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| Time | Text |
|---|---|
| Damn, Vidanti reporting for Government Fantasy Network. | |
| And I'm here on a beautiful February day. | |
| Nice and hot. | |
| Well, thanks to climate change and global warming. | |
| But we've got conspiracy theorists out there right now who are saying it's snowing. | |
| Do you believe that? | |
| Because remember, Al Gore said there would be no more polar caps by 2014. | |
| And due to global warming and climate change, we'll never see cold weather again. | |
| Especially in 2015, yeah. | |
| But you'd think that people would listen to this man. | |
| That man deserves that Nobel Peace Prize. | |
| But conspiracy theorists are saying right now that there's snowfall. | |
| Right now there's the third snow storm in two weeks and record snowfall and I don't see one bit of snow because it's so hot out here and I can't believe people have the audacity to say we don't have global warming and we don't have climate change and they even say that the polar caps are 40% bigger. | |
| Do you believe that? | |
| No, it's just an illusion. | |
| This here, what you see, is an illusion created by the Conspiracy Theorists. | |
| Those poll caps that, you know, they say still exist and 40% larger, created by Conspiracy Theorists. | |
| Because how dare does anyone challenge Al Gore! | |
| How dare he even have the audacity to challenge our great Lord and Savior, our King of the New World Order, our God, Barack Obama, the best President of the United States of America ever, when he is now His gracious heart has given us free college! | |
| You believe that? | |
| I almost cried when I heard that. | |
| Put simply, what I'd like to do is to see the first two years of community college free for everybody who's willing to work for it. | |
| Now I can go to college for free. | |
| I already got my free health care. | |
| I got my Obama phone. | |
| Okay? | |
| I got all government stuff free from Barack Obama. | |
| Do you believe me? | |
| And people have a nerve to criticize this great man who is truly our father and father. | |
| You know, people complain. | |
| The conspiracy theorists complain that our civil liberties are being taken. | |
| But you know what? | |
| Those civil liberties were created by terrorists. | |
| Who was the first terrorist organization in the United States? | |
| Who? | |
| Family of God. | |
| You mean Thomas Jefferson? | |
| You mean George Washington? | |
| Falkenberg? | |
| That's right, the founding fathers created these conspiracy theories, okay? | |
| They created these things called the Bill of Rights. | |
| When our government cares for us, okay, Barack Obama created the National Defense Authorization Act. | |
| To take these damn civil liberties away to protect us. | |
| But these conspiracy theorists out there think that we shouldn't have Homeland Security putting their hands down on our pants. | |
| And I feel great when TSA sticks their hands down on my pants. | |
| I feel great. | |
| I feel like a real American. | |
| I feel great because these people are doing this for my protection. | |
| I feel great when they radiate me to those naked body scanners. | |
| So what my naked images out there? | |
| It's for my safety. | |
| It's for your safety, so you shouldn't complain about it. | |
| You know, so what that, you know what? | |
| We are restricted to what we can do. | |
| The government tells us what we can and cannot do. | |
| And now, which is great, they want to push mandatory vaccinations. | |
| I will roll up my sleeve any day for our great government. | |
| There is every reason to get vaccinated. | |
| There aren't reasons to not get vaccinated. | |
| Parents, you should get your kids vaccinated. | |
| You should get your kids vaccinated. | |
| It's good for them. | |
| And for those people out there, those conspiracy theorists that steer to say that vaccines | |
| cause many, many mental disorders. | |
| And how dare they say that? | |
| Because these vaccines are probably the greatest thing in medical science ever. | |
| And even though they come up with hundreds and hundreds of stories to our one story, how vaccines save the life, they come up with hundreds of stories to that one story, how kids die from it. | |
| But it's just a conspiracy theory. | |
| You're not supposed to listen to that. | |
| You don't listen to that because you listen to IFDA, you listen to the CDC, and you listen to our Lord and Savior, Barack Obama. | |
| And again, on this beautiful day in February. | |
| We'll mark a draft fire. | |
| The sun is out. | |
| It's warm. | |
| I mean, I'm dressed in a t-shirt right now, and I'm ready to go to the beach. | |
| But again, you've got these conspiracy theorists out there that say, hey, there's global warming everywhere. | |
| But again, how dare they challenge us? | |
| Because we are living in this perfect utopia called the New World Order. | |
| You couldn't ask for nothing more. | |
| And now, I'm going to go right down to the nearest community college, and I'm going to vote for free, thanks to my Lord and Savior, Barack Obama. | |
| And this is Dan Bodondi reporting for the Global News Network, which is also known as the Government Fantasy Network. | |
| First of all, give an honor to God. | |
| and our Lord and Savior, Barack Obama. |
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