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Feb. 25, 2024 - Freedomain Radio - Stefan Molyneux
01:37:16
How to Love Your Sibling!
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Time Text
Hey, how's it going?
Hello, hello. Can you hear me?
Yes, can you hear me?
Yes, yes. Alrighty, righty.
Well, I mean, obviously, congratulations.
Good news, I suppose, although it's a challenge as a whole.
So, yeah, tell me what's going on.
Well, yeah, thank you. Well, last year I started, like, making music.
I guess I just really like music and I wanted to start doing it.
I started doing music production and I... I guess...
I guess everything was smooth and I had a big success.
I dropped a couple tracks and one of them made it really big on TikTok.
Well, then I signed with the record label and I now have...
Yeah, I have a lot of money, I guess, to live for my age.
And, you know, even before making music, I was...
Kind of, I would say, depressed or feeling like I am alone.
I didn't have that much friends and all the friends I have are like plus 20 years of them.
When I was 17, my friends had like 25, 30, 38, 40, 45.
So I don't really get that Good along people of my age, I guess.
And yeah, it's been really hard to, you know, live with this deep feeling of that I am not enough by myself.
Yeah, that's basically...
I don't know how to discard it in another way.
Well, I suppose that now that your immediate financial concerns have been taken care of, and I assume if you manage it wisely for the rest of your life, I guess the question is, well, now what?
But I suppose even more importantly than that is this feeling of emptiness or this feeling of not being good enough.
Can you tell me a little bit about your...
What's your background? What's your origin story?
What's your childhood? Oh, yes.
Yeah, sure. Well, I didn't have a dad, first of all.
My dad died when I was one year old.
My sister was three years old.
She remembers... Yeah, what did he die of?
Heart attack. Yeah, but he has a background of...
You know, there is a little story about my dad that he was...
When he was 20, he had an accident in motorcycle.
He wasn't wearing a helmet and...
I think he was mad after visiting one of his girlfriends, or I don't remember the story exactly, but yeah, he crashed with the bike and he was like six months in coma and then somehow he made it alive, but he lost a part of his brain, so he wasn't like that guy, that intelligent guy that That was before.
And that frustrated him and he had also epilepsy and stuff like that from the accident.
So he ended up dying like at 42, I think.
So hang on.
So if you were a year old, I assume that your mother...
Married him or got together with him after the accident, is that right?
Yeah, yeah, exactly. He was like 30 and she was, I guess, 22 or something like that.
Yeah, yeah, he married after the accident.
Oh, so 30, so they were together for a long time before you came along.
Oh, yes, yes, like 12, 15 years, I guess.
And are you an only child?
No, no, no, I have a sister.
Okay, got it, got it. And so, you obviously didn't know your father, really.
And what happened with your mom?
Well, my mom, you know, she doesn't have a degree, really, and nothing, and never really had a stable job.
So, she had to work, like, dead in jobs to just feed us, and she I guess she took care of the most she could.
I guess your dad wasn't much of a candidate for life insurance after his accident, I assume.
Oh, no, no, no. Absolutely not.
No, he wasn't. And also for the mental problems and the health problems he had, it was really hard for him to get a job because everyone fired him.
And that was even like adding up even more to the condition, right?
He got frustrated and shit.
I'm sorry. I don't care, honestly.
I don't mind.
I'm sorry.
Recently, my sister, we were dining in a pizza restaurant.
My sister made a revelation.
One of my uncles in Christmas told her that my dad was an alcoholic.
And I didn't know it. Sorry, it was like a what?
A colleague. He had problems.
He wasn't like he drank and hit my mom or something, but he...
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you said colleague.
You mean alcoholic. Yeah, yeah, alcoholic.
Okay, got it. My bad. Sorry, go ahead.
No, yeah, yeah. And what basically happened to him was he would get really depressed and He will drink and go sleep like one day or two days and shit and yeah that's that's basically what and and that obviously completely changed my perspective of him because everyone told me through my entire life that that he was like this amazing man that took over the world and he had the accident and and okay okay but yeah it changed completely my perspective on On life, I guess. I'm sorry.
What did it change from and to when you found out your dad was an alcoholic?
You know, all these years I've been missing.
I really wanted to have a father.
But knowing that, now I guess that if I had that father, That would be more of a problem than a help.
Because why would I want a dad that has problems with alcohol and can't really take the responsibility of things, you know, the hard moments.
And maybe he was drunk when he crashed his bike.
Maybe. I don't know that part of the story.
No, no, I think he didn't have problems before.
That's what my family told me.
Oh, he became an alcoholic after the accident.
Yeah, yes, yes, yes.
So, yeah, basically, he had problems with that.
It really shifted my switch because I was, like, really wanting a father to guide me and give me this, I guess, Warm feeling of everything's going to be okay or something.
Because up until now, I had to hold myself like me.
There wasn't anyone really supporting me.
There was my mom, but she didn't really listen to me when I talked.
All right, so hang on. We started with your mom, and if we can go a little further with her.
Oh, yes, yes. We switched to my mom.
Yes. Okay.
Yeah, so basically, she worked most of my childhood she was working.
I have very few memories of her, like, with us.
I do remember she, whenever she came, she took us out, but we always had financial problems.
Like, it's the first time in my life that we don't have because I made this money, but if not, we would probably still have them.
But yeah, I don't really remember.
I do remember, though, she used to hit my sister when I was a child, and she was like eight, I think, or nine, and I was six.
I remember being here playing in the computer, and she doing homework, and my mom losing patience, and just...
Hitting her or stuff.
Then, I guess, we became both teenagers and she had a couple of bad friendships.
My mom really was all the time, I would say, I don't know what's the word, but I would say she was concerned about My sister, because she was hanging out with weird people, like people that smoke and take drugs and hangouts with more bad people.
So, yeah. And that kind of gave me the trauma that I don't want to...
I don't want to make my mom worry, so I won't go out and I will just stay here at home playing games and trying to make money, I guess.
And what I said about...
that I didn't...
got listened by my mom was that...
what I meant by that was...
my mom...
she really...
like...
listened to me for like 10 seconds when I started telling her something I felt and...
and then she was like...
not paying me attention at all.
And then I... that's...
I... at least that's now...
how I think she...
She really never cared, but I don't know how to explain it any further.
What happened with your mom's life, I mean, after your father died?
I mean, I guess she worked a lot. Did she ever remarry?
No, no, she worked a lot.
I have a stepfather, actually, right now.
He's living with us.
Sorry, a little confused. I said, did she remarry?
You said no, but I have a stepfather.
No, no. It's not married.
It's like... Oh, it's just like a live-in boyfriend.
Yeah. Okay. Exactly.
And how long has he been around?
I would say 10 years, 11.
11.
And how do you get along with him?
I mean...
Good, I guess.
Okay. We don't have like...
The best of their relationships, but he used to take us out on weekends and we went out with him to dine.
I have good memories with him when we were a child with my sister.
She would take us to shopping malls and play to the arcades and stuff.
Yes, I do remember that.
But did he have any children of his own or children with your mom?
No, no. Is he much older than your mom?
Yeah, he's like 61 and my mom is 45.
Okay, got it, got it. And they get along fairly well?
I would say normal.
I don't... I don't know what normal is for you, so...
No, like, I would say, like, no...
When I asked my mom why he stays with him, like, if it's not exactly what she wants, and she told me, like, because he loves us, and it's really hard to find someone that loves childs of other guys, and I guess that's pretty true, but I still don't understand at all, because...
