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May 17, 2022 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von
01:07:54
E393 Maui Milkshake

Theo talks about his recent trip to Hawaii, an unfortunate incident at Arby's, and one woman's quest to find a man on Mother's Day. He also answers some of your calls and offers advice on how to find confidence in yourself.  ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com Podcastville mugs and prints available now at https://theovon.pixels.com ------------------------------------------------- Support our Sponsors: Mint Mobile: Go to https://mintmobile.com/THEO and cut your wireless bill to just $15/month Upstart: Go to https://upstart.com/THEO to check your rate today Manscaped: Go to https://manscaped.com to get 20% off + free shipping with code THEO Fitbod: Go to https://fitbod.me/THEO to get 25% off your subscription ------------------------------------------------- Music: "There is a Light" by Stonekeepers ft. David Manuel https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GlYmX8jvwz8&ab_channel=EpidemicSoul ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: tpwproducer@gmail.com Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: http://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Jeremy https://www.instagram.com/guyboybabyboolove/ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers/ Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Time Text
I like this one Whenever you're down Out in the cold Faithless and dark Your story's untold Come take my hand and walk there with me I know a place where we can be free There is a light shining
for you I know that our hearts will find a place where we can be free There is a light And that yeah that is uh There is a light we played it a month ago on there right around Easter on
that belated bunny episode we played that There is a light by Stone Keepers featuring David Manway Manu Manuay Manway Manui something Yeah, look hey hey hey hey it's uh middle of May and a lot going on in the world It's springtime, baby.
You know, you could hear the bees in the distance.
They're out there.
They out there honey hunting them bees, baby.
You can hear them.
You can hear that buzz, baby.
You can hear just Mother Nature just trying to just trying to skeet all over the place.
You know, it just.
It's pretty romantic, actually.
If you fall asleep, put your ear by the window before you go to bed.
You can hear them.
I mean, you just, the bees are up at night.
They just, everything's just trying to bloom and bust and just go on dates and just everything.
I mean, it is damn senior prom for Mother Nature right now, baby.
We are in the midst of spring.
Yeah, and I just got back from Maui.
I went on a small vacation for myself to get, just get my, just let my credentials get in order.
Just let the, just to let the sand settle inside of me a little bit.
And it felt good.
You know, if you've never been to Maui, you got to go there.
I mean, it's a lot of honeymooners.
So that was, you know, there's a lot of people holding hands.
And then sometimes everybody was holding hands so much, I found I would just put one of my hands out and then just hold, just hold it with the other hand just so I didn't feel out of place sometimes.
And so, you know, I kind of walked around like a lot of, you know, a lot of religious guys will do that too.
They'll shake your hand, they put the other hand on top of it.
They make that little hand hand, hand sandwich kind of out of, you know, just thank you for coming.
You know, people do that a lot of times at funerals.
They put, they shake the hand, they put the other hand on the double, there you go.
Just a little hand threesome right there.
Just thank you for coming.
You know, people will do that when they just double hand you.
The first time it ever happens usually is at a church that somebody will double hand you.
Like, damn, what happened?
You know, especially, I remember being young and just learning to shake hands.
You didn't know exactly how to, you know, sometimes I'd put my hand in backwards and just fucking, just, you know, I'd put my thumb facing down and whoever was shaking your hand didn't know what the hell to do.
You know, the guy just, sometimes he'd just lose it.
Just, he'd come out the damn closet.
He didn't even know what was happening, you know, just because if you, if you put your hand out and just the thumb is, it just blows somebody's mind in a handshake.
It's really, you can just really, somebody who's just been going through life very organized, shaking hands, you hit them with that upside down handshake and they just fucking, they can't handle it.
You know, they'll damn, you know, they'll fucking get a divorce.
They don't, they just don't know what's going on.
And then when you're growing up, handshaking is such a, man, I remember when somebody like, well, shake their hand.
You know, your mom tells you, shake their hand.
And you don't, you know, some of you put your hand out that you don't know at first.
And then, and then one time my dad introduced me to somebody and the guy shook my hand so hard.
And I remember thinking, all right, motherfucker.
All right, boy.
I'm going to fucking punch your little kid in the neck when I see him.
I just remember just thinking, I'm going to, you know, I'm going to get these bitches back.
This shit ain't over.
I remember that.
The guy, my dad introduced me to the guy and the guy just shook my hand so hard.
And I just remember thinking, all right, bitch, this shit ain't over.
And I had just, you know, just a lot, you know, so much happens in a handshake, especially when you're learning the ropes of handshaking.
It's a crazy time for a young fella or young woman.
So then when you shake somebody's hand and they do the dub, when they do this regular handshake and then they put their hand on top of your, on the back of your hand, and they're just running a train on your hand with their hands.
It's just, it's too much.
You're like, what?
I didn't know we could do that.
I thought you could only do one hand.
Just the rules keep changing, you know.
You're like, I thought we could only do one hand and this dude's tagging in his partner.
This dang, you know, this guy's, you know, the Steiner brothers every year.
I thought, you know, it was just a cage match and he's running a damn Royal Rumball on my hands.
It just, I remember just the slippery slopes of shaking hands and of learning what it was all like.
That was kind of interesting to me.
And then I dated a gal for a while that would do a hard handshake, and I'm like, I didn't want to introduce her to people because I knew she'd just be rattling them, just, you know, just damn, just, you know, testing their joints.
Every time you freaking introduced her to somebody, she would just test their joints, it felt like.
