Subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts http://bit.ly/ThisPastWeekend_ Theo records from his hotel room in Cleveland while on the last leg of the Dark Arts Tour. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Music "Drunk Outdoors" - North Mississippi Allstars http://bit.ly/DrunkOutdoors_NorthMississippiAllstars ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New Merch https://theovonstore.com ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This episode is brought to you by ZipRecruiter https://ZipRecruiter.com/TPW Blue Chew Visit https://BlueChew.com and use promo code THEO ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hit the Hotline 985-664-9503 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Find Theo Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiEKV_MOhwZ7OEcgFyLKilw ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Producer Nick https://instagram.com/realnickdavis ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Patreon Gunt Squad Name Aaron Rasche Adam White Alaskan Rock Vodka Alex Hitchins Alex Person Alex Petralia Alex Wang Alexa harvey Andrew Valish Angelo Raygun Annmarie Reilly Anthony Holcombe Ashley Konicki Audrey Hodge Ayako Akiyama Ben Deignan Ben in thar.. Benjamin Streit Bobby Hogan Brandon Woolsey Christina Peters Christopher Becking Claire Tinkler Cody Anderson Cody Cummings Cody Kenyon Cody Marsh Crystal Dan Draper Dan Perdue Danielle Fitzgerald Danny Crook David Christopher David Witkowski Dentist the menace Diana Morton Dionne Enoch Doug C Dusty Baker Eric Tobey Felicity Black Gillian Neale Ginger Levesque Grant Stonex Greg Salazar Gunt Squad Gary J Garcia Jamaica Taylor James Briscoe James Hunter James Schneider Jameson Flood Jayme Sta Jeffrey Lusero Jeremy Siddens Jeremy Weiner Joakim Joaquin Rodriguez Joe Dunn Joel Henson Joey Piemonte John Kutch Johnathan Jensen Jon Blowers Jon Ross Jordan Josh Cowger Josh Nemeyer Joy Hammonds Justin Doerr Justin L justin marcoux Kennedy Kenton call Kevin Best Kirk Cahill kristen rogers Kyle Baker Lacey Ann Lawrence Abinosa Lea Rashka Leighton Fields Luke Bennett Madeline Matthews Mandy Picke'l Marisa Bruno Matt Nichols Meaghan Lewis Mike Mikocic Mike Nucci Mike Poe Mona McCune Nick Roma Noah Bissell NYCWendy1 OK Qie Jenkins Ranger Rick Robyn Tatu Ryan Hawkins Sagar Jha Sarah Anderson Sean Scott Secka Kauz Shane Pacheco Stephen Trottier Suzanne O'Reilly Theo Wren Thomas Adair Tim Greener Timothy Eyerman Todd Ekkebus Tom Cook Tom Kostya Tugzy Mills Vanessa Amaya Victor I tuck back and sit down to pee Johnson II Vince Gonsalves Vlog Master William Reid Peters Yvonne Zeke HarrisSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
And two people fighting over a thing of um it looks like a thing of uh like one of those f uh flame logs, a fire flame, you know, one of those dura logs.
Yep, it looked like two hardy, hardy, hardy lesbians out there fighting over a damn dural log in the street and somebody revving their car at the same time.
I'm in Cleveland, man.
I'm at the hotel.
I'm back from Maui.
Yeah.
Yeah.
*crying*
If you hear that, that's just that calm that's inside of me.
Hey, I'm back from that Maui.
Wow.
You hear?
Oh, hell yeah, boy.
Somebody just, somebody, you heard it?
Somebody won that log.
Somebody got the fire all themselves.
Mahalo, Aloha, Kenichiwa, Bahalo, Madagascar.
I'm back.
I'm that back-a-lantern, baby.
Put that candle in me because I'm lit.
Let's get into it.
There's a song that I just found out from a band called North Mississippi All-Stars.
And they've tuned into this past weekend.
And they have a lyric from the podcast that they put into their music.
And so I want to play one of their songs right now.
It's called Drunk Outdoors off their new album, Up and Rolling.
And this is the North Mississippi All-Stars.
Baby, we're better than the floor.
Let's go get drunk at doors Now we're cooking with gas on the button.
Hot wing gas fishing down on the corner.
Cooking with gas on the burb.
Cooking with gas.
I'm in the trunk out the trunk.
Come on.
Let's go get drunk outdoors.
Let's cook the drunk outdoors.
If you got money, you can get a little bit.
If you've got money, get that hit up.
If you got money, you can get a little bit.
If you've got money, get that hit up.
Get that hit up.
You guys got to check the tune out and they really get into it, man.
And that band right there, that is North Mississippi All-Stars.
And that's a new album they got out there that's in the out in the out in the in the universe, in the atmosphere.
And you can go and check it out.
And that is a song.
And I hit the man up, Cody Dickinson, on his Instagrams, and I said, hey, is this true that you guys heard this on the podcast?
And he said, yeah, man, we love it.
And so it just really, I mean, it just made my balls growl a little.
You know that.
Yeah, I'm back.
I'm back from Maui.
Oh, I had a good time.
Look, if you don't know, if you're, you know, maybe 40% sure or something, if you're going to heaven, because I think most people are, if they're really honest with themselves, they come in at probably about 40%, you know?
So if you're about 40% sure that you're going to heaven, then you could go to Maui.
And Maui's like kind of, I mean, it's, dude, there are times I closed my eyes and I said, dang, man, if people, this place is going to give heaven a run for its money.
It just, I mean, it's romantic.
You could be by yourself and it feels romantic.
Dude, I felt like every time the breeze came by, it was trying to just, you know, just trying to get me back to its room.
It was just that kind of spirit.
There was just something, you know, and the water will come.
You'll be laying there taking a nap and you think you slept, you're laying far enough from the water.
And about, you know, maybe 18 or 30, you know, 30 or 60, 50, kind of 40 minutes later, that water will start licking at your fucking feet.
You say, dang, what's up, bucko?
