Christmas Spectacular with Will Sasso | This Past Weekend #158
Will Sasso joins This Past Weekend for our Christmas Spectacular. This episode brought to you by… Skillshare https://skillshare.com/theo 2 months of Skillshare for just $0.99 Hello Fresh https://hellofresh.com/theo60 $20 off your 1st 3 boxes Scentbird https://scentbird.com/weekend Grey Block Pizza 1811 Pico Blvd. Santa Monica, CA http://bit.ly/GreyBlock Music “Shine” - Bishop Gunn http://bit.ly/Shine_BishopGunn Gunt Squad Aaron Jones Aaron Rasche Aaron Stein Adriana Hernandez Aidan Duffy Alaskan Rock Vodka Alex Hitchins Alex Person Alex Sideris Alexander Contreras Amanda Sherman Andrea Gagliani Andrew Valish Andy Mac Angelo Raygun Angie Angeles Anna Winther Anthony Schultz Arielle Nicole Ashley Konicki Audrey Harlan Ayako Akiyama Bad Boi Benny Baltimore Ben Beau Adams Yoga Ben Deignan Ben in thar.. Ben Limes Benjamin Streit Big Easy Brian Martinez Brian Szilagyi Bryan Reinholdt Bubba Hodge cal ector California Outlaw Campbell Hile Carla Huffman Casey Roberts Casey Rudesill Cassandra Miller Chad Saltzman Charley Dunham Christian from Bakersfield christian prado Christopher Becking Christopher Stath Clint Lytle Cody Cummings Cody Kenyon Cody Marsh Cory Alvarez Dan Draper Dan Ray Dave Engelman David Christopher david r prins David Smith David Wyrick deadpieface Deanna Smith Dirty Steve Domonic DoMoreKid Donald blackwell Doug Chee Dwehji Majd Dylan Clune Felicity Black Felix Theo Wren Fernando Takeshi Sato Gabriel Almeda Garrett Blankenship General Moose Ginger Levesque Grant Stonex Greg H Gunt Squad Gary Haley Brown J Garcia J.T. Hosack Jacob Ortega Jacob Rice James banks James Bown James Hunter Jameson Flood Jason Bragg Jason Haley Jeffrey Lusero Jenna Sunde Jeremy Johnson Jeremy West Jerry Zhang Jesse Witham Joaquin Rodriguez Joe Dunn Joey Desrosiers Joey Piemonte John Bowles John Kutch John Slade Johnathan Jensen Jon Ross Josh Cowger Justin L justin marcoux justin shuy Karen Sullivan Katy Doyle Kelly Elliott Ken Comstock Ken Melvin Kennedy Kenton call Kevin Best Kevin Fleury Kevtron Kiera Parr Kigabo Kirk Cahill Kishalin kristen rogers Kyle Baker Lacey Briesemeister Laura Williams Lauren Cribb Leighton Fields Linsey Logan Yakemchuk Lorell “Loretta” Ray Luke Danton Mark Glassy Matt Eckenrode Matt Holland Matt Kaman Matt Leftwich Matthew Azzam Matthew Price Matthew Sizemore Matthew Snow Max Bowden MEDICATED VETERAN Megan Andersen-Hall Megan Daily megan Wrynn Meghan LaCasse Michael E. Ganzermiller Michael polcaro Michael Senkpiel Micky Maddux Mike montague Mike Poe Mike Sarno Mike Vo Mitchell Watson Mona McCune Ned Arick Nick Butcher Niko Ferrandino Nikolas Koob Nyx Ballaine Alta Old McTronald Old Scroat Mccrackin Owen Lide Paddy jay Passenger Shaming Patrick Gries Paul Flores Paul Lococo Peter Craig Peter Shea Philip James Qie Jenkins Ranger Rick Rashelle Raymond Renee Nicol RinDee Roar Hanasand Robert Doucette Robert Mitchell Robyn Tatu Ryan Crafts Ryan Forrest Ryan Garcia Ryan Jordan Ryan Walsh Ryan Wolfe Sam Illgen Sarah Anderson Scott Scott Lucy Scott Swain Sean Scott Season Vaughan Shane Pacheco Shannon Schulte Shawn-Leigh henry Sonja Prazic Stacy Blessing Stahn Johnson Stepfan Jefferies Stephanie Claire Steve Corlew Steven Stoody Sungmin Choe Suzanne O'Reilly Taylor Beall thatdudewiththepaperbag The Asian Hamster Thee shitfaced chef TheGremlin Cafe Tim Bonventre Tim Greener Tim Ozcelik Timothy Eyerman todd vesterse Tom in Rural NC Tom Kostya Tom Reichardt Tommy From England Tommy Redditt Travis Simpson Travis Vowell Trevor Fatheree Troy Ty Oliver Tyler Harrington Tyler Shaver Victor Montano Victoria Adams William Morris William Reid Peters xTaCx Stretch Zech JohnsonSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Today's episode features a man who is swollen with joy.
A man who's probably, when you think about men, probably one of the top, maybe 9,000 men on planet Earth, I bet.
He's a guy, you may know him from Mad TV.
You may know him just from, you know, people love this guy.
He's basically a human Santa.
You know, he's kind of the, he's that South Pole Santa.
He's that sweaty bad boy.
And he's known time after time from different podcasts.
This is no joke the first time he and I have ever really had a conversation because we don't even really know each other.
We just seen each other in the hallway sometimes.
And you got to see him in the hallway because you got to go around him.
I mean, really, it's his hallway.
And I'm just kind of waiting at the corner for him to pass so I can go down it.
Ladies and gentlemen, one of the top 9,000 men, I think I said.
Big Whitey himself, that honky donk, Mr. Will Sasso.
I'll sit and tell you my stories.
Happy holidays, bro.
Happy holidays.
You celebrate Christmas or don't?
I do.
Yeah?
Yeah, I do.
Do you celebrate Christmas?
Oh, definitely.
So this is a safe space to say Merry Christmas.
Oh, definitely.
You can say that here?
Yeah.
I started saying it again.
Yeah, me too.
You know what?
Fuck, people tell me you have to say happy holidays.
No, you say it.
I say Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, because that's kind of what most people are.
That's what's in the area.
Yeah, I don't give a fuck if you have like blonde hair and a little and you know a tiny little face.
I'll still say happy Hanukkah to you.
Yeah, I don't care.
Yeah.
If you can't even read.
When I was growing up, not a lot of people could read like they can now.
So you had to, you know, you couldn't really send a lot of Christmas cards.
You had to tell people.
You had to, you know, tell them to their face.
Yes.
You know?
Like in our area, we didn't really grow up like in the reading area, I guess, of the U.S. or some parts.
I grew up in like kind of like a site.
A non-reading area?
Yeah, more like a non-verbal belt.
And we had, I mean, I remember one of our teachers tried to only teach us.
They only had 18 letters in the alphabet.
Yeah.
Oh, I don't know.
Are we?
Is this the Theo show?
We are.
Oh, welcome to this past weekend, guys.
We got Will Sasso.
Hey, what's up?
One of the probably top 200 or 300 men in America, maybe?
Yeah, yeah.
I made the, well, this past year I was in the, just edged out of the top 200, but I was in the top 300 men in America yet.
And who do people, a lot of times, who beat you out for that?
Like, is there a guy you're always neck and neck with?
Yeah, there's a guy named, well, there's a guy named Dale Fuzz who lives in Kentucky.
Oh, yeah.
Who he's a school bus driver and he's a man.
And him and I go back and forth a lot.
We got a lot of the same type of man thing.
See that D-Fuzz, dude.
And 6161.
Sometimes the bus drivers will get that horn, the horn from a rig, you know, put in the bus.
Put in the bus.
Or if you're, in Dale's case, he has one of those, just this sort of thing, so he can work this arm because he's also the high school football coach.
Oh, yeah.
So, yeah, but Dale's got it like that.
And we both like smoked meats and shit.
So we kind of go back and forth.
Me, him, Kevin James.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, I could see that.
Hovering around that 200, Mark?
Yeah, yeah.
I'm always fighting for that 200 in men's magazine.
Man magazine.
Top 200 men.
Do you...
I don't know.
I don't know.
If I'm remembering your name, it seems like, oh, he could be any size.
I'm about 165 pounds right now.
No, you're not.
I'm about 165, 170 pounds.
Are you saving up weight for something?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm getting ready for the for the Dale Fuzz story.
Yeah, we're going to shoot the Dale Fuzz story.
Yeah.
That's pretty cool.
It's independent, so we'll see.
Who else is in it?
See what happens.
Well, Dale Fuzz has a cameo.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So he's playing a bus driver, obviously.
Yeah.
Yeah, so that'll be fun.
And it's me, him, Tony Collette.
Oh, yeah.
Harlan Williams.
Harlan Williams.
Okay, yeah, you read the Hollywood Reporter.
Gary Buscemi.
Gary Buscemi, who finally gets a role after all these years, you know, being in the shadow of his little brother Steve.
So it's going to be a good, it's going to be a good flick.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I can see that, man.
Is there a movie that you wanted to be in that you weren't in?
I probably would have.
Well, I was a little, maybe it was a little before my time, but I kind of like to, I like, you know, I'll watch Apocalypse Now and think that Marlon Brando was pretty good in that role, but I could probably could have, I don't know, it would have been one or two or not quite an embryo.
I could see you in Coach.
Have you ever seen Coach?
The TV show?
Yeah.
Yeah, I love that show, actually.
It wasn't one of my favorite shows, but I could always watch it.
Watch it.
Yeah.
That was watchable TV.
Yeah.
It's gone a little bit on the wayside, man.
Yeah.
The first like 25 years of that show were good.
The past 17, 18 years of that show haven't been as good as the first quarter century.
There's Coach right there.
There's Coach.
Yeah.
Did you ever meet that guy?
No, what's his name again?
Dale Hanson, I think.
Dale Hansen?
That is Craig T. Nelson.
Craig T. Nelson.
Never met him.
No, I've never met Craig T. Nelson.
Wow.
And the other fellow is Jerry Van Dyke, Dick Van Dyke's brother.
Is it really?
Yeah, the older fellow.
I met Dick Van Dyke at the comedy store one.
Oh, really?
Yeah, he was like 140 years old.
He's an EZM.
Yeah, that's Jerry Van Dyke.
Wow.
Yeah, and yeah, Dick Van Dyke is amazing.
He is amazing.
I follow him or his wife on Instagram or Twitter.
I can't remember.
And I mean that to say he doesn't post, but his wife posts shit of him.
On his behalf.
Which is amazing.
Because this is Rob Petrie, for fuck's sake.
Petrie.
You know, if you think of the old Dick Van Dyke show, the guy's been around for 100 years.
And he's like, and she just shoots little videos of him, like dancing and cracking jokes.
And he's fucking more entertaining than he's on the top 100 man list.
Is she a pretty hot lady?
Is she a pretty hot?
I think if you're a 100-year-old man, not that, you know, I don't want to be ageist, and I'm sure he could probably, you know, he probably does very well with the ladies.
What's wrong with Crystal, do you think?
What's wrong with Crystal?
Fuck, I don't know if we have enough time.
If you had to pick six things, dude, because I don't want to be mean.
Six things.
Holy shit.
Let me just say right now, I'm keeping the sand hat on, but it's hot as fuck in here.
It's not that hot now.
What happened?
You said you were burning a candle?
You have to tell them what happened.
Oh, what happened?
Well, we had a guy in here who had Tourette syndrome.
That has nothing to do with how hot.
You left a lot of heat.
Also, you don't know how to wear clothes.
You would maybe be cooler.
Yeah, I do not know how to wear clothes.
If I learned a thing or two about wearing clothes.
Dude, black is a hot, hot.
That's all I wear.
That's all I fucking wear.
Well, right there, dude.
I like to keep it hot.
You probably got a lot of heat hibernating.
What temperatures does your body run at, you think?
Ooh, I don't know.
Have you ever taken a steak and done a sous vide on a steak?
Okay, so sous video.
Well, it's basically just preheating the fats and the meats together.
You put it in a sous vide bag, and you can even get a special sous vide pot, and then you hang the little steak over in there, and it just sort of essentially, when you take it out of there, you could eat it like that.
You wouldn't want to.
Is it good?
Well, then you throw it on the grill.
So then the inside, so you don't have a steak that the inside's cold, but you're outside.
I mean, if you're me, you like it Chicago or Pittsburgh style.
Oh, yeah.
Charred on the outside, rare on the inside.
I like a Pittsburgh style, a little bit of pink eye on the edge.
Yep, that pink eye, that ripple, that balloon knot inside.
So if you do the sous vide and then you throw it on the grill or in your pan, then and so the outside's all, so a sous vide is about 180 degrees Fahrenheit, maybe 181.
So yeah, I can just like, you know, sit, I'll sit, I could just put a steak between my legs or under my arms.
What is wrong with Delia?
No, he's good.
Wait, hold on.
Let's think of something.
Yeah, I guess he's all right.
