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June 4, 2024 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von

02:07:17

E508 Joey Diaz

Joey Diaz is a stand-up comedian, podcaster and author. He hosts the podcast “The Check In” with Lee Syatt, and just released his autobiography, “Tremendous: the Life of a Comedy Savage.” Joey “Coco” Diaz returns to catch up with Theo about life since the pandemic, moving to New Jersey to focus on his family, what he learned about life after taking some time away, the wild days of his old podcast “The Church”, the backstory behind Theo’s infamous episode, what Joey’s co-pilot Lee Syatt has been up to lately, and much more. Joey Diaz: https://www.instagram.com/madflavors_world/ ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com ------------------------------------------------- Sponsored By: PrizePicks: Download the Prize Picks app and use CODE: THEO. Prize Picks will match your deposit up to $100. BlueChew: Go to http://bluechew.com and use code THEO at checkout to try BlueChew for free - just pay $5 shipping! ShipStation: Get a 60-day free trial at https://www.shipstation.com/theo. Thanks to ShipStation for sponsoring the show! Chubbies: Your summer wardrobe awaits! Get 20% off @chubbies with the code theo at https://www.chubbiesshorts.com/theo #chubbiespod ExpressVPN: Go to http://expressvpn.com/theo to get an extra 3 months free! ------------------------------------------------- Music: “Shine” by Bishop Gunn https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3A_coTcUek ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: tpwproducer@gmail.com Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: https://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips Shorts Channel: https://bit.ly/3ClUj8z ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers Producer: Nick https://www.instagram.com/realnickdavis/ Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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	I have some new tour dates to announce.
	I'm going to be in St. George, Utah on July 2nd, Moncton, New Brunswick on August 10th, Bend, Oregon on September 11th, and Portland, Oregon on September 13th.
	Get your tickets early starting Tuesday, June 4th at 10 a.m.
	local time with code RATKING.
	General on sale starts Wednesday, June 5th at 10 a.m.
	local time.
	As well, we have shows in Montreal, Quebec, Portland, Maine, Spokane, Washington, Belfast, Ireland, Cork, Ireland, London, United Kingdom, Idaho Falls, Salt Lake City, and Las Vegas.
	Get all tickets through theovon.com slash T-O-U-R.
	Make sure not to use a secondary site.
	Thank you for your support.
	New merch.
	We've got some new gang, gang hoodies.
	We've just done crew necks before.
	We've got some hoodies now available in Heather Gray, Tan, Light Blue, and Duck Camo.
	Get all that and more at TheoVonstore.com.
	That's the only merch site that is run by us.
	I know there's some other fictional ones out there.
	Just watch out for fakes.
	And thank you guys for your support.
	Coming to you live from Austin today.
	Today's guest is a comedian, probably one of the most unique comedians of all time.
	He has a new book out called Tremendous, which you can check out on Amazon.
	He was the host of the fame podcast, legendary podcast, The Church of What's Happening Now.
	He has his own podcast now with Lee Syette called The Check-In.
	I'm grateful to catch up today with one of my heroes, Mr. Joey Coco Diaz.
	Shine that light on me.
	I'll sit and tell you my stories.
	Shine on me.
	And I will find a song I've been singing.
	I'm on stage.
	I'm on stage.
	What did he say?
	Jelly Roll?
	Yeah, go ahead.
	So this is Jelly Roll.
	Like Jellyroll, every time he wins an award, he gets up there and he's like, I just want to thank right now there's somebody who's stuck under a bridge.
	There's somebody out there who's got a size 11 foot and a size 8 tennis shoe.
	And I just want to say you can live your dreams, man.
	Dude, every time they call his name for any, every time Jelly gets an award, man, he just, he's so full of feelings, bro.
	He gets up there and he's just like, I want to tell you that I was a matri D at a macaroni grill and now I'm a Grammy award-winning artist.
	Like, sometimes it's just fucking, bro, if they even, like, at a fat, like, I feel like even at Chipotle, if they just call his name to come get his order, he goes out there, he picks it up.
	He's like, I want to let every illegal alien in this motherfucker know in 40 days.
	And with only 90 singing lessons, you can win a fucking American music war.
	90 singing lessons.
	Dude.
	It was better last night when I did it.
	Oh, my God.
	I was dying.
	I was dying in my sleep.
	He was.
	You do him to the T. It's fucking crazy.
	Everybody was dying last night.
	Some people do them real good.
	Yeah, Joey Diaz, man.
	Good to see you, brother.
	Good to see you too, my friend.
	You too, man.
	That was fun last night.
	That was a lot of fun.
	It was fun just seeing you.
	It's been four fucking years, Theo.
	I know, Joe.
	Since the pandemic, man, I haven't seen anybody.
	Yeah, it's so funny.
	I realized, I didn't realize how much I missed seeing you until I got out of the car, out of the Uber at the mothership, and I was like, is Joey here?
	And they're like, yeah.
	And I literally, my legs, like, I ran upstairs.
	I was so happy.
	First person I asked for when I got there, I'm like, where's fucking Theo?
	Yeah.
	Like, he'll be here later.
	Nah, man, we haven't seen each other.
	It's been, it's fucking crazy, man, what happens to life sometimes.
	Yeah, has it been good?
	Have you been feeling good in Jersey?
	It seems like everything's good.
	You look great.
	The first fucking year was a struggle because I was lost.
	I was fucking lost.
	I was like, you know, what I was trying to do was, honestly, was just figure out what happened the last 30 years.
	After the pan, when the pandemic hit, we were all gung-ho.
	We were very all gung-ho.
	Oh, yeah.
	But like by May of the pandemic, I was like, what the fuck happened?
	I came here, I auditioned for Mitchie Shaw, and I don't know what happened.
	Like here we are.
	Yeah.
	You know, movies talking to this guy, talking to that guy.
	The store at the end before the pandemic, it was something that you'll never ever see again.
	I still remember I would do spots and then go to the kitchen after my spot and just sit for a minute and look out into the bar area and stuff.
	And it would be like celebrities, MMA people, the Clippers.
	You know, it was something every night.
	It was just too overwhelming.
	Every time you left the store on Tuesdays or Thursdays, you got in your car and you had to fucking drive 30 minutes just to decompress.
	Dr. Dre was hanging out at night before the fucking thing.
	He was coming into the store every night.
	It was just a scene that was, you know, hard to believe.
	We had our own fucking thing.
	Kennison, Dice, those guys had their thing and we had our thing.
	It's really true.
	I didn't realize it either until I went back, like over the, I've gone back over the past two years and it's like, it's not even, it's not even the same thing anymore.
	It was like a, it was like lightning striking when everybody was there, dude.
	When, dude, the lineup sometimes, like on a Tuesday night.
	I still have them.
	I saved everything.
	I would clip a lineup.
	I would take a picture of it or something and go, this is where you were with these guys.
	I want to see somebody try to take something away from me.
	Like, do you know what I'm saying?
	Like, people always go, Whoa, you didn't do it.
	Listen, bitch.
	Yeah.
	And this is these lineups in 2019.
	What about the lineups?
	Well, 2009, I wasn't there, but in 99, I was there.
	And I remember looking at those lineups, and they weren't good, but you had fucking animals, like three of them there on the lineups.
	It wasn't like nine motherfuckers coming at you.
	From Ali Wong to you to Dalia.
	It was a Cavicade every Tuesday and Thursday, and everybody got along.
	Whitney, Whitney, Burke, just Burt.
	Joe, Segura, fucking Tripoli, Brennan, Eddie Bravo, Owen Smith.
	It was fucking crazy what was down there.
	It was crazy.
	They had MMA fighters that weren't even comedians fucking doing 20 minutes down there.
	It was fucking crazy.
	Eddie Bravo was doing like 40 fucking minutes, bro.
	Fucking crazy.
	You think about it.
	And people walked in there and it's like they got high.
	Yeah.
	As soon as people walked in, it's like walking into the mothership.
	You know, you walk in and you're just taken.
	You're just taken.
	And this is, you know, I didn't do it for one summer.
	I did it for 30 fucking years.
	So now I got to figure out where they took me.
	Yeah.
	You know, where the fuck did they take me?
	I mean.
	Yeah, just to look at that lineup and be like, it doesn't even feel like you're really the person doing it.
	No.
	You ever see Oh God, You Devil, any of those O God movies?
	Is it like a black movie or not?
	No, no, no.
	George Burns.
	Oh, yeah, yeah.
	Oh, God.
	And he fucks with people.
	Yeah, and he got the Coke bottle or whatever.
	And it's really weird.
	Yeah, those things, they're fucking...
	This is way before I got into comedy.
	Way before I got into comedy.
	I started watching them.
	You know, I like movies.
	And there was one particular guy that the guy was a musician and he was struggling.
	And he was like a Bruce Springsteen type guy.
	And then he came to him and he fucking shut out the light because he was the devil.
	He plays the devil.
	Oh, he plays the devil.
	He touched a deal with you to sell your soul.
	Oh, God, you devil.
	I remember the gods must be crazy.
	Was that him?
	No, no.
	That's why you're getting confused with the Africans and stuff.
	Yeah.
	But it was, that's what I feel like.
	The guy during the movie, after he became a star, he would go, what the fuck?
	What the fuck?
	And then he would go to a restaurant after he knew the devil took his soul.
	He would go to a restaurant and see the girl he was engaged with.
	And now she was about to have a baby.
	And this was his life.
	Like, it's fucking crazy.
	And that's what I felt like.
	Yeah.
	A lot of times, like, did I just do that?
	Why do people want to take a picture of me?
	I'm a felon.
	Yeah.
	Your mother told you to stay away from people like me.
	And you want to take a picture of me?
	And it was just mind-boggling.
	So that was the first year in Jersey.
	It was just trying to figure out coming down.
	I was coming down.
	I had committed to coming down and seeing what life was like with the fucking and the sticks, you know, and started going to softball games and basketball games with my daughter.
	Were you playing or you were just coaching or what?
	Nah, I don't even coach.
	I just sit there, I get high, and I sit there and watch.
	Oh, yeah, yeah.
	A bunch of fucking girls.
	You know, it's so funny.
	I used to go to my father-in-law's house in Nashville.
	That motherfucker's always watching girls softball.
	And I would look at him and go, I'm not even going to say nothing to my wife, but this is the most pedophilia fucking thing ever.
	An old guy watching girls softball.
	Well, guess what?
	I became that fucking old guy.
	Now I go to her games.
	I go to her basketball game.
	You know, there's so much.
	Listen, man, for me to get into comedy, I lost a family.
	I lost a daughter.
	You know, she's 34. I haven't talked.
	30 fucking four.
	Like, this was part of the whole, like, what happened?
	Like, I left Boulder when she was five.
	And now she's 30 fucking four.
	We haven't spoken in 20 years.
	No way.
	20 years.
	20. Yeah, it's got to be 20 years now.
	Are there times where it just hits you and it just hurts sometimes?
	It really hurt in the beginning.
	For years, it really took me.
	Part of the addiction and all that shit was that.
	And then I made peace with it.
	I knew that this wasn't going to work.
	It wasn't in the cards.
	And you got to move on.
	Then I had this.
	Then God gave me a second chance.
	And they threw another girl at me.
	And I'm like, what am I going to do here?
	So I said, let me sink in, you know, and fucking be a dad.
	Just get, I got a second chance to do this the right way this time.
	And this is what I'm going to do.
	And that was a real thought in your head.
	You're like, I got this.
	This is God giving me a second chance.
	Fuck yeah.
	Yeah.
	You know, I've gotten, how many second chances have I fucking gotten?
	I bet a decent amount.
	So some second chances you got to jump on and go, you know what?
	This ain't going to happen again.
	Yeah.
	I can make peace with myself.
	You know, I heard things.
	I wasn't a good dad.
	I heard tons of shit from my ex-wife.
	And now I'm living it.
	You know, now I'm living.
	I got a nice house, cars.
	You know, we don't, I'm not a jet setter.
	You know that.
	I'm not a BMW guy or nothing.
	I'm just happy and comfortable.
	Yeah.
	You know, I retire in four fucking years.
	My daughter collects Social Security for three of those years.
	The ones I didn't get when my mother died.
	So everything comes full fucking circle, man.
	Oh, really?
	So Social Security, you get it for how long?
	So when my mother died, I didn't get Social Security because they said she didn't work enough quarters.
	She owns a business.
	So I had no money coming in when I was a kid, you know, for all those years.
	And it's weird now.
	I got a letter about six months ago about retiring and all this shit with benefit.
	And I'm like, I don't want to retire.
	I want to keep slinging debt coming.
	I feel great to go out there.
	I'm not in the mood to go on planes every weekend.
	No, it's a lot.
	It's a young man.
	It's not a young man's game.
	It's a young man's game.
	It really is.
	It's not even that you can't do it.
	It's just can you put up with it?
	It's like the stress, it just wears on you.
	And you did it for so long.
	That's what people, and we'll forget.
	I'll forget sometimes, Joey, how long I did this shift for.
	I'll like be going to the airport.
	I'm like, fuck, I just cannot do this.
	I cannot get on a plane.
	And people are like, what are you talking about, man?
	But part of my brain, it's just like, I don't know what time when I wasn't going to the airport.
	Yeah.
	Or wasn't getting a car for a fucking haul.
	My thing was this: I dreaded the road until I got in the Uber.
	Until you got in the what?
	Uber.
	Yeah.
	Once I get in the Uber and I got an edible in me and I'm headed to fucking LAX.
	Look out, motherfuckers.
	Yeah.
	Look out.
	Come on.
	That's what happens to me.
	It's the lead up.
	It was towards the last year.
	I would wake up in the middle of the nights going, I can't believe I booked this trip to this place.
	Yeah.
	Fuck, I should have taken that week off.
	And I shouldn't have booked this.
	I can't believe I got to go to this town this week.
	Yeah, like fuck East TikTok town or something.
	There's always something.
	You're like, fuck.
	Or Puerto Rico.
	Dude, I did a fucking weekend in Puerto Rico one time.
	And I was like, what the fuck?
	Some new joint they put?
	How like, I never should have went nine people fucking showed up to a couple gay dudes over there, bro.
	I think it was like a sex laundering or whatever, but I didn't do anything, but I went and, you know, I tried to do my best comedy, but just fucking unreal, bro.
	Nah, we've been doing this for a long time.
	You.
	Some of the shit.
	Yeah.
	And it's like I just went back to Jersey and I was like, to top it off, I hadn't lived in Jersey in 40 years.
	You got a driveway over there?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Driveway, fucking backyard.
	I got raccoons.
	Yeah.
	I got a raccoon that will not leave me the fuck alone.
	Really?
	And he's become like friends.
	He's like buddy now.
	Like, he just comes.
	He tries to, I put two bricks on the garbage.
	He looks at me at night like, motherfucker, you got me again.
	Then he leaves.
	I put a piece of nicotine gum in that motherfucker.
