Freedomain Radio - Stefan Molyneux - 14 Years on DRUGS! CALL IN SHOW
Aired: 2026-04-20
Duration: 01:37:52


=== Substituting Marijuana for Jesus (04:26) ===

[00:00:00]  All righty, ready.
[00:00:00]  Hello.
[00:00:01]  Stefan, how are you?
[00:00:02]  How's it going?
[00:00:03]  Good.
[00:00:04]  How are you doing?
[00:00:04]  Great.
[00:00:04]  Thank you.
[00:00:04]  I'm grateful you're taking the time to speak with me.
[00:00:07]  It's my pleasure.
[00:00:08]  Happy to help.
[00:00:10]  If you actually, I'm going to turn off your video.
[00:00:14]  It's not moving anyway, and it probably just takes up bandwidth.
[00:00:18]  So if you want to turn off your video, I am happy to chat.
[00:00:23]  If I remember rightly, this is a public call, and it was not the lengthiest introduction I've heard.
[00:00:29]  So if you would like to.
[00:00:32]  Tell me what's on your mind.
[00:00:34]  I would be happy to put my brain to use for you.
[00:00:37]  Awesome.
[00:00:37]  So let's see.
[00:00:39]  So I'm 31.
[00:00:41]  I am still living at home with my parents after moving back in 2022.
[00:00:50]  I think the biggest things that I'm looking for here in our call are talking about my job situation and any general advice you have for that, relationship, dating advice, and then just general advice that you hear kind of comes up throughout the call.
[00:01:06]  Just a little more context.
[00:01:07]  I got sober five months ago from a long term marijuana addiction, and praise God for that.
[00:01:13]  I've been leaning more into Christianity as kind of a, it's almost like I substituted out marijuana for Jesus.
[00:01:21]  But I have some concerns there just based on listening to some of your stuff regarding Christianity and the fact that it's kind of an argument from authority.
[00:01:33]  And there's some, I have some long term concerns there, but it's been a great way for me to find community.
[00:01:39]  Um, and lean in that way.
[00:01:41]  So that's been great.
[00:01:42]  Um, And then my, no, I already mentioned my living situation.
[00:01:47]  So feel free to ask any follow up questions.
[00:01:50]  I'm happy to give, I'm an open book.
[00:01:51]  I'm happy to give any intel that I can that kind of helps give you the context that you need.
[00:01:57]  Still, I'm looking for what would be considered the most successful outcome of this conversation for you.
[00:02:04]  I think for me, I'm feeling a lot of paralysis, really specifically on the job front.
[00:02:08]  I think if we could talk through some of the, Maybe some of the past work that I've done, some of the other things that I've considered, and then maybe a good direction to kind of head in going towards the future.
[00:02:25]  I think that would be the most valuable outcome for me.
[00:02:29]  A good direction towards going to the future.
[00:02:31]  Can you try to be just a tad more specific about what it is that you would do?
[00:02:36]  Sure.
[00:02:36]  Yeah.
[00:02:36]  I want to make sure that I'm going to give you what's the most helpful.
[00:02:40]  Yeah.
[00:02:41]  So I think for me, I'm looking for, I think I, every time I think of an idea or every time I think of, and maybe again, A lot of our call may be more kind of digging into the internal monologue that I'm kind of having, where I think of an idea vocation or career wise, and then it's almost like I feel like I flip flop a couple hours later and I kind of think of some reason to not go that route or some reason that maybe it's not a good option.
[00:03:08]  And I feel like there's this kind of paralysis that's happening where previously I was a soccer coach when I graduated from college and did it at the collegiate level and then did some youth stuff as well.
[00:03:20]  And then Pivoted away from that, went and did some AutoCAD stuff, did some 3D modeling, and then that didn't feel like the right fit either.
[00:03:30]  Tried a bunch of retail positions, tried a bunch of other smaller options.
[00:03:35]  But I think for me, I'm looking for how to figure out a path forward with a position or a path where I'll be able to be a good father, a good husband for my future family, and obviously be able to provide on that level, as well as have authorship and ownership over what I'm doing.
[00:03:55]  Hopefully, I think again, part of me wants to be entrepreneurial, but I don't have, I feel like I'm missing something in my skill stack to actually be able to head that direction.
[00:04:06]  So, therefore, I feel a little bit handcuffed that maybe I'll have to go back into the corporate world, which I don't really want to do, or be stuck on those kind of ladders where you're babysitting a desk or you're kind of chained to these other authority structures that don't really care about you.
[00:04:25]  Yeah.

=== Childhood Neglect and Rage (11:24) ===

[00:04:26]  Okay.
[00:04:26]  Tell me a little bit about your addiction history.
[00:04:29]  So, I, let's see, my addiction with marijuana started when I was a junior in high school.
[00:04:38]  So, I was 17 years old and it was really only marijuana.
[00:04:45]  Never really had any interest in alcohol.
[00:04:48]  My mother's an alcoholic.
[00:04:49]  My dad is arguably an alcoholic as well.
[00:04:51]  And that genetically heads up the chain.
[00:04:54]  So, all four of my grandparents, I think I could make the argument, are all alcoholics as well.
[00:04:59]  But back to my history, the marijuana addiction started at 17 and lasted.
[00:05:06]  It was one of those 24 7, smoke marijuana before anything you do.
[00:05:11]  It's almost like the prerequisite for anything.
[00:05:14]  It was almost the, you know, in some ways, like there was a form of idolatry there.
[00:05:17]  There's a form of that was kind of the God I was serving.
[00:05:20]  And up until five months ago, and I think for a long time, I knew I needed to stop.
[00:05:26]  I knew it wasn't healthy.
[00:05:27]  And obviously now in hindsight, the path was clearly a lot of decline, a lot of.
[00:05:33]  There was not a lot of positivity surrounded or a lot of good forward progress with that habit going on.
[00:05:40]  And then up it.
[00:05:40]  So basically from 17 to, again, I'm 31 now.
[00:05:45]  And that just stopped five months ago.
[00:05:49]  And how did you get into it in the first place?
[00:05:51]  Good question.
[00:05:53]  I think it was just a social thing.
[00:05:55]  Oh, yeah.
[00:05:55]  It was definitely more of a social thing.
[00:05:57]  I remember my freshman and sophomore years of high school.
[00:06:01]  I think the first time I ever smoked marijuana was eighth grade.
[00:06:04]  And then.
[00:06:05]  Decided based on the soccer career that I was having, where I was somewhat successful for a youth player and I was kind of doing well there and was being told, you know, oh, well, you have potential to be a professional or you have potential to play at a high level, let's just say.
[00:06:21]  It actually allowed me to find some good direction there.
[00:06:25]  So, from ninth and 10th grade, my freshman and sophomore year of high school, I was actually completely sober.
[00:06:31]  As I transferred high school, as my sophomore year of high school, To a private school.
[00:06:38]  I think I was dealing with some bullying issues and there were some social issues at the public high school that I was at.
[00:06:43]  My parents decided that it was best.
[00:06:45]  And I agreed.
[00:06:48]  It was definitely more of their decision, but they framed it like it was my decision.
[00:06:53]  And I think it was, even though I was still a kid.
[00:06:56]  I basically ended up going to a private high school with a bunch of guys that I played soccer with.
[00:07:01]  But by my junior year, it was a massive part of our entire social group.
[00:07:06]  The reasons for gatherings and so on were.
[00:07:08]  To basically have everybody get together and smoke marijuana as a big group.
[00:07:13]  Okay.
[00:07:13]  And did your parents know?
[00:07:14]  Yes.
[00:07:15]  Yeah.
[00:07:15]  My, the very, well, how would the best way to describe it?
[00:07:19]  My parents are very liberal, very, very hippie minded.
[00:07:23]  My mother actually still smokes marijuana now.
[00:07:25]  She didn't for a long time because there was a legality piece of it.
[00:07:28]  And she, again, has an alcoholism issue.
[00:07:30]  So I think alcoholism was filling a bit of the void and it still obviously exists.
[00:07:36]  But she, more recently, actually, really, since I, Kind of stopped, or maybe a little bit before that, she started smoking marijuana again.
[00:07:43]  So, my parents are very open to it, especially as the social stigma changed.
[00:07:50]  They were seeing it more, I think, as a medicine, but there was no intervention there.
[00:07:58]  They were very much like, well, as long as you're in control of it, then that's okay.
[00:08:04]  And it's like, again, for me in hindsight, it's very clear I was never in control of it.
[00:08:08]  It was always in control of me and had me in a death grip.
[00:08:12]  So, yeah, they were very aware.
[00:08:14]  And did they have any concerns about you getting into marijuana at 17?
[00:08:17]  No.
[00:08:19]  What do you think of that?
[00:08:21]  I think their parenting philosophy was, well, if you're, you know, was, was, we'll say it was a long leash.
[00:08:35]  But I think now that I've gotten older, and I've actually talked with my sister about this as well, and she recognized this a lot sooner than I did, there was a lot of neglect going on from my parents.
[00:08:47]  So then as I've gotten older, I've realized, I think, Although it would have been difficult for them, and I'm sure I would have probably fought against it, intervention would have been significantly more helpful towards my future.
[00:09:04]  But that never occurred.
[00:09:06]  And do you have siblings?
[00:09:08]  Yeah, one older sister.
[00:09:10]  Okay.
[00:09:12]  And tell me a little bit about your early childhood.
[00:09:15]  Yeah, so I was the number one thing that I, well, so I was bullied a lot in school by one guy who considered me his best friend.
[00:09:25]  It was one of those weird social relationships where he used kind of me as the stepping stool to make himself cooler.
[00:09:35]  That went on from, let's see, fourth to ninth grade.
[00:09:40]  That was the primary reason my parents pulled me out of that public high school and moved into a private high school.
[00:09:46]  I played a ton of soccer, like almost seven days a week worth.
[00:09:52]  And my sister was a high level gymnast, and both my parents worked corporate jobs.
[00:09:56]  My mother.
[00:09:57]  Out of a home office primarily.
[00:10:00]  My father, I think at that point in my early childhood, was out of a home office, but still it was kind of if you went to see them during the day, it was like, hey, I'm on a call or hey, I'm busy.
[00:10:13]  And we were thrown into a ton of recreational activities.
[00:10:17]  And almost in some ways, the parenting aspect was exported to the people who ran those activities.
[00:10:23]  So for me, it was multiple soccer teams.
[00:10:25]  I did some karate as well.
[00:10:27]  For my sister, it was gymnastics.
[00:10:29]  She was, you know, she actually ended up having, I think it was two stress fractures in her back by the time she was a young teenager, just from how intense and rigorous the program she was a part of was.
[00:10:42]  So we were throwing the sports.
[00:10:43]  That was kind of in recreational activities as a way to, I guess, teach us about the world in a lot of ways.
[00:10:51]  And your parents sound like fairly loosey goosey.
[00:10:54]  Did they have any particular rules?
[00:10:56]  Was there any punishment or anything like that?
[00:10:58]  So there could have been, yes, or there was, but it was more so you, there were like these no go zones, right?
[00:11:10]  So we did.
[00:11:10]  So my dad used to smoke cigarettes.
[00:11:13]  Like that was a no go zone.
[00:11:14]  You didn't ask dad to stop smoking.
[00:11:15]  You didn't ask dad to quit smoking.
[00:11:16]  Or you had never, I mean, we never really talked about my dad's drinking, but I guess it was never really highlighted as much as my mom's.
[00:11:22]  The no go zone for my mother would be you never talk about mom's drinking.
[00:11:26]  The repercussions of those things would be my mother was never really abusive.
[00:11:33]  She was just, again, more unreliable in the sense, or even incoherent at times, especially as I aged and started to recognize what was happening in front of me with her alcoholism.
[00:11:44]  My father, it was like, basically, don't set off the bear.
[00:11:50]  And it was unpredictable.
[00:11:51]  It was like the punishment would be basically him exploding.
[00:11:55]  But from a grounding standpoint, no.
[00:11:57]  I don't really remember getting spanked at all by them.
[00:12:00]  I think I got spanked by a nanny once.
[00:12:02]  Oh, I should have mentioned that too.
[00:12:04]  I was raised with a nanny until I was 11.
[00:12:08]  So both my parents could, you know, they were working full time and the nanny was basically a full time living nanny.
[00:12:15]  But I think I was spanked by a nanny once and that was a no go.
[00:12:19]  And then there was, again, maybe verbal abuse and again, neglect.
[00:12:26]  Maybe my dad grabbed me by the scruff of the neck of my collar.
[00:12:28]  I can remember that once, but, No physical abuse outside of, you know, in terms of something that, you know, if somebody external to our family had heard about it, they could have, you know, gotten authorities involved, nothing like that.
[00:12:42]  And again, it was this big posturing to externally to maintain like a certain facade, whereas internally the relationships weren't being well handled.
[00:12:52]  Okay, got it.
[00:12:53]  And do your parents, I mean, if you were to talk to your parents and maybe you have about the deficiencies that you experienced in their parenting, what would you say?
[00:13:05]  It's a good question.
[00:13:06]  I don't think I really have much.
[00:13:08]  I think, again, like even with my mother's alcoholism, I still, as a 31 year old, can basically barely talk with my dad about it.
[00:13:15]  There's a certain level of denial there, or just an I don't really want to go there.
[00:13:20]  And I think that kind of spreads out to these longer or these bigger issues.
[00:13:24]  So I don't think I've ever really discussed it with them.
[00:13:26]  I'm not sure.
[00:13:29]  I think one of the biggest issues I see in their relationship that then spreads to the trauma that I've dealt with is.
[00:13:35]  Their inability to emotionally regulate with one another makes it very tough for them to have difficult conversations, which I also have inherited as a product of seeing that in their relationship.
[00:13:46]  So, to give a somewhat dramatic example, but this is factual, not this past February, but February of 2025, my dad and I, and again, my worldview from theirs is like totally different.
[00:14:02]  You know, again, they're very liberal.
[00:14:04]  I'm very far right wing conservative.
[00:14:06]  You could even call me white nationalist.
[00:14:09]  So, there's a certain gap in terms of what we can discuss.
[00:14:13]  The gap is almost too large to bridge.
[00:14:15]  And again, this inability.
[00:14:16]  So, my dad and I in February of 25 are having a somewhat like tamed conversation about the stock market or something, again, that was that just should not have been an emotionally disturbing issue.
[00:14:29]  And then somehow it just led to this again, the gap became very clear and we ended up screaming at each other.
[00:14:37]  And I ended up with my hand around his throat.
[00:14:41]  And then it's interesting as once I realized kind of what I had done and that my hand was around his throat, I essentially like it felt like I was a five year old again.
[00:14:51]  I turned and like ran back to my bedroom that I stay in in their house, closed the door and locked the door.
[00:14:58]  And he basically came to try and come in the room and was telling me how out of control that I was while he's literally out of control.
[00:15:06]  And then I basically, and I don't, I think one of the things I did as a kid to kind of express emotion or to show that I was really mad at.
[00:15:13]  Certain things was I would punch holes in walls or I'd punch things.
[00:15:16]  And there was a mirror on the back of my door, and I blasted my fist through it a couple of times and, you know, drew blood and thought I was going to have to go to the hospital.
[00:15:26]  Yeah, that just kind of gives, I guess, a sense of perspective of the inability of myself and my parents to have difficult conversations, especially when there's a personal attack, or there's a certain amount that they, you know, it's more important to be right than it is to actually be caring and sympathetic or any of those things.
[00:15:49]  So I'll stop there.

