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June 12, 2025 - InfoWars Special Reports
01:02:12
The Night Comedy Died: Alex Jones Opens for Doug Stanhope in Austin, TX 2004-08-13
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Alright, everybody.
Here's the deal.
We have a very, very special guest.
He's going to come out here.
He's going to talk to you.
Then he's going to bring up Dougie.
I am a huge fan of his.
It's an honor to bring him up here.
Please keep it going.
For the lord of conspiracy, Alex Jones, everybody!
I feel sorry for you.
I mean, you came out here to have a good time and to hear some great comics.
I believe it, you've heard of them.
That last guy was absolutely amazing.
Doug's great, too.
No, but seriously, I'm not a comedian.
And I've heard a lot of stuff about Iraq, and I've heard some other comments about politics.
Let's just go over some basic stuff here for a minute, okay?
This is not a drill!
This is some serious shit!
Alright?
I've got the film clip of Eisenhower back in 1958 calling Fidel Castro the Abraham Lincoln of the Caribbean.
Maybe he is.
But my point is, they put that motherfucker in power.
They put him in there.
But it's not just him.
It's everybody.
It's Ho Chi Minh.
It's Mao Zedong.
It's Manuel Noriega.
It's Osama Bin Laden.
It's Saddam Hussein.
It's the Shah.
They build them up, they knock them down, and I watch them stick our troops in these meat grinders.
And it's all admitted, you know, I'm the weirdo who sits there and watches C-SPAN documentaries where they've got the 85-year-old CIA section chief, you know, who back in 1901, Of course, I already knew that, but now these bastards are admitting it.
Mao Zedong killed 50 million people!
And they want to sit around and tell me about Saddam Hussein for some war for $4 trillion in oil?
Oh, we wouldn't do that over oil.
We're just the big badasses in the 100-story buildings.
They don't run the nuclear weapons.
They don't own your private prisons that they're going to stick you and your family in as soon as they find you doing something wrong, some bullshit law they created.
So this is the reality.
And I have to sit here and watch them setting this up, setting up a living hell for all of us.
The boys running this country, and I mean Mr. Kerry and his cousin George W. Bush, His coffin made its skull and bones.
These guys are the ones who put the Hitlers and the Stalins in.
They're the people that create the crises to offer you the solutions.
And somebody said 1984, and it's true.
That's what it's all about.
The war is against the people.
The war is against the people.
But going back to Saddam, I'm going to bring Doug up here, because that's who you came to see.
And they asked me to come up here, so I did it.
Take your time!
No, but the point here is, the point here is, is that David Degenerate Rockefeller, David Rockefeller, you might want to find out who he is.
He really doesn't like you.
He wants to put cancer viruses in your back seats.
He really wants to kill you.
The point is, he's a sicko.
He's a mouthist.
He's a social Darwinist.
He wants to kill 80% of you.
He says it in major publications, but he knows you don't read them, so he laughs at you.
No, but David Rockefeller, when Mao died in 76, he was in the New York Times and said, oh, Mao is so wonderful, Mao is so great, does such a great job, what a wonderful person.
That's how arrogant these people are.
But let's take Saddam Hussein.
Admitted fact, 1954, young 18-year-old guy, they hire him, CIA, takes him to Egypt, trains him how to kill people.
Train's going to blow stuff up, shoot people.
They send him into Iraq.
Oh, he kills hundreds.
Hundreds.
Takes over.
And then by 1969, they tell the Ba 'ath government, we'll have Saddam stop killing all of you and put him in as the head of security.
Kind of like they're about to put Porter Goss in as the head of our security, our new Gestapo.
And then in 1979, they put him in as the president and they say, sick him!
Sick him!
Get him!
Admittedly, attack!
Iran!
Kill!
Kill!
And he kills 1,300,000 of the damn Iranians.
And then, a few years later, they tell him, go ahead and invade Kuwait now.
While the ambassador, April Gillespie, sits there on a chair with him.
He goes, I don't think you should invade immediately.
It's even on film.
And he rolls in, follows orders.
And I watched that guy two years ago sitting there all freaked out by this cat going, I've been set up.
It's on the air TV.
I was ordered to do all of this.
He's finally admitting all this.
Would you never hear about that in America?
So do I like Saddam Hussein?
Hell no, I hate this guy, this hit man they created.
But it's the same thing with all these people.
Noriega, all of them.
It's a joke.
They've got to have somebody to bomb so they go out and create the boogeyman and have them do some mischief.
It's just incredible.
And, you know, growing up, young man, you can be president.
Any young lady can be president.
We can all be president.
It's a free country.
Is that why you've got 15 members of Skull and Bones each year out of 290 million people?
15 members each year.
And we can't even have two presidential candidates that aren't from that group?
Hey, you're blowing my buzz.
Hey, see, this guy says I'm blowing his buzz.
See there?
See there?
Hey, see, they asked me to come up here.
See, he wants to, I told you.
Ladies and gentlemen, don't stand up.
Hey, what do you say to him?
What do you say to him?
You guys want him?
Hang on, he's about to do the tit-fuck joke.
Exactly.
Shut up!
This is for me, asshole.
Alright, no seriously, they asked me to come up here.
Thank you, dog.
And that's why I was going to say I left out.
He may be a degenerate atheist.
But my God, he's a hell of a lot better than the Christian Coalition.
Hey, did you see the New York Post two weeks ago?