I guess.
Well, what's wrong with Brian?
Brian Callan?
Yeah.
Brian's strong for a little guy, for like an older guy.
Yeah, he's a very strong 63-year-old man.
Damn.
Dude, he has to be worrying about existence, you know?
Yeah.
Yeah, he must be worrying about his mortality.
I'm 43 years old, and I have those sort of things where I'm like, oh, I'm staring at mortality going, I literally shouldn't eat that.
Wow.
Because I could go to sleep and not wake up again.
Really?
Well, why not?
Why not?
Crazier things have happened.
And what kind of items are those that you're, you know, that you have, like, you know, you're having those, you know, kind of dining fears of?
Well, if I have, like, you know, some of my pals over, we're just going to hang out, order a pizza, watch a movie, seems innocent enough.
I'll look at that third or fourth slice of pizza, and that'll be the waypoint for me.
That'll be the...
Does it feel weird walking over to a pizza box for the fifth slice?
Does it feel weird walking over to the pizza box for a fifth slice?
No, I think if you're, I think once you get past three, then you're not worried about your own.
If you're worried, if you think about your own mortality in pizza, then every walk to the pizza box should be, should be.
Yeah, but then your friends leave.
There's one or two slices left.
And what do you do with them?
I don't want to throw them away, would you?
I don't know.
What are you going to do?
You're going to throw them away?
I don't know.
You don't want to throw them out in the car.
That's what's wrong with Dahlia and Callan.
Oh, yeah.
They're pizza-ignoring motherfuckers, just like you.
I bet you just don't give a shit.
Oh, I haven't eaten this year.
I bet you're one of those motherfuckers that has like a pizza box in their fridge.
Don't eat that.
It's old.
Old, you dick?
It's been in there.
That shit's been in there a week.
And you didn't eat it?
I'm going to force you to eat it now.
Yeah, those guys are really wild, man.
Those guys are assholes.
See, dude, we don't even know each other.
No, we don't really know each other.
And it's awesome to be here to actually...
This is the most...
And once we're finished, this will be like 1,000% more than we've ever spoken to each other.
We've really only seen each other through Brendan and Brian over here and Chris.
And you, so you were a mad TV or an improv artist.
I know that.
Yeah, I was, you know, just acting on, you know, stuff.
Yeah.
Do you feel, were you always an actor?
Were you always like a class clown or what were you?
Like, what was, because some people get into, you know, comedy, they're class clowns.
Some people, you know, they're writers and they think of it.
Some people, you know, come at it from more of like a creative space.
Like, what was some of your stuff?
I was a class clown.
Really?
Were you a class clown?
I was, but just verbally, I didn't do any, you know, I wasn't, you know, doing anything physical.
What do you mean?
I would just verbally say something like, you know, like somebody would be like, my mom died.
Like the teacher one time was like, my mom died, you know, and I was like, prove it, you know.
But I would never get up and like, you know, juggle or show my asshole.
Or like that.
yeah, well, class clowns.
I don't know if showing your asshole.
When we were kids, when I mean, I've got some years on you, but generationally speaking, when we were younger, it was okay to get up, stand in your desk, and show your asshole to anybody.
That would have been funny.
Now you're going to have problems because it's just a much more piece of people.
Well, we had a dude, Mr. Patrick, he'd give you 20, 40 bucks.
He'd walk about 60 feet from you, show you his asshole.
As long as you looked at it, you kept the money.
That's fucking amazing.
You know?
And is that pedophilia?
I don't know what that is.
That's art.
That's an ATM.
Yeah, that's kind of art.
Yeah, that's an ATM, dude.
Yeah.
That's amazing.
That's ass to money, dude.
You know?
But yeah.
And as long as he would only look, he kind of looked back once to make sure you were locked in, dude.
And I didn't feel like, you know, I didn't like watching him take his belt off, but I didn't mind seeing his asshole from far away.
Who gives a fuck?
It's just another man's asshole at that point.
Back then, pedophiles were pedophiles.
Oh, yeah.
You knew if it was a pedophile.
Yeah, they had a van.
They were yelling, I'm a pedophile.
Yeah, that's right.
I'm a pedophile.
But a guy showing his asshole from 60 feet away.
Yeah, what is that?
It'd be kind of hard to fuck with that in court.
Yeah.
How far away was he?
60 feet.
Prosecution approached the bench.
I mean, wasting everybody's time.
He fucking showed the kids his asshole.
How far away was he?
Different times.
Except look at the security footage.
Dude, we had a dude, I remember, in the woods, and we thought he was a, he said he was a private investigator.
He was a peeping Tom.
Really?
Out there for like two months, yeah.
And finally, we're like, oh, this dude's just looking at everybody's ass through the windows and tits at night.
Right.
This dude's just out here hunting single mom fucking nipple at night.
Yeah.
If you had a camera on him late at night, you'd see him prying his asshole open to no one.
And that's a real freak.
We had a guy.
See, I grew up in a small town outside Vancouver.
Oh, wow.
You're Canadian.
Yeah.
I'm from Canada.
And it was kind of awesome.
Kind of a country-ass town called Ladner.
Beautiful, beautiful place surrounded by like, there's the water on this side from the Fraser River, and then it's just all farmland.
So we were.
This water's cold, huh?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Very cold.
Not in the summer.
Yeah.
You can go swimming.
But you wouldn't want to swim anyway.
It's gross.
But because, you know, it's a river.
Oh, yeah, dude.
That's how I got Pink Eye out there in Pittsburgh.
Yeah, that's how you like that statement.
Menanga Hayek.
Oh, dude.
My buddy got a blowjob.
He used to be the Pittsburgh Parrot.
He got a blowjob in an abandoned swimming pool on the south side in an empty swimming pool.
Friend of mine.
Anyway, in Pittsburgh, go ahead.
No, no, no.
We're talking about Ladner.
I would have loved if that story just ended with my friend.
My buddy got a blowjob.
Anyway, go ahead.
So, yeah, Ladner was this sort of country town, and there was a pedophile.
Oh, yeah.
His name was Albert something.
Oh, yeah.
And it was in Harbor Park where there was a bunch of just feral bunnies and rabbits and hares and jackrabbits and shit.
And he was in there in a tent, you know, as the lore dictated.
And if you went in there and got molested, it was your fault because there was one guy and he was in this fucking don't go in Harbor Park towards sunset.
You know, that's where they're doing it.
Yeah, that's where it's all happening because it was a more innocent time.
And I'll tell you right now, I can't think of anything off the top of my head, but if a teacher or an educator of any kind pried his asshole open from 60 feet away in Ladiner, British Columbia in the 1980s, early 90s, I don't think anyone would have given a fuck.
Yeah.
I don't think anybody would have either.
I don't think anybody still cares, really.
Does anybody really care?
Or is it just people who want to be like, oh, you know, look at this evil person?
People want to feel better about themselves.
Yes.
People, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, absolutely.
That's sort of, that's, you know, that's what's going on today.
If we had a dude who used to give you, he had like, just, he'd always have raisins in his pockets, individual raisins, and he'd give you a couple of them.
We had a dude, my dad had a friend, and he'd put cinnamon on the fucking palm of his hand and let you lick it off.
And this was probably...
And one of his feet was longer than the other one.
Extra foot.
He was black.
And he had like half of an extra foot.
So you know black.
out the bottom of it?
Well, black people are always trying to show off, you know, He had like a lift on his shoe.
One of his feet wasn't that long.
Oh, one of his feet.
Oh, I thought you meant he had like two feet stacked like a sandwich.
No.
Like a foot sandwich with no crazy footbread sandwich.
He had a two-story foot.
Yeah, a two-story foot.
Oh, my goodness.
Just a stacked, just a Big Mac foot.
Two patties.
Hey, what town?
So what city are you near?
I'm near New Orleans.
Oh, okay.
So this town was just fucked up.
Yeah, I mean, we had regular people around there, but my dad had this dude, this guy, and he would just pay him to kind of stand around us sometimes.
And he, yeah, he always had a little bit of cinnamon in his hand.
And this one I was young, now there's cinnamon anywhere.
There's Vietnamese cinnamon.
There's fucking, you know, you could beat the cinnamon out of a fucking Korean if you hit them hard enough.
Yeah, they got some in their pockets.
I'm not believing any fucking Korean city.
Well, that's what I'm saying.
Everybody's keeping secrets.
Everybody's got some cinnamon.
Everybody's keeping secrets.
And a lot of people kind of, I would imagine a lot of people, a lot of your viewers and listeners, you know, kind of go like, well, what is the, you know, what's the secret?
Like, what's going on in Hollywood?
Because they think like, it doesn't matter how people like you or me get it, come across people.
They always think we're hiding something.
Yeah.
And that's what I have to say to your audience, especially the young people out there.
If you beat the fuck out of someone hard enough, you'll get that cinnamon.
Oh, yeah.
And that could be, I could be speaking in metaphor, or we could be speaking quite literally about, you know, your friend with the cinnamon in the palm.
Yeah.
I mean, we could be talking, I'm talking spice work.
Yeah.
So you never know.
But look, dude, I've always been really fond of Canadians, and they've grown on me over time.
You know, and I wouldn't mind in a next life or if things get a little hairy here, a little more hairy in the U.S., I could move up to Canada.
I know a lot of people that are talking about it.
100%.
Not Dalia or Callan.
That's another thing wrong with them.
They don't like Canadians.
That's crazy.
Yeah, I've never told them that I'm Canadian.
Really?
It's been all the time that we've known me.
Yeah, I never thought you would be Canadian, man.
You seem like a guy that wouldn't be Canadian, but now I'm not surprised once you did tell me.
What is it about me that you think is Canadian and what isn't?
You just seem a little more kindred than an American.
You seem to have more of a good nature, more of like at peace with yourself, a little bit more Americans.
I seem a lot more like just volatile and unsettled, you know?
Okay, yeah, people usually say, Are you Canadian or from Chicago?
Yeah, I could see that.
People think I'm from Chicago because I'm a bigger fella and I'm in comedy.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's kind of the thing.
Look at this guy right here out of Wisconsin.
That's Harley right there.
And did you ever do drugs and alcohol?
No.
No, I never got into.
Well, I drank.
I could drink like a piece of shit with my buddies, you know, growing up.
I actually haven't had a drink in a long time, but I just recently, about a year ago, reintroduced some red wine.
Yeah, I hadn't had a drink in like six years.
But I never, now I know, I know that you've gone through the pain.
Yeah, I don't drink.
Yeah, and I agree with that.
As a matter of fact, I got there just kind of, you know, I never really, it wasn't something that I did too often drinking.
So it wasn't like, oh, I need to stop this for, you know, any of the reasons that, you know, a lot of people haven't having trouble.
I just, it just didn't agree with me.
I feel like it doesn't agree with me.
I feel like it doesn't agree with anybody.
It really is fucking weird.
It's sort of socially accepted.
It's a drug that's so socially accepted because, I mean, you know, whatever.
We could talk about it.
It's interesting, though.
I'm starting to think that it's old-fashioned.
I'm starting to think a little bit of it's old-fashioned, especially nowadays.
I see everybody as using mushrooms, magic mushrooms.
Yeah, absolutely.
Or, you know, whatever, you know, the shit that comes from the earth and whatever your opinion is on that.
You know, certainly things like marijuana or, you know, I've never done mushrooms or anything, but it's like the shit comes from the earth.
And you think about like alcohol goes through all this different process, whether you're brewing or distilling.
Denver, half of it goes through Denver.
You know, half of it was through Milwaukee.
Yeah, it has to go through Milwaukee or Denver.
And then you have like Scott Elliott going, Coors, the banquet beer.
Because it's the water in Colorado.
All that Coors has to go through Colorado.
The Rocky Mountain.
Wait.
Coors, the banquet beer.
That's pretty good.
It needs work.
Let me try it, man.
Yeah.
Coors, the banquet beer.
Yeah.
You sound like Scott Elliott just woke up.
Is it Scott Elliott?
Who's Scott Elliott?
He's the guy with the mustache.
Do you have to use so many cuss words?
Why am I doing this?
Sam Elliott.
Oh, Sam Elliott.
What did I say?
Scott Elliott?
Yeah.
See, I'm doing a perfect Scott Elliott.
It's his younger brother, Ala Jerry Van Dyke.
Why am I doing this when I have a mustache?
What if somebody got their finger cut off and just put installed right there?
You just go into a lab and have your finger cut off and sewn to your thing.
Oh, is this it?
You're going to play banquet beer?
Strong-willed, you do it your own way.
When you're uncompromising, second fest never crosses your mind.
When you're set in your ways, you stay true to yourself.
If you can drink to that.
You have too many animals?
How many animals do you have, man?
I got no animals.
Really?
Then what are you doing, dude?
You got a family or not?
No, you?
Well, something's going on then.
What's going on?
Because it's starting to seem kind of weird.
Yeah, it is starting to seem kind of weird.
Even though we've only known each other through this podcast.
