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Nov. 11, 2024 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von

02:04:04

E544 Matt McCusker

Matt McCusker is a stand-up comedian, podcaster and writer. He co-hosts “Matt and Shane’s Secret Podcast” and you can check out his full length special “Speed of Light” on YouTube. Theo heads to Austin and Matt McCusker returns to talk about their reactions to the 2024 election, Matt’s future goal of becoming a school security guard, and the time his dog ate magic mushrooms. Matt McCusker: https://www.instagram.com/mccuskermatthewj/ Matt’s tour dates: https://mattmccusker.com/dates/ ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com ------------------------------------------------- Sponsored By: Celsius: Go to the Celsius Amazon store to check out all of their flavors. #CELSIUSBrandPartner #CELSIUSLiveFit https://amzn.to/3HbAtPJ ShipStation: Get a 60-day free trial at https://www.shipstation.com/theo. Thanks to ShipStation for sponsoring the show! Liquid IV: Go to http://liquidiv.com and use code THEO to get 20% off your first order. BlueChew: Go to http://bluechew.com and use code THEO to get your first month free - just pay $5 shipping. Shopify: Go to http://shopify.com/theo to sign up for a $1-per-month trial period. Special thanks to Media Pouch: https://pouch6studios.com/ ------------------------------------------------- Music: “Shine” by Bishop Gunn Bishop Gunn - Shine ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: tpwproducer@gmail.com Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: https://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips Shorts Channel: https://bit.ly/3ClUj8z ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers Producer: Nick https://www.instagram.com/realnickdavis/ Producer: Cam https://www.instagram.com/cam__george/ Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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	We've got some spring tour dates that I got warm for you here right off the griddle.
	All these tickets you can get through theovon.com slash T-O-U-R.
	This is still the Return of the Rat tour.
	And we will be coming to Toledo, Ohio, Pittsburgh, Eugene, Oregon, Kennewick, Washington, Seattle, Victoria, BC in the Canada, Belton,
	Texas, San Antonio, Hola, Durant, Oklahoma, Amarillo, Texas, Amarillo, Oxford, Mississippi, Tuscaloosa, Alabama, Tallahassee, Florida, and Rosemont, Illinois.
	You can get all your tickets at theovon.com slash T-O-U-R.
	And happy early holidays to everyone.
	Remember, don't buy through a secondary website.
	Go through our website so you're not getting those heightened ticket prices.
	And thank you so much for your support.
	And we do have new merch items backed by popular demand, the Hitter Hunting Club Collection.
	We've also got the Hitter Bait and Tackle Tees.
	Those are new, baby.
	If you like to rod and reel them, baby.
	Get all these in more Theovonstore.com, the only place to get our merch.
	We are coming to you live today from Austin, Texas at Media Pouch, where we're taping.
	And we are grateful today to get to spend time with this fella.
	He is performing in New York City this week.
	You can get those tickets.
	And he is one half of the superhero squad, Matt and Shane's secret podcast.
	He just reached five years of marriage.
	And I'm happy to get to spend time today with Mr. Matt McCusper.
	Shine on me.
	And I will find a song.
	I've been singing.
	I'm going to say.
	And now I've been moving way too.
	I went to a steam room today.
	Did you really?
	Yeah.
	Just steam.
	It wasn't anything else.
	Yeah, have you been in there?
	I've been in that.
	Is it like just a steam room or like attached to a gym?
	Oh, no, it's attached to the gym.
	It's like in the bathroom or whatever.
	Like a room of steam.
	It's intense.
	I thought you said you went to a specific place called the Steam Room.
	Like it was a new thing that's just, you walk in, it's just steamy as hell.
	I wonder if there would ever, I wonder if that'd be a good business if you had like a another business that also at the same time was a steam room.
	That's what I'm saying.
	Yeah.
	Get your hair cut and just sweat.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Or like a radio shack, you know?
	Oh, that'd be nice.
	And they're like trying to look at batteries.
	They could have stayed in business if they just cranked up the steam.
	Well, Radio Shack was, it was almost like where you almost just go there to get, ask the guy a question and then you would leave.
	It became that place after a while.
	It did.
	Once the internet came out, you'd be like, yeah, what kind of battery I need for this?
	And he'd be like, all right, right on.
	Yeah.
	Amazon.
	I'd be like, right, nice.
	Yeah.
	You'd even buy it in front of them.
	Yeah.
	That's what Best Buy kind of is too.
	Yeah.
	And they don't know shit at Best Buy.
	Like, what kind of camera do I?
	They're like, oh, they, the last couple of times I went to Best Buy to ask about like cords and shit.
	They're just like, I don't really know, man.
	I'm like, all right, dude, what the fuck?
	What's the point of this place?
	Yeah, it's kind of bullshit.
	Yeah, they don't know.
	And then they'll walk over to another guy.
	That's the craziest thing.
	Like, let me ask my, and they'll be like a co-worker or whatever.
	And then they'll go over there.
	And then the people will just start laughing or the guy will slipping out of joint.
	And then they'll just walk out of the place.
	You're like, it is so, it's sad, man.
	Last time I went to Best Buy, it was just two dudes.
	One guy was struggling at a cash register.
	He didn't even have like the uniform on.
	And then two other guys were just talking.
	And it was like 10 minutes of people just watching this guy struggle.
	And I was like, yo, you guys, can you guys come help?
	And they were like, yeah, man, I guess.
	I just walked over.
	And I'm like, all right, well, it's crazy.
	Yeah.
	Customer service dipped during COVID.
	It's over now.
	That's a great point, huh?
	Yeah, well, we told them they were heroes.
	Yeah, it's true.
	They did.
	They called them all frontline workers and stuff.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	And a lot of them were a lot of them were not heroes.
	I don't, I mean, some of them were, I guess.
	I guess actually, if you're DoorDash was the heroes for sure.
	Yeah.
	Nurses, remember they were crying and everything.
	They were scared.
	Well, yeah, that actually did suck to be a nurse because they were in ground zoo.
	Nobody knew really what it was.
	Right.
	So being around it all the time would suck.
	If you had to like hold your breath the whole time.
	So I would have tried to breathe as less, like, you know, as least as possible.
	Yeah.
	Oh, that's a good point.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	You're just talking to somebody really fast like that.
	You're like, I got to get, look, I got to put this talking.
	I got to get out of the room.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	That'd be nuts, man.
	Yeah, dude.
	I wonder if there'd be a good steam, like if you could double, you know, because I like double style businesses like that.
	For sure.
	You know, like a shoe store, but also what?
	Shoe store, barbershop.
	I'm going to keep using barbershop.
	That would make sense.
	Yeah.
	Wow.
	They come bring you a new pair of shoes and you're like, dude, I might as well walk out of here with a fresh haircut and fresh shoes.
	Yeah.
	Double businesses are a good idea.
	I didn't think about that.
	It's time for it.
	It is.
	It's time.
	Dog grooming and maybe sporting goods or whatever.
	There you go.
	Or jiu-jitsu.
	Ooh, yeah.
	You just tussle a little bit while your dogs get.
	Do you do jiu-jitsu?
	I don't do it anymore, man.
	Did you do it for a while?
	Yeah.
	I'll go back and do it once I'm done touring.
	I just kept getting hurt.
	That's the problem with it.
	It's like I did it for a while and it's just like, yeah, your back gets fucked up and you're like, then at the end of it, too, it's like, I could just get a gun.
	Yeah.
	Like, you know, it's like you could just defend yourself.
	Yeah, yeah, you could.
	I mean, that's the new jiu-jitsu, a gun, I guess.
	Yeah.
	But it's like, I wonder, you know, sometimes I wonder like if I guess if I had a superpower, maybe it would be, I'd want to do jiu-jitsu.
	I'd want to know every jiu-jitsu.
	Be nasty at it.
	I mean, just fucking gif wrap a dude.
	True.
	It's a lot better, too, if you're at like a restaurant to like choke a guy out in front of everyone than just like shoot him in the face.
	Yeah.
	No one's going to be like, dude, nice.
	That was awesome.
	Yeah.
	And it's messy.
	You got to clean up.
	You got to wait around.
	Yeah.
	Just spray somebody's brains everywhere.
	People are going to be like, dude, that was kind of aggressive.
	That was kind of aggro.
	People are like, God, God, Carl.
	Yeah, bro.
	That'd be a good superpower, I think, to just know everything.
	It was in you.
	Yeah.
	What would you have, you think, if you had a superpower, you think?
	Fly.
	Really?
	Yeah, I'd fly.
	That'd be awesome.
	Would it, though?
	Think of how, dude, if you even stuck your head out of a window and you're going super fast.
	Yeah, I'd be chill about it.
	Dude, imagine if I floated into this room and sat in the chair.
	Dude, those things are tough, dude.
	Are they?
	I was struggling early.
	You got to use your shirt.
	I'm so happy I didn't do that on camera.
	You got to use your shirt.
	I was in there, dude, struggling.
	Hold on, dude.
	Stop, bro.
	That water's not for weaklings, dude.
	This thing's broken, huh?
	It's crazy.
	I had to put it on my shirt and just fucking wrench it.
	God, that would be my superpower.
	I think we'll be able to get in here.
	No, I think my superpower.
	Hold on a second.
	Take a second.
	You got that.
	Hold on.
	That's a dangerous angle.
	That's a dangerous angle to open water, dude.
	Dude, that angle might have helped, bro.
	True.
	A lot of when you lock your hips in, dude.
	Very arm bar.
	True.
	But, yeah, my superpower.
	I think mine would be if you went into the bathroom, not being able to know if somebody had pooped in there recently.
	That would be nice.
	It was like when, you know, when you take a dump, it doesn't smell.
	If you had that for everybody.
	But it's like the second you walk into a bathroom, you can tell if somebody's dumped recently, if somebody with perfume did dump.
	Oh, you want to know if they dumped or not know?
	I don't want to not know.
	I don't want to know anything.
	So that'd be my super problem to not have, not have, because you can't trick your mind to not know, you know?
	But if the seat's warm, you're going to be like, oh, that's the worst.
	And you sit down in like an airport bathroom and the seat's 98.6 degrees and you're like, fuck, dude.
	Dude, fuck, man.
	Bro, and some people do dumps right onto, they won't even flush the toilet at an airport or whatever.
	They'll do dumps right on the pee.
	Yeah.
	I actually, I've come around, I shit on planes now.
	Uh-uh.
	No, you have to, because otherwise you're going to fart like a coward and stink the whole plane up.
	So now I do the valiant thing.
	I like walk by everyone and I sit down there for like 15 minutes and they all know, they all know what I did.
	Do you take a newspaper with me?
	I will take my book.
	If I'm reading a book, I'll take a book with me and I'll just, I'm trying to get this, they got to really just get rid of the stigma because it's like, dude, otherwise you're just going to fart silently and just ruin the whole flight.
	Yeah.
	Which I also do sometimes.
	But it's like, I now I'm like, no, this is, this is juvenile.
	I got to go like a man and shit on this plane.
	I'll be back just a bit.
	Right next from the stewardess.
	Yeah, I'll be back.
	Do you tell that's crazy if you tell the person next to you, like, I'll be back in a little bit.
	Hold my calls if you say that.
	Like, yo, man, I've been farting my ass off.
	I'm going to go take a shit now, just so, you know, I don't want to cause you any more grief.
	But yeah, dude, everyone thinks I'm crazy for shitting on planes, but it's like, it's the righteous move.
	Yeah, I never thought, like, it's kind of liberating.
	It's liberating once you're like, I don't need to hold this.
	I got to get, this is totally normal.
	Natural.
	Like, everyone has to take a shit right now.
	What's crazy to me is talking to somebody and trying to guess if they have like poop in their body at that moment or not.
	It makes me so feel uncomfortable.
	It's like, just tell me.
	Yeah, true.
	You know, if somebody, are you, can you, like, I know some people who can't hold it in at all.
	I can hold it in.
	I can hold it in for like a disturbingly long period of time, but now I'm like, why would I do that?
	Well, some people poop every day.
	That's cooperative to me.
	You don't poop every day?
	No way.
	You do?
	Multiple.
	I definitely once.
	Multiple times.
	Sometimes twice.
	Yeah, definitely once.
	Oh my gosh.
	You don't poop every day?
	Huh?
	Do you sleep outdoors on a farm?
	You poop multiple times a day.
	Sometimes.
	Definitely.
	That's crazy.
	Definitely once, sometimes twice.
	Oh, my God.
	How much do normal people?
	It's once.
	Three times a day, three times a week.
	That's what I do three times a week.
	Okay, it's three times a day, two, three times a week.
	Wait, so how?
	So we're both in, I guess, the range.
	I didn't know people were doing it multiple.
	That's crazy.
	Fucking, what are you doing?
	You're wasting.
	How much of your life?
	How long does it take to even do a poop on average?
	It depends if I'm really, if I'm like on my phone, I can, you know, I can sit there literally forever.
	But 12, I mean, come on, man, 12 seconds.
	On average, a bowel movement takes about 12 seconds.
	That's unball.
	I'm going to, I'm going to show my wife that next time she's on the seat and be like, bro, you got 12 seconds.
	Get the fuck back in there with these kids, dude.
	No shit breaks.
	Oh, my God.
	So it's more of a rodeo than it is really like a relaxing thing.
	I guess who made Pooch relaxing?
	Someone hit him with the max.
	Max and max.
	10 to 15 minutes.
	12 seconds is crazy, dude.
	12 seconds is crazy.
	Who could even do 12 seconds?
	Oh, that guy that, who's that bull rider?
	Damn, look, they say it's relaxing because it stimulates the vagal nerve.
	If you ride a bull, you could probably poop very fast.
	There you go.
	JB Moni right there.
	JB Money?
	What how they say it?
	Mooney?
	I don't know.
	What's his deal?
	He's like the number one bull rider.
	Yeah, he passed away, though.
	Did he really?
	No, he's not.
	What'd he die from?
	I'm not sure.
	Yo, what's is he sit?
	Is he a little bit of a bad guy?
	Oh, never mind.
	He's on Instagram.
	He's good.
	Okay, he's not dead?
	Yeah, my bad.
	He was sitting on another cowboy's lap.
	I don't care at all.
	He's a bull rider.
	He does whatever he wants.
	Look, after you've ridden a bull, I think being gay is easy.
	True, what you're saying.
	True.
	That is true.
	Yeah, after you've ridden a bull, being the gay has got to be like, that's child's for children.
	Eat a piece of cake.
	That is true.
	Being gay after bull riding.
	Gay sex, just staying on the back of a dude.
	You couldn't get that guy off.
	He'd be trying to balk him off you.
	He'd be no problem.
	God.
	He'd be spinning around on you.
	He'd be like, dude, get off me.
	He'd be eating funnel cakes.
	He's guessing your weight while you're fucking.
	Step right up.
	That's crazy, though.
	So you were, yeah, I usually, I will usually poop two, three times a week.
	Monday, Wednesday, Friday.
	Usually.
	I was about to say you're Monday, Wednesday, Friday.
	Yeah, I'm every day, bro.
	I'm every day.
	Weekend.
	If I miss for sure, that's when I really chill.
	But if it's like, yeah, it's your weekend.
	Definitely, dude.
	Oh, my God.
	I look forward.
	It's such a like a relaxed.
	The one thing I will say, have you ever shit while you're really stoned?
	That's uncomfortable.
	I've done that before.
	Like, I've taken like a strong wheat edible and you have to take a dump in the middle of it.
	And it's just like, it's the worst.
	I think it's the worst part of it.
	Oh, that seems crazy.
	It's very wretched.
	Yeah.
	You get like very much like kind of like you know, you feel like an animal, and you're like, What am I doing?
	You're just taking a gross shit, and you're high, it's not good.
	That makes me sad, yeah, it is.
	It literally just makes you sad.
	You're like high, you think everything's cool, then you take disgusting.
	Well, imagine, yeah.
	Say, if you, some people used to get their pets high or whatever, you know, and then watching your dog.
	Like, my buddy's uh, it would get his dog high, I guess.
	I think this is when it was legal or something.
	Yeah, and he would get it high, and then it would start to poop, and it would fall over.
	It would just, it couldn't even, um, it fucks your legs up.
	Yeah, when dogs eat weed, it fucks their legs up.
	If they eat mushrooms, they're sharp as tacks.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	My, inadvertently, my dog ate a little bit of mushrooms one time.
