Andrew Santino 2 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #248
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That's sad that a root vegetable collapsed your whole society.
Yeah.
And do they have sweet potatoes too or just regular potatoes?
Ain't nothing sweet up there.
Oh man, bro.
Bro, you gotta fucking sugar up your taunts, bro.
I can't even.
I can't imagine running on just potatoes.
Shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my stories.
Shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my stories.
But a World War II house came with a bag of gunpowder and chitlins, a bag of chitlins, crackling.
Do you think Andrew Santino here today, thanks for coming in, man.
Thank you, brother.
I'm so happy to be here.
I was bragging before we started.
This is incredible, man.
No one has anything this cool on the wall of all the podcast studios.
This was such a smart idea.
Was this your idea?
Thanks.
This was Papio Toon.
I'm not sure.
I think we just discussed it, Nick.
What do we?
We discussed it and decided this was it.
I reluctantly have to give some props to Gianni.
I think it might have been.
Let's not give him any fucking.
I don't want to give Gianni props.
Gianni the twink, man.
He's a sweet boy, man.
He got all his meals for free in New York when we went out to eat.
Really?
Yeah, he was just so cute.
He walked in and he winked at the host, and she goes, meals on us.
He said he can make his butt smile like the crack of it.
He can.
He showed me.
Well, when he turns sideways, he hoists his shoulders up, and you can kind of see the top of his crack just lean up just a little bit.
Yeah.
He's a talented dude.
I got to tell you.
A really cute, talented dude.
It's too bad about what happened.
I know.
It is what it is.
Look, we don't, you know, his perversions are his perversions, man.
He really needs to get some help, though.
I'm just being honest.
It's just one of those things where I feel like a guy like that, he was going to get caught at some point for doing what he was doing.
Yeah.
And it's downhill.
And the crazy part in this business, when it's downhill, brother, it is straight down.
It's straight down.
It's directly straight down.
I mean, we can ask, we know a lot of people that have already plummeted that far.
You know, Bert's not putting his shirt off anymore.
He's keeping his shirt on.
Well, they had charge.
Some lady filed a charge against him.
She did?
Yeah.
What was it?
You know what that was?
Just like an indecency or something?
Complete indecency.
Too much indecency.
Dude, I remember when I was young, the first fellow I even ever masturbated to was a buddy who had big tits like that.
You?
How big were they?
This boy, I don't want to say his name, man, because he's a nice boy.
Oh, he's still alive?
Yeah.
He's still alive as far as I know.
And I'll just, yeah.
What was your first crush?
Do you vividly remember your first crush?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, who was it?
This girl, Chrissy Hunt, man.
The name is so hot.
And she had one of her tooth, she was kind of chipped off a little bit, like she had that Lloyd Christmas in the front, you know?
Yeah.
Oh, man.
That made her more exotic somehow.
Oh.
Chrissy Hunt.
And I remember she had good posture.
That's what I loved, bro.
I'm like, damn, who was that straight-up bitch over there?
She was just posture.
Yeah.
Just so damn vertical, dude.
I just felt like she.
She stood.
She stood for something.
She stood for something.
That's what I felt like.
Yeah, for life.
She just had confidence in her bones, you know?
I said that to Steve.
I was talking to someone on the way here.
I was saying, I saw Attel was in New York when I was in New York, and he's got all these bags.
He was hunched over.
I was like, all my comedic heroes have scoliosis.
Like, all of them are like, like, they're all like, like, kind of like tiny and bent over.
And I don't know what that is.
It could be the stress, the burden.
Yeah, the burden of being so hilarious, being so smart and funny like Attel is.
Probably the stress.
Attel kind of shies away from people sometimes, too.
He doesn't like to kind of be seen.
I feel like it makes him nervous.
Right.
Well, he's, yeah.
I mean, I think it's also because I think too many people want to come up to him and talk to him.
Yeah.
Because he's so funny and so known.
But I was watching him walk, and I was just like, it looked painful.
It looked like he was kind of like...
I don't think he's like a yoga.
That's not one of his things.
No, no, not anymore.
What's going on, man?
You got the new tour, I know.
I'm doing a new tour in 2020, the Red Rocket tour.
That's awesome, man.
Congrats.
Thank you, dude.
I've never done small theaters.
This is the first time I've ever done small theaters in my life, and I'm nervous.
We talked on the phone a year ago when you started doing, but you were doing bigger theaters than I'm going to do.
I'm doing tiny little theaters, and the nerves are right.
You were righteous about it.
You were like excited, nervous.
I remember we talked on the phone.
I was on the 405.
I remember coming from the airport.
And you were like, I'm excited, but I'm nervous.
But it's dope.
I'm so happy, but the pressure is different.
It's different than a club.
I don't know why, but it is.
Yeah, I guess.
The scale, the growth, you know?
Yeah, the scale, the energy, the excitement.
For me, a lot of it was just like how does the words work in the room?
What does the audio sound like?
I started worrying about everything.
Whereas clubs, I had just gotten used to it.
I knew kind of how it went.
I knew if it sounded strange, how to adjust it.
But in these different venues where they're all kind of different, it was, yeah, that can be a little confusing.
Well, here's why, because they don't do comedy shows all the time, right?
A comedy club only does comedy shows.
Yeah.
It's an on and off switch.
But with these venues, some of these that I'm doing, they're rock clubs.
Rock clubs, yeah.
Cirque de Soleil or something.
An officer.
Yeah.
They do Disney on Ice?
Do they do Disney on Ice?
Really?
Dude, I remember I went to Disney on Ice, boy.
I've never been.
We were fired up when we were kids, man.
We went.
I remember some guy was smoking a joint at it.
At Disney on Ice?
Well, really?
Yeah, because mostly it was kids there.
And I just remember looking at this guy being like, dang, dude.
Yeah, but that's, but, you know, he's got to get his.
I mean, you can't hate on that guy.
Uh-uh.
Medication.
Yeah, well, at the time, people, it's funny that at the time, nobody saw it as medication.
At the time, it used to be just getting high, and now it's considered medication.
Isn't that kind of fascinating?
Yeah.
Well, it's only because people have come around to the idea that it's not as bad as people want it to be.
Do you think we'll go even higher with drugs?
Do you think we're going to get to like a level?
Like somewhere they just legalized some cocaine, I believe.
Yeah.
Dominican Republic.
Was that it?
The DR?
The DR. They got cocaine legal.
And they also have frog licking is legal now, too, in certain countries.
You can lick psychedelic frogs.
I think there's a roof for sure.
I think there's a roof.
What, at Denver just legalized mushrooms?
Oh, they did?
Colorado?
That's right.
For a while now, I'll notice.
You find anything?
I'm not seeing anything on the screen.
Mexican court says cocaine use is legal for two people.
Mexico City.
Wow, they're having a lot.
I mean, with all this.
What was the case?
Yeah, what happened?
Why did they, they needed it.
Two people should be allowed to use it legally, it says.
The ruling means the unnamed pair can use but not sell, according to Mexico United Against Crime.
Huh.
They need that energy to get back and forth and back and forth over that border, you know?
Yeah.
It's like playing Ted.
It's like Red Rover.
It's a brown rover down there.
I said on Chris DeStefano's podcast with Giannis Papas, I said, they were joking about building the wall.
And I said, the wall is cruel.
Like it's a cruel thing.
But I think it'd be funny if it was a maze.
Yeah.
Like if they had to like really, you know what I mean?
If it was an obstacle course?
Yeah, yeah.
Like if it was American Ninja Warrior down there, I'd be so down for that.
Well, dude, and then the people that would be coming in, you'd be getting some real heroes into a super, a lot of talent.
Oh, yeah.
A ton of talent.
You'd get some like grade A athletes crossing the border.
Well, I think there should be a return system.
That's just what I think.
It's like one enters, one leaves.
It's like, I wish there was a level in America for people that don't want to try and contribute at all to society that we get to, you know.
Oh, that's smart.
Like it's like a battle royale.
You have to prove why you get to stay and someone has to go.
Yes.
That's dope.
That's a great idea.
Or let Vegas bet on people at a certain point at the border to like another point.
Let them bet like just on who is going to get.
Can they make it to the next level?
Yeah.
It's like Mario.
We're setting up Super Mario Brothers and seeing what level they pass.
They have to beat a boss at every point.
And then they get certain, you know, you can get wings.
You know what I mean?
You get a jetpack if you want a jetpack.
You get to jump over people.
Some guy is flying by like, man, I'm lost, man.
And going to level three.
Yeah, I don't know, dude.
I don't know.
I think a lot of times about the border, like the people that live there, what is their life?
Like that's who I really...
What is it like for them?
You know, like it's easy for us to just, you know, for us to say this or that, but it's like, what is it like if you had, like, are people running through people's backyards?
Is it scary?
We used to go down in college.
There's a place called South Padre Island, Texas.
Oh, yeah.
We used to go down there.
You've probably been down.
You've probably done South Texas.
And there's a border town called Damn, Nick.
You probably have to find it.
No, it's called No.
Damn, bro.
South Padre Island, Texas, there's a border town to this big bridge you cross, right?
It's a massive bridge.
Port Isabel?
No, man.
It's a Spanish name.
It's in Mexico.
The border town there.
Isabel, yeah.
But not Spanish.
That's Isabel.
There it is.
Maramoros.
That was it.
Maramoros.
Maramoros.
Right, so we went into Maramoros.
Keep going over to the left.
And this was Maramoros.
There it is.
And this was bad, man.
We got in the bed of a pickup truck, in the bed of an F-150, like a 1990 F-150.
And I'm embarrassed, but I was like in the back and we had all been drinking.
And the truck was bouncing bad.
And I looked where the bed connects to the cab and it was like loose.
Like it was not secure.
You know what I mean?
It was jiggling.
And I looked around.
I'm realizing I'm going over this bridge like 80 miles an hour.
I was like, this is how I die.
This is how it ends.
Dude, do you ever feel like if you died in Mexico, you wake back up in America?
Yeah.
Like you start again, you reanimate.
But where do you come back to?
Where's the city you come back out of?
I think you probably, I'm going probably Columbus or Toledo.
Toledo.
Toledo sounds better.
Toledo or Kansas, somewhere in Kansas.
Oh, that'd be beautiful.
Or just walk straight out of that cornfield over there in Iowa, right?
Dyersville.
Yeah.
Yeah, but you get like a new beginning.
If you could start over, you know?
If you could be you reincarnated, you, same Theo, in another part of the world.
Say you were born in another part of the world, but you're the same cat, where would you be?
I'd go Asia, dude.
So I'd be really shocking to people.
Right.
They'd be like, damn, this Asian dude is different.
He's way different.
Why does he sound like that?
Who's this Chinese guy, man?
You're very unique.
Born and raised in Pyongyang.
And you sound like that.
You know how I look like when I went around Japan?
Oh, wow.
A guy booed me at the train station.
I swear to God.
Well, dude, red-headed people and red-headed, like, type, different type of species and stuff, y'all have had not the best PR.
How did all that start?
Do you think it was Irish and alcohol?
Yeah.
The country, I've said this before, Ireland is a sad, wet island, and it's got a lot of the history is bad, man.
You're talking about like raping and pillaging of these poor people and then...
Well, Vikings came through and raped everybody, really.
Anybody in the north up there, right?
And then on top of it, you have like potatoes.
Potatoes collapse to society?
That's sad that a root vegetable collapsed your whole society.
Yeah.
And do they have sweet potatoes too or just regular potatoes?
Ain't nothing sweet up there.
Oh, man, bro.
Bro, you got to fucking sugar up your tots, bro.
You can't even.
I can't imagine running on just potatoes.
Just regular potatoes.
Imagine they go somewhere finally and they see that somebody else has sweet potatoes.
What have we?
They don't grow up there.
I don't know.
Nothing much grows up there.
But it's just like.
But they're fierce men, though.
Yeah, they're tough.
They're tough people, man.
They're tough as nails.
You can kill them and they won't die.
No.
No, they're half cats.
They call them half cats.
They got 4.5 lives.
It's unbelievable.
I think, but that's how they build anybody tough.
When you come, like, you're from the South where people from your area growing up, you know, they grew up really tough, so they're naturally just tough people.
Yeah, a little edgier.
They just have, certain, I'm not saying everybody, but certain parts of places where you had to just grow up around a little bit more attitude and edge, people tend to be just tougher mentally.
I'm not saying they're all strong people by physical standards, but they all have to have kind of like the way to get through strife easier.
When you face a lot of stuff like that, you just, you see that in tough cities, you know, Baltimore, just like tough people, man.
That's a tough town to live in.
Baltimore is a tough town to live in, dude.
Baltimore's the only show I ever had where they had to stop the show because people were fighting in the audience is Baltimore.
Was that for real?
A comedy factory?
Is that what it was?
Or no, what was that?
I don't remember what that was.
Is that the name of that club?
I can't remember the name of that club.
The Power and Light District.
Somebody got shot while I was in Baltimore in that area the day that I got into Baltimore.
Somebody got shot.
And I remember talking to the manager and being like, man, that's nuts, right?
And he's like, not really.
That's not too uncommon.
He was like, it happens, you know.
I was like, I hope it doesn't happen this weekend.
He's like, no, they got one out of the way.
There'll be extra security all weekend.
Where did I just come back from?
That was a, I was just in Indianapolis is a strange city.
It's a wild, strange city.
Yeah, I could.
I've never been.
I'd never been to Indiana other than crossing the border when we were in high school to buy cigarettes and booze.
Oh, you had to go over there?
Or from Chicago?
Where were you guys?
Go over to buy Notre Dame or something.
Do you guys ever go there?
I went to Notre Dame one time.
But when you cross the border in Indiana, you would get people go for cigarettes and stuff because everything's cheaper.
Everything was cheaper there.
Oh.
It was just way cheaper.
And then people would go.
There was less rules in Indiana.
Like they just cared a little bit less.
Yeah.
Oh, I could see that.
They were more lenient about selling illegally.
Most places, things get certainly a little bit more lenient.
Out here, sometimes I can't figure out what it is about L.A. that – It's like give the opportunity.
It's like I can go do comedy anytime.
I get to be around really funny people that I look up to and admire.
And then also diversity is so different here.
It's like here, it's like, yeah, there's a lot of different ethnicities.
Everybody kind of gets along.
It's pretty chill.