It's immediately weird when you're like a 43-year-old man.
I mean, obviously, I'm dressed like a kid.
You started talking about bad feelings.
Yeah.
I'm wearing Santa hat.
I've got a mustache where my nails.
You want to lick my palm?
Coors.
Coors.
The banquet beer.
The banquet beer.
Yes, Your Honor.
I did show those children my asshole, but I was 60 feet away.
Coors.
The banquet beer.
Dude, Coors will make you do that, huh?
You know, enough Coors will make you do that.
Oh, dude, we used to have a lot of gays would meet up behind a rest area bar in our town, you know, because I grew up across a river from a rest area.
And I don't think they have rest area in Canada.
Rest area in America is where you stop on the interstate to fucking drugs, kill a spouse, leave a kid.
You know what I'm saying?
It's basically, it's like a halfway house, but it's unincorporated, you know?
And they had a lot of the gay, you know, homoerotic men, sorry, would meet up behind there and do drugs and start touching each other.
Not even necessarily homosexual, just homoerotic.
Yeah, because a lot of this was drug-induced.
Yeah, it was a guy like Dale Fuzz.
He gets a bunch of those like Spanish fly or fucking stay-up-all-night baggies at the gas station.
And then pretty soon Fuzz is like, you know.
Dude, I met a girl in Miami over by Joe's Crab Shack and bought nine of those gas station, you know, dick pills.
This is when they first came out.
Bro, couldn't 1960.
I couldn't bend my fingers, right?
And my nose kept bleeding.
Jesus.
Dude, and I was up all night.
You couldn't bend your fingers?
Any of them.
And I would go through each one and try to bend them.
You're lucky to be alive.
That is fucking.
Oh, dude, my nose was bleeding.
I must have lost.
I don't know how much, you know, how much blood I lost that night.
But anyway, but that was the first time I've read Snow Crab.
I remember that.
Yeah, it's a good thing you remember that, even though your brain was bleeding.
But you hung on to that lovely memory.
But they had one time, me and my buddy go in the woods, me and my buddy Jeremy, we go in the woods, and they had two dudes out there shooting potatoes with one of those slingshots across the river.
Nice.
If gay guys would get together and start making out.
If they were on drugs, if they're just gay guys meeting up, having a picnic, that's no harm, no foul.
How would you know?
Because they'd have like a little Christmas, a little picnic.
No, these guys knew.
They could just tell if they were two dudes on fucking methamphetamines.
Yeah.
Wouldn't normally.
So basically, they felt like they were doing an anti-homoerotic service by saying, you don't really want to have sex with that guy.
I'm saving your marriage.
That's cool.
Now, it would have been funny, I think, if they'd have done sweet potatoes, you know, because I think that would have kind of added like a cute thing.
Yeah, because then the guy would get hit in the eye and go, what the fuck?
But I think they wanted to prevent sexually transmitted diseases.
Yeah, come into their town.
You fucking come into the rest stop, you fucking, you infect everybody with your disease, and then you roll on, you got a bunch of frozen chicken, you're the fuck out of here.
Yeah.
And we have to deal with it in our town.
They were doing a public service.
You got a bunch of herpie, you know, spotted up Tyson cutlets and you're rolling out of town.
Yeah, and you're rolling out of town.
Yeah, you're doing 95 miles an hour with 6,000 pounds of fucking chicken.
You don't give a shit.
A fucking dirty chicken.
Yeah, there's no regulation at all.
We're here with these fucking potatoes because we got a bunch of these in a field behind us.
You ain't coming locally, brother, on our watch, you know?
Not here.
So that was it.
It was kind of a different time.
I don't know what we're talking about, but yeah, it was just a different time.
But it was a different time.
It was like, you know, people could enjoy themselves a little more.
Oh, sure.
Yeah, back then.
Well, now, especially, I mean, you look at how things are changing exponentially.
Every time I read a story, every time I sort of get into it, into the, you know, whatever, there's so many manner of things that are changing rapidly.
And we're two white dudes.
So when you kind of go like, oh, well, here's what's going on, you know, socially, whether it's a regional thing like what happens here in California, whether it's a gender thing, which is, you know, all over the country and most parts of the Western world, what's changing and how fast it's changing.
I can't even believe.
You'll see some things now that you go like, that was 2016 and you feel like so much has changed.
Wow.
I'm curious, you know, as a stand-up, does that, because I was listening to something with like, anyway, well, I'll ask you, because I was listening, I was watching this thing on YouTube and some stand-ups were talking about it.
Has it affected you and what you do?
You know, I think I looked at an old set from like eight years ago or something.
I was on Comedy Central and I don't think I felt weird about having it up still.
Ah, yeah.
So that was interesting.
But I also noticed that like, like, I'll go on things like JK News if you've ever been on their show.
It's a good show, and they're all diversity and fucking, who knows, bro.
It's so mixed over there, you can't even, you know, it's basically, you might as well be in a war 50 years ago.
You know, everybody's, it's pretty diverse.
So anyway, you're over there and they talk about all the funnest stuff.
They talk like we used to talk 15 years ago.
Well, I kind of feel like...
These are Latinos, Koreans, Asians.
They don't give a fuck.
They have fun, and it's a fun show to be on.
They're not minding their P's and Q's.
No.
It's only when I get into like this side of the tracks, where I'm in the Hollywood side where it's easy to get.
Well, you know, and whatever.
I mean, I'm not the first to say this.
But, you know, it is a lot of fucking white guilt.
There's a lot of white, just white people are people who are of the, I don't even know what you would, I don't even know how you would label the culture outside of saying just PC, or you could say like, you know, lefty or whatever the fuck you want to say, Hollywood left, whatever, that are, you know, that are mostly changing that.
But when you think about just being able to cut loose, regardless of what line you're on, what side of the line you're on, it feels like, I mean, when I got here to LA, it was like, there was no fucking problem.
You could say whatever the fuck you wanted.
And we used to do shit on Mad TV.
I couldn't believe what we were doing.
I was, you know, like a young dude and I showed up.
I'm like, can we, can we say that?
And, you know, and then pretty soon you get your feet wet and you're like, what about this?
And it was, it was great because people still got along and everything.
But it's hard to deny.
You know, it's, it's, you, of course, want to listen to everybody's take.
And you, of course, don't want to, you know, I've never wanted to do comedy to hurt anyone's feelings.
As a matter of fact, I kind of left Mad TV going, I'm not even comfortable making fun of fucking celebrities anymore.
Wow.
Because, well, not like making fun.
Like if there's something to make, even if there was something to make fun of, if there's some sort of scandal, I was like, like, I would do like, you know, my impersonations and shit or anything that was specifically targeted at celebrities.
I would always try to make it silly and stupid and not about anything real.
Yeah, I didn't want to do the stuff that was that was, you know, pointedly mean.
So, but that's just me.
And so, of course, I want to pay attention to, I don't think the comedy should exist to make people feel bad.
Right.
I think it should do the opposite.
So you can't help but, but, or I can't help but kind of pay attention to people who are like, well, that's fucked up and that hurts people's feelings.
I'll listen to that shit all day long.
I'm already not very offensive.
I'm not very offensive at all.
And most of the work I do, most of the shit that I'm doing 9 to 5 is acting anyway.
Right, you can, yeah, you're always behind it.
But nowadays, the stuff that if I'm working on something, creating something and developing something, it's like it comes into my mind, but it's.
Oh, I see.
Yeah, you got it.
But podcasts, you can still say it on some.
Do you feel like that?
Yes.
I think mostly because of the way podcasts are set up.
No one's really going to go through.
I mean, right now it's still the wild.
And nobody's really going to listen to them.
No one's going to listen to an hour and a half of a fucking podcast and pick out the...
Ozarks.
I was watching something that was making me laugh.
Yes, Ozark.
No, I was just watching some.
The second season's not as funny.
Not as funny as the first season.
It's like Coach.
The end of the first season with that electric boat.
Did you see that one?
No, what happened in that?
Am I forgetting how to wear clothes again?
I don't know.
Damn, dude.
Yeah, you look like a fuck.
Here's what you look like, dude, a panda bear that has definitely been doing crime.
I'm like going to go steal fucking bamboo out of the airwon.
Voldemarket.
You look like a dude Voldemort?
Voldemort?
That word that goes shopping at a market all the time.
Voldemarket.
No, I was just watching something and then one guy called the other guy like a gay slur, but they were really angry at each other.
And it made me laugh so fucking hard because it made me laugh.
Nowadays, it makes me laugh because half of it is like, you can't.
What are you doing?
You can't fucking say that.
And then the other half is like, damn, back in the day, we used to say whatever the fuck we wanted.
That's wow.
And you would, it's like, you would even call people shit that, I mean, you want to talk about calling people shit that technically they're not, which is what makes it funny.
I mean, you could call people anything now, you can't, but also, I kind of feel like the wokeness is coming from people look at the history and they go, Look, this is just my opinion.
I don't think people that aren't black shouldn't be saying the n-word.
I think the black people say the n-word and it's their word to own and they can do whatever the fuck they want with it.
White people shouldn't say that word.
By that logic, there's a bunch of shit that people who are not should not say.
Right.
So if it's something that can become a different term between, you know, within that community, whether it's, you know, the gay community or the black community or whatever, they get to govern.
That's just, that's just me.
But that's, that's a societal opinion.
It's my own opinion.
There are no fucking rules.
Well, we had a guy, you know, we got a guy coming up on an episode that has Tourette's, and he was telling me how you can't even have Tourette's these days because you right.
Tourette's you can't even have a disease.
Tourette's is offensive, dude.
He said he's got a lot of young dudes hitting him up with Tourette's, asking him how to best, you know, hide the N-word if he yells it out at a Ramada or something.
And if you've ever been to a Ramada, it's hard to not drop it a couple times.
You know what I'm saying, dude?
They got all kinds of crime at those places.
I was watching a thing.
There's a clip online.
But think about that.
You can't even have a disease anymore.
You can't have Tourette's.
You can barely be from Nicaragua.
What do you mean?
Without offending somebody, you better say it clear and pronounce the C. That's right.
That's right.
Absolutely right.
I mean, it's just a different time.
I'm not even going to get into some of the African countries.
Oh, dude.
When I'm having sushi, bro, I order the Najiri, bro.
Nigeri.
Yeah, yeah, that's right.
You're a playing games.
You said GIF instead of GIF.
That's how safe you are.
Oh, dude.
You got to be safe.
Because you've got to say that and train your tongue so that you can get the Najiri sushi.
Hi.
May I have two pieces of salmon najiri?
I don't even say nidgeri.
I used to say nidgeri.
Nidgeri is good too.
Anything to get you away.
You get what you do, man.
These are social things.
It's all for us to decide.
There are no pointed rules.
I mean, who are we going to listen to?
You make up your own.
So if you want to say najiri.
But do you think, though, that people start, like now, though, like it's funny because a lot of times the only people that are allowed to be safely made fun of on television anymore are like poor white people.
And that's where I'm from.
And that's what makes me mad because it's like, well, fuck you.
It's way harder to be poor.
What about rich white people?
And to me, the only people that still even own black people or own anybody in the world anymore are executive producers or people that own the rights to people.
Like if you want to look at, that's the only ownership going on anymore.
If you want to look at like that guy who's on the Cosby show, he's out there, you know, stacking fucking, you know, little quantum com quats.
And then they're saying, oh, he don't have any money.
Somebody's making money off of him being on TV every week.
Jeffrey Wright.
You know, a white guy.
Or Bill Cosby.
Which one are you talking about?
Jeffrey Owens.
Not the Olympian.
I only remember half of people's names.
Yeah.
I like that.
Yeah, Jeffrey Owens.
Not the Olympian.
Yeah, you mean Daniel Claus?
No.
Santa Claus.
Yeah.
Hey, have you heard about this new, this guy, Brad Trump?
Hey, guys, what's going on with Brad Trump?
You think Mexicans should be deported?
How about that haircut of yours, Brad Trump?
I don't know what happened.
I went out there.
I gave him my Brad Trump.
I got really good stuff on Brad Trump and nobody...
Do they have what kind of evil do they have in Canada that they don't have in America, do you think?
Beavers.
Oh, yeah.
Think about that.
Yeah, we got beavers.
Dude, we got cats.
Like I was dating a girl.
She had two cats and I couldn't imagine if she had two beavers over there.
Yeah, that would be, that's fucked up.
Because when you're in Canada and you're just like dating a girl or me, you know, you know, it's like, it'd be nice to settle down with a night, with a nice Canadian gal as I look forward.
But a lot of times I'll get, you know, I'll meet someone on the, you know, I'll be home for a while or something, or even when I'm fortunate enough to get to work up there.
And, you know, you meet a girl and it's like, oh, this is going good and shit.
And then you finally get back to her place and she has two rabid beavers.
Oh, yeah.
And you go to sleep, like, if it's like shit goes all right.
