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May 28, 2024 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von
02:40:51
E506 Sal Vulcano

Sal Vulcano is a stand-up comedian, podcaster and one of the original members of the popular show “Impractical Jokers”. His first stand-up special “Terrified” premieres on YouTube this Friday 5/31. Sal Vulcano joins Theo to chat about the origins of their longtime friendship, charcuterie-induced gout, the long-running Impractical Jokers bit that got him brutally memed for a year, the time Q made a horrible mistake with his non-alcoholic beer brand, making his first ever stand-up special, the impact starting a family has had on him, and much more. Sal Vulcano: https://www.instagram.com/salvulcano/ Watch the trailer for Sal's special "Terrified": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cdEOAIJ7kaM ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com ------------------------------------------------- Sponsored By: Celsius: Go to the Celsius Amazon store to check out all of their flavors. #CELSIUSBrandPartner #CELSIUSLiveFit https://amzn.to/3HbAtPJ Shopify: Go to http://shopify.com/theo to sign up for a $1-per-month free trial. ZipRecruiter: Go to http://ziprecruiter.com/theo to amp up your hiring performance with ZipRecruiter. Manscaped: Go to http://manscaped.com and use code THEO for 20% off plus free shipping. Tommy John: Go to http://tommyjohn.com/theo to get 30% off sitewide. ------------------------------------------------- Music: “Shine” by Bishop Gunn https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3A_coTcUek ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: tpwproducer@gmail.com Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: https://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips Shorts Channel: https://bit.ly/3ClUj8z ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers Producer: Nick https://www.instagram.com/realnickdavis/ Producer: Ben https://www.instagram.com/benbeckermusic/ Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Time Text
I want to announce that we have a show in Cork, Ireland now on June 9th at Live at the Marquee, New York City, New York, May 31st, Belfast, London, Idaho Falls, Salt Lake City, and Las Vegas, Nevada there, 4th of July weekend.
We'll be there in Las Vegas, Nevada for two nights at Resorts World.
You can get all tickets at theova.com slash T-O-U-R.
And thank you for your support.
And if tickets are too expensive, make sure you're not buying them on a secondary site.
You got to do that.
That's why we suggest go through the website.
And if they're sold out or something and they're expensive on secondary sites, just hold the line.
We'll come back through some other time.
I love you guys, baby.
Thank you.
Today's guest has his first stand-up special, Terrified, premiering on YouTube on May 31st.
He is one of the most energetic and engaging and humorous humans that I've ever met.
You know him from Impractical Jokers and just from the years of joy he's brought to all of us.
Today's guest is Mr. Sal Volcano.
Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my stories Shine on me And I will find a song I've been singing to you I'll sing it Good to see you.
Good to see you, dude.
Yeah, we just waited to say hey to each other kind of until the episode started.
Oh, so this is the episode of now?
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
So, yeah, I'm just letting people know because sometimes, yeah, you start the episode and it's like, oh, man, we're already going.
And then it's like, or you just kind of will get rid of some of the good energy in the beginning, man.
Yeah, I got it.
I got the good energy.
I was looking forward to seeing you, man.
Yeah, same, dude.
100%.
Yeah, so what's different?
Oh, yeah.
So the other place, like, we still have like our producers that work there every day.
Okay.
We got Zach and Nick, and they work over there, just making sure everything's smooth, planning ahead.
Yeah.
You know, and then, yeah, it's been different being here, you know?
Yeah.
But you don't, how far are you from here?
This is not, you don't post up, you stay here?
I live here.
You live where we're at right now?
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
I thought you like arrived from somewhere else.
Oh, you've been here?
I've been here.
Oh, I thought you like arrived here.
I was like, it's a big office, man.
I was like, damn.
I fell asleep here.
Okay, okay.
All right, right.
No, this is your permanent area.
Yeah, that's my room.
Oh, right on.
Okay.
Oh, yeah.
This is my legal residence, man.
Oh, that's so cool.
All right.
So this is a great setup, dude.
Yeah, it's good.
When you went to scope the place out, this had to be like a big selling point that you could make the- So I could maybe make this work, you know?
Yeah.
I wish there was a little more space sometimes.
Up here or up here.
Yeah, so I mean, it's been, look, that's the thing.
It's like, do I need more?
Like, I looked at a house the other day that has like a, like, basically the front is kind of almost an office.
Okay.
And I was like, well, I could do that.
And then I'm like, but do I need more?
You know, I think it's about figuring out what you really need kind of.
Yeah, man.
And what you want, you know, I don't know.
And then I'm not home as much as I would like to be.
You do a lot of roadster right now, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Still touring.
And then sometimes I'll go do podcasts on the road.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I know what you mean.
I've been trying to like, I live in a condo still.
I've been trying to build a house.
Oh, wait.
Weren't you guys building a house for a while?
We talked about this last year.
Is that true?
No joke.
I haven't progressed at all.
Oh.
We're supposed to like knock down a house and build a house.
And I had to go through the process of like, I don't know anything about this stuff.
Like getting like an architect and like, you know, making the plans and then demoing the thing.
And, you know, I don't not handy.
I don't really know anything about this stuff.
And it's just been like the worst experience.
Really?
Yeah, we had stuff.
You're squatting.
Aren't you in New York?
I am, yeah.
I bought the property years ago.
I thought I'd be living there already.
Yeah.
But it's all about, so we've been making refinements.
So it's like, that's what you're doing.
It's by the river or something?
It's by the Hudson.
Yeah, like the, you know, it's by the New York there on the water.
It's pretty dope.
Like, like, I have questioned in the last three years, like, not doing it like three, three times already and just saying, fuck it, because like it's just been so tough to do.
That's me.
No worries.
No, you know what that said?
You're going to laugh at me.
It said, no smoking, no junk except fruit every day.
That's my album.
Wow.
Just to make sure.
Yeah, because you know when I smoke weed, I'm like, I eat.
It's no good.
So you'll smoke and then you will eat.
I play this game myself where it's like, all right, if I smoke tonight, I'll let myself smoke if I don't eat.
If I eat, I can't smoke.
And then when you're high, you just like, you're like, yeah, but you know, and it just happens over and over and over and over.
It's like, but it's not even like, we'll laughing, but it's like an issue.
Oh, yeah.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, and I'm just like, I was trying to lose weight, you know, because I shot the special and I was like trying to lose weight for that.
And so I did really good.
I lost like a ton of weight.
You look a lot leaner.
Thanks, man.
Yeah, yeah.
It's been over time, but like it's, it's from like my heaviest, like a year and a half ago, probably down 50. What?
I fluctuate up down 50 my whole life, though.
So like now I'm trying to like break down even like the next, get down to like next 20 or whatever.
And it's just, it's just tough because I'm so stressed.
Oh, yeah.
That's like weird is like at the end of the night, I cannot turn off, you can't, I can't turn off my brain unless I just smoke a little and otherwise I won't be able to sleep.
I won't be able to just like stop.
Everything just keeps racing.
Yeah, dude, I would love to be able to have that.
I wish I could smoke dope or even smoke crack, honestly, sometimes.
But yeah, then it's like, how do you also get some rest, I guess?
But yeah, I don't know if you're going to rest with the crack, though.
Yeah.
I don't know if you rest with the crack.
I don't know.
I never really like.
I feel I have known people that have done crack.
I haven't talked to them about it.
When I say I know them, I was probably a kid, and there was people that worked around where I live with my, and I think they did crack.
That was a rumor.
Wow.
But I don't really, I don't really know what crack does.
It's a functional, like the my pillow guy.
He did it his whole building the pillows, you know?
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, so good things can come out of it.
I think they're all crack success stories.
You know what I'm saying?
Oh, wow.
Is that what the secret is?
It's like cracking.
It's like they dust a pillow with crack before they ship it.
People are like, yo, this is the best fucking pillow I've ever had in my life.
This is my pillow.
You can't have that shit.
It's like crack bay, that guy like this, you know?
He just.
There's a guy on the assembly line just like, as they pass.
No, but like crack is like crack.
Is it crack like cocaine or is it like heroin?
Or is it like both?
Well, let's bring up a little bit of crack if you can.
Yeah.
And bring up a crack rock.
Crack, I think, crack was, it hasn't been as big as it was when we were younger.
When we were younger, it was like, you know, sleep breathe crack.
Like it was in the black population too.
I think they, and I think there's documentaries, and I haven't seen this, but I believe it was documentaries that they believe it was unleashed on the black community or whatever.
Is that right?
I don't know if it's true.
And I'm not saying that it isn't true.
I just haven't seen.
I didn't go down.
I've never gone down that.
Yeah.
But how do you make it?
Can you give me some information on it?
Yeah, what's the beautiful picture?
Not beautiful.
I mean, there's different images.
There's an assortment.
It looks like crack had a photo section.
Hold on a second.
Because those are all like how you shoot eBay items.
It's not like in the wild crack.
It's like crack in a studio.
Yeah, it looks like somebody made a charcuterie board.
I bet you there's been a drug party before it's been laid out like charcuterie.
Like in the high-end, the high-end drug parties, like in the hills and stuff.
Oh, dude, I heard.
A little burjut and like a little bit like a little camembert.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
A little Sauvignon crock.
Really appealing, too.
Like people went to the party and they never did drugs before, but then they were like, looks good, though.
Oh, yeah.
They're like, oh, there's no way that crack rock doesn't go with that fig jam.
Yeah.
Fig jam is my favorite thing on that charcuterie board.
It's not always on there, but it gives you the sweetness that you need to cut through.
Yeah, I love a good fig jam.
You know, it's undervalued.
I think it's kind of the, it's underappreciated.
Yet it's costly, which is really the dichotomy of that figure.
Undervalued, but overpriced.
Yeah.
Wow.
When was the last time you had a fig jam?
I think when you're saying it when someone is when I've been at someone's house that has, I guess, rich or whatever, and they have fancy wine corkers or whatever, like that bottle the wine.
Yeah.
And then they'll have a charcuterie board sometimes.
Yeah, but I got a charcuterie board for the Super Bowl.
You did it at Fig Jam on it?
Yeah, I had Fig Jam on it.
Really?
But it also had jalapeno poppers on it.
Well, I did have wings as well.
I had bands.
I had other things.
Normally we'll make it, but then my lady found someone who did it.
She went to a party and they had it and she was like, whoa.
And she got the number and then we ordered it and they bring it.
It was like on a four-foot board.
Oh, you know, and you know, you got to pay a little extra for it, but for the guests, you know?
It's almost a level of like how rich you're willing to be when you go down the charcuterie boards because there's also different sizes.
There's the Noah's Ark.
There's the, and you can go all the way down to like the Titanic Santa.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
There's like the Nina.
Sorry, and that's your joke, dude.
I stepped on it.
And yeah, and you can go all the way down to like Titanic door, like this small little.
Yeah, don't ever let go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You never want to let go.
But I will tell you, though, I stood there calculating how much the woman actually paid, like the actual wholesale cost.
Because I was like, there were some things on there that there are some things on there that make you go, oh, okay.
But they're like, you know, they're throughout.
But then there's also like, you know, grapes, just cheap, you know.
So I'm like looking at it and I'm like, man, I guess it's labor intensive.
I'll give her that.
Okay.
Because I felt like she probably could have got away with everything on there for like under 200 and it was probably like 450 or something like that.
Oh, wow.
A $450 charcuterie.
It was like four feet.
Well, we had like 35 people.
Oh, that's fair.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
If it feeds 35, dude, I'll fucking get one of those every, yeah.
But then like not every, we had so much food, not everyone ate it.
And then I have like so much excess charcuterie.
And then I feel guilty because I'm like, I have to eat this.
I can't piss away money like this.
Yeah.
So I'm just, I was eating charcuterie for like six, seven days past the Super Bowl.
Really?
Yeah.
Because we're just having olives and pecans and just what?
Yeah, but you know what?
11 pistachios.
Like they always have like seven or eight like things.
Yeah, there's unidentified things all the time.
I got to like Google photo it.
I don't even know.
I'm like, what is this?
It looks like, I don't even know if it's cheese, it's a cream.
You know, there's nuts I never seen on there before.
Oh, it gets twigs.
Very vague towards the end.
Like there's like sometimes there'll be like a hoof meat.
There will be like something called a neighborhood sausage.
You're like, yeah, they give you like a legend, like a key.
You're like, oh, oh, you got to try.
That's a neighborhood sausage.
But it's so much more depressing eating it the week after because it's bagged in like sandwich bags in the fridge.
And so now I'm just pulling out different bags of unidentified meats and like tasting it.
And like the sodium levels that week were probably through the roof, really.
I retained a lot of water that week.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, that's another big issue, I think, is one of the side effects of sarcoterie boards is gout, probably, and severe salt retention.
My buddy's daddy, if he had too much salt, he couldn't talk.
And so.
I miss you, man.
Oh, yeah.
So he'd get his fucking dad, like, his dad would be drunk and he'd get a bunch of fucking, like, he'd keep giving him potato chips and shit.
If he knew he was going to like steal the car that night, the day before, he'd be like, give his dad just like a Costco bag of ruffles.
Yeah, the dad's work.
He wouldn't chew him out when he got home.
He would just look at him like furrowed.
When my jaw won't lock.
You ever have gout?
No, I never had.
My stepdad had it.
I think it's basically salt builds up like in the bins of your body, huh?
I self-diagnosed gout.
Oh, you just said you had it?
Yeah, I just said I was trying to will it.
Thank you for admitting it.
A lot of people will have fucking, like I had like a stepdad probably couldn't even move his arm breath.
He's like, I don't have anything wrong.
And meanwhile, it's like Randy in a Christmas story in the snowsuit.
Yeah, yeah, you look like that.
No, I was getting these sharp pains.
Is that gout stuff?
Right there.
Right there.
Oh, wow.
I never even Googled gout.
And that's where I had it.
Gout happens when you're rate, you are 18. Gout happens.
Gout happens, yeah.
I didn't mean to cut you off now.
No.
And that is definitely a market that as we age, we can get into, I think.
Gout happens.
Gout happens, right?
Oh, my stepdad would wear that every day.
He'd wear the helmet.
He's got it so bad, dude.
He's a fucking...
That dude has so much salt in it.
That dude's fucking probably got iodine in it.
That's not good.
You ever talk to him about it?
We mentioned it.
You should cut his sodium down.
We mentioned it.
Anything you could do for him?
He's born free.
He wears a shirt that says born-free all the time.
So that's not the kind of guy you can approach about their self-I think born-free essentially means gout having.
Yeah, those are, that's an interchangeable shirt.
No, but I had this shooting pain.
Like it would just put out of nowhere.
Out of nowhere.
But I mean, like, your foot locks up and you can't, like, you would have to, like, like, you have to, like, tiptoe and put your weight on the other foot out of nowhere, right?
And it would happen, like, could happen for two minutes, could happen for like five minutes, ten minutes, and then it would just magically, like a Charlie or something, would just go away.
Oh.
And I didn't really know what it was.
I thought I kind of, I thought I broke my toe or I had some, something wrong with the actual like infrastructure in there.
And it would reoccur and go away and reoccur.
And I was like, I got to talk to my doctor.
So I went and I got x-rays.
And they were like, it's fine.
There's nothing wrong with it.
You're full of shit.
And I realized, God, because it's not just salt.
I heard like, well, it is meats and stuff.
So I guess that is salt.
Yep.
Salt shrimp I know have it.
Shit, that's the seafood.
Seafood is high in sodium.
I didn't really, really know that.
And I eat seafood thinking like, oh, it's lean.
It's good.
It's protein, you know?
Yeah, it's the lean cuisine of the ocean kind of.
It is.
It is, right?
Yeah.
And then I realized I guess you can have it.
You can have flare-ups and it goes away.
Because I haven't now had, not going, what, this is going to be that, this is going to suck because I know I'm going to bring it back now by saying it, but I haven't really had it in like a year or a year and a half.
But there was times where I would get it like every few days and it would strike anywhere at the most inopportune times.
Yeah.
It's nice.
Thank you, though.
You know, prayers, you know, anything you could do for me.
I love how like you really, you actually really just got empathy from my.
Oh, well, I watched my stepdad.
He would have so much like flare up or whatever.
He couldn't even, my stepmom would go put a blanket on him.
He couldn't even, like, even an Afghan or whatever couldn't touch his skin.
It would fucking hurt him too much.
Let's get this information, though.
Gout happens when urate, a substance in your body, builds up and forms needle-shaped crystals in your joints.
I don't even know what that is.
God.
Yeah, I guess I have needle-shaped crystals.
This leads to pain, swelling, redness, and changes in the movement and use of the affected joint.
However, not everyone with high urate levels develop gout.
And does gout just go away?
Maybe look that up, how it comes and goes away.
Yeah.
The pain is like, you can't use the foot.
You literally, like, it's almost like you need a crutch, but you don't have one because you never know.
You need a short friend.
Yeah, you need a, yeah, you need anything, really, any kind of support at all.
Gout can go away or return again and again.
Oh, my gosh.
This is like one of those Robert Pattinson movies.
Some people will go months or even years without having another gout attack, or very rarely, they may never have another one.
It's like the mafia.
Like, you never know when it's lurking over your shoulder.
Like, it threatens you once, and then you just be like, you got to fall online.
I have psoriasis, which is the same exact thing.
I got a lot of like autoimmune things that threaten me, then they go away, but there's always a threat of them again.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's part.
One thing I just, I guess, about growing up is that that stuff starts to happen.
Your special is.
Yeah, it's called Terrified.
I shot at the Vic in Chicago back in December.
This is my first actual one on anything I recorded.
I have some television sets and this is not happening and this and that.
But most of my stuff, I just never put it out there.
So I finally had the time, the runway to do it.
So it's a big deal for me because a lot of people aren't educated that I am a stand-up.
My fans are, but I want to reach like, you know, so it's like, this is a kind of like my, you know, hopefully it'll reach a lot of people.
Yeah.
Well, I remember I wanted what you and I got on a show together at a bookstore in New York.
I remember, I think when you were first starting to do comedy.
Yeah, like it's, well, now it's been about proper standard, probably been about eight, eight years or so now.
Yeah, I actually just, it was so funny because I was like, I was talking to my lady that was coming here and we started talking about you.
