VP Kamala/Atheist Arguments/Bats and Boars News Show 8.14.2020
In this episode of The Babylon Bee podcast, Kyle and Ethan talk about the week's biggest stories like Biden picking Kamala Harris as his running mate, irrefutable atheist arguments that will have you running out to buy a sophisticated trilby hat, and how bored boars and bats are attacking naked Germans and libertarians. This episode is brought to you by The Compromised Church by Frederick A. Herschelman. Exploring issues like the prosperity gospel, the entertainment-centered, seeker-sensitive church, and the importance of lay believers and pastors alike remaining biblically faithful in a time when we're being pressured to compromise our beliefs, The Compromised Church is a timely exposé of the complacency in American Christianity today. Show Outline Introduction Stuff That's Good Kyle likes HBO's Chernobyl. Ethan likes Jubilee - Middle Ground on YouTube. Weird News Naked German man chases down feral hog that stole his laptop World's last Blockbuster video store listed on Airbnb Wild boar leads police on hours-long chase through city Researchers teaching robots to write a stage play in Czech Republic Domino's New Zealand pulls promotion giving free pizzas to 'Karens' Australian pub bans emus for 'bad behavior' Libertarian Presidential Nominee Jo Jorgensen Bitten by Bat | Time Woman who gouged out eyes while on meth receives prosthetic eyeballs Stories of the Week Story 1 Chicago Mayor Drives Past Looters To Arrest 7-Year-Old Having A Birthday Party Summary: The mayor of Chicago made headlines this week when she heroically drove her car toward a group of pillaging looters, then swerved past them to arrest a 7-year old having a birthday party. Story 2 Biden Campaign Warns That For Debate Biden Will Need A Mask That Completely Conceals His Face And He Might Sound Different Summary: The Biden Campaign has said they are open to debating Donald Trump however they have warned the press that Joe Biden will need to wear a mask that completely conceals his face and that his voice might sound different Story 3 10 Irrefutable Atheist Arguments That Will Explode Your Feeble Christian Brain Summary: Go ahead and order that fedora or trilby. Topic of the Week Kamala Harris chosen as Joe Biden's running mate RIP Kamala was trending on Twitter Whats the point of a VP anyway? What the left said about her then vs now Tulsi Gabbard torpedoed her on her criminal justice record What Kamala said about Joe Biden vs now Kamala Harris gun ownership Kamala Harris on abortion Hate Mail We get a very confusing message leading us to wonder who at the Democratic National Committee runs the Department of Approved Jokes. Subscriber Portion Mailbag! We get a video question from our buddy Cameron! To watch or listen to the full podcast, become a subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans.
In a world of fake news, we bring you up-to-the-minute factual inaccuracy and a heavy dose of moral truth with your hosts, Kyle Mann and Ethan Nicole.
This is the Babylon B. Fake news you can trust.
Hello, everybody, and welcome to the state-approved media broadcast, The Babylon Bee Show.
Is that the name of our show?
Babylon Bee Podcast.
The Babylon Bee redundantly named podcast.
When we were trying to figure out how to start the show and stuff, we were trying to go, is this the Babylon B podcast?
Or the Babylon B show podcast?
We just call it the Babylon B on the pod.
It's implied that it's the Babylon B. You know it's a podcast because you're already listening to it.
Well, then I got weird because we had the news show, which is not really a news show.
It's goofing off about the news.
And then there's the interview show because we split them into two.
Yeah.
And it's barely an interview.
So it's, I don't know.
Anyway, welcome, comrades.
We are here talking about the news, which is what we do on this podcast.
Yeah, and I was gone last week.
So I have like, again, because I was visiting my father.
Yeah.
I already got mentioned before.
He's not doing so hot.
It was good for the whole family to be together.
So you saw him through.
I missed another week of news.
I mean, I was on my phone.
My phone worked, but.
You saw him through a plexiglass thing, I assume.
And you guys were all standing on the other side of the room.
We defied government orders and we embraced.
Gasp.
Yeah, I talked about this.
We just interviewed Phil Johnson from Grace Community Church.
Good job.
Almost said chapel.
I got both of those things right.
I was really struggling.
But yeah, I was just talking about him there.
It's going to come out.
But the thing that really dawned on me was we don't talk a lot.
My dad can't talk much.
His brain is kind of shutting down.
He's got dementia.
But, you know, we act like Zoom can be this replacement for all these things.
Nothing could have replaced being there, even though I'm just sitting there.
A lot of times we're just on our phones.
We're just watching a show or just eating together.
There's something about being in the same room.
I don't know what the argument is for it, but being together.
Well, it's like literally how we were designed.
Right.
be is with people like the idea that we could accomplish all this from well also the idea that the that your relationship can be reduced down to need to have a conversation with a point finishing it and hanging up Like that's the idea of the Zoom call, right?
Like, oh, we just need to have a conversation.
And once it's all done, we've covered all of the topics.
Then once that's done, we've gotten our fill.
But that's not, that's not human relationships either.
My dad, we didn't have a single conversation when I was there.
But there was just something powerful to be in the same room together, to have the grandkids playing at his feet.
So it just kind of dawned on me how not to take for granted being together in church with friends, with family, and how like I just, I really don't want this lockdown to go on so long that we lose that realization of that.
We need that.
Yeah, it's true.
I absolutely hate video calls.
I hate them.
I will despise the worst.
And that's what we got.
Now we got, because my kids are in public school, but it's all on the computer.
So they're trying to put my five-year-old daughter on a two-hour Zoom call with a teacher she's never met.
So she doesn't know who this lady is.
And she loved her teacher from last year.
And then suddenly she was pulled out of the class.
Every night we pray for that teacher.
Whenever we do our nightly prayers, she always wants to pray to thank God for that teacher.
And she will never, she may never see her again because they just pulled her out of the class.
And now we're trying to get her on board with this lady on a video for two hours.
It's ridiculous.
My wife is going crazy at home right now, trying to have three different kids on three different Zoom calls at school.
It's nuts.
So I think we our wives talked about homeschooling this week.
They did.
They had a long conversation.
Now you're trying to get us to move out to the boonies, too.
Yeah, I'm moving.
I'm moving a little farther away.
So get a little more space.
Yeah.
Get some chickens.
Really?
Yeah.
I've heard that chickens.
Well, it's nice to have eggs, but I've heard they're horrible creatures.
Really?
I used to have chickens.
Growing up.
Okay.
You didn't have to take care of them, though.
We had to go, you know.
You cut their heads off?
No, but we got, so we had three chickens.
We got three dogs.
And the three dogs ate the three chickens.
And that was the end of our that sounds like a nursery rhyme.
Yeah.
The three little chickens, the three yum hungry dogs.
Yum, yum, yum.
The brown dog came out to the bar.
It ate the brown chicken.
It's like one of those songs on YouTube for like a Korean, a Korean is recording all these making ups for your team.
He's like, it might be a fairy tale, but it's just animals killing you.
Anyone has the cake, cake, you know, just random.
Like the chicken has the cake.
I don't know.
I don't know what's happening.
Okay, so we're going to change things up this week.
We're going to do weird news, stuff that's good, stories of the week, topic of the week, hate mail, and our subscriber portion.
Wow.
Which is what we always do.
That's by the book.
That's back to say I buy the book.
We ready?
Stuff that's good.
But now, this week's edition of stuff that's good.
All right.
Stuff that's good.
We're talking about stuff that's good.
And this week I'm going to talk about HBO's Chernobyl.
HBO is known for they always have a lot of boobies in everything.
So is Chernobyl full of boobies?
Yeah, but they just get it out of the way.
So the first episode is just a bunch of footage of boobies.
Okay.
And then the rest is just a nice historical discussion.
They just skip the first episode.
Yeah, it's just all boobs.
And then they go.
Or just watch the first episode only.
Depending on who you are.
I'm just kidding.
No, there's no boobies in the whole thing.
