Not back from anywhere. Update on Mickey. Pears are the best fruit. A rebuttal on Kanye West. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- JK News https://www.youtube.com/user/JustKiddingNews ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Music Better of Barefoot by Brad Levine https://soundcloud.com/betteroffbarefoot ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Man Up - Comedy Central Pilot based off the Podcast Episode 1 YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_F2AuyEbCI0& Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ComedyCentral/videos/540480146346331/ Episode 2 YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTxLcmKlA4Q& Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ComedyCentralCentral/videos/539377409789938/ Episode 3 YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTxLcmKlA4Q& Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ComedyCentralCentral/videos/539380113123001/ ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Support Our Sponsors Ridge Wallet https://www.ridgewallet.com/theo Use code “theo” for 10% off your order My West Coast Buds podcast hosted by Joel Dimeo & Ben Ferguson http://www.mywestcoastbuds.com/ Greyblock Pizza https://www.greyblockpizza.com http://bit.ly/Modrats ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Theo Von/This Past Weekend Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/theovon Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theovon/ https://www.instagram.com/thispastweekend_/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/TheoVon Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/theo.von Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend/ Reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/TheoVon/ ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Gunt with the Wind Patreon Gunt Squad: Alaskan Rock Vodka Angelo Raygun Renee Nicol Matthew Snow Megan Andersen-Hall Stephanie Claire Ryan Wolfe Carla Huffman Austin Kehler Jeremy West Kenton call Steve Corlew Nick Butcher Megan Daily Joe Tromm Ken Melvin Troy Cosmas Matt Kaman Tom Kostya Mike Vo Micky Maddux Sam Illgen Ben Liimes Alexis Caniglia Stepfan Jefferies David Smith Logan Yakemchuk Aidan Duffy MEDICATED VETERAN Ken Comstock Dan Ray Audrey Harlan Matthew Popov kristen rogers Josh Cowger Kelly Elliott Mark Glassy Dwehji Majd Jason Haley Jameson Flood Jason Bragg Cory Alvarez Christopher Christensen Scott Lucy Benv Deignan Cody Cummings Shannon Schulte Aaron Stein Lorell “Loretta†Ray Stacy Blessing Andy Mac Campbell Hile John Kutch Adriana Hernandez Jeffrey Lusero Alex Hitchins Joe Dunn Kennedy Joey Piemonte Robyn Tatu Beau Adams Yoga Shawn-Leigh henry Laura Williams Alex Person Mona McCune Suzanne O'Reilly Rashelle Raymond Chad Saltzman James Bown Brian Szilagyi Arielle Nicole Greg H Dave Engelman Calvin Doyle Jacob Ortega Jesse Witham Andrea Gagliani Scott Swain William Morris Qie Jenkins Aaron Jones Jon Ross Kevin Best Haley Brown Ned Arick J Garcia Lauren Cribb Ty Oliver Tom in Rural NC Christian from Bakersfield Matt Holland Charley Dunham Casey RobertsSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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This week's episode brought to you by Gray Block Pizza at 1811 Pico Boulevard in Los Angeles on the way to the beach.
You headed to the sunshine.
You want some sand in your feet?
On the way there, stop in.
Get that Italian mouthful.
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Get that hitter.
This week's episode brought to you by My West Coast Buds.
It is a podcast.
It is a show with an inside look at cannabis, comedy, coffee, and Saudi Arabia.
No, I'm joking.
Spirits, like alcohol.
Cannabis, coffee, comedy, and spirits.
It's all of my favorite vices.
A gentleman named Joe Demeo, and that could be, you know, Demio could be anything, Italian, foreign, basic, local.
Sounds like a young everything.
But Joe Demeo owns a dispensary in Tigert, Oregon.
That's that upper East Coast bud shop.
And the place is called Cola Cove.
And he also acts as a cannabis consultant.
Joe teaches people how to get into the weed game as a way to keep the bills paid while he works on being a stand-up comic.
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That's what Joe Demio is doing.
His show, My West Coast Buds, is a fun inside baseball look at all of those industries, comedy and weed.
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This week's guest comedian is Caitlin Weierhauser, and they talk about comedy and why she's offended and she's never been haunted by a ghost.
The link will be below.
All right.
Now let's get involved in each other's lives.
Zzzzzz.
That's it.
Brad Levine right there.
And that's better off barefoot.
And that is a send-in by Brad Levine.
And we're thankful for that hitter right there.
It is May 14th, and it's the year 2018.
And that's what's going on.
We're out here in the millennium.
We're out here in the universe.
You know, we had Eddie Bravo in on the on as a guest this past week.
And that man, he's keyed up.
He's keyed up on life.
You know, every time you talk to him, it seemed like he's on about an eight ball of just existence.
You know, you ask him anything and, you know, he just goes off.
He's like a golden retriever with a hearing problem.
You know what I'm saying?
He's off.
He's gone.
You know what I'm saying?
He's out there chasing invisible frisbees.
You know, he's out there chasing a frisbee that was, you know, that just topped out at about 20,000 feet.
And that thing might not land until Idaho.
But that's how Eddie Bravo is.
He's out there.
He's out there.
And it was interesting to hear a man.
I mean, it was interesting just, if you didn't get to catch the interview, it was just interesting to hear a man who had had, who'd taken on so many things in his life, everything he got into, not only was he able to get involved and really delve into it, music, sports, chasing ladies, but he made it into a business along the way.
So he was able to take his passions and make them into enough of a business where he was able to sustain himself while he chased individual dreams.
And that's, I mean, that's, that's amazing.
I mean, that's amazing to think that, oh, I like something, so I'm going to make it, you know, I'm going to make my dream a financially sustainable reality while I chase it.
And this dude was a straight up dream hopper.
Eddie Bravo is a dream hopper.
If you see him on one dream tonight, you better circle the clouds because he's going to be on another dream tomorrow.
That man just goes dream to dream.
He's out there just, you know, he's out there just dreaming.
You know, he's just out there just jumping from one dream to the next.
And, you know, he done, you know, he tried football.
He tried, you know, he tried music.
He got into jujitsu.
You know, now he's out there.
He's thinking about outer space, man.
His brain has left Earth.
And he's out there chasing.
He's out there chasing what could be next.
Dude, give that motherfucker a couple months.
He'll build a shuttle.
And Eddie Bravo will go looking for the truth.
And is he a part-time astronaut?
I don't know.
But I bet he's got it in his DNA.
I bet if you look in through his DNA, I bet the A stands for Armstrong and the N stands for Neil.
I bet he's got that D, Neil, Armstrong in him.
Because Eddie Bravo, you give him that chance, boy, he'll be out there looking for the moon.
You give that dude a couple pieces of siding and some bubblegum and an old washer dryer.
Bro, that dude is a, I mean, he's Latino to the core.
He'll make the most out of everything.
He don't miss a beat.
And he about to turn that washer to, you know, he's about to turn that washing machine and that two pieces of siding.
You know, that two piece.
He's about to turn that into a damn shuttle.
You know, Viallo El Bravo in La Galaxia.
But if you get a chance, check out that Eddie Bravo, man.
It was amazing to have him in studio.
And just to, it was just inspiring.
It was inspiring to see somebody.
Because what I do is I'll get involved in something and then I'll, you know, I won't have the tenacity to also make it a business while I am investigating it.
And he just hopped throughout his life from one thing to the next and made small business along the way, made a band, you know, made a jujit, started learning jiu-jitsu.
And next thing you know, he's winning champions.
He's beaten the greatest in other countries.
Other countries.
Think about how many other countries there are.
Yeah.
So many.
And Eddie Bravo was beating people in other countries.
So if you got to listen to that, cool.
If you don't know about Eddie Brava, that's the thing is he's a, look, he's like one of them cans of, you ever get one of those cans of snakes in the mail?
Somebody send you a can of snakes, fake snakes.
And you think, oh, it's just a can.
It's just Pringles.
It's just chips.
You know, I'm about to sour cream and onion myself down into a straight up couch coma.
And then your spouse or your, you know, your, your friend or your loved one is going to come in, you know, a couple hours later and found you just comatose in some cushions.
But you open that can.
It's not Pringles.
It's fake snakes.
Somebody sent you fake snakes.
Come on.
And they popping out.
And that's Eddie Bravo, man.
You ask him a question.
You take that top off and you think it's going to be chips.
You're going to have one.
He's going to have one.
It's going to be that convo.
But it's just snakes, boy.
Just snakes flying out of that beautiful man.
And look, you know, anybody that can tempt the brain of Joe Rogan for years, decades even, man, I was honored to have him in studio.
And it was fun.
It was fun because, you know, he talks a lot about outer space.
He thinks outer space is fictional.
You know, so when he looks up at the stars, it's like you and me just looking at a painting.
You know, he thinks somebody did it and it's out there.
You know, it's like something that Microsoft made or something.
And I don't disrespect it.
You know, my original thought is to think like, oh, you know, maybe that's crazy, but is it crazy?
Dude, I showed up here on a ball of dirt and water and fell out.
I fell out of a uterus, bro.
A uterus, something that's hard to spell.
I fell out of that onto a ball of dirt and water floating in the middle of nowhere.
Could anything be crazier than that?
Doutsy.
Doubtsy.
Doubtsy.
Come on, man.
Come on.