Now, I've already broken in there and proven all this, but it said, top gay porn stars servicing Republican leaders of the Bohemian Grove.
You want to know where the FBI needs to be investigating people, it's over there.
But that's my point, is it's totally hypocritical.
The whole thing's a giant scam.
You know, I forgot this guy in the stratosphere who wants to go back to Kansas.
You're not in Kansas anymore.
I forgot where I was at when he interrupted me.
As I was closing down.
As I was completing my bombardment of the gray matter.
What was it?
Yeah, was that what I was talking about?
Alright.
What?
What were you talking about?
What did I call you?
I called you a big fucking pussy.
That's what I called you, bruiser.
Bam!
Bam!
You're a big badass!
You don't want to hear the truth because you're a little coward.
You can't handle the truth.
You don't want to hear about 50 million people.
You want to sit there?
Hey, I'll be sitting right there.
That's right, you little weasel.
I called you a little punk.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's a coward right there, folks.
That's a coward.
That's a punk bitch.
I was saying no.
Hey, you want to be slaves?
Don't worry.
There's seven million of you in prisons now.
They're building more.
And when you're in it, crying for somebody to help you?
Why?
Why am I?
Yeah, no, no, no.
You'll be asking why the five-bed guys got you bent over the table, and you'll be wishing you weren't a slave, punk, because you weren't man enough to face the new world order.
That's right.
You're a punk.
Don't stand up, ladies and gentlemen.
I'll be sitting right there, punk.
You can swing first and see what happens.
It'll be on video.
Right.
Yeah.
Alex Jones, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
We'll be part of the new world order.
We'll be building the present.
If you want to...
Watch some Alex Jones Sober with a lot less bombast, and you can actually think.
Watch it on 9-11 Road to Tyranny, or just see the remake, Fahrenheit 9-11.
That was bullshit!
That was five minutes of my life!
You know what?
I worked at Home Depot 60 hours and I had an hour and a half to make up for all of it and he took five minutes a day.
So I'm going to get angry and start a fight in the comedy club.
Maybe you shouldn't be working at Home Depot all week.
Maybe five minutes.
And it shouldn't really be that.
I didn't like that.
What?
What didn't you like?
I didn't get it.
He was just loud.
I don't understand.
None of that really fucking fed into the headline from the USA Today that I read that kept me up on the news.
Are you angry at me, Hardy?
Come on.
I got 15 minutes I can do up here.
I'm not an agent.
Atheist?
I just admit I don't know, Alex.
You don't have any fucking idea.
I mean, you might go into the Bohemian Grove with a hidden camera to find out about skull and bones and all that shit, but you don't have any fucking insight on Jesus.
There's no hidden papers out there, Alex.
I know the real deal on Jesus.
You're still talking.
What are you angry about?
Wait, so is there two people fighting?
I can't see.
Be friendly.
Oh, we are saved.
What?
Hold on.
Hang on.
Let her talk.
Okay, ma 'am.
Go ahead.
What about Iraq?
Come on.
A little chaos is fun.
Everybody does it?
Chaos is good.
I mean, I have some bits, and I'll do material out for you, but no one ever needs a fist fight to watch the band.
Ma 'am, your voice is important.
That's why you are allowed to log on.
Go on to CNN.com.
So let's hear your voice.
Go ahead.
What about Iraq?
How about our boys are over there fighting?
Our boys are over there.
No, no, no, no.
Let her finish.
Come on.
She's not a radio personality that can be succinct in sound bites.
She's a person that...
What about them?
I have a son in there.
You have a son in Iraq?
Okay.
So what about him?
Why is he there?
Why did he join the military?
What made him join the military?
How old was he when he joined the military?
Well, maybe you should have said, "Hey honey, why don't you wait till you're smart enough to make this decision?" I'm not saying it's a bad thing.
I support the troops.
Listen to me.
I support the troops on an individual basis, and everyone's in there for a different reason.
If I met your son, and he's a cool troop, and he's not a douchebag at the end of the night, just wants to fight because he didn't understand something, and someone yelled, and just can't...
I don't know your son.
We'll talk after the show and maybe you can give me more insight.
Some troops are shitheads.
Let's get that out of the way.
If I meet your son, he's cool.
I'll put his name on the yellow ribbon.
Fucking PFC fucking Juan Suarez or whatever, I'm assuming.
Whatever.
If he's cool, I'll support him no matter what he does.
You can go fucking AWOL.
There is something you can do that will make my son in the world.
He's the best there is.
And he's breathing depleted uranium.
Do you see?
This is the problem with trying to communicate from different ends of the spectrum.
I'm sure your son is fighting for our freedom over there.
Because if it weren't for him, we'd all be speaking Iraqi right now.
But I think we should take a moment and reflect.
All right, Alex.
Alex, what are you?
Alex is starting to play in the front row.
Oh.
This could be great.
All right, let me finish my...
Alright, let's get back to the troops, alright?
Alex, let me handle this!
Come on now!
I don't even know what the fights are bringing to the audience.
I would deal with each and every one of them.
Private discussion groups.
The point is, yeah, some troops join the military because they get fucked.
This is the deal.
I like war.
War is good because it clears out some assholes.
Some troops are assholes.
Would you agree, sir?
Yes.
I'm in Killeen, Texas.
I'm working at fucking Ernie's Pub in 1994, and I come out of the fucking restroom, and this is just one example, and I knock over some shithead troop's fucking piss-worn beer, and it was an accident, and he wanted to fucking...
