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July 28, 2019 - Freedomain Radio - Stefan Molyneux
01:16:16
"Please Stef - I Can't Quit Pot!" Freedomain Call In
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Hi everybody, I'm here with Rachel and she has a tale to tell.
Take it away sister. Alright, I am a 28 year old female and I desperately want to have children but I feel that I am unfit for parenthood and the most obvious reason for this is that I am a daily pot smoker.
I've cut back at least 80% in the last month but I lack the self-control to quit entirely.
In the last 10 to 12 years, I've only been successful in my attempts to quit when I purge my home of all marijuana and smoking devices.
Unfortunately, my husband is unwilling to do this with me, and the best compromise we've come to yet is that he will pack it away in his car so that it's not easily accessible to me.
There is an underlying issue, which, if solved, perhaps would allow me to quit under less ideal circumstances.
And that is that I don't know how to manage my extremely high anxiety levels without relying on some kind of compulsive behavior.
Since the onset of puberty, it's been one thing after another.
It started with self-harm at 11 and progressed into eating disorders throughout my teen years.
I grew out of those habits, but I replaced them with drinking, smoking cigarettes, and abusing whatever drugs are available to me, as well as behaving promiscuously.
I've quit all of these habits as well, but the daily pot smoking remains a constant.
When I'm smoking heavily, I get high first thing in the morning and throughout the day, even before school, work, or exercise, easily five to ten times a day.
This has caused me to be isolated, disconnected from my emotions, which is kind of the goal, but clearly harmful as well.
And it keeps me in negative situations and relationships longer than I normally would be, because I can escape reality instead of dealing with the problem.
And to be honest, I just feel like a complete loser no matter what I achieve in other areas.
I know that feeling unhappy or upset from time to time is part of life, but I feel it so intensely and often that I don't know how to cope.
The only healthy thing I've found that comes close to the kind of anxiety relief I get from marijuana is a regimen of strenuous hot yoga every other day or more.
However, this is more of a preventative measure than something that I can rely on at any moment when overwhelming emotions come, as they inevitably do.
I usually plan my life around yoga classes, but I'm unable to do so right now because of financial problems and an irregular schedule, as well as living in a small town with limited options.
So my question is, what can I do to deal with my sadness and anxiety in a way that's healthy and sustainable?
Even when my schedule is busy, I'm caring for a child, or the yoga studio is inaccessible.
Great. How are you feeling reading this off?
A little bit nervous, but also excited to get feedback from somebody who I trust and respect.
Oh, we'll solve this, baby.
We got this one.
We'll solve this. Lickety-split.
No problems. What do you think has propelled you to take this on now?
Well, I never thought that I... would have children until about four years ago when I started to get more serious with my now husband and I met his family and I realized that not everybody's family is dysfunctional as mine was and that I really really do want children and that's started to become more motivating for me.
I finished college about Three months ago.
And so now I feel ready to move on to the next phase in my life.
Right. What did you take in college?
I'm a fine arts major, so I have a drawing painting degree.
Got it. Got it. I'm guessing you do a lot of fantasy pictures.
I do. I do kind of surrealist.
Yeah. Yeah. And when did you start smoking pot?
I started when I was 16, and it became a daily habit when I was 17, and I'm now 28.
When you first took it, I've never smoked pot, so I'm exploring the experience, I suppose.
But when you first smoked pot, was it good?
I've heard bad trips, paranoia.
How was it for you when you first smoked, and how long did it take if it took a while to get good?
It was immediately enjoyable and I thought, God, why hadn't I discovered this sooner?
This just seems like the answer to all of my emotional problems and this is great.
Well, and this is what the term self-medicating means, right?
Self-medicating is you have an issue and you just kind of take stuff that makes you feel better regardless of sort of the long-term consequences and it is like the old Heroin for a toothache.
It doesn't solve the toothache, but at least you don't feel the discomfort for a while.
Exactly. Was it like a social circle that was drawing you in?
Well, the first time that I smoked was with my younger brother.
He started doing drugs fairly early in his life, and he actually got into much heavier drugs shortly after that.
How much younger? He's a year younger.
So he lured you in?
Yeah, I actually smoked my first cigarette with him too.
Right. And how has things been playing out for him?
Better now. It was bad for a while.
He became addicted to meth by the time he was, I want to say 17, maybe 16.
And he eventually cleaned up and joined the army, and he's doing much better now.
Wow, wow. All right, all right.
So you said not all families were as dysfunctional as yours.
Do you want to take us on a wee tour of the early years of you?
Yeah, and I think, I mean, I have a strong feeling that this has a lot to do with why I now have these kinds of problems.
My parents had me when they were pretty young.
They were 20 and 21 when they had me.
I was their first kid.
And they got married because of the pregnancy.
I think otherwise they would not have stayed together.
And so they tried to make it work.
And my mom has always been very, very critical of me.
And I feel that she's Had a lot of contempt for me.
So she has been very hard on me in really any way possible, from my appearance to my grades to just anything.
Any choices I make, very critical.
And my dad, I think, just tried The best he could to mediate kind of the bad relationship between my mom and I. And so he worked a lot and I was home with my mom most of the time when I was very young.
He told me that she had already started hitting me by the time I was three and He hit my brother and I as well when we were kids, but it was different because it seemed like it was less out of frustration and more because he thought that was just the way to discipline.
Whereas with my mom, it was very much unpredictable and it would just happen out of nowhere.
Well, and sorry to interrupt, but it's one of these funny things about modern society that it's not ever good to hit children, but if you have a really structured kind of society where you know what you're going to do, you know how things are supposed to work and so on, hitting children is less damaging.
But if you hit children as if they're part of some superstructured society, and then it's like, hey, man, go and do what you want, and here's some drugs, and here's sexual freedom and no consequences, then the hitting plus the licentiousness later is a weird combination.
It's sort of like joining the army in order to get into a commune, if that makes any kind of sense.
The early experience is just completely unmatched.
Because people say, oh, well, you know, but kids were hit throughout history.
Kids were hit during the age of reason, then the age of life.
It's like, yeah, but society was really structured back then.
And so physical abuse or hitting matches a structured society in pragmatic ways.
Again, it's not moral, it's not good, but it does.
Right. Because some people think, you know, a little swat on the butt or wrap on the back of the hand, kind of, you know, smacky thing.
But when you say hit, what do you mean?
Spanking? Do you mean like hitting?
She would hit us with whatever was handy, a wooden spoon, maybe a coat hanger, maybe her hand.
Wow. Like leave marks kind of thing or?
No. Okay.
