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Before he had all the problems is being a rapist one of the problem Oh, I got it.
Sorry.
You said it like before he got scurvy.
Hey, Theo.
My name is actually Theo as well.
Oh, hello, Theo.
Good to meet the others onward.
I got a situation here.
I've been talking to this girl for like two years, and it turns out I got her pregnant.
After that all happened, the word got around, and somehow it turns out that she's my first cousin.
Any advice would help?
And thank you so much.
Wow.
Dang, brother.
That's, ooh.
That's, you're going to be raising a dang lizard, homie.
You can't.
Wow, brother.
Good golly.
That's like shooting fish in a family or whatever.
I don't know.
I mean, I haven't looked at a chart recently.
I don't know the genetic legalities of that.
But, dude, yeah, I mean, they say, you know, don't pee where or don't eat where you, or don't piss where your family is or whatever, whatever that old saying is, dude.
I feel like you've gone past that at this point.
And God, that thing's going to have, you're going to need, yeah, you're going to need a farrier to come and put shoes on that thing.
I'm just chirping you.
I'm just chirping you, dude.
Look, I feel you.
Look, it's having a child with a cousin, I think, at the very least, it's going to need glasses.
They still have prostitutes that work the streets.
Do they?
Yeah.
Not even.
You don't have to anymore, bro.
There's just some good, we're streetwalkers still in America.
Can you pull that up, please?
Because I've been looking.
I've told my friends before, I don't get laid much.
That's just a fact about me.
But I told my friends, just surprise me with a hooker one day and don't tell me it's a hooker.
A male hooker?
A male hooker.
They exist.
I'm not sure.
I think that they, yeah, definitely.
I mean, there's like Italian guys, if that's what you're talking about.
But, you know, some women, they say, oh, it's so easy for a woman to get laid.
They can have whoever they want.
No, it's not true.
There are some of us that have really hard times.
Really?
I know a lot.
I feel like I could name at least five or six guys that would definitely make love to you that I know firsthand.
Oh, wow.
And I've seen in the past two weeks.
You know?
Wow.
And you've got some cool pals.
Or just, you know, like, I mean, because, yeah, I don't even, yeah, but it's like, what am I even talking about?
Is that a crazy segment?
No, it's no, no, it's great to hear.
Actually, that just gave me a little bit of a boost.
Dude, yeah.
Are you kidding me, man?
There are some people that would definitely probably knock you up even.
Hell yeah.
You have a lot of, you have a decent amount of children.
Yeah, a lot, 85.
You have 85.
Is that your goal?
Yeah.
Yeah.
But then also the people I've had kids with, we were all on one accord.
What is on one accord?
I only dated women that were athletic.
I'm not having kids just to have kids.
Oh, so then you have some strategy.
Yeah, there was strategy behind mine.
I don't care about you being a bad bitch.
I don't care about you being on IG with your ass out.
I don't care.
And no BBLs.
I mean, that's fine.
Whatever you need to do to feel better about yourself, I'm fine with that.
But I needed and only dated women that were athletic.
So my kids had a head start on that foundation of athletic ability.
And I only date women that already have kids.
You can take that kid off to the sides, hey, man.
Because, I mean, for me, dating a woman with no kids, they never have fucking food at home.
Yeah.
They always want to go out to eat.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
You know what it's like, Nalthea?
I don't know if you experienced this.
Like, you know what it's like to have sex with someone that has kids and wake up at 3, 3.30 in the morning, get a fucking Capri Sun?
That's good.
Oh, bro.
That's fucking amazing.
Bro, with half a mouthful of lunchable, I'll make love all night.
See, that's what I'm talking about.
That's who I am, boy.
I mean, it's like losing your virginity to Pamela Anderson.
Well, that's a bad, that's a dated.
Who's the new hot lady?
Who is it now?
Oprah.
No, it's Rihanna.
Who do the kids like?
Oh, aw.
Sydney Sweeney.
That's a good one.
Look at the tits on Dicklis.
God.
Oh, wow.
Holy hachi, machi.
She's like a beautiful young lady, huh?
Very attractive.
She just got separated from her husband.
Oh, hey, you're in.
That's slurp lord.
I thought about sending her a message, but I don't know what I would say.
Man, say nice yams, bitch.
Oh, yeah, that's true, dude.
I think she wants that.
No one talks to her like that anymore, so it'll probably turn her on.
You think, oh, I'll definitely say something about that vegetation.
She's got some crop circles.
You want to hear some wild data on homosexuality and hormones?
Okay, so years ago when I was a graduate student at Berkeley, I was part of a study.
I wasn't the main author that looked at finger length ratios and homosexuality in men and women and how much testosterone was in utero.
Now, I don't want anyone to freak out and just start staring at their fingers, because it has to be measured correctly.
All right.
All right.
So, so if you hold up your right hand, like I'm holding up my right hand, my ring finger here is a little bit longer than my pointer finger.
Okay.
Which one's ring finger?
Yeah.
So turn it, but turn it the other way around for me.
Yeah.
Okay.
So your ring finger is a little bit longer than your pointer finger.
Yeah.
Okay.
That is the typical heterosexual male pattern.
Okay.
Now, people are going to be like, this is bullshit.
Listen, this has been replicated more than five times in humans.
Okay.
If you look at gay men, men that identify as gay, there are very few men that identify as bisexual, actually.
But if you look at gay men, that difference is much more pronounced, much bigger.
They have a hyper male pattern.
Now, it can't be due to behavior, right?
You could say, well, they're having sex with a lot more people.
Sexy increases testosterone.
No, it's directly related to how much testosterone you were exposed to in utero when you were in your mommy's belly.
Now.
Can you get exposed to testosterone in your mom's belly if someone ejaculates into the mom?
That hasn't been looked at, but I don't think so.
There's a lot to talk about here.
So yeah, you can put that hand down.
Ever since, like, how people call me a lesbian or whatever.
Because of your looks or whatever?
Yes, because sometimes too.
Some lady the other day said, is that a wig on your head?
But the doctor made an assumption at birth because I had one kidney in the way my face looked and assumed and told my parents that I was like there was a high percentage chance that I was Down syndrome.
Yeah.
What do you mean?
Yeah.
Dude, I'll tell you this.
I heard that Frederick Douglass.
I heard Frederick Douglass was gay.
And I'll tell you, who told you?
I've heard it from almost probably almost 15 or 15.
I've heard it from four people.
Where do you go to find the people who tell you that Frederick Douglass is gay?
Look, I'll tell you this.
You must tell you out more interesting places than I was.
It wasn't white people that told me.
Really?
So out of the gate, I've given a little bit more credibility.
And that's why he wanted to free all those men because he was having trouble meeting anybody.
Is that right?
Because everybody was at work.
You know, I'm going to talk.
I'm going to talk.
JD Vance, congratulations, dude.
You stand there like this, but you still flex.
You keep the stomach in and you keep the abs flex and the calf flex and the bison that flex.
So that was the idea.
And I was always having great joy with that.
But then you wait for the individual posing.
So then you come out one after the next.
You do your three-minute posing routine.
And what's the tricks there?
Is there any trick of the trade, a last-minute thing you used?
You would like pinch your tits or just rub some just like molasses into your lamp.
Like, was there what was like a last-minute thing people would do?
Put ice under your arms or something?
No, I think the key thing is just that when you go there, that you're so ready that you don't shake.
How many bodybuilders, I'm sure you've seen it.
They hit a shot and then after a few seconds, they start shaking.
Oh, so that's bad.
Well, for that level, I mean, it's natural when you have a Mr. Venice Beach competition, Mr. Muscle Bee.
You know, that's always a war of temptation in your mind.
There's always going to be that there.
There's always going to be.
Smelling sounds.
Oh, my God.
This is.
Bro, I can already feel a little of that.
God.
Let me ride.
You know what the difference is, Jamie?
Let me ride that a little bit.
You know what the difference is?
This one, I kept this on it.
I didn't even realize I was doing it, but I kept that on it and then it was sealed.
I'll lay on my back in 69.
This thing, bro.
It's hard to get to be strong, Joe.
Quiet.
Don't look at me when I do it.
Hit it.
Hit it.
I didn't get enough.
You didn't get enough?
No, hold on.
You didn't inhale.
You got scared.
You missed.
You're right.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
No.
No, you don't do that.
You don't do that.
You just did scared everyone.
I'm sweating.
I'm sweating too.
Because of that.
How are you?
Are you okay?
Bro, you just changed timelines.
Because of you, Justin Trudeau resigned.
First, I want to talk a little bit more about race and race baiting.
Okay.
Cross-racial behaviors right here.
This is a clip of a white male, let's see, that Druski put together.
I think this is a Jason Kelsey impersonation also Look at this.
Hey, Suanna.
Suanna.
She's going to miss me.
Hey, come on.
You need to link to your nanos.
Cedar point.
No, I'm going to the race.
What race?
NASCAR race.
You going to NASCAR?
Hello, Fitch.
What is this show?
Do you think that kind of racism happens that much, really?
Or this is more like in movies type shit.
I mean, look, dude, I live in New York, so I don't know what it's like in the South, but I know racism exists.
I also know that it's kept alive by the media and the internet and all that stuff because there's so many people that make so much profit off it that you're like, but I mean, I think that's fine.
I mean, Druski doing that is just like a good bit, but I should be able to then fully dress black.
Now, my question is, there was said that there was a prize where whoever won it got to say the n-word one time.
Is that true or not?
I heard that.
Yes.
Okay.
I feel like everybody in their life have said the nigga, the word.
You said it, rapping the song.
It's a part of, bro.
Everyone said it.
And kids, even Tom Brady one time told me, man, my son was asking me about it.
Because it's the curious thing.
It's like you put power on the word.
Like, don't say that because, but words could mean whatever you want them to mean.
It's all about how you take it, interpreting within yourself.
Oh, yeah.
If you say I'm your favorite nigga, it's like, yeah, I'm your favorite black guy.
You know what I'm saying?
If I say you my nigga, that means like, you're my guy.
Like, you my brother.
If somebody says it to, if a black fellow says that to me, I feel pretty good for that.
Yeah, like, you my nigga.
Like, I fuck with you.
Like, we genuinely have a bond that I care about you.
I feel like, okay.
You know what I'm saying?
Let's do it, huh?