	I didn't see him for a week.
	That motherfucker was running up and down fucking my street with nicotine in him.
	But, you know, I live in a great neighborhood.
	It's quiet.
	Theo, I live around the corner from Jimmy Florentine.
	Oh, yeah.
	He's an awesome guy.
	Awesome guy.
	But I mean, that's a week down.
	You go down there, you're like, whoa, I got to learn how to fucking navigate this shit.
	Go down where to his house?
	No, no, to my house.
	Like, when I moved down to this place.
	Oh, it's quiet.
	I'm an hour out of New York City.
	I'm an hour 15 out of New York City.
	I'm an hour where I was raised from.
	Like North Bergen right across the city.
	Where James J. Braddock is from?
	Yeah.
	No way.
	Yeah.
	I used to shovel his driveway.
	You're lying.
	When we were kids.
	Nuh-uh.
	Yeah.
	And his son was a fucking cop.
	Yeah.
	That's the park there, J.J. Braddock Park.
	They just put a beautiful statue up there.
	That neighborhood was rocking.
	When we were kids, not only did he lived in town, J.J. Braddock, but fucking the other guy, Jethro's father.
	Jethro Toll?
	No, Jethro from the Beverly Hill Billy.
	That dude had a father?
	Yeah.
	Bro, anybody could have made that dude, bro.
	Jethro was a bad motherfucker.
	Wow.
	So yeah.
	You saw James J. Braddock when you were a kid.
	Yeah, like 10, 12. We would go to Hudson County Park, and one day somebody said, go up there.
	He would just give you like 10 bucks to shovel in front of his house, like fucking when it snowed.
	So I only went up there like once or twice.
	It was way out of my neighborhood.
	He probably didn't know it was snowing.
	He probably was a snow globe.
	He got hit somewhere.
	That dude was fucking tough, bro.
	Oh, yeah.
	That dude's tough.
	I saw some tapes of him.
	That dude was Irish, fucking longshoreman.
	He was fucking, he'll fight you with one fucking hand, those guys.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, right there.
	James J. Braddock Park, right?
	Damn, dude.
	That's one of my favorite movies, dude.
	I've probably watched that movie maybe 12 times since.
	I love that movie.
	When I saw that one, I was crying up a storm.
	The funny thing was, I got in trouble for that movie.
	Listen to this.
	I'm at the longest yard premiere.
	What the longest fucking yard premiere.
	That you're in.
	So I walk into my seats.
	I sit down, and the last seat is open.
	I'm sitting there with my wife.
	We're talking about shit.
	And all of a sudden, right before the movie starts, fucking Cameron Crowe sits next to me.
	And on his sleeve, he's got North Bergen.
	Did you see the jacket he made for Braddock when he was shooting that movie?
	I mean, like a fucking great jacket.
	He sat next to me, man.
	And I'm like, oh, what the fuck is Gladiator doing next to me?
	I didn't say nothing.
	Cameron Crowe, so that's the guy that made Gladiator?
	Russell Crowe.
	Russell Crowe.
	Oh, sorry.
	Russell Crowe.
	Russell Crowe.
	It's Russell Crowe sitting next to me, the guy who played J.J. Braddock.
	Oh, really?
	And he had the jacket on.
	And as the movie ended, I couldn't take it no more.
	When the longest yard fucking ended, everybody's clapping.
	The producers from the longest yard are sitting in front of me.
	And I turned to fucking Russell and I go, yo, that's the fucking movie of the year right there.
	And he looked at me and the producers looked at me.
	I'm supposed to be pushing the longest yard, but I'm telling them this is the fucking movie of the year.
	Cinderella, man.
	And he started laughing his ass off.
	You're from North Bergen.
	We started giggling.
	Because my friends told me when he was shooting a movie, they would see him at different delis.
	He was doing different delis around fucking towns.
	Just checking them out.
	Checking them out.
	Whatever.
	Promos, stuff like that.
	I love that movie, man.
	I love that movie.
	And that's one of the reasons I've like this.
	I mean, I'm, you know, Dustin is fighting in Jersey.
	Coming up.
	And then Islam.
	Yep, in two weeks.
	Yep, that's a great fight.
	Yeah.
	And so part of me is like, I'm like tying it in my head.
	I'm like, dude, when he told me, I was like, dude, it's like James J. Braddock, bro.
	It's like Cinderella Man.
	When are you coming up?
	I'm going to come up the day before.
	Friday?
	Yeah, I got a show Friday.
	Where?
	At Beacon.
	Well, maybe before the show, I'll take you to J.J. Braddock Park.
	No way.
	Yeah, the fucking, we'll go to the park, we'll eat over there.
	They got good fucking food.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, I would love to, dude.
	They got a fucking place called Tapas right down the block from there.
	And an Italian place.
	That's tremendous.
	Spaghetti with little meatballs.
	Anywhere you go.
	And then if not, we go up to Rudy's.
	Forget about it.
	Everything's good.
	Oh.
	Oh.
	Yeah.
	It's funny where I live, there's great food.
	I mean, fucking.
	I brought Rogan down there.
	His head almost blew up.
	They got everything down there.
	And it's so weird.
	Like, you leave, they're going, I take Leo all the time.
	He loses his fucking mind.
	Who's Leo?
	Lee, Lee.
	I take Leo.
	He comes down.
	Yeah, when he comes down, I get him, bro.
	Different places.
	That little fucking walkie-talkie.
	I saw him the other night, dude.
	He was fucking down.
	Walkie-talkie.
	That little fucking gumball machine, brother.
	That motherfucker is killing me, dog.
	The fucking Jewish Christmas present.
	That little fucking...
	And he's doing great with it.
	Yeah, he's been doing it, I think, almost five years now.
	Yeah.
	He goes on the road.
	He fucking.
	He's opening up for people.
	Does he close yet?
	I know he's opening up for people.
	He opens up a Rogan, a couple.
	Oh, not Rogan.
	Josh Wolfe.
	Yeah, Josh Wolfe.
	Yeah, that's when I saw, I saw him, Josh Wolfe, and Jacob Wolfe the other day at a clothing store.
	But then, yeah, me and Lee went up to the mothership one night.
	Yeah, he was excited, dude.
	I fucking, I'll never forget that time.
	I think it might have been the first time I came on you guys' podcast.
	And in the beginning, there was something in the headphones.
	It was like, Lee, I'm hearing like a little, like a sound in the headphones.
	He's like, oh, front of fiction.
	He's over there.
	I think he was like looking on his phone, trying to be a fucking, the whole board is in front of him or whatever.
	Fast forward two hours, dude.
	I think we did some mushrooms or something.
	Lee is unconscious or semi-unconscious.
	I don't want to say he was unconscious, but he wasn't associating with you and me.
	And we were the only people in the room.
	So he's over there and he's like, and I hear this sound in the headphones again.
	And it's like, this time it was him making like a wheezy.
	He had like some HVAC issues going on or something, that motherfucker.
	That was the thing that really killed me.
	I got to be honest.
	Like, you ever hit a popcorn bag that's been fucking good?
	That's cooked to the max, bro.
	Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	That's what he sounded like.
	Yeah, just when that first like kind of.
	What killed you?
	Sorry I interrupted you.
	No, no, no.
	You know what fucking killed me, man?
	Those eight years of that podcast with Lee, that was rough.
	Like, I didn't know how rough it was until I stopped doing it.
	Like, what do you mean keeping up every week by having a party every week, you mean?
	We were fucking...
	It was a non-stop party.
	Yeah.
	Oh, y'all were Neil Armstrong and that other guy who fights people.
	We were fucking 2,000 milligrams, mushrooms, Vikings, whatever people dropped in that office.
	Fucking, what's the therapy people do?
	Oh, ketamine therapy.
	Ketamine.
	Oh, yeah.
	We were doing ketamine in there.
	Y'all put Owen Benjamin into the woods.
	You gotta fucking put that dude in a blender.
	There was a couple people that won a blender, including myself.
	Fuck, I put myself in a blender.
	I was mixed goods for fucking a year after that.
	When I got home, when I moved to Jersey, I moved to August, right?
	August 19th.
	And we stayed in the corporate housing until my house was ready.
	Oh, you were building a house?
	No, the house wasn't.
	We couldn't move in until September 2nd.
	Oh, yeah.
	So we had two weeks in corporate housing.
	Those two weeks were like, I was just driving my wife crazy.
	Yeah.
	Because I was eating 3,000 milligrams a day.
	I was bored.
	I was lonely.
	It was a pandemic.
	Oh, yeah.
	I was eating Xanax to fucking help me go to sleep.
	I was eating Xanax on the road.
	And I'll never forget I went back there and I got so high one night.
	I melted the tea kettle.
	Because I used to make Michael Jackson tea at night.
	Like I'd make like edible tea and put 2,000 milligrams in there and sleepy time, yeah.
	And mix it up and it'd be Michael Jackson tea.
	Put some Sesame Street on, start jerking off.
	Yeah, I'll kill you.
	The fuck out of it.
	One night I made that shit and I was like, I'm not high enough.
	God, I can't believe you even said that to yourself.
	Like it was like, like the first month in Jersey was a fucking, like I wasn't high enough.
	So I went to make another batch of tea and I passed out.
	And when I got up, like two hours later, the fucking steam thing, did you, it ran out of water and it just fucking collapsed into a little metal thing.
	My wife's like, we got to throw that away.
	It's just like lease high.
	It's just like.
	And then I had like fucking, I fell asleep at a restaurant.
	I was taking hash pills.
	Yeah.
	And we were at a restaurant.
	What do you mean ash pills?
	Like on a fire?
	Hash.
	Hash.
	Oh, hash.
	Hash.
	Hash pills.
	Hash pills, yeah.
	Jesus Christ.
	Yeah, yeah, no.
	It was non-stop.
	What are you fucking on, dude?
	We were fucking, you know, smoke.
	I mean, listen, I was going to the weed store every other day.
	Wow.
	And every other day I'd buy a half ounce.
	Every other day.
	Why'd you have to get so high, you think?
	Just, it was part of the thing.
	I didn't know.
	To top it off, I was drinking eight to ten espresso a day, Cuban coffees.
	Bro, what the fuck?
	What direction you want to go, son?
	Dog, it was edibles, sleep.
	Edibles, it was stand-up, sleep, edibles.
	It was just too much.
	Wow.
	And did you know what you wanted to do at that point?
	Or were you thinking, like, I don't know what I want to do?
	Because I remember there was a point right when the pandemic happened, right?
	After like 30, 40 days of not being having to do comedy.
	First, I'm like, I'll take a little break.
	It's great.
	It's great.
	But then I'm like, I haven't taken a break in my whole life.
	I never made a choice what I wanted to do.
	I made a choice 20 years ago.
	And now I'm just still doing that choice.
	I don't even know what I want to be doing.
	So there was a time where I was like, I don't even know what I'm, you know, what's going on.
	You know, I remember that.
	And then, yeah, for a little bit, I didn't know.
	Thankfully, I kept podcasting.
	Yeah, during the pandemic, that's what saved me was we kept podcasting.
	Yeah.
	Fuck it.
	Getting fucked up in there at night.
	I mean, listen, the podcast started at 7, and we would get there at 6, talk shit, me and Lee, start doing edibles, and then you would come at 7. Kick that mule, baby.
	And we'd do another hour of chit-chat, bongs, edibles, and then a two-hour podcast.
	And then after the podcast ended, we'd hang out for another hour.
	I wasn't getting home till two in the morning.
	Podcast started at seven o'clock at night.
	The church, baby.
	How the fuck could a podcast be, you know, you're there seven hours for a two-hour fucking podcast?
	Two nights a week, and it was constant.
	Yeah, I left out of there.
	They got that set on YouTube somewhere on the other side.
	Yeah, the mushrooms.
	We were non-stop.
	It was like fun.
	The THC scene was growing.
	I felt like a damn taquito when I left out of there, bro.
	That was fucking cool.
	Yeah, you know, the fucking weed scene was growing with us.
	Yeah.
	Weed companies were sticking their hands out.
	Edible companies give me fucking edibles.
	Then comedy chaos.
	Who got the most fucked up over the time?
	Give me the five people that probably, when they showed up at the church, they definitely, they got the holiest of water, bro.
	Who got doused the most up there?
	I saw a lot of people go through changes right in fucking front of me.
	See their eyes, and I'm like, you know.
	From spring to fall, a damn solstice right in front of you.
	Sarah Tiana?
	Yeah.
	And I love her.
	That thing is good.
	Oh, she's good.
	That made me feel really bad, you know, because she's the fucking salted here.
	I love that girl.
	She's so sweet, so funny.
	There was a lot of shit that people didn't see.
	Yeah.
	Like one of the best episodes we did was Stephen Bauer the first time.
	You know who Stephen Bauer was, the guy from Scarface?
	No, did he pass away?
	No, no, no.
	He played Manolo.
	He played Manny.
	I mean, he was at the store, too.
	He was going to the store at the end.
	He came in one time with cargo shorts.
	Now, you got to remember, it was like, here, the cameras are facing me.
	That's the time he came in with cargo shorts.
	The camera would face him, and every once in a while, he'd go off camera and take a liquor bottle out of his sock.
	First, they were in his sock.
	I mean, this is classic shit.
	He would take them out of his sock first and drink them and then put them upside down over here.
	Then there were six empty ones.
	Then he started going on his cargo pants and he would take another bottle out and drink it.
	We counted like nine fucking bottles plus the beer he was drinking.
	Oh, yeah.
	Plus God knows what else.
	You know, people doing that.
	A guy came on one day.
	I forget what the fucking guy's name is.
	I haven't spoken to him in like three years.
	He disappeared.
	Was it a Japanese guy?
	No, he's an Italian guy.
	I forget what his fucking name was.
	He would come on there and bring bags of pills.
	I'm not talking about like a prescription bottle.
	Like he'd come in with like, oh, I got these.
	And then when you take these, this is the way he carried the bag.
	If you took one of these, you did one of these.
	And then if this don't do it, this don't do it.
	And he'd give us pills by the hand.
	I didn't know what they were.
	We should just call them happy pills.
	When you're just eating pills, you know what the fuck they are.
	And I remember I did his podcast once on a Sunday.
	And when I got there, they had bags of fucking pills at the studio.
	Wow.
	And one day I go, you know what?
	Give me one of those fucking pills.
	This is the Lord myself.
	I got nothing going on.
	I was high from one o'clock in the afternoon to fucking the next day.
	I don't know what type of pill I took.
	I don't know what he was giving out that day.
	I mean, I was fucked up.
	Did it have like a leopard pattern on it?
	I have no fucking idea.
	I didn't see no leopards.
	I didn't see nothing.
	Because I took some shit.
	Yeah, one time this gay, I don't want to say the dude was gay, but everybody knew he was gay, and he knew he was gay.
	But he gave me a couple somas to drive him somewhere, right?
