Subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts http://bit.ly/ThisPastWeekend_ Theo talks about his shows at the Hollywood Improv and hanging with Damn Long Neck, reminisces about musical chairs, and takes some voicemails. This episode is brought to you by ShipStation https://shipstation.com Use code THEO for 60 days free Check out my buddy Matt’s game “Streets of Rogue” https://streetsofrogue.com/ Hit the Hotline 985-664-9503 Music Intro “Shine” - Bishop Gunn http://bit.ly/Shine_BishopGunn Outro “Makin’ It” - Bishop Gunn http://bit.ly/MakinIt_BishopGunn Find Theo Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiEKV_MOhwZ7OEcgFyLKilw Producer Nick https://instagram.com/realnickdavis Gunt Squad www.patreon.com/theovon Name Aaron Rasche Adam White Alaskan Rock Vodka Alex Hitchins Alex Person Alex Petralia Alexa harvey Andrew Valish Angelo Raygun Annmarie Reilly Anthony Holcombe Ashley Konicki Audrey Hodge Ayako Akiyama Bad Boi Benny Ben Deignan Ben in thar.. Benjamin Herron Benjamin Streit Bobby Hogan Brad Moody Brandon Kirkman Carla Huffman Charles Herbst Christian Coyne Christina Peters Claire Tinkler Cody Cummings Cody Kenyon Cody Marsh Crystal Dakota Montano Dan Draper Dan Perdue Danielle Fitzgerald Danny Crook David Christopher David Smith Diana Morton Dionne Enoch Donald blackwell Doug C Dusty Baker Fast Eddie Faye Dvorchak Felicity Black Gillian Neale Ginger Levesque Grant Stonex Greg Salazar Gunt Squad Gary J Garcia J.P. Jacob Rice Jamaica Taylor James Briscoe James Hunter Jameson Flood Jeffrey Lusero Jenna Sunde Jeremy Siddens Jeremy Weiner Jim Floyd Joaquin Rodriguez Joe Dunn Joel Henson Joey Piemonte John Kutch Johnathan Jensen Jon Blowers Jon Ross Jordan R Josh Cowger Josh Nemeyer Joy Hammonds Justin Doerr Justin L justin marcoux Kennedy Kenton call Kevin Best Kirk Cahill kristen rogers Kyle Baker Lacey Ann Laszlo Csekey Lauren Williams Lawrence Abinosa Leighton Fields Luke Bennett Mandy Picke'l Mariah Marisa Bruno Meaghan Lewis Meghan LaCasse Mike Mikocic Mike Nucci Mona McCune Nick Roma Nick Rosing Nikolas Koob Noah Bissell OK Qie Jenkins Ranger Rick Robyn Tatu Ryan Hawkins Ryan Walsh Sagar J Sarah Anderson Scoot B. Sean Scott Secka Kauz Shane Pacheco Shannon potts Shona MacArthur Stephen Selph Stephen Trottier Suzanne O'Reilly Theo Wren Thomas Adair Tim Greener Timothy Eyerman Todd Ekkebus Tom Cook Tom Kostya Travis Simpson Tugzy Mills Tyler Harrington (TJ) Victor Montano Victor S Johnson II Vince Gonsalves William Reid Peters Yvonne Zeke HarrisSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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You know it and this weekend I um and I ate a whole sack of uh them toll house morsels and man they and they I don't know if you ever seen them they got that yellow sack they got that uh that amarillo I think is how you say it in in uh in Spanish they got that amarillo bolsa that yellow sack of them little chocolate you
know little nuggets look like I mean they look like almost like a little duty or something like a like a real little bitty bear maybe a bear that's you know about four inches tall came and did a little duty somewhere and that's the uh them Nestle Nestle I believe toll house morsels and they are good and look you have here's the thing the sack of them the the way they built the sack if you open it
a bunch kind of spill out so I don't know it's kind of like I don't want to say it's like that movie you know Amastod or anything but it's kind of you know you know they got too many in the bag kind of thing you know and so you know next thing you know they got a couple of those little sweet chocolate morsels just you know maybe you put a couple in your hand or but then it's you know some spill on the counter next thing you know you've had 10 11 19 and
I probably had I don't even really want to be honest with myself about it I probably had 240 of them probably two you know so that's I mean I guess that's kind of where I'm at right now you know but let's get into it I'm
just sitting on your front porch wondering how could I be so far from my home and my mind is somewhere else but when I find it I'll patch up where it's been thrown now I'm just falling on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be cornerstone
Oh, but when I reach that ground
I'll share this piece of my life I can feel it in my bones them clampies baby come on let's go we can do it for me to snap that pocket thank
you uh hey what's up that is shine by bishop gunner and they are a band out of natchez uh louisiana or mississippi sorry and it's so close you can't even tell which one you're in i mean you could uh if you had really long legs you could be in in mississippi and louisiana at the same time you're gonna have to probably be at least about i would guess probably about eight feet tall because
you're gonna have to really you can you just need a little bit of room you got to make sure you're in each one uh because you got a pod out at the bottom sort of thank you uh for joining me today say um good to see you i hope you have are doing well i hope you are doing well and that uh that is shine by bishop gunner i am what's going on what's going on with me i guess it's summertime that's what i'm realizing you
know and it's summer and this is the kind of time of year i remember when at summertime you go to the pool you might see a little uh if you're around that age when you really when you got really purbid it kind of starts kind of whispering in your ear because perbity is uh if you're going through purbity perbity is a real ghost you know it's
it's invisible to you for years you were you're a child and you don't you don't see nothing when you're real young a titty could roll across the street you don't care you know a whole a battleship full of wieners could just you know capsize right out front of your house if you're a young lady you don't care you're like oh what is all it is what are all of these you know these weird you know these weird little kind of arms you know that
don't have bodies and it hooked to them because you because that because that that that puberty ghost hadn't started really whispering to you and then when you hit about 13 or 14 that ghost just he kind of just you playing video games and suddenly you hear something in your ear like what you think
about something and they'll try to pretend like they're still a ghost but really they just it's just uh puberty coming at you so but that's what time it is man it's summertime it's summertime and the kids i bet the kids it's the you're inside i know the kids are inside it's
starting to get a little touchy fee I bet.
It's starting to get a little bit intense.
You know, it's getting a little bit hot, hot.
But puberty come and it really starts, it starts getting you going.
If you're young, remember, that's when summer would always, that's when puberty would always hit somebody.
In summertime, that long is, hey, I know you like playing hide and go seek, but what about some days?
I mean, everything started to change.
You know, you'd have a water slide at the beginning of summer, and by the end of the summer, you're trying to slide into the neighbor's daughter.
It was just different times.
It just was, it was same times, actually, but it was, it was just, I don't know, it was just something that happened.
And your buddy come back from school, he have a beard, you know.
Your friend, you guys had pogs or something together.
Now he got a beard and he got a child.
He was in a war.
And you're like, damn, you got some real, you must have had that Polish purity hit you or something, that Ukrainian, bruh.
Because you already been in a couple battles.
But it's that summertime.
We're still getting through it.
