Theo discusses his views on St. Patrick's Day, the Bill Burr controversy at the Grammy's, Panda Express hazing it's new employees and buying a new house in Nashville. Plus, Theo gives a single mom with Stage 4 cancer a big surprise.
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You know, happy St. Patrick's Day.
If you get sunburned easily or if somebody slaps you, everybody can tell then this holiday is for you.
If dogs get angry at you sometimes when they see you, because it can be a little shocking, you know, just the contrast or the contrast of just the reflection coming off of you sometimes can do that.
Then this holiday is for you.
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
If two or three minutes in the sun can absolutely put you in the hospital, maybe, and maybe even affect your DNA so that your children and great-great-grandchildren and everyone you know ends up being addicted to alcohol, then this holiday is for you.
Happy St. Patty's Day, everyone.
St. Patty.
What are some famous saints they had?
Let me look at some.
Famous saints they had.
Anthony Joseph.
Oh, Joseph was always trying to saint your sister down.
You know what I'm saying, boy?
You know little Joseph, bro.
He sneak over, dude, put a handful of freaking dirty holy water into your sister's mouth, you know?
Trying to get her to freaking do some free basin or whatever.
But who else did they have?
Michael the Archangel?
Peter?
And then they had Patty.
Dude, you know St. Patty was like...
She was probably, I'm guessing probably transgender.
If you go back to, you know, the past, then it's probably St. Patty was definitely trans.
You know, there comes St. Patty.
And St. Patty give you a little butterscotch, give you a little handful of mint.
You know?
Put a little molasses under your tongue, man.
We used to have this guy that worked at our middle school named Mr. Rubin.
And he was named after probably the meat, the sandwich meat.
And he would put a little molasses under your tongue, baby.
You know, when he saw you.
He'd keep him a little dropper, like one of them squirrel feeders.
And when he saw you, if you was kind of being loud or something, he'd hit you with that lasses, baby.
He'd just douse you up.
And you couldn't help but feel good.
Molasses, it's kind of sweet and also kind of earthy, kind of sour, kind of urban, a little bit Canadian, but also a little has just a mild kind of maple-y Japanese kind of after, you know, kind of repast or something vibe, you know.
But anyway, happy St. Patty's Day, man.
A lot of people out there, the Irish, and they're good, man.
The Irish.
If you see the Irish, they're usually doing something.
Sometimes they just get so plastered they don't even...
Da!
And people are like, yeah, yeah, man, that guy's Irish, bro.
You know, let him celebrate, baby.
So this is your day, man.
Thank you guys for being here with me today and for getting into this episode.
It is the year 2021.
And we are traveling through space and time in unison.
And this is our time.
Mmm.
This is Grady Spencer and the work.
You always are the one who keeps us together.
You always are the one who knows just what we need.
You always are the one who stays home with me, baby.
You're gonna be the one who stays right here with me.
Well, I've been working fingers down to a bloody mix.
And I've been working sanity down to the bone.
Well, I've been working hard as I can to just find some time.
Time to get you all along.
So we can, we can, going out on the city.
Going out on the city, baby.
Have a little whiskey and wine.
Have a little whiskey and wine.
Baby, you know you're so pretty.
Oh And I don't know about the baby.
This is our time.
That is Grady Spencer and the work, and that's their album.
You know, they do a song and they, and, you know, it's amazing.
Somebody makes a song and then you get to enjoy it.
And that's called Transmission.
Happy St. Patrick's.
You know, happy St. Patty and happy everybody named Patty.
Everybody that's ever been patted on the back.
Everybody that's ever had a patch on their pants.
You know, everybody who's ever attempted a point after touchdown.
I commend you.
I commend you all on this beautiful day to enjoy the color green.
I said, Sean, he gets, you know, get a little something.
Step up the studio.
We got a couple of, these look like Florida plants a little.
Something from Florida.
And we got that vibe.
We got a little bitty hat.
Okay, somebody come through that's kind of small-headed.
And what's up?
Went to jujitsu today.
Man, what something?
Well, I'll be honest with you, man.
They had me fight.
It's not going well.
I'll say that.
I have tapped out two fighters, women fighters.
You know, females, they call them females.
But as far as I'm concerned, once you get in the dodgeo dog, it's all mono-y mano.
You know, leave your tits at the door, boo-boo.
It's, you know, we both going toe to toe here.
It doesn't matter.
Everybody gots a wiener in here.
That's how I look at it.
So, but the crazy part, they made me like fight a, I guess a blind guy.
And this guy's blind, bro.
Legally blind or illegally blind, I guess.
I don't know which one he is.
I haven't seen like his prison record and stuff, but he's blind.
So it's kind of crazy because I'll just be real quiet.
And they say that's cheating.
So it's like, I don't know.
You learn as you go.
I'm just grateful to be in there.
I hurt one of my wrists so bad, though, I couldn't even wipe my buttocks, man.
If I was doing number two, doing a duty, I couldn't put enough pressure onto the tissue.
I just could.
It was like, you know, I just couldn't do it.
So then I had to wipe my buttocks with an alternate hand, which I don't know if you've ever done that.
But it's, first of all, it's very scary.
I didn't even know how to do it.
It's kind of like when somebody has you shoot a free throw or something with your opposing hand.
You know, if somebody has you use your opposing hand, you, it's scary, bro.
It feels like you feel like you feel like kind of blind in your arm or something.
You feel like your whole arm is blind.
You know, it just, you can't do it.
You can't, you just, you can't do it, man.
So that, that, uh, that's something that's tricky, man.
You know, that's something that even Mr. Rubin with a couple freaking baby bird droppers of that molasses can't handle and can't heal.
