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May 26, 2022 - Adventures in HellwQrld
01:36:33
Adventures In HellwQrld Episode #88: Elon Peen, Trump loses, and QAnon's horrible reactions to the Texas School Shooting

This week we have another mass shooting to deal with and QAnon's reactions to it are even more horrible than normal. Plus we have Elon exposing himself, Trump's vendetta against his enemies in Georgia goes down in flames and MTG thinks we need to leave racists alone. Get bonus content on PatreonSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/hellwqrld. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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♪♪♪ Content Warning
The Adventures in Hellworld podcast talks in depth about QAnon, which means we have to talk about all kinds of child abuse and violence against people.
Listener discretion advised.
Hello, everybody.
I am Mike Rains, a.k.a.
Poker and Politics, and welcome to another episode of Adventures in Hellworld.
I am joined, as always, by Sarge.
Hello from the very depressing Internet.
And the mysterious Elle.
Yeah, hello my beautiful babies.
No funny voice this week.
It's hard to do funny voices.
Yeah.
Oh, geez.
Yeah.
So this week has been a bummer is the easiest way to describe it.
But I think this would be a good time to sort of start off in the Amuse
Bouche and try to find some lighter, fluffier, sillier stuff to talk
about before we have to get into like the misery of the of the week.
Yeah, I think for the second week in a row, I have to do double content warning.
It's like, hey, we're not fucking around here, people.
We are going to have to talk about the massacre that happened, which means that we are going to have to talk about child death, and we're not going to try to make fun of any of that, because that sucks.
We're just going to be talking about dumb QAnon idiots and other Republicans, and talking about how much we hate them, and how stupid they are, and trying to laugh at them.
Just another one up top, like, if you haven't been living under a rock and you happen to live in the United States and probably across the world, you know about the horrible massacre.
And, of course, QAnon has dumb shit to say about that, and we are obligated to discuss that notion.
So, if that's not for you, just do not listen to this episode.
We will not hold it against you.
Like, this week sucks, and we're gonna try to power through and be as funny as we can, given the circumstances.
That's pretty much it, I mean... So now we can roll on into the amuse-bouche, because if we're going to try to keep it light and fluffy and try to think of something that's a real gut-buster, it's hard to imagine anything funnier to talk about to start than our boy Elon Musk's penis.
That's right!
The SpaceX rocket itself, if you see it, it is apparently a horror show because he expects you to be able to ID it in a lineup immediately, as is the case with when he decided to expose it to somebody that didn't want to see it.
And she apparently has now been put under the gun by Elon to just be like, oh yeah?
Well, I saw that Chappelle Show sketch about Michael Jackson from 20 years ago.
If you've really seen my penis, why don't you describe it?
Mike, am I missing anything for this story?
Why don't you color it in a little bit for us?
The timing of it by a lot of people is considered suspicious because Elon, just before all this He was like, I'm gonna vote Republican and everyone's like, we don't care.
And he goes, and that means they're coming after me now.
And it's like, no one additionally is coming after you that hadn't been already.
And then it came out that he paid hush money to a woman that he flashed his penis to.
And it's like, oh, you were trying to get out ahead of this.
But yes, he also was just like, If you've seen my penis, you could describe it.
It has a very distinguishing mark, so describe that.
Prove that you've seen my penis.
And it's like, that's not how this works!
My penis looks like the Phantom of the Opera.
It's got a little mask on it.
Yeah, and yeah, basically everyone was like, that's not how this works.
That's not how any of this works.
The timing of Elon just saying that this woman needs to, if she's seen his penis, she can describe the very distinct thing that is only going on with his penis.
And... Baaaaa!
Ba ba ba ba baaaaa!
Yeah!
Not only is it disgusting, but the timing is quite suspicious and not surprising anyone.
Elon buying Twitter is almost certainly not happening at this point, just because he keeps backpedaling and... Well, when he makes it the ultimate free speech platform, he can post pictures of the Phantom of the Penis and we'll all be able to describe what a freak show it is.
This is a new promise to you.
If we make enough money to do this full time, we will commission artists to draw Elon Musk's monstrous penis.
That's not happening.
Never.
I mean, I like Sarge's energy.
Sarge is really getting in there today already at the show, and you love to see it.
That's not sarcasm.
But at the same time, no, we will not commission artwork of anybody's penis.
If you want to make artwork about Elon's Phantom of the Opera-style penis, that's on you.
But we're not commissioning it.
We're not specifically asking for it.
Fine, my coward co-hosts will not do it.
I, Sarge, if we get enough money to do this full-time, We'll commission an artistic rendition of Elon's monster penis.
When we become rich, Sarge will pay you $1,000, no question asked, for any picture of Elon Musk's penis artistically rendered in any fashion.
That's not what I said.
That's exactly what you said.
I want an animated version of his penis.
version of his penis.
For the Phantom of the Penis rendered however you'd like.
Straight from- I want to be wearing a funny mask.
I want a top hat and a monocle.
I want it to be a jaunty gentleman.
You want it to be the Monopoly man?
Yeah!
Mr. Moneybags, Mr. Elon's Bags.
Mr. Peanut?
Yes.
All of these things.
More like Mr. Penis, am I right?
Oh, get the laughs in now.
The other thing I was going to bring up is that apparently this Deal that Elon was trying to make with this woman was that he was going to buy her a horse in exchange for a handjob.
So that was apparently the deal that was on the table before he revealed himself to her.
So that was a very odd offer, I would have to say.
I mean, if I was some Weirdo, billionaire lunatic who wanted sexual favors.
I would just kind of, you know, offer money.
But Elon was like, hey lady, would you like a pony?
If so, unzips.
And it was just like, what are you doing?
You want a no deal?
Yeah, I have so many questions.
Offered a pony for a And then after it all went down, didn't he give her $250,000 to not mention it or whatever?
Didn't she get paid off or am I misremembering that?
That's exactly right.
That is the number reported, yeah.
Okay, so I mean, I guess technically the way our law works is that that is not an admission of guilt, but also the way that reality works, you don't pay $250,000 for people to not mention a thing that didn't happen.
Like, you're just like, ah, yes, it is my flight attendant for the day.
Here's your $250,000 to prevent you from claiming that I exposed myself to you, which I did not.
Because if I did, you would be able to describe my grotesque penis, which you cannot.
I mean, that's kind of the trap Trump fell in with Stormy Daniels and the hush money he paid her.
Like, she signed an NDA, but to prove that she broke the NDA, he would have to admit to everything she said he did and really kind of had him over the barrel there.
Now I can't stop picturing Elon sitting on a plane, but like there's a little organ at crotch level, and there's haunting music coming from it, and the flight attendants like walk in, and it's just like he's like shrouded in darkness, and he just like, he casually looks over his shoulder, just looks like regular Elon Musk, and she's just like, oh thank god, I thought something weird was gonna happen, and then he turns his pelvis, and oh god, oh!
It is both monstrous and wears a mask.
That's what he was getting at.
I feel like if it's a distinct feature was that it was just massive.
I feel like Elon would be proud to say, he'd be like, yeah, SpaceX isn't the only rocket I'm working with, if you know what I'm saying.
I feel like we would know if Elon Musk had a big hog.
The fact that he's just like, oh, it's pretty distinct.
You'd be able to describe it in a lineup.
You'd be able to point it out in a photo lineup immediately.
It's the one that looks like the Toxic Avenger's dick.
Like, it's really bad.
Oh my god.
But now that he has gone full Republican, maybe his wretched-looking penis will join Dark Magga.
Yeah, Dark Magga.
God, so Madison Cawthorne, when he got fully owned and destroyed and will not be joining us again in the political theater, said that Darkmago was coming for everyone and everyone was just like, What the fuck is that?
But he had to know that that would get all the smooth-brained QAnon people going.
And Mike, you were telling us beforehand that Indeed has.
Oh, QAnon is obsessed with Darkmaga and Ultramaga, which I believe is a term Joe Biden used to describe the crazy right-wing tilt that's been happening.
All the major QAnon promoters have rebranded themselves in one way or another to indicate their fanatical devotion to this nonsense.
The major telegram account called WeTheMedia is now WeTheUltraMedia.
PepeLivesMatter is now Ultra PepeLivesMatter.
They love it.
They just love the idea that we're even more hardcore than we were a week ago.
We've dialed up the QAnon.
We've dialed up the MAGA to levels before not even imagined.
This isn't even our final form.
I mean, this is the kind of dumb shit they live for, to just, like, to see themselves as an even bigger edge.
Dark MAGA.
So lame.
They're even bigger edgelords than they were a minute ago, because now we're dark.
Now we're ultra.
We're even more hardcore.
You can't handle how true we are.
It's so extreme.
It's so dark.
Apparently, Cawthorne posted the dark mega as part of Sort of a threat, right?
He's just like, oh, like they got me.
They took me down a peg, but I'm going to come back.
And now Dark Maga is going to run wild all over you.
And didn't he also get in some anti-Semitic jab in there?
Did he?
Was that the thing where he posted something about Gentile politics or whatever?
I did not see that.
What?
Yeah, the time of Gentile politics is over.
Like he's got it.
We're going to have to we're going to have to get moving.
Yeah, the time for gentile politics as usual has come to an end.
Which, uh, okay.
And then he said it's time for the rise of the new right.
