4217 One Night Last Stand - Call In Show - October 3rd, 2018
Question 1: [1:23] - "I've been thinking a lot about the qualities I need and desire in a lifelong mate, and I'm wondering if I'm holding my partners to an unrealistic or foolish standard. I recently broke up with a woman because I didn't find our conversations to be substantive enough to really sustain a relationship decades into the future. In short, I didn't think my needs for intellectual stimulation were being met within the romantic relationship. Since then, however, I've been wondering if I'm expecting too much from one person. I also want to make sure that I'm not evaluating female romantic partners with the same criteria I would a male friend. Is it possible to be in a healthy and lasting relationship in which one person's intellectual needs are met outside of the relationship: via work, friends, and solitary activities such as reading books? Or is compartmentalizing such a big part of my life a surefire way to end up resenting the other person and feeling stifled?"Question 2: [34:07] – “Do you think young people should be encouraged to have strong opinions on government and politics? Upon reflection the strong convictions I had one way or another haven't done me any favors. I don't think they are doing other young people any favors either. It's alienated me and others for no practical reason, it's pushed many of my former classmates to being unemployable, and the convictions are founded more upon indoctrination rather than real world experience or understanding.”Question 3: [45:34] – “I'm a 25-year-old woman in a committed relationship of 4 years. Since the beginning of the relationship, I have done practically a 180 in terms of my political views, and beliefs in general. I'm a college dropout, which I now consider to be a blessing since I'd probably be working the same job I am now, had I finished, and now have only $6,000 of debt left on my student loans. My boyfriend (hopefully future husband) is a teacher who is buried in debt from graduate school. He is the primary bread-winner, but I've recently discovered that he owes much more in student debt than I had previously thought. This realization has caused us both a great deal of stress in recent weeks. I work in HR and contribute much less than half, but still a fair chunk of our living expenses. You've said quite often that women are most happy in the home. I didn't think this way for most of my late teens and early twenties... But as I've come into my mid-twenties, I find myself being much more aware of my indoctrination in that regard. I've realized that I'd love to be a stay at home mother. I don't think it's quite too late for me, but it almost is. How can we manage a traditional life in this day and age, with two incomes being practically required? Do we have to be rich for me to be a stay at home mom? Is there any hope for me, for us, to do our small part to improve the world by giving our children a stable, healthy upbringing?”Question 4: [1:52:00] – “I'm a 22-year-old college student entering my final year of college who was raised by a family that personifies the term "Bible Belt". I recently began to date this girl whose sexual history consists only of one-night stands up until me. I knew about the one-night stands before we began dating but I proceeded to pursue her anyways. I have negative thoughts and emotions about these one-night stands constantly and there has been an incident where I was compared to one of the guys she slept with. Even after speaking to her about that, I still cannot seem to get it out of my head and we never arrived at any closure. How do I process and cope with these thoughts and emotions? Am I just subconsciously looking for a way to end the relationship because her history goes against my morals and values?”Your support is essential to Freedomain Radio, which is 100% funded by viewers like you. Please support the show by making a one time donation or signing up for a monthly recurring donation at: http://www.freedomainradio.com/donate
You know the old, be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.
So the first caller says, well, I chose a woman in part because she's pretty, but she doesn't really seem to have much depth, so I broke up with her.
How can I find a woman who has depth?
And do I need to get intellectual depth from my romantic relationship, or is that more the purview of my male friendships?
The second caller, that's kind of short, but sweet.
He wanted to know if we should encourage young people to have strong opinions about politics.
Hmm. Opinions.
Philosophy. Well, you'll see.
The third caller. Okay.
You know, we publish these on YouTube and people say, oh, it was made up.
You're being trolled. I had that suspicion with this fine young woman.
Is she trolling me? Is she trolling me?
I'm not even going to tell you why I thought that, but your jaw will drop during the course of this conversation.
Surprise! You're in hell.
And the fourth caller, hmm, yeah, his girlfriend insulted his penis size and compared it negatively to a guy she'd had a one-night stand with.
But you dig deep enough, well, that's probably not the right way to put it.
If you go to a core enough history, you can figure out why these things happen and...
It's a really great speech, I think, that I gave at the end about what you should be looking for in a romantic partner so you don't end up in the kind of hell that we hear about in the show from time to time.
So, I hope you enjoy the show.
Hope you will help support us at freedomainradio.com slash donate.
Alright, well up first today we have Andrew.
Andrew wrote in and said, In short, I didn't think my needs for intellectual stimulation were being met within the romantic relationship.
Since then, however, I've been wondering if I'm expecting too much from one person.
I also want to make sure that I'm not evaluating female romantic partners with the same criteria I would a male friend.
Is it possible to be in a healthy, lasting relationship in which one person's intellectual needs are met outside the relationship via work, friends, and solitary activities such as reading books?
Or is compartmentalizing such a big part of my life a surefire way to end up resenting the other person and feeling stifled?
That's from Andrew.
Hey Andrew, how you doing?
