Theo takes over the old TFATK studio. Tootsie rolls and Florida. Virgin calls in. Icy Mike. Marriage suggestions and New Orleans. Subscribe to youtube channel: https://goo.gl/3zEJRV Check out Starflow: https://www.starflow.com Hotline: 985-664-9503 Tour Dates: https://www.theovon.com/tour Sponsor: https://www.greyblockpizza.com Intro Song: Stevie Starlight 'Come Over' https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RbfQri3Nv3M Theo Von: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theovon/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/TheoVon Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/theo.von Reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/TheoVon/ Guntkirk for the win! Alaskan Rock Vodka Renee Nicol Matthew Snow Ryan Wolfe Angelo Raygun Carla Huffman Shannon Schulte Aaron Stein Steve Corlew Ken Melvin David Smith Lorell Loretta Ray Stacy Blessing Andy Mac Campbell Hile John Kutch Adriana Hernandez Jeffrey Lusero Alex Hitchins Joe Dunn Kennedy Joey Piemonte Robyn Tatu Beau Adams Yoga Max Bowden Shawn-Leigh henry Roar Hanasand Laura Williams Not Even Wrong Xela Person Mona McCune Suzanne O'Reilly Rashelle Raymond Chad Saltzman James Bown Brian Szilagyi Arielle Nicole Greg H Dave Engelman Dylan Clune Calvin Doyle Robert Doucette Jacob Ortega Jesse Witham Andrea Gagliani Scott Swain William Morris Qie Jenkins Aaron Jones Jon Ross Kevin Best Haley Brown Ned Arick J Garcia Lauren Cribb Ty Oliver Tom in Rural NC Christian from Bakersfield Matthew Holland Charley Dunham Casey RobertsSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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All right, man, you know, coming to you live from that new studio here in Los Angeles, California.
The studio formerly known as the Fighter and the Kid studio.
I'm coming for everything.
I got that guest of the year, and now I got that studio.
And what's next?
Y'all don't want to give me a title belt?
Y'all don't want to give me a coffee mug for winning that G-O-T-Y?
Huh, Fighter and the Kid?
Well, guess what?
Daddy's about to take it.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Oh, yeah.
oh yeah That's him, baby.
Get that riff, boy.
Merry riffless.
It could be higher than a mountain.
Oh, it's fountain.
It's mountain.
Set me free.
Just don't say goodbye.
It's that Stevie Starlight.
It's you and me.
You and me, baby.
Two other destination.
Nation.
Next time.
Fantasy.
Painting it on the wall.
Come on.
This is it, baby.
Come on, guys.
Get up.
It's never too late to come over.
Time slips away from you and me now.
It's never too late to come over.
Time slips away from you and me now.
And that's that Stevie Starlight, man.
And honestly, that song make my crotch just crawl around my body, boy.
That's that why that song, you'll find your dick hanging out under your arm.
You know, you'll find your tits mingling down by your ankles.
You know, because they scurried off of your sternum.
And that's that Stevie Starlight.
Man, it just something about that song, it just, you know, and I got reminded because I got this message on social media this week.
Here's the message.
Hey, Theo, 25-year-old long-haul truck driver out of Kentucky, which to me out of the gate seemed very alarming.
A 25-year-old driving big rig out of the K-Tuck boy.
I hope you got collision.
Just want to say thanks for helping me get my swag back.
I now bump that Stevie Starlight.
If you ever see a trucker with no shirt and his nipples pierced, don't be surprised to hear that Stevie Starlight.
And man, when you sent me that message, whoever that was, I think it might have been on Instagrams, when you sent me that message, you just, I mean, you filled me up, baby.
You really did.
It's never too late to come over.
Why must we wait when we're alive?
You heard that line?
Why must we wait when we are alive?
That's Stevie Starlight, guys.
It is March 5. March 5, Monday, March 5 in the year 2017.
And I'm in the new studio, boy!
Look, I mean, and if you're looking on the YouTube, you see the new studio, it probably looks familiar.
Because The Fighter and the Kid, and that is a very popular podcast with two men, Mr. Brian Collins, and he is the kid, even though he is an adult.
He's double the age of a legal adult.
And then the other man is named Brendan Schaub, and he is a, he's like an Instagram model who, you know, he's also like a spokesperson, and he used to wrestle.
And these men are, they have a phenomenal podcast, and it's called The Fighter and the Kid.
And I've been on there, and now here I am back in their old studio.
Their studio, they moved up.
They're accelerating.
You know, they're taking things to that extra level.
And they got a bigger space.
And their old space was available.
And, you know, a little bit of homage to them.
I said, you know, I'm going to take the space.
So I took over that lease.
I want to thank you to my Patreoners who have been supportive.
If it weren't for you guys, would not be in this new position.
And this is going to be our new home for this past weekend right here.
So we got a real place we're going to be able to have, hopefully, guests come in and not have to do this in my kitchen.
Not have to do this in the dining room.
Because it was just getting hectic.
My windows were all covered up to keep the light equal in the apartment and it was just getting wild.
And so this would give me a chance to have a space that's for us.
And man, it does feel good immediately.
I mean, and look, we're going to decorate it different.
I know if you're seeing it, they still have a lot of fire and they have like their woodwork on the back wall and this beautiful portrait of Venice on one of the walls.
And, you know, some things are going to change.
Something's going to get adjusted.
But, I mean, this is, honestly, personally, this is one of the kind of the bravest things I've ever done.
You know, because part of me, you know, the podcast was just starting to make a little bit of money.
You know, just starting to have a little bit of extra money in the account at the end of each month to, you know, go out there and get a pack of snow cones, you know, or find a couple of local children and buy them a, you know, a box of, you know, chocolate cones or, you know, a box of sugar snaps or something.
But now, but I had to say, well, look, I can try and advance it and take that extra step.
And that's what I did.
I took that extra step.
And for me, it's just brave, man.
I, you know, I'm the guy I grew up in that, you know, I grew up in, you know, where if you had something, You fucking had it.
Everything I had was hidden growing up.
You ever do that, man?
As soon as groceries would come to the house, hide, hide that, hide that.
My mom come out, woke me up one morning.
She's like, What the fuck, you up here sleeping with a half gallon of milk?
I said, Gang gang, mama.
You know, gang gang.
Because, you know, that was just it.
Whatever came in, you would get it because you wanted to have your stuff.
You needed things to be yours.
And you were just scared.
You know, you're working, living from that place of fear.
And so, you know, to be here today and, you know, and having, you know, some listenership and moving up.
I mean, that's what we're doing.
We're just going onward.
You know what I'm saying?
because it's never too late, baby.
It's never too late to come over.
You heard him.
It's never too late to come over.
To come over to the side of, you know what, let's do this next step.
Let's accelerate.
And we got a couple of calls.
People knew, you know, I put the YouTube video up last week.
That's why there wasn't a Thursday episode because things had to be moved here.
I was at a wedding all weekend in New Orleans, visiting my family.
You know, we took the girls out to the dinosaur extravaganza or something out there.
You know, we got a box of Jimmy Johns from mom and Mr. Charlie from the war.
You know, he was in the war and he's still, you know, mentally he's always going to bat.
I mean, we're driving down the highway and my mom's husband is sitting in the shotgun seat and he's, you know, firing invisible guns at people as we're passing down the highway.
You know, he's still, he's flashing back.
And he's allowed to do that.
You know, he's in his 80s.
So he's allowed to, you know, he's allowed to stretch out a little bit mentally.
But he starts, you know, sending in other troops and shit like that when we're turning corners.
It gets a little, it gets a little real.
I mean, it gets a little bit call of duty.
If they had Call of Duty, but you could pick a character who's like 80 years old and, you know, wears a hat with like a bunch of World War II and Revolutionary War pins on the hat, on the brim of it, then that would be him.
And that's Mr. Charlie, and he was in the war.
And that's my mother's husband.
So I spent time there and we did all that.
A couple calls came in, man, and I'm going to play them just real fast right here.
And these are just about the new studio.
Here we go.
Hey, brother.
Congratulate on the new studio.
Looks cool as shit.
Gang, gang, onward, all that good stuff.
But, man, don't change your style, brother.
People love listening to your flow and, you know, do your little thing.
It ain't little, man.
I'm sorry I didn't mean to say that, dude.
I'm being a punk motherfucker today.
But, you know, just do your thing, man.
It's amazing.
Not everybody can do that shit.
Do it the way you do it.
So stay true to yourself.
Well, I appreciate that, man.
And you weren't being a punk.
You know, I feel that sometimes, too, if I use a certain adverb or adjective, you know, that I'm being offensive sometimes or whatever.
But no, man, this is a little thing.
It is.
You know, it's just a little thing.
And I'm excited.
And we took a little step forward.
And so that's what we're doing.
And I appreciate that, man.
You know, I appreciate you making the call.
You decided to call and say congratulations to somebody else.
And man, if everybody did that every day, if everybody was giving a call and getting a call to somebody else to say, look, way to go for anything.
I don't care if somebody just took a deep breath or if somebody won a fucking gold medal.
If everybody was dropping that call, man, I think we'd all be feeling good.
But I appreciate that.
You know, I appreciate that.
One more call right there.
Theo Bond, Theo Bone.
Everybody love some Theo Bond.
Hey, man, that's a Denny shooter.
And this is that Denny's shooter right here.
This gentleman called in a while back and he had shot up a Denny.
He had been a passenger in a car that shot up a Denny's.
Go on.
I just saw your video about your new studio.
Congratulations, my man.
Congratulations.
Proud of you.
Thank you for everything you do.
You're amazing.
We all love you.
Can't wait to hear from you.
Okay.
Well, you inflate my ego there at the end, but I appreciate the sentiment.
And I am excited.
I'm excited because it gives us a space.
It's almost like having a home.
You know, it's almost like having a home.
That's what it feels like a little bit.
You know, Chris Perez, he was working, you know, he came yesterday and got all the stuff out of my apartment and brought it over here.
You know, and he's out here sidekicking and helping out.