It's time for Dark Maga to fully take command.
We have an enemy to defeat, but we will never be able to defeat them until we defeat the cowardly and weak members of our own party.
Their days are numbered.
We are coming.
So to put that thing about Gentile politics right in front of that is like, Oh my God.
Uh, he also, uh, referenced the Uniparty, which is a bullshit, like, uh, basically the far left and the far right both believe in the idea that the Democrats and Republicans are working arm and arm and that there are no two parties.
There's only the Uniparty.
And he also used the phrase America First for himself, which is, again, a hard right alt-right bullshit label.
He's gone extra double mask off.
I missed the anti-Semitic jabs.
I just saw that everyone who took down Cawthorne said they were coming for Boebert next, which we were pumping the fist about.
Yeah, I have yet to see, I mean, I want, God, I mean, given how shitty a person she is, and given how terrible her husband is, if, like, the establishment, if the people who are angry about the Coke-filled orgies and doing the key bumps, if those people are going after Boebert, they have to have a document dump of some kind they could hit her with, I would have to believe.
Because, again, if people don't know, Lauren Borbert's husband exposed himself to a bunch of teenagers.
And he's a weirdo freak.
Prove it!
Rescribe my penis.
Oh God everyone, now all I can think about is is what we're doing.
When the Ukraine war started, that was one of QAnon's biggest things to piss and moan about, was that Zelensky did a bit when he was a stand-up comic where he would play a piano with his penis, and now I'm just thinking of Elon stealing that bit from him, only it's the organ in the Phantom of the Opera instead of a piano.
I know we're supposed to be talking about Dark Maga, but I forgot to bring it up.
You know who must really be a trooper is Grimes.
She was the one courting the Phantom of the Opera Peen.
She was the one being ferried through the underwater catacombs underneath the Opera House or whatever.
Making children with it, giving them weird Transformer names.
Yes.
Yeah, I like how she went back to that wealth.
That's gotta- I mean, it's just like, how are people out there still supporting her?
I don't care how good her music is.
She's willingly siring children by Elon Musk.
Like, fuck off.
You don't get supported anymore.
You've made your priorities very clear.
You're just like, I'm going to let the richest man in the world Impregnate me, despite the fact that he is a tremendous douchebag.
And it's just like, OK, well, guess what?
I don't care how good your music is.
I'm not listening to it.
Fuck you.
Yeah, she's she's made her decision.
So, yeah.
And I love that.
I love that that Elon had that relationship with Grimes.
I love everything about Elon is so antithetical to what QAnon believes in.
And yet he's their new daddy.
I love that.
I love that.
Q said he was a bad guy.
Q literally said that he was releasing stuff about aliens and UFOs to distract us from the truth.
He's been photoed with Ghislaine Maxwell.
He makes electric cars that are woke and bad and awful.
His baby mama is Grimes, who is obviously an Illuminati deep state shill, because you can't be a musician and not be one.
Especially if you're a woman.
Oh of course 100% oh my god I've heard a woman the only way a woman can get ahead in this world
is by being is by eating babies and worshipping Moloch am I right gents am I right? Or by having
a penis which of course means you can't possibly be a woman.
Oh all of that all.
All of that.
And lastly but not least, what do they hate more than anything else?
Microchips being installed in people is the mark of the beast, and boy howdy, no one tell them about Neuralink, no one tell them about Elon's dream for that shit.
Like, everything in that guy's life is super Illuminati deep state, but nope.
He said he was gonna buy Twitter and turn it into a 4chan cesspool, so he's a good guy.
Elon's one of us.
He's on our team.
He makes cool rocket ships!
Like, that's all that matters.
A lot of QAnon has got the Flat Earth bullshit working, so Elon's lying about space also.
I mean, all of it.
I mean, there's nothing in his life, nothing in his life comports itself to QAnon worship other than the fact that he was just like, I'm going to give you back your Twitter accounts and let you say the n-word whenever you want on Twitter because I'm a monster and an idiot.
I mean, that's it.
You're gonna let me be openly racist?
Oh, please put a chip in my brain, Elon Daddy.
Whatever.
That is basically where the... I mean, they love Vladimir Putin, too.
Like, it's...
Baffling.
Oh, they love, well they just love a strong dude who's gonna just like, a strong white dude who's gonna beat the shit out of everyone.
That's all they want.
I love, I saw, I think it was Dinesh, but like someone said something to the effect of like, oh, Biden's projecting the corruption of his elections upon Putin.
And it's like, oh, so you're saying Putin won a free and fair election in Russia?
Is that what we're talking about now?
That the people of Russia actually get to go to the polls and vote and have it counted and it's a real thing?
And Putin's totally legitimate president?
Right.
Okay, buddy.
You're the greatest.
Well, I'm glad that I managed to get us talking about Elon again and not Madison Cawthorn because it's not cool for us to be ganging up on white supremacists.
According to Marjorie Taylor Greene, we should stop bullying white supremacists because something something it shouldn't be about skin color and something something racism against whites and something something great replacement theory.
In our last amuse-bouche before we have to get into the horrible muck of the actual news for the week, let's talk about Marjorie Taylor Greene going to bat for, you guessed it, white supremacists.
Everybody's just extra double masked off lately, aren't they?
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, we've gotten to this point where the Great Replacement Theory, which is just a right-wing bullshit madness thing, is now part of the Republican Party.
And you can say these things.
And in Georgia, Marjorie Taylor Greene coasted through the Republican field to her easy primary victory.
And that's what blows my mind is the dark maga thing.
It shows that if Republicans give a shit about getting you out of Congress, they can do it.
They can find someone, they can find some local businessmen to run against you.
Then they can start hitting you with all the opposition dirt and they can, they can get you out.
They can, they can run a primary to, to like kick you out.
But.
Marjorie's just absolute clown shoes.
She's a QAnon promoter.
She's like dabbling in white supremacy, and that's being incredibly polite about it.
She's a terrible person with an IQ around room temperature.
And yet the Republican Party is like, yeah, you can serve another term.
We're not going to put in any work to get rid of you.
We're not going to fight the primary you.
Um, I can, I guess I'm not that I signed any agreements or said anything, but I was in contact with, uh, Marjorie's, uh, Republican primary opponent.
I sent her a bunch of sent their, their campaign, a bunch of clips of Marjorie saying Q is a Patriot and all that stuff.
So I did what little work I could to try to help somebody like stop something with the, but nope.
None of it mattered.
No impact at all.
Marjorie just high-stepping into the end zone, and she's in a Republican plus 5 million district.
I know the guy that's running against her in Georgia, and I wish him all the best, but, I mean, what a nutjob.
She's just following Tucker Carlson's playbook, just saying, well, she's even more so, she's taking it to the next extreme, saying, let's not pick on white supremacists.
Tucker was saying there are no white supremacists.
That was his thing, and then the Great Replacement Theory.
Oh yeah.
So yeah, they're just following the same playbook, and look where it got us.
Oh yeah, exactly.
The magical land that is America, truly the greatest of all lands.
Well, it's hard to think of a better segue into talking about how great our country is than that, so let's go into our headlines for the week, shall we?
Sounds like a plan!
From the digital headlines to the digital frontlines, it's Q's in the News!
dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dateline may 25th 20 and 22 as a group of
ineffectual texas lawmakers appears who should storm the stage but oh my god oh my god it's
been all wrong oh the humanity yeah it's uh mike sent sent me the the clip before we started
recording it's 45 seconds and it is amazing at At a press conference, Beto storms the stage as just like, you all suck.
You're all worthless.
You're not getting anything done.
And the... Mike, you think it's the...
The Lieutenant Governor of Texas, Dan Patrick, who I think is the one on the microphone yelling at Beto.
Because right before it happens, I think Abbott gives the mic to the Lieutenant Governor, and that's when Beto pops into the screen and starts yelling at them.
And then, again, who us, not reporters, think it was.
Patrick starts yelling at Beto from the stage, like, go away!
You're trying to make this political, even though we're literally a bunch of Republicans on this stage trying to tell you what a bang-up job we did with this school shooting, and eventually they call Beto a sick son of a bitch, and to Yeah.
move, get away and you're awful.
We hate you.
And Beto is eventually ushered away by police.
And that's just how this little bit of political theater happened.
And to the Republican establishment of Texas, go fuck yourselves.
You, you love the NRA.
You love guns.
You promote how much you love guns all the time.
This is, this is, this is how this works.
I mean, this is the, I mean, this happens everywhere in America because we have so many goddamn guns, but in particular in Texas.
They love this shit.
So yeah, this is kind of the outcome that we get and it's awful and terrible and it's infuriating.
It's just so enraging that this is like what we have to deal with.
And now this is on a fucking weekly basis.
We just did this a week ago.
I mean, it's...
It's like, I don't have hair to pull out.
Thankfully, I don't.
But if I did, I'd be grasping for patches of scalp to rip it free from.
It's just... Now that our breaking news is over, it's time to finally discuss why Beto O'Rourke was so furious.
And let's get into our primary headline of the week, which is, of course, the elementary school massacre in Texas.
Which, as of this recording, I believe it was 19 children and 2 adults dead.
I thought it was 19 total, but either way, the numbers are monstrous.
Either way, it's much higher than the zero.
Much higher than the zero we strive for in our execution of children in their classroom.
