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March 29, 2001 - Art Bell

02:45:36

Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell - Leland Gregory - Wacky 911 Calls

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	Girl, you just don't realize what you do to me When you hold me in your arms so tight
	You let me know everything's alright Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
	What's on the feeling?
	I'm high on believing That you'll end up with me
	It's as sweet as candy It's taste is on my mind
	Girl, you got me thirsty For another cup of wine
	Wanna take a ride?
	Well, call Art Bell from west of the Rockies at 1-800-618-8255.
	East of the Rockies at 1-800-825-5033.
	First-time callers may recharge at 1-775-727-1222.
	to the Rockies at 1-800-825-5033.
	First-time callers may reach out at 1-775-727-1222.
	The wildcard line is open at 1-775-727-1295.
	And to reach out on the toll-free international line, call your AT&T operator and have them dial 800-893-0903.
	This is Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell on the Premier Radio Network.
	It certainly is.
	Good morning, everybody.
	And in some cases, yes, good evening.
	We're kind of spread out from Guam to the Caribbean and beyond.
	I want to remind everybody, our international line is cooking tonight, if you're so inclined.
	Wherever you are in the world, it is toll-free.
	It's 1-800-893-0903.
	Now, before we launch into our guest tonight, I want to remind everybody, new on the website tonight, under the What's New category, photos of the VidRock launches that occurred over the weekend.
	You might have missed those.
	If you go to the website, you can actually see on-camera stuff.
	You know, they put Video cameras on the rockets, and it's pretty cool to watch.
	Moving video, and the still photos.
	Then we have vintage UFOs, and in that category there is the now very... Boy, first there's that triangle.
	Then there is the picture of the Capitol Building, the now very famous Capitol Building photo of a whole bunch, maybe as many as 13 UFOs flying right by the Capitol building.
	That was professionally taken.
	That was video, and you have to wonder what kind of message they were trying to send.
	So not much tearing apart of that one you can do.
	Everybody knows it's real.
	Then there's a UFO in Texas that we just put up there tonight.
	A nice gentleman who sent us a photo he's been hanging on to for over 10 years and finally decided to send it to us.
	Then there's the story of the poor coast-to-coast bird that's going to be shredded by a bunch of angry jocks in Nova Scotia.
	You're going to want to read that.
	Ah, we had a sick green piece on him.
	Anyway, coming up in a moment, we're about to have a lot of fun.
	Leland H. Gregory III is coming.
	I wonder if he wants to actually be addressed as Leland III.
	Maybe Gregory the Third.
	I'm the third, too.
	I never use the third.
	Maybe I should.
	What do you all... Nah.
	Art Bell's a lot easier.
	Thank you.
	Now, Leland Gregory has been a professional freelance writer for more than 12 years.
	He is co-author of the New York Times bestseller, America's Dumbest Criminals.
	You know about that one, right?
	Which enjoyed 17 weeks on the bestseller list.
	He is former writer for Saturday Night Live, ha ha, as well as author of four other books, Great Government Goofs, Presumed Ignorance, and Presidential Indiscretions.
	His latest book, What's the Number for 9-1-1?, is published through Andrews McNeil and is already in its, count it folks, fourth printing, 50,000 now in print.
	He compiled the audio CD, Wacky 9-1-1, which you're going to hear tonight, and has made two appearances on the Today Show, Inside Edition, appeared on MSNBC Extra, and many other programs.
	Leland co-wrote the feature film, Ernest and the Great Pizza Race.
	Oh my God, did he really?
	As part of a three-picture deal with Disney and optioned the Ian McTigle Show screenplay to Touchstone during The years Leland works as a political... Oh, the even years, I see.
	As a political consultant.
	So, like when the campaigns come, he goes.
	Having worked on such campaigns as Governor George Pataki, Senator Bill Frist, Congressman Robin Hayes, Saxby Chambliss, and others, he lives with his wife, writer, voiceover artist, Gloria Graves Gregory, their son Nicholas, And there are three cats in Nashville, Tennessee.
	My kind of guy.
	Three cats.
	I've got three, too.
	He seems like, and he wrote this, I think, himself.
	It ends by saying, he seems like such a great guy, doesn't he?
	Question mark.
	Well, what's that supposed to mean at the end there?
	Did you write that or did they write it about you?
	No, I wrote that.
	I just thought I'd put a plug in for my personality there at the end.
	Is that like an indication of what's to come?
	Yeah, exactly.
	In other words, you think you're going to have a good interview, right?
	I hope so.
	Leland H. Gregory III.
	Yeah, you can drop all that.
	You know, it sounds like that ought to be in Britain.
	I have nobility attached to it.
	And I should have a wife named Lovey.
	Well, if you're a third, too, I'm sure you understand.
	My publisher suggested I do that, and now, from now on, all my books just have Leland Gregory on them.
	I thought it was a little ostentatious.
	You did America's Dumbest Criminals, huh?
	Yeah, back in 1995, I co-wrote America's Dumbest Criminals, and it did really well.
	As you know, going around the Internet now, Crazy are the Darwin Awards.
	You know about those?
	Oh yeah, Wendy Northcutt.
	Yeah, her stuff is great.
	It's absolutely stupendous.
	I wait for each new issue of it anyway.
	Listen, you've now somehow, how did you get involved?
	With all this background, how did you get to 9-1-1?
	Well, I kind of, after I did the book with America's Dumbest Criminals, I kind of became the chronicler of stupid America.
	I started delving into the, kind of wading into the shallow end of the gene pool, if you will.
	And then my next three books, as you mentioned, I did about stupid government, stupid lawyers, stupid presidents.
	And then I thought, you know... There's no end of the material, huh?
	Exactly.
	And I thought, well, what other stupid people haven't I picked on yet?
	And then I thought, hmm, 911 calls.
	Because when I was doing America's Dumbest Criminals, I would come across stories of Uh, thieves who would break in through the top window of a building and lower themselves down and steal everything they could carry, and didn't realize that the door was locked.
	And they couldn't get out.
	So they would call 9-1-1 and have the cops come and get them out, and I thought, I bet there's other dumb people who have called 9-1-1.
	A little bit of research.
	I was, uh, I was a 9-1-1 dispatcher.
	I thought that was so cool.
	In Monterey County.
	I did it for one year, and then I thought I was going absolutely insane, and I decided it wasn't for me.
	And I took the job home with me.
	It's a very serious job.
	At any given moment, I was keeping track of 20, 25, sometimes police cars, what they were doing, where they were, whether or not they were in danger at any given moment, dispatching fires in the area, and handling a bank of 911 calls.
	And let me tell you, 9-1-1 operating, dispatching, is one of the hardest jobs in the entire world.
	Right.
	It's like watching... It's like Pushin' Tin movie, if you saw that.
	Only, in some ways, worse.
	Because, in my case, we were responsible for everything.
	From picking up the calls, to making the dispatch, to the follow-through.
	It was all in your hands in Monterey, and it was scary.
	All that.
	I'm from the dispatchers that I've been honored to make friends with over the years from working on the book and the CD.
	They are a very unique demographic.
	They're very intelligent, very sympathetic, great sense of humor, very dark sense of humor.
	A very dark sense of humor.
	But extremely patient people and just really some of the best people I've ever met.
	I have a very dark sense of humor and that's where part of it came from, believe me.
	It helps.
	I mean, you have to have it.
	It's like Everyone has heard of, you know, cop humor.
	And cop humor is very dark, and I learned that through America's Dumbest Criminals.
	Oh, yeah.
	911 operators have the same type of humor, but you have to have it or you would probably go completely insane.
	Well, the police I worked with were out of their mind.
	Absolutely out of their mind.
	I mean, it never ended, and they just loved to take, oh, for example, one cop one night Take a whole bunch of firecrackers to another guy's tailpipe and you know he gets down about uh... a three or four blocks and uh... they start going off and all of course the car screeches to a halt you know in the middle of traffic endangering lives and these guys are ducking down and they're sure they're being shot at and you hear this frantic call on the radio and everybody's cracking up and that's the kind of humor that cops have.
	Right, exactly.
	Perverted, but I guess it's designed to let off steam because it's a hard job.
	Oh yeah, big time.
	Dangerous job.
	And they all seem to be really good people.
	Yeah, they are.
	They really are good people, but they're almost a different kind of society.
	Dispatchers are in that same society with them, and I can tell you it's closed off and it's different.
	Yeah, and it was actually quite a hard nut to crack.
	When I first approached dispatchers about the project, the first book, What's the Number for 9-1-1?
	A lot of hesitation, a lot of resistance, because the 9-1-1 community is so used to having people make fun of them.
	The delays, and how can this happen, and rerouting, and stuff like that.
	Until I convinced them that, no, I'm on your side.
	You know, I want to make fun of the people that call you.
	And after a while, once they realized that I was not going to make fun of them, I've been just very well-received.
	Now, a lot of people would ask, how are you able to, for example, broadcast it?
	What are you going to do tonight?
	We're going to broadcast a lot of these.
	How are you able to do that?
	Do you have to get permission to do it, or what?
	Well, the way the laws are set up is that once the audio tapes are released through a communications center, they become public domain.
	And they're released for legal purposes, lawsuits, Depositions, things like that.
	So once they're released, they're considered public domain and you can pretty much do what you want with them.
	And the other thing is that you can get any call released through the Freedom of Information Act.
	So if you say, I want a copy of this call that came in to the Monterey Dispatch Center on Tuesday, January 3rd at 415.
	You know, you have to be that specific.
	Yes.
	Then they will make you a copy.
	And then that is public domain, and you can put it into a CD or whatever?
	Correct.
	How many of them did you have to go through that sort of thing to get?
	I went through a couple like that.
	Mainly, I was very fortunate in that, as I said, I became ingratiated in the 911 community, and there's kind of an underground movement of swapping back and forth their favorite videotapes.
	Oh, absolutely.
	And I got in on that group.
	People would send me stuff, and I'd make friends, and I'd copy them, and I'd send them to someone else.
	So it became this nice little community of people passing tapes back and forth.
	Did they know you were going to ultimately write a book or make a CD?
	Yes.
	I was very upfront with them.
	In fact, when I wrote the book, the way I started gaining the calls, not that I'm this very intelligent person, is I wrote the book, What's the Number for 9-1-1?
	While I was doing research, operators would say, oh, by the way, I have a call on tape.
	Would you like to have it?
	And I would go, sure.
	So they'd send it to me, and then I had a friend who would put it on a CD, and I would send out the CD and the book to a radio station and say, play the cut, play the track, and we'll promote the book.
	And I did this for months.
	And I kept getting new calls, and I'd put them on the tape, and the CD started getting larger and larger.
	And DJs kept saying, man, you'd be a moron if you didn't take all the tapes that you're getting and put them out on a CD for sale.
	Absolutely.
	And I know my wife, for one, was very tired of me being a moron.
	A lot of these are very guarded things.
	I mean, the dispatchers keep them, but they keep them for in-house entertainment generally only.
	Exactly.
	Yeah, that's why it's kind of like an underground movement that there's just a few select dispatchers.
	You know, a lot of people have one tape, You know, our two tapes.
	And there's some people that have a big pile that they must be just kind of a fun collector thing to do, but very guarded because... Well, because in some cases, careers could be at stake.
	I mean, all kinds of things.
	We did all kinds of nonsense that the public probably wouldn't want to know about.
	Well, I've got some of those, too.
	Do you?
	For example, I'm sure that You know, everybody concerned will be okay and has moved on to other police departments.
	But late at night, when some of the cops would get bored, they would play a chase game.
	In other words, one cop would go hide in an alley somewhere, and then there was a race by all the other cops on that night to find the guy.
	And they would go, man, they'd go screaming down the street.
	I'm talking lights and sirens, the whole thing.
	Yeah.
	And nobody would ever know what exactly they were looking for.
	The guy was hiding.
	It was all a game.
	I hope I'm not going to get anybody in trouble.
	I've got tapes of police officers singing to the dispatchers.
	Oh, do you really?
	Oh, yeah.
	Just playing around.
	They leave their mic open while they're ordering from McDonald's.
	You know, so I've got, I mean of course I'm not going to release any of that stuff, and my objective is not to embarrass anybody.
	In fact, on the CD Wacky 911, we eliminated, we beeped out everybody's name, city, address, phone number, operator number.
	Yeah, now that must have been a real job.
	I know what's in some of these 911 calls, and it must have been quite a job to bleep them out just right so you can almost I almost understand what the person is saying, but it doesn't quite get kicked off the air.
	Right, well fortunately my partner owns an audio production studio and has some of the best audio editors in town and we surgically edited the tape.
	Yeah, I imagine there'd be a lot of surgery involved in that indeed.
	Yeah, there's so much information and also we cut out a lot of the codes because they don't mean anything to the layperson.
	So we would try to cut them, piece them around and make sure they still made sense, but we're sanitary enough so that, you know, like I said, we don't want to get anyone into trouble, including ourselves.
	Yeah, of course.
	When you're dealing with America's dumbest criminals, the dumbest 911 calls, all of these things that are at the, you know, the lower edge of the human condition, does it, after a period of time, begin to affect you?
	Do you look at the world and people in kind of a different light?
	Yeah, actually, for a while, after I finished the first book or two, I was very cynical about, you know, how dumb our population was.
	And then I decided not to be that way and decided just to appreciate the few brain cells that I have.
	You know, I got away from being pompous and superior and supercilious, and I thought, you know, thank God, I can add and subtract.
	Well, a lot of it must happen, you know.
	They're actually not necessarily that dumb, but the adrenaline is going.
	They've attempted to do something they should not have done.
	Right.
	And so they just end up doing something utterly, incredibly stupid.
	Exactly.
	And of course, as we all know, Art, alcohol plays a big part in crime.
	Oh yes.
	You know, a lot of type of people get juiced up and think, you know, I'm gonna steal that TV.
	And they don't really sit down and plan it.
	I mean, My thought is that most alarms and things are called foolproof.
	So there's a double edge to that word because it only stops the fools.
	If you're a genius, you don't usually hear things called genius-proof.
	The work you do is important, although I don't know why.
	Can I quote you on that?
	That's the only way I can think about it.
	It's important because it entertains and it's funny, but I guess if you're the person on the other end of the line making the call, or the dumbest criminal who just crashed through a skylight onto a bed of nails or something, Your work is something else.
	Well, I hope, you know, like you said, I agree with you.
	It's important, but I don't know why.
	I think, of course, the main purpose is to entertain.
	And then if anyone gets away with saying, you know, maybe I won't try doing that.
	Why?
	You know, that would make me happy.
	Why is it entertaining?
	It's entertaining in the same sense that when the person you love walks across the room and Absolutely smashes their toe into something and is hopping around, just absolutely wiggling in pain and screeching.
	If you're smart, of course, you keep a very straight face at these times, but if you're not so smart and you do the normal human thing, you laugh your butt off while they're wiggling and twitching in pain.
	You know, you are actually a philosopher.
	No.
	People have asked me that question for a long time, and finally I came up with an answer, and it's almost the same one.
	My answer is, you laugh at big stuff in my books for the same reason you laugh at somebody when they slip on ice.
	That's it!
	That's it.
	Stomping your toes better, though, because they sort of wiggle around for a long time in pain.
	I like your analogy, because if you do laugh, You will get killed.
	Yeah, I know.
	I know, and I always have, so I'm one of America's dumbest.
	We'll be right back.
	actually right there the
	the the
	And I'm not only old and bound, you can't even play that.
	you She
	I Hey
	Oh Oh
	Me Oh
	Oh Oh
	Oh Oh
	Call art Bell in the kingdom of nigh from west of the Rockies at 1-800-619-8000
	618-8255, east of the Rockies, 1-800-825-5033.
	First-time callers may reach out at 1-775-727-1222.
	And the wildcard line is open at 1-775-727-1295.
	To reach out on the toll-free international line, call your AT&T operator and have them dial 800-893-0903.
	This is Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell from the Kingdom of Nine.
	It certainly is.
	Good morning, everybody.
	My guest is His Majesty Leland Gregory III.
	That's Leland H. Gregory III.
	And we're going to be doing something that's going to be a little bit adult here in a few minutes.
	So if you have children in the room, Uh, shuffle them out, even though the key words certainly have been bleeped out to protect licenses all over the nation.
	It's still, uh, slightly adult material.
	And by the way, here's something His Majesty might consider as a next project.
	Airplane humor.
	During taxi, the crew of a U.S.
	air departure flight, uh, to Fort Lauderdale made a wrong turn And came nose to nose with the United 727.
