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Jan. 3, 2004 - Art Bell

02:42:44

Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell - Leland Gregory - Wacky 911 Calls

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47:27

richard c hoagland

12:43

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Speaker	Time	Text
art bell ▲ ● ▼		From the high desert and the great American Southwest, I bid you good evening, good morning, good afternoon.
		In whatever time zone of this great world of ours you reside in, we cover them all from here.
		It's known as Coast Coast A.M., largest overnight pop radio program in the world.
unidentified		We did it!
art bell ▲ ● ▼		It really looks like we did it.
		I think CNN Pop, the picture of the moment, a really good-looking Chinese or Japanese or Korean-American, I don't know.
		Working at JBL, dressed in red, white, and blue.
		I've got his hand in the air, and you can tell he's a happy camper.
		Mars Rover is on the ground.
		On Mars, I got the appropriate signals back.
		15-watt transmitters.
		Or transmitter, I guess, and a couple of antennas.
		And I got a signal from the surface.
		And in a moment, we'll examine what it means, what we can look forward to.
		With, of course, none other than Richard C. Hoffman.
		Now, whatever you may think of Richard, he's the biggest, loudest, strongest advocate of finding out more about Mars that I know of.
		Absolutely passionate about it.
		It is his life-consuming business.
		And he's done many things in his life.
		Thanks for medal for science, the science advisor to Walter Cronkheit, the daddy of them all.
		And in a moment, we will pat Richard's expertise.
		He did, after all, call water on Mars a long, long, long time ago when NASA was saying, nah.
		Richard called the fact there'd be water on Mars impact.
		This little rover is down in a crater.
		I don't know if that's right.
		A crater, I guess.
		Something created by millions of years ago by some sort of impact on Mars.
		And there's a lot of things that look like they may have held water that run into it.
		So they have put the rover down there specifically to examine the possibility of water.
		That water is or was on Mars.
		That life may be or perhaps was on Mars.
		And our resident guy, Richard C. Hoagland, about what we just did.
		By the way, the pictures should begin coming, I don't know, in an hour or two.
		He may have an update on that.
		in moment Richard C. Hoagland.
unidentified		outro music
art bell ▲ ● ▼		By the way, in the next hour, we're going to have Leland Gregory here, and he's got some of the funniest stuff you've ever heard in your whole life.
		Just absolutely riotous stuff.
		He does some CDs called Wacky 9-11 and Stupid Criminals and stuff like that.
		It's going to be an awful lot of fun.
		So that'll be coming up in the next hour.
		But, folks, we're on Mars.
		We finally have made it to the surface.
		A little over an hour ago now, they confirmed we were safely on the surface of Mars.
		Hey, Richard.
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		Hi there, Art.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Hi, all right, Dave.
		Could you kind of take, you know, not everybody got to see or hear this alive on CNN or the NASA channel, as you know we both did.
		So could you kind of take them through what just happened?
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		Yeah, it's about an hour and a half ago now that they actually landed.
		This spacecraft, autonomously, totally on its own because of the speed of light lag time between Earth, you can't control the stuff from Earth, went through, as Zed Weiler said, who is the Deputy Administrator for Space Science at NASA headquarters.
		He coined this term that everybody around the world has been using for the last several days, the six minutes from hell.
		And in those six minutes from entry, when the heat shield of this little lander hit the atmosphere and boiled up to the surface temperature of the sun, through parachute deployments, through airbags, through bolt cutters, through retro rockets, and then airbag bouncing on the surface and rolling to a stop, they actually made it.
unidentified		The whole damn thing worked tonight.
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		And there is a 400-pound rover sitting inside those airbags, which are now being retracted even as we speak.
		And there's a whole automatic sequence which is going to go on.
		In another few minutes, in about 15 minutes, Mars Odyssey, remember our old little Mars Odyssey orbiting Mars, will fly over the Spirit rover landing site.
		And because they had locked radio signals back to the antennas on Earth and radio signals up to Mars Surveyor at the moment of landing and all kinds of amazing data on the UHF channel, they believe that in about 15 minutes they will have a successful flyover with Odyssey, which will give them a snapshot, not only of what the rover is doing all by itself, because it can't be seen from Earth right now.
		Earth has set.
		And so you can't, with the antennas on the Earth, see anything.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I would think even if you did have a shot at observing Mars, you couldn't see it.
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		No, you can't see it.
		When I say see, I mean see electronics.
		No, I thought you meant the big DSN antennas.
		They're getting no data directly from the antennas because, you know, the Mars rotated out of the field of view, and the Earth set from where the rovers are.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		The flyovers.
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		The flyover of Odyssey in about 14 minutes now, they expect that we will actually get not only data, but pictures art.
		So within about 45 minutes, we may have pictures on the ground of what this landing site looks like.
		Because the first thing that we're going to do is to turn the cameras on on the mast, which is the little telescopic mast that has two sets of cameras on it.
unidentified		Sure.
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		And take pictures even before they raise the mast to the side.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I believe they're telescopic cameras.
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		They're Telescopic.
		They are about three to four times better than any surface camera we've ever had on the surface before.
		They can see a boulder the size of a softball out at the end of a football field, 100 meters away.
		And they'll be in color.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		All right, where are we?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Where did we land?
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		We are roughly on the equator in a 100-mile wide crater called Gusef.
		Gusef.
		And you were right.
		It is an ancient impact site.
		At least they think it's ancient.
		I think it may be more recent.
		And it's filled with sediments.
		There's a huge river, an ancient river that flows into it from the south with a huge talus apron, like a Mississippi Delta that extends about halfway into the crater.
		And this rover is sitting at the end of that delta, hopefully not too far from the center of the landing ellipse, which is 39 miles long and 3 miles wide.
		It may have landed a bit long.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		It's a cute robot with wheels.
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		It has wheels in a few days.
		They're going to be very cautious now.
		This whole thing has to unlimber itself the pedals of the protective lander, which is a tetrahedron, by the way.
		Hint hint.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I knew you'd say that.
		Well, it is.
		I know.
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		And it landed on the base pedal, which is really fortuitous.
		I mean, they had one chance in four of that happening.
		So what has to happen is that all by itself on its own computer control, with Odyssey merely eavesdropping in the next few minutes, it has to reel in the airbags, deflate them.
		It has to open the pedals.
		It has to unfold solar panels on the actual, you know, golf cart-sized rover.
		Because without the solar panels drinking in sunlight, the batteries will die and the spacecraft will basically die.
		And it's about 3.30 in the afternoon Mars time, local Martian time.
		So they've got about four hours of sunlight left.
		So they've got plenty of time to top off the batteries and survive the cold night.
		And then tomorrow morning, there will be two overflights, one by surveyor, roughly 8 o'clock year time, and one by Odyssey, roughly noon year time, which will give them all kinds of new information, including engineering data, health, housekeeping, and they'll know basically what shape they're in.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Okay, Richard, so we're going to get high-quality color pictures, correct?
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		We may get high-quality color tonight.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Tonight.
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		So you're going to have to split your attention.
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		You're going to have to listen to art with one ear and watch CNN with the other eye.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Now, so they're in this crater.
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		When I say crater, I mean this thing is a huge flat lake bed.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		And they're in this crater so they can look for, I mean, the main mission is to look for evidence of water.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		That's number one.
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		Evidence of sedimentary deposits.
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		When you're in the middle of a lake that's filled with sediments, mud.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yes.
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		Basically, that mud washed down from the southern highlands whenever weird things happened on Mars.
		Now, the cool thing about this is that the NASA team thinks they're verifying one set of models for Mars.
		As you know, we have a different model, the so-called Mars tidal model.
		This little rover is going to give us stunning information.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Okay, what's your model versus their model?
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		That the catastrophes on Mars that led to the floods and all the water and all the erosion and all that are only about 65 million years old as opposed to 4 billion years old.
		That Mars used to be a satellite of a bigger planet that blew up 65 million years ago.
		Pieces of that planet were flung all over the solar system.
		One of them hit the Earth and did in the dinosaurs.
		A lot of the debris hit Mars, causing this incredible southern cratered hemisphere, which plastered one half the planet with all kinds of impacts.
		And this landing, this Gus-Ov crater, is right at the boundary between that plastered zone in the southern hemisphere and the smooth northern plains that appear to be the level sediments of the ancient Martian ocean.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yes, and this is also what Dr. Van Flandren.
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		That's right.
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		Tom Ben Planner has been championing this idea for several years, but he didn't get the evidence that we've got, which is the evidence on Mars itself given to us by these various missions.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		And the main belief at NASA is...
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		Nothing has happened recently on Mars for billions of years.
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		And that all this stuff happened a long, long, long, long, long, long, long time ago.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		And this mission could prove one or the other.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		By what?
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		By, well, the one key thing we're going to be looking for, this spacecraft carries amazing analysis instrumentation.
		It can rove out and it can look at rocks, it can look at soil, it can measure spectra, which is how we get element content and mineral content.
		What we're going to be looking for, Mars is red.
		We believe that Mars is red because of the catastrophe, that Mars is red because of all the junk that got dumped on it from the planet that blew up.
		If that's true, a lot of that red stuff is oxidized iron from the exposed core of the exploding planet.
		Now, we know on Earth that the core of the Earth is a combination of iron and nickel.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Well, to us Earthlings, iron seems red and iron seem connected.
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		When iron rusts, it gets red.
		Well, but the minor constituent should be nickel.
		This spacecraft, for the first time of any spacecraft we've sent there, the Vikings or Pathfinder, can measure the nickel content of the iron dust, the iron soil, the iron sands.
		And if it's a certain percentage, it will confirm our model of the exploded core of the planet that Mars used to orbit.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		And when do you think this kind of data will begin to?
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		Well, they're going to start within the next week.
		They're going to be very careful.
		They're going to sit on that little lander base until they know everything's working.
		Then they'll raise up on the legs with the wheels.
		They'll roll down a ramp, and then they'll start looking at rocks and they'll start sampling with this amazing set of gadgets they have on this reticulated arm.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yeah, now I've heard it's about a week that they begin.
		Before they actually begin to move.
		So they look around and they identify each rock and they probably Have a committee meeting about what path will be taken.
unidentified		Exactly.
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		And they'll have orbiter photographs taken looking down.
		They'll have the descent lander camera that was photographing.
		In fact, one of the mission managers said a few moments ago before we came on the air that they think they can make a movie of the descent from the engineering camera photos that were taken all the way down to landing.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		That would be pretty cool.
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		That will be cool.
		And what they're going to look at is they're going to do spectroscopic analysis remote control with the cameras, which can actually look through various filters.
		And they'll look for various interesting rocks that look unusual and different and anomalous.
		And then they'll roll over with the wheels to the rock, and then they'll sample the rocks, and they'll do this for a year or two.
		Or actually they're planning 90 days for the nominal mission.
		We all know that these things last longer.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		There is nothing on this particular mission and spacecraft that will discern biological life, is there?
unidentified		No, no, there is nothing.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		That was on the other one.
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		That's on Beagle 2.
		And as I said, when we have more time sometime, I think I figured out what happened to Beagle 2, but it's much too long and complicated and intriguing a story to get into tonight.
		But just put that on your to-do list.
		I think I figured it out.
		This lander does not carry any life detection experiments.
		It only carries environmental experiments.
		But depending upon your model, depending upon what you think happened to Mars, the data can move you down one canyon or another canyon in terms of various models.
		Now, the coolest part about this is the serendipity factor.
		Since we're dealing with the honest folks at NASA, I mean, just look at their faces.
		These are an astonishing achievement by a tremendous group of people.
		And I've got to take my hat off to them.
		I was sitting here thinking before how different it was in the old days where I would have to get on an airplane and fly across the country.
		Of course, nowadays I could sit in my living room.
		I've got the computer here.
		I've got the TV on.
		I've got NASA, television by satellite.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Well, as I was saying, Richard.
unidentified		We're there.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		If you can get to CNN, Associated Press Photographer got a wonderful picture of this Asian American in mission control.
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		Yeah, he is the mission commentator.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Well, they caught the picture, believe me.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I mean, it says it all.
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		I've been looking at that shirt all night.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yeah, it says it all.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I mean, they caught him in that picture.
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		Oh, they were dancing around and they were hugging each other.
		You know, I feel so good for them.
		Let me tell you where this audience is going to get some maybe surprisingly cool stuff.
		Since we're in the middle of this ancient basin, which filled with sediments and junk and debris when the catastrophe hit, debris, as you know, when you have flash floods, everything washes downstream.
		So with this rover, it's not inconceivable that we could literally roll up to a piece of debris of a Martian house or a trailer or a wing of an airplane or anything sticking out of the mud.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I have a high confidence level that if we start getting pictures back, you'll be calling me up saying, it's a hammer!
unidentified		Look, a hammer!
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		And the cool thing is that since these guys don't even expect that, I mean, it's so far down on their radar that it's below, you know, there will be no a priori censorship because the neat part is we're supposed to get these pictures live.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yes.
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		And so watch carefully the first panoramas tonight to see what we get because there could be some major surprises.
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		And I'm telling everybody put some tape in and roll tape because as you know with Pathfinder, there were cool things around that lander in 97 and they changed.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		So everybody roll your tape.
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		Exactly.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		All right, I was watching CNN when they were discussing the possibility of life, past or present or whatever, on Mars.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		And the scientist being interviewed said, it's wonderful.
unidentified		He said, it's almost theological.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		And boy, that one stopped me cold in my tracks.
unidentified		It's almost theological.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Well, we're getting close.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		How's it theological?
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		Well, I mean, look, from the mainstream perspective, I mean, forget artifacts, forget former civilizations, forget all the stuff that we all think about and talk about here.
		They're looking at the confirmed existence of a microbe as a theological moment because it would mean, if it was independently evolved, that life happened in two places in the same solar system.
		And as Carl used to say, if that can be confirmed, when you look at the night sky, it means the galaxy is filled.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Teeming with life.
unidentified		Yes.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		No question about it.
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		And it has to run the gamut.
		This could not be the only place where you and I are having this kind of conversation in the universe if that were proven to be correct.
		So, yes, confirming even microbes is a major theological event.
		As you know, that was our conversation in Wisconsin.
		But we're thinking right years beyond microbes, and we have data.
		I mean, one of the ironies is, as I'm sitting watching the coverage, I'm doing some work on some of the face images from the Mars Surveyor.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yes.
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		And I have got an image art that's going to absolutely knock your socks off.
		There is an unequivocal, ancient, eroded building complex.
		And when I put it up on the web and point you to it, you will absolutely 100% say, Dick, that is a building, a ruined building, and it's right next to the face.
		It's right on the eastern side at the base of the face platform.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Are you happy with where they landed, Richard, or would you rather have them know?
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		No, because at best, we're going to get environmental data.
		I mean, if we have the serendipity of coming across a ruined Martian trailer sticking out of the mud, that would be amazing.
		It's not a high probability.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		All right.
		Richard, we're going to wrap it here.
		If anything occurs, I mean, anything over the top occurs during the continuation of the program here, you call me.
		I'll get you on the air.
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		I will be here.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		And if there's any giant surprise, I mean, you know, I'm here tomorrow night, too.
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		But by tomorrow night, we should have some amazing images.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Well, exactly.
		All right, buddy.
		Thank you.
richard c hoagland ▲ ● ▼		Thank you my friend.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		And Good night.
		We're on Mars, baby.
		We're on the red planet, and we're about to open our eyes.
