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July 28, 2022 - Adventures in HellwQrld
01:33:13
Adventures in HellwQrld Episode #97: Bannon Convicted, Jones on Trial, Trump Investigated

Everyone's a crook in QAnon world and we're here to go over Bannon's conviction, Alex Jones having his first trial starting in Texas and the reports that the God Emperor himself is being investigated for doing all the crimes. Get bonus content on PatreonSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/hellwqrld. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Time Text
Music.
CONTENT WARNING The Adventures in Hellworld podcast talks in depth about QAnon, which means we have to talk about all kinds of child abuse and violence against people.
Listener discretion advised.
Hello, everybody.
I am Mike Rains, a.k.a.
PokerinPolitics, and welcome to another episode of Adventures in Hellworld.
I am joined, as always, by Sarge.
Blood for the Blood God!
Skulls for the Skull Throne!
No reason.
I'm just in a Warhammer 40k mood.
I'm more of a Slaanesh guy, actually.
I'm more about decadent hedonism and the mysterious El.
Hello, my beautiful babies!
Keeping it British.
Yes.
We have one, I mean, we have the Chaos Marines, I mean, basically one of the most terrifying forces in 40K, and the British, who conquered them and enslaved the world.
So, I mean, we have two great forces of evil on the podcast.
And created in 40K.
Yes.
England was overpowered.
They dominated everybody because they were a bunch of proper assholes.
Then a splinter group of those assholes went off and became a wily little country called the U.S.
of A. And Ireland's been giving them headaches for like a thousand years.
They had their chance to crush Ireland.
Should've done it.
Way to suck, Britain.
Yeah.
You can't leave a single Irish alive.
That's right.
That's where that old proverb comes from.
Sun Tzu said it.
Yeah.
The thing I enjoy more than the fact that like QAnon's so obsessed with Sun Tzu, mostly because like, after every crushing defeat- Are they?
Yeah, they are.
Oh, every, everything, like every time like something goes wrong against them, they're all just like, when you are strongest, appear weak.
It's Sun Tzu tactics.
They're just like all about like, they're like, have you read The Art of War?
It's like, yeah, I lived through the 90s when like everyone talked about The Art of War.
I get it.
Yeah, it's got to be the most popular book of military strategy ever written.
So it like it makes perfect sense that QAnon would really love it the same way they really like because it's intro to like strategic warfare in the same way that The Matrix is intro to philosophy.
I love The Matrix.
I want to read The Art of War, but I feel like I'd be forced to read Fight Club after that, and then whatever little personality I have would just drain out of my body upon reading those two books.
You would get killed.
You'd just become this literal art of war slash fight club parodying idiot.
You would literally be the avatar for Zero Hedge.
You'd just be Tyler Durden.
Well yeah, we all know that QAnon and conservatives in general are typically incredibly anti-capitalist.
So they really felt the message of Fight Club, personally?
They were just like, yo, capitalism fucking blows.
Famously so.
QAnon, I've learned, really understands the media they consume.
I literally saw a video today of one of the True Devote... It was the True Devote guy with the giant beard.
And he had his head put on top of Thor's body.
And he was fighting... This is the scene from Ragnarok where he's fighting Hulk.
And he's fighting Hulk, who's Adam Schiff.
And I'm like, you do know that Thor and Hulk are friends.
And after this fight, they, like, get together and, like, save the universe from, like, hell.
They're famously war friends, per the...
For the line.
Right.
And it's like... Why are you putting Adam Schiff's face on Hulk?
Are you saying Adam Schiff's a good guy now?
You people hate Adam Schiff.
You call him a pedophile.
You... Also, famously, Hulk is strong as there is.
So... Are we talking... Do they think Adam Schiff is strong as there is?
Maybe?
I mean, like...
If you have a villain, if you need that thing, you just have Thor fighting Thanos, and you put some bad person's head on Thanos.
You're like, look, the bad guy is the bad guy, but they probably think Thanos is the good guy in those movies.
Stop trying to massacre my boy!
You monster, you leave Thanos out of this.
I'm sorry, I'm just trying to think.
Well, I guess Thor could fight Loki, but I mean, Loki kind of face turns after a while, so...
Hashtag Thanos was right.
El's Hot Takes.
Okay, well, El's Hottest Take is that it's time for us to talk about, yes, even despite Serge's protest, still our newest, technically newest and greatest segment, the Amuse Bouche.
It's time for a light sampling of insanity.
Get ready for the Amuse Bouche.
Okay, well, so Ron Watkins had a rally, and so we finally got to hear from The Champ.
The Champ is back, and he is speaking to the press and the public, you know, publicly.
So, Mike, what did Watkins have to say at the Ron Watkins rally?
Uh, well, it was a Trump rally that Ron was supposed to- I'm sorry, the Trump rally.
But you know, it's really the Ron Watkins rally.
Right, exactly!
We know who the headliner is.
No, you're wrong!
Exactly!
So there was a Trump rally and Ron had been making a big deal on Telegram about how he was gonna be there and how you could get some swag from him and his fellow campaign staff and all this cool stuff was gonna happen and the rally happened and Ron was nowhere to be seen.
Ron was nowhere to be seen and his campaign staff did not actually have swag.
They just handed out like little like I guess, like, pieces of paper, pamphlets, that were like, Ron Watkins for Congress!
You should vote for him, because he's great!
Little pictures of Ron Watkins' dead-eyed stare and that little fist motion he did.
It's like one of those Mad Magazine, like, folded things, but it tells you to fold it very slowly.
They're just, like, even slower than you would normally... slower than you're thinking.
Do it that way.
So, Rod Watkins not being there to hand out merch, that means that Sarge's dream of getting Rod Watkins merch is dead, right?
Actually, it's not, because Arizona Right Wing Watch, a friend of the podcast, and someone that we, again, had someone doing oppo research hate listening to me in order to hear the interview I had with Arizona Right Wing Watch, she told us that she has obtained merch and that it is on its way to Sarge.
Yay!
I'm so excited!
Time to wear it out in public and find out some stuff about your neighbors!
You're not wrong.
It's like pilling detection.
It's like a Geiger counter for pilling.
Yeah, but it's like, but it's a really poor one because you could wear something lower grade and maybe find out.
This is like the high grade.
If you actually get someone to react to a Ron Watkins shirt, they are aggressively pilled.
Yeah, they would have to be pretty deep down the rabbit hole, so to speak.
To use the par lines of the genre.
I was talking about this with my brother, because I, like...
This weekend I was out of town so I was riding with him and I was like, oh I'm so excited!
Mike's telling me they got me this Ron Walken shirt.
I don't think I can wear it out in public anywhere.
He's like, the only people who know about that guy are you.
And I'm like, I feel like there's more than you realize but he is, even within QWorld, something of a deep cut because they have to pretend he doesn't exist.
So...
I don't know.
My brother thinks it's perfectly safe to wear it, but I'm very worried, because as El has said- But again, we discussed it, yeah.
The juice is definitely not worth the squeeze.
You have to encounter somebody who knew who that person was and got enough of the right vibe off of you to get that you were wearing it ironically, and then that would elicit Oh, it's the worst bat signal in the world.
If it gets any attention at all, it's not going to be from someone who thinks I'm wearing it, ironically.
Like, that crowd I'm talking to, like, right now.
This is a shirt that only exists for your secret pleasure.
Yes!
I think the most aggressively-pilled thing I've ever seen, besides the occasional idiot that wears an InfoWars shirt that I've run into...
I was driving one day and on the road in front of me, it wasn't even like a bumper sticker, it was like a square.
It was like a tiny square sticker on the back of someone's car.
And it said, Allen West President 2016.
And I was like, wow, that is... I mean, if you're into that guy that aggressively, Then, hoo boy, like, that's a conversation that would be terrifying to have.
Got news for you.
Wasn't he one of the flashes in, like, an alternate dimension?
This Alan West, and he ran for president in 2016.
I'd be much happier if that was where the conversation went.
Oh my god, because that would be harmless.
I feel like we all would be, because I'm not ashamed to admit, I don't know who that guy is.
Allen West?
Who's that?
Allen West is a one-term congressman who is an absolute nut that got dishonorably discharged from the military for, while interrogating a prisoner of war, he fired a gun beside the guy's head to try to scare him.
He then got elected in a tea party wave, was considered a little too crazy for the party.
Wait a minute, is being cool, like, illegal in the military?
Yes.
If we were watching a movie, everyone would be like, yeah!
Oh, that'd be, yeah, that'd be- Rock on!
Oh, yeah!
Do it, RoboCop!
So good!
Do it, RoboCop!
How's that for some merch?
The quote for the podcast.
Do it, RoboCop!
Yeah!
Oh man, the Deceased Assist letter we would get would be the greatest.
It would be awesome.
We would sell like 30 shirts before we got smashed by whoever owns the intellectual property of RoboCop.
We'll just add a T to it.