	The irate ground controller, a female, lashed out at the U.S.
	Air Crew, screaming, U.S.
	Air 2771, where are you going?
	I told you to turn right on Charlie.
	Taxiway, you turned right on Delta.
	Stop right there.
	I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it right!
	Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, God, you screwed up everything!
	It'll take forever to sort this out.
	You stay right there.
	Don't move until I tell you to.
	You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you.
	You got that, U.S.
	Air 2771?
	The humble crew responded, Yes, ma'am.
	Naturally, the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of U.S.
	Air Flight 2771.
	No one wanted to engage.
	The irate ground controller in her current state of tension.
	So every cockpit at LGA was running high, tension high.
	Shortly after the controller finished her admonishment of the U.S.
	aircrew, an unknown male pilot broke the silence and simply asked, Wasn't I married to you once?
	Anyway, Leland, that'll be good for perhaps the next book.
	I will certainly consider that.
	It sounds like a Mydoll moment.
	Yeah, that's right.
	You can get those, you know, they're preserved in the same way that 911 calls are.
	Just thought I'd toss an idea your way.
	It's a good one.
	In fact, I heard a tape of a lighthouse.
	A lighthouse?
	Yeah, they were talking to a ship at sea.
	Oh, yes.
	Have you heard that one?
	Yes, indeed.
	Each one urging the other to move.
	Yeah, I suggest you move because we're a lighthouse.
	That's right.
	All right, hold it right there.
	We'll come right back and we'll get into this CD and you guys aren't going to believe it.
	Here's a very short one.
	A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed just a little too high.
	San Jose Tower, American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able.
	If not, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.
	A kind of a dry way for a San Jose controller to tell a fellow you're about to To run off the end, bud, you're coming off in awful hot here.
	They have very dry senses of humor.
	Once again, here's Leland.
	Hi, Leland.
	Hey, Bart.
	How you doing?
	All right.
	I would like to now play some of these that we have.
	Great.
	All right.
	Prepare thyselves out there.
	These are real 911 calls you're going to hear.
	This first one, I don't even think I'll bring up the name.
	I'll just play it, and we'll let Do you have any introduction you wish to do for these, Leland?
	I have no idea.
	Well, mostly they're self-explanatory.
	This one, definitely.
	And some you can't explain.
	And some you'd rather not.
	Here comes number one.
	Listen carefully, everybody.
	Here we go.
	Oh, no, wait a minute.
	Oh, that wasn't helpful.
	That was the trash can sound.
	Here we go.
	Here we go.
	The number you have reached 9-1-1 has been changed to a non-published number.
	9-1-1 emergency?
	This is something you've got to see, this is unbelievable.
	And what's the problem here?
	I've got a man in the pool.
	He's got his private stuck in the pump line.
	What?
	You scared me!
	I'm telling you, honest to God, something you've really got to see to believe.
	North Florida?
	Yes, ma'am.
	I'm 243rd.
	You gotta stop laughing, Kevin.
	Yeah, this is something you just don't see every day.
	And he's in the pool?
	He's in the pool.
	He's been in there for three hours.
	It's gotta be shriveled up like jelly.
	I'm sorry.
	Hey, he's doing this.
	Okay, are you security there?
	Yeah, but I'm on the night clerk here.
	You're the night clerk.
	You can't keep laughing.
	We don't even have to talk about that one.
	It was all Probably self-evident.
	I'd like to hear a follow-up to it.
	I wonder if the fellow had a long recovery?
	Well, the follow-up that I know of is that the paramedics were dispatched, and it's a story that they now call Free Willy.
	Actually, I made that up, but it's kind of funny.
	But they were able to release the man.
	they of course first turned off the the the pool of palm palm
	uh...
	thought everyone thought would help but uh...
	unfortunately he was uh...
	wedged swollen
	spot and uh...
	and i think that i can't get out and any other way they were able to remove him
	with by using an industrial lubricant three hours he was in there for three hours hours
	and that i guess that falls under the category of g don't you hate that when
	Well, you know, how would you ever live in... I mean, you'd have to move.
	You'd have to move.
	Because that would be passed down from officer to son.
	Exactly.
	You'd probably wear a larger size pant for a while.
	You'd be no good in that community forever.
	All right.
	You know what?
	I listened to the one we just heard.
	Alan, oh God, this is going to be some show.
	So I haven't even heard the other ones.
	Oh, well then you're in for a lot of fun there.
	With the exception of the guy in the phone booth with the deer.
	That's beautiful.
	That really should be heard uncensored.
	Right.
	To be properly understood.
	But we'll get to that one in a minute.
	Something about a dead body?
	Yep.
	Alright, here it is.
	There's a dead body over here in front of my house.
	How do you know it's dead?
	Because the boy across the street in the back is hollering for somebody to call the police.
	He's yelling, call the police, call the police.
	He is dead?
	Since he's shot?
	He said he's dead.
	We get a lot of dead bodies sometimes.
	You hear the guy calling help now?
	All right.
	We'll be there.
	Thanks.
	We'll be there.
	Damn.
	A lot of people ask me, they say, well, you know, why didn't they dispatch somebody immediately?
	And it's like, well, a dead body is not a life or death emergency.
	If you look at it just very clinically, 911 is for life or death emergencies only.
	If you're already dead, It's not an emergency.
	You know, you're not really going to be going anywhere.
	But everybody who, I mean, if their aunt is suddenly dead, they call 911.
	Everybody calls 911 for a dead body, right?
	Oh, yeah.
	Especially if you find one in your front yard.
	Wherever you might find one, you're gonna call 9-1-1.
	Somebody's gonna scream, call 9-1-1.
	Exactly.
	So he was right.
	Dispatch was right.
	We get dead bodies all the time.
	Yeah, we get dead bodies all the time.
	How do you know he's dead?
	A key question.
	Alright, here we go.
	A vehicle and a locker.
	I know I saw a gab and tied up with an extension cord.
	I need it for a week.
	Sir, I can't understand you.
	Okay, he said that he's a victim of a locker he's been tied up in a gab.
	Where is he at?
	Can you give us your address?
	600 what?
	Walnuts.
	Walnuts?
	Orange?
	Walnuts.
	Orange.
	Walnuts.
	Walnuts.
	Walnuts, sir?
	Walnuts.
	Orange.
	Walnuts?
	Um, do you want me to have the operator... Do you want me to have someone check this out?
	Please.
	Okay, just a moment.
	Please, I'm so sorry.
	I'm hungry.
	I understand.
	Is there 600 walnuts?
	Are you saying Olive?
	O-L-L-E-N-D I think I know what he's saying.
	Is it Atlantic?
	All right. 600 almond. Okay, that won't be necessary. You don't have to run a check. How long did this happen?
	Well, it's been three years. You got to send me to my apartment.
	Okay, listen to me. Listen to me. Do you live in a house or an apartment there?
	Apartment.
	What apartment do you live in?
	One, two.
	One, two? All right, one, two.
	What apartment?
	We will.
	Two. Two? Okay. And what's his last name?
	Michael... Michael... Michael Reno.
	Okay, so we're gonna send the police out, alright?
	Your friend's got a headcrab with a gun in his face.
	Okay, fine line.
	That's kind of a worse situation.
	Let me go so I can send the police, alright?
	Bye-bye.
	I love it because they keep asking him questions.
	Would you let me go?
	No, that guy was bound and gagged and somehow he got the phone up there.
	How'd he do that?
	That I don't know.
	I've had stories of people who've knocked the phones off at their nose and dialed 911 with their tongue.
	I don't know what to do anyway.
	I closed my mic.
	that's getting quite this i don't know what to do anyway i close my mind i was
	up of the secretariat that was funny
	that was really funny well brother one of my favorite was simply because
	i mean they had to that that dispatchers worked in tandem because apparently
	one of them could understand garbled language Oh, he said he's a victim of a robbery.
	He's been bound and gagged and tied up with extinction cord.
	Maybe a dental assistant would be somebody to do that.
	Was it almond?
	Almut?
	Oh, come on!
	And then you find, like, the nut.
	This poor son of a gun is tied up, bound and gagged.
	Somehow he gets a phone.
	Just listen to a moment more of it.
	Just listen to a moment more of it What I find interesting is that the way the human mind works is that after a while they get into the nut category by mistake.
	Did you say walnut? Walnut? No, Alma!
	Not a poor guy. I mean, we're dealing with somebody who probably was robbed.
	I know.
	Tied up in gag.
	But if you listen to it over and over again, you can hear him say,
	I'm a victim of a robbery, I've been bound and gagged and tied up with extension cord.
	But give the 600, Alma.
	All right. We've got so many to go through.
	three ago i hope the report but i don't know we've got to report the
	crime of the disturbing quickly to get the same person at the same
	address which one apparently have a lot of the people in all all my long all
	of them all all of the department of the weekend please
	would you please put them on the road please thank you
	uh... she uh... not enough money for you to do it Not a word about where they are or anything, huh?
	No, yeah.
	Really, I never noticed that.
	I have a neighbor.
	Can you put him under arrest?
	Thank you.
	Yeah, that's right.
	And not a word about where or anything else.
	How funny.
	I never even thought about that.
	They've got a commercial on TV you may have seen where there's this big hefty guy sitting in a little cubicle taking complaints for a company.
	Have you seen that?
	No, I haven't.
	And this lady is screaming at him and screaming at him and then And he finally says to her at the end, well, what's the problem?
	The problem?
	Click!
	Same kind of deal.
	Really?
	How funny is that?
	Alright.
	There's 44 cuts on the CD Wacky 9-1-1, and it's about an hour's worth, so it's a really good party tape.
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah, so if you want to just sit around, you know, if you want to listen to them all at once, that's fine, but spread them out.
	Spread them out and savor them, huh?
	Yeah, or listen to them in your...
	You might not want to listen to them in your car, because... You might drive off the road.
	Exactly.
	Then you'll be in volume two.
	What is noise at school?
	It's another noise complaint, like the one previous.
	The guy's calling because someone's working at the school at night.
	At night?
	Yeah.
	Alright, here we are.
	Yeah, you have got people working in the school right now and have been working all night long, violating the noise code over here.
	They're reporting a noise complaint.
	That's not an emergency call, sir.
	You'll have to call the business line.
	Really?
	Yes, really.
	This is for emergency calls only.
	Well, how about if I shoot him?
	Would it be an emergency then?
	Sure would!
	But you'll have to call back on the business line.
	Thank you.
	There's that dark sense of humor.
	If I shoot him, would it be an emergency?
	Sure would!
	Then you can call me back, but until then, call the business line.
	I wonder if they would dispatch on that, you know, just the The possibility there's a threat that the guy might go over there and shoot somebody.
	They actually might dispatch on that.
	I guess it depends on how busy they are.
	Because there's some examples on the CD Wacky 911 where they do dispatch for non-emergency numbers, non-emergency calls.
	Listen, how about your book?
	Now, how does that interact with the CD?
	Well, the book is What's the Number for 911?
	And I wrote that last year.
	None of the stories in the book are the same as the stories on the CD, except for one, Joe vs. the Deer.
	I put that in both the book and the CD because it's so incredibly funny that I just had to put them in both.
	So the stories are exclusive of themselves.
	So the book's got its own stories, the CD has its own stories.
	well i try and keep my program pretty
	clean you know i really do i i don't want to by also a occasional hell or dam
	that's about it uh... however
	joe and the deer was so funny please please eric it was so funny that what i did was
	i uh...
	i put it up on the website about a year and a half ago raw and i put all kinds of warnings
	on their really really really bad language and all the rest of it
	but we did put the unedited version on my website
	It's the wildest thing we ever did in that category.
	It's very funny.
	My partners and I just, you know, we had the option of, of course, including it as-is and several of the other cuts as-is with all the language and, you know, expletives and things like that.
	For some reason, we just decided, you know, let's go ahead and censor them out, make it more Well, I don't know if we've got enough time to play it, but I'm going to try before the top of the hour.
	person as right but if the expletives are cut out grown-ups don't know what
	they're saying you know and actually Joe versus the deer I don't think lost any
	of its humorous value with the beat well I don't know if we've got enough time to
	play it but I'm gonna try before the top of the hour here's Joe versus the
	nurses three emeralds emergency line do you have an emergency I need a man but
	that who is this Joe.
	Okay, so where do you need us?
	I'm in the mothafuckin' phone booth.
	Okay, what's the address there?
	Hold on.
	Okay, Joe, I need a location.
	What street are you on?
	Uh, I'm in the mothafuckin' phone booth at the Stop N' Go.
	Yeah, I'm at the... That's it.
	I'm at the mothafuckin' Stop N' Go.
	On, uh, wait a minute.
	Huffsm... What's the mothafuckin' street?
	Huffsmith... Coral River Street in Tampa.
	Let the mothafuckin' stop and go.
	Yo!
	Uh-huh?
	How about it?
	Let me see.
	I'm in the mothafuckin' phone booth.
	Let me tell you what.
	I'm goin' down the mothafuckin' road, drivin' in my car, mindin' my own goddamn business, and a mothafuckin' deer jumped out and hit my car.
	Okay, sir.
	Are you injured?
	Let me tell you.
	I get out and pick the mothafuckin' deer up.
	I thought he was dead.
	I put the mother f*er here in my back seat and I'm driving down the mother f*er road and minding my own business.
	The mother f*er woke up and bit me in the back of my g*.
	He bit me and it done kicked the s*** out of my car.
	I'm in the mother f***er phone booth.
	The deer bit me in the neck.
	A big mothafuckin' dog came up and bit me in the leg.
	I hit him with the mothafuckin' tire iron and I stabbed him.
	I stabbed him with my knife.
	So I got a hurt leg and the mothafuckin' deer bit me in the neck.
	And the dog wanted me out of the mothafuckin' phone booth.
	Cause he wants the deer.
	Now who gets the deer?
	Me or the dog?
	Okay sir, are you injured?
	Yeah!
	My mothafuckin' deer bit me in the neck!
	Hold on.
	And I'm hot on the trail of finding the actual dispatcher who took the call.
	or animal and i really don't know uh... pop-up operated called the greatest part of the that's
	that's gotta be one of the greatest calls ever ever made to a any
	dispatch center anywhere right and i'm not hot on the trail of finding the
	actual dispatcher who took the call i've got a uh... elite from a detective
	agency in the kit in new york
	really into ownership of the that call
	and and i'm tracking it down now also got of dispatch center in houston texas
	that claim that the call came from there to are you know i'd like you know what
	i'd like to i'd like to give you joe yes i think that the trouble is
	Uh, track down Joe and interview him.
	Trouble is, of course, you could never put him on the air.
	Right.
	Not in a million years.
	Unless you had a tape delay.
	Or unless it was your last act.
	Really?
	Alright, stay right there.
	We'll be right back.
	I'm Art Bell.
	This is Coast to Coast AF.
	All right, and so they're low. They gotta get right back where we started from.
	Love is good, love can be strong. They gotta get right back where we started from.
	When you first came my way, I said no one can take your place.
	And if you get hurt, by the little things I say, I can set you free.
	I'm a good man.
	Bye.
	Saturday night I was downtown Workin' for my FBI Headin' in a mess of veterans Wish I was out of my mind
	Food, liquor, booze are on my website All the people know I'm doin' wrong
	Yeah, somebody call up the G.A. man When I'm through that's when I sing the song
	Wanna take a ride?
	Call Art Dell from west of the Rockies at 1-800-618-8255.
	East of the Rockies, 1-800-825-5033.
	First time callers may reach Art at 1-775-727-1222.
	to the Rockies 1-800-825-5033.
	First-time callers may reach out at 1-775-727-1222.
	The wildcard line is open at 1-775-727-1295.
	And to call out on the toll-free international line, call your AT&T operator and have them dial 800-893-0903.
	This is Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell from the Kingdom of Nine.
	Aha!
	It is.
	You know, that poor guy who was bound and gagged.
	It's possible to laugh so hard That you injure yourself.
	You actually injure yourself.
	You know, for a few days, you'll have a strange little pain in your side that you can't identify.
	It comes from laughing too hard.
	Back now to Leland Gregory.
	Leland, it really is possible... I started laughing so hard during the gag thing.
	You know, I'd heard Joe before, but the gag thing...
	That got me big time.
	I was laughing so hard, I think I hurt myself.
	Yeah, I've had to have my spleen replaced already.
	Yeah, it's not a bad way of making a living, Art.