		From the high desert, I'm Art Bell.
unidentified		I know you can see me on your surprise.
		I know that you have'cause there's magic in my eyes.
		I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles.
		I know that you're all in the same place.
		If you think that I don't know about it just today.
		I know that you're all in the same place.
		To talk with Art Bell, call the wildcard line at area code 775-727-1295.
		The first-time caller line is area code 775-727-1222.
		To talk with Art Bell from east of the Rockies, call toll-free at 800-825-5033.
		From west of the Rockies, call 800-618-8255.
		International callers may reach Art by calling your in-country sprint access number, pressing option 5, and dialing toll-free, 800-893-0903.
		From coast to coast and worldwide on the internet, this is Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		All right, one segment of open lines coming up, so if you've got something you want to get on the air, we're as close as your telephone.
		We're on Mars, baby.
		And we're about to open our eyes and we're about to get photographs.
		It really should be something, perhaps even almost theological.
		We'll be right back.
unidentified		We'll be right back.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Not a bad way to begin a program, huh?
		By having America, just as you're starting the program, put a rover down on Mars.
		It's going to be a very exciting time.
		Could go on for even longer, perhaps, than three months, if they're lucky.
		They say, as Richard said, they say three months, but then a lot of times things last longer.
		This could be very exciting indeed.
		First time, Color Line, you're on the air.
		Good evening.
unidentified		Yes, sir, Mr. Bell.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Hi.
unidentified		You're very respected and loved out here in Ottawa Else, California.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Thank you.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Welcome to the program.
unidentified		Thank you, sir.
		I wanted to talk to you real quick about a craft that we believe is the Aurora.
		We've seen it several times behind our house.
		Oh, yes.
		The first time we saw it, it looked like, remember those spaceships they had in Space 1999, that TV series from about 25 years ago?
		I do.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		You're correct.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I have other friends who on a regular basis see the Aurora, so it is up there flying around.
unidentified		I was so proud to see it.
		I've never seen anything that was even close to UFO.
		I saw that.
		It didn't for a second think it was from another world.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Well, that wouldn't be a UFO.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		That would be an IFO.
unidentified		Yes, sir.
		Thank you.
		I saw this and I thought, those military guys are some pretty sharp fellas.
		This thing, it'd go straight up, it'd go sideways, it would hover.
		It was almost surreal to see something move this way.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Well, it's good to know we're still cranking out the new stuff, huh?
unidentified		Yes, sir.
unidentified		Well, a lot of people have seen it, and it's wonderful to be on your show, sir, and you have a good year.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		You have a good year, too.
		It is that, isn't it?
		Also, the beginning of a brand new year.
		But, oh, yes, the Aurora has been rather visible to quite a few people lately.
		Quite a few trips out over the water and back.
		Wild Carline, you're on here.
		Hello.
unidentified		Hi, this is Kim from Utah.
		Hi, Kim.
		And I wanted to talk to you, you know, a little bit about this question of sabotage in outer space that came up last hour.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		All right.
unidentified		And there was a book written by Major Frank Corso, now deceased.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I interviewed Colonel Corso many times.
unidentified		Oh, well, then you know more about him than I do, obviously.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Quite some bit, yes.
unidentified		But, you know, one of the points he made was that there were photos of the dark side of the moon.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Where'd he go?
		Where'd he go?
		Uh, let's try this.
		Are you still there?
unidentified		Yeah.
unidentified		Good.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Okay, there were photos of the dark side of the moon.
unidentified		The dark side of the moon were the rebases of the UFOs.
unidentified		And if, in fact, that was a true statement, then there would be lots of reasons why the U.S. would not want us going to the moon and would conduct whatever shenanigans would be necessary to say we've been there when we had not been there.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Well, I've got to admit, I really have a hard time with this duality thing, this secret government with the secret space program versus the public space program and all of that.
		I've always had a hard time with that.
		I tend to believe what seems simplest.
		And, you know, what seems simplest is we're doing the best we can.
unidentified		Well, I grant you that, and I also have been, you know, agreed with that.
		This evening, I heard some things that made me question my own sanity, but it's hard to think that we'd be lied to that much.
		Nevertheless, there's certainly a lot going on that nobody's talking about.
		There has to be a lot of people.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yeah, I'm with you.
		Thank you very much.
		It's really hard for me to absorb and deal with the fact that we've been lied to again and again and again and so deeply.
		Now, that just may be the prejudice of somebody who was born in 1945 and grew up during the years when the FBI said it, baby, you could take it to the bank.
		And when government officials said things, you automatically believe them.
		Now, I know to many that sounds stupid and foolish, but that is generally the way it was then.
		We've come a long way, baby, and not necessarily in a good direction.
		I mean, we have arrived in a place today where as many people doubt anything said by a high government official as just buy it automatically.
		Maybe even more.
		East of the Rockies, you're on the air.
unidentified		Hello?
		Hello?
		Yes.
		Hello.
		Hello?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Hello again.
unidentified		Are you there?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I am here.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Are you there?
unidentified		Yes, hello.
unidentified		I'm sorry.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Don't be sorry.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Just proceed.
unidentified		I have a concern about people who talking about the resonance between the British probe and the American probe succeeding and the relationship between that and some sort of conspiracy.
		And I like to think less about that and more about how that might be a good thing.
		About how, and as it's been said in books, about there is a reason that we might be lied to.
		So could you speak about that?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		No, I have been, but I really can't.
		I did speak about it as much as I'm going to, really.
		Yes, it could be true that we are simply being lied to on a massive scale.
		But that is not what I tend to believe.
		I guess I'm stuck in the past in that regard, and I tend to trust what my government tells me.
		I'm not quite over the cynical line completely.
		How about you?
		West of the Rockies, you're on the air.
		Hello.
unidentified		Hello, Art.
		This is Seamus in Roener Park, north of San Francisco.
		Welcome.
		Haven't talked to you in a long time.
		It's good to be on the air with you again.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Good to have you.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		What's up?
unidentified		Well, you know, I always love it when you have Richard Hoagland on.
		This guy is so wonderful, you know, to be able to come out and present the materials that he does.
		And one thing I was noticing, and I just read recently in the paper, where, you know, Earth is slowly losing its magnetic field.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		That would seem to be the case, yes.
unidentified		And I also recently read in regards to Mars that it had once a magnetic field and it has lost it.
unidentified		And that its atmospheric depletion was a result of the solar wind hitting the atmosphere because it didn't have that magnetic field to protect it.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Well, that's one possibility.
unidentified		And one thing that just kind of bears to mind in Richard's findings, which again, I applaud him, we're trying to find a connection between us and Mars.
		And I think there is possibly a very direct connection.
		And I really believe that if we really study what happened to Mars and find our link to Mars, that we can see what's happening here on Earth and hopefully avoid what happened to Mars.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Well, I think that's what they're thinking.
		That if we can figure out what happened to Mars, we can perhaps forecast or begin to understand what might happen to us.
		Sure.
unidentified		Oh, yeah.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yeah, that's the idea.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		All right, sir.
unidentified		Keep up the good work, Rob.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Thank you very much.
		Sure.
		That's why, when they had a scientist on, it stopped me cold.
		He said, almost theological.
		Well, almost theological indeed.
		If there's anything, if there is some relic, if it was spotted by the probe that we just landed, fair to call it a probe, right?
		If they verify that there were large amounts of water on Mars, rivers of water, then they're well on their way.
		I mean, where there's air and where there is water, there is probably life.
		So it becomes almost immediately theological, or nearly so.
		First time caller line, you're on the air.
		Hi.
unidentified		Hey, how's it going?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		It's going fine, sir.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Where are you?
unidentified		All right.
		I'm here in Colorado.
		Okay.
		Just wanted to talk a little bit about what's going on up here in the Rocky Mountains.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		What's going on?
unidentified		I was working freelance construction for one of my buddies.
unidentified		We got freelance to go out up into the Rockies and help dig what we were told were water trenches to lay water pipes.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yes.
unidentified		Of course, there's no neighborhoods or houses anywhere.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Right.
unidentified		Excuse me, caught a cold.
		We dug for approximately six feet into the ground with the trenches.
		They went on for about two miles up the hill.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yes.
unidentified		And about four miles down this hill.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		And why were you digging these trenches?
unidentified		Well, we were told that they were going to place water pipes.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Water pipes in them.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Okay, so you were digging.
unidentified		This was a good 120 miles from any houses.
		Okay.
		Anyways, after digging, well, it appeared to be regular construction foremen that were sent out with us.
		And every once in a while, after every couple of feet of digging, they would scan with this thing.
		They told us they were checking to make sure there was nothing, you know, we weren't going to dig up anything or do anything.
		Most of the workers didn't speak English.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Why would they be worried about digging something up if they're like 100 or 200 miles from the closest house?
unidentified		What they told all the workers is they didn't want us to break a cord or a pipe that's already been laid.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Okay.
unidentified		They don't ask a lot of questions.
		Okay.
		Anyways, we were digging for quite a while.
		Eventually, the scanners that they were scanning with started making noises.
		So they jetted us out of there.
		They told everybody, you know, job's done.
		They paid us.
		That day we had actually been digging for about maybe a half hour.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		It was early.
		Slow up a second.
		You and how many people were doing this digging?
unidentified		I know in my group of diggers, I was in charge of six diggers.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Six.
unidentified		And they were us, and then they sent two foremen along.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		And how many groups of diggers were there?
unidentified		That's what I didn't tell us, but from radio conversations I heard later, there were at least six groups of six groupers, or six groups of six diggers.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		No kidding.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yeah.
unidentified		And they were all.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		When were you doing this?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		How long ago?
unidentified		Oh, this was last week.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Last week.
		Yeah.
		And then suddenly they found something with the sensors.
unidentified		Well, I mean, they thought we were all pretty stupid employees.
unidentified		I'm actually a pretty smart guy.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		But bottom line is, they found something.
unidentified		Actually, I think they were looking for something ahead of time.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yes, and when they found something.
unidentified		Right, and when they started scanning whatever they were looking for on their meters, they sent you away.
		They eliminated everybody.
		They paid us for that day in up to a week in time, and they said the whole project.
		They came to us as regular freelance foremen and construction workers and subcontractors.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		And they told you you were digging for water pipes, for placement of water pipes.
unidentified		Right, which was according to my experience.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		How interesting, I wonder if that.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Any idea what they were looking for?
unidentified		Yes, I was good to.
		Anyways, where was I?
		Sorry.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Well, you were about to tell me what they were looking for, because we don't have a lot of time.
unidentified		Right, I'm not exactly sure what they were looking for.
		But I mean, they were really well financed and extreme high-technology equipment.
		And then they dress really poorly in really shoddy shoes and clothes and trucks, beat-up trucks.
		But like in a beat-up truck, at least millions of dollars worth of computer equipment behind the seats of the truck.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		No kidding.
unidentified		Yeah.
		Oh, these guys look like they're poor.
		You know, I was like, are we going to get paid?
		But they're very generous with the money and very well financed.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Anyways, the best.
unidentified		Yeah, I'm sorry.
unidentified		I'm just trying to give you a little bit of information.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Take a deep breath.
		Hold on, sir.
		Hold on.
		Take a deep breath.
		Pause.
unidentified		Yeah.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Where were you, roughly?
		Best as you can describe.
		Where were you?
unidentified		Yes, I'm a subcontracted out of Denver.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Where were you digging?
unidentified		Up in the Rocky Mountains in an area I wasn't exactly familiar with.
unidentified		It's about four hours out of Denver.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Four hours out of Denver.
unidentified		And a good 160, 200 miles away.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		And that's as close as you can identify it.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Were you going north, south, east, west?
unidentified		No, the way they transported all the workers, they said that the only trucks they could rent were these huge moving buses.
unidentified		They were like buses with no windows.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		No windows.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		So you didn't know where you were going.
unidentified		Right.
		And they told us that that reason is because this is all they could afford.
		Which I later assumed wrong when I saw equipment such as just everything they had.
		All right.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		And you spent how long digging, totally?
unidentified		For about two weeks.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Two weeks.
		Two weeks of digging.
		And then suddenly they find something and you're gone.
		Anything else to this, as in what you think they might have been hunting for?
unidentified		Well, what I found out later on from listening to radio transmissions, which is how I found out that they had teams of diggers up there, is what the guys were scanning for was apparently something they lost.
		I couldn't completely understand it.
		But something they had at one time and then they lost.
		They're really, really vague when they talk to each other about things.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		So you don't know, but something they have.
unidentified		Something they think they did have before and they owned it and they knew something about that's gone.
		And now if they don't find it, it's just really horrible to them.
		I mean, no amount of money is going to stop them, you know what I'm saying?
		We later found out that they were government workers and the way we found that out was He just went away.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Or somebody made him go away.
		That was an interesting story, wasn't it?
		I wonder what they were looking for.
		I wonder why he was disconnected like that.
		Interesting.
		Wildcard line, you're on the air.
unidentified		Hi.
unidentified		Hello?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Going once, going twice, gone.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		East for the Rockies, you're on the air.
unidentified		Hi.
unidentified		Hey, how you doing?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I'm doing all right, sir.
unidentified		All right.
unidentified		Yeah, it was kind of interesting how he did get cut off, wasn't it?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yes, yes.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Just at a very critical moment there.
unidentified		Yeah, right.
unidentified		Anyway, I would have rather have heard more of him than what I have to say anyway.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Well, let's try you out since you're here.
unidentified		Okay.
		Nothing.
		Just I think it's pretty neat about what is going on at Mars.
		And, you know, I just don't understand why it seems like so many people are afraid if they do find that there's life or whatever.
		You know, I think so many people think that's going to bother you a bit, huh?
		Well, I mean, I think people are so worried about, like, you know, whatever religious risk it's going to cause.
		But, I mean, you know, I mean, that just, you know, for people to limit, like, whatever is, you know.
		No, not really.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		You're not.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Well, that's probably why it won't bother you.
unidentified		Right, exactly.
		But I'm just saying, I mean, you know, whatever, I mean, you know, people, whatever their God is, is supposed to be, you know, so all-powerful.
		Well, I would think that would encompass like, you know, infinity in the whole universe instead of like, you know, just pinpointing it down to here and being so protective of it, you know?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		That would be my point of view.
		I would not be morally, religiously faith-challenged if I heard there was life on Mars.
		But now there is a big but here.
		I'm going to tell you, just as I've told many others, I get thousands, probably hundreds of thousands of emails.
		And there are a lot of people, I can assure you, that would be very disturbed if it turns out there was life on Mars.
unidentified		Right.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Really, they'd be very disturbed.
unidentified		Yeah, it seems, like I said, it seems like they're limiting themselves that way, that's all.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Well, but that's just the way they are.
		They're very fundamentalists.
		They believe that they're Earth-centric and human-centric, and there can't be life anywhere else.
		We're special.
		We're the only ones.
		And you know who put us there?
		And didn't mention anything about putting anybody else anywhere else.
unidentified		Hey, I was the other night when you were doing the predictions, I like got through and got cut off.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		No, it won't work.
unidentified		They're already locked up and sealed.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		But if you want to mention what you would have said, you're welcome to.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I simply cannot record it officially.
unidentified		I know.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		All right, all right, real quick then.
unidentified		What would you say?
unidentified		You know, I think unfortunately, though, we're going to lose Fidel this year.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Unfortunately?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Are you going to miss Fidel if he exits left?
unidentified		No, not personally.
unidentified		I'm just, you know, I don't want to see anybody have to go, but I think it's going to happen.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Well, if he goes, he'll definitely exit left.