Just that was tough.
Jesus, I remember that.
That was tough.
Anyway, what's going on?
I'll get into it.
I went over to Maui, Hawaii to have a vacation for myself.
And man, it just, it's so nice.
And we got some beautiful calls that came in.
We'll get into a little bit of the news.
And yeah, just living today, baby.
Living and just letting the Lord just hold my ass.
I want to let you know these tour dates this week, actually.
Wednesday, I'll be in Albuquerque, New Mexico.
Thursday, I'll be in Midland, Texas.
Friday, May 20th, I'll be in Lubbock, Texas.
And then May 21st, I'll be in Dallas, Texas.
The following, beginning of June 2nd, Savannah, Georgia.
If you have friends over there, tell them to come through.
Augusta, Georgia, June 3rd, Montgomery, Alabama, June 4. And Columbus, GA, June 5. Then I'll be in Florida, June 23rd through the 26th.
Hollywood, Florida, Fort Myers, Daytona Beach, and Lakeland, Florida.
And that's all in June.
Go to theovon.com slash T-O-U-R to get those tickets.
Go through those links.
Don't let them get you on that secondary market.
You know, those secondary tickets, they might have fentanyl in them.
You don't know.
You don't know what's in them.
So we just want you to get that firsthand at the, you know, fair price tickets.
What else?
Oh, yeah, I went over to, we had some great shows out in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
And man, I just want to thank everybody that came through there.
That place had been, it had been sold out for months, they said.
And the staff there was all excited.
And yeah, I got into town over there.
I was feeling a little rattled.
So I went and hit an AA meeting right before the show over there off of Lewis Drive over there.
They got a spot over there.
I think the Unanimity Club or something deal.
I went over there with my shady ass handshake and just, you know, that hand, it's just, if somebody teaches you wrong how to handle, you just, you know, it just is interesting how somebody, that's the first thing they teach you, you know?
It's just, you know, it's just interesting.
Yeah, just a beautiful time over there in Tulsa.
And the staff, they said, you know, that that show had been sold out for months.
And it was just a lot of good people.
I met three guys named Tyler in the lobby in a row.
I went down before the show to get me a little burger or something.
You know, a little while.
I didn't know what I wanted.
And that's the worst.
The worst thing to do is wander downstairs into a casino, not sure what you want.
Because you could end up with anything, son.
You could end up with a little bit of amburger.
You could end up with a damn debt.
You could end up with hooker.
You could end up with gay men chasing you, men hookers.
So I think that has to be a new rule for me is when I leave a hotel room to have a plan in a casino.
But yeah, I went down there and met three Tylers in a row.
I said, well, damn, too bad this, you know, that it's not a human slot machine where you get three Tylers and you win something because I met three Tylers in a row.
Boom, boom, boom.
Taller, taller, taller.
Hey, my name's Taller.
Hey, I'm taller.
Guess what?
Taller.
So it was just triple Tylers, man, right out the gate over there.
And yeah, I wish I'd gotten to meet everybody that came out.
We stayed after and met some people that milled around in the lobby.
And I'm grateful for that.
And then we went on, oh, Los Angeles.
Dude, that was crazy.
That was crazy.
I mean, the crowds were so, it was during the Netflix is a joke festival.
And Netflix didn't do shit for us.
So I want to thank everybody that came out and supported.
Netflix did all the advertising for so many other acts, and they didn't give us shit.
And our crowd came out and showed love, man.
So thank you guys.
That meant a lot to me.
And those shows, damn, just, you know, they had a dude in there who kept trying to show me his tattoo during the show.
This guy had a tattoo on his back of angel wings.
And the whole time he's trying to show me the tattoo.
And I'm just thinking, finally, I kind of see what he's saying.
And I'm like, all of this, and I don't give a fuck, bruh.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, that was a, like, I'm glad you got it, but damn, dude, you know, like, you don't have to, this is the, this is in the time and place for all this, dude.
The guy kept trying, he kept like kind of giving these hand motions and pulling his shirt.
I didn't know what he was doing.
I don't know if he was doing laundry.
I didn't know what the guy was doing.
But none of it made any sense.
And then finally, his buddy, this little guy with him, who looked like he had the buddy looked like somebody had smoked him.
It looked like somebody had taken his friend and put him in a pipe and took a couple hits off him.
You know, the dude just looked a little crisped, a little crisped out.
And I think he even had like kind of burn marks.
Not like on his skin, but it's on his clothes.
Like somebody had tried to, you know, do like a maybe small campfire or something, like right next to him.
Like, he had that kind of vibe, you know.
But anyway, that guy finally pulled up his buddy's shirt and he's pointing it.
I'm like, I don't, I don't, and that's when I realized I don't give a fuck about that.
Like, there's a lot of things I do want to care about, but seeing a grown man's angel wing tats is not, that is nowhere on my list of things that I really want to care about.
But yeah, thank you to everybody that came out, man, and showed love.
And those, those shows were nuts.
They were just, people were cheering so much, it was like hard to even pay attention.
I didn't, there were times where I turned around and looked behind me.
I thought there was something, like there was a football game going on behind me.
It was just, it was live, man.
It was really live.
What else occurred?
Oh, I'll tell you about this, man.
So, oh, I went over to Maui.
And if you haven't been to Maui, then you got to do it.
You know, one of the nice things is the place shuts down early.
So 9 o'clock, you're in bed.
Everybody's in bed.
You can feel the whole, everybody is in bed.