	It's a really weird way to make a living.
	Yeah, well, I'm sure you understand that being on the radio.
	I do.
	I do.
	Sitting here five hours a night doing whatever it is I do.
	Totally weird, but I wouldn't trade it.
	Like you said, we think it's beneficial, but we don't know why.
	Yeah, actually, that could be said about my show, too.
	There you go.
	Absolutely right.
	Alright, let's make our way through.
	You call them.
	Now, I presume you've got a list in front of you, right?
	I have all of them right here, yes.
	So, I'm going to defer to you about where I should go.
	You give me a number and I'll go there.
	Okay, I like number six.
	Number six.
	Actually, it was the one coming up next anyway, but this is a call that is one of the ones You know, I said some are self-explanatory and some you can't explain.
	Yes.
	This one you can't explain.
	All right, here it comes.
	I don't know what, something is happening to me right now.
	I don't know what is going on.
	It's just, it's hard, I don't like, it's hard to explain because things are just growing on, out of my mind.
	What?
	And I am not calling it just no joke.
	Do you need the police or do you need an ambulance?
	I need the ambulance.
	I need to go to the hospital because something... things are just growing in my mouth.
	Like what?
	I don't know what... Alright, hold on.
	Let me connect the ambulance.
	What?
	I don't know what is going on but something is growing.
	Things are growing in my mouth.
	Things are growing in your mouth?
	Yes, I don't know what is going on.
	I was in the bed and now things are growing in my mouth.
	Things are growing in your mouth?
	Yes.
	What kind of things growing in your mouth?
	I don't know what they are.
	I can't see them.
	Can you feel them?
	Well, yes, I feel them in my mouth, but I don't know what they are.
	What do they feel?
	Do they feel like trees?
	Or limbs?
	Or what?
	Like circles.
	Like circles?
	Oh, like little balls or something.
	I don't know what they are.
	Have you looked in the mirror?
	I'm afraid to.
	Oh, God.
	That's a riot.
	the absolute riot.
	Do you ever, Leland, get follow-ups to any of these to know what was growing in this guy's mouth?
	No, I think he probably took a little tiny square of paper that had certain chemicals on it Oh.
	And ate it earlier.
	I see.
	Like trees or limbs?
	When the cop does that, do they feel like limbs?
	Limbs or trees?
	Now you could tell I was somewhere in the South.
	Yes, actually, my hometown, Nashville, Tennessee.
	Oh, that came from Nashville?
	Yes, sir.
	I love the way people talk in Nashville.
	Isn't it charming?
	It is.
	You must not be native, because I don't hear Nashville in you.
	Well, my father was in the Air Force, so I'm from the eastern United States.
	My dad was in the Marines, and so I'm I'm a world citizen.
	See, that's why we're in the business that we're in.
	We seclude ourselves now because we just don't want to go anywhere else.
	You're absolutely right about that.
	Absolutely right.
	Stuff growing in his mouth.
	Alright, direct me.
	Oh, go to the next one.
	Track 7.
	This is a man who somehow thinks that the operators are there like an ATM machine.
	Alright, here it comes.
	9-1-1?
	It's Chris, a minute please.
	Okay, what do you need?
	Chris?
	This is, uh, 9-1-1.
	Did you need the police?
	Uh, yes ma'am, I sure do.
	Well, who's Chris?
	Uh, he was the policeman that did all my paperwork.
	Uh-huh.
	Uh, I think I need the assistance of emergency.
	I'm dialing 9-plus-9-1-1.
	I've got an immediate fact to do.
	Back to Dr. ****** immediately.
	Uh, and the hotel is not cooperating with me.
	It's for $2 bucks worth of money.
	I have $2 cash in this room somewhere, but I can't find it.
	I've got to get the fax off to Dr. ******.
	Now, I was told by your police department that when I needed them at the right time, they'd come and take care of the situation.
	Is that true, or is that a lie?
	Let me, uh, just verify why you're calling.
	You're calling 9-1-1.
	Yes, ma'am.
	9 plus 9-1-1.
	Okay.
	I have an emergency.
	You have an emergency because you need to send a fax.
	For two bucks.
	Do you need the paramedics or something?
	That would be good.
	Okay, so you need the paramedics to respond to the most...
	Provided they got two bucks to lend me until I can get to the bank and get my $920.
	Oh, yeah, you know what?
	That's not gonna happen.
	What's gonna happen?
	You know what?
	Then I'll get the damn $2 from them.
	I'm your most prominent new citizen.
	Doesn't Dr. ______ have any clout even in this town?
	Okay, well, I don't have two bucks to lend you, sir, so I'm not sure what to tell you.
	No, I don't know, sir.
	Uh-huh.
	I think so.
	Okay, well, I don't have two bucks to lend you, sir, so I'm not sure what to tell you.
	Tell me where I can find two measly dollars in a pound.
	I don't know, sir.
	I'll find it.
	Uh-huh.
	Bye.
	Okay.
	Good night.
	21, 10, 28.
	I'm sure that's a man who everybody has run into in their life, someone with that kind
	Well, you've got to give the 9-1-1 operator a lot of credit there.
	She hung in longer than I would have.
	Oh yeah.
	What I love is when they recap it, to try to let the caller know how stupid they sound.
	She said, now let me see, you're calling emergency 9-1-1 because you have a fax, an immediate fax that needs to go out immediately.
	You need two bucks.
	Yep, that's right.
	I responded to some callers.
	It didn't register like, hey moron, don't do that.
	I responded to some callers in the same way.
	It's kind of like, stop a minute in your story.
	Now let me get this straight, what you're saying here.
	Some of it is so fantastic that I hear from my callers that I have to literally, just as she did, stop them and be sure in my mind that they just said what they really said.
	And that's what happened to that young lady.
	Yeah, she's actually one of my friends who is a dispatcher.
	Oh, is she really?
	Yeah, she's one who's been very nice enough to supply me with a lot of tapes because she understands the reason, you know, she enjoys the humor behind it.
	It's one of her favorite cuts.
	Even at the expense of others, which this really is, laughter Is really good for you, and doctors say, they really do say, and I bet you've researched this, that you'll live longer if you laugh.
	That's true.
	And I'm hoping to get to at least, you know, I'm 40 now, I mean I'll take 45, just anything.
	And how long ago did you begin this project now?
	Well, about two years ago.
	I started writing the first draft of the book, and I don't know if people know about the literary world, but Usually you write the first draft, and by the time it's accepted to the time it hits the shelf, there's about a year.
	It takes about a year for it to get on the shelf.
	That's right.
	And then about six months or so to write it, so... It's been about two, two and a half years, and it took that long to collect this many audio cuts, because they're very, very, very hard to get.
	Alright, shall we proceed by the number?
	Yeah, that's fine.
	The next two are short and short ones in a row.
	All right, then we'll do them in a row.
	Here we go.
	9-1-1.
	Yeah, I don't know if I need, like, emergency, emergency, but who do I talk to if somebody just walked off with all your laundry at Laundromat?
	Call 2000.
	Thanks.
	Two thousand.
	Thanks.
	Uh huh.
	... five, go six, one oh five north avenue...
	Laundry gone!
	Yeah, hi, is this 9-1-1?
	Yes, it is.
	Yeah, listen, now, if somebody comes in my house, and my fiancée, okay, and takes my TV and sold it when I went to go get her some rolled tacos, now, can you, can you, now, can you get her busted for that?
	What city are you talking about, sir?
	She took my TV and sold it out of my house.
	Okay, let me get you to the police department, okay?
	Alright, thank you.
	Hold on.
	I just feel like he's out buying rolled tacos, which is something that I don't think I've
	ever heard before, but I guess I'm not from California.
	And she took his TV.
	Yeah, while he was out getting her dinner.
	Go on, number 12 is very funny, because Joe vs. the Deer was 11, but go to 12, and this is another one where...
	Well, I won't give away the ending of what happened, but it's a non-emergency call, as they all are.
	9-1-1?
	This isn't really an emergency, but it is sort of one to this little old lady.
	I've been terribly upset, and I thought the only thing I could do, I don't think, of sleep pills and all of that.
	I went out and bought myself a couple of small bottles of beer.
	I thought that would relax me.
	What's the problem?
	The problem is I can't open the bottle.
	Could you send a man over and I'll be downstairs and have him open the bottle?
	Okay, now wait a minute.
	Okay, wait a minute.
	Am I correct that you can't sleep?
	So you went out and bought two bottles of beer and you want a policeman to come by and open them for you?
	Yes, please, because I don't have any equipment here that seems to handle that kind of a prop.
	And I have never gone in.
	I think I had a ketchup bottle once and a neighbor broke the top off.
	Oh, well, listen, I'm going to get you someone out there to open those beer bottles.
	Well, you just stay in your apartment now and I'll send him up to the apartment.
	What's your phone number?
	Uh, well, I take a look at it.
	It's a new one and I don't remember it very well.
	Well, I can probably see it.
	It's all blotted and blurred.
	It looks like, uh...
	I can't see it with all the magnifying glass.
	Okay, you can't see it without magnifying glass.
	That's okay that I don't know your phone number now.
	Well, it looks like it.
	It's, uh, it has been put in by the operator, or the one that put the phone in, and, uh, it's down below, and that is, was it, and then they put another one on the top, and they're sort of overblurred.
	I'm sorry about that.
	Oh, that's okay.
	I'll just get it... I'm cold sober, and I...
	Yeah, and I don't have any bad intent or anything.
	I just need to be able to go to sleep.
	I know.
	Well, we'll get you out there to open that beer bottle.
	Thank you.
	You're welcome.
	Uh-huh.
	Can I hang up?
	Yes.
	Okay.
	Okay.
	Bye-bye.
	Bye-bye.
	Incredible.
	Absolutely incredible.
	Now, the funny, the interesting part is that after they hang up, there's a little bit left on the cut where the dispatcher calls the policeman.
	And says, uh, Charlie 14, assist the elderly resident.
	And he comes back saying, and he says, assist the elderly resident doing what?
	And there's a pause, and she said, per the captain's instructions, we prefer not to give the code out over the air.
	Maybe, maybe I, maybe I can get this.
	Okay.
	Female.
	Uh, Charlie 2, it's been okayed.
	Per the lieutenant, we prefer not to give the code out on the air.
	Okay, so that tells me one thing.
	They have a code to dispatch a police officer to open beer bottles.
	I have no idea what it would be.
	I dispatched.
	There was no such code.
	There can't be any such code.
	I guess that's standard equipment for police.
	It's like, gun, handcuffs, pistol.
	Yeah, but she went ahead with it.
	Yeah, she went ahead and dispatched a police officer.
	To open a beer.
	I've never heard of that before in my life.
	Never, no.
	That's a very nice 9-1-1 center.
	Yeah, and you can tell that at the very beginning of the call, the operator sounds a little hesitant.
	Like, let me get this straight.
	You want me to send out a cop to do that?
	That's right.
	And then she realizes that it's just this sweet old lady who's having trouble sleeping.
	Okay, honey, I'll send someone out, open them beer bottles for you.
	You know?
	That really is sweet.
	I guess in some parts of the country.
	Somehow or another, I don't think that would be happening in New York or LA.
	Probably not.
	Maybe in Nashville, but probably not even Nashville.
	You'd probably have to go out a little bit.
	Yeah, this woman was from a smaller town, as you can tell.
	That was really sweet, anyway.
	Yeah, I thought it was really nice.
	She's, like I said, she's the lady who's been supplying me with a lot of the calls.
	She's a really nice lady.
	Alright.
	Once they realize that, you know, it's not a prank call, That the lady just really needs help opening her beer bottles, and why not?
	All right.
	Very nice.
	On to homework?
	Yeah, please.
	Homework helper.
	Here we go.
	911, what's the matter?
	I need some help.
	What's the matter?
	Where's my math?
	What, your mouth?
	No, it's my math.
	I have to do it.
	Will you help me?
	Sure.
	Where do you live?
	No, it's my math.
	Yeah, I know.
	Where do you live, though?
	No, I want you to talk to me on the phone.
	No, I can't do that.
	I can call someone off to help you.
	Okay, um... What kind of math do you have that you need help with?
	I have... I have takeaways.
	Oh, you gotta do the takeaways?
	Yeah.
	Alright, what's the problem?
	Um... You have to help me with my math.
	Okay.
	Tell me what the math is.
	Okay.
	Sixteen.
	Yeah?
	Take away eight.
	Uh-huh.
	Guess what?
	You tell me.
	How much do you think it is?
	I don't know.
	One?
	No.
	How old are you?
	I'm only four.
	Four?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	What's another problem?
	That was a tough one.
	Um...
	Oh, here's one.
	Five, take away five.
	Five, take away five.
	And how much do you think that is?
	Sonny, what are you doing?
	The police man called me.
	I'm gonna tell you about playing on the bus.
	You know, I need help.
	The cops on the bus.
	I need to get to the police.
	Shit!
	Another case of a very nice 911 dispatch.
	Oh, that was really nice.
	I just love the ending, though.
	Charlie, what are you doing?
	A nice policeman's helping me with my math.
	She was a cute little one, wasn't she?
	Yeah, it's just a really charming story, and it ends well, and it's just very funny.
	And what's funny, as Homer Simpson would say, it's funny because it's true.
	Yeah, because it's true.
	That's right.
	And that's why everybody can identify with these kinds of things.
	There's a lot of samples.
	When I wrote the book, What's the Number for 9-1-1?, I came across just a ton of transcripts that I was unable to find the actual audio for.
	But I put the transcripts in the book.
	So What's the Number for 9-1-1?
	one one has about a hundred and seventy stories and transcripts and the cd
	wacky nine one one has like i said about forty four tracks and it's about an
	power in link
	now if you put joe and the deer in the book did you put it in
	on censored all you you really
	Yeah, I went ahead and made little asterisks and stuff like that when he used those hyphenated words.
	I mean, I put the M, so people don't think he's saying, you know, like a white-tailed deer or any other kind of hyphenated deer.
	And also, that one is so popular that, as you did, we put it on our website at wacky911.com.
	The censored version, of course.
	We have... Now, we have a link on our website, to your website, so people can hear that.
	If they want to re-hear Joe, there is a place to do it, and also the... Well, we'll get all the information about the CD and the book on here in a minute.
	Stay right where you are.
	I'm Art Bell, and this is Coast to Coast AM, laughing our way through this night.
	Every night I hope and pray A dream lover will come my way A girl to hold in my arms
	And know the magic of her charms Cause I want a girl to call my own
	I want a dream lover So I don't have to dream alone
	Dream lover, where are you?
	Long ago in days of old There lived a knight who wasn't quite as bold
	As a knight should be He rode an old grey mare called Bess
	Searching for a damsel in distress you
	Just to see if he could set her free.
	See the knight in rusty on the right, set to array.
	Trusty sword is hanging at his side, with a rusty blade.
	Wanna take a ride?
	Call Art Bell from west of the Rockies at 1-800-618-8255.
	East of the Rockies at 1-800-825-5033.
	800-618-8255, east of the Rockies at 1-800-825-5033.
	First-time callers may reach our debt area code 775-727-1222, or call the wildcard line
	at 775-727-1295.
	To talk with Art on the toll-free international line, call your AT&T operator and have them dial 800-893-0903.
	This is Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell.
	It certainly is.
	Good morning, everybody.
	Leland Gregory is here with a riotous CD that he's put together.
	9-1-1 calls.
	Actually, it's a...
	Actually called Wacky 911 and he's got a book to go with it and if you'll get out a piece of paper and a pencil in a moment I know a lot of you are going to want this CD or if you don't you're crazy and we're going to tell you how to get it so Pencil and paper ready.
	we'll get it to you in a second.
	How they still got married and have twins They came in to him
	Every suit of armor ever made Has a king
	Chainmail pants with a missing leg Yes, I know.
	There was an extra commercial in there because I blew a break earlier.
	I was laughing so hard.
	I totally blew right through a break.
	It happens to me every now and then.
	So I'm making up.
	Sorry about that.
	Leland Gregory, back again.
	Hi.
	Hey.
	Alright.
	We want to get the intro.
	First of all, if you want the CD, and there are 44 cuts on the CD.
	There's a lot of stuff on the CD, folks.
	How do they order the CD?
	That's going to be the most popular item, I bet.
	Okay.
	If you go to our website at wacky911.com or click through Art Bell's website which is connected to ours.
	That's right, we have a link up.
	We always do for tonight's guest.
	Right, so it's wacky911.com and you can listen to free samples from the CD, order the CD, you can order the book.
