Freedomain Radio - Stefan Molyneux - STOP LISTENING TO ME LATER! CALL IN SHOW
Aired: 2026-04-16
Duration: 01:20:34


=== Wife's Anger and Loyalty (12:02) ===

[00:00:00]  I've been listening to your show for a long time.
[00:00:02]  I guess 10 years at least.
[00:00:04]  I heard a bunch of these Colin shows and, uh, I guess I'll, uh, I forget the exact text of my email, but, um, uh, my wife and I had our second baby eight months ago.
[00:00:15]  Uh, and since my first son was born, my wife has struggled a lot with, with anger problems towards our children, particularly our son who is, who is older.
[00:00:27]  And, uh, it's been, it's been gradually getting better, but, but, Not as fast as I would like.
[00:00:33]  Okay, what sort of anger issues?
[00:00:36]  Well, she has a very short fuse when it comes to misbehavior.
[00:00:40]  And he's a little boy, so he misbehaves time to time.
[00:00:44]  He's messy, you know, he's rude.
[00:00:47]  And usually, especially when she hasn't slept very much, she will start screaming at him and, yeah, shouting.
[00:00:54]  I'm sorry, how old is he?
[00:00:56]  He is almost four.
[00:00:58]  He's three?
[00:00:59]  Yes.
[00:01:00]  He's only four and a couple of months.
[00:01:03]  She screams at a three year old because she considers him rude?
[00:01:09]  Yes.
[00:01:10]  Isn't it rude to scream at a three year old?
[00:01:13]  Yes, it is.
[00:01:15]  So, how on earth does she get to call him rude when she's screaming at him?
[00:01:19]  Yeah, that is the thing.
[00:01:20]  She does not.
[00:01:21]  No, but she does it somehow.
[00:01:23]  She justifies it somehow, right?
[00:01:25]  No, she doesn't.
[00:01:27]  Once her mood calms, she feels bad and apologizes and becomes, yeah, goes into a miserable mood for a while.
[00:01:37]  Oh, sorry.
[00:01:38]  So she doesn't think he's rude.
[00:01:39]  She just calls him rude in the moment.
[00:01:40]  But she doesn't actually think that he's rude.
[00:01:43]  No, she doesn't.
[00:01:45]  Once she calms down and we have a rational conversation, she fully understands he's just a little boy.
[00:01:50]  He's just trying to get what he wants.
[00:01:51]  He's just trying to test boundaries, you know, what little boys are supposed to do.
[00:01:56]  Well, what sort of behavior would she call rude?
[00:02:02]  Well, throwing tantrums, generally, is the main trigger.
[00:02:07]  When he doesn't want to do something, he will throw a tantrum to try to get what he wants.
[00:02:11]  But your wife throws tantrums?
[00:02:13]  Yes, indeed.
[00:02:15]  Okay, so sorry, I'm a little confused.
[00:02:17]  Where does she think his tantrums come from?
[00:02:20]  From her anger.
[00:02:22]  Oh, so she understands that she's teaching him how to have tantrums.
[00:02:25]  Yes, yes, she's well aware.
[00:02:27]  She's listened, well, she hasn't listened to your show per se, but she read, what's the one, real time relationships?
[00:02:36]  I made her read that when we started dating.
[00:02:38]  She's fully on board with peaceful parenting.
[00:02:40]  She's never hit him.
[00:02:41]  No, she's not.
[00:02:42]  No, not if she's screaming at him.
[00:02:44]  That's terrifying for a child.
[00:02:45]  No, I understand.
[00:02:46]  I understand.
[00:02:47]  Verbally, in theory, she proclaims adherence to peaceful parenting.
[00:02:53]  Okay.
[00:02:54]  And she's not on the call, right?
[00:02:56]  No.
[00:02:57]  Why do you think?
[00:02:57]  Oh, they're sleeping now.
[00:02:59]  What?
[00:03:00]  Why is she not on the call?
[00:03:02]  Well, I'd prefer to speak to you without her at the moment.
[00:03:07]  Okay.
[00:03:08]  Got it.
[00:03:09]  See if you can glean some insights.
[00:03:11]  I've talked to her many times and I've said to her what I believe you would say, having heard hundreds of these calls.
[00:03:18]  Okay.
[00:03:18]  So, how long have you known your wife for?
[00:03:20]  Hello.
[00:03:20]  Am I back?
[00:03:21]  Yes.
[00:03:21]  I'm back.
[00:03:22]  Ah, okay.
[00:03:24]  So, when the phone auto locks, the audio goes out.
[00:03:28]  Okay.
[00:03:28]  How long have you known your wife for?
[00:03:30]  About six years.
[00:03:32]  And how old was she when you met her?
[00:03:34]  She was 27.
[00:03:38]  And how old were you when you met her?
[00:03:40]  I was 32.
[00:03:41]  32.
[00:03:42]  Okay.
[00:03:43]  May have been 26 and 31.
[00:03:45]  I'm sorry?
[00:03:46]  May have been 36 and 21.
[00:03:48]  I forget.
[00:03:48]  That's fine.
[00:03:49]  It's fine.
[00:03:49]  It doesn't matter.
[00:03:50]  Okay.
[00:03:50]  So what was it that attracted you about your wife?
[00:03:54]  She was very pretty.
[00:03:56]  That's number one.
[00:03:59]  She was on the first actual date we had.
[00:04:06]  Her prettiness made me invite her, ask her out.
[00:04:09]  On the first date, I didn't ask her any real questions.
[00:04:13]  I was too nervous.
[00:04:14]  I could barely talk.
[00:04:15]  But on the second date, I asked her, Do you want a family?
[00:04:20]  What are your politics?
[00:04:23]  Why are you single?
[00:04:24]  Things like that.
[00:04:26]  Her answers were pretty good on all those things.
[00:04:28]  She's very caring.
[00:04:31]  And when she's not having an anger problem, she is a wonderful mother and the wife.
[00:04:36]  I mean, that doesn't mean much.
[00:04:38]  I mean, come on.
[00:04:39]  Let's not, you know.
[00:04:40]  Again, to take an extreme example, when he's not killing people, the serial killer is not murderous.
[00:04:46]  You know, you judge people by consistent bad actions, not by intermittent good actions.
[00:04:54]  So when did you first notice that she had an anger problem?
[00:04:58]  Soon after our son was born.
[00:05:01]  No, no, no.
[00:05:02]  Don't believe you.
[00:05:04]  How long was it between when you met her and you having a child?
[00:05:08]  About two years.
[00:05:09]  Are you saying that in those two years, she never exhibited any kind of anger problem?
[00:05:15]  All right.
[00:05:16]  Can you hear me?
[00:05:17]  Yes, yes.
[00:05:18]  Here I am.
[00:05:18]  Sorry.
[00:05:19]  Yeah.
[00:05:19]  So here's what you need to do you need to go into your phone settings and turn off the screen lock.
[00:05:24]  I'll do that.
[00:05:26]  Working on that.
[00:05:27]  In the meantime, no, like I said, I've never witnessed any anger problems.
[00:05:34]  Before we had children.
[00:05:36]  All right.
[00:05:37]  So, what you're telling me is that for two years, she hid that she has an anger problem.
[00:05:42]  Yeah.
[00:05:43]  Do you think that's believable?
[00:05:45]  Who's you again?
[00:05:47]  Yeah.
[00:05:48]  I don't know if we can do the call if you keep coming.
[00:05:50]  Oh, I'm sorry.
[00:05:51]  I was.
[00:05:52]  So, when I tab out to settings, apparently that turns off the mic also.
[00:05:55]  I was trying to turn off the screen lock.
[00:05:57]  Okay.
[00:05:57]  Is the screen lock off?
[00:05:59]  It is not.
[00:06:00]  Okay.
[00:06:00]  Do what you need to do.
[00:06:01]  Do what you need to do and then just come in.
[00:06:03]  I'm doing it.
[00:06:04]  All right, should be off now.
[00:06:06]  Okay, good.
[00:06:07]  So she didn't display any anger issues in the first two years of your relationship.
[00:06:14]  And did you meet her family before getting married?
[00:06:17]  I did.
[00:06:18]  Okay, and do her family have any anger issues?
[00:06:21]  Yes, I do.
[00:06:23]  Okay, who in her family has anger issues?
[00:06:25]  Mother primarily and grandmother, although I never met her.
[00:06:29]  She died before I met her.
[00:06:31]  Okay, and what family issues, sorry, what anger issues did you see in the mother?
[00:06:37]  Well, she had a very short fuse with her husband, my wife's stepfather.
[00:06:42]  She would berate him for small things.
[00:06:46]  But I know, well, from what my wife has said, my wife was viciously abused when she was a child.
[00:06:52]  Oh, physically and verbally, and primarily her grandmother, but also her mother and grandfather.
[00:06:59]  I suspect that may be the source of the anger problems towards children.
[00:07:03]  And how long have you been listening to what I do?
[00:07:07]  Long time.
[00:07:08]  Okay, that doesn't answer me.
[00:07:09]  14, 15, since 2014, 15, roughly.
[00:07:13]  Okay, so since long before you met your wife?
[00:07:16]  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:07:17]  Okay.
[00:07:18]  All right.
[00:07:19]  So you know that child abuse leaves scars, right?
[00:07:25]  I do.
[00:07:26]  And you said that your wife was viciously abused as a child by her mother, her grandmother, and her grandfather.
[00:07:33]  Did I have that right?
[00:07:34]  Yes.
[00:07:35]  Okay.
[00:07:35]  That's correct.
[00:07:36]  And in what ways was she viciously abused?
[00:07:40]  Beaten, screamed at, told she was inferior, pitted against her siblings.
[00:07:47]  Yeah.
[00:07:48]  Any sort of misbehavior, graciously punished.
[00:07:51]  And do you know how often these abuses occurred?
[00:07:55]  Very often, regularly.
[00:07:57]  It was the standard method of parenting in her small farming village.
[00:08:01]  And when did you find out about her child abuse?
[00:08:05]  Very soon into our relationship.
[00:08:07]  I asked her about it.
[00:08:08]  Okay.
[00:08:09]  And what has she done to try and deal with having been the victim of severe child abuse?
[00:08:16]  She's gone to therapy.
[00:08:18]  We've talked about it extensively.
[00:08:21]  Like I said, I'd like to read your book.
[00:08:24]  Okay.
[00:08:25]  Is she in therapy at the moment?
[00:08:28]  When was she in therapy and for how long?
[00:08:31]  Uh, two years ago, when the anger problems first, uh, I guess two and a half years ago, uh, when the anger problems first started getting very serious and our boy became a toddler, you know, he was capable of serious misbehavior.
[00:08:47]  Uh, and we, we got some therapy for her and it seemed to help for a little bit, but we couldn't afford to keep doing it all the time.
[00:08:55]  For how long did she go?
[00:08:57]  Uh, three months, I believe.
[00:08:59]  Like once a week?
[00:09:01]  Yeah.
[00:09:02]  Okay.
[00:09:02]  So she had like 12 sessions of therapy to deal with severe child abuse?
[00:09:06]  Yep.
[00:09:07]  That's what we could afford at the time.
[00:09:10]  Okay.
[00:09:10]  And to this day.
[00:09:11]  So therapy is expensive.
[00:09:15]  Compared to what?
[00:09:16]  Compared to her screaming at your son?
[00:09:19]  No, compared to having the money to pay for it.
[00:09:21]  Okay.
[00:09:22]  All right.
[00:09:23]  So why did you have.
[00:09:27]  I'm sorry.
[00:09:28]  Did you guys get married before you had your.
[00:09:30]  Son?
[00:09:31]  Yes.
[00:09:32]  Okay.
[00:09:33]  And how long ago did you get married?
[00:09:34]  We got engaged, technically not married, paperwork was later, but yeah, we were committed.
[00:09:40]  Okay.
[00:09:40]  So you've been together six years.
[00:09:42]  Your son is almost four.
[00:09:44]  So you were together, you were engaged two years in?
[00:09:48]  Yes.
[00:09:48]  Okay.
[00:09:50]  So why would you have children with an untreated victim of severe child abuse, given that you've listened to me for 15 years?
[00:09:59]  Oh, 10 years, sorry.
[00:10:02]  Well, because number one, I love her.
[00:10:05]  She was a very good partner for two years, did not display any anger issues.
[00:10:09]  I, you know, I hope for the best, I suppose.
[00:10:16]  Okay, that's interesting.
[00:10:18]  So tell me what you love about her.
[00:10:20]  And I'm not saying there's nothing to love about her.
[00:10:22]  I just want to make sure I understand it from your perspective.
[00:10:24]  Yeah, well, she's very sweet.
[00:10:26]  She's very creative.
[00:10:28]  She's very good at playing with the children when she's calm.
[00:10:34]  She is very clever.
[00:10:36]  She's very good at dealing with my idiosyncrasies as well.
[00:10:40]  I'm not without my flaws.
[00:10:44]  She's very kind, again, with an asterisk.
[00:10:50]  Okay.
[00:10:50]  I could, yeah.
[00:10:52]  All right.
[00:10:52]  So, what about moral virtues?
[00:10:56]  Kindness is nice, but, you know, it's not exactly a moral virtue.
[00:11:00]  I understand.
[00:11:01]  Well, I don't know.
[00:11:03]  What sort of moral virtues would you expect a woman to display?
[00:11:07]  She's loyal.
[00:11:09]  Yeah, I guess.
[00:11:10]  Yeah, she's loyal.
[00:11:11]  We share politics, more or less.
[00:11:14]  We met during COVID, so it was a fraught situation.
[00:11:19]  It was nice to have a fellow.
[00:11:23]  In my country, everyone really followed that program like a zombie, and she did not.
[00:11:29]  She opposed it as I did.
[00:11:32]  That was charming, I suppose.
[00:11:34]  Hello?
[00:11:35]  Can you hear me?
[00:11:35]  Yeah, I'm sorry.
[00:11:37]  I thought you were still going on with the virtues.
[00:11:39]  If you're done, that's fine.
[00:11:41]  More or less, yeah, I could try to dig some more, but yeah, I suppose the most virtuous thing I noticed about her early in our relationship was her refusal to go along with the COVID madness.
[00:11:54]  That seemed like a green flag to me.
[00:11:56]  Okay, so you consider her loyal and unvaccinated?
[00:12:00]  Yes, correct.