And I actually, I went and looked at, because we, we, it was like in eight, nine years ago, you, you visited, uh, we went, we went out together for Halloween, me, you and her.
And I found a photo of us.
You did?
Yeah, yeah, I found the photo of this.
I was like, I went, it was that far back, but I had to go in like my, this is, this is, you, this, you, you dressed as a newsie, and I was like, a run DMC, dude.
Yeah.
That was a fun night.
Dude, that was a fun night.
I remember we just went to a couple of good bars.
Yeah, we were hopping around.
That was, dude, that was nine years ago.
I can't believe that.
I know, and then I found this one, which I was like, I guess I forgot we did this, but we did a show together, me, you and Adam Ray at the House of Blues in San Diego.
Do you even remember that, dude?
I remember, I showed up there with luggage for some reason.
I remember, I definitely remember that.
And because I, yeah, I just remember, because sometimes you don't have luggage with you.
Yeah.
Most of your life, you don't have luggage, right?
No, not most of the days.
Yeah, so most, so, so when I have luggage, sometimes I remember it, especially if you're with luggage at a place that you shouldn't have luggage.
It always feels so weird.
Oh, if you go to lunch or somewhere and you have to go to the airport after, you fucking walk into like a, you know, I'm trying to think of a good place that's, well, that place is closed down, but even like a macaroni grill, like a semi-nice place where your seat.
You know, it's by your seat.
And then people are like walking by and you're like, yeah.
I know.
Pulling your luggage in, especially in New York, I'm sure if you go to a cafe, because a luggage will take up probably 7% of a cafe.
Yeah.
I would say so.
Yeah, absolutely.
And then forget about it if you have a large.
If I have your large, you probably just got to eat in the park.
You probably can't get it through the doorway.
Well, you do.
I mean, at that point, that's how homelessness starts.
I think it's somebody is meeting somebody.
They're on their last leg.
They're headed out of town.
And they're meeting somebody for lunch.
Somebody's like, look, I'll buy you a meal.
And you realize your luggage is too big to get into the cafe.
And they're like, you got to eat in the park.
I just got new luggage, so I'm like feeling good about it.
Ooh.
Yeah.
My old one, I was still using the cloth one, like not a hard case.
I like the cloth one because it used to like zipper.
Like the flat was thin and the whole depth was one side.
And I was, I was hesitant to get.
Yeah, you were using that style.
I was doing that with just the two wheels that you had to lug like on, like it was, like a hand truck.
I respect the two wheels.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
And I, you know, and I ended up getting that one because my shit busted while I was at the airport.
And then I had to run down and get luggage at the airport.
And I bought it and I was like, all right.
And then I was like, oh man, it was, it was like can, you know, it wasn't like hard case two.
So it got, you know, wet and dry and wet and dry.
But I liked that it was deep, you know?
Yeah.
Oh, I guess that's true.
You have one side as deep.
You're not deciding what's going on.
It wasn't like a split.
And I resisted the hard case split for so long.
And then finally, this luggage, I couldn't get the handle up anymore.
I still had it for like three months with no handle.
Couldn't get the handle up.
I was like just reaching low and just pulling.
I just, I don't know.
I just like don't have time.
And I was like, you know what it is?
I want to be a smart consumer.
Yeah.
And I didn't have the time to do the research on the new luggage.
And so I just was like, I'm going to do it.
And then one day I just was like, I can't do this anymore.
Yeah.
And I committed and I got the new hard, hard top.
It's like a guy like trying to get out of a marriage.
I'm going to stay with this baby just a few, just so I know that I really like it.
I found somebody else.
And now I do the split hardtop.
And you know what?
I was afraid for nothing.
Really?
It's got four wheels.
It glides effortlessly.
It's impermeable to liquids.
Oh, yeah.
And it's not really that bad because I was like, oh, what if I need something that is like tall in a split?
I'm not going to be able to do it because one side zips.
So it's not like you can combine both sides, really.
But luckily, I haven't run into that problem.
Happy to say that.
Happy to announce it here.
Damn.
Thanks, man.
That's unbelievable.
So you are your hard case luggage guy now?
Yeah, I'm hardcase luggage guy.
Wow.
The best part of it, though, is the effortless gliding.
Yeah.
I used to like be like, oh, it was like the trail of tears when I was like, you know, with the old one.
Yeah.
Not to diminish the stress.
People would yell that at you.
You're like, hold on, guy.
This guy, yeah, this guy is just, he likes what he likes.
You know, he knows that style of luggage.
Wow, that was almost archaic, I feel like, though, to see somebody who would still just have the one thin layer side that you couldn't put anything in, maybe some pockets, but that was it.
Yeah, it was like for, you know, tissues.
The first thin flap was you couldn't do anything with it, really.
But have you seen someone walk with like us?
You remember when we were little?
It was just a suitcase with a handle.
And if you were lucky, there was these little ball wheels on the bottom of like a traditional suitcase.
And then they had like this little, like, almost like a little handle that you could pull it with.
But it had no control.
It was little ball wheels.
It had no also, like, it wasn't weighted correctly.
You remember they were like just big.
So back in the day, people had to like literally carry their luggage in both hands and like walk with it.
Yeah.
When I was little, that's luggage my mug.
Well, that's all, and they call it luggage.
I mean, they call it, I guess that was the original, like they were lugging it around.
That's got to be it, right?
That's why they call it that.
It would have to be, I think.
My mother still carries a bag like that from like her childhood, basically.
She jacked.
She could beat, yeah, she could probably hit you pretty quickly without you being really prepared for it unless you grew up with her.
You came to, you had timing.
Your mom was like Mike Tyson in Mike Tyson's punch out.
Like you can get all the way up to him and then you would just screw up.
Oh, you make one mistake with him.
You're done.
Yeah.
It's one hit and you're done.
Oh, yeah.
Remember that?
Yeah.
007 373 5963.
That's the code.
It was?
Yeah.
I have a tattooed in my brain.
I made a t-shirt of it.
My own t-shirt.
Get out, dude.
Your mom was like Tyson.
Did you ever beat him?
Mike Tyson's on Nintendo?
Yeah, we beat him.
Yeah.
Somebody, yeah, I remember like, yeah, we had one neighbor that was like real liberal and was like, don't beat him because he's black, you know?
And it was like, it's not about that.
It's like even a video game.
They missed the point in this game.
They didn't want to shoot the ducks and duck hunts.
Yeah, they didn't want to rock the boat.
You know, I'm like, look, we paid $44 for this game on my seventh birthday so we could rock the fucking boat.
Dude, you know, this is one place I can take a swing at a tough brother in the safety of my own home.
But yeah, when he would come out, what sucks is if you got all the way up to him.
I guess they gave you the code once you got up to him, but I used to try and play it straight through.
You know, I got to that point where I could play it straight through.
It was one of my games.
What do you mean, play it straight through?
Like I would start at Glass Joe and go until I beat Tyson just without like in one session.
Oh, in one sitting, really?
Yeah, one sitting.
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, it didn't take that long, a couple of hours.
I had all the time of the world when I was 12. Remember how much time you had?
Yeah.
Remember how much time you had, dude?
People like, what are you doing today?
You'd be like, what are you even talking about?
I don't even know what I'm going to do today.
I have no idea what's going to happen today.
Yeah.
Summer vacation from school felt like years.
Yeah.
Kids can't imagine.
Imagine this is, or anybody, imagine now you're out of school, you go home, there's a TV, that's it really.
And it's playing like Little House on the Prairie and then straight into Wheel of Fortune.
That's exactly right.
Or straight into Price is Right.
Well, Little House, Price's Right was 11 a.m.
And then Little House was where I was.
It was actually a, was Little House prime time, though?
I think it was, or am I thinking of Highway to Heaven?
Highway to Heaven.
Okay.
Okay.
Yeah.
And we're huge fans here of both of those.
Yeah, Michael Landon's stand all the way.
Yeah.
Michael Landon.
Somebody sent me a video of his hometown the other day and his childhood home and stuff was pretty cool.
Of Michael Landon's?
Yeah.
Someone sent you a video of Michael Landon's childhood home just recently.
Yeah, just sent me like, this is where he lived at.
This is the bench he used to spend time on and just like, just some like place pieces from his neighborhood.
Where is he from?
Connecticut?
I have no clue.
I want to talk more about this special man.
Forest Hills, New York.
Now, this sounds nice.
Have you been here?
No, is that Queens?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I've been to Queens, of course.
Is that Queens?
Forest Hills?
Yeah, go back to it.
Let's see.
Atlanta was born to Eugene Maurice Orowitz.
October 31st, Halloween.
No way.
No way.
That's when we hung out.
Yep.
Worst Hills in the neighborhood of Queens, New York, as far as we're paying.
Yeah, it's beautiful there, dude.
It looks like you're in an old Europe or something.
It's all these old, like, there's an old section of it.
Ooh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It looks like you're in like a cottage.
Like, it looks like you're in the foothills of Switzerland at some of the places in Queens.
Wow.
Yeah.
So, yeah, this was some of the footage of somebody had sent me.
And now this is apropos of nothing they sent you the mic a little bit.
People know I'm a fan.
Is that right?
Yeah.
Oh, all right.
I'm a known fan.
Of that kind of programming or him specifically?
The film specifically I think.
Just like, you know, it was just, He was the fatherhood.
Yeah, he was.
He was kind of that father, that television father.
When I started podcasting, an online store was probably the furthest thing from my mind.
You know, I was just concerned with getting the episodes out.
But eventually we put a t-shirt online and we started selling it.
And then that evolved and people wanted more.
And so next thing you know, we were selling a t-shirt and a dang sweatshirts and a high heel even at one point, I think.
And that's where we are now.
And it's been so easy, all because I use Shopify.
Shopify is the global commerce platform that helps you sell at every stage of your business.
That's been one thing that's nice, whether we were selling just one item or we evolved to have a couple of items.
Whatever stage you're at, you can stage up or stage down with Shopify from the launcher online shop stage to the first real-life store stage, all the way to the did we just hit a million orders stage.
Shopify is there to help you grow.
Right now, you can sign up for a $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash T-H-E-O, all lowercase.
Go to shopify.com slash T-H-E-O now to grow your business, no matter what stage you're in, shopify.com slash Theo.
Everybody likes having skin on their body.
Covers you, holds you, keeps everything together.
But what I want to talk to you about is that second skin, maybe.
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The most comfortable underwear I've ever worn.
That's right.
I can't even travel without my Tommy Johns.
I can do everything better in my Tommy Johns.
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I feel capable.
I feel like just touching the world.
Tommy Johns are different from other brands I've worn just because of the sleekness, because of that hold, the comfort, because it makes me feel like I just feel better than I even feel.
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See site for details.
Great time to get something for yourself or something for Father's Day.
A little bit more about the special, man.
So yeah, like, what has that been like for you?
Like the comedy road?
Like, did you start to really feel like, okay, this is what kind of comedians go through?
Because you also got into comedy where people already knew you.
Was that scary?
Like, oh, they're going to judge me or did it feel more like they're going to support me?
Like, yeah, I know what you mean.
Well, I did stand up like 20 years ago.
Like out of college, I did it for a little bit.
And then I started getting into sketch comedy and like improv and stuff.
And then that's how I really got into comedy because I started to get a little successful with the sketch stuff.
This is like 2000, you know, 99. I started that.
And then I got on the show and I was like, well, the only thing I've really wanted to do is do stand-up.
But it just, I didn't go down that path.
And then I was like, you know, if I don't do it now, I mean, I'm not, I have to start doing it now.
I have a platform now, you know.
But I was like, I was very into this, like, I was into the stand-up world a little bit because I used to host, I owned a bar and I used to host like comedy on Tuesdays.
And this is 2008, 9, 10, 11, 12. And so every comic, every New York comic played my bar.
And so I became friends with everyone like years before I started going hard at it in New York.
And so everybody was like, I was friends with everybody.
And also like, I just went at it really, really hard.
Like I was, you know, I didn't half ass anything.
I was like, it's what I, it's what I do and it's what I wanted to do.
But I understand like it's a thing like, okay, people know me from television.
Like they're like, am I backdoor in it?
Am I going to have an act?
You know, like, you know, but if you just like, if you're out there every single night at every, I mean, I'm playing bars with three people in it to this, to that, to the next thing, five, six spots a night for years, you know, so it's like, you know, and then it's like, you know, if you're, if you respect it, I mean, you know, so luckily everybody was really cool with me.
And would you feel like personally, that's a little bit more what I mean.
Like I think you seem like an authentic enough guy where like you would be realistic about what you were really doing, you know, if you were just trying to create a fun show that was like a like a Joker show, like, you know, or just like bring a lot of that to stage or if you were trying to, you know, like really rock in a stand-up and really go through it, you know?
And I know that for years you were performing, but yeah, like what was it, was there anything like for you in your own head, like, do I need to prove to my, like, was it some of that a little bit, you think?
Yeah, man, but that's the motivator, you know, like, because, because I tour with the guys.
I've been touring with the guys for 13 years.
Well, we toured back in 2000, but now since the show, we've been touring for 13 years.
We're on our fifth, you know, like we do United States every market and then UK every market, you know, this is our fifth one in 12 years.
So, and you know, you know, our story was like, you know, we started really small.
We started playing literally when we started, like nobody wanted to really invest in us.
Oh, yeah.
You know, like even our agents, they like, we're like, oh yeah, you can do live stuff, you know, and we started in like literally like C rooms, you know, like really like hole-in-the-wall places, but it got better.
And then, you know, a few theater and then we started, you know, playing big, big, big places.
And then, but it is, it's different.
It's not, it's not stand-up.
You know, it's like, it's like a multimedia show.
It's for our fans.
We tell stories.
It's interactive.
It's like geared toward the fans.
Yeah, and I love being there.
I mean, so many of my first fans were fans that came over from you guys.
Oh, no, really?
yeah.
I mean, um, is that just because of you?
Like you, I think from going on the cruise that we went on and then some of the fans like, um, Yeah, that's true.
That is really true.
By far.
I mean, it's like the Bible and then Jokers, I feel like.
No, but they're good like that.
If like we vouch for someone, it's like they will attach themselves.
Because, you know, they're not really stand-up fans.
You know, like they're fans of the show, maybe they're fans of comedy and everything, but they find a lot of people through us.
Yeah.
You know, so it's like when we tell them, oh, this person, like, they're like, they're so happy to have someone to seek out and to become a fan of.
Yeah, they're like more like human fans, kind of.
Human fans.
Like, just like, usually just pretty fun, loving people.
You guys have said some of the best fans, I feel like.
Yeah, I think so, too.
And they're just so like, they're so invested and they're so loyal.
You know, we're only on the air this long because, you know, because of that kind of, I don't know, that kind of dedication they have to it, that loyalty, you know what I mean?
Like we just signed, I just, season 10 just finished airing.
And we didn't announce this yet, but we signed for season 11 and 12. So I'm shooting season 11 now.
Wow.
And I can't even believe it, really, because it's like 300 episodes.
We've been doing it since 2011.
Like, I didn't think that shit, but it's because of them.
It's really it.
It's because of them.
And like, they, if someone is in our orbit of the show's orbit, like they want to, like, that's how much they love us.
They just want to, like, they want to kind of, they're cool.
They're cool to be like a fan of what we're a fan of.
You know what I mean?
Like that kind of thing.
Like by extension.
Yeah, yeah.
They want to care.
Yeah.
They.
And also they trust your acumen or whatever.
Like, yeah, whatever you think is on your charcuterie board of humor.
Right.
They like want to get it.
They're like, oh, I'll.
Yeah, like, you're my fake jam, babe.
Yeah.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm like, try some fake jam right here.
You're my fake jam, babe.
That's another good shirt.
We're going to make a lot of shirts today.
Let's see how many pieces of merch we can come up with by the time this episode ends.
Right now we got two.
Yeah, we got two.
We got gout.
Gout happens and you're my fake jam.
Yeah.
All right.
But I want to branch out.
It can't just be t-shirts.
Maybe we'll do some like maybe some, yeah, sock, maybe laptop, laptop covers or something like that.
Socks.
Yeah.
Maybe like a wind chime.
Ooh.
You got to get, you got to get, that's the secret with merch.
You have great merch.
You got to throw in something like people don't normally get.
Really?
I think so.
Yeah, that's, I, I think I just didn't want to end up having like all kinds, like, you know, I got like hats for disabled people or I got like children's vests.
There's not a lot of disabled children's vests.
You know, you're like, what is going on?
You know?
Yeah, but you should.
Cinnamon.
Like, oh, Theo's got a cinnamon.
Yeah.
Do you have anything like that?
I'm surprised you don't.
You don't have like a rub or something like that?
You don't?
Dude, come on.
You're the southern king, man.
You got to get like yourself a rub or something.
I've got a rub, dude.
You're not allowed to use it near school, I'll tell you that, brother.
I did a peanut butter for charity.
No way.
Well, our podcast, we have the, so I do Hey, Babe with Chris DeStefano and Taste Buds with Joe DeRosa.
And together we're on this No Press Network on YouTube, whatever.
And so we, I had this peanut butter that I loved.
Saratoga Peanut Butter Company was this family-owned, like woman-owned business.
And she used to be from Staten Island where I'm from.
And I found her at a Christmas market.
Not even her.
I just found a stand.
And I was loving it, loving it, loving it.
And I would mention it and like, you know, to support.
And then they reached out and like, we combined and made a peanut butter for charity.
I did that once.
Ooh, Saratoga peanut butter.
Put in like the no-press.
I bet you it'll come up because it was cool.
we're on the label and stuff.
It's like fun, you know?
Oh, that would be really cool.
Yeah.
I never thought about some of that, I guess.
Pickles one time.
Pickles.
We did.
I don't know.
I just worry, I guess, about like trying to sell.
To me, there's something that gets weird if I feel like I'm trying to sell people too many things.
Oh, for sure.
I didn't sell that.
That was just the money went to charity and that was just.
Oh, that's what you're saying.
Yeah, I didn't make my own.
I didn't make my own.
Yeah, of course, of course, man.
Q, I was on a, so Q, my buddy, you know, Q. He made cucumbers.
No, that would be good.
He owned a beer company.
He started it.
He bought the rights to and revived a beer company from Staten Island from like 100 years ago that went defiant.
Right.
And yeah, and he was so passionate about it.
And he doesn't have any more, but it's years he had it.
