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June 8, 2019 - Freedomain Radio - Stefan Molyneux

01:47:36

"I Cannot Find a Nice Nigerian Girl!" Freedomain Call In

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	Hi everybody, Stefan Molyneux here with Jay, and is it fair to say dating, woes, is the heart of the issue?
	Yes, dating, but of course long-term dating, looking for eventually turning to marriage.
	Now, do you want to summarize the... is it kind of consistent complaints you've been getting from women, or is it just one or two, or what are the complaints that you've been getting about yourself in the dating arena?
	No, they're consistent.
	And what are they?
	Dad's, you know, socially awkward, unemotionally connected, not emotionally available.
	Now, what is it that, because if this is the complaint, so my question is always like, if someone breaks up with you, it's kind of like they bought something and then they want to return it.
	And I guess, what is it that you bring to the table that the women are attracted to, to begin with?
	I mean, charisma, good looks, athletic, like what is it that a great conversationalist, what is it that you're bringing to the table that the women are initially attracted to that then doesn't work out?
	Oh, okay.
	You mean, how am I meeting these women?
	Well, why do they go out with you to begin with, do you think?
	Um, I meet them through friends and family.
	But initially, I think, because we have the same background.
	We're both, you know, from West Africa, most of the women I'm dating.
	Where in West Africa?
	Nigeria.
	Right, right.
	Okay.
	Yeah.
	So you're from Nigeria.
	And the women, of course, are from Nigeria, like originally.
	And so there's like the family connection set up, right?
	Yeah, there's a family connection set up.
	And while they don't tell me this, but I've learned that a lot of them feel pressured to, uh, you know, eventually get married to people from the same culture, you know, Nigeria.
	Right.
	So I guess that answers the question.
	That's, that's probably, um, Yeah, why a lot of them are dating, you know.
	Right, so you'd have, sorry to interrupt, but you'd have kind of high sexual market value in part because you come from Nigeria and therefore there's this compatibility issue.
	It's not like there's all the guys around are in this dating pool, right?
	It's kind of limited to the people from Nigeria if that's what the women's parents want, is that right?
	Yes, that's correct.
	Okay.
	So it's just, I guess it's exclusive, you know.
	You know, just like in other cultures, like how, I guess, Chinese would probably feel pressured to... Indians would feel pressured, you know, to marry other Indians.
	Yeah, and as you know, it's not just in a racial category.
	I mean, you know, people from the Greek Orthodox community, they want their daughters or sons to marry other Greek Orthodoxes.
	So it could be religion, it could be ethnicity, it could be race, it could be just country of origin, it could be any number of things.
	And is that your preference too, is to marry a woman from Nigeria?
	Yes, that's my preference.
	But you know, it's not written in stone.
	But yeah, preference.
	Well, you know, if the woman from Modern Family becomes available, I'm sure there will be a lot of guys lining up.
	But Sofia Vergara, that's right.
	Now, what is it that you think would be beneficial to you in marrying a Nigerian woman?
	Like, would it be easier just like raising kids, shared values kind of stuff?
	Well, that was, that was my assumption, but now I'm not getting that assumption.
	Um, yeah, the assumption was that we will stick together, you know, because, um, here and I guess in the West, the, the divorce rate is so high that, you know, maybe, maybe it was just me, just a fear of, um, the divorce that I assume that we'll stick together.
	Well, yeah, I mean, shared values is going to help a huge amount with that.
	I think that's certainly the case.
	Now, I'm sorry to ask these kinds of origin questions, but I'll sort of explain why in a sec that I'm asking them.
	But Jay, when it comes to the women that you're dating, you know, when you say they're from Nigeria, okay, so it's one thing if, you know, you're 20 and you came over last year.
	It's another thing if you're 20 and you came over 19 years ago, right?
	There's going to be a big difference.
	So where is it in the sort of degree of transition to a new culture?
	Where are the women in general?
	Are they mostly newer immigrants or have they been around for a while or what?
	Oh, it's a mixed bag.
	They could have came over last month or they could have been born and raised here, but the connection is just their parents are from The culture their parents in Nigeria and you know if there's been is there a difference in how the women?
	Evaluate you based upon how long they've been in the country Hmm hmm see that that's what I don't know how to It's not like I have an accident.
	How do you evaluate me on a scale of 1 to 10?
	Let me sort of explain why I'm asking.
	Maybe it makes no sense, maybe it does, but my question would be, so let's say, I don't know much about the definition of Nigerian masculinity, but let's say that there's some definition that's typical for Nigerian masculinity.
	I mean, I know there is for Italian masculinity or Greek masculinity or British, quote, masculinity, but there's these sort of kind of standards, right?
	Now, if those standards are you're not emotional, you're tough, you're kind of cold and whatever it is, right?
	Yes.
	Then they would be kind of used to that or at least they'd have that as their expectation.
	But they're saying you're not emotionally available enough for them, right?
	So I'm just wondering if there's a template.
	I don't know.
	It's a big country and there's probably many.
	But is there a template of Nigerian masculinity that you are not meeting for them?
	Or has their definition of masculinity changed?
	Because, you know, it's not emotionally available.
	It's kind of like a Western thing and it's kind of like a feminist thing.
	And I don't know how much of that is going on in Nigeria.
	OK.
	I think this has happened mostly for the ones that who have been here for a while, who were raised here.
	Right.
	That would have been my guess, but you know, I don't want to tell you your experience of course, but my guess would be that there is this kind of funny thing where, you know, women still want, a lot of women still want to sort of be protected and nurtured and have a tough guy, but at the same time they want this emotional availability, like a girlfriend might have, and it is, it's a bit of a tough balance for men to achieve these days.
	So, how many of these women have you dated?
	Oh, I haven't kept count, but... Oh, you're a player!
	Just give me a ballpark.
	Well, probably, I'll say went out on dates, ten.
	But, you know, some I talked to.
	Not all have went on an official date with some.
	I have, you know, talked to over the phone.
	Yeah, so I would say probably 10 to 15.
	Right, and some of them are just seeing if there's any compatibility with a phone call, it's not like you went out for a while.
	And what's the longest relationship of these 10 to 15 that you've had?
	About a year.
	A year?
	Yes, a year to a year and a half.
	Now, again, forgive my cultural ignorance, Jay, but isn't it supposed to move a little faster than that if you want to get married?
	Like, is it still fine to just date for a year and a year and a half?
	Or are you supposed to sort of move things along to at least getting engaged by then?
	Yeah, yeah.
	A year to probably two years is probably the range where by then, yeah, you'll either be engaged or you're planning the wedding at that point.
	So tell me a little bit about the year and a half relationship, please.
	Okay, the year and a half.
	The last one, because I'm not trying to dish out too much personal information on the other partner too.
	No, no, that's I appreciate that.
	I respect that.
	So yeah, feel free to gloss gloss over certain details.
	The one we I got out of it about think about three years, a couple years ago.
	She was born and raised here.
	And she had a lot of complaints about her dad, said her dad was abusive.
	Both verbally and physically abusive.
	So sorry to hear that.
	And did you know that early on in the relationship?
	Or did that kind of come out later?
	Yeah, I knew that early on.
	But I guess Yeah, I guess I didn't, I don't want to say had too much empathy or sympathy.
	I guess I didn't take it too serious.
	Um, I don't, maybe I thought she was just complaining, but, um, this is in general, this is the complaints that when we get from women in general, they say a lot of the men are controlling, very controlling.
	When you say women in general, do you mean within the community you're part of or in general in the country you're in?
	Oh, all over.
	Whether when I visit Nigeria or when I meet them here, they say the men are controlling.
	That's what they're very scared of.
	Oh, that you're going to turn out to be like their dad, right?
	Yeah, turn out to be like the dad, very careful.
	Yeah, those of us who haven't had great parents, we do worry about that a little bit.
	I mean, I'm happily married now, but yeah, there is that fear that you got this kind of template of this is what you're used to, this is what you may be attracted to.
	Yep.
	And if what you want in a husband is not what you saw in your father, you know, it's what you said in the email, like you got a lot of work to do on yourself to kind of change the course of those train tracks, if that makes sense.
	Yeah.
	Yep.
	Right.
	So yeah, so you said you got out.
	It's almost like you chewed your way through some manacles or found your way out of some escape room or something.
	But what do you mean by, like, what happened in the lead up to the breakup?
	And it was you who broke up, right?
	No, no, it was them.
	But I guess I just let them go.
	But yeah, they walked away saying, you know, like you said, just not what I expected.
	This is supposed to be the most exciting part of my life.
	Before we get married and have kids.
	Yeah, they can't do this any longer.
	Boy, that sounds like dating.
	Dating is a little bit for these women like holding their breath underwater.
	You know, I could do it for so long, but after that, man, it's just no way.
	So what is that?
	What do you think they meant when they said they can't?
	That was supposed to be more exciting or they can't do it any longer?
	Um, I don't know.
	Maybe it's my personality because I'm more, um, I don't know.
	Maybe I'm introverted that, um, they don't feel that connection.
	And then, you know, they, sometimes they'll say when they get, when they give me a, when they criticize me, like, oh, you know, um, kind of socially awkward, then I kind of, Get defensive, and then I withdraw.
	Then I emotionally withdraw even more, so it becomes like a cycle or snowball effect.
	Oh, so they have criticisms of you, and those criticisms of you make you more into that, whatever they're criticizing, right?
	And then it's just a matter of time then, right?
	Sorry, go ahead.
	You know, what I think draws them to me also is that I think initially at first, my personality is more relaxed and they see me more relaxed and calm and they think, oh, this guy is not going to be controlling or, you know, brute like an African man.
	And then I guess when they get to know me more and they realize it's not exactly like that, maybe that's what causes them to withdraw also.
	Wait, are you saying you do a bit of a bait-and-switch?
	Like, I'm totally chill, and I'm not controlling, and then later on it's like, here's the shoes you're gonna wear.
	I mean, it's not that extreme, obviously, but is that what they would feel?
	Yeah, I think that's what they'll feel.
	Even me, over the time I've relaxed my standards, because there was one point, yeah, I wanted whoever I married to cook and clean every day, but at this point, you know, they don't have to You know, cook every day, even once a week.
	I'm fine with that, you know.
	And would you want a wife who works, educated, professional?