		All right, sir.
		Well, thank you.
		Take care.
		Unfortunately, we're going to lose Fidel.
		All right, when we come back, we'll turn to the lighter side tonight, I think, for a while with a man named Leland Gregory.
		And some of the funniest stuff, and I mean some of the funniest stuff in the world, comes from real life.
		I don't know, because that's how life is.
		It really has its funny moments.
		And he captures that as his business and records it on videotapes, in books, on CDs.
		Coming up after the break, Leland Gregory from The High Desert.
		I'm Art Bell.
unidentified		I'm Art Bell.
		Sweet dreams are made of these.
		Who am I to disagree?
		I travel the world and the seven seas.
		Everybody is looking for something.
		Some of them want to use you.
		Some of them want to get used by you.
		Some of them want to abuse you.
		Some of them want to be abused.
		Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey To talk with Art Bell, call the wildcard line at area code 775-727-1295.
		The first-time caller line is area code 775-727-1222.
		To talk with Art Bell from East of the Rockies, call sole-free at 800-825-5033.
		From West to the Rockies, call ARC at 800-618-8255.
		International callers may reach Art Bell by calling your in-country sprint access number, pressing option 5, and dialing full-free 800-893-0903.
		From coast to coast and worldwide on the internet, this is Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Appropriate bumper music.
		Not all of us play with a full deck all the time.
		Some of us, well, we're a world of different people, as you're about to find out.
		Leland Gregory is a former writer for Saturday Night Live, the co-author of America's Dumbest Criminals, as well as seven other books, including Great Government Goofs, Presumed Innocent Presidential Indiscretions, What's the Number for 911?
		What's the number for 911 again?
		And the national bestseller, of course, the Stupid Crook Book.
		His latest book, Hey Idiot, was released in October of 2003.
		Leland has recently produced a one-hour home video entitled Stupid Crooks Caught on Tape.
		And believe me, the name says it all.
		There are stupid crooks and they're caught on tape.
		It's real criminals, real video, and really stupid.
		Leland has also compiled two audio CDs of Stupid 911 Phone Calls, Wacky 911, Wacky 911 again.
		In addition, he co-wrote the feature film Ernest and the Great Pizza Race as part of a three-picture deal with Disney and optioned the Ian McDeagle story of screenplay to touch tone pictures.
		And we'll have audio for you tonight.
		Some of the very best from Leland coming right up.
		Very briefly and quickly from Lynn Taylor with reference to the man who got cut off, who was a very interesting call.
		He was talking about digging.
		Lynn is in Denver and says, Hi, Mr. Bella.
		I grew up close to where the guy was digging for the pipes.
		I believe he's talking about the area around Center Ridge, south of Glenwood Springs, about 75 miles in the middle of the mountain range we call the flat tops.
		Now, I have no way of knowing.
		West of Delta, it says, I have no way of knowing if that would be accurate at all, but I thought I would pass it along.
		Now, Leland Gregory.
		Leland, welcome back to the program.
unidentified		Well, thanks, Art.
		It's been a long time.
		How are you doing?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		It has been a long time, hasn't it?
		Well, too long.
		That's right.
		So it's great to have you back.
		Leland, a lot of the audience will not have heard our first program together, no question about it.
		So we'll get to some of the material we did on that show a little later in this particular show.
		Tell people essentially what you do and why you began doing it.
unidentified		Well, basically, I collect stupid things.
		Mainly stupid stories, stupid video, and stupid audio of our human race gone bad.
		I basically, I scuba dive in the shallow end of the gene pool.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yes, you do.
		Why do you do that?
		I mean, what set you on this course?
unidentified		It's greed.
		I just want money.
		You know, I'm an American.
		Actually, I came about finding this particular genre completely by accident.
		I was sitting around a coffee table with some friends whining about how talented we were, but at the same time how incredibly broke we were.
		So we came up with a few ideas for TV shows since we were all TV writers.
		One of the ideas was a show called America's Dumbest Criminals.
		And we put out a home video, which did terribly.
		But a local publisher said, hey, you know, the kind of the field of dreams things, if you write it, I will publish it.
		So we wrote it, and he published it.
		Before it hit the stance, I moved to Chicago to train at Second City, which was always a dream of mine.
		And while I was there, I met a man in my class who also turned out to be a writer for the Associated Press.
		And he said, hey, why don't I write a story about your book?
		And I went, okay, that sounds good.
		You know, not knowing what that meant.
		And he wrote the story, and three weeks later, the book was on the New York Times bestseller list and stayed there for 17 weeks.
		And I thought, hey, I think I found a new job.
		There is gold in some stupidity.
		And that was 95.
		And I've been putting out pretty much a book a year since then.
		Like you mentioned, I have two audio CDs and now a one-hour home video called Stupid Crooks Caught on Tape.
		So thank God stupid people breathe or I'd be out of a job there, Art.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Well, true enough.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		And so you wallow in the shallow end of the gene pool.
unidentified		That's me.
unidentified		You like that.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Well, you know, with all the computer stuff I get, you know, if you have a computer, you get it.
		Well, I don't know.
		I get more messages than most people do, but I get thousands of them.
		Nevertheless, when the Darwin Awards come out, when all the stupid lists come out, whenever there's a stupid criminal story, and they're pretty wild on the web, I stop and I read.
		And so why do you think, and surely you've had time to reflect on this, why do you think people really love this stuff?
		And I'm no different.
		I do too.
		Why is it so cool?
unidentified		I refer to it as the banana peel syndrome.
		We as human beings are always so rigid and tight and trying to be proper and try to do the right thing.
		But you see someone slip on a banana peel and you laugh.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		You laugh.
unidentified		And that's what this is.
		It's, you know, someone does something stupid and you go, I'm glad that wasn't me.
		That's about the only, that's the thinnest degree of separation.
		Because, you know, basically, you know, I'm sure you've dealt in your past, it's the only thing that really connects us together as human beings.
		I mean, it transgresses socio-political, economic, geographic, ethnic boundaries.
		I mean, everybody has the ability to do something stupid.
		The people I report on just happen to have done it very well.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Well, I was going to say religion connects us all, but not in the same way.
unidentified		Not in the same way.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		You're right.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I suppose even Al-Qaeda probably at times laugh at each other.
unidentified		He didn't mean to blow himself up.
unidentified		Oh, that was so stupid.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		No, but it is common.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		It is common.
unidentified		Yeah, it is.
		You know, it goes back through time.
		I mean, I'm sure, you know, when we kind of crawled out of the primordial sludge, somebody stepped on somebody's fin.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		You know, also, we're in the age now.
		Well, actually, we're past the age.
		There are video cameras literally everywhere.
		Just about everywhere.
		I mean, they've got security cameras up, and so the opportunity to catch more of this than we used to be able to catch is greater, isn't it?
unidentified		Sure.
		And the global communication system that we have now.
		I mean, you can read a story about some guy in Caracas, Venezuela.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yes.
unidentified		And which, you know, 20, 30 years ago, you never would have known or heard about.
		It wouldn't have been publicized.
		But now it is.
		And, you know, I had one guy in Caracas, Venezuela who made a bet with his next-door neighbor that he could hypnotize a jaguar.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Oh.
unidentified		And he lost that bet.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		And what else?
unidentified		Part of his left arm.
		So that's the example.
		I mean, the book, my newest book, Hey Idiot, I don't keep it within the boundaries of the United States because there's no really need to do that.
		We don't really own, we haven't cornered the market on stupidity.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		No, and I suppose broadcast provides, whether it's television or radio, it also provides a fertile field for combing for the stupid, huh?
unidentified		Oh, yeah.
		And now, of course, you know, like with the advent of the Fox Network, there's so many shows about people doing stupid things.
		It's just, it's commonplace.
		I mean, the news usually, a lot of times, will wrap up their broadcast with a light segment, which is usually video footage of someone, you know, dropping a safe on their foot.
		You know, and so it's everywhere.
		And I think people are going, you know, is this a trend or is this a pandemic or something?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		But it's not.
		Well, all right.
		Let us give them the beginning of a demonstration of what you collect.
unidentified		Okay.
unidentified		Are we going to go to the audio?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		The audio, yeah.
unidentified		Sure.
		The first one took place.
		It's a call-in show in Australia.
		And the guy is talking about his favorite rock and roll group, ACDC, and it's a promotional giveaway to win a motorcycle if you can do one simple thing.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		All right.
unidentified		And he can't.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		You ready for it?
unidentified		I'm ready for it.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		All right.
unidentified		And give that away.
		We're going to draw that on the 17th of March.
		But if you heard it, give us a buzz.
		Let's get call us in, shall we?
		Okay.
		Hello, triple M. Yes, hi.
		Hello.
		What's your name?
		Mark.
		G'day, Mark.
		How you doing?
		Not too bad.
		Mark, where are you from?
		Greenacre.
		Greenacre?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Just a little joke there, Mark.
unidentified		Yes, I know.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		How you going?
unidentified		Not too foul.
		Now, listen, Mark, are you an ACDC fan?
		Yeah.
		Do you have a motorcycle license?
		No, but I'll get one if I win it.
		Okay.
		I'm going to win it.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		You're going to win.
unidentified		You're Going to win.
		I like that confidence.
		Well, okay, we've got to ask you a question, mate, before we can put you in the barrel.
		Yes.
		Okay, spell A C D C A D. Do you believe this?
		A C I'm going to ask you again.
		How do you spell A C D C A D A C Mark?
		One more time, Mark.
		I'll say how do you spell A C D Marcus?
		Mark.
		Mark.
		Mark?
		Yes.
		Yeah, say A C D. How do you spell A C?
		A C D C A A D D C A A D A. Oh, I'm getting this all wrong.
		You are, Mark.
		You are.
		You're getting it seriously wrong, Mark.
		Just tune in.
		Mark is from Greenacre.
		Mark, we're going to give him a copy of ACDC's new album, Step Up and Left, if he can spell ACDC.
		Mark, just spell ACDC.
		A DC is ACDC.
		A C-A-C.
		A C-DC.
		AC.
		Look, chat a second.
		A C-D-C.
		Just say that.
		A C-DC.
		Mark, it wasn't that hard.
		Okay, Mark, not only that, we're going to give you a copy of your favourite ACDC album.
		Do you have a favourite copy?
		Anything in ADDC?
		Good.
		Well, get it right one of those.
		Okay, how about we give you a copy of Back and Black, which is fantastic.
		We'll play you in ACDC track.
		All right, mate?
		Hey, cool.
		Okay, now, Mark, you're in the draw for the Harley-Davidson 883 Sportster.
		It's all thanks to ACDC's new album, Step Up the Lift, and Fraser Motorcycles.
		We'll draw that on Friday, March 17th.
		Mark, good luck.
		Fun with dyslexia.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		God.
		That's really...
		That's...
unidentified		No, I could not figure that one out.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		You know what's really sad?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I know people like that.
unidentified		Yeah, I'm actually related to a few of them.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Really do.
		I mean, no matter what.
		God, how could that?
unidentified		Yeah, it's like spell A-C.
		C-T-T-C.
		You know, it's not like it's a word.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I'll tell you this.
		I don't know whether those were morning guys or not, but probably were.
		They sounded like a bunch of morning guys in Australia.
		But American morning guys, they would not have been that kind.
unidentified		No, they would have given him an, you know, well.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yeah, they'd have definitely torn it up, Lee.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		No question about it.
unidentified		But that's the kind of people that I research and do.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Now, how do you get something like that?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I mean, does somebody in Australia write?
unidentified		Somebody in Australia send us that one.
		Really?
		Yeah.
		I mean, we've got, being on your show and all the other shows, I've got a pretty good reach now, and I'm fairly well known as the go-to guy in stupidity, which I'm very proud of.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Now, there's money in stupidity for you.
		How about people who come up with clips like that?
		I mean, when they give one to you, how do you proceed?
		Do they make any money out of it?
unidentified		Usually they just give it to me because they can't believe it have it either.
		Yeah, I don't, you know, I've never said no when it comes to paying somebody for something, but no one's really asked me to.
		I've had tons of 911 operators who were just great and not only gave me free stories and saying, hey, this was my favorite story, but they would also say, hey, I've got audio and, you know, share it with the world.
		Let them know what we're up against.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		How does that work legally?
		In other words, take a 911 tape, for example.
		If it's a good one, is it public domain?
unidentified		It is.
		It's public domain, and they're all available through the Freedom of Information Act.
		I'll be darned.
		But the only thing is, the hardest thing, of course, is to obtain them.
		You have to say what the 911 center came into and exactly what time it came in.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Well, I was a 911 operator for Monterey County for about a year.
		And I can tell you that I don't think there would be a 911 operator who would not tell you they've got not just one, but probably a whole bunch of calls.
		And all you've got to do is note the time and save them and get them taken off the big tape.
		And so, yeah, I'll bet 911 operators all over America could point you toward good stuff.
unidentified		Yeah, now one thing I did find is that I thought exactly that.
		I thought, oh, you know, I'll call these operators.
		You know, I didn't call them individually.
		I didn't go, oh, 911.
		I went through their captains or the communications center or their associations and things like that.
		But a lot of the times what would happen is the operator, when I would actually speak to a dispatcher, they would say, you know, I get so many stupid calls, I really can't remember.
		Because according to the National Association for, you know, the I forgot the title for them, but they're the main association for 911 communications operators.
		It's between 65 and 70 percent of all the calls that come in are frivolous or non-emergency phone calls.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Well, that's worth thinking about all by itself, isn't it?
unidentified		Yeah, it's pretty frightening because, you know, the 911 operators, one of the problems I had to begin with, Art, was when I would contact the 911 centers, they were very reluctant to help me at all because they've been beaten by the media so often by, you know, they're not responsive.
		911 is stupid.
		And, you know, it took 12 minutes to get an ambulance to my house.
		They're so used to that kind of negative media until they realize, hey, I'm on your side.
		And I just want to hear stories about stupid people.
		And what they told me, when they told me that statistic, it's like, well, no wonder the 91 system is clogged and slow.
		You've got people that call.
		I had a 14-year-old boy call.
		He was complaining that there was stuff coming out of his stomach.
		So they sent paramedics out with anti-evisceration uniforms, you know, the face shields and the gloves and all that.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		They thought his guts were coming out.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		What?
unidentified		He called because he had belly button lit, and it scared him.
		And he called nice.
		Yeah, that's the kind of calls they get more than the guy who has his hand stuck in the garbage disposable.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		His belly button lit.
unidentified		His belly button lit.
		I've never been there before.
		It scared me.
		But seriously, and that's not even a bizarre example.
		That's just kind of one that I pulled out of the top of my head.
		I've had them call.
		I had a lady call because they wanted the operator, the paramedics, to come and help her flip her mattress.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		No.
unidentified		I had one, an actual call, and here, this is a good transition.
		The next piece of audio that we have is a prime example of some of the calls that 911 operators get.
		This lady wanted help with a minor appliance.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		A minor appliance.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		How long is this?
unidentified		Probably two or three minutes.
unidentified		You want to take a break?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yeah, we better hold it for the break.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		We may be right up on it or within three minutes at least.
unidentified		The big car wrecks, there's a man in my house with a gun.
		Those calls come in so much less frequently than the ones I had a guy call, and the operator said, 911, what's your emergency?
		He said, you got to help me.
		My wife's having a baby, and her contractions are coming two minutes apart.
		The operator said, calm down, sir.