There's not really like race.
I don't ever feel like racial tension here, really.
Yeah, but I think it's also because there's a lot of, this city is pretty segregated in the way that it's.
Oh, it's definitely segregated, no doubt.
So that's why I don't think there's a lot of tension here because it's almost like people stick to their neighborhoods here, right?
Like you go in a Latinx, you go in a Mexican neighborhood and it's almost all Mexican.
And then a little bit of Korean, but then Korea towns, all Korean.
I feel like when you go to other cities like New York or Chicago, it's a lot more mixed.
I mean, it's segregated still.
Yeah.
But it's like you almost don't have a choice but to interact because of public transportation.
We don't do that here.
If there was more public transportation, more races would interact here.
Because people of all colors of working class levels that need to use it, you just have to interact.
Or even as people looking for stuff, if people are like outdoors, you know, like.
Yeah, everybody's in the car.
You can't even, if you see somebody walking here, you're like, damn, you know, hope they're okay.
Yeah, you feel like.
And it's just some guy walking to the store.
Going grocery shop.
Who did I see walking?
I saw a comic walking today.
Oh, it's so weird when you see somebody walking that you know.
That's so strange.
I speed up so they don't see me.
I don't want them to see.
I don't want to have that weird, hey, it's too little time to talk.
So you just have to keep going.
Have you seen someone in public that you made eye contact with that you know that you just don't you don't say hi, you guys just keep moving?
There's a lot of people I feel like that I know by face, but I don't know who they are, and I can't remember how I know them or anything.
And so you just avoid it?
No, no, no.
I'll kind of engage a little.
Sometimes I'll go into a deep conversation.
I've always had a tough time of knowing like how well I know people or not, you know?
Like I remember one time I went to somebody's baby's christening or something and they're like, what in the fuck are you doing here, dude?
Like you don't even fucking know us.
And I was like, oh shit, man.
But you were being nice.
You're like, I just want to see the baby get birth.
I want to see this, the blessing, you know?
Well, I want, yeah, dude.
Look, bruh.
And the baptism, dude, I freaking still remember, dude, I remember taking a couple extra sips when I was under that water, bro.
You were guzzling.
You know what I'm saying?
I remember the first time I stole one of those, the blood of Christ at a Catholic church.
Because did you do some alter buoying?
No, I did none of that.
Really?
We weren't Catholic, really.
Dude, you should do a series about being a taller altar boy.
The tallest altar boy?
Yeah.
The tall boy?
The taller boy?
The tall terboy?
Yeah, the talter boy.
Dude, you totally.
Because let me just say this.
Anytime people look at you, they think you've done altar boying.
Do you think that's a good thing?
I don't think so.
I did it, so I know my kind.
Oh, really?
You're an altar boy?
Yeah, yeah.
I was safe, though.
I think they knew I would squeeze.
Is that why you got that one wandering eye?
I'm just learning about this.
He has to refocus every couple of seconds.
You see it recheck a little bit.
Oh, just checking for the.
But he's good because he's got his eyes on a swivel.
Eyes on the Lord looking for the devil.
He's always looking for the devil.
That's why he's a smart cat.
No, we weren't Catholic enough for me to be a part of the church.
I also got asked to leave Sunday school multiple times.
I could see that, though.
I just didn't enjoy the content.
I just was like, I was always, I questioned everything.
That's why I like Jews.
That's part of their religion is to question more.
Catholics are like, don't ask.
It's none of your business.
Jews are like, inquire, inquire.
Yeah, let's see what's going on.
Let's figure this out.
Yeah, they're all the technologies.
Sometimes the questions just go too far.
It's like, oh, dude, everybody.
Relax.
Let's slow down.
Let's chill out, dude.
It's just yogurt.
You don't need to get the fingerprint kit out.
Yeah, for Catholics, no, we weren't Catholic enough to be an altar.
How many years did you do it, Nick?
All grade school, so K through six.
Wow.
I'm not going to ask you the embarrassing, obvious, cheap question, but was it traumatic at all?
Did you hate it?
I said I think I was safe because they thought I would tell if you sniffed.
Yeah, yeah.
I wouldn't let that happen to me.
The church was so mean.
Because my mom, I mean, all my family went to Catholic school, and the nuns would beat their ass.
Oh, yeah, nuns would beat them.
They would smack them in the face.
Wow.
They would smack my mother in the face.
My mom said it was a totally normal thing, and no one would say anything.
If you so much as made a, like one of those things, they would crack you in the mouth.
But now people question, there's so much more questioning of the Lord or questioning of any sort of mainstream parameters, it feels like, you know?
Questioning of police, questioning of teachers.
Well, authority has always had a, society's always had a problem with authority.
Yeah.
And we want to know why they treat people certain ways.
I mean, power is bias, right?
So authority is going to be bias as well.
Who you are negative and positive to is inherently going to be part of your chemical makeup and your bias towards who you like and dislike, and all that stuff is deep-rooted in where you come from, who you were raised around.
So it's just inherent for us to question authoritative figures because who gives anybody the right to tell someone what to do?
You know what I mean?
It's kind of like when they say there's no bias in refereeing or umpiring, it's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life.
You think there is a hundred percent because, regardless of if you're if you're a referee and uh you're refereeing uh a Kentucky game and a Arizona game, whatever the sport is, you will have inherently one closer relationship to one of those two places because of a friend, a family, you know, something.
See, you're gonna just, there's gonna be something in there.
Like a moment in your, yeah, like, oh, this could have gone either way.
I'm gonna give it that way.
I can give you, I just don't believe there is a not, there's no non-bias in judging an authority.
It just can't exist.
That's why jury duty is bananas.
It's crazy to ask the people.
I think that's the crazy.
It should be a complicated thing.
Now it's crazier than ever.
Yeah.
Because now it's like you have people that are really more like, okay, I'm over here.
I'm over here.
Like if you walked into a jury now, you're going to look at the jurors and be like, fuck.
Fuck no, dude.
I don't stand a chance here or I do stand a chance here.
Or I'm going to get away with murder.
Yeah.
You're right, though.
I think society is doing this thing now where it's more, people are so much more defined.
Like there's, for some reason, people are so angry at the opposition, whatever they dislike, that they want to go as far as they can away from them when you should be getting a little bit closer to find out why they feel that way.
I don't know, man.
Because there's a lack of empathy sometimes.
It's like it has definitely become...
Like some company was trying to make virtual reality so you know how it is to be Mexican or you know how it is to be black or you know how it is to like, you know, be no arms or whatever, you know, have nothing or can't read or something.
And I'm like, well, fuck, dude, nobody's going to play that game.
You know what I'm saying?
For some reason, a lot of these white guys aren't playing this game.
Sounds like the worst game.
Bro, you know who doesn't get enough credit?
Mexican people, dude.
I love Mexican people.
Everything in Los Angeles, the predomination of the workforce is Mexican.
The reason we're in operation is because of Mexican people.
If Mexican people literally left Southern California, nothing would function.
I'm dead ass serious.
Yeah, they could easily change the minimum wage if they want if they all just said.
Yeah, if they took a NEEC.
Like if they protested.
I mean, think about every meal, almost every meal I eat is cooked.
Predominantly, there's a lot of Mexican cooks.
A lot of Mexicans are caretakers of, you know, everything from labor jobs to hospice, hospital jobs.
From grapes to freaking raisins to human raisins.
Everything, bro.
Senior citizens do.
Human raisins.
Everything.
It never, it's just like, man, I was thinking, but it's like, it's not racist to say that.
Why would it be?
Yeah.
We're giving credit to a predominant workforce.
There are hardworking people who find the jobs that work for what they can give versus, and I'm not trying to be this dude, but a lot of Americans, especially Americans that were like taking our jobs, a lot of those Americans didn't try for those jobs anymore.
So you can't be mad at people that were hardworking, that wanted something.
You can't be angry about that.
Yeah, I never get, hardworking is my favorite attribute of anybody.
Yeah, if you just are going, if you'll stop at nothing to just continue to work hard and get new work, I don't know how you can be so mad at that.
It's your own fault.
You get in your own way.
But people want to get lazy and then they complain.
Yeah.
There's not enough work and somebody's taking my job.
I promise they're not taking your specific.
And by the way, there's always new jobs being worked out.
Someone's figuring out a new job somewhere.
I think people just get lazy and it's easier to complain.
It's way easier to complain.
Oh, yeah.
Than to do anything.
Oh, I do it like I notice about myself.
I notice I'll do it like with the industry and stuff, you know?
It's like just having it, because I have a chip on my shoulder a lot of times about the industry.
Do you, though, still?
Yeah, I think it just carried over.
I think a lot of it.
I think just from, you know, over years of feeling like, oh, I didn't get a chance.
You know, so many people get chances that it seems like you would get more of an opportunity.
Even when I do have opportunities, I don't notice them because I'm still stuck in that mindset sometimes.
I feel that.
But I mean, what would you want differently now?
Do you know what I mean?
What would it be differently at this point?
You know what's funny is sometimes I don't even know and I will still get mad about it?
Have that edge, yeah.
That's funny.
So yeah, I'm just saying, like I can, that I relate to what you're saying there because, yeah, it's just easier sometimes to complain.
And here's the thing, a lot of times I don't even notice it about myself.
You don't know you're doing it.
Yeah, that you have this like kind of like, it's not a self-pity thing, but it's like it's easier to keep that ball in the air than to let it, you know, to get over whatever it is and take advantage of your opportunity.
Totally.
I mean, I was talking to someone the other day.
I won't mention their name, but they were talking to me about how somebody had kind of hurt them.
And you can say who it is, dude.
He doesn't.
He probably wants to keep it private.
Oh, I thought it was Tulsi Gabbard.
It is.
Yeah.
Kamala Harris.
She was talking to me.
She was like, that bitch hurt me bad.
And I said, she's got that bus now.
Anybody riding on it?
She got a bus and then she dropped out.
Wasn't that hilarious?
That was the funniest video I've ever seen in my life.
She's like, look at my bus.
And then like two minutes later, she was like, she dropped out.
I think the bitches wanted a bus.
That's all it is.
This is a bus home.
All abort.
Dude, I love politics getting so fucking good, bro.
It is.
So many people are getting so.
It's so funny.
And bro, all of these candidates, especially like the Democratic candidates, have all just like, they're all just canceling each other out before they even have a chance.
How many Republicans do you know are running, by the way?
How many can you name?
None, I don't think.
Isn't that funny?
But I can name you 10 Democrats who are like putting their hat in the ring now.
I mean, Mike Bloomberg is putting all these hats.
Bloomberg got in.
I think he stands your best chance, but I think Sanders stands your best chance over there.
I guess, man.
I don't know.
I think a lot of people have a big issue with his platforms.
I think just because he went on Rogan and people got to hear him in a real sense, I think he definitely, by that episode, you got to know him more.
I'm just Saying that he, I don't think he stands a chance to win, but I think he just stands a chance to get their nomination.
That's all I mean.
Yeah, that's probably true.
I think, you know what, I think the, I was trying to, I was trying to talk about it on stage.
I was trying to figure this out.
I think the, like, I think the country would love a regular dude.
You know how they say Donald Trump is a regular dude?
You know, like, he's like, he's a all-American.
He's really not.
Right.
I think they really want a regular ass dude.
I think the country would benefit.
Darren.
Darren.
Darren from Des Moines, Iowa.
Yeah.
Who just is.
Daniel.
Daniel.
He's just doing it.
Yeah.
I think they're ready for a regular.
I can't talk about this all day, man.
I got to work, man.
People are like, oh, I fucking respect that.
The president's going to talk from six to seven when he gets off of work.
Yeah, and he doesn't do press conferences because he's like, I'm busy, bro.
I'm cooking my kids' breakfast.
It'd be nice to have a president who didn't have all those, like the private chef and the drivers and all that stuff.
It's just like that they, it'd be nice to have a president of the people who literally was like, has their normal people schedule because then he could bitch about real ass shit.
Yeah.
If he was like, nah, man, the traffic was crazy today.
I was trying to take my kid to school.
And then, you know, the window.
I had to get the window panes redone.
Like, it'd be funny to hear a president talk like how average people have to talk.
Yeah.
It would just feel more connected.
You know, because everyone's like, we need a businessman, a businessman.
And then when Trump got in, that's what they kept raw-round a businessman.
But now Democrats are trying to run on that same platform, ironically enough.
Like Bloomberg's whole commercial.
That's what he's pushing.
I'm a businessman, but I'm a liberal.
But it's like, you're too late.
That game is gone.
You know what I mean?
That's not going to be the selling.
No person in the middle is going to go, ah, that's what we needed, a liberal businessman.
That wasn't why they liked Trump as a businessman.
It's the opposite.
They liked the fact that he was cutthroat, a cutthroat businessman.
Well, I think things, people then want things to be more cutthroat.
I think that there's too much, we can do everything.
Because I think some of the proof is starting to show up in front of our faces that we can't help every person in the whole world.
We can't do, and I know the goal is to try to do that.
Yes, you want to try to help everyone, you know, but the reality of it is that at a certain point, I think it becomes impossible.
Yeah, no, it is.
It is literally impossible.
And so then you're like, well, we're America.
We should do it at least by example.
And I agree.
It's just that in some ways, it's like, in the end, it comes down to us.
It's like we need to help each other.
We're politics.
We're the president.
We're the vice president.
It's people.
Right.
It's people.
It's not some thing that's always going on that we can all point fingers at and blame.
It's people and how we treat each other and how we behave that's either going to make or break this overall earth program.
Yeah, for sure.
Well, I also think, I think, like go back to how we started in villages.
You know, like it takes a village, that old phrase, like, it takes a village to raise a child.
I think when we had smaller units and villages and little bubbles, they were more high functioning because everyone kind of served a purpose.
But now we have so many people and the village is so large now, it's just difficult.
And now we're trying to help out not just our village, but a village 2,000 miles away, another state.
I think that's what's really hard is other states trying to solve other states' problems on a federal level.
Yeah.
It's super difficult.
Well, I love going back to the state government.
I think it would help a lot.
I think it would help people focus more on what's going on more locally with them.
Your village.
We need more help in our own villages.
It's really hard to help other people.
I wish we could, dude.
I'm not one of those people that's like...
No doubt.
But also, you have so many errant people saying like, well, what about these people?
