people that are in this basketball know that we just truth we just dropped about why basketballs are orange?
I don't know.
Well, you're welcome.
So yeah, back to the actual story.
Merrick Garcetti and Newsome, Garb and Newsome governor, have famously been harassing churches, you know, standing outside the doors, tripping people, giving them wedgies, dumping their books.
You know, like Grace Community Church, places like that, MacArthur.
Jumping out from the bushes with symbols.
Yeah, throwing raccoons at them.
As they're drunk on poop wine.
That's a good callback.
It's a good callback.
I guess the ratings for this were bad.
Oh, yeah.
Basketball ratings are the worst they've been.
I don't know if that's the, you know, it's like people say, well, it's because the politics came in.
That might be part of it.
I also think like watching.
It's like, what?
It was a half a season or something, right?
And I don't know.
There's no fans in the audience, so nobody's excited to go to a game.
You don't want to check out the cardboard cutouts I got out there?
That's so stupid.
So stupid.
It doesn't feel like a real season to me.
I don't know what one feels like.
Usually in the Lakers or in the finals, I like at least know about it, even though I don't fall sports.
Just because it's like we live in LA and I see the flags, some people walking around with the shirts.
And I didn't even know they were in until I heard, oh, they won the finals.
I'm like, oh, okay.
I guess the finals were going on.
You're way ahead of me.
So I don't know.
So the finals are the last series.
They're the final thing.
Like the final one, yeah.
It's like the last boss.
Oh, you don't do video games.
Yeah, I get boss.
You get the boss thing.
Yeah.
So it's like a boss?
Like a giant basketball player comes out?
Yeah, they go out on a drawbridge over some lava.
And you have to take out different parts of them.
Yeah.
And then it's like, he starts flashing red.
Yeah.
And then you got to make like one final dunk.
And then he falls into the lava.
Okay.
So that's what it is.
I should get into watching sports.
I didn't realize that it was that cool.
Yeah, it is that cool.
So, sports.
Yeah, basketball.
Yeah.
We could just, it's more.
I think some of our listeners probably just want us to say it's all the woke stuff.
It's all the woke.
Get woke.
Go broke.
Yeah.
So they're just out there with these rainbow flags running around, the basketball, the giant picture of a transgender baby on it or something.
I don't know what they're.
And then losing ratings left and right.
President Xi.
President Xi's face is on the ball.
Yeah.
Yeah, he looks kind of like a transgender baby, I guess.
Yeah.
I don't even know what a transgender baby.
You can't tell.
They look like the same.
You can't tell a baby, boy, or girl.
Some you can.
That's, you know, you're going to be really feminine if you look like a girl immediately.
Yeah, because they just look like humans.
They just look like a little pudgy Play-Doh human.
Yeah.
Made it out of Play-John.
How about story three?
No more sports.
Joe Biden was asked yet again today if he plans to abolish the Constitution, overthrow Congress, dismiss the Supreme Court, and set up a communist regime to take their place.
But he refused to answer the question, saying voters will find out whether he plans to seize the means of production and institute a one-party rule, USSR style.
Look, if I tell you whether or not I plan to institute a new communist order, establishing a glorious worker-led revolution that will lead us out of this capitalistic nightmare and into a paradisical utopia, that would become the headline, Biden said.
That would be playing Trump's game.
So I'm not going to say whether or not I support this fantastic idea.
And then he said, who stopped?
Yeah.
Who stopped?
Don't the voters deserve to know whether you do this communist utopia?
No.
They don't.
No, no, the voters don't deserve to know.
They don't deserve anything.
They deserve.
He deserves them.
I'm Joe Biden and I'm running for Senate.
Oh, yeah, he said that recently.
It's like all actual quotes.
Yeah.
Every time that guy has to say a number, it's just, he can't get like he adds a million to it.
Yeah.
They're like, what time's the press conference with the trade?
He's like 10.30 a.m. million.
That's like all the, you guys see these lists of like where the Bible is mistranslated.
Yeah, mistakes or whatever.
Yeah, mistakes owned.
Atheists have their list and it's always like a number.
It wasn't 10,000.
It was 10 million or something.
It was like, they had to rock by a zero.
Yeah.
So some scribe just copied it wrong or something.
Biden also said 210 million people have died from the coronavirus.
That's true.
