This is the Babylon Bee weekly news podcast for the week of 2/12/2020. In this special Valentine's episode of The Babylon Bee podcast, editor-in-chief Kyle Mann, creative director Ethan Nicolle, and producer Dan welcome their wives onto the show: Destiny, Jessica, and Chandra. This episode was recorded on Kyle and Destiny's wedding anniversary, Ethan and Jessica's first date anniversary, and Dan and Chandra's awkward texting anniversary. Love is in the air on this special episode of the Babylon Bee podcast as they tackle the week's biggest stories. In the subscriber portion, the couples face off in The Dating Game, where the rules are entirely too vague for Kyle's finely tuned gaming palate, but everyone still has a fun time! Pre-order the new Babylon Bee Best-Of Coffee Table Book coming in 2020! Show Outline Introduction - Kyle, Ethan, and Dan introduce their better halves and give them permission to speak. We then dive into the stories of the week. Story 1 - AOC: 'You Cannot Literally Wrap Your Head Around Something, You Would Get Hurt' AOC immediately fulfilled our boomer meme with comments about bootstraps and shoelaces. Other idioms AOC will attack? What do the ladies think about AOC? Story 2 - Garnier Fructis Introduces The Biden Collection Biden recently told a woman in New Hampshire that she was lying about being to a caucus and called her a "Lying Dog-Faced Pony Soldier". Destiny informs the men how to pronounce Garnier. Story 3 - Woman Advertising 5 Different MLMs On Back Of Minivan Must Be Extremely Rich, Successful The women discuss their favorite MLM schemes and products and we question why there is a culture in the church that seems to replace fellowship with marketing Story 4 - Man Shows Sacrificial, Christlike Love For Wife By Throwing Socks In General Direction Of Laundry Basket We learn disgusting truths about the guys from the wives. Story 5 - 'The Milk Is Nowhere To Be Found,' Reports Husband Staring Directly At Jug Of Milk The struggle is real. Topic of the Week - For Valentine's Day, the gang discusses their stories, how God brought each couple together, funny things that happened on first dates, and how the romantic-at-heart Ethan is upstaging other men in the love department. Hate Mail/ Feedback - We get an email from someone who can't believe Christians would lie and deceive their elderly mother about something Bernie Sanders would say. Paid-subscriber portion (Starts at 01:10:43) Dating game If your spouse could go anywhere for a free vacation for a week, where would they go? What's their favorite book of the Bible? What adjective best describes your spouse's family? Your spouse wins the lottery. What is their first big purchase? Spouse's most annoying habit? Who is the better driver? Parting marriage and parenting advice. Become a paid subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans
Heart-shaped chocolates are falling from the sky like ass and rain.
And a small, chubby baby is shooting people with his arrows of love.
That's right, Romantics.
It's Valentine's Day.
And we're celebrating in smooth, silky style with our love-infused, romance-packed podcast special.
The real housewives of the Babylon Bee.
Hello there Hello.
Kyle.
Welcome to the Love Boat.
Did you hear that saxophone music playing?
I did.
In the air today?
Oh, man.
I think it's like things just feel extra romantic around here.
It does, you know.
It feels like we're sitting in a nice restaurant with a candlelight.
Yeah, like love is in the air.
Like little hearts are flooding around like butterflies.
There's a string quartet playing near us.
You know, one of Mario Band.
One thing people tell me that they really like about our podcast is that we have people on who we don't necessarily agree with on everything.
They like people talking across party lines and different cultural boundary lines.
And they like civil discourse.
Yeah.
Even if we completely disagree on many things.
Almost everything.
We still like having those kinds of people on our podcast.
Yeah, and sometimes those are people that you make out with all the time.
Once in a while.
Once in a while.
When has that ever been the case?
Only with one person.
Except today.
That's right.
Because today we have our wives.
That's right.
It's the Valentine's Day special.
Wives, you may speak.
Hello, Babylon B listeners.
Hi.
Hello, we all.
And that's Chandra.
We should introduce our wives, shouldn't we?
I love that we've allowed them to speak.
You may now speak.
If you have any questions on the Babylon B podcast, wait and ask your husband after the podcast.
So yeah, for the Valentine's Day episode, we're thinking we'd have our wives on, and even Dan, Dan, you can talk.
Hello.
He's concentrating on actual work.
Dan, you may also speak.
Yeah, we have to allow Dan to speak too.
And Dan's wife, Chandra, is here.
Is it Chandra or Chandra?
Sorry.
It's both.
Okay.
My great-grandma always called me Chandra, so it's kind of endearing.
So I said it the old-fashioned way.
Yeah.
Okay.
And my wife, Jessica, is here.
You may speak.
I am here.
The really thing is we're sharing three mics, so we have to get out of the way and give the person room.
So, Kyle, would you like to introduce your significant other?
This is my significant other, my partner.
My wife.
Destiny.
hello so do we have you guys have pet names uh I guess not.
Not really.
I guess not.
I think the closest we have is deer.
And we just say it kind of like we're goofing off.
We say it really stupidly.
I call you father.
Oh, yeah.
Father?
tmi or is that uh yeah She does, but yeah, no.
Yeah, so nobody's like Pookie Bear or Snookums.
Snuggle Bunny.
What do you call Dan?
Come on.
He's got to have a good teddy bear name.
Teddy Bear.
Well, actually, sometimes I forget Dan's name, which is kind of embarrassing.
So instead of hey you, I'll be like, hey, hey, Freckles.
Does Dan have freckles?
He has many.
You have to get really close.
Oh, yeah, his arms are.
They're up there.
Okay.
Harry Dan.
That's his surprise.
You've never noticed, Ethan.
I've never been that close to your face.
Well, today's a special day.
It's actually my and Destiny's wedding anniversary.
And it happens to be my and Jessica's first date anniversary.
Go on.
Yeah, and I guess our first date was around February something.
So we were doing that.
We were in the awkward texting phase.
So this is our awkward texting and awkward texting anniversary, yeah.
That's so much cooler than a wedding anniversary or a birthday.
We were just like full-on paragraph texting off the bat.
Well, we're going to tell our stories later in the show.
First, you guys want to do our weekly stories?
Yeah.
Every week there are stories.
These are some of them.
You know, I forgot to mention we're doing the Babylon Bee Best of Coffee Table book.
I saw it in the notes right there.
Oh, yeah.
And it's pre-order it.
You can pre-order it now.
It's not out yet.
Yeah.
Just understand it's not out for a while.
And then it says pre-order.
That means before order.
You're like the person getting in line for a Star Wars movie like months before it comes out.
Yeah.
You got a lot of camping gear.
Most people are mocking you.
Yeah.
You are camping out outside the Babylon B online store.
And it will probably be out in the middle of this year, but we don't have a firm date yet.
Yeah.
Early summer is just what we're aiming for, but who knows?
Who knows?
Nobody.
God knows.
And that's all that matters.
All right.
And now story one.
Kyle, you may speak.
AOC.
You cannot literally wrap your head around something.
You would get hurt.
That's a good point.
That's really smart.
That's a very smart point.
Did she try?
Did she what?
Did she try to?
I didn't read this.
Yeah, she demonstrated that you can't actually.
You can't.
So we had a writer's meeting yesterday and we were discussing how to attack this AOC because, do you have the clip?
Yeah.
Yeah, AOC had this beautiful, beautiful comment.
Ms. Hutchinson, I also want to thank you about bringing up the poverty draft and this idea of a bootstrap.
You know, this idea and this metaphor of a bootstrap started off as a joke because it's a physical impossibility to lift yourself up by a bootstrap by your shoelaces.
It's physically impossible.
The whole thing is a joke.
I think that speaks for itself.
Mike dropped.
I just love that she specifically mentioned shoelaces right after you did that article about the shoelaces.