And it's a picture of like nine people starving in, you know, Viet Guam.
And you're like, first of all, that's not a place.
It's not a real country.
Yeah.
Got rid of that problem.
And that picture could be 20 years old, 14 years.
Like, it just, and somebody fires it off, you know, some angry little gay gentleman.
He's like, well, what about these guys, you know?
What about Terrence and these other guys?
Nobody cares.
Nobody cares.
Yeah.
And it's like, dude, and so 7,000 fucking people sitting somewhere with no job retweeted.
Right.
And now that's a thing.
That's the new thing.
It's like, that's not the thing, dude.
The thing is, how do I help myself?
And how do I help the people that are closest to me, I think?
Well, yeah.
And if you have, I don't think you should be forced to help, but I think it should be encouraged and it should be a positive notion, right?
Like, I'm not saying everyone with tons of money should give away all their money, but I think it should be like, it should be a cooler notion, right?
You know how they try to make not doing drugs cool?
You know how they're like, say no to drugs.
Like, that's cool.
It's like they tried that program.
It's like the idea should be more difficult.
But that wasn't that.
It was cool.
They've tried it.
But dude, remember it would always be, can you look up a say no to drugs?
Car wreck at school.
School car wreck.
They used to, every year, bro, they would bring this car wreck to our school and they would set it up out on the floor.
Oh, I'd see it, right?
A drunk driving car.
I know.
Yeah, I remember that.
Yeah.
And fucking Fat Lance, dude, and his wife, who were like, and that was the guy's name.
I'm not calling him Fat Dude.
His name was Fat Lance.
Yeah, it was a fucking eight letters on his birth certificate and his first name.
And it was Fat Lance.
But they would drive off with just some bootleg lights blaring on the top of their truck and be like, oh my God, what happened?
And then they would smell the kid's breath.
They wouldn't even check the kid's pulse or anything to see if they were live.
Very unorganized.
Wanted to make sure he was drunk.
Yeah, like, oh, damn, he's drunk.
He's drunk and dead.
He's dead and drunk.
Were you looking for a specific video?
Yeah, can you put a picture up of it?
No.
Yeah.
West Hollywood does that too.
They still do that.
They put out a car.
They put out cars in the middle of the city of drunk driving accidents.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, they just put one out there in front of the police station every year.
But it's also like, why is it only one time you think it happens all year round?
They just say to the holidays, there's probably the most.
Right there, there's one at school, right?
That's a painted.
When they did ours, it was always before prom and the girl died.
And then they played Eric Clapton.
Tears in Heaven?
Yes, yes.
Dude, I used to share a room with a gentleman over there outside of in the warehouse district, New Orleans, when I went to Loyola down there, and I just learned Tears in Heaven on the guitar, and he used to make me come in the room and play it for him and his girl at night, some lady he was banging.
Really?
I used to make my buddy play Stairway to Heaven.
He would do Coke, and his fingers would bleed.
He'd strum the guitar so hard, he would be coked out playing Stairway to Heaven.
I loved it so much.
I make him play it over and over.
The best part about your friends doing Coke playing guitar, they'll never not play the song.
Yeah, that's true.
They'll never put that thing down.
You'll go, man, play that song.
They'll go, you want to play it again?
It's like, yeah, play that again.
They'll loop you till you wake up the next morning.
I just learned it, bro.
I'd go in there and drop it three times on them, you know.
And then I would try to play every rose has its throne.
He'd be like, no, no, no.
Nah, go back.
Let's go back to the other one, dude.
Yeah.
That picture was so ridiculous because it looked so, they made it so fake.
It just so fake.
It was so fake.
That's why we laughed at that.
And remember the counselors or whoever is like, that's not funny.
You're like, but that is ridiculous.
Yeah, and they were always.
And I remember one year they tried to make it more ethnic in our town, and they were like, yeah, Ladarrel couldn't handle his liquor.
What county was he from?
He came over two counties over.
Ladarrel couldn't handle it.
Who is Ladarrel?
Let's go to that one on the top right, too, Nick.
Yeah, that one.
Right.
Yeah, that looks it.
Yeah, one person was always shuttled through the window.
She wasn't wearing her seatbelt.
Yeah.
That was their big.
You know what?
This isn't funny, but how crazy is it that sometimes when people aren't wearing their seatbelt, it's the only thing that saves their life?
That's what blows my mind when they're like, oh, it saves your life.
It's like people get flung out of the car, and they say if they stayed in the car, it would have crushed them.
But they get thrown out, break every bone, but they're still alive.
It's just, it's like, that's why I believe the funkiness that you can't predict any of that stuff.
You're going when you're going.
Oh, you're going when you're going.
I mean, you can help, you can help scenarios, but I think it's supposed to happen for sure when it's supposed to happen.
I think it's the universe, man.
But do you think it's preordained or you think it's just like that's when that roulette ball drops?
I think when that ball drops, I think when Jesus wakes up and has a bad day and he looks at you and he's like, that one's gone.
Yeah.
That one's gone.
This guy's going the fire.
This guy's got to go.
Oh, this tall altar boy.
Gone.
Out.
This tall terboy's got to go.
This tall tar boy with the wandering eye, that kid's got to go.
This guy that's dunking at all the Christian games, he's out.
He's out.
We can't have that, man.
We can't have this tall, thin ultra boy.
Yeah, I just think it's...
I don't like the word fate, but I think things just happen at random, but there's no stopping them.
Do you think you can do things or behave or operate in a way in the world that would make God or a higher power keep you here longer?
Yeah.
No.
No, because there's a lot of people that do a lot of bad things to other people, that kill people, that abuse people.
Touch them.
Touch them, yeah, and they still live.
So that's how I don't believe in that system.
I don't think it's you can stick around longer by being a better person.
I think you may physically make yourself healthier by being a better person, which in turn increases your odds, right?
The more things you do for people that are better, the better you take care of your body and your mind.
Yeah, you're going to spend time in better environments.
But there's probably a really good guy out there who falls off rock climbing.
He's a good cat, but it's just a freak accident.
A guy just did, actually.
Let's bring him up, Nick.
Some guy just fell, huh?
Yeah.
He fell from where?
A gentleman just passed last week, two days ago or something.
One of these rock boys.
Oh, yeah.
He was one of the subjects of Free Solo.
He was Bulgerian, I think?
No.
He was.
Viagangan.
Viagangan?
I think he was Japparagwin.
Was he really?
Yeah.
You know they can only see color in one eye?
Japparagwin?
Yeah.
In their left eye.
It's so.
I don't know why it is, but it is.
It's almost beautiful.
Accomplished Free Solo.
Brad Gobright was his name?
Brad Gobright.
Right.
Pause on all sides.
Look at the cop.
Accomplished Free Solo.
Brad Gobright dies in climbing accident at their descent 3.30 p.m.
What else does it say?
Another climber fell.
Two guys fell.
God damn, with him?
Free soloing, man.
I mean, it's just, it's the wild.
You're pushing.
You're just begging the universe to make it harder for you to stay around.
I think climbing a rock without ropes is just the wildest thing on earth.
Oh, yeah.
I don't know how much that's crazier.
That free solo documentary, you saw that, huh?
Creeped me out.
It made my chest feel weird, right?
Because I was like, this dude is off his rocker.
He had zero regard for the idea that he actually could go.
I think it just didn't, it never registers to him that, like, death is a thing that's real.
It just doesn't feel like it is to him.
He's like, no, I mean, I know people die, but I don't, I'm not going to die.
What's the closest you ever came to dying?
Honestly.
I was going to say, one time I choked on a McNugget and I thought I was going to die.
I'm dead ass serious.
I choked on a McNugget.
Where did you get it from?
Mickey D's.
But where, though?
Do you remember which?
Market Meadows, McDonald's on Naper.
Yeah.
In Chicago?
Downtown?
In the suburbs?
No, in the suburbs.
And I choked on it.
Naperville?
Woodridge.
Choked on a nugget.
I swear to God, I thought I was going to die.
It was lodged in my throat.
No, I was with a buddy.
Oh, wow.
And I was like, and he was trying to do the Heimlip, but it wasn't really working.
And I was trying to force myself.
And it dislodged somehow.
Thank God.
But I thought for sure that...
I mean, I've had a few moments of, like, you know, bad accident type of stuff that freaked me out, that gave me a scare, but it wasn't like...
I fell on my neck, and I blacked out like four or five times.
Didn't break my neck, though.
I think the doctor said something like I was a few pounds per square inch of pressure from cracking my neck.
Isn't that crazy?
They said the vertebrae was so bruised and had so much swelling and pressure from the liquid that it alone should have broke just to relieve itself, but it didn't.
I got lucky.
I was blacking in and out of consciousness when the paramedics were there, and they said it was a severe concussion.
I felt it for like a week and a half.
Dude, I don't know what those football players go through in the NFL, but falling on my neck one time changed the way I played basketball forever.
I don't, I never, I stopped jumping.
I was like, I'm never jumping again.
It scared me so much, man.
It freaked me out.
I woke up in the hospital three or four times.
You throw up sometimes when you have a concussion.
You ever get one?
Yeah, yeah.
I got one at my brother's.
I was looking for something and I fell down.
You smacked your head?
Yeah, just hit my head on something real hard at like this weird angle coming down.
And next thing you know, I was like talking to him.
Didn't even remember like standing back up, then sat down.
Did you throw up?
A lot of people throw up.
Uh-uh.
Just feel like I needed to take a nap.
And I was like right in this middle of like this conversation with him.
It was just really, really bizarre.
Did you have a near-death moment in your life?
You know, I choked actually.
This was in Chicago.
I choked on, if I have Gatorade and tuna fish at the same time, I'll chip my throat closes up.
That's in your Wikipedia page.
No, it isn't.
It should be.
But.
Gatorade and tuna fish.
Yeah, there's something about the...
Fish.
But I have it, and bro, and it happened once before, and I was like, oh, this is insane, you know.
You had tuna fish and Gatorade once before, and it just, you did it again?
And I was like, oh, this is just something else is going on.
And, you know, maybe I could talk about beef.
Maybe I stepped on something.
But this time when it happened, I was like, oh, fuck, this really is a thing.
I should have learned the first time, but this really is.
I like tempted it, you know.
What color Gatorade?
This was pink.
Ooh, pink Gatorade.
That could be why.
So I'm in a hotel room in Chicago.
I'm having it.
You know, I'm running late.
I just went to the gym.
Excuse me.
Bless you.
Bless.
Bless.
Three.
Three.
Bless.
Four.
Always a three.
I'm a two.
You are?
I'm a two.
Only two.
Nick is a two.
I'm a two.
Yeah.
Fuck, I got to tighten up.
That third one is like, hey, I'm.
What are you doing?
It's a little much.
Yeah.
Bless you, bless you.
And then when the third one comes, I go like this.
Bless you.
Like, I'm a little tired of saying bless you now at that point.
My grandma does four or five.
Ooh.
Yeah.
Four or five.
Seniors go risk.
Well, it was a form of communication back then.
It was flirting with someone.
If you blessed them three times, four times, you know.
You think she made herself sneeze more?
Oh.
She'd be just sniffing dust all day.
You ever have someone have one sneeze and it's really creepy and they don't sneeze again?
And you get nervous, right?
And they're like, and they keep talking to you and you're like, what was that?
Like, I just sneezed.
Dude, I had a friend who would close his mouth, sneeze out of his nose.
Oh, my God.
Fucking savage.
Don't ever hold your breath and sneeze.
You know that, right?
Don't ever do that.
You blow an O-ring that way.
I know the guy that did that.
Yeah.
You know, when you hold it in, he didn't want to sneeze out loud.
Blew his booty.
Makes my wiener hurt, man.
That kind of stuff scares me.
Are you scared of heights?
I wouldn't say that I'm scared of heights, but I'm not real fired up about them.
When I look over like a big balcony, my penis feels weird.
Does that do that to anybody else?
Well, and I'll tell you why.
And you can, if you don't mind Googling this as well, Nick.
It's crazy.
It's because you're lively.
Your life is in your life.
Yeah.
But I don't feel it on my benefit.
Your longevity, though, but you're that the thing of I'm going to live long.
I'm going to have a child.
I'm going to procreate.
All of that is in your genitalia in that area.
But it rattles through my shaft.
It's like a rattler roaming through my shaft.
Because your shaft's like, hey, we have to procreate.
Stick around.
We need family.
Yeah.
You're not a bird.
You know what I'm saying?
Your dick's trying to let you know you're not a bird.
We need family.
Yeah.
Stick around.
Don't jump.
That's what it's doing.
Yeah, it makes me tingle in my penis when I am on heights.
It's that thing.
Are you seeing something there, Nick?
A male that is afraid of heights when they are on a ladder peering over a balcony.
Do I get a tingling sensation on my balls?
Look, this is a Reddit thread.
Someone was asking.
Explain like I'm five why this happens.
And someone else said, the funny thing is I get that same tingling feeling when I'm very excited about finishing a task.
I completely understand that.
I get anxious about when something's about to come to a close, my balls tingle.
Like when I end every set, when I get the light and stand up, my balls start to tingle.
Like I know it's coming to a close.
Yeah, it's weird.
Your balls are trying to say, stay safe, and you have adrenaline coursing through your veins.
Your brain is telling your body there may be danger coming.
It's fight or flight kicking in.
I'm fighting, baby.
There's no flight in these nuts.
They are trying to re-exit your body.
This is your semen trying to exit your body to reach a safer place.
Now that makes sense.
Well, should I carry a cup?
I should just put a bunch of semen in a cup when that happens to save that.
That might be the good stuff.
Well, those articles now say freeze all your blood.
They say get as much blood out of your body, freeze it somewhere, get it in case you need it in the future, in case your kids need it, in case.
Because otherwise you're taking your kids somewhere and be like, hey, does anybody have any fucking blood?
Stranger's blood now.
The one stranger blood.
When you're full of it and you're like, oh, fuck, somebody help.
I got so much blood.
I have so much blood.
Do you really?
I have too much blood.
Doctors told me I have too much blood.
I cut my gums on a potato chip, habanero, a habanero potato chip.
And I bled for like a month and a half.
I went to the doctor and he said, you got too much blood.
It's got to get out.
Yeah, it's like I was relieving some of the pressure.
But I asked him if my blood was worth anything.
And he pulled me into a little tiny room and he said, your blood is worth more than most Americans.
