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March 30, 2018 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von

01:36:57

Jay Mohr | This Past Weekend #84

First guest in the new studio. Jay Mohr comes in. He is a rubix cube in a windstorm. New chairs. New angles of chatting with people. Theo is uncomfortable. Nick is in the producer seat. Onward. Music: Stevie Starlight "Come Over" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RbfQri3Nv3M Greyblock Pizza: https://www.greyblockpizza.com Starflow: Celebrities at their Realest: https://starflow.com Follow Jay Mohr on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jaymohr37/?hl=en Night in Guntsablanca! Patreon Gunt Squad: Alaskan Rock Vodka Angelo Raygun Renee Nicol Matthew Snow Stephanie Claire Steve Corlew Ryan Wolfe Carla Huffman Ben Limes Alexis Caniglia Stoody Stepfan Jefferies David Smith Logan Yakemchuk megan Wrynn Aidan Duffy MEDICATED VETERAN Ken Comstock Dan Ray Audrey Harlan Matthew Popov kristen rogers Josh Cowger Kelly Elliott Mark Glassy Dwehji Majd Jason Haley Jameson Flood Jason Bragg Cory Alvarez Christopher Christensen Scott Lucy Ben Deignan Cody Cummings Shannon Schulte Aaron Stein Ken Melvin Ray Stacy Lorell Loretta Blessing Andy Mac Campbell Hile John Kutch Adriana Hernandez Jeffrey Lusero Alex Hitchins Joe Dunn Kennedy Joey Piemonte Robyn Tatu Beau Adams Yoga Shawn-Leigh henry Laura Williams Not Even Wrong Xela Person Mona McCune Suzanne O'Reilly Rashelle Raymond Chad Saltzman James Bown Brian Szilagyi Arielle Nicole Greg H Dave Engelman Dylan Clune Calvin Doyle Robert Doucette Jacob Ortega Jesse Witham Andrea Gagliani Scott Swain William Morris Qie Jenkins Aaron Jones Jon Ross Kevin Best Haley Brown Ned Arick J Garcia Lauren Cribb Ty Oliver Tom in Rural NC Christian from Bakersfield Matthew Holland Charley Dunham Casey RobertsSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Time	Text
	Ah, let's kick it off.
	Let's go.
	Let's go.
	That's it.
	That's it.
	That's that hitter.
	You know who that is, baby.
	That's that Stevie Starlight.
	There you go.
	There you go, girl.
	There you go, big dog.
	Chrona, extra scarf.
	I'll make a beat Higher than a mountain Put on an extra scarf.
	We getting naughty.
	We are getting naughty.
	Thank you guys for being here this past Thursday.
	This is an episode that is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza.
	Gray Block at 1811 Pico Boulevard in Los Angeles on the way to the beach.
	You know, get that hitter.
	I also want to let you know that, hey, did you know this past weekend is now available on Spotify?
	Spotify is making it easy for you to stream this podcast and many others like it on your mobile device, desktop app, and smart speaker.
	Open the app on mobile or desktop.
	Click on the browse channel and then click on the podcast section.
	Take me with you wherever you go thanks to Spotify.
	Play me for the children.
	Leave me in a room on speaker and put your grandmother in there or your senior citizen grandfather in there in a wheelchair and put me on the speaker next to him and let them get that vibe.
	Because we're out here slanging this vibe.
	Real, real quick, we're about to get into the episode and I want to thank you guys for being here with me.
	We have Nick Davis in studio today.
	Nick?
	What's up, Theo?
	How are you?
	I'm really well.
	Man, I want to thank you so much in addition to Chris Perez, who isn't here today, but who's helping produce.
	You're here today, and we got our first guest in.
	Hell yeah, Jay Moore.
	I know.
	And you've worked with Jay before.
	You've been in studio with him before.
	Yeah, yeah, over at the Adam Carolla show.
	He was a fan favorite there.
	Brings characters and great pod.
	Yeah, he's a wild animal, man.
	And I'm so excited.
	We're going to get to him in just a second.
	And thank you for being here with us, Nick.
	I want to let you guys notice a couple of upcoming dates.
	April 6th and 7th, I'll be in Tampa, Florida at the Attic at Rock Brothers Brewing, and that's almost sold out.
	April 20th and 21st, I'll be in Hasbrook Heights, New Jersey at Bananas, or Bananas, as they say in Spanish.
	June 15th and 16th at Yuck Yucks up there in Calgary, Canada.
	So if you Canadian, get out there, boy.
	And July 6th through the 8th at Levity Live in Oxnard.
	And I'm so grateful that you guys will be here.
	All tickets are available at theovon.com slash tour, T-O-U-R.
	And we'll be launching that dark arts tour very soon here, as soon as we get this dang website put together.
	But we have Jay Moore in today.
	I'm excited.
	And I'm so grateful for you guys for being here with me.
	And have I not been talking into this the whole time, Nick?
	I feel bad.
	I think they know you're talking to them.
	They're all right.
	Okay.
	All right, guys.
	I just want to thank you so much.
	We're going to go now.
	We just recorded the episode with Jay, and then I did this part after, to be honest with you.
	And we had Jay Moore in, and this is our first guest.
	We had Uneven Steven a while back, that gentleman I met at the DMV, and he came in here with some issues.
	Boy, he had that, you know, I mean, his eyeballs was just in the Dead Sea.
	He was out there on that fire water.
	And then we had another gentleman, you know, Mr. Roger Rodd.
	But this is our first real guest in the studio here.
	And welcome.
	And we are happy to have Mr. Jay Moore.
	Look at these pipes, kiddo.
	Let's go in.
	And you're Irish, huh?
	Irish, German, Scottish.
	So you might not make it.
	Might not make it.
	Let me tell you something, man.
	There's a plane crash.
	I'm walking out.
	And I'm not going to be like that asshole Leonard Skinner that got shot at somebody's front door.
	Yeah.
	That's one of the best stories that nobody tells.
	What happened?
	So we're here with Jay Moore.
	Hi, we're live.
	Thank you guys for joining us.
	So Leonard Skinner died?
	He did not die, but the band, a bunch of members died.
	There was a plane crash.
	Leonard Skinner.
	And a couple dudes died.
	One guy survived.
	He had like a broken pelvis, broken back, broken legs, and he walked to like a farmhouse.
	Like there's like clockwork orange.
	There's been a horrible accident.
	And the guy opened the door and shot him.
	Wow.
	And he died that way.
	So he survived all the way to the door.
	Yeah.
	I'd show up at the gate swinging.
	I'd be like, you mother.
	Hey, I just fucking survived the plane.
	Are you fucking kidding me?
	Little buckshot all through my body.
	Like, you get shot in the chest with buckshot.
	It's in your legs.
	It's everywhere.
	From the inside.
	Yeah, I think that's the kind of thing.
	I bet right when you get shot by it, I bet you start to itch because it's.
	Yeah, that hot burnt.
	We're talking specifically gunshot, right?
	Yeah.
	22, a guy like you would blink off.
	22, yeah, you could shake off.
	22, you could still drive to the CVS and get what your wife needs.
	Unless it was the Mossad, then they'd put it up your butt.
	What is that?
	The Israeli Secret Service.
	Uh-uh.
	They get into bed, like they dress up.
	Oh, you don't know about Operation Wrath of God?
	Uh-uh.
	After the 72 Olympic massacre, Golden Meir, after they told her what happened, the Prime Minister said, send the boys.
	And then the Mossad, the last guy they killed, I think, was 1996.
	72. He answered his cell phone.
	Hello, is this Balachat?
	You know, whatever.
	And he goes, yes.
	Boom.
	Took his head off with a cell phone.
	And so the Mossad is like a dark art.
	They're like a dark arts army kind of for Israel?
	It's their secret service.
	They're like Marines?
	Yeah, but like Netanyahu was one.
	And they would literally dress up in burqas, walk around like women for a day, and then crawl into bed.
	And then the husband would come home.
	They put a 22 in his asshole, pull the trigger, six, empty it, and they get back on the boat.
	They'd be back in Israel in like six hours.
	Dude, that almost makes me, some part of that made me like a mildly sexually turned.
	You're holding it.
	Yeah, you are adjusting.
	I don't know what that was.
	This is Theo Vaughan here.
	And we just listen to his podcast.
	Yeah.
	Thank you for joining us.
	Thank you.
	John Ferguson Moore.
	You said that like, no, John Ferguson Moore, you know?
	You're the first guest that we've ever had.
	Why is that?
	Well, we had one gang.
	We had one man who had some issues who I met at the DMV one time, but he hasn't.
	I don't know.
	I can't believe he was available.
	Oh, yeah.
	The dude at the DMV.
	Oh, he came in.
	He was shining, man.
	He came, I mean, it seemed like somebody just, you know, just hidden just electricity in his eyes.
	Boy, when he showed up, he was pretty bent out.
	This man, Steven, and I haven't been able to get a hold of him.
	I've called him a couple times.
	And then we had another dude.
	This guy is kind of an older Wigga kind of guy.
	And that was this guy named Roger Rodd.
	I don't know if you know him.
	He's a comedian.
	That's my rap name.
	Is it Wiggly?
	Oh, yeah.
	I'm debating.
	I go back and forth between Parallel.
	Oh, that's good.
	Parallel Ogram.
	Yeah.
	Because you got to get with the program.
	What?
	I don't want you guys to think my fake rap names.
	Was Parallel Ogram?
	Or it was that bad.
	I was just, you know, off the top of my dome, kid.
	Mine, honestly, dude, and this is like, I wanted to be white nigga back in the day.
	And I know that that's kind of a, you know, I mean, now it's like, you know.
	I would hope that you're all out of fucks at this point.
	Yeah.
	Are you like me, Theo Vaughan?
	Like when a celebrity apologizes, you lost me, man.
	Like Bill Maher's apology enraged me.
	Really?
	The joke was perfect.
	Yeah.
	The joke was perfect structurally, contextually, and it was in counter to a creepy fucking white guy saying, come on down, we'll put you to work in the fields.
	And he goes, what?
	What did you say?
	We'll put you to work in the fields.
	Yeah.
	And he goes, I'm a house nigger.
	Yeah.
	Perfect.
	Yeah.
	And then Twitter gets going.
	Twitter's the death.
	Bottom line is HBO goes, if you don't apologize, you can say goodbye to whatever million dollars.
	So he does the apology.
	But the thing is fucking racist.
	Who's that apology?
	He's not a racist.
	Yeah.
	It's for HBO.
	Oh, I think that he's probably just as racist as some people are.
	Look, I don't think a comedian can really even be racist.
	This is our tribe.
	Gays and blacks and like women.
	Like, you're a homophobe.
	Like, homo.
	I'm in show business.
	Like, what are you talking about?
	I can't be.
	Right.
	I don't think, like, it's just absurd.
	But the more you defend it, the more you seem like a guy that's defending what he believes in, the opposite.
	Yeah, it's like you're up against it.
	I often feel out here like I'm up against a mountain.
	But I was talking to my friend about this yesterday.
	Like, there's also this weird vibe that like all gay people are like the friendliest people.
	A lot of gay dudes that I know, even my buddies, are assholes.
	So judgmental.
	Your outfit's a little matchy-matchy.
	You know?
	Yeah.
	Well, that's everybody.
	I mean, so we're like that in its season is you and I having a bit of a racist conversation because we're saying that like gay guys do this when it's society.
	When it's everybody.
	society are just fucking dicks.
	Okay, so then do you think that for some reason then that like...
	All right.
	Do you think that for some reason I then that I will like so think so based in that that like if everybody's just an asshole But I guess maybe it's like gay guys don't get it's like they get sometimes this pass that they're not assholes just because they're gay like they get this shield of armor.
	Maybe.
	I don't do assumptions, man.
	Maybe.
	I'm not airing you out to drive, but maybe.
	Yeah.
	But I do know, this is what I know about gay guys.
	They love the cock.
	Yeah.
	But they don't necessarily need a cock to like get what they need.
	Yeah.
	Like they have mouths and like mutual masturbation parties and stuff like that.
	Do they really?
	I hope so.
	Where at?
	I'm going to find out.
	We will be there.
	If it's just mutual masturbation.
	Dude, that'd be a great movie.
	Two dudes that go undercover into like a gay men's sex house or something.
	Health crisis.
	Yeah.
	No.
	Yeah, exactly.
	And they have to not get fucked.
	That's the rule.
	Now, this would be a good thing for fraternity.
	For rocks.
	Yes, yes.
	If you get fucked, you lose all the money.
	If you get fucked, you must have lost.
	You have to do everything but.
	Can I blow a guy?
	Why would you ever ask me that?
	No, I don't know.
	I don't know.
	Like in Stripes, when he goes, last question, it's standard.
	Are either one of you homosexuals?
	No.
	Like flaming?
	And then Harold Ramis goes, no, but we're willing to learn.
	And Bill Murray goes, would they send us someplace special for that?
	It's amazing.
	I haven't seen that movie, man.
	The stereotypes, I think, are stereotypes because they're true.
	Irish people are drunk.