Really?
I don't think.
That's restraint.
There are some naked guys.
Okay.
Because some of the coal miners that went to go help fix whatever was going on, all the radiation and all that.
They were so hot underneath this reactor they were digging under, they all just took their clothes off.
Like, hundreds of people.
Because they needed to.
Yeah.
I do that.
My wife had me build a desk in like a playroom the other day, and the playroom is not air-conditioned, so I just stripped down naked.
I didn't.
I thought about it.
Sorry.
The reason that I like Chernobyl is that it is like, it was an incredible depiction of communism and what it was like to live in the USSR.
They have this huge radioactive disaster, right?
This nuclear reactor that the entire core exploded.
And on the show, they depict the leaders as being the ones who are total morons.
And everybody's just trying to get a leg up in the Communist Party.
So they don't want to be the one to be like, hey, guys, we have a huge problem here.
Because if you say that, you're in the show, they show people getting shipped off to the gulag because they're like, oh, this is a huge disaster.
We have to let everybody know.
They're like, come with me.
And they show a lot of the leaders saying, there is no problem here.
And then the scientist is like, actually, this is pretty bad.
And they're like, no, the party says there's no problem.
So there's no problem.
And you're like, wow.
And it's pretty.
And I guess it's fairly historically accurate that there's a few characters and stuff that they took some liberties with.
But it was absolutely fascinating to me.
The people that actually solved the problem were just normal Soviet citizens that just sacrificed themselves to go contain this thing.
So it was pretty cool to see like the leaders screwed it up, the leaders put everybody in danger, and it's just ordinary humans that go and solve this problem together.
So it was fascinating.
And I didn't expect to like it.
I thought I would like it, but anytime I see like a historical drama, I go in and go, I'm like, okay, it's like doing homework.
You got to gear yourself up for it.
But like from the first scene here, it's like into it.
So one of the best shows I've ever seen, Chernobyl.
Wow.
Check it out.
It's like a one I've been meaning to do.
So maybe you've pushed it.
I've been meaning for like a year to watch it.
And finally, I did.
And me and my wife watched the whole thing.
It was great.
For mine, there's a channel which you may have heard of.
They have a lot of followers on YouTube called Jubilee.
And I assume it's probably, I'm sure they're left-leaning, but they have a show called Middle Ground.
And I've enjoyed it.
They basically just have like a parking garage that's like darkly lit.
And they just have like six people sit together and they're on two sides of an issue.
So it might be gay marriage.
It might be Christians and atheists.
It might be scientists.
And they have one with scientists and flat earthers.
Like they just have like, they get people in, but they treat everybody with respect.
And it's just about bringing back the idea of dialogue and finding things that they agree on.
And so they'll just kind of, they'll, they kind of, one thing I do wish they would do is they, I wish they would release the full versions because they're very edited.
Yeah.
Um, but overall, I mean, you have to take with a grain of salt.
You know, they're edited.
Uh, sometimes when they have Christians on, there are definitely a couple guys that I'm like, that guy's an idiot.
Why don't they pick a better Christian?
I thought about that about a lot almost every time I can guess.
Someone who represents.
But either way, I like what they're doing a lot.
I also have another show they do called, I think it's Odd Man Out, where they'll have like seven people and they all say they're Christians, but one of them is an atheist.
And so everyone has to guess who's lying.
And if the atheist, like if the atheist stays in, there's like a bunch of money in the middle.
They get all the money.
But if they figure out who the atheist is, all the Christians get to split it up.
But anyway, it's kind of interesting.
That was like an old TV show, wasn't it?
Where there was three guys on stage and they're all pretending to be scientists, but one of them has no idea what he's saying.
He's trying to answer questions like, oh, yeah, the radio something like that.
Yeah, but I like the middle ground is my favorite thing they do.
So I just recommend check it out if you like that kind of thing.
Cool.
This has been stuff that's good.
This has been stuff that's good.
This news is weird.
All right.
This is my favorite weird news story of the week and possibly of all time.
Naked German man chases down feral hog that stole his laptop.
If you're on the video version, you've got to look at this picture.
We'll have to blur it out, but it's absolutely beautiful.
There's a hog that is carrying a bag with a guy's laptop.
Oh, it's in a bag.
I'm like, man, how is this hog carrying a laptop?
Oh, wow.
Yeah, he's naked.
Is it like a nudist colony?
No, no one else is naked in this picture, are they?
Sunbathing, I guess.
But he's in Germany, so they probably, you know, it's more except for laughter.
He's like, go sunbathe nude or whatever.
I'm trying to look at it.
There's a massive ad that has taken over my screen.
Thanks a lot.
New York Daily News.
Okay, forget you.
Because the bag contained his laptop, he gave it his all, even though he was in his birthday suit.
The pig's look ran out when it was stalled by a cardboard box and the animal dropped the device.
Spammed.
I don't know.
There's got to be a joke in there.
Spammed.
I don't know.
Bacon.
Hog.
Never just saying words that have to do with swine.
He swined his laptop.
Did more things?
Nothing.
Snout.
Snout.
Oink.
Yoinked.
He yoinked his laptop.
Oinky.
The oinker yoinked it.
The oinker yoinked it.
We should have written before the show.
He's a yoinkin' oinker.
World's last blockbuster video store listed on Airbnb.
So you can actually go to the world's last blockbuster.
You can have a sleepover pop-ins and videotapes.
They have a big TV and giant bed, but it's like you're in Blockbuster.
For those who don't know, Blockbuster was a video store chain.
What is a video store?
Back when people would rent videos.
What's renting videos?
Videos are like the things on Netflix, but they come in a box and they're on a shelf.
You have to physically walk around Netflix.
And instead of clicking on a thing to watch it, you have to grab the box, go to the nice person at the front.
Actually, it's usually a pretty depressed teenager.
And then ask them if you can borrow it for a few days for some money.
You have to ask them.
Can I borrow this?
Can I borrow this?
Yeah, all right.
They tell you how much.
You look like an okay.
One of the favorite things was to do the five days, $5, five movies.
Old movies only, not new releases.
And so you get like American Ninja, you get Double Impact, Commando, Predator, and Hard Target.
Get those five movies, rent them.
You got five days to watch each of them multiple times.
Sounds like an amazing movie.
It's only $5.
$5.
Those were the days, my friend.
Do you remember going to Blockbuster on like when a new movie came out and they were just all rented?
Like they had the wall of the new release, whatever.
Yeah, they have a whole wall of Harrison Ford.
They were like 100 of them and they were all gone.
They would all be gone.
They're all gone.
Like there's 100 people in my town watching this movie tonight.
Yeah.
It's crazy.
Yeah, the limits.
But then they did like they eventually did a guarantee, right?
It was, we guarantee that we have it in stock.
But then if they, but they never did steal and they just give you a voucher for like a dollar offstein or something.
It's crazy how quickly the way that we consume videos has changed.
So I don't know if this is the same wild boar, but uh wild boar leads police on hours-long chase through a city.
This is the sequel.
Yeah.
So this boar made it over to, I think this is like Japan or something.
There's like 20 cops chasing this thing.
And they cannot get a hold on it.
They should put Benny Hill music over this video.
They're just trying all 20 of them and he's just like slipping out of the net and sounds like a wacky 90s family movie or kids movie or something.
Yeah, like Babe's Day Out or something.
Pig in the city.
Wasn't that Babe Pig in the City?
Pig in the City.
Babe's Day Out.
Boar on the run.
Pig.
Snout.
Swine.
Over the line.
I don't know.
Our creative muscles are struggling today.
Well, usually we write it beforehand.
Yeah, we usually do a lot more notes.
It's been a big week.
We just did an interview.
We don't need excuses.
What's this next one?
Researchers teaching robots to write a stage play in the Czech Republic.
So they're teaching a robot.
So once again, this is like a common theme of weird news.