So it's, you know, everything there is trying to, you get home, you have some of the beach will be in your pants, some sand.
You're like, what is it?
Who is it?
What is it?
And you're like, I hope this is, you know, some female sand.
I don't want no, you know, male sand trying to get in my pants.
But you take your pants off and a bunch of sand will jump out of your pants.
You say, well, damn.
So just Mother Nature, that's where she really goes to just get on.
I mean, Maui just wants to love you.
And it really just wants to love you.
And I stay, I noticed after a bit that the ocean will start doing your hair for you.
Yeah.
Dude, I had, at one point, I had like a little thing of algae right above one of my ears.
You know, you got a little conch over there on the left.
It's just like, you know, I look like kind of like, you got like a little seahorse kind of just hanging off that backsplash.
I mean, I look like, you know, like a conchque sha, you know, just out there with just the ocean and everything will do your hair for you.
But I had a wonderful time, man.
If you haven't been to Maui, I totally recommend it.
And they say there's different islands, and I want to go back there and do a show soon.
And I want to go to some of the different islands over there.
And the people just, people, a lot of people, I did think this, I felt like there could be, even though It's very wonderful.
It definitely seems like a place where some people that might have done a crime would go to hide.
It's got that kind of crimy, hide-y sort of vibe, you know.
But, but oh, it was so good, man.
I just took a week and relaxed, and then I got back into town and just decided to take last Sunday off of the pod.
And yeah, I just wanted to have a little bit of, you know, just have a little respite, they call it.
Get a relax in and just get that feeling in my body.
You know, sometimes your body feels like it has like kind of a little bit of more comfort in it.
So I was trying to get, you know, a touch more of that comfort for myself.
What else?
And now I'm in Cleveland.
I'm in Cleveland and they got a couple of, they got some hardy, they got some hardy humans out here.
Cleveland, Pittsburgh over there.
He had a show last night in Pittsburgh and who came out?
People I know.
My boy Weak Steve came out.
And I've known him for years, dude.
And Steve, bro, he'll be shaking your hand.
You don't even know it.
That's how weak he is, bro.
It's baffling.
This girl Dizzy came.
She's always, people think she's dizzy, but she isn't.
So she's got that.
People are always like, you dizzy?
She said, no, no, no, no, no.
You know, she's always, you know, kind of dusted out.
She's like one of those little dust Muppets, you know, and she's always, you know, she never really been, she don't have a comfortable relationship with gravity.
That's kind of how I feel it.
Because most of us, you know, we're gravity addicts.
If you find, you know, most of us, you think, you know, you say, hey, what are you doing?
You're doing, I mean, we don't talk about it, but everybody's doing gravity.
Everybody.
But this dude, Dizzy, she gets out there and she ain't really doing it as much as everybody else.
So she's, you know, kind of living, she's kind of like that, she's kind of like a Native American when it comes to really force fields and stuff.
You know, she's kind of doing her own thing.
She's kind of working freelance when it comes to natural pull, the natural pull of the world.
What else?
What else is, I feel like so, I want to tell you more about Maui.
I'll probably wait till I get back into the studio.
I guess what did I do?
I went there.
Oh, let me tell you this.
You go to Mama's Fish House and they got, it's in Maui and it's nice.
You get there, you're like, oh, it's too nice.
You know, it's real.
It's kind of, it looks fancy.
Dude, right when I got there, I thought to myself, I want to steal something.
I'm going to go.
That's how nice it was.
That's my initial reaction.
But instead, sit down, relax.
Even if you're by yourself, get your little non-alcoholic beer.
You feel me?
Get one of the crab cakes.
I got the crab cake.
That's it.
Get one crab cake, unbutton your pants.
Welcome to Palestine, son.
Shit is fundamentally good.
It was definitely one of the best meals I ever had, and I was by myself, too.
And yeah, when I'm by myself at a restaurant, you almost start to freak out a little because you start wondering if people think you're like in witness protection or if you're, you know, people kind of look at you like maybe your spouse just passed away or something.
They give you that, you know, they maybe give you a little extra bread or something, half an extra little, you know, baked, you know, little croissant piece or something because they think maybe your wife's gone.
She, you know, they think something, or you know, you they think maybe you don't know what you're doing with your life.
It is interesting if you go to a restaurant by yourself, people kind of look at you like, oh, maybe he, you know, you know, maybe he's still trying to do skateboarding or something, but, but he's too old for it.
Oh, one of the things that got me at the restaurant was the guy trying to upsell me on soup.
Look, I don't need it.
Don't the guy, you know, he's like, oh, they got omegas in the soup.
Dude, I don't give a damn if Voltron lives in that bitch, dude.
I don't care.
If I want the soup, I'm getting the soup.
You know, he said it's got a rare carrot base.
What the hell is that, buddy?
That's nothing.
Dude, I don't care, bro.
I don't care if you open my mouth and just drag me through Mr. McGregor's garden.
If I want vegetables, I want vegetables.
Just don't upsell me on it.
You know, he tells me, oh, we sprinkle the top of it with secrets.
Bitch, don't care.
If I want the soup, I'll get the soup.
You know, I don't like being upsold with trickery words.
You know, oh, this, you know, the Harry Cover was blessed by a cleft palate wizard.
I don't give a dang, bud.
Do not upsell me with the BS.
Just give me the facts.
What is it?
Is it soup?
And if I want it, I'll get it.
Yeah, and that was it.
I went to Pittsburgh last night.
Went to Bethlehem out there.
This dude came out.
One of my boys from back in the day came out.
He's three months clean off duster.
Y'all know duster.
You know, the keyboard, you know, kind of helps you keep your keyboard nice.
So he's got three months clean off that duster.
So that was, you know, it was kind of nice to, you know, just embrace him.
And we would always do that sound, that in his ear all the time, you know, just to freaking, you know, get him squirreling a little.
Just to let his branches shake a little.
But we had a good time in Bethlehem.
I hadn't been on stage in a couple weeks.
