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July 13, 2019 - Freedomain Radio - Stefan Molyneux
39:31
5 Things I've Learned As A Parent
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All right, so here we go!
Things I've learned as a parent in no particular order.
I'm not going to do these chronologically or even in order of importance because, dear God, how much organization can one man provide to his listeners?
Well, apparently not much in my case.
So, I hope this is useful.
So, one of the things that I learned as a parent, for those who don't know, Almost five years into it, stay-at-home dad, one daughter, highly energetic, precocious, argumentative, oftentimes unfriendly to others, which we're working on.
This is, uh... She was digging a hole on a beach the other day, and a little boy wanted to jump into her hole that was filled with water, and she threw herself on top of the entire hole to make sure he couldn't jump in.
I don't know.
I told her afterwards, I said, that wasn't very friendly, but it was very funny, so I'm ambivalent about it.
It's one of her favorite words, ambivalent.
Anyway.
So one of the things that I learned that's really important that I have to remind myself of is that just when you're really really really sick of a particular phase it ends.
In fact one of the signs that a particular phase is about to end is that you're really sick of it and just be patient and all will be done.
So that's an important thing to remember for sure.
So She loved the movie Cars.
We didn't actually watch it very much.
We didn't watch it much at all.
But she loved the character Mater, and as she called it when she was three, Lightning da Queen.
And so for like eight or ten months, I was Mater.
I had to put on this ridiculous accent and pretend to be Rusty.
Well, I'm 46.
Not much pretense in particular was required.
And boy, I got kind of sick of it.
And it ended just as I got really sick of it.
At the beginning, it was fun.
We got to play all these car games and all that.
So there's some particular phase that is occurring.
Just as you get sick of it, it's about to be done.
And you don't have to do anything about it.
Just grit your teeth, go through the last few days, and it will vanish of its own accord.
And my daughter, of course, like all kids, goes through these phases where she's mad about something.
Then it just vanishes like it never was.
And, you know, I point this out to her.
I'm trying to get her to understand that the immediate greed of the moment does not translate into long-term playability.
So I was picking up something in a store the other day.
She saw a giant pencil.
And I said, well, remember this that we got?
And where is it now?
I don't know.
Remember this that you had to have?
You played with it five times.
Now where is it?
I don't know.
Right, so I said, you know, like, you want these things, and I understand that, so in the moment, you want these things, but where does it really go?
You know, is it sustainably playable in the long run?
And she's kind of getting that it's not, and she's starting to change that way.
The other thing is that children can, from quite an early age, take a real view of themselves.
And, you know, I hope you understand this is all anecdotal nonsense, right?
This is... It's not science.
I don't need to say it.
I'm talking about my experience.
It's not science.
But kids can look at themselves in a humorous manner, right?
So my wife makes this fantastic Mac and cheese for a sort of homemade, but every now and then we'll throw on that space dust Kraft Dinner stuff, which my daughter kind of prefers.
So she will continually say, I am not eating any of that of mama's mac and cheese.
I only want the white mac and cheese.
And this sort of happened yesterday.
And she said, I'm only going to eat two bananas for dinner.
I'm like, okay, it's your choice.
It's your body.
And, anyway, so after she started smelling it and watching us eat it, she's like, OK, fine, I will take six bites.
Six bites I will try.
And then, you know, we smiled, we gave her a bite, and she said, mmm, that's good.
And so today I was telling her, you know, we're going to film her next time, we're going to make a video of her next time saying that she likes it.
And she said, why?
I said, come on, you know why.
And she couldn't quite get it, so I said, so that we can show you.
When you say you don't like it, we can show you a video of you eating it and saying that you do like it.
But of course, she has this theory which she puts forward when she doesn't want to eat a particular food that she used to like.
She says, well, Daddy, you know.
You know how it works.
After a certain amount of time, I sometimes don't like food that I used to like.
I said, I don't think that's ever happened with Candy.
Candy is the exception.
So kids can look at themselves and view like that third eye.
It's so important to develop that third eye where you observe your own behavior and can adjust it.
Now that's different from self attacking, right?
Like viewing yourself in a very critical way.
Oh, I did this wrong.
Oh, it's stupid to say that or whatever, right?