		Tell me, is this her first child?
		And he said, no, you idiot.
		This is her husband.
		I had another guy call, and the operator said, 911, what's your emergency?
		He said, you got to help me.
		I've been shot.
		I've been shot.
		The operator said, I'm sorry, you said you were shot?
		He said, yeah, I've been shot.
		I've been shot.
		She said, how many times were you shot?
		He said, oh, this is the first time.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		All right.
		We will in a moment get to some of this audio for you.
		I did work 911 for about a year.
		But you know, maybe it's that you don't actually remember the dumb ones because there were so many.
		I guess you could be right about that.
		I remember a lot of serious ones.
		I'm Mark Bell, and we'll be right back.
unidentified		Inside the river where you were to meet me On the ground your glove I found with a note Address to me.
		It's red to your love.
		I've done you wrong.
		I've set you free.
		No longer can I live with you.
		I'm going to go.
		I'm going to go.
		To talk with Art Bell, call the Wild Guard line at area code 775-727-1295.
		The first-time caller line is Area Code 775-727-1222.
		To talk with Art Bell from east of the Rockies, call toll-free at 800-825-5033.
		From west of the Rockies, call 800-618-8255.
		International callers may reach ART by calling your in-country sprint access number, pressing option 5, and dialing toll-free 800-893-0903.
		From coast to coast and worldwide on the internet, this is Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Can you imagine being a paramedic of some sort, an emergency paramedic, rushing to somebody's house to save their insides, which have reportedly been falling out, and finding out when you got there that it was a guy with belly button lint.
		Encountering his own belly button lint for the first time in his life.
		And he calls 911.
		911.
unidentified		Hmm.
		Ha ha ha.
		Ha ha.
		Ha ha ha.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Good morning.
		We've got a lot of good news to celebrate.
		Leland Gregory is here, who will help us in a moment, but we are now indeed beginning to get the first pictures back from the rover.
		The Spirit is already sending back photographs.
		So it looks like we're really in business.
		And now for a time, they're going to be calibrating the cameras.
		But ladies and gentlemen, we're on Mars.
		This is very exciting.
		And these are stereo cameras that are going to give us incredible pictures of the surface area that they've landed in on Mars.
		So it's going to be a very exciting time.
		Good for us.
		Leland, welcome back.
unidentified		Well, thank you, Art.
		That's so cool.
		My son is six and a half years old and just started really getting interested in space and the planets.
		In fact, we're working on a book together called the Planets Party.
		And so he was just really excited to hear that we'd landed on Mars today.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		It's going to be a good period of time.
		He'll be seeing new photographs of Mars now every day.
		It should be very exciting.
unidentified		So great.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Anyway, let us proceed now with the audio that we were going to do.
		Set it up.
		We're about to hear what?
unidentified		Yeah, this is an actual 911 call from a typical kind of call.
		You know, we talked about the guy who asked for help with the belly button lint.
		And I said, you know, they asked to flip mattresses.
		They called to say, where can I throw away my Christmas tree?
		I had one lady call and say, I think I left my coffee pot on.
		Could you go back and check?
		And this is the type of call.
		This is from a woman, actual 911 call to a 911 dispatcher asking for help with a minor appliance.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Here we go.
unidentified		Hi, Mel.
		Can I help you?
		Yes.
		Would you tell me how to put batteries in my little fan here?
		It says I have a AA batteries, and on here it says one AA plus, and then the bottom says plus AA1.
		Okay, how do I do that?
		Did you open it up where the batteries go in?
		Yes.
		Okay, is there any directions as far as which one, because do you see where the plus is?
		I see where it's a little round flow.
		Are you having trouble putting them in the right way?
		And I don't know how to put them in.
		Okay.
		Well, why don't you try putting them in make sure that the bump is?
		Right.
		That should be where it says plus.
		Yeah.
		Wherever it says plus, that should be where the bump is.
		That one says one AA plus.
		One or two batteries.
		Two.
		Two batteries?
		Yes.
		And the one at the bottom says plus A1.
		And the battery has a plus on it.
		And the other battery has a plus on it.
		Well, the plus is referring to the side of the battery, like the top part where the bump is.
		I see.
		Is it in the same way?
		What I mean exactly the same way.
		It's not going to work.
		Take them out and switch them around and see if that works.
		Okay.
		All right.
		Thank you, ma'am.
		Well, you're so welcome.
		God bless you.
		Okay, God bless you, too.
		Bye-bye.
		Bye-bye.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yeah, you know, the funny part is, this lady, the operator, didn't even miss a beat.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I could not have held myself together.
unidentified		Well, and I think that goes, and I know this particular dispatcher, she's a very nice lady, and I think the thing is she's so used to getting calls from non-emergency calls, from slightly addled people who think 911 is kind of like the trivia pursuit of phone calls.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I wonder, and I should know the answer to this question, but I actually don't, even having to work there, I wonder how they handle persistently.
		I mean, I can remember there were people who would call up in the middle of the night just to talk, to have company.
		Right.
		And that's really awful.
		And I don't remember how we handle.
		I think we just sort of nursed those people along.
unidentified		Yeah, and I've heard several of them.
		They'll start saying, well, hey, Cheryl, how you doing?
		You know, you can't keep calling, sweetie.
		You know, they're very kind because they know the person is usually old, addled, or lonely.
		Well, so they're not trying to be mean.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		A lot of patience is going to have to go with that job description.
unidentified		Well, yeah, I mean, it's probably you need psychological training.
		You have to have the patience of a saint.
		I mean, why would you do a job like that if you're a mean person anyway?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		When you do a job like that, usually you need psychological help.
unidentified		Okay.
unidentified		I wasn't going to go there, Art, but since you were former 911 disk diagnoser, I can do that.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		That's right.
unidentified		But really, they have.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Let me tell you the truth about the real kind of serious truth, Leland, about 911.
		I did it for a year, and I left because it was too much, Leland.
		I'm really serious about that.
		You know, you're hearing the lighter side of it here tonight, but I can assure you there were lots of life and death situations that did happen, children, that kind of thing.
		And I'm the kind of person who took that stuff home with me at night.
		And after a year, I said, you know what?
		I won't live long if I do this because I can't shake it off.
		I just can't give it up.
		A good 911 operator has to become somewhat immune to the serious side of life.
unidentified		Yeah, and I'm not sure exactly how they do that.
		I mean, I've listened to some of the calls that you're talking about.
		It was something that I would never publish because they're not funny.
		They're not funny.
		I mean, there's been absolutely nothing funny about that.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		But, I mean, that's really a tough job.
		Nevertheless, what we are doing tonight is a funny part of it, thank goodness.
		And so what's going on?
unidentified		Well, the next one is, again, an actual 911 phone call from a very distraught gentleman who and I found out that he is actually seeing these insects.
		He's not dreaming them up.
		And if there's someone that claims that this animal is not an insect, forgive me.
		I'm not an entomologist.
		But anyway, so he calls 911 with a question about all the things he sees floating in the air.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Really?
		Okay.
		Let's take a listen.
unidentified		911 emergency.
		Okay.
		Mostly you people are a bunch of bullshit.
		But if you'd like to do something that's really worthwhile, get it onto the TV news stations at 6 o'clock and let the public know where the hell all these butterflies came from today.
		Is that clear enough?
		Butterflies?
		Yes.
		Where did they come from?
		Where did they come from?
		You have a problem the police officers can help you with, sir?
		What's that?
		You have a problem the police officers can help you with?
		Hello, no.
		I just want to know where.
		And so does everybody else.
		Where did all the butterflies come from today?
		Do you know little butterflies that fly through the air?
		I have no idea, sir.
		Well, get on TV news people and tell them they're supposed to know.
		But try and get in, try and get into a news station.
		You can't do it.
		You can't do it.
		Goodbye.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Doesn't that make you just want to rush right down and apply for a job as a 911 operator?
unidentified		It does, doesn't it?
		Because, you know, they treat them so well.
		Every 911 center I've seen is usually in the basement with no windows, concrete walls.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Have you ever tried to have a talk with somebody who's been enjoying the spirits for the entire evening?
		He's probably between Blackout and consciousness somewhere when he makes a call like that.
		It's part of the job description.
		You're going to talk to people who are, let's face it, folks, skunked.
unidentified		Yeah, exactly.
		That's a good word to describe that.
		That starts with S. I would have used another one.
		But that's why you're there and I'm here.
		But yeah, I mean, I can't even talk to people.
		And I used to do that a lot.
		I used to drink a lot.
		So I've been those people.
		I've never made 911 calls.
		But I mean, I know the type of person how people talk, you know, and everything's so important.
		And you know, and you won't believe and you can't understand.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		It does tend to bring out the confrontational side of a lot of people.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Very confrontational indeed.
unidentified		Big time.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Too bad you didn't have audio on that belly button lynn.
		I mean, that's incredible.
		To have been there when the medics came rushing in, that would have been worth quite a bit.
unidentified		Yeah.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Anyway, I'm stuck on that for some reason.
unidentified		It's interesting.
		I mean, it's something that you wouldn't think, especially because I can imagine the boy had left the door open for the paramedics to come in.
		He was lying flat on his back on the couch, not moving.
		Here comes the paramedics in their gloves and their suits and all that.
		I'm sure they look like something out of E.T. and they say, Jim, did a full examination.
		And then they finally asked him, you know, you said, where is the problem?
		He said, right here.
		And it was, you know, belly button man.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		All right, onward.
unidentified		The next call is a very interesting question that a mother proposes to the 911 operator.
unidentified		Not being familiar with the laws of the community, she wanted to make sure what her son was suggesting was legal.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I see.
unidentified		Here we go.
		911.
		This dispatch.
		Oh, are you an officer?
		I'm a dispatcher.
		Oh, how are you tonight?
		I'm fine.
		Good.
		You'll laugh at me if I ask you a question.
		Okay.
		This is kind of stupid.
		But my friend wants to know if she could take one of the homeless men off the street and live with him.
		Would it be against the law?
		If it would be against the law?
		Uh-huh.
		No, it's not.
		If they had sex, would it be against the law?
		No.
		It wouldn't.
		Uh-uh.
		Months they both agree.
		Oh, that's great, buddy.
		what a great bob uh...
		you know i think there was a prank your decision was She sounded a little too sincere.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		love that you can hear in the police were at the bar right at the end i heard where i mean she's God help us.
unidentified		It's frightening.
		And it's such a bizarre question.
		You kind of think, well, usually those print colors aren't so clever.
		You know what I mean?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yeah, she sounded...
unidentified		But that's such an interesting and unique question, that it's probably...
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I guess.
unidentified		You never can tell.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yeah, you never can tell is right.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		All right.
unidentified		Well, the next one's not actually a 911 call, but it is a police traffic stop.
		And you were mentioning about people who have had a little too much to drink.
		This man was pulled over for drunk driving and was answering some routine questions, and I thought he gave such a clever answer to one of the questions that I thought your audience would like to hear it.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Here we go.
unidentified		Man, I didn't do nothing wrong.
		Get your truck stuck out here in the field.
		You're out here driving the truck and you're drunk.
		I'm going to have to take a couple tests for me.
		Can't back here.
		I can't.
		You can't?
		Why not?
		Well, what's your level of education?
		I got 20 years of education.
		graduated You graduated 10th grade twice.
		Yeah.
		So you got 20 years of education.
		Yeah.
		Yeah, I'm drunker skunk.
		I graduated 10th grade twice.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Oh, geez.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Where do they...
unidentified		Yeah, now with all the lawsuits and all that, of course, you know that all police officers have to have dash cam.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yeah, that's right.
unidentified		And the dash cam, and that officers are now mic'd so that if there's any problem when they go to court, they can say, well, let's look at the videotape, and you'll see that you're guilty.
unidentified		And this guy, of course, was obviously guilty.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		All right, so now in America, most stops are either taped or taped one way or the other, huh?
unidentified		Right, yeah.
		Simply because there's this, you know, they'll say, hey, the cop abused me.
		And then it's just their word against the police officers, but now they'll have audio and video and say, hey, you know, why waste the court's time, roll the footage, the guy's falling down.
		He's obviously drunk.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		But see, there is an example of an entirely different kind of drunk.
		That kind of drunk you laugh at.
		I mean, they're actually funny, and they're harmless, and they're funny.
		I don't suppose there's anything funny about overutilizing the spirits, but yeah, there are some people who get drunk that way, and that is funny.
unidentified		Yeah, well, I mean, you've got to give the guy credit.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I do, actually.
unidentified		I mean, I'm sure the police officers have heard so much.
		You know, like you said, they get confrontational.
		It's like, you don't know anything, blah, blah, blah.
		This guy's just, you know, hey, I'm drunk.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		In fact, I'll do that one again.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Hold on.
unidentified		Man, I didn't do nothing wrong.
		Get your truck stuck out here in the field.
		You're out here driving the truck and you're drunk.
		All right, I'm going to have to take some tests for me.
		Stand back here.
		I can't.
		You can't?
		Why not?
		Well, what are you doing?
		I'm drunk, man.
		What's your level of education?
		I've got 20 years of education.
		I graduated 10th grade twice.
		Okay.
		You graduated 10th grade twice.
		Yeah.
		So you've got 20 years of education.
		Yeah.
		Drunker gun.
		It's See, it's just, and you hear the cop laughing.
		It's like, you know, I know you're drunk.
		The guy's obviously drunk.
		He's a danger to the community.
		But he's funny.
		Give him a break.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		He made me laugh.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I wonder what happened to the guy.
unidentified		I'm sure they took him to jail.
unidentified		I'm sure he amused his salmates.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		He was out in the middle of a field, he said?
unidentified		Yes, apparently he had been so drunk that he drove his car out into the middle of a field.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I see.
unidentified		And then that's how he got pulled.
unidentified		I mean, the guy was obviously, I mean, he even said, I'm drunker than a skunk.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Oh, yeah.
unidentified		You know, so he was.
unidentified		But anyway, he got taken off the road, but didn't give the cop any trouble.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		By percentage, how many of these clips come from people who are under the influence, in your best estimation, of something?
unidentified		Oh, a lot.
unidentified		I would say around 80%, especially the traffic stops.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		80%?
unidentified		Yeah, this is just an estimate of, you know, my humble opinion, but I've seen a lot of the dash cam footage.
		And a lot of times, you know, the one or the only reasons you would pull someone over, of course, is if they were driving erratically or they had an expired tag.
		I had one guy, I have the audio for it, but I didn't send it to you because it's basically him screaming.
		But he was pulled over.
		And for a routine traffic stop, the police said, hey, there's been a lot of problems in the area.
		Do you mind if we look in your trunk?
		And of course the guy could have said no.
		You know, they didn't have probable cause.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Right.
unidentified		And the cops would have said, okay, move on.
		He said, sure, go ahead.
		So he gave him the keys.
		They opened the car, opened the trunk, 15 pounds of marijuana.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		15 pounds.
unidentified		15 pounds.
		So they put him in the back seat of the patrol car.
		And of course, the patrol car is Mike.
		And he starts thinking about what he did.
		And it's just five minutes of him screaming.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Actually, Leland, you know what?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		You did send that.
unidentified		Oh, did I?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yeah, that was one of the funniest things I ever heard.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I seem to recall he was screaming something that wasn't particularly arable.
unidentified		Every now and then, but usually it was a plea to a higher power.
		Oh, my God!
		Oh, my God!
		How could I have done it?