Yeah, that was the thing we were all laughing so hard about because we did that stupid article, which we already explained the joke.
I think maybe two podcasts in a row.
I can't remember.
We kept talking about it.
Yeah.
But, you know, the joke being, anyway, I don't want to say it again, but.
Let's explain it a third time.
She strangled herself with her shoelaces.
But it's because the article is so stupid.
That was one explaining.
Explain it.
She is dumb.
She is stupid.
It's a super meta joke.
But anyway, and then she said this.
It's just awesome that we write the absolute most over-the-top thing we can think of.
And then she fulfills it.
And it's in the news the next week.
Just absolutely wonderful.
I'm really curious about the etymology of lifting yourself up by your bootstraps.
Like, where does that come from?
What does the actual word?
What did expression come from?
I had heard that before, that, well, the point is that you can't.
Yeah.
What is the point that you can't?
But any idiom breaks down when you think about it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We tried to list some off the other day.
Wrapping your head around something was the best one.
So let's get our wives' opinions on AOC.
Destiny?
What are your thoughts on AOC?
You may speak.
She represents all your interests.
Not my interests.
This is nice because now that the women are attacking AOC, it's no longer problematic that we're just a bunch of white males laughing about a brave woman of color.
Except for it feels like we're commanding them to speak to.
Well, we are.
We are.
Well, I personally get all my news from the Babylon Bee because I know that it's real.
It's serious.
And anything I've ever learned about AOC has been from the Babylon B.
So when the Babylon Bee tells me she's dumb, I'm like, she's dumb.
Yeah, I just go, dear.
And she's eyes like CNN on.
I'm like, turn off like, here's your news.
Here's the news you're allowed to watch.
You have a very well-informed and intelligent wife, Ethan.
I'm like Kim Jong-il of the house.
I have one news source I allow her to see.
And then also when I speak, I have a voice actor speak for me.
The deeper booming voice.
And there's all these myths about you that have evolved over the years.
I make my children sing songs about blowing missiles at my enemies.
One time, Dad wrestled a bear and killed it.
You know, like this whole...
Yeah, there's like a song about it.
Yeah.
Dad wrestled bear.
They have to march and sing it with their guns.
The Nicole household is an interesting place.
It's wild.
How about you guys, Coates family?
I have one compliment for AOC.
I really like the way she does her makeup.
But that's where it ends.
Yeah, she's pretty.
I always hate people that call her ugly.
Are you honest?
Are you serious?
Of all the people that are on TV for politics, she's one of the more attractive people.
At least she's not ugly.
Yeah, but there's more to life.
Oh, yeah, totally.
Yeah, Ethan.
There's more to life.
Just saying that.
It's such a below-the-belt thing.
They give her like a unibrow and her teeth sticking out all snaggly.
Yeah, so you know Dan and I are libertarians, and so we read a lot of like, well, I read a lot of people.
You want to talk to your husband about it?
He gave a lot of time.
You guys smoke a lot of weed and every day.
No, I'm just kidding.
Every other day.
Every other day.
No, there are some really funny conspiracy theories about AOC.
And one is that she's just like a staged actress that like memorizes lines and stuff.
And I could totally see it, except that she like messes them up.
And then there's like the voice in her earpiece that's like, no, no, that's not what he's supposed to be doing.
That stuff again.
It's a guy off stage with the script.
Like, you skipped the lines.
You did the script.
Jesse, what are your thoughts on AOC's makeup?
I do like her makeup.
I think that whoever does it does a very good job.
I do makeup too, so if she's looking for somebody new, I could do that.
Or her hair.
I could do her hair as well.
She has nice hair.
Yeah, so this is the commentary that matters.
Jess, thoughts on AOC's makeup.
I have no comment.
No, Kyle.
Okay.
I just want to say that you can't judge a book by its cover.
That's a good idiom.
Wait a minute.
That's literally all you can judge a book by.
That's exactly.
If you look at a book, you have to judge it by its cover.
The whole thing is a joke.
It all falls apart.
You can't have your cake and eat it too, Ethan.
Kyle?
That one confuses me so much.
Oh, no.
Frank was telling me you flip it around, it makes sense.
Yeah, you can't.
You can't eat your cake and have it too and subsequently have it.
You can't be like, hey, I want to see this cake I got.
Oh, yeah, I ate it.
That's a good point.
I think you guys are missing the forest for the trees.
And you may even be throwing out the baby with the bathwater.
There's no forest within like 10 miles of here.
So I don't know what you're talking about.
We need a suburban desert form of that.
Yeah, we're missing the forest is literally trees.
I don't know how you can see it.
The desert for the city for the buildings.
The desert for the sand.
The beach for the granules.
Ocean.
Ocean.
All right, we took that one far enough.
You know what I noticed the weirdest thing to me about this?
Like, I know, at least for us being on the podcast here, is that it totally flips around.
Like, usually my wife was the way more talkative one of the two of us.
And now it's like totally flipped around.
It's really weird.
This is very problematic.
Like the three guys are on the mics and we're just.
I know.
Well, Ethan keeps nudging his mic in my direction.
Kyle keeps taking it away from me.
This is like, yeah, this is extremely problematic.
We've got to get way more mics.
So expensive.
Maybe when we get to one of these stories that you guys will have some strong opinions on, we can just back off.
Just back off your finger in the air if you want to speak.
Yeah.
Just like in the Nicole household.
Shake a rolling pan at us if you want to speak.
That's what the wives have to do in the Nicole household.
Permission.
All right, let's move on to our second story.
All right.
I have no idea how to say this.
Hey, Destiny, can you read this story?
I don't know how to pronounce this.
Yeah, I got to have a, hey, we should have her wives are going to.
There we go.
Story two.
Garnier fructis introduces the Biden collection.
That was good.
Very convincing.
So is that how you pronounce it?
Garnier fructis.
Garnier fructis.
So how is fructis?
So is that a good brand, Destiny?
No.
Can you give us some advice on shampoos that are good for our hair?
My wife is a stylist.
Well, it really depends on what kind of hair you have.
So if you have a lot of hair, you want like a moisturizer.
Dry.
Well, but do you have dry hair?
Do you have coarse hair?
I like basu products and wow products or basu products, surface basu things like that.
But this Garnier and pantine and suave don't use it.
This episode has been brought to you by Basu.
No, by Desert Rose Salon.
Desert Rose Salon.
If you're in the Southern California area, you want to get your hair done.
I wonder if there's any salons in the area where you get your hair done and then someone behind you just smells your hair for you.
Giving you a shoulder and you like a shoulder rub and the whole Biden experience.
They do like an old man's sigh as they smell.
So this is what Joe Biden has been doing at these events.
He always pulls like a little girl up or like someone in the, and he'll like put his hand on their shoulder behind him.
And he'll do like this.
And you're like, what are you doing?
Like, it's just weird.
And he lifts their hair up with his nose, kind of like a dog lifts your hand to be petted.
And he kind of starts sniffing inside your head.
This has made me uncomfortable.
I mean, it's little kids, too.
It's so weird.
So I don't even like shampoo.
I always accidentally use the conditioner.
Or, you know, just whatever's there, hand soap.
I'm good with that.
We don't have hand soap.
Hand soap in the shower?
It's, you know, whatever's around and grab them.
I squirt the shampoo and conditioner in my hand at the same time and just use it all over my body.
Yeah, like a body wash.
I'm doing enough of a job.
I put it all in a rag and just I create my own two-in-one.
For men, I don't know if anyone's done a joke about this, but for men, they should have just like a 52-in-1.
They do do a joke, though.
Everything in one.
Like shaving cream, deodorant, deodorant, toothpaste, motor oil.
That's what they have, yeah.
Just absolutely every possible thing that you can use.
So I'm curious, how many bottles of shampoo are in all of our homes?
And I'm sure like one of them belongs to the man, and then probably the rest are not.
