Dec. 26, 2018 - Freedomain Radio - Stefan Molyneux
01:30:30
4271 "WHY AM I STILL A VIRGIN?" Freedomain Call In
"When I was six years old, I had a recurring dream, which ended up forming what I believed to be the purpose of my life. The dream was a breathtaking illustration to me of the true nature of man and of woman, represented in the dream as one naked man and one naked woman standing side-by-side, and how each were created to fit, one into the other, symbiotically. The dream allowed me to feel on a very deep level within me the utter divine bliss that was possible when a man and a woman unite as intended according to their respective true masculine and true feminine natures. The dream always left me with a beautiful feeling of love, the likes of which are unknown to man and the remnants of which I can only recall from the memory of that dream. The dream left its indelible mark on my young heart and as I grew up, it was my life goal to achieve that beautiful bliss with my one man and then be united with him forever as one."With that as a foundation, the idea of sex, to me, was always a physical expression of the spiritual soul union I would have with that one man. Later on, when I was a teen-ager, my nana also told me that the most beautiful gift I could give my husband was my virginity."When I went out into the world, throughout my 20’s and 30’s, a process began to unfold for me, in which I found out that what my nana had told me was actually an egregious lie. I observed that, actually, men only wanted whores. I saw this played out hundreds of times before my own eyes and I clung to my virginity. Today, despite a few “close calls,” I still cling to my virginity and I now know I will never give it up, because I will never have a husband to give it to."▶️ Donate Now: http://www.freedomainradio.com/donate▶️ Sign Up For Our Newsletter: http://www.fdrurl.com/newsletterYour support is essential to Freedomain Radio, which is 100% funded by viewers like you. Please support the show by making a one time donation or signing up for a monthly recurring donation at: http://www.freedomainradio.com/donate▶️ 1. Donate: http://www.freedomainradio.com/donate▶️ 2. Newsletter Sign-Up: http://www.fdrurl.com/newsletter▶️ 3. On YouTube: Subscribe, Click Notification Bell▶️ 4. Subscribe to the Freedomain Podcast: http://www.fdrpodcasts.com▶️ 5. Follow Freedomain on Alternative Platforms🔴 Bitchute: http://bitchute.com/stefanmolyneux🔴 Minds: http://minds.com/stefanmolyneux🔴 Steemit: http://steemit.com/@stefan.molyneux🔴 Gab: http://gab.ai/stefanmolyneux🔴 Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/stefanmolyneux🔴 Facebook: http://facebook.com/stefan.molyneux🔴 Instagram: http://instagram.com/stefanmolyneux
Hi everybody, Stefan Molyneux from Freedom, I hope you're doing well.
I'm here with Lucia, who sent a very interesting letter in, and I wanted to talk some more about it.
So Lucia, if you wouldn't mind just going over what you've written in, that would be great.
Okay. Dear Stefan, when I was six years old, I had a recurring dream which ended up forming what I believed to be the purpose of my life.
The dream was a breathtaking illustration to me of the true nature of man and of woman, represented in the dream as one naked man and one naked woman standing side by side, and how each were created to fit one into the other symbiotically.
The dream allowed me to feel on a very deep level within me The utter divine bliss that was possible when a man and a woman unite as intended, according to their respective true masculine and true feminine natures.
The dream always left me with a beautiful feeling of love, the likes of which are unknown to man and the remnants of which I can only recall from the memory of that dream.
The dream left its indelible mark on my young heart and as I grew up, it was my life goal to achieve that beautiful bliss with my one man and then be united with him forever as one.
With that as a foundation, the idea of sex to me was always a physical expression of the spiritual soul union I would have with that one man.
Later on, when I was a teenager, my Nana also told me that the most beautiful gift I could give my husband was my virginity.
When I went out into the world throughout my twenties and thirties, a process began to unfold for me, in which I found out that what my Nana had told me was actually an egregious lie.
I observed that actually men only wanted whores, I saw this played out hundreds of times before my own eyes, and I clung to my virginity.
Today, despite a few close calls, I still cling to my virginity, and I know now I will never give it up, because I will never have a husband to give it to.
I've recently been seeing a psychologist to get evaluated for Asperger's syndrome.
However, in my last session, I ended up talking a lot about my ex-boyfriend.
Because he had just begun texting me again and I had begun to fall apart again.
I found myself bursting into tears in front of my psychologist in a moment of unanticipated candor.
I told the psychologist that I had never had all the way sex and that I wouldn't do so without being married and that I only wanted to have sex with one single man throughout my whole life In a sense, for me, the act of allowing my husband to have sex with me is my vow and bond to him for life.
That is how seriously I take the act of penetration.
The psychologist, of course, asked me why I would not have sex.
I've spent much of my adult life trying to answer this question for modern people and it's like trying to explain a sunset to a blind person.
Nobody understands me.
I told the psychologist I feel like I'm from a different planet.
I don't know anymore how to explain to modern people why I only want to have sex once married and only with one man my whole life, because they have no capability to understand me.
To me, it's obvious and normal and natural.
I told him sex is the most intimate thing two human beings can do.
I feel like everyone else has it backwards.
I told him, especially for the woman, sex is unspeakably intimate, and the more I learn about the process of sex, the more shocked and even disgusted I am when I think that females go around allowing men to do that to them.
Basically, I become ever more estranged from what is considered normal.
All I could tell the psychologist in my defense Was that I must be more sensitive and much deeper than everyone else.
As I was speaking those words and thinking about my ex, the guy who had drawn me closer to him than I've ever been to anyone ever, I burst into tears.
I said, if it hurts this much when I don't have sex, how much more would it hurt if I had let him have sex with me?
What is wrong with me?
And how can it be right as a woman to allow so many different men to become a physical part of my body?
And why don't men care?
Why are they blind to this logic?
Or am I being illogical?
Why am I so alone with this thinking?
I'm the one who has lived alone and will die alone because men want nothing but sex.
And if you don't give them that, they consider you to be a waste of their time.
Even though they will most likely abandon you sooner or later, even if you let them screw you.
I've always hated feminism.
I've always loved men and masculinity, but I have developed a deep fear of men.
Yeah, that's an amazing letter, Lucia, and I really, really appreciate the courage that it takes to discuss These very, very important matters in this kind of public space.
So I just really wanted to thank you for that.
And have you had sort of more thoughts since you wrote the letter about this conversation and what it is that you wanted to explore?
God, yes. I mean, I wanted to prepare for this, but I didn't manage, I didn't have time to as much as I wanted to.
I'm always thinking stuff and so And actually, because I wrote this summer, I've been thinking...
I'm always tossing things around in my head to talk about, so I don't...
This is what I came up with, these questions.
Because I'm so...
I can't stand it when I get asked this question of why...
I won't have sex because it just...
it vexes me.
You know when I watch you and you're talking to someone and you put your head in your hands and you start making this face or you do these things like you're gonna explode?
That's how I feel whenever someone asks me that question anymore because I know they'll never understand my answer.
Because I've tried in so many different ways to explain my perspective to people, and they just...
And it's often, most times, I guess it's men who want to convince me to drop my morals and to have sex with me.
Sorry, I didn't think you were going to say the word morals there, but alright.
Okay. Panties?
Something like that, but anyway.
Oh, okay.
I guess six of one, half a dozen of the other, as the old saying goes, but go on.
So, yeah, most of the time it's a guy who's trying to convince me to change my mind, because they always do.
They always think they're going to be the one that's going to convince me to It's like they don't think I'm serious or something.
Right. Well then, just for the record, because this question will arise, I have seen your Skype picture and you are a very attractive woman, physically.
So that is not, this is not a justification for a lack of male attention in your life.
I assume that there's been very little shortage of that.
So I just really wanted to point that out.
I hate to start off shallow, but I just want to force all those questions, if that makes sense.
