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Jan. 11, 2021 - Freedomain Radio - Stefan Molyneux

01:28:00

Want a happy girlfriend? ALWAYS STAND UP TO YOUR MOTHER!

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	James, if you'd like to do the intro, I'd be happy to hear.
	So tonight we have a caller who writes, Steph, last week I basically got fired for my online display of my worldviews in extreme opposition to masks and lockdowns.
	I've already lined up a new job in a better location with more pay.
	I'm all set, and life goes on so I'm not dwelling on it.
	What I am dwelling on is my father's response to this.
	I live states away and am independent from him financially, but we call each other usually about twice a month.
	He's a self-made man who came from nothing and worked really hard to get to the place he's at today, which I've really learned to respect, admire, and be inspired by.
	He says that he's viciously opposed to and disagrees with all of the demoralizing of the West happening right now.
	We talk about it all the time, and he seems genuinely aware of the communistic monster that's being disguised as protection over health against a deadly virus.
	Which is what made his response to what happened with my job so hard for me to understand.
	This is what he said when he found out.
	Your social media isn't that hard to find.
	Plus, your face is all over it.
	If you think logically, you work in a high-risk environment.
	These companies that own facilities like the one you work at must take every precaution to protect their residents.
	If they have an outspoken employee that doesn't believe in the protocol that is required to protect the residents, then they have to look into it.
	You have to conform to the rules laid down, even if you don't agree with them.
	The only way out is to be self-employed.
	Even then, you have to conform to rules laid down by authority.
	I know there's a little bit of truth in that statement, but I'm really torn on how to approach him about this going forward, because I don't feel we disagree with most of the tyranny, but he seems to be validating it.
	And I don't know what to do to show him the error of his thinking, and the importance for me to continue to be outspoken about it in like-minded communities, both online and in person.
	Hmm.
	I just saw that Parler has been removed from the Google Play Store, and I think that Apple is threatening to remove it as well.
	So, yeah, it's a cultural coup, right?
	They're just furthering the divide.
	And I guess this is all the healing and reconciliation that was promised.
	So, listen, I don't want to trip necessarily a landmine for you, but what are some of the biggest and best arguments about masks that you've come across?
	Well, I mean, I like to do what I call a real-world assessment, because there's a lot of things that we can learn online.
	And I have learned a lot online.
	There's several people that I follow who just specifically focus on all of the studies that have gone in the direction of masks, don't do much to help.
	But my main argument is the real-world argument.
	Reality in everything around me, and I think about what's going on and how I see it, because that's the best thing that you can do to find out information, I think.
	You can't deny things that you see happening, and maybe there's a lot of different places in the world, but a lot of what I see is just, it's not people getting sick and just dropping dead like they made it seem like at first.
	I see a lot of people Who, like, just, they excessively go with the narrative, like, my former boss, he was, like, so what happened was they changed from the face mask to the face mask plus the face shield.
	And I don't know if you've ever seen that, but it looks so ridiculous, and that's the point where I was like, okay, I get that I work with the elderly, but I was like, I'm not gonna wear the face mask and the face shield.
	Like, they kept trying to, you know, make me do it.
	But the crazy part of this whole scenario is, like, there's a little bit of a question, like, maybe, I don't know, two weeks ago?
	Maybe longer? I'm not sure.
	But, like, what's happened since then is I got a phone call from, like, my boss's boss, and I basically got removed from the account I was at.
	She called me on, like, my personal memory and was like, hey, listen, how you feel about COVID is how I feel about COVID. And then she told me, like, hey, I got an opportunity for you.
	You can, like, be, like, a traveling manager.
	You can leave this account. So it kind of, like, didn't actually backfire, which is really surprising.
	So that part of the whole situation makes it kind of different.
	So I just wanted to include that as well.
	Right. No, I mean, I've heard from some people on the left that they're happy to agree with me in private, or they find the arguments that I make interesting in private, but, you know, they just can't...
	They just can't do that, right?
	Yeah. So...
	Okay, so what do you think the story is with your dad?
	I think he gets worried.
	I think it's like a fear of like me calling him like, hey, I just, you know, screwed up my whole life.
	I'm coming home. Can I come live with you and all your grandkids?
	Because he supports my oldest sister.
	She's like, I think, 35.
	And she's like, got two kids and she, you know, homeschools them.
	And he's basically like the granddad slash dad to the kids because there's no like father in him.
	It's kind of a weird scenario, but then my other sister had a baby in prison, and my family's really kind of like crazy, and then that baby also lives at that house, and so, yeah, like I just don't want to go there either.
	It's not like I'm trying to go and help make that any worse than it already is.
	It's not bad. It's a good household to be in, but it's like it's really complicated as far as grandkids go, and And it's just not the normal setup.
	But I think his fear is me calling him and saying, hey, I gotta come home because I just spoke out against the things that I disagree with.
	And he's like, oh, shit, you know?
	Oh, so you think he thinks that there may be some, you know, you're going to end up dependent on him financially or something like that?
	That's my most, like, that's my best guess.
	Ah, your best guess.
	Now, have you asked him directly?
	I'm not. But, you know, now that I'm in this situation, it has kind of resolved.
	But, like, with what you were talking about yesterday on DLive, like, really struck a chord with me.
	I really, really enjoyed...
	No, it wasn't yesterday. It was Wednesday.
	But I really enjoyed this stream.
	And, like, what I was curious about, kind of to, like...
	Because, like I said, the question is, like, a few weeks old.
	But to, like, kind of shift, like, into, like, what's more...
	relevant now is kind of like what's going on with Trump and everything.
	I think that there's a point in time a couple months back where I was kind of I kind of fell for it.
	I kind of got trapped in that whole Trump logic where I was like, yeah, this is a thing that's important.
	And then what I realized in my current mindset is I think it was all this whole time to get people like me to that point.
	And I've kind of blocked out my sister and past friends because they're so far left.
	And I kind of became a person who did exactly what I think was intended to happen from this whole Trump-Biden thing.
	And I just disconnected with important.
	But what you said yesterday was really, really interesting about how it's really important.
	And if you really care, you've got to have those hard conversations.
	And I kind of want to figure out how to do that with the people who I've pushed away.
	You know, like my mom and my sister.
	Because I don't really talk to my family, and I think maybe I should.
	You know what I mean? So talk to your family about what, in particular?
	Completely just, we don't talk.
	Because of the arguments we've had and the times that they call me a conspiracy theorist and this and that.
	Like, I don't have...
	Like, it gets pretty bad every time I try to bring it up with those people.
	And what happens if you bring up, you know, the reason and evidence that you believe?
	Well, basically...
	Yeah, go ahead. I'm sorry, say again?
	I get an emotional outburst.
	My mom is really sensitive.
	She'll cry about it.
	She'll tell me that she's just so heartbroken about it.
	I want to be able to restore it.
	My dad has completely blocked off my whole other half of the family.
	I don't know what to do with...
	I don't ever see them.
	I think family is pretty important.
	I think I've gotten to the point where I want to try to mend things with those people, but with what's going on right now, I want to also be passionate about that, and I don't think that's a bad thing.
	You know what I mean? I don't know what you mean, because it's all too general to have any judgment about.
	But let's go back to your mom.
	You said your mom is very sensitive?
	Yes. So, what do you mean by sensitive?
	I mean, so if I bring up something about how I feel about, like, how, you know, she loves mainstream news.
	She just, like, eats it like popcorn.
	You know, it's her favorite thing in the world.
	So whenever she does that, like, I just kind of, like, it makes it really hard for me to, like, To take her seriously.
	And I bring up stuff, and I really try to dig deep.
	And she just asks me, who is this person who said this?
	And how are they credible in the subject?
	They're not mainstream news.
	And she'll start to cry if I bring it up, because I get kind of passionate about it.
	Because I don't want her to be so misled.
	But she's a journalism major, and she's got so much invested in it.
	And I think she's just so indoctrinated.
	And I'll tell her that, too.
	But she just gets so...
	Sad about it that I don't bring it up.
	But where we're heading as a country, I think it's kind of important to talk about the stuff that people care about.
	Sorry, I'm not sure why you think she's sensitive.
	That's what I'm trying to sort of fathom, if that makes sense.