They get fucking the arms swinging on the forearms forward.
I'll sit in.
You want to fucking go, faggy?
You want to fucking go?
I did not support that troop during the war, ma 'am.
I hope he's not stationed with your son because that guy's a fucking asshole.
He's not fighting for your freedom.
He's fighting because he's a psychopath that can't wait to kill people.
And that's good, but that's your instinct.
Your instinct is your only true God.
Follow it and go kill people.
That's why I'm pro-war.
As long as there's no draft.
As long as it's voluntary.
They're not yanking kids out of the inner city and making them fight a war.
What choice do they have?
What choice?
Oh, they fucking joined the military because they need college money.
You know what?
There's other ways to get college money.
That kid's an idiot and college wasn't going to help.
You can suck a dick.
You can steal some car radios.
Rob a pallet of shit off that frickin' fork truck at Home Depot.
Sell it out of a van on a highway off-ramp.
Swing around the brass pole a few times, Jessica Lynch.
You'll have plenty of college money and never leave West Virginia.
Lindy England, you're doing all those frickin' Abu Ghraib frickin' atrocities.
Shut up!
What?
Yes!
No, no, get it out!
Get it out!
Yes, get angry and fucking...
What?
I'm not angry either.
I'm having a great time.
I'm saying you're angry.
Everyone's yelling at everyone.
For what?
For what?
Because you have opinions?
Go ahead.
Hang on.
And this is it.
Then I'm going to have to go on to the show.
Okay, go ahead.
Quick, quick, quick.
It was racist?
No, she's Mexican.
Squares is a regular last name.
Usually I say Johnson if it's a white guy.
I'm implying?
No, I was talking about her son, which would be Mexican, so I used a Mexican last name.
Is that racist?
Ma 'am, you're anti-comic.
Please sit down.
Please take your seat.
We're asking nicely.
Not everybody can be a brilliant stand-up comic, including yourself.
This isn't crossfire!
This is the problem.
Everyone wants to be angry about shit.
This country is...
That's why people log on to CNN.com and they have a fucking...
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
They answer polls.
Every day in the fucking USA Today you can find a poll about something.
There was one yesterday.
This was on if you're a fucking lowlife like me who's got nothing to do with your day but sit around hungover and watch eight hours of Fox News and CNN.
CNN did yesterday.
What is your opinion?
What do you think the likelihood is of a terrorist attack at the Olympic Games in Greece?
There was 6% said it was very likely.
44% said somewhat likely.
33% not very likely.
13% Said not likely at all.
That's 99%.
It's a fucking pie chart.
Pie chart.
99% of the people had an opinion.
The only answer to that question is, I don't fucking know.
Why would I know?
But everyone's got a very strong opinion with no fucking actual knowledge to go with it.
99% should be a whole pizza pie chart of I don't fucking know.
That shows you 99% of Americans will give you a strong opinion even though they have no fucking clue whatsoever.
They just want to be mad, and they want to fill out comment cards, and that's a racist thing.
No, it's what I'm talking about.
They're letting you finish.
Or as long as there's no draft.
War isn't bad because it clears out some of the assholes like that peanut head in fucking Killeen, Texas that wanted to hammer my head in.
He's not fighting for your freedom.
He's fighting because he found a way he could go kill people without getting any jail time.
He could get a pat on the back.
Some people join the military for that reason because they just want to fucking kill.
Fuck yeah, I want an enemy.
I want to fucking kill.
I want my opinion.
And war is good for that reason.
As long as we can make it voluntary, military should be voluntary like any other job where you can quit at any time.
That way, fucking dumb kids who are 17 that don't know any better can just quit.
You really have to sell a war if military is just like pay less shoes and you go, fuck it, I don't want to work here anymore.
Then you have to sell a war if you don't own them like slaves.
And you know what?
And then we get the people who just want to...
You do settle more, man.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Let's just go with it.
The point is war is good because as long as people who kind of want to go kill other people are going to kill other people who kind of want to kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up some pretty important parking spaces that we desperately need.
Because people who kind of want to kill other people are the last people that I want to party with because I get mouthy when I drink.
It fucking clears out some of the dead weight.
Fight over Antarctica.
We call it Manifest Destiny, but we'll do it on 12-man teams, on a paintball field with real weapons, and we'll put it on pay-per-view so it can generate its own revenue, and you can sell jerseys, yeah.
Fucking Johnson!
Private Johnson!
A very white private in my scenario.
He's a really good one of AK-47.
Get him off the bench, man.
He should be a winner, man.
Word's all stupid.
Terrorism bad.
And Saddam had weapons of mass destruction.
That's against the rules.
What rules?
It's a fucking war.
fight it or get out, faggot.
Yeah.
And out before the fuck you get upset.
I faggot is not, I don't use that with any homosexual...
I'll do it with two fingers and my eyes closed, just to prove I'm in no offense.
It's not a homosexual word, but it's a really powerful word and I hate to lose it.
You know, just faggot, faggot, faggot.
It's got some strength.
It's like cunt, you know.
Cunt is way better if you use it on a guy.
Dude, you're a fucking cunt, you know?
It's like calling a redneck a nigger.
I get confused.
There ain't no rules to a war.
Unless it's a game.
Unless we're doing it on paintball fields and it's got rules.
And you can have your Geneva Convention.
