March 29, 2001 - Art Bell
02:45:36
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
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Girl, you just don't realize what you're doing. | |
| Can you hold me in your arms so tight? | ||
| You let me know everything's all right. | ||
| What's up feeling? | ||
| I'm high on believing. | ||
| That you'll end up with me. | ||
| It's as sweet as candy. | ||
| It's haze on my mind Girl, you got me burning! | ||
| Wanna take a ride? | ||
| Well, call our bell from west of the Rockies at 1-800-618-8255. | ||
| East of the Rockies at 1-800-825-5033. | ||
| First time callers may recharge at 1-775-727-1222. | ||
| The wildcard line is open at 1-775-727-1295. | ||
| And to rechart on the toll-free international line, call your AT ⁇ T operator and have them dial 800-893-0903. | ||
| This is Coast to Coast AM with Arcel on the Premier Radio Network. | ||
| It certainly is. | ||
| Good morning, everybody. | ||
| And in some cases, yes, good evening. | ||
| We're kind of spread out from Guam to the Caribbean and beyond. | ||
| I want to remind everybody, our international line is cooking tonight. | ||
| If you're so inclined, wherever you are in the world, it is toll-free. | ||
| It's 1-800-893-0903. | ||
| Now, before we launch into our guest tonight, I want to remind everybody, new on the website tonight, under the what's new category, photos of the VidRock launches that occurred over the weekend. | ||
| You might have missed those. | ||
| And if you go to the website, you can actually see on-camera stuff. | ||
| You know, they put video cameras on the rockets, and it's pretty cool to watch. | ||
| Moving video and the still photos. | ||
| Then we have vintage UFOs, and in that category, there is the now very, boy, first there's that triangle. | ||
| Then there is the picture of the Capitol building, the now very famous Capitol building photo of, oh, a whole bunch, maybe as many as 13 UFOs flying right by the Capitol building. | ||
| That was professionally taken. | ||
| That was video, and you have to wonder what kind of message they were trying to send. | ||
| So there's not much tearing apart of that one you can do. | ||
| Everybody knows it's real. | ||
| Then there's a UFO in Texas that we just put up there tonight. | ||
| A nice gentleman who said it's a photo he's been hanging on to for over 10 years and finally decided to send it to us. | ||
| Then there's the story of the poor coast-to-coast bird that's going to be shredded by a bunch of angry jocks in Nova Scotia. | ||
| You're going to want to read that. | ||
| Oh, we had a sick green piece on him. | ||
| Anyway, coming up in a moment, we're about to have a lot of fun. | ||
| Leland H. Gregory III is coming. | ||
| I wonder if he wants to actually be addressed as Leland III. | ||
| Maybe Gregory III. | ||
| I'm the third too. | ||
| I never use the third. | ||
| Maybe I should. | ||
| What do you all? | ||
| Nah. | ||
| Art Bell's a lot easier. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| Now, Leland Gregory has been a professional freelance writer for more than 12 years. | ||
| He is co-author of the New York Times bestseller, America's Dumbest Criminals. | ||
| You know about that one, right? | ||
| Which enjoyed 17 weeks on the bestseller list. | ||
| He is former writer for Saturday Night Live, haha, as well as author of four other books, Great Government Goofs, Presumed Ignorant, and Presidential Indiscretions. | ||
| His latest book, What's the Number for 911, is published through Andrews McNeil and is already in its count at folks fourth printing, 50,000 now in print. | ||
| He compiled the audio CD, Wacky911, which you're going to hear tonight, and has made two appearances on the Today Show, Inside Edition, appeared on MSNBC Extra, and many other programs. | ||
| Leland co-wrote the feature film Ernest and the Great Pizza Race. | ||
| Oh my God, did he, really? | ||
| As part of a three-picture deal with Disney and optioned the Ian McTeague show screenplay to Touchstone during the years, Leland works as a political, oh, the even years, I see, as a political consultant. | ||
| So like when the campaigns come, he goes. | ||
| Having worked on such campaigns as Governor George Pataki, Senator Bill Frist, Congressman Robin Hayes, Saxby Chambliss, and others, he lives with his wife, writer, voiceover artist Gloria Graves Gregory, their son Nicholas, and their three cats in Nashville, Tennessee. | ||
| My kind of guy, three cats. | ||
| I've got three too. | ||
| He seems like, and he wrote this, I think himself, it ends by saying, he seems like such a great guy, doesn't he? | ||
| Question mark. | ||
| What's that supposed to mean at the end there? | ||
| Did you write that or did they write it about you? | ||
| No, I wrote that. | ||
| I just thought I'd put a plug-in for my personality there at the end. | ||
| Is that like an indication of what's to come? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| In other words, you think you're going to have a good interview, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I hope so. | |
| Leland H. Gregory III. | ||
| Yeah, you can drop all that. | ||
| You know, it sounds like that ought to be in Britain and have nobility attached to it. | ||
| And I should have a wife named Lovie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's right. | |
| Well, if you were a third, too, I'm sure you understand. | ||
| My publisher suggested I do that. | ||
| And now, really? | ||
| From now on, all my books just have Leland Gregory on them. | ||
| All right. | ||
| I thought it was a little ostentatious. | ||
| You did America's Dumbest Criminals, huh? | ||
| Yeah, back in 1995, co-wrote America's Dumbest Criminals, and it did really well. | ||
| As you know, going around the internet now like crazy are the Darwin Awards. | ||
| You know about those? | ||
| Oh, yeah, Wendy Northcutt, yeah, her stuff is great. | ||
| It's absolutely stupendous. | ||
| I wait for each new issue of it anyway. | ||
| Listen, you've now somehow, how did you get involved? | ||
| With all this background, how did you get to 911? | ||
| Well, I kind of, after I did the book, America's Done as Criminals, I kind of became the chronicler of stupid America. | ||
| I started delving into the, kind of wading into the shallow end of the gene pool, if you will. | ||
| And then my next three books, as you mentioned, I did about stupid government, stupid lawyers, stupid presidents. | ||
| And then I thought, you know. | ||
| There's no end of the material, huh? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And I thought, well, what other stupid people haven't I picked on yet? | ||
| And then I thought, hmm, 911 called. | ||
| When I was doing America's Dumb With Criminals, I would come across stories of thieves who would break in through the top window of a building and lower themselves down and steal everything they could carry. | ||
| And then realize that the door was locked and they couldn't get out. | ||
| So they would call 911 to have the cops come and get them out. | ||
| And I thought, I bet there's other dumb people who have called 911. | ||
| A little bit of research. | ||
| I was a 911 dispatcher. | ||
| I thought that was so cool. | ||
| In Monterey County, I did it for one year, and then I thought I was going absolutely insane, and I decided it wasn't for me. | ||
| You know, I took the job home with it. | ||
| It's a very serious job. | ||
| At any given moment, I was keeping track of 20, 25, sometimes police cars, what they were doing, where they were, whether or not they were in danger at any given moment, dispatching fires in the area, and handling a bank of 911 calls. | ||
| And let me tell you, 911 operating dispatching is one of the hardest jobs in the entire world. | ||
| It's like watching, it's like push and tin movie, if you saw that, only in some ways worse. | ||
| Because in my case, we were responsible for everything from picking up the calls to making the dispatch to the follow-through. | ||
| It was all in your hands in Monterey, and it was scary. | ||
| Oh, that. | ||
| From the dispatchers that I've been honored to make friends with over the years from working on the book and the CD, they are a very unique demographic. | ||
| They're very intelligent, very sympathetic, great sense of humor, very dark sense of humor. | ||
| A very dark sense of humor. | ||
| But extremely patient people, and just really some of the best people I've ever met. | ||
| I have a very dark sense of humor, and that's where part of it came from, believe me. | ||
| It helps. | ||
| I mean, you have to have it. | ||
| It's like everyone has heard of cop humor, and cop humor is very dark, and I learned that through America's Dumbest Criminals. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| 911 operators have the same type of humor, but you have to have it, or you would probably go completely insane. | ||
| Well, the police I worked with were out of their mind. | ||
| Absolutely out of their minds. | ||
| I mean, it never ended. | ||
| And they just love to take, oh, for example, one cop one night taped a whole bunch of firecrackers to another guy's tailpipe. | ||
| And, you know, he gets down about three or four blocks. | ||
| And they start going off. | ||
| And, of course, the car screeches to a halt, you know, in the middle of traffic, endangering lives. | ||
| And these guys are ducking down, and they're sure they're being shot at. | ||
| And you hear this frantic call on the radio, and everybody's cracking up. | ||
| And that's the kind of humor that cops have. | ||
| Right, exactly. | ||
| It's perverted, but I guess it's designed to let off steam because it's a hard job. | ||
| Oh, yeah, big time. | ||
| Dangerous job. | ||
| They all seem to be really good people. | ||
| Yeah, they are. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They really are good people, but they're almost a different kind of society, and dispatchers are in that same society with them. | ||
| And I can tell you it's just, it's closed off, and it's different. | ||
| Yeah, and it was actually quite kind of a hard nut to crack when I first approached dispatchers about the project, the first book, What's the Number for 911? | ||
| A lot of hesitation, a lot of resistance because the 911 community is so used to having people make fun of them. | ||
| The delays and how can this happen and rerouting and stuff like that. | ||
| Until I convinced them that, no, I'm on your side. | ||
| I want to make fun of the people that call you. | ||
| And after a while, once they realized that I was not going to make fun of them, I've been just very well received. | ||
| Now, a lot of people would ask, how are you able to, for example, broadcast, what are you going to do tonight, we're going to broadcast a lot of these. | ||
| How are you able to do that? | ||
| How do you get permit? | ||
| Do you have to get permission to do it or what? | ||
| Well, the way the laws are set up is that once the audio tapes are released through a communication center, they become public domain. | ||
| And they're released for legal purposes, lawsuits, depositions, things like that. | ||
| So once they're released, they're considered public domain, and you can pretty much do what you want with them. | ||
| And the other thing is that you can get any call released through the Freedom of Information Act. | ||
| So if you say, I want a copy of this call that came into the Monterey Dispatch Center on Tuesday, January 3rd at 4.15. | ||
| You have to be that specific. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Then they will make you a copy. | ||
| And then that is public domain, and then it's yours, and you can put it into a CD or whatever. | ||
| Correct. | ||
| How many of them did you have to go through that sort of thing to get? | ||
| I went through a couple like that. | ||
| Mainly, I was very fortunate in that, as I said, I became ingratiated in the 911 community, and there's kind of an underground movement of swapping back and forth their favorite tapes. | ||
| And I got in on that group. | ||
| People would send me stuff, and I'd make friends, and I'd copy them, and I'd send them to someone else. | ||
| And so it became this nice little community of people passing tapes back and forth. | ||
| Did they know you were going to ultimately write a book or make a CD? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I was very upfront with them. | ||
| In fact, when I wrote the book, the way I started gaining the calls, not that I'm this very intelligent person, is I wrote the book, What's the Number for 911? | ||
| While I was doing research, operators would say, oh, by the way, I have a call on tape. | ||
| Would you like to have it? | ||
| And I would go, sure. | ||
| So they'd send it to me, and then I had a friend who would put it on a CD, and I would send out the CD and the book to a radio station and say, play the cut, play the track, and we'll promote the book. | ||
| And I did this for months, and I kept getting new calls, and I'd put them on the tape, and the CD started getting larger and larger. | ||
| And DJs kept saying, man, you'd be a moron if you didn't take all the tapes that you're getting and put them out on a CD for sale. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| And I know my wife, for one, was very tired of me being a moron. | ||
| A lot of these are very guarded things. | ||
| I mean, the dispatchers keep them, but they keep them for in-house entertainment generally only. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Yeah, that's why I say it's kind of like this underground movement that there's just a few select dispatchers. | ||
| You know, a lot of people have one tape, you know, or two tapes. | ||
| Then there's some people that have a big pile that they must be just kind of a fun collector thing to do. | ||
| But very guarded because. | ||
| Well, because in some cases careers could be at stake. | ||
| I mean, all kinds of things. | ||
| We did all kinds of nonsense that the public probably wouldn't want to know about. | ||
| Well, I've got some of those too. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| For example, I'm sure that everybody concerned will be okay and has moved on to other police departments. | ||
| But late at night, when some of the cops would get bored, they would play a chase game. | ||
| In other words, one cop would go hide in an alley somewhere, and then there was a race by all the other cops on that night to find the guy. | ||
| And they would go, man, they'd go screaming down the street. | ||
| I'm talking lights and sirens, the whole thing. | ||
| And nobody would ever know what exactly they were looking for the guy who was hiding. | ||
| It was a game. | ||
| I hope I'm not going to get anybody in trouble. | ||
| I've got tapes of police officers singing to the dispatchers. | ||
| Oh, do you really? | ||
| Oh, yeah, just playing around. | ||
| They leave their mic open while they're ordering from McDonald's. | ||
| You know? | ||
| So I've got, I mean, of course, I'm not going to release any of that stuff. | ||
| And my objective is not to embarrass anybody. | ||
| In fact, on the CD Wacky911, we eliminated, we beeped out everybody's name, city, address, phone number. | ||
| Yeah, now that must have been a real job. | ||
| I know what's in some of these 911 calls, and it must have been quite a job to bleep them out just right so you can almost understand what the person is saying, but it doesn't quite get you kicked off the air. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Well, fortunately, my partner owns an audio production studio and has some of the best audio editors in town, and we surgically edited the tape. | ||
| Yeah, I imagine there'd be a lot of surgery involved in that, indeed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Yeah, there's so much information. | ||
| And, you know, and also we cut out a lot of the codes because they don't mean anything to the lay person. | ||
| So we would try to cut them, piece them around, and make sure they still made sense but were sanitary enough so that, you know, like I said, we don't want to get anyone into trouble. | ||
| Including ourselves. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| When you're dealing with America's dumbest criminals, the dumbest 911 calls, all of these things that are at the lower edge of the human condition, does it after a period of time begin to affect you? | ||
| Do you look at the world and people in kind of a different light? | ||
| Yeah, actually, for a while, after I finished the first book or two, I was very cynical about how dumb our population was. | ||
| And then I just started, I decided not to be that way and decided just to appreciate the few brain cells that I have. | ||
| I got away from being pompous and superior and supercilious, and I thought, you know, thank God I can add and subtract. | ||
| Well, a lot of it must happen. | ||
| They're actually not necessarily that dumb, but the adrenaline is going. | ||
| They've attempted to do something they should not have done. | ||
| And so they just end up doing something utterly, incredibly stupid. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And of course, as we all know, Art, alcohol plays a big part in crime. | ||
| Oh, yes. | ||
| You know, a lot of people get juiced up and think, you know, I'm going to steal that TV. | ||
| And they don't really sit down and plan it. | ||
| I mean, my thought is that most alarms and things are called foolproof. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| You know, so there's a double edge to that word because it only stops the fools. | ||
| Well, if you're a genius, you don't usually hear things called genius proof. | ||
| No, that's true. | ||
| The work you do is important, although I don't know why. | ||
| Can I quote you on that? | ||
| Art Bell says. | ||
| That's the only way I can think about it. | ||
| It's important because it entertains and it's funny. | ||
| But I guess if you're the person on the other end of the line making the call or the dumbest criminal who just crashed through a skylight onto a bed of nails or something, your work is something else. | ||
| Well, I hope, you know, like you said, I agree with you. | ||
| It's important, but I don't know why. | ||
| I think, of course, the main purpose is to entertain. | ||
| And then if anyone gets away with saying, you know, maybe I won't try doing that. | ||
| Why? | ||
| You know, that would make me happy. | ||
| Why is it entertaining? | ||
| It's entertaining in the same sense that when the person you love walks across the room and absolutely smashes their toe into something and is hopping around just absolutely wiggling in pain and screeching. | ||
| If you're smart, of course, you keep a very straight face at these times. | ||
| But if you're not so smart and you do the normal human thing, you laugh your butt off while they're wiggling and twitching in pain. | ||
| You know, you are actually a philosopher. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| People have asked me that question for a long time, and finally I came up with an answer, and it's almost the same one. | ||
| My answer is, you laugh at the stuff in my books for the same reason you laugh at somebody when they slip on ice. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Stumping your toe is better, though, because they sort of wiggle around for a long time in pain. | ||
| I like your analogy because if you do laugh, you will get killed. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| I know. | ||
| And I always have. | ||
| So I'm one of America's dumbest. | ||
| We'll be right back. | ||
| Stay right there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know it don't got me there. | |
| I just made you the gift. | ||
| You wanna see the land? | ||
| You know, it's all come easily. | ||
| You don't have to shout or feel you gotta even lately fall in love with me. | ||
| I'm a man of pain. | ||
| How ridiculous and rather cheap. | ||
| And I'm a baby gay. | ||
| Falling in love for me. | ||
| Call Art Bell in the Kingdom of Nye from west of the Rockies at 1-800-618-8255. | ||
| East of the Rockies, 1-800-825-5033. | ||
| First-time callers may rechart at 1-775-727-1222. | ||
| And the wildcard line is open at 1-775-727-1295. | ||
| To rechart on the toll-free international line, call your AT ⁇ T operator and have them dial 800-893-0903. | ||
| This is Coast to Coast A.M. with Arfell from the Kingdom of Nye. | ||
| It certainly is. | ||
| Good morning, everybody. | ||
| My guest is His Majesty Leland Gregory III. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's Leland H. Gregory III. | |
| And we're going to be doing something that's going to be a little bit adult here in a few minutes. | ||
| So if you have children in the room, shuffle them out. | ||
| Even though the keywords certainly have been bleeped out to protect licenses all over the nation, it's still slightly adult material. | ||
| And by the way, here's something His Majesty might consider as a next project. | ||
| Airplane humor. | ||
| During taxi, the crew of a U.S. air departure flight to Fort Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with the United 727. | ||
| The irate ground controller, a female, lashed out at the U.S. air crew, screaming, U.S. Air 2771, where are you going? | ||
