In this episode of The Babylon Bee podcast, editor-in-chief Kyle Mann and creative director Ethan Nicolle talk about the biggest stories of the week like our cities burning down, the most righteous heroes of the riots, SpaceX scrubbing a launch because of a nosy Karen, and all our politicians suddenly became Bible experts overnight. Be sure to stick around for the main topic where two white guys decide to talk about critical race theory in the church and society, because why not? In the subscriber portion, subscribers get to listen to Kyle and Ethan dive headfirst into the mailbag and talk about even more stories! Pre-order the new Babylon Bee Best-Of Coffee Table Book coming in 2020! Get a Sneak Peak! Send your emails to podcast@babylonbee.com and maybe we will answer you in our next Mailbag segment! Show Outline Introduction We are out of quarantine and into curfew, but at least we have new swag for the office. Stuff That's Good Kyle likes Brave Ollie Possum: the audio book. Ethan likes his own Spotify playlist: Every Song Is Perfect. This News Is Weird 'The bird is free': India 'releases Pakistani pigeon held on spying charges' Knocking on Florida couple's door were two alligators fighting Monkeys attack lab worker, steal COVID-19 blood test samples Turtle crashes through windshield on Georgia highway Scientists say they went 'cuckoo' due to laughing gas from penguin poo Five-year-old pulled over by cops on his way to buy a Lamborghini Stories of the Week Story 1 Powerful: Protesters Spell Out 'Love' With Burning Homes And Businesses Summary: In a powerful display of love and tolerance, peaceful protesters in Minneapolis burned several city blocks so the fire would read "LOVE" from the air. Wow. Such love. Much peace. The real story: Riots have engulfed the country. It seems like overnight COVID-19 disappeared and were replaced with absolute mayhem everywhere. The riots are over the wrongful death of George Floyd, who was killed by a police officer who had his knee on his neck for nine minutes. (We'll discuss more in the main topic.) Top 10 heroes of the riots Somehow Chris Matthews and Chris Hanson both make an appearance Story 2 SpaceX Launch Scrubbed After Local Karen Calls The Cops Summary: SpaceX had tried to launch a rocket but was forced to scrub the launch after a local Karen called the cops, reporting that people were outside doing things and she did not like it. The real story: If ever there were a good time to leave Earth… SpaceX did have a scrubbed launch but then launched for real later in the week. Its module successfully docked with the ISS. Story 3 Trump, Pelosi Face Off In Intense Game Of Bible Jeopardy Topic of the Week Critical Race Theory in the church / racial divides in church culture There have been some strange reactions in the Evangelical world to this whole situation. Some funny/interesting reactions from inside and outside the church: Matt Walsh posted a video of white people kneeling to black people: https://twitter.com/mattwalshblog/status/1267507181689192448? Dean of Union Seminary: "What has alienated America from its very soul, thereby virtually normalizing violence against Black lives? Answer: whiteness itself." (link and soundbyte) NBA Announcer fired for tweeting "All lives matter" (link) CRU (formerly Campus Crusade for Christ) is holding segregated prayer meetings (link) NBA reporter cheers on burning down of low income housing but then calls rioters "animals" when they come around his neighborhood. There is a blueprint for racial reconciliation being adopted by many in the evangelical Christian world that seems to come from something called Critical Theory, or Critical Race Theory. So what is it? Yearning for justice points us to objective reality in Jesus Christ Hate Mail A man is concerned our story on the Constitution dying from coronavirus may cause confusion. Paid-subscriber portion Mailbag! Kyle and Ethan answer some fair criticism about The Babylon Bee's coverage of Joe Biden. Story 1 Oh No! The Scientist Gavin Newsom Has Been Listening To Is Actually A Bunch Of Raccoons Stuffed In A Lab Coat Summary: Gavin Newsom has been listening to scientists throughout the pandemic, but it turns out the main scientist he was listening to is actually a bunch of raccoons in a lab coat. Sad! Are we not listening to SCIENCE! Anymore now that there are progressive crowds out and about? Story 2 Archaeologists Unearth Galilean Coffee Shop Where Jesus Held Small Group Summary: Archaeologists have found one of the coolest Bible landmarks: the coffee shop in Galilee where Jesus and His disciples would hold their weekly small groups. How would Jesus's small group have been? Small groups: yay or nay? What's wrong with a good old-fashioned Bible study? Where's the coolest place for a small group to hang out? Small group horror stories Subscribers, send us small group stories! To watch or listen to the full length podcast, become a paid subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans
In a world of fake news, we bring you up-to-the-minute factual inaccuracy and a heavy dose of moral truth with your hosts, Kyle Mann and Ethan Nicole.
This is the Babylon Bee.
Fake news you can trust.
Welcome, everybody, to the Babylon Bee Podcast.
Hey.
If you like to talk to tomatoes, then you should be watching Veggie Tales.
But if you like satire and two white guys talking at you.
Oh, yeah.
And another podcast.
And another podcast with two white guys.
Especially morbidly.
Then have we got a show for you?
Morbidly average, guys.
A person of normality and a person of morbidity.
Yes.
As we decided in the last average.
Was that what we settled on?
Person of obesity.
Average obesity.
Just normal run-of-the-mill.
Norm obesity.
Yeah, so it's been a crazy week.
I mean, last week, it's just been a lot of glass breaking lately.
Yeah, a lot of window shatters.
A lot of windows shattering.
It's a good time for the glass business.
Yeah, window makers are probably pretty excited.
It's a great way to stimulate the economy.
They're probably like right in the front.
It's not possible.
Like in the front of brands that are letting everybody know, like, hey, we support the rioters getting it all out.
So you just, you know, we might put some glass up.
If you need to break it, we'll be back.
They're posting on social media.
They're selling special new glass that's just black.
They should do like that sugar breakaway Hollywood glass until this is all like over.
And then you just switch back to regular glass.
They should have a deal or like a subscription.
Maybe if this keeps going, glass will be kind of like dollar shave club.
You just pay a subscription fee and they just, whenever somebody breaks your glass, they just come show up.
Yeah.
Well, that's like insurance.
Yeah, I guess that's insurance.
Probably like brick makers are pretty happy right now too.
They're just dropping colours of bricks.
They don't have to do it.
Yeah.
The mason areas.
The masonists.
Yeah.
I don't know.
You call a guy that brick.
Isn't it just Mason?
Isn't Mason the word?
How do you discern a Mason who lays bricks from a Mason who like hangs out in a temple, drinks goat blood at the highest levels?
So I've heard.
So I've heard.
They wear all the cloaks and.
Yeah, the cloaks.
Child sacrifice.
Do you know the name of like the top person in the Masonic Temple is like Mason.
Most supreme excellent master.
Wow.
Like if you look at the levels of ranks, it's great.
It's like some kids created a treehouse club and they just started going, well, that's a supreme excellent master.
That's all I love about the KKK.
They just say greatest name.
Dragon Wizard.
Dragon Lizard.
Fountain of lava.
I don't know.
Whenever you hear him, the grand wizard, you just that.
Oh, man.
What do they do?
What are the wizard moves they do?
It's one of life's external questions.
What do the dragons do?
What is white supremacist wizardry?
To find out.
Could we be controversial and have a white wizard?
A white supremacist wizard on our show?
Just to ask him questions?
Just to ask him things.
Yeah.
I would talk to them.
ask him questions but yeah we would constantly like yeah We would have to have a caption that keeps showing up on the screen.
You don't like this guy.
Yeah.
This guy's garbage, human garbage.
If you're watching on video, you may notice our new paintings behind.
Oh, yeah, there's pictures up.
We decided to hang up some of my Photoshops and put them on canvas prints so it looks like I know how to paint.
I notice none of my Photoshops made the cut.
Yeah.
But I kind of understand that.
I've got Trump.
I did all the ones that took me like a full day, like at least a full day or longer to Photoshop.
I've got Trump at the Last Supper.
Have the Christian Cinematic Universe and then Antiphon, the Proud Boys.
They're like all the extremes of the nation.
All the extremes all fighting.
And then Ethan's got Robbie.
Yeah, Robbie Zacharias, which we ordered these before Robbie passed.
So it's a little tribute.
It's iconic.
We'll have a tribute of Robbie watching over me.
Bear Wrestler, and then he's got the wrestler over here.
I don't know if you can see this one, but the monkeys in the Senate throwing poop everywhere.
So there's poop art behind Ethan.
Yeah, and bears.
And bears.
And Robbie Zacharias.
So on brand on that side of the room.
So yeah, Crazy Week.
We're going to get more into the craziness.
This is a podcast where we cover the news by reading Babylon Bee stories.
And today.
It's really not an in-depth thing.
It's more like we read it.
It's hanging out with the Babylon Bee writers as we talk about the news.
Right?
Yeah.
That's what it is.
So we're going to talk about all the protests.
Right.
All of them.
All of the protests.
Starting back in the 70s up to now.
Talk a little bit about the SpaceX launch.