=== Struggling with Constructive Criticism (04:30) ===

[00:15:51]  Okay.
[00:15:52]  Do you understand how dizzying your communication is?
[00:15:55]  Yes, I could understand that, sure.
[00:15:58]  Okay, so tell me a little bit about what that means to you.
[00:16:01]  And you're talking about my personal communication.
[00:16:04]  I'm not sure what other kind of communication I would be talking about.
[00:16:07]  Fair enough.
[00:16:08]  I mean, because I'm talking about your communication with me.
[00:16:11]  Fair enough.
[00:16:12]  Just wanted to make sure.
[00:16:14]  Yeah, I can be really long winded.
[00:16:19]  I can jump all over the place.
[00:16:22]  Maybe at times I even can speak really abstractly.
[00:16:25]  But yes, that is definitely an issue that I have for sure.
[00:16:30]  Okay, and how long have you listened to what I do?
[00:16:32]  Probably, I was trying to remember at least since I moved home in 2022, but I think actually it's probably closer to maybe since COVID.
[00:16:42]  So almost seven or eight years, I would say six, seven, eight years.
[00:16:46]  Okay.
[00:16:47]  And what advice have I given people that you've heard over the years about challenges with their parents?
[00:16:56]  To try and speak with them about it.
[00:17:03]  I guess, unless it would cause you physical harm or put somebody in danger.
[00:17:09]  And then also, that if that is not a feasible route to cut off contact with them.
[00:17:15]  Okay.
[00:17:16]  And have you had any of those conversations directly?
[00:17:21]  No.
[00:17:23]  No.
[00:17:23]  I would say, if anything, it's been abstract, it has not been direct.
[00:17:27]  Okay.
[00:17:27]  So, do you disagree with my advice?
[00:17:30]  Which, of course, it's perfectly fine.
[00:17:31]  I'm just curious.
[00:17:33]  No, I don't think so.
[00:17:35]  So, if you don't disagree with the advice, do you think it's useful or helpful advice to be honest with your family?
[00:17:42]  I could see value to it, but I guess my initial feeling and reaction is that it wouldn't be productive.
[00:17:50]  Okay.
[00:17:51]  So, in what way do you think it's bad advice as a whole because it wouldn't be productive, or what I'm trying to understand what you mean?
[00:17:58]  I don't think it's bad advice.
[00:18:00]  I think there's a fear on my end of things that is creating hesitation.
[00:18:05]  Okay.
[00:18:06]  Why do you think it would be unproductive?
[00:18:08]  I don't think it would be received well, and I think it would.
[00:18:15]  Create, I think it would be perceived as an attack, which may be again the delivery from me.
[00:18:23]  Maybe there is some control that I have over that.
[00:18:27]  And I'm not sure that I would be emotionally capable of actually handling the conversation.
[00:18:33]  I think there would be, I would have a worry that I would get baited maybe into a screaming match or maybe I would have trouble actually staying on task with the conversation and actually delivering the message clearly.
[00:18:48]  And why do you think that would be the case?
[00:18:51]  Because that has, I've had a long history of that being an issue, struggling with emotional regulation, especially in difficult conversations, and being able to stay calm and stay again, stay on task when in a difficult dialogue and not allow my emotions to cloud judgment or to cloud.
[00:19:20]  The goal of the dialogue.
[00:19:22]  Okay.
[00:19:22]  And what do you think?
[00:19:24]  What's your worst case scenario about what might happen?
[00:19:28]  My dad and I would end up in another physical altercation, probably.
[00:19:32]  And why do you think that would happen?
[00:19:36]  Because it has happened before now.
[00:19:39]  And because I think we know how to push each other's buttons in a way where.
[00:19:49]  It may, yeah, just based on previous dialogues, there has been an issue on both sides, mine and his, at taking personal responsibility for or acknowledging constructive criticism.
[00:20:04]  Okay, so your father responds to criticism with violence?
[00:20:09]  Yes, I think that's accurate.
[00:20:11]  Yes.
[00:20:13]  Okay, so you would not be in a physically safe situation if you were to criticize your father.
[00:20:18]  And is that why you haven't had the conversation?

=== Unprocessed Sadness from Childhood (05:36) ===

[00:20:21]  And not that this is criticism, I'm just trying to understand.
[00:20:23]  No, I think that's accurate.
[00:20:25]  It may not, and it may come in the form of verbal threats.
[00:20:29]  It may not be instantaneously a fist coming across the table, but my dad has definitely threatened physical violence plenty of times.
[00:20:35]  I can remember at dinner as a teenager, I don't even remember what I said at the dinner, and we were out in a restaurant, and it was met with, I want to reach across the table and punch you in the face right now.
[00:20:48]  Huh.
[00:20:48]  I mean, you don't seem to have any emotion about this.
[00:20:54]  Yeah, it's, it's, that's been something I've been realizing over the last five months.
[00:21:00]  I think I have, and I think maybe this is again something that has gone on in my household.
[00:21:06]  I have, and this is one of the reasons I think I used marijuana so strongly as well, was it was a way to numb a lot of the emotions, a lot of the feelings, just not really think about them, not engage with them.
[00:21:21]  But yeah, I mean, I'm, I thought for sure I would have some sort of more emotional awakening, if I could say it that way, happen since getting sober.
[00:21:31]  Um, you know, but I have, it's funny, I like, I haven't cried really at all.
[00:21:36]  I haven't really had any of those, um, really kind of deep moments where I'm kind of beside myself and in tears.
[00:21:43]  It hasn't, it's, it's almost, I don't feel like I've shut it off.
[00:21:46]  Sorry, but why would it be, why would it be tears?
[00:21:48]  Uh, I guess that's what I must, that's what I associate with it.
[00:21:51]  Um, Go on.
[00:21:54]  Yeah, I just think there's a certain sadness that I have from my childhood that maybe, well, not maybe.
[00:22:01]  I think there's a certain sadness from my childhood that I haven't processed.
[00:22:06]  And I think, well, and I think as a kid, I did cry a lot.
[00:22:10]  I think I was also always told by my father that I'm an emotionally based person, which if you could tell me what that means, that would be helpful because I have no idea what that means.
[00:22:18]  I think everybody's got emotions.
[00:22:21]  But yeah, so I guess I would think that that would come out some of this.
[00:22:26]  Things that I can look back on that were clearly traumatic, and I would think that they would manifest in tears.
[00:22:34]  Oh, well, okay.
[00:22:35]  Let me ask you this.
[00:22:36]  If you were at a bar and you were just sitting there joking with your friends and laughing and chatting, and some guy, you know, kind of grabbed you by the arm or grabbed you by the neck and said, I want to beat your face in, how would you feel?
[00:22:50]  Yeah, that's well said.
[00:22:53]  I don't think I would react to that with tears.
[00:22:55]  I think that would be met with, you know, there would be an instant.
[00:22:59]  Emotional response of aggression.
[00:23:01]  I would, even if it was posturing, I think that would be how I would react to that.
[00:23:06]  Sorry, you would react to it?
[00:23:08]  How?
[00:23:09]  I think I would probably assume mentally that a physical confrontation was on the way and that I would probably verbally attack the person.
[00:23:19]  You know, what are you doing?
[00:23:20]  What's going on?
[00:23:21]  How would you feel?
[00:23:22]  Oh, how would you feel?
[00:23:23]  Sorry.
[00:23:25]  I'd feel angry.
[00:23:26]  I'd feel angry.
[00:23:26]  There you go.
[00:23:27]  I'd feel angry.
[00:23:29]  Yeah, so when a male threatens you, you feel angry.
[00:23:32]  I'm not saying that's all you'd feel, but if your father.
[00:23:36]  Let me ask you this.
[00:23:38]  If you were out at a mall and you saw an older man berating a teenage boy and threatening to smash his face in, how would you feel?
[00:23:50]  Angry.
[00:23:51]  Right.
[00:23:51]  So help me understand why tears would be the first place to go to.
[00:23:55]  I think any time that my dad went to that explosive state when I was a kid, I would be so scared that I would just cry.
[00:24:05]  And I can remember he would be like, I'm not angry with you.
[00:24:08]  But you're not a kid now, right?
[00:24:10]  Correct.
[00:24:10]  Correct.
[00:24:11]  So where's the anger?
[00:24:12]  Where does the anger go?
[00:24:15]  You're asking where does the anger go?
[00:24:19]  Yeah.
[00:24:20]  Well, I think it's still there.
[00:24:22]  I think one of the reasons I harbor a lot of resentment, I harbor a lot of anger, whether it be with my parents or just with the way the world is.
[00:24:34]  I think.
[00:24:36]  So there is a lot of anger that I have for sure.
[00:24:40]  I would put forward the hypothesis.
[00:24:41]  It is, of course, just a hypothesis.
[00:24:44]  But I would put forward the hypothesis that you took drugs so you didn't assault your father.
[00:24:51]  Could that even expand further to, again, to not assault, to not emotionally erupt at other people in general, not just my father?
[00:24:59]  What could it be just to kind of dull?
[00:25:02]  No, no, because you're not an unjust person.
[00:25:04]  You're not a crazy, unfair person.
[00:25:07]  You wouldn't just beat up other people, but it would be to blunt your aggression.
[00:25:10]  I mean, most people who take a lot of drugs, and particularly those who take a lot of marijuana, are very angry.
[00:25:16]  And the anger comes out when you criticize marijuana.
[00:25:18]  I'm sure you've seen this if you followed my ex account at all, right?
[00:25:21]  That anytime I point out the basic facts about marijuana, people get very angry.
[00:25:26]  Because the marijuana is used to cover up their own anger.
[00:25:29]  It's used to keep their rage down so that they don't, I don't know, get mad and assault or beat up or whatever the people who attack them as children.
[00:25:37]  Yes.
[00:25:38]  And I used to be the same way, one of those incredibly strong defenders of marijuana and the benefits it can provide and all those things.
[00:25:46]  So, yes, no, I've definitely, and now, of course, being sober, I can see more clearly how defensive marijuana users get for sure and angry.
[00:25:56]  Right, right.