	What's the number for 9-1-1 and my other goofy books like America's Dumbest Criminals and Great Government Goofs and all that.
	We also have a toll-free number.
	That's what I want.
	There you go.
	It's 1-866-754.
	Right.
	Tape.
	T-A-P-E, which is 8-2-7-3.
	It's tape, but it's a CD.
	It makes sense, huh?
	Well, phone numbers have probably been around for a while.
	Yeah.
	And tape, at least people can remember it.
	Well, they can, but let me read it again.
	How much is the CD, by the way?
	The CD is $14.95.
	Worth every penny.
	And the book is $8.95.
	Oh, is that all it is?
	That's really cheap.
	I'm telling you, buddy.
	I'm not out to rip people off.
	Alright, it's 1-866-754-8273.
	Correct.
	Nobody sells a book that cheap anymore.
	I'm telling you, man, I'm one of the last few.
	I'm doing it out of the goodness of my heart.
	I bet you're laughing that laugh all the way to the bank.
	This is good stuff.
	I'm sure that the quantity makes up, I suppose, for it.
	Yeah.
	Well, the book, What's the Number for 9-1-1?
	Like I said, it's got about 50 or 60,000 in print.
	It's done really, really well.
	You know, I was on the Today Show twice, and MSNBC, and Inside Edition, and Extra.
	It just seems like a lot of people are interested in the stupid things people say on the phone.
	Yeah, well, and the stupid things people do, too.
	Exactly, yeah.
	I mean, for the last five years, that's what I've made my career, writing stupid books And doing politics.
	So it's... Actually, there's a very close relationship, isn't there?
	It's very close.
	Between stupid criminals and politicians.
	It's almost redundant, isn't it?
	Let us move on.
	Fourteen.
	Is fourteen good?
	Uh, let's see.
	Eh, not the funniest.
	Let's go to fifteen.
	Alright.
	Fifteen it is.
	Here we go.
	911 emergency.
	What are you reporting? 911.
	9-1-1, what are you reporting?
	I don't know.
	You don't know what you're reporting?
	This is 9-1-1.
	Do you have an emergency there?
	Is there anybody else there that can tell me whether you're having an emergency?
	Just your phone.
	Well, your phone's the one that called us.
	I'm going to New York next week.
	You're going to New York next week?
	Is that an emergency?
	I don't know.
	Are you still there?
	I'm still here.
	Well, I'm still here too.
	Okay.
	Is there anybody else there?
	No.
	So you're all by yourself?
	No.
	But it is when you call 9-1-1 and we're trying to help you.
	I don't want that.
	You don't want that?
	No.
	Well then why did you call 9-1-1?
	I didn't call 9-1-1.
	You didn't call 9-1-1?
	No.
	Okay, so if I hang up, you're going to be okay?
	Oh, man, I'm fine.
	You're going to be fine if I hang up?
	I'll be fine.
	Okay, now if you have an emergency, you know you can call us.
	I will do that.
	Okay.
	Okay, bye-bye.
	Well, I say alcohol plays a big part in a lot of 9-1-1 calls.
	You know what was getting to me during that one?
	You could hear the other 9-1-1 operators cracking up in the background, and they had to be cracking up Only from hearing her side of the conversation.
	Exactly, yeah, because I mean, they're on headphones, as you know, so there's no way that the other operators could have heard what he was saying.
	But what she was saying was funny, you know, all by itself.
	Exactly, but yeah, what I do like, that the background, they hear him laughing because she's saying, No, that's not a bad thing, but it isn't, you know.
	But the guy was obviously very blitzed.
	But he's going to New York, so that's an important thing.
	That's right, yes.
	Onward.
	Please, give me that mace, number 16.
	Really?
	Oh yeah.
	Alright, here we go.
	Hello, this is the police.
	It's an emergency, not really a bad emergency, but let me talk to a policeman.
	It's going to be one pretty soon.
	Can I talk to you?
	Yes, what's the problem?
	I'm sorry, I'm all excited.
	My wife is invalid.
	She goes back and forth through the house here.
	Roaring, ranting, and raving, and she's threatening me with one of those CD things.
	What do I do?
	What's a CD thing?
	I don't know, one of those squirter things you do when somebody attacks ya.
	That's not for attack purposes, is it?
	You know what I mean.
	You mean mace?
	Whatever it is, in the little tube.
	Yeah?
	Okay, isn't that for defense?
	Sure.
	Okay.
	Now, she has a permit to carry it.
	What do I do to get rid of it?
	Throw it away.
	Okay.
	Okay.
	Thank you.
	You're welcome.
	I just need a little dose of common sense.
	It's like, how do I get rid of it?
	Well, I can tell you a little story about police and mace.
	Okay.
	And again, you've got to understand a cop's sense of humor.
	I don't know if any of you out there have ever been maced.
	I have.
	Because it's the fun thing for the police to do.
	They take a new dispatcher and they say, you should experience mace.
	And they put a little bit on your finger and say, here, put this in the corner of your eye.
	Oh my God.
	And you do that.
	And then, of course, everybody has fun with you for about the next 30 minutes while you're trying to wash your eye out and hopping around and screaming.
	It's rough stuff.
	But I'll tell you what the seaside police used to do.
	We'd dispatch seaside.
	They would take, you know, we had motorcycle cops.
	And they would take mace and spray it on the inside of the glass plate of the motorcycle cop's helmet.
	So he'd get out there, get on a cycle, slam the helmet down, and take off.
	And let me tell you, let me tell you, you're blind.
	When mace hits you, you are blind.
	There are so many tears coming out of your eyes.
	You're just blind.
	So you can imagine what it's like to be tooling down and all of a sudden have the mace hit you.
	They did that.
	They really did that.
	That's as bad as putting nair in someone's jockstrap.
	People can do the meanest things.
	Like I said, I went through a lot of calls to get these, and there's some that I wish I had that are in the book, but I couldn't get them for the CD.
	A man called, and the operator said, 911, what's your emergency?
	The man said, you've got to help me.
	My wife's having a baby, and her contractions are coming two minutes apart.
	The operator said, calm down, sir.
	Tell me, is this her first child?
	He said, no, you idiot, this is her husband.
	Well, moments of stress.
	Exactly.
	Communications break down, like another one was a lady called and the operator said, 911, what's your emergency?
	And the woman said, I heard some shots fired at the brown house on the corner.
	And the operator said, ma'am, do you have an address?
	if you could know i'm wearing a blouse black pop-up but but but but but
	you know that that will under stress really strange things do happen to
	normal normal people no question about it
	you can't prepare for the one one gentleman called and the operation of the one boy with your burden of fire
	or emergency he said
	you gotta help me my marijuana plant the burning
	pop-up pop-up pop-up but but but but but
	That must have been America's Dumbest Criminals.
	No, this is it.
	Well, it was after he got arrested, because they dispatched the fire department.
	And when the fire department got there, the fire had already been put out, but they found the man sitting in the kitchen, in the dark, playing his guitar.
	So it's that whole, you know, that whole secondary smoke thing.
	It must be true.
	Yeah, there must be something to it.
	Alright, here we go.
	Son of a b****, don't you ever hang up on me again.
	Man, what's the problem?
	She just hung up on me.
	No, I didn't talk to you.
	What's the problem?
	Well, the one I was talking to, she hung up on me.
	And I don't go for that.
	Ma'am, she was now turning 9-1-1 life and death emergency calls.
	What's your emergency?
	I bet.
	I bet.
	You tell her not to ever hang up on me again.
	I'm a citizen of the United States.
	I have a right to complain.
	And you guys don't like it, you're gonna get a complaint.
	Okay, just make sure you follow that up with the traffic division, okay?
	What I like about that was the lady said, I have a right to complain, and if you don't like it, I'm gonna file a complaint.
	And so the operator says, OK, man, but you'll have to take that up with the traffic division.
	Oh, well, at least, you know, and they really are in life and death.
	And so a laugh every now and then is really important.
	Exactly.
	And, you know, as you know, I'm sure people can be very abusive.
	And like this lady who said, you know, don't you ever, you know, you, you, et cetera, et cetera, don't ever hang up on me.
	I know, it's alcohol, I'm telling you.
	Yeah, but the dispatchers still have to maintain this, you know, professional persona, and you know, even if they're being cursed at or yelled at, I've got some where they're, I mean, that I couldn't include, where they're just calling the operators every word imaginable.
	Oh, I know, I know.
	Operators have to be very, you know, detached and say, I understand, you know, is there an emergency?
	Do you need a paramedic?
	You know, when you know they want to just go... I know, that's why I left, because I realized that my heart wouldn't stand it.
	I just, after a year, and I actually got very proficient at it, but I realized that I would die early.
	I absolutely would die early.
	There was no way.
	I kept taking it home with me.
	I couldn't sleep at night.
	You know, the serious stuff that would happen, and then even the funny stuff that would happen.
	All of it was just really intense.
	The whole job was so intense, I just gave up on it.
	My only scenario with that is that my wife and I fell on a hard time several years ago, and I took a temporary job as a telemarketer.
	And I lasted about three days.
	Three days?
	I just couldn't stand calling people.
	Doing that to people.
	And they're going, who the hell are you?
	Blah, blah, blah.
	It's like, I don't want to do this anymore.
	So I quit.
	Telemarketers and conscious, if you have any sort of conscience at all, it'll just work on you.
	It'll eat you alive.
	Yeah, exactly.
	Yeah, can't do that to people.
	Alright, here we go.
	Well, how do you know you're dying?
	Well, I have a strange premonition about death.
	Have you taken any medication today?
	No.
	And do you have any weapons on you?
	No, of course not.
	Have you had anything to drink tonight?
	No, never would I have a drink.
	Okay, well I'm going to send the police out, but I... Nice of you!
	Finally!
	Get their asses out of here, please!
	Okay, sir?
	Well?
	Yeah, I'm going to send the police out, but I need to know, do you need an ambulance also?
	I don't know.
	You don't know?
	No.
	Sir?
	The police are coming.
	When should they be here?
	In a few minutes, but I need... Sir?
	When they get here, you may speak with them.
	I may speak with who?
	The police.
	I don't need to speak to the police, sir.
	You do.
	Okay, but I need to know, sir, you're saying that you're dying.
	Yes, I'm dying.
	Okay, I need to know if you need an ambulance, and if so, they're going to help you.
	I don't know how badly he's passed away.
	Okay, sir?
	No.
	Okay.
	When I call the fire department, should I send an ambulance?
	You called the fire department?
	Yeah, they're the ones who send the ambulance out.
	They're gonna need to know why.
	So I need to tell them.
	Yes.
	Yes, that would be nice.
	Okay, are you in there alone?
	Of course, of course. You have to buy three grandchildren.
	Yes, three.
	You have to buy three cats.
	Okay, you're the only human inside that room, is that correct?
	Yes.
	Okay.
	And my cats are very dear to me.
	Yeah.
	Okay.
	Okay, where are your grandchildren at?
	Okay, why did you mention them then?
	Is that where you live, sir?
	Do you live somewhere else?
	You do?
	Okay.
	Where do your grandchildren live?
	do you live somewhere else? I live at the grandchildren's.
	You do? Yeah. Okay. Where do your grandchildren live? They live with me at the grandchildrens. They live with you at
	the grandchildrens? Of course. Of course. Yeah.
	I live at the grandchildrens. I live at the grandchildrens.
	I live at the grandchildrens.
	I live at the grandchildrens. I live at the grandchildrens.
	I live at the grandchildrens.
	It's a bathroom.
	It's a bathroom.
	They are here.
	Where are they at right now?
	In the bathroom.
	So they are there?
	They are here.
	Okay.
	You tell me that they weren't there, only the cats were there.
	The cats are my grandchildren.
	Oh, okay.
	Okay.
	I'm going to go get my phone.
	Okay.
	I'm going to go get my phone.
	Okay.
	I'm going to go get my phone.
	Okay.
	I'm going to go get my phone.
	Okay.
	I'm going to go get my phone.
	Okay.
	So you don't have any actual human grandchildren then?
	Oh, no.
	Oh, okay.
	Okay, are you married?
	No.
	No?
	Okay, well, what's going on though?
	I don't know.
	I don't know.
	I'm dying.
	Okay, but you don't know why you're dying?
	No, I don't know why I'm dying.
	Okay.
	My heart.
	Mark, uh, would you excuse me please?
	Sure, why?
	Uh, may I call you back?
	Why don't you just leave the phone line open?
	Oh, of course.
	I believe the phone line doesn't work.
	At the moment, we're leaving!
	Ha ha ha ha!
	Elisa here.
	Yeah!
	That's who you called, sir.
	What?
	That's who you called.
	Remember?
	The police are here.
	Right.
	They may not cross the threshold.
	They may not cross you.
	They may not cross the threshold, though.
	Well, sir, you called.
	You said you were dying.
	Yes.
	And you needed help.
	Yes.
	That's why I sent the police.
	Oh, look.
	What?
	Close the door as you leave.
	Hello?
	Yeah.
	Sir.
	Uh-huh?
	Okay, what is it you'd like us to help you with?
	You called 911.
	Yes.
	Okay.
	You said you were dying.
	Yes.
	Okay.
	And so I sent you the police.
	Is there something else I can help you with?
	Yeah, uh, send the police back.
	Why?
	Send the paramedics.
	Okay, so you don't want the police in?
	Oh, I do, I do, I do, I do.
	Well, why don't you go step outside and talk to them then?
	Oh, I will.
	Oh, gladly.
	Okay, go ahead.
	Oh my God!
	You all right?
	We're at the top of the hour.
	I'm presuming and hoping you can stay, right?
	Leland, that you can stay, right?
	I would love that.
	All right, good.
	Staying you are then.
	That was priceless.
	I'm Art Bell.
	we'll be right back the
	the the
	This bottom of the lake has a real name.
	Wanna take a ride?
	Well, call Art Bell from west of the Rockies at 1-800-618-8255.
	East of the Rockies at 1-800-825-5033.
	First-time callers may recharge at 1-775-727-1222.
	to the Rockies at 1-800-825-5033.
	First-time callers may recharge at 1-775-727-1222.
	The wildcard line is open at 1-775-727-1295.
	And to recharge on the toll-free international line, eighteen t operator and have been dialing hundred eight
	nine three zero nine zero three
	this is close to close to him with our film on the premier radio network you know
	boy these girls can build out of song have they they're the flirtations and it
	wasn't really heard all that much in america and i sort of latched onto i said man i really like this
	song Oh, no way!
	They're from Britain, Great Britain, and all the way to Great Britain, the word got out that I was running this as bumper music, and the flirtations contacted me.
	I've got photographs, I've got an original 45 RPM record, and believe it or not, they're still together.
	They just really belted out.
	Anyway, we'll get back to Leland Gregory and wacky 9-1-1 stuff in just a moment.
	All right.
	Once again, back to Leland Gregory.
	There is one thing on my webcam tonight.
	See if you can decide what kind of powerful weapon I'm holding in my hand.
	And listen, this fellow has been so nice.
	Leland has been so nice in sharing all of this with us.
	Obviously, we're not going to get all the way through the CD, unless we really hurry.
	But the CD is for sale.
	The book is for sale.
	Both are incredibly reasonable.
	There's an 800 number to call, and I can't imagine you wouldn't want to have one of these.
	Simple as that.
	So I'm sure he's going to sell a million.
	The 800 number is 1-866-754-8273.
	That's 866-754-8273.
	number is 1-866-754-8273. That's 866-754-8273. Do you know if that's open a night?
	It's open...
	Operators are standing by.
	Are they really right now?
	Sleepy operators.
	Well, they're not going to be sleepy tonight.
	Good.
	They're going to be humming, that's for sure.
	Good deal.
	All right.
	Let us proceed.
	And let's see, where are we?
	We did number 18.
	Number 19 is quick and cute, and it's indicative of a big problem with 9-1-1.
	That is cell phone abuse.
	Almost everybody has a cell phone now.
	Yeah, I know.
	They're all abusive as far as I'm concerned.
	They're a pain in the butt.
	But a lot of cell phones were programmed to have one-button speed dial to dial 911.
	That's true.
	And if you don't activate the key guard on your phone and you are... One instance that just recently happened at a Razorback game in Alabama was a guy had his cell phone in his back pocket.
	And he kept jumping up and down celebrating the victory of his team, and every time he sat down, his butt dialed 911.
	And the only thing the operators could hear was the game.
