Longwinded caller shares story about Denny's. Virginity guidance. Link to Denny's FB: https://www.facebook.com/theo.von/videos/10158237016215150/ Patreon Support: https://www.patreon.com/theovon GUNT ME LIKE A HURRICANE: Matthew Snow Renee Nicol Ryan Wolfe Angelo Raygun Carla Huffman Robyn Tatu Beau Adams Yoga Max Bowden Shawn-Leigh henry Roar Hanasand Laura Williams Not Even Wrong Xela Person Open Mind 101 Deanna Smith Mona McCune Suzanne O'Reilly Rashelle Raymond Chad Saltzman James Bown Brian Szilagyi Monica Hynes Matt Eckenrode Arielle Nicole Greg H Dave Engelman Dylan Clune Calvin Doyle Robert Doucette Jacob Ortega Jesse Witham Andrea Gagliani Scott Swain William Morris Qie Jenkins Aaron Jones Jon Ross Kevin Best Haley Brown Ned Arick Milo J Garcia Lauren Cribb Ty Oliver Tom in Rural NC Christian from Bakersfield Brian Martinez Matthew Holland Charley Dunham Casey RobertsSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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So take your tits off and throw them down the street, player.
This ain't time to be breastfeeding one another.
We got work to do.
hear that That's Jesse Lucero with that dirty, barbaric beat right there.
That's Jesse Lucero here on Thursday, January 4th.
I got that in my inbox.
I want to thank Jesse Lucero.
Jesse also played the Aunt Lang Syne from the New Year's episode last week on Monday.
And I forgot to mention that Jesse did that.
And Jesse could be a man or a woman.
I believe that Jesse is a man.
But that's me, you know, jumping to crotch clusions, if you will, because I don't know.
You don't really know.
I'm from an area where they had a lot of people had names that were, it could be anything.
A lot of people named after weather.
Stormy.
Stormy.
Hail.
Dusty.
You know, Dusty is not really a weather, but it's just more of like a dirt condition.
You know?
Skimpy.
That's just really like some of this cheap.
But yeah, I grew up in that belt where they had a lot of names.
A lot of people named different things.
You know?
Rodolfo.
They had a boy by us named Rodolfo.
And they used to call him Dolphy.
And kids honestly used to beat him up a lot.
We had people that had his boy named Tot by us, T-O-T, and I've talked about him before.
And he was, you know, he had a little bit of the affliction kind of.
He was one of God's favorites, really.
He was half angel, half person, had a hit of that tism.
And he used to, he would have to stand on a blanket all the time.
He was afraid to be outside of a blanket.
And so Tot, Tot had an easy name.
He was, you know, granted an easy name so it'd be easy for him to spell.
You know, hard to forget, Tot, T-O-T.
Same thing, backward forward.
That's Tot.
But that's Jesse Lucera one more time.
And this is that music if you're like a little, maybe if you're like a gay guy getting chased by like a barbarian, you know?
But then the gay guy morphs into like a 19 like a 1990s metal rocker unicorn with long hair and just fucking attacks the barbarian.
And then they end up banging probably and moving to a sanctuary city, you know?
Good to be here with you guys.
Welcome to This Past Thursday.
Man, I'm fired up.
I'm going to tell you right out of the gate that I have some upcoming dates.
January 5th, that's coming up ASAP.
I'll be in Santa Clarita on Main Street at Comedy Mashup.
You can Google that and find those tickets.
11th through the 14th, I'll be at the Brea Improv of January.
January 18th through 20th, the new comedy club in Jacksonville, Florida.
February 16th through 18th, La Jolla, California.
February 22nd through the 24th, Indio, California at Phantasy Springs Casino.
And April 6th and 7th in Tampa at Rock Brothers.
Brewing.
Oh, good to be here with you guys, you know?
That's how I'm feeling today.
I'm feeling, you know, I'm feeling good.
We did a little bit of yoga yesterday.
And I like yoga, man.
I like yoga until the teacher, the teacher in ours is like this really acrobatic, homoerotic gentleman.
And he might be gay, might not be gay.
We might all be gay.
You know what I'm saying?
A special hit of lightning hits the earth and it might shake everybody's shells up a little.
And next thing you know, you out there blowing the neighbor for powdered milk.
You know?
The dicky-dicky dust bowl is only a couple of, you know, lightning strikes away.
We don't know what the future holds.
But I know that this gentleman was being homoerotic in there.
And we were in there in the yoga studio.
And he, you know, it's a good class until the end of the class is basically just him doing tricks.
And it's like all this stuff that you can't do.
And he's stretching.
And he's got his asshole wrapped around his shoulders.
And he's just, you know, he's wearing his earlobes as a fucking, you know, as he's got his earlobes tied around each one of his nuts.
And it's just, you know, he's in these poses that you can't duplicate.
He's at another level.
And that's when I don't like it because then it's just about him.
It's like at that point, he's just, you know, he's tricked us all into stretching for 40 minutes so that he can have a crowd to be around him.
So that's, you know, that's when it's a little wild for me.
But I did that.
I felt a little bit better.
You know, I hit an AA meeting last night.
You know, I needed that.
I needed that hit.
And I'll probably go to one.
I'll go to one tomorrow morning.
I might go again tonight because, you know, I'm out there.