Thank you guys for joining me here today, man.
I'm happy to be with you guys.
Thank you guys for checking out the Eddie Bravo episode.
You can also, I was on this thing called JK News, and you can see it on YouTube.
And look, I'll be straight up with you.
These people in there are Asian and Latino.
And by Latino, I mean pretty much Mexican.
And man, I was nervous when I got in there.
And I was nervous, I guess.
You know, I was nervous because, you know, honestly, I thought that, you know, I guess part of me, you know, you go into a place and I thought that these people were better than me or that they were thinking that they were better than me.
And they weren't.
They weren't.
It was just this weird fear in my head, you know.
So I, you know, I got into this weird, it was early.
It was kind of early in the morning for me.
I had a late night of doing shows.
And next thing, you know, I'm there.
And I'm, you know, I got in there.
It's like a half hour till we start.
And they're eating Asian food early in the morning.
And some people could say, oh, you think you're being racist?
I'm not being racist.
I love Asians, dude.
Give me an Asian right now.
Give me an Asian, dude.
I'll fucking put them in my shirt.
I'll hug them.
I'll hold them.
I'll start a family, bruh.
I'll put cinnamon on them and start a family of cinnamon Asians.
Never seen, never seen by anyone.
Rare.
Very rare.
Them CAs.
But I'm not going to talk about them.
Not going to say the word Asian because it's strange.
Do you have to describe somebody to you and be vague?
No.
Elsewhere, please, if you're thinking like that.
But dude, I was in there and I felt inferior a little bit.
And so I was kind of scared.
And I was on my phone and like, you know, looking up like man shit on my phone, like looking up like sports.
Even though it's 10.30 a.m.
There's like no sports going on.
So I'm on ESPN app, just like looking up cricket scores and like, you know, soccer, Liverpool.
Is Liverpool in every soccer game?
Because every time I look on it, it's just, that's all it is.
Liverpool, Liverpool, Liverpool.
So that's kind of how that broke down.
And I'm sitting there and, and then we got started and it was fun, man.
It was like, you know, I'd never, you know what I realized?
I'd never hung out with Asian people that much.
And these people were, they had Vietnamese, they had Japanese, you know, they had straight up fucking Dragon Ball Z was in that motherfucker.
It got hella Asian.
I didn't know what was going on.
And man, they were more, their show, the Japanese and Mexican hosts that were in there were more real than any of the shows I've been on.
I think a lot of like, there's this thing in like, with some of the white hosts that I've been around in the white culture where we are afraid to speak our minds.
And those people are fearless.
And dude, I didn't, I guess I thought I would go and it would be less, you know, I guess I thought that they would be more fearful for some reason.
But it was inspiring.
I got in there and they were fearless.
They shared what they really felt.
And they weren't, and you could tell where they came from.
They weren't from a bad place, but they were just very real.
And it was refreshing.
And so I'm thankful to them.
That stuff's called JK News.
And we did about 15 clips and it's all out there on YouTube if you want to check it out.
But thank you for joining me, man, this past weekend.
You know, tonight I'm going to, oh, I got to tell you this, Mickey got them hitters.
Trick Lung Mickey got them air sacks.
And if you, you know, follow me on Instagram, you see that we put a picture of him up and he got them.
Man, and he got him.
And it just, man, look, I got so many messages and I'm not even him.
You know, I'm just that liaison.
I'm that third lung, baby.
You know, I'm out here pumping from the side, just cheering him on.
Just come on, man, come on.
And it was just great, man.
I mean, the dude just warms my heart because he's going to be alive as far as we know.
And here's the crazy part, though.
I haven't got to talk to him yet because I don't know if he could talk.
I don't know if he's got words in his new lungs yet because you got to relearn them hitters.
But he's got them healthy sacks.
That dude's running on two freaking, who knows how much air he's going to have.
He'll probably be fucking whistling by you know by Thursday.
He could be hailing calves by next week.
That mother, he could be calling a dog from far away.
Anything.
And here's the wildest part.
He got them.
He got them.
He got them straight up inner, you know, them inner air titties.
He got them from somebody had overdosed.
Somebody overdosed.
You know, and that's just such a crazy circle.
Like somebody was so sick.
You know, they were sick and they couldn't get well and they overdosed.
And God took them out of the game and he took them hitters and put them in the mick.
And I'm thinking, my first thought is, dude, well, what if that dude was smoking crack?
And now Mickey got them straight up crack bags in him.
You know, he got them straight up them rock rockets inside of his chest.
What if he starts, that dude might walk out of the hospital feening for, you know, feening for that baby, that chemical boulder, that crack cocaine?
Come on.
He might be feening for that.
And so I'm a little bit worried about that.
What if that dude was smoking dope all day and, you know, he got the trick long, Mickey's going to come out with them with them narco-sacks.
He's going to come out wanting to hunting a gram.
He's going to come out sniffing for grams, you know, like a rabbit.
Just like a, he's going to come out sniffing for grams like a rabbit, like a rabbit that was raised in Colombia, like a Colombian jackrabbit.
So it's a little alarming, but at the same time, you know, that's the chance you take.
You know, instead of having hardly any lungs, at least he got lungs.
Even if those lungs, you know, if they are addicted to cocaine or to crack cocaine, I'd rather have Mickey out there on the street out there, you know, doing what he's got to do, you know, selling a little bit of leg or vending a little bit of ass cheek or whatever he's got to do, you know, at least he'll be alive.
And so I'm just grateful, man.
I'm just grateful to know him.
You know, I don't have anything to do with it.
I'm just, you know, what does it say in that shine song that we listen to?
It says, shine your light on me, tell you my story, or something like that.
But I'm just sharing the story, man, and it's a feel-good story for me.
And man, I take that inhale and I know that Mickey's going to be doing that same thing.
And now we can relate to each other off that world hit.
So that's exciting, man.
What else happened to me?
I'm still on that Paleos, boy.
I'm still on that Paleos diet.
And I don't know who Paleos was, but that, I'm sure he died of starvation because I haven't eaten, dude.
You know what I'm saying?
I'll look down.
When somebody's talking, I'm trying to look down their throat to see if they got anything in them.
That's how hungry I am, boy.
You know, I'll lick a little bit of chocolate out of one of your molars, boy.
I'm fucking hungry.
And most of it, you just end up reading like the bad, like basically, it's not even about diet.
It's more about reading.
Because I'll pick up anything.
I'll read it.
It'll be like, oh, I can't have what's in here.
And then I'll put it down.
So Paleos diet is mostly more about reading and learning.
I guess brushing up on your reading.
If you want to brush up on some reading, do paleos.
Because you read all the labels.
You can't have anything.
So that's where I've been at.
What else?
What else is going on?
I'm trying to think of what I've been feeling, man.
They have the Mitzi Shore Celebration of Life.
And that's the woman that started the comedy store.
So I'm going to her Celebration of Life tonight.
And so that'll be interesting.
I'm curious to see what stars might be there.
I'm going to try to put something up on Patreon for everybody.
But I'm hoping, you know, to see some guys, maybe Howie Mandel, you know, Eddie Murphy could come out.
Jim Carrey could come.
You just don't know.
Anybody that's ever been associated with the place could pop through.
So that should be kind of an eclectic evening and an evening of joy.
And so I'm excited to be about there and be about that.
And what else is going on, man?
You know, it was kind of a calm weekend.
I did a lot of comedy sets.
Not much, really.
Oh, I had a crazy dream, dude.
I had a dream, right?
I had a dream that I was in this airport and there was water in it.
And not only did you have to get to your flight, but you had to like swim to the door.
You know, you had to swim to the door of your flight.
And so that was pretty intense because it's hard to get to your flight anyway.
And then everybody's trying to swim and catch their breath.
And some people are just laying on floaties and shit.
And you're like, damn, dude, I got to get to my gate.
And they got a motherfucker out there with a Mai Tai, you know, and he's hitting a cigar and shit.
And you just trying to, you know, I'm just breathtaking the C12.
You know, I'm trying to catch that.
I'm trying to catch that connection.
So I had one of those, you know, watery airport dreams.
And that's it.
We got a bunch of calls that came in.
You know, and, you know, we're going to try to sometimes, you know, if we have a guest, we'll connect, we'll connect, you know, whatever previous, whatever previous episode we had, we'll connect, you know, calls and responses into the next episode.
Those won't a lot of times be on the interview episodes.
But yeah, we got a lot of good stuff going on.
You know, we got a lot of good things happening here, and I'm grateful for you guys being here with us and being a part of things.
Let's get, we'll just get into a couple of calls, you know.
I'll tell you too right now, and some of you guys know it and some of you don't, that I'm going to be at Cluster Fest in San Francisco June 2nd and 3rd.
I'm not doing much time there.
That's not my choice.
That's Cluster Fest.
They don't want to put the dog in the fight, man.
Dude, I can't, man, this industry, Bruh June 9th, Cherokee Casino.
That's West Siloam Springs, Oklahoma.
I'll be out there June 9th.
June 15th and 16th at Yuck Yuck's in Calgary.
Come out there and get that Canadian, get that exchange rate on daddy.
Get that bus back exchange rate.
You know what I'm saying?
I'll fucking lick your cousin, bruh.
Bring him out, wash his skin, and bring him out or her out.