	Now, that sounds kind of fun, but the problem is, not only do the operators have to take the call, but they're required that if there's no response, as you know, they have to call the number back.
	So not only do they waste their time receiving a call from a cell phone that someone hasn't deactivated, They also have to spend the time calling that number back to make sure that there's not an actual emergency situation.
	Well, being a talk show host, I hate cell phones.
	Because as far as I'm concerned, digital cell phones are a step backward for mankind, not forward.
	They sound horrible.
	But I'll tell you a little story.
	I had a friend in a very large corporation who went into a very critical board meeting.
	I'm not going to name this friend.
	He may know who he is.
	For some idiotic reason, during the critical juncture of this board meeting, my phone rang, and I sat there and I listened to the balance of this meeting that I wasn't supposed to hear.
	Oh, great.
	No kidding.
	So, you're absolutely right about inadvertent dials.
	Alright, well, here it is.
	Hello?
	Yes, this is 911.
	We just got a hang up call from the cell phone.
	Is there an emergency there?
	You know what?
	It must have been hit when the dog stepped on it.
	Okay.
	Watch the phone, please.
	The dog stepped on it.
	The dog stepped on it, right?
	And people have... I actually have an entire tape of callbacks where the operator would call back and the person would say, you know, no, I didn't call 911.
	It must have happened when I hit the brakes and the phone Hit the floor.
	And then a lot of people start getting very mean about it.
	No, I didn't call 9-1-1.
	Why would I call 9-1-1?
	Well, your phone called us.
	No, it didn't.
	There's no way.
	It's in my back pocket.
	That's right.
	Like, yeah, it's... Did you activate the key card?
	Don't know how to do that.
	Read the manual, you know?
	Yes.
	But it's a major problem.
	And the other problem with cell phones is that, as I said, everyone has one.
	So, say you're driving down the interstate and you see a fender bender on the side of the road.
	You think, well, I'll do my civic duty and call 9-1-1.
	Well, 500 other people who have just driven by that same accident are doing the same thing.
	Do you know the same thing applies to UFOs?
	How's that?
	I mean, when there are UFO sightings.
	That everyone calls them?
	Well, sure.
	I mean, for example, a craft moved over the city of Phoenix some years ago, and everybody picked up their telephone.
	Everybody picked up their telephones.
	He called 9-1-1.
	Oh, yeah, actually, yes.
	They handle a lot of calls like that.
	UFOs.
	Oh, yeah.
	Actually, I've heard some.
	There was one where a lady, like, at her bathroom window, smoking a cigarette, and she saw a low-flying aircraft.
	So she called in to report a UFO, and they said, you know, there's no... No one... The operator was very nice.
	She said, well, it's not that I think that you're lying, ma'am, but no one else in the entire city has called.
	She said, are you calling me a liar?
	Do you think I'm calling you for, because, you know, she said, could it be an air balloon?
	She said, no ma'am, you're not over a flight path.
	No one else called, you know, so, but yeah, I've actually got some, there was one on here where it's called, it's called Ride the UFO.
	Really?
	It's not about an actual UFO.
	It's about a guy who wants to Be picked up by an alien.
	He wants to be, oh no, wait a minute.
	Yeah, he's a little nutty.
	Alright, let me, uh... You wanna, wanna go ahead?
	Yeah, I'm gonna race ahead if I can.
	Sure, uh, track 28.
	Alright, here it comes.
	911 emergency.
	Uh, this is Elijah.
	What?
	Elijah, you know Elijah?
	No, I don't.
	Well, there's nobody down at the police station.
	Why does that keep beeping like that?
	It's on a recording.
	Oh, hey, a recording.
	That's great.
	You're not being recorded?
	Yes, sir.
	Hey, that's great.
	I want everybody to hear about me.
	Pretty soon, I'll be world famous.
	That's the truth.
	I'm going to Jerusalem pretty soon.
	God's going to take me this way.
	A spaceship.
	UFOs.
	You better believe it.
	They're everywhere.
	Everybody has seen them.
	Millions of people have seen them all around the world.
	Well, that's great.
	And God bless the police officers and the scientists and the ordinary people.
	Okay.
	No, but I'm going to have to go.
	So they do it, and I know all about it.
	I'm a geologist.
	I'm the number one scientist on this planet.
	I'm a geologist.
	I'm a scientist.
	Okay.
	Have you heard of Albert Einstein?
	No, but I'm going to have to go.
	I got other images.
	Well, I can explain to you his problem with relativity.
	Well, I don't have time to hear.
	I've got to hear it.
	But it's very simple.
	E does equal mc squared.
	That's right.
	Okay, Emmanuel Ephraim Messiah coming the second time.
	If that were an ancient country, it wasn't.
	I'm Chinese, it's true.
	And I'm a Jew.
	There's very few people in the world...
	That's right.
	I'm an engineer, I'm an electrician, a plumber, everything.
	I can do anything.
	I'm worth about $50 million a year.
	Elijah, I gotta go now.
	Okay, God bless you.
	Bye-bye.
	God bless her is right.
	What a tolerant lady.
	Very, but I like Einstein's Q and I'm a Q and no one understood him.
	I've got something here that you're going to love.
	I'm able to take messages from the internet as we go through the program.
	Bob from Can't Tell You in New York says, Where can us 911 operators and police dispatchers send our favorite calls?
	Oh, I love you, Bob.
	If they go to the website at wacky911.com, at the very bottom is a link that is my direct email.
	And if they email me, then I will give them all the information.
	I'd rather not give out my home address over the phone.
	No, I don't recommend that.
	But if they go to the wacky911.com, at the very bottom it says, for press information, Leland at wacky911.com.
	Click on that.
	It's a direct email to me.
	And I would be glad to take your stories.
	I just put together a sequel to the book called, What's the Number for 9-1-1 Again?
	And it is going to be released September 11th of this year, which of course, September 11th is 9-1-1.
	And it's National 9-1-1 Day proposed and put into law by President Ronald Reagan.
	Great date.
	So it's a great date.
	It's a great publicity date.
	So I'm still looking for new audio.
	We're thinking about putting together a sequel to the CD, but the CD's only been out like a month and a half.
	Oh, really?
	It's that new?
	Why put out a new one now?
	I know, but why not start collecting now?
	Oh, I am collecting.
	And Bob, if you hear me... Now, in this computer, at day and age, you can send a WAV file that is completely legible.
	Do you accept them in that Oh yeah, if you put it in a WAV file at 16-bit or 32-bit, or an MP3 file.
	Alright.
	Yeah, but you know, still, you know, if you got it on a cassette tape, I'll take it too.
	I'm up to my aching gut, shall I?
	Aching nut, hmm.
	Depends on your show.
	Oh, that's right, it's not... Why don't we skip on to 24, Lawn Naked Lady Stolen.
	Uh, really?
	Yeah, it's interesting.
	Yeah, that's not, that's not good.
	Yeah, you want to skip the next three.
	I see.
	Alright, here's your phone.
	911 emergency?
	Yes, I had a blonde woman, nude, in a white Mitsubishi, and somebody stole her.
	Somebody put a gun to her and took her.
	She's a blonde and she was- When did this happen, sir?
	Uh, just about five minutes ago.
	Okay, is she like a family member?
	Yes.
	How old is this person?
	She's, um, forty-five.
	And who took her?
	Huh?
	Who took her?
	I don't know.
	She was in her car.
	By herself or with someone else?
	By herself.
	I wasn't with her.
	I waited for her to come back.
	Somebody stole her!
	What do you mean someone stole her, sir?
	Somebody robbed her!
	Took her!
	Loot!
	Okay.
	Go on!
	This is a 40-year-old lady who lives with you?
	No, no, no.
	She's, uh, yeah, 40-year-old.
	Yeah, lives with me.
	Oh, she's supposed to live with me.
	Okay, now, was she in the car by herself, or was she taken- By herself.
	And how was she stolen?
	What?
	How was she stolen if she's riding in the car by herself?
	I don't know.
	I don't know.
	I'm robbery, I guess.
	I'm sorry?
	Armed robbery.
	Armed robbery?
	Yeah, armed robbery, I guess.
	Did she steal something from you?
	Huh?
	Did she steal something from you?
	No, no, no.
	No, no, no.
	Okay.
	So, uh, what's missing is the lady?
	The lady and her car.
	And her car?
	Yeah, and her car.
	Mr. Ricci.
	Gone.
	White.
	Okay, sir.
	Have you been drinking or anything?
	Yes, I have.
	Okay.
	What I'm getting from your story is that you're telling me that this lady was stolen?
	Yes.
	Okay, sir, that's really, uh...
	It's not possible.
	Oh, okay.
	If she's driving in the car by herself and no one took her... Okay, she's sneaking out of here.
	Okay?
	Okay?
	Okay.
	Bye-bye.
	Bye.
	My favorite line on that one is, Sir, have you been drinking?
	Yes, I have.
	Yes, I have.
	As long as he was honest.
	And it explains the whole thing.
	It's what I like about that one.
	I wonder if there was truth at the bottom of this.
	In other words, did he have a hooker there and someone stole his naked lady?
	No, I think what happened is he was out on a date and she drove away.
	She just drove away naked in her car.
	Now, whether she was naked or not, I don't know.
	But I just thought, oh, because he goes, oh, she's sneaking out on me, is what he said.
	So she just apparently just left, even drove away.
	And he thought someone stole her.
	So there again, as we know, alcohol plays a big part in 911 calls.
	But I just love the honesty.
	Sir, have you been drinking?
	I have.
	You know, people are sometimes remarkably honest.
	I watch cops a lot.
	You know, I watch a lot of reality TV.
	I like it.
	And they're remarkably honest sometimes.
	Oh yeah.
	And sometimes they're not a drop off, sir.
	You know, you can see the fumes coming out of the mouth.
	Yeah, what I like is sometimes they're honest because they don't know any better.
	There was one episode of Cops and I know the people that do the show because I did the America's Dumbest Criminals and so it's that same kind of family of stupid people.
	But there's one great scene from Cops where they pull this guy over and of course he doesn't have a shirt on because you're not allowed to wear a shirt if you're a criminal apparently.
	And during the whole interview he's got this rolled joint Sticking out behind his ear.
	Oh, I saw that one!
	Isn't that beautiful?
	And the cop is being so cool.
	No, no, I'm not stoned.
	No, don't worry about it.
	You haven't spoke to anything tonight?
	No, no, I don't touch that stuff and all the time it's behind his ear and the cop is being so cool about it all.
	And then they just play, oh, so what's this behind your... Oh, shit.
	You know, it's like I got busted.
	There's also one, which you may have seen, where they have this guy And he's obviously drunk as a skunk, but he's laughing.
	He's the best-humored drunk you've ever seen in your life, and he's trying to touch his nose, and he's falling backwards.
	He's falling down, yeah.
	Oh, God, that's funny.
	Very funny stuff.
	All right.
	Onward to, uh... Yeah, go ahead.
	I'm crazy.
	I can play, I'm crazy?
	Yes, sir.
	You warn me off now if I get to one that... Oh, believe me, I will.
	You know, like the gut one.
	Yeah, exactly.
	Emergency line.
	Hello, um, emergency police department?
	Um, I have someone out here that's going crazy and they need to be taken away because they can't drive themselves to the hospital.
	They can't drive themselves to the hospital?
	That's right.
	What kind of hospital?
	Mental hospital?
	Yeah.
	Can you drive him to the hospital?
	No.
	Is this a friend or relative of yours?
	No, it's me and my parents won't take me.
	It's what it is.
	Well, call a taxi.
	No, they have an emergency, this is an, they have an emergency takeaway service.
	Who?
	Every city has an emergency takeaway service, miss.
	Not this city.
	Fine, thank you.
	You're welcome.
	I like that.
	It's like, do you want fries?
	Take away the service.
	That's right.
	Oh, God.
	So really, it's been a lot of fun putting this stuff together, and particularly, especially,
	like I said, with the attitudes of the 911 dispatchers, like the guy that just emailed
	you saying, hey, let me get, where can I send the tapes?
	I've got stuff.
	Where do I send it?
	Yeah, exactly.
	What a great attitude is that.
	It's like, I think everyone understands that I'm certainly not out to insult the intelligence of the 911 operators.
	It's a group of people that I respect very highly.
	I wonder how many people, Leland, are out there this morning who listen to my program, and we have a big, big listenership, who are hearing themselves.
	You ever wonder about that?
	Well, see, there's the educational component that we were talking about.
	It sounds like it's beneficial, but we don't know why.
	Hopefully they will hear themselves and go, you know, maybe next time I cut my foot on a beer bottle, I won't call 9-1-1.
	Or, you know, things like that.
	Because everyone makes mistakes, and we're all fallible.
	And I wonder how many people out there this morning have made their own kind of uh... silly calls to nine one one and wondering if they're
	going to hear themselves
	well that's actually a very good point in one that i would like to
	threat here is that we're not encouraging people in anyway shape or
	form To call 9-1-1.
	Oh Lord no.
	To try to get on the CD.
	Lord no.
	No.
	And especially, and here's the good thing, is that most cities now have, as you know, E-9-1-1, which is enhanced 9-1-1.
	Yes.
	So as soon as you place the call... They know where you are.
	They know where you are.
	They know where that call is coming from.
	So if you place a prank call trying to get on the next CD, you will be caught.
	And you will go to jail.
	And you will go to jail.
	That's right.
	Because it is illegal to call 9-1-1.
	That's right.
	Besides, it would not be au naturel.
	It would be... It would be all faked, and who even knows if you would make it to the CD even after you got out of jail.
	Right.
	So just don't... The 911 systems are clogged as they are.
	I'm not encouraging anyone to make stupid phone calls.
	If you do decide that you're going to be oh-so-clever and make a stupid phone call, you will... The next sound you hear will be a policeman knocking on your door.
	Well, actually, we heard that a few moments ago.
	Exactly.
	But they shall not cross the threshold.
	Yeah, I love that.
	Elegant, man.
	You know, some of these guys you've had on tonight sound like the Antichrist calls I've had.
	Leland, hold on.
	We'll be right back.
	Leland Gregory is my guest.
	Wacky 911 is the subject.
	I'm Art Bell.
	Well this is Coast to Coast AM.
	I'm going to be playing a little bit of the game.
	Here we go.
	Tonight, tonight we're going to make it happen.
	I think.
	One more beat.
	Tonight we'll put all of our things aside.
	Give in this time and show me some affection.
	We're going for those pleasures in the night.
	Tomorrow night, everybody, a mad scientist line.
	And open lines in general.
	So, whatever you want to call it.
	Wacky Friday.
	We'll do it tomorrow night.
	You be here.
	Now, if you've ever seen these girls on stage... Now, let me put it this way.
	If you haven't, you get near my town, near Las Vegas.
	Just over the hill there.
	And you see the Pointer Sisters on stage.
	You stop in Las Vegas and you see that show because you've never seen anything like it in your life.
	Yes, I know.
	There was one more commercial there than there should have been.
	Well, that's because of the break that I blew earlier, but I am now even with the commercial world.
	It's like having your credit card paid off.
	All right, Leland Gregory, once again, two things that people have sent here that I want to ask you about.
	Sure.
	You could keep going with this forever, I can see that.
	Lauren, in Cleveland, Mississippi, any chance your guest would do a CD of Dumb Callers to radio stations?
	Us DJs would love it.
	I have actually had that request by several DJs, saying, you wouldn't believe the dumb calls that we've gotten.
	And I thought, well, there's an idea.
	I'll take all ideas.
	Hey, listen, I could give you a CD and a half myself.
	Well, cool.
	I'll stay on the line after this.
	Mike in Fort Hood, Texas says, Fort Hood, you know, excellent program.
	Are you interested in some Army, in really dumb Army radio traffic?
	Oh, yeah.
	That would be great.
	You could be doing this the rest of your life.
	i can't think of a better way to have a good life than laughing my my spleen out
	you know you're right alright let me just tell you one moment do this for you
	because i know there are going to be and this request for this if you want
	to by the cd you're hearing right now
	and of course there are a few cuts on the cd you're not going to hear and
	we're never going to get through it all
	if you want to buy the cd and i can imagine you would or you want to buy the book what's the number for nine one
	one here's how to get
	call one you can even do it right now eight six six
	seven five four two seven three
	free.
	When somebody shares their work with us to this extent, they deserve a real good plug, and that's what he's getting.
	It's 1-866-754-8273, and you can even call right now.
	There you are, Leland.
	I appreciate it.
