"My lack of integrity has left me feeling as though I am an empty vessel. I have a strong aversion to sharing my honest thoughts with both family and friends. Whether these thoughts are benign or whether they are 'harsh truths', I feel anxious in admitting to either."I am reluctant to express discontent with the members of my family. In the past I have gone so far as to admit to my mother that I feel no love for her, and yet even today I still express my love to her through what I feel are merely platitudes. Specifically in this case, it feels as though expressing the truth of my feelings toward her has had no bearing on how our relationship has changed over time."I have drifted from your show in the past when I felt as though I was finding success in relationships or was developing a more honest sense of self. However, in the wake of the premature ending of a recent relationship, it's becoming more difficult to avoid confronting my patterns of behavior."I do struggle with vanity, which has been reinforced by an unearned sense of pride. I procrastinate exploring the opportunities that I want to explore. I believe this to be the case for two reasons: 1. From what I have experienced through trying new things, it is humbling to learn that true value comes from investment and hard work, and 2. Regardless of whatever I am pursuing, I cannot escape myself."The humility required to be authentic is very intimidating to me. Even now, I am craving easy answers as to how I can begin resolving my issues."I would very much appreciate your help in providing me with the tools necessary to take measured, achievable steps in identifying the roots of my vanity, pride, and the anxieties that scare me away from confronting them."I would like to provide some biographical information below:"I am a man in my late twenties. My only sexual experience has come from a one night stand."I do have a small group of friends, but only feel comfortable having significant conversations with one of them."I am a child of divorce, and I have several siblings. Some of my siblings come from my birth mother and father, and the others come from my father's second marriage. My father is now in the process of divorcing his second wife."My childhood was spent in bouts of both repressed and overt anger. When I did act out, either by throwing a tantrum or destroying my own property or the property of others, steps were never taken afterwards to address the roots of my anger."I have seen two different talk therapists off and on over the past few years and have felt as though I have yet to get much use out of the sessions."I am writing to you because in the wake of my most recent relationship, I am only now recognizing how dangerously dishonest it is to not listen to my conscience and express myself in accordance with it. Furthermore, I have caught a glimpse of how continuing this behavior while in a relationship with another person is going to undermine any capacity to ever build trust."I am now in the process of converting to Catholicism after spending some time searching for a religious community. I grew up Protestant, but Catholic Mass is a form of worship with which I feel as though I have a legitimate connection. My goal with following a religion and participating in a community is to look beyond myself and consider the needs of others. I would like to begin the process of looking beyond myself, where I do feel the roots of my problems lie. As a person with little integrity, I have yet to fully appreciate the irony that I am joining a religion wherein one of its Sacraments is Reconciliation through the act of Confession. I admittedly recognize that the pattern of ignoring my own issues while wrapping myself in the flag of 'helping others' is present here as well."I want to stop using people while claiming ignorance of the consequences of my behavior in light of my 'best intentions'. Please help provide me with the tools to stop lying to myself and those in my life."Join the PREMIUM philosophy community on the web for free!NOW AVAILABLE FOR SUBSCRIBERS: MY NEW BOOK 'PEACEFUL PARENTING' - AND THE INTERACTIVE PEACEFUL PARENTING AI AND AUDIOBOOK!Also get the Truth About the French Revolution, the interactive multi-lingual philosophy AI trained on thousands of hours of my material, private livestreams, premium call in shows, the 22 Part History of Philosophers series and much more!See you soon!https://freedomain.locals.com/support/promo/UPB2022
My lack of integrity has left me feeling as though I am an empty vessel.
I have a strong aversion to sharing my honest thoughts with both family and friends.
Whether these thoughts are benign or whether they are harsh truths, I feel anxious in admitting to either.
I am reluctant to express discontent with the members of my family.
In the past, I have gone so far as to admit to my mother that I feel no love for her,
And yet even today, I still express my love to her through what I feel are merely platitudes.
Specifically in this case, it feels as though expressing the truth of my feelings towards her has had no bearing on how our relationship has changed over time.
I have drifted from your show in the past when I felt as though I was finding success in relationships or was developing a more honest sense of self.
However, in the wake of the premature ending of a recent relationship,
It's becoming more difficult to avoid confronting my patterns of behavior.
I do struggle with vanity, which has been reinforced by an unearned sense of pride.
I procrastinate exploring the opportunities that I want to explore.
I believe this to be the case for two reasons.
One, from what I have experienced through trying new things, it is humbling to learn that true value comes from investment and hard work.
And two, regardless of whatever I am pursuing, I cannot escape myself.
The humility required to be authentic is very intimidating to me.
Even now, I am craving easy answers as to how I can begin resolving my issues.
I would very much appreciate your help in providing me with the tools necessary to take measured, achievable steps in identifying the roots of my vanity, pride, and the anxieties that scare me away from confronting them.
I would like to provide some biographical information below.
I'm a man in my late 20s.
My only sexual experience has come from a one-night stand.
I do have a small group of friends, but only feel comfortable having significant conversations with one of them.
I am a child of divorce, and I have several siblings.
Some of my siblings come from my birth mother and father, and the others come from my father's second marriage.
My father is now in the process of divorcing his second wife.
My childhood was spent in bouts of both repressed and overt anger.
When I did act out, either by throwing a tantrum or destroying my own property or the property of others,
Seps were never taken afterwards to address the roots of my anger.
I've seen two different talk therapists off and on over the past few years and have felt as though I have yet to get much use out of the sessions.
I'm writing to you because in the wake of my most recent relationship, I'm only now recognizing how dangerously dishonest it is to not listen to my conscience and express myself in accordance with it.
Furthermore, I have caught a glimpse of how continuing this behavior while in a relationship with another person is going to undermine any capacity to ever build trust.
I'm now in the process of converting to Catholicism after spending some time searching for a religious community.
I grew up Protestant, but Catholic Mass is a form of worship with which I feel as though I have a legitimate connection.
My goal of following a religion and participating in a community is to look beyond myself and consider the needs of others.
I would like to begin the process of looking beyond myself where I do feel the roots of my problems lie.
As a person with little integrity, I have yet to fully appreciate the irony that I'm joining a religion wherein one of its sacraments is reconciliation through the act of confession.
I admittedly recognize that the pattern of ignoring my own issues while wrapping myself in the flag of helping others is present here as well.
I want to stop using people while climbing ignorance of the consequences of my behavior in light of my best intentions.
Please help provide me with the tools to stop lying to myself and those in my life.
Thank you.
That's pretty harsh, man.
I mean, listen, I'm down with self-criticism.
I am, you know, and I get you're not, you know, 20, you're late 20s, but what do you think on reading that back?
Perhaps me bringing up the religion aspect is a little bit tangential, but what I felt in writing that and reaching that point where I was talking about, again, the idea of helping others almost as a way of avoiding working on myself is, again, something that I want to be mindful of.
So your response to me saying this is pretty self-critical is to criticize yourself again!
Uh, yeah, yeah, I guess so.
Excellent.
All right.
Well, okay.
I'll mark that down as a possible pattern.
Completely unconfirmed.
Okay.
Got it.
Okay.
Um, and then, um, I did, I tried to write out a few, a few things just, um, to, to bring up perhaps during the conversation.
Um, I did split up, uh, my notes into two parts.
I had like a childhood and then like an adult part.
Um,
So I guess perhaps just in addition to what I had written under childhood, I'd put, never taught how to effectively cope with difficult emotions.
And then under the adult parts, I guess perhaps as I've demonstrated here, utilize self-deprecation as a means of avoiding responsibility or criticism.
So... Sorry to unload like that.
No, that's fine.
That's fine.
Okay, so...
Where do you want to start?
Childhood?
Last relationship?
You mentioned your last relationship, so whatever works for you.
Perhaps the childhood would be the best place to start.
Well, it usually is, so... For sure, for sure.
I guess, would you prefer I just talk about...
I suppose, just to get into it, so my parents did divorce when I was quite young, I believe five or six.
And so I don't have much recollection of what my family life was like prior to that.
I do remember it being the case where I would get home from school and I would be waiting for my dad to get home from work.
And I would be happy to see him, but when he would show up, oftentimes he would, you know, spend some time with us, but then he would honestly disappear for most of the rest of the night.
Again, I really only have one vivid memory of that situation happening, but that is what sticks out to me.
But would you like me to continue?
Well, what do you mean he would disappear?
Like, I mean, I know disappear by definition means I don't know where, but do you have any theories based upon his later life or like, was he a video game addict, a computer addict, internet addict, porn addict?
What was he doing?
Yeah.
So, um, in digging a bit deeper later on in life, um, from what I have been told, uh, he would, um, my, my family would, uh, had this shed in our backyard.
And I believe what he would do most nights would come home, check in, and then go out there to smoke weed.
Well, smoke mead and what?
I mean, people just rarely smoke weed and stare at a wall.
Would he listen to music?
Would he play games?
Any idea?
That is a very good question.
Admittedly, I'm not sure.
Gosh, that's, I mean, that would have been probably before the time where he'd have the ability to listen to music out there, so... Wait, there was no Walkman?
Maybe he had a stereo out there?
Was there electricity out there?
There was not, no.
Okay, yeah, it could be a Walkman.
Or maybe, I don't know, I just, I'm not, I've never tried drugs, so I don't know, but my understanding is that there's very few people who just
Bake and do nothing.
Like, they just stare at a wall.
I mean, that would be a lot of drugs.
Fair enough, fair enough.
Anyway, it doesn't matter if you don't know.
I was just kind of curious.
Like, if he's gone all night, is he just smoking weed and staring at a wall?
That's kind of weird.
I mean, the whole thing's kind of weird, but that's even more weird.
Right, right.
No, again, that is that situation of waiting for him to come home, him showing up, and then me not
Knowing where he went for the rest of the night.
That's the one memory I do have from that far back.
Of course, you wouldn't know what your mom was doing.
She was around, I believe with it being the evening, she would be preparing dinner.
But I think that was the thing, was that she was present, but usually
Busy with something else, and my father would go off and just try to spend time by himself.
But wouldn't she say, I guess this is why they got divorced, but wouldn't she say, hey, guy, spend time with your kids, what are you doing?
I must admit, I don't recall there ever being a conversation like that between them, at least in front of us.
I know something that my parents have talked about, specifically my mother, is that they would do their best to not have conversations like that in front of us, whether it be an argument or something hopefully more constructive.
Sorry, arguments can't be constructive.
No, arguments can be constructive.
Abuse can't be, but arguments can be.
Right.
But yeah, so it felt like there was never, I never, prior to their divorce, I never really saw them working through things or trying to strengthen their relationship in any way.
I think, again, because in large part, my father would kind of go off on his own.
But admittedly, with that being the one memory I do have that far back,
That is not much to go off of.
Sorry, would you like me to continue?
And what about Weekend?
Any more time with him?
Weekend-wise?
A bit more so.
I know on weekends he would often busy himself with housework.
He would go out and mow the lawn and he would come in and again talk with us.
But I don't remember us ever sitting down having conversations or playing for any length of time.
I guess it's interesting because, um, my mother has shared with my older brother and I, um, recently some like old home videos.
And so there, there were situations where we do things like, you know, camp in the backyard and like, we would be out there spending time as the four of us, my mother, my father, my older brother and I, um, but I have
I think that was probably before the point where I would remember things like that.
And so it was, it's kind of, I guess it's nice, but simultaneously sort of heartbreaking to see that like, oh, like here we were like a, you know, a functional family to some extent, but for me to have no recollection of it, like, I feel like there's a great disconnect there.
Well, but home movies are mostly propaganda, right?
I mean, nobody films the bad stuff.
