Old School HellwQrld: L, Sarge, and Mike review "An American Carol"
This week the OG gain is back for a Christmas Celebration and by that we mean they review the terrible right wing movie "An American Carol" which is supposed to be based off "A Christmas Carol" but it really isn't. Feel free to check this train wreck out on Amazon Prime or Tubi if you want to follow along with our rather scathing review. Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/hellwqrld. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
It's Mike Raines, aka Poker and Politics, welcoming you to another episode of Adventures in Hell World, a secret special episode where we're joined by Sarge.
Sarge is back.
He's here.
Hello, I'm having flashbacks to 2008.
I was in Iraq.
It's been a day.
And I'm also joined by the mysterious L. My beautiful babies.
This night, it is I, Santa L, mysteriously creeping down your chimney with holiday cheer.
Here to confuse any new Hell World listeners who don't know who the fuck you or Sarge are and why you're being called a beautiful baby.
But you're in it now.
You're in it.
Yep.
Have we been gone for more than a year?
Yeah, L's been gone for about a year plus, and you've been gone for forever.
So yeah, yes.
I retired right after the presidency shook out the way it did.
You know, great.
And we were all loving it.
Here we are.
Here we are, seven years into the Trump presidency.
Yes.
Oh, wait, it's only been one?
No, no.
Yo, that's the way it is.
It's not great.
Which, of course, we do have to talk about a little bit because of the gang's all here.
But what we're really here to do, dear listener, is we are going to go back to when the bingewerty boys used to be doing our thing and we are going to break down a horrible movie.
And did I say horrible?
Because I meant horrible.
Abysmal.
I don't know what.
So for those of you who weren't expecting this, which should be all of you, because we didn't really tell anybody we were doing this pod, if you would like to play along at home, this video is this movie that we're going to watch is called An American Carol.
Not an American Christmas Carol.
That is a different movie.
A different movie, as we've both learned.
It's called an American Carol, and it is on Amazon Prime.
And to find it, you have to type in the whole fucking title.
You have to type in the whole thing, type in the whole title, and it will appear.
And I think it has got some sort of offensive Arab stereotype on the cover of it, if I recall.
Yes.
And, you know, I don't necessarily encourage you to watch this movie, but we are going to be talking about it and spoiling it for what that's worth.
So if you want to play along at home and understand what the fuck we're talking about, an American Carol.
It's available on Amazon.
It's also on Tubi.
You can get it for two.
Oh, yeah.
It's on Tubi.
Well, then, yeah, I guess I port 2B because it's free, except for ads or whatever.
It's a tight 83 minutes.
Yeah, and you feel every minute.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, boy.
Oh, brother.
Oh, man.
I would pause the movie to take notes, and then I would go to my phone, and I would say, what percent of 88 is 46 to just know how much of the grind I had gotten through.
But then when I found out the last five minutes were credits, I was like, oh, man.
Oh, thank you.
I get a five-minute refund at the end of this movie.
Yeah.
So the reason we're doing this movie is with the title being what it is, you might have suspected that it's a holiday movie.
But it is a holiday movie, but the holiday is not actually Christmas.
But it is loosely based on a Christmas carol.
So we figured what better way to celebrate the holidays, but by bringing you a takedown of this horrible fucking movie that I made, The Gang Watch.
And boy howdy, It was both a hoot and a holler.
And I remember, like, so uh, I remember thinking the first time the length of the movie came into question, the amount of time passing and the fluidity of the flat circle that is time really got to me was when I was just like, dude, this fucking movie feels like it's been off for half an hour.
We haven't even gotten to the part where it's a Christmas carol.
So far, it has just been Islamophobia just with the movie.
Okay, I'm already like now you guys took a ton of notes.
I didn't.
I looked stuff up while we were going along.
I definitely watched the whole movie.
Who were the three spirits?
I only know we get so god.
I'm part of the reason why I took such robust notes relative to what I used to do for sure is that I needed to it'll help us keep the movie chronologically like sound.
So let's let's try to let's try to take it at least a little chronologically because that'll that'll keep us on track.
So this podcast isn't four hours.
Okay, so framing for the movie.
It's at a fourth of July picnic.
And of all people, was it is it how does it pronounce it?
Leslie Nielsen?
Leslie Nielsen.
Leslie Nielsen is there.
Every one of David Zucker's movies.
I don't know who that is, blissfully.
Oh, right.
Did you say you had the IMDb called up?
I didn't bother because that's the director.
Okay, so break it down for us, Sarge.
Who's responsible for this turn?
Okay, the director and writer of the three credited writers is David Zucker.
Now, hit me with who the fuck that is.
I don't know who that is.
David Zucker has made some movies you have maybe watched and think you enjoy.
Like, oh, holy minute.
This is the airplane guy.
Yeah, airplane in 1980.
The Naked Gun series.
It further, then Scary Movie.
Your mileage may vary on all of those.
Superhero movie.
Okay, so he was a well, he's a producer on basketball, but like I don't know how to hey, you keep basketball out of this.
That movie is not good, but it is fun.
So is it better or worse that instead of this movie being a ripoff of those things, it's just by that guy and it's like a horrible sorry, he was an EP on a lot of those movies.
So while he had a lot of like creative input and he works with Leslie Nielsen a lot, I don't know, like he didn't.
I want to correct myself already.
He did not direct them.
He directed and wrote this.
He had two other writers on there because I don't think he does a lot of writing.
He has 16 director credits.
Where are we at as a group on Leslie Nielsen?
I think he was fine in Naked Gun, but beyond that, I really hadn't dealt with him.
So it was kind of jarring to see him in this movie.
When I first saw him, his face looked so much like Henry Winkler.
I was like, The Fawns?
Really?
The Fawns in this movie?
And then I found out it was Leslie Nielsen.
I was like, oh, the Naked Gun guy.
That's.
And you were like, oh, that's like a lateral move, I guess.
Yes.
I was like, this is.
How about you, Sarge?
How do you feel about the Nielster?
I mean, Airplane is still amazing.
But it's just like, I don't know how he actually feels about any of this.
A lot of the, like, the when we get into the cast.
He's got to be dead now, right?
It's a who's who of failed right-wing comedians.
But or as all, as I always like to say, it's a who's who of who?
Yes.
But then Leslie Nielsen's there and he's not even like the craziest slider in the movie.
He's the framing device.
He's the guy telling the story with a lot of really bad ADR kids.
So here's my Nielsen take.
I think he sucks for the most part.
I think he was like a good dramatic actor that accidentally somebody discovered it was just like, it would be really funny to have you do this thing.
And then they found out that having him be the ultimate straight man was great.
And he turned in a couple of Alzheimer performances.
But then as soon as he started to try to be funny, he immediately stopped being any funny.
So that dude hadn't put out a good movie in like, what, 40, 50 years?
Like, when the fuck was airplane or whatever?
What was it?
The naked gun?
Like, what was the last good one of those?
Was it his first movie?
88.
Yeah.
So I was never a huge fan of the guy.
Anyway, so he is the framing device, right?
So it's a 4th of July picnic.
He totters.
He totters and dawdles onto the fucking screen being like a thousand years old in 2008, which should be worth noted.
This movie came out in 2008.
It is cheap as piss.
Like, it's just like, it looks bad.
I have to imagine it didn't take very long to film.
So let's conservatively say it took two years for them to get this off the ground.
2006.
Dude, like the Islamophobia in this movie still seems like it was too late.
And a bunch of shit they were talking about.
Like Michael Moore.
Anyway, we'll get to it.
Leslie Nielsen sits down and a bunch of snot-nosed brats are around him.
They're all horrible actors that are all ADR.
And they're just like, Grandpa, tell us a story.
Spin us one of your yarns, grandpa.
Grandpa, you know how kids love yarns.
Yes.
And right before they get to the kids and spinning a yarn, a random black woman gets beamed by a frisbee and takes a wrestling bump.
And I thought she was going to be like, thank you so much.
You and I.
This proves that you and I are on the same brainwave.
Literally, first note of the movie.
Quote, took no time at all for a black lady to get hit in the face.
Also, welcome to one of, I have determined, we'll get into this.
There are only three jokes in this movie.
Oh, yeah.
And one of the jokes is the slapstick joke that is in all the airplanes and naked guns.
And we start off right there.
And I hope you like Looney Tune style slapstick physical comedy because it is, and I'm doing air quotes here and just put those air quotes up permanently.
It is one of the only jokes in this movie.
Yeah.
I'm putting racism as a joke in a big basket because some of them are really hard to parse.
So Grandpa starts spinning his yarn, right?
And then this brings me to my second note.
Let me know if you guys took any notes that went between these two.
But my note was that I just said wants to be Blazing Saddle so bad.
So Grandpa's yarn brings us to a scene in, I guess, Iraq or Afghanistan, whatever one, whichever.
They're all brown.
They're all brown to them.
And a group of terrorists are doing this gag where lead terrorists is calling for Muhammad and a bunch of guys popping up from behind Roxanne.
He's like, oh, brother, everyone is Muhammad.
Muhammad.
He keeps saying, oh, Jesus.
He keeps saying Jesus.
Yes.
Yeah, they did that little joke.
Yeah, that joke they used several times.
And my note was, it just must have been Blazing Saddle so bad.
Like the way that the way the scene is framed and the dorky joke.
But that's a joke from the 70s that was being done in the hands of like better people back then.
Like now, or even back in 2008, like that shit just didn't play, dude.
That was rough.
Rough.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'm going to.
snap it back just a little because the first of many jokes that I know were supposed to be a joke, but I did not fucking get is in the Leslie Nielsen is making a bunch of burgers and he brings all the burgers over to the kids and then the child actor from the little or whatever takes a big bite of the burger and like makes a nasty face and then goes, I'm not hungry right now, Grandpa.
And it just immediately is not addressed.
Like there's a hold for this is where the laughter goes.
And I was what it's one of several moments where people eat stuff that you fucking moron, the food tasted bad.
What's wrong with you?
The food wasn't good.
Right.
What more do you want?
But it was like, that's the thing.