And to mess with me on the show, he made there was one time on the show where they renamed me Prince Herb.
Okay.
And I had to go by Prince Herb in my whole life for like a year, like late night TV, the news, any press, going up on stage, please welcome Prince Herb.
They pierced my ears.
They made me wear these big cubic zirconia earrings.
It was very embarrassing.
So I was known as Prince Herb.
And so, I mean, everything I did.
Like I would go to Starbucks and get like a lot of them and they'd be like, Prince Herb?
Yeah.
Right.
And he made a Prince Herb brew.
If you pull up Prince Herb, that's all me.
Oh, yeah, that's Prince Herb.
They put a billboard in Times Square.
That's a billboard of me with the earrings.
No way.
Yeah, that's the New Year's Eve billboard.
That's the huge one in Times Square.
Yeah, that's the size.
That's the building.
Gouting your cheeks, dude.
That is huge.
Dude, it was like 60. No, what are you looking at?
The t-shirt, the printer for 2024.
No, so if you put in printers.
That's that.
Oh, that's another thing.
I'll get to that.
That's me.
Oh, that's you.
That's me.
That's the worst picture I ever took, 2003.
I had the flu and I was 60 pounds overweight.
And I gave them the picture to put on Jokers because we like help each other out.
You know, like they want to do something like, here, take this bad picture of me.
Go ahead.
And they kept using it for like six, seven seasons, right?
And then I was like, this joke is getting old.
And then just when I thought it was getting old, it became a meme, dude.
Like the crying Michael Jordan face.
Not that like it's that big, but I'm saying like that.
Like people just started using it.
I don't even understand why.
Dude, it got so big that college campuses across the country.
I go do college shows now.
Everybody in the audience has that face on a shirt or they put it on, they put it on quilts and they put it on like these blankets and they hang them in the dorms.
Wow.
Dude, at their graduation, my back hands are on the cap, like and everything.
It's, it's, and I've never sold, made a dollar from that.
Someone made so many millions of dollars.
I mean, dude, I can't tell you the amount of merch that that thing is on.
Who is that?
That's me, dude.
That's me.
I look like Andre the Giant, bro.
Yeah, it's just a bad angle on a bad day.
I was in Santa Monica.
I was at lunch with Q. He took the picture.
And I was at, I mean, that one's blown up.
Someone widened it.
But it wasn't good.
I understand the one with the glowing orbs.
I don't know what.
I ask the kids when I go to the colleges.
Like, they hold them up on the blankets.
Like, they get this.
They spend real money.
Oh, yeah.
They get it blown up.
And I'm like, what, what is this?
And they just.
Like, quiltery is very costly.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't know nothing.
I don't know much about it.
Yeah.
But I didn't think college kids could do quiltery, can afford quiltering.
Look at this.
Oh, my God.
Sal, I didn't know you had all this happen to you.
Yeah.
And so, but when it first happened, I didn't know what to do.
Because it looks like the guy died.
Yeah.
I think that's part of it.
Everybody, when they look at that guy, they're like, oh, yeah, I remember him.
It's just a gamble.
I look like the whale.
I never didn't see the movie, but I look like I locked myself in my house and I didn't come out for a while.
You look like the whale if he rapped, I feel like.
Like, that's the element that's also, there's a very Brooklyn or very like, there's a run DMC, like kind of a little bit with this.
I don't see run DMC in just my big peach fat bald circle head, but if you say it, I'll take it because anything to make me feel better about this photo.
Okay, there is a hasn't run in a while DMC.
Has not run.
Yeah.
Yeah, there's a has not run.
Thank you for the in-a-while.
I appreciate that.
But I, no, it's one of those pictures you see.
If you notice, you go to, and I hate to say this out loud, but a F-U-N-E-R-A-L and one of the pictures that's on there.
Why don't you want to say funneral?
Because people pronounce it differently and it means something bad.
Well, if you say funneral, soften the blow.
That's a good call.
Yeah, say we're at a crazy funneral.
Somebody hands you a famphlet and you see a fixture on it.
Sure.
It looks like that guy a lot of times.
Like, damn, R.I.P.
Yeah, just say a frayer.
Just say a frayer for me.
R.I.P.
Ricky, too soon.
Like a lot of that kind of stuff.
Yeah, that's what it looks like.
It definitely looks like that.
But when it, I didn't know what they meant.
Someone texted me and it's like, I got to tell you something.
Are you sitting down?
That's what they said.
I said, what's up?
They go, you become a meme.
And I was like, what is that?
What do you mean I become a meme?
I know what a meme is, but what do you mean I become a meme?
And they're like, the picture of you that you hate that was on like, because I was like, this is not funny anymore.
You did it till it's not funny.
It's like they used it for like seven seasons and then it happened.
And then, dude, for like one year, if I posted something, if I my DMs were, I couldn't get to regular messages.
I couldn't see, if you DM me, I couldn't see it.
If I put something online, 800 of that face right underneath in the comments.
And it was like, I thought it was funny at first, but then I was like, it's just not funny.
I got to talk to people.
I have to communicate.
I got to use the internet.
Every time I post, I can't just get that head in.
So I don't even know where we're going.
Oh, but anyway, the Prince Herb, it was a non-alcoholic hot pink beer.
And it said a corny beer for a corny mofo.
If you put Prince Herb Brew, you'll see the can.
Now, this is a funny story.
You'll see the can with me on it.
It's a hot pink.
It's a hot pink can.
Like Prince Herb Brew.
There it is on the left there.
Oh, wow.
That's a real future-looking can of beer.
That's cute plugging it right there.
Yeah.
And it said like a corny brew for corny morpho.
Now, here's the thing: this is the funniest thing ever.
It was unintentional, but he shipped so many of those things, right?
It was hot pink and it was non-alcoholic.
And he shipped so many of them.
And what we did, he wanted to get it done in time for that punishment where they pierced my ears, put me on the billboard.
So it was all part of the same punishment.
So I didn't know he was doing this.
So after they brought me out to Times Square, they told me I was going to become Prince Herb.
And I didn't know what they meant.
And then they said, turn around, and I saw on the billboard.
And then they took me inside, pierced my ears.
For the whole season, I had to wear these big cubic zirconia earrings.
Oh, I didn't see this.
Yeah.
And then that came up and they told me about that in the moment.
So I guess in the haste to produce the beer, make a recipe of a hot pink non-alcoholic IPA, something was wrong in the measurements of the recipe.
And he shipped out like, I want to say like, I don't know, hundreds and hundreds of cases, hundreds of cases.
And he got word back that they were exploding.
And what happened was, if they were not refrigerated and only, they had to stay cold.
And that's it.
Once they were cold, they had to stay cold.
And if you took them out of the refrigerator, they exploded, bro.
And I don't mean like they leaked.
They exploded.
Which is actually, you know, full circle, it's the funniest thing I've ever heard of in my life because it's like he didn't intend that.
But people started reaching out being like, yeah, it's exploding all over my house, my fridge, everything.
Because you could also leave it out to the home, put in the fridge and explode in the fridge.
But these things were popping like grenades.
My cat's wet, my kids.
Yeah.
Dude, so they were expanding.
And so you see the metal in the bottle just like start to expand until the things pop like grenades.
And it happened to everybody.
And he had to give all the money, you know, back or whatever.
I think it was the charity involved too.
And I got a case of my own as just like, yeah, you have it.
And I didn't know.
And I put them in the fridge right away.
And then, so then I had like two cases.
I had 48 of those in my fridge.
And when I realized that they were going to start exploding, I was like, I can't, I need room in the fridge.
It's my main fridge.
And so my lady's like, we got to get these out of here.
And I was like, but I don't know how to get them out because they're going to start exploding.
And so we took out, I left two in there.
Now right now there's only one in my fridge and it's, it's, it's expanded because, but now I put it back in time.
So it's, it's like the top is like, it's almost like a point and it's ready to explode if it loses like five degrees.
But it's in the, it's in like the CRISPR.
Oh, yeah.
But we took, yeah, it's a safe drawer.
Yeah, it's supposed to keep, you know, so, but we took every one of them out and I put them in the sink in my, in my, I put them in the sink in my kitchen and I just put a blanket over it.
Dude, it was like, it was like Sarajevo in that, dude.
After like 30, after like 20, 30 minutes, it was like, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.
And dude, it was, I mean, and then part of it.
Don't call it a comeback.
Dude, it was like exploding.
It was hot, pink, sticky beer all over my kitchen.
I mean, and it was scary, actually.
It was scary.
Not alcoholic.
It's not alcoholic.
But I would try to like pop them open to preempt the blast.
And so I would go and I would like, but then you'd pop them open and they would just still explode.
Yeah.
I got to send you a picture of the one in my fridge.
It's like, it's just two degrees away.
I know what's going to happen, but like, I just, I'm keeping it for like the, like the, what do you call it?
Just like.
Yeah, like a gender reveal.
No, like, like, just a keepsake.
That's what it should.
That would be really funny.
You know what it sounds like this would have been great for?
Is gay gender, like gender reveals if your cousin was gay or your brother's gay.
Like, hey, mom and dad, we got an announcement to make.
Like an out, an out, like a, yeah, like a coming out.
Or yeah, like a out.
A coming out reveal, which I guess is a sexual reveal.
Yeah.
Or preferences reveal or something.
Yeah, yeah.
You'd be like, mom and dad, we got a, we gotta, we want you to know something.
You just set one in front of them.
And everybody's waiting to come forward.
Isn't it just fucking.
It's like a Trojan horse.
Really?
And you're like, Danny's gay.
And they're like, no, shit.
We fucking, we knew he was gay.
And now you fucking ruin your mom's new wallpaper.
That's the problem, dude.
But it's just so funny to think that they were exploding all across American people's homes unintentionally.
Oh, yeah, but beautiful.
There's something so special about that type of thing.
Sitting in your chair at home, right?
You're relaxing.
You're cue, right?
You've made a lot of beer.
You got Prince Herb Brew just hit the, you know, it's on the ships heading out to different homes.
And then you know it's starting to blow up and you're like, all right, it's, things are going poorly.
But you hear like the email.
Lucky nobody.
You've got malpractice.
For real, though, for real, lucky nobody got hurt.
Oh, fuck.
Because I'm telling you, dude, I'm telling you, the sound was like where you would go, yo, that was one can.
I had 48 cans.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Baby angel, that is so heavy.
Yeah, it is heavy when that kind of stuff is going on, when there's a dangerous product that hits the scene, I think is very scary.
Kid Rock, I know, made a beer.
Yeah.
And the first batch of it was good.
It was like badass beer or something it was called.
And the second.
It was called not Bud Light.
It was called straight beer.
Even though the craziest part is he drinks Bud Light every day.
You get over things, you know?
It's like a bad breakup.
Yeah, it really is.
Time will heal his Bud Light wounds.
That's a good point.
It did quickly.
But badass, that was his beer.
Badass beer, American lager.
And the second batch of it, like they just made it bad.
Like whoever made it, it was a bad beer.
Like they messed up the recipe or something.
Oh, so it didn't taste good.
It tasted horrible.
Tasted badass.
It tasted just ass.
They just get like a Sharpie and like blackout bad and they could sell it for what it was.
And then it wouldn't be like false advertising.
People are like, what do you drink?
And you're like, disgusting.
Somebody put ass in a can.
Exactly.
Which is so ironic because he didn't want to do Bud Light, but then people are like, yo, I'm eating ass.
I messed with ass.
Yeah, you're like, hold on.
You put that ass in my mouth.
You put a can of horrible ass.
But you can't support a beverage of some guy who maybe prefers a little ass every now.
Like, what kind of world were we living in?
But the simple fact that he had his second run of the beer, he was all fired up and then it just was in the recipe was bad.
I'm sorry to hear that because he's a guy who needs a break.
Oh, yeah.
You ever go to his like compound or whatever?
Oh, yeah.
He's nutty, right?
I know you kind of know him probably, right?
Yeah, it's crazy.
Yeah, yeah.
It's pretty interesting.
He, um, where was I with him?
I went to one of his shows.
He played in my sister's town a couple of weeks ago in Louisiana.
Okay.
And so I got to fly over with him.
He has his own plane, so I got to go on a private plane, and then we flew over there and flew back late at night.
Is he a nice dude?
Cool dude?
He's a really sweet guy.
It's not constant badass, right?
Oh, no.
Well, he's also...
He's a unique individual.
He's a really unique individual.
But is everything badass?
Like if he eats a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, is it like in a badass way?
When does that go away?
Like, you ever with him and he did, do you ever see him weep?
Oh, never weep, I don't think.
Yeah.
Maybe, no, he like, he loves like.
Kid Rock is an interesting dude, man.
He's like, he's the kind of guy, if you go do something with him, he'll send you a card or a nice picture of something y'all did together.
Oh, that's so sweet.
You're like that, actually.
You're like that.
Sometimes maybe I am like that.
You are like that.
You are like that.
I remember when you did the cruise, actually, you sent me a gift after.
Oh, I did?
It was the sweetest thing.
No one's ever done that.
Thanks, dude.
It was so nice.
Sometimes I think I got so busy that I just didn't even know who I am sometimes.
But, um, but then Bob also would be the, uh, Oh, you call him Bob?
Yeah.
I was about to ask you, like, what do you call it?
Yeah, his real name's Bob.
Yeah, I know that, but I don't know if you call him.
Oh, yeah, so I call him Bob, right?
Or somehow, it just depends, kind of.
But you ever call him Kid?
I call him Bob and ReShard half the time.
Okay, okay, okay.
And we can beep that up, but people know what it is, you know?
But, oh, he's the only guy I've ever been with in a car, and everybody's just chatting and having a good time.
That's wild, bro.
The only guy you ever knew in the car.
Kid Ron.
Yeah, just as a craziest Uber.
It's like Uber black and then Uber fucking dirt lord.
And he comes and gets you.
But he was in the car one time.
He's like, hey, can we turn down the radio so we can talk about me?
That's what he says.
So he has this other element of like a Kanye West thing?
Yeah, no.
It's kind of like, yeah, it's just a cocky thing, right?
So, and he'll be like both of those things a lot of times.
Tongue-in-cheek about it?
Cocky, but he's you can't tell a little bit sometimes.
Oh, all right, all right.
You can't tell a little bit.
Interesting.
But a nice guy.
Like if I call, I think if I needed something, he would be willing to help out, you know?
Like what level of needing something?
Like if I needed like to borrow 20 grand or something.
Really?
Wow, that's that's that's pretty good.
Yeah, but he's also the kind of guy, like if I called him, I needed something, he would answer, you know, I think he, he's helpful.
He likes to all like, he'll help you think about stuff.
He's been through a lot, you know?
Yeah.
Have you gotten to see his like White House replica?
Has he shown you that?
Have you been over there through his White House?
No.
It's like the capital of the South.
I think I was, for some reason or another, maybe there was an event going on at his compound or something.
And there was an opportunity for me to go.
I've never met the guy, but I didn't end up going.
But I thought Tyler Perry had the White House replica.
Oh, maybe he does.
Yeah, what does Bob have?
That's what Bob has.
Go down one picture.
Wait, is that a replica like that you can walk into or a replica like a snow globe replica?
That's a replica you can walk into.
The picture to the right is his home.
Wait, the White House is his home?
Yeah.
Wait, he lives in a replica of the White House?
If that's the White House, I can't.
I don't know what the White House looks like, but that's.
It looks like that, I think.
Oh, then that's that.
But wait, but Tyler Perry has a, I think he has a, whatever it is.
He has like a compound that's like a state statewide.
Like it's like it's like 308, whatever it is.
And he built a, I think, a 3 fourth identical scale of the White House every room, like whatever.
So that they, and then he lets movie productions film there as the White House.
Wow.
Did you not hear about that?
I didn't know that.
Is that not a wild endeavor to have somebody rebuild the White House at 3 4th scale that meticulously?
Well, it's like people are like, hey, does media, like what really runs America?
And if you don't think it's media, the fact that somebody rebuilt a White House somewhere else and is using it to shoot.
It's wild.
It's media and it's Duncan.
Yeah.
Oh, yes, definitely Duncan, dude.
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So a sweet thing that my girl always talks about is one time we hung out in the city or whatever, and then like a couple of weeks later or whatever, like you left me a message that I played for her that she didn't forget.
And this is a long time ago, but you were like, hey, you know, hey, you guys, I just wanted to give you a call to see how you're doing.
Like, I was just, you were in my heart today is what you said.
I'll never forget that line.
You said, you guys were in my heart today, and I just, I just figured I'd give you a call to see how you're doing.
Oh, nice.
I played that for her.
She already loved you, but she was like, she never forgot that.
It was just such a gentle, sweet thing to call to see how we're doing, just in a general sense.
But then to say it like that, it was like, I love you, buddy.
You have such a big heart.
Yeah, thanks, dude.
Yeah, I think I just have a tough time remembering sometimes that I'm a decent guy.
Is that true?
Yeah.
Why?
I think I just have a tough time.
I don't know why.
I think I have a forgetter.
I just have this like, I have this forgetter inside of me.
You can stray from like what you know yourself to be.
Like you just kind of have ebbs and flows about how you feel about yourself?
No, just like a reminder.
It's like I almost feel like I'll forget that people know that I care about them, right?
I feel like it's this constant thing you have to remind people about or they don't know it.
It's like I didn't understand that if you care about somebody, then they will just know that you care about them and that sometimes it's okay to like kind of show it or express it, but that it doesn't have to be something that you have to like remind people of all the time.
Yeah.
And I don't know what that was.
I think it's gotten a little bit better as I've gotten older, but I think, yeah, I think for a while, I just didn't know like I would.
You felt the need to be expressive.
Like you actually, it would be on your mind to make sure you would have to express it.
Right.
Because then you thought that they wouldn't know, people wouldn't feel it from you or something.
Yeah, yeah.
Like as if your feelings weren't real to people.
All right.
Or something.
Yeah.
Like if I seem like I had a nice time, I don't know if they knew it or not.
Okay.
And so I need to make sure that they knew that I had a nice time.
Or if I was thinking about somebody, I needed to, I guess, let them know maybe, or like that if a time meant something to me.
I don't know.
And some of that's kind of normal, but I think I had this, I don't know, I can't explain it exactly.