=== Stress Linked to Rash (04:32) ===

[00:12:02]  All right, so how long after the birth of your son did she start having these temper issues?
[00:12:10]  Well, she wouldn't scream at our son right after he was born, like when he was a baby.
[00:12:16]  But she did not tolerate sleeplessness very well.
[00:12:23]  She would become very short tempered if she didn't get good sleep, which is common when you're a new mother.
[00:12:30]  Sleep is hard to come by.
[00:12:31]  And it didn't affect her well.
[00:12:34]  So the first few months, she was irritable, but mostly at me.
[00:12:38]  She became irritated at what he was doing, but she never screamed at him or something.
[00:12:41]  She would just be trying to put a diaper on him or something, and he would be fighting and flailing around, and she would throw up her hands and give up and ask me to do it.
[00:12:50]  Things like that.
[00:12:51]  Then as he got bigger, started crawling around and walking around and causing trouble, then she would.
[00:13:00]  Sorry, what do you mean by causing trouble?
[00:13:02]  You keep saying like misbehavior, rudeness, causing trouble.
[00:13:06]  I don't understand.
[00:13:08]  Let me finish my question, bro.
[00:13:10]  If you can have a convo, you can't be talking over me, all right?
[00:13:14]  Right, you know that.
[00:13:16]  So, yeah, help me understand what she means by misbehavior or what you mean by causing trouble.
[00:13:22]  Right.
[00:13:23]  So, boy has eczema.
[00:13:26]  So, any irritation to his skin will cause a bad rash.
[00:13:31]  When he's being messy, he's crawling around on the dirty floor, he will have a rash.
[00:13:37]  So, the level of activity that he needs to do to qualify as misbehavior is quite low.
[00:13:45]  If he gets his bare skin on something that he's not supposed to have it on, he'll get a rash, which is hard to explain to a little boy.
[00:13:53]  So, that was the most common source of frustration.
[00:13:57]  Okay, so your poor son has a skin condition, and this causes him to get rashes when he touches stuff that Might cause that rash, whatever that might be.
[00:14:07]  So we would have sympathy for that, right?
[00:14:09]  It's not his fault.
[00:14:09]  He has eczema, right?
[00:14:11]  No, he's not.
[00:14:12]  Okay, so that's not misbehavior.
[00:14:13]  I don't.
[00:14:14]  Help me understand what you mean by that.
[00:14:15]  No, no, no.
[00:14:16]  But doing things that cause the rash.
[00:14:19]  No, but that's not misbehavior.
[00:14:22]  It needs to be prevented.
[00:14:23]  If he's going to be touching something that's going to affect you, it's not misbehavior.
[00:14:27]  So I guess that's the wrong word.
[00:14:28]  Okay, that's my point.
[00:14:30]  So help me understand what the right word is.
[00:14:32]  Okay, well, behavior that needs to be prevented.
[00:14:36]  Well, how do you prevent it?
[00:14:38]  That's a good word, but English is not my personal language.
[00:14:39]  It's fine.
[00:14:40]  How do you prevent it?
[00:14:42]  Oh, by removing him from the situation.
[00:14:45]  Okay.
[00:14:47]  And do you know why he has eczema?
[00:14:51]  Well, the doctor, we've had several allergy doctors, and none of them give a very good answer for why he has eczema.
[00:15:00]  Allergies don't help, but they're not the main cause.
[00:15:04]  Is eczema stress related?
[00:15:07]  I don't know.
[00:15:08]  Doctors are unclear.
[00:15:09]  Oh, they haven't, they have said they don't know if it's stress related.
[00:15:12]  Is that right?
[00:15:13]  Yeah, yeah, that's what they said.
[00:15:14]  They basically have no idea what causes it.
[00:15:16]  Is it genetic?
[00:15:18]  Environmental, it's a little bit of everything.
[00:15:22]  Interesting.
[00:15:23]  They've been very unhelpful about root causes, but treatments are by and large affected.
[00:15:29]  I'm just looking this up.
[00:15:31]  Is eczema stress related?
[00:15:35]  Okay, this is AI.
[00:15:36]  Obviously, it's far from perfect, but yes, eczema, I thought it was.
[00:15:42]  Eczema, particularly atopic dermatitis, the most common type, is strongly.
[00:15:48]  Linked to stress.
[00:15:50]  Stress is one of the most commonly reported triggers for flare ups, and recent research has uncovered specific biological mechanisms explaining exactly how it worsens symptoms.
[00:16:01]  So, stress activates the body's fight or flight response, releasing hormones like cortisol.
[00:16:06]  Chronic or high stress increases inflammation throughout the body, including the skin, weakens the skin barrier, making it harder for the skin to retain moisture and fend off irritants, and promotes the release of pro inflammatory cytokines and histamine, which It can also impair skin repair and increase scratching, which further damages the skin and creates a vicious cycle.
[00:16:28]  Worse eczema leads to more stress, which leads to even worse eczema.