Okay, thanks.
And it's funny, you know, Lucia, just how early dreams can have such a lifelong impact.
I still remember my very first dream, which was I was A little child.
I think I was younger than you.
I think I was maybe three, two or three years old.
And I was a little boy lost in a very dark wood with very giant trees.
It was midnight overhead.
I could even see the stars.
I remember walking through and seeing the tree limbs, the sort of very spider-like tree limbs slicing across the stars.
And I came to a giant tree with a hole in the bottom and I dug down under the tree and found a treasure chest which was easy to open and inside was gold that actually glowed which I brought to the surface and I remember when I woke up from that dream being absolutely heartbroken to realize that it was a dream and this idea that you have to go to the roots of things to find the treasure well that almost led me straight to Poland but anyway and it is funny because that sense of loss of treasure that we have within us of course A much more beautiful idea of what the world is going to be like when we're very young than it actually becomes when we're older.
And life is very often a series of endless, eternal, recurring heartbreaks.
When we think of the dream of the way that life could be and the way that the world could be and then finding the way that the world is, the blindness and selfishness and narcissism and The cold-eyed, inconsequential cruelty of its inhabitants and the lack of wisdom,
the lack of listening, the lack of knowledge, the lack of curiosity, the hatreds, the greed, the entitlement, the general hellscape of modern social landscapes, it is hard to reconcile our early visions of what the world could be with the world that we find ourselves in.
It's like we are born in a dream of heaven and we slowly awake to a reality of hell.
And it is not surprising to me that you had a vision at six years old, a recurring dream of unity and of sexuality as an expression of the union of two souls.
And then when you see the tawdry, half-drunken, sticky-fingered pawing at each other that most of the bald mammals called human beings engage in, it's a little tough to reconcile, right?
Yeah. What was going on in your life when you were six?
Oh my god.
When I was six, I'm not entirely sure.
I have very little recollection of what happened to me before age eight.
But I think when I was six that my mother started to go to law school.
And so she was gone all week.
And my father was...
I don't know.
That's the best guess I have.
Your father was what?
I don't think I didn't notice.
Yeah, he was the one who was home, I guess, with us.
You guessed? Yes, when I was eight my parents had a very violent divorce and it seems to have wiped out or something has wiped out almost all of my childhood memories.
Now do you mean before eight or later than that?
Before eight, but I can say that I don't remember A lot of stuff.
When I compare to other people, what other people remember about their adolescence and childhood, I remember very little of mine, but I remember particularly little prior to age eight.
Right. Now, do you know much about your parents' marriage?
I mean, if you don't have any strong memories until eight, what do you know about your parents' marriage to begin with?
Oh, they fought all the time.
They were My dad had a very violent temper.
One memory I do have was crouching in the back of the car.
My dad was driving and shouting at my mother and I was in the seat behind my mom.
I was crouching on the floor because I was scared to death that we were going to crash.
Was that before you were eight?
Yes, that was before I was six, I think.
It was one of my earliest memories, anyhow.
That's terrible. I mean, that is last moments, right?
You feel like you're in your last moments as a human being.
Yeah, and...
You know, I don't...
My recollection as an adult is I don't even hardly remember having parents when I was prior to age eight.
I don't remember them being present in my life almost at all.
What do you mean? You mean that they were working or gone or studying?
I don't remember them being in my life.
I have a small handful of memories Of moments like I remember being closed in a closet and my mother was apparently a phys ed teacher and she took me to school one day and I remember her students closed me in a closet in the back of the classroom.
I don't remember my parents being in my life, simply.
Your mom took you to her class, I guess a gym class, right?
And then her students put you in a closet?
It might have been a health class because there was a classroom involved.
These were older kids, I assume, and your mother was not aware that this was happening?
I don't know where she was.
She was missing in action all the time.
Like I said, I don't have any memory of where my parents were or what was going on.
I don't remember having parents when I was young.
I don't remember anything.
Well, Well, my dad told me my mom took me to a daycare when I was like three years old and that I used to scream and cry for like half an hour before she...
No, you know, I don't remember...
It's all a black hole has sucked up my memory except for very, like, the two memories I just told you and some few others.
Otherwise, I've been asking, you know, if I want to know something about my childhood, I ask one of my parents.
So, do you know what they fought about?
I guess it was always different stuff, but one particular I do know because I asked, well, I asked, my dad told me, the incident that I understood led to their, ultimately led to their divorce, or not ultimately, but directly led to their divorce was that, and this is when I was eight, They were driving.
I had been at my aunt's and they had both come to pick me up and take me back home and that was in Philadelphia and we lived north of Philadelphia and on the way home I was in the back of the car and they were in the front fighting as usual.
My dad pulled the car over.
I thought They were fighting over directions.
And then my dad just hauled off and punched my mom in the eye.
And she was wearing glasses.
And everyone just burst out in tears.
And I did.
And my dad did.
And my mom did. And her eye was cut.
He drove into a gas station.
He was Like, sobbing and apologizing.
Like, I've never hit a woman before.
But what had happened, I learned after, like, when I was 10, my dad told me the story of how he came home while my mom was cheating on him, basically.
Right. And he did also told me he was sleeping with other women as well.
Right. But that he claimed at that time that he had her permission to do so.
And actually this summer I had another conversation with my dad about this.
Let me just interrupt for a second there.
Yes? Didn't have your permission now, did he?
No. Of course not, right?
Of course not. And this idea, well, I had my wife's permission, it's like, well, how about your kids?
Hey, kids, do you mind if daddy sleeps with other women and potentially destabilizes the entire family and breaks the bond with your mother?
And they'd say, we don't want you to do that, dad, at all.
That's a terrible idea. So the idea that he has his wife's permission but not his children is incomprehensible to me.
But anyway, so I just wanted to point that out.
But if you want to go on, you said you were talking to your mom?
Oh, yeah. No, it's just that this summer I had another conversation with my dad about that same incident in which he told me that actually he only had permission for my mom to have sex with one of those women he was having sex with.
So, you know, who really knows?
The incident in the car, I'm going to go out on a limb here, Lucia, and just guess that your father did not take your mother to the hospital.
Not that I know of.
Because he didn't want the doctor to say to the mother, how did this happen?
My husband hit me, boom, assault and all that.
So his first concern was to make sure the crime did not come to light to the authorities.
Well, he drove into a gas station and I think they got like, I don't know, ice or something for it.
Yeah, that's not, they don't have a duty to report, right?
Yeah. Well, it didn't matter because my, you know, my mom, I was in the back seat and I was bawling and I asked my mom, are you going to get a divorce?
And she said yes.
So, it was over anyway.
And this was two years after she started studying to become a lawyer, right?
Yeah, I guess so.
So, she was just finishing law school, I think, conveniently.
She was wanting to get away from him anyway.
And she had this guy on the side who she ended up then spending the rest of their life.
He passed away now in 2014, but they were together since my parents' divorce.
Do you know what attracted them to each other in the first place?
My dad and my mom?
Yeah. Oh my god, yes.
I asked them both the same question not even that long ago, and they ironically both gave exactly the same answer.
Physical attraction? No, no.
And this is typical of my family specifically.
Your mom was the smartest in her class.
This was about intellect.
My mom said, your father was the smartest man she knew.
They both gave exactly the same answer.
Sort of an intellectual vanity thing?
Yeah. That's my whole family and my brother has inherited that.
I'm the stupid one in the family because I didn't go to Harvard and I didn't get a PhD.
And I'm all kinds of things.
I'm more creative and I'm not a very intellectual person.
But the whole family is like worship intellect.
Yeah, that does sound a little familiar.
My mom likes my dad's intelligence and she also liked his sense of humor.
He had a very dry British wit that I remember her saying to me, That my father had a very long pipe, like a Gandalf-style pipe.