So anyway, yeah, just been going through a lot of aches and pains with that and dealing with that and just getting through it.
Fighting the blind, fighting the females, bro.
You know?
Yeah, you know, they're very accepting of me over there.
They work with me.
It's just harder.
Your body gets older.
It gets harder.
You got to make sure everything.
Here's what I noticed about getting older.
I notice when I jump somewhere, I have to look where I'm jumping.
I used to just jump.
I would jump.
I would land.
I'm going.
I'm already on to the next whatever it is.
But now it's like if I'm, say I'm going for a jog or something, I'm going to jump over something.
There's a couple seconds of planning.
It's like almost like a quarter block of planning.
Okay.
When I get up here, I'm going to do this jump.
And it's not even anything big.
It's like a little, it's like two sticks that have somehow found their way together.
Two sticks or a, you know, a little sea herb or something, curb.
You know, and so I, but I was like, all right, here we go.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Okay.
And so it just, it's so much more of a thing.
When you was a child, you'd run and jump over something.
You didn't know.
You'd jump over it and keep going.
Never even thought twice or even once about it.
But different times, man.
I got a home.
I got a place.
I'm keeping my place in Los Angeles.
I got a place out here in the Central East.
So I'm going to experiment with that.
It's exciting, but nerve-wracking.
But it's kind of nice.
It's like you can, things are a little more chill and then things are a little bit more when I go to Los Angeles and it's for if I want to go there for a month or if I want to work on something or, you know, we're doing podcasting, whatever.
It's great.
It's kind of nice to be able to be in different places.
So I'm real grateful to have that ability.
And ability is just that's just when you can do something and you, it's not even when you then do it, it's just when you can do something.
So there's a lot of ability out there that never gets acted on, which is kind of wild, really.
But I went over there the other night and I like, because the place closed yesterday and I went over there and, man, I like walked in and I was like, I was almost kind of spooked out.
It was like, all right, I guess.
And I didn't even stay.
I just came back to the Airbnb that I've been over at.
You know, it feels like, I don't know, I guess it feels like maybe you should have like a family or something or maybe it feels like you should have there should be some other level.
I don't know.
I think I need to get some groceries.
That will help me get more acclimated.
So, but those are some things that are going on or have been.
What else?
Oh, I went to a basketball game.
I went to the LSU, was playing in the SEC tournament.
And I really love LSU basketball.
My father was friends with Dale Brown when he was, I don't know, when they were children.
And Dale Brown's like an old coach of LSU.
And anyway, anyway, so I go down to the game.
I took a date.
Took a date.
Go down to the game.
And first of all, I didn't have tickets.
I didn't have any entry certificates, you know.
So I'm thinking, I got to get, you know, I need to hit one of these vendors, a vendor.
And so I go, and the man, they got a big fella out there.
And the dude was kind of an urban dude.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, kind of like seemed black.
And so he was eating something.
He was polishing off something.
He was a big guy.
He reminded me of Balou, I think.
Balou Bayer.
Let me look him.
Yes.
He had that physique.
That same physique, baby.
That P-hizeke as Balou from the Jungle Book.
Very like lean, like kind of like, well, look, first of all, if you've been to an SEC event or something, there's a lot of country people there.
So a lot of people resembled kind of a snowman-esque or melted snowman.
You know, that body style where it was just somebody wearing a 9XL t-shirt with no pants, just totally, it went down to their shoes and then they just kind of tied it off at the bottom.
You know, just a lot of unique body styles.
Very plush, I would say, overall.
You know, I'd say kind of flammable type of body, you know, real soft, real flammable body style.
Anyway, so this fella, we go over and trying to get some tickets, and I should have just got him before I go.
And the man named was Sherlock.
Okay, the man name was Sherlock.
And he said, oh, my brother has them, Yard Boy.
So the second he said Yard Boy, I could see my date was kind of, she wasn't real sure about, I think probably the way I operate, I would say maybe she was, she knew that this was getting interesting and this wasn't the type of interesting she wanted, you know?
Her, like for her, probably her, you know, you know, I think as interest anyway, so she, so anyway, we got, we start walking down the street, so we see Yard Boy, right?
And he basically looks just like the guy.
He looks just like Sherlock.
And Sherlock was eating something, man, or he had crumbs built in around his mouth.
Like, but it looked like he'd been croissant, you know, like he'd been French snacking.
You know what I'm saying?
He had that big, that big baby bear look where he's definitely stuck his head into a bakery window and kind of had his way while the cashier was in the restroom.
You know what I'm saying?
So anyway, Sherlock is doing his thing and there we meet up with Yardboy.
And Yard Boy is from, I want to say Jamaica maybe, but that's also just me guessing because if I hear any sort of island sound, my brain immediately goes, Yameka, you know, Yama, place a bed with me.
Welcome to Jamaica.
Which reminds me, actually, I was in, I don't even know if it was Jamaica one time, could have been Dominican Republic or Trinidad or somewhere.
Dang, I'm saying Panny.
It could have been somewhere like that.
And we're walking down the street and they had a Starbucks sign.
So we go in.
We're students.
We go into the place and we walk in and there's a lady in the back.
She goes, welcome to the Starbuck Lounge.
Can I get you a smoothie?
And we're like, where are we?
And they had stolen or borrowed a Starbucks sign to just put it up in front of their business out front.
So people are venturing in, and it's not even a Starbuck.
They had smoothie.
Anyway, so Yardboy's there.
And then, so they, Yardboy goes, oh, I don't have them.
Pop has them, right?
So we got Sherlock.
And Sherlock started to kind of like, I want to say exasperate or something at this point.