I'll lick your cousin, man.
June 23rd, I'm at Timbler Brewing Company in Bakersfield.
June 6th through 8th, I'm at Levity Live in Oxnard.
And July 20th through the 22nd at Charlie Goodnight's in Raleigh, North Carolina.
I'm trying to get some Chicago dates, trying to work it out right now.
We also have some Stark County, Illinois dates, some rural Illinois out there.
We'll be out there in Stark County outside of Peoria and Kiwani for a fundraiser at a theater.
And I'll tell you those dates soon.
What's been happening?
Oh, Hawaii.
Dude, Hawaii, the earth is breaking.
And they got that hot, they got that hot sauce coming out.
Dude, imagine.
Because remember that game you used to play when you were a kid, lava?
And like there was just lava everywhere and you couldn't step on the floor.
You had to stand on a chair and you had to jump on the couch and you had to jump on the, on the, on the end table, and then you, mom beat your ass.
Remember that?
Remember that part?
It was like, lava, jump on the couch, jump on the chair, jump on the end table, mom beat ass.
But that's real life in Hawaii.
And what's crazy is you think with all these surfers, they'd have somebody that would have one of those surfboards where they could get out there on that and surf that lava.
You know what I'm saying?
Where's Tony Hawk now?
You know, Tony Hawk just had his 50th birthday party or, you know, 45th birthday party or 30th or something.
He's an adult.
He's tall.
So he's been an adult probably longer than a lot of people.
And he had, where's he at?
You know, where's Rob Deredick?
Rob Deredick always talking about he a badass and stuff like that.
You know, he always talking about he that five-foot badass.
He's the white Nate Robinson.
But where he's at with that skateboard?
You know what I'm saying?
I'm talking about your boy Elon Musk.
Why don't you lend Rob Deredick a skateboard?
Let him get out there and rock that lava.
Where's Big?
Who killed Big?
Somebody would be out there.
Big would be out there on something on a pontoon boat.
Let's see it.
Where's Steve-O?
Where's Steve-O, dude?
Where's what's his name?
Johnny Naxville.
Where's Johnny Knacksville?
Get out there.
He's out there farting in gym class or whatever and telling people and, you know, throwing his nuts down, you know, throwing his nuts, you know, into a children's academy or whatever.
Why don't you see what you can do?
Get out there.
Hop on a refrigerator door and rock that lava.
You know, everybody wants to say they're the best at this.
They're the best at that.
But now they got a great opportunity.
Do a fundraiser.
You know, go fund me.
I bet you could raise $2 mil to do.
You'll serve that lava.
See how far you go.
Catch a tidal wave.
Who's a great surfer?
Let me look up right now.
Great surfers everywhere.
Because I don't want to say America because anything could happen.
Let me see some images right here.
Oh.
Fuck, man.
This shit.
Great adult surfers.
Let me look up that.
Adult surfers that you should know.
That's better.
Okay, here we go.
Fuck.
Famous adults who surf water.
All right.
Okay.
Who else they say out there surfing?
I don't know this shit.
Google sucks, dude.
Everything is just, it all just leads to Rihanna.
That's the thing about Google.
So I didn't find anything.
But you know what I'm saying?
Get out there.
Who else is a good surfer who's supposed to be out there?
X Games.
Oh, Sean White.
Where you at, Sean White?
Huh?
You got that fire top and that fire roch.
Well, get aboard, baby, and hit that fire.
Do that triumvirate.
Make it full circle.
Ride that lava, daddy.
You out there winning them easy gold medals.
Get out there and hit that volcano, cat daddy.
Where are you at now?
Where are you at with your talents?
Everybody's saying they talented, but nobody wants to get out there and nobody wants to get out there and ride on the breast of Mother Nature.
Nobody wants to get out there and ride on the fiery backstrap of Hades, that lava flow, that Hawaiian lava flow.
And that's going on right now.
Are you an X gamer?
Let's see it.
You hopped up on Mountain Dew or whatever?
You that Red Bull, some man jumping out of space, landing back on Earth?
That's fucking easy.
I want to see somebody ride that lava.
Who is it?
Who do you think should ride that lava?
Get out there.
Rosie O'Donnell.
Put her loud ass out there.
Kathy Griffin or Andy Dick?
Same person.
Put her out there.
Chelsea Handler, get out there, boom, boom.
You know it all, huh?
Get out there.
Get out there and surf that lava, baby girl.
Let's see who's hot now.
Fucking pissing me off, man.
Everybody's saying all this shit and nobody's out there.
But anyhow, man, you know, big love to Hawaii.
I know a man out there and he's a good man.
And I recently was in Maui and I had a blast and I've been to Kauai and it's just a beautiful place.
And I don't know why they're doing that.
I don't know why this is happening out there.
And they got that magma, they call it.
Magma.
You never know.
That magma boy.
Magma sounds like a crazy girl, doesn't it?
Oh, shit.
That's fucking magma.
Oh, is that magma Jackson?
Damn.
Oh, she got her leg braces off, girl.
Damn, that's Magma Jackson.
Oh, is uh, oh shit.
Magma didn't bring no lunch.
She gonna fuck somebody up.
Magma sound like a crazy name, huh?
It sounds almost Russian a little bit.
Who knows, dude?
I don't know.
I don't even know what's going on today.
I'm just in that weird, I'm just in that weird space, I guess.
Okay.
All right.
I'm trying to stay alive.
Let's do it.
Let's get into some of these calls.
Some calls.
You know, I always ask who's listening to the show and let's get a hit of who's listening right here.
Theo Von, this is Jesus or Jesus calling from San Jose, California.
Dang, Jesus or Jesus up there in San Jose.
And that sounds like a Latino name, and that's probably a beautiful name.
And that sounds like a lot of pressure, bro.
Dude, that sounds like a lot of pressure.
You know what I'm saying, bro?
Dude, you ever notice like some Latino guys, when they talk, they start getting looking just higher and higher at the sky, you know?
Oh, I'm up here now.
Thank you for calling, Jesus.
I appreciate it, man.
That sounds like a lot of pressure being named after Jesus.
Gosh.
Dude, that's like naming your kid Michael Jordan.
Like, I met a dude named Michael Jordan that worked at the airport one time, and I'm like, damn, bro.
Like, if you was, you know, you know, Sherman Jordan, then yeah, work at the airport.
It's nice.
Y'all got a nice squad over there.
You know, you working for Virgin Atlantic or United.
But damn, fucking Michael Jordan out here going two for two on these check bags?
It's just a lot of pressure, man.
So let's hear more.
Hey, Suze, thanks for calling.
And you were wondering who listens to the podcast?
I am a cook, a line cook, I guess you could say.
I work for a corporate facility.
Don't know if I'm supposed to say the name, but I fucking say it anyway.
I work for one of the Apple cafes where they feed their employees.
Wow.
Hey, Seuss, that line cook.
And I'll be honest, dude, working as a cook, dude, you'll end up on drugs, man.
So be careful out there.
You know, especially if you're Jesus, dude, people are going to be offering you dope because everybody want to fucking bust a rail with Jesus.
And I'm not trying to sound sacrilege, but that is the truth.
That's the crazy part, dude.
If somebody met Jesus and he was trying to talk, you know, really kind of keep him straight edge, you know, somebody going to try to bust JC a rail.
Somebody going to try to sneak him that eight BZ.
Somebody going to, you know, somebody going to drop a couple of straight rocks in his pocks.
You know, somebody going to fucking, you know, just try to, you know, somebody trying to, somebody going to try to get a couple grams up in his system.
Try to get up in his Philippians, bro.
Try to fill his Philippians up with some of that dust dust.
Some of that dust dust.
Come on.
So I look, and you're at Apple.
What are you feeding those people?
What do they eat?
People at Apple, I can't even imagine.
I bet it just seemed to me like they would just come through like robots, you know?
Like they just all have sunburn on their face from the screen.
Just screen burn.
You know, some dude's been on Google on a search engine for so long, he just has it like imprinted into his face.
Onward, Jesus, thanks for calling and thanks for listening.
Let's hear more.
It's a cool job.
I went to culinary school a couple years ago, and this is where I ended up because the money is better than working at a restaurant, and the hours don't suck ass.
This is what I am doing, feeding a bunch of programmers and a bunch of nerds, basically.
That's it.
You got them nerd eats.
You got them nerd.
Bro, you should do a little thing where you throw a couple treats in the air and watch a couple of them dudes catch them.
Watch them get all fired up, play three flies in with a couple of bugles or some Fritos.
You know, watch them glasses get all steamed up.
A couple of dudes nerding out.
A couple of dudes geeked up.
Carpal tunnel.
That's carpal tunnel country.
Because, you know, people get all hopped up on them space bars and, you know, and next thing you know, they can't move their arms.
You know, and they got to hug elbows first.
They can't really use their hands.
So they can't even juggle.
They just, you know, a lot of times they won't juggle.
They just have three balls just sitting next to them and they'll just be standing there.
You know, when people, that carpal tunnel is a dangerous thing.
You know, I had this lady, I used to work at this insurance company and this lady had it.
And she was kind of heavy enough.
She had real, real chunky forearms.
I mean, this lady probably had about 16 pound forearms on each arm and the biceps were smaller.
You don't see that.
