Stefan Molyneux challenges a caller's inconsistent moral reasoning, contrasting her enduring love for verbally abusive parents against her contempt for a tattoo artist boyfriend who caused significantly less harm. While the caller attributes her pattern of choosing unavailable men to an avoidant attachment style and childhood trauma, Molyneux argues she prioritized lust over virtue, mirroring her parents' flawed marriage choices. He insists that protecting her son requires rejecting conditional love models and strictly adhering to character-based relationship standards rather than victimhood narratives or superficial attraction. [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: CohereLabs/cohere-transcribe-03-2026, WAV2VEC2_ASR_BASE_960H, sat-12l-sm, script v26.04.01, and large-v3-turbo
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Trusting Myself Amidst Doubt00:02:56
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
It's a public call here today, so just remember if you could to stay off names and places.
And I'm all ears if you'd like to tell me how I can best help.
I'd be happy to do what I can.
Yes, so I have written a letter, but I worry for a couple of months while I read it.
So I'll try to remember what I wanted to say.
I'm sorry, just are you on a phone or a speakerphone?
It's a little tough to hear you.
Oh, I'm on my phone.
You don't happen to have a headset or anything, do you?
I have headphones.
Oh, you have headphones on?
Yes.
Okay, can you just tap the microphone?
I just want to make sure that the phone is picking up the right microphone.
Yeah, I add more volume.
Okay.
Okay, can you hear me?
Yes, go ahead.
Okay, so today's topic I would like to talk about boundaries and like trust myself, but not like that way, like I don't like myself.
I like, but For more weight, like person is like that, my opinion has done me.
So, in that sense, so I won't start about perfectionism because I usually I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
It's are you walking around?
There's a lot of background noise or rustles, or I'm just having a tough time hearing you.
That combined, it's not your fault.
Of course, you have a bit of an accent, it's just a little tough too.
To hear, I'm trying.
Yeah, I'm walking, but um, I found a quieter place.
Okay, so start again.
Uh, so I want to talk about the boundaries and like how trust myself more, uh, like person who have weight, like opinion matter in that kind of sense.
Okay, all right, so tell me what's going on in your life that this is a problem.
Yeah, so um, I have a lot of perfectionism.
I usually never is enough what I do.
I could do better.
And by example, in my work, I had a meeting where it was kind of insulting events because I took really seriously these complaints, how we do bad our work.
But I saw campaigners almost crying.
And later they said that I do good my job, but I feel kind of bad opinion.
It's like echo about that.
It's like never enough.
So, I would like to dig deeper what is behind that because I have avoidant attachment.
So, I suspect that behind all this perfectionism and everything is something more, way deeper.
Recognizing Controlling Behavior Early00:11:02
Ah, okay.
And what are you in your 20s or 30s or something else?
30s.
And I work as a teacher, but I work with disabled kids.
And I really like my job.
And before this meeting, I thought that, oh, it's great, but we want to work overtime.
It's like what you do is not enough.
So I felt disappointed and even started to doubt if I'm doing good.
Okay, so you're in your 50s, and can you tell me a little bit about your life as a whole?
Are you married?
Do you have kids?
No, I'm in my 30s.
My accent probably is like 37.
Sorry, can you just say that again?
You're what age?
37.
37, okay.
Sorry, my apologies.
Okay, so you sounded younger, but some people you can't tell.
So, okay, so you're 37, and tell me about your life as a whole outside of work.
Yeah, so I also found that I choose unavailable men and make them my project too.
It's like I see a reason why we can't be together, but somehow I can fix it.
So, in my life, I'm a single mother, and I saw it's like repeating this pattern.
It's like I choose personal, for some reason, Can have like healthy normal relationships, and later I try and make it like that.
So, um, also, I think adds up near perfectionism and boundaries.
It's like, um, trying like different kinds of ways to analyze, understand another person's point of view.
Why is it like that?
Um, in one of the podcasts, you told that growing up between the crazy people becomes you're like managing crazy people, like, right, still.
So, I feel like that way.
It's like my interest is like why people behave like that.
I mean, I'm into a lot of analyzing too.
Okay.
And how many children do you have?
One.
Okay.
And were you married to the child's father?
No, I'm not.
So, I also, we have like, we've been engaged, but I myself canceled that.
So, um, I suspect that at that moment I thought that how I was able to choose a person like that, how I was able to be in a situation like that.
But as more and more time goes by, I notice it's like maybe something more reason why I choose that way or live that way.
So today's my question I really wonder what is behind that.
Right, okay.
And why did you break off the engagement?
Because he was really jealous, controlling, and later turned out into even abusive.
Oh, God.
I'm sorry to hear that.
I really am.
That's very sad.
I'm very sorry to hear about that.
And abusive, like physically violent?
First, no, but in the end, yes, it turns out even until that point.
And I tried really to analyze him, understand his bad childhood, stuff like that.
So I give a lot of, like, was.
Praised, like, helped me to change, and I really tried to help him change.
I mean, it's like it took a lot of energy.
And how long were you together for?
We've been like five years, but living together for.
Okay.
And what did you find attractive about him?
Yeah, so I found attractive, like, probably now thinking because I'm like in anxiety, try to do the best I can, something.
So he was like, I have this kind of that vibe.
Sorry, I didn't quite catch that.
Yeah, it was like doing art, artist.
I'm not catching that word, sorry.
Oh, he was an artist?
Yes.
Oh, heaven help you.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Was he a hot artist?
Was he a handsome artist?
No, really.
I mean, he considered himself ugly, and I was like the one who said, No, you're beautiful, you're nice.
It's like.
I wanted to lift him up.
All right.
And when did he, sorry, when did he first start?
When did you first notice that he was controlling?
Oh, he started even talking.
I made it to hear controlling, but I tried to justify it.
Like, all the time, it goes how he grew up and things like that.
So, I think my problem was like, for some reason, I thought that I have some powers to change another person.
So, now I see it's like, like, business was working, like, moving the rack, but it's still there.
But at the time, I thought that.
Everything is possible, it's like people can change, even he said he can change.
Now, you get your first gold star of the conversation because this is the first question you have dodged.
So, what was my question?
A question that helped me was answered.
My question was?
I could do that if I'm honest.
No, that's fine, that's fine.
My question was, when did you first notice?
He was controlling, and your answer was, I thought I could fix him, which is not the answer, right?
And again, you don't have to answer any of my questions, but if you're not going to answer them, just tell me you're not going to answer them.
So I'll ask again, sorry, I sound like I'm nagging you, but when did you first notice he was controlling?
In the first month, I think, because it was like, where do you go?
What are you doing?
And I didn't consider these questions like interrogation or something.
In my mind, I thought, like, where do I go?
But by the time it was like FBI, like, where do you go?
So it's not like I read.
It was more like I felt like I need to give a report.
Okay, so within the first couple of weeks of dating him, he was very controlling.
Yeah, basically, yes.
Long before you moved in together.
Yes.
So why did you keep going?
For me, it was kind of a huge energy for change something.
It's like I can change it, I can, if I understand enough.
I know it sounds ridiculous now, but at the time, in my energy, I thought I can something fix, change, help.
No, but why, hang on, hang on, but why would you want to date a man you had to fix rather than a man who wasn't controlling in the first place?
Really good question.
I don't know.
I mean, I met, like, I go on dates, and when I'm on dates, it's like these guys in Boston look like serious.