=== Selling Land and Holding Bitcoin (13:54) ===

[00:25:58]  Okay.
[00:25:59]  So, what is it like being in the house with your father now?
[00:26:03]  We essentially, when we do have conversations, they are very surface level.
[00:26:10]  And generally, we, myself, my mother, and my father kind of all avoid one another as much as possible, is I think the clearest way to state it.
[00:26:23]  Okay.
[00:26:23]  What was my question?
[00:26:24]  What's the relationship like, or what's it like living in the house with your father now?
[00:26:29]  How do you feel?
[00:26:30]  About being back at the house with your father.
[00:26:32]  I hate panics.
[00:26:33]  I hate it.
[00:26:34]  I hate it.
[00:26:35]  Okay, cool.
[00:26:36]  I think so.
[00:26:38]  Right now, I'm between jobs, so I don't have an income.
[00:26:40]  And I think that makes it very challenging to line up the dominoes.
[00:26:46]  And, you know, it's like if I could move out, I would in a heartbeat.
[00:26:50]  But I think because I don't have an income, there's a.
[00:26:56]  I feel like I need to achieve that first before I can move out.
[00:26:59]  But I really.
[00:27:01]  When I first moved back here in 2022, I planned on it being very short term, and now it's been almost four years.
[00:27:07]  And I guess there's also this other small part of my brain that feels that maybe I should be more grateful.
[00:27:16]  So, but generally, I hate being here.
[00:27:19]  I feel trapped.
[00:27:20]  Okay.
[00:27:21]  So, why are you there?
[00:27:23]  Generally, I see paying rent as a part of the country that I'm in is very expensive.
[00:27:31]  And I see paying rent as essentially throwing money down the drain.
[00:27:36]  And without a way to, without an income, I don't see a, because not having an income, that domino has not fallen.
[00:27:48]  I don't see a clear path out of here right now.
[00:27:52]  Okay.
[00:27:53]  How long has it been since you've had an income?
[00:27:55]  May of 2025.
[00:27:58]  So coming up on a year.
[00:28:00]  And how long did you have that income for?
[00:28:02]  About a year and a half.
[00:28:05]  That was when I did some 3D modeling, some CAD drafting work.
[00:28:08]  Okay, got it.
[00:28:10]  So you had an income for a year and a half.
[00:28:13]  So why didn't you move out?
[00:28:15]  I was advised by my father, but maybe by others, but I specifically remember my father basically to not rush out because it was a new path that I was on.
[00:28:30]  The future was still kind of unclear with it.
[00:28:33]  Who knew if it would stick?
[00:28:36]  But I did have the means in terms of income at that point, I would have had the means to move out.
[00:28:40]  For sure.
[00:28:41]  And I had moved out.
[00:28:42]  Well, and I'd moved out previously after college.
[00:28:45]  You know, I lived in other states and on a lesser income as well when I was coaching collegiately.
[00:28:53]  Okay.
[00:28:54]  So again, I ask you, you say the reason I'm living at home is because I don't have an income, but then you had an income for a year and a half and continued to stay at home.
[00:29:05]  So it's not because you didn't have an income.
[00:29:07]  There has to be some other reason.
[00:29:09]  Sure.
[00:29:10]  I think there's a sense of.
[00:29:13]  Comfort is what comes to mind.
[00:29:17]  Maybe there's a, maybe another way to put it would be emotional immaturity within me.
[00:29:23]  I think for me, again, it's if I can't, or I've thought if I can't buy, or if, let's say it differently, if I could just move somewhere where I can buy instead of having to rent, that would be ideal.
[00:29:37]  And I really don't want to move out just to go pay rent again.
[00:29:42]  Okay.
[00:29:42]  So you're home because you get to save money.
[00:29:46]  Yeah, I think that's a good way of putting it.
[00:29:47]  Okay.
[00:29:47]  So, so, so that's not a problem, right?
[00:29:51]  Uh, yeah.
[00:29:51]  There's nothing negative about it.
[00:29:53]  If, if you, if you choose to give up your independence and your autonomy and you choose to live in a place that you hate living in because you get to save some money, that's fine, right?
[00:30:03]  Uh, yes.
[00:30:05]  Yeah.
[00:30:06]  I think so.
[00:30:07]  Yes.
[00:30:07]  I think so.
[00:30:08]  Okay.
[00:30:09]  All right.
[00:30:09]  So, I mean, what else can I help you with?
[00:30:12]  Because, I mean, if, if you want to get paid to live with your dad who wants to beat you up, I, I mean, I think it's, A bad idea, but if it's not a problem for you, I'm not going to try and convince you that it is.
[00:30:23]  So, what else can I help you with?
[00:30:26]  Do you mind saying that again?
[00:30:28]  Well, you're taking money to live with your father, right?
[00:30:31]  Or to live with your parents, and you hate living there, but you would rather save a thousand bucks a month or fifteen hundred bucks a month.
[00:30:39]  I mean, you could get a place with roommates, right?
[00:30:41]  I mean, I was in my mid late 20s, not much younger than you.
[00:30:45]  I lived in a house with five other people, and I paid, you know, a tiny portion of that.
[00:30:52]  Total house cost in rent.
[00:30:54]  But so it's not like you have to have a place of your own.
[00:30:57]  It's not like you have to, you could have roommates.
[00:31:00]  You could do any number of things, right?
[00:31:02]  Sure.
[00:31:02]  But so to save, you know, you could probably get a place for 600 bucks a month if you're willing to have roommates or 500 bucks a month or something like that.
[00:31:12]  So you would rather live at home and save 500 bucks a month plus whatever, whatever, right?
[00:31:17]  And so you would rather live in a place that you hate living in where there's threats of violence in the air to save 500 bucks a month.
[00:31:27]  I just want to be clear on your decision.
[00:31:29]  Yeah, that's a good framing.
[00:31:31]  I hadn't, I guess I had thought of it that way, but not that clearly.
[00:31:36]  And even if it was upwards of, let's say, $800 a month, I think that it's still the argument still exists or the framing you're creating still exists.
[00:31:48]  I think when I had a marijuana problem, maybe that's part of the framing I hadn't updated.
[00:31:55]  Well, let me ask you this.
[00:31:57]  How much money were you spending a month?
[00:31:59]  On marijuana?
[00:32:02]  That's a good question.
[00:32:04]  Just roughly.
[00:32:05]  Let's say around, let's say over 500, less than 1,000, somewhere in that range.
[00:32:13]  Okay.
[00:32:13]  So rent in a multi person house.
[00:32:17]  Sure.
[00:32:17]  Okay.
[00:32:17]  So it wasn't that you, I mean, the reality of the situation was not that you were living at home because you wanted to save money on rent, but you were living at home because you would rather spend.
[00:32:32]  You would rather spend rent money on drugs.
[00:32:35]  It's a great framing.
[00:32:36]  I think that makes a lot of sense.
[00:32:37]  No, I'm not trying to frame it.
[00:32:39]  I'm not trying to reinterpret it.
[00:32:41]  I'm just looking at the mechanics and the economics of it.
[00:32:44]  Sure, sure.
[00:32:45]  So you preferred spending money on drugs to living alone.
[00:32:50]  Yeah, I think that's right.
[00:32:51]  I think that's correct.
[00:32:52]  Yeah.
[00:32:53]  And you were a drug addict from the ages of 17 to 30, right?
[00:32:57]  Yeah, 31, even.
[00:32:58]  Yeah.
[00:33:00]  Okay.
[00:33:00]  So that's 14 years, right?
[00:33:02]  Sure.
[00:33:02]  Or yes.
[00:33:03]  Yes, that is.
[00:33:03]  Yeah.
[00:33:04]  Okay.
[00:33:06]  So if you spent $1,000 a month over 14 years, that's $168,000 on drugs.
[00:33:20]  It's a lot of money.
[00:33:21]  And of course, if you had invested that money in Bitcoin 14 years ago, I mean, you'd be a multimillionaire, or even if you just invested it in something, you would have, I don't know, half, quarter of a million dollars, half a million dollars, easily enough to buy a place, right?
[00:33:38]  Right.
[00:33:38]  Okay.
[00:33:40]  So the reality is that, and I'm not trying to make you feel bad.
[00:33:44]  It's just we have to look at the sort of bare facts of the situation, right?
[00:33:48]  So it's not that you didn't have work.
[00:33:50]  It's not that you didn't have money because you had money for drugs, right?
[00:33:54]  Right.
[00:33:55]  So where did you get the money for drugs from?
[00:33:57]  So there is, I think the best way, there's essentially a trust fund that I was given.
[00:34:05]  You know, it's some family money that then came to me through.
[00:34:11]  My dad, I think, invested it for most of my childhood.
[00:34:13]  And then when I became, let's say I was 25 or maybe 28, when the account went from joint custody to mine alone, where I was in single control of it.
[00:34:25]  So generally, that was like the safety net.
[00:34:29]  And I still have a fair amount of it.
[00:34:31]  I think I still have around, I don't know, somewhere between 180K and 200K on the market, including around 25K in Bitcoin.
[00:34:40]  Okay, hang on, hang on.
[00:34:41]  Please.
[00:34:41]  Yeah.
[00:34:42]  Sorry.
[00:34:42]  Yep.
[00:34:42]  Go ahead.
[00:34:43]  This is really confusing.
[00:34:44]  Sorry, you said that you stayed home because of financial issues or you didn't want to pay rent, or did I get that completely wrong?
[00:34:52]  No, no, you're right.
[00:34:54]  You're right.
[00:34:54]  And you started off with hundreds of thousands of dollars in your 20s?
[00:34:59]  Correct.
[00:34:59]  Yeah, I think it was about 200, let's say it was a little over 250 grand when I took control of it.
[00:35:08]  Along with 25 grand, you said, of Bitcoin?
[00:35:11]  The 25 grand of Bitcoin is recent.
[00:35:12]  That happened in the last couple months.
[00:35:15]  That somebody you inherited or you got 25K of Bitcoin?
[00:35:19]  No, that's out of the trust fund.
[00:35:22]  I took money off the market and put it into Bitcoin.
[00:35:25]  Okay, got it.
[00:35:26]  All right.
[00:35:26]  So, what age were you when you got the quarter mil?
[00:35:30]  I think around, let me think.
[00:35:32]  I've known about it for probably since I was a late teenager.
[00:35:36]  I took control of it or at least had access to it by the time I was, let's say, 20, 25.
[00:35:43]  And I initially, Tried to, well, let me just stop there.
[00:35:47]  Around 25.
[00:35:49]  Okay.
[00:35:49]  So at the age of 25, so six years ago, you got access to a quarter million dollars.
[00:35:54]  Right.
[00:35:55]  And you're trying to tell me that you couldn't move out because you didn't want to pay rent.
[00:35:59]  Right.
[00:35:59]  It felt like that was a.
[00:36:03]  No, but don't you think that'd be fairly important to tell me?
[00:36:07]  Yeah.
[00:36:07]  There's always been some shame I've felt with that money.
[00:36:11]  I don't care about the shame.
[00:36:12]  If you want to have a conversation, do you not think it's important for me not to accidentally come across this information?
[00:36:18]  Sure.
[00:36:19]  Sure.
[00:36:19]  But for you to tell me up front and to say, well, because, you know, when you tell me I can't move out because of, you know, rent, like I assume you're broke.
[00:36:28]  I mean, that's a reasonable assumption, wouldn't you say?
[00:36:30]  Right, right.
[00:36:32]  And, you know, it was tough.
[00:36:34]  The economy was tough, particularly for younger people over COVID.
[00:36:38]  But if you tell me that you're sitting on a quarter million dollars, which I guess would be like 350,000, 370,000 Canadian, I mean, that's a staggering amount of money for a young man to be in possession of, right?
[00:36:49]  Right, right.
[00:36:52]  Okay.
[00:36:55]  So that's important.
[00:36:56]  And I'm trying to sort of understand why you wouldn't tell me that.
[00:37:04]  I think there's always been, and you may, and please, please tell me if you think this is me blowing smoke, please feel free to tell me.
[00:37:12]  I think there was always kind of a threat to not use the money incorrectly.
[00:37:16]  Or there was always this, again, this kind of although it was my money, it was still family money and it came from my father's side of the family.
[00:37:25]  And there was a certain.
[00:37:28]  I'll call a handcuff that came with it in terms of if you use this wrong, you know, we'll, I don't know if, you know, it could be taken away or if, again, you'd be cut off from, you know, future inheritance or so on.
[00:37:40]  But, and it did happen with one of my cousins.
[00:37:42]  But, but yeah, I think it's always been something that, I mean, even in my family, it's like I didn't know what my parents made for an income until I was an adult.
[00:37:52]  I think there's always been kind of, you know, maybe it's an old school mentality, but the idea of, you know, you don't talk about that stuff.
[00:37:57]  You kind of, so it's interesting that.
[00:37:59]  I'm glad it did come up and I do apologize for not mentioning it sooner.
[00:38:04]  It is an important data point for sure.
[00:38:07]  And I guess so, the thousand bucks a month that, because I was trying to figure out how on earth are you spending a thousand bucks a month if you're broke on drugs, but the thousand bucks a month that that comes out of your inheritance?
[00:38:18]  Not always.
[00:38:19]  I think there were, I think multiple times in my life, I've had over $30,000 of my own money from working in my own checking account.
[00:38:33]  But when that would be, when that, there were, there's probably been a handful of times where that did deplete, you know, two or three times or maybe even more where that depleted.
[00:38:42]  And, and I would supplement from the money on the market.
[00:38:47]  And it was told, but, you know, my father would be like, that's, that is, you know, that can be what it's there for.
[00:38:54]  And maybe this is worth mentioning as well.
[00:38:56]  I did try and buy land and move out around the age of 20, when I first moved home in 2022.
[00:39:02]  So I'm 31.
[00:39:03]  So that would have been 27 ish.
[00:39:05]  Um, I tried to move.
[00:39:07]  I bought land.
[00:39:08]  I tried to move up there, but I quickly ran out of cash.
[00:39:12]  And I ran into issues with the town, ended up getting hit with a cease and desist.
[00:39:16]  And the whole thing kind of foiled or not foiled, sorry, folded.
[00:39:21]  And I sold the land, took somewhat of a loss on the money that I had invested into it, but got a majority of it back.
[00:39:29]  And that's the money that I have on the market and in Bitcoin now.
[00:39:32]  A cease and desist.
[00:39:34]  Interesting.
[00:39:35]  Okay.
[00:39:36]  Yeah, there were some zoning issues.
[00:39:37]  I was, you know, there were some bylaws and some, there was a lake association and almost like an HOA that there was a, they had some issues with how I was the guy that I had to do some of my site work and some of the zoning.