And it was, you know, I wanted to make a video before I left the old studio and just like, you know, a little sentimental kind of thing.
Because I've always been a scrapbooker, you know, low-key, honestly.
I always have been a scrapbooker.
I've always collected little pieces of this and that and put them away somewhere.
You know, because I think I was afraid growing up that I didn't, you know, I just, oh, I think my dad was so old that he didn't remember anything.
You know, my dad didn't remember anything.
I mean, my dad was born in 1810.
His father was born in 1880.
My grandfather was born in 1880.
So my dad, by the time I met him in 19, you know, born in 80, but, you know, probably started talking to him in about 85, 86, 87. He didn't really remember that much from being a kid, you know?
So part of me, I wanted to save little pieces of everything so that when I have a child one day that they will, you know, if something happens where I can't remember that they'll at least be able to have little things that'll, you know, little breadcrumbs that'll help them kind of hansel and gretel through my past.
And this, and fuck, what was I saying?
Jesus, dude.
I might be, I don't know what this is called, Amni.
No, not emphasizing.
I don't know what this is, man.
But I just, this always happens to me.
I start talking and I can't fucking remember what I'm talking about.
Oh, man, it makes me mad.
But anyhow, man, fuck it, bro.
Whatever, dude.
Thanks for calling.
I got shot up at Denny's with some people.
And, you know, onward we go.
Oh, it feels like a home now.
You know, it feels like a home.
And I always, you know, I saved little pieces of growing up and everything in scrapbooks.
I've always been a scrapbooker.
So I wanted to have that video of myself in the old studio, the last moments, you know, just kind of, you know, a farewell little video.
But, you know, I didn't do it.
And Chris, the sidekick, was like, look, man, I can help you get, you know, stuff out of there while you're out of town.
And I said, all right, man, go in there, you know, go into my place and get, and I get over here and things are halfway set up.
And we're going to evolve.
Look, this is a, and I want to know what do you guys want to see in the studio?
So if you want to hit up on Twitter, if you want to hit up on Instagram, put in the comments on YouTube, what do you kind of want to see in the studio?
Because I have some ideas, you know, we're going to do some things, but if there's one or two things you want to see, you know, or an idea that you have, I'm certainly open to it.
You know, we have to figure out what the best format is for like interviewing guests, you know, how to do it.
Do you sit somebody over there?
Do you sit across from them?
How am I going to feel most comfortable?
You know, I can't even record with somebody in the studio right now.
That's where I'm at.
So I'm that shit.
You know, I'm that kennel cat that's corralling in a corner.
You know, I'm that kennel cat that's corral, that, you know, that was raised by, you know, a couple of shotguns.
You know, he got a shotgun for a daddy and a shotgun for a mama.
Because if you go into like a kennel, sometimes you see a couple cats and they're hugging.
You know, they might have one cat who's fucking, you know, jerking off or who, you know, maybe you have a cat who's like kind of, you know, disguised his own tail like a dick and is like, you know, jerking it off or something or, you know, letting another chick kind of touch it or taste it or something.
But then you got that, and you got other cats that are juggling.
You got a couple cats playing soccer or whatever.
You got a cat that's got fleas, dude, but a couple of other chick cats are still fucking with him because he's got money.
But then you have that one cat over in the corner, and he's a little bit scared, you know?
He's got his back.
He has to have, he picks a corner because he has to have his back against two walls.
Some of us, the only place we can survive is with our back against the wall.
And this little kitten, he got to have his back against two walls.
And he can only feel energetic right there in that intersection.
And that's me, man, raised by shotguns.
I feel better if nobody's in the room with me.
It just makes me feel more comfortable.
And I guess it makes me feel like I'm with you, as opposed to if somebody's here in the room, then I'm here with them.
And we might try to do something more like that on the Thursday episodes.
But here we are, man.
We're in the new studio.
And I want to say thank you so much.
We hit the Patreon goal on March 1st of $1,000, and that got us into the studio.
So I'm just super grateful.
And I just can't believe this is happening.
We're making something cool.
And I'm trying to delve into this and just this shit and get more real and stay in the pocket and see what's going on.
And like that man said that called in, he said, don't change your style.
And I'm going to try not to do that.
So I went to a wedding this weekend.
I went and spent time with my family.
And I went down to Louisiana.
We had a good time.
We had a good time down in Louisiana.
My mother was down there and her, you know, they had a dead animal in the house.
And so, you know, my mom didn't want me coming over because she don't like having me over, I guess, if they got dead animals in the attic.
And I don't know what kind of animal it was.
It wasn't anything exciting.
You know, it wasn't like a fucking lynx or anything like that or a Louisiana black bear.
It was probably a, you know, basic animal, a bird that got stuck in there.
Raccoon, possum, some just run-of-the-mill straight-up gutter animal.
You know, I mean, raccoons are basically the homeless people of the animal kingdom when you really think about it.
Them bitches out there at night struggling.
They're dressed up like burglars.
Basic ass burglars, dude.
They're not even dressed up like real, like classy new burglars.
They're dressed up like just the fucking most basic burglars that you would see in a movie from like the 40s or something.
You know, they're dressed up like just fake ass ham burglars.
That's what they look like.
And, you know, so probably one of them dead in the attic or whatever.
Blah, blah, blah.
What else, man?
We took the girl.
I took got a box of sandwiches.
You know, I hit up that Jimmy John and got a box of sandwiches from my mother.
And she never had a Jimmy John sandwich.
And man, the thing about you get something from my mom and it's new, she never had it, dude, she'll ask you a million questions.
I wonder where this bread is from.
Oh, who is it named after?
I don't fucking know.
Jimmy John.
I don't know.
Some dude who gots two names for the first name.
So, man, it just, this shit was heavy, man.
You know, and that's when I just, I got to learn to practice some patience, man.
You know, my mom asks me stuff sometimes.
It just takes me back to when I was a kid and my mom would nag on me.
Immediately, I go inside.
I just go right there.
And I'm just that frustrated kid, you know.
Next thing you know, I'm, you know, off hanging out behind a Jimmy John's with a couple of 14-year-old dishwashers smoking cigarettes, you know, trying to get my feelings out of my body, trying to get my angry feelings out of my body.
But we went, what else do we do, man?
I spent time with my nieces and my nephews, man.
You know, I'm really lucky, man.
You know, I really, you know, I feel really lucky to, I guess it's like, you know, I feel lucky to be around children and, you know, be somebody that people trust.
And that might sound crazy, but in my neighborhood when I was growing up, dude, you know what I'm saying, if you didn't, like, there's always that thing to stay away from strangers, but in some instances, in some neighborhoods, everybody's a fucking stranger, or everybody acts like it a little bit, or people are always kind of showing up or passing through, and you don't know.
You know, and you'd even be over by your friend's house, and their uncle or aunt would be over, or their step uncle, or somebody who's fucking somebody, and you, you know, you're not, you could, their parents would tell you, look, you have to play hide and seek, but don't let, you know, Uncle Mark find you.
And you're like, what the fuck?
Well, maybe we shouldn't play.
And they'd be like, nah, nah, y'all play.
Like, what?
And we would, you know, it's just like, but I guess I feel a lot, you know, I feel fortunate to be that family member that I'm cool.
You know, I'm good.
I'm okay around the kids.
You know, they trust me to take the kids.
You know, I can drive, you know, I drove my niece and nephews, 30, 40, mine drive them.
You know, and I guess, I don't know, my mom always worried.
My dad was so old, man.
My mom always worried about him anytime he would drive us.
You know, that's that risk you take.
That's that risk, boy.
You know, my dad, I mean, there was no, that dude, he couldn't turn his neck.
He could not turn his neck, man.
And so we tell him, I remember being five years old at the most and telling him which way if the light was red or green.
And you know how easy you could mess that up when you were a kid?
You don't fucking know.
The only way you even know red and green is because you've been through four Christmases.
So I remember being five years old and having no idea, you know.
I remember one time he had to look down this highway and I remember standing on his leg, putting both of my feet on the side of his leg, grabbing on his chin, because his neck was just so tight, that's why he couldn't turn it.
You know, and he's 76, 75 years old at this time, and just pulling on his chin, leaning out away from his leg, just as hard as I could, just like, you know, like you're hanging off the side of a boat, like holding onto a rope or something.
I just remember, you know, trying to turn his neck over to the right so we could see down this highway.
Just a bunch of fucking Muppet work.
Just a bunch of Muppet work, man, being young.
And that, you know, it was just, you know, so it was nice just to be around family and be around kids and make jokes with my nephews.
And just, I don't know, man, there's a lot I find.
I never, you know, I've always found joy in that, but I never found as much joy as I did this time for some reason.
And maybe it's because they're getting a little bit older.
You know, a two or three year old, you know, when you hear something about there, you know, you hear something bad happens to a child, you understand it.
You don't understand it.
It's whack, you know.
But if you, if you, one day if a parent were like, you know what?
I fucking dropped my two-year-old off in the fucking woods, dude, gave him a tent, gave him a igu cooler, a couple little lanterns, and said, fuck you, bruh.
I would almost understand that from a parent.
I would almost be like, you know what?
I could understand that.
Because kids at that age, man, they're just, they just cracked out their head.
They don't even any idea what's going on.
So it's nice to be around when they're a little bit older, man, and we can play games and just do fun stuff.
We could joke around.
They tell me jokes.
You know, we just had fun, man, and they had Cat in the Hat Day at school.
And one of my namesakes, my dad told me was Dr. Seuss's real name was Theodore.
And he told me that that was a name that influenced him.
Him naming me, Theodore Giesel.
March 2nd, that's when he was born, Theodore Giesel, Dr. Seuss.
And so they had Dr. Seuss Day at the little school, preschool and shit.
And I'm rolling up there with my little nephew, and he's probably, fuck, I don't know, man.
He might be four.
I don't know.
I mean, he's real small.
You know, if he was, I mean, he definitely looks like a kid.
You know, you know he's a kid when you see him.