And it's kind of like it kind of gets a little nerve.
I guess is it Nerve-wracking, yeah, it gets because you've built up this immunity, kind of you know, the more that I'll be on stage, the more immunity I will feel a little bit, or at least just the more confidence builds up until you're just, you know, it's like you've been training almost.
And then you take a couple weeks off the train and train and yeah, it was, and it's nice, man.
And it was really, really relaxing.
And Bethlehem was great.
The show in Bethlehem was really, you know, it just, I guess I'm just amazed how many people come out, you know, and especially since I, you know, changed the dates and then changed them back.
I just want to thank you guys for coming out and supporting me.
And just so many nice people.
I mean, everybody was just really enjoying themselves.
I met a lot of people before the show.
We did meet and greet after the show.
And everybody that wanted to come.
So we had a good group.
And I think a lot of people left, but a lot of people stayed.
And yeah, it was just, you know, it was nice.
It was nice because sometimes it's like, you know, with this job, you feel like, okay, well, and I guess since it's kind of new for me, it's like, okay, well, you know, if I go to the club, are people going to be, you know, if I take a break or take, you know, like a, take a little break or take some time off, are people still going to be there?
And it was nice to see that people were.
In Pittsburgh, they had some dude was blasted in Pittsburgh.
I don't even think he was on drinking.
I think this guy was on something thicker.
Like maybe, you know, maybe a friend of his had been doing a lot of smack or something or, you know, doing, I don't even know, something.
And then he was drinking that guy's blood.
You know, like maybe his buddy was damn drinking damn quick creed or something or drywall.
And he, uh, and then he was drinking that guy's blood who was doing this.
This guy was bent out.
So I hope he's doing a little bit better.
It was a rock club, the place we were at.
The place is called the Roxian Theater.
And it was cool, man.
They said they never had, this was the first comedy show that they'd ever had there.
So that was a new experience for them.
And it's in this place called McKees Rocks.
And they said it's an area for human trafficking.
But I didn't see anything like that.
I didn't, I mean, the only thing on the menu was even, I think, beer and wine.
So I didn't have any, you know, there was nothing to me that really, I didn't see, I was just doing comedy, but everybody in the crowd looked of age and, you know, not being kind of purchased or anything.
So that was that.
And then came to Cleveland early, went to the Steelers game.
Man, that was, it blew me away how amazing the experience was.
I mean, it's just people.
I mean, they got some real, they got men and women with the same damn haircut.
You know?
You know what I'm saying?
They got men and women with the same haircut.
Every other person, they kind of have that wild old school kind of Pittsburgh yinzer.
That I think that's that.
I think that's that.
I'm joining.
Yeah, we don't even.
and bang bang.
Yeah.
You'll see, dude, I went behind a trailer.
They had one dude was injecting a slice of Supreme Pizza into his arm.
So dang, bro.
My bad, man.
He was fucking.
That guy was getting bent out.
And it's, yeah, everybody was friendly.
I mean, the atmosphere was amazing.
You go into the game, everybody has this towel.
And it's kind of like one of those little towels.
If a baby spits up, that you're going to have like a towel for it, you know?
And at first, I didn't know.
I thought, I'm like, dang, everybody here has a baby, I guess.
And they, you know, or what's going on?
But it turns out that it's called the terrible towel.
And it's just, I guess, if something real terrible happens and you have like a, you have a towel, which actually really is helpful, you know, because you got to take care of yourself.
I mean, a lot of things could happen over there in Pittsburgh.
Everybody knows I got pink eye over there, you know, back in the day.
And I got a pretty strong case of pink eye.
I was in the Monongahela, actually, and I got a little bit of, you know, somebody, got a little bit of dine time and my uptine, you know, somebody, you know, they had, you know, I don't know what was in the river, feet, you know, I guess feces or whatever.
But anyway, it was, but then also in the same city on my next visit, I got a, uh, got a blowjob behind a giant eagle, grocer.
So, you know, six and one, half dozen the other.
You know, just when you think life ain't going to turn around, you know, it does a damn U-turn.
So that's how life is, bro.
You know, that's how life is, I guess.
I don't know.
I don't have any idea what I'm talking about.
And then we came, yeah, now we're here in Cleveland.
So we hear to Cleveland.
Ari Manis is with me.
Oh, I saw Brendan.
I stopped over and saw Brendan Schaub the other night.
He was at the Pittsburgh Improv.
Snuck over there and welcomed him onto stage.
That was pretty fun.
Good to see him always.
And this week I'm coming to some different places.
I'll tell you a few show dates at the moment.
I'll be in Cleveland this Tuesday.
There's still a few tickets left.
And then the rest of this week I'll be in Indianapolis, Detroit, Grand Rapids, Milwaukee, and Madison.
Yep, that's it.
And maybe one other place, actually.
Let me look right now.
Also, December 10th, I'll be at the Wiltern in Los Angeles.
You can go see that.
That's downtown in Los Angeles.
Oh, one thing that was cool in Bethlehem, all the different, the backstage, they had posters of all the groups that had played on the stage.
And they had, I mean, guns and roses, man.
They had, you know, who else?
You know, Twisted Sister, man.
Acid Bath, you know, Reba McIntyres.
You know, Georgia, Florida line.
They had everybody.
There wasn't one, Florida, Georgia line.
There wasn't one, everybody had come through there.
Dale, Neil Haggard, what's that guy?
Merle Haggard.
And he's dead, man.
So you got to think just the, just, it was just amazing to be there.
I'm like, jeepers, you know, to get to have that experience.
And so just thank you for everybody that came out.
I know I'm kind of all over the place, but I'm just settling back in.
You know, I'm just settling back in.
And it was nice to get a little bit of a break because just to kind of get a little look at what was going on.
You know, just to kind of get a little look at what has been going on in my own career and in my own personal life and everything.
You know, and I was thinking about like, dude, ever since I was young, I like to have like secrets kind of.