=== Hesitation to Enter Sales Roles (05:33) ===

[00:39:52]  I learned a lot of valuable lessons from it, but I think there was, in hindsight, again, there was just a lot of things that I could have done better when I bought that land.
[00:40:01]  But I, even with a quarter of a million, I didn't have the cash to really undertake that project like I thought I could.
[00:40:10]  Okay, got it.
[00:40:13]  All right.
[00:40:14]  So, again, I just want to make sure that I am going to give you the best value for the call.
[00:40:19]  So, what is it that you would like to focus on?
[00:40:21]  I think for me, the main reason for the call is now the paralysis that I'm feeling in getting back into the working world and finding an avenue to make an income, to provide for myself and the future family, and not be caught up in the kind of corporate rat race, if you will.
[00:40:45]  Okay.
[00:40:46]  And what has your working history been?
[00:40:48]  So I coached soccer collegiately from the moment I graduated college until 2022.
[00:40:54]  And that was full time.
[00:40:55]  I also did youth soccer on the side.
[00:40:57]  But again, I walked away from that because of the worldview that a lot of the universities in the States, as well as the youth soccer scene in the States, has just as very opposite to mine.
[00:41:12]  And that was where I thought about doing some of the CAD work.
[00:41:15]  And so I went and got, I went back to community college, grabbed a CAD certificate.
[00:41:19]  And did that for a year or so.
[00:41:21]  But throughout this entire process, I was an addict.
[00:41:24]  So I think, in some ways, it's like the world can be my, you know, I could do anything, but I'm also 31.
[00:41:31]  So I'm trying to be realistic.
[00:41:33]  And I feel like I don't want to waste time trying a bunch of different things.
[00:41:39]  I really want to find a clear path forward and pursue it.
[00:41:45]  Okay.
[00:41:45]  So how can I help with that?
[00:41:49]  Are you asking me what you should do with your?
[00:41:52]  Life or time?
[00:41:53]  I'm sorry.
[00:41:54]  I'm sorry to sound dense.
[00:41:55]  I just want to make sure I understand what it is that you most want from me.
[00:41:59]  Yeah, I think I'm getting a lot of third party advice that I've gotten.
[00:42:04]  Or again, like in the Christian worldview, people are like, oh, just pray on it and it'll become clear.
[00:42:09]  And I think for me, yes, there's definitely a piece of advice that I'm looking for from you in terms of if there's a certain path that.
[00:42:24]  That may be based on my previous work history, based on how you see the future happening, is there a certain path that you see as valuable to pursue?
[00:42:37]  I know, I remember when you were on.
[00:42:38]  No, I can't.
[00:42:39]  Yeah, I can't sort of tell you what it is that you should or shouldn't be doing with your life because that's.
[00:42:43]  I can certainly say that, I'm sure as a Christian, since you seem to be focused on that, that spreading virtue is a good thing to do as a whole.
[00:42:52]  It's an important thing to do as a whole.
[00:42:56]  But the longest job you had was for the year and a half.
[00:43:00]  Is that right?
[00:43:00]  No, I was at one of the universities that I worked at.
[00:43:05]  I was there for over from 2019 to 2022.
[00:43:10]  And then previously at another university for a year.
[00:43:13]  And then same thing at another university for a year, all coaching soccer collegiately.
[00:43:18]  So I coached soccer for about five years.
[00:43:20]  I mean, the soccer thing is not much that you could do as a whole, right?
[00:43:24]  I totally agree.
[00:43:25]  I think that's where, like, I'm, I think when I found sobriety, I was like, am I going to go back to coaching?
[00:43:30]  Is that a way for me to spread virtue in the world?
[00:43:34]  And maybe it is, but it's not lucrative.
[00:43:37]  And they take advantage of your passion as well.
[00:43:40]  Yes.
[00:43:40]  Okay.
[00:43:40]  Got it.
[00:43:42]  All right.
[00:43:43]  Okay.
[00:43:43]  So, what is it that you most like to do?
[00:43:47]  I think I like things that are project based.
[00:43:49]  I think seeing something, I think I, since sobriety, I've re kind of discovered a more social part of me where I'm like, oh, I don't mind socially interacting with people.
[00:44:05]  I guess I should mention both my parents were in sales for their entire careers.
[00:44:08]  And it seemed like it, although it provided financially, there's part of me that's very hesitant to go towards sales because it seemed like it was very unfulfilling from like a, From a soul standpoint, or again, from a spreading virtue standpoint, I think being a leader is good.
[00:44:30]  I've considered project management, but again, it's like you're going to be stuck in some corporate structure.
[00:44:37]  Ideally, you know, there's some authorship and ownership over what I'm doing.
[00:44:42]  I've considered going into the trades, but I've got some physical limitations just from overuse from soccer coaching and from playing back in the day.
[00:44:52]  But I think to your point, maybe that is the direction we head, or maybe that's something I need to do on my own that internal dialogue of what I like to do.
[00:45:02]  I think when I was an addict, when I was smoking marijuana 24 7, that was the thing I liked to do.
[00:45:09]  And since then, it's been great getting involved in community at church and again, kind of reconnecting to the world socially and serving as much as I can and jumping in and.