		Exactly.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		He was half crying, right?
unidentified		Yeah, and he was like, oh, my God, no, no.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I remember that one.
unidentified		You know, he was trying to wake himself up from a bad dream, and then the cop comes back over and says, are you saying anything to me?
		And he goes, no, I'm just freaking out.
		Yeah, exactly.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		All right.
unidentified		Well, I just said that.
		I guess it's not in with.
		You said that maybe a year ago, Leland.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		But he did say a lot of things that we probably couldn't air.
		Leland Gregory is my guest.
		stupid stuff is what we're done covering this night as the pictures come sailing in from the
unidentified		sea.
		Can you hear my heartbeat in this garden?
		You know that behind all this corner lies the tea desire.
		I'm away.
		this year was all about drama the side of the touch of the sentence and the flowers to be covered and then to pass up Through tarmac to the sun again.
		Or to fly to the sun without burning a wing.
		To lie in the meadow and hear the grass sing.
		All these things in our memories hold.
		From the user to help us to find...
		Yeah!
		Five, five has his own Take this place.
		I'll be straight.
		Just for me.
		One more.
		Take a big ride.
		I'm a sea.
		It's a free.
		Wanna take a ride?
		To talk with Art Bell, call the wildcard line at area code 775-727-1295.
		The first-time caller line is area code 775-727-1222.
		To talk with Art Bell from east to the Rockies, call toll-free 800-825-5033.
		From west to the Rockies, call 800-618-8255.
		International callers may reach ART by calling your in-country sprint access number, pressing option 5, and dialing toll-free 800-893-0903.
		From coast to coast and worldwide on the internet, this is Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Top of the morning.
		We, as in the U.S., as in us, the United States, we're having a very good day.
		It's on the moon, folks.
		Rover is on the moon taking photographs.
		We have, assuming everything goes well, months of high-resolution pictures of Mars to look forward to.
		So we're celebrating that with Leland Gregory, and I found something.
		Did you hear Leland talking just before the break about something he had not sent me tonight, but that was awfully funny?
		Well, he's right about that.
		It is a riot.
		There's this guy who gets busted for having, I don't know, like six pounds of dope marijuana in his trunk.
		And he's drunk on top of that, I guess.
		And the cops stop him, ask him if they can look in the trunk.
		And like an idiot, he says, yeah.
		And then they leave him alone.
		And what ensues is one of the funniest things you're ever going to hear.
		I kept all of the things that Leland sent to me, even if we didn't air it.
		tell you what in a moment will air it What I'm about to play, before even asking Leland, can put you on the floor, so be careful, is really funny.
		This is really funny.
		Six pounds a pot, of course, is a great deal of pot.
		And what you're about to hear is this guy in the back of the police car, after he realizes the magnitude of what he had just done in telling the cops, no, go ahead and open the trunk, it sort of dawns on him a little late, but believe me, it definitely dawns.
		I guess the mic is in the patrol car.
unidentified		Here you go.
		Sir, I hate to inform you that you're under arrest for possession of a large quantity of marijuana with signing the trunk.
		I want you to wait in the squad car while we search the rest of your vehicle.
		God on me.
		Oh, I can't believe it.
		Oh, no.
		No!
		God, I can't believe it!
		Oh my God!
		Oh!
		Oh my God!
		Oh!
		Oh, my God!
		Help me!
		Help me, God!
		Help me!
		Oh, my God!
		Oh!
		Oh!
		No!
		Please!
		No!
		Please!
		No!
		No, please!
		God Almighty!
		No, please!
		Please!
		No!
		No!
		Oh, God!
		Help me!
		Help me!
		Do you sense regret here?
		Oh, God, oh, God.
		What was that?
		You ought to let you know through the street coming.
		Why not?
		You do that?
		Yeah, it's sure not.
		I know it.
		Yelling at me.
		So sad, but true.
		Now, you kind of feel sorry for the guy, but then it's a little bizarre.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Well, and yet, you know, it's understandable.
		I mean, it's actually understandable when you realize not only how stupid you just were, but what the big right-hand turn your life took.
		And a little regret there?
		Yeah, maybe.
unidentified		A little bit, yeah.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		See, so as you can see, I saved the CV.
unidentified		You are an amazing guy.
		That was great.
		Because I sent that to you a while ago.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Oh, months and months and months and months and months ago, yeah.
		That was funny.
		That really was funny.
		All right, well, let's get back to one that you sent me.
unidentified		Okay.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Where are we here?
unidentified		Okay, the next one, it's track six.
		This took place in Maine.
		And it's a police stop.
		And you had mentioned sometimes how they get very irate.
		Well, this guy gets very irate.
		It's heavily censored.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Oh, is it?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		All right, number six.
unidentified		Can I explain it to you, sir, so you'll know what you need to do?
		I know what I do.
		You're ripping me off, and I didn't deserve it because I did do nothing wrong.
		You're probably sitting on pipeline and driving right back and forth to get somewhere in the 40 miles of whatever frigg it is.
		I never saw the sign.
		I saw it 55, and I was doing 57.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		That's all I know.
unidentified		Now, just give me the damn thing, and I'll look at the date.
		If I'm working, I'll pay the fucking fine because I can't afford to take a day off.
		And if I'm not working, I'll plead not guilty because I know fucking well I'm not guilty.
		Just give me the damn thing and let me get out of here.
		What I need you to do is sign the X so I can explain this to you.
		It ain't no explaining.
		I got picked up for speeding before.
		You're guilty and you paid the fine and hope your insurance don't go up.
		And you try not to speed the next time.
		And that's what I've been trying to do for four or five years and it's worth damn good until I run into you, you asshole.
		Green copies for your record, sir.
		Point copy needs to be mailed in within 20 days.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Okay.
unidentified		I get bills in the mail all the time.
unidentified		I didn't need to look at it.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		All right, just tell me what I do.
unidentified		Lincoln court?
		No.
		Where?
		Read the instructions here.
		This says you have 20 days to respond to this summons.
		Read the back of this hard copy.
		This will explain how you can have a trial if you want to.
		On the back, that'll explain it.
		Attached as an envelope.
		See?
		Put a stamp on that.
		You mail that in.
		They'll tell you what to do.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I can afford the stamp.
unidentified		The fine's right here, sir.
		It's $137.50.
		You're fucking crazy!
		I damn!
		You're crazy!
		My wife took money over her!
		You have a telegram to paint my finger, so I wouldn't have picked up buttons.
		You're fing crazy!
		If you don't pick this up, sir, I'm going to summon you for littering.
		I picked this 100!
		Are you fucking crazy?
		I wasn't even meaning, you fucking damn hoe!
		He's a fucking ain't right!
		I've never heard of a sign like that in my life, you fucking damn hoe!
		You fucking hoe!
		Let me get the f ⁇ out of your life, you fucking dead, miserable f ⁇ ing!
		He's afraid!
		I'm giving you a warning on the fail to produce insurance.
		That's expired.
		Didn't I give you another one?
		No.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		My wife told me it was expired today.
unidentified		She went and paid her taxi and only paid her.
		I'll have to plead guilty if I got to work because I can't take the court and take the day off.
		Now, just give me the damn thing and let me get out of here.
		I didn't do nothing wrong, and I know I did.
		Now let me get the f*** out of here.
		I ain't in no hurry, but I did want to get some kills for my dog.
		Bye.
		The strangest thing in there, he said, I ain't in no hurry, but I did need to get some pills for my dog.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		You know, I heard that.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		You know, that cop was playing him all the way.
unidentified		Oh, yeah.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I mean, playing him all the way.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		He knew he had one on his hands, and he just played perfectly with him, yeah.
unidentified		And it's so funny because the guy sounds like Cliff Clavin.
		He's trying to help you with this.
		Yeah.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		He knew he had a classic on his hands.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		You could actually hear him playing it.
unidentified		Well, that one is actually in Maine that is used in police training to show officers how to deal with an unruly person.
		It's very funny, and that's a real one.
		So like I said, that was from a police dash cam.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yeah, I'm sure.
		That guy knew he had a classic.
		I'm telling you, he was playing it.
unidentified		Oh, yeah.
		Oh, yeah.
		I believe you.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yeah.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Anyway, all right, fine.
unidentified		Let's plow forward.
		The next one is a 911 call from a man who, well, I don't know how to explain it.
		He has itchy legs.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Itchy legs.
unidentified		Yeah.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Itchy legs.
unidentified		There you go.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Here we go.
unidentified		Look, my legs itch so bad.
		I think I'm going to go crazy.
		Okay, your legs itch very bad.
		Are you missing me?
		I sure am.
		All right.
		My legs are itching so bad.
		You're driving me crazy.
		I would like to speak to them, please.
		Thank you.
		Here, let me transfer you.
		Hold on, please.
		Fire emergency?
		Hello.
		Is this the medics?
		This is the fire department.
		The fire department?
		Uh-huh.
		I have no fire.
		I have no fire.
		Okay, you need paramedics?
		Excuse me?
		Do you need paramedics?
		I don't know what I mean by pedamatics.
		I don't know.
		My legs.
		My legs hitch me something terrible.
		It's been left over two or three days.
		My breathing is fine.
		My legs hitch me something terrible.
		My legs, that's right.
		I've been through that.
		I work on my legs.
		You understand?
		I'm not going crazy.
		I've been on hand.
		Just my legs.
		Any pain, Doc?
		Any pain?
		Just a very bad itch.
		Okay, we'll be right there, okay?
		Now, look, I don't want to spend a lot of money on handlings and things like that, because anything so my legs ach me very bad.
		That's fine.
		You can call the paramedics when they get there, okay?
		Thank you.
		Okay, well fine.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		He doesn't want to spend a lot of money?
unidentified		Right.
unidentified		Well, I guess he doesn't realize that, you know, you get a free ride at the hospital if you have itchy legs.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Oh, incredible.
unidentified		It's amazing, isn't it, Art?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yes.
		It makes me so glad that I'm not doing that anymore.
		I mean, what you're hearing, this stuff really does come, folks.
		I mean, it really does.
		The actual number by percentage of people that are dysfunctional in one way or another in America is a little frightening.
unidentified		Very.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		It really is.
		A little frightening.
		And you get an imbalance when you work in a 911 system.
		You really begin to think even a greater, you know, like 80% maybe in one way or another dysfunctional.
		It doesn't seem that way.
		Because you get a lot of these kind of calls.
unidentified		Exactly.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Okay.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Well, what's next?
unidentified		Well, I just wanted to let people know that if they're where they can get all this stuff before we go too further.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yeah, actually, it's not just audio that you have.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		You have books as well.
unidentified		Yeah, books and videos.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		So fire away, plug.
unidentified		They're all available, if you don't mind my plug at realwacky.com.
		R-E-A-L, realwacky.com.
		You can get the audio CDs that you're hearing now, the video, Stupid Crooks Caught on Tape, my new book, Hey Idiot, and lots of other stuff at realwacky.com.
		Or you can call toll-free at 1-866-754-8273.
		That's 1-866-754-8.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Some of these are so funny.
		I remember the one that absolutely killed me.
		I guess we'll play it later.
unidentified		I think I know which one you're talking about.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I know that you do.
		It's the gag one.
		The guy's gagged, and he's calling 911.
		And that is, in my estimation, the single funniest 911 call ever made.
		Now, it could be that there's better, but I haven't heard.
unidentified		I mean, that one's pretty darn good.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		We'll get to that, folks.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Anyway, all right, what have we got coming up?
unidentified		Let's see.
		Okay, speaking of itching, this is another traffic stop.
		And the man is arrested for public drunkenness and is being given a field sobriety test and a questionnaire.
		But he has a problem with a part of his body that's itching and keeps asking for help.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Here we go.
unidentified		Under Florida law, you are required to take chemical or physical breath tests to determine the alcoholic content of your blood and or breath.
		Hey, my nuts itch.
		Can I squeeze them real quick?
		So, where are you going finish?
		Damn.
		They itch.
		Under Florida law, you are required to take chemical or physical breath tests to determine the alcoholic content of your blood and or a urine test to detect the presence of a chemical or controlled.
		They itch.
		No, no, no, I don't.
		You understand?
		If you refuse to take chemical or physical breath tests or the urine test, your driving privileges will be suspended for one year for a first refusal.
		They itch!
		In 18 months, if you have previously refused these tests.
		Additionally, your refusal is submitted into evidence against you in any criminal or administrative proceedings.
		Do you understand?
		This ain't funny.
		Okay, I'm going to interpret this as a Refusal.
		No, I'm not.
		Are you willing to submit the testing?
		You want to take the breath test, mister?
		No.
		Okay.
		Sir?
		You want to forego the other?
		Yes, I do.
		Do stress for nuts.
		No, no, no.
		Due to your combat emissions, we're not going to do the physical performance technology.
		Sir, this time I'm going to conclude this video.
		different in a bit uh...
		You got to love it.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I guess you do.
		Oh, geez.
		And, you know, other than the fact that the one cop couldn't keep a straight face, he sounded young.
		He sounded new on the job.
		And like he was trying to do so.
unidentified		He was trying so hard.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yeah, he really was trying hard, yeah.
unidentified		And it's true.
		It is funny.
		That one is on the video, Stupid Crooks Caught on Tape.
		So you get to see the young officer reading his little pamphlet, trying to keep a straight face.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Some people actually may have seen this on television.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I seem to recall having seen it.
unidentified		It might have been.
		I used it a lot for promoting the book, Hey Idiot, and my book, Stupid Crook Book.
		So it could easily have, you could have seen it there or before.
		The guy is bearded and kind of looks like Charles Manson, and he's dancing around trying to relieve his antagonist.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		You know, that's so stupid.
		I mean, I've got to stop here for a second.
		It's so bad, Delaney, that you would think the man in question, apparently he has no rights at all to that video.
		In other words, that video is community property.
		Is that what it boils down to?
unidentified		On videos like that, what happens is they get obtained by an archive company in England or Canada, and then you have to buy the licensing's right to rebroadcast.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I got that.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		But I guess I'm asking, the guy himself has absolutely no recourse to stop himself from looking like a complete idiot.
unidentified		I guess not.
		I mean, because once he submits, you know, and says, you know, it's okay to videotape this, then he's kind of up in the air.
		All right.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Maybe one more before the bottom of the hour here.
unidentified		Oh, okay.
		You know, well, let's skip the next one because I don't want to get into that one.
		Here's a real quick one on track 10.
		Okay.
		One of the stupid calls that we talked about of people that are asking for dumb things.
		And this guy thinks that 911 is also, I guess, a clever fella calls a yeller.
		Here it goes.
		Now I want emergency.
		Hello?
		Hello?
		Yeah, look at that.
		I'm right here at the age 4.
		And I need a taxi cab.
		I'm with the Carnival.
		Sir, this is the 911 emergency line.
		Ma'am?
		This is 911.
		But every time I call the operator some, I can't get no operator.
		So this is an emergency call line.
		We can't call the taxicab for you on this line.
		Well, what does that mean to the operator?
		To the police department?
		To the operator.
		Zero.
		Okay.
		What's that?
		Oh, geez.
		The number for the operator.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yeah, that's right.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		That should be my next look.
unidentified		What's the number for the operator?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Well, incredible stuff, and we've got a whole night of it.
		And we are going to review some of the ones that we did in a show so long ago now.
		It's been a long, long time.
		Leland Gregory is my guest, and we're examining human life.
		It's actually what we're doing.
		Consider, in some ways, how really very serious that is.
		were examining humanity The heart of the city street is beating.
unidentified		And from the beyond, turn the dark to me.
