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Dec. 5, 2022 - The Adam King Show
01:09:16
EP012: Love And Marriage
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- Welcome everybody to the 12th edition of "The Adam King Show." I am your host, Adam King, joined by my one and only good friend, dear colleague, and sidekick, Rock Breath.
How you doing, Rock? It's good to see you again.
Fantastic. How are you? We missed you on Monday.
Yeah, you had a little bit going on down here.
To our audience, Rock was in the hurricane, at the epicenter of the hurricane last week, and his internet's been out for several days now.
And we missed him on Monday.
I couldn't do a meme portion without you.
It just didn't work. I apologize.
It just didn't work. The memes are not the same without you, Rock.
Let's do it. I'm ready to do it.
Let's do it. Rock, I got a question for you.
How are the Bills doing?
Oh, no. Seriously?
They're getting crushed.
The last game was another interception for a loss at the end of the game.
Ridiculous. Terrible coaching, terrible playmaking.
Hey, but the Dolphins are tied in first place, right?
Oh, hey, thank you.
You know, that's only another AFC team that I've been kind of avoiding.
I guess hell really did freeze over with the Dolphins, didn't it?
Yeah, for sure.
You're so funny.
Thanks. All right, let's get into some memes, man.
I've been missing out on memes since last Thursday, and we got to get some funny times going.
Our audience needs a good laugh.
Memes and news segment.
First meme of the day.
Name a city that changed your life.
Wuhan. Sometimes you just gotta laugh at these things.
Am I right? Oh, yeah.
New York, Wuhan.
All right. The next story is a real big one.
You have Sam Bankman-Fried, the owner of FTX. Mitch McConnell and the rhinos in the background.
And in front of it, Mitch McConnell is a plate called FTX laundering.
And the bottom picture shows a happy Mitch McConnell with his little morsel and his campaign donations.
This meme is hard to understand what happened, but with Mitch McConnell Taking money from FTX. Here is the disclosure.
And as you can see, the number is $2.5 million, Rock, that Mitch McConnell took from FTX. And no wonder why Mitch McConnell was not in Blake Masters, Cary Lake.
He wasn't invested in any of the races.
He got paid off by the Democrats.
And here is the proof. $2.5 million.
It's crazy, is it not? It's very upsetting.
Very upsetting. Not very funny, but very upsetting.
Let's move on to something funny.
What gives people feelings of power?
Money, that much.
Status, that much.
Voting for a different pedophile overlord every four years.
Dude, are they all pedos or what?
It's like a workshop up in there.
I'm seeing some really nasty commercials on TV, too.
And I don't mean nasty by them or out by them, but just an example of what they're allowing now.
And it's disgusting. They're pigs, man.
Yep. Anarcho-Texan, again, the IRS coming with buckets to milk a barely milkable cow.
Good morning, sunshine. They couldn't even get enough urine out of that cow to fill those buckets.
Exactly. This story really pisses me off.
Biden administration threatens to veto proposed Senate resolution to end COVID-19 emergency declaration.
After 13 Democrats voted with Republicans.
You could tell that there is massive corruption.
And they just launched the probe into the Biden family.
This one really gets me.
California City launches guaranteed income program for transgender residents.
Hey kids, you want some extra allowance?
What the heck?
Really? I mean, do they think they can get away with this forever?
They are going to try as long as they can.
Oh, no. This one got me good, man.
The taxes aren't even that high.
The taxes. They high AF, bro.
It's like Snoop Yoda.
Snoop Yoda. I like that.
All right. For our audience from Natural It.
Natural ITIC. Health.
Before going to bed, blend a half a teaspoon of turmeric, a quarter teaspoon of ginger with a cup of coconut milk before going to bed in order to flush your liver of toxins while you sleep.
I want to give good medical advice to all those sick people out there.
Is that something you have to do every night?
You know what? I'm going to consult the Instagram meme lords.
That would be expensive.
$2.04 billion Powerball winner takes home $628 million after taxes.
The real jackpot winner, the IRS, $1.42 billion.
I thought they were supposed to get only a small percentage of it.
Nope. They did the whole thing.
I thought it was the other way around.
It's a scam to give more money to our government.
This one's good. The patriarchy always wins.
All these men in women's sports.
These beautiful men.
God, they're so attractive.
This one bugs me out.
Is that a beauty queen pageant?
That is not a beauty queen pageant.
Miss Greater something or other.
Miss Greater Dairy. I think that might be a joke.
GOP House opens probe into Biden family for potential tax evasion, money laundering, and human trafficking.
It's about damn time.
Yeah. Wife gains control of House with one-to-one majority.
And then the people who trust the government.
And we got our government.
Oh boy.
When you get busted laundering money and need a distraction, random missiles go!
And here we're going to finish up with these.
I wonder if there's a country from Adam King, this godly looking stud on Facebook.
I wonder if there is a country we can evade and murder a million people or more to export our version of democracy to.
And we'll close on this one.
Victoria's Secrets introduces first model with Down syndrome.
And you have Skeletor at the bottom saying at least she doesn't have a penis.
That's a good one.
We've got to close on that one.
That was excellent. I'll see you soon, Rock.
I'll be in the back and we'll...
I'll see you guys soon.
Have a great show, everyone.
Thanks, Rock. All right.
We are joined by two wonderful guests.
One of them is a little bit sideways right now.
Layla Brooke, your camera's a little bit sideways.
There we go. Okay.
We have famous matchmaker to the stars, Layla Brooke.
Hi. Rabbi, young Israel Rabbi, Rabbi Shlomo Baria Schachter.
Today we got such a unique show.
And I was telling this to Layla before the show got started that in order to trip up the algorithms of censorship...
Because this show gets heavily censored.
We had to...
We do, like, non-political shows.
Every two to three episodes, we did one on movies.
We did one on stand-up comedy.
And now this is our third installment on our 12th episode, and it's all about relationships.
And for our viewers at home, we are going to be starting an entire relationship series to get to the bottom of why everybody is so unhappy and why nobody can seem to get into relationships.
So I wanted to bring the two of you on and start off a discussion that's going to involve many more guests in the future, as well as yourselves, to try to find out what is actually happening and why people are not succeeding at finding love and finding marriage.
