This is the Babylon Bee weekly news podcast for the week of 2/26/2020. In this episode of The Babylon Bee podcast, editor-in-chief Kyle Mann and creative director Ethan Nicolle welcome Babylon Bee writers: Frank J. Fleming, Chris Cowan, and Nate McMillan. They run down the week's top stories, take a stab at putting together a story on the spot for Trump's recent trip to India, and Kyle sings karaoke of John Lennon's re-released Imagine which gives more realistic descriptions of communism. In the subscriber portion, Kyle and Ethan and the writers tell the story of how they became Babylon Bee writers and talk about some of their favorite headlines. Pre-order the new Babylon Bee Best-Of Coffee Table Book coming in 2020! Catch a sneak peak! Show Outline Intro - Kyle and Ethan welcome the writers: Chris Cowan, Frank Fleming, and Nate McMillan. Stories Of The Week Story 1 - Pete Buttigieg Releases Study Bible With Notes That Explain Why Most Of The Verses Are Wrong / Hasbro Introduces New 'My Butti' Pete Buttigieg Doll Other dolls for the other candidates? Story 2 - John Lennon's 'Imagine' Re-released With More Realistic Description Of Communism Kyle sings a karaoke rendition. Story 3 - Man Forced To Apologize For Whatever He Did In Wife's Dream Last Night Topic of the Week - The Babylon Bee writers come up with a story on the spot. Join us in the writer's room. Hate Mail - In this special edition of 'I Really Miss Adam Ford,' we have Frank J. Fleming read the hate mail we got for an article he wrote. Subscriber portion (Starts at 01:00:26) Everyone tells their story/ how they joined the Bee. The writers talk about some of their favorite Bee articles. Bonus Audio The Lars Larson Show sent us their professionally done version of the Re-Imagine and now we are singing it around the office. Enjoy! Become a Babylon Bee subscriber at babylonbee.com/plans
In a world of fake news, this is news you can trust.
Breaking news we just made up.
You're listening to the Babylon Bee with your hosts, Kyle Mann and Ethan Nicole.
Welcome to an extremely normal episode of the Babylon Bee podcast.
This episode is so mundane, it's going to blow your socks off.
Well, it's not mundane.
It's just trying to give a good synonym for normal.
Middle of the road.
Average.
Average, everyday humdrum.
Vanilla ice cream.
Absolutely not special because Ethan mocks me when I say that the episodes are special.
I do?
I never do.
You'd mock me one time because I said this is a special guest.
And you said, as opposed to all of our normal guests.
We do have normal guests today.
Yes, we do.
That's not what I was thinking of all.
This is just a day in the life of the Babylon B because this is our writer's episode.
And we have our writers, some of our writers on the line with us today.
There are a massive army of writers.
We have like a few.
Yes.
Three.
Of all of the Babylon Bee bros.
This is just a few.
The Babby Bros?
The Babby Bros.
And so we'll introduce them one by one.
Frank Fleming is on the line with us.
And you guys, if you've listened to the podcast, he's come on with us before.
So hello, Frank.
Hi, it's me, cool dude Frank.
Say something funny.
No.
Good one.
Wow.
We also have on the line with us Chris Cowen.
Did I say that?
Hey.
Did I use that right?
Cowen?
Yes, you actually pronounced it right.
Good job.
I always called you Cohen, and then when you talked on the phone, you said Cowen.
Cowen.
Everybody does that.
Yeah, I like making cow into a verb.
He would be worshipped in India.
That's my goal.
That's my goal.
Wow.
And we also have on the line with us Nate McMillan.
Thank you for having me.
Well, I'm supposed to be doing a British accent, so we have some diversity, right?
Thanks for having me.
Appreciate it, guys.
Nate and Chris talk a lot alike.
Very similar.
Nate and Chris, just for a minute.
Each are going to say the word honeysuckle.
But don't say who it is.
So just want to.
Who goes, then the other one.
Go.
Honeysuckle.
Honeysuckle.
Oh, the second was Nate, I think.
Yep.
Nate's slightly deeper.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Slightly more manly, slightly more masculine.
Yeah, and Chris is slightly more nasal.
Like more on the effeminate side.
Nice.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I've always said that about him.
I did just get a vasectomy, so it's a forgot about that.
That probably contributed.
Yeah, that took it up an octave.
Can we have him say honeysuckle a few more times?
Just to make sure we all got this.
Well, we now have that as a sound bite.
We can use that for anything.
We can bleep things.
That could be when our bleeps.
What the?
Honeysuckle.
Honeysuckle.
Oh, boy.
Well, we thought it would be fun.
We actually recorded a very similar episode one time before, and the audio was completely unusable.
Early days of the podcast, it was a big undertaking trying to get all these voices on one podcast, and I failed miserably.
This is back when I was engineering it.
Yeah, so we fixed that problem by replacing Ethan with Dan.
So we wanted to give you guys, you know, just this is the Babylon B guys writing an article together, and that's what we're going to do in our featured section.
What is it called?
Topic of the week.
The main topic of the week, yeah.
And we're also going to go through the news like we usually do.
And usually it's just me and Ethan cracking jokes about the news and chuckling and going, heh, that's really funny.
And now you get one, two, three, four, five voices doing that.
Yeah, all talking over each other since we're on Skype.
It may not sound like it, but that's how we're doing this.
So there'll be a lot of delayed reactions where someone will laugh at a joke like 15 seconds later.
Yeah.
And then everybody will start talking the exact same time, then they'll all stop at the same time.
And it's not going to be awkward at all.
Dan will edit it.
Ha ha ha.
Which joke were you laughing at me?
Honeysuckle.
Has anybody had any crazy thing happen to them this week?
An anecdote before we get into our news?
I lost my cat.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Like he died, or you can't find him.
I can't find him.
Or her.
I can't find her.
It was sad because it took us three days to realize the cat was missing.
Because not having a cat is about 95% the same as having a cat.
So Chris.
Sounds like you were close.
Chris and Frank both have had losses this week.
Yeah.
Yes.
I still have all of my pets and my sexual abilities.
Oddly, the cat's name was Vasectilo.
Vassectillo.
Can we flowerbed sexual abilities?
Or no, honeysuckle?
What would the name be?
Yeah.
Tuby.
The cat's name was Tubsy.
Tubesy.
Snipper.
I'm trying to think.
You don't lose anything, do you?
Yeah, you don't lose anything, I guess.
Yeah.
That's a different procedure.
I've always been confused about it.
I do get confused anyways.
He's now a eunuch.
It's not what they do.
We're new to Adjust.
Yeah.
Right.
It's not what they did to my cat.
Yeah, it's not.