	I'm an alcoholic.
	Black people don't tip.
	Right.
	Stereotypically, I was a waiter.
	A black couple came in at the end of your shift.
	You're like, I'm not.
	I'm not fucking staying.
	I'm not going to chop up pineapple slices for this guy's blended drink.
	Yeah.
	And I'm going to give me a quarter.
	I go, that's for you, my man.
	Yeah.
	Now, every friend I have goes, you've been to dinner with me.
	And they are like incredible tempers.
	So it's some shit I held on from my past.
	Yeah, that's the thing.
	Sometimes I wonder if there are just things that I hold on to from a long time ago that like, I don't know if they just don't serve me anymore.
	I don't know.
	I can't even tell.
	I would say none of it serves you or me from a long time ago.
	Like we got fucked up in our living rooms.
	How tall are you?
	I'm probably that's weird.
	They would say probably.
	Yeah, but I haven't checked myself in probably 15 years.
	So you think you maybe had a growth spurt at 32?
	I have a grandfather who grew two inches in his 50s, in his early 50s.
	What was he watching?
	I don't know what he was watching.
	I mean, he was probably, I don't know what he was doing, but he grew two inches in his 50s.
	And here's the crazy part.
	Oh, you're talking about cop.
	I thought, yeah.
	No, I mean in his height.
	And he and the.
	I know.
	I go really low, and then I go kind of come in high.
	Different frequencies, man.
	But this man, he, and he didn't like his wife anymore when he grew taller.
	How crazy is that?
	And they were in love before.
	Did she have female pattern baldness?
	Serious question.
	Because that was the first time you could see, like, oh, my God.
	I don't think so.
	Just stupid head.
	I could look at all that.
	But I think from certain angles, certain people are prettier, you know?
	So often.
	That's a great point.
	It makes you think that, like, if, yeah, the love of your life were a half inch shorter, then you guys might hate each other because you'd be catching that other optic of her.
	You know, you might be coming in at that hot 46 when you're in love at about a 48. Can I tell you something?
	Yeah.
	I'm 47 years old.
	I've never even entertained or had any notion of this particular conversation.
	Congratulations.
	I'm serious.
	Like, I've never in my life entertained this idea that at a different height, you would be in love with who you're in love with.
	It's really fascinating.
	Yeah, man.
	Different angles, different optics.
	Well, they fell out of love.
	I mean, it cost him love of his life.
	Because it cost, I mean, he got a new pussy.
	How old is he?
	52, I believe.
	Hey, I'm 47. Yeah.
	I hope, you know, I'll have Cialis.
	Remember the good humor man had that thing with change on his hip?
	Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
	I don't like Cialis like that.
	Dude, I took five milligrams when I hit the comedy store last night.
	The shit I got makes my legs sweat.
	I got some stuff from India right now.
	And my pants will be wet, dude, by about an hour and a half into that pill.
	Why just your legs?
	I don't know.
	It's flushing.
	That's the side effect.
	People don't understand what flushing means.
	It's all the liquid leaves your body except semen and blood.
	Oh, really?
	Yeah, that's why your cheeks get red.
	Yeah.
	My lips get hard and I can't talk that good.
	Because all the moisture leaves.
	And you get a cotton mouth and you just keep pissing and shitting and pissing and shitting.
	You're like, what's going on?
	You're sitting in a toilet taking a runny dump with a boner.
	You're like, I got to get in there.
	You're like, I'm trying to fuck.
	That's why in Viagra, I prefer Cialis because Viagra is just like.
	It's too strong.
	It's too strong.
	I can't get a shirt on and off if I have Viagra on it.
	I like that.
	It's too intense.
	So I had Cialis last night.
	I was on the phone with you.
	I'm away to the pharmacy to pick it up.
	And they go, that'll be $600.
	And I go, well, I don't have $600.
	How many pills are in there?
	Yeah.
	So they go, $10.
	I go, how much for a pill?
	And the pharmacist goes, I'll give you a pill.
	Oh, really?
	So I ate it there.
	And then I went home.
	It's crazy.
	Like in front of her.
	Now, I didn't realize how stupid.
	I didn't realize how awful she hands me the bottle with one pill rattling around.
	And as any old drug addict knows, like, no bueno, man.
	I need to pack so it makes no sound as I walk through Checkpoint Charlie there.
	And I just swallowed it.
	I went home.
	My girlfriend made dinner.
	Did you guys have sex after or no?
	I didn't ejaculate, but it was the longest I've had sex in maybe three years.
	Oh, wow.
	Because I have erectile dysfunction.
	Yeah.
	Bad.
	Oh, I've been through looking.
	As opposed to good?
	As opposed to good?
	Yeah.
	Is it bad?
	As opposed to good?
	What movie?
	Oh, I know what that is.
	William Wallace.
	That's correct.
	The movie William?
	No, it's...
	Do you know it?
	William Jennings Bryant.
	Is it Unusual Suspects?
	No, Harvey Katel was not in that movie.
	It was Reservoir Dogs where Tim Roth is shot and then Steve Buscemi goes, holy shit, is it bad?
	As opposed to good?
	Oh.
	It's hilarious.
	I don't know that many movies.
	Like, I'm trying to think of some of my favorite movies, our Dream Team.
	Have you seen that?
	Maybe.
	What is it?
	It's about Alan Klein.
	No, what's that guy's name?
	Michael Keaton gets in a mental health facility and then they get out one day.
	They get like a leave of absence.
	I remember that movie.
	They steal a van.
	Christopher Lloyd's in it.
	Yeah, I was going to say Christopher Lloyd.
	I do remember that.
	That movie was good, man.
	Michael Keaton.
	He did a movie called, I think it was called Life or My Life.
	And when the script came out, I was like 24. I obviously wasn't going to read for his part.
	But they're like, this is Michael Keaton's Oscar.
	And the script, it was, it's when he finds out he's dying and he keeps making videos for his own, his wife, Nicole Keaton, who's pregnant.
	And he keeps making videos for the kid.
	And it was, and the movie's great.
	And they just were like, we don't give a fuck.
	Was it heartbreaking?
	And beautiful.
	Yeah.
	And it was great.
	But sometimes people don't get nominated.
	Like Robert Duvall, every time he opens his mouth, you're like, he didn't get nominated for Get Lowe?
	Yeah.
	Time to get low.
	Time to get low.
	Like Keitel and Bad Lieutenant, like, he calls Jesus a rat fuck and a hallucination naked.
	And then he jacks off on like some girl's car that he pulls over.
	Like, you know, you got a taillight out?
	You have a suck?
	He's like, what?
	Hey, don't talk back to me.
	I'll bring you in, okay?
	It's like, what do you got to do to get nominated around here?
	Wow.
	Guys, punching his clown in traffic.
	I don't know if it matters.
	I think it's, yeah, I think it's just, you know, they got these upper echelons out here, and you got to get in.
	You know, you got to be pulling on somebody's, you got to be pulling on the right skirt out here.
	There's some people getting nominated that we don't even know who they are.
	I don't think there's.
	First of all, you have to nominate yourself.
	Do you really?
	Because I was like, how come I've never been nominated for an Emmy?
	And I was on Ghost Whisperer.
	Did you feel like you had a role that was deserving a nomination?
	Action?
	Action, absolutely.
	I thought that was one of the best shows of all time.
	And it's not like, look at me, look at me.
	What I got to say was so astounding.
	And now, like, prescient, it was all like Weinstein stuff.
	Like, Salma Hayek just slaps me in the face 40 times on an episode.
	I'm like, you don't remember when I came to town, you put your penis in a box and wanted to play puppet show?
	I'm like, no, that's a medical condition.
	Bang, bang.
	And like, that show was great.
	But you have to nominate yourself.
	You have to send money with your packet.
	And then they tell you if you get nominated or not.
	And it's like, so that means Kelsey Grammer has been nominated like 12 times.
	And he did it every time.
	You just keep fucking pickets in.
	Bro, relax.
	Like, we see you.
	You're Kelsey Grammar.
	Relax.
	Yeah, back off.
	Julia Louis Dreyfus.
	Okay.
	Yeah.
	I mean, I guess, but I guess at a certain point, if you're in that Hollywood.
	I'm glad you're on the show today so we can air this out finally.
	That's part of it.
	That's part of it.
	I got a Grammy nomination, but I had to put it in myself for comedy album.
	Like, you have to get a publicist team and you got to go, fuck it.
	They only make like, what, 200 albums a year?
	Or they make 200 albums a year.
	There's no way.
	I'm an optimist.
	And I'm like, well, there's only 200 and I got to think 100 of those are just bullshit.
	So how many people are actually cobbling together the resources to go, check this out?
	And they only pick five.
	And it was the year I got nominated was Louis C.K., George Lopez, Lisa Lampinelli, Craig Ferguson.
	It was like, if I lose, great, because they're all great.
	Lisa Lampinelli was on my podcast, more stories, and she was nominated before, and she lost a flight of the Concords.
	And she goes, those motherfuckers, she goes, that album's 16 minutes long.
	Those crispy kiwi fucks, they're so stupid and dry.
	I go, if I lost a flight of the Concords, I'd be tipping tables over.
	Yeah.
	Motherfucking mother.
	Like, what?
	You spent three years making a good album.
	And they got a song parody, like, that's why we don't bathe.
	You're like, yeah.
	Great.
	I just made.
	That's not their song, by the way.
	And if it is, they can have it.
	Do you, I'm going to get back to this erectile dysfunction thing, man, because I've struggled in some of that dick work sometimes for me.
	There's two ways I think you get it, and that's, well, three ways.
	Mental self-sabotage, like getting up in your own head, drugs, or being abused.
	So which one was it for you?
	I realized I just turned the tables on you.
	Oh, it's okay.
	You know, I like thinking about this stuff because...
	Breaks up lovely, I heard.
	Did you use it?
	Wait, you took a CALS at the comedy store.
	Oh, I just took it to feel good, man.
	Your legs get sweaty.
	That's not feel good.
	But my penis also gets kind of like And then you go home and you like jerk off the porn hub.
	No, sometimes I just lay there on my hard dick, man, and just feel like a chick.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	It's like Princess in the Pea, kind of.
	I like that reference.
	You know, it's weird when I watch Pornhub or whatever, not sponsored.
	I didn't watch any last night.
	I'm like eight days ago.
	What's that like?
	They don't yell fuck me stepdaddy.
	They leave the step out.
	Thankfully.
	Well, it's almost, I think Father's Day should become Stepfather's Day.
	It's almost at that point, I feel like, where stepfathers don't get any credit.
	And I've always thought that.
	Have you ever been a stepfather?
	No, but my oldest boy, he's 15, he's got a stepdad who's tremendous.
	Really?
	Absolutely fucking tremendous.
	But now, at first, were you nervous about when that stepdad kind of shows up?
	Did you feel like, like the first time you were going to go meet the guy, did you put on like a special shirt or anything like that?
	I put on, yeah, my comedy shirt.
	I got Gabriel Iglesias' Hawaiian shirt.
	And I just laughed at all my, at a, no.
	What's up, Gabe?
	You know what, honestly, his mom, being a single mom, I knew, I didn't know him, but there's just the signal and the noise, and I just sort of knew it was a steadying thing.
	And I have a book called No Wonder My Parents Drank, and there's a whole chapter about the step parents, like the number one whammy you can throw at a kid.
	And it's either the band-aid, the panacea, the bridge, or it's the reason you fucking strip.
	Like, man, like, that's it.
	There's only a couple options.
	Like, clean your fucking room, get your shit together, asshole.
	You're like, I'm 16. Who the fuck is this guy that I hear having sex with my mom?
	Like, I'm going to kill him.
	And then there's guys that are just steady and great.
	And that's what this guy was.
	And he is.
	And he's beautiful.
	Like, my sons, a lot of my son's great qualities are because of this guy.
	And that's, you got to, you got to swallow a lot of fucking pride and self to go, this guy did some hardwiring inside this laptop, and he did a good job.
	Does it make you feel like that that was something you should have done?
	Like, is there moments where you're like, man, this, or you're just grateful, you just find just gratitude?
	Like, I'm glad.
	It's a good question specific to the situation because I retreat well.
	I get under the porch real quick, man.
	And I had split custody with his mom.
	It was, and every time he was with me, it's just like, when do I go back to my mom's?
	When do I go back to my mom's?
	And I saw a therapist about it.
	She goes, you're battling an umbilical cord.
	You got to give this up.
	Like, you're battling.
	And he was a parasite.
	She was a host.
	Yeah.
	This goes back.
	This is intergalactic.
	You're fighting the universe.
	That's Pearl Oyster.
	You can't battle that.
	Correct.
	And one day he got off the bus and it was like the second day I had him.
	And he goes, when do I go to my mom's?
	I said, I can take you right now.
	And he goes, okay, like real excited.
	And then he like reeled it in and goes, I mean, but he already let it out.
	And I drove into his mom's and I said, if you miss me, call me.
	Okay.
	But it wasn't that kind, as I'm saying now.
	Yeah.
	And I let a year go by.
	Damn.
