Babylon Bee - Episode 18: Comedy Is Hard Work With Kellen Erskine

Oct. 11, 2019 - Babylon Bee

01:25:25

Episode 18: Comedy Is Hard Work With Kellen Erskine

Listen to this episode on our podcast page or subscribe on your favorite podcast platform here. In the eighteenth episode of The Babylon Bee podcast, editor-in-chief Kyle Mann and creative director Ethan Nicolle interview stand-up comedian Kellen Erskine. Kellen has been featured on other lesser-known shows such as Conan, Jimmy Kimmel, and America's Got Talent. He was also one of the comedians featured on the Amazon Prime docu-series Inside Jokes. They talk about the stigma of "clean comedy," navigating a commonly profane profession as a Latter-Day-Saint, and Kellen shares some of his showbiz horror stories and moments of inspirational triumph. Kellen's appearance on Conan Kellen's special Composed, on Amazon Prime Kellen's Website Kellen On Twitter Kellen on Instagram Also check out the new audiobook from Babylon Bee writer Frank Fleming, Hellbender Show outline with links... Story 1 - Kanye West Joins The Newsboys Story 2 - Media Horrified By Lack Of Violence At Joker Screenings Story 3 - Media Warns Excessive Forgiveness Could Set Back Outrage Narrative Hundreds Of Years Interview: Comedian Kellen Erskine Hate Mail Paid-subscriber portion: Kellen talks about bombing on Jimmy Kimmel and in front of Robin Williams. Ethan tells the story of his miserable attempt at an open-mic night. Ethan and Kyle answer a subscriber question about how satire is not always necessarily meant to be funny. Become a paid subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans
[Read More]

Large

Audio Only |

Scroll

Time	Text
	In a world of fake news, this is news you can trust.
	You're listening to the Babylon B. Here are your infallible hosts, Kyle Mann and Ethan Nicole.
	Reporting from their thrones, built out of Chick-fil-A sandwiches.
	Marian, this is a delicious throne.
	Oh, hello.
	We didn't see you there.
	We were just eating our Chick-fil-A thrones.
	Thrones.
	We have to have the servants come in and replenish the Chick-fil-A throne.
	Yes.
	Servant.
	That we sit in.
	We're clothed.
	Give me Chick-fil-A sauce, please.
	More Chick-fil-A sauce.
	I have a spicy Chick-fil-A throne and it's giving me a weird rash.
	So what's your Chick-fil-A order, Ethan?
	Spicy Chick-fil-A sandwich.
	Like two of them.
	And fries.
	You get the waffle fries.
	Yeah, I get the fries.
	I act like a victim.
	Like, oh, I guess you're going to throw those in.
	I guess I have to eat those.
	I do the same thing.
	I'm a chicken strip man.
	I do like those two.
	Like when we went recently to Chick-fil-A, you asked me for chicken strips, and then you're like, oh, no, no, because I ordered on my phone.
	And you're like, oh, no, no, the meal.
	I'm like, oh, so I added the meal, but I kept the chicken strips that I already added for you.
	And I'm like, oops.
	So then I ate those extra.
	Oh, well, I guess we've got to eat these extra chicken strips.
	Darn it.
	Sad.
	Did you see that story?
	I saw it on Discern News, which is Adam's news.
	Discern.
	Is that how you say that?
	Discern.
	I thought it was Disrat Now.
	Disrat now.
	Disrat now.
	It's kind of like now this, but it's Disrat now.
	There was a story of some Chick-fil-A guy that crawled into the manhole to get somebody's keys out.
	Like a customer dropped keys down a sewer manhole.
	And Chick-fil-A employees leaping down into the manhole to save the keys.
	I find it very problematic that we're using the term manhole still.
	Non-gender conforming person hole.
	The them hole.
	I can't remember what they call it.
	I think they call them maintenance holes in the maintenance hole.
	There's nothing good you can add hole to.
	I mean, I admit manhole is not a great name, but.
	The them hole.
	Yeah, it's just a hole for a human to go down.
	The human hole.
	The hole.
	Person hole.
	The person hole.
	Anyway.
	We've got a great show for you today, people.
	We got comedian Kellen Erskine coming in today.
	Awesome.
	I don't know how many people know about him.
	And I have to admit, I'm bringing him on because I'm a huge fan.
	For people that are huge fans, I think you're going to be excited to hear.
	But also, I think that our audience is going to love him because he's like a clean comedian.
	He's a Latter-day Saint.
	They don't like to be called Mormons anymore.
	Yeah, you can't call them Mormons.
	We'll ask him about that.
	It seems like a lot of syllables to force people to use, though.
	Yeah.
	Hey, Laddie, maybe Laddie or Ladder or Sainty.
	Can you just shorten it up?
	Yeah, it's like saints who were previously known as Mormons.
	It's like the prince.
	The Latter-day Saints, Saints who previously were known as Mormons.
	Until recently.
	Shorter.
	We're known as Mormons.
	Yeah, we're excited to have him on.
	I've seen some of his stuff on the Dry Bar comedy.
	Yeah, he's a dry bar superstar.
	I found him because I was just randomly.
	I'll tell that when he comes on.
	I'll tell him so he can blush.
	He's coming straight here from the temple in Salt Lake City.
	Straight on.
	But not actually.
	Riding an elephant.
	And usually we record the interviews at a different time, and then we pretend like the person just walked in.
	But this time we're actually trying to.
	It's actually happening.
	We're trying to time it where he'll walk in and we'll say, oh, hello there.
	Why don't you say that?
	There he is.
	So actually, we need to get him a chair.
	Nobody cares about this behind the scenes stuff.
	Yes, they do.
	They love it.
	You know who loves it?
	I love it.
	You know who loves it?
	Is that Frank Fleming?
	Hey, Frank.
	Is that Frank chuckling in the background?
	Hey.
	Our best writer.
	Speaking of Frank, Frank has a book out.
	Yes, he does.
	And he's not paying for this or anything, but we decided we would play a clip from the audiobook because it's really funny.
	He has his book, Hellbender.
	His book, Hellbender, and he just put out the audible version.
	So let's play a clip from Hellbender.
	Good job.
	That is not Hellbender.
	Excellent work.
	Once again, Hellbender.
	Sirens were going off, and Doug could see that something big was happening out the windshield.
	He went forward for a better look and could see a giant lizard creature fighting a giant robot.
	What's going on?
	Locke's forces are attacking the city, Rice explained.
	Doug watched the robot punch the lizard.
	So are we rooting for the robot or the lizard?
	I don't really follow politics.
	Rice shrugged.
	I don't like to take sides.
	There you have it.
	It reminded me of The Simpsons, and I'm sure that, you know, Frank's always inspired by The Simpsons where the aliens come down, and it's don't blame me.
	I voted for Kodos, you know.
	All humanity is enslaved.
	It's almost like there's a wider point to his satirical work there.
	It's as if he's getting something deeper.
	It's really funny.
	I haven't finished it, but the bits I read are just...
	This is his book where he completely went off the rails and just did whatever he wanted to do and he self-published it.
	He has this whole side thing where there's a person in training.
	I think it's a little girl or like a young girl being trained by this mafia guy, like how to be a mobster guy.
	And she keeps getting it totally wrong.
	There's all these funny little side stories.
	Anyway, read it.
	Read Hillbender.
	You can get the copy, hard copy or the Kindle on Amazon.
	And then he's got his new audible audio version out for those of you that like to listen to stuff, which should be all of you because you're listening to stuff.
	And you know a free advertisement's good because it's free.
	Because we're actually promoting it because we like it.
	Not that we don't like other stuff.
	We promote careful.
	All right.
	So with that, should we jump into our stories of the week?
	Let's go.
	Every week, there are stories.
	These are some of them.
	Kanye West joins the Newsboys.
	Oh, yeah, Newsboys.
	That's not.
	I don't know.
	That's DC time.
	Do I know?
	I'm trying to think.
	I never knew.
	And all the milk has turned.
	Toast has burned and all the milk has turned.
	And Captain Crunch is waving.
	They sing about cereal?
	Yeah, they don't serve breakfast in hell.
	They don't serve.
	What was their really, really popular one?
	Like the CCM.
	Take Me to Your Leader.
	Oh, yeah, I remember that name.
	Shine.
	That was them, right?
	Newsboy?
	Anyway, sorry.
	I'm sure everybody knows that.
	I wonder what you got.
	And then God's Not Dead.
	Yeah.
	Oh, that's them?
	Oh, yeah, because they got with Michael Tate.
	They got Michael Tate.
	Yeah.
	So I actually do an impersonation since you've been doing them.
	And on the inside, roaring like a lion.
	Yeah.
	So Newsboys, I feel like they've always been around.
	They're just this constant in Christian culture.
	They were like early 90s.
	I was never into them, so I feel like I don't know what to say.
	The only thing I have on Newsboys, and I'm afraid to get this out there, is that I heard from one guy.
	So this sounds like a guy that used to transport artists.
	And I don't know if this is true.
	This is a long time ago.
	Maybe it was in their height.
	Maybe they're having a bad day.
	This guy that used to transport Christian artists to their concerts, and he said that was like the one standout group that he said, like, he said they weren't very nice to him.
	You know, when we posted this article, a few people said that in the comments.
	Oh, really?
	So it's already out there.
	So I don't know.
	I'm scared.
	I don't want newsboys.
	And I'm sure Michael Tate's nice, and I'm sure this Kanye guy is nice.
	Well, and the lineup kept changing too because there was original newsboys with Peter Furler and then they started getting rotating in different guys.
	So it might have been different people.
	I don't know who's a jerk and who is.
	Yeah, who was the jerk?
	We don't know.
	But I'm sure there's guys in there.
	I'm sure a lot of CCM artists are like just in CCM for the.
	Yeah, I was wondering if there's somebody that's that duplicitous that they completely fake their faith just to get.
	Yeah, I don't know if it's fake so much as it is just they're just normal dudes and then now they're all of a sudden famous.
	Yeah, I think I think a lot of people, you're like 19 or 18 and you're this on fire little Christian, but like you haven't really thought through your faith and a lot of people go through their doubts in that phase.
	Can you imagine getting suddenly skyrocketing to fame as a musician and this like worship leader Christian prophet of music?
	Yeah.
	And if you if you decide to say anything like, you know what, I kind of doubt or I'm not totally sure or it's like, oh, okay, there goes my entire career.