Get him, RoboCop!
Yeah!
We did it!
We've done it.
We win.
Half robot, half cop, all cop.
All racist.
It's funny to try to think of poorly translated stuff.
Anyway, okay, moving on.
We have some juicy, literal, actual video highlights from the January 6th goings-on.
So Mike, let's talk about our juiciest boos-boosh headline ever, maybe.
Our January 6th highlight reel.
Which one do you want to start with?
They're both so good.
I think we need to give Sarge's beloved senator the razzle-dazzle here.
Hey!
Mike!
Josh, Mike was a previous one.
I was looking at your name.
I thought you were like appealing to Mr. Reigns.
I thought you were like...
Yeah, I thought you were like...
I was like, I was so confused.
I was like, I thought we had established that you live in Missouri for a while and like that minimal level of doxxing was acceptable.
But when you were like, Mike, I was like, did I just, did I just step too far?
I thought you already discovered that Josh Hawley was Sarge's senator.
No, just me goofing up.
Yeah.
So our boy Josh Hawley, Hawley, Howley, whatever, I guess his name, he does not deserve to have his name said correctly.
The man who gave the solidarity fist to the soon-to-be attackers of the Capitol before the attack happened.
Much more brutal than Ron's, by the way.
Ron's big fist.
No match for the powerful Howley fist.
Yeah, we got this.
He's been on a real tear lately, but this footage made the rounds.
The Kansas City Star, our local paper, was dunking on him.
What little power they have.
The Missouri Democrats started a Twitter campaign and have organized... Footage of what?
What's the footage?
Our senator, Josh, just running... He gives a powerful, mighty fist to the rioters.
He's like, Rock on!
You guys totally rule!
I'm outta here!
And then smash cut to this footage of him being cool, I'm sure.
Running through the halls in... I'm gonna give him a little credit and say he had smooth bottom business shoes, but he was running in a very lame way.
It was extra lame, and he was running from the people he gave the fist of solidarity to earlier.
The Missouri Democrats have organized the Holland Holly 5K, so keep participating in that.
For those of you who have not seen the footage, I would describe his running style as fleeing.
Yes.
Right after giving all of his rowdy fans, he's just like, you guys totally rock!
And then as soon as like, it's like a rock concert.
Chicago!
And then like, you know, the roadies and stuff like help get him off the stage.
And then they just like tear ass down the hallway and just fucking run out the back because they're terrified a riot's about to start.
They just run into the tour bus and hide under their bed and tell the driver to book it as soon as they possibly can.
Get out of here!
She's it!
I like this incredibly lame rock band.
Our incredibly lame rock band whose first smash hit single was Do It, Robot Cop.
Yeah.
Do it, Robot Cop, parentheses, yeah.
Robo-T-Cop-ington.
So we just give him a middle name like Chuck E. Cheese.
How dare you besmirch the government name of Charles Entertainment Cheese.
Yeah.
How dare you.
Yeah, well also sometimes he drank Robot Cop to the mud.
You can buy it.
Your move.
Various people on the internet.
The other thing that the one six committee did was they they played
Holly running and then they played it back in slow motion.
Yeah.
To really sink the ninth in.
And that slow-mo run has been, uh, used as background material for all sorts of music over the internet.
Do you guys remember Forrest Gump?
The film Forrest Gump?
A lot of Forrest Gump recently.
Yeah, oh yeah.
Howly's face getting photoshopped on the Forrest Gump has been not an uncommon sight on the internet.
Any time for the rest of pretty much human existence, pretty much any time anybody runs quickly.
We're gonna be bringing Forrest Gump back up.
Yeah.
I mean, he spends a lot of that movie just running around.
They make it very clear that he's supernaturally fast and stuff.
So it's just like, ooh, yeah!
Supernaturally fast.
He is, at the very beginning.
Well, not at the very beginning, but when he grows into teenage Forrest, who is just a full-grown 40-year-old Tom Hanks or whatever, and then he runs away from those boys in the pickup truck, he is clearly supernaturally fast.
Yeah, he does move with blazing speed.
He's like a reverse Jason.
If the camera is not on him, when the camera gets back to him, he is as far away as he needs to be.
Reverse Jason.
Yeah, it's the classic move, the reverse Jason.
I'm sure that's what Bob Zemeckis was doing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I got it.
Yeah, and this day we're going to set up the crane for the nice reverse Jason.
I was like, got it!
That's what it's all about.
It's, yeah, like, someone running equals Forrest Gump is the way every scandal in the history of the world now equals gait.
So that's just the... Gump is to running what corruption is to gaiting.
So what happens when there's a big scandal in the competitive running world?
Oh my god.
Forrest Gait.
Exactly, we would have Gump Gait.
We would have Gump Gait.
Our boy Howley was shambling about the halls of power.
Yeah, just running like a fool out the back door.
Right, trying to avoid his beloved constituents, to whom he was literally telling them, I'm subservient to you!
I'm gonna do this dumb theater stunt for you in a few minutes!
Did it for you, Damien!
Still somehow not the funniest behind-the-scenes footage to come out of the J2A6.
You're not wrong.
Because as an even juicier follow-up to the Howley Run Forrest Gump stuff, we got behind-the-scenes outtakes of Donald Trump, the orange Yahweh himself speaking.
I haven't watched these, but the descriptions of them are basically him throwing a temper tantrum, just refusing to admit he's lost.
Yeah, basically it's a statement that he is being told to make.
It's on January 7th now.
The attack happened the previous day.
Oh, so they're trying to do damage control.
They're trying to do damage control.
They're trying to spin this shit.
The outtakes of this thing are pretty much Trump just being super miserable the whole time, wanting to get through this speech as abruptly as possible with saying as little as possible.
At one point in the speech, the phrase, the election is over, isn't it?
He's like, I don't want to say that.
He pouts and states, I said the election was certified.
Like, he's like, I did it.
I said Biden won.
It's good enough.
I don't want to say the election's over.
Just give me that.
It's like, it's like, and at another point, um, what he was talking about, uh, like the writers, the attackers, he didn't
want to come down on them too hard.
He was just sort of like, well, right.
He's like, I said what they did was bad, but don't, don't let me hear.
I don't need to hammer him.
Come on.
Let him, let him up easy.
Let's do this.
And, um, the, the real, the real little, like just, uh, kind of jab at the fact
that the president, uh, man, woman, uh, person, camera, TV, uh, Mr.
Rock solid mental.
Mr. Rock solid mental faculties.
Yeah, was that He's going through the speech, and he's doing a take, basically.
And during one take, as he's going through the word, like, yesterday, talking about the attack, he just talks to the people off-camera who are working the teleprompter for him, and he just says, yesterday is a tough word for me.
Just trying to get those powerful three syllables of yesterday out of my orange mouth.
It just takes too much work.
Just cut yesterday from the speech, please.
Por favor.
And they're like, we can do that, Mr. President.
No problem at all.
So Donald Trump and polysyllabic words, like they had a tussle and the polysyllabic word prevailed and Trump had to yield to it.
You have to be like, nope, not doing yesterday.
That's too aggressive for me.
We're gonna, like, dial back down the words to where they're basically kind of like grunts.
Like, I could do that.
Yeah, he just puts himself up like a verbal gruel.
Essentially, like, the bare minimum.
And he's just like, no, I will not let you spice this up in any way.
This is just gonna be a bland paste.
A bland taste of I, me, my, mine.
I want just single syllable possessives about how great I am.
That's about it.
That's all I can do for you.
So certainly QAnon must think that he's a hero for these outtakes.
They're just like, oh my god, look at him fighting heroically for us behind the scenes.
What an absolute unit.
This stable genius who could go on the field.
Uh, for the Patriots at any moment.
Because his hands are just so big.
Yeah.
Try not catching a 99 yard touchdown pass from Tom Brady with those huge mitts.
Yes.
Um, I actually did see a QAnon promoter, uh, like post, he literally posted the clip.
He posted the outtake clip and he was like, and his, in the post was, Democrats think this makes him look bad.
This makes me love him even more.
And got like all kinds of people.
You'll love him for anything he does.
Yeah.
It's like all the idiots on Twitter right now who, uh, like, When Elon Musk tweeted that he can't get laid, and all these bros are like, I'll suck your dick, Elon.
Like, I'll suck it so hard right now.
He can do anything.
Yeah, poor Elon, who just literally can't stop claiming more children are his, and those children are incredibly young, and Elon's like, you know what?
I'm just not getting laid anymore.
Yeah, Elon.
I actually don't think that's a problem for the world's richest man.
I really don't think if you were...
Looking for sex, you'd have a tough time finding it.
Yeah, in some places, sex work is legal.
At the very least, you could leverage your infinite wealth to go get laid legally as a transaction.
And not that I'm thinking it's going to come to that for world's richest man, because that's not typically how society works.
But even if it did come to that, that is an option.
Or he could just build himself a robot to fuck him.