	No problem.
	No, this was back in Philly.
	He ate a little bit of weed one time, and he was, he couldn't walk.
	Yeah.
	I just had to hold him and just, you know, we spent like, we just like watched a movie.
	I watched the movie and just held him.
	Oh, that's cool.
	Weed is not good for dogs.
	Mushrooms, I would argue.
	Yeah.
	He was chilling.
	And it would be great to see if dogs started using shrooms or whatever, just to see how they kind of started to put new things together.
	That would be pretty fascinating.
	Dude, I will say he was kind of more well-behaved.
	It could just be me, but he like never listened.
	And he inadvertently, it was like an accident.
	I had like, I made like, put something in like a little tea bag and I threw it in the trash and he just ate the tea bag.
	Yeah.
	I was like, shit.
	And he, I just let him outside and he just zoomed around and went back in.
	I was like, all right.
	That's pretty cool.
	How do dogs do on mushrooms?
	Can we bring that up actually?
	I can't believe this isn't a huge study or something.
	They get into edibles all the time.
	That is like for real a problem.
	Yeah, there's always that stone kid in your high school who use that laser and he's like, yeah, yeah.
	It's really once you're like, yeah, it's, okay, that's toxic.
	Funny doggy psychoactive shrooms.
	There you go.
	This guy looks like he's struggling.
	Looks like he's not having a good time.
	Whoa, bro.
	He might have done a heroic dose.
	This little mixed felt looks fucking, wow, bro.
	Dude, that's like your marriage, dude.
	That's awesome.
	Shortly after this, I rushed into the vet.
	Oh, my God.
	What was covered was Roxy had found wild shrooms growing.
	This guy's such a liar.
	No, they didn't.
	Whoa.
	How the fuck did the vet realize that?
	There he goes.
	Wow, bro.
	Oh, no.
	Super attentive?
	See, my dog was chilling.
	My dog might have microdosed, though, so maybe it was just more kind of chilling.
	This person filming him is so wicked.
	She didn't seem afraid.
	Seems to be afraid of fact the opposite.
	She seemed to be enjoying the experience.
	All right.
	I mean, maybe so.
	But this kind of shows you if humans start.
	Some people say that there's the stoned ape theory or whatever, you know, that if that humans ate, that apes ate mushrooms and that's how we eventually evolved, you could start to see it with this dog.
	Like, damn.
	This dog is on to something.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Dude, I think there is something to that, though, the stoned ape theory.
	I don't think it's that crazy because our brain size, like, I don't know if it like doubled.
	It like grew very quickly out of nowhere.
	Did it really?
	Yeah.
	Back in like the day, our brains were like small and then out of nowhere.
	They were just and they fat.
	And then it.
	They don't know why it happened.
	They have no idea.
	I guess they looked at like skull sizes and they're like, let's see it.
	Yes, something happened where our brains just went nuts.
	According to current understanding, the human brain roughly doubled in size over a period of around 2 million years.
	There we go.
	With the most rapid expansion happening between 800,000 and 200,000 years ago, marking a significant brain boom.
	My thing, if dogs have been around forever, are their brains growing too?
	It's a great question.
	Have dogs' brains evolved?
	Human brains have tripled in size since the beginning of the human family tree, which dates back around 7 million years ago.
	Wow.
	So our brains are getting bigger.
	See, this for me ties straight into like believing if you look at an alien, right?
	Your usual picture of an alien, it's this body that has no definition.
	Yep.
	Huge head.
	Exactly.
	It's like that's all eventually that's what we'll turn into.
	We are.
	It's like this, you don't need to use any muscle.
	Everything's there.
	Just machine.
	Comes into your body through a tube, leaves out.
	You don't have to poop three times a week or a day and on weekends.
	They're probably pretty regular, though.
	Aliens?
	No, you're definitely not.
	You know, sloths shit like once a month.
	No way.
	They come down from the tree and they just shit every 30 days, like an enormous pile of shit.
	Must take an hour.
	Bring it up.
	It takes a while.
	It's pretty funny.
	They come down real slow.
	Once a week.
	My bad.
	My bad.
	So you use poop once a week.
	Now that makes sense.
	Daily.
	Women sloths daily when they're in heat.
	I must be in heat then.
	That's probably why I'm dumping all the time.
	I'm so damn horny.
	Because I wonder if there's a, if there's like, um, yeah, I wonder if there's, if your body wants to have poop in it or doesn't.
	Probably doesn't.
	Doesn't.
	Yeah, I would say not.
	I would say it doesn't.
	I mean, you feel so much better.
	When you don't have it in you?
	How does it feel?
	So the fact that you do that every couple days, is that kind of like beating off where it feels great?
	Like if you hold it in for three days?
	Well, it definitely feels more of like an organized crime, you know?
	Really?
	Yeah, it's like more, it's just not, you're not just fucking showing up your shit.
	It's not like it's a, like, just spraying bullets in the air.
	You know, it feels like you just got that fucking John Wilkes poop.
	You know, you fucking rolled up with one fucking purpose.
	So it's just like, you'll.
	Bam, very organized, very Japanese almost.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	You feel it coming.
	You're like, I knew this moment was.
	Fucking, yeah.
	It's like you paid extra for the rapping.
	It's like, it's just very feels like how it's supposed to happen.
	Not somebody the second they get a bullet in the gum, they just fucking do this.
	Not like as soon as you wake up every day.
	Yeah, they're just spraying at the neighbors.
	I will say waking up in the middle of the night and having to shit is upsetting.
	Oh, dude.
	Because then you attack.
	You're in total darkness and then you have to like turn on the light.
	Yeah, that's terrible.
	Because all you have to do is go back to sleep.
	You do not have to.
	Nothing in the world is saying, hey, poop now, save yourself some time or whatever.
	Like you can just.
	You're saying it's like a life hack to shit in the middle of the night.
	That's what some people think, dude.
	It's like, they think it's a life hack.
	I'm like, what?
	It is not a life hack.
	Well, I've tried to ignore it, but it's like, you know, you can ignore, you can like wake up and you're like, oh, I kind of got a pity, but you're like, I'm good.
	Then you wake up and like your side fucking hurts and you're like, oh, shit.
	But if you try to hold in and dump and go to sleep, it's like, you just got to get out of bed.
	But the crazy thing is sometimes you'll get up.
	So then you'll see you sit down, right?
	You sit down.
	And then the problem is you start to doze off, right?
	That's worse.
	That's how Elvis died.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	He just dozed off while shitting and he died.
	Well, doze and often dying or die.
	Yeah, he overdose.
	It's dangerous when you shit while you're sleepy.
	Man, Elvis is so tired.
	He ain't coming back.
	Yeah, it is.
	It just sucks.
	Especially when you turn the lights on from pitch blackness, you just like see like the veins in your thighs and shit.
	Very sad.
	Yeah, it's disgusting.
	It's very sad.
	And then here's the worst thing that can happen to you.
	You know, there's a video of a guy, like his house caught on fire or something.
	He was on the toilet and then his, but his legs had fallen asleep.
	And so then he tries to run out and he can't.
	Yeah.
	Are you serious?
	That happens a lot.
	If you're sitting there for a long time, your legs will fall asleep.
	Yeah, that is a problem.
	Yeah, I've really, I got a nasty hemorrhoid one time.
	I'm sorry, the subject matter.
	Yeah, this stuff.
	We never, yeah, we don't talk about this kind of stuff much.
	So I think it's okay.
	We should talk about it more.
	Because people should be okay talking about it.
	It's not crazy.
	Yeah, it happens all the time.
	This is actually important.
	I thought you could just sit on the toilet forever and just like scroll your phone and kind of like hide from your family, but I got a hemorrhoid.
	And dude, that I looked it up and like, if you sit there for too long, because I like to read and stuff on the toilet.
	Now that's why I'm all business.
	I'm in and out.
	Cause like, dude, those things suck.
	Okay.
	And they come from sitting there too long.
	Well, yeah, your body, it's crazy because your body literally wants to get out of your ass, which is like, it's, it's like, you would think your body's happy, like the insides of you, but they're like, nah.
	No, dude, it's non-stop.
	They're just peeking around the corner.
	Yeah.
	Your body never gets a break.
	You sleep, thank God, but your cells are still moving.
	It never gets a fucking true rest.
	That's true, man.
	It's kind of bullshit.
	Yeah, man.
	I couldn't believe.
	Yeah, I guess I just, I can't believe how much some people do.
	Because to me, pooping feels like you have to earn it.
	Yeah.
	You know, if you just, if somebody just, you know, yeah, I'll go shit or whatever.
	I got some time to kill it.
	That's crazy to me, dude.
	That is true.
	You got it way too large there, you know?
	No, you're absolutely right.
	Franz Ferdinand or whatever.
	like the prince of royals or whatever?
	Like, what are you even...
	I think I can still do it.
	I can pee at any time.
	I can make myself pee.
	At any point.
	Any point.
	I can get pee on it.
	It's weird.
	So somebody runs up, gun to the head, pee now.
	Dude, I literally, I, so when I was little, I was like down the beach with like my cousins and stuff.
	And we were like out of bed.
	We were like real little.
	We're fucking around.
	We're supposed to be in bed.
	We were just running around.
	And my uncle came down.
	He's like, I told you guys to go to bed.
	And I was like, oh, I got to pee.
	And I didn't have to pee.
	He's like, prove it.
	And he made me and my cousin fucking pee.
	And I fucking was just like, we'll see.
	And I just pee'd.
	And ever since, I just known how to do it.
	My, it was like, my, you know.
	It's your superpower.
	It is my superpower.
	I can pee at any time.
	That's awesome.
	And my, it was like, dude, my uncle was like, go, it was like a fucking, like a probation officer.
	He's like, go ahead and pee.
	And I had to like put my back to him.
	And I was like, come on, come on, come on.
	I was pumped.
	Dude, I would always get nervous in the locker room or whatever that my penis wasn't good or whatever.
	Yeah.
	And because my brother also was an asshole, he took a marker and write like not good next to my penis.
	And I was like, what an asshole.
	So I was always like super paranoid, you know?
	But I would always like try to like shake it against my leg to get it fired up and turn around in the locker room or whatever.
	Yeah.
	No, that's dude.
	That's that's a real thing, though.
	If you're at a rest stop, I don't know why, but when you're peeing, you can kind of like peripherally see other dicks, like just at like the very corners of your eye.
	And they always look just enormous every single time.
	I don't know if you've ever encountered that.
	Yeah, I don't have.
	I don't get that.
	I got it crazy peripheral.
	Really?
	And I'm just tormented, dude.
	I'm peeing.
	I'm like, oh, my God.
	Just hogs everywhere, huh?
	Hog country.
	It's just wild hogs.
	Razorback fans.
	It's just wild hogs.
	Bill Clinton.
	I just always pull my balls up too at a urinal.
	So if anyone catches me, they're like, yo, shit.
	Well, it should be where if you squeeze your balls, that stuff goes into your wiener and makes it bigger.
	That's what God should have done.
	That would be a good design.
	Absolutely.
	Yeah.
	You won't make your balls squat.
	Like, I always wanted to stack my balls.
	I always wish that they were squared or whatever.
	I agree.
	When you mean business, you're like, all right, motherfucker.
	Stacking them up would be nice.
	Yeah.
	Just roll them.
	That he's stacking in a sack right now.
	So he's about to get an ass whooping.
	And then I'm going to go shit this weekend.
	Stack your nuts would be decent.
	That'd be nice.
	Stacking your nuts to take his shit.
	Or if your uncle's like, P right now, you're like, or check this out.
	Like, yeah, if you stack your nuts, you can come drink a beer with me, dude.
	That fellow's an architect, isn't he?
	God, wow.
	You know, I've been dealing with it a lot.
	I'll say it.
	It's dehydration.
	You know, my arms are just, whether I've been flying or you go to work out and then you're on the go.
	And next thing you know, you're feeling chapped or you're just feeling like your body's just made out of just dang just baby paper.
	And it's tough to deal with.
	That's dehydration.
	And what I use to help me is liquid IV.
	It's simple.
	You just crack open a packet of liquid IV, pour it right into a bottle of water, put the cap back on, shake it up, baby.
	And dang, daddy's quenched.
	That's how I do it.
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	Happy anniversary, dude.
	Thank you, man.
	You just had a five-year anniversary.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Thank you.
	Did you guys do something special for it?
	Or how does that kind of work?
	Do you feel like you have to?
	No, I don't.
	But, you know, I'm not really like the, I'm not big on milestones and stuff.
	You know, obviously we like, we did something.
	I don't know what we did.
	I think we went off to dinner.
	But no, we didn't really do anything that crazy.
	10 maybe we'll do something cool.
	But especially with little kids, it's like you can't really do, we can't go on like a trip.
	I mean, we could, but it's like, it's just a pain in the ass.
	You're going for days.
	They're freaking out.
	So yeah, we just chilled, man.
	You know, we're just five years trying to do five more.
	You know, that's all it is.
	Does it feel, did it feel kind of exciting?
	Did you have a moment for yourself where you were like, wow, it's pretty cool?
	Well, to be fair, I originally, I thought we had been together for 10 years total.
	So I originally was like together 10 years, married for five.
	And she's like, dude, we've been together for nine years.
	And I was like, right on, right on.
	So I was kind of stoked.
	I was like, damn, it's like the longest relationship I've ever been in.
	I was like, that's kind of sick.
	Remember, telling me that.
	Yeah, it's cool.
	Yeah, five years of marriage is very, that's a big deal now.
	Oh, yeah, dude.
	They claim that the true power struggle lasts for five.
	The first five years are a giant power struggle where you both try to like, you know, who's, who gets to say this?
	Like, there's a million little things you have to hammer out agreements on.
	Like, how full, like, I'm not being silly, but it's like, how full should the trash get?
	Should you put this stuff away?
	You know, there's just a bunch of stuff.
	I can only imagine that.
	And you have a power struggle.
	Who gets to say what?
	And, you know, so it's like, I think it's, I think it's kind of real because it has subsided a lot in terms of like just bickering over stupid shit.
	Do you look forward to seeing your wife when you get home and stuff?
	I do.
	I look forward to seeing her, especially if they go away.
	Yeah, dude, there's a post.
	We were.
	That's you?
	Yeah, bro.
	That's when I was.
	I was a bad boy back then.
	Oh, my God.
	That was us now.
	There you go.
	Look at that, dude.
	That's cool.
	But yeah, the kids are the big ones, man.
	They run and give you a big hug, but it's just nice to have the central unit every day to go back to.
	Is there ever moments where the kids favor one or the other and that hurts your feelings?
	All the time.
	Oh, bro.
	All the time.
	See it all the time.
	That would break my heart.
	When they're really little, they don't want anything to do with the dad for the most part, which is like, all right, I could deal with that.
	And now they're like, they're rolling with me, but they'll go back and forth between like who they want to put them to bed.
	And honestly, though, when they're like, we want mommy to put us to bed, I'm like, right, you know, I'm like, whatever.
	Right.
	But I could, they would do that.
	They would like, they're all about me for a while.
	And I could see it would like hurt my wife's feelings a lot.
	Yeah.
	But then they always switch back.
	Eventually they'll be like, fuck you.
	We want mom.
	And it's like, if one of us are away, they want the other one.
	Yeah.
	It's like the portal in the football or whatever.
	The what?
	They're like, well, I'm hitting the portal.
	I'm going to mom.
	Yeah, for real.
	But she's got NIL launchables over here.
	As long as you're together, I think it's, you know, it's cool.
	But like the separating, man, that's such a nightmare to navigate, it seems like.
	Because then it's like you have two different houses, you know, and I know myself, I'd make my house more fun than hers.
	So you can start doing that shit.
	And it's just like.
	Yeah, I'm getting big speakers and shit.
	It'd be so nasty, dude.
	But it's also like, yeah, it's just hard.
	Like, yeah, I think, what is it, like 40?
	I think divorce is actually going down, but it's still like 45% of marriages get divorced.
	That's crazy.
	What is it?
	Yeah, I want, do you have a key you feel like?
	Oh, let me see.
	In the United States, the percentage of marriages that end in divorce varies by the number of times a couple has been married.
	Interesting.
	This is my second year, so I'm not, the odds are not in my favor.
	Wow.
	So first marriage is 41% of first marriages end in divorce.