You don't think he's like a little adult, like a little, you know, like a midget or something giganticism.
You think he's a child, but he, whatever.
He was dressed up like cat in the hat.
And we go to the kids' school and all these kids, man, are running around dressed like the Grinch and Thing One and fucking one kid dressed up like Rudolph, some kid that fucked it up.
Everybody's cat in the hat and this dude is Rudolph, man.
What the hell, man?
So, but it was southern Louisiana at its finest, dude.
We went out to some exhibit thing, took my niece to some dinosaur fair, and they got all these inflatable dinosaurs and kids getting head lice and shit.
Some kid vomited on the slide and stuff.
You got some two adults fucking beating each other with corn dogs, with hard corn dogs off in the distance.
Just, I mean, and people are short as fuck.
Do you get out there to South Louisiana, man?
Some of these people, everybody look like they should be a jockey on a horse.
Everybody look like they're that height that they maybe maybe rode there on a horse.
Like you got a probably, I bet you got a 6% chance that people fucking giddy-upped to get there.
And everybody, I mean, it just looks, I don't know, everybody looked the same.
Like, it would seem like they were just, you know, they had a small hat full of genetics and there was only a couple genes in there and you had to pick one of those out of the hat.
You know, they had some real just, I mean, I'm not, look, I'm, there's one thing to look wild, you know.
There's one thing maybe you born with three legs or something.
You know, and I'm nothing special.
I'm a healthy eight.
I'm an eight.
You know, I got a big nose.
I got a gender neutral hairstyle.
I got a short neck.
I got medium arms.
I'm missing, you know, I'm coming in lackluster in a lot of places.
I got the butt of a young black girl with Down syndrome.
You know, I got them hips like that.
I got them, you know, I got that DS booty, you know?
But when you start mixing genetics, you start mixing, matching, you know, the TGAC and all that shit that's supposed to be in the cells and you start crisscrossing things up.
I mean, they had some people just the traveling wheelberries of genetics.
You know, you expecting some Roy Orbison or you expecting, but then you get a little bit of everything.
And you're like, damn, I didn't know all these band members played together.
And suddenly they did.
And that's what you got with some of the genetics down there.
You know, you got them traveling wheelberries.
And who was in that band, dude?
My mother used to listen to that band when I was growing up all the time.
George Harrison, Tom Petty, Bob Dylan, Roy Orbison, Jeff Lynn, Jeff Keltner.
Can you go listen to the Traveling Wilberries?
If you never listen to them and you love music, but that's kind of what you think.
You're like, oh, yeah, somebody put too many band members in this band.
And that's what you get.
I mean, you saw a dude.
I saw a dude out there spitting in the air, catching in his mouth.
Like, that's not, that's like, it's kind of like juggling, I guess, but it's not.
But we had fun, man.
You know, we just took the kids out and, you know, it was just nice to be.
I don't know, man.
Maybe I'm fucking growing up a little.
It was nice just to be, you know, they came to me if the kids wanted, you know, they wanted somebody to watch them do this or they want, you know, they need help with something or they, you know, they come and ask the dog.
And they know I'm made.
You know, they know, I guess they start to know in themselves that I'm reliable.
And so I guess in a weird way, man, it's the first time that I felt like, maybe that's it.
Maybe it's like the first time that I felt like reliable, you know, in my life.
So, I don't know, man.
It's shit.
This new this new studio got me emotional in here, dude.
That's Brendan Schaub right there.
You know what I'm saying?
That dude is he getting kind of emo.
He got on $90 socks.
The other day, that's $45 a foot.
It's a foot, Brendan Schaub, not a wallet.
Each foot ain't supposed to be worth a high amount of money.
That's $45 a foot.
But it felt good to be with family, man.
It felt good.
You know, it's hard being a family member.
You know, it's hard, especially I didn't have practice growing up.
So when I get in it now, son, gang, gang.
But we're in the new studio, and I'm grateful.
A lot of people was asking about Icy Mike.
You know, I was on Joey Diaz's podcast last week, The Church of What's Happening Now.
And if you don't have an uncle, or you don't have a big brother or your husband's a straight-up wuss, go listen to the church of what's happening now.
You know, Joey Diaz does a special thing, and I don't know if it's part of his plan or not, but he has this weird ability.
It's not weird, I'm sorry, that's not the word.
He has this ability to just to make you feel he just cares, man.
He cares about a lot of people.
And you feel that when you go in there.
You feel that when you go in there.
And I'm just grateful.
We had a great time in there.
People were asking about Icy Mike.
And this man, Icy Mike, was this man when I was growing up in my neighborhood that had this dude, Icy Mike.
And he would always get these, he would get water from different parts of the country and he'd freeze it at his house.
And so in the summertime, you know, in the summertime, we'd go over to his house and have different types of ice from different places.
You know, he'd have all kinds of stuff, you know, salt water, brackish.
You know, he'd have, you know, something that had a little too much mercury in it, you know, some illegal shit.
He'd have some lake mead, a little bit of, you know, Gulf of Mexico.
That's, you know, that's easy.
We'd have different river, you know, the Chufuncta, the Choctaw.
I remember one year he got a couple buckets of the Colorado, and he would freeze it into chunks, and we'd go over to his house and eat it.
And kind of, you know, it was like a little vacation.
It was like a little bit of a vacation because some people got to travel a lot.
And when I grew up, you weren't traveling anywhere.
Dude, nobody took it.
Man, I remember this pedophile dude or this trucker, this long-haul trucker, put me and my buddy, Michael, and Michael had some deficiencies.
He had extra salivary glands in his face and he used to leak out of his mouth.
And he had us sitting in his truck playing a game of how many Tootsie rolls could we each put in our mouths, dude?
And at a young age, you think it's just a fun game, you know?
And I'm putting some in Mike's mouth.
He has us putting them in each other's mouth, you know?
And we don't have an idea.
We're children.
You know, we 11-year-old children.
And so we sitting in the cab of this 18-wheeler putting that this dude that we met off of a CB radio.
This man showed up in the neighborhood off of a ham radio.
And this dude pulls up.
Next thing you know, me and fucking Drippy Mike are sitting in this Michael.
Michael, I don't know if I want to say the boy's name, but he, but anyhow, he, this man had us putting, putting Tootsie rolls in each other's mouths and counting how many we could get into each other's mouth.
And I'm not saying something's wrong with that, but I'm saying something's wrong with that.
You freaking creep.
I hope that man just, I hope something bad happened to that man because you're not supposed to do that.
And that's the kind of thing, see, I'm not doing that kind of shit with kids.
I'm not out there playing stupid games with candy.
You know, I'm a safe, reliable person around children and family.
And this man had me and fucking Drippy Mike, Michael putting these in each other's mouths, man.
And Michael, little Michael put about, man, this dude had, I think he probably put about 17 into his mouth.
I put about 11 in and he put about 6 in himself.
And I tell you, this truck driver sitting there probably hard as fuck, dude.
Because that dude was probably a damn creep.
But thank God, man, this other, this guy named Clint, you know, like, like kind of like Clint, but with an N, Clint, he came and he whooped that man's ass when he saw that man had us in his truck cab.
And I'm thankful to that, man.
And that was, I'm pretty grateful for that.
But yeah, but anyhow, this dude, Icy Mike, would have us over to have different ices, you know, because when you were young, you didn't travel much.
And what I was saying was that trucker that picked up me and this other kid, Michael, drippy Michael, he used to, he offered to take us to Florida.
And when I was growing up, Florida was the only place to go.
When you grew up in Louisiana, if you met somebody who'd been to Colorado or something, that didn't make any sense to you.
You're like, what?
How did, sure, guy, okay.
Okay, sure, Buzz Aldrin.
Sure, you went to Colorado.
because the only place to go growing up in the South was Florida.
That was it.
Where have you been at?
Florida.
Where are you headed?
Florida.
If you saw somebody that came back from school, came back from summer break, and they had a t-shirt on that said Florida on it with a picture of the sun, a picture of a palm tree and a beach and a little sunset, good chance whoever was wearing that was going to do some fucking that year.
Because that shirt shows that they have been somewhere.
They have been traveling.
You see some of this other shit, Wisconsin.
You're like, what is that?
Wisconsin?
Is that a church?
What is that?
You know, what happened?
Because in the South, you know, when you're in the South, you grew up with a lot of tradition.
Everything is very traditional.
And you keep it small like that.
I'm sure it's the same for like Missouri, like Lake of the Ozarks, or, you know, like in Wisconsin, like or Michigan, like upstate Michigan, you know, like the Upper Peninsula or something like that, or over on North Carolina and South Carolina, like probably the Outer Banks, you know, like there's just these places where that's where people went for vacations.
And so that's what we kind of, you know, that was the only place to go growing up was Florida.
The only place to go was Florida.
So what was I talking about, man?
I don't know what happened.
Oh, so Icy Mike would get these places, would get these treats.
You know, this frozen water, we'd go over there, he'd freeze up a batch of it and break it up with a hammer, and we'd all be sitting over there eating a little bit of, you know, foreign water, something from somewhere else.
And it was pretty good, man.
It was a nice treat.
Because for us, that was like taking a vacation.
You know, we might not get to like, you know, Lake Minnetonka, but that doesn't mean that we weren't going to have a crushed sack of it, you know, and be, you know, you know, take the end of it, you know, to get the bag at the end.
You got a little bit of water left in your bag.
You ate all the ice.
And you're just dripping the water on each other's bare backs and shit like that.
And being chill.
And just, you know, it was like a chance to take a vacation without having to go anywhere.
Having them exotic ices.
And this dude, Icy Mike.
And I talked about that on Coco Diaz's podcast.
And you can listen to that podcast and check it out more.
And if you're not familiar with him, which I think a lot of podcast listeners are, he really is, I don't know if he's an, he's not a soothsayer.
You know what?
He's kind of a soothsayer.
He's a voice that you trust.
And there's something beautiful about that.
There's something beautiful about that.
Oh.
Hi, here in this new studio.