It's like, no, Mike, it wasn't good food.
I don't think we're off to a rocket start of, I'm like, what was the joke?
And who was that for?
Just that he made the burgers bad.
They didn't look bad or anything.
They're just like, what?
Okay.
That was the thing that happened so often in this movie that blew my mind was like what you just said is like there's like a joke and it just gets left on the table and there's no resolution to it.
Like the moment the black lady takes the first beach of the dome, I'm like, oh, so she's going to complain about an injury and it's going to be this thing.
And they're going to get some dumb slap stick.
Nope, just dumb slaps.
Like the kids are all like spitting up their burgers and they're not happy with them.
No payoff to that.
We just go to Leslie Nielsen spinning a yarn.
It's just, there's all these things where movie 101 would indicate to you there's going to be a follow-up and then there just absolutely is not.
Yeah, at least for these jokes here in the beginning, they're nowhere close to being funny.
Later on in the movie, they set up some gags that, again, like I'm looking at it, I'm just like, you guys are pretty, like, I have it in my notes a couple times.
I'm just like, this is dangerously close to being funny.
But it's just because I'm watching them do work that I've seen done better.
So I know it should be funny.
And I know the stuff they're homage.
I get it.
It just sucks.
But I will say, this brings me to my third note.
It's probably lost in the clowns that are the target demographic for this.
The whole framing device for their movie is literally a boomer rambling.
Like, these kids are like, Grandpa, your food sucks.
Ramble and distract you.
Distract yourself so you don't see that we're not eating your food.
And he's like, you know what?
I'll tell you the worst story you've ever heard.
It's only funny when it's unintentionally funny.
And like, buckle up, Buttercup.
And so on a minor tangent, before we get back on track, that is the first of several moments where they make a joke with no punchline about people eating food that is gross.
And it's just, they just leave it.
But there's a couple of those in the movie.
And I have to assume David Zucker is like, this is fucking hilarious.
This is going to sell.
So we get introduced to our stupid clown terrorist guys, lead terrorist, What's His Face, and then his two numbskull compatriots, who gives a fuck and what's his name?
One of them portrayed by character, actor in bad comedy movies of the time whose name I didn't look up, the bug-eyed guy that I believe is also in Super Troopers.
Jeffrey Arrend, who plays Muhammad.
Just that it's just, oh, he plays Mohabit, does he?
Of course he does.
Yeah.
Just to just talk to your stuff all around there.
Oh, yeah.
And then, you know, we get a series of incredibly incredibly funny terrorist jokes that are just so funny.
They're just so funny that I wouldn't deprive you of the laughs by trying to describe them here.
But we finally get to the next step to the actual framing device of what this fucking movie is about.
And the terrorists, see, they need to make a movie because their recruiting movie is like, they don't have enough suicide bombers.
Recruitment's low.
So they need to make a movie.
And so they need to find a director for a movie.
And that leads us to our main character, finally.
Michael Moore parody, whatever this character's name is.
Michael Malone.
Michael Malone.
Yeah.
When I started making notes, I was calling him Malone and then he just gave up and wrote more after every.
And the other thing was, is they spent a long time doing a terrorist goofus and galliant, which was, I'm like, who rem I'm old, so I know what Goofus and Galliant is.
Why are who are we doing this for?
I mean, honestly, like that, like, I didn't have it as one of my notes because I never thought it was going to be that funny, but I was just like, oh, terrorist, goofus, and gallant.
I could like, again, like, Dave Chappelle doing that in his prime or whatever, probably pretty funny, but these, these clowns doing it, like, right.
No, absolutely not.
Yeah.
And again, that's not me co-signing Dave Chappelle.
I'm just saying this is sort of like the Dave Chappelle circa 2004 would have done terrorist goofus and gallant.
Yes.
Yeah.
So Kevin Farley plays Michael Malone.
He is the monkey paw.
Chris Farley, his brother died, and we got to keep Kevin.
Is that really true?
Yes.
Oh my God.
That's so much worse.
Yeah.
It's so much worse.
Dude, this guy has...
Oh, wow.
What?
This brother truly has none of the sauce.
This note came up at the very end of my note-taking because I was finally just fed up with it.
This guy sucks.
Let's just get it out of the way now.
This guy, like, in a movie with a bunch of bad actors doing bad acting shit, this guy is somehow the worst of the bunch.
He's our main character.
He's fucking horrible.
He's so bad.
And at the end of the movie, he's supposed to learn a lesson and start emoting in a different way.
And he just cannot do it.
He doesn't.
He never learns a lesson.
Like, spoiler warning.
Warning.
Oh, my God.
This movie is so frustrating.
No, he learns a lesson.
We'll save it for later.
They say the lesson point blank down the barrel of the camera at a quote that I found so ridiculous.
I wrote it down.
We'll get to the lesson.
But we're introduced to him here.
And he's in Cuba and he's loving it because apparently in 2008, liberals loved Cuba.
Mike, you were liberal in 2008.
Did you love Cuba?
Oh, God.
I was like, I love the Castro regime.
I love the Cubans.
They're the best.
And so they have our Michael Moore parody in Cuba.
And everything about this movie is just so ham-fisted.
They just have to let you know that communism sucks and that Michael Moore sucks for promoting it and that he's a piece of shit who knows he's doing an evil thing, but he doesn't care.
And the whole scene is just everything in this movie just beats you over the head with a hammer.
And documentaries suck.
They really, really hate documentaries.
It is one of the three jokes in this movie.
Sarge, I am not kidding you.
My next note, LOL.
Oh, wow.
These people hate documentaries.
Oh, my God.
If, like, imagine a Pavlovian response to the word documentarian being, you vomit profusely.
That's what this movie believes normal people on earth do.
Or physically assault the guy.
Right.
Like, imagine if, like, anything.
Yeah.
Like, oh, I hear that you make a documentary.
Well, prepare to be physically punched or slapped or stepped on or thrown out of a window in one scene.
Just absolutely.
They're just like, yeah.
How dare people do a documentary?
Like, what the fuck?
We stomp all over literally this guy, I think three times because he's a documentary filmmaker.
An Oscar-winning documentary filmmaker.
And boy, howdy, they let you know that a bunch.
Yeah.
So big love fest for Cuba.
Everybody loves Cuba.
They make a bunch of jokes.
Giant hammer and sickles everywhere.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Just a bunch of jokes about how all the Cubans want us to actually come to America and how Cuba sucks.
And how Michael Moore like beats the Cubans off of his boat and like lets them die in the water so he can flee back to America because he's a total hypocrite.
Like there's not a second that the Michael Moore character isn't on screen where you're not being told he's a huge piece of shit and he fucking sucks.
Oh, yeah.
So oppressive, the hatred and negativity they have.
He's Scrooge, Mike.
He's Scrooge.
You're not supposed to like Scrooge.
Remember, you're supposed to just like Scrooge.
Not yet.
Yeah.
At the end of the movie, you're supposed to be like, yeah, he came around.
We'll see.
We'll see if this movie gets there.
It'll be a fun roller coaster for all of us.
He totally does.
I'm going to jump ahead.
So our boy gets back.
He has to get back to America because he has to take, he has to do meeting the big boy shit at his headquarters for his big agenda, which is canceling the 4th of July.
4th of July is over.
Yeah.
Because America sucks.
And there are a bunch of subtle posters in the background, real subtle parody shit of documentaries that the filmmakers really hated.
Good stuff all around.
Oh, and he wins an award for his documentary that's named after a Nazi documentary, literally a Nazi documentarian.
Yeah, well, they come back around to that.
I have a pretty strong note on that correlation.
Oh, did we?
Yeah, did I jump too far ahead?
I thought we're going to get there soon.
You skipped past the masked lesbians, which was just like such a hilarious joke.
Oh, because which is what I have to imagine they are because I don't think the fucking filmmakers knew what a trans person was in 2008.
I think these were just supposed to be masked lesbians, but like that shit was hilarious.
He misgendered them or whatever to their faces, despite the fact that they were obviously not biologically male.
Like they couldn't even find the right kind of, like, it was just like, yeah, I mean, they're very Ellen-y, you know, but like, what are you talking about?
They're obviously lesbians.
Again, what was the joke?
They say, we're not going to shave until the troop, they cancel the war, bring the troops home or whatever.
And they go, oh, thanks, guys.
And like, they're women.
And we look at them and it's like, is the joke they're not going to shave their legs?
Is the joke this?
The joke is that he thought they were men.
Yeah.
I was like, is the joke homophobic or transphobic?
I keep it all the above, but I think it's really just supposed to be like, oh, he couldn't clock that they were ladies.
These liberals, man, they're gender-bent AF.
But we also, during this scene, we get to meet his nephew, I think.
Yes.
Right.
Captain America.
Yes.
Literally.
Yeah.
He's like, dang it, Uncle.
I just wish you could see how gosh dang excellent America is.
Yes.
My writing is subtle.
Who you know, I invite you to the 4th of July barbecue every year.
What?
Yeah.
Which is which is weird because he's so useless.
I mean, his Oscars are meaningless.
They make sure to tell you that every time it comes out that he is an Oscar winning filmmaker.
They're just like, damn, that's useless.
Which is so funny.
Movie wants to have that both ways.
It's so bad which again, I have a strong notes.
Oh, and so this uh leads to another thing that sarge brought up, which is, uh, this is another shot of gross food, because he's like in his apartment and he opens a pizza box and there's like a mouse on his pizza, which is office.
Yeah, it's his office and it's just like what's up with the mouse on the pizza?
How long was he in Cuba?
Yeah, isn't he like sort of well off, like they show.
They show where he lives later.
It's like a penthouse, it's like a, it's like a penthouse suite, it's he's.
He's got like a fucking like condo, overlooking what I imagine is supposed to be New York City.
They show where he, they show where he lives later and it's a plantation.
Um oh yeah yeah, we're gonna get to that.
Yeah, we'll get there.
But yeah, that it's the I.
That was my second time where i'm just like what?
Like uh Michael, More like they just keep doing these jokes with, like it's supposed to be gross food, ha ha ha.