You know, I am that way, but I'm that way, like, not because I need people to know, but because I just not need or want them, well, I want them to know, you know, like, but not that they, not because I think that they don't know if I don't tell them, but that's the way I grew up with my family and just how I am.
Like I never want to miss a chance to tell someone, you know, anything that I'm thinking about them, that I admire them, that I love them, that like, you know, any little thing, I'm just, I don't hold anything back like that.
Wow.
It's the best.
Yeah, yeah.
It helps me too because I like I it makes me feel good to tell somebody that I love them or that I care for them or that I'm thinking of them or I admire them or they're you know anything nice.
You know, like I when I greet people and when I say goodbye, it's just like, or anything.
Like I just, I don't know.
That's just the way I am.
I don't think I don't think I could be another way, really.
Yeah, you couldn't be.
You are trapped being a nice guy.
But that's what I'm saying.
Like I feel that from you.
Yeah, I think I just get like, I just like am self-tormented a lot of times.
But yeah, no, you always seem like the yeah, you seem like just like a little campfire that's allowed to be inside of people's homes, you know?
Is that the first time you ever said that?
Really?
You just conjured that metaphor up?
Well, I'm thinking of that.
I know you're good with words, man.
I know that you are the person that you, I mean, off the top of your head, man, I mean, you're one of my genius friends.
You have a way with words.
But that's such a good...
You're a campfire that's allowed indoors.
Yeah.
Well, no, now you switch it.
You're a campfire that's allowed indoors seems like a rule.
I think it's like you're a campfire in people's homes was the sentiment.
It's two different things, you know.
We'll have to go back and see exactly what we said, but you're a warm soul, man.
You need that.
You are.
That's a great.
That's what you are.
Yeah, yeah.
But I appreciate that.
Dude, when I was a kid, I didn't, I remember like my, I used to write postcards all the time to my kids that weren't born yet, like, because I wanted them to know that I was thinking about them.
Like, that's kind of crazy.
That's unreal, man.
Yeah.
I think when I was a kid, I didn't know if my parents were thinking about me or whatever.
And so I always grew up with this like uncertainty about it, I think.
And so I didn't even remember this.
My roommate from when I was like 20 was like, dude, dude, you got these postcards.
You used to send them to yourself.
really, send them to your kids, you'd put like unborn kids or something on it.
You put postage, yeah.
Oh, I'd put them in the mail, they'd be from like other places I was doing comedy at or something.
Really?
And he goes, and you would just say, like, hey, kids, I haven't, I didn't meet your mother in this city or whatever.
Like, just saying what's up.
I've wrote, I've written, I did that one time for, you know, I did that once.
And wrote something to your future children.
Yes, I did.
One time.
But like, yeah, I did that.
Did you really do that?
Yeah, I swear to God.
That's awesome, man.
That's awesome.
It was crazy also.
Like, because I remember my roommate would be like, do you have them?
I think I probably had.
Because you sent me like nine or ten of them.
Because then when you have a kid, I'll give them to him.
Yeah.
But you were just like jokey?
Like, I don't know if I'm going to meet your mother here.
Or was it like, hey, one day when I am a dad or when I am here, I hope to do.
Like, was it like, what was the angle?
I think sometimes I'd put in a little joke, you know, but it was just like, hey, unborn children.
But it was, you were being silly?
No, I was being serious.
Okay.
Okay.
Yeah.
I didn't realize at the time, like, now I have a better understanding of like how the exchange of emotions, I guess, a little bit more.
Yeah, at the time, I just didn't know.
I think it went from when I was a kid, I didn't know if my parents were thinking of me or whatever.
And so I was like, I want to make sure my kids know I'm thinking of them.
Dude, that's heavy.
But then I'd be like, yeah, sometimes it would be fun.
I'd put something funny on there.
Like, I didn't meet your mother.
Or I hope I didn't meet your mother in this time.
Yeah, you got to throw a little, it's got heart and humor in it.
Oh, yeah.
Sometimes, yeah, we put some funny stuff in there.
You just reminded me of this.
When I was younger, like one of my first girlfriends that I was serious with was a kid, like my first love kind of thing, that kind of thing.
Oh, yeah.
So I thought I was going to marry her.
Like, it was like, yeah, we dated for years as kids, you know, like 15, 16 to like 20, 21, something like that.
No way.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And so I really thought I was going to marry her.
Like our family was close.
And we said we were going to and I wanted to and stuff.
It didn't end well, but but so I did this thing.
I wrote her a letter when I, the first time I knew that I was like in love with her, you know, it was like not that far into our relationship.
Let's say a year, not maybe a year or whatever.
And we ended up dating like five, six years something.
And I wrote her a letter to propose to her, to tell her I wanted to marry her and like how I felt about her.
And to be like, I feel this way now.
And I know one day this is going to happen, but I just want to let you know that I've been feeling it from right now.
And then I mailed it to myself and it was postmarked and it was sealed.
Wow.
And so I was like, when I proposed to her one day, I'm going to give her the letter and let her open it.
And it's kind of the postmark date on it from all the way back then.
Oh, that's romantic.
I don't know why or how I thought of that, but I did and I did it.
And I didn't propose.
I did the letter and everything.
And like, you know, five years later, we broke up or whatever.
And, you know, I would call it it was on her.
Let's just, you know, whatever I was calling it.
Yeah, it was probably on her.
No, it was on her.
Like it was, you know, whatever, whatever.
Right.
We broke up.
God bless, you know, but I, you know, we're kids.
But, but I, I remember too, because it was like, oh my God, dude, it was the worst timing.
It was like a little bit after like Christmas, I think, or her birthday.
And I had gotten, now, dude, this is, this is, oh, God.
What time?
This was the 90s.
It was like the.
Would you get a jet ski or something?
No.
That would be great.
A jet ski.
I was like, no, I was like 20. No, it was like, it was like the 90s.
It must have been like 96, 97, maybe something, something like that, right?
Oh, yeah.
Rent.
"Rent" was a huge Broadway musical.
It was like the Oh, thank you.
Remember Rent?
And you were dating a woman?
No, not even who the Broadway musical was.
Oh, you're from New York.
I forget about that.
Yeah, Rent.
Yeah, that makes sense.
I've been going to plays and music.
No, but that's a thing.
Oh, yeah, yeah, rent, yes.
They have everything from like the logger.
You got the golden ticket.
That's exactly the right one.
And, you know, like now, like how it's like, what's the hot ticket of the president?
Oh, Hamilton.
Yeah, yeah.
It was like that.
Yeah.
Right?
Then.
And I spent $300.
And she wanted to see this thing.
And I spent three back then.
Do you know?
I was $19, $20, whatever.
$300, if you adjust for inflation now, it's like...
Yeah, it was like $20,000, $30,000.
Oh, yeah.
Maybe more.
And I got these things.
And I surprised her with them.
And it was that night.
And I called her on the phone and I said to her, I got these tickets.
The rent tickets, you know, whatever.
Like, I got these.
Like, it's something she wanted to see for so long.
It felt like it was like unattainable because it was so expensive.
Oh, yeah.
Wow.
And I got, I remember it.
I was like, I told her I was going to surprise her with something.
And so I got ready.
I like had it on a button-down shirt.
Like, I got like all nice because I was going to pick her up and drive there and go see rent.
And so I got all ready and I called her and I told her I was going to pick up.
And then I told her, I was like, you know, we're going to, I got tickets to see rent.
And this wasn't the only time this happened because it was like rocky toward the end, like broke up, got back, broke up, came out.
But she broke up with me on the phone a few hours before rent.
And I was like, I was, I mean, I was devastated, dude.
Right.
This is worse than the gout, dude.
And this was like the gout in my body, whole body, like a gout heart.
I had gout heart merch.
That's a subsection of the gout merch.
There's going to be a gout tab.
You have gout in your heart, dude.
You are dead.
Dude, my heart needed crutches, right?
And I'm bawling, crying.
I'm bawling, crying.
And what borough were you in?
I was in Staten Island.
Oh, thank you.
Okay.
And then rent is now at 8 o'clock.
It's like 3.30.
And I was like, I spent my life savings on these tickets.
Yeah.
So, dude, I got in my old beat up car, all dressed up, and I drove to the theater crying.
I paid to park.
And I was like, I was laughing about something else.
No, no, no, no, please.
You know, I know you would never laugh at this.
And dude, I, but you know, when you, when you cry so hard that you look like you got punched in the face, dude, like like out, like my eyes were like, like, I look like the photo of me that became a meme.
Like, I wasn't that heavy, but my face just blew up.
Like, I was when you cry so hard that it looks like you got straight up punched in the eyes, that's how I got out of the car.
And my goal was not to see rent.
I couldn't do it.
I've never seen it.
I was too, I'll tell you, and I never saw Sleepless in Seattle because she ended up going on a date with a guy who took her to see Sleepless in Seattle, and it broke my heart.
And so I never saw it to this day.
I mean, a Nora Efron classic.
Tom actually would think I would see it.
I still to this day.
Now I would see it.
Now it doesn't bother me, but I just, I kind of like think it's fun that I haven't.
Yes.
But I, and then I, I was like, how do I, so then I was like, I got to scalp these because I couldn't eat the tickets.
Yeah.
And I wasn't going to go with sitting there next to a blank, next to an empty seat and cry through rent.
So I'm standing outside.
I'm like 19 years old.
My face is puffed out.
Yeah.
I still have, I'm crying there.
I'm crying trying to scalp.
I had two rent tickets in my hand.
I was in a black button-down shirt.
I was crying.
And people were going into rent.
I was like, excuse me.
And let me tell you something.
Those scalpers, I give them respect because people don't even want to, they don't give you the time of day.
Wow.
You know, I was a young kid.
I was dressed respectably.
I'm right in front.
I got two tickets in hand.
I'm not going to kill you.
I'm not going to run.
It was like Crip tonight.
Is that something?
Sick person.
Yeah.
Yeah, Crip.
If they were all Superman.
Yeah.
And I'm crying.
And which also probably in hindsight looked really weird.
Like, here's a young boy crying.
Yeah.
You know, right?
And for rent.
And just saying, I'll give them to you for $280 instead of $300.
Like, I don't even know if that was a deal or not.
Dude, it was so sad.
And then what I ended up doing was after it was like everyone rejected me and it was like almost thought going to begin.
And I was like, now I'm like, I didn't know what to do if I lost that kind of money.
You know, like, I was like, it would have been so sad.
So I went to the box office and I pleaded with them.
And I just said, my girl, I said everything.
I was talking to the box office lady.
She was like 80. I was like telling her my life story.
I'm like, she broke up over the phone.
I was like, I'm keeping this a sacred.
And she goes, all right, here's what I'll do.
I'm not supposed to do this.
She's like, but the next people might walk up to buy tickets because it was sold out.
She's like, I'll refer them to you.
And these two women walked up and she referred them to me.
And I don't know.
I don't remember exactly what I got for them.
It wasn't full price.
But I was able to unload those.
Did you feel any better after you sold them?
No.
No, not at all.
I didn't see rent.
I took a hit on the money and she was still gone.
And where'd you park?
Let me tell you something.
I parked, you know, in that area, there's a lot of parking garages nearby.
So I wasn't too far, but they get you.
That's what I was saying.
They get you.
You go to a Broadway show, it's like maybe a four hours total.
It's like $80 now.
That's rent.
That's rent.
Yeah.
They charge.
They get you rent to park.
Yeah, they do.
It's insane.
So anyway, so after she broke up with me, I told her about the letter.
About the letter.
Oh, yeah, I would do that kind of stuff.
So how romantic I am?
It wasn't spiteful or anything.
No, no, no, no.
I was like, but you don't understand.
From five years ago, I thought, you know, like, I can't believe this.
And I guess she was, she was, I guess she, I don't remember her exact reaction.
I think she was moved by it.
She must have been moved by it.
I have to really think on it because I know I told her, but I just got to, I can't call up the moment.
It's been so long since I spoke about it.
But check this out.
About, I call it three, two, three years later, I was in the workforce now.
I was out of college, so was she.
And I used to work at Prudential Securities and I was at a desk, right?
Out of college, you know.
And I got an email from her.
And she said, can you give me a call or whatever at her office?
So I called her and she goes, hey, listen, I just want you to know there was this site called, I think it was called Daily Candy.
I guess it was like a daily blog or whatever.
I don't know what it was about.
She said, and they were doing a contest where you submit, submit the most, if you're married, submit your engagement story and the most romantic would win.
And she goes, and so I submitted what you did letter.
She didn't send my letter in, but she told a whole story.
But as if we got married.
Because you had to be the married person.
So she said, I said that I am married and this is how my husband proposed.
And she won the contest.
And they gave her a $5,000 shopping spree.
And she called me up and said, do you want to split it?
Do you want to do some of the shopping spree with me?
And I was like, no, I don't want to do half the shopping spree.
I was like, I don't think I was, I wasn't like I was still mad, but I was still hurt.
And I was like, you know what it was?
I was more like, that's fucked up, actually.
Yeah.
Like, you didn't experience this.
We didn't experience it.
Like, I was, I thought we were going to, we didn't.
We didn't.
And now you're profiting off of it.
It's a lie, dude.
I was like, you just lie.
Like, if you, I mean, how, like, wouldn't you not want to do that?
Because, like, you, you, you broke up with me.
Like, so why use that story and and she won, wouldn't you know?
Because of your work.
Yeah.
And I was like, no, you take it, you know, and I, but in my, in my, in my head, I was like, I think it's kind of messed up that you submitted that.
At least, you know, for me to hear it, it hurts a little bit.
Oh, but that's a letter I wrote to the future.
You know, you know, I don't know.
You're romantic.
You're romantic now.
I was a Very salvatore.
How can you not be romantic with that name?
Salvatore.
God, it's romantic.
Is y'all's family full Italian?
Half?
Yeah.
Yeah, my dad is Italian.
My mom is Puerto Rican and Cuban.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
I don't know if you want to add this in there, but it looks like you spent about the equivalent of $720 in 2024.
Yeah, maybe just pull that chart up.
You adjust it.
Let's adjust the value of the rent tickets and your love at the time.
1990?
When was it 90?
It was 96. I'm going to call it 96. Okay.
$300 and then now $600.
Yep.
Such hump chains, man.
And then how much was $5,000?
I guess double, right?
It'd be $10,000.
Right?
the shopping spree she won.
I mean, that's basically going to keep the same...
Yeah, even if it's two or three years later, yeah, pretty close.
So we're double.
We're basically 28 years later.
We are double.
Wow.
We doubled up.
I remember like I broke up with my girlfriend and then I tried to learn like she was like learning French or something.
So I tried to learn French in like three weeks or whatever.
And like, how'd you do that?
Rosetta Stone or like I got a book or something.
It was like Charles French or something.
And so I start learning and my parents like, what are you doing?
You're just learning individual words?
That's not teaching you syntax or anything, is it?
It's not teaching you like grammar.
Look, homie, I was crying in my backyard smoking Newport, okay?
I wasn't.
It's just like, we, we, like, just like, I couldn't think of another French word, but like, you're like, baguette.
You end up going to her and be like, I learned French, like, Napoleon.
But definitely, I like, bon foie.
Like, how old were you?
Like at 24. I love that.
I love the idea, like, this will get her back.
Oh, that's what I thought.
I just dropped some Pepe Le Pue one of the days.
I made up like this story about us going like sailing or something.
I made this like little sailboat.
Like, dude, it was the whole thing was.
Wait about me.
How old are you?
10. A story about you guys sailing.
Who knows, dude?
I don't remember what happened, dude.
There was a lot of different things going on in the area at the time.
But I do remember.
Oh, this is so gay.
G-A-Y.
I don't want to say it.
But actually, gay dudes don't even do that kind of shit.
It's just like kind of Shakespearean sadness.
But then I remember, dude, I hitchhiked.
So I went to a sailing thing in Biloxi, Mississippi, right?
And my ex-girlfriend had moved up to Charleston, South Carolina.
And when I'm there, there's some guys that are there who were from the sailing team at College of Charleston.
So I told my friend who I went there with, I was like, these guys said they'll give me a ride to Charleston.
I'm going to roll with them.
Right.
And she's like, what?
And I was like, yeah.
She's like, we're in Biloxi.
She's like, it's like a 10-hour drive.
I was like, I know, but I got to.
Wait, so you hitched a ride to Biloxi?
I hit a ride.
You hit Charleston Sailors.
I hitched a ride to Charleston from Biloxi.
Oh, okay.
So I met.
Right, right, right.
So in Biloxi, I meet some people that are sailing from Charleston.
I hitch a ride back to Charleston with these guys that I met.
You're like the mom at home alone, like driving with Tom Candy and the Pokemon.
You're like, I got to get there.
I got to see my son.
Bro, I end up, we pull up there like 1 a.m.
probably into Charleston.
I end up, I knew where my ex-girlfriend, this is, I think, a crime, but I knew where she lived.
I go to her place.
I'm on the porch of her home petting somebody's cat out there.
And thank God a floodlight came on and kind of like knocked me into my senses.
I wasn't going to go inside everything.
I was just like seeing where she lived.
Oh, she doesn't know you were there?
I don't know.
Oh, you didn't announce yourself?
It was 1 a.m.
But we, we, but we, then you went, did you make a U-turn?
You saw the next day?
I went back to those guys' place and crashed on their couch for a couple of days.
And then she and I finally met up like a week later.
She did not want to see me.
Okay, but your intention was to see her, and you saw her.
I saw her a week later.
So you posted up.
At the time, I was just scoped.
I guess I was just...
You posted up in Charleston for like...
So then we kind of fell out of each other.
And then I had, yeah.
And then you just lived in Charleston.
I had a great time.
Loved it there.
Did you really though?
Yeah.
I think I stayed there for a year.
Are you like a nomad?
You roam from place to place in search of food and water?
I could have at the time.
And then once podcasting started, I had to be in a place that had to be more substantial.
But this, but, you know, my math is off?
Once podcasting is.
Oh, but pre-podcast, you felt like you could, wherever you set your bags down.
Really?
No, I'm the opposite, man.
I wish I could.
I wish I could.
I go on vacation.
Yeah.
That's about it.
I can't.
I don't know, man.
I'm so rooted.
And it's something I'm working on in therapy.
I have attachments.
I have a, you know, I, I don't know.