	What's your preference along those lines?
	Yeah, I would like a wife who is professional.
	And they don't have to work all the time.
	I mean, when we have kids, I want them to, you know, Stay home with the kids just for, you know, a couple years.
	They don't have to rush back to work.
	But in the long run, yeah, they, you know, they should work.
	I guess that's the thing in the West, is that the women, yeah, work.
	It's not, you know, in Africa, the women, they stay home and raise the kids all, you know, a career is a choice in Africa.
	And the man brings home the, you know, the money.
	Right, right.
	Okay, so you'd want more of a professional woman, if possible, right?
	And so what happened towards the end of the year-and-a-half relationship?
	Did you know it was going to end?
	You said you just kind of let it happen?
	I mean, how upset was she?
	Because, I mean, that's a pretty big investment, right?
	A year-and-a-half.
	Like, she was obviously hoping or thinking that it was going to go the distance, right?
	It's going to go your whole life.
	Yeah, I think, um, yeah, sometimes I'm too critical and, you know, I find something wrong with them and then I withdraw.
	Then, um, I guess, uh, you know, sometimes I'll even plan my exit, like try to talk to other women.
	Try to, I wouldn't, um, I guess try to have a nest to fall under.
	A net.
	Wait a minute.
	So, are you saying that you're trying to talk to other women to maybe get another relationship going to transition you out of the existing one?
	Yeah, you could put it like that.
	Like, in case something... Well, don't let me tell you your life.
	I mean, if I got it wrong, let me know, right?
	Yeah, I guess something to fall back on.
	So, yeah.
	I guess if you put it like that.
	Okay, it's not I'm not.
	Maybe.
	Maybe I'm trying to make it sound innocent because I'm not sleeping with these women, you know?
	No, no, but you have like a possible romantic interest on the side that kind of transitions you out of a relationship that's ending.
	I'm not Yeah, I'm not saying you're like sleeping with everyone who shakes your hand or anything, but no, right.
	Okay.
	Now, the women who would say that you're socially awkward.
	Yes.
	Now, you said that you're kind of more chill when you first meet them.
	Is that socially or just with them?
	Or do they think that you get more socially awkward?
	And what would they say about this awkwardness?
	How would they describe it?
	No, they wouldn't go into detail.
	I guess because if they say that, just get defensive and ignore it.
	But after a few, you know, after you keep hearing it over and over again, you know, it becomes true, right?
	Well, but is it like you're over at their family's house and you just don't really want to chat with people, or what do you think it is?
	No, no, it could be even the first date, you know what I mean?
	Oh, the first date they think you're socially awkward?
	Yeah, but, you know, they may tell me later on down the line, you know, like, hey, you know what, At first I didn't open up to you because I thought you were socially awkward, but I got to know you and you seem kind of like an alright person.
	Right, right.
	That's not the most ringing endorsement I've ever heard, you know?
	Seem like an alright person.
	I mean, you kind of want the passion, right?
	You want the big geister of, you're the most perfect man, you're all I want, kind of stuff, right?
	I mean, that's kind of like, yeah, you know?
	I could stand you after a while.
	It's almost like something's not quite clicking on the gears, so to speak, with the attraction.
	Is that fair to say?
	Yes.
	Oh, and the relationship that I got out of, she was depressed, clinically depressed.
	I guess because of the trauma going through with her family, her dad and stuff.
	Right.
	So, you know, at that point I didn't, I didn't really understand, yeah, clinical depression and stuff.
	So even I got fearful and kind of withdraw from the relationship and thinking, you know, um, maybe this is too much for me, you know, and kind of sabotage the relationship.
	Right.
	So when you say depressed, you don't just mean she was kind of down.
	You mean like?
	No, no, she, she was taking medications.
	She was on meds for it, right?
	Yeah.
	Right.
	Yeah, and from what I've heard, I mean, those meds can kind of mess with your personality a little bit.
	So, what was it that attracted you to her?
	Because, you know, she's kind of traumatized, and she's kind of critical of you from the beginning, and she's, as you say, on meds for depression.
	Is this my standard question?
	Like, okay, how pretty was she, man?
	Oh, yeah, she was pretty.
	Slim.
	Yeah, nice glowing skin.
	Yeah.
	Right.
	Caramel complexion.
	Yeah.
	And was she depressed when you first started dating?
	No, I didn't even know.
	Oh.
	No, I didn't know.
	But yeah, she had a bubbly personality.
	That's when you when you first started dating she had a bubbly personality and it kind of went down from there?
	Yeah, kind of went down.
	I'm hoping that's not because of you.
	You didn't make her depressed, did you?
	You got this family trauma, right?
	Yes, family trauma, but it could be because of me too.
	Maybe the expectations didn't align.
	Right.
	And how long after you first started dating were there significant problems?
	Not like we can't agree on which movie to go to, but like significant problems.
	Um, I think the problem arose when she told me about it.
	She, this was like a month or two.
	She was just saying, uh, I need to come down and tell you something.
	And I was like, um, What is it?
	So I guess that's what drew me down.
	That's what drew me off.
	And what was it that, specifically, was that stuff with her dad or her depression or what was that?
	Yeah, her depression, but... Oh yeah, so if it's just a month or two after you met, I don't... I mean, unless you're like some evil wizard who can shred souls with your fingertips, like, there's no way.
	I think, I mean, I'm no psychiatrist or psychologist, but I don't think that you can make someone depressed in a month or two, especially if they've got difficult family issues and, as you say, sort of childhood trauma and all of that, right?
	Yeah.
	And although if I feel really sad halfway through this conversation, I will just assume it's you.
	No, I'm kidding.
	I'm kidding.
	But what the reason now I became more psychological because I made a big deal out of it because she made a big deal out of it.
	Now that I look back, like, you know, what do you mean?
	Because, you know, I did more research and, you know, there's a lot of people who are, you know, suffering from depression and I didn't, you know, I did more research and figured out that it's not uncommon these days.
	So, yeah, I wish I was, you know, more supportive.
	Wait, what do you mean?
	No, like, yeah, I wish I was more understanding about it.
	Do you think that would have changed the outcome?
	Yeah, yeah, I do have regrets.
	In what way do you think you came across as unsupportive?
	Because I kept telling her, you're just making a big deal out of it.
	Oh, like stop thinking about it and cheer up kind of stuff?
	Yeah.
	Always trying to cheer up and But you guys did last like a month or two after she told you about this stuff, right?
	You guys lasted another like well over a year, right?
	And was her mood changing at all?
	Did your mood change or did things, how did things go from there? - Things went well because, the problem, okay, the problem would be Maybe I wasn't being conscientious because there'll be certain events like her birthday, certain things I'll forget.
	You know, there's certain things I'll forget about her.
	Like, hey, she'll tell me, I told you I like this.
	I like this type of, you know, some people, Like to, you know, some women like certain things done a certain way.
	Maybe they like to eat out at a certain restaurant or they like certain types of gifts.
	Not that they want you to always get that, but they want, if you remember to do certain things to say, Hey, I know you remembered me and cared about me.
	Does that make sense?
	Oh man, you're giving me a facial tick here because, yeah, listen, I mean, I think all men have been in that situation, Jay, where you've made some mistake.
	You've made some mistake.
	You forgot some anniversary.
	You forgot something or something that she said or something she liked or you got her something that at one point she said she didn't like.
	Like at some point you've made a mistake and it's going to happen.
	It's going to happen to everyone in every relationship, right?
	You've made a mistake.
	What happens in that moment, to me, is really, really fascinating.
	And I think this is maybe close to the heart of maybe where the issues are.
	So, what happens in that moment?
	Let's say... Oh, can I give you an example?
	Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
	Okay, let's say, like, my favorite color is red, and we're going out and stuff, and then we start talking, and then And you say, oh yeah, your favorite color is blue or something.
	That's it.
	No, I told you over and over again, my favorite color is red.
	How can you forget that?
	You don't care about me.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Yeah, no, I get it.
	And so let's take that example, right?
	So let's say that the girl says, my favorite color is red and you forget, right?
	Yeah.
	So then, there's an interesting question, right?
	Yeah.
	What happens in a relationship when you have made a mistake?
	Because what happens then, as you know, is the woman kind of has power over you.
	Right?
	Because you've made a mistake.
	You forgot the anniversary.
	You forgot her favorite chocolates.
	You forgot where she wants to go and eat.
	You forgot whatever, right?
	Yeah.
	So then, she's got power over you.
	Now, how she handles that power Is the most important thing to look for early on in a relationship, because you're gonna make a mistake.
	Oh, okay.
	Right?
	So then you're in a vulnerable position, right?
	Like, you're busted, right?
	You've made the mistake.
	Oh yes, that's right, you did tell me your favorite color was red and I just said it was blue.
	My bad, you know?
	Now, how does she handle that power?
	Now, I've been on both sides of this fence, right?
	So one type of woman is like, she'll just grind you down like cinnamon, you know?
	She'll just like, like a cheese grater, you know?
	Like it could last for hours or days or maybe it's brought up three months from now.
	Hey, remember that time you didn't even remember my favorite color?
	And that's how a woman may handle having power over you because you've made a mistake.
	Now another woman, another type of woman, might say, oh, you know, it's no big... I know you care for me.
	I mean, this is, you know, I don't expect men to necessarily remember that I like doilies on the glass table in the bathroom or whatever it is, right?
	So how does she handle when you've made a mistake and you're vulnerable and she now has power over you How does she handle it?
	That's a very very important thing to see early on in the relationship and If you find a woman who just kind of shrugs it off who's confident enough to know that you care for her and she has value and doesn't take that power and use it to grind you into a fine powder of Well, you should marry that woman, if that makes any sense.
	Yes, that makes sense.
	I'll give you a tiny example, and you get it, but just for the audience, right?
	So, when I first met the woman who became my wife, I needed a more powerful vacuum cleaner, and she had a handy one, and she lent me the vacuum cleaner, right?
	Now, I was taking it back to her, but I had my hands full, and I left it by the elevator, I went to my car, I came back to get her vacuum cleaner, and it was gone.
	Right?
	Because my guess is somebody got out of the elevator, saw the vacuum cleaner, thought somebody was throwing it out and said, hey, I need a vacuum cleaner, right?
	Yes.