If it's an actual war, there's no rules.
There's rules to boxing.
Ain't no rules to a fucking street fight.
Right?
There's a difference.
If it's a game, we'll have rules.
We have a Geneva Convention.
If you don't have rules, why not make it like Scrabble?
No one gets killed.
They can't hurt people.
How's that for a Geneva Convention?
That's a battle of wits.
It's Jeopardy.
Alright.
Do we have a Geneva?
Isn't it sick?
We have rules for war?
A guy sat down at one point going, we're going to kill each other by the hundreds of thousands, not ourselves, just poor people's children.
We're going to do that.
Why don't we do it?
Let's make up some rules and make it civilized.
Can you hit him in the face with a garden rake?
Okay, okay.
Hit him in the face with a garden rake.
What about, what if you mace the guy?
No, that's chemical weapons.
That fight like a fairy.
No chemical weapons.
What are we, so nation of gurneys?
Right?
Does that make sense?
What?
Midgets?
That's how I heard is midgets.
See?
See friendly heckling, finally.
Don't get all that said.
And it's good to let some steam off, because again, you did spend five days.
Working at something that you don't like.
And I know you have some anger about that, but that's not us.
Fucking go in Monday morning and quit doing that.
You don't have to be a funny fan of God.
You can do something else.
Fucking work five days to enjoy two.
I don't know if you gamble, but them shit odds.
Five days to enjoy two.
Three and a half should be your match and at least fucking break even, right?
That's good in Vegas.
Even a shit Indian casino that hell-bent on revenge against a white man still pays 80% on their slots, but you're getting two out of seven and happy about it.
I love that fucking blue-collar mentality.
Oh, we're a hard-working blue-collar people.
Do you enjoy it?
Fucking hate every second I'm alive, but I'm proud that I'm a hard-working male.
You build shit you can't afford for people you hate.
And if you're the guy who does find a way out of the grind, they vilify you.
They go, look at that guy.
He ain't never done one fucking hard day's work in his life.
Learn from him.
He's a genius.
Buy him a drink and a hot tip.
Them Mexicans is coming up and stealing our jobs.
Give it to them.
They left an open bedroom in Mexico.
It's really nice down there.
You vacationed there, right?
Don't be around there for a while.
Mexico wants your job.
Give it to them.
Say, yeah, I work at fucking Cellular One.
We're fucking low on car charges.
You start Saturday.
I'll be at your plane.
Bye.
Person exchange program.
I don't want to work.
Work is bad.
I make, uh, if you, like, build, uh, what?
Cars.
Build a car, you shouldn't get $24 plus benefits to build a car.
If you build a car, you should get a car.
What?
Oh, thank you, sir.
Say sorry.
I yelled at Alex Jones.
Alex, hey, I'm sorry.
I yelled back.
But it got your fucking bander up and that's good.
Thank you.
You come to a live show and you just get the shit you saw on Last Comic Standing, only you're closer.
What the fuck is that?
You want a little bit of chaos.
That's why you want to win the war on drugs?
I'll tell you how you have to do it.
You have to attack the source.
No, no, I'm talking about attacking the source of the drug problem, which is not the growers and the suppliers.
It's the people who are responsible for making life so absolutely...
Whoever's responsible for TGI Fridays and Ashton Kutcher and Last Comic Standing and PT Cruisers and Eight Simple Rules for raping my stepchild and roughing the passer penalty.
And Vin Diesel and whoever made it so fucking dull that you're working five to enjoy two.
I love that blue collar rhetoric.
People who talk about prison like it's a good thing.
Right?
You know the guy, the They got fucking three square meals brought to them.
They got cable television.
That sounds a pretty good goddamn deal if you ask me.
That's because you're a fucking loser.
You've never thought past fucking cable TV and a frozen dinner for a life.
Maybe that's what we should sentence prisoners to is your cruel and unusual lifestyle.
Maybe that, for the egregious crime of assault and battery, I sentenced you to 15 to 25 years swing shift at the United Parcels Service.
No, but you're older!
Don't you be in contempt of my court, son, or I will give you two children with crooked teeth to boot.
I will give you two children.
The whole prison system is so fucked and people like, they talk about Abu Ghraib, like that's a bad thing.
How about you get a fucking few Polaroids down on your regular fucking...
Huntsville here?
What's here?
Yeah.
Like, prison's good.
Like, prison's helping.
Well, that boy, he stole my car stereo.
I've been sending him to jail for six months.
He'll learn a lesson.
You give him fucking six months in prison.
Oh, yeah, he'll learn a lesson.
Is that going to help us?
Yeah.
What's the first lesson?
How to make some fucking bad bathtub gin and a vat of warm fucking water with orange rinds and fucking...
making scream who's got the ugly pussy while he pisses all over him.
What lesson is he learning?
Is that working for you, revenge head?
Abu Ghraib, that fucking prison abuse over there pales.
They just have pictures of it.
Abu Ghraib, I'm not saying it's fucking good.
Is Lindy England hot to anybody?
Come on, a little bit of...
Now they're court-martialing her, and that makes it even harder to get a girl to fucking strap electrodes to your genitals while you're standing in a box and masturbating your fucking limp lunch in front of the camera.
Yeah.
Bad hecklers.
Get a writer.
I don't mind your heckle, just make it funny or...
Attack the stage like that girl I need a little fuckin' Because last night I was wide awake and everyone was offering me blow.