And somebody asked him, why do you have such a long pipe?
And my father said, well, my doctor told me to stay away from tobacco.
You know, mildly funny.
I guess pretty engaging.
Yeah, there is definitely a worship.
There is almost a fetish for intellect that runs through both sides of my family, who are intellectuals and all of that.
Writers and analysts.
And... This fetish for intellect, as opposed to wisdom and virtue, is very dangerous.
Yeah. Okay, so you said that the divorce was violent.
Now, do you mean just emotionally, or were there more incidents of physical violence?
Well, I don't think there was physical violence, but my dad has such a...
A fierce temper.
And when he shouts, it's like, if you can, like, it's like a Violence, in a sense.
It's sort of like a verbal tsunami that just erases towns and villages, right?
I know the type. I really know the type.
They escalate until you are emotionally destroyed before them, and then there's reconciliation when you cease to exist.
Yeah, yeah.
He's a bully. He's a coward and a bully.
I'm going to just be frank with you, Lucia, because does he shout at policemen and scream at his boss, or does he only ever yell down the chain of authority?
I don't know.
Well, you've spent many, many years around him.
No, actually... If he gets pulled over for speeding, does he scream at the cop?
No, no. He...
He's very, like I said, very intellectual and actually both my brother and my father are extremely intelligent.
And so he begins by speaking.
And he only gets furious when he's dealing with, I don't know, family maybe?
I'm not sure. No, I can tell you exactly what it is.
You can't say he only gets furious when his will is thwarted, because if he's driving along too fast and he gets pulled over speeding, his will is thwarted.
You can't say he just gets angry when he's contradicted, because if he says to the policeman, I don't think I was speeding, and the policeman says, I have you clocked at whatever.
And so the key to unlocking the mystery of your father's rage is that he's fine screaming at children.
He's fine punching a woman.
But he's not out there doing it to cops and politicians and priests.
And, you know, if your teacher...
If he said something insulting during a student-teacher conference, he wouldn't be punching her in the face.
Because, you see, she could actually have him drawn up on charges.
She could actually, it could be hugely negative consequences.
So your father has this six spider-sense antennae that's out there that says, Can I get away with being a bully?
Can I get away? Is it a child of mine?
Is it someone who's dependent on me?
Can I get away with it?
In which case, I'm going to.
Now, if I can't get away with it, then I'm going to be sweet as sugar and syrupy as honey, and everything's going to go just fine.
So that's the great mystery.
Your father doesn't have a bad temper.
You see, a bad temper is something that It erupts regardless of consequences, like Tourette's syndrome, or like an epileptic attack.
It just happens, regardless of consequences.
That's having a bad temper.
If you have the perfect ability to control your temper, if you're, say, pulled over by a policeman, or you're confronted by a teacher, or a priest, or a politician, or somebody who has authority over you is saying something that bothers you, or harms your interests, or interferes with your will, or whatever it is.
If you're perfectly able to control your temper, When the consequences of being angry are negative, then you don't have a temper.
If you only ever explode and unload your viciousness on children and your wife and all these other people who are, to some degree or another, dependent upon you or you have control over them, you're just a bully.
You don't have a bad temper.
You're just a bully. Tell me if I'm wrong.
This is my thesis. It's not proof.
It's just my thesis. I don't actually know, but it would be inaccurate to say that he's sweet as sugar because nobody likes him.
My friends in high school couldn't stand him.
How does he make a living?
You don't have to get into details.
Just give me the rough orbit of his career.
If nobody likes him, how does he make a living?
Well, first of all, he's retired now.
Professor of psychology.
There we go. There we go.
So he had tenure. And he wasn't working in the free market and he had a big government protected contract.
He didn't... I don't think he had tenure.
He didn't stay long enough to get tenure and he left...
He did have a lot of problems in his department with people.
So a professor of psychology.
Yeah. So he cannot conceivably claim a lack of knowledge about the destructive effects of verbal abuse.
No. No. And I think he actually used his knowledge of psychology against us as his family.
Wouldn't be the first time I've heard that.
Yeah. Yeah, sometimes you study psychology in a sadistic fashion so you understand better the weaknesses of those you wish to don't.
Right. Yeah.
And also, he did kidnap me like twice in connection with the divorce.
When you say kidnap.
Yeah. Can you break that out a little bit more for me?
Yes. Okay, so there were two incidents.
One I don't have any recollection of, but my mother told me the same summer that he punched her and they started to get divorced, my mom moved out and he apparently, in this case, he wouldn't let me see her for something like six weeks.
I don't remember that.
But he wouldn't let her near me.
I guess you don't know the mechanics of it, but she obviously knew where he lived, so she'd come by and he just wouldn't open the door?
Oh, I have not got a clue.
No, not a clue.
And the time I do remember was, we were given a choice who we wanted to live with, as far as I can remember, and I chose my mother because I was scared to death of my father.
Now my brother was not present at the time when he punched her and so he chose to live with my dad.
So within that year, that school year, I remember my mom moved to an apartment and I remember my dad came with a friend and told Um...
You know, I'm not entirely sure what he told my mom.
According to my mom, he said she was...
Wait. He said he was going to take us out for ice cream or something.
And all I remember is sitting...
Again, I was like eight years old.
I was in the back of his car.
And the person...
My dad's friend who was helping him kidnap us...
Um...
I was in the car making sure we didn't run away.
I sat.
It was dark out.
Looking out the back window of the car, my brother was next to me.
I was bawling my eyes out.
My dad and my mom were in the yard of this...
It was an apartment building, screaming.
My mom was...
I was crying.
They were shouting between the two of them because...
Well, I don't know.
And then I remember being at my dad's and wanting to call my mom and he wouldn't let me.
And his friend was keeping you from leaving the car, is that right?
Well, I wasn't leaving anyway, but I think he was there to prevent us from leaving, yes.
Wow. And how long did this go on for?
Which exactly? The being stuck in the car with your parents screaming at each other?
Oh, I don't know.
I don't think it was that long.
Will you return to your mother?
Eventually, yes.
And was that hours or days or what?
I have no idea.
I just have these like flashes, these scenes in my memory of things that happened.
I don't know. I don't have a concept of time or what happened before or after.
Or what was going on between my parents.
Like I don't have the backstory.
I just have my child eyes that I can still see it through.
And do you know how old you were then?
I was about eight at that.
Oh, so this was part of the whole messy divorce thing, right?
Yeah, I could have been nine.
I'm not sure which, where, when exactly in that year it happened.
Did your father get remarried?
Yes, he did. Eventually.
How did that go? He's still married to her.
Did he mellow with age?
Yes, he's mellowed now.
Has he taken any ownership or responsibility for being a violent abuser?
At one point when I was, I think I was in my 20s or early 30s, there was one Incident I addressed with him, and he apologized.
He gave like a general apologize for things he may not even remember.
Oh, one of these, if I made mistakes, I'm sorry.
Well, in that particular context, it was in relation to a particularly Traumatizing reaction he had to something I had no control over.
What was that? I'd rather not discuss it in public.
It was related to...
Oh, a period thing.
Okay, that's fine. We don't have to go into that.
But that also may be significant because sexuality, like your first period and he's embarrassed or enraged or whatever it is, right?
Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's...
Yeah. So what was the arrangements in the divorce between you and your mom and your dad?
They had a visitation thing back and forth that was very pain in the butt.
It's like, I don't remember again.
No, they were always making it difficult for each other or maybe your dad was making it difficult.
Well, it was like every other weekend, I was supposed to be with my dad, and every Wednesday, or I don't know, it was something weird like that, very irregular.
And I was always getting yelled at, particularly by my dad, for not conveying messages to my mom.
And he used to attack me for not...
He never physically attacked me, okay?
