Get Dead Soon/Fact Checks/Bee Kid Pitches News Show 10.9.2020
This is the Babylon Bee Weekly News Podcast for the week of 10/9/2020. Be sure to check out The Babylon Bee YouTube Channel for more podcasts, podcast shorts, animation, and more. In this episode of The Babylon Bee Podcast, Kyle and Ethan talk about the week's biggest stories like Democrats hoping Trump "gets dead soon" after coming down with coronavirus, USA Today keeping the internet safe from satire, and Bee kids sending The Babylon Bee their best headline pitches. Kyle and Ethan also talk about murderous witches, Satanic billboards, and fat bears and get a chance to speak with filmmaker Matt Chastain about his new movie Small Group. Introduction Kyle hatches a scheme to fly across the country to be with his family and Kyle and Ethan discuss how kids age a parent. Stuff That's Good Kyle likes his son's YouTube channel Punk Rock Kid Ethan likes Brian Regan Weird News Teen secures record for world's longest female legs She is from Texas, 17 years old, 6'10" and has the longest legs record but not tallest woman (who happens to be 7'3" from Russia) Taller than Doug TenNapel Palm tree takes trimmer for wild ride high over the ground A tree trimmer in California went for a wild ride on a tall palm tree when cutting the fronds free caused the tree trunk to whip upright from a bent-over position. Man puts 125 scoops on an ice cream cone for world record The 125 scoops were balanced on a single waffle cone US jails man who bought Lamborghini with government loan He took out a 1.6 million dollar loan from the government for coronavirus lockdown aid and got noticed when he spent 200 grand on the car. Accused Killer Convinced Her Tinder Date to Join Murderous Coven of Witches The couple accused of fatally strangling 24-year-old Sydney Loofe after wooing her on a dating app allegedly convinced at least one other Tinder date that they controlled a coven of witches who gained their powers by killing people. "To get your power, you have to breathe in their last breath," a witness, referred to on the stand as A.H., testified Satanic Temple Sues Billboard Company for Declining Abortion 'Religious Ritual' Advertisements They're trying to argue their religious freedom demands their right to an abortion and are suing the billboard company for religious discrimination for not putting up their billboard Fat Bear Week 2020 crowns chunkster "Earl of Avoirdupois" as fattest bear Each week people had to vote between two bears on who they think is the fattest in a bracket The winner was 1400 pounds roughly Kindergarten teacher gets fired for tattooing his eyeballs black Kindergarten teacher has spent 450 hours under the tattoo gun and still teaches ages 6 and up. Check out the picture! Stories of the Week Story 1 Trump's Hospital Room Flooded With 'Get Dead Soon' Cards From Democrats Summary: It's been a trying time for the country and President Donald Trump as he has been stuck at Walter Reed Medical Center trying to get better. Keeping Trump company is a flood of cards from Democrats wishing him to "Get dead soon." "I hope you die!", "You deserve this!", and "I want you to die and go to hell -- Russian hell!" read some of the cards sent by poor-wishers, cards that now decorate the president's room. Such cards have become so popular that Hallmark has added a "For Sick Presidents You Don't Like" section, including some humorous ones where a cartoon cat dances on Trump's grave. Trump got COVID, so did a bunch of people at the White House. Media seemed pretty pumped that the President could die on Friday when it was announced that he has contracted the virus Trump walked himself to the helicopter on the White House lawn to go to the hospital "out of an abundance of caution" He posted several photos and videos over the weekend showing him working and thanking his supporters. Internet conspiracies went nuts about reflections on the table in the photos, the timestamps in the exif data, Trump seemingly signing a blank piece of paper i.e. "He staged these photos! He's not working or he doesn't have COVID!" The Media and bluecheck types seemed to either think Trump was faking COVID or was covering up how bad his situation was. Trump rode around in an SUV to thank gathered supporters and wave Trump was released from the hospital Monday. Story 2 Governor Whitmer Refuses To Throw Ring Of Power Back Into Fires Of Mount Doom Summary: In legal news, a Michigan Supreme Court has ordered Governor Gretchen Whitmer to throw the Ring of Power, which she has wielded to enact tyrannical coronavirus restrictions upon her citizens, back into the fires of Mount Doom. "Nooo! Not my precious!" Whitmer screamed as the state Supreme Court handed down the order to destroy the Ring. "Nasty, nasty Constitution! We don't likes it! Nasty, fat Founding Fathers!" She turned and left. The court ruled 4-3 that Whitmer's decision to declare a state of emergency without approval from state legislators was unconstitutional She could declare a state of emergency but must get approval for extension "after 28 days" according to the law The plaintiffs in the case were health care providers who could not perform "nonessential" medical procedures due to the extension Also Mentioned: Go to our Youtube Channel and check out a music video that seemed like it came out forever ago. Story 3 USA Today Publishes Fact-Check On Whether A Priest, A Rabbi, And A Minister Really Walked Into A Bar Together Summary: After hearing someone tell a questionable story about how a priest, a rabbi, and a minister walked into a bar together, USA Today published a 1,200-word fact check on the tall tale. Citing over 15 sources to cast doubt on the story, USA Today handily dismantled the fib. The Babylon Bee ran this story: Genius Trump Nominates Joe Biden To Supreme Court Forcing Dems To Accuse Him Of Sexual Assault USA TODAY actually fact checked this article with their story: Fact check: False claim suggesting Trump nominated Biden to the Supreme Court started out as satire They also fact checked Ninth Circuit Court Overturns Death Of Ruth Bader Ginsburg How many sources did they use to show this was factually inaccurate, morally true? Topic of the Week: Christians making movies with Small Group Director Matt Chastain. Also we asked subscribers to Send Us The Best Headline Pitches From Your Kids. Hate Mail We got a comment about the quiet man in plaid and the liberal in the Legend of Zelda t-shirt. Subscriber Portion MAILBAG Sarah sends us a message asking about whether or not every Christian ought to have a "road to Damascus" conversion moment or a sense that "God told me" to know which way to go in life. To watch or listen to the full podcast, become a subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans
In a world of fake news, we bring you up-to-the-minute factual inaccuracy and a heavy dose of moral truth with your hosts, Kyle Mann and Ethan Nicole.
This is the Babylon Bee.
Fake news you can trust.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to the Babylon Bee Podcast.
I'm Kyle Mann.
I'm Ethan Nicole.
You right on cue.
Yeah.
I'm so proud of you.
You've done it a lot now.
You've come a long way.
We're getting seasoned.
My child.
Thanks.
Who's older than me?
Yeah.
A lot, kind of.
A good amount.
A good amount.
You're not that much older than me, but you are one generation older than me.
Yeah.
I'm.
But you're young for your generation, and I'm older.
It's weird because you have a good amount of kids.
Three kids.
That's a goodly amount.
I have a goodly amount of kids.
Well, I can't.
I married into having two, and then I got two more.
But I instantly went, looked much older through that experience.
Yeah.
And that hasn't.
You look like you just graduated college.
Like, you just look like.
Hey.
So you were like shiny babies.
Like Brett.
You were like cloudy.
Yeah, everybody's always like, oh, are you like 20?
And I'm like, no, I'm like, you know, 30.
Then you may kiss the brown.
And now they're like, people are like, oh, are you like 80?
You lean in and you come back and just like gray beard.
And like, as soon as my fourth kid was born, that could be it.
You haven't had the fourth yet.
S gets real when you have four kids.
You think three to four is that much of a yeah, I felt like a game changer because you're you're each parent is double outnumbered.
So it's like yeah, but you have you have two young children.
Yeah.
So like if I had to get a little older, my kids are all fairly self-sufficient.
We do have a four-year-old, but the older boys are look out for them.
If I had a fourth right now, like we would, all of our, all of us would be like taking care of the fourth.
I don't think it would be that much.
I don't want a fourth, though.
But we are looking to adopt.
So my wife's older kid.
X is kind of crazy, so it's like having a fifth child to deal with.
That could be part of it.
That's true.
And then you have to look after me at the Babylon B.
Yeah.
I'm like the dad around here, basically.
Kyle, are you going to come into the office today?
Yeah.
Come on, man.
Please.
So what did you do this week, Kyle?
What did I do?
Sat around?
Well, I had a few days of quiet solitude because my wife took all the children to Disney World.
So your wife got on a plane and went to Disney World because Disneyland's closed.
So she's obsessed with Disneyland.
I think of this as like psychotic behavior.
I don't disagree.
You guys are crazy.
But as Chesterton says, every man must discover that women are crazy.
But let him do it while they're in love.
Something like that.
GK.
But what did you say while they're remembering Chesterton?
He says, let man find out that woman is crazy while their insanity is more valuable than anybody else's sanity or something like that.
Let's find the real quote in the comments.
Put the real quote.
Put the real quote in there.
Yeah.
It's the one about the two pieces of iron that have to be white hot to be melded together.
So yes, insane, but in a good way.
Yeah.
And I just decided now when this comes out, I will be in Florida because I'm going to surprise her and fly out there to be with her.
So you're going to appear behind her in Disney World and slowly put your arms around her.
I will be in the Mickey Mouse outfit posing with my four-year-old and I'll take off.
You could be in the What's A Ride there?
Do they have It's a Small World there?
Yeah, I think they're magic.
They copied that?
Magic Kingdom is like almost a direct copy of Disneyland.
Wouldn't they be like we don't need that two of those?
What would they do another one of those ones?
It's like, hey, let's not redo the mistakes of Disneyland.
Yeah, nobody goes to that one.
We're accenting that.
The only reason anybody goes to that one is because the line is shorter, usually.
