Theo is back with a new solo episode. He talks about the different types of Christmas, hacking the Chuck-E-Cheese animatronic band, potential porn bans, 2022 reflections and more. He also answers some of your voicemails, and speaks with a fan who stepped on a bomb in Afghanistan and survived.
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I'm telling you this, if you've got a husband or hell, if you got a wife that, you know, she's wilding, you know.
But if you got a husband that has a wiener and you think he might be able to use that perk every now and then and get him that perk pebble, baby, you know what I'm saying?
It's a great gift.
All right.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas to you.
Merry, Merry Christmas.
Lloyd Christmas, too.
Damn.
I've had a Merry Christmas and then I've had a damn Lloyd Christmas, you know, where you chip your tooth and, you know, you end up just damn looking for your own asshole all day.
And that's a toughie.
That's a toughie, baby.
When you find yourself, you hot on the trail of your own asshole.
That's, you know, that's not good.
That's not good.
I've had that Merry Christmas and I've had that Lloyd Christmas.
You know, I've had it just fala la la la, you know, where you and your cousin just sitting on the damn porch steps, just eating, just, just feeding each other manicotti.
You know, I've had that shit where somebody come by, drive up by the house, give you a little sip out of their smoothie cup.
And they're not even a pedophile, they're just a damn good Samaritan with a blender.
You know, I've had those kind of days, those kind of holidays, you know, where, you know, where some hottie lets you, you know, let you watch your breastfeed a little.
Not for a long time, just enough, you know, where you play that song, Hallelujah.
Just one play, you know, because it's almost biblical.
You watch that.
You watch a baby getting titted out and you listen in a hallelujah, you know, where, oh, bless ye marry gentlemen.
You know, oh, Christ the Savior is born.
You listen to that bitch and you watch somebody breastfeed.
You know, there's something very Christmassy about it.
Now you follow that lady and the child back to their car, back to their room or whatever.
That's, you know, that's not in the Bible because that's, you know, you write in your own chapters at that point and you're going to probably end up, you know, you're going to end up in jail or doing, you know, on house arrest or something.
But what was I talking about?
Merry Christmas to you.
Happy holidays.
I've had that Merry Christmas and I've had that Lloyd Christmas.
You know, I remember one time we got, you know, I used to go drink lean over there.
My buddy was a manager at a Chuck E. Cheese.
You know, he was a manager over there at a Chuck E. Cheese, baby.
And we'd go over there.
I would go over there sometimes after his shift and we'd drink a little bit of lean over there.
You know, just leaned with just, we'd get leaned up.
Damn, I was fucking veal, bro.
I had so much lean, I was just damn, whoo, you cut me into some medallions, baby, and sell me.
I was vealed out.
I was lean.
And he would turn the band, you know, he had control of the Chuck E. Cheese band that played on stage.
And he'd turn that bitch up to damn 11, bruh.
And we'd watch him play just as, you know.
We'd watch him bitches play.
I mean, we could do Freebird in about a little over three minutes, dude.
He'd watch, I mean, them bitches would play fast as they could, bro.
We watching Freebird.
I mean, just, you know, we'd play to the damn chef, whatever the chef, his name is, Benny or something.
Let me see.
Who's in the band?
Chucky Cheese Band members.
Oh, whoever.
Oh, yeah.
Pascali, the drummer.
He was the chef.
And we'd play one time, you know, he cranked.
He had it playing so fast, the fuck the chef arm came off that bitch, son.
But that was a, that was a Merry Christmas, man.
You know, when you so get, you know, you so, you amped up so much that, damn, you over there in the band, you know, the Chuck E. Cheese band is playing for just you and a friend.
And you're sitting there just sharing problems and sharing joy, you know, in a strip mall over there.
And it's a little, I will admit it's mildly, there's a homo eroticness to it, I think, if you go there.
But if you don't, it's just good men being good men.
But, Man, the world's so fast now, isn't it?
The world is so damn, it's so dang fast.
Everything's just how fast can it go?
The speeds, the gigabytes, the modem, the text, the Wi-Fi, the airdrop.
You know, I remember back in the day, you had to run a note.
If you wanted to know something, you had to run a note.
Now they got direct message.
Man, you could send the Pope a direct message.
I've done it.
I'll be honest.
Middle of the night, bruh.
Just hit the Pope up.
Where the hoes at?
You know?
And yeah, I shouldn't do it, but, you know, things happen.
What are we talking about?
Sorry.
Merry Christmas, guys.
That's what I'm telling you.
But yeah, things go so fast.
Things go so fast.
You got to make a moment.
If you want a moment now, you got to make a moment.
You got to make a moment.
That's what I'm noticing.
You know, I noticed some of my friendships, some of my relationships, they just, you know, will make a plan.
And, you know, I've had instances where I've made a plan to go do something and I go do it, but I don't make it a moment, you know?
Thank you.
You know, I might spend time with a young lady and I don't make it, I don't, you know, I don't make it a moment.
I'm there and I'm kind of checked in.
I'm partly, you know, I'm on my phone, maybe I'm, but I'm there, but it's like, I don't say, hey, I'm going to make this a moment.
I'm going to put some damn, I'm going to kick the clock right in the nuts right now.
You know, instead, so I'll just go with the flow of time.
But I've been thinking about that.
If I want there to be moments in my life, I got to make a moment.
I gotta make them.
I gotta make them.
And I find for myself, I want everything to be perfect before something happens.
That's how I am.
I want everything to be, look, as soon as everything gets all lined up, gets all perfect, then this will happen.
And by doing that, I'm not really giving, I'm not really giving the Lord a chance to tickle me.
You know, I'm not really giving, stay with me.
I'm not by saying, okay, as soon as this, then this, and then this.
You know, as soon as I get my slippers on, my feet will be warm.
I'm going to go to daddy's.
I'm going to make a pot pie.
But only, I ain't having no pot pie till I do the other thing, till I do my, you know.
When I have my own plan, stay with me.
What I'm saying is I'm always waiting for everything to be perfect before I live my life.
I'm always waiting for everything to be perfect before I live my life.
As soon as these things line up, I'm going to live my life.
Man, I'm so guilty of that.