=== Becoming Passive Instead of Coaching (15:31) ===

[00:45:26]  But I guess there's also a fine line where I don't want to people please too much, or I don't want to become like a doormat.
[00:45:33]  And sorry, I know that's unclear, but I think that's part of the internal maybe paralysis that I'm feeling that kind of, well, what do I want to do?
[00:45:41]  Or what do I actually like?
[00:45:42]  Or what industries do I actually consider that I'd want to go into?
[00:45:47]  I think that is something I'm really struggling with.
[00:45:50]  Right.
[00:45:51]  Okay.
[00:45:52]  All right.
[00:45:53]  And what about your dating history?
[00:45:55]  What's that been like?
[00:45:59]  I would say I've never had a healthy relationship.
[00:46:06]  I've had a lot of promiscuous sex.
[00:46:09]  I've had a lot of one night stands.
[00:46:12]  I've had some very brief, more immature relationships.
[00:46:18]  But I would say since I was in college, there hasn't really been any traction on that front, really at all.
[00:46:25]  Other than, again, like something promiscuous or something that would be like a one night stand kind of thing.
[00:46:31]  So nothing great there.
[00:46:34]  And you had those in college?
[00:46:35]  Is that right?
[00:46:36]  Yeah, it started in high school through college.
[00:46:39]  Well, yeah, high school and college.
[00:46:41]  Yeah.
[00:46:42]  And then maybe even up until, I guess maybe it went on a little bit after college, but I would say since I've been 25 and definitely since COVID, I haven't had sex since COVID, since 2019.
[00:46:52]  And I haven't really had a real relationship with a woman, healthy or not, probably since I was 25.
[00:46:59]  So.
[00:47:01]  And why do you think?
[00:47:02]  Hmm.
[00:47:04]  I think I look at my parents' marriage, and I. That's the last thing that I want in a relationship.
[00:47:14]  I also think I have, maybe related to that, but I have commitment issues in terms of.
[00:47:23]  I think I present a certain character, a certain high energy guy.
[00:47:29]  And I think maybe that is somewhat genuine of who I am, but it almost feels like unsustainable.
[00:47:34]  Maybe I love bomb a little bit as well on top of that.
[00:47:37]  So it's like this.
[00:47:39]  I worry that if I'm with a girl for an extended period of time, eventually she'll see behind the curtain or she'll see who I really am.
[00:47:49]  And I think there's part of me that is worried that the relationship would fail then because of that.
[00:48:00]  You may be missing the big reason.
[00:48:03]  Okay.
[00:48:04]  You were a drug addict.
[00:48:08]  Fair enough.
[00:48:08]  Yeah.
[00:48:09]  That's right.
[00:48:10]  I think I used to think about wanting to find a woman who I could cohabitate with who would we would smoke weed or smoke marijuana together.
[00:48:19]  I'm happy that that didn't happen.
[00:48:22]  I'm also happy that I didn't, any of the women that I had these unhealthy relationships with, I'm glad I didn't pursue any of them for the long term in a lot of ways because I don't think there was anything, any real strong feeling there other than physical.
[00:48:35]  But yeah, the drug addict pieces, yep, that's right.
[00:48:39]  Yeah, I mean, like a healthy woman.
[00:48:41]  Wouldn't date you, right?
[00:48:42]  Right.
[00:48:43]  Right.
[00:48:43]  And also, I mean, what do you think about you mentioned earlier your lack of emotion?
[00:48:49]  It's funny.
[00:48:51]  I don't know if I've ever had that mentioned to me that I lack emotion because I think of myself as, again, a high energy guy who's pretty emotional.
[00:48:59]  But I think, again, sometimes it almost is like I'm playing a character and I kind of hide the real emotions I'm feeling because I don't trust myself to actually present them in a way that doesn't result in me abusing somebody else.
[00:49:11]  So, that would be very bad from a relationship building standpoint.
[00:49:15]  So, you have to stay unemotional to some degree or stay in control of your emotions because your emotions would be violent and destructive.
[00:49:21]  Is that right?
[00:49:22]  Yeah.
[00:49:22]  Yeah.
[00:49:22]  I think that's absolutely correct.
[00:49:24]  I think there's part of me that's a learned behavior that I have is if somebody is disrespectful to you or if somebody crosses a certain line, that you're allowed to react explosively.
[00:49:38]  And to your point, violently is essentially a synonym there.
[00:49:42]  So, sure.
[00:49:42]  Or right, correct?
[00:49:43]  Yep.
[00:49:44]  So if a woman, as you say, sort of disrespected you or did something like that, then you might beat her up?
[00:49:50]  No, I don't think.
[00:49:51]  I've never had any physical.
[00:49:54]  But I think verbally.
[00:49:55]  No, no.
[00:49:55]  Hang on.
[00:49:56]  I said might.
[00:49:59]  Because you said that you would react to disrespect with violence.
[00:50:02]  I think verbally, for sure.
[00:50:03]  I think verbally, I have no problem acknowledging.
[00:50:07]  Physically, I'd like to think I wouldn't, but might.
[00:50:12]  Sure.
[00:50:13]  Right.
[00:50:14]  Right.
[00:50:15]  So it's probably good to stay out of relationships if you might assault the woman or tear her apart verbally.
[00:50:22]  Yeah.
[00:50:22]  Yes.
[00:50:24]  And would that happen at work as well?
[00:50:27]  Yes.
[00:50:30]  So, then if I were to give you recommendations that would get you a job, you might end up assaulting someone at work.
[00:50:34]  Is that right?
[00:50:37]  That's right.
[00:50:38]  Maybe that's the reason I do isolate as much as I have in the past.
[00:50:44]  And I think that's why I fear a reluctance to help you get a job, if that makes sense.
[00:50:48]  Yeah, that's fair.
[00:50:51]  I don't think of myself as a physically violent person, but yeah, no, verbally, I can definitely, in my past, I don't think it's happened since sobriety.
[00:51:02]  But again, that's a very short period of time in the, in the, You know, in the timeline of my life.
[00:51:07]  Sorry, since the when?
[00:51:09]  Since sobriety, since getting sober five months ago.
[00:51:12]  Like five months ago?
[00:51:13]  Yeah, right, right.
[00:51:13]  So very short period of time.
[00:51:16]  But yeah, in my lifetime, I've definitely been known to give a, it's funny, I was going to say a tongue lashing, but I might as well call it a verbal assault.
[00:51:25]  Even as a coach, or even when I was before I was a coach, as a player, I think people used to frame to me that I was the, you know, they could always come to me for like the honest opinion or the truth.
[00:51:38]  And I think maybe, Maybe if I frame that a little differently, it's like, no, you're just the, you're the asshole.
[00:51:45]  So maybe that is correct.
[00:51:46]  Pardon my French.
[00:51:47]  I didn't quite follow that last part.
[00:51:49]  Were you verbally, did you verbally assault players or what does that mean?
[00:51:53]  So as a teammate, I would, I would, I would be combative with other teammates.
[00:51:56]  No, no, as a coach.
[00:51:57]  But as a coach, yeah, I was definitely a, at times, or if I felt a player, again, was being disrespectful or there was a lack of acknowledgement of expectations.
[00:52:10]  I could react with verbal abuse for sure.
[00:52:14]  That's something I've learned since listening to you that, oh, the way that I used to coach was not only not virtuous, but it was damaging.
[00:52:22]  And what would, like, if I was the player who did something that you thought was wrong, what would you say to me?
[00:52:29]  It would probably be full of expletives.
[00:52:31]  You know, very, very colorful, you used to have a very colorful mouth, will still do.
[00:52:36]  No, no, just tell me what you would say.
[00:52:37]  Like, imitate to me how you would talk to the teammates or the, the, the, Yeah, that's not good enough.
[00:52:45]  It needs to be better.
[00:52:50]  Come on.
[00:52:51]  Be honest.
[00:52:52]  That's not even remotely colorful.
[00:52:53]  No, no.
[00:52:54]  It's, yeah, it's, it's, it's, uh, I, I think I, again, well, I think I, I, uh, I started to, towards the end of coaching, and I haven't coached in over a year, but I think it, towards the end of my, for God's sakes, man, what would you say?
[00:53:09]  Uh, give me, give me you at your harshest with the players.
[00:53:15]  Maybe something like, who the fuck do you think you are?
[00:53:17]  This isn't good enough.
[00:53:18]  Uh, do you think you're better than everybody?
[00:53:20]  Do you think you're, Bigger than, you know, something to that effect.
[00:53:25]  I mean, I don't quite believe that it was not harsher than that.
[00:53:29]  Okay.
[00:53:31]  I don't disagree.
[00:53:31]  There's one swear word, and you said I could be pretty colorful.
[00:53:34]  You talked about verbal assault.
[00:53:36]  I mean, that's not great, but it's certainly not terrible.
[00:53:41]  I mean, you talked about your capacity for verbal violence and one F bomb, you know, saying, who the fuck do you think you are?
[00:53:47]  That's not exactly sadistic levels of verbal assault.
[00:53:51]  So, yeah, maybe I'm over exaggerating that.
[00:53:54]  Maybe it wasn't.
[00:53:56]  Yeah, harsh and punitive and a little foul mouthed, but not.
[00:53:59]  Okay.
[00:53:59]  All right.
[00:54:00]  So, if that's the worst that you would say, right?
[00:54:02]  Yeah, I don't think I ever went to the levels of insulting a kid or his family or, again, attacking.
[00:54:12]  Maybe I would attack character a little bit, but.
[00:54:15]  Well, like what?
[00:54:16]  What do you mean?
[00:54:18]  No, telling somebody that they're lazy or telling somebody that they're arrogant.
[00:54:23]  But again, fill it with expletives.
[00:54:25]  And I think for me, it was like I would really raise my voice and talk in an aggressive tone.
[00:54:32]  Like you're a lazy piece of shit, that kind of stuff?
[00:54:34]  I don't.
[00:54:37]  Yeah, yeah.
[00:54:38]  Let's.
[00:54:38]  Yes, yeah.
[00:54:40]  Okay, got it.
[00:54:42]  And did you have relationships longer than the one night stand, Steph, romantically or sexually?
[00:54:51]  Not longer than weeks or maybe a couple months at most.
[00:54:55]  Okay.
[00:54:56]  And were you verbally harsh in those as well?
[00:55:00]  No, I think I learned that.
[00:55:04]  No, no, I wasn't.
[00:55:05]  No, I think I, again, I would just run away before that would happen.
[00:55:09]  I would move on from things or end things before we would ever get anywhere near that kind of thing.
[00:55:15]  Okay.
[00:55:16]  And how do you feel thinking back on how old were the players that you were coaching?
[00:55:25]  18 to 22, or some were teenagers as well.
[00:55:29]  And the youngest would have been, let's say, 10 to 12 years old.
[00:55:34]  And would you swear at the 10 to 12 year olds?
[00:55:37]  And what was the youngest age that you would swear at?
[00:55:40]  I think teenagers, probably like once they're in high school, like 14, 13, 14, that would probably be the youngest.
[00:55:47]  Okay.
[00:55:48]  And do you have any feelings about that looking back?
[00:55:51]  Yeah.
[00:55:54]  It felt like that was how I was coached.
[00:55:56]  But again, since listening to you and since aging a bit, it didn't seem productive.
[00:56:06]  It definitely isn't a way to spread burnout.
[00:56:08]  Those aren't feelings, those are judgments on the efficacy of something.
[00:56:10]  I'm talking about feelings.
[00:56:13]  Feelings about.
[00:56:16]  I feel regretful.
[00:56:17]  I think there's a certain amount of that I feel I let those players down that I could have been more helpful.
[00:56:24]  Or again, when I was worried about when I would feel myself getting emotional and then I would just become much more passive, much more like rubber bones, I feel even more regret over that.
[00:56:39]  I think.
[00:56:41]  I'm sorry, I don't quite follow that.
[00:56:43]  So there would be times where, like, let's say I was challenged by a player and I would feel my emotions rising to the point where I was worried that I would emotionally erupt.
[00:56:52]  On a player.
[00:56:54]  I think as I started to realize that wasn't the right thing to do, I would just go 180 the total other direction and become very passive and almost just defer to the player and not really coach at all and just kind of become and kind of go rubber bones with them in a sense and just be like, yeah, like, and again, just kind of abdicate the responsibility of the coach in a lot of ways.
[00:57:15]  Oh, like you'd give up on them as players?
[00:57:19]  I mean, I think that's how they would probably interpret it.
[00:57:22]  Like, you're not even worth coaching.
[00:57:23]  I, I, because they've seen you yell at the yell and cuss at other players.
[00:57:27]  And if you just go rubber bones on them, they would probably interpret it as like, I'm not even worth coaching.
[00:57:31]  I'm beyond hope.
[00:57:32]  Or I would just let them have their way, which may be me just saying it a different way.
[00:57:36]  But so, so.
[00:57:37]  Yeah.
[00:57:37]  Yeah.
[00:57:37]  But then it's like, forget.
[00:57:39]  Yeah.
[00:57:39]  Serve however you want.
[00:57:40]  I don't care.
[00:57:40]  Yeah.
[00:57:40]  Honestly.
[00:57:41]  You know, I can't coach you.
[00:57:42]  Yeah.
[00:57:43]  Okay.
[00:57:44]  And if you were to go back and tap yourself on the shoulder and interrupt yourself, what would you say to the players about ranting or yelling or screaming at them and cursing at them and so on?
[00:57:53]  What would you say to the players now if you could go back in time?
[00:57:57]  You're asking if I was back in that scenario, how would I interact with those players?
[00:58:03]  No, let's say that you now were able, let me sort of make it more clear.
[00:58:07]  Sorry.
[00:58:07]  Let's say that you now, at the age of 31, were able to travel back in time to when you were coaching these kids and you sort of jumped into your body while you were yelling or screaming or cussing.
[00:58:19]  What would you interrupt yourself to say to the kids?
[00:58:23]  Maybe, not maybe, let's be clear.
[00:58:28]  To explain why I was angry instead of just being angry.
[00:58:32]  And what would you say?
[00:58:35]  Hey guys, I'm just upset that you guys don't seem to be taking this drill seriously, or you that there's a certain amount of respect that isn't being given to the drill or to the game or to your teammates.
[00:58:52]  Maybe I wasn't clear with you guys on the instructions, and maybe that's something I can do a better job of.
[00:58:56]  But we as a group need to try and work together better to.
[00:59:03]  To have a positive, productive practice.
[00:59:07]  And not, and that's, or maybe in the beginning there, I would say something, you know, the reason that I'm angry is, and then all of that.
[00:59:15]  So you would still blame them and you'd still hold them as negative.
[00:59:19]  It would just be more calm.
[00:59:21]  That's a good point.
[00:59:22]  Yeah.
[00:59:23]  I think, I think that would, well, I, now that you frame or now that you say it, now that you bring that to my attention, one of the things I think I learned as I aged as a coach as well as if, If the players don't understand, or if things in the session or in the game aren't going as planned, that falls on you as the coach.
[00:59:42]  So it's a good thing you bring my attention.
[00:59:45]  Yeah.
[00:59:45]  I mean, I was kind of looking for, and I'm not saying this would be a perfect answer.
[00:59:48]  I'm just telling you, my expectation would be like for you to say, listen, guys, I'm really sorry that I swore at you.
[00:59:53]  I'm really sorry I screamed at you.
[00:59:55]  That must have made you feel terrible.
[00:59:56]  That was really bullying.
[00:59:58]  It's kind of out of proportion for a kid's fucking game or a kid's game, maybe not swear, but like, I'm really sorry.
[01:00:04]  And you shouldn't take it personally.
[01:00:06]  It's about my issues, not your playing.
[01:00:08]  I mean, wouldn't that, but as opposed to, well, you guys are still doing the wrong thing, but I just need to grind you down more calmly.
[01:00:15]  Yeah, I think that's a great point.
[01:00:16]  I think that's, I think I took sports too seriously as a kid.
[01:00:22]  I think it was just a nope.
[01:00:24]  No, no, no.
[01:00:25]  There's nothing wrong with taking sports seriously.
[01:00:28]  There is something wrong with yelling or screaming at kids and cussing them and calling them lazy pieces of shit.
[01:00:34]  That's just abusive, right?
[01:00:35]  Right.
[01:00:36]  I mean, that's not taking things seriously.
[01:00:37]  That's just being an asshole coach, isn't it?
[01:00:39]  Right.
[01:00:39]  And that's the example that I had as well, for sure.
[01:00:43]  Yeah.
[01:00:43]  I mean, taking things seriously is I really want these kids to win, which means I've got to encourage them to a sense of cohesion and a sense of dedication.
[01:00:52]  I've got to inspire them, not berate them.
[01:00:54]  Right.
[01:00:54]  For sure.
[01:00:55]  For sure.
[01:00:56]  Okay.