Hall of Presidents.
We're leaving that one.
I've never done that one.
Yeah.
So anyway, I can say the spoiler because by the time this comes out, this will have already happened.
But I'm kind of crazy because I haven't been getting good sleep.
I cannot sleep with my wife's night around.
And now I'm going to do a red eye in a few hours here.
So this is like something you decided at 3 a.m. last night.
Yeah.
I can't do this anymore.
I'm going to go out.
And so I don't know how it's going to work.
I'm basically going to like Uber to the home.
We were hanging out and you just disappeared from my house.
Yeah.
So I'm going to Uber to the hotel or something and just be like in the lobby, but I'll be there at like 7.30 a.m.
I have no idea what time they're going to get up.
Yeah, your family gets up at like 11.
Yeah.
Although they're trying to get up early to go to all these places.
So I bought my ticket to go to Universal Studios with them and I'm going to sit out there and just hope they come downstairs.
I'm going to go to the bank accounts and see that you've been spending money on I did it on like my credit card, which she does check from time to time.
But I think while she's on vacation, she's not going to be looking at it.
Too busy.
I'll update you next week how this goes because I'm not very spontaneous and I hate doing stuff like this.
Like I'm just like nervous about it.
You're a desperate man.
I'm a desperate man.
The lengths I will go to for love.
Crazy.
Yeah.
So we'll see.
You want to talk about some stuff that's good?
Sure.
But now, this week's edition of stuff that's good.
So I'm going to do some, what is it called when you favoritize your family?
Favoritize?
Yeah.
Like nepotism?
Nope.
Like incestuous?
No, no, Ethan.
Nepotism, right?
I don't know.
I keep wanting to think despotism, but that's not the same.
Oh, yeah.
I was thinking these like killing kings or something.
That's like regicide.
Regicide.
Good job.
Wow.
All right.
So Eddie Van Halen died this week.
So Eddie Van Halen has left a void and it will be filled by my son Samuel, who's an amazing guitar player.
And I'm so proud of him.
We let him have a little YouTube channel, but it's like we monitor the videos before it goes up.
We turn off all the comments, you know, so he doesn't get mean comments on the internet.
And he's so he named his YouTube channel The Punk Rock Kid, which is so totally something I would have done at that age.
Like, I'm the punk rock kid, you know?
And so he's got a video.
If you look up, if you're on YouTube right now or you want to go to YouTube and subscribe to his channel, give him a like.
He's like, oh my gosh, Dad, I got 50 views on this video.
He's so excited about it.
So he's 10 years old.
He talks like Keanu Reeves, and he's 10 years old.
Yeah, Dad.
This is so awesome, Dad.
Totally tubular.
Yeah.
Be excellent to each other.
And he absolutely shreds eruption by Van Halen.
Eddie Van Halen.
Yeah, that famous solo, Minute Inn solo.
And the only thing is that I can't get him like I'm telling him, hey, you can do more than one take on YouTube.
Like you don't have to.
So does he?
So there's a couple of messes up.
He always does one tick and just uploads it.
And I'm like, you know, you could have tuned your guitar before you.
You can use some Hollywood magic to make yourself look perfect.
You can do all that stuff.
You can edit it.
But I like the rawness of it.
But yeah, he absolutely shreds it, so it's amazing.
So anyway, check out Punk Rock Kid on YouTube.
It's my son.
That's awesome.
That's my channel.
It's awesome.
So some of the things I bring up, I think everybody knows about this.
So why should I say it?
But then I think, no, not everybody.
I have actually mentioned this comedian before, and people are like, oh, no, I've never seen him.
So I just got to say, Brian Regan is possibly the funniest stand-up comedian.
I have him on the level of Norman.
Norm McDonald's a different kind of stand-up comedian, but if you ask Norm McDonald who the best stand-up is, he usually says Brian Regan.
He's the guy that has the cross-eye that does the completely.
He does a lot of cross-eyes, but he does it in a way that he really works for him.
It's not like, you know, it's like Buddy Hackett style.
You don't have to get defensive.
I like cross-apples.
No, yeah, cross-eyed is.
I always, you know, because a lot of times they freeze frame us.
It's like if I do a cross-eyed face, I'm like, I don't want to be seen as the whimsical guy that's always doing cross-eye gags, but he does.
But yeah, so I'm just saying he's clean.
It's clean comedy.
Like he just chooses to go clean.
So there's never a bunch of swearing or sexual jokes.
And he's legitimately hilarious.
And so look up Brian Regan, watch all this stand-up.
Anything he's done that's not this one tough thing for guys like him.
He's like a master of stand-up, but his style of comedy doesn't work in any of their formats.
So he's never done like a movie.
He's tried to do a TV show here and there, sketch comedy stuff.
It's just not as funny.
It never works as well.
Which is kind of Norm McDonald's like curse too.
But so yes, Brian Regan.
Norm McDonald's funny on a Saturday Night Live, though.
Yeah, he's going to, that's true.
Yeah.
So Brian Regan.
But he always considers himself bad at sketches.
Can I say a Brian Regan anecdote?
Yes.
So I went and saw him live.
Do you know any of his jokes?
No.
Okay, so he has this bit where you like joking about how when you get out of taxi cab and they say, enjoy the opera or whatever you're going to go to.
Go to see.
And then as you get out, you go, you too.
But like he does it in that stupid face, like, you too!
Like a complete idiot would say that because that's the stupidest thing you could say in that moment.
And on the night that I went to see him, completely by accident, when I got out of my car, the person that was took the car to Parker or whatever, enjoy the show.
And I said, you too.
And I realized I did it.
On the night, I'm seeing Brian Regan.
It was predestined to happen.
This has been stuff that's good.
This news is weird.
Teen secures world record for longest female legs.
Longest female legs.
So there's longer male legs.
Who's measuring this?
And is there a female with the longest male legs?
Does Joe Biden run this competition?
Just going around the world.
Hey, can I measure those legs?
Hey, you got some real stilts there.
Hey, Tootsie, you look like you got some nice gams.
I happen to have some measuring tape here.
Why don't you come on over here to Uncle Joe?
I really derailed that.
So she's taller than Doug Tenaple, it says here.
Yeah, Doug's 6'8.
She's 6'10.
So how many Doug Tenaples is she?
Just a Doug Tenaple and then two inches more of Doug Tenaple.
So you'd have to go just cut off his part of his foot.
Yeah.
Put it under her foot.
Yeah.
She's not the tallest woman, though.
Does that mean she has a really short, like one of those stick figures your kids draw where they do two legs and then the head right on top of it?
Yeah, they don't include a torso of any kind.
Or those creatures on the dark crystal they ride around with this.
Yeah, like they're just giant legs.
Stilt walkers or something.
Stiltonies.
Yeah.
And yeah, it's possible that there could be some morbidly obese person out there and nobody knows that they have the longest legs because they're just lost up there in the in all the girth.
You just don't know.
I don't know.
I assume the person who goes around measuring legs isn't asking really fat people if you can check.
You look disturbed.
Kyle Mann, speechless.
I'm trying to figure out how many Doug to Naples she is.
Oh, you're doing math?
She's 1.025 Dunk to Naples tall.
Okay.
Thank you.
Are we going to have a graphic of that?
We need to compare.
Put me on there.
I'm like 5'11.
How tall are you?
5'11.
Okay, so yeah, because 12 would be put me and Ethan next to each other, and then Doug, and then her.
And then the and then a Star Destroyer.
Oh, yeah, because there's actually somebody who is seven foot three in Russia, but she doesn't have the longest legs.
Does she have like the lowest pelvis?
Like, I don't know how that's weird.
Well, just saying, if you're they, I want to see them standing next to each other.
Like, this one's way taller, but this one has longer legs.
Like, like her.
I don't know.
Everything I want to say sounds gross.
I'm freezing up.
Let's move on.
Yes.
Palm tree takes Trimmer, which is a human being that trimmed palm trees, for a wild ride high over the ground.
I actually saw this video.
Yeah, I watched it too.
Where there's going.
Well, he's on the tree, and it's Wily Coyote.
The tree is just hanging like this, and he saws everything off, which I don't know why you completely chop everything off of a palm tree.
Why don't you just snip some of the leaves?
because they grow back really fast.
But he must know that it's...
I have like 20 palm trees.
Oh, are you cool?
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's highfalutin.
Yeah.
So he chops it off and then makes the noise.
he's going he flies off Yeah.
So how many Doug Tenaples tall was the palm tree?
It looked like a good 10 to 15, 20, 30.
I don't know.
30.
Bad at math.
30 10aples.
Every year, hundreds of palm tree trimmers are launched into the sun in this fashion.
Yeah, so he got lucky.
You can see in the video he's holding on for dear life.
Yeah, you might not know it, but palm tree trimming is the most dangerous job in the country because of this.
Did you say that and make that up?
Yes.
Because of getting flung into the sun.
Yeah, that was made of.
He was actually asked after he came down how serious the whole event was, and he said it was almost a fling.
There's multiple people in here that you guys can't see, and they all shook their heads.
That's my old guy joke.
I do like our new tiny studio audience because you can hear a little bit of clinging back there.
We should build an entire like.
You can actually hear one guy chuckling and there's another guy like trying to get him to stop chuckling.
But I like the laughs keep us going.
It's like that guy.
Yeah, on all the radio shows, you hear the guy behind the glass like, yeah.
Charlie Brown's mom?
Charlie Brown's mom.
Wah, wah, wah, wah.
Man puts 125 scoops on an ice cream cone for world record.
Did he really do it for the world record or because he's a glutton?
