Freedomain Radio - Stefan Molyneux - Understanding the Selfish Mind!
Aired: 2025-10-26
Duration: 30:40


=== Wife's Perspective (10:19) ===

[00:00:01]  Good morning, everybody.
[00:00:02]  Stéphane Molyneux, 26th of October, 2025.
[00:00:07]  Hope you're doing well.
[00:00:08]  11 a.m.
[00:00:11]  As a donor show, but I thought we'd start Gen Pop general population, and then we will head over to locals, freedommate.locals.com to join.
[00:00:23]  If you would like to join, get yourself a free month.
[00:00:26]  You can go to FDRURL.com slash locals.
[00:00:31]  All right.
[00:00:33]  Everything's recording.
[00:00:34]  Yes.
[00:00:35]  Somebody wrote the concept.
[00:00:37]  I asked the donors, what would you like to talk about today?
[00:00:39]  And of course, I'd happy to take text questions.
[00:00:42]  Also, if you have questions on X, you can do that as well.
[00:00:49]  The concept of gaslighting and its association with the suppression of anger as well as self-doubt and the effects of continued gaslighting on memory in terms of the relationship with oneself and others.
[00:01:01]  Also, the relationship of feigning of innocence and or helplessness and gaslighting, particularly in the context of personal relationships.
[00:01:08]  But also how to best deal or not with co-workers who gaslight.
[00:01:13]  So gaslighting is extremely evil.
[00:01:18]  It's an extremely nasty, nasty, vicious, underhanded topic.
[00:01:28]  It's essentially predatory.
[00:01:31]  So we will talk about that.
[00:01:36]  Happy to take your questions.
[00:01:38]  Questions are only available at the moment on X. I don't think the other platforms do it as well.
[00:01:44]  I don't know what goes on with locals if we try that.
[00:01:46]  Probably nothing.
[00:01:47]  Probably nothing good, I think.
[00:01:49]  But, oh, thank you very much for your kind thoughts and wishes.
[00:01:53]  I appreciate that.
[00:01:55]  So gaslighting, as I'm sure you know, the term comes from an old movie called Gaslight, where a man is married to a woman, I think he's married, and he tries to drive her crazy.
[00:02:05]  He moves pictures and then says, no, that's how they've always been.
[00:02:08]  He moves stuff around.
[00:02:09]  He changes stories.
[00:02:10]  He just continually tries to disassemble her own sense of reality.
[00:02:16]  And for some nefarious purpose to do with money or finance or inherent, I don't know.
[00:02:22]  I don't remember the details in particular, but it is basically when you assert things that are true that are false, or you assert things that are false that are true.
[00:02:33]  I never said that.
[00:02:34]  I never said that, right?
[00:02:36]  That's why I love it when my debates are recorded.
[00:02:39]  I love the fact, love, love, love the fact that these conversations are recorded because then you can actually go back and people who said, well, I never said that, you know, they're wrong.
[00:02:51]  So what's the problem with gaslighting?
[00:02:54]  So listen, the gaslighting is not, let's just talk about what it's not.
[00:02:57]  So gaslighting is not just when you have a different memory of things, right?
[00:03:01]  Obviously, Justin Trudeau, when he was in conflict with some woman, didn't say she was a liar, didn't say, because I guess he talked to his lawyers.
[00:03:09]  And so he said, I have a different recollection of the events or something like that.
[00:03:14]  You know, something that is not going to get him in legal trouble because apparently it's fine if you have no conscience.
[00:03:20]  But anyway, so gaslighting isn't when you just remember things differently or have a different perspective or a different opinion or something like that.
[00:03:27]  Gaslighting is when you knowingly contradict someone else or you refuse to listen to their good case or you refuse to even admit the possibility that they might be right.
[00:03:47]  Right?
[00:03:48]  So if somebody says you're in a relationship and somebody says, oh, that time when you threw the glass against the wall or the time when you punched the wall or something like that, right?
[00:04:00]  Now that's a thing you would remember, right?
[00:04:03]  You would remember that as a whole.
[00:04:08]  So if you say that that never happened, right?
[00:04:13]  It's a little tougher if you punch the wall, right?
[00:04:15]  Because there's a hole in the wall and there's a repair or you go, oh, you know, I just fell, my elbow went against the wall.
[00:04:20]  You're misremembering or something like that.