Every bed, you can hear like every bed is just eating, you know, because somebody filled that bitch up.
Every bed in the joint has got something in its tummy, dude, something human just lodged right in the middle of it.
And it just feels, there's a huge relaxation to it.
Oh, and then this, this happened.
You know, sometimes like you run, you run into guys, and it's great, but sometimes when you're in a hotel or any place you're going to be for a long time, you could run into the guy countless times, you know, repetitionally.
And so this fellow, I'm at this hotel the second day, and this guy says, what's up?
He's a nice guy being real friendly.
And then finally he goes, hey, man, the conversation had kind of gotten where there wasn't much left to say, which is okay.
That's when everybody kind of goes their separate ways.
And he goes, hey, man, I'm going to give you six guesses what my name is.
And I'm like, oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck.
Because I don't want to do that.
I don't want that, man.
I don't want that.
You know, I don't want, I want no guesses what names the man is.
But, you know, I guess there's a part of me that likes games, I guess.
So I said, Alex.
And he goes, no, but that's close.
And he goes, I'll give you three extra guesses.
And I'm like, ah, fuck, dude.
I don't want that.
I don't want that, man.
I don't want that extra guesses.
So now I have nine guesses minus one.
Now I have eight guesses what this guy's name is.
And I don't want no guesses.
So anyway, he goes, and you don't have to guess again right now.
I'll see you around the way, right?
Because he worked at the place.
So dude, I kept, I ran into this guy.
I ran into this guy.
I mean, I ran into this guy 30 more times over the week.
And it was just a nightmare.
And finally, you know, I guessed like, I did like two other guesses because there was, you know, one day I had already done my wordle or whatever.
And so I was like, oh, I need a game to play.
And he fucking wandered up.
And he always wandered up.
I mean, he would wander up on a damn wind, you know?
I mean, somebody would cough a few feet away and he'd wander right up out of their damn esophagus.
This dude wandered up.
You know, he was the kind of guy that wandered up.
So finally, I'm trying to guess.
And I'm like, Tyler?
Is it Tyler?
The guy tells me that his name is Galaxy.
And that's why Alex was close.
And at that point, I knew it was time to leave, man.
It was time to leave, bro.
That's when it's time to go.
So what else happened there?
Beautiful place.
If you've never been to Maui, you need to go.
And you need to, also, they have a place there, Mama's Fish House over there, up near Paella or Paia.
You roll up there and dude, you got to know, like, there was no reservation.
So I call a few times.
There's no reservation.
And then I was up there anyway looking for a swimming hole where I picked up a hitchhiker.
Last time I was there, I picked up a hitchhiker.
And because I love hitchhikers, baby.
Now that's a game.
That's a game show.
You want to do a game show, pick up a hitchhiker and see what God wants for you.
Because that's the devil's rose shambeau, baby.
Hitchhikers?
Hello.
Hello.
So anyway, man, yeah.
What was I talking about?
Jeremy, what was I talking about?
Do you know?
Like before Maui?
Yeah.
Oh, no.
I don't know when I was talking about anything.
But, oh, I'll tell you this, man.
I got it.
Thanks, Jay.
We got Jeremy in here helping out today.
Grateful that he's here.
Oh, a man died, bro.
A man died.
So I'm at breakfast, right?
I'm at breakfast one morning, and the place I'm staying at, man, I treated myself.
The place I'm staying was pretty nice, dude.
They had like a concierge breakfast.
You go down there, you know, and it's fucking, you know, I don't know who the concierge was, but I'll tell you this, his wife can cook.
I'll say that.
Because they had it, bro.
They had it.
And they got Hawaii.
You know who it is, man.
They got a lot of beautiful, I mean, it's Asia, but it's more like those Pineapple Asians, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
And they know their smile first over there.
They're smile first, baby.
And just beautiful culture.
God, beautiful culture, man.
And they're also the Native Americans of the island.
People don't realize that.
Hawaiian people, they're like the Indian.
They're the sun.
They're like the saltwater Indians, baby.
They're over there.
There's those, you know, those volcano, they're the volcano forefathers.
I mean, those people are over there.
Anybody that can do sex on the side of a volcano.
Bro, that is.
I've done drugs and I've tried to get erect on when I was on half an eight ball, right?
Which is impossible, dude.
I remember one time, like just, I've done some tough things to try to get erect, but I, what was I talking about?
Oh, but anybody that's brave enough to do some serious fornicating on the side of a volcano, bruh, hats off to those people, son.
Hats off, son.
So yeah, shout out to beautiful Hawaiians, bruh.
That right there, they should win an award or whatever.
You know, if the president don't give out that award, you know, the volcano.
Because also you're doing sex on a damn, you're on a damn gradient against lava.
I mean, that's, that's, they deserve an award.
But, oh, at breakfast, a guy died, bro.
A guy.
Oh, I cannot even believe that that laugh just came out of me.
And that was, that's Satan, bro.
But a guy died at breakfast.
A guy met his maker, and I don't know what he was having.
I didn't get a look at his plate.
But my friend had joined me.
We're sitting over there, and we are, you know, she's doing a crossword or doing whatever brought her some joy.
And there's a rambunction in the corner.
And I didn't know what it was.
I thought maybe it was one of those Charlos and, you know, Charlos and Charlie's or whatever, where they shake the guy's neck and they put the liquor in his face and they shake your stepdad's neck or whatever until he can't even breathe or something.