I like to keep things, some things to myself.
You know, I like to just keep or always had like a, maybe not even a secret, but like a little treasure or something.
You know, when I was a kid, I used to collect, you know, different snacks and stuff like that.
Like my mom wouldn't let us have a lot of sugars and different stuff.
And so they, so I would collect a lot of different sugar treats, you know, different snacks, different, you know, Snicker, Kit Kat, baby Snicker, everything.
Different thing, butterfinger, different thing, you know, just a little sack of sugar.
Somebody spilled some sugar somewhere, I'd get that.
You know, a chocolate, a white chocolate, something like that, a cookie, a rare macaroon or something, you know, an Italian cookie.
And I would put them a raisins even.
Sometimes I would soak raisins in chocolate milk and just so they would have that kind of flavor in them and that sweet sweetness.
And I used to bury them outside, right?
I'd put them all into like a little sack because my mom wouldn't let me keep them in the house.
If my mother found them, there was gone.
The snacks were gone.
And so I used to keep them outside off to the side of the house.
And I had me a little, you know, digging area.
And I would just dig real lightly, get that sack out, and sugar up.
But sometimes I would go out there at nighttime.
And you know what nighttime is?
It's when it's, you know, it's when you can't see that much, but you kind of know everything is around, kind of, but aren't as sure as you were a few hours earlier.
And the, um, and so I'd have to wait till a car went by on our street because I had to wait till that car went by and the headlights, I could see the snacks and I could see the area to dig.
And I would dig real quick and, you know, have me a sugar snack or have me a nighttime, you know, a soup, you know, a sweet treat.
And I never told anybody, I never told anybody till right now, actually, except for this one boy named Wayne.
And he was big, man.
He's a big boy.
And some people called him Fat Wayne.
And I probably did once or twice, but I don't think I did it.
I would never say it to him.
I would just sometimes say it, oh, do you know?
And then I would say it, you know.
But anyway, he would come over.
He saw me out there getting them one night.
And so he would come over sometimes.
He would steal his dad's car.
He would get it over and put the headlights on and turn them right on the grass on the area.
And that way, the lights were right there.
You had full lighting.
Because otherwise, you had to wait till a car went past.
And some cars don't have that bright of lights on them.
So you sometimes would wait till you were lucky if you had an SUV or something or somebody driving by with like a real, real bright lantern or something.
And then you could see the snacks real well and quickly.
But sometimes Wayne would pull his dad's car over.
And when I say pull, he would put it in a neutral and he'd push that bitch over.
And that was, when I was growing up, that was like kind of an early way of kind of driving a little bit is just getting that thing in a neutral and just pushing that bitch around the neighborhood.
You know, you tell a girl, you say, hey, look, I'm going to come meet you around 8, around 8.15, 8.20, 8.19.
And then you get in the car.
Once your folks went to sleep or went in their room, you get in there and put that car in a neutral and then push that bastard down to your girl's house.
Or if you was secretly in love with a young man or something, you could push it to his house.
But most often you'd see somebody pushing it over to a female's house.
And you pull up in the yard and then you try to get in real quiet because you didn't want her knowing you didn't drive there.
You wanted to trick her so you would park and then go get her.
Say, hey, what's going on?
Yeah, just drove down.
Meanwhile, you're just covered in sweat.
You know, I mean, you just pushed a 1991 Oldsmobile or a Ford Taurus.
You just pushed that thing about eight blocks.
And you usually had a little bit of an erection, too, if he was going to see a girl you were interested in or even a young man if you were interested in something like that, but you didn't see a lot of that.
And that should be a contest or an Olympic sport.
I think I've said that before, that, you know, doing sports with an erection because your brain is going to have less Blood to function in your body, and muscles are going to have less blood if some of your, you know, some of your wiener is kind of bogarting a little bit of that B positive, you feel me, or O negative, or whatever you got, whatever electrons you got in your flow, you feel me?
Praise God, man.
What else is going on?
Um, I don't know.
I feel like a ton and then I feel like nothing.
That's kind of what I feel like.
If you like sex, then you'll love bluechew.com.
Blue Chew offers men a performance enhancement for the bedroom.
A lot of time you see a guy, they get a bed that's one of those vibratin beds.
You know, you put a quarter and a machine at the end, and the bed starts vibrating, you know.
Get the wife active.
But at bluechew.com, you can get the first chewable wiener inhibitor.
It has the same active ingredients as Viagra and silas.
The chewables from Blue Chew can be taken on a full or empty stomach.
Dang, can you imagine?
You can run your dick on an empty stomach.
And that is the power of BlueChew.com.
It ships directly to your door in discrete packaging.
No more of that bright yellow or pink packaging saying, hey, they got wiener helpers in here.
The chewables from BlueChew.com are prescribed online by a doctor and made in the USA.
And here's a great deal for you TPW listeners.
Visit bluechew.com and get your first order free when you use promo code Theo.
Just pay $5 shipping.
That's B-L-U-E-C-H-E-W.com and use promo code Theo.
Get that Wiener hitter.
Hiring can be a slow process.
You know, sometimes, remember back in the old days, you would write up, put a little note on a log or something, or ink up a vestibule or something, you know?
Write a note in blood or something on the wall.
Hey, I need help.
I need someone to do dishwashing or someone to do filing or someone to help process this court case.
But that's different now.
That's different.
People are finding jobs and filling jobs through ZipRecruiter.
ZipRecruiter doesn't depend on candidates finding you.
It finds them for you.
So ZipRecruiter is that Hunter.
What if you do a hound dog and you say, hey, go get me something.
Get me a cut of ham.
ZipRecruiter is that hound.
ZipRecruiter's technology identifies people with the right experience and invites them to apply to your job so you get qualified candidates fast.
That's how Dylan Mischkowitz hired his new director of coffee for his organic coffee company because he was having trouble finding qualified applicants.
With results like that, it's no wonder four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day.
That's amazing.
So you can see why ZipRecruiter is effective for businesses of all sizes.