[00:04:22]  Or that hole was already there when we moved in or I never say, oh, it was that time when you threw the coffee mug against the wall.
[00:04:32]  It's like, that never happened.
[00:04:34]  Well, where's the coffee mug?
[00:04:35]  Well, I mean, I remember dropping it.
[00:04:38]  I remember dropping it, but I don't, I mean, I never threw it against.
[00:04:41]  So when you refuse to even accept the possibility, right?
[00:04:47]  So if somebody says, you threw the cup against the wall, the mug against the wall, and you said, that never happened, that's gaslighting.
[00:04:56]  Now, even if, but it's interesting because even if you didn't do it, you still need to say, oh, I don't remember that, but you know, tell me what do you remember?
[00:05:06]  So when you're curious, when you just blanket assert something never happened again, and you're not, I know people go, well, you in debates.
[00:05:14]  I get all of that, right?
[00:05:15]  But we're talking about when you are blanket dismissing somebody else's perspective in a personal relationship.
[00:05:25]  Or it could be a work relationship because the question is around the work relationship.
[00:05:30]  So if my wife says, when you did X, and I don't remember doing X, I'd be like, I don't recall that, but tell me what you remember.
[00:05:38]  Tell me what you think, right?
[00:05:40]  And then oftentimes she will remind me and I'm like, oh yeah, yeah, that was right.
[00:05:47]  Have I ever been to this town before?
[00:05:49]  Like, that's the age you get.
[00:05:51]  I've been so many places.
[00:05:53]  Have I been to this town before?
[00:05:55]  Yes, I don't remember it.
[00:05:56]  And then, you know, five minutes later, oh yeah, yeah, I remember this door.
[00:06:00]  So it is when you just blanket dismiss.
[00:06:03]  So gaslighting relies on two things that are very important in relationship and it exploits them.
[00:06:14]  And just hit me with a Y if you've ever been gaslit.
[00:06:18]  Hopefully not over the course of this conversation.
[00:06:20]  Hit me with a Y if you've ever been gaslit.
[00:06:22]  And if you could give me any details about that, that would be great.
[00:06:29]  Oh, let me just see here.
[00:06:30]  I got a message from Dare James.
[00:06:36]  Hopefully it's not a message about, can't hear him, me.
[00:06:39]  Let us find out.
[00:06:41]  Do do, you do.
[00:06:45]  Yeah, just in general.
[00:06:46]  If it's working.
[00:06:51]  Oh, yeah, yeah.
[00:06:52]  Yeah.
[00:06:52]  Just let me know if there's a problem.
[00:06:54]  Otherwise, I have my glasses off.
[00:06:55]  I can't read what you're reading.
[00:06:57]  I don't know if there is a problem.
[00:06:57]  So that's fine.
[00:06:58]  All right.
[00:06:59]  So there's two things that are exploited in gaslighting.
[00:07:06]  Number one is trust.
[00:07:09]  You need to have trust in a relationship.
[00:07:11]  The trust should be earned, of course.
[00:07:12]  We need to have trust in a relationship.
[00:07:14]  So the first thing that's exploited is trust.
[00:07:19]  So if, you know, if my wife has a better memory for things than I do, she just, she always has.
[00:07:25]  I think it's a female thing.
[00:07:27]  We were just joking about this as a part of my novel where Helen's boss says to her, it was over 10 years ago.
[00:07:36]  And she's like, it was 13 years.
[00:07:38]  So I'm like, yeah, but at some point in the past, something happened.
[00:07:42]  And my wife is like, bing, bing, bing, bing.
[00:07:43]  She remembers everything.
[00:07:44]  It's remarkable.
[00:07:46]  It's a feat of prodigious memory.
[00:07:50]  It is, to me, it's like watching those half-autistic Indian kids who can multiply 19 numbers in their heads or something like that.
[00:07:56]  It's just an amazing thing for me that she can do that, but she can.
[00:08:00]  And so I trust her.
[00:08:01]  When she remembers stuff, I'm like, yeah, I trust her.
[00:08:04]  So trust is one of the things that gets exploited.
[00:08:09]  And the other thing that gets exploited is, it's hard to say whether it's humility or insecurity.
[00:08:18]  My wife is right about a bunch of stuff that I don't remember.
[00:08:24]  And every year or two, we go through this exercise of like, hey, whatever happened to this guy that I used to be in contact with?