But verbally...
For not conveying messages he'd give me to give to my mother and he used to accuse me of playing trying to play them against each other Right and your mother has she Apologized for who she chose to be your dad or No,
and that wasn't even the worst thing about her That wasn't even the biggest issue that she married him.
It was that she was a feminist and I felt like she hated me because I was a girl and I was a stupid girl and I was a feminine girl and she hated and she's very unconscious of herself so to this day she has no idea about her you know But after all these years,
I get insight into her behavior, you know, and I've been trying to figure out what the hell does she have against me, because she treats me differently from other people.
And people who get to know me through her treat me with the same dismissive and kind of unconscious Like, I don't know. I want to use the word disdain, but it's so unconscious, I can't really use the word disdain.
It's dismissal or, you know, that's just Lucia, she's not important, she's not relevant, she's not a mover and shaker, she's not...
something like that?
It's more than dismissal.
Disdain or contempt? It's like she just did not like me.
And it came out in so many very subtle ways.
Difficult to identify ways, but I always felt it and I just couldn't understand what was going on.
It's like everyone who gets to know me through her treats me with the same kind of disrespect.
How did her feminism manifest itself?
Oh my God. She was in National Organization for Women.
She had all of these butch female friends.
She didn't get along with her mother.
Her mother was a homemaker.
Like my nana, who I said, they were Catholic.
Her mother and father were Catholic.
Oh, this is the woman who said the most beautiful gift you could give your husband with the opportunity.
Right, right, okay. So that's a hell of a switch in one generation, right, from traditional Catholic to, I assume, leftist feminist?
Yes. Right.
And there is a coldness and a brusqueness and a hostility in feminism as I experienced it growing up as well.
A lack of patience for anything soft and gentle.
I remember saying to a woman who was a feminist when she was just talking about sort of bare mechanics of domination and sex, and I'm like, I remember saying to her, you bruise these delicacies.
You know, sexuality, love, attraction, men and women, relations, they're very delicate things and very powerful things.
And just coming in with this big giant club of materialism and evolution and so on is doing scant justice to the complexity of the relationship.
Those factors matter, and I've talked about them before, but I also have an entire book about love and virtue called Real-Time Relationships, The Logic of Love.
And I just, I really don't like the sort of cold-eyed materialistic view It's sort of like someone's alive and then they're dead and someone stands over the body and says, well, they haven't lost any weight.
They're pretty much the same. It's like, they're not.
It's cold. Yeah. It's cold reductionist and very materialistic.
And I just, while you were just talking, I remembered when I was a teenager, so even, so at this time, I knew she hated me.
I This is how I thought.
I know she hates me, but she doesn't know she hates me because she doesn't know me.
I knew what was in my heart.
I knew that I loved men.
I knew that everything she hated was what I loved.
It's like when I left home and I went and I was so Fearful to do anything at all nice for a man.
But I desperately wanted to.
It's like this is...
It was in my heart, you know?
And I... Because my mother was all like...
It's like she was in my head somehow.
And I was afraid if I did something nice for a man, he would attack me.
Like... You know what I mean?
Just the way that she would attack me.
And I'd be criticized for doing it wrong.
Okay, that was my dad, actually.
But was it like, well, if you do something nice to a man, you're surrendering to the patriarchy, he's going to take advantage of you and all that?
Yeah. A great way to destroy a culture is to make women afraid to depend upon men because it kills the birth rate.
Because when a woman has kids, she is dependent upon a man or she's dependent upon the state.
And so a way to destroy a people is to...
Have the women be terrified to depend upon a man by painting men as ogres and by instilling a relentless desire for atomistic individualism on the part of the woman so that she can't merge with a child, she can't merge with a husband, she can't bond.
It just completely destroys everything.
And then what happens is you and other people like you see what a terrible relationship it is when people have those beliefs and then so many people have those beliefs that you're like, well, I don't want anything to do with that.
You don't have kids and the race is dead.
Because there's a thing, you know, where I get so many letters or emails, I guess, from women who were like, you know, well, I chose to stay home alone, but boy, everyone's like, oh, you're just dependent on a man and blah, blah, blah.
It's like, well, he's dependent upon you to raise.
It's mutual dependence. You're dependent on the man for the income and he's dependent upon you to raise his kids, to run his household.
It's completely mutual. Mutual interdependence.
It's not dependence. It's just one-sided.
Well, I rebelled so much against her And feminism, that was never going to happen.
I couldn't give a rat's ass what feminist women or they say to me.
In fact, sometimes I have picked fights with them on purpose just to piss them off because having grown up with my mother, I know exactly how to piss them off.
And sometimes I don't do it now.
But I used to just even say things that I may not really even believe, just to piss them off and to get into a fight with them.
So you can imagine I've never had a very good relationship with my mother.
But when I left, I went and I spent a year abroad in Sweden.
Wait, you meant to get away from feminists by going to Sweden?
No, no. Before you started talking about what you were just talking about, I was going to say this, that the first time I did something for a man, I remember this, I was in Finland on this year abroad in Sweden, and I was staying in With a guy, a Finnish guy, who I had been pen pals with.
And I was in love with him.
I was head over heels in love with him.
And he was staying at his friend's house.
So he and his friend went to work.
And I guess he also went to work.
Or maybe he was a student at that time.
And I was left alone at home.
And I really wanted to wash the dishes.
But I was really scared to, because I thought they were going to yell at me when they came back, but I did.
And when they came back, they thanked me.
And it was so different from what I was used to and what I was afraid of.
Because my mother hating the idea of doing anything nice for a man, and my father criticizing every single thing that I ever did.
Lucia, men, you know this, but men really, really want to love women.
It's what we're built for.
I'm not my father. We're built to love, to nurture, to protect, and to take care of women.
My father was not that way.
No, no, I get that for sure, you know, and there are people who deviate from that, but that's the norm.
What men are built for is to worship, to nourish, to protect, and to provide for...
I mean, I live with two wonderful females, and I can tell you this from direct personally.
Men really, really want to love women.
And when the Marxists and the feminists, kind of repeating myself, they come in and they...
Make women resentful and hostile and negative and critical and brusque and cold and unnurturing and anti-family and so on.
They rob men of their capacity to love women and therefore they rob men of their meaning of life.
Yeah. Why do men do anything to provide for women, to provide for a family?
That's what we're built for.
And when an ideology comes snaking its way in to the collective mindset and turns women horrible, turns them borky, cold, selfish, resentful, and vain, vain, vain, vain, then...
Men end up without women to love.
And there's a hole in a man's heart, the size of his heart.
There's a hole in his ambition, the size of his ambition.
And men are just like, well, to hell with it.
Women are horrible. I'm going to watch porn, play video games, and ride out to the end of things.
Because it's completely unsustainable.
It's a completely unsustainable situation.
So yeah, it is really tragic.
Whoever fastens The Satan, saber-toothed claws of the original serpent onto the mind and heart of your mom and shrunk it to a resentful ball of obsidian, frozen, feminist rage robbed everyone.
I'm not taking your father out of the equation, but it's particularly horrible when ideologies focus upon women, because women have higher degrees of agreeableness and so on, and women Women are very enthusiastic.
I say this having spent a lot of time around moms as a single, like, sorry, as a stay-at-home dad.
I've spent a lot of time around moms, you know, the daycares and play centers, not daycares, sorry, play centers and libraries and other places where I took my daughter when she was very young.
And it was wonderful to see the enthusiasm of a lot of these moms.
Now, that's kind of been taken over by addicted square pixel cell phone indifference, but earlier on...
The moms are all like, you know, they're, yay, good job!
You know, they're very excited. The kid is stacking blocks, and it's like they're building the Leaning Tower of Pisa, and it's like, yay!
They're so excited and so positive, so enthusiastic.