Or at all, really.
I believe I'm not overstepping my bounds by saying that our official stance as a podcast is that you should not shoot and kill anyone, except for maybe Nazis, and certainly not children.
Uh, yeah, I mean, it's, it's fucking, like, I mean, it's just impossible to conceive of how many just mass shootings we're having in the country now that everyone is climbing out of their COVID hole.
It was like, for a while, nobody was congregating, so nobody was doing mass shootings, and it actually felt like we lived in maybe A regular, normal, not-completely-fucking-broken country, and now suddenly pandemic status has been slightly lifted, mask mandate is gone, people can congregate again, and who decided to come out with full force?
Dumbfuck losers with access to legal firearms.
Let's go!
Yeah.
What's really wild, what Al just said there, was literally a QAnon talking point about why COVID was a white hat operation, why the mass arrests were going to happen during COVID, where they were like, well, the deep state, all they like to do is generate mass shootings in order to throw us off the scent, to terrorize us.
That's why Trump invented COVID as a cover story to lock us all down so that can't happen.
And then the arrests will happen forthwith and we will see the great awakening and life will be great.
And that didn't happen, and they've forgotten that talking point immediately.
Both these two most recent shooters were 18-year-olds.
Yeah, and this one bought his guns on his 18th birthday, because in America, alcohol when you're 18?
No bueno!
The ability to deal death in mass?
Thumbs up!
You got it!
Yeah, and I don't want to dwell on the non-Q specifics of this too long, because that's sort of not our place, and I'm sure that everyone's suffering fatigue from this.
I will say that what Mike Range just said there was pluralized on purpose because this chap went and bought two AR model firearms.
He just went in and legally was just like, yes, for my personal defense and or for maybe hunting, I would like two of your finest assault rifles, please.
And legally was just able to procure two semi-automatic, you know, death dealing weapons, no questions asked, really just like, ah, yes, sir.
Here's your two tools for murder.
Can we get you any other murder with that today?
And he's just like, no, I've got that covered.
So, um, uh, fuck our lack of gun control in this country.
Uh, fuck all conservatives for being against that.
And in general, just fuck the second amendment.
Uh, I know that like I could legally go buy as many firearms as I want to, but at the end of the day, uh, I don't, I don't think that me rooting, tooting, shooting with an AR-15 is going to protect me from the big bad government if Joe Biden decides to drop a predator missile into my neighborhood.
So the Second Amendment is bullshit.
We don't have muskets anymore.
Firearms are way more advanced.
The Second Amendment is fucking nonsense.
At the very least, it needs to be modified in some way, because just allowing people to go out and get an unlimited amount of, you know, 15 to 30 round magazines, semi-automatic to automatic firing weapons just is absolutely crazy.
Like, anyone who tells you otherwise is wrong.
They're wrong.
They're trying to sell you something.
Anyway, I digress.
What does Q have to say about this massacre?
I'm sure that it's not, this sucks, we're gonna keep quiet.
Oh, so this is the thing.
The QAnon decided to go down the most terrible road imaginable with this stuff.
So just a shooting like this, at the very least, you could hope for is all they'd say was false flag, which a beloved friend of the podcast Jordan Sather did almost immediately.
Jumped right onto TikTok or wherever it was.
Posted his like, his camera like takes this horribly awkward thing where it's like his disembodied head and shoulders in front of like news backgrounds.
And he's just like, we're getting a lot of conflicting information here.
So if it smells like a false flag, it probably is one.
And if that was, if that was.
Like that's how the logic works.
Like, right.
But if that was all they did, like I could roll my eyes and we could kind of do the whole thing where it's like, this really sucks.
But like this kind of thing is mainstream.
It's not really the Ballywick of our silly podcast.
But what happened was 4chan and like where a lot of QAnon still dwells and exists.
Started propagating this absolute lie that the shooter was transgender and an illegal immigrant.
And this quickly percolated up through QAnon, and I saw Neon Revolt, who's a major QAnon promoter, promoting it.
I saw a bunch of others doing it.
Then that got to, of course, InfoWars, and I heard they were saying it.
Andrew Torba, the guy who runs Gab, Reposted people saying this, and it eventually got to Paul Gosert, a sitting member of Congress, posting a tweet declaring that the shooter was trans and an illegal immigrant, and that the shooter was quote-unquote your kind of trash.
To somebody else who was arguing about this.
And none of this is true.
The person whose photo was being circulated has come out and said, I'm not the shooter.
I'm alive.
I want this debunked.
This is bullshit that people are slandering me this way.
And that it's just like the idea that they have to attack the out group, even with this, that they can't.
I can't believe InfoWars even touched that.
Like they've already gotten sued.
They're already just.
They're getting their lunch eaten with these lawsuits.
Yeah, I don't think I knew that there was a photo associated with this of a person who is still alive and knows about it and is probably having their life destroyed over it.
So, whatever GoFundMe we need to set up to get that person, the legal counsel, they need to destroy all of these people, including Gosart, in court.
Like, let's rally behind them!
Yeah, it's wild.
Yeah, I just I just I just pulled up the actual Gossard tweet.
It says we know already fool.
It's a transsexual leftist illegal alien.
We've are it's apparently your kind of trash and attacking someone and I once I think once a few enough blue check marks on the left found Gossard's tweet and started posting it.
Gossard deleted it.
At that point he realized there was a little too much heat on him.
Yeah.
this shit. And he had to take it down. So just just all of that just all of the fact that these people are trying to
ruin the lives of someone who is totally not involved in the
shooting. Yeah, this was that was something that happened to
info wars. That was the other lawsuit they got hit with was they they falsely identified the Parkland shooter. Yeah,
that person sued info wars and they had to like, they're either
about to or had to cut a check to that person.
He just recently passed away.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I remember that.
And, uh, this kind of, uh, this kind of shit where you target someone who is not the shooter, who, as we, as we know from reporting, the shooter is dead.
This for this person's alive.
And now these assholes in the right-wing scum-o-sphere are trying to ruin this person's life, mostly because they're trans and they hate trans people and they want to demonize them.
So it's just.
Like, I can't even imagine a worst possible reaction to a shooting than, oh, a shooting happened?
Let's blame it on someone in a marginalized community put their face on the internet and try to ruin their life.
I mean, it's not a political issue.
Yeah, that's another thing I love about that.
Like all these people fucking pissing and moaning about how this isn't a political issue.
It is Definitely a political issue, because some people on one side of the aisle would like to make it harder to get murder weapons, and other people on the other side of the aisle are perfectly fine with the murder weapons, and when these shootings happen, the murder weapons are at the center of it.
So to try to claim that it's not a political issue is complete fucking nonsense.
They're just like, it's not a political issue, and it's a false flag.
But if it wasn't a false flag, the person who did it is definitely trans and an illegal immigrant.
Yeah.
And that is your American conservative in a nutshell, which is why, again, to you, the audience listener, I implore you, stop associating with the conservatives in your life.
They're not going to learn.
You can't educate them.
They won't be told.
The only thing you can do, the only recourse you have is to A, vote Democrat or liberal.
Just any sort of liberal, really, but preferably a candidate that could actually win.
And two, stop associating with Republicans.
Make them pariahs.
Tell them that they are not welcome in polite society.
Fucking force them to evolve or perish, metaphorically.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Force them to force them to have consequences for their beliefs.
I mean, it's just because they want, they want there to be consequences for you to live your life.
I mean, they, they have no problem, uh, supporting a political party that is all about, uh, controlling women, controlling who you're allowed to marry.
Uh, they, they want to take your way, your, your, uh, right to birth control away from you.
And they want to allow anyone who wants to have access to a gun that can shoot a lot of bullets Very quickly with a lot of a lot of velocity, so they're gonna do a lot of damage That's what they that's what they're that's what they're supporting that is what they like that's what their beliefs manifest into in the real world and That's horrifying so I mean Also, I hear people, a lot of the times when I tell people that, they're just like, oh, but then everything's just gonna be a big echo chamber.
And it's just like, I don't know about you, but the echo chamber I live in is pro-trans rights and pro-LGBTQIA+, just across the board, and supporting people of color, and normalizing saying I love you to your friends, and wanting gun control, and Uh, if that is the echo chamber that I've built for myself, my echo chamber fucking rules, man.
It's, it's great.
It's exactly what I want it to be.
And if I ever want to, like, get outside of my comfort zone, there's this cool thing called the internet, and I can go educate myself about any issue immediately at any time.
So, I encourage you, build an echo chamber full of people that you like and trust, that have, like, the liberal, hopefully, ideals that you support, and if you ever want to challenge yourself, go out and challenge yourself by just doing some research on stuff on the internet.
But, like, I never understood why people are just like, echo chamber bad!
It's like, no, if the echoes are all positive sentiment, then echo chamber good.
Like, if you get a bunch of dumb fucking conservatives together, their echo chamber is terrible, because they're talking about how much, like, they hate the Jews, and how we should be able to kill black people again, and I don't think women should vote, and this stuff.
It's like, okay, well, guess what?
That echo chamber sucks, because the people that are making the noise suck.
Absolutely, yeah.
Like, sometimes preaching to the choir is fine.
Like, Yeah, I don't know what else to say.
And especially another thing about preaching to the choir that's fine is that when you preach to the choir and try to
push forward for positive change and actual, some low level of activism at the very least.
