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Jan. 3, 2004 - Art Bell
02:42:44
Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell - Leland Gregory - Wacky 911 Calls
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From the high desert and the great American Southwest, happy to do good evening, good morning, good afternoon, in
whatever time zone of this great world of ours you reside in, we cover them all from here.
It's known as coast-to-coast and largest overnight talk radio program in the world.
Hey baby, we're on Mars!
We did it!
It really looks like we did it.
I think CNN caught the picture of the moment, a really A good-looking Chinese or Japanese or Korean-American, I don't know, working at JPL, dressed in red, white, and blue, has got his hand in the air, and you can tell he's a happy camper.
Mars Rover is on the ground, on Mars.
They've got the appropriate signals back, 15-watt transmitters, or transmitter, I guess, and a couple of antennas.
And they've got a signal from the surface, and In a moment, we'll examine what it means, what we can look forward to, with, of course, none other than Richard C. Hoagland.
Now, whatever you may think of Richard, he's the biggest, loudest, strongest advocate of finding out more about Mars that I know of.
He's absolutely passionate about it.
It is his life-consuming business, and he's done many things in his life.
Thanks for a medal.
For science, the science advisor to Walsh Cronkite, the daddy of them all.
And in a moment, we will tap Richard's expertise.
He did, after all, call water on Mars a long, long, long time ago when NASA was saying, nah.
Richard called the fact it'd be water on Mars.
In fact, this little rover is down in a crater.
I don't know if that's right.
Yeah, a crater I guess.
Something created by millions of years ago by some sort of impact on Mars and there's a lot of things that look like they may have held water that run into it so they have put the rover down there specifically to examine the possibility of water.
That water is or was on Mars.
That life may be or perhaps was on Mars.
And our resident guy, Richard C. Hoagland, about what we just did.
By the way, the pictures should begin coming, I don't know, in an hour or two.
He may have an update on that.
in moment richardson will by the way in the next power we're going to have leland gregory
here and he's got some of the funniest of you ever heard your whole life
Just absolutely riotous stuff.
He does some CDs called Wacky 9-11 and Stupid Criminals and stuff like that.
It's going to be an awful lot of fun, so that'll be coming up in the next hour.
But, folks, we're on Mars.
We finally have made it to the surface a little over an hour ago now.
They confirmed we were safely on the surface of Mars.
Hey, Richard.
Hi, there, Art.
Hi.
All right.
All right.
Could you kind of take, you know, not everybody got to see or hear this alive on CNN or the NASA Channel, as you know we both did, so could you kind of take them through what just happened?
Yeah, it's about an hour and a half ago now that they actually landed.
Right.
This spacecraft, autonomously, totally on its own because of the speed of light, lag time between Earth, you can't control the stuff from Earth, went through, as Zed Weiler said, who's the Deputy Administrator for Space Science at NASA Headquarters, he coined this term that everybody around the world's been using for the last several days, the six minutes from hell.
Yeah, yeah.
And in those six minutes from entry, when the heat shield of this little lander hit the atmosphere and boiled up to the surface temperature of the sun, Through parachute deployments, through airbags, through bolt cutters, through retro rockets, and then airbag bouncing on the surface and rolling to a stop.
They actually made it!
A whole damn thing worked tonight!
And there's a 400-pound rover sitting inside those airbags, which are now being retracted even as we speak.
And there's a whole automatic sequence which is going to go on.
In another few minutes, in about 15 minutes, Mars Odyssey, remember our little Mars Odyssey orbiting Mars, will fly over the Spirit rover landing site.
Right.
And because they had locked radio signals back to the antennas on Earth, and radio signals up to Mars Surveyor at the moment of landing, and all kinds of amazing data on the UHF channel, They believe that in about 15 minutes, they will have a successful flyover with Odyssey, which will give them a snapshot, not only of what the rover is doing all by itself, because it can't be seen from Earth right now.
Earth has set.
And so you can't, with the antennas on the Earth, see anything.
I would think even if you did have a shot at observing Mars, you couldn't see it.
No, you can't.
When I say see, I mean see electrically.
No, I'm talking about the big DSN antennas.
They're getting no data directly from the antennas because, you know, the Mars rotated out of the field of view, and the Earth's set from where they're over here.
But the flyover, the flyover of Odyssey in about 14 minutes now, they expect that we will actually get not only data, but pictures, Art.
So within about 45 minutes, we may have pictures on the ground Of what this landing site looks like, because the first thing that we're going to do is turn the cameras on, on the mast, which is the little telescopic mast that has two sets of cameras on it.
Sure.
And take pictures even before they raise the mast.
I believe they're telescopic cameras, aren't they?
They're telescopic.
They are about three to four times better than any surface camera we've ever had on the surface before.
They can see a boulder the size of a softball out at the end of a football field, a hundred meters away.
So, and they'll be in color.
Alright, where are we?
Where did we land?
We are roughly on the equator in a hundred mile wide crater called Gusev.
And you were right.
It is an ancient impact site.
At least, they think it's ancient.
I think it may be more recent.
And it's filled with sediments.
There's a huge river, an ancient river, that flows into it from the south with a huge talus apron, like a Mississippi Delta.
It extends about halfway into the crater, and this rover is sitting at the end of that delta, hopefully not too far from the center of the landing ellipse, which is 39 miles long and 3 miles wide.
Alright.
It may land a bit long.
It's a cute robot with wheels.
It has wheels.
In a few days, they're going to be very cautious now.
This whole thing has to, you know, unlimber itself, the pedals of the protective lander, which is a tetrahedron, by the way.
I knew you'd say that.
Well, it is!
I know.
And it landed on the base pedal, which is really fortuitous.
I mean, they had one chance in four of that happening.
So, what has to happen is that all by itself, on its own computer control, with Odyssey merely eavesdropping in the next few minutes, it has to reel in the airbags, deflate them, it has to open the pedals, it has to unfold solar panels on the actual, you know, golf cart-sized rover, Because without the solar panels drinking in sunlight, the batteries will die and the spacecraft will basically die.
Sure.
And it's about 3.30 in the afternoon Mars time.
Local Martian time.
So they've got about four hours of sunlight left.
So they've got plenty of time to top off the batteries and survive the cold night.
And then tomorrow morning, there will be two overflights.
One by Surveyor, roughly 8 o'clock your time.
And one by Odyssey, roughly noon your time.
Which will give them all kinds of new information, including engineering data, health, housekeeping, and they'll know basically what shape they're in.
Okay, Richard, so we're going to get high-quality color pictures, correct?
We may get high-quality color tonight.
Tonight.
So you're going to have to split your attention.
You're going to have to listen to Art with one ear and watch CNN with the other eye.
Now, so they're in this crater.
When I say crater, I mean this thing is a huge flat lake bed.
And they're in this crater so they can look for... I mean the main mission is to look for... Evidence of water.
Evidence of water.
That's number one.
Evidence of sedimentary deposits.
Right.
When you're in the middle of a lake that's filled with sediments, mud... Yes.
Basically that mud washed down from the Southern Highlands.
Right.
Whenever weird things happen on Mars.
Now the cool thing about this is that The NASA team thinks they're verifying one set of models from Mars.
As you know, we have a different model, the so-called Mars Tidal Model.
This little rover is going to give us stunning information.
Okay, what's your model versus their model?
That the catastrophes on Mars that led to the floods and all the water and all the erosion and all that are only about 65 million years old as opposed to 4 billion years old.
That Mars used to be a satellite of a bigger planet that blew up 65 million years ago, pieces of that planet were flung all over the solar system.
One of them hit the earth and did in the dinosaurs.
A lot of the debris hit Mars, causing this incredible southern cratered hemisphere, which plastered one half the planet with all kinds of impact.
And this landing, this Gusev crater, is right at the boundary between that plastered zone in the southern hemisphere and the smooth northern plains that appear to be the Leveled sediments of the ancient Martian ocean.
Yes, and this is also what Dr. Van Flanderen... That's right.
Tom Van Flanderen has been, you know, championing this idea for several years, but he didn't get the evidence that we've got, which is the evidence on Mars itself given to us by these various missions.
And the main belief at NASA is... That it's an ancient, ancient crater surface.
Nothing has happened recently on Mars for billions of years.
And all this stuff happened a long, long, long, long, long, long time ago.
And this mission could prove one of these by what?
By, well, the one key thing we're going to be looking for, this, this, this spacecraft carries amazing analysis instrumentation.
It can rove out and it can look at rocks, it can look at the soil, it can measure spectra, which is how we get element content and mineral content.
Right.
What we're going to be looking for, Mars is red.
We believe that Mars is red because of the catastrophe, that Mars is red because of all the junk that got dumped on it from the planet that blew up.
If that's true, a lot of that red stuff is oxidized iron from the exposed core of the exploding planet.
Now, we know on Earth that the core of the Earth is a combination of iron and nickel.
Well, to us Earthlings, red and iron seem connected.
When iron rusts, it gets red, yes.
Well, but the minor constituent should be nickel.
This spacecraft, for the first time of any spacecraft we've sent there, the Vikings or Pathfinder, can measure the nickel content of the iron dust, the iron soil, the iron sand.
And if it's a certain percentage, it will confirm our model of the exploded core of the planet that Mars used to orbit.
And when do you think this kind of data will begin to... Well, they're going to start within the next week.
They're going to, you know, be very careful.
They're going to sit on that little lander base until they know everything's working.
Then they'll raise up on the legs with the wheels.
They'll roll down a ramp and they'll start looking at rocks and they'll start sampling.
With this amazing set of gadgets they have on this reticulated arm.
Yeah, now I've heard it's about a week that they... Yeah, it's about a week before they actually begin to move.
So they look around and they identify each rock and they probably have a committee meeting about what path will be taken.
Exactly.
And they'll have orbiter stuff, orbiter photographs taken looking down.
They'll have the descent lander camera that was photographing.
In fact, one of the mission managers said a few moments ago, before we came on the air, that they think they can make a movie of the descent from the engineering camera photos that were taken all the way down to landing.
That'll be pretty cool.
That will be cool.
And what they're going to look at is they're going to do spectroscopic analysis, remote control with the cameras, which can actually look through various filters.
And they'll look for various interesting rocks that look unusual and different and anomalous.
And then they'll roll over with the wheels to the rock and then they'll sample the rocks and they'll, you know, do this for a year or two.
Or they're actually planning 90 days for the nominal mission.
We all know that these things last longer.
There is nothing on this particular mission and spacecraft that will discern biological life, is there?
No.
That was on the other one.
That's on Beagle 2.
And as I said, you know, when we have more time sometime, I think I figured out what happened to Beagle 2.
But it's much too long and complicated and intriguing a story to get into tonight.
But it's just put that on your to-do list.
You know, I think I figured it out.
This lander does not carry any life detection experiments.
It only carries environmental experiments, but depending upon your model, depending upon what you think happened to Mars, the data can move you down one canyon or another canyon in terms of various models.
Now, the coolest part about this is the serendipity factor.
Since we're dealing with the honest folks at NASA, I mean, just look at their faces.
These are an astonishing achievement by a tremendous group of people, and I've got to take my hat off to them.
I was sitting here thinking before how different it was in the old days, where I would have to get on an airplane and fly across the country.
I could sit in my living room.
I've got the computer here.
I've got the TV on.
I've got NASA television by satellite.
Well, as I was saying, Richard, if you can get to CNN, an Associated Press photographer got a wonderful picture of this Asian-American in mission control.
Yeah, he is the mission commentator.
Well, they caught the picture, believe me.
I mean, it says it all.
I've been looking at that shirt all night.
Yeah, it says it all.
I mean, they caught him in that instant.
Oh, they were dancing around and they were hugging each other.
You know, I feel so good for them.
Now, let me tell you where this audience is going to get some maybe surprisingly cool stuff.
Since we're in the middle of this ancient basin, which is filled with sediments and junk and debris when the catastrophe hit.
Debris, as you know, when you have flash floods, everything washes downstream.
So with this rover, it's not inconceivable that we could literally roll up to a piece of debris of a Martian house.
Or a trailer.
Or a wing of an airplane or anything sticking out of the mud.
I have a high confidence level that if we start getting pictures back you'll be calling me up saying, ART!
IT'S A HAMMER!
LOOK!
A HAMMER!
And the cool thing is that since these guys don't even expect that, I mean it's so far down on their radar that below, you know, there will be no a priori censorship because the neat part is we're supposed to get these pictures alive.
Yes.
And so watch carefully The first panorama is tonight, to see what we get, because there could be some major surprises, and I'm telling everybody, stick some tape in, and roll tape, because as you know with Pathfinder, there were cool things around that lander in 97, and they changed.
So everybody roll your tape.
Exactly.
Alright, I was watching CNN, when they were discussing the possibility of life, past or present or whatever, on Mars.
And the scientist being interviewed said, it's wonderful!
He said, it's almost theological!
And boy, that one stopped me cold in my tracks.
It's almost theological.
Well, we're getting close.
How's it theological?
Well, I mean, look, from the mainstream perspective, forget artifacts, forget, you know, former civilizations, forget all the stuff that we all, you know, think about and talk about here.
They're looking at the confirmed existence of a microbe as a theological moment, because it would mean, if it was independently evolved, that life, you know, happened in two places in the same solar system.
And as Carl used to say, if that can be confirmed, when you look at the night sky, it means the galaxy is still teeming with life.
No question about it.
And it has to run the gamut.
This could not be the only place where you and I are having this kind of conversation.
In the universe, if that were proven to be correct.
So, yes, confirming even microbes is a major theological event.
As you know, that was our conversation in Wisconsin.
But we're thinking light years beyond microbes, and we have data.
I mean, one of the ironies is, as I'm sitting watching the coverage, I'm doing some work on some of the face images from Mars Surveyor.
Yes.
And I have got an image, Art, that's going to absolutely knock your socks off.
There is an unequivocal Ancient, eroded building complex.
And when I put it up on the web and point you to it, you will absolutely 100% say, Dick, that is a building.
A ruined building.
And it's right next to the face.
It's right on the eastern side at the base of the face platform.
Are you happy with where they landed, Richard, or would you rather have them... No.
No.
At best, we're going to get environmental data.
If we have the serendipity of coming across a ruined Martian trailer sticking out of the mud, that would be amazing!