But just having the, it's called the observing ego or third eye or whatever.
It's basically the capacity to view what you're doing as if you're not you and evaluate your behavior.
And so teaching her that is, it's really important.
And kids can learn that at a surprisingly early age.
As soon as they start fantasy play, which for my daughter was like two, as soon as they start fantasy play, which comes on like a freaking tornado, like it's just not there one day.
And the next day it's, dadda be this, dadda be that.
I'm so-and-so.
You're so-and-so.
And I find it's a slow process to teach her the observing ego, but it's important to teach her about how she's going to feel about something later, so that she can think, how am I going to feel about this later?
That's really, really important, so that she can say, well, I want this now, but how am I going to feel about it?
You know, a day from now, a week from now, a month from now, or whatever.
And that's important.
It's a great way of curtailing greed is to think of the longer term consequences of it.
So that was interesting.
Interesting to me as well was the degree to which she's really into math.
I think that's, you know, I guess because we never got her a Barbie.
I hate math!
But she's now doing all kinds of math on her fingers and trying to figure out the relationship between numbers.
And, you know, we'll talk about it.
I'll help her out and that kind of stuff.
Because it's not functions and relations that are vector calculus.
So I'm vaguely of use at this point.
So the degree to which children, of course, want to learn without being prompted, you know, like I've... I did for a little while bug her to try and learn how to read.
I know she could, and she definitely can recognize some words and puzzle out some words and so on, but she's just not into learning how to read.
And I can understand that, you know, when I sort of think about what incentives there are for her versus what I want.
Like, I would like for her to read.
I think it would be pretty cool.
But that's my needs, right?
So when I sort of think about, well, what is the benefit of reading for her?
It's difficult, it's frustrating, and she has no particular desire to read all these stories.
She would rather, you know, play or something like that, make up stories as she goes.
And if she has any questions, she always has people to read her stories, you know, friends.
Her mom, me, will read her stories.
So what incentive is there for her to read?
And that's the other thing that I have to remember.
That my agenda is not her incentives.
That is really, really important.
It's something that I've learned.
Her incentives are things that I need to understand as a parent.
Not to impose my agenda, or my time frame, or my schedule on her.
And, you know, biologically they're much closer and more ready to read at around the age of six.
That's when their brains are sort of really ready for it.
So, but you know, I guess every parent, oh my kid was reading early!
My kid left hieroglyphics in the womb.
So my agenda is not the same as her incentives and my job is to figure out her incentives rather than impose My agenda.
Now that doesn't mean that my preferences never hold sway.
I don't want to raise a rampant narcissist.
But it does mean that my job is to figure out not what is important to me, but what is important to her.
And then work with that rather than impose something, some external schedule from outside.
That's really important.
That's something else that I learned.
Another thing that I learned is that Early investment is the key.
Oh my goodness.
Early investment is the key.
She is not the easiest child in the world.
And easy, of course, generally translates into convenient for parents.
And that's not a fair standard to have.
What is convenient to me?
I mean, easy doesn't mean, shouldn't, shouldn't.
Convenient is not a valid standard for parenting, right?
What is a valid standard?
I mean, where is easy a valid standard of value?
I guess easy to open, or whatever it is, easy to get to.
But when, you know, we don't get to say when we have a job, we resign something new.
I'm sorry, that's not very easy for me, so I'm not gonna do it.
It needs to be more convenient for me.
I mean, that's selfish, right?
And, you know, she never slept, she never wanted to... I mean, she always wanted to be held, but not just held, but carried around, like you couldn't even sit with her.
She always had to have something new in her vision.
And that, I mean, that was a real challenge.
I mean, okay, so she's 10 pounds, but, you know, try holding 10 pounds and walking around with it and showing her things for an hour and a half.
And every time you'd sit down, she'd start crying again.
So she wasn't easy.
I mean, she's very strong-willed, which is, I think, my way of saying she has a natural amount of will.
I mean, kids only seem strong-willed to Parents like me who were smashed and broken on the wheel of religion and parenting, teaching and culture.
My will was, you know, completely smashed up and I've reassembled it to some degree, but it's not the same as it being organic, right?