Whenever they talk about what a robot is doing, it's a thing we never needed robots to do.
Right?
Why would you?
Be a dog.
Be a bird.
Dogs and birds were fine.
What else did we have?
They have robots doing well.
Once write write plays, was there a shirt?
It's like, people aren't writing enough plays.
We really need more people.
Well, it's kind of true, though, right?
It's like Hamilton.
That's the only play that's been written for like the last 10 years, right?
So they're like, okay, we got to get.
We've been talking about Hamilton for like a decade now.
Let's move on.
We need robot hands.
Get the robots on it.
I like the idea that these researchers are teaching robots to write stage plays.
Like, do they, who are they?
If they're not, what's his face?
The Hamilton guy, writer?
Juan Castrano or something?
Chavez McNeil.
I'm still gonna let you know.
What's his name?
What are you talking about?
Who's the Rye Hamilton creator guy?
Miranda Miranda Latino.
Something Miranda.
Miranda.
His last name's Miranda, right?
Miranda Carlino.
I don't know.
If he's not the one who's telling this robot how to write a play, then what good is it?
Lynn Manuel Miranda.
Lynn Manuel Miranda.
It's too many names.
I like the stock photo for this.
Yeah.
They have a robot.
They're an actual robot writing on a typewriter.
Like, I don't think that's.
I'm pretty sure.
I'm pretty sure it's just a name.
So some of the plays a robot might write.
A Midsummer's Nights operating system update.
Lim Limiser Robot.
I'm going to say that unenthusiastically.
Smamilton.
Oh, no.
CD Romeo and Juliet.
Much ado about low disc space.
That was almost obscene.
That's all we had.
That's it.
That's all I had.
Those are all the plays I know.
Oh, my gosh.
So this podcast is like sitting around while your weird uncle just makes stupid, stupid jokes and laughs at himself.
Domino's New Zealand pulls promotion giving free pizzas to Karens.
Yeah, so they were feeling bad for people named Karen.
So they put out this promotion.
If you're a nice Karen, you're not one of those mean ones, we'll give you free pizza or something.
You feel bad for Karens right now.
There's this huge backlash.
Like, why don't you give it to racial minorities, people who have been economically impacted by COVID-19?
Why are you favoring Karen?
Why do people have to ruin everything?
I like the Karen promotion.
What's what's bad for Karen?
It was canceled by a bunch of Karens.
So Karen's canceled the Karen promotion.
Yep.
Gosh.
Stop it, Karen.
Can't have nice things.
You up?
I just read that one.
Oh, you did?
Oh, I'm up.
Australian pub bans emus for bad behavior.
So a pub in Australia outback banned a pair of beloved local emus from the establishment.
Hey, those are our beloved local emus for improper acts, including stealing food and defecating on the floor.
They posted a sign at the entrance of the pub stating that the town's local emus, Kevin and Carol, that's their names, no longer are allowed inside.
So they've Kevin and Carol, you are not allowed inside.
So I don't know if these emus can read the signs.
But apparently they've been stealing things from the guests, especially their food.
So they basically stick their head in, like kind of like a Cobra sock puppet head and pinch the toast out of the toaster and stuff like that.
So you're just like trying to work.
And all of a sudden the emu is like.
Are you using the microphone?
That's what their heads are like.
How audio version is not going to see that, but they're going to hear this weird sound.
So the owner of the restaurant said the main reason we banned them is their droppings.
They're enormous.
They're very large.
They're very smelly.
And they created great stains, mate.
Because that's how he talks.
Great stains.
You don't think he means great in a good way.
He says they still hit them.
Those are some great stains.
They still hang around hoping that they'll be able to slip in when someone opens the gate.
So they're out there.
So far, we're winning this war.
They're out there pacing.
House?
I feel like he's got a sniper rifle on the digger redo hat that Australians do.
Did you redo?
Whatever.
Did you redo hat?
Did you use an instrument?
I know, I was just throwing a random Australian word out to describe the hat.
Yeah, I can't remember that name.
The Dundee, like a Dundee hat.
They're out there somewhere.
And when they come, I'll be ready.
Libertarian presidential nominee Joe Jorgensen bitten by bat.
So now we're in a timeline where the Libertarian candidate has been bitten by a bat.
And it's not the weirdest thing that's ever happened with a Libertarian candidate.
So that I had not even heard of this Libertarian candidate until they got bit.
She is the candidate, like presidential candidate for the Libertarian Party.
She was nominated.
But then she had to cancel something?
Yeah, she canceled going to some event because she just casually tweets, hey, guys, I wanted to come, but I can't.
Got bit by a bat.
Where?
Did she show the bite?
I don't think she posted a picture of the bite, no.
Like, did she sit on the bat?
Did the bat dive bomb her?
Did she accidentally reach into a bat cave trying to get out some jewels or something?
I don't know.
In what context do you get bit by a bat?
Studies have shown that 92% of bites are when you stick your hand in the batcave to get a jewel.
Like you see a hole in a cave and you're like, there's something shiny in there.
Look at that.
There's some gold coins.
I once found a bat.
I found a bat like crawling around in our basement.
And so I tried to revive it.
And I wore leather gloves.
It kept trying to bite me and they make crazy noises.
So I thought I had revived it.
I was feeding all this food and it was like moving and stuff.
So I was like, all right.
And I took it out into the back.
I was like, be free, little bat.
And I held it up and I threw it into the air.
And it goes, bud, and just hits the ground because it couldn't fly at all.
Like, I think it had a broken wing or something.
And so I tried, it died.
You get the rifle.
Yeah.
Just the sledgehammer.
Woman who gouged out eyes while on meth receives prosthetic eyeballs.
It's got a happy ending.
But did the eyeballs work?
Or did you just like to look like she?
I imagine she looks kind of like.
No, she's like, she's actually.
She looks like Hillary Clinton.
She's squinty in the picture, but I don't know if that's the before or the after.
I assume it's the after, but I don't know.
Does she look like she's on meth?
Because I think she's off now.
I would quit meth if it made me gouge out my eyeballs.
The son reports that she was 20 years old and she ripped out her own eyes, squishing them with her hands after snorting and injecting a tainted myth while a horrified onlooker tried to restrain her.
She believed at the time that if she plucked her eyes out, she would save the world.
Wow.
So it's noble.
Sure.
I mean, the intentions.
We generally judge things by intentions.
I was trying to save the world.
Yeah.
So lay off me.
Save the world.
Yeah.
So, but the good thing is now, if she ever, if that haver happens again, she relapses.
She's on meth again.
These eyes are completely gougeable and she can put them back in and out, in and out, in and out.
Fine.
No more consequences.
That's good.
Okay.
Well, that's an uplifting story.
It is.
Don't do meth.
Here at The Bee, we love to skewer prosperity gospel preachers like Kenneth Copeland and Joel Osteen.
And they provide plenty of material to work with.
Don't they?
Oh, they do.
But behind all the jokes and laughter, is there a more sinister side to things?
If you send your hard-earned money to the millionaire on the TV set so he can buy a second mansion, is God really going to bless you or heal your sickness?
Or were you just conned?
Is the prosperity gospel biblical?
Some used car salesmen have earned a bad reputation for withholding the truth, being deceptive, and telling lies.
Are the prosperity preachers on the TV set doing the same thing?
Today we want to recommend a new book that tackles these questions head-on.
It's called The Compromised Church by Frederick A. Herschelman.
It's available on Amazon and other booksellers today, exploring issues like the prosperity gospel, the entertainment-centered, seeker-sensitive church, and the importance of lay believers and pastors alike remaining biblically faithful in a time when we're being pressured to compromise our beliefs.
The Compromised Church is a timely expose of the complacency in American Christianity today.
Herschelman believes the Americanized me-centered gospel is one of the greatest threats facing Christians in our age, and we at the Babylon Bee tend to agree.
So go check out the Compromised Church on Amazon today.
Do it.
Every week, there are stories.