	So I had to phone up this woman I'd only been dating for a couple of weeks and say, hey, you know that really nice vacuum cleaner you lent me?
	It's gone!
	Right?
	Now, is that my fault?
	Not precisely.
	You know, it was just unattended for like three minutes while I went to the car.
	But this is bad luck.
	Someone happened to pick it up, right?
	So now she's got power over me, right?
	She could say, look, how careless can you be?
	I just, I lent you this one thing that is very expensive.
	I had it for a long time.
	It was a present and she could have just, you know, like turned the fork in, you know, and kept spinning it until I turned over like a kebab, right?
	Yeah.
	But she didn't.
	She's like, oh, that's unfortunate.
	What a bad piece of luck, right?
	So then we put our heads together and I ended up putting a note in the lobby of the apartment building like, hey, if you Found this vacuum cleaner.
	I didn't mean to throw it out.
	It's actually kind of needed and kind of important.
	Please leave it in front of this apartment door, right?
	And yeah, next morning I get up.
	I'm heading off to work.
	I open the door and standing there is the vacuum cleaner, right?
	I guess somebody realized and, you know, brought it back.
	So there's just a tiny example of I borrowed something and I'd lost it.
	I wasn't hugely careless.
	It was just kind of bad luck, right?
	I mean it was so so but there's an example of a woman has power over me because you could get mad at someone about that and you could really kind of grind their gears about that right but she didn't she was like oh you know that's unfortunate and I wasn't like careless about it I didn't like I sold it on eBay and used the money to buy I don't know wigs or something right but there's an example of
	A woman, I've done something wrong, or I've harmed her interests, and what does she do with that, right?
	Now have you, it sounds to me a little bit like you've had the kind of woman who's going to grind your gears, have you been around a woman who, if you make a mistake, or forget something, or lose track of something, or whatever, or you're a little bit late, and you know, it's not all the time, right?
	Have you been in a situation with a woman where you're in the wrong, she's in the right, and she handles it with Grace and not using that power in a negative way?
	Hmm.
	I probably have.
	I can't think of any specific examples right now.
	You can't think of any.
	So either that means it's common or it's so rare that it's like, but if it was that rare, you'd remember it, right?
	Yeah.
	I remember it.
	All right.
	Think of the converse, though.
	Like, so think of the opposite, right?
	So imagine that the woman, I mean, we've all been in this situation where the woman has made a mistake with regards to you.
	She's forgotten something.
	She's lost something.
	She's, you know, whatever, right?
	Or she's misremembered something.
	So have you been in a situation where you've had power over a woman because she's made a mistake and she's vulnerable and you're in the right and she's in the wrong?
	And how do you handle that power?
	Hmm I don't know I can't remember any example where She's made a mistake and Perfect?
	Not saying they're perfect, but... Never make a mistake?
	But I don't, I don't see... They made a mistake.
	Now, it could be that you're around women who either don't make mistakes, which is kind of unusual, or don't admit fault, which is very, very different.
	Wow.
	I mean, I was in a relationship where a woman didn't admit fault, and the only way that relationship could continue is if I ended up admitting fault, even if I didn't feel like I was wrong.
	It was just like, okay, it's me, right?
	And she'd be like, okay, that's fine, you know, and things would move on, right?
	It's like, it was not an optimal situation.
	Yeah, so the power dynamics of those kinds of relationships are very, very important.
	Because if you're going to trust someone with your heart, there's going to be times where they have all the power and you have no power because you've done something wrong, and they're in the right and how they handle that power.
	So important as to whether the relationship I think can be good or not.
	Hmm.
	Hmm.
	How does it work with the women's families?
	I mean, are you getting along well with the woman's mom and dad or siblings?
	Okay, um... I'm not around their family a lot.
	You know, I might meet their family... The one I was talking with, I met the family just once.
	What, the year-and-a-half thing?
	Yeah, because it was a...
	Her family lived out on the West Coast.
	So a lot of these relationships, a lot of them are long distance, you know, because it's not... Oh, because you want the cultural connectivity, right?
	So... Yeah, it's not like... The odds of finding a woman next block is less, right?
	Yeah, unless you're just in an area where a lot of them live, you know, like Texas or something.
	Yeah.
	So you only met her family once, did they...
	Did they call or Skype or, I mean, did you connect that way or?
	No, we went out to eat.
	Went out to eat and, um, you know, just, it was just a general conversation.
	It wasn't, you know, the conversation was mostly about, you know, career, you know, the dad accent, what do you do?
	And, and I guess where are your parents from exactly in Nigeria?
	Right, but was there not any more sort of parental interest in you and their daughter and how things were going?
	No, no, there wasn't.
	I mean, I didn't hear back from them.
	There was another relationship where I met the mom and we all went out to eat and then
	When things wasn't chugging along, she said my mom asked about you saying, you know, you know, yeah, mom asked about me saying, kind of saying how's this going and kind of like, hurry up and marry my daughter, something like that.
	Did she say that to you?
	Or did your daughter did her daughter say that from her to you?
	No, she said, she said, my mom asked about you saying, you know, how things going and, you know, kind of where are we?
	And I know it sounds kind of vague, but... No, no, I mean, yeah, I mean, a lot of parents, they kind of want to know what's going on, but they don't want to pressure or, you know, put a lot of fingers on the scale because they can get some blowback from that, right?
	Yes, that's true.
	There was, you know, and then, There was another relationship, but it was only a couple of months.
	And this, this, um, this woman, she was born and raised in Nigeria and family was from the exact same place.
	And we were dating for, you know, I don't know how long until I find out.
	Well, she was, I found out she was a feminist and then I overreacted.
	Can you replay me some highlights of that conversation?
	How did that, how did that come up?
	And what did you say?
	Okay.
	I don't know how it came up, but we were talking, maybe I think it was talking about politics or something.
	And then she said, um, well, you're a feminist.
	Yeah, she said I was a feminist.
	She said you were a feminist?
	Yeah, because I guess it was the context saying... I think the context they're using is like, if you are for women's rights, you're a feminist, something like, if you believe, you know, equality is something, then everybody's a feminist, something like that saying.
	And I was like, No, I'm not a feminist.
	And yeah, I overreacted.
	Wait, saying I'm not a feminist may appear an overreaction to others, but certainly doesn't seem like an overreaction to me.
	Would you say that it went further than that?
	I said, well, I don't believe in that extreme ideology.
	And I went into all the different points of what I disagree about feminism.
	I can't... I'm trying to...
	Yeah, I said that.
	Yeah, I said it's an extreme ideology.
	And what happened then?
	I guess directly on the phone, she got quiet.
	But every time we'll meet or talk, you had a conversation with she'll bring up the conversation saying, of course, you'll say all the same talking points that you know, most feminists will say and then You know, I'll bring up the same talking points that, um, um, most, I don't, I don't know what you call them.
	Anti-femme?
	No, I'll bring up all these talking points, like how, you know, that, um, men have done a lot of things for society that they don't get credit for, how women were never drafted, things like that.
	It was just the whole... Yeah, you know the usual talking points.
	And how did she react to those?
	How did she react?
	She... would not... Some of the points she would not believe, and some of the points she would say, of course, Men are not, women are not going to get drafted for war because they're physically weak.
	But, and I also brought up the fact that, hey, men, you know, literally built society, you know, how men invented all these things.
	You know, all the modern day inventions.
	You've said it before, but I learned that a long time ago also, you know, you know, all the modern inventions like the automobile, airplane, everything.
	And she would say, well, it's not fair that men built it and they excluded women from it.
	And I don't know, we just, it just went back and forth.
	Right.
	And was there any like resolution?
	Did you get closer to her position or her to your position, or did you just kind of agree, just kind of agreed to disagree stuff?
	Yeah, we kind of agreed to disagree.
	Um, and then.
	Also, I guess one thing I didn't like was the fact that we would go to church and she would say, well, I'm just going, and she really didn't believe in it.
	Oh, so she was kind of like a leftist and agnostic or atheist?
	No, she didn't put herself as an atheist or agnostic.
	Well, I remember one conversation when we started talking.
	She would always say, am I a Bible thumper?
	And she would always say her mom is very religious.
	So.
	Which kind of threw me off because, yeah, she wasn't a religious person.
	I mean, as you know, Jay, even the phrase Bible thumper is kind of nasty, right?
	I mean, it's not a nice phrase to talk about.
	If someone has genuinely deep-held, I guess in this case, Christian beliefs, just saying Bible-thumper is... it's mean.
	I mean, these are beliefs that you strongly hold, that you're passionate about, that move you, that inform the values that you live your life by, and just Bible-thumper, you know?
	I don't know.
	I guess what really broke the camel's back was was no comeback from we were having a conversation and we're talking about marriage and I know you talked about before about not having no absolutes but I guess I would push the absolute that I was just saying no divorce if we get married there'll be no divorce and yeah she said no
	Yeah, I mean, I'm not sure where I may have said no absolutes, you know, like absolutely no axe murdering in my family, like I have lots of absolutes, you know, no shoplifting, no drowning puppies, like there's quite a long list of absolutes.
	I think curiosity, once you have shared values, is great.
	But I just want to sort of be clear about that.
	I don't want people to walk away and say, oh, everything's subjective.
	No, I mean, as far as values go, I mean, I think that there are real strong apps.
	Like, we have to agree that we're not going to abuse each other, but we're going to reason together to figure out how to solve our problems and so on.
	I'm sorry to nag you about that, but I just don't want to sort of let that one slide by over the right shoulder.
	But so, when it came to marriage, you said no divorce, right?
	And what did she say?
	No, she said, of course, this divorce can be on the table.
	Of course, because what if you're cheating or something?
	Then, of course, I have the right.
	Yeah, she said that I have the right to divorce.
	Well, of course, she has the right to divorce.
	I mean, you're not saying I'm going to make it illegal for you to divorce, right?
	It's not the same thing, right?
	Well, she said she would use it.
	She would exercise that, right?
	Right.
	Yeah.
	No, but that's what's funny, right?
	Which is that some... I mean, this is, I think, true of feminists and other people as well, like the more hardcore feminists, is if you were to say no divorce, they're like, well, I have the right to divorce.
	It's like, well, I'm not talking about that.
	You know, you have the right to call me all kinds of horrible names.