I'm trying to buy some fucking J's, you know?
But now, was there, why don't black people lease the N-word out to be said like at a certain event or something?
Because there could be a lot of money in that.
Is that crazy to say that?
I feel like just how you use it.
You know, sometimes.
Oh, I agree.
I don't mean use it in a derogatory way, but say, like, tonight they had like Angelina Jolie was paying 50 bands to say it, right?
On you on a live stream.
That'd be cool.
And you sold.
And you don't want to see how she says it.
So that's the thing.
And you're still saying that.
She feels like she has slaves or she said it.
Because I might be fucking a white girl and be like, yo, call me a nigga.
Oh, damn.
Who are these people?
You don't like that?
Huh?
I have no idea if I like it or not.
But I just think like it's like.
It's prerogative.
Okay.
You know what I mean?
It's like exciting.
It's just like, it's fucking.
And will they do it sometimes?
Yeah.
No way.
Why wouldn't they?
I'll smack them on the ass.
Oh, no.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Oh, I didn't know they're doing all that.
So I guess if somebody's fucking you, you can say it.
That's crazy.
Do you drink coffee, man, or no?
Nah.
Really?
Yeah.
I mean, if you've, you've had it.
I have.
Sometimes on vacation, I'll drink it recreationally.
It's like every once in a while.
Just like a, yeah, just like a celebration.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
Really?
Yeah, no.
I just like hate anything that messes with, like, I don't, I don't like any kind of chemicals or anything like that.
People, a lot of times, like, there's guys who are like kind of, you know, Elon Musk is probably like a socially awkward guy.
And I would say that, I mean, I think, yeah, we all are.
Right.
We all are, right?
I think we all are.
Yeah.
And it's interesting that there's like probably people.
I mean, have you ever felt socially awkward over your years?
No, I'm really smooth.
No, no, no, no, obviously.
Yes.
Yeah.
I'm like the most awkward person.
People have been calling me a robot online for 20 years.
It does wonders for my confidence.
No, your confidence cannot be impaled, I don't think.
That's one thing you have.
There's probably a sheer North Star inside of you.
It's got to be.
Well, I've got to be about to become bulletproof.
I think there's times where, yeah, you seem like a guy who probably like watched a video of how to be a guy on YouTube or something, you know, but I think we all, we all go through like, we're all like awkward in different ways.
You know, you put you in certain environments and you're not at all.
But I think it's interesting that there's always found those environments.
Maybe, you know, it's even being here today, bro, is not that.
What's like one of your fears?
Like, what's a fear you have of AI?
Like if you have like a fearful space that it could go.
Like, I know you mentioned it a little bit.
This morning, I was testing our new model and I got a question.
I got emailed a question that I didn't quite understand.
And I put it in the model, this GPT-5, and it answered it perfectly.
And I really kind of sat back in my chair and I was just like, oh man, here it is moment.
There's a lot of people that talk to ChatGPT all day long.
They're these sort of new AI companions that people talk to like they would a girlfriend or a boyfriend.
And we were talking earlier about how it's probably not been good for kids to like grow up like on the dopamine hit of scrolling.
You know, for sure or whatever.
Do you think that how do you keep like AI from having that same effect, like that negative effect that social media really has had?
I'm scared of that.
I don't have an answer yet.
I don't think we know quite the ways in which it's going to have those negative impacts, but I feel for sure it's going to have some and we'll have to, I hope we can learn to mitigate it quickly.
Can AIs, can they pull up pornography and stuff like that too or now?
Sure.
Oh my God.
God, I didn't know that.
You know, I brought you a present today.
Did you really?
Yeah.
I always like to share new products that I find useful in my life.
And this is a dick laser.
Oh, damn.
What it is, is it's like a laser pointer that is a dick that projects dicks.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
So if anyone's running their mouth too much in here, look at your shoe.
Look what I put on your shoe right there.
Whoa, that's cool.
That's pure cock, huh?
It's pure cock.
There's some variable settings on there too, I think, where you can kind of change what nasty stuff you put.
That's the PG end right there.
That's just your light.
The other end is where you get the dick right there.
Oh.
So this is where you find a suspect like that.
Yeah.
And then the other one's where you embarrass him.
Wow, dude.
Thank you, bro.
Yeah, you're welcome.
I think you could use that.
Anytime anyone's talking too much in here, you just throw one of those across their forehead and it'll shut them up fast.
Oh, you know who I saw yesterday speaking on social media?
The Rizzler.
You ever seen this kid?
Oh, I've seen The Rizzler, yeah.
Dude, I met him in person.
Yes.
I'm having dinner, right?
I was having dinner.
I look over and it's a kid.
And you don't want to look for too long because it's like, it's just not something you do.
And look at him.
Look at him, dude.
Oh, and you got a pick with him, too.
I love it, bro.
Bro, I was so excited.
But it's kind of weird because you don't want to be like, I'm talking to a kid or whatever.
And then, but definitely, dude, I'll say this.
Wait, where were you guys at?
Is that Craig's?
I went to Craig's.
The Rizzler's just hanging out at Craig's.
It blew my mind.
There was like some guy in there who had overdosed on age or something, like some super old guy.
He's like, I'm a producer, you know?
He's like, I produced the Mayflower or whatever.
I was like, that was a fucking boat.
That was a boat in the 1800s.
But yeah, anyway, this is like, this is the coolest thing that ever happened.
So I was so excited.
And not to snitch on him or whatever.
First of all, he had two Pepsis or whatever past 8 p.m., which I think is.
Yeah, that's late.
He's going to, the bedtime stories won't work anymore.
He'll be up all night.
Yep.
Yeah, that's a little late.
And some people say his grades have been suffering.
And I'm like, well, I think he's evolved past grades, right?
He's never going to have to learn anything.
He's just going to be able to do whatever he wants in this world, I think.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's true.
It's a lot.
You got the fourth grade coming up, huh?
Is that true?
Yeah.
Okay.
How are you feeling about it?
Good.
Oh, well, that campaign so bad.
You do?
All right.
How about this?
You have to answer this next question.
I'll let you blow it out.
Okay.
What's one of your biggest fears about the fourth grade coming up?
Something that you might, that's, you know, got you maybe a little bit nervous.
I don't know.
I'm not very nervous.
Really?
Yeah.
All right.
Deal.
Yes.
My dad.
Yeah, you gotta get on top of that bad boy.
Yeah, there we go.
Look at that smoke.
Oh, yeah.
Tell me about it, brother.
Hit some over here.
I'm gonna call my sponsor, brother.
Yeah, that's what I'm talking about, brother.
God, I'll freaking light up a whole freaking couple pounds of that.
Now it smells even better than you.
It does, doesn't it?
I love that.
It's like a bird.
That's like when you get a birthday cake and get to blow it out.
Yeah.
That's the best, man.
What is this in my pocket?
There's gloves in my pocket.
Are there really?
Let me see.
Are you a criminal?
What is these for crime or whatever?
I guess so.
I guess so.
I don't know.
Oh, yeah.
I guess I'm a detective.
Ew.
Oh, yeah.
I'm a detective now, huh?
Let me check this for fingerprints.
Yeah, I like that, huh?
BLM, homie.
This is dope.
I like that.
Yeah.
Dude, what if you do the dark ribs?
Fingerprint?
Nuh-uh.
Whose is that?
An elf?
I don't know.
Yeah.
Yeah, probably just some local scoundrel.
Dude, you ever do this in the glove?
What's that like?
Ooh.
That's really black tie affair, huh?
They smell pretty good.
Yeah.
What's one of your favorite smells, you think?
Sharpies.
Brother, let's light that candle again, huh?
Do you think the Bill Belichick thing has adjusted the dating, the way that dating is looked?
Because it's kind of a big, like, he kind of opened the portal.
Like, the portal's open for older men.
Yeah, there's a, my parents have a big difference too.
Yeah, totally.
I mean, this is this is a huge difference.
I don't know how many years' difference is it.
I also changed my probably 50 years, bro.
No, Riley Mao, how many years?
24 and 74, I believe.
That's 50.
No.
Bro, that is 50, man.
I just crunched the numbers.
I don't know if there's actual ages, but that is 50.
What do you say to people who say that's 50, dude?
But the only thing is, I change my opinions a lot.
So if this could be outdated, like, I'll change my opinion on this tomorrow.
Dude, all I'm saying is the portal is open for old men and young women.
This is the, I mean, the portal's open now.
And it's probably easier than ever to meet them.
There's probably, there's so many apps and stuff where you can, and I don't, and girls seem to be really attracted to guys who have money and guys who are successful.
And they don't seem to care about looks.
And it doesn't seem like they care about age as much.
Is that true?
Is that crazy to say?
People look younger than ever.
What age difference are they?
Can you just fucking tell me a number?
Sorry, Riley, but damn.
You fucking have a computer you're working with.
Never mind.
Jesus Christ.
Just stick to coming, dude.
Stick to coming.
My on and off again girlfriend, she's only 25.
She's in Columbia.
January 7th of this year, how she hit me with a pot of fettuccine noodles that I was boiling.
I'm frying some chicken parmesan, making fettuccine noodles and making the vegetables.
And then when I was moving out of the kitchen, she began looking at the stuff on the stove.
And I was hoping that she did not grab the chicken Parmesan with the vegetable oil in it.
And instead, she grabbed the pot with my fettuccine.
And I said to her, Don't do it.
If you do it, you're going to go to jail.
And then, and then she picked it up.
And as I turned to run, I felt it hit me.
And when it hit me, I ran out of my door and I was screaming, ah, you really burnt me.
And then my dog, Snowy, Snowy started trying to attack her then.
How did that feel when that first hit you, man?
When that chiny hit you, bro, what it is.
It stung something fierce.
I screamed, ah, this shit stings.
And I ran out my door and I said to her, you burnt me.
There you are right now.
And that's it.
Damn, look at this shit here.
You look like a model in one of those like fashion shows or something.
And what my friend said to me was, this is like some BCBRG Maxes area, bro.
You look like a damn blackstronaut, bro.
God, you fucking look like you're going to space right there.
I'll show you my wife's penis if you wanted me.
She wouldn't care.
Yeah, she wouldn't care.
Oh, dude, maybe just do a drawing of it for me.
Okay.
All right.
You think?
Just show it.
I'll kind of go like this a little.
All right.