	Yeah, and that's the bigger problem, I think, is that we elevate these people.
	Yeah.
	You know, when it's like.
	We should be talking about how they're jerks in hotel rooms and cars.
	The only one we should elevate is GK Chestergen.
	That's right.
	Yes, he should be.
	They're trying to make him a saint, but I got denied.
	Sad.
	Sad.
	Well, you know, Kanye West, though.
	So this is based on the true deal that he was like, he's like holding church services and worship services.
	Yeah, legit preaching.
	It's weird.
	I don't know.
	You know, it's one of those things where I'm hopeful.
	Yeah.
	But it's like at the same time, people jump on these celebrity bandwagons and then all of a sudden, you know, a year or two later, it's like, eh.
	Yeah, they're ready to have him be like the preaching.
	Like, wait, let's let Kanye preach.
	Yeah.
	But it is funny that people are like, yeah, he's faking it.
	You know, there's no way God would save him.
	And it's like, well, he saved you.
	Yeah.
	You punk.
	He saved a lot of messed up people.
	But he had like a legit, he had a preacher from like the Masters University, John MacArthur, or Master Seminary, John MacArthur's.
	That's where you went.
	Yeah.
	Wow.
	So he's legit.
	So he could have had you if you had gone through and finished here.
	If I'd finished.
	That could have been you up there instead of here.
	So I just have to write jokes.
	This is where you're going to end up, kids, if you don't finish college.
	Is it bad that I'm not sure if I've ever heard a Kanye West song?
	Yeah, the only one I know of is the.
	Because everybody says he's so huge, apparently.
	How could you be so heartless?
	You remember that one?
	That was like, I don't know, 10 years ago.
	You be so hard there.
	Yeah.
	I just listened to my old timey jazz and bluegrass.
	Well, that's true.
	You don't know any modern stuff.
	Sometimes these famous guys, I don't know them at all.
	Yeah.
	And then someone is like, oh, here's his most famous song.
	And I'm like, oh, yeah, I've heard that.
	Yeah, I've heard that.
	I heard that at Walmart.
	But I think his stuff.
	Yeah, Walmart.
	That's where you hear.
	I don't know.
	That's where all the kids listen to music these days.
	That's where all the Kanye's bumping.
	They're bumping the Kanye.
	I think his stuff is pretty explicit, so I don't know how.
	Oh, really?
	I don't know.
	I don't listen to that cussing music.
	Yeah.
	Just bluegrass.
	Yeah.
	Next story.
	Media horrified by lack of violence at Joker screenings.
	It's very disappointing.
	You know, after they hyped it all up.
	I know.
	They really got us believing that this is going to be like...
	Got all excited.
	Like the clown apocalypse.
	I had all my virtue signaling tweets ready to go.
	I had them all pre-drafted.
	You know, NRA, the blood is on your hands from this Joker shooting.
	And then nothing happened.
	That was very sad.
	I always feel like a little dirty when we're joking about shooting.
	Shootings, even though it's a shooting that hasn't happened, it's like a fantasy shooting that isn't even.
	A fantasy shooting.
	Like an imaginary shooting.
	Even that, like I still feel bad.
	I like the wrong fantasy shooting.
	That's pretty funny.
	That's like something that...
	That's what video games are.
	It's a fantasy shooting.
	Yeah, I don't know.
	It definitely felt like this.
	Like everybody was gonna it's like when there was the white the white nationalist rallies, they're hyping up, you know, and then 10 people show up, you know, and they get all disappointed.
	That's how it is, you know.
	It's just like I saw some meme someone did of the Pipe and the Frog, and he's painted up like the Joker, and then the media is like poking him with a stick.
	It's like, come on, do the do the shooting, come on, you know, it would have fit so well into the narrative.
	There was one article after Joker came out and they said they were reporting on someone that was thrown out of the movie theater for smoking a cigarette.
	It's like two people caught smoking and talking at Joker.
	Yeah, somebody pointed out that that would be like this would not even make the national news if it wasn't the Joker movie.
	Yeah.
	Can you imagine that coming up?
	Local news, right?
	Yeah, we need a local someone who was smoking the movie theater.
	Yeah, to me, like that was their, they got their, they got their murder.
	That was the murder.
	Well, it's a very slight 0.00016% murder because the person, whoever whoever breathed that in, you know, they died just a little because that secondhand smoke.
	Yeah, it's very gradual.
	So when that, when the other people in the theater die of lung cancer in like 50 years, they'll be able to run the story on it.
	First death from Joker.
	So if you think about it, anybody who smokes around other people is like a very small portion of a mass shooter.
	Yeah, but if you add up like the 0.01% they killed of all the people, they've probably killed like hundreds and hundreds of people.
	Or if you put all the smokers together in one room, it's like the biggest collection of mass murderers.
	If we go down this road, we could justify just going out and arresting or just shooting down anybody we see smoking.
	Or like people who die from stress.
	As if they are murderers.
	If you die from stress, like your boss killed you very slowly.
	It's true.
	So all the bosses, all the CEOs are murderers.
	It all leads back to Joker somehow.
	Yeah, it's all frankly, it's all Joker's fault.
	It's weird how they turned on Joker so much.
	Like, I remember there was everybody's so excited about it, and oh, it's so artistic and it's like a daring superhero movie.
	I think it was because the director, wasn't it in the director say something about how woke culture left movies mixed up?
	No, I think you're right.
	You said he can't do comedy anymore.
	I can't see comedy.
	I can't do PC culture.
	And they get real, they really don't like when you say that.
	So then they cancel you.
	So then they try to find something.
	So then suddenly it's like the Joker movie is going to make everybody murder people.
	Have you seen Joker yet?
	No, I don't have no interest in seeing it.
	Well, is this because you don't like superhero movies or is it just the particular one?
	Generally, don't like superhero movies.
	I mean, I'm just kind of bored by them.
	There's every once in a while there's one I'm interested in seeing.
	And then this one, it just looks dark.
	And I don't know.
	I'm just not into these.
	So movies like that.
	Adam Ford does not like superhero movies.
	Hates them.
	Love the Dark Knight trilogy, though.
	Yeah, Dark Knight was pretty good.
	And I didn't like the Dark Knight trilogy that much.
	Okay.
	And I love superhero movies.
	And he says Joker is a masterpiece, which makes me think I'm not going to like it.
	Because, well, I think it's one of those movies that just happens to be set in the Batman universe.
	But it's like it didn't necessarily need to be Joker.
	It could have just been a.
	Yeah, this makes me wonder if they just had psychoscript about some psycho guy and they're like, hey, throw the Joker on this.
	Why don't we paint his face like a clown?
	Perfect.
	Yeah.
	You know, ship it.
	Ship it.
	I don't know.
	Anyway, Joker.
	Joker.
	Be careful.
	Watch out because we don't know what's happened.
	Oh, and by the way, we're recording this earlier in the week.
	So if someone gets shot at a Joker screening, we don't think it's funny.
	Then I would like to just cancel everything that Ethan just said.
	And Kyle.
	Media Warren's excessive forgiveness.
	Can I try that again?
	Instead of five giveness or three givenness, it was four giveness.
	You know what?
	This was such big forgiveness that we're referring to.
	It could be five given.
	Five.
	It was big.
	Media Warren's excessive forgiveness could set back outrage narrative hundreds of years.
	So, this is referring to the Botham Jean and Amber Geiger trial.
	Yeah, this is the story where Brent Jean went over, his brother, the victim's brother, went over and hugged the police officer who shot his brother.
	Did I get that right?
	I think I got that right.
	Yeah, she's the one who went into the dark apartment thinking it was hers, and then suddenly she thought there was some guy in her apartment laying on her couch eating ice cream or something.
	I gotta say, sitting there in the dark, and she shot him.
	I don't know what's going on.
	I gotta say, I felt I was very like convicted, personally convicted, and like had to repent when I saw this image of the guy hugging.
	I don't know anybody who didn't.
	Well, that's the weird thing.
	Everybody I know cried when they watched this amazing video of him forgiving her and asking the judge if he can hug her.
	Yeah.
	But what we're talking about here is there's other response.
	Yeah, well, anyway, I was just saying, like, I felt like I was all upset at the police officer.
	And I'm like, oh, police officers think they can just kick down the door and shoot somebody.
	Ah, you know, she got justice, you know, and I'm like, ah.
	And then it's like, oh, the brother is like forgiving her, and I'm not.
	Like, what kind of a witness is that for him?
	You know, it's like, and all the people that saw that example of Christian forgiveness, I thought it was amazing.
	Yeah, hugged her for like a full minute.
	So what this article is referring to, though, of course, is that there were some people that were upset, actually upset at the forgiveness, which is, I didn't think this was real.
	Like, I thought, oh, okay, there's just probably a couple of fringe people that were upset for some reason.
	But like, this was actually a fairly widespread response, at least on, you know, Twitter and some of the woke websites like Vice and stuff or whatever.
	Yeah, there's two.
	I mean, there wasn't two sides to it, but there was kind of one that I really saw was that people felt like they were so mad that she didn't, that she only got 10 years.
	And, you know, so they then they felt like this kind of like piled onto that, that he hugged her too and forgave her.
	And then there was this whole other idea that he, well, with this guy, Bishop Talbert Swan, who I'd never heard of till this tweet, he just tweeted the story showing Brandt hugging Amber and said post-traumatic slavery syndrome.
	And it's just so bizarre to think that that's, you know, that Brandt is in some weird mental state where he's doing the wrong thing or something.
	Yeah, for forgiving.
	Yeah.
	There was this fear that white people were trying to extrapolate this, like, oh, you're forgiven for all your sins by black people.
	You're forgiven for all your racism.
	It's all black guys.
	Why people should do this.
	Or that, yeah, I saw people posting that, like, oh, you, you love this because you think that black people, what was it?
	Some response I got from somebody that I don't think that I think all black people, oh, that we should be okay with black people being killed or something like that.
	It was so bizarre.
	There's this weird attitude about it.
	And everybody has to take it to this thing.
	Like, it wasn't between Amber Geiger and Botham Jean.
	It was between blacks and whites.
	Right.
	And then also this hug was between blacks and whites.
	So it has to be we all own it and we all, it's, we're all part of it.
	And what I appreciated about this moment with Brant Gene was it didn't seem racial.
	It was like human to human.
	He was being human and he was saying, you know, I'm, I and I assume whenever I see like these light sentences happen, people always go to race.
	I mean, I assume a lot of the time, you know, we weren't there for the whole court thing.