| I told you to turn right on Charlie, taxiway. | ||
| You turned right on Delta. | ||
| Stop right there. | ||
| I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it right. | ||
| Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, God, you've screwed up everything. | ||
| It'll take forever to sort this out. | ||
| You stay right there. | ||
| Don't move until I tell you to. | ||
| You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. | ||
| You got that, U.S. Air 2771? | ||
| The humbled crew responded, yes, ma'am. | ||
| Naturally, the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of U.S. Air Flight 2771. | ||
| No one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state of tension. | ||
| So every cockpit at LGA was running high, tension high. | ||
| Shortly after the controller finished her admonishment of the U.S. air crew, an unknown male pilot broke the silence and simply asked, wasn't I married to you once? | ||
| Anyway, Leland, that'd be good for perhaps the next book. | ||
| I will certainly consider that. | ||
| Sounds like a Maidall moment. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| You can get those. | ||
| You know, they're preserved in the same way that 911 calls are. | ||
| Just thought I'd toss an idea your way. | ||
| It's a good one. | ||
| In fact, I heard a tape of a lighthouse. | ||
| A lighthouse? | ||
| Yeah, they were talking to a ship at sea. | ||
| Oh, yes. | ||
| Have you heard that one? | ||
| Yes, indeed. | ||
| Each one urging the other to move. | ||
| I suggest you move because we're a lighthouse. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| All right. | ||
| Hold it right there. | ||
| We'll come right back and we'll get into this CD, and you guys aren't going to believe it. | ||
| Here's a very short one. | ||
| A DZ-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed just a little too high. | ||
| San Jose Tower, American 751 Heavy. | ||
| Turn right at the end if able. | ||
| If not, take the Guanalupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport. | ||
| A kind of a dry way for a San Jose controller to tell the fellow, you're about to run off the end, bud. | ||
| You're coming in awful hot here. | ||
| They have very dry senses of humor. | ||
| Once again, here's Leland. | ||
| Hi, Leland. | ||
| Hey, Mart. | ||
| How you doing? | ||
| All right. | ||
| I would like to now play some of these that we have. | ||
| Great. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Prepare thyselves out there. | ||
| These are real 911 calls you're going to hear. | ||
| This first one, I don't even think I'll bring up the name. | ||
| I'll just play it and we'll let. | ||
| Do you have any introduction you wish to do for these, Leland? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| Well, mostly they're self-explanatory. | ||
| This one definitely is. | ||
| And some you can't explain. | ||
| And some you'd rather not. | ||
| Here comes number one. | ||
| Listen carefully, everybody. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Oh, no, wait a minute. | ||
| Oh, that wasn't helpful. | ||
| That was the trash can sound. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The number you have reached, 9-1-1, has been changed to a non-published number. | |
| The number you have reached, 9-1-1, has been changed to a non-published number. | ||
| Flight 111st? | ||
| This is something you gotta see. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is unbelievable. | |
| Hey, what's the problem, man? | ||
| I got a man in the pool. | ||
| He's got his private stuck in the pump line. | ||
| What? | ||
| You can't believe me. | ||
| I'm telling y'all. | ||
| This is the gun. | ||
| Something you really got to see the police. | ||
| North Florida? | ||
| Yes, ma'am. | ||
| Until 44. | ||
| You gotta stop laughing, Kenny. | ||
| Yeah, this is something you just don't see every day now. | ||
| And he's in the pool? | ||
| He's in the pool. | ||
| He said he's been in here for three years. | ||
| It's gotta be shriveled up like Joey. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Yeah, he's doing this. | ||
| Okay, are you security then? | ||
| Yeah, but I'm on the night clerk here. | ||
| You're the night clerk. | ||
| You can't keep up. | ||
| I'm just... | ||
| Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. | ||
| We don't even have to talk about that one. | ||
| It was all probably self-evident. | ||
| I might like to hear a follow-up to it. | ||
| I wonder if the fellow had a long recovery or... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| And actually, I made that up, but it's kind of funny. | ||
| But they were able to release the man. | ||
| They, of course, first turned off the pool pump. | ||
| Everyone thought would help, but unfortunately, he was swollen. | ||
| And I'm stuck, and I can't get out. | ||
| The only way they were able to remove him was by using an industrial lubricant. | ||
| Three hours? | ||
| He was in there for three hours. | ||
| Three hours. | ||
| And I guess that falls under the category of, gee, don't you hate that when that happens? | ||
| Well, you know, how would you ever live in, I mean, you'd have to move. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You would have to move, right? | |
| Because that would be passed down from officer to son. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| It'd probably wear a larger-sized pant for a while. | ||
| You'd be no good in that community forever. | ||
| All right. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I listened to one we just heard, and I went, oh, God, this is going to be some show. | ||
| So I haven't even heard the other ones. | ||
| Oh, well, then you're in for a lot of fun here. | ||
| With the exception of the guy in the phone booth with the deer. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| That really should be heard uncensored to be properly understood. | ||
| But we'll get to that one. | ||
| Something about a dead body? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How do you know it's dead? | |
| Because the boy across the street in the mouth is howling, but somebody call the police. | ||
| He's yelling, call the police, call the police. | ||
| He is dead because he's shot. | ||
| He's dead. | ||
| He's dead. | ||
| We get a lot of dead bodies sometimes. | ||
| You hear the guy calling help now? | ||
| All right, we'll be there. | ||
| Thanks. | ||
| We'll be there. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| A lot of people ask me, they say, well, you know, why didn't they dispatch somebody immediately? | ||
| And it's like, well, a dead body is not a life or death emergency. | ||
| No, if you look at it just very clinically, 911 is for life or death emergencies only. | ||
| If you're already dead, it's not an emergency. | ||
| You know, you're not really going to be going anywhere. | ||
| But everybody who, I mean, if their aunt is suddenly dead, they call 911. | ||
| Everybody calls 911 for a dead body, right? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Especially if you find one in your front yard. | ||
| Well, wherever you might find one, you're going to call 911. | ||
| Somebody's going to scream, call 911. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| So he was right. | ||
| Dispatch was right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We get dead bodies all the time. | |
| Yeah, we get dead bodies all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How do you know he's dead? | |
| A key question. | ||
| All right, here we go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I am Gab and tied up with a person close to you for weeks. | |
| Sure, I can't understand you. | ||
| Okay, he said that he possessed him as a lobber, he's been tied up in gags. | ||
| Where is he at? | ||
| Can you give us your address? | ||
| 600, what? | ||
| Walnut? | ||
| Orange? | ||
| Gag, gagged. | ||
| Olive, sir? | ||
| Olive? | ||
| Um, you want me to have the outfit or you want me to have someone check this out? | ||
| Please. | ||
| Okay, please come on. | ||
| I understand it. | ||
| So 600 olive? | ||
| Are you saying olive? | ||
| Oh, run. | ||
| I think I forget what he's saying. | ||
| Is it Atlantic? | ||
| Oh, run. | ||
| Olive, A-L-Almo. | ||
| Almond, right? | ||
| 600 almond? | ||
| Okay, that won't be necessary. | ||
| You don't have to run a check. | ||
| How long ago this happened? | ||
| 53 years. | ||
| You got something. | ||
| Listen to me. | ||
| Listen to me. | ||
| Do you live in a house and apartment there? | ||
| Apartment. | ||
| What apartment do you live in? | ||
| Maurice, two. | ||
| One, two? | ||
| All right, what? | ||
| Four. | ||
| What apartment? | ||
| Four. | ||
| Two? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And what's his last name? | ||
| Look for real. | ||
| Okay, so we're going to send the police out, all right? | ||
| Okay, if I like. | ||
| Carnal for Lawrence Street. | ||
| Let me go so I can send the police, all right? | ||
| Oh, bye bye. | ||
| I love it, because they keep asking him questions. | ||
| What'd you ask me? | ||
| For those who didn't know, that guy was bound and gagged. | ||
| And somehow he got the phone up there. | ||
| How'd he do that? | ||
| That, I don't know. | ||
| I've had stories of people who have knocked the phones off with their nose and dialed 911 with their tongue. | ||
| But I just keep asking him questions. | ||
| I don't know what to do anymore. | ||
| I closed my mic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was here. | |
| God, that was funny. | ||
| That was really funny. | ||
| Oh, brother. | ||
| And that's one of my favorite ones simply because, I mean, the dispatchers worked in tandem because apparently one of them could understand garbled language. | ||
| Oh, he said he's a victim of a robbery and he's been bound and gagged and tied up with extinction cord. | ||
| Maybe a dental assistant would be somebody who did that. | ||
| But I guess, what is it? | ||
| Almond? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alnut? | |
| Oh, and then you find it like the nut. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you've got to get back to very serious. | |
| This poor son of a gun is tied up. | ||
| Bound and gagged. | ||
| Somehow he gets a phone. | ||
| Just listen to a moment more of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I am gambling for you for it. | |
| Say, I can't do. | ||
| Okay, he said that he's a bitch on the wrapper. | ||
| He's been tied up in that. | ||
| Where is he at? | ||
| Can you give us your address? | ||
| Competitor, what? | ||
| Yalnut? | ||
| Orange? | ||
| Olive? | ||
| Walnut? | ||
| Well, all right. | ||
| They're all of these things. | ||
| What I find interesting is that the way the human mind works is that after a while they get into the nut category by mistake. | ||
| Did you say Walnut? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Walnut? | |
| No. | ||
| Alma. | ||
| Not for a guy. | ||
| I mean, we're dealing with somebody here probably was robbed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I know. | |
| Tied up and gagged. | ||
| But if you listen to it over and over again, you can hear him say, I'm a victim of a robbery. | ||
| I've been bound and gagged inside it with extension cords. | ||
| Just the 600. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, good. | |
| All right. | ||
| We've got so many to go through. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hi. | |
| Can I help you? | ||
| I hope so. | ||
| This is the third night in a row we've had to report the crime of disturbing the police peace against the same person at the same address. | ||
| It's one. | ||
| And they have an alarm that keeps going off all night long. | ||
| On and off. | ||
| On and off. | ||
| It's just driving us crazy. | ||
| We can't sleep. | ||
| Please put them under arrest. | ||
| Please. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Hello. | ||
| Shh. | ||
| Not a word about where they are or anything else. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, yes. | |
| Really? | ||
| I never noticed that. | ||
| I have a neighbor. | ||
| Can you put them under arrest? | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| And not a word about where or anything else. | ||
| How funny. | ||
| I never even thought about that. | ||
| They've got a commercial on TV you may have seen where there's this big, hefty guy sitting in a little cubicle taking complaints for a company. | ||
| Have you seen that? | ||
| No, I haven't. | ||
| And this lady is screaming at him and screaming at him. | ||
| And he finally says to her at the end, well, what's the problem? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The problem? | |
| Quick! | ||
| Same kind of deal. | ||
| Really? | ||
| How funny is that? | ||
| All right. | ||
| There's 44 cuts on the CD Wacky 911, and it's about an hour's worth, so it's a real good party tape. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, so if you want to just sit around, you know, if you want to listen to them all at once, that's fine, but spread them out. | ||
| Spread them out and savor them, huh? | ||
| Yeah, or listen to them in your car. | ||
| You might not want to listen to them in your car because. | ||
| You might drive off the road. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| Then you'll be in volume two. | ||
| What is noise at school? | ||
| It's another noise complaint like the one previous. | ||
| The guy's calling because someone's working at the school at night. | ||
| At night? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All right, here we are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you have got people working in the school right now and have been working all night long, violating the noise code over here. | |
| They're reporting a noise complaint that's not an emergency call, so you'll have to call on the business line. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yes, really. | ||
| This is for emergency calls only. | ||
| Well, how about if I shoot him? | ||
| Would it be an emergency then? | ||
| Two one. | ||
| But you'll have to call back on the business line. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| See, there's that dark sense of humor. | ||
| If I shoot him, would it be an emergency? | ||
| Sure would. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Give it a look. | |
| Then you can call me back. | ||
| But until then, call the business line. | ||
| I wonder if they would dispatch on that. | ||
| You know, just the possibility of the threat that the guy might go over there and shoot somebody. | ||
| They actually might dispatch on that. | ||
| I guess it depends on how busy they are. | ||
| Because there's some samples, some examples on the CD, Wacky911, where they do dispatch for non-emergency numbers, non-emergency calls. | ||
| Listen, how about your book? | ||
| Now, how does that interact with the CD? | ||
| Well, the book is What's the Number for 911? | ||
| And I wrote that last year. | ||
| And none of the stories in the book are the same as the stories on the CD, except for one, Joe vs. | ||
| the Deer. | ||
| I put that in both the book and the CD because it's so incredibly funny that I just had to put them in both. | ||
| So the stories are exclusive of themselves. | ||
| So the book's got its own stories. | ||
| The CD has its own stories. | ||
| Well, I try and keep my program pretty clean. | ||
| You know, I really do. | ||
| I'll say occasional hell or damn, and that's about it. | ||
| However, Joe and the Deer was so funny. | ||
| Please, please air it. | ||
| It was so funny that what I did was I put it up on the website about a year and a half ago, raw. | ||
| And I put all kinds of warnings on there, really, really, really bad language and all the rest of it. | ||
| But we did put the unedited version on my website. | ||
| It's the wildest thing we ever did in that category. | ||
| It's very funny. | ||
| My partners and I just, you know, we had the option of, of course, including it as is and several of the other cuts as is with all the language and expletives and things like that. | ||
| For some reason, we just decided, you know, let's go ahead and censor them out, make it more broad-based and so more people would be able to buy it because you wouldn't buy it for a younger person. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| But if the expletives are cut out, grown-ups still know what they're saying. | ||
| And actually, Joe versus the Deer, I don't think, lost any of its humorous value with the beats. | ||
| Well, I don't know if we've got enough time to play it, but I'm going to try it before the top of the hour. | ||
| Here's Joe versus the Deer. | ||
| This is the ambulance emergency line. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you have an emergency? | |
| I need a band of that. | ||
| Who is this? | ||
| Joe. | ||
| Okay, Joe, where do you need us? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm in a motherfucking phone booth. | |
| Okay, what's the address there? | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Okay, Joe, I needed a location. | ||
| What street are you on? | ||
| I'm in a motherfucking phone booth at the stopping go. | ||
| I'm at the that's it. | ||
| I'm at the motherfucking stop and go. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh no, wait a minute. | |
| Huff street booth. | ||
| What's the motherfucking street? | ||
| Huff Smith Hall Road in the stop booth. | ||
| At the motherfucking stop and go. | ||
| Yo. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| Ha ha ha. | ||
| Let me see. | ||
| I'm in the motherfucking home booth. | ||
| Let me tell you what. | ||
| I'm going down the motherfucking road driving in my car minding my own damn business and a motherfucking ear jumping out and hitting my car. | ||
| Okay, sir, are you injured? | ||
| Now let me tell you. | ||
| I get out and pick the motherfucking ear up. | ||
| I thought he's dead. | ||
| I put the motherfucking ear in my back seat and I'm driving down the motherfucking road and minding my own business. | ||
| The motherfucking woke up and bit me in the back of my little neck. | ||
| It bit me and it just kicked the out of my car. | ||
| I'm in the motherfucking phone booth. | ||
| The deer bit me in the neck. | ||
| A big motherfucking dog came up and bit me in the neck. | ||
| I hit him with the motherfucking tire iron and I stabbed him. | ||
| I stabbed him with my knife. | ||
| So I got a hurt leg and the motherfucking deer bit me in the neck. | ||
| And the deer, and the dog wanted me out of the motherfucking phone booth because he wants the deer. | ||
| Who gets the deer? | ||
| Me or the dog? | ||
| Okay, sir, are you injured? | ||
| Yeah, my motherfucking deer bit me in the neck. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| The motherfucking dog is biting me. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Get out of here. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| The motherfucking dog is biting on me. | ||
| The greatest call. | ||
| The greatest call ever. | ||
| That's got to be one of the greatest calls ever made to any dispatch center anywhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And I'm hot on the trail of finding the actual dispatcher who took the call. | ||
| I've got a lead from a detective agency in Poughkeepsie, New York, who claims ownership of that call. | ||
| And I'm tracking it down. | ||
| Now, I've also got a dispatch center in Houston, Texas that claims that the call came from there, too. | ||
| You know what I'd like to do? | ||
| I'd like to interview Joe. | ||
| Trouble is, track down Joe and interview him. | ||
| Trouble is, of course, you could never put him on the air. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Not in a million years. | ||
| Unless you had a tape delay. | ||
| Or unless it was your last act. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Stay right there. | ||
| We'll be right back. | ||
| I'm Art Bell. | ||
| This is Coast to Coast KF. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| And it's so there's no way to get right back to where we've started from. | ||
| Love your son. | ||
| Love is gone. | ||
| gotta get right And you first paint my way. | ||
| I didn't know what to take your place. | ||
| And if you get hurt, if you get hurt, by the little things I say, I can let it find my night of downtown. | ||
| World of all my FBI. | ||
| Betting in a mouthful of bad man. | ||
| The crystal follows down the night. | ||
| The crude leather boots are on my website. | ||
| For the people who are doing long. | ||
| If I'm about to call up a DA man, run a hoof that all. | ||
| Wanna take a ride? | ||
| Call Art Bell from west of the Rockies at 1-800-618-8255. | ||
| East of the Rockies, 1-800-825-5033. | ||
| First-time callers may reach Art at 1-775-727-1222. | ||
| The wildcard line is open at 1-775-727-1295. | ||
| And to call Art on the toll-free international line, call your AT ⁇ T operator and have them dial 800-893-0903. | ||
| This is Coast to Coast AM with Ark Bell from the Kingdom of Nye. | ||
| Aha, it is. | ||
| You know, that poor guy who was bound and gagged, it's possible to laugh so hard that you injure yourself. | ||