And just like facial reconstruction surgery, you might get a face, but it's not going to be the same as the one you would have had.
And so she's a very strong-willed, and there are times when that's not convenient, but I genuinely believe that putting the time in for the first couple of years, and it is a mind-bending amount of time that needs to be put in, but putting in the The time for the first few years is the foundation of everything.
First three years, first four years, first five years are essential.
Now, it's actually quite interesting, she doesn't need me nearly as much as she used to.
I thought I might have to wait for latency, sort of 7-8 to puberty for that to occur, but she doesn't really need me as much anymore.
She wants to spend time with me and wants me to sort of play with her.
But, you know, I disappeared up for an hour and a half into my study today to work on my wee book and parenting.
And, you know, she was happy to play with her mom and all that.
So this early investment is so key.
You know, spend the time now or spend the time later.
I mean, to take an extreme example, I was reading some psychologist who worked in the prison system who was saying that, you know, some criminal, his parents would come and visit him like every day or every other day and drive for an hour each way and spend an hour visiting with him and so on.
And these are parents who just weren't around when the criminal was a baby.
And he said, you know, how sad it is that the parents have time to visit the child grown up in prison, but did not have the time when the child needed the resources that would have kept him out of prison.
Did not have the time then, but have the time now.
And this, you know, I don't have time kind of stuff is really important, right?
I mean, oh, I don't have time to play right now.
I mean, if you keep that up for long enough, cats in the cradle, blah-de-blah, I mean, you are going to end up with a whole lot of a tougher time when the child becomes a teenager.
As I've argued before, the terrible twos are kind of a mirror of the teenage years, and I did not find the twos to be terrible at all.
And so to me, this investment, you know, sort of 80 to 90 percent of my parenting is done now.
Those first couple of years were really important and so it's really, it's mostly done now.
So the temptation Because, you know, frankly, most of parenting is stuff you'd never be doing if you weren't a parent.
I would not be building blocks on the ground.
I would not be coloring in.
I would not be drawing endless, what are the five shapes?
Line, square, triangle, star, and circle.
I would not be drawing those over and over again.
I might be lying out with, you know, on a blanket in the backyard at 11 o'clock at night watching for meteors, which we did the other night because we got back home late from somewhere.
But most of it, you know, I wouldn't be going crawling around in play centers.
I wouldn't be on the kiddie rides, amusement parks.
I wouldn't be going to splash pads.
I mean, these are just things you wouldn't otherwise be doing.
I mean, it's strange because they're fun.
I mean, it's fun to go and do these things, but these are not things that I would be doing if I weren't a parent.
So most of being a parent, at least I've assumed this goes pretty much forward.
Most of being a parent is doing stuff that you don't want to do.
I mean, I wish I could put it in a nicer way, and I've sort of tried to figure out ways I can put it in a nicer way, but the reality is the reality.
Most of parenting is doing stuff that you don't want to do, or at least that you wouldn't otherwise be doing if you weren't a parent.
I would not be going to little craft centers.
I would not be going to little art stores.
Buying little toys.
I wouldn't be doing those things if I wasn't a parent.
I, you know, not be painting unicorns on my broad expanse of forehead.
Bloody, bloody, bloody.
I mean, you get it, right?
So, most of parenting is doing stuff you don't want to do or you certainly wouldn't be doing if you weren't a parent.
And that was also quite a surprise to me.
I mean, it shouldn't have been when you think about it.
But it really does require an abandonment of ego and an inversion of priorities, whatever priorities you had prior to being a parent.
I mean, I used to work night and day on this show.
And since I became a parent, I don't.
I mean, when was the last time I wrote a book?
I wrote like seven books in the first two or three years of doing this show.
I have not written, other than the Handbook of Human Ownership, a manual for new tax farmers, which is really a short satire piece.
I've written very few articles, and I have written no books.
That's the price you pay.
Even the videos where I get sort of the video images and put them to narration, The ones that are really popular.
I don't do those.
They take too much time.
The documentary takes too much time.
So, putting your kids first means that you have to find pleasure in the connection with your child because you are unlikely to find pleasure in the connection with the activities.
Does this sort of make sense?
So, if you don't have a connection with your child and you're sitting there playing Hungry Hippo, well, Hungry Hippo is really stupid.