		We're too hot to think of sleeping.
		We're too hot to think of sleeping.
		I gave you love.
		I thought that we had made it to the top.
		I gave you all I have to give.
		But I didn't have to stop.
		You blow it all sky high by telling me a lie without a reason why.
		You blow it all sky high.
		To talk with Art Bell, call the wildcard line at area code 775-727-1295.
		The first-time caller line is area code 775-727-1222.
		To talk with Art Bell from East to the Rockies, call toll-free at 800-825-5033.
		From West to the Rockies, call ARC at 800-618-8255.
		International callers may reach Art Bell by calling your in-country sprint access number, pressing option 5, and dialing toll-free 800-893-0903.
		From coast to coast and worldwide on the internet, this is Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		It's a wondrous thing when you consider that, you know, this is the same gene pool, arrow, from where the NASA guys who just put a rover, a little robot down on Mars have come from.
		It is the same gene pool.
		Hard to believe, huh?
unidentified		outro music
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Back to the wacky world of Leland Gregory, and it's worth bearing in mind, everybody, that that wacky world I described is ours.
		It's the world we live in.
		So, I don't know.
		As you listen to this, you can laugh, and maybe you can cry.
		There's both of those emotions that are produced by some of this, wouldn't you say, Leland?
unidentified		Yes, I have had both experiences.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yeah, don't you, I mean, you are rolling over reams of this stuff.
		Here, we're just exposing people to a few hours of it, but you get to go through it all the time.
		Doesn't that begin to chip away at your sense of your fellow man?
		Do you find yourself truly wondering if we could be the same people who just put a robot on Mars?
unidentified		Yeah, it does make me wonder.
unidentified		And then, of course, you know, my therapist says that it's very good for my self-esteem to keep doing what I'm doing.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Ah, so you go to a therapist.
unidentified		Yes, and I have to sometimes.
		But yeah, sometimes I do, and a lot of times I think I feel jaded because I've gone through so much.
		But we all have a job to do.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Do you suppose that you ever get so jaded that you pass up something that is actually very funny to someone else?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Have you had that experience where you're sort of down and you go, I don't know about this one, and you sort of put it aside and somebody else thinks it's a riot?
unidentified		Yeah, that has happened.
		Well, just like the one you just aired, the guy who was caught with all the marijuana in his trunk, I didn't send that back to you because I thought, well, that's odd.
		I've heard it so many times, I don't know if it's funny or not.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		No, it is.
		when i heard it again and i heard you get going in the sense you know in the sense of You do enjoy hearing people, seeing people stub their toe.
		That's exactly what it is.
		And I suppose it's inappropriate to laugh at such a thing.
		However, that was a big one.
unidentified		I mean, that was really a big toe stub, yeah.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		As you realize what you just did and, oh, how life is going to change and where you're going and everything, I can actually understand the reaction.
		I mean, we can.
		All right.
		Well, anyway, onward.
		What have we got here?
unidentified		Okay, the next one is.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Number 12, right?
unidentified		Number 12.
		I don't really know how to explain this one other than it's an actual emergency.
		It's not life or death.
		It's kind of thumb and pain emergency.
		But it kind of goes back to a question I've always had.
		Why would anyone want to have as a pet a five-foot python?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Oh.
unidentified		And if you do think about, if you are thinking about getting a five-foot Python as a gift, listen to this video, this audio clip first.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Here we go.
unidentified		Do you have an emergency?
		I've got someone stuck in his window.
		You're trying to break into someone's house.
		What's the address, sir?
		Do you know the address of the house?
		No, I don't.
		I'm calling from the house.
		How are we going to find you?
		I'm stuck in the window.
		You're stuck in the window.
		I thought you were somebody who was breaking in there.
		I'm breaking in the house.
		You're breaking into your own house?
		No, I'm breaking into my way.
		Okay.
		That wasn't it.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yeah, no, that wasn't it.
unidentified		I made a mistake.
unidentified		It's track 11.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		It's track 11, huh?
		Okay.
		Track 11, it is.
unidentified		Here we go.
		Stop my son, and she won't let go.
		So is it a snake?
		Yes.
		Okay, so it's a python, and he's got a hold of the hand, and it's around the rest of the piece.
		She's on his index finger.
		Okay, he keeps wrapping around his arm, and as soon as I get part of her off of him.
		So do you just need, do you need paramedics or do you just need some big, strong men to help you?
		I can't get her to release her hold.
		Okay, okay, hang on just a minute.
		Okay.
		How big is the snake?
		He's about five feet long.
		Okay.
		What did you do?
		You just put your hand in there and he got you?
		You can know better than to try to get her when she's this bed.
		I don't know how.
		Ma'am, is he just on the arm, the snake?
		It's not on any other part of his body.
		It's on his finger.
		It's on his finger, and it's wrapped around his arm.
		Uh-huh.
		Okay, we do have them on the waist.
		It's okay.
		It's only my finger.
		Is that him like in here?
		Yeah.
		I told you we should sell her.
		So please.
		I'm not laughing.
		There'll be sending paramedics to get her off of you.
		Has it ate lately?
		He just fed her.
		It just barely ate.
		Yeah, and that's why, because she won't eat it.
		She's only eating mice.
		She normally eats them.
		She can eat five or six of them at a time.
		And he only fed her one.
		Oh, but she's still hungry.
		Yes, she's very hungry.
		He took his hand in the tank and she reached up and got him.
		You can't see her.
		That's one mouse.
		Gotta wait until he's got more.
		She's released.
		She got off him?
		Yeah.
		Oh, good.
		Okay, they should be getting real close.
		Yeah, they're here.
		Okay, I'll go ahead and let you go.
		Okay, thanks.
		Bye-bye.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I could swear it was the sirens that probably made the snake release the finger.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		It sounded just like when the sirens got there.
unidentified		What I like is that the mom is bitching at him.
		I told you you shouldn't just feed him one mouth.
		We should have told him.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		What got me was, yo!
art bell ▲ ● ▼		In the background.
unidentified		My favorite, he's eating my finger.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Did he really say that?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I didn't hear that.
unidentified		Yeah, he's like, I think he says, he's swallowing my finger.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		He's swallowing my finger.
		All right.
		Hold on a second.
		Let's listen one more time.
		I heard none of that.
		I was listening to the pain.
unidentified		Yes.
		Okay, so it's a python, and he's got a hold of the hand, and it's around the rest of the piece.
		She's on his index finger.
		Okay, he keeps wrapping around his arm, and as soon as I get part of her off of him.
		So do you just need, do you need paramedics, or do you just need some big, strong men to help you out?
		I can't get her to release her hold.
		Okay, okay, hang on just a minute.
		Okay.
		How big is the snake?
		He's about five feet long.
		Okay.
		What did you do?
		You just put your hand in there and he got you?
		You should know better than to try to get her when she's just bad.
		I can say.
		I don't know how.
		Ma'am, is he just on the arm, the snake?
		It's not on any other part of his body.
		It's on his finger.
		It's on his finger.
		And it's wrapped around his arm.
		Uh-huh.
		Okay, we do have them on the way.
		It's bad.
		He's swallowing my fingers.
		All right.
		All right.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I heard it.
unidentified		I wasn't lied to R. Are you swallowing my fingers?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Swallowing my fingers.
		Oh, man.
		Ah, geez.
		Well, it doesn't sound like a good idea to have a snake at the top.
		Although, actually, I'm told, to be fair, they do make good pets, except, I guess, you know, moments like that, you know.
		All right, well, we accidentally played the next track, which was a guy stuck while he was breaking into a house, right?
unidentified		Right.
unidentified		He was calling 911 because he was stuck in the window of a house he was breaking into.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I will listen to this again because we got it kind of out of context.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		but why you know can you imagine breaking into a house getting halfway in and calling 911 do you have an emergency?
unidentified		someone stuck in his window he's trying to break into 911's house what's the address?
		do you know the address of the house?
		no I don't, I'm calling from the house how are we going to find him?
		I'm stuck in the window You're stuck in the windows.
		I'm breaking into the house.
		You're breaking into your own house?
		No, I'm breaking into the window.
		Breaking into the windows' house.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Now, exactly, how desperate do you suppose that guy had to get before he decided to make that call?
unidentified		Yeah, it does make you wonder how long he had been stuck in the window before he finally said, okay.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I mean, at the very least, you would think somebody would stick it out until hunger overcame them.
		They had tried everything, you know, short of sawing off an arm or something.
		I don't know.
unidentified		It reminds me, there's another 911 call audio from the original CD, Wacky 911, that you were talking about playing later, where the man gets his private parts caught in the intake pump of a pool.
		And eventually, someone who works there calls 911 on his behalf because they've been in the pool for three hours.
		That's when you would say, you know, just drowned.
		Exactly.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		That's understandable.
		I mean, you would wait three hours, maybe even six hours.
		Who knows?
		But you'd really hesitate before you called them.
		So I could just a guy just breaking into some.
		Oh, well.
unidentified		Yeah, well, I like you said there's someone breaking into this house.
unidentified		So he kind of skirted around the issue.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Well, he tried.
unidentified		Yeah, he tried.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		But now the cops know to go pick up a burglar.
unidentified		Right, yeah.
unidentified		A confessed burglar who they have on tape who's stuck in a window.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Well, you see, though, all of this is on the side of law enforcement.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Because in reality, the dumber criminals are, for the most part, the easier they are to catch.
unidentified		Right.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		The easier they are to punish because they tend to confess very quickly, just like that guy.
unidentified		I had a case from my book, The Stupid Crookbook.
		A lady was brought in to identify her perpetrator.
		So she's standing on one side of the one-way mirror with the detective, and there's the bad guy and several other people on the other side of the one-way mirror.
		So the detective gets on the microphone and says, when I call out your number, take one step forward and repeat exactly what the criminal said.
		He said, give me all your money or I'll shoot you.
		Well, one of the guys in line jumped up and said, hey, I didn't say that.
		So there's your stupid confession right there.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yeah, that is stupid.
unidentified		It's pretty amazing.
		Yeah, but the Python clip is, if people want to hear that one again, they can go to the website at realwacky.com.
		And again, that's the only place you can get the audio CDs and the video.
		The books you can get in bookstores across the United States and Amazon.
		My new book is Hey Idiot, but all the other fun audio and video, only available at realwacky.com or at the toll-free number 1-866-754-8273.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I don't know why, but it seems to me this is the kind of book that typically I'd pick up at an airport, knowing I had like a two or three hour flight ahead of me.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		This is the kind of book I'd pick up and take onto the airplane.
unidentified		Yeah, you know what?
		Hey Idiot is exactly that, and I have no delusions.
		It's a bathroom reader.
		And my thing is, if you read more than seven or eight pages at one sitting, you should probably seek medical attention.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yes, but you know, it's a good thing.
unidentified		Yeah, it's a funny book.
		Hey Idiot, it's my eighth book.
		Like you mentioned, I've been writing books since 95.
		I've got one New York Times bestseller and two national bestsellers.
		Again, I'll thank you for the What's the Number for 911 became a national bestseller right after I did your show.
		Sure.
		So Hey Idiot is kind of the chronicles of stupid, of human stupidity.
		It's divided into 13 chapters, each chapter dealing with a different genre of stupidity, like government stupidity, politically correct morons.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		There's a lot of stupidity.
unidentified		John Hughes.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		See, what you're doing is actually an important thing for humanity.
		I'm not exactly sure of why, but it is important.
		Somehow it's important.
unidentified		Somehow, yeah, and I get a lot of people that, you know, they don't state it quite as eloquently, but they go, you know, there's more to what you're doing than just funny stuff.
		They don't quite know what it is, but they all know that, you know, there's something more to it.
		You're not just writing jokes about stupid things.
		There's something that I should be getting here.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Well, it is important for people to understand the reality of what they're living with.
unidentified		Right.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		They're fellow citizens.
		And, I mean, this is a select group of your fellow citizens.
		Of course, if you listen to it from that point of view, you might be ashamed and not want to be human anymore.
unidentified		All right.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		So what's number 13 here?
unidentified		Okay, now we could start on some technical calls from computer companies.
unidentified		They get a ton of calls from customers who are usually very upset.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yes.
unidentified		And the next three in a row, if you just want to let them roll, they're all computer tech calls.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I can understand being upset about computers.
		Probably in life, there's very little that can frustrate you as much as a computer.
		Here we go.
unidentified		Technical support.
		I can do anything for you that a supervisor can do.
		I'm telling you that there's no one here who can help you.
		No, sir, you may not talk with a supervisor.
		I can give you the number for the Customer Assistance Center if you wish to file a complaint.
		I do wish to file a complaint.
		Okay.
		Their number is 1-800-2333.
		And I will file a complaint.
		Okay, you're more than welcome to do that.
		I believe anyone you talk to will tell you that if you need help with software that makes sense, you have to call it.
		Don't talk to me like some stupid idiot.
		I know what I'm talking about, and you don't know what you're talking about.
		Okay, sir.
		Well, you should learn to be nice to people.
		You shouldn't be nasty.
		You should be cooperative.
		I can't help you if I don't know how, sir.
		Listen, don't talk to me that way.
		I'm a human being and I'm a person.
		And you have somebody to talk condescending to me.
		And don't talk down to me.
		Who the hell do you think you are?
		I asked to speak to your supervisor.
		I don't have to tell you why I want to talk to your supervisor.
		Who the hell do you think you are?
		You got so good!
		Well, I apologize if I upset you, sir.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		you see that is probably somebody who just installed a new operating system and i and then i cut Hey ma'am, it's okay.
unidentified		No, it's not me.
		I just failed my midterm.
		It was a stupid machine.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		God, it's gonna do a lifetime.
unidentified		I can't get my comp my computer to put anything but this one stupid paper.
unidentified		I can't.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Okay, now wait a minute.
		This one does require your understanding what you're hearing, I can see.
		This is a computer deck call from this woman who's obviously very upset.
		Now, you might understand why when you find out she lost all of her data when her computer crashed.
		Now, this is not so funny.
		I mean, you could lose work that you've been working on for months or something like that.
unidentified		here it is again that was a part and that i've got No, it's not me.
		It was a stupid machine.
		God, it seems like a lifestyle.
		Oh, look at this stupid thing!
		Look, they believe it!
		Okay, I can't get my company to put anything but this one stupid paper.
		I can't find it.
		I don't know where it is.
		It's not in my computer.
		And I can't get my computer to shut down properly because it keeps saying there's a print monitor problem.
		And then the thing shows up.
		It's got all these button bar, button bar, button bar, button bar things on it.
		And I can't get that to shut down.
		And when that's on, all it does is continue to print the same paper over and over.
		And I can't even say, okay, ma'am.
		What?
		If you want me to help you, you're going to have to.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		You see, funny, but I really do feel her pain.
unidentified		Thank you for the support.
		Excuse me?
		With the fipping up?
		No, it's not part of the computer.
		Are you not sure what a paperclip is?
		No.
		Looking at the fifth time in the YU with the computer.
		Okay, it's not a part of your computer.
		It's just an office supply, a little metal rod, a little piece of metal that you use to hold two pieces of paper together.
		Hmm.
		Because it doesn't weaken a lot of people.
		Okay, no, it's not a part of the computer.
		It's just something that you would have laying around the house that you.
		You take a stack of papers and use a paperclip to hold two or four pieces of paper together?
		Do you know what I'm talking about?
		Like a dead black dead?
		Like a dead paper?
