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Sept. 2, 2024 - Freedomain Radio - Stefan Molyneux
12:06
The Root of All Conflict!
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Hey there, it's Steph.
I just wanted to give you a couple of more conflict resolution tips, because, you know, everybody knows how fantastic I am at conflict resolution.
I mean, whoever gets upset with me never happens.
Impossible.
So really, relationship negotiation, conflict resolution is a commitment to tell the truth.
All conflict is based on falsehood.
And if you tell the truth, then conflict generally evaporates.
So if you have that as a principle in your life, all conflict is founded on falsehood.
I mean, if you look at religious conflicts, right, that's because they're not using philosophy to determine the truth.
All conflict is based on falsehood.
If you look at cultural Hostilities.
Well, you see this among religions and ethnicities and countries and so on, but you don't see that in mathematics, in logic, in science, because they have a methodology for resolving disagreements that is objective.
And so, if you understand that when you see a conflict, then you are seeing two people who are lying.
And I know this sounds harsh, but you're seeing two people who are lying.
Now, we can think of extreme cases where one person is genuinely the victim and the other person is really predatory.
So, I'm not saying this is 100%.
This is not deductive.
This is inductive.
And the vast majority of conflicts are two people lying.
So, for instance, if a man marries a woman because she's hot, because she's sexy, then he's lying.
Because he's saying, I love you, when what he's saying is, I lust after your body.
That's what the real thing is.
So what he lies about is loving her when he, in fact, only lusts after her.
So this is a relationship that is going to have a lot of conflict because it's founded on a lie.
If a woman says to a man, I love you, but he's just wealthy and she wants access to his money, then she is also lying about things.
If someone says, I'm angry because you didn't do the dishes, then that person is lying.
What they are angry at is the feeling of being unloved because the other person doesn't do the dishes.
So they set up a situation where they say, if the man loved me, he would do the dishes.
He doesn't do the dishes, therefore he doesn't love me, therefore I feel rejected.
Feeling rejected.
My defensive reaction to feeling rejected is to be angry.
And instead of being honest about my vulnerability or my mistaken thinking of love for a man means doing the dishes, she lies.
And she says, it's disrespectful.
You don't do the dishes.
You're lazy.
Like she's just lying.
Now she may not even know the truth.
So maybe it's that automatic a process, but all conflict is based on falsehood and the best way To reduce tensions is to tell the truth.
Just tell the truth.
But people very rarely do that in relationships.
It's not exactly like an eclipse because it's more rare.
As a whole, people are not telling the truth.
And because they're not telling the truth, they end up with no way to resolve disputes.
How do you resolve disputes?
Reason and evidence.
But you can't reason if you're not telling the truth.
And if you're not telling the truth, then the evidence can't help you.
In fact, the evidence will put you in the wrong place.
The evidence will baffle and confuse you.
It will not help you.
So if you look at a business, let's say you've got five products and you want to invest in the product that is making you the most profit, then you have to look at the data, right?
How much?
Is each product selling and how much profit are we making off each product?
That's your data.
And if you have bad data, right?
So let's say the manager of product A falsifies the data.
So it looks like product A is by far the most profitable product.
Well, then you're going to invest a lot in product A.
And that manager's going to have an expanded budget and more hiring authorities and all this kind of stuff, right?
So if you have bad data, you can't make good decisions.
And in a relationship, if people lie to each other, they are giving each other bad data.
Now, because they're giving each other bad data, all the decisions they make based upon
that bad data is wrong.
So for instance, let's take an example that's quite common.
A woman gets a man because she makes herself sexy, right?
She makes herself sexy.
She offers sex very early on.
And so she gets a man and then she kind of half nags, half seduces him into marrying her.
So of course, deep down, she knows that she has, she's living a lie.
The lie is we love each other.
The reality is we were just turned on with each other.
Right?
That's it.
That's all there is.
So deep down she doesn't feel that she's lovable for who she is and so she has to sex bomb the guy to get him to commit to her.
So then what happens is she gets married and she feels unloved.
And she feels unloved because she used sex to get the guy to commit.
Or it could be that she got pregnant and then used that to trap the guy or whatever it is, right?
So the relationship is based on a falsehood.
The falsehood is that the people love each other, and the reality is he's got money, she's got sexiness, and that's the trade.
So because she feels unloved because of the decisions she made in order to get the guy, which is to provide sex, not virtue, and then to lie about it all.
So because she feels unloved, she then blames her dissatisfaction I'm the man.
You're not making me feel loved.
You're not doing enough.