	Dude, he's like, this was the worst idea ever, bro.
	And R.I.P.
	bro, my boy Billy Conforto, but he gave me a couple somas to drive him somewhere.
	He's like, Dio, bruh.
	Cause he looked like Don Flamenco.
	Remember Don Flamenco from Mike Tyson's Punch Out?
	This guy was the first homosexual that everybody knew in our area.
	And he also was a prize.
	Billy would, he was a fighter too.
	He grew up boxing, right?
	And then, so he would get the one with the rose in his mouth.
	That looks more like him.
	There you go.
	That's Billy right there, bro.
	Okay.
	So he goes, Theo, bro, I'll give you a couple somas, you drive me across the lake, bro.
	I was like, all right.
	I've never taken somas in my life, dude.
	So I took two of them bitches, dude.
	He went into the time to the service station to get a prepaid phone call or something because he had some domestic issues.
	But so he comes back out, bro.
	And I fucking, it only been about 12 minutes of taking them bitches.
	We start driving, dude.
	I took a right turn and the place didn't even exist, bro.
	Fucking road didn't even exist, bro.
	Right into the ditch, dude.
	Oh, my God.
	Bro, he fucking takes my body, moves me over to the passenger seat to cop came.
	He went to jail for like four months, dude.
	So he switched to you.
	Oh, fucking G, bro.
	Bless his heart.
	Because he knew he put me in that situation.
	I was a child.
	He was like an adult, bro.
	But it was, I was just trying to, but who gives their driver fucking two somas, you know?
	So just poor pill management, really.
	Poor pill management.
	Yeah, it is.
	But damn, that was something, dude.
	God.
	Oh, when I think of some of the times, dude.
	It scares you.
	Yeah, when I think of the times that I drove fucked up, Yoey, when I used to get, I would put both of my feet on the pedals, right?
	Because I was too nervous to let one of my feet make all the decisions, right?
	So I was like, I ain't trusting this one of my feet.
	I'm going to have both feet down there in case something pops off, right?
	So I had one on each pedal, but even then, it's like playing a, you know, it's a little bit of driver's ed kind of vibes.
	It's a, so, and I would be like in a crosswalk and I would be high and somebody would be walking through and I'd be like, do not fucking hit the gas, bro.
	Just hoping my feet didn't do their own shit and start a new adventure for themselves.
	You know, it just got me so, just be, just being so fucked up that you didn't know if you were going to be able to rely on yourself, you know?
	That shit was tough.
	That's one thing about me I never fucking did.
	As crazy as I am, I could do anything.
	Like if you say to me, Joey, can we do this?
	Let's go.
	I'm not scared of cops.
	You know, when I was running, I was running.
	Okay.
	When you're running, you're running.
	There's one thing I hate doing.
	Drinking and driving.
	Or partying and driving.
	Listen, I could smoke a joint and drive better than most people.
	The other shit, I cannot drink and drive.
	It won't let me.
	My body shuts down.
	Because I know I could talk to a cop, but if I'm drinking, I can't talk to him.
	Because he's got me.
	I'm guilty.
	I'm guilty.
	I'm not going to fucking try to tell him I have one drink.
	That's why I won't even have one drink when I go out.
	The fear of a cop pulling me over and asking me, Were you drinking?
	Yeah.
	And then I got to go, yeah.
	And then he gets me out of the car, and then I got to do the fucking 10 steps.
	So before I go through all that shit, you know, and we didn't have Ubers.
	You know, I didn't have an Uber.
	Now, fucking great to get high.
	Yeah, you can do whatever the fuck you want now.
	Yeah, people don't understand what that was like, not having an Uber.
	Shit.
	You had to get high.
	Say if you wanted to leave a place, you had to fucking walk off.
	Walk or fucking run or fucking go through the weeds or some shit.
	You know, my thing was, I'm still very grateful that in all those years, nothing happened bad on the road.
	And, bro, I was in situations where, you know, a lot of shit could have happened drug-wise.
	One time in Beaumont, when I think of nights that I could have died, it's Beaumont.
	Beaumont, for reals.
	I fucking OD'd on Valium.
	Really?
	You can OD on the sunset there.
	It's a beautiful area.
	I couldn't talk for three days.
	I had to go to a hotel room.
	My face was dragging.
	It's like I had palsy face.
	Yeah.
	Couldn't go home.
	Couldn't get on a plane.
	I blew my whole check in a hotel in Houston, fucking coming down, hiding from people.
	Drinking Gatorades, bro.
	You know, yeah.
	It's so many things could have happened.
	Yeah.
	All those weeks in Miami doing drugs, Houston, you know, Houston was fucking, you came to Houston to lose your mind and do comedy.
	That was part of it.
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	That's a fucking, I had a friend that, well, he wasn't a friend.
	When I was like 24, there was an old guy that hung out at one of the bars.
	Oh, yeah.
	And he would just drink and then throw punches in the air.
	He'd say, you're talking to me.
	And he would throw punches, you know.
	You know, the whole fucking thing.
	Oh, yeah.
	So I'm doing coke in this bar.
	And every day he talked to himself.
	And, yeah, I'll fucking kick your ass.
	And he throw jabs.
	And one day I asked the bartender, what's up with this fucking guy?
	He goes, you don't know Johnny Reed?
	I go, nah.
	You know, it was 1984.
	I'm a kid.
	I don't know Johnny Reed.
	He goes, I go, is he crazy?
	He goes, you don't know what he did?
	I go, nah.
	He goes, he tried to kill himself, jumped out of a building and land in the garbage dumpster.
	And he just bopped his head.
	So now he's fucked up.
	He would get a check from the government on the first, and he would just give it to the bartender and say, tell me when it's over.
	By the 18th, he'd be broke, and he'd be in there fucking arguing with the bartender.
	I locked him in the bathroom one day.
	Dog, I locked him in the bathroom at 2.30 in the afternoon.
	Yeah.
	Because in Jersey, the bathroom's locked from the outside.
	He was driving us crazy, talking about boxing.
	1964, I took him to the body, and we're like, Johnny, knock it off.
	He went into the bathroom.
	I can't take Johnny no more.
	We locked him.
	We left.
	We leave.
	Oh, you gotta.
	I came back at nine.
	I go to the bathroom.
	He's still in the bathroom locked.
	He came in.
	He's like, woo, that's the noise he made when I opened the door.
	He goes, woo.
	This guy used to fuck me.
	Like, we'd give him up.
	Then towards the end, I would go, Johnny, you ever do Coke?
	I'd give him a line of Coke, and that would put his embirrism, whatever craziness he had, he'd go even worse.
	And I still remember giving him a line of Coke, like a two in the morning, like a bump.
	And then being in the car at five, going to the city to get Coke, and seeing him walking over to George Washington Bridge, throwing fucking left.
	I'm like, oh my God, we can't give that motherfucking lines no more.
	And then I cracked him one day.
	I just showed him my dick.
	I put him on the stool next to him.
	Oh, yeah.
	And he was right on the stool.
	And he's like, and I go, Johnny, he goes, what?
	And I go, look at this.
	And he goes, wow.
	And he just fucking watched the basketball game.
	He goes, wow.
	And he just said, I'm like, fucking dying.
	Only Johnny could do this.
	I've been asking about him.
	What happened to him?
	He's got to be dead by now.
	He was 50, 60 when that shit in the 80s.
	Dude, we had a guy.
	We had this dude, Mr. Dennis, and everybody just called him Danny, right?
	This guy in our neighborhood.
	He kind of like, he was just like an adult, right?
	But he had this son named Rocky was his son, right?
	And so Rocky was like, I don't know if something was wrong with him, but something was pretty much wrong with him, right?
	Like he just wasn't, you couldn't really rely on him.
	Like if you told him something, it didn't matter because he didn't really know like what was going on a lot of times, right?
	So you wouldn't share like a lot of Information with him.
	But Rocky had a fucking cock on him, right?
	So one time we're all outside, and Mr. Denny goes, Rocky, show him that cock, right?
	His own son, dude.
	And we're all like, What the fuck, dude?
	And Rocky fucking showed that cock, bro.
	And everybody was like, Damn, Rocky's got that cock on him, bro.
	And then after that, it would always like anytime we were that Mr. Denny was around, he would be like, Rocky, show him that cock, huh?
	And Rocky would fucking get his cock out.
	Now, Rocky wasn't all there.
	No, he wasn't all there.
	Yeah, yeah, he was definitely, but he was like, you know, he was healthy enough, like, he could enjoy Christmas and shit, you know.
	It wasn't like he was like, you know, like you got to keep him in the back or whatever.
	He was definitely like, you know, he was a cool guy.
	Like, you could play games with him and shit.
	Like, it wasn't like he was like, he just wasn't real bright and his mouth was always wet, you know?
	But the dad would be like, Rocky, show him that.
	Show him that dick.
	Yeah, show him that cock, Rock.
	Because most of those like mentally challenged, like retards, they got big dicks.
	Yeah.
	And they're horny, too.
	They'll fuck you to death.
	Oh, dude.
	You'll recalk your living room, dude.
	Them boys are like that.
	I saw a fucking, I was up at Salem, Oregon one time.
	Eugene.
	And it was whatever, Special Olympian Convention at the hotel.
	We were doing comedy.
	Not good.
	And I was working with a feature act who had huge tits with cleavage.
	He is on stage, and one of the kids was walking by.
	And he saw her tits, and he started making, he started making noises.
	Yeah, just doing the Biden dude.
	Do you think I'm fucking kidding you?
	I was watching the whole thing go down and I'm watching this kid.
	Why is he going crazy?
	He was looking at the tits.
	And there was two fucking big black guys, like University of Oregon football players that work in security.
	There was a point they couldn't contain him.
	He was just going, and they had to fucking tackle him.
	He was pushing the brothers out of the way.
	I was like, this fuck is, because that's strong, too.
	Oh, yeah.
	Oh, definitely.
	That's strong, too.
	So you got to be careful.
	They'll hold you down and fuck you to death with that big fucking fucking Special Olympian dick.
	You're going to have some problems, dog.
	Yeah, you can't let him pet an animal for too long.
	That's for sure, brother.
	That shit will escalate.
	Dude, what was I seeing?
	What was that thing in the news I just saw that they found – Because they're having, they just found like plastics.
	What was it?
	You see that thing?
	Microplastics have been found in human testicles.
	Yeah.
	Bring that up, dude.
	I mean, Joey, this is the kind of stuff, brother.
	You're lucky you have two healthy daughters.
	You know, this is the kind of stuff, man, that's happening now.
	In 2024, microplastics are starting to look a lot like cigarettes did in the early 1960s, a poorly understood health hazard in dire need of better study and regulation.
	The latest bad news on microplastics in human health emerged last week when a study from researchers at the University of New Mexico examined 47 canine and 23 human testes, nuts or body nuts, taken from neutering operations and cadivers, respectively.
	All of those testicles had microplastics inside of them.
	So it's just like, what's going to, what, like, you know, what is that causing, bro?
	If you got pla, you know, what kind of effects can happen?
	Does it say they've already been found in our bloodstream and in other human organs such as the liver, the heart, and the lungs?
	I just, you start to wonder what happens when that gets into your brain.
	Does that make more if a kid's got plastic in his head or whatever?
	Listen, bro.
	There's so many things going on right now.
	You know, there's so many fucking things.
	You know, look at this.
	The pandemic opened up, you know, with the fucking shots and the mental health.
	It just opened up a variety of fucking, of everything.
	Everybody's speeding up or something.
	I got a fucking hernia.
	I lost weight and all of a sudden I had this bump.
	I got a fucking hernia.
	You know, who the fuck knows?
	Who the fuck knows what they're putting in food anymore?
	You know, you don't know what you're really eating.
	You know, fucking vegetables.
	Fruit tastes like shit sometimes.
	It tastes good others.
	It doesn't even taste like fruit sometimes.
	No.
	No, guys, it's a different fucking world.
	And, you know, try to make a doctor's appointment now.
	Impossible.
	It's, it's, you know, try to get a heart.
	Try to make a heart appointment.
	They'll tell you, like, if you call today, they'll go, yeah, fucking July 8th.
	Yeah.
	Because that fucking fucking needle fucked everybody's heart up.
	You know, there's a ton of shit going on.
	God knows.
	They're not telling me.
	They don't tell you shit, man.
	Has it always been like that?
	Or do you think it's happening more than ever?
	Or do you feel like it's always been like that in life?
	I think it's always been like that, but we have the internet now and 20,000 media outlets.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, that's true.
	We have so much information.
	Listen, this metal, this fucking heart, the disease.
	I think the biggest thing I'm looking at is I've never seen mental health like this.
	I know people.
	I grew up with people.
	And I talk to them now, and they're not the same fucking person.
	Yeah.
	And I know I'm not the same person.
	I know the pandemic or whatever, the 30 years of comedy, you know, getting hit in the head.
	Who the fuck knows?
	But right now, man, you have, did you see like the last 10 years, the rise and everybody's a politician now?
	Everywhere you go, people want to talk to you about politics.
	I've never seen like men don't even want to talk about pussy no more.
	But what do you think?
	You know, it's too much information.
	And that pandemic fucked us up because what were you doing?
	Listening to music or watching TV, waiting for the next fucking hand job.
	After the pandemic, I never watched world news ever again.
	I'm an American.
	I want to watch it at 6.30.
	I was raised on them.
	I don't watch anymore because they're just scaring white people.
	That's all they're doing.
	They're giving you selective news.
	I don't believe anything no more.
	I just live my life and I fucking try my best to decipher what's getting thrown at you all day.
	But the mental health, I think, right now, and this is what it's got to be.
	It's the internet.
	It's the fucking, You know, everybody's a celebrity now.
	We're living in a world where everybody's a fucking celebrity now.
	You go to a fucking movie theater now, they got poster boards for you to take pictures of.
	Everybody's a fucking celebrity.
	I've never seen a world like this.
	I got restaurants by my house on Thursday nights.
	You can't pull up.
	Yeah.
	Can't pull up.
	Lamborghinis, Ferraris, to go to a fucking restaurant.
	Everybody's a fucking celebrity.
	The other half, we're fighting for our fucking lives.
	And then they keep putting this shit out of you.
	Every day, you put the news on in the afternoon or whatever.
	The Trump hush deal, this, that.
	It's constant.
	It's always in your face.
	And if you're going to, you get sucked in by it.
	Yeah.
	I'm telling you, I've seen the people.
	We're getting thrown so much information at us anymore.
	It's so much.
	Fucking, somewhere along the line, you got to crack.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, it's too much, man.
	I just missed like a simpler time, too, man.
	God, remember how much fun it was, dude?
	This is simple.
	Nobody had a phone.
	You went out.
	Nobody get a hold of you.
	We used to go, bro.
	I remember we'd go to Howard Johnson's, bro.
	Remember Howard Johnson's?
	Fuck yeah.
	Bring up a fucking Howard Johnson.