Boy, I got room.
I can come here tomorrow.
You know, I don't have to like, you know, the other place, if I'm at the house, man, and if somebody comes over to you, my whole dining room had been turned in the studio.
So if somebody's, you know, doing, you know, doing a shit or somebody's, you know, cooking up some broccoli or something, the whole studio stinks.
You know, even I live alone.
And the only person who would be doing shits and doing broccoli is me.
But still, I didn't want to say me.
But here, you know, they got a bathroom down the hall.
They got all kind of opportunity.
So I'm happy to be here caught up in this, man.
I'm happy to be here and caught up in this.
All right, let's get to this wedding.
I was at this wedding.
And, dude, I'm racing around the French Quarter.
And, you know, I'm trying to, you know, a buddy of mine and I invested in a place down there a while back.
And I couldn't find the code to the door and all of this shit.
And so next, you know, I'm locked out.
I'm running around a J-Crew trying to find a belt and some slacks and just some kind of bullshit.
You know, at the last minute, run to this wedding, get there 40 seconds before it starts.
And it was funny.
Well, I mean, you know, it was funny, man.
It was funny to be there.
You know, a lot of guys that I grew up with.
There's a guy in my hometown who, and I say this a lot.
I mean, this kind of makes, I'm not trying to make this about me, but, you know, he was getting married.
And he is, if I was better looking, I would be him.
He looks like me, but better looking.
Like people would see, like, I guess would meet him and then see me at meet me later and be like, oh man, what's going on, dude?
Did you get stung by bees?
Because I look like him if he got stung by a bunch of bees like in the face.
That's kind of how we look.
But it was great, man.
We went there and, you know, there's something cool about seeing your buddy, you know, get emotional and have some feelings up there.
You know, when he's gleeking out of his eye sockets a little bit, you know, he's feeling that love.
And then his lady comes banging into the courtyard and she's all dolled up.
You know, she got on a couple thousand dollar dress out there.
They skirting out, running around looking like, I mean, it looked like somebody, you know those doilies?
You know, rich people, they don't want to set their cup on the table because they don't like the sound of it.
Imagine how rich some people got to the point where the sound of a cup hitting a table bothered them.
So they had to put down a doily.
Well, her dress, it looked like they'd taken a lot of those fancy, nice doilies and made a nice dress out of them.
You know, she looked, I mean, she came out and you're like, dang, you know, I'd set a million cups on this little lady.
You know what I'm saying?
And I'm not, I mean, I'm not, you know, trying to holler at the lady.
I'm just saying she looked lovely.
And it was nice, man.
We just had a good time.
It was that wedding.
It was that wedding, you know, that wedding fever.
And this, you know, my buddy that got married, he's, you know, he's a handsome guy.
And I'm like, fuck, man, this dude, I couldn't help but feeling for one moment.
I'm like, damn, is he is brave.
That's what I thought.
He's brave.
Because that's what it seemed like to me getting married.
You'd like, you know, you clamping in.
And we were talking about that on the last episode.
And it was just so funny that I was at a wedding because you're clamping in.
And then there's only, I realize there's only a few, at this point, I'm starting to realize only a few of my friends, like my friends From home that aren't married, and you start getting narrowed into a circle of friends.
So it comes to point: the only people you're friends with are the people who aren't married.
So it's like, damn, you know, guess I'm friends with fucking Donald because he ain't got nobody.
You know?
Or guess I'm friends with Lamont because he blind and he ain't got nobody.
So next thing you know, you're down to just a motley crew.
It's just like, you know, it's you, it's fucking, you know, big Donald with that thing on his neck.
It's blind fucking Alan.
And you just get, you get narrowed down into just the few people who aren't married.
Those are your friends.
That's it because it's anybody's wife, anybody with a wife isn't going to let them be friends with somebody who don't have a wife.
And I don't blame them.
I don't blame him at all.
I don't blame him at all.
So it was interesting, man.
We had fun though.
We did some dancing.
Dude, my buddy's daddy can fucking dance.
This dude, I'm going to call him sometime and have him on the podcast.
I might even try to do it on Wednesday just to get some stories out of him.
This man, this dude Lamar, he'll drop a leg, bro.
Dude, I'm watching him.
I think, I said, at one point, I'm like, damn, he got six legs.
His fucking, I bet his stepdaddy's a damn caterpillar because this man got six legs.
And we had fun, man.
We danced.
You know, I danced a little.
I can't do it, man.
I get tired easy.
It used to be like four hours of raging, you know, a couple tabs of Molly or whatever would make me tired.
Now, like, you know, a big muffin.
And I got to slow it down.
But it was, man, it was just, it was wild to see.
And it was especially wild because we were talking about weddings last week.
You know, we cracking into that wedding, that wedding bliss.
You know, we've been talking about it.
We had a man named Gio that called the podcast last week.
I'm going to tap into his call right here.
Here we go.
Yo, what's up, Gio?
It's Gio from New York.
I'm just calling with a question.
All right, Gio, thank you for calling, bro.
I like this.
Onward.
We've been together a few years now.
She's always talking about she wanted to get married.
You know, marriage and marriage is something that I never really saw a benefit to.
You know, I never knew what was the reason behind getting married.
Yeah, you love each other.
You get married.
I love you.
You love me.
We both know we love each other.
You know, what benefit is getting married going to do for us?
You know, like.
Okay, and that was Gio's call, and that was on last episode.
And a couple people responded.
So I'm going to hit a couple of these responses right here.
You know, so you guys can feel kind of what, you know, you just can see what I want to hear what some of the suggestions and thoughts you had to Gio's question.
You know, why?
Why get married these days?
What's it worth?
What's the value in it?
Here we go.
What's up, Theo?
It's Brian from Benitas Springs.
Brian from Benitas Springs.
And I don't know where that is, but it sounds lightly Latino.
And the Nicaraguan part of me says Violo onward.
I'm calling in about the guy with his questions on if he should get married and what's the benefits.
I'm kind of going through the exact same thing as he is.
I've been with a girl for a little while now, and we're expecting our first daughter in May.
Okay, so you got that May baby.
You know, they say sometimes they say different babies are from, you know, that when you're born determines you'll behave differently.
You know, the stars, the moon, horoscopes, all that kind of magical shit, all that kind of stuff they have you buying at fairs and everything.
And I don't know about that.
You know, it's like they tell you to believe in like a constellation and next thing you know, there's a shooting star and you're like, well, what the fuck?
You know, half of Orion's belt just went out of business.
So some of that stuff is kind of hard for me to believe.
But I have always believed that if you were born in certain months or certain times of the year, that you are better at certain sexual positions.
So a Sagittarius might, you know, get that doggy style more comfortably than if you got some fake-ass Capricorn trying to jerk you off somewhere.
All right, let's hear a little bit more.
And I kind of told her in the beginning that I did want to marry her, but I didn't want to do it during the pregnancy because I wanted it to be special in its own right.
Okay, so you did want to marry her, but you don't want to do it during the pregnancy because you want it to be special in its own right.
This sounds like something I would not accept if I'm a woman, but let's hear more.
So I know she's going to kind of be expecting to get married sometime in the near future, too.
And now that I've said that to her, I've been thinking the same thing as him.
You know, I don't know if I want to get the government involved.
Wow.
More?
And so to kind of paint the picture, my thoughts are, you know, if we love each other and we're going to be together forever, or at least for until our child grows up, then I don't think it's that important.
You know, as long as your child has a stable mom and a stable dad that are working together, I don't think it's that important.
Look, I appreciate you calling.
Look, those are some real points, Daddy Cat.
Those are some real points.
Those are some legit meows.
Because if you, yeah.
But the thing is, how are you going to convince her of that?
You already told her after the pregnancy.
You know what I'm saying?
There's only so long you can keep that baby in there.
10 months.
I had a buddy that stayed in for 10 months.
And I'll tell you this, dude, he's an asshole.
He's a complete asshole.
And I know another guy that, you know, this dude, hella premature, this dude Daryl that I grew up with, and he, you know, you don't want that early, early baby.
Because he might, you know, Daryl might grow to 80 years old, but he's never going to hit nine months, if you know what I'm saying.
You know, his jaw and his neck are all kind of the same thing.
Everything, he's kind of, you know, he's like a one-piece.
He's like a one-piece swimsuit, but he's a person.
You know what I'm saying?
Like everything kind of, like he could put on a shirt and it's like his whole body is kind of covered.