You know, that's almost like a nocturnal creature.
And she had that carpal tunnel.
And she couldn't do, she would get this milkshake and she had to like almost lean back, like kind of lean back and land in her chair and then land the milkshake on her shoulder and then catch that hit out that shake.
You know, catch that hit out that sweet milk cup.
So because she couldn't, you know, she had them heavy arm.
I mean, dude, this lady was, you know, she had, you know, 32 pounds of forearm and carpal tunnel.
That means her fingers was all busted out.
She had them Riddick Bow knuckles, you know.
Her fingers was all, you know, not doing well and probably just moving back to Philadelphia.
You know, she had them Bernard Hopkins on her.
So, you know, you got to be careful out there, man.
You got to be careful when you're feeding those people.
Don't feed them something heavy.
You know, if these are programmers and they running them keys all day, you know, and they hitting them.
And dude, programmers, bro, they're not like we're regular people.
We use ASDFJKL Sim.
We use the regular space bars.
You know, maybe hit one and two once in a while.
Maybe look up and see where the other numbers are and hit one of those.
But programmers, they use the outside buttons, outside of the middle stuff.
I don't even know what that is, that stuff.
One of those things that just is like that.
What the fuck is that, bro?
Like a sideways straight line that just kind of fell over.
It's like a tree that fucking fell over but didn't fall all the way.
What is that?
They got all kind of shit over there.
Little shark faces.
They have everything.
And that's where those guys operate in that outside realm, in that sphere.
You know, they out there in that, in that, what do they call that?
That what the fuck is that word?
I don't know.
In that coral reef of computering.
So they're out there.
But yeah, man, so be careful.
Don't give them something heavy.
Don't give them that two-pound burger.
You'll fucking snap a dude's wrist.
You know, that dude's supposed to, you know, he's supposed to program the next fucking, you know, Safari or Lion or whatever they got.
You know, Guatemalan fuck monkey, whatever the new iOS operating system is going to be.
You know, that leopard or whatever, that cheetah, that MILF.
Dude, wouldn't MILF be a good operating system?
That thing always wants to fuck.
But anyhow, onward.
Thanks for calling.
Keep doing your thing, boy.
We'll keep supporting you.
This past weekend family loves you.
Thanks, Jesus, man.
I appreciate that, dude.
And thank you for working hard, man.
You went in there.
You got your degree.
You got that culinary.
And now you're up there working at Apple.
Next thing you know, you're going to hear something at work one day.
You're going to hear somebody drop a little bit of knowledge, that stock tip.
You know, you're going to hear somebody's going to drop maybe a little USB drive that has the secrets of the universe on it.
And you're going to get that bitch and be like, dang, Pluto is back.
They found Pluto.
Or, you know what I'm saying?
Or Chewbacca was just a lesbian.
You're going to find out that rare shit that we don't know because you're in there.
You're working in the realm.
Thanks for listening, Jesus.
And thanks for calling.
Onward, let's hear another call.
What's up, Theo?
I just listened to this week's episode, and you asked for comments on monogamy.
You talked a little about your own struggle about if you didn't know if you could stay in a monogamous relationship for long.
Yep, that's true.
That's a big fear of mine.
And I appreciate you calling.
Let's hear more.
And I think similarly to other dark arts, like you quit doing Coke, which is great, you say you make the decision every day, you know, that I'm not going to drink or drug today.
And I think a lot of people in relationships don't do that with any concerns to cheating on their partner.
I think if you leave it up to circumstance, it's going to happen.
When you meet somebody, you can kind of gauge where that new friendship or relationship is going to go.
You know, you're right.
If you leave it up to circumstance, that's true.
Because circumstance is controlled now.
This didn't, you know, this isn't 20 years ago when circumstance was circumstance.
Oh yeah, somebody might see you singing in the lounge and, you know, they'll give you a record deal.
This ain't then.
You might bump into somebody and next, that might not be the case now.
Circumstance is controlled.
So, you know, it's like you see an ad, you click on an ad for shoes on Facebook and next thing you know, you walk outside and there's three models walking through your apartment complex and they all wearing those fucking sneakers.
And you're like, damn, these bitches got on my brain hoofs.
They just, they, they picked these hoofs right out of my brain.
That's how it is.
There's no circumstance anymore.
It's all being advertised.
It's being sold to you constantly.
And that's the dark arts.
And if you don't think Poissy is one of them dark arts, come on, man.
Come in.
You know, they got a buddy of mine back in Louisiana, and that's what you talk to him.
He says, come on.
Come in.
But, dude, there's no circumstance.
Oh, you think that, oh, look, I love, you know, chocolate-covered pear slices.
I love those.
Daddy loves them.
And they just popped up on my Facebook.
It's a blessing.
That ain't no blessing.
I mean, it's a blessing that you like them.
I like them.
I love pears.
Most underrated fucking fruit out there.
People talking apples, people talking oranges.
Bitch, a pear?
A soft pear?
That thing will jump in your mouth and fucking sunbathe on your tongue.
But you ever had pear juice?
Dude, pear juice is so good, it runs out the side of your fucking face.
Advertise, that's advertising to other people.
Come get this saucy sauce.
Other fruits don't do that.
They don't have it like that.
A pear knows it's good.
It's like I'm going in you and out of you at the same time.
That's an uncontrollable flow if you got a good hit of pear.
Boy, you leave a couple slices of pear out there outside.
You come outside in the morning, you find a couple beautiful babies out there.
A couple young, you know, legally aged shorties out there lurking, trying to meet you, you know.
Because they know you got them tasty fruits, papa, papi.
Oh, Papiga got them fruitas.
Oh, he got them pear slices.
Hey, Papi, we've been sleeping out here all night, you know.
No duerme.
Yo, necesito más per más pears, boy.
Pears in Spanish, what is it?
Oh, it's pearas.
Ooh, nosotros necesitamos más pearas.
That's a thing, boy.
A couple slices of pear, that's baby bait.
You put that stuff out in the yard, boy.
You show up.
Everything you love is in the fucking front yard.
Everybody like a pear.
And if you don't like a pear, guess what?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Nobody.
Because you don't have any friends.
Everybody likes pears.
So you know that.
But what was I saying, man?
What was I talking about here?
Let me get back in here.
Sorry, I'm all over the place.
Oh, the staying monogamous, right?
It's not the same anymore.
You know, you got, it's all being pushed to you.
It's all, the advertising is too strong.
And if you don't make that choice every day, you're right.
And, you know, I don't make it as much as I should.
You know, I give in to the temptations where I'm looking at this and next thing, you know, I'm leaning over to that.
You know, I had about 13 years, 13 days off that masturbation.
You know, off doing that self-skeet.
You know, playing with your own fucking meaty little high rise.
And I had about 13 days sober and then somebody sent me a link to look at a massage chair.
Dude, next thing you know, boy, I'm massaging my own fucking furniture shop, boy.
I'm about to, you know, I'm about to jerk an end table out of my wiener.
And it just, that's how it happens that fast.
Because the massage chair has sexy stuff on it.
So it's just that that bait is constantly there.
You got to be on guard for your brain.
You know what I'm saying?
You ever heard of a Rottweiler?
You got to be a thought wilder.
You got to keep them thoughts.
I'm that thought wilder, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
If you're trying to send a thought at me, I strike first.
And I spray a couple hits of thought begone into the air.
And I, you know, steer clear thoughts.
I'm that thought wilder because I'm trying to stay savage.
I'm trying to stay on a track that is where I'm headed.
You know, because they got this deviant, you know, these ladies running around with deviant crotch.
And whether it's through pornography or, you know, outside sources, whatever, they're trying to get you to swirl this way, swirl that way.
Oh, what is that?
Oh, is that some, you know, titty in the distance?
What is it?
They're trying to get you.
You know, a thought will just, you know, these ladies will leave a bra, they'll leave a bra in your yard, and you don't even fucking know them.
They'd be driving down the winter to throwing bras out in yards.
You know, just brasiering up, you know, front sod.
That's the way it is, man.
It's dangerous out there for men.
So if you don't get up every day and stand guard, because we're not strong enough, I don't think.
I'm not anyway.
I don't have that thing inside of me right now that is, you know, I'm susceptible.
I'm an addict.
I'll fall victim to the elements.
It's like if it's raining, I'll get wet.
If it's raining, I'm the kind of dude that's raining outside.
Oh, I can make it to the car without getting wet.
What the fuck?
No, you can't.
It's impossible.
Only way you can make it to the car without getting wet is if you were like a half inch wide and a half inch, you know, also wide the other way.
And you were able to run through all those raindrops like Marshall Falk.
You can't do that.
You know, not in this, I think maybe if you're traveling at the speed of sound or something, your body like compresses and you could do that maybe.
But that's crazy.
And that's not real.
That's not even, I don't know what I'm talking about.
But you can't, I mean, this is, we're not, I don't, for me, I don't think we, whatever we put it, they put in our head, this is war.
This is mental warfare.
And you got to have that thought wilder.
Because that thought wilder needs to be striking down, just biting batches down.
Oh, here come a batch that wants something.
And here come a got a group of batches at the end.
You got to have that thought wilder and have him be on the attack.
Because they come in for you.
And they don't want you.
They want your things.
They want your vibe.
They want your soul.
But not the good parts of your soul.