They ask questions that no, look serious.
And I really wanted, like, marriage kids to be like this interesting person.
So I found an interesting person in some way, but not marriage material.
Sorry, you didn't think he was marriage material?
No, I was like searching for an interesting person for, like, marriage kids.
But by the time I find out he did not manage material, obviously he wasn't even have owned a lot of problems.
Well, but you knew within the first couple of weeks that he was trolling, right?
Yes.
He wanted to know where you were at all times and so on, right?
Yeah.
So why?
And I'm not asking this in a critical way, I'm genuinely curious.
It is a big mystery for men.
Why?
Women go for bad men.
Yeah.
Now, listen, listen, sorry, I also understand that sometimes it's frustrating for women that men go for bad women, but I happen to be talking to a woman here, so it is a big mystery.
Why women, okay, was he wealthy?
No.
Was he very tall?
No.
Was he, he said he was ugly.
I mean, objectively, was he handsome, medium, or ugly?
Well, in my eyes, it wasn't ugly, but it wasn't like a basketball player or stuff like that.
Or I don't know, people consider it like top 10.
Okay.
Was he very smart?
Yeah, I was smart.
He was smart.
Okay.
And did he have any other positive qualities?
Smart is dangerous, right?
Because if someone is smart and good, that's a big plus.
If somebody is smart and bad, That's a huge minus because they're going to have a lot of skills on how to control you, right?
So, was he?
Sorry, go ahead.
Yeah, you are completely right because during this time I felt like in a haunted house.
It's like, I don't know which ghost is coming from.
It's like all my fears and everything go up.
I didn't know even I have.
Yeah, if a woman wants to date a smart man, an intelligent man, she has to, has to, has to make sure.
He's a good man because otherwise his intelligence will be used against her.
Yeah, I find out.
And, like I said, I'm kind of like after that experience, a long time ago, I discovered I have avoidant attachment.
That is like, opened my eyes.
And I found out that probably I was running from something this way.
It's like, I can have something.
And I analyze, make logic.
Yeah, it's like logic, I can.
I have feelings way more deeper.
It's like I want to find this reason why I do it.
Running From Something Unknown00:02:42
Right.
Well, what did your friends and family think of this man?
Oh, my parents accepted, we welcomed him, and he looked like charming.
But my best friend, she saw him and said, looks arrogant, and he didn't like her and was like jealous that we speak too much.
Yeah, so she basically saw another can.
I have another can.
She also has now currently died with jealous and controlling.
So it's like as that with your idea of Batman, because she chose to.
So she can't judge me.
I try and help her now.
Okay.
So he wasn't wealthy, he wasn't tall, he wasn't handsome.
Was he successful?
Because, of course, as an artist, you can be successful.
Without making much money, yeah.
As I saw, he had also like perfectionism, but he usually likes to quit.
He's like doing like perfect way, his own way.
People say you're doing great, he's like enjoying attention and quit.
He quitted like the jobs, places was like, um, not like in current particular place.
He liked them even now, like changing jobs is not steady.
So he could be successful, but he can handle a long time in one place.
What kind of artist was he?
A tattoo artist.
I'm sorry?
A tattoo artist.
I'm sorry, can you spell that out?
Tatu artus.
I don't know how to say better.
It's like my accent.
It's like tattoos covering on skin.
A tattoo?
Yes.
Okay, that's not an artist.
They calculate themselves artists.
You're kidding me.
Here, I'm thinking he's a playwright or a sculptor.
He tattoos people.
That's why I was having trouble.
Understanding.
So you had a child with someone who hurts people for a living.
Yeah.
Okay.
And he couldn't even keep a job as a tattoo artist.
Yes.
Wow.
Okay.
And your father was happy with you dating and moving in with a controlling tattoo artist.
This is the point.
Anxiety Repeating In Relationships00:10:41
I think my dad, like when I grew up, was like away often, like not at home.
So it was like, it's your choice.
So you said you grew up, your father was away from home a lot?
Yeah, it's like he wasn't at home.
It's like all the time come back late.
So he wasn't at home.
And why was he not at home?
He all the time was working.
So I think I repeat this pattern myself.
It's like all the time need the same thing.
Try the best I can.
So, of course, I try to spend time with my child more as possible and be attuned to him.
I don't want to repeat my childhood, but this part was like he was awake and he's like, oh, it's your choice.
Okay, and what was your parents' relationship like?
They consider themselves happy, but they were fighting a lot.
It's like even communication were like.
A lot of arguing.
So, as I saw, I didn't want that, but it repeated by itself.
For me, it was like a huge waking up.
Then I realized it's like I chose even worse.
It's like 10 times worse than I grew up myself.
So, why did I do that?
So, it's like a golden question because, as I know, people repeat their childhood for unconscious reasons to have better.
Outcome, but in my cases it was even worse.
But it somehow opened a lot of knowledge.
But sadly, it's like I wish I could go back in time and be different.
I mean, that time I felt like something familiar.
It felt like this person is like that, like that.
But I have like blind spots for me.
It was usual norm because here was my environment like people talking disrespectfully with each other.
So, when he talked to me this respectful way, I just like passed.
Right, okay.
And what did your parents fight about?
About a lot of things.
It's like, looks like the little things set them off.
It's like, was kind of anxiety in my home.
A lot of like, supposed to be stuff put one way, not another way.
It's like, really dysregulated environment.
Even myself, I have kind of little things in my home because for me, a lot of things make me anxiety because usually we start to start for little things like mug, like a cup of tea or something.
So, and it was so crazy how it repeated this to my own relationship.
We fight also about things, how they are put or how it's like ordered and stuff like that.
Okay.
And how often did your parents fight in a week?
Often.
Basically, when a previous guy who called you like yesterday said he doesn't remember his childhood, I don't remember too much, like basically six years.
I'm like banished.
So I feel similar because it's like, I guess it was so much stress that I even don't remember.
I know that we spend a lot of time in the park for the beer at home.
Right, okay.
And you have siblings?
Yes, I have a sister.
Okay.
So when you got older and you can remember, how often did your parents fight?
I had them, it was like almost a day.
Okay, and are they still together?
Yes, but we consider that it's like all okay.
But as I see, it's kind of, especially after my this unsuccessful relationship, I see more different kind of way than before.
Before, I thought like some kind of, I keep like little beautiful moments and I kept it like forever.
It's like, it like was one beautiful moment, like come for Christmas and I keep it in my mind like, like saving, like gold, like, like money to God.
I think.
And for me, it looked like, oh, it's anything good.
But after that, I see a bigger picture.
Okay.
And what did your mother think of your boyfriend?
Well, she first she said he liked tricks her because he liked, said all gonna be okay, life would be great.
But I think from start, she kind of suspected that he could be a different person than he acted.
Well, but he was controlling in the first few weeks.
Did you tell your mother that?
Yeah, she knew, she saw, like, I'm kind of moving something, but also that didn't interrupt.
At the time, I was 24 years old, so for me, it was like a huge hopes.
I thought I can change the world, but over and over, I had situations where the world changed me.
Well, I don't know.
I'm still trying to figure it out.
I'm not sure that you thought you could change the world.
Because you saw your parents try to change each other by fighting and nagging and controlling each other, did your parents ever succeed in changing each other for the better?
Good question.
I don't know.
Should you?
Hang on, hang on.