Yep.
And we're talking about Trump and Pelosi, who are in a Bible off.
They're bobbling off.
They're seeing who can hold up bigger and bigger Bibles.
Yeah.
Looney Tinto.
We need Trump to have just like this huge Bible on a crane or something.
Yeah.
Sporting edit.
He has Elon Musk create a giant Bible that can land behind him anywhere.
And then for our topic of the week, we're going to talk about critical race theory in the church, racial divides, just kind of the pressure to take kind of what's going on right now and how the church is dealing with it.
Yeah.
So, and then we read hate mail, which is always fun.
Always fun.
So that's a little preview of what's coming up.
All right.
Let's get into some stuff that's good.
But now, this week's edition of stuff that's good.
All right.
So this is this stuff that's good is the stuff that's good, Ethan Nicole edition.
I like that.
Because I'm going to have great taste.
I'm going to talk up Ethan's book, Brave Ollie Possum.
Thank you.
Yeah, and I wanted you to let everybody know there's a new audio version that's out that Ethan reads himself.
And he recorded it in his garage with no.
Oh, you didn't?
I tried this one.
I tried to, but I kept getting crickets.
I tried to murder the cricket.
I remember you were like on an entire morning one day.
It was Bears Want to Kill You when you were.
I did Bears Want to Kill You in my garage.
I somehow pulled that off.
I think that it was a cooler season or maybe it was warmer.
Because there's a certain temperature they can make that noise at.
I found out through my research and how I was trying to murder it.
And I bought cricket traps at Home Depot.
I went out as soon as they were open.
I was just like, I wanted to murder this thing so bad.
I never got it.
I couldn't because it was up in this area.
I couldn't.
There's all these cracks.
Anyway, sorry.
My book is really good.
It's, yeah.
Let me say that.
Okay, yeah, you've read it.
But you haven't heard the audiobook.
So I actually paid to go to a studio nearby and record like in a nice cool one.
It was the guy that was like my editor, or he's like editing it.
He had never heard the story, so he kept reacting.
Which made me like more into it.
Oh, nice.
Because whenever I leave a cliffhanger, he's like, oh, man.
Oh.
Real animated.
He does that to all the guys, Ethan.
Yeah, I'm sure.
And Ethan edited all the cracks out of his book.
Yeah, no, no, no.
Zero cracks.
And I did some crazy voices, and I did Glorch, who's like a big, crazy witch.
Yeah.
I got into it.
I really enjoyed it.
Because the book was written to be read out loud as a bedtime story.
So it's like, read a chapter at night.
It's always got a good cliffhanger.
It's got some spookiness.
It's got characters that are fun to read out loud.
I'll eat.
So my stuff that's good is the thing that Ethan just talked about.
His book, Bray Bolly Possum, the new audiobook.
It's on Amazon.
Yep.
It's on Audible.
And there's also the, you can get the hardcover from me from my store if you want, or just order on Amazon.
And there's the digital version.
So my stuff that's good.
It's Kyle's book.
Yeah.
When you make a book, I'll talk about it.
I decided to just, I have my own personal playlist that I put on Spotify called, it's boldly named Every Song is Perfect.
And some people might find that debatable.
But for me, every song on this playlist is one I like to sing along with.
It gets me happy.
I want to sing with it.
So it's very random.
It's a lot of old country songs and some old blues and jazz.
And just it's very, very random.
But I put the link in the show notes.
So you click on it.
You too can experience the playlist.
Every song is perfect.
You too.
You too.
Not you too.
There's no YouTube on there.
Absolutely no YouTube.
Flower beds.
Can I say that?
I can't stand you two.
I think they're pretty good.
Yeah, I don't know.
Something about them.
There's certain bands, Radiohead, U2.
I don't get why they're so popular.
It doesn't make any sense to me.
I can agree with that.
I can agree with overhyped.
Yeah.
But U2 is like how to dismantle atomic bomb, war, Josh Retreat, great almost.
But they're more easy listening than they are.
I trust that most people.
I know my tastes are weird.
Yeah, that's true.
I don't think I'm right.
I think I'm just perfect.
Some reason I don't like it.
You just think your music is perfect.
Every song is perfect to me.
This has been stuff that's good.
This news is weird.
Weird news.
Ah, some weird news.
This is real news.
It actually happened.
We didn't write these.
A lot of animals.
I love animal ones.
So The Bird is Free.
India releases Pakistani Pigeon held on spying charges.
So pigeon.
How do they, what do you see a pigeon?
Because there's pigeons everywhere.
How do you know?
I feel like it's wearing the James Bond tuxedo.
Maybe it's got like sunglasses on.
Yeah, you found it in the little ear, the little earpiece coming down.
Yeah, you found it in the office.
The office was locked.
Like, what the heck is this pigeon doing in here?
And the file cabinet's open.
He's just trying to act normal.
Throws a smoke bomb.
So then they have to get away.
So then they have to tie it up in a back room.
They got this big giant guy, like, looks like some giant Armenian guy covered in like a hairy chest and back who like puts a thing around his wrist, punches the pigeon, and keeps trying to get information out of him.
Well, it's when they call on the cat.
That's what they call a cat.
They play good cat, bad cat.
And they start pawing at him.
I'll never squawk.
Wow.
Yeah, so apparently this bird just had like a little metal thing around its foot that had numbers on it.
And they thought maybe this was a code to give somebody.
Turned out it was just the phone number of the owner of the bird.
And the owner was like, my pigeon, I want my pigeon back.
So when the guy says the bird is free, he's like, all right, it's free.
Like, basically, what he means is they didn't give it back to the owner.
They went onto a roof and like freed it.
So who knows where it is now?
This guy cared enough about the pigeon to put, it's a pet, to put his phone number on its leg.
And they couldn't give it back to him.
They had to just freed it.
Messed up.
Go ahead.
So that was the latest in bird espionage.
Yes, aviary.
Aviary.
Espionage.
Knocking on Florida couples' door were two alligators fighting.
Yeah, there's a video of this.
They're having full-on, full-contact wrestling.
And the way that when alligators fight, their tails go like, like this real rhythmic, like they're mad.
So they kept hearing the knocking.
Yeah, so it was the tail slapping against the door.
You look out there and there's these alligators body slamming each other.
It's still amazing to me that people live in Florida.
Yeah, like right by alligators.
Like there are dinosaurs in your state.
That's strange.
Yeah.
Must be nice.
I've never been there.
Yeah.
I love a good monkey story.
This one has a lot of great things about it.
Monkeys attack lab worker, steal COVID-19 blood test samples.
This is like the opening.
Have you ever seen Dead Alive?
The Peter Jackson's old movie about the undead.
There's like this Sumatran rat monkey on there.
I can't remember if it stole stuff, though.
I had this feeling that it stole chemicals or something.
But I think the Sumatran rat monkeys made everybody turn into zombies.
I would recommend it, only just know that it's extremely over-the-top violent in like really bad practical effects ways.
If you like a good just gore fest, but like silly gore fest, it's amazing.
There's like lawnmowers.
It's mild.
That sounds fantastic.
Yeah.
What was the zombie movie that started with the monkeys?
Was that 30 days later, 28 days later, or whatever?
One of them started with like monkeys in their lab.
I don't know.
What about 13 monkeys?
Or maybe I'm thinking of how many monkeys is that movie with monkeys?
The disease movie.
12 monkeys.
The disease movie with Dustin Hoffman.
Outbreak.
Oh, I never watched that.
I think that started with.
I find movies about diseases boring.
Yeah, you can't see it.
And it's just like, hey, this guy's sick.
Like, who are they going to cast as the disease?
Morgan Freeman.
Well, probably.
As tuberculosis.
He doesn't have to say anything.
Hi, everybody.
Easiest gig ever.
I'm tuberculosis.
I'm tuberculosis.
I do like this idea that we've got like God up in heaven going, release the coronavirus bats.
Yeah.
Release the murder hornets.
Maybe the book of Revelation, it has all those symbols, and we've misinterpreted them all this time.
They're all diseases.
Bats, murder hornets, monkeys.
I don't know what's coming up next.
I have no idea.
Release the honey badgers.
I just want to know why lab workers walking around with a suitcase full of COVID blood samples in an area where there's rascally monkeys getting ready that'll just steal your stuff.
That does sound like a bad plot point in a horrible B movie.
Yeah, like that would.
What?
Like if you're watching this movie, you'd go, why is that guy?
No, he would never do that.
And how they get into it.
Like, are they secured in some way?
Like, I want to know what form they were in.
I didn't read the article.
I mean, are they just peeling open these?
I mean, they could create a new bat monkey disease.
Just mesh it.
Which could be even worse.
Coronavirus comes back.
It's not just bat.
It's bat monkey.
And that's a lot worse.
That's scary.
That's like, that's some Wizard of Oz stuff.
I almost had Flowerbed Ethan on her show here.
Bat monkeys.
That's the Wicked Witch of the West.
Turtle crashes through Windshield on Georgia Highway.