I'm taking a stand against stupid world records.
Are you?
How?
No more dumb world records on this show.
Are you going to buy Guinness Book or World Records so you can burn it?
Or they should make a second book, Guinness World Book of World's Stupidest Records.
I think they do have separate books.
Like they have weirdest records, and then they have like the actual ones.
Like the actual ones, I'm cool with.
If you can run a mile in two minutes or whatever, I'm like, wow, that's amazing.
I wasn't that impressed by this because that's just basically me at Yogurt Land.
I just fit everything I can on there.
And then I watch their face when they put it on the weight scale.
The numbers just start shooting up like a slot machine.
Well, the real test is when you have one where it's by the cup, not by the weight, and you have to fit as much as you possibly can.
And you have that?
And you're just trying to pack it in there.
Like, well, I don't think the yogurt guys do that anymore.
Yeah.
You know, they wised up.
Yeah, they wised up to it.
Yeah, one thing to note is he's Italian, the guy that did this.
So the whole time, like every time he puts another scoop on, he's probably like, it's another scoop.
Oh, my mamia.
I did it.
Oh, right.
Gelato.
Was it gelato or is it ice cream?
It's true.
He might be disqualified here.
It looks kind of gelato-y in the picture.
And it looks like he did a lot of the same flavors, which kind of defeats the purpose.
Here's what drives me.
You put extra scoops on to get different.
You know, you're like, cookies and cream.
Oh, strawberry cheesecake.
Oh, moose fudge pie.
Is that a flavor?
Moose fudge?
Mud tracks?
Moose tracks.
Mud flaps?
Mud flaps.
I don't think that's an ice cream flavor.
They should be.
That sounds like a good manly one.
They need that at like a yogurt land.
They don't have manly sounding flavors.
Here's what drives me crazy.
They need ones like these parameters are so like, what if I got a tiny little spoon and I just put 125 scoops, 126.
Now I'm a world record guy?
Like, somebody has to determine this is an official scoop.
That's true.
It's just madness.
It's postmodernism, is what it is.
What if they did Manly or Yogurt Land?
Or that's a section of Manlier.
This is what happens when we abandon absolute truth in our society.
Right.
It's all the liberals' fault.
Right.
I was just thinking monster truck flavored or something.
Mud flaps.
Mud flaps.
U.S. jails man who bought Lamborghini with government loan.
This guy took out a $1.6 million loan from the government for lockdown aid.
How did he get?
We got like.
Well, he's probably a box or something.
He's probably a business owner.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
I didn't read the story.
Yeah, it's the paycheck protection program to pay employees he did not have.
So he took out money.
Yeah.
He's like, I have these employees named Lamb and Boar and Gini.
They're all Italians.
And they're currently eating ice cream.
Their income is each third of a million, $1.6 million.
Yeah.
Okay, well.
He spent $200,000 on the car.
You got to be smarter than this.
You're clever enough to steal $1.6 million from the government, but not to not buy a supercar as soon as you get the money.
Buy it one piece at a time, like Johnny Cash.
Yeah, that's probably a better plan.
Yeah.
We both got criticized for how much we touched the mics when we do this podcast on the comments.
It is true.
There's no reason to.
It just becomes like, I see you do it, and then I want to do it.
It's hard to not.
It feels like a thing to do.
So we're not just sitting here like Chuck E. Cheese characters.
Oh, I read that one.
Accused killer convinced her Tinder Date to join Murderous Coven of Witches.
Oh, I missed this one.
The couple accused of fatally strangling 24-year-old Sidney Loof after wooing her on a dating app allegedly convinced at least one other Tinder date that they controlled a coven of witches who gained their powers by killing people.
Wait, wait.
Okay, I got to catch up.
What is happening here?
Accused killer convinced her Tinder date to join Murderous Coven.
Did the Tinder date help kill to join?
Yeah, I think.
To get your power, you have to breathe in their last breath.
A witness refers.
This is a Stephen King novel, man.
This isn't weird.
This is horrible.
This is literally the plot of Stephen King's Doctor Sleep.
They kill these people to suck out their breath on their last.
These are the people who ruin our ability to enjoy fiction because they have to be like, oh, we'll do it in real life.
Come on.
Remember those girls that did the Slender Man killings?
No.
Because there was that slender man, like creepy pasta that was going around the internet that there's this like tall, slender guy or whatever.
And they like convinced themselves that they were gonna be him or something and went and stabbed some classmate.
And now they're in jail.
So they identified as slender man something like a slender female.
Yeah.
Good joke.
Thanks.
That's my that's the one conservative joke.
I like to use it now and then.
Well, it identifies as a new joke.
Nobody's done human centipede, though, hopefully.
No, not that we know of.
Right.
Yeah.
Don't look that up.
Do not.
Oh, Satanic Temple sues billboard company for declining abortion religious ritual advertisements.
So these Satanists were like, we want some billboards.
Pro-abortion.
And they have one where I think it's Hitler's mom is holding up a tiny Hitler.
Right?
And it says, imagine if abortion were legal.
Did we know?
Did she was she thinking that?
Like she wanted to abort baby Hitler and then she couldn't because it wasn't legal.
Or is this like a real straw man?
What if abortion had been an option?
I'm trying to understand.
Mom holding up an action an adult Hitler, but he's miniature.
Yeah, he's not a baby.
They didn't have the Photoshop skills to do a baby with a Hitler mustache.
Yeah, like you'd probably do a pretty good Hitler baby Photoshop.
They could have called you.
Did the Satanic Temple contact you, Ethan?
It'd be easy.
No, they did not.
Sad.
Sadly.
Well, Satanic Temple, if you're listening, Ethan's available for contract Photoshop work if you need a baby Hitler.
I am.
Yeah, this is a bad argument on both sides.
The pro-lifers will sometimes say, like, what if you abort the next cancer guy?
I'm like, well, you could also be aborting the next Hitler.
So it's not, you know, it's like we have to argue that the life has value.
Right.
Not the things you do.
Not necessarily like they might grow up to be this or that.
But though I do think it's on their grounds.
Right.
Because they believe in progress.
The only source of progress is children, the future generations.
If you're killing half of them, right?
I just wonder statistically how many people that were going to like solve climate change things and things like that are in that group.
It has to be a huge amount of amazing people that are.
I mean, they're all in God's eyes amazing.
Just saying from the even from that perspective of utilitarianism makes no sense.
Yeah, I think I just think it's, I don't think we need to argue that utilitarian side of it.
Right.
We don't even need to go there.
Baby murder's wrong.
I did it.
No.
Buy your own logic, sir.
I think that Ethan should read this next one, even though it's my turn.
Oh, because the first word?
Just kidding.
Fat.
Fat bear week.
The second word, not the first word.
Fat bear week, 2020 crowns chunkster.
That's mean.
Earl of avoid dupois as fattest bear.
You think I pronounced that right?
Avoir dupois.
This doesn't make any sense.
So they have a rosity.
So each week people have to vote between two bears and who they think is the fattest.
Why do we have to vote based on visual judgment?
Why don't they just weigh the bears?
What if we weighed ourselves that way?
Like you just walk into the bathroom and there's a guy sitting in a chair and he just looks at you and he goes, yeah, I think he gotten federal.
Yeah.
Get back out there.
Or two people they vote.
Or I guess you could just stand in front of a webcam and then the internet could tell you your weight.
You could just look at a mirror and tell yourself, like, I'm looking fat today.
Well, you don't give the bears a mirror.
I don't.
No, you could.
Could.
But bear are bears freaked out by mirrors?
Like, do they not know there's another bear?
Yeah.
They try to run into it.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I know a lot about bears, but I don't know that one.
If we owned bears like we owned cats, there would be hilarious, funny bear videos all over the internet.
Adorable.
This bears malls face off.
Yeah.
I don't know what the, yeah, there's this fat bear week.
I get sent a lot of stuff about it.
Every time any story comes out about a bear, Ethan gets four billion messages.
Yeah.
That's kind of on you, though.
Yeah.
You made that your thing.
I did.
So the winner was 1,400 pounds.
So it could also, we don't know.
It could have the longest bear legs.
But not torso, and it's like spider.
We don't know because the legs go up into the fat and you don't know how far they go.
That's true.
Do you have a skider bear?
You were doing math.
Oh.
Do you have a spider bear drawing?
Yeah.
It's called a barantula.
Barantula.
Is it like a tarantula wasp or like it?
Oh, I remember the tarantula wasp was like one of the ways they reproduce that you talked about in your book.
Right.
That's one of the, yeah, they have many ways bears reproduce.
There's a whole section on it.
None of them are, but it's all pretty family-friendly, kind of.
It's weird.
It brings up questions if your kids read it.
There's a chapter on bear reproduction.
And yeah, my book, Bears Want to Kill You.
Check it out.
It's just got reprinted.
Yeah.
And it's all.
It just came out again.
Amazon or go to my store and get it from me.
I'll sign it.
You couldn't get me to draw on it for you.
Bear.
I'll draw a bear.
Axebearstore.com.
Oh, thanks, Kyle.
Kindergarten teacher gets fired for tattooing his eyeballs black.
That one's kind of on you, bud.
So you can tattoo your eyeballs?
I guess.
Was it like eating too much spice overline?
Yeah.
How can you survive that?
I mean, survive, but how can he even see that he's at school now?
Like they could just tell him, oh, yeah, you're in class.
Well, I wonder if you just do the whites?
Do you need the whites?
Like if I cover up the whites, right?
Yeah, you just fill the whites of black fills.
Do you still have to poke a needle into your eyes repeatedly?