	They had that saltwater taffy.
	Show them that cock, Rocky.
	Show them that cock, Rocky.
	I think there's still a Howard Johnson's by me on Route 3. I hope there is, dude.
	Howard Johnson's.
	My mom, when I was like five, we would go, she would drop us off there to meet my grandparents or whatever.
	And we didn't know our, like, and they would have, oh, they used to have, and we'd have like a nice meal there.
	It'd be nice, bro.
	They had the bathrooms that had the little, you ever go with, like, you ever go to a bathroom, but it has a little room before you get in the bathroom.
	It's like you open the door and then you're just in like a little bitty room and then there's another door and that's the bathroom.
	It's like the room's like three feet by three feet.
	You know what I'm saying?
	You open that?
	They had that shit, dude.
	We never even seen that.
	Like a little.
	How many Howard Johnsons could possibly left?
	I don't know.
	Dude, Shoni's Inn, bro.
	I remember for $11, you could stay at the place, right?
	For $15, you could stay and eat, right?
	So it was that $4 up charge.
	You got that buffet.
	Shony's had an inn, and we would go, bro.
	And they also had this premiere buffet for like $2 more.
	You could go.
	They had like this kind of roped off area of the buffet.
	And down there, they had fucking salmon or whatever, you know, damn pick, you know, special pickles, salmon, honeydew.
	Honeydew melon.
	Like, I'd never, shit, you'd never seen fucking gay watermelon.
	You know what I'm saying?
	They had all the special shit down there, like black pudding or whatever.
	They had all the shit down there.
	The Reeboks were on sale.
	They had like this special area of the buffet, but it was like roped off unless you got the Premiere Edition or whatever.
	But dude, we would go there, bro.
	It was so nice, dude.
	When you're a kid, all that shit's nice until you get old and you're like, why am I eating this shit?
	I'm going to fucking die.
	Look at the people around me.
	Look what they look like.
	And here I am with them about to die.
	And that's anywhere.
	Any of those chains, that fucking country croc.
	What's that one?
	Crack a barrel.
	Crack a barrel.
	You'll die.
	You'll fucking die in one of those places.
	There's like 10 of those fucking joints that you're eating in, you're like, you know what?
	What's the place that they have the chocolate fountain?
	They have one in Burbank.
	Memphis?
	No, I don't.
	No, no, no.
	No.
	There's an all-you-can-eat buffet in Burbank.
	Oh, it's a chain.
	It's a chain.
	And they advertise.
	Oh, you're talking about Shaky's Pizza?
	No, not that either.
	We used to do comedy in Shakey's Pizza in Seattle.
	Did you?
	One tonight.
	They had like a Wednesday night.
	No, but he got leprosy at one of those places.
	He fucked me.
	You got leprosy.
	Oh, this guy would get everything, bro.
	He's a real susceptible fella.
	Golden Corral?
	Golden Corral.
	That's a fucking place right there.
	Oh, you'll die.
	Oh, there's a lot of shit.
	And I see people eating fish at those places.
	You just want to go over to them and go, listen, here's a good mortician.
	When they lay out your body, they can take that salmon out.
	Salmon, shrimp.
	And I don't think there's no buffets anymore.
	No.
	Right?
	Since the pandemic?
	I mean, I think, well, people are still doing them, but it's definitely more of a risque type of thing.
	It's kind of like the only fans of like the dinner community.
	I feel like, like, if you see a buffet, it's, it almost feels like it's prohibition or something.
	Like, you should, you know what I'm saying?
	Like, it's a fucking speakeasy, you know?
	When you go to those places and you look around and you're like, like, I went to, I went to fucking, where did I go?
	I went to Kentucky, Paducah.
	My brother-in-law lives in Paducah.
	I love my in-laws.
	It's my niece's birthday today.
	I love her.
	But I can't go to Paducah because they take me to this restaurant and they put cheddar cheese on everything.
	They put it on oatmeal, on cereal.
	I mean, whatever the university, they put a handful of that communist cheddar cheese.
	It's worse than the one the government sends you.
	And I'm eating one night with my wife because my wife brought it home to me the one night.
	She's like, we're going to go over here and eat.
	You could stay there and I just bring you a thing.
	And I ate it.
	It wasn't bad.
	It was like a steak.
	Just a couple pieces of meat.
	It wasn't bad.
	The next night I went, I'm like, yeah, that play, I'm excited.
	Let's go.
	And we went there and I'm looking at these people and everybody's ankles were swollen.
	They all had a diabetic foot.
	Oh, yeah.
	Everybody.
	It's like going to a Yankee game.
	I went to a Yankee game two years ago.
	I was sitting next to a lady.
	Her foot was purple.
	And what this bitch do, she put like a blue tattoo on it to throw the color off of the diabetic foot.
	I'm like, when does it end?
	Fucking night.
	And she's sitting there eating beer, drinking beer.
	If you're eating beer, I've seen a woman over there eating beer with a spoon.
	You know them bitches.
	It was a fucking nightmare.
	When I see a diabetic foot at a restaurant, I gotta go.
	Or a fat ankle like that.
	When I looked around this restaurant, Paducah, everybody's ankles were swollen.
	I'm like, dog, I'm done.
	I'm on the plane tomorrow.
	You gotta go.
	Yeah, you get to some.
	It is true.
	I think it's important.
	You gotta look around and see who's in the joint.
	Who's in this fucking joint?
	Look at these people.
	They're gonna die.
	Because sometimes it is.
	It's just cat.
	It's like people that are almost just like cattle that don't want to, yeah, that can't even breathe that good or read.
	You'll see people like on, like on oxygen, you know, sneaking in a fucking sneaking in a little hit of pie or something.
	While they're eating a smoke and a cigarette, they don't give a fuck.
	They don't give a fuck, man.
	And it's like, I get nervous in those places.
	Like, I'm going to die.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, there's just a lot of bad food out there.
	And I think it's gotten more to the place now.
	You have to take care of yourself because the government or whatever, whatever we thought, the FDA, that shit's all been compromised, bro.
	You show up with an envelope and they'll approve anything.
	They don't give a fuck anymore.
	Bro, you could have damn menthol bread pudding, bro.
	Those motherfuckers will approve.
	You know, it's like going on Instagram.
	They sell every get-well cure on Instagram.
	Like, who would buy, you know, and they, it's constant.
	Look at your Instagram.
	It's like bodybuilding, recuperation, testosterone.
	Yeah, I'm going to buy testosterone online from some fucking guy I don't know.
	It is crazy.
	Eyebrow loss.
	They have eyebrows.
	Like, what are you even doing?
	No, man.
	Yeah, poor vision.
	Missing grandparents.
	You're like, who gives a fuck?
	It's like missing grandparents.
	For $40 a month.
	You're like, what even am I paying for?
	It's just some of this shit.
	Yeah, it's like everything is for sale.
	It doesn't matter.
	Everything.
	You sit there and you go, all these products.
	I like when somebody goes on Rogan and they talk about a product and then you go on Instagram two weeks later and they're talking on Rogan about the product and they're selling it just because Rogan was in it.
	And it's like, guys, when does it end?
	Like using the clips, you mean I'm like, yeah, like using the clips.
	It's just so.
	It's dirty.
	Yeah, it's just changed a lot.
	We've just gotten to where everything is an advertisement.
	You know, everything is for sale.
	I mean, if you look at it even with like a lot of young men aren't having sex anymore, a lot of women are selling their bodies on OnlyFans.
	It's like there's nobody holding anything real.
	It used to be you had to go at least tickle somebody to get some pussy.
	Go to a bar, talk to them, at least lie to them.
	Work the angle.
	You know what I'm saying?
	There's always an angle.
	I don't know.
	I'm still recovering from my old boyfriend.
	Let's do some coke and talk about it.
	There's always fucking something.
	But it's just different now.
	And we've forgotten.
	Listen, man, we've forgotten a lot of things.
	Things are getting right away from us.
	You know, I was really opposed to texting for years.
	I remember that.
	That's why I even called you yesterday.
	I was really opposed to it.
	Now I'll do it.
	But I didn't like it because it takes away our connection, man.
	I want to hear your voice.
	You could tell me whatever you want on the text.
	Theo, how you doing?
	I'm doing great.
	I picked up an envelope.
	Theo, how you doing, man?
	So I don't, that's why I didn't like it.
	Yeah.
	That's why I didn't like it because what they're doing is creating a society that separates us even more.
	You know what I can't see Theo now?
	So we'll just zoom once a week.
	Let's zoom.
	Get in a fucking plane and come see me.
	Yeah.
	We're doing everything we can to separate.
	And I always hated that.
	I understood the pandemic.
	I got it.
	But we need each other.
	It's like, I'm going to tell you something interesting.
	Pandemic started.
	I was fucked up.
	I'm going to tell you something that you're not going to believe this.
	I started doing better.
	Going in.
	And once I was there a year, August 19th of 2021, I was a little better.
	I was still withdrawing from the Xanax.
	I was having some issues.
	But I did something that before I did the knee operation, because I went back and my knee went to shit as soon as I landed.
	Like three weeks later, because I was going to cryo every day in California.
	But once I landed here in the pandemic, there was no more fucking cryo.
	Oh, there's no cryo yet.
	There was nothing.
	So my knee went to shit.
	I got surgery.
	I went, and one day I was going for a ride and I saw a jiu-jitsu school, a Gracie Jiu-Jitsu school by my house.
	And I went in there and I was scared as shit.
	It's December.
	COVID's been around not even a year, you know, but people are still like not touching each other and shit.
	And they're like, nah, we're doing great here.
	We only had to close one time.
	But when I left there, I had a doctor's appointment like a wee later, and then he told me how to have knee surgery.
	So I didn't go back to that school.
	I never went back to talk to him.
	And then one day I got a call.
	And it's the guy, the brown belt at the school.
	His name is Sean.
	He's like, I just want to check in with you.
	I go, dog, after I saw you, I got knee surgery.
	So it'll be a while.
	This guy kept calling me and not selling.
	He wasn't selling.
	He was just being a nice kid going, if you want to come in and move a little bit, it just be me and you, man.
	Nobody will bother you.
	Right.
	We'll work on stuff.
	And I'm like, I don't know.
	Fucking jiu-jitsu.
	I went to jiu-jitsu the same day that the Soprano movie premiered.
	It was September 21st of 2021.
	And I remember I walked in there.
	I had to cancel the first two, like I canceled two classes.
	Finally, I go, next Wednesday.
	Now it's Wednesday.
	And I'll never forget going in there and we did some shit.
	And then he goes, just roll with me for a minute.
	And I remember leaving that and going, I feel a lot better.
	Wow.
	Just human touch with somebody else.
	I'm not gay or nothing, but just that touch of him fucking submitting me and grabbing me.
	And I was like, I feel.
	And then I went to the premiere that night and I was fucking COVID conscious.
	I'm like, I'm going to sit at the beacon with 2,000 fucking people to see this movie.
	We're going to get COVID.
	Yeah.
	It wasn't even that.
	When I got out, the driver dropped me on the corner of the beacon and I was in a corner with 500 people.
	And they were all like touching me and shit.
	And I remember walking out of that circle going, if I don't get COVID now, I'll never get it.
	Went to the movie theater.
	Didn't even go to the premiere party.
	Just saw the movie with my family and some friends.
	I didn't even go to the party.
	But going to that jiu-jitsu class and the classes after that, like I was just going to take privates for like six months.
	I said, fuck this.
	I'm going into class with these guys.
	I need these guys.
	I need these fucking guys.
	I need to talk to them and touch them and fucking around, be human.
	Yeah, isolation is true.
	Isolation, it feels like it's what you want to do for yourself to make things easier and more comfortable.
	And that is one of the biggest traps, you know.
	I notice it for myself a lot of times.
	It's like I'll like, even the other day, I had some friends that went out on the boat here on Lake Austin, right?
	Person's like, I'd rather just chill, work on my comedy.
	You know, I'm in town, I'm in Austin specifically to work on get up on stage and stuff.
	And so, but then I was like, you know, I should go because I always choose the, let me stay and work on something.
	Let me stay and be by myself.
	I always choose that.
	And then I find myself, well, then you're always by yourself.
	You know what I'm saying?
	You get stuck with by yourself thoughts, by yourself bullshit.
	You know, when you're with somebody, you, you get a, they don't, and they don't fucking run off.
	You're like, oh, I'm all right.
	I'm all right to be around.
	I'm not a weirdo.
	I'm not a complete weirdo, you know?
	And so that kind of stuff is huge, man.
	And being in those classes, it just like, and you make friends, you start to realize people got your back.
	You're not fucking alone.
	That, there's nothing is as helpful, I don't think, as going to those jiu-jitsu classes.
	I don't go into them as much as I wish I did because I kept getting hurt, bro.
	I would just, and I couldn't do anything.
	I had to work.
	I'm like, I'm fucking wheezing.
	I got my shit all wrapped up.
	I got a fucking bunch of lemons, fucking duct tape to my rib cage and reading shit online, you know, eating oleander or whatever on the fucking internet and apple seeds.
	But yeah, just that camaraderie, bro.
	I remember one time we'd been in there rolling for the day and I just started bawling, crying, bro.
	Like just shit from my, that was stuck in my body or whatever.
	It just fucking like released, you know?
	It's crazy.
	People don't understand.
	And now it's what keeps me together.
	I go every Monday and Thursday and it keeps me together.
	You have to show up with a million dollar envelope for me not to go.
	Like I made that decision six months.
	Like I've been going steady, but I got hurt.
	I hurt myself in December.
	And after that hurt, my ankle, I go, you know what?
	I'm doing this a different way.
	I'm going in there.
	It's a plan.
	Two days, I lift.
	I go to jiu-jitsu.
	I lift.
	I go to jiu-jitsu.
	I ride the bike and I'm done for the fucking week.
	It's what I do.
	Like, I don't give a fuck what you got going on.
	I'm really sorry to you.
	I got to go to jiu-jitsu because if you don't go on Monday, then you're behind the week.
	Then you're not going to go on Tuesday.
	Tuesday, you're going to get an audition.
	Then Wednesday, your kid's sick.
	You know, this is just, you wake up, she's sick.
	My wife's got to do shit.
	I got to cover.
	And that's why I always go Monday.
	So you always get at least that want it.
	Oh, yeah.
	If you want to take Thursday from me, something else will happen.
	But that's helped me a lot because it gives you a different set of friends.
	And it gives you a set of friends that have, you know, they're all trying to get healthy.
	One guy's recovering from his shoulder.
	One guy's trying to lose weight.
	I'm just an old fuck.
	I go in there for fucking to get, I go in there and burn 500 calories a month.
	Oh, yeah.
	You know.
	But these are the things I'm doing now to, I even enjoyed jiu-jitsu when I was doing comedy full-time.
	Because it got you away from the agents and the managers and everybody talking about the same shit all the time.