I don't like, like change and I, I, I have attachments and stuff.
And I just can't pick up and leave like that.
I can't relocate.
I feel like anchored to where I'm from.
I don't know if it's a good thing, you know.
I don't know if it's a bad thing, though.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, to know, yeah, it's like, cause you have so much joy and love.
There's so much you can go to another place.
And I don't know.
And also at the time I was younger, it was easier to do that kind of stuff.
Yeah, yeah, that's true for sure.
Do you remember your first girlfriend?
Like a kid?
Like, no, I guess not a kid.
Oh, yeah.
But yeah, my first real girlfriend wasn't that till that, till 15. But I remember like being a little kid.
I remember I used to live in this, like, these garden apartments.
Right.
And so like, I mean, from like grammar school, that kind of age.
Like, so I was little, like from like zero to, you know, whatever, like 10. And it was in its own complex.
So all the kids from all the buildings, we all grew up together.
And we, we were there young enough so that we were allowed to be, because all the buildings like were surrounded like a courtyard, parking lot, pool, like in the middle.
And so like our parents were like, you can hang out anywhere in the, in the property.
You can't go out of the property, which was kind of cool because we had more autonomy than we should have at that age.
Because you were kind of caged in.
Right.
But then, you know, yeah.
So it's kind of cool.
But yeah, but we all grew up together there.
And I must have been, I'll call it like fifth grade, maybe?
Yeah.
And it was summer.
Yeah.
And we had a pool, a pool area there for the Breaths, right?
And I remember like, it was just one of those summers where we were talking about before how like when you were a kid, time went so slow, which I wanted to touch on that because I have a theory about that.
Because if you didn't, if you took away your phone and your internet and your car, you know what I'm saying?
And you didn't have a job and then you just had to find time in the day, like you basically reduce yourself to the options you had then, I think that we could slow time in a way.
You know what I mean?
Time is, it only gets faster and faster.
It's burning for me right now.
But like, you know, get up at eight, go outside, come back in at six.
Yeah.
You know, and then see how long the days feel.
And I've been having such a hard time with how fast I think life is going right now, especially because I hit an age where like I'm, for the first time, I see my, I look older.
It's the first time it registered with me.
You don't, you feel it until you feel it and then it's too late.
Yeah.
And then my, my parents, you know, I see them, you know, and so like for me right now, I'm going through that like, really, like I'm having that like existential thing going on.
And so I've been given this thought and I was like, why did time feel so slow back then, you know?
And I, you know, I thought through it.
I, I was, I, I like, daydreaming, but I'm like, I'm literally like, I want to just do a thing where I like, just go, stop working, you know, and then just like, don't, don't, don't use the internet.
And I just want to like get up and go out and just spend my days like I was if I was a kid.
Like try that for like a month and just see if it feels like everything just slows down.
Yeah.
And what that does to my psyche and my, my day-to-day.
And, you know, I really want to like, but anyway, that's, I mean, I really do feel like it was like, I remember just being like, you came back at six o'clock.
It felt like you went on a pilgrimage and that was daily.
You know what I mean?
And you really, you really are much more in touch with yourself, you know, and you're really spending these, this quality time with these kids all day long.
And it's just like, I don't know, man, it just was like.
Oh, things had more value then for sure because you did them, you experienced them.
Now we consume so many experiences and just have less of them, I think.
Yeah.
To the point that...
I mean, it's just buzz, buzz, but next thing, next thing, a point, this, that, that, you know, and it's just, it's just non-stop, you know?
Oh, the times where you would sit, I remember just laying in my bed, just like thinking about a girl or something that didn't even exist.
Thinking.
Yes.
Yeah, just laying there thinking.
Yeah, no, who's thinking?
Name 30 people that are thinking.
Right.
Right now.
Yeah.
It's probably not.
I don't think anyone is, really.
Everybody is reacting.
Are you sitting down thinking?
Yeah.
I daydream about just getting, I just want to move to the country.
Like not even like a, like it's a remote part.
I want a porch and I want to sit on the porch all day long and think.
That's what I want to do.
I really, I swear to God, dude, I've come this close to almost doing that and just leaving this life, like this career life, you know, or just like, dude, or just at least going like six months on, six months off.
Yeah.
Like, I don't know.
You probably think you could?
I don't know, but I'm romanticizing it right now.
You know, I grew up in this city and like, oh, I have six jobs.
You know, like you, you know, we, it's a hustle.
You know, if you hustle, you have to hustle or you don't, you know what I mean?
It's just like, I don't know.
Like, I'm just so tired of like, even when I do allow myself, like, all right, the afternoon, like the morning, I'm not going to look at my phone.
Or like, if I, let's say I go away on vacation, you know, if I do and it's like three or four days and I'm like, I want to stay off the grid.
I have this anxiety of all the things that people are waiting on answers for that are piling up.
That's what might be important.
Or like, God, if I've been someone needs my help or like, you know, whatever.
And that when I get back, I think about the hole I'm going to have to dig out of that because it's piling up.
And I can't even enjoy the off the grid days because I'm like, I'm going to get slaughtered.
If I don't at least mitigate it a little while, I'm on vacation.
When I come back, I can't dig out of it.
Dude, I don't know how you are, but right now, look how many text messages I have unanswered right there.
Oh, my gosh.
That's insane.
Look at the missed calls.
Oh, my God.
I can't live like this.
Who are you, dude?
I don't know.
You got that too, right?
You can't possibly.
I just changed my number, dude.
Yeah, I know, because I was like, oh, shit, the only came back to me though, I realized the other day.
There's the worst part.
Some kid the other day sends a thing.
I guess he got my phone number, right?
Okay.
So he's like, some guy from Berlin or somewhere, some other country, maybe Africa.
He gets my number.
And he's like, I got a burner phone for three weeks.
It must be Theo Vaughn's phone number.
He's like, so far I've talked to MGK and Jordan Pearson.
That's what he said.
Because people were texting him.
Texting him.
He just thought it was still me.
No shit, dude.
I just forgot to tell.
I literally told probably 15 people closest to my life.
And then I was like, I'm going to shut my life down.
I just couldn't handle anything anymore.
I so understand, dude.
Because, you know, I will tell you, though, because when I went to text you last, I like, you know, whenever it was, like a few, a couple of months ago, whatever, what it was there was the last time I texted you.
And I guess in the interim, you read, and I was looked at it and it was a voice note.
And I was like, oh, and I just, I played it.
It was a while back, but I played it.
And it was like this voice note I left you that was like, kind of like, it was like, like, not sentimental, but it was like.
Nice message.
Yeah, it was like, it was like a message, like, kind of like the one you left me.
Yeah.
Like, I'm thinking about you.
I just, you know, I hope you're doing well, man.
Like, I'm always like, you know, I know you're always on the go.
Like, I just, it was like a, you know, whole, and I listened to it and I started cracking up because I was like, I forgot.
But I was like, he didn't even answer that.
I was like, no, but I'm like, but not because you didn't answer, because I was like, look, I haven't answered 200, you know what I mean?
But I was like, oh, shit, dude, that's like so funny.
I got to tell him that.
And then when you change your number, I was like, oh, he never even, he never probably even got it.
Never got it.
Yeah, but it's all right.
Yeah, that's the world.
The world knows I left.
I left it.
I left that message.
Thanks, man.
So now you know.
Yeah.
Some kid in Berlin is probably decoding it right now.
No, but what was I saying?
So, oh no, so I lived in this compound, right?
So, that summer, everybody was like, everybody had like crushes and was getting girlfriends and stuff.
Oh, like all my friends pressure suddenly, yeah, like, and it's that young, kind of like sand lot kind of thing, kind of oh, yeah, you know what I mean.
And you'd hear like Samantha likes Randy.
First of all, I didn't know who Samantha was, and I didn't know who fucking Randy was.
And when I found out, I can tell you right now, Randy didn't deserve Samantha.
Well, I deserve some people, you know what I mean?
But even if I didn't even know who they were, if I just heard that sentence, Samantha likes Randy, I was like, oh my God, dude, we got to get somebody to like us.
Dude, I felt so left out.
And so I got to the point where I went up to the, went up in the, and it was midday.
The pool's open all day.
It was midday.
And I just felt like I was trauma.
I was like, midday, midday.
I went up and I was like sad.
And my mom was like, what's the matter?
I'm not sure what grade I was in.
Yeah, it was probably about fourth or fifth, fifth.
And I actually was like, everybody's got girlfriends.
Like nobody likes me.
I was like crying and stuff.
And I'm like, I don't know.
And she's like, what's the matter?
I'm like, no, everybody that's a girlfriend.
I don't have a girlfriend or whatever.
I'll never forget what my mom did.
She's so sweet.
I got to remind her of this.
I don't know if she knows this or remembers this.
So I was crying.
So she comforted me and she's like, you can get a girlfriend too.
You just didn't meet the, you know, the right girl yet or whatever.
And I'm like, yeah, but he, I was naming her, like, Matt has a girlfriend.
Jason has a girlfriend.
And I'm like, they're out there like, and nobody likes me.
And she's like, you can get a girlfriend.
She's like, we're going to get you a girlfriend.
So she makes me put on a nice outfit right then in the middle of the day in the summer.
That day when I went, I remember what I put on.
I put on these gray, dark gray jeans.
Yeah.
Capizio.
There's a leather, black leather shoes that Michael Jackson used to wear.
Capizios?
I think they were called Capizios.
Bring them up.
Bring them up.
And I got those because I was obsessed with Michael Jackson.
So I had capizios.
These were like special date, like Easter shoes.
Yeah.
So I put on my Easter capizios.
I put on like dark gray and I put on this like mock white like cream turtleneck color.
Oh my god, this gets worse, huh?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But also better.
Yeah, yeah.
So, and then I put jewelry on, you know.
Oh, yeah.
And so I didn't really have jewelry.
And so my mom gave me like a gold chain of hers.
Yeah.
And I put on my mom's gold chain.
And she put, she's like, you're going to go out.
You're going to dress up.
So I put on this outfit.
I put on a whole gold chain.
She sprays me with her perfume because I didn't have cologne.
She's like, a little cologne.
And she's like, look, it's like cologne.
And she's like, put on whatever she had.
I don't know.
I guess I was wearing like Chanel or whatever the hell.
I don't even know what it was.
And she gave me five bucks.
And she's like, when the ice cream man comes, you just go up to a girl that you like, ask if you want to buy her ice cream or whatever like that.
And my mom sent me out.
And I went out with like women's cologne, my mom's chain, $5 and capizios.
And I was like just circling the pool area, like looking for a girlfriend.
Yeah.
Wow, that's so romantic.
And that's how you ended up being a pimp, basically.
Yeah, that's basically how I ended up being a pimp, yeah.
Gosh, dude, that's so romantic.
I ended up buying five girls, five ice creams, and then they were in my stable after that.
I whip them with the now, it's pretty sad now that I think about it.
Yeah, but it's beautiful about it.
The mom was beautiful.
That's beautiful.
Yeah, it is.
You're right.
It is beautiful.
But I really felt sad then.
That was like the foreshadowing of the feeling I had with the rent.
Yeah.
Yeah, I was, I don't know, my best friend got all the girls when we were like the kids or whatever.
So I'd always be like running the notes for him and that sort of guy, you know.
But you got, you, but you're popular with the ladies.
I started getting dates probably later in high school.
Yeah.
You know, I got a girlfriend pretty quick.
Yeah.
But then I always kind of felt you always kind of feel a certain way, though.
I was kind of too sentimental, I think, at times and shit.
I don't know.
But you don't think like the women didn't, the girls didn't like respond to your, you have a gentle way about you?
Nope.
No.
They weren't into that, really.
They would like a tougher guy, you know.
It was just like young southern kind of, you know, there wasn't a lot of like, you know, there was like the drama, you know, there was like, yeah, it was just, you know, it wasn't bad, but it just wasn't like.
I mean, I remember when I was younger, they locked me in this room with this girl.
She had a chipped tooth pretty badly.
Yeah, she had that Lloyd Christmas little bit.
Yeah, that's bad.
That's bad.
It's a lot personal.
That's bad.
I chipped my tooth on a Miller High Life once making a joke.
I went to take a swig on it for comedic effect, and I hit it, and I chipped my tooth.
I chipped like, I would call it less than 5%.
Yeah.
And I couldn't, that's the only thing I looked at when I looked at my face for a decade after that.
So a third.
Dude, I remember one time somebody came in the room.
I think I was either jerking off or just pretending I was jerking off, right?
And I went like that and shipped my own tooth.
What room?
Huh?
What room?
A room?
A room in your home or a room in like school?
What do you mean?
No, no, no, no.
A room in a home, my home or somebody else's home.
Okay.
Well, that's fascinating if you felt comfortable enough to masturbate in someone's home.
I went like that and then fucking now.
Where are you chipping on your dick?
Oh, I fucking.
What did you chip it up?
I just chipped on my bottom tooth.
I just like.
Your tooth chipped your own tooth?
Yeah.
I was so.
It's like a civil war in your mouth.
Yeah.
And then I was like, and I was like, you know, I would say the course?
Crazy.
You think I'm jerking off with a chipped tooth?
No, that would be crazy.
It's just the fact that you were in someone else's south.
I'm some kind of homeless person.
Hell no, dude.
I'll only jerk myself off if I have a fucking.
You weren't good enough for yourself after you chipped it out.
Like, I ain't jerking off.
I mean, you do it feverishly, then you.
This guy with a chip tooth.
You're a spirited masturbator then?
I don't know.
You chip his teeth.
Oh, that's it.
Well, I think I was like so shocked that somebody had come in the room, you know.
I don't remember exactly what happened, but I've chipped my teeth a lot over the years.
Really?
Yeah.
Well, the microphone, you hit those a lot.
Oh, I hate that.
And that'll bounce them.
And people can hear that too, and they're all like, I've done it.
I haven't chipped, but I've done it.
And every time I hit it, I go, oh, no.
And I feel it right there because I'm like, please, no.
But wait, so what happened with the girl?
It's a one-third.
Oh, yeah.
People locked us in a room and made us kiss each other or whatever when we were kids.
I don't remember if we kissed or not.
I think we did.
People?
Like neighbors, other kids.
Oh, other kids.
Because I was going to say, this is bordering on something that sounds not good.
Yeah, you know, it was on the up and up.
No, nothing like sexual, just like they, you know, you better get in there and kiss you little queers or whatever they would call us.
You know, and then we had another family that's Protestant.
But she was a girl.
Oh, yeah, she was a girl.
And they still called you queers.
And her brother.
Tough town.
Yeah, it was just, and she had a short haircut.
Okay, okay.
And you had a long one.
Yeah, and people were like, now it's making sense now.
Like, you gay kids better get in there and stuff.
But, and then what else was there?
Get any good love stories and everything.
We had a lady that would always be drunk, and her husband, I think, was gone or missing or whatever.
And she would like be just drinking and laying on her Corvette.
Just talk like this was an older lady, like a Miss Robinson type thing.
Yeah, trying to be like, oh, yeah.
Oh, wow.
Like this vet.
She would just be saying that to nobody.
We're like, what is this lady doing, dude?
And she was like, I think kind of a tramp or whatever.
But then we had this other guy.
He was kind of like a homoerotic kid or whatever.
And he might have been like a young man, but he would always like.
It was unclear.
We would do like the navy in his.
They had like a big bathtub.
And he would have us pretend like we're in the navy or whatever and like swim around in his tub or whatever.
But he wouldn't do anything.
He was just like an older kid and he had like used hairspray and stuff.
So he was like, I think he didn't know if he was gay or not, but he was gay, you know?
And he would have us do the navy or whatever at his house.
How did he do the navy?
Huh?
How do you do the navy?
You just swim until somebody yells and fucking throws something at you.
How many kids are in the tub?
Probably three kids.
And were you clothed?
I mean, it was bumper to bumper in there.
There's not a lot of room in a tub, you know?
I think we had our underpants on.
It was submarine.
It was like a submarine.
Yeah, yeah.
It was like tight.
Yeah.
It was like buds or whatever.
I don't know what that thing is that guys go through.
But yeah, a lot of just...
Yeah, just kids being, yeah, just like when you're at home during the summer, just like a lot of that summertime stuff, like, what are we going to do all day?
And then other kids' parents are going to end up doing week, you know, just being around.
Like the days would get so long because then you'd have a friend that went to summer camp and you didn't go to summer camp.
So you would just be literally laying face down on the sofa at home.
Yeah.
The TV's going.
Yeah.
And you have nothing but just.
Nothing.
Nothing.
I remember we used to play like, we called it Manhunt.
You know what that is?
I don't know.
It sounds like the Navy that I was in.
It was like outside, like almost like tech, like teams of, like, whatever.
It's just five kids and five kids, right?
And so basically one team goes out and hides and the other team is a job to capture all of them.
And there was like, you know, a home base and there was like where they locked you up.
And so we would have the whole apartment complex and there was hills and grass.
There was some things in it.
So we would go out and play manhunt all day.
And it was so intense that like there was a time where like we split up and used to hide.
I got so into it.
I used to put like on camouflage and I used to like burrow under bushes.
Really?
Yeah.
We got that intense with it.
You think that perfume would give you away?
Absolutely.
Yeah.
It's like, there he is.
I smell lilac.
I remember one time I went under this bush up on this little like hill.
Like, and I mean, if you could find a good spot, great.
And you stayed there and you would hear, like you would hear like screaming and running like in, you know, and you would, oh, he's getting caught.
And then you would have to come out.
And if they were in the jail, you can, if you got there and tagged them, you would free them again.
But if you got caught, like now it's high stakes, right?
Because if you, let's say three, three people are your friends are POWs, right?
And now you got to go get, now there's five people still searching for only two of you.
And like now they got people guarding the jail.
So they're hunting you down.
And now you got to get past that guy who's already guarding it.
And then when once he yells, it's a swarm.
So it's a really, it really like you had to get strategy with it.
So I would commit to it.
So one time I dug under, I mean, I went under a bush, dude, and I put like dirt.
I was like, and I was looking and now 20 minutes, 30 minutes, 40 minutes.
Hour was easy.
I'm talking like, dude, I'm talking like two plus hours.
Wow.
And I stopped hearing everybody.
And like, I was like, do I come out?
Like, I don't, I don't, like, this is a great spot.