I don't know.
Like, I know when you get like bloodshot eyes, like if you're a burst of blood vessel, it just like spreads.
So in every just have to like do a couple pokes and it just fills up with ink.
And he goes, blink.
Yeah.
Now you just one poke and then you have to keep filling it up.
Does it go away?
A lot of questions about eye tattooing here.
If anybody knows, let us know.
This does remind me of like when George Costanza has sleeps with the janitor at his new job and they call him into the office and he goes, Was that wrong?
Should I not have done that?
They call the kindergarten teacher and so you know he tattooed your eyeballs.
Was that wrong?
Should I not have done that?
Just, I mean, yeah, your students are, I mean, you're going to have nightmares just looking at you.
I mean, I assume this guy already must have had a lot of, I think I saw the picture of him.
He's pretty tattooed up as it is.
Yeah.
So they were being pretty lenient.
Because he's like one of these guys that looks like he at one time was a human being.
But now he's just like covered in stuff.
Yeah.
What maybe he just ran out of room on his body.
Needed an interview too and he just did nothing else.
Yeah.
I also feel like this is like this is really showing how much control white supremacy has over our culture.
That he has white eyes and that's okay, but then they're black and immediately gets fired.
That's the other conservative joke.
So we've now told our jokes now.
Are we ready for our stories of the week?
Never.
Every week there are stories.
These are some of them.
It's been a trying time for the country and President Donald Trump as he's been stuck at Walter Reed Medical Center trying to get better.
But keeping Trump company was a flood of cards from Democrats wishing him to get dead soon.
Aw, wow.
This is one of those heartwarming stories.
Some of the cards said things like, I hope you die.
You deserve this.
And I want you to die and go to hell.
Rush in hell.
Such cards have become so popular that Hallmark has added a new For Sick Presidents You Don't Like section, including some humorous ones where a cartoon cat dances on Trump's grave.
Wow.
Like those Flash animated e-cards.
Yeah.
Dad, remember that you remember you used to send all those little e-cards?
It's always your aunt that sends them to you or your mom.
My mom always sends me those and they're really like, they slow my computer down because there's so much going on.
There's like butterflies and flannel shirts and all this stuff opening up and none of it makes it.
It's like somebody just like did some DMT and just started making, got on Flash and went crazy.
Little dancing elves and they're like, they're escaping the web page and going all across your screen.
Yeah.
And of course, yeah, it's like, it's the equivalent of those that like water reflecting effect that people put on gifts, you know?
Yeah.
With like all the fireworks and just over the top that like something about it.
Yeah.
Moms, aunts, they like that stuff.
When my grandma, who lives in Alaska, got a printer, she started.
We still get them.
I think she got this printer like 20 years ago.
And every holiday, every birthday, every Christmas, we get a custom-typed printed card that she makes in Print Shop Deluxe 6 or whatever and sends to Carton.
Along with a clipping out of an Alaska newspaper with like a joke on it.
Oh, nice.
I look forward to it every birthday and every Christmas.
We always do a bad Photoshop card for my wife for every birthday and Mother's Day.
On purpose?
Bad thing?
Yeah, I purposely just like I ask all the kids what should be on the card this year.
And it's always the youngest ones have the funniest ideas, but they'll just give me three things or something.
And I'll just work this card together, crank it out.
So it's like when I ask you to Photoshop a Babylon B article.
Ethan, can you?
And I'm at the cigar shop.
And you're like, oh, man.
You got to do it real quick.
So Trump got COVID.
Trump got COVID.
In case anybody missed that.
Allegedly.
Allegedly he got a hoax.
You think it's a hoax?
No.
He said he said just so that he could claim to have defeated it.
Yeah.
He did.
That's a lot of people were saying.
And I thought it took like 10 days for it to go up, but he did it in like three days.
He just like, forced it out of his body.
He just stared in the mirror and like just pressurized.
Eyes glowing.
Clenched.
He just clenched really hard.
Very Dragon Ball Z.
Yeah.
And it just popped out of him.
Got it.
Out of every pore.
Some sciencey people walked over and put into a deskpan.
All right.
Get that to the lab.
I got to admit, I was pretty scared when I first heard this.
This came out Friday.
And I think we were still in.
But the satire article.
No, Yeah.
But Trump actually got COVID.
That actually happened.
You knew that, right?
Yeah.
Found out just a little later.
So this has happened two weeks in a row where we've been in one news mode.
And on Friday, something crazy has happened because the Friday before was RBG dying.
So then we were in like Amy Coney Barrett mode.
And then that Friday, Trump's like, I have got COVID.
I'm like, oh my gosh.
Like, we're just like in this, the news cycle is like speeding up.
Well, yeah, we had just released our cartoon about the debate.
Right, the debate.
Yeah.
And the moment we released it, the announcement that Trump got COVID, it's like, it's already over.
Yeah, nobody cares anymore.
Who cares?
I like the contrast of the online response to RBG dying and then the online response to Trump getting COVID.
Yeah, I don't know if it's just the circles that I follow, but there was like, it was completely different.
It was completely when RBG died.
There was like a like all the people that were like, there was a time of respect.
It was like a moment.
Yeah, you saw.
You can respect human life.
You saw a lot of conservatives posting like, you know, RBG.
Well, even when Trump was asked about RBG dying, and he was all like, all of a sudden, he put on this presidential hat and he was like, she was a great woman and very sad to hear that.
And I don't know where that came from, but.
And then when Trump was diagnosed with COVID, it was like, yeah, all right, kill him.
Yeah.
I'd be like, oh, this is the best punchline to a joke.
Yeah.
Which it kind of, to some extent, it's kind of funny.
Well, I mean, but it's like, it's not in the world if you were writing a script, a guy who, except for it's the cartoon version because everybody acts like Trump calls it a hoax.
He doesn't call it a hoax.
He's just saying, I'll get so freaked out about it, which I tend to agree with.
I was very impressed by Trump's speech after he forced when he was talking about don't be afraid.
Don't let this control you, you know, all this stuff.
Yeah.
I was like, yeah.
Yeah.
And I'm not really like a guy who goes, yeah, to beat any politician.
Yeah.
But I was like, no, that's interesting.
So.
I agree.
That's good.
I think it's, I just love the idea, this idea that Trump went and took it on himself.
And the idea that he like defeated it so that we know we no longer must worry.
It has passed.
It fears the MAGA hat now.
Yes.
Don't wear a mask, wear a MAGA hat.
We finally got to use our joke about Donald the Orange returning as Donald the White.
We've had this in the hopper for months.
I've always wanted to do this joke.
We had pitched it about Trump with something else, and then we had pitched it with Trump.
We had pitched it with Jordan Peterson.
I haven't waited for that thing.
Jordan Peterson come back.
And then it's like, Peterson hasn't really come back.
And then this Trump thing, we're like, oh, Donald the Orange returns triumphantly as Donald the White.
And then Matt's Idea Shop beat us to it.
Yeah.
And then Matt's Idea Shop, who's a meme account on Twitter.
I think he does the memes for Daily Wire, or maybe he used to.
And he posted it right brainstorming.
And I was like, oh, no.
But I messaged him and he said, you can still post the joke.
Nice guy.
Yes.
So follow Matt's Idea Shop on Twitter because he hooked us up.
I come back to you now with the turn of the tide.
I just wanted to say again, I don't think.
Next story.
Well, in legal news, a Michigan Supreme Court has ordered Governor Gretchen Whitmer to throw the ring of power, which she has wielded to enact tyrannical coronavirus restrictions upon her citizens back into the fires of Mountain Doom.
But she refuses to.
Yeah, so she's not going to do that.
She's not going to throw the ring.
She's clenching it in her face is turning to this dark gargamel goblin face whenever she says anything.
I still think Peter Jackson might have gone a little too far when Bill was holding the ring and his whole face turns into like a demon.
Like almost goes Large Marge.
I was like, what the heck are you doing?
Have you seen the Pee-Wee movie, young one?
Do you think I was allowed to watch the Pee-Wee movie?
Well, you know, we backtracked and watched all the stuff you missed, didn't you?
I have not seen the Pee Wee movie.
Did it age well?
It didn't seem like one of those things that would.
I don't know.
I loved it.
I watched it over and over again.
But maybe we can get a shot.
We'll get a freeze frame of Large Marge.
She does, he rides a truck with this lady and she goes, tell him Large Marge sent you.
And then all of a sudden, like, I don't even remember there's any explanation.
I don't think there is.
She like makes this face and then claymation, her face like turns into this like monster face for like a second and then goes back to normal.
So Peter Jackson loved that movie as a kid or something.
The ring.
He had it in his idea notebook for years.
Like, I got to make someone's face do the Large Marge thing.
And he threw it in there.
Can you do a golem voice, Ethan?
I don't have a practiced one.
My precious.
Yeah, there you go.
There's just a quick gift for you to get the idea of what happens.
That is absolutely bizarre.
And that it's never explained.
That's just left in the.
I don't think it is, but it's that's Peely's.
That's, you know, that was the 90s or the 80s.
It was, it was okay to be weird.
So Whitmer screamed, No, not my precious.
As the state Supreme Court handed down the order to destroy the ring.
And it's kind of like, nasty, nasty constitution.
We don't like it.
Nasty fat founding fathers.
She turned and left.
So the court ruled four to three that Whitmer's decision to declare a state of emergency without approval from state legislators was unconstitutional.
She has to get approval for her states of emergency according to the law.
And already she has fulfilled the Spammalum B prophecy by after we published this article, she said she announced another mask mandate.
So she has refused to throw the ring of power.