I mean, if this shit's bothering you, vote.
Vote locally, vote for city ordinances, vote for your mayor, work at that level, and build outwards from that.
So like, whoever your governor is, and beyond that, and just trying to impact things in one way, shape, or form, or another.
I mean, however you think you can, like, put your back into it to try to do a little positive change in the world, that's a good thing.
And I think, like, Encouraging people to do that is good.
And at the very least, just having a support network, having people to talk to, having people to deal with the crazy world that we're living in, and the fact that this shit is happening.
I think that's a good thing to have also. I just, I don't think the idea that you should only have
people that like support you and have the same energy as you around you is a good thing. You
don't need to bring in the guy who's going to be like, well, look, I understand that what
happened today in Texas was bad, but you can't take away my guns because reasons.
It's like, no, Bob, we don't need to hear that conversation today.
No, we're not going to talk about that because...
I had a friend for years and years and years from high school and he posted on the Hellsite Facebook that black people would stop getting arrested so often if they stopped committing crimes.
And I was just like, no, I don't need to talk to this person anymore and just cut him off.
Like, like I don't need to associate with someone that gets fooled like this and or has these beliefs because they
didn't come from nowhere.
And it's depressing, but you can't... I think what we need to... part of what Mike was saying,
and I think Elle also shares, we can't give up hope.
You have to push for actual change.
We have to challenge our politicians.
I mean, one of the Democratic senators from Connecticut was begging on the Senate floor to just enact any sort of measurable change.
Beto O'Rourke stormed the stage.
And not everyone in Texas sucks.
Boy, Ted Cruz said that like, uh, every school needs an armed guard and we can't fall into that.
More guns does not solve the problem.
No matter what.
This school had police officers there and the police officers quote unquote engaged with the suspect.
But after a firefight with the guy, he just got into the school and the cops didn't pursue him.
Didn't do anything.
Well, okay.
I read a little bit into this.
What happened was that the shooter got into a classroom and barricaded himself inside of it.
And then the police, not having any way to get inside of the classroom without endangering everyone in there, began evacuating the other students from the school.
And in that process, they were hearing the gunshots that were killing all of the students in that classroom until their specialized unit that could breach that room successfully got there.
So, there was an armed police force response to this incident, and they were in a situation where, like, yes, they were there, and they were a bunch of quote-unquote good guys, and they had a bunch of guns, and what they were doing was they could not get into that classroom, at least as far as I know, from what I've read during the reporting.
Again, granted, I'm not a reporter or whatever.
But so instead of like ineffectually trying to get into that room and possibly endangering all those students, they decided to try to save the lives they could save.
And then in the process of that, they had to hear children being murdered.
So...
Like, putting an armed security guard at every school is not the way.
Like, it's obviously not going to work out the way they want it to.
Like, one or two cops with guns can't respond in a situation like this effectively.
It's never worked.
School resource officers, armed officers in schools, have never once prevented A school shooting.
And we have enough now, we have enough data, that we can just definitively say, this doesn't work.
Like, this just does not work.
Yeah, I mean, just look at what happened at the grocery store massacre like last week, or two weeks ago, whatever that was, because it all blends together now because we have so many mass shootings.
Like, that person was engaged by a security guard with a firearm and took some shots to the center of mass.
But he was wearing body armor, so it didn't fucking matter.
And like, all those people got massacred anyway.
So the good guy with a gun theory, it just doesn't work out, mate.
Like, it's not a deterrent.
Nope.
Yeah.
Not in the slightest.
But that's Ted Cruz's official line.
Every school needs an armed guard.
And that just sounds so dystopian and nightmarish to me.
Because you're just putting men with guns in schools where they will hurt someone.
And it's not going to be a school shooter.
Like, what happens when you have I mean, given how trigger happy our police are?
What happens when like, there's like a fight between like, two kids in a school and then it escalates?
We're like now like four or five kids are brawling with each other.
And you bring this guy with a gun into the situation trying to deescalate it.
I mean, this is America.
What are the odds that guy's just gonna shoot one of those students to try to stop the fight from escalating further?
I mean... Yeah, when I was in high school, when fights would break out, the teachers that were there to break that stuff up, it was typically our science department, which was also all of our football coaches.
Yeah, you've told us, sorry.
Like, they would, like, in order to break the stuff up, like, they would have to get in the mix, and they would, like, take punches and stuff.
So, like, I don't really trust most police officers with having one or more people approach them aggressively, trying to hit them, or whatever, without them reaching for their firearm and blowing someone away.
Because I've seen enough instances of that being the police officer response to a situation to know that that's kind of how that goes down.
When all you've got is a hammer, a.k.a.
aka a gun, every solution, every problem looks like a nail.
And like, it's, god damn it.
Yeah, it sucks.
It's super miserable.
It's awful.
I mean, this is all you can say about it.
It sucks.
QAnon sucks.
We've sort of just gone into an assortment of different rants about how much we hate the current state of our world that leads to stuff like this.
And I feel like we've sort of been on it enough.
So we'll put a pin in this for now.
I'm sure we'll have to talk about another mass shooting at some point in the future.
Yeah.
For those of you who want more of our sweet, sweet mass shooting content, don't worry, we're Americans, so you'll get more of it.
But before I transition away, I do just want to say, for the record, fuck Joe Manchin.
Fuck him and his stupid asshole.
Okay, so let's move on to another person that deserves the sentiment of fuck them, fuck them and their stupid asshole, our good orange friend Donald Trump, who the New York Times is reporting, as of today, may have actually been Very excited about his hung friend Mike Pence.
Wait a minute, am I getting that headline wrong?
Mike, I don't think that's... I think I may have written it down wrong.
Mike, what's the story about?
We're not talking about Mike Pence's massive hog, much like Elon's, but actually...
No, this is Penis Talk, our podcast within a podcast, where we just talk about celebrity
dongs.
I will see you next time.
We're going to have to work on a better name for that.
Yeah, well, Al will get back to us.
He's better at puns than I am.
Yeah.
So, apparently, while the protests were going on during 1-6, Trump was talking to his staff, and he was like, yeah, you know, maybe they should hang Mike Pence.
Which is not a great look for the President to be saying.
I don't know if you saw this part, but the New York Times specified in their reporting, they were just like, we're not sure what tone President Trump sent us in, and it's just like, what?
What tone makes it appropriate for this?
Real quick, what tone is the acceptable one?
The New York Times cannot confirm that he played a rimshot sound effect on his cell phone after saying this, securing that it was a joke.
What fucking tone?
It's the President of the United States referring to a call for his Vice President to be hung until he's dead.
Tone seems irrelevant, mate.
Maybe that's an diligence thing, but yeah.
Workshop this, but I'm sure that's an appropriate tone.
Yeah, I'm just not sure what tone it was in.
He could have said it in any tone.
He could have been laughing hysterically.
He could have been really morose.
Whatever it was, Donald Trump was just like, yeah, because Pence didn't go along with our cockamamie belief that the Vice president of the United States is some sort of mystical secret tyrant that can by fiat decree the outcome of an election any way they want.
Uh, because he didn't buy into that.
Uh, yeah, maybe he should be killed.
Maybe my vice president should be murdered by a violent mob.
That would probably be a good outcome right now.
I mean, I still don't like Mike Pence, but holy shit, he's coming out a lot better than Trump.
And every time he gets talked about.
It's wild.
It's absolutely wild.
I mean, I just, yeah, it's really, it's really crazy that, uh, from the stories that were said at the time that Mike Pence literally went to Dan Quayle and was like, yo, bro, uh, they really want me to, uh, like try to steal the election.
And Dan Quayle told him, he's like, bro, I've been there.
I've been the vice president that had to literally chair the meeting where you have to certify that you got your ass kicked in an election.
Yeah.
But it's all you can do.
That's your job.
Daniel Whale, choking back tears that anyone on earth even remembered who he was, offered Mike Pence the following advice.
Yeah, exactly.
Thank you for calling me.
Daniel Whale brushed the dust off of his telephone and picked it up.
With trepidation, his voice was just like, H-hello?
What?
...
Yeah, god.
Dan Quayle stunned to be talked to by anyone outside of his immediate family and friends.
Like, I wonder, I wonder if Dan Quayle, I know, I know that presidents have lifetime secret service protection.
I wonder if vice presidents do.
I wonder if Dan Quayle has like one secret service agent who just like hangs out with him a lot and is just like, Oh, remember those Halcyon days when I was vice president?
At least I have Steve hanging around with me, reminding me of those moments when I was Minorly culturally relevant and misspelled potato.
But yeah, so... Every once in a while he calls up Steve.
He's just like, Hey Steve, I haven't seen you around in like a couple of months.
Is everything okay, bud?
He's just like, Oh, don't worry.
I'm still on the details, sir.
I'm just, it's the secret service, if you get what I'm meaning.
Like, just, I assure you, I'm still there.
And he's just like, Oh, okay.
You want to talk about it?
Then click meh.
And he's like... Exactly.
Exactly.
The funny part about this whole bit, and like, this is not part of the bit, as I'm saying all this stuff, I am trying to conjure an image of Dan Quayle in my mind, and cannot.
Do not remember what that person looks like.
I remember what Dan Quayle looks like less than Bob Dole, who we dug out of mothballs last week to bust on.