If he doesn't give you the, I don't know how to say it, the main attributes to contributing the relationship, I guess it's not that useful.
I don't know if I... Can you tell me a little bit more about that?
Yeah, like, I hardly see them, like, Hugging or he kissing his hair or vice versa, right?
I really hardly see them taking that.
They take care of each other, obviously, but I don't see much affection at all, like physical stuff.
And that's really weird for me.
Or that's what I think, I guess.
Okay, got it, got it.
I don't know if I am explaining well.
Please, if you don't understand something, please ask me.
No, no, I understand it.
I understand it. Yeah, yeah.
Also, English is not like my first language, so maybe I am saying something.
No, no, listen, I admire everyone and anyone who can speak more than one language, so you have nothing to apologize to me for.
It's very impressive to me.
Okay, thank you. All right, so tell me a little bit about your school life, dating history, that kind of stuff.
Yeah, well, I do remember first and second grade was like really good years for me, like two years, but there was the best years because I was like the guy in the school.
I don't remember being six or seven and I was happy to go to school.
I had a couple of friends and yeah, then my mom had to change all Of school, because my sister was about to...
I don't know how to say it in English.
Like, when you do the same grade again.
When you have to re...
I don't know how to say it.
Redo, I guess. Oh, you get held back a year?
What do you mean? Do you mean, like, she had to repeat a year?
Oh, yes, exactly.
Repeat a year. She didn't, but she had to change us because we didn't get the space in the school.
I don't remember exactly, but we changed schools and then I went to another school and it wasn't that fun anymore.
And when I came back to my initial school, it wasn't my fun also.
Yeah, and in high school, I kind of isolated myself.
I had friends in school, but I hardly went out with them.
I honestly spent most of my teenage years here in my house.
I'm trying to change that now, but, you know, that's time gone.
Yeah, then last year I dated a girl.
It lasted three months.
She then broke up with me.
Yeah, now I'm still dealing with that.
I hope you contacted her and told her that you're now wealthy and successful.
I'm just kidding.
Oh no no no no no no man, actually, she knew that but she never really showed any like
I'm interested in my financial stuff, I guess.
Actually, what happened with this girl was I met her in a WhatsApp group of my friends of school.
They added me to a random WhatsApp group and we started talking and she lives like a block away from me, like 100 meters away.
And we didn't know. So, yeah.
I saw some...
When we were talking, I saw some, like...
I would say, Redface?
I don't remember exactly what I saw, but I felt like she wasn't the right girl for me.
And so, we stopped talking, like, for six months or something.
No, I think it was four months.
And then she reached back to me, saying...
She was drunk, first of all.
She was what? Drunk.
Oh, she was drunk. Okay, got it.
Yeah. And she reached out to me saying that she deeply appreciated me and that I don't remember exactly what she said.
But basically, she told me she wanted to talk again with me, but It was with another intention because before it was just friends and now she kind of...
I don't know. She told me stuff that I was different and I don't remember exactly what and then a week went on only.
Because I really... I liked her before but I just walked away because I saw weird things.
Sorry, you say you saw weird things?
Yeah, like...
Behaviors. With behaviors.
Like normal teenage behaviors like going out with friends and boys and stuff.
But I didn't really like that.
Because if I want a girlfriend, I don't want my girlfriend to go out with other boys.
You know? Oh, and she was like, I'm going to do it.
Don't control me. That kind of stuff.
Like when you said, I don't want you going out with other boys.
What did she say? That they were just friends.
I mean, she didn't... When we started dating, she didn't really went out, but there was some boys talking to her that say the weird things in a group, like...
And that really...
I don't know how to say it.
They were like...
You know how...
How teenagers talk about girls.
Normal stuff, I guess, but if you're talking with a boy that's saying some things like sexual approach or sexual jokes as to you...
Sorry, I am saying...
I am confusing things.
So, basically, we were in a group You know Discord.
Do you know Discord, right?
I do. Okay, okay.
We were in a Discord group, and there was some people, and I joined that Discord group because she invited me and stuff, and I saw these guys joking with her sexually, right? I don't know if I am explaining well.
Yeah, yeah, I got it. And I told her I don't like that at all because, you know, she's with me, I guess.
And she told me, oh, it was only jokes and stuff.
But she, after, like, three times I said to her I don't like that, she didn't care.
She kept talking to the same people and didn't, like, stop the jokes or something.
Yeah, no, I get it.
That's troubling. Yeah, and it started to be really annoying, and it wasn't really like a good relationship.
After all, I felt so bad, and I'm still feeling bad about certain things.
What do you feel bad about?
Well, I felt bad that I gave her too much of my focus.
That In that moment when we started, it was like my picking moment in numbers and stuff in music.
If I just have used that energy in my music, I think I will have approached it differently, but I guess that's okay.
Did your mother give you any advice or thought?
This was your first serious relationship, is that right?
Yes, yes. And did your mother or stepfather give you any tips or feedback or thoughts or advice?
I mean... I mean...
A little.
My mom, I guess.
Like... She...
I used to tell her...
I mean, I am pretty close with her.
With my thoughts and stuff.
Even if she...
Normally, now it's different because I already talked to her about this, that she doesn't pay me attention.
But I don't care that much now.
I talked to her and she, I guess, tried to give me advice, but I don't remember any advice at all.
And not from your...
Your stepfather, who's, you know, as you say, 60, he's got some life experience.
I mean, no advice on how to date?
No. No, I don't.
No, no, no, no. Nothing.
Okay. Now, you said that your mom hit your sister.
What about you? How were you disciplined as a kid?
I mean, I got hit a couple times.
I don't remember one specifically, but my sister got it harder than me.
To be honest. Well, not very funny, right?
I know that we have the urge to laugh at these things, but you're saying it's not very funny.
No, no, it's not funny.
It's not funny at all, no.
But... Why do you think your sister got hit more?
We used to know. What?
Why do you think your sister got hit more?
Because she was older, I guess.
I don't know. To be honest, I don't know.
That's a really good question.
She used to take...
You seem kind of crippled towards your sister.
I'm not criticizing, I'm just...
What I noticed could be wrong.
Oh, man, yes. Oh, fuck.
You hit me.
That's what I was about to talk to you also.
My sister usually...
fun. My sister, I'm sorry, like my sister, yeah she usually hugs me and asks me how I
am and I am just close with her and I don't know really why.
I've already been trying to figure that out but I can hardly identify why but I don't feel like I want to hug her.
And I really try to, but I don't feel like hugging her.
Were you close in the past and less close now?
No, no, we weren't close in the past.
She used to take care of me when my mom was working.
Oh, she's older, right?
She's three years older than me only.
Got it, got it, okay. But yeah, you're right.
Yeah, it's...
I am very cold with her and I don't know what I want.
Why I do that.
And she told me that and I just...
I don't know how to react honestly to that because I can't just go and...
And do stuff, like, it never happened anything.
I'm sorry, what do you mean, never happened?
Like, yeah, like, I am always, like, such, sorry for the word, but I am such an addict with her, normally.
I talk to her very bad.
But I don't really think about it, man.
I just do it.
You mean to her?
Yes. Okay, yeah, sorry, I thought it was just didn't want to hug her.
And how long have you been, when do you remember being mean to her first?
When do you mean what first?
When, like what age?