So this one's interesting.
You see the picture.
The turtle is just like wedged in.
It's stuck in the windshield, half in, half out.
And these women were just kind of shocked because they're just sitting in their car and all of a sudden, slam, turtle.
Release the turtles.
And apparently the turtles, I think he did get hurt.
But I don't think so.
The shell helped a lot.
Shells do help with that kind of stuff.
The shell helped.
I mean, yeah, if you look at the way, I mean, basically, if it wasn't, if it didn't have the shell, it'd be just egg salad, green, blood.
Turtle salad.
Yeah, turtle salad.
Turtle soup.
But yeah, so I mean, the picture's up there.
That's the most interesting part.
And how did the turtle get launched?
That is the question.
Well, they like crossed the highways.
Yeah, so maybe somebody hit it and it bounced off a couple cars like a pinball machine.
Yeah.
It was like a ninja turtle move, like jumping from cars.
It must have been like flying like a frisbee right at them and it just went right into the glass.
Stuck there.
Scientists say they went cuckoo due to laughing gas from Penguin Poo.
Did they really say that?
We went cuckoo.
They're giving this press conference.
So the laughing gas came out and we went cuckoo.
Well, apparently.
What's the stuff when you go to the dentist and they give you the gas?
What's it called?
Like the laughing.
Nitrous.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, so apparently penguin poo emits a lot of nitrous.
So they're in the penguin chamber wherever all the penguins are and they're doing science in there.
You clearly know a lot about some pretty serious penguin science and then it just devolves into laughter and they're just rolling around in the penguin poo laughing.
Like that scene in Mary Poppins, but no floating, and they're just in the poop.
The scientists are all in there, and one of them starts to...
It's like Beavis and Butthead.
And then the head scientist is like, oh no, it's happening.
They're going cuckoo.
That's out of here.
We've gone cuckoo.
Taking on the windows.
It's like the weasels from who framed Roger Rabbit again.
Stop that laughing.
I've never seen it because it's in.
What?
Oh, it's fucking one of my top movies.
It's amazing.
It had a raunchy cartoon lady.
It's true.
Bosoms.
Five-year-old pulled over by cops on his way to buy a Lamborghini.
Was this the kid from Nevada or something or Utah going to Nevada?
This was a while ago.
Here, I want to do something where you click on that article.
I want you to tell me that.
Because this is interesting that he, yeah, he got pulled over on his way to buy a Lamborghini, which I assume he was driving a car.
He shouldn't be driving because he's five, right?
Yeah, it was Utah to California.
But did you see the picture of the kid on that article?
Yeah, he don't look five to me.
You see his face?
It's got a.
What is that?
Turtle?
I don't know.
That's what me and Dan are trying to figure out.
And if you look at the comments, everybody is trying to figure out what the heck is on his face.
It's like a weird plaid plate or something, like some kind of strange.
Well, they just colored over it, but in a really weird way.
It's in a really weird way.
Like it looks like a hole into another dimension in his face.
I literally had nightmares about children with holes for faces.
It looks close to that.
And they don't even bring it up.
It's so weird.
It freaks me out.
If you're watching this and you have any explanation for what the heck is on that kid's face and why, help us out.
Do some research.
Like, why not just blur it out?
Yeah, just blur it or put a dot.
If they're trying to hide his identity or something, put the block over the eyes.
But they're like, oh, I don't know.
Let's get fancy with our face.
It looks to me like someone didn't know how to use Photoshop and they tried to do something.
And then they were like, oh, that didn't work.
And then they started smudging over it with something else.
And they just kept doing it.
Oh, it doesn't look good either.
Maybe they, maybe the boss kept going, no, add some plaid to it.
No, no.
Darken it.
No, no, no, no.
Had a swirl effect.
That face.
Right?
It looks like a...
You know what it looks like.
Can I say this?
It looks like a condom.
Doesn't it?
Or like a sea anemone.
But then somebody scratched all over it.
It's so scary.
Looks like a tentacle from an octopus tentacle.
Maybe.
Man, I wonder if he's really a tentacle face kid.
That's the real story.
They buried the lead here.
Yeah, they buried the lead here.
It's like, yeah, he's going to go buy a Lamborghini.
He's got a crazy life.
He's sucker face.
He doesn't look like he's five either.
That's what I was saying.
That's true.
That's a big five-year-old.
It's a pretty big five-year-old.
I hope he doesn't see this.
Dad, you're huge and you got a sucker for a face.
I heard later on a guy that owned a Lamborghini gave him a ride.
Oh.
This is old?
This is old.
Yeah.
Oops.
A month ago.
A month ago.
Tuesday, May 5th.
Oh, yeah, that's like a month ago.
Dang.
Whoopsie.
But you know what?
In quarantine and protest land, time has no meaning.
Nothing has any meaning.
Nobody believes in linear time anymore around it.
It doesn't have, nothing has meaning.
Depends on who's saying it.
We'll talk about that later.
We will.
Okay, let's move on to the stories of the week.
Let's do it.
Every week, there are stories.
These are some of them.
In a powerful display of love and tolerance, peaceful protesters in Minneapolis burned several city blocks so that the fire would read love if you passed over it in the air.
Such love.
Much peace.
Numb us day.
Very gracious.
I don't know.
I can keep it.
So if you have been paying attention, there's been a lot of riots protesting going on.
That is one of the weird things I've noticed that you see these cities are like, they're boarded up for blocks and blocks.
And people will go out onto the boards where everything was violently shattered.
People were attacked and they'll spray paint peace, love, equality on their shop that was completely destroyed by marauders.
It felt like overnight, you know, we went from coronavirus to riots.
Riot overnight.
And it's just gone.
Coronavirus got thrown in the dumpster with Greta Thunberg and all the shaming for crowds getting together is out.
No, it's fine.
And not a word about the transmission of diseases in these massive crowds.
There's massive crowds.
Just absolute mayhem.
So obviously there was an original reason for this, which was pretty legit.
George Floyd, who was killed by a police officer who had his knee in his neck for like nine minutes.
Yeah, really long, ridiculous.
We'll discuss this a little bit more in the main topic, but it seemed like very quickly it moved from a focus on George Floyd and we need to get this police officer charged, which happened.
Yeah, I felt like everybody knew like this is not okay.
It seemed pretty unanimous.
Yeah, I haven't really met anybody who's been like, I haven't met one person.
Seemed like a good police technique.
There's probably someone somewhere.
Yeah, I'm sure there is.
But most people seem to be all for George Floyd and justice for him.
But then the police officer got charged.
The riots continued.
Yeah.
And they got out of here.
And the peaceful protests, which quickly turned into riots and turned into looting.
And it seemed like there was a lot of opportunists that were trying to take advantage of the situation.
I'm sure there's still the vast majority of people out there that are just trying to protect.
I can't help but feel like that's all pent up from the COVID-19.
I feel like there was a powder keg.
You know, Spark got introduced.
Yep.
Not just like, I mean, multiple powder kegs.
Like there's the powder keg of, I have not gotten to go shopping forever.
I always want to go run around in a store and buy stuff and be out in public.
There's also the other powder keg of I hate my neighbor.
They feel like there's just been sizzling anger.
Yeah.
That's been like, people have been like hiding, holding it in throughout the COVID-19.
Everybody's kind of hiding in their houses, but they're all getting madder and madder at the people they're not seeing.
That's one thing about being out and among each other.
I feel like it helps keep that kind of stuff at bay, right?
Yeah, because you argue on Twitter and you hate everybody.
You go talk to your neighbor, even if you disagree.
And it's like, oh, you're an okay guy.
Yeah, and even when you're out in public right now, you can't even see people smiling because they all have masks on.
They're just staring at you.
And you're wondering, are you one of the ones who hates me right now?
Because I'm walking outside and I'm not near anybody, but I don't have a mask on.
It's just people looking.
I mean, I think people deep down have a kind of a sick desire to hate each other anyway, or just to be hateful.
I feel like that we've been giving people a lot of hate bait lately.
Yeah, so you've got all the people, the country getting more and more divided.
You have everybody locked in their homes.
You have tens of millions of people out of work.
And then you just introduce this little match of like, George Floyd got killed in this horrible way on video.
It was sizzling up with Arbery.
You know, I think there was some division on that one on like, you know, a lot of people were debating about the video, but like the Floyd one was kind of, it was just like that one was so stark, so much more stark for most people.
And yeah, it just went bonkers.
And maybe because we were now in phase two, I guess, things are starting to open up.
So just burst.
A lot of people are claiming that, you know, all the riots, like there's all peaceful protesters, all from the left.
Right.
And then you have like, then you have these like bad actors that are all these conspiracy theories.
The Illuminati started it.
The lizard people started it.
You know, like all the riots were starting.
I see Black Lives Matter because I was trying to read Black Lives Matter posts and they keep, I keep seeing them saying that the police start it.
Like they say that the police send undercover people in, or they even say police will make flyers for a Black Lives Matter gathering.