Bob Dole at least got that Simpsons episode, where it makes it pretty clear that now, like, I'm just like, oh, I at least kind of know what Simpsons Bob Dole looks like.
I could not point out Dan Quayle to you if you put a gun to my head.
The most famous thing, besides the potato thing, the most famous thing I can remember about Dan Quayle was that he was the worst possible score you can get in Virgins of Civilization.
I forget who was the absolute best, like Alexander the Great or maybe Julius Caesar, Sounds right.
bottom rung was like Dan Quayle.
Like that, that was, that was, that was as low as we got.
And I just looked at a photo of Dan Quayle and holy shit, is his hair horrifying?
I had no idea.
I really didn't.
So that was like a, that was like a, just a shot of, of evil nostalgia to the brain.
Staring at a photo of Dan Quayle gazing back at me.
A lot of politicians just have unfortunate hair.
It's strange.
You know you're going to be a public figure.
Go to the salon or whatever.
Figure it out.
Look, Boris Johnson, I'm talking to you, I'm talking to Trump, I'm talking to Quayle.
All three of you have similar political clout.
You're all the same.
Boris Johnson, Donald Trump, and Dan Quayle.
They're the Mount Rushmore of political power, and they've all got dreadful hair.
Come on, guys.
Yeah, it's not great.
Someone once said that politics is Hollywood for ugly people, and they ain't lying.
Oh, Madison, you were their hope.
You were the pretty one.
Damn right.
Yeah, but you couldn't stop filming yourself grinding and thrusting on other dudes, which is a big no-no in your political party.
And also personal political ideologies that you're like a Nazi or whatever.
Anyway.
So on top of the hanging Mike Pence thing, the New York Times has also reported That apparently people have testified to the fact that Mark Meadows used his office's fireplace in the White House to burn documents.
So, that seems fucking illegal.
So, hey!
Department of Justice, Merrick Garland, are we going to do anything to anyone?
Come on.
Help us out here.
Throw us a bone.
Still no.
No.
Tim!
Dammit!
Garbage.
White people.
Always getting away with it.
Who could have seen this coming?
God, dag, nabbit, all that.
All of these old-timey non-swears you could possibly use to describe the situation.
That's where we are.
So yeah, just the former president wished his vice president to be brutally murdered and his chief of staff was just like rolling up documents into a ball and just chucking them into a fireplace.
So, great.
The experiment of American democracy working as intended.
The dream continues to live.
It's, it's beautiful.
I mean, I remember in the mid nineties when Bill Clinton got an extramarital blow job and everybody lost their fucking minds.
Yes.
Oh my God.
Like the worst thing ever.
I remember Clinton like just like walking down a hallway or whatever and people were like screaming at him, resign, resign you pig.
And it's like, okay, uh, man, boy, howdy.
If that's, if like, If personal failings was your benchmark for a president having to leave office in disgrace, what would Trump's term in office have been?
Five minutes?
Ten?
Maybe?
I mean, holy shit.
Considering before he got elected to president, he was bragging about sexually assaulting women, and it came out that he needed to pay off a porn star.
Well, I want to travel back in time with this knowledge and just confront Republicans of 1997 with it or whatever, and just be like, this is your future.
This is your future, and it's glossing over the GW era, because this guy even makes GW look like a good candidate by comparison.
They're gonna be like, who's GW?
And it's just like, eh, he's gonna get us into a war with Iraq the last 100 years.
Don't worry about it.
It's gonna be great.
It's gonna be absolutely great.
And then 20 years later, he's gonna flub a public speaking thing where he calls his own war unprovoked or unjustified or whatever it was.
Wow!
Yeah, that was...
Yeah, that was awesome.
I probably should have put that in the amuse-bouche, I forgot about that.
Yeah, I did too, because so many awful things happened.
Yeah, let's just say, like, I really wish that somebody just had the Mission Accomplished banner to unfurl behind him when he made that gaffe on stage.
Oh my god.
It's just like, yeah, the unjustified war in Iraq, and someone's just like, pull the rope, and they pull the rope, and then just the banner unfurls, and like, it's majestically waving at the priest behind him.
We don't have anything for the Russia-Ukraine roundup coming in.
Not, I mean, Russia is offering really, really high contracts for their soldiers because they're just suffering tremendous losses.
Yeah, I mean, they claim to have taken Mariupol and they are, however you pronounce that, I'm sorry if I butchered that, and, you know, so apparently that is quote-unquote done.
And yeah, Vladimir Putin's still probably dying from blood cancer, and it's just still a bad scene.
Unfortunately, it's just not getting talked about very much in America because we suddenly have our own bad shit to talk about.
Yeah.
But you know what we do have to talk about, which I guess could be considered bad shit based on the way it goes, is our midterm elections that are happening.
So here's Mr. Mike Rains with our midterm roundup.
So our beautiful God Emperor, Donald Trump, he decided that he was going to try to throw his weight around and let everybody know who to vote for in these primary elections.
And his main enemies in these primaries were the Georgia governor, Brian Kemp.
And, uh, the Georgia Secretary of State, uh, Brad Raffensperger, who, um, were famously the two guys who are Republican shitheads who've done everything they can to rig their own elections.
But, uh, when it turned out that Biden somehow got more votes than Trump in spite of all of their best efforts to rig it, uh, they said, you know what, Donald?
Uh, you lost.
Uh, them's the breaks.
So, uh, eat shit, Donnie.
And by the way, Georgia is not enough electoral votes to flip this thing, so we're not sticking our necks out for you in a meaningless protest of you losing, so go to hell.
So Trump endorsed Candidates against both of these men to defeat them during the day on truth social Trump made a post about how the Georgia elections seemed to be generating a lot of buzz and getting a lot of people out to vote and that maybe this high turnout would be a good sign for him.
It wasn't.
Kemp won by roughly a million points over David Perdue.
David Perdue, who has decided to end his political career in the absolutely most shameful, horrible way possible.
In a debate against Brian Kemp, Perdue declared that the 2020 election had been stolen.
He was basically backing all of Trump's baseless conspiracy theories.
Recently, right before everyone went to the polls, Perdue said that Stacey Abrams, if she didn't like what was going on in America and Georgia, she should, quote, go back where you came from, which is an incredibly racist thing to say, an incredibly racist thing to say about a black person.
So go fuck yourself, David Perdue, and you deserve to get smashed in this primary, you piece of shit.
So yeah, that guy really went out in a blaze of glory.
The Secretary of State, again, Raffensperger was the guy that Trump called on the phone and was like, hey buddy, can you find me enough votes so I can win this election by one vote?
Did that seem sus?
The hope, the only hope they had for that election was that in Georgia, as we learned from 2020, You gotta get over 50% in order to win.
You can't have one of those third-party situations where you get 40% and then the other two guys get the remaining 60% but they split it up enough that you win with the 40% and that's it.
In Georgia, you gotta get a majority to get the W, and there was hope in the Trump QAnon camps that at least Raffensperger could be pulled down into a runoff with the Trump-approved opposition candidate, but that didn't happen.
Raffensperger got over 51% of the vote, so he's gonna be free and clear and is on his way to the general election.
So, in the two big battles of the night, Trump batted a crisp 0 for 2.
Take that, Donnie Two Scoops.
You failed kingmaker in the Republican Party.
Although he does get to brag that Herschel Walker, who had almost no opposition in the Republican primary, cruised to a Republican primary win.
He also gets to brag about being the man behind the curtain that is propping up Oz.
You see what I did there?
Oh, oh God.
So Trump, Trump is so happy that it appears that Dr. Oz is going to win the, uh, George,
the Pennsylvania Senate Republican primary, which again is something that fear infuriates
QAnon because Dr. Oz has said nice things about trans people and has hung out with celebrities,
which makes Oz an absolute monster.
Yeah.
Trump actually had a post on Truth where he was explaining that his endorsement of Oz came a little late into the game when Georgia early voting had already started.
But at least his endorsement came in enough to tip the scales to give Oz what will hopefully be the W in the near future.
But if Trump had got off his butt and endorsed Oz a month or two earlier, Oz would have cruised to victory because that's the power of the Trump endorsement.
It just literally sends you into office on a golden ticket.
I just love that Trump was just so sensitive that Oz apparently isn't gonna win by big enough of a margin that he has to be like, hey, now the reason why Oz isn't winning big is because I endorsed late.
If I had endorsed earlier, massive victory.
Landslide.
You have no idea.
Unstoppable.
Yep.
And, uh, right now the Republicans in Pennsylvania are currently having a big, uh, shouting match, a big to do because, uh, McCormick, the guy who's like trailing Oz by like maybe a thousand or 2000 votes at this point, McCormick is pretty adamant that we better make sure every mail-in vote gets counted and, uh, you know, Republicans and mail-in voting, not the best of friends.
So, uh, yeah, it's, uh, Yeah, it's super, super hilarious what's going on right now in Pennsylvania, as McCormick is looking under every sofa cushion, checking under every large rock for a properly postmarked balance that might be his.
So yeah, it's a wild ride.
It does appear that Oz is going to win this thing, but time will tell, because again, the margin is incredibly thin.
Yeah, incredibly thin.
Well, fun times.
We've spent a lot of time talking about our horrible country, so let's get into our wonderful mailbag.