That's a beautiful part of motherhood.
And then you need, in general, dads to ride along at some point and say, you know, that drawing's not really that good.
You know, the first time your kid draws a stick figure, you're like, yay, good job, you know?
Does it look like daddy?
Sure it does. Actually, I'm pretty easy to draw.
But, um... But later, you know, if the kid says, I want to be an artist, and it's the job of the dad to come in and say, well, if you want to be an artist, you know, you've got to do X, you've got to do Y, you've got to do Z, it's complicated, it's difficult, and, you know, I'm happy to support you, but let's not pretend that you doodling for four hours a week is going to make you an artist, right? You need that kind of realism, and we've kind of lost that with all the single motherhood thing.
We've got this mindless, cheering...
I remember a friend of mine telling me a story about his daughter was at a running race, and one of the kids was away because the parents were on vacation, and the kid got a participation trophy and wasn't even there that day.
Because, you know, yay, good job!
There's no realism anymore.
And, yeah, this great tragedy of saying to women...
I can remember that.
There was an Aretha Franklin, Annie Lennox song.
Sisters are doing it for themselves.
You know, it's like, thank you, I'll do it myself.
It's like, no, you won't.
No, you won't, you vain, narcissistic, singing douchebags.
You're not out there hanging the lights on your concert stage yourself.
You're not out there booking driving trucks, hauling the heavy gear up that, because you've got toothpicks for arms.
Okay, well, not Aretha Franklin.
She had... I don't know.
Bags filled with Jell-O for Urms.
No, you're not doing it for yourselves.
Are you hiring a lot of women to be your recording engineers?
I don't think so. You're hiring a lot of women to hang your lights?
No, I don't think so. It's so ridiculous, but it's something that women are so weirdly susceptible to believing.
You can do anything a man can do.
No, you can't. No, men can't do everything a woman can do and women can't do...
You can be anything you want.
Oh, and just go and get educated.
You'll have this wonderful career.
It's going to be so fulfilling.
It's like, no, it won't. Because women at the higher echelons of intelligence are virtually non-existent.
And most people's jobs aren't really that much fun.
And so you're going to go out there and you're going to get a job and it's going to kind of suck.
And you're going to be kind of bored.
And you're going to get exhausted. You're going to feel unfulfilled.
But you can't stop because you're programmed.
You're bad or wrong for not enjoying squinting into late-night paperwork rather than raising children.
Can't say it. Can't admit it.
Can't be honest about it.
Gotta drive on and dive on.
And then you panic. And then you panic.
And your ovaries say, no, no, no, no.
Babies, family, husband, love.
What about the second half of our life?
Is it going to be filled?
With paperwork and commuting and depression.
Let us create life.
Let us be a fountain of humanity.
Let us continue the race, the species.
And they push all that aside.
No, I'm committed.
I have a career! But you don't really enjoy your career, and your career won't hold your hand as you get old, and your career ain't going to drive you to the doctor, and your cats ain't going to listen to your problems unless you're really a crazy cat lady talking to them like they can.
And if you fall and knock your head on a counter and pass out and die on the ground, if your cats really love you, they may wait a grand total of 18 hours before starting to eat your eyeballs.
You know, your kids will come rushing in, and they'll, like adult kids, they'll come rushing in and find you, oh, we've got to call, we've got to help you out, we've got to get you to the hospital.
But you're just a slowly rotating piece of rotisserie chicken to your cats.
It's going to eat you up. And then I guess you are feeding life, you are creating life in the world, because your cats will eat your eyeballs and use that energy to give birth to kittens.
And there you have eyeballs to kittens.
In one generation, you just don't have any kids, right?
And it's tragic, and it's such a huge lie.
But because, I mean, men's weakness is aggression, women's weakness is vanity.
And saying to women, you can have all these wonderful things, you can be the same as a man, you can do that, you can't.
A few yes on the outliers, but for the average, absolutely not.
Average woman, less intelligent than the average man.
Average woman prefers community rather than work with abstractions.
Women get baby rabies, men not so much.
Men get heartsick for the missing women that they could love.
And so this is a horrible, virulent strain of genocidal sterility that has come into the West.
It is absolutely crippling us.
And you, perhaps, did you have early Catholic upbringing?
Is that right? No, no, no.
But you got some through your Nana, right?
What? No.
I don't know. I mean, my mom was an atheist.
My dad, we were not raised religiously at all.
On the contrary.
But you, I mean, if your mom was gone a lot, you say you don't have any memory of your mom.
That's true. I'm going to assume that it was your Nana who was around.
No, no. No, she lived, they lived kind of far away.
I only got to see them at Christmas and, you know, holidays, like usual.
And again, tell me if I'm wrong here, of course.
But when you went over to your nanas for Christmas, did they take you to church at all?
Was any of that happening?
Okay. I did go a couple times with my nana and my great-aunts and my grandpa to church.
Right. Well, I was quite young at that time, though, so I didn't know what it was about or anything.
I'll tell you this, from my experience, and it's not a universal statement, maybe it's different for you, Christmas in atheist households, just about the most depressing and horrible thing you can experience, on average, especially if they're leftists. Because leftism is cold.
Leftism sees people in terms of categories, not individualism.
Leftism is all about gender oppression and class exploitation, and it's cold.
It's cold. It relates more to abstractions and less to actual human beings.
They invite you into this antiseptic, Archimedes-based world of purity and abstraction.
And then, as happens so often with leftists, the more they love mankind in the abstract, the more they hate each individual they come across.
And certainly, my aunts used to take me to church.
When I was younger, I would sometimes spend a lot of time with my aunts because my mother was in and out of hospital for various kinds of depressions and ailments.
But I do remember the beauty of the Christian Churches, the Christian celebrations, they were magical.
The singing, the candles, the wreaths, the highfalutin chambers, the echo, the sonorous tones, the beautiful language, the deep experience.
And then in my household with my mom, Christmas was horrible because we had a vision of what Christmas should be, which is...
Eggnog and togetherness and Christmas carols and funny stories and enjoying each other's company and opening presents.
And we could never ever sustain that.
My mother would burn the turkey or get upset or angry about something or drop something on the ground.
There'd be a screaming fest and then there's nothing so tortuous in human life.
As knowing what the ideal should be and seeing the exact opposite engulf you against your will.
That was with your vision of love from when you were six, the recurring dream.
This is what it should be.
This is the glory.
An angel dust staircase I should be ascending to the beautiful world of unity and love, compassion, charity, connection.
And instead, I fall down into this shit heap of screaming and violence and danger and resentment.
And everybody sits around.
You know as well as I do, I'm sure.
You see that horrible sensation like you're swallowing an egg.
When you're half in tears, but you're not allowed to cry, you're sitting around a Christmas table.
Everyone hates being there.
Everyone hates each other. And you've got to stuff down some badly cooked bird.
And then open presents.
And the only present you're hoping for is some magical fucking portal that takes you as far away from this environment as humanly possible.
Well, my Christmases were not quite...
Actually, at my dad's, they might have...
One Christmas in particular was almost traumatizing.
But because we spent it most...
Every year with my Catholic crimp, I mean my...
Oh, that's much better, yeah.
Family, yeah. So just New Year's Eve, when my parents got divorced, I had a couple Christmas, you know, Christmases I'd have first at my dad's.
I hated being at my dad's, though.
But I had that experience you talked about where I was in love in high school with a boy who was Catholic and This one Christmas where my dad made a living hell of it for me, I went to the church to see...
They were heavily involved in the church where I lived, this family with this boy that I was in love with.
And I experienced exactly what you...
Because before going to there, I was crying and burying my face in my closet, in the clothes in my closet because of my dad.
And then I went to the church and I couldn't stop crying still.
And they took me back to their house and I talked to this boy about what had happened with my dad.