Is she doing any riddles?
Probably.
I like the riddle part.
The riddle part is fun.
When I read that to my kids, they're like, oh, we can figure it out.
They couldn't.
I can't figure them out.
I think horrible at riddles.
Most of the riddles in there are pretty easy.
There's a couple that are a little obtuse.
You're nerdier than I am.
The tooth one about the 30 white horses on a white hill.
First, they jump and they stomp and they stand still.
I don't memorize topine.
I think the time one is a pretty good riddle, but that's kind of the it's I don't know.
I guess because I've read it so many times, though.
Like it grinds mountains into stone and it kills kings.
I think I did kind of guess time on that one after that.
Yeah.
It's a good riddle.
So anyway, sad attention.
We should remind people to watch.
We have that song we did.
Go Down Donald.
Go Down Donald.
We could play a small clip here, maybe.
Could we?
Go on YouTube and check out our Let My People Go.
It's been a while.
We posted it way back in what, like March or something?
Yeah.
And it's still relevant today.
Yeah.
I remember when we wrote it, we thought, we got to get this thing out because this COVID thing could end any minute.
Oh, yeah.
That's how I felt with all the COVID jokes.
Like, you got to get these COVID jokes out for a week or two.
Yeah, because this is going to be, you know, it's like, what, a month?
Probably.
You just got to flatten the curve.
15 jokes of COVID says flatten the curve anymore.
15 days of COVID jokes to slow the spread.
Yeah.
And now we've had eight months of COVID jokes.
Yep.
Probably going to be like, what, two, two more, three more years, five decades, centuries?
I don't know.
Dr. Fauci said to prepare for a new age of pandemics.
I think it was Fauci.
Maybe it was.
He's got his job, right?
He doesn't want this to end.
He's like, oh, yeah, another pen.
Yes.
Decades, at least until retirement.
Around, he should be retired soon.
He's old.
So he's like your mechanic that wants you to keep coming back.
Yeah.
Okay.
Exactly.
You guys really need to change your oil change people.
They're like, oh, by the way, you need to also change everything else in your car.
Fauci's like, you really need to come back every 3,000 miles to change your essential oils.
I didn't know he recommended essential oils.
That's cool.
My wife will be happy about that to hear that.
You think he'll probably, he'll probably launch like a line of something at the end of this.
Dr. Fauci's, or he'll get a show on ABC or something.
I'll bet you he gets a TV show.
Mark my words.
Mark my words.
Dr. Fauci TV show after all this.
What's it going to be called?
Fauci.
They like just the names for those shows.
Like Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil.
It'll be like Dr. Fauci.
Or maybe he'll go like Dr. Tony.
Hey.
What?
Tub is supposed to be like an Italian.
Hey.
Hey.
I'm like, okay, fine.
That's all I got.
After hearing someone tell a questionable story about how a priest, a rabbi, and a minister walked into a bar together, USA Today published a 1,200-word fact check on the telltale.
They cited over 15 sources to cast out on the story, but were able to handily dismantle the fib.
Actually, I just want to say, actually.
Actually.
Hey.
So USA Today this week, they added, they joined the roster of like not just fact-checker, Babylon B fact-checkers, but like detailed, hard-hitting journalism.
Yeah, the thing that getting fact-checked never bugged me.
Like that's, I get why they have to fact-check some things.
Like, okay, whatever.
But it's just, it cracks me up how detailed these fact-checkers go after Babylon B articles.
Like, they'll do like a thousand-word fact-check on Snopes.
Yeah, 15 sources.
I believe we have, they had 15 sources or something like that.
USA Today fact-checked our article that was Genius Trump nominates Joe Biden to Supreme Court, forcing Dems to accuse him of sexual assault.
Oh, really?
Oh, it was that one?
Yeah.
Oh, I thought it was the one, the overturning of the death of.
No, they did both of those.
They've fact-checked two now.
So I guess it seems like they're now Facebook's fact-checking partner.
Gotcha.
So they're kind of fulfilling the role of Snopes.
Snopes backed off of the whole Facebook partnership, and now USA Today is doing it.
Because at the bottom of this, it's like, this was made possible in part by a grant from Facebook.
Thanks, Facebook.
Yeah, good job, Facebook.
I do like that you have to cite 15 sources to disprove Babylon B's story.
Yeah, this is just standards.
Like, no matter what they're disproving, it just seems once again like somebody's got to fill out the clock.
They're like, well, I got a whole day here, and this is the fact-check I'm doing.
So let's go to town.
I need to clock my hours.
I'm trying to read it, but it's making me disable my ad blocker, and I don't know how to do that.
I'll use my iPad.
Dan, disable my ad blocker.
Okay.
Let's see.
Claim Trump nominates Biden to the Supreme Court.
Well, there was a motive behind it.
Oh, there's my fact.
There's my, okay.
Don't block ads.
Riveting radio from the Babylon B as we try to disable ads.
Do I need to read it?
I have it.
I don't know.
I'm on and out.
I'm scrolling down here.
This just goes on and on.
The meme harkens back to the 2018 confirmation hearings for Associate Justice Brett Kavanaugh.
Okay, here we go.
It does?
How?
Okay, so it quotes our Babylon B article.
It says this.
Trump has announced his pick for Supreme Court justice, Joe Biden.
By nominating Biden, Trump has forced the Dems' hands, making them believe the sexual assault claims and allegations of inappropriate creepy behavior against the former vice president, the article says.
But Biden does not appear on a new list of 20 federal peers and appeals and district court judges, senators, and others released by the president earlier this month before Ginsburg's death as a possible nominees to the Supreme Court.
What?
We've scoured the list 30 times.
Our rating, false.
We rate this claim.
Listen to this.
We rate this claim false.
Capital letters.
Based on our research.
The claim references an article posted to a satire website.
Biden is not included on the list under consideration by Trump to nominate to the Supreme Court.
And two federal appeals court judges are the current frontrunners in Trump's decision making.
USA Today has reported.
Here are our sources.
The list.
And a list of sources.
Oh, that's just.
Good job.
What would we do without journalists like these?
The Snopes fact check or the USA Today fact check always makes it funnier.
Makes the joke funnier.
Yeah.
It is a guy walks over the bow tie all serious about the joke.
Oh, I'll explain this joke.
You know what always gets me?
The classic one where CNN buys a washing machine to spin the news.
A joke I am somewhat ashamed of.
Stupid joke.
Stupidest.
And Snopes is like, actually.
That's still the best.
They still win best.
It's like you and I. Best fact-check.
It's like you and I are just sitting here, like, hey, what if CNN bought a washing machine to spin the news?
And the Snopes guy comes bursting through the wall like the Kool-Aid man.
That did not happen.
Actually.
But it's not.
Is it saying there that you can't spin news?
Because news is not a physical thing you can put in a washing machine.
How deep did they go on that one?
News is an abstract concept.
No, it's now, yeah.
You can't put concepts into a washing machine.
Further, we contacted Ken Moore washing machines.
And none of their machines are capable of spinning abstract concepts.
Their machines are not news rated.
This could not have happened.
You know, the other one that always gets me is when they fact-checked the one about Ocasio-Cortez going on The Price is Right.
We reviewed all the footage of every price is right episode.
We talked about that one.
Oh my gosh.
They tore apart my Photoshop.
It was crazy.
They dissected the Photoshop.
This frame does not appear in any episode.
They found the exact source material frames I used in videos and figured out exactly what the gift of like you're transforming into them.
It was crazy.
It was like if I was a serial killer and I was watching like a Discovery Channel special about all the work I'd done.
I'm like, wow.
These guys are really committed to my work.
They find a really terrible photo of you that's like in black and white where you're like walking out of a bar or something and they like blurry photo of you.
Yeah, looking off the side all mad.
They were looking off the side all mad.
Oh my gosh.
Yeah, and then the one that the other one that they fact-checked that you mentioned is USA Today fact-check, the one where we said that the Ninth Circuit Court overturned the death of Ruth Bader Ginsburg, which is even more courts cannot overturn deaths.
Actually, actually, death is permanent.
I like the mental image of this USA Today reporter calling the Ninth Circuit.
Like they call a clerk on the Ninth Circuit and they're like...
This is unoutright.
How is the death overturned?
We're reading that this was overturned.
Do you have any comments?
What?
You can't overturn it.
What?
Oh, my gosh.
Is Arbijee back?
Is she alive?
What'd you guys do?
How'd you do that?
How long have you been able to do this?
I'm dead.
All right.
We're going to talk to a Christian filmmaker named Matt Chastain.
He might say I'm a filmmaker who happens to be Christian.
I'm actually not a Christian filmmaker.
I don't make Christian movies.
I make movies that happen to have accepted Jesus as their Lord and Savior.
And after that interview, we're going to be doing, we got Babylon B headlines submitted to us by children.
This is going to be their hoot.
This is basically Axe Cop for Babylon B.
We stole your idea.
We stole your whole game.
It wasn't my idea.
I just did it awesomely compared to other people.
That's very humble of you to say.
All right, check out this interview and then stick it around for Kids Pitch Babylon B headlines.
And now, the Babylon Bees Topic of the Week.
Welcome, everyone.
This is in the middle of a Babylon B podcast, so I don't really need to welcome you, but we're sitting down now with Matt Chastain, which we decided sounded like a Boston guy.
Bostonian.
He's Boston complaining about somebody spilling wine in his chair.
Yeah, or Chowda.
You left a Chastain.
Oh, that's Australia.
I can't do it.
I can't do an accent.
Hey, Matt, you left a Chastain there.
There it is.