It's a dumb game.
And, you know, as is Candyland and Snakes and Ladders and, you know, all the other games that we've played.
As is X's and O's or Noughts and Crosses, which we've been playing for about a year now.
If you're not connected with your child, then you certainly won't be connected to the event, to the activity, because the activity is going to be pretty dull.
Hey, look!
We're putting lines of sparkle on construction paper again.
I'm so excited!
So, if you don't have the connection with your child, then it will be very alienating and boring and frustrating to perform activities with your child.
I mean, to me, fundamentally just about everything is an excuse for chatting.
We drive, it is an excuse for chatting.
We do coloring, it's an excuse for chatting or talking about things.
I'm all about the conversation and even play is an excuse for chatting.
So the connection with the child is everything and if you're not connected with your children, Then it's like going to bad movies with strangers.
I mean, it's just, what am I doing?
What am I doing here?
And you get this weird feeling when you're not connected.
I know I spent 150% of my time connected with my daughter.
There are times when I'm thinking of other things.
I need to bring myself back.
But there, you know, there are these bursts of irritation or boredom or frustration that I would experience when engaged in an activity where I was going through the motions, not connected with my child, myself, and recognizing that I could not be connected to the activity.
Connection with the child is all, as Ian Foster said a century and a bit ago, only connect.
Connection is the key.
If you're connected, then almost everything could be fine.
So last night I did a crossword with my wife.
I don't particularly like crosswords.
But doing it with my wife was just hilarious.
It was really, really fun.
Coming up with goofy answers and brainstorming about what it could be.
I mean, we were just giggling like crazy.
It was so much fun.
Because we're connected to each other.
But if I was not connected with her, I would not be doing the crossword puzzle.
And wouldn't be chatting with her.
But if I was not connected with her and we were doing a crossword puzzle, I'd be sort of bored and distracted and snappy and irritable.
So connection with the people is the key to almost every activity that you're doing.
You could be doing something fun, but if you're disconnected from everyone, it's really not that much fun.
and you could be doing something Boring, you know, like cleaning out the basement or stuff, but if you're connected and chatting with people, it's a lot of fun.
So the key thing is, parenting is boring unless you're connected, and then it's wildly fun.
And so focusing on the connection with your child is essential, and focusing on the connection with everyone in your life is really, really important.
Now, what do I mean by connection?
Well, a connection is when you are having A non-mechanical back and forth where you're actively listening and thinking and responding.
You know, so somebody says, how you doing?
You say, fine.
I've even had it to the point where somebody says, what's new?
And I say, fine, because I'm just so used to hearing how you're doing.
Or in Africa, how's it?
So when you're actually listening, don't know what you're going to say, and responding by thinking...
I'm feeling in the moment.
That's a connection.
That's a live connection.
It's not just a dead unplugged wire between two people, but it's a live connection back and forth.
When you're having the same old boring argument with your spouse, which I haven't had in years, but if you do, that's not connection.
Because you know what you're going to say next and you're usually angled to win and so on.
That's not connection.
But when you're discussing something new, that's quite interesting.
Well, I was listening to Girl Writes What.
Hi, Karen!
And she was talking about going on the Tom Likert show, so I looked him up, listened to his show.
Kind of shocking, kind of interesting.
As a minor media personality, it's worth listening to people who've had an enormous amount of success.
And, you know, he is pretty confrontational, pretty cynical, particularly around women, but worth listening to.
And, you know, chatting about that with my wife, it's an interesting perspective to explore this kind of player, vengeful male market kind of thing.
It's interesting.
I mean, I'm just relentlessly curious about this.
I find it almost impossible to get offended By things.
I'm just always curious about what the perspective is, what the argument is, and what it says about the personality, where it might have come from, where it's going, what it's for.
I just... Something a French philosopher wrote years and years ago.
He said, nothing human is alien to me.
And I kind of like that perspective.
It doesn't mean I don't have any judgment about things.
It just means that I'm really quite curious.
So, you know, when we're chatting about that, the stuff that Tom Likas and co.
talk about, I mean, I don't know what she's going to say.
I don't know what I'm going to say to what she's going to say.