And then they call it, you know, they're like, uh-oh, you go, Fatty.
You know, they say stuff like that to him, but they put the liquor in his mouth and they got the whistle and shit.
And then they, you know, put, take a picture or whatever, and they put, sell you like a magnet or whatever.
I thought it was that kind of thing because there's like a big rambunction.
But then I look over and they're yelling.
Somebody's yelling 911.
And I'm like, that is, that's old-fashioned.
That doesn't even make any sense really.
But then other people realize, oh, call 911.
So, because some guys just yelling 911, 911.
I'm like, oh, man.
I don't know.
I guess that's, I mean, it's definitely how it works, but it's just an older way of doing it.
So anyway, people started calling 911 and then they just asked that anybody be a doctor here.
And dude, when you're sitting there as a man, you're like, damn, you realize you have no skills, bro.
That's what I realized anyway.
I'm like, damn, somebody, they had the man on the ground.
And I mean, this brave guy came over.
And he's suddenly the bravest dude in the room because he knew skills to do CPR.
So he's doing it.
There's a nurse lady there.
She's doing it.
And they're just helping.
And then the rest of us are just sitting there.
And I just felt like, oh, man, I don't have any life-saving skills.
And there's something about that.
It hits you.
You're like, damn, all the things I've learned, and I haven't learned this skill.
I haven't learned a real.
And the worst part, oh, here's the worst part.
So they're over there.
They save the guy.
They're bringing him back and he goes back to the other side.
I mean, he's just playing Red Rover with the devil over there, you know, or with the Lord.
I don't know his backstory.
But that guy is just, they're like, you know, send, you know, Andy or whatever, you know, Red Rover, you know, send And they're just, he's going back.
He's in and out and in and out.
And they're like, we're losing him.
We're gaining him.
We're losing him.
We're gaining him.
And I didn't know what to do, dude.
And then this is the saddest part.
I just started eating again.
And I'm like, oh my God, am I the kind of guy that just eats when somebody's dying?
Oh, man.
And so that kind of broke my heart.
I'm like, and I remember just like, I cut into this sausage patty and I'm like, there's no way you're going to eat right now.
Right.
Because there was like, it was obvious there was like a group of people that had going over to help.
And if you can't help, you got to stay out the way.
You can't be over there just, you know, lighting candles or like, you know, somebody was there with his wife.
So everything, you know, all the corners were kind of covered.
And I said a few prayers.
But then I just started eating this sausage patty, dude.
And it fucked, honestly, man, it broke my heart.
I'm like, do I?
I don't know.
It just, there was something about it.
It was just a lot, man.
I'm like, oh.
And I had one bite.
I'm like, there's no way I'm going to have another bite because you can hear them doing the CPR.
And then I had another bite.
And I'm like, oh my God, bro, just stop eating.
Just stop eating.
If there's any time where God is looking down at the earth to see what's happening, it's when somebody's transporting through.
You know, the portal between life and death is open here.
And this guy is about to freaking Andy Dufrane his way up there.
And I'm sitting there eating, bro.
Oh.
It was so bad, man.
Oh, it just felt weird.
So that was that, bro.
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But man, I just love Maui.
I love the people.
I love the energy.
You know, just the kindness of the local Hawaiian people, the culture.
You know, it really does make you look back and wonder if like people taking over lands and like colonizing, just what it did to the nature of everything.
How much it disoriented that the heartbeat, the original heartbeat of nature.
And how much it all got rattled off, you know.
And how much it got distorted and reverbed and just, you know, unequalized and all of that, whatever.
I don't know all the audio terms, but it makes you wonder, you know, and I'm not dis You know, I'm not saying nothing bad, you know, for anybody that's, I mean, whatever happened in the past happened.
But it does when you, you know, when you're in a place like Hawaii, dog or my Maui.
You don't, it's like, you know, you're just so close to nature.
It's like you're just fucking, it's like you're in a damn hammock.
And each end of the hammock is one of nature's nuts, bruh.
And you're just right there.
God, you feel like a damn dinosaur could come and clean your ass with its paw.
That's Maui, man.
You right there.
You right there, baby.
And they got shave ice and everybody's just, you know, somebody be dying and they're just like, hey, surf's up, you know, just like, you're dying.
Like, it doesn't matter, almost.
I'm out of here, you know.
So anyway, beautiful vibe over there.
And yeah, that's what was going on in Maui.
I was grateful to be over there.
Didn't do any shows, but thoroughly enjoyed myself.
And yeah, and just grateful to people that came out to the shows that we did have in Tulsa.
And we popped in Oklahoma City just for a short one over there.
And then the one in Los Angeles.
But let's get into the news, man.
We got some beautiful calls that came in from you guys, and let's get into the news.
What do you got over there, brother?
See, we got the story.
Couple robbed of $19,000 in watches, suspect flees, and a Rolls-Royce.
This happened in Los Angeles.
There you go to just say where in Los Angeles?
West Hollywood, it looks like.
Hollywood, baby.
Well, one of the issues that we deal with in Hollywood is in Hollywood, you can't protect yourself anymore.
If you have a weapon, somebody writes an article, oh, this person had a weapon, you know, and you're like, oh, anybody trying to defend themselves or take care of themselves in Hollywood is looked down upon.
Oh, you got a frying pan?
Oh, you got, oh, no, that's an egg weapon.
That's a, what are you doing to eggs?
Are you mistreating eggs in the morning?
Like, Mitch, it's a frying pan.