So I want to start with you, Layla, since this is your profession, and you're 24-7 in this field.
Why don't you give our audience a little bit of background about what you do, and About your practice.
Sure. Thank you, Adam, for having me, and I hope that we sway the algorithm to your advantage.
So, I'm Leva Book.
I am in Southern California, but I do matchmaking for Jewish singles all around America, and if possible, if need be, around the globe.
I have a global database of Jewish singles.
I started in 2014 as It started as a hobby, basically.
I started a little Facebook group.
It's grown into a pretty large community.
And since then, I created events here in Los Angeles.
I've created online events if needed.
And so it's kind of a passion of mine.
It started as a passion, and it's grown into more of a business.
I have two degrees in business, so I guess it's in my nature to create something.
It's in my mind. So I love what I do.
I want to bring people together.
So it's a professional matchmaking agency as opposed to more, you know, the midst of matchmakers.
I really put my time and effort and blood, sweat and tears into it.
So it is like people do pay me up front.
To be their full-time matchmaker.
And I do all different types of backgrounds, Jewish, you know, all different flavors.
What about for our non-Jewish community?
I refer that out.
I only do keep people within the tribe, no offense.
But I hope you have some good advice for them for today's show.
Of course, of course. And how many matches do you have?
I've had five matches, and then people meet through my events, so hopefully that counts to you.
Three people in my events, and actually one couple met in June, and they're seriously dating and thinking of...
Wow, so you're stacking numbers.
Yes, yes, it's exciting.
It keeps me going. And then in addition to you, we have Rabbi Shlomo Schachter.
Rabbi of Vancouver Young Israel Community, correct?
Congregation Shari Tzedek.
And you're doing big things in your community.
I've met some people in your community.
A lot of people have come to your classes.
And you're also kind of like getting into this kind of singles crisis for the first time.
Yeah, well, you know, I was for several years on campus working with college students.
And then, you know, once you start having kids that have been out of college, you know, for five, six years that I'm the rabbi, so I get involved with a lot of people who are in the process of finding their life partner.
And again, also here in the community here, dealing with young people as they're in that phase of life where they're getting married and settling down and building the home that they want to have.
So I definitely have a lot of hands-on work with young people who are settling into marriage.
And I've also been with people on the other side where people are involved in divorce and all that and helping to see people through that side of things because, you know, In Judaism, that's also a mitzvah.
It's also a ritual commandment that needs to be done right.
We learn the laws of divorce before we learn the laws of marriage.
That's right. And so, you know, how to bring God into the whole process, ideally into our marriage and into the home or building.
And when we're going to part ways with somebody, how to do that also in a godly manner.
And have you made any matches yourself?
I know you're trying. I know you're just starting out.
My wife is much more involved.
She's got two that she's done.
Two on your behalf?
Good people, yeah. Working with our students.
All you need is one more, man.
Yeah, right. And I don't know if it counts.
I picked my wife. I got to pick her, so I don't know if that counts as making a match.
And you were, just for our audience, you were actually a pro football player, am I right?
Semi-pro. Non-American League football.
In Israel, you would count as a pro.
Okay, if you consider it such.
But we played in Europe, went to Spain and knocked Spain out of the European Cup, representing Israel.
So that was a lot of fun. That's cool.
Are you still playing football? No.
We had a segment right before with our associate producer where we were talking about the Dolphins being tied in first place.
Is that wild or what? Yeah, who'd have thunk, right?
Hell, it's frozen over.
Really been on any given Sunday kind of year in the NFL. Listen, if the Dolphins can be tied for first place, then all these singles can definitely find their match.
If the dolphins can do it, you can do it.
If the dolphins can do it.
Go, dolphins! All right, so this is like a really, a very serious topic, and the question that I want to pose to you guys, you guys both feel free to jump in and take a stab at it and interrupt each other, cause some interesting debate, but why are relationships failing?
Why are people getting older and remaining single?
Why is it that nobody seems to be getting married, and what can be done to stop it?
Yeah. I mean, one thing I can say is there's so much selection right now.
I mean, you have so much noise.
I call it noise because there's so much stuff going around.
You have dating apps and there's so many dating apps.
Which one are you going to choose from?
J-Swipe, J-Date, you know, Saw You at Time.
There's so many different things. At least my realm is Jewish, so that's why I always keep talking about the Jewish stuff.
I use Hinge. For any of our audience that wants to try to get me, you can find me on Hinge or you can write info at theadamkingshow.com.
Or send them to me and I can filter them up.
Exactly. So there's so much distraction and the swiping, the swiping, it just makes things so much more difficult, I think.
And people have less time.
Some people are so focused on their career that they lose track of, you know, they become in their 30s or 40s and they realize, oh no, time's ticking.
I want to have a child. I want to have a few children.
They don't realize that.
So it could be the focus on, you know, their career.
It could be they don't really know what they're looking for.
A lot of people date without any strategy.
The first thing I do with my clients is that I sit down and have a strategy session with them.
I call it a dating strategy session.
It gives them a focus.
It gives them a foundation on what type of things that you should be looking for, what characteristics, deal breakers, must-haves.
These are all things that anybody should be thinking of.
So if you go in with just like...
Anything in life, without a guidance, without a mentor, without a rabbi, without a matchmaker, without anybody, you don't really know.
Maybe you met somebody that could have had potential, but you completely missed out on it.
So people are missing out on these opportunities.
And I feel like these things, at least when I've seen people do, they date without intention and without focus.
What do you have to say about that, Rabbi Schachter?
Yeah, you know, I think that some of the issue is that we live in a world where we're expecting instant gratification, where you do something and it works, and if you don't, so then, you know, you move on, try again.
And relationships aren't like that, you know.
Finding the perfect soulmate doesn't mean that everything is going to be easy from now on and it fits perfectly and happily ever after, right?
Finding the perfect soulmate is you have the partner who's going to continue to elicit from you The kind of growth that you're really capable of and for you to bring out the best potential.
None of us are finished products, right?
And you have to be, you're not shopping for a finished product in the same way, right?
It's not like Amazon where you can pick exactly what you want, you get it two days later and you're done.
You know, relationships are difficult.