They want the nougat, you know.
They want to take all a nougat and run off with a nougat sack.
That's why you see thoughts sometimes running in the distance with a sack of nougat.
But they don't want that nut, you know.
They don't want that core.
They don't want that, you know, they don't want that nuclei.
So you got to be careful, man.
Let's hear a little more.
And if you don't nip a new friendship or relationship is going to go, and if you don't nip it in the bud, you're leaving the door open.
Let's hear that part again because this is a good part.
Onward.
When you meet somebody, you can kind of gauge where that new friendship or relationship is going to go.
And if you don't nip it in the bud, you're leaving the door open.
In which case, you're probably going to end up cheating if that person, you know.
Look, that's what they say.
You hang out in a barbershop, you're going to get a haircut.
You're going to get a haircut.
If you hang out in a barbershop, you're going to get a haircut.
You know, when you meet somebody, what's going on.
You know, when you leave the restaurant, you tell your wife you left your keys inside, you run back in and you're flirting at the hostess stand with some girl.
You know what's going on.
You know, you know when you meet somebody, when you leave the relationship, how it is, you know what can happen.
We know.
We know we can't lie and then say, oh, it's chance, it's this, it's that.
We know.
You know, you know that's the possibilities and the consequences.
You know it.
So you have to be on guard, I think these days.
Monogamy, that healthy, that, you know, unless you have an understanding, unless you, you know, you're discussing this with your spouse, I think, I don't fucking know, man.
I'm not even married, bro.
I'm fucking scared of it.
So, what do I know?
Let's hear more.
Entices you to do so.
So, I think bottom line is: it's important to make that decision.
I'm not going to cheat on my partner.
You heard him.
That's an adult male right there saying when he wakes up in the morning, he lets his thought wilder loose.
And he knows that that thought wilder guarding his grounds.
Gang.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I don't have a ton to talk about today, guys.
You know, sometimes I don't know if I feel like a responsibility to have a bunch of stuff to talk about.
But I'm trying to think.
I think I took some notes of some fun stuff I wanted to talk about, but I can't find nothing.
So maybe that's it for now.
Let's take another call here.
We did have some great calls that came in.
Here we go.
This is Jay in Denver.
I love the podcast, man.
But I got to let you know, I think when you start getting into issues of race, you got a little lost sometimes.
Thank you for calling, Jay.
I appreciate it.
And that's okay, man.
How can I share if I don't get lost?
Let's hear more.
So specifically, I'm talking about your podcast where you brought the Kanye stuff.
In one breath, you'll say people should never forget their history because you're not going to.
And then you talk about your struggles as a poor white man as someone from the South.
And I'm from the South too, man.
I'm from Florida.
But at the same time, it sounds like you're trying to deny black people their history, just like Kanye was, just like he's trying to rewrite history, talking about slavery as a choice, just like Ben Carson did, talking about slavery as immigration.
It's not that he's not allowed to think.
It's not that he's not allowed to think out loud.
It's that when people talk shit, you're allowed to call them out on it.
Right.
That's true.
I mean, you're right.
I mean, but I feel like, and I appreciate you calling, Jay.
Thank you for calling, man.
And thanks for bringing this up.
You know, I feel like, yeah, you don't want to forget your story.
You don't want to forget your struggle.
But if at a certain point, if, you know, what's the risk in reframing it?
What's the risk in saying, oh, we're not, you know, if you always want to think of yourself as a slave, and not trying to think of yourself as an immigrant, you know, and I don't know.
I mean, you're never going to not take something out of somebody's heart or somebody's brain.
But if you repackage it or re, you know, if you rebrand it some, does it make anything easier?
I don't know.
I don't know.
You know, I'm trying to put myself like into a situation where it's like, you know, like people always thought, you know, would say that I was a redneck.
And so what I started to think of myself as is, is rural.
Because I thought that redneck was, I didn't like it.
I thought it had a connotation that, you know, left me feeling negative in some ways.
It left me feeling limited.
People would try to put me on to host shows where it was like a redneck something.
I said, no, I don't want that job.
That's not for me because that's not me.
And so I didn't want to be those things.
And so I tried to rebrand that for me as rural.
You know, I'm from a rural place.
You know, because more people are from those places.
And I can relate on a wider level than just a redneck.
There's nothing wrong with it, but that's not me.
But that's not me.
So I try to reframe it as something for me that feels more comfortable for me to say to people, you know, that I grew up in a rural area.
And maybe that's not, maybe my comparison isn't good.
Yeah, it might not be, man.
It's, you know, I'm sure there's a lot of faults in it.
But I definitely thought that Kanye's words were taken out of context and that he's just saying, you know, if we continue, if we continue to think of ourselves this way, is that the best mindset to have out there?
That's what I took from it.
You know, I didn't think he was saying, let's forget that we were ever slaves.
I mean, shit, you can't ever forget that.
You know, but at a certain point, a lot of people are about moving forward.
What the fuck are we going to do?
I can't do anything if somebody was a slave 400 years ago.
I can't do anything if a slave was, people were a slave a thousand years ago.
You know, I can't meet somebody from Egypt or somebody from anywhere.
Really, everybody's been enslaved.
I can't meet somebody and be like, sorry, Bucko.
I mean, how long back do we get, does the buck go back?
You know, I don't know.
I'm not trying to take away anybody's heritage, take away any thoughts about it.
But let's hear more, though.
I want to hear more, man.
I appreciate you calling, Jay.
I think this is kind of one of those things that comedians lose me with sometimes.
You tell a bad joke, you get booed.
You say some outlandish, stupid bullshit, you get called out on it.
Yeah.
Yeah, I just don't think, I don't think that it's bullshit.
I mean, that's why, and I don't listen to the media, dude.
I don't let the media determine what I feel.
You know, I would go listen to it.
I went and watched Kanye's the whole video.
I mean, I thought it was a tough place to really have that conversation.
I thought the guy came back with him a real, you know, with just a, just kind of a, you know, with a pretty standard conversation right back at him, like this mainstream sort of vibe.
But I also thought that the man personalized it, the guy that was rebuttling with him on TMZ, and that, and that the guy, you know, I thought it was a good conversation.
At least people were sharing what they thought.
So, but yeah, you're right, you know, and people do.
They have the right to call him, you know, call bullshit on him.
I just didn't like the way that it was immediately that it was bad.
Oh, immediately this is bad.
What if it's just his perspective?
Well, how about this article?
Kanye's perspective on this.
Boom.
And that's what's happening with Kanye.
Kanye put himself in the public eye, probably to sell his new album, and he says some stupid shit.
And black people, white people, conservatives, liberals, young, old, they're calling him out on it.
they have every right to do.
I love you, I respect you, but I do think you should push yourself.
Have on a black guest.
Talk to someone who doesn't agree with you.
Shit, talk to me.
Kanye doesn't speak for all black people.
And neither does Venkarson, neither do I. So get some perspectives, man.
Because I love you.
I'm going to keep listening, keep supporting.
Theo.
Thanks for that, Jay, man.
And thanks for the, you know, being understanding.
Yeah, you're right.
You know, you're right that we should have some guests on.
You know, we'll get diverse and we'll get some more diverse guests on so we can talk about some stuff and have some different perspectives.
But at the same time, I can't not have my own perspective.
You know, and I know you're not saying to, but you're saying, well, you did say get some perspective.
And that is my perspective.
You know, I just think, I think people are ready for just new ways to think because I think some of these old ways to think aren't getting us anywhere.
You know, we've had the same racial issues in America for so long.
I think some of this shit is just like, let's, you know, or is there even any way to move past it unless there's some sort of financial equality?
You know, people talk about white privilege all the time, and I feel that it's green privilege.
You want to put it, it's green privilege, man.
That's what I feel.
It's green privilege.
You know, a lot of wealthy African Americans become Republicans.
You know, it's green privilege.
And how do you make things equal?
I don't know how you do it.
You know, I don't have an answer.
But I don't think anybody's had a fucking answer.
I don't believe any of these political parties have.
And we shouldn't expect them to.
You know, you'll know when you're out of line.
You say something, somebody disagrees with it.
You know?
Or some, you know, or you'll have a conversation about it.
But I, you know, I appreciate it.
You know, like, you're right.
I'm not black.
I don't know about what it's like.
But I, you know, it's just weird to me that Kanye, it's like, that the media immediately is like, oh, this guy's a bad guy.
You know, they'll jump on it.
It doesn't matter.
It's like, oh, yeah, this is horrible way to think.
Let him, because a lot of people don't feel like that.
A lot of people think, hey, let's, is it a horrible way to think?
Is it a way to think?
You know, but I appreciate you calling for Jay and I appreciate you, you know, being supportive if you continue to or not, man.
And you're right.
We'll try to get some guests on.
I've asked a couple of guys.
You know, I've asked a couple of guys and I haven't gotten any yet, but we'll get some.
And we'll bring this topic up when they come in.
This would be a good thing to have.
And hopefully I'll even play this call again so we can discuss it.
Let's go to another call.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo, this is Alex from Boston.
so this past weekend I went up to upstate New York for my sister's graduation.
And, uh, it was, it was kind of uncomfortable because, And my buddy one time, we met some girls at a stoplight.
And I was up there at some college doing a college show.