That sounds like a much better thing to do.
Our listeners got questions, we got answers.
It's time for Q and A.
So, uh, Cleodora Silvestri, uh, pours kerosene on the NFTs, uh, says, uh, if Hellworld were an anime, what would each of your powers and secret forbidden technique you would eventually be forced to use to defeat your nemesis?
Oh, um, well, what kind of anime are we doing?
Like a mecha?
Are we JoJo style?
Are we a shonen?
Um, Uh, maybe, oh god, I can't remember the name of it.
Maybe it's, maybe it's like that one where all those, uh, video game manga characters start coming into the real world.
Oh, uh.
It's the mishmash.
You just get whatever anime prology you want.
Re-creators.
Yeah, maybe it's re-creators and you just get to, you just get to YOLO whatever anime trope-ass power you want into it.
Okay.
I feel like with the amount of joking I've done about it, my power would have to inevitably be the selling out.
At some point, I would be in the middle of a fight, and it would be going against me, and at some point, I would just be counting down, and then I would get to zero, and my opponent would just be like, oh, so what's that mean?
And I'm just like, that was when the sellout and all ran out, and I'm just like, gah!
And then I just suddenly become uber-Republican and super powerful.
I produce an unlimited amount of AR-15s and just start blasting away.
Your ability to oppress people increases tenfold.
You just become all... Every bad thing in America manifests in El's glorious powers.
It'd be a sight to behold.
Um, I've been making a lot of jokes about looking at celebrity dong, so... Oh dear god, no!
I don't know.
So Sarge's power is that first his jaw unhinges.
Gates of Dong-A-Long.
And just summon infinite celebrity dongs and everyone has to look at them.
Oh, uh, that's... Describe them.
Yeah, describe them in detail.
It's like, uh, it's like the original Yu-Gi-Oh!
manga where it just turns into some sort of, like, death game where you're just like, okay, I just showed you a picture of three Dongs.
Describe them.
And if you can't, you die.
They're just like, inevitably somebody's going to slipknot themselves and just be like, that doesn't work.
I'm not going to play your game.
I'm going to just grab your dogs.
And then they try to just walk away and their head explodes or whatever.
I have no idea what my secret power would be.
I am, like, just... because I'm just such a, I don't know, like, just kind of useless trivia-knowing moron that spends way too much time in this cesspool.
I guess my superpower would be what they say on the internet, where I, like, touch grass and become, like, a normal human being again.
Maybe that would be a dream.
Your superpowers when you take your socks and shoes off and just like let the energy of Mother Earth pour into your body?
Yes!
I believe in the anime parlance they would call that going super caucasian.
Oh my god, he's going super caucasian level 3 and your hair becomes gold and just bobs itself into a Karen hairstyle.
Oh god, that'd be perfect.
Suddenly you're demanding to speak to managers.
Yes.
It's all happening.
It's all happening.
That'd be so beautiful.
We have some inter-staff happenings here because Frosty VO, or VO Frosty, sent us a letter
saying any buzz to the penerverate, the micro-migrant.
The pentavirate, another word that, hey, between Cleodora Silvestri sending us a question and
Frosty asking about the pentaverite. Mike Rains' mouth is really getting a workout.
It is, absolutely.
It says they must have loved the name drop.
That really came and went for them because they in a lot of ways, they don't know how to handle positive media or like things that like react to them as being part of, quote unquote, the mainstream, because they can't handle that.
They have to be hated and reviled by everybody at all times.
I mean, I know I know Alex Jones had a big sulk about it.
Because it was just not cool, and Michael Myers was giving him a sad by making fun of him.
But as for actual QAnon people, they really didn't take well to it.
I didn't see a lot of, I thought Inside Job would have more cachet with them. But
one thing I've always said about QAnon is that ridicule is their kryptonite.
They just can't stand it when they're not taken seriously by anybody.
So when you show them in a kind of like silly light where like they love being talked about as like this dangerous conspiracy theory on the internet because that makes them sound powerful and like intimidating and interesting.
But when you just like, like, give them the razzle dazzle and just like, like, just poop them on the nose, then then they get very upset or they just have to ignore you because they don't know how to react to that.
It's something that is just incredibly powerful.
To defeat what they want to perceive themselves as being.
being made fun of.
I will say that we're going to need to put Pentavarite on the poll that we do for the
next piece of pop culture media that has anything to do with QAnon.
Whenever we decide to do our next big Patreon subscriber push, therefore locking ourselves
into having to watch some awful movie that has something to do with QAnon, Pentavarite
have to be on that list I guess.
That is the only way you're gonna get me to watch a Mike Myers movie in the year 2022.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Like who decided to drag that guy out of Mothballs?
Austin Powers came out in like 1997?
Dude, it's been like 25 years.
That guy doesn't get to be famous anymore.
His last good movie was like two decades ago.
You shut up.
Those can't have aged well.
They cannot have possibly aged well.
I saw the first one less than 10 years ago, and I still got some good laughs out of it.
I mean, I, like, you know, as far as I know, the first Austin Powers movie is just, like, genuinely pretty funny.
It's got some stuff that doesn't age well in it, but show me a movie from 25 years ago that doesn't.
I mean, holy shit.
Like, our society, like, culturally, aside from conservatives, is just, like, advancing at such a rapid pace that Uh, any media from anywhere near our childhood that we look at, it's just like, oh, that was a pretty good, but...
That one part, I don't know.
Like, super bad.
That movie still has a bunch of funny jokes and a lot of good performances in it and all that, but it's just like, at the end of the day, that movie's about two guys and their heroic quest to date raves some people in it.
Like, isn't the whole point of that movie is that they're like, we're gonna get girls drunk enough to fuck us.
It's like, okay, well.
Is that the joke?
I mean, it's not the joke, it's the premise of the movie.
Jonah Hill's character literally says as much.
He's just like, nobody will fuck guys like us, we need to be the ones to bring liquor to this party so they won't get drunk enough to have sex with us.
Neither of them actually go through with it, but like the whole like at the very like the very top level plan is date
rape some girls Yeah
Yeah, that might be yeah, that might be a bridge too far nowadays just just a touch
Yeah, how about Tropic Thunder?
Remember when that movie came out, Robert Downey Jr.
was a blackface for the whole thing?
That's pretty good.
Yeah, an actually funny movie.
But like, like one of the characters, like one of the characters whole gimmick is that his career was ruined when he made a movie where he would full R word.
And that's a big joke.
So you have Robert Downey Jr.
saying that and he's a blackface.
So I'm pretty sure you don't make that movie these days.
I think I think 2008 or whenever I came out was like probably the last year you could do that.
Yeah, that I've the discussion I've seen on the internet about Tropic Thunder is my God, it is a rabbit hole that never goes away because there are people who are saying that like I don't know.
the way they did the blackface was this meta joke on this level made it okay and it would still work now versus no
fucking Way that wouldn't happen
Yeah It's like it's just something it's like, you know what?
Why can't we just let tropics under be tropics under must we try to bring it into the current day?
I mean, let's just let a piece of art be a piece of art.
Let's just calm down everybody I'm just gonna I'm just gonna fall back on my perpetual
force field to remove myself from situations like this and just be like, it is not my place to say if that's
offensive.
I am white.
Blackface does not affect me personally in any way, so if somebody who it does affect is just like, this is offensive, then it is offensive.
If somebody hears the jokes about the development of the disabled and they think it is offensive, then it is offensive.
It is not my place to try to tell people.
It's not offensive for this reason.
Right, exactly.
I don't know why, but that just reminded me of someone went to a Halloween.
It may have been a spirit, but there was basically, they had all these Uh, graphics for like face paint and like in all of them, it's a white guy and his face is blue and then his face is yellow and then his face is orange.
And they get to the one where they're using black face paint and they actually just drew a lightning bolt down the middle of his face to just to show you the black face paint.
And it was just like, good idea.
Good call.
Yeah.
I mean, at least that means that somebody is paying attention, right?
Like at the very least somebody at some point you figured that they were probably Like, going to just do like, okay, now we're going to roll this black face paint all over you.
And somebody was just like, that is a bad idea.
Like, that is not going to work.
We need to do something different.
Give our boy like a, give him like a Bowie-style lightning bolt or whatever.
Like, do not paint this man's face all black.
Yes.
We're gonna we're gonna we're gonna highlight our blackface paint by rolling your face into the blackface paint and then we're gonna highlight our deep red lipstick by putting that on you as well.
And then whoever, whoever was trying to do that move is escorted out of the building and some really fired.
Because that's just very bad.
Yes.
Oh, remember the ringer?
Johnny Knoxville?
Uh, yes, vaguely.
I mean, I do remember it and, God, I wish I didn't because, you know, I like Johnny Knoxville well enough, but all of his movies are bad.
All of his non-Jackass movies are just terrible.
So, like, he's one of those guys who I like despite... He's like Ryan Reynolds before Ryan Reynolds was in Deadpool.
It was a guy that I liked despite the fact he was never in a single cut movie.
Remember Shallow Hal?
That was a good one.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, we're talking about bad movies that didn't age well.
Yeah, okay, well we should pull ourselves out of this rabbit hole because we've got more questions to answer.
I can talk about terrible movies all day.
Yes, okay, so ConfidentlyBefuddled asks, how many tunnel tots could you take in a fight?