[00:08:32]  I don't really remember.
[00:08:33]  I just know that we were in contact with, or maybe we were acquaintances or even friends, and then we weren't.
[00:08:39]  And I'm just like, ships that pass in the night.
[00:08:42]  Tide comes in, tide goes out, the butterflies migrate to Mexico and people move in and out of my life.
[00:08:48]  And I don't really remember these things.
[00:08:52]  But my wife is like, this happened, then this happened, then you said this.
[00:08:55]  And it's just boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
[00:08:57]  She's like, well, when I was a kid, we had a dusty old encyclopedia that helped me develop the rather base and anti-woke worldview.
[00:09:04]  And if we had a conflict in the family, we'd look it up in the encyclopedia if we had to fight about it.
[00:09:10]  I remember fighting with my brother about whether a king could move one or two spaces when I was learning chess.
[00:09:16]  I didn't believe him.
[00:09:18]  I never really have.
[00:09:19]  But he choked me in the encyclopedia and I was like, nope, okay, that's right.
[00:09:24]  So my wife has earned trust.
[00:09:28]  I trust her.
[00:09:29]  She says she remembers something and she doesn't ever exploit it.
[00:09:31]  So I trust her.
[00:09:33]  So if you're in a conflict with somebody else, you remember something and they don't, right?
[00:09:41]  Let's say that you remember a friend of yours threw a cup against a wall when he was angry and you mentioned that and he says that never happened.
[00:09:48]  So that's a challenge, right?
[00:09:50]  That's a challenge.
[00:09:52]  Do you trust your friend?
[00:09:55]  Because they're not just saying, I don't remember that, or that doesn't come to my mind, or I'm not sure, or they're like, it's a positive assertion in the face of your memory.
[00:10:05]  So do you trust that person?
[00:10:08]  And are you humble slash insecure about your own remembrances?
[00:10:15]  That's a big one.
[00:10:16]  Because humility and insecurity are the foundation of growth and wisdom.

=== Challenging Memories (15:15) ===

[00:10:20]  Everything that you learn, you had to admit you didn't know beforehand.
[00:10:25]  Every new skill you acquire, you had to admit that you didn't have beforehand.
[00:10:28]  Everything you improve, you have to admit that you were worse at it beforehand.
[00:10:33]  Everything.
[00:10:35]  So all growth, wisdom, maturity, knowledge, virtues, they all arise out of humility slash insecurity.
[00:10:43]  I mean, I claimed to be a moral philosopher for 20 years.
[00:10:46]  I accepted sort of the Aristotelian objectivist arguments for morality, but there was like niggling brainworm in the back of my head, which was like, it didn't feel quite right.
[00:10:58]  It didn't feel like it's a complete.
[00:10:59]  I know, I know when things are complete.
[00:11:01]  Like I know, UPB, everybody who's run up against it gets smashed up.
[00:11:06]  They just do.
[00:11:07]  And everybody, everybody who's come up against it has been unable to overturn it.
[00:11:13]  Because it's dead simple, right?
[00:11:16]  So that I know, right?
[00:11:19]  And I do sometimes if I have a peculiar conflict with people in call-in shows or something like that, the live call-in shows.
[00:11:29]  And by the by, I just wanted to mention, I don't know how many other people have live unscreened call-ins about the most complex topics and just roll with it, right?
[00:11:40]  I mean, I suppose it would be kind of like, I mean, what Charlie Kirk was doing and so on, but I'm in my bulletproof studio.
[00:11:47]  But yeah, it's not common, certainly online, for people to have these sort of live unscreened call-in shows.
[00:11:54]  Bring whatever you want to the table, right?
[00:11:56]  And I actually think it works out pretty well.
[00:11:58]  But when I have a sort of odd or unclosed disagreement, like with the guy who was the radical skeptic, I think it was, yeah, Friday.
[00:12:09]  And so I'll do a show.
[00:12:10]  I'll often put it out to donors, which is like, here's where I felt I didn't complete the circle.
[00:12:14]  Here's where I felt like the is-aught dichotomy, which I had good explanations for in essential philosophy and in UPB.
[00:12:22]  But I needed to have an absolutely closed circle.
[00:12:24]  I need to move it from, well, you have to agree with this to it's impossible to disagree.