Try ZipRecruiter for free at our web address, ziprecruiter.com slash TPW.
ZipRecruiter.com slash TPW.
ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire.
And now back to your episode.
The date for New Jersey and the date for Maryland, Oxen Hill, the MGM Grand, those are both being rescheduled.
And you should get a date here through the email shortly.
And just thank you, everybody, for just supporting me while I just, you know, kind of cancel the dates and then put them back on.
You know, it's just, there's been a lot going on in my brain.
And, you know, sometimes I don't know what I'm doing, you know, when it comes to like a big picture sense.
And I'm just trying my best.
And, you know, sometimes it's okay.
And sometimes it's, well, it's always okay.
But just thanks for supporting me while I figure it off.
You know, while I just learn as I go.
And that reminds me just to do that with other people as well.
So I'm glad that I have that reminder.
Let's take another, a couple of calls that came in because, you know, we got this episode right here on the road.
We got it set up.
Pretty Ari Manis came in and really helped me set up.
Really helped me set up.
Got Jocko Willink coming in to do an episode.
So I'm grateful that that man is going to come in.
And, oh, I got to tell you this.
So I was just thinking that Jocko is kind of, you know, he's like an older brother figure.
But for me, a lot of people can be real father figures for me.
You know, I notice that I have such a desperation for that energy and that connection in my life that, you know, I will latch on to people or put them in a place where without even realizing it that I have a, that I give, that I take, you know, kind of father figure-like type of stuff off of them.
And Jocko is like that, Jocko Willink.
And he, oh, this is what I was thinking of.
So I saw my dad in a dream when I was in Hawaii or in Maui.
Sorry.
When I was in Maui.
And it was really crazy because I hadn't seen him in 20 years.
Even in a vision.
You know, when I had an adult vision.
And I saw him.
You know, and I saw him, and it was crazy.
We were at a...
It was a dream, you know.
And Robert De Niro was there, and Matthew McConaughey was there.
And we were in Maui.
And my dad was in one room eating at a table.
And Matthew McConaughey and Robert De Niro were in another room.
And my dad wanted to come and meet Matthew McConaughey, but he didn't want to meet Robert De Niro.
And so I was trying to like mediate between the two of them.
And finally, my dad and Matthew McConaughey got to meet each other, which doesn't mean anything, but it was just interesting to see my father.
I hadn't seen him.
You know, I'd seen him in pictures and I'd seen him in just, you know, imaginating what, or imagination, what his, what he looked like or something, but I hadn't seen him really.
And it made me think that my dad lives in Hawaii or something, you know, like I was like, oh, is this where he's been?
And it made me think, well, of course this is where he's been.
This is where I would be.
It is stunning.
Paia, that's where I went to, P-A-I-A.
And I stayed out at this place called Lumeria, and they don't have, I don't even, there were some moments I don't know if they even had, it's very peaceful.
And beautiful little staff that works there.
And there were some moments, I didn't know if people were there working or staying or anything.
There was a day where I didn't see anyone, anybody.
And it's, you know, it's comfortable.
I mean, they don't have, what don't they have?
They don't have, they didn't have air conditioning in the rooms.
But I knew that going into it, and I wanted kind of more of a, I guess, bohemian experience.
But they have fans, and you can get like a portable one brought in, which I finally did on the fourth day.
But yeah, I got to see my dad, man.
I got to see him.
It was.
It was, I just didn't know.
I didn't know that he's been in Hawaii or been in, you know, that he's been there.
And he was healthy.
He was healthier looking than I'd ever seen him in my whole life when I actually saw him.
That's what's wild.
He was kind of thicker.
He'd been eating.
And his hair was darker.
And he was laughing, man.
He was laughing.
And he was kind of being cool, trying to a little bit play it cool or be cool, I guess.
I don't know.
I mean, he lives in that world, in the subconscious or in dream world.
So, you know, I have no idea what his life is like there.
He may drive a Corvette.
I don't know.
I didn't see the parking lot or anything like that.
I just saw, you know, just him.
And man, right when I got up, I've just been on this kick where I've just been trying to stay more motivated.
And like when I get, when it's time to get up, it's time to get up.
And I need to do things.
And, you know, I just want my life to be, I want to have more experiences in my life.
You know, recently I've just been realizing like I do a lot of stuff, but it's a lot of the same things.
And I'm not really having a lot of like new experiences.
And so I want to have a little bit more of that.
But man, I wish I'd have just laid back down and tried to go right back and see him, you know, wherever he was.
But it's just so funny.
I mean, I've slept in, you know, in the past 20 years, I've probably fallen asleep in, you know, 42 states and, you know, 15 or 20 or 30 countries, you know, I don't know, countries.
And not once did I see my father.
And then, bam, I'm in Maui and there he is.
Maybe he's over there.
Maybe he, you know, with Dog the Bounty Hunter, dude.
But it was quite an experience.
And Aloha and mahalo.
Those are things I learned.
And one time there was somebody vomiting behind a truck and I thought they were doing saying mahalo, but it was a woman, you know, had a little bit too much fermented fruit.
You feel me?
She had a little too much nap in her pineapple, dog, and she was vomiting over there behind a little Isuzu truck, rare truck.
You don't see those as much as you used to anymore.
And I'll tell you this, over there on Interstate 12 or I-10, I saw a Doberman, full-grown Doberman commit suicide, jump right out of the back of a Chevrolet truck, I believe it was, or something, or maybe diehatsu, just jump right onto the interstate at 60, 70 miles an hour.
So, you know, you just don't know what people, anybody's going through sometimes.
It's that kind of world.
So we just got to take care of each other.
The hotline, I got a couple calls that came in as always, the number 985-664-9503.
And let's get some of these hitters right here, gang.
Oh, man, I'm so excited for this week.
We got just so many fun places to do shows.
Let's check a call.
Hey, Theo, fucking GPS, shut up.
Hey, Theo, it's Colin from Harrisburg.