You're in the 1%er of the blood club.
So I signed up for this thing.
I have a card.
I have to go see this person who tests me every couple of weeks from the government.
Is it NextHealth or something?
The Health.
The Health.
Yeah, The Health.
Yeah, so when you have too much blood, it's one of those things.
Damn.
Yeah, you get kind of...
Dude, we had a guy I remember that was choking one time when I was young at school, and two other guys, they were trying to do the homicid, but they didn't know how to do it.
Two other guys held him, one by his arms, one by his legs, and some guy ran up and fucking kicked him, dude.
He was choking on part of a Twix or something, bro.
Which one?
The right or the left Twix?
I don't know.
He's choking on one of that side.
But he broke like four of his ribs.
He kicked him.
And saved his life, dude.
Well, it's worth it, right?
I think.
I'm willing to break a couple of ribs to save my life.
Someone said, would you be willing to, okay, if the greatest singer of our generation, you know, was a blind kid, is this blind kid, and you either had to kill him or you die a tragic death, what would you do?
Oh, I'd kill him.
You'd kill the kid because he's blind?
No, I'd kill him.
I'd kill whoever it is to stay alive, yeah.
The greatest singer of our generation.
I can't do it.
We'll get extra singers.
We'll get more singers.
We'll have two shitty singers so I can learn how to pipe it together.
You know, we'll remix some shitty guy with dreads, dude.
Would you kill Nick to stay alive?
Yeah.
Nick, would you kill Theo to stay alive?
The greatest comic of our generation?
Probably not.
No, I'm just kidding.
Wow.
Loyal.
He knows who writes his checks.
Actually, maybe I wouldn't kill you.
Maybe I would take my own life, but I would make Nick very, very upset about it first.
I wouldn't even think about it.
I'd kill Nick so fast.
I'd kill him.
I would be a little bit overt, too.
If I hit him with my car, I'd just keep running him over.
Just to prove to the universe that I'm sticking around.
Sugar Knight?
I would Sugar Knight.
Yeah.
Or I'd hang you over a balcony.
I'd vanilla ice you.
Where's Sugar Knight?
Is there a black guy named Sugar Knight?
That's the Sugars.
He has diabetes.
The Sugars Night.
The Sugar's Night.
Can't be having all these sweets.
I got to remember, before I forget, so I'm choking on this tuna in this Gatorade.
I go to the hallway.
I try to call the front desk.
I can't even talk, man.
My throat is closed up.
I'm putting one of my hands down my throat and trying to open my fingers to keep my airway open.
Because the problem is that I'm...
Allergic, yeah.
And so my throat is closed up.
To tuna, right?
Yep, tuna and Gatorade.
Something, something, the chemical properties offset each other, something happened, huh?
Something in it, yeah.
I mean, I just, nothing else has ever done it to me.
And then, so next thing I know, I'm in the hallway and I'm trying to the cleaning lady, you know, I'm just making these sounds.
I remember she hands me a tampon, bro.
She thought something was wrong in my room.
I was like, and she assumes that must mean had a tampon thing in her car and gave me a little pack.
That makes sense.
Like, what?
Panicking.
She's like, you need tampon?
Yes.
That's exactly what that means.
That's communicating I need a tampon.
You know, when you're in the hotel room and the cleaning lady, they come in, they knock and they come in right away?
Do you tell them right away?
Do you go, oh, no, no, no, no, I'm good, I'm good?
Or do you let them figure it out?
I let them figure it out.
I just let them figure it out.
I sit in bed and I let them come all the way in and they go, oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm like, that's okay.
That's okay.
I just let them, it's okay.
Just can I get new towels?
I let them in.
You're just sitting there naked on the computer.
Come on in.
Come on in.
No, that's fine.
Just towels.
It's fine.
Just sitting there typing away, butt-ass naked.
I stay naked in a hotel.
I stay naked.
Oh, dude, there's something about hotels.
A comedian used to do a bit about it.
There's something about hotels where you get in there, you got to get naked.
You got to get naked.
What is that?
I don't know.
Well, because it's not your room.
You feel naughty.
You're in somebody else's room.
And you just, you don't have any responsibility.
If anything goes wrong in there, it's not your problem.
It's really nice.
It's like a rental that you don't, that there's no agreement on.
You know what I mean?
A temporary rental.
That if something happened, you're just like, that's not me.
I didn't do that.
That was there when I came in.
That's the best part.
There's no responsibility in hotels.
You could do whatever you want.
You have as many people there.
It's wonderful.
I know a girl in high school that used to live in one of those extended stay hotels.
She would have parties every single day.
Oh, wow.
No consequences.
And she was a real party type of girl?
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
And her mother, it was her and a single mother.
And her mother was never around because she was working.
I never saw her mom.
We got to go over that.
We got to go to the extended stay all the time and just party.
It was wonderful, man.
Did you know anybody in high school who had an apartment?
I didn't really.
I remember this girl.
I asked her out one time.
She said yes.
And I took her to a dance.
And I had a chance to take off her underpants one time.
And it was just me and her.
And I fucking got scared, bro.
You got nervous?
Yeah.
What kind of, what?
Granny panties?
She was so hot.
I don't remember.
She was hot and you got nervous?
She was so fucking hot, dude.
I remember going in the bathroom and masturbating.
So the thought of maybe taking off her panties, the fact that you didn't get to take off her panties.
And she was still in the living room when I did it.
Yeah, I get that.
Trust me, I've done shit like that.
I just remember sitting on a pool table and I kind of had my hands on the upper legs and was just feeling it and we were kissing, bro.
And I was like, fuck, dude, I'm living my dreams, you know?
And then I fucking couldn't handle the pressure of it.
You broke, huh?
Oh, dude.
I just remember that.
I remember getting scared.
I was like, I'm not going to get an erection, everything.
This girl hates me.
You did get an erection, though.
I don't remember.
When I went in the bathroom, but it's easy to get an erection to masturbate.
You're looking at yourself in the mirror.
No, no.
I only looked at myself when I jerked off.
I would stare right into my face in the mirror.
Yeah, right into my eyes.
Oh, my God.
That's insane.
Who are you, bro?
Fucking Dane Cook.
Hannibal Ector, bro.
Oh, damn.
Are you that guy from, who is that guy on that movie that they do the business cards where they kill a Call American Psycho?
Yeah.
Yeah, that's exactly what that is.
The first hookup nerves, the first hookup nerves are bad.
I went down on a girl that I had such a big crush on for so long that she tapped me on the head to let me know that I was done.
Like, that's it.
That'll do.
I swear to God, I was so nervous, man.
Hey, buddy, this ain't the swim team.
Let's go.
Let's tighten up.
Up, up.
She goes, up, up, up.
I was so nervous, man.
She was so beautiful.
I never thought you'd have sex with me.
And she said, I can't believe you didn't have sex with me.
But I was nervous.
I thought you wouldn't want to have sex with me.
I know, man.
This is my first year of college.
I was like, this girl doesn't want to have sex with me.
Dude, I remember hooking up with this girl, and I was going to lose my virginity.
How old were you?
I don't remember.
15 or 16. And I actually lose my virginity behind a bowling alley in our town.
Shout out Tiffany Lanes over there on Highway 22. Tiff, Tiff, Tiff, Tiff, Lane.
Yeah, dude, yeah.
Roll some stones.
Well, people were throwing rocks at us.
Speaking of stones, man.
Really?
Yeah.
Just because they didn't like, you guys, premarital sex?
Just excitement, no?
People excitement, and they had rocks around them.
So when they got amped up, they're like, we got to hit them with something because we're so happy for them.
Yeah, we're just cheering our boy on.
That makes sense.
That's like why people throw rice at weddings.
Same thing.
You're excited, so you want to throw something at him?
Yeah, big.
Yeah.
Did you get hit with a rock while you're hooking up?
I'm sure I caught a couple.
nothing big, shells.
You know, like those shells, those white shells people used to use as driveway shells, yeah, that's what you got hit with.
Yeah, those don't hurt that much.
Uh-uh.
They're not real rocks.
No, they're like, Yeah, I don't know what they are.
They're not really, they're not, they're like half hollow.
Yeah, it's kind of like rocks for poor people, kind of.
Poor rocks.
You know what I'm saying?
Poor people always had those shell driveways, you know?
Always, for some reason.
It was so weird.
And it was always a mess.
It was always, there was oil stains all over it.
There was tons of tire chunks because someone had spun out in the winter and left it like that.
Always.
Remember those?
It was like little bitty shells?
Yeah, they were like, yeah.
Just poor rocks.
Poor people were.
But this girl, dude, I remember hooking up and then I ended up ejaculating early.
So we didn't engage.
And then I was so nervous for some reason that everybody at the party would know, I made both of us climb out of the window and come in through the front door of my house to the party.
They knew you were upstairs and then you left and came back in?
Yeah, I think I just didn't want anybody knowing my business, I guess.
I was like, oh, if people see us come out of this bedroom together.
But if they saw you come in the front door when they thought you went upstairs, then you think that was more normal?
They think maybe we were magic or something, you know?
But not fucking.
Yeah, they think you have special talents.
Yeah, they'd be like, damn, these people are magic.
What were they doing up there?
Transporting?
They were reincarnating by the front door.
Repelling themselves.
But no, dude, it was first floor window.
So it was just, but there was a bunch of bushes out there.
I remember her being like, what am I climbing out of here for?
What did you tell her?
You're like, people can't know.
Yeah, I was just like, oh, we should probably keep this on the DL.
This is more fun this way.
Yeah.
And maybe it's because, yeah, it could have been more fun.
I don't remember.
It's adventurous, right?
When you're young, you're more adventurous with where you'll have sex.
It's more adventurous.
Anywhere.
You'll do it anywhere.
You'll hide in more fun places.
Yeah.
Yeah.
First of all, car sex.
High school car sex was such like a common thing.
You had to have sex in the car.
Where else are you going to go?
I mean, we have basements in the Midwest, so people go to the basements.
Oh, yeah.
That's where you go, man.
You go in a basement.
Somebody had a cool, everybody had a cool basement where you could sneak away in a corner of the basement and get away with it.
But car sex was everything.
For some reason, and you'd find the darkest, deepest corner of your community, and a cop would somehow roll by.
Why?
Because you're just as dumb as a fucking...
You're just a dumb kid.
You pick the easy.
The easiest spot.
But you think it's smart.
You think it's great.
And cops have already been kids.
So they're like, oh, this is the place I would go.
They're like, this is where I would smell.
Yeah.
Right behind the church or right behind, just someplace that's like.
Did you ever get caught having sex?
My mother caught me getting a blowjob.
Oh, the same girl who I made climb out that window, we tried to have sex at her house one time, and the mom came in the room, and I went over and introduced myself because I didn't know what else to do, you know?
Dick out?
Oh, yeah, right.
Did she throw rocks too?
My mom comes in.
She didn't look at my dick, though, and I did respect that.
She did not?
No.
She just stared at your eyes the whole time.
Yeah, and I respected that, man.
And that's when I knew that this lady's a good lady.
Yeah.
What about you, Nick?
Kind of just recently, the girl was staying at her parents', and I had to introduce myself to her mother.
She was like 28 years old, but stayed living at home.
Wait a minute.
So they caught you in the act at all?
Or no?
She just knew you were there popping up.
Came over at like 3 a.m.
And we're in a room before it happened.
Nick.
Don't you live?
Why couldn't she come to you?
My place is kind of shitty.
I'm always down to go someplace else.
She lives in Orange County.
She's got a nice crib.
Where do you live?
Alcohol.
Like Hollywood and like three-person apartments.
Hers was a three-person house.
It was her mom and dad.
And they knew you were there.
Yeah, they did 3 a.m.
Yeah.
You couldn't just be postmates, you know?
Yeah.
How was it?
Was it?
but We start wearing postmate shirts or Uber shirts.
She was Filipino.
I was like, you know Joe Coy?
I used to work for Joe Coy.
You said that?
Yeah.
She loved it, huh?
Oh, yeah.
She's like, we love Joe Coi.
He has 100% penetration, that community.
Do you like Joe Coi?
I used to work for him.
She's like, we love Joe Coi.
I know.
You want me to call him on my phone right now?
Joe, help me get out of this, please.
What did you say to the mother?
What was the first thing you said?
I introduced myself.
Right, because you weren't Naki.
You were just over there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I had just gotten in, and she was like, what's all the commotion and stuff?
Yeah, we weren't engaged.
Did you still hook up?
Yeah.
Yeah, good for you.
After you met the mother or before?
Yeah, she brought us cakes.
I know Joe Coy, man.
That's so smart.
That's very smart.
And a good fit.
And by the way, good for her.
Good for the mother being cool about it.
She didn't kick you out.
You seem like a nice kid.
You're a Talter boy.
She probably could feel that in your bones.
And she was like, you stick around, bud.
You're a good white kid from the Midwest.
She could feel it.
I mean, the girl's 28. She can have gas.
It's not like your children.
Now, that's a unique thing, too.
I remember going somewhere with my mom and my stepdad and meeting a lady that worked at this restaurant.
And then that night, the next morning, I told my mom, mom, remember the girl from the restaurant?
She's in the room.
And my mom was like, what?
Like, just like magic, you know, like, what?
You do magic?
You know, like, no, remember, we went out last night.
I'm just smelling like tequila, just bad, you know?
And just like I had this old, my mother had this old bed that we hooked up on.
It had all like these Mardi Gras beads hanging off of it.
On the bed?
Like on the bed?
Hanging off of it.
That's just like anybody from Louisiana with no money, you would decorate a show with Mardi Gras beads.
They were cheap.
Yeah, they were cheap.
And they look pretty nice from far away if the lights are.
It's shiny.
Yeah, it's color, a little bit of color.
Yeah, it always looks festive.
That is, dude.
But they are just so loud if you're trying to engage with somebody.
If you're trying to tickle somebody or have sex.
And that blew my mom's mind.
She's like, you have to sneak her out of here if you're stepdad Caesar.
Yeah, stepdad wouldn't approve.
Yeah, he was kind of a curmudgeon.
Some people don't want to approve anything, you know.
Is that what he was?
He was just attitude about everything?
Didn't like anything.
I think, well, in his home, you know, I think men get that way at a certain point, and I get it, you know.
Oh, we don't do that stuff in my home.
I paid.