	Because I was like, and that's, you know, I'm an alcoholic.
	I'm in a lot of A's.
	A-A-N-A, A-hole.
	Yeah, I'm in there.
	And it's like my alcoholic brain was, let's see how they do without me.
	And they did just fine without me, which is crippling if you let it cave in on you.
	So after about a year, I saw them, and it was entirely too long.
	And that's, you know, essentially like I lost a kid because I lost a kid.
	When you saw him that first time after that year, like, what was that moment?
	Like, that had to be really heavy.
	Well, I was in an abusive marriage.
	I'm picking up your accent.
	Right.
	I was in an abusive marriage, just a little bit that I did, man.
	I'm Brian Snipes from Nacional.
	I'm the greatest fucking corner in the league, man.
	You know why?
	I went to Alabama.
	I thought I was going to go to LSU, but they sent special teams coaching my house.
	Man, I look like fucking Gunner to you, man.
	I'm Brian Snipes, 18. That's what's up, nigga.
	I went to Alabama.
	You know why?
	Nick Saban came up that dirt driveway.
	Hell, 104 degrees.
	You don't like it.
	It's getting hot as a motherfucker, man.
	And we watching Tate.
	My grandmama go, would you like some sweet tea, coach?
	And he said, no, thank you.
	I said, oh, shit, man.
	I strike two, man.
	You don't turn out no sweet tea, man, man.
	You know what I'm saying?
	You from there.
	And then check it out, dude.
	We watching Tate with me, and I fucked this dude up, man.
	He catched the ball, separate this nigga from his shoes, take the ball to the house.
	He start fanning himself.
	He go, I think I will have some of that sweet tea.
	I said, shit, give this dude to Oscar, man.
	So I had to go to Alabama just out of respect for that game, man.
	Out of respect.
	Shit.
	But I don't play special teams.
	Look at that bitch.
	I don't kick.
	I ain't no kicker, man.
	I got no special shoes.
	S-H-E-A-U-X.
	Dude, not a lot of letters in some of the neighborhoods down there.
	You don't need them, man.
	That boy right there?
	Quincidence was his name.
	Right?
	And it was spelled, though, like the word C-O-I-N-C-I-N-D-N-C-E, I think.
	I'll take your word for it.
	Yeah.
	And I was like, oh, and he's like, no, no, Quincidence.
	And I was like, well, everybody, we all lose here.
	We all win.
	I mean, we all win, but it was wild, man.
	I don't think it was.
	We had a girl named Kizzy Laurent at my school used to beat the fuck out of every dude, right?
	And she was this tough girl.
	And you know, she'd had a white girl?
	Uh-uh.
	Nuh-uh.
	Real?
	No, straight up.
	I think 100% black.
	And she used to, I mean, she would beat any dude up.
	And then now, though, years later, she has like her son is like, he's like one of the top running backs in the whole country.
	He's a tough kid.
	And he seemed like a sweet school too.
	Covington High School down there in Covington, Louisiana.
	Why do you think you got...
	I don't want to flip it on you again.
	So I was in a...
	Like, I'm imagining like.
	You keep rubbing your penis.
	That's because, A, these pants are tight in.
	I'm probably nervous, dude.
	Why are you nervous?
	Two friends hanging out talking.
	You know, I'm not nervous like that.
	I'm nervous like.
	Staring at your dick.
	I think just being in a room with two men of this size of.
	Fit it out.
	That's the size of a room and being in a room with two men.
	You must be great on auditions.
	You know, I'm not good at all.
	Oh, yeah.
	Dude, I get so fucking nervous, man.
	I can't even.
	You ever read David Mammet, True and False?
	Uh-uh.
	You need to.
	And I would never say that unless you needed to.
	He wrote Glenn Garrett, Glenn Ross, Speed the Plow, and Spanish Prisoner.
	But he goes, he writes, when you walk into an audition, you must know everyone in the room is your moral and intellectual inferior because at some time they had the bravery to do what you're doing and they took the desk.
	Say the lines as best you can and next time say them better.
	Wow.
	I was like, damn.
	Where were you the first 500 auditions, David Mahmoud?
	That's Robert E. Lee's stuff right there.
	Well, I like to keep it north of the Mason-Dixon line.
	I just go with the winner.
	Yeah.
	I'm all about the Eggles right now.
	Yeah.
	Are you really?
	Well, I'm not going to back a loser like Patriot Bill Belichick, Sourpus, man.
	Yeah.
	I have to stop doing a stupid accident.
	It's insulting to you and your brood.
	Oh, I don't think it's bad, man.
	I mean, I had a dude in my neighborhood.
	I just feel like the listeners are like, how do you have erectile dysfunction?
	Go back, go back, go back, go back.
	Abusive marriage.
	Well, look, man, I mean, well, then get back to that question then.
	Here's the thing.
	The person that I was in the marriage with would never, I mean, under penalty of perjury and truth serum in their veins, would never think that they were abusive.
	Right.
	It's like a passive narcissism where it's...
	I'm sure you tried.
	Yeah, well, I realized it early that I couldn't do anything about it.
	And accountability, that's what really makes me crazy.
	That's a big trigger for me, like in recovery.
	Like people aren't accountable because my program is all about accountability.
	And what I did, even, you know, when I was going through my resentments, my sponsor said, like, well, how are you self-seeking?
	How were you selfish while you held this resentment for somebody that didn't show up to marriage?
	I was like, I wasn't.
	He goes, that's impossible.
	I'm like, no, you weren't there.
	And I'm telling you now to your face, I wasn't.
	Like, I ran myself inside out.
	But if you knew, if you knew that she wasn't going to be able to meet you at this place you wanted her to meet you at and you kept trying, then what, you know, not to like, because I could see myself doing that.
	I had a girlfriend like that.
	What's the question, though?
	I like this question.
	Don't be afraid.
	Okay.
	Then if you knew that she couldn't meet you there and you kept trying, but you knew, you knew in that place in your brain that knows it all and is probably right that you knew she couldn't meet you there, then at that point, isn't it there's something just kind of ill or sick about continuing to hope that she can?
	Yeah, there is.
	But I think overriding that is I took vows, man.
	I take those vows seriously.
	Right.
	Until death do us part.
	And I waited for me to be able to identify if there has been a death here.
	Death do us part.
	Right.
	What we knew died.
	And I discovered the well beneath the well inside of me.
	Because people go like, hey, you leave no stone unturned.
	I'm like, there's no more stones, man.
	I ground them to dust.
	They're gone.
	There's no stones.
	You got to try everything.
	Like, I know there's three years where every time you go to the bathroom, you're like, this is impossible.
	Yeah.
	But it ain't because you're living it.
	And physically, you get sick, like mentally.
	And then you file for divorce.
	I file for divorce and I don't want to get too into it at a privacy for her.
	Yeah.
	Because I love her.
	I do love her.
	The opposite of love isn't hate.
	It's indifference.
	I'm nowhere near indifferent to like any ex I've ever had because I go all in.
	I think we're all out alike.
	Like you love all the way, but then you hurt all the way.
	And people in this world are very afraid.
	They like to swim with their hand on the side of the pool.
	And then when shit doesn't work out, they're like, see, that deep.
	Told you it's too deep out there.
	But they don't ever love like you love.
	I don't know.
	I think I'm in between because you say that hand on the side of the pool thing.
	You wouldn't be an addict if you knew the side of the pool.
	You only live in liminal space and deep water.
	You're a great white shark, man.
	You couldn't be an addict if you got your hand on the side of the pool.
	Yeah.
	You're fucking Daryl's strawberry story.
	Yeah.
	Doing blowing.
	You know how fucking brave you got to be to just have that night and just go fuck it, fuck it.
	There's like 18 fuckets that put you further into the dragon's lair.
	And I was fucking loving it, man.
	That's what I miss.
	And that's where you get that love is in the deep water, healthy or unhealthy, when you're having sex and you make that connection that's so goddamn deep.
	Yeah.
	That's the connection.
	That ain't, that's not the greatest pussy you ever had.
	That's the greatest pussy combined with somebody looking you in your eye and saying like, fuck me, daddy.
	And they're like, not incestuous.
	Yeah.
	Like, you will protect me.
	You have the answers.
	I won't eat till you fucking get home.
	Wow.
	Like, that's deep shit.
	Like, that's deep water.
	That's a brave woman.
	Or like when you hurt, you hurt all the way.
	Like, I've had depression where I didn't get out of bed.
	I pissed my own bed.
	My dog shit in my bed.
	I didn't give a fuck.
	That's great.
	But then my phone vibrated.
	It was one of the coaches, you know, my assistant coach wrestling.
	And the coach at a previous school goes, I need you to start practice today.
	And I'm like, all right, bang, out of bed.
	It saved me.
	So the erectile dysfunction was for me when you're married to somebody that's uber sexual and a fucking bardo knockout.
	No one's hotter on earth, period.
	To this day, like, that lady had it all for you.
	If I'm watching porn, I jack off.
	If my mind wanders and I think about her, I'm like, oh, God.
	My buddy used to jerk off and then mail it to his ex-wife for like a year and a half.
	I respect that.
	What would he put it on?
	Like a slide so she could look at it under a microscope?
	No, he just put it on some paper.
	But then she just gets paper.
	But she knows, though.
	That's one of my favorite, but she knows.
	Well, you start to know at a certain point.
	The first time you get it, I think you could think it's snot or something where somebody, you know, had a snail in there and then they took it out.
	But then that second or third time, you're like, this is what it is.
	Is he down in like Louisiana?
	In that heat, like in that mailbox in the heat.
	Oh, I can't imagine.
	Shows it up, like the ad for the sea monkeys come out, the kids on a bike, there's like a guy wearing a crown.
	But you said, like, she knows, you said it like Louisiana style, like the same sentence in Jersey.
	She knows.
	She knows.
	So, you know, they're very similar.
	A lot of times people will say a Louisiana accent if you have like a real strong, you know, like, where you at?
	You know, that stuff.
	That sounds like New Jersey a lot of times.
	I don't believe you've ever heard that in your life.
	Yeah.
	A bunch of times people will be like, are you from New Jersey?
	I think maybe those people stand too close to the oven.
	Yeah, those people might be bad off.
	Look, I may not be the tallest hyena at the World Atlas.
	I got obsessed last night because I'm one of your stand-up things I was watching.
	You said, I'm not the brightest bull in the bowl drawer.
	Oh, yeah.
	And I realized that I looked at my girlfriend.
	I go, that's what I want to do with Theo because you can literally do anything, make no sense, but no matter what it is, the person knows exactly what you're saying.
	Yeah.
	I'm not the softest couch on the fishing rod, but literally anything works.
	Yeah.
	Dude, I'm not the most crippled guy at the fucking, at the carnival.
	It's hard to actually come up with nonsense.
	It is, is it?
	Like Reggie Watts, you watch and you're like, oh, wow, that's all he does is talk nonsense.
	Like, try to talk nonsense.
	You get the sentence a million dollars.
	He runs short.
	Harlan Williams does it extremely well, man.
	Yes, but he has the luxury of doing it again.
	Yeah.
	And again, like, let's go watch Peggy Surf put a kayak in the toilet upside down and go for a ride.
	I got a pet squirrel on my head with shampoo bottles.
	You know, it's his bag.
	Anytime he texts me, okay, Benedict Arnold.
	You know, how you been, buddy?
	I'm okay.
	I had a paper bag on my head at the gas station, but it turns out it was gout.
	I fucking love you, Harlan.
	He is a joyous guy.
	Yeah.
	So you had the marriage.
	So you got the marriage, man.
	And I love this kind of stuff because I'm afraid to get into.
	Afraid, period, is no, that doesn't serve you at all.
	Yeah.
	Afraid.
	Like, you're a comic.
	You're one of the best comics I've seen in my life.
	Yeah.
	Thanks, man.
	Ever.
	I've been doing it 30 years.
	For 100 years.
	No, you are good.
	And you got to let the good and you got to realize that you're upper 1%, period.
	That's not subjective.
	Yeah.
	Nick will tell you that.
	He probably doesn't even like you.
	And Nick's our producer here today.
	Nick?
	They don't know who Nick is, your audience?
	You don't have the transparency?
	First time we've ever had Nick.
	Oh, that explains a lot.
	This is a big first, Jay.
	A lot of kids in all.
	This is a big first, man.
	How many kids do you have out there, Nick?
	It's a strong bullet.
	It's like 14 little kids out there.
	They're all yours.
	I don't know who those little children are, but I think about adopting them.
	Thanks for playing along.
	Have you ever ejaculated inside of a woman in hopes to get her pregnant just out of spite?
	No.
	Hold on.
	Don't answer that.
	Objection.
	You added out of spite as he started going with his answer.
	So if he wanted to make a baby, I know what you're doing, and I want that withdrawn.
	To be a lawyer is great.
	You'd be like, and that's why you gave her AIDS.
	Object.
	Withdrawn.
	Like then withdrawn.
	Don't worry about it.
	Have you ever ejaculated inside of a woman in the hopes of getting two questions?
	Okay.