I'm out there in those staying dry streets right now.
I want to get to a call.
This is going to be our first.
This is a special episode because this is the first live call that we've ever done.
I'm thankful to Corey.
He just came on board to help us out.
And he's like a little bit of that.
He got that Wizard of Oz in him a little bit.
He's out there in these electric streets.
He knows what's going on with electricity and how to manage it and digital video management.
He's like a peep and Tom, but he's not doing the work.
He's making these cameras do the work.
So he's like a second, he's like an overseer of these little electric peep and timers that we got out here from Canon and Panasonic.
And thank you to the Patreoners for helping us get a new camera and get things rocking and get things rolling.
But we got our first call, and this is a gentleman that called in on the Monday episode.
He called in.
There's a part in one of my comedy, in my comedy special on Netflix where I talk about shooting up a Denny's.
I'm going to play that for you right now.
Y'all got Denny's here?
Fuck Denny's, bro.
Fuck Denny's, man.
I wish people would quit shooting up movie theaters and shoot up a fucking Denny's, okay?
Now that part is in my comedy special, right?
And then we got this call from him on the hotline.
And this was a call that came in right here.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo, my wife and I were watching your special on Netflix last week, and we both almost had heart attacks when you started talking about shooting up a Dennis because when I was 19, I went to jail for shooting up a Dennis.
It's a story I'd love to tell you.
Wow.
That's the dark arts right there, boy.
And we're going to call him right now.
This is going to be our first live call, and we're going to hear the story.
So I'm excited.
I hope you guys are.
I'm grateful that we came this far because to me, this is a big deal.
You know, you're talking to a man who, if a camera doesn't work, I'll get some color pencils and take a sketch pad with me.
You know, I'll stay old-fashioned if I have to.
You know, I'll send a homing pigeon out there.
Hell, I'll send a nightingale, you know, with a little bit of graffiti on his leg.
You know, I'm okay with going old-fashioned.
So to be this high-tech right now and be doing this, man, I'm keyed up.
Well, I'm hopped up, boy.
This is a digital cocaine right here.
Here we go.
It's ringing.
Hello.
Fuck Denny's, man.
I wish people would quit shooting up movie theaters and shoot up a fucking Denny's, okay?
Hey, brother, it's Theo.
Hey, buddy.
How's it going, man?
It's good.
How are you?
Good to hear from you.
Yeah, well, look, it's good to hear from you, you know.
Assuming that, obviously, your release date, you know, we got your call on the hotline, and I appreciate you calling.
I appreciate you listening to the podcast.
Always, man.
Big fan.
Big fan.
Well, thank you very much.
Yeah, you said you and your wife were checking out the Netflix and saw the bit about Denny's.
And if you don't mind, will you just take us from there?
Yeah, yeah.
We were watching the Netflix special and got to that point.
And, man, we just looked at each other and almost fell over because it brought me back.
And, you know, when I'll just tell you from the beginning.
So you were part of shooting up at Denny's.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's cool, man.
I mean, it's unfortunate, but it's, I mean, it's, I mean, it's dark to be laughing at this, but this is the dark arts.
And sometimes the dark arts brings people together, you know?
Sometimes it brings people together, you know?
And we are together.
We are.
Yeah.
We are.
And I'm nervous.
And look, I'm excited.
This is my first caller that we've ever had in on this past weekend.
Well, certainly nervous about that.
Geez, man.
I don't think you could tell us a more heartwarming story, though, you know, because sometimes people got to pop off at a Denny's, you know, we've all wanted to.
So tell me what happened, man.
Okay, well, let me just start from the beginning.
When I was 14 years old, I had my sister, who was like a couple years older than I am, she had a boyfriend who was in the military.
And again, she was 16 years old.
Oh, so he was older.
Much older.
Wow.
I never really knew how old he was, but he was in the military.
And, you know, he only hung around with her for about a year or so.
Were they in love, do you think, if you look back on it?
No, no.
Well, she might have been.
So your sister's dating this fella?
She's dating this fella.
I'm 14 years old, maybe 13. I'm not exactly sure.
You're just a sapling out there, and you're young, too, man.
You're probably coming into your own at that age a little bit.
No, that was a long, long way away before I was ever coming in my own.
Are you still a novice?
You still out there tadpoling.
You heavy polling out there?
Most certainly.
Yeah.
I've been out there, man.
Yeah, I was a late bloomer for sure.
Yeah.
And this guy, I'll call Rambo because he, to me at the time, he was a badass.
He was Rambo.
He didn't wear the eye black.
He wore the eye black under his eyes and stuff at dinner like that kind of deal?
No, no eye black.
Yeah, because I can't imagine.
Because I'm picturing a dude like, you know, elbow crawling across your living room, you know, to try and spend time with your sister.
And then out of nowhere, he just disappears.
And, you know, my life goes on.
And, you know, I'm sad for a while, but things go on and things change.
But here comes 19 years old.
Adam's 19 years old.
And I don't remember how he came back into my life, but he did.
And ends up hanging out with me and my friends.
And at this point, I have been kicked out of my home, my bedroom at my mom's house.
Okay, so you out there squirreling.
You squirreling a little bit in your life.
You're kind of, you just growing up.
You're growing up.
Yeah, I'm trying to figure it out.
Yeah.