You want to do that?
Go get your own house.
Yeah.
That's that old phrase.
Like, it says mine.
If you want to do something, you go get your own.
Yeah.
I get that.
I get that.
If I have kids, and there's always that awkward point when your son starts masturbating.
Oh.
I'm going to make him do it outside.
You can't do that in my house.
You have to step outside.
Oh, my dad used to make us bury it, dude.
If we jerked off, go put it in the yard.
I'm going to build a masturbation shed.
I say, you go to the shed and put a little baby heater in there for when it's cold.
But go to the shed.
I want you to go to the shed and think about it.
Oh, that's lively.
Yeah, go jerk off in the shed.
Let it stay outside of my home.
I paid for the home.
I make them buy the shed.
Right.
And it'll give them sort of an idea of like, okay, you know, this is something, this is a special event.
Not your dish.
When you think sometimes when, you know, the product of human that's being created these days, it's like, no wonder.
Yeah.
No wonder everybody has some, you know, some kid has nine elbows and he fucking, you know, and he's just drinking snot out of his nose.
No fucking wonder.
Because every decent nud was ejaculated.
It's all gone.
Yeah, it's all blown out.
These are the leftovers.
These are the nuts.
You're from NUT 9000.
No wonder you fucking, you know.
No wonder you have six tongues, dude, and you're never going to be able to read.
It's a beautiful day.
I'm happy you're here and I'm happy I'm here.
What I'm saying is that some men suffer from erectile difficulty and that's problems within your body by your penis.
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And now, back to the program.
Let's get a question.
We had some video questions that came in from some good humans, man.
Look at this guy.
Yo, what's up, Andrew?
What's up, Theo?
I wanted to know how do you guys manage anger?
It could be somebody making you angry or you're angry at something and how do you respond to it and how do you stay cool?
Gang, gang.
Gang, bro.
And you, let's start.
You.
I like that guy.
I like that guy.
You're more of an anger guy.
I'm very angry off.
No, but I'm a balanced guy.
I just have anger in me.
I like that guy because I knew he was going to have a foreign accent, but I knew I wouldn't know where it was from.
It was just a little tinge of something.
He's got a little Eastern European in there or something like that.
Play it.
Play it.
What's up, Andrew?
What's up, Theo?
I wanted to know how you guys manage anger.
Manage.
Somebody making you angry or you're angry at something and how do you respond to it and how you stay cool?
Yeah, he has a tinge of something.
Eastern European.
I'm going to go Poland.
I'm also going to say he's from Canada, though.
Do you know where he's from, Nick?
He didn't say.
He's from Newfoundland, if anything.
Yeah, Newfoundland.
How do I manage anger?
I think everyone does it.
I mean, on a personal level, obviously.
I like to run.
I put on headphones and I run for as long as I can until negative thoughts go away.
Wow.
I get into a fight with the old bag.
I put on my headphones and I disappear into the night.
Running at night's like my favorite thing in the world to get rid of my anxiety or my anger.
I just run until I feel like I'm done.
I force gump it for real.
I just run until I'm done.
I know exactly when I'm done.
It's not like a numbers thing.
It's not like a mileage ticker.
I just keep running.
And then sometimes one time I ran so far I took an Uber home.
Damn.
I ran seven miles in one direction and I was like, I don't want to run seven miles back.
Yeah.
I fucking hit an Uber.
Sometimes I do that shit.
That's how I manage it.
I used to, you know, therapy and all that stuff.
You can do a lot of that too.
But I find exercise for some reason it wipes away all the thoughts in my brain.
Yeah.
Negative shit.
If someone's being negative and it's circulating in my world, you know, people being mean or rude or whatever, I just run.
Well, having that physical element, you have it's so imperative, really.
I think in anything is having a physical element to go along with whatever your process is or your program is.
Like, you know, you see a lot of these guys, you see a lot of guys who, you know, in the self-help world, a lot of them have a real physical element also to what they do to keep them active, keeps your blood moving, reminds you that you're like a being that is not just this brain that's just like, you know, stuck on this, you know, in a weird little rabbit wheel or whatever, you know, that you are this, you know, capable creature, you know?
And it reminds your body that, and I think your body even reminds your brain that, and like on another level, like, dude, chill the fuck out, bro.
Quit thinking about that shit.
We're running.
We're running, bro.
Yeah, we're doing.
Look how capable you are.
Yeah, that's, yeah.
You do yoga, right?
You still do yoga?
I've been doing it.
Actually, recently I've gotten into a lot of meditation recently, which has really been helping me feel good.
And yeah, I do yoga and I go to the gym.
I have a trainer now that I go see at least two days a week, and then I'll go by myself, too.
And it helps, man.
It just, these days you got to have it.
We're more sedentary creatures, I think.
Well, it's easier to get everything.
You know, you have it delivered.
You sit in your car.
You sit around too much.
We work at these things sometimes.
You know what I mean?
You do podcasts a lot.
You're sitting and operating, working on computers and things all the time.
You have to get up and go.
What do you do?
What do you do to manage your anger?
You work out?
Is that what you do too?
Well, meditation helps me.
Most of my anger is at myself, really.
Yeah, I don't see you get angry at other things, other elements you don't really get mad at.
You're a hard guy.
As long as I've known you, I've never seen you get really angry at somebody unless they really did something bad.
But it's rare for you to get upset.
Yeah, I think for some reason, I just end up getting upset at myself.
So these days it's just kind of managing that, realizing that things are okay.
And if I have anger, realizing, figuring out what my part is in it.
Why am I angry at this person?
Like, what's really going on?
Am I really angry at this person?
Or I probably could have done something.
A lot of times I didn't communicate clearly.
That's a lot of my problem I noticed.
I don't communicate clearly what I want in the beginning or what I'm hoping for or what I'm expecting.
So then I get down the road and it's like, what the fuck's going on, dude?
You know what I'm saying?
What did you expect?
Yeah, we're at a carnival, dude.
You know what I'm saying, bro?
You know what I'm saying?
I'm trying to buy quick creed, dog, and you and me are fucking eating Sundays at a carnival.
This shit's pissing me off.
But it's like, well, dude, I didn't know.
So a lot of times for me, I notice it's communication.
That's where things get errant because the story will go in my head.
My head will start rattling.
But yeah, I'll do some meditation.
But physical fitness always helps.
Let's get into another one here.
We got.
G.O. Cheeto.
What up, guys?
This is Becca from Colorado.
So about a week ago, I was on this first date with this beautiful girl, and she orders a margarita, right?
And I ordered a nice glass of milk.
And she didn't want a second date.
So I guess my question to y'all is, adults drinking milk?
Yay or nay?
What do you guys think?
Yay.
Gang, gang, chug, chug.
Chug, chug.
Chug, chug, baby.
Yeah, yay.
I yay to that.
That's dope.
A guy wants a glass of milk.
He's an adult.
He can have a glass of milk.
This is the greatest country on earth.
You know?
They don't let you have milk in certain countries.
That's true.
It's a great country.
You can just have milk.
Maybe he didn't want a margarita.
You don't need her, bro.
She doesn't need to be judging your liquid choices.
That's insane.
The only liquids you should keep away from Theo are pink at a raid, if he's eating some tuna.
That's a no.
No, I don't like that.
Maybe he didn't feel like having a drink.
That's something weird about going on dates that I hear from all my friends.
They're like, they go on dates, and it's like, are they going to have, is it going to be an alcoholic beverage or not?
That's always like a big conversation.
Yeah, you got to make that choice.
Yeah, and it shouldn't even matter.
If you're going to go have drinks, we'll talk about it after the dinner and the drinks.
I mean, the dinner and the date.
It's like if we want to go to a bar, if that's the next step.
But I don't think my boy from Colorado should feel bad about having a glass of milk, especially if it was, you know, farm fresh.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, I think it, and hopefully you went whole milk.
If you go skim milk when she orders something, well, that could have been it.
She was probably like, he's like, I'll just take a 1%.
And she was like, we'll get out of here.
We don't need dessert.
Or if he asked for some weird ass milk, he didn't say who it was.
It could have been goats.
Yeah, if you asked for goat, chocolate, breast, if you ask for anything real ostentatious, bro, I think that's a bit much, dude.
I think if you order milk, though, at a bar, I think it is not going to give her the air that you are probably living alone, you know?
Yeah, but can I tell you something?
Milk at a bar is such a bold choice that it makes me think you're an adventurous dude.
That's a good point.
But at his age, I wonder, yeah, at his age, it just seems like.
Yeah, but he said at dinner.
So it wasn't at a bar.
I think it was at a restaurant.
Okay, they went to a nice restaurant.
That's legit.
I'm going to have milk with my meal.
Yeah, respect, man.
You fucking drink what you want.
Exactly.
Yeah, a lot of times I'll let the lady order first.
That way, if she wants alcohol, she can have alcohol.
And then I'll order after, you know?
Or if I get there early, I'll order something.
If I'm worried about how she, if drinking or not, I'll get something like a seltzer water, put a lime in it, or get a non-alcoholic beer sometimes if I really want to.
Do you like the taste of those?
There's so many of them now.
Oh, there are?
Bro, there's like 10 different ones.
I didn't even know that.
Yeah.
I know O'Duls is the one that my buddy's dad.
Yeah, Odu's the most popular.
He drinks that all the time.
He'll rip through 12 of them at our house.
He rips them, dude.
He'll get a 12-pack in an hour.
He's like, I got to get more Oduel's.
I love that, dude.
I think that's...
Yeah, the flavor is good.
And the new ones are, they have ones that are a lot more exquisite now.
Oh, you know what?
I'm lying.
Rogan has the Heineken does one.
What is it called?
Zero?
I don't remember the name.
Whatever.
Rogan made me try one once, but I don't like Heineken.
So it didn't taste.
I was just like, no, this is not.
It tasted like Heineken.
And Heineken, a lot of black men drink Heineken.
You know it?
Yeah, black guys don't like it.
It's like black males' beer.
Yeah, yeah.
Black men drink a lot of beer.
Well, the black guys don't like IPAs.
That's a white guy beer.
IPA is white.
Black guys like clear beer.
Clear beer.
I don't know what that is.
I don't like Heineken for some reason.
I just can't do it.
Heineken always gave me a headache and stuff.
I remember when I was in high school.
There was always something weird about it.
Yeah.
No, it threw me for a loop.
But also, I think, like when you were saying what you do to order in advance, I think that's really smart that you ordered like a salsa water just to set the tone.
Yeah, and if I put a lime in it, she doesn't know what it is.
That way it's like if in her mind, you know.
And also, if you don't drink, then there's, I feel like sometimes if you don't, there's no pressure for the girl to drink.
I'm also not at the, I'm not at the place in my life where I'm trying to take home a drunk girl, you know?
Which is a lot of work, huh?
It's work.
It's risky, I feel like, you know, it just, yeah, and it just, it's, I don't know, it's just not what I'm into, really.
I don't want some drunk person.
I remember one years and years ago, some drunk girl thought she was at a fucking mall or something, wandering around my apartment, picking up stuff, looking at the bottom of it for prices.
She's like, there's no prices on anything here.
Well, did she buy anything?
And I'm like, it's my fucking apartment.
You know what I'm saying?
I would have charged her.
She picked up something like $23.85.
But I'll give it to you for $24.
How about that?
I'll go up in price.
When I used to go on dates, I would just eat the full meal before they even ordered.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I ordered in advance.
I would eat it while they're looking through the menu.
Just to set the tone, you know?
It's like I get to eat, then you get to eat.
I'm ready to go.
I got to get out of here.
I eat dessert when they're getting their meal.
Dude, I used to only invite chicks to the movies when it was cold, and I would go in early so they had to get their own ticket.
Like you're warming up.
You're halfway through the popcorn.
That's genius.
Who's this dude?
And by say girls, I mean probably one girl.
One girl for girls.
Yeah, that's it.
That worked one time.
I think that guy who orders milk, just to go back to it quickly, should do it every time.
That's a great weeding out process.
The guy likes milk.
If she's not cool with that, she's not the one.
Yeah, exactly.
Imagine meeting the girl that goes, I'll take a milk too.
He's like, this is my wife, dude.
Oh, dude, that's a commercial.
Yeah, it's for milk.
Dairy Farmers of America.
If she liked milk, then you ought to like her.
Here's a beautiful guy.
It's Jacob from England.
Got one question for you.
Who would be the better father?
Theo, Andrew, or Barbie Lee, baby?
Gang, gang.
Gang, gang, gang.
Who would be the better father?
Is that what he said?
Yeah, the better father.
He says, father.
Father.
Who would be the better father?
Let me ask you a question.
Theo, who would be a better father?
I like the way they say stuff.
Who would be a better father?
It's like they're all allowed to have a lisp.
Who would be the better father?
You know what I mean?
That they get away with it.
If an English guy has a lisp, it sounds cooler for some reason.
Oh, yeah.
Like an American has, when he's backlisps, you're always like, oh, no.
Up here is stuff.
These are my favorites in here.
It's just part of this.
It's just something that we have to focus on.
Yeah.
I know a girl who dated a guy with four S's in his first and last name.
She's calling him that all the time.
Oh, suck my kids.
Oh, suck my kids.
Who would be the better father?
Oh, God.
Of us three, of me, you, and Bob, I don't know, man.
I think we'd all make decent fathers in our own right.
No, that's not true.
I think you and me would have a better shot.
We'd get a better shot.
Bobby would not be...
I think he would just.
He'd be a bad stepfather.
A terrible stepfather.
He'd be a good.
He'd be a good friend of your dad's.
Yeah, like a buddy, a hangout buddy.
You and I'd be great dad.
You'd be a great father, man.
You have so much whimsy.
I think kids need an adult who has whimsy.
Do you know what I mean?
There's a comic out of Philadelphia.
Chris O'Connor, he's hilarious.
He's so funny.
And he said that about somebody, a family member.
He goes, the dude lacks all whimsy.
And it made me laugh.
I was like, wow, that's such.
You need to have whimsy when you're a father figure.
Yeah, because kids, it can go anywhere.
Yeah, like, let them do it.
Dude, they're in the wind.
They're figuring it all out.
Yeah.
They don't even know what's going on.
Think about.
Dude, nobody remembers eight years old.
Who fucking knows?
I have no idea.
The stuff that you got into, whenever you watch, I was watching kids on the plane.