	Because it seems to me that if she's just using emotional manipulation to shut you up, I'm happy to be corrected.
	I just don't see how that's sensitive.
	No, maybe that's exactly what I need to hear, because I really don't know.
	It's been a lifetime of that, where if it's something that she disagrees with me on a deep level, she'll cry about it.
	I do feel pretty guilty sometimes, so that's why I don't talk to her about the important stuff.
	Okay, so when you bring something up that she doesn't like, or that troubles her, she gets emotional, and then you stop talking about it, right?
	Yes. Right.
	So, it works.
	Yes, I guess it does.
	So, that's not sensitivity.
	That's just a winning strategy, isn't it?
	I mean, she pretends to be sensitive or upset or whatever, right?
	But that's the old Warren Farrell statement, right?
	That a man's weakness is his facade of strength, but a woman's strength is her facade of weakness.
	I've never heard that, but I like that.
	I like that a lot. It's very true, right?
	I mean, that women, by pretending to be hurt and upset, you know, men can move mountains for all of that, right?
	That's true. So, you know, so you have this thing, well, my mom's so sensitive that I don't want to upset her, and it's like, but if you bring up information that upsets her, and then she gets upset, and then you stop talking about it, then you've just, she just got what she wanted, which is for you to stop talking about that stuff,
	right? So, I mean, if you just, I'm just telling you from my perspective, the first thing I look at with most people, not with you, not with most of the people who listen to the show, certainly not with friends, not with family, and all of that, but When I meet most people, I'm looking for a transactional analysis.
	A transactional analysis.
	What I mean by that is, it's not a particular moral issue that people are going to make their decisions on.
	They are going to, in an amoral fashion, for the most part, they're going to try and do what works.
	If that makes sense.
	Yeah. It does, but I don't know where to go from there, because it's not just these people.
	Even my dad, we kind of bond, but he's a super Trump guy.
	I don't know. Also, I started this group online, and it's been really cool.
	I've been meeting some really cool people to talk about this kind of stuff with, but then it makes him think I'm going to get arrested or something.
	I organized a maskless shopping trip.
	A couple weeks ago, and it made some people super pissed off, but I've been disconnected from all these things that I do and that I care about from people who I care about for a long time now, and I don't know how to combine the two.
	Well, you can't.
	No, no, hang on. You can't.
	Yeah. Because you can't make choices for other people.
	You can attempt to influence them, right?
	You can try to Give them the facts, reason, and evidence that they need to make a good decision, but you can't make that decision.
	You wouldn't have a relationship with someone if you could just, in a sense, stick your hand up their back and turn them into a puppet, right?
	In other words, if you could control their free will, they wouldn't be choosing you and it wouldn't be a relationship because they wouldn't have any choice at all, right?
	I guess so, but...
	I'm also starting to feel like I need some more of this real-life meaning.
	Maybe I don't. Maybe I don't.
	There's a lot of uncertainty.
	I see things going in the world the way they're going.
	I don't know if I'm crazy, but it really looks like it's going downhill.
	I'm not trying to blame the outer world on any of those problems.
	The problems aren't that bad. I'm pretty grateful for that.
	There's things that, if they do go bad, I'm just worried about some of the people because I guess I care about them, you know, because I don't want them to be led astray, but they're probably going to.
	Okay, so do they care about you in terms of are they willing to listen to the arguments that you make?
	It doesn't mean you're always right any more than I'm always right or anyone's always right, but do they care about you?
	Because, listen, man, affection without reciprocity is just exploitation.
	So tell me how your mother or your father, I mean, let's start with your mom.
	How does your mom show that she cares about you?
	And I don't just mean she's worried about you.
	I mean, she cares about you, what you think, what you feel, the arguments that you make, why you think, what you think.
	How does your mom show that she cares about you?
	I mean, like, kind of cliche, like, texts, like, hey, I really wish you were here.
	Or, like, photos from, like, childhood, like, remember when we did this?
	And I'm like, yeah, I do remember that, because I was close to her growing up and everything.
	She was a lot more emotional on the surface than my dad, so I was really...
	So there's sentimentality there, and that's sweet, and that's nice.
	I've got no complaints about that.
	But in terms of caring about you in the here and now...
	I mean, I don't know if there's a whole lot, but I mean, that goes for everyone.
	That's the thing that's kind of hard to like...
	I mean, I guess I don't know if it's like the most important thing in the world, but it's like...
	Okay, let me ask you a question, right?
	You were just job hunting, right? So let's say there's five employers out there and they offer you a range of salary from $50,000 to $70,000, right?
	Now, if you are very happy to take the least salary, will you ever get the most salary?
	In other words, if you take the $50,000, will you ever in that moment or in that day, will you ever get the salary of $70,000?
	No. No.
	So, in that instance, and this is obviously an analogy for something much larger, you will only get ever in life, you will only ever get the bare minimum Of what you're willing to settle for.
	You'll never get more. In other words, if you're going to put up with bad relationships, you'll never get good relationships.
	If you're going to put up with low pay, you'll never get high pay.
	If you'll put up with driving a crappy car, you'll never get a better car.
	Yeah. So, the relationships that you have...
	The lowest, cheapest, least intimate, most manipulative, most bullshit relationship that you have, that's all you'll ever get in life.
	And I'm not trying to pick on your mom.
	This is the general principle here.
	You will never do better than your lowest common denominator.
	Now, What do you want in your relationships?
	What do you want from a girlfriend, a wife, the mother of your children?
	What is it that you want in your relationships in the future?
	I think it's reality.
	Because, like, that's another thing with, like, girls in my life.
	I kind of go through experiences where, like, I'll have, like, a long-term girlfriend and it'll kind of, like, collapse and crumble.
	And what sucks is that, like, I feel like the thing that I'm seeking is, like, somebody, like, who...
	Because I've had both ends of the spectrum.
	Like, the person who is just, like, so...
	Like, phony baloney, like, I agree with what you think, and I totally see it the world this way.
	And then you realize, like, no matter who you are, that person's going to, like, mold themselves to be that way.
	And that's so good.
	But also, the other end, where it's like, okay, at first it seems cool, but then you realize none of your passions or interests are, like, aligned with each other at all, and they're not even pretending to.
	And I think that realness is, like, what I'm...
	Because I have to fake it with so many people, and I'm so tired of faking it, you know what I mean?
	Because with work and everything, you've got to be like somebody, you've got to be charismatic and, hey, I'm working here, so you can't show up and be like, hey, everybody, you know the world's going to end, or else they wouldn't want you to work there.
	Oh, and that's only going to get worse over the next year.
	Yeah. With the U.S. economy, what did it shed, 100,000 jobs or more just in December?
	And of course, everyone's saying, oh, but it's coronavirus catching up.
	It's like, no, no, no, no, no.
	It's politics. Come on.
	Come on. You think a lot of people are going to start a lot of businesses under Biden?
	I don't think so.
	I don't think so.
	So yeah, this putting up the fake front is only going to get worse.
	So... You want reality, truth, curiosity, honesty in your relationships, right?
	And I'm very heavily lacking it.
	Right. Right.
	So, imagine this.
	Imagine your girlfriend, who's deep, wonderful, philosophical, connected, real, and meaningful, Comes to visit your mom with you, right?
	And you're in the room with your mom, maybe a little bit on one side of the spectrum, and with your girlfriend, or fiance maybe, kind of on the other side of the spectrum, right?
	What is your girlfriend going to see in you?
	Probably a little bit of disingenuous behavior.
	She's going to see you shallowing out a little bit, right?
	Appeasing and laughing and staying on the surface and that kind of stuff, right?
	Of course, but my mom's always a pretty apparent dislike for the girls that I've been with.
	Okay, hang on. Let's stay with this.
	We'll get your mom and the girlfriend and we'll get your dad.
	Stay with this for a sec, okay? So you need to see things from a woman's perspective.
	You need to see things. Okay.
	First of all, first iron rule of women, okay?
	Women can't fool women.
	Right? Everybody repeat after me.
	You don't have to. Women can't fool women.
	Iron law. So...
	You may be like, oh, my mom sends me all these sweet pictures with a child and do you remember doing this?
	And that's going to be all sweet for you because you've got a history with your mom and you care about your mom.