	We don't know, you know, and maybe they made a good case that this was purely accidental shooting.
	I don't know.
	I wasn't there, but if he was convinced of that and he feels bad that she's going to prison or whatever, It makes sense.
	I mean, it's, I don't know.
	This is like deeper stuff from going on Monday morning.
	It's not Monday.
	Wow, it's actually Wednesday.
	I know.
	It feels Monday to me.
	I don't remember where I was going with that.
	Yeah, no, I get what you're saying.
	And yeah, and it's not necessarily that he was saying, well, it's okay what you did.
	That was the whole thing.
	There was a huge burden.
	Like his brother's dead, you know, and he's saying, he's not saying it's okay what you did.
	He's saying, I forgive you.
	And it's like, wow, you know, this guy who was actually harmed by, like, most of us weren't actually harmed by this.
	You know, we just saw it from a distance and we, you know, we said, oh, we took sides or whatever, but he was acting to forgive it.
	So it drives me crazy when people act like they can forgive on behalf of other people.
	Sure.
	You know, we forgive you for the murder of 100 people and we weren't there.
	Only Jesus can do that.
	But I do think as Christians, we think a lot more about what forgiveness actually means.
	It's just a topic that we bring up a lot.
	And so I think there's a weird disconnect with this topic between just kind of the secular response to it.
	Yeah.
	It's interesting because there's just no, I don't think there's anything in most of our minds that says that we expect someone else to do it or that it's right.
	And you know, yeah, that was kind of what people.
	Or that she's excused.
	Forgiveness doesn't mean you're excused.
	Well, that's kind of what people were assuming was like, okay, so you're saying that everybody, that you now expect forgiveness because of this.
	And I don't think anybody was saying that.
	There was an op-ed in the Washington Post I thought was pretty bad.
	And the headline was, White Christians do not cheapen the hug and message of forgiveness from Botham Gene's brother.
	And then in the article, it says, If white people expect all black people to extend forgiveness as quickly as Brant Gene did, then they understand neither black people nor black pain.
	And it was, it was that element of like trying to extrapolate this.
	Like you were saying, like seeing everything through this lens of, oh, this is a lens of race.
	This is a race issue.
	When it was just, it was a guy forgiving someone.
	And you're right.
	That harmed him deeply.
	And I thought that was that was really powerful if you look at it through a Christian perspective.
	Yeah.
	And when we had Kira on, Kira, I just blanked on her last name.
	Davis.
	Kira Davis on was one of our, I think it was one of our best episodes.
	It's one of the ones we've gotten the most.
	I think it may be the one I've gotten the most good feedback about.
	She talked about race on that.
	And then she made a great point about how we always get into this race stuff, race stuff, but at the end of the day, it's about sin nature.
	And it's all sin.
	We all just, we need forgiveness.
	Forgiveness is what we all need.
	And it's sin driving this whole distraction.
	And I think this is kind of a reminder of that.
	Like when I saw Brandt go for that hug, I didn't think of it as a black guy and a white woman hugging.
	I just, to me, it was like, to me, it was humans.
	I don't know.
	Not that I couldn't see color.
	I'm not saying that.
	Why can't we be colorblind?
	Michael Libby Smith.
	All right.
	Well, I think that's our story.
	Do you hear footsteps outside the door?
	Oh, wait.
	Is that Kellen Erskine walking towards us?
	Do we have something else?
	We have to extend it.
	We have to wait until he actually walks in the door.
	We do?
	No, I'm just kidding.
	So he's going to edit it.
	Oh, look, here he comes.
	We'll pretend that he's coming in right now.
	Hey, Callan.
	Hey.
	That was my impression.
	Very good.
	Presenting an exclusive Babylon B interview.
	And he's here.
	Kellen Erskine has stepped into the building.
	That was good timing, Ethan.
	Thank you.
	Hey.
	Why don't you say hi, Kellen?
	Hi, that was a great intro.
	I do like it when people get my name right, though.
	Did I get it right?
	Yeah, I have a really bad name for entertainment.
	Yeah, I think I've heard it before, so it helped.
	Well, I always know like if the host of a show doesn't ask me what my name is at least two or three times before he goes out or she, it's not like one time.
	So I was like, what's your name?
	I said Kellen Erskine.
	He's like, all right.
	And he leaves.
	And I was like, there's no way this is going to work out.
	He did his set and he's like, all right, welcome to the stage, Calvin Earthshine.
	Or even just Erskine.
	Erskine.
	Erskine.
	Oh, yeah, it's spelled Erskine.
	Because my last name's Nicole, and people all the time, as they're reading it, they think.
	His name can't really be Nicole.
	Last name, Nicole?
	That's weird.
	So then in their head, they're singing the head, and then they go, Ethan Nicole?
	Like they're trying to add like a little flourish.
	It's so weird.
	Yeah, that you're because that was my first impression too.
	And I realized that like culturally, we're just at a weird place that I never considered before.
	You're a man, so your last name can't be a woman.
	Meanwhile, most last names are men's name, but you never see a woman who's like, if her last name is like Stevens or Evans or Peterson, you never think, oh, but she's a woman.
	That shouldn't.
	Kyle's last name.
	I have the manliest last name of all.
	Man, just man.
	You can't get much more toxically masculine than so everyone in this family sounds like a superhero.
	Yeah.
	My wife is Destiny.
	So she's Destiny Man, which just sounds...
	That's awesome.
	Incredible.
	Yeah.
	We never got into this, but why didn't you, when you had kids, like name them all awesome stuff?
	We almost did a middle name Spider for our first, but then we're just chicken netting, though.
	Yeah, that's we chicken.
	You could have disguised it.
	Like you could have had like Bartholomew, and for short, it's Bat.
	Right.
	There you go.
	Beth.
	Have you thought about doing stuff like that?
	Yeah, or you make the funny, the middle name funny to kind of like, you know.
	Kyle is a, you could do it.
	Is a.
	Kyle is a man.
	That kind of.
	That's rough.
	Yeah.
	We have a legit stand-up comedian here.
	You gotta be up your game.
	My son, my newest son, the latest one, is the newest and most improved model.
	We named him Gibson, and his middle name is Gray.
	Gibson Gray.
	And that right there to me sounds so cool.
	Very super.
	I'm already, he's only two.
	I'm already telling him now.
	Like, if you're going to become like a novelist or like an actor, just drop Erskine because Gibson Gray sounds so good.
	Like, I don't care about the last name.
	It's so funny, like, watching stuff like Game of Thrones where through video, Jewel.
	Yeah, I was going to say, wait a minute.
	Thank you for clarifying.
	I said Mike Scratch.
	Record scratch.
	And for our homeschoolers, Game of Thrones is a, it's not a game.
	Secular television show.
	Highly secular.
	But the what, and not just in that show, but in general, like what last names have meant.
	Like, you know, you're, you're whatever it is.
	You know, if I was going to do that with the, you're an Erskine, Erskin's, don't do that.
	For a thousand years, Erskin's have lived in it.
	Like, it's just a name.
	Like, do whatever, you know, suits you best.
	Do you ever see someone like, or meet someone with a last name and you're like, you could just change that?
	Yeah.
	You know what I mean?
	Do you know what the origins of your last name?
	Like, because to me, Erskine sounds like a small weasel-like creature.
	Oh, thanks.
	I appreciate that.
	That's unfortunately.
	I have the weakest Patronus.
	No, it's Scottish.
	Okay.
	Oh, yeah, that makes sense.
	Erskine.
	Yeah.
	Okay.
	Patronus is a reference to Harry Potter.
	Oh, okay.
	I didn't know that.
	We're going to have to do this.
	That way I didn't laugh.
	He was like, oh, yeah, Patronus.
	You think we're being funny?
	It sounds like a cigar company.
	This is a recurring joke.
	So I'm not really a bad kind of thing.
	I don't know about Harry Potter.
	I don't know about Star Wars.
	I don't know about all the stuff you guys are into these days.
	I didn't get to read your intro.
	So yeah, who is Kellen?
	I don't even know.
	You never introduced him.
	Kellen made his stand-up comedy debut on Conan, November 2017.
	Does that mean that your very first stand-up gig ever was being on Conan O'Brien as your debut?
	First time I ever did amazing.
	How do you pull that up?
	That's crazy.
	That was my first late night.
	I did America's Got Talent before that, but it didn't go great.
	So I don't tell everyone about that.
	Oh, really?
	You want me to delete that?
	Oh, yeah, we got it.
	Dan, we had a new assistant.
	This is the first week we got.
	He wrote, he created an intro for us.
	Great.
	He also appeared on Jimmy Kimmel in the Amazon original series Inside Jokes.
	I watched that.
	That was great.
	He was also featured on season seven of NBC's America's Got Talent.
	Is that the one that went bad?
	Yeah.
	So how did it go bad?
	I want to hear.
	It was good that it was good for my first TV gig because it didn't, I was only on three episodes, but it was good for like just experiencing TV for the first time.
	And on reality TV shows like that, when they just always have cameras in your face all the time.
	And that's sort of like the disadvantage of the age of digital technology is that if this was film, like reality TV wouldn't exist the way that it does.
	It'd be much more authentic because what they have with digital is they just record everything constantly all the time.
	So then whatever narrative they want to tell about each person, that's what they give you.
	Even though they recorded, you know, easily 16 hours of me over the course of through interviews and b-roll and performance and everything.
	For America's Got Talent?
	For America's Got Talent.
	And that's just how it is for everybody.
	So they can get that like 15-second little like slice of life.
	Right.
	Yeah.
	So if they see someone that they don't really want to, you know, have them proceed on the show, then they will just show like five seconds of them being nervous or something.
	So you feel uncomfortable and you're like, well, this person isn't ready for this.
	Even though maybe they were just, you know, waiting to go to the bathroom or something like that.
	So it was good for me in that sense that I didn't get a lot of airtime.
	And it's a good thing because I was still growing as a comic at the time.
	I was happy to be on.
	But looking back, I'm glad that I did.
	So yeah, I was on for basically two and a half episodes and then I was off.
	Howie Mandel was one of the judges that year.
	This is 2012.
	And then a couple of years ago, I was doing a show in Santa Monica and Howie Mandel just showed up.
	This is just this random Westside Comedy Club in Santa Monica, just off the promenade, just this little club.
	And he went up right after me.
	I didn't even know he was there.
	But after his set, he came back to the green room and he was like, you are so funny.