These two little boys were sitting next to us when we came back, and they were losing and having so much fun.
They were throwing M ⁇ Ms at each other.
And he was like, he's like, he's like, throw it in my mouth.
And he would on purpose throw it, hit him in the eye, and he would laugh.
And he's like, do it again.
He knew it was coming again.
It was great.
They made a bunch of little games with little M ⁇ Ms. And the man next to them wasn't enjoying it.
He had zero whimsy.
He didn't like it.
He didn't like it.
I said, he should have been like, throw, give me one.
You know what I mean?
He should have play along.
Ask for the throw.
Throw me the ball.
I always do that.
I have enough whimsy in me where I'm excited about a little person to, I want to hear what they're thinking about.
Whenever I say little, little people, I'm going to talk about like Brad Williams.
I'm talking about because I know what he's thinking about, little freak.
Threesomes and all of that.
Little freak.
He's into the dark arts, man.
He talks about it.
He really is, man.
He really.
No, I think about, I just want to know what's going through their little heads because they're filled with all sorts of weird, fun ideas.
The stuff that they come up with.
And they get their butt.
Dude, my nephew just got his butt out this time when I was at him.
He kept his butt, like the coolest thing he'd ever gotten.
It is, though.
Because he just found it.
He just found it.
Imagine how fun that is when you just found it.
Oh, dude.
Like, imagine if you just saw now that you had hands.
You know what I mean?
You're like, dude, look at these things.
Look at it.
You show it to everybody.
How old is your nephew?
One of them is seven and one of them.
Yeah, you got five.
You got two, right?
Six and four.
Yeah, I got two.
Wow.
I got two little nieces, and they're like, they're incredible.
We went to Harry Potter town with them.
Really?
They came out here?
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
Harry Potterland?
At Universal?
Yeah.
That's cool.
Bro, it's so fun.
I was like, this is going to be good for the girls.
I was loving it.
Yeah.
I had three butter beers.
I was living my life, dude.
I thought, for real, I was like, this will be, I was excited for the girls.
But then when I got there, I was excited for me.
Yeah.
It's so fun to live in that world.
You're like, this is what they experience all the time.
This kind of thought process is how they're living every day.
I wish we could have more of that.
Yeah, there's more possibility.
There's not as much judgment.
Yeah, the rules are less.
The rules are like, don't hit, don't be mean, enjoy.
But the rules are less.
There's more like openness to creativity.
And then adult world, there's almost none.
I mean, outside of what we do for a living, I'm saying in your regular life, you can't be that.
You're not allowed to kind of...
Yeah, well, people don't like you to stretch.
They want people in order.
Everybody likes order.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
They just want it to be very organized.
It's kind of fun when it, that's why Southwest Airlines makes me laugh when they're, you know.
Yeah, if you're going to Vegas or coming back from Vegas, they always do it right.
Yeah, they just figure it out.
Who lost all their mind?
They're yelling at you.
Yeah, I love that it's kind of chaotic.
They're wearing shorts.
The only airline that lets people wear short, they wear short, their own shirts.
You know what I mean?
I saw a dude with his own company name on his shirt, like his own brand.
Yeah.
That's crazy.
I was like, they don't really care.
Southwest really does it right.
Dude, and they're like, yeah, the flight doesn't seem like they'll fuck it.
They're not that hot, maybe, but they definitely seem like they'll fuck.
They'll probably will, yeah.
Yeah, they'll come home.
They'll give you a ride home if you ask.
Yeah, Fly doesn't jump my car the other week.
I was like, get out.
Let's go, man.
I need to jump.
He's like, I got you, baby.
What was that gentleman asking about, Nick?
He asked, he said, who?
Beautiful young fellow.
A better friend.
Oh, yeah, who your father for.
I think that's it, then.
I think we'd probably maybe tie somewhere in there.
Yeah, you'd be good at it, man.
We just know that Bobby'd be bad.
I think that's it.
He'd be so bad.
And he would admit it.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, he would leave it everywhere.
He would leave kids.
He's still a baby.
He's still gestating, dude.
He sleeps almost as much as a lot of those, you know, in utero babies.
Right.
Well, you know, because he's so round that he can lean on his side now.
He doesn't even need to go down.
He can just a couple inches to the left, and now he's sleeping.
It's incredible.
It's incredible to watch.
He's a remarkable little treat.
All right, you got another one?
Yeah, let's hit another one here.
We got a guy right here.
Oh.
Beautiful young man.
Theo, gang, gang, Andrew, I've got a question for you.
When's your next special?
I want to see something, man.
I got Amazon Prime just so I can watch your shit from like 27 years ago.
And I feel like a stalker at this point.
I've seen it like 10 times.
That's very cool.
I appreciate that.
I don't know, man.
That's funny.
That's funny because you and I have kind of talked about that.
And I want to really talk to you for real about that.
What are you going to do next?
Because you and I, for the past couple of years, have talked about the state of that and the state of comedy.
I don't know what I want to do next as far as a special goes.
I do want to put something out.
But I read this article that Jay Leno, maybe it was Hollywood Reporter or something, and they asked him why he doesn't do a special on Netflix.
They're like, oh, your friends are doing specials.
Like, why don't you do one?
And he was like, I really love live comedy.
I want people to come see me.
And he's like, I don't really care about putting something down forever.
Now, granted, that's not my opinion, but it struck a chord with me.
And I was like, me too, though.
I love live shows.
That's where you see it.
I just love live shows.
I want people to come see me when I come to their town so bad.
It's not that I don't want to put out a special, but I'm like, I don't know.
I think part of the beauty for me of stand-up is that we get to keep changing over time and molding.
And anybody who's seen me knows I try to do a lot of different stuff if I can, you know, and change it up.
I mean, I'm doing an hour now that's kind of a thing, but I don't know, man.
I just don't know what I want to do.
I mean, Netflix is...
I'm not really on that ship, you know?
I'm not really on that boat, you know?
No hate on them, but I don't think they...
Well, first of all, if you want to do a special, you have to get offered.
Yeah, yeah.
Then we have to get an offer from a place that also an offer that we agree to.
You're right.
That's the other thing.
You have to want to do it with them, and you have to be cool with the terms.
So that's the thing that people don't know, unless you do it on your own, which a lot of people are doing.
But my fear of putting one out on my own is I just don't.
I don't know, man.
You know, like Callan kind of went his own way, you know?
Schultz did his own thing.
There's a lot of guys doing their own thing, but for the most part right now, like I'm comfortable in this pocket of, I want people to come see me live.
Yeah, the beauty is live.
The beauty of it is live.
It never stands up when you see something, I don't think, on live, you know, or see it, whatever that's called, on tape.
But I appreciate that kind of love.
I mean, like you, I haven't asked you, we haven't talked in a long time about that.
What are you going to do?
I don't know.
I got, you know, I know there's some companies that have them, you know, platforms that have them that are going to come see me next week.
I got to show over at the Wiltern, so they're going to come see me.
Which you're going to murder.
What a venue, too.
The Wiltern's beautiful.
Yeah, I've never been.
I'm excited.
You've never been inside?
Uh-uh.
You're going to, bro, it's such a cool venue.
Really?
Gorgeous, man.
That was the first concert I ever saw, or the first band I saw in Los Angeles was at the Wiltern.
And it's stunning, man.
Dang.
They did such a beautiful job with that, man.
Something about those theaters that have history in them that have been around for a long time, they feel like they're.
Yeah, like they feel like they've got this energy trapped inside of it.
Oh, man, you're going to rip.
That's going to be so fucking cool.
Yeah, it should be.
Yeah.
So I'm excited.
I'm definitely excited about it.
I feel stoked.
Oh, there's a picture.
Oh, wow.
Look at how beautiful that is, bro.
Look at the ceiling of the Wiltern.
To me, it's one of the coolest venues I've seen.
Stunning.
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And now back to the episode.
I mean, the other one that was cool, Rogan took me to, where were we?
Detroit?
No, we were in Cleveland or Detroit.
One of those two.
Masonic?
It was so beautiful.
I don't know what it was, but good God, man, we took a bunch of photos of it.
It blew my mind how pretty the art was.
Yeah, like the texture of the ceiling, stuff like that is what really.
There's something about that, you know?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
There's something.
Well, it's more, it shows like, okay, this is.
Detroit.
Detroit, sorry.
This is the art that I'm doing.
Fillmore?
Is it?
Type that in.
You're so good with the names of these places.
I'm so happy to see you.
He might be doing bigger places.
No, no, that's it.
That's it.
That was it.
Unbelievable.
Yeah, it's beautiful.
I mean, the archways, I mean, everything about it.
Joe was stunned.
We kept taking a bunch of pictures because I had never seen something like that.
You know, like with him, we'd performed in arenas and arenas are the ugliest looking things on earth.
There's nothing sexy about an arena.
It's so funny.
The more that I've done with him, the more I'm like, man, this is sad.
It's just rafters.
It's just like, it's wonderful to do.
It's just when you go in a theater, you look at the art that it's involved on the inside.
Something about the experience.
Some romance.
It is, man.
It's beautiful.
So you're going to rip the wheel turn and they're going to come see you.
And then would you maybe put this hour you're doing right now out on a special?
Yeah.
And so maybe I would put something out.
It depends on what time slots they have available for like different platforms.
Like, you know, if they have something next year.
So then it's like, I don't want to hold material for like a whole year.
Yeah, people want you to put it out.
Yeah.
And at a certain point, I want to put it out.
You know, at a certain point, I'd like to just get it out there and get it out of me.
So then I would either, I don't know, I thought about maybe just making it and putting it onto a place to sell other than that, like other than Netflix.
So like iTunes or, you know, or I thought about just putting clips, just making it into the actual clip shows.
I just did that too, you know.
And putting it onto YouTube and then just also putting out an album with it, you know?
And then I still own it.
So that's the other side of it is also then you still have ownership of it.
Yeah, the business side is the thing that people don't really know about.
Well, we have to operate in that regard.
It's a lot more convoluted than just kind of like do it.
Do you know who John Baldassari is?
An artist, John Baldassari?
He did this thing where he just got kind of inundated with like his ideas of what he was making art-wise, and then he burned all of it.
He like burned all of his art to like start again.
And I had this kind of like in the middle of the night, half-lucid dream in and out where I thought it'd be wild for me to shoot something on my own, cheap and not cost a production company a lot of money.
Like, I'll pay for it and put it out for 24 hours for one day, and then it goes away forever.
Yeah, I thought about doing that.
I was like, that would be really fun and get all my friends to promote it.
So it's like, hey, man, you can only see it now.
Like, if you want to watch it, you have to watch it in this 24-hour span, and then it's gone.
That'd be gangster, yeah.
Yeah, I thought, I was like, that could be really cool.
And then I can retire in the material, and then it can kind of be this wonderful meta industry thing where it's like, if you saw it, you saw it.
And if you didn't, you did it.
And I don't know if I'm going to do it, but I keep having it.
It's refreshing feelings.
Yeah, it's not.
There's something gangster about being like, nah, I'm going to do it how I want to do it.
Yeah, because it's so much out there now.
And also taking it to see it live.
Also, there's a lot of beauty in that because it's like, oh, that's where you see it.
You see it live.
I want you to see it in the way that it's supposed to be seen.
Yeah, it's hard when you put it on tape.
Like I heard somebody told me Allie Wong just got, Netflix just gave her eight figures to do two more specials or like a special on something else.
And I was like, God, man, the growth of that thing is just, that is a big, big, big beast, you know?
So I'm like, maybe something alternative would be cool for me.
Just for me.
So maybe, but I don't know.
The Theo fans, let me know if that would be something you'd watch get in the 24-hour span.
Or some people might be like, that's so annoying.
I don't want to watch it that day.
I mean, it's super interesting.
It's different.
Yeah.
I keep having this dream about it.
It's like in the shower, I think about it all the time.
I'm like, people, you know, I can already hear agents and managers and lawyers like, why would you do that?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
That's how they think.
I know, but I just think it'd be fun.
Because they sell it.
That's where they make their money.
It's money.
Yeah.
But for us, it's like, I want to make money on live shows.
I want to engage with fans to come watch us do our thing.
And that's how I want to earn a living.
Not like I'm saying I don't want to earn a living from specials that live on, but there's something neat about it going away.
I don't know.
I don't know why.
I don't know.
There's something about it.
Well, I think it makes things – Yes, that's part of the reason.
But it's like, how do you be unique then?
Would it be unaccessible?
Yeah.
Or, you know, it's kind of like- Right.
Yeah, that's it.
Yeah.
But isn't that kind of the fun of it all?
It's like because we're so accessible, could it be cool to be the only way you can see him is to go see him?
You want to see his new stuff, you have to go see it.
Yeah, that'd be kind of fun.
Yeah, that'd be kind of fun to me.
But I don't want to say a joke that you do because I know that's a no-no.
But you did a joke last night that made me laugh so hard I walked outside.
I'm not kidding.
Oh, thanks, bro.
I lost my shit.
I had never heard you do it because it must be relatively new.
But it made me laugh so hard I walked outside.
I was in the hallway dying laughing.
I don't want to say it, but God, man, I wish I could.
It was so goddamn funny.
So I hope you're at the Wilton.
I hope that blows right, man.
I hope that blows up and all those people want to claw you.
And then you decide how you want to do it.
That's the thing the fans don't know.
We ultimately have to decide how and when and why you want to do it.
Yeah, and then you start to get tested by your own stuff.
Like, am I doing this for money?
Am I doing this for, you know, what am I doing this for?
And do I really like this stuff I'm putting out?
That's always a hard thing.
It's like, do I love this stuff or do I like this stuff?
Yeah.
Because then you get caught in that rat race of like, everyone's like, doing a special year, a special year, a special year, a special.
And then it's like, how much of that stuff do they enjoy?
Are you keeping up with the Joneses or are you putting out content that you really, really love?
That's like where it gets into this weird gray area of like comedy and business, you know, and doing that balance.
Yeah, I used to like better being just a comedian and not having to be busy, you know, and not having to do business.
You know, it's exhausting.
I'm going to give you a compliment real fast.
Me being very genuine now.
I've known you for quite a long time.
We've been friends for a long time.
And watching the growth of you as a stand-up and as a comedian, it's wild.
It makes you feel proud.
Proud is like a shitty word.
It makes it sound like a...