I'm trying to figure it out, trying to figure things out.
The key figures in the story are myself, Rambo, and my buddy, Too Dark Mark.
Too Dark Mark.
Too Dark Mark.
And I'm guessing he wasn't.
Was he in the BP oil spill, or are we talking about a brother?
A brother.
He's certainly a brother.
He's certainly a great fella.
And I can't, you know, I can't say too much great things about him.
He's an awesome dude.
And too dark, you just mean he just has dark, dark skin?
Dark, dark skin.
Can't see him.
Can't see him.
Yeah, a secret.
Yeah.
They can't keep a secret.
Oh, yeah.
A real super black person can keep a secret, you know?
Yeah.
And that's tough because we're all on the spectrum.
Some people are almost see-through and you can see their veins.
You can see their heartbeat a little bit.
Sometimes they'll eat lunch and you can almost see it kind of going under their skin a little bit.
And then you have the other end of the spectrum where people are so dark, you know, they usually end up being soccer players, I feel like, in Britain.
But that's just.
That's my evaluation.
But yes, onward, take us more.
Yeah.
Rambo, New Dark Mark, and myself, we're hanging out, and we decide that we want to go play pool.
Well, they too decide that they want to go play pool one night.
And you're tagging along.
Yeah, I don't necessarily want to go, but Rambo intimidates me into going.
Yeah.
Right?
I don't want to go because I've already got the feeling he just came back from Desert Storm.
Oh, yeah.
Then you go.
Yeah.
Yeah.
This is before PTSD when people, you didn't even know what they were.
It was just wild.
Right.
And they came back.
Yeah.
If that person asked you to do something who just came back from service, you always did.
It didn't matter.
Right.
You always did it.
And so I went.
You know, we're going to go play pool.
I begrudgingly agree.
And we drive to, we get in Mark's, or to Dark Mark's car, and we go to Rambo's house to pick up the pool cues.
But, you know, when we get there, and I have no idea that when we get there, that they pick up the pool cues.
Not only do they pick up the pool cues, but they also pick up a couple of handguns.
Ooh, boy, a couple heaters, huh?
Yes.
Nice, bro.
Yeah, a couple of freaking hand rockets, dude.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
They pick them up.
They didn't tell me.
Because I'm in the backseat.
Nobody tells the backseat guy.
Uh-uh.
Nobody tells the backseat guys anything.
No, in a drive-by, usually the backseat guys, the guy that's with the look on his face like, what the fuck's going on?
Exactly.
Yeah.
Okay.
So you guys cruise off.
You got the pieces.
You're going to play pool.
Right.
We're driving down the street.
We drive past Denny's and I see my girl who is a friend.
And I'm saying that because my wife is in the other room and I want to make sure she knows that nothing ever happened.
Understood.
And my car is there at Denny's.
And we decide to stop.
Of course, you see your car somewhere.
You're going to stop.
Yeah, of course.
I'm hungry.
We're going to hang out.
We're going to eat a little bit.
We stop.
We pull over.
We stop.
And we eat a little bit.
We hang out.
We talk.
And by this point, it's two or three o'clock in the morning.
And we're done.
We decide we're going to leave.
I'm fat, full, and sleepy.
They still want to go play pool.
Oh, yeah.
We never go play pool, but we're pulling out.
Before I know it, Two Dark Mark and Rambo are leaning out the car, shooting the signs and the windows and the glass with the guns that they never told me that they had pulled out.
Right.
So they just start popping off at this Denny's.
They start popping the Denny's off and just lighting the place up.
Wow.
And you're telling me that you didn't know a dude named Rambo and Too Dark Mark would shoot up a Denny's?
I didn't know that they were going to be doing it right then at the same time.
I thought they had gone it out of their system in the military.
Wow.
Well, we don't have enough.
They should put more Denny's out there in the desert.
So then you guys take off.
So now you're...
But, you know, one thing I didn't say earlier was that earlier in the day, Rambo had been wearing the stupid leather fedora that looked like something out of Indiana Jones.
Not even worn and dusty or anything, just brand new off the shelf at Fears.
Damn.
And where is this?
What area of the country is this in?
This is Dallas, Texas.
Oh, hell yeah, boy.
Pop, pop.
Now, are people running when they're shooting?
Like, are people running and scared or what's going on?
I don't know.
I don't remember.
I have no idea.
Yeah.
Because I'm caught up in the fact that these fools are shooting.
I'm 19 years old.
I'm scared shitless.
Are you excited?
Now, you said you're scared.
I could get that 100%.
After they pull the guns in the car, is there a little bit of excitement?
Maybe there's a little bit of, yeah, I'm a badass.
Maybe a tiny bit of that.
Yeah, yeah.
I could imagine that.
Yeah, maybe a little bit.
Yeah.
I mean, this is.
This is before that video game.
What's a video game that everybody plays?
Grand Theft Auto.
Yeah, this is before that.
This is real live Grand Theft Auto at Denny's.
Wow.
Man, that's amazing, man.
And so he's got this stupid hat on, and he's leaning out the window at the same time driving both of them.
The car's moving forward.
They're shooting.
Wind catches the fucking hat, right?
Oh, yeah.
Wind hates hats.
Wind hates hats, especially large brim hats.