But because he's fat, you know, get it.
Yeah, and fat people exclusively eat gross food, and he's not that fat.
They keep they, they really hammer home.
They make a lot of fat jokes, but he's like homer, simply fat.
Kevin Barley is not, I think, canonically homer simply supposed to be like 240 pounds or something.
Yeah, especially overweight.
Yeah right, I mean, it was a different time back then.
That was that was fat as a house dude, that was the fattest part of you would ever see.
Oh my god yeah, people who went to go see that movie at theaters which was nobody thought that they plucked.
They plucked him right out of a circus to do that role.
They were like wow, this is the biggest man i've ever seen, his.
So his nephew shows up, who is a member of the NAVY and is going to be shipping out to the Persian Gulf soon.
And uh uh, Michael Malone's assistant campaign manager a little unclear the, the woman that works in his office, is just like oh, are you here for Anti-american campaigns, not running for office or anything.
He just sees how they talk about, how America sucks.
Uh yeah, sailors get to war.
And then finally uh, the last thing she asked, are you here for the?
Don't ask against, don't ask, don't tell.
And, if I have a note, it's just like what.
This movie's so homophobic and it's like not the focus of the thing they hate and uh, it's just just just a quick drive-by.
Yeah, as someone who was in the military in 2008, we didn't like, don't ask, don't tell, like it was not a popular policy.
Also, this movie does a lot of drive-bys.
I mean, you've already alluded to it, but at some point we deviate to get on a plantation for a while, just so we could get some yucks at the black folks expense like oh, there's a lot of anti-semitism that they don't point at.
But like we'll get there too.
Okay, but we've got to move forward.
So, Captain Married gets introduced uh, what an absolute lad.
And uh, we find, we find out that Michael Malone's hero is Jfk.
Yeah, which becomes important because the next scene uh, Michael Malone in his dumb penthouse suite or whatever uh is watching Jfk do his uh famous speech.
And then we get one of those uh modern Modern, Modern takes on the Christmas spirit.
The spirit comes out of the TV.
It is the spirit of JFK.
And he's here to warn our buddy that he's going to be visited by three additional spirits, which gets kind of money.
I mean, they sometimes have to fuck that part up.
The number of spirits that are just around in this movie is kind of weird.
At any given time, there's like between one and four spirits.
Well, there's really one, and it's fucking Frasier.
Yeah, we'll get to Frasier here in a bit.
But yeah, I will say, I add, you know, credit where it's due.
I'm like, the notes giveth and the notes taketh away from my credibility.
This note says, I hate that I didn't mind the JFK scene.
Yeah.
That guy's.
I thought JFK getting coming into and out of the TV to spook this fat idiot was probably the best part of the movie.
I have a slightly different best part of the movie, but I mean, that was the first time.
The words don't count, Mike.
Yeah, yeah, no shit.
But actually, it's very funny because my favorite part is very close to the credits.
But I will say that the JFK guy looked the part.
He got the accent pretty much right.
And I was just like, this is representative actor in a movie stuff.
Like, this guy's coming in here.
He's giving me a C, which on this curve is like an A-back.
It's incredible.
And also, for the record, like, of all the bad points this movie makes, JFK's specific points in the scene is not wrong.
Like, the guy's just like, yeah, dude, you know, we love that speech.
And then he stops.
And JFK's just like, what about the rest of the speech, you fucking douchebag?
My inauguration speech.
He's like, oh, what rest of the speech?
And he's like, the part why I say I want to kill everybody.
It's like, oh, okay.
Okay.
And this starts, this is a dumb nerd nitpick that I could not help myself with.
This movie cannot decide what its like Christmas Carol spirit rules are because JFK steps out of the TV and the people in the recording react to him leaving.
They're just like, oh, I thought it was such an interesting touch.
And then when he goes back into the TV, we get like a split-second shot from inside, like inside the TV universe, and you can see like a giant window screen.
And it's just like, what is the magical reality of JFK can see?
Yeah.
Like, it's crazy because there's like an old, like, yeah, there's like, to your point, there's like an old lady in the background who's like looking marveling at her hands all of a sudden.
And then, like, to jump around a little, when our first next spirit shows up, they cannot decide what is like diegetic, what is fantasy.
And it makes the movie, which is already not well made, very hard to keep track of.
Yeah, I kind of got into my phone for a little, for like a little bit of it.
I was paying attention to the background.
And then when I looked up, I was just like, wait a minute, why is he still here?
What's going on?
He's supposed to fuck off.
Okay, we've delayed it for long enough.
JFK tells our buddy he's going to be visited.
Some shit happens, and then eventually he is visited.
We're just going to skip right to it because the best part of the movie, probably overall, Kelsey Grammar shows up as Dad.
And just kills him.
It sucks that Kelsey Grammar is apparently a conservative lunatic who's willing to do this movie because up until I learned that, I loved Kelsey Grammar because he was a recurring guest character on 30 Rock.
And I love 30 Rock.
So I was happy to see Kelsey Grammar.
And, you know, under normal circumstances, I'd be like, man, the movie probably could have used more Kelsey Grammar.
But yeah, dude, he shows up and he just never fucks off.
Like, that's not how a Christmas carol works.
Like, yeah.
And Ghost is supposed to go away.
The movie recognizes, he snarks at JFK and goes, oh, what are you going to send?
Three spirits to torture me so I learned a lesson.
So he knows about a Christmas carol and knows the rules of the Christmas carol, knows the setup.
And then he gets, Kelsey Grabers playing General Patton and is the ghost of America.
Ghost of America passed, right?
Yeah.
July 4th passed?
Again, what they're the spirits of, who knows?
But he does America, baby, the vibe.
All the good parts of America that started in 1940 something.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, and the thing I love is like, again, everything's so ham-fisted.
Immediately they had Patton slapping around Michael Moore.
And then they're like, oh, yeah.
Remember when General Patton slapped those soldiers and it was a big to-do?
And it was like, oh, wow.
Like, now I got to go to the General Patton Wikipedia and look up the slapping incident to remember that.
And just as a quick run back, when Elle mentioned like he wins the award for the Nazi documentarian named award, they immediately were like, oh, shit, our dumb audience might not know that she's the Nazi documentarian.
So they immediately throw in a bunch of stuff to let you know that's who she is.
There's an unbelievable amount of like ADR and shit to cover like jokes that they thought the audience was too stupid to understand.
I wish I had written down some more of them, but they were all over the fucking movie.
It was just like they would set up like some sort of visual gag and then like an obvious ADR line or just being like, she dressed like Hitler, I guess.
And he's just like, okay, go up next.
Yeah.
Man.
Yeah.
There were so many jokes that they didn't explain or give a punchline to.
And then on the flip side, there were jokes that they explained to fucking death.
And it's what you got.
There was no in-between.
I don't remember exactly how we get to the slave plantation.
I know that Patton takes it there because he's like, he's like, you know, I think the end result is, hey, Lincoln rules.
So Christmas Carol style, he goes, well, all wars are bad and we never should have fought any and we should just like negotiate and not talk.
And he goes, okay, fine.
I'm going to use American Ghost Powers to show you if we'd never fought the Civil War and Lincoln had just settled for peace.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Now I remember.
This is an important point.
Thank you for recalling that because one of the flaws of this movie's logic is that all of the stuff they villainize sounds pretty reasonable.
Like, you know, I mean, they have to make our, they have to make every liberal in this movie just like a raving lunatic.
Anyone who's left of kill all Middle Easterners, it has to be portrayed as some sort of like fat moronic loser because all of the stuff they're saying is pretty reasonable.
Like, hey, man, maybe we should try some diplomacy.
They're like, fuck no.
Like, copy, let's go back in time and see what it would have been like if Liv Lincoln tried to talk down.
Yeah, talk about the Confederacy.
And it's just like, Abraham Lincoln was one of the world's greatest orators.
He spent a lot of time trying to diffuse situations and do politics by talking.
But you notice we never get an Abraham Lincoln.
No one portrays him.
Right.
Lincoln's just off the page in the movie for some reason.
They don't give a fuck about Lincoln.
They just want to make fun of black folks.
They were just like, hey, we know a couple of black folks that will happily take this paycheck to dress up like a slave and do some horrible shtick.
Yeah.
And it's rough.
It's all right.
It's triggered by white guilt at the powerful.
Oh, yeah.
Well, again, just because they started in World War II, then they backtracked to the Civil War.
But my favorite thing is that, again, the liberal has to be this idiot straw man that walks in the most obvious trap possible.
So like Moore is arguing with Patton.
He's like, no, you talk things out and then you sign an agreement.
So then they immediately like smash cut to Munich and chamber.
To Neville Chamberlain.
Neville Chamberlain and trying to appease Hitler.
And Patton's like, you fucking rube.
And it's like, anyone who knows the story of World War II knows this was it.
Like the Michael Moore character is such an idiot that he's just walking chin first into this right hook that Patton's going to hit him with.
And it was like, really?
Like, yeah, but they needed to, they needed a Hitler.
Hitler needed to be in the movie.
Yeah.
Yes.
Twice.
And Mussolini and Tojo or Hirohito, whoever they need to put in his movie.
I guess the least problematic depiction of anyone is whatever the Japanese leader is with Neville Chamberlain because they don't have him do a funny accent.
He just sings with the other two Axis leaders.
Well, they're getting their shoes shined, in case you didn't realize that.
By Neville Chamberlain.
It was a bad deal, but maybe the audience didn't know that.
So let's get him on his knees shining some shoes.
Michael Ballone literally begins to negotiate with Hitler, Mussolini, and Hirohito, I believe.
It is unclear, and I'm not looking it up.
Liberals never want to do violent.
2008 liberals wanted to do no violence.
Nobody tell any conservatives in like 2016 about that because boy, howdy, their tune really changed when suddenly all liberals were violent thugs.
So Team America World Police came out in 2004.
I was in Iraq in 2006.
We had that movie.
We watched it a lot and like people had it on.
I was also in Iraq in 2008 when this came out.
I have never heard of this movie before.
No single service member has ever said, oh man, you got to see this.