[00:12:29]  I have to move it from probabilistic reasoning to absolute reasoning, from inductive, which is probability, to deductive, which is 100% given to premises.
[00:12:44]  So when I have failed to close the loop, I circle back and make sure that I close the loop and then I'm better prepared for next time.
[00:12:53]  So just by the by, this is going out to GenPop, but what I was talking about in my review of the radical skeptic is a bit of a spoiler, but it'll, right?
[00:13:05]  So next time a radical skeptic comes on, I'll just claim that they agree with me.
[00:13:11]  And they'll say, no, I don't.
[00:13:13]  I said, no, you agreed with me.
[00:13:16]  And then they'll get mad and say they absolutely didn't.
[00:13:18]  And then, okay, so you're not a radical skeptic.
[00:13:20]  Or I simply don't reply and they say, are you there?
[00:13:24]  Hello?
[00:13:24]  And I said, no, I already replied.
[00:13:25]  And they say, no, you didn't.
[00:13:26]  They said, no, I already replied.
[00:13:28]  No, you didn't.
[00:13:29]  Okay, so then you're 100% certain of that, right?
[00:13:31]  So you can build the certainty from the interaction.
[00:13:33]  And that way it's a closed loop, right?
[00:13:36]  Because they don't say, I think you didn't reply.
[00:13:39]  They say you didn't reply like an absolute statement.
[00:13:41]  And the moment you start making absolute statements, you can't say, well, but embedded in that is a non-certainty.
[00:13:47]  No, no, no, that doesn't.
[00:13:49]  You can't make an absolute statement and then say it's not an absolute statement.
[00:13:51]  So that's the answer is to do it based upon the behavior and their certainty about that behavior.
[00:14:01]  So humility is essential or insecurity.
[00:14:06]  I was insecure 20 years ago that I had an unshakable answer to the question of morality.
[00:14:16]  Oh, that which is good for, that is, which is best for the survival and flourishing of man, blah, blah, blah.
[00:14:21]  Well, it's true for decent moral people, but I didn't want to write diet books for thin people.
[00:14:27]  I wanted to be able to compel through reason agreement from those who opposed everything, right?
[00:14:33]  Which is why John, the philosophy professor who called in, he actually showed up the other day on my timeline.
[00:14:39]  So he called in and came at me hard, man.
[00:14:42]  Insults, insults.
[00:14:43]  It was very girly, very, very sad.
[00:14:45]  Sorry, Dinside Girls.
[00:14:46]  But it was very sort of pathetic.
[00:14:48]  And after a while, it's just like, okay, can you blah, blah, blah.
[00:14:51]  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:14:52]  I'm a bad guy.
[00:14:53]  I don't know how to think.
[00:14:54]  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:14:55]  Can you get onto any actual arguments, right?
[00:14:57]  Because it's just projection when people come in and say, Steph, you're just a terrible thinker.
[00:15:00]  It's like, can you actually make an argument?
[00:15:02]  Are you just going to sling insults like a terrible thinker?
[00:15:04]  And I got him to agree that rape, theft, assault, and murder can never be universally preferable behavior.
[00:15:09]  And he's like, so?
[00:15:09]  I'm like, that's actually a pretty big deal right there, right?
[00:15:12]  Anyway, so he kind of went off to lick his wounds, I guess, and then he showed up again on my feet the other day.
[00:15:18]  Well, when I want to show my students examples of bad reasoning, I just show them your post.
[00:15:22]  It's like, well, why don't you show them our debate where you had to concede my entire points of all of my points about morality?
[00:15:29]  You know, you were literally debating with me live.
[00:15:31]  And he's like, you don't even know the difference between deductive and inductive reasoning.
[00:15:35]  And I said, well, here's how I explained it in my book, The Art of the Argument.
[00:15:38]  And he's like, oh, yeah, no, that's right.
[00:15:41]  It was just, you know, but no humility, right?
[00:15:44]  And that's fine.
[00:15:44]  We all, we all struggle with vanity, right?
[00:15:47]  So you have to believe that you can achieve it, which before you do, maybe a certain amount of vanity, but you also have to be insecure enough to know you have to work very hard to achieve it, which is your humility, right?
[00:15:57]  So progress is like, you know, how you go up the ladder one rung at a time, don't hop up and down.
[00:16:03]  But humility and vanity, I have to believe I can achieve it.