	And also, if they want to just order from the website at washoe911.com, Go there, place your orders for the books and the CD.
	The toll-free number, you can only get the CD at the toll-free number.
	Okay.
	But through the website, you can get the CD and the book, but I still know there's a lot of people who feel uncomfortable ordering over the Internet.
	There are, although that is slowly changing.
	Yeah, it is.
	I mean, we're on a secured server.
	And I order on the internet.
	I do it.
	I order on the internet.
	Oh, I do too.
	On Amazon.com, I order all the time from them.
	I know.
	And by the year 2525, like the song says, our arms are going to be hanging slack at our side.
	That's true.
	We're going to be able to just... All they'll have to do is scan that barcode on our forehead.
	That's right.
	Alright, let's see, where are we here?
	Warn me now, a proper stolen car.
	That's a fine one.
	It is?
	That's an irate caller who doesn't have a clue.
	Alright, here it is.
	Can you connect me with stolen cars, please?
	You want to report your car stolen?
	That's why I called.
	Okay, this is your car number then.
	Pardon me?
	This is the correct number.
	Alright, you're in charge.
	Where do we go from here?
	You want to report your car stolen?
	That's what I said three times, yes.
	Okay, do you have any idea who took your car?
	I have a strong suspicion I'm not positive.
	When was the last time you saw your car?
	About a week ago, perhaps a day or two.
	Did you go and tell anybody?
	Does anybody else have keys to it?
	No.
	There's a guest that has keys, but I haven't.
	Well, who did you think has it?
	Because I loaned it to him for an evening and he hasn't yet returned it.
	Okay, so you don't want to report it stolen, you want to report your friend not returning it yet, correct?
	I want the car.
	As far as I am concerned, it is stolen.
	No, it's not.
	Because he didn't have my permission to keep it for a week.
	No, but you gave him permission to use it, so he didn't steal it.
	There's a difference of stealing it in a suit.
	This is true, but what is the difference?
	Well, he didn't steal it, you gave it to him.
	Okay, but you're misinterpreting the word steal.
	He did not steal it.
	He did not keep his end of the bargain.
	True, but he did not steal the call.
	He is keeping it past his deadline and he does need to give it back to you.
	Alright, now where do we go from here?
	I need for you to call the auto theft detective.
	Tomorrow... Hold on, hold on.
	God almighty, what is this guy on a machine?
	Tomorrow morning call who?
	The auto theft detective.
	Yeah.
	In other words, there's nothing I can do until the morning.
	Right.
	Thank you so much.
	You're very welcome.
	You're very welcome too.
	God bless you.
	Thank you.
	You're very welcome, too.
	Well, I gotta tell you, Art, thank you so much for this, because I just got an email.
	I was checking my email, too.
	I got an email from the original dispatcher who took the Joe vs. the Deer call.
	No.
	He just said, I am the man.
	You can call me anytime if you want all the details.
	Are you serious?
	Thank you so much.
	You really have found him?
	He has found me through you.
	Oh, he's found you, yes.
	Yeah, found me.
	He said, I'm the dispatcher, so I'll call him and I told you, we've got a reach.
	I'm telling you, baby, it's beautiful.
	That's the cool thing, because I've been trying very hard to find... I mean, because the call took place at least 15 years ago, so tracking down a 1-9-1-1 call that took place 15 years ago, that's gained such mythical proportions as this, and everyone wants to lay claim to the call to actually find the original dispatcher.
	I think that sounds cool.
	Now, I'm still thinking I'd like to interview Joe, and you know, actually, you could do it.
	You would have to tape it first.
	Right.
	Well, I got another email saying, I think I know who Joe is.
	Really?
	Give out your email address again.
	It seems like it's productive.
	Okay, well, it's at the website at wacky911.com.
	You can go down to the bottom, and my website is right there.
	You just click on it.
	I mean, my email.
	If you want to do it direct, it's StupidAndDumb911 at AOL.com.
	StupidAndDumb911, all one word, not the ampersand, but the word and.
	StupidAndDumb911 at AOL.com.
	And also I've gotten a couple other emails from people saying, you know, I've got military, army dispatch stuff.
	Do you want that?
	Are you interested in that?
	So maybe my next CD will be just stupid things and not anything in specific.
	Yes, stupidity is worldwide.
	Yeah.
	There's no limit to stupidity.
	It's in every area of life.
	American life, German life, French life.
	It's just... Yes, stupidity knows no bounds.
	No bounds, that's right.
	Alright, here we go again.
	Boastful robber.
	Can I do that?
	Yes, you can.
	Boastful robber.
	Somebody would boast about robbing somebody.
	Yes, can I have the officer in charge, please?
	Okay, there aren't any deputies in here.
	What we'd have to do is take a name and a message, or a number, and have one of the sergeants call you.
	They're on the road.
	This is a communications building.
	Okay, um, I just... I'm the guy that robs all your stores in Lakeland.
	I was just letting you guys know that you ain't never gonna catch me, you stupid punks.
	Okay.
	You guys kind of sound like Barney Fife.
	Yeah, I'm the guy that's robbing all your stores here in Lakeland.
	Uh, that, but you know, uh, I understand there are quite a few criminals who actually do that.
	Right, and there are actually quite a few criminals who have been caught doing that.
	I'm putting together, like I said, the sequel to my book, What's the Number for 9-1-1, and I've got a call where a guy was wanted by the police, he's hiding out with his wife in Wisconsin, and he decides to call 9-1-1 to see if there are any outstanding warrants against him in the city.
	And they traced the call.
	Of course.
	And they arrested him.
	Trying to determine how much trouble he's in.
	Really?
	That's amazing.
	Yeah, I know.
	Let's see.
	31 would be fun.
	What day is it?
	That's another example of the stupid kind of questions 911 operators get.
	Here we go.
	911, emergency?
	Yes, I'd like to know the day and date today.
	I'm sorry, you what?
	The day and date today.
	Okay, do you have an emergency?
	Yes, I want to know the day and date today.
	It's all I know.
	Don't talk about anything crazy.
	You just want to know what the day is?
	Yeah.
	Well, today's Saturday.
	And it's the 23rd?
	23rd.
	Okay, thank you, ma'am.
	Yeah, you're welcome.
	You're so welcome.
	Goodbye.
	Bye-bye.
	What day is it?
	Well, you know, somehow they go ahead and they give it I mean, 9-1-1, I don't think I would have been that patient at all, not at all.
	I have a feeling that they've run across so many people that if you just don't give them the information and get rid of them, if you say, well I can't do that, well why not?
	Because I'm not allowed to give out, you know, this non-emergency, but I'm a taxpayer, you know.
	And they would probably keep you on the phone a lot longer, arguing with you, if you didn't just say, okay, it's 12-15, it's Tuesday the 23rd.
	It's a good point.
	There's another reason I couldn't keep you.
	I've got too much of a temper.
	I'd have hung up, and then they'd have wasted your time by calling back.
	You'd have called in at 3 in the morning, but I know who you are.
	Right.
	I think all 911 operators probably have shorter lifespans.
	I don't know if they've done any You know, any stats on this?
	Probably insurance companies have.
	Yeah, you know, I bet they would have, like, a higher turnover rate, just because of the stress of the job.
	I mean, it's constant.
	And I know you've been in lots of 911 centers, but the ones I've been into are usually, like, in a basement.
	Yes.
	Very few windows or anything, and you just sit there in front of a monitor.
	With a headphone on, taking calls all day.
	Well, I was in the bowels of a courthouse.
	Yeah.
	I don't know why they put the dispatchers in a hole.
	I guess that way they can't escape.
	Or if they do go crazy, there's not much damage they can do.
	Well, you know, sometimes they do.
	And that's no joke.
	Go crazy?
	Yeah.
	Oh, I wouldn't doubt it.
	Sure, they lose it.
	I mean, if postal workers are allowed to go insane.
	Uh, air traffic controllers?
	Right, the same type.
	Hang over the edge too.
	And it's stuff like this that, you know, the straw that broke the camel's back.
	Exactly, yeah.
	Alright, uh, let's see, where are we?
	Where are we here?
	Uh, we were at, uh... See, there's a cute one, um... See, we're kind of running on a... uh, Escaped Cow is kind of fun.
	That's about five or six dispatchers, several police officers, chasing a black Angus cow through the streets.
	Here we go.
	Can I help you?
	Hi, um, can I help you? Yeah, the guy before didn't really believe me, but I just saw a cow in the street.
	I'm dead serious, I'm not kidding.
	No, I totally believe you, I just think it's kind of funny.
	Where's it at? Was it right in the middle of the street?
	It was on the opposite side of the street, but it was in the street.
	Okay.
	Let me have a look on this.
	That's a big black cow.
	I couldn't see it, but at first I thought it was a person in the middle of the street just crossing it, but then I looked again and it had four legs.
	We will go check on it.
	Okay.
	Thanks.
	We will go check on it.
	Bye.
	Okay.
	Thanks.
	Thank you.
	Bye.
	Moo!
	Yeah?
	Are you dispatching somebody on this?
	They're going.
	You said you didn't believe them.
	No, I didn't believe them.
	Is there any place in this city that has cows?
	Don't know.
	Okay.
	Bye.
	Bye.
	63-Alpha-905-Stray.
	FSL in Cedar.
	A large, a large black cow in the street.
	at this cell in Cedar. A large black cow in the street.
	DRP is at 13192 Cedar. Clint Dooley. We found the cow.
	The cow is running southbound toward Bastille.
	We got some rope and a harness in the back of my truck.
	Horse comes horse, I could go get it.
	Can you ride it back to the station?
	It just walked into a 50 foot yard, so it's now contained.
	We found out that the cow jumped the fence, it's westbound Bastille toward Golden West now.
	42 Bravo.
	42 Bravo.
	He's off and running, westbound, eastbound, stay home.
	Maybe if somebody hums a theme to Rawhide, it'll stop.
	It's so funny, come over and try to catch it.
	You can't really set up a perimeter, because the thing charges at you, so it's kind of hard to stop it.
	10-4, 55 Bravo.
	42 Bravo, can you ask the owner if it is a meat cow or a milk cow?
	56, for info, it just runs around our cars, so it's kind of hard to try to keep it contained, as you guys can see.
	41, Charlie, it's a 41 now, he just ran over our car.
	41, we got him in a front yard, down at the gate.
	On a chestnut.
	13, 731.
	We found the owner, and they'll be over the collective crime.
	God, that was great.
	You could hear the cops, who were actually In pursuit of the cow, beginning to lose their temper at the end.
	Really?
	It's like, yeah, you think it's so funny, you catch it!
	That's right, you come over here and try it.
	Hum, rawhide.
	The second one's my favorite.
	9-1-1, moo!
	Here I am again.
	Oh lord, these are great.
	Let's see, double-cross flyers.
	Yeah, we can get away with that one.
	It's been censored.
	Alright, I like the way you're deciding for me.
	My career is in your hands.
	Oh no, trust me.
	They're all censored.
	They're all safe for airplay.
	And this one doesn't have any kind of bad situation.
	It's just...
	Yeah, no problem.
	My special station alarm company called you 35 minutes ago, and I called 20 minutes ago, and my partner got down to our store 10 minutes after your alarm was called in, and no police has shown up, even though he's discovered it was a false alarm.
	F*** your alarm!
	I beg your pardon?
	F*** your alarm!
	Who's this?
	This is the police department, fucker!
	Rye!
	Check your alarm!
	Hey!
	That isn't... Hey!
	That isn't the police department saying that!
	Wow!
	I don't know who that was!
	Wow!
	I was just as surprised as you!
	Wow, that was really strange!
	I don't know where that came from!
	This is Rye!
	You should... Hold on a second!
	You should have heard what went on on the phone!
	Somebody cut in on the line and was saying, f*** you in the mouth!
	That's bizarre!
	It sure is.
	Wow.
	Huh.
	You have that on tape, I assume.
	Yes, it is on tape.
	I wonder if I can retrace.
	I doubt it.
	Too short.
	Yeah.
	Fuck you.
	Who's this?
	You're a punk, dude.
	Check your own fucking alarm.
	Don't be wasting the taxpayers' money.
	Hey, you want to take it on me?
	Hey, stay on the line with us.
	Go kiss my ass, you punk.
	Hey, tell me who you are.
	We'll take it on you.
	Fuck you, you asshole.
	Go check your own alarm.
	Hey, who are you, man?
	Don't let taxpayers' money up your ass.
	Go check your own fucking alarm.
	Pick your own security guard over there and check your own business.
	Come on, man, I'll take you on.
	What's your name?
	Who's this?
	Hello?
	Hello, this is the police department.
	Wow, hello.
	Yeah, what can I do for you?
	I was just speaking to a lady.
	Yeah, I'm still here.
	This other guy comes on the phone and saying all this stuff and saying he's the police department.
	Oh, well, no, he's not.
	We aren't.
	Okay.
	I don't know where that's coming from.
	She is, too.
	Yeah, she's, uh... Yeah.
	She's with the police department, too, sir.
	Well, who's on the line?
	Uh, we can't tell you.
	I don't know.
	This is really strange.
	Yeah, well, the wires got crossed or something.
	I don't know.
	Oh, okay.
	Well, my central station called in an alarm 35 minutes ago.
	Now 40 minutes ago.
	Uh-huh.
	Uh, my partner got down there 10 minutes later.
	No police have showed up.
	Okay.
	I'll take care of it now.
	He did discover that it was a spherical alarm, but you know, if it was a real thing, I'm kind of worried.
	Uh, can you hang on this little gentleman from here, okay?
	Okay.
	Alright.
	Thank you.
	Okay.
	Boy, that's strange.
	Yeah, it really is strange.
	I don't know what the cause of that is.
	I bet it's the weather.
	Well, I... Probably what set our alarm off also.
	Yeah, but...
	Please!
	Okay, let me check for the call.
	Right.
	My partner did discover definitely it is a false alarm, but I'm kind of worried why nobody was rolled on it.
	Right.
	That sounds unusual too.
	Yeah.
	Is that him on there again?
	I don't know.
	What is it?
	Police Department?
	Boy, this line must be really cross.
	It must be.
	Not the police department.
	This is the police department.
	I have 14 units and one of my tenants just called.
	There's a man outside her window.
	Okay, we'll send somebody out.
	I've had a hip operation.
	I can't go down.
	I've been bad.
	Okay, you stay where you are.
	I'll send the police out.
	I appreciate that.
	Right now, dear.
	Okay.
	Are you still there, sir?
	I sure am.
	I'm sorry, I don't know what to tell you.
	Hey, we'll all go to TTE tomorrow, race in hell.
	I guess so.
	They said it's possibly a bad alarm, is it?
	Right, they just finished installing it today as an auto-thaw.
	Well, I wish you a lot of luck.
	Oh, f*** you're on!
	Wow.
	I don't know.
	Well, I wish you a lot of luck.
	Okay, thanks.
	And thanks very much for the help.
	Okay.
	Okay, take care.
	Uh-huh.
	Bye-bye.
	F*** you're on!
	Oh, geez.
	Well, I wish you a lot of luck.
	Yeah, I wish you a lot of luck, that's right.
	Oh, man.
	All right, listen.
	I have one last hour of the program, which I can devote either to open lines, or I can give it to you, because you've earned it.
	Your choice.
	I don't know.
	Want to get some sleep?
	Want to keep going?
	Up to you.
	Oh, I'll keep going.
	You'll keep going?
	All right, then.
	So will I. We're running out of tracks, but I can come up with stories.
	We got tracks.
	All right.
	We got tracks.
	At least I hope we do.
	Maybe we can't play some of these.
	We're going to break here at the top of the hour and be right back with Leland Gregory.
	I'm Art Bell.
	Well this is Coast to Coast AM.
	You talk too much, you even worry my pet.
	You just talk.
	You talk too much.
	You talk about people that you don't know.
	You talk about people wherever you go.
	You just talk.
	You talk about people that you've never seen You talk about people you can't make me scream You just talk, talk To recharge Bell in the Kingdom of Nye, from west of the Rockies, dial 1-800-618-8255.
	East of the Rockies, 1-800-825-5033.
	1-800-825-5033.
	First time callers may reach out at 1-775-727-1222 or use the wildcard line at 1-775-727-1222.
	To recharge on the toll-free international line, call your AT&T operator and have them dial 800-893-0903.
	This is Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell on the Premier Radio Network.
	That's what it's all about.
	Talk, folks.
	That's what we do.
	Good morning.
	I'm Art Bell.