It just seems very conspiratorial to me.
Like, I mean, I don't know if it's true or not, but everybody has conspiracies for the secret people that are causing this.
I'm the first to speak up against militarized police and police brutality and all that.
But it does seem like a lot of these places just let their cities burn for days.
Yeah.
And then they're like, okay, let's bring in the police.
And people are like, oh, you're provoking riots.
I'm like, what did you want them to do?
If police have a legitimate function, it's to protect life and property.
And most people agree on that.
And it seems like that's, and obviously there's police that have been acting badly throughout this.
And just like there always are.
Yeah, the people going around just shrugging it off.
Oh, they're insured.
It's fine.
Oh, goodness.
Run around shattering everything and starting it on fire.
Who cares?
What could go wrong?
I mean, you can only be a person who's never owned a thing in your life to say something like that.
Absolutely.
My 13-year-old daughter, for instance, she's just being fed this stuff.
She's saying this.
They're insured.
And if you argue with her, she goes, educate yourself.
Oh, man.
We're hitting that.
We got to this point where now two wrongs make a right.
Yep.
It's always payback.
It's vengeance, right?
Yeah.
Which is an endless cycle.
We can go on forever about this.
We'll talk a little more during the topic of the week, but we did compile the heroes.
Yeah, some of the biggest heroes of the riots we're going to honor.
Because everyone's got.
I actually didn't have a rest of that sentence prepared.
Everyone's got something.
It's a good thing this isn't a podcast where you have to talk professionally.
Exactly.
So the first one we wanted to honor was Cheesecake Girl.
Cheesecake Girl.
Have you guys seen Cheesecake Girl?
A looter robbed the Cheesecake Factory and carried one full cheesecake out of the.
So in the name, these are the heroes of equality.
Heroes of peace.
Heroes of justice.
Racial justice.
Just to prove that Black Lives Matter, she got a cheesecake.
And really, if you haven't stolen a cheesecake, what's wrong with you?
Yeah.
Like, you are a racist.
Yeah.
Your silence is deafening if you haven't stolen a cheesecake.
But I just love the pristine full cheesecake.
She's good, yeah.
In the middle of all that mayhem.
It's not like grabbing a bunch of boxes and some of them have cheesecake in it.
It's like she knew exactly what she was doing.
She went to the display.
I'm getting the strawberry.
Go for the cash register.
I wonder how long she took to pick.
Oreo.
Maybe she sampled a few with a little spoon.
Look very happy.
Who else we got as a guy?
We got a Lego guy.
I'm pretty sure he's a white guy, if I remember correctly.
Yes, he was a white guy.
So, yeah, so there's all these guys destroying this Target, and you see this kind of nerdy-looking gamer-looking guy in the background.
He's just walking out with a giant Lego set.
Yeah, does someone identify the Lego set?
I can't.
I can't tell.
Maybe Star Wars.
Yeah, it could be.
Maybe.
It looks like it is the someone commented and said it's the Lego Star Wars Millennium Falcon, but I don't think they sell that at Target.
How do you know that?
Because it's one of the high-end ones.
Target only sells like the $100, $150 and below Lego sets.
Oh, yeah, everybody knows that.
You can't get the $600.
I'm saying you can't get the $600 Lego sets at Target.
Maybe I'm wrong.
Well, hey.
If any of our readers can, our listeners can find a Lego set.
He's done more to fight inequality than we have, so we can't talk.
I'm still paying for my Lego sets, so I don't care about racial injustice.
We've got the Nike store.
I got some stuff, lady.
She just comes out of there and she goes, I got some stuff.
Hey, I got some stuff.
That's how you know that she cares.
That's one of the new battle cries of the war to end racism.
I got some stuff.
Yeah, like, what are all the other ones that, you know, all the other slogans?
This is added to those slogans.
Yeah, it's right there.
This is like, I don't know.
I can't think of any of us on this.
I'm afraid to use them when I'm thinking of giant palette of big screen TV guys.
So.
So what do these guys do?
My thing won't open the links.
They get a big palette.
Oh, yeah, they got a variety of big screen TVs on this palette.
And they just load them out.
It's one of those giant carts at Target.
Like if you're wheeling a TV through the store or something.
Somebody claimed that they're empty boxes, but I can't tell.
It'd be a good thing to steal.
The TVs are pretty light nowadays.
Oh, that's true.
Yeah.
I mean, you buy a TV article, you can carry it out.
Yeah.
Not that I have any looting experience.
Only ones that I've paid for.
Okay, so we have, there was a lady that was, this is, sorry, I've got to turn off my sound here.
Oh, yeah, the Egyptology lady.
So here's a lady who is a professor and an Egyptologist.
She lets us know that her pronouns are she, her in her Twitter profile.
And she tweeted out how to pull down an obelisk if you were going to protest and you wanted to pull down an obelisk is not like a creature, right?
Right.
That's the similar.
Now you're messing me up.
What is the creature one?
Maybe it is obese.
Yeah, it's obelisk, right?
But it's just the user for two different things.
Sorry.
Now I messed up.
Yeah, that's like a human face and lion and weird things.
That is an obelisk.
Lizard.
The snake and like Harry Potter, the big snake?
It's an obelisk.
Okay.
Sorry.
So same thing.
So if you were going to pull one down, though, she just said, I'm not saying to pull down the Washington Monument or anything, but if you were going to do something like that, here's how you would do it.
And she explained the best way, physically speaking, to pull down.
She did a drawing and it looks like kind of this very phallic drawing and it says racist monument on it.
She labeled it.
And she goes, but of course, this is all entirely hypothetical.
Please do not pull down Washington Monument.
And then she got all like, why is everybody upset?
Wow.
After everybody took it that way.
Yeah, because, I mean, it's not like it would really happen at a time where literally everything's being destroyed by people in giant groups.
We salute you, Egyptology lady.
Egyptology.
The other was Dumpster Crushes Friend Guys.
So I guess they were out doing something with dumpsters.
They were trying to shove a gate down by rolling a dumpster towards it, and they smacked their friend.
Oh my gosh, he got nailed.
I like how the guy's walking around like he's all tough.
Like, yeah, we just pushed a dumpster, bro.
And then he sees his buddy.
I have a tough time feeling bad for these guys.
I don't.
Right?
Yeah.
At all?
No, don't feel bad.
There's a great one.
I don't think it's on this list, but I saw one where these guys come up in their car and he gets out like some kind of explosive and puts it on the street and then goes to get back in his car and some other protester because there's some great videos of awesome protesters.
We need more of these.
He runs up and grabs the explosive thing the guy made and shoves it in his car and the door gets shut.
That's fantastic.
And then Wiley Coyote style.
Don't feel bad at all.
It's total karma.
Another hero of the protests is MSNBC's Ollie Velshi standing in front of a burning building saying, this is mostly a peaceful protest.
Mostly a peaceful protest.
And there's just a fire behind him.
Peaceful thing burning.
Everyone disperse.
There's nothing to see.
It's like we couldn't have made that up if we tried to write a headline like that.
Too on the obvious.
It's too obvious.
Yeah, it's like the this is fine dog, right?
Yeah, it's like the this is fine dog holding the tee.
Or it was that police squad or whatever that movie was where what's his name?
Please disperse.
So nothing to see here.
Nothing to see here.
Brian Stelter.
I guess he said this lady was lying about her church being on fire.
Yeah, I think, was it St. John's?
And it turned out it actually was.
He deleted his tweets because he felt I fell victim to the worst foolish impulses of this website.
I was really wondering people call Twitter website.
I guess it is, but it's more like an app to me.
I don't know.
It's a social.
It's a social network.
It's a platform.
Platform.
Yeah.
Anyway, so yeah, Brian Stelter.
Salute you.
Salute you, Brian Stelter.
Because he, you know, with all the best intentions, completely accused a woman of lying who was in a burning church.
Yeah, the best part was he's like, it's not burning.
And she's like, I'm watching it on Fox right now.
Oh, Fox shows it burning and then show it burning.
And then later on, he's like, you should have taken this one.
You actually knew about it.
He was just deleting it.
Yeah.
Delete, delete, delete.
We also want to salute the rioter who tried to charge through a solid panel of glass and failed.
Now, is this the guy who charged into the glass and then, oh no, this isn't the one because there's one that there's another one where they tried and failed and then right next to him, someone just walked through the door.
Oh no, yeah, this guy just walked through the door right next to him.
Well, they're walking through one that's already broken.
So he's trying to be.
And he's trying to just bash through.
He's like, I got this one.
Glass is a lot harder to break than you would think.
Than people think, yeah.
I blame Hollywood.
If you have a sliding glass door of your house, you have to have seen at least once when somebody tried to walk through it or you did it.
Oh, yeah.
I have a friend who walked through it hard one day.
The glass?
It didn't break, but he left this grease print of his face.
And it was there forever.
It looked like a smoosh perfect, like, it showed how greasy his face was.