You know, as soon as this new medicine I'm using helps me, and as soon as this shirt I ordered come in, and as soon as I learn Spanish, as soon as I learn Spanish really well, like I'm a, you know, a blue belt or whatever in it.
But I always want to wait till everything's perfect.
You know, Dustin Poirier noticed that about me.
And he said to me, point blank, he said, hey, man, you can't wait for everything to be perfect to start living your life.
You can't wait for everything to be perfect to start living your life.
And that hit me.
I mean, he packs a powerful punch and that mud, damn, he hit me with a damn word punch, you know, with a word hook.
Because I've bet, that's what I've done.
My whole life has been like that.
Inside of me, it has been, as soon as it's all lined up, I'm going to show you myself.
As soon as I've got it all looking the way I want, I'm going to show up for you and for me.
And man, those were just powerful words that hit me this year.
And I'm not trying to preach at you or anything.
I just, you know, I was singing the other day about what has been kind of a highlight of my year, something I heard this year.
What are some things that stuck with me?
And that was a big one.
He sent me a message and it said, and sometimes you have to shoot a friend straight.
There's a lot of time where you can sit there and you can be that shoulder.
But sometimes you got to dance, you know, you got to be that fist, baby.
And I'm not talking, you know, butt activity.
I'm not talking homosexuality homosexualizing.
I'm talking straightening, being straight.
Or being gay, but I'm talking about being a friend.
You know?
So anyway, man, that was something that resonated heavy with me this year.
That I can't wait.
I can't wait, man.
It's not all going to, I'm never going to get to that where everything's okay where everything looks a certain way and in the meantime i'm burning the best time i do have available i'm burning that candle up i'm burning this candle down and i'm saying as soon as it gets bright enough or warm enough in here i'm gonna
show up but the candle's getting smaller it's a trap and that was something that uh that resonated with me this year that was something that resonated with me this year um i want to thank you guys yeah for being a part of the show and being a part of my life and um yeah it's just man it's been a journey and this year went fast you know and
if i want moments i got to make them i got to put my cleats on when i show up and say hey right now this is going to mean something this is going to mean something because time doesn't have the feeling it doesn't have as much it doesn't time doesn't time
doesn't know how much we care and even worse and sad it doesn't care it doesn't care man and that's it's kind of sad but it's just that's our responsibility to make something mean something and the time to start doing that the time was already the time is already
the time it's it's been time you know so anyway that's enough i'm stepping down just step down off my high horse and i'm back into the world man what's going on doing well being grateful you know i remember a buddy of mine smoked so much crack one time and that he um his appendix burst you know because i guess uh i
guess your appendix doesn't like crack and and he people hated him so much he'd burn so many bridges he couldn't get a ride of the hospital so he had to run he had to run to the hospital and damn if that isn't you know i love the olympics and shit but dang if that's not an olympic sport a spleen splitted crackhead doing
you know doing five kilometers to the hospital cuz i tune into that baby okay we're gonna get into some calls in a little bit um what's going on with me you know i spent thanksgiving over at dustin porier's house i guess we're just talking about dustin porrier um and look i'll tell you this people don't know this about that fella that he's a chef that fella is a chef i mean dude that is
that chef boy are damaged bruh dude he was i showed up he's you know he's out in the yard i mean he was i mean he battered so he battered two fish fillets bruh and i mean he battered them bitches dog i saw he went at least two and a half rounds with them you know they had a tarpon and his coach wouldn't throw in the towel but damn he you know and one red snapper they went the distance but he won but damn i mean look man that man i
went over there and um and it was exciting you know but i mean he had all of i mean this dude he every two hours he was up all night doing food he show he would go in the uh i mean he just had he had ovens and this and that fire wood chipper damn he had a uh somebody was cooking the shit just visually just some dude staring as hard as he could he had
some dude on pcp just staring straight into a ribeye just grilling that bitch out from the center cuz just man he was but i mean that dude every two hours he'd be up with a ham i came downstairs one time he's over there breast he's over there feeding a ham he burping a ham in a chair i said dang cup what's going on cud that man like to cook right he's snapping peas he doing all i mean it was crazy
he's singing he's over there snapping peas and singing uh slave songs and shit i said what this dude he really this guy's got a couple he's got some generations in him he had recipes i mean all kind of stuff just everything man and it was i had a great time i i haven't done a solo episode since uh the gangs giving episode so i wanted to touch base with you and let you know what i did um and
that's what i did man i had a great time um that was a lot of fun over there in youngsville down there in youngsville louisiana and we got to go out there with the good fight foundation and um they gave out a bunch of hams bro we was just hamming people every car roll up you hit them with that ham baby dang so we met at this place that's called pray johns it's a restaurant and a lot of people that works with the good
fight foundation were out there and they had uh and the good fight foundation is a it's a dustin poir's is his charity function.
And, um, and you always wonder, what does a charity do?
People wonder it all the time, you know.
And look, man, I went down there and it was cool.
It inspired me because, you know, a lot of people that work with Good Fights showed up.
The Raging K, the Louisiana football team showed up.
Who else?
Alan Joban was down there.
Cody, a couple other UFC guys, Cody Verette, couple fighters, they came out and cars would roll up and you'd hit them with that ham, baby.
You'd ham them bitches up, dog.
And they had everybody rolled up.
One lady come up, she's smoking so many, you couldn't even see in there.
You open the door and just throw a damn ham just into the damn distance.
I mean, she was just looking like damn Voldemort in there.
Like Voldemort just belched in that bitch.
It was just all smoke.
Like, her ham, set it on the seat.
You throw that bitch in there, cuz.
One dude, his brakes wouldn't work.
He had to just, he had his window down and we tried to just ham, just hit that ham through the window, bruh.
Just ham and that bitch, you know, hit him with that ham, baby.
Bam.
Bam.
Everybody was up in that bit, dog.
People, some people rolled through, had silverware right there.
You give them that ham.
They tread cut that, they divide that bitch up right there.
It was wild, man, but it was awesome.
It was a good experience.
And yeah, man, that was fun.
And then I've just been, I was in LA working on stand-up, had some great shows.
Thank you to everybody that came out to see some of those shows.