And I got shown like so many fucking Jeff Dunham like bits.
Like it's, it's just bad.
This thing must have been super well received because I have never heard of it.
Like to jump off a little, but yeah.
Yeah, I mean, there's a chance this is just like a straight to DVD nothing or whatever.
So maybe that's why no one's ever heard of it.
I mean, Tubi's got it now.
So that's what that's where the Swamp Thing TV show is.
You can watch Swamp Thing followed by this.
So good.
All right.
We have to forge ahead.
We're on the plantation.
We're on the plantation.
It's rough.
With Gary Coleman playing Baconstains Malone.
That is his character's name.
And then that guy whose name I can't pull right now.
I know who you're talking about.
Yeah.
I mean, this is some excellent podcasting right here.
Anyway, that guy, you know him.
Let me read my quote here for this particular segment.
Yeah, couldn't get through the slave scene without some anti-Semitism.
You were thinking of David Allen Greer?
Of course I was.
Rastus Malone.
I'm not allowed to make a determination on whether or not that guy is still invited to the cookout, but he is really conservative folk adjacent.
I mean, he's rough.
That guy likes a lot of, he pals around with a lot of bad people.
I don't like him.
I don't know if this is our first example of the anti-Semitism or if it's just one of the more obvious where.
I mean, it hit me like a freight train the first time.
I was just like, wow.
Because we get some of these slave folks doing like an old spiritual in the fields and making cotton.
Yeah, of course.
And so hard to talk about this.
It just, it's all coming out so bad.
And then, you know, someone's just like, stop it.
Massive doesn't want to hear that singing.
He doesn't want to hear any of that old spiritual shit.
And then they start singing Havana Guilla.
Yeah.
And then we get the Jewish song.
And they want to be Blazing Saddles so bad, but they're not even brave enough to take the swing.
They do the almost saying the N-word, and then he goes, no, no, no, no, don't say it.
And then we run past it.
Well, movies PG-13.
I don't know if we talked about that, but this is a PG-13 flick.
They need to get in the most amount of good old-fashioned conservative yucks, but also keep a PG-13.
Otherwise, I'm sure that that fucking slave scene would have been Django Unchained levels of bad.
Like you, Quentin Tarantino would have directed this movie if it could have been R, because they would have been like, dude, you can say it as many times as you want.
Yup.
Man.
Frazer will be there with you.
He'll say it.
Smoke it if you got him.
You know what?
Kevin Sorbo is in the background?
We did mention him.
He doesn't get anything.
Oh, yeah.
Kevin Sorbo, you want to come over here and say that we were Quentin?
Kevin Sorbo wins a Oscar for a feature film, which is apparently the only thing that means anything in this world.
So the Kevin Sorbo cameo is done because they have Michael Moore win an award, and they have Paris Hilton doing a cameo with somebody else.
And they have Michael Moore win the award.
And then they basically play him off the stage immediately because the whole point of the scene is to pretend like this is a good thing, but then crush him.
And then Paris Hilton announces that concludes the non-televised portion of the show.
And then Kevin Sorbo wins the big award on TV.
And it was just the amount of pettiness and spite they had towards the Michael Moore character is like so psychotic against documentarians.
And here's where I finally get to, this is one of my biggest and most important notes of this movie.
And I didn't want to jump the gun on it.
This movie, one of its biggest fucking sins is that it wants to have it both ways so bad.
It spends so much time talking about how documentarians are useless.
Documentaries are worthless.
An Oscar for a documentary means nothing to anyone.
And that the person responsible for that is a stupid loser.
But every once in a while, they want to remind you that a documentarian is kind of responsible for the Holocaust if you think about it.
And also, you're going to be responsible for America getting exploded by terrorists if you keep doing your documentary thing.
They simultaneously are just like, documentarians are worthless, but they are also the very hand upon the sword of Damocles hovering ever above the United States, ready to drop and kill us all.
And just like, is the guy worthless or is he like the fulcrum on which America rests?
Like, what are you guys talking about?
Yeah, it's almost like a Stephen King movie where they keep prophesizing like the future, but and this bumbling idiot is the fulcrum.
Later on, they have a, what's his face?
A cameo by that pundit dude or whatever.
Oh, Bill O'Reilly.
They literally have him essentially stare down the barrel of the camera and be like, you documentary guys are dangerous because people might believe the stuff you say.
And it's like, you keep insisting the guy's a fucking loser.
Like, why is he so dangerous?
Well, they have to put him next to not Rosie O'Donnell.
It's incredibly subtle.
It's Rosie O'Connell.
Yeah.
Who is espousing like moon man flat earth talk and they're and there's an aggressive 9-11 truther which there's a lot of 9-11 truth in the truther in this, but they're not for it.
What's so funny to me is I had that note like repeatedly down where I was saying, if this movie was made today, this person would be a hero for the right way.
Yeah, my quote for this, I'm sorry, I'll let you get back to it.
I said, it's charming that in 2008, the Raven conspiracy theory lunatic was a fake Rosie O'Donnell.
A fake Rosie O'Donnell 9-11 truther.
Yes.
Yeah.
He was just so crazy that they just, they had the left be the crazy conspiracy theorists instead of like what it is nowadays where the right are all like QAnon nuts.
Oh, the one other quick thing I wanted to bring about the plantation scene was up until that moment, like Michael Moore had been a little lecherous and a slob, who ate shitty food.
Jesus.
Oh my gosh.
Suddenly on the plantation, they're like, oh, yeah, by the way, he beats the shit out of his slaves constantly.
He's an incredibly abusive slave master.
Oh, that's not even what I thought you were going to do.
No, yeah, I thought we were going to circle back to the fact that when he finds out that ghosts can't see that, like the ghosts can't see them because they're in the past, he immediately sexually assaults a lady.
Oh, I thought we were going to talk about when they pan out.
He's like, bye, Daddy, and he has a bunch of slave children.
Yes.
Yeah, the slave rape.
I was going to bring up the slave rape.
Yes.
He's talking about him being established as apparently being a real sex creep all around.
Yeah, exactly.
And then, like, not that I wanted it, but again, this movie is so afraid to pull the trigger.
There are, it wants to be blazing saddles.
It wants to be airplane.
Hence, all the slapping.
But they will not pull the trigger on any like real sex jokes or anything.
Like, it is so simultaneous.
It's so toothless, and it just makes it fall flat so often.
I'm going through my notes, and I regret to inform you that there were two important things that we forgot to go over.
So we'll try to at least hit that.
Okay, okay.
So we forgot the college, the college music number where they really go after just higher education in general.
They're just like, dude, the higher education sucks.
All these people are about to be smoking weed.
But my note says, I don't know how I keep forgetting that conservatives hate college and weed.
And then they followed that up with, again, one of the times I have to give it credit.
This is one of my first, I think, of these that I actually had written down was this Radical Christian segment was dangerous.
Oh, the Radical.
Yes.
Oh, thank you.
Radical Christian segment, like, they just, they SNL'd it.
They just did too much.
If they, if they had gotten 40, like a tight 45, maybe 60 seconds worth of Radical Christian in there, it actually could have been a pretty funny joke.
But they fudged the bucket by belaboring the point so hard.
The Radical Christian is the only time, the Radical Christians is the only time this movie even got like a chortle out of me when the nun runs on and blows up the bus.
I was just like, okay, that's kind of funny.
Yeah, or when the dude busts into the cockpit of the airplane with the stick and then with the fuck at the wrist, it turns into a cross.
This is radiating like an actual hole.
Yeah.
I was like, what the fuck?
Again, like, you know, in the hands of someone better.
Like, if Tim and Eric are doing the radical Christian sketch back then, when they were in their prime, like, that's actually probably pretty funny.
But in this movie, it's a fucking disaster.
Okay, so we got that.
You know why it's so easy to forget the college scene?
Because it's a complete non-sequitur.
Yeah, because the framework of the movie is nonsensical.
Because again, like, like, Patton is supposed to be there and fuck off.
That's a job.
Yeah.
But Pat just like keeps bringing him to different.
He's like, God, come on.
Let's go to a different, let's go to a different place.
It's like, well, he's the past.
He's supposed to be the past.
Tell me, okay.
Pop quiz to both of you.
Who is the spirit of July 4th present?
It was either George Washington or Tim McGraw or whoever it was, that guy.
Okay, the country guy is death.
He's the ghost of America Future or whatever, you know.
But he has the least amount of screen time, which is consistent with a Christmas Carol.
I think it's supposed to be Bill O'Reilly.
I think the joke is that Bill O'Reilly was supposed to be George Washington.
Is he the past?
Like, Bill O'Reilly is the one.
Like, the three of them confront him simultaneously in the port-a-potty.
And they make a JFK, though.
JFK comes back.
Yeah, he's Bob Marley or whatever.
Who's the guy with the chains?
It's been a while, but like, he's the secret fourth ghost in the movie.
But like, those four are the ghosts in a Christmas carol.
I kept trying, I was like, I was like, the mental notes are stacky.
Yeah, but then like George Washington shows up.
So he's got to be the past guy there.
I think he's just like a freebie.
So the thing that the thing that happened to both Patton and to JFK is they both deal with Michael Moore for a little while, and then they're like, this guy's fucking irredeemable.
What a piece of shit he is.
And when Patton has his mental breakdown that he can't reach Michael Moore, he can't get him to see the error of his ways.
That's when he turns to George Washington.
Rosie O'Connell was not enough.
Yeah, because Ronnie O'Connell wasn't enough.
Yeah.
Okay.
So maybe this is how it breaks down.
So JFK is Bob Marley.
Whatever that guy's name is, I like, I keep getting it twisted up in my head.
The original ghost in the stick.
Then our ghost of America past is Patton, aka Fraser.
Our ghost of Christmas present is O'Reilly.
I guess.
Our ghost of America Future is George Washington.
And then the country guy is just there to embody death, not a ghost of Christmas, whatever, just the embodiment of death.
Because that is like, that is, you know, chronologically how they appear.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then, oh my God.
Okay.
We so Jay would listen to this.