=== The Myth of Improved Drinking (08:06) ===

[01:00:57]  But you're not there yet, right?
[01:00:59]  So you're just like, well, I should have berated them just more calmly.
[01:01:02]  Once you brought it to my attention, it's like, oh, yeah.
[01:01:05]  Like, oh, Kind of like almost like a.
[01:01:07]  No, I mean, you're not there yet.
[01:01:08]  I mean, that's not where you go.
[01:01:10]  You don't go back and say, Jesus, I shouldn't have been screaming at these kids.
[01:01:13]  That's really bad, right?
[01:01:15]  And I should apologize to them for being that guy.
[01:01:19]  No, but now that you bring it to my attention, it's very clear.
[01:01:21]  It's obvious.
[01:01:22]  Yeah, yeah.
[01:01:23]  I'm just saying it doesn't come out of you.
[01:01:24]  It may come out of someone else, but it doesn't come out of you.
[01:01:28]  Okay.
[01:01:28]  So, sorry.
[01:01:29]  No, no, you're good.
[01:01:30]  Go ahead.
[01:01:31]  All right.
[01:01:32]  So, do you think it's a good idea for you to date if you still feel violent towards people or you have, in a sense, permission to yourself to be violent?
[01:01:43]  No, probably not.
[01:01:45]  Okay.
[01:01:46]  And what about working?
[01:01:47]  With people where you might be, as you say, verbally violent or even physically violent?
[01:01:53]  No, probably not.
[01:01:54]  Same answer.
[01:01:55]  Okay.
[01:01:56]  Okay.
[01:01:56]  So, no dating, not working until you deal with the rage issues.
[01:02:00]  So, again, and you don't want to, like, you stay home because you don't want to pay rent.
[01:02:04]  So, I'm sort of back to sorry to be annoying and maybe I'm missing something obvious here, but I'm sort of back to how can I help?
[01:02:14]  I think the conversation has already been helpful.
[01:02:17]  Let's see.
[01:02:19]  I guess I.
[01:02:22]  I think I can present outwardly that I don't have rage issues.
[01:02:28]  No, but I wouldn't want to help you deceive people.
[01:02:30]  Right.
[01:02:30]  No, I totally understand.
[01:02:31]  So, what?
[01:02:32]  So, if.
[01:02:32]  Okay, so that's not good.
[01:02:34]  So, what else?
[01:02:34]  So, what do you think is a path forward to work on dealing with rage and dealing with the rage issues?
[01:02:40]  Well, and you.
[01:02:42]  Where is the source of your rage?
[01:02:44]  Where does it come from?
[01:02:46]  I mean, you already told me.
[01:02:48]  I would think it's again my parents and the addiction issues, and just maybe some regrets over how the past has gone.
[01:02:57]  Well, you have a very violent father, right?
[01:03:03]  Yeah, sure.
[01:03:04]  It's funny.
[01:03:05]  I wouldn't have called him very violent, but I don't think that's inaccurate.
[01:03:08]  Well, I don't want to be inaccurate, of course, right?
[01:03:11]  So if it is inaccurate, please tell me.
[01:03:14]  I mean, didn't he talk about hitting you in the face?
[01:03:18]  In public?
[01:03:20]  Yep.
[01:03:21]  Yep.
[01:03:22]  Okay.
[01:03:22]  And aren't you frightened to talk to him honestly because you fear his violence and then you didn't choke him by the throat?
[01:03:31]  So that's a lot of violence.
[01:03:32]  And your mother, I mean, was he ever violent to what's your mother?
[01:03:36]  I don't think he ever laid hands on her, but I think there were plenty of moments where he was, yes.
[01:03:44]  You know, I can think of a time where he.
[01:03:47]  We have like one of the.
[01:03:49]  like a glass screen door.
[01:03:51]  And I think he threw a glass at that during an altercation with her.
[01:03:57]  And who knows how close it was to like her head or something.
[01:04:00]  I have no idea.
[01:04:01]  I don't even know if I was conceived at that point.
[01:04:03]  I probably was, but I may have been in my infancy.
[01:04:05]  This is just a story I've been told about.
[01:04:07]  And I think we even still have the door, like in a storage room.
[01:04:11]  And sorry, who told you that story?
[01:04:14]  I think I heard it from both my mother and my father.
[01:04:17]  And what was the purpose of telling you this story, do you think?
[01:04:21]  I think it was framed to me as a way to explain how sometimes you lose control of your emotions, but then you.
[01:04:32]  Resolve those issues, which I find very ironic considering my parents don't resolve any of their issues.
[01:04:39]  But I think it was framed that way of like, you know, sometimes you get really mad and then sometimes you have to apologize for it and then you move on and something like that.
[01:04:49]  And when was the last time you felt your father's violence in the arena or in the area?
[01:04:58]  I mean, anytime politics comes up, I can sense it.
[01:05:02]  So let's say within the last couple months for sure.
[01:05:05]  I think we, again, we've kept the conversations as surface level as possible to, or anytime he feels his authority is being challenged.
[01:05:12]  So let's just say within the last couple weeks or months, even.
[01:05:15]  It's still very, very relevant.
[01:05:18]  Okay.
[01:05:19]  So has your father ever admitted that he has a bad temper that he needs to work on?
[01:05:24]  Yes.
[01:05:25]  Okay.
[01:05:26]  How often has he admitted that?
[01:05:30]  A few times, I would say, not often.
[01:05:33]  Or he'll do it again in like an abstract kind of beating around the bushway.
[01:05:36]  Not in like, he will not acknowledge it that clearly, like you just stated.
[01:05:40]  A lot of like passive aggressiveness with it.
[01:05:42]  So he, so has he, do you know if he's ever taken anger management courses or taken any therapy or tried to figure out why he gives himself permission to be this angry?
[01:05:51]  I don't think so.
[01:05:52]  I think you know if you did, right?
[01:05:54]  Because he was, your mother or someone would tell you, right?
[01:05:57]  No, there's a certain, well, uh, make, make, um, I don't, I don't, There's, remember how at the beginning of the call, and again, this is what I was kind of spewing all over the place, but there's these no go zones in our household where it's like, don't talk to, you know, don't bring this subject matter up with dad or don't bring this subject matter up with mom.
[01:06:19]  I think the anger is one of one, I'll put that in a pocket of a no go zone of like, we're, you know, you don't talk about, you know, you don't bring up dad's anger with him.
[01:06:27]  So, so I may, and if he was working on it, I don't think I ever would have heard about it either.
[01:06:33]  He would have seen that as like a sign of weakness.
[01:06:35]  But he would have become more calm and he also would have apologized to you.
[01:06:38]  Yeah.
[01:06:40]  Yeah.
[01:06:42]  I think, I mean, he's, he's, there has been once where he's resorted to writing me a letter to describe some of those feelings.
[01:06:51]  But yeah, I think your point is fair.
[01:06:55]  It would be more obvious through his behavior.
[01:06:57]  Okay.
[01:06:59]  All right.
[01:07:00]  So what about your mother?
[01:07:03]  Does she have a temper at all?
[01:07:05]  Yes.
[01:07:06]  And she's a drinker, right?
[01:07:07]  Yes.
[01:07:08]  Your father does marijuana.
[01:07:10]  Your mother does alcohol?
[01:07:11]  No, my mother does marijuana and alcohol.
[01:07:14]  My father drinks.
[01:07:16]  My father is alcohol.
[01:07:17]  So both alcohol, mother as well, has marijuana.
[01:07:21]  And how often do they drink?
[01:07:24]  My mother drinks nightly.
[01:07:26]  My father, I think, drinks a little less than he did when he was younger, but I still believe it's almost nightly.
[01:07:34]  So they're both alcoholics.
[01:07:36]  And how often does your mother do weed?
[01:07:39]  I would say almost daily now.
[01:07:42]  Okay.
[01:07:43]  And your father drank more when you were younger, right?
[01:07:45]  I believe so.
[01:07:46]  Okay.
[01:07:47]  Have you ever known your parents free of these substances?
[01:07:52]  So you've kind of never met your parents, right?
[01:07:55]  So my mother, it's like she'll tend to drink.
[01:07:58]  Well, both of them tend to not start drinking until about 5 p.m., you know, when they would get off their work day.
[01:08:03]  Like they wouldn't go to work drunk, but.
[01:08:05]  Obviously, there's implications in the morning after a night of drinking.
[01:08:09]  So I think that's.
[01:08:10]  Yeah, you've either met them drinking or recovering from drinking.
[01:08:13]  Right, right.
[01:08:14]  Well said.
[01:08:15]  Yep.
[01:08:16]  Okay.
[01:08:16]  So you've not met your parents free of these substances?
[01:08:20]  Right.
[01:08:20]  I think that's a fair assessment.
[01:08:23]  And do they admit that they have problems with alcohol or your mother with weed?
[01:08:28]  Not in a.
[01:08:29]  No, definitely not in a direct way.
[01:08:31]  And even I would say they don't think they have a problem.
[01:08:35]  And I don't think my father, even though he's been dealing with this with my mother's drinking for, I don't know, 35 plus years, I think there's still a level of denial that exists there.
[01:08:48]  There were times as kids where he would be like, I think your mother's getting better with her drinking.
[01:08:51]  And I'd be like, I can, that was when I was in college, not living at home.
[01:08:54]  And then I'd come home and be like, even without coming home, I'd be like, I can almost guarantee you that's not true, that her drinking has not changed one bit.
[01:09:03]  Where is your?

=== Family Patterns of Addiction (03:18) ===

[01:09:04]  You have an older sister, is that right?
[01:09:05]  Yes.
[01:09:06]  And where is she?
[01:09:07]  She is in.
[01:09:10]  No, no, sorry, don't tell me where.
[01:09:11]  Yeah, I won't tell you where.
[01:09:12]  She's out of the home.
[01:09:12]  She's out of the home.
[01:09:13]  Yes.
[01:09:13]  Yep.
[01:09:14]  Okay.
[01:09:15]  And is she married or dating?
[01:09:18]  She is married to a.
[01:09:21]  I don't think this breaks anonymity, to a guy from the UK.
[01:09:24]  Yeah, that's fine.
[01:09:25]  That's fine.
[01:09:26]  Okay.
[01:09:26]  And how is their relationship overall?
[01:09:30]  I shouldn't laugh.
[01:09:31]  That's not nice.
[01:09:33]  I.
[01:09:34]  So, my sister would always say that she also did not want to have the same marriage that my parents have, but I fear she's walking into exactly the same relationship that my parents have.
[01:09:43]  So, I'm.
[01:09:44]  And why did you laugh, do you think?
[01:09:48]  I don't have a great relationship with her husband.
[01:09:51]  Again, worldviews are very far apart.
[01:09:53]  My sister and I have a good relationship.
[01:09:56]  But then, why would you find it funny that she's walking into the same tragedy as your parents if you have a good relationship?
[01:10:03]  Yeah, it's definitely a cynical laugh to your point.
[01:10:06]  Yeah.
[01:10:08]  I think there's a.
[01:10:11]  She seems very confident that that isn't happening.
[01:10:14]  And again, her and I are having a similar issue with her that I'm having with my parents, and that if there's a difference in opinion or worldview, I really struggle to communicate it as well as, you know, I'll actually just own it.
[01:10:31]  I struggle to communicate it with them in a way that will be received in a productive fashion.
[01:10:38]  You know, even for me, some of these things are like, Obvious truths, but their worldview is so different than mine.
[01:10:48]  I don't think they would see it that way, regardless of how I framed it.
[01:10:52]  But I still want to own it and think that if I communicated it correctly, which I just haven't been able to do, maybe there would be some productivity to the conversations.
[01:11:06]  Okay, that's very abstract.
[01:11:08]  All right.
[01:11:10]  Okay.
[01:11:10]  You can try and nail me down on that if you want.
[01:11:12]  I'm happy to.
[01:11:12]  No, that's fine.
[01:11:13]  That's fine.
[01:11:14]  In the interest of time, we'll probably have to steer off.
[01:11:16]  It's just, you know, that was sort of an evil little giggle that happened.
[01:11:20]  Like she's getting hers.
[01:11:21]  She's going to get what she deserves.
[01:11:23]  Or there was something kind of, as you said, you pointed out that was kind of cruel, right?
[01:11:27]  Yeah.
[01:11:27]  Yeah.
[01:11:27]  No.
[01:11:27]  And I think, again, it comes from a place where she, there's a confidence, or even that I think the way I perceive it is almost an arrogance that she has already avoided that future that my parents have.
[01:11:43]  With her relationship, which I personally see a lot of similarities between her relationship and my parents' relationship.
[01:11:52]  Right.
[01:11:52]  Now, what was it that got you sober five months ago?
[01:11:56]  So, my cousin's husband got sober, I don't know, let's say three to five years ago.
[01:12:04]  He is somebody else who also deals with rage for sure.
[01:12:07]  He has a more difficult family background than I do.
[01:12:11]  He's been kicking my tires, is the way I put it, for a while on getting sober.
[01:12:17]  His issue was alcohol, though mine obviously marijuana, but both addicts nonetheless.