And then you go to sleep and then you want to use the bathroom in the middle of the night and you get up and all your clothes and shoes and shit are all stacked up by the bathroom door because the beavers made a dam and you can't even fucking get in there.
And you're like, this isn't going to work out.
Yeah, it's really fucked up.
Yeah, you can't do shit.
And what about the Iditter rod?
What happened with that?
Because you guys are doing that with the dogs.
We got the dogs.
Yeah.
And why are they doing that?
Tradition, I guess, you know?
Hey, you know, I shot a film in the Arctic.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, it was nuts.
Doors?
No, I was in a studio, but it costs less to go to the...
Yeah, she does too.
Yeah, Arctic Studios.
I thought you were with it.
You didn't know that.
I did.
Look, I didn't know.
Oh, yeah.
They shot.
Damn, Santa's doing working offseason these days.
They shot all the Wolverine films.
So, no, so we went over in the Arctic and, you know, I'm from Canada.
They kind of, you know, we have more of a, you know, you grow up, you sort of learn what they want you to learn about our First Nations people and stuff.
But I realized how ignorant I was because that snow sledding shit, the dog sleds, that, okay, they don't have, like, they don't have roads that go from town to town in the Arctic.
It's just like, here's a town, and the only way to get anywhere else is by plane, or when the ocean is frozen, that's what they're fucking, they're sledding on.
And I realized just how fucking, it was crazy.
And of course, everyone was so nice and just sweet there.
So they would say like, hey, we're going to go over here to our friend's cabin on snowmobiles or wolf, like sleds, dog sleds.
And they're like, you want to come?
And I'm like, no, there's going to be beautiful.
On Falcor.
Yeah.
Or yeah, Falcor would be a good way to get around the Arctic.
You really went to the Arctic?
Yeah.
Were you shocked by it?
Yeah, a lot of things shocked me about it.
It was crazy.
It was awesome.
It was a very interesting place.
There's definitely a magnet in there.
We were in this town, Ikaluit, which is the capital of Nunavut, which is the Inuit territory up there.
Nunavut, Inuit.
Nunavut, Inuit.
Dude, it sounds like it.
It was a world.
It sounds like something you want nothing to do with.
It was gnarly.
But there was like cool shit.
Like this dude, Maddie, owned this fucking barbecue joint, and he was like from Quebec.
So he had like legit barbecue plays with like, you know, they were, you know, had all sorts of, you know, sam and all kinds of stuff.
Yeah, but they also had like beef and shit.
He was flying it in, and he let me borrow a minivan for a while while I was there.
Yeah.
Do you think, do a lot of people, sometimes when I see people in Canada, it seems like they don't have anything to talk about.
Well, that's because you're American, so they don't want to talk to you about all the Canadian stuff.
I could be a liaison into Canada for you.
For example, a lot of people in Canada, a lot of people think that Canadians are polite.
Not true.
There's a lot of asshole Canadians.
Wow.
But they'd only show themselves as Canadian assholes to other Canadians.
Oh, wow.
Actually, and this is actually well documented, I think.
Like they say people in the South, so you can confirm or deny.
Like the whole like, you know, they'll be like nice to your face, but then, oh, bless her heart, it's this and that.
So the sort of, that's Canadian.
I think we have that in common.
Where, you know, and I mean, people are, people are shitty everywhere.
But I think that's specific.
It's been said a lot of Canadians.
It's like, oh, it's kind of like the sort of sweet part of the South where people are just like, oh, hello.
How are you?
Very proper.
Yeah.
And then behind your back, they'll say all sorts of things.
And they got the voodoo doll in their south.
Yeah, they got Canadian dolls.
You could just get them at the airport.
Any of those things, just like a little beaver doll.
It's actually a Canadian voodoo doll.
Don't be fooled.
Do you feel like hot?
Yeah, man.
It's a little warm.
You were burning a candle in here?
Yeah.
We had a guy with Tourette's in here, too, and he left a lot of heat in the room.
Bro, they're fucking human furnaces like the Amish make them.
They're fucking, it's mesmerized.
I would imagine so.
There's just a lot churning and burning going on.
Oh, they're running at 104 degrees.
I mean, you think of all the curse words just milling around in their body trying to get out.
They could sous you to steak easily.
Oh, dude, a guy cut his, he cut his wrist and a couple of end bombs fell out.
You know, they're fucking.
That's amazing.
They're wild animals.
Yeah.
Dude, let's talk about the strap.
This is last year's strap.
Yes.
Okay.
How do you feel?
This is last year's, man.
I'll let you get a piece, a little hold of that sucker, bro.
It's been collecting dust because I've had it for so long.
It is a beautiful piece of strap, though.
$162, and I had to pay for it myself.
It's like getting a star on the walk of fame.
They're like, congratulations.
Give us eight grand.
Yep.
Yeah.
I turned them down several times.
This is amazing.
Yeah.
That's it, man.
Do you think you have a shot at this year's?
Well, let me tell you something, dude.
No, I don't.
No, I don't think I do.
With your stirring rendition of This Is How We Do It?
Yeah, This Is How We Do It.
That was a good one.
I don't know what the fuck.
It's Friday night.
What are we talking about?
It's always Friday night.
It's like, get a calendar.
Who's saying that, dude?
Somebody with a cheap calendar.
This is how we do it.
It is interesting.
It's Wednesday night.
It would have never gone down that way.
It's Wednesday night.
And we're at the truck shop firing sweet potatoes.
And you're not really gay.
You're cheating on your wife with another dude because you're high on dick pills.
Drug-induced homosexuality.
Fingers can't bend and your nose is bleeding.
Feels so good.
It feels so good.
Along this interstate.
Tonight.
Tonight.
On Wednesday.
I think it's between you and Chris.
I don't.
What are you talking about?
I think D'Elia's got it.
Well, D'Elia has a fucking, I mean.
It's like us, you know?
Yeah, he has a cult.
Who gives a fuck?
He has a cult.
It's like I'm William Wallace, you know?
Or not William Wallace.
I'm fucking Wayne Wallace, you know?
Wayne Wallace.
A couple of brothers and a couple of bad Asian bitches helping me out on the side.
Wayne Wallace.
Sons of Scotland.
You know what I'm saying, boy?
We got a couple of bad bitches right here.
My boy Pete right here.
Let's fucking turn this man child.
That's a good Scottish accent.
Thank you, dude.
I've done Scottish before.
That's Scottish, right?
I think it is, dude.
And he always does this.
He has nine legs, bro.
Yeah, it's easy to do comedy when you have nine fucking legs.
You piece of shit.
Oh, my goodness.
I didn't say piece of shit.
They edited that in.
Yeah.
That's what happens.
That's technology, dude.
And then they got this new ginger guy up there.
Yeah.
Cheeto is his name or whatever.
Get the fuck out of here, bro.
If your parents loved you, they'd give you a decent hair color.
I don't know.
His name is Andrew C. Yeah, where I'm from, dude.
You don't even listen to those guys till they're 40, you know?
Redheads?
Yeah.
Yeah, no, you gotta, you gotta get with the program before you pipe up.
You know what I'm saying?
You little cinnamon stick.
You have to accrue some wisdom as a redhead before you start.
Because he's firing on just ideas.
Yeah, you better be that.
Who's that motherfucker from like Revenge of the Nerds and 30-something?
Don't worry about it.
This is before.
Timothy Busfield.
Timothy Busfield.
We didn't really listen to Timothy Busfield before he turned about 40 years old.
Now he directs.
From Baton Rouge?
Timothy Busfield.
5'11?
Yeah, about 5'8, 5'11, two eyes.
Nose.
Carbon-based life.
This guy died.
Timothy Busfield, I don't know, died.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, I know Timothy Busfield.
I don't know him, but.
That's still alive?
Dude, we should link their families up.
Oh, that would be cool.
Yeah, I. Guess who it is?
It's Timothy.
It's Timothy Busfield.
And you open it.
It's a different one.
And he's like, it's still me.
Oh, that's a great idea.
That is a good idea.
That could be a show.
That could be a good show.
What would it be called, you think?
Assholes.
No, no, dude.
I think.
Name that asshole would be a good thing, like the teacher who showed you his asshole, where you'd have people from your past and they line up 60 feet away and spread their, they fucking pull their meat apart, and you get to look right down the center.
I could name probably style.
I think I could name two from maybe six feet.
There was a picture of me, of my asshole, and I couldn't recognize it.
Oh, wow.
A friend of mine had a bunch of like, speaking of shit you used to do, I guess the guys were all hanging out.
One thing led to another, and I was like mooning one of my friends who was like passed out in a chair from drinking too much, probably.
Oh, that's a Canadian proposal.
I feel like that's a proposal.
Canadian.
You just pull it apart.
But no, but mooning your buddy who's passed out in a chair.
Seems like, you know, that's like a Canadian bon mitzvah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Even if you're a redhead, you're a man after that.
And I just remember I was like mooning him.
It was me.
Oh, wow.
And so this picture, this is like a couple years back.
My buddy's like, hey, check out these old pictures I had developed.
And like went, because he had like one of those disposable cameras.
He's like, uh-oh, what's in this from the 90s.
And he looks at it and it's, and there's a picture.
And I thought it was my buddy Houtman.
I thought it was a different dude.
I'm like, that's not my ass.
Yeah.
And he's like, look, and look at the thing in your head and look at the shirt.
The back of your knees.
I'm like, oh, whoa.
So I'm like, yeah, that's me.
I didn't recognize my own asshole.
Impressive.
Vast, whiter than I thought it would be.
Oh, yeah.
Not as hairy as I thought it would be.
Wow.
Different times, though.
Different times, though.
I mean, a 25-year-old asshole, like my 25-year-old asshole.
I'm sure it's bushy now.
Much bushier.
It's been 18 years since then.
Haven't looked at it.
Haven't looked straight into it.
Wow.
The way I could with a developed picture.
And nowadays, you can't take that picture.
And that's bullshit.
Yeah, nowadays you take that picture into the service lady.
They're like, oh, you're a pedophile or you're a creep.
Yep.
If there was still photo developing places and you brought that in, yeah, you'd be in.
You've got to get your asshole drawn now if you really want a quality shot of it.
Yeah, if you want a beautiful picture of your asshole, you'd have to visit a portrait artist and they'd have to probably sign an NDA.
Mm, I sure do.
Do I sound full or empty?
Well, I'm full because I've got good food in my system.
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I read an article the other day that said maybe 30 or 40% of Americans can't smell, but also over 55% of Americans have body odor or stink.
They used to call it stinking.
Now they call it having body odor.
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What's next after everybody's doing butt activities now on the internet?
What's next, do you think?
What's the next orifice, you know, because we're running out of spots.
Yeah, we're running out of holes.
Yeah, we're running out of holes.
But with all the body modification shit, we might come up with new holes, like pierce some new assholes.
You think?
Yeah, maybe like a new, like a hole.
Actually, that could kind of solve a lot of problems now because with, you know, when they talk about like with regard to gender and pronouns and stuff, if a lot of people just had a hole drilled in their gooch between their balls and their asshole.
Rate me along the median, you know?
Yeah, just put something there in between so that we can all just sort of be one for a while and then figure out maybe in another hole.
A party spot.
Yeah, a party spot.
Yeah, you could give it a nickname, like a little, you know, hole in the wall.
That hole in the wall, we could call it a...
Yeah, Donnie's Last Dale Fuz.
We could call it Sweet Potato.
Yeah.
Ooh, Sweet Potato is good.
Sweet Potato Hole?
The Risotto.
The Risotto, yeah.
Mr. Risotto's Garden.
And you can call it whatever you want.
Yeah, Najiri.
We can call it Najiri hole.
Mr. Risotto's Garden.
Do you think there's a time in your life when you're more obsessed with your body and that it changes over time?
A time when you're more obsessed?
Yeah.
I think when you're like 13 or 14 and you beat off for the first time, you're like, wow, I can do this all by myself.
Oh, you think you're a magician?
Yeah.
That's an interesting time when you realize you can beat up adults.
Or at least for me.
Oh, yeah.
By the time I was like nine years old, I was like, yeah, I could beat up adults.
That's true.
Yeah, did a lot of stuff.
Why the fuck did I take any shit off of anyone?
By the time I was like a giant 10-year-old, big chubby 10-year-old could beat the fuck out of anybody.
Is it hard being a big guy?
What's some of the downfalls of it?
It's the easiest thing in the world.
The only downfall really is being hot as fuck right now in this hottest shit.
It's not too hot.
I'm wearing this and I feel actually comfortable.
You guys okay?
You know, I rotate.
I'm bigger and I'm smaller sometimes.
Again, it's all about my own view of mortality as it relates to that fourth or fifth slice of pizza.
I mostly ignore carbs, so I stay away from carbs.
I'll just eat lots and lots of meat.
What is hard?
You're really a meaty guy, huh?
Yeah.
I've done vegetarian.
I've done pescatarian.
But no, I got to have red meat.
And that's not even my blood type.
Wow.
What else would you like to know about me?
That's interesting.