Hang on, hang on.
They fought every day, right?
Yes.
Did that fighting succeed in producing a happy marriage?
Probably not.
Well, Are they happy now?
If I could ask them, they say happy, but I see from the corner, no, because it's in huge anxiety, like, or nagging, like you say, it's like, you did that wrong or you did this wrong.
Right.
So for me, it's great, like, probably escape idea, like, don't come closer to somebody because it could hurt me.
Okay, so what is your mother's biggest complaint about your father?
Obviously, that wasn't at home.
At work, everything is perfect, but at home, he doesn't pay attention.
This kind of complaints.
Okay.
So, your mother complained that your father wasn't at home, okay?
Yes.
And she fought with him about this.
Now, was her fighting with him?
Did that make him want to be at home more or less?
Of course, less.
Right.
He found excuses for don't be.
Yeah, okay.
So, your mother was yelling at your father to come home and be at home.
And when he was home, she yelled at him more, so he didn't want to be at home.
So, your mother, you saw for decades, was trying to get your father to come home, but doing the opposite of she was driving him away.
Now, what was your father's biggest complaint about your mother?
Obviously, it's like high temper, impulsivity.
I mean, it's like a lot.
It's like a lot of person.
I mean, it's like a lot of personalities.
I never disappear.
Okay.
So, your father's biggest complaint about your mother was nagging or something like that?
Yep.
Okay.
And did either of them get to change the other person?
Did your father manage to get your mother to stop nagging?
And did your mother get your father to come home when you were a child?
No.
I mean, it was like more modeling for me.
It's like.
I took that part that I didn't like and tried to change myself being like sweet.
I usually go out in the world like sweet, like kind.
I'm trying to be less oppositional as possible.
And it brings me a lot of trouble because later I found myself like I wanted to say to you, but I forgot.
I feel like George from my life, from Back to the Future.
I feel like I'm interested a lot in my stuff and comes beef and says, Why did you do that?
Right.
And I'm trying to understand.
It's like, yeah, so I would like to change this part of me because it disturbed me a lot.
And I found over and over, it's like I try to analyze people who are overstepping my boundaries.
Right.
Okay.
Okay.
So you grew up seeing that your parents couldn't change each other.
Yes.
They kept trying and failing.
And so, You did not believe, because you're an intelligent woman, you did not believe that you could change a bad man because you saw your parents not changing each other your whole childhood.
But I had like kind of huge, like, I don't know how it's written, but like huge energy, like, sense that I can do it.
I mean, I know it sounds like impossible.
But at the time, I thought I can't.
No, no, hang on.
Sorry.
So your parents wanted to change each other, sure.
Yes.
But you saw them fail day after day, week after week, year after year, decade after decade.
So they wanted to change each other, right?
Yeah, for sure.
But they failed.
But yes.
And you wanted to change your boyfriend, but not because you really believed you could change him, because if your parents had changed, Tried to change each other and succeeded, then you would believe, oh, okay, that can happen.
But your parents never were able to change each other.
I mean, I'm sure they fight less now just because they're older, right?
Yeah, obviously.
Generational Trauma And Bad Choices00:06:20
Yeah, yeah.
So you just get worn out, right?
You just get tired.
So you just give up to some degree.
But it's not because, I mean, you've just run out of energy.
It's like why criminals become less violent.
They just get older, right?
They just get tired.
It's not a moral thing, it's just a worn out thing.
So, do you know why your parents got married?
Why did they get together?
I think it was different times.
And at the time, it was like if you're dating somebody, you marry this person.
Wasn't like now, like you can choose, or people like really respectful for your choice before was like some kind of pressure.
And at that kind of age, couples they are still together most of them, as I know my pilot's friends too.
But they have also kind of stories where they look like good on paper, but inside home happened things like also fighting or I mean behind closed doors.
In my case, I really wanted something opposite, but it happened even worse.
Okay.
Have you seen pictures of your mother when she was young?
Yeah, she was beautiful.
I mean, one of the first things my dad noticed was she was beautiful.
Okay.
So, as a beautiful young woman, she could get most guys, almost every guy would date her, right?
Yep.
So, if you say they got married because they kept dating, that doesn't answer the question.
Sorry to be a nag, but the question is of all the men, she could have dated probably a hundred men in her environment.
I mean, she could have dated most people in the world, I'm sure.
If she's a beautiful woman, she can date just about any man.
So, of all the hundred men she could have dated, she chose to date your father.
I'm sure lots of men were asking her out.
I remember when I was in.
Junior high school, there was this girl who was very pretty in the class, and we had a Valentine's Day card giving thing.
And she got more cards than there were children, boys in the grade.
It's a lot.
No, like you could barely see her.
It was piled up.
And what that means is that boys from other schools.
Had found a way to send her a Valentine's Day card.
And it was horrible in a way.
It's certainly tough for all the other girls.
But this girl who was beautiful got so much male attention, it was deranged.
I mean, it was mad.
And so I assume that your mother was one of these types of girls or young women.
So she could have got any guy.
And even this girl that I knew many times.
Decades ago, she ended up dating a guy who was not very high quality, whatever, right?
And I just remember that.
Like, she had so many Valentine's Day cards.
And I'm sure that the boys who put the Valentine's Day cards in tried to put something clever or witty or interesting or engaging in it or chose the card with great care.
And so she could have had her pick of just about any boy would have been thrilled to go out with her.
And she chose, I mean, an okay guy, but nothing real special.
I don't think he ever ended up amounting to much.
So that's the big question is not, well, my parents dated, but why did your mother date a man she didn't like?
That's always a big question and a big mystery.
And again, if she's some, I don't know, some Laura Wingfield, really shy girl with a limp and a squinty eye, and I don't know, something like that.
Yeah, but she wasn't slapping it like in your face.
Yeah, yeah.
No, I mean, so she had.
The choice and a woman's beauty to me is like: Have you ever bought a lottery ticket?
Yeah, so to me, a woman's beauty when she's young is like being able to choose a lottery ticket, knowing which one will win, or at least having a pretty good indication of which one will win, or at least.
You know which ones are not going to win.
And so it's like having a thousand lottery tickets and they glow.
Like the ones that are most likely to win glow the brightest.
And the ones that are least likely to win are dark.
And you have a thousand lottery tickets in front of you and you choose the darkest one.
You choose the one that is not going to win.
A woman's beauty is there so she can choose.
The most productive and best father for her children, and all of that.
So, your mother could choose anyone in the environment a hundred, if she's beautiful, a thousand young men.
So, then the question is with all of that choice, why did she choose so badly?
I was analyzing it, and my opinion could be that she somehow also tried to change her path because.
Also, her dad, like, at one time, even had a drinking problem.
So, I think she somehow tried to change.
Also, it's like generational trauma.
And then I found out this information was not a long time ago, and it blew my mind.
I like kept reading over and over.
It was like, finally, it makes some sense why we do what we do.
Why Mothers Choose Poorly00:03:45
Because before, it looked like I don't want to say destiny, but some kind of weird stuff that you want one thing and happen completely and never or terrible, even.
Okay.
Well, if I understand what you mean, you're saying that your mother chose badly because her mother chose badly.
Could be, but her mom died young, so she basically went on to take care of her brother and her dad later, even.
So she became like kind of really intense, like controlling also person like environment and everything.
And I feel in her a lot of anxiety, too, different kind of anxiety.