And we met some young ladies at a stoplight, you know, a couple of stoplight beauties, you know, a couple of yellow light shoddies.
Yeah.
Yeah, man.
A couple of yield bunnies because that yellow light, you got to yield on that yellow.
And we both yielded.
And so we stopped at the same time right after that.
And we're at the stoplight.
We started chatting with me and a friend of mine.
So next thing you know, we end up at this house party.
We go inside.
My buddy got a beer.
And somebody at the party got upset that he got a beer.
And they beat up my friend.
And that's pretty much it, man.
And that was upstate New York.
Oh, and then we all went out to a bar that night.
And one of my friends met this young lady.
And they ended up making love that evening.
And I actually went to, I went to, got locked up.
They took me down to jail for, I was partying basically on school premises and I wasn't supposed to be.
I didn't know this house that we were partying at was on this campus where I performed a show at, blah, blah, blah.
So next thing you know, next thing you know, I got out of jail at like 6.30 or something and went back to the hotel room where we were all staying at.
And the girl that had made love to my buddy also ended up making love to me.
And that's, I think women just like that.
You know, they like a bad boy.
You know, this jail, they like that jailbird.
They like that.
They like that jail bunny.
You know, they like that jail bunny.
And that's that, man.
That's, you know, I think, and this lady had the darkest bush on her body.
Because some girls got that body bush.
They still rocking that front bush.
And this was upstate New York and anything goes up there.
You know, you'll find a, you know, you'll have a woman who'll have a tattoo in the back of her throat up there.
You know, they'll have a woman, just a huge semi-automatic weapon tattooed across, just right across her tits.
I mean, it's wild.
That's neck tat country.
You know, that's tetanus shot.
Everybody up there stepping on rusty nails and that's tetanus shot country.
And this lady, this lady, she, you know, she ended up making love to me.
And she had a real dark bush, man.
I'm like, she just dyed it with cold water.
You know, like she had just dyed it with the own, you know, like the devil was making ink pens and they went out of business at the company and he had a bunch of extra ink and she got a hold of some of it because maybe her stepbrother broke into the factory and he got a hold of some and he gave some to her for Christmas because they didn't have much money.
And the next thing, you know, she was dying her bush with the devil's ink.
So that's something that happened up there in upstate New York.
But let's hear more, Paul.
Sorry, I'm rambling.
I used to sit with my parents.
And as my sister was graduating, her boyfriend actually came and sat next to us.
And so my sister is 19 and her boyfriend is 39 years old.
Wow.
That 19 and 39. You know what can happen?
My mother was 32 when I was born.
My father was 70. So there's a 38-year difference.
So I could meet a nine-month-old right now, you know, and not be interested in a creepy way, but you know, be looking out for the future.
And that would be the same, you know, when that nine-month-old turned 32, that would be the same equivalent of my mother and father.
But let's hear more right here, Paul.
So 20-year difference.
And this has been going on for a while.
And needless to say, my dad was pretty pissed.
You know, the dude was trying to make small talk with us the whole time and just didn't go so hot, man.
So, you know, I just had to sit there and I was just like, come on, man.
He's trying to ask me about how I'm doing and all this shit.
And it's just like, come on.
And I don't really know what to do about that whole situation.
Yeah, if anyone has any suggestions on what I should do here or what I can do, I really appreciate it.
Thanks, Paul.
I appreciate it, man.
You know, that's a good question, man.
If there's any listeners out there who think I have some suggestions for Paul, what he should do, his sister's 19. She's dating a 39-year-old.
You know, they're sitting at a sporting event, and this man, this adult male, is trying to chat him up, trying to get into his ears with, you know, with thoughts and ideas and questions.
Well, I'll say this, man.
The guy could have played fucking, you know, a G'd up kind of role and tried not to speak with you.
You know, the guy could have played that.
The guy, but he's trying to communicate some.
I mean, he probably feel like he has to.
He probably felt really out of place.
You know, it's got to be super awkward.
And what do you do?
I think in that point, man, you fuck it.
Yeah.
I think you got to give that dude cold shoulder.
Man, if there's some 39-year-old dude running around with my 19-year-old sister, come on.
No, sir.
Get out of there.
I just couldn't handle that.
Yeah, I say, fuck it, man.
You know, I'd tell that, honestly, I'd tell that dude to hit the road, but then that could create issues between you and your sister.
So, but you could always tell your sister what you think.
You got to do it in a caring way, though.
If you do it in a mean way, then she might just rebel and continue to date him just based on the, you know, just based on that fuel that you're spitting that gasoline at her.
So, but that's a, you know, that's something.
Because you got that man out there, he trying to get that naughty naughty.
You know, he probably out there doing wild stuff with your sister, you know, and I'm not trying to get you to think about all that, but at the same time, he out there probably 69 and then doing all of that shit.
You know, and then they probably laying there and eating starbursts and shit because, you know, young people usually have candy around.
So that man, he's definitely, you know, he's hanging out by the devil's doorbell, dude.
So, you know, I think you cannot let him into the house.
That's for damn sure.
So I wouldn't be rude about it, but I would go to your sister and just let her know how you feel.
And then after that, you know, you have two choices.
You could tell the dude to fucking get to hit the road, or you can just, you know, be supportive of your sister and just be nice to the guy when you can, because you care about your sister and you want to care about what she cares about.
But I think that that's out of line.
Now, if it's in Hollywood, then fuck, that's okay.
In Hollywood, you could do whatever the fuck you want.
You know, you could do whatever you want in Hollywood.
So let's hear more.
Here we go.
All right, what's up, the Ovizi's Shaboya Chaffer Vegas?
And I'm not saying it's right in Hollywood, but I'm saying Hollywood, we'll tell you shit's wrong, but we'll do it.
Let's hear more.
What's up, the Ovizi Shaboya Chaffron Vegas?
I want to throw my hat in the ring for best slash worst past weekend.
Oh, Chad, he got the best slash worst last weekend.
So also, each month, anytime you can hit the hotline.
If you got a good weekend or a bad weekend, hit the hotline with it and tell us your weekend, good or bad.
And, you know, try and be around 60 seconds in time on your message or whatever, but tell us what happened.
And if it's the best one for the month, then we'll send you out a little gift bag, a little sack of hitters from this past weekend.
Onward, let's hear more.
Let me tell you what, I woke up with my eye fucking stuck shut and one eye, my left eye.
Oh, eyes stuck shut.
That sounds like a fucking movie, dude.
It sounds like a movie of some shit that happened at a glue factory.
Let's hear more.
What happened was I had, first off, I had to call out of work.
Well, first, I thought I was going to get some Benadryl and just lose some allergies.
I said a picture to my friend, this nice Filipino lady, and she said, no, man, you got a bacterial infection.
Oh, you got that teriel.
You got that teriel up in your optics.
Let's hear it.
And I was like, what?
Conjunctivitis?
She said.
And I was like, fuck that.
Yeah, you got the conjunctivitis, dude.
You got that conjunctivitis, boy.
And we had actually had a dude.
We had a kid named Junctivitis Dalmont when I was growing up.
This mixed kid.
And he was beautiful kid.
And he had a fucking, bro, he had the fattest neck I'd ever seen on somebody.
Junctivitis Dalmont.
Let's hear more.
I'm a grown man.
You can't get that shit as a fucking adult.
Well, junctivitis, man, I'll be straight up.
That's from, you know, when you put a little bit of downtown in your uptown.
That's when you got your booty on your hand or something or somebody's booty on your hand and you put that booty up in your eye.
So that's, you know, you don't have to be a damn scientist to know how that shit works, bro.
That's straight up.
That's that hand-eye coordination, but also with some booty in there.
Let's hear more.
Long story short, I'm washing my hands and I remembered that I touched this lady's vagina that night before.
Oh, yeah.
Dude, that's a crazy memory.
And that's one thing I don't remember that I don't forget, like about drinking and stuff.
That's one thing I don't miss is just that surprise memory.
It'll be two days later and you're like, damn, I fucked Annie.
You just forget about that.
You know, anything could happen, you know, when you're out there drinking and on the dust.
Let's hear more.
And then rub my eye.
So, Fuck.
Oh.
Why, bruh?
Dude, that's crazy.
Why would you touch somebody's vagina and then rub your eye?
Your eye, dude?
Your eye is straight up like a vagina for sight, bruh.
That's that fucking sight cooter.
And you got two of them, man.
And they're teamworkers.
And they provide visuals for you, bruh.
That's your vaginas.
And you out there, you touching some adult lady, you said, that mean anywhere from 30 to 70 on the dance floor.
So I'm guessing probably 30 to 65. And then you straight up taking that up to your, and you hitting yourself in the visuals with that straight up coup sauce, boy.
Come on, man.
Come on.
Come on.
Let's hear more.
Fuck.
Got that, I don't know, that bacteria.
Oh, you got that tearia, bro, in your visual area more.
That big V. Hope it's not that big G. Yeah, you got that junctivitis, man.
Junctivitis Dalmont.
And if anybody sees him, man, please tag him in this so that he'll get to listen and get that shout out.
But, Chad, good luck out there, and we'll put that in for our contestant.
You can drop any thoughts you have on this episode or any episode, 985-664-9503.
Let's hear more.
Hey, P.O., this is Derek from San Diego.