When did you get into stand-up?
How old were you?
I got in, let me see, 23. That's awesome.
23, 24. Were you still living in Louisiana or were you here?
What was I doing?
I was living here.
I was here.
Yeah.
I don't know how long...
Wait, when...
Yeah.
What did you move here for?
I don't know.
Here's what happened.
A friend of mine lived in San Francisco, and he's like, hey, man, come out and visit me.
So I went out there, and he's not, you know, both of us are, you know, see women.
And I went out there to hang out with him.
And right when I get there, he's like, hey, dude, I'm moving to Los Angeles the day I get there.
Like, what?
He's like, yeah, dude, I need help moving.
So basically, the next thing you know, I came to Los Angeles with him.
And he ended up looking for a place.
He got a room.
And I got a room, $150.
I was sleeping under his bed, my buddy Kevin.
And I got sick.
I got whooping cough, actually.
So I could barely even move for like three months, dude.
It was very scary.
I had whooping cough, which is an ancient disease.
They don't do that in Louisiana?
I don't know, dude.
Somebody else probably got them.
That's how that was.
That was that somebody cutting in line to get you dope over there, you know, over in St. Tammany, Paris, dude.
You know, I knew one dude who got fucking, would never get measles, mumps, or rubella, bro.
Because he cut in line and took everyone else out.
Oh, he had four gallons of fucking anti-venom in him.
You're lucky he probably took your dick pills a few times, saved your life.
Yeah, I've had some.
I've taken a lot of those, boy, those gas station uppers.
One time I popped a couple in the gas station, forgot about it, and got so sick I couldn't even leave the gas station for like an hour and a half.
I had to sit down in one of the aisles.
Dude, those things, the rhino, the ones with the rhinoceros on them, extremely dangerous.
Yeah, don't eat anything with a rhinoceros on them.
I had the same thing happen with gas station Nigeri once.
Oh, really?
Oh, man.
You'll be sitting in the aisle just shitting yourself.
So you moved to L.A. right away?
So then I was down here and I just stayed, man.
I stayed and I stayed for a while.
They had a comedy club down the street from my apartment on San Vicente and I went in there.
They had one night a week and I went in there and then, yeah, I just stayed, I guess.
That's fucking awesome.
Yeah.
Because I would have thought that you would have been, I would have thought you would have been one of those kids who was like, I mean, you're saying you were still, you were a class clown.
Yeah.
And I'm sure, I don't know.
I mean, because, you know, I'm sure you know people like this.
Like, I have friends in my life where I'm like, oh, this fucking guy is so fucking funny.
Oh, yeah.
And he does this or that for a living, like guys, buddies of mine back home or something or friends out here that aren't in the business.
And it's just like, does that person know that they're fucking right?
So that's interesting to me because I would have thought you would have been like thinking about it when you were a kid and going, nuh-uh.
Wow.
I remember seeing it in college one time and being like, people do this?
Wow.
Who is this guy?
Wow.
I thought he was a leper or something.
Right.
Something.
Yeah.
Or whatever that is.
I don't even know what that is.
And I thought, yeah, I remember going and going to the comedy club and be like, wow, it's crazy somebody can do this.
So then I guess whenever I saw the place, I was like, oh, I'll go in there.
And I didn't think I was going to be good at this maybe until like about seven or eight years when I was like, oh, you know, I can actually do, you know, I can do this, you know?
Seven, eight years in?
Yeah.
Wow.
I think I was still a lot of times thinking about not doing it.
You know, I took a break about five years for about six months and just went and got a job bartending in Louisiana.
I don't know.
And then now it's like kind of a full-time job.
Of course.
Were you freaked out the first time you went up or the first few times you went up?
I don't think so.
My dad was so old.
My dad was 70 when I was born.
I talked about that on stage.
So I had like such a piece of material, you know, that it was like undeniable, you know?
So it was like I knew I could get a couple laughs.
After that, I was scared.
I was so scared to stray from anything that I knew was comfortable.
Sure, sure, sure.
And I can't even imagine an improv.
Improv class I took, I could never do that, dude.
Really?
Jesus Christ, dude.
I think you got to be Canadian and do improv because you got to be accepting of others and willing to work with others.
Well, I never really did like improv class or like really?
Yeah, I didn't really come from the improv world like improvisational theater or anything.
You know, personally.
You were just an actor and then that's how you got into it?
Well, I always wanted to goof around and shit.
I was a class clown and I was like, you know, I wanted to, I wanted to do Renaissance fair.
Did you ever do Renaissance Fair?
Yeah, I wanted to do Ren Fairs.
Did you really?
Yeah, I wanted to be the guy.
I wanted to be the town crier, the Ren Fair.
Did you really do it or not?
No, not yet.
Is that your Nick Swartzen impersonation?
That's a good one, actually.
Is that a Nick Schwartzon?
That is definitely a Nick Schwartz impersonation.
The Vikings.
We're going to fucking lose.
I'm going to diarrhea out of my asshole at this bar.
Come hang out.
Diarrhea.
That's Nick Schwartzen.
That's pretty good.
Stephon Diggs.
We're performing tonight in Toronto.
Diarrhea.
No, I'm going to scour the internet too.
That's pretty much diarrhea.
You've never heard him say diarrhea.
Bro, he's dressed up like Prince.
He has on like 90 different colors of like lip polish, and he's like, oh, I'm out here.
What am I even doing here?
Okay, guys, I'll be at Larson's bar and diarrhoea.
And I'll be having, you know, you guessed it, farting him on butt.
Come out, go by, scald me.
Then he vomits into his own lap.
Vomits into his own lap.
It's his closer.
But it's funny, though, man.
He's a great guy, and everybody seems to really love being around him.
You know, he's a real sweet guy.
But I think, you know, you got that wild.
I love the way you bought it back.
I think D'Elia gets the belt next year, you know?
Yeah, I think D'Elia gets the belt.
He can get them to vote.
He's got a very large following on the internet, which is well-deserved.
I don't give a...
I mean, not...
Chris is...
I said, actually, do it.
Now, you've seen that dude.
The bleach media.
Bleach media.
This dude who's been making these really funny videos using taking your heads and our heads and like, you know.
But I remember a couple years ago saying, like, Chris, buy some fucking land and do it.
Like, start an actual cult.
You have an L. Ron Hubbard opportunity here to actually, because his fans are, they're something other.
They're very loyal and he's writing, essentially writing a religion.
this fucking kuda shit yeah he's like you're what I don't know.
I don't know.
He was texting me.
We were texting him.
That's a Brendan Schaub impersonation, too, right?
I love that.
I don't know.
I don't know.
BD, dude.
Where are you going to be, Bri?
Oh, don't eat all the chilies before I get there.
I'll be in New Mexico in 16 months.
Should he have fought him?
Yeah.
Is that a good fight for him?
I don't know.
Yeah.
Hey, how about this?
Don't fight that guy.
I don't know anything about NMA.
Don't fight that guy.
Fight this other guy.
Maybe that would have been a better.
Yeah.
I do marketing, bro.
Black Rifle Coffee.
BDE, dude.
Sounds like he's got some BDE.
I'm mad at you.
I'm mad at you.
Yeah.
Where are you going to be, Bri?
I'll be in Milwaukee.
You can mix it with Nick Swords.
Oh, yeah.
But I told Dalia, like, start an actual cult.
You're writing this stuff.
CUDA.
Like I said, we were texting and he goes, something.
I told him that I ordered these shoes or whatever.
And I sent him the picture of these shoes.
I have seven pairs of shoes, right?
He's got like, you know, too many shoes.
And so I was like, I'll bug him.
I'll go like, you know, hey, I ordered some new new balance, you know, to fuck with him.
And he goes so he can go, fuck those dad shoes.
I ordered a pair of shoes and he was like, yeah, you fucking CUDA.
And I was like, don't, don't do that to me.
Don't say that to me.
First of all, I don't know what that means.
Like, I don't know what your dumb thing.
What does it even mean?
Mean?
What is it?
What is it?
So, so he sounds like a fat girl like stuck in a wishing well, you know?
And they put like a real big girl stuck in a wishing well.
And they throw a ladder down to her.
And they're like, here's a ladder.
And it's like the little bittiest ladder.
And she's like, oh, she's really mad down there.
We got to get a bigger ladder.
She's doing a Crystal impersonation.
So then he told me what CUDA means.
And then I said, well, well, then you're, fuck you, you're a kuda.
And he got really, really upset, upset.
He goes, no, no, I'm not.
Take it back.
And I go, nope.
He is a kuda.
And I was like, you're a kuda.
He goes, no, I'm not.
I'm like, well, what the fuck does he mean?
You can't even tell me what the fuck it means.
Then you're a kuda.
You're a fucking, you know, you're a dancer.
A salmon.
I don't know.
All these different, you know, a mun, a mun.
Not the first, not Bera, just kuda, not salmon.
Dude, he's like a leopard kind of that, you know, isn't really being a leopard and is doing other shit and kind of bothering people.
That's what I think.
Well, I would like for him to bring out the leopard because I know he's the romantic jaguar and I would like romantic jaguars.
That's a good dude.
That's a good monitor.
I watched that like six or seven times.
But I would like for him to start an actual cult.
You know, he doesn't have to go like wild country style.
It doesn't have to be Oregon.
Colorado would be a good spot.
But he wouldn't show up.
He would even show up.
He'd probably have Lenochi shit.
Yeah, he'd show.
Lenocci.
Yeah, he'd.
He's a good fucking guy who's basically a blood donor for him.
Lenochi's basically just.
Like if Chris needs a kidney?
It couldn't be about the comedy.
It's got to be about, you know, the guy has decent plasma levels or whatever.
Yeah, I would.
Because there's no reason he's, you know, he's carting that guy around.
No, yeah, I would wait.
If I were a betting man, I'd say they have the same blood type.
Oh, DC.
He got Lenochi checked out like What's Your Face did and Big Labau.
He's got type O, I bet.
Is it O!
I think Chris could like if Chris went, if Chris had an actual cult and he bought some land, let's say in the Arctic, he went up there like every three months, like four times a year, did a fucking show, showed his new shit.
Otherwise, people are going to be sitting there freezing cold out there.
They're going to be excited for when he comes.
And in the meantime, they can dog sled around.
He can send them videos and stuff.
Yeah, you can send them videos.
Hard to download shit in the Arctic.
Is it?
Yeah.
Yeah, the Wi-Fi, the internet speeds are not very good.
I could see that.
Yeah.
But, you know, and then he could just come out there every three months, do some stand-up, and fuck everybody.
Yeah.
That would be, I mean, that's what I'm saying.
Have a cult.
Have a real.
Well, it is a real.
Would you join it or not?
I would be, I wouldn't mind.
He'd charge us to join it, too.
Probably with a meet and greet after.
I wouldn't mind being like a high cardinal or something like that and then like maybe turn on him Game of Thrones style.
He'll kill you up there though.
The second he leaves out of town.
Somebody's fucking hitting you in the back with a hat.
Do you feel like somebody that'll get murdered or die a natural causes, honestly?
I don't know that I'll get.
Gee whiz, I hope I don't get murdered.
I don't think I've given anybody reason to murder me, although that shit can happen pretty randomly.
We had Chris Hansen on here.
He said that one of the most random things you notice is that just you don't ever know.
There's no real rhyme or reason to people getting, you know, if somebody molests a kid or if somebody gets murdered.
Yeah.
I would love to die of natural causes.
Hopefully not because of something I ate and then went to sleep at night thinking, you know, this, you know, fucking calzone is going to kill me.
You think you deserve to get murdered or deserve to die of natural causes?
Who's to say?
You know?
You.
I don't get to decide that.
But I'm asking you, which one do you think you deserve?
Would you be shocked?
Like, here, right now, if some guy walked up and punched me in the face, I was like, you know what that's for, motherfucker.
Yeah.
Would you?
I could think of a couple things.
You could think of a couple things?
Yeah.
It's almost crazy.
You could do that to anybody.
You know what that's for, motherfucker.
People have reasons to do a shit off.
The guy's like, whew, at least that karma came back fast.
You know, that's it.
I mean, I would want to ask, again, maybe this is the Canadian in me, but I wouldn't mind sitting down with the man after he punched me in the face and asked him why you did that.
Why did you do that?
I got punched right in the center of the face once.
And it was, well, you know, a few times in my life.
But as you get older, when you get punched in the face, I was probably in my late 20s.
This guy punched me right in the face.
What kind of guy was it?
He was a guy, he wasn't a, So I grabbed him and I thought about it for a while.
And then I made him apologize to my friends.
He was being shitty to some friends.
He was?
Yeah, and then he punched me in the face.
People are irrational.
But as so long as you can talk to them, you know.
I held him firmly, though.
I tried to.
You let him know.
Yeah, I was like, you put the Lord in him.
Yeah, I put the Lord.
They used to have a thing going through the Southeast and stuff.
And I don't use this kind of terminology, but this was called, this is back in the day called fag fist fights, right?