There's not a high probability.
Alright, Richard, we're going to wrap it here.
If anything occurs, I mean, anything over-the-top occurs during the continuation of the program here, you call me.
I'll get you on the air.
I will be here.
And if there's any giant surprise, I mean, you know, I'm here tomorrow night, too, so... So by tomorrow night, we should have some amazing images.
Well, exactly.
Alright, buddy, thank you.
Thank you, my friend.
And good night.
We're on Mars, baby.
We're on the Red Planet.
And we're about to open our eyes.
From the high desert, I'm Ari Feld.
I know you can see behind me, it's a surprise.
I know that you have, cause there's magic in my eyes.
In my head, I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
And I think that we're about to take flight And I think that we're about to take flight
And I think that we're about to take flight And I think that we're about to take flight
It don't come easy, you know it don't come easy It don't come easy, you know it don't come easy
But the thing you do is if you wanna see the blues And you know it don't come easy
To talk with Art Bell, call the wildcard line at area code 7.
The first time caller line is area code 775-727-1222.
To talk with Art Bell from east of the Rockies, call toll free at 800-825-5033.
From west of the Rockies, call 800-618-8255.
To talk with Art Bell from east of the Rockies, call toll free at 800-825-5033.
From west of the Rockies, call 800-618-8255.
International callers may reach Art by calling your in-country Sprint Access number, pressing
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From coast to coast and worldwide on the internet, this is Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell.
Alright, one segment of open lines coming up, so if you've got something you want to get on the air, we're as close as
your telephone. We're on Mars, baby.
And we're about to open our eyes and we're about to get photographs.
It really should be something, perhaps even almost theological.
We'll be right back.
Not a bad way to begin a program, huh?
By having America, just as you're starting the program, put a rover Down on Mars.
It's going to be, and it's a very exciting time, could go on for even longer, perhaps than three months if they're lucky.
You know, they say, as Richard said, they say three months, but then a lot of times things last longer.
This could be very exciting indeed.
First time caller line, you're on the air.
Good evening.
Yes, sir.
Mr. Bell.
Hi.
You're very respected and loved out here in Agua Dulce, California.
Thank you.
Welcome to the program.
Thank you, sir.
I wanted to talk to you real quick about a craft that we believe is the Aurora.
We've seen it several times behind our house.
Oh, yes.
The first time we saw it, it looked like... Remember those spaceships they had in Space 1999, that TV series from about 25 years ago?
I do.
You're correct.
I have other friends who, on a regular basis, see the Aurora, so it is up there flying around.
I was so proud to see it.
I've never seen anything that was even close to UFO.
I saw that, it didn't for a second think it was from another world.
Well, that wouldn't be a UFO, that would be an IFO.
Yes, sir.
Thank you.
I saw this, I thought, those military guys are some pretty sharp fellas.
This thing, it goes straight up, it goes sideways, it would hover.
It was almost surreal to see something move this way.
Well, it's good to know we're still cranking out the new stuff, huh?
Yes, sir.
A lot of people have seen it, and it's wonderful to be on your show, sir, and you have a good year.
You have a good year, too.
It is that, isn't it?
Also the beginning of a brand new year.
Oh, yes.
The aurora has been rather visible to quite a few people lately.
Quite a few trips out over the water and back.
Wild Card Line, you're on the air.
Hello.
Hi, this is Kim from Utah.
Hi, Kim.
And I wanted to talk to you, you know, a little bit about this question of sabotage in outer space that came up last hour.
All right.
And there was a book written by Major Frank Corso, now deceased.
I interviewed Colonel Corso many times.
Oh, well, then you'd go more about him than I do, obviously.
Quite some bit, yes.
But, you know, one of the points he made was that there were photos of the dark side of the moon.
where to go where to go
uh... let's try this Are you still there?
Yeah.
Good.
Okay, there were photos of the dark side of the moon.
Of the dark side of the moon, where there were bases of UFOs.
And if, in fact, that was a true statement, then there would be lots of reasons why the U.S.
of A would not want us going to the moon, and would conduct whatever shenanigans would be necessary to say we'd been there when we had not been there.
Well, I've got to admit, I really have a hard time with this duality thing, this secret government with the secret space program versus the public space program and all of that.
I've always had a hard time with that.
I tend to believe what seems simplest and, you know, what seems simplest is we're doing the best we can.
Well, I grant you that and I also have been, you know, agreed with that.
This evening I heard some things that made me question my own sanity.
But it's hard to think that we'd be lied to that much.
Nevertheless, there's certainly a lot going on that nobody's talking about.
There has to be.
I'm with you.
Thank you very much.
It's really hard for me to absorb and deal with the fact that we've been lied to again and again and again and so deeply.
Now, that just may be the prejudice of somebody who was born in 45 and grew up during the years when when the FBI said it, baby, you could take it to the bank.
And when government officials said things, you automatically believe them.
Now, I know to many that sounds stupid and foolish, but that is generally the way it was then.
We've come a long way, baby, and not necessarily in a good direction.
I mean, we have arrived in a place today Where as many people doubt anything said by a high government official as just by it automatically.
Maybe even more.
East of the Rockies, you're on the air.
Hello?
Hello?
Yes, hello.
Hello?
Hello again.
Are you there?
I am here, are you there?
Yes, hello, I'm sorry.
Don't be sorry, just proceed.
I have a concern about, um, people are talking about, uh, the relationship between the British probe and the American probe.
I have been, but I really can't.
that relationship between that and and sort of conspiracy and and i like to think less about
that and more about how that might be a good thing
about how and as it's been stated in books about
there is a reason that we might be lied to so could you speak about that?
no, well, I have been, but I really can't I did speak about it as much as I'm going to really
yes it could be true that we are simply being lied to on a massive scale
That is not what I tend to believe.
I... I just... I... I guess... I'm stuck in the past in that regard, and I tend to trust what my government tells me.
I'm not quite over the cynical line completely.
How about you?
What's for the Rockies?
You're on the air.
Hello.
Hello, Art.
This is Seamus in Rohnert Park, north of San Francisco.
Welcome.
I haven't talked to you in a long time.
It's good to be on the air with you again.
Good to have you.
What's up?
Well, you know, I always love it when you have Richard Hoagland on.
This guy is so wonderful to be able to come out and present the materials that he does.
And one thing I was noticing, and I just read recently in the paper, where, you know, Earth is slowly losing its magnetic field.
That would seem to be the case, yes.
And I also recently read, in regards to Mars, that it had once a magnetic field, and it has lost it.
And that its atmospheric depletion It was a result of, you know, the solar wind hitting the atmosphere because it didn't have that magnetic field to protect it.
Well, that's one possibility.
And one thing that just kind of bears to mind in Richard's findings, which again, I applaud him.
You know, we were trying to find a connection between us and Mars.
And I think there is possibly a very direct connection and I really believe that if we really study what happened to Mars and find our link to Mars, that we can see what's happening here on Earth and hopefully avoid what happened to Mars.
Well, I think that's what they were thinking.
That if we can figure out what happened to Mars, we can perhaps forecast or begin to understand what might happen to us.
Sure.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's the idea.
All right, sir.
Keep up the good work.
Thank you very much.
Sure.
That's why, when they had a scientist on, it stopped me cold.
He said, almost theological.
Well, almost theological indeed.
If there's anything, if there is some relic, if it is spotted by the probe that we just landed, fair to call it a probe, right?
If they verify that there were large amounts of water on Mars, rivers of water, then they're well on their way.
I mean, where there's air and where there's water, there's probably life.
So it becomes almost immediately theological, or nearly so.
First time caller on the line, you're on the air.
Hi.
Hey, how's it going?
It's going fine, sir.
Where are you?
Alright, I'm here in Colorado.
Okay.
Just wanted to talk a little bit about what's going on up here in the Rocky Mountains.
What's going on?
I was working freelance construction for one of my buddies.
We got a freelance to go out up in the Rockies and help dig what we were told were water trenches to lay water pipes.
Yes.
Of course there's no neighborhoods or houses anywhere.
Right.
Excuse me, got a cold.
We dug for approximately six feet into the ground with the trenches.
Um, they went on for about two miles up the hill.
Yes.
And about four miles down this hill.
And why were you digging these trenches?
Well, we were told that they were going to place water pipes.
Water pipes.
Okay, and so you were digging trenches.
This was a good 120 miles from any house.
Okay.
Anyways, um, after digging, um, well, it appeared to be regular construction foremen that were sent out with us, and every once in a while, after like every couple of feet of digging, they would scan with this thing. They told us they were checking to
make sure there was nothing.
You know, we weren't going to dig up anything or do anything.
Now, why would they be... Most of the workers didn't speak English.
Why would they be worried about digging something up if they're like
a hundred or two hundred miles from the closest house? What they told all the workers is
they didn't want us to break a cord or a pipe that's already been laid.
Hmm, okay. They don't ask a lot of questions.
Okay. Anyways, um, we were digging for quite a while.
Eventually, the scanners that they were scanning with started making noises, so they jetted us out of there.
They told everybody, you know, job's done.
They paid us.
That day, we had actually been digging for about, maybe a half hour.
All right, wait, wait, slow up a second.
You and how many people were doing this digging?
I know in my group of diggers, I was in charge of six diggers.
Six?
In other words, us, I mean, they sent uh... to form a law and how many groups of diggers were
there that's what i didn't tell us but from uh... radio conversations are heard
later there were at least
six groups of six groupers are no particular uh... no kidding
and uh...
uh... they were all wrong when we're doing this how long ago
uh... this is what we last week
yeah and then suddenly they found something with the sensors
Well, I mean, they thought we were all pretty stupid employees.
I'm actually a pretty smart guy.
Bottom line is, they found something.
Actually, I think they were looking for something ahead of time.
Yes, and when they found something.
Right, and when they started scanning whatever they were looking for on their meters, they sent you away.
They eliminated everybody.
They paid us for that day and up to a week in pay.
And they said the whole project.
Now what kind of people were these?
They came to us as regular freelance foreman and construction workers and subcontractors.
And they told you you were digging for water pipes, for placement of water pipes.
Right, which was according to my experience.
How interesting.
Any idea what they were looking for?
Yes, I'll get to it.
Uh, where was I?
Sorry.
Well, you were about to tell me what they were looking for because we don't have a lot of time.
Sorry.
I'm not exactly sure what they were looking for.
But, um, I mean, they were really well financed and extreme high technology equipment.
And then they dress really poorly and really shoddy shoes and clothes and trucks, beat up trucks.
But like in a beat up truck, at least millions of dollars worth of computer equipment behind the seats of the truck.
No kidding.
Yeah.
Oh, these guys look like they're poor.
And I was like, are we going to get paid?
They're very generous with the money and very well financed.
Where were you roughly?
Best as you can describe, where were you?
Yes, I was subcontracted out of Denver.
Where were you digging?
Take a deep breath, hold on, take a deep breath, pause.
Where were you roughly?
The best as you can describe, where were you?
Yes, I had a subcontractor out of Denver.
Where were you digging?
Up in the Rocky Mountains, an area I wasn't exactly familiar with.
It's about four hours.
Four hours out of Denver.
Four hours out of Denver.
And a good 160, 200 miles away.
And that's as close as you can identify it?
Were you going north, south, east, west?
No.
The way they transported all the workers.
They said the only trucks they could rent were these huge moving buses.
They were like buses but with no windows.
No windows.
So you didn't know where you were going.
Right.
And they told us that that reason is because this is all they could afford.
Which I later assumed to be wrong, when I saw equipment such as, just everything they had.
Alright, and you spent how long digging, totally?
For about two weeks.
Two weeks, two weeks of digging, and then suddenly they find something and you're gone.
Anything else to this, as in what you think they might have been hunting for?
Well, what I found out later on from listening to radio transmission, which is how I found out that they had teams of diggers up there.
What the guys were scanning for was apparently something they lost.
I couldn't completely understand, but something they had at one time and then they lost.
They're really, really vague when they talk to each other about things.
So you don't know, but something they had and lost.
Something they did have before and they owned and they knew something about that's gone, and now if they don't find it, it's just really horrible to them.
I mean, no amount of money is going to stop them, you know what I'm saying?
Well, we later found out that they were government workers, and the way we found out... Well?
Are you there?
He just, uh... He just went away.
Or somebody made him go away.
That was an interesting story, wasn't it?
I wonder... I wonder what they were looking for.
Hmm.
I wonder why he was disconnected like that.
Interesting.
Wildcard Line, you're on the air.
Hi.
Hello?
Going once, going twice, gone.
East of the Rockies, you're on the air.
Hi.
Hey, how you doing?
I'm doing all right, sir.
All right.
Yeah, it was kind of interesting how he did get cut off, wasn't it?
Yes, yes.
Just a very critical moment there.
Yeah, right.
Anyway, I would rather have heard more of him than what I have to say, anyway.
Well, let's try you out since you're here.
Okay.
I'm up and just I think it's pretty neat about what is going on at Mars.
You know, I just don't understand why it seems like so many people are afraid if they do find that there's life or whatever.
You know, I think so many people think that's going to... It won't bother you a bit, huh?
Well, I mean, I think people are so worried about, like, you know, whatever religious risk it's going to cause.
But I mean, you know, I mean, that's just, you know, for people to limit, like, whatever is... Well, are you a religious person?
No, not really.
You're not.
Well, that's probably why, that's why it won't bother you.
Right, exactly.
But I'm just saying, I mean, you know, whatever, I mean, you know, people, whatever their God is, is supposed to be, you know, so all-powerful, I would think that would encompass, like, you know, infinity and the whole universe, instead of like, you know, Just pinpoint it down to here and being so protective of it, you know?
That would be my point of view.
I would not be morally, religiously, faith-challenged if I heard there was life on Mars, but I... But!
But, but, but, but!
Now, there is a big but here.
I'm going to tell you, just as I've told many others, I get thousands, probably hundreds of thousands of emails And there are a lot of people, I can assure you, that would be very disturbed if it turns out there was life on Mars.
Right.
Really, they'd be very disturbed.
Yeah, it seems, like I said, it seems like they're limiting themselves that way, that's all.
Well, but that's just the way they are.
They're very fundamentalist.
They believe that they're Earth-centric and human-centric and there can't be life anywhere else.