He started to, he was having a breathing issue, you know?
And Sherlock, I don't even know why they call him Sherlock.
I mean, this dude couldn't have found, this dude couldn't have found his breath if it wasn't built into his damn lung system.
You know, he couldn't have found his damn, this dude couldn't have found his blood if it wasn't built into his veins.
So anyway, Sherlock and Yardboy, they say Pop got some.
So now we look down the street the way we had just come.
It's been about four minutes now.
And there is a man, Pop, I guess, apparently Pop, walking down towards them.
And there's tons of people walking.
It's outdoors.
And some people are coming up and saying, hey, man, can I get a photo?
Or saying, hey, you know, I love your podcast, stuff like that.
And it's real nice.
It's just, it's a lot going on.
Because I'm starting to wonder, like, is things legitimate here with Yardboy and Sherlock?
Which I think is a very normal question for any natural man to ask themselves at a certain point.
I've just spent $250 here.
Are things okay with Yardboy and Sherlock?
So at this point, you see the people coming and I said, where is he?
I mean, we're waiting another two minutes.
He said, he right there, man.
He right there.
We doing business, man.
We doing business.
And I'm trying to be supportive, you know.
And then finally, I start to see the guy.
There is one guy.
He's wearing parkas, blue kind of parka plastic for raining.
It's not raining.
He's on two of those, and he has on everybody else is walking at a considerable speed.
This guy, Pop, sorry, is walking at the speed of hope.
He's walking at the speed of rumor.
Like there's no, like, oh, and here's the worst part.
He had, have you seen those air cast people have, like a air cast on their leg?
It has like a little hole by the knee, like a, look like a little birdhouse door on it.
He has one of those on each leg.
It should say on the box when you get a air cast soft cast for one leg, it should say, hey, you can't wear one of these on your other leg at the same time.
But it doesn't say that.
So here he comes, dude.
This little freaking teapot, you know, I'm a little teapop, sort of and style.
This guy.
And my dad hates me.
At this point, I can feel her texting whoever the last guy she went out with.
Probably asking this man to come pick her up.
Anyway, so Pop finally gets there.
He don't have the tickets, he said.
He don't know what happened.
It's a cellular tower issue, bro.
Okay, look.
When this dude says it's a cellular tower issue, I, because I'm, now it's, it's been 11 minutes.
We don't have tickets.
It's a, you know, the college basketball is a short game.
A short game.
There's two 20-minute halves.
So I can feel the halves going down.
And I just said, look, just give me my money back.
And they said, well, look, come inside with us.
We'll walk you in.
We try to do that for five more minutes.
It's a nightmare.
They're on the phone.
And every time I say, look, man, this is just, you know, I just, we're done.
The guy's like, it's a sell.
Sherlock said, it's a cellular tower issue, man.
Like, I don't give a shit what it is.
If I sell you something, but I don't have something, then that's on you, big dog.
Anyway, I don't know why I told you that story, but yeah, it was not a good date.
It was just bad.
It was just, it was too much.
It was stressful.
That's why you got to get the tickets before.
You got to plan ahead and you got to get the tickets before.
So that's kind of where I'm at.
Oh, here was the worst part.
When Pop finally got up there, him, or each time we met with somebody, when Yardboy and Sherlock, they did a handshake, it was like a 40 second handshake, dude.
It was like a hand, like they were in the Super Bowl, like they were wide receivers on the Pittsburgh Steelers.
And they wasn't doing shit.
Pop had two, I think he dislocated his entire lower body.
Bro, you could see when the wind would blow a little.
It almost cost him his life every time.
Birds were landing on him.
He had hay coming out of his shirt sleeves, you know.
They had drawn freckles on his cheeks.
Anyway, Jesus Christ.
And I was so, By the end of it all, I was so furious.
It was like an hour, total nightmare.
So, anyway, get the tickets before you go, man.
That's what I'm trying to tell you today.
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And we got some nice, we got some exciting things, I think, in this episode.
Pretty excited about that.
The new Be Good to Yourself hoodies are out, some unique color pairings.
And they're almost sold out, but they'll be back in stock soon.
We have the original Be Good to Yourself hoodie back in stock this week.
We also have the new Get That Hitter merch, so check that out as well.
And what else do we have?
What else can I tell you about?
What else is going on?
Well, being in a new home, it's just, I don't know.
I'm not even in there yet.
And I'm not even in there yet.
So we'll see.
We'll see what it's like.
It feels like, I guess it feels kind of scary.
I've never, I've always been a bit more ability to ramble and be that dusk in the wind.
And a dusk in the wind, man, you got to know, you know, you really just hook your coat onto the breeze.
So I think there's probably some nerves when it comes into having like some a little bit more establishment.
But it'll be fun.
You know, I think there'll be some other stuff will be nice, getting groceries.
You know, putting waters like in a cupboard where you're going to always have waters.
What else?
Have a drawer where you keep this.
You keep that.
You know, you need tape.
You need electrical tape.
You know, you want to keep a paint set.
You want to keep a friend.
Have an extra bedroom.
Keep them.
You know, just having that ability to do different stuff and have a little bit of space and that sort of thing.
So what else do we have, man?
You know, let's get into a little bit of news right here.
Bill Burr upset people at the Grammys, they said.
And I saw what he said, and he didn't.
He didn't really upset anyone.
He didn't really even say much, really.
And you know what, I started to realize what's going on a lot in the news these days is a reverse psychology, basically.
You know, Bill Burr didn't really say anything.
But suddenly there's an uproar and then it becomes a thing.
But the uproar is just created because that way people go see the clip, right?
We know that kind of stuff.