[00:16:08]  And I'm humble enough to know that I have to work hard to get it and to criticize myself when I fail to achieve it, which is sort of what I do in some of these live debates.
[00:16:15]  So, ah, yes, it's great that you're here live too, John.
[00:16:22]  I appreciate that.
[00:16:22]  Thank you.
[00:16:24]  So the trust in the other person and the insecurity or humility to say, I could be wrong.
[00:16:33]  I could be wrong.
[00:16:34]  Okay.
[00:16:35]  So gaslighting exploits those.
[00:16:38]  You trust the other person and you're willing to accept that you might be wrong.
[00:16:47]  So these two virtues, humility and trust, are virtues in the right context, right?
[00:16:55]  They're not virtues in the wrong contexts.
[00:16:58]  But let's see here.
[00:17:00]  I want to hear what you guys have to say about it.
[00:17:03]  Somebody says, my parents denied basically every memory from my childhood.
[00:17:06]  Yep, absolutely.
[00:17:07]  I went through that too.
[00:17:08]  It never happened.
[00:17:09]  You're misremembering, blah, blah, blah.
[00:17:11]  Somebody says, yes, with regards to gaslighting, my older brother used to do it all the time over even the smallest things.
[00:17:17]  Yeah, for sure, because they need to keep you off balance, right?
[00:17:19]  You're always wrong.
[00:17:20]  You're always wrong.
[00:17:20]  I'm always right.
[00:17:21]  You're always wrong.
[00:17:22]  Somebody says, anytime I've ever brought up any abuse or mistreatment to my mother, I've gotten a master class in gaslighting.
[00:17:28]  Yeah.
[00:17:29]  Parents saying I had a perfect childhood.
[00:17:31]  Says someone, somebody else says, parents not taking accountability when confronted.
[00:17:34]  Yes, very important.
[00:17:36]  Yep.
[00:17:36]  And parents over childhood memories.
[00:17:38]  Yes to gaslighting.
[00:17:40]  So James says, yes, I once mentioned being hit by my father with a belt.
[00:17:44]  He completely denied it.
[00:17:45]  And my brother backed him up saying he didn't remember it.
[00:17:47]  Father was gaslighting.
[00:17:48]  My brother was just going along with him.
[00:17:50]  Well, your brother was gaslighting it too.
[00:17:53]  Chris says, gaslit about past events, which I have concern about or unresolved issues with both parents and co-workers.
[00:18:02]  James says, oh, I was younger.
[00:18:04]  My brother was two years younger.
[00:18:05]  Somebody says, my mom's saying, I never said that.
[00:18:09]  I don't want to dive too far down the memory hole this morning, but I remember how badly that effed me up.
[00:18:14]  Just constantly as a kid, not being able to trust anything or normalizing that it's okay for people to lie to me.
[00:18:20]  Yeah, yeah.
[00:18:21]  Yeah.
[00:18:22]  For sure.
[00:18:24]  For sure.
[00:18:27]  And have you been in romantic relationships where the gaslighting could power the Hindenburg?
[00:18:36]  I think only one.
[00:18:39]  I think only one romantic relationship was I in where it was pretty clear.
[00:18:49]  John says, thank you for the tip.
[00:18:51]  I'm being gaslit at work and I'm in the top 20% of all salespeople in the company.
[00:18:55]  People really are haters.
[00:18:58]  Well, there's a tipping point.
[00:19:01]  If you can compete with people, then their abilities inspire you.
[00:19:05]  If you can't compete with people, you are easily tempted by resentment.
[00:19:10]  Resentment is a confession of an inability to compete, right?
[00:19:16]  So, how do you battle gaslighting?
[00:19:24]  How do you fight gaslighting?
[00:19:25]  How do you overturn gaslighting in relationships?
[00:19:31]  What do you think?
[00:19:38]  What do you think?
[00:19:42]  How do you overturn it?
[00:19:43]  What is your defense against gaslighting?
[00:19:52]  What do you think?
[00:19:54]  I will give you time.
[00:19:57]  Stay away from people who gaslight.
[00:19:58]  That's it.
[00:19:59]  Yeah, for sure.
[00:20:00]  But you still need to be able to win in the moment with gas lighters.
[00:20:10]  I have to.
[00:20:10]  Yes, absolutely.