	Second marriage is 60%.
	Third marriage is 73%.
	Yeah.
	Fourth marriage is just a man.
	Yeah.
	Fourth marriage is 100% of the time end in divorce.
	But yeah, the yeah, man, it's, you know, what were you asking?
	If there's any, are there any like secrets?
	If you have a secret, like, do you have something that you feel like you've kind of honestly learned or like you've been like, this, this helps or this is something that I had to adjust about myself or anything like that?
	Yeah.
	For me, it's like, I can only speak for myself, but it's like, and I think you could say it to other people, but it's like as a person, you have massive blind spots as like the stuff you do that's like not great.
	And it takes a lot when you get input on those things.
	It's so easy to be like, fuck you, shut up.
	You don't know what you're talking about.
	But over time, it can almost like give you insight into aspects of yourself that you're like, yeah, I could probably change this a little bit.
	Or even in like the heat of arguments, I'll hear something she'll say.
	And in my head, I'll, before I even have time, I'll be like, fuck that.
	That's bullshit.
	There'll be a part of my brain where like, fuck, that's kind of valid.
	But I'll be like, fuck this.
	I'm not losing this argument.
	So you start to like get better at like being like, you're right.
	That was fucked up of me.
	And then also like, you have to be like, but this is something, you know.
	So it's just like learning how to communicate.
	And in order to communicate, you had to take in a lot of like kind of bad stuff about yourself without like completely just getting floored to level 10, which you don't even realize is happening.
	Right.
	If that makes sense.
	Well, I guess you have somebody that you, I guess you were like, okay, I trust my spouse.
	I care about them.
	So I'm going to listen to some of their feedback.
	Yeah.
	And like, it's one of those, especially if you're, if you're like simultaneously bothering each other, you're programmed to be like, the thing you're doing is worse than the thing you think I'm doing.
	And you have to like take perspective.
	All right, that's valid.
	And it just like, it literally feels like you're moving like an 800 pound stone to just be like, all right, maybe that is something annoying I do.
	Maybe that is a personal weakness of mine.
	It's just fucking hard.
	But you learn how to do it.
	I think it helps in the long run.
	Yeah.
	But, you know, it's just like, there's just so many facets to it.
	Cause then you have kids and it's like, well, who gets to dictate like the philosophy of the house and the flow of thing?
	It's just a fucking lot, dude.
	It's just.
	Yeah, do you have to have conversations like about that kind of stuff?
	All the time.
	You have to talk about that kind of stuff all the time.
	And it's like, like, how do we, how should we parent?
	Yeah.
	Wow.
	That's cool, though.
	But then you can't do it in front of the kids.
	But then you're, as it's going on, every cell in your body is like, say it now, and you have to sit there and wait and then like there's never good times then either it's nighttime it's like right before bed like something that actually bothered me today it's like that's not a good time you can't do it first thing in the morning and you can't do that thing where you're just quite in the room but being loud but being quiet you're doing that oh yeah yeah i'll do i'm the king of that yeah i'll lay down just be like what's the matter baby nothing just wait for
	three days and make actually what was bothering me the other night you've been fucking just picking your skin off in the garage and fucking drinking pbrs back there god dude yeah that's so wild being loud but being quiet is the craziest behavior oh it's insane i see someone else do it i'm like what are you crazy but i'll definitely be like and sometimes you don't even realize you're doing it i'll get into bed and just be like i'll hear her be like what's the matter and i'm like why she's like you just sighed heavily and
	i'm like did i realize i did that yeah so yeah it's uh it's good you know what i mean it's it's one of those things you don't know because it's like it's like you hear like uh whatchamacallit like in it it's not a slam on matt rife he had that special red flags and it's not like that taps into a big thing of like online dating all the stuff where it's like if anyone exhibits any sign of weakness that's a red flag abandonship immediately but everybody has them and eventually you got and again i'm not slamming the rife man for that was just he's tapping into like no that's just popular
	consciousness of the on the young online daters totally but it's like this like red flag philosophy is like everybody has red flags so what are you gonna do now you're just everybody's like fuck everybody yeah not everybody's fucking dope as hell dude everyone's got fucking major issues going on you think everybody spuds mckinsey or whatever yeah dude it's like out of your mind that's that's the thing where it's like you have to like you know and i i think couples counseling is a great thing a lot of people like it's a fucking waste of time if you got to do that it's already over and it's like i think it's great it's
	then it enters a it's the best thing when you're arguing it's like i'm the boss i'm the boss and you just clash you give the authority to another figure and then it's like when you do couples counseling if your wife's right it gets to like kind of instead of like hitting you like a laser beam it goes to that person they kind of can relay it's like the i don't know how to explain it but it's like every now and again another person with you know with like degrees and like actually your husband's right about this and you're just like it's like he's in starlink kind of it kind of is yeah you get to it just i think it's great for
	people yeah and it's like it just helps because it's like you don't want to hear it from the other person you know what i mean like if like my wife tell me something i'm like i don't want to hear this if she tells him then he tells me i'm like that is actually a fantastic point yeah and i'm not trying to be a dick it just no works bro it's got i mean people have to how do you bridge a topic say there's something you want to talk to your wife about how do you kind of do it dude so i've learned before i would just boil quietly and then like explode now what i do i'm just like violent irish like
	the irish hello exactly exactly exactly another thing but what i do now freckles are flying across they're just bouncing off each other yeah the uh well the problem is it's like all right here i have a piece of information if i relate to this person they're gonna have a big emotional reaction that's gonna get me all upset so i'll just keep it to myself and so eventually what i learned to do is be like i gotta tell you something then this is actually going this could potentially get you upset so like that way they're they're
	not caught off guard they're like that catches them and they're like all right they have time to prepare themselves yeah and then you hit them with the information rather than this being like yeah that really bothered me like three days ago and that you know they're just like what the is this so i you have to like for me it's like i have to preface the fact that i'm about to bring up something that could be potentially upsetting that's kind of a good way to do it dude it works so much it works so much better because then they're not a then they're also not thinking that you also wanted to catch me off guard so because then that's two things you're doing yeah you're telling them something that's going to upset them and then you're also surprising them exactly and
	with this you're like i don't know it shows you care to be like hey yeah i don't want to upset you but i have no other choice than to relay this information to you so prepare yourself now here's the information a thousand percent of the time or it works like a thousand percent better every time because it sucks you're gonna share stuff constantly back and forth that's just like not great and that's why i think it is long-term it's good to be in long-term relationships i i think but it's like everyone's different that's the other thing yeah so could be fucking you know maybe for
	some people might not be the thing so yes it's it's it's tough to figure out i mean i don't know anything so the question then is like how much flack do you take like how much stress do you take before you're supposed to call a quits there's no real answer on that right like yeah where do they yeah where how does that go yeah i'm watching some friends and stuff go through divorces and it's really challenging but then i'm also watching friends stay together who are trying to just battle it and figure it out because that's what they want the story of their life to be you know i think that can be terrible too because
	that can get to the place where you just i've i've been in houses where it's like the parents hate each other they don't talk to each other that's could be even worse honestly yeah dude we had a dude on our street when i was growing up he tried to burn his family down like three times and his wife stayed with him every time i was like what are you guys doing like that's for real yeah like you are a dumb lady yeah he was and everybody knew you know everybody knew how much he didn't like her you know i would say i would say just try to cook the house yeah just a
	dude but animals you know people people are animals you know raccoons will eat their young just so another so they'll go into heat so another raccoon will come and have sex with them again what that's crazy behavior they'll eat their babies get piped down yeah that's so i'm not saying what city this is happening in but saying that yes dude so they'll for real that's crazy because what just munching your baby puts you in heat yep male raccoons also known as boars can kill a baby raccoon a practice called infanticide
	this can happen for a number of reasons including sexual dominance oh they'll oh they'll kill okay so the mom won't wait the mom won't eat it the dad raccoon will kill the baby so the mom can't come up with any bullshit excuses not to want to make love yeah i'll be like i'm tired i'm like oh you think you're just gobble the babies and be like we're now wow i know you love this I'm turning this living room into a soup plantation right now.
	That's bonus.
	Damn, they're like romantic novels, must be crazy, too.
	Just a fucking cover of a jacked raccoon with a baby in his mouth.
	Some woman scene that raccoon that plays dead, and he put that broomstick over him to make it look like it hit him.
	You have find that video, bro.
	Unbelievable.
	That's crazy.
	I didn't know that, though.
	This is the fucking craziest thing I've ever seen in my life.
	I love raccoons.
	They're very un Yeah, they're like fucking mafia squirrels, dude.
	They are serious about this.
	Yeah, dude, they're a bear family.
	It's crazy.
	Yeah, keep looking for it and find it if you can for me.
	It's a video.
	Yeah, that sounds awesome.
	What else has been happening, man?
	How's things been?
	I got this auto ring, so I've been tracking my biometric data.
	That's been kind of fun.
	Nuh-uh.
	Yeah, it does stress to sleep.
	It's pretty cool.
	What?
	Yeah, I've never even seen that.
	Can you take it off or you can't?
	Yeah, I can take it off, yeah.
	Check it out.
	So it's just a ring, and it brings up the tracks your sleep.
	It tracks your stress.
	Oh, here we go.
	Dude.
	Wait, look at this.
	What the fuck?
	This is a couple minutes long.
	Maybe.
	Let's see.
	What is that thing?
	Yo.
	That's a good guy, dude.
	It's a flying squirrel.
	I have a third guy.
	He sucks.
	Dude.
	That's nuts.
	Wow.
	He's on.
	This is somebody you mean on Craigslist for sure.
	Dude, we got the guy from Craigslist coming on.
	What?
	Craig.
	Do you really?
	Yeah, next week.
	What the hell?
	Pretty excited about that.
	Dude, you know how many blowjobs that guy's responsible for?
	Yeah.
	Like, for real, millions.
	That's crazy.
	Free.
	There's got to be a ton of kids out there that happen because of him.
	Probably too.
	Yeah, true.
	I didn't think about that.
	Bro, I met a woman once.
	We met at a bar, right?
	Met her off of personal encounters or whatever.
	Met her at a bar.
	Figured it, I didn't, you know, I figured that if she wouldn't be, who knows?
	I figured she might be a man or whatever, but hopefully she wasn't.
	Nice.
	That was kind of my attitude.
	And then I go there, bro, smoking hot.
	What?
	I'm like, you got to be kidding me.
	This lady's going to kill me or whatever.
	Drink my blood or whatever.
	Yeah.
	So goes back to my place.
	She covered anything in my place that had any light closed all covered the VCR thing like every in no light at all.
	I do that, by the way.
	You do?
	I don't like fucking lights when I'm sleeping.
	I would put like for sex.
	She did it.
	Oh, she did it for sex.
	Oh, she didn't want the cam probably.
	You think I'm just going to invite somebody over just a fucking sleep out of my place?
	You got to get to know her, dude.
	You think I'm going to fucking, bro, meeting somebody and then letting them sleep in your house really is a crazy practice now.
	Dude, there's counts you on counters, dude.
	That's true.
	That's pretty cash.
	You're right.
	You're right.
	Trying to make him be more than he is.
	True.
	So she covered every source of light and then had sex with you?
	Yeah.
	What did you think about that?
	I don't know.
	It was, I was willing to do it.
	I knew that, but I didn't know much else.
	I just knew it was very interesting.
	I couldn't tell if she didn't want to see me, if she was scared.
	Yeah, maybe she was nervous that there was a camera.
	Yeah, if you don't mind asking, what's that Craigslist pussy like?
	I don't remember it that good, but it was pretty, it was fine, I guess.
	It was, you know, it was, you know, normal, you know, pretty.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Yeah, like a normal woman.
	I'm glad that worked out for you.
	Every time I've, I've sold a lot of things on Craigslist, just like I've sold cars on Craigslist.
	I've bought like, I think I bought like a Game Boy Advance for my sister one year for Christmas.
	Do you ever meet anyone to like buy or sell anything?
	No, people are getting attacked.
	A buddy of mine was buying some walkie talkies or trying to sell some walkie talkies the other day and he got fucking jumped.
	Did he really?
	Yeah.
	Dude, everyone I've met from Craigslist, I just assume they die like 10 minutes after we meet.
	They always seem like they're on their last leg.
	Every time I sell someone, I'm like, that guy's definitely dead.
	As soon as I like, he would buy like a car, I'm like, well, that guy's gone.
	That guy had a heart attack in a car one time on the Craigslist.
	We were like, we had a fireplace.
	I remember the first time I'd ever had a fireplace.
	So I was like, we got to use this.
	Me and my friend were sharing a living room, dude.
	It's my buddy's apartment.
	So we had like put beds in the living room and we had a fireplace and they're like, let's make it nice.
	That's pretty cool.
	Yeah.
	What's really exciting?
	Did you ever tell people that it was your spot, but your boy was just crashing?
	Yeah, I'd say he did it from the Army.
	That's how you tell the time.
	Me and my friend shared a bedroom in college, same thing.
	I'm like, yeah, I'm letting my buddy crash in that top bunk, man.
	I feel bad for the guy.
	That's what I want to say.
	He's on leave from the Army.
	And we had even had a fake army bag that was just stuffed with sheets, and we put it by the extra bed.
	That's awesome.
	Make it look legit.
	That's awesome.
	So one day we're like, well, we need firewood, right?
	So that's what you have to have.
	So we look on the thing, free firewood, right?
	Or something.
	It's like 13 miles away.
	We just moved to LA.
	It took us an hour and 30 minutes to go get it.
	It was out in like Diamond Bar.
	And we drive all the way out there.
	And it's just like somebody had like literally taken like a big chef a robe or something and just batted it together with a bat, beating the shit out with an axe.
	And so it was just chipped up fucking wood, right?
	So it's, we have, we put it into my buddy's fucking hashtag.
	Just fill this thing with chips up wood.
	Bring it all the way back.
	Dude, we burned all that wood in like 12. Yeah, it's been kindling.
	Yeah.
	It was gone.
	It took like an entire day.
	Man, that sucks.
	Oh, LA was so hard in the beginning, man.
	We bought a refrigerator off Craigslist.
	Yeah.
	We get it home.
	This was on my birthday and it wouldn't go in the fucking, we were literally running against it and trying to push it in, dude.
	I remember leaning against it and just fucking crying, bro.
	Dude, I had to move myself one time and I was trying to get a box spring up to the second floor of the bedroom.
	And same thing, it wouldn't fit.
	And it was, I dropped it, let it fall and just cried on the step.
	Same, it's so frustrating, dude.
	Lest we forget.
	Dude, just moving and not being able to fit something.
	It's like, I'm like, where am I going to get another box spring from?
	Yeah.
	I just am pissed off.
	I'm carrying this thing by myself.
	And it's just, you just go clonk.
	Yeah.
	You're like, dude, fuck.
	And life just wins and you just can't do it anymore.
	Yeah.
	God.
	I never got a box spring either.
	That was just it.
	I just put a mattress down.
	I was like, thought I could have a box spring and be a normal guy.
	Yeah.
	No, it sucks.
	Dude, my buddy, I used to sleep under his bed for a while, and he would have girls come over and they'd always go to the restroom or something before they were going to make out.
	And he'd come in there.
	He'd wake me up and he'd be like, don't fucking, but he'd wake me up and tell me to don't wake up.
	Don't be jacking off that.
	It was just crazy.
	Like, I wasn't going to wake up.
	I was being asleep.
	Yeah, I was going to be like, dude, don't fucking wake up because I got to check over.
	So you were just fucking like vampire underneath.
	Dead asleep.
	$150 a month, dude.
	That's not bad.
	That was a great deal, man.
	Were you like frill under the bed like a monster or was it like a loft kind of thing?
	Were you like, how much space did you have?
	Like a monster?
	How much space did you have?
	My hand just freaks out the itch.
	Was it like the loft style set up and you were just going to know?
	Okay.
	So yeah, I had probably, I would say 20 inches under there.
	Not bad.
	Did you get scared when you woke up?
	Yeah, probably 19 inches.
	A couple times.
	You start to adapt.
	That makes sense.
	I only have one experience.
	I slept at my cousin's house one time when I was little and I slept on the floor, but I would move around while sleeping.
	I ended up with like half of my body under his bed and I freaked out when I woke up.
	So I didn't know where the fuck I was.
	I just looked up and I was like, what the fuck?
	Yeah.