Did he say they'd be dead by the end of his speech or something like that?
He did that.
And then later on, like last week, he said 210 million have already died.
They've already died.
Wow.
Million.
Like on his teleprompter, they need to start writing like that part in Big Capital Letters.
All two words.
100,000.
Yeah, because that's probably what it is.
The teleprompter has it in numbers.
Thomas, 100 trillion?
Yeah.
What is that?
Hmm.
Yeah.
So this is referring to all the court packing.
I thought there was another thing, too, that he said this about.
But yeah, they're just like, yeah, we're not talking about that.
That's not important.
It's kind of important.
It's a little bit important.
It's just kind of obvious.
If ACB goes in, they're going to do it, right?
If ACB is confirmed.
If it's confirmed, Joe Biden gets elected.
They'll just add seats to the court.
They're going to do it.
I think it's politically unpopular.
You think so?
Yeah.
Well, I know it's politically unpopular.
Yeah.
That's why they got all this internal polling data.
RBG wasn't a fan.
They got all this internal polling data that everybody's against the court packing.
And then all of a sudden, they like came out.
They'll come with a different name for it that sounds better.
But that's already what they're doing.
And we'll talk about this with our.
I'm just kidding.
We'll talk about this with our 1984 stuff.
Court.
Are we doing the 1984 thing?
Oh, yeah, we are.
Yeah, that's on our list here.
What's a nicer word than packing?
Like nestling, settling.
Yeah, nestling.
Or like what's in the tenderly placing, organizing, court enhancing.
What they're calling it is rebalancing.
Rebalancing.
Oh, okay.
And depoliticizing.
They're so good at this.
They're so good at the spin.
It's a word you can never be against.
Oh, who doesn't want to be rebalanced?
You want to be off balance?
Oh, because you are a jerk.
For decades, this has been an accepted term.
Court packing means adding seats to the court and putting your guy on it.
That's what it means.
And all of a sudden, they're saying, well, Republicans have confirmed a bunch of justices to open existing seats in the court.
That's court packing.
What we're doing is rebalancing.
Like the master, the evil cleverness that it takes to say what we're doing is not what we're doing.
It's what you're doing.
What we're doing is the good thing to stop the thing that you're doing, the thing that we're actually doing.
Like that's pretty sinister.
It's almost like they're demon-possessed.
It's almost like they're.
I'm the demon who dwelt with Ted Kennedy.
I am me.
I am who dwelt with Gilbert Gottfried.
I am the first name that came to my head.
He who dwelt with Alyssa Milano.
What, two, three, four, five, sex?
Someone's going to cut that out.
Yeah.
And then post like the Babylon Bee is hatefully saying all Democrats are demons.
Yeah.
Or something.
Oh, well.
So they can do that.
And then we'll get a lot of views.
That'll be fun.
Please do that.
Yeah.
So I don't know.
Be interesting to see who wins this election.
Yeah.
I have no idea what's going to happen.
So no idea.
Nobody knows.
I think this is such an unprecedented thing.
It's just like an unprecedented thing.
This is the most important election of our lifetime.
Unironically, people are saying that the most important election of all time.
I actually do.
I actually, yeah.
It's so clownish and ridiculous at this point.
I almost am tempted to think the opposite.
But it's not that important.
It's just, it's going to be, I don't know.
I do think some of the rollback for that, but I don't know.
That's my.
I do think that's probably why voting is down.
More people are starting to feel that way.
There are some important issues that the parties are diametrically opposed on, but there are some very important challenges that are facing our country that they're exactly the same on.
You know, things like the national debt.
No one's willing to talk about taking down the $30 trillion national.
They're opposed on issues like abortion is such a big dividing issue.
Right.
Very little ever gets done.
Right.
Right.
Just, hey, vote for us.
Yeah, you got our vote, but very little actually gets done.
Yeah.
Though it does seem like more has happened in the last, at least in states, certain states and things.
But then it all gets, it's like you hear about it.
Anyway, we're on a whole thing.
No, I do feel like I do feel like in the past, a lot of presidential elections were a matter of degree.
Like we both agree in the direction, but I want to go farther or I want to go less far.
And now I feel like it's just like these guys want to make it into Disneyland and these guys want to make it into Universal Studios.
Well, no, those would kind of be the same thing.
Eggplant farm.
See?