We're special.
We're the only ones.
And you know who put us there?
And didn't mention anything about putting anybody else anywhere else.
Hey, the other night when you were doing the predictions, I like got through and got cut off.
Nah, won't work.
They're already locked up and sealed.
But if you want to mention what you would have said, you're welcome to.
I simply cannot record it officially.
I know.
Alright, alright.
Real quick then, what would you... You know, I think unfortunately though, we're going to lose Fidel this year.
Um, unfortunately?
Are you going to miss Fidel if he exits left?
Oh, not personally.
I don't want to see anybody have to go, but I think it's going to happen.
Well, if he goes, he'll definitely exit left.
All right, sir.
Well, thank you.
Take care.
Unfortunately, we're going to lose Fidel.
All right, when we come back, We'll turn to the lighter side tonight, I think, for a while with a man named Leland Gregory.
And some of the funniest stuff, and I mean some of the funniest stuff in the world, comes from real life.
I don't know, because that's how life is.
It really has its funny moments.
And he captures that as his business and records it on videotapes and books, on CDs.
Coming up after the break, Leland Gregory from the High Desert.
I'm Art Bell.
The first time caller line is area code 775-727-1222.
The first time caller line is area code 775-727-1222.
To talk with Art Bell from East of the Rockies, call toll free at 800-825-5033.
From West of the Rockies, call Art at 800-618-8255.
International callers may reach Art Bell by calling your in-country Sprint Access number, pressing Option 5 and dialing toll-free 800-893-0903.
From coast to coast and worldwide on the Internet, this is Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell.
Appropriate bumper music.
Not all of us play with a full deck all the time.
Some of us?
Well, we're a world of different people, as you're about to find out.
Leland Gregory is a former writer for Saturday Night Live, the co-author of America's Dumbest Criminals, as well as seven other books, including Great Government Goofs, Presumed Innocents, Presidential Indiscretions, What's the Number for 911?
What's the number for 9-1-1 again?
And the national bestseller, of course, the Stupid Crook book.
His latest book, Hey Idiot!, was released in October of 2003.
Leland has recently produced a one-hour home video entitled Stupid Crooks Caught on Tape.
And, believe me, the name says it all.
There's Stupid Crooks and they're caught on tape.
It's real criminals, real video, and really stupid.
Leland has also compiled two audio CDs of Stupid 9-1-1 Phone Calls, Wacky 9-1-1, Wacky 9-1-1 Again.
In addition, he co-wrote the feature film, Ernest and the Great Pizza Race.
That's part of a three-picture deal with Disney, and optioned the Ian McTeagle screenplay to Touchtone Pictures.
And we'll have audio for you tonight.
some of the very best from leela coming a very briefly and quickly from linda taylor with reference
to the man who got cut off was very interesting call you start about digging
Lynn is in Denver, and says, Hi Mr. Bell, I grew up close to where the guy was digging for the pipes.
I believe he's talking about the area around Center Ridge, south of Glenwood Springs, about 75 miles in the middle of the mountain range, we call.
of the flat tops.
Now, I have no way of knowing... West of Delta, it says.
I have no way of knowing if that would be accurate at all, but I thought I would pass it along.
Now, Leland Gregory.
Leland, welcome back to the program.
Well, thanks, Art.
It's been a long time.
How you doing?
It has been a long time, hasn't it?
Well, too long.
That's right.
So, it's great to have you back.
Leland, a lot of the audience will not have heard our first program together.
No question about it.
So, we'll get to some of the material we did on that show a little later in this particular show.
Tell people essentially what you do and why you began doing it.
Well, basically I collect stupid things.
Mainly stupid stories, stupid video, and stupid audio of our human race gone bad.
Basically, I scuba dive in the shallow end of the gene pool.
Yes, you do.
Why do you do that?
What set you on this course?
I just want money.
Actually, I came about finding this particular genre completely by accident.
I was sitting around a coffee table with some friends, whining about how talented we were, but at the same time how incredibly broke we were.
So we came up with a few ideas for TV shows, since we were all TV writers.
One of the ideas was a show called America's Dumbest Criminals.
We put out a home video, which did terribly, but a local publisher said, hey, you know, the kind of the Field of Dreams thing, if you write it, I will publish it.
So we wrote it and he published it.
Before it hit the stands, I moved to Chicago to train at Second City, which was always a dream of mine.
And while I was there, I met a man in my class Who also turned out to be a writer for the Associated Press.
And he said, hey, why don't I write a story about your book?
And I went, OK, that sounds good.
You know, not knowing what that meant.
And he wrote the story.
And three weeks later, the book was on the New York Times bestseller list and stayed there for 17 weeks.
And I thought, hey, I think I found a new job.
There's gold in this city.
And that was 95.
And that was 95 and I've been putting out pretty much a book a year since then.
Like you mentioned I have two audio CDs and now a one hour home video called Stupid Crooks
Caught on Tape.
So thank God stupid people breathe or I'd be out of a job there, Art.
Well, uh, true enough.
And so you, you wallow in the shallow end of the gene pool.
That's me.
You like that.
Well, you know, with all the computer stuff I get, you know, if you have a computer, you get it.
Well, I don't know.
I get more messages than most people, but I get thousands of them.
Nevertheless, uh, when the Darwin Awards come out, when all the stupid lists come out, whenever there's a stupid criminal story, and they're pretty wild on the web.
I stop and I read.
And so, why do you think, and surely you've had time to reflect on this, why do you think people really love this stuff?
And I'm no different, I do too.
Why is it so cool?
I refer to it as the banana peel syndrome.
We as human beings are always so rigid and tight and trying to be proper and Try to do the right thing, but you see someone slip on a banana peel, and you laugh.
And that's what this is.
Someone does something stupid, and you go, I'm glad that wasn't me.
That's the thinnest degree of separation.
Basically, I'm sure you've dealt in your past, it's the only thing that really connects us together as human beings.
It transgresses socio-political, economic, geographic, ethnic boundaries.
I mean, everybody has the ability to do something stupid.
The people I report on just happen to have done it very well.
Well, I was going to say, religion connects us all, but not in the same way.
Not in the same way, right.
You're right.
I suppose even Al-Qaeda probably at times laughed at each other.
Yeah, he didn't mean to blow himself up.
Oh, that was so stupid!
No, but it is common.
It goes back through time.
I'm sure when we crawled out of the primordial sludge, somebody stepped on somebody's fin.
Also, we're in the age now, well actually we're past the age.
There are video cameras Literally everywhere.
Yeah.
Just about everywhere.
I mean, they've got security cameras up, and so the opportunity to catch more of this than we used to be able to catch is greater, isn't it?
Sure.
And the global communications system that we have now, I mean, you can read a story about some guy in Caracas, Venezuela.
Yes.
Which, you know, 20, 30 years ago, you never would have known or heard about.
It wouldn't have been publicized.
But now, It is.
And, you know, I had one guy in Caracas, Venezuela, who made a bet with his next-door neighbor that he could hypnotize a jaguar.
Oh?
And he lost that bet.
And what else?
Look at part of his left arm.
So that's the example.
I mean, the book, my newest book, Hey Idiot, I don't keep it, you know, within the boundaries of the United States because there's no really need to do that.
We don't really own We haven't cornered the market on stupidity.
No, and I suppose broadcast provides, whether it's television or radio, it also provides a fertile field for combing for the stupid, huh?
Oh, yeah.
And now, of course, you know, like with the Advent of the Fox Network, there's so many shows about people doing stupid things.
It's commonplace.
I mean, the news usually, a lot of times, will wrap up their Broadcast with a light segment, which is usually a video footage of someone, you know, dropping a safe on their foot.
Mm-hmm.
You know, and so it's everywhere.
I think people are going, you know, is this a trend or is this a pandemic or something?
But it's not.
Well, all right.
Let us give them the beginning of a demonstration of what you collect.
Okay.
First, are we going to go to the audio?
The first one took place at a call-in show in Australia, and the guy is talking about his favorite rock and roll group, ACDC, and it's a promotional giveaway to win a motorcycle if you can do one simple thing.
You ready for it?
I'm ready.
We're going to give that away.
We're going to draw that on the 17th of March.
But if you heard it, give us a buzz.
Let's get eight callers in, shall we?
Okay, hello, Triple M. Yes, hi.
Hello, what's your name?
Mark.
G'day, Mark, how you doing?
Not too bad.
Mark, where are you from?
Greenacre.
Greenacre?
Such a little joke there, Mark.
Yes, I know.
How you going?
Not too foul.
Now listen, Mark, are you an ACDC fan?
Yeah.
Do you have a motorcycle license?
No, but I'll get one if I win it.
OK.
I'm gonna win it.
You're gonna win it, mate.
You're gonna win it.
I like that confidence.
Well, OK, we've got to ask you a question, mate, before we can put you in the barrel.
Yeah.
OK.
Spell A-C-D-C.
A-D... Can you believe this?
A-C.
I'm gonna ask you again.
Hang on.
How do you spell ACDC?
A D A C Mark, one more time, how do you spell ACDC?
I'll tell you in a minute.
Mark, just...
Mark, Mark, Mark, yeah?
Yeah, say ACDC.
How do you spell ACDC?
How do you spell A A A D D C?
A A D A A Oh, I'm getting this all wrong.
You are, Mark.
You are.
You're getting it seriously wrong, Mark.
If you've just tuned in, Mark is from Greenacre.
Mark!
We're going to give him a copy of ACDC's new album, Skip Upper Left, if he can spell A, C, D, C. Mark, just spell A, C, D, C. A, D, D, C. Are you an idiot?
It's A, C, D, C. A, C, A, C, D, C. A, C, D, C.
A-C-D-C!
AC... look, just a second. ACDC. Just say that.
A C D C Yes!
Mark, it wasn't that hard.
Okay Mark, not only that, we're gonna give you a copy of your favourite ACDC album.
Do you have a favourite copy?
Anything ADDC is good.
I'll get a right one of these, Mark.
OK, how about we give you a copy of Back in Black, which is fantastic.
Oh, yeah.
We'll play you an ACDC track.
All right, mate?
Hey, cool.
OK, now, Mark, you're in the draw for the Harley-Davidson 883 Sportster.
It's all thanks to, uh, AT&T's new album, Step Up a Lip, and Fraser Motorcycles.
We'll draw that on Friday, March 17th.
Mark, good luck!
Oh!
Fun with dyslexia.
Oh, God.
Um, that's, uh, that's really, that's, that's, uh, there aren't words for that.
No, it's, it's, uh, I couldn't figure that one out.
You know what's really sad?
I know people like that.
Yeah, I'm actually related to a few of them.
Really, too.
I mean, no matter what, I mean, God, how could they?
Yeah, it's like spelled A-C-D-C.
It's not like it's a word.
I'll tell you this, I don't know whether those were morning guys or not, but probably were.
They sounded like a bunch of morning guys in Australia, but American morning guys, they would not have been that No, they would have definitely torn it up.
No question about it.
But that's the kind of people that I research and do.
Now how do you get something like that?
Does somebody in Australia write you?
Somebody in Australia sent us that one.
Really?
Yeah, I mean we've got Bing on your show and all the other shows.
I've got a pretty good reach now and I'm fairly well known as the Go-to guy in stupidity, which I'm very proud of.
Now, there's money in stupidity for you.
How about people who come up with clips like that?
I mean, when they give one to you, how do you proceed?
Do they make any money out of it?
Usually they just give it to me because they can't believe it happened either.
I've never said no when it comes to paying somebody for something, but no one's really asked me to.
Tons of 9-1-1 operators who were just great and not only gave me free stories and saying, hey, this was my favorite story, but they would also say, hey, I've got audio and share it with the world.
Let them know what we're up against.
How does that work legally?
In other words, take a 9-1-1 tape, for example, if it's a good one.
Is it public domain?
It is.
It's public domain and they're all available through the Freedom of Information Act.
I'll be darned.
But the only thing is, the hardest thing of course, is to obtain them.
You have to say what 911 center it came into and exactly what time it came in.
Well, I was a 911 operator for Monterey County for about a year.
I can tell you that I don't think there would be a 9-1-1 operator who would not tell you they've got not just one, but probably a whole bunch of calls.
And all you've got to do is note the time and save them and get them taken off the big tape.
And so yeah, I'll bet 9-1-1 operators all over America Could point you toward good stuff.
Yeah.
Now, one thing I did find is that I thought, I thought exactly that.
I thought, oh, you know, I'll call these operators.
You know, I didn't call them individually.
I didn't go, oh, you know, what, what, what?
I, uh, you know, went through their, uh, their captains or the communication center or their, uh, association and things like that.
Um, but a lot of the times I would, what happened is the operator, I would, when I would actually speak to a dispatcher, they would say, you know, I get so many stupid calls.
I really can't remember.
You know, because according to the National Association for... I forgot the title for them, but they're the main association for 911 communications operators.
It's between 65 and 70 percent of all the calls that come in are frivolous or non-emergency phone calls.
Well, that's worth thinking about all by itself, isn't it?
Yeah, it's pretty frightening because, you know, the 911 operators... One of the problems I had to begin with was...
When I would contact the 911 centers, they were very reluctant to help me at all, because they've been beaten by the media so often by, you know, they're not responsive, 911 is stupid, and, you know, it took 12 minutes to get a, you know, an ambulance to my house.
They're so used to that kind of negative media, until they realize, hey, you know, I'm on your side, and I just want to hear stories about stupid people.
And what they told me, when they told me that statistic, It's like, well, no wonder the 9-1-1 system is clogged and slow.
You've got people that call.
I had a 14-year-old boy call.
He was complaining that there was stuff coming out of his stomach.
So they sent paramedics out with anti-evisceration uniforms, you know, the face shields and the gloves and all that.
They thought his guts were... Yeah, and he had belly button lint.
What?
He called because he had bellybutton lint, and it scared him, and he called 9-1-1.
Yeah, that's the kind of calls that get.
More than the guy who has his hand stuck in the garbage disposal.
Bellybutton lint.
Bellybutton lint, yeah.
I've never been there before.
It scared me.
But seriously, and that's not even a bizarre example.
That's just kind of a one that I pulled out of the top of my head.
I've had him call I had a lady call because they wanted the paramedics to come and help her flip her mattress.