	Scary.
	But that must have been sick to be laying under someone having sex late like that.
	Yeah, well, it was, and I think low-key, he did it because he was trying to make sure I knew he was hooking up with chicks.
	You know, he always like, he always like did that.
	I should have gave him a little, just so he would know, just from the bottom.
	Just push a little with my legs.
	Yeah, give him a little boost.
	Yeah, give him a little.
	He's leg press him like a quarter inch deeper.
	That would have been righteous as hell.
	That would have been cool.
	Should have been like, holy shit.
	It's a strength of two men.
	She would have loved it.
	Dude, anybody that has sex for more than probably six or seven minutes is out of their fucking mind.
	It's ridiculous, man.
	Thank you.
	I'm praying about this.
	I'm like, even to say it, I felt afraid to say it all.
	No, I used to live, me and Brittany lived below a couple, and the guy would just, for fucking like 40 minutes, just be like, and it was just never ending.
	We'd be like, dude, come on, man.
	This isn't even sexy anymore.
	It was just like, dude, what are you doing?
	Yeah.
	It's all, yeah.
	It's like, what are you doing?
	What is shit?
	Yeah, dude.
	Just go do anything else.
	Yeah.
	I agree.
	I mean, if you're really getting after it, 12 minutes top.
	12 minutes is crazy.
	Yeah, on a par, like on a red, um, six, perfect.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	One, two is like understandable.
	Yeah.
	It happens.
	You have to definitely.
	Yeah, I would get so nervous.
	Sometimes I would get off.
	I'd be like, what was that?
	And I'd run out of there.
	Just shit.
	Like, you know, oh, you hear that or something?
	I'd run out of the fucking room or something.
	Wait, what do you mean?
	Like, if I would get, you know, ejaculate early or whatever.
	Oh, true.
	Yeah.
	What the fuck was that?
	Did you feel that earthquake?
	What the fuck was that?
	And I'd just fucking run out of the room.
	Come back like 10 minutes later with my clothes on.
	Just not even that.
	Although, I feel like women secretly, I mean, not even secretly, they'd much prefer that than like if you just couldn't finish.
	It devastates women.
	If you can't finish.
	Dude, they, you know, people like say, guys are bad at being like, oh, fuck, she didn't come.
	But like, dude, if a dude doesn't come ever, like, women will implode.
	But that's, I think, the new move is not like just coming for just fun, like just party coming or whatever.
	Like, people are just coming for fun.
	I think that's kind of those days are over.
	Yeah.
	I mean, do you mean like personally or just kind of like for me?
	Yeah.
	It's like, I want to just, I want to be the guy that kind of, you know, ejaculates like with a purpose or whatever.
	Yeah, build it.
	Is that crazy?
	What the fuck am I talking about, dude?
	No, that's, that's insane.
	I think I'm Steve.
	I have this function.
	Ejaculations, dude.
	I have the same fantasy, though, where I'm like, I'm going to really like dial it in.
	And, you know, I'll be like tired before bed.
	And it's like, I'm going to beat off, even though I'm not horny.
	That's where I'm at.
	Oh.
	You're not even, you don't even want to, but you're sick.
	That's abuse, really.
	It is.
	And it feels like abuse.
	Yeah.
	You finish and you're like, I didn't need to do that.
	That was, it's crazy.
	Yeah, you feel so much shame.
	I feel a ton of shame happens for me from watching porno and watching myself jerk myself off.
	Watching yourself.
	Yeah, true.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	I mean, it's jerk.
	I don't mind jerking off.
	It's pornography for some reason.
	Like when it's over and I'm still watching it and I'm just like, if I can do like a memory beat, those I feel pretty guilt-free.
	Just went out in the shower, just kind of.
	Dude, I had a blind dude that lived with us for a bit and we would fucking, I saw him watching hand porn or whatever it's called.
	No.
	Reading like Braille and Rotica?
	Craziest thing ever, man.
	Really beautiful.
	Really, I mean, gay.
	I mean, like, yeah, I mean, it was, it wasn't gay.
	It was like, you know, but it was pretty cool.
	It was like, I'm trying to think of what movie it was.
	Braille's just shaped like boobs, and you're just going, oh, fuck, dude.
	Well, it was getting pretty crazy.
	You know?
	It's crazy.
	But it's just interesting to see, you know?
	It's almost like watching the Nature Channel.
	Yeah, that's kind of nuts.
	Oh, there you go.
	The Braille Superstore Romance.
	Oh, fuck, dude.
	I want to learn Braille just so I can do this.
	Oh, yeah.
	The Love Hypothesis.
	Damn, their titles are very poetic.
	It ends with us.
	It starts with us.
	Turn around and let me see the sexy body go boom.
	That's stupid.
	No, that was pretty sad.
	That was pretty bad.
	Lessons in Chemistry, Crash and Burn.
	These titles are good.
	Ooh, the Manning Sisters.
	What are they doing?
	That's probably about Eli and Peyton and getting a trance surgery.
	Dude, is Eli, does he just get carried along by Peyton?
	Is Peyton the one with all the pizzazz and Eli just gets kind of carried on?
	Didn't Eli win?
	Did Eli win?
	Peyton definitely won Super Bowls, but I thought Elon, Eli, not Elon.
	Eli won one, yeah, with the Giants.
	He won one.
	He beat the Pats, yeah.
	And Peyton, what?
	Peyton won two?
	That's a good question.
	He won with Denver, didn't he?
	Yeah.
	I think so.
	Oh, yeah, he did.
	He did.
	Because I would have thought Peyton was definitely the guy, but apparently Eli was kind of nasty as well.
	Oh, Eli was pretty wild, man.
	Yeah.
	Eli is definitely funnier to be around when I'm around the two of them.
	Really?
	I haven't been around him much.
	Maybe that sounds like humble bragging.
	It's not.
	No.
	But Peyton went to UT, so you see him sometimes like in Nashville or in Tennessee.
	Peyton probably.
	Peyton's a great actor.
	He's good at those commercials.
	He actually, yeah, he's pretty good.
	He also, he probably whooped Eli's ass, dude.
	Ooh, that's a great question.
	Dude, I can tell.
	He definitely whooped his ass.
	That's a great question.
	Dude, I forgot.
	You're asking me what I've been up to.
	I've been visiting schools.
	Now I have to look at real schools.
	My oldest daughter's going to turn five.
	So that's like kindergarten.
	So she has to get to the real school system.
	And we were looking at this one place and they have plainclothes just like guards now with guns.
	So it's kind of sick.
	I was like, dude, I really want to retire and become a plainclothes, just walk around a school, just grow like a ponytail and just be a teacher.
	That's all you do all day.
	You carry a gun.
	You just wait for like some nerd to pop off and you just blast them.
	Dude, that would be honorable, man.
	What if you start tripping in your head and thinking that somebody's like, some kid is like plotting and stuff?
	Like, I'm like the true detective.
	I'm Russ Cole of School Security.
	I'd have to wait till they pop.
	They'd have to pull out first.
	I'd think you would set a kid off.
	I'd be like, no, I'm saying, you're saying like, get like all tripped out.
	Like, damn, is this kid getting paranoid?
	Like, I know these motherfuckers.
	Like, Damien's up to specific.
	I know he's packing.
	No, I would just wait.
	I would chill.
	I'd do my thing.
	And the moment one of those motherfuckers pulled out the steel, I would just be there ready to die and just walk him down.
	Oh, God.
	That's your job.
	Mr. Walk them down Crayola style.
	Walk them down, bro.
	And if I, you know, if I died, I'd die a fucking hero.
	You can't die, dude.
	He's a fucking kid.
	He's two hands even holy.
	What if an adult could?
	Sometimes like crazy adults.
	That's true.
	That's what I'm saying.
	Yeah, that's better.
	Let's freak.
	It's like evil nerds or a fucking like just wild adult.
	Either one could get it.
	Yeah.
	Either one could get it.
	Oh.
	But it's like, dude, that would be, that would be.
	I was just at this school and it was like, I saw the guy because they were like, you know, my wife said, do you have security?
	And like, we have plain clothes.
	I'm like, right on.
	And then I saw, I was like kind of sussing out like I see people walking around.
	Yeah.
	As soon as I saw like, oh, dude, I'm like, oh, there's the plainclothes security guard.
	Yeah.
	When I was young, we just had like a MILF with a hammer running around.
	You know, like, we were lucky, dude.
	Yeah, we didn't have any security, man.
	Yeah.
	We didn't have shit.
	We did.
	Yeah, now you need it.
	Now you did, dude, the plainclothes guys at a school, that would be so sick just walking around chilling, knowing like, yeah, dude.
	All I have to do is chill here.
	Listen to Desperado in your fucking AirPods?
	Non-stop.
	It'd be nothing but shit like that.
	Just fucking enter Sandman.
	Yeah, I would just be getting hype for like 30 years, just being like, let's go.
	Let's fucking tall scene gun man.
	That would be crazy, dude.
	Damn, dude.
	Yeah, by the end of it, I'd just be tipping my hat to the teachers like, man, all black leather cowboy off.
	Like, dude, can you be a little more low-cape?
	You shit once a week.
	I'd roll a tumbleweed before I walked anywhere.
	I'd just kick a tumbleweed across from me.
	Bro, people should have their own tumbleweeds, right?
	Yeah, dude.
	Just throw it on a string, just kiss it.
	Yeah, a hero should have a couple of tumbleweeds in front of him, dude.
	True, just fucking give it.
	I would just kick it as I walk.
	Or even some twinks dressed up hiking hay and stuff.
	That'd be nice.
	That'd be nice.
	Spinning around.
	Like a Tonto.
	Tonto.
	Yeah, that was fucking killing me, dude.
	I kept fucking with my wife.
	I was like, bro.
	Wow.
	I love, that's the one thing.
	We went to Chicago and she was like crushing me because she's from there.
	So like when we were visiting her family, I was like, you got to be careful now.
	And like they kept calling them like the hop out boys, which, you know, you shouldn't give these guys like a cool name like that.
	But they were like, dude, you're just hopping out of cars with AR-15s and just carjacking people.
	So my wife was telling me about it the whole time.
	She hates when I do this, but I'll be like, bro, I wish a motherfucker would pop out of me with that thing.
	She's like, dude, it's not funny.
	It's very serious.
	I was like, bro, it'd be the worst day of that guy's life.
	She said, would you please stop?
	This is serious.
	I was like, I wish one of those motherfuckers would.
	And the whole time we were there, I was like, please, please, those guys don't come.
	But yeah, you got to.
	Did you have a you had a piece on you?
	No, I didn't have anything.
	I told her I was going to grab the barrel and tie it in a knot.
	I'm like, get the fuck out of here, you punk.
	Bro.
	Your wife is going to be holding the blood in your body, dude.
	I just say that to fuck with her.
	In the reality, I would have fucking bailed.
	I'd be like, all right, you guys, you can have the car and the family.
	I'm out of here.
	Do you think a wife likes it if the husband has a gun on him?
	Definitely.
	These days.
	I think they love that shit.
	I mean, dude, you could get the most lib lady, but she's not love.
	All libs secretly, I think I've even talked about this before.
	All libs secretly want just a red-pilled badass, in my experience.
	They want a dude with a gun.
	I went to social work school.
	A lot of the women there secretly had deeply conservative husbands who worked as financial guys.
	And they were all like, you know.
	They just do it because they feel like somebody has to promote what would be idealistic.
	I mean, that's what a lot of like, I guess, I don't know.
	I mean, a lot of people's views, it's just like this.
	Ideally, yes, it would be awesome, but some of them it's just not practical.
	It's like, like I have friends that like will talk to me about like, well, you guys have guns there in America and stuff like that.
	And it's just dangerous.
	And why can't you guys figure that out?
	And people want to have their guns.
	It's like, there's no way to not have it.
	Yeah.
	The bad guys have guns.
	Already.
	It's too late.
	If you do a gun drive, the good guys are just going to give their guns away.
	I know.
	You just have to have them, dude.
	And what are you going to call a policeman who does it?
	If he doesn't have a gun, he's not coming to help you.
	He's done.
	Yeah, exactly.
	What do you think they're going to drive by and honk at you guys while you're beaten or shot in the yard?
	Yeah, you can't really do anything about it.
	But I do think, yeah, I think if you, but ideally, yes, it'd be great if there weren't like.
	I wish there weren't.
	Right.
	But that has to go away quickly.
	Yeah.
	Because there are people shooting each other all the time.
	Oh, yeah.
	You have to get past that idea.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, you're not going to be able to, the technology change is going to have to be an interchange because the guns are there.
	Criminals are going to have them.
	And it's like, yeah, like, what do you want to not have one when a criminal with a gun comes to you?
	Yeah.
	Or the government has to be the one who takes them.
	And then that's a whole other can of worms because it's like, we're not giving you my fucking guns.
	Fuck no, dude.
	Yeah.
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	It's a tricky thing, although, you know, it's a right now a lot of people are gloating on the libs.
	I don't want to gloat on the libs.
	A lot of people are gloating on them because Trump got elected.
	Yeah, me neither.
	I'm not gloating on the libs.
	I'm not into that.
	No, I'm not into that at all.
	I think we're in, dude, how did the Ken Wilber thing go, by the way?
	Oh, yeah.
	Ken Wilbur, super interesting guy.
	He has the best take on this whole situation.
	On the culture war.
	Oh, I don't know if I talked to you about that.
	It was a lot of listening and learning.
	Was it a lot of stuff?
	Yeah, but we worked together to make it as effective conversation as we could.
	Nice.
	But it was really cool just learning about his philosophy of how as a species, we are evolving and over time, we're just advancing.
	So how those affect you personally and how you fucking do it.
	Dude, well, his thing is, no, dude, so it's fucking, did he get into like how there's like holarchies and some of it?
	There's like cells and cells turn into like organisms, organisms turn into humans, you know, blah, blah, blah.
	Yeah, we started going up the chain of command, right?
	And then also how we're advancing as.
	And our worldviews are doing the same thing where we had like, you know, like medieval rulers and the democracies.
	And then the libs are the leading edge of cultural evolution where it's like everything's being more and more inclusive physically and worldviewly, you know, in terms of worldview.
	It's just the libs lost the plot or they call it the green wave lost the plot because they include everybody but like, you know, Trump, white type Trump voters.
	Yeah.
	And the whole thing's collapsing in on itself.
	All they have to do is just love everybody.
	Yeah.
	And they'd have the commitment, they'd have the superior worldview.
	It's a good point, actually.
	I think a lot of people did.
	I mean, I don't know, dude.
	I was a Democrat.
	I mean, like, I got so angry when they did that stuff to Bernie, you know, like, my dad was an old man.
	So I, to me, it also registered like somebody taking advantage of an older person.
	So that shit, like, at that point for me, I was just like, what's going on here?
	And then I am super concerned about like the big pharma and medicine just using us all and not caring that we're human beings.
	Like, yes, there's a lot of medicine that's helping people, but also like everybody shouldn't be on a, on a medicine.
	Yeah.
	You know, and there's some commercials for medicines.
	They don't even say what it does.
	Yeah.
	Then you look it up and it's like it's for like heart failure.
	And you're like, why the fuck are you?
	This is a baseball game, dude.
	I'm not going to be like, yo, can I get that heart failure medication?
	Yeah.
	You have to request it.
	The wheelchair gun or whatever.
	There's all kind of shit.
	And you're like, what the, what do we even need that for?
	Yeah.
	But yeah, that's the big standoff right now.
	It's like.
	So I liked RFK.
	He was kind of the guy that I thought was neat.
	Me too.
	I'm into him.
	Yeah.
	I like the fact that he's doing all that stuff against all those things.
	And then I think, I don't think we have the same parties anymore.
	I don't feel like it's Democrats and Republicans anymore.
	There's something else happening.
	Yeah.
	And it's going to keep morphing.
	Well, that's the Wilbur stuff is that the green, it was like orange is like the business science wave.
	And the green wave was the one, it's like in terms of worldviews, you could have like what he called red was like ethnocentric.
	That was what he called Trump.
	It's like things that speak to like ethnocentric ideals where people get to the point where they can only recognize like people that look like them.
	They can only care about people who look like them, which is like a reality for a lot of people all across the world.
	It's like, you know, every country.
	And every country is like, we have the best food.
	We have the most beautiful.
	Everybody, you know, does this.