	Leland Gregory is my guest, and we're talking all about 9-1-1.
	So stay with us.
	There's more.
	All right.
	I wouldn't normally do this, but I cannot resist.
	Before we bring Leland back, I actually think that I hurt something in my side earlier tonight.
	It was, you know, just one of the first few that we played, and I didn't realize until somewhere into it what I was listening to.
	And maybe you didn't either.
	This poor guy has been no doubt robbed.
	Somebody has bound and gagged him.
	Somehow he's managed to get off his chair or stick his leg out, tip the telephone over, And probably dial 9-1-1 with his nose, for all I know.
	But he's bound and gagged, and here's the 9-1-1 call.
	9-1-1?
	I am a ripper of a robbery.
	I know I'm bound and gagged and tied up with extortion cords and a uniform.
	Sir, I can't understand it.
	He said that he's a ripper of a robbery.
	He's been tied up and gagged.
	Where is he at?
	Can you give us your address?
	600 what?
	Walnut?
	Orange?
	Olive?
	Olive, sir?
	Olive?
	Um, you want me to have the operator...
	Do you want me to have someone check this out?
	Please.
	Okay, just tell me.
	Please, it's just for a little help, please.
	I understand, it's for $600.
	Olive?
	Are you saying Olive?
	O-Land.
	I can't figure out what he's saying.
	Is it Atlantic?
	O-Land.
	Almond, right?
	$500 Almond?
	Okay, that won't be necessary.
	You don't have to run and check.
	How long ago did this happen?
	Listen to me, listen to me.
	Do you live in a house or an apartment there?
	Apartment.
	What apartment do you live in?
	One, two.
	One, two?
	All right.
	live in a house and apar What apartment do you liv
	Two.
	12. All right. What do y his last name? Uh huh. Uh
	okay i think that we've got a right well i don't know what to report it
	okay i don't know what to report it. Sir, let me go so I can send the police, alright?
	Oh my god, I had to keep the microphone down during that.
	One of my favorite calls.
	God, that's funny.
	So outrageous in the way that... Poor guy.
	And you can hear the frustration.
	Woo!
	that is absolutely right and of course the other really really funny one is
	joe and the deer oh yeah and uh...
	you're not going to believe this and one never knows We'll see what we have here, but believe it or not, I have the man who claims that he's the dispatcher who took that call.
	Let's see if he really is.
	Hello there!
	Hello, and good evening.
	This is Don.
	Don from Houston, Texas.
	I was from Houston then.
	Yes, sir, it sure was.
	I've got claims.
	Some people claim that it came from Poughkeepsie, New York.
	Well, the individual that made the call may have made it on more than one person.
	Oh, okay.
	Now it's becoming more and more clear.
	You know, that could be.
	That could be.
	But you did take that call?
	Yes, sir, I sure did.
	There's a real interesting story that's behind that call.
	Yeah, go ahead.
	There's a lot of people that have been using that as a real 911 call.
	When in reality, that was a practical joke played on a poor, relatively new dispatcher being myself, after a new upgrade in a center.
	The individual that made the call was the computer rep.
	About one o'clock in the morning, we had been live on the news system for about an hour.
	Everybody's saying goodnight, congratulating each other, we're on live, everything's not a hitch.
	He walks out, and all of a sudden I get the call.
	And this is, you were a dispatcher in Houston?
	For a non-municipal department, or a multitude of departments, actually there were six fire departments in an EMS service that I handled.
	350 square miles on the north side of Houston.
	Okay.
	Well, that's amazing, and you said something about people coming from New Zealand?
	Yeah, I've gotten people that have visited my center, or what used to be my center, as far away as New Zealand, saying, you've got to hear this tape.
	Because I heard some people in Poughkeepsie said that they've got a tape That's very similar to the classic one that you took, but they say the man starts off saying, uh, I need a policeman with a gun.
	I'm at the mobile station where they sell the Buicks.
	But they said it's the same sounding guy, it's the same story, but a lot of it, a lot of the content of the call is different.
	Well, if this guy is really a service person for 911 centers, then he got around, right?
	All right.
	How fun.
	How interesting.
	Well, thank you so much.
	That clarifies a lot.
	Yes, thank you very much.
	It's still the funniest call ever, though.
	Oh, it absolutely is.
	And I don't know.
	To me, it sounds real.
	There's too much emotion in the guy's voice for it not to be real.
	Well, it certainly spawned... I mean, it's the most popular call in even... Was it Tommy Boy or one of the movies?
	There's a movie, Chris Farley movie, where Apparently, everyone's told me that there's a scene where the guy picks up a deer and puts it in his car.
	So you're actually immortalized in audio and on film now.
	Here's somebody, Kirk in Cincinnati, wants to know, enjoying the show, but really curious about the tracks you've been skipping.
	What are they about?
	Any hints?
	The nether regions.
	The nether regions?
	Yeah.
	Um, mainly genitals are involved and that's why I didn't think we wanted to.
	Broke that subject on the air.
	No, even though it's either 2.15 or 3.15 or something like that in the morning, there are some limits.
	And besides, you've got to go buy the CD, folks.
	There's got to be some mystique.
	That's right.
	It's 1-866.
	The number to order the CD is 1-866-754-8273.
	1-866-754-8273.
	You can call right now.
	it's a one eight six six the number the number order the cd is one eight six six
	seven five four eight two seven three one eight six six seven five four eight
	two seven three you can call right now and it's only how much
	14.95.
	It's worth a lot more than that.
	And, of course, at the website at wacky911.com.
	Gotcha.
	All right.
	We must have a few left on here.
	There's a couple.
	Let's see.
	Where were we?
	Well, we're up to... We had just done... I think we just did... Double cross wires?
	That's right.
	I don't remember what don't get mad at, so let's skip that and go down to 35.
	All right.
	Let's be on the safe side.
	Here we go.
	Oh, hello.
	Oh hello, should I ask for a request?
	Sure, what?
	Say something by the Case Brothers, Martin, Gibson.
	Who is this?
	Is this WF- This is the police department.
	I got the wrong place.
	Oh man.
	I guess he thought it was K-9-1-1, or W-9-1-1, or something like that.
	I'm sure dispatchers have gotten a lot weirder calls than that.
	Yeah, I'm sure they have.
	But, uh, the next one, we can play that, too.
	Oh, we can?
	That's a safe one.
	Alright, 36 up and coming.
	Hello?
	911, do you have an emergency?
	Yeah, there's a little elephant.
	An elephant?
	Yeah.
	Not an elephant, sorry, not an elephant, a little deer.
	And it's still alive over here.
	Hello?
	I'm here, okay, did you hit the deer?
	No, no, I didn't hit it, somebody else hit it.
	I don't know who hit it.
	Okay, we'll have an officer go check the area.
	For you, please.
	Okay, and it's still alive, correct?
	Yeah, yeah.
	Okay, well go check it out.
	Okay, thanks.
	I'm waiting over here, alright?
	Okay.
	Okay, thank you.
	Thanks, bye-bye.
	And so they couldn't tell whether it was an elephant or a little deer.
	Or a little deer.
	I always wanted to put that one right in front of Joe vs. the deer.
	Really?
	Because if someone hit it, And who was it?
	Well, you know, kind of match them together.
	You know you're going to that call armed.
	Yeah, really.
	What I like what the guy says is, I'll be, I'll wait right over here.
	Like he's on television and he's pointing to the spot.
	I'll wait right over here.
	Well, you've got to remember that when people are calling 9-1-1, they are extremely Disturbed.
	You know, adrenaline is going like crazy, and they can be at their dumbest, there is no question about it.
	That is more than true.
	You know, I would love to have had a camera in the cop car that went to open the lady's beer.
	Yeah, wouldn't that be funny?
	Yeah.
	I swear, that's one of my favorite calls, too, is the lady who was asking for help opening her beer bottle.
	But actually, the CD's got, like I said, it's got 44 tracks.
	It's about an hour or so.
	I mean, we've filled up almost four hours just playing most of it.
	Oh, that's right.
	Very, very funny stuff.
	And the book, What's the Number for 9-1-1, of course, which started the whole 9-1-1 craze.
	Now, how much stuff is in the book?
	What's the number for 9-1-1?
	How many are in here, in the book, that don't show up in the CD?
	Well, there's only one story that's in both the book and the CD, and that's Joe vs. the Deer.
	Joe vs. the Deer.
	Because it's so funny, and even though it was, now that we all know it was put together by a systems analyst, which is a unique experience, it's still very, very funny.
	That is if you believe it.
	Right.
	Which I tend to.
	He sounded like an honest guy.
	Yeah, he sounded honest.
	He absolutely did.
	But that's the only story that's duplicated in the book and in the CD.
	The rest of them are completely different.
	And then, like I said, I've got a new book coming out in September called What's the Number for 9-1-1 Again?
	You know, earlier I think that you were on to it.
	I think that your next should be a compilation of stupid.
	Well, actually, I'm proposing a book like that to my agent right now, and now I'll just use your quote.
	Or even the CD.
	Yeah, well, I've gotten several people who've emailed me since I've been on the air with you saying, um, I've got some dispatching things, I've got some army communications things, I've got some, you know, different kinds of audio of stupidity in action.
	And that might make just a very, very funny compilation CD of You know, a CD called Hey Idiot, or something like that.
	Yeah, something like that.
	God, these are great.
	It's great to laugh.
	Oh, it's fun, isn't it?
	It's a good way of spending an evening.
	Alright, well, we're down near the end, aren't we?
	Okay, I think 411 is very short, so you can just bump that right up against the next one, Nasty Bathroom.
	Oh, I can?
	Yeah, they're both safe.
	All right.
	I was worried about nasty bathroom.
	No, it's not that nasty.
	Oh, I'm sorry.
	I thought I dialed the information.
	No, sir.
	That would be 411.
	Of course.
	This is a recording.
	911 is not a working emergency number for your area.
	For emergencies, hang up for a moment and dial your operator.
	That was a joke.
	9-1-1?
	Hi, this isn't really an emergency per se, but I don't know who else to call.
	We're on Highway 101, and there's a... Which direction?
	We're going south, but the thing I'm reporting is that gas station and mini-mart, the public health officials really need to take a look at that bathroom there.
	Okay, you might want to call them, then.
	Was there an emergency?
	Does anyone need an ambulance?
	No, no, no.
	Does anyone need a fire truck?
	No.
	Okay, you just want to report a health hazard?
	Yeah.
	Okay, then you should call the, um...
	Health officials.
	How would I find that in your phone book or 411?
	I would have to pull off and find a phone booth.
	You guys can't report it.
	Or 411.
	411?
	Yeah, you can call 411 information and they should have phone numbers for you.
	You can't report it?
	This is a 911 line.
	For health problems, you need to report it to the proper authorities.
	Thank you.
	Okay.
	Oh, man.
	Amazing.
	Wanting to report a nasty bathroom.
	Right.
	How can people... Now, that lady was in an environment where, I grant you, she was probably upset that it was foul when she left.
	Right.
	But she was in the car.
	She had to think about it, pick up a cell phone, and call 911 to report a rotten bathroom.
	Yeah, instead of just, you know, when she was returning the key to the cashier... That's pathetic.
	...say, your bathroom is rotten.
	You know, they waited until they got in the car.
	They must have talked about it.
	Got some kind of righteous indignation saying, there's got to be something we can do about this.
	Yeah.
	And they called 911.
	Yeah, exactly right.
	So it's an amazing world we live in.
	Someone emailed me a bumper sticker that said something like, you'll be amazed at what can happen when a group of stupid people get together.
	No, I wouldn't be amazed at all.
	And they feed on each other too.
	Right.
	The Confederacy of Dunces phenomenon, I think, is what it is.
	All right.
	Are we at the end, or have we... No, I think we can do... This one is called, Someone's in the Bag.
	I included it because the man's voice is so interesting.
	Really?
	And what he says is kind of unique, too, but it's just the way he speaks.
	Sometimes I'm, you know...
	Attracted by weird audio sounds, but this guy has a very unique voice.
	Listen, this is radio.
	Audio is everything.
	There you go!
	Here we go.
	Good morning.
	Hi.
	I'm a retired detective.
	Okay.
	Across the street from me, there is, like, somebody trapped in a bag or something.
	In a bag?
	Yeah.
	Is it on the lawn?
	No, it's across from the garage.
	I'm looking at it right now, but I can't figure it out.
	Is it small?
	No, big.
	A sleeping bag or a plastic bag?
	Well, it looks like a bread sheet or something.
	Okay, we'll be out in a minute.
	Thank you.
	I am a retired police detective.
	There's someone in a bag.
	My name is Vlad.
	Yes, I get calls like that.
	People do sound like that all the time.
	Oh, I'm sure.
	Not very unusual.
	Well, I think the last one that we can work on on this one would be track 41, calling from the coaster, and that's another example of, as we spoke about earlier, people having 911 on a one-button speed dial, and it accidentally being pushed.
	All right, here you go.
	911 emergency!
	911 emergency!
	Emergency! Hello? Hello? Hi.
	Hi, this is 9-1-1.
	Do you have an emergency there?
	No, I'm sorry.
	I don't.
	I must have hit the wrong button.
	I'm sorry.
	Okay, ma'am, do you have your 9-1-1 button on a one-button... shit dial?
	I don't... I didn't think I did, but, um... I will take my look at it and turn it off if it is.
	Okay.
	Were you, like, on a rollercoaster or what?
	Yeah, I was on a ride.
	Okay.
	Because I heard a lot of excited whoos.
	Yeah.
	Okay.
	I was on a ride.
	Oh, that's absolutely excellent.
	I've heard a lot of excited woos.
	Now, I've got some stories, don't have audio tapes yet, of other accidental callings of 911 where you hear excited woos and they're not on an amusement park ride.
	Really?
	Oh, no.
	In fact, when I was on the Today Show, Matt Lauer told the story of a couple.
	Matt Lauer?
	Matt Lauer, yeah.
	Me and Matt.
	We're real tight.
	So, he was telling the story where there was a couple messing around, and they accidentally kicked off the phone.
	The man was having an affair, so he was with his woman, and when they hit the phone, it speed-dialed the man's home phone number.
	And his wife picked up the phone.
	And for the balance of the time, she sat and she listened.
	Well, maybe.
	Did this turn into a murder case?
	She was probably sharpening her knives.
	They did an episode of Boston Public recently where something exactly like that occurred.
	Oh, really?
	Oh, absolutely.
	It was a teacher, and he was with an 18-year-old student, and it dialed the principal.
	Oh, God.
	Unbelievable.
	You know, occasionally they must take, you know, from From real life, uh, for fiction, because real life really is every bit as good.
	Well, alright, fine, we've got another half hour to go, so stay right there, and we'll be right back to you, and I don't know what we'll do, but... That's kind of like your career.
	You don't know why you do it, it's important work, but you don't know why you do it.
	I'm Art Bell, and this is Coast to Coast AM, and I feel exactly the same about the work I do.
	Very important, somehow or another, but I don't know why I do it.
	As we do it's blue, water, sun, sky, light.
	And in the shadows...
	We turn black, sky lifts apart, Rain freezes and dampens my heart.
	Back to the leaves, the more bones could rot.
	As we move down, that awful rut.
	you All I've got to do is to, to love you.
	All I've got to be is to be happy.
	All you've got to take is a bone to make it blow away, blow away, blow away.
	All I've got to do is to, to love you.
	All I've got to be is to, Call Art Bell in the Kingdom of Nye from west of the Rockies at 1-800-618-8255.
	East of the Rockies, 1-800-825-5033.
	First-time callers may reach Art at 1-775-727-1222.
	Call Art Bell in the Kingdom of Nye from west of the Rockies at 1-800-618-8255, east of
	the Rockies 1-800-825-5033.
	First time callers may reach Art at 1-775-727-1222, and the wildcard line is open at 1-775-727-1295.
	To reach Art on the toll-free international line, call your AT&T operator and have them
	I don't know.
	There's a song that must have come out when I was overseas.
	It's just such a simple, silly, happy little love song that I like it.
	I got to do, do, do, do, love you, that's all I got to be.
	Isn't that nice?
	Leland Gregory, we'll be right back.
	And yes, we will open the phone lines.
	I know you've been waiting a long time, so... Coming up!
	Alright, once again, Leland Gregory, who's brought us a whole night's entertainment here.
	Leland, welcome back.
	Here's somebody with a kind of a question that I guess I could ask.
	It comes from, ostensibly anyway, it claims to come from the Indiana 911 Center.