It catches, it lifts, it causes a lift and it raises the car up a little bit and raises his head up and off his head, and it flies off, and he starts yelling, go back for the hat, go back for the hat.
And I'm yelling, no, don't go back for the hat.
Don't go back for the hat.
If anybody knows anything about anything, they know that at 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning at Denny's, there's police there.
Yeah, this is the most French ending to a Rambo movie ever.
There's a shooting, and you go back for the most homoerotic hat ever, a Fedora.
A Fedora, dude.
There is nothing more.
That is so French, bro.
So how does it end, man?
Tell us how it ends.
Okay, so it ends by, well, there's still a little bit left.
Okay.
I'm saying don't go back.
He's saying go back.
Too dark, Mark stops the car, puts it in reverse, goes back.
I realize I have no choice but to get out and get the fucking hat.
I open the door.
I see the hat.
I reach my hand out, pull it up, grab it, pull it up, bring it in the hat, and I sit back up only to see police lights everywhere.
Wow.
And before I knew it, there was a boot and a shotgun in the back of my head and neck.
Wow.
I was on the floor, on the ground, and what were they saying?
Were they nice or not nice?
Oh, no, they were not nice.
They were, you know, certainly shouting expletives and get the fuck on the ground and, you know, taking advantage of their positions in the world.
Those badge balls.
They had badge balls, huh?
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
And were they using, were they, now did you notice, because it sounds like you and Rambo were white or Caucasian, and that two dark mark seems like he might have been a little more urban.
Was there any favoritism there?
No, or it seemed just even across the board?
No, because we lived in, you know, we lived in the ghetto.
Right.
You know, and I know you know.
Yeah.
Yeah, this is what I'm saying.
Everybody's a piece of shit over there, yeah.
Everybody's a piece of shit.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Wow.
So you guys shot him with nothing dennies.
Yeah.
Anybody die?
Anybody get hurt?
No.
You know, I never heard.
Yeah.
I don't think so.
Yeah.
And the fucked up thing about it was my girlfriend was in there.
And these fools still did it.
Dang, dude.
That's so Ray Carruth, bro.
That sounds like that.
God, that's such a, you shot up a dennis with your girlfriend in it, man.
That's love, bro.
In some places, that is true love.
You know, that's true romance.
It's like if you let something go and it comes back to you, then it's meant to be.
I think that is the definition of that.
Right.
Okay, so I go to jail.
They arrest me.
And them being in the military, their commanding officers, they call them and immediately they're snatched up out of there and out of the jails in no time.
They spend maybe an hour in jail, right?
Wow.
Of course, and I'm terrified in jail.
And this is the, I go straight downtown Dallas and it is Uncle Lou.
It's like what, a lot of like, you know, people that were like train robbers and stuff like that type of people or thugs?
Thugs.
I mean, nothing but thugs.
Do you have to watch anybody take a shit in there?
Like if you're in there, is there one toilet or what's that like?
Yeah.
Yeah, it was a stainless steel toilet.
Stainless steel toilet with what do you do?
Were you afraid to use the bathroom?
I don't think I shat or pissed once.
Yeah, I would cough it up if I had to.
There's no way I would sit down.
No, for 24 hours, I didn't shit or piss or eat or anything.
Oh, I would cough all the shit in my body right up out of my face because there's no way that I would sit down or turn my back on a group of people with my penis in my hand and in a place like that.
That is crazy.
No.
So when you were sitting in there, what's going through your head?
Just fear?
Fear.
I'm fucking cold as shit because they keep it, you know, 37 degrees in there.
Oh, yeah.
Maybe.
And all the cold hearts in there, too.
The cold hearts.
Everybody's an asshole.
Everybody's got an attitude.
But I'll tell you what, I did meet this one dude who had one leg.
And I'm not shitting you.
He had one leg, and he had been arrested for, well, he came home.
Him and his wife had come home and they had locked themselves out of their house.
So they began to break into their house because it was late.
They wanted to get home and they were tired.
It's their house.
It's their home.
They break into the house and, you know, it's late.
They've probably been drinking.
They get in and they start, you know, doing the nasty.
Sex, you mean?
Sex.
Oh, I didn't know if they were fucking wiping boogers on each other, dude.
You know, there's a lot of different definitions of the nasty out there.
We used to try to hide sugar packets in each other's ass, dude.
And it was like wrestling.
If you could get one of those pink saccharine packets into somebody's ass, you won.
Try hiding a Hershey's kiss in somebody's ass while you're sleeping next to them.
Damn, boy.
Damn, boy.
That's the attic.
Take the foil off.
Yeah, exactly.
Take the foil off and tuck it up in there.
See how they wake up in the morning.
Take the foil off.
Come on, man.
You've changed, man.
You've changed.
Take the foil off.
Okay, so dude gets arrested.
The neighbors call on him being too loud, and they Think somebody's breaking into the house next door.
Police come, and he's got one leg.
He's having sex with his wife, and he's arrested with a bottle of KY in one hand and a dildo in the other.
Hardy.
And that's how he shows up to the jail.
Oh, that's all I remember, really.
I don't remember anything else except for that dude.
That's silverware in Palm Springs, bro.
That's San Francisco silverware, dude.
A dildo and a bottle of KY, son.
That's all that is, man.
That's a cutlery set.
Ah, wow.