		No, this is a you know, it's a piece of Hmm.
		No.
		Okay, it's something that you could put.
		You see the small hole next to the CD slot?
		Yeah, it's mobile.
		Okay, it's a piece of metal that you could stick into that hole to push a button that is inside of that hole.
		Hmm.
		Hmm.
		Would you think this could be not come out because something is no work well?
		No, it's probably fine, but it's you need to get the C D out in order for the computer to come back up, okay.
		Yeah.
		I don't get it kind of paper.
		Okay, it's a paper clip.
		Is there, is there, is it?
		Go ahead.
		You might.
		Is there something?
		Go ahead.
		I want a dream lover, so I don't have to dream alone.
		Dream lover, where are you?
		Where the love goes so true.
		And the hand that I can hold, will be near as I go home.
		Because I want a girl to call my own.
		I wanna dream over so I don't have to dream alone To talk with Art Bell, call the wildcard line at area code 775-727-1295.
		The first-time caller line is area code 775-727-1222.
		To talk with Art Bell from east of the Rockies, call toll-free at 800-825-5033.
		From west of the Rockies, call 800-618-8255.
		International callers may reach Art by calling your in-country sprint access number, pressing option 5, and dialing toll-free, 800-893-0903.
		From coast to coast and worldwide on the internet, this is Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Sometimes it pays to sort of lay back a little bit and look at the lighter side of life.
		And there is one, fortunately, and we're examining that tonight.
		More of it in a moment with Leland Gregory.
unidentified		Thank you.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Okay, we've got one more to go, I think, from the current CD, and then we'll plow on to some absolute classics.
		We've got a lot of people asking, of course, for the one with the guy who hits the deer.
		That's all over my computer screen.
		Play that, play that.
		There's two things, Leland, I think that in a person's life will actually cause them to live longer.
		That I've, aside from a good diet and all the usual, I think having a pet, like a cat or a dog or something, probably not a snake, but having a pet will cause you to live longer.
		There's something about petting an animal and interacting with an animal that will keep you alive.
		And laughing.
		Laughing is the other thing that I think is very likely to keep you alive longer.
		A lot of laughing.
		There's something about the kind of endorphins that it produces that I think leads toward longevity.
unidentified		That's right.
		Actually, I'm 97 years old.
		Yeah.
		Sometimes I feel that well.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		That's done well for you.
		All right.
		So where are we here?
unidentified		Let's see.
unidentified		Where was it?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		It's 16.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I think we can probably play this, can't we?
unidentified		Yeah, I don't see why not.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		You think this is a prank?
unidentified		Yes, I do think it's a prank.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		All right, now this is an example of the kind of thing making the rounds on the internet.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I'm sure many of you may have heard this, or maybe not.
unidentified		You'll get an earful now.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yeah, here it comes.
unidentified		Thank you for calling this T. Toy, and I may help you.
		I just picked up my 92 accord from your lot, and that is a huge turd in the back seat.
		A huge turd?
		Yes.
		And there's what in the back seat?
		A turd!
		A piece of a big-ass human turd in the back seat of my car.
		Ma'am, I assure you, our guys did not take a dump in your car.
		If you want to, bring that car back and we'll take a look at it.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		you want to take a look at it All right, well, for some reason, we lost the audio on that, so we're going to have to try it again.
		I have no idea.
		We're just occurring.
		Let's try this again.
unidentified		Thank you for calling SST.
		Tony, how am I helping you?
		I just picked up my 92 accord from your lot, and that is a huge turd in the back seat.
		A huge turd?
		Yes.
		And there's what in the back seat?
		A turd.
		A piece of f ⁇ .
		A big ass human turd in the back seat of my car.
		Ma'am, I assure you, our guys did not take a dump in your car.
		If you want to, bring that car back and we'll take a look at it.
		Oh, you want to take a look at it?
		My car is fine.
		It's that big ass turd in the back seat.
		Okay, what would you like me to do?
		I said, okay, how about I go to your house and pitch a loaf on your couch?
		How about that?
		Ma'am, what would you like me to do to fix the situation?
		I want somebody to come over here, get this turd out my back seat.
		That's not going to happen.
		What do you mean it's not going to happen?
		You can bring the car here and we can take a look at it.
		I am.
		I'm going to bring it back there.
		You know what I'm going to do?
		I'm going to take a dump in every last car you got there.
		I'm going to pee on your counter.
		I'm going to do it all.
		Okay.
		You how it feels.
		You know what?
		You sound like a big burly man.
		It probably came out your ass.
		Yeah, I don't make it a habit of going out and taking a dump in the car.
		How much do you weigh?
		About 400 pounds.
		That's your turn.
		That's my turn, huh?
		Yes.
		That came up from a 400-pound man, huh?
		This is a 400-pound man.
		Either that or a gorilla.
		I'm driving this car right to my lawyer's office, and I'm going to let the whole world see.
		You're going to be on the news this evening, buddy.
		I'm going to get seven on my side.
		Watch.
		You're going to be on the news.
		Can he describe the piece of shit?
		I mean, what does it look like?
		You know what it is.
		It came out your ass.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		He's got her on a speeder phone now.
unidentified		I'm going to tell you what kind of asking me what color.
		I tell you what, it smells ungodly.
		That's what it smells like.
		It smells like you sold your ass to the devil.
		That's what it is from the pit to hell.
		But how big is it?
		How long is it?
		It's not as long as my arm.
		I don't think it's funny.
		Why, y'all, this is not funny.
		I got a damn 254 in my back feet.
		You know, I think this is some racial shit, too.
		That's what this is.
		little kids are running away from it.
		Oh, my.
		Oh, my.
		I'm glad y'all find this funny.
		Okay.
		You probably for the steering wheel, too, don't you?
		Oh, all right, all right.
		How long does it look like it's been sitting there?
		Steve is coming off of it, okay?
		Steve?
		Steve, it's coming off of it?
		Yes.
		You've been here that long now, huh?
		I am taking this.
		It's a fresh turd.
		Okay.
		What you need to do is you need to bring that turd back and we'll match it up.
		We've got a lineup.
		We'll match it up with the other turds that we have.
		Well, what you need to do is learn how to use a toilet.
		So you're not going to bring the turd back to me?
		No.
		You know what?
		Is this a sample?
		No.
		I'm starting to like it.
		You're going to keep it as a fact?
		We'll keep it because it's a nice look.
		You know what?
		It's a nice conversation piece.
		Okay, cool.
		Okay.
		Hey, thanks, sir.
		Thanks so much.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		All right, now, so that I understand this correctly, the prank was that lady, and the dispatcher here had no, I mean, he had no idea it was a prank, did he?
unidentified		Not for a while.
unidentified		Then it sounded like he started catching on.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Well, yeah, at some point.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		But man, oh, man, oh, man.
unidentified		It's pretty funny.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		It is funny.
unidentified		He did a good job.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Now, with respect to these, and you have more of these, some of which, on the side of caution, we are not going to play.
		There's one call from a radio station to a woman.
		I'm sure a lot of people on the internet have heard this.
		A man claims to be a product inspector for a vibrator she recently purchased.
		Eventually, the woman admits she's used said vibrator for three weeks.
		She's surprised at the end to find out to radio prank.
		and then there's others, and these are...
		Or how do you look at these in trying to decide the province of these?
unidentified		Well, I always do my best to try to find out the origin of it because I'm not in the business of ripping people off.
unidentified		But a lot of times when something like the product inspector for the vibrators has been around a long time and it's been, I mean, it gets into everybody's emails.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		It's almost, I guess if it's gone around the world once, is it then in the public domain officially?
unidentified		See, you know, that's a good question.
		I really don't know.
		But I never could track down exactly where that came from.
		But it's pretty interesting.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		But if you can find, for example, the radio station where that came from, you would be very interested in knowing.
unidentified		Yes, I would.
unidentified		I'd like to find out where it came from and, you know, what they've done with it and what kind of response they got from it.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		All right.
		Listen, I've got the original in here, and you're going to have to help me out with track numbers.
		I know that I have many requests for the deer.
unidentified		Right.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		So let's go ahead and serve it up.
unidentified		Okay, now.
unidentified		It's track 11.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Track 11.
unidentified		Okay.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		All right.
		Now, what is this at this point in this clip's life?
		This is a very funny clip, folks.
unidentified		It is very funny.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		But what do we know about anything more about its origins?
unidentified		Yes, I actually spoke with the original dispatcher who took the call.
		It took place in Houston, Texas in the mid-80s.
		And it turns out that the deal is they had recently installed a brand new operating program.
		and everyone in the station was nervous about how to use the new technology.
		The man who installed the program Yes.
		It was a new communications 911 emergency system.
		And the man who installed the new software went into the captain's office and placed the call.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		This is the guy who put in the software?
unidentified		He placed the call.
		But it still did go through the system.
		Technically, it's a 911 call, but it does turn out to have been a put-on 911 call.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Check it out.
unidentified		This doesn't sound...
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Hold on.
		Let's see.
		I think that's what I've got here.
		No, I've got stupid crook audio.
unidentified		Ah.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Wacky 911 track 11.
unidentified		There you go.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		The whole thing just came apart in my hand.
unidentified		Oh, my.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		You know, they make them with those little weird edges.
		All right, track 11, here we go.
		Time to rock.
		Classic, by the way, I might add.
unidentified		This is the ambulance emergency line.
		Do you have an emergency?
		I need a bamboo then.
		Who is this?
		Joe.
		Okay, where do you need us?
		I'm in a motherfucking phone booth.
		Okay, what's the address there?
		Hold on.
		Okay, Joe, I need a location.
		What street are you on?
		I'm in a motherfucking phone booth at the stop and go.
		I'm at the that's it.
		I'm at the motherfucking stop and go.
		And wait a minute.
		Oh, shoot.
		What's the motherfucking room in the stop booth?
		At the motherfucking stop and go.
		Yo.
		Uh-huh.
		However, let me see.
		I'm in the motherfucking home booth.
		Let me tell you what.
		I'm going down the motherfucking road, driving in my car, minding my own fucking damn business, and the motherfucking ear jumped down and hit my car.
		Okay, so are you injured?
		Let me tell you.
		I get out and pick the motherfucking ear up.
		I thought he's dead.
		I put the motherfucking deer in my back seat, and I'm driving down the motherfucking road and minding my own business.
		The motherfucker walk up and bit me in the back of my nigga.
		He bit me and then just kicked the f ⁇ out of my car.
		I hit the motherfucking phone booth.
		The deer bit me in the neck.
		A big motherfucking dog came up and bit me in the neck.
		I hit him with the motherfucking tie-on and I stabbed him.
		I stabbed him with my knot.
		So I got a hurt leg and the motherfucking deer bit me in the neck.
		And the deer, and the dog wanted me out of the motherfucking phone booth because he wants the deer.
		Who gets the deer?
		Me or the dog?
		Hey, sir, are you injured?
		Yeah, the motherfucking gear bit me in the neck.
		Hold on.
		The motherfucking dog is biting me.
		Hold on.
		Hold on.
		The motherfucking dog is biting him.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Incredible.
unidentified		Yes, sir.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		So that actually was a, oh, I don't know.
unidentified		Basically a prank call.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		A prank call.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I'll be darned.
unidentified		But yeah, that is probably the most requested one, and we went ahead and put that on our website at realwacky.com if people want to go listen to it or if they want to buy Wacky911, the audio, this audio CD, which of course is only available at the website at realwacky.com.
		And it's also, we have two versions.
		We have it on the censored version that you aired and then the uncensored version.
		So please use caution when ordering.
		Don't give grandma the wrong copy.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		You've got to specify which one you want.
unidentified		Yeah, well, I mean, when you go to the website at realwacky.com, there's two different, completely different audio CDs.
		One is censored and one is uncensored.
		Okay.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		All right.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		While we're here, we've got to do the one, the gagged guy.
unidentified		Okay.
unidentified		That is track three on Wacky911.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		All right.
		Now, this is one that when I first heard this one, I was in danger of not being able to continue the program.
		I was really in danger of not being able to continue the program.
		And this is a definite stub-your-toe kind of audio that we're going to play here.
		This is real.
		This is a guy.
		I'm going to tell you ahead of time.
		Otherwise, it would take you a little while to figure it out.
		He's calling 911 because he's had a, well, I guess a robber or somebody broke in and bound him and gagged him.
unidentified		Right.
unidentified		He's the victim of the robbery.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yeah.
unidentified		Bound and gagged.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yeah, he's really gagged, and he's trying to call 911.
		And it shouldn't be funny, but it put me on the floor.
		Listen carefully.
unidentified		911.
		I am gambled and tied up with a person tried to hear for it.
		Shit, it's Debbie.
		Okay, he said that he's the victim of a robber.
		He's been tied up in gag.
		Where is he at?
		Can you give us your address?
		Orange.
		Shit cutter white?
		Walmart?
		Orange?
		Walter.
		Olive, sir?
		Olive.
		Olive.
		Olive?
		You want me to have the outfitter?
		You want me to have someone check this out?
		Please.
		Okay, come on.
		I understand it.
		So 600 Olive?
		Are you seeing Olive?
		Alright.
		I can't hear that what he's saying.
		Is it Atlantic?
		I can react.
		Al A L 6 L A D. Almond, right?
		600 almond?
		Okay, that won't be necessary.
		You don't have to run a check.
		How long ago did this happen?
		Listen to me.
		Listen to me.
		Do you live in a house and apartment there?
		Apartment.
		What apartment do you live in?
		One, two.
		One, two.
		Alright, what?
		What apartment?
		Two.
		Two?
		Okay.
		And what's his last name?
		Okay, so we're going to send the tweets out, alright?
		Okay, if I like.
		Let me go so I can send the tweets, all right?
		Bye-bye.
		That's an amazing one.
		It really is.
		Completely different reactions to that.
		Because when I was on the Today Show, I aired that one, and Katie Curry looked at me and she said, that's not funny.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Did she really?
unidentified		And I said, it is.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		See, it really is true that it hits people a different way.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		You played that for Katie, huh?
unidentified		Yeah, she said, that's not funny.
unidentified		And I went, well, thanks.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Well, if it's not, then, you know, I guess I don't know.
		I don't know.
		It would be frame of mind.
		But when I first heard that and still now, I feel for the guy in every way.
		I feel sorry for him, but it is funny.
		I'm sorry.
		It's funny.
unidentified		You know, and what I like is that the operator's trying their best.
		And he goes, I'm at almond is what he's trying to say.
		And they start guessing all around it.
		Walnut?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Well.
unidentified		And it's like here they are in the nut category.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yeah, some of life's absolutely most painful moments really are funny.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		And for him, obviously, it was frustrating, painful, and probably just like the worst day he ever had.
unidentified		Oh, I can't.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		But still.
unidentified		Still.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		And what made that funny was the frustration in his gagged lips.
		That came through real clearly how frustrated he was.
		And I think that's what made that funny funny funny funny thing.
unidentified		That is kind of what's funny because you hear him just complaining.
unidentified		Oh, mundane.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Now, see, how did that one reach you?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Do you recall?
unidentified		Was it an 911 dispatcher?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Oh, it was a 911 dispatcher.
unidentified		Almost all the ones from the original CD Wacky 911 came from dispatchers.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		How many people like, of course, of all places to have it happen, Katie Couric?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		But how many people do you run into like that?
unidentified		That don't think it's funny?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Well, what a universe of people.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		99.9% will think it's a riot, but just at one-tenth of one percent.
unidentified		Yeah.