People go see the clip, whether it happened or not.
But then I started to think like at some bigger stuff, you know, I started to think about the Dr. Seuss thing.
And here's my theory on Dr. Seuss.
For one, I started to think that I bet someone had a lot of Dr. Seuss books that the sales on them had probably slowed down.
Because I don't know if people are buying as Dr. Seuss as much.
You ask kid these days who Dr. Seuss is, they think it's an actual doctor.
They think it's an Indian guy.
Let's be honest.
So I think the big deal is somebody, I bet, probably had too many Dr. Seuss books.
They couldn't sell them, company, whatever.
So they said, well, let's create this blurb.
Let's create this hubbub.
Let's make it so that, oh, these books are going to get discontinued.
Let's influence whoever we can to get these books discontinued or banned or whatever.
So then suddenly, everyone goes and buys the Dr. Seuss books.
Now everybody's catting the headed up.
Everybody's hammed and greened, you know, and everybody's fucking hearing Hortons in the distance.
You know, it is what it is.
But now they've sold more books than ever.
Just because so people can be like, wow, you know.
So the whole thing is just a trick, really.
Whoever has discontinued the books, they don't really care.
In the end, they're just trying to sell some books.
I think the same thing was true with the Mr. Potato Head.
They said, oh, Mr. Potato, they're just trying to sell fucking plastic vegetables, bro.
That's it.
No one really, it's all a trick.
Once they have us clicking on whatever, boom.
Then we've already, then our time, our attention, you know, once you give your attention to something, that's it.
Because that's your value, is your attention.
So anyway, yeah, Bill Burr didn't say anything.
And if you looked at the clip, he didn't say anything.
Oh, some cis white male.
It seemed ridiculous, the category they haven't given him, but it just, whatever.
You know, I like it.
He went out.
He was just kind of him in the brief moment he could be.
There wasn't a ton of opportunity for him to really emphasize his personality.
But, you know.
But yeah, it's all a trick, man.
Then now you got the book and now you're standing your ground.
But it's just getting weirder.
You know, you tear down the statue, just trying to get rid of history.
I just don't understand why you just don't leave history where it is.
It's already gone.
But what else, man?
Oh, I saw this article.
Tennessee man leaves $5 million to dog in his will.
She's a good girl.
That's what he said.
I'll tell you more about it in just a second.
I want you to know that Grubhub is where it's at.
You've been alive for a certain amount of years and you've been eating.
And you know you've been eating, man.
I've seen you.
I saw Big Sherlock and he had them little French crisps out there around his mouth hole.
Around that big heady, heady pie hole, bro.
He could have had a dang bird living up in his face.
He was tall, you know, and a bird, I could easily see had tan skin, that bird land in him and do an egg or something in his ear.
But what I'm telling you about is Grubhub perks.
Get deals on the food you love.
If you already use food apps a lot, then use the one that's going to give you dang resilience and rewards.
Grubhub perks.
Grubhub has all the food you love from your favorite local restaurants, man.
Get it what you want, man.
Get you an Olive Garden, baby.
Get you a Jerry's little ice cream.
Get you a freaking Reginald's taco, bruh.
You know what I'm saying?
Get what you want.
You know, Big Sal's hot pocket.
Get what you want.
Some places offer special things.
You want to eat baked beans out of a flesh light?
Maybe there's a place that can do it.
Well, Grub Hub will help you.
You want to eat a hot custard out of a newborn baby's ball cap?
There might be a place that could help you make that happen.
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With Grubhub, all the local restaurants in your area, they're on there.
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Order ahead and pick up your favorite food from your favorite restaurants on Grubhub.
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Grub what you love.
Take a break from cooking.
Grubhub a little, huh?
Grubhub a little.
All right, some more in the news.
A Tennessee man named Bill Doris leave $5 million to his dog.
He said, she's a good girl.
Man.
Man.
That's hard to stomach, man.
Hell, that's hard to cow stomach, and they got eight stomachs.
Just the fact that that's what we get.
That's what we get, humans.
The way we want to treat each other.
Then now the money go to the animal.
You want to light your grandmother's little cat's tail on fire?
We're going to see who gets the last laugh now, aren't we?
When Biscuit gets that inheritance and suddenly, you know, you working for a Dalmatian somewhere.
Times have changed, man.
I'm telling you.
You got to start treating your grandparents well.
You don't want to eat Nana's banana bread?
Well, guess who is eating it?
Lil Petey.
It's going to be wild when you living in a birdcage for the rest of your life.
And Petey's out there on his computer all day on his Ameritrade account.
It's just where we're at.
It's where we're at as people, man.
One more news beat here.
Scientists, if you believe in them, want to send 335 million seed, sperm, and egg samples to the moon to create a lunar Noah's Ark.
That's what it's come down to, folks.
We're basically jerking off into space, spraying out, busting heavy out into the atmosphere.
What's going on?
Just be honest, we're trying to get rid of ginger seed.
It's been highly reported that for decades, nobody's been buying that ginger bust over there at the sperm account.
And so times have changed, man.
Times have changed.
And now they got to send it out into space.
Hopefully it knocks up an alien.
That's crazy, man.
Some cyborg rolls up.
Looking like Banta.
Remember Banta from Superheroes or whatever?
What is that thing called?
Banta from...
Street Fighter.
Yep, gonna be a bunch of Blancas out there, boy.
Gonna be a bunch of Blancas out there.
But that's how desperate we are.
You know, nobody wants that ginger bust.
I mean, probably the last two gangs I know are even this fella, Andrew Santino, a young comedian, and Andy Dalton, who's playing for Chicago Bears now.