You know, he looked like one of like something jim henson would draw so you want to make sure that the baby is just you don't want to you know try to shorten that or lengthen that based on to keep some promise that you've made and look man and if you come at her with this with this because at this point it's just going to seem like an excuse i'm just from my from what i think i think that to her this point it's just going to seem like an excuse you got this baby coming
i mean i agree with you let's just be love you know let's just be in love and take care of this this kid but people want the women and some well you got they want you to put your nuts they want you to put your pink slip on the line you know it's kind of like when you would race those race cars or people would rate you know race race cars or you know um you know we used to have this thing where people would race and uh you know get their kids outside and race them make the kids race each other and
bet on the children in our neighborhood and but it's like those pick the the pink slips with the cars you race the cars you put the pink slip down because if you don't put the pink slip down then you can say yeah winner gets the car winner gets my car winner gets your car but then you could just re-neg on that and that's not a racial slur either but you could just re-neg on that at the end and that's what's going on i think is that what people are saying is put your nuts on the line
put your nuts on the guillotine and let's let's play chop chop because otherwise you're just saying you're gonna but you know but another school look a beautiful school of thought is why do we need this and i'll tell you why is because it makes you it puts your skin in the game that's it it puts your skin in the game it's the same as like i you know when i do a comedy show and the tickets have all been given away to the show you don't know what to
expect people you know vomiting in their you know vomiting in their purse one lady vomited in her purse you know one dude came up on stage one night and came out of the closet in front of half the crowd and some people threw some shit at him like who cares dude nobody gives a fuck that you're gay let's go this shit isn't about you you know i'm saying so just you know sit down gavin this shit ain't about you but it's like when you when you give
away all the tickets it doesn't matter but when people pay for the tickets to the show that that audience pays attention that audience is there to pay attention and that's why i think you that's why you go in it like that that's why you go in it like that but i respect look man i feel for you you got the lady you got the baby coming at this point i'll just put eyes on the baby and just try to be honest and say what you mean but don't say it mean that's what someone told me recently
that's been resonating with me say what you mean but don't say it mean and um because you're gonna have to take a if you're gonna really have a be if you're gonna get more honest with your lady about this and you're gonna have to be extremely careful how you discuss it you know and if you think it's just fears if you think it's another woman if you think it's just fears maybe try and just tell her look this is what my fears are i love you but i'm afraid of this see if you can sound it out maybe you'll
come to some conclusions even just by sounding it out for your lady you know i'm saying because some of them you got to spit up in the air and let it land in somebody else's mouth and that's the truth that's what that's called that's called firing that truth because if you just keep spitting and catching it yourself you know that's easy to do because that's just recycling ideas somebody's got to drop that truth next door and uh and see how it tastes when you set it into somebody else's uh when you set it into somebody else's mouth all right let's hear another
response that came in for uh geo's inquiry about why marriage now hey theo just wanted to call in about uh the marriage topic and uh i don't know why anybody does it anymore because more people get divorced than people that stay together in marriages that's true you know more people get divorced than stay together in marriages i think that's true that's what everybody says um there's a lot of people that
are divorced there's a lot of people also that give up on fucking everything half of america has tried to get a real estate license and fucking bailed out after they got the course completion so you know we're you know we're fickle more statistically that's true and uh once you marry a woman it gets rid of incentive to stay with the person they marry because if they leave the relationship they
get half of the man's shit so how does that work you can just let yourself go get fat take the trash out no you just don't have to do anything and it's like yeah motherfucker dump me because if you dump me i get half your shit i don't know it just seems like a death trap to me man now he's got now that's a contractual point right there yeah you sign the papers i think they need to put some uh you know some decency limits in there for every crunch i do you
got to do a crunch you know for every uh wheat thin i eat you got to eat a wheat thin because if you out there just fucking you know you know juggling uh you know if you out there just juggling fucking you know high sodium lunchables on your tongue all week and you out there just sneaking in fucking hits of lunchables in the middle of the night and keeping lunchables up under your pillow and all of that and hiding you know hiding lunchables in a fucking ice
cooler in the bathroom under the sink and doing all of that and special chocolates and you blowing up and I'm out here doing celery and carrots that's not fair it's not fair and especially if you're just milling around in circles so maybe it's a maybe that's the truth maybe people need to start putting in these in these these legal agreements hey this is we're gonna stay within this health range.
It's just, but then you know what it is in the end?
It just comes back more to it's just me.
You know, what can, you know, if somebody does that to you, that's ice cold.
But you're right.
They go get a good lawyer.
If you're, you know, a man gets fat on you or gets out of shape on you or doesn't care about himself.
And I say get fat.
I'm sorry about that.
That's an easy one.
You know, I find myself, I was looking at myself in the mirror yesterday and I look like a young alcoholic because my gut's starting to look for my dick.
You ever notice when that happens?
When your gut starts just looking for your dick?
It starts kind of just pointing forward.
It's getting longer.
And I notice my gut starts looking for my dick.
And I could just see how some of it just happens.
You get busy working and your body changes and stuff.
And you just got to be in love, I think.
You know, that's one of the things.
You just got to be in love.
Somebody texted me and said, I can't remember who it was.
They said, you just got to ask yourself, can you be without this person?
Can you be without them?
And if the answer is that you can be without them, then they're not the one.
And I don't know if that's a fucking real good statement or not, but that's what I heard.
But there you go, Gio, there's a couple schools of thought.
There's a couple schools of thought.
You know, when we live in this me universe now and it's all about us and it's all about me, me, me, you know, how much are we really there for the other person when they struggle?
You know, if they're, you know, if they're not taking care of themselves?
Are we quick to just turn the other cheek and look the other way?
I know it's hard as hell to be uninfluenced by sex or by, I mean, advertising the way that they, I mean, they, advertisers have got us, it should be illegal to advertise the way that they do.
It should be illegal.
I mean, they are hitting us with every titty and crotch bulge and shoulder nipples.
I saw something on the internet the other day.
Some lady got nipples put into her shoulders, real nipples.
So you could look at her arms and be thinking about tits.
And if that isn't a bait and switch style of business, I don't know what is.
And it's just, you know, we're so influenced.
So as a, you know, as a man, you're just, you're so, you're so triggered constantly by sex.
Look over here.
Look at these billboards.
Strippers.
You know, pusse, puzz, puzz.
Casinos, vaginas.
It's just that it's amazing, you know, it's amazing we're not all just driving around just jerking off in our cars and getting into car accidents, which a lot of us are doing.
A lot of us are doing that.
But it's amazing it's not happening more at kind of a higher rate.
That should be an Olympic sport.
Run and jerk off till you come and then tag your buddy.
You know, that's it.
The come tathalon.
Well, not everybody, though, is as influenced by sex.
Some people want to be.
We had a young lady that called in a while back, Danielle the Virgin.
She called in, and this was her call.
You guys might remember it.
You guys might not.
But we're actually going to, she hit the hotline, which is 985-664-9503.
She hit the hotline and spoke and said, hey, Theo, I want you to give me a call.
So I'm going to call her in just a minute, but first I want to play for you her original call.
This is a few months back.
Let's hear it.
Hey, Theo.
My name is Danielle.
I am 25 and a virgin.
Not by choice, but due to lack of takers throughout the years.
Uh-oh.
She tight and tardy.
You know what I'm saying?
25 and still a virgin?
That's tight and tardy, boo-boo.
More?
I think it's a rarity in this day and age to be 25 and a virgin, and I worry it will be a turnoff for any guy when he finds out.
And that only heightens my insecurity about it.
Yeah, I know it's definitely a rarity to be 25 and African American, I think, in some communities.
I remember reading a document the other day, a lot of young black men get killed.
So that is a lot of rarities out there.
But let's hear a little bit more.
So I would just love some insight into this pickle of a situation from a male sexual connoisseur such as yourself.
Love the podcast.
Thanks.
Hmm.
And yeah, and she called, that was a while back.
And I'm thankful that she called.
And I actually want to get her on the line right now and check in with Danielle the Virgin and see what's going on.
Because when a virgin calls, you call her back.
I mean, that's schedule one, dude.
Hello.
Hey, Danielle.
Yeah.
Hey, what's up?
This is Theo.
Hey, how are you doing?
I'm doing great.
I'm doing great.
How are you?
I'm doing well.
Yeah, thanks for asking.
Yeah, I saw that you reached out on the hotline and said you wanted your boy to reach out.
So I'm checking in with you, seeing what's going on.
Yeah, so life update.
You can just say Danielle now, not Danielle the Virgin.
So that's pretty cool.
Oh, wow.
So you caught a little bit of it out there, huh?
A little bit, yeah.
Tell me about it.
Yeah, so I joined Tinder.
Okay.
And that's the Ultimate Dick location right there.
Yes, that's where Innocence goes to die.
And so I just matched with this guy and we went out on a date and then we were talking for a little bit and then we went out on a second date.
Okay, hold on.
What made you match with him?
I'm just going to stop.
I want a little more information.
Oh, pretty much his face.
It's very shallow.
That's it.
Yep.
And at this point, are you hunting?
Were you just hunting for, you know, a little bit of that, you know, were you hunting for some straight up just street D?
Were you hunting for some of that strom Thurman?
You know, what are you looking for out there?
Or were you actually, I mean, are you also at the same time swiping thinking, yeah, I could meet somebody to love or somebody to lust?
What are you thinking?
I mean, kind of a little bit of both.
I would like to meet somebody, of course, but also at this point, I was like, let's just get this done, you know?
Yep.
It was my New Year's resolution, too, so that's great.
So, yeah, it was a little bit of both.
And I don't know, he was cute and he was funny over text.
So I was like, I don't know, this is going to work, I feel like.
Okay, so you went on the second date I had interrupted.
You go on?
Yeah, so second date.
And then we made like a wager over a pool game that then led us back to his apartment.
And he was showing me his room.
And then one thing led to another.
And then, yeah.
He was showing you his room like he's a contractor or something?
Well, he was like showing me different, like we had already discussed, I was snooping through his bookshelf.
Well, not snooping, but looking through his bookshelf because we had already discussed some of that.
And then he said something about winning a like wrestling belt or something.
And so I was like, oh, I want to see that just to keep the conversation going.
So he like showed me that too.
He didn't show me much.
It was just kind of like, oh, are you fine with being in the room?
Okay, cool.
Okay, so all those little things.
It was like, oh, look at this.
Look at this little, you know, maybe an ornament, a Christmas ornament or something I made in junior high.
And then he just came up on you.
Now, when he made that first move, did you know, like, like, what was the move he went for?
Did he go for that kiss?
What is he kind of just, you know, what was that move?
Yeah, kind of a kiss and grabbing under the shirt action.
Okay, so he went quickly for the titty.
He went quickly for it.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, so I knew what was going down.
Wow.
And were you ready?
Like, did you go into this evening?
Did he know that you were Danielle the Virgin?
Did he know you were a virgin?
I did tell him before anything happened.
But it was like after the clothes were off, but before anything happened.
So I was like, by the way, before, you know, anything, like, he wasn't going to stop at that point.
So I was like, you know, hey, by the way, this quick fact about me, but let's keep going.
So yeah, that was a little awkward on my part.
Could have worked out the timing a little bit better.
But yeah, it was fine.
And he just, and did he get, I mean, at that point, was he just right in?
Did he come in kind of hot?
How did it take it, take me through that?
No, yeah, it was kind of, honestly, it was a little safe, a little timid a little bit.
And since the first time, there's been other times, and it's definitely gotten a little bit more intense.
But he was like, yeah, I just wasn't sure what you could handle.