What did I do this week?
And I had, look, I had some neat experience.
I'll share about it in a second.
You know, I was asking or thinking last week, who listens to the show?
And I wanted to know.
And so we got a couple of people that chimed in and let us know.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo.
I'm calling from Phoenix, Arizona.
Oh, Phoenix, Arizona.
And my mother used to live over there outside of Phoenix.
And Phoenix, if you know Arizona State University, beautifulest.
They got some real beautiful ladies running around over there.
I mean, they got, I'm surprised they don't have real carnivores in that area a lot of, because they got some ladies over there.
You'll see some booty cheeks make you want to damn get a fork and knife out, bruh.
You know, turn you into a little, that kind of snackodactyl, really.
So, but thank you for calling, young lady, Onward.
I'm a special ed teacher, and I just wanted to call and say that you did a kick-ass job on your podcast.
I normally listen to you when I'm getting ready for work.
Oh, you're a special ed teacher, and that's beautiful.
And I actually, you know, a lot of people know that I, you know, beat down syndrome when I was born, and I've had a lot of, you know, I've had interactions.
I'll tell you, actually, I feel bad about this, but when I was in third grade or first grade, and who knows which one it was.
I mean, nobody really, you know, nobody ever knows really.
And they had a, next to us was special education.
And I would sneak in there and steal.
They had these kind of orange slices and these lime slices, these kind of green little sugar look like a little, like somebody, like a little handful of, somebody made a little sugar, like a chewy sugar chunk.
These little sugar hitters, and I'd sneak in there and eat them all while the special ed kids were out doing recess or just doing something.
I don't even know what they were doing, just riding around town or whatever, you know, not at school or not in the classroom.
And honestly, I've always felt a little bit bad about that.
So I want to apologize about that right now.
I would sneak in there and dude, sometimes I would lock myself in the cab, in the cupboard.
They had a tall cupboard.
I'd get in there and I'd start eating these candies.
Because our teacher, Miss Lewis, would give you permission to go to the restroom sometimes if you were an appropriate child.
Now, we had some inappropriate, you know, we had some real inappropriates kind of milling around.
We had kids who, you know, alphabet deniers and stuff, you know, kids that didn't want to read and all kinds.
But she would let you go get to the restroom until you'd be in the hall by yourself.
So I'd sneak into the special ed room and get their candies and get in that candy closet.
And the second I opened that door, they had so many candies.
They had those Tootsie Roll, the long ones, you know, that kind of make you, whoo, that kind of make you really, that kind of make you start thinking about what you're into as a young fella.
You know, you put two of them big fellas in your mouth, you might, you know, you might, you might end up in a unique parade later on in your life.
And so I'd get in there and I'd start just eating the lime slices and eating.
I'd have probably maybe 30 pieces of candy.
And then I'd come back to the class and I'd have forgotten to go urinate.
And so I'd have to sit there the rest of the time and suffer with the full bladder.
And it's funny because the pain of having to urinate would almost be, every time I remembered, oh, I got a piece so bad, I would feel ashamed because I had stolen them children's candies, their sweet, the sweet treats.
And anyway, I'm sorry, I'm rambling.
Yes, thank you for calling in.
Onward?
Since I'm a special ed teacher and I work right now in behavior specifically, it's very stressful.
So I'd like to start off my day with one of your episodes because it just kind of sets me in that mood to get ready and be positive and know that everything is going to be okay.
So, thank you, dude, for all that you do.
Thank me, thank you.
You know, I think about that as brave of you.
You have a special gift to be able to work with children that's really, you know, that have autism or, you know, unique gifts from God or they're a lot of mentally challenged people.
It seems like they're doing more insider trading.
It seem they're operating on the inside.
You know, we're out here operating on the outside for the most part.
And some of us are 100% out here and nothing inside.
And some of us are 50-50.
But sometimes a lot of, you know, mental children, when I was growing up, it would seem they were more like 80 inside, 20 outside.
So they had a lot more, you know, you got to, it's almost like a Rubik's Cube.
You got to do a lot of twisting and turning to kind of get the walls to all match up.
And it takes a lot of patience.
So I can't even really imagine, you know, how much patience you have to be.
I mean, you must just have to be full of patience because, I mean, I just, I imagine if we cracked you open, that something would come out, but only if we waited a while because that's patience.
You know, like, I just can't imagine it.
You know, and so thank you for your service right there.
And thank you for the compliment.
And I hope you have a great day today.
You know, I hope you, you know, and those kids that you're working with in the future, they get the next go-round.
They get the big trip next time.
You know, we all take turns.
I believe that.
Like, I'm here this time doing what I do, being a loudmouth.
And next time I'll be, you know, I'm kind of a more sensitive loudmouth.
Next time I might be a warrior, like a deaf warrior.
So you'll see me with no listening skills, but maybe be a lightweight champion of the world.
Or I might be like a, you know, a little show animal or something that, you know, doesn't do a lot and does, you know, does cigarettes or something.
So it's, you know, everybody gets the term where you have, where we get to see what it's like to be that next thing, that next type of person.
So I guess I'm just envious.
You know, I had a day one time I was a student and we went to India, Earth, and we worked on a disabled children's home over there.
And a lot of these children, they didn't have wheelchairs or chairs.
And they were just crawling around on the ground, you know.
And our job for the day was to help move.
They had different sediment and different pieces of cement or something.
I don't know what had happened.
Somebody left a, probably look about two dump trucks full of pieces of big cement at a at a disabled children's home.
And we moved it and we made it and moved it around and opened up a little play area for them.
But man, it was, you know, it was the one day in my life where I really felt of service like 100%.
I remember getting to the end of that day and just feeling like, wow, man, it just felt so good.
But thank you for your service.
I'm glad we can get you going.
I'm glad to be a part of whatever we're doing here and getting you going.
So I hope you have a wonderful day over there.
Let's get it.
Who else is listening?
Let's crack one more.
Big Tim out there.
And you know, Tim is always that kind of neighbor guy.
You know, he's a little, some of them he'll be out shooting hoops at night.
But you're like, damn, what's going on, Tim?
You got a family, you know?
Or Tim's the kind of guy where, you know, you won't have seen his wife for like a month and you'll be like, dang, Tim.
Where's Diane?
But let's hear more.
Thank you for listening, Tim.
And I listened to your podcast after I dropped my kids off.
Oh, yeah, man.
Oh, oh, I see what you're saying, actual kids, because that's a euphemism also for going to the restroom.
Onward?
At school.
I'm a stay-at-home dad.
S-O-D, bruh.
Damn, boy.
Stay-at-home dad.
Wow.
Oh, that'd be so much fun.
Because I remember staying at home when I was a kid.
Shit was great.
Making stuff, making your own food.
Remember that?
Dude, one day for lunch, bro, I had 16 pieces of cheese.
Mm.
Remember that?
Cheese steaks.
I remember I heard about cheese steaks.
And a cheese steak is when, I guess, I don't know.
But I thought it was that you just put a bunch of cheese into like a, you know, as much of a meat shape as you could and just had that bitch, you know?