So you said you were never close to her and when did you first
remember saying mean things to her?
I would say 14.
Probably before. Oh, so it's really just in the last couple of years, I suppose, right?
Yeah, but we didn't have that normal...
I don't know if it's normal or not, but we didn't have that close brother's relationship because she was more my mother than my sister.
Yeah. Well, I don't know that that necessarily means that you have to be...
I mean, was she a mean caregiver?
Did she, like... Was she cruel to you?
Did she... No, no, no.
I think...
No, no. She used to cook for me.
She used to...
I don't remember exactly if she...
but she never did really something to me that I could say, oh this thing hurt me a lot or something.
So why do you dislike her?
I'm not saying this like it's bad or I'm just genuinely curious why do you dislike her?
I don't know. No, you know.
Don't give up. Come on. You've listened to this show long enough.
You know that's not going anywhere.
All right. Why do you dislike her?
I mean, you know, I mean, sometimes people just don't get along.
They don't see eye to eye. They don't have the same values or approaches to life.
I mean, I just wanted to hear about that.
Yeah, we definitely don't have the same values.
Approaches to life.
I am more like a doer guy.
So you're more what?
I like to do stuff and not complain that much about things.
And she's more like, I don't like this.
I don't like this about my life.
I don't like this.
I don't like having this weight.
I don't have it. And I just, if I don't like my weight, I just do something about it, you know?
Well, you're male.
Yeah, and if I don't like my financial situation, I do something.
If I don't like anything, I can control it.
I just want to do something about it.
And she just...
It's just like kind of the opposite.
So she complains?
Yeah, a lot. And maybe that's a small part of it.
Um... But you also did have some fairly significant differences in your childhoods, right?
Of course, yeah.
I mean, you didn't have someone to take care of, and she did.
Yes. Now, I'm sure, I mean, she probably cared about you and all of that, but I'm sure, particularly when she got into her teenage years, that she wasn't super keen on spending her time taking care of her little brother, right?
Yeah, of course, of course.
Sorry, go ahead.
No, no, she just wanted to leave.
Well, she wanted to be out with her friends and get a job or something like that.
Did she have any option to not take care of you when she got to her teenage years?
I'm thinking like, I don't know, 14, 13, 14, 15 kind of thing.
Sorry, what you mean? Did she have the choice to not take care of you?
In other words, did she have to take care of you?
No, no, no. My mom worked less because she started selling clothes online and stuff, so she was more timey at home.
Okay, so your sister was not sort of stuck taking care of you when your sister got to her teenage years, is that right?
Sorry, what did you say again?
She wasn't stuck taking care of you.
No, no, no. Okay.
No, I wouldn't say something.
And you said that she's generally had affection.
She's had more affection with you than you've had with her, right?
Yeah, but I mean a lot more like Yes, absolutely.
And again, I'm just trying to figure out what is it that you dislike about her, or what is it that troubles you about her, or what is it, do you think?
You said the complaining thing, but is there anything else?
No, no. Yeah, I guess it should be, yes, definitely.
I just disliked a lot when she was a teenager and seeing my mom angry and stuff.
That really pissed me off because I felt bad and I couldn't do anything.
So are you saying that your sister fought with your mom a lot?
Oh yes. And do you know why your sister fought with your mother?
I don't remember exactly why but But why do you think your sister would have hostility towards your mother?
My sister towards my mother?
Yes. My girl?
Because she was trying to control her, I guess?
Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.
Try again. You already told me why.
Because she had to take care of me.
No, that's not necessarily why.
There's something else.
Um...
Okay.
Um, I'm trying to... get it.
and I'll see you next time. Bye.
Because she wanted to live her life.
Nope. We all want to live her life.
That doesn't mean that we fight. Oh, because she hit her.
Yeah, didn't your mother beat your sister?
Yes. So, your mother beat your sister, and I know you got hit a couple of times, but you said it was a lot more with your sister, right?
Yeah, a lot more, yes.
Your mother beat your sister, and then, you know, obviously, then your sister had to take care of you, but that doesn't necessarily mean massive conflict and problems.
So, I'm trying to sort of figure out why, when your sister was fighting with your mother, because, like, you know how this goes, right?
You know how it goes. Which is, the mother beats the child, and then the mother stops beating the child when the child gets older, because the child is bigger, right?
Yeah, right. So then the child knows that the mother could always have stopped beating at any time.
And the mother simply stops beating the child because the child is bigger.
So then, now that the child is bigger, she has no respect for her mother.
She, in fact, dislikes her mother.
Well, yes. That's what's happening with both of us right now.
No, no false. Like, neither of us respect our mother at all.
No, no, but hang on, hang on.
So you said... This sounds like I'm accusing you.
I'm not. I'm just pointing it out. But you said that you were mad at your sister for fighting with your mother, right?
Yes. Or one of the reasons that you had problems with your sister.
Yes. It's because she was fighting with your mother, right?
Yes. So why would you not have sympathy for your sister fighting back against the woman who beat her?
Like, why would you take your mother's side and not your sister's side?
I never really thought about it that way, honestly.
Alright. I mean, you've listened to this show, right?
Yes. Have you ever heard me express sympathy towards children who were beaten?
No, no, no. You've never heard me express any sympathy towards children who were beaten?
No, no, no. I actually listened, I think...
For podcasts. Okay, so you've heard me many times express deep sympathy for children who are beaten or assaulted or hit, right?
Yes, I actually, yes.
And then you're trying to tell me, hang on, and then you're trying to tell me, but Steph...
It never crossed my mind.
I mean, although I've heard you countless times express sympathy for children who were beaten or assaulted or hit, it just never occurred to me to have any sympathy for my sister who was beaten, assaulted and hit.
Oh, yeah. So, no.
I mean, look, if you'd never heard my show before, I'd never heard the sort of deep sympathy for abused children, but you have.
So, it can't be that it never crossed your mind.
It's got to be something else, right?
If you listen to a diet podcast that talks about cutting calories and exercise, and then you end up 300 pounds, and you've been listening for years to this podcast about diet and exercise, and then you call the person who runs the podcast on diet and exercise, and they say, well, you should probably cut calories and exercise, and you're like, well, that never crossed my mind.
But you've been listening for years!
How could it not cross your mind?
Yeah. When I say this with sympathy, there's a reason.
I'm not saying it's, you know. Yes, yes, you're right.
But there's a reason, but, you know, when you say to me, like, well, gee, Stafford, I've listened to you talk about sympathy for the victims of child abuse for years, but it never crossed my mind to have sympathy for my sister who was the victim of child abuse.
So why not? Right. Yes, you're right.
Yeah, you're absolutely right.
So, and again, that's just an interesting and obviously pretty deep question, right?
Which is why would you not have...
Now, sympathy doesn't mean you go hug her and love her, but I mean, because, you know, whatever, there could be other things.
But I think it does mean that you need to know why you don't have this sympathy.
I don't know, honestly.
you Are you really trying the I don't know again?
I mean, I appreciate that persistence.
This kind of persistence has made you a success at a young age, so that's good for you.
I appreciate this kind of persistence, but it doesn't work, right, logically?
Yes, yes. I am trying to see something that could have made me...
Also, what's interesting to me is that your sister was beaten.
How often was she hit by your mother?
I don't remember a point.
It was very often, I would say.
A couple of times a week.
What? You don't think that's very often?
That's like 150 times a year.
It is, it is, it is.
But he wasn't like...