	In the hopes of getting her pregnant.
	I have not.
	How old are you?
	I'm 30. You still can.
	Have you ever ejaculated into a man's butt?
	I have to get him pregnant.
	I have not.
	Out of spite.
	Yeah.
	That's taking a long way home, too, if you're trying to do that, man.
	Great tune.
	I'm not coming in some guy's butt.
	I'm not coming in some guy's butt ever, I don't think, you know?
	You're not.
	Why have the evidence?
	That's a good point.
	Why?
	Instead of you.
	I want to have something to mail home to my wife.
	I was going to say, instead of getting paper towels and wipe it off his stomach.
	That's true, man.
	That's crazy.
	You put the mail in the mailbox, don't you?
	Yeah.
	We are sick bastards.
	So take me back there.
	Take me back there.
	When somebody maybe doesn't feel well, you don't come home and go, I'm going to fuck this sad out of her.
	Like, it's just not a sexy situation.
	No, no, no, no.
	And then when somebody was sexually active and you met this person and then you sort of see them fade from the photograph, it's heartbreaking and it's weird.
	And then you just don't feel...
	Like, there's no such fucking thing.
	No, you cruise.
	If you're a comic, your job is to say things that can't possibly have been said ever before.
	Yeah.
	You're like a car that has as much gas as it wants and doesn't know any of the rules of the road, I feel like.
	Like you cruise, yeah.
	But you got to know the rules before you break them.
	But yeah, I mean, you know that.
	You know all the rules.
	I mean, you know the book.
	You know the rule book.
	Every day I write the book.
	Yeah.
	But when you're out there, you're doing your thing.
	But so tell me this.
	I keep trying to.
	When you get there, so you have a year where you don't see your son.
	When you get there.
	We were just talking about boners.
	Well, he's.
	I can wrap this up for you real quick.
	Yeah.
	So when somebody maybe is depressed, you think to yourself, the only thing that would make this situation worse is if I lost my air ghost.
	Oh, yeah.
	And then what's the point of doing it if that's going to happen, if it could happen?
	And then you just get all up in your head.
	Well, what excuse do you go with?
	Because I've been there, man.
	I didn't have sex.
	You got that beautiful lady there.
	She's like, we've had sex for like two years.
	Yeah.
	And my excuse about girls that like maybe that I would date was I was in a, I was in a really messed up situation.
	This doesn't really work.
	If it works, good on you.
	Yeah.
	And they all say the same thing.
	Well, you never met with me.
	I'm like, okay, sure.
	Yeah.
	And I'm already up in my head because I led with it.
	But last night, the Cialis.
	Helped you out.
	Gave you that hitter, boy.
	I haven't had sex that long since I was.
	Fucking Tony Gwynn, boy.
	Yeah, same gut.
	Yeah.
	No, yeah, it was a line drive.
	That was all a line drive the whole way.
	Yeah, he's a hitter, man.
	Yeah.
	I'm trying to think, like, if I could get a base.
	It was a Ricky Henderson's wall and a fly.
	Like, that's that, like, fuck, that frozen rope, thick-ass thighs, and that Gator dive in a second.
	Dude, he would die.
	I remember him, he hit a home run one time and he dove in a second.
	He's my favorite player of all time.
	Really?
	Ever.
	I saw him one time, I think, in the airport.
	It was him or Barry Sanders.
	Oh my.
	It was Barry Katz.
	You think I'm Ricky Henderson, man?
	Ricky Henderson's name all the time, Stolen Face.
	I'm a blonde Jew that looks like Dirt Nabitsky.
	Good God, man.
	Ricky Henderson always speaks in the first person, you know?
	Oh, he really?
	His name is Ricky Nelson, Henny Henderson.
	And he's born in the back of a Cadillac.
	Yeah.
	And his mom loved Ricky Nelson.
	I got to interview him once, and I just got like the weirdest shit about him I could gather because I'm like, everybody just threw all like baseball shit at him, right?
	Yeah.
	I'm like, so I'm like, your mom must have loved Ricky Nelson.
	He goes, my mama loved Ricky Nelson.
	You know, that's why my name is Ricky.
	I'm like, no, I know.
	I didn't say that.
	I'm like, really?
	I go, you're so fast.
	Like, you must have been born in the back of a car.
	He goes, I was born in the back of a Cadillac.
	No.
	Yeah.
	No more Garcia O'Para told me when he was on the Red Sox, Ricky leads off the game with a double and he's standing on second base, shaking the dirt out of his belt.
	And the back says, you know, Garcia Para with two R's, two P's, two R's.
	And he goes, yeah.
	Number five.
	Number five.
	And he turns around, he's shaking the dirt out of his belt and he does eyebrows like it's sexy.
	He goes, Ricky hit a double.
	And when he got on the bus once, it was full.
	And Mike Stanley goes, make one of these young guys move.
	You got tenure.
	And he goes, Mike Stanley, I got 18 years.
	He's fucking legit.
	Like the person that was there told him to me.
	So my boners work now.
	Yeah.
	Thanks to a little orange pill called Tic.
	I actually just take Tic Tacs.
	Do you?
	Yeah.
	I like to show myself placebos.
	That treat.
	I go, you know what?
	I'm going to take a Viagra and then I just take a blueberry out of my refrigerator.
	I go, like, Popeye.
	Mind fuck myself.
	Why do you have erectile dysfunction?
	For me, it's some of the pornography.
	You know, I used to do steroids when I was younger, and sometimes I think it could be some backlash from that.
	No.
	I mean, it could be, but no, no way.
	But then I go into the fact that I think that pornography.
	There's a lot of guys in steroids that are fucking right now.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, but I'm not one of those guys.
	That's a problem.
	Are you a sex and love addict?
	Because pornography is in there, right?
	That's a progressive addiction.
	That's weird.
	I think it got progressive to the point where, like, I need to really take some time.
	I have an extended period of time away from it so I can let my imagination work again in a comfortable way.
	Interesting.
	Because I have similar situations.
	When I was married, I never looked at it, never cheated.
	I didn't like Jack off.
	Because what if that's the night like she shows interest in me?
	Right.
	I'm like, oh, I got diarrhea.
	I can't.
	Yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	You can't have diarrhea forever.
	I had diarrhea for forever.
	I had all kinds of stuff.
	So I don't know.
	Crazy disease.
	Nothing.
	And then when I got divorced, I'm like, oh, my cuckhold.
	What the fuck?
	This is amazing.
	Oh, it's not because she's a whore.
	It's because he idolizes her.
	Why shouldn't she have this bull?
	It's so dark, though.
	Is it?
	At a certain point, I feel like...
	Oh, no, yeah.
	Progressive addiction, like gambling is a progressive addiction.
	It's not like we're allergic to alcohol and the allergy starts before we take it.
	Right.
	Like if you're allergic to fruit, if you're allergic to like a fig, you eat a fig and your fucking throat closes, your eyes shut, you puke.
	Done with figs.
	Yeah.
	The end.
	No more figs.
	Alcoholics, we're allergic to alcoholics.
	And we're like, where the fuck?
	Who opened that?
	What is that?
	What is that?
	Where is that?
	Why?
	We don't need any glasses.
	Just give me the fucking bottle.
	Hurry up.
	Let me start puking.
	We're like, let's get more into this.
	Yeah.
	Like, we're idiots.
	Well, for me, it was always the next thing.
	It was like, well, my thing really was just I wanted to have a little bit of cocaine, you know, in my system.
	Has anybody ever had a little bit of cocaine?
	No.
	Do I sound like Norm McDonald is, am I too self-conscious?
	Like, I feel like my K. Has anybody ever really had?
	Well, I don't think these words have even, these walls haven't even had a lot of words.
	I've only been in the studio for like a month.
	A little bit of cocaine.
	Yeah, so true.
	You're not a good Norm McDonald's story sound.
	I'd like to hear it, you know.
	I was probably there.
	You know, they say, guys on steroids, the side effect is increased libido.
	But you said maybe I did steroids as a kid.
	I thought of like a five-year-old guy with a tricep bar in the front yard there doing exercises for that big black lady that beat up all the guys.
	I don't know.
	That's Kizzy Laurent.
	You can name her whatever you want, but I'm an old chunk of gold from Ontario.
	I call her trouble.
	I just call her trouble.
	Kizzy?
	That's awesome, man.
	Kizzy?
	Yeah.
	That's either so southern and black or so northeast and Jewish.
	Yeah.
	I got to grab my Kizzy.
	Hello, darling.
	It's Kizzy.
	How are you?
	So pornography became such a problem.
	You become desensitized.
	I just became desensitized, I think.
	And also your dick does because you just keep fucking rubbing it.
	Well, dude, I was looking at these magical, you know, I was looking at a lot of these magical bitches on the internet, and I was just turnt out by it, you know.
	And next thing you know, they got all these ladies.
	And I would be nervous most of the time also.
	I would masturbate and have anxiety at the same time because you see these ladies, you know, and they're, some of them are like whole, like.
	Are you talking about live ladies?
	No, no, I'm talking about on the internet.
	You had anxiety looking at a make-believe person who is out of the business a couple years.
	Yeah.
	Filming the scene, you know.
	I worry about their health a lot of times.
	You got these.
	You're fucked up.
	Like that to me is like where you're over the line, like where you're like, I hope she's okay.
	Yeah, really?
	That's like John Wayne Casey shit.
	Like I kill these kids because I love them.
	I love these.
	You check my crawl space.
	Those kids, they were inoculated.
	They all got haircuts.
	Once we hit Jude, it's just crew cuts every two weeks, man.
	I care for these kids.
	That's what they're saying to catch a predator.
	These kids are well-fed.
	That's what they sent to catch a predator.
	Like, I'm here to save his life.
	Not one guy goes, I'm here to fuck him.
	Are you his dad?
	Is this cool?
	Cameras?
	Did I hit the fetish jackpot?
	Cops?
	Oh, my.
	Oh, gosh, goose, goose, juice, jizz, jizz, jizz.
	I'm here to fuck him.
	Man, that's crazy, man.
	What kind of porn did you watch?
	Nothing real drastic, I didn't think.
	Well, no, I mean, if your dick is desensitized to the friction from your hand.
	Oh, most of the stuff I was watching was probably, you know, adult, all adult.
	And then mostly.
	Hold on.
	Let's just put a pin in this for a second.
	And maybe take that part out.
	No, I wasn't watching anything perverse, man.
	You're mostly adult.
	All adult.
	He said mostly.
	I thought I said all.
	But even still, like, the fact that you quantify that you're watching people 18 and up.
	Fuck is a little, you might want to.
	18 and up.
	I believe you.
	Every time.
	If I saw somebody that even looked a little bit young, dude, I would shut it down.
	And I would, then I would.
	What was Nick going to say just there?
	I just think Theo likes to avoid speaking absolute, so he said mostly at first, but he quickly corrected himself.
	You just told me all gay guys are assholes earlier.
	90%.
	You are what you eat.
	You know what?
	I'm better than that.
	I'm sorry.
	Yeah.
	It's all right.
	It's still good, though.
	It's just me a second.
	But so, yeah, my thing was that I would watch these women.
	Some of them are holding their butts open and stuff, and I would be worried that people were going to get sick.
	You know, people were going to catch colds.
	That was one of my biggest things I remember.
	Well, they don't want you to have a draft, you know, as a kid.
	Yeah.
	Don't sleep near that window.
	There's a breeze coming through there, you know.
	But if you hold open your asshole, oh, there's going to be quite a breeze.
	You know, that's a draft.
	You catch a cold, you may catch your death.
	I don't know.
	That's a city, man.
	Or maybe you get AIDS from all the cocks in there.
	I don't want to get AIDS again.
	And then I would start researching if people had AIDS and stuff.
	And then it would get just draft.
	I don't know.
	I just was concerned about the health of them.
	Are you single, married, girlfriend?
	I'm dating a girl, and I am not married.
	I've never been married.
	When I was married, I didn't cheat.
	Because you cheat once.
	That's it.
	It's not like you work it off your record.
	Like, now it's a misdemeanor.
	Now it's gone because I had somebody write a letter for me.
	But then once I discovered pornography when I was single, I was like, holy shit, this is a whole new world.
	And my friend, then I go out, like, I want to go on a couple dates.
	And he's like, you gotta wear condoms.
	I'm like, why?
	Were you wearing condoms back then?
	No, this is like this year.
	Okay.
	I'm like, who?
	Where do you think I'm going?
	Yeah.
	Like, condoms.
	Like, I'm not fucking in, you know, Zaida.
	I know, but you never know.
	It's like, yeah, but I'm not going to be presumptuous.
	And like, Dr. Drew would go, that's the most irresponsible take ever.
	And I love Dr. Drew.
	But it's like, I'm like, what am I going to get?
	Like, if I get like, like, somebody has syphilis, like, I'm going to sit with some.
	We're comics.
	We're pretty good.
	We can read a room for our jobs.
	So one-on-one, it's like fish in a barrel.
	Yeah.
	So if you're sitting across from some lady and she's like using the salad tongs to scratch her fucking box during dinner, you're like, hey, it's a red flag.