	Like, you're not going to go to jail for that.
	But that doesn't mean it's going to be part of our relationship.
	What do you mean you're going to interfere with my ability to verbally abuse you?
	It's like, I kind of want to do that.
	I mean, not legally, right?
	It's just not going to be part of our relationship, right?
	Yeah.
	And she always lectured to me that feminism is about choice, you know?
	Yeah, which is one of these, OK, so what?
	You know, it's like feminism is about kittens.
	OK, I like kittens.
	I don't really know that that helps me understand things.
	I mean, I'm not really sure.
	I mean, if feminism is about choice, then why don't men have a choice to not support single moms through the tax system?
	You know, it's because, you know, we know what it's all about.
	We can sort of maybe talk about that another time.
	Sorry, go ahead.
	No, you know, I guess I left that topic alone because, yeah, before I used to bring up that topic with single mothers, especially in the black community.
	They'll say, oh... Wait, there are single mothers in the black community?
	I think I may have heard that somewhere, but... Okay, so you bring up single mothers in the black community and what happens then?
	Well, they'll say you're criticizing and it's not their fault, you know?
	It makes me look like the bad guy.
	I'm criticizing them.
	It's not their fault?
	Yeah, it's not their... Well...
	I think there's only one woman in history that it's not her fault.
	They'll say it's kind of the man's fault for walking away.
	Ah, okay, so it's the man's fault that the woman decided to have a kid with an unreliable man.
	Now, of course, it is the man's fault, it's just not exclusively the man's fault because the woman did decide to have sex with the unreliable guy, right?
	Yeah, you put it like that.
	Yeah, because people always say, well, it takes two to tango.
	It's like, yes, it does.
	I absolutely agree.
	Men should not be having, certainly should not be having unprotected sex with women that they don't want to spend the rest of their lives with.
	Of course not.
	Right.
	But at the same time, women should not be having unprotected sex with men they don't want to spend the rest of their lives with or who would be good fathers for their children.
	Right.
	So it's funny how, you know, women, oh, it's all about choice and equality.
	It's like, OK, you want equality?
	Here's equal responsibility for the production of children without a father.
	It's like, well, no, no, no, we don't.
	We don't want that kind of equality, right?
	That's no good.
	You know, we got into, there was just a lot of inconsistencies because, yeah, she said she was a feminist, but also she said she wanted the choice to be a stay-at-home mom and, you know, she wanted a man, a rich man that made a lot of money so she can have that choice to stay at home and raise the kids.
	Well, see, I don't see that personally, particularly against feminism as a whole.
	If feminism is choice, that's, you know, that's fine.
	Because then she's saying, okay, well, there are these innate differences between men and women that, you know, women breastfeed and women should stay home with the kids and the man should provide.
	It's like, well, that's all fine, you know, but then don't sit there and say, well, men and women should earn exactly the same.
	Oh, yeah.
	Sure.
	Yeah.
	Of course, that topic came up.
	It's men's fault that women are not earning the same amount.
	Well, and one of the answers to that is to say, wow, you know, I had a woman, and this is not my proudest moment, right?
	But I went out with a woman who was very, very pretty.
	And she believed she had psychic abilities.
	It gives you a sense of how pretty she was that I was willing to have a second date because she was really pretty.
	And I was young.
	But I said, wow, you know, look, the amazing Randy has had an offer of a million dollars.
	To anyone who can prove their psychic abilities.
	So, like, if you've got psychic abilities, man, you're in the money.
	Let's, like, fly down to Vegas or wherever it is.
	We'll do this test.
	You know, you can have the million dollars.
	I just think it's cool if you can prove this.
	But, you know, if you've got psychic abilities, man, you've got a winning lottery ticket right there in your brain, right?
	A million dollars, that's a lot of money.
	And, you know, of course, as well as I do what she said, it doesn't work that way.
	You know, it's like, God, I wish it weren't so pretty.
	So, yeah, I mean, this thing where women say, well, the wage gap, it's bad, it's patriarchy, it's like, well, stop complaining about it.
	If you can get equal productivity to a man by hiring only women, You can go and make a fortune.
	Because you know this thing on the left where they say, well, capitalists, all they're run by is greed and profit and so on.
	It's like, well, you understand then, if women are making 67 cents on the dollar or whatever it is, depending on how you slice and dice the data, then you can go and hire women at 70 cents and you've saved You know, 30 cents on the dollar of your labor costs.
	Now, women are getting paid more, because they're above average, and you've just saved yourself 30 cents.
	So, you know, then the next guy's going to come along and hire the women at 75 cents on the dollar, and then 80 cents, and they're still making a fortune, because they're saving 20-30 percent off men.
	But, so rather than complain about the wage gap, go out and exploit it, so to speak, and that will do a huge amount to raise the wages of women, and close the gap, and so on.
	But rather than go out and follow the inevitable economic consequences of those beliefs, they prefer to nag and complain.
	That doesn't really break a lot of stereotypes for me.
	Yeah, that is true.
	All right, all right.
	I mean, sorry.
	Fascinating though the topic is, let's get back to your dating.
	So 10 to 15, have there been any that you wanted to marry or would consider a life with?
	I guess the one that I got out with, both of them for a year.
	One, yeah, I wanted to marry that one that we had a year.
	Yeah, the one that we had a year.
	Also, there was another one, but I don't know if you heard of Sickle Cell?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, so yeah, some of us have that trait.
	So we can't marry certain ones that have the trait.
	Oh, so like, if you have a genetic match, it's is that right?
	It's bad for the offspring?
	Yeah, there's a there's a, like 25% possibility your child could come out with it.
	Oh, man.
	Yeah.
	I'm sorry about that.
	Yeah.
	And was she like she wanted to do it too?
	And this was the major issue?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, man, that sucks.
	I'm so sorry.
	I mean, it's kind of one of these things like, I think it's good that technology exists, because it'd be pretty rough otherwise.
	But at the same time, it's, it's pretty rough on the heart when that stuff gets in between you and the woman you want to marry, right?
	Yeah.
	But there are medical procedures like IVF and things like that.
	You know.
	Right.
	It's more, yeah, pregnancy complications.
	Well, yeah, sometimes they don't take and it's pretty expensive.
	And yeah, that is tough.
	That is tough.
	So that was why you guys ended up breaking up?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	And are there any women on the horizon at the moment that you're interested in?
	Nobody real close.
	You know, At this point, just more acquaintance that I'm talking to, but nothing, nothing really concrete.
	All right.
	So here's, I'm just trying to avoid the, you know, further down the line, avoid the mistakes that I keep making.
	So.
	Right.
	No, listen, I, I get that.
	And if it's any consolation, most of us have spent even more years than you have making the same damn mistakes.
	So you're fine as far as that goes.
	And it's a, I think it's a question that, um, Um, because I, I've heard a lot of your podcasts about, you know, people going through their childhood.
	If I, because for a long time I've felt, you know, the statistics.
	of marriage being, you know, 50%, divorce 50%, stay together.
	That's not entirely accurate, just so you know.
	I mean, it's certainly higher a percentage than you or I or reasonable people would want, but it's not quite 50%.
	And there's so much that you can do to minimize that.
	Like, if you share the same values, and those values are pretty rational, and you have the same similar educational level, similar interests, And all of that, you can reduce your odds of getting divorced to very, very low, right?
	I mean, there's things that you can do to, it's not like just a complete blind, it's like a crapshoot.
	It's like everyone gets a pair of dice and it's like, oh, two sixes, you know, two six-sided dice, oh, six or below, you get divorced, right?
	That's the way, it's sort of like saying, okay, well, in a population, a certain number of people die from smoking and that's your odds.
	It's like, well, what if you don't smoke?
	Well, your odds change considerably, right?
	So if you go through a process of figuring out what your values are and and Dealing with childhood issues.
	So you're not too emotionally reactive so you can reason with each other and you share values and and so on then Your odds of getting divorced are pretty tiny.
	So yeah, I wish yeah, I heard that I wish I heard that a long time ago because it's like I guess the whole 50% stuck in my head, you know?
	Oh, it's a big number out there, and it gives people the idea that it's like Russian roulette with three bullets in the chamber, you know?
	It's like that, but it's not the way it works.
	It's like saying, you know, a certain percentage of people break their legs, and it's like, well, what if you don't, say, rock climb or hella ski?
	And it's like, oh yeah, well, your odds go down considerably.
	It's like, well, I wish I'd known that about it.
	I could slice and dice that kind of data, right?
	Yeah, that makes sense now.
	Right.
	But of course, you know, the powers that be who want to screw up the family, they love to push this statistic out because...
	That makes people scared of having families and, you know, you get a lot of single moms dependent on the state, you know, you know how all that garbage works, right?
	So, yeah, the 50% thing, it is a bit of a brain virus and I see it quoted all over the place, but it's not even accurate fundamentally.
	It's, you know, it's closer to 40% and also if, you know, first marriages, the second and third marriages, which are even more likely to break up than the first marriage, they really add to those
	statistics right but it's like okay so yeah more people die from smoking if they keep smoking but if you don't smoke you might die Andy Kaufman style of lung cancer but it's pretty it's pretty damn unlikely so okay so did you want to talk a little bit about your childhood and anything you think might be sort of interfering with your what the women want from you which is more emotional expression is that right yeah maybe I guess my childhood
	Yeah, maybe I'm being too conservative and looking for somebody like my mom.
	And maybe that could be the big hindrance, the block.
	Okay, so I'm sort of trying to gauge my experience of this conversation as we're having it right now.
	Other than a few times where I've got you to break into laughter, there's not a lot of sort of passion or like I'm not sure where you are emotionally in this conversation, if that makes sense.
	That's what the women are experiencing.
	And I don't think it's because you want someone like your mom.
	I don't think so.
	Do you think there's any other reason why you might be kind of guarded in your feelings around people?
	Oh, maybe.
	No, maybe I'm nervous.
	I'm just, you know, trying to... No, no, no.
	Because if it's the same thing that happens with the women, then it's probably coming from a similar source, right?
	I mean, I know this is kind of a weird thing.
	Like, here we're chatting about, like, really intimate details of your life and my life too, I guess.
	And this is the first time we've chatted.
	So I get all of that.