I won't show it on camera just because.
Just show it to me.
I don't want to see all of it at once.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I can't show it on camera because she's a lady.
She wouldn't care for that.
No lady wants their penis shown completely on camera.
Oh, for sure.
Dude, I don't even want to fucking look at it.
Oh, I won't show it to you if you don't want to look at it.
No, I'm okay.
Let me see here.
Hold on.
I won't just hit you with it.
Yeah, this don't surprise me.
You don't be like, let me find an acceptable photo that she would be proud of.
Okay.
No, no, she wouldn't like that.
That's a video.
I'll find one for you.
Yeah.
Take your time.
I'm going to think about something else for just a minute.
All right.
You want to see?
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
Whoa, brother.
What?
Oh, my God, Jim.
Your wife has that?
That's my lady.
That's my best gal.
Wow.
That is a tall pussy.
She's a tall lady.
She's a tall lady.
Oh, that thing's in 4-H, huh?
Yeah.
Oh, you got to spray some Roundup on that.
Because back then in the UK, nobody was doing YouTube, you know?
It was just a weird thing for someone to do a stand-up to do.
Other stand-ups would be like, oh, yeah, he's just a YouTuber, you know, that kind of thing.
Yeah, it's a slur, right?
Yeah, YouTuber.
Yeah, YouTuber.
No hard R on it.
YouTuber.
Yeah, that's crazy.
YouTuber, please.
Yeah, dude.
Oh, have you heard that song?
YouTubers Can Be Gay Too?
Yeah.
Have you heard it?
No.
I want you.
You got to hear this song.
It's great.
It's just like a, it's a summer bop that's really taking over.
And then we'll get back to this.
Hell yeah.
What a banger.
This is that banger, bro.
We got to remix this shit for the summer, dude.
Yeah.
Very hard to sing along.
That's in your car.
You're going to say this in your car.
Yeah, you just say this to your friend.
He's not wrong, though.
They can be gay.
I support this guy.
Yeah.
Hey, this guy has a vote for me, bro.
It needs to be said.
Yeah.
That's too much toxic masculinity in that and N-word community sometimes.
Yeah.
You got to let the air out the tire.
That's what I'm saying, boy.
Sometimes the best seasoning is a little bit of zest.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Ginger's traveling in packs is a dangerous, dangerous thing.
You know, we don't really see each other like that.
You know, like we don't.
When I see another redhead, there was a redheaded girl yesterday working this event that we were at, and she was like, my brother.
And I said, let's take it easy because I don't know if you're an enemy or a friend yet.
You know, a regular person I meet on the street, hey, how you doing?
Another redhead, I go, I'd like to see the resume first before I let you into my space.
Because I don't know what kind of ginger they are.
There's different levels, really?
Is there really?
Oh, big time.
It's almost like black people and that albino guy or whatever.
You know, that guy I'm talking about?
Yeah, that undercover black guy.
Bring that guy up.
Yeah.
That's got to be, there's got to be a vetting process, you know?
Like, can the albino black guy?
Does he say the N-word?
Bring up a couple albagas.
Is that a term?
It is now, dude.
Can we say that or not?
Look at that.
Black albino guy with red hair.
Oh, that's what the fuck is all, bro.
That is the future, dude.
Bro, take my money, bro.
Whatever he's selling.
And I don't know if that's more me or more if he's more red or more black.
I don't know what group he'd go with.
I mean, he's invited to the cookout and has to have ring sunscreen, which is wild.
Dude, that's fucking sunlight Jackson, homie.
Are you kidding me?
Dude, are we getting in trouble for saying albigas?
I don't know, bro.
I don't know.
I'm going to have a little sip of Celsius because I need to pick me up.
Have you ever had this before?
No, not this.
No, is it?
Is it good?
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's great.
I saw it.
It's grape, so it's like really good.
I'm going to have to try this stuff.
Can you have a little bit?
Yeah.
No alcohol.
No, okay.
So, what does it have?
It's like water.
Ooh, mine's cherry-cola flavored.
It's like spicy stuff.
It's like a little bit of ADD, kind of.
Oh, dude.
This stuff actually tastes like the grapes that you squeeze out of the, like, not the grapes that you eat from the store, but like the Amish grapes that you can buy, like the wines that you squeeze out of the what do you call that?
The skin.
Have you ever had those grapes where you just squeeze them out and you swallow them?
Uh-uh.
Yeah, it tastes just like this.
Really?
Yeah.
Let's get a look at those Amish purple grapes.
Yeah, they're, yeah, that's how they look.
And those, you know, how the stores, like, they have no seats in them.
Like, these have like a seat in them.
You just squeeze them out and then you swallow them because if you try to eat them, like chew on them, like, um, like you just bite into the seat and stuff.
Oh, you just squeeze them out.
This actually tastes exactly like that.
So it must be very natural.
Yes, sir.
It's the best, man.
That'll taste very good.
That'll get you home, brother.
That'll get you home.
Yeah.
So if this, I saw that, does it have caffeine in it?
Yeah, it has a little bit of caffeine.
So I'll be like moving around.
Yeah, you'll be feeling something.
Yeah.
Dude, that was the best.
I don't know.
I don't know if you're recording, but I mentioned before that that dude was awesome.
And you said you were in contact with him.
Yeah.
And my question was, how?
Dude, we got to send you over there to see that guy.
I would love to hang with that dude.
Some things I take for granted.
Oh, yeah.
When he was just like stoked to like getting a Corvette with like two chicks.
And he's like, that was like my whole life.
And I'm like, oh, goes pretty fast, dude.
Yeah, it goes.
Press the pedal.
Yeah.
So it made me super reflective.
Like, and like, one, I thought he was adorable.
Yeah, he's nice.
Yeah, nice and like very honest and earnest.
But I also was just like, man, I got to stop taking shit like that for granted.
I mean, I filmed episodes.
We did an episode about assassins that was just a couple of miles from my home in LA.
And I interviewed an assassin, a guy who's paid to kill just a couple of miles in LA, an undisclosed location, but in LA, not far from my house.
It's insane.
And so we met.
And so we get there.
He's on, it's at night, undisclosed place, but very close to my home.
And he's waiting outside the car.
And the moment I get there, you could see he's like jittery and nervous and not happy.
And he was there because his friend asked for this favor.
And in his case, sometimes it's easier for me to sort of have that human connection and try to talk about how I want to understand what they do.
His case, he was just not.
He was like, okay, here are the ground rules.
And he said, immediately, see this?
First thing he pulled out his gun, he said, showed me his gun.
He's like, if this is a fucking setup, if the police shows up, I'm going to point this.
I'm going to shoot you all of you.
You and your team, you're all dead.
It's like, okay.
And so the rest of the interview was me being super afraid that what if police shows up?
Not because I'm there, but what if they just, what if a car just drives by?
And he doesn't have to be able to do that.
What if some chubby cops hiding from his shift over here right off the edge of his DSW shoes or something?
Exactly.
So I was so scared.
I was so scared.
And I think it was the shortest interview we've ever done.
I think it lasts like 15, 20 minutes.
But also because, you know, there's the question, the initial questions is, what do you do?
How often have you done it?
Why do you do it?
How do you live with yourself doing this kind of thing?
I always, the accountability questions, I always ask them.
But the part that he didn't like, it wasn't actually like, do you know that you're doing harm to people?
This is what you're doing is horrible.
Like, do you feel guilty about this?
The questions he didn't actually like was when I started asking him, he says, I only kill men, no women, and children.
And I asked him, but do you have children?
And basically, obviously, I was trying to get to the point that even if the child doesn't kill their parent, the dad is killed, that's horrible.
But he's already better than Netanyahu, no?
He's like, don't ask me questions about my children.
Don't, you're trying to get all soft on me.
He got, he was like, his macho persona was getting, you know, he didn't like that.
He didn't like talking about his children.
No.
Because it probably made things very personal for him.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think part of his persona being a hitman is that he, you know, you can't show emotion.
Right.
That's what.
And so I was threatening to him in the sense that I was trying to get emotion out of him and he was not okay with it.
And he said, is this over?
And yeah, and then we left.
Theo, you're going to be the primary in this one, okay?
You got it.
The subject's name is Michael Brady.
He goes by Mike.
Okay, sir.
Hello.
Hey, Mike.
Yeah, who's this?
Oh, this is Theo, actually.
I'm working.
I'm here today, man.
Just I really screwed up, didn't I, man?
I think it seems like you've had a tough day.
I have had a tough day, but I mean, I screwed up this time, didn't I?
I think you're probably enough to answer some questions, you know, but I think everything's going to be okay, man.
How's it going to be okay?
This girl, this girl's pregnant, man.
I mean, how am I going to face anyone after this?
Well, I think you're going to have to.
Her dad's going to be pissed.
Yeah.
I mean, yeah, people are going to be upset.
I'm not thinking about her dad.
I'm thinking about my family.
Okay.
People are going to, yeah, it's going to be, yeah, man.
It sucks.
Okay.
It sucks.
But here we are.
Yeah.
I mean, how am I going to face my son?
Your son's pretty upset right now.
Yeah, he is.
Of course he is.
I knocked up a 14-year-old girl.
I'm a youth pastor in a church.
I teach in a school.
My life is over.
Give me a good reason why I shouldn't just put this thing to my head and my brains out.
Because your son's life is still around.
And that's not what he needs right now.
You're probably right about that.
But you know, how can I face him, man?
I think you call him first.
Call him and say what?
What would you say in that situation?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I would say I would tell him the truth.
I would say I messed up.
And you think that's the answer?
Tell him I messed up.
I know I messed up.
I think it's part of it.
I know you know you did, but he probably doesn't know what's going on.
He doesn't.
Is he out there right now?
Yeah.
You want me to put him on?
Would you?
Yeah.
Okay.
How do you feel?
How do you think you did?
Was that intense?
It is intense.
It is intense.
Fuck, it's intense.
Because you're like, even if you get to that part, is he just going to tell the son goodbye?
Exactly.
See, you see, Theo, you are super wise, brother.
That's exactly why we wouldn't put the son on the phone because that's exactly what he would likely do.
He would try, he would likely, and so this is why we train.
This is why we train.
We had some guy cut off his own dick and threw it on the sidewalk.
Oh, for what?
Because he was, he was crazy.