Some were a little rough, but they've been getting really better.
Man, I'm just really enjoying being back on stage.
And yeah, I've been feeling better, you know?
I've been feeling better.
In fact, you know what I'm going to say?
I'm going to go out on the limb.
I'm saying I've been feeling good.
I've been feeling good, man.
And it's funny because I spend so much of my life feeling bad, like, you know, depressed, all that.
I don't even know how to do it.
Or I forgot that it's okay.
I start feeling good and I got to call, hey, is it okay if I feel good?
You know?
Hey, if you look at me, do I look, you know, I look crazy or I just look like I'm feeling, you know?
That's shit.
You know, I feel good.
I feel good, man.
And this is wow.
It's wow, man, that I feel good, baby.
Man.
This episode is sponsored by Better Help.
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You know, I've had moments in my life where I'm struggling.
I can't get out of my brain.
It's like I can't get out of mud, but the mud is my own thoughts, my own feelings.
I'm stuck down there.
It's quicksand, and it's inside of me, but it affects the outside of me.
It's pretty interesting how that works.
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Oh, and one amazing thing that happened was I got to see Roseanne Barr.
Now, for those of you who don't know, Roseanne is an iconic female comedian.
And she's, I mean, she's been through it all.
And we hope that she will come on the show sometime.
But I'm on stage at the comedy store.
And I did, and honestly, I did well.
And I'll tell you why I did well.
Because I do well.
I'm going to go ahead and say that.
Because I don't say that enough.
That when I work hard, I do well.
And I was doing well.
Knock, knock, who's there?
Well.
I was doing well, dude.
If you came in the room and you saw two things that was naked and I was one of them and I was doing the other one, the other one was well.
Because I was doing well.
I was doing well, baby.
And I start, I'm up there, I'm doing well, and I hear this laugh.
I can't do it justice, but it's just she, it's only, they only made it in her.
You know, sometimes God makes some things and they put it into one thing.
Like a cool Rance Dorito.
They nobody's got that.
They nobody's got that.
God dang, it's good.
And I, you know, that's, and she's got that.
She's just, only her, only her has a Roseanne laugh.
And I heard it.
I heard it in the back of the room.
And man, my child, we spent that was the one, the time my family got along was that half hour sitting right there.
As soon as that show ended, it was on again.
It was back into our Vietnam, baby.
But when that show was on, that was our foxhole.
So to get to make her laugh, I mean, she laughed the whole time.
And it was just, man, it was special.
It was real, something real for me.
Something real for me, dude.
I wanted to just break open a can of my own dick and eat it.
You know?
Because it meant something to me.
Merry Christmas to you guys.
I hope you're feeling loved.
I hope you are feeling capable.
I hope you are feeling that we can't wait for everything to be perfect to live our lives.
We cannot.
What else?
I don't even know if you guys can hear me on this microphone.
I hope this microphone's working.
These headphones are not working, so I can't hear myself, but that's okay.
We got a lot of calls that came in.
We had some news that came in.
Phoenix cop accused of making porn while on duty.
A Phoenix officer is being investigated for allegedly making and distributing porn while he was on duty and working from home.
The officer has allegedly been disseminating adult videos starring himself through a public Twitter page using the handle Rico Blaze.
Okay, I like that.
Spanish.
That's Spanish.
That's it.
Okay, and it seems like a brother.
This looks like a black gentleman.
Oh, yeah, he is.
Okay.
Yeah, this is a black gentleman right here.
He'd been running between Phoenix and Los Angeles, producing x-rated videos.
I don't know if it says he did it on, he was on home duty.
I don't see where it says he did it on duty.
But I will say this.
We are in a time where, of course, people need two jobs.
We just had a police officer on.
The trauma that they go through.
The responsibility.
Now, I'm not saying every police officer is built for the job.
I'm not saying that.
I'm not saying that there aren't bad police officers.
But I'm saying this, that we learned firsthand that that job, they are the drain catch for so much stress and turmoil in the world.
That if they want to, look, if that man wants to, you know, come in his gun or whatever, he should be able to do it.
If that, you know, if this, if he wants to bust a, you know, I think they should let him bust two nuts a week or something if they're cops, if they're copping or whatever, especially if nobody's in the, if they don't have a partner.
I mean, with what these guys go through, I think we should pay somebody.
Pay a criminal to hand them off or something.
I mean, these guys, they go through a lot, these men and women.
So I'm not shocked.
And people need two jobs nowadays.
You telling me that this guy for the four or five hours when nothing's going on, he can't protect and serve.
What's the serve part?
He's serving Wayner, this fella.
Now, if he's secretly recording and doing that sort of thing and selling it, I don't think that that's good.
I'm just saying that if he's able to do a traffic stop and then go get a cat out of a tree, you know what I'm saying, boy, then let him.
If he's able to do all of that and then get back over and stop a banker robbery, then good.
People need two jobs nowadays.
You have teachers, F OnlyFans, and we're firing them.
That's the sad part.
That is the sad part.
Now, you know good and well, say this dude makes his name in pornography, which I don't like pornography.
But say he makes his name in pornography and he shows up on the scene and there's two dudes fighting.
One of them, they gonna stop fighting because they're worried this dude going he gonna cock them down.
If I know some dude really can really do really do hammer time sex, he can do serious, you know, construction worker dick throwing.
You know what I'm talking about?
Nail gun, HVAC.
If he's got all of that just built into his cock, that thing runs on diesel.
Then I'm like, I'm, I'm going to do what I'm going to take orders and get home safe.
That's what I'm going to do.
So I think we probably need people like this.
We need people like this.
What else do we have in the news that's interesting?
Utah Senator introduces bill to outlaw all porn nationwide.