That's called a connection.
That's called it being live.
Baby live.
Now that the day is over.
So, focus on that sort of stuff.
If you focus on the connection, then all human activity becomes a conduit for Conversation.
For true conversation.
For connection.
And sometimes that doesn't happen, like for half the day.
And it drives me a little bit batty.
It does happen.
And sometimes it'll happen for like an hour or two straight.
I mean, you can't sort of will it necessarily.
You can create conditions wherein it's more likely to occur.
You know, we're sitting in a car.
She has no electronics.
We're most likely more likely to chat.
I come up with an interesting topic or an interesting question.
You know, how do you know if somebody's a friend or not?
And we can talk about that.
So...
Or, you know, finding the irrational limits of children's shows, I think is important.
Why does Caillou never grow up?
Why does he have no hair?
All these kinds of things.
These are all interesting questions, right?
And you can talk about that stuff.
So the connection is the key.
Once you have the connection, then the activities become accessories to the connection, and therefore they have value.
If you don't have the connection, then the activities are, you know, empty, boring, Exercises in ritual self-alienation that become irritating and frustrating.
And a lot of the impatience that I see parents have, come here, do this, don't do that, come on, let's do this, we're late, it's because there's no connection.
And because there's no connection, they're bored and frustrated with everything.
And if there's no connection, then the activities the children want to do become an interference to any pleasure that the adult might have.
Right.
If the adult wants to go to a bookstore and the child wants to go to a toy store and no one's connected with anyone, then it becomes, OK, well, I guess I'll sacrifice going to the bookstore to go to yet another goddamn toy store.
There's this irritation and impatience, frustration.
It's win-lose.
But if you're connected, then going to the toy store can be fun.
Go to the area with the science experiments and explain what science is and all that kind of stuff.
It can be a lot of fun.
So when there's connection, just about everything becomes win-win.
And when there's no connection, it becomes kind of lose-lose, right?
Because let's say you say, well, I'm not going to the toy store.
We're going to the bookstore.
Well, the kid sort of drags his ass and is resentful and climbs slowly and hangs his head and pouts.
And you don't really have a fun time at the bookstore anyway.
And so on, right?
So if I have to go look at an electronics store, I'll try and find one with a set of keyboards, like the Source or something, and let her play on the keyboards while I have a look for my 1200th USB backup drive for my videos or whatever.
That's another sort of interesting thing that I've really focused on.
If you're bored or alienated as a parent, focus on connection.
Really focus on reconnecting with your child and ask questions and be interested and talk about things that you haven't talked about before and don't nag.
Nagging is the opposite of connection.
Helping your child to recognize that they're aging is also something that I found quite interesting as a parent.
So, a lot of Missy's friends are older, and that's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, she likes it, because she can boss them.
Because, you know, older kids, they tend to defer to the toddler's wants, needs, and desires, because they're gracious and blah, blah, blah.
Socialize all the kids.
And it makes sense, right?
Kids her age, it's tough.
They'll do some parallel play, but they won't really play with each other.
whether they're too young to really organize and follow through on games and so on.
So, with kids who are younger than her now...
And now that she's four and a half or so, four and three quarters, four and two thirds, now that she's that age, she can actually mentor two and three year olds.
She's not really aware of that because she's just, you know, they're little kids or whatever, right?
She doesn't know that she's old enough to actually, I said, you know, with the boy on the beach, you could have taught him how to scoop out the sand.
You could have taught him how to get the bucket.
You could have taught him how to make A sandcastle, because you know these things and he would be interested in learning and he seemed like a nice boy.
He was a nice boy.
We're chatting with the parents, they seem very nice too.
But she was not aware that she could be a mentor because she's so used to having older people teach her things.
And so helping her to sort of understand that was important.
The other thing that I learned was, or I'm learning, is that even when you feel like bailing on something that's frustrating or off-putting or hurtful, that's important, really important to stay in the conversation.
So the other day we had a fairly long drive and I climbed into the back seat to sit with Izzy and we were listening to some Music and I hummed a few bars and she said, you know, Daddy, is it all right if you don't sing?
And that bothered me.
She has this thing where only she wants to sing or only she gets to sing.