| You actually injure yourself. | ||
| You know, for a few days, you'll have a strange little pain in your side that you can't identify. | ||
| It comes from laughing too hard. | ||
| Back now to Leland Gregory. | ||
| Leland, it really is possible. | ||
| I started laughing so hard during the gag thing. | ||
| You know, I'd heard Joe before, but the gag thing, that got me big time. | ||
| I was laughing so hard, I think I hurt myself. | ||
| Yeah, I've had to have my spleen replaced already. | ||
| Yeah, it's not a bad way of making a living, Art. | ||
| It's a really weird way to make a living. | ||
| Yeah, well, I'm sure you understand that being in the radio. | ||
| I do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I do. | ||
| Sitting here five hours a night doing whatever it is I do. | ||
| Totally weird. | ||
| But I wouldn't trade it. | ||
| Like you said, we think it's beneficial, but we don't know why. | ||
| Yeah, actually, that could be said about my show to you. | ||
| There you go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolutely right. | |
| All right, let's make our way through. | ||
| You call them. | ||
| Now, I presume you've got a list in front of you, right? | ||
| I have all of them right here, yeah. | ||
| So I'm going to defer to you about where I should go. | ||
| You give me a number and I'll go there. | ||
| Okay, I like number six. | ||
| Who actually was the one coming up next anyway, but this is a call that is one of the ones that you, you know, I said some are self-explanatory and some you can't explain. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| This one you can't explain. | ||
| All right, here it comes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, and I'm not going to, I don't know what some something is happening to me right now. | |
| I don't know what is going on. | ||
| It's just hard. | ||
| It's hard to explain because things are just growing out of my mouth. | ||
| And I am not calling it. | ||
| This is no joke. | ||
| Did you need the place that you need an ambulance? | ||
| I need the ambulance. | ||
| I need to go to the hospital because something things are just growing in my mouth. | ||
| It's like what? | ||
| I don't know what. | ||
| I don't want to connect the ambulance. | ||
| Locker. | ||
| Sound apartment. | ||
| Oh yes, I don't know what is going on, but something is growing. | ||
| Things are growing in my mouth. | ||
| Things are growing in your mouth? | ||
| Yes, I don't know what is going on. | ||
| I was in the bed and now things are growing in my mouth. | ||
| Things are growing in your mouth? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| What kind of things are growing in your mouth? | ||
| Uh I don't know what they are. | ||
| I can't see them. | ||
| Can you feel them? | ||
| Feel them? | ||
| Well, yes, I feel them in my mouth, but I don't know what they are. | ||
| What do they feel? | ||
| Do they feel like trees or just limbs or what? | ||
| Like circles. | ||
| Like circles? | ||
| Oh, like little balls or something. | ||
| I don't know what they are. | ||
| Have you looked in the mirror? | ||
| I'm afraid to. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| That's a riot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jeez. | |
| That's an absolute riot. | ||
| Growing in his mouth. | ||
| Do you ever, Leland, get follow-ups to any of these to know what was growing in this guy's mouth? | ||
| No, I think that one is he probably took a little tiny square of paper that had certain chemicals on it and ate it earlier. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I see. | |
| Like trees or limbs. | ||
| When the cop does that, do they feel like limbs? | ||
| Limbs or trees? | ||
| Now you can tell I was somewhere in the south. | ||
| Yes, actually my hometown, Nashville, Tennessee. | ||
| Oh, that came from Nashville. | ||
| Yes, sir. | ||
| I love the way people talk in Nashville. | ||
| Isn't it charming? | ||
| It is. | ||
| You must not be native because I don't hear Nashville in you. | ||
| Well, my father was in the Air Force, so I'm from the eastern United States. | ||
| My dad was in the Marines, and so I'm a world citizen. | ||
| See, that's why we're in the business that we're in. | ||
| We seclude ourselves now because we just don't want to go anywhere else. | ||
| You're absolutely right about that. | ||
| Absolutely right. | ||
| Stuff growing in his mouth. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Direct me. | ||
| Oh, go to the next one, track seven. | ||
| This is a man who somehow thinks that the operators are there like an ATM machine. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Here it comes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let me speak to Chris a minute, please. | |
| I'm sorry. | ||
| What do you need? | ||
| Chris. | ||
| This is 911. | ||
| Did you need the police? | ||
| Yes, ma'am. | ||
| I sure do. | ||
| Well, who's Chris? | ||
| He was the policeman that did my paperwork. | ||
| I think I needed the assistance of emergency. | ||
| I'm dialing nine plus 911. | ||
| I got an immediate fact to do back to doc immediately. | ||
| And the hotel is not cooperating with me. | ||
| It's for two whole bucks worth of money. | ||
| I took all the cash in this room somewhere, but I can't find it. | ||
| I've got to get a fax off to Dr. Shuck. | ||
| Now, I was told by your police department that when I needed them at the right time, they'd come and take care of the situation. | ||
| Is that true or is that a problem? | ||
| Let me just verify why you're calling. | ||
| You're calling 911. | ||
| Yes, ma'am. | ||
| 9 plus 911. | ||
| Yeah, okay. | ||
| Got an emergency. | ||
| You have an emergency because you need to send a text. | ||
| For two bucks. | ||
| Do you need the paramedics or something? | ||
| That would be good. | ||
| Okay, so you need the paramedics to respond to the most... | ||
| Oh, yeah, you know what? | ||
| That's not going to happen. | ||
| What's going to happen? | ||
| Where do I go and get the damn $2 from? | ||
| I'm your most prominent new citizen. | ||
| Doesn't Dr. Mohammed have any clout even in this town? | ||
| Isn't he close, most prominent citizen? | ||
| Am I not going to go to work for him full-time? | ||
| Isn't that why I came here to begin with? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Okay, well, I don't have two bucks to lend you, sir, so I'm not sure what to tell you. | ||
| Tell me what I should find. | ||
| Two measly dollars in this house. | ||
| I don't know, sir. | ||
| I'll find it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I'm sure that's a man who everybody has run into in their life, someone with that kind of attitude. | ||
| Well, you've got to give the 911 operator a lot of credit there. | ||
| She hung in longer than I would have. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| What I love is when they recap it, to try to let the caller know how stupid they sound. | ||
| She said, now let me see. | ||
| You're calling emergency 911 because you have a fax, an immediate fax that needs to go out immediately, you know, and you need two bucks. | ||
| Yep, that's right. | ||
| I responded some of the calls. | ||
| And it didn't register like, hey, moron. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't do that. | |
| I respond to some callers in the same way. | ||
| It's kind of like, stop a minute in your story. | ||
| Now, let me get this straight, what's saying here. | ||
| Some of it is so fantastic that I hear from my callers that I have to literally, just as she did, stop them and be sure in my mind that they just said what they really said. | ||
| And that's what happened to that young lady. | ||
| Yeah, she's actually one of my friends who's a dispatcher. | ||
| Oh, is she really? | ||
| Yeah, she's one who's been very nice enough to supply me with a lot of tapes because she understands the reason to, you know, she enjoys the humor behind it. | ||
| That's one of her favorite cuts. | ||
| Even at the expense of others, which this really is, laughter is really good for you. | ||
| And doctors say, they really do say, and I bet you've researched this, that you'll live longer if you laugh. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| And I'm hoping to get to at least, you know, I'm 40 now. | ||
| I mean, I'll take 45. | ||
| Just anything. | ||
| And how long ago did you begin this project now? | ||
| Well, about two years ago, I started writing the first draft of the book. | ||
| And I don't know if people know about the literary world, but usually you write the first draft, and by the time it's accepted to the time it hits the shelves, there's about a year. | ||
| It takes about a year for it to get on the shelves. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| And then about six months or so to write it. | ||
| It's been about two, two and a half years, and it took that long to collect this many audio cuts because they're very, very, very hard to get. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Shall we proceed by the number? | ||
| Yeah, that's fine. | ||
| The next two are short ones in a row. | ||
| All right, then we'll do them in a row. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
911. | |
| Yeah, I don't know if I need like emergency, emergency, but who do I talk to if somebody just walked off with all your laundry at the laundromat? | ||
| Calls 2,000. | ||
| Thanks. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| 685, 206, 105 North Avenue, 55. | ||
| Laundry gone. | ||
| Laundry gone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, hi. | |
| Is this 911? | ||
| Yes, it is. | ||
| Yeah, listen, now, if somebody comes in my house, my fiancé, okay, and takes my TV and sells it, and I want to go get her some rolled tacos. | ||
| Now, can you get her busted for that? | ||
| What city are you talking about, son? | ||
| She took my TV and stole it out of my house. | ||
| Okay, let me get you the police department, okay? | ||
| All right, thank you. | ||
| Can you get her? | ||
| He's out buying rolled tacos, which is something that I don't think I've ever heard before, but I guess I'm not from California. | ||
| And she took his TV. | ||
| And stole his TV, yeah, while he was out getting her dinner. | ||
| So it's a go on. | ||
| Number 12 is very funny, because Joe versus the deer was 11, but go to 12, and this is another one where, well, I won't give away the ending of what happened, but it's a non-emergency call, as they all are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
911? | |
| This isn't really an emergency, but it did a sort of one to this little lady. | ||
| Well, I've been terribly upset, and I thought the only thing I could do, I don't think of sleep pills and all of that, I went out and bought myself a couple of small bottles of beer. | ||
| I thought that would relax me. | ||
| The problem. | ||
| The problem is I can't open the bottle. | ||
| Could you send a man over and I'll be downstairs and have him open the bottle? | ||
| Okay, now wait a minute. | ||
| Okay, wait a minute. | ||
| Am I correct that you can't sleep? | ||
| So you went out and bought two bottles of beer and you want to please him to come by and open them for you? | ||
| Yes, please, because I don't have any equipment here that seems to handle that kind of a top. | ||
| And I have never gone in. | ||
| I think I had a ketchup bottle once and a neighbor broke the top off. | ||
| Aw. | ||
| Well, listen, I'm going to get you someone out there to open those beer bottles. | ||
| Well, you just stay in your apartment now, Ben, and I'll send them up to the apartment. | ||
| What's your phone number? | ||
| Well, I take a look at it. | ||
| It's a new one, and I don't remember it very well. | ||
| Okay, so I can hardly see it. | ||
| It's all blotted and blurred. | ||
| It looks like I can't see it with all the magnifying glass. | ||
| Okay, you can't see it without a magnifying glass. | ||
| That's okay, but I don't know your phone number now. | ||
| Well, it looks like it. | ||
| It has been put in by the operator, or the one that put the phone in. | ||
| And it's down below, and that was it. | ||
| And then they put another one on the top, and they're sort of overblowed. | ||
| I'm feeling it. | ||
| Yeah, that's okay. | ||
| I'll just get it. | ||
| I'm cold sober, and I... | ||
| I don't have any bad intent or anything. | ||
| I'm able to go to sleep. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Well, we'll get you in that beer bottle. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| You're welcome here. | ||
| Aha. | ||
| Can I hang out? | ||
| Yeah, 14. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Bye-bye. | ||
| Bye-bye. | ||
| Incredible. | ||
| Absolutely incredible. | ||
| Now, the interesting part is that after they hang up, there's a little bit left on the cut where the dispatcher calls the policeman and says, Charlie 14, assist the elderly resident. | ||
| And he comes back saying, and he says, assist the elderly resident doing what? | ||
| And there's a pause, and she said, per the captain's instructions, we prefer not to give the code out over the air. | ||
| Maybe I can get this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
female. | |
| Charlie, it's been okay per the lieutenant. | ||
| I would prefer not to give the code out on the end. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That tells me one thing. | ||
| They have a code. | ||
| I have no idea what it would be. | ||
| I dispatched. | ||
| There was no such code. | ||
| There can't be any such code. | ||
| I guess that's standard equipment for police. | ||
| It's like gun gun, handcuffs, pistol. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But she drew it. | |
| Yeah, but she went ahead with it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She went ahead and dispatched the police officer to open a beer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I've never heard of that before. | ||
| In my life, never, no. | ||
| That's a very nice 911 center. | ||
| Yeah, and you can tell that, you know, at the very beginning of the call, the operator sounds a little hesitant. | ||
| Like, let me get this straight. | ||
| You want me to send out a cop to do that? | ||
| That's right. | ||
| And then she realizes that it's just this sweet old lady who's having trouble sleeping. | ||
| Okay, honey, I'll send someone out, open them beer bottles for you. | ||
| That really is sweet. | ||
| I guess in some parts of the country, somehow or another, I don't think that would be happening in New York or L.A. Probably not. | ||
| Maybe in Nashville, but probably not even Nashville. | ||
| You probably have to go out a little bit. | ||
| Yeah, this woman was from a smaller town, as you can tell. | ||
| That was really sweet anyway. | ||
| Yeah, I thought it was really nice. | ||
| And she's, like I said, she's the lady who's been supplying me with a lot of the calls. | ||
| She's a really nice lady. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Once they realize that, you know, it's not a prank call, that the lady just really needs help opening her beer bottles, and why not? | ||
| All right. | ||
| Very nice. | ||
| On to homework? | ||
| Yeah, please. | ||
| Homework helper. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I need some help. | |
| What's the matter? | ||
| With my map. | ||
| With your mouth? | ||
| No, it's my math. | ||
| I have to do it. | ||
| Will you help me? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Where do you live? | ||
| No, it's my math. | ||
| Yeah, I know it. | ||
| Where do you live, though? | ||
| No. | ||
| I want you to talk to me on the phone. | ||
| No, I can't do that. | ||
| I guess someone else will help you. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Um. | ||
| What kind of math do you have that you need help with? | ||
| I have I have takeaways. | ||
| Oh, you gotta do the takeaways? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All right, what's the problem? | ||
| Um, you have to help me with my math. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Tell me what the math is. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| 16. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Takeaway eight. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| Is what? | ||
| You tell me, how much do you think it is? | ||
| I'm now one. | ||
| No. | ||
| How old are you? | ||
| I'm only four. | ||
| Four? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's another problem? | ||
| That was a tough one. | ||
| Um, oh, here's one. | ||
| Five takeaway five. | ||
| Five takeaway five. | ||
| And how much do you think that is? | ||
| hi Yeah. | ||
| Why did I tell you that I put it on the bed? | ||
| The car says that. | ||
| I didn't mean to polite. | ||
| Another case of a very nice 911 dispatch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that was really nice. | |
| I just love the ending, though. | ||
| Charlie, what are you doing? | ||
| Nice policeman's helping me with my math. | ||
| She was a cute little one, wasn't she? | ||
| Yeah, it's just a really charming story, and it ends well, and it's just very funny. | ||
| And what's funny, as Homer Simpson would say, it's funny because it's true. | ||
| Yeah, because it's true. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| And that's why everybody can identify with these kinds of things. | ||
| And there's a lot of samples. | ||
| When I wrote the book, What's the Number for 911, I came across just a ton of transcripts that I was unable to find the actual audio for. | ||
| But I put the transcripts in the book. | ||
| So What's the Number for 911? | ||
| It has about 170 stories and transcripts, and the CD Wacky 911 has, like I said, about 44 tracks and is about an hour in length. | ||
| Now, if you put Joe and the deer in the book, did you put it in uncensored? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, I went ahead and made little asterisks and stuff like that when he used those hyphenated words. | ||
| But everyone, I mean, I put the M. So people don't think he's saying, oh, you know, like a white-tailed deer or any kind of other kind of hyphenated deer. | ||
| And also, that one is so popular that, as you did, we put it on our website at wacky911.com, the censored version, of course. | ||
| Now we have a link on our website to your website so people can hear that. | ||
| If they want to rehear, Joe, there is a place to do it. | ||
| And also, well, we'll get all the information about the CD and the book on here in a minute. | ||
| Stay right where you are. | ||
| I'm Mark Bellin. | ||
| is coast to coast AM, laughing our way through this night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Every night I hope and pray, a dream lover will come my way. | |
| A girl will hold in my arms, and know the magic of her charms. | ||
| Girl, you call my own. | ||
| I want a dream lover so I don't have to dream alone. | ||
| We'll be right back. | ||
| Long ago, in days of old, there lived a knight who wasn't quite as bold as a knight should be. | ||
| He rode an old grey mare convent, searching for a damsel in distress, just to see if he could free the light in rusty arms to a raid. | ||
| Trust me, Lord, it's hanging at his side Where the rusty blade. | ||
| Wanna take a ride? | ||
| Call Art Bell from west of the Rockies at 1-800-618-8255. | ||
| East of the Rockies at 1-800-825-5033. | ||
| First-time callers may reach ART at area code 775-727-1222. | ||
| Or call the Wildcard line at 775-727-1295. | ||
| To talk with ART on the toll-free international line, call your AT ⁇ T operator and have them dial 800-893-0903. | ||
| This is Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell. | ||
| It certainly is. | ||
| Good morning, everybody. | ||
| Leland Gregory is here with a riotous CD that he's put together. | ||
| 911 calls. | ||
| Actually, it's actually called Wacky911, and he's got a book to go with it. | ||
| And if you'll get out a piece of paper and a pencil in a moment, I know a lot of you are going to want this CD. | ||
| Or if you don't, you're crazy, and we're going to tell you how to get it. | ||
| So pencil and paper ready. | ||
| We'll get it to you in a second. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How they still got married and as twins, they came into him. | |
| Every suit of armor ever played had the king chain male pants with a mid-say lady. | ||
| Yes, I know. | ||
| There was an extra commercial in there because I blew a break earlier. | ||
| I was laughing so hard. | ||
| I totally blew right through a break. | ||
| It happens to me every now and then. | ||
| So I'm making up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sorry about that. | |
| Leland Gregory back again. | ||
| Hi. | ||
| Hey. | ||
| All right. | ||
| We want to get the info. | ||
| First of all, if you want the CD, and there are 44 cuts on the CD, there's a lot of stuff on the CD, folks. | ||
| How do they order the CD? | ||
| That's going to be the most popular item, I bet. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| If you go to our website at wacky911.com or click through artbells.com website, which is connected to ours. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| We have a link up. | ||