[00:20:11]  But if you just leave people without overturning them and proving them wrong in your mind, the thoughts follow you.
[00:20:17]  The regrets follow you.
[00:20:18]  The lack of defense follows you.
[00:20:21]  See, here's this.
[00:20:21]  It's a wild thing, man.
[00:20:24]  Predators will always smell your defenses.
[00:20:30]  They sniff them out.
[00:20:31]  And even if you've left, oh, I've left all my gaslighters behind.
[00:20:34]  If you haven't understood how to overturn the principle of gaslighting, they will still be drawn to you because you don't have that defense.
[00:20:40]  In fact, you have the prior wound, which they can use to wounds like bacteria come in through infections, right?
[00:20:47]  So if you've been wounded, then you're more likely to get more gaslighters in your life.
[00:20:54]  Ostracism?
[00:20:55]  Yeah, that certainly helps.
[00:20:56]  I've learned it's not worth challenging people in interpersonal situations that are lying.
[00:21:00]  Just nod my head and agree and move on.
[00:21:02]  I hold them accountable for their actions, then leave.
[00:21:05]  Not a good defense, but I talk to them less and less until complete silent treatment, yeah.
[00:21:10]  Do not accept that your concern is not real to you.
[00:21:13]  Don't gaslight yourself, yeah?
[00:21:15]  Somebody says, I find it more useful, and it could be wrong.
[00:21:18]  In fact, I'm probably wrong, to not let them know how much you're something them.
[00:21:22]  I think there's a word missing there.
[00:21:26]  I don't think this is right, but the first thing that comes to mind is, oh, thank you for agreeing with me.
[00:21:30]  I really appreciate that.
[00:21:32]  John says, thank you for the tip.
[00:21:33]  You have to outwit them and you have to embarrass them.
[00:21:35]  No, anchor.
[00:21:36]  No.
[00:21:36]  Oh, gosh, you're going to kick yourself.
[00:21:40]  Oh, I'm gaslighting you.
[00:21:41]  I've only been gaslit by people with a history of bad character, so I use past history to become certain that they are lying currently.
[00:21:49]  Oh, Zim says, let them know how much you're onto them, right?
[00:21:52]  Not into them, onto them.
[00:21:54]  All right.
[00:21:55]  That's a good point.
[00:21:57]  And again, if you're an ex, ex is just going out to subscribers.
[00:22:01]  Welcome to have chats about this.
[00:22:03]  So what I've done with gaslighting is, let's say, I just made a gap situation.
[00:22:16]  Dating some girl and she threw a cup against the wall, right?
[00:22:22]  Right?
[00:22:23]  And then she says, that never happened.
[00:22:25]  And I know it happened, right?
[00:22:26]  So it never happened, right?
[00:22:31]  And say, you're absolutely certain.
[00:22:34]  You're certain it never happened.
[00:22:35]  Yes, I'm absolutely certain it never happened, right?
[00:22:38]  I say, well, now we have a challenge.
[00:22:39]  I'm absolutely certain it did happen.
[00:22:42]  You're absolutely certain it didn't happen.
[00:22:46]  So who's right?
[00:22:48]  Well, I'm right.
[00:22:49]  Okay, so it's your principle, is your principle that only your memory is correct and my memory is always incorrect.
[00:22:57]  Because I can't think of a time where my memory has been correct and you've given way.
[00:23:01]  So is the principle that only you are right when it comes to memory?
[00:23:06]  It's not a good principle, is it?
[00:23:08]  Because if I take your principle, universalizing, that's how you fight gaslighting, is you universalize.
[00:23:15]  What is the principle by which you tell me you're absolutely certain you never threw a cup against the wall?
[00:23:20]  What is the principle?
[00:23:21]  What is the principle?
[00:23:24]  Is the principle that all memory is valid?
[00:23:29]  All memory is true.
[00:23:32]  All memory.
[00:23:32]  Or is it just for you?
[00:23:34]  Because it's not a principle if it's just for you.
[00:23:35]  That's just narcissism.
[00:23:37]  If only your memory is right, then you have no principle.
[00:23:41]  You just have that you're always right.
[00:23:43]  That's not a principle.
[00:23:46]  Universalize, universalize, universalize.
[00:23:48]  What's the rule?
[00:23:49]  What's the rule we're playing by here, people?
[00:23:52]  What is the rule where we're universalizing?