Utah Republican Senator Michael introduced bill to outlaw Porn Nationwide You know the United States does not currently have a national definition of obscenity Lee's essentially arguing that he's a member Lee is a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints You know I
have to admit I think that this would behoove people this would help I Think that if this I think this business has ruined it's now look I'm not saying I haven't spent time with pornographers I haven't watched almost I'd say I probably watched a quarter percent of
the porn that's out there in my time but it's you know it's you see some of it it's just you know the people their holes are open and they're just catching a cold you see one woman you know her butt is so open she's got to be she's going to catch a cold I feel like sometimes you see some of that it's just some of it's graphic and I don't think it's helpful I
don't think that it's helpful I don't think it's a long-term positive play for society I really really don't um so I'm curious I want to I want to peek a little bit more into this let me know what you guys think about that hit the hotline 985-664-9503 we're going to do a great call at the end of this we're going to call somebody I'm excited about it so we'll see we'll see what he says
about that pornography what else let's get into a few calls let's get into a few calls that happened hey Theo man I don't know what to do right now but my uncle's got a bobcat oh hell yeah and that's a real uncle homeward it's like a pet and
uh man that thing's been coming around for about two months now and uh i'm gonna tell you right now he gets wild because he's from the wild oh yeah look i'll tell you this man the jungle book it ain't a book it's a damn library son the jungle book is a it's a anthology it's it's a billion chapters long baby you gotta remember that an
inchworm got the same in it that a leopard got in it it's all connected daddy gang but i'm telling you dude i come home the other day and he was over there he snatched my hat off my head like a wrong man i told my uncle i said you need to do something so we figured it out he gets them jerked off every month and
a half 175 to get that little bobcat jerked off god that's beautiful man oh that's beautiful you know uh that utah senator's not gonna like that i'll say that and
i don't condone usually humans pleasure in animal there's videos out there they got a man they caught him with a you know and a man and a dog dating in a park and they you know i don't condone it when uh if a i don't condone that kind of stuff but look if this is a bobcat if something's gonna kill you if it doesn't
ejaculate then you got two choices die or service that animal baby nobody thinks you're a pervert if something's gonna kill you and you make it ejac and then it doesn't kill you that ain't you're not some kind of animal gay or whatever that's safety bub that's damn safety
dude other than that he's good to go i just want to let you know and thank you for that man thank you for letting us know i'll tell you this i'll tell you this if they passed a uh thing around my building a chart or something you had to guess or check yes or no these don't even work i don't know why i'm wearing them if they passed that thing around my building and said hey there's a there is a bobcat in the building and
and and if it doesn't ejaculate then every six weeks somebody gonna lose a fucking thumb homie somebody gonna lose an elbow somebody gonna lose a damn Cossacks you know I'm saying Richard gonna lose an eyeball, baby.
Libby gonna lose a Libby.
You know what I'm saying, bruh?
Then I say, hey, sign me up, cut.
I'll go first.
I'll reach into the box, you know.
I'll put on a burn, one of those burn-proof mittens and reach into the box, you know, and glove that little pecker out.
Because that's who I am, bruh.
I'm working for God, baby.
All right, let's take one more call or two that came in.
Here, we got a rapper name suggestion.
We had an episode with Young Gravy, if you didn't get To hear it.
And we're excited about some great episodes in the new year.
If you know someone who would be a great regular person job episode, you have a candidate for, hit the hotline, let us know, 985-664-9503, or go to the website theovon.com.
There's ways you can submit a video of them.
Let us know.
We want to get unique people on who are good at communicating and just have an interesting personality.
I know that's a big question.
Everybody knows somebody, but be realistic.
Here's a rapper name suggestion came in.
Hey, The man, just listening to you and young Gravy this morning on the way to work.
Sought a good rapper name.
I don't know.
I usually, whenever I call you, I usually call you Daddy Gone or maybe Dirty P. Like, oh, Dirty P, make you think you got a little something swimming around in that tea glass.
You know what I mean?
Oh, hell yeah.
Dirty piss or biscuit piss, they used to call me.
You know, when I was young, I ate so many carbs.
We didn't have a lot of meat at the house.
So we'd eat a lot of carbs, dog.
And if mom was going out or heading off, she would sometimes just throw a can of biscuits in there and start them bitches.
And our job was to end them bitches, end them biscuits before they burned.
And they used to, and I'd eat so many of them, you know, they call me biscuit piss because my urine would smell like those Pillisberry.
My urine would smell like those Pillisberry.
God, that was a fucking good time, man.
What else?
So biscuit piss would be a good one.
Let me take one right here.
What's up, Theo?
I just, fuck man, I forgot what I was going to say, but I don't know.
I was just watching your videos on you and your, you talking about the relationship with your dad and you, and it just kind of got me thinking.
And I feel like I need to just talk.
Well, thanks for the call, brother.
You can do that, man.
That's good.
You know?
Thank you.
Onward.
But basically, my dad left when I was nine.
I'm 16 now.
And I just feel like I feel like I missed out on having a, I guess, a father figure or just like a male role model.
And so I don't know.
I feel like I just lack confidence in myself because of that.
I feel like I've never had anybody to show me the way and just teach me how to.
I don't know, man.
I don't know.
I feel you, brother.
Thank you for the call, man.
I appreciate you sharing.
Yeah, I can relate to that.
I feel like I missed out.
But the truth of that feeling, I think, is it's they missed out.
They missed out.
You know, and we take it on ourselves because that's the only way we know.
Obviously, if our parent left or wasn't there for us, there must have been something wrong we did.
There's something wrong with us.
That's human.
That's the nature of a child.
Something happens wrong in the world.
Well, it must have been me.
I didn't do enough.
I wasn't enough.
If I was only perfect, my father would have stayed.
If I was only this, if only, you know.
And it's disappointing that your father wasn't able to.
You know?
Sometimes it's not even that he couldn't or he didn't.
It's just something inside he never got it.
He wasn't able to.
You know, and I'm so, I'm sorry.
You know, I'm real sorry.
But I don't want you thinking that you didn't deserve those things.
You know?
That you didn't deserve to be stuck around for.
That you didn't deserve to be loved.
That you didn't deserve your dad to come and just put his hand on the back of your neck and pull him in close by you and kiss you on the head or tell you he loved you.
You deserved that.
Okay, you deserved that.
You know, and I'm sorry that kind of shit gets me animated, man.
Because it's hard to replace that.
And I know exactly what you're, I'm sorry, I don't know exactly.
I can relate sometimes, I feel like, to what you're saying.
Yeah, man, I didn't, I never knew, I never looked enough time in my dad's eyes.