Everything in this city, you can't have nothing.
Everything in Hollywood, you can't have nothing.
They'll come, oh, you, oh, you got a strong chin.
You better check that at the airport.
I had a black friend.
I brought a black friend somewhere the other day.
They're like, do you have a permit for that guy?
I said, that's Andre, bro.
What are you?
What?
You can't have, everything is dangerous here.
Everything is dangerous, man.
Hollywood, I just never met a place like that.
So if rich people are starting to pop off on rich people, look, I'll buy a front.
I'll watch that on Zoom.
That's where I'm at with it.
It's about time, man.
I'm tired of poor people having to do all the fighting.
I'm ready.
So the rich versus the rich, baby, let's go.
I'm here for that.
What else do we have here?
Jared, what else we got?
Fired Arby's manager admits to urinating at least twice in milkshake mix, police say.
This took place in Vancouver, Washington.
Okay, and look, we knew this was happening.
There's nobody who lays their head down at night on any decent pillow and says honestly to themselves that Arby's employees are not urinating in the beverages.
There's no, if you're honest with yourself, you laid it, close your eyes right now and ask yourself, are Arby's employees urinating in the beverages?
And your heart will tell you, yeah.
Because that's where we are.
And honestly, that's where we've always been.
And the craziest part is this kind of goes into that moment when an officer's like, how many beers have you had?
And you always just say two.
Don't say you've had more than two, bro.
You've had more than two.
You know, you left your kid in the car one day while you were at CVS.
You've had more than two beers.
But that's what it is.
Like, hey, Mr. Arby's manager, sir, how many times have you urinated in the, what was it?
Milkshake mix.
Oh, damn, boy.
Yes, sir.
How many times have you urinated in the milkshake mix, boy?
And, oh, just two.
Two.
I've only had two, sir.
Yeah.
We know you have more, boy.
Look, I charge extra in half of these countries and shit.
They pay.
Rich people are drinking piss, man.
If you bring them some piss from them Guatemala or somewhere, foreign piss, they'll sip it.
Dude, some of these high-dollar political functions are over there.
Somebody's somo yang off that freaking that nut snifter, dog.
You know what I'm saying?
Off that penis wine, baby.
Piss.
Urine.
So you know rich people, they'll pay to drink that shit.
That's the craziest thing.
You go piss on a rich person, they get mad.
But you piss in a jar and put it on a fancy website and no buy it.
That's insane, isn't it?
But yeah, only twice in the milk.
There's no way.
First of all, how freaking good does it have to feel to piss into a if that thing's mixing up in like a beautiful and you just dousing it up?
Dude, I remember throwing parties in college and I would stand by the keg.
It was in the kitchen in the corner.
I'd stand there, a couple hundred people at the house because we did it good at LSU at the commas, baby gang.
Gang, son.
We threw that shit, dude.
We threw somebody.
I remember I saw this one chick, Belinda, somebody shot a potato gun, right?
And she was just looking for her keys, right, about 70 yards away.
And that thing caught her right in the neck, boy.
Old totneck Belinda, son.
Damn, baby.
She never been the same, bruh.
She always, she freaking can only look one way when she crosses the street now, bro.
She freaking, that thing hooked her.
But anyway, I hope she's doing good.
And what are we talking about, Jeremy?
Do you remember it?
We're talking about RPs, maybe?
Oh, RBs.
I see what you're saying.
That's an RB.
That's a play on lettering, and I love it.
Yeah, RBs, dog.
And look, I worked at a place.
Oh, yeah.
At my joint, at the party, we would fill cold beers up in a cup, and then every now and then we would do a cup of urine, pass it off across the party.
People didn't know.
Those people are doing well now.
They have families.
That's God.
You know, and it's just sometimes life gives you lemonade.
Sometimes you get that little bit of that piss at the Arby's.
And you knew that.
You knew when you walked into Arby's, there could be piss in something.
Now that you definitely knew.
You knew when you walked into Arby's, something I'm eating here probably gots a little bit of that body liquor in it.
You know what I'm saying?
That freaking scrotum gin, baby.
You don't talk about piss.
And one more thing about Arby's is, why don't we have, they need to put birth control in the meat?
Why don't Arby, that needs to be the next thing.