He's good.
Is that any better at all?
Are you from Boston?
Ethan, you're usually great with accents.
Am I?
Thank you.
Yeah, I think so.
I can do them, but then I turn Indian partway through.
I switch, yeah, I'll start off Scottish, and then I'm almost goes, it almost ends up Australian every time.
I like where your Scottish typically starts off.
Oh, thanks.
Segway to the next part of this interview in Scottish.
A great red dragon of a rapatatea there!
Kagishnig is on.
That's my red.
That's all you need.
Got it.
That's all you need, man.
I could never do a Scottish accent until this guy told me that if you say the red dragon of a rapatatilla, it's really easy to say in a Scottish accent.
And then from there, you can just go.
Red dragon.
So I say that first.
The red dragon of a rapatatilla.
And then in the south, we just say red dragon of a Muppet Papilla.
Yeah, I don't even know what that last word is.
I'd have made it up.
I don't know, man.
Welcome to Georgia.
How you guys doing?
So should we introduce Matt?
Yeah, you should.
So we're sitting down with Matt Chestaine, who is a filmmaker.
Is that how you describe yourself, filmmaker?
You know, I don't make any films is the problem.
It's all digital.
I make ones and zeros.
Sad.
They translate into pictures and sounds.
Are any films still done on film?
Probably some hipsters.
Like hipster ones.
Tarantino still shoots on film, I'm pretty sure.
I mean, he shot the hateful eight and like, what do you call it?
Pana vision.
Oh, wow.
Very hipster.
That is pretty hipster.
Very hipster.
You can't afford it these days.
It's just not.
And everybody, the crews are all trained for digital, and you want playback and all those things.
No, we make digital movies.
We make movies.
So tell us about your movie making.
I mean, I don't know your history.
How many movies have you made?
You have a new movie out you're talking about?
Yeah, so I'm here to talk about small group the movie.
So a couple years ago, now I'll kind of back it up actually.
In college, a couple of partners and I started a little TV show in Athens, Georgia.
It's not something that the Babylon B would ever want to promote.
I was going through kind of a time away from the church at that point in my life, but I knew kind of when they graduated, I didn't want to pursue that.
And they went on, they went out to Hollywood, and they've since had a TV show on Fox, an animated series on Fox, and now they've got an animated series on Netflix.
You had an animated series on Fox, Ethan.
Yeah, but it wasn't really real.
Which one?
Which one was yours, Ethan?
It was called Axe Cop.
It was on at like midnight for like 15 minutes.
So it's not real.
That's your Twitter handle.
It doesn't matter.
It's on Fox.
It's awesome.
Yeah.
Yeah, theirs is called Brickleberry.
I don't know if you ever saw that one, but it's not something that we would recommend to our audience, except that I did get to write the theme song for that one.
Brickle.
But so I worked with them, but I stayed here when they went out there, and I just got into commercial production and just doing all kind of corporate written video work on the TV commercials, that kind of thing.
But several years ago, back in 2014, my wife and I just joined a new small group at our church.
And it was just kind of, the group was just kind of gelling, man.
It was like it was firing on all cylinders and something just hit me.
And I thought, somebody ought to make a movie called Small Group because I just feel like it's a pretty cool environment in which to kind of build story, right?
I mean, think about all the different kind of relationship environments that have made movies in the past.
Millions of movies about romance or marriage, movies about family, movies about the workplace, movies about a team, about soldiers, that kind of thing.
But there are like 40 million Americans who are in small groups, connect groups, community group, life group, whatever you want to call them.
And for a lot of us, it's kind of one of our most important kind of relationship groups, right?
And so I thought there's never been a movie made about small group.
One reason I like it a lot too is because I feel like you can, if you're in group ministry and you're hanging out at each other's houses and it's much more interactive.
It's much more, I think, real and raw.
And so you bring a different version of yourself to small group.
I think a more open version.
You're going to tell jokes that you shouldn't tell in church.
And it's more interesting for me.
And so I thought, why don't we, you know, I think Christian cinema could use a voice coming from a place like Small Group.
And so I brought it to a producer friend of mine.
I said, hey, man, you should make a movie called Small Group.
He goes, that's actually a pretty good idea.
I like it.
Go write it.
I never thought I was going to be the one to write and direct it.
I just kind of ended up doing it.
So, yeah, wrote the script about 18 months of development.
And then ended up, as soon as the script was done, we were able to raise the million-dollar budget to make the movie pretty quickly.
And we made it.
And here we are, ready for it to come out.
It's going to come out October 6th, and pretty much all the digital platforms, iTunes, Amazon, Google, Play.
You can get it and all the on-demand.
And then, of course, at smallgroupmovie.com, we can get the Blu-ray and the DVD.
Is there an altar call at the end where people can accept Christ?
Yeah, I thought that you guys do that on this show.
And so if I had it in the movie originally, then I started listening to your podcast, and I cut it out because I didn't want to be unoriginal.
But that's just part of Christian.
You're supposed to do that in everything you do.
Yeah.
How can you call this a Christian movie?
With every headache.
Yeah, how do you close for a Christian film if you don't have an altar call at the end?
Hey, we're rebels.
Excuse us, you know?
Plus, I'm Baptist.
So we always do altar calls.
It's not your daddy's Christian film.
With Just As I Am playing.
That's the only song that can be played, right?
At that point.
So did you go to an actual small group to find actors?
You're like, hey, you're awkward.
Let's have you on.
You know, the actors, no, we auditioned professional actors.
We've got a lot of professional actors in the film.
I think the film was.
How many of them were not actual Christians?
How many hedonistic atheists did you hire?
Well, the thing is, we put them in a room and in a very hot boxed room and required them to accept Christ before that everyone to action.
Doesn't that mean you sweep a bunch of weed and then they got super high and then you made them accept Jesus?
Is that what that means?
That's what I thought hotbox meant.
That's what all my best atheist friends tell me.
Is that when you fart in the car and turn the heat up and roll the windows up and lock them?
What's that called?
In the hot box, what's it called when you do that under the covers?
No, Dutch Outlook and something else.
I forget that sure.
That's something else.
That's under the cover.
Yeah.
Flowerbed.
No.
No, man.
You know, we didn't require a certain act of faith or a profession of faith before, but I think it helps that we, you know, it attracted that the movie itself was going to probably attract more Christian actors, but honestly, I didn't care.
If you're a Christian, if you're not Christian, what I want in an actor is, can you act?
I will say this, though, the one scene that people like a lot is it's an awkward small group scene where they kind of, the couple who's infiltrated a small group, they visit another small group to see what it's about.
And in that scene, they're the only professional actors.
This is the only scene I did this in the whole movie, but they're the only professionals.
The rest of them are people from my church who I thought in that scene did a pretty amazing job of making things awkward for them.
But a lot of good acting in the movie.
Even in that scene, even with the non-actors, if you go back and watch that scene again, you're like, well, they're not non-actors.
They're pretty funny for non-actors.
Yeah, so it's like Borat or something.
Or like Blair Witch Project or something.
Look, I think it's a funny movie, my movie, but I'm not going to say it's funnier than Borat or even that league.
That movie made me laugh.
I've never cried so hard.
I also would not recommend.
Can't recommend it.
Can't recommend it.
Nope, nope, nope.
But you're laughing.
You saw it too, Ethan.
I already got the pictures burned in my mind from specific scenes that will never go away.
Of Small Group?
That's not my.
Have you seen Borat?
I have not seen Borat.
Yeah.
But it is funny.
than Blair Witch Project.
It is funny than Blair Witch Project.
That was hilarious.
Blair Witch Project?
Oh, my Laugh Riot.
That was like the beginning riot.
Oh, my God.
I wonder how it would hold up if you watched Blair Witch Project.
I watched it recently.
It's still pretty good.
I mean, the thing about When Blair Witch came out, you thought it was real initially.
Anyway, we're not talking about Blair Witch Project.
We're here to talk about Small Group the Movie, as you see in this beautiful poster behind me.
Well, it's admirable.
Trying to make Christian comedy.
I completely admire just even attempting it.
You're brave.
We're trying to do it here.
We admire anybody going for it.
Well, clearly, you guys are the gold standard in that.
You've done it and done it amazingly well.
And that's why I'm so honored to be able to talk to you guys because I've always thought that if you like Babylon B, you give the small group movie a chance.
You may like it.
I don't think that it's that, it shouldn't be that difficult because if you take the approach that you guys take, just be real.
Don't be some fake version of yourself.
Don't try too hard.
Just be real and you can be funny.
I don't know about you guys.
I go to church on Sunday.
Well, I used to go to church on Sunday and hang out with plenty of people who are truly funny.
And so the key to think making a Christian movie where you have legitimate funny moments, a legitimate comedy, is to just be real, be story-focused, be character-focused, and not worry so much about trying to push a sermon on anybody.
You do that, and I think you come across a little less than genuine, and it's harder to be funny.
Yeah.
Seems like no one cheat, too.
Satire article headlines are a lot easier to write than a full script.
I'm just saying.
We're cheating.
That's true.
I will say that a 120-page script is difficult to write.
Although your headlines are genius, man.
Yeah, we've written 120 headlines for sure.
Yeah.
At least it's 120.
I feel like you guys have, yeah, I think you guys, if I can give a critique, you need me to be way more ridiculous because you're just ridiculous enough to where they come true in two weeks.
That's true.
And I'm starting to worry that what's the cause and effect here?
More walrus jokes.
Are you guys causing this crap to come true?
If so, can you write something that points us in a better direction?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I like the one like Walrus jokes.
We need more Walrus jokes.