Because I remember watching you in the OR a couple years ago, maybe three, maybe four, three or four.
And I was watching you and I was thinking, when the world figures it out, when they get it, they're going to get it, get it.
I was like, when the world figures out how good you were, I was like, it's all going to take place.
And then to watch it happen was very cool.
So as a friend, it was cool to watch.
Thanks.
And I mean that.
It's a weird thing to see.
I don't think people, it's hard to describe.
It's almost like if for people at home, it's like if you knew an athlete when you were young that was so good and at your high school and you were like, this motherfucker's ridiculous.
And then you actually see them progress on to college or pro or whatever.
Yeah.
It's like everyone knows what you already know.
It's a cool feeling.
You know, it's like I saw the band first type of shit.
It's a cool feeling.
You know, there's something about it that's, that's, we only, it only happens so many times in our lives.
So anyway, that's all.
I want to say that to you because it's just...
I was thinking about that last night when we were hanging out and watching you because, you know, we get to be in the bed of it all.
It's so wild being at that club, Bert with his shirt off, drinking with strangers.
You did last night?
Oh, my God.
Last night at the club was ridiculous.
I was laughing so hard at Bert, dude.
And it was so funny because I hadn't expected.
Thank you for the nice words, man.
It's really nice to see.
I mean, a lot of it's just been because of the podcast.
A lot of people have, you know.
We finally get to connect.
That's what this is.
We finally, after all this time, get to connect because when you used to do Conan or the Tonight Show, they didn't know who you were.
So we would fist fight to get on the air and then those things never gave you an opportunity to be you.
You didn't get to be Theo.
Yeah, well, every time I would submit to a late show, they would say, oh, you can't do this joke.
You can't do this word.
You can't do it like this.
And it was like, oh, well, I'm not even...
I can't be.
I'm not a, you know, I'm myself.
I'm a comedian.
Yeah.
But I'm also a person.
And there's some difference between the two, but there's not a ton of difference a lot of times for me, you know?
No, you are a hyperbolized version of this thing that you've created, this wonderful comedian character.
It's like a microcosm of you, and it's a bigger picture of it all.
Well, I just took it personal when they said no.
And I shouldn't have taken it personal.
I've just said, oh, that's their business.
And maybe I didn't take it personal.
Maybe I just said that's their business.
I mean, I used to take it personal.
It hurts your feelings when they say no.
You're like, wait, I am good, though.
And they just don't.
There's just a missing, something's not connecting.
That's all.
But the thing about this, that you get to connect more on your own personal level then.
And you're like, fine, I'll just do it my way.
Yeah.
And it's been definitely, it's been an amazing adventure, man.
So many, just people that call in every week and have like sharing their own stories.
And it's been a journey, bro.
And it's been a journey going through just, you know, it's been highs and lows.
Like you said, man, it's been highs and lows.
It's going to continue to be that way.
Yeah.
Just like, you know, and, you know, just like on these, these, these interviews, sitting with friends and talking, it's like sometimes on a podcast, I connect so much more with people and sometimes you don't.
And it's hard because the fans now are so in it that even they are like, they're almost in it and on it with you at some point.
You know what I'm saying?
It's very, it's like so intertwined, which is a good thing, but it's just so strange to me now.
It's a thing I'm happy about.
Like I'm happy it's happening.
Well, you started your own podcast.
I mean, Whiskey Ginger's doing well.
Yeah, it's doing good.
People like it.
You have a lot of great guests, man.
I'm trying, man.
Yeah.
You got to get over there.
We got to get you.
People ask me all the time when I'm going to get you.
And it's really funny.
Sometimes people, when fans make up shit, it's weird.
When they're like, you guys don't like each other?
It's like, where does this come from?
This weird fake news that gets infiltrated into this thing.
Like these lies that they put in there that they didn't hear from us.
It's strange.
They're like, what do you not hate?
What do you stand?
You don't want to be yellow.
It's like, no.
We all are doing a million things, trying to create these worlds for people as much as we can so we can keep, you know, engaging in content and working.
And I just don't, I think people think that like, I think people think that we have more time than the average human.
Like there's more, there's a bigger clock for comedians.
It's like, how come you can't do all these things?
Like, it's impossible.
Yeah.
It's too hard.
And I don't want to show up and not be able to, like, there are times when I don't feel like myself or it's like I won't go on any, you know, I didn't go on a lot of podcasts.
I wasn't feeling like super like myself.
It's like, I want to go when I'm having fun.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, I want to go and bring the fun.
Yeah.
And I want to have a blast.
Like, I don't, it's like, that's sometimes, too, it's hard to keep doing a job of podcasting when if you're going through your own shit in your own life, because it's like, okay, you know, this isn't a, you know, it's hard to, you know, it's not like a self-pity thing, but it's just, you know, it's, it's a journey.
Yeah.
Well, I think, I think people don't know that it's a full-time job.
Rogan says that all the time.
He's always like, it's my, it's a job.
I have a job.
He's like, I have two jobs.
I have stand-up and I'm podcasting.
And it's like, oh, yeah, it is a job.
It's 100% a full-time job of like, you know, balancing these worlds.
It's not as mindless or kind of passe as people kind of think it is.
So it puts a lot of stress on you, too.
It's like a thing that kind of just adds this other comedic stress pressure.
Yeah, to listen.
You want to be engaging.
You want to know what's going on because it's not fun when you're not like into it.
You know, you're not just.
Yeah, I don't know.
What's the last one you did that you weren't into?
I don't know.
Nick might even know better.
Did you have a guest that wasn't into it?
Did you have someone over here that you didn't connect with?
No, I just have had guests where, you know, I've just learned over time to be, sometimes you're interviewing somebody and sometimes you're just talking.
Yeah.
And so I never really have known good how to be like a good interviewer.
You know, I mean, I don't think I'm bad at it, but I just, I don't have like a big plan, you know?
So when I listen back sometimes, I'm like, man, I wish I would have expressed my true feelings in a comfortable way to ask the questions I wanted to ask.
And so that started to get on my nerves sometimes.
Like, man, you know, like the Wolf of Wall Street guy, we had Amanda Knox in.
Like, I wanted to sometimes, man, why didn't you just ask this right here?
You know, you were feeling it.
What's the fear?
I think it's just a fear of like, I guess a fear of them judging me, a fear that they're going to think I'm trying to take advantage of them with curiosity, even though I'm just curious.
They came here.
Right.
That's how I look at it.
Yeah.
So and I think so some of it is like you have to, you know, I think now I realize some of it, okay, have a little bit more of a plan.
Like it's not like I'm trying to squeeze, you know, dirty juice out of this person, but have a plan.
Like, you know, this is kind of some things I want to talk about.
And even say them to them candidly, like, hey, here's a couple things I'd like to talk about.
Can we talk about these things?
For sure.
Just in case, yeah, if they don't want to do it.
So it's clean and clear.
Communication goes back to communication.
Because then I'll let it run in my head like, oh, man, you know, you're not doing, you got it tight.
You know.
So I think, yeah, probably clear communication is something that I'm going to work on or not work on that I'm doing, you know, that I'm feeling better about.
And sometimes just to have it be fun, you know, just to remember that it's comedy.
We're just fucking around.
Yeah, we don't fucking know, dude.
Yeah, we don't know.
What do we not know, Nick?
Nothing.
We don't know.
Amen, bro.
That's right.
That's right.
You don't know nothing.
You don't know nothing.
That's what I'm saying, bro.
You don't know nothing.
Dude, if the feds show up, Nick is your fucking dude, bro.
You'll hide anything.
You'll hide literally ask the question.
Nick, I need you to do this, right?
You're like, okay, I don't know nothing, man.
Cops that come, I don't know nothing.
I don't know.
And you know what's so funny?
He has a nice face, so they'll believe him.
That's what they said.
This dude.
That's what he said a minute ago.
That's how he got through church.
Just that nice face.
They're like, Nick, what happened?
He's like, I don't know nothing.
Nah, Nick's a good kid.
He's not people.
Dude, a lot of lesbian women are doing preachering now and stuff.
Oh, being pastors and stuff?
Really?
Wow.
You look that up, lesbian pastorship?
Yeah, the lesbian pastorship.
Is that a cruise?
That's a boat cruise?
A lesbian pastorship.
That's a boat full of lesbian pastors.
No, fuck.
That'd be fun, bro.
That would be fun.
Well, they have gay cruises.
Oh, dude, we had two gay librarians used to live across the street from us.
I used to do donuts in their yard.
What?
What, you spin out in your car?
Really?
Only because I had a U-turn right there because it was, otherwise I had to go down the street and do it.
I was just too lazy.
Too lazy.
Yeah, you just wanted to get out.
Yeah, they were awesome.
Two gay librarians.
Yeah, one of them was a librarian.
I think one of them wasn't working, but.
One of them worked in fiction.
Yeah.
Lesbian bishop.
What specific were you looking for?
Staff?
Gay lesbian women pastors or lesbian pastors happening more often, maybe?
LGBT clergy.
More often.
Lesbian pastors more often.
Married lesbian Baptist co-pastors, say, all of them.
They're all beloved.
They are.
If I have gay children.
Uh-oh.
I want to know what the rest of that is.
If I have gay children.
If you had a gay kid, if you had a gay kid, what's your instinct of how you'd feel about it?
You cool with that or you wish they were straight?
I think that there was probably something in a lot of men at a like at a guttural level where you want your lineage to go on.
So there could be like a concern there, like just at like a visceral, I don't know what visceral means, but like at a visceral, like core level.
Yeah.
You know, not like at a brain level.
Yeah.
At a brain level, I think instinctual level, you want the seed to be passed on.
Yeah.
So I think even if, you know, whether it's, so you want to have a boy who is going to want to procreate out of his wean, out of his penis.
But they can do that now.
Yeah.
And so now, yeah, so now I think it's gotten right.
So now I think that, yeah, once you realize that and read that article that that's available, then you wouldn't have any concerns.
Can I be real with you?
Yeah.
I don't have any care about carrying on the gene.
Really?
I just don't care.
Yeah, I just don't care for some reason.
I don't know why.
It never was in, like, not that I don't want to have a, not that I don't want to have a kid.
I'm saying it was never a concern if I had a boy so a boy could carry on a Santino name.
Just didn't care.
I didn't care at all for some reason.
I don't know.
I don't know why.
I was always like, it wouldn't ever matter to me if I had a dude or a chick.
I mean, I'd rather have a dude just because they're cheaper and less to deal with.
You know, you let them figure out life on their own.
You put it outside.
It'll come back when it needs to eat.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, men, it's a little bit more.
You could set them on the porch a little.
They'll figure it out.
And you don't have to worry about them, really.
I mean, there's not much to be concerned about.
With a woman, you want to protect and aid and you want them to feel comfortable all the time.
With a boy, you want them to feel uncomfortable.
For some reason, you're like, I want you to shake him up.
Yeah, I want you to put some fucking sand in his shirt when he's not looking.
Hit him a few times.
Pull a tooth out when he doesn't expect it.
Not even a loose one.
Just like a full-on in one.
I just think there's something about that, but I never really cared.
I don't know why that is.
I don't know why I never really had that.
Right, dick on his forehead.
Well, I see him draw a dick on him.
Every single night when he wakes up.
Mom, it's not me.
He goes to school with a dick.
Sharpie, by the way.
Yeah, Sharpie.
Permanent marker every day.
He's got to scrub it off.
Yeah, I remember whenever I was growing up, we had some kid named Scotty, and people, everybody drew like swastikas on his t-shirt and stuff.
Oh, that's so mean.
Before he got off at Aftercare one day.
But nobody knew what they'd meant.
They'd have seen it on pamphlets and stuff until then people fucking drew it to his shirt.
Scottikas?
Scottikas.
Then he washed the shirt and he still wore it for a while.
And you could just see.
Dude, the outline of the swastika.
So it was like an undercover anti-semite on a black light, you'd still see it.
Oh, definitely, dude.
That's how they get it.
Some of it might have been written in a little bit of seed, you know.
But yeah, I remember he wore it for a while, dude.
Poor kid.
But they didn't have any Jewish kids in the area.
It was just something people had seen on pamphlets.
You never grew up with any Jewish kids?
No, we had one kid later on when I found that was half Jewish.
And then my mother dated a Jewish guy, a half Jewish, half black gentleman for a while.
Half Jewish, half black.
Drake.
Yeah.
That's Drake.
I always saw Swastikas as a kid on garages, graffitied on garages, but they did them the wrong way.
Oh, yeah.
They always drew them wrong.
And so my instinct was like, I want to fix it, but I don't want to help the racism.
But it's just wrong.
I hated that they fucked it up.
But my first friend as a kid was a Jewish kid.
I didn't know what that was until I was much older.
Because he taught me what a dreidel was.
I just thought they were different Christians.
I just thought they were like another branch of Catholic or whatever.
I had no idea.
But dreidels and menorahs, I didn't know what any of that stuff meant.
It meant nothing.
His mother always smelled so good.
His name was Philip.
She was beautiful.
They lived in an apartment building.
We lived in an apartment building when I was a kid, and I would go to their apartment.
Their apartment was so much nicer than ours.
Like we had an apartment that you, that was just an apartment that you rented and you lived in.
They like did the wallpaper.
You know what I mean?
Like they had fires.
Did they own the building or no?
No, no, this was like a 40-story building.
This is downtown at Highrise.
But it just, they looked like they lived in it.
We looked like we were staying in one.
You know what I mean?
Oh, totally.
Our apartment looked like an apartment you stayed in.
Theirs looked like one they lived in.
It was just, it was really, it was always nice, beautiful.
Like the fixtures, I always remember like fixtures are really fancy.
Like the sink handles were nice.
And we had always the ball, you know, the ball handles.
You know what I mean?
That's just regular apartment shit.
But yeah, and I didn't know until I was older that he was Jewish.
And when I had learned what it was, I was like, oh, I guess that's what all that shit was.
I just thought they were like a, you know, there's so many forms of Christianity, you don't know any of them.
You know what I mean?
There's different levels to this.
And I just thought.
Baptist, Catholic.
I mean, there's a thousand.
Neapolitan, fucking snake boys.
Metropolitan.
Everything.
Yeah.
Margarita.
Basil.
There's so many different levels.
I don't know any of them.
There's milk and margarita Christians.
Yeah, yeah.