=== Reducing Child Eczema Triggers (08:29) ===

[00:16:35]  And as of March 2026, a major new study published in Science, the journal, finally mapped a direct neuroimmune pathway.
[00:16:43]  So I'll let you read all of that.
[00:16:47]  So, yeah, it's highly related to stress.
[00:16:51]  Yeah, sounds possible.
[00:16:52]  Okay.
[00:16:54]  Is being screamed at very stressful for your son?
[00:16:59]  Yes, it is.
[00:16:59]  Right.
[00:17:00]  So that may be a causal factor.
[00:17:05]  I would say exacerbating factor.
[00:17:07]  He had it before she started screaming at him.
[00:17:10]  But point to point remains.
[00:17:11]  Well, hang on.
[00:17:12]  I thought you said, sorry if I got this wrong, I thought you said that she was irritable even in the first few months of being a mother.
[00:17:20]  Yes.
[00:17:21]  But not at him, just irritable about not sleeping.
[00:17:24]  And that didn't seem unusual to me.
[00:17:25]  Does it seem unusual to you for a newly begged mother with no sleep?
[00:17:29]  Is it irritable?
[00:17:30]  No, not at all.
[00:17:32]  You're tired, sure.
[00:17:33]  Yeah, tired.
[00:17:34]  Yeah, yeah.
[00:17:35]  But I mean, there's a choice, right?
[00:17:38]  Sleeplessness does not cause irritability.
[00:17:42]  Irritability and anger, in terms of manifesting in the world, are not caused by stressors, they are caused by the permission.
[00:17:53]  We give ourselves to get angry and irritable.
[00:17:57]  I mean, I've done shows where I'm tired and have a headache.
[00:18:01]  That does not give me permission to be short or snappy or negative or hostile because I'm aware that I have these negative stimuli, like I'm tired, I have a headache, or whatever it is.
[00:18:15]  And I don't give myself permission to be irritable.
[00:18:19]  That doesn't mean I don't feel irritable or anything like that from time to time, but I don't give myself permission to do that.
[00:18:27]  So, your wife gives herself permission to act out her tiredness in the form of irritability.
[00:18:34]  I mean, my wife was very tired.
[00:18:38]  We had a child who didn't sleep, and she would sometimes express some frustration to me, but she would never be irritable with her daughter because it's not her daughter's fault that she couldn't sleep.
[00:18:51]  You just get the kid you get, right?
[00:18:54]  Yeah.
[00:18:54]  So, if your wife is irritable and you say, well, not directly at your son, but it's in the environment, right?
[00:19:01]  Right.
[00:19:02]  And so he would have experienced some tension just in his mother's irritability.
[00:19:10]  That is correct.
[00:19:11]  Okay.
[00:19:13]  So at what age did your wife start screaming at your son?
[00:19:19]  Around the time he, I guess, won one year old.
[00:19:24]  Like early one or late one or in the middle?
[00:19:27]  Early one.
[00:19:28]  Okay.
[00:19:28]  He started walking early.
[00:19:32]  Okay.
[00:19:32]  Okay.
[00:19:33]  There's another problem.
[00:19:34]  He kept falling over and climbing on things, and it's also not allowed.
[00:19:39]  Sorry, what do you mean not allowed?
[00:19:40]  I mean, it needs to be prevented or he will hurt himself, you know?
[00:19:44]  I don't understand.
[00:19:45]  Climbing on what?
[00:19:46]  Climbing on furniture, tables.
[00:19:50]  Okay.
[00:19:52]  So, what furniture would he climb on that would be dangerous?
[00:19:56]  Well, chairs mostly.
[00:19:59]  Climb on the back of chairs, and they'll be on the verge of falling over.
[00:20:03]  Okay, but why wouldn't you get a little baby fence to keep him away from those chairs?
[00:20:08]  Oh, we did.
[00:20:09]  I climbed that.
[00:20:10]  Oh, we climbed over the baby fence.
[00:20:12]  The whole point of the baby fence is you have to get a bigger one so he can't climb over it.
[00:20:16]  Yeah.
[00:20:17]  Yeah.
[00:20:17]  We got a decent baby fence, and that helped a lot.
[00:20:19]  Controlling his environment was, of course, the main way to control his behavior.
[00:20:23]  But at the time, that's not possible.
[00:20:26]  And scratching is another one.
[00:20:28]  Hang on, hang on, hang on.
[00:20:30]  Sorry, you said at the time it was not possible.
[00:20:33]  I'm not sure what you meant.
[00:20:35]  Oh, no, no.
[00:20:36]  At the time it was possible.
[00:20:39]  It was the main source of.
[00:20:41]  Behavior control was the little baby fence.
[00:20:44]  Okay, got it.
[00:20:45]  So that problem was solved?
[00:20:47]  Yes.
[00:20:47]  The climbing problem was solved.
[00:20:50]  So then there's no reason for your wife to yell at your son if the problem has been solved with the baby fence.
[00:20:56]  No, not about climbing.
[00:20:57]  Scratching was a big one.
[00:21:00]  Okay.
[00:21:01]  The scratching makes the eczema worse, so you're not allowed to scratch, but you're itchy, so you want to scratch.
[00:21:09]  She will tell him, don't scratch.
[00:21:11]  It'll start very sweet.
[00:21:12]  Don't scratch.
[00:21:13]  Please don't scratch.
[00:21:14]  It'll just ignore it.
[00:21:15]  Hang on, hang on.
[00:21:16]  She's telling a one year old not to scratch?
[00:21:20]  Yep.
[00:21:21]  But that's not possible.
[00:21:23]  Nope, it is not.
[00:21:25]  So I don't understand.
[00:21:26]  I mean, I'm sure she studied some baby development stuff.
[00:21:29]  You can't give a one year old an abstract instruction like that, can you?
[00:21:33]  No.
[00:21:34]  You grab the hands, you put socks on the hands, you.
[00:21:38]  Yeah.
[00:21:38]  Well, and you try to reduce the child's stress.
[00:21:42]  Yeah.
[00:21:43]  Which snapping at them to, or yelling at them, or screaming at them to not scratch is really bad for the eczema, isn't it?
[00:21:51]  Yep.
[00:21:52]  Apparently so, says the AI.
[00:21:54]  I hadn't made that connection before.
[00:21:57]  Seems logical.
[00:21:58]  In hindsight, doctors never mentioned it.
[00:22:01]  All right.
[00:22:01]  So I will.
[00:22:03]  AI has been around for a while.
[00:22:05]  Let me ask AI triggers for eczema.
[00:22:10]  Yeah.
[00:22:11]  All right.
[00:22:12]  Maybe the AI will know.
[00:22:14]  What are.
[00:22:16]  Some triggers stress.
[00:22:18]  Which AI do you prefer?
[00:22:19]  I got it.
[00:22:20]  I use Grok.
[00:22:21]  All right.
[00:22:23]  Triggered by a variety of factors.
[00:22:27]  So dry skin, low humidity, dry cold weather, irritants and harsh products, fat room cleaning, heat, sweat, temperature changes, stress.
[00:22:33]  There we go.
[00:22:34]  Emotional or psychological.
[00:22:35]  One of the top patient recorded triggers.
[00:22:38]  It activates blah, blah, blah.
[00:22:40]  Okay.
[00:22:40]  So, yeah.
[00:22:42]  One of the top patient reported triggers is stress.
[00:22:45]  So when your child.
[00:22:47]  Has a medical issue, isn't it sensible to do some research on it?
[00:22:56]  Did you never look up the causes for eczema?
[00:22:59]  Not in the AI, I didn't.
[00:23:00]  Well, wherever.
[00:23:02]  I did.
[00:23:02]  And they were, like you said, environmental irritants mostly, but they're exacerbating factors.
[00:23:07]  The cause is at least genetic to a degree.
[00:23:13]  Okay, I will try just a regular search engine.
[00:23:17]  I'm sure I must have seen it before, but it didn't grab my eye.
[00:23:20]  I thought stress would be the main 5K.
[00:23:23]  Triggers for eczema.
[00:23:26]  All right.
[00:23:28]  Common triggers for eczema include food and environmental allergies, irritants like certain fabrics and cleaning products, stress.
[00:23:35]  Right.
[00:23:36]  So, anything you would have looked up as triggers for eczema, you would have seen stress.
[00:23:42]  Yeah, I suppose I must have seen it.
[00:23:44]  Okay.
[00:23:45]  So, then what you would want to do is you'd want to reduce the stress that your child was experiencing.
[00:23:52]  Yes.
[00:23:53]  And if his mother is screaming at him, that's about as stressful a thing as a child can experience, wouldn't you say?
[00:24:01]  Yep.
[00:24:01]  I agree.
[00:24:02]  Okay.
[00:24:03]  Which is why I would like to reduce it.
[00:24:05]  Okay.
[00:24:06]  So you have been trying to reduce the stress.
[00:24:08]  Is that right?
[00:24:09]  Yes.
[00:24:09]  Okay.
[00:24:10]  And does his mother understand that stress can be a significant trigger, one of the top triggers for eczema?
[00:24:18]  No.
[00:24:19]  Like I said, we didn't make that direct connection, but I'm sure she would if I explained it to her.
[00:24:25]  So she has not looked up triggers for eczema?
[00:24:27]  Yeah, she has.
[00:24:28]  Again, we focused on the environmental triggers.
[00:24:31]  That was the main thing that jumped out.
[00:24:32]  That was what the doctors kept talking about.
[00:24:35]  But the stress thing is right there.
[00:24:37]  Yeah.
[00:24:38]  We just didn't make the connection.
[00:24:40]  We were thinking of other things.
[00:24:41]  Sorry, it's not.
[00:24:43]  Hang on.
[00:24:43]  I'm not asking you to break a code here.
[00:24:46]  No.
[00:24:46]  I mean, you look up the triggers for eczema, stress is right there.
[00:24:51]  So you should try to reduce your child's stress.
[00:24:54]  So if the stress is part of the trigger for your child's eczema, then you and your wife are making it worse.
[00:25:03]  Yeah.