Okay. Got it.
So there for pain and shock, but not like lasting damage.
Not injury. Right.
Not injury. Okay. So I started kindergarten and was considered a very bright child.
I'm sorry, did you go to Dekia?
No, actually my mom stayed home.
Okay, got it. So considered a bright child?
And my grandma watched this a lot as well.
So I was considered a very bright child.
I already knew how to read when the other kids were just kind of learning the alphabet.
So they pushed me into first grade instead.
I was therefore a year younger than all of my peers.
I think I was fairly anxious as a child, but also happy for the most part.
I don't remember that being a terrible time in my life.
Then things started to change when I was 11.
I became very, very depressed and I'm very anxious.
I started cutting myself.
That's the end of the latency period, right?
So you can coast for a while, particularly after the toddler storms from sort of the age of five or six to 10 or 11, you can kind of coast on just kidhood.
But then when your body starts to mature, you hit puberty or whatever, if you're not prepared for adulthood, things get pretty messed up pretty quickly.
Like It's sort of like in school.
You can decide not to go to particular classes.
You can get behind on your reading.
But then, you know, when it gets close to exam time, it's like that all collides back on you, right?
And so it's not too shocking to me that, well, it's what my daughter and I call grumble brain.
You know, like, although with hers, it's pretty mild, I'm not sure, relative to yours.
But it's when the anxiety starts to rise because it's like, okay, the giant exam called adulthood is looming and I'm kind of unprepared.
I'm not through any fault of your own, but just the way your family was.
Yes, and I was in a gifted program for academics, but I started to have a lot of trouble keeping up, and I didn't feel motivated anymore.
I didn't want to do the work anymore, whereas in elementary school I loved doing my homework, never missed a day, loved all my teachers.
But then everything changed pretty quickly.
I found it very hard socially.
I didn't make a lot of friends.
People kind of thought I was weird.
So I withdrew.
And did anything change at home?
Well, my parents divorced at around when I was 12 or 13.
So things were...
Oh, bad, right? Changing, yes.
Yeah, every, you know, it's easy to mistake.
For those who've not been through a divorce in the home, lucky you, but...
You know, people, oh, you know, it must have been tough when you were 12.
It's like, no, no, no, it was all before.
Like, it was all the before stuff that leads to the divorce that is so, you know, are they going to stay together?
Are they going to, can it be fixed?
What can I do? And it's really stressful.
Yeah, and I begged them to split up because they argued and screamed at each other so often, and I thought maybe if they split up, then there will be peace in the house and there won't be so much fighting and drama and...
My dad would hit my mom, and my mom would hit my dad.
They were both pretty aggressive towards each other.
My mom was very verbally abusive, and I think that she would provoke him, sometimes on purpose.
And he had a very bad temper.
And so when they divorced, I moved out with my dad, and my brother stayed with my mom.
And she was...
Extremely, extremely angry with me and very resentful for that decision.
Do you think that's why he ended up on harder drugs?
It's hard to say.
I think it may have happened either way because we actually bounced back and forth between the two parents quite often.
I went to six different high schools, lived in maybe ten different houses during that time.
Why so many? Well, I would Stay with one parent until it felt like the emotional climate was absolutely unbearable and then I would go live with the other parent and so I would end up switching schools and then also when I was with my dad we moved a lot because his income was unstable and we would be evicted frequently.
Oh gosh, right.
Right. And you said...
Sorry, is there more you wanted to add about this?
Because I wanted to not go past the early to mid-childhood stuff.
Um... No, no.
All right. This is a pet peeve of mine.
Nothing to do with anything you've talked about regarding you.
But it's a pet peeve of mine, so please forgive me if I uncork for just a moment.
Sure. I may raise my voice, but I'm not yelling at you.
I'm just... Emphatic near you.
But the hypercritical people, God, they're always such losers.
You know, so you were saying how your mom was like really critical of you and negative and contemptuous of you, right?
And it's like, yeah, but you're beating up your husband and being beaten up by your husband and provoking him Billie Eilish lyric style into aggression and you can't Stay in one place.
You can't hold your marriage together.
Like all the people who are so hypercritical of others.
They're such losers.
It's almost to me like now, it's a mocker.
Like if somebody says, I just have really high standards.
It's like, I know that you're not meeting even one-tenth of one percent of them.
You know, the people who lord it over others and lecture them and have contempt for all of their failures to meet these lofty, idealistic, platonic standards of excellence and virtue and so on.
They're just such steaming, hyping, smelly pits of massive porridge-faced human dysfunction.
And it drives me crazy.
It's one of these things that, I mean, I just don't hang out with critical people for obvious reasons, right?
But you see it on the Internet.
I don't hang out with critical people, but I do have a minor presence on the Internet.
And occasionally I get these lectures.
Like this one guy was posting saying, you know, Steph, you really got to go back on Joe Rogan because you're too isolated.
Just, you know, give me all these lectures.
Or the people who say, Steph, I know how to help you.
Really engage in social media, right?
And I look at them and they have like 12 followers and it's like, oh, come on, right?
But this hypercritical, everybody knows what you should be doing.
Everyone tells you what you should be doing and they show no success.
No success in what they're lecturing other people in any way, shape or form, right?
Like your mom was probably like, well, it's important to be nice and polite and good.
But she couldn't manage any of it.
And the thing about this hypercriticism, and I've said this before on the show, but it's been a long time, so I'm going to mention it again.
See, the hypercritical people, they think they're controlling you or they're controlling me, but they're not.
Because, I mean, just speaking for myself, I'll just keep going on and doing my thing, right?
But they are trapping themselves because they've created this universe where you put one foot theoretically wrong and And all of the flame-based sort of Damocles fall down upon your most sensitive soulful spots and rend you limb from limb, right? You just get sliced and diced up fruit ninja style.
And they don't actually trap others.
I mean, anyone with a brain.
They trap themselves.
There's this hypercriticism.
I mean, I just walk through it like a bunch of cobwebs, right?
But they, it turns into iron bars behind me, and they're stuck there.
And there's hypercriticism stuff.
There's people I will take great feedback from, and I will ask them for feedback, and I will course-correct base.
But, you know, just the average person.
Anyway, I just wanted to point that out, because I don't know where you sit emotionally.
With regards to your mom and your mom's criticisms and so on.
But your mom sounds like an intergalactic, black hole, loser, clusterfrag of the gods.
And I just hope that that's part of the perspective in your mind when you think about her endless, drip, drip, acid, Chinese water drop criticisms of you.
When I think about my mom, I feel a mixture of Intense anger, but also pity.