And I'm like, I don't need blow.
But tonight I really could have used a bump.
Because I was trying to sleep on Xanax all day.
And there's no bumps to be had.
But a little adrenaline when a fucking scary chick rushes the stage.
It's a natural high.
Abu Ghraib.
Our boot grade?
Safe word.
That's all you need?
Really?
At that point, that's where the language barrier comes in.
Isn't it time we picked one language?
If we get cell phones and email and jet planes, it's a real, there is a new world order without the government.
We're all talking, let's all pick one language.
How about that?
I don't give a fuck.
Put every language in a bingo ball hopper and pick one so I know what the fuck everyone else is saying.
One language and start teaching it.
Our language is our heritage.
What are you going to fucking buy with heritage?
I'm trying to get across town in a fucking cab.
I'm trying to negotiate a reasonably priced fucking handjob from a Costa Rican girl.
I don't need heritage.
I need a fucking language in common.
Maybe if they had a safe word over in Abu Ghraib, maybe they would have stopped.
Maybe that was what Lindy England was all about.
Just a little dominatrix in training so she doesn't have to re-up for the fucking long term for the next war.
You need a safe word.
Sure, fucking put a hood on me and give me the electrodes and make me stand on the box and yank for the camera.
But, you know, when you put the inflatable butt plug in my ass, you can only hit the bulb so many times before I yell blue dolphin and then we take it out and we shower off and we start from scratch.
Remember, they're doing that for our freedom.
That's what it takes, stacking unwashed.
Naked Iraqi men flashing in fucking very homoerotic poses for a Polaroid and then saving those Polaroids.
Thank you very much.
Saving those Polaroids and passing them around like mementos, like a fucking gay Sean Cassidy poster and then putting them online.
If they're doing that, it's your freedom to enjoy that beer, Mr. Loudy Mouth.
Yeah, you better respect.
Booyah, kasha!
Booyah, kasha!
Respect.
Respect.
Can I smoke one of your cigarettes?
Suck your cock.
Truck stop rules.
That's truck stop rules.
That's correct.
I was not smoking because I didn't have cigarettes.
Because that fucking young Jamie Kilstein.
Jamie, over there.
Come here.
Come on up, Jamie Kilstein.
This kid came down to work for $25 a night without accommodations.
From Jersey.
No, he doesn't need a cigarette.
What he needs is a place to stay.
'Cause I'm kicking him out of my hotel room'cause every now and then a guy likes to yank.
So if anyone would put, I'm selling the, Combination package that I'll be out there like a whore in a red light district selling after the show.
But you can get one free if you just put up young Jamie Kilstein for a night.
And you know what?
He'd appreciate it if it was a girl, and he'll try to hit on you, but he's really bad at it.
Because I took him to the Yellow Rose last night, and he's one of those defeatist, like...
He might hit on you, but it's not going to be good.
He's not fucking knocking balls out of the park.
He's funny and he's adorable.
You can make him do dishes and stuff.
I make him fucking do some horrible things.
I make him carry my bags.
He's going to sell my CDs.
I'm always lying to him this morning.
and we're in the shower and he's sucking my dick and I...
I used to have a joke that went kind of like then it wasn't that He's in the shower and he's scrubbing my back.
That's what it was.
Let's go!
Go, go, oh yeah, go.
See him out there.
He'll be selling my DVDs, and if you want one...
Get him the fuck out of here.
Shut up.
Alright.
What else?
I had a girl say this.
I'm going to use it again.
I'm running for president in 2008.
Alex, will you be behind me?
It's going to be a half-goof, but it's going to be more serious than goof.
I need a health care plan.
I really need help on the economy.
I don't know dick about.
I mean, I can't math fucking any money I have a plan where we can just replace currency worldwide with a simple system of blowjobs and cheeseburgers.
Really, what else do you need?
Do you need the fucking money?
And money doesn't do anything for you.
It's a piece of paper.
Armageddon comes, but blowjobs and cheese.
Sir, how much for that ottoman?
I'll suck your dick for it.
And you go, I just came, but fuck, I'm hungry.
Right?
What else?
There's kinks in the system that Hindus, for instance, they don't want the meat.
It's not perfect.
But I have most of the other platforms down.
War we've covered.
What other issues, serious issues, do you care about?
I'll tell you my platform.
I hope they didn't chuck that chick out who yelled.
Did they?
She probably left on her own.
She didn't seem like she was sexually midget.
I'm talking about serious issues.
Abortion?
I'll get to gay marriage next, but abortion first?
Abortion?
And Alex, maybe you're with me on this.
I believe that a fetus is a living thing.
But no, but so is a genital ward.
If it's going to irritate you for life, burn it off.
That's what I say.
Right?
Bladder cancer is alive and growing just the way God made it in your grandpa.
But you know what?
Until you put a fucking blue bonnet on that and send me a fucking card at Easter with an Olin Mills fucking picture.
No, fuck you.
I had my first abortion about a year and a half ago.
My wife had it.
I paid for it.
It's not the kind of thing you go Dutch on.
I'll get this one, honey.
You just hit the tip, okay?
Okay?
You know, it's fucking horrible, but the most horrible thing, not the, you know, look at Like, anything fucking medically.
We don't give a shit about the kid.
We care about fucking parking and not sitting in fucking horrible traffic.
And that's what, yeah, babies do.
There's enough babies out there already.
But the problem with abortion, it's one of those things that they treat you like such shit.