So I made a perfect T-bone out of cheese out of about 16 pieces of American.
You know what I'm saying?
GBA boy got some American and had me a beautiful ass cheese steak while I watched, it wasn't One Life to Live or something.
My grandmother got me onto some of the soap operas.
And a soap opera is something basically where it's like a lot of, I guess it's kind of where people fantasize, I think, about having sex with somebody else.
But instead of doing that, they just watch a soap opera and have a snack.
What else we got?
Thank you for calling, Tim.
Let's hear more.
And I just love how real you talk.
You don't hold anything back.
I'm in Wisconsin, and I'm sure you know, like, your vibe is felt the same everywhere, but we definitely feel it out here.
All right, buddy.
Love you.
Love you too, Tim, man.
Thanks for calling.
And dude, have fun at the house today, bud.
If what if the ladies out there working, do get a slip and slide.
Sell the fucking furniture, dude, online.
Dude, you're living the dream.
Do whatever you want.
Oh, man, when you were at home, that was one thing nicer in summertime.
When you were home, wake up.
As long as there was milk.
If there wasn't milk, my day was going to hell.
But if there was milk, I was feeling good.
Because you could have cereal, get a little bit of this, cut on an episode of something, do a video game.
You know, and if you hadn't hit purity yet, you just do fun stuff all day.
See what the neighbors are up to.
Make sure the house keys under the mat when you leave.
Dude, how crazy is it that we keep the house?
Every house key's under the mat.
If there's a burglar who can't get into a house, fuck him, bruh.
Then he ain't a good burglar.
Every burglar, I have to be honest with you, the house key is under the mat or it's in the little frog or it's on the little goose.
They got a little trapdoor under the frog and that's the house key is right there.
Because sometimes you'll see a burglar, like they catch a burglar by like the back window.
He's back there with a screwdriver.
What?
Are you crazy?
There's no screws on a window, first of all, bucko.
Dude, the keys under the mat come in the front door.
Just baffling to me sometimes what's going on.
This weekend for me, what happened this past weekend?
I'm just kind of rambling.
Well, oh, Longneck came out to the show.
You know, and we're distant cousins, people ask.
And so he came out and it was a good experience, man.
It was nice to see him.
You know, he's a young guy.
People don't realize it.
They think he's just that necky neck neck.
People all, you know, just think he's, you know, he's naked, even if he ain't.
He could be fully clothed and still be naked.
You know, he's that esophageal guy.
You know, it's like, it's almost like you can play that game where you put your hands up a bat until somebody wins.
You could do that right on my boy right there.
And his real name is David, and he doesn't smoke or drink.
You know, he doesn't do drugs.
And he's a young guy.
People don't realize that.
He's a young dude.
There's no work for his parents out there.
And he lives outside of Flint.
And, you know, he's got a, you know, he's got, he lives with his family, but there's no, you know, there's not a lot of opportunity out there.
So he said, this is a really tough time.
We had a nice time actually chatting.
He said it's tough because there's a lot of gangs.
There's a lot of like violence and stuff.
A lot of people get jealous of him, which must be wild.
It's like he kind of has this unique look and then people get jealous of him.
And he's only 19, so he's just, you know, trying to be alive.
And he said that some people have taken advantage of him and like in business and stuff like that.
But he had a nice group with him and they came out and we broke some bread backstage and just had a nice meal.
And he likes fries.
You know, he likes French fries.
So mostly if you see him, you know, just filling up his body, it's with fries.
So he's fried up.
But yeah, it was a good time, man.
We hung out.
What else?
And the shows were great.
So many great people came out.
So many just, man, I just, man, so many nice people.
The first show I thought was really amazing.
The second show was good.
It wasn't as good to me.
But you know how I am.
I'm kind of hard on myself.
But yeah, we had a good time.
We brought Damn Longneck up on stage at the end of the first show, and we sang We Are the World with a beautiful group.
We had some diversity up there.
We got a couple Tinos up there.
You know, a couple dark Ardvarks up there.
We had a beautiful squad.
We had a girl, I think, who was, I don't even know, dude.
Freaking great, you know, awesome.
And so everybody was up there.
And we sang we are the world together.
I'm going to try to get that video for you.
But yeah, it was just a good experience, man.
It was a good experience.
And I'm glad he got to come in town.
And I'm just glad I got to kind of chat with him and see what his little, what his world is like on a one-to-one basis.
And I found him to just be like a nice kid.
You know, just nice and just, you know, just, I mean, just imagine anybody else from a community that's kind of a troubled community and there's not a lot of opportunity and who gets this kind of weird or unique Instagram popularity.
So it was interesting, man.
It was interesting.
But I'm glad that he came out and I'm grateful to everybody that came through.
I'll tell you this, dude.
They had, oh, I'll tell you this, actually, that today's episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza.
Gray Block Pizza, they have some of them, you need a stylish pie.
You need that slice of nice.
And they have it there.
It's 1811 Pico Boulevard in Los Angeles on the way to the beach.
Gray Block Pizza, get that hitter.
Get that hitter.
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You know, and I put a photo up on Instagrams of me and of David Damn Longneck and some of his buddies.
And I didn't know any of the other guys, really.
I've seen some of their stuff online, but and people like, you know, one guy's like, I can't support this type of stuff.
You know, you support these types of people.
And it just, man, it made me kind of mad.
It's like, what do you mean these types?
You know, Pete Wood, you think he's a privileged kid?
I mean, I know he's a silly kid at 19. He makes ridiculous stuff online.
You know, but you think that kid's privileged, some young kid growing up in Flint, Michigan?
You think he has some special opportunity?
You know, it just like, you know, it's like, I don't know.
And then it also, I feel bad because it made me think like, oh, well, like, I don't spend, I'm, you know, I mean, David reminds me of people that I grew up around.
You know, he reminds me of the neighborhood that I grew up in.
Dude, I'll tell you this, bro.
I show up to the improv.
He's outside.
Him and his gang, bro, he's got a wild cat with him named Gucci Berry.
And this guy, he's probably 50 years old.
You know, half of his teeth.
He's always getting people beating him in the nuts and stuff online.
To me, it's not my vibe, really.
Really at all, really.
But he's a nice guy.
And I roll up to the improv.
They're out front with no shirts on.
Zero shirts.
I've gone to the improv for 15 years.
I've gone to the improv in Hollywood, California on Melrose Avenue.
Never once have I seen someone without a shirt on there.
But Tadal.
I roll up there sitting out front, no shirts, boy.
I say, gang, gang, baby.
It's people.
You know, it's people.
I mean, it's just, it's people, man.
And the second I feel like I'm not people, man, I don't care what they are.
I don't care if David's black or white or Latino or, you know, Peruvian or Veruca Salt or whatever he is, you know?
I don't care if he fucking, you know, reaches into his pants and pulls out a damn tail.
That's people.
So anyway, I shouldn't, and it didn't bother me.
It just made me, I don't know, part of me did worry.
It was like, well, what if, you know, if people think that I'm associated with these kind of people or if they think I'm this, then what is that going to be?