So I'm curious how many total.
You're offending the women.
Am I offending?
I'm not trying to.
No, you're not offending.
Destiny's got her finger in the air.
Hold on.
We have five people in our family with all different types of hair.
So.
Wait, wait, wait.
There's different types.
Yeah, there's thin hair.
There's fine hair.
There's thick hair.
So my oldest son, Emmett, has very, very, very curly hair.
And it gets dry super fast.
So I have him use a curling moisturizer, you know, shampoo and conditioner.
Samuel has very straight hair, but he has a lot of hair.
It's very full.
So he has a hard time.
And Calvin has a lot of very fine hair.
So he has different hair.
And then bottles of shampoo.
Okay.
Yeah, I apologize.
So we have about five bottles of shampoo and five conditioners, one for each of our hair types.
For each person, it has five?
Well, for each person, it has one.
So that's like 25 bottles.
No, each person has one shampoo and conditioner.
Okay.
But isn't that kind of spread out between two showers?
Because like my shower, I have just my stuff in there.
And then the kids' bathroom, there's like 14 different half-used.
You know, their bathroom is just like a disaster.
Well, we have a 13-year-old girl, too.
So she has half the hair care products in the whole house.
Easily.
They switch them.
So sometimes they're like, I want to take a shower in mom's shower because it has better pressure.
And so a lot of theirs isn't ours, actually.
I'll admit at times I have seen, I've caught a glance of like one of the names of Jess's shampoos.
It's like roasted, toasted, vanilla, almond, coconut.
And it sounds so good.
Like, I want to drink it.
Don't drink it.
So I'll use it.
I'll be like, like, sniffing it.
And like, every once in a while, I just squeeze a little squeeze.
And the male version of that is like head and shoulders charcoal.
You know, like, I don't know.
Charcoal.
I pretty much just have to use head and shoulders.
Like, if I don't use it, I just look like, I don't know, like winner.
Like Father Christmas.
So do you guys find why do you find Joe Biden creepy?
Are we leading the witness and I have to ask that question?
How do you feel about Joe Biden?
How creepy do you find Joe Biden?
A scale of one to Joe Biden.
How creepy is it?
A scale of nine and a half to ten.
Babylon B has told me that Joe Biden is creepy.
Therefore, he is creepy.
She's a very good wife.
I didn't really know anything about it until probably the last year when Kyle started showing me all these pictures of him.
And I'm like, wow.
Don't come around my kids.
But yes, I feel like he's very creepy.
And so then when somebody is like, he's not creepy, I just pull up a picture.
Like, it really is.
That's not creepy.
And I think he's creepy now.
Well, he also, very strangely recently, I can't remember the context.
Dan, can you give the context of this very strange clip we have?
It's just him saying so.
It's after the Iowa caucus, and Joe Biden is in New Hampshire talking to a crowd for him, a rally for him.
And a lady stands up.
I assume that's a lady.
I guess I shouldn't assume.
But she stands up with the microphone.
It's her time of talk.
And she asks him, like, well, if you're going to be, if you've been the vice president, you've already been in the White House.
If you can't poll higher or do higher in Iowa, how are you supposed to win against Donald Trump?
And he gets very defensive about it.
And then he basically says, like, have you ever been to a caucus?
And she's like, yeah, I have.
And she's like, no, you're lying.
But he called her a very interesting name.
So just to be clear, he said, you lying dog.
You're a lying.
I mean, I'm always.
You lying dog-faced pony soldier.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I guess I read online, he's quoting like a John Wayne movie from, you know, like 100 years ago.
I don't know.
Back when people said Malarkey.
Yeah, Malarkey.
Yeah.
Maybe that was the film.
I don't know.
Yeah, what would the John Wayne Malarkey movie be?
Like Malarkey in the Old West or something.
Malarkey in Arkansas.
I don't know.
I'm trying to think of it.
Didn't he also recently kiss his granddaughter on the lips?
And they're like all these awkward pictures.
She looks like it's like family.
I was a little, okay, you guys have your tradition.
You know, whatever.
That's fine.
It's the old-fashioned colour.
But when it's him and you're like, hmm, you know, what are you doing?
Yeah.
Like, he has to have AIDS and stuff that are around him going, hey, you got to watch.
No, He's got to have AIDS at this point.
He's got to have AIDS by now.
Oh, wow.
A-I-D-E-S.
He has to have staffers.
How about that?
Staff infection.
Is that a disease?
He's going to have staffers around him that are going like... Staphylococcus.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That are going like, you know, hey, Joe, you got to cool it with the girls at the.
You got to have people that are like, just be real careful.
You know, I know you're a friendly guy and you like to put your hands on girls' shoulders or you got that personal affection, whatever.
That's fine.
But just watch it.
But no, he just barrels right through and they're like, ah, you know.
He's reached that point of being an old man where he just doesn't care.
Like I'm not sure.
That may be what I'm going to do, I think.
He's like the George Bush Sr.
Remember what he said.
He had that thing he said to that lady about.
What was that creepy thing he said?
Remember that?
I can't remember.
Yeah, he was honored, right?
He called him Dr. I can't remember.
I lost it.
Let's just jump to our next story and forget that I didn't end that sentence.
You want to read one, dear?
You may speak.
You may speak.
Story three.
Woman advertising five different MLMs on back of minivan must be extremely rich.
Comma, successful.
That's like a Siri reading, I guess.
Comma, successful.
I wanted to, you know, get the essence of the headline.
Yeah, if I'm reading it on the podcast, I'll sometimes just say and rich and successful, you know, because it's like the headwind language.
So I actually saw a woman exactly like this, and I photoshopped the van to be exactly what I saw.
There was a woman driving in front of me that had like Scentsy, Young Living, Herbal Life, you know, all that.
I'm just like, geez.
Like, how many of these can you possibly do?
I don't know how you keep up with all of them.
We got a lot of MLMs in our family, so we got to be careful what we say publicly.
Yeah, do you guys like MLMs?
What do you think about MLMs?
Do you like it?
Whoa, hard-hitting question.
Yeah, my sister and my best friend and my mom are big MLMers, so I don't think they listen to the podcast, though.
You can just go off.
There's nothing to go off about.
Unload.
Are they rich?
Well, Destiny Donald.
I would say they work a lot of hours.
Let's just put it that way.
Do you have any thoughts on MLMs, Destiny?
Yeah, you know, the pyramid.
You know what an MLM is for?
I know what an MLL is.
Do you know what an MLM is?
Do you know what I mean?
MLM Oils?
Do you need me to man explain it?
Can I mansplain it to you?
I personally wouldn't do an MLM, but I do like some of the things that they sell.
Like, I like some of the Scentsy products and the doTERRA things.
Yes.
See, I like.
See?
I do.
I do too.
I use a lot of essential oils.
Me too.
In fact, some of the essential oil pictures that are in the Babylon B are my stuff that Kyle buried in the ground.
But I don't really have the energy to go out there and do something like that.
But I do enjoy.
You enjoy essential oils?
Yeah.
Well, like to sell these things.
I had an article.
Yeah.
David's oils were found or something.
Yeah, she wakes up and she's like, she texts me.
I'm at work and she's like, why does my essential oils case have all this dirt all over it?
I'm like, oh, well, I had to bury it.
This is like King David's.
It's for work, dear.
It's for work.
It's for work.
Yes.
So I do purchase things from there.
I just don't sell the stuff.
So I don't necessarily have to agree with you on your.
I mean, chiming in as a nurse, though, some of the health-related stuff is the science is a little shaky.
I'm going to just put that out there.
Oh, I don't think it's going to like cure cancer.
You know, but.
Yeah, that could be like an alternative on this.
Like, you'd have like a woman who uses over 300 essential oils, probably immortal.