I didn't know how appropriate.
I noticed in my life, I've had trouble knowing how long to look into a man's eyes when I'm talking to him.
Because I didn't get the training.
Dads don't realize that.
That's where your son gets the training of how long do I look into a man's eyes when I'm talking about something serious, when I'm, you know, I never knew, I've always had this thing, I'll look away a lot of times because I don't know what the fucking proper amount of time is to connect with someone without them thinking that I'm scared, without them thinking that I'm overconfident.
That's where you learn all that shit.
Yeah, nobody taught you how to stand up for Yourself, nobody, all that shit, man.
I'm sorry, bruh.
I'm real sorry.
And just know that you're not alone in that.
You know, and there is a group out there, children.
There's a group called Adult Children of Alcoholics.
And I'm not saying your father's an alcoholic, but they have the yellow book.
And the way that the steps in there can be helpful to guys like us.
Dude, when I would get friends, I would be so like, I would attach myself so much to my friends.
There was times where I was like, man, does my friends think I'm being gay?
Just because I don't know how to relate to another man that much without, you know, I don't know what you share, what you do.
I don't know what's going on.
You know, I would remember I'd give my friends extra hugs.
I would hug my friends, my male friends.
I'd hug my female friends too.
I'd hug that booty.
I'd hug them titty.
But for the men, some of them might give them extra hugs, you know, because I was, every time I would get a chance with a buddy, I just want a little piece of that relationship with my father.
I wanted a little piece of that, you know, and I would get just an extra fist bump, an extra just, you know, I would need it.
I just wanted a little bit, and I would siphon it off of other small relationships.
I just wanted a little bit, But just take care of yourself, man.
It's a long road.
You'll figure this stuff out.
That you're aware of it is important.
Some of that stuff's going to be a battle.
And that's one of the things that's happening in our world.
You know, it's happening a lot.
And it's just some part of society that's going on.
It could be just American.
I don't know enough about the world to know if it's just an American sample.
But you're not alone, bro.
And it's a battle.
But you can't eat.
But you got this, man.
You know, you'll figure it out.
You got this.
And more people probably can associate to that sort of thing than you maybe realize.
I don't know.
But I love you, baby.
Praise God, baby gang.
I'm upstairs.
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All right.
You know, we like to talk to miracles on this show.
And if you know a miracle, if you are a miracle, if you have someone in your family or life that has been a miracle, has an amazing story.
Hit the hotline, 985-664-9503.
We want to talk to a miracle right now.
You guys may remember this call that came in.
What's going on, the Rat King?
Hey, big dog.
My name is Julian Torres.
Dude, back in 2010, dude, I stepped on a bomb lost both my legs in Afghanistan.
And since then, dude, I've kind of killed Mancharo, dude.
I don't know, man.
I like to think that I'm getting after it, you know?
But yeah, man, like I see some crazy shit when I got blown up and stuff like that, man.
I don't know, man.
I'd love to tell you the story, man, if you're willing to hear.
I'm a huge fan.
What's going on?
What's up, big dog, baby?
What's going on, gang, gang, baby?
What's up, dude?
Where are you?
Dude, I'm in Southern California, baby boy.
Amen.
Far from your, Oh, yeah.
I used to buy cocaine over there.
Oh, really, dude?
Well, you know what they say about Oceanside, right?
Uh-uh.
It's a sunny place for shady people.
Ooh.
I believe that, bro.
I believe that.
So you joined the Marines.
You're stationed where?
Dude, so I joined the Marines.
And before we go any further, I just want to say what's up to all my boys in Sega Battalion 6 Marines.
Gang, baby.
Gang, baby, boy.
And because those dudes were the ones that really out of Lejeune, North Carolina, they're the ones that put Humpty Dumpty back together.
You know, if it wasn't for those dudes, man, if it wasn't for those dudes, bro, like, I'm just a ghost.
You know what I mean?
Damn, cuz.
Yeah, bro.
And what's crazy, dude?
And like, what I think a lot of people don't, and, you know, like, first, I mean, I'm a huge fan, dude.
And I'm a huge fan because like, you're so, like, some things you say, and I'm like, oh, damn, dog.
Come on, bigger boy, you know?
But for the most part, dude, I think you're the realest dude on the internet, dog, the Most authentic, the most honest.
And I strive to be like that, dog.
I strive to be like that.
You know, it's not always pleasant, but you're doing good, man.
Thanks, bro.
Thank you, man.
I appreciate that.
Yeah, I'm trying my best.
You know, it's tough to be alive these days.
It's tough for everybody to figure out.
And I appreciate you spending time with us, man, and coming to us like, you know, with just a real scenario that happens to so few people in the world.
And then you get to live through it.
I mean, there's got to be like that has to leave you with so many feelings.
And we'll get to that in a second.
I just want to get down to kind of exactly kind of what happened.
If you can take us through kind of the day.
So you're stationed with your platoon, it's called?
Yeah, dude.
So like, so I'll just tell you, I'll just tell you, I'll tell you the story, and then you can ask questions, you know?
Okay.
And dude, like, there's no rules, man.
If you want to ask, it's so important that people ask about these stories and these incidences because it's a part of like our history, you know what I mean?
And I feel like if we don't talk about it, then the dudes that didn't make it back home, their sacrifice, bro, is just like, it's like whatever.
You know what I mean?
Like, it's disrespectful.
Yeah, it almost is, man.
It's like, cause if we're not talking about it, we're not even honoring that it was a part of our time.
100%, dude.
And it's tough, dude.
And it's not even comfortable for me to even share, dude, but like, it's bigger than me.
You know what I mean?
Like, you know what I mean?
It's like, it's like, it's almost as if God plucked me out and was like, you're going to experience this.
And I want, because like, I got, you know, I got the ability to share.
I got the ability to talk about it.
You know, I got the ability.
Right.
You can handle this.
You can handle this.
Wow.
Yeah.
And that's powerful, dog.
It is, dude.
It is.
And it blows me away.
Like, like, no pun intended, you know.
But it just like, you know, when you think about it, dude, it's just like, it has to be that I was selected because you figure like I have a 10-inch shoe and it's probably like, what, four inches wide?