It sounds like we're bouncing around.
It's hard to follow.
Don't watch the movie.
It's this hard to follow because they have no internal logic.
Michael Malone, the Michael Moore character, calls out Patton's Christmas America ghost powers and tells him to use them.
And like it's so frustrating.
So first Pat's like, fuck yeah, I'll use those powers.
Let's let's go.
Let's go talk some shit about the ACLU.
You guys remember that scene?
Yeah.
So before the ACLU scene, though, we get a jump cut back to the Muslim terrorists.
Oh, and when that happens, I'm like, I completely forgot that was even a part of the movie.
Oh, we're going back to the Muslim terrorist.
Yeah, they need a director, Mike.
Yeah.
A director for their new.
So, okay.
When we meet our terrorist characters, they need a new recruitment film from a real director because they can't recruit enough suicide bombers because all the good ones are dead.
But I'm like, oh my God.
Yeah.
And then by the end of the movie, they have just audibled into, hey, we're just going to do a terror attack.
Like a real world terrorist attack.
We're here.
We're just going to blow people up with a bomb.
And it's just like, okay, that's some slick filmmaking there, brother.
Right.
Originally, they needed Michael Moore because they needed him to direct terrorist recruitment videos.
Then they needed Michael Moore so they could get media passes so they could slink through Madison Square Garden and plant bombs undetected.
And so basically the justification for why they're shoehorning this plot line in and it needs Michael Moore just changes as they were rewriting the script as they went along.
So, I mean, that's basically it.
Like, if you're sounds like it's fucking hard to follow, it's because it's fucking hard to follow.
Yes, exactly.
Yeah, if we're jumping around, it's because the movie jumps around.
Okay, back to the ACLU scenes.
The ACLU are zombies.
And they're, again, the stuff that they are about seems pretty reasonable.
Right.
They're zombies that are trying to prevent illegal search and seizures and trying to have the tank commands up in American courthouses.
Did you catch on all the ACLU's papers?
They had the star David.
I did not know.
Oh, that's awesome.
Yeah.
That's great.
But my note says it's super fun that the anti-ACLU scene can't come up with an unreasonable thing for them to do.
Yeah.
Oh, it was Dennis Hopper who, because he's a right-wing nut.
He's the judge in the courtroom for the ACLU scene.
And he's bitching about how they won't let us wiretap the terrorists so we can find out what they're doing.
Like he's basically bitching about civil liberties and pissing.
Isn't it great to shoot people to death?
Yes.
He literally says the first one's always the hardest.
He says the first one's the best.
Yeah.
And the thing was, is the moment they had Michael Moore with the gun and he's like spraying bullets, I was just, I'm like, I'm like, he is going to accidentally kill someone and Dennis Hopper is going to give him a big bro fist and then he's going to get into it.
I just saw that whole quote unquote character development coming from a mile away.
And the other thing that I just, I mean, God, asking this movie to ever have consistency is obviously stupid, but the ACLU were quote unquote zombies, yet you didn't have to headshot them.
It was just any gunshot to their body killed them, even though they were a zombie.
And they were having massive blood spatter when they were hit.
So it's like, and also, for the benefit of the listener who is not watching this horrible movie and it's for whatever reason, just listening to the podcast, this scene is Patton and our boy and a judge and like a billion ACLU guys and a bunch of like Patton brought like a whole army, like a platoon worth of soldiers with him.
For whatever reason, the middle of this movie is just like a small zombie shoot'em up.
And they're there.
It seems like it's really happening.
Yeah, it sure does.
The zombies are real.
Out into the street and stuff.
Well, they start on the street and walking into the courthouse because they see the zombies going there.
Fucking bizarre, man.
Anyway, right, we got to move on.
Then Patton brings them to the 4th of July barbecue where his brother or his, not his brother, his nephew is.
And they're back to being like invisible and intangible or whatever.
We jump past when he takes him to Kandahar.
He actively, he takes him to, no, does Trace Atkins take him?
Fuck.
All right.
Sorry.
We'll get to the Kandahar prayer scenes.
I'm sure sooner or later.
Yeah, I mean, there's no getting around it.
I thought that this is the next thing.
This is the next note I had.
And it's one of the other ones I have to give it credit.
Little Timmy Gag, also dangerously close to being funny.
Thank God then the writing happened.
Again, so the movie being what it is, it's obviously it takes place in modern day and then at the very least like 1940 or whatever, aside from our quick sojourn to plantation times.
Oh, there were two quick things.
One, they took a random shot at Scientology, which good on you, fuck Scientology.
And then they did the transition, I think, from this scene, like from the ACLU zombie fight to the cookout.
And Kelsey Grammer like stares at the camera melancholy for like 20 seconds.
It's like really jarring thing where like Michael Moore's like, I'm leaving now.
And Kelsey Grammar's like, that's fine.
And then he just like hard turns to the camera and just stares at it with like a kind of like forlorn expression on his face.
And they just lock in on him and really, really let you drink that in, the pathos of General Patton.
If you were wondering, is the editing in this movie good?
No, no, it's not.
It's really bad.
It's really, really fucking bad.
If there's a scene that needs a little more time, they cut it short.
If there's a scene that they should, if there's a moment they should cut, they let it run.
Like the little Timmy, like the little Timmy gag that I kind of like.
Because little Timmy comes up and he's just like, you know, they've mentioned him.
Tiny Tim.
Yeah.
And he's Tiny Tim.
But when he comes hobbling on, he's got like the old school wooden crush.
It's like straight out of like the fucking like, you know, 1860 or whatever.
It's just like, oh, okay, that guy could be pretty funny.
But then he opens his mouth and the writing just can't help itself.
And then they're just like, here's cockeyed blind Betty or whatever.
And here's Dialysis Dennis or whatever.
And not only are they, not only is that hacky, but all of these kids are foul mouthed gold diggers.
They're all just like, where is our useless, stupid uncle who we hate and is worthless?
And all of the money that he promised us that we believed he could get because he owes us a fantastic amount of money to cure all of our ailments because reasons.
This really bothered me because this joke is terrible for a million reasons.
Their father is actively in the Navy.
All of them have TRICARE, some of the best health insurance.
And it would cover everything.
This doesn't make any sense.
Like, logically, and the joke goes on too long.
And they just beat you over the head with it because they want to be airplane so bad.
They just like, hey, Riber Airplane.
But yeah, they just can't help themselves.
Like, again, they were so close to having a good joke, they just needed to pull out.
Instead, they just belabor it over and over and over again.
And it's like, oh, we don't.
Sorry, we can't get any of this.
We can't afford this.
I'm like, you're in a very large house and you're active duty Navy.
You're about to deploy.
So, or I think you're active duty.
You don't, you haven't said your reserves.
So we get a scene that I almost forgot about, despite the fact that my notes say it has maybe my favorite joke in the whole thing.
Then we get to the alternate present slash future of Taliban Hollywood.
Oh my God.
And my note says, honestly, maybe my favorite joke.
The like Terra's Terrace guys or whatever, like Kelsey Gramers walking down the street, they're like, Terra stuff all over the place.
Everything looks like it's all Taliban.
And they just say, yeah, they kept all the buildings.
They just changed all the signs.
And I was like, okay, that's like a pretty funny meta joke about how cheap this seat is because it's literally just them walking like down the down like fucking downtown LA or whatever.
And they've digitally removed all the regular signs and replaced it with like fucking, you know, Victoria's Berserk.
Yeah, exactly.
Dumb shit like that.
And I was just like, okay, you made a halfway decent meta joke at your own expense.
Good for you guys.
But again, like they're just like, oh yeah, like, oh, this is what happens to Hollywood when Al-Qaeda takes over.
So of course, then the camera pants to the Hollywood side.
It says, Aluwa Akbar Land or something.
It's so dumb.
Oh, and then to your point, the movie hates documentarians, but in this future where the Taliban is one question mark and like conquered America, they have a giant statue for Michael Malone up because of his amazing documentary.
His work for bringing jihad to America.
Yeah.
He helped break the American spirit to allow Islam to conquer it.
Yeah, this is where my quote that I was ranting about earlier came from through the actual quote I wrote down.
This movie pops that the documentaries are simultaneously worthless and responsible for both 9-11 and the Holocaust.
So that's pretty funny.
Yes, exactly.
Okay.
I don't even remember what this is in regards to, but I wrote down 2008 conservative propaganda movie still manages to succeed where modern conservatives fail.
Colin, condemning Nazis.
Apparently, they must have taken a shot at some Nazis here.
I mean, I guess I think they keep comparing liberals to Nazis, but they, I know the moment you're talking about, and there's just so many like strays where they accidentally make a point.
It's just like as he's starting to learn his lesson, he finds out that his stupid documentary causes 9-11 or whatever, like causes the fucking al-Qaeda to take over the country.
He's learning his lesson.
And then he finally gets like shaken out of his bullshit.
And he's just like, what day is it?
I need to go get the Christmas turkey.
But in this case, they've set up this stupid plot line about all the shit going on.
So what he has to do is he has to go give this big speech where he's going to condemn America and say how he hates America.
And this is where we get him looking down the barrel of the lens of the camera and telling us point blank what the lesson he has learned is in a quote that I wrote down.
These terrorists are trying to kill us all.
That is his come to Jesus moment.
That is him getting on stage and just being like, everybody cut all the bullshit that I was talking about before.
I'm about to reveal that I love Christmas.
But this movie's Loves Christmas is quote, these terrorists are trying to kill us all.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then he gets that he turns on the liberals and they want to beat him up.
So then a bunch of Marines save him.
And because they're the good guy NPCs.
Yeah, because he one of the things he was protesting about is recruiters shouldn't be at high schools and colleges.
Someone, as someone who went to a recruiter, I agree.
And then they like hammer that joke back.
They're like, better thank the recruiters who came to our high school.
We're here to protect you.
And it's just like, okay, why are they in their trestle forms?
Oh, one quick side note here.
Right before he repents, this is where he met the country music singer as the angel of death.
And he went to New Clinton.
And he went to Detroit.
Oh, shit.