So it's a wild world, man.
But yeah, we jerking out into space now, hoping to knock up a damn moon or something.
It's going to be funny.
Nine months from now, you're going to see a leg pop out of the moon.
A little weener, a little ivory.
Hmm.
Different times, different times.
I'm going to tell you right now, if you aren't taking care of your body or your penis, you can.
You can.
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When I was young, if you wanted to get erect, you had to go, you know, you had to run outside, put your dick in the sun.
You had to do different things with your wiener, your pennis, bruh.
You know, you had to do, you had to just be wild, man.
Hang your pennis out the window while y'all was driving.
Let that wind hit it.
Get that wind rod, huh?
Pop heavy off that breeze, daddy.
But times have changed, man, and now there are services like Blue Chew.
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I knew a fellow man in our neighborhood.
Apparently, he rolled over in bed once and his penis fell off the bed, his erection, and broke the back of a full-grown cat.
So that's the power of that rod, baby.
Spare the rod, save the child.
You know that.
Don't molest, baby.
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What else, man?
I want to ask you guys, if you guys know about some funny videos or things you want to send in, send them in.
If you want to nominate a single mom for our, you know, to help and, you know, we try to help out and stuff.
If you want to nominate a single mom for that, you can send either of those to tpwproducer at gmail.com or go to theovon.com.
There's a spot to upload, a fan upload link, and you can upload videos there.
A little bit of liquid death on that St. Patty's Day.
Oh, man, I got a new house.
I'm excited.
You know, I think some of it's hit me.
I think there's some fear, but I'm just, you know, it'd be nice, get like a little, get a hamper, you know, get some stuff that you're going to keep.
You know, most of my life, it's just been very transient.
It's hard for me to commit to stuff.
I mean, I'll even go do a yoga session or something at a gym, and they offer you that 10-pack, and it's $60 cheaper or something.
And I won't do it.
I can't commit to 10 sessions, man, even if it's over the course of a year.
I like to get that one session.
It's manageable, you know.
So I'm curious to see kind of, you know, some of what will come from having that homestead experience.
One more news.
Panda Express employee forced to strip during trust building exercise.
Look, lady, you know, it's, I mean, look, when people want that panda, they want it fast.
You feel me?
That's what I'm saying, boo, boo.
We've all been molested, lady.
You know, I want to be there for you, but at this point, everybody's been molested and over-molested, remolested, unmolested.
You know, people have been molested, molested, molested, you know, it's just, it's all, you know, no matter what industry you're in, you're going to get molested.
I hate to say that, but if you're at the movie industry, you know, Harvey Webstein is molesting people.
Larry Johnson, Bill Clinton, you know, you know, Joseph Biden smelling children.
Somebody's got to get, apparently, apparently, look at Game of Thrones, half the show people's getting molested.
So apparently, you know, whether you in sports or whatever, and I'm not saying justifying it, I'm just saying, lady, that it, you know, I'm sorry, you know, but we've all got to, I mean, I got a close family member, you know, that suffers from addiction to drugs and alcohol because they used to have to go horseback riding with a fella, you know, and we was just trying to make pizzas over there.
So everybody's got to, you know, everybody's getting molested, really, somehow.
I got a, I know a friend who was a straight man.
You know, he was straight at the time and he might still be straight.
So that's up to him and God.
But it's he was trying to get a job at a hair salon.
He wanted to be the last straight hair man.
And he was, they had two men that made him do cocaine with glitter in it.
You know, outside of an O-Town concert up there near Liberty, out there near Liberty, New York, outside of Rochester.
And they tried to touch his ass and everything in his booty hole, booty pipe.
So it's all, you know, that's work.
If you want to work, you know, I hate to say it, but anywhere you look, people are getting touched or touched out.
So that's, that's, unfortunately, that's big business.
You know, it's very sad.
It's very sad, but I mean, hell, half my friends have been busted for, you know, or accused of sexual.
It's just everybody, so I'm not shocked if you work at a Panda Express.
If somebody's serving a little, you know, they got you over there on that steamed rice.
They trying to serve that freaking, you know, they trying to walk you up with that egg roll.
You feel me?
Boo-boo.
I'm just saying.
I'm just saying I'm not shocked if you over there slanging that orange chicken that every now and then people want a little, they want to huff on that freaking on that little booty monkey.
You feel me?
On that dirty monkey.
So that's all.
I'm just saying I'm not shocked.
All right.
Let's get into some calls, man.
We had some great calls that came in here on the hotline.
Let's get into it right now.
This is Zatchery.
What's up?
This is Zachary from Illinois.
What's up, Zatchery?
And look, Illinois, man, is Illinois is a good place to get diabetes, man, while you work hard.
Some places it's diabetes only, but you guys will stay busy and get the disease.
And so that's pretty, you know, hats off to you.
I don't have a hat.
I'm a senior in high school this year, and I'm in desperate need of a senior quote.
And I thought I'd do better to give me a senior quote than the Theo Vaughn.
So if you give me a funny one-liner or some words of wisdom for my senior quote, that'd be great.
Thanks.
Take care.
Bye.
Well, I could tell you straight up that the road to the strap goes through the rat.
You know that right there, baby boy.
I think another good senior quote might be knock, knock, who's there?
And that's it.
And a lot of people are going to be like, damn, this guy, something's wrong with this guy.
That's fine.
That's fine, man, because it's just that vague, you know, it's that dirty oyster, bro.
It's that Easter oyster.
Sometimes you open up an oyster around Easter and it gots a little chocolate in it.
You say, damn, how'd this little shellfish get this sweet goodie?
But that's God.
That's that Easter oyster, baby.