	Why have I not heard of you?
	And I was like, that's right.
	So this is the first time.
	Remember this part.
	Yeah.
	I think we just, this whole interview, we just want you to tell us about all your greatest failures for just like a half hour.
	So here's the crazy end of America's Got Talent, just to show you how these shows work, even though I signed this thing, but I think it's been enough years.
	So I thought that I was going to move on because I had a good set both times, but they also don't show all of that.
	Yeah.
	Do you actually tell jokes to the actual judges?
	Like, did you actually later or like the first, you go through a bunch of like different steps of like first time the cattle call at the beginning when it's thousands of people.
	The judges aren't even there for that.
	They're just coming through.
	And you're just going from one room in a big auditorium to another one to a conference room and you're getting passed on from producer to producer.
	And if you make all of that, then they tell you that you're going to go there for the taping and the actual taping, they've narrowed 5,000 people down to 60.
	And then they do two, you know, two days of taping, and then that's made into whatever, an hour-long episode.
	So that's what happens there.
	And then, but the second episode that I was on, I got my, I went from San Francisco's second episode was in Las Vegas.
	That's the next round at the time.
	It's very different now.
	But the way they did it at the time is that the three judges sit there in this massive 2,000-seat theater and it's just them.
	Oh, that's awkward.
	It just doesn't work for comedy.
	It works for everything else.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Literally everything else, it works.
	If you're a juggler, a dancer, a singer, you're not looking for a reaction every 10 seconds out of a crowd.
	You do, everyone else does it to silence, and it's fine.
	But as a comic, it looks like you're bombing.
	And that's what it looks like to everyone on TV because you're just telling a joke and then it would show the judges.
	Yeah.
	Even if they're laughing, it looks like you're bombing because you're in this giant place.
	Only three people left if you joking.
	So I said, Yeah, like I walked everyone.
	So I did, they gave me 70 seconds.
	I did like four jokes and they laughed a few times.
	But when they showed it later, they just showed one joke and then they just showed a joke that actually did well.
	But then they just showed a clip of them sitting there.
	And that's what I'm talking about.
	Well, the way that they can kind of massage things is that people see, oh, the judges didn't even laugh rather than people just making up their own mind.
	Oh, the judges didn't even laugh at that.
	It doesn't deserve to go on.
	So I thought I was going on because I did well in front of the three of them.
	Three people.
	And then I didn't.
	And at the time, I was ignorant.
	I thought it was going to change my life.
	I had a very different perception of what these shows could do for you.
	And they can if you make it all the way to the very, very end.
	But I thought that like two or three episodes, this is going to be my, you know, my thing.
	And maybe I can make it a little bit further.
	But I thought I was going to make it on.
	I didn't.
	So I was upset.
	And so I walked out.
	I go back to the big room where everyone else is and waiting to get up.
	And this woman comes up to me, one of the interviewers, and she's like, she seems to be very concerned because I was disappointed.
	And I had to go back to my family and tell them because the show hadn't aired yet.
	So they wouldn't see it.
	I would just go, oh, I was about to call my wife and say, I didn't make it.
	I have to fly home now.
	I thought I was going to go to New York.
	So I'm in this emotional state, still working the day job.
	All of this, dreams crushed.
	They want to get you breaking down.
	Yeah, but I'm so vulnerable in this.
	And this is what happens with so many people.
	They do this on purpose.
	It's very designed, which is gross.
	She comes up to me, how are you doing?
	Are you okay?
	And I'm just, I'm telling her, and not remembering that I'm like, I'm mic'd and everything.
	This is all on purpose.
	So as I'm saying, you know, I thought, I thought this was going to change my life.
	You know, I'm on the verge of tears.
	And as I'm saying that, in my peripheral vision, I see this boom mic just slowly lowering into view.
	That's fantastic.
	And I was like, what?
	And they had a camera off in the distance that's just zoomed in that I couldn't see.
	So it's almost like hidden camera emotional moment.
	Yeah.
	And that's what they want to get.
	And they're just like pulling it out of you because that's compelling.
	They did.
	Yeah.
	And it's buried somewhere on YouTube that I hope nobody ever finds is this moment where I'm just like Dan.
	Can you go looking for that on YouTube?
	Consistent, go find that clip.
	But it's just so gross because they're in the show notes.
	They do that with people all day.
	People who have just been like, yeah, feel like their whole life has been shattered.
	And luckily, I've done enough stuff since then that I realized in the scheme of things that that didn't really matter.
	But at the time, I thought my world had, you know, had fallen down and they just want to grab every part of it and show it to everyone.
	Yeah.
	It's just.
	When I was in junior high, my friend, who was kind of a dork, I was a dork too.
	We were dorks.
	The most popular girl in class asked him to the dance.
	And then when he went, it was just so they could all laugh at him and just humiliate him.
	And I feel like a lot of these reality shows are like, it's like if all those kids that set that up together, like were given a big budget.
	How can you bring this bigger and make it we can all join in?
	That's so true.
	Not completely.
	And there's those inspiring stories, but those feel so manufactured too.
	But anyway, it's got to be fascinating to be part of something like that.
	I'm not done with your bio, though.
	Okay.
	Give us more failures.
	He has garnered over 30 million views with his clips on dry bar comedy.
	That's like the whole population of the United States.
	Well, that's that 300 million?
	Yeah, it's like 10%.
	It's like a lot of people.
	Like 7%.
	That's like all the Mormons, at least.
	We haven't mentioned that Kellen is a Mormon.
	Excuse me, Mormons is a very triggering term.
	Okay, we can't say Mormon.
	I'm so sorry.
	Latter-day Saints, who until recently were known as Mormons.
	Previously known as Mormons.
	That's the only reason I wanted to have you on because I saw you on, because we mentioned this on here, the show Inside Jokes on Amazon.
	Yeah.
	And I was told.
	I'm also watched through Vid Angel.
	Okay.
	Because I'm the only clean comedy.
	You're the one clean comedy.
	Those of you who are.
	That's what I loved about it.
	I was so fascinated by.
	I could relate to it so much.
	Not just being somebody trying to be funny and but you know, having faith and like not just being somebody who has, you know, the gates are down.
	You can just, I'll make any joke, be as offensive as I want.
	But your relationship with your wife and your family, when you're making this pursuit, that's you're not going to try to do real estate or some job that's more like there's a structure to it.
	You get this degree, you go get this predictable end result.
	You're not getting a real job.
	It feels like, yeah, it can feel like you're wasting your.
	I mean, I'm saying it as a brother in that, right?
	I could relate.
	There were moments in that show when you were on there.
	I was crying with you, or I knew you weren't crying.
	I just, I was.
	But when you were talking about that.
	Your wife has got talent?
	No.
	I've cried on a lot of TV.
	So I get them all mixed up.
	Nice.
	We'll make a compilation of all your crying moments.
	But no, when you were, and it's been a while since I watched it, but just, yeah, reaching out to your wife, the support that she had for you.
	But I could feel your vulnerability when you felt like you weren't going to make it.
	And I think the moment that you got the call and you found out you were going to be in Du Montreal spoiler alert, that's what the show's about.
	It's about these comedians ruined getting making it to the biggest comedy festival or whatever in the whole world or something.
	But maybe that whole crying moment was manufactured and you found manipulated Ethan.
	Yeah.
	Was it real?
	No, that was, yeah, that was real.
	Yeah, I was pinching my leg really hard to make it happen.
	But I like how you built that up and then just discredited all of it.
	Because you're like, you know, you didn't think you were going to make it.
	Then you found out you're going to make it into the biggest comedy festival in the world or whatever.
	I don't know, something.
	Whatever it is.
	You made it into something.
	Is it in the world?
	I don't know.
	I don't know.
	Yeah, I know it is like the big, every comedy.
	There might be bigger ones in, you know, Pakistan or something.
	Hong Kong.
	Yeah, they're big ones.
	North Korea.
	North Korea is big on Sun.
	Stand up originated in Mongolia.
	So other than that, and I saw that you bounce your jokes off your wife on that show.
	I do.
	I'm curious about that process because I'm terrified to bounce jokes off my wife.
	I think we've talked about this on this show.
	Yeah, my wife doesn't think I'm funny, so it doesn't work.
	Well, yeah, she's unfortunately, she's a pretty accurate barometer, too, because I mean, she will laugh when she sees when something is funny.
	But yeah, on that show, the only show, like, I try like five or six things.
	And it was a very, very real moment where she's just like, you know, but that's the beauty of a good joke is that even someone who doesn't necessarily want to, laughter is an involuntary response.
	So in a way, it's almost the most honest thing you can say to someone without speaking.
	If a laugh just comes out, then it's like you can't lie about.
	And I know what her fake laugh would sound like anyway.
	So when it does happen, it's like when you're trying to make someone laugh or that game, you're trying to make your kids laugh, who can make each other laugh.
	Like you, there's, it's undeniable.
	It just, it comes out even when you're trying not to.
	So yeah, it looks, it can kind of look like she's just trying not to make me feel good about myself, but she's essentially protecting me.
	Yeah, no, no.
	I didn't take it that way at all.
	Oh, when I saw that, I was like, man, because I remember when I was working on my own, I was working on trying to do stand-up comedy.
	I was mainly just writing a ton of ideas.
	We talked about this a little bit when we had lunch before we had this podcast.
	But the thought of reading those to my wife, I don't know why, terrified me.
	I didn't want to find out they're bad, maybe.
	I think that's it.
	Just being a noob.
	People want to, I think that's why Twitter is so popular, too, is because people who people can just tweet jokes out there and pretend like they're just killing it, you know, without without actually getting a response back or hearing anything.
	That's true.
	It also works in a reverse-engineered sort of way, where I won't intentionally be coming up with a stand-up joke, but my wife and I will just be in conversation and I'll say something that'll make her laugh.
	And I think, oh, that might work, you know?
	And so I'll write that down.
	And that isn't always true, too.
	Sometimes I try and prove her wrong.
	Like, I'll be so committed to this idea that I think is funny that she won't laugh at it.
	And I'll try it out anyway to be like, well, I'll show you.
	And half the time I'm like, okay, fine.
	You're right.
	I remember, I think Jerry Seinfeld one time said that Twitter is like his nightmare for telling jokes because you don't get any response.
	You can be like putting something out there and just, I think that was funny.
	I don't know.
	Yeah, it's tough.
	No, and I like, and I'm susceptible to like, if I only get a certain number of likes, I pull it down because maybe it wasn't good.