And I stepped on something that's thick as a ruler, you know, and I'm walking on the earth, dude.
What are the odds of that foot landed on that part?
And I lose both legs and nothing else, dude.
You know what I mean?
I got my genitals.
I got my guts.
I got my mind.
You know, like, you know what I mean?
So it's like, how does that happen, dude?
And it, you know, sometimes you gain more than you gain more than you lose, dude.
You know, and you know what I mean?
I mean, I can only imagine, you know, I mean, it's funny, you know, it's like we've only spoken with one other person.
That's kind of a miracle.
And it's kind of different.
I mean, it fell got hit by a train.
He got trained up.
But I got blasted up.
Right.
But yeah, he got blasted by a train and he said he wanted to, he ready to run it back, babe.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, he said that there's some, I think there's a greater currency in existence that we can't really put our hands on.
I think as Americans, we've gotten far away from with our society.
It's been, you know, in some ways, we've taken a detour.
In some ways, there's some currency that we don't really know.
Sometimes we can feel it, and some people get closer to it.
And it feels like some of that maybe is what you're talking about.
Yeah, man.
So you walked.
Go on.
So July 15, 2010.
We were in Marjorie, Afghanistan.
It's in the Hellman province.
And that particular, I'll just talk about that particular day because, I mean, we could be on a whole podcast and talk about the whole deployment.
But I was only there for like two and a half weeks, man, of full combat operations.
And we were just walking through the way it was designed, man.
It was, if you could imagine like a cornfield.
But it's not corn.
It's like opium, dude, or not.
Yes, opium and weed.
And, you know, they're growing the dark arts over there, if you know what I mean.
Oh, yeah.
And we just, I cross over these two little fields and my buddy, you know, Andy Powell says, you know, from what I can remember, he says, oh, there's an indicator, a little piece of, you know, cloth or whatever.
I still don't even know what it was, really, but he said there was an indicator.
So he holds his own patrol and we started.
We took a, and obviously I was the closest one to like the junction.
So I was like, me being a sergeant of Marines, I was just like, hey, man, I'm not going to ask someone else to go do the heavy lifting.
You know what I mean?
Like, if you want to be a leader, you got to, you got to shovel shit too, you know?
And what's a junction?
When you say a junction, what does that mean?
So that, so there was, there was two properties joining together and they were separated.
Thanks, man.
They were separated by little canals.
There was two canals, you know what I mean?
So I had to cross over both of those to go back and look at, you know, looking for, at the time we were finding like, you know, sniper positions.
We were finding machine gun positions.
The IED threat, the bomb, the improvised explosive device threat was like in the trees.
We got intel that they would be putting them in the trees.
So I was looking all over the place, but I wasn't necessarily looking for an IED on the ground, you know?
And so there was 11 guys.
I was number 11 in our little stick, our little formation, our line.
And then I was number 12 when I crossed over it again.
And then on the 13th time is when it I remember looking down and I remember like the light from the kinetic energy of the blast just like enveloping me in.
And then I felt all the little pebbles on my face.
And I remember like making the little sound of just stepping on that bomb, dude, the little sound that I made.
It was like a, you know what I mean?
And then, well, what, what, what made it, what confirmed it that I was, I was the one that got hurt was it shot me straight up in the air and I saw my shadow from an aerial view on the ground.
No way.
And I was like, you got to be kidding me, dog.
I'm it.
I'm the tag, you're it.
Damn.
Come on, man.
And so, so you could see, so the sun, you were blocking, you could see your shadow and you're like, oh my God, this happened to me.
Yeah.
And so you were able to have that thought.
You were able to have that conscious thought.
Oh, my God, this happened to me.
Wow.
100%.
Yeah, man.
And then I landed on my face.
And I remember like, I remember taking out the dust out of my mouth, dude.
And I remember just immediately thinking about my friends being like, dude, I don't want, I want to be strong for them.
I want to be I want to be like tough for them.
And I don't want to show like, I don't want to wince or cry, you know, because they don't need an audio track to this movie that they're going to be with for the rest of their lives.
You know what I mean?
And, you know, that's pretty selfless of you.
Dude, and thank you for saying that, man.
But the dudes, the thing that you experience in combat that nobody really talks about is the unconditional love you have for your brothers, dude, or your sisters, you know what I mean?
I didn't have no female Marines by me, man, but it was all dudes, you know what I mean?
So, and it's like, it's the tenderness of love that like a mother would give to her child.
You know what I mean?
And I was a machine gunner, dude.
So as a machine gunner, you get attached to like a regular like infantryman squad, you know?
And because you're like a duty expert, this is your specialty weapon.
Right.
You know what I mean?
And so do you, were you, did you stay conscious the whole time?
The whole time, dog.
The whole time.
And you would appreciate this part, man.
Dude, like when you talk about like your dad and like your mom and like you being like, if I could have appreciated my dad more if I didn't judge him so hard.
You know what I mean?
Like I felt that, bro.
And like, it's so true, dude.
Like, I think a lot of times these things happen to us and right away we want to put judgment on it.
You know, instead of just seeing it for what it is and being like, okay, man, this is my shit sandwich I got to eat.
Wow.
Okay, man, you know, you know, past the dressing or pasta leg chips.
You know, let's, you know, hey, man, like, let's just make the best of it.
Damn, cuz.
You know what I mean?
Well, that's a powerful attitude because I don't know if a lot of people are going to have that.
I got to give credit to my wife, man.
You know what I mean?
Like you're.
So you were married when you were in, when you went in.
Wow.
Yeah, man.
Yeah, I've been married to my high school sweetheart, dog.
Dang, dog.
Pervert.
Dang, bro.
My senior prom, bro.
Dang, cuz.
That's nice.
And is your wife, are you Latino or no?
Yeah, man.
Oh, that's cool, man.
Yeah, I think, are you guys Mexican or what kind of Latino is it?
Mexican, baby.
Yeah.
I would like to be Mexican.
You said that before, Doug.
Yeah, I think maybe next time, you know, I don't know how it, you know, exactly what happens, but I could do it.
I think I would dig it, man.
Oh, yeah, dude.
It'd be fucking fun.
It is fun.
It'd be fun.