=== Missing the Connection (15:25) ===

[00:25:04]  Okay.
[00:25:04]  Just wanted to check in on that.
[00:25:07]  Okay.
[00:25:08]  So, how often does your wife scream at your son?
[00:25:12]  It depends on a good week, once a week, a bad week, every day.
[00:25:19]  And how long are her yelling?
[00:25:23]  How long does it last for?
[00:25:25]  A minute, no more.
[00:25:27]  Okay.
[00:25:27]  So, like one minute.
[00:25:28]  Yeah.
[00:25:29]  Yeah.
[00:25:30]  Worst I've ever seen was like five minutes.
[00:25:32]  Okay.
[00:25:33]  And that's so one to five minutes, at worst, once a day.
[00:25:37]  So, she only yells at him once a day.
[00:25:41]  Okay.
[00:25:42]  I won't say only, but by and large, yes.
[00:25:45]  Okay.
[00:25:46]  How often does she sometimes yell at him?
[00:25:48]  And how many times a day?
[00:25:50]  Two.
[00:25:50]  Okay.
[00:25:51]  Got it.
[00:25:52]  I think the worst ever was three.
[00:25:54]  Okay.
[00:25:55]  And is it like top screaming, like one to 10, it's a 10 in terms of volume and intensity?
[00:26:03]  Or is it some other number?
[00:26:05]  No, a 10 would be very rare.
[00:26:07]  Maybe, maybe, I don't know, once a month seems high.
[00:26:11]  Something like that.
[00:26:13]  But yeah, I guess six or seven.
[00:26:17]  Okay.
[00:26:17]  And does she.
[00:26:18]  I'm so sorry, go ahead.
[00:26:20]  You know what?
[00:26:21]  I'm finished.
[00:26:22]  Most common six or seven.
[00:26:23]  Okay.
[00:26:24]  And does she scream at your son when out in public?
[00:26:28]  Yes.
[00:26:29]  So she's at the mall, she's at the airport or the movie theater or something.
[00:26:34]  If he does something she doesn't like, she'll just yell at him.
[00:26:37]  Not immediately, you know.
[00:26:39]  But once she loses her temper, she loses it.
[00:26:42]  We don't go out much, but the playground is the most common.
[00:26:46]  Okay, so she'll just yell at your son at the playground?
[00:26:49]  Yes.
[00:26:49]  Okay.
[00:26:51]  And does she yell more or less or about the same when she's out as opposed to at home?
[00:26:57]  It's hard to say.
[00:26:58]  It's a small sample size.
[00:26:59]  Like I said, we don't go out that much.
[00:27:01]  No, I bet.
[00:27:02]  Okay.
[00:27:03]  All right.
[00:27:04]  And what about her parents or your parents or both?
[00:27:10]  Are they involved in your son's life?
[00:27:13]  Her parents live in a different country.
[00:27:17]  So they're not very much involved at all.
[00:27:20]  My parents were never really together.
[00:27:24]  I was conceived at the music festival, and neither of them are very involved either.
[00:27:30]  They come over every couple of weekends.
[00:27:34]  They're not part of the parenting.
[00:27:36]  And what are your parents like?
[00:27:38]  Well, my mother screamed at me a lot when I was a boy.
[00:27:41]  I was raised by a single mother for very similar things as my wife screams at my boy.
[00:27:47]  I don't remember when I was very, very young, like he is now, but, but when I was five and over, anytime I made a small mess, like left the cereal box on the table or something, I would be screamed at.
[00:27:59]  Oh, sorry.
[00:28:00]  I wasn't sure.
[00:28:00]  That's a, that's a pretty short description of parenting.
[00:28:03]  And you said your parents went together.
[00:28:05]  Is your father around?
[00:28:06]  He is around.
[00:28:07]  Yeah.
[00:28:08]  All right.
[00:28:09]  Okay.
[00:28:10]  So have you ever talked to your mother about how frightening her screaming was?
[00:28:16]  Yes, I have.
[00:28:17]  And what did she say?
[00:28:19]  Oh, she freaked out immediately and shut down the conversation real quick.
[00:28:24]  Okay, so why is she in your life if she's an unrepentant screamer?
[00:28:29]  Oh, she's not in my son's life.
[00:28:32]  I didn't ask that.
[00:28:33]  Oh, well, I don't know.
[00:28:40]  It's a hard thing to cut.
[00:28:42]  But she comes over every couple of weeks, right?
[00:28:44]  Yeah.
[00:28:45]  And how long does she stay?
[00:28:47]  Hour, hour and a half, two hours.
[00:28:50]  And she doesn't see your son?
[00:28:51]  She sees him.
[00:28:53]  She's never babysat or has never been left alone with him.
[00:28:57]  Okay.
[00:28:58]  And what benefit do you get from your time with your mother?
[00:29:04]  Very little, I suppose.
[00:29:06]  I guess mostly maintaining contact with my grandmother.
[00:29:09]  I suspect that if I cut off my mother completely, it would make my relationship with my grandmother impossible.
[00:29:16]  Okay.
[00:29:17]  So help me understand what benefit you get from your relationship with your grandmother.
[00:29:21]  I like her a lot.
[00:29:23]  She's a lovely woman.
[00:29:24]  We get along great.
[00:29:26]  Sorry, so the woman who raised your mother, who was the screamer or the yeller, was a lovely woman?
[00:29:32]  Yes.
[00:29:34]  That's a little hard to understand.
[00:29:37]  Yeah.
[00:29:38]  So your mother was raised well, but behaved badly?
[00:29:44]  Probably may not have been raised well.
[00:29:47]  But your grandmother was a lovely woman.
[00:29:49]  Yeah.
[00:29:50]  Not to me, anyway.
[00:29:53]  Sorry, to you.
[00:29:54]  Yeah.
[00:29:55]  Okay.
[00:29:55]  I was raised by her to a large degree because my mother was working a lot.
[00:29:59]  Okay.
[00:30:00]  She never screamed at me.
[00:30:01]  Did your grandmother know that your mother screamed at you?
[00:30:04]  Yeah.
[00:30:05]  And did she ever do anything about it to your knowledge?
[00:30:08]  No, she thought it was a normal thing.
[00:30:11]  Oh, so she thinks that screaming at children is normal, but she's a lovely woman.
[00:30:16]  Yeah, well, she thinks it's no big deal.
[00:30:18]  That's how she was raised.
[00:30:19]  That's how everyone she has ever known was raised.
[00:30:22]  You know how it is with.
[00:30:23]  With those who've internalized that sort of thinking.
[00:30:26]  Okay, so that means she must have screamed at your mother?
[00:30:29]  Possibly, yeah.
[00:30:31]  I haven't dug into that history very well.
[00:30:33]  Well, no, but if you say this is how she was raised, this is how everyone's raised, this is the norm, then she would do it.
[00:30:38]  Funny enough, never screamed at me, though.
[00:30:40]  Well, yes, but I'm talking about your mother.
[00:30:43]  No, no, I mean, it's an interesting point.
[00:30:45]  Like, probably she did.
[00:30:46]  Yeah, you're correct.
[00:30:47]  I wonder why she stopped with me then.
[00:30:48]  I guess she realized at some point it was wrong.
[00:30:50]  Oh, no, no.
[00:30:52]  So, grandparents are often much nicer to grandchildren than they are to their own children.
[00:30:58]  I mean, you've heard this a million times over the course of listening to my shows, and it's a very common observation that grandparents are nicer to their grandchildren than they were to their own children.
[00:31:10]  It's for a variety of reasons, but it's not because of some moral revolution.
[00:31:15]  No, I wouldn't think so.
[00:31:16]  Okay.
[00:31:17]  Okay, so does your grandmother help out with your son?
[00:31:24]  No, she's too old now.
[00:31:25]  Oh, okay.
[00:31:26]  Okay.
[00:31:27]  But does she visit?
[00:31:28]  Yes, rarely.
[00:31:30]  We visit her time to time.
[00:31:32]  Okay.
[00:31:32]  She's quite old.
[00:31:34]  Okay.
[00:31:34]  So you want to keep your relationship with your grandmother and you want to keep your relationship with your mother.
[00:31:42]  And your wife's parents are in another country, right?
[00:31:46]  Yes.
[00:31:48]  Okay.
[00:31:48]  Oh, my wife's mother.
[00:31:50]  Her father is not in her life either.
[00:31:51]  Okay.
[00:31:53]  All right.
[00:31:54]  So what do you think I can do to help in the time that we have together?
[00:31:59]  Well, so my main confusion in the matter is my wife is not an unrepentant child abuser.
[00:32:10]  She is a repentant child abuser.
[00:32:12]  Every time she loses her temper, she feels terrible about it.
[00:32:16]  She apologizes to him.
[00:32:17]  He tells me about it, apologizes to me, and she tries to be better, although she gets a bit depressed every time she does it.
[00:32:26]  So, you know, I've explained to her many times this is not okay.
[00:32:31]  Like I said, I didn't make the direct stress connection to the eczema, although perhaps I should have.
[00:32:35]  But, you know, just the psychological damage is plenty of reason not to scream.
[00:32:40]  You don't need the eczema reason.
[00:32:42]  You can't scream at non eczema kids either, you know?
[00:32:45]  So, while perhaps an effective tactic, it's, yeah.
[00:32:50]  Anyway, but she knows it's wrong.
[00:32:54]  She apologizes.
[00:32:55]  She claims to be trying to get better.
[00:32:57]  There's some evidence to that fact, it's gotten rare.
[00:33:01]  Especially as she gets more sleep.
[00:33:03]  So, if her mood is stable, if she gets enough sleep, proper nutrition, if she exercises regularly, then it's way better.
[00:33:13]  But when the boy is having a hard night, when the girl now, especially now with the baby girl, she is also a bad sleeper, the sleep problems exacerbate the anger problems.
[00:33:25]  So, if it was just unrepentant abuse, then I would have taken my children to El Salvador or something.
[00:33:34]  But at the moment, it's not bad enough to remove her from their life, but that would be a stressor of its own.
[00:33:42]  There have been times that I've considered it.
[00:33:45]  I don't know.
[00:33:46]  When I saw you had the open booking, every time I've listened to a call and show of yours, you've had excellent advice.
[00:33:56]  Yeah.
[00:33:58]  I was hoping she'd have some controls of wisdom.
[00:34:01]  No, but normally I'm talking to the person who has the problem.
[00:34:04]  That's why I asked about your wife earlier.
[00:34:06]  Ah, I see.
[00:34:08]  So, again, what is it that you would like to.
[00:34:10]  I just want to make sure I provide maximum value.
[00:34:13]  So, what is it that you would like to most get out of our call today?
[00:34:18]  Can you think of a way that I could approach her?
[00:34:21]  Some way that I could.
[00:34:22]  Something I could say to help mitigate.
[00:34:26]  Her behavior, her cruelty to.
[00:34:29]  I mean, what sort of thing are you thinking?
[00:34:32]  I don't quite understand.
[00:34:33]  Sorry, if I'm being dense, I don't quite understand the question.
[00:34:38]  So, when she's not angry, I've tried to explain to her why this is bad, why this is not acceptable, why I need to stop.
[00:34:46]  But she seems unable to stop.
[00:34:49]  So, what could I say to her that could make her stop?
[00:34:53]  Should I give up?
[00:34:55]  Is there no hope?
[00:34:56]  So she's an untreated victim of severe child abuse, right?
[00:35:00]  Have you ever taken treatment for what you suffered under your mother?
[00:35:06]  Aside from listening to your show, not really.
[00:35:08]  I mean, you've heard me recommend therapy and blunt conversations with parents about a million times, right?
[00:35:15]  I have.
[00:35:17]  I've had the blunt conversation with my father, but my mother was a dead end.
[00:35:21]  Okay.
[00:35:22]  So I'm a little confused, and just be patient with me as I try to sort of puzzle this out.
[00:35:31]  So, you've listened to my show for over 10 years, and I say you should choose a woman based upon her virtues, not just her looks, right?
[00:35:41]  Yep.
[00:35:42]  And you choose a woman largely based on her looks.
[00:35:45]  I was not spoiled for choice either, but.
[00:35:48]  I'm sorry?
[00:35:49]  Yeah, I was not spoiled for choice, I would say.
[00:35:53]  I had been single for a long, long time, 10 years, and she was the first woman who showed me any serious attention.
[00:36:01]  So, you had been single from 17 to 27?
[00:36:07]  No, 22 to 32.
[00:36:09]  I guess longer.
[00:36:10]  I've never had a serious girlfriend.
[00:36:12]  Okay, 22 to 32.
[00:36:13]  And why do you think you were single for that long?
[00:36:18]  It's hard to say.
[00:36:19]  I'm tall.
[00:36:20]  I'm handsome.
[00:36:22]  I had a stable job.
[00:36:24]  I don't know.
[00:36:25]  I didn't drink alcohol.
[00:36:26]  Nobody invited me to parties.
[00:36:30]  I didn't seek.
[00:36:33]  I didn't aggressively pursue women at all.
[00:36:36]  I was very passive.
[00:36:37]  Sorry, I don't know what aggressively.
[00:36:39]  I said, but you were the big net or something.
[00:36:41]  I don't know what that means.
[00:36:42]  No, I mean, I didn't go up to women and ask them out all the time.
[00:36:45]  I wasn't.
[00:36:46]  Okay, what do you mean by all the time?
[00:36:48]  I don't know what that means.
[00:36:49]  So did you.
[00:36:49]  Ever.
[00:36:50]  Ever.
[00:36:50]  I didn't go to any parties.
[00:36:51]  I hated.
[00:36:53]  Okay, not ever.
[00:36:54]  I did a couple of times and I was rejected and it hurt my feelings and I didn't try again for a long time.
[00:36:58]  And I tried again.
[00:37:00]  Same situation.
[00:37:01]  10 years pass.
[00:37:02]  I tried it.
[00:37:03]  My wife said yes.
[00:37:05]  And she seemed nice.
[00:37:07]  Well, but you knew about her family.
[00:37:09]  I did.
[00:37:10]  So, and you also knew that she hadn't taken any treatment for what you called severe child abuse.
[00:37:16]  Yeah.
[00:37:17]  Okay.
[00:37:18]  So, were there women that you were, how many women were you attracted to that you didn't ask out?
[00:37:25]  I don't know.
[00:37:26]  Passively a lot, I guess.
[00:37:29]  Okay.
[00:37:29]  I mean, none that I knew personally.
[00:37:33]  And with regards to your sexual needs when you were single, you just masturbated, is that right?
[00:37:37]  Yeah.
[00:37:39]  And did you become perhaps a little over reliant on pornography?
[00:37:45]  Perhaps.
[00:37:46]  Yeah, because I mean, if you're single from 22 to 32, that's a lot of not having sex for a young man, right?
[00:37:55]  Yeah.
[00:37:55]  Okay.
[00:37:55]  That's correct.
[00:37:56]  All right.
[00:37:58]  And did any women approach you at all or show clear signals of interest in those 10 years?
[00:38:07]  Huh.
[00:38:08]  So were there just not women around?
[00:38:10]  Because normally women quite like tall, handsome guys.
[00:38:13]  Yeah, you know, I was in university.
[00:38:15]  I was in things, but no, women did not show me interest.
[00:38:18]  And why do you think?
[00:38:20]  I don't know.
[00:38:21]  Well, why do you think?
[00:38:22]  I didn't ask what you know.
[00:38:23]  Why do you think?
[00:38:25]  I don't know.
[00:38:26]  I think I have, I suppose I give off a vibe of not being appealing to women.
[00:38:34]  Okay, that's begging the question.
[00:38:37]  I understand.
[00:38:38]  Why didn't women ask you out?
[00:38:39]  Well, they didn't find me attractive.
[00:38:40]  It's like, yes, I understand that, but why did they not find a tall, handsome man attractive?
[00:38:45]  I don't know.
[00:38:46]  I have no idea.
[00:38:49]  I thought they should, but they didn't.
[00:38:52]  Okay, so what, when you were younger, what was the value of women for you?
[00:38:59]  What did you find valuable or useful or helpful about them?
[00:39:04]  Very little.
[00:39:06]  I was like a college atheist, you know, wannabe intellectual, fancied myself.
[00:39:13]  I was just living in my head all the time.
[00:39:15]  I wasn't interested in material things at the time.
[00:39:21]  I've grown up since, but for example, at the time, I would have never wanted children at all.
[00:39:31]  So I would have never been interested.
[00:39:33]  If a woman had approached me, especially in my early 20s, with an interest in starting a family or being in a serious relationship, I wouldn't have known, I would have rejected almost certainly.
[00:39:43]  Unless I would have fallen in love or been persuaded.
[00:39:47]  I'm not sure what you mean when you say I was not into material things.
[00:39:51]  I guess technically women are material objects, but they're actually minds and thoughts and virtues and values.
[00:39:57]  No, that's correct.
[00:39:58]  Okay, so you didn't particularly like women?
[00:40:01]  No.
[00:40:03]  I almost never had an interesting conversation with a woman.
[00:40:07]  Okay.
[00:40:07]  And why do you think you didn't like talking to women?
[00:40:11]  They didn't seem to have interesting things to say most of the time.
[00:40:14]  Well, it's a little hard to tell if you're not talking to them, isn't it?
[00:40:18]  I mean, there were some classmates and stuff when I was in university, but yeah.
[00:40:27]  I guess you're right.