So I think it was the way how she survived.
That type and the kind of pattern for the rest of life.
Okay.
So if your mother chose badly because her mother chose badly, is that what your mother says or is that what you think?
I think it's more than I think.
We don't talk.
She considers life, she chose good.
But as I see, it doesn't feel that way.
It doesn't look like that way because if we're good, we will be in peace, could be happy.
Right.
Okay.
So, I don't believe that your mother chose badly because of her childhood.
Because if, I mean, we speak the language that we grow up with, right?
So if I grew up in Japan, I'd speak Japanese.
I grew up in England, so I speak English.
And that's kind of a fixed thing.
And so if you grow up in Japan and your parents speak Japanese, you're going to speak Japanese.
I mean, that's causal.
And I get that.
But I don't believe that we choose badly because our parents chose badly, because there are a lot of people in life.
Who say, well, my father drank alcohol, so I don't touch it.
I don't touch alcohol.
My father was an alcoholic.
I mean, Dr. Phil on TV in America, he's one of them, right?
So there are a lot of people.
Yeah, there are a lot of people who say that I don't do the bad things because my parents did the bad things.
And then there are some people who say, well, I'm an alcoholic because my father was an alcoholic and so on, right?
So there's a choice.
There is a choice.
You can't choose the language that you grow up with.
That's your parents' choice and where they choose to live and what they choose to speak to you and what they choose to teach you.
So you can't choose the language that you speak growing up, but you can choose the language that you learn when you're an adult.
Yes.
And if you have the example of a mother who chose badly, the question is, and it's a big Mystery, and I'm not immune from this.
I didn't have the best relationship in my 20s, so I'm not nagging anyone.
But it is a really interesting question that if we grow up with bad examples, we could as easily say, I'm not choosing the bad things, as say, well, that's why I choose the bad things.
Yeah, it's kind of, I mean, you create your own life, and I was reading like, Sartre, like, so he said, like, you feel like it's like you witness, but in the real way, you create that reality.
So I created that reality, but I didn't realize at the time that I'm creating this reality.
Breaking Cycles Of Abuse00:14:44
At the moment, I felt like I can move, it's happening.
It's not like I'm a willing person who do it.
It's like more like autopilot, maybe.
Sure.
Sure.
Well, I think that the difference is moral values.
Because if you had grown up with good, or if you had discovered or figured out good moral values, then you would say, my parents, I mean, would you say in the light of peaceful parenting, would you say that your parents were bad parents?
Well, I love them, so I can't say that.
Ah, there we go.
Yeah, there we go.
Well, that there.
Okay, so that's sorry.
I wasn't sure that was your perspective, but that's why you chose badly.
Yeah, I kind of, let me explain, I'm kind of believing God.
Like, before even I was going to church, but I stopped because after all this experience, I noticed it's like even church is like kind of manipulated.
It's like even this priest isn't a saint.
So, do you still love your parents?
Yes, I still love them.
Okay.
And what do you love about them?
I don't know, it's kind of funny.
Sorry, it's like I love them because they are my parents, and of course, with good moments, still not like all of them only fighting.
Well, if you can continue to love your parents, though they did you great harm and your sister by fighting and your father not being home, and also they did not stand firm in warning you against the controlling and eventually violent tattoo guy,
if you could continue, if you can continue to love your parents, then you should get back together with the father of your child because you can continue to love him as well.
No, I'm not.
I feel like I'm not.
No, no, no, no, you don't get to have that choice.
Yeah.
Because if you can continue to love bad parents and they're still in your life, of course, right?
You see them from time to time.
Yes.
Okay.
So if you can make yourself love people because of obligation, then you should get back together with the father of your child because having a two parent household is best for the children.
I mean, you know that, right?
And so, hang on, hang on.
Sorry, sorry.
I'll shut up in a second.
So, if you can love your parents, then why can't you love the father of your child?
Because you didn't choose your parents, you chose the father of your child.
So, why would you love people you never chose because of an obligation that is family, but not love the man that you did choose for the same reason?
Obligation to family.
I mean, it's like really was like destroying my soul, this relationship.
So I can't love a person who would destroy my soul, my, I mean, even naiveness, because I had kind of another kind of view to the world than now.
I feel like everywhere could be betrayed and stuff like that.
Okay, so hang on.
If you look over your whole life, and please understand, I'm not saying get back together with the father of your child.
I don't know.
I'm just pointing out this inconsistency, this difference.
Yes.
If you look at your life as a whole, who did more harm to you, your parents or your boyfriend?
I could say both.
Well, okay, let's put it this way who did more harm to you for longer?
Your parents or your boyfriend?
It's very hard to say parents, but basically we were modeling how everything should be and I now struggle a lot.
Okay, so your parents were still fighting into your 20s, right?
Yes.
Okay, so your parents modeled a hostile, aggressive, and I would imagine, though, if it's not true, obviously tell me, did they call each other names?
Not names exactly, but we're like insulting faces and disrespectful, like shouting, talking like a disrespectful way.
So for me, that's why it's a blind spot when somebody like talks, and I even don't realize that we are disrespectful until I see another people's eyes, like after that work meeting, then another container starts crying, and then I realize, oh, this one's disrespectful.
Okay, I need you to get to a quieter place.
It's tough to do a show with all of this background noise.
So, if somebody on a bus started shouting at you and using these horrible or disrespectful phrases, would you consider that abusive?
Yes.
Okay.
All right.
So, your parents were abusive to each other, which means that they were abusive to their children.
Yes.
Okay.
So, your parents were abusive to you for a quarter century, for 25 plus years.
Do they still fight?
Like you said, like we fight, but less because it's older.
We're older.
Okay.
So they're still fighting, and you're 37 years old.
Yes.
Okay.
So your parents have been destructive to your mind and sense of love and well being for 37 years.
You were with your boyfriend for five years, lived with him for four, right?
Yes.
Okay, it's just getting louder and louder.
I'm really trying to have a good conversation here.
I didn't plan to be outside, but the time difference between your place and mine changed.
Okay.
All right.
So your parents have been harmful to you for 37 years.
Your boyfriend was harmful to you for how long?
Well, five years later.
I left.
Well, oh, yes, because you said he was controlling in the first couple of years.
Of weeks, right?
Yeah.
Now, if your mother had sat you down and said, Listen, my dear, my child, I see the signs.
He is controlling, which means he will bully you.
And he comes from an unstable family.
And I have made my mistakes.
I don't want you to repeat them.
So you need to find a man from a good family who's genuinely kind, a tattoo artist.
Is not a good father for your future children.
And how old were you when you got together with the father of your child?
I was 24.
24.
Okay.
Got it.
So, I mean, old enough that you weren't like 19 or 18 or something like that.
So you're old enough to make better decisions.
And if your father had sat down and said, Listen, your mother and I fight a lot and you don't want a relationship where you fight a lot and this guy.
Is going to try to control you, which means you either have to give in and lose yourself or you have to fight him, which is very hard.
And so, if your parents had helped you out and told you the truth about your boyfriend with their additional years of wisdom, then it's likely that you would be happily married today and not a single mother.
Yes, it touched my heart because I will be like deeply passive.
They say that, but they say only part that.
It's like my choice, but no, like that, for example, my mother.
But it's like my choice.
So at that moment, I thought like I did the right choice, but obviously, man.