And it was like warm and light and And Christmas and love.
And then I had to go back to my dad's and it was like a cemetery.
Cold, dark, empty.
No, the cemetery has a certain piece to it.
It's worse than that, isn't it?
Oh, perhaps.
A cemetery, you can have calm reflections.
I remember being 19, working up north, coming across a country graveyard, Christeberg style, and lying on the grave.
Touching my head to the headstone, looking up at the moon, and vowing that in the short span that I had on this planet, I was going to live life as fully as possible.
Because you know you're going to sink through that earth into the coffin sooner or later, and it's not actually that long that we have in the larger span of things.
So a graveyard can be a contemplative, reflective...
I mean, I just did a whole... I had a set of speeches in Poland in graveyards, and it was powerful for me, and I think the audience seems to connect with that as well.
And so, no, I hate to sort of nag you about it, but no, it's worse than a graveyard.
It's worse than it. You can go to a graveyard to visit the grave of a loved one and have a moving experience communing with eternity, but it's worse.
I mean, being with people Who are really screwed up and dysfunctional and resentful and immature and aggressive and emotionally or physically violent and dangerous and half-drunken.
I mean, it's worse than solitude.
It's worse than solitude. There is almost nothing worse in it.
That is hell. It's the old Sartre line in Part de Sauti, which is, hell is other people.
Hell is other people. Hell is not a graveyard.
The dead can't abuse you.
It is the living who torture you.
The dead leave you mostly in peace.
So, let me see if I can figure this out.
I'll put forward a thought, which I've had mulling over and back and forth since I got the letter, and you can tell me what you think.
We judge sex according to our parents, because that's what produced us, right?
Their sexual relations is what produced us.
So, in your parents' life, sex led to violence, and you were huddled behind the seat in the car behind your mother as your father was screaming at your mother.
Not the incident where he hit her, but another time, and you literally thought you were going to die.
Now, why were they together?
They weren't together because of virtue.
They were together because of sex.
They were turned on by each other's big brains, right?
Some guys are big tits, some guys are big asses, your parents were just big brain people.
It's the same fetish. So they were together for big brains, they went together for virtue or maturity or wisdom or anything like that.
So, in your mind, I'm gonna guess, the steps go something like this.
Sex, sexual desire, sexual attraction, leads to violence, leads to death.
Which is kind of the opposite.
Sexual desire should lead to love.
It should lead to life.
It should go up the staircase, not down to hell.
Because in the rational world, in the sane world, in the healthy world, you're attracted to someone.
You find out, I mean, maybe it's physical attraction to begin with is perfectly fine.
Physical attraction I have no problem with because, you know, self-grooming and taking care of yourself and so on is part of physical attraction.
So it's fine. It signals to people something.
So in a sane universe, you look at your parents and you say, wow, they really love each other.
They're really kind, gentle, wonderful, stern...
Stern with evildoers and kind with us, which is the best combination.
They're wonderful people. So love, sexual attraction leads to love, leads to children, leads to joy, community, connection, family, good stuff.
It's a staircase that leads up.
But in your family, sexual attraction, not just within the marriage, but the people that your parents wanted to have sex with outside the marriage, sexual attraction Leads to your mother being punched by your father with her glasses on.
Leads to horrible divorces.
Leads to kidnapping. And so sex leads to violence, leads to death, the death of the family, the fear of death you had in the car.
Eros and Thanatos, right?
It's the old love and death.
Does sex lead to love and life, or does sex lead to death and destruction?
You see the divorce rates and you see...
And another reason why I wanted to talk to you is I've got a lot of guys who have some issues with modern women.
It's like, dudes, there are women out there who have issues with modern guys.
Lucia's one of them! Sexual lust is a sin.
Sexual lust alone.
Acting on sexual lust alone is gluttony.
It's a sin of lust. And it is a sin.
And your parents were guilty of the sin, of forming a family based upon vanity, sexual desire, not on virtue, not on love, but on greed.
Greed for status. Oh, he's a professor of psychology.
He's well-educated. Oh, she's the smartest in her class.
Status, status, status. Not virtue.
Not virtue. So you are hung between two worlds, because you've got one base, materialistic, status-driven, very primitive, it's very primitive, to have sex with each other and make a family based upon status rather than virtue.
It's like the brides in India who need a certain kind of dowry.
I mean, it's just, it's terribly materialistic, it's horrible, it's horrifying, and it completely weakens the foundations of the family.
That's on the one side. On the other side, you have your Nana, and you have the Catholic inheritance, Forget the flesh, look for the soul.
Forget the status, look for the virtues.
And your dream, I was going to say, comes from God, to put it in an analogous way.
And your reality came from Darwin.
No values, no virtues, no higher calling, no spirit, no love.
Just status sex.
Rage, resentment, greed.
And your concern about the men in your life since, that they're animals.
They're just pawing at you for sex.
Yeah. And this hanging between God and Darwin is where we are.
And having just come back from Poland recently, the God countries are winning.
The Darwin countries are flushing themselves down the sewer of greed into a prehistory of evolutionary obsolescence.
And there's a third poll called philosophy, which I'm working quite hard to bring to the world, but I'm not entirely sure we have time.
Does that make any sense about a possible way to look at this?
Yeah. I assume this is like subconscious or on an unconscious level.
You talked about a dream!
Of course it's unconscious, right?
No, I meant the part about that I saw my parents' sex leading to violence and death.
Well, yeah. I mean, it's factual, right?
I mean, you fear death.
You had your very first, at least I assume that's your first, at the age of six or so, or seven, you had your very first, I'm about to die, and I'm about to die as the result of my parents fighting, and the only reason they're together is...
Now, again, it's all unconscious, you probably didn't know a lot about sex at that time, or anything like that, but...
If you don't want to be your parents, you have to run in the opposite direction.
Because you can't just orbit your parents.
Like, if you want to be like your parents, if your parents are great people, fantastic, then you have...
Not a lot of work to do. But if you don't want to be like your parents, you have to run and crawl and bleed and scream and climb using your incisors sometimes up a very shorty cliff wall.
You have to really work hard to go in the opposite direction.
And sometimes you can end up even in a better place.
Like I so much wanted to be the opposite of my parents that I ended up achieving a state of peculiar grace and virtue.
And I'm not sure, given how you've talked about your parents now, I'm not sure that you made it as far away as you needed to in order to carve your own space.
No. You're still in the orbit, right?
I don't know. I'm not sure.
Do you mean like... You still have a relationship with your parents?
Oh, yeah. Why?
Well, okay...
Could be a good reason that I'm not aware of, so I'm not saying you shouldn't.
I'm just asking the question.
Well, there was a period of perhaps about seven years I had no contact with my dad.
And then...
Who probably did you less harm than your mother.
As it turns out, yes.
But I didn't know that.
I thought... Because the way that he...
Just a bully, not a feminist.
Right. Who's a bully and also tortures your entire identity.
I never... I always thought all my problems were from him because my mother's influence was so subtle.
And it took me so many years.
The guy who punches someone, it's brutal and it's horrible.
But it's obvious. It's pretty damn obvious, right?
It's the people who snake these slithery syllables into your subconscious who are the real dangers, right?
And my mother neglected me.
Right. Adam could have fought the snake, but Adam can't fight the snake who takes over Eve's mind.
Yeah, so after a certain amount of time, I meditate a lot, and after a certain amount, and of course I self, a lot of self psychoanalysis constantly, and I've seen You know, therapists, and I've done a lot of work on myself.
So after a certain amount of time, I re-established contact, just email contact with my father and everything.
I feel like I have... Was that under the advice of a therapist or something that you read or something you wanted to do on your own?
It was my own, me.
And what was the thinking behind that?
I felt like I could...
I felt like I had changed enough to be able to manage the...