[00:23:54]  That's the rule we play by, always.
[00:24:02]  By what standard?
[00:24:03]  Well, you're just wrong.
[00:24:03]  That's not a standard.
[00:24:04]  What is the standard?
[00:24:06]  It's the standard that everything we remember is true.
[00:24:08]  Well, that's as true for me as it is for you.
[00:24:10]  So that doesn't work.
[00:24:11]  What is the standard?
[00:24:12]  Get them to reveal the fucking narcissism.
[00:24:16]  The principle is that I'm always right and you're always wrong.
[00:24:20]  Get them to expose the self-serving, screwed up, megalomaniacal narcissism.
[00:24:29]  What is the principle?
[00:24:31]  It's the principle that, oh, it's the principle that all memory is valid.
[00:24:34]  Well, I remember you throwing the cup against the wall.
[00:24:40]  You say you don't remember that.
[00:24:43]  What's the principle?
[00:24:44]  How do I, I mean, it's a question.
[00:24:45]  How do we resolve this?
[00:24:46]  We both remember different things.
[00:24:50]  We both remember different things.
[00:24:55]  That's the universalizing.
[00:25:00]  That's the universalizing.
[00:25:05]  You know the old trick.
[00:25:07]  If you think someone's trying to poison, if you think someone's trying to poison you, pull in Aaron Brockovich, right?
[00:25:15]  If you think someone's trying to poison you, get them to drink from their own cup.
[00:25:19]  Because they're saying it's safe.
[00:25:20]  Get them to live by their own values.
[00:25:23]  Is the value that all memory is valid?
[00:25:26]  And everyone who disagrees with your memory is invalid.
[00:25:29]  Everyone who disagrees with memory is wrong.
[00:25:32]  Well, then we have a contradiction because we both remember different things.

=== Rules Cannot Dent Wall (02:31) ===

[00:25:36]  It cannot be true that we're both right.
[00:25:38]  It cannot be, we cannot go on the principle that every memory is true because I remember you throwing the cup against the wall.
[00:25:48]  You say it didn't happen.
[00:25:49]  No, you claim to not remember it.
[00:25:50]  So what is the principle?
[00:25:53]  What is the rule?
[00:25:54]  You can't have a relationship if you don't have any rules.
[00:25:57]  You can't play a game of chess if you don't have any rules.
[00:25:59]  You can't play tennis if you don't have any rules.
[00:26:03]  You can't do anything with anyone else if you don't have any rules.
[00:26:06]  Even the rules of syntax, sentences, grammar, comprehensibility, not both talking at the same time.
[00:26:12]  What are the rules?
[00:26:14]  What are the rules by which we resolve our dispute?
[00:26:17]  Tell me what the rule is.
[00:26:18]  Well, I'm just in this instance.
[00:26:20]  No, no, no, no, no.
[00:26:22]  What are the rules?
[00:26:23]  How do you know that you're perfectly right and I'm perfectly right?
[00:26:26]  Well, I don't remember it.
[00:26:27]  It's like, yes, I understand that.
[00:26:29]  You don't remember throwing the cup against the wall.
[00:26:31]  I remember you throwing the cup against the wall.
[00:26:32]  I'll give you, it was on this day.
[00:26:34]  This is that.
[00:26:34]  We did this before.
[00:26:35]  We were having this conflict.
[00:26:36]  There's the dent in the wall.
[00:26:37]  You can't produce the cup.
[00:26:39]  You know, there's some evidence, right?
[00:26:40]  There's some evidence.
[00:26:41]  No cup.
[00:26:41]  The cup's gone.
[00:26:43]  There is a dent in the wall.
[00:26:46]  So something happened.
[00:26:50]  There's a little bit of evidence.
[00:26:52]  There's a little bit of evidence.
[00:26:57]  But you ask people, don't get involved in fights.
[00:27:01]  Don't get involved in he said, she said.
[00:27:04]  Don't get involved in that stuff.
[00:27:05]  Just ask, what are the rules?
[00:27:11]  What are the rules?
[00:27:12]  What are the rules?
[00:27:15]  You've got to trust me, right?
[00:27:17]  That's what people say.
[00:27:18]  Trust me.
[00:27:19]  I didn't do it.
[00:27:19]  It's like, okay, so what is the rule?
[00:27:21]  It's the rule we trust the other person and believe them.