Right.
It's how they do to dogs and cats.
Right.
I want Ethan to be like an orderly at the doctor's office.
And they're like, so what happens in the procedure?
And he's like, you know, it's not what they do to sheep.
Come on in.
It's not like we're just using a rubber band or something.
Come on.
Come on.
All right.
Well, are we ready for our stories of the week?
I think so.
Every week there are stories.
These are some of them.
So, Pete.
Ah, deep breath.
Everybody loves Pete Buddha J. Bootedge.
Booty Jedge.
Booty Jedge.
Boot Edge Edge.
Booty Jedge.
The journalist of the Babylon B reported that he released a study Bible that has notes that just explain why the text is wrong.
That's nice.
In his not at all condescending voice.
He's completely lovable.
When I hear him talk, man, I'm like, oh my gosh.
Well, yeah, he's trying to be like the Christian Democrat, but that's like even more of a turnoff if they just completely ignored religion.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's weird.
It's weird, bro.
Did you guys see this video that just came out where he's word for word saying Obama phrases and Obama's saying them?
They have the two videos right next to each other, and he's word for word, like in many, many instances, saying exact Obama playbook.
I thought that was interesting.
It feels like a lot of the Democrats are trying to be Obama.
Like Beto O'Rourke, he talked just trying to talk just like him.
The Castro guy and Beto, they both talked.
They were trying to best Obama impression.
Oh, really?
By Castro guy, do you mean Bernie?
Or no?
Damn it, that they don't.
It doesn't seem like the Democrats even like Obama anymore.
I mean, that's why like Bernie Sanders, he is not Obama.
And he's doing very well.
It's true.
Yeah.
Yeah, wasn't it?
That's the politician thing to do.
Sorry, go ahead.
Well, Obama was like four years ago now, so he's like too conservative.
Yeah, that's right, yeah.
Old-fashioned.
He was against gay marriage when he first ran, which is like, you know, it's like.
Wasn't that your headline?
I'm a member of the KKK now.
Wasn't that your headline, Frank, that Obama got canceled after someone dug up his old presidential campaign?
Oh, yeah.
Where he opposed gay marriage.
Yeah, I'm so funny.
You're a rascal.
What an idiot.
We also, the journalist of the Babylon B also reported that Hasbro introduced a new my booty Buddhajudge doll.
Which is not a gay joke.
I just have to get out in front of that.
It's because his name is pronounced Buddhajudge.
My Booty.
My Booty.
That thing's creepy.
It makes me think of it.
You have the song, Dan?
The My Buddy song?
Is that an actual song?
You guys remember the doll, the My Buddy doll?
I do.
So this is what this is based on.
It used to come on.
The reason a lot of us know it is because this would come on during Ninja Turtles all the time.
And it was this doll that had been created for the whole idea of it was like, it's a doll for boys, so boys can be softer and gentler and they can have a friend.
That's what action figures are.
Those are...
Yeah.
So it's like a little friend, and he just kind of has a dead stare.
And he's just this.
Apparently, Chucky was based on My Buddy.
I guess that's like one of the inspired Chuck E doll.
Because, yeah, the My Booties make me think of that old Twilight Zone with the talkie Tina that doll wants to kill you.
Yeah.
Except it's like, I don't like you.
I want to tax you.
Yeah, I don't think my buddy talked or anything.
It was just the idea.
It was your friends.
He's just your buddy.
You can tell him your problems.
I like that the suits that Hasbro all got together in this room where they're like, we've got a problem.
Boys are playing baseball.
They're punching each other.
Playing in the mud.
Yeah.
We've got to fix this.
Go ahead.
Yeah, dolls seem to have the same problem with clowns where it's like, you know, a lot of people just find them creepy.
Yeah, I agree.
Honeysuckle.
Honeysuckle.
We were all distracted.
My wife just texted me asking what the Netflix password is.
You guys always have to tell your wives how to log into things.
All of the time.
Let's complain about our wives for a bit.
My wife has no perfect passwords that she writes them all down into.
That's very occurring.
I got one past family, so I can share everything.
And it's supposed to be like, you don't have to ask me, but then she forgets to install it on things and still has to ask me.
I've got the Apple TV, so anytime one of the Apple TVs tries to sign into something, it pops up on my phone so I can sign in from my phone.
I'm super high-tech like that.
But the point is, husbands are much smarter than wives.
That's the point, I think.
Yeah.
Definitely.
Do we have the My Buddy song?
This wife couldn't remember the Netflix password.
What an idiot.
Well, anyways, let's just sit and quietly wait for the My Buddy song.
Yeah, we're waiting patiently for the My Buddy song.
I thought I saw it.
There it is.
Wherever I go, he goes my buddy.
See you, I love that.
Am I supposed to be pretending I can hear it?
Oh, you guys can hear it?
I can hear it.
Yeah, I can't hear it either.
It's very cool.
Just be quiet for a second if you can.
My buddy from play school.
My buddy.
From play school.
Oh, you guys can't hear it?
That's sad.
No.
You'll have to sing it.
Yeah, so you guys can hear.
All right.
Well, you just imagine.
Just to YouTube later.
Google it.
I'm just imagining in my head how amazing that was, and I just feel so good about it.
My buddy, my buddy.
Wherever I go, he goes, my buddy.
That song was in my head.
They had Hans when I was a kid.
Kid Sister, too, right?
Yeah, Kid Sister was like the sequel, like the girl version, which is weird because they made, because girls have dolls, so they made My Buddy because boys needed a doll.
And because they made my buddy, they had to make a girl version of my buddy, going back to making a doll for girls.
This is like inception.
Yeah, it's crazy.
So, did you say it doesn't even talk?
No, it's just a guy.
As far as I know, I think it's just a kid.
He's just because he's kind of big and he's bigger than he's not a baby.
He's like probably like a four-four-year-old or something.
He looks like a manly four-year-old.
A manly?
I took his eyes off.
So, and I really tried to mix the My Buddy doll with Pete Buddha Jej's face in the Photoshop.
So, I actually took the eyes of the doll and put them on both sides.
And I really tried to give his skin like a plasticky look and stuff.
And it's really horrifying.
It's absolutely the stuff of nightmares.
But he still looks more human than Buddha Judge.
Well, we've been trying to find a good Buddha Judge joke for a while that was either a doll or a puppet or something.
And that seemed to be the one we all liked the best.
I pitched Howdy Duty.
Everybody loves.
Everyone knows who that is.
Yeah.
I do think that there's a good chance more people would have known who Howdy Duty was than my buddy doll.
That's possible.
It's possible.
But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
Kyle's like, we move on from the stupid Buddha Judge puppet joke.