	Yeah, and secret gay dudes, too, out there in Hollywood, bro.
	Jesus Christ.
	I remember the first time I ever, some guy, you know, I just got into town.
	I know what was going on.
	And some guy tried to kiss me outside of a park or whatever.
	And then I remember another time a dude, an agent or whatever, gave me a ride to some place, introduced me to like Cuba Gooding Jr. or whatever, and then tried to feel on my leg or whatever when he was giving me a ride home, dude.
	And I didn't know what the fuck was going on.
	Dude, I was like, if I wasn't a little brave, I would have been gay, bro.
	You know, that's...
	You feel me, bro?
	That's a fucking shit.
	Rock, show him the cock.
	That's just good.
	You should just fly Rocky out here.
	Take a ballet with you.
	Whenever one of those guys wants to hit on you, rock, show them the cock.
	Boom.
	There you go.
	You want that roll here?
	I got a cock for you.
	Suck this fucking, suck this stick of love over here.
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	Yeah, bro.
	Dude, in Rocky, they grew up like downwind from like one of those pesticide factories or something, or you know, the place that would have the spray rig, you know?
	Dude, remember when the spray rig would come through your neighborhood, dude?
	We would fucking get on our bikes, bro.
	Because in Louisiana, they sprayed that bitch fucking twice a week, dude.
	The whole fucking, everybody's stepmother looked like a mosquito in that bitch, dude.
	But we would get on our bikes and just ride behind that gas, just pure gas coming out that bitch, dude.
	But Rocky and then Mr. Denny, they live downwind from one of those fucking stocks.
	He probably fucked, made his dick big.
	Fucking damn.
	People could all move from those places now and go, man.
	Bro, made Rocky's dick big.
	Oh, Rocky ain't been fucking stung by a bee since 2011, bro.
	I'll tell you that, dude.
	Fucking God.
	I love, yeah, dude.
	I guess the best thing is remembering stuff from growing up.
	That's something that I really, that's my favorite thing is just remembering stuff from growing up.
	Yeah, thinking about the past.
	I love it.
	You know, that's where most of like the most entertaining stuff is for me.
	But growing up now feels, yeah, it feels like kind of weird.
	I think for a lot of times I didn't want to grow up because I still wanted to just be a part.
	I feel like if I grow up too much, then I'm, then I lose all the fun.
	Does that ever make any sense to you?
	You know, man, it's so weird how you look at your life and you go, what the fuck?
	I haven't had fun, like fun, fun, fun since I left New Jersey when I was 20. Like that old fashioned fun that I liked.
	I enjoyed, you know, just getting fucked up and laughing with your friends, sleeping on the floor and going down the shore and all that shit.
	And then it's like I've been chasing it for the last 40 years.
	What happened those summers when I was growing up?
	You're just chasing it.
	You know, it's funny.
	I look at, like, I was seeing something about a while ago about a club.
	They were talking about this club and VIP and all this.
	And I looked at it and I'm like, all this is is people chasing Studio 54. Yeah.
	That's all this is.
	They've been chasing Studio 54 since the 80s.
	You know, us guys like you and I, our childhoods were fucking really special.
	They were comical.
	Comical.
	When we think of our childhood, we had no other option than to become a comic because all the tools were put in front of us.
	The stories, the situations, other storytellers that taught us how to tell a story.
	It's fucking crazy.
	I think now, like, I was always going to be a comic.
	I just didn't know that.
	I just didn't know that.
	Everything all goes into one circle.
	Everything that you've lived.
	I remember somebody told me one time that when you do a movie, okay, like, you know, I did a bunch of movies early on and nobody talked to me.
	Nobody said, hey, I saw you in that movie.
	He goes, you got to give a movie culture.
	You have to give a movie years.
	And all of a sudden, I saw what he meant because one day when the podcast and everything else started lifting us, people started connecting those movies.
	Do you follow me?
	At first, you can't connect them.
	But after you hit a little bit and people start following you and stuff, your movies will connect.
	You know, like it's the weirdest thing.
	I don't even know if I'm explaining it.
	I don't know if I'm not understanding you on this.
	He had a concept that said, like, people do a movie.
	Like, you do a movie with, like, who's the hottest star today?
	I don't know.
	Kyle, probably.
	Gigi Hadid or something.
	I don't even know these fucking people.
	Yeah, probably Bradley Cooper.
	Bradley Cooper.
	All right.
	You do a movie with Bradley Cooper.
	And the movie comes out.
	Bradley Cooper wins an Academy Award for it.
	It's a great movie.
	You don't think that you're getting as much as you should have.
	You ever see somebody do a movie?
	And fucking they blow up.
	Yeah.
	Tiffany Haddish did a movie.
	She's been working hard for 30 years.
	Did one movie.
	Blew the fuck up.
	Yeah.
	Okay.
	I did 20 movies.
	Nobody ever fucking talked to me at all.
	They didn't talk to me till I fucking told the story about mugging a hooker and lighting her wiggle on fire.
	That changed my career.
	That was it.
	Now people, you know, people start, you do a Disney show, nobody wants to see it.
	You know, you do a T, nothing.
	But my point is that, let's say you did a movie with Bradley Coop and you call me a year from now and go, what the fuck?
	All these motherfuckers blew up around me.
	I got one commercial or something out of it.
	Right.
	You know?
	But in three years, as you keep growing, your career keeps growing, more people start going, let me watch that movie because Theo's in it now.
	I didn't know Theo was in it.
	Oh, shit, I got to watch that again.
	Because now you're somebody to them.
	And that's how that movie gets big and connected to all the other movies.
	It's the weirdest fucking thing.
	Because nobody would see my shit.
	You know, like I'm telling you.
	I mean, I remember going to see, I did The Longest Yard.
	That's the only movie where people would come out and shake my hand.
	And at the end of the show, they would hide from me.
	Because they thought I was going to go up there and do Adam Sandler knock knock jokes.
	I'm up there talking about snorting Coke and fucking getting my dick sucked and putting a Coke rock and people were like, they would just leave.
	And now you say one fucking joke about mugging a hooker and you're selling out fucking comedy clubs.
	You don't know what it's going to be, but the culture of it is what I'm talking about.
	How you might not think nobody saw you, but years from now.
	It's like you could do 18 movies, and the movie you hate the most is the one that people come up to you and go, We loved you tonight.
	You're like, God damn it.
	I did 17 other ones.
	Yeah.
	I did 17 other movies.
	That's the one you liked, the one I fucking hated.
	And then you tell them the story.
	I was coked up to 8 in the morning and my call time was at 9. And they're like, oh, no wonder you hated the fucking movie.
	Yeah, I think, yeah, I guess it's like, did you think that when podcasting started, it was going to be what it was?
	Did you have any real foresight on it?
	Did you get into it because you were like, oh, I don't know if acting is going to be enough for me?
	Like, what was kind of your motivation to get into it?
	I know it's kind of an old question.
	I just don't know the answer to it.
	2009, I moved to the Valley.
	I moved to Studio City where we lived, the office up the corner from the office.
	At that time, man, I had done movies.
	I had done TV shows.
	I recurred on TV shows.
	I wasn't at the store anymore.
	And I was just opening for Joe.
	And I would do spots.
	You know, I would do my own shit and open for Joe.
	And then I was like, you know what, man?
	I got a call from the funny bone one time.
	And they're like, we're willing to give you like six weeks of work.
	The number they threw at me was so fucking ridiculous.
	It was so ridiculous.
	And a year before this, I had had this conversation with somebody else.
	That guy's name was Billy Gardell.
	I saw him in Burbank and we were just chatting.
	And he told me that right before he got Molly and whatever that fucking show was, Molly.
	Molly and Molly or whatever.
	He was like, I'm thinking of getting out of this shit.
	He goes, they just offered me these deals and it's no money.
	They want me to work Wednesday through Sunday in those days.
	That's hard.
	2000, no airport fair.
	No, you know.
	And I'm like, you know, when that happened to me, I was like, you know what?
	It's 2009.
	I got nothing going on.
	I'm going to go to the Ford store and pee in a bottle and get a job selling cars.
	Yeah.
	I'll still audition.
	I'll still audition.
	And I'll still go out and work for Rogan.
	But I'm not doing this no more.
	I've been doing it for 20 years or something, right?
	At that point.
	Wow.
	And it's not, I'm not even happy doing it anymore.
	That's the biggest thing.
	Okay.
	It was like, I'm good.
	I could do movies.
	I keep my insurance.
	I could always book a movie or a TV show, except lately.
	I don't know what the fuck's going on.
	But.
	We don't even have any more TV shows, really.
	No, but I don't have any auditions.
	I got an audition for me to go go fuck yourself, and I didn't get it.
	Wow.
	When you got one line to curse of Steve Martin and you don't get it, you're not doing well, okay?
	So.
	So he's still auditioning a pretty good bit.
	Huh?
	He's still auditioning a decent amount?
	If they have something, they'll call me and I'll put it on tape.
	And lately, they've been doing Zoom ones, which I'm in fucking shock.
	But I'm not booking anything.
	Look at me.
	It's over.
	But you like it, though.
	There's something you like, though.
	No, I like booking.
	I don't like working.
	I see.
	My dick gets hard when I get that call.
	My dick gets hard when I go in the room and there's other actors in there and they look at you like, what are you doing here?
	And you're like, really, motherfucker?
	I'm going to show you what I'm doing here, bitch.
	Yeah.
	And then they call you.
	But then when they call you for wardrobe, you're like, come on, guys.
	What the fuck?
	We want you to come in for wardrobe and then come back for this and then park and then we're going to do a table read on Tuesday.
	And you're like, guys.
	Quit jerking everybody off.
	That's not what I want to do.
	Wasting people's time and money.
	No.
	So that's my secret.
	I love booking.
	That is a good moment if somebody calls you and says, you got something.
	You got something.
	I'm listening.
	They made you an offer, blah, blah, blah.
	And you're like, fuck yeah.
	Fuck that punk in the audition.
	Yeah, fuck that punch.
	I remember going to audition one time, and the guy told us in the audition, go home.
	I already did the job.
	I already worked with this guy.
	He's going to give me the job anyway.
	And then I booked him.
	I saw him at the store like a week later.
	Did you ever hear from him?
	I go, bitch.
	I booked it.
	He was pale.
	He was fucking pale.
	But what I was telling you was the truth was, I'm going to tell you the honest to God truth.
	I always had a problem with comedy.
	I'm not the best comedian, but I'm a good storyteller.
	And I always knew if I had a chance to tell my story, it would change things.
	If it didn't, then I'll go away into the hills quietly.
	You ever watch HBO boxing?
	Like 15 years ago?
	Yeah, yeah.
	With Joe Frazier or whatever?
	Roy Jones Jr.?
	Yeah, like anything 20 years ago with boxing.
	You know, you look at a guy that's a boxer or a UFC fighter.
	Yeah.
	All right.
	And you're like, look at this fucking guy.
	Tattoos.
	He's talking all this shit, you know.
	But then they do those things.
	You know, 20 for 20, like those HBO would do like, let's talk to Theo at his house.
	You know, so I know Theo.
	He's got a hat.
	He's from Louisiana.
	He's got an Icy Mike.
	This, that.
	But now I get to see you with your mother.
	Yeah.
	I get to see you with your dad.
	I get to see you with your kids.
	I get to see that fucking Theo has a farm.
	I didn't know that.
	And he gets up in the morning after training two hours and he goes to the farm and works eight hours.
	And then he picks his kid up from school, cooks with them.
	Then he goes back to fucking train.
	Then he goes back over there and puts his kids in showers.
	Then he fucking, you know, and you're like, I thought this guy was just a fucking sack of shit.
	Yeah.
	That was my thing.
	Right.
	That I knew if I could tell my story digitally, like detail by detail, I could get somewhere.
	And I was right.
	Just go up there.
	And for two months, we were doing what we're doing, what people do.
	So what do you think about P. Diddy?
	That's not a podcast.
	You're just fucking the extension of the news.
	When you get into the nuts and bolts with people and you, like I told you, I had nothing going on in my career until I told the story that I mugged the hooker and lit her wig on fire.
	Yeah.
	And all of a sudden I was selling 150 tickets a show and you're like, I've done fucking all this stuff and nobody ever wanted to buy a ticket.
	But I tell the most awkward stories.
	So what do guys like me and you do?
	Tell them all disgusting stories of your life.
	Yeah.
	And they ate them up.
	Get it out.
	Well, people can relate to stuff, dude.
	Especially with hookers, man.
	I remember doing drugs and then I would like negotiate with hookers online, right?
	Because I didn't have any money.
	So I'm sitting there like, I'm not like price gouging or whatever they call it, but I'm like, you know, like, I'm like, how about this?
	Just stay for maybe 40 minutes or whatever.
	You know, just give me like, you know, $75 off the amount or whatever.
	And I was always so high.
	This would happen to me every time, Joey.
	A woman of the night or whatever escort would come over.
	I'd be so high.
	I'd be scared.
	I'd hand the money out of the door, open the door a little bit, fucking hand them the money and have them go home, right?
	90% of the time, because I was so scared.
	Like, I don't even know why I would do it.
	And I would do that two or three times in a night, right?
	So one time, dude, I remember one time this Russian lady, she, I was, she had to go or something, right?
	And I was, and she asked me to watch her dog, right, at her fucking place.
	I went over there and she asked me to watch her dog.
	And I couldn't even understand what she was saying.
	I thought she wanted to do like butt stuff or something.
	But then she just was trying to get me to watch this fucking dog, dude.
	So the whole conversation was just ridiculous, bro.
	Because I kept kind of touching her butt and she kept kind of pointing at this puppy.
	I'm just like, what am I doing, dude?
	I would be petrified to call a hooker.
	Oh, it was so scary.
	Petrified.
	And never mind on Coke.
	Like, I wanted to.
	Trust me, you're not the only guy that got fucking secret fucking desires.
	Whenever you do Coke and you're by yourself, you're dying to call a freak that's going to take the rye with you.
	I can never do it.
	I can never fucking do it.
	And if I got somebody to come over, if I jerked off before they come over, then I wouldn't even open the door.
	I'd keep that little bit of Coke from me.
	Fuck it, you ain't getting none of this.
	I already cracked a nut.
	You ain't getting none of this shit.
	I'm out of Coke.
	I'd crash a fucking aspirin and give it to them.
	Oh, I remember, yeah.
	Like, I'd feel so bad once a hooker was coming over.
	One time, I remember putting on like an, like, I didn't want to even seem like I did Coke or whatever.
	So I remember putting on like an apron or something to make it seem like I was like cooking around my house.
	Like just being like an organized guy, you know, like, what the fuck?
	What a loser dude.
	She's probably like, it's 330.
	This guy's a fucking chef.
	Oh, he is.
	God.
	I just wanted to look like I was doing something important or whatever.
	And I didn't have like a, you know, that was the closest thing.
	I had like a uniform, I guess, or whatever was that.