Well, I remember somebody told, I don't know if I should say, but somebody told your mom, like, oh, this will heal your, you know, your spine.
And she's like, no, it's okay.
But your mom enjoys doTERRA.
I'm like an MLM's worst neighbor.
Don't at me, fans.
So I have a lot of autoimmune issues and asthma.
So I just get super annoyed when people present things that aren't evidence-based, like, use these essential oils for your asthma.
And I'm like, actually, that makes it a million times worse.
Like, no.
Well, and it's not just essential oils.
It's like I what I find worse is like I'm not going to name names, but like the ones where you buy a bunch of powders and, you know, they're all the research that they're telling their consultants to preach is coming from the company.
You know, it's kind of like exactly.
People are like, I don't need my diabetes medication anymore.
And I'm like, you should talk to your dog for diabetes.
Or a friend of mine who literally will promote that her product cures peanut allergies, which are known to be deadly.
And, oh, take my product and then you know what?
Do a trial run on your child.
Give them a pee if you die or not.
Oh, my God.
See if it works.
Bad idea.
No.
Well, we found a topic that gets them going.
Yeah, I was wondering too about like MLM culture, like at churches, because I see it from the outside where it's like every get-together that the women will have at some churches is like just a sales pitch.
So I was wondering what you're doing.
Have you ever been to like an initiation ceremony or anything where they're like, join us.
Yes.
Join us.
And it is very annoying.
Please stop inviting me to those.
Well, especially when they don't say it outright.
And you show up and you think it's a gathering of like women.
Come show up for church.
And then you're like, we're a fellowship together.
Hang out.
What is this pamphlet you're putting in my hands?
Like, wait a second.
I've been duped.
I have literally been in a situation like that.
I was like, after church, get together with the girls.
And then there's somebody from Monet, which don't buy it.
There is somebody from doTERRA.
Okay.
You know, do your thing.
Scentsy, we're fine.
But it's like, I don't want you're like, Scentsy, give it to me.
Just hand it over.
I won.
I will say one thing I was really excited about.
I won a Scentsy kit.
So woohoo for me.
But I did not sign up.
I just, I don't like that.
I don't like to be tricked.
I don't like to be duped.
I get very upset when things like that happen.
And don't try to cure my diabetes, okay?
Just keep your hands off my diabetes.
Stop.
It's my diabetes.
I'm just kidding.
I don't have my wife has type 1 diabetes, just so she knows.
I do have diabetes.
Not to bring the room down.
We keep talking about it.
I just want to, it's a thing here.
I think I experienced the male equivalent of the MLM culture in church.
Like we went to a new church down in San Diego and we had some guy that was an older guy.
So I'm like, oh, maybe this guy wants to disciple me, wants to be my friend.
And so he's coming up to me like every Sunday, talking, starting conversation.
I'm like, oh man, he's real friendly and great.
Hi, Dan.
Yeah, like he's like, you know, he's got a wife and kids.
And so it just seemed like, oh, he's going to show me how to be a man.
And like, yeah.
Checks out.
And then like four weeks into this, he's like, so have you, let's get together after church and have lunch or something.
I'm like, oh, okay.
And then we had someone come up and I had to cancel on him.
So then he started texting me like long form messages like, have you considered your life insurance policy?
You know, blah, blah, blah.
It was just a long con.
It was like, he's going to reel me in.
I mean, it's crazy.
Wow.
Yeah, I don't know if I've had any, I had one friend go nuts about magnets.
He was just one of those guys that he had.
This has nothing to do with the MLMs.
He was just nuts.
Yeah, he was just period.
Yeah.
He's one of those guys that gets convinced by a pop-up that shows up and says, you just want a gazillion dollars.
If you click there and give your email, he's like, he's like, call it died.
I just want him out of the doors.
It popped up my computer.
I had a guy that was obsessed with, we had a guy at our old church that was obsessed with Plexus.
Oh, yeah.
And like, he ended up leaving the church and like just bailing.
He was leading Bible studies and stuff and just all of a sudden stopped texting.
Everybody just left.
And then six months later, he texts me and he's like, hey, we're going to have a barbecue at the house tonight.
And I'm like, oh, maybe, you know, he's like, we'll be serving the pink drink.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Exactly.
Exactly.
You know, and it was like, and there will be a giveaway.
And I'm like, a giveaway at a barbecue.
A giveaway of powdered beverages.
And Destiny probably tipped me off.
Oh, it's a Plexus thing.
I'm like, oh.
You should have had Cherry 7 up and been like, I got you.
I'm good.
I got my pink drink.
It's Pepto-Bismal.
On ice.
On ice.
Shaking.
Not scared.
So we just got to find a church that has genuine fellowship and not like the long con going on everywhere.
Why is that going on in the church?
What's up with that?
Like in San Diego, it happens a lot because like now I'm kind of scared to like be mean.
I'm not trying to be mean to anybody.
But like a lot of military spouses, you know, their husbands are gone and I feel like they want to contribute and try to do something like that.
So I feel like I see it a lot there.
I haven't seen it as much up here, I think.
Have you, Kyle?
No?
Some, but yeah, it wasn't.
Yeah, there was definitely, we were kind of in a military community.
And so the wives, the husbands would go, and the wives wanted to feel, you know, they wanted to feel useful and they wanted to feel like they were bringing in money too.
And so it was just, it was like, they were kind of the perfect audience for that kind of a sales pitch.
You know, you can earn money at home.
It's like, oh, I can, you know.
I think it comes from a good desire on their part.
Like, I want to help, you know.
But then I think a lot of people maybe take advantage of them.
Well, it seems like the companies are really, I mean, it's very directed at like the wife who's at home, the stay-at-home wife, who wants an excuse to get together with friends and stuff like that.
And it just, it's really targeting.
But I did want to thank the Babylon B because we had, you guys have a story.
Facebook could display warning whenever a girl from high school about to sell you stuff.
I've actually used this.
I had a girl from high school.
I hardly knew her.
Hey, Ethan, I don't know if you'd be interested or not, but I'm trying to find a couple people today that would love to try our new healthy energy drink.
Would you be interested in learning more?
So I just sent her the link to that story.
Savage.
I don't know if I should.
She was very offended.
It starts off a no thank you would have been good or removing from your list.
And then she went on about how this is her income.
That's brutal, Ethan.
That's pretty brutal.
Absolutely savage.
You know what's funny?
We were sitting back and you guys were all talking about shampoos, or maybe it was when you were talking about the MLMs.
It gave me this weird, like we were in an alternate plane of reality where our wives do the Babylon B and we're off like they have the podcast and they do this stuff.
We're at home making cookies.
I do hair.
Ethan's a nurse.
You know, Dan's with Amelia.
When are you coming home, Chandra?
You know, she's like, we got to get the podcast recorded.
You know, that's an aside.
They might do a better job.
You never know.
They were doing great.
It was entertaining to listen to.
We should sit back and let them get going.
Yeah, that's why I kind of want to.
I'm going to keep interrupting him.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So let's do one more story.
We usually do three, but let's do one more because I think we've got to pick the best one.
Yeah.
We can do one or two if one of these doesn't get them going.
But we're really trying, we're like poking them with the stick.
Come on, guys.
Come on, get going.
Chandra, do you want to read the next story?
The six?
Let's do this.
We did four recently.
Yeah, why don't we do number six and then possibly number seven?
Because I know my wife will have thoughts on seven.
Mine too.
So, Chandra, read number six and then you guys can talk.
And we will be quiet the entire time.
Yeah, we'll let them discuss this one.
We will not talk.
Starting now.
Man show sacrificial, Christ-like love for wife by throwing socks in general direction of laundry basket.
I am so triggered.
Thank you.
I think it's good if we have solidarity.
Even if they mock us, we need to be firm, stand up for our commas.
I like consistency.
Thank you.
I do too, and I like you.
Thanks.