So your parents want to respect your choice, right?
Yeah.
Did you want your parents to be fighting every day when you were a child?
No.
Okay.
So they didn't care about your choice or your sister's choice when you were growing up, they didn't care at all about your choice.
Because you didn't want them to be fighting all the time, but they fought all the time.
So they don't care about your choice.
Let's be clear about that.
Yes, that moment, they didn't think about it.
We like to see things happen outside of their will.
Well, I'm not sure what nonsense they came up with to talk about it, but they certainly don't care about your choices and preference, because if they did, I mean, every parent has to look in the mirror and say, is what I'm doing good or bad for my child in the long run?
And your parents indulged in petty fighting at the expense of.
Of you and your sister's happiness when you had no control over the situation, no choice to leave, and never chose to be there at all.
So, this is what I'm trying to understand, and you know, please help me understand it is that your parents did far more harm to you than the father of your child.
But you love your parents and you left the father of your child.
So, help me understand.
Okay, when you were growing up, were you spanked?
You mean you?
Yes.
Yes.
Okay, and how often were you hit?
It was more in my early childhood, so I don't remember.
I only, basically, I don't remember a lot, so I remember like time to time, but don't remember.
Okay.
And do you know when you stopped being hit?
Maybe when I was eight, but it was sharp and continuous, like physical.
Yes, okay.
Now, if you hired a babysitter for your son and you came home and saw your babysitter hitting your son or your daughter, do you have a son or daughter?
A son.
Okay, so you come home and the babysitter is hitting your son, what would you feel?
Oh, of course, I would be scared and take off my child.
When he was born, I made myself run and be all the time with him as much as possible, and I did.
I mean, I all the time was with him.
He was like, I'm like a kangaroo.
I carry him in my pocket.
So I will try to be all the time, I'll let them be everywhere with him.
Okay.
How would you feel if you came home and saw the babysitter hitting your little boy?
At your moment, I take my kid and I say, What are you doing?
Go up.
I'm not sure if you're hearing what I'm saying because I know you're in a loud environment.
Am I asking you, what would you do?
No, I'm asking you, what would you feel?
Scary, of course.
Okay, would you feel angry?
Yes.
Okay.
Would you ever hire that babysitter again?
Never, ever.
Okay.
Your parents hit you and your sister for years and years and years when you were very little.
They yelled and insulted each other your whole life.
I ask you again, what do you love about your parents?
Love is how we feel when we are around virtuous, good, honest, kind, thoughtful, moral people.
That's love.
You wouldn't love a babysitter who hit your child once.
Yes.
But you love your parents who hit you hundreds of times, probably.
So help me understand.
Well, we take care of us.
I mean, we have things like food, my dresses, so it wasn't like.
I mean, left like neglected physical way.
I mean, but at the same time, it was huge anxiety.
And I, like I said, I don't remember a lot of things.
So, you love your parents because they gave you food and shelter?
Yeah, take care of what?
Well, they didn't take care of your soul because they hit you and fought and insulted each other all the time.
Yeah.
Now, let me ask you this if a woman was thrown in prison at a young age, unjustly, the police manufactured evidence against her for some reason and she was thrown in prison.
And it was immoral, it was wrong when she was little or small or young.
Let's say she was 18, 17 or 18.
And she was in prison for 10 years.
Should she love the prison for giving her food and shelter?
I mean, it's just like Stockholm Syndrome.
It's like you become.
No, no, love.
Love.
You said you love your parents.
You didn't say I have Stockholm Syndrome with my parents.
You said you love your parents.
So if a woman is unjustly imprisoned for 10 years, Should she get out and say, I love the prison because it gave me food and it gave me shelter?
No, it is what it is.
It's like you're in prison and it's terrible.
Okay.
Now, what if in the first couple of years of being in prison, she was also beaten?
Should she love the jailer for giving her?
Yeah.
Should she love the people in charge of the prison because they give her food and shelter even though they beat her?
No, of course not.
Stockholm Syndrome With Parents00:16:21
Okay.
So giving food and shelter is not enough for love.
I mean, if someone kidnaps a woman, he gives her food and shelter.
Should she love him?
No, of course not.
Of course not.
So when you say, I love my parents because they gave me food and shelter, that is not enough for love.
I mean, they had to do that because they were parents.
They had to give you food and shelter because if they hadn't given you food and shelter, What would have happened to them?
Why?
Well, they would have gone to jail.
Yeah.
So society forces them to give you food and shelter.
So they gave you food and shelter.
They didn't care that much about your happiness, or they would not have hit you, or certainly wouldn't have fought for 37 years or more.
So I ask again you can't use food and shelter.
What do you love and respect and treasure?
About your parents?
Great question.
I just like to have this feeling I love, but I cannot describe.
Well, if love can just happen and it doesn't need any virtues, why do you.
Okay, tell me why you don't love the father of your child.
I don't love because it's like too well, and obviously I feel like destroyed after it, and it's like destroying my soul.
It's like life becomes.
Okay, so hang on.
Can you tell me?
I mean, you said he got aggressive or violent near the end.
When you say that he destroyed your soul, what do you mean?
That's very poetic, and I'm not disagreeing with you, but I'm not sure what that means in practical terms.
Yeah, it means, I don't know, after you kind of change how you want, for me, it looks like people, I mean, could be.
Really scary and selfish and transactional, and even church looks like it could be faith, but it could be a crappy person.
So, it might exist like safety or like you say, victory looks like could be like by excites of human nature.
Okay, sorry, very abstract.
And I'm sorry to be interrupting.
Did he hit you?
He hit me one time, but second, I didn't allow.
I say, if you do it again, I will hopefully.
Okay, so he hit you once.
Did he hit your son?
He didn't hit, like he took up his.
Hair and I did the same on him.
I'm sorry, sorry.
It's a lot of background noise again.
You said he didn't hit your son.
Did he pull his hair?
Is that what you said?
Sorry, I didn't quite catch that.
Yeah, exactly.
He pulled his hair and I did the same on him and said, Did you like it?
Why do you do it on the kid?
I mean, I did like buffer myself.
I tried between my son and him.
I defend my kid.
I didn't allow it to happen on him.
Nothing bad.
Like I said, I was all the time with my kid for.
More as possible for nothing happening.
Okay, so sorry.
So he hit you once, but never again.
He didn't hit your son, but he pulled his hair.
Did he do that just once?
Or after you said, don't do it again, did he stop?
No, he didn't stop.
He tried more time, but I mean, I allowed him.
I tried to keep him away as possible.
Okay, so he hit you once.
He pulled your child's hair a few times.
Help me understand, and I'm not disagreeing with you, I just want to understand.
I mean, your father did much worse, right?
Yeah, he basically left whatever it was away and later came to nothing.
I didn't get any of that, sorry.
Sorry, I don't know how to explain.
I mean, my dad didn't hit me, but he left at home and didn't check on us.
Oh, so your father didn't hit you, but your mother hit you?
No.
Yes.
Okay.
But you got your boyfriend to stop pulling your son's hair.
So why didn't your father get your mother to stop hitting you?
I don't know.
For me, it's like Mr. Okay.
I don't know why I didn't.
So he hit you once, he pulled your son's hair a few times.
I don't understand how that destroyed your soul because your parents did far worse to you and you love them.
Well, I can't, I guess the feeling, but maybe I mean my child that opened for me this wound.