And part of me just wanted to say, OK, well, I'm going to, if you don't want me to come back here and sing or, you know, because she was not chatty, just listening to music and I'm not, so I wanted, part of me wanted to say, OK, so you are, You know, you wanted me to come back here.
I came back here.
You're not talking to me and you won't let me sing.
So I'm just kind of sitting here in this uncomfortable middle seat and got nothing to do.
And so part of me is just like, well, I'm going to go back up.
It's sort of a, you know, I'll teach her through withdrawal, you know, I'll punish her through withdrawal.
And I'm going to go climb up into the front seat and go chat with mama because I'm just sort of sitting back here.
But I didn't, right?
I mean, I sort of sat there for a moment, and then she said, Daddy, are you upset?
And I said, yeah, I'm a little upset.
She said, well, why?
I'm sorry you're upset.
She said, but what happened?
And so I sort of explained it to her.
And we ended up having, like, a fantastic conversation.
I had to sort of explain to her that she likes My Little Pony, and some of the songs that are her favorites are the ones where they all sing together.
They harmonize, right?
A true, true friend.
They all harmonize, right?
And so if only one of them was saying, said, imagine, you know, it's really lovely when they all sing together.
And harmonize.
And if only one of the ponies, like if Rainbow Dash came out, when everybody was supposed to sing and said, nobody gets to sing except me, everybody else stop singing.
Well, it wouldn't sound nearly as nice, and the other ponies would be upset, and blah, blah, blah.
Right?
So there are some times when only one of them sings, and that's great.
But there are times when they should all, can all sing together, and all singing together in harmony can be beautiful.
So I gave her some sort of harmonize, sang some stuff together, which we practiced years ago.
And she said, oh, that's pretty.
So we had to talk about that.
We had to talk about mentoring on the beach.
We had to talk about friendship.
We had to talk about, you know, all that.
And it was great stuff.
She was really curious about our thoughts.
And we had just a wonderful conversation.
Whereas if I'd got all petty, halfy, and immature and stormed off to the front seat, you know, she would have just been hurt.
You know, it's also surprising.
Boy, I mean, kids can really, they can really put the knife in sometimes.
At least that's how it feels.
It's not what they're doing.
It's, you know, when they don't want you around or, you know, they tell you to stop singing because it doesn't sound pretty or whatever.
It's just like, ooh, ooh, you know, it can really put the knife.
And that's, I mean, that means you're connected.
That means you're sensitive.
That means you're empathetic.
And so, I mean, it's a good thing.
But, boy, that's another thing I kind of learned as a parent that sometimes it can be a little owie.
And because, of course, kids are pretty freely, I mean, if they're not punished and controlled, they're pretty freely self-expressed.
And that's a really nice thing to see and to experience.
But it can be a challenge, right?
So, I think two or three days ago she wanted to know what a calorie was.
And, you know, I said the calories are things that stick to Daddy's muffin top.
And so So we went through the whole energy thing, input, exercise, output, weight gain, and all that kind of stuff.
We also talked to, because we were at a beach and there were a lot of overweight kids there.
And I've just read this article that said one of the reasons that kids may be more prone to obesity is that infant formula is pretty heavy in priming kids for weight gain as opposed to sort of breast milk.
So that may be a challenge or a problem for kids, right?
That they get all this formula rather than sort of healthy antibody-laced breast milk.
I think at a year of age, only 15% of moms are still breastfeeding their kids.
I think that's pretty catastrophic on just about every level.
I mean, just about everything their kids need is no longer provided in modern society.
More than one caregiver, lots of physical touch and contact and all that kind of stuff.
consistent caregivers as opposed to the rotating phalanx of daycare providers and so on.
But she hasn't as yet said, why is that kid so fat or why is that woman so fat or whatever?
So it's interesting, she says, I don't know if she just hasn't said it yet and is going to, but she seems to have an innate sense of circumspection, for want of a better word, to see, to be sensitive to how her words might land for other people.
Now, at other times she's not particularly, right?
I mean, she and I were playing a game in a pool the other day and some kid wanted to come play with us and she said, no, this is a game with me and my daddy.
And I can't, I don't...
You know, one of the challenges, I don't want to tell her she has to play with kids.