A bond is forming.
I am triggered by this as well.
You know what?
I can't.
Okay.
I'm sorry, but when Ethan and I were first living together, got married, the thing that bothered me was he would, he always rolls up his sleeves on his button-down shirts.
And then he would leave his socks in a ball.
And like, I've bought him like every form of foot helper, like foot, you know, file.
Like, you know, like Amopay.
You know what I mean?
Pumice, you know.
And I'm like, please use this because our bed, like where his feet are, is like the pile.
I mean, I'm not even joking, like a pile of dead socks.
What are those things called?
The leaf blowers?
Yes.
Blow it off.
Yes, precisely.
So at one point, I said to Ethan, you know, I'm cool with doing your laundry.
You know, that's one thing I do in our household as I do all the laundry.
But will you please, because when I would unroll his sock, I was like, oh, geez.
You know, like inhaling.
Yes, like into my nostrils.
You know, I was like, oh, this has got to stop.
Like, if we're going to maintain love, if we're going to maintain love for decades, this has got to stop.
So I said to him one day, like, you know, I'm cool with doing your laundry, but can you please unroll your sleeves before you put it in the laundry and unfurl your socks so you can inhale your own foot dust.
And to Ethan's credit, that was probably like six years ago, and he does it every time.
I thought that was going to be a bad ending.
No, I mean, that's why I'm saying I can't like chime in too hard on my man because like I asked him to do it and he does it.
That's dedication right there, Kyle.
You need to pay attention.
Ethan's easy to live with.
Wow.
Oh, wow.
When Kyle and I first got married, we were Sitting down, and Kyle was eating a Snickers bar, and he has the wrapper, and we're watching TV or doing something, and he sticks that Snicker bar or the Snickers wrapper in the couch cushion.
Oh, Kyle.
Right in front of you?
Right in front of me.
And I looked at him and I said, I'm sorry, what?
And he says, Does that not go here?
I will say that that has changed.
But Kyle also folds his socks when he's done using them.
Wherever he's at, he's sitting on the couch.
He takes off his socks.
He folds dirty socks.
He folds his dirty socks.
And so I said just recently: if I find these socks around the house, I'm going to assume they're clean and I'm going to put them back inside of your drawer.
What kind of person folds folds them?
He doesn't roll them.
He folds them nicely as if they would look like, you know, clean socks.
It's like when you're like, are the dishes in the dishwasher clean or dirty?
You know, like, do you guys yell that to each other all day long?
Or is that just us?
We had an incident with the dishwasher misunderstanding.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, nothing's worse than when you unload a full dishwasher full of dishes that were dirty.
That were dirty.
Yes.
I agree.
So you're yelling at Kyle, are these socks dirty or not?
Nope, not anymore.
Okay.
I just put them back.
You ended that.
They're just back.
But he does, he does not put them in the hamper.
He'll leave them in that area.
Ethan's pretty good about getting in the hamper, but he has a rack that when we open the door to our shower and toilet area, there's like sometimes there's like 14 hoodies hung.
There's three little hoodies.
What is it with the hoodies?
And like jeans that he intends to wear again.
Sometimes like workout clothes.
I'm like, yeah.
Eventually you can't even walk through the door because there's so many.
Maybe we should get a rack.
Yeah.
Single ladies, this should be a skilled assessment test.
We haven't heard much about Dan.
Dan's improved vastly.
Wow, listen to that, Kyle.
13 years.
Am I allowed to give away the secret?
Okay, Kyle and I are first cousins, so it's like really funny because I know all about Kyle.
Anyway, so Dan and I just perfected our laundry situation.
He has his own hamper.
Oh, that's good.
But if it's not in the hamper, I am not watching it.
Fair.
That's all.
All right.
Well, there was another story on there that I really liked about.
Yeah, let's do it.
The man looking in.
I think Dan deleted it, though.
No, no, no.
He just moved.
How did you move it?
Is it the movie one?
No, the milk one.
Oh, our podcast.
We can do as many stories as we do.
I'll go ahead and read it.
Okay, we read it now.
The milk is nowhere to be found, reports husband staring directly at a jug of milk.
So there's like actually a picture.
You want to talk?
Go ahead.
You say it.
Go ahead.
It's just such a universal truth because even our son Ezra will be looking for the milk, staring right at it, and I'll be in there.
I'll find it.
I'm staring right at it.
It's true.
Very true.
Destiny put a picture up on Facebook once and she's like, Kyle just told me he cannot find the coffee creamer.
And she takes a picture of the open fridge and the coffee creamer is right in the middle.
Like just right there.
And she's like, who can find the coffee creamer in this picture?
Like Total brutally owned me on the internet.
I feel like all of these Babylon B articles about the wives, Kyle writes specifically of things that have happened in our relationship because that has also happened.
And then there was one, remember, in San Diego, you couldn't find the keys.
And I said, the keys are in the car in the cup holder.
And you ran out and you said, I looked in every cup holder.
And I walked outside.
And he was waiting in the other car.
And I went, whoop.
And he's like, where were they?
They were in the cup holder.
Well, Ethan, Ethan calls me Halcipedia.
Like, you know, like, yeah, because like, and it's so funny because Eliza's becoming the same way.
Where like, if he'll be like, where did I put that whatever?
You know, and then I almost always know exactly where it is, whatever it is he's looking for.
Like, I'll text her.
I'll text her like six hours later in the day while she's at work and she'll know where a random thing is laying somewhere.
I will say, it's like on the bedside corner underneath the, you know, the side table.
He's like, why do you know that?
Yeah, such random things.
You know, do you know where this USB cable, you know, that does the specific connection is in the house?
That's not a good example because the cable she wouldn't know.
Oh, what?
I never throw those away.
She throws the cables away.
Do you guys have the box of orphan cables?
Yeah, oh, yeah.
I have the box of orphan cables and she just constantly throws them away.
And I'm like, why are you throwing this away?
You got to keep that in the garage because they don't go out there.
That's true.
That's true.
Yeah, but it's just the encyclopedic knowledge of these random things and exactly where they are.
Why would you need to know that?
But then I do need to know it and she knows.
But you think about the things that we know and they're probably thinking the same thing.
Why do you need to know that?
That's true.
Well, I don't know if we're allowed to say the T word on the Babylon B podcast.
What is the T word?
What is it?
You can always say flowerbed.
Do you have flowerbed?
I'll just say it and I can always flowerbed.
Oh, that's going to be flowerbed.
So Jess is going to be the first wife to be flowerbedded.
Okay, because when I will ask Ethan sometimes to describe why is Ezra this way, Ezra, who's 10, it's because he has testimony.
Flowerbed.
And then I'm just like, okay.
Ethan, can you control your wife?
What are those?
I'm a nurse.
Anatomy is my thing.
That word comes from the same root as the word testimony.
And so it's a very biblical word.
I place my hand in my right thigh.
That's how I swear.
That's from the Bible, right?
He swears on his.
Is that what that's referring to?
Yeah, I swear on my family, my manhood.
Testimony.
When you give your testimony, you are.
Wow.
You drop in the street.
Can we get Cynthia to fact check this?
This was confirmed by my lady reformed Bible study.
We talked about it last time.
I thought Bible studies, they just read.
An old lady taught you that.
I thought they just read Beth Moore books at Bible study.
Wait, you guys have talked about the T word at your Bible study?
Yeah, our churches.
There are a lot of older ladies in our church and they just like don't care.
Like, they're just like, oh, I'm here to disciple these younger ladies.
And we're like, oh, yes, thank you.
We had an old lady in our church last week who ended the pastor.
What was it?
No, he gives the benediction.
He's like, you know, may God go before you and in you and whatever it is that he says, you know, we love you and God loves you too.
We're sure glad you were here, you know?
And then the worship band's kind of just strumming and fading out.
And this old lady, she's hysterical.