He was mentally ill, but we don't know any of this.
So the call came in in the morning.
I was on the way in.
It was early in the morning.
It was cold out.
I remember that.
Oh, yeah.
I have the radio on and I hit the dispatcher call a car and then start to laugh.
And then she says, disregard.
We don't know what's happened.
So I'm driving to the station and then a call comes in again, sending a different car because it was like the midnight shift ending.
Sending a different car.
Hey, can you go to this location?
Someone said there's some male and a piece of male anatomy on the sidewalk.
And we were all laughing.
We thought it was, we just thought it was a dildo.
We thought it was a joke.
That's why the dispatcher was laughing.
You just thought it was like a WNBA game or whatever.
It wasn't green.
Call comes in like 10 minutes later.
And my detective that I was working at the time looked it up on the computer to see the text of the call.
Like, what does this actually say?
And then we saw that the caller was from a nearby health center.
And it said, there's, you know, it look appears to be a penis on the ground.
There's blood everywhere.
We're like, oh, shit, that's that's not fake.
So we would do what we call Johnstings and we'd put ads online.
Back page doesn't exist anymore, but we'd put them on that.
So we'd all put our ads up.
And then, you know, you put on eight at 8:30, your phone's ringing.
It's crazy.
8:30 in the morning, they're already starting to call, and we'd set up our dates for the day.
Like we'd have a hotel room and we'd be waiting in the hotel room and we'd have dates set up every half an hour to show up.
And we got hot under the bed.
No, no, it's hiding under the bed.
I would have to open the door and there'd be like guys like in the bathroom, officers in the bathroom behind the wall.
So my trick was, and I was at like 45, 46 when I was doing it.
And my ad, I'm supposed to be 34.
I didn't fucking look 34, but I opened the door.
I'd have like my.
Who would be the girl?
Oh, I was the prostitute.
Yeah.
What?
Yeah.
What were y'all?
So I have to talk to them on the phone.
Were we all understaffed or something?
They just shouldn't have you also the detective.
Well, no, you have to have, you're the one, you're the one establishing probable cause.
So it, it, if, if someone else is doing it and then you have to like go testify in court, well, you're not the one that had the interaction with them.
So what we do, we put our ad on the online, you'd put your photos and some stupid saying, like, you know, what you're offering and how much it costs.
So it's, and of course, there's acronyms for everything.
That's what I didn't know anything about this before I started about GFE, which is girlfriend experience, which means he'll kiss you.
Full service means like sex and a blowjob.
And then there's like Russian and Greek.
And there's all these stupid acronyms for everything else.
And they, they thought they were being clever by saying, oh, I want GFE.
So they're not asking for sex.
Oh, I see.
So by them saying, I want GFE or I want Russian or I want this, they think they're being clever, except you can say, like, well, based on my training experience, I know Russian means titty job, like, or whatever.
And then, so you talk, they call you on the phone.
Titty job.
Yeah, that's a Russian, by the way.
I didn't know that.
I'll take it.
I mean, whatever they're getting.
You know, I mean, it is.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Okay.
So you'd basically talk to them on the phone.
They call you.
And some of them are real nervous, obviously.
You could tell the long timer.
They got right to business.
And some of them want to flirt with you on the phone or whatever.
Can you send pictures of your eyes or your feet?
The foot fetish guys are out there big time.
But and then you're like, the more you do it, I'm like, I don't have time for this shit.
Like, do you want to come?
You were showing up or not.
So you'd basically make the arrangement.
So once they showed up, you already have probable cause.
They always already agreed to pay you for sex before they ever showed up.
So then by them showing up at the hotel, they're like basically completing the entire elements of the crime.
They showed up.
They already agreed to pay you for such and such.
So then you can arrest them.
Right.
When they get there, really.
Yeah.
The amount of content that was being uploaded to Pornhub, if you put those videos back to back, just the amount of content they would upload in one year, it would take 169 years to watch if you put those videos back to back.
That's how much content was being uploaded.
Uploaded or had been uploaded total, you mean?
No, per year.
Wow.
Yes.
That's not even counting the images.
Unbelievable.
So I tested it.
I found out, like I said, what millions of people already knew.
And that was that all it took to upload was an email address.
So in under 10 minutes, anybody with an iPhone anywhere in the world can upload a video and they were not checking age.
They were not checking ID to make sure that these are not children in the videos.
They're not verifying consent to make sure that these are not rape or trafficking victims.
And because of that, I quickly understood that Pornhub was not a porn site.
It was a crime scene.
Like it was infested with videos of real sexual crime.
And then of course, because there's the algorithm, right?
They have set up the algorithm to make sure if you see one video like that, they're going to assume that you like that content.
So then they're going to take you on a crazy rabbit hole.
I call it like, you know, just hellhole of rape.
Like that's what it was.
And then you go and they'll show you more and more of the same kind of thing, you know.
And so then the people would upload them and then make money, what, off of advertising on them somehow?
Yes.
Yeah.
So the, so the ones that were making money off of this content, because this is free porn, right?
Right.
Free porn is not free, right?
It is heavily monetized with ads.
So they were selling 4.6 billion ad impressions on Pornhub every single day.
But that's the whole point of America is that we have like standards of decency, fairness.
I love that you use that word because that is the core of it.
It's fairness.
Justice is overused.
Fairness is underused.
It's just a child knows what's fair.
If his brother's getting three Oreos and he's getting one, that's just unfair.
He doesn't have a degree in economics.
He just feels it.
He knows it.
The sense of fairness is innate.
Dogs have it because it's part of the natural fabric.
It's organic.
And we are a fair country.
And the rich man gets the same treatment in the justice system as the poor man.
It doesn't matter where you're from.
You're both citizens and you're both equal because you're both created by God.
That's our whole system in one sentence.
And that is being eroded because the people who run our system agree with Smotrich and every other third world dictator.
These people are damned by their birth, whatever they are.
That's what affirmative action is.
It's like, no, I don't like the way your parents looked.
You don't get the job.
What?
That's what we hated about the Nazis, what we hated about segregation, which I want to say was evil.
Segregation was evil.
Why?
Because it punished some people and rewarded others on the basis of things they couldn't control, their skin color.
Yeah.
And we'd have had mixed babies a lot sooner, too, which are pretty cute, a lot of them.
And the Epstein thing, you know, I've never understood what the justification for keeping that information secret.
Epstein was murdered in prison.
Okay.
I know a lot about it.
I'm not just throwing that out there.
Epstein was murdered in prison.
Well, they put him with a cellmate that was kind of a crazy, like former police officer, right?
Yeah, a former police officer killed a number of drug dealers.
I'm not saying that guy did it, but I'm saying, well, I asked Bureau of Prisons because I learned all the stuff about it because I know Epstein's brother, Mark, well.
And I never expected to go down this rabbit hole at all.
I had the guy called me like a week after his brother was killed.
Mark did?
Yeah.
And yeah, I was literally sitting in my backyard in Maine and he called me and I don't know how he got my cell.
And it ended up this years long thing.
It's not interesting and I won't bore you with it, but the bottom line is Jeff Epstein was murdered in federal lockup in Manhattan in the secure unit.
I think there were only 16 men on the unit and I think only 14 there that I may have that slightly wrong, but it's very small and it's the most secure federal lockup in the United States and he got murdered in it.
So that raises all kinds of obvious questions like who has the power to do that?
So it's a big deal.
And then the attorney general at the time helped cover it up.
And I know him and Bill Barr.
So I and I say that and he's like, well, I'm going to sue you.
And I said, go ahead and sue me.
I hope you will.
Israel is actually the exception.
They are the only country that's allowed to lobby Americans.
Like everyone else has to register as a foreign agent under Farah.
Like with APAC or whatever?
Yeah.
So APAC, the backstory, by the way, before JFK got shot, he was fighting AIPAC.
They were previously called, I'm blanking on this.
It was, you can look it up.
And he was literally saying you have to register under the Foreign Act.
And then APAC got lucky because he got shot and killed.
Also, you could like.
And then, of course, we're not allowed to read the files, but leading up to his death, he was having arguments with the prime minister, Ben Guerran.
And so it's like, yes, is Israel doing it legally because a president got shot?
Sure, but it's wrong.
There should you, a country should not be able to lobby to get what they want and control our congressmen.
And you get to see them flex that muscle like TikTok and things of nature when they are now interfering with our speech and they'll get laws passed really quickly.
It allows literally a foreign country to make decisions in our nation.
Lobbying should just not be allowed full stop.
So instead, they go, oh, well, you're focusing on it because they're Jewish.
No, you're just the only country that's allowed to do it.
I would feel the same way if China, if there was a Chinese lobby that was spending.
No, there's no other country that's allowed to do this but Israel.
Only APAC.
There's no other country.
There's a conflict that's been happening in the Middle East.
People know about it between Israel and Palestine and some of the areas over there, the Gaza area they talk about.
And I just think it's, it feels to me, I don't know if I, it just, it feels to me like it's a genocide that's happening while we're alive here in front of our in front of our lives.
And I, I, I don't sometimes I feel like I should say something.
I'm not a geologist or geographer or anything like that, you know, so I don't know a lot of the some of it I do know, though.
Like I know the basics of the issues over there.
But for me, it's just like how I feel.
Like you see all these photos of people just children, women, people, body parts, just people like putting their kids back together.
And I just can't believe that we're watching that and that more isn't said about it.
And so I'm not saying anyone else needs to say anything, but I think I'm just that more isn't said about it by me.
So I just, I want to be able to speak up about that.
That I think we're watching probably like, you know, one of the sickest things that's ever happened.
And I'm sorry if I kind of haven't said about it.
I've tried to talk about it and learn about it.
But I don't know.
Maybe I just want to, I just wanted to say something.
I don't even know what to do.
You know, and it's crazy because our country is also complicit in it.
You know, it's in it and has been for a long time.
And it's just kind of interesting because then you just realize, oh, well, I'm just a, yeah, I'm a member of this country, but I'm just what we want sometimes doesn't matter, you know, and you just have to be a member of a place and your government is making other choices.
So I don't know if I've, I don't know if I said that correctly or I don't even know exactly what I said, but I just, I just have, it's just like been making me really sick.
And I feel like I just needed to say something that I think you don't have to think that.
I'm not asking you to do anything, but I just have to say that.