You're more strong.
When John Bolden has a family of Walruses.
That was so dumb.
It's probably not going to come true.
And I greenlit it like, eh, this is terrible.
So dumb.
And it went huge.
Biggest article of the week.
Well, Matt.
It's basically true.
Thank you for coming on.
Yeah.
So how can people check out Small Group?
Oh, yeah.
I don't know when this is coming out, but.
That part.
So it's coming out October 6th.
So October 6th, it'll be out.
So this podcast may be out before then or around.
I don't know.
But you can get DVD in the Blu-ray at smallgroupmovie.com or you can watch it as you download any digital movie on Amazon, iTunes, Google Play, that kind of thing.
So yeah, it's available in most of the ways that you watch movies.
So I hope you guys will go out and check out Small Group Movie.
Pretty funny, but it also has a heart too.
Yeah.
And Ethan loves it.
It's got rabbit humor.
I like rabbit movies.
Ethan's got rabbits.
I have a rabbit.
I thought you had multiple rabbits.
I have in the past.
They die and disappear, and sometimes I release them.
Be free.
You'd be surprised at how much you have to pay for a rabbit on set, though.
It's a lot of money.
Oh, it's ridiculous.
It's ridiculously expensive to have animal rabbits that they're real prima donnas.
Yeah, so barely.
Oh, man.
Eat all your carrots, chew on your actors.
Wow.
Yeah, we actually thought that was really unrealistic when we watched the movie because the girl was holding the rabbit and it wasn't clawing her face.
Yeah, so many are like, oh, she's not getting clawed to death.
That's not real.
So that's when we knew.
When I held the rabbit, it clawed me, but she held the rabbit.
That's my daughter, by the way.
I think she did a really good job in the movie.
But yeah, she just, she was magic with that little rabbit, man.
She got it, and the first time she held it, it just, it melted in her.
It tried to kill me.
Hey, but speaking of which, Ethan, when you make the narrative version of bears are trying to kill you, like, how many bears do you think you can you're going to have on set in case you need a backup bear?
Oh, the movie?
Be all CGI.
Yeah, you're making a movie.
You just need one good one, and then you just copy them.
Right.
That's how Photoshop works.
Yeah.
Well, that's how they do it, like all these movies.
They just fix it in post.
Yeah.
Well, no, you just make a bunch of them.
You just have one really good digital one and you just.
I ain't talking money right there.
This is a lot of money.
But it's not as much money as having huge armies of different things like in Lord of the Rings or something.
That's true.
That's true.
But a practical bear would be awesome, especially if it actually killed somebody on site.
I just want to borrow the one from the Revenant.
That's a pretty good costume.
Call Leo up.
He'll take care of you.
I'm sure it's just sitting somewhere in a closet.
Now I want to see Small Group, the movie, with a CGI rabbit.
With bears.
Oh, CGI.
It's like obvious CGI rabbit.
Obvious CGI rabbit.
Actually, that was a CGI rabbit.
It fooled you though, didn't it?
Oh, me.
Very good effect.
On our tiny little budget, we were able to just throw a CGI rabbit in there.
I nominated that for a Dove Award.
Wait, yeah.
That's me.
That's one guy.
We barely passed the Dove criteria anyway, so I'm not sure we're going to get any Dove Awards, but they say we're almost not pure enough.
Which for me, I've never understood that.
No, I love the guys at Dove, especially there's good folks over there, but that whole, you know, that whole idea that Christian movies have to be a certain level of purity, I've never understood because if you tried to go put most any Old Testament story, turn it into a movie, you're going to have a hard time kind of passing that purity test.
You probably have trouble getting Christian film, the Christian film industry to actually pass the purity test on some of Jesus' parables.
Anybody pitch a parable and then be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Jesus.
That's not pure enough.
Who said that?
Was that Jesus?
No, we can't tell that.
It's not a family program.
Yeah.
Any Bible study would not pass the sniff test.
All right, cool.
Well, thanks, Matt, for coming on.
Yeah, thanks, guys.
Thank you for having me.
I appreciate you.
And God bless.
Me too.
Kids, right?
They say the darndest things.
I know.
What's one of the funny things your kids have said?
Hey, Dad, why don't you just go poop on the moon?
Did I already tell this one?
I don't think you could say that, honestly.
But the other day, my three-year-old walked in, and our oldest is named Lily, and he walks and goes, Mom, Lily isn't nice to me.
Because she's like that 13-year-old, like, go away.
You know, he's like that.
And he goes, can we go to the store and get a new lily?
He said that totally.
He said that totally, like, honestly.
Calvin said it?
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
He has to go to the store and get a new lily.
New 13-year-old sister.
14 now, actually.
Happy birthday, Lily.
But see, that makes sense in a certain kind of logic.
This is like Chesterton's insane man who's like, your brain's small and you don't know stuff.
Yeah.
Chesterton's circle of the crazy man.
Yeah.
Like there is an internal logic to that because, right, oh, the iPad's broken.
Let's go and get a new iPad.
Lily's broken.
Let's go get a new Lily.
There's a logic to it.
There's totally.
All right.
So we had kids submit Babylon B headlines and our subscribers sent these in to us.
So this is going to be a lot of fun.
You could be a subscriber.
You could be a subscriber too if you go to BabylonB.com slash plans.
Part of the party and the fun that we have.
Throw some money at your screen and you too can send us content.
There's a whole secret society we have going on.
Yeah.
It's very secret.
It's elite.
It's mostly just people commenting first on the articles.
It's true.
But you could compete to be the ones that are the most elite.
Yeah.
If you're first on a Babylon B article, okay.
So we had we had our subscribers go to their kids and kind of explain, like, here's what the Babylon B is.
It's a news headline.
Give me a funny headline.
And this is what they sent us.
Let's read through them and we can riff on them if we want.
Kids draw on dad's arms with marker and it doesn't wash off.
And now he has marker on his arms and his armpits smell bad.
I love the punch-up at the end.
Yeah, that's a good punch at the end because you're wondering where it's going.
This kid is writing it and he's like, he's crumpling up the paper.
That's not right.
Armpits.
I like that they submitted a drawing with it or a Photoshop.
I did that.
Oh, nice.
Nice work.
Thank you.
A dust storm causes cow to turn into pillar of salt.
What?
It's got some kind of biblical-ish?
Yeah.
Yeah.
He probably just learned about it.
And I wonder how they teach Sonoma Gamora in Sunday school.
I'm curious to know.
That would make the news.
Little brother eating Legos makes the number of Legos go down.
He's learning math.
There are now three Legos, whereas there were 87 before.
Someone's afraid of elephants.
Me, they're pink elephants.
That's like three years old.
Come on.
Three-year-old.
That's pretty good for a three-year-old.
Not bad.
All right.
Four-year-old said this.
The panda bear wake you up and then the people die.
Anytime kids talk about death, it's the best.
That's why Axe Cop was great.
Four-year-old.
People butts stink, but pork butt smells good.
There's a kernel there.
That sounds what does he mean by pork butt?
Because is that a thing you can buy at the store?
You get pork butt?
Yeah, it's like food.
Yeah.
So he's like, he's probably sitting there eating pork buttons on his punch.
Hey, wait a minute.
There's a pun.
Yeah, there's a pun.
Wow, good job, four-year-old.
That's advanced.
We'll be watching his career with great interest.
I imagine that's going to sound racist.
It sounds like the kid from Indiana Jones or something.
I can't.
I'm sorry.
It's the wording.
It's like broken English a little bit.
But he's four.
Pork butt.
Yeah, that's true.
Mom hires a robot computer to read to her kids at night.
Nine-year-old.
It's a good idea.
You could do better, nine-year-old.
Come on, nine-year-old.
Yeah.
Study.
92% of bad kids sleep in top bunk, can't kneel for bedtime prayers.
92% sleep in top bunk.
That doesn't make sense because it would be 50% of kids that sleep in the top bunk, right?
I mean, well, no, there's the ones with the death.
Wait, it's 92% of bad kids.
Of bad kids sleep in the top bunk.
Oh, so being in the top punk makes top punk?
Top bunk makes you bad?
There's a background here.
Like, like King was always told.
Yeah.
If you're bad, you sleep on the top bunk.
We get a lot of headlines from people where they're, it's clearly this headline is based on a thing that happened in their life, and we don't get the context.
Yeah.
So there's some get some counseling, kid.
Yeah.
Is it my turn?
Your turn.
I think it's your turn.
No.
I don't know.
A monster knocks on the door and then breaks into our house.
A ghost comes next.
Got that punch up.
I like the punch up.
Here's a four-year-old.
Everyone tries to run away from the virus, but it doesn't work.
Fact check.
True.
Just running for their dear life, like Nicholas Cage from Bees and just like engulfs them.
Not the virus.
Not the virus.
That didn't work.
Should have had a better plan.
Sad.
It didn't work.
This is brilliant.
This is Chestertonian.
Everything is okay.
No tornadoes today.
That'd be a great headline.
Dude, this is Chestertonian.
It is.
You know, Chesterton still.
He would be like, oh, a tornado is a jolly party in the sky.
Chesterton would?
Yeah, he'd be like, a tornado is good too.
I'm referencing his thing where he talks about how the newspapers don't say.
Yeah.
The Joneses still haven't gotten divorced.
Right.
All the forks in the drawer are not stolen.
The journalists can journalists can only report the exceptional and the bad.
Right.
Okay, here's another one.
Zinc now called stink in honor of dads.
What's the zinc-dad connection?
Zinc.
Yeah, what is the were they're talking about like the medicine that you like the vitamins or the vitamin zinc?