These are some of them.
Story number one.
But first, we have a quick weather update from Chicago.
You might want to rethink those weekend plans.
Another large murder front is expected to sweep Chicago this weekend.
Forecasters say a small murder storm has formed off Lake Michigan and is expected to grow into a massive murder front by Saturday, as long as death winds are sustained at their current level of murderiness.
Forecasters also predict that there will be very little change in Chicago's overall political climate.
If you decide to go out this weekend, be sure to wear your blood coats and blood boots because it's going to be boring out there.
Oh, and here's some advice.
Try not to get murdered.
All right, very grim indeed, Bob.
Thank you.
In a related story, Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot protected the citizens of Chicago yesterday by arresting a seven-year-old having a birthday party.
The mayor reportedly jumped in her car and drove over toward the boy's house, waving at looters, riders, and murderers as she passed.
Bricks, Molotov cocktails, and hand grenades flew over her car as she hurtled down the streets of Chicago, careening down alleyways and ripping through parking lots to get to the illegal party.
The mayor of Chicago made headlines this week when she heroically drove her car towards a group of pillaging looters, then swerved past them to arrest a seven-year-old having a birthday party instead.
Good job, Lori Lightfoot.
Lightfoot, what is these names?
To be a politician, you have to have a stupid name.
It stands out on signs.
It sounds like the last name of a hobbit.
I was just in...
We're the light feet from the Shire and the Brandybuck.
Lightfoot.
Lightfoots.
Well, look...
Lightfeet?
Because the Seattle police chief right who resigned, her last name is what, Best or something?
Yeah, something like that.
And then the one in Portland was Lawless or something.
No, Outlaw.
Outlaw.
Was it an outlaw?
I think so.
I think the last name was.
Yeah, Outlaw.
I was just in Snoqualmie.
I was driving across Washington to visit my family.
They had signs out for politicians.
One of the guys up for election was named Mike Mullett.
I'd vote for him.
Yeah, instantly.
I don't even know what platform.
Whatever.
Mike Mullett.
I'm in support of the mullet.
Yeah, so I guess there's widespread looting in Chicago this weekend, along with the regular amount of murders.
Yes, I mean, it's just a weekend in Chicago.
So.
And did she really arrest the seven-year-old?
No.
Oh.
That was fake.
Oh.
That was the best thing.
That was the joke.
The Babylon Bee is satire.
But she did tweet out a photo of this beach, right?
And she's like, oh, look at all these people not social distancing.
Rest assured, I have gone and taken care of the issue.
And it was kind of funny because.
My sniper has taken them out.
She puts this picture of this beach, and it's all guys.
And they're all in speedos.
And some people are like, what's going on?
Why are there so many guys there?
You're like, and then you suddenly realize, oh, it's like a gay beach or a gay.
I didn't know there's gay beaches.
I don't know if it's a gay beach per se, but I think it's near a gay neighborhood.
So there's like all these, there's like a kind of a big gay party.
There's a gay gathering at the beach.
That's gay gathering at the beach.
Like if Christians are at the beach, you don't go, oh, it's a Christian beach.
It's just like, well, they're just, they happen to.
The beach has to repent of its sins and accept Jesus as Lord and Savior before it's a Christian beach.
That's true.
The beach would have to like other beaches to be a gay beach.
And it would have one set of footprints.
Where the gay.
Or is this the Christian?
That's the Christian beach.
Okay, the gay.
The gay one has a lot of.
I don't want to get into the footprints of the gay one.
I don't know where that would go.
Yeah.
But I kind of liked this that like on the left they have all these values like the intersectional identities.
And now they've added onto it like masking.
Masking is one of the core values.
And so it's like now she's attacking the gays because they're not masking.
I don't know how this all like weighs against each other.
Also, if you're in a speedo, I mean, I don't know.
Like, is there any other way to transmit the disease from your body besides just the little mask in your mouth?
Like, sweat or anything?
I don't know how it works, but like you're wearing almost nothing.
Well, true.
Because the mask really.
I don't know how to transmit, but you can get it like in your eyes.
Because we interviewed Doc Fisher, and he was saying if you just touch your face, it can get in there.
Yeah.
Nose, eyes, ears?
No.
Who knows?
Probably deep enough.
If you get deep enough anywhere in your body.
Like, if you get really mad and steam shoots out your ears, that's for sure.
You think that would project to someone?
I had something.
We'll have to ask cartoon scientists about that.
Yeah, we can talk to cartoon scientists.
See what they say about the steam coming out of the ears.
That's a good point, though, Ethan.
Yeah.
Good observation.
Well, they're hugging with just speedos on?
Just hugging?
Do gay people hug where they hug?
When I'm at the beach, I think it's so dumb to wear a mask.
Because you have the sunlight, open air.
Yeah, there's almost no chance of spreading it right there.
Because that's the one thing we know, right?
Unless you're all in the crowd, like right.
If you're edged up against each other, yeah.
At a Smash Mouth concert.
Yeah.
At a peaceful protest.
That was what we just saw.
There was a big, I guess Smash Mouth had a big concert and a bunch of people showed up.
They're like, forget all this COVID stuff.
It is weird to think if you were going to, if there's one concert you're willing to die for, it's Smash Mouth.
Like, really?
Hey, now, you're an all-star.
I can't even drum up any emotions about Smash Mouth.
Yeah, I can't drum up hatred.
I can't drum up dislike.
I can't drum up like.
It's like Smash Mouth is a thing that exists in this universe, and that's about all.
Right, they're just like a, yeah, what's a good comparison even?
Are there hardcore Smash Mouth fans?
Do you think anybody has a Smash Mouth guy too?
Let's Google Smash Mouth.
People with really sad lives.
That would be Smash Mouth fans.
Well, the hardcore, like the ones that think of Smash Mouth as, you know, the Elvis of our time or something.
That would want to immortalize Smash Mouth lyrics into some sort of Apocrypha or something.
I don't know.
There's got to be.
They have all the lyrics tattooed all over their body.
I'm basically just talking until you get to whatever you're looking for.
So one guy has a tattoo across his neck that says, or like his collarbone says, only shooting stars break the mold.
The line from the Smash Mouth song.
Yeah, I know that.
It's a line from a Smash Mouth song.
Yeah.
For the homeschoolers.
For the homeschoolers.
So that's about all I can find here.
Smash Mouth, best known as the band from Shrek.
Right.
Yes.
Living down in San Diego, there was a big church down the street, and we would do this parade.
You know, all the churches would have their own little float in the parade or whatever around Patriots Day, I think.
And this church always had their worship band go by on the float playing like the cheesiest like 90s songs you could think of.
Go invite the hey now, you're an all-star.
Get you, and that was their way to like bring people in.
Yeah, I always cringed.
That's what I think of when I think of Smash Mouth.
So, why?
How did we get on Smash Mouth?
Because they had a concert that everybody went because we said Chicago looting, Gay Beach, to the sweat, to transmitting, and then smelling.
The Smash Mouth.
There's the connection.
All right.
Story two: Biden campaign, the Biden campaign, has said that they are open to debating Donald Trump.
However, they have warned the press that Joe Biden will need to wear a mask that completely conceals his face and that his voice might sound a little different.
So a mask that would conceal his face, but also maybe just his whole body.
Like it might just look like a guy from what's that movie about?
The outbreak?
Outbreak.
Outbreak.
Yeah, that one.
Hazmat Carl just walking in.
Because of the coronavirus concern, we will need to take extra precautions, said Biden campaign manager Jen O'Malley Dylan.
Biden will need to wear an extra safe face mask that will cover his entire face.
And while wearing it, his voice might sound different, even maybe a different accent.
But that's just because of the mask.
Dylan said that Biden will easily trounce Trump in the debate.
I think you'll be surprised at how well he does, she added.
It'll be a totally different Biden than the one you've come to expect.