See, here's the thing.
You've got this thing in your head which minimizes the harm to your sister.
Did your mother hit your sister with implements?
No, no, no, no, no.
Just hands. And did she hit her on the body or around the face or both?
No. Oh, no, I don't know.
I think face and body, I guess.
Okay, so that's pretty terrible, right?
Oh, yes.
Now, what's interesting, I think, is your sister was beaten...
Maybe over 10, I don't know.
Maybe, do you know when it began to diminish?
Like, was it 13 or 14 that your mother stopped hitting?
No, no. It was actually, I think it was only like two, three months, I guess.
That's what I remember.
Sorry, what was it, two, three months?
Yes, the period, because she wasn't like doing the school stuff.
Are you saying, sorry, your mother only hit your sister for a couple of months?
I think so.
I don't. With all due respect, I know it's your memory.
No, no, no, no, yes, yes.
But that seems quite unlikely that a mother has the ability and the willingness and thinks it's a good idea to hit her children, but over the entire course of maybe a 15-year childhood only hits for a couple of months.
Oh, yes, it was a couple of times more, obviously, but it wasn't that often.
So it was a couple of times a week, but not for too long.
Yes, yes, it was just like a small period, I guess, not a year or so.
But I don't remember, honestly.
Yes, I don't remember that much.
Now, did your sister, how did she, I mean, she was in charge of you, right?
So how did she discipline you when she was in charge of you?
If you needed it or whatever, right?
Or if there was that belief?
Um, she didn't.
She didn't provide any discipline to you, is that right?
Like, I mean, in terms of, like, hitting or yelling or...
I mean, no, no, she...
We used to fight.
No, not physically fight, but...
You'd have your arguments? Well, yeah, I mean, you're...
Yeah, we had arguments.
I mean, you're siblings, so there's going to be disagreements, right?
Yeah, yeah, we had just disagreements, and we just ended there.
So your sister was hit, I mean, as you say, occasionally, but when she was hit, she was hit a lot.
And she never hit you?
No, no, never.
I mean, isn't that pretty good?
Yes. So she kind of shielded you.
She didn't reproduce the abuse that she suffered on you.
Do I have that right?
Yes, you're right.
So, help me understand.
I mean, wouldn't...
I'm not trying to tell you how to feel, brother, of course, right?
But wouldn't it be the case that there's a certain amount of gratitude in that?
That, you know, you were hit, and then you took care of me, and you never hit me?
So, I mean, obviously you're a passionate guy, you're an artist, and, you know, I obviously can get your emotion here, so I'm trying to figure out What the block is to any kind of gratitude.
Right? Because you are obviously a passionate guy.
I don't know.
I just feel like I don't I just don't want to It was, I think, my...
I'm trying to figure out what it is exactly, but there is nothing that comes to my mind right now.
I just don't feel like hugging her when she hugs me and she every morning comes here by my side and I just
I May have been kids.
And how, in what way are you mean to her?
I don't really talk to her in the best way.
Oh, come on! Just give me some details here.
Yes, like... What do you say?
What do you do? Sometimes she calls me and says, look, look this, and I say, oh, it's good and stuff, but I am not, like, super excited to, you know, to talk to her.
Yes. And now we're talking and I just want to go to the other room and hug her and it's like...
Well, and you can't remember a time when you felt affection towards your sister, right?
I mean, yes, yes.
We had moments where we had and she...
I have her, and I am trying to be a little more effective, if that makes sense with her, but I just have to force it.
it doesn't come out naturally for me.
But yes, I agree with that.
Just to cut to the chase, would you like the answer as to why you
are cold towards your sister?
Yes, please. Because you're allied with your mother.
And your mother is frustrated and annoyed with your sister.
And so you are simply aligned with your mother.
Okay. Or to put it another way, you probably have a concern that if you showed a great deal of affection and support towards your sister, your mother would view that as a betrayal.
If you took your sister's side in the conflicts against her mother, and you sat down with your mother when your sister and your mother were fighting and say, look mom, you hit her in the face repeatedly as a child.
That's why she's fighting with you.
It was bad parenting.
It was abusive.
It was deeply wrong, incredibly harmful.
And you need to apologize.
And your relationship, like mom and sister, your relationship is always going to be full of conflict and unhappiness and frustration and anger until the hitting of the child is addressed.
She's the victim. You're the mother.
How dare you fight with your child?
You define the whole relationship.
You were in charge. How dare you say mean things to the child that you raised?
It's like teaching your children the wrong words.
Like, instead of saying tree, you say rat bastard.
And then your kid says, hey, look, there's a rat bastard when she points at a tree, right?
And then you attack the child, and you criticize the child, and you humiliate the child for saying something rude.
That's crazy. She is as you raised her mom.
How dare you criticize the child that you raised when you were in charge of raising them?
So, Mom, you need to apologize to your daughter, and you also need to apologize to me because I witnessed all of this, and then I need to apologize to my sister for not having her back, not being her brother, not supporting her, not keeping her safe.
Now, if you said something like that, what would your mother say?
I'm 100% on my sister's side.
Mom, you need to apologize to her for hitting me.
I think she will apologize.
You think she would apologize?
I do. Then why haven't you done that?
You've listened to this show, right?
Yeah, I didn't really listen.
I'm saying honestly, I didn't really listen.
A podcast on child abuse or stuff.
I listen to a couple of podcasts about relationships and stuff because I... Okay, so you're not very well known.
No, no. You don't know much about what I talk about.
Okay, that's fair. No, no, no.
I honestly didn't know.
But I assume that you've heard Colin shows.
Have you heard Colin shows? Oh, yes, yes, yes.
I heard Colin about...
Yes, about relationships, mostly.
I didn't really go... Oh, nothing about childhood?
Oh, because usually it's about childhood. No, no, no.
Okay, that's fine. No, yes, yes, yes.
I heard the guy that was dating, like, cheating woman or something like that, and you're digging into the childhood.
Yes. Now, if you were to say to your stepfather...
Why have you let this conflict between your girlfriend and your stepdaughter, or whatever you want to call it, why have you let this conflict go on?
Why is it up to me to deal with the family structure, the family issues, and the family conflicts?
Why haven't you stepped up like a man, like a father?
Why haven't you stepped up to deal with this issue, and why have you just let these women fight for years?
Um... There's two things on there.
First of all, I think he was also hit when he was a child.
I don't care.
Why would I care about that? If you're hit as a child, you should know exactly how bad it is.
Yeah, how bad it is.
Right? I mean, if I put my hand in the fire, what do I say to my kid?
Hey, don't put your hand in the fire, because it really hurts.
If I put my hand in the fire, that doesn't dictate that I then put my child's hand in the fire.
Yeah, right. I don't remember.
I do remember he wasn't there at that time because my mom and him broke up like three times.
I do remember crying because I wanted to see him and they weren't together.
Hang on, hang on. Didn't you tell me a little while ago?
Sorry, I'm not trying to be catching you out here, but didn't you tell me?
I said, how did they get along?
You said, pretty good. Now what do I hear?
Yes, yes. I express myself, but I don't get that.
Okay, so listen, we really can't have a conversation if you're not.
Like, you understand, I have no way to verify anything you're saying.
Yes. Right, so what's the only thing that I get from you is what you say, right?
I'm not sort of, I can't dial in your parents and say, well, your son says you get along fairly well.
Is that true? All I have in this conversation is what you tell me.