	Yeah, that's breadcrumbs, bro.
	But we also do like.
	That's crouton country.
	That's croutons.
	We also talk ourselves out of it.
	Like, she can't have anything.
	Her dad's a dentist.
	Yeah.
	She's from Minnesota.
	She's clean, bro.
	Yeah.
	Her dad's a doctor.
	He's a chiropractor.
	Exactly.
	Come on.
	What'd she have?
	She has a neck brace with autographs on it.
	Obviously, she follows poison around the country.
	She told me she fucked Sebastian Bach.
	Do you think Sebastian Bach has ever fucked a woman in a neck brace?
	Honestly.
	Yes.
	I don't.
	All right, ready?
	Yeah.
	Excuse me.
	I was in Saturday Night Live, and I'm at a bar downtown with a penthouse pet.
	In New York City?
	Yeah.
	You know, there's something about New York City.
	I can't quite put my finger on it, the name itself.
	Yeah.
	It's too much.
	Why is that?
	I think it just should be New York.
	But it's New York City, New York.
	Yeah, it's too much.
	I thought I was a softball hero bit.
	Really?
	That's what I was trying to do.
	What about that name?
	I just ding.
	Batting hate aluminum bat.
	New York City, New York.
	Yeah.
	It's too much.
	It's too much.
	It's a double entendre.
	Yeah, both ways.
	Yeah.
	And a bit of a palindrome.
	Yeah.
	I think it is.
	Anyway.
	No, it's not actually.
	It's onomatopoeia country, I think, all of a sudden.
	I think onomatopoeia.
	Yeah, that was Kizzy's real name.
	But it was actually spelt Anomanopoe.
	Fuck, I love callbacks.
	So I'm downtown in this bar with like this rocket ship standing next to me.
	Like just, it was nuts.
	And Sebastian Bach goes, hey, man.
	And we're both from Jersey.
	So like all Jersey guys are just like, all right.
	He's got the long hair and he's flipping the hair and he goes, your girl and my girl tonight.
	And I'm like, what?
	He's saying force them.
	He's saying.
	Yeah.
	And it's Sebastian Bach.
	I'm like, whoa.
	And he's like, your girl and my girl tonight.
	Like, he's actually doing it like that.
	And I look and at the bar is like a nine-month pregnant, attractive woman holding like a Perrier.
	And she's like, hey.
	And to this day, I don't know how I fucking turn that down.
	Oh.
	Nine months pregnant.
	I could have just induced labor.
	Oh, yeah.
	Back when everything was working.
	You're girl and my girl tonight.
	Dude, what if you had started that labor?
	You could be a midwife, man.
	I would have been.
	I would have been.
	And she breaks water all over your tank bombs.
	That's got to feel good.
	See, that kind of stuff makes me real nervous.
	Why?
	I don't know, man.
	You ever been with a lady that likes squirts?
	One lady one time.
	Did that make you nervous?
	Are you autistic?
	No, the first two times it was okay.
	And the third time, I just, I started getting nervous, man.
	She thought it was me?
	Well, it was like trying to, it was like fucking a bomb, you know?
	Exactly.
	And that's what I didn't like.
	But you like the herlocker.
	It wasn't best picture.
	You fucking love bomb movies.
	It was like Tuck Everlasting.
	It was like a couple of scenes from Tuck Everlasting.
	Wow.
	It was too much.
	You know why I like that particular act?
	Huh?
	Because you can't fake it.
	Yeah.
	If they're squirting, they've lost their fucking mind.
	Yeah.
	It's like, maybe it's fist.
	Maybe.
	Cool.
	All I know is this person has left Earth.
	And when they come back, they're going to go, oh my God, your sheets.
	And that was another thing.
	The cleanup is too much, man.
	It's too much.
	That's why I do all my sex in the back of a U-Haul, you know?
	Black and Decker table saw.
	And I do circumcisions with a planned weed eater.
	I love Norm McDonald.
	I heard him on a podcast go, I hear people imitate me, you know?
	And I'm like, I sound fucking retarded.
	I'm like, oh, no.
	I hope he never thinks I'm mocking him.
	I opened up for Norm McDonald at a casino in a Cherokee casino in Oklahoma.
	This is a while back.
	And we were playing in a celebrity poker tournament that weekend, right?
	And he and the next day we're standing around.
	There's a bunch of just not attractive women in this room.
	Oklahoma.
	Yeah.
	You said it.
	And he goes, he goes, yeah, he goes, man, there's a lot of hot chicks in here, huh?
	And I'm thinking.
	Is that John Wayne or was that Norman?
	That was Norman.
	Sounded like John Wayne.
	That was Norman McDonald.
	Hold on a second.
	Well, there's a lot of hot chicks in here, huh?
	I love it.
	And I was like, I'm thinking, well, I'll accommodate Norm McDonald.
	maybe he's getting older and he doesn't know kind of how hot chicks are or anything anymore.
	So I'll just be like, yeah, yeah, definitely are, man.
	A lot of hotties in here.
	And he goes, fuck no, there aren't.
	That's what he said.
	What?
	The age?
	Ah, there's not hot chicks.
	You're fucking walking.
	How long ago was this?
	This probably eight years ago.
	Norm McDonald is one of the most legendary secretive coxmen of all time.
	Is he really?
	El McPherson.
	Like, wow.
	Oh, yeah.
	Like, you're like, wait, what?
	But then you look at him, you go, yeah, he's like this 1950s handsome man, like a movie star.
	Yeah.
	People are like, no, I'm like, fucking shut up.
	Trust me.
	Like, you look at the guy.
	He's got the bluest eyes.
	He goes, nah, maybe I know a chunk of coal here, but I think you owe daddy an apology.
	Yeah.
	So why don't you just suck your thumb and lay on your back?
	Yeah, no, I don't want it.
	I don't know what his game was.
	It's fun.
	Do you think that, like, I only told things that actually happened.
	I hate doing impressions.
	Do you start to think about what you have to use as we get older to attract women?
	Do you start to worry about that kind of stuff?
	No.
	No, I got to trust the compass, man.
	Yeah.
	I've got there's this fighter I work with, and he's like, let me just ask you something like, black guy?
	No.
	No.
	I said I work with him.
	Well, I'm just trying to get an idea.
	I'm trying to get more racist by being completely ambiguous.
	Wow, no, I'm trying to get an idea of who it is.
	Like, you're not giving me any a guy.
	Well, the story's about something else.
	Yeah.
	What am I here?
	Like, that's what a wife does.
	So, there's a fighter I work with in Spokane.
	I was in Spokane, I was at the comedy club.
	It's called Spokane Comedy Club, and I always wondered why they didn't like name it, name it.
	It was a Thursday, but it was crowded for a Thursday because as you go across the, you're like, what's the fucking, you need an editor for your fucking face?
	Oh, yeah.
	You need an editor in the car with you going, nope, cut that part out.
	You didn't give a shit about our French bulldog.
	Nope.
	Nails, hair, got it.
	Uh-huh.
	Blow dry.
	A blow bar.
	Great.
	Wait, what?
	No, it's not.
	Keep going.
	Keep going.
	We have to be at Wendy's two o'clock on Sunday.
	Thank you.
	Writing it down.
	Just edit your face.
	A lot of word counts.
	Some people should be put on a word count.
	Me, certainly.
	Really?
	Oh, yeah.
	It's awful.
	That's my moat, man.
	Oh, on the phone, you're definitely chatting, man.
	Yesterday we talked to you on the phone and you went.
	You control it.
	Yeah.
	That's my moat.
	It's a safety mechanism.
	I like if I keep you out there, it's like a jab, a stiff arm.
	But if I like you, you're in here, and then I just want to like bathe you and everything that's ever given me pleasure like that.
	It's Johnson and Johnson country right there.
	It is.
	That's in New Jersey, too, by the way.
	Is it really?
	No more tears?
	Yeah.
	Dude, we loved it.
	We used to use it when we were kids.
	Dude, we used to put it all over each other, even when we weren't even in the tub.
	We loved Johnson and Johnson.
	I remember my sister for her birthday wanted just a gallon of Johnson Johnson.
	And we would fucking just wait till our eyes burned, and we would put it all over each other.
	We loved it.
	It was like the nicest thing we had in our house was a can of that.
	Or a jar.
	It wasn't a jar.
	It was like a plastic tall bottle.
	You need like a big can of beans?
	You need a can opener.
	And your dad's like, y'all need a can opener, man.
	Blew my keys from each other.
	I'm about to wash everybody's hair in this motherfucker.
	You're like, we loved it.
	We rubbed it all over each other.
	My sister, I'm like.
	We loved it.
	We loved Johnson and Johnson, man.
	And you rubbed it on your sister's body.
	Well, we rubbed it all over each other.
	It was just like a, it was a fucking, it was just a.
	You were in a cult.
	You know, it was, man.
	You were in a cult where kids just rub Johnson and Johnson on each other until they ejaculated.
	Dude, I remember one year, my mom, for our birthday, somebody's birthday, I guess she didn't have a bunch of money, so she got us all two-liter sodas, right?
	Everybody got their own.
	And dude, I remember we had so much fun shaking those things up and just spraying each other.
	She saves all her money.
	Oh.
	And you guys fucking sprayed her.
	But we loved it, though.
	It was a fucking $8 birthday.
	She was okay.
	She made us do it outside.
	But I mean, we fucking, my sister had cherry seven up on her for a month, man.
	And did you get it off with the lotion?
	Turpentine.
	You can't have the sweet without the stank.
	Dude, I grew up in Turpentine country.
	Do you know that?
	Well, I do now.
	Yeah, Covington, Louisiana.
	Turpentine was, and this is back when time was king, you know?
	Why was it?
	Was it invented to just get paint off of shit?
	Well, yeah, and everybody hates it, but it's like, you know.
	Who hates it?
	People look down on it.
	You've completely constructed that in your own brain.
	I don't think so.
	If you have paint on your hands, where's the turpentine?
	Period.
	That's the thing.
	Everybody's like, oh, fuck Turpentine until you need it.
	Nobody thinks about Turpentine at all.
	It's a trigger hippie song, I know.
	Okay.
	Well, that's the problem, is that nobody's thinking about it.
	Well, yeah.
	Nobody's thinking about baby aspirin until you have a baby and you get a favor.
	I think it mills around in the back of your head.
	It does.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Like other liquids mill around back there.
	Gasoline, you need it.
	Milk, it'll be, you know, in two days I'll need it.
	You know, what liquids are milling around in the back of our heads?
	Think about it.
	Water, always.
	And that's a necessity because water's right there inside of us telling us we need to.
	Eggnog just up on a shelf looking down like, you know when I'm coming in.
	Yeah.
	Eggnog's coming around.
	You know.
	Yeah.
	Grape juice, not really as much.
	Maybe when you were a child.
	Yeah, you know what's amazing as you get older, you're like, this is fucking horrid.
	Yeah.
	But when we were a kid, grape juice was king, man.
	It was cotton when we were a kid.
	I just remembered a bit that I just have to write down because I was like, I gave my son like grape medicine for his cough.
	And I'm like, well, this might have codeine in it.
	So I should probably drink the whole bottle first just to check it out.
	And then I went back in.
	I'm like, I spilt it all over.
	And they give me another one.
	And then I realized grape for kids and medicine doesn't take like grape.
	It tastes like purple.
	They've mastered what purple tastes like.
	If you eat a grape and have like grape cough medicine, like, no.
	But like, I got an owl and later, a banana, an owl and later, and that wafts a fucking banana.
	There's a banana taste in there.
	Yeah.
	But grape, they just, that's what purple tastes like.
	Yeah.
	They want that purple.
	Yeah.
	They want that drink.
	They want that drink, man.
	I want myself.
	Do you think that some, you think getting high is better if you're African-American or black?
	Is your high better?
	Yeah.
	I think it's socioeconomic, not color.
	Yeah.
	I think if you're broke as fuck, I think that high is nice.
	Yeah.
	I think if you're rich, it's like, I'm high and it's the same people and I got a view of the ocean.
	This is kind of stupid.
	Yeah.
	But I think if you're broke, like think about the highest you've been when you were poor, you're like, this is an alternate reality.
	I'm really dancing at this wedding.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, you can lose.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, because when you're high, yeah, yeah, that's a good point, man.
	That's a really good point.
	When you're high and you're poor, it takes you out of being poor.
	It's like anything's a possibility for a little while.
	I got to get this down.
	That's purple.
	When you are, and when you aren't, and when you are rich, then you start to get high.
	You're like, fuck, I might be missing out on opportunities or something.
	I think when you're rich and you get high, you're like, what are they fucking talking about over there?
	Yeah.
	About me, how to fuck me.
	Yeah.
	I'm going to go over there and cause a scene.
	But if you're broke, it's like, look, I go to meetings and they're like, well, I drink because my fucking, my father fingered me in front of my sister.
	And this, I'm like, I drink because I fucking love getting fucked up.
	And I keep going because the more fucked up I get, and then it crosses terminal velocity.