I guess in the end, I guess I'm really just disappointed that it made me doubt myself.
You know, it made me think, well, what are people going to think?
Because I like to, you know, I wish I didn't live in that space where I worried about that.
Where I worried about what people thought, what's in their heads about me.
And I hope to get there, you know, I hope to aim to be in that space more.
And I don't even know how I ever got there probably when I was young.
Well, I think probably I didn't know how I felt about myself.
You know, I had no real self-awareness.
And the only way I did feel about myself wasn't good.
So of course I'm going to need other people to like me.
I'm going to need them to feel good.
Because that's the only way I know if I'm doing okay.
You know, if I ask myself, it's like yelling into a cave when I was young.
So it almost makes sense that I even do work as a comedian.
Because it's like I needed to know that it's like I got my own feeling of feeling okay from them.
So it's almost like I'm trying to think about this a little more.
I know in a simple way, it's like, oh, what people think about you?
Oh, you care about what people think about you, yes.
But I'm trying to think about how I, you know, I got what I thought about myself from how other people responded to me.
I think that really is more how what was going on with me, you know, because that's the only way I knew, you know, and that's so, yeah, nobody, you know, I just wasn't filled up with, hey, you're, you know, you're, you're okay.
There wasn't enough of those.
And if there were, maybe there were, and I couldn't even hear them.
And that's where sometimes it's like, man, we're all special ed.
We're all special needs.
You know, and it makes me feel good to know that there's a lady out there.
Hey, Theo, I'm calling from Phoenix, Arizona.
I'm a special ed who's driving somewhere to take care of some kids.
Man, that's great.
That's awesome.
It's nice to know that there is when these kids get home that this guy.
My name is Tim, and I listen to your podcast after I drop my kids off at school.
I'm a stay-at-home dad.
That when the kids get off the bus, Timmy's out there with a little tray of muffins or a cigarette.
I don't know if the kids smoke or what he does with his kids, but he's out there.
That's nice to know that we're filling these youngsters up with some type of connection.
I'm just kind of rambling, but...
But yeah, what else is going on with me right now?
You know, I've just been trying to think about like, you know, just kind of, I guess just kind of wanting to, just, I've just been feeling so busy sometimes that I don't know.
It's hard to know like if I'm feeling okay or not.
So I just got to try and check in with myself a little bit more and just kind of, you know, just make sure that I'm doing okay.
And I feel like I am.
It was just, you know, I used to have just kind of more time to just, you know, I guess just even chill out or take a nap or get a little frosty or something.
I love frosties.
And I love, what else do I love?
You know what I miss?
I was thinking about the other day?
Musical chairs.
Dude, remember musical chairs.
Remember at school, I don't even know when it happened, but about once every two years, some new legislation came down at school and they once again allowed kids to play musical chairs.
That's where they put like seven chairs in the middle of a room and they put like 40 kids in the room.
And it was just bonkers.
You remember how crazy it was?
You remember it?
It was like it was almost like the Royal Rumble, like WWF Royal Rumble.
And they had everybody, all suddenly, you start to see who people are.
You'd have a little, you know, a couple sets of twins, these two females, bro, they over there sharpening their teeth with a real file.
You're like, damn, these bitches getting a seat.
Suddenly all the white kids were like, oh, we're going to have a chance to do something athletically.
Musical chairs.
And then the music would start all around the mulberry bush.
And people are just eyeing the other person.
Suddenly a friend was not a friend at all.
Suddenly some kid had just reached in his bag and has painted his face up like William Wallace.
You know, he's like, we are free.
Tell them Scotland is free.
Other kids was getting scared.
One kid fainted, bruh.
Dude, whatever, son.
You out, bruh.
You out.
You can't handle musical chairs.
You ain't going to handle musical the rest of your life then.
Go move to somewhere else, bro and be weak, daddy.
We got to go.
And then it would stop.
And people, you'd see some kid pull out a blade.
You know, some rich kid would bring a chair from home.
You're like, what?
Fauntley's, he's cheating.
They had some pedos on the side betting on it, laying money.
You know, plus $7.50 on little Reginald over there.
And the teacher was smoking cigarettes.
It was insane.
And then just all these cheeks flying.
It was butt first.
It was butt first.
And there's just nothing more just quirky and silly than a bunch of children's butts all flying in the same direction at once.
And you had to get cheek to seat.
Some kids, they go for a chair and miss it completely, shatter their legs, shatter their spine, end up in a bag, you know, end up traveling by sack for the rest of their lives on their dad or mom's back if their mom was strong.
Just, you know, just, you had to get two cheeks on the seat and it was yours.
And you had somebody be yelling in the distance, somebody be yelling, cheek that seat, cheek that seat.
There's people crawling through pipes full of duty.
They said it would take a man 600 years to get out of the state of prison.
But musical chairs Randall did it in less than 20. And you know, little Daniel's back there in the back.
He got him a little Santa sack, and he's not even playing.
He's just stealing people's stuff.
I mean, he's back there, he's taking these like just mom-made sandwiches and game boys and just filling up a sack.
And he's just, he leaped out the window riding onto the back of a greyhound.
He left town that we never even saw.
Because you know Daniel, you know, he makes his own choices.
But damn, boy, musical chairs, the game in, somebody, it came down to two people, one chair.
And it was actually kind of a great thing for regular life.
This is regular life.
It's going to be survival of the fittest.
You got to get that ass right.
Because it's cheek first sometimes.
You got to put your ass on the line.
And somebody win, and you win, they're supposed to give you some candies.
And they go in the cupboard and who knows, some little asshole kid ate all of them lime slices.
Some sneaky little white boy, that poly Nicaragua, snacked up all the lime slices.
And little Daniel, he's already, he's halfway to Tacoma.
And he got that bag of, you know, maybe lukewarm muffins and some ham sandwiches and some putting packs, bruh.
And he's keyed up.
Man, boy, get in there.
Man, I just, I mean, it was God's game.
I mean, it was God's game, man.
Let's get into a couple more calls.
Oh, here's one we got.
As always, the hotline is 985-664-9503.
And the hotline is, you know, it's a, it's a, it's just, you know, if something's going on, what's happening?
If you're not, if you're struggling with something, if there's something that we can try to do to help, if you want to share a response to something on the show, you can always hit it.
And again, it's 985-664-9503.
Let's take a call right here.
Hey, what's going on, Theo?
It's Jonathan from Shreveport.
What's up, Shreveport?
And I used to, the cops after the comedy, the cops would come by these bicycle cops and they would tase you if you wanted.
And you didn't even have to be a criminal.
And they would tase you with the damn taser.
So, you know, they got some rare kind of tourist attractions around there.
Let's hear more.
Man, I was listening to the podcast earlier and you were talking about being in a relationship.
I think you're 39 and I'm 35, man.
And I was scared of relationships just like you for a long time because, like, I come from alcoholic parents and a broken home and all that shit.
And, man, it was like, oh, and dealing drugs for a long time.
It was like everybody was business related or business oriented.
Like, I had girlfriends, but they were more like homeboys, you know.
Oh, yeah.