I feel that she hated herself so much, and I remember her having problems with food.
She didn't want to eat.
She always thought that she was fat, even though she was very, very thin.
And so thinking about her telling me to suck my belly in and not look so chubby when I'm in elementary school makes sense in that context.
It was herself that she had problems.
Problem with and it seemed like it was projected onto me.
And how's that all played out for her?
Oh, we don't we don't talk now.
It's been maybe eight months since I spoke to her last.
She is still a very unhappy person.
She's remarried and has another child with her new husband.
I have a ten-year-old half-sister, stepsister, whatever you want to call it, and I see her making a lot of the same moves that she made with me now with the new family.
Right. Not so intense.
She's mellowed out a lot.
Well, that's just wearing down.
You know, it's just water wears away the stone, right?
I mean, dysfunctional habits when they lack the hysteria and just youthful energy that you have when you're young.
I mean, it's not like she's mellowed out.
She's just worn out. Yeah.
Yeah. And it means also that she's married a weak man, right?
Yeah. Oh God, yeah.
And this troubles me.
It just troubles me enormously when it comes to male-female relationships that men have become so cowed and so spineless and so can't say boo to a mouse.
And it's really desperately bad because women need feedback.
Men need feedback. Now, men get an excess of feedback, most of it verbal abuse from the media and from culture and so on.
But women need feedback.
Women need course corrections.
It's one of the great things about being in a relationship is you don't have to watch your own back.
You don't have to obsess over every move because you've got someone to look out for you.
And if the men aren't looking out for the women, if the men aren't saying, whoa, whoa, whoa, it was way too harsh what you just did with that kid.
Like, let's... Let's sort this out.
Let's fix this up. But men have just been like, I don't know if it's like a women are wonderful effect and men are just pigs and have nothing of value to say.
And it's like, it's crazy though.
I mean, to be silent in a relationship and to be that cowed in a relationship, I don't know, it's just a massive exercise in testicle self-erasure.
And it just, it's really common.
And it's really sad.
I mean, I respect women enough to tell them the truth and I expect women to do the same to me and help me out as well.
Yes. Yeah, my stepdad is definitely a big wuss, to put it mildly.
Well, and his daughter is paying the price?
His daughter with my mom, as well as his daughter from a previous marriage.
When they got together, he already had a, I think she was about eight at the time.
And she is a little bit developmentally delayed.
Not terribly, not to the point to where she was in special ed classes, but they were certainly worried.
Yes, and eventually she was diagnosed with ADD, and my mom's go-to solution is medication.
She thinks that children who are difficult should just be medicated, and then they will be convenient.
So this girl is a really, really sweet girl, and My mom was just terrible to her.
Just awful. And she would...
My stepdad and my mom would fight over it.
But in the end, I think he just...
Would fight over what? Allowed her to...
Over the way that she treated his daughter from the previous marriage.
She was very cruel to her.
She would get frustrated.
She would... Accuse her of...
My mom did this with me, too.
She would always accuse me of being manipulative or...
Sorry, I shouldn't laugh, but it's just such projection, right?
Yeah, absolutely.
Absolutely. And this girl, she was the sweetest, sweetest girl.
And my mom would just accuse her of having a bad attitude and of being manipulative and all these things.
But she was really just trying her best to get by without any conflict.
And my stepdad, I feel, should have protected his daughter and should have really stepped up and said, no, you can't treat my daughter this way.
This is unacceptable.
If you treat my daughter this way, you've got to go.
But I think he is a little bit afraid of my mom and her outbursts.
Her abuse, right?
Yes. So he let her just do whatever she wants.
Yeah, I mean, it is one of these grim, circular death marches of history that the products of bad parenting, half of mysticism, half of modern fantasy pharmacology is just a magic wand to exercise the demons of bad parenting and putting it into the broken synapses of broken children.
I mean... When people first...
This is back to Freud, right?
When Freud first began to suspect the amount of child abuse that was occurring in 19th century Vienna, particularly sexual abuse, his patients were all saying, yeah, I'm being abused, I'm being sexually abused.
This little window opened up where some truth and some facts about maltreatment of children could come out and he's like, nope!
Slamming that door shut!
It's all fantasy. It's not that the father raped the daughter, it's that the daughter secretly wants to be raped by the father.
It's like, oh my god, what a monster.
What a monster. And...
You know, the same thing happened with the trauma with soldiers in the First World War.
They called it shell shock because they couldn't figure out why brave guys who'd been sitting in a trench having rats gnaw on their frozen toes while bombs exploded all around them for three or four years were just not able to function.
And they said, oh, it's shell shock.
You know, it just damages the brain.
It's nothing to do with trauma.
And then I think it was after the Second World War it was some...
Doctor who first began to piece together that all the kids coming in with broken bones weren't exactly falling out of trees or down the stairs, but they were being beaten up by their parents.
And then there was this little brief window, and then the pharmaceutical revolution took over, and now it's just, well...
Bad brain chemistry. We can fix it with pills.
And, of course, all of the abusive parents are just reaching for this, like an alcoholic for the last drink on the planet, because then they don't have to look in, but they don't have to deal with the evils that they've committed.
They can just drug their children, just like the Soviet Union would drug dissidents.
Hey, communism is wonderful.
If you don't love communism, clearly you're insane and need to have horse tranquilizers stuffed up your ass until you can gallop like a filly.
And it's just wretched.
Just this basic idea that there's a lot of bad parenting out there.
And it's because with feminism, it's one of the things I actually liked about feminism, was it did say, yeah, there's a lot of bad marriages, and some of women's unhappiness has to do with bad relationships.
It's like, can you imagine if it was like, well, you know, if your wife's unhappy, just drug her.
You know, just drug her because clearly she's unhappy because she's insane or her brain is not functioning.
So just drug her, right?
And yet we put children in these horrible government schools and terrible social environments and predatory children roaming the hallways.
And it's like, well, if they're unhappy, well, clearly they just need to be drugged.
No need to look at the system and see if that needs to be fixed.
So, yeah, it is really tragic.
And I guess they did get her on the meds, right?
They did, and my mom has a master's degree in psychology, so she really believes in it.
She has a master's degree in psychology, and she believes in that kind of treatment.
But psychologists, I don't know, they can't prescribe, can they?
I mean, don't you have to be a psychiatrist to do that?
She can't prescribe, but it's something that she really believes in.
She's dedicated a good chunk of her life to being educated.
Or indoctrinated, whatever you want to say.
Master's degree in psychology.
And this is how she parents. It's almost like a doctor studying the human body, not to heal it, but to figure out where the pain points are.