But it will be Joe Biden up on the stage, just unidentifiable behind a mask, and he will sound much different and much more coherent.
Dylan also warned that it is possible that during the debate, someone looking just like Joe Biden may stumble out onto the stage looking confused and wondering what's going on.
She told the press that that's actually just Moe Biden, Joe Biden's twin brother, whom no one had ever mentioned until now, and that he likes to play jokes like this sometimes.
Silly old Moe.
Crazy Moe.
You know who wrote this one, right?
Oh, yeah, that's a that's Frank Fleming all the way.
Classic Mo.
Yeah, so I like how the New York Times, the Post, other papers have been calling for the end of presidential debates.
Right on the cue.
Right on cue.
Right on cue, yeah.
Just like, we don't really need him anymore.
That's kind of the time for presidential debates.
Yeah, I mean, we've done them.
And then the funny thing was, we'll talk about this in a second, but Kamala was just selected as the VP, and they think she's this great debater.
So now they're like, Vice presidential debates, let's go.
Yeah, we need him.
Yeah, but no presidential.
But oh, Biden Trump, no, we probably don't need it.
It's time to end that.
It would be a slaughter.
Trump and Biden.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Trump and it would be overall ridiculous.
Trump doesn't need to say anything coherent, though, right?
Like he just says his usual talking points.
We're not shocked by when he says something kind of crazy.
That's how he talks.
But Biden's going to be like struggling, man.
Yeah, he doesn't say things crazy in the same.
They're different brands of crazy.
It's not the same kind of crazy.
It's voluntary versus involuntary.
Exactly what it is.
Trump says something wacky and he's like, yeah, look, you know, we got to inject the bleach, man.
Yeah.
The doctors are working on it.
Yeah.
And Biden just doesn't know where he is.
Yeah.
That's the thing.
You know the thing.
It's like he wants to say something crazy, but he can't even remember what he was going to say to get it out of it.
That's probably it because he has that kind of a personality where he would say something kind of over the top, but then his brain goes like and then he like says something on the other side.
Bottom of the other side of the top, like twisted.
He keeps just accidentally saying racist things.
That's true.
Just is what it is.
He needs to take a, what's those latent racency tests?
Wait.
Did you say that's not a real word?
Latent racency.
Wait, latent racism.
Ubiquitous, no, underpinning, underlying racial.
I can't remember.
Oh, confirm.
No, something bias.
Implicit bias.
That was me digging through the trash of my head and my skull.
Speaking of incoherent brain experience.
I would never do a debate.
You have to admit, that's brave, right?
To go before the entire world and debate.
Yeah, I wouldn't be good at it.
That'd be hard.
I'd be bad at debating.
I get too involved.
I get too passionate about it.
Get your feelings hurt.
Yeah, I would.
I'd be like, oh, man, that's brutal, man.
Yeah.
Why'd you say that?
Yeah.
No, I don't.
What?
Well, but, you know, so Biden is going to debate Trump, but he will be wearing this mask.
So have they said if they will debate?
They keep kind of dodging it, so I don't know.
So there's been no actual.
Yeah, I don't think there's an official word.
It'd be weird to not have a debate.
Yeah, I wonder what would be worse for the Democrats.
Saying we're backing out entirely.
Refusing to debate at all.
Refusing to debate.
That's pretty pathetic.
That does look pretty weak and stupid.
Or using COVID as an excuse, right?
That could be why they've been milking the COVID thing so hard.
Yeah, well, there's coronavirus concerns.
Yeah, we just can't do it.
He's old.
I don't know.
And a Zoom debate doesn't count.
They can't go on a Skype and debate each other.
If I had to bet money right now, I would say that he will not get on a debate stage with Trump.
Yeah.
He won't do it.
It'd be a slaughter.
It would be terrible.
I mean, I don't be terrible.
If gambling wasn't the sin, I would bet on that right now.
All right, let's go on to our next story.
Go ahead.
All right.
For this one, we're going to read 10 irrefutable atheist arguments that will explode your feeble Christian brain.
So are we putting on our atheist hats right now?
Yeah.
You guys are dumb Christians.
What's your atheist name?
Believe in a magic sky fairy.
My atheist name would be Carl.
What are some famous atheists?
Sagan.
Dawkins, Sagan.
Dawkins, Sagan, Sam Harris.
Sam Harris.
Kyle Sam.
I don't know.
Kyle.
Yeah.
Carl.
Atheist is my name.
Ethy.
Ethian.
Atheian Nicole.
Maybe your name's just be like Denarius or something.
Atheists like names like that.
Dante.
That's true.
Raven.
I think I would want one word.
Like, yeah, Raven.
Raven's sword.
Raven's sword.
We've landed on it.
Herbert.
Herbert's a good latest name.
Well, if you believe in a magic sky, Daddy, you're a dummy.
And so we're going to blow your mind and instantly dismantle Christianity right now.
Right before your very eyes.
You better go buy a fedora because you're about to become an atheist.
Ooh.
Or a trilby, actually.
What's a trilby?
Oh, is that a hat?
I think we think of a fedora.
It's actually a trilby.
I think fedoras tend to be kind of 1940s longer brimmed.
Or even a little tiny one.
I think that's more trilby.
It might be that because a lot of the time atheists are like my size.
And so those hats look really small in them.
That's true.
They buy the full fedora.
Yeah, and their head looks like...
It would be big on a normal person.
It looks like a watermelon melting in the sun or whatever.
And there's just a little hat on it.
Right.
Right.
Obviously.
That's what we were all thinking.
Okay.
First argument.
If God's real, why do dinosaurs go roar?
Fossils exist.
Fossils exist.
Dinosaurs go roar.
You can't explain that.
That's right.
Because God.
Right.
Christianity destroyed.
Are we going to make Dan at a thing now?
Did he add a thing when we did that?
He did.
He did really good.
It was prophecy fulfilled.
Prophecy fulfilled.
I heard the noise, but I didn't know what he said.
Christianity destroyed.
You put your finger out and then like a little comes off.
Christianity destroyed.
Shoot it.
It will add the effects.
It's pretty easy.
You add a little flash and a Christianity destroyed.
How'd that do?
I'll do it.
Christianity destroyed.
But you don't have to say, right?
You don't have to say, but you need the jolt.
And then you'll just have the word Christianity go like shatter.
This podcast was not intelligently designed.
All right.
Christians, how come your so-called God doesn't believe the exact same things I do?
That's a good point.
Hmm.
Think about that.
Yeah.
Shove that in your Bible and smoke it.
Like, if I were God, I would do things differently from how your invisible magic Sky Fairy friend wizard guy is doing things.
Clearly, he doesn't exist.
Boom.
Oh, yeah.
You do it every time.
Number three, if God is all good and all-powerful, why is he allowing James Cameron to make a bunch of avatar sequels?
This is a pretty convincing.
Powerful argument.
Like, if he's powerful enough to stop Avatar 2 through 6 from being made but refuses, then he cannot be all good.
But if he wants to stop them but can't, then he's not all-powerful.
Christian corpses melting in the sun.
The resurrection of Jesus.
It's clearly a ripoff of Gandalf's Return of the Two Towers.
Can't believe it.
It's so obvious.
It's like right there in the book, and they just rip it off.
And everybody's like, resurrection.
That's what they say.
Dumb Christians.
Yeah, they clearly watched Peter Jackson trilogy a bunch of times.
The gospel writers did, and they're like, oh, yeah, parallels.
Dumb Christians.
All you dumb Christians are believing it, eating it up like an otter eating a clam.
Like sheep to the slaughter.
Like pancakes on the griddle.
Oysters in the barbecue.
Christianity destroyed.
Number five, joint Taco Bell Pizza Hut locations exist, yet God is silent.
Hmm.
God wanted to.
He could wipe these out right now, but he doesn't.
Where's your favorite?
Why do you allow those two creatures to be able to commingle?
Isn't there, aren't there, isn't it even worse than this?