I like, like, was makeup, everything is okay, we have Christmas, everything is right.
Right, and you said with your parents that you love them because there are good times.
So why don't you love the.
I'm not saying that you should love your boyfriend, I don't know.
I'm questioning why.
You have two completely different moral standards.
One is that the father of your child cannot be aggressive to him in any way, but you were hit repeatedly up until the age of eight, and it's both of your parents who are responsible for that.
It's not like your father didn't hit you, so he's fine, but your mother did hit you, and so that's a problem because he married a woman and did not stop her from hitting you and knew that she was violent, I'm sure, pretty early on.
So, I'm trying to understand why your son is worth so much protection and you were not.
Why it's very bad for the father of your child to be aggressed against, but it's fine for your parents to aggress against you.
Why you throw out or toss out the father of your child for negative behaviors for a short period of time, and yet you love your parents who did far more negative behaviors for much longer.
Your boyfriend was bad for, what, a year or two?
Your parents were bad.
For eight years in terms of hitting and for 37 years in terms of fighting and calling names and being verbally abusive in front of the children, which is to be abusive towards the children.
I mean, if a father beats up a mother in front of the children, he's abusing the children even more so than he's abusing his wife because his wife at least chose to be there, the children, and the wife can leave at any time and with a lot of support from society, but the children didn't choose to be there and can't leave.
So beating up your wife in front of your children.
Is worse on the children and more immoral against the children than even against your wife.
And so when your parents were yelling at each other and calling each other these negative phrases, then this was terrible for their children, very abusive towards their children.
So that's what I'm trying to understand.
You love your parents, though they treated you very badly as a child.
And yet, if the father of your child does a few Negative things, harmful things, of course, I agree.
He's gone.
So, why do your parents get your love and the father of your child, who did much less wrong, gets your contempt?
Again, if there's something I'm not seeing, I'm happy to be corrected.
I don't know.
I mean, then I didn't have a child's legacy, but now I felt I want to protect this child and he's pure, he's nice, and I want to keep him innocent.
I want to keep him.
Like a child, I no longer be like, you know, Stranger Things is like an upside down world.
I feel my entire life like an upside down world.
And I no longer happen to my kids.
So as more I could, I always was there and protected.
Okay.
So if you allowed your boyfriend to beat your child or to hit your child for eight years when your child was very little, your son, would you be happy with yourself or unhappy with yourself?
Unhappy.
Okay.
Would you love yourself or have contempt for yourself if you allowed your child to be hit for eight years?
No, I never could allow myself to do that.
Okay.
So, your mother did allow all of this and allowed for the verbal abuse to be in the household, which harms the children, for 20 years?
Yeah, basically.
Okay, so can she love herself?
Yeah, definitely she can.
So if a person has done evil, I'll just say it straight up.
I'm not saying your mother is 100% evil.
I don't even know what that means.
But your mother did great evil and your father did great evil in how they raised you.
And you know that because your boyfriend did far less harm and he's gone and you have a lot of negative feelings towards him, right?
Yes.
Okay.
So, your parents did great evil in their lives and you love them.
And your boyfriend did less evil and you hate him or you feel negative towards him, right?
Yeah, I see him as a user.
He tried to be, but I didn't allow it.
So, I mean, I felt like a strong enemy to defend my kids and finally take off myself from that situation.
Right.
Okay.
So, why do you love?
People who did more evil and hate someone who did much less evil for much less time?
Good question.
I don't know.
I mean, I now start to analyze people who do evil, like they have bad sound, you just step right there, try and understand them, make them written up with more.
Okay, I need you to be closer to the microphone or less windy or something.
Thank you.
Yeah.
So.
Sorry, you're saying that.
Sorry.
You said that when you see people who do evil, You sympathize with their childhoods and you try to understand and analyze them and so on, right?
And not to judge them too harshly?
Yes.
I try to understand why things they do, why they do.
Okay, fantastic.
So, did your boyfriend have a good and happy childhood?
Oh, terrible.
It was like 10 times worse than mine.
Okay.
So, the father of your son had a terrible childhood.
So, why wouldn't you try to have sympathy with him?
And analyze him in the way that you do with other people who had bad childhoods.
I did.
I mean, I analyzed.
I thought if I mean, I show love, I will try it different.
I mean, maybe it'll be different outcome.
Well, but you've been doing, hang on, but you've been doing this with your parents for decades, understanding them and analyzing them, and you love them.
Yeah, I mean, like, I'm not trying to explain why they behave like that.
Does your son want his father around?
No, he doesn't feel comfortable.
Okay, and I can't hear you.
I don't know how to have this conversation if I can't hear you.
I don't know why the sound is getting better or worse.
So, why doesn't your son want his father in his life?
No, he doesn't.
Yeah, but why?
He feels uncomfortable.
I mean, he feels intense.
I mean, he can have a conversation, but Not feel comfortable.
Why is he uncomfortable with his father?
Because he also likes controlling him, asking where you are, what are you doing, and he feels uncomfortable.
Okay, and have you spoken negatively of your boyfriend to your son?
I mean, I explained him why we broke up, but I mean, child friendly way, not like to scare him, but explain that not everything was okay, that's why, and I also.
Always try and protect him.
So maybe that energy, even on myself, he can feel it that something is off.
Okay, so you said to your son that you broke up with his father because you needed to protect your son.
I mean, I told him that he wasn't nice to us and behaved badly.
I mean, not okay that should people be in this situation.
So I explained that part, but I didn't want to make him too much scary or something.
So Explain the history.
Okay.
And how often does your son see his father, if at all?
Not much, because he lives in another country and basically only calls and then his father runs.
So, for example, he appears and it's like, I won't talk right now, but I mean, I fixed even this part.
I mean, if you talk, then your kid is comfortable, not like when he wants, so only call.
And why is his father in a different country?
He prepared that way.
He moved there and have his life there.
And I feel also comfortable that he's in another country.
I don't want to live here, so I'm okay.
Okay.
So how often was your boyfriend seeing his son before he moved away?
Not much, too.
It's like once a year.
Oh, once a year?
Yes.
Okay.
And when you broke up, did he stop seeing his son right away?
He tried to call, like often, also like ask, but it's like not the curious way, like what are you doing, but more like controlling way.
What are you doing?
Where are you?
And it was like not genuine care.
So, time by time, I like if you are nice, you can talk.
If you are not nice, better call another time.
So, start call less.
But I'm not against that, don't talk.
But I mean, if you are nice, you talk nice, you can talk.
But if you like make pressure, and I mean, like now when I say see, I'm able to make boundary.
Okay.
I feel like I can, but now I say can't.
So, if your son asks you, Mommy, why did you choose a bad man to be my father, what would you say?
Like, usually people would say, I did a bad choice.
Yes, but why?
I don't know.
That moment I thought is like a good choice, but not.
Okay, so you were together with this man for five years, living with him for four.
And so, what you're saying to your son is, how long were you with your boyfriend when you got pregnant?
One year.
Oh, you were with him for a year.
So, you got pregnant after you'd known him for a year?
Seeking Unconditional Love For Son00:11:51
Yeah.
Okay.
And did you think, I mean, you must have moved in with him and been with him for the next four years because you thought the relationship could work out?
Yeah.
Okay.
So, what you're saying to your son is that you can be in love with someone.
They can seem like a good person.