And it showed that he hit it so hard that his entire face flattened against it enough to be able to see like most of his skull.
It was crazy.
But it was so funny to me.
I didn't want to watch it.
Lady who can't break the window.
Maybe this is what I was thinking of.
She has a hockey stick, and there's a guy behind her just casually opens the door and walks in.
There she goes.
He's trying, bang, bang.
She's trying, come on, come on.
But I guess she's not trying to get in.
She's just trying to break it.
She's trying hard.
Just keeps going and going.
She's well, you gotta, you can't give up because if you give up, you're giving up on the fight for equality.
So, good for her.
Uh, oh, some guys.
Oh, I guess you got the next one: the guy trying to load the ATM onto the bus.
Inspiring onto a local bus.
So, this isn't just like this is a local like public transport.
He's trying to load a stolen ATM.
Hey, Mr. Bus Driver, can you hold that door?
Just be a second here.
Were they breathing penguin poo?
Like, it's just some people are going crazy.
They're going cuckoo.
What are you thinking?
We're all going cuckoo.
They're going cuckoo bananas.
The bus bus driver closes the door on me.
The bus driver doesn't care about it.
He wants no part of this ATM.
He doesn't care about race.
He's like, What?
He's like, This doesn't pay my bus fare.
I get a whole ATM here.
He acts like the bus driver is the one who's being irrational.
If the bus driver cared about racial injustice, he would have lowered the handicap.
He did it at all.
He would have lowered the handicap platform for the guy to get it.
Exactly.
Oh, there's a lady who stole a police horse and she just goes riding by.
So she freed this horse from police oppression.
She's just riding off like Braveheart.
Did he ever have horses?
Braveheart?
Didn't Braveheart ever have a horse?
Yeah, he's on a horse in like the famous battle where he's giving the speech.
He's riding in front of them.
Yeah, see?
She's like, Braveheart.
And finally, this is one of my favorites.
The thumbs up guys.
So these two guys are giving thumbs up through the window.
They see all the riders walking around.
They want to show how much they care.
We support you guys.
We're not going to go out there without them.
Give them thumbs.
Like, yeah.
And all of a sudden, the window right next to them.
And their windows are shattered by the brick.
And they're yelling at her.
We're on your side.
We're on your side.
I just love the idea they think that that would work.
So we want to salute the heroes of the riots.
Now, Ethan had a good idea for a Netflix show that maybe could come about because of all these.
Yeah, depending on if we ever get mad about it.
Because right now, everybody really loves it.
Like, everybody's super supportive.
Like, oh, this is great.
These guys are destroying my shop.
Racism is ending because my shop is being destroyed.
But maybe at some point, some of us are going to be like, man, stealing is kind of illegal.
And just taking people's stuff is kind of like mean.
Kind of.
And we have to have some kind of law and order at some point, right?
So we could have a show where we go because there's tons of videos of everything.
There's like multiple angles of every video, right?
Because everyone's got their cell phones out.
If you see somebody getting beat up, there's like a zombie army of people walking up to them with video cameras going on their phones.
So you could have a show at Netflix, like a forensic true crime show, and they'll analyze videos and be like, all right, cheesecake lady.
That's fine.
And analyze her clothing.
We're going to figure out where she came from, who are her friends.
We're going to find her.
Find her and make her pay for the cheesecake.
Justice, Chris Matthews style.
She's like, she shows up at home, and there's Chris Matthews, like, so you like cheesecake, do you?
And there's just cheesecakes stacked along the walls of her house.
All these cheesecakes she's stole.
Dan was saying that maybe they could trap her.
Like put a cheesecake out on the doorstep.
Put it on the doorstep.
And they're all waiting in the bush.
Trail of cheesecakes into prison.
She just keeps going.
And then she's like, click.
She hears the cage closed behind her.
Oh, no.
Don't foil again.
In the middle of eating a bite.
It gets me every time.
But then she'd like embrace, well, I don't have to do it.
I don't have to do anything.
I'm going to eat this cheesecake in this cell and be good.
She's got cheesecake.
So there's so many.
There's got to be so many.
You could do like seas, many seasons.
600 seasons, right?
Looter hunters.
Look for it on Netflix.
Yeah.
Next year.
And if anybody wants to buy the rights to that idea, that's my idea.
Trademark.
Copyright.
Looter Hunters with Chris Matthews.
Wait, it's not Chris Matthews.
Is it?
Who's the guy?
I'm thinking of.
Who's the guy that got the thrill up his leg?
And I got the thrill up my leg.
Oh, Chris Matthews is the NBC guy.
It's.
Yeah, who's the predator guy to catch predator?
Chris Hansen.
Hansen.
Hansen.
Yeah, you messed me up.
Yeah.
The obelisk.
All right, story two.
SpaceX, spelled space with an X, had tried to launch a rocket but was forced to scrub the launch after a local Karen called the cops, reporting that people were outside doing things, and she did not like it.
I think of all the words that are in the English language in all brands, SpaceX is the one that least needs.
But if you don't enunciate it well, it sounds like you're saying SpaceX.
SpaceX.
You know, it sounds to me like some kind of spandex brand, like some kind of stretchy pants.
I've got my SpaceXs on.
It just sounds a little dirty sometimes.
You know, I just want to say I'm a little worn out.
I feel bad for Karens if your name is Karen.
Yeah.
It can't all be bad.
We know Karen Swallow Prior.
We should have her on to talk about this social issue.
Yeah.
The Karen debate.
But I do have to say I fully support that hairdo being ostracized fully to its full extent.
It's done.
It's time has passed.
It's time to be shamed if you're walking around with that weird, like, it looks like some kind of weird blonde hen, headless blonde hen is on your head.
I don't know what it is.
Yeah.
It's time.
So Karen had called the police on the SpaceX launch and she said, there are a bunch of people out there doing something.
And I don't know if they have permits or not.
Some were definitely not wearing masks.
They all climbed into a capsule.
As soon as the police arrived, a number of the technicians fled, necessitating the scrubbing of the launch.
Cheese it.
It's the popo.
Astronaut Bob Benkin yelled as he and astronaut Doug Hurley ran from the Dragon spacecraft.
I didn't realize that the astronauts had such clean mouths.
Like, cheese it, it's the popo.
Cheese it, it's the popo.
Cheese it.
Cheese and rice, Milba.
Well, I think cheese it.
It's to it's like to run away.
It's like I cheese it.
Like cheese, like a verb?
Like step on it or like he's telling him to cheese.
To cheese it.
It and it is escaping.
Yeah.
Beat it.
It's kind of like beating it.
Beat it.
It's like beat it.
Beat it.
It's gray.
Cheese it.
Cheese it.
I've never heard that.
That's astronauts.
They have their own dial.
They have their own like.
I wonder if it's space cheese.
It's space slang.
Yeah.
Well, Frank wrote that line, so you can ask him.
Okay.
Cheese it.
It's the popo.
The popos.
Yeah, I used to have a, when we were in a band, we had this other band that we toured with that was on, like, they were like from the, from like the real urban, you know?
So this guy with like super long dreadlocks, guy named Velardo.
He was like, he'd always teach me like slang stuff from the streets.
So like the block is hot.
That's how you know the cops are coming.
Block is hot.
So they could have used that.
The block is hot.
The block is hot.
Cheese it.
The block is hot.
Yeah, the cops are coming.
The block is hot.
They run.
I wonder if you were in an urban area and you called out, cheese it.
It's the popo.
If anyone would know.
You have to really say it with confidence.
Like, I'm confident that Frank spent a lot of time researching.
I'm sure.
And he knows that this is a real thing that people say even today.
Well, maybe in urban astronaut communities.
Yeah.
Right.
Those neighborhoods where all the astronauts live in.
Lower rung neighborhoods.
The low-income astronaut neighborhoods.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We wouldn't know.
Those areas have a lot of space.
That's true.
Is there anything else interesting about this?
I mean, it was historical, right?
I mean, apparently.
I had tough time because I don't know all the details.
So I'm just like, it is historical, but we did this in like the 60s, I think.
Yeah.
So couldn't we go past the moon this time or something?
I was hoping they were going to go to Mars or something, and they're like, oh, they're going to the space station.
Yeah, we didn't go to the space station in the 60s.
Okay.
Wait, is the space station past the moon?
It's closer, but it's actually, it's probably.
Why are we excited?
Well, it's pretty technically difficult to dock a craft onto another craft in space, which happens.
Although I guess that happens with, that happened with Apollo also, and they would turn their ship around and redock with itself and all this stuff.
So what's the new, what has happened here that hasn't happened before?
That's what I'm trying to figure out.
Well, I guess because we've been sending astronauts up on other countries' craft.
Okay.
So now we have an American-built craft that is launching America.
It's the first private, right?
And it's a problem.
Well, it's always technically.
It's always private.
They're ganging up.
It's always private?
Yeah, because NASA doesn't do anything.
They contract out with other companies to actually build it.
Oh, I see.
Because that's who your dad worked for, right?