Yes, eggplant farm.
Those exist?
Exclusively eggplants?
Yeah, you got to think that's more of an add-on that you throw into an existing.
Yeah, you got a lot of stuff.
I'm going to Google it.
Exotic eggplant greenhouse.
Eggplant farm.
Why are eggplants dark purple?
I'm an eggplant farmer and I'm appalled at this article's call.
Oh, after I found out what the eggplant emoji means.
What?
It means something?
It's a sexual thing.
Oh, really?
I always thought there was a racist thing with eggplant.
I don't think it's racist.
I think it's supposed to be like you text your bae and you go, hey, let's Netflix and chill.
And then you add the eggplant.
Really?
That means like, let's have some Thai stir-fry.
Yeah, I wouldn't know what it meant.
Let's have some spicy basil eggplant.
If my wife sent that to me, let's Netflix and chill and eggplant.
I'd come home with like eggplants.
Yeah.
Be like, all right, what do we want?
I guess I got to Google this now.
We're so adorably ignorant and naive at Babylon Bee.
Do you like eggplant?
I like eggplant.
Like, the real, it's probably considered a fruit.
Not the sex thing, though.
Yeah, the actual actual food.
I don't.
I used to cook it constantly.
I don't.
It absorbs flavor.
I don't think I've ever had eggplant.
Really?
Probably.
I could see that.
I've probably had it in a salad and didn't know.
We're like, you know.
You're going to eat eggplant salad.
Like, you don't think that's some fancy place with like, you remember when we went to the Prager Conference and they had that really fancy salad with the weird crap and the weird, like, sauce?
Oh, you were sitting at the far back table.
Yeah, you probably get, I probably got corn dog on a stick or something.
They gave me the kids' menu.
All right, well, let's go into our topic of the week.
All right, if you've been listening to the Babylon Bee podcast, you heard our interview with Matt Chastain, who made a movie called Small Group.
Small Group the Movie.
It's a comedy drama about a filmmaker who infiltrates a small group while making a documentary about the dwindling influence of Christianity in America.
It won Best Picture at the International Christian Film Festival.
You know, you guys remember Kira Davis?
She's been on this, I guess, good friend at the B.
She wrote this: Small Group isn't what I've come to expect from Christian movies.
It's not cheesy.
It is really well written, acted, and beautifully shot.
I laughed out loud a lot, but then there were moments that I actually cried.
She cried, man.
Wow.
Kira Davis cries.
You know, it's moving.
So the movie, while not being shy, is in itself self-deprecating about certain aspects of the Christian culture.
It's a celebration of the one thing that people are craving most right now, community.
So it's available on DVD or Blu-ray at smallgroupmovie.com, and it's also available for digital streaming on Amazon.
We need more Christian comedies in the world.
We do.
Check out Small Group, the movie.
And now, the Babylon Bee's topic of the week.
All right, Webster's dictionary made headlines this week.
Miriam-Webster.
Miriam Webster.
You know, forget Miriam.
There's Bob Miriam and Jim Webster.
Oh, I thought Miriam was a woman.
Made Miriam.
I assumed it was Bob Miriam's last name.
Probably.
Bob Miriam and Joe.
He has a beautiful woman last name like me.
It could have easily been Nicole Webster, but it's not.
Webster Nicole.
No, it's Miriam-Webster.
So what would have been Nicole Webb?
Oh, is there a guy named Miriam-Webster?
I thought Miriam Webster was hyphen-webster.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I told you it's Bob Miriam and Joe Webster.
Got it.
Anyway, so Amy Coney Barrett at the hearing, she used the term sexual preference.
And almost immediately, it was.
I think actually Senator Hirono said.
Hirono?
Yeah, Senator.
Oh, it's Hawaiian, right?
Hiram was that you said.
I didn't know this person.
It sounds like something you wave when you leave the plane in Hawaii.
Hirono.
Yeah.
I don't know if that's about Mahalo.
It's like their beer.
Yeah.
Their beer?
You put a little slice of pineapple in it and Hirono.
Is that what?
Do they do that?
No.
I don't know.
I was trying to make a Corona joke.
Stupid.
Really stupid.
It's one of those jokes I'm supposed to make quickly and you just drive.
And then I just keep talking.
It's one of the ones that I'm supposed to not even hear you.
Don't let lock into it.