Well, man, it's just remarkable, man.
I appreciate you so much for calling.
And now you have a wife, you said.
I have a wife and three children.
Three girls.
That's beautiful, man.
And you guys still live there in Texas?
Yes, sir.
That's awesome, man.
I love Texas.
My favorite state to perform in.
I can't wait for you to come back down here.
Yeah, let me know, man.
Well, look, I'm not going to ride separately to the show, but I'd love to get you.
We'll let you anywhere near my wife.
Okay, that's fair, bro.
And I've already warded her.
I've already warned her.
I won't let you anywhere near a gun if I bring one, okay?
Hey, man.
I carry my own now these days.
These are mine and legal.
That's what I'm saying.
Well, look, because here's the crazy part.
If there's people like you as a child out there, as an adult, you have to be prepared, you know?
Exactly.
Exactly.
That's exactly what I'm saying.
I got to protect my girls from people like me.
Yeah.
Dude, that's exactly.
I don't have children yet, but that's exactly, I'm sure, what goes through a lot of dads' heads, you know?
Of course.
Of course.
Well, Adam, we appreciate it so much, man.
This is awesome.
It's been a great first call.
This is like a milestone kind of for the podcast.
I hope I came through for you.
You did.
100%.
It's just a good practice just to talk to somebody for the first time and have it be such a thing that, you know, I just was talking about something and you had actually lived it out.
Oh, yeah.
You have no idea how nervous I was, man.
Dude, me too.
Me too, 100%.
So we were both nervous.
We got it done together, man.
I appreciate you.
Beautiful, buddy.
All right.
God bless you and take care.
Same here.
And if you hear that I'm coming to town, just drop me a text on the hotline and I'll get you guys some tickets.
You'll be my guest for sure.
Beautiful, man.
Thank you.
All right.
Happy New Year to you and your family, bro.
All right, man.
You too.
Take care.
All right, peace.
Bye-bye.
Wow.
And there you heard it right there.
And you know what's wild?
And thank you so much, Adam, for calling in.
And what's even wilder is on my Facebook page, on my Facebook page, there is a, there's a clip of this Denny's.
And the Denny's bit is just about I hated going to Denny's.
It was an early comedy bit of mine.
It's one that I didn't do on the road last year, but I still love it.
I just haven't done it in a long time.
And, you know, I played a little bit for you a second ago, but somebody posted on my Facebook page, my dad actually got shot to death at a Denny's because somebody ran in with guns and shot it up.
And I'm reading this and I'm like, holy shit, man, this is horrible.
He goes, but I still love this comedy bit.
That's what he said.
And then he posted a link to the news story that happened when I believe his father got killed at a Denny's.
So R.I.P to his father, you know, this is kind of like, kind of cornered myself into a weird spot here.
But, you know, you just never know.
You know, here's something tragic that happened to that man, that happened to that boy's father.
But then years later, he sees it online and is able to laugh a little bit.
So I know that's not the way that some people want to laugh, but I'm glad that it worked out that way for that young man.
I'm glad Adam didn't go to jail because he got some beautiful family now.
And that's just a word out there that we can all recover from, you know, something heavy.
Something hitchy, you can recover.
You know, three years ago, my brother's house burned down.
They got hit by lightning.
You know, they got hit by dang lightning.
And you can do a lot of stuff in your life.
You can learn to read.
You can learn to swim.
You can learn to dance.
You can graduate college.
You can graduate high school.
You can get a GED.
None of that.
You can own a business.
None of that shit.
You can't stop getting hit by lightning.
Sometime life's going to throw you those curve lightnings, you know?
And you got to bounce back, whatever it is.
And this man, Adam, that called in, shot up a dang Denis, you know, and now he's back.
He's back.
He has a family and he's living life.
And we appreciate him being the first caller on this past weekend for this past Thursday episode.
Oh, man, it was a slow call, though.
At some points, I'm like, damn, am I still paying attention to this story?
But maybe I wasn't asking some of the right questions.
You know, we learn as we go.
We learn as we go.
We want to thank our charter sponsor, Gray Block Pizza, you know, because them cats is out there doing it right.
We got a couple of calls that came in.
We had a young lady that called who is still a virgin, Danielle, the 25-year-old virgin.
And, you know, sometimes she's worried, does that affect her, you know, ability to have, you know, how will guys look at it?
We got some calls about that because that thing can get a little ripe.
You know, that thing can get a little bit ripe.
You know, first it's a peach, and then after a couple years, it's more of an apricot.
And then you're just running around with just a bag of raisins between your legs.
So sometimes you have to figure that out.
But I appreciate you calling in, Danielle.
We're going to get to that advice here in just a second.
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So that's it.
We got the, Denny, we got the first call out of the way.
That's exciting.
In the future, if you need help with something, if you're struggling, you know, it could be with anything.
Smoking, buying a home, drugs, you know, you got ashy skin, menthol, peanut butter.
It could be anything, whatever your issue is.
If you need basic life suggestions, if there's something that I can help with, hit the hotline, 985-664-9503.
We had some great calls that come in, and one of those was Danielle the Virgin from last week.
And I'm sorry to just call you that, Danielle, if you're listening this week on Thursday today.