Aren't there Taco Bell Pizza Hut KFC?
Is there?
I think there are.
Wow.
So you can get like a fried chicken taco.
What's the other one?
Pizza?
Well, I don't think all the food mixes.
It's just the answer.
Why not?
I'll have some of that.
I don't want a chicken pizza taco.
A little of that.
Yeah.
No, they should have a combined menu or a secret menu.
Mexican pizza.
The Taco Bell Mexican pizza.
Or they take the Hulk Cake.
They take the pizza.
They cover it in fried chicken and then they fold it up like a taco.
Boom.
No, no, no.
Talk about Pizza Hut KFC.
Destroyed.
Every Christ.
Okay, Christians.
Every Christian character I've ever seen in the movies is a real jerk.
Solid point.
Yeah.
So I watch a ton of movies.
And I mean, I don't even know any Christians personally, but if I did, I'm sure they'd be as mean as they are in Netflix shows and in Hollywood movies.
They're total bigots every time they appear on screen.
Absolutely.
Every time you see a priest or a pastor, I've watched the mist.
They're total jerks.
Yeah, a number of times.
In the mist.
Yeah.
And they're idiots, huh?
Yeah, there's that lady that's like, man, the Lord.
Oh, in the office.
Angela.
Angela?
What a jerk.
Yeah.
She's obvious evidence.
Christians are horrible.
I like Christian.
I like Jesus Christ, but the problem with him is Christians.
Like Angela.
Ned Flanders.
Ned Flanders.
I mean, what an idiot.
He's a total moron.
Are you going to shoot the camera?
Oh, yeah.
Owned.
Here's a puzzler.
Here's a little mind noodler.
Riddle me this, Christian.
Riddle me this.
Can God make Dwayne the Rock Johnson so big he can't lift him?
I believe Greg Kochl's mind was broken.
We tried this on him, and he turned into an atheist.
He's slobbering in a mental hospital now because he can't even handle it.
His brain is his organization.
Smash brain.
What's his organization?
Stand to reason?
Yeah, now it's sit in a wheelchair to nothing to be fused.
Game set match.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
So you think you're Christian?
I already was a Christian.
I went to church and I was little and it was boring.
Boom.
Boom.
I mean, I only went to like one time on Easter when they were staying with Aunt Edna for the weekend, but it was really boring and the goldfish trackers were stale.
Where's your supposed God now?
Fundy.
She's skydaddy now.
We need to work on our very smug looks for the camera.
Owned.
All right, here's a time-honored classic atheist argument: flying spaghetti monster.
Rocket launcher.
Next.
And finally, this is a.
I mean, you might want to sit down for this one, Christians.
I know your knees are already knocking.
Sin is really fun, and God would kind of ruin the whole thing.
And so thanks, but no thanks.
It's a good point.
Solid.
Yeah, like, we like sin.
Sin's good.
If God was real, I'd have to change my life.
Yeah.
That would suck.
Would be impossible.
I'll stick doing whatever I want.
Yeah.
Fundies.
If God are real, I'd have a lot of thinking to do about how I live my life.
And I really like having no one to answer to.
So thanks for the whole comforting religious crutch idea of God.
But I'll stick with doing whatever I want with no moral absolutes to guide me.
Fedora tip.
We did it at the same time.
I don't know if he can be able to be whoever he got.
Maybe we can do split screen.
Topic of the week.
Bring it.
And now, the Babylon Bees Topic of the Week.
We're all revved up now.
You do a good atheist, Ethan.
Oh, thanks.
I once was one.
It was boring.
As boring as church when I was little.
Oh, yeah, I gotta get back to the notes now.
All right.
Well, here's our big topic of the week.
Ethan and I, we don't really like politics that much.
We're kind of like, yeah, we got to follow it for the B and all that.
But honestly, if I wasn't doing the Babylon B, I probably wouldn't even know who's running right now and any of that stuff.
I'd just be living my life and playing board games, watching Lord of the Rings.
Yeah, but here we are.
But here we are.
So we got to tell you that Kamala has been accepted, has been chosen.
Depends if you're a Calvinist or nurse.
Biden's president.
She's been chosen as Biden's elect.
Yeah, she's been elected.
Wait, no.
She's been chosen as Joe Biden's running mate.
So he already said ahead of time, he's like, I'm going to.
I can't do it, Joe Biden.
It's going to be a woman of color.
Pillar woman of color.
I was doing some different things.
And then I saw that woman of color.
They told me it's got to be a woman that's got a color to it.
Individual with a cervix.
I don't know.
He's like a southern guy.
I picked Cowley Harris.
He's my VP.
He's spare $5 for a blind man.
But this was short-lived because unfortunately, Kamala Harris has passed away.
Right around the time that she got this.
Actually, I could say he got picked.
Dead.
Wrestler Kamala Harris passed away at age 70 this week.
And I was kind of a shock to everybody.
I mean, you know, 70s, still kind of old, but he's a poor Kamala.
Writers, he got selected.
James VP and Kamala Harris.
Yeah.
WWE wrestler.
Sad.
I was more of an Ultimate Warrior guy myself.
Yeah.
His debut is in 1984, so he's been around a while.
But yeah, you know, anytime one of the greats, one of the WWF guys goes, it's sad.
When Macho Man passed away, I wept for three weeks.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
So Kamala Harris.
I would have looked forward to having a WWF wrestler in the White House.
That was a smart combination.
Joe Biden and a wrestler.
Strength, because the nation needs strength right now.
Absolutely.
And Biden was always challenging people to push up contests and all that.
So he's got a guy now that can back him up.
And he get back when he's like, if you don't support me, you ain't black.
Otherwise, this guy will rip your spine out.
Yeah.
They could do a tag team thing in the debates that Biden forgets where he is.
He just reaches his hand out.
Yeah.
Kamala.
Tag Tim.
Tag Man.
Tagman.
So.
Oh, well, hold on.
I'm getting a note.
Our producer is in my earbud right now telling me I have an earbud inside of this giant headphone.
Do you really?
No.
Oh, it's actually Kamala Harris, the female, not a wrestler.
Oh, the senator.
The senator.
That makes more sense.
Yeah.
Because he said woman of color, so I guess.
Yeah.
Though I don't know if you like.
The definition of the word woman has come through a lot of changes.
So a black male 70-year-old wrestler could be a woman.
You never know.
I don't want to judge.
There's nothing in that description that would exclude him from being a woman.
Exactly.
Yeah, it was actually believing happening.
We go on Twitter and it's like R.I.P. Kamala.
Yeah, so they elect Kamala Harris to be their VP in this other Kamala Harris.
It feels like there's some kind of monkey's paw thing going on.
Something's happening there.
Somebody has to die for.
It was suggested to me on someone on Twitter suggesting me that Hillary Clinton is right now chewing out her hitman.
You got the wrong.
You got the wrong Kamala.
What are you doing?
They look nothing alike.
No hair.
Hair.
Makeup.
Well, makeup.
White makeup.
So Hitman comes in.
It's done.
The job is done.
Where's the money?
I said I wanted her head on a scalp.
Or head on a scalp.
I wanted it.
On a platter.
Head on a platter.
Here you go.
Who is that?
It's Kamala Harris.
Legendary of WWF.
Made his debut in 1984.
Wrestled with such greats.
You know, Andre the Giant.
You said Kamala Harris.
I googled it.
It was the first result.
He was known as the Ugandan giant.
There's a lot of work getting this guy.
He really resisted.
He struggled.
Okay, we got to say he really did die.
It's not funny that he really died.
We just got to say that.
Because he has family.
It's just you couldn't write this.
Just the bizarre timing.
Bizarre timing.
It's another glitch in the simulation.
So really, what is the point of a vice presidential candidate?
My theory is it's because like there's always like you know like uh the Republicans you think they want to vote for like a clean-cut Christian person with all these great values and blah blah blah all this stuff.