You're not bringing me flowers.
We need a date night.
You need to spend more time with me.
You need to care more about me.
The reason I feel unloved is because you are not speaking my love language, because I'm from Venus and you're from Mars, and all this nonsense.
And there's huge industries around all of this, of course, right?
But all of this is just pure nonsense.
If you get a guy because you gave him sex, you will not feel loved.
And you will be very unhappy because the relationship is based on lying.
The having sex part is not the lying, it's pretending that there's a big love involved when it's just about sexual access.
That conflict where the woman feels unloved, she then blames on the man.
Well, if you did dishes, and if you're never home, and then you get this vicious cycle where because she's blaming the man, For something that was her own choice that he made his own
choices to but she's blaming the man i don't feel loved i don't feel like i'm getting.
A fashion i don't feel like i don't feel taken care of i don't feel treasured and so on right so she wants the
fruits of virtue.
Which is love love is the fruit of virtue so she wants the fruits of virtue but she doesn't want to be actually
virtuous which i understand.
People want the fruits of dieting without actually having to diet.
People want the fruits of exercise without actually exercising.
I get that.
People want the effects, not the cause.
That's natural.
So the whole relationship is based on a wild series of falsehoods.
We love each other.
Nope.
It's just lust and money.
You're wonderful.
Nope.
You're just sexually available and sexy.
You know, we're, we're married to, we, we are a union of two hearts.
We are one flesh, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And it's all a lie.
And then the dissatisfaction that comes from living a lie, well, the two partners blame each other.
They blame each other.
And the security the woman was looking for turns into the insecurity of never feeling loved.
And it turns into a long-term slow burn anxiety slash panic attack because she put forward sexual access As the means of getting the guy.
And the guy just gets wealthier and, you know, hopefully reasonably attractive, stays reasonably attractive as he ages.
So then, she has this slow burn insecurity.
She got the guy through sexual access.
And then what happens?
Well, there are other younger women coming along who will offer the same sexual access.
So she can't compete.
So she has this desperation to look young, to stay young.
She has this panic.
About some younger woman coming along and providing sexual access.
I mean, if sexual access is what you're providing, I mean, there's younger models coming out every day, right?
There's the Leonardo DiCaprio model, right?
And there's younger women coming out along every day who will give sexual access and be more attractive, right?
So a virtue is not replaceable.
A virtue in an individual is not replaceable.
Virtue and emotional compatibility is not replaceable.
My wife doesn't worry about some younger woman coming along, right?
I don't worry about some wealthier guy coming along, as we are united on virtue, on grounds of virtue.
So, because the relationship is founded on a falsehood that they love each other, where it's just money and lust, the relationship is going to be constantly dissatisfying, because living a lie shafes the conscience.
And as a result, there's going to be endless amounts of conflict.
Because the only thing that can solve the problems in the marriage would be to reforge the marriage in the image of virtue.
To say, okay, we started off wrong, but let's both work to be virtuous, and that way we can end up in a great place.
But people don't want to do that.
People will do anything, anything, rather than just commit themselves to honesty and virtue.
Because to be honest in a marriage that is claimed to be based on love and virtue, but which is actually based on lust and resources, to be honest about that would be to break the marriage.
Marriage vows would all have proven to be false and all of that.
And it would take time.
I think it could be done.
I think it could be done.
But it's very rare.
And people usually don't even know what the problem is, right?
Because we've drifted so far from conversations about practical virtues.
It's all, you know, virtue signaling and this and the other.
So we've drifted so far from practical virtues that The idea that marital dissatisfaction is based upon lying and falsehood and living a lie is so far from us that we don't even really think about it as an option, right?
I mean, the therapists will just say, oh, you just need to be honest.
And it's like, well, that's not really the problem.
The problem is honesty might disrupt or decay the entire marriage, right?
And of course, if you are in a relationship, which is only a relationship with falsehoods, Then the problem is that if you start telling the truth and being virtuous, it doesn't just disrupt your marital relationship, it disrupts all of your relationships.
Because everyone around you was totally fine with you getting married and raised glasses and cheered about you getting married when it was not a relationship based on virtue, love, and trust.
Which means that they themselves have relationships not based on virtue, love, and trust, and you are in trash planet.
You're in manipulative trash planet.
And that's a very, very tough quagmire to get out of.
Very, very tough quagmire to get out of and, and very few make it.
And mostly people just keep going down and down and down.
freedomain.com slash donate.
Hope this helps.
Thank you so much for your time and support.
Lots of love from up here.
I'll talk to you soon.
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