I mean, what's the county in, is it Las Vegas County?
Oh no, it's the county next to Vegas.
Yeah, the bunny ranch and all that stuff.
You could just go buy that county.
You could just buy the whole county.
The problem is, his mutilated penis is in love with an opera singer.
If you were to put it in, as we know, if you were to put it into a penis lineup, it would be easily identifiable.
Oh, oh god, like... I'm just imagining that, like, photo lineup and, like, the person, like, glances at it and then just, like, screams, number three!
And then turns their head away and starts crying.
Is this week three or four of us?
I can't stop thinking about how Stan Lee said that you're supposed to write every comic book like it's somebody's first comic book.
We do not record our podcasts like that.
If this was your first podcast, this whole bit would be really weird.
This would have come out of left field.
Is this week three or four of us talking about Elon Musk's penis in a row?
I don't know.
However many weeks it's going to take for me to get one million United States dollars.
Yeah, come on Elon.
We'll stop the bit and stop confusing new listeners the moment you cut the check to L for a million dollars.
Yeah.
This is pay-to-play.
Yes. No looky-loos.
Yeah.
Oh my God.
Do we want to seamlessly transition like a bunch of professionals into our headline news segment?
Yeah.
That sounds like an excellent plan.
From the digital headlines to the digital front lines, it's Q's in the News.
Smooth.
We did it.
Smooth like sandpaper, the hell world way.
Seamless.
We just have to remember to edit this part out when we start talking about the actual news, because otherwise it'd be real embarrassing.
So we're going to be talking about a lot of criminal behavior, or alleged criminal behavior, people getting convicted of criminal behavior, accused of criminal behavior, and we're going to start With the king of the castle, Mr. Trump himself.
Once again, he was the king of the highlight reel and now he's the king of maybe being a criminal.
Mike, is Donald Trump a criminal?
Mike Rades, would you like to go on record?
Is Donald Trump a criminal?
Yes, Donald Trump is a criminal.
You guys still like me, right?
Yeah.
In one of the most obvious headlines that ever has been written in the history of the universe, it has been stated that the DOJ is looking into Trump.
Their investigation into Trump's activities on 1-6 is a criminal probe, and they are directly looking at Trump himself for the crimes.
The crimes.
And this article also states that this investigation began in April, which predates the 1-6 committee's public hearings and all that fun stuff.
So it does appear that we have like two parallel investigations into Trump and what he's been doing between the 1-6 committee doing their thing and DOJ doing their thing.
So, again, the official Hellworld stance on all of this is quote-unquote, we'll believe it when we see it.
But the one thing I will say is that this has gotten QAnon all kinds of riled up because this is a red line for them.
This has been something that I've always thought is a potential flashpoint for QAnon believers to commit domestic terrorism should Trump ever actually get indicted because they're going to see this as the deep state coming for their boy.
And one of the awesome things about QAnon is that you just, you retcon everything, everything Q ever said, you just turn it around, spin it, create a new narrative around it.
And One of the big moments in QAnon has always been what they've talked about being, quote-unquote, the first arrest.
Because basically, some massive person is going to go down, and when that person gets cuffed and stuffed, everyone's going to lose their minds.
Q, being incredibly good at their job, posted this same Q drop twice.
Literally, it was back-to-back Q drops.
Well, to be fair, maybe Q just read it back because the first time they wrote it, it's like perfect Q fiction.
Because it's sort of like a prophecy, and it's really vague, so anyone who's really into the fiction can just interpret it however they want to.
Sort of in perpetuity forever.
So I wouldn't be surprised if at some point Q was just like, Man, remember back when I was good at this?
Or my pentecostal was good at this?
I'll go ahead and start reposting some of the classics.
Actually, Q did do that at one point.
Q literally reposted like 10 or so drops that were previous drops from before.
This time, Q just literally hit send twice, because it's the same Q drop, literally on the same timestamp, just double-posted.
It's just the dumbest screw-up.
Wow, I just can't stop being wrong about Q shit today.
The cue drop reads first indictment brackets bold unseal will trigger mass pop awakening first arrest will verify action and confirm future direction.
They will fight but you are ready.
Marker bold brackets the number nine end bracket cue.
What the fuck marker nine means it's never been determined and it's just something.
But, like, so the whole thing about that was that people were like, oh, who's it going to be?
Is it going to be Hillary?
Is it going to be Obama?
Is it going to be Comey?
Like, who's this first arrest going to be that's going to be the big one that's going to trigger the mass population awakening?
Who's going to, like, make America and the world freak out?
So now they've done a complete 180 and they're like, guys, guys, what if Trump is the first arrest?
What if when Trump gets arrested everyone sees the corruption in the deep state going after our boy and then they see it's like a total political hatchet job because they know he's totes gonna crush in 2024 and they're trying to stop him and like this is what wakes America up to the Democratic Party's corruption.
This is it.
So now they're totally, they're like, do it.
Do it, you cowards.
Indict Trump.
Trigger the Great Awakening.
It's literally the ultimate trap card in the history of QAnon's relentless array of trap cards.
And it's finally going to happen this time.
These goalposts can't stop moving.
You know what?
This time, this time they're right.
Go ahead, government.
We dare you.
Yes!
Put Donald Trump behind fucking bars!
We fucking dare you!
You won't do it!
You cowards!
We're all just waiting to be activated.
We could be pilled at any moment.
The second he's behind bars, we'll all just snap pilled.
But there's only one way to find out.
But it'll happen.
It'll totally happen.
But you have to do it to find out if we'll see it happen.
Totally this time for real.
We promise.
For real this time, for sure.
It's one of my favorite things.
I see so many QAnon promoters that are just trying to deal with the reality that we're living in.
And they're just sort of like, yeah, Biden winning is just killing so many people.
It's so good for us.
And I'm like, well, then you should probably campaign for him to get reelected.
Just four more years of Biden's going to totally kill the world.
And then after Biden's out, Let's have President AOC and have a Democrat Socialist in office, because that'll super pill everyone, right?
Oh, then we'll see how bad socialism is!
So, yeah, just keep losing, assholes.
Just keep losing, because that's how you pill people, is by being defeated over and over and over again.
Let's go that route.
Let's do that.
Yes, spill enough of your precious blood on the pavement so that we might slip and fall in it.
Yes, exactly!
You don't get it, so one of these days, ooh, it's gonna happen.
One of these days, Charlie Brown, oh man, you know it'd be ri- Really bad for the Democrats as if they got a super majority.
If they just held the House and Senate and they got two more Senators to abolish the filibuster for everything we care about and just did shit.
That would pill so many people.
I think QAnon should absolutely vote Democrat straight and take it the whole way.
Just pull the shit out of America by letting those evil Democrats expose themselves.
Especially in red states.
The funny thing is that, man, the truth is that Democrats are historically really cowardly, so having them be your timeless, immortal enemy is really kind of a bummer.
I've brought this up before on my Twitter feed, but you can just tell that QAnon is so mad that their boy lost to Joe fucking Biden.
That it wasn't like Michelle Obama or Hillary Clinton or any of like their actual enemies.
It was just the boring old white guy got the W over their boy.
And they just can't accept it.
It's like so enraging to them.
I said it.
It's like Clayface being the one that kills Batman.
I mean, it's just like some B or C tier villain is the one that... We can go deeper than that.
It'd be like...
Fucking killer moth or something I think Mike is closer to being right because I think the the crappier the villain there's like a There's like a curve to it where at some point it gets more exciting the crappier the villain is where you're just like Like if I would have to you know, it's just like hey, did you know they killed Batman in the comics recently?
It was kite man kite man.
There we go.
I was like Clayface has a bunch of really cool stories.
We we need to go lamer and I feel like Clayface is pretty close to the middle, right?
He's cool-ish, he's no The Joker or Red Hood or Ra's al Ghul, but nor is he a Kite Man or a Killer Moth.
Right.
Or whatever that lady's name whose gimmick was Rocket Motorcycle.
Roxy Rocket.
I had to think about that.
Yeah, but I mean, like, the thing is, is what Elle was saying, is that, like, if someone told you, like, Kite Man killed Batman, you'd be like, what the fuck?
And you might actually buy the comic to try to see how they justified it.
But if someone told you Clayface killed Batman, you'd be like, meh, odd choice, but whatever.
It wouldn't move the needle for you.
It really wouldn't have that much impact.
Yeah, he just, like, finds out his secret identity and then he just, like, you know, Batman's out on the town and Clayface just, like, brings him to the mansion and smothers Alfred, then turns himself into Alfred.
Batman gets home and he's just like, ah, just time to get into the tub, Master Wayne, and then he just drowns him.
It's like in that one comic where they have Mysterio kill all the, uh, Old Man Logan and Mysterio is the one who kills all the X-Men.
All of them.
And it's just like, okay, didn't see that one coming.
Yeah, dude.
Mysterio rules.
Apparently.
This is our Mysterio fan cast.