Yeah.
And George Washington.
We forgot to say that.
So he talks to George Washington for a beat, which is John Voight.
Because, of course, that nut was going to find his way to get a credit in this movie.
And then he meets the angel of death who takes him to Detroit that's been hit with a nuke.
And they find his ass has survived the nuclear explosion along with his hat.
And then all the autopsy doctors make fun of him.
Who's the head doctor?
It's somebody, isn't it?
It's Zachary Levy.
Isn't it?
No, no, no.
It's like Gary Busey or somebody crazy like that.
It's some wild old conservative nut job.
I can't remember who, though.
Yeah.
Oh my God.
Yeah.
Yeah.
They play around with a big fake prosthetic ass for a while because obviously.
Yeah, because we really, we've really have to hammer home the fat jokes.
And Christopher McDonald is the lab supervisor.
It's what it says in the IMDb.
Christopher McDonald, who's whose name doesn't ring a bell, but I recognize him as one of the one of those that guys.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He's that guy.
Oh, yeah.
We forgot to mention James Woods is his agent.
Yeah.
He was his agent earlier.
Yeah.
The Woodster.
I had that as one of my notes.
James Woods sighting.
I just had a bunch of like ex-sightings, like Sorbo, Void, so on.
I'm like, this guy, ah, of course he's here.
But yeah, so I just love that scene because again, it's like the reverse poochie where it's just every time anyone's on the screen, they have to talk about how much Michael Moore sucks.
And when Michael Moore's on the screen, he has to tell you how much he sucks.
Yeah, we totally blew past them taking a bunch of shots at Jimmy Carter.
Oh, I was getting to Jimmy Carter because he's part of the last convention.
He's part of that final scene.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So having been betrayed by the liberals who now want to stomp and beat him, our boy retreats into Madison Square Garden.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I thought Jimmy Carter was part of the college scene.
Is that where Country Death is?
Yeah, Country Death is.
Country Death is there.
But at the rally that he was supposed to be condemning America at, Jimmy Carter is on the stage and Jimmy and Jimmy Carter is just saying all kinds of dumb shit.
And he's like, and I've surrendered America to the Taliban.
And there's like a reenactment of the reverse Japanese surrender to America.
Yeah, on the USS Missouri.
He's just like, good job.
Great.
Subtle.
So I know.
And the thing that made me laugh about that so much is I'm like, this is 2008.
Why did you not have Obama or Clinton do this?
Why did you break Jimmy Carter out of mothballs to be the liberal bitch who gives the farm away to the terrorists?
Because the movie just has to feel old, like even when it's time.
Like the stuff that it is like, I mean, this was like Obama was about to happen.
Like this was like the fucking, you know, if this movie came out in 2002, I mean, maybe.
Like, it doesn't give it a pass, but I can understand why a bunch of people would just be angry at like specifically the Middle East, but you know, also like sprinkling the Jewish folks here.
It's gay people here.
Oh, that was the thing.
Carter says, one of the things Carter says is Israel is an apostate state.
An apartheid state.
Apartheid state.
Yeah.
Just randomly.
Jimmy Carter, like unifying the gropers and the current far left in solidarity.
Carter getting ready for his 2024 presidential campaign, 2028 presidential campaign.
Yeah.
For some reason, I thought Jimmy Carter was in the college scene.
No, he's at the end.
He's at the very end.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Trace Atkins is our country death, and he calls him a turd nugget.
And what is some good acting?
Oh, man.
He is.
Man.
Oh, God.
He has phenomenal acting power.
He just, I see why the third spirit has the least amount of screen time.
There's just too much acting going on.
Like, I was just sucked into the scene.
Yeah.
I mean, your boy, your country boy is about to be portraying Vega there in that new Street Fighter movie.
Yeah.
What's his name?
Orville Peck.
Orville Pack.
Do you suppose he was inspired by this performance?
Do you think he saw this country boy doing it?
I bet he's supposed to get it.
I hope he channels him.
I hope he channels Trace Atkins.
Yeah.
Dude, I want Vega to just be like, turd nugget.
Oh, man.
So we haven't talked about the terrorists a lot because they jump in and out of the plot.
Lead terrorist, they have a whole scene in the elevator where he says, you look like a terrorist and then pretends to get Michael Moore pretends to get blown up, screams for a really long time.
Does a blood spatter pad of mine, which would be very offensive to Charlie Kirk fans?
Yeah.
And I was like, oh shit, this would get this movie canceled in our post-Kirk world where he's doing the next spray hand wave.
Yeah, nobody tells Mrs. Kirk to stop fucking shaking ass long enough to watch this movie.
She's going to be real offended.
They're going to be like, hey, stop shaking that ass.
It's looking like you're trying to fuck your co-workers.
Come be sad about your husband's death.
Hey, we're all going to watch Melania next, right?
That's a Melania movie.
I mean, you know, if she's shaking ass like that, it's hard to be mad at somebody throwing it back.
Oh, man.
So the terrorist guy, at one point, he goes, oh, you have a thread and pulls out a fucksing fucking box knife as if this movie wasn't subtle enough.
Like a reference that I had like almost forgotten.
I was like, oh, yeah, the 9-11 terrorists had box knives.
Okay.
Great.
And then, you know, yada, yada, yada.
At some point, our Mercury Moyboy puts it together that these dumb idiots are actual terrorists that are going to blow up this building by flashing back to the box cutter and the terrorists.
And then they, again, like a by the numbers kind of formulaic setup in Punchline, but I've seen it work in other movies.
Like they cut in a scene that you never saw where the guy is dancing at a wedding and he's just wearing an explosive vest or whatever.
And it's just like, okay, it's like the scene from that community episode where you cut back to the Gardner guy and he's got the big swastika on him.
It's just like, oh yeah, it's going to be a maze.
It's just like, okay, that's, I get it.
That scene never happened.
The one other thing I wanted to mention before the big payoff of the movie, the big finale.
When he's in the port-a-potty and he's getting chewed out by Pat and JFK and Bill O'Reilly, Bill O'Reilly is so aggressively green screened.
Yeah, it was pretty fucking obvious.
Yeah.
Which is funny because the joke is he's like, you're not a spirit.
And Bill O'Reilly is like, yeah, just like Hiddy Good.
It's like, well, out of all these motherfuckers, he's the one that looks like a spirit.
Because he's green screened AF.
Like, what was he?
Was he busy that day?
Like, what the fuck?
Yeah, could you not get him at studio?
Like.
Could you not bring the port-a-potty set to the place where you filmed his interview part?
It'd just be like, hey, babe, can we get you to stay for this port-a-potty first?
Yeah, funny.
Bill O'Reilly had two scenes and Bill was like, I can't be on set for one of them.
We need to do another extended slapping this guy gag.
Also, speaking of extended gags, we also get, I wrote a note here, finally a scene combining the Islamophobia with some homophobia.
Our two trumblehead terrorists are trying to get their bomb fuses lined up in the stalls of this bathroom and a bunch of proud servicemen come in and hear them saying stuff that sounds like it might be queer talk.
And then the servicemen pin the blame on various branches of the military.
I can't remember in what order.
They go.
The sailors go Marines.
And then the Marines go Navy.
And I was like, oh, rule of threes.
We're going to do this one more time for the Army.
Nope.
No.
Well, because that's all you need to say, because everyone knows the Navy is the gay one.
And you're just like, yeah, I mean, that's probably right.
Navy's the punchline.
So you had to save the rule of three for the Navy being the third, but they Navy is super gay.
Except for that super straight guy that was a member of the village people.
They're all super straight, which is a revelation that happened to 2025 that sadly we did not get to talk about on the podcast.
But imagine my surprise to find out that the village people were straight.
Oh, and the one other thing about one of the two sidekick terrorists, they just had a running gag of smashing that guy's head into things, be it food or subway turnstiles or whatever.
Just slapstick, that guy getting the piss beat out of him was just some, everything that guy's on screen, he's just getting his head smashed into something.
He's just Looney Tunes gags.
He's just a pro wrestler whose gimmick is getting his head smashed into a turnbuckle every second of his life.
So on a military note, this movie does not recognize the Air Force.
Like, there are no Air Force members depicted at any point.
And the Army only shows up, well, not counting in the past with Patent once, because all the modern military that are ostensibly in this are Navy and Marines, which leads me to believe they were able to get a lot of Navy and Marine uniforms, but not everyone else.
Yeah.
And then there's like the send-off scene at the end, which we'll get to, where it's like, you know, it's just like, did they just, did they, did they clear use of this boat or whatever?
Anyway, but before we get there, so our goober idiot main character has put together that the terrorists are going to blow shit sky high.
And our main terrorist guy has disappeared with his suicide vest that apparently controls all the bombs.
Because I'm assuming it's not just him.
He has escaped into the crowd at Madison Square Garden.
He is the elder vampire.
And if we kill him, we kill all the minor vampires.
Yeah, he's the ship that controls all the droids in the universe or whatever in the Star Wars movie.
Where they're just like the fucking evil empire is just like, man, you know what we're going to do?
Make a command ship that if they ever take it out, it destroys our whole arms.
Avengers, if we close this portal, all the aliens.
Yeah, our shucks, I guess, are fair game or whatever.
They're teleporting around all willy-dilly the fucking universe.
Like the guardians of the galaxy just anyway.
We're getting way off track there.
That's a vintage podcast shit.
No.
Anyway, so here, because here's the crux of the movie.
This is like the big final set piece, right?
The problem and the solution, so good.
Terrorist has ducted the Madison Square Garden crowd, impossibly huge crowd.
This country guy whose name keeps being said, Tip Knucker or whatever his name is.
I don't know.
I can't remember what it is.
Turt Nugget.
Yeah, Turd Nugster, the Spirit of Death.
He's about to perform.
So our main character is just like, well, there's only one place where I can see the entire Mass Square Garden at once.
And that is from the stage.
So instead of telling anybody anything or doing anything else, he just runs out there.
He like shoves Country Guy out of the way and starts talking into the microphone as a way to vamp so he can visibly look with his special eyes at all 40,000 people in Madison Square Garden to see if he can spot this terrorist.