So I'm not sitting by, you know, there's that peace inside of you.
I mean, like, why wouldn't you, can you say something?
You know, there's people that can't even speak and you can say something, you know, and so that's how I just had to speak up.
Anyway, I think maybe it's starting to make it about me there at the end.
But yeah, so just praying for those people and just the grief that that is all going to cause, you notice, like, what are we doing?
What were situations like with children there and providing care to children?
Like, what was the realities of that?
Like, was, were you able to like save any, like keep them from the gore?
Like, was there, you know, because usually, you know, a lot of times with, in, there's like children's hospitals and, you know, there's hospitals and then there's places for kids, right?
It's a little bit different and less severe.
What was that like there?
So there was a kids' hospital, but it wasn't the trauma hospital.
So all the kids' trauma still came to Nostra Hospital.
They're right next to each other.
And so we were seeing all the kid trauma as well.
And the kid trauma was different, man.
Just so, you know, difficult to see and experience.
It was difficult to process, difficult to treat, difficult to talk to the family members with these children.
I mean, you're seeing, you're seeing kids as young as one, you know, sometimes, you know, infants, but majority of them are like, you know, young boys, young girls.
And just why?
In the Khan Unis, there's a tent city.
One third of Gaza all live in this place called Mawasi camp.
I'll send you a picture of this.
And it's just tense.
Like you literally just find a plot of land, you put your tent down, and you have like 20 family members living in there.
Yeah.
So like each one of those is a tent, right?
Is it crazy looking?
Yeah, it's not like just you and your wife.
It's like you and your wife and your family and kids and in-laws.
So this is kind of the new Gaza here.
It's one third of Gaza's right here.
Wow.
What's the vibes here, man?
I know that's a crazy thing to say.
Like it's a damn nightclub or something, but it's like they got a bouncer up front.
You know, you see kids playing on trampolines.
You see kids being kids.
Yeah.
You see fathers kind of, you know, sulking, trying to figure out like what to do.
You see mothers kind of just hiding in their tents trying to take care of their little ones.
You see grandpas kind of like hanging out with other grandpas.
You see what you would expect a normal life to be.
And that's what it is.
These people are normal civilians just living their life.
I just, I fear what's going to happen in the next generation.
Like we're going to see some not only psychological diseases, psychiatric diseases, but also literally physical diseases that's going to come about.
The more we learn about history, the more we learn about just like the like, well, America did these things and some of it, 9-11 could have been the result of some of that.
Just the more you start to learn that America hasn't always been this perfect partner and this, that it just starts to test like, okay, well, what does it mean to be an American to me?
But then at the same time, you need to be an American because you live in a country that's safe and you're able to operate here within the country.
So it's, I don't know, it just makes it kind of interesting.
Does that make sense?
No, I get it.
What you're exhibiting is a very normal contradiction that a lot of Americans, when faced with the reality of American foreign policy, they come to terms with this.
Like they try to, they try to resolve this contradiction where on the one hand, you're saying, well, I'm an American.
I like the security blanket that I exist under.
Right.
But also simultaneously, you're like, but damn, we're doing a lot of fucked up shit around the world.
I mean, look, I'm a people always yell at me and say, oh, Hassan, you only say America bad, but I don't just stop at that.
Like, I want America to be good.
I think America has incredible potential.
It's the wealthiest nation on the planet.
Should be doing so much more to help its own citizens and so much more to lead the way, pave the way for a new evolution of the way that we look at international relations than the way that we engage with conflict.
But the reason why America is the way it is is because I see it as basically, you know, 50 corporations in a trench suit.
Like it's just a holdover to extract tax revenue from everyday Americans and then give it directly back to corporations in the form of subsidies without ever regulating them and demanding anything in return.
Lincoln, as a young lawyer, not yet 29 years old, 28 years old, addresses the Young Men's Lyceum in Springfield, Illinois, and they're discussing foreign policy.
And he says, whence shall we expect the approach of danger?
Shall some transatlantic giant step the earth and crush us at a blow?
And then he answers his own question, never.
All the armies of Europe, Asia, and Africa could not by force take a drink in the Ohio River or make a track in the Blue Ridge in a trial of a thousand years.
If destruction be our lot, we must ourselves be its author and finisher.
We are a nation of free men who will live forever or die by suicide.
Wow.
So there's our challenge, right?
You want to get self-involved.
You want to make your neighbor your enemy.
You want to make lots of them.
Then you are headed towards that self-destruction that Lincoln's talking about.
You want to figure out what we share in common, this corny sort of civic virtue, civic energy that comes from the Declaration of Independence, like how you can work together to do it.
And, you know, a lot of people who are unbelievable citizens, it's like they go to the school board meeting.
They participate in, you know, I live in New England and we have a town meeting.
And, you know, sometimes the biggest decision is whether to buy a new pumper for the fire department.
That's a big deal.
That's civics.
That's dealing with the stuff.
And it's also saying, I've got to vote and I have a responsibility as a citizenship to do it.
And then we'll save our country.
Then, you know, if you like the abstraction of disagreement and violence and all that sort of stuff, where suddenly just because your feed tells you one thing that somebody's an enemy, then you're lost.
But if you look across the room and you say, you know, I don't share in common that much with somebody who comes from Louisiana and lives in Tennessee.
I was born in Brooklyn and grew up in Delaware and Michigan and now I've lived in New England for the last, you know, 54 years.
What would we have in common?
We share a love of those ideas.
We share a love of that process, the pursuit of happiness.
God.
See, the thing is, man, if Trump succeeds at the reshoring effort with the tariffs.
Yeah, that's part of it.
But if in general he gets manufacturing reinvigorated in this country, then there's going to be a challenge that a lot of people aren't talking about, which is labor.
Right.
So there's, in January, there were 482,000 open positions in manufacturing in this country, right?
480,000 open positions.
If he gets his way and this all gets reinvigorated, you're talking about two or three million new jobs.
But there's no workforce sitting there going, this is what I want to do.
Or prepared to do it?
So there's a skills gap for sure.
Okay.
But there's also a will gap.
Right.
Donald Trump is going down a road.
And if he succeeds, he's going to create millions of manufacturing jobs in a country that currently has nearly 500,000 manufacturing jobs open because the people who run those factories can't find people who want to do the work.
So it's not enough to create the jobs.
Right.
And look, a lot of your listeners are probably thinking, well, make the pay better.
Make it more.
Make it more interesting.
Make it more palatable.
And we can have that conversation for sure.
But the bigger issue still is there's no enthusiasm for the work.
We took shop class out of high school.
We robbed kids of the opportunity to even see what that kind of work even looks like.
Meanwhile, we told a whole generation of kids they were screwed if they didn't get a four-year degree.
Thomas Massey, thanks for coming in, man.
Absolutely.
Good to see you, dude.
Good to be here.
Just had to cross the state border to get here.
Yeah, that's what I see from Kentucky.
And you drove, like you just took me into your home, in your camper home vehicle.
It's a F-250 with a truck camper.
And I lived for two solid years in it in D.C. Still occasionally do.
And where would you park that thing at?
Well, I don't want to disclose where I parked, but I did get in trouble.
I parked the truck camper.
It's a super duty.
It's got a, even though it fits in the back of a pickup, it's got a shower, bathroom, stove, and a front.
Oh, it felt super when I was in there.
That living arrangement in there, I could have definitely cozied up.
It felt very cool.
The milk felt cold in there.
We had a little cup of milk, which is definitely raw milk.
Yeah, I'm sure.
Hopefully.
Don't tell anybody across state lines with that.
It's holiday time, and that means sitting down and eating and watching loved ones eat.
Sometimes it can get a little chaotic.
I remember my aunt, we went to her house one year and she'd made a cornbread dressing type of deal and had not cooked it, hadn't cooked it, forgot she hadn't cooked it, and just put it out with the other stuff and everybody ate it.
And it was just, people thought it was just like a weird soup or something.
It was horrible.
But that's life.
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Contraception begins at erection now.
So there's a law that they're pushing.
Ohio Democratic lawmakers propose conception begins at erection.
Okay.
So they're trying to put it on the men a little bit more.
So what exactly are they going to do about this now?
Well, a new bill in Ohio would make it a crime for men to ejaculate without intending to have a baby.
Oh, wow.
That is, that's definitely something that I could see a lot of people probably would be guilty of for sure.
Hey, shooters shoot, you know?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I could see that being, I mean, I don't want to get into too much personal detail, but I think I'd probably be locked up for a long time.
Hey, yeah.
Oh, we're going to visit Tom this weekend again.
You know, he's behind bars.
Yeah, my gosh.
I thought he was going to get paroled.
Plenty of time to break the law in jail, though.
$10,000 per discharge.
Whew.
But here's the thing.
Some dudes are just running around skeeting or whatever they call it.
And I don't know what they call it in different countries, but they're not going to have an extra $10K on them.
You're going to have the court system would be filled with every kid in the world, every 14-year-old kid.
Yeah, I mean, I'm assuming, yeah, does this, I don't, I don't know how much I want to talk about this in detail with you.
You don't get pregnant on your own.
I was so lucky because you used to do a little sniffy-jiffy, I heard.
And it is fun.
There are negatives, but we always start with the positives, especially about that.
If I could afford more when I was parking cars and being a busboy, I would have definitely gone crazy.
I could not, thank God.
I could do a quarter gram in a week and then I just, I could only afford 25 bucks.
That was it.
And even that wasn't money well spent, but don't get all excited.
You're getting a boner.
It is exciting.
I mean, talking about it, doing it, it was fun.
It was hard to just quit it, but it's just, I just watch and you go, no way to have a career.
There's no way to have anything good with all this pressure and shit you got to do.
And people like to rat you out.
And people like to say, this guy, you know, he's a little fucking a little power flower now and then.
So if they start getting that word out there, I luckily never got that word.
I didn't do any of the whole SNL.
And that's the funniest part is that I did dabble a little bit before that just because I was in fucking show biz.
And you're from Arizona.
You're from Scottsdale.
Yeah.
Snottsdale.
Yeah.
Well, it doesn't mean it wasn't really the cocaine capital of the world, but you know, I was in the comedy business and a couple of guys had it.
And I was like, fucking, I would partake just for fun.
And obviously.
And then but one time I did a lot and I was like, yeah.
I feel like I should go to the hospital.
You know, keep saying.