I think she was trying to figure herself out.
No, she wasn't. No, no, no.
No, she wasn't. No, if you want to figure yourself out, it's not that hard.
I mean, it's not that complicated, right?
You just ask people in your life what you're like, what their feedback is, how you can improve, how you can be different, how you can be better.
I do it with people in my life all the time.
How was your day? Anything I could have done different?
Anything I could have done better?
You know, how is me being the provision of services known as friend, lover, husband, father, you name it.
I do it with the audience all the time.
You know, what do you like? What shows do you prefer?
And I do it with listeners in the call-in shows.
How was this called for you? Was it helpful?
Anything I could have done? So that's the first step, right?
Just ask people for honest feedback on who you are and how you are, right?
You don't have to go and get a master's degree of, Narcissistic justification or whatever her specialty was.
Right. Anyway, yeah, no, she was not interested.
Because, you know, I mean, if you're interested in knowing who you are, you know, a great place to go is to ask your kids.
I mean, my daughter knows so much about me, even things that I don't know, right?
Because I have a world to study and she's at home, right?
So she picks up on a lot of things.
It's not that hard to get that process started.
If you have people in your life who are honest, and I'm sure you would be honest with your mom.
At that time... Yes.
Now I... It's interesting.
When I was a teenager, I had no problem telling her exactly what I thought.
But when I became an adult, somehow I started to placate her more.
I really wanted to have a relationship with her, and I really tried for 10 years after I moved out to be close with her and to try to heal some of the damage.
And what that really was was just...
being truthful.
Which is why I eventually just cut contact completely.
Yeah, it's funny.
There is a lot of truth told to parents in the teenage storms, right?
It's harsh and sometimes ugly, but then of course sometimes the truth that need to be told are harsh and ugly.
There's a lot of truth to be told in the teenage storms, and it does...
Yeah, you're right. Late teens, early 20s, you just diminish.
And I think that's just giving up.
That's just like just giving up.
And then you just kind of tread water for a while, and then often it just drowns.
Yeah, and I think in my mind, I just thought, well, she's just a very limited person, so I have to work with What her limitations are if we're going to have a relationship, and that means that I need to say things a certain way, if at all, and to be very careful.
Right. Now, what happened eight months ago?
I had been listening to your show for about a year.
So it's my fault.
I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.
Go on. Well, it helped me a lot.
And I would hear from other people who had parents that would behave in just completely unacceptable ways.
And sometimes I would see parallels to how she and I interacted.
And I started to get really angry.
I realized that what I thought was an okay, although shallow, relationship was actually not okay.
And it was still affecting my life negatively.
That is a very generic answer there.
Was there anything in particular that happened?
Or you just drifted off?
I called her and I told her that I didn't want to talk to her.
Anymore. I called her and I said that I didn't feel that I could trust her and when things are good in my life, I didn't want her near them.
And I told her that when I tried...
Wait, so you said when things were good in my life, I didn't want her near them?
You mean you didn't want you near her?
I didn't want her...
For example, if I achieved something that I was proud of, I wouldn't want to tell her because I didn't want her to...
Crap all over it and taint goodness that I felt.
And things were going really well with my then boyfriend.
He proposed to me and I knew that when I had children I didn't want her around them.
And I knew that when I got married I didn't want her to be there.
And so I I told her that I felt like I couldn't be close with her, and she told me that she didn't want to be close to me.
And so I said, well, why are we wasting our time at all?
Let's just not talk. She didn't want to be close to you.
Yes. So, yeah, so that's, yeah, I mean, that's pride, right?
That's, you know, you can't fire me, I quit!
Right? Yes.
Just as a master's degree in psychology would teach you is the right approach to that situation.
All right. Book-wise, book-wise.
And that was it?
Yes, and I have not heard from her since.
Yeah, you know, it's funny about really selfish people.
You know, we bend over backwards to accommodate them and try and find a way.
But then if we're not around them, they don't miss us.
We go through all this storm and stress to maintain these relationships.
It's kind of pointless. You know, it's like, because if the person's really selfish, you've never been there for them emotionally, right?
Because, you know, you can't hit someone that you love.
I mean, that's how you know the person has dehumanized you in their mind, right?
Like they've made you this alien other or whatever.
And so if you've never been a real person in someone's mind and you leave them, Other than some of the social stigma, but they don't miss you, like, because you were never there, really.
And it's a funny thing that you only kind of learn on the other side.
I think it might have been a bit of a relief for her, to be honest, because...
Well, if the alternative was you telling her the truth, yeah, I'm pretty sure it was.
And I think she was...
She didn't feel that I lived up to how I should be...
In order for her to look good, if that makes sense.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. She really wanted me to be a certain way so that she would have the social clout, and I did not give that to her.
Right. Right.
And now, with regards to the promiscuity, I mean, you don't have to give me exact numbers, of course, right?
You don't have to give me any numbers. But promiscuity means many things to many people.
What are we talking here? I would...
When I was between the ages of 16 and really only for a year and a half to two years, 16 to 18, all of a sudden I had all this male attention that I had never had before.
The flood of power.
Yes, yes. And I was in high school such a loader.
I'm not a freak! I have tits!
Yes, exactly, exactly.
There's everybody's little gif just for the show.
I know that's going to show up somewhere.
So now I walk into a room and men look at me.
And this feels amazing to me.
And so I would flirt whenever possible.
I mean, just looking back, just, oh my god, it's so ridiculous.
And I had a few one-night stands.
I... Sorry, were they one night stands because you didn't really like the men or did you want more and it didn't pan out?
They just didn't want to call me again.
Right. Yeah.
And so that happened a couple times.
And the main thing that sticks out from that time though, and I think what kind of launched that period for me was when I was 16, I began a kind of relationship with somebody I would now consider a pedophile.
La la la la la. What's that?
Sorry, I couldn't form the words there.
Sorry, I started a relationship with somebody that...
Oh no, I heard the words, I just...
What?
How old was he? Well, he was 26 or 27 when I was 16.
Yeah, again, the technical terms, there's somewhere, I think, is it hemophilia?
Somewhere between being a child and being of age.
But yeah, I mean, it's creepy and nasty and wrong and illegal, I assume.
Yes, illegal, definitely.
And now that I'm that age, the idea of having a 16-year-old boyfriend is just disgusting.
I would never consider anything like that.
I mean, when I see a 16-year-old, I think...
They're a kid. Oh, yeah.
It's like, let's make out, then I'll teach you how to shave.
It's like, that is... That's just bad all around.
Just bad all around.
How did you meet this creep?