=== Women as Material Objects (09:52) ===

[00:40:29]  I didn't have a big sample size.
[00:40:32]  Did you think that women you talked to weren't interesting, or do you think that women as a whole weren't interesting?
[00:40:41]  Like, I thought women wrong.
[00:40:43]  If you had asked me then, I would have said that women are exactly the same as men, with all the same mental faculties.
[00:40:49]  They can easily be born into the wrong body.
[00:40:52]  There's no functional difference.
[00:40:54]  Probably couldn't have convinced me of the physical strength thing, but I was about as far as you could go in the women are the same as men direction.
[00:41:01]  Oh, okay.
[00:41:02]  So for you, it wasn't that women had nothing of interest to say, it's that all people, everyone, or nobody had anything of interest to say, men or women.
[00:41:12]  Very few, at least.
[00:41:13]  Well, hang on, hang on.
[00:41:15]  If men and women are the same and very few men or women have things of interest to say, then there are some women who would have interesting things to say, right?
[00:41:24]  Yeah, I think so.
[00:41:26]  Okay, so why wouldn't you try and find those women?
[00:41:29]  Same reason I didn't try to find those men.
[00:41:32]  I don't know.
[00:41:34]  I had one close friend who I'd known since I was in almost kindergarten.
[00:41:39]  Other than that, I didn't really socialize much.
[00:41:43]  Oh, so you didn't like people as a whole?
[00:41:45]  No.
[00:41:46]  And you didn't think.
[00:41:47]  So when you were younger, out of 100 people, how many, 100 adults, how many did you think would be interesting or have interesting things to say?
[00:41:57]  Practically zero.
[00:41:58]  Okay.
[00:41:58]  But you said a few.
[00:41:59]  I would try often with my, yeah.
[00:42:01]  Well, you know, like I said, my one friend.
[00:42:03]  And every now and then in university, I would meet someone and have an interesting conversation.
[00:42:09]  I would try at family parties, you know, Christmas parties and such, to engage people in conversation.
[00:42:14]  And usually.
[00:42:16]  You know, never went anywhere.
[00:42:18]  And sorry, you'd mentioned something about El Salvador.
[00:42:20]  Is that where you grew up?
[00:42:22]  No, no, no.
[00:42:23]  It's just, you know, a place to go if things go to shit, you know.
[00:42:27]  Which country did you grow up in?
[00:42:29]  I grew up in Iceland.
[00:42:31]  In Iceland?
[00:42:32]  Okay.
[00:42:33]  I mean, from what I know about Iceland, it's a pretty smart population, highly atheist, but also quite conformist.
[00:42:41]  Which tends to be the case in harsh conditions and a relatively small population, right?
[00:42:45]  Yeah.
[00:42:46]  Okay.
[00:42:47]  So did you go to school in Iceland as well?
[00:42:50]  Yes.
[00:42:51]  Okay.
[00:42:52]  So you couldn't find anybody who was interesting.
[00:42:57]  Uh, no.
[00:42:59]  All right.
[00:43:00]  Now, looking back, do you think it's because you had some vanity or that there really weren't interesting people around?
[00:43:08]  No, I think it was my problem because since, since I've gotten over My moodiness, I guess, much of it, hopefully, most of it.
[00:43:19]  Well, your general hatred of mankind, your general contempt and hatred for mankind.
[00:43:24]  Yeah, that's gone now.
[00:43:25]  I have nothing but love for my fellow men now.
[00:43:27]  And most people I find are very interesting when you actually engage them at, I don't want to say their level, but in their field.
[00:43:35]  Okay.
[00:43:36]  And when did that change occur?
[00:43:39]  Honestly, I'd have to think.
[00:43:42]  It was a funny thing.
[00:43:44]  I'd been surrounded by.
[00:43:46]  Left wing thought my entire life.
[00:43:48]  My grandmother was like a union activist.
[00:43:51]  She grew up on a farm without electricity.
[00:43:55]  Anyway, long story short, I had grown up surrounded by left wing thought my entire life, but had been taught to respect critical thinking and challenging your beliefs.
[00:44:06]  And I believed that.
[00:44:07]  So I figured, okay, so let's try to surround myself by right wing thought for a little while and see if my thinking holds up.
[00:44:14]  So I thought of the most right wing person I could imagine, came up with Ann Coulter.
[00:44:19]  Googled an interview with her, which happened to be Ben Shapiro interviewing Ann Coulter somewhere.
[00:44:24]  And that led me down a whole rabbit hole, which led to Jordan Peterson, who convinced me to have kids.
[00:44:29]  And I think Jordan Peterson led me to you.
[00:44:32]  And you essentially just kicked in the door of philosophy and proper moral thinking.
[00:44:39]  Okay.
[00:44:39]  So 10 years ago, you found me.
[00:44:42]  But before that, you had spent some time with Ann Coulter and Jordan Peterson and so on.
[00:44:49]  And In that process, you began to find that people were interesting?
[00:44:54]  Yes.
[00:44:58]  Once I became a right wing person, my whole frame of mind changed.
[00:45:04]  I started liking children.
[00:45:07]  Okay.
[00:45:07]  And this was years before you met your wife?
[00:45:11]  It was a process that took years, which was culminating before I met my wife.
[00:45:16]  Okay.
[00:45:17]  So you were starting to find people interesting before you met your wife?
[00:45:22]  Yes.
[00:45:22]  That's why I had the courage to ask her.
[00:45:25]  Okay, got it.
[00:45:27]  So when you said earlier you didn't have a lot of choices, and again, I'm not trying to nag your English, and I'm very impressed by people who speak more than one language, so don't take this any negative way.
[00:45:39]  But it wasn't that you didn't have a lot of choice, which sounds passive, like there just weren't any women around.
[00:45:46]  You were, I don't know, in a monastery or a Buddhist monk or something like that, but you didn't like people and didn't find them interesting because you had vanity and a sense of superiority or something like that.
[00:46:00]  Yeah.
[00:46:00]  And so you rejected people.
[00:46:01]  It wasn't that you didn't have choice.
[00:46:03]  It's just that you rejected people.
[00:46:05]  Yeah.
[00:46:06]  Yeah.
[00:46:07]  Okay.
[00:46:08]  Got it.
[00:46:09]  Okay.
[00:46:09]  So then you go through the process of liking people and then you meet your wife and then she says yes and then you go forward.
[00:46:19]  And how long did you live together?
[00:46:22]  Wait, I guess you did because you got engaged and then had a baby.
[00:46:27]  So how long after you met did you live together?
[00:46:31]  Very shortly.
[00:46:31]  I got two months, I think.
[00:46:34]  Okay.
[00:46:34]  And what do you think Ann Coulter and Jordan Peterson and myself would say about being single for 10 years and then moving in together in two months?
[00:46:46]  Well, they'd say you're not getting any younger.
[00:46:49]  Get on with it.
[00:46:50]  No, they wouldn't.
[00:46:51]  What would they say?
[00:46:53]  Well, be careful.
[00:46:55]  Okay.
[00:46:57]  Why would they say slow down?
[00:47:00]  I don't know.
[00:47:01]  Yeah.
[00:47:02]  Would they?
[00:47:03]  Okay.
[00:47:04]  Let me ask you this How long after you met your wife did you have sex?
[00:47:09]  Two months, I think.
[00:47:10]  Oh, okay.
[00:47:11]  So you didn't have sex until you moved in together?
[00:47:14]  No.
[00:47:15]  Shortly before we moved in together.
[00:47:16]  Okay, got it.
[00:47:17]  Now, do you know why it's not wise to move in together very quickly?
[00:47:23]  No.
[00:47:25]  Well, because you end up blending your lives together before you have seen the person in a variety of situations and thus have the ability to genuinely trust them.
[00:47:40]  Because you join your lives together and you don't know if that person is mature and wise and trustworthy and stable.
[00:47:49]  Yeah.
[00:47:50]  So that's why it's important not to move in together too quickly.
[00:47:54]  And of course, why it's important also not to have sex too quickly, because then your bodies merge together prior to there being established and sustainable trust.
[00:48:06]  Right.
[00:48:07]  But if you'll allow me to disagree for a moment, I thought at the time, and I still think that moving in together is a good way to get to know someone.
[00:48:18]  It's one thing to see them on a date time to time.
[00:48:20]  It's easy to be on your best behavior for an hour or two.
[00:48:23]  But living together is a whole different situation.
[00:48:26]  And if that turns out not good, you can just move out.
[00:48:29]  Well, do you know that couples who live together before they get married break up considerably more often?
[00:48:36]  I did not know that.
[00:48:37]  Oh, okay.
[00:48:37]  It's true.
[00:48:38]  I'm not sure you can look it up.
[00:48:40]  There's a variety of reasons for that, mostly to do with deferring gratification.
[00:48:44]  So, your theory is that if you live for someone, I guess for two years before you had a son, give or take, that you end up knowing her very well.
[00:48:57]  Yes.
[00:48:57]  Well enough.
[00:48:58]  But you were wrong about that.
[00:48:59]  Yeah.
[00:49:00]  I was.
[00:49:01]  So, your theory that you're going to know someone very well is not true because you didn't know about the rage issues she had with children.
[00:49:09]  No.
[00:49:10]  Okay.
[00:49:11]  Now, did you spend much time with her family?
[00:49:14]  No, they live in a different country.
[00:49:16]  We went to visit them once.
[00:49:20]  And yeah, well, we don't speak the same language, so communication was slow and difficult.
[00:49:26]  But yeah, her mother is not good.
[00:49:31]  She is not a good person.
[00:49:33]  She is a vicious child abuser, mostly unrepentant, somewhat repentant, with caveats.
[00:49:41]  I would say it doesn't count, but it must be said.
[00:49:45]  And which country does her mother live in?
[00:49:48]  Poland.
[00:49:49]  Poland.
[00:49:49]  Okay, got it.
[00:49:51]  All right.
[00:49:52]  Poor country village in Poland.
[00:49:54]  And did you see your wife around children at all before you decided to have children?
[00:50:01]  Very little.
[00:50:02]  Okay.
[00:50:03]  There are no children in my family, really.
[00:50:05]  All right.
[00:50:06]  And did you have conversations with your wife prior to having children about how you wanted to raise children?
[00:50:14]  Yes.
[00:50:15]  Okay.
[00:50:16]  And I assume it was peaceful parenting, that kind of stuff?
[00:50:20]  Yep, exactly.