It takes a long time. It takes building trust and it takes investment of your whole self into doing that.
So it's something that we're not accustomed to.
You know, it's like a person who's just beginning to To get in shape, right?
They've been neglecting, you know, neglecting their diet and exercise for years.
And then now they want to get in shape.
You can't get in shape overnight.
It doesn't work that way. It takes years and years and years of focus to, you know, to be able to get anywhere and be able to see any noticeable progress.
And even more so when you're dealing with character development.
And kind of becoming the person you want to be.
And so finding a partner, you know, that you're going to be able to do that with is a big leap of faith, you know.
And there's no... Some people, the approach is to take years and years and years of dating, and, you know, you have to have a relationship that lasts several years, and you're living together, and you're, like, really having to say, okay, so now we'll get married.
So that's one approach that people have today, is that you have to have that longevity in the dating process to be able to be sure, as it were.
You know, and otherwise, you're going in with a very...
You have to have a lot of other things in place, right?
So that's why people in the religious community, you know, there's a lot that's sort of unspoken, right?
A lot of expectations that are coming, well, you're in this part of this community, I'm part of this community, we share the same values, we share the same expectations of how there's going to be, and then we have to work it out together, but we're sort of diving into graph paper, right?
There's a lot of things which are set already up.
And that gives people, I think, a confidence to be able to enter into a relationship with a lot less experience of the other person.
But so much of it is instinct.
So much of it is coming.
How do you feel when you connect?
This is gut feelings. Yeah, it's a gut feeling.
Does this person elicit from you, you know, the sense of, I like the person that I am when I'm with them.
You know, I like, I enjoy their company.
The ability to work, to have difficult conversations and really communicate with Do we have that ability?
Are we able to enjoy time together without having to be invested in something else?
Can we go to dinner and have a nice conversation?
Do we feel like we need to go to the movies so we don't have to talk to each other?
These are the questions you need to answer and you need to answer them very quickly if you're dating for marriage and if the expectations are there.
It's a very hard task.
And I think spiritually in the world today, people are more fragmented than ever before.
You know, it used to be that so much of your life was determined.
You lived in one place. You had your family.
You had a profession. Here today, you have a job.
You have a side hustle.
You've got this. You've got hobbies.
You've got so many different things going on.
You're multitasking. At the same time, so integration of all of these different parts of ourselves into the person that we are is very, very difficult.
And throw on top of that a relationship, which demands of us that integration, and you're swimming upstream the whole time.
So I'm going to pivot, and for anybody just tuning in, you're listening to The Adam King Show.
I'm your host, Adam King, and you can find all of our episodes at theadamkingshow.com.
I recently was in a dating group on WhatsApp.
One of these, like, here's a bunch of people, go meet them type of things.
And I postulated a reason why people aren't getting married.
And it got insane feedback.
People were really hot over this article.
And essentially, what I found out was there was a university study that was conducted that said that When women pursue men, 85% of the time it ends in marriage.
And this blew my mind.
I went over Google, I tried to find more research on this, and the internet is flooded with around these numbers, between 80 to 90%.
It ends in a marriage.
And this shifted a lot of my concept of dating, and how we date, and how we Are conditioned to date.
We grow up with these Cinderella stories of courtship and what a man is required to do.
And we're all Jews here.
As Jews, it's a very non-Jewish way to get to the way that dating is done today.
It's not the way that it was done today.
Before, I was telling my friend earlier that the old way of Ashkenazi Jewish dating was, oh, you survived the Buchenwald.
I survived the Buchenwald.
Let's get married.
And 50 years later, they have 400 grandkids.
You know, in this generation, people are so immersed with options And I want to get both of your takes on this perspective because since I learned this statistic, I've radically shifted my understanding of why people aren't getting married.
If a woman wants to get married, there are two types of women.
There are women who want to get married, and there are women who want to remain open to see what type of options are available to her.
She doesn't want to close the door because some rich doctor might come around.
Most women are not shopping for a life partner.
They're shopping for a lifestyle in the dating.
And let's start there, because this is a super packed subject.
What do you think about that? Am I right or wrong?
Are women shopping for a lifestyle or a life partner?
I wouldn't say all women, okay?
I hate to generalize the population and say we're all doing this and we're all doing that because, you know, a lot of people, they have expectations, okay?
They have these fantasies.
And when they're dating, when those fantasies are not met, they feel, okay, next.
There's, you know, more fish, you know, in the sea for me.
And that's, I personally know so many people who are Who keep waiting, waiting, waiting for the right one.
You know, Rabbi, you were saying that waiting, looking for the perfect match.
There is no perfect match.
All works in progress, as you were saying.
Nobody was born perfect.
We never will be. But of course, we strive to be.
So if we're waiting for somebody to turn our life around 180 degrees, that's never going to happen.
You have to want it for yourself.
You have to change yourself.
You have to Make yourself ready in order to attract the right people.
So if you're just waiting for that perfect guy or woman to come and, you know, take your breath away and, you know, live happily ever after, that's, you know, that's never going to happen.
I was, and Rabbi Shakhtar, I'll appreciate this.
In the Talmud, in Masechet Sota, on Daft 2, it talks about the different soulmates.
And it says, the Zivug Rishon is one thing.
That's the first primary soulmate.
Then it goes into this category of the Zivug Sheni to the Zivug Shvi'i.
The Zivug Rishon is based on somebody's Mazalot, like their constellations.
But the second to the seventh soulmate are based in someone's actions.
So I was on a date with this girl the other night, and I was telling her about, you know, the difference between the soulmates.
And I told her, I want to find my seventh soulmate.
I want to find the one on the very...
She said, why would you want your seventh?
You should want your first.
I should be your first.
And I was like, do you understand, just to make the top seven list, how important that is?
Like, if you get somebody who's...
And I think that we need to get out of this, like, soulmate talk.
You know, because everybody's, like, civil grief showing.
It has to be the primary soulmate.
It can't be, like...
Like, wow, I met one of my soulmates.
This is incredible. And in a sea full of fish, I found somebody I can be happy with my whole life.
And I think our...
What was that? One is better than none, right?
Yeah, well, I was saying, like, I mean, seven is better than eight.
You know, and eight isn't even on the list, according to the Talmud.