And then you'll walk over there.
That's the craziest is.
No, you can sprint it.
No, because the funny thing is you just turn into John Benet.
One bump and I'm like, oh, I'm a Yankee Doodle dandy and I'm feeling great.
And then I made my friend drive me and I got there and he's like, and it was freezing and I was shaking and tight.
And he goes, you got to go in there.
And he goes, but they're going to ask because I didn't stand up for about a year.
Right.
And they go, they're going to ask.
And they're going to, they're going to have to call the police.
I go, no, no, no.
Extra scared.
And he cranks the heater on in the car, and I'm starting to fucking sweat.
But this is a good friend because he was there with me for three hours.
He goes, I'll let you, you should go in there in a second, but just tell me more.
And I was like, I was calming down.
This was the trick.
I didn't know this.
And my heart was going from like 3,000 over 2,000 to like started to get back to normal.
And then it got light out.
And then I go, let's go home.
So gross.
And then I go, I'll never do it again.
Four days later, hey, dude.
Yeah.
I'm fucking jinking.
What a great guy.
There's me.
And they make me jump.
Oh, yeah.
That's that's why people gravitate to you because there's nobody like you.
Well, thanks, man.
I feel the same about you.
I feel like everybody does.
And you have a statue of me at your house.
So, you know.
So, yeah, thank you, man.
Yeah.
Thank you for letting them even do that statue.
What was that whole deal like with them, with Michaels?
That's where I got mine at Michaels.
Right.
Yeah.
Did you do it?
Was it a collab or what was it?
Nope.
Nope.
They just robbed my image and likeness because they could.
Because they were doing it for religious purposes.
I allowed it to be.
Well, thank you.
Wish you a black Christmas.
Hey, man.
Look, I'd be honored to have one.
I'd be honored to have one.
Yeah, man.
Because, yeah, when I met that guy there, he said, we got two left, man.
You know, and there was 200, and one of them was marked down because it had a chip in it.
But it's still Manitor.
I keep it up in my house year-round.
And people walk in and they're like, no way, that's Cat William right there.
It is.
And it's beautiful, man.
Thank you.
Yeah.
This was in Covington, Louisiana.
But, but yeah, they had about 13 miles from Slidell.
Yeah, there you go.
Wow.
Map Williams in the building, baby.
But, and that's when I realized everybody's, dude, what about being the first gay dude ever?
It must have been crazy.
Imagine everybody's straight, right?
And you wake up or something happens, you get hit by lightning or whatever.
And suddenly you're gay and you're like, oh my God, like you're just talking to your buddy who you've talked to every day for years.
And you're just like thinking, I'm going to stuff his fucking face with some wiener.
And you're like, what?
And then you like, don't like, imagine that.
Because then you have to take some other guy aside or somebody aside and be like, hey, this is going to seem totally crazy to you guys.
But I keep thinking about coming on Jacob or whatever, you know?
And people were like, yeah, that does sound crazy.
Don't tell anyone that.
Don't tell anyone that.
You're the only one that thinks that.
The guy trying to jerk me off in the back of a bus in Vietnam.
You did?
Yeah.
And the guy was gay?
I don't fucking know what their, I don't know what their culture is.
That's a big sign usually.
Dude, they're starving over there.
Like, I could have been ordering soup.
Dude, you joke it ends in soup.
Jewish people love it for some reason.
I'm just thinking it's a little cold.
I'll eat half and send it back, but I like that joke.
I'll eat half that joke and send it back.
Well, hold on, almost done.
There's a hair in there.
It's the biggest problem with Jews going bald.
They can't send soup back.
And I was just calling to ask.
Well, I'm particularly gay.
Oh, secretly gay, the fella said.
Let's hear more.
I haven't told a lot of people, and I want to figure out how I can tell my mom.
And I thought I could get some advice on here.
Okay, brother.
Yeah, thank you for calling, dude.
And congratulations on your gay ship or whatever it's called Gatum or whatever.
Being gay.
I mean, there's different ways you could go about it.
You could do something, you know, kind of fun.
You could do this like a knock-knock.
Who's there?
I'm gay, you know, that old trick or whatever.
Or you could get a deck of cards, right?
You could write, I'm a gay son on each one, put them like that, have her pick one out, say pick one out and read it.
And bam, you don't even say nothing.
She says it.
And then you could be like, what the fuck do you mean?
You know, you could roll switch or whatever.
So that's, you know, that's reverse psychology, dude.
So that's something, that's crazy.
Me and Big X, we almost did a song.
But I don't know.
I actually sent him a song and he didn't finish it.
So I don't know.
That's on him.
I guess I don't know what he was doing.
He was in jail.
Did he?
I think so.
For what?
Not a long time.
Not long enough.
I went to jail, too, man.
Hey, if you're behind bars, write a couple.
Yeah.
You're on a pretty famous text chain with like other SEC coaches.
This is alleged.
Yeah.
Kirby Smart, Sarkeesian.
What are the vibes on the chain, I feel like?
Like, what is it like on there?
I feel like I keep it together.
Like, I keep the group together because one will beat the other or they'll say something and they kind of like get mad at each other.
And then they won't like text for a week.
If like you beat him, then he doesn't text for a week.
Or if they're playing each other that week, they certainly aren't going to say anything.
And I'm like, guys.
And by you beat him, it means you when you guys beat Georgia last year, but go on.
I feel it.
But then I just say something that night, you know, like, hey, man, like you'll probably get us next year.
You know, like they don't like, they don't think that's funny.
You know, like then one of them side texts, like, hey, man, you shouldn't have said that.
Kirby's pissed off.
You know?
And I'm like, dude, it's just a game.
Relax.
We're buddies.
Do you guys vote on how another coach gets into the text chain?
What is the?
Yeah.
There's been conversations about that.
Really?
I just kind of, I actually have a note.
They may not know this.
We're giving a lot of information out today.
Appreciate you coming.
So I kind of give you some special insight.
I have multiple ones.
So sometimes I'll say something, that guy's not in it.
And that guy's, you know, then this guy's in it.
And so like, I kind of make sure I know who's in them, you know, when I say certain things.
And then, you know, every once in a while, I've got somebody who does something and then I left, I move them out of the chat.
No.
Yeah.
It's, it's happened, you know?
Jimbo Fisher removed from chat.
R.I.P. And then like, then I like put them back in.
Yeah.
But and put them in.
And they're like typical coaches.
They don't know how to remove somebody or add somebody.
Oh, yeah.
So it's like pretty cool that I can do it.
And they're like, how do you do that?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Lane's one of them tech wizards.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Coaches are a little behind time.
That's a big deal to be able to remove somebody from chat.
Like, whoa, he must really like have somebody teaching him this stuff.
Yeah, dude, the sculpts, man, they're fascinating.
They're just fascinating.
You'd almost like, I wouldn't be surprised if he was in the U.S., you know, or and you're in a zoo and they had a couple in there somewhere.
Like, you know, they're taking care of it.
Drinking sort of like their health being there, yelling at you.
Yeah, screaming at the fences and stuff.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, yeah.
Sounds like us.
Or singing like a good, do they have like a lot of good like Scottish songs and stuff?
Flood of Scotland.
When will we see your leg again?
And for tonight, for you, we better tell and clip that stood against her, against them, president was ARMY and sent him home to think again, come on yeah yeah, that's that's us.
That's well, that's a good one that we've got.
We've also got um, what's your name?
Alibali, Alibali B, setting on your mommy's knee.
That's a good one.
I don't know what it goes after that.
Well, that one ends in the courts.
I think it sounds like yeah exactly, that sounds like a domestic deceit.
You know, as soon as I tell people I grew up in South Carolina, they're always like oh, must have been so racist all the stuff.
And of course there was there's moments where it wasn't nice and and like people calling you almost n-word or something like that.
N-word, not almost oh really yeah yeah, those people are nearsighted or whatever.
They don't.
That's crazy.
But there is also, I feel like you know, there was a time I was writing something and I asked my parents to just tell me like I didn't want to write stuff about people being racist to to people.
I wanted to write something positive.
So I was like, tell me things you remember that were positive, like experiences you had, you know, being because someone, because you know my parents are there in the 80s.
Yeah, it was different, for sure they don't.
People there didn't even know what Indian people were.
They didn't see them in the culture, they didn't see nothing, they didn't understand it looks like a black person that they didn't finish the job on, or whatever kind of you know no judgment that.
Let's just make sure that quote is attributed to you.
You have a new show.
Uh, that definitely like sparked me up.
It's Animals On Drugs.
That's right.
We're texting when I was in Columbia, that's right.
Yeah yeah, it's on HBL MAX.
As of like yesterday, I think um, oh yeah dude, I was just like dude, send me a gift from Columbia so I can snore together.
Um, but take me through this show Animals On Drugs, because you know they had, like the Cocaine Bear uh-huh, Cocaine Bear, the movie Cocaine Bear, and then they have.
I was trying to think of some uh oh, Kracoons would be good crackoons.
How did I not think of that as a title?
Come on crackoons.
What is bro?
What's in?
That's a no-brainer.
What's that in your recycling bin?
Yeah, you see a little bit of smoke coming up from the recycling bin.
Yeah, the bin's vibrating.
Yeah uh, crackoons like smiling.
Yeah, you went turkey hunting with Mike Waddell.
I heard oh yeah, I did.
Yeah, I went down there and it was fun.
But it's like I don't know some of the tur.
It's like they just seem like an unwell bird.
What do you mean turkeys?
Unwell in what way?
They just don't seem like they're like a top, like I don't want to say like they on it, like I don't want to say uneducated.
They just seem like they like they got picked last for gym, kind of dude, that's the dumbest thing i've ever heard, really.
Oh yeah, about a turkey.
Yeah, if you look at a turkey doesn't seem like they, like they can't do, they just are.
Yeah, they just I don't know they weren't doing a lot.
Dude, it's a big ass bird.
His head changes colors from red to white to blue.
He tastes good.
Yeah, he's basically the toad walk around the woods making insane noises.
Yeah, which I mean like he.
It's an omnivore.
It can eat all kinds of it, can eat all kinds of stuff.
Okay well, now you're selling me on it.
Yeah, what elderly like?
What elder name?
A better name, a better bird?
It's like you could be.
Oh, a bald eagle.