Now, there's absolutely no point having the conversation if you're not going to be up front.
And I'm not sort of saying, oh, big liar or anything like that.
I'm just saying that there's no point.
Yes, yes. Like, if you go to the doctor and your left elbow is really hurting, and then you say to the doctor, my right knee is killing me, I mean, it's a complete waste of time.
Yeah. So there's been a couple of things where it's like, well, wait a minute, didn't you just say, right?
So, you know, when you tell me, my parents get along well, and then you say, well, okay, but they did break up three times.
That's not the same thing, right?
Yes. And again, I'm really not trying to make you feel bad or anything.
I'm really not. I'm not trying to grind your gears or anything.
I'm just saying that it is...
I feel like we wasted time.
And you're a young man.
I'm 57 years old, so I'm conscious of wasting time.
You've got decades, right?
And I have decades too, but not as many, right?
Because you had said, well, my parents, stepdad and mom, they broke up three times.
Then we could have explored that, but instead we went to other topics.
And now the thing is, I don't know what you're telling me the truth about with the other topics.
And I'm not saying you're like some big liar.
I mean, I understand that we generally have the goal of making things look better than they are, but I don't know which way is up and which way is down at the moment.
My compass in this conversation is now spinning wildly.
And we're deep in the woods.
Yeah. Right.
Oh, yeah. I'm so sorry for that.
No, that's fine. That's fine. Just, you know, do your best to give me the facts.
Yeah, I would be trying to.
All right. Why do your parents break up?
I'm going to call them your parents because 10 years, whatever, right?
So, why do they break up?
Honestly, honestly, completely.
I don't remember, but my stepfather acts like really childish sometimes.
Like when I was growing up, I realized that he kind of has these behaviors of manipulating of that.
I will leave it, this, that's all.
You say something that he doesn't like, and you say, I will leave.
Okay, I will leave. Like, if I were going to beg you, beg him, sorry, or something.
And now that you say that, I do remember, I am also mean to him.
Like, sometimes I talk really bad to him also.
And my mom and my sister tells me, like, don't talk to him like that.
But I don't really realize in the moment, you know, what I mean to him.
So, yes. Like, now growing up, I guess I understand why they broke up.
What I don't understand is why she kept coming back to him.
Or why she let him go back?
So why did they break up?
He's childish, he gives these ultimatums, like, do this or else.
I would say yes.
And she, he had probably other stuff.
I never really knew why.
No, she never talked to us about it.
So, like, I can hardly say why.
And when was the last time they broke up?
Probably, like, 2024.
So I would say eight years ago.
Got it.
Okay.
Got it.
Got it.
Okay.
Got it.
Got it.
Okay.
Got it.
Got it. All right.
Okay, I think I've got that kind of squared away.
So let's get back to the coldness towards your sister.
Oh, okay. That's where you were the most emotional, right?
So I'm afraid, as the pretend doctor, as the made-up doctor, to push where it is, right?
I am emotional. Right.
So, yeah, tell me why...
Okay, so who is the coldest towards your sister in the family?
Is it you, or your stepmother, or your mother?
Me. Okay, so your mother, even though your mother fights with her a lot, your mother is warmer to your stepsister.
No, no, it's my sister.
I'm sorry, sorry, your sister.
I've got one too many steps in there.
Yeah, so your sister. Yes, I am.
Right. And when you think of giving your sister a hug and saying, I really want to thank you for never hitting me, even though you were hit, right?
If you think of some, and I'm not saying whether you should or shouldn't do that, but if you think about saying something like that, what is the feeling that comes up if you were to...
If you were to express any appreciation or gratitude for what your sister did?
I mean, right now, obviously, I want to do it.
But if you tell me, like, before this call, I will do it like...
I don't really want to do it.
Like, I feel it. I don't really feel it.
You know, I don't really... I feel like giving her the hug and saying that.
No, I get that. I get that.
But if you were to do it, what feeling would come up?
Right? So you say, I don't want to do it.
Okay, I get that. But if you were to do it, what feeling do you think would come up?
From her? No, from you.
Okay, okay. Probably like...
I don't know how to describe it.
This thing when...
You do something, like, forced to do it.
I don't know if you know what I'm talking about.
Yeah, yeah, I know. It's...
Yes, it's something like that.
Like, I am not that...
I'm affected with her.
Okay, let's try it this way.
So, if you were to stop this call and go and talk to your sister and give her a hug, what would you want to say to her?
Maybe partly as a result of this call or something like that, but what would you say to her when she'd be like, hey, that's unusual, why are you so friendly?
What would you say? I had a call with Steph.
I'm sorry, say again? I had the call with Steph.
I mean, I told her I will have this call.
I get that, but what would you say to her?
What would I say?
I would say, I will have her, obviously.
I would say, I'm so sorry for being the way I am with you.
I never realized how bad I treat you or not.
I mean, I realize, but I don't.
Don't really thought about it deeply.
I'm so sorry again, and I just hope she can forgive me, I guess.
So after close to two decades of meanness off and on, she gets ten seconds?
There's got to be more to it than that.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, absolutely no. I would really like to be closer with her.
I don't know what else to say.
you you
How much affection has your sister experienced over the course of her life?
She has a boyfriend, so...
In this case, she has a pretty stable relationship, I would say.
Alright, what about as a child?
I would say as much as me, honestly, but she got more hit, I guess.
Sorry, you're saying that you and your sister have had similar amounts or the same amount of affection as children?
No, no, now that you're saying that, no, no, definitely no.
Yeah, I didn't think so. I mean, she didn't talk with your mum at all.
No, no, she had...
Okay, so, as a child, how much...
I mean, who was genuinely affectionate and loving towards your sister when she was a child?
Now, when you think of your sister going through life without experiencing much love...
How do you feel about being cold to her?
I mean, it's almost like looking at a starving child and taking away its last piece of bread, right?
Yes. And again, you were the youngest of the family, like I sympathize.
I'm not calling you a bad guy or anything like that, but...
It's got to have been kind of rough for her.
And I also imagine that, you know, one of the challenges of sibling relationships is they can vanish.
They can turn to dust real quickly.
Like, if she marries this guy and she starts having kids of her own and goes off and has her own life, you might not be able to repair things.
Because then she'd be like, okay, wow, you know, I've really got a guy who loves me.
I've got children who love me.
Why would I want these cold people in my life?
Yes. Now, it's not that you don't have an affectionate nature, right?
You're feeling quite passionate about your coldness towards your sister.
So you have an affectionate nature, or you have the capacity, obviously, the capacity for affection.
So then the question is, why weren't you affectionate if you have these...
Deep pools of feeling in you, right?
Now, you can just say, well, I was mean or bad or broken or whatever, but generally we don't act just randomly, right?
And look at me throwing you in the deep end here like you barely heard any call-in shows, and here we are, going right down to the bottom, right?
But the question is, who...
Blocked your feeling. It's not you.
Children are feeling. They're passionate, right?
Babies cry and laugh and they're naturally in touch with their feelings and they express their feelings and they're affectionate and all of that.
And then, you know, if bad things happen, then...
Oh, I wonder if this was it.
I wonder if this was it.
Tell me if this makes any sense.
Could be totally wrong, obviously, right?
I wonder if...
When you saw your sister getting hit around the face, which is really brutal, if you see your sister getting beat, maybe you felt that if you were affectionate to your sister, your mom would beat you.