Very true, very true.
I'm not saying there wasn't any good stuff, but you wouldn't want to look at home movies and say, you know, that's like, hey, North Korea is just like they show in the movies.
I know that's an extreme example, but you wouldn't want to get overly sentimental about home movies because it's all the good stuff that's shown.
Very true, very true.
It's why people get a sense of the Garden of Eden, it's like selective memories.
But anyway, okay, so there was some functionality, and do you know, or do you have any idea, either then or now, what led up to your parents' divorce?
I believe, with focus on my father, I believe it was that he would refuse to stick up for his family and what our wants were, both of that of my mother and of us, in favor of he would often bend the knee to his own mother.
Um, who was overly, oftentimes overly critical and overly, um, involved in the choices that, um, we were making.
Uh, so I, I guess I would say I can certainly see that be being a contributing factor where, because my father was in
I was gonna say incapable, but refused to stick up for what was best for his family in order to just appease his own family.
I think that certainly led to friction.
And from what I've heard from my mother, they would have conversations about how in order to try to alleviate that, my mother would suggest like, oh, let's move to a different state.
Let's try to get away so we can have more space to try to protect our family.
Just, I guess, in an attempt to, you know, help my father out, make it a little bit easier for him.
I had to be that annoying guy, but as an empiricist, I'm always cautious about stories.
Right.
So, so, you know, well, he failed to do this.
It's like, okay, but what, what, what practical things or, or empirical or tangible things were happening?
Like in what way?
Like if I was just a documentary filmmaker filming your family back in the day, how would I know any of this stuff?
Like what would, what was said or done or not done?
Okay.
Um, thank you.
Thank you.
Um, so yes.
So, uh, for example, um, even with something as simple as the way that, um, our, uh, both myself and my brother, like the way our hair should be cut, uh, the way we should dress, um, my, my grandma, my, my dad's mom would give her opinion on something, um, that we should be doing.
And my father would, um, agree with her.
and enforce her rules on our family.
He would openly admit, this is something that's perhaps moving forward, but he would openly admit how he didn't like his mother, but he would still listen to her anyway.
Um, but I guess in terms of what he did, it was often just, oh, you know, my, my brother and I should go to, to this school.
We should dress this way.
Um, I guess perhaps more superficial things like that, but, um, that is, has been with the theme, uh, of my father until his mother, um, had passed away and,
In terms of what led to the divorce, I believe that that was a large contributing factor.
I'm sorry if that doesn't… No, that makes perfect sense to me.
I'm sure I'm missing something, so set me straight.
How's that not your mother's fault?
Now, do you mean in terms of holding my father accountable or in also not sticking up for her own family?
Well, no, I just mean in terms of, so let's say that everything that you've heard, right, and it's all true, that your dad was like a hopeless mama's boy, something like that.
Yeah.
Just let his mom rule the roost, right?
Is that the way?
I would certainly say so, yes.
Okay.
So, let me sort of give you an example, right?
If I take my daughter camping, and it's bad weather, so we go into a cave, and then we get driven out of the cave by a bear, right?
Okay.
Is it the bear's fault?
No, no, certainly not.
Is it my daughter's fault?
No.
Whose fault is it?
In that situation, it would be your fault.
Right, because I didn't check to see that the cave was unoccupied, right?
Right.
See what I'm getting at here, right?
I believe so.
Your father was a mama's boy, and your mom married him and gave him children.
Without dealing with that beforehand, without dealing with that up front?
In other words, your father was occupied by a bear called Mom, and she went and got married to him and gave kids to him, and like, but you know that!
Right.
Oh, okay.
I'm sorry.
I was stuck in the mindset of trying to like, you know, salvage the Titanic rather than the fact that she chose wrong.
No, no, no.
See, no, no.
I'm not saying, I didn't say, it's funny what people hear.
I didn't say she chose wrong.
Okay.
Oh, just that, that's- But that's what she chose.
She chose to date, get engaged to, get married to, have children with a mama's boy.
So how dare she leave him for being a mama's boy?
I don't, I mean, I, sorry, I just, maybe I'm missing something, but it's like, if I, you know, my wife is like five foot one and change.
Right.
And so she gets to see my nostrils and I get to see her forehead.
Right.
So I knew that when she was dating, when I was dating her, right.
Can I divorce her for being short?
No.
Man, we both have a marriage which is based around having cricks in our neck, right?
I can't divorce her for being short, can I?
No.
Okay.
Sorry, were your parents, or were they at the time, Christians?
Not particularly.
We would go to church.
Let me put it this way.
Did you get married in the church and did they say the standard vows?
Yes.
Okay.
So Christian enough, right?
Yeah.
And so you say to someone, I accept you as you are.
We are one flesh.
So I'm trying to, that's why I said, did something happen before they got divorced?
That wasn't blindingly obvious to everything that came before.
He didn't just wake up one day with a head injury and be a mama's boy, right?
Oh, okay.
I'm sorry, Stephan.
Thank you.
Yeah, so there was infidelity.
My father did cheat on my mom.
Why are we just talking about this now?
That's why you're the expert.
I'm sorry that... I'm not trying to be big critical here.
I just want to make sure that we don't go on another merry journey down nowhere lane.
No, no.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Okay, so it wasn't the Obama's boy thing.
It was the infidelity thing.
Yes.
Okay.
Yes.
So as far as I know... Did his mom tell him to have an affair?
No, I'm just kidding.
Sorry.
He ordered him.
Yeah, no.
He...
Yes, from what I've been told, he had met someone... You know, I don't know if... So his first affair with my mother, I don't know where exactly he had met her.
We actually, my brother and I, were introduced to... Sorry, his first affair with your mother?
I'm not sure what you mean by that phrasing.
Sorry, I'm kind of jumping the gun here.
So, he had an affair with my mother, which of course led to the divorce.
Sorry, he had an affair with your mother?
What are you talking about?
Against, like, he had an affair with another woman?
Like, having an affair with his wife is kind of contradictory, right?
Yes, I am sorry.
He had an affair with another woman.
Okay, with another woman.
I'm sorry.
So, yes.
And then, I guess what I had said, alluded to, was that ultimately,
Where he's now divorcing his second wife.
It was also because he had cheated on his second wife with another woman too.
So, um, yeah, uh, I think my, my father's infidelity was, um, broke up both of his marriages.
And why do you think he had an affair?
Um, I think the reason would be because, um, my,
Mother is a very emotional person.
She would, if confronted about something she's done or something she doesn't want to take responsibility for, oftentimes she would cry.
So my mother would use
Emotions as a defense mechanism to avoid.
I mean, I think both taking responsibility for.
Do you believe anything that you're saying here?
Cause I don't.
I mean, why did she, why did your dad have an affair?
Cause my mom was emotional.
What?
Okay.
Um,
She was... I mean, she's also a very... I'm sorry, I am... Okay, let me ask you the question another way.
Thank you.
Do you think it's possible for a man deeply in love with his wife, who gets his brain screwed out five times a week, to go and have an affair?
No.
Right.
Why not?
He feels loved, treasured, respected, has a great sex life, affection.
Would he go and have an affair?
No, because that's everything he would need at home with his wife.
Right.
Right.
Why do you go?
I mean, if your wife has prepared a great meal for you at home, it's your favorite food, it's beautifully prepared, your wife is serving it to you, do you say, I'm gonna go eat out?
No.
Right.
Now, I'm not saying your dad's not responsible, but the important thing in life is to look at the less obvious responsibility, right?
Yes.
Okay.
Does your mother withhold affection to manipulate or punish?
She does.
I'm trying to think of a concrete example of it.
Well, if she has that habit, right, then the most likely scenario is she decided not to battle her mother-in-law for control over her husband, or her fiancé, or her boyfriend.
I see your mom and dad meet, and she's like, wow, you know, he's kind of a mama's boy, and then she puts on her armor, right?
And she goes to battle, right?
Right.
And she removes
As much as possible of the maternal over-involvement in her marriage, right?
Now that's a bit of a standard thing in marriage, even among, you know, functional families, right?
Is that, you know, I mean, I've been a parent, right?
My daughter's going to be 16 this year.
And, you know, it's kind of tough to pull back, right?
And it's kind of tough to, you know, recognize that they're getting older and give them the space and the room and the privacy because, you know, you're just used to earlier stages of thought in life.
Does that make sense?
Yes, yes.
So having an over-involved mother is not the most rare thing in the universe, right?
Right.
So you have to battle, and this can be a funny battle, it doesn't have to be harsh or negative, but you kind of have to battle against your mother-in-law.
This is, I mean, this is famous, right?
Yes.
So, for whatever reason, I'm guessing, your mother chose not to engage in that battle and thus ended up in a marriage with a husband who was overly influenced by his mother, right?
Yes.
Now, rather than saying, well, I guess I better work to free him of this influence by being... maybe, maybe there's some confrontation involved, but a lot of it has to do with
You know, just being attractive and happy and sexy and you know, that's how you kind of get the mom away from your husband, right?
Or you get your husband away from the mom.
You leave this breadcrumbs of lingerie.
Well, I don't know, whatever, right?
Like, but it's kind of a natural thing, right?
Okay.
Okay.
Yes.
So, uh, what she did, I imagine, and you know, this is just a theory.
It could be totally wrong, but I imagine what she did was something like this.
She
She dated a momma's boy, got engaged to a momma's boy, and didn't say much of anything, other than saying maybe some negative stuff here and there.
She gets married to a momma's boy, she doesn't have that battle, she doesn't have that confrontation, she doesn't have that fight, she doesn't have that seduction, right?
Right.
And then, what happens?
She... starts to hold him in contempt.
Oh, you're such a momma's boy, all you do, she says jump, you say how high, you're not a real man, you're just...
We're good to go.
But because he's never been wooed away from his mother, when he's short of affection, he initially goes to his mother, which drives even more contempt, and how dare you run to your mother whenever you have a problem in the family, and he talks to his mother, and then his mother sows seeds of discord because maybe she wants him back, I don't know, whatever, right?
But then, eventually, the life of lovelessness and contempt and no sex and all of that, it's like,
If there's no food at home, I guess I'll eat going out.
I mean, don't we all make that decision a little bit?
It's not like, yeah, every now and then you just open up the fridge and like, man, there's nothing here.
I don't.
I mean, I got a wonderful wife, but you know, I remember when I was a single guy, I'd be like, yeah, I guess I'll go and eat out.
Cause I don't have any food here.
Right.
Right.
Again, I don't, I mean, that, that would be a fairly typical pattern.
That doesn't mean that that's what happened.
No, no.
I think that makes sense.
And sorry, if I can just try to, um,
Summarized just so I understand properly.
Um, the issue, um, there is that, uh, my mother was fully aware of who my dad was, chose him anyway, and then punished him for who he was.
Well, she was passive.
Okay.
Right.
So look, if, uh, did your parents, what, what age were your parents when they got married?
Uh, young, I think, um,
Early twenties.
So early twenties.
So she married a guy whose life had been overwhelmingly dominated by his mother, right?
Yes.
And that's natural.
There's nothing wrong with, I mean, that's, that's the nature of parenthood, right?
So when it comes to authority, when it comes to who you cleave to, he was much more used to obeying his mother than his wife, right?
And that would be the case for every single human being whose mother is still alive.
Right?
You, me, everyone.
We're much more used to obeying our mothers in our early 20s than a girlfriend, right?
Right.
Does that make sense?
Oh, yes sir.
It's not a criticism, it's just a fact of life, right?
Because you're learning a new language, right?
A new language called, I'm going to cleave to my girlfriend or my wife,
Not my mother, right?