	And I go, if I keep drinking, I'll pass out and it'll be done.
	That's it.
	When I was 14, I had a rum and coke.
	13, I had a rum and coke at a wedding.
	And I was like, apparently I'm break dancing.
	And you've been dancing since then.
	And I'm a motherfucking breakdancer.
	Do you feel like you're a demon?
	No.
	I work for the Lord, sir.
	Yeah.
	I do indeed.
	I'm a conduit.
	Yeah, I'm a conduit.
	I'm an instrument.
	That's St. Francis of Assisi.
	That's the prayer I look at and go, okay, I get it, man.
	I don't do a great job.
	But I'm supposed to be a conduit.
	You are a conduit.
	That's what brought us together.
	Man is God in ruin.
	We're just fucking rubble of what the higher power, the universe is.
	I'm the Lord's Detroit.
	I don't think you're that bad yet because you're on the men.
	You're more like the river walk in San Antonio.
	They're like, what the fuck is going on down here?
	Like, oh, look, gondolas.
	Okay.
	All right.
	Yeah.
	They got a plan around here.
	Charles Barkley said all the women down here are fat.
	Don't give a fuck.
	We're up and running this business.
	Yeah.
	Papa Bitch still here.
	I like it.
	We're going to, let's do a couple of calls.
	You want to pipe some in, Nick?
	Talk about some things?
	I'm about to pee in my pants.
	Are you?
	How do you say gang gang?
	Gang gang, boy.
	That's it.
	What does it stand for?
	What's it mean?
	It just means, you know, that we're going to do this together and we're not going to be alone, you know?
	And it means fuck rich people as well, usually.
	Well, what about you?
	But you got more money than half the people that say gang gang.
	I don't think I do, really.
	This motherfucker saying Dabo.
	Dabo Sweeney's name is Dabo because there goes Dabo again.
	Dabo.
	Dabo.
	I knew a boy named Nodonte and his mom.
	This is the best thing I've ever heard.
	I mean, you got the white album, probably, so go ahead, but whatever.
	But his mother put, she knew he was going to be misbehaving, so she put no in the front of his name.
	How great is that?
	I don't know of anything.
	It's good.
	No Dante.
	It's sad good.
	It's perfect.
	But I don't know if society name-wise, if we'll ever top Anfrony.
	Yeah?
	Yeah.
	Anthony Hardaway?
	Well, that's the only one that I know of.
	One of the best two.
	Like, I'm not sure how.
	Anfrony.
	Yeah.
	I wish I named my kid Anthony, and I'm not joking at all.
	And fucking Anthony, hey, Max, go fuck your Max.
	I got an Anthony, yeah, I got a Max nephew, and yeah, I'll tell you, I've got my son's name is Meredith, means Lord of the Sea.
	It's his first name, yeah, Meredith Daniel.
	What do y'all call him, Dith?
	I call him Meredith Daniel.
	I call him Meredith, and my people, Mackey, when he's like, people call him Mackie.
	But I'm like, no, that's a tight name.
	And I talk about it on stage.
	I'm like, if he was a black slot receiver, that was a game.
	Meredith Daniel?
	Oh, college, like, Meredith Moore, like just a hand, like a Rick Fox-looking brother.
	Like, did you see this motherfucker named Meredith?
	Meredith Moore.
	His name is Meredith.
	That's Pussy Central.
	His motherfucking name is Meredith.
	Well, I feel like TMI.
	Yeah.
	Sorry.
	Let's go back to that moment then.
	So that year, you don't see your son, then you see him.
	You fucking call.
	It was longer than that because we saw each other piecemeal.
	And I had to get well first.
	And I went back to A like March 14th last year, and I didn't drink.
	I was just fucking ill, man.
	I was sick.
	My head was fucked up.
	I was roiling around.
	I was depressed.
	I was sad.
	The sadness was something I never addressed.
	Like, I'm fucking sad.
	And I needed a welcome chip.
	And I had been in the program May 5th, 1998.
	I went to my first meeting, but I never got a sponsor.
	I never did the work.
	And they say at the end of it, you keep coming back.
	It works if you work it.
	I never worked it.
	I never wrote out resentments.
	I never took my inventory, like my defects of character, like really looked at them.
	And it's amazing.
	The more I did the work, the more people in my life started talking to me finally the way I wanted them to talk to me.
	But they didn't change.
	I changed.
	Yeah.
	You know?
	So I was at a meeting in the Palisades and for some reason, I got like this fire in me.
	I said, I got to go write out my resentments now.
	I'm like, wait till the end of the meeting.
	I go, I'm going to wait one more second.
	And right when I waited, the speaker goes, there's a universe and me.
	And that's fucking impossible.
	And I'm like, whoa, wow.
	Now I can go.
	But I waited and I heard that before I left.
	There's a universe and me.
	And that's impossible.
	I was like, holy shit.
	So I'm writing up my resentments and I'm mad at so-and-so for keep, and I put it in quotes, keeping me from seeing my son.
	And then I kept writing, why did I just put that in quotes?
	Because one of my defects of characters, I've never given 100% at anything ever.
	It's just athletics, stand-up, fighting, girls, meeting people.
	Everything always just come really easy to me.
	And the one thing I gave 100 at was my marriage.
	And so that caved in on my first defective character of an insatiable need, irrational need for validation.
	I get applause for going to my office.
	People go, fuck yeah, you're at fucking work.
	Let's do it.
	Every single time, right?
	So the marriage failing fed the, like, I need more validation and why I give 100% because look what just happened.
	And I just was out of the marriage long enough that I was actually six feet tall and I was tall enough because the only that 1% I didn't do was just go to their house and ring the bell and say, I'm sorry to the stepdad.
	I put a lot in your plate, man.
	And I did.
	And I started crying and he held me like a baby.
	He held me, dude.
	I'm like, I put a lot in your plate.
	I miss my son.
	I still know what his air smells like.
	And he goes, it's okay, man.
	And he fucking held me like a baby.
	Like, I'm in debt to this dude forever.
	Like, this guy's got a problem.
	I got a fucking problem.
	Yeah.
	I take care of my problems.
	This man loved me.
	And I put shit on his plate.
	I went over whatever, a sincere apology.
	And I had to make an apology to the mom.
	And it was legit.
	Like, man, I just, I didn't show up.
	And that's the thing I hate most about my father.
	My father was in the house.
	My father did not show up.
	It just different angles and stuff.
	Yeah.
	Optics, as you would say.
	Yeah, he was there, but not there.
	But he was.
	Some elements, but he was.
	It's my insatiable need.
	I need him to throw catch a different way.
	You need a different way.
	Every day.
	Like, yeah, but I'm fucked up.
	I'm fucked up.
	It's me.
	Yeah, you need everything.
	You need him to dress you in furs and feet.
	You can possibly sustain what I need.
	And I need them.
	Yeah.
	Nobody can sustain what I need, and I need them to read my mind.
	It's the one I need to leave me the fuck alone.
	And you also aren't even going to tell them what you're thinking because they should already know what you're thinking.
	And I'm a lonely person, but everything I love to do, I do alone.
	Stand-up wrestling.
	I love to fish.
	And I paddleboard, and I fish from a fucking paddleboard.
	I love to drive.
	I didn't say that.
	That's what I do alone.
	And that's when I'm my happiest because I can't talk.
	There's no talking alone on a paddleboard, but you have a fucking four-pound bass towing you past Dukes.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, dude.
	You got to come out there.
	Dude, it said crazy.
	I'd love to come out there.
	I never fished off a paddleboard before.
	You only eat shit for about two months.
	You know, when I saw my son, and then I made amends and I made amends.
	And I see my son, he's like, this beautiful, if you could just time-stop life and meet you two years from now, or like meet your girlfriend.
	I don't know who's in your life that you're closest with, but if you just like two years, and then two years later, you're the proper age and you get to see what that person's like as the awe, the wonder that you would have.
	Wow.
	But it happened.
	And you're like, and then I had to go back to the stepdad and go, this kid's got incredible qualities and it's your doing.
	I see you, man, and I love you for it.
	And I'm so grateful.
	And then you go, but I also see the basement.
	I see that hurricane door.
	I see the first floor.
	I'm like, oh, I built this motherfucker from scratch.
	Like, he can't shake that.
	And then they little by little, the thing is, if you ever, if your listeners are ever like away from a kid for a while, you cannot talk.
	You may not.
	You are not allowed.
	You may not talk shit about another parent.
	And every time you do, you sink smaller and smaller and smaller.
	I had to be six feet tall again after a kookie.
	I went to a mental hospital twice.
	And the only reason I didn't take the bed is because I had the improv the next night.
	And I said, I can't do that, Dorita.
	And I had a great show and then a meeting on Sunday morning.
	And then a Monday morning wrestling practice was like, clear, and I got well that way somehow.
	It was crazy.
	But I was in the fucking place downtown in Kaiser.
	Damn.
	I didn't have any money.
	They could take me.
	And if you have a kid that you see, you may not defend yourself.
	You can't talk shit about anybody.
	You just have to be silent.
	You don't learn shit when you're talking.
	And that kid will teach you more.
	And they'll tell you more shit that's untrue.
	And you just sit there like, oh, you just take it?
	Yeah, because your child's talking and feels comfortable enough to actually share shit about you that he would like to scream in your fucking face, even if it's not truthful.
	Damn.
	And eventually, the truth don't move, man.
	The truth doesn't move.
	And little by little, by little by little, the kid starts saying things like, I remember you played Chet Baker for me when I was a baby.
	And like, now I'm the only one in my class that knows who Chet Baker is.
	I bet that hits you in the heart, huh?
	You're like, good.
	Okay.
	And then you realize, then they just, you know, you could say things to your kid.
	I said to my son, I go, you know, there's a guy in California.
	He's watching the sun go down.
	There's a guy in Japan watching the sun come up.
	There's a guy out in outer space.
	He don't see the sun at all.
	All three of those guys, that's reality.
	And it is reality.
	So you just got to be aware that there's a guy in Japan, there's a guy in Malibu, there's a guy in space, and just that's all I'm going to say.
	A lot of perspectives going on.
	Same time.
	Little by little, they figure shit out.
	They know.
	Do you think your son, do you ever worry that he doesn't do you feel like he loves you enough?
	Yeah, it's astounding.
	It's the most powerful thing I've ever had in my life.
	I have a 15-year-old son that's six feet tall.
	He wants to be president of the United States as he did when he was a baby.
	I mailed him an index card and I wrote, is housing a right or a privilege examined before you answer?
	And I get an index card in the mail a month later and he wrote, yes.
	I'm like, damn, he's going to get assassinated.
	Like, he's Bobby Kennedy level, right?
	Yes.
	Were you amazed at how Is that Brian Adams?
	Yes.
	Dude, I was doing a show.
	Oh, and it's Paul McCarney.
	I was in South Africa and met Brian Adams at a yogurt bar, at a breakfast bar.
	Is that what they call it?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, we just say glory hole.
	Now, are you amazed that children, just as a parent, because I've never been a parent, are you amazed that kids can, like, you know, do they bounce, like, just how resilient they are and how much they bounce back and what their affections are like?
	Yes, but it was also my resentment was there was nothing to bounce back from.
	I was sort of omitted.
	And the goal, I felt the goalpost moved.
	Like, wow, now's not a good time.
	A lot of that.
	It must have been hard for you to, like, just hold on, hold.
	I went to a mental hospital twice.
	And that was on top of the marriage, on top of a job that made me insane.
	Like, so you're being gaslit in three different directions.
	And you're like, the odds of a fucking job, a wife, and an ex all saying the same thing to me are zero, yet it's happening.
	And they can't all be wrong.
	When you're a kid, your mom goes, so everyone's wrong but you.
	And you go, oh.
	But then as an adult, you look at that shit, you go, yes.
	I'm fucking positive.
	It's an impossible confluence of fucking people.
	That's Andrea Gale, bro.
	You're an Andrea Gale.
	Yes.
	But then I also realize there's a language I speak that don't go through the UN headset.
	People don't know.
	So I had to work on my shit.
	Damn.
	Leave it out on that note.
	Home of the motherfucking outcast.
	You're troubled, man.
	You're interesting, though.
	Troubled?
	No.
	I love that you said on the phone.
	He goes, I've always dug you.
	You seem like a real strange dude.
	Yeah.
	I'm not troubled.
	But not troubled.
	Like, I mean, but I think I'm troubled.
	I think it's good.
	He got really fucking defensive.
	Yeah, I did.
	I get nervous.
	Oh, not troubled, troubled.
	I fucking troubled like a math problem.
	Troubled.
	I'm not seeing you walking around with your fucking fingers and kids.
	You know, he's fucking troubled.
	What?
	Troubled.
	Fucking troubled.
	If you were one of the wet bandits, dude, based on that voice, which one would you be?
	The tall, skinny guy or would you be part of the?
	One of the wet bandits.
	The wet bandits are the guys that attacked Macaulay Colkin when his parents went out of town.
	I'd be Stern because Indeed is the VO.
	Does he really?
	Oh, no, he does the VO for the Wonder Years.