It's called MysterioFace.
Because we feel that badgerly about it.
Yes.
That's what it's all about.
Very little in the way of headline news after that movie, though.
For a while, it was really popping off, but now...
It's been some dry times.
Yes.
One day our ship will come back in.
One day Mysterio will be back.
Yeah, one of these days we'll get a new Mysterio.
Maybe it'll be Bruce Campbell the way they've been talking about for 20 years.
Because it's not like he's an old fucking man now or anything.
Okay, so it turns out that old Donald Trump's not the only criminal on the block.
Because Steve Bannon actually is a criminal.
We have a criminal confirmed.
Like, once again, double criminal.
Yep, Steve Bannon has once again gone to trial and once again he's been convicted of his crimes.
Um, when last we left the podcast last week, the prosecution was called all of their two witnesses to the stand.
Yeah, when we last left the story, it was a dunker, and it turns out in the thrilling conclusion, dunker confirmed.
Yes, when last we left, Kobe Bryant had thrown the ball into the air to a jumping Shaquille O'Neal, and you could see how it was lining up, and now we return with Shaq throwing the ball through the hoop for two points.
So, yeah, the prosecution called their mighty two witnesses, the first of whom was like, this is what Congress does, this is their power under the Constitution, this is how the committee was formed.
And then the second person was like, this is the shit we gave Bannon.
This is Bannon telling us to fuck off.
This is us telling Bannon that's fucking illegal.
This is Bannon telling us not to give a shit.
And then after those two witnesses left, the prosecution was like, we're done here.
And then the judge turned to the defense and was like, so what are you guys going to do?
And the defense was like, we're good.
What are you guys doing today?
Where do you want to go to lunch?
Yeah, I hear the 99ers got an app sale today.
They're just like walking around shaking each other's hands like they've already won.
They're not even at that part yet, much less did they win.
Yes!
I mean, so they're running into a kind of that problem in the Alex Jones damages trial because they have to keep telling the jury, again, Mr. Jones has already lost.
Uh, and all of this is fact for you.
Like, there's so many things that we have to go through that are just already decided fact.
And they're kind of having trouble, like... The jury needs to know all these things, but they don't want to re-litigate the case because Alex is already lost.
He's already lost.
I was also already lost because we quickly went from talking about Steve Bannon to talking about Alex Jones there.
Yeah, I was like, what are we doing here, Sarge?
When did we go to Alex Jones?
That was a little headline stream crossing, so we'll consider that a scintillating trailer for a discussion to come while we get back to talking about Steve Bannon.
Yeah, I don't think he's getting the pardon this time.
Not this time, Stevie.
Probably not.
I mean, it would be really cool if Joe Biden stepped up for the good of the country to heal the nation and showed some bipartisanship and also granted Bannon a pardon.
But yeah, so Bannon presented no case after talking for forever about how he was going to drag this trial through the mud.
This was going to be the misdemeanor from hell.
Literally, his defense was an opening statement and a closing argument and then getting convicted almost immediately, which was hilarious.
It's really funny how all these court cases QAnon is like super invested in.
The jury's looking for like five minutes.
Like when Michael Sussman, when the jury went out to see what Durham gave them and if they should convict Sussman or not, it took them about four hours to find Sussman not guilty.
And it took this jury about four hours to find Bannon guilty.
And as a lot of people have explained, like, four hours might seem like a period of time, but it's really not.
Because, like, the first thing that happens is you get in the room, and then you've got to vote on who the foreman's gonna be.
Who's gonna read the letter saying guilty or not guilty.
So you have to haggle about that shit for a half hour or an hour.
And then after you've gotten to that, then you have to painfully go through like what the charge is and what it actually what the grounds for conviction are.
And that takes shit.
So it's basically like two hours to determine the form and actually read the charges.
And then you probably spend like maybe a couple hours determining guilt or innocence at that point.
So it's like, after you go through the procedural bullshit, it took them like almost no time at all for all 12 people to be like, yeah, we're good with that.
It's cool.
So Mike, what are the odds that this was the first trial?
I'd already forgotten about that stupid shit.
Oh!
Sadly for QAnon, well, not sadly for QAnon, sadly for Bannon, QAnon does not think that Steve Bannon moves the needle.
They're like, Steve Bannon is like, arrest point two five, leading up to the first arrest.
They're just like, eh, whatever, Bannon, you're a guy, go fuck yourself, buddy.
So are they not even trying to weave his slam dunk conviction into their narrative?
They're just like, man, whatever.
Oh, they're pissin' and moaning about it, like the fucking two-tiered justice system that America- So, does he get a red eyes activate, like, Photoshop?
Has he been activated?
Oh, no, he had that before the trial.
And like before the trial, they deactivated.
Yeah.
You got it.
Yeah.
And it's so great.
I think my favorite thing was this one guy who, uh, back in the day was actually
drawing a paycheck from the epic times.
Uh, the Falun Gong, uh, run newspaper that loved Trump because he hated China.
And then they supported QAnon until QAnon became pro-China.
And they were like, oh no, the monster we've created, what are the odds?
My favorite post in this whole thing was Brian Cates being like, Trump didn't, I mean, he's like, Bannon didn't even call a witness.
He didn't even present a defense because Steve Bannon's so fucking cool.
He does whatever the fuck he wants.
He doesn't need a defense.
He's Steve fucking Bannon, motherfucker!
And then he gets convicted in four hours.
So it's just like, man, how'd that work out for him, Brian?
How did this bold strategy of not even presenting a defense work?
So yeah, so that was great.
So I was a huge fan of that.
A little Casey at the bat action?
Yes!
Oh no!
I failed in the end.
Who could have seen it coming?
Yeah, so his sentencing is in October and we on the one side we have what's really funny is I've seen like a lot of like leftist Democrats people being like total doomers about this.
I saw one guy being like, he'll get probation.
And I corrected that person and told them that each charge carries a minimum of a month in jail.
So even if he got like concurrent sentences, he does at least a month.
And then somebody jumped in to tell me he'll do one day that get released due to COVID slash overcrowding.
And I was like, okay, just, hey, if you really want this guy to get away with no consequences, I mean, if that's what gets your rocks off, God bless you.
But like, I live in this doe-eyed land of optimism where like, let's see the sentence and then we can get disappointed.
How about doing that?
Why bake disappointment into your life?
Mike, he'll do like 20 hours of community service and then find a meteorite that gives him superpowers.
So don't worry about it.
Damn it.
Son of a bitch.
Yeah, exactly.
He's going to go to a club fed, and that's where the asteroid that gives people superpowers hits.
And it's like, yup, we played right in the bandit's trap.
He calculated where that asteroid was going to land.
I think I've read that novel.
He's going to be picking up roadside trash and get transported into the 16th century, where his bare minimum knowledge of modern life is going to make him a wizard.
You, sir, have been watching too many isekais like me.
I don't know what you're talking about.
And also, that doesn't happen at an isekai.
They never go back to real life 1500.
It's always some alternate world where there are no consequences and also magic, because it's much cooler than reality.
I'm an alt-right conservative in another world.
That would be great.
I'm Steve Bannon in another world.
In a magic world.
Yeah, our light novel series.
I'm Steve Bannon in a magical kingdom.
Oh god, we'd probably get on his show.
As long as we painted him in a flattering enough light, that'd be great.
I mean, before he goes to jail.
We're gonna dress him as a very pretty 12-year-old, like, Japanese-inspired, but also European main character lead boy.
Like, it's not supposed to be like, I'm Steve Bannon!
It's just like a splash page of him looking all pretty like a doll.
It'll be great.
Steve Bannon looking pretty like a doll.
Sentences I never thought I'd hear in my life.
Yeah, it's much better than the reality.
I don't know if you saw the pictures from that whole trial, but our band is looking rough.
Yeah, Stevie Forscher, it's really funny that even in the quote-unquote flattering pictures QAnon tries to make of the guy, he always looks like shit.
I mean, he is just a guy that... I mean, I know that being close to 70 you're probably going to look kind of rough, but Steve looks really, really rough.
I don't want to punch at the guy about his appearance too much, but he has a Shatner sort of vibe.
I mean, yeah, he's a sack of crap, but he just sort of looks like Donald Trump.
You know how everybody gives William Shatner crap for looking a little bloated and a little shiny?
You look at Steve Banner and you're just like, ugh!
A little Shatner-esque in the Bloat and Sheen department.
A little Seussal of the Shat.
Okay, enough talking about our bloated but adorable, pretty, little princely Steve Bannon boy.
Speaking of guys who look rough at their trial, now we can talk about Alex Jones.
Yeah, I mean Sarge really jumped the gun on it.
I'm glad he didn't, because that got us to our Steve Bannon isekai.
Mike, you and I were right to bully him off of that transition.
He was going to Alex Jones like a mad dog.
We had to get all four hands on the leash.
But anyway, Sarge, kill him!