And it was gay guys.
It was all gay guys running it.
And they would put a boxing ring in a bar and gay guys would fight.
And you bet on them.
Would there be, would they sort of give you a backstory, sort of like 24, where they would be like, here's why this guy's mad at this guy?
Like, dun, dun, dun, like that court show.
Well, just a little clip package.
Like Griffin can't believe.
Like if you watch UFC, they give like the here's the beef, or they were working on like.
I think you just.
Yeah.
Nobody in the bar was listening to what that's what's exciting.
Then you pick who you're rooting for.
If you don't do that, then it's just based on their outfits.
That's a good point.
Who gives a shit?
Griffin ate all of Randall's cereal.
They're going to figure this out tonight.
But yeah, dude, they'd come and people would bet on them and then you could get pictures afterwards and stuff.
Different times.
Different times, man.
Different times.
Would you ever do any road work, any vaudeville type stuff, or do you think the road would kill you?
Oh, man.
Vaudeville type stuff?
Like what?
Like get out there, be a, you know, carny.
Not carny, but high-end carnival.
High-end carnival shit?
Yeah, like stepping on a bunch of rakes and stuff and like clown noses, shit like that, a little sing song.
I could see you doing in the middle of it.
It's a tough road.
The road is tough, especially when you're doing that.
I would imagine when you're doing what you do, you're like, oh, I get to do some stand-up comedy now.
I love doing it.
I'm going to do it tonight.
But yeah, no, for me, I can't even play the accordion.
So that would probably be, it would be hard for me to justify being out there on the road.
I would probably lose money being on the road doing.
Yeah, you would, I think.
I would definitely lose money.
And it would be depressing and lonely.
Yeah.
No, I'm not going to do it.
Would you ever open up for me on the road?
Sure.
Wow, that'd be cool, huh?
Wouldn't that be fun?
Hey, thank you very much.
I did.
I would open up for you too, dude.
Oh, cheers.
Well, I don't really do.
I don't really.
But when you put together a state show, dude, I could see you having a state show, a musical.
You know what I'm saying?
That would be fun.
You know, it's interesting having friends.
Now we're friends because we've spent this much time together.
Again, if you're just tuning in, Theo and I are establishing our friendship in live podcast form.
This is as new media as it fucking gets.
Truly.
Like if you and I, if we like do more stuff, become buds and shit, then people will be like, oh, you can fucking watch them.
You can literally watch them become friends in 2018.
Like, here's the date.
And you can watch it now.
I do, you know, having buddies like, you know, Chris and Brian, Bobby Lee, who I've been friends with for a long time, I do, a stand-up is such a, it's a much different thing than what I do and what so many people in the business do.
It's such a specific Thing.
But I will say, you know, it's like, I kind of feel like, you know, I've said this to Chris and Brian.
I feel like it's an art form, really, truly, because I'm a fan of, you know, the stand-up that I like to watch or whatever over the years.
And, you know, we got porn stand-up.
Hey, like, you know, I had all the albums and shit growing up.
We had like George Carlin and fucking Pryor and the guy, the rapist, and, you know, like Gilda Live, like Gilda Radner.
Oh, I got to listen to that.
Yeah, Robert Klein.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You ever hear Jerry Clower?
Jerry Clower, no.
Oh, you got to listen now.
Jerry Clower.
He's one of my favorites.
Okay.
But I feel like it's an art form under siege, especially now because it's experiencing a big resurgence over the past handful of years.
What does siege mean?
Well, I feel like here's how I feel.
If you're an actor, you still, somebody needs to let you do it.
You know what I mean?
You have to get through an audition.
I mean, you can go and make YouTube shit and do whatever.
But if you want to be an actor, you have to earn your spot here and there.
Actors have to audition all the time or have some sort of momentum or name or whatever.
So if you want to start out in acting, somebody has to let you do it.
If you want to be a musician, you have to have some musical talent or you'll be found out and chewed up right away.
And I'm literally thinking about it in the most rudimentary way.
Like when I was a kid, you know, a lot of kids wouldn't play hockey in my town because their parents didn't want to pay for the fucking equipment.
Wow.
You know what I'm saying?
So like, like, so like, you know, musician is like, you need equipment.
Right.
You need equipment.
In comedy, you, you just need this microphone, which I'm pretty sure is provided.
You guys don't have to bring.
Yeah, they have the mic there usually.
Yeah.
So if you go to an open mic and it's like, so I kind of feel like a lot of the, and I'm saying this, I'm not saying this as somebody who knows what the fuck.
I'm saying this purely as an audience member to stand up.
When I see like total bullshit and then, and this is, again, my opinion, strictly as an audience member, and I will draw that line.
I like to enjoy and just, you know, not be a comedy head about it.
But if I go watch stand-up somewhere and someone's fucking just bullshit, then the next person is great.
And then it's like, bullshit, bullshit, great, great, great, bullshit.
It's like, the fuck, can we get them out of here and just have this?
And I feel like there's just the way that stand-up comedy is set up, there's, there's just too much, there's so much fucking super passionate about it.
But it's true.
It's true.
I mean, you know, and I'm not asking you to get into that because I feel like that's.
No, it's fine.
I feel like I like it.
I can, maybe I can say it because it's not my bread and butter.
It's not what I do at all.
So far be it from me to like go, you know, look, I've been doing what I do for a really long time.
So anytime I've done some stage shit, like some stand-upy stuff, it has to be just like a bit.
And, you know, so like, you know, I used to do a character that we used to do on the podcast I had with Brian and Chris on the.
Well, what kind of guy was it?
It was a stand, like it was a stand, it was basically a stand-up guy.
Like a sick guy?
Like a what?
Like a guy that was sick or something.
Yeah, he'd take too many dick pills and his hands were straight and he would come out.
They would just freak people out.
No.
That was in West Palm Beach.
That happened to me.
What?
Yeah.
I think you talked about this earlier on in our friendship about 25 minutes ago.
Yeah, my bad.
So, no, I used to do this guy, and we did it on the 10-minute podcast because it was like, oh, here's a funny thing for like something to be.
The bit was like, oh, he's a former open micer who is, hey, I'm just going to sit in.
You guys do your thing.
And I'll sit in.
And they go, and because we would do bits.
From Schenectady.
What?
From Schenectady.
From Schenectady, right.
And this fellow, and we just, his name was David Greco, and he was just like this guy, hey, what up?
And so they would do their thing, and they'd be talking, and he would go, hey, what's going on with Britney Spears?
She shaved her head.
It was crazy.
And they're like, dude, that happened 10 years ago.
Like, shut the fuck up unless you have something good.
Okay, that's the bit.
So, ha ha.
And then I was like, oh, maybe I'll do it live.
So I did it a few bunch of times and it was kind of fun, but it was always a bit.
And I kind of feel like someone like me has to come into it sideways doing like a bit or else, or else you can't do that.
That could be worked out, man.
What do you mean, worked out?
You could figure that out.
You know, you could have somebody doing, you know, playing the straight man on stage and then you fit, you know, like, I would just love to see you on the road, you know, taking it to the streets.
Oh, that's interesting.
You know, I really would in some form.
I think there's got to be a way because people just love you.
It seemed like everybody loves you.
And it seemed like it would be nice if people could see that.
Well, that's cool.
That's interesting to hear you say that.
Because the times that I've performed live have been, they're not stand-up things, but I've done a lot of like Mad TV, live audience sitcoms that I've done and shit and this and that.
You end up doing stuff that is essentially being in front of a crowd going, hey, me, me.
And it's like, well, I got to, you know, I got to, I got to read everybody and do this.
And, you know, it's essentially doing stand-up with a net kind of thing.
I've been involved in that sort of shit.
And then I've had friends that are like, you know, weirdos in comedy that do do some weird stuff who come from more sketch and scripted, but also before that came from a stage, came from improv, came from putting together a sketch troupe, come from writing.
And they go, well, if you don't want to do that, you could do, like I have one friend of mine who's like, oh, well, when I do a live show, like I come out and I have like a guy who plays a stand-up bass and it's weird and I got a song.
Yeah, put a package together.
Dude, I remember when I had 15 minutes of comedy, I would go to colleges and what would I do?
Oh, and I would show up the day before.
I would shoot like a cribs with like the principal of the school or like a fraternity.
That's funny.
And I would go to their place and like shoot it all and then edit it together that night.
So that was like, and I would do interviews around campus.
Like, you know, I heard they're allowing guns on campus.
What do you guys think?
And people, one kid ran off when I asked him, like, fuck him, bro.
Keep running, bro.
Somebody's going to gun you down.
But I would ask him all kinds of stuff, funny stuff, and then I would make a 30-minute video.
Then I would do the video and then come out and do whatever little comedy I had, and that was the show.
I mean, I think just these days, there's so much you can mix up.
I just think that people would love to see you out there.
Oh, cheers!
You know, you got to get out and about.
Well, let me ask you this: why?
Why do you need to get out?
Because you got a natural taste.
No, I'm really, I'm curious.
Yeah, get out there.
People will tell you if people are listening.
They'll even tell you to get out there, man.
You know, I think you look like Gerard Butler a little bit.
People tell you that?
That I look like Gerard Butler?
Yeah.
People do tell me that several times a day.
Do they really or not?
Yeah, that's weird.
And he's always in the top 100 on Mad Magazine.
So you looks like you have another tier to aim for.
I do need to aim for another tier.
You're not wrong.
You know, okay, I shouldn't even be saying this on wax, as they say.
But yeah, I was thinking about doing not the old stand-up character that I was doing, but I've been thinking about doing a new stand-up character.
Yeah.
Like what?
Let me see what it's like.
Well, see, I'll try it, too.
Okay, I'll pitch it.
Pitch it at me.
You know why I'm going to pitch it?
Why?
Because A, I'll probably never do it.
And B, because I feel like it's not a bad thing now to pull the curtain back a little bit because we're in the internet age.
Pull that bitch back, dude.
Nothing is special.
The whole family's in the bathtub.
When you pull that curtain back, you see the whole family's in the bathtub.
Yeah, that's what you hope for.
When you pull that curtain back, you hope to see all of them in a line, just like the stickers on the back of a minivan.
Just like all lined up and a dog and a cat.
Doing coke, too, a lot of them.
Just doing coke.
Just a family doing Coke behind that bathroom curtain.
That's what comedy is, really.
Dude.
Think about it.
Order me a bag of yams, brother.
Give me some sweet potatoes and a fucking slingshot.
It's Christmas.
Some kind of fucking self-made.
We got to talk about Christmas, too.
So do the character, Will.
Jesus Christ, dude.
All right.
I feel like we invited you here to do character.
You've just been talking about all kinds of shit for like.
I've been talking about all sorts of nothing.
You haven't gotten together.
Do the fucking character, man.
Juggle or something.
I'm calling him.
My cotton.
Jesus Christ.
My forearms are sweating.
Jesus Christ.
Look at this, dude.
Somebody's going to bake you over the holidays.
You got to fucking get it.
Look at this is wet.
Yeah, your fucking arms are wet.
My arms are wet.
You have a stroke?
I don't know.
I fucking took some dick pills at the AM p.m.
I figured I was going to get in here.
Might as well get some uppers in me.
I slept here last night.
I was in the fucking aisle.
I had some nigeri, and then this morning I had a fucking turkey sandwich.
I cleaned myself up, took a couple of fucking rhinos.
Yeah.
You're ready for the up.
Anyway, here's my character.
Fuck me.
Anyway, this is literally what I was thinking.
Yeah.
What if I did stand-up?
See, this is going to be the dumbest fucking thing ever.
Well, but still just get it out.
I fucking pitched this to a couple of buddies of mine the other night.
I was like, hey, man, you know what might be funny?
Because they know like the old stand-up character.
No, I got to drum roll it so it doesn't work.
I got to make sure it doesn't work.
I got to fucking just fucking stomp it into the ground first.
And I pitched it to them and they went, I don't know.
So that's why I just wanted to preface it by saying other people who I respect in comedy, one's a writer, one's a director, not stand-up.
Never heard of them.
Do it.
And they went, they went, I don't know.
Here's the character.
Here's the character, right?
What is it, dude?
A chatty bad Santa?
Dude, a damn character.
And sweaty arms?
What if you never do the character that just keeps being this?
What if I just go on stage and pitch a character and never do it?
Yeah.
This fucking podcast just goes in perpetuity through.
So.
Dude, a character, dude.
Well, there's really no.
He does.
We don't need to be in Milwaukee.
Should he fight that guy?
Yeah.
Hey.
BDE.
Hey, here's my, here's my BDE.
Here's my Brendan Shaub impersonation.
Ready?
It's just a couple words.
Hey, Dana White.
That's it.
It's a three-word impersonation.
I don't know.
I don't know.
B, listen.
Dana White.
That's it.
That's my home.
I've never done that for him.
Yeah.
How many countries are there?
Look it up, Chin.
How many countries are there?
Hey, Chin, how do I spell my name?