Her name's Audrey.
And she's like an almost 90.
She yells out, don't forget to pray for Nancy Pelosi.
She's the lady that like huffs whenever the worship leader tells everybody to stand up.
She's like, that's me too.
She does love that.
All right, well, let's get into our main topic because, man, we are talkative.
And we're going to tell our stories.
So get ready for some romance.
And now, the Babylon Bees topic of the week.
We need some romantic music there and stuff.
Yeah.
Like, Dan, make a note of it.
I don't know what the music would be.
Barry White.
Should we go in order of who got married first?
We were 2007.
It's probably you guys.
2012 for us.
Or 2012, right?
13.
13, yeah.
I had to think about it for a minute, too.
Because we got married on the 12th, right?
It always screws me up.
Because our anniversary is 5, 12, 13.
Destiny always gets her anniversary wrong.
And I'm the one who remembers.
But there's a specific reason.
She doesn't get our day.
She doesn't get the day, right?
It's because.
Maybe we should give you guys two mics when you're telling your story.
His birthday is January 11th.
No.
His birthday is January 12th.
My point.
His birthday is January 12th.
And our anniversary is February 11th, right?
Yes.
So I always, which is today.
So I always get those days mixed up.
Not the months, just the days.
But yes.
So we met at, well, we're going to tell our story how we met, etc.
And we met at a Bible study that my cousin was hosting.
We would go and preach, do straight preaching like the crazy people do in Santa Monica.
Like you see Ray Comfort standing up there and doing the street preaching.
So we would go do that and then we would go back to my cousin's house and do a Bible study.
She wasn't at the evangelism thing because she had to work.
But I came back and it was your birthday.
Yes, it was my 20th birthday.
And my cousin said, hey, you know, let's call Destiny and we'll have cake and ice cream for her.
I didn't know who she was.
I knew Brian, your cousin, and Ryan, your brother.
Yeah, so she knew my brother and stuff.
So they call her over, and I'm like, I need to get to know this woman.
And then I left with another guy to go for a walk.
This is true.
But he was just a friend.
So Destiny goes, oh, does anybody want to go on for a walk?
And she's like, looking around, kind of looking at me, maybe?
Yeah.
You told me this.
Yes, I know.
She was kind of like, not that she was like, hey, to crush on me or anything, but she, you know.
I knew everybody else there, and you're the only person I didn't know.
And she's like, oh, I'm going to go to the house and I'd like to get to know people.
You know, like hint, hint.
And then my friend Kevin jumps up and goes, I'll go on a walk with you.
And they walked out.
And, you know, he didn't have romantic interest or anything, but he was just a friendly guy.
He's like, yeah, let's go.
So they go on a walk, and I'm like, oh, man.
So I didn't pick up on the hint.
But then she let me borrow her car, a random guy that she just met to go home because I had to leave before everybody else.
And so I took the car home and I left a note on the dash and I'm like, email me.
Here's my AOL.
Or add me on AIM.
Here's my AOL address.
You know, my AOL address.
Very smooth.
Yeah, very smooth.
My AOL address was something like, you know, punk rocker for Christ.
You know, whatever the, you know, we all had that as our early.
It was Pete Xer.
Screen name.
Yeah, something like that.
And so that was it.
I mean, and then we started dating and we got married a year and a half later.
So it was pretty quick.
But anything you want to embellish?
No, that's pretty much it.
Emphasize that.
I talked the whole time, but I feel like you should be.
No, that was it.
We talked.
That was how we met.
Exactly how we met.
We talked on AAM.
Did we ever go surfing together?
No, you always wanted, but you had to get up at like 5 a.m. and I wasn't into that.
But I would go.
But you would go with my brother and stuff and soon?
Yeah.
Yeah.
It was fun.
Good times.
That's our entire story.
That's everything there is to know about us.
Should we cross-examine them or anything or try to make sure it checks out?
Didn't I know you too, Dean, before I knew Kyle?
No, I remember we were having a sleepover, which we were do back in the college days.
All the guys would have a little slumber party playing video games and stuff.
And then one Saturday.
One Saturday, Kyle wakes up and he's all chipper.
He's like getting ready to go somewhere.
I'm like, oh, you guys want to hang out and do something today?
And he's like, no, I got a date with Destiny.
And I'm like, a date with Destiny?
What are you talking about?
I didn't know he was talking about a person named Destiny.
I was like, a date with Destiny.
Oh, that's weird.
I don't think he ever explained it to me.
I just said, oh, that's weird.
Kyle, and I don't want to mess this up, but I've heard, I think I'm understanding is that Kyle grew up much more kind of sheltered and churchy, like the churchy upbringing, and you didn't quite as much.
Has that ever been an interesting dynamic between you guys?
I think it really helps with our like in our relationship and our parenting skills because I, like I said, I didn't grow up exactly like that, but like my mom and I watched like the exorcist when I was like six years old.
So I'm like, oh, she learned a lot about spirituality.
So I'm like, oh, you know, the exorcism of Emily Rose.
Emmett, my oldest, likes scary movies.
So let's let him watch it.
And Kyle's like, you know, maybe, maybe not, maybe not.
So we kind of like go in the middle and we're like, okay, like something, like, let's watch Twister instead, PG-13, which Kyle wasn't allowed to watch until he was like 20.
I saw Twister when I turned 13 because it's rated PG-13.
And that's when I was allowed to watch PG-13 movies.
So, by the book, parents.
Yeah, it says right on the movie poster, 13.
It's right on the instructions.
Thanks, Brent, man.
Uncle Brent.
Yeah, so if I had my way, the kids would only ever watch Veggie Tales.
And so it's a good balance.
That's all my kids don't watch.
Yeah.
But not the ones with eyebrows.
Not the ones with eyebrows.
The original.
Yeah.
The ones that Ethan was involved with.
All right.
So let's hear Ethan and Jess's story.
Oh, you guys were after us?
No.
Sorry.
Who guys?
What's the order?
What's the order?
We're October.
Oh, no, no, you guys are 2012.
You're 2013.
Oh, 2014.
I forgot.
So they were both 2013.
Do you want to?
You probably tell a story better than I do.
I thought you.
No, they're 2012.
We're 2012.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's right, sorry.
Oh, yeah.
We had everything in one year.
So we started dating in February and we were married by October.
That is it.
That's the story of the story.
No, okay.
Oh, actually, Destiny is part of our story because she, like, is it a part of all of ours?
Yeah.
It is.
Matchmaker, matchmaker.
Right?
Kind of.
Okay, so Dan and I had been friends for a really, really long time.
Well, we knew each other back in high school.
And I probably saw you at one of Kyle's birthday parties, like second or third grade or something, but I don't really remember.
Or we wouldn't remember that.
Yeah.
And so for some reason, like he had just been on my mind or whatever.
And it was, we weren't close friends or anything, but I was just like, oh, I wonder how he's doing.
And then I was talking to Destiny one day and she was like, oh, what, like, what would you consider your type of guy or whatever?
And it was like this blatant.
I was like, I don't know, but for some reason, God's just put that guy, Dan Coates, on my mind.
She was like, hmm, he goes to church with us.
And I was like, oh, okay, maybe you should talk to him.
And then we like all ran into each other at Chipotle.
And then, so this is the Jesus Arms story.
Do you remember this story?
Oh, no.
So I was wearing a Henley shirt, which if you don't know, it's like, it's like Mormon lady laundry.
So it's like a long sleeve high neck shirt with buttons down the chest.
So I was wearing one of those.
And I ran, my friend and I, she was like, oh, I'm going on a date with whatever guy and whatever.
And I was like, I had just talked to her about Dan Coates.
And then we get out at Chipotle and he's in the car next to us.
And I was just like, oh, I don't have his phone number or anything or whatever.
I'm just having my cousin's wife, Destiny, like talk to him for me.