If you gave your sister love and support and took her aside, that your mom might beat you.
I mean it, Kobe, honestly.
I'm sorry? I don't really...
I don't resonate that much with that, but...
Yeah, it could not be the case.
It could not be the case. But there's something that blocked your affection.
Children are naturally affectionate and caring and all of that.
So something interfered with the natural flow of your feelings.
Sorry, go ahead. I really...
When I had my girlfriend, I really showed a lot of physical and emotional affection towards her.
And... I've been asking myself, why can't I do that towards my sister?
She is not bad with me.
She's not mean. And I am treating her like she doesn't mean anything.
Like, obviously it means to me.
But... And that's the thing.
I know that I can show love and that I can show affection because I normally want to hug people, even if it's a man or...
I don't care, honestly.
I really want to show...
So that's even worse for your sister, right?
Because she sees you having strangers, but you won't hug her.
Yes, yes, yes. Your theory could be right.
I honestly don't remember that much of when I was a child.
But yeah.
you So part of the cruelty of hurting children is to isolate them.
So did you ever play sports much as a kid?
Yes, I used to play soccer.
I get that from the accent.
Alright, so... So you play soccer, right?
You're on a team, and you've got a good team of people who really care about you.
And you take a shot on goal, and you miss, right?
And you're like, oh, man, that's terrible, right?
And if you have good teammates, what do they do?
They tell you nothing happened.
Hey, you know, it's fine.
You gotta take a shot. Next time, you'll get it.
Like, they... They help you, they support you, right?
Does that make sense? Yeah, absolutely.
So One of the ways that parents are and I'm not saying your
mom is some monster I'm did this is just not conscious maybe but it's just the
way it plays out Is that if you hurt a child?
The way that you hurt the child the most is to make sure that nobody gives your child comfort
So if you think about being I don't know like a mean mom right
Thank you.
Bye-bye.
Now, if you hit your daughter and then you storm out and you go for a walk around the block and you come back and your son is crying and giving hugs To your daughter and saying, I love you, I'm so sorry this happened, it's not your fault. How do you feel as the parent?
Yeah. Yes.
How do you feel? As a parent?
Yeah. You come back, you hit your kid, and you realize that hitting your kid...
Is creating a very strong bond of sympathy between your daughter and your son.
Yeah, it's like betrayal.
Yeah, you'd be angry, upset.
You get away from her.
She did wrong.
She talked back. She was mean.
She dropped something. She defied me.
Don't give her comfort. And that's what I meant when I said you lied yourself with your mom, and you feared your mom's rage turning on you.
And listen, I sympathize with that.
I understand that, and I almost certainly would have done the same thing.
So this is not anything wrong or bad.
This is just what you had to do, I guess, right?
Yes. I mean, this is important, of course, for your relationship with your sister, but it's also important for your relationship with women and everyone, but women in particular, a future wife, mother of your children, right?
You need to understand why you got cold, because otherwise, won't you always be afraid that you're just going to get cold?
Yes. And if you have...
A woman, a quality woman, some great woman, smart, moral, and thoughtful, and kind.
She comes into your life, and she sees your relationship with your sister.
What's she going to think? That there is some hero with me.
Yeah, he, man, I mean, he's known this...
He's known his sister forever and ever.
Amen. And he's cold to her.
And she's pretty nice.
How will he act towards me?
Right. When the time goes by, yes.
Right, right. So I could know him for almost 20 years, and he could be mean to me too.
Yes. And again, listen.
Again, man to man, brother to brother, huge sympathy.
I don't want you to, oh, I'm so cold, I turned on my...
We survive as kids, right?
That's why we're all here.
All of the people who didn't survive didn't have any descendants, so we're all born of people who survived.
Now, the way that we evolved as a species was brutal towards children.
I mean, you think of the Aztecs or the native populations of New Zealand and Australia.
I mean, they literally did child sacrifice.
They killed children on a regular basis.
So we are the descendants of those who survived brutality, which meant that they choose survival over everything.
Now, of course, your mother wasn't some Aztec Priest who was sacrificing children with a stone knife.
But we still, we come from those genes.
And so, you, like me, like everyone else who's alive, is the descendants of people who chose survival over everything.
And we didn't take risks.
And we didn't anger if there were, and there always were, if there were violent people in charge of us, we didn't anger them.
Because if we did, our odds of survival went down quite a bit, right?
Yes. So, what you did was you survived, which is good.
And again, look, I'm not trying to say, well, if you had given comfort...
To your sister, your mother would have killed you.
I'm not trying to say anything, but we come from those genes because that happened regularly throughout human history.
Children got killed for defying their parents, or abandoned, or they didn't get enough food, or they didn't get much care when they got sick, or they were just the last to be rescued from whatever predators were around.
So whatever our parents do...
We'll do. And if your mother is like, hey man, unconsciously, or maybe it happened before you remember it, or maybe you don't remember it clearly, or maybe it didn't happen, it's just a theory, right?
But if your mother was like, no, no, don't give her comfort, she's bad.
Then you'd be like, okay, well I just saw my mother beat up my sister, and if I give my sister comfort, my mother will be angry at me, well, I have to survive.
So I'm not going to give my sister comfort.
Now, then later we feel like ashamed of all of that, but that's not the accurate thing.
I think. Because then you're just saying, well, I'm just cold and bad and I should have given comfort to my sister.
And you said you feel like crap, right?
Yes. Right. Now, but the person who's responsible is who?
My mother. And your father, because your father chose your mother to have children with.
Did your mother ever hit your sister in public?
Ummm...
That you remember?
Ummm...
you No, just I think it was Maybe grabbing the ear?
But not beating around the face?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Right. So your mother always had the capacity to not hit your sister because if you were in public, she didn't do it, right?
Yes. So your mother always chose to hit your sister.
She never had to. It wasn't like she got possessed by a demon or there was a seizure of some kind, right?
Like an epilepsy or she just...
She always chose to hit your sister, and she could have chosen to not hit your sister any time.
Yeah. So your mother indulged her violence.
She indulged her immorality.
It's evil to hit children.
It's evil to hit children.
Children are helpless and dependent and have no legal rights, can't get away.
They never chose to be in that relationship.
You mean my daughter didn't choose to have me as her father?
She didn't choose to be born?
And, of course, we all understand that if a man beats up his girlfriend, he's a bad guy, right?
Yes. But the girlfriend chose to be his girlfriend.
And she could leave any time.
She got full legal rights. Children don't have any of that.
We can't fight back, we can't get away, and we never chose to be there, right?
Yes. So, it's the worst thing is to harm children.
They have no rights, no freedom, can't fight back, can't get away, never chose to be there.
So your mother was deeply wrong for hitting your sister.
And whether she looked you in the eye and said, don't give her comfort or you're next, or whether you just kind of picked that up from a look, from a threat, Or just your survival instincts?
It's your mother who put you and your sister in that position and your father for choosing to have children with her.
Now, you could say, well, my father was brain damaged.
Okay, so we can cut him some slack, right?
But nonetheless, you and your sister were victims and your mother did not want you having an alliance.
Because you understand, if you give comfort to your sister, you're criticizing your mother.
Just by doing it.
I'm not sure if that makes sense to you.
Yes, yes, it does.
Because, right, if your sister's crying because your mother hit her and you're getting her a wet cloth to put on her face and giving her a hug and saying how sorry you are, then you were saying you're a victim, mom hit you, and mom did you wrong.