	You know, it's a very, it's weird, but it's also, it's kind of like that I hate it, but I have to use it because it's a way of getting myself out there.
	You know, you kind of have to use whatever medium you can, even if you hate them, like podcasting.
	Yeah, amen.
	Agreed.
	That's something I find fascinating about Norm McDonald because he, I don't know if he just decided to do it when he went on Twitter, but because I think his jokes are so based on his delivery.
	I don't know how many, I've seen him post some of his jokes in Twitter format, and they definitely don't, they're not as funny.
	But he just went full-on serious on Twitter pretty much.
	He hardly ever jokes on Twitter.
	Yeah, it's odd.
	And half the time he like predicts like sports outside of golf games and stuff.
	Like, whatever, this is for me, which I kind of like that about it.
	Like, he's just, I don't care.
	This Twitter's for me.
	It's not for my career.
	Yeah.
	Maybe he doesn't even know that people can see it.
	Maybe he doesn't know it works.
	He thinks he's sexing somebody.
	His own little gambling diary.
	Because I don't like who is retweeting like Tigers now.
	I'm on a Power 3 hole.
	But then you always get hundreds of retweets, too.
	When someone makes some celebrity just says something mundane and they'll get like thousands of retweets.
	You're like, who's Mark Camille?
	Anything he says.
	Oh, yeah.
	Justin Bieber, one time, he put Hello June on the first of June.
	Oh, my God.
	And I got like 2 million likes.
	And I was like, I just spent like an hour polishing my dumb joke that gets two retweets.
	Sad.
	I think you're funnier than Justin Bieber.
	Just to say.
	Thank you.
	You're welcome.
	Everyone needs an ego boost.
	You could put that on your next, like, your review from your next comedy special.
	Funnier.
	Funnier than Justin Bieber.
	Kyle Mann, editor of Babylon P. I'm still not through this bio.
	Oh, yeah.
	It's a long bio.
	We got a long one.
	This is our new interview format where we just slowly read the bio and make it through the bio with his signature laid-back style and intelligent material.
	Oh, wait.
	How old is this bio?
	Did you write this, Dan, or did you find this?
	I think he copied it.
	Oh, man.
	This isn't off my website, though.
	He has been named one of the top 10 new comics to watch for this year's New York Comedy Festival.
	Is that this year?
	That was in 2017.
	So this is my website has a bio that's updated.
	Oh, damn.
	Dan's fired.
	And you're fired.
	Did you guys start?
	Has this been two years in the process of getting me here?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	We wrote this bio two years ago in hopes that you would.
	We've been messaging you on Twitter and you just kept not responding and ignoring me.
	Did Twitter exist in 2017?
	No.
	Apparently, because I mean, people are getting their old tweets dug up from like 10 years ago.
	Yeah, yeah.
	So it did.
	Do you have any old damaging tweets that we can dig up?
	I don't.
	That is something.
	I auditioned for SNL last year, and it did cross my mind.
	You apparently weren't racist enough.
	I didn't have anything.
	Yeah.
	There was nothing in there.
	I was like, I wasted when I found out that I didn't get it.
	I was like, I wasted all that time back scrolling through Twitter.
	Like when I was on my Southwest flight, paid eight bucks for that Wi-Fi.
	I tried to search through my own tweets, and they're just incredibly boring.
	Right.
	Just incredibly.
	That's all I did.
	I ended up deleting a few and then saving a few to reuse now that I have more followers.
	That's all.
	That's so smart.
	And you waste the old funny jokes when you have like 200 followers.
	Right.
	Yeah.
	And now that I have 1,100.
	Now, isn't that weird?
	Like people's perception of things, like you're on a TV show on Amazon.
	1100 followers but Twitter's like Twitter's a much tougher animal than a lot of people realize It takes a certain kind of person to get like crazy follows on there.
	It's weird and it's interesting, the whole concept.
	I actually do have 3,076.
	Off the top of your head, I don't want to be too self-definite.
	Rounding up now how specific that was.
	But I don't.
	I'm going to verify.
	But it is interesting to see.
	Okay, 72.
	Dan can verify.
	But it is interesting to see how differently different things matter, like this some and what the currency of each social media thing is.
	And like I said, I don't like it, but I also have to pay attention to it at the same time.
	YouTube's the same way.
	Like Facebook is kind of becoming the new YouTube.
	So now a video that, you know, that would have gotten 40 million hits, a Villa views, it gets like one and a half million, but that's the new 40 million, you know what I mean?
	So it's just constantly changing.
	So what I'm saying is don't judge me.
	I just followed you and became your 3075th.
	Oh, yeah.
	That means I lost two and just gained one.
	That's always how it is.
	I try to say something funny.
	I'm like, oh, I'm going to get some shares.
	You get some followers and then I lose followers.
	So I don't know.
	The trick of Twitter, it seems like, is taking stances on things that are device.
	Yeah, you're supposed to be on the right side of something.
	Somebody's like, yeah, I agree.
	Well, and the crazy thing, too, is that you don't need something to be amazingly funny.
	What you need is a more famous person to retweet what they thought was funny.
	That's the crazy thing.
	Like when I was on, when I was on Conan, Seth Myers retweeted me the next day.
	And I know that it wasn't a coincidence.
	He had to have been watching because I know he's good fans with Darcy Cardin and with her husband.
	So, but the tweet that I had that day, like if I, if I knew that was going to happen, I would have changed it because it wasn't a great, it was maybe a B B plus or whatever.
	It was some dumb thing about like, I think that I bet that dogs are way too excited on their way to go dog sledding for the first time.
	Sounds exciting to dogs.
	Yeah.
	I have a ton of jokes that are better than that.
	But that one ended up getting like way more retweets than I'd ever gotten.
	I got way more followers than I've ever gotten because one guy who was more, like I said, I had plenty of jokes that were way better than that, but because none of them got noticed.
	So I think that is what happens in Twitter.
	I mean, if you're in a movie or something like that, that's just going to happen.
	But growing on Twitter just on Twitter, it's just from people that are much more popular than you retweeting one thing and boom, everyone else was like, oh, this guy is funny.
	Yeah, yeah.
	There's a flip side to that too, because I've had, you know, because I got some, if we're name dropping here, Nick Offerman is a good friend.
	And when he, because he did the voice of Ax Cop for me.
	And when, so every once in a while, if I need something shared, he'll retweet it for me.
	That's great.
	And it's amazing the guy with that many followers that's that famous.
	A lot of times it doesn't really weird.
	So I do think that, you know, probably there was still an element to your joke that was funny enough that it helped.
	He gave it a boost, but I think it we, I mean, that's what we do all day, the weirdness and the fickleness of what gets shared and what doesn't on the internet.
	That was your one name drop for the day, by the way, Ethan.
	Ethan's always name-dropping people in Holland.
	I was like, oh, yeah, me and Nick Offerman hanging out.
	He's my one name drop.
	That's all I got.
	That's it.
	I'm going to read Kellen's tweet.
	Okay.
	Okay.
	Dog sledding must sound really fun to a dog on his way to do it for the first time.
	That's good.
	I ruined the delivery.
	You're butchering it.
	Butchering it.
	You got to do it.
	But he got 143 retweets.
	You got it.
	That was all on a signature laid-back style.
	Dog sledding must sound really fun to a dog on his way to do it for the first time.
	Was that better?
	Was that Kellen?
	Was that Kellen-esque?
	How would you deliver that?
	How would you deliver that joke?
	I've never said it out.
	That's not a stand-up.
	I don't see that.
	Dog sledding.
	I don't even know.
	I can read you my newest one.
	I finally got to rehearse it.
	And I think that's the thing, too, that's tough is seeing something do well.
	And then a year goes by, and that's still your pinned tweet.
	By the way, this sounds so petty now that I'm talking about it out loud, but I do spend a lot of time on this because it's so, is it important?
	But so my newest one, I finally got to replace it.
	And it's, I'll say this one with my with my voice.
	Now I'm all self-confident.
	How do I talk?
	I don't even.
	Surely.
	I order ginger ale on airplanes like they don't sell it anywhere else.
	It just feels special.
	That's about 80 retweets worth of laughter from you guys.
	See, now I'm, I don't know who.
	Well, we need, we need to make the delivery more awkward.
	Like we need to be about 12 inches away from each other instead of like three feet away from each other.
	And that way it's just weird to sit in a room with someone.
	Like when I'm trying to come up with headlines and ideas and I'm pitching them like these guys, I'm like trying to read the headline and they're just like, huh?
	And I'm like, oh, half the time Kyle's got his headphones on.
	I'm like, never mind.
	It's gold.
	I know it's gold.
	I'm just running with it.
	Well, there is, it is interesting the idea of like of reading a headline because there is no tone of voice.
	I think that's where a lot of the humor comes from and the way that those jokes are designed are more toward that.
	How would someone read this rather than how would someone hear this?
	And the same with The Onion.
	I watched the movie that they did a few years ago, which was terrible.
	Yeah, The Onion movie or something like that.
	And I realized that so much of that humor just comes from reading.
	Sometimes I don't even like pictures.
	I just love reading.
	And it's so funny because, yeah, of what you create in your head, it's like Stephen King, when he's talking about description, is that your job is not to describe everything.
	It's to lead someone just far enough where they fill in the rest.
	They fill in the rest.
	And that's what I try and do with a lot of my jokes too, is just saying enough.
	And yeah, it's kind of treating them, be more intelligent, right?
	And people feel me about, like, I have this joke about the map of the United States and how it looks like we were colonized the opposite way from east, like from west to east.
	Because like if you look at the map, it looks like there's one guy in charge of designing the whole thing, but his boss just gave him an outline of the country and said, you got to fill this in with 50 states starting from the left side.
	And the guy's like, oh, yeah, there's plenty of room.
	Yeah, I saw that on your special.
	I love it.
	That is a great example.
	And it's, yeah, and that moment that like laughter will start and then it'll grow and that's cool feeling.
	Yeah.
	And it's so much more fulfilling, I think, for both of us because it's not because there is another way to tell the joke where I just say, have you looked at a map?
	It gets all big on one side and then small on the other, like a guy was running out of room.
	And it would still be funny, but it's not as funny as just sort of hinting up to a point.
	And then, yeah, so I try and write more jokes like that where it's, you know, just really, really smart stuff.
	You know what I mean?
	Super.
	Super, so intelligent.
	Well, yeah, it's really brave of you to rely on Americans' knowledge of geography for a punchline.