That seemed like a perfect part of the Biden administration's, you know insurance medical deal let's get birth control put into the meat at arby's i mean how many people would vote for that everybody what else we got there jer uh they had something with the breast milk i saw see yeah we got uh utah mom selling almost 4 000 ounces of breast milk as baby formula shortage
continues this happened in uh utah alyssa chitty has three freezers full of breast milk and you look that's where we are now that's what i mean i'm telling you we are getting to a place where you can't count on these big companies anymore they're all in lawsuits there's too they don't know any what they're too disconnected from the customer so people going right off the bag
now you want that you uh we got piss milkshakes we got fresh from i mean that is just from uh firm to table baby right there if you you go people going door to door shooting each other for uh breast milk titty milk men are trying to do you see a lot of gay men trying to and they don't even have kids they're just trying to uh do ejaculate out of their nipples just crazy it's getting weird man
and ladies if you got that strong hooter baby juice it out juice it out son especially Utah you up at that high elevation so if you don't think you can sell that high elevation freaking bee ski baby you know what I'm talking about Brasmuk if you don't think you can sell that for a decent dollar baby then you're wrong honey if you're sitting around just doing wordle all day and
you got them freaking them freaking forest lumps baby them damn fucking leche furnaces just brewing you know women are always like I want to open up a business but you got two businesses right there you got them freaking little sternum corporations baby juice them out juice them bitches I'll buy a hot gram of breast milk off of somebody and especially this is this is basic
white Utah breast milk man that's just a basic homogenized shit you get into there you get a nice urban lady out there she got those extra red blood cells up in that up in the milk or you get a Native American lady and she got them you know what I'm saying she got the forefathers in the milk you know what I'm saying you could really there's definitely a way to um what's that called uh uh uh it's a business thing um there's
definitely some uh it means like going up do you know what it is uh I don't I don't know trajectory yeah I don't know no no that's not a good guess verticals they call it verticals other ways you can make money on it but yeah if you yeah so there's way I mean there's definitely some upsells in there you know if you want that if you want that extra breast milk
you want that extra half ounce or you get that daytime milk or you want that night batch now a lot of ladies don't realize if you slanging breast milk on the internet then you can also slang that night batch you know that uh if you want to sell that nocturnal freaking uh that nocturnal nipple beverage baby you know what I'm talking about titty milk titty milk we had this kid in our neighborhood he couldn't talk much but he could say titty milk I
won't come teddy milk titty milk titty milk and we'd always be like what do you want and he'd be like titty milk titty milk so anyway there's definitely a big market out there for it because look we're all becoming babies anyway you know I'm an adult baby half my friends are everybody I know damn I would look if I hit a vending machine and
nobody was looking I'd have me a little gang baby I don't think if we have any other news in that do we I don't think so praise God baby happy to be alive today and I'm happy to get into some of you guys' calls you know and I want to thank you guys that come out and support me man on the shows and just support me while watching this show you know we had uh and just have been supportive man it has been a tough I've had a tough few years
and I don't mean that I'm complaining I just haven't been feeling great and you guys have been there with me the whole time and and yeah we just you know we don't give up so I just want to say thank you from the inside of my heart baby you know what I'm saying from damn just deep in my damn just from the I mean just the real you guys are the piss in my milkshake so I love y'all all right let's
get into some calls here let you know also that we have some new gang gang hoodies and tees that are available now at theovonstore.com we got the bobblehead that bee head baby if you need them you can get a hold of those at theovonstore.com thank you guys for supporting the podcast thank you for our patreon supporters and yeah the hotline as always if something's going on with you and
um uh the hotline is 985-664-9503 uh we got some more help now working with the podcast too so excited to uh see how that works out and um just help get our just I feel like get the wheels back going and keep things going well you know we got an important group here of humans and
we got to take care of we got to take care of as much as we can.
So trying to lean into that more and just grateful for you guys.
Let's take some calls here.
As always, the hotline is 985-664-9503.
Let's take one here.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo.
Got yourself a little Covington single mama drama going on.
I can't believe you got the 985.
My 985 touching your 985 right now.
Well, anyway.
So it's Mother's Day morning, and I'm just wondering, what has a single mama got to do to get some good loving?
All these men are scared.
I mean, for me personally, I feel like if you've got a single mom coming for you, you know, and like putting the heat on you, it's like you already got half the equation figured out.
Like, you know, she makes cute kids.
You know she cooks.
You know she's responsible.
You know she could keep your offspring alive.
You know, it's like, what's the big question here?
You know, I mean.
Yeah, look, I mean, I think, well, let me hear more.
Let me hear more what's going on.
So you're trying to get a little action, and you're from down there in Covington, Louisiana, and I appreciate the beautiful place there.
And I was conceived somewhere over there near the Chafuncta River over there.
And a lot of snakes around there, and a lot of mosquitoes.
Malaria was big when I was young.
And what else?
Rabies.
Definitely down there in the bottom of the rabies belt.
Let's hear more.
Why is everybody so terrified of single moms?
Or maybe it's just me.
It could just be me.
But there was somebody that I got a little involved with, and he told me that he was this big Theo Vaughn fan.
I was like, oh, I know that guy from Covington.
I don't know you, but I know that you're from Covington.
Me too.
Anyway, I was like, well, shit, I'm going to have to call this motherfucker and find out what kind of messaging you're giving these boys.
Because, I mean, they're going out on the street saying, yeah, Theo Vaughn, Theo Vaughn, big fan of single moms, single moms.
You know, it's Mother's Day Eve.
I sent that booty call.
It was just me and the magic wand this morning, man.
Dang, baby girl.
Dang.
Dang.
Well, also, if you're giving your body away to that magic wand all the time, then, you know, I think a lot of men can sense that.
A lot of men can sense sometimes if that garden has been hand dug or if somebody's been using a rotor on it.
So that could be something.
I don't know.
Now, that's just, I'm just gesticulating or verb.
I'm just speaking.
But now, look, if you met a guy, he said he's a Theo Von fan, he's texting you and stuff, but he's not coming over and putting it down, that sounds like a Theo Von fan.
You know what I'm saying, girl?
That's what we do, baby.
We front it up, but we don't back it up a lot of times.
You know what I'm saying?
Especially, look, he probably jerked off on the way over there.
If I'm real honest with you, dude, I was in love one time with this girl, and the problem was it was 17 miles to get to her place.
And this was out near Covington, and if you went up north of Covington, and 17 miles, when you all horned out, you know, when you really young and just full of just bust, you know, I mean, you just nuts are just made out of damn, just God's dynamite, baby.
You know what I'm talking about, semen.
And when you are just just, your nuts are just rationed up to the top with that sweet cream, can I have some?