	I'm not trying to stand between you and that.
	But what's going to happen is your girlfriend is going to come and meet your mom and she's going to have your mom's number down to the last detail in about 4.8 seconds.
	Women can't fool women.
	So, your fiancé is going to sit in the room, sit in the dining room table, whatever it is, with you and your mom, and she's going to see you performing all these tricks to appease your mom, right?
	And she's going to figure out, your mom, you know, basically, here's what happens.
	We men, we're like retarded puppies.
	We're just running around the world, panting for approval and begging to be liked and this, that, and the other.
	But you know what women do in general?
	Women turn and wink at each other over us.
	So in a way, you've got to figure it out from your girlfriend's perspective.
	Your mom is going to be looking over at your girlfriend, she's going to wink at your girlfriend, and she's going to mouth, I own him.
	And I own him with manipulation.
	I own him with sentimentality.
	I own him with history.
	But I own him, honey.
	Wink, wink. And she's going to get that message, you know.
	That's what women do, is they understand other women.
	That's one of their main things.
	And like, we're all out there hunting and figuring out the world and building bridges and going to Mars, and women are out there figuring out mostly other women, right?
	Which is why all these female-owned and female-operated and female-centric businesses all tend to collapse, right?
	Because everybody's sussing each other all the time and there's not as much productive work.
	And listen, wonderfully productive women out there, tons of exceptions.
	This is just a bell curve here, right?
	So, your girlfriend is going to come over I'm going to see you jumping up and down like a puppy dog to get your mom's approval.
	And your mom's going to be winking at your girlfriend saying, I own him, honey.
	I own him.
	Now, what's your girlfriend going to think?
	If this scenario, which I think is true, right?
	If it is true, what will your girlfriend think then?
	Less of me. Maybe.
	Maybe. Well, yes, to some degree for sure, but that's a very male perspective, right?
	In other words, you're thinking about status, but that's not what women think about.
	She'll probably think less of you, but that's not going to be her major concern.
	Well, I don't know.
	I'm not sure what it would be.
	Well, I'll tell you. Women...
	See relationships tunneling into the future pretty much to infinity.
	So your girlfriend is going to look at your mom, winking over you, saying, I own him, honey.
	Don't even try. Don't even try.
	I own him. Now she's going to look forward and she's going to say, okay, so if I date this guy, we get married, we have kids, the mom's going to be over all the time.
	All the time. Now, the only authority I can possibly have in this family is going to be through my husband, through you, right?
	That's the only authority she's ever, because she's an outsider, right?
	So the only authority, because listen, she's going to think there's going to be times when my mother-in-law and I are going to disagree, and sometimes it could be kind of significant, right?
	Now, the only authority I'm ever going to have in this relationship is through who again?
	Hope. I'm sorry?
	My mom? Yeah, so the only authority she's ever going to have in her relationship with your mom is through who?
	Me. Yeah, that's right, through you.
	So she's going to look at you deferring to your mother and she's going to say, if I get married, he's going to defer to her.
	And I'm never going to have any sway, any juice, any authority, any credibility in this family, ever.
	Because the only way I'm going to gain credibility is if my husband stands up for me, even if it means at the cost of his mother in the short run.
	So she looks forward to decades of seeing you vanish and appease, having no authority And the mom kind of smiling at her like, yeah, I won.
	And I'll always win.
	If you want to attract a quality woman, you have to, have to, have to be willing to oppose your mother because she knows that's the only way she's ever going to have any say in her own future in this family.
	So I want to...
	to kind of tie that into this this is something i've been thinking about as you're saying this is so my um everybody you know i have three sisters and then so there's two of my sisters have had uh kids like one of them has two and the other one is sorry yeah one of them has two and then the other one has one and none of the um none of the kids are being raised like by their biological parents i mean like my sister she um She's fully dependent.
	She doesn't have a job. Why are we talking about your sisters?
	Help me understand. We're trying to talk about you and your future, and I'm happy to be dragged off the sister path, but I don't know why.
	I'm just asking how that would tie in, because none of their biological...
	No, no, we're talking about you. Why are we talking about your sisters now?
	Because my mom is saying that this drives away a partner, you know?
	Yes. Why are we talking about stuff in the past with your sisters?
	We're talking about your future.
	That's fine. I was just curious if that was tied into it at all.
	So you want me to talk about your sister's ex-husbands rather than your future wife?
	I will. I absolutely will.
	If you want to change the topic from you to your sisters, you need to give a brother a break and tell me what the hell you're doing.
	That wasn't my intention. My intention was just to say that.
	Because they have the same mother, so I didn't know if that was related to what you're saying, you know?
	As far as...
	Oh, you think that... Okay, so is the thread here that maybe this is what happened to their boyfriends?
	Yes. Essentially, yes.
	Okay, okay. See, just help a brother out, right?
	We don't have eye contact here.
	I can't see you, obviously, right?
	So... If you're going to change the topic from you to someone else, and we're going to go from your future to their past, just tell me what the hell's going on, because otherwise I'm like, where are we going here, right?
	No, that wasn't my intention.
	I apologize. Well, so, men, I obviously don't know what happened with your sisters and their exes, but my guess would be something like this.
	that your sisters and the mother combined to the point where the men couldn't have any say and men and women get kind of tired of that situation and tend not to stick around yeah that didn't mean to reflect or anything and and the way to test this the way to test this is
	There's no point putting forward a proposition About things that happened without any empirical evidence.
	So let me ask you this.
	In your family, when or how often do the men get to be right?
	Usually never.
	Never.
	Thank you.
	Thank you.
	I'd say maybe 1% of the time.
	Maybe 1%?
	Okay, so are the women in your family married to complete morons?
	They're not married at all.
	No, but your mom is.
	Oh, no, she's not. Oh, they divorced?
	Okay, so did they marry complete morons?
	Because if you're with someone and they're right only 1% of the time and you're right 99% of the time, it's because they're a complete idiot, right?
	You'd think so, yeah. One would assume.
	But they're not, right? The men in your family, I mean, you're a smart guy.
	I assume your dad's a smart guy.
	So, yeah, smart guys, right?
	I hope so. I like to think so, yeah.
	If you're listening to this show, you're top 1% easy, right?
	And you're processing and navigating pretty complex stuff in this conversation.
	So, yeah, you're fine for all of that.
	Okay. This is a fundamental question.
	If you as a man can't easily think of times where you're in the right, you're screwed.
	Your relationship is screwed and you need to act like your house is on fire, like right now.
	And you're going to have to wrestle for equality.
	And it's going to be a fight.
	Because women, again, this is generalizations, doesn't apply to...
	But women really, really like to be right, and yet end up about as unhappy as you can be if they are continually, quote, right.
	Right is like a drug for them, right?
	I mean, it feels good, but it destroys your life.
	So women will work very hard to be in the right, and they might pout, they might slam doors, they might whatever, right?
	Withhold sex or affection.
	They might really work hard to be in the right.
	But if a woman gets to be continually in the right, the relationship ends.
	Do you know why? What?
	Can you guess? I mean, you've lived this, right?
	You've seen a whole bunch of these relationships with these cocksure women.
	It doesn't continue.
	Yeah, that's another way of saying it ends.
	But why? Because of a lack of taking initiative to stand for what you believe in.
	Okay, kind of generic.
	What is it that the women end up missing the most?
	Something along the lines of strength and...
	The wording is slipping my mind right now.
	Can you just give me your answer?
	Sure, sure. It's just my answer, right?
	It's not the answer, right?
	So, a woman has a choice.
	There's an old song by Simple Minds Don't you forget about me.
	Do you remember that one? Oh, I love that song.
	Yeah, it's a good song, right? I mean, I kind of do.
	Right. So, I won't hurt you or touch your defenses.
	Vanity, insecurity.
	Vanity, insecurity, right?
	I always remember that. Just as two little words.
	It was quite a rabbit's hole for me when I was younger.
	Now, the woman has a choice in a relationship.
	Now, The temptation is vanity, and vanity means I'm always right.
	That's the temptation is vanity, that I'm just so superior, I'm always right.