	Which guy that gets hit in the fucking face and beaten up do I want to be first?
	Yeah.
	Neither.
	Who would you be?
	I'd be Pesci.
	More fun to play.
	Yeah.
	No, I don't know.
	Will you be the guy that leaves the faucets on because he wants the acclaim?
	Will you be Pesci who's just in there?
	It's a tough one.
	I'd be the fucking idiot who leaves the faucets on, I think.
	But that's the guy I want to play because I've played like all the fucking Cox and dicks.
	I've become Rutger Hauer.
	Yeah.
	Get Jay Moore.
	We need an answer.
	Really?
	Rutger Hauer?
	That's great, though.
	I don't know who that is.
	The hitcher?
	Uh-uh.
	I'm a Michael Landon fan, though.
	Did you ever work with him?
	No.
	Calls are coming, right?
	I love him.
	You want to hit a call, man?
	We'll hit a call.
	Let's hit a call and then...
	You see the thing I'm troubled.
	you just let me know if you want oh I've got I think Jay's mad at me.
	No.
	Come on.
	Are you kidding me?
	No way.
	No, I don't really think you are.
	I don't think.
	I don't know, man.
	You are uncomfortable.
	Yeah, I am uncomfortable.
	I get uncomfortable.
	Well, you did say that.
	I see you say that a lot in your stand-up.
	Like, your default setting, uncomfortable.
	Yeah.
	I like that you share that on stage because it's truthful.
	Yeah.
	And that's you.
	Yeah, I think I just, I don't know.
	I guess I just get afraid sometimes.
	If you're uncomfortable or afraid around me, that's just you sealing up in like a balloon boy bubble.
	Well, I appreciate that.
	And yesterday you called and you said, you know, the first thing I want you to know is that I don't think you could say something that would, I don't think you could be rude.
	Yeah, the last part of your text was, and none of this was meant to be rude.
	And I hope it didn't come because I read from the bottom up and I just read that one part and I called you.
	I go, I don't think you're capable of being rude to me because I know your heart.
	You're just a great, you're a good person.
	You're a great guy.
	Thanks, man.
	I appreciate you saying that.
	I can help you with this.
	I can help you with this fear.
	Yeah.
	Well, yeah.
	And it's based on nothing.
	It's not based in reality.
	It's not based on anything you've actually experienced.
	You've never been in a room with three guys and be like, this is where they fucking pin me down and broke my jaw.
	Yeah.
	It's all the construct of your conditioning and bullshit.
	I'll do it off my hike.
	No, it's fine.
	I don't care.
	I mean, I don't care about doing it on micro off quite.
	I just, I'm trying to listen to you and think about what you're and like feel what you're saying, you know, and try and see where it lands like inside me at the same time, you know?
	I have to pee my eyes out, but this call, though, but this call has been waiting, right?
	All right, let's do a call.
	You want to do one and we'll get.
	Poor person.
	If you want, I guess.
	This has been great.
	I can help you with that fear for real.
	No, I'm 100% serious, man.
	I really need to.
	I've never had it.
	It's weird.
	I'm the outlier.
	I know that.
	Yeah, maybe that's what it is.
	Maybe you're not trouble.
	You're just an outlier of everything.
	Certainly.
	Here's Alexander.
	Hey, Theo.
	This is Alexander in Largo, Florida.
	Just want to call and say, hey, man.
	Share some good news with you.
	My lady and I are signed up to run our first 5K race on April 7th.
	This is exciting.
	And Yeah, we're going to be celebrating with you in Tampa that same night.
	So even more exciting.
	That's it, man.
	Just want to say we're out there getting active, you know, getting after it.
	Trying to be life survivors.
	You know what I mean?
	We'll see you at Rock Brothers Brewing, bruh.
	Rock Brothers Brewing.
	Come see Theo.
	Well, no, I didn't know that that guy was.
	And when he first started, I thought that man was honestly in the men.
	I thought he, when I first heard him saying, especially Largo, Florida.
	A lot of assumptions, man.
	Yeah.
	And he was doing a 5K with his, and I said something, I was an asshole.
	Oh, he's off the line.
	I was a dick, like, oh, and he goes, it's exciting.
	I was like, is it?
	And then I went, you know what?
	They're doing it together.
	It is fucking cool.
	Because people that run like marathons, they got intimacy issues, man.
	You think?
	I know.
	You got to get ready to do like your run every day.
	Then you run for two hours alone.
	Then you come home.
	It takes an hour to shower.
	You got to eat the specific food that nobody else is allowed to touch.
	And then, you know, then maybe somebody leaves for work.
	Yeah.
	Like this guy's doing it with the old lady.
	So you think doing it with the old lady is that's, They're together.
	And they got to train together.
	And they talk about what they're doing?
	That's good stuff.
	So that's good stuff.
	Yeah.
	There's no negative there.
	I got a pee.
	All right.
	All right.
	I'm sorry.
	I took a long pee.
	I fell asleep sitting down.
	I had to sit down to pee.
	I had to pee so bad.
	You know what?
	I sit down sometime when I pee in the morning.
	And if I pee in the middle of the night.
	But that's because you got a boner.
	No.
	You know, the only reason you get an erection in your sleep is so you don't pee in your bed.
	Is that true?
	Yeah, you can't pee when you get a boner.
	I went to bed no joke till I was probably 32 years old.
	Well, I'm sorry.
	And I went to bed.
	I was a bed wetter, but not like that.
	But I went to bed from the top of my dresser.
	Oh.
	That was my first joke ever.
	I can't believe this shit.
	I was 16. That was my first joke.
	Dude, that's a fucking great joke.
	I'm athletic.
	I was a captain of the miniature golf team.
	I missed last year.
	I was hit by a windmill.
	And I'm a bed wetter.
	I mean, everybody, but I do it from the top of my dresser.
	That's so good.
	That's what I thought my first five minutes was.
	And then I saw a tape of it.
	And I was like watching like another country's parliament talk.
	Like, what the fuck is that?
	Watching the dispatch box.
	Look across at Mr. Costgrove, the fine gentleman from Edenborough, and he throws, oh, yeah, yeah.
	I'm like, what?
	I had my five minutes.
	I knew what it was in my head, and I watched it.
	I didn't understand what I was saying.
	Wow.
	That's funny to me.
	I've never heard that in my wet bed.
	I've wet my bed my whole life.
	I mean, most of my childhood was constantly, because then I had to take a pill because they came out with a pill where you took this pill from the doctor and you wouldn't wet the bed.
	when that came out, finally I could go sleep at friends'houses because I always had to be the kid who was up all night walking around your house loitering or I had to be the kid who, you know, Your dad was just not around.
	Yeah.
	And your mom had to do all of that.
	And you were aware of how much your mom did.
	And your fear is from the childhood, it's the fear of, I can't upset this apple cart.
	I see the delicate nature.
	I see this ecosystem.
	I can't run through this garden with boots on.
	Yeah.
	And there'd be hell to pay, but there was never hell to pay with you.
	Your mom was incredibly gentle with you.
	And she saw you.
	Like, you know, she saw you.
	And she didn't laugh.
	I saw you say that in the teaser.
	Wasn't a lot to laugh at, but you knew she knew.
	But with your dad's absence and with siblings, they would catch a beat.
	And for some reason, you got your fair share, but it was disproportionately.
	It was them, not you.
	Yes or no?
	Only say yes or no?
	No.
	You got most of the beatings.
	I think everybody got decent beatings.
	One or the other, buddy.
	It's not true.
	Because somebody doesn't fuck around, so they don't get any beatens.
	How many kids?
	Yeah, I don't remember.
	That's a good question.
	You don't remember how many kids are in your family?
	Four kids.
	That was an odd response.
	How many kids are your family?
	I don't remember.
	Well, somebody, I remember.
	There was a small person with a bad hair.
	In the pecking order.
	I was number two.
	I had a brother that was two years older than me, and then two sisters that were two years older than me.
	You took beatings from him, too, because he had to take out the aggression.
	Yeah, and he wasn't, neither one of us were good fighters, man.
	But you, well, he was a lot better than you were.
	Two years is an eternity when he's 10 years old.
	Yeah, his arms were heavier than mine.
	So you had to live in fear of that.
	So you were on eggshells on the way to school, in school, on the way home from school, in the house where you're supposed to be safe and sound.
	And your comrade, your number one guy, your go-to guy, is the one that's going to kick the shit out of you probably the most because he can't fight anybody.
	He can't beat anybody up except you.
	Yeah.
	That'll make you fear.
	You know what?
	Now that's true.
	That'll make guy carry fear.
	Yeah.
	Maybe that's the end of the.
	Did your mom pass?
	My mom's still alive.
	She's still alive?
	Good.
	Yeah.
	Is your dad gone?
	Yeah.
	That's very conflicting emotions.
	What about your dad?
	They're both alive.
	They are?
	Both my dads.
	Paul Riser and the other guy.
	My two dads.
	No, both my dad.
	Oh, dude, the other guy with the mustache.
	Nobody knows his name.
	Both my parents are alive.
	They're still together.
	They're in Jersey.
	And I just, yeah.
	I just, my dad, I just seem to annoy.
	But that's how he just was.
	Really?
	And I sent him a long email once.
	Like, let me tell you something.
	Because I realized, I asked my father in the back of my book, No Wonder My Parents Drank.
	There's like a questionnaire to give your dad or your son or your uncle or whatever.
	The answers will blow your mind.
	Like, these are not the people you know.
	Like, what's the best part about having a kid?
	What's the best part about having a son versus a daughter?
	What's the hardest part about raising a son?
	How is it different?
	When's the proper time to have the birds and the bees?
	When you go to bed?
	Are you ever done being a parent?
	And my father's answers, I gave it to him like two years ago for some reason, and not when the book came out.
	His answers fucking shook me, man.
	It was like when you were born, basically like when I was born, it was the greatest day of his life, and it still is.
	Fills him with joy.
	I'm like, joy?
	I've never seen this guy have joy in my life.
	He reads books when he gets home from work.
	It's dinner time.
	They watch TV.
	They go to bed.
	Repeat.
	Yeah.
	And my dad was never affectionate, so I always made a vow that I would always show affection and always be present.
	My grandfather was like a big deal.
	He was like president of Revlon.
	He was a band leader.
	He ran for Senate.
	Revlon?
	Yeah.
	From the hair care?
	Makeup all it.
	Oh, wow.
	And then he was a perfumer, and then he started, made his own company.
	And then, so my father just explained, like, basically, like, this guy was kind of a son of a bitch.
	And he treated us, he wrote, I remember my dad wrote, he treated us as adjuncts instead of children.
	Like, just, you know, then we acquired the ping pong table room over here.
	Like, it's like, no, I'm John.
	I'm your oldest.
	I run track at Rutgers.
	So it felt like buddies.
	Did it feel like buddies?
	No, it was demanding.
	Like, he was a compiler.
	Like, he was in Nixon's cabinet.
	He was on the.
	He's a Water Gator.
	No.
	He was on the up and up.
	He's not stupid.
	Fucking spy on people that might be against you.
	Come on, man.
	I'm from Jersey, man.
	That's some straight Whittier fucking faggotry.
	Yeah.
	He's a clean water gator.
	I have a sister name.
	He wasn't a water gator.
	He was on the council for the aging.
	He was in the cabinet.
	special guy Your father did?
	Sure.
	So my grandfather.
	I'm Whittier.
	Whittier?
	Yeah.
	Beautiful.
	I love all the things we could talk about.
	I'm telling you, I said, how many times the universe tapping us on the shoulder yesterday on the phone?
	So my grandfather was just not warm.
	And my father vowed to be like really warm.
	So what I perceived as like an absence of...
	Was no, it was warmth because he didn't have anything to go by.
	There's no diorama for him to study and go, this is how you treat a child warmly.
	Because he didn't know it.
	Right.
	So everything he ever, like, he always played catch with me.
	He never, ever, ever in my life said no.
	That doesn't sound like a big deal, but to a guy that's insatiable like me, my wrestling matches in Bootin, New Jersey, up Route 23 in the middle of fucking nowhere where toothless hillbillies are sitting next to their wives and their kids and whatever.
	Like just that, that old joke, you know, is my sister wife or whatever.
	Always went on the road.
	Wrestling matches started fucking 60. Way ends are at 6 a.m.
	You guys are close.
	I didn't know it at the time because I was too busy with an alcoholic brain as a kid.
	Like, what's with this guy?
	What's with this guy?
	What's with this guy?
	And what's with this guy is he quit his job in the city, so he was home with us more.
	Wow.
	And he wrote that all out.
	And I was, and I just wrote him back, like, I owe you an apology.
	Every time I've ever written, because in Gasping for Airtime, a Saturday Night Live book, I'm like, this guy never gave me affection.
	And this, I'm like, I'm mortified that I ever wrote this about.
	And all those questions are in the back of your book, I could send them to my mom or something?
	No wonder my parents drank, yeah.
	You'll be, you have to because her answers.
	Man, I need her answers.
	You will get her answers.