=== Fear of the Real World (15:02) ===

[01:12:22]  He invited me to a men's fellowship group via Zoom.
[01:12:27]  I joined that and they break you into small groups during that.
[01:12:34]  I had two guys in there that, and I was really just at the bottom, I think, as well.
[01:12:37]  Like I was in kind of the pit of despair, if I can put it that way.
[01:12:41]  And I was just really isolated and I was, again, using marijuana all the time.
[01:12:45]  And these two guys prayed over me.
[01:12:49]  And just gave me some real support that just felt like a very foreign idea.
[01:12:54]  Like when it happened, I was like, I've never really had this kind of thing happen.
[01:12:59]  And I got off the call and I was like, well, if not now, then when?
[01:13:02]  What's it going to take?
[01:13:04]  And I think in a lot of ways as well, I've known that I've had a problem with marijuana, even when I would try and rationalize to myself that it wasn't a problem since I was 17 or 18, since it really became an addiction.
[01:13:18]  So, but that was the moment in time that first time in the men's fellowship when I had those two guys pray over me, where I basically got off the call and said, okay, it's time.
[01:13:30]  Oh, so this wasn't in person?
[01:13:32]  No, it was over Zoom.
[01:13:33]  It was over Zoom.
[01:13:34]  Okay, got it.
[01:13:35]  Sorry.
[01:13:35]  Okay, you mentioned it.
[01:13:36]  All right.
[01:13:37]  Okay.
[01:13:39]  All right.
[01:13:40]  So, why are you at home?
[01:13:43]  You can easily afford to move out.
[01:13:45]  Pardon me.
[01:13:46]  Well, so as I meant, I mean, you're 31 years old.
[01:13:50]  Yep.
[01:13:51]  You've got no life.
[01:13:51]  You're living with two rampant addicts, one of whom is, well, both of whom are violent.
[01:13:57]  Why would you stay?
[01:14:01]  Rent feels like a waste of money.
[01:14:04]  You have over a quarter million dollars.
[01:14:07]  Let's call it, it's 180, but same difference.
[01:14:11]  Same difference.
[01:14:11]  Okay, sorry.
[01:14:12]  Yeah, no, sorry.
[01:14:13]  You started with two.
[01:14:13]  Okay, so you got $180,000, right?
[01:14:16]  Yep.
[01:14:19]  So, you have money.
[01:14:21]  Why are you home?
[01:14:22]  It doesn't feel right using the money on rent.
[01:14:27]  It made.
[01:14:30]  Okay.
[01:14:31]  It doesn't feel right.
[01:14:32]  It's not an argument.
[01:14:33]  Why are you home?
[01:14:35]  I mean, you're an intelligent guy, would you say?
[01:14:39]  I think I can be, but also there's.
[01:14:43]  No, wisdom is different.
[01:14:45]  I mean, everybody who is what I do is smart.
[01:14:48]  I'm competent.
[01:14:48]  Okay.
[01:14:49]  So let me ask you this.
[01:14:51]  What are the costs of you living at home?
[01:14:53]  Obviously, there's a benefit.
[01:14:55]  You can save 800 bucks a month, 500 bucks a month, 1,000 bucks a month, whatever, right?
[01:14:59]  And you have 180 of those, right?
[01:15:02]  So you got like 15 years worth of rent sitting in the fucking bank account.
[01:15:06]  And you say, well, I don't want to waste money on rent, right?
[01:15:09]  So, well, more than that, you basically have infinity rent because you invest that and, right, you've got your rent, right?
[01:15:16]  Yeah, sure.
[01:15:17]  Okay.
[01:15:17]  So what does it cost you to be at home?
[01:15:21]  Personal or character development or personal development, the emotional strain of being here, growing up into an actual adult in a lot of ways.
[01:15:33]  Yeah, so it keeps you a kid.
[01:15:36]  You're around violent people who are addicts, who you can't talk to, who are scary.
[01:15:41]  You can't date because who the hell are you going to bring her home?
[01:15:45]  Right, right, right.
[01:15:46]  No, I mean, don't laugh.
[01:15:47]  I mean, this is serious shit, right?
[01:15:49]  Yeah, no, it is.
[01:15:49]  You can't date.
[01:15:50]  You can't grow up.
[01:15:51]  You're frightened.
[01:15:51]  You're anxious.
[01:15:52]  Like, why are you there?
[01:15:54]  That's what I'm trying to figure out.
[01:15:59]  There may be a fear of the real world, a fear of failure, a fear of.
[01:16:06]  No, no, no, bro.
[01:16:07]  Please.
[01:16:08]  You're already failing.
[01:16:08]  Yeah.
[01:16:10]  You got no job.
[01:16:10]  You got no girl.
[01:16:11]  Yeah.
[01:16:12]  You're already failing and you're 31.
[01:16:14]  Yep.
[01:16:14]  Yep.
[01:16:15]  Don't talk to me about fear of failure.
[01:16:16]  That's what you, that's like somebody being in the ocean saying, I'm afraid of the ocean.
[01:16:21]  It's like, no, no, you're already in the ocean, bro.
[01:16:23]  Right.
[01:16:23]  So you're already failing.
[01:16:25]  Right.
[01:16:25]  Right.
[01:16:25]  We want you to not fail.
[01:16:27]  Right.
[01:16:27]  So it's not that.
[01:16:29]  Why are you there?
[01:16:30]  The next thought that comes to mind is again, comfort or again, as an excuse to why the failure is there.
[01:16:37]  Okay.
[01:16:38]  Let's say I have a friend who's roughly your age.
[01:16:41]  She's a really great woman.
[01:16:42]  You know, she's smart.
[01:16:43]  She's wise.
[01:16:44]  She's curious.
[01:16:45]  She's deep, thoughtful.
[01:16:48]  Okay.
[01:16:49]  And so sell me on her dating you.
[01:16:52]  What would you say to sell her on her dating you while you're living at home?
[01:16:58]  That'd be a really hard sell to your point.
[01:17:00]  I think I'm somewhat physically attractive.
[01:17:03]  I think.
[01:17:04]  No, that's not even going to be remotely enough because she's wise.
[01:17:07]  Guys, go ahead.
[01:17:08]  Yep.
[01:17:09]  Yep.
[01:17:11]  I don't think I could sell myself to her.
[01:17:14]  Okay.
[01:17:15]  So that's what it costs you.
[01:17:16]  You can't get a quality girlfriend.
[01:17:19]  Now, help me understand like, I mean, you know this, right?
[01:17:23]  Because you're not dating.
[01:17:24]  So help me understand why a guy who's sitting on $180,000 won't move out.
[01:17:31]  Because he wants to save money on rent, knowing that he can't date a woman who's even remotely quality while living with two abusive drunks and addicts.
[01:17:45]  Okay, let me ask you something else.
[01:17:49]  Which one of your parents, or perhaps it's both of them, wants you to stay home?
[01:17:55]  I think I've heard it from both of them.
[01:17:58]  Not that they want me to stay home, but to not rush out.
[01:18:03]  Oh, that means they want you to stay home.
[01:18:04]  Sure.
[01:18:05]  Any parent who's telling a 31 year old man not to rush out wants that person.
[01:18:10]  They want you to stay home.
[01:18:11]  So why do they want you to stay home?
[01:18:12]  I think they're saying it out of.
[01:18:15]  They feel like it's the right thing to say.
[01:18:16]  I'm not sure that they actually know that.
[01:18:18]  No, no, no, come on.
[01:18:19]  They're addicts and they're abusive and violent at times, or at least threaten it, right?
[01:18:24]  So let's not talk about their high moral standards and wanting to do the right thing.
[01:18:27]  Come on, let's be honest.
[01:18:28]  Why do they want you to stay home?
[01:18:31]  I don't know.
[01:18:34]  It's not like they're proud of me.
[01:18:35]  That can't be it.
[01:18:37]  Obviously not.
[01:18:37]  I'm an adult son living at home.
[01:18:39]  No.
[01:18:39]  Why?
[01:18:40]  Okay.
[01:18:40]  Why?
[01:18:41]  What's the most typical reason that parents want the last child to stay home?
[01:18:46]  I don't know.
[01:18:47]  They don't like each other.
[01:18:48]  Well, that's definitely the case.
[01:18:49]  That's certainly true.
[01:18:50]  Yeah.
[01:18:51]  So they need a buffer.
[01:18:52]  They need you around so they're not just staring at each other, disliking each other.
[01:18:55]  They need you around as a distraction.
[01:18:57]  They need you around as a buffer.
[01:18:59]  They need you around as someone to feel superior to you or someone to have as a topic of conversation or someone to be.
[01:19:04]  Frustrated by anything other than just look across that kitchen table at each other and dislike each other.
[01:19:10]  So you're just serving your parents.
[01:19:15]  And that's why your father was saying, Well, son, I know it's been a year that you've been working there, but you know, it might last and you should stay home and right.
[01:19:23]  Because he doesn't want to be alone with your mother.
[01:19:26]  That makes sense.
[01:19:28]  So they're just continuing to sacrifice your life for their own selfish needs.
[01:19:35]  And you're just going right along with it.
[01:19:38]  That makes sense.
[01:19:40]  Okay.
[01:19:40]  So, what are you going to do?
[01:19:42]  I think I need to shift the priority from figuring out a way to make an income right away to I think moving out probably needs to be the first priority then.
[01:19:52]  Right.
[01:19:52]  So, what are you going to do?
[01:19:53]  You're going to move out?
[01:19:54]  Yeah.
[01:19:55]  I think that's got it.
[01:19:56]  Good.
[01:19:57]  Yeah.
[01:19:58]  Okay.
[01:19:58]  So, you move out.
[01:19:59]  And when are you going to move out?
[01:20:01]  Hopefully, as soon as possible.
[01:20:03]  What does that mean?
[01:20:06]  Another wrinkle, they have a, and again, I think I'll know your, I think I know that this is not something I should do.
[01:20:13]  They have, my grandparents had a spot down in Florida when they passed.
[01:20:16]  My parents inherited it, and it's basically unoccupied for like nine months of the year.
[01:20:22]  So I've considered going down there just to create space and to be able to start doing things as an adult.
[01:20:28]  But that may, okay, so when can you move out?
[01:20:31]  If you, let's say you go down there, I don't know, whatever, right?
[01:20:33]  Let's, when can you move out?
[01:20:34]  I mean, if you're willing to go down there, you'd have to get a job.
[01:20:37]  Either remotely or down there.
[01:20:38]  And then when they move in, you'd have to move someplace nearby so that you're around your job.
[01:20:43]  But okay, so when could you move down there?
[01:20:46]  They supposedly had a trip planned for early April.
[01:20:52]  But my plan was to go down there April 1 because that was when their renter leaves.
[01:20:57]  But now I'm kind of again, and this would tie back to what you're mentioning about them just wanting to have me as a buffer.
[01:21:07]  When the trip is scheduled, and I don't think they actually have a hard date yet.
[01:21:10]  So, and there's some other tangential excuses as to why they don't have the date yet, as from my conversation with them.
[01:21:18]  But, but in theory, I could get in my car, and as long as they aren't planning a trip down there in the next, you know, during this month, they won't go down there again until I think it's October or later.
[01:21:31]  Okay.
[01:21:32]  So good.
[01:21:32]  That gives you like five, six months to get settled.
[01:21:35]  You're not paying rent, I assume.
[01:21:37]  Right.
[01:21:37]  And you can look for work and you can.
[01:21:40]  Get some peace and quiet and out from under the wings of the parents, and that's a good plan.
[01:21:47]  Yeah, one of my closer friends is down, or my closest friend is down in that area too.
[01:21:51]  So that's one of the reasons I've been considering it as well.
[01:21:55]  But I think to your point, there's a priority shift that needs to happen in terms of maybe getting a gym.
[01:22:00]  I mean, do you want to get married and have kids at some point?
[01:22:02]  Yes, 100%.
[01:22:03]  Yep.
[01:22:04]  Okay.
[01:22:05]  So you need to deal with your temper.
[01:22:07]  Yeah.
[01:22:08]  And I think there's just an emotional immaturity as well that I have.
[01:22:12]  No, no, I get that because your emotional life, your emotional development largely stops when you get on drugs.
[01:22:17]  Ah.
[01:22:18]  And so you're still kind of 17.
[01:22:20]  Yep.
[01:22:20]  Gotcha.
[01:22:22]  So, yeah, you're going to need to.
[01:22:26]  Have you done any talk therapy?
[01:22:27]  Have you thought about that at all?
[01:22:29]  I did therapy back in 2013.
[01:22:31]  I have not done it since.
[01:22:35]  But I have heard you talk about the benefits of it and maybe it is worthwhile to research.
[01:22:39]  I think the thought of finding a therapist that I can relate it to feels challenging.
[01:22:46]  Well, you could at least start with anger management.
[01:22:49]  Because there are therapists who specialize in that.
[01:22:51]  And it's not a lengthy, it's not like a month to months, it's weeks to deal with some basic anger management approaches so that you can feel confident that your temper isn't going to run away with you.
[01:23:03]  Okay.
[01:23:05]  So I would certainly look into that.
[01:23:06]  And yeah, I mean, I think moving out would be a good plan.
[01:23:10]  And then if you have six months to find a job and then to move out from that place, that seems pretty good.
[01:23:19]  Because, you know, men, we tend to get a little comfortable in the Groundhog Day, right?
[01:23:24]  The sort of copy paste Bill Murray days.
[01:23:27]  We tend to get a little comfortable and we don't really notice the passage of time as much, right?
[01:23:30]  Right, right.
[01:23:31]  Yeah, I feel like I blinked.
[01:23:32]  So we don't have the metronome of the periods and so on.
[01:23:34]  Right, sorry.
[01:23:34]  No, I was going to say, I feel like I blinked from 18 to 31 in a lot of ways.
[01:23:39]  Well, I mean, that's a drug haze too, right?
[01:23:41]  Sure.
[01:23:43]  Drug suppresses the panic of aging, which is one of the reasons why stoners tend to stay so immature as a whole, right?
[01:23:50]  So.
[01:23:51]  Yeah, I mean, you need to get out.
[01:23:54]  You are in an emergency situation.
[01:23:57]  It is an emergency.
[01:23:58]  And I'll just tell you why, sort of very briefly.
[01:24:02]  Because any woman who looks at you, still living at home, having been a drug addict for many, many years, 13 years or whatever it was, and not really having any steady source of income and not having any dating experience, she's going to assume you're a pornography addict.
[01:24:22]  She's going to assume that.
[01:24:23]  You're highly dysfunctional.
[01:24:24]  She's, I mean, and so quality women won't date you, and you don't want to get married to a woman who's highly dysfunctional, right?
[01:24:33]  I totally agree.
[01:24:34]  And pornography was an issue as well.
[01:24:36]  I'm sorry I did, I neglected to mention that earlier.
[01:24:39]  No, that's fine.
[01:24:40]  I assume that, right?
[01:24:41]  Because, I mean, men have a high sex drive, and without a relationship, men turn to pornography.
[01:24:47]  So that, but a woman will know that, right?
[01:24:50]  And that's not erasable.
[01:24:51]  I mean, obviously you can stop.
[01:24:53]  It sounds like you have.
[01:24:53]  That's good.
[01:24:54]  But it's not erasable.
[01:24:55]  I mean, it's still, it's still.
[01:24:57]  A habit that you had, right?
[01:25:00]  And so, yeah, it is kind of an emergency.
[01:25:02]  It's not the same as if you were 22 or 23, but it's an emergency because you will become, it's not a question of whether you're dateable or not.
[01:25:11]  It's a question is, are you dateable by a quality woman?
[01:25:14]  Right, right.
[01:25:16]  And would you say, that's why I was asking, how would you sell yourself to a quality woman?
[01:25:20]  And you can't right now, right?
[01:25:22]  Correct.
[01:25:24]  So, you need to be able to.
[01:25:26]  The other thing, too, is you need to find a way to get in touch with your emotions, but it's very tough to get in touch with your emotions when you're around addicted and aggressive or verbally threatening parents because your emotions go into hiding because you're in a state of threat.
[01:25:40]  It's like having emotions around aggressive people.
[01:25:43]  It's like trying to daydream when you're being hunted by a bear in the woods.
[01:25:46]  You can't daydream.
[01:25:46]  You can't let your mind wander because you're under a state of threat.
[01:25:49]  So, you can't let yourself have emotions if you're around aggressive parents.
[01:25:54]  Right.
[01:25:55]  And especially because your parents are destroying their own emotional capacities.
[01:25:59]  And I assume that there's no real emotional capacities left because they've been addicts for decades and decades and decades.
[01:26:05]  So your parents have no authentic, genuine, spontaneous emotions and they're exploitive and they're exploiting your future in order to keep you around, I assume.
[01:26:18]  And so because you're around people who are aggressive but no authentic emotions, what is your own relationship to your own emotions?
[01:26:24]  Virtually non existent, right?
[01:26:26]  Which is why you report things like a 1950s announcer.
[01:26:30]  Gotcha.
[01:26:31]  Rather than having an actual genuine connection to what's going on.
[01:26:35]  Yeah.
[01:26:35]  And I feel like I've developed a strong facade that way, to your point.
[01:26:39]  The way you're referring to not having a connection with authentic, my own authentic emotions, I think that's super accurate.
[01:26:44]  I think I can feel it myself.
[01:26:46]  Yeah.
[01:26:46]  I mean, to take a silly example, it's like, and then three weekends ago, I did beat a hobo to death, but then I went to go and get Subway and I did this.
[01:26:52]  And again, I'm sort of making a bit of fun, but, you know, it's, it's, Kind of a monotone of dissociation, if that makes sense.
[01:26:58]  And it does.
[01:26:59]  You know, I'm sure that you feel deeply and richly, but it's been hammered out by the aggression of your parents and you surrender to what it is that they want rather than what it is that's best for you, if that makes sense.
[01:27:10]  Right.
[01:27:10]  And I think I did the same thing as an athlete as well with coaches as well.
[01:27:15]  It's like you just, if you want to get playing time, you surrender to the abuse of coaches.
[01:27:21]  Right.
[01:27:23]  Right.