As far as the feminine goes, right?
And you'll know when you're learning a new language, it's pretty easy to slip into the old language, right?
Right.
Does that make sense?
Ah, yes, yes.
So, she had the challenge of trying to gain more credibility and authority with your father.
When he was much more used to being dominated by his mother.
Now, again, a gracious mother will recognize that, and if she has a good relationship with her husband, you know, men exist to help pry mothers off children.
I mean, that's... Along with building bridges and supplying electricity, our major job is to pry the moms off the children, right?
Okay.
I mean, that's a standard issue thing, that the moms, you know, she can't ride a bike!
It's too soon!
It's like, nah, she'll be fine.
Oh, but what if she falls?
Yeah, she'll fall.
Like, just prying the moms off the kids, giving them some breathing room.
And there's nothing wrong with that.
It's not because women are dysfunctional.
It's a beautiful thing, right?
Women are incredibly attuned to children
Being hurt, upset, and as babies, that's how we keep them alive, right?
Like, we only exist because women are obsessed with our safety and comfort and health, right?
But then as the kid gets older, the dad has to intervene, right?
And has to say, look, we couldn't have the baby suffer, because when the babies suffer, they can die, right?
Like if they're hungry or whatever, right?
If you don't feed them, they can die, right?
But now our kid's older, she's gonna have to go through, he's gonna have to go through disappointment and loss, learn how to deal with failure, learn how to deal with rejection, like, we can't keep shielding these kids from reality, right?
And of course, so we're all alive because women are heavily involved in our happinesses, and then the job of the dad and the father is to pry that off a bit.
And of course it's the job of the mom to remind the dad that the kids are fragile and need help and all of that, right?
Yes.
Like your dad's mom, if she's got a happy marriage to a father, then the father's gonna be like, what's the grandfather gonna say, right?
What's your, if your dad's mom has a good relationship with her husband and she's interfering in her son's marriage, what's her husband gonna say?
The husband would say, you know, step off and let, you know, our son, you know,
Bond with her, his wife.
Yeah.
It's not your marriage.
You already have a marriage.
Leave, leave him in peace.
Let him figure it out.
Right.
Stop defeating, stop telling like this is bad for their marriage.
Right.
You need to, you need to back off and give them some breathing room.
Right.
Yeah.
Does that make sense?
Uh, yes.
Yes.
And of course, if your grandmother has a good relationship with her husband, she will recognize the wisdom in what he's saying.
Right.
Because he'll basically say, how would you have liked it if my mother had interfered to this degree in our marriage?
And she would have said, well, that would have been unacceptable.
And it's like, hello?
Right?
But you can't do it either, right?
Does that make sense?
Yes.
Yes.
Okay.
So what this tells me is that your grandmother did not have a good relationship with her husband so that he could pry her away from overly interfering in your parents' marriage.
Yes.
I would say, based on what I've seen, that's accurate.
Right.
So, if your grandmother didn't have a husband who could draw sensible boundaries against her over-involvement, then whose job is it to set those boundaries?
If her husband fails to do so, and if she's incapable of pulling back and recognizing those boundaries... Well, forget about it.
I don't want to use the word incapable, but if it's happening, right?
Right, right.
Then, I think like you said before, then wouldn't it be the job of my mom to step in?
Yeah, it would be the job.
Now you can say, ah, yes, but it's the job of your dad.
It's like, well, but he's battling this female octopus monster on his own and has been for a long time because this is happening because his father, like your father's father, didn't set boundaries to his wife to give your father room to grow.
So he can't fight that because he's never had an ally.
Right.
And the ally should have been his own father.
Right.
Okay.
But he's never had that ally.
Your father can't fight his mother if he doesn't have his own father as an ally.
In fact, it should have been his father's job to pry her off and give her some, give him some space.
Does that make sense?
Uh, yes.
So then it's your mother's job to be your father's ally in this, you know, Pink Floyd, the wall, marching hammer queen of over-involvement.
Does that make sense?
Uh, yes, yes.
Okay, so your mother
Took on a job.
Now, mama's boys are certainly not the end of the world.
It's not the worst thing in the world for a man to be deferential to a female, right?
That can be helpful in a marriage, right?
Because sometimes women are seriously right about stuff, right?
Right.
So, you get benefits of a quote mama's boy.
He's also sensitive and he really understands female nature, although he may be a little bit alarmed by some of the extremes.
So there's some real advantages.
But,
You do have to take on the boundary drawing, if that makes sense.
You cannot expect a child of an over-involved mother with no ally from the father, you cannot expect the son to draw boundaries with his mother.
That's going to have to be the job of the wife.
Now, ideally, that should be done before you even get married, but it absolutely has to be done before you have kids.
Okay.
Now, if you don't do that, then you end up in a situation
Where there's a war over the soul of the man.
And what happens is... I don't know this about your mother, but one of the reasons... Do you know why women don't generally try to fight this way and get the boundaries from the mother-in-law?
I do not.
Well, it's because they hope that they can transfer that obedience from the mother-in-law to themselves.
Oh, if he can be pushed around by his mother, that's really attractive to me, because then all I have to do is push him around myself!
Right?
Wow.
Yeah.
But it doesn't work out that way.
Because when she tries to push him around, she reminds him of his mother, and he's then in the paradigm of being pushed around by women, and he's got way more experience being pushed around by his mother than by his wife!
Right, so, I guess...
Yeah, between the two, he would side with his mother if both women are, I don't know, would it be fair to say, vying for the same role?
Well, if they're both bullying him and pushing him around, his mother's gonna win, which is why you have to draw the boundaries and not try and pick up the same sword, if that makes sense.
Okay.
So, and then what happens is, the marriage breaks down because the woman
Is acting like his mother.
Like if the wife acts like the mother, in other words, Oh, she's pushing you around.
Well, you're bad.
And that's, that's bad for me.
And that's disrespectful.
And you better not let her push you around.
In other words, if you stop pushing around the man like his mom did, the marriage is done.
Cause the man does not want to have sex with his mother.
Right?
Yeah, or at least one would hope.
Well, no, you can't take on anything to do with the parent of your partner.
Because it'll kill the romance.
Kill the sex drive, right?
Kill the lust.
Okay.
So then, he's like, okay, I've got these two women pushing me around.
I can't please either of them.
Because I can't please both of them.
And he resents his wife for pushing him around, because he's like, well at least I know how to handle my mother by appeasing.
If I let you, and my mom's gonna die, so that tyranny's gonna be over.
But if I let my wife push me around, right?
If I let my wife push me around, well, I'm never free.
Does that make sense?
Okay.
Wait, I'm not sure it does.
You're okay as catapause-y there.
Sorry, um... Did you space out a little there?
It's okay, it happened.
Yeah, no, no, no, I appreciate that.
I, if I can try to put it in my own words, is that he... If his wife, again,
Okay, so listen, his mother's a bully, and his wife's trying to bully him, right?
Now, he knows how to handle his mother.
He knows how to deal with that.
And she's gonna, she's further away, and she's gonna die.
Yes.
Does that make sense?
Yes.
Right?
Now, his wife, not only is she in the same house, sleeps in the same bed, but she's gonna be with him for the next 60 or 70 years.
So does he want to transfer being bullied from his mother, who's distant and going to die, to his wife, who's right in his grill and is going to be around for 60, 70 more years?
No, that's like that sentence of the will.
So he chooses the least amount of bullying, which is to appease his mother and resist his wife.
Does that make sense?
Okay.
Yes.
Yes.
Sorry.
Okay.
So.
Then what happens is his wife says, well, dammit, I'm going to get him to stand up to his mother.
And she begins applying more and more and more pressure.
But the more pressure she applies, the less he wants to comply.
Oh.
Because that means she'll maintain that level of pressure for the rest of his life.
Okay.
At least his mom's at a distance and it's going to die a lot earlier, right?
Yes.
So tell me if this sort of makes sense.
Yeah, sorry, I'm trying to take notes.
No, no, it's recorded.
Don't worry about taking notes.
It's recorded.
Trust yourself, right?
Okay.
Okay, so hang on.
Sorry, if you have questions or comments, I'm happy to hear it, but there's one more step.
Okay.
Sorry, if you do have questions or comments, I'm totally happy to hear it.
Oh, um, well, no, so just so far, it's the idea that, again, he's stuck in this dynamic where, as you've said, he is trying to resist his wife and appease his mother because he sees that as the most manageable... That's the least bully he can get.
Right, um, but... Because the moment he starts appeasing his wife, then he's trading a bully who's distant and is going to die early to a bully that's right in his face and is going to live with him forever.
Okay.
Yes, yes.
You have doubts, and I'm totally happy if you have doubts.
I mean, if there's something I'm not clear on... No, admittedly, I'm just, again, trying to fully understand that dynamic at play.
So, again, the idea is that if that appeasement transfers from him trying to appease his mother to him trying to appease his wife, then
Again, he's... He will, of course, lose interest in his wife because now he... Well, she's, yeah, she's acting like his mom.
Yes.
And she also is not acting as his ally because she's nagging and bullying him.
Right?
So his ally should have been his own father, who should have stepped in when his mother was over-involved and said, you know, with all due respect, my love, my darling, you need to back down a little here.
But if the mother doesn't have a close relationship with her husband, she clings on to the kids way too long.
Like the husband can't lure her back from over-involvement with the children.
Gotcha.
Like, you know, the old thing where, uh, it's the first time that the baby's home with the babysitter and the husband takes the wife out for dinner and he's got to say, listen, don't check your phone.
She's fine.
You know, let's just have a nice evening chat about something other than the kids, you know, lure her back to adulthood.
Right.
Cause you know, moms have to merge with the babies in order to have the baby survive.
And then it's the dad's job to woo the mother back to adulthood, which gives some room to the children.
Right.
Okay.
Okay, yes, yes.
Now the question is, where does the affair come from?
So the affair comes from a very powerful female mating strategy called being nice.
So if a woman wants a man,
And he's involved already, then what she can do is she can check his level of stress.
Right?
Now, a man who's being bullied by his mother and his wife and is a new father is under a huge amount of stress, right?
Right.
Right?
So, then he comes into work, right?
I don't know.
Do you have any idea where your dad met the woman he cheated with, your mama?
Where he met her, I actually don't know, but I do not believe they were actually coworkers.
Okay.
But somewhere, could be anywhere, right?
So, the women can measure the man's level of stress, and if the man is seriously stressed, then he's hungry for a soft touch, a kind touch, a nice touch, right?
Right.
And so again, he's looking for the ally who he does not have in his wife.
No, because you don't, you don't ask your, if you're sleeping with some woman outside of your marriage, you don't ask her to help you with your mom.
He's just looking for some comfort.
He's just like, he's stressed, right?
Every time he goes home, like every time he checks his messages, his wife and his mother are both yelling at him.
Okay.
So just some reprieve from the stress he's undergoing?
A woman who's, like, nice, who respects him, who is positive, who is helpful, who sympathizes.
Because what he's not getting from either woman is respect and affection.
And men, I mean, we can't live without that.
He's got two mommies.
Right?
So his sex drive is weird, and he's looking for affection, comfort, respect.
So a woman can almost smell the cortisol coming off a man, and she knows how to get him to be with her.
Just be nice.
Now she might fake being nice, I don't know, whatever, right?
Right?
But that's how
See, for a woman, a man who's a proven provider is of great value.
Which is why a lot of women find married men quite attractive.
You know, you've heard this old cliche that when you put on a wedding ring, the women get really interested in you, right?
Right, right.
So, this guy's already a proven provider, and evolutionarily speaking, if you can pry a proven provider away from his family and have him bond with you, then you don't have to roll the dice and see if he can provide, right?