It was, I swear to God, it was getting dark out.
And that's what I was like, I don't hear anybody.
It's getting dark.
Like, and so I came out.
It was like two, two and a half hours.
I was, I was under the, so behind, who has the time to lay in the dirt for two and a half hours just to play a game?
This is what I want to go back to.
But I came out and I started looking for them and I can't even find them, dude.
And we lived in this apartment and I lived on the second floor.
My friend lived on the first floor and I said, I'm just going to go home.
And I start to go home and I hear people.
I hear people and they're all singing happy birthday.
And I hear like, and it's coming from the first floor of my friend's house, one of my best friend's house that lives there.
All the windows are open.
I'm like, what the hell?
And I look in.
Everybody's in there for a birthday party.
Just having a birthday party.
They're already at the cake.
They already got the cake.
And I was just in the dirt for two and a half hours, just like hoping not to get caught by these.
And the crazy part was, there was nobody to tell that story to.
It's just like you get inside.
It's like, do you want some cake?
It's like, guys, like you usually like, all right, we're calling it.
You know what I mean?
But a lot of bad intel.
Comes at a different time.
Yeah, dude.
It was like, I mean, I had nothing.
I used to come over.
One time we moved, I moved in my grandparents when I was around just after fifth grade.
And I moved in with my grandparents.
And then I moved away from those people.
And they didn't live in the best neighborhood.
And so we weren't really allowed to go outside.
It was like a really bad neighbor.
Like you would hear like gunshots and stuff.
Oh, yeah.
Like just in the summer, we didn't have air conditioning.
So like we had all the windows open and you just hear like pop pop pop pop.
Like you just, it was normal.
But my grandparents lived there for like 50, 60 years.
And so we lived downstairs from them for a bit when we were trying to get our footing or whatever.
And I had nobody.
It was just me and my sister.
So I'd get home from school and like I had not like nothing and I just would like whatever.
Like that's why I was beating Mike Tyson like one hand behind my back.
But I remember one time I was I was like, maybe I'll get a pet.
So I used to.
I don't know if you ever had these county, like these fairs or these festivals at your school.
Yeah, yeah.
They did.
They would come like fetty eggs and stuff.
We would have different things.
Like they would come like Carney, like you would open up the truck.
It was like a Ferris wheel.
And like a little, like, they would come for like a few days, like a mini little, what do you call them?
Like, not carnival, but like a, you know, like a fair.
A fair.
Yeah.
We just had a carney in here, actually, which was pretty cool.
But we, yeah, we had fairs too.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
I can't never tell if you're joking.
We had a Carney in here.
You said that.
We had a carney.
How did you book one?
We had a Carney in here, actually.
How did you book one?
We just searched for him.
Ah, we searched for him.
We found a decent guy.
But yeah, but they had fairs too.
Yeah, I know what you're talking about.
So we had these fairs.
You had to come to your school?
Yeah, they would post up in the parking lot.
And it was also a way for the school to raise money because it would also be like casino night at the church.
So like the parents, they would get, you know, so it was like.
But they had those games that I would come home with like a stuffed down, you know, whatever.
And they had this thing where you threw a ping pong ball in the goldfish in these little, you know, there was like maybe a grid, like 20 by 20 grid of these little bowls with goldfish in them.
And then it was like, it was like 50 cents.
You threw a ball.
If a ping pong ball landed in the thing, they bagged up the goldfish for you.
And they gave it to you.
Yeah, they shouldn't be doing that.
I mean, if you think about it, people don't give goldfish any respect at all.
Like they're just as good as nothing.
They're like ants.
Like, you know, it's not fair.
People eat them and throw them back up.
Like Steve.
But goldfish get a really bad, they're really born into a bad life if you think about it.
They don't have a memory.
They don't, a lot of them are used just to feed other fish.
It's almost sex trafficked almost in a way.
It's really bad.
Yes.
And if you're a goldfish, I mean, I don't know, man.
I just, a goldfish is a terrible life.
You get split from your family, you know.
You don't even know who your family is.
You don't know who your family is.
You get immediately put, you either live alone for your whole life or you get thrown in with people you don't want to be with.
Yeah.
You know, and then you usually die of an infection.
You know, your eye is like has a big freaking like cotton ball on it or something like that.
And like, and you die slow.
Yeah.
Nobody knew how to reverse a goldfish death when I was young.
You got it.
And then when it started to die, you're like, oh, there's the white stuff.
Couple weeks now.
He's got a couple.
And then like you just walk, you'd still feed him and you just watch him with like one flip or you'd stare at this thing looking at you like I am.
I have been dying for two weeks.
You know?
So as a matter of fact, I gotta, so I would get them and bring them home and like, oh, this is gonna be like, I pass the time.
I have something to take care of now.
Yeah.
My mom never knew, I never got the setup.
She never got me a tank, a filtration system.
I didn't know you needed a filtration system.
Yeah.
I did not know because when you threw the ball in the bank, there was no filtration and they just threw them in that water.
Well, you know, that water has to be cycled and filtered, whatever.
Those are all goners.
And if the ping pong ball don't hit, they're dying anyway, right?
It's like a kill shelter basically for fish, right?
And so I would bring them home and I would put them in a salad bowl.
I just fill up tap water, throw them in a salad bowl.
In a salad bowl.
Dude, I just, I was like, this is as big as, this is eight times bigger than where he came from.
He's like the Jeffersons right now.
He's moving on up this thing.
I'm in a big salad bowl, right?
And I would just, bread.
It was white bread.
I would just put white bread in that.
And I was like, what the?
Because I'm a kid.
What are you making a sandwich?
Dude, when we were a kid and we went fishing at the lake, we would ball up Wonderbread till it became like a ball.
And then put it on the hook and we did it with Wonderbread.
So I would just feed it Wonderbread.
And, you know, it wasn't until way after that I realized the fish would eat, like I would break it and throw it in chunks and it would suck it right in and then shoot it right back out.
You know, some of them wouldn't come back out, but most of them would shoot back out.
And I'd be like, I just was like, he's full.
But I guess he just didn't want white bread.
They can take it in.
Yeah.
So I would, so they would always die.
So I felt so bad.
So then I realized one day, like, I was like, the fish store, because there was a fish store near my cousin's house that we used to, it was on the same square block.
We weren't allowed to cross the street.
So we can go to the fish store without crossing the street.
So one day I'm in there and I'm like, oh, there's these bubbles.
Like, I don't have that.
I got to get bubbles.
Yeah.
So one time I went in and I brought a fish home.
My mom wasn't home from work yet.
And I was like, I got to, I don't want this fish to die.
And so I took a straw and I put it in the fish bowl, in the salad bowl, and I blew into the salad bowl to keep the fish alive.
I blew bubbles for three hours until she got home at six o'clock.
Thing was dead that night.
I'm blowing carbon dioxide directly into the thing.
I literally was like, literally poisoned the fish.
I'm sitting there going, and I named him, I named him Harry.
And I remember because I named every fish and they all died very quickly.
And so I was, here I am, three hours blowing with a straw.
And I just thought the bubbles did it.
Damn.
So finally, when I got older, my niece won a fish and she brought it home.
Well, maybe my little sister or my niece won a fish, brought it home.
And was it beautiful?
Was it big?
It was little.
It was a little, right?
But I was like, I'm not.
I was like, I'm not letting this happen to this fish.
This is going to be different.
I was like 20, 20. I was probably 23, 24. Who am I if I continue to let this happen?
Went right to the store, bought the whole setup.
I came home, rocks, like coral, fake coral.
Yeah, castle, a little DMV in there.
I had the treasure chest and like a little, like, like a little DMV kind of thing.
A little perk dealer.
Yeah, yeah.
I got, yeah, all that.
I had the whole neighborhood in there, right?
All the people in the neighborhood.
But I had all those accoutrements and I got into it.
You buy the rocks.
I don't know if you ever had a fish, but then you have to, like, you roll the rocks through a strainer because the dye has to come off a little bit.
And you put them in there.
I got so into this.
I bought medicine, food.
I bought all like, I would do the water.
I would test it to pH, put all the, I would, what do you call it?
I would, what do you call it?
Condition the water.
Oh, yeah.
And I took this fish and I had it for six or seven years.
Right.
And the fish became like this big.
And I don't know if it's a thing, but I would just feed the fish.
I would put my hand and the fish would eat out of my hand.
That might be one any of them do, but it really felt like we had something.
Like if I put my hand there, he didn't jolt away.
Right.
He would just like go.
He would like go in my hand and just like stay there.
Oh.
You know?
And so seven.
you don't see a lot of that.
You don't see that now these days with goldfish with people like that, right?
Anyway, one day he died, or whatever.
And I think, I honestly think he was murdered.
I really do.
I'm not making a joke.
I know it sounds like a one.
I think, I think that it was a spot.
I think maybe got murdered out of spite from somebody in my house.
I think, or a friend, because I had just done the clean the fish tank.
He was in perfect health.
I just did a full fish tank cleaning.
You did it like every three weeks.
I mean, I dumped it out.
I put him in another bucket.
You had to do this whole thing.
You put half of the water in the bucket with him because you want it to stay like the ecosystem that water.
Oh, yeah, it's like FEMA or whatever.
Yeah, exactly.
I was basically like Red Cross.
Yeah, my cousin worked for FEMA for a while.
They had to do all that shit.
He'd be fucking putting wet people in shoeboxes for two hours while they fucking vacuum out there.
I was FEMA.
And I tested everything.
I had his science thing seven years, right?
And it looked beautiful too.
It flourished, right?
Then the next day, he was in the clean water, just dead.
Not even a slow death, just dead.
I suspect foul play.
But this fish moved with me to three different locations.
Okay.
So I'm in the third location that I've owned this fish in in seven years, and that's where he died.
And it was a summer, and I felt guilty.
I didn't want to flush the fish.
It just felt disrespectful.
Seven years, I'm going to flush.
And it was hyped too.
Are you in New York at that time?
Yeah.
I don't want to put the fish that I called my friend where I, you know, where people shit.
Yeah, that's a good point, actually.
Hey, fish, I love you.
Yeah.
People, that's nothing.
People just flush the goldfish when they die.
It's so disrespectful.
They have no platform, no voice.
Anyway, I didn't want to.
You're right.
They don't.
People don't get it.
I didn't want to.
So I was, I'm going to bury it in the yard.
Yeah.
And it was a summer, and I just didn't want to bury it because I felt like it was going to stink and decompose and stuff.
Maybe it'd be dug up by like a raccoon.
And so I was like, I have to wait till cooler weather.
And so I...
I did.
Wow.
How did I tell you this story?
No.
Because I told it before.
I was thinking, what would somebody do?
I put it in tinfoil and I put it in my freezer.
Yeah.
And, you know, I kind of half and half, half was I forgot about it.
And like maybe I missed a cycle.
Or maybe you don't want to remember because it's painful too.
Sometimes your brain will hide information.
Yeah, like I had to unearth it in therapy or something.
But one thing led to another.
And a few warm seasons passed and I still hadn't done it.
And then it got to the point where I was like, I don't know.
I just felt bad.
I was like, whenever I, I just felt bad.
And then I moved.
It could have been toxic shock syndrome or something.
You know, a lot of animals, if they move too many times, they get really sick.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, I have to worry about that with him because he was dead.
Oh, another thing was I thought that they only died when I was like, it's bad luck to name him.
So I never, I had this fish in the 70s.
I didn't name him.
Oh, that would kill anyone.
I called him fish.
It was fine.
He didn't care.
And I moved and I and then I moved.
I took the stuff from my fridge and freezer with me.
It's not like I'm going to throw stuff out.
I took him.
I moved again.
So I moved from.
What kind of compartment is he in?
Are you keeping him in a little bowl or a little bag with water in it?
It's tinfoil.
Okay.
He's not in water.
And so the place I had him.
He's had like a couple grams of a fish rolled up in tinfoil?
It's like this big of a fish.
And it's in my freezer right now.
He's in my freezer.
He's in my freezer right now.
And it has been since he died.
It has been 2010.
It's been about 12 years since he's died.
And I have I moved into the house 2010 that he died in.
And then when I moved to my next house in 2015, he was already dead.
So he died somewhere between 2010 and 2012, 2013.
The fish is frozen in my freezer right this very, very second.
Wow, still today.
Today, 12 years, I have a frozen fish in there.
I've told the story in my pockets and people started sending me fish coffins, little fish coffins.
And I was going to actually have a funnerl for him.
Yeah.
I was literally going to, because I told him my pod years ago, and so people started sending him in.
And we were going to do like a Patreon funnel for him.
Oh, man.
And then, you know what?
I ended up taking him.
I hadn't done it, but we talked about it.
So I got him out of the, I used to film it at my house.
I got him out of the freezer and I opened it.
No way.
Yeah, I was scared.
I did.
Yeah.
He's still there.
I put him back in, but I was scared to do it.
Did he have any, how did he look?
It wasn't good.
You know, it was, he was still whole.
Yeah.
But he was, I mean, very, very, very light gold.
Yeah.
If there was even a, it was a gradient.
It was maybe like a 10% gold.
Zirconium, maybe?
Yeah.
It was like, it was like whitish.
It might have been close to white, which is a hint of gold.
And his eyes.
It was like the cheapest high school ring you could get.
Exactly right.
Yeah.
Yeah, that was.
He turned.
Local gold or whatever.
They would have like a term.
They'd be like, oh, yeah.
Special zone, like mountain gold or something.
Just something they tried to sell you on.
Yeah.
Yeah, that turned.
And his eyes, they were like not there.
He had like the sockets, but the balls, they were kind of not there.
I don't know what happens to balls when you freeze them over time if you're a gold.
Well, I'll say this.
We had a guy named Max Moore on, and he runs the Cryonics Institute, which is where they freeze people in Arizona.
How was that conversation?
It was interesting.
I don't know if it's a scam or not.
I believe that in theory, it's a good idea.
I really wonder about that.
I really do.
But they keep bodies in these big vats of nitrogen, and they just keep them at really low temperatures in the hopes that one day they'll be able to.
Yeah, like Walt Disney and Kalashimski, right?
Yeah, like start them back up.
Yeah.
That's wild, though.
Would you do it?
I mean, some people like it's all the same.
You're gone.
You're gone.
Why not put it in there and see if the...
Because, like, what do you want to wake up to?
Like, let's say in 300 years, they can bring you back.
Because it's like, you know, they find the technology is there and they become prize-picked.
You know no one.
You know no one.
You know nothing of that world.
It's like, yeah, you're just being, yeah, like this draft is brought to you by prize picks.
and you're just drafting you back into time.
That's definitely going to be what it's like when you think about it in the future.
You're going to be able to create your own player like you can do on video games, but out of DNA that's actually in labs, you're going to be able to create your own like player that will play in like some special gym universe somewhere and that will actually eventually go onto the court and play.
Like that's going to be a real thing people can do.
I have my DNA and sperm stored, yeah.
And I just did, I just did the 23andMe premium package.
Really?
What did it what?
And how I mailed it out.
I mailed it out 10 days ago.
It's like five to six weeks.
It comes back.
I've always wanted, dude, 20 years ago, I've always been like, I need to know as far back as I can go.
I need to.
It's so fascinating to me.
Oh, yeah.
I've used to be on that show.
Oh, with histories.
It's like, hey, this is where you're from.
There's two of them.
Like, one's a PBS version and one's like a, and it's just like, where you came from, whatever it's called.
I've been asking them for years because they do all the legwork.
The black people one's always just Chicago.
It's like, you're from Chicago.
You're like, it's not fair.
There's been some crazy ones, though.
Like, I've seen people go on there, like, celebrities and then realize that they came from like really bad people.
Yeah, I've seen that, dude.
I've seen, dude, I got, I did my 23rd.
I was like 40% thousand island dressing.
I feel like they're all the thousand island.
I don't know.
That dressing went downhill, didn't it?
Yeah.
I never liked it.
Wow.
Yeah.
It's doing too much.
It's also a mystery to me.
It's like kind of like orange, right?
Yeah, it's like an orangey mayonette.
It kind of feels mayonnaise.
I don't like a mayonnaetic base.
I don't like it.
But you did do it or no, you didn't do it?
French dressing was big, remember?
Yeah.
Yeah.
You don't hear much about French dressing anymore.
Everything's a vinaigrette now.
Yeah, it's vinaigrette.
It's ranch or it's blue cheese.
French never lost blue cheese, yeah.
I don't like ranch either.
French was very scary to be a child and they would have French.
Oh, thank you.
It was orange, right?
No.
No, orange was Thousand Island.
But there was a really fine orange.
Wasn't French the liquor.
No, that was the Italian one was like the oil-based.
Yeah, you're right.
Yeah, there it is.
No, I wouldn't fuck with French.
French was very scary.
It doesn't look appealing.
No.
I'm not a big salad dressing guy.
I'll do a little red wine vinegar.
I just stick to that.
But I'll eat some blue cheese.
But what the hell is that?
Did you really do the 23andMe on that?
Yeah.
So what did you know?
Because I did this one now where you could find out.
You can go back.
It says, I mean, hundreds of years.
Like they tell you, like, really?
I read a review where the guy was like, I found out that like my great, great, great, great, I'm not joking.
And I was like, he's like, I found out like my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather died by an arrow.
That's the kind of detail he got.
I don't know how, but I read it and I was like, hell yes, I want to know all of this.
Yeah.
You know, I can't wait for the results to come back.
I can't wait.
I've done ancestry.
I know my, I know my breakdown, but I didn't do it where it's like genetic testing.
I did that.
Traits, you know, predispositions, everything.
Like if you're a night person, what stuff you should eat and not eat.
And then as much history of your family tree as possible.
Yeah, do you think you want to know all that?
I guess sometimes I like to do that.
I really do.
I think mystery.
I really do.
Well, I've lived with a mystery for 40-something years already.
Now I want to know.
You know what I mean?
I just feel like, you know, I don't know.
How do you not, you don't really know your, you know yourself, but you got to know.
I have a longing to know exactly where I came from.
Was it a big thing in y'all's house?
Did y'all's family was like, this is where you're from?
Because that is the thing that I feel like is very important that should be in more homes probably is like, this is who your grandfather was.
And this is like where our bloodline comes from.
And this is what we've been through.
Everybody should know that.
We didn't do it at all.