We went and saw you last night.
What's up, Colin from Harrisburg?
Thank you for calling.
Beautiful state.
I mean, driving, we drove five hours the day.
We did the Pittsburgh show that day.
And man, it's just beautiful.
You know, we saw a couple Amish, and we tried to go, you know, we didn't want to get too close to them because it was like around lunchtime or whatever.
But we saw a couple and we tried to, you know, we like pretended we weren't taking, like, getting them in the back of our pictures and stuff.
But yeah, beautiful state.
The trees are just starting to change color.
And I mean, it just, this is when Mother Nature really shows that work, you know.
This is when Mother Nature really bounces that ass a little, if you will.
Sorry to get kind of urban right there.
Let's hear more.
Thank you for calling, Colin.
Hey, I called, said that I was taking my wife with me and she'd never seen you before.
And she ended up loving it.
So I think we got a new fan.
What do you think, honey?
Yeah.
I love that.
Yeah, you have fun last night.
She spit her, you got her to spit her sprite out.
Oh, yeah.
Look, where I grew up over there on McGee Street in Covington, Louisiana, bruh, if a girl spits sprite onto you, dude, y'all probably going to end up touching each other, dude.
You know what I'm saying?
That's sexual right there.
If somebody spits sprite on you, bruh, so you feel that splash, but also you can still get it out of your clothing.
It's not one of those, you know, caramel-colored beverages, you know, a Coke or a Pepsi or a tab.
You, dude, that's four play.
That's five play, baby.
Seeing that sprite just splash off your hard skin, dog.
Come in.
So y'all better make a baby, bro.
You feel me, dude?
Bring that baby back next year.
Let's hear a little more.
Right, man.
That was a great show.
It was, you know, really good to see you, man.
I hope to see you again soon.
All right, man.
Take care.
Gang.
Gang, bruh.
Gang, bruh.
Well, good.
I'm glad you and your lady came out.
We had a guy that came out and brought his brother out over there yesterday in Pittsburgh.
It was pretty nice to see him and his brother came out.
These two, they look kind of Irish, but something also, I don't know if they were or not.
But they had a father-son that came out over there in Bethlehem.
They had a mother-daughter came.
One of them gave me this really nice little booklet of like positive affirmations and stuff.
A lot of good people.
So I'm glad you and your girl enjoyed it.
And I hope you gave her that hitter, daddy.
You feel me, son?
Because we got to procreate.
We got to get out there and make them pop, baby.
And do that.
And do sex, you know, if you love each other.
And if you guys are already living in the same house, you might as well cross paths with your crotch, brother.
Let's take another call that came in here.
As always, the hotline is 985-664-9503.
What's up, Theodore?
What's up, brother?
Thank you for hitting it up, gang.
My name's Zach.
Big Jack.
It's your time of year, too, with them Jack-o-Lanterns that you might as well knock one of your teeth out.
You know, and really just and live the life.
And, you know, paint your head orange and knock one of your own damn teeth out.
And eat a light.
You know, eat a little 30 watt or something and live hard this month.
Onward?
I'm driving right now in a car.
I've been in a car for about three hours now, three and a half hours now.
Oh, damn, you might be in a high-speed chase, bro.
You better look behind you and see if there's activity, you know, see if there's a little bit of, you know, a couple of Dodge diplomats and some gunplay.
Let's hear more, brother.
Moss?
I'm driving because I'm going to ask my girlfriend's father if I can marry her, and I'm not 100% sure if he's going to say yes.
Oh, yeah.
Wow.
Hmm.
Well, I'll shut up.
Let's hear more from you, man.
So my question to you is, you know, how do I confront him about that?
How do I navigate this conversation?
If he does tell me no, what do I do, you know?
But I just want to put that out there for you because you are a wise young man.
So, yeah, just let me know.
Just give me a call back if you can.
Well, I'll tell you, I'll let you know right now what I think about it is if you're asking somebody's dad to marry you, first of all, it's nice of you to do because that's an old school tradition.
You know, there was a time back in the day where people, you know, if you didn't really like, you know, if you, you know, your girl, if your girl, if your wife got out of line, they went missing.
This is 300 years ago or 70 years ago probably.
But there was a time where men probably weren't treating women as good.
And so I think you getting over there and asking him, I think it's a pro move.
If he says no, bro, I think you got to probably move on.
Because you don't want to be, I wouldn't want to be at odds.
Then your girl's going to become this middleman between you and the dad.
Or if he says no, I would take some boxing gloves over there.
Because I bet any man that gets to punch his son-in-law a couple times, I bet at some point they beat the, they beat them into somebody that they could love.
So you got some choices, boy.
And I'm glad you have at least somebody, at least you have somebody to drive across town and check.
You know, I could drive across town right now down there to New Orleans.
You know, a girl I used to date and her dad would be like, what the fuck?
We haven't seen you in 15 years.
So that would be, you know, and they over there, they used to do the snow cone makers.
So, you know, at least you, that would be a funny show if a guy just pulled up over at like a hay.
If a guy just pulled up over, walked up to an older guy on the street and was like, sir, I just want to ask you for your daughter's hand in marriage.
I think it wouldn't be a bad movie.
It would be easier than approaching a female a lot of times, because a lot of times approaching a female can make a man nervous.
But if you got to approach that male and say, hey, Bucco, you know, hey, Jim, you could even just guess his name.
You know, four out of probably 22 times is going to be Jim.
Hey, Jim, you don't know me, but I've been seeing your daughter.
And, you know, I love her.
You know, she's the apples of my eyes, and she, you know, she chips in on my rent, and I love her.
We bought a super NES together, and things are looking up.
So I think that there's a that would be a great little kind of fun little show just to see.
Because then if the dad just, even if he kind of agrees and likes you, then you could probably get to meet the daughter and at least have a chance maybe with her.
So that way you're kind of working backwards.
But if you're choosing to work forwards the old-fashioned way, I say if y'all are going to live in the same city and he says no, then I think you got to, you might want to look into somebody else.