Hey, I'm doing well, Seth.
Thanks for taking the call. Hope you're doing well.
You're welcome. I am.
I am. So, how long did you go out with a woman for?
About six or seven months.
I guess we knew each other for nine months and we were dating for six months.
That's it. Okay, so you knew her for quite a while before you started dating, right?
Is that right? I did.
Yes. Well, I knew of her.
I didn't spend much of those three months with her.
We met on vacation on a long weekend.
And then we met each other on a few other sort of arranged vacations and then made things official and that's when I actually moved to her city and we started dating.
What is an arranged vacation?
As in, we said, let's meet somewhere.
Oh, okay, okay, got it.
It just sounds like an arranged marriage or something.
Okay, I understand. Not like an arranged marriage.
So you arranged to meet each other up, and what was it that attracted you to this woman?
We had a very good time together.
Our sense of humor got along very well.
She's very charming. I liked being around her.
She's very pretty.
Those, I think, were the first few qualities that made me want to be around her more.
So nothing of any depth?
Fun! Pretty!
Right? Yes, I agree with you.
So... I'm not sure what you...
So you dated a woman who was pretty and fun.
Turned out she didn't have my depth and you broke up with her.
I'm not sure I understand. I'm not sure I'm trying to figure out what the point of the question is.
I'm not trying to be rude. Like, I genuinely want to know how to help if I can, but...
Yeah, no, I understand.
Well, I mean, it's not that she had no depth.
Oh no, come on.
Please, don't false dichotomy, dude.
I didn't say she has no depth.
Come on. So you chose her for characteristics that had nothing to do with depth, and then you broke up with her because she didn't have as much depth as you wanted, right?
Sure. Wait, are you saying sure, like...
You agree or sure like I said something?
No, I'm actually, no, I'm agreeing with you.
Right. So, I guess, here's where my question is.
Sorry, go ahead, Andrew. Well, I was trying to say, I mean, my question, I'm happy to talk about this because it is relevant, but my question is more about Sort of the feelings that I had afterwards and looking back on the certainly mistakes I made, but also not wanting to go into future relationships with sort of too high of standards, I suppose.
No, I'm concerned that you have to a lower standard for yourself, not that you have too higher standard for women.
Because what you did...
Okay, how old was this woman you were dating?
28. 28.
Okay. So you just burned up, what, six months or so?
A little bit more, if you can.
Like, you burned up two-thirds or three-quarters of a year of this woman's life when she was not pretending to be deep, right?
She was not pretending to be something other than who she was, right?
No, she was not. Right.
So you kind of burned up...
You know, in her late 20s, it's particularly cruel.
It's one thing if she's 19, right?
But if she's in her late 20s, you burned up some significant portion of the time that she needs to spend finding a man.
Do you know if she wants to get married and have kids?
She does, yes.
Right. So you kind of burned up a bunch of her time.
That's kind of cruel, right?
I did. I feel bad about that.
Yes, I suppose I sort of had blinders on, in a sense, and was coming a little bit from a place of desperation.
I do think that when I consciously acknowledged that things were not going to work out, I did break up with her.
No, I understand that. Did you not know that you needed deeper and more intellectual conversations before you started dating?
Is that something that's new to you?
It is, and that's one of the reasons that I called in, is to talk about that and whether or not that is something that is necessary in a lifelong romantic relationship.
I've had a few conversations with people since I wrote the question to you, but that's not something that I'm sure is true or is necessary.
No, you're trying to draw right now, you're trying to draw my focus away from you to an abstract topic.
Because my concern... Okay, so how many girlfriends have you had?
Four. And what has the length of those relationships been?
The first one was, I guess, about a year and a quarter, a year and a half.
And then the next two were about six months each, and then this one also six months or nine months knowing each other.
Okay, and do you have any pattern as to why the relationships end?
I don't think so.
I mean, the second one ended basically because I was working a lot and she basically said that things weren't working for her and I didn't see things easing up at work and I wasn't really in a position to make them ease up at work so we sort of amicably parted.
The third one left because I was The third one ended because I was living in a foreign country and had to leave.
The first one was ten years ago.
That ended because of sort of family differences between the two of us.
We were quite young.
She still lived at home and had just a much different Culture, quite frankly, with her parents than I had with mine and it got to a point where I couldn't really take it.
Was there any of these relationships where the ending was guessable from the beginning?
Sure, yes.
The third one, for sure.
I think, well, I know that we both knew that I was going to leave the country, and it was a long shot that things would get serious enough in those six months that we would continue on after that.
Well, if she had loved you enough, then she would have found a way, right?
Like the other woman. If she had loved you enough, she would have put up with you working for a while, right?
That's a different one.
Yes, that is true.
So do you think that you choose women...
who can't love, or do you think you choose women who can love but don't love you enough?
Well, I don't think, I mean, I'm thinking about my last two girlfriends and I mean, I'm thinking about my last two girlfriends and the conversations that we've had together.
And I have to say, I don't think a lack of love on their part has been an issue.