	Uh-huh.
	Brad, does your guest have a 911 call with a guy and a vibrator?
	If so, that call originated at this center.
	Very funny.
	If he doesn't have it, I can send it to him.
	Just advise on the air.
	Now, obviously, this is either one of the ones we skipped or you didn't include.
	Yeah, you're looking at track 22.
	Track 22.
	to uh... i'll be listening to that one as soon as i get off
	the air But if you forward me their number, I wouldn't mind getting a cleaner copy of it.
	Really?
	Really?
	Okay, well, then they will have a cleaner copy.
	Boy.
	Because what I've got is a WAV file, and it was a little hard to understand, but you know, as you know, the calls come on those one-inch tapes that move so slowly.
	They just crawl.
	It's really, really bad.
	That's right.
	Unfortunately, we had all of ours re-enhanced at an audio studio and took out some of the static and played around with the waves and stuff like that to try to make them as clean as possible.
	Sure.
	And as, you know, listenable as possible.
	How long are those tapes maintained?
	In other words, a few years later.
	Years later.
	From what I heard, all tapes are maintained for six months and then erased.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	That's what I heard from some centers.
	Now, some may be different.
	So you better catch it or it's gone.
	It's exactly.
	So a lot of times you'll hear about stuff that occurred years ago.
	Too late.
	You'll never get it.
	Unless someone had taped it.
	So any 911 dispatchers out there who hear a funny call, tape it and send it to me.
	And you can find me at wacky911.com.
	They don't get in any trouble for that, do they?
	Not if they release it to their captain or their supervisor.
	And also, just to let them know, I take out all operator numbers.
	All phone numbers, all dispatch codes, everything.
	They're completely sanitized and no one can understand.
	Careers will not be in jeopardy.
	Careers will not be in jeopardy.
	Right.
	And also the thing about this is that these are non-notorious calls.
	I mean, these aren't things that are, you know, reported in newspapers.
	They're usually just individuals who make a call.
	So, you know, it's not like you'll be able to figure out who these people are anyway.
	Yeah.
	You know, because it's not like it was a shooting at a school and no one was reported.
	It was usually someone who had too much to drink and sat on their cell phone.
	Yep.
	Alright, well listen, let's take a few calls.
	You've entertained them, let's see if they'll entertain you.
	Okay.
	First time caller on the line, you're on the air with Leland Gregory.
	Hello.
	Yeah, Art, this is Wade.
	I'm calling from Louisa, Kentucky.
	From where?
	Louisa, Kentucky.
	Louisville, Kentucky, okay.
	Louisa.
	Louisa.
	Oh, I thought it was just the way you all said it in Kentucky.
	Louisa.
	Yeah, yeah.
	We all know I get kicked on the radio.
	No.
	I'm used to southern accents.
	I live there.
	Well, I'm from Nashville, so we say Nashville and Louisville.
	That's right.
	We're on the Kentucky-West Virginia border.
	Oh, okay.
	Okay.
	I watched you.
	I just happened to catch your interview you did on Today Show the other morning.
	Oh, thanks.
	And did you play the one for Art about the guy being attacked by the deer and the dog?
	We played that earlier, but if Art wants to play it again... Maybe right toward the end of the show.
	That'd be a good way of topping it off.
	Yeah, it really would.
	And I really couldn't believe that the producers at the Today Show were brave enough to actually play that one on the show.
	I didn't know they did that.
	They did.
	I talked them into it.
	I was on the show twice, and they refused to do it in November.
	And I think they went out and had some drinks and thought, you know, let's try it.
	What the hell?
	What the hell?
	Yeah, you could just see the look on Katie Couric's face, you know, on there like, gee whiz, this guy's having like the worst day.
	Yeah, really.
	It was a lot of fun.
	It was a good show because everyone, actually I got to be on the couch and all four of them interviewed me for the last show.
	So that was kind of a unique situation as opposed to the first time it was just Katie.
	All four?
	You were interviewed by all four?
	No kidding?
	Yeah.
	And I didn't know that until I was walking down the stairs to the studio.
	I, too, have had a lot of fun with Matt Lauer.
	Yeah, he's a great guy.
	Oh, great guy.
	Very, very pleasant person.
	Great guy.
	And genuinely a nice person, not just the persona.
	Very nice man.
	Well, he's got a good sense of humor, anyway.
	He does, and my quote from him is, He said, Leland, you're a lunatic.
	And I thought, well, that's going to go in all my press packages from now on, along with your phrase, Art.
	What you do is beneficial.
	We just don't know how.
	No, I think I said, the work you do is important.
	Oh, that's it.
	Let me write that down.
	The work you do is important.
	We just don't know how.
	We just don't know why.
	Why, OK.
	Caller, anything else?
	Well, I'd just like to say, I'm glad to have you back, Art.
	I'm a big fan, and I hope you got my letter and stuff.
	I sent it to you in the mail.
	I kept tabs on everything that was going on.
	If you sent a letter, I got it.
	Actually, I always felt you were going to come back one way or another.
	Hoagland actually kind of left a little message right before you left.
	Well, that's Dick for you.
	Alright, thank you very much.
	Wildcard Line, you're on the air with Leland Gregory.
	Hello.
	Hi, this is Dale calling from, uh, Galveston Park.
	Yes, Dale.
	And hello to you, Leland.
	I did purchase a CD a couple of weeks ago.
	I heard it from my local station, KGBC.
	Mm-hmm.
	And they were playing it on one of your tracks, dealing with a 9-1, with a car.
	Well, somebody tuned in late and took it for granted and got the police on to them.
	They should.
	Oh, you're kidding.
	No, I'm not.
	It really happened.
	They thought it was a real, uh... Yeah, it was over the air.
	It figures.
	And, uh, Leon Bloom, the owner of KGBC, requested that The Good Morning Post stop playing the CD.
	Well, you know what?
	I'll tell you what.
	People will do anything.
	Frequently, I have prophets on my radio program, right?
	Yes.
	Prophets coming on, doing predictions for the future.
	Things they have seen.
	Through the power of their minds.
	One of your other callers on 9-1-1, he's your antichrist caller.
	I thought so, too.
	I'm dying.
	That was dead on.
	That voice was dead on.
	That's him, Mark.
	I know.
	I believe it, too.
	My other problem was, I have dialed 4-1-1, and I've lived in Austin several times, and I know clearly, of course, 2-33 o'clock is more than half asleep.
	It went into 9-1-1.
	Why it did, I don't know, but I apologize.
	I thought that caller there near the end of that 4-1-1 might have been me, but it's not.
	All right.
	Well, there's somebody who's done it.
	But, you know, people do take things too seriously, Leland.
	As I said, I have prophets, you know, and they come on the show and they prophesize.
	This is all mentally received.
	And I learned, after a few times, That you don't let prophets come on and prophesize that some president that we've currently got is going to get bumped off.
	Right.
	Because when you do, Matilda, living outside Kansas City, calls the Secret Service.
	The Secret Service, having to do their duty, investigates.
	In the course of that investigation, they send two guys, with no sense of humor whatsoever, to my house.
	And they come in with little bulges, and you know what they are, and they sit on the couch and say, now tell us about this call.
	Isn't that crazy?
	It's reality.
	Yeah.
	So, I'm not surprised.
	I'm sure what that person said is exactly right.
	East of the Rockies, you're on the air with Leland Gregory and Art Bell.
	Good morning.
	Hi, Art.
	Hi, Leland.
	Hey, how you doing?
	I'm doing well.
	I just had to call and see.
	My name's Shane.
	I'm in North Dakota.
	Those, uh, that call that you got about the, uh, the young lady who sent officers over to, uh, help that elderly woman with her, uh, little nightcap there.
	Right.
	Uh, that's the type of thing that, uh, that happens in this city.
	See, I've, uh, I've listened to scanners and stuff for years around here.
	And, uh, there's, uh, the dispatchers are more than willing to, to send an officer out to, uh, help a mother who can't get her child to take their medication.
	Yeah.
	Or, uh, I mean, even someone who had trouble getting their dog into their house one day.
	Yeah, but to open a beer, that's going a notch.
	Maybe two or three notches.
	Yeah, that's taking it up.
	She must really enjoy her nightcap, too, and must empathize or something.
	I don't know.
	Well, I guess if you saw the beers sitting there and you couldn't get them open, to you, that would be a personal... That's an emergency.
	Yeah, that's right.
	Yeah, well, I guess I've been there in my younger days.
	I don't know, I was just very impressed with the fact that she kept herself very composed, and when she found out what the problem was then, well, she was obviously very nice to the woman, and she really wanted to help her out.
	Yeah, but I submit to you, sir, that if in your younger days you had made that call, it would not have turned out so well for you.
	No, oh no.
	An old lady, A, you send them over, you open the beer.
	Somebody at about 20 after six or eight beers, they go to jail.
	By the time I'd gotten around to calling 911, I probably would have needed to go to jail.
	I just wanted to say I really enjoyed the show today.
	I've just been so entertained tonight.
	I started listening to your show recently.
	I've got a late night delivery route that I do.
	I just gotta say, Art, that you've kept me more entertained than any TV program I think I've ever watched.
	Very kind of you.
	I wanted to thank you for that, and you guys have a good night.
	Thank you, and take care.
	West of the Rockies, you're on the air with Leland Gregory.
	Good morning.
	Hello.
	Hi.
	Hi, I'm Colin from Eastern Washington, and I used to work for a police department, not here, but over in the Seattle area, and now you know what keeps policemen on the job.
	It's never dull.
	There's always something funny going around.
	But the other thing, I had a phone number over here for about nine years that was real close to the county courthouse, and at night it was the jail phone number.
	And I used to get calls from dumb people.
	Including the best one was one guy called one night and said, I have a warrant.
	I answered the phone about 3.30 in the morning.
	Give him this hello, and he says, I have a warrant out for my arrest.
	If I come down here, will they let me, you know, release me on my own recognizance?
	Great.
	And usually I just said, you got a wrong number, you know, but this time I had to say, what kind of a warrant is it?
	And he said, failure to appear.
	And I said, yeah, sure, come on down.
	We'll work it out.
	And I hung up, and I laid there laughing for about an hour, you know?
	These people are so dumb!
	I have done such things.
	You know, you finally just get so frustrated, especially when you get a new number, and it was somebody's old number, and all their friends are still calling that number.
	Yeah, this was a great number.
	It was one digit away from the county courthouse, and if you reverse the last two digits, it was the Marine Corps recruiter.
	And I had people trying to join the Marine Corps, and I told one guy, the Marine Corps doesn't want anybody who's dyslexic.
	there was a uh... i think that uh...
	uh... there was a judge judy thank you go there was a judge judy peace
	this fellow had received a brand new number
	and he was in court uh... facing off with the the gal who had had the number
	previously and he got so sick of getting calls for her
	you know all hours of the day and night that he finally put in a message on the answering machine
	saying we're sorry maria has passed away we're all in mourning and we're all
	we feel terrible about this maria passed away don't call here anymore please
	And she sued him.
	She took him to court.
	Oh, great.
	I'll have to research that one.
	And by the way, she won.
	Good!
	Maria is dead.
	I like that.
	First time caller on the line, you're on the air with Leland Gregory.
	Good morning.
	Where are you, please?
	I'm in Florida.
	Is this Art Bell?
	Yes, it is.
	Hey, I think I've enjoyed you for many, many, many years.
	This is the first time I've called over.
	You've been so entertaining tonight.
	I wanted to share a stupid thing with you.
	I'm not going to give my first name because someone might recognize me.
	I was talking to a friend on the phone one night, and I was having trouble with my battery.
	It was a 900 megahertz phone, and the lights were flashing, and as I was talking, I was trying to hit some kind of button that maybe had a problem with memory or so forth.
	Anyway, I accidentally hit 911, and as soon as they answered the phone, I hung up.
	I was like, oh my God.
	Yeah, but of course they called me right back.
	Oh, yeah.
	And I said, this wasn't an emergency.
	I just accidentally hit the button.
	He said, well, we're going to have to go to the farm.
	Which I thought, oh, great.
	So anyway, I gave him my name and address and hung up and thought, boy, that was stupid.
	And I went and changed batteries.
	Went back, I was going to call my friend back because I cut him off whenever I hit the 911 button.
	I hit redial.
	Oh, no.
	Oh, gosh.
	And the dial-up moment, your emergency is like, oh, my gosh, I'm going to have to fill out that paperwork again, am I?
	That's a good one.
	Yeah, that is.
	That's a very good one.
	Thank you very much.
	We are so out of time.
	If we don't do this, we're not going to get a chance.
	So here it is, folks.
	This is the ambulance emergency line.
	Do you have an emergency?
	I need a ambulance.
	Who is this?
	Uh, Joe.
	Okay, so where do you need us?
	I'm in a mothafuckin' phone booth.
	Okay, what's the address there?
	Hold on.
	Okay, Joe, I need a location.
	What street are you on?
	Uh, I'm in a mothafuckin' phone booth at the Stop N' Go.
	Yeah, I'm at the... That's it!
	I'm at the mothafuckin' Stop N' Go.
	On, uh, on, uh, wait a minute.
	How's... What's a mothafuckin' street?
	Talk to me...
	Car rolls in southwest.
	It's a mothafuckin' stop and go.
	Yo!
	Uh-huh?
	How about it?
	Let me see.
	I'm in a mothafuckin' phone booth.
	Let me tell you what.
	I'm goin' down in a mothafuckin' booth, drivin' in my car, mindin' my own goddamn business, and a mothafuckin' deer jumped out and hit my car.
	Okay, sir.
	Are you injured?
	Let me tell you.
	I get out and pick the mother f***er up.
	I thought he was dead.
	I put the mother f*er here in my back seat and I'm driving down the mother f*er road and minding my own business.
	The mother f*er woke up and bit me in the back of my g*.
	He bit me and it done kicked the g*** out of my car.
	I'm in the mother f***er phone booth.
	The deer bit me in the neck.
	A big mothafuckin' dog came up and bit me in the leg.
	I hit him with the mothafuckin' tire iron and I stabbed him.
	I stabbed him with my knife, so I got a hurt leg and the mothafuckin' deer bit me in the neck.
	And the deer, and the dog won't let me out of the mothafuckin' phone booth.
	Cause he wants the deer.
	Now who gets the deer?
	Me or the dog?
	Okay, sir, are you injured?
	Yeah!
	My mothafuckin' deer bit me in the neck!
	Hold on.
	A good way of ending the show.
	That's an absolute forever classic.
	Whether it was real or whether somebody cooked it up.
	It doesn't matter, does it?
	It really does.
	It's so classic.
	It's so funny.
	Alright, listen folks.
	Last opportunity.
	You can get this CD.
	It's got a total of, let me see, 44 tracks on it, and some of them are hilarious, as you already know.
	Some of them are un-errable, and thank God I didn't just hit them.
	During the show, I did that a couple times.
	I just hit the next track.
	Thank God I didn't.
	And so you can get Wacky 911, the CD, It's only how much?
	$14.95.
	That's really cheap.
	Can't beat it.
	You can call right now 1-866-754-8273.
	That's for the CD.
	1-866-754-8273.
	five four to seven three
	that's for the cd one eight six six seven five four
	eight two seven three the book which has original material in it
	is called what's the number for nine one one america's wackiest nine one one
	calls all different material right
	and available on-site that's available at our website yes wacky nine one
	one dot com and if you just can't get enough of joe versus the deer
	we put it up at wacky nine one one dot com and people can listen to it
	enjoyed for all eternity That was really nice of you to put that up, actually, on your website.
	It's one of your best pieces of material, there's no doubt about it, and to put it on your website is a really nice thing to do.
	Well, thank you.
	In fact, the whole show has been an absolute blast, and when you come up with your next CD, because, of course, we're an audio-driven media here, you've got to come first here with it.
	Oh, you've got it, buddy.
	And if you're going to do one that sort of includes everything, the world of stupid, definitely bring it here first.
	Great.
	All right, Leland.
	I will.
	Thank you so much, Art.
	I can't tell you when I've had more fun at night.
	Well, I won't tell you if I could, but I'm not going to All right, that's Leland Gregory, folks.
	Tomorrow night, we're going to have open lines all night, with the exception of one line, which I am bound and determined to hold open as the Mad Scientist line.
	So if you are a mad scientist, or you know a mad scientist, alert them to the fact that tomorrow night is their night.
	For tonight, that's it, though.
	That's all there is.
	Being a being a being a being a...
	That's all, folks.

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