You can move in with them and have a child with them, and you can be with them for four years.
So you can be with that person for half a decade before realizing that they're a bad person and you can't live with them.
And what do you think that is going to do to your son's belief in love?
I really wish that he could have not a distorted view of love, but I probably think.
He could because I learned him that people can be good, can be bad, but it's like you tolerate both.
Well, and you kind of lied in this last little bit, and it's not a big condemnation, I'm just sort of pointing it out, because you said that you would say to your son that you thought his father was a good person, but it turned out after five years he wasn't, right?
But you knew in the first couple of weeks that he was controlling, and you also knew that he was a tattoo artist, which is not.
A big plus in terms of moral character.
I mean, tattoo artists hurt people and scar people for a living.
Well, I mean, I don't know which choice is better, like saying accept people who we are, but if you accept, you can end up like that.
So, no.
It's tough.
I mean, I'm looking at your parenting down the road because most women, if they have a child with a bad man, they have a defense and they say, I didn't know he was a bad man for five years or three years or a year or something like that.
But it's not true.
It's not true.
And what it does to children is it makes them very afraid of falling in love.
Because if your son falls in love, he's like, oh, I want to give my heart to this person.
She seems like a good person.
But according to what my mom says, she could turn out to be a really bad person years down the road.
And there's no way to know ahead of time.
So he can't fall in love.
He can't.
So I think I'm still on time.
So your advice will be like, tell straight away.
I'm like, so like that, or he have better, I mean, view of life.
Well, and also your son is going to grow up and he's going to say, Tell me about your childhood, because you talk about childhoods and you talk about how people start in life and what effect it has on them.
And he's going to find out, if you're honest, about how bad your parents were, right?
Yeah.
And then he's going to say, Why do you love your parents?
And kicked out daddy because it doesn't seem like daddy was as bad as your parents.
Yeah, now I get it.
Yeah, I really wish I mean, it was a better outcome than mine.
But it looks like repeating, America, not sweating.
Well, it's tough.
And I think one of the reasons that you claim to love your parents is you want unconditional love from your son.
You give unconditional love to your parents because you want unconditional love from your son.
Yeah, I want it.
Is it fair to ask for unconditional love from your son when you did not give unconditional love to his father?
No.
It's not.
Yeah.
Is it healthy for your son to grow up with the idea of unconditional love when he's growing up in a single mother household because his mother did not practice unconditional love, but in fact has had a lot of contempt and hostility to his father?
Because if unconditional love is good, then you should love the father of your son who you chose.
If unconditional love is bad, then you can't love your parents.
This is the contradiction or the paradox that I'm trying to unravel here.
So tell me this Is it good or bad to have unconditional love?
No, it's bad.
I mean, bring to a haunted house, I don't want to.
Okay.
So if it's bad to have unconditional love and your parents did you the most harm of anyone, Why do you love your parents?
Or is it right or good to love your parents?
It's like right to love them.
I'm sorry?
I mean, it's right to love.
It's right to love your parents.
Okay, so then unconditional love is good?
No.
So if unconditional love is good, why is the father gone?
Because he behaved really bad and destructive.
Yes.
Were your parents bad and destructive when you were a child?
Yes.
Have they apologized for that and taken responsibility and gone to therapy or done whatever they need to do?
To be better.
No.
Okay.
So, why are your parents loved and the father of your child that you chose, why is he driven away?
For bad behavior, I mean, for unthrobbed behavior.
Okay, but your parents still have bad behavior because they still fight, although less than before, right?
But only because they're tired, not because they became better people.
The purpose of parenting is to teach your children how to love morally because you want your child to have a happy life.
You want your child to have a better life than you did, as I want my child to have a better life than I had when I was growing up.
And so, if you teach your son to love without any judgment, to just fall in love and not to have any judgment, and to love no matter what the other person has done, will that be good for him?
No, of course not.
It's terrible.
Okay.
But you're modeling that with your parents.
Yeah, I understand now.
So, basically, that's the answer I'm looking for.
I think so.
I think the boundaries need to be with your parents.
My suggestion has always been to sit down with your parents and have an honest conversation, maybe get your sister involved so it's not just you.
Have an honest conversation about some of the negative things they did when you were growing up.
That they did not model love in a healthy way and that they did not protect you, which is their job, from a pretty bad decision, I think, which was to get involved with the tattoo artist, right?
Yeah.
So they did not protect you.
They did not help you.
And they modeled bad relationships and they fought all the time, which was very stressful for you as a child.
And they used horrible phrases with each other, which was very destructive to you as a child.
And they have not admitted fault.
And I'll tell you why they fought.
I guess we can end on this.
Do you want to know why your parents fought?
Why?
Well, you are a Christian woman.
Do I have that correct?
Yes.
Okay.
Your parents got together.
For the sin of lust.
Right?
I don't know much about your father, but you say your mother was beautiful.
And so your father got together with your mother because of lust.
Now, lust is short term.
So you get together, you get married, you have children based upon mere physical attraction.
And then you end up stuck together because you have kids and you're married.
Yeah.
And sorry, for how long have you been a Christian?
All my life, basically, I had in studios a teacher who said a really interesting thing that when you don't have or have absent father, your father knew is like God.
So, probably that's why I believe in God all my life.
I mean, since I was a child.
Sorry, you've been a Christian your whole life?
Yes.
Why were you fornicating?
Oh, what means?
Oh, sorry.
You had sex before marriage.
I mean, we were planning to marry first thing, and second thing, It's kind of, I mean, I did what another person wanted in that moment.
I was like, oh, no, Come on.
Christianity isn't do what other people want if they want you to sin.
There's nothing in the Bible that says if a sinner wants you to sin, you should sin with him.
Yeah.
Why did you have sex before marriage?
Why did you move in without requiring marriage?
Why did you sin if you're a Christian?
And it wasn't just a one time thing, this was repeatedly.
Or are you not a Christian who takes things very seriously?
Are your parents, sorry, are your parents Christians?
Not much.
I mean, like in theory, but I mean, I myself not like that strict Christian, like super strict, but I mean, I believe in that.
Hang on.
What do you mean, super strict?
Does the Bible say don't have sex before marriage?
Yeah, no, I get it.
No, I'm sorry.
I'm not trying to be a finger wagging guy.
I'm not trying to nag you.
Does the Bible say don't live with a man?
But rather get married.
I mean, when we live, I give him like rules.
I say, if I live with you, I want to marry, and we were engaged.
But when I saw him, I mean, it's too much.
I believe it's a marriage until finally I just leave him.
I was myself kind of declined.
He was like, could marry me tomorrow, but I myself keep distance because I felt something is off.
So, yeah, I felt like.
Dangerous, but at the same time, like something too much.
So, and you're raising your son to be a Christian, is that right?
No, I mean, after all this experience, I mean, I believe in God.
You're still a Christian?
No, I'm not Christian then.
And that way, I mean, I don't go to church anymore.
I feel kind of this institution, general, like fake.
So, I believe in God, but my own God.
Okay.
So, sorry, you said I've been a Christian my whole life, but you're not a Christian now?
No, then, yeah, if you like, do what the Bible says, no, no more.
Okay, so, but you were a Christian in your 20s?
Yeah, I was.
Okay, so, I mean, it's kind of easy then, right?
If your son says, Why did you choose a bad man to be my father?
You said, Because I sinned.