=== Online Gambling and Cheating (04:30) ===

[00:50:21]  And did she agree with that?
[00:50:23]  Before we moved in.
[00:50:23]  Yeah, yeah.
[00:50:24]  I talked about all those things before we moved in.
[00:50:27]  Okay.
[00:50:27]  And she agreed to not scream at the children.
[00:50:30]  Yes.
[00:50:31]  And that's why you had children with her.
[00:50:34]  Yep.
[00:50:35]  One of the main reasons.
[00:50:36]  Okay.
[00:50:37]  So, why is she comfortable with breaking the most important promise she's made in her entire life repeatedly, once a day, sometimes once a week?
[00:50:46]  Why is she comfortable?
[00:50:48]  Breaking her word, the most important promise she ever made.
[00:50:52]  Well, she would say she's not comfortable with it.
[00:50:55]  She would like very much to stop doing it.
[00:50:57]  Well, she made the promise not to do it.
[00:51:02]  Okay, so let's say I assume that you made the promise to be monogamous.
[00:51:06]  Yep, I did.
[00:51:07]  And if you slept with another woman every week, what would your wife say?
[00:51:12]  She would be very upset.
[00:51:13]  And if you said, Well, I feel bad about it and I want to change, but you didn't change, would she accept that?
[00:51:20]  Nope.
[00:51:21]  Okay.
[00:51:21]  She would not.
[00:51:22]  So why wouldn't she accept that if you just said, You know, I find it too hard to keep my promise?
[00:51:29]  Well, because it would be clearly a lie.
[00:51:32]  No, no, it is too hard to keep your promise.
[00:51:35]  That's why you sleep with the other women in this scenario.
[00:51:37]  So it's not a lie.
[00:51:38]  It is too hard to keep your promise of staying faithful or being monogamous.
[00:51:43]  Well, yeah, but in that case, cheating requires a level of calculation that losing your temper for a minute does not.
[00:51:51]  So?
[00:51:52]  Well, so that, you know, if I was cheating all the time and saying I'm trying hard not to, I would clearly be lying.
[00:52:01]  Okay, let's say it was going to prostitutes, which is a whole lot easier than cheating, right?
[00:52:05]  You just go out and you.
[00:52:06]  Spend your money and you, whatever it is, right?
[00:52:08]  So, or let's say it's online gambling, which is also very easy, or whatever it's going to be, right?
[00:52:13]  It doesn't have to be, right?
[00:52:15]  So, online gambling is a closer analog, I would say.
[00:52:19]  Okay, except online gambling doesn't harm your son, but okay, so let's say that your brother.
[00:52:26]  I'm sorry?
[00:52:27]  So, we have some savings, and if I gambled away all his savings and we're saving up for him, that would damage him.
[00:52:33]  Well, not emotionally directly.
[00:52:35]  Well, not emotionally directly, no.
[00:52:38]  Okay.
[00:52:38]  So let's say that we shifted to online gambling and you said, although you didn't make a vow about that, right?
[00:52:45]  You didn't make a promise about that before getting married, did you?
[00:52:48]  So it needs to be something that you made a promise about.
[00:52:51]  And so cheating is the best, right?
[00:52:55]  So let's say that it was easy for you to cheat.
[00:52:57]  You're a tall, good looking guy and there's dating apps and you can arrange to go have sex in women's cars or, well, I don't know, whatever, make something up, right?
[00:53:07]  And so if you did this once a week or once a month, She would be very upset with you.
[00:53:13]  Then you would say, Well, I mean, I did make a vow, but I can't keep it really.
[00:53:19]  I want to keep it.
[00:53:20]  I feel bad afterwards, but I keep doing it.
[00:53:22]  Would she say that's acceptable?
[00:53:25]  Okay.
[00:53:26]  And what do you think she would do if you were cheating on her every week?
[00:53:31]  She would divorce me, probably.
[00:53:32]  Okay.
[00:53:33]  Although that also doesn't directly harm your son.
[00:53:37]  Cheating?
[00:53:38]  Yeah.
[00:53:39]  No, not directly.
[00:53:41]  So she would divorce you if you broke your word to her about monogamy.
[00:53:47]  So she has broken her word to you about peaceful parenting, right?
[00:53:53]  Yeah.
[00:53:54]  Okay.
[00:53:55]  So what should your response be, do you think?
[00:53:58]  Well, I'm not going to divorce her.
[00:54:00]  And I don't think that is correct in this situation, which is why I suggested online gambling would be preferable.
[00:54:07]  I don't think she would divorce me immediately if I had a problem with online gambling.
[00:54:12]  Okay, so let's say that the online gambling lasted for three years and showed no signs.
[00:54:18]  Maybe it got a little bit better, and you were almost out of money.
[00:54:22]  Then what?
[00:54:24]  Well, if I still kept making just enough money to keep our heads above water, And the problem never got to the point where it required immediate attention, then probably she'd limp on.
[00:54:35]  Okay.
[00:54:35]  But she'd be mad again.
[00:54:36]  Yeah, she'd be very mad.
[00:54:39]  But in that situation, yeah, she would feel terrible.
[00:54:41]  She would be mad.
[00:54:42]  She would feel trapped in that leaving me would probably be worse for our children than staying.
[00:54:48]  Okay.
[00:54:49]  Which is essentially the situation I find myself in.

=== Tantrums at Daycare (10:02) ===

[00:54:52]  Because, like I said, as bad as this screaming is, I think she does make up for it by being a mother.
[00:55:00]  I think being without a mother.
[00:55:02]  Growing up in a broken home with parents hating each other is probably worse.
[00:55:06]  She would get some visitation rights.
[00:55:08]  There's nothing like I'd have to abduct the children and move them to a non extradition country to get them away from her.
[00:55:17]  Right.
[00:55:18]  I don't know what you should do.
[00:55:20]  I'm just curious.
[00:55:22]  We're here to figure it out together.
[00:55:24]  I appreciate your input.
[00:55:25]  Okay.
[00:55:26]  So, what is the relationship like between your son and his mother?
[00:55:30]  When you're not screaming, very good.
[00:55:32]  He hugs her, he kisses her, loves her all the time.
[00:55:35]  They play together more creatively than I can ever come up with.
[00:55:39]  She makes clever toys and they walk the dog together every day and they have fun in the snow.
[00:55:47]  It's very pleasant.
[00:55:50]  When she can control her emotions, when she's having a good week, she's had enough sleep, then she's just an angel.
[00:55:56]  Okay.
[00:55:58]  So it doesn't appear to, from what you describe, See that the screaming at him for years has harmed their relationship?
[00:56:08]  No, but it has harmed his behavior, like you said, because he has anger problems of his own.
[00:56:13]  He throws tantrums.
[00:56:16]  I don't know.
[00:56:16]  I guess children throw tantrums, but it seems like.
[00:56:19]  No, no.
[00:56:20]  It's a good tragic friend.
[00:56:21]  Children throw tantrums when they're not listened to.
[00:56:25]  Yeah.
[00:56:26]  Oh, that's when they're not listened to.
[00:56:28]  Yeah.
[00:56:29]  Children don't mind it if you say no as long as they really feel that you've listened to them.
[00:56:34]  If they feel snapped at and they're not even being listened to, then they tend to escalate, but not because they're not getting what they want, but because they're not being listened to.
[00:56:43]  It was an interesting observation.
[00:56:44]  He does much less with me, the tantrum thing, and I tend to listen to him a lot more.
[00:56:49]  Oh, so he has tantrums with his mother?
[00:56:52]  Oh, yeah.
[00:56:52]  Well, also with me, but less.
[00:56:53]  Yeah, more with his mother.
[00:56:55]  Yes, more with his mother.
[00:56:56]  And how often does he have tantrums?
[00:56:58]  Every day.
[00:57:00]  Every day he has a tantrum.
[00:57:01]  Yeah.
[00:57:02]  Gosh.
[00:57:03]  And how often do the tantrums last?
[00:57:07]  Five minutes, 10 minutes at the worst.
[00:57:10]  And he's like on the ground crying and screaming and kicking his feet and.
[00:57:14]  Yeah, well, the crying and screaming and kicking on the ground doesn't last more than a minute or two, but then he'll be sucking and like saying, Don't talk to me.
[00:57:22]  And like, that is his phrase, don't talk to me.
[00:57:27]  Okay, so aside from your wife screaming at your son and your son throwing a tantrum every day, their relationship is good.
[00:57:34]  Yeah.
[00:57:35]  Does that seem odd to you?
[00:57:38]  No, it's bad.
[00:57:40]  No, no, but you said that she's an angel and they go play, they walk the dog, they play together in ways, imaginative ways that you couldn't imagine.
[00:57:49]  And she's an angel and they get along well, you said.
[00:57:52]  Yeah, well, like I said, on the good days, the tantrums don't cause angry problems with her.
[00:57:57]  She deals with it calmly and she listens.
[00:58:00]  And yeah, when she's in a good mood, she deals with those tantrums expressly.
[00:58:10]  Now, your mother yelled at you and so on.
[00:58:14]  And was your relationship with your mother when you were a child good?
[00:58:18]  No.
[00:58:19]  Well, sorry, go ahead.
[00:58:22]  No, but if you'd asked me, I would have said yes.
[00:58:25]  I'm a mama's boy.
[00:58:26]  I will do everything for my mother.
[00:58:28]  You know how sons of single mothers are.
[00:58:30]  That's what I would have said at the time.
[00:58:32]  It took some reflection to realize how bad it was, you know.
[00:58:35]  Okay, so do you think it's possible that your son is going through the same thing that you went through, which is thinking the relationship is good when it's not?
[00:58:44]  Yes, absolutely.
[00:58:45]  Okay, sorry, I'm really confused here because you just said the relationship was really good and now you're saying maybe it's not.
[00:58:50]  Yeah, maybe it's not, but like I said, when she is calm, it's good.
[00:58:55]  So if I could just keep her calm, then it could be good.
[00:58:59]  When, so when she's calm, it's good.
[00:59:03]  Yes.
[00:59:03]  So do you think that children live almost like, like jellyfish, like in, in just this blur of the now and that when they're screamed at, it just goes away.
[00:59:15]  Is that what you experienced with your mother?
[00:59:17]  She'd scream at you, but then she'd be nice and it would be like she never screamed at you.
[00:59:21]  No, it's not at all.
[00:59:23]  So there's been a good thing.
[00:59:24]  Sorry.
[00:59:25]  So when you were screamed at, how long did the negative effects last for you?
[00:59:30]  To this day.
[00:59:31]  Okay, so how is it that your son is able to ignore being screamed at, but you couldn't?
[00:59:36]  He's not.
[00:59:37]  That's harming him.
[00:59:38]  I would like to see that.
[00:59:39]  But you said their relationship is good.
[00:59:42]  Yes.
[00:59:43]  Oh, yeah.
[00:59:46]  How is your son with other kids?
[00:59:48]  She's good.
[00:59:49]  Very good.
[00:59:50]  A bit shy, but very good.
[00:59:51]  Plays well with other kids.
[00:59:52]  Yeah.
[00:59:53]  Okay.
[00:59:54]  And did your wife stay home with your son throughout his life?
[01:00:00]  Yes.
[01:00:01]  Okay.
[01:00:02]  And is your son going to go into education or daycare or are you homeschooling or how's that going to go?
[01:00:11]  So he recently started kindergarten for half a day because, like I said, there's no children in our family really.
[01:00:20]  And we figured he should at least play with some children.
[01:00:23]  So we found a good kindergarten and we signed him up from 8 to 12.
[01:00:27]  And he seemed to be doing very well there.
[01:00:31]  Okay, so there's no other than the tantrums.
[01:00:33]  I assume he doesn't throw the tantrums at the daycare, is that right?
[01:00:37]  Not that I'm aware of, no.
[01:00:38]  Okay.
[01:00:40]  So, other than the tantrums, you haven't noticed any negative behavior from your son?
[01:00:49]  No.
[01:00:50]  No, basically just the tantrums.
[01:00:53]  Okay.
[01:00:53]  So, I guess he could like his sister more.
[01:00:56]  He's not totally thrilled with his little sister.
[01:00:59]  He's jealous, is not the word, but.
[01:01:01]  But he doesn't want to play with her.
[01:01:04]  He doesn't want to interact with her very much.
[01:01:07]  Well, his mother taught him that babies are often an annoyance, right?
[01:01:10]  Yeah.
[01:01:11]  That's how she acted with him to some degree, right?
[01:01:14]  Yeah.
[01:01:15]  The funny thing is, when we're not, like when we are asking him to play with her, when we're trying to encourage him, he refuses.
[01:01:23]  But when he's up to his own devices and she's like playing on her mat or something, he will go play with her often.
[01:01:30]  Like on his own accord.
[01:01:32]  He just doesn't like to be pushed to it.
[01:01:34]  Okay.
[01:01:36]  So your son is almost four, and by five, his personality is largely complete.
[01:01:41]  Oof.
[01:01:43]  Right.
[01:01:44]  Now, you said it's getting better.
[01:01:46]  So, how often did the screaming used to be, and how often is it now?
[01:01:50]  Every day, now once a week.
[01:01:53]  Okay.
[01:01:53]  So, I mean, that's considerably better, right?
[01:01:56]  Yeah.
[01:01:57]  Although, you know, when I booked the meeting, she was having a bad week.
[01:02:00]  So that was at least four in the week.
[01:02:03]  But since then, it's been way better, right?
[01:02:05]  But that's a sevenfold increase.
[01:02:07]  That's a 700% improvement, right?
[01:02:09]  From once a day to once a week.
[01:02:11]  And like I said, she repents every time, seemingly honestly.
[01:02:15]  I don't know.
[01:02:16]  I suppose I'm not the greatest judge of character, but.
[01:02:19]  No, but then whatever you're doing is working, right?
[01:02:23]  I mean, she has from a year to.
[01:02:28]  She has in less than three years gone from once a day to once a week.
[01:02:38]  I mean, it's not fantastic, but it's pretty good, wouldn't you?
[01:02:42]  Yeah, I'd say it's a different improvement.
[01:02:44]  Okay.
[01:02:45]  I was hoping I'd have more time than until five, but.
[01:02:47]  I'm sorry?
[01:02:49]  I was hoping I would have more time than until he's five years old, but.
[01:02:54]  I guess I have to get a move on.
[01:02:56]  And is it still improving at the same speed?
[01:03:00]  Yes.
[01:03:01]  There was a big backlash with the second baby because, again, more triggers for.
[01:03:08]  Or becoming angry.
[01:03:10]  And sorry, how old is your daughter?
[01:03:12]  She was almost eight months.
[01:03:13]  I guess eight months.
[01:03:14]  Okay.
[01:03:15]  So it was getting better for a while.
[01:03:17]  How's it been in the eight months?
[01:03:21]  It got worse when she was born.
[01:03:24]  And then it started getting better again.
[01:03:27]  And worse, was that back to once a day or something else?
[01:03:30]  No, no, not quite once a day.
[01:03:33]  Like a couple of times a week.
[01:03:35]  Yeah.
[01:03:35]  I couldn't give you an exact average over that time, but.
[01:03:38]  Yeah, from when she was zero to about four months, it was more severe.
[01:03:43]  But now it's been getting better again.
[01:03:48]  So, why do you think you've waited until it's getting a lot better rather than call me when it was really bad?
[01:03:54]  Oh, I didn't think I had exactly the option of calling you.
[01:03:57]  I just noticed that you were at open bookings for call in shows and grabbed the opportunity.
[01:04:02]  Sorry, I don't understand.
[01:04:03]  You've been listening to my show for over 10 years.
[01:04:09]  You said you've listened to hundreds of call in shows.
[01:04:11]  Yeah.
[01:04:12]  So what do you mean you didn't know you could call me?
[01:04:16]  All right.
[01:04:17]  That's not correct.
[01:04:18]  I knew I could call you.
[01:04:20]  I could have booked a call, but I never did.
[01:04:24]  And then I saw you advertised actively come call me.
[01:04:29]  Let's have a chat.
[01:04:31]  So I booked.
[01:04:33]  That doesn't answer the question, though.
[01:04:35]  You're listening to call in shows.
[01:04:37]  You know, I do call in shows.
[01:04:39]  I do live streams all the time.
[01:04:41]  Why do you think you waited?
[01:04:43]  For years, until it was much better before calling me.
[01:04:49]  And I don't know.
[01:04:51]  I guess I thought I could do it by myself.