And so it's a little bit lacklustric.
Oh, oh, just a little bit.
Wow.
And this is so present-day woman.
It's like you go from virgin to this man is lackluster, all in the same sexual experience.
What can I say?
I've done my research.
Wow.
And had you, like, did he try anything real frisky?
Were you guys trying to get real risque?
And was he touching your anus or anything like that or doing any butt activity?
No, he stayed away from there.
He might be Christian, might be really not Christian, could be either one.
Do you feel like it would have been better used at a different time in your life or you're happy this is when it worked out?
I mean, I definitely would have preferred it a little bit earlier because it was just kind of like, I don't know.
It's just, it's old.
It's old.
It's an old age to be in that sort of predicament.
So I definitely would have liked maybe like in college or something, but I don't know.
It is what it is.
So I'm happy I got it out of the way.
And like the next day, did you feel any different?
Did you think any different?
I could not make eye contact with anybody.
I was like, oh my gosh, my co-workers know what I did last night.
Oh, that's Hester Prynn.
That's that Hester Prynn book.
Scarlet judging me.
Woman.
While your dog was judging you, too.
Did you really feel that?
I mean, not really, but I certainly felt like I just, I was like, people somehow know now.
Like I felt like I, like, they could smell it on me or something.
Look at this little pussy tosser over here, huh?
Look at this lady over here throwing leg around town.
Exactly.
Ruining families.
Yeah, that's a potential.
Now, did you feel a little bit more empowered?
Like when you saw men the next day, did you feel a little bit like...
Boom, I like that.
That's cool.
Yeah, so it definitely is a little bit like a confidence booster for sure to know that like someone likes you in that sort of way.
It's definitely cool.
And yeah, it's a little ego boost.
Yeah, that's awesome.
That sounds really good, you know?
Yeah.
And did he say anything after to like acknowledge the virginity or the loss of virginity?
Did he light a candle?
Did he put on a special episode of television after or anything?
You know what?
played the movie Airplane which was Yeah.
And he's deceased, and so is your virginity.
So I guess there's a theme going on?
Yeah, a couple of stars with the Met, you know?
Yeah, so I was like, that's interesting, but I only stayed for like 10 minutes of it.
Suave move.
Well, that's the new lady movement.
You drop your virginity on a guy and you roll out 10 minutes into the movie.
Yeah, see you later.
I got what I came here for.
I mean, that's wild because in the old days, you would have stayed for the rest of your life and started a family right there in the room.
I know.
I would have like been trapped or something.
Yeah.
Wow.
So Danielle the Virgin, it's a rap.
It's a rap, yeah.
Just Danielle now.
And now when it comes to, because a lot of kids are doing butt sex and all that nowadays, is that like a next goal or something?
Like, how does it, do you start to?
I mean, I'd like to like get a little bit better at just like the regular sex.
Oh, yeah.
I feel like that's a bit advanced.
I'm still like novice level, so but I don't know, you know, you got to have goals and uh you always got to be reaching for something.
So maybe in the future rule it out, but uh I love it.
Well, best of luck to you, and I appreciate uh I appreciate you calling, and I don't know if any of our, did we give any good advice or any suggestions that really helped you or did it, was it just really a time thing?
No, yeah, I mean, it was definitely the just like knowing that it wasn't such a big deal to guys.
I feel like it was one of those things that was kind of holding me back a little bit.
So to hear that no one really cared about it or, you know, would think it's a big deal.
And then just knowing that putting yourself out there isn't, you know, as scary as it would be because guys are just as scared, I guess, in that situation as well.
So that was kind of reassuring and helpful for sure.
Nice.
And how many times have you had sex since then?
I'm counting four total, so I guess three since then.
And any new moves you got under your belt?
I mean, I've learned how to give a blowjob, so that's new.
There you go, boy.
M-A-G-A.
You know what I'm saying?
That's what I'm talking about, because those are illegal out here by me.
In California?
Yeah, I mean, they're not really, but I'm afraid to ask for one.
Oh, well, sure, yeah.
It's scary.
Oh, I drive out to the desert even to jerk off out here.
It's a very tight environment out here.
It's tight.
No, we're still, we're not that advanced in Georgia yet.
It's tight out here.
Yeah.
It's tight in a 25-year-old version.
How old were you?
Yeah, 25. There you go.
And it's a wrap.
So on to the next 25. Good luck getting rid of that butt V. You know, that's out there next coming in for you.
And I hope that your year is filled with a lot of just real joys, you know?
Thank you.
I certainly appreciate it.
Yeah, we'll check in in a couple of months and see how it's going.
Awesome.
I look forward to that.
Thank you so much.
All right.
Bye-bye.
All right.
Bye.
And there you have it right there.
Danielle, the virgin Danielle.
That's what we're going to call her now because she lost it.
You know, she dropped that V off out there to a local Caucasian.
And it's nice to know that, first of all, that a white guy can still get work these days.
So that's nice.
That's a little bit rewarding.
But there she is.
You know, she went through it and that's it.
You know, she took a couple suggestions to heart.
Maybe they maybe hit her in the heart, hit her in that vulva or that uvula or whatever the parts are.
And now it's a wrap, man.
On to the next one, man.
On to the next one.
There you heard it, fellas.
Virginities are good.
Look, they're on the block out there.
So if you out there hunting them, man, get out there and get them.
Because these ladies are getting rid of them.
We got marked down virginities.
We got used.
We got old, new, used.
Everything must go, go, go, go.
Get out here to fat Donnie's virginities.
Wouldn't that be crazy if they had that?
A place that just sold out virginities and gave them out or whatever.
But there you go, man.
Congratulations, Danielle.
Welcome to the world.
Welcome to the world of sweet dick, honey.
I hope you catch a million hot rods over the years.
And it could happen.
Look, people are fucking everywhere right now.
In Africa and some countries, people get AIDS all the time and they still, they don't even care.
They fuck.
That's how much people want to fuck.
That's how much people want to have sex.
You know, there was a famous story about two, they had two, I think they were bears.
And they got stuck on the side of a cliff, hanging on the cliff, right?
Hanging each by a, what is that thing called that comes out of a tree that looks for water?
Hanging each by like a root.
They were each hanging by a separate root on the side of this cliff and they ended up fucking each other.
So that just shows you the power that's out there.
The power that's behind a lot of the cock that's out there roaming.
I mean, there were times I wished that my penis was detachable.
And I would just throw that motherfucker into the distance and hope it landed in some wasse.
You feel me?
Just hope it just, you know, there was just a crotch just, you know, going deep and just Randy Moss and my boss.
You feel me?
Just catching that D I threw.
You know, you just, that's how I remember being so young and just being so horny.
I remember blacking out.
I remember getting so erect, so much blood run into my unit that I would black out unconscious from just having a hard cop.
You know, I'm about 5'11, man, 5'11 and a half.
And they say, if you're about 5'11, 5'11 and a half, then you come with that, you know, you got that short bust dick.
That's what this girl told me the other day.
She goes, oh, you got that short bust dick, that thick and hardy.
You know, you got that Jared Lorenzen.
You got that Chris Berman.
You got that CeeLo Green.
You got that Archie Bunker.
You know, that thick and hardy.
You know, it's more like a, it ain't like a sausage.
It's more like a meatball.
So, and that's how I do come in.
I got that short bus of cock.
You don't know what this thing's up to.
But it's wild, boo-boo.
But anyway, that's it.
Danielle lost it, man.
Danielle lost it.
I'm about to lose it on you guys.
I'm going to tell you where.
March 15th and 16th, I'll be in Spokane.
Actually, March 15th and 16th, I'll be in Tacoma, Washington.
And that's outside of Seattle.
And then March 17th, I'll be in Spokane.
April 20th and 21st, I'll be in Hasbrook Heights, New Jersey at Bananas Comedy Club.
Oxnard dates got moved to July, right after the 4th of July.
And I think that's July 5th through the 6th, 7th, and 8th.
We also got some other dates.
Calgary, I will be in Calgary, and that's June 15th and 16th.
We've got some other ones coming up too.
I'm going to try to find a New York date, trying to get a Chicago in there.
But I just want to let you know that those are some dates.
You can get tickets at theovon.com slash tour, T-O-U-R.
As well, you can grab a This Past Weekend Onward shirt at theovon.com slash store, S-T-O-R-E.
April 6th and 7th, I'll be in Tampa, Florida.
I don't know if I mentioned that to you or not, but I'll be there at the attic at Rock Brothers Brewing, and those tickets are available online as well.
I'm going to tell you now about Starflow.
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A lot of these, you know, apps and this, you get in there and that's all of a sudden your shit's on the black market.
You know, suddenly you got somebody showing up at the house selling you fucking bootleg Diamond Tap.
You know, or selling you fucking secondhand Robotussin.
But Starflow, it's not like that.
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You're not getting baited to a new place just to have your information sold.
That happens a lot.
So you want to see your celebs, you want to see them in a facet where you can trust the template that you're on, go to starflow.com or check out Starflow in the App Store.
We had a divorced dad or soon-to-be-divorced dad message us last week as well saying he's getting a divorce.
It's been eight years.
He has a daughter.
What does he do now?
He mentioned that he was looking forward to getting some new blowjobs or any blowjobs.
And so let's check in.
We had some advice that came in for the newly divorced dad as well.
Here we go.
Hey, what's up, Bill?
This is Paul from the East Bay.
What's up, Pauly from that East Bay?
And my friend got mugged one time in Hayward.
I don't know if you've ever been there in Hayward.
Onward.
Just wanted to chime in real quick on the fellas getting divorced.
Congratulations.
It sounds like, you know, that's kind of what he wanted to do.
I went through something real similar.
Well, not simple, but I went through this exact thing about eight years ago.
Have two children with my ex-wife.
And the best piece of advice that I got was understand that being the best father you can be, your ex-wife is going to benefit from that.
I think a lot of us that get divorced try to be the best that we can be, but kind of lay this gauntlet down of like, you know, we don't want to be nice or give anything to the ex-wife.