No.
I had one, an actual call, and this is a good transition.
The next piece of audio that we have is a prime example of some of the calls that 911 operators get.
This lady wanted help with a minor appliance.
A minor one.
How long is this?
Probably two or three minutes.
I'm going to take a break.
Yeah, we better hold it for the break.
We may be right up on it or within three minutes at least.
Like, you know, the big car wrecks.
There's a man in my house with a gun.
Those calls come in so much less frequently than the ones I had a guy call and the operator said, 911, what's your emergency?
And he said, you got to help me.
My wife's having a baby and her contractions are coming two minutes apart.
The operator said, calm down, sir, tell me, is this her first child?
And he said, no, you idiot, this is her husband!
So, I had another guy call it.
The operator said, 911, what's your emergency?
He said, you gotta help me, I've been shot, I've been shot.
The operator said, I'm sorry, you said you were shot?
He said, yeah, I've been shot, I've been shot.
She said, how many times were you shot?
He said, oh, this is the first time.
All right.
We will, in a moment, get to some of this audio for you.
I did work 9-1-1 for about a year.
But gee, you know, maybe it's that you don't actually remember the dumb ones, because there were so many.
I guess you could be right about that.
I remember a lot of serious ones.
I'm Art Bell, and we'll be right back.
It stands beside the river where you were to meet me.
On the ground your glove I found with a note addressed to me.
It read, dear love, I've done you wrong, now I must set you free.
No longer can I live without you.
I'm Art Bell, and we'll be right back.
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pressing option 5, and dialing toll free, 800-893-0903. From coast to coast, and worldwide
on the Internet, call Art Bell at 800-825-5033. This is Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell.
Can you imagine being a paramedic of some sort, an emergency paramedic, rushing to somebody's
house, and you're not going To save their insides, which have reportedly been falling out, and finding out when you got there that it was a guy with belly button lint.
Encountering his own belly button lint for the first time in his life.
McCall's 911.
Hmm. Ha ha ha.
Good morning.
We've got a lot of good news to celebrate.
Leland Gregory is here, who will help us in a moment.
But we are now, indeed, beginning to get the first pictures back from the rover.
It's the Spirit.
It's already sending back photographs.
So it looks like we're really in business.
And now, for a time, they're going to be calibrating the cameras.
But, ladies and gentlemen, we're on Mars.
This is very exciting.
And these are stereo cameras.
That are going to give us incredible pictures of the surface area that they've landed in on Mars.
So it's going to be a very exciting time.
Good for us.
Leland, welcome back.
Well, thank you, Arne.
That's so cool.
My son is six and a half years old and just started really getting interested in this space and the planets.
In fact, we're working on a book together called The Planets Party.
And so he was just really excited to hear that we landed on Mars today.
It's going to be a good period of time.
He'll be seeing new photographs of Mars now every day.
It should be very exciting.
So great.
Anyway, let us proceed now with the audio that we were going to do.
Set it up.
We're about to hear what?
Yeah, this is an actual 911 call from a typical kind of call.
You know, we talked about the guy who asked for help with belly button lint.
And I said, you know, they asked to flip mattresses.
They called to say, where can I throw away my Christmas tree?
I had one lady call.
I think I left my coffee pot on.
Could you go back and check?
And this is the type of call.
This is from a woman.
Actual 911 call.
Uh, to a 911 dispatcher asking for help with a minor appliance.
Here we go.
Hi ma'am, can I help you?
Yes, um, would you tell me how to put batteries in my little fan here?
It says I have a double A battery, and on here it says, um, one double A plus, and on the bottom it says plus double A one.
Okay.
How do I, how do I do that?
Can you open it up where the batteries go in?
Yes.
Okay, is there any directions as far as which one, because do you see where the plus is?
I see where it's a little round wire.
Okay, are you having trouble putting them in the right way?
Yes, I am.
I don't know how to put them in.
Okay, well why don't you try putting them in, make sure that the, see the part where the bump is?
Right.
That should be where it says plus.
Yeah, so wherever it says plus, that should be where the bump is.
Okay, and the top one says one double A plus.
Okay, does it take one or two batteries?
Two.
Two batteries?
Yes, and the one at the bottom says plus double A one.
And the battery has a plus on it, and the other battery has a plus on it.
The plus is referring to the side of the battery, like the top part where the bump is.
I see.
Would it mean the same way?
Would it mean exactly the same way?
If not, does it work?
Take them out and switch them around and see if that works.
Okay.
All right.
Thank you, ma'am.
Oh, you're so welcome.
God bless you.
Okay, God bless you too.
Okay, bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
You know, the funny part is, this lady, the operator, didn't even miss a beat.
I could not have held myself together.
Well, and I think that goes, and I know this particular dispatcher, she's a very nice lady, and I think the thing is, she's so used to getting calls from, you know, non-emergency calls, from slightly addled people who think 911 is kind of like the trivia pursuit of phone calls.
I wonder, and I should know the answer to this question, but I actually don't, even having worked there, I wonder how they handle persistently, I mean, I can remember there were people who would call up in the middle of the night Just to talk, to have company.
Right.
And that's really awful, and I don't remember how we... I think we just sort of nurse those people along.
Yeah, and I've heard several of them.
They'll start saying, well, hey Cheryl, how you doing?
You know, you can't keep calling, sweetie.
You know, they're very kind, because they know the person is usually old, addled, or lonely.
Well... And they're not trying to be mean.
A lot of patience is going to have to go with that job description.
Well, yeah, I mean, it's probably you need, you know, psychological training.
You have to have the patience of a saint.
I mean, why would you do a job like that if you're a mean person anyway?
When you do a job like that, usually you need psychological help.
I wasn't going to go there, Art, but since you were former 9-1-1 dispatcher, I can do that.
That's right.
Well, let me tell you the truth about the real, kind of serious truth, Leland, about 9-1-1.
I did it for a year, and I left because it was too much, Leland.
I'm really serious about that.
You know, you're hearing the wider side of it here tonight, but I can assure you there were lots of life and death situations that did happen.
Children, that kind of thing.
I'm the kind of person who took that stuff home with me at night, and after a year I said, you know what?
I won't live long if I do this, because I can't shake it off.
I just can't give it up.
A good 911 operator has to become somewhat immune to the serious side of life.
Yeah, and I'm not sure exactly how they do that.
I've listened to some of the calls that you're talking about.
It's something that I would never publish, because they're They're not funny.
They're not funny.
There's absolutely nothing funny about it.
But I mean, that's really a tough job.
Nevertheless, what we are doing tonight is a funny part of it, thank goodness, and so what's coming up?
Well, the next one is again an actual 9-1-1 phone call from a very distraught gentleman, and I found out that he is actually seeing these insects.
He's not dreaming them up, and if there's someone that claims that this Animals, not an insect.
Forgive me, I'm not an entomologist.
Anyway, so he calls 9-1-1 with a question about all the things he sees floating in the air.
Really?
Okay, let's take a listen.
Okay.
Mostly, you people are a bunch of bullsh**.
But if you'd like to do something that's really worthwhile, get on to the TV news stations at 6 o'clock and let the public know where in the hell all these butterflies came from today.
Is that clear enough?
Butterflies?
Yes.
Where did they come from?
Where did they come from?
You have a problem that police officers can help you with, sir?
What's that?
You have a problem that police officers can help you with?
Yeah, well, no.
I just want to know where all, and so does everybody else, where did all the butterflies come from today?
Do you know little butterflies that fly through the air?
I have no idea, sir.
Well, get on TV news, people, and tell them.
They're supposed to know.
But try and get into a news station.
You can't do it.
You can't do it.
Goodbye.
Doesn't that make you just want to rush right down and apply for a job as a 9-1-1 operator?
It does, doesn't it?
Because, you know, they treat them so well.
Every 9-1-1 center I've seen is usually in the basement with no windows, concrete walls.
Have you ever tried to have a talk with somebody who's been enjoying the spirits for the entire evening?
He's probably between blackout and consciousness somewhere when he makes a call like that.
It's part of the job description.
You're going to talk to people who are, let's face it folks, skunked.
Yeah, exactly.
That's a good word to describe that.
That starts with an F. I would have used another one.
But that's why you're there and I'm here.
But yeah, I mean, I can't even talk to people.
And I used to do that a lot.
I used to drink a lot.
So I've been those people.
I've never made 911 calls.
But I mean, I know the type of person, how people talk.
You know, and everything is so important.
You won't believe it.
You can't understand it.
It does tend to bring out the confrontational side of a lot of people.
Very confrontational indeed.
Too bad you didn't have audio on that belly button.
I mean, that's incredible.
To have been there when the medics came rushing in.
Uh, that would have been worth quite a bit.
Yeah.
Anyway, I'm stuck on that for some reason.
It's interesting.
It's something that you wouldn't think, especially because, I can imagine, the boy had left the door open for the paramedics to come in.
He was lying flat on his back on the couch, not moving.
Paralyzed.
Here come the paramedics in their gloves.
suits and all that, I'm sure they looked like somebody had an E.T. and they did a full examination
and then they finally asked it.
You know, you said, where is it?
Where is the problem?
They said, right here.
And it was, you know, a belly button.
All right, onward.
The next call is a very interesting question that a mother proposes to the 911 operator,
not being familiar with the laws of the community, she wanted to make sure what her son was suggesting
was legal.
I see.
All right, here we go.
9-1-1.
Dispatch?
Oh, um, are you an officer?
I'm a dispatcher.
Oh, how are you tonight?
I'm fine.
Good.
Don't laugh at me if I ask you a question.
Okay.
Um, this is kind of stupid.
But my friend wants to know, Yes.
If she could take one of the homeless men off the street and live with him, would it be against the law?
If it would be against the law?
Uh-huh.
No, it's not.
If they had sex, would it be against the law?
No.
It wouldn't?
Uh-uh.
Not if they both agree.
Oh, that's great!
Bye.
What a great what a great mom.
Um...
Bye.
Do you think that was a prank?
No, I don't think that was a prank, unfortunately.
She sounded a little too sincere.
A lot of times you can hear it in the voice.
But right at the end I heard, well maybe it was, God help us.
It's frightening.
Yeah, it is.
And it's such a bizarre question, you kind of think, well, usually those print colors aren't so clever.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, she sounded... But that's such an interesting and unique question that it's probably... Mom was probably hitting the sauce and... I guess.
Incredible.
You never can tell.
Yeah, you never can tell is right.
All right.
Well, the next one's not actually a 911 call, but it is a police traffic stop.
And you were mentioning about people who have had a little too much to drink.
Yes.
This man was pulled over for drunk driving and was answering some routine questions, and I thought he gave such a clever answer to one of the questions.
I thought your audience would like to hear it.
Here we go.
Man, I didn't do nothing wrong.
You got your truck stuck out here in the field.
You're out here driving a truck and you're drunk.
All right, I'm going to ask you to take a couple of tests for me.
Stand back here.
I can't.
You can't?
Why not?
Whoa.
What are you doing?
I'm drunk, man.
You're drunk?
What's your level of education?
I got 20 years of education.
I graduated 10th grade twice.
Okay.
You graduated 10th grade twice.
Yeah.
So you got 20 years of education.
Yeah.
I'm drunker than a skunk.
I graduated this grade twice.
Was that the police officer that taped this?
Yeah, now with all the lawsuits and all that, of course you know that all police officers have to have dash cams.
Yeah, that's right.
And the officers are now mics.
So that if there's any problem when they go to court, they can say, well, let's look at the videotape, and you'll see that you're guilty.
And this guy, of course, was obviously guilty.
All right, so now in America, most cops are either taped, or taped one way or the other, huh?
Right, yeah.
Simply because there's been, you know, they'll say, hey, the cop abused me.
And then it's just their word against the police officers, but now they'll have audio and video and say, hey, You know, why waste the court's time, roll the footage, the guy's fallen down, he's obviously drunk.
But see, there is an example of an entirely different kind of drunk.
That kind of drunk you laugh at, I mean, they're actually funny, and they're harmless, and they're funny.
I don't suppose there's anything funny about over-utilizing the spirits, but yeah, there are some people who get drunk that-a-way, and that is funny.
Yeah, you gotta give the guy credit.
I do, actually.
I'm sure the police officers have heard so much You know, like you said, they get confrontational.
It's like, we don't know anything, blah, blah, blah.
And this guy's just, you know, hey, I'm drunk and... In fact, I'll do that one again.
Hold on.
Man, I didn't do nothing wrong.
Guess there's trucks stuck out here in the field.
You're out here driving a truck and you're drunk.
All right, I'm gonna ask you to take a couple tests for me.
Stand back here.
I can't.
You can't?
Why not?
Well, for one reason, I'm drunk, man.
You're drunk?
What's your level of education?
I've got 20 years of education.
I graduated 10th grade twice.
Okay.
You graduated 10th grade twice.
Yeah.
And so you've got 20 years of education.
Yeah.
I'm drunker than a skunk.
And you hear the cop laughing.
It's like, you know, I know you're drunk.
The guy's obviously drunk.
He's a danger to the community.
But he's funny.
Give him a break.
He made me laugh.
I wonder what happened to the guy.
I'm sure they took him to jail.
And I'm sure he amused his sailmates.
He was out in the middle of a field, he said?
Yeah, apparently he had been so drunk that he drove his car out into the middle of a field.
I see.
And then that's how he got pulled over.
The guy was obviously, I mean, he even said, I'm drunker than a skunk.
Oh, yeah.
You know, so he was.
But anyway, he got taken off the road, but didn't give the cop any trouble.
By percentage, how many of these clips come from people who are under the influence, in your best estimation, of Something.
Oh, a lot.
I would say around 80%, especially the traffic stops.
80%?
Yeah, this is just an estimate of my humble opinion, but I've seen a lot of the dash cam footage.
And a lot of times, you know, one of the only reasons you would pull someone over, of course, is if they were driving erratically or they had an expired tag.
I had one guy, I have the audio for it, but I didn't send it to you because it's basically him screaming, but he was pulled over.
And, uh, for a routine traffic stop, the police said, um, hey, there's been a lot of problems in the area.
Do you mind if we, uh, look in your trunk?
And, of course, the guy could have said no.
You know, they didn't have probable cause.
Right.