So, Alex Jones has proceeded into the finding out phase of fucking around.
He's on his 12th lawyer.
I don't know if that number is accurate.
I think it might literally be 8.
He is in his first damages trial and they are having an awkward time because, as I was saying before, he's already lost.
They have to keep telling the jury, Mr. Jones has lost.
It is over.
Good day, sir.
We're deciding how much he's lost at this point.
It's become kind of awkward because this is so rare.
Neither the defense nor the prosecution really know how to introduce evidence to the jury and be like, no, he's already lost.
This is established fact.
They just have to be like, this is established fact.
And it's weird.
Yeah, this is not a trial that's like a standard trial where you are trying to determine if there's a penalty.
There will be a penalty.
The opening statement for the prosecution, I believe, asked for a judgment in the ballpark of $100 million to $150 million in damages.
$150 million in damages and the defense argument was for $1 in damages.
So.
Oh shit.
Fuck it.
Wheel of fortune rules.
Or Price is Right rules.
There we go.
So this is where we are at in this case.
And what has happened here is the prosecution is basically presenting what a shitty monster Alex Jones has been to these families that had their loved ones murdered at Sandy Hook.
In an effort to explain why Jones needs to pay all this money.
And the two things that are happening here that are interesting is one, just the damage to their character, defamation, basically besmirching these parents, claiming they were lying, claiming that they were saying things that were not true, that the parents were part of this hoax and this bullshit.
That is part of what The punishment is supposed to, the financial punishment is supposed to inflict on Alex Jones.
But the other part of the payout is punitive damages.
And that is the shit Alex put these people through was like so vile and so aggressive and so mean-spirited that you have to punish him for that shit at a certain like dollar sign amount.
I don't know if the jury's gonna just literally when they come back with their Which is their verdict is going to be a number.
It's not going to be guilty or not guilty.
It's just going to be, Alex Jones must pay these families X. I don't know if the families are going to say X in defamination and Y in punitive, or they're just going to say, here's one giant pile of money that Alex has got to give these people, and you guys figure out what was what.
But at the end of the day, that's what the jury's got to come up with.
They got to come up with a number.
The jury has to understand that jury trials are a very kind of odd thing in America.
Because the last time I had jury duty, there was like a list of rules you had to abide by.
Yeah.
And one of the rules is that What's in the courtroom is the only things you're allowed to know about the trial.
You're not allowed to be like, hey, I was involved in a trial today.
Bob Smith committed a hit and run.
Let me check the police report online.
Let me Google that.
You're not allowed to dig up your own evidence.
You go home about the trial that you're a juror on like your only knowledge of the trial is supposed to be in that courtroom like period.
So I so that I think that the jury is like kind of like having their minds blown by the fact that like they're like they're being told like what we are telling you are all the facts you get for this case and the prosecution You must accept everything the prosecution says as fact.
Because Alex Jones has, like, fucked this thing so many which ways that the rulings the court has made is that the prosecution gets to tell the story and Alex's lawyers get to poke very minimal holes in it.
Like, aggressively minimal holes.
And that's just the way it is.
And I can see if I was like Joe Schmoe, the juror, that I'd be like, that doesn't sound so fair.
Whatever happened to our legal system and being able to like confront your accusers?
And it's like, yeah.
You had four years to do that.
We gave Alex every chance in the world to be able to do that and he fucked it up.
He like, he pissed away all of that.
So as unfair as you, the juror, might think this is, it's not because we tried.
We tried desperately to let Alex have a normal day in court.
But he's such a fucking clown, he refused.
He was like, no, I will not have a regular day in court.
I will do this instead.
And so... So now, you, the jury, should financially flog him.
You should beat him mercilessly in the realm of his finances by having dollar sign all of it.
Come back with dollar sign all of it.
All the money he makes is perceived to make and could ever make.
Yeah.
Here's the hoping.
I don't know if that was brought up because I have not been following.
This is a live stream trial.
You can go on YouTube and you can find it.
It's like the 459th or something district court in Texas.
You can pull it up and watch it if you want.
And I'm So is Alex Jones actually there?
Is he being totally normal sauce?
Well he was there for the first half of yesterday and then he left to go do his show and to which the judge wasn't the most happy but again he's already lost so unless he's like there to testify he doesn't necessarily need to be there.
He has been attending.
This is the first of three.
This is the first in Texas.
He has one more in Texas after this, and then another in Connecticut, all of which he defaulted on because he would not comply with discovery, essentially.
Yep, that's exactly right.
Yeah, he would not give over paperwork.
If people have been following the Knowledge Fight podcast, he's had three different quote unquote corporate representatives come to testify about InfoWars or free speech systems or what basically whatever shell corporation he was using.
And after the first two corporate representatives came in, the judge was like, your next corporate representative has to not fuck this shit up.
They have to have answers for these very specific questions that will be asked to them.
And then when that happened, that corporate representative still couldn't do it.
So that's when the judge was like, okay, so when we go to the penalty phase of this trial, which is where we're at, Like literally like everything the prosecution states as fact is considered fact to the jury and they just have to accept it and the defense is not allowed to fucking question it because you've treated this whole procedure like a farce so fuck you now we're now you're gonna get screwed now we're gonna squash you like a bug.
So, Alex... Yeah, Alex get farced, idiot.
You thought it was a farce.
We can make it a farce.
Oh, we'll railroad the shit out of you.
You haven't even seen the kangaroo court.
Yeah, he has called it a kangaroo court.
Fucking crikey, here it comes.
Oh, we're gonna put some Jones on the barbie, mate.
How do you like them apples?
Yeah, what was funny was Alex actually went on Steve Bannon's show and they had a mutual pout about their getting fucked by the system.
Team We Got Railroaded had a little group sulk about all of it and it's awesome because They fucking hate each other.
So the fact that they, like, literally... The fact that Alex and Steve had nothing better than to talk to each other about how much it sucks to suck was, like, truly awesome.
It's like, hey, losers.
The consequences of your own stupid actions have led to the point where the only shoulder to cry on is each other, which is just awesome.
I'm so grateful for it.
So yeah.
And again, like, the fact that The fact that both of them are doing this shit, the fact that Bannon went on Tucker's show, and he's doing his own podcast still, and Alex is still doing, the fact that they're showing no contrition, no remorse, they're still pissing and moaning.
It's like, you know, when October rolls around and the prosecution is just kind of like a bit in sentencing, and they're just like, I don't think they're going to be like, you know, I think Steve's learned his lesson.
Let's just give him one month concurrent and call it a day.
Sounds like a plan to me.
I'm thinking more along the lines of the prosecution's going to be like, this dude is a previously convicted felon who got a pardon from Trump.
He's totally disrespected the process.
Give him the full two years.
Fuck this guy, judge.
Crush him.
Do what you can.
And I mean, I'm personally setting the over under like 14 months for Bannon.
So we'll see.
But it's like, I just feel like whatever level of consequences are going to come.
I mean, Alex could get totally destroyed here, which is awesome.
They're asking for $150 million to start.
Right.
I didn't see it, but I heard someone was saying in the live stream at some point, Jones was looking at his lawyers and he repeatedly said, this is not good.
Like, four or five times in a row, he was like, this is not good, this is not good.
Yeah, because they keep playing the clips of him, like, saying these children are fake, and that they're crisis actors, and that they were in the Batman movie.
Like, in court, on the record, they have Alex Jones being like, look, that's them, that's the kids that died at Sandy Hook, they're in Batman.
It's a satanic message in Batman.
And the kids were in the choir at the Super Bowl halftime show.
I mean, all the weird, sick shit that he's been throwing at the wall for all these years.
And the fact that some of these parents had to move 12 different times because they kept getting death threats from Alex Jones fans who were like, stop persecuting Alex.
He's only telling the truth.
Your kids didn't really die.
And it's just, I mean, And we have the Alex Jones fan club on Twitter.
I mean, if you go through the Alex Jones trending stream, oh god, you will find a lot of accounts made very recently with low follower counts that are like, hashtag Alex Jones did nothing wrong.
And it's just, it's really amazing that like, you can be just that divorced from reality.
We're like, you know what, Alex Jones, gonna hitch my wagon to him.
That guy's alright.
He's got some good thoughts in his head.
Oh man.
Yeah, but you know who's doing great?
Our president.
No, he got sick, but I have to assume he was vaccinated as soon as possible.
Oh, yeah.
Biden got the quad already.
He already had four shots and he got the Paxilid.
I have no idea how to say the... Much like Trump and the word yesterday, the prescription drug you take when you get COVID now.
Take it out of the teleprompter.
The crew here at Hellworld, take that word out of the teleprompter.
I will just say the drug Biden took.
Thank you.
Yeah, Biden got COVID and QAnon immediately was like, oh, this is it.
The deep state's going to get rid of him.
They want to get the whore of Babylon into the White House to fulfill the prophecy.
And it's like, if that was the way it was going to work, wouldn't they have just had Harris win the election?