	I would love to sit with like a like a fucking, I don't know, one of those psychotherapists that's analyzing people for drugs or something and just sit there with them for three days and tell them the stupid shit that.
	And it's not even stupid.
	It's fucking hilarious when you look at it.
	Yeah.
	When you think about it years later, you're like, that was fucked.
	A couple weeks ago, I came down here, the 420, I came down here for the weekend.
	And I was thinking about in 86 when the Mets won the series or something or the playoffs.
	I forget what it was.
	I went to New York to pick up like a couple ounces of Coke.
	I was bringing them back to Colorado.
	And when I got there, the guy I went to see said to me, your Coke is ready to go.
	You got it.
	You got a house.
	You could stay at my house.
	He goes, I got to leave.
	I got to go away for three days to a wedding in Connecticut or something.
	And he goes, I forgot you were coming.
	I hooked you up.
	You're good to go.
	We went to eat after the fucking airport, and then he drove me to the house.
	He goes, the Coke's in there.
	Go in.
	My sister's there.
	My mom, they left you the whole fucking house.
	I get in there.
	The fucking hot water heater blew up.
	And the power went out.
	So you know guys like me and you.
	I wasn't leaving until Sunday.
	I called some of my friends, but they were fucking busy.
	And I stayed in that house from Friday to Sunday, snorting Coke with a candle and with my pants rolled up because it was all water.
	So I'm walking around like Jethro Tull, that album from Jethro Tull, with a mirror, navigating myself to the water in this fucking basement with a candle, snorting Coke.
	The sister's like 16. She's down there snorting Coke with me.
	I'm like, oh no, I'm going to go to jail.
	It's a damn underground railroad.
	He would call me every hour.
	Like, how's it going over there?
	I'm here with your sister and mom snorting fucking Coke in this fucking, you know.
	Nobody would believe that.
	I stayed there till Sunday.
	And then I get to the airport, Kennedy Airport.
	It's fucking freezing out.
	Everybody's got jackets on.
	There was no tunnels then.
	You had to walk out and get on the plane.
	Everybody had jackets on.
	Dog, I've been doing Coke for three days.
	When I walked out there, I had a t-shirt on and steam was coming out of me.
	And people looking at me like, what the fuck is he on?
	Right?
	Like, you can't, that that was like a whole afternoon.
	Then I got on the plane and I was so coked out.
	I had the aisle seat.
	Before the plane took off, they came to me and said, you can't keep getting up and going to the bathroom.
	I was going every eight minutes to the bathroom to load up.
	And then when the plane took off, I actually took the blanket, put it over my head, put the lunch tray down, crushed it up, and I would snort and then pop my head up.
	And I'm like, nobody knows I'm getting high.
	But the clinker that whole fucking day.
	Like Pungsatani Phil, dude.
	Dog, it was not.
	And this was every week.
	Eight more weeks to eight.
	You got to remember this was going on in our lives once a week.
	It's craziness.
	And then I go up to, because in those days, the planes had like a little bar.
	And you could order from the bar.
	And I remember that, I'll never forget there was a black linted bar, like black.
	Wow, on the airplane.
	In the 80s and 90s, shit.
	You had fucking planes with bars.
	Yeah.
	Jet blue.
	No, People's Express was a plane that went out of business.
	The company that went out of business, they had a piano.
	No.
	But the guy would play upstairs.
	There were double-decker planes.
	This shit today, I don't know what the fuck's going on.
	No bars, no dudes.
	You got to do a bunch of f ⁇ traffic.
	Yeah, you go on a plane now, you go on a plane to sit there like a commie and look straight ahead.
	In the 80s and 90s, you went on a plane you partied that you could move around and talk to people.
	That's what Rick Flair always says.
	He always says about how great it was on planes.
	Oh my god, I could come up with the Theo and go, Theo, buy Theo a drink, buy that lady in row three a drink, and all of a sudden you're picking up chicks on a plane, dog.
	Come on.
	Fuck.
	I'm lonely.
	So I go to the bar.
	I order whatever, a southern comfort, an orange juice, whatever the fuck I'm drinking.
	And Theo, as I'm talking to, it's just me and him at the bar.
	A fucking coke rock falls out of my nose and lands on the lint.
	And me and him are looking at it, like to see who's going to speak first.
	And I go, I look up and I'm looking at the plane.
	I go, that fell off the plane there.
	And I got back in like, see, I was never so embarrassed.
	Dog, I was doing shit that nobody, I remember going on a date with a girl to a fucking Net Philadelphia Sixer game.
	Oh, High on Coke?
	No, I had a half ounce in my pocket.
	I was holding it for late in case she didn't want to go home with me.
	Yeah.
	You know, the first quarter I'm talking to her, we're not getting nowhere.
	And I go, fuck this.
	I'm going together.
	Do you want a drink?
	She goes, yeah, I'll take a drink.
	I went to the bar to get a drink at the net game.
	The bartender had a bow tie on.
	This is like a Theo story.
	He had a bow tie on, very decent guy.
	And I'm like, yeah, like, let me get a double.
	Bah, ba.
	Let me get another one.
	Bah.
	And also, I go, you want to do a line?
	The guy's like, yeah.
	This is 1984.
	Rocky got that cat on him.
	I'm at a net basketball game.
	I got the bartender in the back doing lines.
	By the end of the night, he had his fucking bow tie off.
	He disconnected the computer.
	He was just pouring them in and giving them to people.
	I didn't go back to that seat until three minutes left.
	Wow.
	That girl was like, what happened to you?
	I'm like, you're not going to believe it.
	I had a good time.
	I had a good fucking time sitting next to your fucking tight ass fucking telling me.
	I mean, that's the shit that happened all the fucking time.
	Yeah, anything could.
	It used to feel like anything could happen.
	Anything could happen.
	Anything could happen.
	Like, yeah, we're going to go here, but listen, there was a time when there was a $39 flight to Miami.
	After midnight in Newark.
	After midnight.
	After midnight, it was 39. It was like 59 all day, like just to Miami, straight shots and 84. But from midnight to $29.
	Oh, my God.
	You get on that plane and there'd be 200 people fucking whacked.
	You know how you go, we're out of Coke.
	What are we going to do?
	Call Timmy, call Mikey, call Louie.
	Nobody's around.
	Fuck it, let's go to Miami.
	That's what people would do.
	They'd get on that plane with the last two lines and pray to God until they get to the airport.
	Dog, it was crazy.
	That's how crazy it used to be.
	After midnight, a fucking, on the hour, every hour to Miami.
	Why would that fucking, why would you want to go to my, what would make you want to go to Miami at two in the morning?
	Cocaine, brother.
	Yeah.
	And women or men.
	If you like men, I don't like them.
	But women.
	But you have a thousand of those stories.
	Thousands.
	And I have thousands of them.
	Thousands of, you know, fucking getting high and not getting anywhere.
	That's all it is.
	That's the truth of it is after you look at it over a long period of time, it's like getting high and not getting anywhere.
	Not getting anywhere.
	You know, you're talking about that shit about giving the hook of money.
	Listen, man.
	How did I quit smoking cigarettes?
	I forced myself.
	I bought an eight ball and I didn't take no cigarettes home because I knew once I had that eight ball in me, I'm not walking to 7-Eleven.
	So I stayed in that apartment all night, eight hours with no fucking cigarettes on an eight ball.
	The next day, I didn't need to smoke.
	I had already beat it in my mind.
	That's how I quit smoking cigarettes.
	I bought an eight ball and no cigarettes to go.
	Fuck.
	Yeah, I just miss a time when anything could happen.
	I've told this story before, but I, you know, I went one time.
	I used to love telling people that people had died, right?
	One of my favorite things to do, tell people like a famous person had died, right?
	Like we go to lunch or whatever.
	I'd be like, oh, you know, so-and-so died, whatever, you know, and just we could talk about it during lunch and they leave lunch, right?
	And they find out at some point that they didn't die.
	And they're like, what the fuck?
	I just talked to this guy for an hour about over here, right?
	Let's take a piss real quick.
	Oh, yeah, take a piss, man.
	Sorry about that.
	No, you're good, man.
	I'm 60 years old.
	You're good, man.
	You feel all right?
	Yeah, I just had a pee.
	I was holding it.
	I hate that.
	Burns me up.
	Yeah, dude.
	I remember one time I had an escort or whatever.
	I hate to hook her, I feel like, but dude, hookers like the term hooker.
	They don't care.
	They don't care as long as you pay them.
	Yeah.
	So, yeah, and I always paid, but yeah, this hooker got sick one time, and I remember I stayed over there for like a day and a half taking care of her.
	Really?
	Yeah, in West and Beverly Hills.
	Do you ever talk to her anymore?
	No, we texted for a while, and then I changed my number.
	But I think it was fine.
	We didn't even speak really the same language that much.
	I think she spoke like Slovakia maybe or something.
	But yeah, but we were, I mean, definitely had been doing drugs, but that was that, you know.
	I saw my mother.
	I went to surprise my mom for Mother's Day.
	I was.
	It was pretty cool.
	Went over to Tucson.
	She was doing good, man.
	I got over there and I go to her house, right?
	And I'd never been there.
	I'd never been to the house that she lives in, but she's only been there for maybe about a year and a half.
	So I go, I'm knocking on the door and I'm like, she not answering.
	I'm like, oh, man, don't tell me like they'll finally come to see her, you know, and that would be my mom, you know, because that's how she is.
	I finally come to visit and she goes and dies just to show me up.
	You know, like I could see her doing that shit.
	But I look through the window, through the blinds, and through the back blind, it's open and she's laying out in the back in the bikini, right?
	Because my mom will like the one time she would spend by herself, she would get in her bikini and get herself a can of beer and go lay on the side of the bag.
	How old is your mom now?
	You don't mind me asking?
	She's probably 74, maybe?
	Wow, you're lucky, man.
	She's getting up.
	I see her like probably twice a year.
	I'm trying to do a little bit more.
	This is the first time I'd ever went and like visited my mother in years.
	You know, like she never asks, she never says, I want you to come.
	You know, she doesn't like to assert herself into things, really.
	You know, she just, she likes to kind of keep her distance, I think, in some ways.
	But anyway, so I look through the thing and I see her in the back in that bikini and the chair and brought all the memories back when I was a kid.
	Sometimes like if she'd had enough, she'd fucking go lay out in the side yard with a fucking can of beer, you know, and a fucking, bro.
	Look, our whole apartment complex was always sinking in the mud.
	We was always fucking fighting with the landlord.
	It's like, give us 45 bucks off.
	We're fucking, you know, the dinner table's two inches lower than it was last week, you know?
	So mom's chair would be over there just slowly.
	Fuck it.
	We thought that bitch was going to disappear, bro.
	Now, who's she live with?
	She lives by herself.
	And who's down there with her?
	Nobody.
	She likes to be by herself.
	She's always like gone.
	Like even when I was young, she always was going.
	That's one thing I remember about her.
	She always had to go.
	That's the one thing I think I remember the most about my mom.
	She always had to go.
	She always had to go to work.
	She always had to move away.
	It's just how she's built, you know, something inside of her.
	It's hard for her to stay right there.
	Well, that's where you get it from.
	I know.
	Me too.
	And listen, we were talking about that before.
	We didn't really think about it.
	That's where I get it from.
	You know, I'm in the same boat as you.
	You sit there and you go, nobody calls me to do anything.
	And when they do call, you know, I'm living a life now off of Bill Hicks.
	That's what I'm doing now.
	Bill Hicks had the greatest joke that couldn't be any truer.
	Marijuana does not make you lazy.
	It just makes you realize that what you're going to do just ain't worth doing.
	And that's where I'm at my point in my life now.
	This day is like, oh, you know what?
	For me to get into this party, I got to drive an hour and a half.
	By the time I get back, I'm going to hear shit.
	You know, it's just a thousand variables.
	You give yourself excuses.
	But then again, Tom Hardy says that once you spent time alone for a while, you like it.
	And some people like it.
	And there's nothing wrong with that, Theo.
	Theo, listen, at this age and at any age, from the time I was 20, my favorite thing, yeah, everybody likes to have sex.
	Everybody likes to eat good food.
	But between me and you, give me a joint and a good book and put me in the corner.
	I'm good.
	I'll smoke a joint every two hours, take a bite of the sandwich.
	I love reading.
	That's the happiest I am when I'm fucking reading.
	If I don't have a book now in the hotel, I'll go back and start looking up recuperation for men over 60, benefits of boxing, you know, benefits of breathing.
	You know, I'm a fucking idiot, but I like to read.
	I love to, that's my thing then.
	Yeah, I'm one of those fucking idiots.
	You press benefits on my page and every benefit comes up.
	Benefits of drinking water, benefits of washing your ass, benefits of doing, you know, I'm the captain benefit.
	I want to know everything that I can about something.
	That's the happiest I am.
	And you don't, you don't read a book in a team.
	You don't read a book with 20 people.
	Yeah.
	You know, that's what, I love it.
	I fucking love it.
	Good point.
	We do stand up.
	We would not, we could have joined the fucking improv troop and been the warflowers.
	No.
	We like being up there alone with a microphone with four bricks and working ourselves out of there.
	Takes a certain person to want to be a comic, bro.
	Yeah, I. It takes a certain person.
	Yeah, I think sometimes I do compare myself to just like people that aren't comics that much.
	And then you have to realize how odd it is to do that job.
	It's an odd job.
	It's an odd job.
	If you saw an animal do it in the woods, you'd be like, that fucking animal's out of his fucking mind.
	We're crazy.
	We're crazy as stand-ups.
	We're not normal.
	We are not normal.
	There's something you have to come to terms with all the things we are as comics.
	We can't question them.
	That's who we are.
	You could have been a doctor.
	We could have been a lawyer.
	We could have been a bum.
	We could have been a hooker.
	We chose something that, you know, I don't know why I chose it.
	I just love Richard Pryor.
	And I knew once I had the felonies, I wasn't going to do anything else that I really liked.
	This is not, you know, comedy is a profession for fucking guys like us.
	Me and you have a little darkness in our past.
	We can't figure out what it is, but it makes us tick.
	Yeah.
	I loved hearing Richard Pryor too, man.
	I loved hearing him say the N-word.
	Me too.
	My mom wouldn't let us say it.
	And we were like, well, fuck, man, we got to hear it, you know?
	And so I remember we would hear him say it, dude.
	Just those books, like by who's the crazy white guy?
	Mark Twain?
	No.
	Mark Wahlberg?
	The comic before fucking Richard Pryor that was a white guy, Lenny Bruce.
	Lenny Bruce.
	Have you ever read any of his books?
	Yeah, one of his books.
	Next time you're having a hard time with yourself, go order one of his books.
	Ladies and gentlemen, Legendary, How to Talk Dirty, any of those books.
	But he has one particular book.
	That one.
	The black one there?
	The Essential Lenny Bruce?
	That one.