	It is a limestatus.
	And I'll say that joke kills two-thirds of the time.
	And I tell it pretty close to the beginning of my act, and I can kind of tell how the rest of it's going to go out.
	How smart that crowd is.
	You can just throw in the towel after that.
	Yeah, our house sucks.
	All right, guys.
	Good night, everybody.
	I will explain every joke to the death from here on out because you guys didn't get that one.
	Daniel Tosh has a great line because he's very good at that too.
	Where he starts a joke off that is supposed to be the whole joke.
	And then he goes, all right, I'll feed you baby birds.
	And then he explains the rest of it.
	Spoon feed it.
	So, I mean, you do clean comedy.
	Do you see that as a handicap?
	Or do you see that more as like a creative challenge?
	How do you look at that?
	Luckily for me, it's just who I am.
	So it's not like it was never like, I'm going to be the clean comedian.
	So they can whatever, get corporate gigs, which is fine.
	I do.
	And I'm available.
	Etailing at gmail.com.
	It's the clean comic at Gmail.
	That's not his email speech.
	That's the other thing.
	I don't.
	I am clean, but I don't like the stigma.
	I don't like the label of clean comics.
	So I am.
	I enjoy a comic like Nate Bargazi, where after you watch him, you're like, oh, yeah, he didn't swear.
	He didn't talk about it.
	But you're not thinking during his set, like, oh, I bet he does really good at birthday parties for kids.
	It's just there.
	And so that's what I strive for.
	Do you do birthday parties for kids?
	I am.
	My base rate is three grand.
	But I so it's just who I am.
	And when I was in the beginning, I did not so much of the dirty stuff, but the stuff that like I made the mistake of just trying to joke around with what I thought maybe an audience would think is funny.
	And a lot of beginning comedians sort of do that.
	What would a comedian do?
	It took me years to like ironically get to the point where I'm just making jokes about what I think is funny.
	And I cut out the ones that people don't like because ultimately the audience is the editor.
	But I want to at least have my part in this, you know, this, like when, not to compare myself to like Picasso, but when he was painting, it was never like, wow, what do the masses really love?
	This is, you know, it's just you do your thing and whatever, whatever works will naturally stick.
	And for me, you know, I keep that.
	And for artists, it's, you know, they see their paintings go up in value and they didn't Really have a full say in that.
	No, no artist would be able to predict this one will go up for auction at half a million.
	This one will do 30.
	And so, yeah, for me, for stand-up, it is, I mean, and I was raised, and I still am, you know, a member of the Church of Jesus Christ Latter-day Saints.
	So I was raised in an environment where, you know, we didn't curse.
	And it is funny.
	I will admit that there were some shows early on where I tried and it just didn't work.
	It doesn't sound right because it's not even, it's like, it was like, you know, someone, like a kid who learns a second language in their household because both of their parents speak different languages and they grow up speaking with no accent.
	Versus like if you just started, you know Mandarin right now, and like a like a cop who's really bad at trying to go undercover, and like a drug dealer or something.
	Yeah like, hey guys, what sort of uh cocaine do we have in boxes today?
	How many drugs may I purchase from you, sir?
	Yeah it's, it's the same thing.
	So just, it didn't uh, it didn't work out and so, and like I said, it wasn't just uh the cursing, it was uh, but it was just topics in general that it sounds very contrived.
	If it's not what you actually think is funny, you're just yeah, you know it's uh the that makes sense perspective.
	When you start out, you like you go for what you think people are gonna laugh at right, and that is the thing I think that's an exciting about almost any art form is that when you start really making something you love and that resonates wow, like i'm not alone yeah, pretty awesome.
	Which, on that topic like, are you?
	I don't know of you.
	I don't know of a lot of latter-day saints who are stand-up comics.
	Is that?
	Are a lot of them just closeted, or are there a lot of closeted comments, or was it a lonely thing, like a pursuit for you?
	Is that like a lonely person?
	No, there's a ton.
	I'm just the only good one.
	So no, there's.
	You have like Mormon nightclubs or Latter-day Saint nightclubs, latter-day saints.
	I was just curious if you have like a whole comedy set just for Mormons, of jokes, only Mormons?
	Oh, not at all.
	No, I don't, no more.
	Yeah, and that was the thing I don't have, and I never wanted to be labeled as like the the Mormon comic either.
	And, by the way, there are plenty of like really, that's the name of this podcast THE Mormon, THE Mormon Comic, THE Mormon Comic, THE Mormon Clean Comic.
	Just pigeonholable for parties right yeah, after this show, i'm only gonna get hired for Mormon corporate birthday parties.
	Um no, and it's not that i'm like ashamed, I just I didn't want to be pigeonholed and I I feel like uh, there are plenty of other things to joke about it's.
	It's a similar reason for why I don't talk about uh, you know, sex or other topics like that, like there are a trillion topics to choose from, so i'm just going to avoid a couple of those, because I want to talk about what I think is funny to me.
	And, by the way, I wouldn't say like if there was a um, a member of the church, you're Christ, Latter Day Saints who, who did who?
	That was their thing, or like that was the thing that make that made them laugh the most was talking about church.
	That's fine and maybe they'll be good at that, but they're also only going to appeal to a worldwide audience of so many.
	You know what I mean.
	It's such a small facet Asset of the entire world.
	And I feel like it's fun to be able to make other people laugh too.
	And I want fans in every, no matter what their, whatever denomination, you know, if any at all.
	That's not my, I haven't, you know, it's not my mission.
	I will say Ryan Hamilton is amazing.
	He is, he's another member of the church.
	He's killing it right now.
	He's got a Netflix special.
	He's yeah, the smile guy.
	So there are, there, there's a suspect the property brothers are Mormons.
	Anybody brothers?
	Property brothers?
	They're not comedy, not comedians at all.
	It just came into my head.
	I feel like LDS people can recognize other LDS people.
	Property brothers.
	LDS or no?
	I don't know.
	They feel like they're from some.
	Let me see a picture.
	Are they chiropractors or dentists?
	Because that will be a little bit more.
	They're real estate guys.
	They're on HG TV.
	They're from the Twin Brothers.
	Okay.
	Yeah.
	Anyway, that's a total side.
	But I didn't, I really want to hear like just doesn't have to be a super long epic biography, but like just that.
	How did that start?
	Like, I don't know what you thought your life was going to be.
	Did you want to be a stand-up comedian from the beginning, sitting in your Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?
	We're going to shorten it.
	Maybe we could come up with a Church of Latty.
	The Latty Church.
	Saints.
	I wish I had that story.
	A lot of comics have that story.
	Like, my parents put on Steve Martin record when I was four, and then I knew what I was going to do for you.
	Or you know, or they were like, you're going to be a doctor, like your dad.
	Yeah.
	And you were secretly listening to comedy in your room.
	Yeah.
	I just, in fact, I just met somebody recently, a friend of one of my kids, my daughter.
	And she said that she wanted to be a fireman when she grew up.
	And I was like, oh, what made you want to do that?
	And she's like, well, my dad's a fireman.
	I just think that's interesting that like of all of everything, or you hear about these military dads.
	I just met a guy in New Jersey who's like, his dad was a cop.
	And so all of his brothers were cops.
	And he decided to go into entertainment and he became the black sheep of the family because he didn't do the one thing everyone else did.
	And I do think that it's a little limiting to me.
	Like if my kid wanted to be a comedian, that would be cool.
	But I am also not going to be like weirdly offended that he doesn't choose the one of so many choices that you can do in life, especially when there are so many things.
	So the important thing to me is that my kids find something that they find interesting and that they're good at.
	Like when that Venn diagram, when it meets, because it took me, I was interested in a lot of things, but this is one thing that I kept coming back to, the humor was always sort of kind of where it naturally came.
	And so like, and especially in this country, when there are so many things that you can capitalize, that you can make money off of that you can't in most other places, why not try and marry those two things and make money off of them?
	And so, yeah, so as a kid, I heard a friend of mine give me a Stephen Wright cassette when I was like 13, 14.
	And he's like a one-liner comic from the 80s.
	Okay.
	And he's been, he was in stuff like, so I married an axe martyr.
	He's always the same guy.
	He's like, he's bald, but he has like kind of long swirly hair.
	Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	He talks like this.
	He has a great, just all of his jokes are brilliant.
	He has a joke that's like, I went to a hardware store and bought some used paint.
	It was in the shape of a house.
	And that's his.
	That's all monotone.
	Yeah.
	He's like a big mullet or something.
	So at that point, I knew that I wanted to try stand-up.
	It was never a thing.
	I wish I could, like I said, and be ambitious and be like, I'm going to be the greatest comic in the world.
	But I knew at that point that I wanted to try it.
	And so the thing was, I was 12, 13 at the time.
	And then the first time I did stand-up, I was 22.
	And even then, like the first year of stand-up, it was just great to actually get a joke every once in a while.
	I bombed most of the time.
	But when a joke did work, it was the greatest feeling in the world.
	Even then, I was like, I just want to be able to host shows for the rest of my life.
	It was, I, you know, it was never.
	And even like I get to a place where I am now, like when I did Conan, and I still, like I said, I think it's a confidence, maybe it's a self-esteem issue, but I still like standing behind the waiting for those curtains to part, just standing there like, what am I doing here?
	Does anyone know I'm not, this was not supposed to happen?
	How did I trick all these people?
	This is not, I'm supposed to be watching this.
	I'm not supposed to be in this place.
	Yeah, so I'm still in that.
	I still just have that sort of perspective.
	But like I said, I wish that not everybody has that.
	There are people who are like, why am I not famous yet?
	Yeah, those are the weirdest.
	Like, how is it not obvious?
	Like, none of us, it's so hard.
	How do you think you should get it?
	Yeah.
	So if you hadn't made it in comedy, like, what would be, what would be your career?
	Or I would have made it.
	I hate the word made it.
	The term is such a it could mean anything.
	Right.
	It really means nothing, actually.
	Yeah, it's, it's, uh, I, I would, I would be a writer.
	I would definitely be like trying to either write on a show or be like a novelist.
	Like writing was always something.
	So another impossible career.
	Yeah, exactly.
	I'm trying to get you to say like car salesman or something.
	Yeah.
	Have you ever considered do some construction, maybe?
	Yeah.
	Just throwing it out there.
	Trying to encourage you to do something with some good money.
	A little more steady.
	Yeah.
	I worked for a water softening company for years.
	That is what I did.