At a Starbucks, of all places, in line.
Wow. Yeah.
Guy was...
Guy was taking a bit of a risk there.
Yeah. I mean, how pretty were you that it's like, yeah, could be five to ten, but...
Anyway. Wow, that's something else.
Although he gambled right, right?
You didn't go to the cops, right?
No. How long did that last?
About almost a year.
Wow. Did he lose interest when you got older?
No, I stopped talking to him.
Right. Wow.
Okay. And I started dating somebody that I considered to be kind of a real relationship and not just I come over to smoke pot and have sex.
So what's your number range in terms of partners?
Somewhere between seven to ten.
And was it shortly after this you met the man who became your husband?
No, I didn't meet him until later.
I had a few longer relationships between then and meeting my husband.
And once I was in something that was an actual relationship, I no longer found it interesting to be in these kind of casual sexual relationships.
Because I felt what it was like to just be with one person consistently and I obviously preferred that.
And was the daily pot use going on?
16 plus? Where are we cresting?
It started when I was with the older guy when I was 16 because he manufactured marijuana products for the dispensaries.
And so I would get really loaded every time I saw him, and I would see him pretty frequently.
So your brother introduced you, but he was kind of plying you with it, so to speak, right?
Yeah, I think my brother and I only smoked together a couple times.
It wasn't a regular thing with him and I. So this creepster was preying upon an underage girl and plying her with pot?
Yes. Okay.
All right. Have you ever looked him up since?
Please tell me he's gone to prison.
I have looked him up, but I didn't find anything about him.
I've wondered if maybe now he's available on the websites where you can see where the pedophiles live around you.
I thought maybe he would be...
Or maybe he's just a denizen with the dark web, right?
I don't know. Right.
All right. All right.
And my mom did know that I was...
And as long as I was home by midnight, she really wasn't concerned about it.
And she knew his age? I think so.
He came over to the house one time, and she met him, and I'm fairly certain she knew his age.
Well, I mean, she would be aware that he wasn't your age.
I don't care how many four-skid facial creams you use.
You ain't looking 16 at 27.
Exactly. Wow.
Holy crap. Good riddance to bad rubbish, as my aunt used to say.
What's that? Good riddance to bad rubbish, as my aunt used to say.
Yeah. All right.
All right. Okay, so you then went to college?
I moved out when I was 17.
I was almost 18.
I moved out and moved in with the guy that I was seeing at the time, who was also a bit older than me, but not so much.
And... He was an alcoholic so we were drinking quite a bit and I was working and I started going to community college and I eventually went to a trade school and I learned to trade and I continued to take art classes in my free time.
What was your trade? I was a hair stylist.
Alright. And you met your husband at some point in here?
Yeah, so I had a couple more relationships after that that were a bit longer and definitely not great.
And I ended a four-year relationship at the same time that my husband's then-fiancé ended their relationship.
And he and I had been friends for a couple years at that point and I had always really liked him but I didn't want to make a move because I was with somebody and he was with somebody and so I really just kept it buttoned up and so when we were both single we pretty much immediately dove into a relationship together.
You mean shortly after the breakups of your existing relationships?
Yes. Like what time frame would we be talking here?
This is about...
Oh, no, no. I mean, sorry, a time frame between, let's say, his fiancée dumping him and dating you?
Oh, God, almost immediately.
Maybe a month. Right.
Not a lot of time to process and learn lessons, though, right?
No, and it was a bit of a problem the first year that we were together.
I think he was feeling very confused, and he liked me a lot, but he also still was processing and...
Had some feelings for his ex, whereas by the time I broke up with my ex, I was completely over him, although I hadn't been integrated.
Yeah, I was ready to get out.
But I don't think I had really integrated the lessons that I should have learned from that relationship before diving into being with Matt.
And was he using pot during this time frame as well?
Yes. And has he ever tried harder drugs, to your knowledge?
No, he hasn't.
And is his smoking schedule similar to yours?
He smokes a lot less than I do, and he doesn't wake up and start smoking immediately.
Not the wake and bake, okay.
Right. All right, all right.
So now you want to have kids?
Yes. And...
You've got your pot down to what?
Um... Once a day, sometimes twice, and actually the last two days I have not smoked, which is definitely an achievement for me, even though it doesn't sound like very much.
No, no, that's a big deal.
That is a big deal for a daily habit that's been going on for close on a decade, right?
Yes. Yeah, that's a big deal.
And how do you feel?
I feel more confident because Once I get past a couple days, I start to feel like, well, now I can't smoke because then the two days that I resisted would be a waste.
Yes. Right.
Right. Well, congratulations.
Good for you. Thank you.
Would your husband say that you were addicted if he was asked?
Yes. And trusted whoever was asking?
Yes. Right.
And does he want to quit as well?
I guess not, right? He doesn't want to, but he said that he will because I think he recognizes that it's going to be the best thing to support me.
I mean, obviously, I can't smoke while I'm pregnant, and he doesn't want that either.
And so he's willing to... Well, he shouldn't even smoke while you're trying to get pregnant, right?
I assume it has something to do with sperm as well, right?
Exactly. Exactly. And so he's willing to...
But where we disagree is that he wants to put it in storage and I want him to throw it away or give it away.
You mean the pipes, the bowls, the whole lot?
Yes. So he wants like an option for down the road?
Yes. And what is his reasoning behind that?
Is it like, well, I just think I'm going to need it or I like it and I don't want to quit, I'm not addicted or what?
I think both.
I think... To him, he says that it's not a big problem for him and it's much easier for him to quit.
But he likes it.
And when we met, he smoked.
And now I'm asking him not to, even though I married him knowing that he smokes.
Well, that's not the greatest of arguments.
I mean, we're not allowed to change from the moment we meet someone ever because that's who you are.
I mean, he hasn't said that, but that's kind of...
No, but that's the logic. That would be the logic, right?
Yeah, and he said in case of emergency, but I can't imagine an emergency that requires smoking pot.
I think he wants the option for later, and he said that maybe down the line he wants to go see a movie by himself.
He would like to be able to smoke and do that.
How much money do you think you've spent on pot over the decade?
I mean, I know for an attractive young woman, it's not always that expensive a habit, so to speak, but I mean, it does cost, right?
It does, but we have friends who have farms and we've done work trade.
Oh, so you're paying time, okay.
Yes, and so we haven't paid as much in cash as it would be worth.
But still, it's still an expense for being strapped.
I mean, I have debt right now, so I really can't justify that.
Oh, debt from school? I have debt from school, and while I was in school, I also racked up credit card debt.