Shout out to Milk and Margarita.
What was that kid's name?
I like that guy.
Plants, I think.
I like that video question stuff.
That's so smart to get them to send in videos.
Yeah, we have a lot of great names.
We have one more.
Let's do one more.
Sounds good.
That was Beckett, by the way.
Gang, bro.
That's a great name.
Do you remember the Beckett card?
The Beckett card?
The Beckett card catalog when that thing came?
That was so dope.
Dude, see if you're Kim Murphy went up 10 cents?
48 cents more.
Definitely not trading it.
Yeah.
Mark.
You're not going to get it.
Andre Ware.
I had 11 Andre Ware rookie cards and 11 paying out.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's really sad.
Paying out.
Sean Kemp was the second most card I ever had besides Jordan.
I had Sean Kemp's.
I loved Sean Kemp.
That Don Russ card where he's coming off of a dunk, I think.
Oh, dude.
I know that picture.
Yeah, it's like silver around the edges, kind of.
Yeah.
I had so many Sean Kemp cards that at some point I was like, man, am I a Seattle fan?
Like, I didn't really realize.
I was such a fanatic about him for some time.
You can collect his sons now.
He has enough kids where he can get a whole pack of his sons.
36?
36. All 36. And two of them are hard to get for some reason.
I don't know why.
Those middle ones.
96 must have been tough for you, Seattle, Chicago.
I mean, I grew up with the greatest basketball player of all time, so it was really not even an argument, to be really honest.
Who are you wearing on the wall here?
Number five is John Paxton.
Oh, wow.
Johnny Paxton is one of the greatest three-point shooters for the Bulls have ever had.
Although he doesn't get enough love because Steve Kerr kind of gets all the shine because of now his lineage in basketball.
But Johnny P was incredible, man.
He was so good.
But yeah, I love that Johnny Paxton jersey, and I wore that to a game, and BJ Armstrong was here when we were playing the Lakers, and he made eye contact with me, and he went like this.
And I was like, I ran up to him, and I was like, I'm such a big fan.
And everybody around didn't know who he was.
People had no idea who BJ Armstrong was.
I was like, it was so strange to be with a guy that I thought was a legend.
And people didn't, I just young kids I don't think knew who that was.
I had the same BJ Armstrong experience at the gym.
I see him at the gym sometimes.
I used to work out at this Equinox and I would see him there.
And the first couple times I saw him, I'm like, how do I know this dude?
And if you're a white guy, you always want to know tall black dudes.
You just know right away.
Yeah, and you want to know him.
You're like, how do I know that?
They feel special.
Yeah.
Yeah.
They're like, oh, this guy has done special.
This guy does things I can't do.
And then at some point, I just remember like, holy shit, that's B.J. Armstrong.
Yeah.
He was so good, man.
So fun to watch.
Did you go say hi to him at the gym?
Yeah, I said hi to him.
And then after that, we would kind of just say, hey, or what was going on, chat briefly, you know.
But I think Iowa State was playing one time, and he was watching the game.
But, yeah, I would always chat a little bit about it.
Who was your first celebrity?
But always nice.
Michael Landon was supposed to come to our town when I was growing up.
He never made it?
Or there was a rumor that he wasn't.
He never made it.
The plane touched down and took off.
I don't know what happened.
Skirt and Ghost?
He was supposed to come to the fair, to the Parish Fair.
Who was the first celebrity?
That's a great question.
Maybe right when I got to LA, I was by that Andaz hotel right next to the comedy store, and Tracy Armstrong, Tracy, no, is he the comedian?
Tracy Morgan.
Tracy Morgan.
Was arguing with the police, and they're trying to arrest him for something.
And he goes, there's a fucking white man running around with a butcher knife and y'all here asking me questions right now.
Really?
He deflected everything to the fact that there was a white man.
There probably was.
Running down the street that had said something to him with a butcher knife.
And eventually the police left.
They didn't even go look for the guy.
No, Eventually, whatever he was doing, it didn't compare to this world that he built up of this supposed man with a butcher knife.
Y'all looking for the raw person?
There's a butcher knife wielding white boy running up and down sunset.
I love Tracy, man.
That motherfucker is hilarious.
He was your first celebrity that you saw?
He's the first celebrity that you saw.
You saw Tom Selick at the airport.
No.
Yeah, my dad was like, my dad literally out loud goes, Tom Selleck.
Calling his name out.
Tom Salek.
And Tom kind of turned and went like, hey, that's rude.
Don't yell out my fucking name.
I mean, my dad was like, Tom Selleck.
I was like, I know.
Yeah.
So it was very embarrassing.
Thanks for that shit.
But actually, the first one that I said hello to was the mom from the Wonder Years.
No way, really?
I loved her.
I got her autographed on a napkin in an ice cream shop.
My mother didn't even know who she was.
I was like, mom, that's the mom from the Wonder Years.
And she was like, I don't know who that is.
She had no idea.
And then she said, my son really is a fan of yours.
And she's, oh my God, that's so nice.
Cause she was from Chicago.
She was back home when they were in the middle of shooting that show.
And she was my TV mother.
I love the Wonder Years.
That was like one of my favorite shows.
Yeah.
And she signed a little napkin and I still have it to this day.
She was so nice and so sweet.
But she was like TV mom.
Yeah.
Because she was like a stay-at-home mom.
Oh, yeah.
She had all that.
Like my mom, I never had a stay-at-home mom.
She always had the stress of the mom on her a little bit, but like the love of the husband.
Like, I want to do my best, but I got to kind of be here by the sink.
Those TV families were so right.
Something about them, man.
And it made us all look up to those families, man.
Dude, I had lunch with Fred Savage recently.
Breakfast with Fred Savage.
Yeah.
Yeah, I met him.
He directed this thing that I did one time, and he's the voice of Honda.
If you ever hear a Honda commercial, he is the voice of Honda.
Oh, that's amazing.
Yeah, really neat guy.
Yeah, he's a good dude.
Good dude.
Very tiny, though.
He's smaller than I thought.
He never grew up after that show.
That show stunted his growth.
Wow, would you do?
Yeah.
All right, let's see that.
I want to see this video.
I want to see that dude.
I skipped him.
That was my bad.
I got into the questioning.
This dude.
Had a quick question here from Mr. Santino.
That was cool.
How did you and Lil Dickie become tight?
It's a pretty cool guy to know right now.
Guy with a lot of influence and really big name.
Just thought it was interesting y'all were tight and wondered how that came about.
Thanks a lot.
Appreciate it.
Gang, gang.
Oh, I like that high note at the end.
Yeah, I like this dude.
He's like me if my mom met a black guy.
That's like me if I was half black for real.
He's also, he's such a podcast fan.
He's got on Rogan in the background.
With Dan Soder, maybe or something?
No, I couldn't tell who it was.
It kept going by so fast I couldn't see.
No, I don't know who that is.
I don't know who that is.
I can't tell.
But yeah, shout out thanks to this dude.
No, yeah, I'm doing a show with Little Dickie.
People don't know who that is.
He's a funny rapper.
He's got a show that we're doing on FX that comes out in March.
That's how we met.
We met because we're doing the TV show together.
And he's a funny dude, man.
He wants to do comedy more than rap.
But he doesn't want to do stand-up.
But he wants to do comedic television.
So are we doing a live show?
No, we did a scripted show.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
For FX, you said?
And it's me and him and a few other actors, but a ton of rappers are on it.
YG is on it.
Trippy Red Future.
There's a bunch of people that make appearances.
It's cool.
I mean, I hope it's going to be good.
You never know what TV show is.
It's so weird, man.
You should do more TV shows.
I might maybe next year.
You really should, man.
How'd you meet him, though?
When I read for the show, we met when I read for the show.
His name's Dave.
And he was like, do you want to read these lines or do you just want to just fuck around?
Because I think they had shown him me and he had either seen me or whatever.
And then, yeah, we just fucked around the whole time, man.
We just made up a fake scene scenario.
And we just had a great time.
And it was just, it's good.
He wants it to be kind of like a rapper's version of Curb.
Like to do the hip-hop version of Curb.
How did it feel when you were on set?
I mean, did it feel like a good show?
Yeah, it was funny.
I just, I never know with TV.
You know what I mean?
Like TV, you never know what you're making.
You know what I mean?
And there's also so much scrutiny in television that I try to just make it, do my best, and I distance myself from it.
Yeah.
Because I don't, the negativity and the hate and people that talk shit about projects that you make, I just don't want to deal with it.
I don't like it.
Like, I want to, I make it and I push it away.
Like, I usually never watch anything I do.
It's too hard for me.
I don't like it because then I'll get really critical over what I made and then I'll start to agree with the hate.
Do you know what I mean?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
People say something negative, I'll go, yeah, that is right.
I hate that too.
It's like, I don't need to do that to myself.
Like, there's no need to drown myself in the thing that I heard someone else be negative about.
I don't need that shit.
Yeah, we don't need it, man.
Yeah, it just doesn't help.
It doesn't help, you know?
Yeah, if you hate me, don't watch me.
Don't talk to me.
Don't like me.
I don't care.
If you don't like me, you don't think I'm funny or whatever.
You don't like my shit.
I don't fucking care.
Don't watch my shit.
I don't need you to tell me.
Just do something else.
Yeah, just do something else, bro.
I just don't need it anymore.
So, yeah, I hope it's good.
I wish for the best for the show, and I put it out and we put some good work into it.
It sounds like you don't think it's going to be good.
That's what it sounds like.
I'm just not good at that.
I'm not good at pretending like I know.
Do you know what I mean?
Yeah.
Because every time I see you something.
I respect that, though.
At least you're not fucking...
Watch this shit.
And you're like, that's fucking dog shit.
Yeah, because I don't want to sell a lie.
Like, is it good?
I think so.
I haven't seen it.
That's the other thing is like.
What's it called?
When will we see it?
It's March 14th, I think.
It's coming out in March on FX.
And right now it's called Dave.
That's his first name, Dave.
But they don't know if they're going to call it that yet.
But it's great.
Jeff Schaefer is the EP of it.
He's the guy who did the league.
Oh, yeah.
A bunch of our homies.
And he did Curb this year.
Jeff directed Curb Your Enthusiasm, which I got to do an episode of.
That was bananas.
I got an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm coming out.
Dang.
Me and Larry David.
And JB Smooth.
JB is so funny.
The funniest.
Like, too funny.
Like, to a degree where you're like, this is unfair, how funny he is.
In a scene, he was knockout.
He wasn't even supposed to be in it.
He just kind of like, they inserted him in because he showed up.
And me and him were just fucking with Larry.
And he loved it.
He was eating it up.
Yeah.
it was just supposed to be me and Larry getting in this argument.
And JB was like, he just poked in in the middle of the scene.
I think they had been like, go fuck around.
Because we had gotten what we needed.
And he came in and it changed the whole scene.
It was so funny.
Oh, he's so funny, man.
Yeah.
So that was.
So, yeah, hopefully, you know, hopefully the Little Dickie show is a well-received thing.
I don't know with TV, because I was being honest with you, like they make you promote the show.
Right, right.
That's a good point, too.
So you do want to promote what's yours, what you've been a part of.
So I hope it's good, and I haven't seen it.
That's what people also don't know.
It's like when you shoot shit, I don't fucking know.
I'm not sitting in the edit bay.
I don't know what it's going to turn out to be.
And a lot of times you get scrutiny over things and you're like, that's not what it was when I did it.
You know what I mean?
It's like, I don't know what it turned, what it's going to end up being.
It's got to go through this Willy Wonka machine of like, you know what I mean?
Oh, yeah, that's a great point.
So I hope so.
But yeah, you got to do these press tours.
And when you do those things, half the time you do them, and they make you feel like you're supposed to be like a cheerleader.
It's like, I don't want to be like, it's the greatest thing I've ever done.
I mean, let me tell you something, Jimmy.
Like, I don't want to do that.
Like, I don't want to go on Jimmy Kimmel and play this hype card.
It's hard to do because it's just like, I don't know.
No disrespect to people that do it.
Some people are very good at that.
But like, I can't, I couldn't, I can't.
I can't do it.
Like, I like it.
I hope it's good.
That's all I can do.
Like, I'm dying up here with the same thing.
And also, you don't have so much control over it.
Like, you do your line, you do your scenes, you do your part.
Yeah.
The only person that has to really be concerned with that stuff is Dave because it's his, he wrote the show.
It's his show.
You know what I mean?
Like, yeah.
I mean, if props to him, you know what I mean?
Like, he put in a lot of work on, he cares a lot about the project.
And I do too, but I have much, much less influence and control.
I'm a great puzzle piece in the grand scheme.
So we'll see.
What we really need to do is, like, you and me, Bobby, Cal, and a bunch of us goofballs, we need to, we joked about making a movie or a TV show.
We really should, man.
We would have so much fun.
Then it'd be no rules.
Well, everybody always says it.
Nobody does it.
But it's like, how do we do it?
We'd have to find what was tangible.
Like, we have to find the thing that we can hold on to that we could really make something good out of.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
It can't just be Bert showing his titties every scene.
Although it is funny to have him just walk into the scene, show his titties, and then get out.
Yeah, I thought wrestling, I thought if we were all like this shitty wrestling league.
That I liked.
That I liked, but I think you get pushback from people that don't like wrestling.
That becomes like the whole.
Fuck them, bro.
If they can't let us pretend that we're wrestlers, that's what I'm saying.
Yeah.
Well, I don't care.
Have some whimsy, man.
Have some fucking whimsy.
Isn't that, that's going to be the phrase of the day.
Now, man.
Andrew Santino, thank you so much.
Thank you.
Yeah, good luck on the new tour, man.
Thank you.
The Red Rocket Tour?
Red Rocket Tour.
People, I'm doing 21 cities.
Go to AndrewSantino.com and check all that out.
And hopefully I'm coming close to you.
I'm trying my best to get to as many cities as I can.
Yeah, man.
Congrats on all your hard work and all your success this year.
I know it's been a big year for you.
And I hope it keeps going, man.
Trying.
Thank you, baby.
You too.
Now I'm just folding on the breeze.
And I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
I must be cornerstone.
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.
I can feel it in my bones.
But it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking break and let myself all mine shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my story, I will stay here just for you.
Thank you.
And I will move away to advance on the runaway.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
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You have three new voice messages.
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John Main.
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