| We always do for tonight's guest. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So it's wacky911.com, and you can listen to free samples from the CD, order the CD, you can order the book, What's the Number for 911, and my other goofy books, like America's Dumbest Criminals and Great Government Goops and all that. | ||
| We also have a toll-free number. | ||
| That's what I want. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| It's 1-866-754 TAPE, T-A-T-E, which is 8273. | ||
| It's tape, but it's a CD. | ||
| It makes sense, huh? | ||
| Well, the phone number has probably been around for a while. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And tape, at least people can remember it. | ||
| Well, they can, but let me read it again to get... | ||
| The CD is $14.95 worth every penny. | ||
| I think the book is $8.95. | ||
| Is that all it is? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's really cheap. | ||
| I'm telling you, buddy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm not out to rip people off. | ||
| All right, it's 1-866-754-8273. | ||
| Correct. | ||
| Nobody sells a book that cheap anymore. | ||
| I'm telling you, man, I'm one of the last few. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm doing it out of the goodness of my heart. | |
| I bet you're laughing that laugh all the way to the bank. | ||
| This is good stuff. | ||
| I'm sure that quantity makes up, I suppose, for it. | ||
| Yeah, well, the book, what's the number for 911? | ||
| Like I said, it's got about 50 or 60,000 in print. | ||
| It's done really, really well. | ||
| You know, I was on the Today Show twice and MSNBC and Inside Edition and Extra. | ||
| It just seems like a lot of people are interested in the stupid things people say on the phone. | ||
| Yeah, well, and the stupid things people do, too. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, that's for the last five years, that's what I've made my career, writing stupid books and doing politics. | ||
| Actually, there's a very close relationship, isn't there? | ||
| It's very close. | ||
| Between stupid criminals and politicians. | ||
| It's almost redundant, isn't it? | ||
| But all right. | ||
| Let us move on. | ||
| 14. | ||
| Is 14 good? | ||
| Let's see. | ||
| Eh, not the funniest. | ||
| Let's go to 15. | ||
| All right. | ||
| 15 it is. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
911. | |
| 911, what are you reporting? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You don't know what you're reporting? | ||
| This is 911. | ||
| Do you have an emergency there? | ||
| Is there anybody else there that can tell me whether you're having an emergency? | ||
| Just your phone. | ||
| Well, your phone's the one that called us. | ||
| You're going to New York next week? | ||
| Is that an emergency? | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| You still there? | ||
| I'm still. | ||
| Well, I'm still here, too. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Is there anybody else there? | ||
| No. | ||
| So you're all by yourself? | ||
| Can I tell them? | ||
| No, but it is when you call 911 and we're trying to help you. | ||
| You don't want that? | ||
| 911 wants you more than that. | ||
| Well then why did you call 911? | ||
| Uh you didn't call 911. | ||
| You didn't call 911? | ||
| Okay, so if I hang up you're gonna be okay. | ||
| Uh oh my god. | ||
| You're gonna be fine if I hang up. | ||
| You love the doubtful world. | ||
| Okay, now if you have an emergency, you know you can call us. | ||
| I will do that. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Okay, bye-bye. | ||
| Well, I say alcohol plays a big part in a lot of 911 calls. | ||
| Yeah, you know what was getting to me during that one? | ||
| You could hear the other 911 operators cracking up in the background. | ||
| And they had to be cracking up only from hearing her side of the conversation. | ||
| Exactly, yeah, because they're on headphones, as you know, so there's no way that the other operators could have heard what he was saying. | ||
| But what she was saying was funny enough all by itself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| But yeah, I do like that, the background, you hear him laughing because she's saying, no, that's not a bad thing, but it is, you know. | ||
| But the guy was obviously very blitzed. | ||
| But he's going to New York, so that's an important thing. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Onward. | ||
| Please, give me that mace, number 16. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hello, is this the police? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's an emergency. | ||
| Not really a bad emergency, but let me talk to a policeman. | ||
| It's going to be one pretty soon. | ||
| What's the problem? | ||
| Can I talk to you? | ||
| Yes, what's the problem? | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I'm all excited. | ||
| My wife is invalid. | ||
| She goes back and forth through the house here, roaring, ranting, and raving, and she's threatening me with one of those CD things. | ||
| What do I do? | ||
| What do she do saying? | ||
| I don't know, one of those square things you do when somebody attacks you. | ||
| That's not for attack purposes, is it? | ||
| You know what I mean. | ||
| Whatever it is, in a little tube. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Isn't that for defense? | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Now, she has a nice to carry it. | ||
| What do I do to get rid of it? | ||
| Throw it away. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Just need a little dose of common sense. | ||
| It's like, how do I get rid of it? | ||
| Well, I can tell you a little story about police and mace. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And again, you've got to understand a cop's sense of humor. | ||
| I don't know if any of you out there have ever been maced. | ||
| I have. | ||
| Because it's the fun thing for the police to do. | ||
| They take a new dispatcher and they say, you should experience mace. | ||
| And they put a little bit on your finger and they say, here, put this in the corner of your eye. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| And you do that. | ||
| And then, of course, everybody has fun with you for about the next 30 minutes while you're trying to wash your eye out and hopping around and screaming. | ||
| It's rough stuff. | ||
| But I'll tell you what the Seaside police used to do. | ||
| We dispatched Seaside. | ||
| They would take, you know, we had motorcycle cops, and they would take mace and spray it on the inside of the glass plate of the motorcycle cop's helmet. | ||
| So he'd get out there, get on a cycle, slam the helmet down, and take off. | ||
| And let me tell you, let me tell you, you're blind. | ||
| When mace hits you, you are blind. | ||
| There are so many tears coming out of your eyes. | ||
| You're just blind. | ||
| So you can imagine what it's like to be tooling down and all of a sudden have the mace hit you. | ||
| They did that. | ||
| They really did that. | ||
| That's almost as bad as putting Nair in someone's jock strap. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| People can do the meanest things. | ||
| Like I said, I went through a lot of calls to get these, and there's some that I wish I had that are in the book, but I couldn't get them for the CD. | ||
| Like a man called and the operator said, 911, what's your emergency? | ||
| The man said, you've got to help me. | ||
| My wife's having a baby and her contractions are coming two minutes apart. | ||
| The operator said, calm down, sir. | ||
| Tell me, is this her first child? | ||
| He said, no, you idiot. | ||
| This is her husband. | ||
| Well, moments of stress. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Communications breakdown. | ||
| Like another one was a lady called and the operator said, 911, what's your emergency? | ||
| And the woman said, I heard some shots fired at the brown house on the corner. | ||
| And the operator said, ma'am, do you have an address? | ||
| And she said, no, I'm wearing a blouse of slack. | ||
| Yeah, well, under stress, really strange things do happen to normal people. | ||
| No question about it. | ||
| Speaking of stress, there was one gentleman called, and the operator said, 911, what's your fire or emergency? | ||
| He said, you've got to help me. | ||
| My marijuana plants are burning. | ||
| That must have been America's dumbest criminals. | ||
| No, this is it. | ||
| Well, he was after he got arrested because they dispatched the fire department. | ||
| And by the time the fire department got there, the fire had already been put out, but they found the man sitting in the kitchen in the dark playing his guitar. | ||
| So it's that whole secondary smoke thing. | ||
| It must be true. | ||
| Yeah, there must be something to it. | ||
| All right, here we go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't you ever hang up on me again. | |
| Ma'am, what's the problem? | ||
| You just hung up on me. | ||
| No, I didn't come to see you. | ||
| What's the problem? | ||
| Well, the one I was talking to, she hung up on me. | ||
| And I don't go for that. | ||
| Ma'am, she was answering number one's life and death emergency calls. | ||
| What's the emergency? | ||
| I bet. | ||
| You tell her not to ever hang up on me again. | ||
| I'm a citizen of the United States. | ||
| I have a right to complain. | ||
| And if you guys don't like it, they're going to get a complaint. | ||
| make sure you follow that up with the traffic division, okay? | ||
| What I like about that was the lady said, I have a right to complain, and if you don't like it, I'm going to file a complaint. | ||
| And so the operator says, okay, ma'am, but you'll have to take that up with the traffic division. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Which makes no sense whatsoever. | |
| Oh, well, at least, you know, and they really are in life and death. | ||
| And so a laugh every now and then is really important. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And, you know, as you know, I'm sure people can be very abusive. | ||
| And like this lady who said, you know, don't you ever, you know, et cetera, et cetera. | ||
| Don't you ever hang up on me. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's alcohol, I'm telling you. | ||
| Yeah, but the dispatchers still have to maintain this professional persona. | ||
| And even if they're being cursed at or yelled at, I've got some where they're, I mean, that I couldn't include, where they're just calling the operators every word imaginable. | ||
| I know. | ||
| And the operators have to be very detached and say, I understand. | ||
| Is there an emergency? | ||
| Do you need a paramedic? | ||
| When you know they want to just go. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| That's why I left, because I realized that my heart wouldn't stand it. | ||
| I just, after a year, and I actually got very proficient at it, but I realized that I would die early. | ||
| I absolutely would die early. | ||
| There was no way. | ||
| I kept taking it home with me. | ||
| I couldn't sleep at night. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| You know, the serious stuff that would happen, and then even the funny stuff that would happen. | ||
| All of it would, it was just really intense. | ||
| The whole job was so intense, I just, I gave up on it. | ||
| All right, well, my only scenario with that is that my wife and I fell on a hard time several years ago, and I took a temporary job as a telemarketer, and I lasted about three days. | ||
| Three days? | ||
| I just couldn't stand calling people. | ||
| Doing that to people. | ||
| And they're going, who the hell are you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Blah, blah, blah. | |
| And I was like, I don't want to do this anymore. | ||
| So I quit. | ||
| Telemarketers and conscious. | ||
| If you have any certain conscience at all, it'll just work on you. | ||
| It'll eat you alive. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Can't do that to people. | ||
| All right, here we go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm sorry. | |
| Well, how do you know you're dying? | ||
| I have a strange predetition about death. | ||
| Have you taken any medication today? | ||
| No. | ||
| And do you have any weapons on you? | ||
| Of course not. | ||
| Have you had anything to drink tonight? | ||
| No, never would I have a drink. | ||
| Okay, well, I'm going to send the police out, but I... | ||
| Finally, if there is around here, please. | ||
| Okay, sir. | ||
| Yeah, I'm going to send the police out, but I need to know: do you need an ambulance also? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You don't know? | ||
| The police are coming. | ||
| When shall they be here? | ||
| Yeah, a few minutes, but I need here. | ||
| You may speak with them. | ||
| I may speak with who? | ||
| The police. | ||
| I don't need to speak to the police, sir. | ||
| You do. | ||
| Okay, but I need to know, sir, you're saying that you're dying. | ||
| Okay, I need to know if you need an ambulance, and if so, they're going to have to. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Okay, sir. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| When I call the fire department, for them to send an ambulance. | ||
| You called the fire department? | ||
| Yeah, they're the ones who send the ambulance out. | ||
| They're going to need to know why. | ||
| So I need to tell them. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah, I can take away looking. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That would be nice. | ||
| Okay, are you in there alone? | ||
| Of course, of course. | ||
| Except for my three grandchildren. | ||
| Yeah, three cats. | ||
| Okay, you're the only human inside that room, is that correct? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And my cats are very dear to me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Of course it could be that my grandchildren. | ||
| Okay, where are your grandchildren at? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Why did you mention them, then? | ||
| Oh, because uh uh the cats are sort of constituted for four grandchildren. | ||
| Ah okay. | ||
| Is that where you live, sir, or do you live somewhere else? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I'm a man. | ||
| I live at the you do? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Where do your grandchildren live? | ||
| They're here with the they live with you at the course, of course. | ||
| It's in the bathroom. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Where are they at right now? | ||
| In the bathroom. | ||
| So they are there? | ||
| They are here. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Are you telling me that uh they weren't there only the cats were there? | ||
| The cats are my grandchildren. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| So you don't have any actual human grandchildren then? | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Are you married? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| Okay, well, what's going on, though? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm dying. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| But you don't know why you're dying? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Hark. | ||
| Hark. | ||
| Uh, would you scare me, please? | ||
| Sure, mate. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| Bay, call you back. | ||
| Why don't you just leave the phone line open? | ||
| Oh, of course. | ||
| oh Police are here. | ||
| Yeah, that's who you called, sir. | ||
| What? | ||
| That's who you called. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| Uh, the police are here. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They may not cross the threshold. | ||
| They may not cross the threshold. | ||
| They may not cross the threshold, though. | ||
| Well, sir, you called. | ||
| You said you were dying. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And you needed help. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's why I sent the police. | ||
| Oh, look, what? | ||
| Close the door as you leave. | ||
| Hello. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sir. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| Okay, what is it you'd like us to help you with? | ||
| You called 911. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| You said you were dying. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And so I sent you the police. | ||
| Is there something else I can help you with? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Uh set the police back. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Send the parabetic. | ||
| Okay, so you don't want the police then? | ||
| Oh, I do, I do, I do, I do. | ||
| Well, why don't you go step outside and talk to them then? | ||
| Oh, I will. | ||
| Oh, blindly. | ||
| Okay, go ahead. | ||
| 118285. | ||
| Coast 16105. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| We're at the top of the hour. | ||
| I'm presuming and hoping you can stay, right? | ||
| Leland, you can stay, right? | ||
| I would love that. | ||
| All right, good. | ||
| Staying, you are, then. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-oh. | |
| That was priceless. | ||
| I'm Art Bell. | ||
| We'll be right back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You got to think inside a wisdom that's pouring me down. | |
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Nothing but a heart is never ending. | ||
| Nothing but a heart is never ending. | ||
| I'm on the way. | ||
| But nothing that I got me over. | ||
| And I can heal the heart. | ||
| And you never think. | ||
| I'm on the way. | ||
| I just can't win, yeah. | ||
| He's like the old one. | ||
| Can I get him? | ||
| I got a lot of those heartaches. | ||
| I got a lot of those key and drums. | ||
| Heartaches, key and drums. | ||
| All of the way. | ||
| Nothing but a heartache ever to say. | ||
| Wanna take a ride? | ||
| Well, call our bell from west of the Rockies at 1-800-618-8255. | ||
| East of the Rockies at 1-800-825-5033. | ||
| First time callers may recharge at 1-775-727-1222. | ||
| The wildcard line is open at 1-775-727-1295. | ||
| And to recharge on the toll-free international line, call your AT ⁇ T operator and have them dial 800-893-0903. | ||
| This is Coast to Coast AM with Arpelle on the Premier Radio Network. | ||
| You know, boy, these girls can belt out a song, can't they? | ||
| They're the Flirtations, and it wasn't really heard all that much in America. | ||
| And I sort of latched onto it. | ||
| I said, man, I really like this song. | ||
| They're from Britain, Great Britain, and all the way to Great Britain, the word got out that I was running this as bumper music, and the Flirtations contacted me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've got photographs. | |
| I've got an original 45 RPM record. | ||
| And believe it or not, they're still together. | ||
| They just really felled out. | ||
| Anyway, we'll get back to Leland Gregory and wacky 911 stuff in just a moment. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Once again, back to Leland Gregory. | ||
| There is one thing on my webcam tonight. | ||
| See if you can decide what kind of powerful weapon I'm holding in my hand. | ||
| And listen, this fellow has been so nice. | ||
| Leland has been so nice in sharing all of this with us. | ||
| Obviously, we're not going to get all the way through the CD unless we really hurry. | ||
| But the CD is for sale. | ||
| The book is for sale. | ||
| Both are incredibly reasonable. | ||
| There's an 800 number to call, and I can't imagine you wouldn't want to have one of these. | ||
| Simple as that. | ||
| So I'm sure he's going to sell a million. | ||
| The 800 number is 1-866-754-8273. | ||
| That's 866-754-8273. | ||
| Do you know if that's open at night? | ||
| It's open. | ||
| Operators are standing by. | ||
| Are they really right now? | ||
| Sleepy operators. | ||
| Yeah, you'll sell bleep. | ||
| Well, they're not going to be sleepy tonight. | ||
| Good. | ||
| They're going to be humming, that's for sure. | ||
| Good deal. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Let us proceed. | ||
| And let's see. | ||
| Where are we? | ||
| We did number 18. | ||
| Number 19 is quick and cute, and it's indicative of a big problem with 911. | ||
| That is cell phone abuse. | ||
| Almost everybody has a cell phone now. | ||
| Yeah, I know they're all abusive as far as I'm. | ||
| They're a pain in the butt. | ||
| But a lot of cell phones were programmed to have one-button speed dial to dial 911. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| And if you don't activate the key guard on your phone and you are... | ||
| And he kept jumping up and down celebrating the victory of his team. | ||
| And every time he sat down, his butt dialed 911. | ||
| And the only thing the operators could hear was the game. | ||
| Now, that sounds kind of fun, but the problem is not only do the operators have to take the call, but they're required that if there's no response, as you know, they have to call the number back. | ||