But what was the plus? Plus.
You know, like, so if you fell into a bear cage, right?
And then you go work out a lot and you're like, okay, now I can go back into that bear cage and I'm tougher.
It's like, well, why'd you want to go back into the bear cage at all?
Well... It's...
I... Hmm...
I don't really see a plus with having my, you know, I could, if I had my, completely had my way, I would have no contact with my brother or, well, now my father, I have things under control with my father, but I don't.
No, but he's getting older, right?
My dad is like 80-something now.
Yeah, so isn't he going to need more and more resources as he ages?
Resources. What do you mean?
He's going to get unwell, he's going to get infirm, he could get dementia, he could get arthritis or whatever, right?
I mean, isn't he going to need more resources?
And we all know that it generally falls to the daughter, not the son.
Oh, well, I don't think our family is like that because we don't support...
My family doesn't support one another in that way, so...
Okay, so what is the point of being back in touch with your dad?
I guess I had guilt.
Guilt about what? And this is not organic.
This can't have come from your unconscious.
This has to have come from somewhere else.
Because when you've been the victim of repeated verbal abuse and you've seen your father punch your mother and he's kidnapped you and so on, guilt would not be an organic response.
It would not be something where you say, wow, I've really got to make amends to that guy because...
Because why? I mean, in my sense, my concern is like a therapist or some book, you go, oh, you've got to reconcile, you've got to do this, you're going to carry around the guilt, it's going to eat you alive, you've got to forgive because it only hurts you, right?
Well, I have a...
This is a thing I have lived with a long time that I have...
It's very easy for me to feel guilt or, like, from...
Understanding and then compassion and then guilt or for people or things that really maybe I shouldn't or that aren't my fault.
Are you saying that something to do with your father's abuse of you and your mother and your brother was your fault?
Why should he be rewarded?
With your time, attention, your resources, what has he done to earn it?
Now, it's one thing, maybe, if he'd had some huge revelation and was like, gosh, you know, I've just done the worst thing, and there was some healing and some openness and blah, blah, blah, but, you know, he's 80.
He's not going to change. Well, he continued, even though I had not responded to him at all, he continued, like, he sent me To my mother's.
I'm not sure he knew where I was living because I kept moving around.
Presents and stuff.
And I didn't care.
In fact, I was stunned that he never mentioned the obvious, like the pink elephant in the room.
That I had not had any contact with him.
He completely ignored that.
Sure. But that's a test though.
That's a test to see if he can get away with unreality.
And if you let him get away with unreality, he's just going to drive you back to your childhood.
Straight up. Like that. When you haven't seen people for a while, of course they're going to try and put out these feelers.
Can I be around you and have you completely ignore reality?
And if they win, then you just dissociate.
You just lose your reality and your unconscious is like, oh, fuck, now we're back here again.
Great, good job. Well, I guess it's because you're supposed to have contact with your parents.
Yeah, I wonder who came up with that idea.
I wonder if, like, whoever said you have this magical, horrible voodoo curse unless you have relationships with your parents.
Now, could it be virtuous, good, healthy parents who came up with that?
Of course not. Why?
Because you don't need to have commandments and guilt in order to spend time around people you respect and love.
No. This is an edict created specifically by and for abusive parents.
Bulliers of children, rapists of children, beaters of children, screamers of children.
They come up with this stuff.
Oh, I can't provide any value because I'm an asshole, but...
If I summon some magical curse, then now I have value, because otherwise you're going to be cursed, right?
Well, I've hung out a lot with Christian people as well, and even Muslims at some time, and they also are very...
They're sticklers for that, honor thy father and thy mother kind of thing.
Which means learn from them. It doesn't mean provide all the resources to evildoers that you can possibly give.
It means I honor my mother.
I learned a huge amount from her life.
I honor her life by learning from it.
If your father's a chain smoker and you say, I'm never going to have a cigarette, you're honoring your father.
Because you're like, okay, well, he told me why not to do this.
I'm going to honor that knowledge of it.
I don't, I mean, I disagree with Christians about this, and I've heard multiple interpretations of various ideas within Christianity about this, which is honor their mother and their father, to me, is...
Also honor thy grandmother and thy grandfather and thy great-grandmother and thy great-grandfather.
It's about going back in chains.
And if your parents have deviated from a long-held tradition, then you honor them by restoring that tradition.
So with you, if your parents were driven by lust, then you're going to say, okay, well, no sex before marriage.
You're honoring your parents by seeing that they went the wrong way.
If you know they should turn left at an intersection and they turn right instead, You don't honor your parents by pretending they're going in the right direction.
You honor your parents by saying, no, you're going the wrong way.
You've got to turn around, right? But it's not about unreality.
Where on earth could it ever say in Christianity, pretend that things didn't happen?
Fall into the lies of evildoers and conform with them.
Serve the need of wrongdoers for unreality.
Where on earth would Jesus have ever said something like that?
If evildoers insist that you lie, do that.
About your history, about your experience, about the truth.
No. No, no, no.
No, that's not the teaching.
And forgiveness does not mean a relationship.
You can forgive someone That doesn't mean that you have to drive them everywhere.
It doesn't mean that you can forgive someone.
You can be a Christian and you can forgive someone who killed your pet.
That doesn't mean that you then have to pay their bills for the next 10 years.
Right. It doesn't mean you ever have to see them again.
You just let go of that resentment.
I could wake up every morning and think about the wrongs of my childhood and think about the people who did me harm and so on.
Now, I don't choose to do that because I don't want their actions to dominate my life.
I don't want to let them win.
I mean, for me, not letting evil people win is very, very important.
Because if you let them win, you're just sowing the seeds for the next generation of evil because it's effective and it works, right?
So what you do is you say, what you're doing is you're saying, well, you can...
Beat up your kids. Verbally.
You can punch your wife.
You can drive so badly and so dangerously that your child thinks she's gonna die.
You can kidnap your child.
You can bully people. And then you know what?
You get your kids time anyway.
They gotta come be with you anyway.
As a good father, I resent your subsidization of bad fathering.
Subsidization?
Yeah.
Of that? Yes.
My daughter will want to spend time with me when I'm old because she loves me.
Right? But you're like, well, I'm going to spend time with my father anyway.
It's like you're subsidizing. You're treating him as if he was a good father when he wasn't a good father.
As a good father, that resents me.
I resent that. Okay.
I'm just telling you my feelings.
It's not a huge moral judgment. And I really do apologize.
This is one of the very few calls where I have a sort of stop.
So I could certainly go for another couple minutes.
And I really do apologize for this.
It's very rare, but I wanted to get this call in.
But as far as this goes, my general conclusion is that if you...
If you find someone whose value matches yours, and you did talk about an ex-boyfriend who you're still in touch with, but if you find someone whose values match yours, if you then remain a virgin or celibate and don't experience the joy in union, then your experience as a child dominates your life as an adult.
You lose, because your parents will end up running your life.
Even after they're dead? No.
Well, I would experience the joy in it, but I've never encountered someone who shares my values.
But you don't share your values.
Because you reward people who do the opposite of your values.
See, you have to have integrity if you want to have love.
So you can see your parents, in my view, I think it's going to cost you love, Because you say, well, I want to really love someone who shares my values.
Okay. Do your parents share your values?
No. Your father's a violent bully and your mother's a cold-eyed feminist who has worked as hard as she can to shroud you in the contempt of others and undermine and whatever, right?
So they do the opposite of your values, but you're still hanging out with them.
So I don't know how you're going to end up and say, well, I want someone who shares my values.
It's like, well, no, you've given up time, energy, and resources to people who are the exact opposite.
Not only are they the exact opposite of your values, but also they have inflicted those horrible values upon you to your great harm.
So if you want to have someone who has integrity, don't you have to live with integrity first?