I was trying to do that.
No, we got to keep going at this until we get it right.
So, what are some other dolls that we could make out of the presidential candidates even?
Oh, yeah.
Does anybody have any ideas that we absolutely didn't write down beforehand?
Just off the top of your heads.
You're really out of yeah, I was thinking there could be like a life-size Bloomberg doll.
It's just basically the same size as a normal doll.
Would it be smaller than my booty?
I mean, my buddy.
Well, I did not mean to.
Yeah, we didn't come with any little accessories that Bloomberg would have.
I know if there's an angry Yang action figure, he'd have whipped cream.
Okay.
Sure, Ethan.
Is that like strawberry shortcake or something?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Bloomberg would shoot money out of his butt or something.
Maybe you just have like a button you press and he like swats the soft drink out of someone's hand.
Yeah.
Karate chop action.
He's standing next to an eight-ounce soda and it's like taller than he is.
And he's like, why would anybody need more soda than this?
He just fires money out of his hands.
I like how dumb the tiny Bloomberg jokes are because I'm sure he's not even that short compared to people.
Right.
But it's just so funny that they get all offended when Trump's like, you're mini Mike.
And then it gets in their heads and they start freaking out about it.
Well, he'd be from the makers of Mighty Max.
So he'd come with a whole kit, a pocket kit.
Bloomberg, Polly Pocket.
You got all your little accessories.
You lived in this tiny world with bugs.
Hey, what about Biden?
Could he be Tickle You Biden?
Because I know Tickle Me Elmo goes like he reacts to being tickled.
So Biden would be.
Tickling.
Hey, get over here.
Come here.
Come here.
Come here, you.
Here comes the tickles.
He strikes me as the uncle that would give you a noogie.
Yeah, or like the my grandpa was doing like a slow claw coming at me.
Like the claw would be slowly coming closer and closer.
And all of a sudden he'd grab my knee and he'd laugh like, and I hated it.
I absolutely hated it.
No, I was endearing.
Now he's passed on.
Hey, wait a minute.
Frank, can you give us a recap what the origin of the what an idiot joke is?
Because we keep referencing it on the podcast.
And if people haven't listened to the Frank episode, they wouldn't remember.
I'm going to go back to that Frank episode.
So I don't remember what it was, but yeah, what was it?
Well, it's just it's the basic way to come up with a satire.
You take a article in the news, like Bernie Sanders said that Castro made literacy programs, and then you just add what an idiot to the end, and now you have a satire article.
Bernie Sanders said Castro made literacy programs.
What an idiot.
And that's how you make a Babylon B headline.
Yeah, like your AOC one where she's tying her shoes.
Yeah, I worked.
That was that, you know, that took a lot of skill.
That one took a lot of time.
I think I even added the last line on there, what an idiot, in the article.
Yeah, it was missing an ending, and you nailed it.
Yeah, so I wonder how many people picked up on it.
So other doll ideas, anybody?
Elizabeth Warren is Indian in the cupboard.
I like how committed you were to that joke.
Yeah, Elizabeth Warren, I guess we got to do the Indian.
Yes, we're going to do it.
Might as well get it done with.
Because other than that, she's just the female Bernie.
So there's not the Indian thing is like her one unique attribute, I feel like.
She like wants to be a female Bernie.
You know, she's like a more, you know, doesn't actually believe in all that stuff, but, you know.
Yeah, she's a more cynical female Bernie.
She could be.
Is there like a doll that's a huge phony?
I don't know.
Whatever.
Like a gobot instead of a transformer.
She could be big enough to stomp on the mic, the mini mic.
He's not that short.
He's at least four foot.
Just because he's human-sized.
That last debate, she just like, she tore him a new one pretty bad.
It was rough.
Yeah, they all had a lot of fun beating on him, even though it's like Bernie Sanders is the frontrunner.
I know.
Clearing the pass.
It makes me wonder if they all pooled their money together to have somebody come on that they could just beat up.
Yeah.
They all had a lot of fun.
Yeah, because we all know he's not going to win, but it saved them all from being completely destroyed because he just got like the punishment.
Other toys, how about yeah, my audio cut out for a little while.
Did we already do the Mr. Potato Head, Bernie Sanders, but without the potato?
Can't afford a potato?
No fruit.
Just no food.
Just the pieces.
He decided there's a right to food in this country.
That's what I was wanting to call him Mr. Potato Famine.
There we go.
Socialism.
I mean, I like capitalism, but socialism seems like a good idea, too.
We had Bernie babies.
Yeah.
Yeah.
They'd be collectible.
You get all kinds of different ones.
But it's like the Bernie Bros all done in different ones.
Yeah, little Bernie Bros.
Little man buns, little tiny man buns.
But instead of being filled with beans, they'll all be empty.
It's like the promises of socialism.
Fresh out of beans.
Because they're idiots.
We're so good at satire.
We should do this professionally.
We should start a satire site.
Did you see that Spork character that's on Disney Plus?
Yeah, from Toys Toy Story.
Forky.
Yeah.
Forky.
Forky.
I'm trash.
I wonder if you could make some kind of Klobuchar character out of that.
Oh, because she, what was her deal with the fork and the comb?
I don't know, something.
She ate a salad with a comb.
She stabbed somebody in the face with a fork or something.
Yeah, she'd be Comey.
Huh?
Comey.
Comey.
Oh, wait, isn't that the FBI director?
Oh, James Comey.
James Forky?
What are we even doing now?
What about Buddha G.I. Joe?
Oh, that's cool.
He was in the military, right?
He was in the military, yeah.
He's like the only one, I think.
Yeah, I think so.
At all.
All the presidential candidates.
Oh, yeah.
And then Bernie's easy bake rations.
Yeah.
Well, Trump was in the military.
He was the commander-in-chief.
That's right.
Very recent.
Very recent.
Yeah, sorry.
I'll show more respect for him.
And I like.
Oh, you got the last one?
No, no, go ahead.
Oh, I like Tulsi Gabbard, the Russian nesting dolls.
Yeah.
What's the word for those?
Is it like babushka or something?
Yeah, what is it?
No, it's not babushka.
I think that's matriska, right?
Matriska.
That sounds good.
Sure.
You got to do it in a Russian accent, though.
Who can do a good Russian accent?
We call these Matriska doll.
We make them by hand.
That's pretty good.
That's good.
Keep doing that, voice.
Very much sure.
We do this for the rest of the program.
What you call this thing podcast?
Podcast.
This is very funny.
You could do the count if you wanted to.
Blah.
All right.
This just in from Kyle.
Let's start.
You're ready to say something important.
I'm cutting this off.
We're moving on to our next story.