		And what's great is that, you know, I was on national TV.
		That's not funny.
		She said, that's not funny.
		It's like, well, thanks, Katie.
		Got to go.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		All right.
		My guest is got a lot of funny stuff, actually.
		I think it's a riot, but it depends on how it hits you.
		How did it hit you?
unidentified		How did it hit you?
		Sign up for Streamlink at www.coastocoastam.com.
		And you can hear tonight's show over and over and over.
		Thank you.
		To talk with Arc Bell, call the wildcard line at area code 775-727-1295.
		The first-time caller line is area code 775-727-1222.
		To talk with Arc Bell from East to the Rockies, call toll-free at 800-825-5033.
		From West to the Rockies, call ARC at 800-618-8255.
		International callers may reach Art Bell by calling your in-country sprint access number, pressing option 5, and dialing toll-free 800-893-0903.
		From coast to coast and worldwide on the internet, this is Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell and Leland Gregory, and we're having a lighter night tonight, but the Spirit is on Mars, and the first photographs are coming back.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I'm looking at one right now on a JPL site, Jeff Propulsion Lab site, and looks like a calibration shot.
		It's in strips, but it's high resolution and looks really good.
		Really, really good, actually.
		This is going to be very exciting.
		I must admit, what's out in front of it right now looks kind of like a cat box.
		It's a phrase I used a long time ago.
		Cat box, but it does.
		You can get a look at that one.
		Soon we'll be getting the stereoscopic color photographs from Mars.
		It's obvious we're in for a really good ride, folks.
unidentified		outro music
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Once again, here's Leland Gregory.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Leland, people call you and tell you, or they, I don't know what, contact your website, or suppose they got something that they think is hilarious and they want to get a hold of you.
unidentified		How do they do that?
		Yeah, the best way.
		In fact, I'm checking my email right now, and I've gotten a couple people that are listening to your radio show.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		My next question will be about your email.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		But I mean, do you want to give out an email address?
unidentified		Well, actually, if people go to the website at realwacky.com and scroll down to the bottom, there's a blue hyperlink that says for press information, send it to Leland.
unidentified		And click on that, and it'll open up an email box and just send me a little bit of a pressure.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I was thinking, when you do something like this, a lot of people have, I don't know, MPEGs or really big files.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I mean, when people start sending this stuff to you, how do you handle it with your mailbox?
unidentified		You know, it's just part of the job.
		I've got a web guy that takes care of it for me.
		And so just basically, people go to realwacky.com and I'll take it from there.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		All right.
		I've got another CD here called Stupid Crook Audio.
		We haven't done any audio from that.
unidentified		You know, I don't know which one that would be.
unidentified		I think that was something I sent you a long time ago.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Really?
unidentified		Yeah.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		You don't remember it.
unidentified		I mean, I remember it, but I don't remember what cuts were on it.
unidentified		So, you know, we can all edit it, but I don't know exactly how great it is.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Actually, I can give you the titles.
unidentified		Okay.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Well, some of them.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		The screaming pothead was number two.
unidentified		Oh, well, there you go.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Either there's Irate Driver, Rapper, Window Kicker, Drunk Out of Control, Butt Naked, Baby.
		I'm going to skip a couple here.
		Don't Talk to Me.
		Go to Hell.
		Backwards.
		Not stale.
		Traffic Stop.
		Stuck in the Window.
		Whacked Out Sun.
unidentified		Yeah, you know, that's not the greatest stuff.
		I think if you want to stick to the wacky 911 CD, I think that would be the stuff that's funnier.
		All right.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Then we go to Editor's Choice at this point.
unidentified		Okay.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		What do you like?
unidentified		Well, I like, there's a cute one called Homework Helper.
		Homework Helper.
		And it is track 13.
		And it's a little girl asking help with her math homework.
		All right, here we go.
		Yeah, I need some help.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		What's the matter?
unidentified		Where's my math?
		With your mouth?
		No, it's my math.
		I have to do it.
		Will you help me?
		Sure.
		Where do you live?
		No, it's my math.
		Yeah, I know it.
		Where do you live, though?
		No.
		I want you to talk to me on the phone.
		No, I can't do that.
		I guess someone else will help you.
		Okay.
		Um.
		What kind of math do you have that you need help with?
		I have.
		I have takeaways.
		Oh, you gotta do the takeaways?
		Yeah.
		All right, what's the problem?
		Um, you have to help me with my math.
		Okay.
		Tell me what the math is.
		Okay.
		16.
		Yeah.
		Takeaway eight.
		Uh-huh.
		Guess what?
		You tell me how much do you think it is?
		I don't know one.
		No.
		How old are you?
		I'm only four.
		Four?
		Yeah.
		Yeah.
		What's another problem?
		That was a tough one.
		Um, oh, here's one.
		Five takeaway five.
		Five takeaway five.
		And how much do you think that is?
		Five.
		Sorry, what are you doing?
		there's mom Yeah, that was funny.
		That was really cute.
		See, that's cute.
		Yeah, actually, this is great.
		I've already, I just checked my email again, and I've gotten like two or three, well, I've gotten like 15 emails, but I've gotten a couple of audio samples already.
		So I really encourage people to go to realwacky.com and email me stories.
		In fact, I'll take this opportunity to solicit because I'm working on a new book called Idiots at Work, and it's going to be about stupid people that you work with.
		So if you have stories of stupid bosses or stupid co-workers, just go to realwacky.com and do these have to be audio or it could be material for a book?
		Sure, yeah.
		If people want to send me stories of stupid things that has happened to them at work, stupid things their bosses have recommended or asked them to do, stupid co-workers.
		Like I said, that's the next book that I'm working on.
		Well, it'll be out next year.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		The workplace is a big part of our lives, so lots of stupidity occurs there.
unidentified		Hopefully, if someone's got anything for me, I would be glad to take it.
		Just go to realwacky.com and go scroll down to the bottom of the page where it says press information.
		Click on Leland.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		What makes you decide suddenly, for example, to, oh, the workplace would be good?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I mean, what brings that on?
unidentified		You know, it's just kind of, I get most of my best ideas while I'm sitting in the bathtub.
		And so that was just one of them I thought, you know, which is actually a little bit alien to me since I work at home.
		You know, I don't have a boss other than myself and my six-year-old son.
		But I thought, you know, that would be an interesting thing.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		No, I do some of my best thinking in the shower.
unidentified		Yeah.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		The shower is a really good place to think.
unidentified		Because it's quiet and you have nothing else to do other than cleaning.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yeah, I know, but there's no thinking about that.
unidentified		Right, yeah.
unidentified		You got that down to a science.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		It's a time when you can consider other things.
unidentified		That's right.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yes, indeed.
		I agree.
		All right.
		Well, we still have Wacky911 here in a few minutes or anything you like.
unidentified		Yeah, there's a funny one that took place in Nashville, Tennessee.
		I want to give out the toll-free number one more time real fast.
		Sure.
		It's 1-866-754-8273.
		And the 8273 spells tape.
		How about that?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		By the way, Wacky911, what else do you write?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		After Wacky911, or after they've ordered that, if they haven't yet, that'd obviously be the one.
unidentified		Right.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		But once you get past Wacky911, what's your next favorite?
unidentified		Well, my next favorite is the stupid crooks caught on tape video.
		It's just very funny.
		It's an hour video of actuals.
		It's all actual dash cam and security camera footage of stupid criminals getting caught doing stupid things.
		It's very funny and very funny.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		You're going to have fun putting them together.
unidentified		Oh, yeah.
		It was a blast.
		I mean, it's so funny because I get to sit in the edit booth and listen to the editor laugh.
		So it's fun to see the material, new people seeing the material.
		Because like you said, I've seen it so much I'm jaded.
		But then when I get to see it through someone else's eyes, it's like, oh, okay, yeah, that is funny.
		Exactly.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		All right, name a track here on.
unidentified		Yeah, Growing in My Mouth.
unidentified		This took place here in Nashville, Tennessee, and it is track six.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Six, huh?
art bell ▲ ● ▼		And this, again, is a call to 9-1-1.
unidentified		A call to 911 from a guy who, well, it's kind of hard to explain.
		And you'll see why.
		Here we go.
		I don't know what someone...
		I don't know what is going on.
		It's just hard to explain because things are just growing out of my mouth.
		And I am not calling it.
		This is no joke.
		You need the place or do you need it?
		I need the ambulance.
		I need to go to the hospital because something, things are just growing in my mouth.
		Like what?
		I don't know what.
		Hold on let me connect the animals.
		Oh, yes.
		I don't know what is going on, but something is growing.
		things are growing in my mouth.
		Things are growing in your mouth?
		Yes, I don't know what is going on.
		I was in the bed and now things are growing in my mouth.
		Things are growing in your mouth.
		Yes.
		What kind of things are growing in your mouth?
		I don't know what they are.
		I can't see them.
		Can you feel them?
		Can you feel them?
		Well, yes, I feel them in my mouth, but I don't know what they are.
		What do they feel?
		Do they feel like trees or just limbs or what?
		Like circles.
		Like circles?
		Oh, like little balls or something.
		I don't know what they are.
		Have you looked in the mirror?
		I'm afraid to.
		That Indigenous flashing.
		I'm afraid to.
		I'm afraid to.
		Yeah, I like that.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Oh, geez.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		You know, do you ever get to follow up and find out, for example, what the hell he was talking about?
unidentified		They, yeah, the police on that one, you know, like they're local.
		He was on something pretty substantial.
		Something you can't buy at a liquor store.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yeah, I hear you.
unidentified		Yeah, he was pretty whacked out on that.
		But, yeah, I love the way the cop is messing with it.
		It's like, is it a tree?
		Like a tree?
		And then, have you looked in the mirror?
		I'm afraid to.
		It's a very interesting gentleman at that one.
		But, yeah, so the Wacky 911, the first CD that we did on your show, and I think it was, gosh, in 2010.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		How long ago was it?
unidentified		It was like in 2000.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Okay, 2000.
unidentified		And it's just done great.
		I think we've sold about 15 or 20,000 units, and just a lot of people are getting a lot of enjoyment.
		I get a lot of dispatchers call back saying they'll put it on at a party, you know, because it's censored, so it's safe, and just gets a lot of fun responses.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I'd love to be great at a party.
		How could anybody listen to that whole I've been sitting here thinking about Katie Couric and trying to figure out how anybody could not laugh during that thing?
		Maybe there are others, and I'll look at my fast last, but damn, it was funny.
		So you're at work now on the workplace.
		How far through that are you?
unidentified		Right now I'm in the research mode.
		The book is due April 1st.
		I usually have my books due April 1st just to keep me on top of things.
		It's also my wedding anniversary, so it's kind of a fun time to do it.
		So I'm doing a lot of research and trying to find stories.
		And that's why I'm kind of asking people to go to the website and go to realwacky.com.
		Send me your stories.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		All right, give us one to go out with here.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Pick one to go out with here.
unidentified		Let's see.
		What would be a fun one?
		OK.
		Either number 12, A Beer Opening, or Number 25, I'm Crazy.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		It's 12 or 25.
unidentified		12 or 25.
unidentified		You pick.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Let's see.
		I can't do it.
		Which one is funnier?
unidentified		I like 12.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		You like 12?
unidentified		It's cute and funny.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		All right.
		12 it is.
		Here we go, ladies and gentlemen.
unidentified		This isn't really an emergency, but it is sort of one to this little old lady.
		I've been terribly upset, and I thought the only thing I could do, I don't think of sleep pills and all of that, I went out and bought myself a couple of small bottles of beer.
		I thought that would relax me.
		The problem is I can't open the bottle.
		Could you send a man over and I'll be downstairs and have him open the bottle?
		Okay, now wait a minute.
		Okay, wait a minute.
		Am I correct that you can't sleep?
		So you went out and bought two bottles of beer and you want a policeman to come by and open them for you?
		Yes, please, because I don't have any equipment here that seems to handle that kind of a top.
		And I have never gone in.
		I think I had a ketchup bottle once and a neighbor broke the top off.
		Well, listen, I'm going to get you someone out there to open those beer bottles.
		Well, you just stay in your apartment now, and I'll send them up to the apartment.
		What's your phone number?
		Well, I take a look at it.
		It's a new one, and I don't remember it very well.
		Okay, so I can hardly see it.
		It's all blotted and blurred.
		It looks like I can't see it without a magnifying glass.
		Okay, you can't see it without a magnifying glass.
		That's okay, but I don't know your phone number now.
		Well, it looks like it.
		It has been put in by the operator, or the one that put the phone in.
		And it's down below, and that is was it.
		And then they put another one on the top, and they're sort of overburdened.
		I'm sure you're all.
		It's okay.
		I'll just get it.
		I don't have any bad intent or anything.
		I just need to be able to go to sleep.
		I know.
		Well, we'll get you out there to open that beer bottle.
		Thank you.
		Can I hang up?
		Yes.
		Okay.
		Okay.
		Bye-bye.
		Bye-bye.
		Two affirmative.
		Two affirmative.
		Assisted the elderly, female.
		Assisted the elderly what?
		Charlie, she has been okay to curb the lieutenant.
		We prefer not to give the code out on the code to help old ladies off the beer bottle.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		So they would actually send a police officer over to open beer.
unidentified		They actually did, in that instance, send a police officer over to open the beer bottle.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Well, you know, that's not only nice on the part of the dispatcher, but the department has a policy and the police to do that, period.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		I mean, that's unimaginable.
unidentified		Right.
unidentified		Well, the thing is, you know, it's obvious the ladies, you know, it's just not a prank.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Oh, no.
unidentified		You know, and it's obvious the ladies, an elderly woman, and, you know, what the heck.
unidentified		I guess, I mean, they only do it, of course, if they have, you know, nothing else to do with it.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Yeah, but that really does reflect really well on the 911 system, on the operators, on the police, on everybody concerned.
		I mean, that really reflects well on them to do that.
		That is, crazy as it may sound, public service, right?
unidentified		Well, and actually, that particular dispatcher, I've spoken with her.
		She's just a nice lady anyway.
		And, you know, that's just, there's several instances like the cop helping the kid with the math homework.
		And, you know, they're good people.
		And if they're not stressed out or under a lot of pressure, they're going to act like any good person and help out.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Well, that was way over the top.
		That was cool.
		All right.
		Well, listen, one more time.
		Plug the website.
unidentified		The website is realwacky.com.
		And if people want to send me emails of stories of stupid boss mistakes or stupid coworkers, I'd appreciate it.
		Go to realwacky.com.
		Scroll down to the bottom.
		You'll find a link that'll open up a mail.
		Or if you want to order the video, Stupid Crooks Caught on Tape or my audio CDs and you don't have an internet access, you can go to call 1-866-754-8273.
		That's a toll-free number.
		Our operator, singular, is standing by so if you don't get through the first time.
		You have one operator.
		Keep trying it.
		All right.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Listen, brother, thank you for being on the program.
unidentified		I'm glad to hear that you're back on the air, buddy.
unidentified		We missed it.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Thank you, and thanks for being here.
unidentified		Cheer, pal.
art bell ▲ ● ▼		Take care, Leland.
		That's Leland Gregory.
		Actually, we have a lot of nice public officials out there, and that's Kind of a nice way to close this out.
		Well, that's been fun.
		Meanwhile, we're getting pictures of Mars.
		I'll be back tomorrow night.
		We'll talk about that a whole lot more.
		So, for that which moves in the middle of the night from the high desert, I'm Art Bell.

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