So you're saying if I stop having a relationship with my parents, then...
I couldn't find someone who shares my values.
I wouldn't say it's as reductionistic as stop having a relationship with your parents, because you did that with your dad for a while and didn't solve it.
You have to come to closure with your parents, which means you sit down with them and you talk with them, hopefully with the support of a therapist, you talk with them about your history until you either have a breakthrough, and this is what I've said from the very beginning, you have to sit down, if you've got problems with your parents, you sit down with your parents and you are relentless in getting a connection, you are relentless in finding out whether they're capable of any kind of remorse or any kind of conscience or anything like that.
And if they continue to inflict abuse upon you by denying the abuse they inflicted on the past, then you have a choice.
It's all about choice. There's no compulsion in the realm of philosophy.
But I'll tell you this, as a man who's dealt with all of this kind of stuff, if I came across you in the dating pool, and I heard about your parents, and then I found out you were still hanging out with them, I'd be like, hmm.
So she doesn't really believe her values.
Because she's willing to reward people who have abused her for years.
Like, how is that having integrity at all?
Well, I don't hang out with them.
Yeah, don't start quibbling.
Don't start quibbling. That's not the time.
It's not the time to start quibbling with me.
I'm just telling you what I think. I'm making an argument.
You obviously are free to do anything that you want, but given that I do want you to experience love and connection, I'm just telling you that a virtuous man would look at this and say that you have virtues and values, but you're living the opposite of them in your relationship with your parents.
But if you met someone like me and I had no relationship with my parents, wouldn't you be equally skeptical?
God, now I incredibly admire you.
Really? If your parents are relentlessly abusive and they're making you unhappy and you can't fix it and you've tried, you've talked to therapists, you've talked to them, you've earned your way out of the relationship, I would be full of admiration for the integrity that you were living.
Full of admiration. Words could scarcely express it.
Okay. All right?
Just something to mull over. Well, I'm as far away from them as I can get under circumstances anyway.
Okay, so look, you're hedging with me now, which is perfectly fine and it's understandable because this goes against a lot of what you've heard and I'm certainly willing to hear counter arguments, but that's where I'm afraid I'm going to have to leave things at the moment and I do apologize for the sort of bungee out, but will you let me know what happens, what you decide?
Yeah, okay. All right.
Well, thank you very much for your call, Lucia.
I really, really do appreciate it, and I certainly wish you the very best, and I hope you understand.
I'm trying to work as hard as I can to give you everything that you want in life, and hopefully it will work out.
Okay. Thanks for talking to me.
Thank you so much. That ended a tiny bit abruptly, and I just wanted to put a slight addendum in.
There has been a smidge of confusion about this whole confronting your parents stuff, so I want to explain it.
People will still misunderstand it if they want to, but at least I want to be on the record for explaining sort of what I mean.
When it comes to your life, the big question is this.
Do you value telling the truth?
If you value telling the truth, then you should not have relationships in your life Where you have to lie, where you have to misrepresent, where you have to self-race, where you have to live in not just unreality, but anti-reality.
So if people have abused you, if they abused you as a child, if your parents abused you as a child, Then, if you continue to see them as if, not only did they not abuse you, but that they were good parents, then they're demanding, or you're in a situation where you have to not just lie, but act in the opposite way that you feel.
One thing to lie.
Let's say that I'm a vain guy.
I'm hammering something, and I hit my thumb.
Now, it's one thing if somebody says, didn't that hurt, and if I say no when it did, I'm lying.
But it's quite another thing to pretend that it was somehow orgasmic bliss to hit my Thumb with a hammer, right?
So, one is you're just lying, you're not telling the truth.
The other is you're telling the opposite of the truth.
Now, lying is bad, in general.
Telling the opposite of the truth, or living the opposite of the truth, is extraordinarily self-destructive.
But it's hard to see that level of self-destruction that occurs in that situation.
So when I talk to people, knowing how dangerous anti-reality is, unreality is, no, it didn't hurt when I hit my finger, hit my thumb with the hammer.
Anti-reality is, I loved it.
It was wonderful. It was so ticklish.
It was a thrill. It was fun.
Right? That's worse than lying.
I don't even know if there's a word for it.
Probably something in German that I can't pronounce.
But if you have these kinds of issues, With anyone, it doesn't matter, parents or siblings or a teacher or anyone, right?
Then you have a choice and your choice is this.
You can either sit down and tell the truth and make a request, you could say a demand really, that you not be forced to Do the opposite of what you know to be true.
You should not be forced to pretend to love someone when they have done you great harm, done you great evil.
You should not pretend that everything's fine and everything is not fine.
You should not be forced to do the opposite of what you know to be true.
Now, that's a requirement I have in relationships.
I will not be in relationships where there is an enforcement or an insistence that I fake the opposite of what I know to be true.
I won't do it because I know the cost of that.
And the cost of that is to elevate evil and bullying and anti-reality to the highest pinnacle of your value system.
And if you don't think that costs you love and integrity and self-respect and honesty and virtue, well, you're fooling yourself.
It does. It's one thing to tell a little white line, oh, I don't think you've gained five pounds.
You know, not a big moral issue.
But when you have to stand in front of evildoers and pretend to love them because They will attack you if you tell them the truth.
That has grave consequences.
I believe for your mental health, for your virtue, for your integrity, and your capacity to love, and for your self-respect.
If, as a free agent, as an adult, as a person with independence and sovereignty and free will, if you voluntarily If you subsidize the rancid delusions of evildoers, you cannot do that and maintain self-respect.
You can't do it. The price is, I hate to say self-love because that sounds a bit narcissistic and oily, but self-respect.
You can't respect yourself.
If you fake your entire experience in order to appease evildoers, you just can't.
And if you can't respect yourself, you can't find someone who's going to respect you.
You can't find love. It will erode your relationships.
It will undermine your sense of happiness.
You will end up with ennui and depression and perhaps even self-loathing if it's extreme enough and significant enough to your environment.
And, of course, you then have to live a duality.
Because the things that we can't admit to ourselves are the things that really undo us.
So if you are going to go and see someone who harmed you, and you say, okay, well, I have ex alteria motive.
It's going to be terrible, but I'm going to do it for X, Y, and Z reason or whatever.
They're dying. I want an inheritance.
I mean, it may not be great, but let's say that, okay, at least you're being honest with yourself.
I'm going to pretend to like them.
I really don't like them. I'm going to pretend that evil didn't happen in the past.
I'm going to pretend that only good happened in the past.
When I know that evil happened in the past, you can do all of that.
As long as you're honest with yourself.
But that's generally not what happens.
What happens is people are cowardly and appease evildoers and pretend it's some sort of virtue.
Oh, I've forgiven them. Oh, I've forgotten.
Oh, I've moved on. Oh, I've put the past in the past.
Oh, I'm bigger. I'm taking the higher.
They make a virtue out of falsifying reality in order to appease evildoers.
They make a virtue out of it. Now that's the problem.
Because then you come across someone you love or someone who might love you.
And they see this duality.
They see you appeasing evildoers, undoing your whole history, your whole reality, and then telling yourself you're doing something virtuous.
How could they end up with anything other than eventual contempt for you?
I mean, they can illuminate, they can point out the facts and so on.
So, as far as, do you see your parents or you don't?
Just be honest. Just be honest with people.
And if you choose to stay in a relationship, Where you have to lie, you have to misrepresent, you have to turn evil into good in this furious black alchemy of rejecting the past.
If you have to praise and kiss the hands that beat you or smashed you, you can either be honest about it, which I think makes it very hard to stomach, or you can lie about it to yourself and pretend that you're doing something good and noble and forgive-y and virtuous, but you're not.
You're just lying to others. You're lying to yourself.
And, what's worst of all, you're lying to yourself about lying to yourself.