Okay.
All right.
Hirono.
It's not beer.
I think she was the one who was the one who criticized Barrett, saying it was offensive for her to use the term sexual preference because that implies that people can choose.
It's like she said sexual preference.
All of a sudden everybody goes, gasp.
The whole room.
I don't think anybody.
A few monocles popped out.
Fetch the fainting cow.
A few bow ties.
Fetch my pearls.
And then they.
Yeah.
What does that mean?
Clutching them.
Because you're like, oh no.
You think they're going to be stolen?
Oh, I don't know.
That's a good idea.
Let's see.
Clutching.
I've always wondered what that meant, clutching your pearls.
It means, right, like you're, yeah, I didn't know what it means.
The phrase clutching pearls.
Like you're pretending you're in danger, you're being heroic, or there's some like a being a kind of a demagogic.
I don't know like what the is a demagogue or demagogic.
I don't remember.
I don't know.
I can't.
You used all these different ways.
It's a genteel woman clutching her pearl necklace in shock.
We'll get to the bottom of that later.
I don't have the instinct of like, I don't have the instinct to do this, though.
Like if I get it doesn't make sense to me.
It's like covering your mouth.
Okay.
But it's like grabbing the pearls.
Okay.
So.
Like you feel like you're going to get robbed.
Yeah.
So anyway, the basic feel was that they had nothing on Amy Coney Barrett.
They had no, they had, they weren't able to find any old high school yearbooks like with Kavanaugh, where she wrote like, let's do the devil's triangle.
They couldn't find any pictures of her like holding a bunch of beer kegs, walking into a frat party.
I'm sure they looked.
So they didn't have somebody to like, yeah, on a certain night.
I don't have exact within this like range of time.
Amy Coney Barrett.
I don't know.
Somebody to have some kind of story.
Yeah.
Gotta be something.
But they couldn't find it.
No, nothing.
Nothing.
Squeaky clean.
So they're like, they have all the strategists in the back room and they're like, oh, she said sexual preference.
That's it.
Let's turn it into something.
So then they call Miriam.
They call Joe Bob Miriam and they say, hey, we're in the middle of this hearing.
We're getting destroyed.
Hold on.
I'm trying to write a third 300 definition of Bob.
This is important.
Okay.
Bahav, we need you to change the definition of sexual preference so that it's offensive.
Can you do that for us?
I'm on a tight schedule, but I'll just add parentheses offensive just to the definition right now.
We'll figure it out later.
I wasn't asking.
Okay.
We're on it.
We're on it.
That was me hanging up the phone.
Jim, get on it.
Get over there.
Parentheses offensive.
Yeah.
All right.
So then they asked.
So they did, right?
So then they, they, that day.
See, I already, because I didn't know the context of this story, I saw, I just saw you post that, and I didn't even know this was connected to the hearing.
And I already thought it was weird just that, like, they did that.
Yeah, just the fact that you all of a sudden say very now and they've just added like that they can tell us all that it's offensive now.
Yeah, that's really weird.
And but then to know that it happened like that very day.
That very day when someone went and looked through the language just to fit.
Yeah, someone went, someone must have been looking it up, like, this can't be offensive.
They look, they pulled it up on Webster and it says offensive.
And they're like, what?
So this guy went and he compared it to the web archive on way back in the day.
Yeah, where you can go look up old.
I always use it.
Like, I want to go see what MXPX's website looked like in 1999 when I used to visit it every day.
Yeah, I like to find my old website for our band that's like gone now.
Yeah.
My old flash header and everything.
And it's really sad.
MySpace doesn't work on there anymore.
Oh, really?
Like, you can't go find your old MySpace page, which is probably good for a lot of us.
Yeah.
Probably very good for me.
Because Tom graciously deleted all of our file, all the files on the server on accident.
They said, oh, you know what, guys?
We actually didn't delete it all.
But you know, someone did that on purpose.
Like, I love that I only always think of him as that.
No, he didn't even, he wasn't thumbs up.
He was hands on the keyboard, right?
Smiling.
Oh, is he?
I just imagine him with thumbs up, even though he doesn't have it.
But he looks like he's smiling.
I think he's like, let's see, Tom, oh, maybe his hands aren't even on a keyboard.
He's just sitting at a he's got like a whiteboard behind him, and he's going, Wait, yeah, something like that.