Because you think these people rig everything?
And that we, the sheep, have no say in anything.
We're all just lemmings who follow along with whatever our government overlords tell us to do.
That's a really good point.
If we wanted Harris in the White House, us evil overlords, why wouldn't we just do that in the first place?
Yeah, she just wouldn't beat Trump in the rigged election.
The mules could have trafficked the Harris-slash-Harris's-vice-president-here ballots in, and she would have won, because we just would have cheated for her.
It's weird how, for some reason, we have primaries where we pick a candidate that maybe the Democrat leadership doesn't want.
The one question I would want to strap a QAnon promoter down, clockwork orange child, to a chair.
And make them answer is, why did Obama beat Hillary in 08?
Like why did that happen?
Like Hillary is literally the satanic dark queen of this movement.
She's literally like the ultimate deep state minion.
She controlled the bill for eight years in the White House.
And then it was finally going to be her time to win.
And then George Soros and Bill Gates and all the other bad guys are at the table.
We're like, no, we're going to go with this young black guy that nobody ever heard of until four years ago.
Yep.
He's our play.
And Hillary just eats shit and just accepts it.
Like she doesn't expose that he's from Kenya and can't legally run for president or anything.
Old Hillary Clinton who kills anyone who like, like, Cuts her off in traffic.
She just plays nicey-nice with Obama after the Deep State, like, picks him over her.
I've just always loved that show.
Well, she knows that the adrenochrome is gonna make her live forever, so she'll have her bite at the apple.
I'M GONNA LIVE FOREVER!
She's got all the time in the world, and so does Sleepy Joe.
I mean, it's got COVID, and they're just using it as a smoke screen so that they give him the gene therapy that turns him into, like, the Ubermensch.
They're gonna have like a revealing ceremony, like Steve Rogers coming out of the pod.
That'd be crazy.
Cue the his-eyes-activating meme right now.
Oh my god, oh god.
That would be great.
I mean, I would really respect the Democrats a lot more if they were just like, okay, we've done it.
We've turned Joe Biden into the perfect man.
Activate Biden.
Now he is activated.
He's coming for him.
They're just like, come on!
Our time for hiding is over!
We rise!
We reveal ourselves!
Dark Brandon, ascend!
And then Dark Brandon flies off like Homelander and just starts eye-lasering the shit out of good red-blooded Americans.
I can do anything!
The one other fun little thing that happened during Biden's COVID scare was he posted a photo of himself like on a laptop or whatever, like doing government work.
And next to him was one of his dogs.
And the caption was doing work with the best coworker I could have.
And because quote, unquote, dog comms are a thing in the QAnon world where they think if you put They think if you post a photo with a dog, that means someone's going to get killed.
They were just sort of like, is Biden telling us he's going to get whacked?
Is Biden, like, outing the fact that he's about to go away?
Dogcoms.
Dogcoms.
Oh God.
Have we not talked about dogcoms?
I feel like I would remember dogcoms.
Yeah.
So, so here's, here's your horrifying dogcoms sampler.
I'll do this very quickly so we can get to the mailbag.
But basically, um, Q posted something about the effect of the John McCain would be in the news soon.
And then quote, unquote, every dog will have its day.
And then McCain died a day before or after International Dog Day.
So that was proof that This is like a conversation piece about... Yeah, yeah, I get it.
Dog-eagle death.
Yeah.
Yeah, dog-eagle death.
They're like, Jesus, I can't make any mistakes with this kid.
It's all literal.
Yeah, and something also happened where, like, James Comey posted something about a dog dying.
And the dog, I think, had the same name as, like, George H.W.
Bush's codename in the Secret Service.
And then Bush died, like, a month later.
And they were like, Comey was admitting Bush was already dead!
He was telling us the truth!
The dog comms!
There's no margin of error with these people.
Dog comms.
Dog comms.
It's all about the dog comms.
Keith Olbermann will post all kinds of shit about dogs that are in kill kennels, or kill pounds, and they'll be like, this beautiful dog is a week away from being killed, please adopt.
And just because Keith Olbermann loves dogs and doesn't want them euthanized because they weren't adopted, Then the Q&A will be like, Olbermann's sending the dog goms.
Who's gonna get it now?
I cannot deal with these people.
Their world is so exciting and so bullshit.
It's like fucking magic.
It's so ridiculous.
Dark Brandon, we command you, eliminate the dog goms.
Yes.
All dogs must die, Dark Brandon.
Yes.
Before I went to Iraq, they had Operation... I think it was called like Operation Scooby-Doo.
They had to deal with all the feral dogs in Iraq, so soldiers were tasked to go around and shoot feral dogs.
It was apparently not fun to be on.
Yeah, neat.
What a fun real-life anecdote.
Yes!
There you go.
My Dark Brandon thing was completely made up.
He's like a Superman.
I just wanted you to have that story.
What a bummer, Festival.
Yeah, you're the best.
10 out of 10.
Mailbag time, I guess.
Right, let's go to the mailbag.
Do it, Dark Brandon!
Yeah!
Our listeners got questions, we got answers.
It's time for Q&A.
Our mailbag bolting more than a big ol' sack full of dead dogs.
Murdered by dark Brandon, yes.
No, these are the ones that are murdered by the United States government.
These are real dead dogs.
Market bid prices.
Slaps the top of a vehicle.
I can fit so many dead dogs in here.
So, ViscountShrekTheGreasedWarrior asks, I know it's off-topic, but what is your take on the recent attempt to whitewash Alex Jones' reputation by people like Gregg Greenwald, Tucker Carlson, and other right-wingers?
It's fucking horrifying.
What topic?
Yeah, and it's pretty on-topic for us right now.
Yeah, I mean, I don't really think it's... Do we have an on or off topic?
No, we don't.
I actually did mess... I actually did reply to this guy and tell him that mailbag questions Don't worry about that.
Is he asking why they're whitewashing Alex Jones?
Yeah, I mean, with Tucker, it's pretty easy.
He's just been involved with him so much that, yeah, he's going to try and rehabilitate Alex's reputation.
Because Alex Jones has literally worked for him, done research and stuff on some of his, quote, swish, swish, quotation marks, documentaries.
Have they stood in front of those weird red genital lights together?
Like at a urinal?
Like side by side?
And just having like awkward but polite conversation?
I mean, maybe.
Tucker Carlson has more- Alex Jones has more than once called Tucker Carlson the most important man in the world.
If Alex Jones is anything, he is a star fucker.
Oh god.
Yeah.
Yeah, I will say that it was pretty jarring when fucking Glenn Greenwald was willing to cash the check to, like, fucking kiss Alex Jones's ass.
That was particularly revealing.
I mean, it was like, holy shit, Glenn.
Like, you're not rich enough with all the fucking bullshit, all the money you got from The Intercept and all that crap.
Yeah, it's really easy for you to judge, Mike.
You telling me that there's no price where you would kiss Alex Jones's ring?
Uh, well, I'm I'm a broke schmuck.
I'm a broke schmuck.
I had a gate if I had a fucking gated estate in fucking Brazil, and 5 million dogs which are alive because that is Glenn's life.
If I had all of that and someone was like, Hey, Mike, Would you want to get off your ass for a quarter million dollars and try to tell people about the soulful Alex Jones, which is an actual quote from Glenn Greenwald in his ball-washing section of his conversation with Alex about his movie that's coming out.
Did you say a quarter of a million dollars?
What'd you say?
I don't know how much money Glenn got to fucking... Oh, I was like, man, that is such a little amount of money to say that Alex Jones is great.
I mean, I'm just, I'm hoping it was six figures is all I can say, because like, holy shit.
That is, like, basically this quote-unquote documentary coming out, it's called Alex's War, and it's about Alex fighting for the truth and all this stuff, and all the producers who made this thing are right-wing hacks.
They're all absolute shitbags.
This is something no one reputable should get within, like, fucking 30 miles of, and yet you've got Mr. Bold, adversarial independent journalism, Glenn Greenwald, like, Getting up on stage and being like, Alex, you're just such a sexy manly man that could have like sold out to the deep state.
Why didn't you do it?
Why do you stay true to yourself?
And it's like, Alex was looking for anything to fucking make money off of it.
If 9-11 didn't happen, he would have been a nobody.
He'd have been a fucking public access crack.
But he got to con people into thinking he hated Republicans as much as he hated Democrats when he blamed Bush for 9-11.
And that got dumb libertarians and people of all kinds of stripes to be like, hey, maybe this Alex guy is right about a thing or two because he really hates Bush.
And then smash cut to the Obama deception and him just basically being a generic right winger ever since Obama got in.
And that was it.
It's just like, yep, wait.
So yeah, fuck Alex Jones and fuck Glenn Greenwald.
Because Glenn did the same thing.
I mean, Glenn was this, like, he defended Nazis, pro bono.
To answer your question, he's tied to them.
Like, the line to them from him is not very long.