| So not only do they waste their time receiving a call from a cell phone that someone hasn't deactivated, they also have to spend the time calling that number back to make sure that there's not an actual emergency situation. | ||
| Well, being a talk show host, I hate cell phones. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because as far as I'm concerned, digital cell phones are a step backward for mankind, not forward. | ||
| They sound horrible. | ||
| And I'll tell you a little story. | ||
| I had a friend in a very large corporation who went into a very critical board meeting. | ||
| I'm not going to name this friend. | ||
| He may know who he is. | ||
| And for some idiotic reason, during the critical juncture of this board meeting, my phone rang, and I sat there and I listened to the balance of this meeting that I wasn't supposed to hear. | ||
| Oh, great. | ||
| No kidding. | ||
| So you're absolutely right about inadvertent dials. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Well, here it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hello? | |
| Yes, this is my mum. | ||
| We just got a hang-up call from this cell phone. | ||
| Is there an emergency there? | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| It must have been hit when the dog stepped on it. | ||
| Okay, watch the phone. | ||
| Say. | ||
| The dog stepped on it. | ||
| The dog stepped on it, right? | ||
| And people have, we've got to, I actually have an entire tape of callbacks where the operator would call back and the person say, you know, no, I didn't call 911. | ||
| It must have happened when I hit the brakes and the phone hit the floor. | ||
| And then a lot of people start getting very mean about it. | ||
| No, I didn't call 911. | ||
| Why would I call 911? | ||
| Well, your phone called us. | ||
| No, it didn't. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| It's in my back pocket. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Like, yeah, did you activate the key card? | ||
| Don't know how to do that. | ||
| Read the manual, you know? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But it's a major problem. | ||
| And the other problem with cell phones is that, as I said, everyone has one. | ||
| So say you're driving down the interstate and you see a fender bender on the side of the road. | ||
| You think, well, I'll do my civic duty and call 911. | ||
| Well, 500 other people who have just driven by that same accident are doing the same thing. | ||
| Do you know the same thing applies to UFOs? | ||
| How's that? | ||
| I mean, when there are UFO sightings? | ||
| That everyone calls them? | ||
| Well, sure. | ||
| I mean, for example, a craft moved over the city of Phoenix some years ago, and everybody picked up their telephones. | ||
| Everybody picked up their telephones. | ||
| And you called 911? | ||
| Yeah, actually, yes. | ||
| They handle a lot of calls like that. | ||
| UFOs, that's all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Actually, I've heard some. | ||
| There was one where a lady's at her bathroom window smoking a cigarette and she saw a low-flying aircraft. | ||
| So she called in to report a UFO, and they said, you know, there's no one. | ||
| The operator was very nice. | ||
| She said, well, it's not that I think that you're lying, ma'am, but no one else in the entire city has called. | ||
| She said, are you calling me a liar? | ||
| Do you think I'm calling you for, because, you know, she said, could it be an air balloon? | ||
| She said, no, ma'am, you're not over a flight path. | ||
| No one else called, you know. | ||
| But yeah, I've actually got some. | ||
| There was one on here where it's called Ride the UFO. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's not about an actual UFO. | ||
| It's about a guy who wants to be picked up by an alien. | ||
| He wants to be. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| He's a little nutty. | ||
| All right, let me... | ||
| Sure, track 28. | ||
| All right, here it comes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, Mommy Mercene. | |
| This is Elijah. | ||
| What? | ||
| Elijah. | ||
| You know Elijah? | ||
| No, I don't. | ||
| Well, they know me down at the police station. | ||
| Who does that keep beeping like that? | ||
| It's on a recording. | ||
| Oh, hey, a recording. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| You know, I'll be recording? | ||
| Yes, sir. | ||
| Hey, that's great. | ||
| I want everybody to hear about me. | ||
| Pretty soon I'll be real famous. | ||
| That's the truth. | ||
| I'm going to do something soon. | ||
| God's going to take me this way. | ||
| A spaceship. | ||
| U.S.O., you better believe it. | ||
| They're everywhere. | ||
| Everybody's seen. | ||
| Millions of people have seen them all around the world. | ||
| Well, that's great. | ||
| And God bless the police officers and the scientists and the ordinary people that talk about these U.S. Oscars because they do it. | ||
| And I know all about it. | ||
| I'm going to follow you. | ||
| I'm the number one scientist on this planet. | ||
| I'm going to start with you. | ||
| I'm a scientist. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Now you hear it, Robert Einstein? | ||
| No, but I'm going to have to go. | ||
| I got other information. | ||
| I can explain it to you. | ||
| It's coming with relativity. | ||
| Well, I don't have time to hear Einstein's. | ||
| But it's very simple. | ||
| He doesn't do any C-square. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Okay, well, interesting aside, coming to second data. | ||
| So an engine type you're worthy. | ||
| I tell you, if it's two and I'm a few, there's very few people in the world that have stood him. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| I'm an engineer. | ||
| I'm an electrician, a plumber, anything. | ||
| I can do anything. | ||
| Well, that's one thing. | ||
| One more state of entertainment. | ||
| I'm worth about $50 million a year. | ||
| He likes it. | ||
| I got to go anyway. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| God bless you. | ||
| Bye-bye. | ||
| Bye-bye. | ||
| God bless her is right. | ||
| Yeah, what a tolerant lady. | ||
| Very, like, Einstein's a Jew and I'm a Jew, and no one understood him. | ||
| I've got something here that you're going to love. | ||
| I'm able to take messages from the internet as we go through the program. | ||
| Bob from Can't Tell You New York says, where can us 911 operators and police dispatchers send our favorite calls? | ||
| Oh, I love you, Bob. | ||
| If they go to the website at wacky911.com, at the very bottom is a link that is my direct email. | ||
| And if they email me, then I will give them all the information. | ||
| I'd rather not give up my home address over the phone. | ||
| No, I don't recommend that. | ||
| But if they go to the wacky911.com, at the very bottom, it says, for press information, Leland at wacky911.com, click on that. | ||
| It's a direct email to me. | ||
| And I would be glad to take your stories. | ||
| I just put together a sequel to the book called What's the Number for 911 Again? | ||
| And it is going to be released September 11th of this year, which, of course, September 11th is 911. | ||
| And it's National 911 Day proposed and put into law by President Ronald Reagan. | ||
| Great date. | ||
| So it's a great date. | ||
| It's a great publicity date. | ||
| And so I'm still looking for new audio. | ||
| We're thinking about putting together a sequel to the CD, but the CD has only been out like a month and a half. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Why put out a new one now? | ||
| I know, but why not start collecting now? | ||
| Oh, I am collecting. | ||
| And Bob, if you hear me. | ||
| Now, in this computer day and age, you can send a WAV file that is completely legible. | ||
| Do you accept them in that? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| If you put it in a WAV file, it's 16-bit or 32-bit or an MT3 file. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Yeah, but still, if you've got it on a cassette tape, I'll take it too. | ||
| I'm up to my aching gut, shall I? | ||
| Aching nut. | ||
| Depends on your show. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| Why don't we skip on to 24? | ||
| Blonde Naked Lady Stolen. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Yeah, that's not gut. | ||
| That's definitely not. | ||
| Yeah, you want to skip the next three. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I see. | |
| All right. | ||
| Yes, I had a blonde woman, nude, in a white Missouri suit, and somebody stole her. | ||
| Somebody would have gone to her and took her. | ||
| She's a blonde and she was a... | ||
| Just about five minutes ago. | ||
| Okay, so you like a family member? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| How old is this person? | ||
| She's 45. | ||
| And who took her? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Who took her? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| She was in her car by herself or with someone else? | ||
| I wasn't with her. | ||
| How isn't she going to come back? | ||
| Somebody stole her. | ||
| What do you mean someone stole her, sir? | ||
| Somebody robbed her. | ||
| Took her. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Go on. | ||
| Is this a 40-year-old lady who lives with you? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| She's 40-year-old and who's both a little bit. | ||
| Now, was she in the car by herself or was she stolen? | ||
| By herself. | ||
| And how was she stolen? | ||
| What? | ||
| How is she stolen if she's riding in the car by herself? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Who is I armed robbery, I guess. | ||
| I'm sorry? | ||
| Armed robbery. | ||
| Armed robbery? | ||
| Yeah, armed robbery, I bet. | ||
| Did she steal something from you? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Did she steal something from you? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So what's missing is the lady? | ||
| The lady and her car. | ||
| And her car? | ||
| Yeah, and her car. | ||
| Mr. Lucy. | ||
| Got life. | ||
| Okay, sir. | ||
| Have you been drinking anything? | ||
| Yes, I have. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| What I'm getting from your story is that you're telling me that this lady was stolen? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay, sir, that's really not possible. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| She's driving in the car by herself and no one took her. | ||
| Okay, she's sneaking out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Bye-bye. | ||
| Bye. | ||
| My favorite line on that one is, sir, have you been drinking? | ||
| Yes, I have. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, I have. | |
| Well, Lindsay was honest. | ||
| And it explains the whole thing. | ||
| It's what I like about it. | ||
| In other words, did he have a hooker there and someone stole his naked lady? | ||
| No, I think what happened is he was out on a date and she drove away. | ||
| She just drove away in her car. | ||
| Now, whether she was naked or not, I don't know. | ||
| But I just like, oh, because he goes, oh, she's sneaking out on me is what he says. | ||
| So she just apparently just left him and drove away, and he thought someone stole her. | ||
| So there again, as we know, alcohol plays a big part in 911 calls, but I just love the honesty. | ||
| Sir, have you been drinking? | ||
| Yes, I have. | ||
| You know, people are sometimes remarkably honest. | ||
| I watch cops a lot. | ||
| I watch a lot of reality TV. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| And they're remarkably honest sometimes. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And sometimes they absolutely, not a drop, officer. | ||
| And you can see the fumes coming out of the mouth. | ||
| Yeah, what I like is sometimes they're honest because they don't know any better. | ||
| There was one episode of COPS, and I know the people that do the show because I did America's Done with Criminals, and so it's that same kind of family of stupidity. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're old, of course, yes. | |
| But there was one great scene from COPS where they pull this guy over, and of course he doesn't have a shirt on because you're not allowed to wear a shirt if you're a criminal, apparently. | ||
| And during the whole interview, he's got this rolled joint sticking out behind his ear. | ||
| Oh, I saw that one. | ||
| Isn't that beautiful? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And the cop is being so cool. | |
| No, no, I'm not stoned. | ||
| No, don't worry about it. | ||
| You haven't smoked anyone tonight? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Oh, no, no. | ||
| I don't touch that stuff, and all the time it's behind his ear, and the cop is being so cool about it all. | ||
| And then they just play, oh, so what's this behind your ear? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, you know, it's like, I got busted. | |
| There's also one which you may have seen where they have this guy, and he's obviously drunk as a skunk, but he's laughing. | ||
| He's the best-humored drunk you ever saw in your life, and he's trying to touch his nose, and he's falling backwards. | ||
| He falls down, yeah. | ||
| Oh, God, that's funny. | ||
| Very funny stuff. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Onward to. | ||
| Yeah, go ahead. | ||
| I'm crazy. | ||
| I can play I'm crazy. | ||
| Yes, you are. | ||
| You warn me off now if I get to one that. | ||
| Oh, believe me, I will. | ||
| You know, like the gut one. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Emergency life. | |
| Hello, emergency police department. | ||
| I have someone out here that's going crazy, and they need to be taken away because they can't drive themselves to the hospital. | ||
| They can't drive themselves to the hospital. | ||
| Right. | ||
| What kind of hospital? | ||
| Mental hospital? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Can you drive him to the hospital? | ||
| No. | ||
| Is it a friend or relative? | ||
| No, it'll me, and my parents won't take me. | ||
| It's what it is. | ||
| Well, call a taxi. | ||
| No, they have an emergency. | ||
| This is an emergency. | ||
| They have an emergency takeaway service. | ||
| Every city has an emergency takeaway service, miss. | ||
| Not this city. | ||
| Fine, thank you. | ||
| You're welcome. | ||
| 725, CO6, 105 North Avenue, 52. | ||
| Do you want Friday? | ||
| That's right. | ||
| So really, it's been a lot of fun putting this stuff together. | ||
| And particularly, especially, like I said, with the attitudes of the 911 dispatchers, like the guy that just emailed you saying, hey, you know, where can I send the tapes? | ||
| I've got stuff. | ||
| Where do I send it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, exactly. | |
| I mean, what a great attitude is that. | ||
| It's like, I think everyone understands that I'm certainly not out to insult the intelligence of the 911 operators. | ||
| It's a group of people that I respect very highly. | ||
| I wonder how many people, Leland, are out there this morning who listen to my program, and we have a big, big listenership, who are hearing themselves. | ||
| You ever wonder about that? | ||
| Well, see, there's the educational component that we were talking about. | ||
| It sounds like it's beneficial, but we don't know why. | ||
| Hopefully they will hear themselves and go, you know, maybe next time I cut my foot on a beer bottle, I won't call 911 or, you know, things like that. | ||
| I mean, because everyone makes mistakes. | ||
| I mean, we're all fallible. | ||
| And I wonder how many people out there this morning have made their own kind of silly calls to 911 and wondering if they're going to hear themselves. | ||
| Well, that's actually a very good point, and one that I would like to stress here is we're not encouraging people in any way, shape, or form to call 911 or try to get on the CD. | ||
| Lord, no. | ||
| No. | ||
| And especially, and here's the good thing, is that most cities now have, as you know, E911, which is enhanced 911. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So as soon as you place the call, they know where you are. | ||
| They know where that call is coming from. | ||
| So if you place a prank call trying to get on the next CD, you will be caught. | ||
| And you will go to jail. | ||
| And you will go to jail. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Because it is illegal to call 911. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Besides, it would not be on Naturel. | ||
| It would be all faked. | ||
| And who even knows if you would make it to the CD even after you got out of jail? | ||
| Right. | ||
| So just don't, the 911 systems are clogged as they are. | ||
| I'm not encouraging anyone to make stupid phone calls. | ||
| If you do decide that you're going to be oh-so clever and make a stupid phone call, the next sound you hear will be a policeman knocking on your door. | ||
| Well, actually, we heard that a few moments ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| But they shall not cross the threshold. | ||
| Yeah, I love that. | ||
| Look eloquent, man. | ||
| You know, some of these guys you've had on tonight sound like the Antichrist calls I've had. | ||
| Cland, hold on. | ||
| We'll be right back. | ||
| Leland Gregory is my guest. | ||
| Wacky911 is the subject. | ||
| I'm RPL. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is Coast to Coast A.M. Tonight, | |
| tonight, we're going to make it happen. | ||
| Tonight, we'll put all of our things aside. | ||
| Give in this time and show me some affection. | ||
| We're going for most pleasures in night. | ||
| Tomorrow night, everybody, I want to be loving. | ||
| A mad scientist line and open lines in general. | ||
| So, whatever you want to call it, Wacky Friday. | ||
| We'll do it tomorrow night. | ||
| you be here Now, if you've ever seen these girls on stage, I want to put it this way. | ||
| If you haven't, you get near my town near Las Vegas, just over the hill there, and you see the Pointer Sisters on stage. | ||
| You stop in Las Vegas and you see that show because you've never seen anything like it in your life. | ||
| Yes, I know. | ||
| There was one more commercial there than there should have been. | ||
| Well, that's because of the break that I blew earlier, but I am now even with the commercial world. | ||
| It's like having your credit card paid off. | ||
| All right, Leland, Gregory, once again, two things that people have sent here that I want to ask you about. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| You could keep going with this forever. | ||
| I can see that. | ||
| Lauren, in Cleveland, Mississippi, any chance your guest would do a CD of dumb callers to radio stations? | ||
| Us DJs would love it. | ||
| I have actually had that request by several DJs saying, you wouldn't believe the dumb calls that we've gotten. | ||
| And I thought, well, there's an idea. | ||
| Boy, hey, listen, I could give you a CD and a half myself. | ||
| Well, cool. | ||
| Well, I'll stay on the line after this. | ||
| Mike in Fort Hood, Texas says, Fort Hood, you know it, excellent program. | ||
| Are you interested in some Army, in really dumb Army radio traffic? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That would be great. | ||
| You could be doing this the rest of your life. | ||
| Well, I can't think of a better way to have a good life than laughing my spleen out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you're right. | |
| All right, let me just silence you one moment and do this for you because I know there are going to be endless requests for this. | ||
| If you want to buy the CD you're hearing right now, and of course, there are a few cuts on the CD you're not going to hear, and we're never going to get through it all. | ||
| But if you want to buy the CD, and I can imagine you would, or you want to buy the book, what's the number for 911? | ||
| Here's how to get it. | ||
| Call one. | ||
| You can even do it right now. | ||
| 1-866-754-8273. | ||
| When somebody shares their work with us to this extent, they deserve a real good plug, and that's what he's getting. | ||
| It's 1-866-754-8273, and you can even call right now. | ||
| There you are, Leland. | ||
| I appreciate it. | ||
| And also, if they want to just order from the website at wacky911.com, you can go there, place your orders for the books and the CD. | ||
| Now, the toll-free number, you can only get the CD at the toll-free number. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| But through the website, you can get the CD and the book. | ||
| But I still know there's a lot of people who feel uncomfortable ordering over the Internet. | ||
| There are, although that is slowly changing. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| And I mean, we're on a secured server. | ||
| I order on the Internet. | ||
| I do it. | ||
| I order on the Internet. | ||
| Well, I do, too. | ||
| Amazon.com. | ||
| I order all the time from them. | ||
| I know. | ||
| And by the year 2525, like the song says, our arms are going to be hanging slack at our side. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| We're going to be able to just... | ||