	And then his whole theory is that you slowly grow out of it to more complex and inclusive worldviews.
	But it was, again, it was like that, the thing that crushed Peter Jordison, what the fuck is his name?
	Jordison Peterson.
	Jordison Peterson.
	Jordan Peterson, Jesus Christ.
	His whole thing we call as like postmodern neo-Marxism is that green wave Ken Wilber talks about where it's like the leading edge where all the colleges are like radical inclusivity, but all they have to do is go, Trump guys, you're cool too.
	That's all they have to do.
	They can't do it.
	And now the whole thing's just imploding on itself.
	Well, that's the part that makes you start to think, do they just hate like white men?
	For me, it's like in three generations, I always say like beige power.
	Like everybody's going to be beige, right?
	In three generations, everybody's going to be like, you know, Ben Simmons, Blake Griffins, you know, penguin people mixed.
	Yeah.
	And so it's just kind of weird.
	How do we want to operate that in the meantime, right?
	Exactly.
	But then I think when people get scared, especially with like threats of war, fears, they start to, they want to gravitate towards whatever is their, seemed like their people.
	Yeah, like prison.
	Prison's the same thing.
	You go to prison, everyone's, you know, it's all like based on race and all that stuff.
	Yeah.
	But everybody is a jelly roll fan.
	That's true.
	Which is pretty crazy.
	Well, dude, it's like, yeah, where they felt like, you know, this is like if you didn't, the Wilbur, it's hard to explain without seeing the Wilbur thing, but it's like, if you take what's called like a lib or a, you know, a postmodern neo-Marxist, whatever they want to call it, like people who are, you know, like a radical feminist, they built their, their thing was right in being like, we should be nice to everybody.
	We shouldn't be mean to gay people.
	We shouldn't be mean to minorities.
	They're totally correct.
	The problem was they went, and the reason everything's so bad, they're like, we hate racism in every form, every type of discrimination, and it's all because of white people.
	And it just like went right back down toward.
	Now you're just being racist in a more sophisticated fashion.
	And that's the whole thing.
	That's why it's not, if it's a truly like visionary and leading, like kind of like evolutionary tip of like our spiral upward into like complexity and greater wholeness, people would get on board.
	It's clashing.
	That's the next step.
	The next step is like being like, okay, here's all the good stuff from your worldview.
	And we're going to apply that to everybody.
	And rather than being like, this is the reason everything's fucked up is because blah, blah, blah.
	Cause it's like.
	Yeah.
	And that's another thing.
	I mean, that's one thing that kind of gets worried about Trump is like, is he going to be pointing fingers?
	Is that shit end?
	You know, is that kind of end?
	And so it is for now, but it's like, I think they're good.
	RFK is smart where he's kind of like, I don't want to participate in any of this stuff.
	Yeah.
	And hopefully he'll kind of get up in his ear because I mean, it is so sweet slamming the libs.
	I will give it, it is, there's, I get like a, when I see the libs get owned, I do, there's part of the libs, the liberals?
	Yeah, it's just like, that's like on the internet, like liberals owned, liberals slam.
	And it's like you watch, they do those like, you know how they do those like 25 students versus like Ben Shapiro?
	Yeah.
	That's like slamming the libs porn where it's like him just like taking on 19 year olds and like, actually, you don't know anything about that.
	And then everyone's just like, tell him Ben fucking crushed the libs.
	And I will, there's a dark part of my heart that's like, yes, when I watch that.
	Ben Simmons got that hair wallet on.
	Dude, they did one of them where they make people run to the chair to tap the chair so that they get the chance to debate him.
	And it's, dude, it's embarrassing.
	People are like tripping over themselves to hit the chair and be like, actually, Ben, I think you're fucking ass on.
	He's like, next.
	And I'm like, dude, don't run to the chair.
	You're an adult.
	They're like diving for it.
	Just to be like, actually, Ben, have you ever seen it?
	It's like, so I've been trying to remove, I know I have a bias towards that.
	And I've been trying to like remove that from my life.
	Watching that stuff.
	Yeah.
	Not that that stuff I'm like, whatever on, but it's like, I will watch like news clips where like liberals melt down about.
	And I'll be like, well, I'll check this out.
	And I'll be like, I've been trying to erase that because I'm like, it's right.
	It's not good.
	It's not good.
	And it's just.
	Yeah, I mean, I don't know.
	I don't care.
	Like, I just want, like, I don't know.
	Some shit just started to get really weird.
	I think, well, Kamala wouldn't come on podcasts, right?
	I thought that that was weird.
	It was like, and we asked, and they said, well, do you guys give final edit, right?
	And they asked, did Trump ask for final edit?
	You know?
	Did he?
	No.
	They didn't ask for anything.
	They shouldn't, dude.
	They didn't ask for anything.
	JD Vance showed up.
	Dude, there were snipers on the ice.
	I stayed up late, like trying to get some questions together and think of some things.
	And we invited everybody.
	Those were the them, Bernie Sanders, and Mark Cuban came on.
	He was very much like a Democrat or Democratic, yeah, yeah.
	But he gets something.
	I didn't realize he gets if they won, he get, there's a business incentive, you know?
	Yeah.
	I didn't realize that some of these things I'm learning as I go, right?
	That's typically what billionaires, yeah, when they're like, when they're involved in politics, it usually is like, yeah, I didn't realize that.
	I'm like, oh, people aren't just out there hooter on for no reason.
	There's some reason.
	Yeah, he's not freaking out over like banned books and schools.
	He's like, I need you to, you know, build a railroad from here to there, whatever the fuck he's up to.
	Yeah.
	But we had common ground and like just different thoughts and stuff.
	And definitely inspiring to be able to talk to people like that.
	But I woke, so I wake up that morning and it was like an hour until the thing.
	I was like, I got to get in the freaking ice bath.
	I got to make sure I'm in a decent try to do something to get hype.
	Do you get spun out when you have level, like guests of that high profile?
	Yeah, man.
	I get fucking, I get crunched, dude.
	I can't handle it, man.
	We had RFK on.
	I could barely like formulate a sentence.
	Wow.
	And neither can he, though, which is great.
	That's a joke, Bobby.
	He'll laugh at it.
	He will.
	He'll laugh at it.
	Dude, watch suddenly he fucking fixes his own voice, dude.
	That's over, dude.
	It's over.
	It's over.
	And it's, dude, and it's like, yeah, imagine he is such, he'd be such, he's such an electrifying speaker and thinker anyway.
	But yeah, it's, that works against him.
	He's been in.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	But so, but I wake up.
	There's fucking, I go in the ice pack.
	There's like secret service ever.
	They had drape put drapes, black drapes in front of the house, right?
	Damn.
	They shut down exits off the interstate.
	I had no idea.
	They shut down the whole city.
	Bro, I had no idea.
	There's snipers on the roof, on the roof, full tactical gear.
	I'll put pictures in the YouTube.
	Holy shit.
	And then, oh, my neighbor, right?
	I fucking look at my phone.
	He's like, what's up?
	Are you?
	And then he put blank, like just underlines.
	And they thought it was one of those things where like suicide in the house, like, like they were sending people in to get, like, taking my own life at home.
	That's how he asked you if you killed yourself?
	He said, are you?
	Well, he sent like four messages.
	And so at that point, because it was like already 11. I slept in.
	I was up to probably three, just like getting my questions ready.
	So I was like, I have to make sure I sleep.
	And he's like, dude, we were so scared, man.
	He's like, because we saw them like, they thought they were rappelling into the home.
	And I was like, what?
	I thought I killed myself?
	What the fuck, dude?
	We just assumed you fucking killed yourself.
	Yeah, that's oh, and they had a van outside that some weird term on it, like threw people off.
	Yeah, and the black curtains around your house would be yeah, I think people thought, but that's what people thought.
	That makes sense.
	That kind of makes more sense.
	It was morgue-esque, you know?
	Yeah, it was like so gruesome that they were like, we gotta.
	But they also had this like Stan's Bakery ban or something.
	Like, it was definitely, they kind of like play this old cat.
	And I'm like, what is kind of fucking happening here?
	That's crazy.
	It was super crazy, dude.
	Stan's bakery used to have snipers.
	I'm like, yeah, we just got to get these cupcakes in.
	We'll be right back.
	There's some wake treats.
	Yeah.
	Just so there's a viewing of the body.
	Hey, first come, first serve, guys.
	Dude, that was crazy, though.
	That was one of the craziest things that had ever happened for sure.
	But he comes in and I was like, hey, man, thanks for coming.
	I was like, you know, just want to let you know we don't have any, we're not like a gotcha type of show.
	For sure.
	You know, just looking forward to having a nice conversation, which is what I tell anybody.
	Yep.
	And he's like, whatever, man.
	It's all good.
	Yes.
	Let's have a chat.
	And that was it.
	And it was fun.
	You know?
	Yeah, man.
	It was interesting.
	Yeah, I feel bad everyone's so still hyped up about this stuff.
	I honestly think if you look at it, I don't hate when people lose anything.
	You know, it's tough when there's a winner and a loser.
	Dude, I was in a grocery store the day of, I guess, like he got elected the night.
	And then, you know, in like three in the morning or whatever, he won at three in the morning.
	And then I was in the grocery store the next day.
	And they have like magazines in the grocery store.
	This magazine was just Kamala or Kamala.
	And it was just a picture of her.
	I didn't even know what magazine it was.
	It was just her name and her.
	I got like real sad for her.
	I was like, damn, dude, that's so impressive.
	If I just lost and I saw like a magazine with just me on it, I'd cry.
	Yeah.
	So I felt pretty bad for her.
	I was like, damn, that really sucks for that lady.
	She just, I mean, that, dude, that I, people, they've spent, I think, a billion dollars on the campaign.
	It just shows you that it's must.
	But also then, if that's the truth, if say if, okay, they spend that much on the campaign, right?
	Both these hodes spend a ton of money.
	But if the, if there's just like these powers in the background doing things, it's just like, why would they, if it's not even real, say the office isn't even, you know, it's just for show.
	Sure.
	It just seems like you wouldn't waste that much money.
	So there must really be.
	I think there is, man.
	I think there really is.
	You get in and it's like power.
	It's just teams.
	Yeah.
	It's like you're on this team.
	This is on that team.
	You know, could it all be organized?
	Like that would be pretty elaborate to like set it all up when you could reality just be like, yeah, you know, we're putting this guy in.
	They could just have the coolest guy ever just come.
	Be like, yo, we love this guy.
	And they can meanwhile just be doing whatever.
	But yeah, dude, I think I guess it all is real.
	You know, I think it's, it's real.
	And they just there's like groups and lobbyists and certain paths.
	I don't, I don't, that's where I kind of lose it.
	It was interesting, that's for sure.
	And I'll say who made the whole thing happen.
	Oh, Kamala reportedly spent $100,000 on building a set for her appearance on Call Her Daddy.
	Like, dude, why?
	Here is the set in question.
	So they rebuilt their own set, I guess.
	Well, because they wanted, I think, a host to come to her.
	So I think she didn't want to go anywhere.
	So she built the set.
	But I wonder if she has.
	I mean, you know, it's just kind of weird.
	It's like, just go there.
	Right.
	I wonder if she may have a thing where she doesn't like going.
	Like, sometimes I don't like sleeping at people's houses or whatever.
	You know what I'm talking about?
	I wonder if she has that.
	She can't shit anywhere else but her house, maybe?
	Could be.
	Which is where people should shit.
	People who like transient shitting.
	Hey, man.
	Amen.
	Sorry.
	I agree, though, but I always want to be home.
	That's my thing.
	I always want to be.
	I'm getting a little, I was like pretty guarded about that, but now I'm like just letting it rip.
	I've been flying more, so I'm just kind of like, whatever, man.
	But I do agree.
	Home is where the heart is, truly.
	Like, I do want to shit at home every time.
	Yeah.
	I agree with you.
	You should get more points.
	Like, you should get like money back or something if you shit at home.
	You should.
	You should, dude.
	Right.
	I should be a tax writer, like a credit or something.
	Because it is, but it's, dude, just, I also, like, the violence of shitting that's occurring in airport bathroom.
	It's like, it's upsetting.
	People are shitting so hard in those.
	I mean, I don't know why we're back to this, but.
	Oh, people are shitting at top speed.
	It's crazy.
	That's the craziest thing to me ever is when somebody shits at full blast speed.
	Like, are you out of your mind?
	You're going to hurt yourself.
	I'm hearing self-guy.
	From hearing in public bathrooms, most people are in there just having like religious experiences, just being there.
	It's like, full ayahuasca dumps.
	They're all like blowing it out.
	It's crazy.
	Wow.
	Just slanging disciples out of your butt.
	Everyone's fucked up, dude.
	They need Bobby Kennedy to get all the crap out of the food.
	Everyone's shitting to death in the bathroom.
	Bro, there's also part of me that I feel like, do you think we can get more together or do you think we should just have two Americas?
	Do you think?
	No, because, dude, we're like, people don't realize it, but the parties are rubbing off on each other so much.
	Like now, like on, like, well, most people want the same stuff.
	Most people do, but I'm saying like the Republicans now have been so, like, let's say conservatives are so annoyed by liberals that now they're like going out of their way to be so not racist.
	Be like, oh yeah, you think we're racist?
	Check this out.
	We're going to employ like 47 black dudes now.
	How do you like?
	They're doing it almost.
	I'm not saying they're doing it despite them, but it's like they have gotten just way more inclusive.
	Like every, you know, like the conservatives and everything.
	Before it was like only, pretty much only all white guys.
	Now there's a lot of different people in like the conservative movement.
	So it's like, yeah, the liberals bring stuff up.
	The conservatives are like, shut the fuck up.
	And then they actually do kind of do a lot of the stuff, but you know, not even realizing it.
	Yeah.
	So they're kind of both like bouncing each other.
	But people, you know, they're all just caught up in like the primal and tribal aspect of it.
	But it's like, things are going pretty fucking well, dude.
	Oh, first you know, White House chief of staff in history.
	Yeah, dude.
	Like all this stuff is happening because it's like they're like amazing Susie Wiles.
	And she's Pat Summerall, John Madden's former broadcast partner's daughter.
	Oh, interesting.
	Yeah, dude, I'm telling you, once we just like stop the nonsense of like bitterly arguing about everything, it's going to be pretty chill.
	Yeah.
	Ben Carson, I think, is going to put back into.
	I like some of his ideas.
	B. Carson?
	Yeah, that guy's kind of cool.
	He's like a surgeon.
	Oh, Rise and Shine Carson, dude.
	He's got super.
	I like the guy.
	His blood, bro.
	He's got his blood pressure.
	Who's the guy?
	He's just like a synth drum.
	There's not much popping, dude.
	The one dude, like Byron something, he's a black conservative guy from Florida.
	Byron Davis?
	He's nice.
	That guy, I saw he was on the Breakfast Club.
	No, not Byron Davis.
	He plays basketball.
	Byron, he's like a governor from there.
	that's my bro right there, Byron Donald's.
	That's a good bro right there.
	Well, it's definitely interesting to see that everything's getting diverse.
	What was that tweet that Adam McKay had?
	I thought that that was something when I read that, it resonated with me.
	I think...
	I don't know.
	But yeah, like I said, it's like...
	Yeah, I do.
	Like I said, I think people are getting real doom and gloom, but it's like, I'm of the minority opinion.
	I think things are going to get pretty sweet, actually.
	Yeah.
	Who would have guessed lying about Biden's cognitive health for two years?
	That shit made me so mad, dude.
	Just taking advantage of an old man.
	Like, it's just not cool.
	You know what I'm saying?
	His family shouldn't have allowed it.
	I know, dude.
	You know, it's just not cool because then you're lying to him also, right?
	So you're placating him.
	Like, you're just, you're using, it just, it seems like cruelty to a human, right?
	Refusing to do an open conversation for a new nominee, never mentioning public health care, embracing fracking, and year-long slaughter of children in Gaza.
	That's, that to me was one thing that definitely was like.
	Yeah, they blew it so hard.
	I mean, again, if you're some of the stuff, I don't know, but the children in Gaza thing, and I think just taking advantage of Biden, it just felt like, is this party really doing this?
	Or are they, what's happening here?
	Well, like, all they had to do was, if she could have came out and be like, bro, we all saw it.
	Dude's old as hell.
	You know, let's see.
	Like, everybody felt like he wasn't.