That's why.
I don't doubt it.
I don't doubt it.
Because Glenn did the same sucker shit to people.
If you didn't know who he was during the W years, you would have thought he was this hard left, civil liberties defender.
And I got suckered.
Doe-eyed poker going on the internet.
I was like, oh, there's Glenn Greenwald.
He's great.
He's sticking it in the bush.
He's awesome.
And then when Obama got in, he started shitting on Obama.
And I was just like, why is Glenn shitting on Obama?
What the fuck is going on here?
And then eventually, like, people were like, yo, moron.
This is who Glenn always was.
The Bush thing was literally an act to con morons like you, and you fell for it.
And I was like, fuck!
Smooth brains.
Yep, so that was me.
I was a smooth-brained moron that got hoodwinked by Glenn Greenwald.
So, yeah.
So, fuck that guy.
You fucked it, man.
I did.
I absolutely did.
All right, moving on.
Thank you for the question.
Cleodora Silvestri, Messing, your, CSV.
Have you noticed that so-called accounts of liberals, quote-unquote, converting, becoming Q-pilled sound exactly like religious movies where atheists never heard of Jesus and merely hearing his name converts them instantly?
Ah, yeah, I do hear some like kind of like Chick Trackian QAnon conversion stories that seem totally half-baked and bullshit.
This is a way to get attention in the QAnon community if you're like if you're an account that has like no followers and no one cares about you.
The best thing you could possibly do is like delete your account, create a new account, create a new avatar, and just be like, Hey, everybody, I totally love Biden and Obama and Hillary.
And then one day I got pilled because I found out about Q. And just QAnon loves a conversion story.
Nothing makes them happier than finding out they got another one.
Like getting a new recruit into the army is the happiest day in the world.
If you actually played the long con, and if you started talking to a major QAnon promoter as being someone who was questioning, and you let the people in the thread pill you, oh my god, you'll be their favorite person in the world.
And if you use the avatar of a hot woman, oh, you are going to be the queen of the castle.
You are going to be the most awesome superhero in the history of the world.
The newly-pilled hot chick could not be a more popular person in all of QAnon.
And honestly, if you're an attractive woman and you want to get into a grift right now, become newly-pilled.
Oh, you'll have a podcast.
You'll be co-hosted by fucking Prank Medic and Jordan Sather in no time.
Your OnlyFans will start popping off.
Oh, your OnlyFans is gonna make it rain!
Oh yeah, it's all gonna be great.
It's all gonna be great.
I mean, you are just gonna crush.
Like, that is such an easy bit to pull off.
Like, just the person who had the scales fall from their eyes and finally saw the truth.
And then also the scales fall from their boobies.
Yes!
Exactly.
Yeah, it's it's a racket.
It's an awesome racket.
And I I take none of these people seriously because I know that like it's happening in some ways but the forward momentum of QAnon is so much less than it was before because like 2020 was probably like the ultimate like Because in 2019, shit wasn't going on.
And then in 2020, you had COVID, which was disrupting the world.
You had the election.
You had all this stuff.
And it's like, Who's getting into QAnon in 2022?
Who's just finding out about it now and being like, you know what?
I like to call you guys as Jim.
I like what you're, I like what you're saying.
I'm thinking this is good because it's, it's like, there's, what are you going to do?
I mean, like you literally have to believe in like Trump being secret president.
He's going to reveal himself any minute now because the only payoff you're going to get Is maybe the Republicans winning in the midterms and that's like four months away.
And then after that happens, all that's going to happen is, oh, wow, the Republicans control Congress, gets to still the president, the evil adrenochrome drinking Joe Biden.
It's not like the wheels of government move quickly either.
Right.
So it's like, it's like, oh man, what are you going to get from that?
Like the only payoff you can possibly have in reality world, I mean, the QAnon promoters are going to run you up rabbit holes, they're going to fill your head with all this bullshit.
But the only really real win you're going to possibly have in the next forever is Trump winning the presidency in 2024.
And that is over two years away.
And it's also really unlikely to happen.
So put your eggs in that basket, man, you are you are you that is some long term planning for a payoff that like, QAnon doesn't have that they need constant stimulus response at all times.
They're a hamster that's just on the wheel and they need to be running or they're not happy.
That's just the way it works.
So yeah, I just yeah, I truly cannot imagine any honest quote unquote conversion story happening right now.
It's just bullshit.
All right.
What else?
We got another one?
Oh, yeah, we got a few.
So this one's real quick.
Expletive deleted.
How long is Poker's beard in meters?
I don't know.
Meters?
Don't know.
Don't you screen these ahead of time if you have measured it?
I could have but I didn't think I don't I don't have a meter measuring tape.
I mean, it's probably like, I don't know, like four or five inches down my chin, probably somewhere around there.
I can post a photo.
And then QAnon can stop using the photos of my masked face and they can just take my actual face and start sampling on the Jabba the Hutt and all the other fat people they put it on.
They'd be like, ooh, look at Poker, that fat guy!
Ooh, owned him!
And I'd be like, yep, you got me.
Boy, is my face red.
Crushed me.
What do you mean, fat?
Ah, you're fat.
Idiot.
Got him.
Yes.
Got him.
Yeah, so thank you for the question.
Confidently Befuddled says, the QAnon influencers are Pokemon and you are the trainers.
Who do you choose as your starter QAnon?
Um, I mean, are we the trainers or are we like the gym bosses?
Cause if we're the gym bosses, I definitely am like one of those idiots with like a military theme to what I'm doing.
So I'm like the Lieutenant Surge.
So probably, um, either praying medic or, um, who's the fake one?
Major Patriots.
Major Patriots.
There we go.
There's another guy that's called SSG Pain.
He's like Sergeant Pain or whatever.
You could have that guy.
You could have your clown military group.
There's another QAnon promoting account called Bards of War.
You could absolutely have the Bards of War.
Oh, so many people.
The problem is, if we're meant to be Pokémon trainers, then that means that in theory, our starters would be, like, sort of chumps with capacity for growth.
So we couldn't just, like, bomb, like, you know, you don't want the legendary, right?
You can't just be like, my starter's Rod Walkins!
That's cheating.
Your starter can't be like Garnocchino or whatever.
That's not how that works.
You can't have Mewtwo off the bat.
You have to work for Mewtwo.
So, um, I just don't know.
I don't know any of these low rung chumps enough to have like a good guess.
Like, is it a Tracy Beans?
She was a person, right?
Yes, she was a person, yeah.
You don't have a Tracy Beans Pokemon.
You know what?
No.
I've hacked my copy of the game.
He's like a game genie.
And my starter is Q. But which Q is it?
Is it Paul Ferber or is it Ron or Jim Watkins?
Which of the Qs is your starter?
I have the secret one you get from like surfing up and down the coast.
Seafoam Island or whatever until the game breaks and the real Q shows up, but there's a chance it corrupts your save file and it makes all of your Pokédex entries really weird.
How's that for a reference?
Yeah, that was a good one.
I like it!
That was powerful.
I much appreciate it.
So, Reverend Xenofact asks, last time we created the ultimate Q Serpentor composed of Trump Q and Sorbo.
Let's call him Sir Quentor.
I like it.
So once he arises, what is Sir Quentor's first grift?
Because you know he'll be a greedy son of a bitch with no impulse control and a legion of idiot followers.
He's gonna make the medbeds.
He's gonna make the trouble beds.
Not trouble bubbles, but medbeds.
Something like that.
They'll have big bubble tops and rocket jets and everything.
He's going to use his minions to create a giant super-powered drill so they can drill into the bay and start literally draining the swamp.
And he's going to cackle like a lunatic while he's doing it.
He's going to be like, ha ha ha ha, the swamp!
And then Darkbridge will arrive and they'll battle.
That's a good one, too.
What's funny is that when you said, while you were getting ready, when you were talking about the drill, I was literally thinking that he was going to finish the wall.
So we both were on that massive construction grift project.
So yeah.
Actually, I guess instead of a drill, if he's going to end up fighting Dark Brandon, then we could just go full Dragon Ball Z with it.
He's going to float to the capital, and he's going to hold up a single index finger, and there's going to be a little bead of energy on it, like Frieza, and then he's going to throw it down into the water, and it's going to create a giant explosive crater that turns into a whirlpool that starts draining the swamp.
And then he fights Dark Brandon.
Yeah, yeah.
And there's like lightning and stuff crashing all around and it takes like 400 episodes.
Yes.
And at the end of every episode, Washington, D.C.
will explode at any moment.
Next time on Dragon Ball D.C.
And it's just, oh God, this isn't even my final form.
Please, please.
Yeah, but the payoff at the end is so great when we get Super Saiyan Dark Pit.
Yes.
Yes.
What a bunch of dumb fucking nerds we are.
Truly, we are the worst.
Those clowns in Hellworld sure did it again.
What a bunch of clowns.
I'm glad he stuck with the Sorpintor thing because it's much dumber and nerdier.