| That's right. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Let's see. | ||
| Where are we here? | ||
| Warn me now. | ||
| A proper stolen car. | ||
| That's a fine one. | ||
| It is. | ||
| That's an irate caller who doesn't have a clue. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right, here it is. | |
| That's where I call. | ||
| Okay, this is your car. | ||
| You're literally there. | ||
| Cardinal? | ||
| This is the correct number. | ||
| All right, you're in charge. | ||
| You're going to result in this. | ||
| Do you want to report your car stolen? | ||
| Okay, do you have any idea who took your car or when you saw it? | ||
| I have a strong suspicion on that point. | ||
| Okay, when was the last time you saw your car? | ||
| About a week ago, perhaps today. | ||
| You don't want to say anybody? | ||
| Does anybody else have keys to it? | ||
| No. | ||
| He's a guest set of keys, but I haven't. | ||
| And who did you think has it? | ||
| Because I loaned it to him for an eating and he hasn't yet returned it. | ||
| Okay, so you don't want to report it stolen. | ||
| You want to report your friend not returning it yet, correct? | ||
| I want the car. | ||
| As far as I am concerned, it is stolen. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| Because he didn't have my permission to keep it for a week. | ||
| No, but you gave him permission to use it, so he didn't steal it. | ||
| There's a difference in stealing it and stealing. | ||
| True, this is true. | ||
| What is the difference? | ||
| He didn't steal it. | ||
| You gave it to him. | ||
| You gave it to him later. | ||
| Honey, no, you're misinterpreting. | ||
| I gave it to him for any. | ||
| Okay, but you're misinterpreting the word steal. | ||
| He did not steal it. | ||
| All right, I think if he wouldn't want it. | ||
| He did not keep his end of the bargain. | ||
| This is true. | ||
| True. | ||
| But he did not steal the car. | ||
| He is keeping it past his deadline, and he does need to give it back to you. | ||
| All right, now where do we go? | ||
| I need for you to call the auto theft detective tomorrow. | ||
| Hold on, hold on. | ||
| Got it. | ||
| Alrighty, what is it? | ||
| Tomorrow morning, call who? | ||
| The auto theft detective. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In other words, there's nothing that can do until the morning. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Thank you so much. | ||
| You're very welcome. | ||
| You're very welcome, too. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| You're very welcome, too. | ||
| Well, I've got to tell you, Art, thank you so much for this because I just got an email. | ||
| I was checking my email, too. | ||
| I got an email from the original dispatcher who took the Joe versus the Deer call. | ||
| No. | ||
| He just said, I am the man. | ||
| You can call me anytime if you want all the details. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| Thank you so much. | ||
| You really have found him? | ||
| He has found me through you. | ||
| Oh, he's found you, yes. | ||
| Yeah, found me. | ||
| He said, I'm the dispatcher, so I'll call him. | ||
| I told you we've got to reach. | ||
| I'm telling you, baby, it's beautiful. | ||
| Yep, it's a cool thing because I've been trying very hard to find, I mean, because the call took place at least 15 years ago. | ||
| So tracking down a 1911 call that took place 15 years ago that's gained such mythical proportions as this, that everyone wants to lay claim to the call to actually find the original dispatcher. | ||
| I think that sounds cool. | ||
| Now, I'm still thinking I'd like to interview Joe. | ||
| And, you know, actually, you could do it. | ||
| You would have to tape it first. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Well, I got another email saying, I think I know who Joe is. | ||
| So that's... | ||
| This seems like it's productive. | ||
| Okay, well, it's at the website at wacky911.com. | ||
| You can go down to the bottom, and my website is right there. | ||
| You just click on it. | ||
| I mean, my email. | ||
| If you want to do it direct, it's stupidandum911 at aol.com. | ||
| Stupidandum911. | ||
| All one word, not the ampersand, but the word and. | ||
| Stupidandum911 at aol.com. | ||
| And also I've gotten a couple other emails from people saying, you know, I've got military, army dispatch stuff. | ||
| Do you want that? | ||
| Are you interested in that? | ||
| So maybe my next CD will be just stupid things and not anything in specific. | ||
| Yes, stupidity is worldwide. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's no limit to stupidity. | ||
| It's in every area of life. | ||
| American life, German life, French life. | ||
| It's just. | ||
| Stupidity knows no bounds. | ||
| No bounds. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Here we go again. | ||
| Boastful robber. | ||
| Can I do that? | ||
| Yes, you can. | ||
| Boastful robber. | ||
| Somebody would boast about robbing someone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you? | |
| Yes, can I have the officer in charge, please? | ||
| Okay, there aren't any deputies in here. | ||
| What we'd have to do is take a name and a message or a number and have one of the sergeants call you. | ||
| They're on the road. | ||
| This is a communications building. | ||
| Okay, I just I'm the guy that robs all your stores in Lakeland. | ||
| I was just letting you guys know that you ain't never going to catch me, you stupid funk. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| You got to kind of sound like Barney Fife. | ||
| Yeah, I'm the guy that's robbing all your stores here in Lakeland. | ||
| But you know, I understand there are quite a few criminals who actually do that. | ||
| Right, and there are actually quite a few criminals who have been caught doing that. | ||
| I'm putting together, like I said, the sequel to my book, What's the Number for 911, and I've got a call where a guy was wanted by the police. | ||
| He's hiding out with his wife in Wisconsin, and he decides to call 911 to see if there are any outstanding warrants against him in the city. | ||
| And they trace the call and they arrest him. | ||
| Trying to determine how much trouble he's in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| It's amazing. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| Let's see. | ||
| 31 would be fun. | ||
| What day is it? | ||
| That's another example of the stupid kind of questions 911 operators get. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
911 emergency. | |
| Yes, I know the day in DT. | ||
| Sorry, you what? | ||
| The day in DT. | ||
| Okay, do you have an emergency? | ||
| Yes, I know the DND. | ||
| Come on, Ma'am. | ||
| Don't talk about any prison. | ||
| You just want to know what the day is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, today's Saturday. | ||
| And it's the 23rd? | ||
| 23rd. | ||
| Okay, thank you, ma'am. | ||
| Yeah, you're with you. | ||
| You're so welcome. | ||
| Goodbye. | ||
| Bye-bye. | ||
| What day is it? | ||
| Well, you know, somehow they go ahead and they give it. | ||
| I mean, the 911, I don't think I would have been that patient at all. | ||
| Not at all. | ||
| I have a feeling that they've run across so many people that if you just don't give them the information and get rid of them, if you say, well, I can't do that, well, why not? | ||
| Because I'm not allowed to give out, you know, this is non-emergency. | ||
| But I'm a taxpayer, you know, and they would probably keep you on the phone a lot longer arguing with you if you didn't just say, okay, it's 12.15, it's Tuesday the 23rd. | ||
| It's a point. | ||
| Okay, but it's a good point. | ||
| But there's another reason I couldn't keep you. | ||
| I've got too much of a temper. | ||
| I'd have hung up. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And then they'd have wasted your time by calling back again. | ||
| You'd have called him at 3 in the morning, but I know who you are. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I think all 911 operators probably have shorter lifespans. | ||
| I don't know if they've done any stats on this. | ||
| Probably insurance companies have. | ||
| Yeah, I bet they would have a higher turnover rate just because of the stress of the job. | ||
| I mean, it's constant. | ||
| and I know you've been in lots of 911 centers, but the ones I've been into are usually like in a basement with very few windows or anything. | ||
| And that you just sit there in front of a monitor with a headphone on taking calls all day. | ||
| You know, I was in the bowels of a courthouse. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know why they put the dispatches in a hole. | ||
| I guess that way they can't escape. | ||
| Or if they do go crazy, there's not much damage they can do. | ||
| Well, you know, sometimes they do. | ||
| And that's no joke. | ||
| They go crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, I wouldn't doubt it. | ||
| Sure, they lose it. | ||
| I mean, if postal workers are allowed to go insane. | ||
| Air traffic controllers. | ||
| They take over the edge, too. | ||
| And it's stuff like this that, you know, the straw that broke the camel's back. | ||
| Exactly, yeah. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Let's see. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where are we at? | |
| Where are we here? | ||
| We were at. | ||
| See, there's a cute one. | ||
| See, we're kind of running out of. | ||
| Escaped cow is kind of fun. | ||
| That's about five or six dispatchers, several police officers chasing a black Angus cow through the streets. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There we go. | |
| Hi. | ||
| Cow cow? | ||
| Yeah, the guy before I didn't really believe me, but I just saw a cow in the street. | ||
| I'm 10 chicks. | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| No, I'm totally believing you. | ||
| I just think it's kind of funny. | ||
| Where's it at? | ||
| Was it right in the middle of the street? | ||
| It was on the opposite side of the street, but it was in the street. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| We won't check on this. | ||
| This big black cow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I couldn't see it, but at first I thought it was a person in the middle of the street just crossing it. | |
| But then I looked again and had four legs and it was a multiple corners or. | ||
| We will go check on it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Thanks. | ||
| Bye. | ||
| Bye. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Good going. | ||
| You didn't believe him. | ||
| No, I didn't believe him. | ||
| Is there any place in the city that has cows? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't know. | |
| Okay. | ||
| Bye. | ||
| Bye. | ||
| 63 Alpha 905 Stray at the Spell in Cedar. | ||
| A large black cow in the street. | ||
| The RP is at 13192 Cedars. | ||
| Click Julie. | ||
| We found the cow. | ||
| The cow is running southbound toward the spell. | ||
| We have the rope and a harness on the back of the truck. | ||
| If the horse comes to worse, they can go get it. | ||
| Can you ride it back to the station? | ||
| It just walked into a festive front yard, so it's now. | ||
| Climb out the cow pump the fans is westbound, but still toward go to westbound. | ||
| Wait, Cabral. | ||
| 40, Cabral. | ||
| Stay off and running. | ||
| Westbound, eastbound, stay home. | ||
| Maybe if somebody huns a scene to Rawhide, it'll stop. | ||
| It's a funny come over and trying to catch it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can't really set up a perimeter because it's big charges at you, so it's kind of hard to stop it. | |
| 40 Cabo, can you ask the owner if it is a meat cow or a milk cow? | ||
| A what cow? | ||
| 56 for info. | ||
| It just runs around our cars, so it's kind of hard to try to keep it contained, as you guys can see. | ||
| 41, Charlie, the 41 now, he just ran over our car. | ||
| 41, we got him in the front yard down at the gate on Chestnut 13, 731. | ||
| We'll found the owner, and they'll be over to collective crime. | ||
| God, that was great. | ||
| You could hear the cops who were actually in pursuit of the cow beginning to lose their temper. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, really. | |
| It's like, yeah, you think it's so funny, you catch it. | ||
| That's right, you come over here and try it. | ||
| Hum rawhide. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I like the second one's my favorite. | ||
| 9-1-1. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Moo. | |
| Here I am again. | ||
| Oh, Lord. | ||
| These are great. | ||
| Let's see. | ||
| Let's see. | ||
| Double-cross wires. | ||
| Yeah, we can get away with that one. | ||
| It's pretty censored. | ||
| All right. | ||
| I like the way you're deciding for me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| My career is in your hands. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| They're all censored. | ||
| They're all safe for airplay. | ||
| And this one doesn't have any kind of bad situation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just unique. | |
| Yeah, no problem. | ||
| My central station alarm company called you 35 minutes ago. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| And I called 20 minutes ago. | ||
| And my partner got down to our store 10 minutes after the alarm was called in, and no police has shown up, even though he did discover it was a false alarm. | ||
| Your alarm. | ||
| I think you bought it. | ||
| F ⁇ your alarm. | ||
| Who's this? | ||
| This is the police department. | ||
| Check your alarm. | ||
| Hey. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I don't know who that was. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I was just as surprised as you. | ||
| Wow, that was really strange. | ||
| I don't know where that came from. | ||
| This is right. | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
| You should have went on on the phone. | ||
| Somebody said it on the line with a s ⁇ . | ||
| That's bizarre. | ||
| It sure is. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You have that on tape, I assume. | ||
| Yes, it is on tape. | ||
| What if I can retrace it? | ||
| I got it too short. | ||
| You're a punk, you check your own fucking alarm. | ||
| Don't be wasting the taxpayers' money. | ||
| You want to take it on me? | ||
| What the hell do you want, man? | ||
| Go kiss my ass, you punk. | ||
| Hey, tell me who you are. | ||
| We'll take your own alarm. | ||
| Hey, you're right, man. | ||
| Taxpayers' money up the ass. | ||
| Go check your own f ⁇ ing. | ||
| Check your own security guard over there and check your own fucking business. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| I'll take you on. | ||
| What's your name? | ||
| Who's this? | ||
| Hello? | ||
| Hello? | ||
| This is the police department. | ||
| Wow, hello. | ||
| Yeah, what can I do for him? | ||
| I was just speaking to a lady. | ||
| Yeah, I'm still here. | ||
| This other guy comes On the phone and saying all this stuff and saying he's the police department. | ||
| Oh, well, no, he's not. | ||
| We are. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| I don't know where that's coming from. | ||
| She is, too. | ||
| Yeah, she's with the police department, too, sir. | ||
| Well, what's on the wise? | ||
| We can't tell you. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| This is really strange. | ||
| Yeah, well, why's that cross or something, huh? | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Well, my central station called in an alarm 35 minutes ago, now 40 minutes ago. | ||
| My partner got down there 10 minutes later. | ||
| No police have showed up. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| He did discover that it was a serious alarm, but, you know, if it was the real thing, I'm kind of worried. | ||
| Can you hang on this yellow gentleman for a year a little bit? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Boy, is that strange. | ||
| Yeah, it really is strange. | ||
| I don't know what the cause of that is. | ||
| Well, I... | ||
| Yeah, but. | ||
| Jeez. | ||
| Okay, let me check for the call. | ||
| Right, if my partner did discover, definitely it is a false alarm, but I'm kind of worried why nobody was rolled on it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That sounds unusual, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is that him on there again? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Police department? | ||
| Boy, this line must be really close. | ||
| It must be. | ||
| Is it not the police department? | ||
| This is the police department. | ||
| I have 14 new units, and one of my tenants just called there's a mat outside her window. | ||
| Okay, we'll send somebody out. | ||
| I've had a hip-hop race, and I can't go down. | ||
| I'm in bed. | ||
| Okay, you stay where you are. | ||
| I'll send the police out. | ||
| I'd appreciate it, that's right now, dear. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Are you still there, sir? | ||
| I sure am. | ||
| I don't know what to tell you. | ||
| Hey, we'll all go to TP tomorrow, raise your health. | ||
| I guess so. | ||
| They said it's possibly a bad alarm. | ||
| Right, they just finished this story that today is about our thoughts. | ||
| I fucking your alarm, you old ass f ⁇ ing. | ||
| F ⁇ you alarm. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Well, I wish you a lot of luck. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Thanks very much for the help. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Take care, Dick. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| Bye-bye. | ||
| Bye. | ||
| F ⁇ your alarm. | ||
| Well, I wish you a lot of luck. | ||
| I wish him a lot of luck. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| All right, listen, I have one last hour of the program, which I can devote either to open lines or I can give it to you because you've earned it. | ||
| Your choice. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Want to get some sleep? | ||
| Want to keep going? | ||
| Up to you. | ||
| Oh, I'll keep going. | ||
| You'll keep going. | ||
| All right, then so will I. We're running out of tracks, but I can't story. | ||
| We got tracks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| We got tracks. | ||
| At least I hope we do. | ||
| Maybe we can't play some of these. | ||
| We're going to break here at the top of the hour. | ||
| Be right back with Leland Gregory. | ||
| I'm Art Bell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is Coast to Coast A.M. You talk too much, you worry me to death. | |
| You talk too much, you even worry about death. | ||
| Just talk. | ||
| Talk too much. | ||
| You talk about people that you don't know. | ||
| You talk about people wherever you go. | ||
| Just talk. | ||
| Talk to myself. | ||
| You talk about people that you've never seen. | ||
| You talk about people who get big mysteries. | ||
| Just talk, talk too much. | ||
| To recharge Bell in the Kingdom of Thai. | ||
| From west of the Rockies, dial 1-800-618-8255. | ||
| East of the Rockies, 1-800-825-5033. | ||
| First-time callers may recharge at 1-775-727-1222. | ||
| Or use the wildcard line at 1-775-727-1295. | ||
| To rechart on the toll-free international line, call your AT ⁇ T operator and ask them dial 800-893-0903. | ||
| This is Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell on the Premier Radio Network. | ||
| That's what it's all about. | ||
| Talk, folks. | ||
| That's what we do. | ||
| Good morning, I'm Art Bell. | ||
| Leland Gregory is my guest, and we're talking all about 911. | ||
| So stay with us. | ||
| There's more. | ||
| All right, I wouldn't normally do this, but I cannot resist. | ||
| Before we bring Leland back, I actually think that I hurt something in my side earlier tonight. | ||
| It was, you know, just one of the first few that we played. | ||
| And I didn't realize until somewhere into it what I was listening to. | ||
| And maybe you didn't either. | ||
| This poor guy has been no doubt robbed. | ||
| Somebody has bound and gagged him. | ||
| Somehow he's managed to get off his chair or stick his leg out, kick the telephone over, and probably dial 911 with his nose for all I know. | ||
| but he's bound and gagged and here's the nine one one car or or or Sir, I can't understand this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, he said that he's positioned as a lab or he's been tied up in that. | |
| Where is he at? | ||
| Can you give us your address? | ||
| Six hundred already. | ||
| Six hundred what? | ||
| All. | ||
| All. | ||
| Walnut? | ||
| Orange? | ||
| Olive? | ||
| Olive? | ||
| Olive, sir? | ||
| Olive? | ||
| Um, you want me to have the alphabet you want me to have someone chess this up? | ||
| Please. | ||
| Okay, let me comment. | ||
| I understand it. | ||
| So 600 olive? | ||
| Are you seeing olive? | ||
| Oh, run. | ||
| I can't find out what he's saying. | ||
| Is it Atlantic? | ||
| Home. | ||
| Learned. | ||
| Like a nut. | ||
| Home. | ||
| A-L-U-N-D. | ||
| Almond, right? | ||
| 600 almond? | ||