I certainly have not felt love.
no, but if... You're working hard, and a woman says, I'm breaking up with you because you're working hard, it's because she doesn't love you enough to put up with the working hard thing.
Or if, let's say, you say, well, I'd like more intellectual...
Hang on. Let's say you say to some woman, I'd like more intellectual discussions, then I'm sure that she would say, okay, well, you know, who have you read, and what can I pick up on, and what can I read to stay with you, Andrew, this wonderful man, light of my heart, love of my life?
So why, if you want something from a woman that she's not providing, why doesn't she love you enough to provide it?
And this goes both ways.
I mean, I remember being interested in a woman, very interested in a woman many years ago.
She was moving to another city, and a friend of mine said, well, what are you going to do if she moves to another city?
I'm like, I'll move there. And he was like, whoa, that's weird!
He's like, no, that's not.
That's, well, I guess that was infatuation, but, you know, if my wife wants me to do something...
I'll do it. You know, if she suddenly has a yearning, burning desire to go live in Tokyo and learn Japanese, you know, and she just, that's what'll make her happy, well, we'll find some way to make it happen, right?
So there's something that's not happening with you where the woman is not saying, oh, like, did you share with your girlfriend that you just broke up with that you wanted more intellectual stimulation?
I didn't explicitly.
When we broke up, I mentioned that as a thing that I thought that we weren't compatible with long term.
You didn't tell her, hang on, you didn't tell her that you wanted, so there was something missing in the relationship, and rather than tell her and give her the opportunity to provide it, you just broke up with her.
Well, I mean, I would mention things You know, routinely, like, you know, would you like to go to, you know, such and such museum this weekend?
Or what do you think about this thing happening, you know, in the news and so on?
And I just didn't get, you know, any sort of response or reciprocation.
Yeah. To answer your question, I do regret not being more explicit with that.
I actually spoke about that with my parents when I had this discussion with them.
I said, I wonder if maybe I had breached this as a topic, maybe I would have gotten a favorable response.
They were sympathetic to that, but also thought that if she were ultimately looking for some sort of Intellectual stimulation, she would have been also sort of reaching out for it to me.
So while I do wish that I had been more upfront and explicit about that and tried harder for it, I'm not super beating myself up for it because I do think that I went more than halfway.
So you would say that you want to go to a museum and she would say that she doesn't want to go to a museum?
Yeah, yeah, no, I get it.
It's not just about one museum visit and so on.
So then my question is, why did she not want to go to a museum with you?
Well, I don't want to trample on her grave, so to speak, but I just don't think that she was really that interested in the world.
Well, no, but this is what I'm trying to get across, Andrew, in a relationship.
She should want to go to the museum not because she wants to go to the museum.
She should want to go to the museum because you want to go to the museum and she wants to get to know you better.
Do you see what I mean? Why is it that you expressed a preference and she showed no interest in it and you say, well, she wasn't that interested in museums?
Well, but you're interested in museums, and therefore she should be interested, if not in museums, in your interest in museums.
Do you see what I mean?
So she doesn't care about you enough to say, I want to get to know Andrew and his interest in museums.
I've never been a big fan of museums, she might say, but Andrew really likes them.
So let's go to a museum so I can figure out what Andrew is getting out of these museums that I've been missing, because I care about Andrew.
This is what I mean when I say, is there something that's happening?
That the woman does not have enough love for you to work hard to provide to you what you want because she loves you.
Because if you have that...
Everything else can work.
Because you're saying, well, what if I find some woman who's just really into intellectual discussions, or hang gliding, or snake charming, or travel?
None of that, like, trying to find this pre-configuration stuff doesn't work.
Because there'll always be some fit and some miss.
What you want to do, Andrew, is you want to find a woman who says to you, wow, you're into catching lizards with your bare hand?
Okay. Teach me why it's cool.
Teach me what's fun about it.
Because I don't care about the lizards, but I care that you care about the lizards.
Now, if you have that kind of woman, and you're willing to be that kind of man to her, man, you got it made.
Because right now, you're trying to find a jigsaw puzzle that fits, or jigsaw piece that fits everything that you need.
Not going to happen, because life changes.
Life changes, right? So what works now may not work down the road, but what you need to look for to provide and to look for is to say, I'm interested in museums.
And then the woman says, well, let's go.
I've never got the museum thing, but if you care about them, I want to learn more about you, Andrew, and your relationship to museums because I love you.
Now, do you provide any of that to her?
In other words, did she have things that she wants to do that she communicated to you that you didn't show a lot of interest in or pursue?
To be honest, no.
I mean, there were not a lot of activities or interests that she had that were available.
To do what you're talking about.
I mean, we used to go out with friends together, but that was mutual.
I mean, we both wanted to do that.
And we would meet up for dinner and hang out and watch TV, but I didn't get anything from her that was like, oh, that's sort of quirky and interesting.
Let me try to learn more about that.
Did she have any hobbies? No.
Huh. Did she play any sports?
Uh, no. Did she have a favorite author?