So like but they got Trump.
So then Trump, his vice president, like, well, actually, this is my friend who's exactly like everything he has wanted.
He's a nice, clean-cut Christian guy, very conservative.
So he got Mike Pence.
Obama was like, I know there's some of you guys that really wanted a white guy up here or whatever.
So here, I got a white guy.
And then so now Biden's like, I know you guys didn't want an old white rich guy up here.
So here I got my black female friend.
So it just kind of lets everybody feel a little bit better about their choice.
So it's like you want to invite someone to a party.
It's like a token person.
You invited someone to a party, but you really want to get to his friend that has the boom box or whatever.
Maybe.
Something like that.
Yeah, I don't know.
But it's a package deal.
They come together and you're like, okay, well, you can come because you're familiar with that.
They don't have to do anything.
They just kind of stand off the side.
And it's just like, yeah, I'm down with this guy.
Imagine if I was him.
He's my best friend.
I could be him.
Or she is.
I'm not, but yeah.
Kamala seems like a bizarre choice to me for this.
I don't know much about her.
I never did.
She's a California senator, one of the two California senators, which they were going to win California anyway.
And so a lot of times you pick your vice presidential candidate to kind of balance out like, oh, Ohio.
Ohio's up in the air.
We got to get Ohio.
You know, you can pick a senator from Ohio.
It's kind of strange.
It's like, yeah, he really locked up the California vote there.
Yeah.
With Kamala.
Coleman.
So she was California's DA.
She has a very spotty record when it comes to legislation, or not legislating, prosecuting.
Deputy.
I forgot what DA stands for.
Defense attorney.
No.
No, it's not.
District attorney.
District attorney.
Yeah.
See, that was close, kind of.
Yeah, you were great.
She put 120,000 minorities in prison.
What kind of psycho is she?
120,000 minorities?
That's what this says here.
Our researchers brought this up.
1,500 simply for marijuana use.
Wow.
Now, did she smoke weed?
Because didn't that get asked?
And she kind of like jokingly said, yeah, I did.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So she was laughing about that she kind of smoked weed after throwing all these people in jail for smoking weed.
Yeah, we had she got like hammered by Tulsi Gabbard.
Yeah, so you don't have it.
I was confused by that sentence because you don't have a DA of California because it's a district.
She was the DA in San Francisco and then she was the attorney general.
Oh, California.
It says California.
So it's San Francisco.
San Francisco's DA.
Okay.
We don't claim to be an authoritative news show.
We just make fun of things.
Yeah.
We thought it'd be helpful to have you get some information about Kamala Harris here, just enough to kind of be able to joke around about her.
Mainly the thing.
We're not trying to give you a solid thing to vote on as much as just kind of like, oh, here's stuff to joke about.
We give you enough information to tell a good joke.
Yeah.
Like we always.
Good informed Kamala Harris joke.
Like, what does her name rhyme with?
Ferris.
Pamela.
Oh, Kamala.
Pamala.
Oh, Harris.
Ferris.
Ferris.
See, when you're writing a joke, you take a notepad and you go.
Spare us.
Any rhymes?
Any good puns?
Kamala, spare us.
Good one.
Please.
Up top.
Kamala scares us.
Okay.
Stop.
We did a joke that she shaved her head before she met Biden.
We did.
Kamala hairless.
Kamala hairless.
Good one.
Kamada.
Someone else made that joke and I stole it.
Was it you?
Someone commented on the thread.
Oh, really?
Kamala hairless.
I was like, boom.
That's pretty good.
Not bad.
That was a somewhat challenging Photoshop.
I'm still not sure if I had to rush it.
Anyway, I don't really get the Kamala thing.
I don't get the selection.
I don't get the appeal.
When she dropped out, she was polling like under 2% in the Democratic.
She's like a quarter black, right?
She's Jamaican and Indian, I think.
Jamaican and Indian.
I thought that was just one parent was Jamaica.
Oh, maybe one parent is Jamaican and Indian.
One's Jamaican, one's Indian.
I don't know.
I'm such a racist that I don't really care what people's backgrounds are.
I saw Danesha Souza say that her father actually is descended from slave traders in Jamaica.
I heard something like that, yeah.
So she doesn't have quite the identity with the.
Which we don't really care about.
Your parents did something?
It's just what they care about.
But you guys care about it.
If you care about it, then why?
Here you care.
Here you go.
It's also bizarre because she was like absolutely at Joe Biden's throat during the primaries.
Yeah.
Because when you're in last place, you just go after the guy in the league and you're like, launching rockets.
Super desperate.
And now she's like, oh, yeah, I'm cool with Joe Biden.
Guess she write up all the segregation stuff, I guess.
Because Joe Biden said some very segregation-y things.
Yeah.
Right?
Is that right?
There's in these notes somewhere that I can't find.
So she said she believed Biden's accusers who accused him of sexual assault.
Right.
I believe them.
I respect them being able to tell their story and having the courage to do it.
So she believes the survivors, and now she's working with him and supporting him.
We're just holding up the mirror of hypocrisy, people.
I mean, you know, we just hold up the mirror.
Look in the mirror.
What about all the about faces people are doing?
One of my favorites, Sean King.
Sean King is behind Black Lives Matter, right?
He's not like the guy behind Black Lives Matter.
That's like his movement, right?
Because he's like a black leader, right?
But he's not black.
I thought.
I don't know.
It's confusing.
He doesn't look black.
Maybe he is.
I don't know.
Maybe he's part.
He could be part.
He's somehow gotten away with.
I don't know what he's doing.
They call him Talcum X.
Okay, so here's the first name.
Talcum X. His first tweet on them.
I'll be frank and tell you two Democrats that I am 99% sure I won't be supporting.
So he left some.
He was smart, so he saw it 1%.
Primarily because of their dismal history of criminal justice reform over the course of their entire careers.
Joe Biden and Kamala Harris, they both helped build and advance mass incarceration.
All right, now the new Sean King.
That's pretty brutal.
As of yesterday.
Sure, I'll do that.
That's it for me.
I'm incredibly proud to see a brilliant black woman in HBCU grad chosen as a vice presidential nominee.
I've done political work my whole life.
It's rarely things dreams are made of.
Kamala Harris is the most progressive VP nominee in American history.
Can you read him back to back like that in two different voices?
Wow.
Because he didn't just go like, you know what?
I had my issues with them.
Yeah.
But I support him.
Because I respect them.
I respected that with people who voted for Trump, right?
I respected that people were like, yeah, he's not the greatest guy, but I'll vote for him.
That's not what he says.
Like he started, these are dismal.
I would never support these horrible people.
Throwing people in jail.
These are the things that dreams are made of.
I have dreamed of this my whole life.
The most progressive VP nominee in American history.
Yeah.
The lady who's now with the guy who said segregation.
Yeah.
Is that just post-modernism?
Like, it's my truth, so my truth can just change.
The Democrats are making this election just a referendum on Trump.
It's all take down Trump.
This is how much we hate Trump.
We have to get Trump out of the election.
Well.
But yeah, it's worse than that.
No, because it gets worse every time.
No, no.
When they elected Trump, obviously he wasn't running against an incumbent.
But it was the people who voted for Trump loved Trump.
They voted for Trump because they loved him.
No, not everybody.
I think a lot of evangelicals held their noses.
Yeah, sometimes it's kind of very like with Hillary was kind of this arrogant, like, all right, it's time to move on towards progress.
And here we are.
Because if you get all the knuckle-dragging idiots, obviously there's not enough of them.
America's moving on to the real adult Hillary Clinton.
Okay, children.
Yeah, go catch.
Go by.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Women who don't love yourselves, go away.
Who self-hating females?
Because you don't want to kill your kids.
Yeah.
Pat them on the head.
Pat him on the head.
Go play.
Go snap at the kids' table.
The adults are going to go vote while you guys have your nap time.
You drink your little juice popping.