And I think that's why I long for it.
Like, I knew one great grandparent when she died.
She passed away at 99 and I was still young.
And then I had a very great relationship with my four grandparents.
I mean, very close.
And I still have one of my grandmas.
And they all, luckily, I had them until a decent age.
So I was really, really tight.
And I was like, I just wish I knew, you know, about, you know, you blow your mind thinking about like, even just go back.
It's crazy that we don't even know our great-grandparents.
Never mind, just a few times removed.
You know, just how about great-great-great?
No idea.
And that shit's like, that's long enough ago to be like, oh, he was a, you know, he was a, you know, a blacksmith.
I don't even know that.
You know what I mean?
He lived.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, yeah, a lot of times you just know like, oh, my grandpa drove a van or whatever.
What the fuck?
The guy lived a whole life.
Right.
You created your dad.
Right.
And all you know is that he smoked Palma.
He smoked a hand?
Yeah.
That's all you know.
He smoked unfiltered cigarettes and the guy lived.
Yeah.
He had a chicken coop.
Yeah.
That's really it, though, right?
That's it.
Like, oh, yeah.
Everybody likes to almost, yeah, there's like, there's this mystery.
Whereas I think a long time ago, there used to be a lot more probably familiar lore that was passed down.
And now it's just like a lot of that's not present in a lot of families.
Like my dad, dude, I remember my dad was like, he'd be like, I think my dad liked to drink a pretty good bit.
Like my dad was very, my dad was born in, he was, he was 70 when I was born, so he was an older guy.
He was like, remember you talked about that in your first special?
Yeah, he was like by, you know, in a lot of ways.
But yeah, he was like, he would, my dad would like drive us to school or something.
My dad's car, he always hit stuff with his car.
So he always had like spare tires in his car.
Like in the backseat was stacked with fucking tires that were blown out or ones that was still usable, dude.
And so a lot of times you just get in the backseat of his car.
So you'd like he'd take me to school sometimes and I would get out and all my clothes and skin would be just covered in like black tire box.
Like I just wandered to school, dude.
Like just trying, like I'm a diversity hire.
Big pen from peanuts.
Yeah, like yeah.
Like I'm part of the diversity.
Coal miner.
Yeah, that was like a five-year-old coal miner.
And then, yeah, he just always like, you know, he just, so that was very, so, you, so, what did you know of your grandfather then?
Oh, I didn't know.
Your paternal.
Oh, my.
I knew we had a step-grandpa that would smoke a lot of cigarettes, you know, and he would wear his, like, he used to wear motorcycle goggles, even when he was just sitting on the porch for a long time.
He wore like that, he had like that old school kind of motorcycle hat with the goggles, you know?
He just wore it on the porch.
And he'd sit on the porch and just, I think he wanted people to know he was about to go ride his motorcycle all the time.
I want to know that guy, you know?
And he wore like a onesie kind of like a, but a worker's onesie.
Oh, like, like a, like a, yeah, like a, like a, like a, like a Dickie's, like a jumpsuit thing.
Yeah.
And he worked at a factory and stuff like that.
Oh, see, yeah, this is like, yeah, that's like a salt of the, that's like, that's what I'm talking about.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
I want to know that.
Like, I don't know, man.
I, I, and, you know, my grandparents all had like eight or nine siblings.
Yeah.
That's a big, you know what I mean?
But what did your dad do?
Did he do, is your dad kind of a neat guy?
Do you have any good, like, cool memories about him when he was a kid?
My dad?
Yeah.
Well, he's, he's still with me, luckily.
Yeah.
Oh, my dad.
Do you have just like memories when you were a kid of like your dad?
Like, what was your, oh, like, my dad would have these big shoes that we would put on sometimes, and that was pretty cool.
My dad would put his shirt.
Sometimes he would take his shirt off.
He likes to drink, and he would have a couple of drinks or whatever.
And then he would just take his shirt off and like button it up like in front of us.
And he'd be like, oh, you got my shirt on, huh?
And he would say stuff like that.
And then he would just pass out on the couch.
Sounds like a very warm guy.
Just the physicality that you become when you're talking to him.
Like, you got a shirt on.
Put a shirt on.
He'd be like, you got my shirt on?
Like that was his like playing with us or whatever.
Who wants to wear my shirt?
And you were just, your eyes were burning with like brute and like old spice.
He's like, you ain't got my shirt on.
And by the time you got the shirt off or whatever, he would just be like asleep on the couch.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He'd be like, this is good.
My dad, you know, I'm lucky.
I have a real good relationship.
He's like my best friend, really.
You know, growing up is cool.
You know, I got hit by a car with him.
My body got not in a car accident.
We were playing Frisbee in a parking lot by my house.
And it was a gated parking lot.
And it was like one of those posts, those like CW, not CW.
What do you call those?
Those are those veteran VW posts.
Yeah.
You know what I'm saying?
And it was like a big parking lot and it was gated.
So VFW.
VFW.
It was like, yeah.
And so we used to play like stick ball and that thing and like hockey and things like that.
And so they would, but because it was always closed when it wasn't an event, it was just a big empty parking lot and it was gated and it was pretty big for a kid.
Like it was like, you know, it was a good, like, I would call it maybe about 100 and maybe 25 feet long, something like that or more, you know, and pretty wide.
And in the buildings we lived in, it was right in the front of them, those buildings.
And he was, he had like so many jobs and he was a superintendent of those buildings.
So he had an office there and we also lived there.
And I would go visit him in the office and go around and like help him fix, watch him fix like, you know, things.
Oh, he was a super.
Yeah, he was a super.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
And he was also a garbage man, but he did both.
And so he had an office.
He used to lift weights in there.
And I used to go hang out with him and the guys that worked there and everything.
They had like posters of girls on the wall in the office and like they played darts and stuff.
But my dad, like, he didn't drink.
He wasn't like a, he wasn't into sports.
He didn't drink.
He just was like, I don't know, man.
He just, he was very unique.
He's a healthy guy, very into fitness.
But, but, you know, I hung out with him a lot.
And so he took me one day.
I'll never forget.
He's like, come on, we're going to go play.
And he threw, it was a Coca-Cola, Red Coca-Cola Frisbee.
And we went down the block.
We went in there.
Not a car in the place.
Gates closed.
And we're throwing the frisbee back and forth.
I'm young.
I'm probably, I was like five, six years old, tops.
And, you know, I don't even know to this day, I can't really throw a frisbee.
I throw the one that just does that.
Oh, really?
Yeah, you can throw a frisbee?
Yeah, yeah.
It must feel like a superpower.
It does feel good when you learn it because when you don't know how to do it as a dude, it is a questionable look.
Yeah, I mean, it's anybody's guess when I throw it how it's going to look.
If it's going to just sail to the right, if it's going to wobble, if it's going to hit the floor, like, you know, can you throw it like that?
Huh?
No, that dude is also closet engaged.
Yeah.
I'll throw it like a regular dude.
Yeah, and bless him, yeah.
But that dude is like, yeah, any of that dude.
That dude's trying to steal your lady, too.
He's skipping it.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, he's skipping it off of a fucking Toyota Tercel or whatever.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, that's a show off.
Yeah.
Nobody likes a show off.
That's what I don't like is that guy.
Yeah, I could just make sure I get it to where it's going.
In the area.
So if we were playing, if we haven't, is it a fret?
A catch?
Having a catch, yeah.
Having a frisbee?
Having a frisbee catch?
Throwing frisbee.
If we're throwing a frisbee, I could be far away from you and you could be like, I got you.
I got you.
You get me?
God, that's really, that's really nice.
Do you have to spin in a full circle before you let it go or no?
Can you just do that?
No, I didn't really throw it like a disc because I had no skill whatsoever in that department.
So I would just like, you know, let it go.
Yeah.
And sorry.
It's all, dude.
What happened to me, I had a traumatic experience.
I've seen three gay dudes throwing a frisbee in a Hampton Inn hot tub, like a big hot tub.
And to this day, yeah.
That had to be bigger than the place, the tub to play Navy in because they were throwing the frisbee?
Well, they were all just sitting there, just kind of throwing it to each other.
And it was just the most craziest thing I'd ever seen in my life.
Wait, what was crazy?
The fact that they, it was like kind of like a little sport and they were only sitting like four feet from each other.
And that they kept throwing this little frisbee to each other.
I love that you described that.
Would you say a dramatic?
Would you say a crazy experience?
It fucking broke my heart.
Because that's when I knew that our military was done.
That's when I knew, dude.
Oh, God.
To me, it sounds like a party broke out, though.
Yeah, you're right.
I think I got to.
And a lot of it for me is a perspective issue.
It's like I show up.
It is, man.
I show up with a negative perspective.
I'm like, I love you.
Look at these guys.
Look at these Air Force guys or whatever.
Oh, I must have missed that part.
They were in the Air Force?
Oh, no, no, no.
Uh-oh.
They were in the Navy, probably.
You saw you weren't in the tub and you're just having like PTSD on the negative point.
Was it you?
A lot of that experiences.
Oh, yeah.
That's hilarious.
Well, mine went wide, and it was our neighborhood.
And my dad saw a guy that he knew walking by in the street outside the other side of the gate.
And so he was like, he just walked over to the gate to say hello to his friend.
And he's at the gate talking to his friend.
And he threw it to me.
And it was like over, it went over there.
So I was like, all right, I was walking to go get it.
I mean, there was two things in this parking lot, me and my dad.
And so I'm walking to get the Frisbee.
And then I look up and from the other side of the parking lot, I see a station wagon is now in the parking lot.
And it's driving toward me.
And even at that age, I'm like, I hadn't, I didn't, there's no way he didn't see it.
It wasn't like, oh my God, a car's coming.
Yeah.
I was just like, I know he saw me.
And I'm walking to get the thing and he's driving toward it as well.
And I remember it so vividly.
I got to the Coca-Cola Frisbee and I looked down and I looked and the car was still coming at me.
Yeah, it wasn't going that fast.
I'm sure it was going like 10 miles an hour or whatever, something like that.
And I went to go pick up the Frisbee.
And my dad's talking.
He's not looking.
And I go to pick up the Frisbee.
I remember I picked it up and I dropped it.
I fumbled it and it dropped back down.
And I had this moment of, do I pick it back up right now?
Or did I get out of it?
Like, I just remember being like, it happened fast.
And I went to pick it back up.
And the next thing when I woke up, I was in my dad's arms.
He was running with me in his arms and to get in his car.
And we had to take me to the hospital.
I didn't get any broken bones or anything.
I got bruised up.
But yeah, I blacked out completely.
The car hit me.
Now, now in hindsight, I know the story.
Like my dad got, my dad got so mad.
Like he turned around.
He just, I don't know what you must think to see your five-year-old get hit by a car.
Yeah.
And I didn't know this till later on, but I found out that he just went nuts and he ran up, the guy hit the thing and he ran up to the car and he was like, just punching, like, get out of the car, just punch in the car.
And the guy wouldn't get it.
He's like, get the, and he's trying to rip it.
And my, my dad's friend goes, Sal, Sal, don't worry about that.
Getting his son.
You know, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he was like, oh, and they just grabbed me and we ran to the hospital.
He was punching the car, you know?
My dad was a big guy, you know?
He was punching the car and everything.
And then, yeah, so I got him.
It's like, stick with, stay with me.
I'll be right with you.
Smash.
It later turned out that it was one of my kids in my grammar school's grandfather.
But anyway, and I guess we sued him.
But it was like, man, it was really a disappointment of a lawsuit.
Yeah.
Because I got five, I mean, I was like, what was it?
It was like probably 1981.
But I got 5,000 bucks.
It's a lot of money then.
Yeah.
Or just it for inflation from 81. Hit me out.
And then I couldn't touch it till I was 18. And so when it was 18, it was 12 grand when I was 18. It was 12 when you were 18?
Yeah, I think 12, 13 grand.
That's about it.
5,000 to.
That's a lot of money.
12 grand with 18 years.
Yeah.
What would you do with it?
You know, I don't really know ultimately, but I'll tell you what I thought I was going to do with it.
I thought I was going to buy an engagement ring with it.
Yeah, that's what I told her.
I was like, oh, I'm going to just take this money to buy you an engagement ring.
Yeah.
I love that you've taken like a like a like a knee from me so many times.
I started with the gout.
So many times you're really like, I've, you've, you really felt my pain.
Thanks, man.
Yeah.
It's, I mean, that's a fucking God.
Yeah.
When I get, I'm going to get her that ring and we're going to get a little home or something.
It sounds like there's so much, like I haven't spoken about, like, it's just, it sounds right now that I'm like, yeah, man, my life with this woman.
And I'm still thinking about it.
It's like, I didn't even remember that I was going to do that.
But when you asked me, I was like, I think, yeah, I remember telling her that, like, I'm going to get you a ring with this money.
Yeah.
I think, yeah.
Well, I remember a girl, she broke out with me and then I got in like, oh, I'm going to, I remember calling her mom, I'm going to buy her a ring, you know, and like, I took that avenue one time.
Like, I was, I was just, yeah, doing that stuff and planning ahead is relationships are fucking hard, especially when you're just figuring out about love and am I in love?
What's going on, you know?
How many, how many, have you been in love?
Yeah, I've been in love, man.
How many times?
You know, I think maybe three, four times, I think.
You know?
That's about right.
So that's about, I think three for me.
I got to start dating towards a family, you know?
Do you want one?
I think so.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Because otherwise, I'm like, what happens if you don't get one?
Then you are, are you, it's sometimes it gets a little strange when I still go like to people's things or something and it's just me.
I get that.
Yeah.
I get that.
It's like, I got to start bringing somebody.
Do you want to bring some boot?
Like, you know, you don't want to bring like something that's not like potential.
Yeah.
Right, right, right, right.
So wait, so are you feeling pressure just externally because of those situations and maybe your age?
Or are you feeling internally, biologically, like, I long for this and I feel like I'm ready to, I feel like I'm kind of ready to start a family?
Are you feeling that?
Are you like, yeah, I think it's a little bit of both.
I think it's like, if I'm going to do it, I have to do it at some point.
Do you feel or I'm going to be like my dad?
Right.
You know, or not really, but I'll be, you know, I see what you're saying, a parallel, yeah.
You know, but I think there's part of me in that that's always like, oh, you could do it whenever I think that could have been my mindset that I got too.
You know?
Yeah.
Like I can always, yeah.
So you want to put my shirt on?
I don't know, man.
I got to set you up with somebody or something.
I don't know.
I don't really play Matchmaker, but keep your ears open.
People sometimes try to matchmake me, but I just got to be more like.
But you're not looking for it?
I mean, I'm keeping my eyes open.
Nashville is kind of tough because it's a lot of like college and then a lot of married.
Also now, you know, you're so famous.
Like you're famous.
You got to, like, how you meet someone has to be a little more intricate now.
Like, you got to make sure you meet someone, you're investing your time in someone for the right reasons.
And like, that was the thing with me.
Like, my girl that I'm with now, I've been with since before I was like in the public.
You know what I mean?
It was like, it was like right, just like right about that time.
But I've known her.
I knew her like I would say like seven, eight years before, even before that.
Yeah.
So, you know, I didn't have to navigate being in the public like this and then trying to put myself out there for somebody like that, you know, be vulnerable and invest that kind of time and not, you know.
Yeah, it gets a little spooky because some of you're afraid to like message somebody if you like if you meet somebody online, you know, and you don't want to feel forced to like have to meet somebody that's also in like has, you know, I would love to just meet a, yeah, I just want to meet whoever I'm supposed to meet.
Yeah.
So I just want to make sure I'm able to be like in a good space, you know, and just be ready.
Yeah.
You know?
Yeah.
And I just feel like a little bit of that kind of change and like, I think I'm ready for something a little bit more realistic.
You know?
Yeah.
I never really talk about it.
I never talk about it, but I, yeah, I was, I was 43. I'm married.
I'm married.
I never really talk about it at all.
But people know that I'm with my lady for a very long time.
I always read her.
Yeah, you know her.
She's wonderful.
You've known her since back.
Cute too.
Sorry.
I should have said she's wonderful.
I'll say that.
Beautiful.
She's my best friend.
That's what I was going to say.
Yeah.
I was going to say beautiful, but then I'm like, dude, you can't say beautiful to the guy.
That's you say cute, right?
Is cute weird?
Anyway.
I'm going to pretend I didn't say anything.
Yeah, honestly, dude, I'm so, so private.
I just never want to, privacy is like the last thing I have.
You know, once I give it away, I can't get it back.
And it's just weird because I've spent a decade on television as myself.
And so there's like, there's a different type of filter between me and the people that enjoy what I do and stuff.
And there's a familiarity and it's like good and bad.
So some people are like just very curious because I am so private.
So that kind of brings Stokes curiosity.
But then also just sometimes people like, they just feel like they know me.
And so like there's a little bit of a line crossing that I was very private my whole life.
So this is like to the umpteenth for me, you know?
So like I just keep it, I just keep that to the best because it really, what is, what does it matter?
What does that detail matter to me?
Right.
It doesn't matter.
You know, and I, but, but it's able to speak freely about your own life.
I do.
That's exactly right.
That's exactly right.
And I, I do want to talk about my own life.
And I was, I was, what I was saying was my next special that I'm working on now, I am going to like, I want to do it on my own terms and stuff.
So I am like going to be speaking about, you know, her on stage and stuff.
So I was like, you know what?
I just got to like, you know, just put it out there and stuff.
It's important.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, yeah, it's interesting.
It's like you want to be able to be yourself.
At the same time, you want to protect the few things you have that feel like that they aren't public.
And protect her as a person.
Because like, you know, you know how, you know, the internet is and all that stuff.
It's just like, it is, you know, and I just like, I don't like it.
You know, I want to keep the people I love the most away from it, you know.
But, but there's a sense of me that also wants to speak about my life.
And, you know, and, you know, I mean, like, I love her.
She's my best friend.
I talk about her.
But like, she's always like, you know, if you say it, you say it, you know, but, you know, she's like, I don't mind if you, you know, you know, and I'm like, I just want to say, but once I say it, you know, it's just a thing, you know?
I don't know if I make more of it than it should be in my own head.
But yeah, dude, I've never really said it.
So I think one other time.
Dang.
Yeah.
Well, yeah, thanks for talking about it, man.