Because it's an abortion, it's dirty and shameful, and they know you're not going to say shit about it, so they can treat you like this.
It's like dildos, right?
They're legal in some fucking counties in this state.
Sorry, that was a story maybe I figured you heard about more.
The lady got busted for having dildo parties.
That was Harris County, wasn't it?
I'm not in Houston.
I'm in Austin.
Whatever.
Shut up.
I've had a long day and a lot to drink.
The point is, dildos are legal.
Dildos are like abortion where they're legal.
Say you want to go down and get a dildo tonight.
You go down to the smud shop and you pick out a fucking top shelf, big blue fucking wiggler.
And you get all excited and you take it home.
But you take it home and it doesn't...
The fucking adjustable net doesn't quite reach the fucking happy spot.
And the blue rubber fucking rabbit doesn't, you know, diddle your clitoris because you're from Nigeria.
And they've cut that off with a rusty tin can or something.
The point is, if it doesn't work, what are you going to do?
Bring it back?
No, you had to get half fucking liquored up on some fucking Shiner Box just to walk into that joint, much less stop by Monday morning on your way to your accountant's job in your business.
I had some problems with this.
Can I talk to him?
This didn't fit quite.
Who are you going to call?
The Better Business Bureau?
The rights, don't I?
Yeah, I try to find a thing that fitted my vagina to make me climax, and I think they bamboozled me.
No, they're going to freaking walk out in shame and take it.
And abortion is the same thing.
They can treat you like absolute shit.
They know I'm not going to walk back into a crowded abortion clinic with my crying wife and slap my hand down on the floor.
Mike goes, this is the worst abortion I have ever had.
I want to see your manager.
You bring your manager.
You call this an abortion, my friend?
This is the worst.
My friend's about this.
You have lost a very valuable customer today, my friend.
I'm cutting up my priority club membership card.
And before you get fucking creepy on me, just keep in mind, I mean, we had an abortion for a reason.
It's not like it was frivolous.
It wasn't because we weren't responsible enough to have a child.
It's not because we weren't financially ready to take care of a child.
The reason that we had the abortion is because I really needed to see what it felt like to kill a baby.
So don't fucking judge me and sit out there like a higher than that.
Right?
No!
How about that?
No one gay marriage!
Fuck you!
And guess what?
Straight marriage?
No!
Fuck you!
Marriage should not be a legal institution!
Marriage should be no different than if you want to join a fraternity.
You want to be a Phi Delta Kappa?
You don't go to the courthouse.
You go to the frat house.
And you pick up the peanuts with your ass cheeks.
And your fucking half-gay friends beat you with an oiled enema bag.
And you call it all good fun.
But it's really fucking half-queer.
But yeah, I don't know who am I. I got blown by a dude in a wig.
It's an old story.
The point is, it's got nothing to do with law.
It's a fucking silly tradition.
And if you want that, fine.
If you want to get married, go down to your church or go to a Chuck E. Cheese and have them do a little Indian rain dance around you and sprinkle magic dust and then call it married.
You're fucking half retarded.
Whatever label you want to put on it, it should have nothing to do with law.
A government should only look at you as an individual no matter what silly things you want to do in your off time.
If marriage didn't exist, would you invent it?
Would you ever look at her and go, shit, baby, this...
This is way too powerful for just two people.
We need regulation on this.
We need some legislation.
We need oversight.
You wouldn't invent that, but someone did.
Someone invented it.
Someone invented marriage, and that person is an asshole.
Yes.
I don't know who he is.
I've Google searched, trying to find the originator of this fucking idea.
So I could urinate on his grave.
Hopefully it would be cloudy.
He invented it.
You've got to do it.
Now you have to do it or you're a dick.
She'll go, you don't want it to.
No, it's just kind of an illogical, "No, no, it's not that, it's just this, we're just perpetuating a bad, Boom!
All of a sudden it's on the calendar one year.
You used to be a good boss.
For the sake of being a good boss, would someone put Secretary's Day one Tuesday a year?
And if you don't show up with product now, you're a fucking asshole.
He doesn't respect my work.
I'm fucking quitting to pay for less shoes.
Right?
And there's nothing more horribly egotistical and boring and fucking horrifying than a wedding.
Don't ever think that someone else wants to go see your wedding.
Don't invite them.
If you like your friends, say, I'm going to get married, so please check my mail.
But don't show up, because it's fucking gross.
A wedding is like watching two people make out on a bus for fucking six and a half hours.
But you have to look at their tongues, though.
It's like eliminate.
And then you have to watch your buddy all fucking dressed up in white tails, because no one has any fashion sense on the guy's side, and he's reading poetry.
Dumb, horrible shit he wrote on a cocktail napkin an hour ago, sweating at the fucking podium.
This is what love and commitment mean to me.
When I first met Jolene, my heart blossomed like a carnation in the April shower.
And you're going, no!
Don't do this!
Shut up!
Someone's filming this!
Stop doing this, man!
I'm going to be forced to be that privy to your most intimate emotions and details, your most intimate parts of your private life.
I'd rather just watch you fuck.
How about that for a wedding?
Let's just watch you fuck for a wedding.
It'll take about six minutes, and me and you and all the family will get right in there with miner's caps and spotlights, and we'll dig right in deep with the fucking stink and the heat rash, and we'll watch you fuck for six minutes until you blow a load, and then we'll all have a reception separately at the bars we enjoy.