	Let's not fucking instead, she was like, he's fine.
	Like, why did they take him out?
	It's like, you can't do that.
	Yeah.
	All they had to do was like, obviously the dude is fucking going nuts and getting old.
	Come on, let's move on.
	It was just, they were just lying.
	You know, when someone's lying and you're like, dude, you're bullshitting me.
	It was just that.
	And everyone could see it.
	And it was just like, and now too, you know, not to, you know, fluff the podcasting too much, but it's like now they can't go on like the sound buddy little things.
	They have to go sit down and like answer actual questions.
	And people now, like, I didn't know, I couldn't tell what interviews were edited when I was younger.
	Now people are like more savvy about media.
	So they're able to be like, oh, that's, that was a weird jump.
	They cut something out.
	Like, well, here's the whole thing.
	Yeah.
	So now you have to be able to sit down and actually communicate rather than like hitting talking points and like engineering, you know, people's ideas on things.
	Do you think that Rogan's endorsement helped Trump win or do you think it had any effect?
	It didn't hurt, but I think it didn't hurt, but just what he does, I think helped him win for sure.
	It's like having setting a standard where like politicians now have to go sit down for at least a two-hour conversation.
	Yeah, because really what he did over the past years is just investigate him and he asked so many questions about everything to all types of people.
	So you learned so much.
	And he's not a gotcha guy either.
	So he's good at just being like, look, help me understand this.
	And that's when people really get kind of flushed out where it's like, if they're not making sense, and you know, he's pretty adamant about like, I don't get that.
	That doesn't make sense.
	You know, I'm a weak interviewer.
	I'll be like, okay, it won't make sense.
	That's cool.
	I get burnt out.
	I get exhausted.
	Dude, I was in there yesterday and it was like, I was just like, I feel like I've been kind of losing my mind this week.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	I don't know what was going on.
	I just was like getting like a lot of paranoia.
	It's the worst.
	Yeah.
	And I don't know if I met it.
	I don't know if I missed a day.
	I don't know what happened, but I was like, fucking thought I was going crazy yesterday.
	It's kind of crazy when you have days when you start asking people like, am I okay?
	You know, that's a weird thing.
	Yeah.
	That is, it's so hard to explain, but I'll just be like walking sometimes and I'll just get like a feeling where I'm like, bro, I'm fucking losing it right now.
	And it's like, that is the worst.
	You're like, man, I just kept spent the whole day.
	And it was like the whole day was like that, man.
	And then I had to go in there and I felt very nervous.
	So then you felt like you're under a microscope.
	Yeah.
	And yeah.
	What do you do to keep yourself kind of on the square?
	Is there like a, any kind of program?
	Yeah, usually go to AA meetings.
	That helps.
	Yeah.
	Do yoga.
	I got hurt a couple, like a month ago.
	Some guy squeezed me after a football game.
	I was in, when Vanderbilt beat Alabama, I was there.
	And this guy just squeezed me so much.
	What?
	And then all the players, some guy on the sidelines.
	Oh.
	Yeah.
	Some devout just brother had really squeezed me.
	I mean, like I was a fucking, like he was going to brush his teeth with me right after.
	That sucks.
	He got it.
	Yeah.
	I was just like, ah.
	Where'd it get you?
	Over here.
	It's ripped.
	Oh, fuck.
	Yeah.
	But then all the players had just won and they were like, wow.
	And then everybody squeezed me, dude.
	Yeah, and they fucked.
	So you couldn't do the yoga.
	For like, yeah, for weeks.
	And so then my mental starts going down.
	Yeah.
	That's us right there.
	Yeah, that's pretty much it.
	That's Cheryl Jr. right there, I believe.
	That's amazing, dude.
	We got that coach, Clark Lee.
	Oh, that's Skinner Jr. right there.
	Damn, that thing's pretty heavy too, man.
	Those coolers aren't.
	Yeah, a decent amount of water in it.
	Nice.
	Oh, you got the lead, too.
	We got him.
	He's cool.
	That's awesome.
	That's fucking awesome.
	Damn, it's just got squeezed by the strongest dudes in the country.
	Yes.
	Yeah, that's what happened.
	And then, so, yeah, but anyway, I'm not whining about it, but it's just like you can't do anything, bro.
	You go to open your refrigerator and you suction on the refrigerator.
	Oh, that hurts.
	Yeah, when your ribs are fucked up, it hurts to breathe.
	Every breath, you're like, fuck.
	Yeah.
	And then you're pushing on the side of your body while you're doing everything.
	And you're walking around like this all day.
	Like you're fucking like one of these guys, like putting away a pocket watch or something, like in the 20s or whatever, like that little handicapped peanut that they fucking sent out there.
	Yeah.
	And you, and there's nothing you can do when your ribs hurt.
	There's no like sling or you can just, you have to, and yoga is just so much breathing.
	Every breath, you'd be like, and then you do like the, like this thing, you, oh, that would hurt.
	So yeah, just that, just, and I was just kind of losing my mind, dude.
	So then you go in there and you're like, am I saying crazy fuck?
	You start to get real paranoid.
	Yeah.
	I will say this, though.
	I think the person that won that election, I think the person that changed it was Dana White.
	Really?
	Undeniably.
	That's, why do you think that?
	Because he got Trump in the podcasts.
	He made it happen.
	He did it.
	Yeah.
	He is just, he did that.
	He made that happen.
	Yeah, that makes sense.
	He was the one being like, you got to do these.
	He's the one who like talked to Joe about it for years.
	It's been in discussion.
	I don't think Joe Rogan was going to do that.
	And then he did.
	Yeah.
	You know, And that put that did kind of push it.
	I think that helped actually.
	Yeah, Dana made all that happen.
	Dude, it got like that was the thing, too.
	It was like, just you, if you want to look at YouTube views, that's kind of like, I don't know if that works with polling, but it's like the Rogan Trump episode, what was it at?
	Like 30 million?
	It was at like millions quickly.
	The call, Call Me Daddy, that podcast with Kamala was like.
	I don't know if it had a million.
	I think it might have.
	47 million.
	47 million.
	If you look up the call her daddy or call him daddy or whatever, or call me daddy, excuse me.
	A call her daddy.
	There you go.
	It got 812,000.
	812,000.
	But that's just a clip.
	Now, here's the problem with calling her daddy.
	I'm not bragging my YouTube special to Better.
	I'm kidding.
	I'm sorry.
	I'm kidding.
	But that's what I'm saying.
	That is a gauge of public interest.
	And it's like public interest, in my opinion, probably translates to voting, I think.
	I don't know.
	Or at least people come in to experience the person, you know?
	True.
	Yeah.
	Definitely interesting.
	You can't watch the full episodes because they're on Sirius.
	Is that right?
	Sirius?
	Yeah, they only put a clip.
	Yeah.
	So you can't see the full episodes of these podcasts either.
	So you don't know what really.
	Well, you know, I wish her the best.
	I'm not like, yeah, that's the thing.
	I'm not like, I fucking hate that lady.
	I'm like, I felt sad.
	I didn't, I personally didn't really want her to win because I was just like, you know, I think Trump will probably maybe stop the wars faster.
	It's my hope.
	Well, I just, I don't know.
	I just, I don't know what's happening.
	I feel like there's a changing of these parties because you have former Democrats who are now Republicans, but they also don't even get along with half of the people in office.
	Yeah.
	People are sick of politicians overall.
	Big time.
	AIPAC and lobbyists have infiltrated what it seems like politics overall.
	It's like, and people, you can't hide the information from people anymore.
	Yeah.
	Well, dude, the weird thing was, is like they started like the Democrats started being like, I mean, George Bush was great and like, you know, Cheney and all that stuff.
	And it's like, why, why are they pumped on them?
	That to me was just weird where it's like, they're all dark.
	And then I think at the last minute, they started being like, yeah, we actually want strong borders and all that stuff too.
	Just because they were like, this is working.
	So, you know, it's, I think it's all part of a bigger process that is for the best, where it's like, like you were saying, the Republican Party is totally different, like way different.
	Remember like 1995?
	It was like, it was, it was like send people to jail for fucking, you know, 30 years for crack and all this stuff.
	And now it's like, we should get some of these guys out of prison, you know, which, which everyone's doing now, but that's because of like a liberal worldview.
	And that's been kind of like, they got to get a couple more brothers in the party, too, I think.
	I think, oh, it's common, dude.
	I think it's common.
	But here's the thing, too.
	It's like, so you have like the liberal people being like, yeah, we shouldn't send people to jail for having crack on them for 40 fucking years.
	And then you're like, yeah, that's a good idea.
	But then with the immigration thing, it's like, I personally have no problem with immigrants, but it's like you can only have so many, like that's a reality.
	Right.
	It's just, you can't invite the whole city to your party.
	It won't work.
	So the same thing happens with the border.
	And it's a shame because people want to escape like, you know, crushing poverty.
	But the Republicans are right in that you can't like, and it's like, if you're like just thinking on a human level, you're like, I don't want to like kick some guy out or have some guy come against a wall and be like, get the fuck back.
	But you do have to do that.
	But you also, I think there's ways you can do it in an organized pattern.
	Yeah, true.
	So you're properly vetting people.
	And then they used to have a system where people could serve, they could, you could almost adopt a homeless person or whatever who came across the border and you were their sponsor.
	That's cool.
	I'm super cool.
	So then you as a member of your country, right, or that you were born into, sure, it's a blessing, right?
	Easy for us to say that.
	But then you get to be part of the of immigrate.
	You know, it's like there's an actual connection there.
	So, you know, I don't know.
	That's a good, I like that idea, though.
	Yeah, it's easy to just say stuff.
	Let's change the topic.
	What else can we talk about?
	But I was saying, too, then you can kind of like set them up in like contests against each other.
	Oh, yeah.
	Well, people have had that.
	I've heard that material before I think of like doing like a American Ninja Warrior to come over the border.
	That would be nice too.
	Yeah.
	I was saying if you had like, if I adopted a guy, you adopted a guy, we could kind of make them compete.
	Yeah, like Battlebot.
	For the glory of our houses, yeah.
	Yeah.
	That's so sick.
	That would be awesome.
	And like in a fun way, you know what I mean?
	Totally.
	And you raise money for helping people that are coming over.
	Exactly.
	Fuck.
	Winner's family comes over.
	Yeah.
	Loser's family pays.
	That'd be a great.
	Dude, I had this idea for a game show, right?
	So check this out.
	You get two like kind of lifeguard chairs, right?
	And you have, you put like kind of cellophane, like kind of like some light blue plastic around them, right?
	You can still see through it.
	And at the bottom of the, at the bottom is a scale, right?
	And you get two guys who have eaten for like a week, haven't gone to the bathroom.
	Whoever can do the most poop in a given amount of time wins a car or something, maybe not a car, maybe a motorcycle.
	Dude, that's an awesome game.
	So you're inside the lifeguard chair, you're wrapped in blue.
	What's the blue wrapping?
	Just to kind of get it.
	Just because you don't have to see it.
	You don't want to see it.
	That'll work people out.
	But if you see the scale going up or something, it'll at least excite people.
	You don't think the viewers at home are going to see the pile?
	I think you want to be able to see it, but you want to see it vague.
	So you want it to be like opaque.
	Yeah, I see your just like a general shape.
	Yeah.
	Have like a frosted glass over something.
	Yes, that's what I mean, frosty glass.
	That would be nice.
	Yeah, that's a great show.
	Thanks, man.
	That is a fantastic show.
	On to the scale would be nice.
	I recently just did a thing where you have to poop at home and then like scoop it and mail it to get like results to see like what they think of your body.
	Dude, I swear to God, you can do that.
	You can mail it to a poop bro.
	I don't know, like a scientist.
	Science teacher?
	You send that shit to a scientist?
	You just sent it to a scientist and they're like, oh my God, bro.
	This is incredible.
	You've been fucking compromised, homie.
	You're mailing poop of your own to something?
	I did, yeah.
	I want to see it with my microbiotics.
	Dude, that was the thing.
	I thought you did a whole turd.
	They like give you a thing to put on your toilet paper.
	Or they put a thing to get on your toilet.
	It's like a paper thing that sticks.
	Then it has like a little, like, you know, like the dick part of your boxers?
	Yeah.
	It has like That, but for a turd.
	So there's like this thing.
	Yeah, it's like that.
	And then it catches it.
	And then you have to like scoop.
	I thought you just picked the turd up and put it in a jar, but no, you scoop like the smallest amount and then you put it in, like, shake it up in a solution.
	And then, um, they just tell you, like, what's up with your microbiome?
	Tell you, like, if they think you're chill or not.
	That was what it was.
	It was that one.
	What if they told you where your stepdad lives?
	We'll tell you.
	Yeah, I don't know, man.
	I also think a lot of this stuff, too, after doing it, I think it's just a way for companies to sell you vitamins because they can be like, based on this, we recommend X, Y, and Z. And once you've made you, once you, yeah, you almost want to buy it so they don't tell anybody about your poop.
	I feel like you'd be like, don't tell anybody about my poop.
	I'll buy the vitamins.
	Like, yeah, let's keep this between us.
	Yeah.
	Oh, dude, they could be like, yeah, that guy, we had his poop.
	We smelled.
	Me and Brittany sent him in at the same time.
	And my test was run first.
	And I kept telling her that they opened her vial and it shut down the lab.
	I was like, yeah, that whole place had to evacuate.
	They sent me an email.
	So they opened yours.
	That's love, dude.
	That's a fun one.
	That's a good thing about having a wife, too.
	You can just bother them.
	And do cool stuff like that.
	Take shits, yeah, shit in the tubes and mail it and just both wait for your shit test.
	That was kind of fun.
	Yeah.
	That's like jumping over the broom or whatever in some cultures.
	Yeah, exactly.
	Wow, dude.
	Were we just talking about medicine?
	Yeah, I think so.
	Well, we got off the politics stuff.
	So we're off the politics.
	Probably should have, huh?
	I feel like people are over it.
	But it's also, it's like, Do you think?
	Oh, look at this.
	Is this like a new slave or whatever?
	Oh, this is like the Tesla thing.
	Bro.
	Wow.
	Yeah, dude.
	I don't know.
	Elon rolled out some bots, too.
	What the heck?
	That's a slave?
	Where is that?
	This in Virginia, is it?
	That's like Portuguese.
	Yeah, that's like a different country.
	Yeah, Tesla, Tesla or Musk.
	Oh, boy.
	I would like a little robo lawnmower, though, I'll be honest.
	Damn, look at that guy ripped, dude.
	Dude, that'd be chill.
	That's crazy.
	They should keep the bots like R2D too.
	They shouldn't give them like legs and arms and shit.
	Yeah, you're right, actually.
	Well, you won't need these guys looking like people because then somebody's going to start fucking them.
	I mean, it's already happened, I'm sure.
	I like the way that thing's covered.
	That thing's savage.
	But then your kid will like, you're like, mow the yard.
	Your kid's like, I don't want to.
	My thumb too.
	Yeah.
	That's true, actually.
	That's kind of bullshit.
	Yeah, dude.
	I'm trying to think of what chores we had.
	Oh, dude, it was ridiculous, man.
	Dude, do you think it's weird?
	This is something that doesn't get talked about a lot is like, where do stepdads go when the divorce happens, you know?
	Because they kind of don't get to see the kids anymore, you know?
	Oh, I didn't think about that.
	You're saying when you get, oh, you divorce and you get divorced, you basically break up with the stepdad.
	I think they go back to like the apartment, dude.
	They straight to an apartment complex.
	That has a pool at it.
	Yeah.
	I think the representative from an apartment complex comes and picks them up in like a black limousine, takes them back, and they just wait in queue to be stepdads.
	But it's kind of crazy.
	You never think about that because a stepdad gets involved in a kid's life for a couple years, for better or for worse.
	Yeah.
	But then they have to just pick it up.
	I think some might stay kind of in, you know, I don't know.
	Is that weird though?
	Yeah, kind of.
	It depends.
	I feel like if you knew the kid from when it was a baby, you should, or just keep the phone line open and be like, bro, you can call me whenever you want, but I'm going to go look for some.
	But like the first couple years, you kind of check in and then you like forget one year.
	It's got to feel weird.
	Yeah, eventually, or if there's a new stepdad, you can't be like, hey.
	You gotta pass the baton and be like, it's a good boy.