So that's what I would go with.
What do you guys think?
That's a good question to put out to the universe.
And don't read any off of the internet and come at me with those.
Because I thought about doing that already.
But I thought I got to think something up.
So I thought knock knock who's there.
I thought.
What else would be good?
I never got to smoke crack.
And that's a true statement for me, but it's something I've thought might be nice to have in a yearbook just to kind of document where you are in your life.
Um...
Um...
Amen.
You could also just admit something that happened.
You know?
You know, just tell the truth about something.
I hit a hot girl with my car when I was in high school.
And sometimes I don't really admit it.
You know, she was walking.
It was, you know, and I feel bad, but it's like we don't know what God has in store for us.
So you have to think about it like that, man.
But good luck, Zatri.
And if you guys have a recommendation for him, 985-664-9503.
This TikTok came in of a grandmother.
Let's see what she had to say.
Buddy, get something here to eat.
I won't.
What's wrong with you?
You done pissed me off taping me, motherfucker.
Don't be talking ugly.
You ought to not be telling people my damn business.
If I want to talk, I can talk.
It ain't nobody's business but mine.
Amen to that.
Amen.
That's five years ago.
When?
Five years ago.
You're not supposed to be doing that.
Why?
I'm too old?
No?
So look right there.
You see what's happening here, really, and this is unfortunate that this kind of happens, a lot of older senior citizens are being used for TikTok clout.
And you see that a lot, man.
And right here, grandma got birded down about 10 years ago or something, five years ago.
She was working at a Panda Express, obviously.
I want to talk, I can talk.
It ain't nobody's business but mine.
Somebody wanted to freaking warm up that pink monkey, you feel me?
And that's what happened.
And I hate to say that.
It's pretty, you know, I feel pretty dirty saying it.
But, you know, we all know what sex is and how it happens.
And that's insertion.
So.
But, yeah, people blasting out their grandparents so they could get that clout, that TikTok fame.
They're doing the same thing with mentals on there.
You know, you'll scroll through a TikTok, and next thing you know, you logged on to a couple mentals, and it's some guy over there eating out of a dog bowl or something.
Or they putting, you know, they beating them with pillows, you know, they'll get two mentals out there and have them pillow fight each other, you know, before they get on a little bus or whatever.
And it's just, that's what people are getting off on, I guess, and building their clout with.
And some of this, who knows how it can go, how it could end, you know, that's what I wonder.
How does it, what's the long term?
You know, when I was young, they had a group that would come to our town.
It was called Fag Fist Fights.
And it was, this was a group that came through Louisiana.
It was gay men would fist fight each other.
I want to fuck, I can fuck.
It ain't nobody's business but mine.
And this isn't my term for it.
This is what they called it.
This was a different time where people were, you know, it wasn't about the wording.
It was about who people are and what's happening.
And there was a lot of love and support in the air.
And we'd go out and pay $5 to go over there to the bar and watch these fellas arm down, baby.
I mean, watch these boys just knuckle out.
And, you know, obviously one of my best friends was one of the strongest gay fighters in America ever named Billy Conforto.
And he passed away, man.
And I got to reach out to Chucky over there, and we got to get a bench for him over there in Slot L, and we'll see what we can do.
So I'm going to do that this week.
Yeah, so anyway, that's what's going on.
Grandma's pissed, man, because she's trying to get that wean, that late wean.
And you start to wonder as you get older, what's the last hurrah?
When are you going to get that last butt, that last bust, you know, that last suckle?
When do you think it's too old?
When do you think you'll shut it down, that sex?
And you can hit the hotline for that as well.
985-664-9503.
When you're going to shut down that sex, that booty magic?
You know, when you're going to stop doing that dirty David Copperfield, you know, put out.
You know, I'm pulling that rabbit out of your cooch.
Gang, baby.
Damn.
You know what?
We got a really nice single mom submission that came in right here.
You know, we are, you know, always trying to do what we can to help out the ladies that helped us out, you know, for those of you that were raised by single moms.
I want to thank my friend Brittany, too, mailed this shirt in to me.
And so let's see.
Let's see what we got here that came in.
Here's one.
What's up, Theo?
My name is Dalton.
I'm from Ventura, California.
I'm a huge fan of yours.
Big Dalton.
What's up, Big Dalton?
And Dalton is a name you might see like Dalton.
You might see somebody say, hey, Dalton.
Hey, Dalton.
And that's you.
Let's hear it, baby.
I especially love the thing that you do for single moms.
My sister, Alex, is 31 years old.
She has a beautiful four-year-old daughter named Cameron.
And she's also a labor and delivery nurse.
In June, she also found out that she had stage four breast cancer.
She's gone through 16 rounds of chemo, as well as just got her surgery done over at UCLA recently.
She's starting radiation in April.
And I know a shout out from you would mean the world to her.
So I hope you guys have a good day.
I appreciate you, Theo.
I appreciate you, Nick, as well, man.
Love you guys.
Gang, brother.
Thank you, man.
That's nice.
I see you there with your BJ with your Bajin Jiu-Jitsu shirts on.
And that's sweet that you care about your sister so much, man.
You know.
You know, it's amazing the magic that can be kind of sewn between family.
You know, and I'm feeling a little bit emotional at this moment, but, you know, there's just something special about when we care about each other.
You know, and I just noticed it there.
You call, you know, sorry, one more time.
Let me get this.
What's up, Theo?
My name is Dalton.
I'm from Ventura, California.
And that's Big Dalton right there.
Yeah, there's just something special, Dalton, about when we care, when we just are honest about how we feel.
You know, you call, you just honest.
You say, hey, man, this is who I am.