Drugs will make a turn a girlfriend into more of a girl fiend, you know, onward.
But I met Stephanie, the woman I'm with now, and dude, it really changed me.
I mean, she's a genuine person, so it is worth the risk to face the fear, I would say.
Gang, man, I appreciate you saying that, dude.
And yeah, yeah, I guess everybody needs a little Stephanie on them.
Everybody needs, yeah, I'm sure somebody comes along and kind of just makes it.
I mean, my biggest fear, I think, right now in like a practical sense, on a surface sense, is I just don't, I don't know that I trust myself not to cheat, not to, you know, I still, I got that sugar lizard sometimes in my wiener, you know, in my body wiener.
And, you know, if that lizard gets thinking, bruh, then I'll, you know, I'll get pink and you feel me?
I mean, that's kind of obtuse, and I don't want to say that, but I'll try to get out there looking for some loin.
You know, I'll get out there kind of just kind of just standing around, just kind of looking for some trim, trimming them, whatever you say I am, you know?
Mom spaghetti, bro.
You feel me?
I'll take a girl out from mom spaghetti to try to freaking serve up that meat ball, you gotta be.
So I just, I don't know sometimes, man.
I think that's one of the things.
And then I, fuck, bro.
I got so many fucking problems, bro.
Jesus Christ, dude.
I might as well just build a church around my damn head and my heart.
I might as well, you know what I should do is just live in a church or something like that.
It would help or a TP or a Native American church.
Let's hear more.
You sound like you might be on a couple lewds as well, Daddy.
You might be, you know, a couple milligrams deep right now, Wand.
Because now that I got kids, everything's different, man.
Like, I stopped doing everything illegal, started making legal money.
I mean, it's been a real, real long road, but it's really worth it.
And I didn't trust anybody, man.
At one time, if I couldn't make a dollar off of you, I didn't really mess with you.
Gang, bro.
Wow.
Yeah, so I feel you and a lot of that is, yeah, it's like you got to have opportunity for transformation.
And it sounds like somebody real special came along and made you believe in something greater than yourself.
And that's pretty powerful.
You know, I'm amazed at the way that goodness really works in the world.
You know, I'm just amazed, man.
I'm amazed at how many people, you know, I'm feeling in some type of way, negative or this or that, and somebody comes along and their positivity just shows me the other half of the world that, or really, the other, most of the world that I'm not seeing.
You know, because if I'm seeing things negatively, a lot of that's my choice.
You know, you walk into hell with a smile, bruh.
I mean, you could even, you might even be able to make the devil think different.
You know, it's just powerful sometimes to just do that contrary action.
Oh, it's easy to show up at work and be a dick and do this and that.
It's hard.
Some guy works for you or you work for your boss, he's a dick or you're a dick to show up and just, I'm going to try this different.
What if today I walked up and said, just, hey, look, you might be the best damn employee or employer.
They might be the worst.
And if you said, hey, look, what can I do differently to help the situation here?
Even if you might already be doing it great.
But that right there is going to make them think, damn, is the world changing?
Because I thought my boss, or I thought the guy working under me, I thought he was an asshole.
Wow, the world's changing.
It's really the world.
People are asking, what can they do to help somebody?
Wow, I better get on that bus.
Because I'm over here on this other shitty bus.
There's only one other person on it.
It's a young fella named Daniel Brun.
He gots a sack full of Game Boys.
So I don't, I got to get on this new bus.
It's headed in a new direction.
And that's my perspective.
And I think I'm sounding a little bit preachy, man.
I'm sorry about that.
You know, I've been having a, my patience has just been real short with myself.
And I notice sometimes I get preachy when I just, when I haven't been resting enough, really.
And when I haven't been at peace enough, I just, or when I've been too busy, I get more preachy.
So I'm not trying to preach at you.
I'm really trying to tell myself that I, you know, I want to be brave enough when a situation is shitty, when somebody's done something wrong to me, that instead of saying, hey, fuck you, I want to be able to say, hey, how can I help, man?
What's going on?
You're upset today?
You need to make it five extra dollars off of me?
Go on, bruh.
Get that money.
That's going to change.
That's going to, you know, nine extra dollars off of today.
That's going to make you, you're going to sit at home and be full of, go on, take it, daddy.
I don't know.
I'll give you $14.
I'll give you $14.
You can take the nine and then here's an extra five.
Go home and don't be an asshole to your family.
How about that?
I'll pay you every day to go home and not be an asshole to your family.
You know, let them have it, man.
I just, I don't know.
I guess I got, I'm spinning, bro.
And I'm getting preachy, man.
I'm sorry about that.
But thanks for calling, man.
And sorry, I was thinking you were on Kwalus, but you, dog, you sound like you might, look, if they have a Kwalu competition, dude, or voiceover work, if they ever come out with a Smurf or something that's on Ludes, bro, you know, sneaky, you know, snakey, dopey, doc, sneezy, you know, opioidy, bruh.
You could audition for them, bro.
You got that looty.
You got that looty bat, that baritone looty.
You got that looty, looty, baritone.
You got about 600 milligrams in your voice box, daddy.
And I love you, man.
Gang, gang, shreveport all day.
And I'm ready to see Dustin Poirier whoop that boy as he over there in the desert.
Operation Diamond Storm, baby.
We coming back to the Middle East.
It's going to get rogue, man.
And speaking of rogue, there's actually a new, a friend of mine created a game called Streets of Rogue.
And it's on Steam, it's on Xbox One, it's on PlayStation.
And it's kind of like, what's that game like Pep Boys?
No, it's Grand Theft Auto.
It's like Grand Theft Auto meets Zelda.
And you could do anything you want.
If you like to live in like an alternative world on his game, you can, you know, you can be doing cigarettes.
You can be doing karate.
You know, you could light people up or just light up a smoke.
You can, you know, you could kill people.
You can have drinks and everything.
There's all types of stuff.
Juggle, make chocolates.
They got tons of opportunities on there.
And then you can still be like the mayor of the whole, you know, little universe on there.
So, yeah, if you want to check it out, it's called Streets of Rogue.
And that's my friend Matt made the game.
He's a game maker.
And actually, he just got married as well.
So congratulations, Matt Ski, out there.
What else?
Let's get into a couple more questions and calls that came in.
Here we go.
Yo, what's going on, baby?
It's Kazi over here in Charlotte.
What's up, Kazi, over there in Charlotte, huh?
And I love Charlotte.
You want to go to a city that's really white riffic and black tastic at the same time, boy?
Charlotte.
You want to see, you know, cities that are really just, you know, they got that funky, they got funky, but also honky.
You know, they got that honky funk Vibe going on, and that really is Charlotte.
Man, one of the best southern restaurants I've ever been to is right over there, off by that mall over there downtown.
And it's dangerous because the buses go fast there.
So you could lose a family member to a bus, but goddamn, them hush puppies are good, you know.
So you could have those and a couple orders of that fried catfish at the wake, you know, at the funeral, baby, onward.
I was watching some King of the, was it with King of the Bee, whatever it is.