Sorry, you broke up. Did you say author?
Yeah. No, certainly not.
So how pretty was she, man?
You're kidding me? How pretty was she?
She's, I mean, she's beautiful.
She was beautiful.
Yeah. Yeah.
So you took what you want and you paid for it, right?
Which was you went for a woman who doesn't seem to have any particularly discernible personality, you know, like shopping and going out for dinner and watching TV. They're not hobbies, right?
So they're not individuated in any kind of way.
So the problem is not that she didn't do something that you needed.
The problem is that your standards need to be raised for yourself.
Which is, don't date women just because they're pretty.
That's like a woman dating you just because you're rich.
Well, he's boring as hell, but he does take me out to nice restaurants.
Right? I mean, I don't like him at all, but he buys me stuff.
You know, we look at a woman like that and we say, she's a gold digger.
She's a gold digger, right?
We would say about that. She doesn't like the guy, but she likes the money.
And the equivalent is the pussy digger, right?
You got the gold digger, the woman who just wants a man for his resources, and you got the pussy digger who just wants a woman because she's sexy or pretty or whatever, right?
So the way it looks to me, I'll just be frank, obviously.
So the way it looks to me is if a woman called up and said, well...
I dated this guy who was really boring just for his money, just because he bought me stuff and spent money on me and took me out places, took me on helicopter rides and we went to fancy restaurants and he bought expensive wines, but he was really boring.
So, what happened?
Am I expecting too much from him?
It's like, no, you're choosing him for his money.
You don't like him in particular, but you chose him for his money.
Now, if you choose someone you like, then you're not a gold digger anymore, right?
Because it seems to me like you think that she wasn't up to scratch, like she just didn't meet your lofty goals.
And I'm saying, well, if you're a pussy digger, You've got to up your game so that you're not wasting people's time and breaking their heart and expecting things that aren't going to come along, right?
Like if a woman says, well, I just dated a guy for his money, but he wasn't up to my lofty standards of whatever, right?
I'd be like, well, the problem is you're dating him for his money and then complaining about him not being up to scratch.
It's like, you're not up to scratch because you're dating him for his money, right?
So I'm just trying to empower you as much as possible.
By saying, don't date women for their looks alone.
I'm not saying looks are completely unimportant.
I'm not trying to set up some false dichotomy or whatever.
You want a woman who's well-groomed and healthy and exercises and all that kind of stuff.
But if she's boring you, well, you know the old saying, doesn't matter how beautiful the woman is, someone somewhere is tired of having sex with her, right?
Yeah, well, that's not how the saying goes, but yeah, I get it.
It's a little coarser in the original, but yeah.
I believe so, yeah.
So forget, Liz, intellectual needs...
Okay, so hang on, let me just give you a little spiel on this, and then I'll get your thoughts.
So as far as intellectual needs go, it depends how long you're dating and how long you're married for.
So if you're going to date for a couple of years, get married, Be married for a couple of years and then have kids.
Then you need that intellectual stimulation.
But if you're in your 30s and you're going to get married and have kids fairly quickly, then you're going to have a whole lot of time, my friend, dealing with the issues of raising children.
And some of that's intellectual, but a lot of it isn't.
There's a lot of just...
Chores to do, and there's a lot of cleaning to do, and there's a lot of shopping for little clothing, and there's taxes, and there's laundry that seems to basically run like the boiler room of the Titanic for the first half of the voyage, just chugga-chugga-chugga, constantly going, constantly going.
Why bother even turning it off?
So there's just a lot of maintenance that goes on, and when kids are young, intellectual stimulation is...
A little hard to come by.
Because if you have a little bit of time, you just want to have sex.
But anyway, so it is important, but what's important is not, do I find a woman who meets all of my needs in this way?
But can I find a woman who wants to meet my needs and I want to meet her needs?
Now, if you have that, you've got a great place to build from.
If you don't, even if you're compatible now, like let's say she's a woman who's not particularly nice, but she's great at having intellectual discussions.
Well, you know what's going to happen.
So dating and marriage is going to be interesting and there'll be intellectual discussions.
And then what happens is you have babies.
And then the intellectual discussions go by the wayside because you're busy raising your children for the first couple of years.
And you're like, wow, I really didn't notice that she wasn't particularly nice while we were having all these stimulating intellectual discussions.
And now we're not, right?
So find a woman who's as nice as humanly possible, cares about you, wants to serve and meet your needs in the same way that you want to serve and meet her needs.
That's going to be great. And...
You also, it's unlikely, depending on how smart you are and how abstract you are, the smarter you are and the more abstract you are, the less likely you are to find a woman who's going to be at your intellectual level.
Like we know this from the IQ studies, right?
That women at the higher reaches of IQ, men start to outnumber women like 8 to 1, 12 to 1, and then at the very highest level, there's no women really to speak of.
Yeah. If you're very smart and you want a woman to meet your intellectual needs, you are really looking for what is increasingly a unicorn.