If you'd married some guy who's 17 or whatever, right?
Evolutionarily speaking, you wouldn't know if he can provide or whatever, right?
Plus, you know his fetish style and all that.
Also, some women are quite turned on by taking a man away from another woman.
I mean, that means I'm superior to the other woman, right?
Right.
So then your father's out and about, he's stressed, he can't sleep, he's not got a sex life, he's lonely, he's isolated, tense, depressed, and then some woman is like a lilac-scented bed of roses.
And it's tough, right?
Now, you know, your father has free will, your father has moral responsibility, so I'm not saying your father is blameless, but when people tell me the story of their family, and in particular their parents, what I'm listening for is balance.
Right.
So if you say, well, my father slept around on my mother, but my mother was nagging and cold and probably they had no sex life.
That's balance, right?
Right.
That doesn't excuse either of them, but I don't like these, you know, overly simplistic morality tales.
And I'm not saying you are providing it.
I'm just saying in general, that's, I'm always suspicious of that kind of stuff.
You know, like the hero villain stuff.
Right, right.
No, fair enough.
What happened to your mother after the divorce?
She dated a few different men.
And, of course, with a few of them, one in particular, she tried to introduce us to him.
Again, I guess as a kid, sorry, I don't know if this is me going off track talking about my own experience in regard to what happened to her.
Would you prefer that I just talk about your experience in a call about your life?
Okay.
Yes, that's fine.
Okay.
Okay.
Thank you.
So yes, she married.
I dated around, uh, there were a few different men, um, that, that she dated, uh, one in particular, uh, she did, I guess, quote unquote, bring home.
Um, she didn't introduce, uh, my older brother and I to him and, um, gosh, uh, they, that new relationship and us spending time with him lasted for maybe, maybe six months, maybe a half year.
Um,
And ultimately, they fell apart.
I don't know the specifics of why they ended their own relationship, but I believe it was, actually, I think it was because my mother's boyfriend at the time, he
Oh my god, man, can you please tell me the story?
We have all these ums and errs and tangents!
Sorry, sorry.
I'm willing to a certain amount of patience for that, but I am 57 and I am mortal.
So, you will have to just try to get to the essence of it.
Okay.
I believe the relationship ended because her boyfriend refused to do things her way.
So... Oh, so she had a husband that she wanted to resist female authority, and he didn't.
And then she got a boyfriend who also wanted to resist female authority, and she dumped him for that too.
Yes.
Okay.
So she wanted a man who's obedient to female authority, but wasn't a mama's boy.
Right.
Come on.
Yeah.
I definitely want a dog that's highly fruitile, but he also has his balls cut off, too.
I'm afraid you're going to have to choose one of those, young lady.
Right, right.
Both is not an option.
Sorry, go ahead.
No, no, no.
Thank you for summarizing it so eloquently.
Yeah, it's... Yeah, and so since then, she has never remarried.
I think she's had one or two semi-long-term relationships, but neither of those has resulted in a second marriage.
What do you mean by semi-long?
Again, several months, maybe at most eight or nine months long.
Okay.
But yeah, nothing long-term.
Okay.
And when was her last long-term relationship?
That would have been...
Four years ago.
So she's had long, barren periods, right?
Like, no dating, really?
Uh, yes.
Yes.
Okay.
And how's your relationship with your parents individually at the moment?
Um, well, I guess as I had, um, said in my, my letter, um, my relationship with my mother, I still struggle to feel
I struggled to feel close to her.
Do you mean you struggled to feel close to her, right?
Yes, yes.
What would it mean to be close to her, how would you know?
To want to share my own thoughts
In feelings with her, in the hopes that she would be able to provide me with either assurance or advice.
Okay, let me ask you this.
Over the course of your life, and you know, you're pushing three decades, right?
Yeah.
Over the course of your life, what advice has your mother given to you that you still find valuable to this day?
Nothing comes to mind.
I'm sorry?
Nothing comes to mind.
Nothing comes to mind.
Okay.
So your mother has not parented you.
You are unparented.
Yes.
Like anybody on the planet could have given you food and shelter, right?
But the transfer of wisdom is the job of motherhood, right?
Does that make sense?
Right.
Uh, yes, yes.
So, your mother has not parented you.
Is that unfair?
No, I would say that's accurate.
Okay.
So she's not a mother.
She's like a birther and a caregiver.
Like a, you know, a prison could be.
What about your father?
I would say the same.
Nothing...
That he's really shared with me.
Actually, I would say that perhaps he's given... My mother has given me, like, no advice.
My father has given me poor advice.
Give me an example, if you can remember one.
I don't really remember exactly how he... Well, I believe at one point in my teens, he talked about how, you know, you need to...
You need to sleep around to see what kind of woman you want to be with, so just promiscuity.
He encouraged promiscuity.
Was that his path as well?
Well, it certainly manifested in his marriage with infidelity.
No, because his advice is sleep around so that you figure out what kind of woman you want to marry.
And then he married your mother, so either he didn't sleep around, or he did and chose the wrong woman.
Oh, that's actually a really good point.
I mean, was he speaking from experience, and what kind of experience was he speaking from?
I know it's a little tough to guess, but... No, no, thank you for catching that.
I would say, based on what I have heard from my stepmom, he...
He wasn't particularly promiscuous.
I believe he had only had maybe a few, like a handful of partners prior to meeting my mom.
And I believe those partners he had, they weren't, you know, difficult women to get.
Makes sense.
Um, so he just dated low rent, trashy women that were easy to sleep with.
Based on what I've heard.
Yes.
Okay.
All right.
So he gave you bad advice.
Uh, anything else that you remember that he gave you that was like, um, no, I think that that's, that's about it.
Just the, um, the promiscuity thing that, you know, he himself did not particularly
Lived by.
Okay.
So.
Uh, what was your relationship with your dad like as you were growing up, I guess, after the divorce?
Yeah.
Um, very also in the same way distance, uh, kind of, uh, in the same way that that story I had described about waiting for him to come home and when he came home, he.
Disappeared to go off and smoke weed and not spend time with us.
He is financially successful, and so he would be able to take us places, whether like the arcade or the zoo or whatever.
He would go off to the bar to drink most of the time.
Like, for example, at the arcade, we would go to those Dave & Buster places, and he would let us just run free through the arcade and fund the whole thing, but he would be in the bar either eating a meal or drinking.
So he was paying to keep us away from him.
Right, and that's tragic and sad and lonely, and you feel rejected, right?
Yeah.
Get some money kids, I'll be in the bar.
Yeah.
And, um, I know there would be times where we would go to the zoo and it would be a little harder to, a little harder to do that than at the arcade.
But, um, those, I, I loved the idea of walking and talking with him and I did enjoy it to an extent, but it never felt like
We were having the conversations that I felt we should be having.
So even when... What do you mean?
What conversations did you want to have?
Oh gosh, I mean... Like something with some useful instruction on how to live on the planet?
Yeah, yeah, that's pretty simple.
Yeah, so just advice.
Honestly, especially in the wake of the divorce,
Hearing a bit more about, like, his experience going through that.
Like, again, whether it be... I don't think he would have ever felt comfortable divulging, you know, the details of what led them up the straight, even though... Sorry, but why wouldn't he... I mean, that's the most foundational aspect of your entire existence.
Why wouldn't he talk about what happened in the breakup?
I mean, he chose to break up, not you!
Doesn't he owe you the truth about what the hell happened?
I agree.
I think the justification for not doing so was that he did not want to speak ill of my mother.
And kind of on the other side, my mother would also not talk about the details of their divorce.
And the same justification was given that like, you know, we don't want to insult the other person.
I'm trying to sort of figure this out.
I mean, you would absolutely know that they had huge problems with each other because they got divorced, right?
Right.
Right.
So the idea that we don't want to speak ill of each other when they got divorced because they kind of hated each other is ridiculous.
Yes.
I would say I never bought it.
It just felt like a
A block.
No, it's just because they don't want to fight.
Right.
So, well, there's two reasons.
One is that so you can give the reasons for a divorce without trashing the other person.
Right.
Sure.
Right.
I mean, so, and you do that by taking your own responsibility.
Right.
So your mother could have said, well, you know, one of the main reasons we got divorced was I kept nagging him about his mom.
Right.
And that wasn't, you know, in hindsight, that wasn't helpful.
Like that was, that was a bad decision on my part.
Right.
That would be helpful to hear.
Right.
Yes.
Right.
And, and your, your dad could have said, well, you know, uh, um, I ended up, uh, uh, not, I couldn't deal with the problems in my marriage.
So I ended up seeking comfort elsewhere, which was a really bad idea.
I don't know.
Without trash-talking the other person, just by taking maximum responsibility for yourself.
So, for me, like, I had relationships that didn't work out in my 20s, and whose fault was it?
It was mine.
I don't think I've ever spoken negatively about an ex.
I mean, I've said, you know, there's some problems here and there, but fundamentally, who chose those people?
I did.
Right.
Right?
That's my choice.
I can't, you can't blame someone you chose.
Right?
That's like, uh, staying, getting in, getting and keeping a job and then just bitching about the job.
It's like, well, you went for the job, you got to interview, you stay, you could leave anytime.
And right.
What are you talking about?
But you need to tell your kids why you got divorced because the price of them not knowing is huge.
Right.
That's why you're not married.
How the hell are you supposed to get married when it can blow up in your face and you have no idea what happened?
Right.
You know, if some car your dad was driving exploded and melted half his face off, right?
And he said, no, man, I did everything right.
I don't know.
Cars just explode.
Do you want to drive?
No.
Whereas if he'd said, well, I didn't maintain it and then I strapped a big vat of gasoline next to it and I was smoking and I flicked the ad, like, then there's some causality.
Okay, but if I don't do that shit, I can drive.
Right.
Right.
Every single divorced parent absolutely owes it to their children to say how things got so screwed up.
So their children can say, okay, so if I don't do that,
Should be okay, as opposed to cars that just explode randomly.
Right?
That cripples children.
Does that make sense?
Right.
I guess so.
So this whole thing, well, we don't want to speak ill, blah blah blah, it's like, don't give me this maturity bullshit, because if you had the maturity bullshit, you wouldn't have got divorced!
Right.
No, you just, you don't want to provoke the other person into bitching at you.
My mom said, well, well, well, you told the kids this and like, it's just about not fighting.
Like, don't give me this maturity stuff.
Oh, now we're just so mature.
It's like, well, then shouldn't you have had successful relationships since, and how did they get that mature?
So it's, it's just a way of avoiding conflict with your ex while crippling your children's ability to pair bond.
Sorry to be so blunt, but.
No, no, I, thank you.
And I guess.
You know, perhaps to get down to it, that is why I did want to call is because I feel... The whole thing has been about you dating for me.
Right, right.
I mean, that's the major thing, isn't it?
Yes.
And I do feel that making those same mistakes is...
You don't even know what mistakes your parents made!
I'm not saying you should, you can't, until they tell you.
Maybe we have a theoretical framework that works, but how can you avoid the mistakes if you don't even know what they are?
And they haven't told you.
Am I wrong?
No, no.
If you sail off into life with the commandment, don't do the unknown X, don't do the unknown X, or complete disaster will result.
What the hell is that supposed to do, other than completely paralyze you?
Right.
You know, marriages with kids, they can just blow up, man!
Just bad shit.
Like there's no causality.
Just out of nowhere.
You know, this is the female like, well, he just changed.
There was no way to know this.
Of course there was.
Come on.
Because if you say, like, if you rescue your ego as a woman, you marry the wrong guy and you rescue your ego by saying, well, he was a great guy.