Oh, yeah, because we got time.
This is going to go long if we're not careful.
John Lennon's Imagine, re-released with a more realistic description of communism.
So was the original song about communism?
He was kind of like communist, sympathetic.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Open your eyes, man.
And then I think later in life, before he died, he was like, yeah, I don't know why.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He went back on all that apparently later in life.
Yeah.
So one of our other writers, who I think is not on this call, Taylor, pitched this idea.
Okay.
And I toyed with it a bit.
I actually ended up writing the whole song.
Oh, wow.
I think he was going to do like it just changes from Imagine All the People to Imagine All the Dead People, which I thought was a great headline.
It actually would have been a punchier headline, but I was like, I really want to write the whole song.
And so I did.
And I'm going to sing it now for you.
All right.
Everybody, get ready.
We're going to do a good job in an impression.
Performance.
I don't even know.
Imagine if we try.
We should probably get someone else to sing, but that's okay.
Yeah, I'm going to sing it.
Although Dan is telling me that he can't actually do it because nobody can hear it.
They won't hear it.
You guys won't hear the music, but you'll hear Kyle singing.
Super awkward.
That's the part where it's going to be comedy gold.
All right, no, we're going to do it even better.
You're going to hear me sing.
What's going on?
Can I sing I Am the Walrus?
What?
That'll be next time.
I don't even know where to come in it.
I guess I could just do it.
You could.
He's going to have the karaoke video, so if he shows you where the other words are.
And then I'll end up saying the other words.
All right, let's try it.
This is going to be, we should have done a practice session here.
Yeah.
Just everyone.
Grab that special someone.
Ethan, why are you grabbing me?
Imagine.
Wait, wait.
There's no.
Started with.
Imagine there's no brush.
This is going really easy if you try.
There you go.
He's getting in the sink.
No tacos or hot sauce.
Nothing cold or fried.
Oh, this is high.
Yeah, that's good.
Imagine all the people.
Oh, that was bad.
Living in the gula.
What am I supposed to be doing right now?
Imagine there's no money.
Just shut up.
It isn't hard to do.
That's right.
Nothing to eat or drink.
That's good phrasing right there.
Yeah.
And no bacon too.
Imagine all the people.
People.
Living short lifespans You may say I'm a commie You might say that But I'm not the only one Not if I can do anything about it And someday you will join us Or we'll shoot you in the face
Imagine no possessions We didn't have to change that at all.
Yeah, that's the original lyric Because all your stuff was redistributed
Lots of greed and hunger Or get rid of the greed But seriously, please can I have a potato imagine all the people I always lose it there I don't I can't find that melody sharing all your stuff Yeah, you may say I'm a commie.
Yeah, you may.
But I'm not the only one Bernie Sanders has a lot of supporters Did you say that you don't like that then it's the gulag for you son Wow you actually nailed it.
I was really I was impressed.
I thought you were gonna get lost somewhere in there.
No, no, I got this the yeah, I just couldn't find that as this the imagine or the imagine all the people I lose that only when he jumps up Kevin Max on it.
Hey Kyle, I have to say I've been a fan of the podcast for years and I think it's reached a new high point.
And that just ruined a drop-off we're going to see to subscribers after this.
We should have warned people that they can skip ahead on their devices.
Whereas they need to know there is a skip feature on the Kyle, I'm not just saying this because you're my boss, but that was really amazing and you should definitely consider doing that professionally.
I know they heard that a cappella too.
Yeah, that's brutal.
Holy cow.
I'm kind of embarrassed, but that was fun.
On the subscriber portion, Dan, I want you to put the a cappella version at the end on this audio.
I know.
Oh, boy.
All right.
Well, you want to move on to our next story?
Move on.
Please.
Man forced to apologize for whatever he did in wife's dream last night.
News at 11.
Yeah, I think it's a good point.
Women are extremely irrational and unreasonable.
Your wife's a big fan of this podcast.
Yeah.
Can we say something nice about her?
She'd like that.
She's a great wife.
My wife.
She's very good at grammar.
Yes.
And I am not.
And she's very complimentary.
There is a noticeable difference between the articles that Frank has his wife edit and then sends me and then the ones he sends to me without any wife editing.
Yeah, I sent one recently.
She said, oh, that last sentence was terrible.
I said, yeah, I could tell, but I don't know how to fix it myself.
Frank's writing without his wife, it's like, Bernie is bad commie.
Dumb idiot man, silly hair.
So Incino Man.
Yeah.
Anybody got any other irrational wife stories?
No, mine's very rational and very powerful.
Yeah.
I don't know.
Yeah, there's going to be a noticeable difference between the people whose wives listen to the podcast and those.
My wife is very rational at all times and completely never not rational.
So she listens to the podcast?
Yeah, I think so.
No, she actually doesn't.
She doesn't get the point of podcasts.
She's like, it's just people talking.
Why would I want to listen to that?
And then she goes and hangs her friends all the time.
And then she talks to me for another two hours about that.
Very popular.
No, my wife, as soon as you put it out, she's like listening.
And I'm like, why are you listening to that garbage?
Turn that off.
Turn that garbage off.
Not in my house.
I was surprised.
My wife doesn't listen to any podcast.
And then she got into it.
And she actually genuinely likes it.
She listens to most of the episodes.
Nice.
Be really careful.
This dream thing actually happened last night.
Literally last night?
Yeah, like this morning.
Really?
This sounds like a thing that happens to you often.
You're fairly often a year ago, right?
I'm not going to embarrass her too much, but there was like, you did this in my dream last night.
Wow.
And I'm like, oh, wow.
Sorry.
I'm really sorry.
I'm very sorry for that.
You don't have to give us too many details, but is it stuff you're doing to her or stuff you're doing with other people?
It's usually like cheating, you know, but not like board games.
It's like we were just hanging out at our board games.
You stole an extra $200 from the banker.
It's usually like we were all at this party sitting at our house and you were holding some other girl's hand and you were just like, and it's always my attitude that I'm just like, so who cares?
Right.
In the dream, I'm just this bad boy.
Like, yeah, that's what I'm doing.
Your leather jacket.
Which is funny because I couldn't cheat on my wife even if I wanted to.
Because I do not know how to talk to women in any way.
I don't know how to test that.
I don't know.
There's a way that you can.
Yeah, I guess I wouldn't know because I haven't, but I got right out of high school, met my wife, and married her.
So I've never done the dating.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
Nice.
You dodged a world of hell.
Yeah.
All those chumps that did online dating and stuff.
Suckers.
I don't know.
I couldn't.
I finally, the first girl that went for me didn't happen until I was like 32.
So that's not totally true, actually.