And what you want to do is find a nice, solid, sensible woman who's good at conversation, who cares about you, who's willing to support the intellectual work that you're able to achieve.
And it's a wonderful relationship.
He said, talking just about a friend of his.
But yeah, it's a wonderful relationship.
But I would not expect a woman to be able to do everything that you can do, just in the same way that you can't do everything that a woman can do.
I mean, you have male friends for the deepest intellectual stuff that may be going on at the highest levels of abstraction.
And a woman who cares about you enough to follow what it is that you're doing, give you useful feedback.
But I think looking for Ayn Rand, it's going to be tricky.
I mean, Ayn Rand was a pretty bad wife, and the lovely Hank Coulter not married at all.
Very bad wife. Well, I don't know if you...
There's no particular interest in it, but, you know, I think Frank Coulter is like, wait, what do you mean I have to get up early?
Baby's crying? Sorry, mama don't rise till noon.
Does that help? Yeah, it sounds...
Yes, it does. It sounds like you're sort of coming back to what my question was, which is not selecting for a best male friend.
One of the things that I was going to bring up was IQ, and then there's, you know, you talked about how women are generally farther on the left than men are, fairly right wing.
Oh, I thought you meant on the bell curve.
In politics. And, you know, not as interested in politics on.
So I don't want to select for those three things if it's just a reality that we're not going to be, I guess, I don't want to say equals, but not at the same exact point in those, you know, different interests.
And then my question is, I guess, okay, if there's a lack of interest In something that I like to do, but it's attributable to one of these sort of basic differences between men and women, is that less, you know, of a problem than another problem.
For example, let's say that I had said to this ex-girlfriend, like, I really want to go ice skating on Sunday afternoon.
Okay? Even if she didn't want to, we would go ice skating and it would be like a grand old time.
So if the issue with, you know, not wanting to go to a museum specifically has to do with me being super far right on the bell curve and her not so much because that's just the fact of men and women, I don't want to punish her so much for that.
Yeah, I don't want to overly punish her for that.
In the same sense that if I was like, hey, would you like to sit down for four hours on Sunday and do some computer coding?
Because, you know, that's really interesting to me.
If she was like, ah, no, I wouldn't take that as a sign that she didn't love me.
Okay. So, a couple of things about what you said, and it always amazes me that I give people speeches and it's like they haven't heard a thing.
Okay, so the first thing that I'll mention is you need to be vulnerable enough, Andrew, to say it's really, really important for me that we go to museums.
And explain to her why.
Right? Because you've got to give people clear expectations of what you want in a relationship.
Like you said, I'd like to go to a museum, and a couple of times she said no, and it happened with a couple of other things, and then you're like, that's it, it's over.
Like, dude, that's cruel.
Because she needs to know, you need to say, listen, listen, hang on, Andrew, Andrew, let me just make my thing here, because it's a bit of a delay, and talking over is kind of annoying.
So, So you have to say, it's really, really important to me.
I need to have this kind of intellectual stimulation.
So that's what I want in a relationship.
Now, of course, you should say that before you go out, right?
Before you even start dating.
You should evaluate the woman, her conversation, what she's interested in and say, okay, listen, we could date.
I mean, you're pretty and you're nice and you're smart and all that.
My concern is this, the intellectual stimulation, like I like to go to museums, I like to go to art galleries, I like to go see experimental theater where they use black and decker tools on furry animals or whatever, I don't know, whatever it is that floats your boat, right?
It's important for me, right?
That's what I need in a relationship.
It's not what I want. It's what I need. That's what a relationship...
That's how it has to work for me.
Now, that's fair because then, you know, you don't waste your time.
But you didn't do that. You weren't honest about your needs.
And she can't read your mind.
Now, she just... You broke up with her.
She probably doesn't... She probably still doesn't even know why.
You probably gave her some spiel about vague incompatibilities and crap.
It's not you. It's me. Whatever, right?
But you didn't say, well, the four times you said you didn't want to go to the museum, that was it for me because...
I need intellectual stimulation and blah, blah, blah, right?
It's sort of like having a job, right?
You have a job and you don't know what the standards are.
You don't know what you're supposed to be doing.
And the boss says, you know, well, it might be kind of nice if something, something, something, right?
The next thing you know, you're fired!
Why? Because you didn't pick up on the magic mental map clues dropped down by your boss.
So you've got to give women a chance.
Give them a chance. Which means tell a woman what you want and what you need.
And if she cares about you, if she loves you, she will work to try to provide it.
And if she doesn't care about you, then get out.
But do it at the beginning.
Do it at the beginning, for sure.
Now, listen, and you're going to have different interests, right?
Like, I like me a good...
First-person shooter.
And I'm talking, like, mouse and keyboard.
I love me a good first-person shooter.
Now, don't give me any of this Mass Effect complicated crap.
I don't even want to have vending machines like in Bioshock.
Like, I just... I want a weapon, I want an enemy, and I want to go totally zen in carving up the pixels for 15-20 minutes at a time.
Like... Serious Sam, Doom 2016.