On what? Oh, just like school stuff?
Just to cover my cost of living while in school.
My loans didn't cover it completely.
Yeah, no, I came out of school somewhat in debt, so I know how that happens.
All right, so... If you're able to do two days, what do you think the difference is?
I mean, obviously, it's this conversation.
No. What is, do you think, the difference that allowed you to do the two days leading up to this convo?
My husband packed away all of our weed and smoking devices, and I actually don't know where he put it, but it's not in my immediate reach anymore.
So I don't see it sitting on the counter when I walk by.
And when I'm laying in bed and I can't sleep and I wish that I could smoke, it's not right next to me.
So that delay, you know, I don't want it bad enough to go drive and go buy some.
And so if it's not right there, then I just, okay.
Yeah, Seth Rogen doesn't live anywhere near you.
So yeah, it's not as easy.
Alright, so lack of...
And has the expected disaster of your emotional anxiety, has that occurred?
Not a complete disaster at all.
My husband and I have fought a little bit and I yelled at him and I really don't want to yell at him.
He's my favorite person and so when I yell at him I feel like I'm just shooting myself in the foot.
I'm damaging our relationship.
I'm not in control.
And then I think if I'm yelling at my husband, what would stop me from yelling at my children when I have them?
Right. And what were you yelling at your husband about?
Actually over the weed thing because I... Yeah.
I felt like he was not supporting me in the way that I want him to.
And I also felt that by...
Storing it rather than throwing it away, that's sort of a noncommittal thing because he's just leaving the door open for later and I want to quit, quit and be done and make the change permanent.
And I'm afraid that when I have a small child, he's going to be smoking and then I don't want that.
I don't want him holding the child while he's high and I don't want that imprinting on the kid.
And I want him to be present.
He's pretty forgetful and it's really noticeable when he smokes.
That stereotype, right?
Where are my keys, man?
Right? Yeah. Yeah, okay.
All right. And so what's the best use of our time together?
How can I help you the most?
I guess what I'm wondering is How I can calm myself down before this sort of snowball effect happens, because it takes sometimes just a small trigger.
And before I know it, I am beyond upset, way more upset than the situation calls for.
And I'm feeling like I'm abandoned and unsupported and There's nobody for me and nobody cares about me and I'm alone and just total...
The tsunami of mom comes in, right?
Yes. Right. Okay.
So, I mean, I can tell you my thoughts about how to calm anxiety.
Be safe. And if you are in a safe environment, remind yourself continually that you're in a safe environment.
Like, you can't tell someone to calm down.
If they've fallen off a cruise ship and there are shark fins around, right?
Saying to someone, hey man, relax!
It's not going to cut it because they are in a genuine situation of danger, right?
But if somebody's sitting in a hammock in a resort and it's not the Dominican Republic these days, then they are in a safe environment.
And being able to train yourself to distinguish those two is really, really important, right?
Because the pot smoking to manage the emotions was continually telling your emotions, we're still in danger.
Right? I mean, if you keep taking painkillers, your body is like, oh, are we still in pain?
We must still be in pain.
It's taking painkillers, right? Right?
And that's physiological, but with the emotional side, if you are self-medicating, you're saying that you're still in a situation of danger, right?
Now, the danger may have become internalized.
In other words, you're no longer worried about the external sources of danger.
You're now worried about the internal experience of anxiety, right?
Yes. Now, is there anything in your environment that could be triggering the fight-or-flight mechanism?
I think it's the instability.
I do really well when I have a very consistent schedule and I can plan everything out and everything kind of stays the same week to week in terms of when I wake, when I sleep, when I exercise, when I work.
And right now, I've just moved back from...
You don't have to give me any geographical details, but you've moved, right?
Yes. Yes, I've moved after finishing school and I... I'm living in a kind of temporary space.
We're living with the in-laws until we can pay off debt and get into our own place again.
And it's a very temporary situation.
So it's your husband's parents, right?
Yes. And they're fine with him just like smoking pot?
I didn't think that we would smoke when we got here.
And I don't think they notice a whole lot because it's Pretty minimal.
So when I've been smoking, it's been at night, right before bed, and it's away from the house.
Oh, you go outside?
Yes. Right.
And so I don't think they know the extent of it.
They know that we've smoked pot, but I don't think they're that concerned because they don't know how much.
Okay, got it.
They think it's kind of just like a fun thing here and there.
Right, right. Okay. Right.
But that's a situation of instability, but not of danger, right?
Correct. Yeah, I'm totally safe, and I have good people around me.
And how is your husband, how is his headspace for having kids?
He's really excited.
Oh, good. He really wants to have kids, yeah.
Okay, so that's good, because if you didn't want kids, that would be a big change, right?
Right. Aha! Aha!
See, that's what you could use with him, right?
Because when you got together, you didn't want to have kids, right?
Now you do want to have kids and he's very excited about that, right?
Yes. So look at that.
You changed. Yeah.
So he can give up the pot.
Oh, I smoked pot when you met me.
He's like, yeah, I didn't want kids when you met me.
You're happy I changed, aren't you?
Yeah. That's your little...
See, when you have like ironclad logic, you don't need to raise your voice, right?
I still do sometimes. But, you know, you don't have to.
That certainty of logic, right?
I don't think he sees it as something that would be terribly negative for a parent to do as long as it's out of sight of the kids.
But to me, I think being a good parent...
This bit's just for him, okay?
This bit's just for him, alright?
So you don't even have to listen to this part.
Dude, you can't be smoking pot around your kids.
You can't. You can't.
First of all, you need to be alert and you need to be emotionally present.
You need not be lost in yourself.
You need not be on the fog of the green or anything like that.
You need to be present for your children.
And you never know when an emergency might happen, right?
Let's say that your wife is holding your child, and heaven forbid she trips on the stairs, and you've got to drive them to the doctors.
You've got to be alert. Oh, it's late at night, I can smoke.
It's like, you don't know if your kid's going to throw up in the middle of the night, and then you've got to be alert.
You've got to be clear.
You've got to be there, right?
I mean, I've never been a drinker, but I've not had more than a light beer or maybe a beer one or two, maybe a week in 10 years.
Because I gotta be alert.
That's just the deal.
You know, if you're home alone, you don't have kids, you're home with another adult, well, even if you're another adult, but, you know, disasters aren't gonna happen usually.
But parenting is just a hop, skip and a jump from the chasm of disaster at all times.
You just have to be paranoid in a good way.
And so, no, you can't.
Now you say, oh, when your kids get older and it's like, yeah, but come on.
So let's say you can wait till your kids are 16, right?