And you and Brandon was talking about superpowers or something, and you said that you could go in a bathroom and you could tell when the last time that somebody did some business in there was.
Oh, yeah, that's something that it's a, I don't think it's a super, I guess it is a superpower, I guess.
I don't know if everybody could do it, but yeah, if I go into a urinal restroom or, you know, piss area, if I, if somebody's been in there doing a duty or something, I can sometimes I could smell, I could almost, I can't help but smell it.
Like right when I walk in, my nose will take a hit and I'll try to, it'll be like, oh yeah, somebody did or no, somebody didn't or it's been, you know, nine and a half minutes or it's been 60 seconds or, you know, they got two boys, you know, playing these porcelain pipes right there, you know, in a couple stalls right now.
They got active shooters in the building onward.
Wow, you made me think, man, if you're ever over here in Charlotte, I work at this little text mesh joint called Chewy's.
Come drop into Chewy's.
We've got, you know, the women's restroom and the men's restroom, and then we've got what we call the family bathroom.
But what it is, it's a whole different bathroom.
It's got, you know, one toilet in there.
It's really for changing kids, but all the coworkers go in there with your drugs.
And I didn't say that.
And we do our own business, but it always smells fresh.
We got the janitorial folks.
Shout out to them.
Loretta and anybody who's listening to this, shout out to y'all.
Hell yeah.
Shout out to anybody that'll be ever cleaning toilets, man.
And I used to clean them over there at BJ's Pizza House off of 190.
And I used to get me a cold beer.
And I'd go in the bathroom.
I was probably 13 or 14. And I'd drinking beer out of a damn paper cup.
And I'd be hitting that Miller Light, bro.
And that shit fucking made my cheeks made it feel like squirrels were living in my neck and they were looking at each other.
They were looking for each other to fuck, you know?
That's what it felt like when I drank that Miller Light as a kid.
Second it poured in, it was so spicy and hot in my, and just, I mean, it was ice cold, but it was just hot inside of it.
It was coldness, but that alcohol had heat in it.
And it would get in my throat and just let the damn squirrels loose.
And that shit made me, boy, dude, I'll bite my own ass cheek open if I had, you know, two sips of Miller Light at the age of 13. Onward.
Y'all do the most work in the restaurant.
That's a fact.
They always keep it smelling great in there.
You'll go in there, you won't even know the last time that anyone's done some business.
Oh, that's beautiful.
See, I'll have to hit that chewies when I'm local.
Oh, I used to love, bro.
So I used to do whippets.
I used to get, bro, I'd go lock myself in the, if the toilet was taken, I'd go lock myself in the freezer at the restaurant.
And I'd be just eating handfuls of bread pudding straight out of the, like the chef would have made it all, but he was cheating on his wife and he was embezzling money so nobody gave a fuck about his recipes, right?
Because really, I want to know what ingredients have gone into your soul before what's in the in the dessert tray, what you put in there.
So I want to know that first batch of you before I see that, you know, that, that second course.
And so I'd get in there, I'd just be eating handfuls of bread pudding and doing whippets, bruh.
I'd be, dude, people come in there.
I remember one guy came in and he's like, dude, what the fuck are you doing in here?
He was a coworker.
And I was like, hold on just a second.
Is it just going to be one of you guys today?
That's how whippeted it out I was.
I thought I was at the hostess stand.
And this guy came in and I tried to seat him in the damn freezer, bruh.
So you just got to know who you are, you know, or know who you aren't.
I think let's take another call right here.
Here we go.
Thank you for hitting the hotline and for being here with me this weekend or this Monday, actually.
Man.
G. Yo, what up, you freaky fed?
What up, man?
Nelson here calling from Texas.
What's up, Nelson from Tejas?
And I appreciate you ringing in, Papa Onward.
Last time I called your show was about a year ago.
To be back last summer on the Halfway to Christmas episode.
And I believe I was the first mailman to call your show.
I'm actually on the job right now.
Gang boy Nelson out there.
And it's halfway to Christmas.
Let's hear more.
And just want to remind you, it's halfway to Christmas, buddy.
I'm out here freelance Delta again showing you these letters.
And I just want to say you've been keeping me going, man.
Appreciate what you do.
And keep on keeping on, brother.
Gang.
Gang, Papa.
Nelson out there.
And Nelson, bro, he's, that's jolly old St. Nelsonless.
St. Nica Nelson right there, dude.
My man.
Halfway to Christmas, Nelson, bruh.
HTC Nelson, Danny.
And yeah, it's that time of year.
People don't realize.
You know, the mailman, he's been laying low.
You know, he's been at the house a lot.
You know, having fruit roll-ups, you know, storing nuts in his cheeks, doing calf lifts in the garage.
Trying to get ready, get keyed up, get ready.
Because the second half of the year, they start training.
You'll see a mailman at night running down the street with a huge sack of fucking nothing, bro.
Then a couple weeks later, you'll see him out there with a sack of fake bricks or something, bro.
A little bit more than nothing.
And They start training.
You'll see a mailman get a big bag and start stretching it out, making sure.
Testing, really testing the guttural strength of a bag.
And they're getting ready.
We don't know that mailman that they want to, you know, a lot of mailmen, they just want to be of service, man.
A lot of mailmen, they're going to go, they dropping off something good.
Make little Larry happy.
You know, suddenly a bunch of kids in town need a Game Boy because somebody stole all their Game Boys.
And that's Daniel, bruh.
And you know, Daniel, man, he makes his own choices.
And you got to love the mailman.
When you see that guy, you salute him, huh?
That's that overnight bad boy.
That's that second day air.
You got to hit him up with that bam.
You know, anybody also, these guys there all day, they got perfume samples in the bag.
They huffing those bitches.
A mailman?
There's no way, if I'm not a mailman, that I ain't getting hopped up on perfume samples all day.
Dude, I'll be, you know, I'll drop a package here, drop a package there.
Next thing you know, I'll do about four, open that thing up and do about four hits of cool water cologne right there to the dome.
Just do nine hits of that Burberry stout or whatever.
Dude, I'll be so high on perfume samples, bruh.
I'd deliver the mail and then go undeliver it.
Dude, I'd deliver, I fucking, I'll put four reindeers in front of my mail truck and just drive that bitch around and feed them bitches beer and give them little hits.
Give them a hits of what else they got?
That Ralph Loran, that polo scent scent.
Hit them with that fresh, fresh by the face, face for the snout, boy.
Come on.
It's different, man.
We living.
It's halfway to Christmas, and thank you, Nelson, for reminding us.
So let's get in the spirit now.
Don't be one of these December, these Grinches.
Man, don't be one of these Grinches.
It's an inch to Christmas, and now they getting a little bit ready.
But I'm starting early.
Surely.
Let's take one more call here.
Here we go.
Onward.
Hey, Theo.
This is Matt from Kentucky.
Hey, Matthew, thank you for calling in.
And it's beautiful over there, beautiful hill country over there.
In Lexington, man, it's a real, real special place over there.
Onward.
I was fortunate enough to see you last year, like November, December, down in Lexington, Kentucky, down at the Comedy House Broadway.