What?
So for those of you who don't know what a tunnel tot is, this was one of the endless nonsensical things in QAnon, was that children are being trapped and held captive in what's called a deep underground military base, or DUM, and that these military bases are being destroyed and that these children are being brought to the surface for the first time.
They're basically like mole children who've been trapped underground their whole lives.
This was all this was also a thing that was being used as a context for the quote unquote, white hat COVID that I talked about earlier in the podcast that like, we were we were going to be seeing all these children liberated from these military bases.
Coming up, coming to the surface very soon.
And so at some point we called them mole children and then someone else said that that was offensive and they should be referred to as tunnel tots.
And so this question is, is how many of these children had been crapped underground for their whole lives could we realistically take in a brawl, one of us versus many of the small children?
Well, under normal circumstances, perfectly happy to engage with this question, but given the context of this week, we are going to move on from this question.
Yes, so the answer to this question is pass.
I'm not saying that you did anything wrong, question asker.
And again, under normal circumstances, I would be happy to discuss this with you,
but it just seems like it would be incredibly poor taste to talk about fighting children right now.
So we're going to go on this one.
Yeah. So Pancake Peasant says, if Elon gives a Hellworld L one million dollars and hires
him as his court jester, can I be L's court jester? Salacious comment.
Salacious crum impressions included.
Doubling up on the jesters?
I mean, I guess if it's coming out of Elon's pocket, then yeah, I'll take a staff.
I'll happily have a whole court of jesters.
And then we could just we could just prance and caper and make sure that
you lot at his disfigured penis look are very happy.
Yeah. Also, where's my one million dollars, Elon?
If you want me to stop talking about your mangled peen, you're going to need to give me $1,000,000.
That's going to be great for me to stop talking about your allegedly horribly deformed penis.
Once that million dollars arrives in El's bank account, El will start using positive adjectives to describe your peen instead of the horrifying adjectives he's currently using.
Instead of describing it as looking like a monster out of the movie The Thing, I will go ahead and start describing it as being luscious and luxurious.
Oh, absolutely.
I will describe it like that drag queen described Jared Leto's penis as being massive and with a head on it like a Praetorian
helmet.
Well, yeah, we will.
Once that million dollars is there, I mean, I'll still be like working for free because Elon hasn't given me the
million, but we will workshop it.
We will workshop out possibly the best possible way to describe Elon's now good dong in this situation.
I mean, I guess distinctive doesn't necessarily have to mean horrifying.
I guess it could just have, like, a mustache.
Shaped like a U-turn sign.
Yeah, it could have a big bend in it that goes all the way to the back.
It doesn't necessarily have to be horrifying.
I guess it could just have like a mustache.
Shaped like a U-turn sign.
Yeah, it could have a big bend in it that goes all the way to the back.
It could look like a basketball hoop.
That's where he got the idea of the Hyperloop from.
He was just like, oh shit.
Now you know.
It's actually three pronged.
It looks like Ghidorah.
He's got Monster Zero for a peen.
Oh man.
Man, thanks, Elon, for giving us so much material this week.
In these darkest times, you came through for us with your bizarre penis.
Once again, the P-Talk will change its texture and tone for the price of one million United States dollars.
That's it.
We're easy.
We're very easy.
So, Reverend Xenofact asks, what current edition D&D classes would the following Q figures be?
Donald Trump, Michael Flynn, Ron Watkins, and then he names three schmucky internet guys that you guys don't know, and I would lump them all in as NPCs that, like, are useless, so fuck those guys.
Okay, well, Donald Trump, a high charisma score, Relative to all of his other stuff, because that's sort of all he's got going for him is his ability to hoodwink stupid people.
So, high charisma score, low constitution, probably low strength and low dexterity, and somehow low intelligence and wisdom.
I mean, so, let's say that he's just got high charisma, and then because it's 5th edition D&D, you can't really dump anything too badly, so he's just got like midland scores in the rest.
That sounds like a bard to me.
Because all he does is incite other people to better levels of violence while doing nothing himself, which is sort of the Bard's whole deal.
Rod Watkins, also high Charisma score, but completely useless.
Not high Charisma score, incredibly low Charisma score.
Completely useless, so let's just say dumped charisma, not useful doing anything.
Sounds like a monk in 5th edition D&D, because they're super multi-attribute dependent, which means that they can't afford to have anything in their charisma.
But, you know, that would be giving Ron Watkins too much credit, because that would mean that he would have high other scores.
Michael Flynn, I don't really know enough about the guy.
He just seems like he'd probably be a fighter, because they're just sort of bland, but not completely worthless like a monk is.
So, I'll just say fighter for Michael Flynn, because it's boring and so is he.
I do like the idea of Donald Trump as basically like the kind of modern-day version of a bard where he just like yells like he has like kind of incantations that are his songs like lock her up and build the wall and all these things so he just he Yells these dumb platitudes into a crowd and the crowd just receives various buffs based on their misogyny or xenophobia or homophobia.
It's like whatever, whatever form of bigotry hits you to augment your powers in that way.
That's what Trump can do on your behalf.
It is my sincerest hope that somebody hears this and they get all bothered that I dared to call the monk class in 5th edition useless and or worthless.
I want that person to try to engage with me on Twitter because I've been playing 5th edition D&D since it was a playtest and I would be happy to tell you the ways that it's wrong.
It's like, do you want to be worse at everything?
Like, do you want to be a worse martial class than even, like, a barbarian, or heaven forbid, even the fighter?
And do you want to have, like, crappy spell-like abilities that are worse than all the spellcasting classes?
Do you also want to be multi-attribute dependent?
Well then, boy howdy!
I've got a class for you.
Oh, do you also want to not be able to take advantage of cool treasure when it drops because you're supposed to be fighting stuff with your fists and not wearing armor?
Well then, monkey's your class, buddy.
You're in luck.
It's just like, ah, then you open the treasure chest and inside of it is, like, some plus one, like, plate mail, and, you know, you've got, like, a plus two longbow, and you're just like, well, I'm a monk, so I'm just gonna... I'll go into the other room while you guys, like, splash around in this treasure pile like Scrooge McDuck.
Cry quietly to myself.
Don't worry though, when I hit 6th level, my fists are treated as if they're magic weapons for the purposes of overcoming damage resistance so I can finally punch ghosts.
Meanwhile, your fighter's just like, I found this sword 3 levels ago, let me do that!
Okay.
I do like punching ghosts.
Yeah, the fighter's just like, you mean like my sword Ghost Slayer that we've had since like 6 months ago?
It's like, fuck you, goddammit!
And finally, a question that's absolutely only for me from Patsy or Paste.
I'm sure they'll correct whichever way they say that.
What are your thoughts on Phil Godlewski?
He claims to be the real Snowden, wrote some Q-drops with his streams, brings QAnon to the next step by letting people decode him live.
It's crazy, but QAnon needs a daily rush and he gives them those sweet adrenaline.
Uh, Phil is a weird, like, remora in a lot of ways.
I remember when, uh, there was like all the big fighting between Linwood and Michael Flynn that Phil was out there saying stuff like, now, now everybody, this has to be kayfabe.
There's no way that, uh, Flynn and Linwood actually hate each other.
Cause we're all Patriots and we're all on the same team.
And it's like, Phil, guess what?
Everyone's a grifter.
They're all out here to make a buck.
No one's on anyone's team.
They all hate each other.
And Phil has been beaten up by Jordan Sather and other people and we the media for being a naysayer, a promoter and an unserious idiot.
So I think the main takeaway I have about Phil is that when it comes to like the thought leaders, like the big time movers and shakers inside QAnon, They really don't see him as a big deal.
They see him as, basically, kind of like a sideshow clown.
So, if that's the shtick he's doing, because I've never actually watched any of his videos or anything, I mean, good on him for having an audience, but, I mean, if that audience dips their toe into any other sphere of the QAnon world, they're not going to be hearing good things about Phil.
Let's just put it that way.
Phil is...
Persona non grata when it comes to the hoity-toities.
I don't know that he's getting invited to any of the conferences by QAnon John or anyone.
So yeah, take that, Phil.
You're a C-lister in QAnon, and it takes work to suck that bad.
Wow.
Ouch.
Savage.
Yeah.
So yeah, so that's Phil, and that's the mailbag for this week, which brings us to our question to end every mailbag, which is, what are you guys looking forward to?
I actually thought about this beforehand for like the first time ever.
Wednesday is the day my current this season favorite anime updates.
It's about the crazy underworld golf betting mafia with a giant underground golf course that Shifts and changes so they can make new holes at a whim and like every dumb anime Like this everything focuses around golf in this world.
Everybody loves golf way too much any sports anime or vice versa They'll love something way too much and all conflicts can be settled
with it like food wars every conflict is settled with cooking
Everything is settled with golf betting in this world, and I love it so much. It's very dumb
Like of course because they're anime all of those sports sport shows are like very
Japan centric when it should be clear to anyone watching it including presumably the Japanese
It's just like and then we're gonna go to the American tournament. It's just like oh, you don't want to do that
No, you don't know don't do that. That's no with
So in Eyeshield 21, which is the manga slash anime about American football, this Japanese high school team at one point plays a American high school team, football team, and their goal in that is very realistic.
They just want to lose by only one touchdown.
And I was like, that is very fair.