I'm sure they can put up the picture.
Tom never forsook us.
Forsook.
Forsaked us.
Hmm.
We betrayed him.
We turned our backs on him.
So, yeah, language.
People using words.
Irresponsibly using words.
That's what language is.
That's what we're talking about right now.
George Orwell.
Every record has been destroyed or falsified.
Every book rewritten.
Every picture has been repainted.
Every statue and street building has been renamed.
Every date has been altered.
And the process is continuing day by day and minute by minute.
History has stopped.
Nothing exists except an endless present in which the party is always right.
Sounds like a Beastie Boys album.
The party is always right.
They always had a different country that was the bad guy, right?
It was like something Asia.
Eurasia?
Eurasia.
Yeah.
East Asia.
Yeah, so these different ones.
We've always been at war with war out there.
But then it shifted at some point in the story to a different one.
I don't remember.
Yeah, by the end of the book, it was like, I think in the last couple of pages, where he's finally accepted that.
Spoiler alert.
Oh, I think if the book is 60 years old, it's probably eight years old.
But I always think of that whenever I think of, well, even COVID, I think.
Like, yeah, I know that there's serious things about COVID going, but it gets used.
It gets used as a, we're at war.
Don't you know we're at war with the virus?
And so it just justifies any irrationality.
We've always been at war with coronavirus.
It's always been a war of something.
Yeah.
There's something.
That's why there was always something in the news to try to take down Trump.
And now it's COVID now, right?
Like there's nothing else.
Like that suddenly there's no Russia gate.
There's no like there's no other thing that Trump has going on, secret behind closed doors.
They're like, oh, Corona's great.
We got this now.
Remember, remember the phone call to the Ukraine?
To Ukraine?
The Ukraine?
Ukraine?
Oh, yeah.
The Ukraine.
I don't know.
What's the preferred article?
Ukraine.
Yeah, Ukraine.
Ukraine, me crane, we all crane.
I don't know.
Remember that?
Like, that was like the big, like, this is going to end it.
Isn't that what they impeached him for?
Bombshell.
Bombshell.
The walls are closing in.
Bombshell.
Game over.
The Trump administration is shaking in their booties.
Is that the thing?
They're wearing like little booties.
Yeah.
I think just boots.
Like, I don't think you need to shake in booties.
Shaking in the booties.
Oh, shaking their shake your booty.
Shake your booty.
Shaking in your boots.
Yeah.
Two different things.
It was a mix-up.
Sad.
Yeah, didn't it?
Is that what they impeached him for?
Was the phone call to Ukraine?
That was the impeachment.
That's what they actually impeached him for.
Remember the whole quid pro quo?
Yeah.
Like, he was offering this for that.
And it's just all so murky in my head.
Yeah.
The thing is, like, maybe Trump has had some scandals.
But it's like they just, every day they're like turned up to 11.
Like, it's like your kids, like, when they scream a lot in the other room, it's like, oh, gosh.
And the first time that happens, you run downstairs.
Oh, no, what's wrong?
What's wrong?
No, I spilled my cereal.
And there's no marshmallows in the Lucky Charms box.
And you're like, oh, okay.
And then the next time, it's a boy who cried wolf situation.
Because eventually, as a parent, you're just like, they're fine.
They're all right.
Yeah, it's like blood-curdling scream for like 13 minutes.
So little baby Jim Acosta's in the other room going, No, Trump committed an impeachable offense.
I can also say, Do you know the other thing your kids like to do is like, you know, they'll like they'll just do something really dumb and they'll keep asking you to watch them do it over and over again.
Daddy, watch this.
Daddy, watch this.
Yeah.
Over and over.
Over and over.
Yeah, I always regret doing something that my son likes.
Yeah.
Just one little toss-up in the air.
Oh, yeah.
Make a stupid face, do a stupid voice, 17 hours.
Yep.
Worst decision ever.
Yeah.
Yeah, what happened to Facebook?
So another thing that happened that was very 1984 Orwellian.
Well, I was four in 1984.
I was negative three was New York Post.
The New York Post put out the story about Hunter Biden.
Smoking gun email.
No, I don't know how consequential it is.
Everything's a smoking gun nowadays.
That's like a momently.
I'm burned out with it.
Yeah, I glaze over.