So you come out of the car and I'm standing right there.
And the button on my shirt popped off right then.
Clearly, it was meant to be.
Oh, and then you didn't know.
The Jesus arms thing that you're referring to is you didn't know how to greet me.
So you were like, you put your arms out like you're going to go for a hug and then you kind of put them back and you were like stuck in the middle.
I had an internal monologue.
So I was like, so glad to see him.
And it was so weird because I'd just been talking about it.
So my arms like went up, like kind of like halfway.
And I'm not a hugger.
So then I was like, oh, no, too strong.
Put your arms down.
So then I was just standing there with this like when Jesus says to the children, come into me and has his arms open stance.
And then I was like, okay, just slowly relax your arm.
And they went back down to my side.
And then later, I was like, Destiny, I totally messed everything up.
I remember this very clearly of her telling me this story.
And she just looked at me and she said, oh, yeah, you totally screwed up.
So we didn't start dating then and there.
You like, well, the way you tell it is that you were stalking me for a while.
A bit.
Because I just thought it was weird that I was thinking about you because we weren't close.
And then Dan didn't have any social media.
He takes breaks from social media, which is wise.
It is wise.
So he didn't have any social media.
And then I found him on LinkedIn.
He was like the like, do you know Dan Coates?
And I was like, what is happening?
And I was like, yes, yes, I do know him.
So we actually started talking on the in-mail on LinkedIn.
We had business.
Not then.
I don't know what's worse, LinkedIn or AIM.
Well, Insta Messenger.
I don't know.
But yeah, so we started talking, emails back and forth.
And then we decided, let's go for a date.
So that was like February, about this time of year, back in 2011.
No, 2012.
And then by October, we were married.
Yeah.
Yeah, so pretty quick.
Destiny was our bridesmaid.
I was in that wedding.
Pretty cool.
Sweet.
Congratulations.
Congratulations.
Let's move on.
It's interesting that we were quick, you were quick.
You don't have any questions for him?
We were very quick.
Cross-examine?
Well, I am wondering the quickness thing.
I'm wondering how fast you got.
Oh, how fast you got married.
But just, you know, it just seems countercultural, you know, because I know people date for.
Well, we had both gone to college already.
We both graduated.
We both graduated.
I mean, we were kind of, I was 26 when we got, I won't mention.
But yeah, I was 26 by the time I got married.
So, I mean, we were already kind of older.
I guess you were really old at that point, yeah.
I was really old by then.
Ancient.
Yeah.
Ethan?
Well, speaking of very old when you got married, I mean, I was, was I 31 or 32?
You're around there.
I think you're 32 at least.
Yeah.
Well, it was eight years ago, and you're 32.
I'm 39 now.
Man, time flies.
My beard has gotten so gray.
Lots happened, dear, in that time, that amount of time.
Indeed.
So we've always talked about writing a better story because we met on eHarmony.
So that's the really short version.
We met on eHarmony, then we got married.
Period.
Yeah.
Yeah, you need to come up with something better.
But I had been on eHarmony for like three years.
I had gone on a gazillion dates with a million women who were psychotic.
Whoa.
I mean, he was living in L.A., so there were a lot of psychotic agendas through it's like it's like trying to find like a good shirt at a thrift store or something.
It's just insane what you're trying to find.
Plus I was super picky.
Yes.
Something on there.
And anyway, so but how long were you on eHarmony?
You were like the third person I went on a date with.
Yeah.
So she third times the child.
But she had really a much lower standards than me.
Shut up.
My profile picture was just way hotter than yours.
Yeah, her profile picture.
Can we hear the story of the alphabetic dates?
Alphabetical dates.
Well, there's actually two like cute things.
I want to say this real quick because I saw her profile picture and my response was, she's way too hot.
She would never date me.
I'm not even going to ask.
And I didn't.
And then she asked me.
She said, she opened communication with me.
I was like, oh, okay.
So then my next thought was like, oh, she's probably crazy.
Which I'm not.
Okay, so when we first met, we met at a coffee shop and I got there first.
And I knew from Ethan's profile that he was kind of like a bigger dude from his profile picture.
So I see this guy in the corner with like a weird like hat.
He looked like Blues Traveler.
Yeah, yeah, totally like Blues Traveler.
Like identical.
And I like, I kind of froze from it and I was like, and like long greasy hair and like a trench coat and kind of that vibrant.
Like an Australia guy hat and dark like smoked lens glasses.
Yeah.
And I was like, oh crap.
Because you know, like sometimes they look even worse than their profile.
Like look at their picture and dial it back like 40, 30, 40% from that.
And usually that's how people look once you meet them.
And I like literally kind of froze for a minute before then he looked up and I looked at his face.
I was like, no, that can't be him.
I can't be him.
Oh, thank God.
So then I get my coffee and I go sit down and Ethan walks in.
Nervously.
He's like, did you already get your coffee?
And I'm like, yeah, I did.
He's like, oh, crap.
He's like, oh, it's strike against me already.
Yeah, in his mind, he just blew it.
And I'd already been on enough e-Harmony dates that when you meet somebody and they live up to their profile picture, they're that attractive.
I was like, nah, this isn't going to.
So I was just like, I'm not even going to try on this date.
And I already didn't even get her coffee.
So that was like another strike against me.
Yeah, he had this air about him of like a whipped dog.
He was like, I'm done here.
And then, so we sit down and we start talking.
And so it kind of like interwoven through our whole story is the fact that I'm divorced.
So I hadn't been on a first date in like years because I had been married for almost seven years.
And it was very, it was very frightening.
So on eHarmony, they give you this little tutorial or whatever you, I don't know what to call it, but it says 12 questions to ask on a first date, which I thought was really cute.
So I wrote, I hand wrote them down on this little tiny piece of paper.
So we're sitting talking and I pull out my piece of paper and I'm like, eHarmony says I should ask you these questions.
So he thought that was really, I guess you thought that was funny or you thought it was cute.
It's adorable.
So that kind of like broke the ice between us a little bit.
And then like partially partway through the date, which just so you know, like Ethan used to, his hands used to like shake when we were dating.
Like he was so nervous.
I felt like I was in a hidden camera show.
I couldn't believe that like she was dating me.
And I felt like at any moment, like Chris Hansen was going to walk in.
Oh, we have news for you, Ethan.
Here's Ashton Kutcher breaking through the door right now.
You've been pucked.
It's been elaborate.
It's required a lot of effort on my part to punk in.
I had been alone.
I mean, I just, my reality had been so different for like 30 years straight.
And suddenly it was so weird.
He'd be like, my blood sugar must be low.
I don't know what's going on.
He had like a million different reasons why his hands were shaking.
For all you overweight, awkward single guys listening right now, just wanted to know there's hope.
I'm like, just admit it.
You're just like so smitten with me.
You're actually shaking.
Like, it happens.
Like, you're not the first one.
I was very smitten.
I'm so smitten.
So then Ethan goes, okay, so I kind of broke the ice.
You might have to flower bed this one too.
But Ethan goes, I've got to go to the restroom and relieve some tension.
I like it.
No way.
That was so wrong.
So you were just dying laughing over because we were like in an awkward, I think the sentence was awkward or something.
I go, I'll go to the bathroom and just release tension.
My face hurts.
Yeah.
Okay, so then our first date, our coffee date, wraps up.
And he goes, Do you want to go on a second date?
And I said, yeah.
He goes, how about now?
What?
I said, okay.
It sound even more awkward than I think I was.
It's pretty bad.
And I was like, okay.
So then we went and got dinner.
So we had our first, our first date and our second date were all in the same it was like a six-hour date.
We just went on and on.
And he ordered, he ordered a club chicken club, which he like nibbled on.
He took like a bunch of stuff.
Yeah, I pretended like I don't eat that much.
And was like, oh, I'm full.