But if he says yes, man, then get into it, man.
Y'all do a barbecue.
Get matching aprons.
You know what I'm saying?
Go full throttle.
Do matching shirts and then buy a little dog that looks like just you and the father-in-law.
You know, live your best life, brother.
You can do it.
What else, man?
Let me get this other call that came in right here.
The hotline, as always, is 985-664-9503.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo.
This is Tate from Atlanta.
What up, Tate?
Thanks for calling in, brother.
I appreciate it.
First off, sorry, I found an extra white today.
I'm a little stuffy.
I'm getting over a cold.
So maybe don't stand too close to the phone because I don't want to get you sick, bruh.
But anyways, I went and saw that new Jerker movie last night.
Oh, yeah.
I think I'm going to go see it tomorrow, actually.
And I love face pain anyway.
Let's hear more.
It was pretty good, but I know all the news outlets and all were reporting that people might want to be aware that these incels might be there, those movie premieres inciting violence and all that.
And I was like, well, what's an incel?
So I looked it up and it's involuntary celibates.
It's this like internet group of dudes who can't get any action and take it out on women because they think that it's their problem somehow.
And I was just wondering, what are your thoughts on that?
That's just kind of weird to me.
I think it's a weird culture we live in and the internet forums and all that can breed some really weird monster people, you know?
So, yeah, anyway, appreciate it.
Love what you're doing.
Oh, thanks, man.
Thank you for gang, gang.
Stay safe out there, man.
Gang, bro.
I'll stay safe, too.
And it is Halloween month, so it's that time of year where somebody will, you know, dress up like a giraffe and hit you with a hatchet or something, you know, for no reason and just say they were looking for candy or whatever, and they'll get off scot-free because of these attorneys and all this shit.
But yeah, they're in cellulars.
I don't do it.
You know, I think there's a lot of soft batch people out there.
Now, there's a lot of guys that struggle.
You know, if you struggle to meet women and struggle to, you know, converse with women and struggle to form relationships, that's one thing.
But if you find that you have a real anger towards women, you know, that's something else you got to deal with.
You can't be dressing, you know, you can't be dressing up like Christopher Robbins or whatever and, you know, throwing, you know, throwing wooden swords and shit at like local bitches in your area.
That's, you know, that's not the kind of, that's no way to, you know, it's almost, we're heading into the holidays.
I mean, Jesus.
So I don't, and also the news, I don't believe anything the news says.
I really don't.
Man, I don't believe ever since, remember when they said that about the election before they had the presidential election, they're like, oh, Hillary's going to win this much and all the, all the polls they had done.
And then they were just wrong.
They were just wrong about everything.
And at that point, I realized, oh, the news, it used to be like facts, and now it's just people guessing shit with cameras.
So I think the movie's going to be fine.
I think the news is just trying to scare people.
You know, I think there's some guys out there, but they're tightening up.
That's what I think.
And things are looking up.
Have a little bit of red meat, maybe, or have some strong broccoli.
You know, do something.
Eat a half a thing, you know, drink half a thing of fucking Elmer's.
You know, do something, tighten up and feel strong.
I think there's a lot of young men that are feeling stronger than ever.
You know, it's like the news is always saying, oh, there's racism and this and that.
Bro, when I was in Pittsburgh for the game today, I saw so much like non-racism, probably more than I've ever seen.
And I was like, oh, yeah, once again, everything's going fine.
Now, I don't think it's a bad idea to stay strapped if you need to these days wherever you're going.
You know, if they have a legal law where you can carry a weapon, I don't think you need to be alarming people like my cousin Jamie, and he would, you know, he popped out from behind the computer, you know, the computer desk with two guns on him, and he was in his underpants.
And so he, Jesus Christ, dude, and he has a deviated septum.
And I had to listen to him snore for probably, oh, I can't even tell you.
It sounded like a couple of whales trying to meet each other and, you know, on like a very distant beach.
But I don't even know what I'm talking about, man.
But I'll say this, bro.
You got to take care of yourself, dude.
Tighten up and keep tightening up.
That's what you can do.
That's what you can do.
And look, have a plan.
If you do have, don't be the jack off that's sitting in the movie with no plan.
You know, go in there, have a little bit of a plan.
No matter what, have an escape plan, you know.
If you're going in with your girl, you know, wear hard, you know, do Something have a little shield or something.
Do something.
Just have a little plan.
But I think overall that things are everything's going to be okay.
I don't think things are getting that squirrely.
But then also, if they have people that are in cells, dude, I don't know.
I guess we'll beat them somehow.
You know, we will defeat them when it all goes down.
That's what I'm hoping.
And I'm going to go see the movie tomorrow.
And I'm going to get some damn milk does or whatever, dude, or some jujubies and chill.
And I think a lot of these incellular fellas are a lot of them probably are men that feel, you know, they don't, they feel so probably anger towards women.
You know, there's been, there was a movement, and I don't know if it's still as heavy as it was, but where a lot of women were just being mean towards men.
You know, just being mean, you know, and they were kind of using the guise of feminism, but really just being just mean.
And a lot of times it's like lonely women and writing these articles about how bad men are and they're just lonely.
Why not just write an article that says, hey, you know what?
Man, sometimes I'm lonely.
Dude, everybody could really relate to that article.
But just being a real B-I-T-C-H with a pen, because you are lonesome sometimes, that's not super helpful, miss.
You know, and so I think a lot of these men that are attacking women, sometimes they feel they feel attacked probably.
And I'm not saying it's right, you know, you're not supposed to hit a woman.
But also a lot of women these days, they're not, these aren't the same women from 50 years ago when a woman, you know, was do, they didn't have gymnasiums and they didn't have, you know, women weren't doing a lot of, you know, strength training and, you know, throwing axes and all of this or throwing, you know, big lead, you know, pushing sled lead.
And now you have, it's, dude, they got, dude, a buddy of mine, his wife hit him with a car.