Because most of the time, you know, we get divorced because things didn't go the way, you know, we thought they would.
Wow, that's really, Paul.
I appreciate that.
That seems insightful.
You know, he doesn't seem like he's thinking about himself as much.
He's just saying, be the best dad you can be.
And that's actually going to benefit your partner there.
Let's hear a little bit more.
Anyhow, that was one thing.
Just she's going to benefit.
Be cool with that.
Accept that.
Make friends with that.
And just be consistent.
My ex-wife and I were not on good terms for about three, three and a half years, a long time.
She was a complete and utter cunt.
And, you know, see you next Tuesday, baby.
That's what they call them sometimes.
Onward.
You know, just consistency year after year.
And man, honestly, now I could say she's, you know, one of my better friends.
And we have a great co-parenting relationship, which obviously benefits the kids greatly, which I'm sure, you know, this guy wants.
Wow.
You know, that's some selfless suggestion right there.
And that's the thing.
Don't be thinking about you.
Think about the child.
And think about being helpful to your ex-wife because being helpful to your ex-wife is actually in turn being helpful to your child.
Now, hopefully, you don't get one of them ex-wifes that's just out there dragging you through the mud and beating you in the neck with that money stick.
You know, I remember they had this lady that lived by me, and she would go beat up her ex-husband all the time and get his money and steal stuff out of his place, all kinds of stuff, bicycle, vases, canned good, all kinds of stuff.
Take it right out of his place and beat his ass because she was tough.
You know, because she was Polish.
She was 100% Polish.
And they'll fuck you, bruh.
Dude, a buddy of mine, he was fucking this Polish girl and she beat his ass while they were having sex.
And that doesn't even seem like it should be legal, but I don't know.
And who, what if you come during that?
That's got to be the weirdest thing.
What am I talking about today?
Oh, but that's good advice here.
Some good suggestions there.
Let's hear another one.
We got one more call that came in right here.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo.
I just wanted to give you a call, man, and comment on something that you were talking about.
I thought it was really interesting.
You're taking two sides of the spectrum with the marriage one.
That's pretty loaded.
Both guys, in my opinion, are both looking at it the wrong way.
Okay, so he's talking about the marriage and the divorce.
He's saying that both guys are looking at it the wrong way.
Onward?
The common denominator between those two guys is, honestly, they're both selfish as fuck.
You notice the only thing that they're concerned about is I, I, I. I've been together with my baby's mother.
We just had our second child.
And I think the biggest thing that I've been learning along the way is you have to live in the service of other people.
If you're continuing...
More?
To live and try to make yourself the main focus, you'll never be happy.
And I think that's what they're both battling with right now.
Marriage is something that you can't be selfish with, and you have to live in the service of the people.
There you go.
Something you can't be selfish with.
He's saying, you know, that these gentlemen are being selfish.
You know, I'll say this.
From a child's perspective, his comments make me think that from a child, say I'm a child, and you tell me, you know, I start finding out that parents get married and stuff like that.
I'm six or seven or whatever.
And I find out, you know, my parents aren't married.
Does that make me feel a certain way as a child?
It might.
You know, my parents don't live together.
Does that make me feel maybe less than other kids or different than other kids?
It could.
You know, if you're going to ask me, do you want your parents to be married or do you want them to live separate and be happy?
As a kid, I'd be like, I want them to be married.
So in a child's world, everything, it all revolves around them.
And it should.
That's just the way it is.
And if something's wrong, then they see it as something's wrong with them.
So if something's wrong and the parent relationship isn't there, then a lot of times they'll internalize that as, oh, I did something wrong that made this be this way.
I don't deserve to have a dual parent household.
So it's funny.
If you ask a kid, a kid will tell you exactly what they want.
I want you guys to live together.
Now, is that realistic for the parents?
Maybe not.
Probably not a lot of cases.
But it's just interesting.
It's interesting to think that a child would be like, no, I want you to live together.
That's it.
You made me, and you want to be my parents, and that's it.
So we see it differently, of course, because we're the parents.
You know, we're adults.
We're older.
But from a kid's perspective, and I don't blame them.
That's not selfish of a child.
That's exactly probably what they should think.
Oh, man.
Think about what else I want to tell you guys has been going on with me.
What else has been going on?
Not too much, man.
I got almost a day of no smoking.
You know, I had me a couple cigarettes after that wedding last night.
And actually, I only had one cigarette.
And it was a good treat, man.
It was a good treat.
I'm just, just a lot happened this week.
Some of you have those weeks that are just heavy with emotion.
You know, friends getting married.
You know, thinking about maybe getting some pets or something by the house.
You know, a lot of just different thoughts going through my head.
You know, thinking about maybe making myself a fresh meal or something, doing some meals around the house.
You know, and I was in the French Quarter last night and I'm trying to get into the apartment and stuff like that.
And the French Quarter, a great place.
If you want to see somebody get shot or something, or you want to get a good sandwich and watch somebody get cut up or something by a burglar or whatever, you got to go to the French Quarter.
I mean, the French Quarter is a great place, a great place to watch two, you know, thick white dudes fist fight in the street over beads.
It's a great place, usually like around 2.30, kind of like a lot of young brothers, kind of with dreads and stuff will roll through.
Sometimes just clipping people with knives, just hatcheting people.
And this is generalizations, but if you look at NOLA.com, these things super accurate.
You know, it's just a great place to get a couple of fucking, you know, fill your mouth, go by bourbon house, fill your mouth with a good po-boy sandwich, and watch a couple people get stabbed or lose a little bit of blood.
And I remember one time I was in the French quarter and this man, this man came up to me and he was geeking a little bit.
You could see him.
You know, he was up on the dust.
He was up on that dust.
And his neck was moving, but his head and his chest weren't.
And when that's going on, you know, somebody, you know what I'm saying, they got that, their soul is, they got that, they hooked up on them chemicals.
You know, their soul is doing a little bit of, they skeeting somewhere inside of their own universe a little bit.
They losing it.
And he said, hey, man, you know, I'll do a backflip for you.
And, oh, my buddy, he goes, hey, man, give me, you know, $4 or something.
And my buddy's like, nah, nah, nah, man.
And the guy's like, all right, give me $5.
And I have to say, dude, at that point, I laughed.
I loved his approach to business.
But then my buddy's like, look, man, if you can do a backflip, I'll give you $8.
Because my buddy had $8.
So the man's like, all right, all right.
Y'all give me some room.
And we were already not standing real close to this dude because this is not a dude you wanted to stand real close to.
And bruh, this dude, I don't know if you ever seen this dude, this dude swang his arms forward, backward, forward, backward.
And then this guy tried to do a backflip, obviously had never done a backflip in his life.
In his life.
And I've never seen anybody just slam the back of their body into the fucking street.
I just have never seen anything like that.
Like as hard as he could, he just slammed his entire body into the fucking street.
And that was it.
He was definitely not doing well.
He was not doing well.
I mean, he could have had, who knows?
He could have fractured his ribs.
Who knows?
But my buddy gave him the eight bucks and that was that.
So that's pretty beautiful, you know, when you get that.
You know, that's kind of a cheap show.
But the French Quarter has that.
And if you've never been in New Orleans, you know, you want a crab dip, you want a little crime, that's the place to do it.
We got another call that came in right here onto the hotline.
And that hotline is 985-664-9503.
If you're a young man or young lady who's struggling with something and you think that other young men and young women can offer you suggestions, if you have a comment or a thought based on what we've been talking about this week, hit the hotline, 985-664-9503.
As well, I want to thank our charter sponsor, Grey Block Pizza.
We're not finishing up here.
I just want to remember to thank them.
They're at 1811 Pico Boulevard, and they have Bronx Bourne Pizza, and that's up in Bend, Oregon, and that's brand new.
Also, I want to advertise this past weekend we got a box of, I got a box of blue t-shirts made, and these MFers, they're correctional center blue.
That's the only place you would see this color blue is in a correctional center.
I mean, they are, you know, they are Frankie Grande blue.
They're not, they're not, they are wild blue.
And if you hit the hotline, 985-664-9503, and just leave, it has to be 60 seconds or less, okay?
Tell me about your weekend, if it was good or if it was bad, but it has to be the best or worst weekend you've ever had.
And it has to have happened, you know, you want it to have happened recently.
We're going to do this for the whole year.
And once a month, we're going to put the best one on and the worst one on.
And we're going to send you guys some of these correctional center blue this past weekend shirts as a gift for whoever gets them each month.
So you can hit the hotline with that.
That number is 985-664-9503.
Now, if you call every week about your shitty weekend or whatever, don't do that.
Don't be like that, bro.
Don't be a scavenger.
You know, call when you got something real.
Also, if you just a regular person that has a regular job, you drive, you know, you deliver, you know, newspapers like my mother does, or you cut trees like my brother does.
If you a regular person who have a regular job and you listen to this past weekend, hit the hotline sometime and just tell me what you do and that you listen to it.
Tell me what you do.
I just want to know who listens to this show.
I'm trying to find out.
And I know a lot of people out there in the dark arts listen, but I know they got others as well.
Let's take this right here.
We got a call that came in right here.
Here we go.
Hey there, this is Vince from Maui, Hawaii.
Ooh, Vince, that freaking, that Pied Piper of Pineapple hitting the airwaves here from Hawaii.
Aloha, boy.
More.
I was just wondering, I'm an MMA fighter.
I know you've been commenting on a lot of MMA fights recently with the Mike Perry deal.
Yeah, Mike Perry and Max Payne Griffin.
And that's only about the maybe fourth or fifth fight I've ever seen.
And people have been asking me about that, about the MMA fights.
And I'll comment on it sometimes.
You know, I don't want to overstep into a territory that I don't know much about.
But I am a new fan.
You know, I'm a little bit scared sometimes to be a fan because they got a lot of violence.
I don't know if you've ever seen a fight or not, but it's fighting.
It's people fighting.
It's people beating each other.