It is fun.
And it's tasty.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, everywhere I show up, there's chips.
I'm fucking cool as hell, dog, you know?
Yeah, when you see those guys fucking all of that shit, those dudes dancing, those old dudes?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, take me through a little bit more of this.
So I want to know, what is some of those moments, like what goes on there when you're, so you're awake and this is happening, man?
Are you still able to be a leader?
Because if you're in a leader position, I'm sure it's tough because you're supposed to be a leader and now you are in a predicament that most people would say this is, you know, how could you be a leader right now?
So when it happened, dude, you know what I thought?
My first thought after I was like, yo, I'm hurt.
My boy started working on me.
My next like real thought about myself was my warring days were over.
Like I would no longer be a warrior in the sense of like, you know what I mean?
It would be, you know, it would be now, dude, the war is right here between my ears.
You know what I mean?
Like, that's the war, dude.
That's the battlefield.
You know what I mean?
And to be honest with you, it's the greatest Coliseum, the greatest battlefield ever created, man.
You know what I mean?
Because you're stuck with yourself.
You know what I mean?
When you say stuff like that, dude, like it hits so, you know, one time you were saying, you go, that you're just sick of making all these decisions.
Sometimes you just need a break from yourself.
Hey, dog, like someone else, you know, like, you know, but we can't.
And we're with ourselves every day, dude.
You know, it really matters what we tell ourselves, dog.
It really matters.
Like, feeling down, you know, if we're feeling down and out, dog, that's okay.
You know what I mean?
Like, it's okay, bro.
Like, you know, we can, we can find a, like, this is only temporary.
You know what I mean?
Like, this is only.
And like, to be honest with you, man, like, you bring this out of me.
You know what I mean?
Like, because you're so authentic.
You're so like.
Oh, thanks, man.
Well, yeah, you know what I mean?
Like, you're really.
Well, it's brave.
You know, what you did is brave.
I mean, we just had a guy call in a few minutes ago.
He's like, his dad left when he was a kid.
And he just, he said, I never learned how to be a man, you know?
And it's just, there's so many guys out there who, you know, we're all, everybody's going through shit.
And so, you know, you sharing your story, it's like, you know, we're all out here trying to survive, man.
Bro, dude, do you want to know how I found you?
The first episode, Doug?
Yeah.
Was when you, when you, when you brought in Santa Claus, bro.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Dude, so I'm from Modesto, so like probably like Stockton.
Uh-huh.
Oh, yeah, a lot of missing people up there, dog.
Everybody up there is missing, dog.
Damn, you said it's like, hey, man, like, Bobby's address isn't right.
You know, nobody's here, Bobby ain't here.
Where's Bobby?
Bro, and that was the realest Santa, bro.
That dude, I think, man, we need to bring him back.
Yeah, bro.
It's so funny.
I went, I got a date.
So I went this week.
I got some trying to get some nice stuff for my place to look at like, trying to make it look like I'm part of the holidays and shit.
So, bro, I'm at this.
Oh, dude, I'm at this Christmas store.
I'm buying like different shit.
And it's all women in there, bro.
It's so sad.
And I saw Santa's in there.
And one of the dudes doing the pictures with Santa, he recognized me.
He's like, dude, I saw you on Joe Rogan.
Will you come get a picture with Santa, dog?
And so I'm fucking in there getting me and Santa putting up gang signs.
Oh, man.
I have this question for you.
I have this question for you.
How, when you have times like Christmas, you have times like, did you have moments where it was hard for you to say, I just have to keep living my life right now?
I can't give in to the toughness of this.
You know, I can't, you know, we started off this episode talking about how we can't wait till everything's perfect for us to live our lives, you know?
That's so true, Doug.
And I just wonder what some of your, like, what, what is some of the experience like that you've taken away a little bit?
I know that's a huge question.
And we can get into more of this later.
I want to walk through a lot of it again.
I think that, dude, like, you know, like if I had to, if I had to say, like, like, there was a lot of times where I felt guilty for going to Christmas or having Thanksgiving because my buddies who are dead, they don't get to have that opportunity tomorrow.
You know, I felt guilty falling in love with my wife or being intimate with my wife, you know, or holding my kids, kissing on them and loving on them and being like, my boys never get to do this.
Some of the dudes that got killed were fathers, bro.
And their kids, that's it.
You know what I mean?
And it's just like, you know, I think about that stuff all the time, you know?
And a lot of times for me, dude, it's just like, I had to figure out sometimes, dude, like, sometimes it's easier to know how to live when you, sometimes you're so hurt and you're like, dude, like, I'm so broken.
I can't do this.
I can't do that.
But, you know what?
I'm going to be there for my kids.
I'm not going to let my hangups, right?
Air quotes, hangups, or my disability, air quotes, disability, look like something to where my kids can't experience Disneyland.
You know what I mean?
Like, you know, like, even though the loud fireworks freak me out, the mass group of people freaked me out, you know, I can choke it down because looking at them, they can ground me because they're smiling.
You know, if I'm, if, if I'm living for my friends that got killed, sometimes it's easier.
I'm not ready yet, right?
Julian's not ready yet.
But if I can think about what would it be like for Cody to be at Disneyland or what would it be like for, you know, Anthonyone to be there?
Or what would it be like for Jason Kalo to be there?
You know what I mean?
Like, and these guys are real dudes, man.
And like, sometimes it's easier.
Sometimes it's easier to live for somebody else, man, for the time being.
Give yourself some space, man.
You know what I mean?
Because the idea is not to end it, right?
It's not to give yourself a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
You know, you can't, you know what I mean?
Like, you know, there's, there's, you know, so, I mean, especially the holidays, man, it's so hard on people, dog.
You know, you got people, you know, committing suicide and there's nothing wrong with that, dude.
It's just that, like, I wish that I wish that they would have asked for help.
Yeah.
Or, or I wish that they would have found an anchor that to live for.
You know what I mean?
Be like, hey, man, I'm too weak right now.
I can't go through this anymore.
I'm going to live for somebody else.
Wow.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
I'm going to let them carry me, even though if they're not even here on this physical plane anymore, they're in the spirit world, you know?
Yeah.