You know what I'm saying? There's a million women out there who can't even be compatible with me, but number seven is compatible with me.
The main thing is to be the last one.
The last one of what?
The last soulmate, right?
The final one that makes it that you don't need anymore.
No parting. Exactly.
We're done. No breaking up.
Happily ever after. Whoever that is, is your primary soulmate.
The one that you live this life with.
The spot to be in is the last spot, not the first spot.
But you know, it kind of resonated to what I was talking about, Rabbi, because if you think about it, a man's In the traditional ways of courtship, he has to go pursue the woman.
And let's say I pursue a lot of women.
Thank God my dating life has been very flush and I've met a lot of really wonderful women.
And I'll tell you that when I pursue a woman, I would say I have a 20% chance of getting her phone number.
Not an 85% chance of marrying her.
And so when I read the statistic that women have an 85% chance of ending up in marriage if they pursue a man, I said to myself, if we all just want to be married, we're doing this wrong.
The women should be pursuing the man.
She should go earmark whichever man that she wants and go pursue him and say, hey, you're cute.
Let me take you out. Let me buy you a drink.
Let me get to know you. And if you think about the way that a man gets to marriage, it's actually an extremely degrading process.
First, he has to make these overt jazz.
You ever see, like, the peacocks, like, mating in nature?
He has to do this, like, dance.
You know, even just to open up a conversation, he has to buy her a drink.
You know, it's like he can't come at her just to know her without putting a token in the machine to see if it'll spin or work.
And her responsibility is to either accept or reject the past.
Let's say he makes it to round two.
Let's say he makes it to round three.
At every level of the game, The final boss of the game is her.
And he has to beat her by convincing her to accept him again.
And then at the very end, not only...
It's so humiliating and degrading to men.
And I'm sure women want this and men want it too because they just don't really care so much and they want to be in a marriage.
But at the very end of the process of trying to find the life partner, quote, partner, is that a man has to get on his knees, With a valueless rock that's just overly priced and expensive and pledge it to her and say to her, will you marry me on his knees?
And if you think about the dynamic of that, at what point do they meet in the middle and it's a 50-50 relationship?
Why do you think it's degrading, though, to be courted?
What's bad about that?
Not to be courted. It's that the process of dating Heavily, heavily favors the woman and discriminates against the man, puts all the power inside of her hands, and then expects him to lead a family and lead the world and be the leader at the same time while she doesn't want to relinquish control at all.
And so it's no wonder why everybody's older and single because everybody's all mixed up with their roles and responsibilities in getting to the marriage canopy.
So now we're talking about, like, gender roles and, like, what we're expected to do.
I'm not talking about gender roles. I'm talking about relationship roles.
I was talking to somebody else about this the other day, and he was like, a man is supposed to be a hunter.
He's supposed to hunt for the woman.
And I was like, listen, breeding and hunting are two different skills, okay?
Leave hunting with hunting and breeding with breeding.
If you want a family and you want to get married, there's a quick and easy way or a long and hard way.
That's how I see it. What do you think about that, Rabbi?
You know, you bring up the question of hunting.
I remember when I was playing college football in university that it dawned on me at a certain point, I realized that the dynamic, the social dynamic around it, I was the prey, I was not the hunter.
You know, and that was scary to me.
I was like, oh, you know, maybe sort of rethink things.
I think that To some degree, that's what you're saying, right?
When a woman decides that this is the one she wants, it's game over.
It's game over. Right?
Now, it doesn't necessarily have to be game over, right?
It's not necessarily so, but it seems to generally be.
It's like that with the animals too, right?
The peacock puts on his show and displays, right?
The male lions have to fight for dominance.
Once it's established, which one is going to be the leader of the bride.
So that's it. That's it.
So once the decision has been made, so that's it.
So in a certain sense, you're right.
Men are always auditioning.
And the truth is that it doesn't end with marriage.
You know, it usually ends with a humongous deficit bill and the woman walks on to the next guy who's gonna give her $5,000 in experience.
That's part of the journey.
That's part of dating. For women.
But what about for men?
You know, I'll tell you, Leila, I'm 39.
I have amazing single guy friends.
We're all single. We're all 39.
They're all well-to-do. They're all wealthy.
Sometimes we get together and we say no women are allowed.
And we sit there and we drink beer and we bitch about women.
And every single guy has like the same stories.
Healthy. Every single guy has like the same stories that they talked to this woman, they invested a lot of time and energy diverting from their hard-earned alpha male roles as being bosses in their companies and leaders in their fields and they divert their time and they have no power and they end up spending all the money You know, and they go on the date, it's the man's responsibility to pay for the date.
If they go on a vacation, it's the man's responsibility to pay for everything, the hotels, the transportation.
If he doesn't, then maybe he's not a good provider.
You know, but also women don't want a provider.
They want to be able to earn more than men in the workforce.
So there is all these gender roles that are being confused in the dating world.
Let me ask you a question.
First of all, dates don't have to be expensive.
If your date is always expecting you to take you out, then she's probably not for you.
You don't want to go broke while you're dating.
Second of all, Expectations of, like, oh, I'm supposed to do this.
It's 2022.
I personally, like, this is many years ago, I met my husband at a Shabbat dinner, and that evening, I was going to try to see if, like, we can, you know, exchange contact info.
He left, okay, without me even, like, doing anything.
So what did I do? This is many years ago, like 10, you know, this is before.
I wasn't even on Facebook, whatever.
You couldn't find me. What did I do?
I approached the person who, the host of the house.
She had the contact info of my future husband.
And I initiated the...
You just proved me right.
You just proved me right.
He would have probably never done that.
Wait, hold on. We're getting a call from our audience.
Oh. Hello? Yeah.
Yeah, she's available for consultation.
Okay, great. Yeah, she said I was right.
It's amazing. Just kidding.
Just to prove you wrong, Adam.
I mean, I guess I'm, you know, I tell my story to a lot of people to tell them, you know, okay, this is 2022.
You don't have to wait for the, you know, the guy to approach you.
You're on Facebook, you're on social media, whatever.
A lot of men or women feel like they don't want to get rejected.
They don't feel like...
But what do you have to lose?
What do you have to lose?