	Now, if she pursues that goal of vanity and claims that she's always right and bullies people who she disagrees with either overtly or covertly, either aggressively or passive-aggressively through playing the victim, which is what I sussed out with your mom perhaps earlier, If she pursues vanity, she loses security.
	For a woman to feel secure, particularly if she has children, she needs to feel that the man is strong.
	But if she's always right, the man is weak.
	So she can't be secure if she pursues the vanity of always being right.
	She'll enjoy the vanity for a short amount of time, but she's choking the living shit out of the relationship.
	She will not feel secure.
	Why is women's anxiety so high these days?
	Because the way that you destroy relationships is you put forward a cultural and artistic narrative that women are always right and men are kind of dumb.
	That wrecks relationships.
	You couldn't engineer a better way to destroy relationships.
	Monogamous, long-term relationships than to continually praise women as being in the right and portray men as kind of dumb.
	Because that feeds the worst beast in women, which is vanity.
	It feeds the worst beast in men, which is deferral to the female.
	And the woman gets high on vanity and then...
	She gets terrible anxiety because she doesn't feel protected in the vulnerable situation of being a mother.
	She doesn't feel protected.
	She has terrible anxiety. With the anxiety comes an increased sex drive and a desire to have an affair, to attach to another man who is going to be strong enough that she doesn't feel anxious.
	Nothing is more joyful than a secure and protected woman, in my experience.
	So that's why I wanted to know how often the men were right.
	With your sisters, to tie this in, your sisters combined with your mom choked off any possibility of equality with the men because the men were basically, you know, the joke that women make, you know, here are my three children, she says, pointing at her two children and her husband, right? And we men, we will often fall into this self-deprecating humor and it can be funny, but man, you got to assert.
	It's not healthy for the woman, for yourself.
	Look, women have to assert, too.
	Assert your needs, assert your preferences, assert your pleasures.
	But as a man, if you buy peace and feed the woman's vanity by pretending that she's always right, you're going to destroy that relationship.
	And it can be a pretty...
	Big fight for a man to try and...
	You don't try. You don't try to be assertive, right?
	There is...
	This is from an old...
	Gosh, Perry Schneiderman?
	I can't remember. There was an acting teacher.
	And when we were studying acting, people would...
	Try to summon these emotions.
	You'd have some big scene where you're supposed to be crying or laughing or angry.
	People would work themselves into a frenzy.
	It's called pushing. You push the emotion out.
	It's kind of uncomfortable to watch, right?
	And so I remember one of the actors in the theater school, and this is the premier theater school in Canada.
	This isn't some, you know, basement acting studio guy.
	This is like the national theater school.
	They take like 1% of people who apply.
	It's top tier. So these are very good acting teachers, right?
	And there was this guy, he was trying to do this scene, and you could see him trying to work himself into tears, right?
	And the acting teacher said, stop, stop, stop.
	You never wanted to hear that.
	Stop, stop, stop. He said, what are you doing?
	He said, well, I'm trying to cry.
	And he said, the acting teacher said, that's not how it works in life.
	In life, most times, particularly as a man, you're trying not to cry.
	Right? And he said, nobody in life tries to cry.
	That's not how life, I mean, unless you're a horribly manipulative person, right?
	You're trying to summon tears or you're a toddler trying to pretend, you know, the fake cry to get attention or whatever, right?
	He said, nobody tries to cry.
	Crying just happens. And the guy didn't understand.
	And he understood it intellectually, but, you know, the acting teacher wanted to make sure he got it emotionally.
	And the guy was sitting. He said, okay.
	He said, let me explain it to you this way.
	He said, I want you to stand up.
	Guy stood up. He said, okay, I want you to sit down.
	He sat down. He said, okay, now I want you to try to stand up.
	It was kind of this pause.
	What? Try to stand up.
	And he said, what, you mean like I'm paralyzed or in a wheelchair?
	No, no, no. Just as you are, try to stand up.
	And of course, it was kind of, and so eventually he wrestled himself to a standing position and the acting teacher said, okay, now I want you to try to sit down.
	And then he got it, right?
	It's like, okay, so I'm either sitting down or I'm not sitting down.
	I don't try to sit down. So he said, look, you either do the work and then the emotions come or they don't.
	But don't force it. Don't push.
	It's uncomfortable for the audience.
	And it's, you know, you're not in the scene anymore, right?
	And it's the same thing with assertiveness.
	Don't try to be assertive.
	If you believe that you're right and you believe that your girlfriend and your wife is wrong, you say that.
	And you say, why? Now, if they try this, you know, this could happen male to female or female to male.
	They try this thing about, you know, well, I'm upset that you're disagreeing with me.
	So, does that mean I'm not allowed to disagree with you?
	I mean, and let's, you know, you can have the better conversation.
	When was the last time that you admitted that I was right and you were wrong?
	Okay, should it be that rare?
	Because listen, if you're so superior to me that you're always right and I'm always wrong, you shouldn't be with me.
	Right? Because that means you aimed way too low.
	Like, you just aimed way too low.
	You know, you just aim...
	You're like Charlize Theron dating Danny DeVito.
	Like, just from a physical standpoint, at least, you may have just aimed a little low, right?
	Literally, I guess. And so, you know, and you can say, I've had this bad habit of deferring or appeasing.
	You know, I thought it was kind of funny.
	I thought it was kind of cute. I thought it was kind of cool.
	But, you know, let's not take that seriously, right?
	To some degree, it's like when you play wrestle with a kid.
	There are these studies that come out of, I think, mice.
	I think it's mice. When a younger mouse plays fights with an older mouse, the older mouse has to let the baby mouse or the young mice win at least 30% of the time.
	Otherwise, the younger mouse doesn't keep playing.
	So, you know, when you are...
	When you're a parent and you play wrestling with your kids, you have to let them win from time to time.
	You don't just dominate them.
	You have to let them win from time to time.
	And I'm not trying to say that women are like children.
	I'm just saying that if you kind of play act that your wife is right all the time or your girlfriend is right all the time, You're killing the relationship.
	You're just killing it. Because women have hypergamy, which means that they want to get the best possible man that they can get.
	And if the best possible man that they can get is wrong all the time, they feel like crap deep down, and their private parts will turn full Sahara over time.
	So the reason I'm saying all of this, to go back to your girlfriend meeting your mom, is this.
	She's going to look at you and she's going to say, who's going to run my marriage?
	My husband? Nope.
	Me? Nope. Who's going to run my marriage is my mother-in-law.
	So I'm basically marrying into a battle with the mother-in-law that I can't win because my husband won't stand up to his mom.
	And you'll notice this if you keep a really keen eye out on this stuff.
	You'll notice this. And this is probably what's been going on.
	We'll get back, because I told you I'd back up to where your mom and your girlfriends were hanging out.
	So what happens when you bring your girlfriends over, I bet, is that your mom does things in a very subtle way to assert dominance, maybe put you down a little.
	Your girlfriends see this, and it causes problems.
	You're not sure exactly what the problems are or why they occur, but things just don't work out that well after that.
	So I don't know if this matches your experience or anything like that, but what's been going on with your mom and your girlfriends?
	Yeah, I mean, it does definitely match it.
	It's like, it's kind of weird.
	It's weirdly supportive in the beginning.
	It's like, oh, hey, like, so cool.
	You got, like, this girl. She's really, like, pretty.
	Like, that's awesome. And then they meet.
	And it's, like, this kind of silent, like, just kind of feeling.
	Like, it's clear in the room.
	It's, like, there's something that's not really, like, right.
	And basically, in a weird, like, way, because every girlfriend that I've had, like, I've only had two girlfriends in the last, like, three years.
	But both of them, maybe it's four years, but both of them have, like, met my mom.
	And then, like, there's only one time that it happens.
	But, in a way, I'm thinking about it, and it kind of, obviously, it doesn't go anywhere, and then it ends, but I don't know.
	Maybe it's related, maybe it's not.
	Wait, so I assume that with these girls, sorry to interrupt, did it end after they met your mom?
	Yeah. Yeah, okay.
	So, yeah. The moms wink over your nodding and bobbing head to the girlfriends, and they say, you can have them from now, but I get them when the kids come.
	I'm going to rule everything when the kids come.
	When you have kids, I'm going to be swooping in there.
	I'm going to rule everything. And that is just not appealing to women at all, any more than it would be appealing to you.