And you deserve comfort because you've been cruelly treated.
Does that make sense? Absolutely, yes.
So if you give your sister comfort when she was beaten as a child...
That makes your mother feel guilty.
Now how does your mother handle guilt when she feels guilty?
It's a question.
Yes. How does my mother handle guilt?
Yeah, so when your mother's done something wrong and somebody says, hey, well, you just did something wrong here.
Let's maybe get an apology.
Let's figure out what happened. But you really did something wrong here.
How does your mother handle that?
I mean, we all do things that are wrong, so...
She...
I think she doesn't...
She doesn't accept it at all.
Right. So she won't accept that she's done things wrong.
And if you... I don't know if anybody does, but if somebody were to push the issue and say, no, no, no, hang on.
Let's back up a little here.
There's no need to get so defensive like you really did something wrong here.
Let's talk about it. What would she do if somebody just kept...
Oh, yeah. Then probably, yes.
She would have to recognize.
I mean, I did...
So she would have to recognize? Sorry, go ahead.
I... Talked about some things.
I don't remember exactly what I talked about because I talked a lot with my mom about these years.
But I do remember talking to her about why did she marry someone that was an alcoholic.
And she kept like Throwing the blame to my uncle for telling us which.
I don't think it was wrong.
Oh my gosh, really?
So the only problem with her marrying an alcoholic was that someone told you that he was an alcoholic?
Yeah, exactly.
Okay, so what if you were to say to her, okay, this is really pathetic, right?
When I was a kid, mom, when I was a kid...
When I did something wrong, you expected me to confess to own it and not to just blame someone else, right?
You married an alcoholic. The problem is not that someone told us.
In fact, you should have told us.
In case we have the genes for alcoholism, we should know.
Like, you're incredibly irresponsible, Mom, for not telling us that her father was an alcoholic because there could be genetic aspects to it and we could end up the same way.
So, it's not about...
Our uncle, it's about you.
Now, if you put the responsibility back on your mother, how would she react?
I mean, she...
Last time...
This was, I think, last month, January, I believe.
Yes, it was last month.
I think it was a couple weeks ago.
And I told her about this.
She cried and I told her, well, you probably won't understand now, but...
I think you have the total responsibility to have told us about this a lot before.
Because it completely changes my perspective on my dad, right?
It's not like something, some minor detail.
And your mom! Yeah, yeah, exactly.
It's not some minor detail.
It's not a tattoo of my dad.
It's something that completely changed his behavior.
As a human. Okay, so your mother cried.
Oh, yes. Now, I don't know what they call it, where you're from, but where I'm from, we call that crocodile tears.
Yes, yes. Fake tears of self-pity, so you stop criticizing her.
Because then it becomes not about you being upset or angry, but your mother being sad.
Yes. Yeah, yeah.
That's a...
It's a shitty trick.
Absolutely. Unless I miss my guess.
Oh, yes, yes, you're right.
I mean, we both...
Okay, so if you say to Mom, Mom, this is about me, stop crying.
Stop crying. It's not about you.
Nah, I don't know.
We all know, we can play this game, but we all know what happens if your mother keeps being confronted.
What happens? Yeah, let me think, let me think.
I think she will keep going.
She would get angry. No, after the self-pity, after the manipulation, after the self-pity comes the anger.
Oh, maybe, yes, yes.
Yeah, you're right, yes. Yeah, yeah, probably.
Yeah. And we know this because she fights with your sister.
Your sister has criticisms and your mother gets angry, right?
Oh, yes. Um...
Well, man, um...
Can I tell you about my thoughts a little?
Yeah, yeah, listen, go for it, man.
It's your call. Yeah, whatever you like.
Um... Yeah, no, I'm thinking...
You're right, because...
I am, like...
Even though I don't respect her, I am on my mom's side.
Like, I never thought about it fully.
Like, I know it, but I didn't think consciously about it.
Well, I wouldn't say that you're on your mom's side.
I would say that the price of not being on your mom's side is risking a beating when you're a child.
Risking her doing to you what she did to your sister.
So it's not like you're on her side.
You know, it's like getting drafted into the army and you say, well, I'm really...
I'm pro-war.
It's like, no, you just got drafted.
Right? Yes, yes.
It's even...
I realize it when I tell you...
It's hard for me to tell to you the bad things about my mom because it's like...
I am...
Mentally, like, she's good.
She's a good mother. And I am, like, challenging that thought.
So, it's...
Sorry, sorry if I say...
No, no, listen. I want your feedback.
Like, you telling things is never to be sorry, right?
I'm glad. No, but so...
And listen, I understand. I'm sure there are good things about your mom.
Like, obviously, there are good things about your mom.
She's not all bad. She just did some bad things, as we all do.
But the problem is she's not taking responsibility.
But, so it's not, the question with me, and this is to do with my own family as well, so I want to make sure I keep that clear, is, am I free to disagree?
Right, so, you know, as women get stronger and stronger in society, what do we get?
We get deplatforming. Yeah.
People get kicked off all these platforms, right?
YouTube. Like you, you're from YouTube.
Well, YouTube and just about everywhere else, right?
So the question is, so am I free to disagree?
Now, with men, a lot of times, it's not always perfect, of course, right?
But with men, in general, we are free to disagree.
Men support free speech a lot more than women do.
Now, with women, though, a lot of times, again, not always, but a lot of times, we're not free to disagree.
And so, as women get more and more control and authority and social media and so on, you start to get these platforms, which is, you know, I disagree.
That society runs on bigotry and exploitation and the free market.
Like, am I free to disagree with the people who believe otherwise?
Well, no. Right. No.
So, in general, like, you and I have disagreed with each other over the course of this conversation.
It's been a good conversation.
Great conversation. But the question is, with regards to your mother, are you on her side or are you just punished for disagreeing?
I mean, I... I am not punished right now, but I feel bad.
Well, you're not disagreeing, though, because you're still cold towards your sister.
Yes, yes, right. If you are warm towards your sister and apologize...
See, it's tough to apologize to people if you don't know why you did what you did.
Because if you apologize to someone but you don't know why, let's say you say to your sister, I'm sorry I was so cold, but you don't know why you were cold...
Then it's probably just going to happen again.
And if you apologize to someone for something, and then you do it again, that's really bad, right?
Apologies have to include knowledge of why it happened.
And that way, you can have it not happen again.
Like, apologies have to be not just, I'm sorry for what happened, but I won't do it again.
Now, if you don't know, and this is why I'm digging around all the bottom here, it's like if you don't know why you're cold towards your sister, then if you go and apologize to her, then you end up cold again.
Well, that's probably going to be it, right?
Because she's not going to trust your future apologies or your, right?
It has to be a total change.
Yeah, I actually never apologized to her.
No, I know. I know, but if you do apologize to her, and of course I hope that you will, But if you do apologize to her, you have to know why you were cold so that you can stay warm to her, right?
Yes, yes, yes. Right, so I'll give you sort of an example, right?
So let's say, I mean, we can talk about your dad, right?
Like your biological dad.
So let's just go with the theory that he, I mean, he was an alcoholic, and let's say he was an alcoholic because he didn't deal with some bad stuff that happened as a child.
Like a lot of people become addicts because they were harmed as children and they don't deal with it, right?
Right. So let's say, you know, your father was still alive, and he'd been an alcoholic, and he says, man, I'm so sorry I was drunk throughout your childhood.