Yeah.
So Rockwell was, you know, they ran, they built the rockets and all that for.
Gotcha.
Okay.
So that's not the same thing.
He did a lot of engineering for it.
And now it got bought by Boeing.
So now he works with Boeing, who did all the rockets and stuff.
For the shuttle.
So it's a good step.
At some point, we're going to go to Mars, right?
And then Total Recall.
And then Total Recall.
We'll have the big orb city on Mars.
And if you accidentally go outside, your head will explode.
And John Carter and Doom and all the good Mars fiction.
Like Escape from Mars.
I don't know.
I think that's a movie.
With iced T?
Mars Needs Moms.
The Martian.
The Martian.
Story number three.
Trump and Pelosi to settle feud once and for all in game of Bible trivia.
So Trump and Pelosi are having this Bible fight.
I call it a Bible fight.
So Trump goes in front of St. John's in like the most staged photo op ever and holds up a Bible.
And he holds it in a way that you know he's never held a Bible before.
What drives me crazy is I know that people on like the left think we're totally falling for this over here.
Yeah.
Christians, evangelicals all over the country.
We're just clapping and like, thank you, Trump.
Thank you for holding the Bible.
Yeah.
This guy gets us, man.
He gets us.
Like we're that dumb.
And there are people that I think it's, I'm sure there are people that think he's really sincere.
And I don't think that it's not going to make me go like, you know, oh, yeah, I should vote Democrat now because Trump held up a Bible into, you know, in a very pandering way.
Yeah, it's like.
Like, I'm not going to change sides because most of the time when Trump does something dumb, I laugh or I roll my eyes.
I'm like, ah, there's Trump.
There he goes.
But they always want it to be like, this should cause the end.
We've proven it.
It's like, we're not going to all just suddenly change our opinions on every single thing because of the thing.
I'm trying to think of what other ways you could pander to different groups.
Like that exact same thing of just walking in front of somewhere and just equivalent for like he's like he's holding like for Star Wars fans.
He goes and he gets the Star Wars DVD and he stands in front of Skywalker Ranch or something and he's like original trilogy.
That's it.
How would you do it for Mormon?
Yeah, so you get the Book of Mormon.
He goes to Salt Lake City in front of the temple and just pretty simple.
I was trying to think of a more obscure or something like the golden plates or bike a name tag.
He actually wears the name tag.
Well, this would be Trump.
So Trump trying to interject.
So he bikes over with the little name tag.
Yeah.
Holds up the Book of Mormon.
He'd have to have the Book of The Pearl of Great Price.
It's the Quad.
The Quad, right?
Doctrine of Covenants.
Doctor of Covenants.
The Bible.
Book of Mormon.
And then also An Astronomer's Guide to Kolob.
I don't know if they have that.
Yeah.
You know, I always get that mixed up because in Battle Circle Actica, the guy who wrote it was a Mormon.
And the planet there is called Kobul.
Cobalt.
And he just took it from the Mormon teaching that he flipped the letters.
So I'm always like, oh, yeah, Mormons believe in Cobalt.
I'm like, wait, wait, hang on.
I guess it's just too close.
I had a crush on an ex-Mormon girl one time.
So I'd make all these Mormon jokes.
And so I sang her if you wish upon Kolob.
Like I did like a spoof of When You Wish Upon a Star.
There's all these Mormon fantasies.
I remember it, but it's funny.
Didn't land me the girl.
They do have a hymn called like When We Hide.
Yeah.
I think we talked about this on it before when we all hide a Kolob or something.
Yeah, when we hide a Kolob.
I don't want to.
Is it like that?
I don't want to get the Mormon if you could hide to Kolob.
Hide a Kolob.
Hi.
Return high into a verb.
So like, yeah, because one time I was looking up Come Now Fountain songs on YouTube and it came up, Come now fountain slash, if you could hide.
To Kolob Mormon girls like saying, come thou fountain, and then they would break into if you could hide.
Oh really yeah, it was like how.
It's like how they tag, it's how Chris Tomlin just shoves the hymn and then the new chorus that did a Chris Tomlin Mormon version.
Wow yeah, the Latter-day Tomlin, Latter-day Tomlin.
All right, we're gonna move on to our topic of the week and now the Babylon Bees comic of the week.
Okay, how do we even start with this?
Kyle, all right Christians, I'm scared to even talk about this.
So, Christians and other people that I think we've tried before, Christians and other people that, like you know, just listen to us because you're cool with us.
We're in a crazy time and you're looking out there and you're going, my city's burning down and I don't know how to respond to this.
Well, guess what?
Neither do we.
This is not the podcast to listen to, to get all your echo.
Talk to your pastor.
Talk to your pastor.
This has been the topic of the week, not really, but we just kind of wanted to explore and discuss a little bit.
Yeah, just how crazy we're gonna.
Yeah, we're not like trying to like tell you what to think here, but I do think that there's a lot of emotions going through people's heads and thoughts and a lot of people are saying a lot of stuff.
Right, we're gonna look at some of the stuff people have been saying.
Matt Walsh posted a video of um white people kneeling before black people.
That was a little kind of a little weird.
I understood the sincerity of it.
We apologize for our whiteness, that kind of thing right right uh they're, you know and I understand, praying for the situation, and they even said, like later on, that everybody, everybody was Kneeling, the black people are kneeling too.
So maybe there's something more there.
There's something there's something more there, but also, but it is weird.
It feels like the I mean, all this critical race theory stuff, it feels like more racism to end racism.
That's what I don't get.
That's why I have such a hard time with all of it.
If the end goal is to reach a point where race is just not a big thing.
I don't think that is.
I don't think that is their goal a lot of times.
And that's what I have a tough time with.
It's like we're on this endless cycle of, I mean, this has been going on my entire life.
These stuff, you know, kind of bubbles to the surface.
Everybody gets mad.
There's riots.
Everybody gets mad and hates each other.
Everybody says we're in this role racist country.
And then goes back, comes down, then comes back around.
I mean, there's Rodney King back when I was about 12, even before I was born, I think in like the 60s and stuff.
And it just keeps coming back around, back around.
Yes, there were racist issues before you were born.
It's true.
I'm just saying my whole life.
No, I know it's not.
It acts like it's brand new.
Like I said, my 13-year-old daughter right now is like, she's acting like she just discovered it.
And we don't know.
She's constantly telling my wife, you need to educate yourself.
I'm like, oh, gosh.
Yeah, I don't know.
It's weird.
Why is it happening?
Why is this happening?
I feel growing up, like with friends and everything and church, we didn't even think about that kind of thing, you know?
And as kids, you don't really think about it.
And I know people just call that as like, oh, it's white privilege or whatever.
But it seems like now it's something that's touching all areas of life.
And if you don't talk about it, you're racist.
Right.
And then, and it's also becoming, if you don't, it's becoming very like a religion where you have to say certain, you have to make certain creeds and certain, you have to recite certain canonical scriptures in order to be okay, like in order to be, prove yourself.
And so that's one of the weird things about all the statements people were making.
There's, you know, all this weird stuff about bowing before, you know, bowing before black people and stuff.
It's just, it's just weird.
I would never want black people to bow before white people.
Is that a weird thought?
Dean of Union Seminary tweeted or said, what has alienated America from its very soul, thereby virtually normalizing violence against black lives?
Answer, whiteness itself.
It really is like this.
What does religion mean?
It's this religion where there are words like we hear whiteness saying white people are bad.
And they're like, no, no, no, no.
Whiteness is a whole category.
It's a whole category of like unapproved thinking and like these instilled values of racism that we all have without knowing it.
And see, because we hear that and we just go, so you're saying that you're judging people based on their skin color.
Like you're saying that I have a problem because I am white.
But they mean something else with whiteness.
They mean something that has some sort of weird, like Gnostic meaning that we can't really.
It's a religious, right?
It's a religious thing.
It's a religious thing.
It really is.
It's sin.
It's original sin.
Every religion has original sin, right?
Right.
Correct.
There's an NDA announcer suspended for tweeting All Lives Matter.
And that's the weird thing, too.
I mean, that's the frustrating thing about all this is like you can't, none of this can be debated on the grounds of objectivity or evidence or any of that stuff.
It's that's actually to even say that is problematic.
And then there's, you know, the twisting of language, which I actually, I disagree with a lot of people who come back with all lives matter.
I think they're wrong to do that.
It's you're not saying Black Lives Matter doesn't negate.
Like take any, take any noun and then say something about that noun.
It doesn't negate all the other.
You know, say cupcakes are sweet.
It doesn't mean that no other food is sweet.
Sure.
And so, you know, but also be weird to start like a giant movement thing because that implies that I guess people get defensive because they there's an accusation that, you know, a large amount of people don't think that black lives matter.
And we feel like we're being cornered and we have to accept a certain, we have to abandon objectivity, evidence, what we perceive to be any kind of solutions.
It's just this person's voice has authority to say whatever it wants because they are in this position of whatever their skin color is or whatever.