	That book will tell you, will tell you more about yourself than you know about yourself.
	Wow.
	He lived at the Chelsea Hotel.
	He partied with strippers and jazz musicians and did heroin every night.
	There was no responsibility.
	He got up when he got up.
	He didn't have to be out of work till 11 o'clock at night.
	Remember, they only did fucking burlesque shows.
	In fact, you ever go to Jackson, Tennessee?
	I don't think I have.
	Jackson's like an hour outside of Nashville.
	Jackson's got a comedy club.
	That used to be a burlesque club.
	Wow.
	And Lenny Bruce used to play there in the 50s and 60s.
	If you ever had a chance to go to this place, go out there.
	Just look at it.
	Google it.
	It's like a comedy club in Jackson.
	Yeah, that's it, I think.
	731 Comedy Club.
	That could be it.
	That's it.
	Guy was great.
	You know, I had been at Zaney's already one time.
	Yeah.
	And I was going back to see my in-laws, so I wanted to do stand-up one night.
	Not a big room.
	There wasn't a lot of money.
	Fucking guy could cook.
	He had Italian food.
	He was telling us stories about all the comics that would come through there in the 50s and 60s.
	Yeah.
	And fucking Jackson, Tennessee.
	No wonder fucking my boy Johnny Cash was going to Jackson, right?
	Wasn't he going to Jackson?
	You're going to Jackson.
	Go comb your hair.
	Yeah.
	See if I care.
	We're not, you know, and that's why I went home.
	I went home.
	Listen, I could have came to Austin.
	I could have moved to Nashville.
	I had an opportunity in Telleroid, Colorado.
	I wanted to come back to Jersey to find myself.
	Do you think that you've gathered what you wanted to find?
	Yeah.
	Yeah?
	Yeah.
	Because now I'm at peace.
	I'm at peace with myself.
	I'm at peace with my friends, with my family.
	You know, I'm just at peace.
	Did you have any amends to make whenever you got there?
	Or no, everything was pretty chill?
	Listen, I thought about making amends, but the people that was on making amends still weren't worth making any amends to.
	You know, that was 40 fucking years ago.
	Knock it off and deal with it.
	My amends was doing something with my life.
	Right.
	That was my amends.
	If you really cared about me or care about anybody, you look at them and go, that dude fucked me over 30 years ago.
	Well, guess what?
	He did something with his life.
	You have two options.
	The guy fucked me over, but he died in the car accident.
	Fuck him.
	He deserved what he got.
	He was a scumbag.
	Or, you know what, man, the guy robbed me.
	He was having problems as a kid.
	I'm happy he got his life together.
	Yeah.
	And that's what it was like.
	I'm not going to fucking apologize to nobody now.
	It was a long fucking time ago.
	Get over there.
	Yeah, I didn't know if anything wild had happened.
	No, no.
	I don't have anything like that either.
	I don't think from my hometown.
	No, I just wanted to go home and recoup.
	L.A. You know, when you've been there for a long time, it's a number on your head for a while.
	Like, just, you know, dog, there was a lot of rejection.
	Oh, yeah.
	A lot of this town.
	A lot of people.
	Parking, walking, getting in, checking at the station, walking there, don't even know my lines.
	Don't even give a fuck.
	Hate the place.
	Hate myself.
	Fuck them.
	Fuck me.
	Walk in there, nervous as fuck.
	Bomb the shit.
	Walk outside.
	Scream the N-word in my head.
	Go back out through the parking thing.
	Return my badge.
	Get my ID back.
	Get in my car.
	And fucking go home.
	It is, you know, people have no idea what we did.
	We got to LA, figured it out.
	That's true.
	Figured it out.
	Which, listen, that's alone.
	That alone.
	The parking meters alone.
	Quarter gets you six minutes, dude.
	Dog, I had so many tickets when I first moved to L.A. They took a car.
	I mean, my apartment got towed.
	Remember, I lived in my car.
	Ralphie May and those guys go, oh, your apartment got towed.
	It was that scrambling.
	I would do it 20 more times.
	Yeah.
	That not having money to eat lunch and having to rob the gas station for a pack of cigarettes on the way to Josh Wolf's house to get a turkey burger.
	You know, to fucking borrow eight bucks to go to Sunset Grill and get a burger with the guy with the bum leg.
	You know, nobody knows that, what it's like to showcase with Jay Massad and him telling you like, why are you here?
	Yeah.
	You know, and thank God, Jay, you know, Mitzi passed me right off the bat.
	Thank God.
	But then it was seven years of, I can't get an agent.
	And you can't do this and you can't do that.
	And most people would have quit here.
	We did something that a lot of people just can't handle.
	They move back and they go, you know what?
	It wasn't for me.
	And I, listen, I understand that.
	I understand that.
	I fucking definitely understand that.
	But for me, I think it was time to move on to the next chapter.
	I'm trying to find what that chapter is now.
	You wrote a book?
	Wrote a book?
	That was cool, man.
	I feel bad that I haven't even read it, but I did just order it today.
	I didn't even know that you had written it, I don't think.
	Actually, you know what?
	I think when I did your podcast last time over Zoom, I think you remember telling me that you had done it.
	But that's awesome.
	Tremendous.
	I was trying to write that book for fucking 20 years.
	I know a lot of comics always have that book milling around in them.
	And then I kept writing and making notes, and then I kept trying to hook up with a writer.
	Tremendous.
	And then I hooked up with Jimmy Florentine's niece.
	Really?
	Yeah, his young niece, and she fucking helped me.
	And listen, man, we sold some copies.
	We made it to number nine on the audiobook in New York Times, which for a dirty comic and a criminal, it's not too fucking bad why.
	Rocky got that cock on the bottom.
	Rocky got a cock on a motherfucker, dude.
	Before, you were saying something really funny, and I interrupted you.
	I had to go to the bathroom, but you were telling me that you used to call people and tell them celebrities died.
	Oh, yeah, yeah, dude.
	And so we go like on Boy Scouts or whatever.
	My buddy was in the Boy Scouts.
	And so I remember one time we went on a camping trip with them.
	And right when we started out, I told everybody Jay Leno had died, right?
	I've told this story before, but I love it.
	And I was like, you know, Jay Leno died.
	And so all the dads were like, oh, gosh, that's so sorry to hear that.
	And so then throughout the rest of the weekend, I'd be in my tent, right?
	And I'd hear the dads out there talking, one of them telling the other one, you know, Jay Leno passed away.
	And I would be in my tent, bro.
	Fucking God.
	Howling, bro.
	Laughing at a level where it was like coming out of my fucking spine.
	And I don't know why stuff like that made me laugh so much.
	I don't know if it was that I had control, like a hidden control, or that I was affecting things without them knowing.
	It just, there was nothing as good as that, bro.
	It was that kind of shit, dude.
	When you fuck with people, like, you know, control fucking with people, like me telling Eddie Bravo Rogan was in the CIA, all that shit, it's always great.
	But the best thing I ever think I did, and I did it on accident, remember Chuck Lidell?
	Yeah.
	When Chuck Lodell was the fucking king of the UFC, he was the king of the UFC, okay?
	So I get a call from Eddie Bravo one.
	No.
	I find out that Fidel Castro died.
	I get a call from a friend of mine.
	He goes, you know, Fidel died.
	I go, Thank God that motherfucker died.
	And all of a sudden, I call Eddie.
	I go, Eddie, where you at?
	And he goes, I'm sitting here with Dana White or something.
	I go, you know, Fidel died.
	But the phone didn't say it right.
	It said Liddell.
	So he goes, Let me call you back.
	And he hung off the phone.
	He told Eddie Pro.
	He told Dana White that Joey Dia just called him, told him Chuck Liddell died.
	I said, Fidel, not Liddell, right?
	Now, this is Dana White's fucking man at the time.
	Dana White's got no hair, and he lost even, he lost the hair he was going to give his children.
	Fucking, how could this be?
	And he Bravo calls Dan says, Liddell died.
	Not Liddell.
	Fidel, you fuck.
	That's fucking great.
	I love that kind of shit.
	Did your parents come over from Cuba?
	I don't remember.
	Both of them?
	Wow.
	I'm 100%.
	There ain't no fucking.
	We went there when I was a student.
	Yeah, you told me.
	Yeah, I remember.
	Yeah.
	We went there, and Fidel came and spoke to our class, I remember.
	But we didn't speak enough Spanish to know a ton of, they had a translator.
	When did you go to college at LSU?
	Yeah, over at LSU and University of Arizona.
	But it was a thing called Semester at C. It was like a floating college, but we stopped there on the cruise ship.
	Wow.
	I was working in a bookstore, so we pull up in the Cuba, dude, and all the people are there having, you know, and we're like throwing all our tennis shoes, everything we own that they could have.
	We'd throwing it off the boat, bro.
	And like you would be walking through town and people would like have you come up to their windows and they would tell you like just about like the control they were under and shit.
	And it was like top secret kind of.
	Well, we got to go to a baseball game.
	Dude, some group was partying this alley somewhere.
	I went over there.
	I'm dancing party and they cut up with a birthday cake, right?
	We thought it was like a fucking party for like an old man.
	Next thing I know, I turn around.
	This old dude is going down on one of the chicks, bro.
	It's some guys and some hookers in there.
	I'm like, what the fuck?
	Don't fuck around.
	I thought it was like somebody's grandpa's birthday, bro.
	I'm over there singing the Pledge of Allegiance.
	Look over, dude.
	This guy's fucking trying to get back in the birth canal movie.
	Dog, Cuba's a dirty fucking country.
	Awesome, dude.
	You got tons of hookers down there.
	Oh, it was apparently so.
	Tons of hookers down there.
	God, I got to get it.
	I mean, those girls come up here and they destroy it.
	They're all over Jersey, those Cuban hookers.
	Really?
	Wow, I got to get out more.
	There's a strip club in Jersey that my friend, I grew up with this guy, he owns.
	And they keep closing them down because they're just nasty.
	You know, they're fucking 60 deep in there.
	I went in there like three times and I'm like, this is buckwild.
	There was a biker chick that would slam her heels together.
	And every time her heels would come, I got to get out of here.
	Oh, every year.
	But they had a bunch of Cuban girls in there.
	And I would go in there once a week just to talk to the one Cuban girl.
	And she would tell me about Cuba, what's going on.
	And she would tell me right off, why do you just sit there?
	Why don't you go get your dick sucked?
	That's their mentality.
	They're like, there's a thousand girls that'll suck your dick.
	What are you there talking, watching the game for?
	I'm like, I'm married.
	Who cares?
	Go have a good time.
	Your wife ain't going to mind.
	I mean, they're fucking open-minded as shit.
	I'm like, that's when I might get a real Spanish, like a Spanish wife or something.
	It'd be nice, huh?
	Yeah.
	They'll balance you out a little bit.
	Yes.
	They'll smack you around, take your money.
	Fuck it.
	This is my wife.
	How'd you know you were in love when you met your wife, dude?
	Did you know it?
	No.
	Did it grow on you?
	You think it's hard for guys like us to be in love, kind of?
	Yes, because our first love is comedy.
	That's when you're in L.A., not when you're in your hometown.
	Once you get to L.A. and you're caught up, that's your love.
	When you really, really think about it, at the end of the day, that's your love.
	I was with my wife maybe three years before.
	You know, it was like, but thank God she had patience.
	Thank God I had patience.
	And it wasn't till my wife and I got together.
	We're going to be together 24 years next month.
	And it wasn't till I got the longest yard that I read.
	It was 2004.
	We were struggling.
	Every week was a struggle with her and I were living together.
	The relationship was good, but we were always struggling.
	We had no money.
	We had six cats.
	Oh, yeah.
	And I got the longest yard, and I went to shoot it.
	And when I came back home, I had a shoot, you know, for 11 weeks.
	My call time was at 4.45 every morning in Orange County.
	4.45.
	So I don't know how many times I got up at 3 in the morning and my fucking costume would be out.
	She'd be cooking eggs at 3 in the morning for me.
	And I'd go, what did I do to deserve this?
	And that's when I realized I really love her.
	You know, I wasn't going to get married again.
	Once you get married and you lose, I'm a Catholic.
	You do it one time.
	Yeah.
	You move on.
	I wasn't looking to get married.
	I wasn't looking to waste anybody's time.
	I'm not a big time waster.
	If it's not working, let's move the fuck on.
	But with her, it was different.
	And now it's tremendous.
	Like, I mean, it's now after 24, I look at her and I'm like, if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here.
	Wow.
	Did moving to Jersey help you guys' relationship, you think?
	One thing about me and my wife, I got to be honest with you, we got into a fight in December in Nashville.
	Yeah, good.
	Beside that, me and my wife never really...
	Her family, me, the whole thing.
	And I just went home.
	I was in Nashville for Christmas.
	I just went home Christmas Day.
	And she got mad at me for like two weeks.
	We had a little problem at the house for two weeks.
	But ever since then, it's been, and before then it was smooth, you know.
	And we're fucking a great team.
	And now we got this little girl.
	And, you know, we bought this house.
	We paid it off.
	We did so many fucking things in three years, you know.
	She's an accountant.
	So I got pensions.
	I got a pension for the pension, another pension.
	Hopefully she's laundering money for me, too.
	Yeah, she's laundering too.
	You know, I mean, she's, it's great for me.
	I never thought I would say something like this.
	Yeah, that's what's happening.
	I've never in my life tell you.
	For me, it was the best thing that happened at that time.
	Was there a fear to do it?
	Like, was there a fear to be like, okay, this is.
	Fuck you.
	Theo, look at our lives.
	We go on the road, we bump into a girl, you do things with them for three days, then you come back a year later, and there they are.
	And then one time you come back, and they obviously have a boyfriend.
	Yeah.
	And they bring them to the show, and that's when the relationship ends.
	And I was in Boulder before I went to LA.
	And I had, honest to God, no lie, I probably had six girls on a rotation that would just come over to snorkel coke and have sex.
	Yeah, that's a beautiful.
	That's a, I mean, yeah, everybody's okay.
	But it's like, you get used to it.
	Right.
	And yeah, and then it runs its course.
	And then time changes.
	And you come back and you're still living five years ago.
	And now they got chilled.
	They got a fan.
	So everything changes.
	So I was never going to get remarried.
	I got the movie.
	It took me two more years of struggling on Coke.
	I mean, a horrid two years.
	Heroin.
	And then, and that was what was killing me, that I was hurting her.
	And one day I go, you know what?
	I got to stop this shit because, listen, I'm old school.
	I found my mother dead.
	And I'm here.
	You know, I could find somebody dead, but I never wanted her to find me dead, right?
	Because she couldn't handle it.
	That would live with her for the rest of her life.
	So that's what made me get clean off Coke.
	I didn't want her.
	There were two reasons I got off Coke.
	One, I didn't want her to find me.
	And number two, if something happened to me, I didn't want people telling Rogan he was wrong.