	True. Right?
	I mean, if there was some girlfriend you had, and then she had a really overbearing bossy dad, and she kind of vanished and appeased him every time, and he's like, well, I'm going to be over all the time when the kids are born.
	What are you looking forward to?
	Not that. Not that, right?
	You don't want that? I don't know.
	And you know, I mean, they call it colloquially the shit test, right?
	Which is that women will have to remind themselves that you are dominant in some areas.
	Not all areas. You don't want to be a bully or a boss.
	And it's called the division of labor, right?
	It's called the Division of Labor.
	And, you know, it's your wonderful donations that help me pay for my dentistry, right?
	If I've got a problem with teeth or just need a regular cleaning or whatever.
	And so with my dentist, she's dominant in dentistry and I'm dominant in philosophy.
	It doesn't mean I dominate her or she dominates me.
	It's just that that's where we're dominant.
	So you've got to give your wife, not just give, she's got to earn her areas of expertise and authority.
	And you've got to earn yours.
	And yeah, you'll occasionally try and overstep onto her turf and she'll try and overstep onto your turf and that's fine.
	It's not the end of the world. It's not a big deal.
	But you've got to have your areas of competence.
	You've got to have your areas of expertise.
	And you also, you cannot appease your mother in front of your girlfriend.
	Oh my God! That's a sex and relationship killer if ever there was one.
	You cannot appease your mother in front of your girlfriend!
	And if your mother tries to put you down using the human shield of meeting your girlfriend for the first time...
	It sounds rough, man.
	You've got to put your mom in her place.
	Then you'll get laid. I know, it's all so primitive, but it's just the way we work.
	It's just the way we work.
	You have to put your mom in your place if she tries to put you down in front of your girlfriend.
	And believe it or not, your mom will also be happier because power corrupts.
	And you can't give people 99% right in a relationship because power corrupts.
	It may be what we want.
	It just corrupts us. That's all.
	You don't give cocaine to people.
	You don't give power to people over you.
	You just don't. Even if the cocaine wants the cocaine, you don't give it to him.
	And even if somebody wants to be right all the time, you don't give that to them.
	It's a drug. It's unfair.
	It's unjust. It corrupts people.
	It's too much power. And they'll get bored and move on anyway.
	Might as well just break up right then and there, in my opinion.
	Yeah, that makes a lot of sense because I usually overanalyze the situation whenever they meet.
	On my end, it's a terrible idea because I just try to tell them how to be and how to act and not to bring up this or not to say that, and it's super controlling and it's not a good look.
	Yeah. I remember having a conversation with a listener many years ago.
	I think it was just a chat.
	It wasn't even a show. And he was saying his dogs, both his dogs bit him, which they'd never done before.
	And these were not young dogs. These were not puppies.
	They'd never done it before. So it turns out that he'd taken his dogs over to his father's place.
	His father had yelled at him and he just backed down, right?
	And then later that day his dogs bit him and his dogs were there with his father, right?
	So do you know what happened? What?
	Well, the dogs viewed the owner as the alpha, right?
	And then the dogs, when they saw their owner get yelled at by a super dog and back down, it meant that they now viewed him as an equal, not as an alpha, and then they were going to bite him.
	That's weird. It's not weird.
	It's perfectly packed mentality, right?
	True. And we are mammals, man.
	We are apes with a brain, right?
	And so if you allow yourself to be put down in front of your girlfriend, and listen, I'm not saying go punch some guy who looks at you funny.
	I'm not saying anything to do with violence or anything like that, right?
	Your girlfriend wants to feel secure.
	Your girlfriend wants to feel safe.
	and your girlfriend wants to feel that you're in her corner.
	In the same way that if there's a conflict between you and her family, let's say her mom has an issue with you, whose side do you want her to be on if you're doing something right?
	Of course, mine.
	You want her to be on your side.
	You know, this is the thing, man.
	This is one of the things that's so important to understand.
	When you want to settle down, you want to get married.
	You want to have kids.
	You detach from your parents and you attach to your wife.
	That's the deal. That's what happens.
	Now, it doesn't mean you don't care about your parents.
	It doesn't mean they're always wrong.
	You never call. I'm not talking about that.
	Your loyalties transfer from your parents to your wife.
	Your loyalties transfer from your parents to your wife.
	Why? Because your parents are the past and your wife is the future.
	Doesn't mean your wife is always right.
	Doesn't mean your parents are right. But your fundamental loyalty has to be with the mother of your children, not the mother of you.
	Has to be if you want the relationship to work.
	And of course you do, right? Of course you do.
	And so it's out of loyalty to your wife and out of loyalty to your children that you refuse to be put down by anyone except yourself.
	It's fine for you to make a self-deprecating joke.
	I do. There's nothing wrong with that.
	But, you know, like how black guys use the N-word, nobody else can or should.
	I don't even think black guys should, but that's the way it is in society, right?
	Yeah, that's true. So, yeah, no one can put you down except you.
	You can make a joke that's self-deprecating, that's fine.
	That shows a kind of strength, right?
	That you're willing to be good-humored about yourself and you're willing to admit fault and, you know, all of that, right?
	Yeah. But don't you dare, for the sake of your relationship, for the sake of the love in your woman's eyes, for the sake of your future children, and the stability of your pair bonding, nobody puts you down.
	Nobody puts you down.
	Now, I just want to be clear, because people get kind of hinky, I'm not saying you, but people get kind of hinky around this stuff.
	I'm not saying you're never wrong.
	But nobody gets to put you down, insult you, or sort of imply that you're somehow incompetent or whatever, right?
	Or just kind of laughingly in the wrong or like a child or whatever, right?
	Nobody. And if you want loyalty from your wife, which you do, then you have to show her maximum loyalty.
	You know, and I've said this to my daughter.
	Sorry, switching gears a little bit here from husband to father.
	I've said this to my daughter. I've said, listen, my dear, in any conflict that you're in, I am absolutely going to assume and publicly assert immediately that you're in the right.
	Now, it may be the case later that you're not, in which case we'll deal with that.
	But I know you.
	I know your heart. I know your values.
	I know your mind.
	I know your intentions.
	I know your morals. In any conflict, you know, some kid comes up and says, Izzy pushed me.
	I am on your side 150%.
	Right there, right there.
	No question, no doubt.
	Now, that's such a powerful statement, but that you know that situation has never once occurred.
	Thank you.
	And you know why it's never once occurred?
	Why?
	Because the kids all know that that's my stance.
	Now, have I ever told them? No, it doesn't matter.
	It's body language, it's ether, it's mystery, it's mind reading, whatever it is.
	It's never occurred. Because the kids won't try it.
	Because they know. They know in some weird, simian, instinctive gut bacteria way, they know that they wouldn't be able to get away with it for a moment.
	They wouldn't be able to drive a wedge between myself and my daughter.
	I would automatically side with her.
	So they don't try it. Now, you've got to have that same loyalty.
	You've got to say... It's tough, man.
	But you've got to say to your girlfriend, in any conflict between you and my mother, I'm going to assume you're correct in the moment.
	Now, it doesn't mean we can't review.
	It doesn't mean, you know, maybe you're not.
	But I'm telling you this right now.
	In any conflict between you and my mother, you are my first priority.
	She's the past. You're the future.
	She's the relationship I didn't choose, though I still treasure.
	You're the relationship I choose and so treasure even more.
	She's not going to be the mother of my children.
	You are. She's not going to grow old with me.
	You are. I don't sleep with her.
	I sleep with you. You are my number one priority.
	Now, because you are my number one priority, I'm also not going to let her put me down, because that's going to harm your respect for me.
	Because you've got to show your girlfriend that she's marrying a man, not a boy, and certainly not a mama's boy, right?
	You a bit of a mama's boy, maybe?
	It's true, and I hate to say it, but yeah, of course.
	Listen, it's no shame in it.
	I was too. It's no shame in it.
	It's just what we're taught when we have dads who don't stick up for themselves.
	Then we end up being mama's boy because we gravitate towards the most powerful and, right, we understand.
	But, you know, the woman, a good woman's not going to want to marry a mama's boy, right?
	You know that, right? Of course.