Genetics, man.
And that's just our first date.
And you did.
We did the whole alphabet to scare it off.
No, I did not get scared off.
Wow.
Yeah.
And I knew I wanted to marry her from that day on.
If anybody was going to get scared off, it would have been him because I had like the psycho X.
Yeah, that was the other words.
She had the psycho X and two kids.
Yeah.
And Ethan was just like.
We could talk more about the psychox and the subscription.
Pearly white.
Like, you know, no baggage.
I was just the complete opposite of this guy in every way.
Complete.
Yeah.
So then we dated for how long?
What was the date?
What was date K?
Oh boy.
Oh, so alphabetical dates.
Yeah, we went on alphabetical dates.
A, B, C. Some are really hard to remember.
I'll probably think of it later.
Date J.
Okay, so you guys talk about.
So what it was actually was on date E, Ethan said it this way.
Ethan is Jessica's slave.
That was why he said it.
And date J was Jessica is Ethan's slave.
So that was literally like how you told that one.
I don't remember.
You didn't say it right.
I'm correcting what you said.
No, but I told you that's the beard.
Yeah, that was the day you shaved your beard.
She made me go to a vegan restaurant.
And I instantly discovered that.
You regretted both, in my recollection.
You didn't like your food and you didn't like New How to Beard.
Did we do anything good that day?
Is that the day we went rollerblading and we went from Venice?
I didn't wear rollerblades, though, did I?
I don't know.
I can't stand up on rollerblades.
Oh, we biked.
Oh, yeah, that was the E-Date.
That was the E-Date.
Yeah, there's an eclipse on our E-Date.
The E-Date was amazing.
Crazy.
It was like all these people drumming in tandem at Venice Beach.
All the weird cult people.
Yeah, in like white clothes.
Staring at the sun.
And it was our E-Date.
And there was an eclipse.
Yeah, we were blown away.
God is all over this marriage.
I mean, you think God can just bring Dan up to you at Chipotle.
God can make an eclipse happen on our E-Date.
So if you're a little bit grown, now they have to come up with alphabetical dates.
If we needed all the women listening now have their standards raised.
I think the alphabetical dates are my idea.
I'm kind of a romantic villain.
Yeah, I was sort of like when we first started talking about getting married, Ethan's like, okay, I guess we're going to have to just have like skulls and like, like I was, remember?
That was the first time I said skulls.
It's your Pennsylvania accent.
Yeah, I have a Pennsylvania accent.
Because I was very anti-the idea of getting married again.
Yeah.
So when we first started trying to get away from that, you wanted to just go to like the Justice of the Peace and get like a court thing.
Yeah, I was like, oh, no, And the first time we went ring shopping, I was like, crap, I gave him hope.
Why did I do that?
I was like, no.
But it was a good decision.
I kept having to coax it out of her.
Like, well, just say, you know, when you were a little girl, what did you imagine your wedding would be like?
Because the whole idea of doing another wedding just freaked her out.
But I'd kind of keep coaxing out information from her.
Like, oh, well, there was a point where I did think that I wanted a string quartet or whatever.
Boom.
String quartet at our wedding.
Got it.
So eventually we worked it out, and our wedding was still probably the best day of my life.
It was just nothing to it.
It went perfect.
Like, it was just an amazing day.
Destiny's family was, not was, is Hispanic.
And her grandma was like, like, her grandma wanted the wedding to be.
Her grandma, Latinx.
And her grandma wanted, her grandma wanted our wedding to be like her dream wedding.
So it was like every decision Destiny made, she was like, You're not going to have puffy sleeves?
You know, who doesn't have puffy sleeves?
She says, Who doesn't have puffy sleeves at the wedding?
And then.
You will not slay the bull at the wedding?
Yeah, there will be no bull.
What is this?
And yeah, Mariachi wanted the mariachi band.
You don't have to regret that.
You're not going to have mariachi?
What kind of wedding is this?
So that's my whole story.
And no alcohol.
And no alcohol.
They wanted alcohol.
You're not going to have alcohol?
No corona?
Jess comes from a pretty teetotaler family, but we boldly drank alcohol in their faces.
Brutal.
We did.
All right.
Well, those were beautiful stories.
Our eyes are watering with emotion.
And let's do hate mail.
Okay.
Hate mail.
I really miss Adam Ford.
Is this really that long?
Well, so we got an email where somebody said they were mad about our article that said, Bernie Sanders praises China for eradicating poverty by killing all the poor people.
And they were upset that we didn't give any reference to where Bernie Sanders said these things.
He didn't say it.
He killed it.
He killed people.
Yeah.
And then this person says, if Bernie Sanders said these things, then he must be very stupid because no one would vote for him.
Or you don't mind submitting articles that lie.
And so then.
So then our support staff replies and says, We are satire.
And then they give us the about links and the satire links.
So you know that this is a joke.
And then we got this very long response back.
So basically, she says that her mom was very, her mom is a Christian and was very upset because she heard that Bernie Sanders said these things.
And then this is her.
Do we want the wives to read this?
You want to read the email in her voice?
Wow, that email is dead.
Let's read from the I Can Hardly Wait.
So, this is her mom believes, her mom believes that this is true, and then she finds out it's false, and this is her response.
So, who wants to start?
I can read it.
I can hardly wait to give her the good news in the morning that the Babylon Bee is a satirical Christian site, which means you can pretty much fit anything into quotes of any candidate running.
And the poor elderly or gullible people that don't actually understand that this site is just joking around in quotes, get to be horrified into voting for whomever you deem quote-unquote Christian-worthy.
This is gonna rock my mom's Christian world.
I don't remember Jesus ever having a satirical moment.
Oh, except for me that time in the temple with the money changers.
Yeah, hey, he was almost human-angry.
Maybe that's what you guys need.
Too bad God's son isn't available to slap y'all around a bit.
It's like you made a deal with the devil.
Satire gives you the license to lie.
Oh, we were just joking around.
Hilarious.
Try truth.
It's even funnier than satire if you can see it from a loftier and more allowing perspective.
Keep on babbling.
You're not helping anyone.
That's amazing.
That's brilliant.
I want quite a dramatic reading.
I want Jess to read all of our hate from now on.
Watch out, Dave D'Andrea.
She'll sit there and read Yelp reviews to me in her voice.
And one time she looked up, was it Twin Flames?
The whole concept of Twin Flames and all these people talking about it.
And she's reading it in these voices.
It's very entertaining.
Amazon reviews too.
She has great Amazon review readings.
This is what we do in our spare time.
Well, you want to hear Jess read some more Amazon reviews?
It'll be in the subscriber portion.
We're going to move on to our subscriber portion where we have some fun stuff.
We are playing the dating game where we have to answer things about our spouses.
And we're going to give you our ultimate advice: marriage and parenting advice that we've learned.
And maybe a couple truths.
And I said maybe cover a couple more B stories, but I'm not sure if that's going to happen or not.
So, because we talk a lot.
It's true.
All right, everybody.
Thanks for listening in.
Wives, say goodbye to the freeloaders.
Goodbye, freeloaders.
Subscribe.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Our family needs money.
If you want my wife to be able to afford fancy dresses and shoes and stuff, some stuff.
Oh, MLM stuff.
And her MLM stuff.
Essential oils.
Destiny eats Scentsy.
Do any of you guys want to advertise your MLMs before we go?
Come to the Desert Road Salon.
Come to San Antonio Hospital and get a heart catheterization.
You're going to get us doxxed.
Careful.
All right.
Goodbye.
Kyle and Ethan would like to thank Seth Dillon for paying the bills, Adam Ford for creating their job.
The other writers for tirelessly pitching headlines.
The subscribers, and you, the listener.
Until next time, this is Dave D'Andrea, the voice of the Babylon Bee, reminding you to go forth and love your wives as Christ loved the church.