That would be a wedding that's way less disgusting than the one you use as your fucking three excuses for attention in life.
Well, I graduated.
Everyone came to that.
Now I'm going to get married and everyone will come to that.
Then I'll have a baby and everyone will look at it and give me a card.
And then I will fucking wait to die.
Because I get attention three times in my life according to our system.
Fucking break out.
Just seriously.
Just go fucking run amok.
Whatever it is.
Live.
That's my health care system.
Fucking...
Everyone over 60. Because they're really the ones eating it up.
Right now?
Alex and I. I'm going to have to fucking come to you on a lot of these.
Because I don't know what I'm talking about.
That's going to be part of my platform.
Is I don't really know everything yet.
But do you?
So shut up.
Fun.
That's fun.
Fun.
What about fun?
Right?
Fun.
I would vote for any candidate, even if you were lying, if you ran on a platform where at least one of the top five things was enjoying life.
Fun.
Fun.
The lowest unemployment in the 90s.
Then kill yourself because jobs suck.
And now where's our candidate trying to build robots to do this shit for us so we don't have to go to work, right?
How about that?
The long-term goal of any society should be complete unemployment.
That should be at least a long-term goal.
Someone should be looking for a plan for no employment.
These jobs are...
Vote for me!
Don't just pursue it.
Cut it down.
Cut it strong.
Fuck it in the ass.
And then try to find new ways of being happy.
Because there's so few ways.
I'm 37. I'm bored out of my pit.
Right?
I've done all the drugs except heroin.
And I'm waiting.
It's not like I have something against it.
I'm just waiting until you're going to hold something back.
As soon as I find out I'm terminally ill, I have fucking age or that.
I'm going right to the fucking spike.
It's not addictive because it sucks.
I'm just holding out.
I'm just trying to plan for the future.
Girls are wild.
Just saying, you need more drugs.
The whole medicinal marijuana argument is just so weak because it's placating to the system.
The reason they have It's none of your business.
They have to do it in baby steps with the fucking medicinal because the problem in this country is old fucks vote.
They have time to do that.
We don't vote.
We're young.
We have shit to do.
We can fucking work at the Home Depot and yell at comedy shows.
The Nunes time to read a headline off the Old fucks have nothing to do with life anymore except judge you and vote.
Those are the two things they do.
They sit around miserable at the polls and they go, he's smiling.
I don't care.
I haven't smiled in years.
Whatever he's doing, vote no on.
He's about to do something.
And they vote on shit they don't know about and they're fucking caught in the past.
Oh, those were the good old days.
They were only good because you were young.
Now you're fucking old.
The day wasn't good.
Youth is good.
You don't understand it, so you don't understand the youth of today, so you vote no.
We're going to bring it back the way it used to be.
Fuck you.
That's why my health care plan, because the old people are fucking sucking up all that fucking money.
I'm not.
I have insurance and I don't fucking do it.
My health care plan is for people over 60. Get all the free pain medication they need.
That's it.
Okay, take a bunch of these.
We can fix that with surgery.
No, no, no.
Just give them a hand.
About a $19,000 operation.
We could give her a new hand.
No?
It's part of my health care plan.
That's all I've figured out so far.
Man.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Accident.
I'm getting back to drugs.
The point is, we need to work on new drugs.
I smoked DMT, and that was something that you said up front, Alex, that made me think of it.
I wouldn't recommend it to anyone but the most hardcore trippers, because it's really fucked up, and you really do.
Oh, that's what it was, the atheist remark.
I'm an atheist.
No, I don't know yet.
And that's when I smoked DMT with Rogan.
It was the most...
DMT dimethyltryptamine is the most powerful hallucinogen known to man.
And it's about a 10 minute trip where I understood the meaning of life as though it was as cliched as a fucking baby on board bumper sticker and I'm doing it.
Oh, okay.
As I remember, I met Rogan doing that stupid fucking thing I did.
There's tribes in the third world, fourth world.
Amazon tribes that still believe that a camera can steal your soul.
And I always thought that was ridiculous until I did the man show.
Now, see what you mean.
So me and Rogan, are we having to write monologues for the man show up at his fucking palatial Scarface estate before I head back to my one-room?
We're trying to write these fucking monologues and trying to write them...
And he's going, I got the DMT, you want to try it?
And I go, fuck it, let's do it.
And so I smoke this shit, and I'm literally, immediately blown into the center of the universe, and I'm there, and I'm honestly watching all information being sucked through a black hole as data.
It's all being sucked as data, and several lines being sucked, and I understand the meaning of life, and I understand what it's all about.
Everything.
I know everything, and it's true.
The difference between a good drug and a bad drug is a bad drug, the ideas that you have while you're doing it wear off the next day, and a good drug, that stays with you.
You can get fucked up, drink all sorts of tequila and gangbikes and go, "Fuck it, dude, let's drive down to Central America!
Why not?
Fuck it!" "Comic said quit your job, you know what, he touched something in me, so I'm gonna fucking..." What do I do?
And that's bad, but a good drug, like you can do acid and you fucking have fucked up thoughts and you're watching your dog and you swear he's communicating through you to you with just mere eye contact.
And it's true, but even when the drug wears off.
You know me, motherfucker.
All right.
There's a truth to the drug.
So I'm at the center of the universe watching all this fucking information and I know the meaning of life, it's rote and it's a 10 minute trip and I come out of it and Rogan's big fucking head is...