Exactly. Take the initiative.
And if it doesn't happen, okay, it's not meant to be.
But at least you took that step.
You don't have to expect, okay, I want him to come to me.
Okay, I know, but...
I did it and here I am.
Happily married with a family.
And if you didn't take that initiative, you might still be single.
Possibly, yeah. I never know.
You know, so, and I think it's really important that you said that, Layla, because sometimes I think it takes women who have completed the path and the cycle to convince the other women to put their guards down and not be so, you know, it's like when it comes to dating, they're very traditional.
When it comes to everything else, they're not traditional at all.
You know what I'm saying? But when it comes to dating, a guy better open up that door.
If he doesn't open up the door to the car, it's over.
We are done. Well, that's chivalry.
Okay, that's chivalry. Okay.
That means, okay, he's nice.
He's considerate.
Okay. What is the woman's form of chivalry?
Like, what do women do to kind of, like, balance it out?
Let's say both parties get to marriage.
And the whole chivalry, traditional thing.
The most successful relationships that I've had were multiple years.
We did live together.
And I did 90% of the work.
90% of the cooking, 90% of the cleaning, 90% of the dates, 90% of everything.
It was all me. How do you get that number to go to 50-50?
50-50 would be great, but it's not always going to be like that.
But that would be a happy marriage because men also have needs and feelings too.
Men also want to feel like their partner shows up for them.
Look, any time that you have any set of expectations put on the relationship, you're bound to fail.
You're bound to be disappointed.
Great point. Is that each couple needs to have this constellation in the arrangement that's going to work for them.
I think that you're absolutely correct in that some of the classical modes of behavior between men and women are a little bit outdated, right?
Because in a situation where women are not primary earners, you know, in the ancient world, so there's a certain sense, okay, the man has to be the provider.
Today, you know, women, when they're single, they're working, they're supporting themselves.
You know, much of the time.
So I think there is absolutely room for, you know, a reorganization.
If you look at, for example, in our tradition, the Sefi Ketubot has a whole long list of deviations from the standard There's a lot of marriage responsibilities that are possible, and all they have to do is stipulate.
These are brought as possibilities that the woman will provide for her own food, and the man doesn't have to do that, but in exchange she doesn't have to give him a certain amount of her work.
There's a whole calculus that can be, and these terms of the relationship can be renegotiated.
That's been the case from forever.
It's important to understand that there is no should rubric.
There's no balance that you have to meet.
And the same is true in dating as it is in marriage.
Just because...
I would suggest to you, Adam, that this idea of the man has to do this and the man has to...
That's all in your head. And it's not...
That I believe. That I believe.
And I'll tell you something. In my dating life, I have stopped offering...
I have stopped paying, and I have started saying no.
And women respect that much more than a man who just cowbells over and starts writing checks.
Right. But just be careful, Adam.
You don't want to come off as cheap and stingy.
There's that thing right there.
But you want to know something?
When I follow my Andrew Tate stuff and I get up in all my alpha male Instagram podcasts, they say the same thing.
They say, don't show your wealth, live like you're poor, and stack your cash.
When it comes to dating, they say, spend everything.
Don't hold back your money.
You have to be very careful.
I'll tell you. Sorry, there has to be a middle ground.
You don't want to be spending, spending, spending, because then she's always going to be expecting that.
But then again...
Well, I think she's going to be expecting that because she has a long list of men that already treated her this way, and she knows that if this guy doesn't follow this procedure, she can dump him and go get another guy who's going to pay the bill.
And yet, Clearly that's not what she's looking for in the relationship, because otherwise she would have closed the book and said, okay, sold.
The currency is not money.
The currency that relationships run on is not money.
And it's not love either.
If it's a relationship.
If she's really looking for a relationship.
If it's not a relationship, then what is it?
She might be looking for a lifestyle.
Okay, a lifestyle or it's some, you know, some watered down form of prostitution, you know, if that's the expectation.
Marriage is the most expensive type of prostitution sometimes.
Let's just be real. You know, it's not prostitution if it's for real, right?
That's what I'm saying. If it's about the money, you have a problem.
I feel like out of all the episodes that I... Way beyond, you know, money and expectations.
I feel like... The relationship, the connection hasn't come through, right?
That's what's missing. So you have to find the whole purpose of dating is creating an atmosphere in which it would be possible to have a real connection.
Where you get to sort of have those moments where you see past the makeup and How do you look into a partner, a new dating partner, somebody that you're just starting to date, and give them the eyeball assessment to our listeners?
What advice do you have to our listeners to find out if this person is looking for a relationship or a lifestyle?
Well, you go on dates.
I had a client the other day.
He told me he went on a date.
I didn't set them up. But he had a date that they went on.
She picked a restaurant.
The restaurant, she looked at the menu.
Oh, no, it's not for me.
I don't like it. Can we do Chinese?
Okay. So he went to Chinese.
Oh, no, this is not working for me.
I don't really like the food.
It took them three different...
Oh my God, I had a date like this like three weeks ago.
...to go find a place for her to eat.
Obviously, this is not the right person for him.
She just has her priorities all wrong.
So... Your question is, how do we know if we're dating the right person?
You have to know. Are our values the right way?
Are our personalities aligned?
Do we have the right perspectives on things?
They say love is not Love is not two people looking at each other.
Love is two people looking in the same direction.
We have to make sure that we're not butterflies.
Of course, that's great, but we have to make sure that we're in the right direction.
The most important moment on any date is the awkward silence.
You know, and how do you guys, what happens in that moment?
That's where, you know, all the blah, blah, blah, the cute stuff, the superficial stuff is paused, and you have an opportunity for real connection.
And I don't have any tricks to generate that awkward silence.
But you can get to that point where we're both tired of making small talk and let's see your cards.
Let's see what's really going on.
And in those moments, the ability to put your heart out and let yourself see for a minute and feel and be authentic And connect and talk about something that's difficult for you, something you're working on, you know, something that is real in those moments.
And you see how they react.
And if they can meet you there, so now you know you're in the game.
And if they can't meet you there and they're like, okay, let's, you know, check please, right?
And they're not able to hold any moment with you.
They're like afraid of connection.
And, you know, so you're barking up the wrong tree.