He just mysteriously changed five years into the marriage.
You've absolutely killed your children's ability to pair bond.
Because, because, you know, people can just fucking change.
How are you supposed to trust anyone?
So, to rescue your ego, to rescue your vanity, you cripple your children.
That's so selfish, I can't even tell you.
Parents who've divorced, I'm saying this to everyone, right?
Parents who've divorced, you get together, you sit down and you work through everything that went wrong with your kids so they have some way to navigate things and learn from your mistakes.
Otherwise, they're frightened of everything and everyone.
I mean, if you have to cross a field where there are landmines, you don't want to do it, right?
But at least if you have something which says, okay, the landmines are here and here, don't walk there and you're fine, then you can walk across the field, right?
Right.
But the central disaster of your life was your parents getting divorced, for which you have no causality.
Two good people with the best of intentions.
Things blew up.
Went south.
Went weird.
There was no way to know ahead of time.
I mean, that's just Russian roulette, man.
Well, I don't want to play that game!
That's a terrible game!
I mean, get divorced.
I think it's shitty.
Okay, get divorced.
But you better.
You better unpack everything that went wrong.
You better take 100% self-ownership.
That way your kids can escape your fate.
If you just fudge and, oh, well, you don't want to talk about it, right, then you're just, you're crippling your kids, aren't you?
How could you trust people?
If your parents loved each other, got married, it all blew up, things went south, no causality, no way to prevent it, no reason why, nothing.
I mean, it's terrifying.
It's terrifying, absolutely.
Absolutely.
Now, do you know how I know all of this?
It's magic!
Because you're self-critical.
Now, when a child is overly self-critical, it means one thing and one thing overly.
I'm not calling you a child, I'm just saying these habits were developed as a child.
When a child is self-critical, it's for one reason, one reason only, and that's the parents aren't taking responsibility.
And your parents don't, as far as I can see.
Has your mother ever said, listen, the divorce was terrible.
I don't want you to be frightened of marriage.
I've gone to therapy.
I've really thought about it.
And I figured out here's what happened that went wrong.
And I need you to learn from that.
So you don't end up too scared of marriage.
It's not random.
It's not just random landmines that you can step on anywhere.
I've gone through and figured it all out because I wanted you right by my kids.
Cause I love my kids.
Right?
No, that's never happened.
And it won't.
Have your parents sat down with you, either individually, do they do anything together or it's all separate now?
There is this kind of perverse situation that's, sorry, again, I'm using vague language, but this kind of perverse
New dynamic has come about after my dad, or now that my dad is in the process of divorcing his second wife, my mom is now in the quote, good graces of my dad's family.
And so much so that she actually went and spent, um, it was, it was a holiday, uh, with my dad and his, his family, um, maybe a year ago.
No, no, so this was after his mom had died.
Okay, got it.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, so your parents have been together, right?
They spent time together.
Yes, I think that was... Sorry, how long ago was that?
About a year ago, I'd say.
Okay, so your parents have been together and they absolutely know that you're pushing 30 and you don't date, right?
Right.
What have they done about that?
Have they sat you down and said, hey son, like what's going on?
Like, unpack it for me, because obviously this has something to do with us, right?
I'm not saying it all, right, but it must have something to do with us.
We don't want you to be unhappy.
We want you to learn from our mistakes.
We want you to become a father.
We want you to date.
So, what's going on?
Yeah, that has not happened.
And it won't happen.
Why doesn't it happen?
I mean, that would be the kind thing to do, right?
That would be the parental thing to do.
Right.
Why hasn't it happened?
I don't know if this is the reason, but again, it's just about protecting their own egos from their own failed marriage.
Is that a part of it?
Okay.
I mean, that's a standard answer, and I'm obviously not going to disagree with you, but I think it's woefully incomplete, and I'm sorry for that.
It sounds really jerky to say, and maybe it is.
No, no, no.
But no, it's because they don't really care.
Because they don't, like, if your son is pushing 30 and has not been on a date that you know of, is that too far to say?
I mean, as far as you're prepared, I mean, they wouldn't know really about the one-night stand, I assume, so... So, I have had two... I'll say they've maxed out maybe three months long, two separate three-month-long relationships over the past
Three years.
Um, sorry.
Um, okay.
So, so that's the past three years, but basically it's been in the sort of decade and a half that you should have been dating, right?
So you should start dating, so I don't know, 16 years old or whatever, right?
So 13 years or whatever, right?
So over 13 years, you've had two short relationships and they've clustered over the last three years.
Is that right?
Uh, yes.
Okay.
Uh, can you tell me the story of those relationships?
I'm sorry, just am I doing okay?
I obviously want to double check because I'm being fairly blunt here, but you seem like a staunch fellow.
So is the conversational style, is it working for you?
Is it too difficult, too easy?
No, no, no.
I appreciate it.
I'm sorry about that earlier.
No, that's fine.
I'm just checking in with you.
Okay.
So if you can tell me the story of these relationships, let's start with the first one.
Where did you meet and how did it go?
We met at work.
We were co-workers.
We were working in the same department, and I had approached her.
I was attracted to her, and I had introduced myself, tried to show interest in what it was that she was doing,
I do my best to spend some time talking with her.
I'd say after a few conversations like that, I did ask her out.
And what was it that you found attractive about her?
In all honesty, it was...
Yeah, we can do an all honesty.
I always find it kind of weird when people say that.
It's like, well, I've mostly been bullshitting so far, but if you really cornered me, I will be honest now.
I mean, it's been a 45 minute combo, but hey, sorry, go ahead.
All right.
No, no.
Yes.
So it was her looks and I don't know if this counts, but the fact that I know, I felt insecure about not, not dating.
So I felt I was attracted to her, which is why I had approached her and asked to go out on a date with her, and because I knew that I should be dating.
Now, sorry, when you say her looks, I mean, is it just the looks, or was there, you know, and she's got a great smile, or was there a certain sort of aura or air of positivity about her, or enthusiasm, or thoughtfulness, or humor, or like, was it just looks?
Or were there other things that, you know, the sort of joie de vivre or something like that, that some women can have that kind of sparkle?
Yeah, no, no.
Yes, I would say she was a positive person.
Again, she would laugh at the jokes I tried to tell.
So, I mean, that, you know, felt nice.
So, yeah, she was a positive person who was
Again, a good listener.
She, again, was able to, was willing to give me the time of day, I guess.
So I was just looking for a positive person who had a pretty face, I'd say is.
And similar age?
Um, she was, I was in my mid twenties.
She was in her early twenties.
Okay.
Got it.
Yeah.
So.
Okay.
So you, you ask her out and you go out and things go well.
Yeah, I would say so.
We went out to dinner.
We got dinner.
We got to talking.
I was talking about what I was looking for in a relationship.
On the first date?
Yes, yes.
Okay, I'm not complaining, I'm just, it's a bit surprising, but go ahead.
Right, and so, you know, I had just told her, from what I can remember, that, you know, I was dating, I was looking for something long-term, and I don't recall if I had talked about my lack of experience in dating.
I think I did my best to avoid
Uh, talking about that, but, um, I, I did my best to be as forthright about what I. No, no, you open it up by saying, Hey man, my daddy told me to sleep with easy hose.
So I thought I'd ask you out to just go ahead.
Yeah, no, um, take dating advice for me, life advice, maybe, but not dating.
Sorry.
Go ahead.
Sure.
Sure.
No, no.
Um, but, uh, yeah, that was the bulk of our first date.
Again, we went to, um, which when it got dinner, um,
We drove around for a bit afterwards, just continued to talk, and our date ended, and then we went out two or three more times after that.
There was something strange.
Gosh, I'm trying to remember exactly how it happened, but after our first date, she and I had talked after work one time in person.
We were walking out of the building together, and
Gosh.
What she had said... I... For God's sakes, man!
Mortality!
Mortality!
What happened?
I'm sorry, so... She had told me that she wanted to take things slow in such a way that I thought
She didn't want to continue dating.
The impression I got from what she had told me was that she wanted to, as nicely as she could, she was saying, I don't want to go out with you anymore.
But sorry, so on the first date she said she wants to take it slow?
Well, um, no, on the, sorry, this was maybe a week after that first date.
Um, we had been talking a bit at work, but this conversation where she had talked about wanting to take things slow, uh, happened about a week after that first date.
And do you know why women say they want to take it slow?
Um, because they don't want to be, uh, used.
Well, okay.
No, it's because they have been used.
So, there was a, I would have guessed, right, that there was a relationship that the woman was in, which started with sex, and blew up in her face.
Right, so, you know, once bitten twice shy, she now says, I want to take it slow, because the last time I jumped into bed with some guy, it got really bad.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay, so you continue to date, and then what?
Um, yeah, so we went on a few more dates, and then after... And no sexual activity, maybe a kiss at the end of the night, or...?
Yeah, there was some, you know, making out, but nothing... Okay, so you're taking it relatively slow, okay.
Yeah, yeah, um, but, um, it was, after a few more dates, there was one day where I had
I, so this, this, the thing is that I got it in my head.
I decided that because I think it came mostly from fear of actually legitimately investing in the relationship and being honest.
Um, I wanted to, I didn't want to continue the relationship because of that, because we had begun talking, we were talking a bit more about like, you know, well again, kind of at
Like we had talked about in the first day, you know, what we wanted out of a relationship.
And I didn't feel comfortable continuing the relationship because of, I think, a fear of rejection.
If I continued to show her who I was.
Sorry, I don't understand.
You were asking her out, you were making out, she wanted to go on more dates, and then you're afraid of rejection, but she's not rejecting you.
I'm sorry if I missed something, but... No, no, thank you.
I think it was that I... Yes, so that was the case.
However, I was afraid.
Up to that point, I had been
I had told her some of my thoughts and feelings, but I wasn't sharing my issues with her yet.
Sorry, what were your issues?
Well, I guess that I was inexperienced in relationships.
But things were going alright, right?
Right, right.
So why does it matter?
Why would you bring up your past if things are going alright?
I think because I felt that I owed it to her to talk about my baggage.
Why?
But the baggage wasn't interfering, right?
Right.
So, I mean, and sorry, you're talking like the third or fourth date?
You gotta tell her about your baggage?
Yes.
Why?
Well, the reason I felt was because I felt that I wasn't being honest if I was not divulging all the skeletons in my closet.
Okay, what are these skeletons in your closet?
That you hadn't dated much?
Who cares?
So, what are the skeletons in your closet?
I mean, unless you actually have skeletons in your closet, in which case that's a different matter.
A collection of women's driver's licenses in your drawer or something, right?
Trophies, right?
So what's the baggage?
The baggage, I would say primarily is that I do have a pornography addiction, which... Well, you're a guy who's had no sex life, really, who's in his late 20s.
I don't think anyone would be overly shocked if you saw a few nudes online.
Right.
And what do you classify as an addiction?
What do you mean?
It used to be once a day, now it's a few times a week.
Okay, so why would you want to share that with a woman when you're just starting to date?
I mean, isn't the goal that you get a woman and then you start watching porn?
No, no, I think it was... I didn't want... I mean, she would replace that addiction, wouldn't she?
Yes, yeah.
Okay, so why are you talking about it?
Because I felt that if she were to find out about that, whether it was something that I was still struggling with or had struggled with— How the hell is she gonna find out about it?
I don't—is she gonna—what are you talking about?
Is she gonna check your browser history?
Like, what do you mean?
I think it was just to ease my own conscience.
I was looking— I get that, but what's the conscience about?
I think it was because I didn't want to.
I wanted to be flawed and yet still be loved for it.
And so I want to date.
How the hell is she supposed to love you yet?