He eats a bunch of rotten fish from the side, like like a turkey.
That's America's bird dude.
You remember the gentleman named Ben Franklin?
Yeah.
Okay.
Do you know that Franklin didn't like the bald eagle as a national bird because it was a scavenger?
And he threw out some it's debated how honest you it's bait is debated if he was trying to be a smart ass or not.
Ben Franklin said America ought to go with the wild turkey because at least it's a vain bird.
What does vain bird mean?
It's beautiful.
He puffs his feathers.
The male puffs his feathers all out.
Yeah.
He's got a snood.
He's got like a, imagine like a pecker on your laid across your face.
Okay.
That changes all the time.
It gets erect.
Wait.
It goes limp.
Turkey has that.
Yeah, dude.
It's like to just like come in and like start disparaging a turkey right off the top of the bat.
You don't know me.
I'm just okay.
I'm just it's like very, it's like, it's disrespectful.
That is a, that is a, that is the, the best, that's the best bird in our, in our country.
It's so scary also to think about.
I always do this too many times.
Like, do you think about truly how many animals there are if all this food is being given to people?
It's so scary to think.
What are you saying?
Like how many like chickens are murdered?
Not murdered, but killed a day.
Like so many.
Like even, I'm just trying to think about this reason.
Like if I order an order of wings at a bar and there's 10 wings in there, does that technically mean that I'm having five chickens?
Like two wings of chicken?
I think there are some chickens that have more than two.
206 million a day.
Globally, approximately 206 million chickens are killed for food each day.
Wild stat.
What?
So wild's that.
Holy shit, dude.
It's like since we started talking about this, 140,000 chickens just died.
Oh, that's wild.
That's the original Gaza right there, dude.
That's crazy.
I can't believe they're doing that.
What else we got?
Oh, in two separate recent WNBA games that have been played with a new problem, unruly spectators throwing sex toys onto the court.
Hmm.
Oh, God.
I saw a picture.
I mean, it is kind of wild, I guess, to, but first of all, I'd embrace it if I'm the WNBA, right?
I would shoot those things out of a t-shirt candidate during Pride Month or whatever.
Yeah.
That's what I'm saying.
I mean, if things get wild and people start tuning in, that's great.
It's good money, you know?
You don't want people to get hurt.
And I guess that's disrespectful, but it's like, yeah, make it turn the negative around.
Yeah.
Let's put a positive spin on it.
I mean, that lady was excited.
You know what I'm saying?
And I don't know if that's AI.
It could be AI.
I just saw a woman with, they have a woman that has two kudas, actually.
I saw she's on TikTok the other day.
There's a woman.
What?
Now are you?
No, I'm talking about the anatomy.
Now I'm changing it.
So you want to hear a okay.
No, go, yeah, go.
There is a woman who has two vaginas that's on TikTok.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She sent a DM the other day to me.
How many DMs did she send?
One of each, one from each, dude.
She sent replica DMs.
That's insane.
So can I tell you a story?
Yeah.
So I'm at my boy's wedding and he's from Ohio.
We're at the reception now, the after reception.
We're all just hanging out in the hotel room.
And the one dude's like, yo, do you remember?
You remember that girl went to high school with with two vaginas?
And he's like, dude, you're talking about Cheryl.
And then his other buddy's like, yo, double barrel Cheryl.
And I just thought that was the funniest fucking nickname I've ever heard in my life.
Double barrel Cheryl.
I was like, that's got to go in some American pie type movie.
Just double barrel Cheryl.
So as soon as he started talking about that, I was like, oh, I have one.
Put her in a museum.
Apparently, she used to say, like, this one's for my boyfriend.
I'm saving this one for my husband.
Oh, yeah.
He's kind of beautiful.
Yeah, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Because I would just, I would, if I had both, I would, dude.
You'd blow them both in the bathroom.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, exactly, dude.
No, I'd be like, I'm saving this one for after dinner or whatever.
I would definitely, dude.
Bro, you telling me I would love a hug from somebody's grandmother?
God, those hugs are just the way you land in them.
It's like being at a spa.
You get a young hug from one of these young bitches.
Some of them are strong and shit.
They got, you know, some chick hugged me that day.
She had a couple damn dumbbells in her hand, two barbells, three and a half pounders.
Like, what the fuck is this?
But you get a hug from a grandmother.
She got them damn catchers mitts full of love.
She got two of them bitches, baby.
And their arms would go right into the tits.
They ain't even a difference, bro.
That's just a big bicep tit.
Tit sep, bicep tit.
That's just a damn fucking.
That's a fucking love seat.
And she got them two arms, like a damn front end loader.
That bitch will hug you.
God.
It's hard to know if it would seem like you seem like a guy who likes being in Hollywood or doesn't like being in Hollywood, I guess.
There's things I really like about it and things I really don't like.
Yeah.
Right.
And I wish they didn't have to be together, but they are, right?
Like it's kind of life.
You got to take the good with the bad.
Because they always get pictures of you where you seem like you're like the dwarf that like is kind of like the backup dwarf, you know, like you're on the side, you're smoky.
You're like, what is that guy?
I don't know that character.
Is he pissed?
He's a little pissed.
Yeah, he's an understudy.
He's the understudy dwarf.
Okay.
And not dwarf, like you're a regular-heighted guy, but it's like, but I, and I shouldn't have said dwarf.
I shouldn't say anything, but it was like, I don't know.
And it's like they only put this chronology out of you that makes you seem like you're kind of bummed.
Well, here's the thing.
If the only time, like when somebody's taking a picture of me, I'm bummed.
Because usually I'm with my kids.
I'm trying to go somewhere.
And then there's four guys.
We're like, and I'm like, hey, man, every time, can you give me some time?
I'm trying to be with my kids.
Do you mind?
Can you, you know what I mean?
So the look on your face is kind of like, and then they go away and not taking the picture.
You go inside and you're having a good time.
But it's this selective experience of like, take a picture of somebody every time they're feeling irritated.
They're going to look irritated.
Especially if you're the one irritating them.
Yeah.
It's like, I'll come piss you off and then take your picture and then be like, look, how pissed off it is.
That's exactly what, that's exactly what that whole system is, really.
Right.
But and it's like useful because that's why like, you know, I'm sure you've seen on all this stuff.
Like the, you know, that's kind of the idea is like follow somebody around, antagonize them.
And then hopefully they'll have like a nervous breakdown and go crazy on you.
And then your video will be worth more money, you know?
Yeah, it's, it's such a, it's, that whole thing gets really black mirrorish, man.
I'm like you, I'm super critical on myself.
If I don't honor the commitments I made to myself, I'm a bitch.
Yeah.
You know?
Yeah, definitely.
And here's the crazy thing.
I would dick, Kevin, I would go, I would go for a run one day or do something, and then I'd be like, we grinding every day.
I'm going to go, I'm going to go run a million mile.
Next week, I'm running seven miles.
And then the next day, I wouldn't even go for a run, but I'd have built up all of this steam in my head like I was in the Olympics.
And so then I'd let myself, my aspirations were so diabolical and ridiculous that, but when I did let myself down, I would let myself fall from the heights of my aspirations, not even from, you just took one.
You took one where you was at.
Yes.
You just took one run.
You just won neighborhood over.
And you got yourself at the Olympic trials in Atlanta.
But the shame I would feel would be the fall from the Olympic trials.
And I only fucking went damn probably 1,100 feet.
That's why everybody that tells me they want to get into fitness, they'd be like, what you think I should do first?
I say baby steps.
Baby steps.
Take baby steps.
If you walk in the gym and walk out, you still showed up.
You did something that you wouldn't have done yesterday.
Maybe this time you might get on a trail man walk for maybe two or three minutes.
I don't know.
Who knows?
Start drinking more water.
Baby steps.
Like everything is baby steps.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I would never even give myself the grace of like, let me have those babies.
And you know something else I used to do?
I used to compare myself to people that was taking steroids and all of that.
And I'm like, I want my body to look like this.
And I'm like, and I used to watch them dudes say stuff like, if you ain't got no six-pack, you fat, homie.
And I was like, damn, I'm fat.
So I had unrealistic expectations.
I'm just like you.
And then I started giving myself grace and I'm like, yeah, I didn't even come in it to look like that.
I just wanted my clothes to be able to fit good.
Yeah.
I just didn't want to be titty man anymore.
Yeah, yeah.
He didn't want to have them nice titties on him, right?
Breast assistant.
I just didn't want to be titty man anymore.
And then you start comparing yourself to other people and you lose, we lose ourselves in what we really wanted.
What was our goal?
I just wanted, I wanted a bedroom body.
That's it.
That's all.
When you get up really, really crazy high in life.
You're too high.
You're in Madison Square Garden and all this kind of crazy shit that I was doing.
It's like the fall will kill you.
And it's not human.
And there's no oxygen up there.
And there's no drag on your wings.
And it's lonely.
And it doesn't have it.
It's not affected by your feelings anymore.
It's just this other thing.
But when I went back to work and I was like, I'm doing clubs again.
How's that going to feel?
And I'm sitting in the funny bone in St. Louis and the Coke, the machine that sends Coke to the bar is next to my head.
And I'm sitting there and there's a smell of chicken wings and pizza.
And I'm doing retail comedy when, you know, I was happy as fuck.
I was so happy to be telling the jokes to people whose faces I could see and whose admission price is they're giving that to me as a as a gift and they're going home happy.
And I got back to that level of comedy and it was really beautiful.
That's where I live now.
I mean, I do the theaters because I'm still a fucking pig.
I still want, I still like it.
Well, some of them are nice too.
Some of them are nice.
The Ryman and Nashville.
Beautiful.
I'm excited to come over there.
I think even this year has been tough for me.
It's just like, yeah, I just feel like work's gotten busy and it just makes me scared kind of a little bit.
And it's like, you know, and then popularity makes you scared and that's kind of scary.
And then you're just looking at yourself.
You know, it's like, what am I even you, you're like, I can't even feel like I can't even, the controls feel far from my hand sometimes.
Not like I'm doing crazy stuff or anything, but just like, you know, I just, I don't know.
No, it's, it is scary and it should be.
That's the thing is it's like another electricity.
You got to respect it.
It's not, it's not a small thing being famous and it can go bad and it's, it's your fault because you got into it.
Yeah.
But that's, I don't know.