	But if This like if you feel nervous around these women, it's probably gonna be a little bit similar I know this sounds like weird like we're on a date or something, but you know, it's gonna it's gonna be a little bit similar if Around nervousness you get really cautious about sharing your feelings and I guess that's my oh Concern or a question.
	Yeah, you get it, right?
	so is there anything you think from your childhood of growing up or experiences that you had that might make you kind of like a really kind of like I feel like when we're talking, like, you're analyzing everything.
	You've got a great analytical brain.
	You're analyzing everything, and it's coming back, but it's very, like, I'm talking to Lawyer Jay, who then gets to talk to Real Jay, who then gives it back to Lawyer Jay, who then gives it back to me, if that makes any sense.
	Yeah, okay.
	Yeah, maybe growing up, you know, my parents wasn't too expressive.
	They didn't allow us to be very expressive, you know.
	Maybe that could be it.
	And how would they keep your expression down?
	Like, what would they say?
	Oh, well, my mom, she's very reserved, you know, she's very, you know, like, being a child, you mess up, you spill something, break something, you get yelled at and, hey, don't break that, clean up after yourself, you know, can be critical at times.
	All right, so we've got reserved and yelling at you, which to me don't quite seem the same, and then being critical, right?
	Yeah.
	And did you feel loved when you were criticized?
	Because it's a big thing, you know, if someone in your life can criticize you in a way that encourages you, that doesn't make you feel bad, you know, in other words, they're not abusing that power of seeing something that you haven't seen about yourself or whatever, right?
	So, did you feel that your bond or your love with your mother was secure when you messed up?
	No, I didn't.
	Ah, okay.
	So, did she say or do something that made you feel less like that bond was secure?
	Oh, to make it feel secure?
	No, did she do or say anything when she was criticizing you to make your bond feel less secure with her?
	Yeah, well, yeah.
	Criticize, don't do that, or... I can't think of anything specific, but yeah, criticize if you do make a mistake.
	Right, okay, but criticize how, right?
	So, I mean, to take this silly Bill Cosby example from many years ago, like, I mean, he would say something like, you know, I brought you into this world, I can take you out.
	Yeah, it could be.
	Right?
	So, I mean, that's pretty harsh.
	It's like, yeah, I could kill you.
	Like, that's a bit of a threat to the bond.
	Like, murder threats.
	I mean, I know it's kind of meant in jest and all of that, but, you know, many a truth is spoken in jest, and if there is that sense of, if you don't get this right, or if you get something wrong, I'm not gonna like you, or the bond is somehow threatened, that's gonna make it hard to be expressive, I think.
	Yeah, that's how I felt.
	Like if you make a mistake, you get something wrong, you spill something, you're messy.
	Yeah, you don't clean up, pick up after yourself.
	Yeah, you get heads flubbed or yelled at.
	And what would she say when she would yell at you?
	Yeah, scream my name, say, I told you not to.
	I've told you over and over again not to do that.
	Why'd you do, you know, things like that.
	If I've told you once, I've told you a million times!
	Yeah, I've told you a million times not to.
	Did the anger seem proportional to the problem?
	No, it didn't.
	I mean, now, I mean, as a little kid, you don't, but now that you look at it, Yeah, the problems are insignificant, inconsequential, you know.
	You know, it's a funny thing.
	And this is where I think, I don't know, I think you and I may have had the same experience.
	But, you know, tell me if it's not the case.
	But I don't, like when I was growing up as a kid, I had no idea why my mom got upset about stuff.
	Like, I just... I had no clue.
	Like, I had no clue.
	You left a plate here and not here.
	Or, you know, there's a tiny spot on the cushion that we can easily just rub off, you know?
	Or you left a cup and it left a little white ring that's gonna fade in an hour or two.
	You know, like, the cutlery is not all in the same line, in the same drawer, you know?
	Stuff like this, like, what kind of major malfunction is this where this is like a big issue?
	That you're willing to disrupt the family calm and peace and all of that.
	And I don't.
	Like, my daughter, you know, I mean, you know, I might as well call her Miss Edison because she just runs around and doesn't turn lights off.
	Drives me a little crazy because, you know, I grew up where you You have to really, really watch your electrical use.
	But I'm not going to sit there and yell at her about it.
	I'll just keep reminding her and keep reminding her.
	There's a reason why she's not out of the house yet, because she's still a kid and she still forgets things, right?
	So it's natural.
	Okay.
	So I just, you know, maybe you have to see, but for me, it was like the stuff my mom would get mad about.
	It's like, I don't, like, why is this a big, why is this such a big deal?
	Like, I remember my mother's stepmother was coming to visit.
	She did come to visit.
	And my brother and I, yeah, we were making a, no, my brother wasn't there.
	I was making a plane, a Spitfire, and I spilt a little bit of silver paint on a carpet.
	And I was like terrified and I guess my mom, my stepmother was terrified too.
	My mom had a temper that you know you probably heard about in Nigeria.
	Yeah.
	But um and and we were just like because to me it's like okay you just you cut a little piece out if you can't clean it and you get a little piece from under the sofa and you put it there like it's it's not it's just not a big deal it's just it's a carpet it's got a little bit of paint on it like what does it matter?
	Yeah.
	In the big scheme of things.
	And certainly with my mom, there was no big scheme.
	There was no zoom out.
	There was no like, well, you know, in the big scheme of things, what does it really matter if whatever, whatever, right?
	Yeah, true.
	And I could get it if it cost money, because we didn't have any money.
	So I can understand all of that.
	But still, you know, the whole point of being a kid is you're gonna mess up, you're gonna make mistakes.
	I mean, if you didn't make any mistakes, you just move out and become a lawyer or something, right?
	I don't know.
	And I think there's this incomprehension between male children and moms.
	We're not on the same page as far as what's important and what matters and what kind of doesn't.
	As I said, some aspects of femininity to me are just delightfully incomprehensible.
	I don't understand them.
	I think it's fine.
	And some of it is great.
	But it's fundamentally a mystery to me.
	So was that sort of your experience at all?
	Like your mom would get upset about stuff and you'd be like, OK, I'll go along and I'll say sorry and I'll hang my head.
	But I still don't really understand why it's such a big deal.
	Yeah, that sums up a lot of it.
	And my dad, he worked a lot.
	Yeah, he was working a lot.
	Right.
	He didn't, and we had one, we had one half brother that came to live with us after, um, when he got into college after high school.
	And the first time he was living with his, um, cause we both shared the same dad.
	And he said, I realized I noticed that.
	Yeah.
	He doesn't spend time with us.
	You know, he said that about your dad, your, your mutual dad.
	Yeah.
	And was this from a first marriage where there was a divorce or a widowhood or.
	Yeah, he never, my dad never went into that.
	Wait, where was his mom?
	Oh, his mom?
	No, his mom was out on the West Coast.
	His mom was away.
	No, no, no, I get that.
	But so you said that you shared a dad, right?
	So was your half brother from your dad's first marriage?
	Yes.
	Okay.
	Well, whether they're married or not, but my dad didn't go into the details of Yeah, he left that reserved.
	So I guess I didn't notice that until he brought up saying, yeah, he doesn't spend a lot of time with us.
	And you know, my dad, he's very good at conversating.
	He's like a salesman.
	He knows how to really talk.
	So he'll say, you know, I don't spend quantity time with you, but I spend a lot of quality time with you guys.
	Yeah, I don't really buy that stuff.
	No, I don't.
	Like, I mean, okay, there is, you can hang around a lot together and sit on your tablets and not talk, and I mean, so I get it's, you know, you do need quality time, but this idea that you can just substitute spending time with your kids by having this, you know, Quality time.
	It's like, well, what if your kids are distracted?
	What if you're distracted?
	What if, you know, like you just need to spend time around people and the quality just kind of emerges in spontaneous ways.
	So this idea that you can substitute just spending time with your family by kind of squishing it down to this magical quality time.
	I don't know.
	Maybe.
	I mean, did you experience the quality time thing that your dad was talking about with him?
	Oh, growing up?
	No, I didn't.
	No, you didn't, right?
	So that's another thing.
	It's like, shouldn't the recipient of your quality time also notice that it's quality time?
	Well, yeah, well...
	He'll say we're not noticing it.
	He'll say it's on us.
	Hey, you need to... Right, right.
	You just missed it, man.
	You need to open your eyes, yeah.
	It'd be like you giving me one word answers to every question and me saying, hey man, we're having a quality conversation.
	This is great.
	All right, all right.
	And why do you think he spends so much time working?
	Oh, it's...
	Well, I won't say it's just him, but a lot of the culture here is that when you come to this country, man, they work a lot.
	The women work a lot, the men work a lot, because they're supporting their family back home, sending money there.
	And sometimes I don't know, sometimes.
	A lot, when you're sending the money back there, they have this notion that, you know, America's paved with gold and... You have so much money that, yeah, yeah.
	Yeah, I know you saw this Wizard of Oz where, you know, she followed the yellow brick road.
	You know, they're thinking that, so sometimes when they're getting the money there, sometimes they're not, they're just milking us.
	They're not using the money for what it's used for.
	And sometimes you think you're buying land there, you're buying a home there.
	Oh, they're starting a business or something, right?
	Yeah, you think you're starting a business, then you come back and you see nothing but bush where you thought your house would be.
	And they don't know that we're here.
	Some of us have two or three jobs.
	Some of them there, some of them not even working.
	And they can live off the land because, you know, they have inheritance.
	It's not like here where you gotta pay taxes.
	There's bushmeat, right?
	This is data from a long time ago, so you may know more updated data, but I remember when I was taking a course on race relations in university, I did point out, you know, I said, look, look, West African blacks have like a higher per capita income than whites in America.
	So, you know, if there's all of this massive racism, blah, blah, blah, I mean, as you say, it's very hard working, couple of jobs and so on, right?
	So it's, uh, and do you think that was the sort of major driver for, for your dad working so much?
	Yeah.
	Um, now growing up, I'm getting this, now I'm learning that a lot of them, they put their siblings, Sometimes even above their immediate family, their wives and children.
	What do you mean they put their siblings above?
	Like they get precedence, like they're sending money to their siblings.
	They're providing more support because they have the feeling that since you're in America, you know, I always got this notion from my dad that since I was raised here, me, like my brother's dad, You know, we're more fortunate.