I felt.
You make me comfortable.
Thanks, bro.
There's been times in my life where I didn't want to say that I was dating somebody because I would think I was worried about what people would think or people would try to find that person.
Yes.
But then at some points, I felt bad that I didn't try and honor them a little bit more, or if they felt like that, you know.
That's the struggle I have, you know, and she's very understanding.
She's the best.
But like, you know, so it's like that balancing, it's balancing all those things, you know?
And so it's even like, it feels weird for me to even say it out loud.
Yeah, I can tell you it's a little bit of nervous energy.
Yeah, because once I, you know, once it's out of the bag, it's out of the bag, but it's like, we can always take it out too.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
100%.
If you just, you know, if you think about that, totally fine.
Yeah, right on.
I mean, do you want to talk about building a family or you don't want to go into that?
You think you're okay?
That's really going there, but I guess I'm going to do it as well.
mean I don't know that's yeah I mean like I just said I have a kid it's like it's you You don't feel like I think you have to or anything at all.
No, not at all, babe.
Not at all.
I feel totally comfortable.
I'm just saying to myself, like, do I want to?
Dude, I have never, you know, really said it.
It's like, you know, I just want to, you know, but, and I, so it's, yeah, it's just like, here it is.
Does it feel scary to admit to yourself, you think?
No, I fuck.
I mean, if in my regular life, I don't even, like, if you come up to me with my wife, this is my kid.
Like, I don't, it's, that's real life.
Right.
But why do people that see me for 22 minutes a week on TV need to know that?
Why do people, you know what I mean?
Like, in real life, I honor my real life, you know, but this is just like, this is entertainment for you.
I don't know if I want to invite you in.
Like, I don't want people to be like, come up to me, like, hey, how's your wife?
Like, it's like, you know, but that's a good point.
Yeah, but, but with, so it's even like, I think it's a little like more with the daughter.
Yeah.
It's like super protective, you know what I mean?
But, but I, it's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I mean, if I start talking about her, man, I'll get tears in my eyes.
And like, so, so that I love her so much.
I want to express that, you know?
Yeah.
I'm so scared.
I'm so scared too.
What do you think?
Yeah, I don't know.
You know, I don't have that response.
I don't have that, like, something that I'm responsible for.
But also, I want to, it's funny.
I think about that a lot.
I think about like, if I have kids, would I let people know?
Do I feel like people need to know?
But then also, do I want to be honest about my own life?
But then who am I being honest to?
Like, can I still just be honest to myself and be like a good family man?
I think with podcasting, I think it gets a little different because it's like a lot of times we do share stuff that's real to us.
And so then people get to know us in a different element.
Isn't it weird?
And you've been doing it so long, right?
You talk for so many hours.
And then sometimes you'll see someone come up to you and they know something intimate.
And you're like, oh, I guess I, because we get so comfortable with each other.
And, you know, we're, and this is what you want to have a real conversation, right?
And then it's like just so weird because over time, when you've talked for 1,000 hours, people can really like take notes and be like, oh, this is, they, they really know your shit.
Oh, I'll get notes at breakfast.
I'll be eating somewhere and somebody around you're like, hey, man, I could tell kind of how you were feeling.
Just shit that we were like, fuck.
I'm fucking the fuck.
I know.
And it is weird because like, do I want to have this exchange with you?
Right.
It's sweet, but it's like, you know, do I want people to come up to me and be like, so how's your daughter?
Right.
All the time?
Like, I don't, I'm like, I don't want to talk to you about my daughter.
You know what I mean?
You might not want to.
But then she's also probably super.
I mean, I know you sent me those pictures.
She's so cute.
Yeah, man.
God, that must be cool, huh?
She just loves you.
You know, you hear it.
You know what it's supposed to sound like.
You know what it's supposed to be.
You know what it is.
You heard descriptions of it.
You have it.
You know everything.
That's the best thing ever.
It's hard.
She's my best friend.
You'll do anything for your kids.
The reason I live, the reason I breathe.
You hear it all.
But then when it happens to you, there's not words to describe it.
Wow.
So you, 40, I had her 20 months ago and a thing I've feelings I've never felt.
Imagine having a new feeling after 45 years, 45 years.
A feeling I never felt in my life is unlocked.
And it's the deepest feeling that I've ever had in my life.
And I love my family.
I love my wife.
What was the feeling?
It's a feeling of inexpressible, pure happiness and joy that you feel like you are floating in the air.
And it's overwhelming.
You cannot process it.
You can't believe it.
You can't process it.
To this day, I can't believe she exists.
Every day I wake up and I take a deep breath and I look at her.
I'm overwhelmed.
I've never not been overwhelmed looking at her.
I've never been able to process my love.
The love is so strong that I can't understand it.
It's tough, man.
It's insane, dude.
That's awesome.
And it's just there.
It's just there and it's not going to go anywhere.
And I had gotten to some deep, some dark places, really dark.
Did you feel like it was going to, like, that must have been shocking because you said that it's not going to go somewhere?
Was there, yeah, like, fuck.
Yeah, just to think that I, just to think that I will have her, you know, and then my brain is such that then it gets dark.
Like, oh, then one day I'm going to be gone and she's not going to have me.
I'm not going to see how the second half of her life plays out.
And then I go to depression.
And I'm working on this as a weird thing where I could be like something so good.
And then my mind wants to go, oh, you're going to lose it, though.
One day it's not going to be that.
Okay.
So then I'm not going to know.
This is deep, but like, I'm not going to know then how her story ends.
Isn't that crazy?
To think about that the air I breathe is for her.
And then to just think that like she might have a good 40 years on, hopefully 100 years on this earth with that post me that I don't get to know.
I don't, the thing that I care about most in my life, I don't get to know the end of that.
Yeah.
So it's like this dichotomy of like this deep, deep, it's such a deep love, but it sends you because like if you get, if you let yourself go there, it's kind of wild, man.
Right, but that's also kind of a creative and, you know, it's a deep thought.
And deep thoughts are, you know, depth has darkness in it a lot of times.
You know, the deep you want to get into stuff, the more, the more that can be in there.
But wow, I've never even thought about that.
It's like if watching your favorite, it's like you, it's like your favorite movie, but you don't get to see the half, you know?
Right?
But you got to make the movie, though.
Oh, dude, it's like nothing you've ever felt.
That's crazy.
Yeah.
The feeling that you said that it's not going to go anywhere, that really sent me, man, because yeah, I think I didn't realize until you said that there's this feeling always inside of me that it's going to go somewhere, you know, that it's not, you know, that it's not reliable or something.
I think it even goes back to me, like, not knowing how to, you know, you got to check in and make sure people know you KO all the time.
Sure.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's wild that I get to wake up to, I wake up now at like seven in the morning every day.
Like, or, you know, we're at eight, but like, but I was never a morning person.
You know, I was never, I was a bartender.
I'm a comic.
Like, I, I'm not that guy.
And like, and I wake up and I, so here's another thing.
I remember what it was like to feel naturally, organically, truly feelings of happiness.
You know, whether it was just a general feeling or whether I got good news, like this feeling that would emanate like a joy, like joy, like pure though, right?
You're all, you're a very joyous guy.
But I lost that.
Like, and for a while, I got like, you know, I was depressed.
And I, I, I, I, I, I would register that I was supposed to feel happy.
Oh.
And, and I would say, oh, I'm so happy about that.
But I would say, but in that feeling is not here.
I'm telling myself that I'm happy and I'm happy.
Right.
This is great news.
Or this is, oh, that's wonderful.
Or, oh, I'm excited, you know.
But this, this thing that I used to have where it's like you walk around like with a pep in your step and you're cheery and it's, it's coming out of you.
Yeah.
Like it's coming out of you.
You're emoting it.
Like it's it's beyond you.
Your body, you're not in control of it.
You're happy.
Right.
You know, not that you, you, you now lived life and you know, oh, this is good news.
I'm happy.
I'm supposed to be happy.
But it's not the same.
No, and I stopped feeling that.
What happened?
Although it's amazing you're saying this is exactly how I feel a lot of times.
I'll look at old videos of myself.
I'm like, man, that guy was so happy.
Right.
And I would get really sad about that because it's like, I have no reason not to be happy.
I have such a wonderful support system, family, friends.
I have so lucky in my life to do what I want in my career.
I feel blessed.
Every day, every day, I know how lucky I am.
I take nothing for granted.
And so, why?
Why then do I not feel that?
But the odd thing is, is that I can feel viscerally sad.
I have immediate access to sadness, immediate access.
And I didn't used to.
It like flip-flopped.
And if I wanted to sit here right now and talk to you about something sad, I could bring up something that's sad to me.
And in one minute, I could be bawling.
And I could, and I, and I feel it.
Like, I feel it emanating.
But the happiness, it's kind of like I had to either work at it or just like accept this new version of happiness.
And with my daughter.
This is free again.
It's more than it ever was.
It's crazy to have someone pull that out of you.
And it's at the ready, and it's just limitless.
It's like, I don't need anything, anything.
I don't need to access it.
If I hear her voice, if she walks in the room, if I look at a photo of her right now, something happens to my body.
That's cool, man.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Even if we don't.
I didn't mean to get into it.
We can save this and you can give it to her one day, you know?
Yeah.
I didn't mean to get into this, you know?
Like, I know that you, you know, it's cool with you.
Like, I know you go everywhere on your podcast and stuff.
No, it's okay.
I hope the listeners are cool with it.
Like, I just, if, if keep it in, like, I just, I know it's not, not laughs, but.
No, it's okay.
Yeah.
It's, dude, to see that somebody, how much somebody cares about their kid, you know?
Yeah.
I think it's, yeah.
It makes, yeah, because it's funny.
That's where I'm at in my life.
I think I'm like, could I do it?
Like, would I be able to be okay?
You will.
You know, like, even if you, they say it's true.
Everything they say is true.
You never know you think you're ready.
You never, you will never be ready.
Yeah.
Something just happens, man.
You don't know if you could do it.
You don't know if you're ready.
Will you be a good this?
Will you be a good that?
That happens naturally, immediately.
I mean, you, you're, you, it's, it's just something, a switch flips and you, it's not could you do it.
It's I want to be the best at it.
You know, it's, it's, you, the doubt is erased.
The doubt is erased.
You immediately like, you thrive off of it.
You know, like it's, it's, it's, it really is purpose.
I mean, all those cliches, all those trite things that people say, but it's true.
You know, it's like, I thought I had meaning and purpose and I do.
You know, I, I, I, I, you know, like I said, I just, I'm so lucky.
And I, even like people aren't unfulfilled in certain areas, but I'm lucky.
I love, I love my job.
I'm a comedian.
I wanted to be a comedian since I'm a little kid.
A little kid.
It's all I wanted to do.
And I didn't even start doing it like this until very late in life.
And I, I'm so lucky that I did it because I could imagine I could have never done it.
It's all I care about, you know, like, so, and I, so I always am like blown away every day that I am a working comedian.
Like, wait, my dream came true?
Like, it's wild to me.
Cause you could be a comic too.
And it's so hard to like stay the course and then to get by and make a living and all that stuff.
You know, and I really don't think, what is the percentage of comedians that get to that level like that can say, this is my job.
You know what I mean?
Like, I don't know.
But like, I never would believe it.
And so that's, so I feel like I have a purpose and I, and I, and I, and I love my family and like, I'm just, I, I am very, um, self-aware and reflective and everything.
But like, then when I had, you know, my daughter, it's like, it's like everything just melts away.
Like it's like, there's just one thing that matters.
It's so fulfilling.
And it's a source of joy and energy and just the love.
The love is a different level of love.
And so it's like, it's not like, oh, I'm afraid.
Like, oh, I hope I don't fuck this up.
It's like, it's the best thing that's ever happened to you.
You're going to honor it.
You know what I mean?
Like, you die.
I feel like you become a new person.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, I am, I am, I've had, I, I'm late in life.
So I feel like I was, I'm always getting, I'll never be, you know, always getting in touch with yourself and learning more about yourself.
But I did have a so late in life that I feel like I, you know, I should say like if I had a kid when I was 25 or 45, I know who I am more.
So in that respect, I feel good about that.
But, but yeah, yeah, yeah, because you have a new title.
You have a new job.
You have an you have a new purpose, you know?
And it's so beautiful because everything that this that she consumes, how she learns life, how she learns what life is about and who people are and who she is and everything from just her brain developing and learning words and just to emotions and the things she observes and molding the person that she becomes and wanting to give her do
better than you always want to do better and do better.
And, you know, and, you know, I'm, I'm always like trying to, you know, we fail, but trying to better myself.
And like, she just like, it's like on, you step on the gas.
You know what I mean?
Like everything I do, I run through the filter of her.
Everything now.
Like, I, I mean, like, it has nothing to do with her.
I say, will this, if, if my daughter saw me doing this, if my daughter saw me working on this or talking to someone like this or speaking like this or handling myself in this way, like, will it make her proud?
You know, will it set an example for her?
And so like, I just, like, I, I walk around thinking of that all the time now.
And it's really great.
It's really great to hold yourself to a standard, which I did before.
But like I said, this is a deep new level.
And to hold yourself to the standard, but, but want to do it and be proud to try and then be proud to, and then succeed at it, you know, like, and know it.
Oh, I, I'm.
Right.
I have an integrity here.
What you feel like I'm big on integrity, man, my whole life.
And so as a guy who has always been on like my word, I give you my word.
I'm honest.
Like I, I, uh, I'm, I'm not, I try to be genuine.
I don't fucking, I can't stand phony people.
I don't like, you know, I just, I don't, I don't like people that aren't kind.
You know, like, I'm just very, I don't know, whatever.
My, my work, everything I do, I try the hardest I can.
I kill myself with that shit.
But like, um, so, so being a person like that already, to then have the marker be her and how that, how, the person she becomes and how she thinks of me, what's going to be her perception of me, that's the highest.
And so it's like, it's like the Super Bowl of like integrity.
And, uh, and, and it's, and it's a wonderful thing.
It's not a hard thing.
It's, it's a gift.
It's like a gift.
You know, this probably sounds so corny to people.
I don't think it sounds corny at all, dude.
And it's like, I know everyone says it, and I probably just sound like I just realized it, but it's like, like I said, it's just different when it happens.
Well, we never talk about it on here.
I don't have a lot.
Yeah, I never really talk about like to friends about their about kids or anything like that.
And it's just funny because it's a place that I'm at in my life now.
And, you know, wondering how that'll look.
And it's just funny how like God kind of puts things together and is like, oh, well, how about this?
Why don't I connect you with this awesome example of a guy who feels like he's got, who has been bringing joy forever and found a whole new level of joy.
This guy made 300 episodes of joy.
And now I trumped him with one episode of joy.
Right, right, right.
It's wild, dude.
Now it's out to him.
Now the episode never ends and there's no commercial.
There's no commercial breaks.
Oh, and so your special is.
It's coming out next week.
Yeah, it's great.
It's called Terrified.
It's on YouTube.
Salvacano Terrified on YouTube.
It's on 800 Pound Gorilla's channel.
Oh, yeah, they're great, man.
I made my first album with them.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, yeah, I'm super excited about it, man.
And tour is going on sale the same day.
Okay, nice.
Yeah, I got the whole tour coming up.
I mean, geez, the next year.
Everything's fine, tour.
Tickets at salvocanocomedy.com.
So it's a big week, you know, next week.
Yeah, everything.
So hopefully people want to come see me.
Hopefully people want to come watch it and want to watch it.
Thanks for coming and talking about that with me, man.
Yeah, that's so exciting.
So to have a big tour heading out right on the back of the special launching.
And this is your first special.
"Yeah, this is my first special, "not my first tour, but like, And to come out together, it's like a big, like, hold your breath day.
You know what I mean?
Because it's been a long road.
It's a long road for a comedian to get to his first special.
It means so much.
You know how, you know, I remember your first Netflix one.
Bro, people were so excited.
Yeah, when you get a chance to do your first special, it's like, I'm doing this.
Dude, I worked so hard.
I mean, I know we all do.
It's just like I was in this zone.
You know, never mind that it's like 10 years of whatever the material, but like just the last, like ramping up to it, the last six months, I spent hours on it every single day to the point of the day after I filmed it, I felt like I was going to pass out because it's like, I can't believe I don't have to think about this thing.
Oh, yeah.
Getting meticulous with stuff, you know, like every little thing, you know, getting it like that.
And I, and, and everyone that worked on me with it, I just want to say thank you because they did such, I had a huge team.
It's, they did such a good job.
I think it looks really great.
Like, I just, it's just, it just, I'm really, I'm proud of it, you know?
I hope you, I'm anxious because, you know, like you get like people that just, they don't care.
They hate going to hate you no matter what.
Yeah.
You know, but I really, it's very, it's personal, you know?
And yeah, and then the tour launching with it, I hope it like, I just, I'm just hoping for big things, you know, like stand, you know, I just, cause I'm, yeah, you know, I just want to go ahead.
Like, I just want to be full on stand-up.
And, you know, like I said, I'm lucky that we got another season of the show and stuff.
But, you know, after that, this is kind of like what I, you know, what I'm jumping into.
But it's been tough touring non-stop, you know, with the show.
But dude, this is just like, I'm really, I'm just psyched.
So thanks for having me.
Thanks for letting me talk about it and stuff.
Yeah, no, it's huge, man.
I mean, that's like, oh, yeah, getting your first special.
Man, yeah, I know we just realized that your time, we got to get you out of here.
Yeah, my flight boys in 17 minutes.
Sorry.
I didn't mean to run out like that.
I'm going to talk to you for another two hours, dude.
Yeah, same.
Same here, man.
I'll have to come up and visit you guys.
Please.
Come out and come over that.
Come over the house, have dinner and stuff.
Yeah, I'd love to, man.
I love you, man.
I love you, buddy.
I'm just happy to get to spend time with you today, dude.
I told you, I texted you I was so excited to see you.
You didn't disappoint.
I always love catching up with you, bro.
Thanks, man.
Same.
Congratulations on your first comedy special.
Thanks, bro.
You started off a comedian.
You still are, man.
And thank you for all the years of entertainment Salva Cana.
Appreciate you.
Now, I'm just floating on the breeze.
And I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
I must be cornerstone.
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this piece of mind I found.
I can feel it in my bones.
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