Because I believed in these morals, but I didn't follow them.
I did kind of the opposite of what I thought was the good.
And, you know, that's.
That's easier because then if you say, Well, I had a bad relationship because I sinned, then if he finds a woman who doesn't sin, he can trust her, right?
Yeah, okay, so so that's that's easier and and better, okay?
So, sorry, that was just a little little side quest there.
I just wanted to uh to understand that.
Lust Versus Character In Marriage00:09:07
So, the reason why your parents fought is because they were sinners because they got together on the basis of lust now.
According to Christianity, should you marry for lust?
No, of course.
No, you should marry.
What should you look for to marry?
Like you always say, virtue, you look like.
Virtue, okay.
So, your husband, sorry, your boyfriend was not virtuous, right?
No, obviously not.
Okay.
Well, you knew that in the first couple of weeks.
So, your parents got together.
For lust, for sexual attraction.
And then they got stuck together.
You know, the devil gives you what you want in the short run, but takes everything from you in the long run.
So the devil allowed your parents, in a way, to get together and to satisfy their lust.
And then they were stuck with each other and they didn't like each other because they weren't good people.
And so they get the heaven together of a couple of months of.
Hot sex or whatever, right?
And that's the drug.
And that's what the devil offers them.
You can satisfy the lusts of your body for a couple of months.
Maybe six months, whatever, right?
And then you're stuck together after six months for the next 60 years.
You're chained together in your sin, in your lust, in your fornication.
And so your parents fought because they were sinners who were stuck together because they got together out of lust rather than admiration of virtue.
And therefore, when you get together for lust, you get a short amount of sex.
And then in the long run, you get a lot of fighting and not much sex at all.
So you get six months or a couple of months of hot sex, and you hold your nose because you're only having sex with the person's body.
You're treating them as an object, as a thing to satisfy your lust.
And then when you wake up, as people always do, you wake up from that sexual haze, that sexual coma, that sexual delirium.
You wake up and you're chained to each other in hell.
And that's a lot of people's relationships.
And that's why they fought.
And you got together with the tattoo guy for lust.
And you had sex together because of lust, but you didn't like each other as people.
So then what you do is you say, oh, man, I'm chained together with this person I don't like because of lust.
So what I'm going to do is I'm going to fix them.
So I'm going to turn them into someone I could love when I chose them.
Out of lust.
And your parents have been trying that for 50 or 60 years.
You tried that for half a decade, and it doesn't work.
Because what you should say is, Do I respect this person morally?
And everyone knows that.
I'm not, you know, the funny thing is that a lot of what I say, everybody knows already.
I don't claim particular originality in the realm of moral philosophy to say that.
You should get together with someone because they're a good person, right?
Because you choose your partner based upon how good a parent they're going to be to your future children, because that's what love and partnership and pair bonding is all about raising children.
So when I say you should marry a person based on virtue, not based on physical attraction, everybody knows that this goes way back even before the Bible.
This is, you know, choose a person for qualities of character.
I mean, even in the Bible, it says it's better to live in a corner of the roof in the rain.
Than in a house with a contentious woman, with a nagging wife.
And so we should choose people based upon the qualities of their character and their virtue and their goodness and their kindness and their thoughtfulness and their moral strength.
That's why we should choose people.
And everyone says, yeah, yeah, yeah, but she's hot, she's pretty, he's tall, he's whatever, right?
He makes my nether regions tickle, right?
He gets me sexually excited, he gets me hot and bothered.
And then we.
We get together like animals and then we wonder why we don't have sustainable love.
So, your parents fell prey to the sin of lust.
And it sounds like, given that this man was a bad man at the beginning, like he was controlling within the first couple of weeks, but you stayed with him for five years, then you stayed with him for reasons of lust.
And you don't want your son to do the same thing.
And so, your parents I mean, what are your parents going to say to you?
You should choose your husband or your wife.
Based upon the quality of character, when they don't have any quality of character.
In fact, they sound like pretty horrible people.
That if they were sitting next to me at a restaurant, this is one of my big tests.
If I was sitting next to your parents when they were fighting at a restaurant, I would get my food to go.
Or I would ask to move tables because I hate being around that kind of bitter, negative, horrible squabbling.
So your parents fought because they don't like each other and they only got together because of lust because lust is easier than virtue.
Wanting to have sex with someone is a whole lot easier than being a good person.
Just like.
Taking cocaine is easier than being a good person because cocaine makes you happy.
Being a good person makes you happy, but it's a tough thing to do.
And so your parents are together because of lust and they are now in the prison.
They're stuck with each other because they chose because of lust.
Now you broke out of the prison, but I still don't know if you know why you got into the prison.
You got into the prison because you chose someone based upon a standard other than virtue.
Now, you are a young woman, 37, youngish, and so going forward in your life, you said you want boundaries.
Well, the only boundary that matters is virtue.
The only standard that matters is virtue.
And you need to be virtuous and you need to have virtuous people in your life.
And you certainly need to have virtuous people in your son's life, if that makes any sense.
Yeah, it makes a lot of sense.
I wanted to ask you how to get out of hell.
I mean, look like I entertained that ultimate.
Well, the only way to get out of hell is to be brutally honest with yourself.
And I say this, it was difficult for me as well, so I say this with great sympathy.
You have to stop being a victim.
If you are a victim, you can't have any boundaries because you have self pity and you feel hard done by and you feel wronged.
You chose this man and you were in your mid 20s when you chose him, so you weren't a kid.
You had the example of your parents' bad marriage, and you just have to be ruthlessly honest with yourself and say, Why did I choose this person?
And the answer almost always is lust.
And that is a sin because you're unhappy and your child is growing up without a father.
Now, that's not some endless disaster or anything like that because it's never too late to choose virtue.
I want you to, my mom repeated over and over.
Okay.
Then you also have to have an honest conversation, in my view, with your parents.
And say, look, guys, you did some bad things when I was growing up, and it had a negative effect on me.
And have a conversation with them about the bad things that happened.
Because, of course, if you don't know or understand about the bad things that your parents did when you were growing up, you're more likely to repeat them.
Now, it may be difficult, of course, because as a single mother, I assume that your parents are quite important in raising your son.
Yes.
Right.
I tried to talk with my mom and she just said, How dare you?
But I mean, I really like one day if they ask why I do things, I do explain.
Okay, well, if you're dependent upon your parents to raise your son at the moment, then maybe it's not wise to have an honest conversation with them as long as you're sure that they're not harming your son.
Because if they were bad parents themselves and they haven't apologized or made Anything better, then it seems quite likely that they also might do negative things towards your son.
Protecting The Child From Harm00:01:00
Not consciously, maybe not in the same way, but that would be my concern.
And I don't know, of course, how to solve that.
But I think you just have to be honest.
If you can't have an honest conversation with your parents, and if your parents won't take any responsibility for their negative actions, then, I mean, maybe you still need them because you need someone to look after your son.
But I wouldn't go around saying, oh, but I love them.
They're such wonderful, moral people, and so on, right?
That would be my suggestion.
Okay, thank you.
I really have deep insight.
And of course, I just.
New young stuff.
Don't repeat it.
And I really want my son to have better challenges.
Good stuff.
All right.
Well, listen, I appreciate the conversation.
And I just wanted to express my deep sympathies for what happened as a child to you.
And I certainly wish you the very best.
And please feel free to let me know how things are going.