And let's say you have kids next year or two, right?
Okay. So now we're talking 18 years or so.
If you stop now, right?
So, you know, 17, 18 years and you're going to be in your 40s.
You really want to pick up a bowl again after 17 or 18 years when you're in your 40s?
That's not a really good idea.
Plus, of course... It's not great for your lungs, right?
I mean, it is kind of like unfiltered cigarettes.
And I know it's not, you know, some people say it's not great for your lungs to be inhaling all that smoke.
And you really want to stay fit because parenting is a lot of exercise.
If you do it right, right? You're with your kids on the play centers.
You're on the swings. I go trampolining with my daughter.
We play motorball or dodgeball in the trampoline courts.
Man, it's tiring stuff. I'm pretty fit, but I'm also 53.
It's a little tiring.
And you want to stay sharp for that kind of stuff.
You want to be alert.
You want to have great reflexes because you never know when your kids are going to plunge off a couch and you're going to be right there.
And if you've had, you know, one doobie too many and your reflexes are slow, man, you could be a face plant on the tile for your kid, right?
You can see these videos.
Like, kids... Being saved by their dads or dads saving kids.
You can see these videos, man. I mean, there's a lot of that ninja stuff in parenting.
You've got to be fast.
You know, your kid's walking towards a glass-edged table in a mall, man.
You've got to be, like, alert.
You've got to be ready. You've got to be aware.
And that's just the deal.
You know, they are little death magnets for quite a long time.
And you just, you never know.
You never know when an accident might happen.
You know, a friend of mine was just playing with his kid in a store and his kid fell and like a tooth got bent, right?
And it's just like, okay, here we go.
Off to the hospital and again. You know, you just, you never know.
And you just need to stay alert.
And you want to be eye contact, emotionally present for your kids.
And also... You want to have the moral authority when they get older if they're tempted by drugs.
And every single kid gets tempted by drinking, by porn, by drugs, by sex, you name it.
Every single kid gets tempted by that.
You do want to have the legitimate authority, which is already fast declining, but you do want to have the legitimate authority to say it's not a good idea, right?
Because then you're going to say, well, it's not a good idea.
At least I hope you'd say it's not a good idea.
Well, you know, it could interfere with your schoolwork.
It's like, yeah. Are you going to say it didn't interfere with your parenting, dad?
Right? It's just tough, right?
And you never want to drive stoned.
And there are times when you're a parent when you have to drive unexpectedly.
You're out of something that the kid needs, you've got to go to the store.
Your kid falls down, you've got to go to the doctor.
You just don't know exactly when you're going to need to get behind the wheel of a car or have to make really important decisions or have to have fast reflexes.
It's just not a good idea.
And if... You're willing to smoke pot even though all of this stuff is not a good idea.
And this, look, it doesn't really apply to cigarettes as much, although with cigarettes there is, you know, just don't do it when you're sleepy.
But cigarettes don't cloud your judgment, right?
It applies to alcohol.
It applies to drugs, of course, and to a variety of other things.
But, you know, whatever's going to cloud you or slow you down, it's just not fair for your kids.
Your kids need the very best of you, and pot is going to just take that away.
And so if you say, well, okay, after this, well, yeah, but I still want to smoke, it's like, well, then you're an addict.
Because it's a really good case.
It's a really good case as to why it's better for your kids and safer for your kids and better for your life as a whole.
Like, let's say you are stoned.
Your kid falls down. You've got to drive to the doctor.
You get pulled over. I mean, you get a ticket.
I mean, driving under the influence.
I mean, it's a big mess.
So if after all of this you say, well, you know, I still want to smoke pot, it's like, okay, well, then you're addicted, right?
And then you have to treat that as an addiction, which means you have to fight it, right?
It's not... It's not a good idea.
I don't like pot in general.
I don't like alcohol as a whole.
You know, you mow the lawn, it's 40 degrees outside.
Yeah, have a light beer, have a beer.
That's not the end of the world, right?
But as a whole, alcohol is, you know, it's beer for guys and wine for girls, right?
That's the bad combo in general.
But... Yeah, just don't do it.
I mean, just don't do it. And, I mean, you'll feel better, right?
You'll save money. Your lungs will be clearer.
Your head will be clearer.
There are some risks associated with long-term chronic pot smoking.
There have been studies that show it costs your IQ. There have been studies that show it's bad for your lungs.
So, you know, just don't do it.
Right? So, that hopefully will be enough for him to...
Make the case. And look, wouldn't you rather have a child than a reefer, right?
Come on, wouldn't you rather have a child than pot?
I mean, if you had to choose, right?
And ideally, you should, right?
I mean, it wouldn't make much sense to say, well, I want to keep being stoned rather than being a dad, right?
And again, I know it's intermittent and all that kind of stuff, but...
Yeah, I would say the way that...
I mean, just say, okay, you know, when my kid's 16, I'll look into it again.
Yeah, okay, and you probably won't want to do it at that point, but I think that would be the case that I would make for it, if that makes sense.
Yeah, and thank you for that.
He and I listened to your show together, and he respects your opinion a lot, so I think that's really valuable.
Yeah, put this on while you're making a baby, and this will solve it all for you.
A little to the left, man. Okay.
Get the romance going.
Yeah, yeah. That's right.
A little big, tiny forehead and candlelight.
And half a glass of wine.
So yeah, I would say that if you can just keep reminding yourself that you are in a safe place, right?
You've got a husband who loves you.
You can do two days without pot.
If you can do two days without pot, you can do three, four, and five.
And when you start to feel that anxiety...
Just, I would say, consistently and continually remind yourself that you're in a safe space, that you're not a child anymore.
You are an adult. You're free of the abuses.
You're free of the abuse. And then the last thing I wanted to ask was how things with your dad?
My dad, things were not good when I was growing up, but I think now he is very remorseful about that.
And he has apologized sincerely and multiple times.
Good for him. Wait, but he doesn't have a degree in psychology, so how could he do that?
Anyway, just kidding. He's a decent human being, right?
My dad is a really good-hearted person, and he and I have a decent relationship.
We talk at least a couple times a month, and...
He's disabled.
What happened?
He has a rare neurological disorder.
He has episodes where he can't think, he can't string words together, he can't walk well, that sort of thing.
Do you have any idea what caused that?
He... I had a manual labor job supporting our family when I was growing up and he injured his back and had to have frequent MRIs and this particular disorder can be caused by when they inject the dye for the MRI, if they inject it into the wrong spot you can end up with this chronic inflammatory neurological disorder.