And the cops would have said, okay, move on.
He said, sure, go ahead.
So he gave them the keys, they opened the car, opened the trunk.
Fifteen pounds of marijuana.
Fifteen pounds?
Fifteen pounds.
So they put him in the back seat of the patrol car.
And, of course, the patrol car is mic'd.
And he starts thinking about what he did, and it's just five minutes of him screaming and... Actually, actually, Leland, you know what?
You did send that.
Oh, did I?
Yeah, that was one of the funniest things I ever heard.
I seem to recall he was screaming something that wasn't particularly arable.
Every now and then, but usually it was a plea to a higher power.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
How could I have done it?
Exactly.
It was half crying, right?
Yeah.
Oh, my God, no, no, no!
I remember that one.
He was trying to wake himself up from a bad dream, and the cop comes back over and says, are you saying anything to me?
And he goes, no, I'm just freaking out.
Yeah, exactly.
All right.
I guess it's not in with the grief.
Maybe a year ago, but he did say a lot of things that we probably couldn't air.
Leland Gregory is my guest.
stupid stuff is what we're covering this night as the pictures come sailing in
from mars I'm
the I'm
the This year was all about drama.
you Be it sight, sound, smell, or touch, there's something inside that we need so much.
The sight of a touch, or the scent of a sound, or the strength of an earthquake leaves deep in the ground.
The wonder of flowers to be covered and then to burst up through tarmac into the sun again.
Or to fly to the sun without burning a wing?
To lie in a meadow and hear the grass sing?
To have all these things in our memory store?
And they use them to help us to fight Ride, ride as you soar
Take this place, on this trip You're gonna be
Oh Wanna take a ride?
To talk with Art Bell, call the wildcard line at area code 775-727-1295.
call the wildcard line at area code 775-727-1295.
The first time caller line is area code 775-727-1222.
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We, as in the U.S., as in us, the United States, we're having a very good day.
It's, uh, it's on the moon, folks.
Coast to Coast and worldwide on the Internet.
This is Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell.
Top of the morning.
We, as in the U.S., as in us, the United States, we're having a very good day.
It's on the moon, folks.
Rover is on the moon taking photographs.
We have, assuming everything goes well, more than enough.
Months of high-resolution pictures of Mars to look forward to.
So we're celebrating that with Leland Gregory.
And I found something.
Did you hear Leland talking just before the break about something he had not sent me tonight?
But that was awfully funny.
Well, he's right about that.
It is a riot.
There's this guy who gets busted for having, I don't know, like six pounds of dope marijuana in his trunk.
And he's drunk on top of that, I guess, and the cops stop him, ask him if they can look in the trunk, and, like an idiot, he says, yeah.
And then, and then they leave him alone, and what ensues is one of the funniest things you're ever gonna hear.
I mean, I kept all of the things that Leland sent to me, even if we didn't air it.
Well, tell you what, in a moment, we'll air it.
What I'm about to play, before even asking Leland, can put you on the floor, so be careful.
I mean, it's really funny.
This is really funny.
Six pounds of pot, of course, is a great deal of pot.
And what you're about to hear is this guy in the back of the police car, after he realizes the magnitude of what he had just done in telling the cops, no, go ahead and open the trunk.
It sort of dawns on him A little late, but believe me, it definitely dawns.
I guess the mic is in the patrol car.
Here you go.
Sir, I hate to inform you that you're under arrest for possession of a large quantity of marijuana while I was down in the trunk.
I'll need you to wait in the SWAT car while we search the rest of your vehicle.
Oh, I can't believe it!
Oh, no!
No!
God, I can't believe it!
Oh my god!
Woo!
Oh my god!
Help me, God!
Help me!
Help me, dad!
Help me!
Oh my god!
Oh Oh!
Oh!
No!
Please!
No!
Please!
No!
No!
Please!
God Almighty!
No!
Please!
Please!
No!
No!
Oh God!
Help me!
Help me!
Do you sense regret here?
Oh God!
What was that?
and what not you do that and it's your life and i want to talk
uh... i thought that would be a good it's a little bit of a it's a little
bizarre uh... well and yet you know
Understandable.
I mean, it's actually understandable when you realize not only how stupid you just were, but what the big right-hand turn your life just took.
And a little regret there?
Yeah, maybe.
A little bit, yeah.
See, so as you can see, I saved the CBS.
You are an amazing guy.
That was great, because I sent that to you a while ago.
Oh, months and months and months and months ago, yeah.
That was Funny.
That really was funny.
All right, well, let's get back to one that you sent me.
Okay.
Where are we here?
Okay, the next one, it's track six.
This took place in Maine, and it's a police stop, and you had mentioned sometimes how they get very irate.
Well, this guy gets very irate.
It's heavily censored.
Oh, is it?
Oh, yeah.
All right, number six.
Can I explain it to you, sir, so you'll know what you need to do?
I know what I do!
You're ripping me off, and I didn't deserve it, because I didn't do nothing wrong!
You're probably setting that pipe while I drive right back forth to get someone in the 40 miles of whatever friggin' it is.
I never saw the sign.
I saw it 55, and I was doing 57.
That's all I know.
Now, just give me the f*** day I'm taking.
I'll look at the date.
If I'm working, I'll pay the f***ing fine, because I can't afford to take a day off.
And if I'm not working, I'll please not guilty, because I know f***ing well I'm not guilty!
Just give me the damn thing and let me get out of here.
I need you to do a sign of the act so I can explain this to you.
There ain't no explaining.
I got picked up for speeding before.
You're guilty and you paid the fine and hope your insurance don't go up and you try not to speed the next time.
That's what I've been trying to do for four or five years and it's worked damn good till I run into you, you asshole.
Green coffee's for your record, sir.
I don't... Alright.
Point copy needs to be mailed in within 20 days.
Okay.
Make sure you read the... I can't read and I've put this stuff away.
I get bills in the mail all the time and I don't even look at it.
Alright, just tell me what I do.
Lincoln Court?
No.
Where?
Read the instructions here.
This says you have 20 days to respond to this summons.
Read the back of this hard copy.
This will explain how you can have a trial if you want.
On the back, that'll explain it.
Attached is an envelope.
See?
Put a stamp on there, you mail that in.
They'll tell you what to do.
Well, I can afford the stamp.
The sign's right here, sir.
It's $137.50.
You are f***ing crazy!
Ah!
Ah!
I get it!
Ah!
F***ing crazy!
My wife took money out of her f***ing damn account where she's working to pay my f***ing insurance so I wouldn't get picked up by... You're f***ing crazy!
If you don't pick this up, sir, I'm going to summon you for littering.
I'll pick this up!
A hundred dollars!
Are you f***ing crazy?
I wasn't even speeding, you f***ing a**hole!
A hundred and some dollars!
Jesus f***ing A's right!
I've never heard of a fine like that in my life, you f***ing a**hole!
You f***ing a**hole!
Let me get the f*** out of your sight, you f***ing damn miserable f***er!
Jesus Christ!
I'm giving you a warning on the pay to produce insurance.
That's expired.
Didn't I give you another one?
No.
My wife told me it was expiring today.
She went and paid her cashier and only paid her half.
It's expired on the 10th.
I'll have to plead guilty if I got to work because I can't take the board and take the day off, you f***ing a**hole!
Now just give me the goddamn thing and let me get out of here.
I didn't do nothing wrong and I know I did.
Now let me get the fuck out of here.
I ain't in no hurry, but I did want to get some pills for my dog.
Bye!
The strangest thing in there, he said, I ain't in no hurry, but I did need to get some pills
You know, I heard that.
That cop was playing him all the way.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, playing him all the way.
He knew he had one on his hands and he just played that perfectly.
And it's so funny because the guy sounds like Cliff Clavin.
He knew he had a classic on his hands.
You could actually hear him playing it.
Well, that one is actually in Maine that is used in police training to show officers how to deal with an unruly person.
It's very funny, and that's a real one.
So, like I said, that was from a police dash cam.
Yeah, I'm sure.
That guy knew he had a classic.
I'm telling you, he was playing it.
Oh yeah, I believe you.
Anyway, alright, fine.
Let's plow forward.
Uh, the next one is a 9-1-1 call from a man who, uh, well, I don't know how to explain it.
He has itchy legs.
Itchy legs?
Yeah.
Itchy legs.
There you go.
Here we go.
Emergency.
Look, my legs itch so bad.
I think I'm going to go crazy.
Okay, your legs itch very bad?
I think I'm going to go crazy.
Okay, your legs itch very bad?
I think I'm going to go crazy.
Okay, your legs itch very bad?
I think I'm going to go crazy.
Okay, your legs itch very bad?
I think I'm going to go crazy.
Are you listening to me?
I sure am.
Alright now.
My legs are itching so bad.
Uh-huh.
They're driving me crazy.
Okay, would you like to speak with a paramedic?
I would like to speak to them, please.
Thank you.
Sure, let me transfer you.
Hold on, please.
Fire emergency?
Hello, is this the medics?
This is the fire department.
The fire department?
Uh-huh, what did you need?
Well, I have no fire.
I have no fire.
Okay, you need paramedics?
Excuse me?
Do you need paramedics?
Uh, I don't know whether I need paramedics.
I don't know.
What's the problem?
My legs.
My legs are itching something terrible.
It's been that way for two or three days now.
My breathing is fine.
It's just that my legs itch me something terrible.
Is there a rash on it?
A rash?
That's right.
I've been to the doctor and I have a rash on my legs.
Do you understand?
Uh-huh.
I'm not going crazy.
I have all my marbles.
Do you understand?
It's just my legs.
Is there any pain with that?
Any pain?
Just a very bad itch.
Okay, we'll be right there, okay?
Now look, I don't want to spend a lot of money on handling and things like that, because it is insult. My legs itch me
very bad.
That's fine, you can tell the paramedics when they get there, okay?
Okay, thank you.
Okay, bye-bye.
He doesn't want to spend a lot of money?
Well, I guess he doesn't realize that, you know, you get a free ride at the hospital if you have itchy legs.
Oh, incredible.
It's amazing, isn't it, Art?
Yes.
It makes me so glad that I'm not doing that anymore.
I mean, what you're hearing, this stuff really does come, folks.
I mean, it really does.
The actual number by percentage of people that are dysfunctional In one way or another, in America, is a little frightening.
Very.
It really is a little frightening.
And you get an imbalance when you work in a 9-1-1 system.
You really begin to think that even a greater, you know, like 80 percent may be in one way or another dysfunctional.
It just seems that way.
Because you get a lot of these kind of calls.
Exactly.
Okay.
Well, what's next?
Well, I just want to let people know that if they're Where they can get all this stuff before we go too further.
Yeah, actually, it's not just audio that you have.
You have books as well.
Yeah, books and videos.
So fire away.
They're all available, if you don't mind my plug.
Not at all.
At RealWacky.com.
R-E-A-L.
RealWacky.com.
You can get the audio CDs that you're hearing now, the video Stupid Crooks Caught on Tape, my new book, Hey Idiot, and lots of other stuff.
at RealWacky.com or you can call toll-free at 1-866-754-8273.
That's 1-866-754-TAPE.
Some of these are so funny.
five four eight two seven three that's one eight
seven five four some of these uh... some of these are so funny uh... i
remember the one absolutely killed me
I guess we'll play it later.
I think I know which one you're talking about.
I know that you do.
It's the gag one.
The guy's gagged and he's calling 9-1-1.
And that is, in my estimation, the single funniest 9-1-1 call ever made.
Now, it could be that there's better, but I haven't heard.
That one's pretty darn good.
We'll get to that, folks.
What have we got coming up?
Let's see.
Okay, speaking of itching.
This is another traffic stop and the man is arrested for public drunkenness and is being given a field sobriety test and a questionnaire, but he has a problem with a part of his body that's itching and keeps asking for help.
Here we go.
Under Florida law, you are required to take a chemical or physical breath test to determine the alcoholic content of your blood and or breath Hey, my nuts itch.
Can I scratch them real quick?
No, we're going to finish it.
Damn!
They itch!
Under Florida law, you are required to take a chemical or physical breath test to determine the alcoholic content of your blood and or a urine test to detect the presence of a chemical or controlled substance.
They itch!
I mean, scratch them one more time.
No, no, no, I don't... Do you understand?
If you refuse to take a chemical, a physical breath test, or the urine test, Your driving privileges will be suspended for one year for a first refusal.
They itch!
In 18 months, if you have previously refused these steps, additionally, your refusal is admitted into evidence against you in any criminal or administrative proceedings.
Do you understand?
This ain't funny!
Okay, I'm going to interpret this as a refusal.
No!
Are you willing to submit to testing?
Do you want to take the breath test, mister?
No.
Okay.
Sir, do you want to forego the other?
Yes, I do.
Do you stretch my nuts?
No, no, sir.
Due to your combat animations, we're not going to do the... Oh, stretch my nuts?
No, we're not going to do that.
Can I stretch my nuts?
Sir, at this time I'm going to conclude this video.
Just remain there for a second, please.
You gotta love it.
uh...
uh...
you got a lot of uh...
i guess you do uh...
uh... g and you know other than the fact that the one cop couldn't
keep us together uh... he he he he he sounded young he sounded new on the
job and like he was trying to do is write the law really was trying to argue
And it's true, it is funny, that one is on the video, Stupid Crooks caught on tape, so you get to see the young officer reading his little pamphlet Trying to keep a straight face.
Some people actually may have seen this on television.
I seem to recall having seen it.
It might have been.
I used it a lot for promoting the book, Hey Idiot, and my book, Stupid Crook Book.
So it could easily, you could have seen it there or before.
The guy is bearded and kind of looks like Charles Manson and he's dancing around trying to relieve his agony.
Well, you know, that's so stupid.
I mean, I've got to stop here for a second.
It's so bad, Leland.
That you would think the man in question, apparently he has no rights at all to that video.
In other words, that video is community property, in essence.
Is that what it boils down to?
Well, on videos like that, what happens is they get obtained by an archive company, like in England or Canada, and then you have to buy the licensing rights To re-broadcast.
I got that.
But I guess I'm asking, the guy himself has absolutely no recourse to stop himself from looking like a complete idiot.
I guess not.
I mean, because once he submits and says, you know, it's okay to videotape this, then he's kind of up in the air.