	But my father didn't send his till two years later, and I didn't expect them, which is good.
	I was fucking, I was low when I got that shit in the mail.
	You needed it.
	I was alone in my apartment, like scream crying, like, ah!
	And then my housekeeper comes in.
	I'm like, get the fuck out.
	She's like, we don't have wind eggs.
	I'm like, I know it's why do you think I'm crying?
	Because I can't see out of any of the windows.
	Look at my man right here.
	I love you at the Farley Mural.
	Yeah, man.
	A young man named Brady Matthews painted this for me and it was his first one.
	Well, Brady Matthews needs to hear the story and then we'll go jump on to more stories.
	Yeah, we'll jump onto more stories in just a second.
	David Tell and I shared an office at Saturday Night Live.
	If you want to make sure nothing gets done, put the two of us at an office like Paul House.
	He had a box set of Otis Redding that Lauren gave him for his birthday and he cut a hole where the mouth was and put a cigarette in it and lit it.
	Like that was two weeks of fucking laughter.
	Like how long does the cigarette last?
	One of them go faster and we're like, he's actually smoked.
	We weren't well.
	So Farley comes in on a rewrite night.
	There's no reason for Farley to be in the building.
	He was the most beautiful man I ever met in my life.
	Ever.
	My other grandfather, Red, my mom's dad, Maurice Ferguson, he was the one man that saw him.
	He was the most beautiful man ever.
	And then Chris, right behind him.
	And Chris wasn't sober the two years I was there.
	He had his shit together.
	He was, you know, in a van down by the river.
	It's then.
	Yeah.
	And he comes in.
	He goes, what are you guys doing?
	And me and David Tell go, we'll give you $100 to take a shit out the window.
	Oh, yeah.
	But we said at the same time, like, creepy twins, come play with us, Danny.
	We'll pay you $100.
	He asked us what we were doing and our answer at the same time.
	He's from Brooklyn.
	I'm from Jersey.
	He's Jewish.
	I'm Catholic.
	We'll give you $100, like the cadence, like we were singing a song together at the shit out the window.
	And he goes, give me the money first.
	And we're like, oh, fuck, patent pockets, bro.
	And including, and I'm not exaggerating.
	Making lunch, baby.
	$4 in coins.
	It was exactly $100.
	And so he takes the paper money, Chris Farley, puts it in his pocket, and then reaches across my desk, which is against the window, the longest way you could go.
	And fuck the strong motherfucker, man.
	Lifts that shit, tilts the desk, and the coins, again, are cartoon, ding, ding, ding, into his pocket.
	Like, ding, ding, ding, ding, like, stacks of quarters, stacks of, like, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
	It was amazing.
	Drops the desk, opens that giant ass window, goes up on the window ledge, and rests the window on the back of his neck facing in the building.
	Oh, wow.
	It's the 17th floor.
	He could fall to his death at any moment.
	Especially at his weight.
	That's a risk.
	He's very graceful, man.
	He was at no risk of losing.
	Did he have long legs?
	No, he was just like a football player, and he just had incredible balance.
	You seemed to cartwheels and shit and flips.
	He was great.
	And the only thing in the building was like his nose, his hands that were on his knees, and the snot bubble coming out of his knees.
	All the holding, just his head against that window.
	Well, yeah, and he's balancing on the ledge as well.
	Right.
	But it became obvious, and they do tell the story on stage, it became obvious immediately that Chris.
	He didn't have to pop.
	He didn't have to shit at all.
	But he had the money.
	And he always delivers, and the deal's a deal, but he always delivers.
	So you're doing that body Tetris at that point.
	What I'm talking about?
	I love you.
	I swear to God, I'll fucking marry you.
	You start fucking playing Django with yourself, bro, because you got to find a turd in you.
	Body Tetris, I'm mad.
	But that's true, though.
	You just move it around.
	Yeah, I mean, you're doing things.
	That's when you get the diarrhea with the stomach ache.
	You're like, I got to move this bubble here.
	Dude, that's when you start.
	Now's when I need that shitty piece that comes down, makes it right, and comes down again.
	Yeah.
	The one that fucks up your whole game.
	You need that little hitter.
	You need that baller.
	So, like, the window's rattling from effort.
	He's purple, and it's Farley.
	He's going like, son of a, I'll get it.
	And is he saying stuff also to make you guys laugh at this fall as well?
	He can't, he's insatiable that way.
	He can't.
	And after like a minute, which is a long time when a guy's above the skating rink, yeah, like if you ever see like a fig, one fig Newton without the Newton, one of those, like that size, that shape, like it was like square shape, oh, yeah, and it was thin.
	Oh, yeah.
	I'll guess consistency.
	Fell like the snow through the window behind him, fell from his ass in the window onto my fucking desk.
	Oh, that's a Detroit dove right there.
	He wipes his ass with his hand.
	There's no papers.
	We don't write.
	We don't write.
	We do nothing in there but fucking, I watch him smoke.
	I do diamond push-ups and I call escorts.
	And fucking Barley wipes his ass with his hand and goes, ah, and starts doing like a zombie walk and starts chasing in quotes because he's going doing a zombie walk.
	Me and David Tell are hauling ass down these hallways, but like in Scooby-Doo, he's always right fucking behind us.
	He's just going, ah.
	His eyes are all the way in the back of his head, so we don't know how he can see.
	And it went from like, haha, to like, oh no, like terrifying.
	Like I fought a Harbor Heights Mexican mafia gangbanger.
	He was on PCP and he wouldn't go down.
	I'm like, oh, this is great.
	Just like right between the chin and from the fucking middle of his eyebrow to like his bottom lip.
	Just and then like a minute in you go, this is a horror movie.
	Like I'm getting tired.
	And you get, well, you fucking year.
	You are.
	Like somebody fucking jumped.
	Mitch Mulaney gets out of his car and beats him up and the whole set.
	Mitch Mulaney like apparently just fought in Oakland his whole life.
	It was amazing.
	Rest in peace, brother.
	Saved my life.
	So Farley's chasing us around.
	There's a hallway going to Lauren's office that's single file only.
	Lauren Michaels.
	Yeah.
	Lauren Green, actually.
	He took over the show for a while.
	Did he really?
	No, he just mentioned Michael Landon, so jump on that.
	I love Michael Landon.
	Okay.
	Have you told him?
	Well, I didn't get...
	Let's start more stories with this.
	Okay.
	Because this ties right into everything I was just saying about your home.
	It's fascinating.
	He was the ideal.
	He was the guy.
	Oh, yeah.
	I get it.
	Even the pajamas that were the whole body red pajamas.
	You're like, see, that's what a man wears.
	Oh, he was Prince Henry.
	He was Prince Henry.
	Prince Harry.
	Prince Harry?
	He was our, you know, he was our.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	You know, he was Estee Lauder.
	He was somebody, you know, he was the big deal.
	Attel and I had a single file only.
	And I'm like, I am 11 months removed from college wrestling.
	So I'm like, and this motherfucker is right next to me, ass and elbows, Dave Attel.
	And he's like, I'm like, neither one of us are giving it up.
	And I'm on the bookshelf side and it hits my shoulder and my shoulder comes out of the socket and goes around me like a grandma taking her bra off at the table.
	It felt like it just went around my body.
	And if you're not sure you've been knocked out, it's like, I'm not sure if I napped or not.
	You did.
	Because there's no way, like, no, I didn't nap.
	Like, I don't know if I napped.
	Like, then you, something happens.
	If you're like, did I just get fucking knocked?
	Yes.
	Yes, you did.
	And I'm standing there.
	I'm laying on my back and Farley in the shithand.
	He's going, and I'm like, um, and I go, fuck you, Farley.
	I broke my fucking joes.
	I'm like putting it on, like, really acting.
	I made myself cry.
	And he goes, are you okay?
	And he stands up.
	And I just got up and I ran out of the fucking building and I jogged home and I got under the covers.
	It was like the most amazingly funny, the most impossible thing, the most frightening thing.
	And I like fooled like a beautiful man into thinking I was hurt.
	Like that hurt me worse than anything.
	His like, are you okay?
	Like when he stopped being a zombie, it was like heartbreaking.
	I just fucking wanted to throw myself in front of a cab.
	But that's, but it's almost perfect, man.
	I can imagine at that moment, you're under the covers and you created all of these, all of these things happened and you're filled with all these feelings.
	You're filled with excitement, laughter, fear, chicanery, because you guys created this crazy thing.
	The vision that somebody got shit on, the vision that hurt and all of that.
	And then you were able probably to just sleep comfortably.
	That's an enormous event.
	But it just shows how many feelings you have to have sometimes as an alcoholic to be filled with to be able to just.
	Oh, it was an overload.
	It was too many feelings.
	Right.
	But the one that got me was the, are you okay?
	That, that fucking, to this day, if I think about it long enough, I'll fucking cry.
	Like, that's a beautiful, beautiful man.
	Like, there's a reason you mention his name and people go, oh, my God.
	Like, yeah, you think you know, but you don't know.
	But I'm glad you know what you know.
	Yeah.
	But he was the most beautiful man I ever met in my life, not named Maurice.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	I'm trying to think of the most beautiful man.
	Oh, ours is always, I mean, growing up, it was Michael Landon, and as an adult, I haven't chosen.
	But when I was young, it was Michael Landon.
	You're right across from me, but I'm right here.
	I know you are.
	And I'm glad you are.
	No, I can't fuck with Michael Landon.
	Nobody.
	Deacon Jones.
	I don't know who that is.
	Get the fuck out of here.
	Philadelphia?
	Get out of here?
	76ers?
	We're going to wrap it up.
	76ers?
	No, we'll go to Moore Stories.
	How about that?
	Yeah, yeah.
	We'll go over to Moore Stories to Jay Moore's podcast, and you'll be able to catch us on there.
	Jay, I just want to thank you so much, man, for coming in.
	It's super.
	I love you, brother.
	I see you.
	I can't look you in the eye when I say it because I don't want you to be uncomfortable, but I do.
	That's that, man.
	You are the absolute guy.
	Like, I can't wait for your future.
	Like, you're the funniest fucking guy.
	I'm like, I have to just do this podcast.
	Mine, meaning mine.
	And then you wanted me to be on yours.
	I'm like, yeah, let's break bread.
	Anytime, any place, bro.
	I appreciate it.
	Let's crack some fucking skulls out there.
	Yeah, it means a lot, dude.
	I'm a huge fan, and thank you for entertaining us.
	I'm a strange guy.
	And for being here.
	Yeah, man.
	You're strange, man.
	You're not troubled, though.
	No, I'm not troubled.
	I'm aware of my troubles, which I think negates it.
	Yeah, it's like you're in Indiana Jones in your own.
	Where's my whip?
	Yeah.
	Where the fuck is my whip?
	Always.
	I hate snakes.
	All right, man.
	I appreciate you.
	Yeah, thanks, bud.
	Hey, Kizzy, if you can hear this, come fuck with it.
	Thank you guys so much for being here this episode.
	Happy Easter to you or happy Passover or happy, you know, atheism.
	If you're into that, if you're into the, you know, if you're out there, you know, juggling the devil's ball bag and you like being out there like that, you know, we just, you know, the full moon is your only friend.
	And then that's for you, too.
	And I hope you enjoy yourself, and I hope you got some candy from a rabbit, or I hope you do.
	But I'm going to spend this weekend in Louisiana, and I just wanted to say thank you guys.
	This was our first guest that we had in the studio, and you know, I'm just, I'm hopeful, I'm excited for doing more, and I'd love to know any feedback that you guys have.
	Drop a comment on YouTube.
	Constructive criticism, please.
	Let's try and, you know, just keep it, you know, let's try and serve our criticisms in a healthy manner and in a helpful manner if we can.
	Also, I got to let you guys know about Starflow.
	StarFlow is the location for fans trying to link up and get closer to their favorite celebrities.
	So sometimes you don't want to be a peep in time.
	You know, you don't want to hide out in Giselle's trash or, you know, or hiding out in a dumpster by our house.
	So that's why you go to Starflow and you get that direct celebrity interaction.
	You know, it provides a hub for consumers to access their favorite talents and celebrities and exclusive content in only seconds.
	Think about seconds.
	There went some.
	It's available on the App Store or at starflow.com.
	It stays out of that sell your information secondary market.
	It's a safe place where you and celebrities and brands and everything can coagulate and touch each other on the shoulder.
	You know what I'm saying?
	It's about users, creators, and content.
	Check it out, starflow.com or starflow on the app store.
	And we'll have the link below in the YouTube and on the iTunes.
	Thank you guys again so much.
	This is our first guest and we hope for many more.
	Thank you, Patreon, for your patience and support, helping us get into this studio.
	And I hope you guys have a good one, man.
	Be good to yourselves.
	You probably deserve it.
	Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
	The answer may shock you.
	Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
	Sometimes I won't.
	And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
	You have three new voice messages.
	A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
	I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
	So great.
	Hi, Sweet.
	Is it deal?
	Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
	John Main.
	I'll take a quarter potter with cheese at a McFlurry.
	Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
	I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
	Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
	Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
	Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

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