And that's where truth comes from now.
So it's not a common truth that we all can go for together.
And to me, that just is an endless, it's an endless cycle.
It's going to never end.
It's going to be, there's always going to be a victim of the time fighting.
Yeah, and it's weird because I feel like I can't tweet, you know, the black square everybody's doing or the hashtag Black Lives Matter because I know that that has associations with you have to accept our set of solutions.
Right.
You know, and it's like, well, I can believe that Black Lives Matter and I can oppose police brutality without saying therefore communism, you know, or whatever, therefore critical race theory, therefore Marxism are all this.
Right.
So it's weird that you have, you know, their solution is integrated with what they believe the problem to be.
So I feel like it's kind of weird.
And the whole conversation about equality in a world, I mean, if we culturally believe in evolution, there's nothing in evolution that says anything about equality.
It doesn't make any sense that we'd have any kind of equality because everybody would be evolved from, I mean, you can't imagine that we all evolve from the one single thing.
We're just all exactly equal.
Like it's the very, I mean, if you look at the original title of The Origin of the Species by Charles Darwin, it's a longer title.
I can't remember all the words, but it was basically explaining why white people are superior to black people.
It was purely racist.
And the idea that we can, so we can't point outside ourselves for equality.
We can't go, we are equal because of this if we throw God out of the picture, if we're not created, that if we are a truly secular species that is evolved, there can't be a source other than we have to have people and authority in power who are deciding what equality means, which itself is unequal because they are the equalizers, right?
Yeah, I mean, as Joe Biden eloquently said, all men are created equal by...
You know the guy.
The thing?
The thing.
And he's absolutely right.
But I guess that's what I'm coming to is without pointing outside ourselves, having something we can all look to, a truth we can all point to, it's going to be an endless cycle of power.
I feel like we're living in two different countries when I look at these protests.
And I just see people decrying police brutality across the board.
Nobody's for that.
But you have one side that's just like, this is a huge problem.
And you have one side that's like, I think things are okay and pretty good.
And yeah, there's an there are some issues.
I mean, it's almost like proof that what better could have been done?
And I mean, besides, it's horrible that obviously the George, George Floyd, right, died in that situation.
But with that being the facts of the situation, the reaction seemed incredibly swift and unanimous.
And yet it's the worst riots and the worst is the worst I ever remember it being.
I don't remember the timeline.
That's the reason I blame COVID pearly.
Because usually this kind of stories happen.
That's what's so frustrating, as it happens, and it's like, oh, well, the police officer's been promoted.
Yeah.
You know, in order to solve the problem of him killing black people, we took him off the streets and we put him at a desk job where he makes more money.
You know, that kind of stuff.
And you're like, this isn't, this is insane.
Yeah.
So I don't know how swift the response was.
It may have been that they didn't charge him quickly enough.
And I still have seen stuff from the Minneapolis city and the police where they're saying, well, George Floyd, we're calling the death not asphyxiation.
We're calling the death, well, he had previous medical problems.
And when you combine that with the force, yeah, it was a problem.
Like, well, most people would have problems if you shoved your knee into their neck for nine minutes.
Yeah.
So there are still things there that are an issue and it needs to be addressed there.
I don't know.
It definitely feels to me like you've got a lot of opportunists that were ready for this kind of thing to jump out and start some crazy kind of revolution.
And they're jumping on it, you know.
Yeah, because I look at the riots and the looting and I'm like, this is nothing to do with George Floyd.
And I see other people tweeting about it.
Well, even George Floyd's family said they're using my brother's death to be stupid.
So it's like we're in two realities because I see that and I'm like, this is crazy.
This has nothing to do with George Floyd anymore.
And you see other people saying, look, these people are just angry.
They're angry about the presidency and the director of the country, right?
They're taking all that out.
And other people are saying, well, what are they supposed to do?
They have to get your attention somehow.
So they're going to burn down your home and take all your stuff.
Yeah.
I don't know.
It just seems like two different worlds in a lot of ways.
What else we got here?
We got the Campus Crusade for Christ is holding segregated prayer meetings.
Like a safe space for people of color in one meeting and white people in another meeting.
I think that's like what I want because I know that we live in two different worlds.
So if anybody, and I assume, probably not listening to this or watching this, if you're on the left, but if you are trying to understand us, I feel like the big misperception is that if I don't go along with what, you know, Democrats or the left say we need to do to solve the problem of racism, then that's proof that I'm racist.
And my position is that I don't think that the goals of that side are good.
I don't agree that the path is to these, like to further anger, to further segregate, to further enrage and create more.
I mean, I feel like the greatest freedom of being white is that you don't hardly think about it.
And I want that freedom for black people.
And I feel like it's getting worse.
Like it's just instead, we're trying to go in this other direction where we have to sit around and feel horrible for being white all the time and create a white identity.
And I'd rather just get rid of those.
Skin color is not an identity.
It needs to stop being one.
So to me, that's the goal I'm trying to head towards.
And it's a different goal.
Yeah.
And so I see a lot of friends and stuff tweeting with the Black Lives Matter hashtag and all that.
And it's concerning to me.
Black Lives Matter on their actual website with their what we believe.
It's like, it's all this like Marxist terminology.
Yeah.
You know, and it's like, I can believe Black Lives Matter.
And I mean, I'm more against police brutality than most people.
Yeah.
You're like, I don't know.
Most of the activities are.
Yeah, people are being real.
Kyle's very anti-cop.
Just not all the way, but he's up there until some psycho starts.
Oh, man.
That's picking on his wife.
I am not anti-cop, Ethan.
He's anti-authority.
You're an anarchist.
I feel like currently, most of the activities of police officers tend to just be unconstitutional.
Like driving around, just giving people tickets for like what are we doing?
A lot of times they're enforcing unconstitutional laws.
A lot of times they escalate problems when they go into areas.
And all those are legitimate complaints.
You know, when you have like a domestic dispute, you call the cops, they come, all of a sudden you have a gun into the situation.
Yeah, and that's where you end up with a lot of shootings.
So here's from the Black Lives Matter website: We are guided by the fact that all black lives matter, regardless of actual or perceived sexual identity, gender identity, gender expression, economic status, ability, disability, religious beliefs or disbeliefs, immigration status or location.
We make space for transgender brothers and sisters to participate and lead.
We build a space that affirms black women and is free from sexism, misogyny, and environments in which men are centered.
We engage comrades with the intent to learn about and connect with their context.
Peculiar word.
We disrupt the Western prescribed nuclear family structure requirement by supporting each other as extended families and villages that collectively care for one another, especially our children, to the degree that mothers, parents, and children are comfortable.
We foster a queer affirming network.
When we gather, we do so with the intention of freeing ourselves from the tight grip of heteronormative thinking, the belief that all in the world are heterosexual.
So there's like a lot of like quite beyond black hand in hand with identity politics.
Now, I know that the hashtag Black Lives Matter doesn't always, people aren't always referring to the organization, you know.
But I think that's kind of the people that started it and all that.
So that's what's concerning to me: I can agree there's a problem without agreeing with you on the solution.
Right.
And they don't see that.
Yeah.
Well, if you're not with us, you're against us kind of a kind of a rhetoric.
Yeah, it's almost like, well, because I'm black and I've been oppressed, I get to pick the solution.
But it's like, in the end, the solution, if the solution is getting to a point where this is all so far behind us, it's like talking about the Mongol wars or some things that's so far in the past that we don't even, it doesn't affect us.
If the goal is to get past it that far, then it really is both of our solution, right?
It's like we have to come to a solution that works for everybody, not because you're skin color.
You get to decide, you know, it's my turn.
I just, that's not the way to solve a thing.
Like, you don't go, you know, kids get in a fight, and this one hits one.
You go, all right, it's his turn to hit you now.
We have tried that before.
I have told my kids when the little one hits the big one, I'm like, smack him back.
He needs to find out not to hit the bigger one.
It's dumb.
So this is kind of a delightful moment here.
We have a not the bee.
There's an NBA reporter.
He was so in one tweet.
He's cheering the rioters who are torching what turns out to be low-income housing.
So there's a picture of low-income housing just blazing.
And he says, burn that down.
Burn it all down.
Can you imagine like cackling like a mad scientist?
Then the next tweet, how far after was this tweet?
It was maybe a day later or something, or just a few hours later.
Who knows?
So I'm going to have to beep some, I'm going to have to beep some more swearing, but they just attacked our community down the street.
It's a gated community and they tried to climb the gates.
They had to beat them back, then destroyed a Starbucks.
Are now in front of my building.
Get these animals, TF, out of my neighborhood.
Go back to where you live.
So now they're animals.
It's so bizarre.
Like, I guess if they're over there in the city and they're burning things down, it's awesome and everybody can cheer.
But once they're in your community, then you call them animals.
Scary.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess it's scary how disconnected people are from it.
I mean, burn it all down.
Wait, you're at my house.
Yeah, what do you mean?