That probably makes you feel a little bit awkward, you know, because I know there's more, a lot more to you than just that, you know, just that locked up little garage, you know, than just that locked up little sweat locker, you know.
I know that there's a lot more to you, but what you called about was that virgin hunt, you know?
What you called about was that spicy little V card.
And that's what we want to talk about.
So some people called in with advice for you.
She's 25. She wanted to know if it affects the way that men look at her, think about her, or any suggestions.
Here we go.
This is Rob.
Hey, Theo, this is Rob from Massachusetts calling in with my two cents on your caller who is a virgin that called in.
She has a couple of options here.
One of them is, you know, she's got to go up there and put herself out there.
I remember a time when I was in college with all my friends out at the bars drinking.
I would have loved, you know, someone walked up to me and said, hey, let's go do this.
I'm a virgin.
You wouldn't have thought twice.
That's true.
That sounds like a drink special right there.
I mean, you could, let me tell you this.
If you set up a deal with a local bar, Danielle, and just to pick a man, I'm not saying to sell your body or anything like that.
I'm not trying to be, you know, degrading to you.
I'm just piggybacking off of Rob's idea because Rob obviously has issues that he's offering this up.
I'm joking, Rob.
But the fact that, yeah, if you set up with a bar, said, hey, look, I'm a virgin.
Let's have meet a virgin night.
Woo-hoo!
And you took 50% of the door, now we're talking, you're making $1,500 a weekend and you still have your virginity, depending upon how the night goes and what you're into.
Let's hear more, Rob.
I think that maybe she's overestimating people's apprehension to that.
You know, a few drinks and people are going to do what they're looking to do when they go to bars if she's willing to go out to those types of settings.
Other option, if she's not looking for the one-night stand type thing, is put yourself out there in a relationship.
And if you connect with somebody and you end up sharing with them that you're a virgin, they should be happy for you.
They should be happy to share that experience with you.
And if they're not and they think that it's off-putting, then maybe you shouldn't be with that person.
There you go.
That's two other beautiful little slices of information cake there from Rob.
So, you know, fill your sweet tongue up with that.
With that freaking pastry right there, boy, Rob, dropping them sweet pastries into Danielle's ear holes.
Because that's the only thing you can, that's the only holes you can fill on her right now.
Boom, boom.
Bad joke.
But that's it, Danielle.
It's like, you know, you could, you know, make it a promotional type of thing at a bar if you're trying to make it exciting.
You could, you know, if it's religious-based, then, you know, just keep following your heart there, you know, and talk to, you know, someone you trust in the religious realm if you need that, or talk to other friends who have the same beliefs and the same level of beliefs that you do, the same practices that you do.
And I'm sure they can give you guidance.
If you, I mean, you said it's not because you haven't wanted to, but because men hadn't really, you know, tried to get that from you.
Hadn't tried to get that dug dug out of you, you know?
Hadn't trying to freaking hunt down that little, you know, that slick-mouth lobstock trap, you know?
And if that's the case, then yeah, it might just be meeting the right guy.
You know, you could track somebody down, and if you really wanted to, you could tell them that you're ready to serve that thing up, and somebody would.
But it can be dangerous to a man.
It can be nerve-wracking, you know.
Maybe you could make a special night out of it.
Invite a guy over to a nice hotel room, do it your way.
You know, that Burger Kang, that Burger Kang virginita.
But young men will do anything.
That was a good point, Rob.
May young men will do anything.
I mean, I remember I used to go party out with some people and every night I would pee all over this guy, this guy Christopher, who's in prison now.
And his day, we would take his dad's car out, and his dad had sunglasses in the back, and I would urinate all.
They were samples.
His dad sold sunglasses to people around the region.
He was in that regional optical game.
And I would, you know, I'd take a couple hits of weed and I would urinate all over the glasses in the back of this guy's van.
I mean, and we'd go to parties.
I wouldn't even go to the party.
I would literally stay in the van drinking alcohol and peeing on these boxes of glasses.
And the only reason I would do it was because the rest of the week, I wanted to be at school or wherever and picture in My mind, a man trying to sell just pee-pee glasses to people, you know, just trying to sell piss specs to people out there, people trying them on, you know, them getting a little bit stuck to people's hair and stuff like that.
Like, that's the dark arts was in me.
You know, that's the dark arts that infected my ability to think.
And, you know, and it was making me behave that way.
And that's what I wanted to do, though.
So instead of enjoying the party in the present moment, I would choose to stay in a van and urinate on sale samples just because of the joy it would bring me the rest of the week, picturing people trying on Oakley's, you know, that smell a little bit too strong of vitamin B12, you know.
But anyhow, that just goes to say young men will do anything.
Here's another call from Zach for you, Danielle.
Here we go.
Theo, what's going on, man?
Zach calling from Omaha, Nebraska.
I wanted to call and give my opinion to sweet, sweet Danielle, who you put on there, the 25-year-old virgin.
She left out a lot of information, too.
What I would say is that if she's going to lose her virginity to a guy that's like 25, you know, her age or older, there's probably going to be some consideration there, at least at first.
And then, like you said, though, these guys are going to be thinking about this.
It's going to be turning them on.
They're going to want to be that first ride.
The first one to dig her out, dude.
Yeah, bro.
I hear you, dude.
You're making me freaking feel squirrely by saying dig her out right there, but we'll keep listening.