| Okay, that won't be necessary. | ||
| You don't have to run in a chat. | ||
| How long ago did this happen? | ||
| listen to me. | ||
| Listen to me. | ||
| Do you live in a house and apartment there? | ||
| Apartment. | ||
| What apartment do you live in? | ||
| One is two. | ||
| One, two? | ||
| All right, what's it? | ||
| Two. | ||
| What apartment? | ||
| Two. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Two? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And what's his last name? | ||
| Loofero. | ||
| Okay, so we're going to send the police out, all right? | ||
| We're here at 740. | ||
| Okay, it's all right. | ||
| Let me go so I can send the police, all right? | ||
| Oh, bye-bye. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| I had to keep the microphone down during that. | ||
| That thing. | ||
| One of my favorite calls. | ||
| God, that's funny. | ||
| He's so outrageous in the way that this actor just... | ||
| What's your last name? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like, oh, God, you know, it's all he sends lousy or something. | |
| For God's sakes, just get them over here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, man, that's funny. | |
| That is absolutely a riot. | ||
| And of course, the other really, really funny one is Joe and the Deer. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And you're not going to believe this. | ||
| And one never knows. | ||
| We'll see what we have here. | ||
| But believe it or not, I have the man who claims that he's the dispatcher who took that call. | ||
| Let's see if he really is. | ||
| Hello there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hello, and good evening. | |
| This is Don. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don from Houston, Texas. | |
| It was from Houston then. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, sir, it sure was. | |
| I've got claims, some people claim that it came from Poughkeepsie, New York. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, the individual that made the call may have made it on more than one person. | |
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Now it's becoming more and more clear. | ||
| You know, that could be. | ||
| That could be. | ||
| But you did take that call? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, sir, I sure did. | |
| It's a real interesting story that's behind that call. | ||
| Yeah, go ahead. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's a lot of people that have been using that as a real 911 call when in reality that was a practical joke played on a poor, relatively new dispatcher being myself, after a new upgrade in a center. | |
| Really? | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The individual that made the call was the computer rep. About one o'clock in the morning, we had been live on the new system for about an hour. | |
| Everybody's saying goodnight, congratulating each other. | ||
| We're on live. | ||
| Everything's not a hitch. | ||
| He walks out, and all of a sudden I get the call. | ||
| And this is what you were a dispatcher in Houston? | ||
|
unidentified
|
For a non-municipal department or a multitude of departments, actually there were six fire departments and an EMS service that I handled about 350 square miles on the north side of Houston. | |
| Okay. | ||
| Well, that's amazing. | ||
| And you said something about people coming from New Zealand? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I've gotten people that have visited my center or what used to be my center as far away as New Zealand saying, you've got to hear this tape. | |
| Because I heard about some people in Poughkeepsie said that they've got a tape that's very similar to the classic one that you took, but they say the man starts off saying, I need a policeman with a gun. | ||
| I'm at the mobile station where they sell the Buicks. | ||
| They said it's the same sounding guy, it's the same story, but a lot of the content of the call is different. | ||
| Well, if this guy is really a service person for 911, he might have played it on several people. | ||
| Then he got around, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| All right. | ||
| How fun. | ||
| How interesting. | ||
| Well, thank you so much. | ||
| That clarifies a lot. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| It's still the funniest call ever, though. | ||
| Oh, it absolutely is. | ||
| And I don't know. | ||
| To me, it sounds real. | ||
| There's too much emotion in the guy's voice for it not to be real. | ||
| Well, it certainly spawned. | ||
| I mean, it's the most popular call in even, was it Tommy Boy or one of the movies? | ||
| There's a movie, Chris Farley movie, where apparently everyone's told me that there's a scene where the guy picks up a deer and puts it in his car. | ||
| So you're actually immortalized in audio and on film now. | ||
| Here's somebody. | ||
| Kirk in Cincinnati wants to know, enjoying the show, but really curious about the tracks you've been skipping. | ||
| What are they about? | ||
| Any hints? | ||
| The nether regions. | ||
| The nether regions? | ||
| Yeah, where mainly genitals, and that's why I didn't think we wanted to broach that subject on the air. | ||
| No, even though it's either 2.15 or 3.15 or something like that in the morning, there are some limits. | ||
| And besides, you've got to go buy the CD folks. | ||
| There's got to be some mystique. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| It's 1-866. | ||
| The number to order the CD is 1-866-754-8273. | ||
| 1-866-754-8273. | ||
| You can call right now. | ||
| And it's only how much? | ||
| $14.95. | ||
| $14.95. | ||
| It's worth a lot more than that. | ||
| And, of course, at the website at wacky911.com. | ||
| Gotcha. | ||
| All right. | ||
| We must have a few left on here. | ||
| There's a couple. | ||
| Let's see. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where were we? | |
| Well, we're up to... | ||
| I think we just did. | ||
| Double-crossed wire. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| I don't remember what Don't Get Mad is, so let's skip that and go down to 35. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Be on the safe side. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, hello. | |
| Could I ask a request? | ||
| Sure, wouldn't you say something by the Case Brothers, Martin, and Gibson? | ||
| Of course it is. | ||
| Is this WF? | ||
| This is the police department. | ||
| I got the wrong place. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| I guess he thought it was K911 or W911 or something like that. | ||
| I'm sure dispatchers have gotten a lot weirder calls than that. | ||
| Yeah, I'm sure they have. | ||
| But the next one, we can play that too. | ||
| Oh, we can. | ||
| That's a safe one. | ||
| All right. | ||
| 36 up and coming. | ||
|
unidentified
|
911. | |
| Hello. | ||
| 911, near emergency. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a little elephant. | ||
| An elephant? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not an elephant. | ||
| Sorry, not an elephant. | ||
| Little deer. | ||
| And it's still alive over here. | ||
| Hello? | ||
| I'm here. | ||
| Okay, did you hit the deer or did you? | ||
| No, no, I didn't hit it. | ||
| Somebody else hit it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know who hit it. | |
| Okay. | ||
| Okay, we'll have it. | ||
| I'll go check the area. | ||
| For you, please? | ||
| Okay, and it's still alive, correct? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Okay, we'll go check it out. | ||
| Okay, thanks. | ||
| I'm waiting over here, all right? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Okay, thank you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thanks, bye-bye. | |
| Bye-bye. | ||
| And so they couldn't tell whether it wasn't an elephant. | ||
| An elephant or a little deer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or a little deer. | |
| I always wanted to put that one right in front of Joe versus the deer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Because someone hit it, and who was it? | ||
| Well, you know, kind of match them together. | ||
| You know you go into that call armed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, really? | |
| What I like with the guy says is, I'll wait right over here. | ||
| Like he's on television. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| And he's pointing to the spot. | ||
| I'll wait right over here. | ||
| Well, you've got to remember that when people are calling 911, they are extremely disturbed. | ||
| You know, adrenaline is going like crazy, and they can be at their dumbest. | ||
| There is no question about it. | ||
| That is more than true. | ||
| You know, I would love to have had a camera in the cop car that went to open the lady's beer. | ||
| Yeah, wouldn't that be funny? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I swear. | ||
| That's one of my favorite calls, too, is the lady who was asking for help opening her beer bottles. | ||
| But actually, the CD's got, like I said, it's got 44 tracks. | ||
| It's about an hour. | ||
| So, I mean, we've stilled up almost four hours just playing most of it. | ||
| Very, very funny stuff. | ||
| And the book, What's the Number for 911, of course, which started the whole thing? | ||
| How many stuff is in the book? | ||
| What's the number for 911? | ||
| How many are in here in the book that don't show up in the CD? | ||
| Well, there's only one story that's in both the book and the CD. | ||
| And that's Joe versus the Deer. | ||
| Joe versus the Deer. | ||
| Because it's so funny, and even though it was, now that we all know it was put together by a systems analyst, which is a unique experience, it's still very, very funny. | ||
| That is, if you believe it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Which I tend to. | ||
| He sounded like an honest guy. | ||
| Yeah, he sounded honest. | ||
| He absolutely did. | ||
| But that's the only story that's duplicated in the book and in the CD. | ||
| The rest of them are completely different. | ||
| And then, like I said, I've got a new book coming out in September called What's the Number for 911 Again? | ||
| Yeah, you know, earlier I think that you were on to it. | ||
| I think that your next should be a compilation of stupid. | ||
| Well, actually, I'm proposing a book like that to my agent right now. | ||
| And now I'll just use your quote. | ||
| Or even the CD. | ||
| Yeah, well, I've gotten several people who have emailed me since I've been on the air with you saying I've got some dispatching things. | ||
| I've got some Army communications things. | ||
| I've got some different kinds of audio of stupidity in action. | ||
| And that might make just a very, very funny compilation CD of a CD called Hey Idiot or something like that. | ||
| Yeah, something like that. | ||
| God, these are great. | ||
| It's great to laugh. | ||
| Oh, it's fun, is it? | ||
| It's a good way of spending an evening. | ||
| All right, well, we're down near the end, aren't we? | ||
| Okay, I think 411 is very short, so you can just bump that right up against the next one, nasty bathroom. | ||
| Oh, I can? | ||
| Yeah, they're both safe. | ||
| All right. | ||
| I was worried about nasty bathroom. | ||
| No, it's not that nasty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, here we go. | |
| Oh, I'm sorry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I thought I dialed information. | |
| No, sir, that would be 411. | ||
| Of course. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is a recording. | |
| 911 is not a working emergency number for your area. | ||
| For emergencies, hang up for a moment and dial your operator. | ||
| Shh. | ||
| That was a joke. | ||
| And then the next one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
911. | |
| This isn't really an emergency per se, but I don't know who else to call. | ||
| We're on Highway 101, and there's a... | ||
| We're going south, but the thing I'm reporting is that gas station and many marks, the public health officials really need to take a look at that bathroom there. | ||
| Okay, you might want to call them then. | ||
| Was there, let's see, does anyone need an ambulance? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Does anyone need a fire traffic? | ||
| No. | ||
| Okay, you just want to report a health hazard? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay, then you should call the health officials. | ||
| Isn't that in your phone book or 411? | ||
| So I would have to pull them off and find a phone booth. | ||
| You guys can't report it. | ||
| 411. | ||
| 411? | ||
| Yeah, you can call 411 information because they don't have phone numbers for you. | ||
| You can't report it. | ||
| This is a 911 line. | ||
| For health problems, you need to report it to the proper authorities. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Wanting to report a nasty bathroom. | ||
| how can people Right. | ||
| But she was in the car. | ||
| She had to think about it, pick up a cell phone, and call 911 to report a rotten bathroom. | ||
| Yeah, instead of just, you know, when she was returning the key to the cashier to say, your bathroom is rotten. | ||
| You know, they waited until they got in the car. | ||
| They must have talked about it and got some kind of righteous indignation saying, there's got to be something we can do about this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And they called 911. | ||
| Yeah, exactly right. | ||
| So it's an amazing world we live in. | ||
| Someone emailed me a bumper sticker that said something like, you'll be amazed at what can happen when a group of stupid people get together. | ||
| No, I wouldn't be amazed at all. | ||
| And they feed on each other, too. | ||
| Right. | ||
| The Confederacy of Dunces phenomenon, I think, is what it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| Are we at the end or have we? | ||
| I think we can do this one called Someone's in the Bag. | ||
| I included it because the man's voice is so interesting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| And what he says is kind of unique, too, but it's just the way he speaks. | ||
| Sometimes I'm, you know, attracted by weird audio sounds, but this guy has a very unique voice. | ||
| Listen, this is radio. | ||
| Audio is everything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There you go. | |
| Here we go. | ||
| Good morning. | ||
| I'm a retired detective. | ||
| Across the street from me, there is like somebody trapped in a bag or something. | ||
| In a bag? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is it on the lawn? | ||
| No, it's across from the garage. | ||
| I'm looking at it right now, but I can't figure it out. | ||
| Is it small? | ||
| No, big. | ||
| A sleeping bag or a plastic bag? | ||
| Well, it looks like a brick sheath or something. | ||
| Okay, we'll be out in a minute. | ||
| Well, thank you. | ||
| I am a retired police detective. | ||
| There's someone in a bag. | ||
| I just want to thank you for the bad. | ||
| My name is Lad. | ||
| Yes, I get calls like that. | ||
| People that sound like that all the time. | ||
| Oh, I'm sure. | ||
| Not that unusual. | ||
| Well, I think the last one that we can work on on this one would be track 41, Calling from the Coaster. | ||
| And that's another example of, as we spoke about earlier, people having 911 on a one-button speed dial and it accidentally being pushed. | ||
| All right, here you go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
911 emergency. | |
| 911 emergency. | ||
| Hello? | ||
| Hello? | ||
| Hi, this is 911. | ||
| Do you have an emergency there? | ||
| No, I'm sorry, I don't. | ||
| I must hit the wrong button. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Okay, ma'am, do you have your 911 button on a one button dial? | ||
| I don't, I didn't think I did, but I will put my look at it and turn it off as it is. | ||
| Okay, were you like on a roller coaster or what? | ||
| Yeah, I was online. | ||
| Okay, because I heard a lot of excited woos. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Oh, that's absolutely excellent. | ||
| I heard a lot of excited woos. | ||
| Now, I've got some stories, don't have audio tapes yet, of other accidental callings of 911 where you hear excited woos and they're not on an amusement park ride. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Yeah, now you understand what I'm saying. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| In fact, when I was on the Today Show, Matt Lauer told the story of a couple. | ||
| Matt Lauer? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Matt Lauer, yeah. | |
| He was the... | ||
| We're real tight. | ||
| So we were Yeah, right. | ||
| He was telling the story where there was a couple messing around and they accidentally kicked off the phone. | ||
| The man was having an affair, so he was with his woman. | ||
| And when they hit the phone, it speed dialed the man's home phone number. | ||
| And his wife picked up the phone. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| And for the balance of the time, she sat and she listened. | ||
| Well, maybe. | ||
| Did this turn into a murder case? | ||
| She was probably sharpening her knives. | ||
| They did an episode of Boston Public recently where something exactly like that occurred. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Oh, absolutely. | ||
| It was a teacher. | ||
| And he was with an 18-year-old student. | ||
| And it dialed the principal. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| You know, occasionally they must take, you know, from real life for fiction, because real life really is every bit as good. | ||
| Well, all right, fine. | ||
| We've got another half hour to go, so stay right there, and we'll be right back to you. | ||
| And I don't know what we'll do, but that's kind of like your career. | ||
| You don't know why you do it. | ||
| It's important work, but you don't know why you do it. | ||
| I'm Art Bell, and this is Coast to Coast AM. | ||
| And I feel exactly the same about the work I do. | ||
| Very important somehow or another, but I don't know why I'd do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And we're doing glow on the night And we're doing glow on the night And we're doing glow on the night And we're doing glow on the night | |
| We done black skylight above the sky. | ||
| We doubt my eyes. | ||
| Like the leap before both of us. | ||
| Up and down that old line. | ||
| All I got to do is to love you. | ||
| All I got to feel be happy. | ||
| All it got to make is the ball to make it more away. | ||
| All I got to do is to love you. | ||
| All I got to feel be happy. | ||
| All it got to make is the both. | ||
| Make it more away. | ||
| Call Art Bell in the Kingdom of Nye from West of the Rockies at 1-800-618-8255. | ||
| East of the Rockies, 1-800-825-5033. | ||
| First-time callers may rechart at 1-775-727-1222. | ||
| And the wildcard line is open at 1-775-727-1295. | ||
| To reach out on the toll-free international line, call your AT ⁇ T operator and have them dial 800-893-0903. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| There's a song that must have come out when I was overseas. | ||
| It's just such a simple, silly, happy little love song that I like it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All I got to do is to love you. | |
| All I got to be is to be out. | ||
| Isn't that nice? | ||
| Leland Gregory will be right back. | ||
| And yes, we will open the phone lines. | ||
| I know you've been waiting a long time, so. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Coming up. | |
| All right. | ||
| Once again, Leland Gregory, who's brought us a whole night's entertainment here. | ||
| Leland, welcome back. | ||
| Here's somebody with a kind of a question that I guess I can ask. | ||
| It comes from, ostensibly anyway, it claims to come from, the Indiana 911 Center. | ||
| Brad, does your guest have a 911 call with a guy and a vibrator? | ||
| If so, that call originated at this center. | ||
| Very funny. | ||
| If he doesn't have it, I can send it to him. | ||
| Just advise on the air. | ||
| Now, obviously, this is either one of the ones we skipped or you didn't include. | ||
| Yeah, you're looking at track 22. | ||
| Track 22. | ||
| Well, folks, you've got to order the CD for track 22. | ||
| I'll be listening to that one as soon as I get off the air. | ||
| But if you forward me their number, I wouldn't mind getting a cleaner copy of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Well, they may well have a cleaner copy. | ||
| Boy. | ||
| Because what I've got is a WAV file, and it was a little hard to understand. | ||
| But, you know, as you know, the calls come on those one-inch tapes that move so slowly. | ||
| Oh, they just crawled. | ||
| It's really, really bad. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Fortunately, we had all of ours re-enhanced at an audio studio and took out some of the static and played around with the waves and stuff like that to try to make them as clean as possible. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| And as listenable as possible. | ||
| How long are those tapes maintained? | ||