And you can usually find out If that moment, if they're looking for connection in that awkward silence with a coffee date before you even go to dinner, before you have to spend a lot of money, sometimes you can even get to it on the phone.
But those awkward silences and just being able to hold space with it and enjoy it.
That's where you have real work to be done.
You get the sense of, okay, we're tired of paint.
Let's see what's really going on.
When you have someone with whom you connect, it doesn't really matter at this point if it's dating or friendship or whatever.
When you have someone that you're able to connect to and you see for a minute that they're willing to show up and be human instead of pretending to be an Instagram model.
So then you have someone that's really invested in If they put their Instagram profile and their dating profile, you know this one is probably not looking to settle down.
Well, it means that they're probably looking for that lifestyle.
They're looking for something to be seen on the outside.
Yeah. I always see the girls on the dating apps sitting on a private jet, sitting on the deck of a boat, sitting in a mansion with a gigantic...
You know, it's like...
Not for you. I don't even think rich guys want that.
You know what I mean? Like, oh, great.
She could show me that she's good at spending money.
I need someone like that in my life.
Yeah, but is it true that you got the Instagram versus reality?
How do we know even what they portray?
There's all those people that go into those fake Instagram sets so that they can look rich.
You know, but again, the In that awkward silence, are they trying to preserve their Instagram image and be that?
Or are they trying to be, or does something authentic come out?
Or is there someone home, someone to connect to, someone there?
You know, and that's the currency, right?
That's what we call Hebrew Chein.
Chein is when you realize there's someone...
But I thought Shekera Chein.
Yeah, Shekera Chein.
It can be, in fact, that when you're really connecting, you know, you can connect even on bullshit.
Wow. Okay. When you're really connecting, you know, you could be talking about the Philadelphia Eagles losing to the commanders.
You could be talking about Kanye West and this and that.
Whatever it is that you're talking about.
If you're in a moment of connection, you know, so you can really connect.
That's beautiful. For everybody just tuning in, again, this is The Adam King Show.
I'm your host, Adam King. Please tune in to all of our videos.
Go to our website, theadamkingshow.com, and take a peek.
We are joined today by two lovely guests, Rabbi Shalom Schachter from Sharetzedek Synagogue in Vancouver, and Leila Book, famous matchmaker to the stars here in Los Angeles.
And we are talking about dating and solutions to the dating crisis.
Now, I want to back up to the point that we seem to all agree on.
And I think our viewers...
Obviously, Layla confided in us that she was the one who initially pursued her husband and ended in marriage.
And I want to add...
Since we all agree that women...
If the decision is the woman's to either accept or reject a man as a husband or not, that if she leads the pursuit, there's going to be a higher chance of success.
So what kind of advice can we give to our female audience on how to initiate a conversation with a man?
How to pursue a man?
Because I think a lot of women are very afraid of stepping out of this traditional role of being the...
You know, that pursuing a man means batting your eyes and looking pretty.
How does she take real initiative and pick up the phone and call the guy that she wants and say, hey, I want to date you?
What do you think about that?
What can we teach women?
What kind of tools can we give them?
What kind of inspiration can we give them to encourage them to go out and get their man?
I'll start with you, Layla.
What do you think? Since it worked for you.
It worked for me. I mean, there's so many ways.
Like, I run a Facebook group, okay?
And some people post about themselves and say, you know, hey, this is me.
And, you know, you can contact me if you're interested.
And it's like a guy posts about, you know, themselves.
Again, like I was saying before, what you have to do, send them a message.
Hey, you know, start a conversation.
Don't say just hi. You know, you start a thing, you're like, oh, it was such a nice post that you made about yourself.
Or if you're in person in a, you know, real social setting, Be up front.
Say hi. What's your name?
What do you do?
Stuff like that. I always, when I was single, I always went with one person to an event.
Not more than two people, I would suggest, as a woman, because the men are more like they're, you know, they're a little intimidated if it's a large group of women.
So go with a friend to social events and start a conversation and say, oh, is this, you come here often?
Don't be, be yourself.
First of all, totally be yourself.
Don't set up a front.
Be yourself.
And again, you have, like, either it's yes or no.
Again, a lot of people, they're worried.
What if they say, I say something wrong?
Don't worry about that.
Be yourself. You'll attract the right person.
If you are setting up, you know, you're not yourself, you're not going to attract the right person.
So I think those are some things.
Of course, we can go on with it, but those are some main factors that I think are important, is to be yourself.
Be upfront. You have nothing to lose.
Send that message in Facebook.
Send that social media. If you're on a Facebook group, send that message.
You never really know.
My motto is, you never know.
This is a whole new definition of don't wait for a man.
Don't wait for a man and like let's say you you um exchange contact info at a you know at event somewhere he hasn't contacted you you it's been a couple days say hey send him a text saying it was nice meeting you the other day um like that and and see what he says if he doesn't respond okay fine but at least you made the and actually men like that some Men want to be appreciated.
So you send that text to him and say, hey, how's your week?
It was nice meeting you.
They're going to like that, actually.
They're going to see that, okay, I'm actually wanted.
So it's a positive thing, not a negative thing that you're thinking like, oh, I'm degrading myself.
No, the women, like Adam is saying, oh, no, I'm supposed to be approached.
Okay, fine. If that's not for you, that's not for you.
But Again.
Enjoy your single life, ladies.
Go get some popcorn. Yeah.
The truth is, is now in my dating life, I don't even take a woman seriously unless I feel like she's pursuing me also.
If I'm pursuing her and she's pursuing me, we're going to collide in the middle and have a great time.
I don't like the whole chase game anymore.
I know this is supposed to be like Women think it's fun for men to chase them and whatnot, but I don't enjoy it.
And for the record, how I know that this theory is true is the longest relationships that I have stayed in the most toxic, unbearable situations.
Truth. Because the woman constantly pursued me.
Because I was constantly showered with attention and affection, and I didn't have to work for it.
That I stayed in very, very toxic relationships.
And there are a lot of men out there who are very lonely.
I get women that come to me all the time when I tell them this strategy and they say, well, men don't want that.
They're going to think it's weird and they're not going to talk to me.