I mean, I don't mean to sound, you know, crude or whatever toward her.
You definitely do.
I mean, you sound like a dang grave digger, dude.
Dig her out.
I mean, dang, man.
She in a coffin hole, bro.
You know, I'm just giving you a hard time.
Let's hear more, but it was a little bit crude onward.
She's a virgin.
I just, I don't know.
If she's not full of shit, then I think that she shouldn't worry at all.
There you go.
I mean, that's the thing.
There's been a billion virginities in the world.
People have gotten rid of them in different places.
And, you know, I mean, I know it's important to you.
You know, it's not going to probably change the shape of the universe too much, but it will be something you'll remember.
You know, I mean, I remember, you know, my lost my virginity behind a bowling alley, you know, and people were throwing rocks at me the whole time while I was trying to have sex.
And that's very, you know, that's very Middle Eastern, if you will.
And it's hard to keep an erection up with that kind of stuff going on.
And so, you know, we all have a memory.
We all have something that happens.
I was in Charleston, South Carolina, and I made love to some gal, and it was her first time, you know, and I still think sometimes about her.
You know, she had, you know, she was a pretty girl.
She had curly hair.
Sometimes I still think about her.
You know, I'm wondering where she's at.
If she ever thinks about, you know, that moment in time, you know, that I was the first experience.
And it probably wasn't even that good either.
But that's the thing.
If there's dudes that aren't good at sex, this is a great opportunity for them.
All right, let's move along.
Here we go.
This was Matt called in on 1221.
He had a food addiction.
We gave some, you know, some suggestions to him last episode.
And then he called back.
This was Matt's call that just came in on the hotline.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo.
This is Matt from Cleveland.
Fat Matt, as you so eloquently put it.
And, you know, I listened back to that, Matt, and I want to apologize for calling you Fat Matt.
It just, I was just trying to make a point that we all have some name.
You know, we all have, you know, blind Ryan, you know, or Deaf Jeff, if you're deaf, and if your name's Jeff.
And if you're even saying that to Jeff, he fucking doesn't care, you know, or, you know, Bent Clint, you know, if somebody that has scoliosis and their name's Clint.
We actually had a boy named Clint in our class and people called him Clintaurus.
You know, so everybody has something with their name.
So I just, that was the correlation I was trying to make.
I was actually trying to relate to you.
I think I did it in a bad way by calling you Fat Matt.
Here we go.
Appreciate you taking some calls for me.
I did not like being called a pussy ass bitch, but you know, sometimes you do need to hear that.
So, yeah.
Yeah, I'm sorry about that part.
You know, I was just, you know, it was the new year.
I was feeling fired up.
And, you know, some of the calls, I mean, you know, I have an assistant now that's helping put these through.
So I hear them for the first time.
And I thought that that was out of line.
But then sometimes we got to hear that shit.
Sometimes we don't want to hear the truth out here in the world.
And, you know, and I know it's not my job to decide what the truth is for you, but I was just giving you the different options that came in.
Let's hear more, Matt.
I'm going to start walking like the guy suggested.
Try to get into some plain water.
Do my thing.
Now that plain water, you set yourself up there by saying you didn't like plain water.
Dude, you got to have water.
Because the earth is 98% water, dude.
So you can't be associated with something that you're not willing to take into yourself.
So you need to get out there and get that H2O in you, brother.
More.
I don't think I sound fat, by the way.
I agree.
You don't sound fat at all, dude.
You sound trim, you know.
And we all have something, dude.
You know, I got a, you know, I have the base, I have the foundation, the hip structure of a Down syndrome child.
And that's not bad.
It doesn't make them bad people.
It doesn't make me a bad person.
You know, you might be bigger now and you might be smaller later.
You know, I was real skinny growing up and everybody called me Mexican all the time because I had tan skin because people were idiots.
Let's hear more.
I think it sounds sick.
Here, regardless, I appreciate it.
Yeah, I'm going to check in on a few months and let you know how everything's going.
You know, getting into some plain water and some getting hungry instead of crap.
There we go.
That's plain water mat, baby.
That's plain water mat right there.
And look, man, I love it.
If you want to send a picture in, you can text it into the hotline number 985-664-9503, Matt.
And yeah, we'll check in with you, man.
We'll check in.
I'm trying to get back into some physical fitness myself.
So you saying that right there inspires me to say, look, if I can sit here and put on a hotline that some guy, you know, talking about some man that needs to lose weight, at least that I can do is get out there and go for a run for myself and help my own veins and arteries feel a little bit better.
So I wish you well, and we'll check Back in with you, Matt.
All right, let's keep the calls moving here.
We got another couple of calls that came in, but first, I want to read this to you guys.
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All right, we got a call right here.
I want to crack into this one.
Here we go.
Yo, what's good, Theo?
This is Jackson Southern, you know, North Kackawacky.
Jackson, thanks for calling, man, from North Carolina.
I'm calling because I got right now on the 29th of December, I have five months sober.
And, I mean, I've been getting hot since I was like, I mean, hot on pills.
I started smoking at 11. Like, I started getting hot at 14. Hey, man, congratulations on five months.
And if that was December 29th, then you are tomorrow or in two days, you'll be at five months in a week.
So congratulations, man.
I know that's a real battle.
Onward.