	And of course, we're more fortunate.
	I won't say this kind of jealousy, but like, hey, you got everything.
	You were born and raised here.
	So why should you get any support from him?
	I see.
	Right.
	So everybody in the old country, so to speak, is more needy and more deserving of support.
	Is that right?
	Yeah.
	Everybody in the third world, they're more needy support and everybody in the first world It's just, it's a breeze for them.
	So.
	Right.
	Whereas, of course, you know, it's, it's, it's hard, man.
	Working two, three jobs.
	Yeah, it's hard.
	Right.
	Yeah.
	And how did your parents get along?
	My parents, um, Pew Library done that.
	I mean, it was more in a traditional sense.
	They got along, you know, Well, your traditions and mine may be somewhat divergent, so feel free to break that out a little for me.
	My dad paid the bills.
	My mom literally raised us, you know, cooked clean.
	But she also worked, too.
	So she cooked clean, worked.
	No, but did they enjoy each other's company?
	Did they fight?
	Did they?
	I mean, how did that go?
	You mean growing up or now?
	No, growing up.
	I can't.
	I would say I thought they pretty much enjoyed each other's company, but I guess growing up now, I'm seeing a lot of the fighting and, you know, things are coming out that, you know.
	Yeah, I would say their personality, like my mom is more quiet, reserved myself.
	My dad is more outgoing, social, outspoken.
	So maybe there was a balance in that aspect.
	Um, what did they fight about?
	Oh, family.
	The fight about family, usually my dad's part of the family.
	Because like you said, my dad's part of the family was very needy.
	Hmm.
	Oh, so like, we need resources as well as your side of the family.
	Oh, dear husband of mine, that kind of stuff.
	Yeah, we need.
	And yeah, so they'll fight.
	Usually it was my, yeah, usually about the family and They'll all blame each other.
	My dad's side of the family would blame my mom saying, oh, we're not getting enough resources.
	Your mom is trying to sabotage it.
	And my mom would say, she'll blame their side of the family saying, oh, they're interfering too much.
	And you know, our family, our business.
	It's a tough call, you know.
	I mean, if you want money for your kid's college versus people who need money to eat in Nigeria, you know, it's kind of tough, you know.
	I mean, I don't mean to laugh because it's a very, very serious issue, but I can really see the case of the people in Nigeria saying, well, you know, it's great that you get to go and take this wonderful advanced degree in a university, but we'd really like some protein.
	I hope I'm not exaggerating, but it's such different lives in a way that it's tough to prioritize according to any consistent standard.
	Yeah, you're right.
	There's no rule of thumb.
	When do you say enough is enough?
	When are you enabling them not working as much?
	I don't want to say it's welfare, because it's charity, right?
	It's charity, but this international charity is...
	It's a hell of a balance, you know?
	It's a hell of a balance.
	Like, you sit there and say, okay, well, I can go out and have a hamburger that could feed another family for a week, you know?
	Like, what is fair?
	I don't know.
	It's tough.
	And the thing about it is, here in the West, we're trying to, it's difficult of us having families ourselves, you know, we're here, what do they say, like two and a half, most families have two and a half kids? 2.5.
	I don't know.
	What I know is .5 is a dog or a cat. So, yeah, most of us have two to three kids, but over there, I mean, we're sending money and it's not stopping them from having a lot of kids or family. You know, some of them have a lot of kids and stuff.
	Yeah, in some places in Africa it's like 5.2, 5.3 per family and it's like... Yeah.
	Well, how's that gonna work in the long run?
	That's not great in terms of just consumption of resources and a lot of that is coming, of course, from Western aid, from the money that your family sends and so on.
	It's a tough call because You want everyone to have enough to eat, but the problem is some people convert excess resources just into more kids and more people.
	I don't have a family yet.
	You'd like to have some kids one day, right?
	I'm saying that to my cousins.
	I like to have some kids of my own.
	So you can have six and I can't even have one.
	How's that gonna work?
	Let me ask you this.
	If you end up down the road with a life like your dad's, would you be happy with that?
	Would you be satisfied with that?
	Would that be a good thing?
	A life like... Like your dad's?
	No, I don't think so.
	Okay, so that I mean, that's important because if you want a life different from the life you've had modeled to you, that's a that's a big challenge, right?
	That's a that's a big challenge.
	That's true.
	So what what would you like to what's what would be different for you that would be important?
	Um, like, I guess be more transparent and more Like he has this feeling that he's not responsible.
	Like he would tell his dad, hey, I had you guys.
	And the way he makes it sound like is if he had no choice in having us.
	That's the whole problem I have.
	Like, hey, yeah, he makes it seem like he wasn't responsible.
	Like he had to have us.
	Oh, like sort of, and then you came along like you were just some FedEx package that he never ordered, but couldn't return.
	Yeah.
	And so now the problem is they're retiring.
	And now instead of the bond is, you know, try to create that bond, try to make it seem like delightful, like he's trying to shame us into, you know, his retirement.
	Like, hey, he wants to retire a certain way.
	Hey, I raised you guys and this and that.
	Wait, wait, wait.
	You got all foggy for me for a second there.
	I'm trying to sort of follow what you're saying.
	Are you saying that he wants resources from his kids so he can retire in more comfort?
	Oh, yeah.
	So it's great.
	You get to pay for some people in Nigeria, plus your own parents.
	And anyone else?
	Can I get some of this cake?
	Wow.
	And so how the hell are you supposed to build a life and a family if you've got resources hoovering off everywhere, right?
	Yeah.
	You put it, yeah, the way you just put it.
	And it's funny because it's, sorry to interrupt, but it's kind of like what happened in Japan too, right?
	So they worked these Japanese guys to death to build their economy and now their kids don't want to have families because they look at their dads and they say, well, you had no life at all.
	You're out there yelling into a karaoke microphone with clients at two o'clock in the morning and falling asleep on the subway and getting up at six to go back and do it again.
	I don't want that life.
	I don't want that family.
	I don't want that stress.
	I don't want that... I mean, that's a life of like half a slave, right?
	So that's why I'm sort of asking you, like, if you don't want a life like your dad's... I mean, I'm not saying a hundred percent.
	I mean, I'm sure there's some things he did that were great that you'd love to emulate and be happy to do so.
	But yeah, if there's a big sort of part of it... Because, you know, the more you love your family, Like, you get married, you have kids.
	The more you love your family, the more you want to spend time with your family.
	But then if you've got to go off to work to provide for your family, it's like, oh, great.
	So I basically married, quote, married a woman in order to move halfway across the country from her.
	Like, I now have kids and I have to go to work at two jobs to never get to see them.
	Like, if that makes sense.
	Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
	Plus he has, sometimes he can be like, kind of delusional, like, He has this dream that all his sons are going to marry a woman who's making a lot of money, like a doctor.
	We don't have that much money, but he tries to portray that we have a lot of money.
	He tries to paint this picture that we're some aristocrat family.
	Aristocrat.
	Well, he's a salesman, right?
	Yeah, he's a salesman.
	Not the first or the last salesman to portray something a little bit better than it actually is, right?
	So he tries to portray that because he's in his own business.
	He does his own business and he's trying to say later down the line he's going to close a couple big deals and he's going to be this big-time millionaire and you're going to inherit all this so make sure You get a woman who's making a lot of money, doesn't want your money, and who can work, cook, clean, do everything, you know, raise a kid.
	A doctor-slash-maid-slash-raising-your-children.
	Okay, so it could be that these are not the most realistic expectations on the planet.
	Because, you know, you've got to give up some stuff.
	You want the woman who's the doctor.
	then she's probably not going to be the homemaker.
	And if she is the homemaker, she's not going to be the doctor at the same, like you can't be in two places at the same time, right?
	So it may be, you know, how we say, well, women want men who are kind of tough and alpha and out there winning in the marketplace, but at the same time, be really emotionally sensitive and emotionally, like, come on, pick one, you know, you generally don't get both.
	But in the same way, I think women go kind of nuts and I can understand why.
	It's kind of nuts to say, well, Okay, so I would really like you to cook and run a household and pay the bills and make lots of money and raise my children and it's like, you know, we got to slice and dice this a little bit because right now the everything stew just tastes like crap, right?
	Yeah, because it has mainly to do with his, you know, I know you've said it before, self-interest, that people tell you, people project how they see their perspectives onto you.
	Because, you know, my mom and dad, they're blaming each other, you know, my dad is blaming my mom that she didn't have this big time career.
	Oh, because he wants more money?
	Oh, he'd like to have saved more?
	Yeah, he'd like to have saved more and made more.
	And, you know, kind of feels like it was, he kind of feels like Having a family, he was pushed into it.
	You know how the whole thing I said that he doesn't feel like he was responsible?
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	So he kind of feels like he was kind of slighted, like, hey, I should have married a woman who was a doctor or making all this money and we'll split the bills and stuff like that.
	But But then he would have just had to pay for child care, and he wouldn't have as close a relationship with his kids, and there'd be all this.
	I mean, you can always look back on your life and say, you know, woulda, coulda, shoulda, but all you do is look at the benefits.
	Oh, I'd have more money.
	But okay, what about all the minuses?
	Like, who's going to take care of your kids?
	Who's going to run your household?
	Who's going to cook meals?
	Who's going to keep things so people don't die of botulism?
	You know, like, I mean, there's all these other things that seem to be kind of important as well.
	Well, okay.
	As you know that our culture, well, the previous generation, his parents, just like their generation, a lot of them were raised in a polygamous household.
	So, I don't think, it's not really a big deal to say, hey, I wasn't close with your, you know, the parents were close with their kids.
	You know, because, yeah, he was raised by, as a matter of fact, yeah, he was raised, I think, by his older brother more than his dad.
	Okay, so tell me what you mean by polygamous in this context, because I'm trying to sort of figure that out.
	I mean, the older takes the village, or what?
	Well, West Africa's the previous generation, you know, pre-colony, pre-colonization, even Yeah, a lot of them were actual polygamous marriages.
	Okay, but polygamous meaning like one man, many wives?
	Yeah, one man, many wives.
	It could be three wives, two, five, you know.
	So, I'm kind of suspecting that, yeah, they weren't really close with their parents.
	How close can you be if, you know, you're sharing one dad?
	Yeah, no, that makes sense.