Yes.
So Patrick- Yeah, I mean, if it was like, so the drill thing works with the G.I.
Joe motif, but then the climactic battle would then be like missing, they would shoot lasers at each other, missing the whole way, and then like at some point like a tree branch would fall on him and he'd be like, I'm defeated!
I mean, that's about the level they operate at.
Yes.
People's jets would be exploding and then you would see big obvious parachutes.
Yes!
And then give a thumbs up to the camera and go, I'm okay!
Don't worry about me, kids.
We're just fine.
Actually, parachuting is a lot of fun.
Yes, war is harmless.
Nobody ever dies.
It's great.
So Patrick asks, you and one Republican politician survived the apocalypse and you have to re-energize humanity.
Which one do you choose or are you going to end humanity?
And Patrick also says that they're going to choose Trump.
And let humanity die out.
And they would have fun listening to Trump tell us SERS stories.
And then they would fact check the SERS stories and make Trump sad.
Okay.
Yes.
So who or are you going to repopulate humanity is presented to the field.
Oh, I don't know.
This is all very weird.
I'm not sure.
Who is the Eve to your Adam, is the question here.
I don't like this question!
Let's say, hey, you have to be stuck at the end of the world with one Republican.
Who's it going to be?
And for me, obviously, it's Bogart.
And, you know, we'll see.
We'll see where the mood takes us.
But up front, we're just enjoying the apocalypse together.
Everyone else is dead.
We're just like, oh, that's a bummer.
Everyone else is dead.
It's just me and you.
And then, you know, a little box wine from a destroyed convenience store and like a little candles from a ruined, I don't know, church.
Right, right, right.
Good, good, good.
All makes sense.
I do like that the listener's answer was Trump just to torment him.
That's a little pettiness I can get behind.
Or just like Trump because there ain't no laws in the apocalypse.
If you catch my beating.
It's like drinking White Claw.
You can do whatever the fuck you want.
I am inevitable.
Oh, yeah.
It's like, hey, the White House physician said that you were in pretty good shape, huh?
So are we all doomsdarsh?
Yeah, no, we're just calling it a day.
You're calling it a day?
Okay.
I think my Republican would be Tulsi Gabbard because, mostly, I would just be like, so, when you ran as a Democrat and you were just, like, literally conning people with that D next to your name to get elected, what is it like being such an obvious scammer?
I would just want to talk to, like, her because, like, she is just such a ridiculous grifter.
That I would, I just want to know.
Cause like Boebert and MTG, those folks, like they're just true believers.
Like on some level they have to be billed.
Whereas like with Gabbard, I know she was just a Republican working in Engel, getting elected as a Democrat.
It's just like, like, I just want to know how you can be that cynical about shit where you're like, eh, fuck it.
Can't get elected with an R next to my name.
I'll just start talking about how I don't hate gay people and shit and see if that'll work.
Boom!
I'm in Congress!
Look at that!
Also, Bobert has a shitload of guns, so in the event that the apocalypse leads to mutants or something, like rampaging, and we need to be able to practice self-defense, that would be an appropriate time where you'd need an AR-15 for self-defense.
It's just like, hey, I'm self-defensing against rampaging super mutants.
They're replete with radioactive blood.
Like, what's a person supposed to do?
I need mini rounds.
Fair enough.
Yes.
I need one of those drum-fed auto-shotguns to protect myself.
That's a good one.
Regular society, you should be looking at those people being like, what?
But in apocalypse society, totally legit.
You're just like, oh, hell yeah.
Where can I get one of those?
Bats it over.
Quick booger in the auto-shotgun.
Okay, I think we have time for one more question.
I think we're out at this point, because the only other question we had was about Trump being potentially indicted.
And they were like, I'm sure you're going to cover this in the pod.
And you were right, R&R.
We did cover it in the pod.
Nailed it.
What a precognition that was.
Yes.
So I guess the question to Numerous is, what are you guys looking forward to?
Bro, I'm about to eat pizza.
What's not to love?
Nice.
What toppings?
Buffalo chicken, of course, as is the specialty of my region, Buffalo, New York.
Yes.
As you're known for.
You reminded me, there's the pizza joint near where I live.
I mean, there's a million mom and pop pizza joints around me.
One of them, they changed ownership and the new ownership like literally stuck a menu in my door like a couple of weeks ago.
Hell yeah, everybody pizza party all the time.
and it didn't work. So I might try that again now, now that you put the idea of pizza in my brain.
Yes.
So thank you for pizza poisoning, El.
Hell yeah, everybody pizza party all the time.
Yes.
I am going to go see my partner's favorite band, who I've come to love.
It's one of my favorite bands now.
Murder by Death this weekend down in Tennessee.
And this one's a fun trip and not a very sad trip like my last trip.
So I just, I really need this.
Sarge needs a W right now.
So I'm looking forward to that.
Just a road trip with my partner.
Cool.
I got grabbed by someone, one of my co-workers, who is a member of the crew of people I do escape rooms with.
And they were like, yo, you, us, Boston, Thursday, escape rooms.
And I was like, in.
I am in.
Because, like, post-COVID, I think I've done, like, one series of escape rooms.
Because when me and the crew do rooms, we don't just go do one.
We, like, try to, like, max out every room the building has.
Do a bunch of them.
We are doing three ex-escape rooms tomorrow night, and I'm very happy about that.
Three in a night?
One day we did seven.
And let me tell you, that last room, holy shit, they stole our money.
I mean, we were, like, incompetent.
We were making so many mistakes.
We were fucking up.
We were just bad at solving puzzles.
And if you don't know the basic escape room philosophy, it's like you've got an hour to get out of a room.
If you get out within an hour, you win.
If you don't, you lose.
That's life.
We were just terrible.
Like, we were so off our game, it wasn't even funny.
And yet, as bad as we were playing, with like a half hour left, we got this key, and we were putting it into a door, and we were like, if we open this door, and we're out of this room, and it doesn't take us into the second room of this mystery, I'm gonna be fucking furious.
And we opened the door, and the guy was like, YOU WIN!
And we were like, fuck you!
We were so bad!
We had no idea what we were doing!
And we still beat your room in a half hour!
Your room is bad and you should feel bad!
Oh my god.
That was the worst room I've ever done.
It was so crummy.
So yeah, so tomorrow night should be both a hoot and a holler.
And also, I'm looking forward to the fact that I'm gonna win Mega Millions on Friday!
Boom!
A cool billion dollars!
I gotta go buy my ticket.
Yeah, lift us out of poverty, Mike.
Yes, yes.
I'm here to tell you, listeners, I feel like if Mike wins that, We might keep doing the podcast.
It might sound just a little bit better.
Boy howdy, we will have a soundboard.
There will be some weird noises.
Oh, we're going to have the VTuber rigs.
The two of you are going to be anime girls.
Hell yeah!
Yeah, you two are going to be anime girls and I'm going to be a target grade wearing a bow tie.
It's all going to happen.
I'm here to tell you, Sarge is deeply into VTubers and we don't even have to be anime girls.
There's one that's a girl moth.
They launched a bunch of new boys lately.
But what's the point if you're not a fucking cute anime girl?
I mean, we can still be anime girls.
We can pay to have the rigs so you can click a button and go back between a boy and a girl, true anime style.
No!
Only a pretty girl!
Carl, kawaii desu.
And I am always and forever a tardigrade wearing a bow tie.
That's my habit, always.
I'm like a hot anime boy tardigrade with a bowtie.
No.
No, just a grossly realistic tardigrade.
Yes, exactly.
Alright.
Well, on that note, it is time for us to instant transmission our way out of Hellworld.
That's right, another Dragon Ball reference.
What an anime dork I am.
Thank you everybody for listening and supporting the show.
You can continue to support the show by giving us a five-star review on whatever platform you are listening to us on, or by telling a friend if you think they might be interested in hearing three dicks talk about QAnon and Dragon Ball.
If you have money and you would like to give us... Three dicks!
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Good fun.
Check it out.
If you have money and you don't want to give it to us, you can do some good with it by donating it to love146.org, an organization whose vision is the end of child trafficking and exploitation.
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Or you can do the right thing for our country and go ahead and support a blue candidate of your choice in a battleground that matters.
Thank you, DJ Minimal Effort, for the use of our intro.
Still no social media for you, so this is as good as it gets for you, buddy.
However, our good friend Frosty, who provides all of our bumps and our voice artistry work, can be found on Twitter, at FrostyVO.
You can find the show on Twitter, at hellworld, with a Q instead of an O in the word world.
You can find me, at hellworldL.
Sarge, at sargenhell.
And Mike, of course, is at Poker Politics, so that is going to do it for another successful episode of the Adventures in Hellworld podcast.
I have been one of your hosts, Hellworld Elle, joined by Hellworld Sarge and our expert in all things QAnon crazy, Mr. Mike Rains.
Do it, Robocop!
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