I'm going to live for them.
I'm going to live for them, dude.
What would they want?
Well, they might want a slice of chocolate cake.
Okay, let me eat it because they're inside me, man.
I carry them in my heart.
Right.
Yeah.
What they wouldn't give today to pick up their kid?
What they wouldn't give today to look over at their wife and smile.
What they wouldn't give today to laugh that maybe their steps getting a little bit slower or their bones creak when they reach for something.
Just little things, like the littlest things.
Man.
Yeah, man.
Or you fall down, dude.
Or you fall down.
Like, laugh at yourself, dog.
Laugh at yourself, dog.
Like, stop taking yourself so seriously, man.
You know what I mean?
Like, it's a struggle, man.
It is.
It is, man.
Julian, yeah, I would look.
I would love, because we're in Southern California.
We're not too far, dude.
We'd love to, you know, let's figure it out.
We'll do something in the new year.
Let's come in.
I would just love to go through this and think about some more stuff, man.
And I think that that's just a powerful note.
It's like, you know, those moments when you can't live for yourself, to be unselfish enough and perspective adjustment enough, say, well, who can I live for?
Even if it's for the next five minutes to get me over that hump.
Because sometimes it's just that hump.
It's just that fucking hump, man.
Dude, so like one of the biggest things that I learned is that like the idea of forever, that like no matter how much water I poured on my legs, bro, they weren't going to grow back.
You know what I mean?
And sometimes even to this day, bro, like 12 years after, it's so heavy to think about forever.
But if I just say, you know what, man, you're an FPT today.
Just focus on today.
You know what I mean?
Like, that's all you're doing, man.
You know, like, don't worry about, you may not even live 40 years.
You may not even live 50 years.
but you're living right now, man.
And who do you want to live for today?
And dedicate that day for somebody else, man.
One step at a time, man.
Or not one step at a time.
That's a horrible, but you know what I'm saying, bro.
Damn.
Yeah, bro.
Let's go.
You know?
Dang, boy, you got them lifters on, baby.
Damn, dog.
Yeah, bro.
Dang, bro.
You that flamingo, baby.
You got them bitches going, cuz.
You know, man.
You know.
Well, look, man, Merry Christmas to you, dude.
We'll connect.
And, yeah, I would say sometime in January, maybe late January.
I don't want to put an exact date on it, but I'd love to do it in the spring and just get you in and learn a little bit more about the experience and stuff.
So we're going to have, we're going to start doing a few more episodes in the new year, next year overall.
So it'll give us a little bit more space, man.
But thanks for your service, man.
Thanks for your perspective, dude.
I think it's something that we all needed today.
So thank you.
Bro, for people like you, dog, for people, you know, dude, like, honestly, man, like, I would do it again, man.
100%.
When that dude said that he get hit by that train, bro, you know, I related to that because it's true.
Even if I knew the outcome and I, you know, everything played around the same dude, I'd be like, yeah, let's go.
Send it.
Because everything's better, dude, now.
You know what I mean?
Like everything's more fruitful.
Everything's more vibrant.
Everything, you know what I mean?
Because when you tickle that death angel, you know what I mean?
It's right there ready to collect, dude.
Damn.
What else do you have to be afraid of, dog?
You know what I mean?
Thank you, man.
Thank you for your time, brother.
Merry Christmas to you, man.
Thank you guys for everything, man.
Thanks for the opportunity.
Oh, yeah, you bet, dude.
This has been really, this has been, man, this couldn't have been more perfect for us and just for the audience.
And I think just for, man, I don't know.
You know, you, I don't know how you could do it.
It's hard to say to somebody, man, like you're doing this really well.
Oh, dog.
You know, man, you're doing this really well.
It's effective, you know?
So, you know, thank you.
Oh, dog.
Yeah.
You know, dude, like, just real quick, man, I mean, it's all those people, dude, that, like, have helped me.
That have given me their best and, like, helped put me back together, you know?
I feel like I absorbed that.
Yeah.
And so it's like, I'm here.
Let's have fun, dude.
Yeah.
Let's do something, dude.
You know, let's go, you know.
I don't know, man.
Let's live, dog.
Let's live.
Let's live, baby.
How do you say let's live in Spanish, dog?
How do you say it?
Vive?
I think so, man.
I think it's.
Damn, you don't know Spanish, dog?
No.
Bro, this is the problem, bro.
See, this is the problem, dude.
All white people that are teaching us fucking Spanish and the Mexican kids, they don't the second generation.
They don't even learn it.
Dog, I'm like fifth generation.
Oh, you got an experience.
You were getting, bro.
Now, we've been here a long time.
Gang, baby.
We'll be in Benitos, dude.
I'm glad that you're here.
I'm glad that I'm here.
I'm glad we get to walk this earth at the same time, man.
We'll circle up with you, bro.
Merry Christmas, Julian Torres.
Thank you so much for your service.
Love you, bro.
You guys be good, man.
Gang, gang.
Iwamente, baby, gang, gang.
Man, thank you.
Thank you to everybody that served.
Thank you, everybody that pays attention.
Thank you to everybody in the world that I don't know.
You know, it's, you know, these are the moments that I live for.
These are the moments that I live for.
They really are.
Just those moments when you feel, when you just, when you and somebody else, somebody you don't even know, y'all are on the same, y'all are standing on the same fucking molecule of respect and compassion and understanding and hope.
You know, we are lucky.
We are lucky to be able to feel that in this world.
Merry Christmas to everybody.
You know, Merry Christmas and recognize there are people out there that are keeping us in a place where we can enjoy and celebrate and that we have good reason to.
Love you guys.
Thank you, Julian Torres.
Yeah, it'd be great to have you come in, brother.
We will figure that out.
Thank you to everybody that called.
And we can't wait.
We can't wait.
We can't wait to start living.
You know, even if it's hard.
You guys be good to yourselves, baby, and stay alive and stay living, baby.
I'm upstairs.
Gang, son.
We're off next week.
We're taking a break.
And we will be back in the new year.
We're excited.
We're hopeful.
And we're going to keep going because that's what we do.
You guys be good to yourselves, baby.
You deserve it.
Gang.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends, sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
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Jamain.
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