But they have this smoking gun article about Hunter Biden and how he talked to a Ukraine businessman and got all these favors exchanged so that he could meet the vice president.
That's what Trump did.
It's similar, very similar thing.
I read this quid pro quo thing that they're talking about.
And immediately, Facebook's, let me get this right.
Okay.
Somebody at Facebook, some peon, he's got 5,000 followers or something.
Yeah.
Lame o.
Yeah, like, gosh.
Do you even exist at that point?
What are you?
Some kind of Dunkin' Donuts worker?
He immediately said.
I apologize to Dunkin' Donuts employees.
We've probably like 25% of our fans and work at Dunkin' Donuts.
So Facebook's guy, Facebook's little peon.
This peon.
Peon.
Why is he a peon?
Why do you not like him?
You don't like him, obviously.
Well, I'm just saying, because he's just this, he used to work for like all these Democratic campaigns and stuff.
I'm trying to find him.
Andy Stone.
Okay.
Communications at Facebook.
Used to work for the House Majority PAC, Senator Boxer.
So it's like this revolving door where he was in politics and now he's working for big tech and Facebook.
Okay.
Okay.
He says, right after the story came out, he wrote, While I will intentionally not link to the New York Post, I want to be clear that the story is eligible to be fact-checked by Facebook's third-party fact-checking partners.
In the meantime, we are reducing its distribution on our platform.
So before this story has been fact-checked by Facebook's official fact-checkers.
Okay.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm trying to follow.
Before it was fact check, he says, we're going to squash this.
Okay.
He said it publicly?
Yeah, he just tweeted it.
He said, we're not going to let those get shared very widely on Facebook.
So if you post it, they're going to hide it.
It's damning.
It's darning.
It's very darning.
It's very darning to Hunter Biden, supposedly.
That's the thing.
Normally, it'd be like, oh, yeah, New York Post bombshell, whatever.
But when all big tech is like, we got to hide this.
I'm like, oh, maybe it's real then.
It's a very like Streisand effect.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So then it made it go bigger.
And then I guess Twitter was actually, if you tried to share the link, they said this link may be harmful.
Really?
Big message pop up.
It's like the, I don't know.
We did one joke.
We did the story about Facebook warning you if you're posting something about COVID and it's positive.
You had a little bit of hope.
A little bit of hope.
Are you sure?
Fuck up, guys.
We're going to get through this.
Yeah.
Are you sure you want to?
You're better.
You know what it said.
I didn't write it.
Oh, you didn't?
Joel wrote it.
I was probably recording a podcast.
I was probably at Disney World at the time.
You remember stuff back to me then?
But yeah, it was good.
It feels like that right now.
It feels like social media is, as we get close to the election, more and more paranoid about what they're going to.
I guess they got this blowback last time with the whole Trump thing.
They think that they did it.
Do you get the little message all the time to register to vote from Facebook?
Yeah.
I'm getting those everywhere.
Like I'm just sitting on the toilet and Mark.
And they're all like, mail.
Mail vote.
It's all over the place.
Like, I'm getting all this stuff up mailing.
Mail you vote in.
I'm like sitting on the toilet.
This is the first year I've been like, I think.
I'm trying to tell toilet jokes.
Can I tell my toilet joke?
Yeah.
I was just sitting on the toilet and Mark Zuckerberg jumps through the window and he's like, hey, have you registered to vote?
Oh my gosh.
Sorry.
Was it worth it?
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's funny.
Maybe.
But no, it's the first time I've like, I always did the mail-in vote in California, but now I don't know, just to stick it to him.
Could you always mail-in vote?
I know you could absentee.
Is that the same?
It's not the same thing.
It's pretty common in California.
You have to request it.
You can sign up for it or I don't know.
You have to request it before.
And now they're just sending them to everybody.
Yeah.
I mean, I thought I requested originally or whatever, and it just, I always get a ballot in the mail.
Oh.
I kind of wonder if the mail-in voting thing for some demographics will make people vote less.
Because if I have to remember to mail something in, some people just never mail something.
I'm just like, oh, shoot.
Yeah, I was supposed to take that.
So you might have all these people who fill it out.
I'm going to mail this.
And it's just left in their car.
Or they try to stick it in that little opening in the computer that they don't know is for an old thing called a disc.
Yeah.
I think that'll be a good thing.
All right, here we go.