	Yeah.
	And I just didn't want to do that for the rest of my life.
	Yeah.
	But that is probably where I still would be if I hadn't.
	Okay.
	That's the question.
	That's what I was looking for.
	Yeah.
	Where can our fans purchase these water softening?
	That's what I'm plugging.
	What I used to do.
	We're ruining your career in one podcast interview.
	I worked with John Pinette one time.
	Do you remember him?
	He was great.
	He was a huge dude, like 400 pounds, but so great, energetic, so funny.
	He had a sort of this iconic bit on Chinese buffets.
	Okay.
	He's great if you look him up, but he died a few years ago.
	But he was so nice and so funny.
	He's this East Coast guy, huge East Coast guy.
	And he I was so excited to meet him because I'd seen him on TV and everything.
	He was in like the last episode of Seinfeld.
	He's just this.
	He's on Beetlejuice.
	Is that guy in Beetlejuice?
	Was he in Beetlejuice?
	I don't know.
	Were you not allowed to watch that?
	For our homeschool, dude.
	For our homeschooler family.
	Kyle probably didn't see it either.
	And our LDS listeners, I guess.
	So when I met him for the first time, he said, so is this all you do?
	And I was like, no, I work for this water softening company.
	And he goes, oh, man, my water is really hard.
	So could you help me out with it?
	He was like, I didn't know it was a bit, but he was like asking me advice.
	And I was so bummed out that that's what he wanted.
	But at the end of the week, he gave me a $50 bill.
	And he said, I remember how it was to be you.
	And that really stuck with me that he actually, he's the only comic who's ever given me money, you know, on a compliment like that.
	And it was really neat to see that because I worked with guys on the other end of the spectrum who wouldn't even talk to me for the whole week, Jeff Dunham, where they just.
	No names.
	Yeah, there was no sense of sympathy or anything like that.
	Yeah, they were just behind.
	As I start to go into the green room, they're like, this is just for us.
	Yeah.
	You know what's crazy?
	He does his puppets when he does radio.
	He brings puppets into the studio.
	You know how like comics will do radio before like at a club.
	He probably doesn't have to anymore because he does stadiums, but when he was doing clubs, you know, you get up at 6 a.m. on the day of the show or the day before.
	They do like the morning shows or something.
	He's going to bring his puppets into the studio to like talk into the microphone.
	Nobody can concur.
	It's not just to me.
	Yeah, but the guy sells tickets, so I can't make fun of him.
	So are you saying publicly on the Babylon B podcast that Jeff Dunham's a big jerk?
	To me.
	We always didn't know.
	I'm just saying he didn't say anything.
	So that's what I'm saying.
	What's going to become the title of this?
	Anything people will click on?
	Any controversy?
	One of the shows I did, it was when he was just on edge, about to do theaters, which is kind of the goal for every comic.
	And some, you know, like Kevin Hart and Jeff Dunham, Dane Cook got to the point where they did stadiums after theaters.
	But he hadn't, he was just breaking into theater.
	So I was doing this comedy club in San Jose with him, which is essentially a theater.
	It's way too big to be a comedy club.
	It was like my home club.
	I love it, but it's very difficult because to do one on a club, you got to fill the place up.
	Most clubs see like 150, 200, but when you have 150 people that are seated in a place that seats 550, then it's not good.
	Like the show still feels off.
	Kind of like three judges staring at America's Got Talent.
	So, but he would fill this place out.
	So I was doing shows there, even though my whole home club.
	I'd never done shows that were sold out.
	So I never had that actual feeling before of people just were just into it.
	Because then, even like when a joke doesn't do really well, you still have like 100 people laughing.
	So it's still and it feeds on itself.
	So I had this great set, greatest set I'd ever had in like three or four years of doing comedy.
	Felt like a rock star, like on top of the world, things are going great.
	I'm working with Jeff Dunham and killed it right now.
	And he had this thing that another comic I've worked with had done this where most, every other comic in the world, you do your set and then you introduce them.
	You name a few credits.
	If it's Chris Katan, he has 11 things he wants you to memorize.
	But really, you introduce them.
	So weird.
	Yeah, working with Chris Katan.
	But you introduce them.
	Yeah, you do.
	You've seen him on late night, blah, blah, blah, blah.
	Welcome to the stage.
	But with him, you just end your set, you get off, the lights go down, and then he has this ladies and gentlemen, this big sort of like monster truck voiceover thing that's amusing written just for him.
	Yeah.
	And so I put the mic in the stand and I said that I walk off and I wait for that to happen, but he's backstage.
	He's right there.
	Everything's gone dark and the music doesn't start and he's back there.
	I'm just imagining him standing in the dark brooding.
	And this is just his puppets yelling at him.
	Why do you even do this?
	This is for children.
	So I am feeling better than I ever have in stand-up.
	Just a rock star.
	And I get backstage and he says, Hey, the staff member, they didn't wheel my cart out with my puppets.
	Could you do that?
	Oh, my God.
	Like right then.
	So this is what it looks like to the audience.
	I kill it.
	Bam, mic in the stand, lights go out.
	Couldn't have been better.
	And then moments later, same guy.
	Same guy just pushing out this squeaky wheeled cart with puppets inside.
	Pushed it out.
	I saw you.
	They all saw me.
	Yeah.
	Because the lights are out on the stage, but the rest of the place is lit up.
	And then it's immediately everyone's like, oh, that guy just works here.
	And then I walk off and then boom, ladies and gentlemen.
	Yeah.
	Isn't that like the weird thing about when you do a amazing show in another city you've never been in?
	Isn't it a weird feeling after that's over?
	And then you actually don't know anybody there.
	And it's just you're back to being like, nobody's laughing at you now.
	You're just a guy walking on the street.
	Oh, yeah.
	It's weird.
	It's so weird.
	And then you're alone in your hotel room.
	Completely.
	Yeah.
	It's like, it's like you're Superman and when you walk out of the club, the door catches your cape and your whole costume just flies off.
	And you just walk.
	Do you have that writing?
	That was really good.
	No.
	No, I'm just good at this.
	I wrote that joke and I passed it across.
	Oh, you write for Kellen.
	You write for Kellen.
	He writes for we have at the end of we haven't finished this bio.
	It says Kellen has written for some of the top comedians in the industry, including Hallie Mandel and Frank Caliendo.
	So that means you wrote for him and he wrote for them.
	And maybe they write for who knows.
	So I don't know where he found this.
	This must have been a bio sent like with a writing packet or something.
	That's not something I usually mention.
	With Howie Mandel, so it was the day after I met.
	You need to edit that out.
	Maybe.
	No, it's fine because I can explain it right now.
	All of Howie Mandel's funniest jokes, he probably didn't use anything, but he was super nice.
	The day after I met him, his assistant contacted me and he invited me to his, he has a production company, and we just went through some jokes that he was going to do at JFL because he's up there every year and he puts on a television show that's all over Canada.
	And so we just ran some jokes by me.
	And I tried to punch him up, but I was also super nervous at the time.
	So I don't think I added anything.
	So that's probably why I took that out eventually.
	And then Frank Ellen, Frank's fun.
	I'll throw him like some premises.
	And then I think the only one he's ever kind of kept was one where, because he very much knows what he wants.
	And I have a difficult time writing for that, which is good because he's very specific.
	He doesn't, he's, I was, the reason why I think he's the best impressionist is because he won't just do like a typical impressionist will do.
	What if Christopher Walken worked at McDonald's?
	And then it's, yeah, yeah, fries.
	Yeah, everyone has a Christopher Watkin, but I can't do it.
	That's great.
	But what he does is Christopher Walken for more impressions.
	I don't even know.
	What about Gary Busey trying to work a sewing machine?
	Needles.
	Yeah.
	So you take this guy and put him in a silly situation.
	That's what the regular and people eat it up.
	Or they don't have to do anything and they just like quote the line from how many times have you heard that?
	And it's just so Frank's very good because he puts him in very, very specific situations.
	He has a great, and he'll do people they don't.
	You don't usually hear or that sound weird coming out of him, like his Morgan Freeman is dead on, but it's so weird seeing it come out of his body and Morgan Freeman, his Morgan Freeman, will like narrate what's happening in the show.
	What the audience didn't realize was that Frank couldn't remember what joke to do next.
	That's kind of what he'll do.
	That's my impression of Frank's impression of Morgan Freeman.
	Can I do an impression of, Oh Man will really inception this episode.
	So he has this, uh, who's the guy who plays Chris Hemsworth?
	He has this great Chris Hemsworth and it's Chris Hemsworth auditioning for a part, and so it's like it's neat because it's something.
	It's not like a silly situation, like with Chris Hemsworth working at the bank, it's him doing something he would actually do yeah yeah, and it's not him quoting a movie.
	So I haven't.
	But the one thing that that I have done that I think he does every once in a while is it's, and again like, admittedly it's, it's a bit uh cliche um, but I thought that the idea was funny, that it was, uh, who's the guy from Taken?
	Who's the Liam Neeson?
	Liam Neeson, it's Liam Neeson.
	That happens to me on podcasts.
	I forget names that right, that are just normal.
	His name is Jesus Christ Ethan in Taken.
	Jesus no no no, no.
	I was just using an example.
	Okay, I was.
	I was relying on your intelligence to fill in the punchline for that movie.
	That's what Kellen told me to do with my joke, but it's if it's if uh, you can't remember that name, you can remember the 20 word name of my church.
	It's if Liam Neeson, if he got a call from a telemarketer, and then it's going into the taken thing.
	Like, I don't know who you are.
	I don't know what you want.
	Yeah.
	But what you need to know.
	So that's a fun.
	So I can't technically say I've written for him, but he hasn't used anything.
	That's okay.
	So, yeah, you're written for him, isn't it?
	Yeah.
	I wrote episodes of shows where they didn't use anything that I wrote.
	I wrote the whole script.
	And then once it's now I watch on TV, I'm like, oh, they didn't use it.
	But my name still pops up.
	That's cool.
	Yeah, that works.
	If you get money in your bank account.
	Yeah, I got the money.
	What'll be great about this is when you finally get to the end of this, you'll be like, Welcome to the show, Kellen Erskine.
	Yeah, this is.
	He finished this bio.
	Well, see you later then.
	Frank, I don't know.
	Howie and Frank Caliendo.
	That's the end of their brothers.
	That's the end of the bio.
	Of my old bio, yeah.
	Of your two-year-old bio.
	So what's happened since 2017?