That's terrible. I know now, like, I've been going to therapy, and I know now that I was drunk because I was beaten up as a child, and I never dealt with it, and I used the alcohol to numb the pain.
So now I'm dealing with it, I'm in therapy, and so, you know, I really have a good shot of never drinking again, because I'm dealing with the source problem, right?
Yes. So, if your father just said, well, I'm really sorry for being a drunk, and then gets drunk the next week, that's really bad, right?
Yes, yes. So, all apologies have to include, I know why it happened.
Yeah, so it won't happen again, or at least it's unlikely to happen again.
Or, if, see, and you say this, well, like if you say, well, listen, I was cold to you because I was frightened of being beaten up by mom, if I was kind to you.
Now, if then, if you give her this knowledge, you're also giving her the right and the power to call you out.
So if you are cold to her in a month, she's going to know why.
Well, you've been spending too much time around mom, you're aligning with mom again, which means you have to be cold towards me, so you need to, like, she can then call you out on why it's happening, and you can be like, oh my gosh, thank you, you're right, I lost track of that, I'm so sorry again, I really appreciate you calling me out, and you can solve it and be warm towards her again.
Does that make sense? Yeah, absolutely.
So that's why you gotta know why.
I am being like, I don't know, but my whole brain is changing right now.
Well, that's philosophy, man.
That's what we do.
That's what we do. Yeah, yeah.
That's what we do. No, and listen, I bet you haven't written a whole lot of love songs yet.
Sorry, how? What did you say?
In your music? Have you written a lot of passionate love songs?
Oh, no, no, no. I do commercial music.
Right, so maybe you warm your heart up and you can get some love songs out.
Oh, yes, yes, I am planning to do that.
I listen to a lot of love songs, actually.
Okay, good, good. Yes, like most of my playlists are love songs.
Right. So...
If it is the case that the price of not being beaten up by your mother was coldness towards your sister, then you have an answer that is not, well, I'm just a cold, bad guy who didn't support my sister.
Because then you just, instead of attacking your mother, you then just start attacking yourself and your mom gets off scot-free.
Yeah, you...
I know I'm not cold.
I can show...
Affection to people.
I know it. Well, you're showing emotion with me.
Yes, exactly. I just don't know why I can't because I feel it's...
I can't just lie and hug her and not feeling it.
It feels... But sometimes you can hug her and see how you feel afterwards.
Oh, yes. Right?
Talk when I want to. Right, right.
Yeah, and listen, we don't have to talk much longer because I'd rather you talk with your sister.
But yeah, I think that's, you know, seeing your sibling get beaten, again, I'm aware that it was intermittent and so on, but it was, you know, pretty intense a couple of times a week when it happened.
But seeing a sibling...
Have you ever seen these little videos and...
It's a kid who won't eat his vegetables, and what the parents do is they pretend to slap around a stuffed toy that looks like the kid, and then the kid eats his vegetables.
Or they do this thing where there's a bowl full of dog food and the dog's really hungry and then they have a stuffed dog or pretend dog like a kid's dog toy and they have the kid's dog toy pretend to eat the food and then it falls over and looks dead and then the dog will walk away from the food because he thinks the food is poisonous.
So you can control people by controlling others.
And you, I mean, did you go through a big fighting, rebellious phase with your mom?
Yes, yes, yes, absolutely.
I am, I was planning on moving out and all this stuff because I can, I just feel like I can keep being here, living here, honestly.
And is that getting into like yelling matches with your mom and stuff?
No, no, I don't fight often with her.
Okay, so you didn't get into a big rebellious fight with your mom, right?
Like your sister did?
No. Right.
And the reason for that is because you had to align with your mother in order to avoid the fate of your sister, in order to avoid what happened to your sister.
So your sister is fighting with your mother, but you're staying cold to your sister Okay.
Rather than fight with your mother because you saw your mother beat up your sister.
So you're like, okay, whatever mom needs, I'll do that, right?
Yes. And your mom needed you to be cold to your sister, so in order to survive you had to obey that.
Okay. Yes, I would definitely...
I mean, I have to buy some clothes because I got invited to a friend's house and I would probably, no, I would probably, no, I would take my sister with me to buy and I would talk with her, definitely, right now.
Well, I hope so, yeah. I mean, I think you can feel closer to your sister.
I think you'll feel less lonely in your life.
Because if you don't know why you're cold to your sister, and you know it's one of these wild things that happened,
I guess it was an hour or 20 minutes ago or whatever, where I said, you seem kind of cold to your sister,
and that changed the whole conversation, right?
So if you can deal with that, I think that you'll feel less isolated,
and you will be able to trust yourself to bond with other people in a relationship,
and I think that'll be good.
And also, if you do feel bad deep down or carry this secret guilt that's going to keep you distant from people, right?
Guilt keeps us isolated in very tough ways.
Yes. Okay.
Yeah, every time you read the topic, I cry.
Right, right, right. I'm just...
I don't know how to... I was going to ask you about this because I was with this girl about my relationship, right?
Oh, the one you had for a couple of months, right?
Yes. Yeah, and I have the theory.
I just got with this girl because I just felt lonely and not because I like her at all.
And it really...
I accepted a lot of things that I wouldn't normally with like friends and she didn't want to see me and she got a lot of cold attitudes.
The last time I saw her, her family invited me to dinner and I talked a lot with her family and she just ignored me basically.
I don't know why I didn't end the relationship right then, because I wasn't really, like, really...
I don't know how to say it, but emotionally.
And, yeah.
I don't know, honestly, how to deal with that, because I feel like I kind of miss her, but I know that I don't, actually.
Well, you might just want to not be alone, right?
Yes. Yes.
I mean, you've been isolated to some degree by stuff that happened with you as a child, and now you're a little bit isolated, I assume, by your success and all of that, so you may have the great danger, which is, I'd rather be with somebody not right than alone.
Yes. Now, isn't that...
That's aligning with your mother, right?
I mean, she's with this relationship with this 60-year-old guy.
They break up three times.
The relationship isn't great.
So she'd rather be with someone than be alone, right?
She'd rather be with someone that's not great rather than be alone, right?
Yes, absolutely. So if you're lying with your mother, you're going to end up in bad relationships because she did.
Oh, yes. Oh, my God, yes.
Yeah. So, okay.
I think it was it.
Thank you so much.
Oh, you're welcome, man. I appreciate your openness and I appreciate your honesty and it's a great call and I'm glad that we had a chance to chat.
Yeah, man. You probably don't know this, man.
I mean, you probably know, but this will change a lot.
Yes, and listen, big hugs to your sister too.
Like, I mean, I'm really sorry about what happened to her as a little girl.
That's very tough. That's very tough.
And massive sympathy for you as well.
I don't want you to come out of this feeling like a cold, bad guy.
You did what you had to do to survive.
You did what your mother made you do.
As a kid, we don't have free will, right?
We don't have choices. So, just my massive sympathy to you both, and I hope that you can find You know, I always think siblings should be like, I don't know, like if you've ever read or watched Lord of the Rings, like Frodo and Samwise, right? Like, just struggling through childhood but loyal to each other no matter what.
And I think that if you can get that, I think you'll break through some of this isolation that you feel and really be able to connect with good people.
Yeah, right. Okay, thank you so much.
You're welcome, brother. Keep me posted about how it's going, all right?
Okay, thank you so much.
Congratulations again. Take care.
Bye. Thank you.
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