=== Following Advice Later (15:39) ===

[01:04:54]  Well, I could solve the problem all alone.
[01:04:57]  But you have to some degrees, if I understand this correctly, because it's gone much better than when your son was a year.
[01:05:04]  Yeah.
[01:05:05]  Okay.
[01:05:06]  So whatever you're doing is improving the situation.
[01:05:08]  And you say you don't have any money for therapy.
[01:05:10]  I mean, you have money for daycare, but you don't have money for therapy?
[01:05:13]  Oh, no.
[01:05:13]  Daycare is free.
[01:05:14]  So.
[01:05:14]  Oh, like tax credit, right?
[01:05:16]  Yeah.
[01:05:17]  And I guess you get all these taxes, you know, might as well get something fun.
[01:05:19]  Yeah.
[01:05:20]  Yeah.
[01:05:20]  Okay.
[01:05:20]  I did get into Bitcoin, but not early enough.
[01:05:23]  Okay.
[01:05:24]  Well, I know early in Lockwood, I didn't have any money to spend on it.
[01:05:27]  So, you know.
[01:05:28]  Right.
[01:05:28]  Okay.
[01:05:30]  So, I think I understand.
[01:05:31]  So, your question is do I have any, and I don't mean to say magic like I'm being sarcastic, but do I have any special phrases that can prevent your wife from screaming at your son?
[01:05:42]  Yes.
[01:05:42]  And you've already given me a few.
[01:05:44]  So, this call is already been productive.
[01:05:46]  The eczema angle is a good one.
[01:05:47]  Maybe that'll be an extra hook to help her manage herself.
[01:05:52]  Okay.
[01:05:52]  So, she's not angry at your son.
[01:05:54]  She's angry at her parents.
[01:05:56]  Yeah, for sure.
[01:05:57]  I've told her that many times.
[01:05:58]  Okay.
[01:06:00]  So, why don't you arrange a call with her parents where they can talk it out?
[01:06:04]  Well, they came to visit us on this Christmas.
[01:06:07]  And she tried talking it out with her mother with very much the same results as when I tried to talk to my mother.
[01:06:14]  And were you there for that conversation?
[01:06:16]  Yes.
[01:06:17]  And her mother shut her down?
[01:06:19]  Well, not shut her down.
[01:06:21]  She just became upset and screaming and like.
[01:06:25]  Just sulkingly went to her room and that was the end of it.
[01:06:29]  I'm sorry, they were staying at your place?
[01:06:31]  Yes.
[01:06:31]  Why did you kick her out?
[01:06:33]  I wanted to, but my wife convinced me we couldn't just throw them out.
[01:06:38]  I don't have any money in December in Iceland, so.
[01:06:43]  Well, then they shouldn't be treating you like garbage, then, should they?
[01:06:46]  If they're dependent upon your kindness.
[01:06:49]  No, that is correct.
[01:06:52]  So the only person who's being treated harshly here is the little baby.
[01:06:56]  The little toddler.
[01:06:58]  Everyone else, well, we've got to be careful.
[01:07:00]  Oh, it's cold and they don't have a lot of money.
[01:07:04]  So everyone gets consideration, and that little toddler boy gets screamed at.
[01:07:10]  That is fucked up.
[01:07:13]  And that's why he's getting screamed at.
[01:07:16]  If somebody were to be in my house and scream at my wife, they would not finish that scream before I tossed them out on the front fucking lawn.
[01:07:26]  Yeah.
[01:07:26]  How could you stand by and watch this old hag scream at your wife?
[01:07:32]  Well, I'm sorry.
[01:07:33]  I wasn't there for the screaming.
[01:07:35]  I was there for the aftermath.
[01:07:37]  I'm sorry.
[01:07:37]  I asked if you were there for the conversation.
[01:07:39]  Yeah.
[01:07:41]  No, I was not there directly for that exact conversation.
[01:07:44]  Okay.
[01:07:45]  I went to my store and she walked.
[01:07:46]  Why weren't you there?
[01:07:49]  Well, it wasn't my idea to have the conversation.
[01:07:54]  My wife had said she had already had this conversation with her mother before.
[01:07:58]  And like I said, when I mentioned before that her mother was a sort of repentant, her mother says she feels bad about it and regrets it.
[01:08:07]  But then she also says, like, oh, that's how I was raised, that's how everybody did it.
[01:08:11]  So, yeah, not exactly.
[01:08:14]  Okay, so where were you?
[01:08:16]  Hang on.
[01:08:16]  So, were you there for any part of the conversation?
[01:08:19]  No, when I came to the aftermath, she was sulking.
[01:08:22]  And I'm sorry, I thought you were home.
[01:08:26]  No, I went to the store.
[01:08:28]  My wife tried to talk to her mother.
[01:08:31]  And then when I came back, the conversation was over.
[01:08:36]  Okay, so your wife says, My mother screamed at me.
[01:08:39]  No, not right away.
[01:08:40]  I asked her, Will she come for dinner?
[01:08:43]  She said, No.
[01:08:44]  We tried to talk and, yeah, it didn't go well.
[01:08:47]  She shut me down.
[01:08:49]  Okay, so then you go up.
[01:08:51]  Do you speak the language of, you don't speak your mother in law's language?
[01:08:55]  Not very well.
[01:08:56]  Okay.
[01:08:57]  So you asked your wife and said, she didn't go very well.
[01:09:00]  Okay.
[01:09:01]  What happened?
[01:09:01]  Well, she ended up screaming at me and running to her room.
[01:09:05]  Yeah.
[01:09:05]  So then you tell her to get out.
[01:09:08]  To apologize to your wife or get out.
[01:09:13]  That way, you're not kicking her out.
[01:09:14]  She's choosing to leave.
[01:09:16]  Yeah.
[01:09:17]  Well, then she would have just apologized.
[01:09:20]  Okay.
[01:09:20]  But it has to be sincere, it has to be real.
[01:09:22]  And then the conversation has to hang on.
[01:09:24]  It has to be real.
[01:09:25]  It has to be sincere.
[01:09:26]  And then the conversation has to resume and continue.
[01:09:29]  Yeah, there you go.
[01:09:31]  Yeah.
[01:09:31]  All right.
[01:09:32]  So maybe that's an angle.
[01:09:33]  Resolve the.
[01:09:34]  It's not an angle.
[01:09:36]  It's that if your wife is going to be tough, be tough with the adults.
[01:09:40]  Don't scream at the children.
[01:09:41]  That's pathetic.
[01:09:42]  That's cowardly.
[01:09:43]  And it's being a bully.
[01:09:44]  True.
[01:09:45]  Yeah.
[01:09:46]  So if she's going to get angry at people who misbehave, how about her mother who screams at her and runs out of the room like a toddler?
[01:09:55]  How about getting angry at her and having some standards for her?
[01:09:59]  Is that not a much more serious form of misbehaving than your son crawling around on the floor or trying to climb a chair?
[01:10:08]  Yeah, it is.
[01:10:09]  So your wife is very tough with a little toddler and then very cowardly, as are you, frankly, with her mother.
[01:10:19]  So that's terrible.
[01:10:22]  I agree.
[01:10:22]  We haven't talked to her since.
[01:10:25]  She will not be invited back.
[01:10:27]  That's some consolation.
[01:10:29]  And this was Christmas?
[01:10:31]  Yeah.
[01:10:31]  They came home from Christmas.
[01:10:32]  How long did she stay with you after that incident?
[01:10:36]  Zero days.
[01:10:37]  She was gone the next morning.
[01:10:38]  And is that when she was supposed to leave?
[01:10:40]  Yeah, yeah.
[01:10:41]  I was playing Park Home.
[01:10:43]  And how long was she with you for?
[01:10:46]  Was it four days?
[01:10:47]  Five days?
[01:10:48]  And she was an unrepented child abuser before she came.
[01:10:52]  Partially repentant child abuser.
[01:10:53]  Well, not that repentant if she screamed at your wife.
[01:10:58]  Yeah, well, you know, she was, she had been horrible the whole trip.
[01:11:02]  You know, she was, you know, my wife didn't start with this.
[01:11:06]  The reason she initiated that conversation was that she had been very just cold and distant the whole trip.
[01:11:15]  Like she barely left her room.
[01:11:17]  She didn't want to come visit tourist attractions.
[01:11:19]  She just.
[01:11:20]  What?
[01:11:20]  She, hang on, she came from Poland to you.
[01:11:23]  And stayed in her room?
[01:11:25]  Yeah, more or less.
[01:11:27]  Wow.
[01:11:27]  So her husband, my wife's stepfather, who she met when my wife was a teenager, he was wonderful.
[01:11:37]  He was a model grandpa.
[01:11:38]  He was playing with the boy all the time.
[01:11:40]  You know, whenever he was never alone with him, whenever he was playing with him, he would give me glances occasionally to make sure that it's okay that what he's doing, you know, totally respectful.
[01:11:52]  She would just sulk in a corner and barely participate.
[01:11:55]  She wouldn't even come for dinner a couple of nights.
[01:11:59]  So, which is why my wife wanted to talk to her.
[01:12:03]  Like, you know, she was expecting her to come and, you know, play the grandma.
[01:12:07]  But she didn't.
[01:12:09]  And so my wife talked to her.
[01:12:10]  And that conversation escalated into the past and then screaming and then shut down.
[01:12:15]  There you go.
[01:12:18]  Well, if you want your wife to listen to you, you have to be a leader and you have to protect her.
[01:12:23]  Yeah.
[01:12:25]  And I mean, you didn't do much about your wife being attacked by her mother.
[01:12:30]  Under your roof, no, I did not.
[01:12:34]  So, you gotta be a superhero here, bro.
[01:12:37]  Yeah, I mean, do you know how amazing it is?
[01:12:40]  Imagine if someone had stood up against your mother.
[01:12:44]  Yeah, imagine how you would have felt about that.