Look it up if you don't want.
PDE.
Black Rifle Coffee.
We'll see you in Toledo.
So here's my character.
Santa Ana going to release some special tickets.
Where are you going to be at, Bri?
Or how about instead of hey, Dana White, this is my new.
Listen, Dana White?
That's pretty good.
That's a good one.
That's my Brian So Enemy took out one of my ribs.
My fucking fucking co-pitched.
suck an arm and get him in a fucking weird choke.
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.
BDE.
Hey, Dana White?
That's 250 episodes of TFATK in two minutes.
You want to see that?
There you go.
Let's do it.
Let's do 200, all 252 episodes of TFATK in two minutes.
We just did it.
Okay, that's true.
Just edit that up then.
We'll package that up.
And then they get that little red-headed guy in there.
That guy has who knows what, probably a disease.
You're talking about Chito Santino?
Yeah, Chito Santino.
Some guy named after a fucking chip.
I didn't watch it.
Some guy named after somebody that gets dropped off in a van every afternoon and thrown into a machine where people put change in and get you out of a fucking chip, bro.
Get your life together, dude.
Get your life together.
With your fucking cousin Funy and your boy fucking beauty.
Hey, you fucking cocksucker.
You're gonna fall off the thing.
Get off the thing, you crazy fuck you.
Cocksucker Joey Diaz.
That's Joey Diaz.
That's when Michael Rap reports Instagram.
Oh, yeah.
That's my impression.
Fuck it.
You listen here, Donald Trump.
Don't think steam Donald.
Get off the fucking thing.
You're gonna drop that dog and get hit by a car.
And then that happens?
Yeah.
I want to talk to somebody.
I'm a white, privileged, white guy, Jewish, Alaskenazi, rare silverback Hebrew.
And I fucking poor Zengus.
Oh, Carmelo Anthony.
You fucking Donald Trump.
Look at this fucking guy.
He's going to jump through this table and hurt himself, you fucking cocksucker.
Oh, he fucking fell.
I fucking told you.
Here's my character.
Okay.
No, I don't want the character.
Do another one and I'll guess who it is, dude.
I'll do one and you guess who it is, all right?
I'll do this one.
Let me think of one.
What world are these people from?
Well, we only know about four of the same people.
That's true.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's true.
I'm just practicing that.
Okay, hold on.
You do one because I don't have to.
I guess that was true.
I don't know any.
Okay.
I mean, I'm quite happy to go, you fucking cocksucker, get out of the street.
Now you're going to get splashed with water when the fucking bus drives by.
You dumb fuck, you got splashed with water, you cocksucker.
Dickstain Donald.
Listen.
Yeah, yeah, listen.
You dropped out of the fucking Paris climate accord, you fucking idiot.
Listen to Guy McCrone, you fucking dick-skinned piece of shit.
You fucking...
You're the whitest, fucking fucking whiter than me, Dickstain Donald.
And they look just like each other.
You look exactly the same.
You're my fucking dad, and I'm fucking angry.
Their kids went to the same school.
Yeah, you had your fucking hair straightened because you don't want to look like me, you fucking cocksucker you.
Oh my God, dude.
Yeah, Rapper Board, it sounds like somebody stuffed that movie Casino into a fucking, into a ginger.
That's what it sounds like.
It's like, what's going on here?
And also, while we're at a dude, Spikely fucking sucks dick.
I'll say that.
That dude's had one good movie and a bunch of bad outfits.
If he weren't at the front of the Knicks games, then we would give a fuck about that dude.
Yeah, you fucking put my fucking money to sleep.
I'll put your fucking brain to sleep.
And just when you're fucking waking up in a fucking hospital, I'll be there to do it again.
Because I'm stupid, you cocksucker you.
Why are you talking to him like that?
He's a straight guy.
Because I'll tell you what.
It's casino.
It's casino.
You went over my fucking head, you cocksucker you.
We should reshoot casino with Michael Rappaport and, I don't know, like Brian could play Ace, could play like Ace Rothschild, the fucking, and Brendan, Brendan or Chris could play the Sharon Stone part.
It's just rich people yelling at each other, man.
Yeah.
It's all linear.
That movie is fucking...
One of the finest rich people yelling at each other movies.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
All right, do one more, dude.
I'll do one, dude.
Let me do your character.
All right.
Okay, do my character.
Oh, hey, guys.
My name is Patrick.
And I was in a train wreck.
Woo!
Woo!
Oh, hey, guys.
Snack car coming through.
Oh, fuck.
I'm trying not to laugh because it's so hot in here.
That one?
That's a pretty good one.
That's Patrick.
I'm going to pitch this to you because I want to know your pitch.
Fucking God, dude.
I want to go home, pitch this fucking thing.
I'm actually going to do it.
I'm supposed to do Christmas shit, man.
This whole thing's fucking Christmassy.
You got that on?
I got a fucking hat that's raising my temperature, but I'm sticking with it.
I'm fucking sweating through fur.
I'm fucking sweating through fur.
You fucking son.
Yeah, where were you when I was playing in the NBA six-on-six celebrity basketball, you piece of shit?
You couldn't beat Amarosa in a one-on-one Dick Sting Donald.
Dick Sting Donald?
You're out here causing all this traffic.
I'm fucking rich, and I'm yelling at you.
Nobody showed up to your fucking inauguration, you cocksucker you.
Okay, so here's the character.
Who cares?
Why does Michael care so much about it?
Ah, well, you got to be passionate.
He's passionate about.
He is passionate.
That's a good point.
But it's like, why take it out?
Like, take it out on somebody else.
Take it out on the coach of the fucking Knicks.
That guy's been a fucking piece of shit for 20 years.
That team's garbage, bro.
Wait a minute.
You're talking about taking out his political views that he would have aimed at Trump on the coaches.
Yeah, sure.
Knickerbockers?
That'd be a little more, I don't know, it'd be interesting.
Yeah, just try something different, dude.
That's definitely different.
No, he's politically ranting.
People do this.
They get on the internet and they fucking...
People threaten to kill him.
Didn't Madonna say that?
Yeah, and she didn't even fucking do it.
Where are you at, Madonna?
Yeah.
Fucking kill him if you want.
Kill somebody.
Kill somebody.
Kill the coach of the Knicks.
You're a senior citizen that's fucking trying to, you know, fuck, you know.
Yeah, speaking of the Knicks, she fucked half of them, dude.
Donna, Micah, Donna.
What if Chris started dating Madonna?
That would be a power move.
I wish he would, dude.
I wish he would.
Because here's the thing.
He's got a chance to really hook up with some old senior citizen hotties before they, you know, go to heaven or don't go to heaven.
And there's a few out there.
Oh, yeah, dude.
Jessica Lang.
Yeah, dude, Artie Lang.
Artie Lang.
You know, and yeah.
That's it, I think.
Let's see the character.
Okay, so here's the character.
Okay.
It's essentially, it's me doing stand-up.
Okay.
Some jokes, you know, write some jokes, try to get up there for a few minutes.
Oh, yeah, definitely.
Maybe I might even pilfer some of the jokes from the other character.
Yeah.
Maybe it's a specific bit.
Probably not.
Here's what it is, though: it's me with maybe a slightly different name and a very uh a very short, well-made uh wig.
I could see it and And it's not one of those things where it's like, oh, why wouldn't you just take the stupid wig off and do the jokes?
Well, no.
This character has his own specific point of view on things.
I don't know.
Mostly what it is, though, is me doing stand-up.
Yep.
Slightly different name and a little short brown wig.
I could see that.
I could see you in the smallest wig ever.
Like a tiny wig just on the back of my head.
And I would have a name like Pete or maybe Philip.
Stanley.
Stanley.
Daniel.
Just something different.
Yeah.
Bunyan.
Bunion's a good name.
Bunion's a cute name for Bunion.
Paul.
I feel like you would have any name that would be cute for a rabbit would be cute for you.
And if I...
And if I...
Thumper Jenkins.
There you go.
Ladies and gentlemen, one hand smacking against the other makes a wonderful sound for Thumper Jenkins.
There you go.
Hey guys, what's up?
I'm Thumper Jenkins.
Yeah, and here's Thumper Jenkins, and he's got three tasty yams he's about to fire across the bottom.
What if I just, and I just, I have like a super colorful name, but I don't, but I just speak very Canadian.
Like Spunk Wilson.
Yeah.
Spunk Wilson.
Yeah, Spunk Wilson, dude.
Spunk Taste Test Wilson.
Oh, scratch and sniff Wilson, they called him.
So I think this would be something that could be interesting.
So technically, it wouldn't be me.
I wouldn't be doing.
Are you going to do any of it for us or not?
Or that's it?
No, I haven't worked out the rest of it.
That's crazy, bro.
You told us all that.
Yeah.
God dang, dude.
I'm from Christio's Phillip character hit by a train.
I feel like I just watch Chandler's lips, dude.
This is the worst ending.
This is like Boys on the Side or whatever.
Can we go to some of these videos?
Jesus Christ.
Can we go to some of these videos?
Jesus, dude.
Question sweating, bro.
Are you really having a stroke?
Look at that.
Bro, his arms are soaking wet.
Let's get through this now.
Here's a young guy.
It's so fucking hot in here.
I can't believe we said they have bumped this many times with the door open on a Wednesday.
That lawyer is not happy down the hall.
He just like opened up his door and looked.
It was a while ago.
Looked past.
Here we go.
Will Sasso, you little fucking balloon nut.
How are you, buddy?
Sam Osman here.
Theo, hope you're doing well.
From Australia, as you can tell.
Will, I wanted to know, when was the time you faked excitement for a Christmas gift?
Could be from anyone family member.
Appreciate it.
Boys, Merry Christmas to you.
I like his Bullet Club t-shirt.
I'm going to say that first.
What is that?
Bullet Club is a wrestling thing.
Currently, the Bullet Club would be Cody Rhodes and the Young Bucks.
Mostly.
Of course, the Bullet Club had been...
No, no, nobody's been shot.
Well, it's in Japan.
They have a different relationship with guns than we do here.
You know, the Bullet Club, you know, we got a couple of those guys moved out here.
Now they're just the club.
But when it was back there, it was Prince Devitt, AJ Styles, guys like that.
Christmas gift that I was underwhelmed by.
Faked excitement for.
Faked excitement for.
Yeah, I could think of one.
A hat.
Nobody likes getting a fucking hat, dude.
If you get somebody a hat for Christmas, fuck them.
Well, actually, my agents used to send me wine.
They still do.
On Christmas.
And I wasn't drinking for a while.
So I'd have to feign excitement.
But not last Christmas, because for about a year now, you would remember this from earlier in our friendship.
I introduced a little red wine.
Not white wine, because that's fucking, that's sugary poison.
Oh, yeah.
White wine.
So there's the answer to your question.
I would have loved if you had more of a question about the Bullet Club.
What disease do you think would go best with you?
If you had to have a unique disease or diabetes.
Right, but I'm talking about something fancy, something high-end, you know?
What would be a good disease for me?
Bell's palsy.
I could see you having a soft side of your face.
Hoof and mouth.
Bell's palsy.
I had a friend who had Bell's palsy.
Yeah, I had a friend.
I would make him laugh because it was just so funny to see him go, eh, eh?
He did like this Jean-Cretian laugh.
That's some Canadian content for him.
He's a former prime minister.
And he had the talk like this, and he'd go, eh, eh, eh.
Bell's palsy, he don't even care.
Yeah, it doesn't make it damn.
It doesn't make goddamn.
Literally, that's it.
Because Jean-Claude Chen, he talked like this for the Canadian people, and it doesn't make a dance.
Ben Spolet.
Dude, yeah, everybody in France sounded like they just were coming and then got hit by a fucking bat in the spine.
Like, ugh.
Ugh.
What are these videos?
Next video, what we got?
This one's audio.
Hey, this question is for Will Sasso.
My name's Matthew from Canada.
And I want to know, do you know what your favorite urban comedian Shauna will be doing for Christmas?
Three seasoning spending with you, you know, handing out some age james, you know, behind the comedy store, you know, with her eggnog.
So thanks.
Appreciate you guys.
That's very cool.
He's referencing something we used to do on the aforementioned 10-minute podcast.
Another comedian character, Shauna, was a woman who was the queen bee of urban comedy, the first lady of Keeping It Real.
Oh, God.
I haven't heard from Shauna in about five or six years.
Do you know if you...
Honestly, somebody didn't, somebody, one of you guys wasn't pulling their weight.
No, no, actually, it was that we were all pulling too much weight.
No, really what happened was probably around, I can't remember, 2014, 2014.
We started doing it in 2012.
And then, I mean, it was just, it got so hard with our schedules because the guys are traveling all the time, Brian and Chris.
Brian's on the west side.
Chris doesn't want to leave his house.
And so, and we recorded at my place.
And so it would just, it just got harder and harder.
And then we had kind of done it.
Like we did the shit out of what that is.
Right.