Calling to ask you a question about masturbating.
Ask away, dude.
I only have, I'm probably a black belt in it, or at least a freaking, I could be a light brown belt in it.
Let's go.
Actually, I want to ask you a question about not masturbating.
The last time I tried to not masturbate, I lasted about eight days, and then I couldn't get any work done.
Whenever I saw somebody drop something to pick it up, my mind went to that place, and I cannot walk 10 feet without thinking about things I was going to do in my mind that was sexual.
Oh, dude, you might be a dang Rapiste, bruh.
You know, not to get real Spanish, but you might be a dang per vert.
Because you can't think about it.
Look, man, if you're thinking about it that much, then you got to take a vacation.
You need to go to the North Pole.
You need to go to the North Pole, if it even exists.
You know, if Eddie Bravo is your travel agent, you're not going to be able to go everywhere.
But you need to go to the North Pole and get into it out there.
Because that's the thing.
You got to relax out there and let that North get in your nuts because you're too hot.
You're too hot, man.
Somebody drops something, anybody?
What if it's somebody with carpal tunnel and heavy front arms and they dropping shit?
And next thing you know, you out there trying to fuck them.
And they're just, you know, somebody that's just not strong.
Come on, you're better than that.
You know, you're better than that.
You're better than that.
You can, you know, you just, but you got to relax, man.
I would take a northern tour, Sweden, Alaska, North Pole.
You know, watch cold movies.
You know, what is a cold movie?
The air up there.
You know, put a book in the freezer.
Read it.
You know, do shit that's going to chill you out because if you're out there trying to fuck after eight days, you're trying to fuck strangers, dude.
That's a crime.
That's a crime.
Let's hear more.
So I knew I had to take care of business as soon as possible just so I could do my job.
What's the longest you've been able to go without masturbating?
And did you have any problems?
I went about 30 days.
And my thing is I just get triggered, you know, kind of like you, but I don't have that thing like I, I mean, I have that thing that I kind of want to fuck, you know, but that's just that general malaise.
You know, that's just that general ambiance that's in my chest, that's in my neck, that's in my nuts.
But I don't see somebody, you know, you know, that's, you know, somebody that's, you know, dropped something on the street and want to fuck them just because they, you know, are kind of clumsy.
If anything, if I don't want to fuck clumsy people because I want somebody that's handling my dick with care.
But I went 30 days and it felt good.
I started to feel alive.
My legs felt straighter.
What else?
My, you know, I was talking to family and friends more.
I could hear better.
Bro, we are, if you, we talked about this in the beginning, that we are at war with pornography and masturbation.
You want to know what's killing men?
It is pornography.
I'll say that to the grave.
Nobody jerked off this much as us.
I mean, back in the day, you was a grandparent at 45. You were a grandparent.
You were dead at 47, 48. You know, you died beautiful.
You died a beautiful person with nice hair and nice skin.
Now we live to 100, 106.
People dying.
You can't even tell if they living.
You got to get up next to them and touch them or put a thermometer in them.
You can't even tell.
But back in the day, we died early because we were grandparents.
Because you got married.
You had to work.
You might have died of yellow fever or something.
You wasn't busting them out here like we are.
We'll bust them for no reason.
There's no reason.
We're not sexually attracted.
We're just fucking looking at something, reacting, busting.
That's what I'm saying, man.
It's catered.
Everything's catered for You.
It's consequent.
Everything is customized right there for you.
Everything.
It's coming to get you.
You know, there's no more just, oh, this is a random thing that no, it's coming to get you.
And it wants all the seed out of your nuts and it wants all the money out of your wallet.
And it wants you to think the way it wants you to think.
It doesn't want you to think outside of the box.
It doesn't want you to.
All right.
Thank you for calling, though, Derek.
I appreciate it.
Let's hear another call here.
Here we go.
Hey, what's up, T. I don't know if you can tell by my voice or not, but I'm definitely a broken man right now.
Oh, man.
I'm sorry you're having a tough time, man.
Thanks for calling in.
You know, it's okay, dude.
We all, you know, you having a tough time today, I'll have a tough time tomorrow.
So thank you for taking the first shift.
Let's hear more.
Or a child that's still drawn, whatever you want to say.
My biggest fear in life is showing my parents that I'm not grateful for them.
Hmm.
Showing your parents you're not grateful for them.
I can empathize with that.
Yeah, that's pretty much it.
I don't know how to show my parents I'm grateful for them without spending money that I don't fucking have.
I don't know how to show them.
It tears me up inside because my biggest fear is before they die, you know, I didn't have an opportunity to show them that I'm going to be successful.
Okay, so your biggest fear is that you're not being able to, that you won't be able to show your parents how much you care about them, that you're grateful for them without spending money that you don't have.
And your biggest fear is that before they die, you won't be successful.
Dependent on my own, you know, to where they don't have to worry about me.
And it just, it kills me, it kills me.
And dependent on your own.
So obviously, you know, it sounds like, or not obviously, but I'm going to assume because, you know, this is just a one-way call, and I'm sorry about that.
I appreciate you leaving the voicemail.
And thank you for calling and, you know, and sharing one of your fears, man.
You, you know, your parents, here's what I feel like is our responsibility for our parents is to be happy.
That's what they want us to be.
They want us to be happy.
And, you know, I've had days where I've had some money and I've had days where I've had no money.
And next week I'll have both of those types of days and next month I'll have both of those types of days.
And I couldn't fathom if my mother's affections differed depending upon which type of vibe I was riding or which reality I was living, having money or not having money.
It's always been the same.
You know, because your mother just wants you to be happy.
Are you happy?
Are you okay?
How are you feeling?
Not how are you financed?
I mean, you know, I guess if your parents can offer to help, then they might ask how your finances are.
But here's what I'm going to go out on a limb here.
I'm going to imagine that, you know, it sounds like you're still, you know, you're still dependent upon your parents some.
And you want them to know that you care.
You're probably, you know, it sounds like you're, you know, making some wild choices or not really sure where you are on your path in life yet.
And maybe there's pressure from your parents or you feel that they are pressuring you into getting your path straighter.
Or you don't want to get your path straight right now and you are, and it makes you feel good to put, you know, to kind of blame them a little.
You know?
Yeah, it feels good to say, oh, my, you know, I'm just worried my parents won't feel grateful.
You know, I'm worried that I'll never make them happy.
Man, you probably make them happy just by being alive.
You know?
Now, if you, are you telling yourself, man, you know, they're not happy with me just because that gives you an edge against them?
Like that gives you an argument with them, which then lets you justify whatever behaviors you're doing that are keeping you from getting your shit together?
I've done that.
You know, I've held, you know, I've called somebody out, you know, because it gave me something to stand on, even though they weren't really doing shit.
And that was all just to mask that I wasn't doing shit.
You know, that I wasn't pulling my end of the bargain.
But no matter which one of those it is or isn't, man, you know, I feel, I feel for you.
And I'm sorry that you don't feel good.
But you know what you can do no matter what is going on.
You can always apologize and you can always start to take the next right action.
And that right action can be small.
It can be big.
You know, if you're boozing and getting fucked up every night, it might be hard to keep those things in line.
You know, and you can sometimes leave a trail of terror in your wake when you're out there partying and not taking care of stuff.
But I bet your only responsibility, as far as I'm concerned, to you, as to your parents, is to be happy.
Is to be happy.
If you move to fucking Guam and teach yoga, if you do service work, if you make a million, whatever, if your parents' happiness depends upon you making money, then that's on them.
If that's the real truth, then that's on them, dude.
That's not your, that's not, then that's their problem.
You know, you could always go to like Al-Anon group or a 12-step program that could help you kind of figure out some of those feelings and figure out kind of if you're, you know, where you stand in all that.
And if you're blaming them too much or if you're blaming yourself or what, that can kind of help.
But if you're just blaming them, man, and just because it gives you a leg to stand on, you know, they're not, you know, they're not going to think you're grateful.
Well, do esteemable things.
You know, esteemable people do esteemable actions.
And things can turn around quickly.
Things can always turn around quickly.
And the biggest misconception I've ever heard is that a leopard never changes its spots.
I don't believe that.
I believe that you can.
But I hope you feel better, brother, and good luck.
And you're not alone, man.
Love you, bruh.
You know, keep it together.
Do something good.
Take it easy.
Chill for the evening.
Watch 101 Dalmatians.
You seen that movie?
It's about a wild lady, but she has a lot of dogs.
And so it's crazy because you know she's wild and she's dark, but you know them dogs got all just good hearts in them.
And so it's a real juxtaposition type of programming.
Let's hear one more call here.
Here we go.
My name is Nicole.
I'm 34. My boyfriend is 40. And he's struggling really hard with alcoholism.
And I know you've struggled.
Thanks for calling, Nicole.
I'm sorry to hear about your boyfriend.
Sorry to hear about that.
What's up?
I tried everything.
Nothing's working.
I think your passiveness and your non-judgmental way of going about things is maybe something, I don't know, new we could try.
We've been best friends for 15 years, and I finally gave him a chance, and he's ruining it.
Yeah, alcoholics will ruin a lot of stuff, you know, and I hate to say it, there's nothing that you can do.
You could go to Alcoholics Anonymous.
You could go to Al-A-Non, which is different than AA.