I was kind of picky too.
I work from home.
I don't even know how logistically I'd manage an affair.
You'd figure it out if you really wanted to.
You're a smart guy.
My wife has very strange dreams, but usually, I mean, there are some where I'm not so great in the dream.
I'm just kind of like laying around.
I can't remember.
I can't.
That's just me, though.
I had a dream last night that you were just laying around.
She has all this weird stuff happening, but there's some weird detail about.
Oh, I'm kind of in the background of the dream.
But yeah, I can't remember.
Most of her dreams are like way too obscene for me to be able to actually talk about on this podcast.
Wow.
Yeah, I usually don't remember strange, obscene dreams.
Save that for the bonus portion.
Yeah.
Subscribers?
I usually don't remember my dreams, but I had one recently.
I was like, I was like super thirsty.
I was trying to find my, like your bottle of water I usually use.
Oh, that got thirsty.
Yeah, but then I finally had to settle on a cup, but then when I tilted my mouth, the water would start to disappear.
And that's like when the dream overstepped itself.
It's like, oh, you're a dream.
This isn't actually happening.
Yeah, the dream really jumped the shark.
Yeah, yeah.
Like, you had me, you know, like, oh, I can't find my water bottle.
That's normal.
But, you know, like, I'm cursed and I can't drink water ever.
That's stupid.
What an idiot.
Hey, yeah, I got a good Babylon B headline idea.
White blood cells offering free health care.
Wow, that's genius.
How'd you come up with that?
I just read your idea on the headline, Frank.
That's classic.
And you need to write that.
I just want credit, so I'm going to read it first on the podcast.
Well, speaking of headlines, we're going to do something that may work and may be terrible.
Maybe a complete train wreck.
This might be a disaster.
But we're going to try to actually write a Babylon B article on the air, which is just at least a headline.
Which is just going to be us typing.
Yeah.
Just the sound of us typing.
Now we're going to try to try to kick around some ideas and see if we can make an article out of it.
And then we're going to post it later today if we need a crazy Photoshop and Ethan can do it today.
Or tomorrow if we need a crazy Photoshop and we can't do it today.
So let's try it.
I might need to go to the cigar shop.
Let's go to our topic of the week.
And now, the Babylon Bee's topic of the week.
So usually people think, people ask me, like, how is the Babylon Bee, how are headlines generated?
And they think that it's all of us sitting in a room and like, hey, let's joke about this.
And everybody.
And that would be like the dream.
Yeah, that'd be awesome.
But it's just, we're all so far apart that we can never do that.
So we do weekly phone calls where we chat and try to come up with some stuff for the week.
But mostly it's just kind of us all sitting on our computers thinking.
Commenting on a Facebook post.
And saying, hey, I got a secret Facebook.
Good idea.
I hope Kyle thumbs up this.
And Kyle is the man who he's the Joaquin Phoenix from Gladiator.
The thumbs up.
The thumbs up.
And sometimes the Joaquin Phoenix from Joker.
Are you?
No, I don't know.
But are you ever the Joaquin Phoenix from Signs?
Not Signs.
Whoa, they were thinking the same.
That's what I just said.
Whoa.
That's the thing.
I can't think of anything else Joaquin Phoenix is in.
Yeah, who else was he in?
Johnny Cash.
Yeah, walk the line.
Oh, yeah.
So Donald Trump is visiting India at this moment.
Oh, here we go.
Yeah.
And so we wanted to think of something that we would be free to kick around some ideas on on this podcast, and you could sit in on how we might come up with a headline idea.
So we thought of something non-controversial: jokes about India.
Yeah.
No risk of any racism or anything.
No risk at all.
Yeah.
No.
Nice, light topic.
So, Trump visiting India.
There's so much to play with here.
So initially, we would just think of what are all the things about India, which is going to be dangerous.
We need to think both of all the elements of Trump humor that works well and then kind of pair that with something from India, I think.
There's always the Trump's dumb joke of he dresses in headgear, you know, like it's Native Americans.
Yeah, he thinks it's the wrong Indians.
Yeah.
Wrong kind.
Well, that's what I mean.
I mean, it's literally what happened to Columbus.
So, I mean, it's true.
That's why it's called India.
Yeah.
It's happening.
Or no, not why it's called India.
Whether it's why Native Americans are called Indian.
Well, one thing is they don't like to eat cows, so it'd be funny if Trump went there and slaughtered and ate a cow.
Yeah, remember the joke we did about.
Of course you do.
You wrote it.
Frank wrote that joke about what was it, him body slamming the Queen of England.
And we wrote it like one of those articles, like, oh, Trump committed one of those faux pas again.
Yeah.
Didn't understand the culture.
He could body slam the Dalai Lama.
What was one of the lines in that article was so funny.
It was like, I'm sure there are many.
It was something that's considered an insult in their country.
It was like, Trump picked up the Queen of England and slammed her on the ground.
Something that is considered an insult in their country.
Yeah, I love the idea of doing just something so off-the-wall extravagant, and it's just like, oh, just a misstep.
Slaughtered a cow and made some burgers.
What are the actual headlines being reported on this?
I saw that CNN was doing, is Trump going to be able to survive without hamburger?
Can he survive?
That was an actual headline.
Yeah.
Withered Trump delivers breath.
They made a big deal.
I had 100,000 people in an audiorium like to see him, but percentage-wise, that's not that many.
Very low percent.
But how many people can the auditorium hold?
There you go.
I don't have the conference.
Come on.
You don't need to get so offended when we make fun of Trump either.
That's kind of funny.
You started to say it, but like withered, withered as if he hasn't had meat for emaciated.
Is that the right thing?
Yeah, like emaciated.
He's withered and last breath at the podium.
He's crawling to the Air Force One.
Yeah, he has no idea what to eat if he can't.
Trump gnaws off left arm in a desperate attempt to get more meat.
Eats a staffer.
Forced to eat a stammer.
I'm writing on the stamp.
Yeah.
Oh, one thing they have at India is spicy food.
So he could like eat the food, but it's like too spicy.
Do they not eat any meat?
We got to eat chicken and stuff.
Yeah.
They just don't eat.
Just eat cows.
Yeah.
Well, it's kind of like Americanized Indian food, except it's Britishized, where they had the chicken tikka masala and stuff like that.
Yeah.
Like crumpets.
Crumpets.
Does the phrase holy cow come from India?
Is that where that comes from?
Yeah.
Absolutely, I'm sure.
It's like taking the cow's name in vain.
Yeah.
I tried to eat Indian food one time for Dan's birthday.
He brought everybody out to Indian food and they never brought my food.
And I said, oh, I'm sorry, you never brought my plate.