And man, you killed it.
The question I have, man, is I want to know something that I'm shocked nobody has asked so far.
Theo, buddy.
Are you happy, man?
I love you, bro.
I love you.
Love you, too, man.
I appreciate you coming out there.
And while you were talking, I was just thinking, too, I want to just let everybody know.
I hope y'all are staying dry and safe.
That's caught up in the storm and been dealing with Barry.
You know, Barry, he, you know, you don't know.
And things can get happening.
You got water in the house and suddenly, you know, your kids are, you know, they're playing water games or they're doing white water rafting off of the dish cabinet or something.
You got to make the most of it if you can.
But I hope everybody's staying safe and put some floaties on.
Put some floaties on your loved ones when you tuck them into bed.
Because Mother Nature, you know, she wants to work with us, but she fiery.
You know how these meatches can be sometimes.
And she's feisty.
She's going to flex, man.
Mother Nature's going to flex.
Am I happy?
You know what's so funny?
I mean, I think I'm always thinking about this.
I think everybody's always thinking, are they happy?
You know, I don't know, man.
I don't even know if I'm happy with this episode of this podcast.
I've been feeling overwhelmed recently, man.
I've been feeling like, you know, a lot of it is I've just been feeling like I, you know, I've used to, I felt before like I knew exactly who I was.
And then as things have gotten busier with work, sometimes I don't know.
I still know who I am, but I just need to focus more on, I don't need to focus more, but I just need to do more things of service to be of service, I think.
I think that'll make me happier.
You know, on Tuesday, I got a thing I'm going to do movie night over by the Ronald McDonald house.
And Ronald McDonald, he don't do just burgers, man.
They have a good charitable organization where they house people that have family members that are in ICU and stuff like that.
And you can go.
And so they put them up in this hotel that's free.
And so they have all these families and these children that stay in the hotels while the kids are getting long-term care at hospitals.
And so, you know, I decided I was going to go.
I used to do Tuesday nights over there.
And so I'm starting back this week.
So I'm excited about that.
Before King and the Sting, we're doing King and the Sting, just a live show.
It's just me and Brendan.
But we're doing that live.
And we're going to do, I'm going to go to the Ronald McDonald house before we're doing movie night.
So I'm excited about that.
You know, I think I just need to make sure that I focus on doing things that do make me feel good.
I think I feel a lot of responsibility because I've been given, you know, you get more opportunities.
You know, as my career has changed in the past year, I feel, you know, I feel like I can do more.
At the same time, I feel like I need to find ways to be happy with what's going on.
You know, I just want to, I don't know, man.
Am I happy?
Yes.
Yes, I am.
I'm very happy, man.
I get to go.
You know, I'm happy.
I'm happy when I get, man.
I got off stage on Friday night or Saturday night, and man, I just saw so many people in the hall, and it was just great.
We just had a great time.
You know, I just love seeing people be happy.
They come out with their wives.
Some people came out their first show.
They'd never even been out to a show before.
This fellow, Sebastian, somebody else, this other guy and his brother, you know, a couple.
They'd never been to a show before.
They'd never been to a comedy show.
And then they come out and laugh.
And I don't feel like, oh, you know, look at me.
I just feel like, oh, man, we, because I need them to laugh for me to feel okay.
So we're out here.
This is a team effort.
And that kind of stuff does make me really happy.
I think the things that I'll let get into me that make me unhappy are if I start thinking other people should be a certain way, that's the kind of stuff I don't like.
Like if I get caught up like in too much, like thinking about political stuff or, you know, thinking that I know something that I know more than others.
Man, I may have different experiences, but that doesn't mean that I know anything more.
You know, everybody can learn something from everybody else.
And also, I got to realize some stuff that it's not my battle.
It's not my fight.
You know, it's not my, you know, I just can, I need to do what I can do around those that are close to me to be loving.
I need to, you know, I'd like to be less hard on myself.
People always remind me of that.
And thank you for all the nice messages that I get about that kind of stuff.
You know, I just, it hurts me when people, when I see, you know, young guys, I mean, when I see anybody that's struggling, you know, it just makes me, you know, we can just do better, I think.
And I'm not saying you can do better.
I'm just saying, and then all I can do is just do better.
You know, this is life.
This is a, it's, it's a great opportunity, right, to be alive.
And, but yeah, I just feel, I guess, some sense of responsibility that since I have some sort of a platform, not that I could tell anybody what to do or how to be or anything, but I do feel, I don't know, I guess I feel some responsibility to.
Well, it's like I just want to, I don't know, man.
It's like I am happy.
You know, I am happy.
I just, I'm grateful for, you know, for the fun stuff I get to do.
I get to be in this fun circle where like, dude, I get to talk to Joe Rogan sometimes.
I get to, dude, I get to meet single moms who, you know, and give them a hug.
Like I wanted to hug my mom when I was young and just, you know, or be a part or like, you know, help out with our Patreon group and help, you know, do, you know, try and do something nice for them.
Like, yeah, I get to do a lot of things that make me feel good.
But I think there's something in me that always wants there to be something else.
I always want to keep moving the carrot.
And I think like, you know, I want to be able to, you know, that's why I decided I want to go do the Ronald McDonald house again and start that back up because I need something also to just make sure that I stay in a place where I realize like what's important, you know, for me.
You know, I don't want to get disconnected, man.
I don't ever want to, I don't ever want to look at somebody that needs help and think like, ugh, you know, or look at anybody like that.
You know, that's the same way that I felt like people looked at me a lot of my life.
You know, people always think like, oh, you know, that, you know, I can only speak from my perception that like, you know, poor white kids have, you know, they have all this opportunity.
Everybody has, just if they have a white skin, they have this opportunity.
Or everybody struggles, man.
Everybody.
I don't care who they are.
I don't care if they're wealthy.
I don't care if they're not.
I don't care.
It doesn't matter.
You know, struggles that hunter, baby.
Struggles that hunter.
And it gots all the, you know, it gots all the weaponry.
I just don't, you know, I don't want to miss the opportunity to be used to be helpful.
That's what it is, man.
That's it.
That would make me happy.
You know, if I know that each day I try to put myself in a position or show up enough to the day where if I can be helpful to somebody else that not only am I excited about it, but I'm willing to do it.
And of course, that'll never happen all the time.
It'll never happen.
But that's kind of what makes me feel good.
You know, it just makes me feel good, dude.
It just makes me...
You know, I wish that people know what's going On.
You know, I get upset sometimes at the media and all that kind of shit.
They don't care.
They don't know.
They're in a business.
But I feel like people know what's going on.
And I feel like we're headed in a good direction, man.
I feel like there's a lot of man, there's a lot of love on the streets and there's a lot more right around the corner, bro.
So I don't even know if that answers your question, man.
I don't even know what I'm talking about.
But I know that for me, my battle is like just making sure that I'm just taking care of myself enough to be present enough so I'm not missing an opportunity to be of service in some way because that makes me feel good.
You know, it makes me feel good.
So anyway, I'm kind of rambling, but let's take another call that came in right here and then and then maybe we'll scoot off of this episode.