	That meant a lot to me that he had my back.
	So now he's got my back 100% because so I got clean.
	And then two years later, I proposed to her on the phone.
	I just thought, it's time.
	It's time.
	No more shit.
	I was going for a ride and I go, you know what?
	I got to marry this girl.
	And then two years later, she got pregnant.
	So it was all like.
	That's interesting, man, saying like, I don't want to hurt you, so I'm going to stop hurting me, you know?
	Yeah.
	I don't want to hurt this person.
	She could never handle waking up and finding me on the floor.
	Yeah.
	She doesn't have it.
	It's not her DNA.
	She's very sweet.
	We're animals.
	We could find anybody dead and the next day fucking go eat a pizza.
	But she's from a different cloth.
	Hey, Rocky got that cock on him.
	What's that?
	Rocky got that medium pefferoni on him.
	That's true, dude.
	Sometimes I'll be sitting with somebody.
	I'll be like, if this person died, what would I do with him right now?
	I literally would think that kind of shit.
	And it's fucking crazy, man.
	Yeah, it's just, and I'm just sitting in the backseat of an Uber, and you're like, what the fuck would I do with this guy, you know?
	Do you have to ever have tough moments like when you think back on your own mom and like, and just that whole situation?
	Like, do you ever, like, on Mother's Day, do you do anything special?
	Do you just say like a special prayer?
	Like.
	It's like these idiots celebrate 420 one day a year.
	I do 420 every day.
	There's not a day I don't think about my mom.
	In fact, I didn't even bring flowers to a cemetery this time.
	I went to a cemetery when I moved back to Jersey.
	It looked like a fucking rat's nest.
	Yeah.
	I went, I complained.
	I brought some tools up there.
	I did some cleaning.
	And it's like scared me now.
	And it's like now I don't even want to be buried.
	I don't want for people to have to come visit me and clean up my grave.
	Burn the shit out of me.
	I don't give a fuck.
	Well done.
	The last ball.
	Well done.
	I'm not fucking, don't come visit me.
	She lives in your heart, D.L. They live in your heart and in your mind and funny fucking stories and, you know.
	Yeah, do you remember like a funny story that you, like a, do you have like a real fun memory that you remember with your mom?
	Oh, I got 30,000 of those things where it just, I still remember a night where I was probably like in the eighth grade.
	Maybe in the seventh grade, the second time, because I got left back in the second grade.
	Real G's do it twice, son.
	My mother used to fucking own a bar.
	And every night at three, she'd come home, 3.15.
	And some nights she woke me up with food.
	Some nights she just woke me up to talk to me, to see how my day went.
	This one particular night, she woke up and she's like, get dressed.
	There's a girl downstairs that wants to meet you.
	That was my mother.
	She's like, go downstairs.
	And I went down like with warm-ups or something.
	And there were like three of my uncles and there was other women and fucking my stepdad and this girl was dancing with me.
	And I'm like, hold on.
	I got to go up and put on my suit.
	At four in the morning, I went upstairs and put on a suit.
	And they're all like, go, Joey.
	And I'm dancing with Coquito.
	They would call me Coquito.
	And I'm dancing with this girl.
	I'm rubbing her tits and shit.
	And finally, somebody gives me like a shot of whiskey.
	And, you know, I'm like in the seventh grade.
	And all of a sudden, they're like, take her upstairs.
	And I'm like, and my mom was there.
	I didn't even make eye contact with my mom.
	I just held her hand.
	And she took me upstairs to the attic, not even to my bedroom.
	We had an attic where she was going to spend the night.
	And Theo, do you know till this day, I cannot tell you if I fucked her, ate her, kissed her.
	I think I just passed out from the fucking anxiety.
	Oh, yeah.
	And that's the type of mom I had.
	Like, she brought a girl home for me.
	She took me to fight somebody once.
	She would pick fights for me.
	She was my Dana White.
	When I went to Catholic school and I'd come home, she's like, you got to go home and change.
	You got to fight at 3.30 in front of my boss.
	Some guy cursed at me and I told him, come back here Friday at 3.30.
	You're going to fight my son.
	And I have to go up there and fight two fucking kids.
	You know, it never ended, man, with this lady.
	But those years, this is what I'm trying to do with my daughter now because I remembered what, how my mom got to me.
	And it was just real.
	Like, I finally had to tell my daughter a couple months ago that I smoked pot, 11 years old.
	And she's looked at me like, dad, come on.
	I know.
	Smoke coming out of your mouth and you come out of the bathroom.
	What do you think?
	I'm stupid.
	She's like, everybody knows that.
	She's like, we have smoke coming out of our house and we don't have a chimney, dad.
	I fucking go in the garage with her sometimes.
	She's like, dad, it smells in here.
	She'll go, and I go, somebody keeps breaking in my house and smoking dope.
	And she's like, dad.
	So I'm really being honest with her little steps at a time.
	Like, I got to break it to her.
	She's got a sister.
	Soon, eventually, someday I got to tell her the story.
	Yeah.
	I don't want to tell her now because I don't want her to think, well, what if me and mommy break up?
	You'll never see us again.
	So I got to be careful.
	I thought when I put the book out, I would have to sit it down, but it's been two years and she's not gonna read it until I tolerate it.
	Yeah.
	So, things like that, you know, but I miss my mom.
	I miss my childhood.
	If it wasn't for my childhood, I would have never became the person I would have became.
	Yeah.
	Plain and simple.
	Whether it's a criminal thing, everything I did in my childhood came to help me out later on, you know, like in some way or another.
	So, I have no fucking regrets at all, you know?
	Yeah.
	Dang, man.
	Thanks, dude.
	Thanks for just sitting down.
	It's just so good to just hear your voice even.
	I remember how much, like, when you would go on your lives, dude.
	Remember when Mad Flavor was going fucking live, dude?
	The world lit up.
	You remember that, Nick?
	The world, people were like, yo, Coco's going live, dude.
	I would get texts from my friends back at home.
	They'd be like, Coco's going live.
	And I thought it was like a black stripper was going to do something.
	I didn't know what was.
	Oh, the Periscope?
	Yeah, when you would do Periscopes.
	I love them.
	I love them.
	And then cats, you'd be on your balcony.
	Yeah, you can't smoke on Instagram.
	They'll fucking shut you down.
	So I can't do that stuff no more.
	It's been fucking, I love smoking on Instagram and stuff like that, but you can't.
	I haven't made a video on Instagram in three weeks.
	It's ridiculous, though.
	You can link.
	Yeah, there you go.
	Fucking seven in the morning.
	Seven in the morning.
	I would get up just to take a shower to go out there, smoke, and talk to these fucking animals.
	Oh, dude, there was nothing like it, bro.
	People, dude, I remember a deaf kid even fucking called me and talked to me and said he was excited about that shit.
	Dude, people fucking came out of their own diseases and malfunctions.
	You understand we were getting up at seven in the morning to do that shit.
	At eight o'clock, I was already three sheets to the fucking wind.
	There was a weed store that opened up at nine that gave out bagels in Studio City.
	He was a Jewish guy.
	I would be there at nine in the morning with him eating bagels, eating fucking banana bread.
	You know, it had to give in eventually.
	Now, listen, I got some edibles.
	I didn't take them last night, and that's why I was uptight last night on stage.
	I got to drop them tonight.
	I don't give a fuck.
	Yeah.
	I'm going to drop like 800, 1,000 milligrams tonight and go down there and torture Joe, get some fucking barbecue.
	Yeah, it'd be good.
	I'll be down there, man.
	Any chance of you moving, Austin?
	Is that just a myth?
	You know, Joe throws it around, you know?
	Well, I'll tell you what.
	For my situation now, it makes sense.
	I miss you guys.
	I really do miss this.
	Yeah, I miss it too.
	I'm realizing that.
	I don't want a week down here.
	I don't want to be down here for a week.
	That's too much.
	Three, four days, eight, nine sets, get back on the plane and go home.
	If I buy, I'll buy a condo or something in the building.
	Like I told you, something that everything is there.
	Like my niece in Nashville, everything.
	She's got everything for $2,200 a month.
	Everything.
	Weights, music, they cook in the building.
	If I could find one of those down here, maybe get Troy Conrad in with me, maybe Lee, just somebody, you know, if I'm not in town, they're in town.
	Right.
	Watching the joint.
	You know, if they're not watching it, somebody else could come in.
	I don't care.
	That's what I'm thinking of doing.
	I can't buy a house down here.
	I don't want to do that because I don't want to resettle.
	I don't want to remove my daughter.
	She's settlable there now.
	You know, for me to remove her again, fuck that.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, I might, maybe, I might, I do like going and doing the sets, man.
	I did 24 sets last week.
	Here.
	Yeah, just at the mothership?
	At the different clubs, 22 sets.
	Where'd you go?
	I went to Red Bands?
	Mothership.
	I went to Red Band Sunset.
	I went to Creek in the Cave.
	I went to Black Rabbit.
	And I think that's it.
	But amongst those clubs, I did like, I mean, I probably did 12 sets at Mothership.
	Wow.
	Yeah, I did three last night.
	I left.
	I went to get tacos, and I'm like, dog, I'm tired.
	Yeah.
	I went to get tacos after the second main room show.
	And I wanted to do the bottom of the barrel again to get some other jokes.
	But I was like, dog, I got to go home.
	Yeah, I went home, dude.
	Ended up jerking off.
	Didn't want to, but I went home, smoked some pot, watched some TV.
	I slept good.
	Got up too early this morning.
	Oh, I hate that shit.
	Ate breakfast, went for a nice walk, smoked a joint, went right back upstairs, watched the rest of some Quinn Eastwood movie, and I fucking slept from 10 to 2. Oh, that's beautiful.
	I got up, I washed my pussy, I hit you back.
	Yeah.
	I took a long shower where I shaved with one of those Puerto Rican Bic raisers.
	I didn't bring my, I got skin missing.
	I shaved my fucking ear.
	I cut my ear.
	You know, when you get out of the shower, you feel all these little things.
	I could see myself as I was shaving in the shower, putting all those little cotton balls all over your face like that you had all this fucking.
	You fucking prison freckles.
	Oh.
	Well, it's good to see you, brother.
	I'm happy to have me on here.
	I'm very proud of you and what you've done.
	You're a fucking animal.
	I love that you have a smile on your face all the time.
	And I will take you up on June 1st.
	We're going to.
	So you're at Beacon that Friday night?
	Yeah, I'm at Beacon that Friday night.
	Just one show.
	Just one.
	Two shows.
	Just one.
	Just one.
	And then you're free.
	Yeah.
	You're staying in the city.
	I could stay anywhere.
	Saturday will do the Saturday.
	Let's go to lunch Saturday and then go to the fights.
	Perfect.
	Even if you don't go to the fights, it'd be great.
	Perfect.
	No, no, no.
	Saturday will go because you'll have more time.
	Yeah.
	So you come over.
	You'll cruise over early Saturday.
	Take the ferry.
	Yeah.
	Take the ferry right there.
	It drops you off right down your bill.
	Yeah.
	Drops you off right down the block.
	That sounds good.
	That's J.J. Braddock Park.
	Finish the story about J.J. Braddock.
	What?
	But you met him.
	Yeah, like when he was old, though, guys, you know, he was fucking.
	Was he still talking about fighting and stuff?
	Like, was he still like I think he's still in the town, I think they still own the house.
	The family still owns the house, but I never saw him box or you know, he never coached me in boxing.
	I wish he would have, but you got to see him, though.
	Yeah, I got to see him.
	And did people like think he was like a hero?
	Yeah, at that time, I didn't know his full history.
	I just was like a fucking boxer.
	Right.
	And there was somebody in our neighborhood that told us about like him.
	And then they said, if you ever go up there, he'll give you money to shovel snow.
	And I remember one time we went up there as kids, and he was outside giving like Danishes and $10 if you shoveled.
	And that was it.
	I never really saw him after that or spoke to him.
	But you hear the legend, you know, and then it is what it is.
	But my buddy, well, we don't talk no more.
	But my buddy's in charge of that park.
	Wow.
	He's a committee.
	He's like a groundskeeper.
	No, no, no, no.
	He's a big-time dude.
	He's in charge of that park.
	He's a politician.
	And they keep it nice?
	And they keep it nice.
	And he's the one that put the age.
	Wow.
	So he put that up there.
	And the whole family showed up when they put the statue up.
	It was pretty nice.
	I saw the pictures.
	It was pretty impressive, man.
	That's cool, man.
	Yeah, I think I saw Natalie Portman at my hotel yesterday.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	I don't know if that does.
	Dog, every time I'm in Austin, I see somebody.
	One day I was in Austin.
	Not this time, 420.
	I fucking walked out of my elevator.
	I walked right into Magic Johnson.
	And he goes, he looked at me like we knew each other.
	I never met Magic.
	And he's like, hey, man, what are you doing here?
	I'm like, the question is, what are you doing here?
	I go, I was in LA for 23 years.
	You never fucking showed up one time.
	Now I'm in Austin.
	I gave him a big hug.
	He's like, hey, I go, you want to come do Rogan with me?
	He's like, ah, that would have incredible.
	I told Joe and Joe's like, oh, you should have brought him.
	I bumped into him, started talking to him.
	Like, he knew me for 10 years.
	I don't know fucking magic, Josh.
	Fucking never met him in my life.
	I'm like, hey.
	Hey, we used to do Coco.
	They don't fucking know.
	Nobody knows.
	Coco Diaz, man, I love you, dude.
	I love you with all my heart, brother.
	This is the best part of this trip.
	Good to see you.
	You hit me last week.
	I said, what time tomorrow?
	I was pissed.
	Oh, yeah, because I had the wrong week.
	You had the wrong Wednesday.
	I'm like, what?
	Fuck no, you better be doing it next week.
	I love you, brother.
	Thank you very much for having me.
	I love you too, man.
	I'm order the book.
	I'm going to read it, man.
	And thank you, man.
	And yeah, I just appreciate the fact that I get to know you.
	It's been one of the gifts of this show.
	You're my favorite guy in LA.
	Me?
	Lee, how fucking happy was he to see you?
	When I told that motherfucker you were down here, he lit up.
	Oh, yeah.
	He lit up.
	He was like, just like a warm McFish when I got up.
	You doing edible with him or anything?
	Nothing.
	Nah, I just fucking smelled his breath for a couple minutes, dude.
	He has no more flies on his neck.
	Oh, he looks great.
	Yeah, he looks great.
	Oh, he looks lean.
	He was excited about things.
	A lot more energetic than I'd heard him be in the past.
	More vocal, confident.
	He needed all that.
	Yeah.
	We all needed that break to realize what?
	You just need a break sometimes to realize what just fucking happened.
	Yeah.
	And now we're ready for the next.
	I love you, brother.
	Let's go get it.
	Love you too.
	Now I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
	I must be cornerstone.
	Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this piece of mind I found I can feel it in my bones.

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