This is who I care about.
And this is what's been going on with her.
And suddenly we can all feel that.
You know, there's just a real power and vulnerability right there, man.
Let's call Alex up, man.
I'm sure if she's a nurse, too, she probably is busy.
Labor and delivery.
Damn.
Hope I don't have any, boy.
You feel me, son?
Here we go.
Hello?
*Bell rings*
Oh, beautiful picture, the two of them.
Beep.
Beep.
Phone ringing.
Hello.
Hey, is Alex in there?
Yes, this is her.
Hey, Alex.
My name's Theo.
I am a friend of Dalton's, your brother.
He just wanted me to give you a call.
I just work on a podcast, and we do like a thing where people nominate like people that they know that are single moms that we kind of reach out to.
Theo Von.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, Theo Von.
Yeah, that creeps.
All right.
Hey, how are you today?
I'm doing good.
How are you?
Oh, I'm doing pretty good.
Yeah, Dalton, he just loves you.
He said you work at the labor and delivery place.
At that place, yeah.
Babies dropping out like flies.
That's crazy.
And what's going on with them?
Are they looking healthy, you think, overall?
Or give me really the lowdown?
Well, right now they're having so I've been out of work for since July now.
Oh, wow.
On a medical leave, but from what I hear of all my friends at work, it's like all those quarantine babies are just booming and it's insane.
Really?
Yeah.
So people just locked up?
Everyone's locked up.
And yeah, what are you going to do?
And I guess they get picky.
Oh, I guess, man.
That sounds fun.
It also sounds miserable, though.
I feel like, I don't know if you want to knock something up that you still have to live with for a long time.
That seems like the scary part to me.
Well, what I was asking them, I'm like, how many young kids do you have to get first?
You had all the schools closed down and parents are showing them a little work and all that.
I think we're going to see a little spike in teen pregnancy going on around.
Oh, you think we're going to see a spike in teen pregnancy?
I do.
Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
Right?
If mom and dad are at work.
Oh, yeah, that's true, I guess.
Oh, yeah.
If they're going to work now, suddenly, oh, yeah, the teens have been raring again.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, that was the most fun, dude.
I mean, not trying to be pregnant, but just like when you were a teen, that was like fun trying to sneak around and be naughty.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
A lot of my friends at work are basically just like, it's insane here.
So stay out as long as you can.
Avoid it.
Yeah, well, he just, he sent this video, and it was really sweet.
And he just, you know, said just nice things about you.
He just, you know, obviously really loves you.
And so, yeah, we just wanted to do something nice.
We just wanted to send a thousand bucks so you and the kiddo could go do something fun sometime since, especially since you're out of work, it'd be nice.
You could just go do maybe like, I don't know, what's open over there by you guys?
Things are starting to reopen.
I've been kind of waiting for Disneyland or something like that to open so I can take, she's never gone there, so maybe that's insane.
Maybe we should do that then when they open.
Yeah, that sounds perfect, actually.
That'd be great.
Do you guys live in, you guys live in California?
Yeah, I'm in Ventura, a little north from L.A. Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's nice over there.
It's pretty nice.
Yeah.
Nice little beach spot.
Kind of gets away from the LA hustle and bustle.
Groovy.
And he said that you've been in radiation or something?
What's going on with it?
So I, in July last summer, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.
So I went through, I had to have a surgery.
It was stage four already, so there was a little spot on my liver that they took out.
And then I went through six months of chemo.
And then I just two weeks ago had surgery, doing a double mastectomy with having lymph nodes taken out.
And then in a couple weeks, I will start radiation.
And then I just found out that some of the cancer had another type of cancer within it.
There was HER2 positive cells that they didn't know about.
So now I'll start a year of immunotherapy and all that good stuff.
And then, yeah, it's been quite a year.
It sounds like it.
What do you think caused it?
Do you know?
Do you think like it could have anything like kind of rung a bell, you think, when you think back on it?
I mean, I don't know.
Like, I don't have any, there's no family history.
I was 30 when I found it.
I have, I mean, maybe lifestyle, you know, I don't know.
Oh, yeah.
Trust me, I know.
If that's the case, dude, I got it right here.
Lifestyle choices, I can see it.
I could see it.
So, yeah.
Well, it must have been a hell of a lifestyle.
You got that much of it in your system, that's for sure.
Last night, I'm like, how fucking early does it show up in me if I'm 30 and it's stage four?
Like, God, what did I do?
It's that bad.
Oh, man.
Well, dang, that's so crazy.
Well, I hope you feel better.
Whenever I get up there to Oxnard, it's close to you guys, right?
Oh, yeah, right next to us.
Oh, sweet.
When I come up there, maybe later this year, you guys will have to come out to a show sometime.
I would freaking love that.
We actually saw you a couple summers ago.
We went down to where we were at a comedy store.
Yeah, we were at the comedy store.
Saw you there.
It was awesome.
I'm a huge fan.
Oh, that's sweet of you.
Yeah.
Oh, that's awesome.
Yeah, thanks.
No, that'd be awesome.
Well, look, thank Dalton whenever you talk to him, and we'll thank him too.
And yeah, we just want to send just a little gift.
You guys can go do something fun, especially when Disneyland opens up.
That would be probably pretty sweet.
So that's amazing.
Well, I just thought it was so nice of him.
He just left such a nice message.
It's just nice when people just kind of share how they feel about other people, you know?
It's like...
We all need to hear it.
Yeah, I'm going to have to make him let me listen to it.
Well, look, if you've done some other things in your life, you could definitely listen to this podcast.
That's for sure.
Okay.
I can listen to it.
I do.
You'll be fine.