Is that what they're talking about?
I don't know.
It's like because it was a mineral.
Dads, we should just change the word zinc to stink.
Hey, wait a minute.
This is just rhyming.
I think so.
Rejected.
I'm rejecting this headline.
Dad launches himself into space from his own gas.
I love when kids use the word gas instead of farts.
Gas is almost funnier.
Because, yeah, you don't hear it as much.
It's kind of like saying BMs or something.
Like it's kind of an old-fashioned way of saying.
Do you remember on the mom episode what I had to call farts when I was a kid?
I forgot.
Bottom bubbles.
Bottom bubbles.
Which is way worse.
It's way worse than just saying farts.
My favorite quote from that one is that you're your mom saying, shut your fat faces.
Your fat little faces.
Your fat little faces.
Because if you made her, it's hilarious that when she was unhinged and like pushed over her limit, that's what came out of her mouth.
She never cursed.
She never screamed at us.
Shut your face.
Her face turned into the Bilbo Baggins face or whatever.
To the large mark.
Yeah.
Oh, man.
Six-year-old.
Epic ninja battle ensues for all the candy and dragons.
Okay.
Oh, is that?
Wait.
Is there two there?
I think there's two.
It's a second one.
Lutah discovered.
An unspotted giraffe with no eyes or nose has bunny and giraffe mouth.
Hey, we've discovered the lutah.
It's a giraffe, but it has no spots.
I'm trying to figure out what no eyes or nose.
What does lutah have to do?
Like, is loo part of the name of an animal and then ta's?
But it has a bunny and a giraffe mouth.
Does it have two mouths?
One's a bunny mouth and one's a giraffe mouth.
It has bunny and giraffe mouth.
And it has no eyes or nose.
It's already horrifying looking.
This is this is terrifying.
Like a chimpanzee victim.
They like to eat your face off.
Get that kid some therapy.
Boogers don't go on the wall.
That's more like a public service announcement.
This is more like what Bart Simpson writes in chalk at the beginning of the Simpsons episode.
Or it's like here at Ben and Smond's house.
Yes.
And the mother is obsessed with sticky notes everywhere, letting everybody know what to do.
So like she had all the walls a little sticky notes.
Boogers don't go on the wall.
Hey, kid.
Don't move this knickknack.
Yeah.
This is the hand soap you use.
This hand soap is for grandma or something.
I don't know.
Fire.
Don't touch.
Or if you do, you rent like an Airbnb.
I've had Airbnbs where it's just sticky notes everywhere.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The rentals.
They'll do that.
Two ghosts were fighting.
One got tired.
The other one said, hey, want to go to a restaurant together?
Clara, age five.
We need to work on the like brevity is the essence of wit thing here.
You whittle these down.
Clara.
So they're fighting.
One got tired.
The other said, ah, let's go to the restaurant.
Yeah, this is more of a sketch.
We need to whittle it down to a headline.
Yeah, what do uh ghost eat when they go out?
Yeah, just it gets in all the cartoons they eat and it just falls booberry pie.
Oh gosh, guy really annoyed because random kids are walking around his house eating tacos.
That would be annoying.
Another one from Clara.
Here's another one from Clara.
You know, Clara is Joel's daughter.
Joel's our managing editor, so he's really using this as a platform to get his daughter some recognition.
We're on to you, Joel.
Very incestuous.
No, nepotistic.
We've been through this.
Two guys went in the forest.
It wasn't a good idea.
You won't believe what happened next.
That just sounds like the have you ever seen that show I Shouldn't Be Alive?
Yeah, like there's people that that's the premise.
Two guys went in the forest wasn't a good idea.
That should be the name of the show, or I survived, or whatever.
Yeah, it's just always.
Yeah, we went in the forest, it was a bad idea.
Oh, here's a 16 year old submission that counts barely.
That's like the cutoff, just about 10 reasons.
Homework is racist and merely a manifestation of white privilege.
I like it.
He's starting to understand.
He reads too much Babylon B. All right, man bites man who bit dog who pooped.
So he bit the man because the man bit the dog and he bit the dog because the dog pooped.
Did the dog poop on the carpet?
Um, was there?
Doesn't give us any motivation here.
Or did the dog poop before or after he was bitten?
Man bites man who it's like a little old lady who swallowed the fly situation.
This is and that's from Nate's kid.
Nate is one of our writers.
Nate Mcmillan here's Frank Fleming's, uh, five-year-old gave us this joke.
Imagine the cover of NEW YORK Times.
There's a picture of a girl.
Picture these as a girl poops in her pants forever.
That sounds like a slogan for, uh like you know, diapers or something like a.
It's like diamonds are forever.
You know, pink diapers is in the cursive.
A girl poops in her pants forever.
You know what this sounds like if you've ever been on a stock image site and you're trying to look for images.
A lot of people who take the pictures are from not from America, you know they're.
They probably googled how to translate it to English and it's like, and it's like a girl sitting there smiling, like a girl sits and smiles at camera, poops in her pants forever.
She is happy.
Yeah, the hands, the handsome man is very happy and yeah, that kind of stuff.
And there's always sexy in there.
They always say yeah, the sexy man stands and stares.
Uh, we have two more.
So going on uh, this is Frank's seven year old.
These two, these are all from Frank's kids.
So two more, both from.
We'll see if the apple fars falls far from the tree because Frank's a master.
Yeah, boy makes gunpowder cake because he mistook gunpowder for flour and the cake shot him.
So this is in the obituary section of the newspaper.
I can tell they're raised on a steady diet of Looney Tune.
At what point is the shooting like?
When he's like slicing a slice off and then takes the first bite?
Well, I assume they light the candle.
Oh, the candle.
Yeah, that's like the.
That's a good Looney Tunes bit.
Yeah, I like the idea that the, the cake, would actually like form sort of a cannon and shoot him in the face and he'd be all soot.
Yeah, he gets hit by a giant cannonball, but he just faces a little more black.
That's all.
Or he'll hold up a sign that's like, Guess I shouldn't have done that.
Yeah, please end this cartoon.
Uh, okay, last one.
This is Frank's nine-year-old son.
So we went, his five-year-old kid did a girl poops in her pants forever.
His seven-year-old kid did Boy Makes Gunpowder Cake, and his nine-year-old kid did this.
Deadly Father leaves TV tray out again.
We're really going out on a whimper there.
It feels like an anecdote.
So I feel like he left the TV tray out and someone tripped on it.
Yeah.
Deadly father.
Deadly father.
Father loses custody of his three children.
Sad.
All right.
All right.
Good job, kids.
You're very funny.
You're all fired.
And you're all fired.
And you're not getting hired by the Babylon people.
Yeah, we'll never pay you.
That's sent.
I really miss Adam Ford.
Oh, yes.
Hate mail.
This is a comment, right?
This is a comment on our Facebook page, actually, on one of the videos of this podcast.
So this is podcast hate mail.
Yeah, it's a podcast comment, though, right?
Or is it hate mail?
A mail.
It's a comment from our last news podcast.
But yeah, you too can comment and subscribe and like and ring that bell.
And leave a good comment.
Mash that subscribe button.
I've never listened to you guys before, but I was scrolling today.
Is everything you guys say satire?
I'm not sure who is who, but I only came here to say the quiet man in plaid.
I assume that's Ethan.
Is that like a John Wayne movie?
The quiet man in plaid.
The quiet man with no name.
The good, the bad, and the ugly.
The quiet man in plaid needs to speak up and have some conviction and not cave to the left-leaning man trying to pretend he's more centrist in the legend of Zelda t-shirt.
So that would be me.
I guess I'm a leftist.
He's a leftist.
You want to read the rest when he said he didn't watch the debate?
Just read others' opinions.
If this isn't a satire podcast, people like you are the problem today.
By the way, the problem is capitalized.
Yeah, the problem.
Yeah.
That sounds like it's a band.
Like it's referencing Satan or something.
Yeah.
And then there's an emoji of shrugging woman.
Oh, lady yaggling.
The people writing those summaries are full of crap and biased.
But because butt is all capitalized.
If this is all satire, painfully accurate stereotypes of people today.
Clapping.
Emoji.
Emoji.
So.
So leftist in the Zelda shirt and quiet man in plaid.
Either you're leftist and I'm a quiet man in plaid, or we're brilliant satirists.
Which is it?
It was all satire.
All satire.
It's all satire.
Everything we say is satire.
We're satirizing everything.
And we're really good at it.
Like living, we're like Andy Kaufman's.
We're living Andy Kaufman's.
Yeah.
Because he's dead.
Nobody knows what we're saying.
Yeah.
So.
What's real?
I went.
I actually listened.
This was on the one where we talked about the Trump-Biden debate.
And I just listened to that segment.
And I was.
I have no idea why she thought I was a leftist because I was kind of like, I don't know.
We were making fun of the whole thing.
And maybe just because.
If you're not saying, I notice there's a lot of people, if you're not saying, Trump mopped the floor with Biden.
He had to shoved a pole up in his air and then used his face like a mop and just cleaned the place with Joe Biden's face was everywhere.
Probably true.
We don't say that.
Then she's got this idea that you and I were like disagreeing.
Like I was, Like, Trump did a horrible job.
Yeah.
He's the worst, worst president we've ever had.
And you're like, actually, I thought he was great.
Yeah.
I don't like to talk much.
Are you a racist?
You're a racist.
Just a quiet man in plaid, sir.
And then you disagree and you're like, okay.
Yes.
That was satire, by the way.
So, yeah.
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Just to be clear, it's not a foot thing that I have.