	Does your dad say ever, like, I shouldn't have sent so much money overseas?
	Or is that not really part of the equation?
	No, no, he'll never say that.
	He'll never admit to that.
	But I mean, there's some truth in that, right?
	Yeah, there's some truth.
	Do you have any idea how much money was sent out?
	Oh, no, I have no clue.
	But I know that Several of my cousins, their school fees were paid for and some of them didn't finish school.
	Ouch.
	So maybe it's not always about the money, but yeah, it just didn't materialize a lot of things in it.
	Well, I mean, this is a terrible thing and I, you know, we'll get back to your dating stuff in a sec.
	Just, you know, indulge me with one little aside.
	You know, when you have to work really hard for something, You think, oh, well, if I give someone else this opportunity, they'll be so grateful.
	Yeah.
	And the sad thing is, a lot of times they're not, right?
	So something that you and I may have worked like crazy hard to get, oh, fantastic, you know?
	And then you get older, you say, oh, well, maybe I'll give someone else this thing.
	And it's like, because they didn't work for it, they don't value it.
	And because it's handed to them, it kind of doesn't mean much to them.
	So if you have to like, you know, work nights and weekends and summers to go to university, like I remember going to university and I was like, people thought I was insane.
	You know, like I get my first essay assignment two weeks into school, I start working on it.
	I'm so happy to be... because I just spent time up to my ass in leeches panning gold and staking claims for a year and a half.
	I'm happy to not be in a swamp.
	I'm happy to not be in minus 40 degree weather hiking and trying to get some sleep.
	I worked so hard to get to university that I was just like, man, I'm going to get everything I can out of this.
	Do you want to come drinking?
	No!
	Because I really want to get good stuff out of university.
	But then I think of all the people who, like, you know, mommy and daddy are going to pay for university and they just, because it's kind of given to them, they don't, they just, they don't treasure it.
	So I was just thinking about, you know, school fees were sent overseas and people didn't even finish.
	And I think that there's a connection there.
	I just wanted to throw that in by the by, that, you know, because at some point you're going to have to make a decision about how much money you send overseas.
	And the idea that, well, if I don't send it, they'll starve, well, that's kind of tough to argue against.
	But if it's like, well, if I don't send it, then they won't start and not finish a degree.
	Well, that's a little easier to handle from a guilt standpoint, right?
	Yeah, I think they, yeah, he's just sending it because there's an emotional connection.
	It's not based off, it's not, it's not, Performance-based, you know looking at their performance saying oh, yeah this person You could say, you know take out loans and if you you get A's and graduate I'll pay off your loans.
	That's one way to do it That's a little bit more here's rather than you know Here's the money or you know, go go get the land get a mortgage and once you start producing food, you know I'll pay off the mortgage something like that as opposed to here's a bunch of money and go do something with it.
	Oh, wow this Yeah, I never thought like that.
	Yeah, I Yeah, but, again, there'll always be some excuse that they can't do something.
	Yeah, well, that's, I mean, it's halfway across the world, so it's a little tough to monitor, right?
	Okay, okay, so let's get back, okay, so let's get back to your dating thing, okay.
	So, do you want, do you accept the criticism from the women, or do you think it's fair or valid criticism that you could be more emotionally available?
	Yeah, I could be more emotionally available.
	I've been working on it, you know, I think I sent in the email that I've read books about it.
	Yeah, I'm taking that kind of acting class, improv classes.
	Yeah, that's that's cool stuff that when that stuff works.
	I did that stuff in theater school and after when it's fantastic.
	Okay, so do you have the emotions, but you hold them in or are you not feeling the emotions more so?
	It could be both.
	It could be both.
	But there are times where you have the emotions and you kind of hold them in.
	Is that right?
	I think it's not having the emotions sometimes.
	Yes.
	Not having the emotions, you know.
	When it comes to your emotions, Jay, is it that you don't have the emotions about much in your life or are there areas that you feel very strongly about and other areas that you don't?
	Yeah, like I feel... Obviously philosophy.
	Yeah.
	It goes without saying, right?
	Self-knowledge, right?
	You're working on all that stuff, right?
	So it's stuff you do feel strongly about, right?
	Yeah, maybe because I'm listening more to your videos.
	I've gotten more, you know... So yeah, I've listened to your videos and they're sounding more therapeutic.
	Right, right.
	Kind of that saying around.
	Yeah, yeah, that's fine.
	I get it.
	Okay, so that's good.
	So that means that you do have passions about something.
	Is it mostly, would you say, is it mostly with women that you're having trouble being passionate?
	Or is it other areas?
	Yeah, I'll say mostly with the women.
	Because like sports, I get so passionate about sports, yeah.
	Oh, sports, okay, right.
	Yeah, yeah, the Raptors are in the finals.
	Apparently this means quite a bit, and people are quite excited, so I've decided to grit my teeth and watch some ball.
	Anyway, okay, so one possible theory, just based upon what you've been telling me, and you know I say this to everyone, I say it to you too, don't ever let me tell you what your experience is, it's just my thoughts, okay?
	If you are passionate with a woman, she can reject you.
	Right?
	If you're passionate with anyone, like, you know, what is what is passion called these days?
	Well, it's considered kind of nerdy.
	You know, it's considered to be like the cool people, you know, the chill people, they're like nothing ruffles them, right?
	They're just cool, right?
	But the passionate people are considered to be kind of nerdy, immature, and goofy, and it's very easy to one-up or have higher status in your own mind with someone who's passionate as opposed to someone who's really cool, so to speak, right?
	Yeah.
	So I wonder if you don't like The idea that a woman is going to reject your feelings, your passions.
	Like, if you start talking to her about what you're passionate about with sports, philosophy, self-knowledge, whatever it is, right?
	You really get into it.
	Is she going to, like, look at you like you just, you know, grew a unicorn ass out of your forehead or something?
	And like, what the hell are you talking about, freak?
	That could be it.
	Right.
	That could be it.
	If that is it, I have some good advice.
	Okay.
	I hope, I hope.
	My good advice is this.
	Let your freak flag fly.
	My good advice is this.
	Just be passionate, man.
	Just be passionate.
	Now there will be women Who will recoil from this and who'll be like, whoa, I don't know where this guy's coming from.
	This is way too, he's like way too emotional.
	He's too, I like my guys cool and collected.
	And you know what you can do with those women is you can say, I'm very glad that we're not wasting each other's time.
	Because those women who say, I don't like his emotions, he's too emotional, he's too passionate, he cares too much, he's too vulnerable.
	You know what they're going to do if you're not that way?
	Well, they're going to do to you exactly what they have been doing to you, which is they'll say, if you show your emotions, they'll be like, he's too emotional.
	And if you don't show your emotions, he's like, he's emotionally unavailable.
	Can't win.
	Don't play.
	Yeah, that's true.
	Yeah, so just, you know, if you're passionate about something, say, this is stuff I love.
	You know, and just be passionate about it, be excited about it, be enthusiastic about it.
	And if the women don't like it, you've just saved yourself anywhere between three phone calls and a year and a half of your life.
	That makes a lot of sense.
	Wow.
	You know, it's the old saying, be yourself, man.
	Everyone else is taken.
	You know, there's a particular configuration of fantasticness that is just you.
	And to hide that is to say to the world, I can't be myself because you might disapprove.
	Well, who on earth would fundamentally care about a stranger's disapproval?
	Like, I care about your approval in this phone call.
	Like, I want it to be useful to you.
	I care about my family's approval.
	I care about my friend's approval.
	You know, people on Twitter, I, you know, I really doesn't, you know, that's not where my loyalties are, right?
	So Be passionate from from the beginning.
	It's such a time saver.
	If people be yourself fully, and then if people like you for who you are, you're not gonna have to spend the rest of your life faking it, right?
	Because that's pretty terrible.
	Oh, right.
	I mean, can you imagine you try and be someone who you're not someone really likes it?
	Well, you're you're stuck in a prison now.
	Wow.
	But if you be who you are, that's not a very good way to put it, if you are genuine to who you are, then whoever likes it, you will never ever doubt that they like you for who you are.
	You know, it's like, it's like, you know, people have a lot of money.
	Are they sure that their friends are loving them or just because they're paying for the private jet to Van Cancun or something like that?
	I mean, do they know?
	It's like really pretty people.
	Do you like me for me or for my looks?
	Or people who are really famous?
	Do you like me because I'm famous?
	Or do you like me just because of me, right?
	And so if you're just genuinely who you are, You never have to doubt whoever's in your life is there because of you.
	Not because of something else.
	Not because...
	You're cool, or wealthy, or you give them stuff, or you get things right, or you flatter them, or... I don't know.
	Life is way too short to spend it.
	Because you can't be someone else.
	You can only not be yourself.
	And that's why I think that's driving these women crazy, is that they get a sense that you're not there.
	Because you can't replace yourself with someone else, any more than you can step inside someone else's body, or use their stomach to digest your damn food.
	You can only be yourself.
	We've got one unique existence.
	And it's not replicable by anyone else or anything else or any other circumstances.
	We've got one thing to be.
	Ourselves.
	There's no other option.
	We can be ourselves, or we can be nothing.
	But there's no third thing like I can just be someone else.
	Because I'm not.
	I am who I am, and I won't stop being who I am because it makes other people uncomfortable.
	It's like, okay, then if you want to stop being who you are, that's your choice.
	I don't recommend it.
	Not you, but other people.
	I don't recommend it because you then cease to exist, right?
	There's a reason why we have these Vampire and ghosts and zombies and so on, like the people who are just automatons and who don't have an identity other than some particular and peculiar hunger for vengeance or flesh or blood or something like that.
	Because there are so many people out there who are not themselves and they think that they're being someone else, but they're not.
	It's you or nothing.
	You know, there's this old hitchhiking kind of cliche, you know, San Francisco or bust.
	You know, like, I gotta get to San Francisco or I'm toast.
	I'm gonna run out of money tomorrow and end up bunking with John Candy or something, right?
	And this is life, right?
	It's yourself or bust.
	Be yourself openly and proudly and loudly if that's who you are.
	And then whoever's there is there for the right reasons.
	Whoever runs away, great, you've just saved yourself a lot of time.
	But just commit to being who the hell you are.