It's also a human thing to want to share your work and want to be out there, you know.
But once when it goes bad, you get in this predicament of like, I want to go to each person's house and tell them what really happened and what, you know, the little things that are, that aren't in the way that's, you know, and that's just never going to happen.
Yeah.
And at this point with all, to me, I just want to get, I just, I just want to live.
If you had to share something with somebody who had lost a sibling or who had dealt with, you know, some grief from loss, something that you've learned because, I mean, you're like almost the Neil Armstrong of loss.
I mean, you've endured a lot in your life, you know, and watched and watched other loved ones endure a lot, you know.
What have you kind of learned that you feel like you could share, if anything?
Well, thank you for giving that opportunity because that's what I want to do is to try to make it positive for somebody, buddy.
But, you know, it's tough because I want to tell people like when somebody dies, it's going to get better, but it doesn't get better, man.
You don't even get used to it.
It just keeps tolerating it and you just somehow it gets a little better someday.
But there's no good word to say to them.
But when somebody's really busted up, you know, and when you overcome that and are able to maintain through that, well, then it's, it's now you, now you've you've achieved through a struggle.
You've achieved over an obstruction.
You've gone over a hurdle, you know, and it's like now you can say you won.
Now you can say you won something because without a fight, there can't be a winner.
There can't be a champion.
There can't be a success unless there's that adversity, you know?
And so God wouldn't put you through that unless you're going to benefit.
You got a great mind.
You're an intelligent guy.
Thanks, man.
Life is, he's knocking on your door too, my friend.
You too.
I feel like you and me are probably pretty similar in some ways.
Do you feel that?
Sure do.
I do too.
So this, no, David, that leads exactly to kind of what I was thinking about.
My next question is, how does our quality of life affect our beliefs about death or the afterlife?
Well, you know, I think this is something where neuroscience actually has something to offer.
Okay.
Right.
So when I first started studying the brain, you know, 40 plus years ago, I was taught, well, the brain just kind of sits there and it waits to react to something.
Somet comes into your senses.
You hear something.
You see something.
Your brain does something and then you move your muscles and you respond to it.
And that's what it is.
The brain's kind of sitting there waiting for something to happen.
It's a reactive organ.
Like a two-stroke motor.
And, well, even not like a two-stroke motor that isn't even started yet.
It's waiting for someone to pull the ripcord, right, for it to start up.
And what we now know, the modern conception of the brain is that when you're just sitting there spacing out, your brain is really busy and it is a prediction machine.
Your brain is trying to figure out what's going to happen next in the near term.
What does that mean?
It means that our brain is wired to presume that there will always be a near term, that there will be a future.
Right.
And so, you know, I got diagnosed with terminal cancer.
I was told four years ago that I had six to 18 months to live.
And, you know, while, I mean, of course, that was really upsetting and I was freaking the fuck out about it.
In addition, you know, I could do practical stuff.
Oh, I better write my will.
I better have this conversation with my kids.
I better, you know, make sure this is done in the house and like these letters are written for my students, you know, so then to go on the next part of their career, like all that practical stuff.
Windows screen.
Right, exactly.
And, but in terms of actually deeply engaging with myself not being there anymore with my own demise, I felt like, you know, I was skittering across the ice.
You know, I couldn't really dig in and grab it.
I couldn't really think about what it's like for me not to be there anymore.
And I thought, well, is this a personal failing?
Do I just suck?
And I thought, well, maybe, but, I mean, I do, but, you know, what I'm thinking fundamentally is that this is not something that we as humans are designed to do.
Our brains are hardwired to predict their near future, which presumes that there will be a near future.
Right.
And so if you extrapolate this a little bit.
And what does extrapolate mean just so people know?
I'm sorry.
If you kind of move on to the next step, right?
Of what this means for faith, right?
If you go around the world, nearly every, not absolutely every, but nearly every religion in the world has an afterlife or reincarnation story.
Very few religions.
Judaism is one, you're dead, and there isn't actually a story about what happens after you're dead.
But almost every other one does.
Or the big end voice.
You go to heaven, you meld with the divine, you're reincarnated, but there's something that happens.
These stories are exceedingly popular all over the world in all cultures.
Well, I think that the reason they are is because of this brain bug we have.
We can't imagine ourselves dead because our brains are hardwired to predict the future.
And that's why we have these afterlife and reincarnation stories in faiths all over the world.
And so I have total sympathy for these, not just because I'm diagnosed with terminal cancer, because I see them as something deep and fundamental to what it is to be human and something that binds us all.
Have you ever met someone and you were like, I could play that person?
Like, is that, because that would be like kind of like, I feel like if I were an actor, that would be like my power.
Like you would corner somebody in a room of a fucking party and be like, I could play you in a heartbeat.
You know, does that happen with the good actors?
You have to ask good actors.
I think, I remember when I was young, I remember doing this movie and that one of the other actors was talking to the director and he was like, wouldn't it be cool if, you know, Joaquin did, you know, this kind of movie, you know, kind of like so-and-so.
And he mentioned this other actor that was like my peer who was like, like the actor, right?
And the director was like, yeah, but I mean, Joaquin is no so-and-so.
And he was like, and the other actor was like, dude, that's so fucked up.
I said the director was like, oh, no, no, I just, I mean that in the best way.
Like you're a character actor.
There's no Fred Armis.
Yeah.
Character actors.
Yeah.
It's like it's like kind of code for like, you can't really, like, you're never going to really get there, but you'll work.
And that fucking pissed me off.
But here's the thing, but it pissed me off because I was like, no, I have more, like, that's not, there's more that will come out that will come out of me.
And I just, but I think I ultimately appreciate it because it made me go like, well, how do I find that way?
Like, how do I find more?
Yeah, there was just something like, there was something special about that time where it was like, I don't know, the moment meant so much more.
You know, there was something, there used to be something about the past that the moment you couldn't copy to you couldn't record it.
Like, I think that's why those times, you talk about some of this in your book, man, and it's like about time and like, God, like the moments of when I was a kid or sitting there laughing with my friends, like the moment was so much more real because you were never going to get it again.
Right.
And you didn't, you couldn't necessarily record it and you sure as hell couldn't share it.
There's a study on this, man.
I don't know if I'm going to say it's like 20 years ago, but 25.
The moment was the biggest dopamine rush.
The jump, the cresting of the mountain, the pulling off whatever you tried to pull off.
Yeah.
Scientifically measured, the biggest dopamine hit.
Cameras and mobile devices and stuff come out.
It slowly turned to the recording of the moment, the snapshot.
Okay?
Not the cresting of the hill, but we just recorded it.
The ownership of the moment.
The ownership of the moment, right?
And then what has happened now, and it's been around for 25 years.
The biggest scientific dopamine hit that we get as humans is not the doing of the deed, is not the recording of the deed.
It is when we press share.
Really?
Now, that's a little bit like living in third person.
Like we're all running around going, my rush is not when I run for a touchdown.
My rush is when I see myself on the jumbotron running for the touchdown.
And that's a slippery slope, man.
You know what I mean?
Well, it's slippery, but it also seems hard to even conceptualize who I am then, you know?
Yeah.
Am I myself?
Am I just a viewer of myself now?
That's it.
We're much more, much more voyeurs now.
Right.
And our identity comes from being objective, trying to look at ourself from outside.
And now comes from, well, what did you think of what I did?
And how.
Yeah.
And that's the worst.
What do you think of what I did?
Because that will be who that'll be my definition of who I am.
I am.
Yeah.
We got to watch that.
Riley Mao.
Yes, sir.
What is something that you are kind of grateful for this year?
A little thing in the world that, like, is there a moment or something in the world that makes you feel some gratitude?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I've got a, uh, got a little baby coming up along the way.
GYAH! DANG!
You have a huge, you have a baby coming?
I do.
Oh my gosh.
Bro.
Unreal, dude.
Congratulations, man.
Thank you.
Oh, my gosh, bro.
Dude, I remember when you hadn't even come out of your own nuts or whatever.
Remember that?
Yeah.
Wow.
And now you're like, I'll show them.
Wow, dude.
I'm going to make this skeet grow up.
That's crazy, dude.
And is it a male or female?
Do you know?
Have y'all looked at it?
It's a male.
Amen, brother.
God, God has got you, man.
We can even pray about it right now.
You care if we pray about it for a second?
Yeah, let's do it.
Let's do it, man.
God, we just want to thank you today.
You know, in times where we're uncertain about things and where we it feels like it's tough to get a foothold, that sometimes our sense of purpose wanes based on our society, that you can remind us that there are important things in the world.
God, we want to thank you so much for giving Riley a chance to be a father.
You know, when I met Riley, he was barely, he hadn't even had any semen.
I'm going to say it fast so it's not because we are in a prayer.
He hadn't even had any semen come out of his body.
And here he is just serving blast sauce and just having it grow up into something beautiful.
And we want to lift this child up to you, God, before it's even here.
And what's the name of the child, Riley?
We haven't announced it yet.
Okay.
God, we want to lift up this unannounced child to you that at this point is still just a batch of semen and egg that you are helping cultivate and moisturize.
And so we just want to lift that up to you, God, and say thank you for reminding us what is purposeful and that we can find purpose in family.
Riley, amen.
Ladies and gentlemen, Stephen Wilson Jr.
Thank you, sir.
Working on the same car going on a decade Scribbles on drumming out, don't draw attention I never really noticed, but now that I'm mentioning
Ain't a lot of boys named Gary these days Born with the cigarette glued to their face Fixing down anything a hammer can't handle Saving on the money cause a Gary don't gamble Ain't a lot of girls going by Debbie anymore They got the same nicotine pouring out their pores Time leaves town but the man at hand stays There ain't a lot of boys named Gary these days
Gary these days been worried about the bad news There ain't a lot of teenagers filling up the church views Burning bush lights don't talk to his brother The people even still say grace before so buried.
There ain't a lot of boys named Gary these days, Born with a cigarette glued to their face, Fixing bound anything a hammer can't handle, Saving all the money cause a Gary don't gamble.
Ain't a lot of girls going by Debbie anymore, But they got the same nicotine pouring out their pores.
Time leaves town, but the man at hand stays.
Gary these days
I had a weird suspicion with the light out on the front porch Hard medication poured down where the drain pours He holds his left arm while his fair key prays Has anybody seen much of Gary these days