I like the dumber, the better.
I like a first-person shooter.
The more retarded it is, the better.
I don't like a lot of gore.
I don't want jump cuts.
I don't want horror movies.
I just want rockets and bad guys.
I mean, it's fun for me, and it takes me right out of my overcharged brain.
So my wife does not like first-person shooters, no particular interest in them.
So yeah, a couple of times a week, I'll spend 15 minutes on a first-person shooter.
And it's great.
We can all have different preferences and different, you know, she's got things that she likes to do that's not fun for me.
So that's totally fine.
But you see, it's not important to me that she likes first-person shooters.
It's not important to me at all.
I mean, it'd be great if she did.
We could play together and whatever, right?
But, you know, the fact that she doesn't, it's not that important to me.
But the fact that this woman didn't like museums...
Well, that was important to you.
And so you got to be vulnerable enough and give her the honest information that says, listen, I'm really not enjoying this relationship because we have this big gap.
I like doing all these intellectual things and you don't.
It's a problem. Now, if you are just not at all interested in them point blank and you don't even care that I care about them, okay, well, we got to move on.
But... If you did want to learn something about why I like this kind of stuff, that'd be great.
And you say, oh, well, that's an ultimatum.
It's like, well, it's honest.
And an ultimatum is not an ultimatum if it's honest, right?
If it's like, no, this is what I need, then it's honest.
Now, of course, if by the time you threaten breakups, though, it's usually done anyway.
But you got to be honest from the very beginning.
The first time she says no to something intellectual, you need to say, oh, that both hurts and alarms me.
And you've got to have that conversation.
That's the only way relationships can be maintained, right?
Otherwise, the center cannot hold.
Things fall apart. It's inevitable, right?
Okay, so I hope that helps.
I'm going to move on to the next caller, but I do appreciate the call in, and I certainly wish you the best of luck next round.
But yeah, don't waste a woman's time, particularly when you get into your 30s.
She's got a lot louder tick-tock than you do.
But thanks, Andrew. I appreciate the call.
Alright, up next we have Daniel.
Daniel wrote in and said, Hey Daniel,
how you doing? Good.
I don't understand the question too well.
Encouraged to have strong opinions on government and politics?
I don't think anyone should be encouraged to have strong opinions.
I think people should be taught how to think, and it should be expected and required of them how to think, but I don't know what it means to encourage people to have blind, stupid thoughts about things they don't really understand, but are absolutely certain of.
I know I'm paraphrasing a little, but I don't know what it means to have strong opinions from a philosophical standpoint.
Yeah, and, you know, on reflection, the last hour waiting on the call, I think I kind of started walking down that trail myself on, does young people necessarily have, you know, a spot in there?
And then the question starts to break down.
Well, you see, young people don't have any skin in the game, and they are white-hot, molten blobs of...
Jupiter-style gravity compression algorithms of mass indoctrination, right?
They've just gone through the brain-squeezing cheese shredder on the frontal lobes indoctrination in government schools, and then often they're going through all of this garbage in universities, and they've never really paid any taxes, and it's all been of material benefit but spiritual demise.
So, you know, there's a reason why the Democrats wanted to lower the voting age from 21 to 18, and there's a reason why.
There was someone on Twitter saying, oh, let's lower the voting age to 16.
It's like, nah, forget that.
Let's lower the voting age to six.
Let's lower six months, right?
I mean, you're not paying anything and you're receiving all of this stuff and there's no particular economic reality for young people and boomers.
But yeah, I mean, I don't think anybody should be encouraged to have strong opinions, just teach people how to think.
Yeah, I think that's kind of where I'm at there.
And I guess if there was any maybe question one way or the other, I think we certainly agree that filling them with bad ideas is bad.
But, you know, if you go, say, the other direction and say, hey, you know, freedom, free markets, this is the indoctrination.
Great idea.
I mean, do you think, you know, at all being excited or enthusiastic about that with young people is Being enthusiastic about the free market, is it a good thing?
Again, I don't really understand the question.
Teaching people how to think is a good thing.
I don't know about, I like free market.
I don't think that helps very much.
Yeah, I think that kind of answers my question.
Teaching them how to think is the key, but that the The specific, you know, political stances and any...
Once you go beyond, you know, let's figure it out, you know, together, this is how you figure it out, and into this is what you should think is maybe the line.
Yeah, so for instance, when I was in Australia, I did what I called Streeters, which is kind of guerrilla journalism.
You just go with a microphone and a camera and talk to people on the street.
And I published... The video called, Does Australia Have White Privilege?
Stefan Molyneux interviews Australians!
And there were a lot of people who didn't seem to have any problem at all having strong opinions on government and politics that were almost universally idiotic and self-contradictory and indoctrinated and so on.
I have a lot of sympathy.
People say, oh, well, how do you have your patience?
It's like... I have a lot of sympathy.
If somebody didn't grow up learning English and then you start trying to teach them English, it's going to take a while, right?
And you're going to have to be patient because they haven't learned it.