I mean, that's more realistic than a lot of them.
I remember watching Kuroko no Basket, also known as Kuroko's Basketball, and that was just like, oh my god, the Generation of Miracles, what incredible high school basketball players in Japan.
And I'm just like, bro, whatever happens when they encounter an American high school basketball team?
And it's just like, hi, my superpower is I'm seven feet tall.
You are one of the tallest people in Japan, and you are 6'3".
I am 7 feet tall, and here are my teammates.
They are all also 7 feet tall.
I do like in that that one of their best players is, uh, because he trained in America.
So, you know, credit, a little credit to them there.
For street ball.
I mean, I get it.
It's media made by Japanese people for Japanese consumption.
So of course it's good, like the same way that like all of our, all of our stuff is for our consumption.
So it's like America, A number one.
But I feel like in the world of professional sports, like especially when it comes to like basketball or
whatever, it's like, yeah, we are the best.
And part of that is because we just have the money to take the people from other countries
that are the best in their country and just make them American players.
It's like, you play for the NBA now.
Because it's like, it's the same thing with like hockey or whatever,
because all of our best hockey players have like incredibly Polish names or whatever
all of our, all of our, all of our best hockey players have like incredibly Polish
names or whatever that you couldn't pronounce on your best day.
that you couldn't pronounce on your best day.
And, uh, it's just because we have the money to make them American players.
And it's just because we have the money It's the same thing with like hockey or whatever, because
Right.
It's like, yeah, like all, all, all these sports, uh, if you want your,
you want the big bucks, you have to come to America.
The only sport where you don't have to be in America to make the big bucks is soccer.
So it's like when an American gets signed by like a big, like European soccer club,
it's like, Ooh, shit.
An American actually made it!
They got to leave America for soccer!
And every other sport is basically the opposite of that, where it's like, oh, you're, like, a really good basketball player in South America?
Guess what, you gotta go to America to prove it.
I mean, that's just the name.
All the best baseball players in Japan, if they can get over here, get over here.
Yeah, their actual dream is to be good enough at baseball in Japan where they can come be good or okay at baseball in America.
I'll give them credit, the ones that get over here are very, very good.
Oh yeah, all of these athletes that manage to make it to America from their home country are exceptional.
I mean, that's why.
But it's just, I just always really love the idea that like, especially Kuroko no Basket, because I watch so much of it, and they're just like, oh yeah, we're the Generation of Miracles, we're the greatest basketball players in high school ever.
And it's just like, bro, you're in Japan.
Like, what are you on about?
Yeah, I mean, but it's yeah, it's this is just how it works.
And now we have a situation where in America, the best baseball player might be Shohei Ohtani, who's from Japan, and the best basketball player might be Giannis Antetokounmpo, who's from Greece.
So it's just, hey, if you're really good, you gotta come to America for this shit.
It's just how it works.
But they also do that sometimes, there was a Japanese anime called Gate, which was about a gate that opens up to a fantasy world in Japan, and it becomes a big political thing.
So at one point, American special forces are sent in to do a thing, and they easily get popped up by the Japanese Special Defense Force, and I'm just like...
I mean, I hope this makes you feel good.
Like, I mean, this media is for you, by you, so I hope this makes you feel good.
But all of that was just as fantastical as the orcs and shit.
Like, I'm not gonna lie.
We train you.
Our special forces come over and train yours.
You buy our military equipment.
Nothing ever makes me as patriotic as watching media from other countries daring to not give America credit.
As we've gone over many times in this episode, I'm not a huge fan of the country that I'm from slash live in, but every once in a while something will weirdly start tickling my patriotism sense, and I'll just be like, that would never happen!
America's so good!
Hoorah!
Me and Elle watched an incredibly dumb anime At one point where there were anime girl versions of famous warships from out history, usually from World War II, and these aliens were roughing up the anime girls and they were like some Japanese warships, and then they were like, oh shit.
It's the Enterprise.
And I remember me and Elle both were like, you're a big fucking trouble.
That is an American warship.
Like, let's go.
Let's go right now.
We unfurled our American flags and started waving them.
I remember we had this conversation too.
We both sort of realized what we were doing.
And we were just like, why are we so fucking weirdly patriotic about this dumb shit?
Yeah, for this anime girl.
So Elle, I guess you're excited for anime as well.
Oh yeah, sorry, I got distracted as I want to do by talking about dumb pop culture stuff.
I am actually, you know, the person who asked the D&D related question is pretty on the money because tomorrow night is the second session of the new D&D campaign that I'm in.
And the first session, you know, had some hiccups because it's the first session and we're doing it all digitally, but it was also a lot of fun.
So I'm excited to get a second session of that under my belt.
All of the players are really going for it.
We have different We're all doing different weird accents that are probably offensive to the people from the countries they are, but they're all white people accents, so I don't think we're really offending anybody.
But yeah, it's great, and I just love D&D, so that is what I am excited for.
Mike, how about you, bud?
What are you excited for this week?
I'm excited for the fact that I hopefully will have a little more basketball to root for.
The Boston Celtics are continuing to make a meal of this series against the Miami Heat that I don't think are that great, and the Celtics should be able to defeat them, but who knows?
Who knows how it's going to go?
Uh, on top of that, uh, hopefully, uh, I will be able to order a new mattress.
Cause that would be an awesome thing to have a nice, comfy, comfortable bed to sleep in.
Cause I do love me some sleep.
So, uh, those two things, uh, plus the fact that, uh, now that I'm doing more, uh, like managerial work at my, on my day job, I get to walk a lot, which is probably really healthy for me.
Cause as QAnon has pointed out, I'm a husky dude.
That's a bit overweight.
And yeah, Porker in politics!
Ha ha ha!
Fat guy!
So it's kind of nice to look at my step tracker at the end of the night and be like, holy shit, I walked eight miles today.
That's probably a good thing.
So yeah.
So those are the kinds of things that are currently on my plate of things that I'm happy about.
And in QAnon's defense, Porker in politics is a pretty funny burn against you.
I'm not going to lie.
I have been sizzled like so much pork.
Absolutely.
That'd be great.
That's one of our future t-shirts, for sure.
If they want a free one for me, because I'm also overweight, they can call me the Mysterious LBS.
That'd be great.
Oh, no!
And on that hilarious free joke for QAnon people, it is time for us to go underground to the secret watery catacombs underneath Hellworld and get on a gondola.
And who is ferrying our gondola?
It's Elon Musk's horrible peen!
Yay!
And he is going to ferry us away from this horrible place for the week.
So thank you, listeners, so much for supporting the show.
If you'd like to continue to support the show, the freest way to do it is to simply tell a friend or anyone you think might be interested in hearing us three jerks talk about the QAnon phenomenon.
Or, if you feel so inclined, you can go ahead and give us a five-star review on whatever podcast platform you happen to get the show through.
It actually really helps us by massaging the algo.
If you have some money and you'd like to give it to us, we would be happy to accept it.
More than happy, in fact.
Especially if you're Elon Musk and you'd like to give me one million United States dollars.
But even if you're not Elon Musk, you can give us some amount of your United States dollars by visiting us at patreon.com slash poker politics.
Where for $5 a month, $5 a month or more, you can get access to 40 plus hours of bonus content, including series such as Cub Ballin' and What We Do Out of Shadows, and the most recent series where we talk about 2,000 mules, Mule's Errand.
So if you'd like a bunch of bonus content, including a bunch of other series I don't have the time to mention, $5 or more a month at Patreon.com slash PokerPolitics will unlock all of that sweet, sweet content.
And we'd like to welcome this week's slate of beautifuller babies to the fold, and that would be KJ, Warner Rockus, which is a cool name, and Floptical Fish, who is a returning Viewtifuler baby.
And I don't know.
I mean, they left and then they came back, and I'm not sure why, because Lord knows the content hasn't gotten any better.
Love to see you back.
Thanks for coming back.
Yeah, I mean, we do appreciate you coming back.
I'm just saying that, like, you know, the show is kind of the same as it was when you left.
So maybe it's all that hot mules content, but whatever it is, you'll love to see it.
So join us, join us and all of our beautiful babies at patreon.com slash poker politics.
Or, if you have some money and you don't want to give it to us, we totally understand.
You can do some good with it by donating it to love146.org, an organization whose vision is the end of child trafficking and exploitation.
Or, as we've been recommending for the past three months, you can go ahead and donate to whatever pro-Ukraine charity you think will do the most good and make you feel the best about helping them in their defense against Russian aggression.
Thank you as always to DJ Minimal Effort for the use of our intro song.
Still no social media for DJ Minimal Effort, so this shoutout is all you get.
Frosty, our voiceover artist friend who has provided our bumps and our content warning, the voice of Q whenever we need it, etc.
It also asked us a question this week, so thank you Frosty.
Can be found on Twitter at FrostyVO if you'd like to go give them a shout and tell them that you think that their selfie voice is pretty cool.
Normally, this is where I promote the side podcast that Sarge and I did, but Binge Wordy is unfortunately on hiatus at the moment.
It will return at some point, probably as a monthly pod, talking about some more niche topics.
So if you'd like to be around and be notified when that happens, you can find us on Twitter at Binge Wordy.
That's B-I-N-G-E-W-R-D-Y.
I actually just posted the notes I had taken for our Dirty Dance
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