You'll be fine.
Well, take care.
And thanks for making me laugh.
You're welcome.
You are very welcome.
All right.
Give Dalton a hug for us.
You bet, Alex.
Y'all have a good one.
I will.
You too.
Bye, Pi.
Bye-bye.
Damn, did I say bye-bye at the end?
Oh, Jesus Christ, man.
What are you doing, dude?
What are you freaking doing, man?
Bye-bye.
Just say bye, yeah.
Hey, thank you.
Anything like that, man.
Oh, that sounds perfect.
Yep, definitely.
We'll chat soon.
Any of those are good options.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Oh, man.
Man, she sounds so sweet, huh?
Isn't it wild, man?
It's so wild how life picks and chooses and how the world picks and chooses certain things, you know.
And who has to battle something and who doesn't.
And how we feel about it.
I could have talked to two people.
I could have talked to 2,000 people today that are doing great, that are just moving into a new house or doing, you know, or just got a B on their paper or a B minus even or C plus or anything.
and they wouldn't have been stoked, you know.
And here you got Alex and she's feeling stoked, man.
It's just a reminder, it's just that equalizer, you know, it makes me wonder what life is, what it all, what it, you know, what it is, what are we doing out here?
Because the biggest moments really I find, I find, you know, I get a lot of joy when I do things like a roller coaster or if you touch a little titty for the first time, that early titty.
But outside of that, man, actually riding in the back of a truck is fun sometimes when you're young, feeling that wind on you and just feeling like anything's possible.
You know, going skydiving is fun, feels good.
You know, even busting down a little gram every now and then if you had to when you was, you know, a child or something, doing, you know, getting a buzz or doing a cigarette.
But as I get older, really the thing that makes me feel a little good is just that one moment of spark.
Or just that thing when people are just being honest, saying, hey, you know, I'm just a human living thing.
And this is who I'm proud of.
This is how I'm feeling.
This is what's going on.
You know, I want to take one moment out of my lifetime to throw a little bit of homage to my sister who's had a tough go and just let her know how much I love her.
You know, or just let her know that I think about her when she's not around.
Let her know that she means something to me.
Let her know that she means something to me.
You know, we have a, you know, especially I know people in the staff that have struggled and people, I think we all just have a human desire.
We want to know that we're being thought of.
Or we want to know that people care when we're not around.
You know, we talked about it on here before.
You know, I think we all do.
So just a nice display of that.
Nice to see that, man.
That's where I find God right there, man.
That's really where I find God.
Oh.
You know what?
How am I going to top that?
How am I going to top that?
I don't think.
I think we're okay.
We'll be good for another week.
If you got some exciting TikToks or things you think we should discuss, we want to try and get a little more visual on the program.
We want to thank Dalton for his submission for his sister.
I want to thank Zachary from Illinois looking for the senior quote.
We got some other calls that came in and we'll get to them next week.
And we just want to wish you well, Alex.
We want to just let you know you got just hundreds of thousands of new people that are just cheering for you and thinking of you.
And yeah, that'll be fun when I come up there.
I'm looking to start a new tour actually towards the end of the year.
So we'll get into some of that later.
You know, a lot of neat things.
I got to go get them groceries, man.
And see what it feels like to be in a dang new place.
It sounds scary, huh?
And it's also hard to remember where the light switches are, that kind of stuff.
Just a lot of acclamation.
But thank you, Dalton, for the nomination.
Yeah, we want to just send you a nice gift, Alex.
And I hope you go have fun when the world opens up for you and your little girl, man.
And I just, you know, I remember when my sister had her first baby and, you know, that little girl's 12 now, I think.
And, man, she just still means the world to me.
And the bond that that creates between siblings when one of them have a child is just real special.
And just glad to be reminded of that today, of what that connection piece is.
Praise God, baby PTL.
Praise the Lord.
All right, let's go out.
Just how I get that feeling.
Sometimes you got to get it, man.
One person I know that always helps me get there.
Larry Fleet, where I find God.
*music*
happy st patty's man Sitting on the monster.
Come on, Larry.
Paid my tab and put me in a cab.
You didn't have to.
You could see I was hurting.
I wish I got his name.
Cause I didn't feel we're saving.
But he's saving just the same.
said i was sherlock and yard boy and pop Thank you, Nick and Sean, for making this episode.
I could hear my old man say, son, just be still.
Amen.
She can't find peace like this in a bottle or pill.
Come on.
Come on, Larry.
From a bar stool to that even room Sunday morning in a church pew in a deer stand on a hay seat and then I stayed back to Nashville.
A Chevrolet with the windows down, me and him just riding around sometimes.
Whether I'm looking for him or not.
That's where I find God.
That's where I find God.
Sometimes late at night, I'll lie there and listen to the sound of her heartbeating.
That song crickets are singing.
I don't know what they're saying.
But it sounds like a hymn to me.
Come on.
No, I ain't too good at praying.
But thanks for everything.
Let's go, Larry Bear.
Come on, Larry.
Come on.
From our school to the living room.
Sunday morning in a church pew.
And a beer standing on a hay tree.
And then a stay back to Nashville.
Chevrolet with the windows down.
Me and him just riding around sometimes.
Whether I'm looking for him or not, that's where I find God.
From the barstool to the demon room, some lame morning in the church do.
With a dairy stand or a hay chief.
And in the state back to Nashville.
Chevrolet with the windows down.
Me and him just riding around talking.
Well, I do that a lot.
Well, I do that a lot.
That's where I find God.
That's that hitter, baby.
Man, that really is that hitter right there.
Thank you, Nick and Sean, and Colin, producers and associate producers.