And then they still didn't bring my plate.
And I was like, I was sitting there starving.
And there was like 20 people and they all ate and I just sat there.
They could probably tell you're going to do racist jokes about them.
Yeah.
So they had a bad feeling about me.
I feel like that's part of the experience of like anytime I go to sushi or any kind of like Asian cuisine, like if there's if there isn't some bad customer service, then it's not the full immersive experience.
Oh, you're so racist.
Yeah, I know.
Good customer service is always a bad sign.
That means they're desperate for you to stay.
If it's really good food, they could treat you like garbage and you'll stay anyway.
Exactly.
Yeah, it's the no-soup for you.
Yeah.
This is only kind of related, but one time I really got into eating Vietnamese food.
And I was eating with this woman who I was running a room with.
She was an older Jewish woman.
Every once in a while, say something kind of racist.
So we're sitting there and my car was parked right in this parking lot.
I could see it through the window as we were sitting at our table.
And she goes, oh, you should be careful about where you park here.
A lot of Asian drivers in this parking lot.
No, not very good drivers.
I'm like, okay, whatever.
So I went, I ate there again, like a week later or whatever.
Same spot, same parking spot.
She told me I shouldn't park there.
As I'm looking out at my car, a little Asian grandma, she was right next to me, backs out and cranks the wheel to the right so that her car just like bashes into mine and just all the way down just the big dented line all along the end and just takes off Well, that's because she was a woman, not because of the race.
Yeah, as a woman.
Yeah, come on.
Had to be something living up to the stereotype.
Yeah, it's as if they knew that we had that conversation.
Does that Jewish woman ever show up in your dreams?
Oh, I have a weird name about that, but it's another story.
I heard about her dog did.
I have a crazy story about her dog.
I may have told this on a different episode.
You have to stop everything.
He dog that visited me.
He visited me in death.
Yeah.
Our stories are life, man.
You got to remember that.
I'm on this podcast and I don't remember.
I remember that.
Subscriber portion or something.
Our listeners remember, but I don't know.
I may have told it on Audio Mullet if anybody listens.
That's what it was.
It was Audio Mullet.
Never mind.
Yeah.
I knew who my true friends are that listen to Audio Mullet.
Sorry.
Anyway, back to Trump in India.
What about something with the dot?
Like he thinks it's a laser scope on somebody's forehead and he tackles them and saves them.
That's a great idea.
Nate calls himself a hero.
Only.
How did you word it, Kyle?
I wanted to.
No, I just wanted to say Nate because I was guessing if it was Nate or Chris.
No.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it was.
Well, here's another thing about India.
It's 3,287,263 square kilometers.
Maybe we could do something with that.
Just on the top of your head, off the top of your head.
Wow.
That's impressive.
That is something that's very distinctive about India.
I'll bet nothing else is exactly that size.
That's true.
What about, you know, they have mongooses fight cobras?
Like, that's like a thing they watch.
The fight.
Sure.
Is there anybody who is really weasly?
Like in the Trump campaign that it can like fight a cobra?
Is there anyone who is really weasly?
Yeah, like his, I don't want to say one of his sons, but like one of those guys that's really weasly, you know, like a real weasly guy.
I can only think of Democrats.
Anybody like on his legal?
Who's that?
Stephen Miller?
He always looks kind of weasily.
Stephen Miller.
Still on the I can't keep track of this dude.
Who's been fired for Trump's still on there?
I can't keep track yet.
If they were on the administration when we started the pipe, there's no guarantees.
Yeah, it's like one day I got this great new hire.
He's the best.
And then the next day, he was garbage.
I only hired him because I felt sorry for him.
I guess when Sarah Huckabee was on, it might have been funny to be like, you know, Trump woos crowd as Sarah Huckabee devours Cobra.
That's not fun.
Yeah, that might have been funny.
We could do some kind of jungle book thing where he gets lost in the jungle and befriends a panther and a bear.
They sing the bare necessities together.
Yeah.
I think it is best if it's where Trump is just being a Trump.
Yeah, that's the like if the joke's purely that he's just dumb.
Yeah.
So I have yeah.
Well, there's one thing.
There's there's monkeys in India.
One of them could like, you know, mischievous monkey could steal his nuclear football.
And he's like chasing around like, give me that back.
I want to nuke someone.
You're a national treasure, Frank.
Yeah.
Here's something else.
Trump's skin is kind of orange.
Is it?
Oh.
And also, he's kind of untapped jokes.
He's kind of dumb.
He's going to do something with that.
I'm just throwing it.
I'm just spitballing here.
Maybe he inspires a new Indian dish called like orange.
Orange something.
Orange stupid.
Orange.
Bad man.
Yeah.
We could just say Trump.
Trump had trouble not eating hamburgers for two days.
What an idiot.
It's easier than that.
We've done this before.
It's just like Trump visits India.
What an idiot.
Yeah, I guess I was trying too hard.
What if he negotiates while he's there, like some great negotiation with the prime minister in exchange for a bunch of burgers because he's been starving for so long?
Yeah.
Or he's such a.
Do you have to get them to handle the other one?
No, no, yeah.
Because Trump is like the whole thing is he's the master negotiator in his head anyway.
So he makes them buy like a million pounds of hamburger.
He gives them all the hamburgers.
He somehow gets them to get them released of Pooh after he's been in prison for racism.
Is that a Simpsons character?
Yes, that's a Simpsons character.
A Pooh and a Piece of Potta Pedal Mom.
Hey, Frankie Potter.
Frank, can you give our homeschoolers a little rundown on who a Pooh is?
Yes, a Pooh comes from The Simpsons.
The Simpsons is a cartoon started in 1989.
It has run over 600 episodes.
And he runs the Quickie Mart, which is like a 7-Eleven.
And of course, the stereotype is lots of people are Indian who run those types of establishments.
You know, it's actually good.
That's because you got a lot of immigrants, though, or they'll buy stores like that.
They tend to, you know, be entrepreneurs.
Very entrepreneurial.
Hank Azaria just refused to do his voice anymore, right?
Didn't that just come out a few years?
Yeah.
Or they decide they're just not doing it.
And then it's like they might have someone else do his voice.
It's like maybe they'll have somebody who's actually, you know, ethnicity is Indian do it.
But then I'm wondering, is it going to be someone who actually has an Indian accent or is it going to be someone with an American accent doing an Indian accent?
But he is Indian, so it's okay.
I don't know.
It'd be weird.
Thanks for watching.
Who knows?
Yeah.
That was a big explanation.
What about Dalsim from Street Fighter 2?
Yoga Fire!
He was the guy that his arms would stretch all the way up.