And sometimes they know each other and sometimes they don't.
And it is violence.
They got some real adult violence.
And they got women too that cornrow their hair and beat each other.
And it's something else, man.
So sometimes I can't stomach at all, but I'm going to try to comment on some more fights here and there when I can.
And so I appreciate you checking in about that.
But I want to hear what you're saying here.
You're a part-time MMA fighter sometimes, and you're from Hawaii.
Let's hear more, Vince.
And with that mass tripping fight, but yeah, I don't know.
I've been training for a while now.
It's been about two years.
And I actually, I tore my ACL, so I'm out for like nine months, and I'm pretty not feeling too good about that.
I've been getting into the dark arts, but I was just wondering if you had anything that ever set your career back.
Yeah, I know stand-up comedy has its ups and downs, but I was just wondering if you had anything that set you back to a point where you never thought you'd eat the end of it, but.
You know, have I had something like that that set my career back?
You know, I'll tell you this.
I'll tell you about two instances that kind of just pop into my head, and I don't know if they relate 100%, but they do, you know, they do come to mind.
I, when I was, let me see, when I was, when I just kind of just started comedy, I was at a party in the Hollywood Hills.
I had a manager out here, and I think this gentleman, he might have ended up being possible a homosexual man.
And that's fine.
Whatever, dude.
You know?
You know, if the world's ending, bro, a lot of people are going to be fucking each other.
But this man was my friend.
And he took me to a party.
And at this party was Robert Downey Jr.'s.
And Robert Downey Jr.'s, he was not popular at all in Los Angeles at the time.
He was not doing well.
It was probably 15 years ago.
We saw him at a pool.
And I remember at the party, everybody making fun of him.
He just gotten busted for something.
Like, I don't know if it was picking up a prostitute or, and look, I'm just guessing.
I don't know what he, but he got in control for something pretty bad, drugs, something.
Bad as far, you know, even though Hollywood's full of fucking lecherous weirdos.
And that's why I'm not watching the movie awards tonight.
I don't give a fuck who wins half this shit, but I'll tell you who've been winning it.
Dunkirk, boy.
Dunkirk.
A movie about men helping each other out.
Wartimes.
An actual real-ass movie.
The only movie.
Dunkirk.
Not this fake ass sugar shit that's out there.
Trying to force politics.
That means nothing.
Come on.
Make a movie.
If you're making movies, how about this?
I don't know.
Make a movie.
I want entertainment.
That's what I want.
You know why I turn on entertainment?
For entertainment.
Not to be subtextually preached at by some, you know, in some bullshit fashion.
You know, not for you to secretly try and tell me that you think I'm a racist or that you're smarter than me or that you're better than me because you have more money.
I don't need any of that shit.
I don't want that when I want to watch a movie.
I want entertainment.
And if you look around in the movies this year and you want to see which one was the most entertaining, Dunkirk, boy.
Gang, gang.
Anyway, what were we talking about?
Fuck, I don't even know, man.
I know I'm listening to this call.
Oh, Vince, MMA Fighter.
Oh, so you had Robert Downey Jr. was at this party.
And guess what?
People were making fun of him.
Everybody's like, oh shit, that guy, what a loser.
People are saying, what a loser.
And this was like the first celebrity I'd seen in Los Angeles, you know, so I'm what, you know, I'm excited about anything.
I'm just excited to have a fucking night, a clean shirt on.
And I was up in the Hollywood Hills, and everybody's making fun of him and shit.
Now, fast forward six, seven years, I'm at this event for Kirk Douglas.
I'm speaking at it, and I thought it was a roast.
I thought they said, roast.
We want you to roast Kirk Douglas.
And they actually said, host.
We want you to host this event about Kirk Douglas.
Kirk Douglas is like 90 years old.
He just had a couple strokes.
They were giving him a Lifetime Achievement Award.
He could barely even say the alphabet.
He said, you know, like, and I'm out there, I get up there and I start roasting him, making fun of him.
The whole place, I mean, this is at Beverly, this is like at a fancy hotel.
Everybody's like, what the fuck?
Bro, I am sweating.
My spine is sweating.
Like, my spine is, like, my spine is like, I'm out of here.
I am drowning in my own inner fucking boil from fear.
And I can't even feel myself talking anymore.
It's like I'm hiding inside of myself scared and my face and body are telling jokes.
And I'm just making fun of Michael Douglas or Kirk Douglas.
Sorry, Kirk Douglas.
And fast forward, I get off stage.
It's not a good scene.
I walk backstage and I'm like, Jesus Christ, that was the worst experience.
I mean, Sally Field is there.
Everybody's there.
And Robert Downey Jr. is standing backstage.
And he, you know, and now he's he's Iron Man and he's the most popular guy in the room.
And I was like, man, that was really tough.
And he goes, hey, man, you know what?
He said, in 10 years, nobody will remember this.
And I looked at him, I said, well, yeah, I said, you would know.
And I respect it.
You know, I've told this story before, but it just meant it's like, you know, yeah, you take it.
But if he'd have asked me that day, if right now, do I think I'd be, you know, doing well at comedy and working hard and coming up and battling through these ranks, even though they don't want to give it to me?
They don't want to give it to some poor white kid because that goes against everything they ever thought out here.
No, if you're poor and white, you're just supposed to be racist.
You're just supposed to be ignorant.
You're just supposed to be untraveled.
You're just supposed to not, you know.
No, dreams are only for, you know, people of, you got to have some skin tone.
It's got to fit the commercial.
Fuck them.
Fuck them, bruh.
So that's what I'm saying, dude, is I'm in this.
I'm in this thing.
And I didn't, and there were, and if you'd have asked me when I walked back behind that stage, I'd have been, you know, and I was looking at Robert Downey Jr.
I was, man, I felt horrible.
I felt like I would never work again in this town.
I went back home, ate a bunch of pills, and watched the first season of House of Cards.
I think, or I could have watched that show House.
I don't remember which one it was, dude.
I ate a lot of pills, bro.
But I was devastated.
I thought about leaving town because I just had a room of 700 people in Hollywood.
I mean, this thing was huge, huge.
I had no idea it was going to be like this.
And here I am telling the, you know.
But here, but now, but that's not the story today.
Now I'm taking these meetings and these people coming at me with ideas and they come in to see what daddy's doing.
So what I'm saying is, if you know, you're in a tough spot now, don't think that the future can't be different.
You could change it, man.
Hard work, perseverance.
Open your eyes, move your legs, man.
Dude, if you're an MMA fighter, I know you have it.
You have that physical side already mapped in.
It's mapped into your system, I bet.
So you just keep the physical side going and you'll be fine, man.
I promise you.
I bet you if you don't give up on that MMA and that jiu-jitsu, even if you don't do it professionally to keep fighting, don't give up on it as a source in your life.
A lot of people have reached out to me recently and said, man, you should get into this shit because it helps you learn patience.
It helps you learn practicality.
Man, and I watch these men and they are gladiators.
They are warriors.
And I used to not like them fighting.
I used to not like that.
You know, I grew up in a violent area with no protection and I felt scared.
You know, when I saw those fights, it reminded me some of that, I guess.
You know, and it made me feel scared.
But, so there's a couple of instances in there that can relate to what you're talking about, and here what they are.
I didn't give up, and I'm still doing this shit.
And I'm still, you know, I'm not going to give up.
And Robert Downey Jr., when I saw him, he had been, I mean, I mean, at this part, people were making fun of him.
He was at a shitty party.
If I was there, it wasn't a good party, Jack.
And then fast forward seven years and he's fucking Iron Man.
Okay, a man that is based off of one of the periodic elements.
So you just hold the line, man.
Stay the line.
And that's what's going on, man.
We're here in the new studio.
It's been good.
It's been fun.
And it's been good fun.
And look, I'm excited.
And I'm going to be here.
We'll be here this week.
Things are going to start to happen.
Thank you, everybody.
Thank you for calling in.
Thank you, Stevie Starlight, for kicking us off strong.
We got this.
You know what?
I'll tell you this.
I didn't come this far to stay where I am.
I didn't.
And if you need something to get in your heart and be a word or two, and you take a little bit of that.
And I'm not preaching at you, man, I'm working with you, man.
If you're struggling, you're in a moment of struggle.
You're not alone, man.
You are not alone.
Because I'll tell you who you got.
You have yourself.
You have yourself, man.
And you did not come this far to stay where you're at.
Be good to yourself, man.
You probably deserve it.
Thank you to everyone for the support.
I'm in a new studio today.
If you'd have asked me a year ago if I thought I could be here, I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
But here I am.
And here you are.
We're here.
We did it, man.
We made it.
We made this, boy.
Fighter and the kid, that's what they get.
You don't give me a belt.
You don't give me a mug?
These motherfuckers say guests of the year.
And they ain't give me a dang little hat or a, you know, a scarf or anything.
A shirt pin.
And they saying guests of the year.
Not a stick or nothing.
And they cheat, you know, and you know they cheap skating.
Because Brendan Schaub over there wearing $70 socks.
You know, Brian Callan over there doing Test 100.
And Deka.
And others, probably other Roys from the 1980s.
And they saying they ain't got the cash to get daddy a little belt.
I don't believe that.
You guys hit the hotline if you need me, man.
And it's 985-664-9503.
Danielle, thank you so much for calling in.
Thank you to Geo and those who responded to Gio.
Thank you to the new divorced dad and those who responded to him with some ideas.
I'm happy to be here.
And let's take it out with my boy, Stevie Starlight.
And let's take it out.
Amen.
It could be higher than the mountain.
Set me free, just don't stand by the destination.
Fantasy Painted on the wall Tell them, Stevie It's never too late To come over Time slips away From you and
me now So don't hesitate To come over That's Stevie's starlight Why must we wait When we're alive Take my time Take my time Chances come along.
Valentine, nothing could go wrong.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sweetheart.
Easy to you.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jar mine.
Hi, I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
Oh, no!
No!
I think Tom Hanks just buttiled me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is.
Tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is.
Tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule.
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