I don't want to tell her that.
It's not true.
And it's not necessary.
It's not required.
She doesn't have to go and play with other kids.
And if the kids don't appear interesting to her, then she doesn't have to play with them.
So that's fine.
And what are the pluses of playing?
You know, if she and I are playing a fun game, then what is the plus for her to invite another kid to come and play with us?
It's just sharing me.
It does not enhance her pleasure of the game.
And that's sort of, so I sort of feel like I project, you know, obviously involuntary project myself into the other lonely kid because there are times when I was a lonely kid who had to sort of beg other kids to play with him or ask other kids to play with him.
And I was a new kid, moved around a lot and all that kind of stuff.
And so part of me sort of reaches out, and I don't want to say no to other kids who want to come play with us and so on, particularly because, like a lot of kids, this girl was in the pool alone while her mom was fetishistically stabbing at her cell phone and so on, which is, again, one of these horribly common things you see.
I know kids, the kids all sitting in the playground while the parents sit on the bench playing with their cell phones rather than, I mean, I'm often the only parent who's in there playing or doing anything.
I couldn't so much this summer because I had to watch for infections as a result of chemo.
I knocked out my white blood cells.
And so I had to stay away from sort of kids' play areas because, you know, it could get pretty sick.
But normally, and I'm sort of back into it now, but normally it is... I'm sort of the only... I'm not trying to praise myself.
I was just giving you an empirical fact.
And so I sort of want to have the other kid come play with us if the other kid has no one to play with and the parents aren't involved.
But the mom was not involved at all.
It wasn't even looking at her.
And so she's sort of sitting in the pool alone and I could understand.
She was laughing, giggling, tickling, having fun.
She wants to come play with us.
And so part of me is like, oh, I want, I want for that kid to have someone to play with.
So I say, yes, let's have her play with us.
But for Isabella, She doesn't have that history of loneliness.
So for her, she's done the calculations and says, OK, well, what are the pluses of me having this kid to play with?
What benefit is there for me?
I have to share my data.
I have to explain this game to the girl.
I don't know if she's going to be fun to play with.
I'm already having fun, so if my fun's already at 100, how could this possibly improve it?
And she is absolutely, completely, and totally correct.
So we had conversations about that.
It's weird.
I want her to be sensitive to the needs of other children, but at the same time, I don't want her to sacrifice her own happiness for the sake of other children.
So, it's a challenge.
And in this particular instance, I could understand it.
So, this is another sort of set of challenges of having her be sensitive to other people, but not sacrifice her own happiness to other people, particularly strangers.
And And I think that's important.
Now, I mean, there are times where, you know, I have her and I do have to go someplace and buy something that's not of interest to her.
So we do have a talk about, you know, sometimes, you know, sometimes I do things which aren't necessarily the first thing I want to do.
But, you know, and other times it would be really helpful if you could You know, see your way clear to doing something that is helpful to me, even if it's not what you want to do in the immediate moment.
Like, she's old enough now to be able to sort of understand and process that, and that's pretty enormously helpful that she does understand that and is willing to make that sacrifice, so to speak, and take it on.
So these are sort of the major things I just wanted to share with you that I've learned about parenting in the close to half decade that I've been on the clock.
And I hope that it's helpful to you to some degree.
Your experience, online experiences, may vary.
Your experience may vary, of course, and I am very happy with parenting.
I'm very happy with how it's working out.
It is, like I don't even have to remind myself, it is a complete miracle that this little being who grew from a speck to a genuine person is flying around.
The place with thoughts and opinions and jokes that are sometimes enormously and genuinely funny.
And it's a real privilege.
And there's nothing more important.
So I hope that this has helped you at least get another parent's perspective.
Whether it applies to you or not, any part of it is obviously up to you.
But I hope that it's at least somewhat interesting to get somebody else's perspective on parenting.
As honest as I can be with warts and all.
So thank you so much for listening, and happy parenting to all, particularly those parents-to-be.
Do your research.
Read all of the great stuff that's come out about children lately.
It's incredibly valuable and essential to figuring out how to be a good parent, right?
I mean, you wouldn't start a business with old technology, and I would recommend don't start parenting with old knowledge.
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