	So... Can you think of something that your mom might have said that might have put you down in the presence of your girlfriend so she can assert her simian dominance over you and therefore over her?
	Do you remember anything that came up?
	Yeah, I mean, a lot of it, like, is kind of the stereotypical, you know, although, in fact, if I was doing something good for myself, that, like, maybe it wasn't, like, a, like, it's embarrassing, but, you know, like, this is about probably three years ago, so, like, I'm doing, you know, my laundry now, and my mom's like, whoa, whoa, you know, I never knew that he knew how to do it himself!
	It's, like, sort of, like, jab, you know?
	Wow. And would she say something like that in front of a girlfriend?
	Yeah, that was like a direct quote.
	Oh, man. Now, was it true that you did know how to do your laundry?
	I mean, my mom, when I lived with her, and that was for a while, until I moved out to a different state on my own, Like, she would excessively do that kind of thing.
	Like, you know, laundry was one thing in particular that she would always just do.
	Because she'd be like, oh, yeah, I'm doing my laundry.
	Do you need me to do yours?
	And almost, like, thinking about it, it seems like sort of a skill.
	Like, it's super easy.
	Doing laundry is not hard. But, like, it was almost like it was impossible to do my own laundry because of the way she went out of her way to do it for me.
	And, like, oh, yeah, I'm doing mine.
	Do you want me to do yours?
	Like, sure, of course. It's easier for me.
	Yeah, but there's a price to be paid for that, right?
	Exactly. There's a feeling of obligation, right?
	And she's trying to provide value to you in a way that's not getting to know you.
	So how long ago did your mom say this comment about you?
	Oh, who knew that you had it in you to do your own laundry?
	How long ago was that? I think it was four years ago.
	And how long had you been doing laundry or known how to do laundry?
	About a year. Right.
	Right. So if...
	And it's easy for me, right?
	So I'm just bungeeing in from the outside, right?
	But this is what I would say if my mom said that in front of my girlfriend.
	Do you know what I would say? What would you say?
	I would say, Mom, I've been doing my own laundry for like a year.
	I mean, wouldn't a good mother know that?
	That's pretty solid.
	It's not mean. You're not calling her names.
	You're not insulting her. But you're just putting her back in her place.
	And you know how exciting that would be for your girlfriend?
	I don't, but I probably...
	Can you get into her shoes, though?
	Oh, my God. This guy is not being bullied by his own...
	He's not being undermined by his own mom.
	Oh, my God.
	That's Alpha AF. He's going to protect me from her!
	And he's going to protect me from myself.
	From my own female desire to always be right and to fall into the chasm of vanity and into the pit of anxiety.
	Or, let's say you don't have some big verbal adroitness or whatever that's going on, right?
	If all you feel is, like, what did you feel when your mom said that?
	Like, hey, shut up, mom.
	Like, dude, like, it's not that I tried to be, like, that way, but, like, I just kind of moved out, like, a year ago, and, like, you know what I mean?
	No, no, no, hang on, hang on.
	What did you feel? Embarrassed, of course.
	Yeah, embarrassed. Okay, and then what?
	Bothered, like, annoyed. Like, why did you say that?
	Like, angry, right? Yeah, angry.
	Yeah, mildly angry.
	Look, I'm not saying you pulled out an axe.
	I get that, right? But it's annoying, right?
	Yeah, for sure.
	So, you know what else you could say if you don't want to do some big Oscar Wilde verbal adroitness move is you can just say, Mom, I've got to tell you, that's an annoying thing to hear.
	You're really just annoying me.
	What? It was just a joke.
	It's like, no. Listen, my girlfriend's here.
	I don't like it when you pretend that I'm some incompetent person.
	I've known how to do my laundry for well over a year.
	And before, for some reason, Freud would probably spin in his grave trying to figure out, Mom, you wouldn't let me do my own laundry, basically.
	You kept insisting to do it.
	So, first of all, you insist that you do my laundry.
	And then I learn how to do it, and then you make a joke about me, like, oh my gosh, I can't believe you know how to do your own laundry, right in front of my girlfriend.
	Do you think that's a compliment to me or not?
	Why you put me down in front of my girlfriend?
	What's the matter with you? And then she'll do the, because when they're caught, right, this manipulation to court, they get transformed into humor.
	Oh, you can't take a joke.
	Why are you so sensitive? And then, oh, you're so sensitive, right?
	Your mom, who can't hear about the inefficacy of masks without bursting into tears, suddenly says that you're, oh, so sensitive when you object to being put down in front of your girlfriend, right?
	But just know it's not funny.
	It's not funny. It's not funny to mock someone in that way.
	That's not funny. So, if you want to put me down, put me down.
	But don't then put me down in addition.
	Because you put me down about the laundry, now you're putting me down by saying I don't even have a sense of humor.
	Can't laugh at myself. You understand, that's a double insult, right?
	Which means things are going to get more and more unpleasant between us until you stop putting me down.
	You can take this as far as you want.
	If you're going to insult me now by saying you're getting too angry, I'll just go even further.
	But you've got to stop putting me down.
	I didn't come into your house and insult you about something.
	Mock you for a supposed lack of knowledge, which I don't even lack.
	That's the funny thing. I know how to do laundry.
	And you think that by complaining that I don't know how to do laundry, that this makes you look like a good parent, like you didn't even teach me how to do laundry?
	What's the matter with you?
	You think that insults me?
	Are you crazy? But that's what I mean by just – you don't even try to – just honest.
	This book, Real-Time Relationships, you should read it.
	People should read it, right? Just honest in the moment.
	That's what you think and feel. Again, I don't know what you – but that's what would be, I think, going through maybe your mind or certainly it was going through my mind and imagining that situation.
	Does that – I just – no, don't.
	I'm annoyed. Don't do that.
	Yeah, it kind of goes excessively far past that too.
	I'm thinking about it.
	I see my parents probably once a year.
	Not anymore, but for a while it's like once a year.
	So the tone of their visit After that point, both times that it happened, my mom was just like, I just can't believe you were so rude.
	I basically ruined my vacation by being confrontational.
	Because in a way, I do get confrontational about that kind of thing.
	But afterwards, it's like...
	No, but you're confrontational about the coronavirus stuff, right?
	Yeah, that too. Yeah, well, fuck that stuff, man.
	Come on. That's not where your issues lie with your parents.
	Do you remember what I said on Wednesday?
	You said that live stream really hit you in the nads, right?
	And I was saying people focus on the big abstract stuff so they can avoid the real stuff in their lives.
	Yeah, it did hit.
	So you're all big on the masks.
	It's kind of funny, right? Because masks are a cover-up for tyranny, right?
	You get the double meaning there, right?
	Yeah. So you use this topic of mass to cover up some, maybe some bullying that you experience at the hands of your mom, maybe of your dad.
	And as far as your dad goes on all this, listen, how old were you when your parents got divorced?
	Four. You were four, right?
	Okay. Yeah. Who the hell is your dad to tell you how to live when he got divorced with young kids in the house?
	And she took everything. She's gotten...
	And they got remarried when I was 8, and then they got divorced again when I was 10.
	And she took so much property.
	Like, so much. So much.
	Oh, yeah. If you count the hourly rate per lay, she's like Mata Hari, right?
	Yeah, it is. Okay, so, like, who the...
	This is the, like, you know, honestly, Dad, I would say something like, honestly, Dad, love you to death, but oh my God, you cannot tell me how to live.
	I mean, you were way older than me and you were still getting married and divorced and losing everything.
	Like, come on.
	You can't make this many colossal fuck-ups in your life and then try and lecture me on how to live.
	Like, oh my, and you say, oh, I learned from the wisdom of your experience.
	And someone's like, I don't know if you have yet.
	Dad learned from the wisdom of your experience.
	So, you know, love you.
	But, oh my God, please, please.
	Get a sense of how you look from the outside, right?
	This is what's so hard for people, right?
	Get a sense of how you look from the outside.
	See, here's the thing. Being a public figure, you get a pretty good look of how you look from the outside because everyone's always commenting on how you look from the outside, right?
	Yeah. Right?
	But most people don't have that experience.
	How do they look on the outside?
	Right? Now, when your dad says, son, I've got some good advice on how to live, and I assume he was older than you when he was going through this ridiculous second divorce, right?