	But do those stepdads meet somewhere and like have a, They meet at Sabaro and they ceremoniously split a piece of it.
	And the guy gives the new stepdad the fifth slice and he only has three.
	Hey, what's up?
	I'm Tom.
	2015 to 2017.
	Yeah, stepdadding is like, I kind of...
	Exactly.
	I kind of wish I was able to experience it a little bit, honestly.
	Yeah.
	But, you know, for real, I was always, I always assumed that was just like how it would go for me.
	I was like, yeah, I'll just kind of kick around and eventually I'll just date check with kids and be a stepdad.
	But it didn't work out that way.
	So I honestly wouldn't have minded.
	It'd be pretty sick.
	Yeah, sometimes I have a dream maybe that I meet a lady and she already has a kid, maybe.
	Yeah, man.
	Just get in there at like 10. You know, fucking what?
	That'd be awesome.
	10 years old.
	Yeah, I guess you're right.
	I guess you're right.
	Six.
	Get out.
	I'm telling you, man, it's like the first fucking three years of just no sleep.
	You get all your good sleep.
	You just hop in at six.
	They just started remembering stuff.
	It's perfect.
	And it's just fun.
	From then on, it's just fun.
	My buddy just had his third kid, and he's a black man.
	And he has, and it's funny, the other guys were like, dude, you're not even a black dad until you have three kids.
	That's crazy, bro.
	That's hilarious.
	Like two kids for a black guy.
	That's nothing, bro.
	That's so funny.
	That's child play.
	So now he's official.
	Yeah, now he's really, yeah, like, dang, all right.
	So you for real about it.
	He's really banging.
	Yeah.
	It's like the first two were just mixtapes, and this is like a real album.
	He's finally signed.
	Yeah.
	What else?
	Anything else in the news going on or anything else?
	Dude, I haven't even, I haven't been fucking following news.
	I don't know what's going on.
	What else is going on with me?
	Dude, you know what I've been doing recently?
	I've been researching.
	So I've been reading autobiographies.
	That's my big, that's my big kick right now.
	Wow.
	I've just been trying to just study people's lives and see like at the end of their life, what did they think was good?
	What did they think was bad?
	I only got through like once.
	Well, I got through a couple actually.
	But dude, it's been cracking me up.
	Bertrand Russell was like this famous mathematician.
	Bertram Russell?
	Bertrand Russell, yeah.
	He wrote, him and like this guy Whitehead wrote this like big book called Principia Mathematica, where they spent, I think, like 200 pages proving one plus one equals two.
	This was like the type of stuff he was on.
	Wow.
	Bizarre.
	Why?
	Just because they're finding ways that you couldn't not prove it.
	People are coming through and like underlying.
	So apparently math is like, there's like a set of axioms that like you just have to assume is true.
	You know, they want math.
	There's a bunch of people back in the day who wanted math to be able to like totally explain everything in the universe.
	It's just the way it is.
	But there is a aspect of faith in math where you have to believe the axioms.
	Right.
	So they were trying to just be like, check this out.
	And they just got real into one plus one in that book.
	But he's apparently like a genius.
	And I read his, and I read the guy, you know, Angela's Ashes.
	Yeah.
	I read he has one called Tiz.
	That's his second Frank McCourt.
	So Angela's Ashes was his time in Ireland till he was 19. And then at 19, he moved to New York City in like the 50s.
	And he wrote another book called Tiz that's from the 1950s to like whenever, the fucking 80s or whatever.
	But I've been like, I was reading those both simultaneously.
	And like, it's so funny how every male memoir is just a guy talking about how horny they were as a kid.
	It's crazy.
	Horny and want to kill themselves.
	Bertrand Russell and Frank McCord were like, I just want to so fucking horny.
	Do I just want to fucking kill myself?
	Yeah.
	I didn't know every guy was just suicidal back in the day.
	That's what I'm learning in my studies.
	A lot of guys are just fucking, just want to fucking kill themselves.
	Well, it used to be very poetic if you killed yourself.
	Yeah.
	Remember?
	It was very, there was like this Shakespearean, like, I'm taking my life.
	Now you're just like a, you know, you're just like, I'm a 13 Reasons Why fan or whatever.
	You know, but it used to be kind of, there was something very romantic about it.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	You could like stab yourself with a sword.
	Now it's, you know, it's pussy shit.
	Now it's overdose and whatever.
	Yeah.
	It's like, yeah.
	Come on.
	Yeah.
	It is.
	Go back to the drawing board.
	That's, dude.
	This guy, first person to use Switzerland suicide pod found with strangulation.
	And where are these at?
	They're not the airport, are they?
	The airport would actually be your flight got canceled.
	Just be like, never mind.
	Just walk right into the suicide pod.
	Just end it.
	Oh, that's exactly.
	Bro, that was found with strangulation marks on her neck.
	Following the death of the 64-year-old American woman, multiple people, including Dr. Florian Willett, the president.
	They said a woman used it, but they also found strangulation marks.
	Yeah, what's that about?
	So it sounds like maybe they only put her in for a couple minutes.
	Yeah, but it's just, why would she have marks on her neck?
	Maybe she might have attempted.
	Oh, she was trying to help it or something.
	Or maybe she tried to do the old ceiling and something gave away and she's like, I'm going to hit the pod.
	There was some malfunction, and the guy was heard saying six minutes after the process started that she's still alive.
	So I think he had to.
	Oh, he choked her out.
	Because I guess if you go that far, if she lives, the product is no better.
	She'd yelped the pod.
	Yeah.
	Two stars still alive.
	Boo.
	Eating breakfast right now.
	Does not work with my lame-ass kids and husband right now.
	Did not taste the sweet release of death.
	Awkward ride home.
	Husband's like, what are you doing, Mac?
	I thought you were killing yourself today.
	Oh, shit.
	He's already got a new girl over.
	He's already on Raya listening to Zach Bryan.
	Damn, dude.
	Dude, that shit freaks me out, man.
	Did you do it?
	I've been at an airport, dude.
	And if you miss your Lehabra, I'm like, I'll fucking go to heaven.
	I'm not waiting.
	Yeah.
	Fuck Akron.
	Send me to heaven in that bitch.
	Like, I've been that furious at a point where it's just like, I'll just, let's shut it down.
	Yeah, there's no more room for your baggage.
	You're like, you know what?
	I'm going to take the pod.
	I'm not going to go walk five seats back and try to go in oncoming traffic to get my bag back.
	I'm going to take the pod.
	If it doesn't work, you have permission to choke me out.
	That's crazy.
	That guy had to just be like, oh, shit.
	A couple of kinks, man.
	Don't mind me.
	That'd be nice if the pod just like walls came in and just crushed you.
	It like put you into a dizzying state and then it just vacuum sealed you.
	Yeah, exactly.
	So we just sucked you down.
	I'd have like a little soda with me.
	Just dried you out.
	But yeah, that I don't like that, man.
	I don't like when people, again, it's like if you're if you have like terrible, painful cancer, there's like nothing they can do.
	I get it.
	But like that guy looked all right.
	Was he just modeling the tube or is he actually?
	Yeah, he's just the model.
	I guess they obviously do not have a there's no budget for the model.
	If I'll say that, you know, well, but I think there's a woman that used it.
	She had cancer and she wanted to go use it.
	And they just hooked her up.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, that's uh, but here's the thing.
	That's the one product, like Coca-Cola and all those, like, they have like beautiful people always like drinking Coke.
	You don't have like, they're going to have like beautiful celebs like laying in there.
	That's true, right?
	They're going to try to, they want to show you someone who looked like that guy.
	I was like, yeah, I could see that.
	Yeah.
	This guy's got like no muscle mass.
	Fucking pants are sagging.
	I can see him just amiss.
	Hey, come on, let an edit, duh.
	He's in there just smoking.
	That would be the best.
	Some dude is fucking in there.
	I'm going to get one from my house.
	If my kid's pissing me off, I'm like, I'm going to go to the pod.
	Daddy's going to the suicide pod if you guys don't clean your fucking room.
	I'm going to fucking turn myself off.
	Bro, that'd be crazy, man.
	Yeah.
	Put them in there.
	You guys want to fuck around?
	You guys want to party?
	Scare them.
	I would have set that thing for 30 seconds just to freak them out.
	Just microwave them for a second.
	Yeah.
	Well, some lady ovened themselves at a Walmart.
	You see that?
	No.
	Some lady wandered into an oven.
	They were doing, was it, was it hide and go seek or what happened?
	Wait.
	We're pulling it up, but there was a woman got stuck in one of the industrial baking ovens at a Walmart, I believe.
	What?
	And I believe she passed away, right?
	Yeah.
	From the gas or she burned herself up?
	From the burning.
	Ooh.
	Her cooking.
	Let's all say burning.
	We don't know how that cooking.
	She or, you know.
	Oh, she was 19?
	Oh.
	Yo.
	Please say the investigation is complex.
	That's unreal.
	Oh, the walk-in.
	So they bake like multiple cakes at a time?
	In Canada, yeah.
	I guess they have a walk-in.
	That's not a good idea.
	It'd be hard to stay out of it.
	I bet it smelled good in there.
	Bro.
	True.
	I mean, this is harrowing.
	Yeah, of course.
	But I'm saying that it is a fact that that oven smelled delicious.
	Oh.
	Man.
	The woman who was an employee of the store was located at a large oven.
	Important to note, kid, investigation has not yet reached a point where the cause and manner of death have been confirmed.
	The investigation is complex.
	Yeah, dude.
	I did not.
	I'm thinking like there was just a big oven on display, and I was like, how the fuck did a lady walk into that?
	Yeah.
	Damn, why do the fuck they have walk-in ovens?
	That's a terrible idea.
	It is, huh?
	You just feed them in there like pizzas.
	Just, you know, have like a big thing.
	You pull a wooden paddle and pull them out.
	People don't need those cakes, dude.
	That shouldn't have cost a human life.
	Those cakes are terrible.
	Yeah, this is, yeah, you shouldn't, we don't need to walk into an oven.
	Oh, dude.
	That's a terrible design.
	That's a horrible idea.
	Yeah, that's a, well, it's look, that's an old idea.
	It's not the first, it's an old idea, and people should have not done it.
	Yeah, but it's like, it's almost like, oh, you now unit an oven, you open the door, and it has like that, like the one of those signs that's on like the ladder that's like, do not step here.
	Like, no shit, dude.
	That's a fucking oven.
	Yeah, man.
	I mean, oh, oh, dude, that is terrible.
	Someone throws you in there.
	That's what they're saying.
	That's what I'm saying, dude.
	That is not nice.
	Because, yeah, how would you shut yourself in there?
	I don't know.
	That's a mystery.
	Complex.
	If I were writing that, I said, this is very complex.
	Yeah, what's this all about?
	It is.
	What's this all about?
	this dude's turn, huh?
	This is nice.
	That's awesome.
	This is why you need other countries, dude.
	Yeah.
	People are like, I don't like diversity.
	You're out of your mind.
	That's true.
	That guy is as diverse as it gets.
	You show me a honky that can do this.
	I mean, dude, it is what a blessing.
	I'm just assuming this guy's like, I don't know what country that's in, but any other time in history, just being like a midget born in like the third world.
	Again, he could be in Palm Beach.
	I don't know where that guy's from, but he's pretending he's from another country.
	It would just be a pretty tough road, but now he can just make great viral content.
	I know.
	Which makes life good, man.
	Yeah.
	3.6, that's hilarious.
	Are you in Tires, a new season?
	Yeah, I have a small role.
	Did you want to have a larger role?
	Was that ever a conversation?
	You're good.
	No, I'm good, man.
	I'm happy with everything.
	The fact that I was in it again, I was like, fuck you.
	And I, dude, acting is like so hard, man.
	Yeah.
	It's draining.
	Dude, just doing that every day.
	It's just like I work myself up into a tizzy doing just like two scenes, like one scene, like from like the different angles.
	And it's just like.
	You're waiting takes a lot of patience.
	So you sit there all day.
	But I, yeah, no, I'm always like, I'm kind of chilling, man.
	I'm happy.
	The way anything's going, the fact that I'm not like stuck at a job that makes me miserable, I'm like, bro, anything that I can do, let me know.
	You know what I mean?
	I don't get like caught up in the kind of like, should be better.
	Yeah, there was my played the cop last time.
	Yeah, my mom loved the show.
	She's so wild.
	She's like, have you seen this tires?
	Yeah, it is.
	It is funny.
	She's like, I like it.
	I like put it on and my daughter was like, Uncle Shane.
	Uncle, she freaked out.
	Uncle Shane's on TV.
	Uncle Shane's on TV.
	I was trying to find my part.
	I was like, daddy was on TV watching.
	I was like, I can't fucking find it.
	Like, boo, get in the oven.
	Get in the fucking oven.
	White dad.
	Do your kids call you white dad?
	That's crazy, huh?
	My daughter says I'm colored sand.
	She's like, dad looks like sand.
	I forget what you called her, mom.
	Yeah, she's like, dad, sand.
	They didn't have that, but they're going to get it.
	Now all the schools, it'll all get like, they'll start ramping that up.
	But, you know, we'll see.
	I'll tell, I'm just going to hold it down with my daughter.
	Be like, dude, for real, I'm black.
	Don't worry.
	Don't listen to the fuck that school shit.
	You wait.
	Yeah, I'm black as hell.
	This is a fucking mirage, Tony.
	Just get the loan on the house.
	Yeah, we'll see.
	But yeah, man, I, yeah, dude, I'm just pumped, man.
	I'm like, you know, everything's going well.
	I'm like, again, I'm just biding my time to be a plainclothes school security.
	It'd be fun, huh?
	I do fantasize about like a nice retirement job.
	As long as it's art, I would like to teach art crafts.
	Nothing fancy.
	Paint, wire things, those fuzzy long things.
	What are those called?
	Pipe cleaners.
	Yeah.
	They'd be nice.
	Yeah.
	You can do whatever with those things.
	You just, they put out a bag leave or fucking making.
	Some kid made a noose or whatever.
	You're like, yeah, this is doing good.
	But yeah, that's, you know, for me, I'm just been chilling, man.
	Just trying to keep myself float, stay positive.
	That's the embarrassing thing, too.
	When like things are going well, it's like I'll still get like bummed out and depressed.
	And I'm always like, dude, you're such a fucking pussy.
	Shut up.
	So I've been trying to just like be even killed and just, you know, just work on little projects.
	And that's it.
	Yeah, I think some of that's normal too.
	It is tough, though, because certainly people have things a lot tougher, you know?
	And it is tough too.
	Sometimes when your life is going good, it's like not to let your ego start to take over.
	That's a thing that gets really scary.
	Oh, yeah, dude.
	Because your ego is just like this thing that kind of grows without you, you know, really knowing what's going on.
	You can be watering it without even realizing it.
	Oh, dude.
	I was lucky to have like an ego boom like early.
	And it was like, looking back on it, it was like really not nothing.
	It wasn't anything great.
	But at the time, when I was like 24, 25, I was just making so much money selling weed that I was like, it, dude, it went right to my head.
	Wow.
	As soon as I made like a couple thousand dollars a week, I was just like, oh my God, I'm the fucking best.
	And you start.
	You just buy rings and shit.
	I was real low-key.
	I mean, right now, it's the most rings I've ever worn right now.
	But the, yeah, dude, you just get when you, like, it happened to me.
	And I got like, you just start getting greedier and I was just like, I want more.
	Luckily, I got wiped out financially like twice.
	And then that has like an evening, you get like up and back down.
	You go, okay.
	And it kind of brings you back to earth where you're like, yeah, like, don't, don't let that, anything like that get to your head or like make you act different.
	And again, it's embarrassing.
	It's like, dude, I was making two grand sewing weed.
	But it's like, it was enough for me at such a young age to be like, I'm the man.
	Everyone's a fucking idiot who can't do it.
	And it was just like, and then I came crashing and burning.
	And I was like, all right, back to painting houses now with my friends.
	It really had like that for me.
	Oh, dude.
	It was a real experience.
	And I was able to be like, okay, when things are going well, A, don't be a dick.
	And B, it might not always forever.
	Huge chance it won't.
	So, you know, be grateful and just kind of like, you know, be nice and just try to help out.
	Don't get too, you know.
	How'd you get wiped out?
	How'd you get wiped out?
	Just losing money in the mail.
	I got robbed at gunpoint.