[00:27:23]  Then you have to trust and believe me that you did throw the cup against the wall.
[00:27:27]  What is the rule?
[00:27:28]  You're wrong.
[00:27:29]  Okay, so the rule is that the other person is always wrong.
[00:27:31]  Well, that rule applies to me.
[00:27:32]  So you're wrong.
[00:27:33]  Give me a rule that's not narcissism.
[00:27:35]  That's all.
[00:27:36]  Give me a rule that's not you benefiting solitism.
[00:27:41]  Just give me a rule that's not you win.
[00:27:43]  That's not a rule.
[00:27:44]  It's like playing a game of chess saying, well, I don't have any rules for chess, but the rule is I win.
[00:27:49]  Like, how can we even play if there's no game?
[00:27:51]  There's no interaction.
[00:27:52]  There's no negotiation.
[00:27:53]  There's no debate, right?
[00:27:57]  It'd be like going into selling a house and saying, well, the price of the house is whatever the hell I want.
[00:28:02]  I get what I want in this negotiation, but it's a negotiation, so shouldn't we both get one?

=== Negotiation Break Rules (02:32) ===

[00:28:07]  Blah, blah, blah.
[00:28:08]  What's the rule?
[00:28:11]  What's the rule?
[00:28:15]  Ask for the rules.
[00:28:19]  Ask for the rules.
[00:28:25]  John says, this show is very helpful.
[00:28:26]  By the way, I've been fighting uphill battles.
[00:28:28]  I've been in my new role for one full quarter.
[00:28:30]  I've already had my annual peaks.
[00:28:31]  My higher-ups clients and co-workers in other offices are raving fans.
[00:28:34]  The people in my office hate the air I breathe.
[00:28:37]  Well, you know, you've got to break through the mids, right?
[00:28:40]  In order to succeed, I mean, if you start off low, right?
[00:28:43]  I know I did, right?
[00:28:43]  If you start off low, you've got to break through the mids.
[00:28:46]  The mids is this crusty layer of resentment and pettiness and slave morality.
[00:28:51]  You've got to break through that to get to the really successful people who enjoy your success.
[00:28:56]  So I don't want to oversell, but that's how you deal.
[00:28:59]  It's how you deal with conflicts.
[00:29:01]  Tell me the rules.
[00:29:01]  What are the rules?
[00:29:05]  And people tell you the rules by how they treat you.
[00:29:12]  Okay, well, we'll get into that.
[00:29:14]  We're going to go private now.
[00:29:17]  So if you want to join the private channel, you can go to FDRurl.com slash locals.
[00:29:23]  Get a free month.
[00:29:23]  You can try it out for a month.
[00:29:24]  Don't pay a thing.
[00:29:26]  Get all the benefits and bonuses.
[00:29:27]  I will be recording.
[00:29:28]  I have one of the most delightful chapters in the history of my writing coming up, which is Helen's boss.
[00:29:34]  Love that guy.
[00:29:34]  Love, love, love that guy.
[00:29:36]  He is rich and a great character.
[00:29:42]  A memory of something is more reliable than a non-memory.
[00:29:46]  Could be, unless, yeah, yes, for sure, but unless it's something vivid.
[00:29:51]  All right.
[00:29:52]  Like if somebody said to me, you jumped off the Eiffel Tower.
[00:29:56]  I have a memory of you jumping off the Eiffel Tower.
[00:29:58]  But no, I never jumped off the Eiffel Tower.
[00:29:59]  Like, I know that for sure.
[00:30:00]  I never jumped off the Eiffel Tower.
[00:30:02]  So it depends how vivid it is.
[00:30:04]  All right.
[00:30:04]  So we're going to go just to donor us.
[00:30:07]  And I get what will still be going on.
[00:30:10]  X. And we've got 30 seconds.
[00:30:14]  And the next one, the lens and thought processes of a selfish person.
[00:30:18]  How do you explain or understand?
[00:30:20]  You know, I think most of us here are not selfish.
[00:30:23]  And so somebody asked me, what are the lens and thought process of a selfish person who puts their own needs and preferences above everything and everyone else?
[00:30:31]  How to understand that and process that?
[00:30:34]  And of course, to battle and fight that.
[00:30:36]  So we'll get into that in the donor section, freedomain.com slash donate to subscribe.