| In other words, a few years later, years later. | ||
| From what I heard, all tapes are maintained for six months and then erased. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what I heard from some centers. | ||
| Now, some may be different. | ||
| So you better catch it or it's gone. | ||
| It's exactly. | ||
| So a lot of times you'll hear about stuff that occurred years ago. | ||
| You'll never get it unless someone had taped it. | ||
| So any 911 dispatchers out there who hear a funny call, tape it and send it to me. | ||
| And you can find me at wacky911.com. | ||
| They don't get in any trouble for that, do they? | ||
| Not if they release it through their captain or their supervisor. | ||
| And also, just to let them know, I take out all operator numbers, all phone numbers, all dispatch codes, everything. | ||
| They're completely sanitized and no one can understand. | ||
| Careers will not be in jeopardy. | ||
| Careers will not be in jeopardy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And also the thing about this is that these are non-notorious calls. | ||
| I mean, these aren't things that are reported in newspapers. | ||
| So they're usually just individuals who make a call. | ||
| So it's not like you'll be able to figure out who these people are anyway. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, because it's not like it was a shooting at a school and no one was reported. | ||
| It was usually someone who had too much to drink and sat on their cell phone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Well, listen, let's take a few calls. | ||
| You've entertained them. | ||
| Let's see if they'll entertain you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| First time caller line, you're on the air with Leland Gregory. | ||
| Hello. | ||
| Yeah, Art. | ||
| This is Wade. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm calling from Louisa, Kentucky. | |
| From where? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Louisa, Kentucky. | |
| Louisville, Kentucky. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Louisa. | ||
| Louisa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, I thought it was just the way you all said it in Kentucky. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Louisa. | |
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, we all don't like me kicks on the radio. | ||
| No. | ||
| I'm used to southern accents. | ||
| I live there. | ||
| Well, I'm from Nashville, so we say Nashville and Louisville. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| We're on the Kentucky-West Virginia border. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| I watched you, I just happened to catch the interview you did on Today Show the other morning. | ||
| Oh, thanks. | ||
| And did you play the one for Art about the guy being attacked by the deer and the dog? | ||
| We played that earlier, but if Art wants to play it again, maybe right toward the end of the show. | ||
| That'd be a good way of topping it off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it really would. | |
| Yeah, that's funny call. | ||
| And I really couldn't believe that the producers at the Today Show were brave enough to actually play that one on the show. | ||
| I didn't know they did that. | ||
| They did. | ||
| I talked them into it. | ||
| I was on the show twice, and they refused to do it in November. | ||
| And I think they went out and had some drinks and thought, you know, let's try it. | ||
| What the hell? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the hell? | |
| Yeah, you can just see the look on Katie Kirk's face and, you know, all in there like, gee, Liz, this guy's having the worst day. | ||
| Yeah, really. | ||
| It was a lot of fun. | ||
| It was a good show because everyone, actually, I got to be on the couch and all four of them interviewed me for the last show. | ||
| So that was kind of a unique situation as opposed to the first time it was just Katie. | ||
| All four of them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All four. | |
| You were interviewed by all four. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No kidding. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And I didn't know that until I was walking down the stairs to the studio. | ||
| I, too, have had a lot of fun with Matt Lauer. | ||
| Yeah, he's a great guy, actually. | ||
| Oh, great. | ||
| Very, very pleasant person. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a great guy. | |
| And genuinely a nice person, not just a persona. | ||
| He's just a very nice man. | ||
| Well, he's got a good sense of humor, anyway. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He does. | |
| And my quote from him is, he said, Leland, you're a lunatic. | ||
| And I thought, well, that's going to go in all my press packages from now on. | ||
| Along with your phrase art, what you do is beneficial. | ||
| We just don't know how. | ||
| No, I think I said the work you do is important. | ||
| Oh, that's it. | ||
| Let me write that down. | ||
| The work you do is important. | ||
| We just don't know how. | ||
| We just don't know why. | ||
| Why, okay. | ||
| Caller, anything else? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I'd just like to say, you know, I'm glad to have you back, Art. | |
| I was a really big fan, and I hope you got my letter and stuff. | ||
| I sent to you in the mail. | ||
| You know, I kept tabs on everything that was going on. | ||
| If you sent a letter, I got it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And actually, I always felt you were going to come back one way or another. | |
| Hoagland actually kind of left a little bit of subliminal message right before you left. | ||
| Well, that's dick for you. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| Wildcard line, you're on the air with Leland Gregory. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hello. | |
| Hi, this is Dale calling from Galliston Arts. | ||
| Yes, Dale. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And hello to you, Leland. | |
| I did purchase a CD a couple of weeks ago. | ||
| I heard it from my local station, KGBC, and they were playing it on one of your tracks dealing with a 9-1 with a car. | ||
| Well, somebody tuned in late and took it for granted and got the police onto them. | ||
| They should. | ||
| Oh, you're kidding. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I'm not. | |
| It really happened. | ||
| They thought it was a real over-the-air. | ||
| It figures. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And Leon Balloon, the owner of KGBC here, requested that this Morning Post stop playing the CD. | |
| Well, you know what? | ||
| I'll tell you what. | ||
| People will do anything. | ||
| Frequently, I have prophets on my radio program, right? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yes. | |
| That's what I'm getting from. | ||
| Prophets coming on, doing predictions for the future. | ||
| Things they have seen through the power of their minds. | ||
|
unidentified
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One of your other callers on 911, he's your Antichrist caller. | |
| I thought so. | ||
| That was dead on. | ||
| That voice was dead on. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's him art. | |
| I know. | ||
| I believe it, too. | ||
|
unidentified
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But my other problem was I have dialed 411. | |
| I lived in Austin several times, and I know clearly, of course, 2.33 o'clock, more than half asleep. | ||
| It went into 911. | ||
| Why it did, I don't know, but I apologize. | ||
| I thought that caller there near the end of that 411 might have been me, but it's not. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Well, there's somebody who's done it. | ||
| But, you know, people do take things too seriously, Leland. | ||
| As I said, I have prophets, you know, and they come on the show and they prophesize. | ||
| This is all mentally received. | ||
| And I learned after a few times that you don't let prophets come on and prophesize that some president that we've currently got is going to get bumped off. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because when you do, Matilda, living outside Kansas City, calls the Secret Service. | ||
| The Secret Service, having to do their duty, investigates. | ||
| In the course of that investigation, they send two guys with no sense of humor whatsoever to my house. | ||
| And they come in with little bulges, and you know what they are, and they sit on the couch and say, now tell us about this call. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| It's reality. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| So I'm not surprised. | ||
| I'm sure what that person said is exactly right. | ||
| He's to the Rockies. | ||
| You're on the air with Leland Gregory and Art Bell. | ||
| Good morning. | ||
|
unidentified
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Hi, Art. | |
| Hi, Leland. | ||
| Hey, how you doing? | ||
|
unidentified
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I'm doing well. | |
| I just had to call in. | ||
| See, my name's Shane. | ||
| I'm in North Dakota. | ||
| And that call that you got about the young lady who sent officers over to help that elderly woman with her little nightcap there. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's the type of thing that happens in this city. | |
| See, I've listened to scanners and stuff for years around here. | ||
| And the dispatchers are more than willing to send an officer out to help a mother who can't get her child to take their medication. | ||
| Or even someone who had trouble getting their dog into their house one day. | ||
| Yeah, but to open a beer, that's going a notch, maybe two or three notches. | ||
| Yeah, that's taking it up. | ||
|
unidentified
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She must really enjoy her nightcap, too, and must have empathized with her forgiveness. | |
| Well, I guess if you saw the beers sitting there and you couldn't get them open, to you, that would be a personal emergency. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, well, I guess I've been there in my younger days. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| I was just very impressed with the fact that she kept herself very composed. | ||
| And when she found out what the problem was, then, well, she was obviously very nice to the woman, and she really wanted to help her out. | ||
| Yeah, but I submit to you, sir, that if in your younger days you had made that call, it would not have turned out so well for you. | ||
|
unidentified
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No, oh, no, no. | |
| An old lady, A, you send them over, you open the beer. | ||
| Somebody at about 20, after six or eight beers, they go to jail. | ||
|
unidentified
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Well, yeah, well, by the time I'd gotten around to call 911, I probably would have needed to go to jail. | |
| I just wanted to say I really enjoyed the show today, and I've just been so entertained tonight. | ||
| I started listening to your show recently. | ||
| I've got a late-night delivery route that I do. | ||
| And I just got to say, Art, that you've kept me more entertained than any TV program I think I've ever watched. | ||
| Very kind of good. | ||
| I wanted to thank you for that. | ||
| And you guys have a good night. | ||
| Thank you and take care. | ||
| West of the Rockies, you're on the air with Leland. | ||
| Gregory, good morning. | ||
|
unidentified
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Hello. | |
| Hi. | ||
|
unidentified
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Hi, Ori, I'm Colin from Eastern Washington. | |
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
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And I used to work for a police department, not here, but over in the Seattle area. | |
| And now you know what keeps policemen on the job. | ||
| It's never dull. | ||
| There's always something funny going around. | ||
| But the other thing, I had a phone number over here for about nine years that was real close to the county courthouse. | ||
| And at night it was the jail phone number. | ||
| And I used to get calls from dumb people, including the best one was one guy called one night and said, I have a warrant. | ||
| You know, I answered the phone about 3.30 in the morning and, you know, give him this hello. | ||
| And he says, I have a warrant out for my arrest. | ||
| If I come down here, will they let me release me on my own recognizance? | ||
| And usually I just said, you got a wrong number, but this time I had to say, what kind of a warrant is it? | ||
| And he said, failure to appear. | ||
| And I said, yeah, sure. | ||
| Come on down. | ||
| We'll work it out. | ||
| And I hung up. | ||
| And I laid there laughing for about an hour. | ||
| You people are so dumb. | ||
| I have done such things. | ||
| You know, you finally just get so frustrated, especially when you get a new number and it was somebody's old number and all their friends are still calling that number. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, this was a great number. | |
| It was one digit away from the county courthouse. | ||
| And if you reverse the last two digits, it was the Marine Corps recruiter. | ||
| And I had people trying to join the Marine Corps. | ||
| And I told one guy, the Marine Corps doesn't want anybody who's dyslexic. | ||
| There was a... | ||
| There was a Judge Judy. | ||
| Thank you, Color. | ||
| There was a Judge Judy piece where this fellow had received a brand new number, and he was in court facing off with the gal who had had the number previously. | ||
| And he got so sick of getting calls for her, you know, all hours of the day and night, that he finally put a message on the answering machine saying, We're sorry, Maria has passed away. | ||
| We're all in mourning, and we're all, we feel terrible about this. | ||
| And Maria's passed away. | ||
| Don't call here anymore, please. | ||
| And she sued him. | ||
| She took him. | ||
| She took him to court. | ||
| Oh, great. | ||
| I'll have to research that one. | ||
| And by the way, she won. | ||
|
unidentified
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Good. | |
| Maria is dead. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| First time calling her line, you're on the air with Leland. | ||
| Gregory, good morning. | ||
| Where are you, please? | ||
|
unidentified
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I'm in Florida. | |
| Is this Art Val? | ||
| Yes, it is. | ||
|
unidentified
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Hey, I tell you, I've enjoyed you for many, many, many years. | |
| This is the first time I've called, though, but you've been so entertaining tonight. | ||
| I wanted to share a stupid thing with me. | ||
| With you, I'm not going to give my first name because somebody might recognize me. | ||
| I was talking to a friend on the phone one night, and I was having trouble with my battery. | ||
| It was a 900 megahertz phone, and the lights were flashing, and as I was talking, I was trying to hit some kind of button to maybe it was a problem with memory or so forth. | ||
| Anyway, I accidentally hit 911. | ||
| And as soon as they answered the phone, I hung up. | ||
| I was like, oh, my God. | ||
| And anyway, of course, they called me right back. | ||
| And I said, this wasn't an emergency. | ||
| I just accidentally hit the button. | ||
| He said, well, we're going to have to go out of the farm. | ||
| I thought, oh, great. | ||
| So anyway, I gave him my name and address and hung up and thought, boy, that was stupid. | ||
| And I went and changed batteries. | ||
| Went back. | ||
| I was going to call my friend back because I cut him off whenever I hit the 911 button. | ||
| I hit redial. | ||
| And the 911 wants your emergency. | ||
| And it's like, oh, my gosh, I'm not going to have to fill out that paper, am I? | ||
| That's a good one. | ||
| Yeah, that's a very good one. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| We are so out of time. | ||
| If we don't do this, we're not going to get a chance. | ||
| So here it is, folks. | ||
| This is the ambulance emergency line. | ||
|
unidentified
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Do you have an emergency? | |
| I need a vampire. | ||
| Who is this? | ||
| Joe. | ||
| Okay, where do you need us? | ||
|
unidentified
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I'm in a motherfucking phone booth. | |
| Okay, what's the address there? | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Okay, Joe, I needed a location. | ||
| What street are you on? | ||
| I'm in a motherfucking phone booth at the stop and go. | ||
| Yeah, I'm at the that's it. | ||
| I'm at the motherfucking stop and go. | ||
| On a on, wait a minute. | ||
| Huffman. | ||
| What's the motherfucking street? | ||
| Huffman Car Roose in South Africa. | ||
| At the motherfucking stop and go. | ||
| Yo. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| However, let me see. | ||
| I'm in the motherfucking home booth. | ||
| Let me tell you what. | ||
| I'm going down the motherfucking road driving my car, minding my own damn business, and a motherfucker here jumping out and hit my car. | ||
| Okay, sir, are you injured? | ||
| Let me tell you. | ||
| I get out and pick the motherfucking ear up. | ||
| I thought he was dead. | ||
| I put the motherfucking ear in my back seat, and I'm driving down the motherfucking road and minding my own business. | ||
| The motherfucking walk up and bit me in the back of my little nigga. | ||
| He bit me and it just kicked the out of my car. | ||
| I'm in the motherfucking phone booth. | ||
| The deer bit me in the neck. | ||
| A big motherfucking dog came up and bit me in the neck. | ||
| I hit him with the motherfucking tire iron and I stabbed him. | ||
| I stabbed him with my knife. | ||
| So I got a hurt leg and the motherfucking deer bit me in the neck. | ||
| And the deer, and the dog wanted me out of the motherfucking phone booth because he wants the deer. | ||
| Who gets the deer? | ||
| Me or the dog? | ||
| Okay, sir, are you injured? | ||
| Yeah, a motherfucking deer bit me in the neck. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| The motherfucking dog is biting me. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Get out of here. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| The muffing dog is biting the motherfucking way of ending the show. | ||
| That's an absolute forever classic. | ||
| Whether it was real or whether somebody cooked it up, somebody. | ||
| It just doesn't matter, does it? | ||
| It really does. | ||
| It's so classic. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| All right, listen, folks. | ||
| Last opportunity. | ||
| You can get this CD. | ||
| It's got a total of, let me see, 44 tracks on it, and some of them are hilarious, as you already know. | ||
| Some of them are unerable. | ||
| And thank God I didn't just hit them. | ||
| During the show, I did that a couple of times. | ||
| I just hit the next track. | ||
| Thank God I didn't. | ||
| And so you can get Wacky911, the CD. | ||
| It's only how much? | ||
| $14.95. | ||
| That's really cheap. | ||
| Can't beat it. | ||
| You can call right now, 1-866-754-8273. | ||
| That's for the CD, 1-866-754-8273. | ||
| The book, which has original material in it, is called What's the Number for 911, America's Wackiest 911 Calls with All Different Materials for it. | ||
| And that's available at our website at wacky911.com. | ||
| And if you just can't get enough of Joe vs. | ||
| the Deer, we put it up at wacky911.com and people can listen to it and enjoy it for all eternity. | ||
| That was really nice of you to put that up actually on your website. | ||
| It's one of your best pieces of material, there's no doubt about it. | ||
| And to put it on your website is a really nice thing to do. | ||
| Well, thank you. | ||
| In fact, the whole show has been an absolute blast. | ||
| And when you come up with your next CD, because of course we're an audio-driven media here, you've got to come first here with it. | ||
| Oh, you've got it, buddy. | ||
| And if you're going to do one that sort of includes everything, just the world of stupid, definitely bring it here first. | ||
| Great. | ||
| All right, Leland. | ||
|
unidentified
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I will. | |
| Thank you, my friend. | ||
| Thank you so much, Art. | ||
| I can't tell you when I've had more fun at night. | ||
| Well, I won't tell you. | ||
| I could, but I'm not going to tell. | ||
| Night night, my friend. | ||
| All right. | ||
| That's Leland Gregory, folks. | ||
| Tomorrow night, we're going to have open lines all night, with the exception of one line, which I'm bound and determined to hold open as the Mad Scientist line. | ||
| So if you are a Mad Scientist, or you know a Mad Scientist, alert them to the fact that tomorrow night is their night. | ||
| For tonight, that's it, though. | ||
| That's all there is. | ||
| Been a, being a, being a, being a. | ||
| That's all, folks. |
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