We're back to writing man show bombs.
How about a Juggie joke here?
The point is, they should be working on some shit you don't need to know about life.
Like, a lot of your conspiracies, Alex, knowing doesn't help.
It's just some bullshit that, yeah, if you want to find all the bullshit in the world, go talk to some chicks.
I said, yeah, no, honey, that's just a fucking birthmark.
And you might uncover a fucking conspiracy, but it's not going to make really...
I get into that shit, and you're like, oh, this is fucked up.
And then I was just angry.
I wasn't enjoying life at all.
I'm just always angry.
That's fucked up.
That's fucked up.
Most of it doesn't really matter when you get a fucking go of boxes at the UPS.
Some of it does.
Same.
We need to work on having more fun.
We need more drugs, more places to do drugs, better places to drink.
Can we drink somewhere that's not just a fucking...
How about drinking a bar and a go-kart track?
Let's go get fucked up.
Or just anything that'd make life less boring.
I'm running out of ideas and I'm only 37 and I'm bored all the time.
Let's make it weird.
You know what you ladies need?
More holes.
Can you work on that?
Possibly a few more holes.
Is there anywhere I haven't stuck my dick yet?
I'm running out of ideas.
I'm not as creative as you might think.
Cloning, good thing.
Well, no, medical science isn't advanced enough.
We can have mutations.
Perfect!
Mutations.
Maybe you spit out a little genetically altered girl baby out of your otherwise barren womb, and she shows up with 44 holes all over her body.
And you go, it's a mistake!
And I go, no, it's perfect!
Get down, Jackson, because now a long-term commitment is a viable option.
Maybe tilt that do us part with the 44 holes.
It's going to take a long time to play through on that course.
Give me a carton of candy, baby.
Because I want...
Rotations are good.
They had this fucking two-headed baby.
Hang on, I have to check the time so I can close appropriately.
Ooh, and this might be it.
This two-headed baby.
Not the one three days ago.
There's been five two-headed babies that they brought to the States to try to separate because these doctors, evidently, we have good two-headed baby doctors.
Because all these two-headed babies are coming from fucking Central America, but they're good.
I mean, I appreciate a two-headed baby.
The Siamese twins, not the hackneyed ones, the old ones I'm bored with, the ones you see in fucking Guinness Book where they're attached at the liver.
Boring.
Yeah, boring.
Hack freak.
It's like having a bearded lady-baby.
Come on, we've seen it a million times.
Shave it and bring me stuff new.
But the last two, the last one three days ago was like a fucking push me, pull you one where it's the two heads are, they're feet at opposite end.
And it's like a, you know.
But there was the one three months ago, it was the most beautiful thing.
Give me one clap if you know this one.
The top head is coming out of the bottom.
The bottom head is like a...
It's a girl, totem pole head, girl baby.
It's like a townhouse head.
And they bring it to the States to try to separate it.
Don't separate it, leave it alone.
How fucking happy would I be?
to meet her at the end of the night.
What am I going to do?
I did that.
At the end of the night, I was just poorer and I could have fucking jacked and had the same effect.
What a two-headed townhouse, top-headed, duplex-headed baby.
That would be something I would carry for life.
And you've never won up me, motherfucker.
But they tried to cut it apart and play God and they killed both of them.
And you go, what, did you fucking leave it alone?
They had to cut it apart.
When you hear the story, you understand, because the top head had an underdeveloped brain, and they had to try to cut top head off.
Well, they had to cut top head off if they're cutting one anyway.
It's not like you can cut off the bottom head and move the top one down.
That's just showboating in the old OR, right?
But the top head had little formed eyes and lips, but the fucking brain was, yay!
Yeah, it's gone.
And you can't do that to the low head.
That's just wrong.
I mean, I have friends who work with the developmentally disabled, but that's eight hours a day on their own accord, and that's fucking stressful enough.
You can't just fucking paste a retard right onto someone's head for their whole life without their consent, because that's...
She's drooling Cheerios, I'll let her name.
You're a happy mom!
So they had to cut her apart and they killed both of them.
And now I'll never fucking have any chance of meeting that upstairs, downstairs headed girl.
End of my show.
DVD for you?
That's free, my little lovely ladies.
Fuck you, you wouldn't do that one time if you're a last call at fucking emo's and all the fucking hot chicks she's lost and she's dumped you for being a fucking...
Just to say you had that menage a trois that you always wanted.
They don't have to know the details.
They were twins.
That's all I'm saying, dude.
They're twins.
I don't want to kiss and tell.
You'd have to get the blowjob in the upside down position with you on top.
Because that way your balls would muffle the cries of the retarded one.
Because you can't get a nut in a public arena.
You're just trying to concentrate.
They're going to come before someone comes in and you get the spastic down and everything.
Man, I want to go to swing sets.
I like the swing set.
So you get on top like this and then you get the egg bag.
At least until you nut and then you give her a fucking lollipop or a yo-yo and everyone's happy.
It's not like you can get the blowjob in the orthodox 69 kneeling position just standing there because then you get the fucking rubber head looking up at y 'all.
wall-eyed.
Do you like me?
My sister?
No!
Of course I like your sister!
Look down!
Alright, I gotta go.
We have fucking drinking to do another place here.
I'll see you out front if you want that new CDB.
Thank you very much.
Jamie Kilstein.
Take them home for nothing.
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