And people are not only not taught how to think, they're actually punished.
They're actively punished for thinking these days.
So these are like people who've been...
Like slaves who've had their...
They've been hobbled, right? Like you cut through the Achilles tendon of the slave so he can't run and so on.
It's like, well, that's terrible.
You know, in this case, hopefully that some damage repair can be affected, but young people are...
Well, they've gone through a real furnace of brain disintegration and...
I have a lot of sympathy for that.
So, no, I don't want to encourage them to have strong opinions on anything.
I don't want to encourage anyone to have strong opinions on anything.
Just learn how to think, please.
Please. Because if you don't, we're not going to make it.
Well, that certainly puts you in agreement with pretty much every mentor I've had, you know, the last decade.
And certainly tried to resist it for a while, and certainly in retrospect, I mean, in my mid-twenties and a few years back, I feel like I was seeing red, and maybe I still am.
But, you know, I used to think it was really important to try and talk about those things, but I feel like everyone gets along better if we just focus on what we're doing.
Yeah, so when I meet people...
When I meet people, Daniel, I generally assume there's nobody there.
Like there's a flash robot rolling around, but there's not actually a person in there.
They're not individuated.
They're not authentic.
They're not original. They are programmed.
They have no particular free will.
They can't reason.
They can't process information.
They can't Change their minds based on reason and evidence.
They don't really know what evidence is.
They are just cliches.
It's like, you know, when you walk up and you haven't done this thing, this is kind of an old school thing, but you have somebody's birthday coming up or someone's anniversary coming up, and you go up and down various stores, and they've got those long aisles, and you flip open the greeting cards.
And inside the greeting cards, there's a little poem.
There's like... Now, you wouldn't argue with that.
You wouldn't mark it. It's just a little card, and inside the card is a slogan.
And that's what it's like meeting people, particularly young people as a whole.
There are exceptions. They don't have any thoughts of their own.
They've been heavily punished for even remotely having thoughts of their own.
They're indoctrinated. They're guided along.
They're programmed. They're not free.
They're not thoughtful.
They're not curious because they have the arrogance of youth and the arrogance of indoctrination where you think you have the answers when you don't.
You have answers. You have pretend answers that are useful to those in power.
So for me, When I meet people, I just assume, as a default position, there's no one there.
You know, I go do these streeters.
I'm happy to chat with people. But for the most part, like if I'm at a conference where people like my show and all of that, then great.
You know, I assume that there's someone there because they like the show and it's wonderful to meet them and that's great.
But in general, We are surrounded by robots.
We are surrounded by people who can't think, won't think, but think that they can think and attack and get alienated and weird.
And I say this because you said, well, it's alienated me and others for no particular reason, for no practical reason, you say.
It's pushed many of my former classmates to being unemployable.
Well... If you can only love people and you're surrounded by robots, wouldn't you like to know the difference between robots and people so you don't accidentally end up falling in love with a robot and being locked into some squishy battery compartment with Keanu Reeves, right? I mean, you want to differentiate between the people and the machines.
Between those who have thoughts, identity, personality, curiosity, those who exist as something other than idiot tools for people in power, you want to...
So people say, well, you know, I started to think for myself and I lost all these relationships.
No, you didn't. Because you can't have relationships with robots.
You can't have relationships with people who don't think.
You can't have relationships with people who don't ask questions.
And you certainly can't have relationships with people who don't know themselves.
Because what happens is people get programmed with all of this garbage.
Generally, it's leftist garbage, but can it happen on the right as well?
They get full of all this garbage, and they think they have an identity, and they don't.
All they have is a series of tired slogans, and all they are is programmed to respond in particular emotional ways to particular verbal cues.
Just straight up programming. Race and IQ, racist!
You understand? Critique of multiculturalism, xenophobe!
Right? Critique of immigration.
Nazi! Like anything.
Anything that, like, they're not, they're just machines.
They're just machines, and usually they're attack machines.
And it's very boring, and it's very tragic.
It's very sad. It's very sad.
It's how much human potential is buried under useless slogans and emotional programming.
So, I don't have relationships with people who don't exist.
Good. Good.
That's called efficiency. Find your way, fight your way through to where the people are, to where the thinkers are, to where those who actually exist are.
And you say, well, what about all these other people?
Well, just saved you a whole lot of time and heartache now, didn't we?
Yeah, and that really does answer my question.
That is really helpful.
And I guess my follow-up is, you know, given The fact that certainly now the voting capabilities of young people are being weaponized because they are being robots programmed one way or the other to just submit a ballot in a more perfect society.
Do you think young people should even be allowed to be involved in that decision making process beyond just being people who talk to each other and maybe talk with Older folks as well.
Well, I'm sure you know, Daniel, there should be no involvement in politics from anyone because politics is in a moral swamp of exploitation and brutality.
You're asking me, well, how do we morally get people engaged in being slave owners?
It's like, no, you're not. No, I mean, young people shouldn't have any involvement in politics, middle-aged people and old people, and no one should have any involvement in politics because politics is violence.