Like you're giving her your flaws.
Before there's pair bonding, before your virtue, right?
Right.
The hell are you doing?
I don't know.
I don't know either.
I'm curious.
I don't know.
No, I think it just came from my lack of experience.
I didn't know how to
Connect with somebody else, certainly in a romantic relationship.
You were having a good couple of dates, right?
Yeah.
And was she giving you all of her flaws?
No.
Ah, isn't that interesting?
Hey, quick question.
Have you ever had a job interview?
Yes.
Okay.
Um, during the job interview, do you tell them all the shitty things you ever might've done at work?
All the times you were late, all the times you screwed up, all the times you messed up, all the times you didn't communicate, all the times you didn't return emails?
I mean, do you go through all of that in your job interview?
No, sir.
Why not?
They're real flaws.
What are you, are you lying to people now?
Because I want the job.
Ah, interesting.
So you shut the hell up and put your best foot forward.
Right?
Yes.
So this is not a mystery?
Dating is just a job interview with some swapped spit.
So what are you doing?
What are you doing?
Hey, I know it's our third date, but here's the picture of the deep shit I took in the bowl this morning.
Isn't that cool?
I mean, I just want to be honest.
You know, I don't really clean my toilet.
What I do is I pee away the little poo stains with my magic urine.
I'm going to show you.
It's efficient.
It might be true, but shut up!
I mean, does she pull out a tampon and say, look at that, real heavy flow this morning, holy crap!
I mean, it's real, it's honest, but shut up!
The guy says... I broke my hymen riding a bicycle, I have a picture of it!
What?
Shut up!
It's okay to have a bit of mystery.
You know, it's like, what's that movie, American Pie?
Oh.
I heard that pussy was like, apple pie, so I tried banging a pie.
Here's some pictures.
It's like, shut up!
What are you doing?
I don't know.
It's I mean, yes, I had no experience.
I've got skid marks in my underwear.
Let me show you.
Again, for what it's worth, I think it's because I had no experience or I had no experience, very little experience, but.
No, that's come on.
This is just self-sabotage.
Yeah, no, sorry.
Let's be honest about it.
Okay, so she wasn't telling you about her warts and flaws, right?
And she hasn't, right?
So do you, so do I, so everyone.
Okay.
So... You feel this odd compulsion to show the most negative aspects of you very early on in the dating relationship, right?
Yes.
Okay.
So the question is, why?
It's to do with your parents' marriage, right?
Well, my parents found out negative things about each other later on, and they got divorced.
So I might as well get that band-aid off right away.
Yeah.
Right?
No, no, no.
Um, I didn't say that.
I don't want to wait.
I don't want to wait until we're married and have kids for you to find out about the most negative aspects of me.
Cause my parents tried that and it screwed the whole family up.
So I'm just going to show you my glistening, sweaty, stained armpits right at the beginning.
And if you can handle that, maybe I can trust you.
Now, did you slowly back away and pull out a taser, or how did this go?
Well, so, sorry, I might be telling this in a confused way, but it was because I was afraid of getting to that point where I would be incapable of hiding my flaws.
That's why I
I did not feel...
Secure enough to admit to something like that.
For example, pornography addiction.
Because I was afraid that admitting to a flaw like that would taint and ruin the relationship.
Okay.
So what, what, what flaws were you about to spill that you broke up with her instead?
The.
The pornography addiction.
No, you weren't going to talk about that yet.
So what else?
So when it comes to anger, I would say when tested, I still do have a temper.
Sorry, why is that bad?
What's wrong with having a temper?
Maybe I'm missing something.
Well, just in the past, and this has been with my older brother, for example, but I've gotten angry and said very cruel things before.
Now, does it happen that you just get angry and start spouting cruel things, or are there other interactions that cause the escalation?
Other interactions?
Yeah, I guess I don't spontaneously... Okay, so you don't just get angry and then start screaming curse words at everyone.
You get angry, people resist, they undermine, they gaslight, and you escalate, right?
So the whole process of... right?
Like a storm doesn't just appear, right?
The clouds get darker and then, like, it's a whole process, right?
Right.
It doesn't just go blink from sunny to storm, right?
Right, right.
So, I would imagine there's a process by which, so anger has to push through to get the answer, right?
And if people resist like crazy, most men will escalate.
With the hopes of getting across or getting through, right?
So, for instance, if you and I, like, we're best friends and we're working together on a house, right?
Right.
And I'm on my way
I've got headphones on, right?
I'm on my way to the truck to get some tools, and you see there's a bear, right?
Like a big-ass bear.
Not the kind of bear that feminists want to hang with, but like a dangerous bear, right?
Sure.
Right?
And you yell at me, Steph, there's a bear, but I don't hear you, because I got my headphones on.
So what do you do?
Well, I would do anything I could to get you away from there.
You would escalate until I was safe, right?
Yeah.
So you'd scream at the top of your lungs.
If I still didn't hear you, you'd pick up something and you'd throw it near me.
If I still didn't hear you, you'd pick up something and throw it at me, right?
And then if I still didn't hear you, you'd climb down, you'd grab an axe or something or some weapon and then you would come and try and get me into the car and like, you know what I mean, like lock the door so I'd be safe, right?
Because we're best buds, right?
Yes.
So I think this is actually, thank you for
Because what you're saying is, well I just have this bad habit of, I scream at people, I throw shit at people, and then I wrestle them into the cars without mentioning anything about the bear and the not listening stuff.
Right.
I must admit, and I think this is part of the problem too for me, is that, gosh, I mean of course that's an extreme example, but I don't know
If, in order to, again, in a situation like that, like, help save someone by, again, like, escalating to let them know the danger they're in, I often... If it means... I avoid escalating, even if it means the other person is in danger.
So, like, I would be doing the selfish thing there.
Well, no, no!
If the other person...
Keeps insulting you for listening, right?
Oh, sorry.
Keeps insulting you for warning them or puts you down.
At some point you're like, okay, well, you'll learn.
Right?
I'm not going to escalate and scream at you.
You're just going to have to learn that I'm right and then I'll have credibility that way.
Right?
Right.
So if your friend, you know, when you were a teenager, right?
You got a bike and everybody who has a bike builds a little jump, right?
And if you say to your friend, your jump is not stable, it's not sturdy, right?
And your friend says, don't be such a goddamn pussy.
Like, don't be such a chicken, don't be this, and he just insults you, right?
Like, he might say, look, it's wobbly here, and he's like, I got this, I can't believe you're being such a pussy about, like, he just, at some point, don't you just let him ride over the thing?
Yes.
I mean, you're not going to throw yourself in front of him, get hit by the bike, right?
Cause he's just going to have to learn, right?
I know it's not stable.
I've told you it's not stable.
You keep insulting me.
So, okay, go ahead.
I mean, I remember a friend of mine had these really tight jeans on once, way too tight, right?
Like spray on jeans.
And his girlfriend, he's like, they're not too tight.
And his girlfriend pulled his wallet out of his back pocket, threw it on the ground and said, okay, pick it up.
Okay.
And, you know, he did, but then he almost passed out, you know?
You have to learn, right?
Right, right.
Okay, so what happened, you broke up with her after like three or four dates?
Yes, yes.
Okay, and that's because you have a theory about your parents' marriage, and your theory about your parents' marriage, and if I'm wrong, I'm wrong, but I believe your theory about your parents' marriage is that they didn't find out about the negative things until later, right?
And I assume that that's because both your parents, or one of your parents, has said to you,
I found out X, Y, or Z about someone.
Turned out he wasn't trustworthy.
Turns out she was mean.
Turns out blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Like your mom has to have some explanation as to why the guy she introduced you to, why they broke up after six months, right?
Right.
So what does your mom say about why her relationships don't work out?
It has to be something like he turned out to be.
Yes.
I would say that, and then I know when I have confronted her in the past on, you know, her contributions to the failure of the marriage, she will default to the, I did the best I could.
Right, so she must say, it turned out, like, obviously she would say about your father, turned out he was a cheater.
Right.
Right.
I mean, she didn't, or, or she would say, you know, he was just, he just was a real mama's boy.
Like she didn't know that ahead of time.
So most, like 99% of people, when they break up, they say some version of what it turned out that right.
I found out that, or I discovered that or whatever.
Right.
That there was no way of knowing ahead of time, but some floor showed up.
And you found this floor and you broke up, right?
So you're like, well, I can't fucking pair a barn because I have floors.
And she's going to find out about these floors and then she's going to break up with me.
And then she's going to say, she's not just going to be mad at the floor.
She's going to say, well, why did you hide this stuff from me?
Why didn't you?
And she's going to blame you for that, right?
Yes.
So you're like, well, the only way I can trust someone is to show my floors up front, right?
Right.
But it doesn't work.
I was like, of course it doesn't work.
It's like, imagine that a comedian has an hour long routine with 15 minutes worth of jokes that are terrible.
And he's like, you know what?
I'm going to get these terrible jokes out of the way right up front.
15 minutes of terrible jokes.
Maybe it's a two hour routine.
There's 15 minutes of jokes that aren't funny, that are bad, right?
Now, if you sprinkle the bad jokes in among all the great jokes, people can handle it, right?
In fact, it can even be kind of funny, like, oh, I guess it's too soon for that, or I guess the audience didn't like that one, or whatever it is, right?
Right.
But imagine he takes, if it's a two-hour act, he takes the 50 minutes of bad jokes and puts them all up front, saying, well, I've got to get these out of the way.
He's got no audience.
Right.
You see what I mean?
Uh, yes, yes.
And I guess maybe just to
I know that it's, it's the same strategy.
I, again, having not heard any explicit dating advice from my father, it's kind of scary to me because he, I found out later that he employed the same tactic, uh, when he, on the first date with my step-mom, with his second wife, he trauma dumped and she still went with him.
Right.
Well, that's also guaranteeing the end of the relationship.
Like how long were they together for?
Oh gosh.
Um, 16 years.
Right.
Okay.
So he trauma dumped and said all of the bad negative things and she's like, I'm in.
Well, that's just, you know, that's just finding somebody who's insecure and right.
Okay, so you consider this a relationship which was three or four dates and then you stopped dating her?
I guess.
Because you said you had a couple of, two relationships, right?
This is not a relationship.
This was a couple of dates.
That's, no.
It's like saying you had a career or a job when you just went to two or three job interviews.
Right.
Okay, so what about the second one?
Um, I mean, it, it ended quickly too.
So I guess it wasn't much of a relationship.
I know three months.
Sorry.
Didn't you say three months?
Yeah.
Yeah.
But not again, I guess that's still not the longest time.
I mean, I think we went out maybe a total of six or seven times, so a little bit longer, but, um, again, I,
Was a little more, I was, I guess, forthright in the same way of like, oh, you know, this is like ultimately what I'm hoping to get out of a relationship.
But I was, I did talk a bit more about, you know, my experience with my family growing up with her.
So I did share a bit more of that.
Difficult information with her.
And what is the difficult, because we didn't really talk about your childhood much, but we talked about the divorce.
And what is the difficult information that you're sharing with her?
Well, again, just that I've never felt close at all to my mother or my father.
I actually, I must admit, I did neglect to bring up those anger issues that I had talked about.
Avoiding talking about the first relationship.
Sorry, I still didn't get around to that.
But sorry, I don't know if you have anger issues if you're around reasonable people.
I don't know that.
If you're around people who don't listen, who counterattack, who escalate, who gaslight, who insult, right?
Right, then things are going to get kind of crazy.
I mean, they can.
Right?
So, I don't know if you have anger issues if you're around healthy people who listen to your cautionary tales.