	Of course. Right, right.
	So it's like, dad, you were like 15 years older than me and still getting married and divorced to mom, right?
	So, you know, please look at you, like, please understand the subtitle of everything you say when you give advice is, I'm totally full of shit.
	I would much rather lecture than learn.
	I made mistakes way worse when I was way older.
	Like that's the scrolling, that's the chiron, right?
	That's the scrolling subtext to everything you say to me, Dad.
	I got to be frank with you.
	Like if you want to start giving me advice, I don't even know what you've got to do, but it's not just give me advice.
	Maybe you've got to go to therapy.
	Maybe you've got to learn stuff.
	Maybe you've got to spend a long weekend telling me about all the mistakes you made so I get a sense of what you've learned.
	But you come a bungee in here?
	Divorced when I was four.
	Married again when I was eight.
	Divorced again when I was 12.
	Was it 12 or 10? Yeah, 10 the second time.
	10. Okay. Divorced at four.
	Married at eight. Divorced again at 10.
	Holy shit, Dad. I mean, I've seen pinballs with greater flight paths, with more solid flight paths.
	Like, please, please, for all that's holy, have a sense of humility when it comes to lecturing me about how to live.
	Jesus, H, popsicle on a stick.
	You've got to be kidding me.
	That's a good point. Your big issue in your life is my arguments for masks, really?
	You want to be careful that I don't do anything that may be harmful to me?
	Dad, you married and divorced mom twice when I was a kid and a little kid at that.
	And now you're worried about what might affect me negatively?
	Are you kidding me?
	Could I use that when I was four?
	Or eight through ten?
	What the hell? Well, son, now that the damage has been done and you're a full adult, I'm very concerned about anything that might happen that would affect you negatively.
	Oh, my God!
	Oh, my God!
	Dad, do you hear yourself?
	Do you have any sense of how you look from the outside?
	Any sense at all?
	Of how little credibility you have with me when it comes to advice on major life decisions or minor life decisions or whether I have a sandwich or soup.
	And same thing with your mom, right?
	Thank you.
	You gotta be kidding me.
	Mama, dearest, you've got to be kidding me when it comes to you giving me advice on how to live.
	Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
	I mean, I'm as likely to take makeup lessons from the IT clown.
	Okay, you might not want to use that last one, but that's, you know, that's a level of credibility.
	You know, I... My mom was like, oh, I don't know.
	One of her relatives, I think her uncle had some book plagiarized.
	And so she was like, you know, I would write my first book.
	I was so thrilled at writing my first book.
	It was called The Jealous War.
	It was about World War I. It's a great book.
	And my mom did help me.
	She gave me the German for the soldiers and all.
	It was really helpful. She was good at reading it.
	But she was like always harassing me.
	Like, you've got to mail it to yourself.
	You've got to register it. You've got to copyright it.
	You've got to this. You've got to that.
	Right? Right? And I'm like, holy shit, I'm now...
	Oh, how old was I when I wrote that book?
	21, I think. Oh, so now I'm 21, and you're really, really concerned about protecting me when you speak the shit out of me when I was a kid.
	Like, I don't even know what to say.
	People have so little clarity about how they look from the outside.
	It's jaw-dropping.
	Like... I won't even get into the details, but you understand what I mean, right?
	It's like, oh, so now you're really, really concerned that somebody might take advantage of me or my interests might get harmed in some manner?
	How about this endless parade of trashy guys through the place?
	Oh, I think that might have had an effect.
	So, I don't know. I have this, and it may be too much.
	It may be too much. I'm fully aware of this, but I have this There's a scene, it's a terrifying scene, in A Streetcar Named Desire.
	This older woman, you know, who will never date in the daytime and will never date where it's well lit, she puts up all of this frilly crap around her sister's apartment where she's sister's living with this pretty brutal husband.
	And he ends up, later in the play, just Tearing it all down.
	Just tearing it all down.
	And that scene was so powerful to me when I was a child.
	That scene was so powerful to me.
	Let me just see if I can find it.
	I won't act it out full, right?
	But let me just see if I can find it because it just popped into me.
	Oh yeah, okay, okay, here we go, here we go.
	So, this woman, she's portraying herself as a schoolteacher, and she is delicate and young, and she's put all of these little frilly papyr, like frilly paper, I don't know what you would call it, a...
	What does he mention up here?
	Oh, paper lantern. She puts paper lanterns over the lightbulb so that everything is kind of soft and foggy and she portrays herself as so delicate and virginal and so on.
	And she's not.
	She's not. And she was a complete slut.
	She slept with her students. She was dismissed from her school because she slept with students.
	Basically, it was a pedophile, right?
	And Stanley Kowalski, towards the end of it, And the woman's kind of going crazy, right?
	And he says, take a look at yourself here in a worn-out Mardi Gras outfit, rented for 50 cents from some rag picker, and with a crazy crown on.
	Now, what kind of a queen do you think you are?
	Do you know that I've been on to you from the start, and not once did you pull the wool over this boy's eyes.
	You come in here, and you sprinkle the place with powder, and you spray perfume, and you stick a paper lantern over the lightbulb, and lo and behold, this place has turned into Egypt, and you are the queen of the Nile, sitting on your throne, swelling down my liquor.
	And do you know what I say?
	Ha! Do you hear me?
	Ha! Ha! I loved that scene.
	You should watch the Brando. I mean, it's terrifying in the scene, right?
	Which is, do you know how you look from the outside?
	She thinks she's some made-up fantasy of a womanhood, and she is a drunk who's put on a crazy outfit, and it's all a lie.
	And this, do you see yourself from the outside, is really, really important.
	Really, really important.
	And with your parents, you know, okay, so they can have this ridiculous marriage, non-marriage.
	They can have this make-up, break-up, make-up, break-up with kids in the house.
	Okay, so you take that selfish shit and you know what the price you have to pay?
	You have no credibility with your kids.
	And I just, I don't know, maybe they do have credibility for other reasons, but it doesn't sound to me like you've had that basic fucking discussion of like, how am I supposed to take what you say seriously?
	Not just you, I mean, your entire generation handed us this world, right?
	That we have to try and find a way to make work somehow, right?
	Somehow. So, when they're lecturing you, You know, people will always try to lecture you.
	I try not to lecture.
	I really do. And I don't have a big urge to lecture as a whole.
	Maybe I can talk a little bit about marriage.
	I came from a violent single mother, a broken home, never knew my father when I was a baby and barely knew him after that.
	He lived in Africa when I lived in England, Ireland, Canada.
	And yet I've become a great dad, a great husband.
	I've had a wonderful, stable, happy marriage for close to two decades now.
	So I hope that I have some credibility with regards to that.
	But can you imagine if I was giving marital advice?
	Or life advice, really?
	Or love advice? After putting you and your sisters through what your parents put you through?
	Not just the instability, but the chaos, the lack of trustworthiness of human relations, the financial disintegration and desiccation and the lawyers and the stress and the, oh my God! Who the hell are they to tell you anything that I can see?
	Yeah. It's true.
	And then they're still raising grandkids kind of together.
	And that's what your girlfriends see.
	You understand? Your girlfriends see these very chaotic, confused adult infants, adult toddlers, And they see you deferring to people who've made such an unholy mess of their life at beggar's description.
	That these people who couldn't run their own lives worth shit will be in charge of her life forever.
	And you wonder why the relationships don't work out?
	A man looks at a woman, he thinks, tonight...
	A woman looks at a man, she thinks the next 50 years.
	Would she want to get involved in a marriage where your parents ran things?
	Probably not. Probably?
	Probably not. Yeah.
	Well, what do you mean probably? Definitely not.
	100% that. So, I think that would be my suggestion.
	You know, it would be nice, in a sense, if we were not this way, but, you know, also be nice if we lived for 10,000 years and never got hemorrhoids, you know, but shit happens in life, right?
	So, we have to work with what is, and, you know, it's just a matter of self-respect, too.
	You just don't let... You don't let people put you down particularly in front of your girlfriends.
	And, you know, you can also, you can pull the, you've got a lot of grenades, so to speak.
	You've got a lot of pins that you can pull with the guys to your mom, right?
	Oh, I can't believe you know how to do laundry.