Yeah, the stretchy guy.
Yeah.
Go-go yoga arm.
You boys in your vidja games.
Vidya games.
For homeschooler, Street Fighter 2.
Which one is Trump most likely?
Probably Mbison.
Yeah.
Well, which of them is orange?
I'm telling you, the orange skin thing is gold.
It's an untapped mine.
Gonna kill.
Yeah, there is something funny about him being going out on some kind of jungle book adventure, but I cannot picture what it would be.
I'm kind of leaning towards the trade deal.
What about guru?
There's like all these guru guys that are like they sat in the same spot for like 30 years and their eyes have been open the whole time or something.
Yeah, you could have Trump totally messes up and knocks over all these guys that have been balancing on a stick for them over.
They're all like in a row, like a bunch of motorcycles.
He's trying to buy a Slurpee from this guy.
This guy's been on a broomstick.
The other side of the trade deal could be that he claims that he's the one who got them to stop killing all the cows.
Before he came, they were slaughtered everywhere, but now he's thanks to him.
Nobody eats cow anymore.
They're safe.
And he takes credit for all of it.
What if he offers to take all the cows away from India?
Like to protect them?
Give them their own planet.
The first duty of Space Force will be to create a cow planet.
Yeah.
All the cows will go there and they'll live in harmony.
Hey, that was an axe cup issue, I thought.
Huh?
No, I'm just kidding.
Like, no, it wasn't.
How dare you?
No, no, no, that was bad guy planet.
Bad guy planet.
Bad guy Earth.
Bad guy.
That's right.
If anybody wants to get on Ethan's good side, say, yeah, that's right.
I remember that.
Were there any bad cows on it?
We didn't do a lot of cows and axe cop, I don't think.
You drew a cow.
Oh, it was for R. O Casio-Cortez.
Yeah.
Comic-Cart Cow.
I was thinking that was an Axe Cop thing because I remembered it.
Yeah, so I like it.
It was written by a five-year-old.
Classic.
Oh, man.
Burn.
Maybe Axe Cop and Trump could team up to fight Dal.
I forget how to pronounce that guy's name.
Dalseem.
Can I ever find out how to pronounce R-Y-U either?
Maybe it's just Ryu.
I believe it's Ryu.
Ryu.
I think it's actually like one and Ryu.
It's like one and a half syllables.
I had a pronunciation guide because I was obsessed with that game.
Because I remember we called him Dalseim and then it said Dalsim on the thing.
What was the other one?
I mean, Blanca was weird because I always called him Blanca.
Definitely a Blanca.
Yeah.
Chun Li.
Is it Gil or Guile?
Guile.
It's a Guile.
Yeah.
And then Ken, Keen?
Yeah.
Ken.
Yeah.
Kenneth.
Kenneth.
It's short for Kenneth.
So anyway, I like the trade deal idea.
I think that's a good joke structure because it's something you would say.
What makes the Babylon B headlines work a lot of times is that it sets up the expectation that you're going to read an actual news headline.
So it's like, oh, and the major trade deal.
Yeah.
You know, and then when the joke hits, it hits harder.
Trade deal, the laser dot thing is pretty funny.
Yeah.
That would be kind of a long headline, though.
I would have to say, you might say something that Trump's actually yelling, like, get down, you know, or get down, shouts Trump as he notices red dot on prime minister's forehead.
I don't know.
Does the prime minister have it?
I don't know who has the red.
I think it's just women.
That was mostly women, right?
Yeah.
Is it women?
It doesn't mean something.
Yeah, I knew that.
I was just seeing it if you guys were cultural.
Maybe it's related to the case system.
I forget.
I could be wrong.
No, you're right.
It is always on women, right?
Yeah.
This is where Cynthia chimes in and says, you foolish humans.
It's called a bundy, by the way.
It's got a name.
Bundy.
No, the boondy.
Yeah, I don't know.
I love cows.
I didn't look that up either.
I knew that.
I didn't.
It does seem like such a good joke that I'm going to do.
That might be a good one because it's both Trump dumb and Trump heroic.
I like it.
Yeah.
I also liked him just absolutely destroying a cow in a faux pas.
We have done the faux pas structure before, but we can reuse things.
You couldn't misunderstand and think they don't eat cows, so he thinks if he sees one, he has to get the heck out of there.
Like they don't want it anywhere nearby.
Stop tempting us with your meat.
I guess the danger with the slaughter, not the danger, but the sweet spot for Trump humor is when the Trump supporters will share it and the Trump haters.
And I feel like the slaughter one may err on the side of being too far, yeah.
Well, where people are going to say, oh, you're saying Trump's an idiot.
A little too obvious.
I don't want to do the Trump's an idiot thing.
I don't know.
Yeah.
Not because he's not.
Not because he's not.
Not to be clear.
I mean, to be clear here.
There's a hint of cleverness.
Yeah.
Genius Trump makes trade deal.
Yeah.
To protect all the cows.
Take them to the U.S.
Well, I tend to look at the headlines that are like, Trump is an idiot is less a commentary on Trump and more a commentary on the news media's constant, you know, portraying him as an idiot.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, it's just a line that you got to walk.
Yeah.
Depending on how it's worded.
Are there any funny henna tattoo ideas?
I don't know.
Get a henna tattoo.
No, there are not.
Okay.
Yeah.
Trump stamp.
Oh, we could connect it with the fact that his skin's orange.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
We haven't brought that up yet.
He's a good point.
I just keep coming back to another statue.
I'm trying to get a neck tattoo.
That might be fun.
How about it's Bindy, not Bundy.
I'm sorry, Bindy.
Indian people start worshiping Trump because they think he's a cow.
He's fat.
Oh, he's so fat.
Because he's fat.
He's over white and orange.
And he's an orange.
Oh, I like how you connected it with the orange thing.
Right.
Let me think he's a monkey god.
What about short circuit?
The guy from short circuit.
We got that guy.
That's another one of those timely references.
Howdy duty.
Johnny 5 is alive.
That was where I first heard the accent, and I was a little kid.
And I was like, why is he talking like that?
I don't think that actor is Indian.
So that's probably considered very racist.
Not really.
Probably not.
What is he?
I don't know.
Is it like Blackface or something?
Yeah.
So I don't know.
What are you guys feeling?
I like the slaughter thing.
I like the laser dot.
I like the trade deal.
I guess if we feel like the slaughter thing might be a hard line to walk, we could go with either the laser dot or the trade deal.
Can he get something totally wrong about Indian culture?
Like thinking, you know, oh, I love Arabian Nights.
Or like, oh, I love Aladdin or something.
We could do the Native American thing.
Yeah, that's true.