And I respond to them, you mean to tell me that a dude who sits at home by himself the majority of the day is not going to talk to a moderately attractive girl that wants to talk to him?
So... I think this is ways that moderately attractive women can become very attractive to men, and they get to choose who they want.
Instead of waiting for that guy to choose them and pursue them, they just go out and handle it.
Rabbi Schachter, what do you think is advice for women?
What would you tell a woman who wants to try this new method and pursue a man?
What advice would you tell her in the pursuit of a man?
You know, the first thing I would say, this goes for men and for women both.
You got to start with prayer.
You got to pray to God.
You got to pray to God and say, God, I want a match, right?
You got to say, I want my soulmate.
I'm not interested in a date.
I'm not interested in, you know, in someone who will take me out and, you know, spend $500 on sushi.
That's not what I'm looking for, God.
That happened to me once, man. How the hell did I spend $500 on sushi?
That's good. You know, that's the issue, right?
It's about knowing what you want.
And prayer is, they talk about that, it's clarifying what it is that you want and coming to the sense of, God, this is what I want.
Please find him for me.
And when she's ready.
And there's a man on her radar that she can't stop thinking about.
And she's doing everything, batting her eyes, making herself look super pretty, following the guy on social medias to find out what events he's going to be at so that she could be at them too in hopes that he might talk to her.
How do you get this girl?
What do you say to this girl, Rabbi, to get her to just be like, stop wasting your time.
Stop wasting your money. Just go talk to the guy.
Maybe he's into you. Maybe he's not.
And then you can move forward.
What do you tell them?
What strategy? Do they just go straight forward?
Do they talk to the guy? It's not about strategy.
It's about confidence. Confidence.
You have to treasure yourself.
And the same is true. That's the answer right there.
If you can spend a lot of money, that doesn't make...
You know, it's not necessarily attractive.
It's the confidence to know your worth, right?
I'm here. I am. You are, you know, a daughter of Sarah Rechel.
Sarah Rivka Rechel Vallea.
You are a matriarch.
We have a big non-Jewish audience, too.
Maybe it's a non-Jewish audience.
You're created in the image of God.
Everyone's worthy, yes.
It's more than worthy.
It's... Divine, right?
You have something that comes from God, and you've got to be ready to follow that.
The Torah tells us that men and women were created with two impulses, one for good and one for evil.
And unfortunately, the long exile has taught us that generally when we're...
We're thinking lustfully that that's our Yetzir Hara, that's our negative impulse.
When you're thinking with your loins, that's your negative impulse.
As soon as you're married, that becomes a positive impulse.
That's a desire to fulfill a mitzvah.
That's a desire to do a commandment.
That's a positive impulse.
And you need to know that that's a positive impulse.
And if you see a guy that makes you excited, that impulse inside of you that's welling up, that is God inside of you, tickling you, saying, go get him.
Go get him, tiger.
That is a divine impulse.
You know, and it needs to be done correctly.
It needs to be handled right.
It's not divine if you're mistreating it, right?
There are ideas like a safer Torah, right?
You have a Torah scroll. Torah scroll is not to be taken out and handled and paraded around naked.
That's not what it's for. It has to be kept in a certain decorum, and it needs to be respected.
The same is true of our bodies.
They need to be clothed and respected and only opened and used when appropriate.
Spoken like a true rabbi.
Keep it kosher. But that's an expression of the confidence that a person can have.
I'm worth it. I'm special.
I'm not cheap.
So what you're saying is...
A woman has that attitude of, you know, I'm here as the image of God in the world, and I've got to find that part of the image of God that...
Whether this person accepts or rejects me, I'm worthy, and it doesn't matter what they think of me.
And I'm going to go for it anyway.
And that's what... And I'm here to see if they're willing to match my authenticity.
And if they are, so great.
And if they're not, so I'm looking for someone who is.
And you're clear about what you want because you've been praying about it.
And you come in with the confidence to know that God is helping you.
And you've got to find the person that's going to meet you authentically and be real and connect.
And it's not about that lifestyle or the ability to...
It's about the authentic connection.
If that's what you're clear that you're looking for...
You know, and you go and you find it, you go find it.
That's... Yeah, you need to believe in yourself.
And it goes with Emunah.
Trust, trust in, you know, who you believe in.
Either it's God or whoever.
You need to have that, keep the faith.
So if you have that, I think if you believe in yourself and you set your mind to it, What else?
You know, all these cliches we can say, but really, it's a matter of fact.
Like, it's all about your mindset.
Mindset is everything.
If you have the right mindset about, okay, well, I'm going to achieve this, it doesn't have to be in just a relationship, in anything in life.
If you set yourself with the right mindset, you will achieve it.
And if it's supposed to happen, it'll happen.
I agree that, you know, If you value yourself...
So you're no longer a predator and prey.
You're outside a predator and prey.
I like that. I don't like this whole predator-prey modality.
I know that it's catchy and it sells.
It's toxic to the nth degree.
It is extremely toxic.
And there's tons of people.
They have these membership clubs.
Come and I'll relationship coach you to the finish line and teach you how to be a skilled alpha male hunter and teach you how to be a little soft...
Beautiful gazelle.
And they have these programs for people, and I don't think that the hunting modality works.
If I'm supposed to be a hunter, I don't want to hunt for my prey anymore.
I don't want My hunger for food and my desire for intimacy and partnership to be pulling from the same energy.
I want them to be separate energies.
I want them to be independent of themselves.
Breeding is breeding. Hunting is hunting.
If we're primal like that.
And I really, really appreciate both of you.
For our listeners that are here, we're going to do more shows like this because I feel a lot of people are going to get a lot of real nuggets of wisdom and help themselves on these ideas.
And Azra, we don't have so much time left in today's show, but I want to just push the can down the road.
Once a relationship happens...
And people get into a relationship, albeit nobody's ever committed, nobody ever jumps into...
The relationships these days are, you know, pretty much everything but calling each other exclusive.
You know, people are willing to sleep with each other, they're willing to...
Spend the night almost every night of the week, but they're not willing to take themselves off the market and be completely taken for the time being.
They still keep themselves open to their friends.
They still keep themselves open.
You know, the possibility that it doesn't work out.
And everybody's talking to like six or seven people at the same time.