	Well, I bombed on Jimmy Kimmel.
	Is that in the.
	Oh, yeah, Jimmy Kimmel's.
	I skipped over it somehow.
	Tell us about the Jimmy Kimmel bomb.
	Wait, wait, wait.
	Hold on.
	Is this your big bomb story?
	Is this the big bomb?
	Because I was thinking about taking your, because we have a subscriber portion where we put juicy stuff.
	I was thinking you could tell your bomb story and I'll tell my first open mic's night story.
	Great.
	Let's do that.
	So we're teasing him.
	Teasing him.
	So what do you do right now?
	And we're also going to have you read unused headlines with us.
	Okay, cool.
	And you can judge them and read them in your signature laid-back style that you're bio.
	Just kidding.
	Sorry.
	You want to join us for hate mail?
	Sure.
	All right.
	I'll start writing one right now.
	Okay.
	Oh, wait, wait, wait.
	If people want to find you online and we will check stuff out, in fact, I could probably throw a clip of one of your best little bits onto our podcast if you want me to.
	Yeah, that'd be great.
	Yeah, if you want to become his 3076th Twitter follower, what clip should I use?
	Conan.
	The most selfish thing that a human being can possibly do is leave an empty shopping cart in a parking space.
	I just hate what that says about people, right?
	You're telling me you can meander for two and a half miles inside Costco pushing that thing.
	The moment you get to your vehicle, you're like, not another step.
	That's why I don't even care anymore.
	You guys can try this too.
	Every time I'm inside a grocery store, I take someone else's cart.
	Try it.
	Full of food.
	Take it.
	It's much faster.
	And you get to try new things.
	You can do that.
	It isn't wrong.
	It's not stealing.
	What could they possibly even say to you?
	Excuse me.
	I gathered that.
	You can just say thanks and you can regather.
	You know the route.
	That's how I found out that I like hummus.
	You know what else is not stealing?
	Putting an extra bike lock on a stranger's bike.
	It's pretty crazy that bike locks are legal.
	You have any idea the amount of power you wield with your imagination and a bike lock?
	There are so many possibilities.
	You could just walk past the Baskin Robbins and be like, you're closed.
	So arbitrary, but we need permission to buy and what we don't.
	You have to show photo ID in a hobby shop so you get pinked.
	Yet all of us are just one Amazon click away from buying orange cones and making traffic go wherever we want.
	I have a landline telephone.
	I didn't buy it.
	Just came with a tiny house that I rent in LA.
	I was talking to my neighbor in our front yards recently.
	This guy's nosy.
	Some of us have that neighbor.
	This guy's open about it, though.
	It's uncomfortable.
	He very casually threw this into the dialogue.
	Hey, Kellen, the other day I picked up part of a conversation from your cordless phone through my baby monitor.
	Yeah, that's a real thing that can happen.
	I didn't know.
	I also didn't know how to respond to him.
	He's just smiling like a weirdo.
	So I said, actually, I don't have a cordless phone.
	Oh, but occasionally I do stand in your baby's room and talk to him.
	His special is on Prime.
	What's it called?
	Amazon.
	The special is from two years ago, so I know you love that stuff.
	That's our favorite.
	That was the peak of Kellen's career two years ago.
	Is that on?
	We haven't really followed in the last it is on Prime.
	And it's called Composed.
	Composed, yes.
	I had somebody message me online.
	They're like, where can I see more of your stuff?
	And I was like, it's on Amazon Prime.
	But if you don't have Prime, it's like three bucks.
	And they messaged me back.
	I don't pay for comedy.
	I was like, I am sorry.
	I forgot I'm doing all this for free for everyone.
	Yeah.
	I don't pay for comedy.
	That's great.
	I like that that's one of their core principles.
	Yeah.
	That's what you're going to die on.
	I live my life the way my father raised me.
	Not to pay for comedy.
	There are enough hilarious things in this life that have to pay for it.
	Walruses, for example.
	All right.
	You're at Kellen Erskine on Twitter.
	Is that what your name is?
	I think so.
	At Kellen Erskine or Keller.
	We'll put it all in the show notes.
	If anybody looks at those.
	And I'm going to be at the Ontario Improv.
	When does this come out?
	I'm going to be there.
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah.
	I should try to go.
	Oh, I'm going to go.
	I can get free tickets now.
	I'm not busy.
	What night?
	Wait, I wasn't joking.
	I can get free tickets there.
	I just, but we're just making fun of this guy.
	He won't pay free comments.
	I won't pay for it.
	So they're like, great segue.
	Neither do I. My cousin works there.
	Yes.
	Oh, really?
	You want to go, Ethan?
	Me, you, and uh, what's the day?
	October 16th, Wednesday, eight o'clock.
	And it's going to be an all-clean show opener because you're the clean comedy.
	So can you bring kids?
	Oh, the other guys are clean too.
	It's 18 and up.
	Yeah, other guys are clean, which doesn't always happen.
	So, yeah, all right.
	October 16th, Kellen Erskine.
	Whoa, everybody, okay?
	Let's do it.
	All right, let's jump into our.
	Did you get all your self-plugging out of the way?
	Just making sure.
	Yeah, and Instagram.
	Instagram, he's on Instagram.
	I hate Instagram.
	Thanks.
	You guys are great.
	Don't pay for Kellen's comedy and don't follow him on Instagram.
	No, follow him all you want if you want to be some Instagram dork.
	I'm on Instagram too.
	Are you ready for hate mail?
	Should I play the jingle?
	I always assume I shouldn't play the jingle, but I'm going to do it anyway.
	I really miss Adam Ford.
	What?
	Is that funny?
	Oh, yeah.
	It's an inside thing.
	You did.
	It's a total inside joke.
	Adam Ford found it the website.
	And then people that don't like it now, because they know that he sold the website, they email us and say, I miss Adam Ford.
	Yeah.
	Because they think anytime something's bad on the website, they say, I really'm the original.
	And then we auto-tuned our voiceover guy saying, just saying that and impersonating them.
	And it doesn't work to auto-tune very well.
	I'm going to be a monotone guy.
	So there you go.
	It's really funny when you explain the whole.
	Now that you've got all the information, you need to laugh.
	It's great on a Christian podcast to have bumper music that sounds like the devil.
	You know who thinks it's funny, Frank Fleming.
	Sorry, I'm just using my buttons now.
	No, it's well timed.
	So we're actually not doing hate mail, right?
	We're not.
	Aren't we doing?
	Don't you guys just call that male?
	We're going to read the Hobby Lobby one or are we going to save that one?
	We're eye fiving him for his good joke.
	Oh, yeah.
	I try to tell jokes on here and Ethan doesn't listen because he's already reading something else.
	I know.
	I feel bad.
	I listened to it later.
	I'm like, oh, Kyle's trying to tell a joke and I totally stomped all over him.
	So just I just bombed this entire podcast the whole time and it's brutal.
	Okay, so.
	You sound like me on Kimmel.
	Oh, which we're going to get to.
	In the subscription portion.
	So, yeah, no, we're going to do that.
	We're going to do the kids.
	Yeah.
	And it's not hate mail.
	Yeah, it's not hate mail.
	Okay, so Greta.
	I thought we were going to read.
	Okay.
	Greta Thunberg.
	Yes, we talked about she wrote on a giant boat.
	Greta Thunberg.
	Thunberg.
	She said that.
	Where am I going with this?
	We're staring at each other.
	We have a broken icon for like 20 seconds.
	So, yeah, so we made, we had some comments about how if kids say, how dare you, and get mad, then you can't criticize those.
	Yeah, like if you have a position, you just take the kid and tell them to say, I agree with all these positions.
	Then therefore, if you criticize, then you're criticizing your child.
	How dare you?
	Why are you criticizing children?
	So we actually got a fan to send us their three-year-old daughter saying, how dare you?
	Right.
	Attack the Babylon Bee.
	So let's listen to this.
	His name is Jacob, right?
	This is Jacob's daughter.
	How dare you attack Babylon Bee?
	So now.
	Wait, wait, do you have yours?
	I got some too.
	I got my kids to help out.
	Let's hear this.
	First, this is Calvin.
	He's two.
	He's just learning to talk.
	He's just got to that point where he doesn't just say one word only.
	He says, like, he tries to put them together.
	But he kind of has like a French thing he adds to words.
	Here we go.
	Say, say, I'm just a child.
	How could you?
	I say you.
	Say, you're horrible.
	Say, you've destroyed my childhood.
	My dreams.
	You've destroyed them.
	How could you?
	How dare you?
	No.
	My favorite part of all of that is how you preface it with like he's just learning to put words together, but then listening to it, it's like maybe he hasn't learned how to put words together because when you talk to him, you sound like a three-year-old.
	Can you say, how dare you?
	Can you say that?
	I don't know if I do the same thing with Mike.
	My favorite thing he did, though, is he just said, how dare you?
	All alone in this.
	A day.
	Oh, now you've just happened to say that.
	Anyway, that was all impersonating.
	Yes.
	How dare you?
	So now if you, we just want you to know that if you criticize the Babylon Bee, you're criticizing children.
	That's right.
	A day.
	So we need some emotional music, Ethan.
	Doesn't your new fancy board do this?
	The only, well, I have to have it prepared.
	I have.
	What's the emotional music?
	I don't know.
	Is that why are you attacking the children?
	Think of the children.
	Next time you think about criticizing the Babylon Bee.
	Yes.
	How dare you?
	How dare you?
	The music sounds like I'm shopping in Hobby Lobby.
	This is the ultra-call music.
	This is the softly intended.
	Very good.
	All right.
	All right.
	That's the hate mail.
	I think, is that the show?
	We're signing off.
	There's stuff we're supposed to say at the end.
	I always forget.
	I always remember because I'm a robot of some kind.
	So if you want to go to hear the extended version of our podcast, you can go to BabylonB.com slash plans and sign up at any dollar amount level, and you get the full podcast, which is awesome.
	And you get to hear a cool story about Kellen bombing.
	And you get to share in the humiliation and laughter.
	So do that.
	Just like on America's Got Talent.
	For the rest of you, thanks for hanging out with us.
	Yes.
	Good day to you.
	Hey, I have a forgot I can push a button and here it goes.
	Oh, wait.
	No, it's too quiet.
	Kyle and Ethan would like to thank Seth Dylan for paying the bills, Adam Ford for creating their job, the other writers for tirelessly pitching headlines, the subscribers, and you, the listener.

▲