Started using a needle, 17. You know, I lost my best friend and I got my first taste of real sobriety in no longer than a week or so this past year.
And like I said, I'll be five months in the 29th.
Man, that's awesome, man.
Man, that scares me.
Just to hear you say that using a needle, that's scary, bro.
You know, I can't, you know, I never had that experience.
So I don't know what that's like, but I know what it's like to want to do things to yourself that are harmful, but they feel good.
You know, I know what that's like.
I know what it's like to harm yourself, but it feels good.
To make yourself feel good at all.
You know, and I don't know if that makes 100% of sense, but in my mind and in my heart it does, that I know what it's like to, you know, to do bad things to yourself.
Yeah, just to be in that hole where the way that you, you know, because you're in a world for me anyway, you know, I just didn't care about myself enough to do good things to myself because I just, somewhere inside of me, felt like I didn't deserve those things.
So, but yeah, man, that scares me when I see that.
I mean, those, you know, when I see those intervention shows and I see people with that supply, I just can't watch that stuff because of that.
But I appreciate you being brave enough to tell us about that onward.
Yeah, basically, man, I don't know.
Life just gets boring as fuck.
It's like, I don't know what to do now.
Like, drugs always fill my fun time.
And I know going back to them ain't going to make shit fun at all.
I know I just find it easy to fall into this hole.
I found this girl.
I know they say not to get in a relationship, but I think I'm in love.
I don't know if I'm feeling the void of that.
I don't know.
But the thing is, she's long distance, man, and I'm crazy over her.
It's hard to make it work living across the country right now.
But, I mean, I'd rather have her than any girl that I could have here.
But it's like I had a hard time trusting, and I'm real jealous, I'm real needy.
And it's just, I don't know if it's controlling me.
I don't know if it's part of my addiction.
I don't know.
I don't know, man.
It's so funny when you say, I don't know, man.
You sound like me.
You sound like me sometimes.
It's almost like hearing myself in certain relationships and certain conversations I've been in with people, you know, especially with girls.
Look, man, I'm proud of you.
You know, I think 12-step programs, I don't care if you don't have anything going on in your life, we can all always find ways to make our life healthier.
And it's amazing, man.
It's amazing what can happen in there.
Now, that long distance, dude, I'll tell you this.
Even in my past year, I felt like I met a girl and at times put that in front of getting a good foundation in my sobriety and stuff like that.
So, you know, I use some of that term loosely, my sobriety.
I mean, everybody has their own walk with it.
You know, I don't know if I'll always be this way.
You know, I don't know.
But for now, I just know that I didn't lay the groundwork as well as I should have.
And so then when relationships get tough, I don't have a foundation to fall back on.
And so that's scary.
So it's okay, I feel like if you want to put a girl up with your, you know, with the work you're doing, but you got to do that work, man.
And I'm saying that because I need to hear it.
Because, you know, I've been in this thing a year and a half and I'm still having gone all the way through the steps.
So just be Careful, you know, be careful because it seemed like you can still be learning how to live and you don't have all the tools.
And then you take on a responsibility like love, and that can be a big responsibility for somebody that doesn't have arms yet.
Keep your head up, man.
I love you, bro.
I'm proud of you.
You calling and me hearing that from you.
It made me feel alive, which is crazy because that's probably something that the drugs used to do for you.
But now, it's like the drug that I think a lot of these programs get you hooked on is just the heaviness of other people's lives and the realities of other people's lives.
And anyhow, happy to be on board with you, bud.
Happy to have you on the show, and thank you very much for calling.
What else?
We got a couple of other things that happened, but I'm going to shut it down for today, guys.
This has been a good episode, I feel like.
We'll be back on Monday.
What else?
We got the dates.
We let all those out.
Gray block pizza, as always.
They had somebody hit up Greyblock and comment on their Yelp page that they heard about them here.
And that was awesome, man.
That made me feel really, really cool.
They got that salad pizza, bro.
They got it all.
But that's it, man.
We'll catch you guys next time.
Matt, you know, I appreciate your call.
Zach, thank you for calling in for the advice.
Rob, all the advice for Danielle.
That Denny's, that shoot-em-up bang-bang boy.
That pop-pop breakfast, dude.
That syrup has a fucking sulfury aftertaste, doesn't it?
Because that's that gun play.
That's that gun play out in the lot, boo-boo.
So you stay active, man.
You stay active.
That's what we're doing out here.
That's what we doing out here in this world.
Thank you guys for being a part of this.
That's Jesse Lucero taking us out.
Thank you, Corey, for being here today to guide us.
Thank you, Patreon, for taking us to that next level here.
We got some nice cameras looking clean.
We got the new hotline.
We're going to be able to talk to people.
And what can happen?
What can happen?
Anything can happen.
We're working together out here in this new year.
Also, if you've got a New Year's resolution that you've been keeping on that's heavy with you, that's a real one.
Some real shit, let us know.
That's a Jesse Lucero right there.
Thank you for that hit, Jesse.
We'll see you guys next time.
Be good to yourselves.
You probably deserve it.
Okay.
Okay.
Cool.
I wonder if that call was interesting from the guy.
We didn't catch the first 10. It was interesting.
Wow.
Wow.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
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Easy to you.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jamain.
Hi, I'll take a quarter potter with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
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