That's incredible.
All right.
Maybe one more before the bottom of the hour here.
Oh, okay.
You know what, let's skip the next one because I don't want to get into that.
Here's a real quick one on track 10.
Okay.
One of the stupid calls that we talked about of people that are asking for dumb things and this guy thinks that 9-1-1 is also, I guess, a clever fella calls a yeller.
Here it goes.
911 emergency.
Hello?
Hello?
Yeah.
I'm right here at the H4.
Uh-huh.
And I need a taxi cab.
I'm with the carnival.
Sir, this is the 911 emergency line.
Ma'am?
This is 911.
Um, but every time I call the operator or something, I can't get no operator.
Sir, this is an emergency phone line.
We can't call a taxi cab for you on this line.
Well, what did I need to the operator?
To the police department.
What's the number for the operator?
Well, incredible stuff, and we've got a whole night of it, and we are going to review some of the ones that we did in a show so long ago now.
It's been a long, long time.
Leland Gregory is my guest, and we're examining Human life is actually what we're doing.
Consider, in some ways, how really very serious that is.
as we're examining humanity.
Thank you for your attention.
Thank you.
Thank you.
We were too hard to think and sleep in.
We were too hot to be sleeping Yeah
Roll on, roll on, ride the line by the wind Roll on, down in a spin
I gave you love, I thought that we had made it to the top I gave you all I had to give, but didn't have to stop
You blow it all sky high by telling me a lie Without a reason why, you blow it all sky high
To talk with Art Bell, call the wildcard line at area code 775-727-1295.
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This is Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell.
It's a wondrous thing when you consider that, you know, this is the same gene pool, I don't
know, from where the NASA guys who just put a rover, a little robot down on Mars have
come from.
It is the same Gene Poole.
Hard to believe, huh?
Back to the wacky world of Leland Gregory, and it's worth bearing in mind everybody that that wacky world I described
is ours.
It's the world we live in.
So, I don't know.
As you listen to this, you can laugh and maybe you can cry.
There's both of those emotions that are produced by some of this, wouldn't you say, Loon?
I have had both experiences.
I mean, you are rolling over reams of this stuff.
Here we're just exposing people to a few hours of it, but you get to go through it all the time.
Doesn't that begin to chip away at your Um, sense of your fellow man.
Do you find yourself truly wondering if we could be the same people who just put a robot on Mars?
Yeah, it does make me wonder.
And then, of course, you know, my therapist says that it's very good for my self-esteem to keep doing what I'm doing.
Oh, so you go to a therapist?
Yes, and I have to sometimes.
But, yeah, sometimes I do.
And, you know, a lot of times I think I feel jaded because I've gone through so much.
But, you know, we all have a job.
Do you suppose that you ever get so jaded that you pass up something that is actually very funny to someone else?
Have you had that experience where you're sort of then going, I don't know about this one, and you sort of put it aside and somebody else thinks it's a riot?
Yeah, that has happened.
Well, just like the one you just aired, the guy Who was caught with all the marijuana in his trunk.
I didn't send that back to you because I thought, man, that's... I've heard it so many times, I don't know if it's funny or not.
No, it is.
Yeah, when I heard it again, and I heard you giggling.
In the sense, you know, in the sense of... I won't apologize for it.
You do enjoy hearing people, seeing people stub their toe.
That's exactly what it is, and I suppose it's inappropriate to laugh at such a thing.
However, that was a big one.
I mean, that was really a big one.
As you realize what you just did and oh, how life is going to change and where you're going and everything, I can actually understand the reaction.
I really can.
Alright, well anyway, onward.
What have we got here?
Okay, the next one is number 12, right?
Number 12.
I don't really know how to explain this one.
Other than it's an actual emergency.
It's not life or death.
It's kind of thumb or thumb in pain emergency.
But it kind of goes back to a question I've always had.
Why would anyone want to have, as a pet, a five foot python?
Oh.
And if you do think about, if you are thinking about getting a five foot python as a gift, Listen to this audio clip first.
That wasn't it?
Yeah, no, that wasn't it.
I made a mistake.
It's track 11.
and i think that the other hand and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and
and and and and and that was a bit you know i would have not made a mistake
track eleven uh... it's track eleven
okay uh... track eleven it is Here we go.
Level 1.
She's got my son and she won't let go.
So is it a snake?
Yes.
Okay, so it's a python and he's got a hold of the hand and it's around the rest of the... She's on his index finger.
Okay.
She keeps wrapping around his arm and it seems I get part of her off of him.
So do you just need paramedics or do you just need some big strong men to help you out?
I can't get her to release her hold.
Okay, hang on just a minute.
Okay.
How big is the snake?
She's about five feet long.
Okay.
What did you do?
You just put your hand in there and she got you?
You should know better than to try to get her when she's this big!
I don't know how!
Ma'am, is he just on the arm, the snake?
It's not on any other part of his body?
It's on his finger.
It's on his finger, and it's wrapped around his arm?
Uh-huh.
Okay, we do have them on the way.
It's... Okay, she's... Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Is that him I can hear?
Yeah.
I told you we should sell her.
That's funny.
I'm not laughing.
Send in a paramedic so we can get her off of you.
Has it ate lately?
Yeah, he just fed her.
It just barely ate?
Yeah, and that's why, because she won't eat.
She's only eating mice.
Uh-huh.
She normally eats, she can eat five or six of them at a time.
Uh-huh.
And he only fed her one.
Oh, but she's still hungry.
Yeah, she's very hungry.
He stuck his hand in the tank and she reached up and got him.
Oh, boy.
You can't feed her just one mouse.
Gotta wait until we've got more.
She's released.
She got him?
Yeah.
Oh, good.
Okay, they should be getting real close.
Yeah, they're here.
Okay, I'll go ahead and let you go.
Okay.
Thanks.
Uh-huh.
Bye-bye.
I could swear it was the sirens that probably made the snake release the finger.
It sounded just like when the sirens got there.
Well, I guess that the mom had been pinching at him.
Oh, man.
I told you you shouldn't just feed him one mouth.
You know?
We should have told him.
What got me was, yeah!
Oh, in the background!
My favorite, he's eating my fingers!
Did he really say that?
I didn't hear that.
Yeah, he's like, see, I think he said, he's swallowing my fingers.
He's swallowing my fingers?
Alright, hold on a second.
Let's listen one more time.
I heard none of that.
I was listening to the panel.
Stop my son and she won't let go.
So is it a snake?
Yes.
Okay, so it's a python and he's got a hold of the hand and it's around the rest of the... She's on his index finger.
Okay.
He keeps wrapping around his arm and as soon as I get part of her off of him... So do you just need paramedics or do you just need some big strong men to help you out?
I can't get her to release her hold.
Okay, hang on just a minute.
Okay.
How big is the snake?
She's about five feet long.
Okay.
What did you do?
You just put your hand in there and she got you?
You should know better than to try to get her when she just said... I don't know how.
Ma'am, is he just on the arm of the snake?
It's not on any other part of his body?
It's on his finger.
It's on his finger, and it's wrapped around his arm?
Uh-huh.
Okay, we do have them on the way.
It's... He's swallowing my finger!
All right, all right, I heard it.
See, I was lying to you.
He's swallowing my finger!
He's swallowing my finger!
Oh, man.
Ah, geez.
Well, it doesn't sound like a good idea to have a snake as a pet.
Although, actually, I'm told, to be fair, they do make good pets, except, I guess, you know, at moments like that.
Alright, well, we accidentally played the next track, which was a guy stuck while he was breaking into a house, right?
Right.
He was calling 911 because he was stuck in the window of a house he was breaking into
on i will listen to this again uh...
uh... because we got a kind of out of context that why you know can you
imagine breaking into a house getting halfway in and calling nine
one one what the address of the house
uh...
I'm not going to break it into someone else's house.
Now, exactly how desperate do you suppose that guy had to get before he decided to make that call?
Yeah, it does make you wonder how long he had been stuck in the window before he finally said, okay.
I mean, at the very least, you would think somebody would stick it out until hunger overcame them, they had tried everything, you know, short of sawing off an arm or something, I don't know.
It reminds me, there's another 9-1-1 call, audio from the original CD, Wacky 9-1-1, that you were talking about playing later, where the man gets his private parts caught in the pump, in the intake pump of a pool.
And eventually, someone who works there calls 9-1-1 on his behalf, because they've been in the pool for three hours.
That's easy.
That's when you would think, you know, just drown.
That's understandable.
I mean, you would wait three hours, maybe even six hours.
Who knows?
Yeah.
But you'd really hesitate before you called.
It's like a guy just breaking into someone.
Yeah.
Well, I like it that there's someone breaking into this house.
Yeah.
And so he kind of skirted around the issue.
Well, he tried.
Yeah, he tried.
But now the cops know to go pick up a burglar.
Right.
Yeah.
A confessed burglar that they have on tape who's stuck in a window.
Well, you see, though, all of this is on the side of law enforcement.
Because, in reality, the dumber criminals are, for the most part, the easier they are to catch, the easier they are to punish, because they tend to confess very quickly, just like that guy.
I had a case for my book, The Stupid Crook Book.
A lady was brought in to identify her perpetrator.
So she's standing on one side of the one-way mirror with the detective and there's the bad guy and several other people on the other side of the one-way mirror.
So the detective gets on the microphone and says, when I call out your number, take one step forward and repeat exactly what the criminal said.
He said, give me all your money or I'll shoot you.
Well, one of the guys in line jumped up and said, hey, I didn't say that!
So there's your stupid confession right there.
Yeah.
Yeah, that is stupid.
It's pretty amazing, yeah, but that Python clip, if people want to hear that one again, they can go to the website at realwacky.com.
And again, that's the only place you can get the audio CDs and the video.
The books you can get in bookstores across the United States and Amazon.
My new book is Hey Idiot, but all the other fun audio and video only available At RealWacky.com or at the toll-free number 1-866-754-8273.
I don't know why, but it seems to me that this is the kind of book that typically I'd pick up at an airport knowing I had like a two or three hour flight ahead of me.
This is the kind of book I'd pick up and take onto the airplane.
You know what?
Hey Idiot is exactly that, and I have no delusions.
It's a bathroom reader.
And my thing is, if you read more than seven or eight pages at one sitting, you should probably seek medical attention.
Yes, but you know, it's a good thing.
It's a funny book.
Hey, idiot, it's my eighth book.
Like you mentioned, I've been writing books since 95.
I've got one New York Times bestseller and two national bestsellers.
Again, I'll thank you for that.
What's the number for 9-1-1?
It became a national bestseller right after I did your show.
Sure.
So, Hey Idiot is kind of the Chronicles of Human Stupidity.
It's divided into 13 chapters, each chapter dealing with a different genre of stupidity, like government stupidity, politically correct morons.
There's a lot of stupidity.
See, what you're doing is actually an important thing for humanity.
I'm not exactly sure of why, but it is important.
Somehow it's important.
Somehow.
Yeah, and I get a lot of people that don't state it quite as eloquently, but they go, There's more to what you're doing than just funny stuff.
They don't quite know what it is, but they all know that there's something more to it.
You're not just writing jokes about stupid things.
There's something that I should be getting here.
Well, it is important for people to understand the reality of what they're living with.
They're fellow citizens.
And, I mean, this is a select group of your fellow citizens.
Of course, if you listen to it from that point of view, you might be ashamed and not want to be human anymore.
Alright, so what's number 13 here?
Okay, now we can start on some technical calls from computer companies.
They get tons of calls from customers who are usually very upset.
And the next three in a row, if you just want to let them roll, Okay, you know, I can understand being upset about computers.
Probably in life, there's very little that can frustrate you as much as a computer.
Here we go.
Technical support.
I can do anything for you that a supervisor can do.
I'm telling you that there's no one here who can help you... Can I have a supervisor, please?
No, sir.
You may not talk with a supervisor.
Um, I can give you the number for the Customer Assistance Center if you wish to file a complaint.
I do wish to file a complaint.
Okay.
Their number is 1-800-2333.
And I will file a complaint.
Okay, you're more than welcome to do that.
Um, I believe anyone you talk to will tell you that if you need help with software that makes it, you have to call... Please, sir, don't talk to me like some stupid idiot!
I know what I'm talking about, and you don't know what you're talking about!
Okay, sir, well, um... You should know how to be nice to people!
You shouldn't be nasty, you should be cooperative!
I can't help you if I don't know how, sir.
Listen!
Don't talk to me that way!
I'm a human being and I'm a person!
And you don't have a right to talk condescending to me!
And don't talk down to me!
Who the hell do you think you are?!
I'm here to speak to your supervisor!
I don't have to tell you why I want to talk to your supervisor!
Who the hell do you think you are?!
You've got some nerve!
Well, I apologize if I upset you, sir.
Oh yeah.
You see, that is probably somebody who just installed a new operating system.
Hey, ma'am, it's okay.
No, it's not!
I just failed my midterm because it was a stupid mistake!
God, this is a life saver.
It was a stupid mistake letting people hear this!
Okay, I can't get my computer to print anything but this one stupid paper.
Okay, bye.
Okay, now wait a minute.
This one does require your understanding what you're hearing.
I can see.
This is a computer tech call from this woman who's obviously very upset.
Now, you might understand why when you find out she lost all of her data when her computer crashed.
Now, this is not so funny.
I mean, you could lose work that you've been working on for months or something like that.
Here it is again.
Hey ma'am, it's okay.
No, it's not!
I mean, I just failed my midterm because it's a stupid machine!
Yeah, it's a little life saver.
Because it's a stupid machine letting people use it!
Okay, I can't get my computer to print anything but this one stupid paper.
I can't find it.
I don't know where it is.
It's not on my computer.
And I can't get my computer to shut down properly.
I keep saying there's a print mother problem and then this thing shows up and it's got
all these button bar, button bar, button bar, button bar things on it and I can't get that
to shut down and when that's on all it does is continue to print the same paper over and
over and I can't even...
Okay, okay, ma'am.
What?
If you want me to help you, you're going to have to...
You see, funny, but I really do feel her pain.
Technical support.
Excuse me?
With the flipping up?
No, it's not part of the computer.
You're...
Are you not sure what a paperclip is?
No.
Okay, it's not a part of your computer.