=== Adding Virtue to Your Life (10:27) ===

[01:27:25]  And it is an emergency because if you want to date someone, You know, within a couple of years of your own age range, which has its values, then you're going to, you know, very quickly be dealing with women who are in their late 20s, early 30s.
[01:27:39]  And then you're going to need to move quickly in order if you want to have a couple of kids, right?
[01:27:43]  Because you don't want to start dating a woman in her mid to late 30s if you want a couple of kids because it starts to get really dicey.
[01:27:49]  So you are in a short runway situation.
[01:27:52]  Right.
[01:27:52]  Exactly.
[01:27:54]  And of course, you can always say, yes, but I'm immature, so I can get a woman in her early 20s.
[01:27:59]  It's like, yes, but why would she choose you if she's functional, right?
[01:28:03]  Right.
[01:28:03]  Because she'd rather have a more functional person.
[01:28:05]  So, yeah, you've got to up your game.
[01:28:08]  You're going to go into the major leagues, so to speak, of dating with intent to marry and have children, which means you have to choose a woman who's going to be a great mother.
[01:28:17]  Being a great mother requires that she be emotionally mature and stable.
[01:28:20]  And if she's emotionally mature and stable, you have to be the guy that she wants.
[01:28:24]  And I think that's going to take some fairly decisive action, if that makes sense.
[01:28:28]  It does.
[01:28:28]  It does.
[01:28:30]  If I may ask a follow up question, I think I don't trust myself to find virtuous people and to actually create.
[01:28:39]  I think I have a concern with myself over pair bonding with friends, but also with finding a relationship.
[01:28:46]  No, but sorry, but you can't find virtuous.
[01:28:48]  You can't find a virtuous woman at the moment.
[01:28:51]  Can you tell me more about that?
[01:28:52]  Because, well, why would she date you?
[01:28:55]  You still have issues with rage, you're still under the thumb of abusive and.
[01:29:01]  Addicted parents.
[01:29:02]  I assume that has conditioned your entire social circle because a quality person would run out of patience with you as an addict of 13 years or more, right?
[01:29:13]  So, where would you even find a virtuous?
[01:29:17]  We say, ah, well, in church, right?
[01:29:19]  You go to church, is that right?
[01:29:20]  Correct.
[01:29:20]  You read my mind.
[01:29:21]  Yep.
[01:29:21]  Okay.
[01:29:21]  So, let's say that there's a really godly, virtuous woman with a great family and she's honest and direct and so on.
[01:29:29]  Is she going to want to date you at the moment?
[01:29:31]  I'm not saying.
[01:29:32]  Like never, but would she want to date you at the moment?
[01:29:35]  No, probably not.
[01:29:36]  Right.
[01:29:37]  So you can't get a hold of a virtuous woman until you become virtuous, right?
[01:29:44]  Right.
[01:29:45]  And to become virtuous, you need to recognize what being at home is costing you, which is all the more frustrating because you're sitting on $180,000, which is a hell of a lot of money.
[01:29:57]  And you're putting yourself through this suffering of being with your parents and giving up on having a quality relationship and maintaining your rage issues and so on, whereas you could have solved it years ago.
[01:30:11]  And listen, I'm obviously completely thrilled that you're off the drugs.
[01:30:14]  I think that's great.
[01:30:15]  It probably took a little longer than it should have, but I'm still thrilled about that.
[01:30:19]  But.
[01:30:21]  A quality woman, let's say there's a quality woman who's interested in dating you, she finds out that you're still enmeshed with abusive, addicted parents.
[01:30:33]  Is she going to want them to be the grandparents of her children?
[01:30:36]  No, I've considered once I've moved out, cutting contact with my parents with that exact thought in mind I don't know if I would want my future wife to even meet my parents.
[01:30:50]  Oh, yeah.
[01:30:50]  I mean, if my wife had met my mother, I wouldn't be married.
[01:30:53]  Mm hmm.
[01:30:53]  Gotcha.
[01:30:54]  Like, there's just no way.
[01:30:55]  And, you know, that's, I'm not saying that's a template for everyone.
[01:30:57]  I'm just telling you that that's because she would have met my mother and been like, well, I, no, I'm not, I'm not merging with this family.
[01:31:04]  Like, I'm just not going to do it.
[01:31:07]  No matter how fun and smart Steph is, I'm not, I'm not spending the next 40 years with this woman around.
[01:31:14]  Right.
[01:31:15]  Or my dad, this, this man.
[01:31:16]  Right.
[01:31:17]  So, yeah.
[01:31:18]  So you are asking a woman not to, to just date you because you're older.
[01:31:23]  So you, you know, there's no time for just casual dating.
[01:31:26]  Right.
[01:31:27]  Which means that, You're asking a woman to join your family.
[01:31:30]  And if you're still, you know, close in touch with your family and the issues are not resolved and they're still alcohol and weed addicts, or at least your mom is and your dad is an alcoholic, I mean, what will she, is she going to want to join that family?
[01:31:42]  Yeah, no, certainly not.
[01:31:44]  Fuck no.
[01:31:45]  Fuck no.
[01:31:46]  I mean, it's just a fact.
[01:31:47]  I'm sorry that that's a fact.
[01:31:49]  I really am.
[01:31:49]  Like, I have great sympathy for that fact.
[01:31:53]  But it is still just a fact that if you're around, and you got to think about this ruthlessly, your friends, your family, Extended family, are they adding to your ability to attract and keep a quality woman?
[01:32:07]  And you have to be ruthless about that shit.
[01:32:11]  You know, like if when you were a coach, if there was some athlete, amazing potential, but just hung around with guys who got him drunk, made him smoke weed or encouraged him to smoke weed, kept him up all night so that he was shit at practice, what would you tell him to do?
[01:32:24]  Stop hanging out with those people.
[01:32:25]  Stop associating with them.
[01:32:26]  Yeah.
[01:32:27]  Ditch the losers.
[01:32:29]  Right?
[01:32:29]  You don't have more potential.
[01:32:31]  Than your least quality relationship.
[01:32:35]  Ditch the losers.
[01:32:36]  You would say that.
[01:32:38]  Your loser friends are destroying what could be a great sports career.
[01:32:42]  And if you choose your loser friends, you're a loser.
[01:32:46]  And if you choose a sports career, you've got to dump your loser friends.
[01:32:49]  I mean, I'm sure you've had thoughts, if not direct conversations about that with players, right?
[01:32:54]  Sure.
[01:32:54]  Yeah, sure.
[01:32:55]  Right.
[01:32:56]  Right.
[01:32:56]  You can't show up to practice with a hangover.
[01:33:00]  If you go out, if your friends, And they know you've got practice in the morning.
[01:33:04]  If your friends are like, hey, let's stay out and vape and smoke and drink, and then you show up, that means that they don't care.
[01:33:10]  Right.
[01:33:12]  That means they don't care.
[01:33:13]  That they don't give a shit about you.
[01:33:15]  They don't give a shit about your future.
[01:33:17]  They may, in fact, snigger and enjoy destroying it because they're losers and you have to cut the losers.
[01:33:22]  Like hot air balloons, right?
[01:33:24]  What do you have to do?
[01:33:24]  You've got to cut the ropes that, or untie the ropes that keep you on the ground.
[01:33:28]  You can't go higher than the rope that's attached, right?
[01:33:31]  And so, if you're looking for a quality relationship, you have to just be ruthless.
[01:33:35]  You've got to have this cold, doll's Robert Shaw shark lizard eye just cast it about like the eye of Sauron and say, Are you adding or subtracting to my ability? to get and keep a quality mate.
[01:33:48]  A virtuous, good woman.
[01:33:51]  Are you adding or subtracting to that?
[01:33:53]  Now, some of my friends, when I met my wife, we had great fun.
[01:33:56]  We went out, we laughed.
[01:33:58]  We call it shits and giggles, right?
[01:33:59]  You're just having a lot of fun, making jokes, and we had a blast.
[01:34:03]  And they were very positive and very helpful and very healthy.
[01:34:06]  And some of my friends weren't, sadly.
[01:34:08]  And I was just, you know, I was pretty ruthless back in the day, right?
[01:34:12]  It's like, whatever.
[01:34:14]  If my wife enjoys your company, she's got pretty good taste, I think.
[01:34:17]  If my wife enjoys your company, wonderful.
[01:34:20]  If my wife has serious doubts, About you.
[01:34:22]  Like, my wife, of course, was a practice psychology for like 25 years.
[01:34:27]  And, you know, one or two of my friends just got super nervous because they thought she had these like psychic powers, which she kind of does in a way.
[01:34:34]  But they were just really anxious and not themselves.
[01:34:37]  And, you know, I'd have talks with them like, there's no reason to freak out.
[01:34:41]  She's not a witch, well, she kind of is.
[01:34:45]  But if they were just like too weird, freaked out, nervous, you know, it's just like, nope, we're not hanging out.
[01:34:50]  Like, sorry, like you either add to my ability to get and keep a quality woman.
[01:34:56]  Or you're gone because that's what matters, not some friendship I accumulated along the way.
[01:35:02]  And you just got to look at that your entire environment friends, family, extended family, I don't care who.
[01:35:08]  Are you adding to my ability to get a quality woman or are you subtracting from it?
[01:35:14]  Because if you're subtracting from it and you can't fix it, you got to choose the quality woman because it's about what's best for your kids, your future kids, right?
[01:35:22]  And the quality woman is the best for your kids.
[01:35:24]  Having some goofy doofus friend isn't going to do your kids any good if it means that they can't get a quality mom because of that.
[01:35:32]  Right.
[01:35:33]  Right.
[01:35:34]  All right.
[01:35:35]  Is there anything else that you wanted to mention?
[01:35:37]  I appreciate the conversation and I really am.
[01:35:39]  Incredibly sorry for what you suffered as a kid and what your parents are still inflicting on you.
[01:35:44]  I have a great deal of contempt for parents who are addicts because you really have to make better decisions than that when you choose to have children.
[01:35:52]  And I'm sorry that they didn't.
[01:35:55]  I'm grateful to hear, or I'm appreciative of the sympathy.
[01:35:58]  I think just one quick follow up when you're doing the ruthless evaluation, would you just ghost the people who weren't up to that standard, or would you have a dialogue with them, or how would you handle that?
[01:36:12]  Oh, yeah, no, always, always.
[01:36:14]  I mean, I'm always a big fan of conversation.
[01:36:15]  Yeah, yeah.
[01:36:16]  Just say, look, I mean, you, you, you know, you're kind of goofy.
[01:36:19]  You drink too much, you know, like you're, you're kind of going nowhere.
[01:36:22]  And, you know, I, I kind of need to be able to attract a quality woman and I, I'd be a little embarrassed, honestly.
[01:36:27]  And, you know, I'm sorry about this.
[01:36:29]  And it's not like I've been perfect, but, you know, I'm going to need you to kind of up your game and get your life together.
[01:36:34]  And, you know, if they do that, then you've helped them.
[01:36:37]  And if they don't do that, you know, but yeah, I'm always a big fan of having conversations with people and, and certainly giving them, An option.
[01:36:45]  And if I wasn't to go down to Florida, I assume just still moving out of just this house, even if it's staying local to me, would be worthwhile.
[01:36:54]  Yeah.
[01:36:55]  Okay.
[01:36:55]  I think so.
[01:36:56]  And then from the virtuous standpoint, or from developing a character of virtue, obviously dealing with the rage is the top priority.
[01:37:05]  Is there anything else you'd want to add on top of that as kind of like a roadmap for me?
[01:37:10]  Yeah.
[01:37:11]  I mean, I think trying to figure out why you chose.
[01:37:13]  The marijuana for 12 or 13 years would be important.
[01:37:16]  And dealing with the, it sounds like, you know, a lot of stress from the trauma of growing up with addicts.
[01:37:25]  Adult Children of Alcoholics is a pretty good book to read, just in terms of all of the emotional development that doesn't happen when you grow up with addicts.
[01:37:33]  It's really, really tragic.
[01:37:34]  And getting in touch with both the sadness and the anger about all of that, I think, would be a great positive.
[01:37:40]  Okay.
[01:37:42]  All right.
[01:37:42]  Well, listen, I appreciate the conversation.
[01:37:44]  I hope you'll keep me posted about how it's going.
[01:37:45]  And I wish you the very best going forward.
[01:37:48]  Thank you, Stefan.
[01:37:49]  I'm grateful for your time.
[01:37:50]  Thank you very much.
[01:37:51]  All the best, brother.
[01:37:51]  Take care.
[01:37:52]  Bye-bye.
[01:37:52]  Take care.