So you get to that quasi-relationship.
How do you get...
How do you... What do you...
And this is a personal thing because I imagine some people really want to be in the commitment of a relationship.
I imagine some people say they want to be in a committed relationship, but they still want to kind of play the field.
What advice do you have for people to get to that level of exclusive commitment that can progress towards a conversation about marriage, family, and the future?
As a matchmaker, when I set up my clients up, I always suggest, or I always only do, set them up one person at a time.
Because it helps them focus on themselves and focus on the person that you are dating.
So it gives them clarity.
Dating with clarity is very important.
So if you are focusing on multiple different people, you're gonna compare A to B, C to A, and it's gonna be so confusing.
Like, okay, David has something that I like, but, and then Michael has something, but Michael doesn't have this.
And so you're just like putting everything, like, are we gonna morph like David and Michael into like a package?
And then here you go, I'm gonna create a match for you, you know?
So you have to date with clarity And if you're dating, like Adam said, like want to put yourself on the field and see who else is out there, you're never going to meet that person.
So you got to meet, you know, date with one person at a time, date with clarity, date with focus and intention.
And I think definitely that those are some things that will help you, but definitely don't play around.
Rabbi Schachter, how do we negotiate the close?
How do we get to the finish line?
Once you got the relationship going, how do you get it to full-blown commitment from this kind of quasi-status that Layla was just talking about of Michael and David and whatnot?
How do you get it to, you know, it's Dofka only David?
Yeah, you know, I think that that comes again with clarifying what you want.
You know, a person needs to look inside themselves and say, what do I really want here?
What do I want?
Do I want one person that's going to, you know, build a family with me and is going to be my partner and I could be, you know, vulnerable and feel safe with?
Is that what I want? Or am I still having fun playing the field in that?
That's not really what I want. And if you ask yourself and if you're honest with yourself, so, you know, You just need to be clear.
If you're clear that this is what you want, you want commitment, you want to settle down if that's what you want, and you should be able to communicate that.
This is the phase that I am in my life.
I'm looking for commitment and to settle down.
I'm looking for marriage. And one of the things that I think the Orthodox Jewish world does very right is the sense of dating for marriage.
That we're not dating for having a good time.
We're dating to see how do we want to get married.
And because then you don't have any, you know, there's no question.
You don't doubt that that's what we're looking for.
You know, and that kind of clarity up front is really important.
It's really, really important.
And it's okay that people, I'm not saying that everybody has to be that way.
And if you're clear up front that what you're looking for is a long-term relationship, but your expectations should match.
That if this is what you want.
What you get to sometimes is a moment where one person has changed their mind.
Where one person says, you know, I used to not want, you know, I used to want to play the field, but now I'm done, and I want you.
You know, that moment of vulnerability is really, really precious.
You know, to be able to share with your partner, say, you know what, you are the one that I want, and I'm done playing the field.
I think, again, if a person says that to their partner and the partner reacts negatively, I think that's all the answer you need.
The sense of reality and truth is there.
That's the awkward silence moments.
In that moment of awkward silence, are you looking for somebody else to fill that void?
Or are you comfortable saying, okay, I can be with you and the content of our Conversation is not what's interested in me.
I want to be with you. And I'm happy to be here in an awkward silence because I'm here with you.
And if that scares them away, then he or she is not right for you.
That's right. So many people are so afraid of commitment.
They are. So many months pass by, and then they talk to each other.
They have a heart-to-heart, finally, after so many months.
And the guy's like...
No, I'm not.
I'm not ready for that.
And it scares them away. Or even the women.
It scares them away.
So much time has gone by.
Yeah. It's a waste of time.
It goes back to communication.
It's so important in relationship.
And it goes back again with values and intention.
If we're just dating for having fun.
Okay. Go play the field.
Tell it to me before, you know, before we're going into six, seven months, eight months of, you know, but like if you work with a matchmaker like me, obviously we won't have that problem, but when you don't work with a matchmaker, you do it on your own without a rabbi, without a mentor, you're going to run into those type of problems.
So as we're concluding the show, my take home is this, and tell me if I'm correct, that Before anybody goes out and dates, they need to be very clear and honest with themselves what they want from their dating life.
If they want a marriage partner, if they want a long-term non-marriage partner, if they want something short-term, whatever they want, they have to be very, very clear about it.
And they have to be, if a woman wants to go around and be chaste, She shouldn't go around dating guys who are looking for marriage.
She should go around looking for guys who want to chase girls.
If a woman wants to be married, it's okay for her to step up and have a role in the courtship process.
And it's okay for her to court him as well.
You know, he is going to be the father of your children and your life partner.
It's okay to put some effort into there.
So first and foremost, we have clarity.
Second, we have confidence.
Third, we have commitment.
Communication. Communication, yeah.
So are we at the four C's now?
Clarity, confidence, communication, and commitment?
Just created a new thing.
This is going to go viral.
Okay, so we got a great formula, a great recipe on what people could do practically to find love in their life.
And I challenge all these women, I challenge them.
If you want a man, go get a man.
They're ripe for the pickings.
I want to thank everybody for tuning in to the Adam King Show today.
This was a really different episode.
Very unique. Very cutting edge for a racy political talk show to go out there and start talking about dating.
And we're going to do more episodes like this because I had a really good time.
And if I have a good time, I'm sure my audience has a good time.
So... Layla Book, where can people find you?
You can find me on Facebook, Instagram, at the Dating Concierge.
I have a website, www.laylafindlove.com, or you can send me an email, jewishsinglesmatchmaker at gmail.com.
Just look me up. That is super easy to remember.
Layla Findlove. And Rabbi Schachter, where are you giving your sermon?
Shari Tzedek Synagogue.
You can find us. We're on the web at shari tzedek.com.
We're here right in the heart of Vancouver.
Come visit. Come for Shabbos.
We're here. I think I will.
Right. On that note, I want to thank everybody for tuning in.
Thank you to Rock Breath, our associate producer, who this show is not possible without.
And again, we are coming back on Mondays and Thursdays now, every single week.
We've got our showtimes down.
We've got great guests coming up in the future.
We've got some hot, controversial politics and some hot, controversial dating advice.
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