It's just an office supply, a little metal rod, a little piece of metal that you use
to hold two pieces of paper together.
Let me see.
It doesn't look like a lot of paper.
Okay, no, it's not part of a computer.
It's just something that you would have laying around the house that you take a stack of papers, a paper clip that holds three or four pieces of paper together.
Do you know what I'm talking about?
Like a bed?
Like a dead maple?
Um, no.
This is a, do you know what, it's a piece of, it's a piece of wire, metal.
Hmm.
No.
Okay, it's something that you could put, you see the small hole next to the CD slot?
Yeah, it's mobile.
Okay, it's a piece of metal that you could stick into that hole to push a button that is inside of that hole.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Do you think this CD has not come out because something is not working well?
No, it's probably fine, but you need to get the CD out in order for the computer to come back up.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay, it's a paperclip.
these kind of people. Okay, it's a paperclip. Is there, is there, is it? Okay. Do you mind? Is there somebody?
Oh, yeah. Okay, thank you. Okay. Thank you. Okay. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Oh, yeah.
Oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Dream lover, where are you?
Where does love go so true?
And the hand that I can hold is getting nearer as I go.
Cause I want me a girl to call my own.
I want a dream lover so I don't have to dream alone.
To talk with Art Bell, call the wildcard line at area code 7.
The first time caller line is area code 775-727-1222.
To talk with Art Bell from east of the Rockies, call toll free at 800-825-5033.
The line is area code 775-727-1222.
To talk with Art Bell from east of the Rockies, call toll free at 800-825-5033.
From west of the Rockies, call 800-618-8255.
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800-893-0903. From coast to coast and worldwide on the internet, this is Coast to Coast AM
Sometimes it pays to just sort of lay back a little bit and look at the lighter side of life.
And there is one, fortunately, and we're examining that tonight.
more of your moment with leland gregory okay we've got uh... one more to go i think from the
currency dnl plow on some uh... absolute classics
We've got a lot of people asking, of course, for the one with the guy who hits the deer.
That's all over my computer screen.
Play that, play that.
There's two things, Leland, I think, that in a person's life will actually cause them to live longer, that I've, aside from a good diet and all the usual, I think having a pet, like a cat or a dog or something, Probably not a snake.
But having a pet will cause you to live longer.
There's something about petting an animal and interacting with an animal that will keep you alive.
And laughing!
Laughing is the other thing that I think is very likely to keep you alive longer.
A lot of laughing.
There's something about the kind of endorphins that it produces that I think leans toward longevity.
That's right.
Actually, I'm 97 years old.
I feel that way.
It's done well for you.
Alright, so where are we here?
Let's see, where was it?
It's 16.
I think we can probably play this, can't we?
Yeah, I don't see why not.
You think this is a prank?
Yes, I do think it's a prank.
Alright, now this is an example of the kind of thing, making the rounds on the internet.
I'm sure many of you may have heard this, or maybe Maybe not.
You'll get an earful now.
Yeah, here it comes.
Thank you for calling MST.
How may I help you?
I just picked up my 92 Accord from your lot and there is a huge turd in the back seat!
A huge turd?
Yes!
And there's what in the backseat?
A turd!
A big-ass human turd in the backseat of my car!
Ma'am, I assure you, our guys did not take a dump in your car.
If you want to, bring that car back and we'll take a look at it.
you are you want to take a look at it all right well for some reason we lost the audio on that so
we're gonna have to I have no idea what just occurred.
Let's, uh, let's try this again.
I just picked up my 92 Accord from your lot, and there is a huge turd in the back seat!
A huge turd?
Yes!
And there's what in the backseat?
A turd!
A big-ass human turd in the backseat of my car!
Ma'am, I assure you, our guys did not take a dump in your car.
If you want to, bring that car back and we'll take a look at it.
Oh, you want to take a look at it?
My car is fine.
It's that big-ass turd in the backseat.
Okay, what would you like me to do?
Okay, how about I go to your house and pitch a loaf on your couch?
How about that?
Ma'am, what would you like me to do to fix the situation?
I want somebody to come over here, get this turd out my backseat, and clean my car.
That's not going to happen.
What do you mean it's not going to happen?
You can bring the car here and we can take a look at it.
I am.
I'm going to bring it back there.
You know what I'm going to do?
Huh?
I'm going to take a dump in every last car you got there.
I'm going to pee on your counter.
I'm going to do it all.
Okay, ma'am.
Just tell you how it feels.
Okay, ma'am.
And you know what?
You sound like a big girly man.
It probably came out your ass.
Oh yeah, I don't make it a habit of going out and taking a dump in the car.
How much do you weigh?
Uh, about 400 pounds.
That's your curve.
That's my curve, huh?
That came up from a 400 pound man, huh?
That is a 400 pound man.
Either that or a gorilla.
I'm driving this car right to my lawyer's office and I'm going to let the whole world see.
You're going to be on the news this evening, buddy.
I'm going to get seven on my side.
Watch.
You're going to be on the news.
Can you describe the piece of...
I mean, what does it look like?
He's got her on a speakerphone now.
But how big is it?
What kind of... asking me what color? I tell you what, it smells undying. That's what it smells like.
Smells like you sold your ass to the devil.
That came from the pits of hell.
Well how big is it? How long is it?
It's not as long as my arm.
I don't think it's funny.
Why y'all, this is not funny.
I got a damn two-by-four in my back seat.
You know, I think this, I think this some racial shit too.
That's what this is.
Little kids are running away from it.
I'm glad y'all find this funny.
Okay.
You're probably, On the steering wheel too, don't you?
Oh, alright, alright.
How long does it look like it's been sitting there?
Steve is coming off of it, okay?
Steve?
Steve is coming off of it?
Yes!
It shouldn't be there that long then, huh?
I am taking... It's a fresh turd!
Okay.
What you need to do is you need to bring that turd back And we'll match it up.
We've got a lineup.
We'll match it up with the other turds that we have.
Well, what you need to do is learn how to use a turd.
So you're not going to bring the turd back to me?
No.
You know what?
Is this a sample?
No.
I'm starting to like it.
You're going to keep it as a pet?
I'm going to keep it because it's a nice look.
You know what?
It's a nice conversation piece.
OK.
Cool.
OK.
Hey, thanks, man.
All right.
Thank you so much.
All right.
Now, so that I understand this correctly, The prank was that lady, and the dispatcher here had no... I mean, he had no idea it was a prank, did he?
Not for a while.
Then it sounded like he started catching on.
Well, yeah, at some point, but... Man, oh man, oh man.
It's pretty funny.
It is funny.
He did a good job.
Now, with respect to these, and you have more of these, some of which, on the side of caution, we are not going to play, there's one call from...
A radio station to a woman.
I'm sure a lot of people on the internet have heard this.
A man claims to be a product inspector for a vibrator she recently purchased.
Eventually the woman admits she's used said vibrator for three weeks.
She's surprised at the end to find out it's a radio prank.
And then there's others.
You have some interest in finding out, even though we can't air these, the origin of these so that you can Or how do you look at these in trying to decide the province of these?
Well, I always do my best to try to find out the origin of it, because I'm not in the business of ripping people off.
But a lot of times when something like the product inspector for the vibrator has been around a long time, and it's been... I mean, it gets into everybody's emails, so... It's almost...
I guess if it's gone around the world once, is it then in the public domain officially?
See, that's a good question.
I really don't know, but I never could track down exactly where that came from.
But it's pretty interesting.
But if you could find, for example, the radio station where that came from, you would be very interested in knowing.
Yes, I would.
I'd like to find out where it came from and what they've done with it and what kind of response they got from it.
All right.
Listen, I've got the original in here, and you're going to have to help me out with track numbers.
I know that I have many requests for the deer, so let's go ahead and serve it up.
OK.
It's track 11.
Track 11.
OK.
All right.
Now, what is this at this point in this clip's life?
This is a very funny clip, folks.
It is very funny.
But what do we know about it?
Anything more about it?
Origins?
Yes, I actually spoke with the original dispatcher who took the call.
It took place in Houston, Texas in the mid-80s.
And it turns out that the deal is they had recently installed a brand new operating program.
And everyone in the station was nervous about how to use the new technology.
The man who installed the program... You're talking about the 911 system?
Yes, it was a new communications 9-1-1 emergency system.
And the man who installed the new software went into the captain's office and placed the call.
This is the guy who put in the software?
He placed the call, but it still did go through the system.
Technically it's a 9-1-1 call, but it does turn out to have been a put-on 9-1-1 call.
Check it out.
This doesn't sound right.
Track 11 on Wacky 9-1-1?
Uh, hold on.
Uh, let's see.
I think that's what I've got here.
No, I've got stupid crook audio.
Wacky 9-1-1, track 11.
There you go.
Uh, the whole thing just came apart in my hand.
Oh my.
You know, they make them with those little weird edges.
Alright, track 11, here we go.
Time to rock.
Classic, by the way, I might add.
This is the Ambulance Emergency Line.
Do you have an emergency?
I need a van for that.
Who is this?
Joe.
Okay.
Where do you need us?
I'm in a mothafuckin' phone booth.
Okay, what's the address there?
Hold on.
Okay, Joe, I need a location.
What street are you on?
I'm in a mothafuckin' phone booth at the stop and go.
That's it.
I'm at the mothafuckin' stop and go.
Hold on.
Wait a minute.
Huffsm... Where's the mothafuckin... Huffsmith... ...Car Road... ...in... in Suffolk.
It's a mothafuckin' stop-and-go.
Yo!
Uh-huh?
Howdy, Alex.
Let me see.
I'm in the mothafuckin' phone booth.
I'm... let me tell you what.
I'm in... I'm goin' down the mothafuckin' road, drivin' my car, mindin' my own... ...damn business, and a mothafuckin' deer... ...jumped out and hit my car.
Okay, sir, are you injured?
Let me tell you, I get out and pick the mother****** deer up.
I thought he was dead.
I put the mother****** deer in my back seat and I'm driving down the mother****** road and minding my own business.
The muthafuckin' woke up and bit me in the back of my goddamn neck and he bit me and it done kicked the shit out of my car!
And I'm in the muthafuckin' phone booth.
The deer bit me in the neck.
A big muthafuckin' dog came up and bit me in the leg.
I hit him with the muthafuckin' tire iron and I stabbed him.
I stabbed him with my knife so I got a hurt leg and the muthafuckin' deer bit me in the neck.
And the deer, and the dog wanted me out of the muthafuckin' phone booth.
Cause he wants the deer.
Incredible.
Yes, sir.
So that actually was a... Oh, I don't know.
Basically a prank call.
uh... but not here but i mean that and i would like me all about
and get out of the book all right about it
credible yes sir so that actually was a uh...
well i don't know basically a prank call a prank call of the dark out
But yeah, that is probably the most requested one, and we went ahead and put that on our website at realwacky.com if people want to go listen to it, or if they want to buy Wacky 9-1-1, the audio, this audio CD, which of course is only available at the website at realwacky.com.
And it's also, we have two versions.
We have it on the censored version that you aired, and then the uncensored version.
So please use caution when ordering.
Yes.
Don't give Grandma the wrong copy.
You've got to specify which one you want?
Yeah, well, I mean, when you go to the website at realwacky.com, there's two different, completely different audio CDs.
One is censored and one is uncensored.
Okay.
All right.
While we're here, we've got to do the one, the gagged guy.
Okay.
That is...
Uh, track three on real wacky 9-1-1.
Alright, now this is one that, when I first heard this one, I was in danger of not being able to continue the program.
I was really in danger of not being able to continue the program, and I, this is a definite stub-your-toe kind of audio that we're going to play here.
This is real, this is a guy, I'm going to tell you ahead of time, otherwise it'll take you a little while to figure it out.
He's calling 9-1-1 because he's had a, why, I guess a robber or somebody broke in and bound him and gagged him.
Right.
He's the victim of a robbery.
Yeah.
He's bound and gagged.
Yeah.
He's really gagged and he's trying to call 9-1-1 and it shouldn't be funny but it put me on the floor.
Listen carefully.
I ran into a robber.
I knew I saw him and I grabbed him and tied him up with a snipping cord.
I didn't even believe it.
Sure, I can understand it.
Also, he said that he's a victim of a robber.
He's been tied up and gagged.
Where is he at?
Can you give us your address?
600... Walnut.
600 what?
Walnut Lane.
Walnut?
Orange?
No, Olive.
Olive?
Olive, sir?
Olive?
Do you want me to have someone check this out?
Please.
Sir, just get someone to help me.
I understand it.
So it's 600 Olive?
Are you saying Aulis?
Auland.
I can't figure out what he's saying.
Is it Atlantic?
Auland.
Auland.
I said that.
Auland.
A-L-U-L-A-N-D.
Auland, right?
600 Auland?
Okay, that won't be necessary.
You don't have to run a check.
How long ago did this happen?
Well, it took me 30 years to get something on your phone.
Okay, listen to me.
Listen to me.
Do you live in a house or an apartment there?
An apartment.
What apartment do you live in?
One, two.
One, two?
Alright, one, two.
What apartment?
Two?
Okay.
And what's his last name?
Okay, so we're going to send the police out, alright?
Okay, bye-bye.
Sir, let me go so I can send the police, alright?
I'm sorry, this is Cardinal from Lawrenceburg, PA.
Let me go so I can send the police, alright?
Bye-bye.
Wow!
That's an amazing one.
It really is.
Completely different reactions to that, because when I was on the Today Show, I aired that
one, and Katie Couric looked at me and she said, that's not funny.
Did she really?
And I said, it is.
See, it really is true that it hits people different ways.
Right.
You played that for Katie, huh?
Yeah, she said, that's not funny.
And I went, well, thanks.
Well, if it's not, then, you know, I guess I don't know.
I think it's hilarious.
It would be frame of mind, but when I first heard that, and still now, you know, I feel for the guy in every way.
I feel sorry for him, but it is funny.
I'm sorry.
It is funny.
You know, and what I like is that the operators are trying their best, and he goes, I'm at almond, is what he's trying to say, and they start guessing all around it.
Well... And it's like, here they are in the nut category, but... Yeah, some of life's absolutely most painful moments really are funny.
Yeah.
And for him, obviously, it was frustrating, painful, and probably just like the worst day he ever had.