Who listen to what you're upset about and work to try and address it.
Right.
You might not have anger issues, you might just have asshole issues.
I mean, people, you get angry with people and they don't listen, they counterattack, they gaslight, they minimize, they insult, well, things are gonna probably escalate, right?
I don't know if it's anger issues or just having bad people around you.
That's what I mean about the self-criticism stuff, right?
Right, right.
I think that's perhaps true to an extent, I just don't want
If that's true, I don't want that to give me license to be a jerk.
Okay, so if the goal is that there's no license to be a jerk, then you can't be around jerks.
Because that's the license.
You just can't be a jerk.
Okay, so then if people are around you who are jerks, then you have to stop seeing them, right?
Because if that's a rule for you, that's a rule for everyone, right?
Remember, I'm the universal moral guy, right?
Shoot, you're right.
So if you're like, damn, I can't be a jerk!
Okay, so not being a jerk is really important, so then you can't be around jerks, right?
Or is it just a rule for you and everyone else can do whatever the hell they want?
I would say I definitely tend in that direction, but that's certainly self-abusive.
It is.
So what happened with the second six or seven dates, then what happened?
I, uh, again, broke it off because, um, I was afraid.
Well, the end of the other thing too, was that, um, she, uh, is, uh, serving, uh, in the armed forces.
And so after, um, she was going to be stationed in a different state and, uh, she was interested in continuing the relationship.
Sorry.
Um, this was.
It was maybe, sorry, the relationship itself, or when that came about.
The fact that she would have to move.
Okay, just three months, man.
Just give me a ballpark.
How long ago was this?
Oh, this was two months ago?
Two months ago.
How long have you been listening to what I do?
A while.
Several years.
How many years?
Don't fog me, bro.
Okay, I must admit, it's sticking in my mind.
The first video I ever watched of yours was that Truth About Frozen video, that movie.
Yeah, yeah.
2015, I think.
Yeah, 2015.
Okay.
So... Nine years.
Nine years, yeah.
And... You know I'm not a status, right?
Right.
And are you a statist?
No.
Okay, so you think it's wise to date a state enforcer?
Am I missing something?
I think I'm missing something.
Well, I don't know.
I mean, am I wrong?
No, no, no, you're right.
I'm just saying, like, I'm obviously not catching on sufficiently.
I, uh, you know, the initiation of the use of force is immoral, so I'm going to date someone who puts on a costume so she can initiate the use of force when told to.
Yeah.
She's not going to share super maximum value compatibility, right?
Right.
Okay, so how did that end?
She moved away?
No, she has yet to move away, but we did end the relationship.
Because she was going to move away?
I would say I... Yes, I mean, I would say I used that as an out, because I didn't feel comfortable moving away with her, so yes.
Oh, you didn't want to move away with her after you'd been dating six or seven times?
Okay.
All right.
And so she's going to move away and you're like, well, there's not much point.
Right.
And how did you meet her?
Um, on a dating app.
Right.
Like Anarchist Match Soldiers.
Is that, is that the app?
Just kidding.
Sorry.
It sounds a little bitter.
It probably is.
All right.
Okay.
So that just ended for reasons of practical consequences and her moving away.
Right.
Right.
Okay.
And since, well, I guess that's only a couple of months ago, right?
Yeah.
Right.
Okay.
And you didn't engage in any sexual activity with the soldier?
No, no.
And that was the thing, is the one-night stand came up between that first relationship, if it can so be called, and this most recent one.
Got it.
So, yeah, two sexless relationships, and then the one-night stand in between them.
And how did the non-one-night stand come about?
A coworker had pulled me aside at work and talked about how she was interested in me, and I agreed to go out with her.
We went out to a quick dinner, we went to a bar, and then we went back to my place.
Okay, and then what?
I mean, obviously you had sex, but what happened after that, like the next day, week, whatever?
Yes, so she reached back out and was talking about wanting to continue to see me, and I did not want to.
Although I will say that I did meet up with her one more time afterwards.
We did do like a short walk and talk, just because I didn't want to outright ghost her.
And why didn't you want to continue?
Because I don't think that a relationship where you sleep with someone on the first date is sustainable.
But, I mean, was there something about her personality or her personhood that you found off-putting in that way?
Like, in the way to not date?
Yes, actually.
So, the thing was that we
When we were driving from the restaurant to the bar, I was driving, the two of us, and she got a phone call from, I think it was her mother, and she answered the phone and the way she, it was night and day, the way she was talking to me and then the way she was talking to her mother was like phone chilling.
Just like very
She talked to her mother in a very stern, emotionless way, and it was very unsettling.
But you're not close to your mother.
That's true.
I mean, if she'd heard you talking to your mother, what would she have thought?
I would think very much the same thing.
I think what I do is... Okay, sorry, go ahead.
I was just going to say that when I talk with my mother, I still talk with her in a positive way.
I try to shy away from
After the initial conversation I had had with her a few years ago, where I had admitted that, like, I don't feel love for you, I've tried to shy away from it because the conversation I had with my mother then was very uncomfortable.
So you lie now?
Yes.
So she should have lied.
Like, if she'd lied, you'd have felt better.
If she'd have falsified her feelings for her mother like you do, that would have been a major plus.
Yes.
Did this seem wise to you?
To demand that women be lying, false, manipulative witches in order to trust them?
No, no, sorry.
I mean that I would have preferred to know how she felt about her parents without seeing
How she treated them.
Would you ask her about her parents?
I mean, it was a drive, right?
So you hadn't made the decision too bad.
Yeah, I did.
Her parents, her father especially, was pretty domineering.
I think he was religious, but did not participate in any church.
So it was very much a, you know, he tries to run his family one way,
Because the Bible says so kind of thing.
And well, I guess she showed him.
Yeah.
Yeah, but.
That's.
From what I've heard, yes, her her family dynamic was.
Her parents were constantly, you know, getting involved, judging her, all of this, and so she.
Would do what she could to get away from them, or disobey them, and... Yeah.
So, sorry, I don't remember if you'd mentioned this before, about your conversation with your mother, where you told her you didn't love her?
No, no, um... Kind of just dropped that one in, like... Yes.
So, that happened... Yeah, again, a few years ago.
The conversation, it started because...
This is something that my mother has done for a while.
I won't feel comfortable enough or confident enough to obviously be honest with her about how I'm feeling about her and our relationship.
You can't be honest with her.
I feel incredibly uncomfortable being honest with her, to the point that I avoid being honest with her.
Okay, so how do you know that's your discomfort?
I mean, wouldn't that be her discomfort?
I mean, what you're saying is you're uncomfortable with yourself.
You're uncomfortable.
Like you can say, I want to be honest with her, but she's going to be too uncomfortable with it.
Then at least you're not saying, well, my own honesty is uncomfortable to me.
My own authentic experience is appalling to me.
Oh, sorry.
I understand.
Um, yeah, no, she, I could not be honest with her because if I were honest with her, it would, it would set her off emotionally.
It would sever off emotionally?
What does that mean?
Uh, just a lot of, a lot of tears, uh, that I do not want to, um, I don't want to subject her to that.
Oh, you are, you are, you are well trained, my friend.
You've been well trained.
So you, you go to your mother and you say, there's been deficiencies in this relationship and I haven't really been parented and
You've not demonstrated to me an adult healthy relationship with a loving partner and I'm pushing 30 and you don't seem to give a shit that I'm single.
So this is, this is bad.
Right?
And then, then she'd cry.
Like you're upset about something.
You're about stuff.
You're, you're upset about legitimate deficiencies.
She has a parent.
She has as a parent.
And then she's like, Oh, but I will.
And you're like, Oh no, this is terrible.
Oh no.
Mommy's upset.
So she's training you to be a liar.
That if you tell the truth, mommy's going to cry.
It's just manipulative, right?
Yes.
Don't be honest though.
Mommy will be sad.
Yes.
And the, something that struck me was that when, as you can imagine, it was a long conversation, um, I'd say maybe like two hours.
Um, and towards the end of it, I was confronting her.
Directly about things that she had done.
Oftentimes it would just be that she was like emotionally.
I think I said emotionally neglectful because I did not feel as though I could trust her.
So I felt like I had no bond with her and after saying, after telling her that she, she did this very, and I. Okay.
Get to the point.
Sorry.
What did she do when you told her?
When you were honest, what did she do?
Yes, she pulled back.
What I said was that I was upset with her.
I said I was angry with her for, again, her lack of parenting.
Yeah, I got that.
So you were honest with her about her deficiencies, and what did she do?
Yes.
So when I said that, especially the anger part, she pulled back.
She kind of put on these histrionics.
And she raised her voice and said that, Oh, I can like see the anger in your eyes.
And like, I'm scared.
And like this, this very manipulative.
And I felt it that it's very manipulative defense mechanism as them to try to undermine my criticism of her parenting.
Yeah.
Okay.
So then what?
And I.
I didn't, I did my best to try to, I moved past it, but seeing that.
What do you mean you moved past it?
What do you mean?
You got hysterical and you say, okay, well, you're having a tantrum.
I'll wait till you calm down and we'll continue the conversation.
I, I, I didn't take that moment to stop the conversation so that it could be continued later.
Instead what I did was I changed the subject to something, not outright, like we were still talking about the issues I was having, but I shifted focus in such a way that I was less critical.
You rewarded her for her manipulation, right?
Yes, yes.
Okay, so it worked?
Yes.
Okay.
And the funny thing is, is what, what was the complaint that she had about your dad?
He's too easily manipulated by his mother.
Yeah.
Right.
And then what does your mother do?
Manipulates the living shit out of you.
It's revolting.
It's repulsive.
How dare she complain?
That your father is too easily bullied by his mother and then bully you whenever you say something honest that's uncomfortable to her.
Oh, it's gross.
What are you doing, man?
Why would, why would these, why would she be?
Anyway, go on.
No, and that's, we talked, we talked a bit more after that, but that, that kind of conversation has not come up again.
What do you mean?
You're so passive.
This happened, this came up.
You've chosen not to talk about it again.
Yes.
And she's not brought it up.
She didn't say, Oh, you know what?
Yesterday I really reacted badly.
I'm so sorry.
Like, please tell me more.
I obviously want to, I don't want you to be upset and I can see the effect that this might have on your dating prospects.
So let's really sort this out.
I'm, you know, I'm ready.
Yeah, that, that would be a.
An ideal scenario that did not... Okay, so you're choosing mommy over dating.
That's your choice, right?
You're choosing to appease mommy over falling in love with a woman.
Because you have inappropriate levels of honesty with both your mother and your dates.
So, I'm not sure what you're...
What, how can I help?
I mean, you chose, you're choosing to, and I say this because you've been a listener for, right?
Eight years or nine years or whatever, right?
So I say, tell the truth, right?
And you've chosen to lie and falsify.
So you're choosing allegiance to whatever the hell is going on with your mother.
You've chosen allegiance to that and falsifying your own existence.
So, I'm not sure how I can help you.
I mean, I've already given you the advice in the show to be honest with people, and you've chosen to not be honest with people, and you've chosen it for years.
So, it's like if I was a nutritionist, right?
And you had a gluten allergy, and I said the obvious thing like, okay, then don't eat gluten, and you continued to eat gluten, and you got really sick, right?
Why would you phone the nutritionist?
Because the nutritionists would say, well, I've been telling you for years not to eat gluten.
You're eating gluten, you've got to go to emergency.
Or just continue to be sick, right?
But I'm not going to tell you anything I haven't already told you for years.
Do you see what I mean?
I'm not trying to be hostile or mean or anything, I'm just like, well, you chose to falsify, you chose to lie, you chose to appease your mother, and then you can't get close to a woman.