She's a little pessy.
I don't know where this no.
Where was this going?
Isn't that what it felt like the week of the election for Hillary?
That was like very arrogant.
I'm so sure they're going to win.
That's why I was the kind of, even though I wasn't a big Trump fan, the moment that they didn't get their delicious.
I still sometimes go and look up the.
You guys got to watch it.
I go and look up the Huffington Post poll that they posted the day of the election.
It was like, Hillary Clinton, 98% chance of winning.
Trump, 2%.
That's like Sean King, 99% chance.
He would never vote for him.
They did leave themselves an hour.
Yeah, let themselves a little hour.
Well, Kamala would be a total disaster, I think, in terms of her governance.
She's been very anti-gun rights.
Yeah, just in terms of her prosecution record.
She's tossing people in jail whose kids are truant.
And we also need to talk about David Delayden, if I can pronounce that right.
It's Dahlia though.
Dahlia.
I don't know.
He was the guy who did the undercover videos exposing Planned Parenthood sale of baby parts.
And he had his home rated because of Kamala Harris, who is a friend of Planned Parenthood and ordered his home rated.
Wow.
So he posted on Twitter.
Kamala Harris is the greatest threat to First Amendment civil rights our country has ever seen.
I know because she had my home rated for speaking the truth about her political patrons at Planned Parenthood.
That's frightening.
Yeah, I like this.
Biden said, and they're talking about gun ownership.
Biden says, you can't just take everyone's guns.
You have to follow the Constitution.
You know, the thing.
And then Kamala said, instead of, no, we can't, whatever happened to, yes, we can.
Wow.
Well, if it's not clear by now, if you want to get scathing and cunning and witty political commentary, you don't listen to the Babel On B News show.
But if you want to hear a couple of guys sitting on the porch laughing while the world burns, you can continue to tune in.
So, Kamala, I think.
She really likes abortion too.
And she really was huge abortion.
Huge abortion.
She was up to the moment of birth.
She was begging for abortion when she was in the womb.
So my ultimate analysis is I think it's a bizarre choice politically.
I don't think it adds anything to the Democratic ticket.
I think you needed to get the progressives on board who really wanted Bernie or Warren or one of these farther left people.
And Kamala is not that.
Well, they're just excited no matter who she.
Well, okay, there's another tweet we didn't mention.
There's a guy that said it could be Biden and Hitler and I'd vote for it over Oliver Donald Trump.
And Trump versus Hitler and I'd vote for it.
But isn't that you don't vote for Trump because he's literally Hitler.
So if you.
But he's worse than that.
Like, I would not vote for literally Hitler.
I would rather vote for literally Hitler than literally Hitler.
Agreed.
Right.
I had a different thought too, but I think I lost it.
So I will.
No, no, no.
It's a strange choice.
Oh, yeah, I know.
Yeah.
To me.
So that's it.
Because I think that they know that just even at the base level, there is a self-righteous feeling that they'll have just in voting in a black woman of color.
A woman's true woman of color into the White House as their VP.
They will get to pat themselves on the back for that.
So even no matter how anything else.
And that's why he said.
Well, and they were so transparent with it too.
Because up front, he's like, I will select a woman of color.
I will not select the best person for this job.
I will select a woman of color.
So right up front.
Right up front.
Which is weird.
Can you imagine just being like, I will select an Italian man with a good tan.
His name will start with Q. All right, let's do it.
Let's start vetting.
Let's start vetting, guys.
The boundaries have been set.
Find me an Italian man with a tan that starts with Q. Let's go.
Give me the best.
Quentin Vermicelli.
And they find a really good candidate.
His name's Mario, and it's like, dang it.
Doesn't start with Q. Sorry, Mario.
Sorry, Mario.
All right, you want to go on to hate mail?
Let's do it.
I really miss Adam Ford.
Let's hate it.
Sounded like you were going to say, let's hate it.
Let's hate it.
All right, this is one of my favorite hate mails that we've ever received.
There's a lot of, I almost feel like we should put it on the screen because there's a lot of caps.
We can put it on the screen as long as we blur out emails.
You could blur out all the email addresses and the bad words.
All right.
Why don't you read it?
I'll read our response and then you can read his third part too.
Are they replying to something?
Well, on the bottom.
So go to from the bottom.
The bottom.
He emails us out of the blue and then we reply.
Oh, so you start on August 11th.
Your article.
That one?
Yeah.
Okay.
And then we go up.
Your article on President Putin being behind the curtain in the Oval Office.
Was this tongue-in-cheek?
Or are you out of your flowerbed mind?
We're a satire publication.
So this is one of our.
We reply back.
Yeah.
Our customer service people.
We're a satire publication.
You can read more about us here.
This link.
It's linked to the about page.
Yeah.
Probably.
So am I responding now?
No.
Hacksaw.
You spread propaganda as a lifelong Democratic.
I get my laughs from the Democratic National Committee.
Jokes on you.
I am so confused right now.
Do you think our customer service person who received that was like, oh man, jokes totally on me.
They don't get their jokes from us.
They get them from the Democratic National Committee.
I like how much of our hate mail starts out like normal, like your article in President Putin, was this tongue-in-cheek?
Or are you out of your effing mind?
I'm so confused by that at the end.
You spread propaganda.
I get that.
I've heard that.
I understand that.
As a lifelong Democratic, I assume I will.
I never heard somebody call himself a Democratic.
Democrat.
Is that different from Democrat?
I'm a Democratic.
Like if you're a fundamental, or no, what's the like if you're Islamic versus Islamist, there's a difference there, right?
Yeah, but you wouldn't be a, you wouldn't be an Islamic.
Yeah, exactly.
But I'm trying to get if they're thinking Democrat versus Democratic.
Well, he does put all these dot, dot, dots, like the ellipses, as a lifelong Democratic ellipsis.
Because he's like not finishing his thoughts.
I don't know.
The word would have continued to.
Then the bizarreness thing is like, he gets his laugh from the DNC.
So it's like, what?
That's where I'm really.
I don't know where this guy is.
They have a committee of approved jokes.
The Democratic National Committee approves these jokes that you may laugh at.
It's a joke's on you.
I'm thinking maybe it's a Trump guy who is trying to say you spread propaganda as a lifelong Democrat.
I get my jokes from the.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I'm very confused.
Oh, yeah.
We have to always go back and read it.
Maybe it's somebody trying to be funny.
Your article on President Putin being.
I will say it's hard to write a what was the joke on the oh, because Putin's like hiding as if he's like Trump's buddy in the original article was it was making fun of kind of both ideas that Putin's doing everything Trump and then kind of the Trump-Russia connection But yeah, it was Putin poking his head out from behind the Oval Office curtain Yeah, maybe they are trying to be funny.
I can't tell.
I don't think so.
Jokes on me and you jokes on, maybe the jokes on us, like you said, jokes on us all.
Right everybody, this has been the Babylon BEE SHOW.
That was it.
Yeah, and I'm sorry, this is worse.
Yeah, because we're frazzled right now.
I don't know why.
We'll be in better shape next week.
Uh, we're gonna go into our subscriber portion, answer some mail and we're gonna talk to our subscribers that have sent us emails and video messages and all that fun stuff.
Bye, freeloaders.
Bye.
Bye.
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Until next time, this is Dave D'Andrea, the voice of the Babylon Bee, reminding you to go forth and endearingly refer to strangers as dog-faced pony soldiers.
The mayor of Chicago made headlines this week when she heroically drove her car through a group of pillaging looters, swerving past them to arrest a seven-year-old having a birthday party.
Sorry, I interrupted you because you said through a group.
It's toward a group that I modified it.
Oh, you modified it.
You drive through a group of people.
People are getting hurt.
It says through the group of people, swerving past them.
That was what I said.
How do you get through it?
Well, because I thought it was a mistake, so I edited it, then I realized it wasn't a mistake, and so then I animated it again in reverse.