So he can't hit her one, he can't punch her in the shoulder one time?
So what is the rule then?
What is going on there?
You know?
I mean, his wife hit him with a damn little saber, not the sword of Buick.
So what you can't, he can't tie, you know, he can't rattle one off one time or put her in a, you know, a rear naked choke for 30 seconds.
There got to be some rules sometimes.
But I don't just think for sheer anger, you can just be attacking women out in the street.
That's not going to help anything.
So, but this makes me think about pornography, man.
I've been struggling with the dark arts, brother.
I'll be honest with you.
You know, about three months ago, I have this blocker on my phone that keeps pornography off, and it somehow it updated or didn't update.
And next thing you know, man, the whole just, I mean, Satan's just, it's just like Satan's belly button opened up.
It was like he was a pinata and his belly button just opened up and just started spilling dirty candies all over me.
So I've been struggling with a little bit of that.
And I turned on some blockers they have on the iPhone that are like innate blockers built into the system, you know, natural blockers that Apple has.
But I want to get that full throttle and get back to the thing that I had going on before.
But just to chime in, I'm not an in-cell, I don't think, but, you know, I'm kind of an in and out cell.
Like I'm in and then I'm out.
I'm out and then I'm in.
Sometimes I feel, you know, like I'm okay.
Sometimes I feel like I'm not.
I think I'm just cellular.
That's what I am.
I'm not in cellular.
I'm not out cellular, really.
I'm just cellular.
We all are.
You know, that's the building blocks of us.
That's what they said.
Or that's atoms, maybe.
What else do we have?
I mean, we got more.
You know, everything's going pretty smooth.
People are always like, well, when are you going to shoot a special?
I'm going to shoot one.
I don't know when.
You know, I want to take the show to the people first and take it to whoever will come and see it first.
And I still got to get over there in Europe.
All those shows are in January.
So that's going to be really amazing right after Christmas.
Get over there while it's still cold and just see what it's like to see like cold Europeans, you know?
Because a lot of times when you think about Europeans, you think about them being warm or being like in a warm area, you know, or wearing like kind of a summer kind of outfit.
But this will be a different experience.
So really keen on having that.
And yeah, just happy to be in Cleveland.
You know, I'm happy to be in Cleveland and I'm happy to be on the road and just and getting these shows out there to everybody, getting to go to Indianapolis and Grand Rapids, places where I see like, you know, I see Chris DeLeah.
He travels to these places and I'm like, man, I want to be there.
And now I get to be there.
And gang, gang, man.
It's so, you know what I'm saying?
Let's get it.
Let's really, really get it.
All right.
I'll see you guys this week.
What else?
They got new merch online.
We got the show with the Wilturn coming up December 10th in Los Angeles.
That'll be on sale coming soon.
Some really neat guests.
I think they're going to be coming up on the podcast.
I'm spacing them out now to give myself a little bit more downtime.
And I'm learning as I go, man.
Yeah, we got this call that came in actually about those shows.
Onward.
Hey, what's up, Theo?
This is Astis from London on Terminal Camp.
Istis, huh?
Whew.
Just one letter from being a murderous regime, my brother, a regime.
Onward.
Canada.
Giving you that Canadian hitter.
Oh, from Canada, gang, brother.
Onward, bro.
Gang.
Hope you're doing well, man.
Just calling in to say that next weekend, my brother and I, I'm taking my brother out for an early birthday, early 30th birthday weekend to the Dirty City to seize down in Detroit to fill more to both big fans.
So, Philip Stokes, man, we're going to spend some time in Detroit, little Cano, maybe have a few adult beverages.
Gang, bro, I like it.
And I got a, I think my boy Damn Longneck DLN will be out there in Detroit, too.
So if we can get his long ass out and about, you know?
And he's beautiful, man.
You could travel with him.
You could put his ass in a violin case.
And that's how he is, boy.
You know, he's got that clarinet, bro.
You could put him right in that beautiful musical case.
And so I'm happy that my man will be out there.
Let's go out on the same song that brought us in, man.
What just a crazy week to know that, you know, we're just on here.
And then North Mississippi All-Stars.
My best friend has been listening to this band for probably 12 years or something.
And just to find out that they, you know, that they threw one of our lyrics or one of our lyrics into their songs or just that they were even thinking about us.
You know, that's pretty cool, man.
So thank you guys for your patience.
And be good to yourself.
You know, I know you deserve it.
And let's go get it, man.
Let's go get it.
You know, let's stay motivated and let's keep it moving, you know?
And let's get that hitter.
Come on.
with North Mississippi All-Stars and Up and Rolling off their new album, This Drunk Outdoors.
This Drunk Outdoors Let's go get drunk outdoors.
Let's go get drunk outdoors.
If you got money, you can get a little bigger.
If you got money, get that hitter.
If you got money, you can get a little bigger.
If you got money, get that hitter Get that hitter.
1811 Pico Boulevard on the way to the beach.
Get that era.
Get that head up.
Get that head up.
Ten toes down to song and ride.
Down at the club on the county line.
Ten toes down to ride.
My band drunk out the trunk.
Let's go get drunk outdoors.
Everything I'm dirty and fun.
Let's go get drunk outdoors.
Everything I'm dirting and fun.
Let's go get drunk outdoors.
Let's go get drunk outdoors Come on Mmm
Get that head out Get that head out Hey, that's wild, bro Get that head out Get that head out I want to thank my man Ari Manis for helping me out here on the road and being a part of making this happen, this episode tonight.
We, you know, had to set the lamps up in the room.
And, you know, never ceases to amaze me how, you know, how he's always part of the solution.
No matter what the problem is.
Constantly reminded.
You guys be good to yourselves, man.
You deserve it.
And we'll see each other next week.
All right, gang.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sweetheart.
Easy to.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Charmaine.
Hi, I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
Oh, no!
Whoa!
I think Tom Hanks just buttiled me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is.
Tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is.
Tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule.
Like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