I mean... Oh, I can only imagine.
But... Still... And what made that funny was the frustration in his gagged lips.
Right.
That came through real clearly, how frustrated he was, and I think that's what made it funny.
That is kind of what's funny, hearing him complaining.
All mooned!
Now, say, how did that one reach you?
Do you recall?
Was it an internet... A 911 dispatcher.
Oh, it was a 911 dispatcher.
Almost all the ones from the original CD Wacky 911 came from dispatchers.
How many people like, of course, of all places to have it happen, Katie Couric?
But how many people do you run into like that?
That don't think it's funny?
Well, what a universe of people.
99.9% will think it's a riot, but just that one-tenth of 1%.
Yeah.
And what's great is that, you know, I was on national TV, That's not funny.
Well, she said, that's not funny.
It's like, well, thanks, Katie.
Gotta go.
All right.
My guest has got a lot of funny stuff, actually.
I think it's a riot, but it depends on how it hits you.
How did it hit you?
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And Leland Gregory, and we're having a lighter night tonight, but the spirit is on Mars, and...
The first photographs are coming back.
I'm looking at one right now on a JPL site, Jet Propulsion Lab site, and it looks like a calibration shot.
It's in strips, but it's high resolution, and it looks really good.
Really, really good, actually.
This is going to be very exciting.
I must admit, what's out in front of me right now looks kind of like a cat box.
It's a phrase I used a long time ago.
It has lots, but it does.
You can get a look at that one.
Soon we'll be getting the stereoscopic color photographs from Mars.
as it's obvious we're in for a really good ride, folks.
Once again, here's Leland Gregory.
Leland, people call you and tell you, or I don't know what, contact your website, or suppose they've got something that they think is hilarious and they want to get a hold of you.
How do they do that?
Yeah, the best way, in fact, I'm checking my email right now and I've gotten a couple people that are listening to your radio show.
My next question will be about your email, but I mean, Do you want to give out an email address?
Well, actually, if people go to the website at realwacky.com and scroll down to the bottom, there's a blue hyperlink that says for press information, send it to Leland and click on that and it'll open up an email box and just send me I was thinking, when you do something like this, a lot of people have, I don't know, MPEGs or really big files.
I mean, when people start sending this stuff to you, how do you handle it with your mailbox?
You know, it's just part of the job.
I've got a web guide that takes care of it for me.
So, just basically, people go to realwacky.com and they'll I'll take it from there.
All right.
I've got another CD here called Stupid Crook Audio.
We haven't done any audio from that.
You know, I don't know which one that would be.
I think that was something I sent you a long time ago.
Really?
Yeah.
You don't remember it?
I mean, I remember it, but I don't remember what cuts were on it.
It's all edited, but I don't know exactly how great it is.
Actually, I can give you the titles.
Okay.
Well, some of them.
The screaming pothead was number two.
Oh, well, there you go.
There's irate driver, rapper, window kicker, drunk, out of control, butt naked, baby.
I'm going to skip a couple here.
Don't talk to me.
Go to hell, backwards, not stale, traffic stop, stuck in the window, whacked out son.
Yeah, you know, that's not the greatest stuff.
I think if you want to stick to the wacky 9-1-1 CD, I think that would be the stuff that's funnier.
Alright.
Then we go to Editor's Choice at this point.
Okay.
What do you like?
Well, I like, there's a cute one called Homework Helper.
Homework Helper.
And it is track 13.
Alright.
And it's a little girl asking help with her math homework.
Aw.
Alright, here we go.
I need some help.
What's the matter?
What's my math?
What, your mouth?
No, it's my math.
I have to do it.
Will you help me?
Sure.
Where do you live?
No, it's my math.
Yeah, I know it.
Where do you live, though?
No, I want you to talk to me on the phone.
No, I can't do that.
I can send someone else to help you.
Okay, um... What kind of math do you have that you need help with?
I have, I have takeaways.
Oh, you gotta do the takeaways?
Yeah.
Alright, what's the problem?
Um, you have to help me with my math.
Okay, tell me what the math is.
Okay, sixteen.
Yeah.
Take away eight.
Uh huh.
Guess what?
You tell me, how much do you think it is?
I don't know, one?
No.
How old are you?
I'm only four.
Four?
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah.
What's another problem?
That was a tough one.
Um... Oh, here's one.
Five take away five.
Five take away five.
And how much do you think that is?
Five.
Johnny, what are you doing?
There's Mom. What did I tell you about putting on the bag?
You didn't mention it. It's a car sound bag. I didn't mean the police. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
That was really cute.
Yeah, that's cute.
Yeah, actually, this is great.
I've already, I just checked my email again, and I've gotten like two or three, well, I've gotten like 15 emails, but I've gotten a couple of audio samples already, so I really encourage people to go to realwacky.com and Email me stories.
In fact, I'll take this opportunity to solicit.
Sure.
Because I'm working on a new book called Idiots at Work, and it's going to be about, you know, stupid people that you work with.
So if you have stories of stupid bosses or stupid co-workers, just go to realwacky.com and email me.
Now, do these have to be audio, or can they be material for a book?
Sure.
Yeah, if people want to send me stories of Stupid things that have happened to them at work, stupid things their bosses have recommended or asked them to do, stupid co-workers.
That's, like I said, that's the next book that I'm working on.
Well, we'll see you out next year.
The workplace is a big part of our lives, so lots of stupidity occurs there.
Hopefully, if someone's got anything for me, I would be glad to take it.
Just go to RealWacky.com and go scroll down to the bottom of the page where it says Press Information.
Click on Leland.
What makes you decide suddenly, for example, to, oh, the workplace would be good?
I mean, what brings that on?
You know, it's just kind of, I get most of my best ideas when I'm sitting in the back up.
That was just one of them, I thought.
You know, which is actually a little bit alien to me since I work at home.
You know, I don't have a boss other than myself and my six-year-old son.
But, um, I thought, you know, that would be an interesting thing.
I know, I do some of my best thinking in the shower.
Yeah.
The shower is a really good place to think.
Because it's quiet and you have nothing else to do, well, other than cleaning.
Yeah, I know, but there's no thinking about that.
Right, yeah, you've got that down to a sign.
It's a time when you can consider other things.
That's right.
Yes, indeed, I agree.
All right, well, we still have Wacky 911 here in a few minutes.
Is there anything you like?
Yeah, there's a funny one that took place in Nashville, Tennessee.
I want to give out the toll-free number one more time real fast.
Sure.
It's 1-866-WACKY911.
7, 5, 4, 8, 2, 7, 3.
And the 8, 2, 7, 3 spells tape.
How about that?
By the way, Wacky911, what else?
After Wacky911, or after they've ordered that, if they haven't yet, that would obviously be the one.
Right.
But once you get past Wacky911, what's your next favorite?
Well, my next favorite is the Stupid Crooks caught on tape video.
It's just, it's very funny.
It's an hour Video of actual, I mean there's no reenactments.
It's all actual dash cam and security camera footage of stupid criminals getting caught doing stupid things.
It's very funny and very embarrassing.
Did you have fun putting them together?
Oh yeah, it was a blast.
I mean it's so funny because I get to sit in the edit booth and listen to the editor laugh.
So it's fun to see the material, new people seeing the material.
Because like you said, I've seen it so much I'm jaded.
But then when I get to see it through someone else's eyes, it's like, okay, yeah, that is funny.
Exactly.
All right, name a track here on... Growing in My Mouth.
This took place here in Nashville, Tennessee, and it is track six.
Six, huh?
And this, again, is a call to 9-1-1.
A call to 9-1-1 from a guy who, well, it's kind of hard to explain, and you'll see why.
Here we go.
Something is happening to me right now.
I don't know what is going on.
It's just... It's hard to explain.
Things are just growing out of my mouth.
And I am not calling.
It's just no joke.
Did you need the police or did you need an ambulance?
I need the ambulance.
I need to go to the hospital because things are just growing in my mouth.
Like what?
I don't know what... Alright, hold on, let me connect to Ambulance.
Sorry, boss.
Oh, yes.
I don't know what is going on, but something is... ...growing.
Things are growing in my mouth.
Things are growing in your mouth?
Yes, I don't know what is going on.
I was in the bed and now things are growing in my mouth.
Things are growing in your mouth?
Yes.
What kind of things are growing in your mouth?
I don't know what they are.
I can't see them.
Can you feel them?
Well, yes, I feel them in my mouth, but I don't know what they are.
What do they feel?
Do they feel like trees?
Oh, just limbs or what?
Like circles.
Like circles?
Oh, like little balls or something.
I don't know what they are.
Have you looked in the mirror?
I'm afraid to.
That Indian's laughing, I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid to, yeah, I like that.
Do you ever get to follow up and find out, for example, what the hell he was talking about?
Yeah, the police on that one, they're local, he was on something pretty substantial.
Something you can't buy at a liquor store, let's say.
Yeah, I hear you.
Yeah, he was pretty whacked out on that.
But yeah, I love the way the cop is messing with this, like, is it a tree?
Like a tree?
And then the, have you looked in the mirror?
I'm afraid to.
Yeah, yeah.
It's a very interesting gentleman at that one.
But yeah, so the Wacky 911, the first CD that we did on your show, and I think it was, gosh, How long ago was it?
It was like in 2000.
Okay, 2000.
And it's just done great.
So I think we sold about 15 or 20,000 units.
And just a lot of people are getting a lot of enjoyment.
I get a lot of dispatchers call back saying they'll put it on at a party.
You know, because it's censored, so it's safe and just gets a lot of fun response.
How could anybody listen to that whole I've been sitting here thinking about Katie Couric, and trying to figure out how anybody could not laugh during that thing.
Maybe there are others, and I'll look at my Fast Blast, but damn, that was funny!
So, you're at work now, on the workplace.
How far through that are you?
Right now, I'm in the research mode.
The book is due April 1st.
I usually have my books due April 1st.
Yeah.
Keep me on top of things.
It's also my wedding anniversary, so it's kind of a fun time to do it.
So I'm doing a lot of research and trying to find stories, and that's why I'm kind of asking people to go to the website and go to realwacky.com.
Send me your stories.
All right.
Give us one to go out with here.
Pick one to go out with here.
Let's see.
What would be a fun one?
Okay Either number 12 a beer opening or
Number 25 I'm crazy It's 12 or 25.
12 or 25.
You pick.
Let's see.
I can't do it.
Which one is funnier?
I like 12.
You like 12?
It's cute and funny.
All right.
12 it is.
Here we go, ladies and gentlemen.
This isn't really an emergency, but it is sort of one to this little old lady.
I've been terribly upset, and I thought the only thing I could do, I don't think, of sleep pills and all of that.
I went out and bought myself a couple of small bottles of beer.
I thought that would relax me.
What's the problem?
The problem is I can't open the bottle.
Could you send a man over and I'll be downstairs and have him open the bottle?
Okay, now wait a minute.
Okay, wait a minute.
Am I correct that you can't sleep?
So you went out and bought two bottles of beer and you want a policeman to come by and open them for you?
Yes, please, because I don't have any equipment here that seems to handle that kind of a prop.
And I have never gone in.
I think I had a ketchup bottle once, and a neighbor broke the top off.
Well, listen, I'm going to get you someone out there to open those beer bottles.
Well, you just stay in your apartment now, and I'll send them up to the apartment.
What's your phone number?
Let me take a look at it.
It's a new one, and I don't remember it very well.
I can hardly see it.
It's all blotted and blurred.
I can't see it with all the magnifying.
Okay, you can't see it without magnifying glass.
That's okay that I don't know your phone number now.
Well, it looks like it.
It has been put in by the operator or the one that put the phone in and it's down below and that is Was it?
And then they put another one on the top, and they're sort of overblurred.
I'm sorry about it.
That's okay.
I'll just get it... I'm cold sober, and I... I know you are.
Yeah, and I don't have any... any bad intent or anything.
I just want to be able to go to sleep.
I know.
Well, we'll get you in and out there to open that beer bottle.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Thank you.
Uh-huh.
Can I hang up?
Yes.
Okay.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Queue affirmative.
Queue going.
To affirmative, assist the elderly female.
Assist her to do what?
Charlie 2, it's been okayed per the lieutenant.
We prefer not to give the code out on the air.
So apparently they have a code to help old ladies open beer bottles.
So they would actually send a police officer over to open beer?
They actually did, in that instance, send a police officer over to open the beer bottle.
Well, you know, that's not only nice on the part of the dispatcher, but the department has a policy and the police to do that, period.
I mean, that's unimaginable.
Right.
Well, the thing is, you know, it's obvious to ladies You know, it's just not a prank.
You know, and it's obvious the lady's an elderly woman and, you know, what the heck.
I guess, I mean, they only do it, of course, if they have, you know, nothing else to do.
That really does reflect really well on the 9-1-1 system, on the operators, on the police, on everybody concerned.
I mean, that really reflects well on them to do that.
That is Crazy as it may sound.
It's public service, right?
And actually, that particular dispatcher, I've spoken with her.
She's just a nice lady anyway.
There's several instances like the cop helping the kid with the math homework.
They're good people and if they're not stressed out or under a lot of pressure, they're going to act like any good person.
Well, that was way over the top.
That was cool.
Alright, well listen, one more time, plug the website.
The website is realwacky.com and if people want to send me emails of stories of stupid boss mistakes or stupid co-workers, I'd appreciate it.
Go to realwacky.com, scroll down to the bottom, you'll find a link that will open up a mail.
Or if you want to order the video, Stupid Crooks Caught on Tape, or my audio CDs, uh... and you don't have an internet access you can go to call one eight six six seven five four
8-2-7-3.
That's a toll-free number.
Our operator, singular, is standing by, so if you don't get through the first time... You have one operator.
All right.
Listen, brother, thank you for being on the program again.
I'm glad to hear that you're back on the air, buddy.
We missed it.
Thank you, and thanks for being here.
Sure, pal.
Take care, Leland.
That's Leland Gregory.
Actually, we have a lot of nice public officials out there, and that's kind of a nice way to close this out.
That's been fun.
Meanwhile, we're getting pictures of Mars.
I'll be back tomorrow night.
We'll talk about that and a whole lot more.
So, for that which moves in the middle of the night from the high desert, I'm Art Bell.
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