Like, who's that's the biggest disconnect?
I can't find that anywhere in myself to cheer for burning.
Yeah, well, people have such a poor understanding of like economics and interconnectedness that burning things down is very bad for a community.
Right.
Like it does not create.
We just came out of three months or more.
How long has it been of shutdown?
Time has no meaning.
It's been a very long time.
Like we're already going like business because businesses cannot survive this.
You shut them down for this long.
You can't just send them checks.
It doesn't work that way.
The economy is, you know, it's fickle, especially there's different businesses.
You can't just have a one-size-fits-all solution.
It's going to have an effect.
I can't imagine being one of these businesses that had been hit with this.
They've been through months of shutdown.
And just when it seems like things are going to open up, a bunch of punks come in and just destroy your store, shatter the windows, start on fire, steal everything.
I mean, you see these broken, crying people who own these stores.
I don't know if I've seen any white ones.
I mean, a lot of black store owners, Asians, getting destroyed.
It's just, I find it heartbreaking.
Drives me crazy.
Well, I want to start a superhero force that goes out vigilante, protect stores.
But there have been vigilante people protecting stores, and those guys are awesome.
It's like the old roof Koreans from the LA Russia.
Yeah, the old Roof Koreans.
Not the North Koreans, the Roof Koreans.
That would be the roof.
Both are up, but one's North.
Well, if only God would have sent us somebody who could bridge the racial divide.
Yeah, somebody who understood.
If there was only somebody who could knock down that wall of hostility.
Only the old man upstairs were listening.
This is where the organ starts to play.
If only there were someone.
If only.
Who understood suffering?
Who understood?
Yeah, that's what's amazing to me as the church when you see people in the church start to embrace things like critical race theory and Marxism.
And it's like, we have a solution.
We have the gospel.
Yeah.
God already broke down that wall of hostility between Jews and Gentiles and any other races that hated each other.
He has made peace with God through the blood of Jesus' cross.
Galatians 3.28, there's neither Jew nor Greek.
There's neither slave nor free man.
There's neither male nor female, for we are all one in Christ Jesus.
And those were very revolutionary ideas back then.
If you think black people and white people are having problems in America, like Jews and Gentiles, I mean.
Yeah, and then there's these ideas.
Jews still have problems.
I've been reading about the Old Testament laws and how those were actually very revolutionary in their time.
Like accepting the foreigner and all that.
Yeah, and treatment of slaves was like, I mean, slaves were a different thing back then.
I mean, as far as we understand, I'm sure there was also slaves at war, but like the basic normal idea of slave, when you imagine you don't have stores, you don't have like cities as much.
Servitude of some kind was very common because this is how people made their living.
Anyway, the rules for treatment were so much different than all the other surrounding cultures.
Anyway, I always find it interesting, you know, people spray painting the word justice everywhere.
You hear the word justice.
I mean, to me, the word justice itself is a cry out for God because the very word justice, the very concept of justice, can't exist physically.
It's a concept.
Yeah, it's intangible.
We all want it.
We all are born desiring it.
And if it doesn't exist in some place outside of us, then it's a thing we just make up.
And so without God, I mean, that's the classic C.S. Lewis.
You know, when he realized his disbelief in God was too simple because he believed the world was so unjust that there must not be a God.
And then he realized, how would he even know what justice would be if there wasn't something missing and something that we're pointing to in our, you know, it's almost like being born a fish and water not existing.
It's like there's a thing that you were born to need and to thirst for, that means it exists.
Justice is not physical.
It's unattainable in an imperfect world.
And the only path to justice is to God through Christ.
So I just believe the whole idea of justice being in our hands as human beings, as sinful human beings, it's always going to fail.
Amen, brother Ethan.
And you're going to be coming out of the old pottery company with a bunch of new pottery or something like screaming justice as it burns behind you.
And the poor Korean lady who built it with all her blood, sweat, and tears is like losing everything.
And you got a free armload of pottery and you're doing in the name of justice.
Like truly, justice has no meaning at this point.
Like when you look at the videos from the riots right now.
Yeah, they're meaningless.
I saw one tweet where a guy said, well, black people built this country for free.
So they can take everything that they want.
Yeah, I saw one guy.
Yeah, because you want to get in their heads, right?
And almost always this kind of stuff is justified when you've created a cartoon version.
I saw one guy talking about how you all white people live up in your high rises and you don't care about us.
And when you come out here, you act like you're nice.
But when you're up there, you're talking about how we're below you and blah, blah, blah.
So he had this whole scenario in his head.
Number one, that all white people live in high-rises, which I come from a small meth town.
So that's not the world I'm from.
That's literally the name of the town.
Meth Town Oregon.
It's called Empire, but everybody called it Methpy.
You're born in the meth town.
You really have very few options.
Meth Town.
You're born through a canal of meth.
It's crazy.
I wasn't born in the town.
We moved there.
We were poor.
We were poor.
We moved there.
This is one of the poorest cities in Oregon.
And we lived in low-income housing there.
Burn it down.
Burn it down.
Burn it all down.
Burn that bleep down.
I forgot I was saying.
Oh, yeah.
So he had this whole cartoon.
Not only that, but he knew the conversations we were secretly having up in our high-rises.
So yeah, you build that cartoon picture, then suddenly you've justified it.
And that's what happens with, I think we've talked about before.
I find this documentary on Netflix fascinating, the white right.
You know, this woman visited KKK guys, Nazis, and she was a Muslim.
They'd never met a Muslim a day in their life.
They just had a whole idea of what Muslims were all like.
They'd only gotten it from selective media.
And so many, so much hate is based on that.
We just don't.
I think that a lot of people on the left don't really know a lot of conservatives.
I think a lot of the really, you get to the really MAGA right-wingers.
You don't have them as many in California because we all have to interact with liberals a lot out here.
But out in the South or whatever, they don't have to interact as much.
We create these cartoon views of each other.
So we got to get rid of that.
Not make it worse, which to me, I feel like critical race theory wants to make it worse.
Yeah.
The goal is not equality.
The goal is to flip it around, flip the power around.
Double down on the cartoons.
All right, everybody.
Well, stay safe out there if you go looting.
Remember to bring the permission slip from your mom and dad.
Bring a fat friend who can't outrun the police.
Yeah.
Where your Shanguevara shirt.
And it's also good to have bring a friend who can lift a lifting buddy, which I guess the fat friend can help lift.
You remember the back brace and the dolly?
A lot of those TVs are fairly heavy.
Yeah.
Bring your trusty strangling rope.
And you can just case you want to murder anybody.
You can show that you care about justice too.
Yeah.
Let this be the conclusion of the matter.
No, don't forget your cheesecake carrying case.
If they get warm, they kind of start to get yucky.
Oh, that's true.
Keeping cool.
All right.
What are we doing?
Hate mail?
Let's do hate mail.
I really miss Adam Ford.
All right, here's some hate mail.
This is the moment you've all been waiting for, or maybe just fast-forwarded to.
If you really are Christians.
Oh, no, no.
I need to start here.
Yeah, we need to preempt this.
So this is written in response to the article, Constitution Dies of Coronavirus.
So the piece of paper.
Yeah, yeah.
And there's a Photoshop of a giant Constitution lying on a hospital bed.
Okay.
So it's very, it's one of our stories that it's easy to think this could be real.
Right.
Much like the CNN washing machine story.
Or the one with where Trump grows to 50 feet and shoots lasers out of his eyes.
Right.
So it's right on the line of reality.
Right on this.
Definitely walking the line on this one.
Constitution dies of coronavirus.
And he says, if you really are Christians, start acting like it and stop publishing such garbage.
People on Facebook treat it as real.
So we would like to put a challenge out there.
Anybody, see anybody who...
Seth will reward you with $2 million.
I don't know.
Seth's doing this behind the camera.
I will draw you a picture.
Ethan will draw you of a million dollars.
Any picture you want.
No, of a million dollars.
No, no, you do not any picture?
Come on.
I guess.
I hate drawing.
They'll be like, oh, draw 600 skeletons on the Golden Gate Bridge writing Harley Davidson.
It's hard to draw you try to draw that.
Actually, yeah.
You'd still be working on it.
So yeah, I'll pay you a million.
I'll draw you a million dollars if you find me one person who thought that was real.
Constitution on a hospital bed being tended to by a nurse.
I picture life support.
I picture great aunt Ethel logging onto Facebook and digesting the little glasses.
Oh my word.
Constitution.
And she just hits the caps lock key and goes to work.
Yeah.
This is an outrage.
Outrage.
I can't believe it.
Well, everybody, thanks for joining us on the Babylon Bee podcast.
We've had a lot of fun.
We've laughed.
We've cried.
Our voices have squeaked.
Squeaking?
No, it was squeaking.
A little bit.
Not too bad this episode.
But thanks for listening.
It's been a lot of fun.
Our subscribers are going to get to hear more stories and a message from the mailbag.
Yeah, no mailbag.
So yeah, see you.
Peace out.
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