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| Time | Text |
|---|---|
| One of my friends asked me, he said, Mike, are you going to talk about same-sex marriage? | |
| Because you haven't, you know, you haven't really gone on the record. | |
| What do you think about same-sex marriage and you're hosting Alex's show? | |
| You got to talk about that, aren't you? | |
| Aren't you going to talk about it? | |
| Well, I don't know. | |
| All this talk about same-sex marriage and opposite-sex marriage. | |
| From what I hear, most Americans would be happy with any sex in their marriage, frankly. | |
| It's like, it's a no-sex marriage. | |
| But I'm not even really sure, I'm not sure if we can enforce all these rules one way or another, because personally, I can't tell the gender of some of these people, so I'm not, I mean, I'm not trying to be, you know, insulting or anything, I'm just saying, I can't tell. | |
| You've got some of these you know, macho gay women riding around trying to pick up | |
| dates, riding on Harley's, you want to go on a ride? No, no, I don't want to go on a | |
| ride. Not with you. No, please no. | |
| I mean, if you go on a date with one of these gals, you gotta, it's almost like you got to buy | |
| them a plane ticket on the first date so you can march them through TSA for a gender check. | |
| You know what I mean? | |
| It's like, slip a 50 to the agent and ask him, hey, what's the verdict, buddy? | |
| Am I dating a dude? | |
| Or a chick? | |
| I'm sorry. | |
| I'm sorry. | |
| I know it's not politically correct. | |
| I'm just saying. | |
| I'm just saying. | |
| Why do we have to have all this discussion about all these things? | |
| There's so many more important issues out there, like the fluoride in the water. | |
| Why do we have to be obsessed about what gender people are when they get married? | |
| I mean, how does the TSA even tell, by the way, if someone comes in and they're not sure? | |
| I mean, do they have like a gender-neutral line? | |
| You know, a pat-down? | |
| Like someone there named Pat doing the pat-down? | |
| Hi, I'm pat-down Pat. | |
| I'm going to pat you down today. | |
| I'm the gender-neutral TSA pat-down expert. | |
| I was highly trained as the head of security at Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch, and we have a very special pat-down procedure that we use there. | |
| Is that the way they really do it? | |
| Seriously? | |
| But, you know, back on the issue of same-sex marriage, I mean, come on, if Michael Moore marries Janet Napolitano, isn't that a same-sex marriage? | |
| I mean, really? | |
| Isn't that, doesn't that qualify? | |
| Because, you know, who are we to say that they can't have their fun together, their joy, frolicking in the sunset, hand in hand, bounding through fields of clover, you know, off into the sunset? | |
| It would be wonderful. | |
| Can you imagine those two getting married up there at the altar? | |
| It's like the Reverend says, I now pronounce you man and wife. | |
| You may kiss the bride. | |
| And then both of their heads turn like the exorcist. | |
| 360 degrees. | |
| There is no bride. | |
| What? | |
| There's no bride. | |
| And then they start to kiss and there's like hormones and pheromones flying and exploding every which way. | |
| Like a bad scene out of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. | |
| A cross dressing transvestites appear on stage and start dancing in a musical number with meatloaf. | |
| And then George Carlin and Richard Pryor come back to life and show up on stage and their heads turn and see these two French kissing in matrimony and their heads explode out of the sheer horror of it. | |
| So yeah, I'm all for it. | |
| Yeah. | |
| At least that's how it plays out in my head. | |
| So go ahead, go ahead and roll. | |
| That's a comedy bit, by the way, folks. | |
| That's that's called exercising your free speech. |
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