	It's like, yeah, I wish you'd known how to do marriage.
	I think she did know how to do it the way she wanted to.
	No, she knew how to do divorce.
	She didn't know how to do marriage, right?
	She knew how to win everything from the divorce.
	Right, right. So, yeah, I wish you'd loved me enough to stay married to Dad.
	I wish that you hadn't taken money away from me through Dad.
	But here's the thing, right?
	So people get so deluded in their own minds that, you know, there's a rape scene at the end of Streetcar Named Desire, which I think is wrong, unnecessary, ridiculous, terrible, stupid, pointless which I think is wrong, unnecessary, ridiculous, terrible, stupid, pointless drama.
	It amars an otherwise great play and destroys, to me, the value of an otherwise great play.
	Because Stanley Kowalski wants to get this crazy sister-in-law out of her house.
	She's insane. She's drinking him out of house and home.
	She's trying to snag one of his best friends into an insane marriage.
	And, you know, he was together with this guy in the military.
	He's not going to let this happen.
	And he's asserting his dominance over her.
	He's the reality principle.
	He's bringing the reality principle to her.
	And then he ends up raping her, which, I don't know, it never made any sense to me.
	I talked about this with Duke Pest.
	I won't get into it here.
	Because to me, the way he gets her out, the way that you get crazy people out of your life, just tell them the truth.
	Just tell them the truth. Mom, Dad, you've got to stop lecturing me.
	Seriously, you have no idea how you look from the outside.
	I suffered through one of the top ten marriages from hell in the history of the universe.
	And you guys want to tell me how to live?
	Like, with no humility, with no apology, with no...
	You know, listen, if I go to a young guy with great hair and I say, you know, here's what you should do with your hair, I'm bald.
	It's like, uh, right?
	Do you...
	Like, I could say, hey, I had hair like that when I was younger, so blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
	I know it looks kind of ridiculous, me giving you this advice, but trust me, I know what I'm talking about.
	At least I've got to acknowledge stuff, right?
	And at least your parents could say, well, we know we completely fucked up your childhood, completely and totally with this chaos and marriage and divorce, marriage and divorce.
	So we may not have a leg to stand on when it comes to giving you life advice, but here's what we've, at least acknowledge it.
	But if they don't even acknowledge it, it's like, ah, where is the reality for these people?
	Where is the reality? But like me putting out the how not to get deplatformed newsletter.
	Do you know what I mean? I didn't laugh, but you know what I mean?
	I could at least say, well, I've learned some bitter lessons, blah, blah, blah, right?
	But It's nuts.
	It's almost like it's the ultimate shit test.
	If I say two and two makes a blue unicorn and will you give me $500 for it, are you going to say, no, two and two makes four?
	Or you could say, oh, that's a beautiful blue unicorn.
	Here's $500. Is insanity going to dominate over sanity?
	And if your mother is going to mock you for something she's wrong about anyway, which is whether you know how to do laundry or not, after the childhood she and your dad put you through, It's an ultimate shit test, which is, okay, are you going to say it?
	are you going to bring it up or is our craziness going to dominate the sanity that you actually the sanity that you possess good point it's exactly what I there's things that I don't think about I just think about the simple things.
	The easy way to go.
	No, no. I get...
	Look, listen. You've got to know yourself better than that.
	Sorry. You're a listener for a long time.
	You've got to know yourself better than that.
	So here's the reality, man. You know all the shit.
	You know all the shit deep down, back to front, top to bottom, 360, N-dimensional, through time.
	You've got all of this stuff written like Jesus saves...
	Sky writing on a clear blue sky.
	You got this stuff. Write down.
	Here's the problem. You bring this up with your parents, they'll hit the roof.
	Because when people get so enmeshed in unreality, reality becomes a predator to them and they lash out against it.
	Think of a single mom.
	A single mom will often portray herself as a victim.
	And then you start asking, okay, were there any signs that the guy you had kids with wasn't the right guy?
	Wasn't a good guy? They get really angry, right?
	Because they genuinely, they sort of, oh, you see these people with the storm in the Capitol, right?
	Now, if they had done the work that I had suggested for many, many, many years, and I know a lot of them, I don't know, I have no idea who listened, right?
	But a lot of them probably heard the idea from somewhere, somehow, those people didn't listen to me, to be frank about that, didn't listen to me.
	As I said on, gosh, when was it?
	My interview with George Bruno a couple of days before this happened said, obey the law, obey the law, right?
	But if they had listened to me, if they'd even heard me, if they'd listened to me and spent the last couple of years living their values in their personal life, well, the outcome would have been very different for everything, right?
	So they're mad that they gained weight waiting for the magic diet pill.
	When people get too enmeshed in non-reality, reality comes along, they hit the roof.
	You're just trying to avoid getting yelled at by your parents.
	You're just trying to avoid getting attacked by your parents.
	That's why you don't bring this stuff up.
	Tell me if I'm wrong. Wouldn't they hit the roof?
	No, you're not wrong. I was just talking about it today.
	I was saying how much grander it is living in a different state because I don't have to deal with it.
	I like them a lot better and they like me a lot better from a distance.
	But you still have to shut the hell up, right?
	I don't mean about the masks.
	Masks is a proxy. The mask is a red herring.
	The mask is a distraction. Have you sat them down and said, where the hell were your children's priorities when we were kids?
	Like, where were your priorities regarding your children?
	Like, what were you doing?
	Getting married, divorced, married.
	Like, what the hell were you doing?
	Yeah, no, I haven't.
	They both also got married for the first time after they'd already been married from previous people, and then they got remarried to each other because they had a kid.
	So they already came into their marriage with a kid from another marriage.
	Okay, so it's layers upon layers of...
	Maximum fuckery, right?
	I've never talked about it.
	Yeah, okay. So, yeah, talk about it.
	Because this had a huge impact on you.
	It had a huge impact on your trust levels.
	It had a huge impact on what you view as adulthood.
	And, man, you've got to clean this shit up in terms of the relational honesty before you bring another woman around your family, if you ever do.
	Because you cannot be pushed around by these people.
	Because it will kill your relationship.
	Because she'll be like, oh great, the crazy people who got divorced multiple times will now be in charge of my marriage.
	Oh great! You feel me?
	I do. It's a hard pill to swallow, but I'm having to be swallowed.
	There's no diet pill, man.
	There's no diet pill to end the convo on where I started.
	There's no diet pill. No diet pill here.
	No, I don't want the diet pill.
	It's eat well and exercise, and it's tough.
	There's no shortcut. All right.
	Will you keep me posted about how it goes?
	Of course. I really appreciate it.
	Hey, man, you are so welcome.
	I really do consider it an honor.
	And again, I really, really want you to understand.
	I'm an older guy who's hit my stride, and I don't want you to, for a moment, anybody out there listening, I don't want you to imagine for a moment that I was making any good decisions when I was younger.
	Ha ha ha! I really, really want everyone to understand that.
	I got philosophy.
	I met a great woman. I hit my groove.
	I separated from an abusive family.
	And please, please, please don't feel less.
	Please don't feel at all that I have some magic high mountain wherein I've always been making great decisions.
	This is Battle Scar 101.
	I was six or seven years off and on in a relationship that just was not working at all and I couldn't leave it and I've dated and made mistakes and I've failed to stand up for myself sometimes.
	I've stood up for myself way too aggressively sometimes.
	I happen to have found a kind of equilibrium now but I just want everyone to fully complete, especially the young men and young women out there.
	I have faffed up six different ways from Sunday and I think I've been pretty honest and open about Many, many mistakes that I failed to live my values in the way that I'm talking about for a long time, but I didn't have anyone telling me to do it.
	It's not an excuse. I'm just saying I'm trying to remedy that for people coming afterwards.
	So I hope that you and others and all my literally beloved listeners out there, please accept my absolute humility when giving this advice because you guys are making way better decisions.
	at your age than I ever did at your age and that is a beautiful thing to see and I hope that I can help a little bit with that.
	So thank you everyone so much for a great conversation this evening.
	I love you guys so much. Have some faith and happiness in this year.
	Get yourself eating well and exercising with regards to philosophy.
	No diet pill is coming.
	No one is coming. Do not trust the plan.
	The only plan is truth.

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