Well, of course not.
I mean, you can't tell the truth to your mother after 29 years, but somehow you've got to tell the truth to a woman over three dates?
Come on!
Right.
So, again, I'm not sure.
I was kind of hoping that you'd have a problem that wasn't blindingly obvious, if you don't mind me saying so.
Right?
So you've chosen to appease your mother, who sounds like a pretty bad mother, right?
You've chosen to appease your mother, to lie, to falsify, to be manipulated, and then you're like, but I just can't get close to women.
Well, yeah.
Because your mom and your lying to your mom is between you and women.
And she's fine with that, obviously.
Otherwise she would have sorted it out.
So if you're choosing mommy,
Over a wife.
That, I mean, it's not a choice that I would make.
But, you know, I mean, and I wouldn't say I respect your choice, but that is your choice, isn't it?
And it's not a choice that I'm saying that's surprising to you, is it?
No, it's, uh... So you get mommy in porn instead of a wife and kids?
I mean, again, I don't think it's a particularly wise choice, but that's your choice, right?
Right.
And I don't mean this in any critical or hostile or negative way.
I mean, that's your choice.
You choose to eat gluten, well, you're gonna get sick.
And if you choose to be manipulated and surrender your honesty and integrity to a pretty crappy mom,
Then, yeah.
How are you gonna get close to anyone?
Like, you can't be... You can't have a more honest relationship than your least honest relationship.
I mean, primary relationship.
I don't mean, like, you know, some waiter says, how was the food?
And you say, it was good, when it was just okay.
I don't mean that.
I mean, like, a close relationship, right?
And if your primary relationship
It's built on lies, manipulation, bullying and appeasement.
That's your life.
That's your major relationship.
I'm sure similar things are happening with your dad too.
Yeah.
So, you know, I mean, this is why I was kind of surprised that we didn't start off the conversation with, I'm lying to my parents.
Right?
Because if we'd started off with that, we could have saved a lot of time.
That's just my minor irritation.
Right?
Because if you'd have said, you know, well...
I got lied, bullied, and manipulated out of being honest with my mom years ago, and I'm just going through the motions to be like, well, if you start with there, we could have saved a lot of time.
I mean, I think it's been useful to talk about this other stuff, but isn't that the basics of it?
It is.
So, I mean, that's me.
I can't see you, obviously.
I don't know how things are in your heart based on what I'm saying, but what's going on for you?
I think what I'm looking for is a way to cheat the process.
Right.
No, I get it.
I just want some gluten for God's sake.
Give me a magic bill.
If it's any consolation, I look for those loopholes all the time too.
So I'm with you.
No, I mean, that is it.
Okay, what value does your mother bring to your life?
In the present, in the here and now.
She doesn't give you advice.
She doesn't care that you're single.
She doesn't care that you've barely dated.
Right?
She doesn't care about the bad examples she's had as a wife and as a girlfriend.
Right?
Help me understand.
I mean, if she is a billionaire and you're going to get a lot of money when she dies, what is the value that she brings that you're willing to falsify your history and your experience and your life and be bullied, manipulated?
I mean, for what?
Why?
What's the plus?
I'm afraid of assuming that level of responsibility.
It's so much easier to just
Do nothing in your own life.
Um, what do you mean?
Like, not, not what, not?
Not, not to make my own choice.
Do you know, sorry, do you know, because if we're too abstract, do you know why your mother is between you and a quality girlfriend?
Like, why can't you get a quality girlfriend with this relationship with your mother?
Because my allegiance is to my mother rather than a potential wife.
Okay.
So?
You could transfer that allegiance to quality wife?
I mean, I hope that my daughter will always have an allegiance with her mother!
What's wrong with having allegiance with your mother?
Or a mother?
Nothing, right?
Right.
Because you're too much like your dad.
That's one of two reasons, right?
One is that you're too much like your dad.
So, can a woman bond with you if your mother can falsify you?
If your mother can make you fake and false and a liar, can a woman bond with you?
No.
No, because she can't trust you.
Because then mom's going to call, and you're going to despawn, right?
That's number one.
Number two, a woman gets to know you.
She finds out about what's going on with your mother, right?
And she's going to be like, well, I don't like that your mother hurts you, right?
Let's, you know, when things start to get serious, she's going to be like, I have a problem with your mother.
Cause she's, you know, she neglected you.
She,
Has given you no parenting, and she kind of bullies you, manipulates you, right?
So, I have a problem with your mother, right?
So, you know, we're gonna, like a quality woman, right?
It's gonna be like, I gotta sit down, we gotta clear the air with your mother, right?
Because I don't want this part of our marriage, and I certainly don't want this to be part of our child raising, or, you know, give this woman, who's not a good mother, control over our children, right?
As a babysitter or grandparent, right?
Right.
So, she's gonna sit down with your mother, right?
And you.
And she's gonna say, we gotta talk about things, right?
How does your mom react?
Remember I said you can't fight against maternal manipulations without an ally, right?
Right.
That's why I wrote the scene in Just Poor between Lady Barbara and Kay and Jonathan and Lydia, which if you haven't read, you should read the book Just Poor.
So you can't win, you can't fight maternal manipulations without an ally, right?
So your equality girlfriend would be an ally, right?
Right.
So she'd sit down with your mother and hash things out, right?
And how would your mom react?
What would your mom do?
She would get really upset, try to undermine things, and try to get me on her side.
Well, yeah, maybe.
But your mother would be stuck, because she can bully you, but she can't bully your girlfriend, right?
Right.
Now, if she complies with your... Your mother then ends up in a no-win situation.
Do you know why?
Either she escalates, goes nuts, in which case the girlfriend is like, well, we're done with her, right?
Like I'm not having this crazy person around my family.
So you got to choose, right?
Or she's really reasonable and nice with your girlfriend, in which case that does arguably even more harm to your mom's relationship with you, right?
Because then you look at your mom being reasonable and not manipulative and not hysterical, and you're like, holy shit, she can totally do the opposite.
She just faked it with me.
It was just a move.
It wasn't real.
Do you see what I mean?
Yeah, that's vicious.
So your mother sits down with a quality girlfriend to hash things out.
No matter what happens, your mother's relationship with you is severed.
So does your mother want you to get a quality girlfriend?
No.
Of course not.
Because she loses all her power over you.
So this is why your mother is between you and a quality girlfriend.
Cuz a quality girlfriend tapes the old nipple fangs out of your brain.
She won't put up with it.
You'll have an ally against the devouring mother.
You'll have someone who really cares about you.
And if you have someone who really cares about you, your mother is going to freak the fuck out.
Because then you have an ally.
And she can't win then.
Do you see what I mean?
Yes.
So that's what I mean.
You can have your allegiance with mommy, and you get your porn, and that can be your life.
Or you can say, I have standards.
Those standards are honesty, integrity, virtue, love, caring.
Step up or get lost.
Like, sorry, that's what it comes down to.
These are my standards.
Step up or shove off.
I don't do bullshit manipulation.
I don't do tears of self-pity that are designed just to shut me up.
I think it's vile.
I don't do that.
So we have an honest conversation.
If you pull that shit, I'm done.
And if she pulls that shit, you get up and you walk out.
And if she calls you up like nothing happened, you say, no, you really manipulated me.
It was horrible.
Clean that shit up.
And, oh, what do you want me to do?
I don't, do that, you misunderstood, blah, blah, blah.
It's like, no, until you're ready to take self-ownership, I don't want conversation, sorry.
Then you hang up, right?
You just, like all the stuff that your mom should have done with your grandmother.
But she won't.
And so this is the reason why your mom couldn't stand up against your father's mother, because she's the same!
How's she going to criticize?
Your grandmother.
Your father's mother for being manipulative.
How the fuck is she gonna do that?
I try not to shoot weapons that go off in my face.
Personally, it's actually a fairly consistent rule of mine.
Don't pull the shotgun trigger with the sh- with the concrete at the end.
I try not to pull the pins on grenades and then hang on to them.
Right.
And none of this is surprising to you, is it?
I mean, I think you needed the ally, I think you needed it stated, but there's nothing revolutionary in what I'm saying.
It's the same thing I've been saying, right?
I mean, you needed it said, I think, but there's nothing massively like, oh my god, how does this fit in with anything Steph's ever said before?
Right.
So, tell me, what are you thinking?
What are you feeling?
Well, it would be tragic to continue doing the same things I've been doing.
You're not helping your mother anyway, because by giving her a pretend relationship, she doesn't have to date.
Like, you're actually isolating her.
But sorry, go ahead.
Yeah, I just...
I want to live my own life, and the fact that such clear lines need to be drawn for me to do so is sobering.
How people miss this for seven years or eight years is really amazing to me.
The first virtue is what?
Honesty.
Right.
I feel that I have been doing wrong, but I've been trying to find some way to slip the noose and avoid it.
Sorry, say again?
You feel like you've been doing wrong, but what?
But I've been looking for a way to slip the noose and avoid it.
Avoid... Avoid what?
Avoid that honesty with my mother.
Well, you have been avoiding it.
Yeah.
Right?
And you're paying the price, obviously, right?
Right.
If I've got some giant tumor on my face, I guess, or some giant tumor, I don't know, my inner thigh, someplace not obvious, I can avoid going to the doctor, right?
My doctor's not going to come over every day and check my inner thigh.
I can just avoid it, right?
Then I just pay the price.
You know, the reason I put the analogy on your inner thigh is you might get your balls cut off to deal with the tumor, right?
Yes, very subtle.
Nothing if not subtle.
Do you think that if you have a conversation that's honest and direct with your mother that she will change or be honest or not manipulate or can you get an honest, I mean you've had, you know, 30 years almost of experience, a quarter century of conscious experience, is your mom gonna be honest, direct, not manipulate?
No, I think the conversation that I had with her a few years ago was an attempt to do that.
And she manipulated you and then gaslit and avoided in triumph, right?
Yeah.
Okay.
So are you going to be able to get a quality woman in your life if your manipulative avoidant bad mother is there?
No.
That's true.
No.
Especially if she's pushing 30, right?
Right.
Mom says jump, I say how high?
I can't be honest with her because she'd get sad.
Because she'll never bond with her because she'll always be trying to please her mother.
So she can't.
You have no authority with her and she would have no authority with you, right?
You'd only be able to be close to each other with your crazy mother's permission, right?
Right, right.
And that would never last, right?
Right, right.
So is that enough insight for you for today?
We've had a nice long chat.
Yes.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I still don't get a sense of how you're feeling, Ben.
You're distant as a star.
I mean, it might be a good idea to talk to a therapist, because normally I look for some sort of emotional connection with people towards the end of the call, and it still sounds like we're discussing the weather from your side.
It's just, like, I feel like it would be the first real choice I've made in my life.
Well, or have been allowed to make.
It wasn't a choice until it was this clear, right?
Right.
Because it's one thing to appease your mother, it's another thing to see the price of it, right?
And when you see the price of it,
Like, if you think smoking is good for you and you love to smoke, you really don't have the choice to quit, right?
It's only when you realize that smoking is bad for you that the choice to quit opens up.
Does that make sense?
Yes.
So now you see the price of appeasement, and it's pretty high.
It's more than you want to pay, so now the choice is, right?
Choice exists.
Right.
All right.
Well, I hope you'll keep me posted about how things are going.
And I really, you know, huge amount of sympathy and huge amount of compassion for your childhood and the difficulties with your mother.
And we didn't talk much about your father, but I assume to some degree with your father as well.
And it's a great call, man.
You did a, you did a great job.
It was definitely some tough stuff.
And I really, really do appreciate your time today.