	Because there's no other option other than this dry, dusty, empty, nothing compliance Which gives way too many power to bullies, right?
	Because why are we not ourselves?
	Because we're bullied.
	But the way that you enable bullies is to surrender to them, is to be cowed by them, is to back away from who you are, to suppress who you are.
	That's how you're feeding, you're fueling bullies.
	You're arming bullies when you do that.
	And there's some bully, whether it's in your head or in your history or in these women, who's saying, Jay, you can't be you.
	You shouldn't be you.
	You should be somebody different than who you are.
	Well, to hell with them, if you don't mind me cussing a little bit, right?
	I mean, sorry, like, I don't have a choice to be anyone other than Steph.
	Like, there's no backup me somewhere.
	I'm not like a Russian doll, you know, there's more of me inside that you can mix and match.
	I'm not a buffet!
	Like, that's me!
	And this is you!
	This is your life!
	Be expressive, be yourself, be honest.
	And if people don't like you for who you genuinely are, That's because you're thwarting their desire to bully you and control you.
	And because they're not who they are, they don't want you to be who you are.
	Because if you are who you are honestly and openly and you get away with it, then what they're doing is cowardly, not wise or cool or smart.
	People who aren't themselves genuinely hate it when someone is openly themselves.
	Because if you can get away with it, and you can not just get away with it, but if your life is better and you flourish because of it, it drives them crazy.
	Because they like to think they've made a wise decision, and the way that they enforce that wise decision is to punish anyone who's authentically themselves.
	But if you are authentically yourself and your life explodes and flourishes and is wonderful because of it, Well, boy, they hate that stuff, right?
	And they'll try and put you out.
	They'll try and squish you down.
	They'll try and, you know, pee on the fire of your identity.
	But, I mean, that's no way to live.
	You know, I mean, you know, everybody knows this.
	You can't live your life appeasing bullies.
	All they'll do is escalate, right?
	Yeah, that's so true.
	That was my big sort of, like, I didn't have the speech ahead, but that's sort of what I was sort of feeling around for to try and figure out
	where you weren't being yourself and i think i think you're not being around yourself i think you're not being yourself around these women because you think it's what they want but i'll give you a little secret about women you probably know this right go ahead giving a woman what she says she wants is usually the fastest way to end a relationship oh wow what okay let's have open borders say the sentimental women welcome refugees wait i can't go out at night oh we gave the women what they anyway okay
	Um, but the reason is some of them have even said, man, um, you have a mental illness or you have Asperger's or something.
	Holy crap.
	That's, that's freaking harsh.
	Oh my God, what a horrible thing to say.
	No, um, I've learned, I've learned because we'll go through friends and family and I'll learn through a friend or family.
	They wouldn't, they wouldn't say that in my face, but.
	No, no, that's even worse, though.
	That they're backtalking you and trying to shred your relationships and bad-mouthing you behind your back.
	That's terrible.
	They at least come to your front of your face.
	Wow.
	Yeah, that's... No, no, but they will say, like, okay, yesterday we go out on a date and it was arranged, like, I met through a friend of family.
	Then a friend of family will come back and say, oh, wow, does this person have Asperger's or this mental illness?
	You know what I mean?
	Listen, I know what you mean.
	I mean, the number of people who think I'm insane probably numbers in the more than one category.
	Right?
	I saw this comment on Twitter the other day.
	You can see Steph getting progressively more unhinged as time goes along.
	And it's like, no, I'm just being myself.
	I'm just authentic.
	I'm on the journey.
	I'm reasoning.
	I'm thinking.
	I'm having great conversations like this.
	And I change you.
	You change me.
	We're part of the cultural pattern of affecting each other, which is the beautiful part of life and and yeah, lots of people think I'm crazy or evil or I mean, come on.
	I mean, this is it's all it's all nonsense.
	And it's all just bullying language designed to drive you out of yourself, you know, to give you an out of body experience for the rest of your life.
	And that's it.
	It's a terrible thing to try and do to someone else.
	And they're trying to get a virus in your head, in my opinion.
	They're trying to get a virus in your head called I'm crazy.
	Hmm.
	Right?
	Yeah.
	Now, if they can get that virus in your head, like, listen, I mean, I give you massive kudos, you listen to philosophy.
	Like, just everyone I talk to who's listened to this show, I mean, it could be any other, you like philosophy.
	So, you know, top one tenth of one percent in my book, no matter what, right?
	And you're pursuing self-knowledge, and you're curious, and you're thinking about your history, and you're analyzing lots of cool things in the world, and all of that.
	So, if there's something about you that makes them uncomfortable, a mature person will say, huh, there's something about the other person that makes me uncomfortable.
	I wonder what it is.
	I wonder why that is happening.
	But don't immediately say, it's because they're crazy!
	You know, that's just, that's not smart.
	It's not wise, for sure.
	And it's hurtful.
	And it's hurtful in particular If you spread that thought to the other people around you, right?
	That's a terrible, terrible thing to do.
	Wow.
	Right?
	So if they're calling you mentally ill or the Asperger's or whatever, right?
	If they're saying that, not even to your face, they're not obviously qualified to give that diagnosis and neither am I. I don't believe it's true for what it's worth, right?
	But I mean, what a terrible thing to do to someone.
	to go to their social circle, their family, whoever, and say, "This person is mentally ill." No, well, the way they say it, they try to act, like, "Oh, does this person have some mental illness condition?" Okay, that's not much better.
	They're not concerned?
	No, they don't say, wow, is this person a superhero of rationality and self-knowledge?
	They're not saying that, right?
	They're not saying, how did he become so wise?
	They're not saying any of that.
	They're saying, Okay, is he insane?
	Nobody says that in a complimentary fashion, right?
	Yeah, that's bad.
	And so here's the thing.
	You're going to be rejected by bad people anyway, so you might as well make it fast and quick.
	I'm a Band-Aid off quick kind of guy, right?
	So if you're going to be rejected by bad people, just get it out of the way up front.
	Don't comply to a damn thing that they want.
	Don't comply to what other people want of you.
	Except, you know, reasonable standards of reciprocity and decency and all that.
	But yeah, it's really, really a bad idea to comply with what other people want of you.
	Right?
	Because what they'll want of you is to be like them.
	But you can't be like other people.
	You can't.
	You can't be like them.
	You can only not be yourself.
	That's true.
	So yeah, trying to comply with the wishes of others is a form of self-erasure.
	It's just, you cease to exist, they have destroyed another identity, their bully power swells, and the world is poorer by one genuine human being.
	Wow.
	That's really deep.
	Wow.
	Does that give you something to move forward with?
	Yeah, I've gained a lot.
	Will you let me know how it goes?
	Okay.
	Is there anything else?
	I don't want to yank the carpet out from under the combo.
	Is there anything else you wanted to mention at the end?
	Well, I know you don't specifically tell people what to do.
	You just give them advice as to move forward.
	Like you said, I should just be myself.
	I guess, yeah, let it play out from there.
	Just don't, you know, I mean, you go to church, right?
	Yes, I go to church.
	Yeah.
	Thou shalt not bear false witness, my brother.
	Yeah.
	To your own identity first and foremost, right?
	There's an old saying from Hamlet, right?
	Well, Polonius says it, above all else, to thine own self be true.
	So if you're true to yourself, you can't be false to anyone.
	And the reason that that's true is if you're true to yourself, you'll drive false people away, so you won't have to be false to them.
	Sorry, you were going to say?
	Oh, okay.
	Well, I guess that's why I'm continuously learning self-knowledge, because I'm still learning by myself, too.
	Being more conscious, just keep learning.
	Yeah, like you said, self-knowledge.
	It's hard to be yourself.
	It's hard to be yourself.
	I've never quite figured out, you know, maybe it's the devil in the story, right?
	Or maybe it's the devil in reality these days.
	I don't know.
	But it's hard to be yourself.
	There's so much virulent opposition to people who are just authentically speaking their own mind and sharing their own experiences and thoughts.
	There's such hostility to authenticity that it's hard.
	It's not like you're just going to shrug it off like you're carrying a backpack full of bricks.
	Oh, that's better!
	Off I go!
	Being yourself, it will draw some criticism for sure, but it sure beats the alternative, which is to be nothing at all.
	That's true.
	Wow.
	Oh, and I don't know if this is a complete 360, but also dating women here.
	I was also thinking about, you know, going back there to date and marry, but like I listened to some of your podcasts.
	about international dating.
	Well, yeah, that's tough.
	That's tough.
	And if you go, I mean, if you go back, you mean to Nigeria?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	If you go back to Nigeria, there'll certainly be some pluses.
	Yeah.
	But I mean, there will be some significant challenges as well.
	And so if I were in your shoes, I would sort of like, let's at least take a couple of months of being authentically myself.
	True.
	Because, I mean, if you go to Nigeria and you're not yourself, you'll just be not yourself in Nigeria.
	You know what I mean?
	Maybe if I'm on a different floor of the house I won't be a ghost anymore.
	It's like, no, you gotta manifest, you gotta become corporeal, you gotta become real, right?
	I would say, you know, give it a shot being really genuinely authentically yourself.
	And that's going to mean disagreeing with people, it's going to mean standing for what you believe in, and all of the good stuff that everyone talks about and very few of us actually end up doing.
	But I would, you know, really aim at the authenticity and the honesty and, you know, do that prayer morning, noon, and night.
	I mean, it's something I remind myself of in the equivalent of prayer that I do, which is, I'm not going to bear false witness.
	I'm not I'm going to bear false witness, and that means first and foremost to be honest about my own thoughts and feelings, and then not lie about important things in the world, right?
	So I would say, you know, really aim to be authentic in your own environment as it stands, and then if you can't find anything in your own environment, yeah, yeah, go to Nigeria, but go to Nigeria with the genuine experience of being who you are, and that way you won't have to fake anything there or end up trapped in a prison of pretending to be something you're not for the next 50 years.
	Okay.
	That makes a lot of sense.
	All right.
	Will you keep me posted?
	First of all, I really, really appreciate it.
	It's a great, great call.
	I appreciate you sending in the email, and I hope that you will keep me posted about how it goes.
	Okay.
	Definitely.
	All right.
	Well, thanks, man.
	I appreciate it.
	All the best.
	Oh, thank you so much.
	You're welcome.
	Bye.

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