All of them think.
All of them troops.
Because Trace Atkins, Turd Nugget, is putting on a free concert for, I guess, just the Marines in the Navy, because they're the only ones that are there.
Yeah, it's a big game coming up concert.
And a bunch of Marines are just like, Michael Malow, what are you doing here?
This concert's for people that love the troops.
What?
And you hate the troops.
They say, look into the camera.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What are you doing here?
You were supposed to hate the troops.
There's nothing for people that love the troops.
Do you want to reveal how he catches head terrorist with a slapstick joke?
I would love to, but I kind of forget what it was.
He just says, stand up if you hate America.
Yeah, he goes for a crowd pop where he goes, all right, who loves America?
And everyone that wants to see America destroyed and only lead terrorist guy stands up.
He goes, yeah.
And he goes, get him.
He's a terrorist.
And then the two terrorist goons turn on him.
Yeah, we did not talk about the B-plot of the terrorist goons falling in love with America.
We had too much to cover.
The two terrorist goons actually love America.
Want to stay they get a happy ending where apparently they're absolved of all their terrorism, and they yeah, they get to work with them.
They get to they get to be on, they get to be part of the staff of um of Michael Malone, the redeemed Michael Malone's like new project.
That was actually feature.
That was actually my like my one like shining moment for this show was that I totally expected the bumbling sidekick Muslims to get murdered because that's the way this movie works.
The fact that they actually got a happy ending was like, I was like, oh my god, I can't believe subverted.
Yeah, my defused the bomb, yeah, and during our whole like homophobic scene, but also they pulled a red wire and he goes, which one's the red wire?
I'm colorblind, and then again, the movie holds.
And I go, Is this a joke?
Yeah, is it paid on?
Like, was that a punchline to something that they set up earlier?
It seems like it's just in a vacuum.
He's just like, oh, though, I'm colorblind.
Pull for applause.
So many moments where the movie does that and just holds.
And it's like, is this a joke?
Genuinely, I need someone to, I guess, I'm not smart enough.
I do have a positive note for the movie here.
So after our buddy saves the day and the country musician is about to get to play what's they've turned dug into.
He, my actual favorite line of the movie happens because our boy Michael Bohr, what I had through Imagine was to be ADR just says, How about you rednecks play some of that horrible country?
Yeah.
So I was like, wow.
And the whole movie, I just disagree with very nearly 100% of the whole movie.
And then at the very end, they slide in like a 0.001%.
I'm just like, yeah, I agree with that.
As he walks out when Rednecks play some of that horrible country music.
As he walks out with Patton, Patton, apologize.
Sorry, sorry, I made you listen to country.
It took you to a country music show.
Yeah, just like country music getting some shots.
Also, Patton's still fucking here, by the way.
He's a real person.
Patton just like physically literally exists and is just walking around with our main character.
You're also a ghost with powers.
Yeah.
He's both.
You think he's going to walk off like Field of Dreams, but no, he's like, then they talk, they have a little walk away conversation about how the real Patton died.
Like, you got hit by a car, right?
Yeah.
Well, I didn't see that one coming.
It's like, what?
What?
What was this line for?
Right.
And that feeds into my other thing is now we have Spirit Kennedy doing a movie in modern times with Michael Malone.
How is Spirit Kennedy alive?
Yeah, is this the actual show?
We're not there quite yet because we have to go to the teary-eyed send-off at the docks.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Or a buddy remembers his actual find, discovers his actual lesson.
He goes in the docks to see off his Navy boy because, again, I guess they got this boat for like a night.
And they're like, all right, Navy, it is.
And Navy guy's just like, hey, man, I'm shipping out to do the Navy thing as we discussed earlier.
We may or may not have covered in the podcast, but he's getting deployed.
And his uncle shows up and it's just like, you know what, man, I actually kind of love America and I'm proud of you.
And he's just like, I always knew you loved America and were proud of me.
No, I'm leaving.
And the kids are there.
And then they all get knocked into the water and some slapstick bullshit.
Yeah.
He does the moron salute from Scary Movie.
He sure does.
Yeah.
But like, unironically.
Yeah.
I think he just thinks that like his brother would have done that.
You know, and the thing about this too.
And I, and I just, I looked at that and I'm just thinking to myself, like, did he not just like murder all those children?
I mean, how many of them can swim?
How many of them like are going to be able to not drown?
Dialysis girl is dead.
I mean, there's like, yeah.
And also, like, as soon as they show up, they're just like, oh, there's our dumb fucking worthless, stupid piece of shit, fucking loser uncle.
And it's just like, okay, well, you know, guess who just lost their dialysis money?
I actually am pretty successful in my field.
And I'm about to start raking it in once I pivot to conservative shit.
Boy, howdy.
You have no idea how much money I'm about to make.
So he's just like, and you know what?
I don't want to have to deal with you.
So I'm going to fucking kill all you kids.
I don't want you guys to be in the last scene.
So you, the wife, the kids.
You're all here just for a gag anyway.
I'm going to do the most conservative of all.
I'm going to kill all these kids and I'm going to fuck this wife of that serviceman that isn't even off the docks yet.
I'm going to fuck her right here on the docks.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then we get to the ghost of JFK, who is, again, and also a real person shooting a movie about JFK for our dumb idiot and the two terrorists who have been absolved of their sins and are now just on working visas in America.
Yeah.
Because Americans do get it.
We love immigrants.
They immigrated.
There's no way this fucking movie posits that those two guys are here.
The people that made this movie would not let those.
Those Browns are not here legally.
I think that's right now.
You tell me they're working a job?
Yeah.
You tell me they're legally here working jobs?
What are you talking about?
Yeah.
Man, we it doesn't matter at all, but we totally skip over the scene where we see him become liberal radicalized because he dropped out of film school and his girlfriend hooked up with a soldier.
Oh, yeah, I forgot about that part.
Yeah.
And then we do a gag where we pan out and she's maybe hooking up with like she's into him.
She seems like she's into him until she's just like, yeah, I'm going to film school or whatever.
And she's just like, oh.
And then her face immediately sours.
And then the next time we see her, she's just like grinding on some dude in a military uniform.
And then they get married and he shows up and is bummed out about it, I guess.
He got radicalized by again, they just turned him into a weird sex loser, which is fine.
But like, again, like, history is born out.
It's really more of a conservative thing.
I mean, we've got the data.
Like, I can show you that.
Did we talk about how he asks Patton the first time they jump around, can people see me?
Am I here?
And he goes, no, they can't see you.
And he goes to touch a woman's boob and she slaps him.
And he keeps doing that.
Yeah, yeah.
Every time.
He loves trying to sexually assault these ladies in ghost form.
He does it two or three times.
Yeah, he does it at least three times.
And it he's getting buckwild with the slaves at the party.
He's like chasing around like the wait staff or whatever.
And the other, the like actresses are there.
And it's just like, yeah, yeah, we get it.
He's like a creepy perv or whatever.
But, I mean, they don't do anything with it.
It's just like...
No, nothing pays off.
Nothing pays off in this movie.
And also, fucking dollars to donuts that the target demographic for this movie give them the power of invisibility and intangibility.
Give them the ghost power or whatever and put them around any amount of breaths.
See how they react.
I told you they're going to be grabbing them titties.
They're going to be trying so hard.
Like, it's a slam dunk moral check to just not do it.
And I'm sure that the target demographic for this movie is going to fail that hard.
Yeah.
Look on.
It's just, to me, the whole thing about the movie was just the absolute crippling lack of subtlety.
Every bad character says evil and bad things.
Mike Malone, every word out of his mouth is toxic or shitty.
Like the first time he runs into the terrorists, he says, like, good luck with the hummus or whatever.
Just literally makes like a random slur attack at them.
The opium sales must have been good this year.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, the opium sales must figure this year.
Yeah, but they were.
That was the joke, Sarge.
Yeah.
The terrorists mentioned that the opium sales were good.
Like $10 million.
We saw so much opium this year.
And it's just like, are terrorists supposed to be rich?
Is that like a feature of Al-Qaeda at the time in 2008?
Am I supposed to think that they're just dumb fucking rich?
Oh, so I just went to the Wikipedia.
The budget for this movie was 20 million.
Its box office was 7 million.
Box office?
What?
It's unbelievable.
That's the least believable thing ever.
Box office.
That even got a theatrical release.
Oh, the Japanese character in the Neville Chamberlain scene is credited as Tojo.
He's one of the good ones.
Take from that way.
Man, it was a deep-cut inside joke.
There is.
Oh, man.
In keeping with the fucking stupid ass, just passive to directly confrontational racism of this movie, which is crazy.
Because again, like, the core thesis of the movie is that all Middle Easterners are terrorists and the terrorists are trying to kill our country.
And that it is morally right and good to kill them.
That is what the movie is trying to convince our buddy about.
Yeah.
He's literally just like, hey, let's go back to World War II and see what being diplomatic with Hitler gets you.
And then let's go to the plantation to see what being diplomatic when you're linking gets you.
Guess what?
You should be killing the people you don't like.
P.S.
We don't like any of these Islam types, if you get what I'm saying.
Islamophobia is the through line of all of this, but there's a lot of other people.
But yeah, everybody's like, I mean, they just can't help themselves.
Everybody, again, they're just like, why do we need a slave owner plantation scene?
And they're like, they could just visit Lincoln.
Yeah.
Yeah.
They could just talk to Lincoln.
Yeah, they could have just visited Lincoln.
He could have sobbed about the South seceding and how it broke America and he should have found the will to fight, but he went for appeasement and that was a really bad idea.
I should have done more.
Yes.
But why didn't I pick up the sword instead of the pin?
I'm not here to punch up this movie, but like, if everyone else has slapped him, why not Lincoln?
Yeah, I mean, we're just YOLOing ghosts left to right, dude.
Let's get to the Lincoln.
But if you just haven't talked to Lincoln, you can't have any of the FUD people dressed as slaves, dude.
There's a day on set where the guys making this movie are going to be like, dude, it's a slave day.