Wow, that's rough. Yeah, it's very sad.
It's very hard. Yeah, and it certainly makes him less available as a grandparent, but I'm sure to some degree he can.
I would have him around my child supervised.
Right, right, okay. Which means that your husband can't smoke pot.
Because he needs to watch out for when your granddad's around too, right?
Yes. Right. So, yeah, just keep focusing on, you know, it's really easy for the predators to follow us wherever we go, right?
But then there's not much point running away.
There's not much point getting away, right?
And so... I would say, you know, if the mafia is after you, you get into the witness protection program, you're probably okay.
And if you've gotten away from abusers or dysfunctional past and whatever, if there's nothing in your life externally that is causing you significant anxiety, then it's just a matter of smoothing the ruffled feathers of history to the point where You can get a relaxing plumage erupting from you.
Sorry, that metaphor kind of got away from me.
But just keep reminding yourself that you're in a safe and secure place.
Safe and secure position.
And then start nesting like crazy.
Because, you know, if you want to have kids, you know how it goes.
As soon as you get into a place that you can call more your own, just really make it as beautiful and as peaceful and as happy a place as you can.
And just keep reminding yourself.
And you can look at part...
Your temptations depart and say, no, no, no, no.
That was to manage mom.
And mom's gone.
Mom's gone. I don't need to manage mom in my life anymore.
Now, it's hard.
Like, we're not designed for these kinds of changes, right?
I mean, I've said this before on the show.
You grew up in some tribe.
That's your environment. You don't get to leave the tribe.
Your mom's going to be around until she's dead and then she's going to be replaced by someone who's just like your mom, right?
Because it's all the same. We're not designed for this kind of change.
And it's hard for our systems as a whole to To adapt to security from insecurity because insecurity was like a chronic condition for our evolution, right?
Food or disease or predators or dysfunction in the tribe, which was endemic.
So just, you know, tell your jets to calm down, to cool down, that you have escaped the human zoo and it's really only been possible...
For the last little while in human history to actually escape the human zoo.
Some people did it by moving to America from Europe.
Some people do it by moving away from abusive parents.
Some people do it by getting out of bad marriages or whatever.
But there is a way to get away from the predators.
And if you can get away from the predators, that's great.
And then you have to get away from the effects of the predators, which means to calm your system down to say, you know, thank you for your service.
The war is over. You are decommissioned.
Yes. Okay. All right.
How satisfied are you with that answer?
I feel like there's something else you wanted to mention.
I think that's very helpful and I'm definitely going to think it over some more when we're off the call.
Relaxation tapes can be pretty good too.
And yoga, why don't you do the yoga?
Yes, yes. It's really helpful.
I used to do an hour and a half of Ashtanga yoga, followed by an hour and a half of aromatherapy, like massaging with oils and stuff.
That was like my Sunday afternoon for quite a while before I got married, and getting into that deep relaxation state is a great way of undoing all of the stresses of history.
Yeah, and I think reprioritizing that even in a bit of an unstable schedule Perhaps instead of relying on the yoga studio schedule, carving out a space in my home.
Yeah, just do it at home. Yeah.
I mean, don't get me wrong.
Yoga was great fun to watch all the yoga girls.
But, you know, for you, I guess it'd be slightly different.
But, yeah, you can do it at home.
Yeah. Will you keep me posted?
Yeah. Sorry, you were going to say something else?
I have a bit of a lingering...
Concern, which is that...
Aha! I knew it.
Anyway, come on. Yeah, if I have a daughter in particular, I don't want to be...
I don't think I'll be psycho mom, but I don't want to...
Put this kind of perfectionism that I feel towards myself sometimes onto her the way that was done to me.
Oh no, but you see, you won't.
You'll learn from your child.
Do you know why?
Because you will be perfect to your baby.
There will be nothing lacking.
So you will hold your baby, breastfeed, cuddle, play with, eye contact, skin contact, all that kind of good stuff, right?
Show of the world. So you will be perfect for your child.
I didn't know what the potential for perfection was until I became a dad.
You will be perfect for your baby.
And that may be the first time you've ever felt that.
That doesn't mean your baby won't cry.
It doesn't mean your baby won't be upset.
Your baby might even get mad at you, right?
But you will be perfect for your baby because that's how we're designed.
We fit together like the last piece of jigsaw in a thousand-piece puzzle.
So you'll be perfect for your baby.
And once you have experienced that perfection that flows up in the generations, Once you've experienced that, because your baby is unbroken, your baby is undamaged, your baby is pure, your baby is perfect already.
Your baby is born knowing everything that it needs to do to survive, to flourish, to connect.
Your baby is born pure-hearted.
Your baby is born with a near-infinite capacity for devotion, for connection, for love.
And so once you experience the reparenting that comes out of being a parent, and the reparenting comes from the baby, Once you realize that unspoiled love and connection is the most perfect thing in the universe, you'll have a second round of mourning for what you did not experience as a baby, as a toddler, as a child yourself.
But you will stand in that pool of infinity that leads down through the generations.
And you will stand in the giant atoll of your baby's heart Who is delighted to see you?
Who wants nothing more or less than your company?
Who is connected to you in a manner deeper than the tides of heaven?
You will experience that perfection from your child.
And when you experience that perfection from your child, you will no more Be able to harm your child than you would want to start a fire in a beautiful forest or take an axe to a beautiful painting.
Once you have seen the deep eternal mirror of that perfected reflection of a pure heart, You will gain three things.
Love, trust, and courage.
your baby will heal you and won't even know what she's doing.
Wow, that is incredibly reassuring.
Thank you. At least that's how it worked for me.
I'm sure it'll work for you the same way.
That's the beauty of parenthood.
That's what makes it...
In the early days, that's what makes it worthwhile.
So worthwhile. So healing.
And then because your baby is the complete opposite of your mother...
You'll never become your mother.
That's the inoculation.
That's the antidote. My child is the complete opposite of my mother, which means my mother has no holds in our relationship.
They don't even speak the same language.
They're in opposite physics land.
They're not even in the same dimension.
They can't possibly overlap or interact.
My baby is the inoculation against the return of my mother.
It's beautiful. She's a gift from her first breath.
From before her first breath, she was the greatest gift.
And she doesn't even know.
And that's good that she doesn't know.
But that is your inoculation against your mother.
Guaranteed. Okay. Thank you.
You're very welcome. Keep me posted, will you?
Yes, absolutely. I appreciate that.
Thank you so much for your time today.
Thank you, Stefan.
Thank you for your time.
Well, thank you so much for enjoying this latest Free Domain Show on Philosophy.
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