And man, thank you guys so much.
Halfway to Christmas, I'm going to have to start thinking about what I want, you know?
Yo, what up, Cio?
My name's Connor.
I'm from Pittsburgh, and today's actually my 22nd birthday.
Oh, awesome, man.
Happy 22nd, Connor.
Oh, and it's Conor McGregor's birthday, I think, was yesterday.
So that's kind of crazy.
And I just wanted to say that I'm a massive fan.
My brother actually got me into you.
And this past year has been a pretty tough year for me.
Our mom's been battling cancer.
And I really just wanted to use this outlet to kind of thank my brother because he's been the most amazing person through the whole situation.
And I've been at college, so I don't have a whole lot of money.
So he takes me out every weekend.
He shows me a good time.
And he helps me through a really rough breakup.
And he's just the most amazing guy.
He flew us out to Denver to go visit our cousin.
And I just wanted to spread a little bit of positivity because he's a huge listener.
And he got me into you.
And he gave me a laugh every Monday and Thursday.
And I just really wanted to say thank you.
And have a great week, man.
Gang Gang.
Gang Gang, bro.
That's cool, man.
Well, that's nice that your brother cares like that.
That's cool, man.
That's cool, bro.
That's cool that you got, you know, your brother.
You guys are out there.
You guys are on the front lines for the family.
You know, you got cancer on the horizon, but you guys got it in your scopes with your hearts, and you guys are caring about each other, dude, and just trying, you know.
Man, it's crazy how much my brother is.
It makes me think of my own brother.
And I'm sure there's a lot of people, you know, whoever's listening to this bullshit right now that are thinking about their brother, man.
Dude, my brother used to make me listen to all of his music.
That's the only thing I knew about music.
It's still only the type of music I really even know.
People ask me about music.
I'm like, I don't know.
I listen to maybe Rodney James Dio, Tesla.
You know, I listen to some NWA.
I listen to whatever my brother listened to.
You know, it's funny when you're young and stuff.
You just want to be your brother so bad.
Even if he beats you.
Like, damn, my brother beat my ass, but damn, bro.
He's awesome.
You know?
You just want to be your brother so bad.
It's so interesting how that happens at that age.
You know, it's a special gift.
I know there's a lot of single, you know, not single kids out there, but hopefully there's a ton of single kids out there, but there's a lot of children that, you know, they don't, what am I talking about?
There's a lot of kids that, yeah, fuck, I don't know, man.
But that's nice, dude.
It's nice that you care about your brother.
I'm glad that he listens, and I'm glad that you listen.
And I'm glad you guys are out there.
I'm glad you got a teammate in the world.
That's what I'm saying.
There's a lot of kids that are just, they're only children.
And they only children, so they don't really get that opportunity.
So it's like we all have this different gift, man.
We all have a, some people got a gift.
Some of it's on the inside.
Some of it's on the outside.
Some of us have a brother.
Some of us don't.
Some of us have a sister.
Some of us have two children.
Some of us can't have children.
Some of us can juggle.
Some of us can't read.
Dude, the guy that can't read, oh, yeah, sucks a lot of the times.
But when he walks back by a fucking bookstore and feels no regret, gold mine of comfort.
There are two sides to the sword.
You know, there's two sides to every sword, bro.
And we just, you know, I don't know.
Fuck.
I don't know anything.
Isn't that amazing?
But I know that you care about your brother.
And that makes me feel good because it make me think about my brother, dude.
My brother's such a weird guy, bro.
And he's so hard on himself, dude.
But he's such a loving guy.
And he tries his best.
And, you know, and we just, he and I were hard on ourselves because we don't, you know, we developed our own sense of what was okay or what wasn't.
And we didn't, you know, nobody was hard on us or easy on us.
And so we didn't even know.
And our brains don't want to leave.
You know, sometimes if you develop your own thing in your head, that thing can sometimes be mean.
You know, and, but I know, man, my brother's like my, you know, he's my idol now.
And he's not perfect and I'm far from that.
And we never will be.
But, you know, we have these little moments sometimes where, you know, he's just everything I always wanted him to be.
And I'll never probably fully be able to let him know that.
But that's some of my journey, you know.
I get to be a brother in this lifetime.
Man, that's cool.
You know, I get to call somebody who has the same blood I have in my body, in their body, and let them know, hey, man, you know, how's that flow going, bro?
We're riding on a risky river, aren't we?
This blood is category four rapids right now, ain't it, brother?
We boiling.
Or whatever's going on.
Anyway, I'm rambling, but thank you guys so much for being a part of this episode.
Whatever that even means.
I feel like it's just sometimes I like going and like turning it into like a radio DJ.
I don't know.
Congrats to Uriah Faber on his win, man.
I'll say this about Uriah Faber, dude.
I've shaken, I bet, probably 6,000 people's hands in my life.
The strongest and heaviest hand I've ever shook in my whole life, Uriah Faber.
That guy has a damn 19-pound hand.
I mean, that guy, look, he got some real, he's real, real handsy, that fella.
He's one of a kind, man.
And congrats to him for coming back.
Just for having that, you know, giving himself that chance and taking that risk.
That's brave.
You know, I'm fascinated by people that are brave around me constantly.
And thank you guys for calling in.
You guys, be good to yourselves, man.
I'm going to try it.
We're going to make it.
We're going to make it.
I'm going to play this on the way out, actually, because, you know, this is Bishop Gunn making it.
Ah!
I ain't seen home in about a hundred days.
I can almost hear mama pray for my restless soul.
And I ain't made a dollar, I ain't spent.
But where it's going ain't killed me yet.
I still get where I'm bound to go.
I'm making it.
I'm making wrong feel right.
I'm making it.
And if hell's where I'm headed then I'm making good time guitar solo Gang, gang, man.
Most all of my plans slip right through my hands and wind up next to me, broken on the ground.
Dude, I wish I was a singer, bruh.
If this bottle was an hourglass, I'd say that I'm about an hour past the minute.
I should have put it down.
I wouldn't wear pants if I was out there if I was a singer.
But I'm making it.
I'm making the feel right.
I'm making it.
And it helps where I'm heading there.
I'm making good time Halfway to Christmas, guys.
We can do it.
We can do it.
We got this.
Between the hearts and the fear of the most.
I left here alone in the sleep.
But I'm in pretty good shape For the shape that I'm in I'm making it I'm making it I'm making wrong feel right I'm making it I'm making it I'm making good time I'm
making it I'm making it I'm making it I'm making it I'm making it I'm making it And it helps where I'm headed I'm making good time I'm making it Man, bro, we making it, dude.
We making it.
You're gonna make it today.
I promise you.
I promise you.
We all gonna make it, man.
We all.
We're all special women.
We're all special needs.
You know, we all.
You know, but Santa's coming, bro.
Gang, man.
You guys be good to yourselves.
Thank you for being here for me today.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voices today.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
So we are easy to deal with.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy-bloody white guy.
Tommy.
I don't think a quarter bottle of kids added a quarter.
I think Tom Hanks just bugged out me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule.
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