[01:12:47]  Yeah, well, once I was old enough, I probably would have attacked them.
[01:12:51]  Well, you're old enough now.
[01:12:55]  And even if you would have attacked them, you would have appreciated later.
[01:12:58]  You would have appreciated later.
[01:13:01]  So you need to be very strong to protect your wife from all negative influences.
[01:13:10]  And no one gets to disrespect your wife without you saying a lot about it.
[01:13:19]  I personally would have told her to leave that night.
[01:13:24]  And if she has to sleep at the airport, And she has to sleep at the airport.
[01:13:28]  I don't care.
[01:13:29]  You don't treat the mother of my children that way.
[01:13:32]  Yeah.
[01:13:34]  I didn't see it that severely at the time.
[01:13:37]  Perhaps I should have.
[01:13:39]  Well, you want your wife to listen to you.
[01:13:40]  So you have to have some credibility and authority with her, right?
[01:13:45]  But if you let her be disrespected in your home, how much credibility and authority do you have with your wife?
[01:13:51]  Yeah.
[01:13:52]  No, you're right.
[01:13:53]  I just thought it was like mothers and daughters fighting.
[01:13:57]  Okay, so you don't believe in what I say about men to provide and protect?
[01:14:01]  No, no, you're right.
[01:14:02]  You're right.
[01:14:03]  No, no, no.
[01:14:03]  Hang on.
[01:14:04]  This is what you said.
[01:14:05]  Hang on.
[01:14:06]  So, this is the funny thing you keep thinking, you keep not taking any advice of mine, but then you call me up for advice.
[01:14:12]  Do you understand?
[01:14:13]  It's kind of baffling to me because I've given all of this advice a million times.
[01:14:19]  And you obviously don't believe it, which is fine.
[01:14:21]  I mean, it's not like you have to believe what I say, but then I don't understand why you're calling for advice if you think that I'm wrong about everything.
[01:14:29]  Or about a lot of things, I'm not sure why you would call me for advice.
[01:14:33]  All right.
[01:14:34]  Well, I mean, I say you need to vet for virtue and you don't really vet for virtue.
[01:14:39]  And then you say, well, I didn't have a lot of choice.
[01:14:41]  And it turns out, no, no, it's because you were very hostile to people around you.
[01:14:45]  So it was you who was taking away your own choice, right?
[01:14:49]  And then I say, you should get married before you live together.
[01:14:53]  And I've said that forever and ever.
[01:14:55]  Amen.
[01:14:56]  And you decide to move in within two months.
[01:14:59]  I say you shouldn't move too fast.
[01:15:00]  And you move fast.
[01:15:02]  And then I say, you should vet people's families, and you don't really speak the language, and it doesn't really matter to you that her mother is horrible.
[01:15:09]  And I say, you shouldn't have children with untreated victims of severe child abuse unless they've gone through significant therapy first, and you decide to do all of that.
[01:15:17]  So that's, you understand, I could go on and on, right?
[01:15:21]  But you don't do what I suggest, you don't do what I reason out, you don't do what I say is the best way of doing things.
[01:15:32]  And things have not worked out in some ways, in that you have a wife who has rage issues and you want my advice.
[01:15:40]  But it's a little confusing to me because you've done almost the exact opposite of what you've listened to me advocate for for over 10 years and you want my advice.
[01:15:51]  Do you understand why it's a bit confusing?
[01:15:54]  Yeah, I understand.
[01:15:56]  However, I was guided by your advice.
[01:16:02]  It's why I have a family.
[01:16:03]  It's why I otherwise would still be hating people, sulking alone, and angry at the world.
[01:16:09]  I hadn't found you and others.
[01:16:11]  Okay, so you don't listen.
[01:16:12]  I wouldn't either.
[01:16:12]  You don't listen.
[01:16:13]  Yeah, this is why this is another reason why your wife is frustrated you don't listen.
[01:16:17]  So I just gave you five to seven examples of how you did kind of the opposite of what I suggest, right?
[01:16:22]  And then you say, no, but Steph, I followed your advice.
[01:16:26]  No, I didn't say I followed your advice.
[01:16:27]  I said I got to where I am because of your advice.
[01:16:31]  No, you didn't.
[01:16:32]  I didn't follow it perfectly.
[01:16:33]  I just told you all the ways in which you didn't follow my advice.
[01:16:37]  And now you say, but Steph, I'm here because I followed your advice.
[01:16:40]  I am where I am because I followed your advice.
[01:16:43]  I don't regret where I am.
[01:16:47]  I'm sorry.
[01:16:48]  I'm not trying to be obtuse.
[01:16:49]  But yeah, no, you're right.
[01:16:50]  I'm not.
[01:16:50]  You are being obtuse.
[01:16:53]  I don't mean to be.
[01:16:54]  Okay, let me add.
[01:16:55]  I don't know.
[01:16:55]  The meaning thing, again, you're just doing the same thing which everyone does, which is you try to.
[01:16:59]  Pull out some magical intentions.
[01:17:00]  Do you accept that you have done a lot of things that I recommend you don't do?
[01:17:06]  Yes.
[01:17:06]  And you have not done other things that I recommend that you do?
[01:17:10]  Yes.
[01:17:11]  Okay.
[01:17:11]  So that's fine.
[01:17:12]  That's right.
[01:17:14]  So I say that you should provide and protect your wife.
[01:17:17]  I know you provide because your wife stays home.
[01:17:19]  You should protect your wife.
[01:17:20]  And then her mother screams at her and you don't lift a finger and you say, well, I just, it's mother daughter stuff.
[01:17:27]  Not that important.
[01:17:28]  Yeah.
[01:17:29]  Well, Yeah, I should have thrown her out right away.
[01:17:34]  Was it just mother son stuff when your mother screamed at you?
[01:17:38]  No, not when I was very young.
[01:17:40]  Okay.
[01:17:40]  When was the last time your mother screamed at you?
[01:17:43]  When I just about got big enough to fight back.
[01:17:47]  Right.
[01:17:47]  So I guess 13, 14, something like that.
[01:17:50]  Right.
[01:17:50]  And she's never raised her voice at you since, right?
[01:17:53]  No.
[01:17:53]  Well, yeah, no, not really.
[01:17:56]  Okay.
[01:17:56]  So I also say that you should not have unrepented childhood.
[01:18:00]  It's probably wise to not have unrepentant child abuses in your life, right?
[01:18:04]  Yes.
[01:18:04]  And you have them, except for your wife's father.
[01:18:07]  I'm not sure what happened there, but.
[01:18:09]  Yeah, he was gone when she was very young.
[01:18:11]  Oh, okay.
[01:18:13]  So you guys have chosen to have unrepentant child abuses in your life.
[01:18:18]  So I'm not sure.
[01:18:21]  Again, I'm sorry to be dense.
[01:18:22]  I'm not sure if you do the opposite of what I recommend.
[01:18:26]  And then you say, Steph, can you give me magic words to reverse doing the opposite of what you suggest for the last six years?
[01:18:35]  Like it's like if I say you shouldn't smoke and then you smoke for six years and you say, Steph, I want to undo the smoking.
[01:18:42]  My advice would be for what it's worth, whatever you're doing is slowly reducing your wife's rages.
[01:18:49]  I don't have any magic words, especially if you don't want to do the protection thing.
[01:18:54]  If you do the protection thing, she'll be so grateful that she will relax.
[01:18:57]  When a woman feels protected, then she can relax.
[01:19:00]  And when she can relax, she can sleep better.
[01:19:01]  She tends to be less cranky and so on.
[01:19:03]  But a woman who does not feel protected, who does not feel like her man is protecting her, cannot relax.
[01:19:09]  But you don't really want to do that because it's mother daughter stuff, as you said.
[01:19:13]  So I would suggest whatever you're doing, just keep doing it.
[01:19:18]  I mean, you're in the situation, you don't want to get a divorce.
[01:19:20]  Not that I would recommend it, but that's what you say.
[01:19:23]  You don't want to get a divorce.
[01:19:24]  And what you have been doing over the last couple of years has had a 700% improvement or a sevenfold improvement in your wife's rage issues.
[01:19:35]  And so I would say, since I mean, I doubt you'll follow this advice because you don't really follow my advice.
[01:19:41]  But I would say that the best thing you can probably do, given the few options that you have, you can't afford therapy.
[01:19:48]  You're going to continue to see abusive, your abusive mother or your.
[01:19:54]  Your mother, who's not recanted from her abusing and abuses, if you try to talk about it because you want to be in contact with your grandmother.
[01:20:01]  So, given that you don't want to do the things that are necessary to genuinely improve things because you want to hold on to your grandmother and other reasons, then I would say if you continue to do what you're doing, then I assume that things will get better as they have been getting better over time and you will end up in a place that's even better than you were a couple of years ago and better than now.
[01:20:27]  Does that make sense?
[01:20:28]  Yeah.
[01:20:29]  All right.
[01:20:29]  Well, thank you very much for the call.
[01:20:31]  I appreciate it.
[01:20:32]  And have yourself a great night.
[01:20:33]  Thank you, Seth.
[01:20:34]  Bye.