Al-Anon is a program for people that have lived with or had alcoholics affect them in their lives.
It teaches you what happens to you when an alcoholic is in your life.
Because alcoholics, a lot of times, will affect everyone around them.
And that also is not the exact technical definition of Al-Anon, but that's my own definition.
But I'll say this.
He's not your responsibility.
You're your responsibility.
And I don't know how old you are or what's going on, but I think you got to take responsibility for yourself.
You've been friends for 15 years.
If he's an alcoholic, he's not going to be able to take care of himself.
And he's not going to be able to take care of you.
So I think you need to keep a distance, maybe.
I think you should keep a distance.
Sometimes, the good thing about being a friend of an alcoholic is that you have a chance to actually really affect them.
And you'll know what's right or not.
But you can't expect to, if you're trying to fall in love with an alcoholic or get them to shape and, you know, turn your life into a heart shape, I just don't know if that's feasible.
You know, and I don't think that it's a safe idea.
They say when you get into AA, you shouldn't even get in a relationship for the first year.
So, you know, I don't know.
I'm sorry you're going through that, though.
But I think some of those Al-Anon meetings, because SuperHelp, they're everywhere.
And you can get into one of those and really, really, you know, you could really hopefully find some people that can help you learn and help you feel better.
I wish that I knew more.
We got a write-in right here.
This came in through this past weekend hotline.
And you can check that out at theovon.com.
And there's podcasts.
You just click on the podcast and there's ways to submit to the podcast.
Here's what this person said.
I'm hitting the hotline with something from deep down in all the feelers.
Here's the deal.
I'm a 31-year-old secret.
At the time I was conceived, my gay mother was doing Coke with my birth father.
She wanted a kid.
He was married with kids already, but my mother promised him that I'd be kept a secret.
31 years later, still a secret.
Would you seek these people out if you were me?
Would you let the cat out of the bag to potentially meet your real brothers and sisters?
Look forward to hearing your input, my friend.
Thanks for the laughs in that beautiful head of gender-neutral hair.
Dustin.
Thanks for checking in, Dustin.
You know, you're conceived by a gay mother and a father on cocaine.
Boy, I bet you were probably born in about maybe eight weeks, huh?
31 years later, you're still a secret.
So you have very little family on your mom's side, but you have five siblings who aren't aware of your existence due to the secret on your father's side.
What would I do?
I don't know.
You know, I don't know what I would do, man.
I think I would try to find out, would you be reaching out for them?
Are you reaching out to, you know, to have drama in your life?
Are you reaching out to spill the apple cart?
Are you reaching out because you actually want them to know?
You know, I would try to get it.
What's the real reason you're doing it?
I would ask yourself the real reason.
I mean, you can always be patient.
You know, you can never ask them too soon or you can never tell them too soon.
So you could always wait and do it when you know for sure.
One of my problems is I overreact and I'll do things really quick that I should wait and take time to do.
But this is a good question.
If people have some thoughts, they can hit in on this.
They can hit in on this and drop their comments or questions to 985-664-9503.
We're going to get to one more write-in.
Also, this episode is always brought to you by The Ridge.
You can go to RidgeWallet.com slash Theo and 10% off from Ridge Wallet.
And it's a beautiful front carry, and I have one in my pocket right now.
Took about five days to get used to, and I love it.
One more time, I'm going to tell you guys about cannabis.
My West Coast Buds is a new podcast.
Go check them out.
It's an inside look at cannabis comedy, coffee, and spirits.
And the host is Joe Demio.
And we'll put a link in below for that.
What else?
Oh, we had one more text comment that came in.
Hi, Theo.
My name is Christine.
I'm 24, and I'm from Long Island, New York.
Shout out New York.
Can't even get mugged in Manhattan over there.
Too many rich people.
You got to go out to Queens to really still get fucked up, I think.
I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate and admire you for creating a space for yourself and others to just be real.
I love your comedy.
You're also the only man I know that can make a mullet sexy.
And that's sweet of you to say.
And I don't know if this is a mullet, but I know it's something wild.
And your accent, too, I mean, goddamn.
But moving onward, yesterday's episode of TPW really hit me in the heart in the best way possible.
Your call with Mickey was what a lot of us needed to hear.
I was all up in my feels.
Sometimes I get so caught up in the mundane routine of my everyday life that I forget to look around me and see how blessed I truly am.
So, thank you so much for being you.
I just can't wait for you to come to New York and I hope to have a conversation with you one day.
Stay fly, bruh.
Christina.
Man, she sounds fine.
You know, Mickey's conversation did that for me too.
You know, and that's what all this does.
You know, because I'm a last-minute learner.
Something is I have to learn at the last minute and I have to learn over and over again.
You know, you can remind me to be a good person right now and I can do it for 20 minutes and then my brain fucking shifts gears or it wants to shift out.
And so I have to be constantly reminded.
So I appreciate you guys, you know, constantly reminding me to think about different things.
You know, we had some good stuff today.
Jesus, the line cook, I'm thinking about my boy out there fucking juggling waffles and fucking, you know, maybe got a couple hits of shrimp in his jaw and he's grilling up grilled cheeses and fucking, you know, just slamming it down, you know, these programmers just fucking stuffing it right up in their iTunes holes, just fucking putting it right in that dirty browser spot.
You know, I'm thinking about my boy Derek, who's eight days off that bus bust.
You know, he's laying off that masturbation.
I'm thinking about Jay who called in and he's making me think now about, you know, my thoughts on Kanye.
And, you know, do I, do I have some racial perspective issues?
Do I, I mean, I know that I probably do.
So good.
So now I'm going to have to discuss when I, you know, see a black friend or have a see a friend that's different than me later, has a different view than me, then I'm going to have to talk about it with them.
You know, we got Paul, whose sister's dating that, you know, that 19 on that 39. Look, I'd shut it down, bro.
So this is what this is all about.
And I appreciate you, Christine, for hitting us up on that right end.
What else?
I think that's pretty much it.
I just want to thank you guys for paying attention and being here with us.
I got a run.
We got this, you know, we have that special for Mitzi Shore tonight at the comedy store.
I'm going to do the Jim and Sam podcast.
You can check me on there, Jim Norton.
And what else, man?
I'm feeling kind of antsy and stuff, but I'm trying my best.
You know, some of these episodes are fast and some of them are slow.
And I'm just learning as I go.
You know, it's, I don't know, life's crazy.
You know, life's tough.
It just keeps happening.
And it's so hard sometimes to get a hold on it.
And before, this is one thing about me being in AA, before I got an Alcoholics Anonymous or, you know, went to those meetings and stuff.
And I don't know if I'll always be in.
I don't know.
But before I got in, I was always trying to control every moment of life.
And I was just, you know, I was always trying to control everything.
And it was fucking just exhausting.
And I never could control anything.
You know, and I thought I was, you know, I thought the world just revolved around me.
And there are moments where that still flares up.
So I got to keep tabs, you know, and I got to try and check myself here and there.
You know, because our egos can be dangerous.
And the way that I find myself out of my ego sometimes is by trying to engage with other people, help others, find a way to be supportive, call friends, make a gratitude list.
Did I wake up?
Make 10 things that I'm gracious for, that I'm grateful for.
Anything could be from the air in your lungs to your working cup, to your working fingers, phalanges, whatever.
It could be anything to your friend, and I'll put a reason why, you know?
I'm grateful for Alan because he lent me his overalls and they kept me warm.
So then in my brain, it's like I have what I'm grateful for and I have a reason why.
And that always makes me feel more connected and makes me think out of myself.
But every day is a struggle, man.
And that's life.
We're out here to struggle.
How are you going to hold your struggle?
That's why sometimes I see real rich people and I feel bad for them because you don't have what I got.
They don't have maybe what you have.
They don't have that struggle.
They never had any struggle.
Maybe they struggle for the things that we feel filled with sometimes.
You know, I think it's all cyclical, man.
Somebody has the money, but they don't have any feelings.
Somebody has all the feelings, but they don't have the money.
Somebody's got the looks, but they don't have any heart.
Or not any, but it's all, it's an equation.
You might have eight of one and two of the other, or five of one and five of the other.
Nobody's got all tens.
And I try and remember that, you know, because that helps keep me out of out of jealousy.
You know, I try and remember that I'm a work in progress.
I'll be a work in progress when I lay down in that coffin.
You know, when I fucking drop my jaw in that mahogany, I'll be still a work in progress.
But I'm grateful for you guys being here with me today and just listening to me ramble and stuff.
We only got so many calls in today.
We'll try to do more in the future.
I know, you know, it was what it was and it is what it is.
And if it's on, it's on.
But I'm just grateful you guys are here with me today.
I'm trying to get some exciting guests, trying to get a lady in, trying to get, you know, a Guatemalan, you know, trying to get everybody.
So we're going to try to do everything.
It's, you know, it's a work in progress.
But I appreciate you guys being here.
I appreciate the support on Patreon.
I'll be putting some out for you guys this week.
And just everywhere, you know, just everywhere.
Got some neat stuff popping.
You guys be good to yourselves.
You know, just because, I mean, you probably deserve it, you know.
That's what I'm thinking.
I mean, what do I know?
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sweet.
Easy to you.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Charmaine.
Hi, I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
Oh, no!
Wow!
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