	I like had like a couple of stretches where like dudes I know would get fucked up on drugs and just kind of like dip out.
	I got robbed at gunpoint.
	I lost that.
	And then I mailed like, I think like $30,000 in the mail and that got snagged by the postal police.
	Yeah, dude.
	That was scary.
	I like 30K in the mail.
	Yeah, exactly.
	Sealed it, all that stuff.
	And why can you just not legally move that much money?
	You're not allowed to mail money like that.
	No.
	And what they do is they're like, come on in.
	Like they're like, we'll talk to you.
	And it was like, I wasn't, my name wasn't on it.
	It was like I tacked it on with my friend.
	And well, the trick is you can be like, oh, I was buying a car, you know, blah, blah, blah.
	Did you go in there?
	Do you wear a mustache?
	Fuck no, dude.
	I was like, I just called her wash.
	I'm like, I'm not going to the fucking postal, you know, post-menal, post-general masks or whatever it is.
	Is there a chance to get it back?
	If you can prove it's legit, they're going to be like, all right, where's your tax return?
	So it was like, you can't, unless you had a legitimate, if I legitimately was doing it, I could be like, hey, here's what I'm doing.
	I need that back.
	But it's, that's the last place you want to go in and be like, no, it was actually up to no good.
	I bet it's sitting there, but you go in there and talk to them.
	Yeah, right.
	That's gone.
	Oh, my God.
	Yeah.
	They probably took it.
	Are the postal workers?
	I would imagine the post or they maybe, you know, they were like, here you go.
	But it's like, yeah, that was the big thing back then.
	It was just mailing weed.
	You would just get it to your house and write immediately write return to sender and don't open it.
	Because what they do is either a guy in like an officer pretends to work for the USPS and they come and deliver it.
	And what they were doing first, which kind of fucked them up, they'd like open the box right now.
	And you open it and be like, there'd be weed in there.
	And you could just go, I don't know.
	Anyone could mail me anything.
	So they legally couldn't do anything.
	So what they started doing is they let you get the package.
	They wait like 10 minutes and then they come in because people usually get it and cut it right open.
	So what you have to do is you write return to sender, leave it in the corner of the room, wait about like an hour, and then you put it in your car and you drive towards the post office.
	So if they pull you over, you're like, bro, I don't even know what this is.
	I'm taking it to the post office.
	And if you just kind of do a couple of laps, no one's following, you go somewhere else and you cut it open.
	But it's like that was the move because California would mail it over for just like pennies compared to what it was on the East Coast.
	I thought I was a man.
	But then, you know, you get.
	Did you start buying anything?
	You buy a nice suit or something?
	I was very, very, I was like a Chinese triad.
	I would just, no, I didn't spend anything.
	I would like.
	Would you start sleeping on your back or something at least?
	You know what I would do?
	I would go on trips.
	I would do vacations.
	So I would like go away and like ball out like that.
	But no, I didn't buy.
	I didn't buy the cars.
	I didn't do any of that stuff.
	I kept it pretty low-key.
	Were you to Cancun or something?
	Yeah, I went to Hawaii.
	Yeah.
	I did a trip to Hawaii.
	I did the four seasons.
	It was pretty tight.
	Damn.
	So you were balling.
	I was balling out.
	Yeah.
	I was balling.
	But then again, I lost it all.
	And then you go from like, you know, enjoying the perks of that to like, I'd be happy if someone gave me 50 bucks right now.
	You know, so it's like, yeah.
	And at a young age, it's the best thing that could have happened because at a young age, I got to like get that ego swell and just completely come.
	And there's something liberating when it happens, though.
	I remember being oddly like relieved at the time being like, oh, this is kind of cool.
	I don't have to worry about all this shit anymore.
	Oh, that shit is a nightmare, dude.
	We sold weed for almost four hours one time.
	Fucking.
	It's scary.
	It was the scary as shit.
	I fucking almost killed the kid.
	I started accusing him of fucking shit.
	We had like, we literally had $200 worth of fucking weed.
	Like we were fucking.
	It was just Alphadog immediately.
	Things went shit with crazy.
	Well, dude, you talk about being paranoid.
	It's you're in a paranoid.
	Everybody's a fucking narc or whatever.
	Everyone's following you.
	Everyone's a narc.
	Everyone's watching you.
	I had a storage unit at one point.
	And between me and someone else, we had like 60 pounds of weed in there.
	And I'd have to go in there with a duffel bag in the middle of the day and look around, load it, and walk back up.
	And the one time I went there at three in the morning, or excuse me, it was like, you know, one in the morning, but I go in there, it's nighttime, and there's a fire alarm going off in the school.
	And I remember hearing it being like, oh, there's a school nearby, which probably wasn't the best place to have fucking 60 pounds of weed.
	So I go in.
	I'm like, oh, that's weird.
	The fire alarm's going off.
	I load up a duffel bag of like 30 pounds of weed.
	I come out of the place and surround it in police officers everywhere because they came because of that fire alarm going off in the school.
	And I'm holding a duffel bag and they're just standing there.
	It's like 1 a.m.
	or whatever.
	And I just come down the steps.
	They look at me and I look at them.
	And I was just like, boys.
	And I just walked in my car and I just was like, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please.
	Got in and took off.
	No problem.
	I was shitting myself, dude.
	That was like one of the scarier.
	Oh, I can feel the stress of that, dude.
	Because you feel the second you're, when they're behind you, you must be like, they're fucking they're following me, burning in my head.
	You're pulling off.
	You're like, you're just waiting for one of their cars to pull off.
	And it was like, dude, it was a massive giant like hockey bag.
	And it looks, I was like, this looks so sketchy.
	I'm just coming out like, and I like froze.
	It says weed on the side of it.
	Yeah.
	Came out like, oh, just stared at them.
	And I was like, hey, they're like, what the fuck's wrong with that guy?
	Wow.
	Yeah, true.
	That is, I will say that is one of the perks of being a white guy.
	Yeah.
	Easily.
	Just sitting in the cops at 1 a.m.
	with a giant duffel bag and being like, hey.
	Yeah.
	What's up, brothers?
	What's up, guys?
	Hi-ho, neighbor.
	Yeah.
	But yeah, and you're just in a paranoid delusion the whole entire.
	It's terrible for your, dude, my hair's fucking gray, dude.
	Yeah.
	You're just worried all the time, constantly for years, dude.
	You're hiding shit in your ceiling.
	Yeah.
	That's kind of everything just gets scary.
	You're hiding stuff.
	Yeah, we had like a couple of fighting.
	Dude, it's funny because sorry to cut you off.
	You give someone an ounce of weed and you'd watch them.
	They'd be like, yeah, just like, you know, sell this.
	And people would start it.
	And it's like, people would implode.
	It's just so much pressure.
	Or they would just smoke it all.
	It'd be like, whatever.
	Yeah, but then they're high.
	Now you're having to fucking talk.
	Somebody's fucking high to get you their shit back.
	And then everybody starts knowing you're the weak guy.
	So people knowing you're the weak guy, there's something cool about it.
	But then there's also this fear because you're like, well, I'm going to get busted.
	Paranoid.
	Yeah, paranoid all the time.
	Then you hear about other people getting busted.
	And, you know, it's just.
	And then it gets closer to you and you're like, don't snitch or whatever.
	Yeah, so now I wasn't going to do anything.
	You're burying shit.
	We would bury weed in our, we had like seven dime bags we were trying to sell, right?
	You got them in your mouth, your little wheelchairs.
	We were burying them in the yard.
	It was unfucking believable, dude.
	I know.
	That's why you didn't get caught, though, dude.
	You guys were careful.
	It was breaking horrible, dude.
	That's who we were, dude.
	It was just, it was the dumbest fucking thing ever.
	I'm in the front yard just calling my buddy a f ⁇ ing fucking burying bug in the dime sacks with a trowel.
	I know someone who you're doing, I know someone who thought he was selling steroids and he got beat and they were just antidepressants.
	So he was selling them to like a bunch of people.
	They're all like, dude, they're working.
	I'm getting yoked.
	And they were just on SSR.
	Oh, dude.
	I feel great.
	Hey, man, it did feel good.
	Dude, I bought some steroids once.
	My girlfriend, while I was away from her house, I was doing something, found them, broke, and threw him all away.
	She took your voice.
	And when I got.
	Did you already cycle on them?
	So did you be like, what the fuck?
	No, I think I had been on steroids at the time and I was not happy when I got there.
	Okay.
	Yeah, dude.
	It was a do not look if you find your boyfriend steroids, okay?
	Don't touch them.
	Just, yeah, bring it up to them.
	Do not get rid of them, though, because it can create a man and become violent.
	I didn't, but you could see how I could be a wild day for someone.
	Dude, I'll say, and I, this is like, I, I've interacted with a couple people who did the combination of Coke and steroids, and that's the most lethal.
	That's like a dangerous combination.
	And then if you're already a little bit bipolar and boom, like, dude, those steroids, the Coke and your bipolar mania hit at the same time, it's like, that was the craziest.
	I was out to breakfast one time with a guy like that, and he ordered, it was actually kind of alpha, but he like, we were ordering breakfast.
	He's like, oh, and I'll take a muffin and can I have that immediately?
	And I was like, damn, bro.
	You just hit her with the immediately.
	He's like, I want that immediately.
	Not even like, you know, I can have that before.
	He's like, I want that immediately.
	An immediate muffin.
	It was boss energy.
	It was boss energy, but it was, I remember being struck by that being like, I love a muffin.
	Can have it immediately.
	A little urgency behind that.
	Yeah.
	But yeah, that's a wild combo.
	Yeah.
	How long were you on the Vreits for?
	I was on and off for a few years.
	I remember the first time I ever did them.
	Pills or did you inject?
	Shooting.
	Dang, that's awesome.
	Shooting three-pointers.
	One time, one time, my buddy Sean, he sold me some pills.
	He actually passed away.
	He died.
	He drowned.
	I think he shit.
	He tried to hide from the police underwater.
	No, dude.
	Fucking drowned.
	That's terrible.
	Just.
	Yeah, you just.
	You can't do it.
	Yeah.
	You know, it's, you don't think about it when you're, he was so high that he just thought I can hide underwater.
	Bro, I almost passed out in a pool this summer.
	I tried to do a back and forth in front of all my friends and I had my daughter's goggles on and they were, bro, they were crushing the sides of my head so hard.
	I, for real, went out, came up.
	My legs were all and I was like spitting water out.
	Because I remember being like, do you ever try to hold your breath super long in a pool and you start like vibrating and shit?
	I was feeling that.
	I'm like, bro, I'm so close to getting the back and forth.
	I got that.
	And all of a sudden, I black out, come to, and I'm up in the water.
	My lungs are full.
	I'm like, and then I took two more steps, passed out again, smacked my chin on the side of the pool.
	My friends were all just laughing.
	They thought I was like fucking around until I got myself on the pool.
	And I came up.
	I was like, yo, I think I passed out.
	They're like, yeah, dude, you passed out twice.
	Yeah.
	It was.
	Start the burgers, man.
	Yeah, it was terrifying, dude.
	He's called Meeting the Wizard.
	That's what David Goggins calls it.
	Really?
	When the Marines trained underwater and passed out underwater.
	Bro, it's fucked up.
	I can see when you have people like, oh, he hid and drowned.
	It's like, dude, if you try to hold your breath too long, you can miss a window and you're just out.
	Well, those Kansas City Chiefs fans were partying with their buddy or everything.
	Four dudes dead on his poor.
	That was fentanyl.
	Weren't they doing fentanyl?
	I think it seemed like something was crazy, you know?
	Yeah, I think they got Coke and they had fentanyl.
	That shit's terrifying, bro.
	Fuck.
	That's the one thing I'm happy I never got involved with.
	And everyone's like, everyone I know still does Coke, which I'm like, is crazy.
	They're like, yeah, but dude, like, we're testing it.
	I'm like, no, you're not, dude.
	You're telling me you're drunk at a bar, you score Coke, and you're like, hold up, let's test this first.
	Like, no, you're not.
	Yeah.
	You're the same type of person that mails his shit to somebody.
	Can you imagine the mail your shit?
	You're just some dude at a fucking house, just pounds of shit just showing up at your door every day.
	You're just counting fucking money all day.
	You're doing it in your garage like Jeff Bezos.
	Your wife's like, what the fuck, dude?
	Babe, I'm going to analyze these turds.
	Let me analyze these turds.
	Babe, come on.
	I got a fucking, you know.
	He probably just goes right to a landfill and they're like, you need vitamin D. And they're like, thank you, sir.
	Thank you.
	I think I got tricked, dude.
	Yeah, testing your own.
	At that point, what are you having to do?
	It's crazy.
	Yeah.
	It's interesting.
	You have some tour dates coming up, I saw.
	Yeah, man.
	Are you in New York next week?
	Yeah, I got to go to the New York Comedy Festival, the town hall.
	That one I'm sweating that one.
	I think it should be good, but it'd be fun.
	You sweating it?
	What do you mean?
	Ticket sales.
	It's going pretty well.
	I got to do that one and then Capital One haul.
	They just like, they're trying me in theaters right now.
	Like clubs I feel comfortable.
	Now they're like, let's do some theaters.
	So I'm like, fuck.
	So, you know, just got to sell all the tickets of a weekend in one day.
	I know it's scary.
	Yeah, dude.
	It is scary.
	But it's going all right.
	You know, it's like, I don't place too much pressure.
	It's like, it is what it is.
	I try to promote stuff, but I'm not like, you know, if it doesn't work out, that's just what it is.
	Like, there's nothing I can do.
	Yeah.
	So, you know, so that's coming up.
	So I'm going to do that.
	And then, yeah, I get a bunch of other dates coming up till like basically like May.
	So they're all on MattMcCusker.com.
	Whatever.
	But come check it out.
	Yeah, man.
	If you want.
	Yeah.
	And congrats, you guys.
	This podcast is still doing great.
	Dude, yeah.
	This is like the dark night of our podcast.
	I'm doing it.
	I'm just holding it down, dude.
	Shane's doing the tires.
	And I've been, you know, I've set up a new thing now where I have like headset mics and I stand at a podium with, and I have the guests stand at a podium.
	And it's been kind of fun.
	Changes the energy.
	When you're on your feet, imagine if you're on your feet this whole time.
	It's a whole different energy.
	Oh, it's a good point, huh?
	And you have your hands are free.
	You're just on the headset.
	You're thinking you're more creative.
	You can move around.
	I kind of like it so far.
	And you have like a podium to lean on.
	I can put a laptop on this under count.
	And like, you know, if I need to look at something, I can just kind of fun.
	I'm really fucking around with it.
	You have been.
	Good for you, man.
	And if you take a walk, sometimes I'll notice if I take a walk with a friend, we have such a better conversation.
	Big time.
	Or if I take like, one of the things I like to do now, sometimes if I'm even going on a date or something, it's just like, let's just go take a walk.
	It's like, you kind of get to know somebody.
	It's chill.
	You're in motion.
	Like, and you feel like you did something too when you like go on a walk.
	Dude, and that's for me, that's the best cure for when you get the mental zoomies, hit the fucking road, just walk.
	It helps so much.
	Fucking walk till you're a stepdad.
	Yeah.
	Walk to that new family, dude.
	Best of luck with all the tickets, man.
	Well, yeah, if you need a guest, too, if I come back, man, I'll have to pop in.
	Please, dude.
	please, that'd be awesome.
	Is that where they're taping?
	Yeah, right in Philly.
	Oh, yeah.
	So I got like...
	Yes.
	I'm going to see him next week.
	Yeah, man.
	So I got like, I think like seven more weeks of episodes to record before he comes back.
	So we've made it through.
	So, you know, it's been fun.
	It's one of those, like, it's been like a learning experience because it's, you know, it's easy.
	We can do it.
	We'll do it together.
	When it was just me, I was just like, oh, fuck.
	The dogs, man, they'll be excited whenever he gets back, though.
	Oh, yeah.
	You can hear him barking.
	They're ready.
	They're ready.
	Trust me.
	They're ready for him to be back.
	Tickets at mattmcuster.com.
	Matt, good to see you, man.
	Bro, thank you so much.
	Yeah, man.
	Have a good one.
	now.
	I'm just floating on the breeze, and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
	I must be cornerstone.
	Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this piece of mind I found I can feel it in my bones.

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