I mean, you can't drive 17 miles without pulling over and relieving yourself somewhere near a damn mile marker.
You know, if you want to bet $40 that I haven't e-jacked on the back of a damn mile marker, then you're going to lose your money.
I'm going to tell you that right now, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
36.5, baby.
So yeah, look, I'm just saying that could have been it.
The guy is so nervous he can't even handle all, you know, it's hard to drive when your body's full of the devil's fever.
It's hard to drive that sickness across town without pulling over to relieve it.
So, but yeah, we appreciate the call there, lady, and we hope somebody comes over and gets that throbbing and really just robs that throbbing right out of your crotch for you.
And yeah, we'll get back to doing some stuff for some single moms and stuff soon or single dads.
We've had some callers talk about that, and we're going to get back into some of that.
You know, it can be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
That's a fact, man.
When you have high interest debt, that's a double fact.
Man, when you have debt, but you're also paying a high interest rate, it just hurts you.
It hurts your dang nuts in your back.
Saying goodbye to high-interest credit card debt is one of the first steps towards financial independence.
But the interest month after month can feel like you're in a never-ending hamster wheel.
That's where Upstart comes in.
We've all been there.
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When that happens, it can feel like the weight of the world is coming down.
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They consider income, employment, and other information provided in your loan application.
Don't wait and check your rate today at upstart.com slash T-H-E-O.
That's upstart.com slash Theo to check your rate today.
Don't forget to use our URL to let them know we sent you.
And you want to make sure that you're not paying high interest credit card debt.
Loan amounts will be determined based on your credit income and other certain information provided in your loan application.
Go to upstart.com slash Theo.
Look, after years of fine print contracts and getting ripped off by big wireless providers, if we've learned anything, it's that there's always a catch.
So when I first heard that Mint Mobile was offering premium wireless at just $15 a month, I said, well, what's the catch?
Well, Mint Mobile doesn't have a retail store, so they cut out that Brooke and Mortal.
You don't have to do that anymore.
They're the first company to sell wireless service only, online only.
That's right.
For anyone who hates their phone bill, Mint Mobile offers premium wireless for just $15 a month.
Switch to Mint Mobile.
Get premium wireless.
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Gives you the best rate whether you're buying for one or a family.
To get your new wireless plan for just $15 a month and get the plan shipped to your door for free, go to mintmobile.com slash Theo.
That's M-I-N-T-M-O-B-I-L-E dot com slash T-H-E-O.
Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com.
All right, let's take another call here.
Hey, Theo.
It's Chris Goss.
I'm currently stationed at.
What's up, Chris?
Thanks for calling in, brother.
And Chris is a name short for Christmas.
Short for what else?
Galaxy?
No.
I don't know what else.
Let's hear more.
Fort Riley, Kansas, but I'm getting out of the Army.
I'm going back home to good old fucking Palmdale, California.
Palmdale, CA.
I did a comedy show up there one time and almost got abused actually in a parking lot up there.
Homeward.
It's kind of a bittersweet feeling, but I don't know, man.
I feel like I failed a lot in my Army career and the career that I've had a chance in before the Army.
I was supposed to be a part of, you know, the music industry, all this shit, and I pissed it all away because of, you know, bad habits and drugs and thinking I was Mr. Fucking know-it-all.
But I don't know.
What kind of, I don't know, I'm kind of asking, like, what do you do to make yourself feel not like a failure, I guess you could say?
Like, I'm just struggling, man, because everywhere I turn, I feel like I fuck it up.
I feel like I never get anything right, man.
So a little bit of advice would help, man.
Thanks for the call, man.
And I'm sorry that you're feeling like that.
I want to let you know right off the bat, you sound like a confident young man.
You sound like you got a good voice on your strong throat.
You're able to speak.
I just want to remind you, you're calling because you care about yourself.
You're trying to take action.
So those are all really cool things you're doing for yourself, man.
So a failure doesn't do any of that.
Well, for myself, sometimes my own perception, I can't rely on it because my perception is too harsh on me.
My perception doesn't remember the wins that I do.
My perception chooses to not make me the hero sometimes.
And I don't mean in an egotistical way.
It chooses to not give me the benefit of the doubt.
You know, sometimes I treat myself in ways that I would never treat somebody else.
So I have to then ask other people.
I have to get people around me that I trust and ask them, you know, what do you think is going on here?
Am I okay?
Am I a failure?
And I have to take their word for it.
And I have to, and if I trust those people and take their word and I believe them, believe that they care about me, then I know that they would tell me the truth.
And so sometimes my own, as much of a bummer as it is to say, my own perception is not the best place for me to get a judgment of myself.
I think we live in a time, in an environment where we don't know the effects of seeing so much of ourselves all the time and of how much of we are getting our perception from the outside instead of the inside, where it used to come from, which I think was a much healthier place.
And as far as being a failure, man, I'll tell you what, a failure is somebody that doesn't try.
I know I mentioned that, but a failure isn't somebody that's trying to figure out what's going on with themselves.
You know, I feel like a failure all the time, man.
I compare myself to my friends.
I look at certain things.
I look at what, you know, this isn't perfect.
This is.
I'm a failure.
Man, I am a failure.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
You know, why can't you do things right?
Why can't, and the truth is, some of that shit, that voice isn't really mine, man.
That's not a good, that's not a good, it's not safe for me to really even listen to that voice inside of me.
Because yeah, failure doesn't try.