Mailing it in.
Uh-huh.
I don't know.
So, anyway.
What about email voting?
Email voting.
Great idea.
What could go wrong?
What could go wrong?
There is no email voting, is there?
I don't think so.
Hillary Clinton wants that to happen.
According to the Babylon Bee.
Yeah.
Vote for my email.
Well, good.
Good.
Good job.
Good job.
That topic was thoroughly covered.
So 1984, welcome.
Go read before instead of listening to this podcast today.
Yeah, because it's a great book.
It's a great book.
I really miss Adam Ford.
The Babylon Bee was featured on the New York Times Sunday website thing.
Yeah, New York Times.
They're a big deal.
And you know, the New York Times readers love the Babylon Bee.
Oh, yeah.
So they gave us some comments.
And I haven't read these, and I'm sure my feelings are going to get hurt.
Oh, you haven't read these?
So, tissues, can I get tissues ready?
Here we go.
We're going to have to get the hateful comments from the New York Times readers who are triggered.
Not really.
I was saying that ironically.
But here we go.
Okay.
Satire needs a basis of truth to be effective.
Hence why Republicans aren't funny.
Got to say it.
I was checking out some of their stuff.
I wanted to give them a fair hearing.
In my opinion, their material and presentation is complete.
And then they died.
They must have died because it just that's literally all it says.
It just says our material was so bad, we killed this comment.
Uh, I like when they say that has to be a basis of truth to be effective, but then I assume that they believe people have like their truth, your truth, my truth.
Yeah, so maybe it's just not funny according to their truth.
Yeah, so hilarious when their satire.
This person's name is I Am Cake.
Their satire inspired local wackos to call our bookstore repeatedly demanding to know if we'd stop selling Bibles.
Huh?
We read that hate my before.
Oh, he did?
No, not that one.
But remember, we read a couple of those angry Barnes and Noble.
That's your fault.
That is my fault.
We weren't even making a joke about Barnes and Noble.
Yeah, we were just using their bookstore.
Their little logo was on the thing.
Yeah, I feel a little bad about that.
No, they shouldn't be compared to The Onion.
They aren't funny.
How I long for the days of the Wittenberg door.
Now, that was good Christian satire.
So good that it went out of business.
I added that part.
That's not received.
It's why Reliant K was never Blink 182.
Oh, so we're like the knockout.
We're like, because we're the Christian knockoff.
Reliant K was better than Blink 182 and I don't even like Reliance.
It is true.
Yeah, I mean, if you're honest.
Well, I mean, they didn't suffer from cheesy lyric syndrome.
A lot of Christian bands have that.
Not always, but Blink 182 were brilliant lyrics.
No, not brilliant.
I never liked Blink 182.
I hated Blink 182.
We'll take it.
Well, it seems like in pop punk, like the more, the better you are music-wise.
Yeah.
Sorry, I'm re-reallying again.
Republican comedy is an oxymoron, says James.
Did you read this one?
I don't remember.
It's a well-established fact that conservatives just aren't funny.
All paths.
I'll just state this as a fact.
Face palm, Those are all emojis.
Those are face palm emojis.
Funny is funny, but at the end of the day, they're simply trying to defend Trump's corrupt and morally bankrupt regime.
Oh, yeah.
People that get they want to see because we get that from the other side, too.
They don't understand, like we did at a recent cartoon with our Trump supporter, Chet.
Yeah, and there's a bunch of Trump supporters on there that were like, not all Trump supporters are just crazy guys shooting guns in the air.
That's out of comedy work.
Satire.
They don't get it.
They think you have to be on a side.
Why is the right so dismally bad at humor?
Gross.
It just is gross.
Yeah.
Gross.
If the right were good at comedy, they'd have packed clubs across the MAGA states, but they suck at it.
Seriously, this material sucks.
We got somebody who pointed out a missing single quotation mark in one of their quotes.
A little grammar Nazi in there.
Oh, but they're making fun of the New York Times for a typo, right?
The B is such a half-hearted onion ripoff that it's embarrassing to read what they consider funny.
It's stunning that they put resources and effort into the product they put out.
These aren't very good.
Yeah, they're just, yeah.
It's better when they either think it's real and send something.
Well, no, I'm just meaning like if they're going to write tweets, they should have a little more respect for the art form and like write a good, interesting, funny tweet to read.