And then, so, you know, and Brian was doing Fighter and the Kid and was like busy all the time.
And Chris, too, obviously.
Just constantly on the road.
So that was it?
Yeah, that was kind of it.
And so I was like, I was like, well, why don't we just, you know, not, it was, you know, it was kind of like I sort of, you know, it just got harder and harder to do.
So, and we always said to each other that, you know, we're friends and we're doing this fun thing.
And as soon as it, if it's not working, it doesn't matter.
Like we're buddies.
Right.
And so the fucking podcast, with all due respect to the listeners, whom I love, we couldn't do it.
So then I was doing it by myself for a while.
And then two other buddies of mine joined in and it became a very different thing with my good pals, Tommy and Chad, Tommy Blacha and Chad Cultian, who are both very funny writers.
It sounds good, though.
Do you think?
Very different.
Yeah.
And then we tried to diamond the audience down and make the jokes all reference themselves and kill our audience.
We lost thousands of listeners.
Of course, because Brian and Chris left, and then we tried to weed it down to where if you weren't listening to all the episodes, you'd be completely lost.
And then recently we gave it to a listener.
The podcast?
Yeah.
Oh, well, that's pretty cool.
That's quite a giveaway.
iTunes channel, all the social media.
Wow, that's pretty cool.
Gave it away.
And then he had to stop doing it because he's a very busy man.
That's pretty cool, man.
And is there any chance?
Who was that?
And where is that now?
The feed?
Who's got control of it?
Nobody.
Yeah, Mark Evans was a guy.
He's an editor out of like a news editor, a real dude, and does all sorts of shit works at NBC.
Couldn't do it anymore.
Very busy.
And is there any chance of a 10-minute podcast coming back?
No, I don't think so.
I mean, no, no.
Has there been any talk of it?
No, no.
But it's only been since the summer.
It's done, I think.
What is this next video from?
This is Christmas and Wrestling in one.
Okay.
And the chief engineer of laughter and cheer, Cullen Beebe.
I'm from Sillsby, Texas.
I was just wondering, I know Sasso was a big fan of wrestling.
I was just wondering what y'all's thoughts were on when Stone Cold Steve Austin kicked Santa in the nuts and then dropped him in the WWE.
Not sure if you remember that moment was pretty awesome.
Maybe I'll put a link when I send this video in.
I just want to know what y'all's thoughts are on it.
Love both of you.
And Theo, I voted for you for Guest of the Week on Fighter and the Kid, even though I'm repping DeLia's merch.
Love y'all.
It's free conch, man.
You can vote for whoever you want.
See?
You turned that fucking dude.
He's wearing Dalia merch, and he fucking voted for you.
It was nice of him.
That's very sweet.
Well, I think, yeah, I haven't really put out there for people to go vote.
Like, I think it's, you know, it's the fans of that show.
So I'm not publicizing, like, I'm not telling people, go vote.
No.
It's the listeners.
It's their thing.
You know, it's their thing.
It's been an honor to have the strap for a year.
It's a sweet strap.
And it's a cool thing for you're right.
Their show.
And it's a wonderful thing to get their listeners involved.
And anytime I get to do the show, I enjoy their listenership.
It's a good group of people and they're very engaged.
Now, with all due respect to Brendan and with all due disrespect to Brian Callan.
Oh, definitely.
I don't give a fuck who wins person of the fucking year or whatever on their goddamn podcast.
Now, again, with all due respect to Brendan, but what do you think of that, Brian?
I'm going to ask him personally.
I don't give a shit.
Yeah.
Well, if you don't.
I don't give a fuck.
Well, dude, if you don't have a chance to win, you usually don't care.
That's what I've noticed.
Hey, wait a minute.
But I'm just saying that's a good idea.
Wait, now, hold on a second.
And all due respect.
No, I think you could win, and I think it'd be out of you or Daly.
I wouldn't be surprised if you're not.
No, no, no.
No, no.
This other kid, this fucking Red Lightning or whatever that kid's name is, fucking Sinnamon Randy or whatever, coming out of nowhere, acting like he's got a shot.
That's bizarre.
Yeah, I think Blood Benny might have a shot.
That kid's name is fucking Roy G. Biv or whatever that dude's name is.
Fuck yeah.
Jimmy Sineburst, whatever the fuck.
Get the fuck out of here.
Come on, man.
The little fucking Clifford, the big red fucking creep.
Get the hell out of here, dude.
That guy shows up out of nowhere with a couple of, he says he has, you know, freckles.
I'm saying, you know, small ERPs.
And he's acting like, you know, he's going to win it all, dude.
Kenneth Strawberry over the fuck out of here.
Yeah.
Right.
Little fucking Marcus Raspberry over there.
Little Marcus Raspberry.
Out here with his fucking gingivitis, dude.
His skin is almost giving out, bro.
A lot of gingers, their skin gives out early.
By 40, you've just barely, you know, if you don't tie your arms by the side of your body at night, your fucking whole body will fall apart.
Gingers are falling apart.
He needs some fucking gas station dick pills.
He needs some caulking.
Keep his appendages.
You better caulk that fucking little ginger together, son.
He's got a shot.
Dude, you don't know how long I get a shot.
Yeah, fucking fucking Jeffrey Indian Summer.
Dude, somebody said who should be guest of the year?
It should be Brian Callan.
I thought that was the funniest.
That's hilarious.
That's fucking hilarious.
No, you know, yeah, I think Chris has got it.
And that's not, and I'm not, and, you know, I don't say that to disparage you, the current champion, or Chris, the future champion.
I'm just saying, fuck Brian.
Fuck Brian in his outfit.
Yeah, dude.
And what kind of clothes?
He's also dressing very, very European recently.
Yeah, he always wears tight sweaters and shoes that you don't recognize.
Yeah, what is that?
Doesn't he make those?
Shoes look like he got them at IKEA.
It's almost like he's making them somewhere.
When I'm 51, I'm going to look like a fucking homeless alcoholic just based on what I wear now.
So I better step my fashion up because a sweaty arm fucking hoodie sweatshirt is not doing it at 51. No, in the cold sweat, too.
Very alarming.
You got to live in a castle, too.
At your size, if you're not living in a castle, you look like a fucking weirdo.
Yeah, you look like a fucking weirdo walking out of an apartment.
Dude, I can't walk into a two or three bedroom apartment and you living in there, dude.
You better have a moat around you or it's a wrap.
Yeah.
I got some, well, I got, yeah, I got a drawbridge, but no moat.
Yeah, you better tighten up and get a big, you know, stick or something or a hatchet or something.
A scepter or some shit.
I'd rather be outdoors.
It's either castle or outdoors at your size.
You can't be running around in a fucking, you know, off of Barrington.
You know what I'm saying?
I got a wood crown carved from one stump.
Oh, definitely.
It's heavy as shit.
Yeah.
But I live outdoors.
And you need to get a bird or something or a strong animal that can also spend time around you, yes.
Yeah, that you can send to fucking like take out wolves and shit like Mongolians do.
Or to pick up a little bit of pokey across the street.
You know what I'm saying?
That'd be great.
That would be good to get like a golden eagle that can get some pokey from me.
Yeah.
Glendale pokey or I don't live in Glendale.
Why hasn't Bobby Lee changed in 20 years?
Oh, yeah.
He looks exactly the same.
Yeah.
He pretty much does look exactly the same.
Well, I think we can cool well down.
Were these Santa glasses?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Maybe this would work for my stand-up character.
Oh, wow.
I like this.
Dude, what if you're a guy that looks like Santa but isn't Santa?
My fucking buddy, my buddy Tommy Blacha, the aforementioned Tommy Blacha, we were talking about, he goes, you know what would be fucking hilarious?
Do a Christmas special and dress up like Santa, but then the voice is just Hulk Hogan and never explain it.
Because I think people's brains work like that.
Like, oh, here's something I'm familiar with.
You know what I mean?
From like the 80s, yeah.
And do like, do Hulk, but then, but you just look like Santa.
And not like being funny with like the mustache.
Just dress like Santa and then just do Hulk Hogan's voice.
Got any more videos or is that it?
Merry Christmas?
Any more videos?
We should do a Christmas song, I feel like.
I don't know which one we should do.
You guys sing or we don't?
I think we could sing something.
Maybe we'll go back and forth and do some verses.
What's a good one that we could replace?
Do you like Silver Bells?
Do they know it's Christmas?
Do they know it's Christmas?
Isn't that for handicapped people?
No, it was Band Aid.
It was part of the Live Aid, Bob Geldof's Live Aid, Feed the World.
People don't know that shit.
That's my favorite Christmas song.
That was the beginning of Final Countdown.
Can we play it and have it, Nick, on this?
Will it be okay?
Will they shut us down?
I think this will be Final Countdown.
Oh, that's.
This is the karaoke version?
Yeah.
Same.
But you don't know the tune.
I can hear the tune in these headphones.
It's going to be a fucking train wreck.
And it's also 12 minutes long.
And in our world of plenty.
Yeah, you're right.
Okay, pick something else.
Let's do just a little bit of improv on one of these and we'll shut it down.
Because it's the holidays, you know.
This is Christmas for people.
This will be on a Christmas morning.
Yeah, some people, yeah.
Again, everyone.
Speaking of the 10-minute podcast, we used to do Christmas stuff all the time.
You sing songs around Christmas and people end up, they would tell me, we played that on Christmas around the family.
Some family will be watching this.
Some Silent Night.
Yeah.
Silent Night like.
This is Silver Bells by the London Sylvia.
You like this one?
Yeah.
Okay.
Are they going to have the lyrics?
No, they aren't.
Oh, but do one with the lyrics, like karaoke lyrics.
There we go.
There we go.
Oh, this looks good, huh?
Traditional.
I gotta go to therapy in an eye.
Guys, it's key of F and a key change to G later.
You want to start?
You start.
City sidewalks, you cocksucker.
Busy sidewalks, you fuck.
Dressed in holiday style, you motherfucker, you.
In the air, there's a feeling of Christmas.
Dicksting Donald, you fuck you.
Children laughing, people passing.
After smile.
And on every street corner, you hit a dagger.
Silver bells, you cocksucker.
BDE.
Silver bells, you fuck you dick stain.
I got stolen old things.
In the city, look out for the fucking taxi cab.
It's right in front of you.
You stupid cocksucker, you.
Oh, I'm a ginger.
I don't even know anything.
You ding-a-ling Dickstain Donald.
You didn't go to the fucking Paris Accord with a fucking climate change accord.
You fucking pulled out of that and you tell the fucking UN where to stick it.
You dick stained Donald, you?
Tell him where you're going to be at, Bry.
Well, I'll be in Appleton, Wisconsin at the almost sold out.
I'm going to release some of my special tickets.
Black Rifle Coffee, BDE, look at my shoes.
I'm fucking crazy.
Hit a snow crunch.
See the kids bunch.
This is Santa's big scene, you cocksucker, you!
*sad music*
That was great.
Silver bells.
Silver bells.
It's Christmas time in the city, you fuck you.
Fuck.
You motherfucker.
Ring-a-ling.
Hear them ring.
Soon it'll be Christmas Day.
You're gonna fall off the table, you fat bastard.
Ivanka's fine as fuck, bro.
Look at this fucking kid.
He's trying to jump through the fucking table and do a fucking shotgun of fucking beard.
Are you fucking crazy?
Yeah, I'm telling him squamp and I wanna 11 pounds.
Couldn't make a den.
That was lovely.
That was the, we did the TFATK Guest of the Year Christmas Carol.
And was that Dolly Parton?
Who was that?
That's a beautiful song.
I am sure Dolly covered it.
Dude, I wanted to learn more about that character sometime if you feel like ever telling me about it.
Oh, please, man.
I might just hit you up and like call you at like two or three in the morning and add some layers to it.
And just go, hey, Theo, Theo, I was thinking, instead of like a short brown wig, what a like, like a sandy brown, like sort of, or maybe some gray sides because I got some gray in my beard.
What do you think?
Just get back to me.
Yeah.
Oh, it's fucking so hot.
And it's not even hot.
That's the crazy part.
From the North Pole, this is the last podcast.
Will the stroke sasso?
It's too hot.
That's what they say.
He can't even feel one of his arms and he hears a choo-choo train coming down.
Those are some warning signs, I think.
Yeah.
Do you smell bacon?
I'm smelling like, or I hear sizzling and I smell something meaty.
Is that a bad sign?
Yeah.
Merry Christmas from all of us, from Nick.
Merry Christmas.
Gianni.
Merry Christmas.
That's Gianni's in the background.
He's an intern, unpaid intern.
And there's Will.
Look at that on those sex pills breaking the.
Ah, fuck.
Oh, fucking no.
I'm all right.
All right.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
Will Sasso, ladies and gentlemen.
Silver bells Ring the ring Hear that ring Soon it will be Christmas Day you
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sweetheart.
Please do.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jermaine.
Hi, I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
Oh, no!
Oh!
I think Tom Hanks just buttiled me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
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