You know, a failure doesn't try, man.
And so I know that by even make, you're trying to see what's going on, you're trying.
So those things didn't work out.
That's okay.
But now if we don't learn from those things, then that's where we start to see patterns where it's like, man, I'm not a failure, but I am a repeater.
Now that's one thing.
Look, I'll be a dang repeater, dog.
You know, I'll piss in my own milkshake a lot of times.
And I'll sit there and swig on it and pretend I didn't, man.
But after a while, I got to realize that some of this urine taste is because of me.
So you know, you might be making some missteps here or there, but you also might just be making some steps.
You know, a step isn't always a step is always positive, but it's not always forward.
You know, it could be, you know, I don't know.
I'm just saying, man, that you're trying, bro.
And failures don't try, and you're learning things.
You're going to take these pieces of what you've learned.
You might take a piece of the military and a piece of the music, you know.
You might build a machine gun that shoots songs at people, you know, and just hit somebody with a damn, you know, you may hit somebody with a damn first class, you know.
You might damn just, you know, do a drive-by at a, you know, somewhere and next, you know, everybody's singing Aerosmith.
You know what I'm saying?
You might invent something that you don't, you just don't know what the pieces that you are doing, what those are going to be used for.
So I don't think you're failing, man.
I think you're learning, though.
I hope you are, you know, and I think you're training for whatever the best you is going to be.
And I know it's hard, man.
I know it's hard.
You know?
But just don't feel like you're alone.
And just don't give up, man.
And if nothing changes, nothing changes.
You got to remember that.
You know, and for myself, you know, I get back into 12-step.
I've recently really leaned back into my recovery program.
And there's even little moments during this podcast where I feel more like myself than I have in years.
And yeah, I got therapy today.
I'm going to talk to my sponsor later today.
I'm putting things in place for me that I know are going to help me have a better future that are going to help me take care of myself.
And I don't even want to really sometimes.
You know, the craziest thing is sometimes I don't even want to take care of myself.
There's a part of me that doesn't even want to take care of me.
Because I think some of that part of me is just like, oh, this was somebody else's job a long time ago and they never did it.
And why do I have to still be doing this job?
You know?
But I can't let that part of me win.
Not today anyway.
So, but look, man, I love you, bruh.
And I'm proud of you.
And thank you for your service, dude.
Thank you for going and trying.
You know how many times I sit around regretting that I didn't even try?
You might be able to go back in sometimes, you know?
Fuck, just put on some high boots and listen to two episodes of Jocko, bruh.
You know what I'm saying?
You're not in the military, but you fucking, you'll scale your neighbor's fence and attack that bastard at a barbecue.
I know that shit, bro.
That shit'll get you dialed up, son.
But thank you guys for being a part of my life.
We're looking for some new jobs.
We want to have people call in too.
Do we know any of those?
What are some of those that we were looking at?
If you know someone who is a unique personality that does coronering, somebody that does core coronering, dealing with the death right there.
That last little guy, that fella that tickles you at the finish line, if you know somebody that does that and has a unique personality.
And yeah, if there's a retired homicide detective, we'd like to speak with one.
Somebody that's Amish, done full Amish or part.
We want full.
I don't want no fake Amish in here.
You know what I'm saying?
We want full Amish or Mennonite.
And we're also looking for somebody that has somebody who has been a longtime employee, a 7-Eleven employee we're looking for in a unique area.
We want somebody that's really been through the shit.
And those people can email in the producer email.
What is it?
TPW producer at Gmail?
TPW Producer at Gmail if you have somebody to recommend for those things.
And what should they send in?
What's the best way for them to send something?
How do they?
I would put something in the title line that stands out, maybe the name of your job, and then just put location, contact, years of experience, and anything else that you might want to add.
Okay, great.
Yeah.
And if you're recommending someone, you could also get a video of them or something and send it in there to the email.
But look, man, I love you guys.
Thank you guys for being a part of my life.
We're going to go out the same way we came in.
You know, I like this music.
It just kind of made me feel lifted up.
And this is There is a Light by the Stone Keepers.
We had a lot of great calls.
We'll get to some of them next time as well.
If you haven't checked out the Trauma Restoration Man, go get an inkling of him.
If you know another good trauma restoration man who's really been through some unique things, you might be able to submit them as well.
But check that episode.
We got Tim Dylan coming up soon and looking forward to a lot of great guests.
But you guys also hit the hotline.
Let me know what job you do.
What do you do?
Where do you listen to the episode at?
Just put that in the voicemail.
985-664-9503.
Y'all keep my stepdad in your prayers this week.
He's going in for surgery.
And I'm keeping him in mind.
You guys be good to yourselves, baby.
And love you guys.
Bang.
Bang.
Yeah.
you you deserve it baby
This is There Is a Light by Stonekeepers and David Manuel Manuel Manuel Manuel Manuel Galaxy Come
on, baby.
Whenever you're down out in the cold, come on, faithless and dark, your story's untold.
Let's do it, baby.
Come take my hand and walk there with me.
I know a place where we can be free.
There is a light shining for you, guiding your way, helping you through shadow.
Our heart to see will find a place where we can be free from the mountain top, down to the deepest valley.
Hear a voice calling you.
It's the rising sun shining in the darkness.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long.
Longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sweetheart.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Do you know what I mean?
Oh, hi.
I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
Oh, no.
*BEEP*
I think Tom Hanks just buttiled me.
Anyway, first rule of Kai Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
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