They're like high-fiving each other by the seeds or whatever.
Like, yeah.
They just, they like it.
They wanted to be on the plantation with the slaves.
Yeah.
And also, if we don't have the slave scene, we can't have Michael Malone be a slave raper and a slave beater.
Yeah.
He can't be a psychopathically violent sex fiend, which again.
It's like inception because then if we don't have all that stuff, we can't have the anti-Semitism randomly out of nowhere of them switching from theirs.
Because there's no way, like whatever joke that was supposed to be, it's not like it was in good faith and it's going over our heads.
Like whatever that's supposed to communicate is certainly anti-Semitic.
Yeah.
Because yeah, the anti-Semitism is here.
Don't worry, listeners.
But they just don't draw a lot of attention to it.
Because like I said, when the ACLU zombies are pushing papers at people, all the papers have a Star of David on it.
And they do not.
I didn't notice that, but they're all supposed to be lawyers, right?
Yeah.
That's the whole point.
Yeah, yeah.
So, okay.
I did not notice that, but that tracks.
I mean, in keeping with this movie.
Oh, yeah.
And I think I have one final note.
We've already kind of touched on it, but I too.
Dude, the main actor fucking sucks so bad.
And then love that they recognized Kelsey Graeber was better than everyone else.
It made sure he was at half the flick.
Yeah.
We can't belabor this point enough.
The ghost is supposed to fuck off.
He just gets like a goat.
It really tries to do Aladdin.
Like, you know, like, he didn't rub a genie.
He didn't rub a lamp or anything, but like Kelsey Graber shows up and he's just like, I'm just your geni buddy now.
Rather, for the rest of the movie, he's just like holding them by the hand, taking her around, like different times and places, like getting a fun action scene shooting up some zombies.
It's like, yeah, and like the whole thing is, it's supposed to be at some point that like Patton is supposed to hand him off to Washington, who then hands him off to the angel of death.
And it's like, no, Washington gets one scene with him, and then the angel of death gets one scene with him.
And we're done.
Yeah, because we, we just dabbing each other up, they're drinking smoothies.
Yeah, Trace Atkins is such a bad actor that they had to like bring Kelsey Graber in to deliver the message of the Angel of Death scene.
Patton shows up and like, oh, I'm here to teach you the lesson in this scene.
He just like wanders it from off camera with like a cold one in his hands, like punching a dart.
It's like, oh, yeah, I got this.
What the guy's trying to say is that you should like America or whatever.
Yeah.
Pat, what are you doing here?
Don't you ever supplier to be?
He's like, no, baby, I'm dead.
Why are you always on set in like full costume?
I can be wherever I want to be.
And of all the places that I could be and I want to be, I want to be with you.
Character who is established to be worthless and terrible.
But General Patton is the movie being his pal, his buddy.
They're just like shooting the breeze about the circumstances of Patton's death.
Patton has spent like at least one full day with him, globe tratting around the world, a whole new world style.
It's a love story between a ghost and a man.
Oh, you're not wrong.
And that ghost is heartbroken that he wasn't able to redeem the man and he had to talk to George Washington about that.
And then George Washington and the Angel of Death are finally able to turn the screws that Patton couldn't turn to finally.
And Bill O'Reilly also green screen, slaps him around a little bit, and then finally makes him come to his senses and find out.
Oh, geez, I didn't care if I died, but I don't want, I don't want all of Detroit or whatever to be nicked.
What did those juggalos do to anybody?
I could not tell you.
Oh, is it Madison?
It's Madison Square Garden.
They do say that.
It is really hard to keep track of where anything is happening.
Patton is holding him by the hand and bringing him around the whole fucking world like a magic carpet ride.
Yeah.
At one point, they're at Columbia.
I know that.
Then they jump to Kandahar.
And we didn't really talk about that scene because it does not matter.
There's so many scenes in this movie that do not matter.
Our listeners are savvy.
They can imagine the Islamophobia.
Yeah.
The one thing about the Kandahar scene that just blew my mind was that it's all these American troops aggressively praying and being like just so much just we love our God and everything.
And then the mortar attacks happen.
And it was so weird to me because I'm like, the whole point of this movie is that religious fanaticism is bad.
And then you do this weird scene where the American people are like, I love Jesus so much.
He's so great.
It's like, do you not see the mirror image here?
Do you not see what this means?
The chaplains aren't at the front with us.
Yeah.
And I refuse to rewatch this, but I think the chaplain has a gun in that scene, which is not a thing.
Also, think about it.
Also, we have Jewish and Islamic chaplains in the military.
You have rabbis and imams.
You have a diverse religious group of leaders to help out people of those faiths.
But in this scene, it's just Cracy McChrysterson and the Jesus folks all just like praying hard on the front lines.
Yeah.
I don't remember this scene fucking at all.
I have no idea.
Like, this scene is, and I'm certainly not watching this.
He sees a bunch of terrorists.
Like, Patton takes him to Kandahar for some reason.
And he sees a bunch of, I guess, terrorists all kneeling under guard with blindfolds on.
And he goes, you can't blindfold them.
That's against the GV.
Yeah, I do remember that part.
And he goes, when they recognize him.
Yeah, and they all recognize him.
They're like, oh, because he's worthless.
He's a worthless piece of shit that nobody likes except everybody in the Middle East.
He inspires Islamic terrorism like you wouldn't believe.
Yeah.
Yeah, except he's like Osama and Christ to those people.
This movie makes no sense.
It has no internal logic.
It's not funny intentionally at any point.
But not only did we make it through watching it, we also have made our way through talking about it and about the amount of time allotted that I thought that it was going to take us to sort of digest most of this.
It seemed like it was sort of like the movie itself.
It seemed like it was dragging real heart there.
But now that I'm looking at the runtime, it's about 90 minutes.
Yeah.
It's like, okay, fair enough.
We've talked about the movie longer than the movie.
Only by a few minutes.
And that's because we went on some tangents.
Yes.
As we won't do.
Right.
Yep.
This guy was a Christmas present.
Do you think anyone's going to like or care about this?
I hope so.
I hope people care about it.
God damn you.
Because that movie sucks and watching it was a chore.
Thank God the payoff was riffing on it with you guys.
That made it worth it somewhat.
Fuck it.
Well, okay, guys.
So we have to get to the last segment.
You guys, Sarge, would you recommend that this year movie?
Oh, God, no.
No.
This is, without no jokes, literally the worst movie I've ever watched.
This is worse than Human Centipede, which was my worst movie before this.
Don't watch this even for free.
My grand's already gave this movie three thumbs up.
He even stole one of Sarge's thumbs.
He can't get enough of it.
As soon as JFK showed up, he was just like, oh, this movie is perfect.
That's me.
You put Kennedy in the movie, and you got me.
I don't know what your actual final thoughts on the movie.
Unbelievably terrible.
Just so ham-fisted.
I mean, it's just, oh, my God.
The total lack of subtlety, the fact that everything had to be driven into your head of a jackhammer, it was just, man.
I truly, I don't understand how professional writers and actors and everyone could be involved in this movie and not see how bad it was.
I mean, I mean, I guess it's like that whole thing.
If you're like a British actor, it's a living, but man, man, you have to know you're working on a real dog here.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's like a four out of 10 movie that they're somehow snatching a two out of 10 or one and a half out of 10 rating out of somehow.
Right.
Like the material's not like, it's obviously a big fucking Islamophobic piece of shit.
But, you know, in the hands of like a competent comedy director in that time, you know, maybe with some actual stuff to say aside from Islam bad.
Like I could see this movie reaching to the mighty goal loft, mighty lofty goal of a four out of 10.
But as it is, it's much worse than that.
It's like a one and a half or a two out of 10.
So they managed to fucking shoot for the middle and missed a lot.
Like, I don't know.
Yes.
This shit sucks.
It's essentially irredeemable.
Not only is it bad, it ruined my opinion of Kelsey Grammar.
So it has done psychic damage to me in that way, which is unfortunate.
So yeah, let's go ahead and bump it down to a one out of 10.
Take that movie.
So anyhow, do you remember the outro, Al, or should I take us out of here?
Oh, God, I haven't done the outro in a full year.
No, I do not remember the outro.
Do I stop my notes?
Vamp for a moment.
Do I stop my podcast notes?
Whamla Ding Dong.
That'd be awesome.
I have a show notes document.
Does it have a is it the same?
Yeah, it's pretty much the same.
Yeah, go for it.
All right.
Thank you so much for listening to bonus episode of the Adventures of Hell World podcast.
If you have some money and you want to put it in the pot instead of doing good with it out in the world, which we always recommend.
But if you want to give it to the podcast, you can do so by visiting the Patreon, patreon.com slash book politics, where Lord knows how many hours of bonus content exists now.
According to my ancient notes, it was over 40 hours.
It has to be way more than that now.
Thank you so much for everybody who's already rocking over at the Patreon.
We love you, you beautiful babies.
You're the best.
If you want to do some good in the world, you can visit love146.org.
They're an organization whose vision is to end of child trafficking and exploitation.
They'll take all the help they can get.
We've always rattled that there, Cage.
So go ahead and visit them.
Thanks always a DJ Minimal Effort for use of our theme song that was accidentally remixed by Mike Reigns back in the day.
I remember when that happened, it was pretty funny.
Thanks to our boy Frosty.
You can be found on social media at FrostyVO for all of our voiceover work.
And you can find the podcast on various social media at Hellworld with a Q instead of an O.
I am still lurking around on Twitter mostly to watch fight videos and whatnot, but I can be found there at Hellworld Fatty.
Hellworld's spelled the same way.
Sarge, where are you at these days?
If I post anywhere, it is on Instagram and very rarely on TikTok.
I think I'm Grey Ghost Guy on TikTok and I'm Iceman6400 on Instagram.
You can see my Warhammer minis, which is really all I post anymore.
Right on.
So for another successful bonus episode of the Adventures of the Hell World podcast, I am the one of your co-host Mysterious L, joined as always this one time that we've done this by Sarge, who is always the captain of our ship, the ever-aloving Mike Reigns.