That someone mentioned before.
Yeah.
I was like, Pokemon was a great woman.
Trump apologizes for Trail of Tears.
Maybe he keeps asking about where their casinos are and their cookie marts.
Well, that's the other thing, though, is that actually The Onion already did a joke on this, and theirs was that he thought that India was a different planet.
And so I feel like if we use the structure, that he's just completely misinformed.
It's kind of similar to that.
Yeah, we don't want to let people know we just copy the onion.
Yeah, we want to disguise the fact that we just read the onion and change the words around.
Right.
Like, we'll just take one of their Trump articles, we just plug in Joel Osteen instead of Trump, and it works perfectly.
Perfect.
Perfect.
Actually, one of their, they did that one where Trump bows before a portrait of himself and says, you know, please guide me in my darkest hour.
We just do that with Joel Osteen.
Yeah.
You guys are supposed to laugh.
I'm sure it's just we're all trying to find that perfect moment.
It's all been narrowed down now, and now we're just trying to figure out which.
So what do we like?
Would you guys like Laserdot or do you guys like the trade deal thing?
I like Laserdot.
Yeah, maybe Laser Dot.
Why not more than one?
A little bit of a bunch of people.
I'm afraid of that one called race.
Yeah, we could do both.
I mean, sometimes it depends on how popular it is if you can double dip or not.
We're double dipping on Bernie Sanders' commie remarks all week.
I mean, we're going to do one every day because he's just a moron.
What an idiot.
I don't know.
I don't feel bad dunking on people that praise communist dictators.
Yeah, I never liked communism.
It was.
That was stunning and brave for you to say.
Yeah.
You know, we had that Cold War.
When I was a kid, we had the.
It was much better than climate change.
We were all worried about getting nuked, which is like, you know, it's a much more immediate thing than being a couple degrees hotter in a few years.
And yeah, it was scary.
They were going to nuke us.
They were not nice guys.
They stole my childhood.
Now it was fun because he had lots of cool 80s movies blown up commies.
But now it's like, you know, we have presidential candidates, the same economic ideas as the guys that Rambo would blow up with an explosive arrow.
Or punch in the face.
Well, maybe we'll take what we've got here.
Are you trying to get to it?
An actual finished headline?
No, no, no, that's fine.
We'll do one of these.
And you guys have heard the sausage being ground up.
And once you see it, it'll be in its case.
You guys have seen the hot website.
It's not that funny in this state, but when we get to the Babylon B, it'll be a little bit funny.
Yeah, it'll actually be less funny because you've heard all this ahead of time, which is why we don't laugh as much at our own jokes as you hopefully do.
But yeah, welcome to the Sausage Factory.
Welcome.
That's the name of the episode: The Sausage.
But now you've seen it's really easy.
But now you've seen it really easy.
It's a female writer, just so we don't have to call it that anymore.
Now people see it's really easy.
Anyone can do this.
Keep sending us your headlines.
Yeah.
Let's do hate mail.
I really miss Adam Ford.
That auto-tune gets like slower every time I hear it.
He's like, so bad.
Oh, you guys probably didn't hear it, huh?
No, we heard it.
No, I heard it.
Oh, you did?
Oh, okay.
What?
How'd you hear it that time?
I guess he heard it.
I don't know, but not from the computer.
Oh, he figured it out.
Oh, yeah.
Unlike my acapella board, my a cappella performance.
So this is hate mail for Frank's article.
So Frank has to read it.
Oh, do you have this name?
But it's written by a guy named Nathan.
Oh, maybe.
Oh.
Is it Nathaniel?
Maybe Nathan.
Nathan was all upset.
Nathan, just talk to me, man.
Don't.
Yeah, no.
I write a lot of them.
Which one was it?
Trump sent an email to Kyle.
You know.
Do you guys have the notes?
Yeah, I have it.
I'm looking at.
Do you want me to read it?
Yeah.
I'm very good.
I like my voice.
I really like hearing myself.
Okay.
Hate mail from Nathan.
Reason.
Complain.
Message.
It is a disgrace that you would post a bold-faced lie.
Christians are not idiots.
We know the difference between trash that you publish and the truth.
Understand that your statement made about my president will be something you will be held accountable for in the future.
You are a disgrace to journalism.
Trump did not say he has done more for Christianity than Jesus, and you should retract this article.
So here and now, Frank, do you recant?
Christians are not idiots.
I'm a Christian.
I'm the smartest person ever.
So yeah.
Some Christians are probably idiots.
It's probably a few.
Is it bold-faced lie or bald-faced lie?
I've heard it all fly.
It's supposed to be bald.
Yeah.
But they said it was bold-faced.
Like you're lying and you're just bold.
I always lie with a very bold face.
A bold-faced lie is when you're weaponizing a smile.
You're just smiling as you lie.
Yeah.
Trump.
Trump, I have done more for Christianity than Jesus.
And you're smiling the whole time.
Yeah.
Now, if you want to hear a Dave D'Andrea read of this, it's going to be on the interview episode this week because we are interviewing Dave D'Andrea and he read a bunch of hate mail in it.
Yeah, and he read this one in like a posh, like condescending, conniving type.
Conniving?
No, condescending voice.
Yeah.
So it was great.
Fancy pants.
All right, we're going to move into our subscriber portion.
And we are all going to tell our stories of how we got into writing and how we got into the Babylon B.
Yeah, we're going to get to know everybody.
And there'll be a lot of stuff.
Frank has a crazy revelation that he's going to share with us.
And yeah, all of our dark past.
Frank, think of something quick.
I'm trying, man.
The rest of this podcast is in our super exclusive premium subscriber lounge.
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And Ethan would like to thank Seth Dillon for paying the bills.
Adam Ford for creating their job.
The other writers for tirelessly pitching headlines.
The subscribers and you, the listener.
Until next time, this is Dave D'Andrea, the voice of the Babylon Bee, reminding you to embrace life, but side hug the opposite sex.
Yeah.
Just everyone, grab that special someone.
Imagine wait, there's no way sorry.
Imagine there's no bread.
It's easy if you try.
No tacos or hot sauce.
Nothing cold or fried.
Oh this is high It's easy if you try.
No tacos or hot sauce.
Nothing cold or fried.
Imagine all the people living in the gulags.
Imagine there's no money.
It isn't hard to do.
Nothing to eat or drink.
I know bake on to imagine all the people living short lifespans.
Woohoo.
Imagine all possessions because all of your stuff was redistributed.
Lots of greed and hunger.
But seriously, please, can I have a potato?
Imagine all the people sharing all of your stuff.
Yeah.
You may say I'm a commie, but I'm not the only one.