Yeah.
They're criticizing us.
Like they should be funny and they should have some, you know, like a little wit.
Like I appreciate it.
A lot of these are like if it was if there was a tweet, like if there was a New York Times Babylon B article comment generator, they're exactly what we'd expect.
Conservatives can't do a comedy.
Like that's half of these.
I love how hard the writer, I think he's talking about me.
Okay.
I love how hard the writer worked to craft an alternative narrative that mocking the left was just funnier to the obvious truth that the bees started sucking up to Trump as soon as they could see he was the GOP standard bearer.
They're just another enabler organization in right-wing media.
Did it seem like that was one thing about the article?
It kind of felt like it.
Yeah, it was like trying to paint a narrative that like we started off.
The Babylon Bee used to make fun of Trump and now we just suck up.
That's true.
Yeah.
So probably most of the people haven't even read it.
Yep.
Well, yeah, everybody has their narrative about what the Babylon Bee does, based on what they see, based on the stories they see, they have their narrative.
Don't say more, see who we can find.
Don't say the Babylon B is like the onion for conservatives.
Say the onion is.
Oh, wait.
This guy might be agreeing with us.
Here, this is Love Mail.
Say The Onion is the way less funny and knockoff version of the Babylon B for liberals.
I thought they were making fun of us.
They were complimenting us.
Why?
Elevate these unfunny dopes.
The key to funny jokes is punching up, not down.
Oh, man.
See, that's one of the beef from the generator.
Trump constantly punches down, so making fun of the people he punches isn't funny.
220,000 dead by the end of the year, but please keep yucking it up.
Like, we're not allowed to have joke activity.
People died.
Nothing.
Like, last year, you could say, what, however many, 60,000 people died.
And the guy's name is NBA Forever with a picture of a basketball.
220,000 dead by the end of the year.
But yeah, sure.
Keep watching basketball.
Keep playing with your orange ball.
Orange dork ball player?
I don't know. I'm sorry this is happening to you.
That's another comment, Jim.
I mean, that's like they're talking the New York Times, but we always have that guy.
This one's interesting.
Okay.
This guy's doing it like a script.
A script.
New York Times.
We need to both sides this right now.
Babylon B.
But we're actually not funny.
New York Times.
Nothing.
Silence.
Babylon B. Really, really unfunny.
It's nothing like the onion.
It's what conservatives like.
New York Times.
Okay, we'll run a profile in our liberal newspaper saying it's actually funny.
I think I worked really hard on that.
Yeah, I respect that.
I appreciate that.
I actually respect that.
There's a reply to it.
Oh, the guy.
The reply says, cringe while you tried.
I respect him more than this guy does.
People got to be artful about their tweets.
You know, put more effort into them.
Well, yeah, okay.
I hope we found a good one, but that sounds like a really good, funny person losing their mind.
How about this guy that's mad at the thread?
He's mad at the people who are mad at us.
Okay.
I love the whiny liberals on this thread complaining about a satirical site that mocks their stupidity.
What losers.
And his name is Take the Red Pill.
See, that was funny.
That's perfect.
I like that.
All right.
That's our hate mail.
Okay.
Thanks for joining us, guys.
This is our show.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's it.
This is your show.
We're done.
But if you're a subscriber, you get some more cool stuff.
We're going to dissect a sign you might have seen going around.
Put the sign up on the screen, Dan.
We're going to dissect this woke sign.
We're going to talk about the sign because it's fun to talk about things.
Because that's what you do on a podcast.
That are dumb.
That are dumb.
And is that it?
That's all we need, right?
Yeah, I think that's what I was doing.
We always need a hate mail, yeah.
And subscribe to the Babylon B on YouTube and get some cool cartoons and comments coming and talking.
Talk to us.
Read, they want to saw someone like, Do you guys actually read these comments in the comments?
Then I'll reply.
And they're like, Oh, yeah, they're real, they're real people.
Oops.
All right, everybody.
See you later.
Mask up.
The rest of this podcast is in our super exclusive premium subscriber lounge.
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Until next time, this is Dave D'Andrea, the voice of the Babylon Bee, reminding you to go forth and find us someone who can give us the inside scoop on Carmen.
I'm sitting on the toilet.
Mark Zuckerberg jumps through the window and he's like, Hey, have you registered to vote?