Politics is the initiation of the use of force.
Okay, yeah. I'm with you.
That makes a lot of sense.
Good. All right.
Well, thanks so much for the call. I appreciate it.
And remember, be alert for robots.
They are friendly, but they will rip your spine out over time.
All right. Let's move on to the next caller.
Thanks, Dan. Alright, up next we have Austin.
Austin wrote in and said, I'm a 25-year-old woman in a committed relationship of four years.
Since the beginning of the relationship, I have practically done a 180 in terms of my political views and beliefs in general.
I'm a college dropout, which I now consider to be a blessing since I'd probably be working the same job I am now had I finished and now only $6,000 in debt left to my student loans.
My boyfriend, hopefully future husband, is a teacher who is buried in debt from graduate school.
He is the primary breadwinner, but I've recently discovered that he owes much more in student debt than I previously thought.
This realization has caused us both a great deal of stress in recent weeks.
I work in human resources and contribute much less than half, but still a fair amount of our living expenses.
You said quite often that women are most happy in the home.
I didn't think this way for most of my late teens and early 20s, but as I've come into my mid-20s, I find myself being much more aware of my indoctrination in that regard.
I've realized that I'd love to be a stay-at-home mother.
I don't think that it's quite too late for me, but it almost is.
How can we manage a traditional life in this day and age with two incomes being practically required?
Do we have to be rich for me to be a stay-at-home mom?
Is there any hope for me, for us, to do our small part to improve the world by giving our children a stable, healthy upbringing?
Well, that's quite the question dump there, my dear friend.
Yeah, I realized after the first two callers had their questions read that I kind of wrote a pretty long question.
How many roads does a man walk down before you call him a man?
Where does the wind come from?
All right. Okay. All right.
All right. So what did you think he owed and how much does he owe?
I thought you'd probably go straight to that part.
Well, let's deal with the most empirical parts first.
Yeah. So about, I would say, looking back, time is hard to...
Maybe one to two years into our relationship, we had a conversation about it and he had told me that he owed about 80 grand.
So you date this guy for one to two years before you find out he's a couple of cars in debt.
Yeah, well, I knew that he had his bachelor's degree and was working on his master's, and I had student loan debt at that time as well, more than my current $6,000.
At that time, I wasn't really thinking too much about the...
I'll completely admit it, I wasn't thinking about financial aspects of my future, and if I wanted to be a parent at that time, I thought that I didn't want kids.
Austin? How cute is he?
He's very handsome.
There you go. Do you know how handsome he is?
$80,000 worth of handsome.
Well, actually...
Oh, that is $80,000, but you sure are pretty.
Well, I... And I guess I was also thinking that I guess this day and age, it's kind of hard to find someone that doesn't at least have some student loan debt.
Yeah, so since everyone has student loan debt, might as well go with the pretty boy.
All right. So what have you now found out about his student debt?
Well, in the last few weeks, I have been thinking about that we should maybe consolidate our finances a little bit and maybe try to save some money on paying things to you.
Well, hang on, hang on, hang on.
We got you a fade now on Skype here.
Can you just say that last bit?
You're consolidating your finances and what?
Mm-hmm. Just kind of putting our expenses together to try to save.
And I'm kind of frifty.
And so I thought that if I managed our money, we could save more.
And I found out that he actually owes a little over $200,000 in student loan debt.
What the fuck? Yeah.
And I don't know if he didn't know.
I think he probably didn't realize it, which I don't really understand how, but I don't think he was lying when he told me that he owed 80.
Wait, so he's gone up 120 in the couple of years you've been going out.
You said it was one to two years you found out about the 80, so after the last two to three years, he's more than doubled.
His dad. And did he not tell you?
I don't...
It's hard.
I don't know if he...
He was paying some loans.
He has a few different ones.
And I think that what was happening was that, and there's no excuse for this, that he didn't realize that he wasn't paying once.
Uh-huh. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that his degrees are not either in math or accounting.
No, they're in English.
Oh, English degrees?
Yes. What the fuck is he going to do with an English master's?
Oh, well, I guess his bachelor's is in English, and then he went back so he could be a teacher.
Oh, so he could be a teacher, so he could teach kids all about responsibility and...
Math and honesty and virtue.
Yeah. I know it probably sounds bad from an outside perspective.
Oh, no. It's bad.
It's not just like sounds bad.
Like, you know, when a shiv goes into your side and makes that squishy sound, you don't say, well, that sounds bad.
It's like, no, no, that is bad.
It sounds bad because it is bad.
Yeah, it's bad.
I was pretty upset when I found out about that.
Now, why aren't you married?
Well, he hasn't asked me to marry him yet.
Why haven't you asked him?
Have you told him, do you want to get married to him?
Yeah, and he knows.
We went together to get my finger-sized, so I think that that's probably a good sign for him to pick up on.
Do you think so? You know, I find out that my lover has more than doubled the debt they told me.
They'd see a finger too.
Just be a slightly different one.
All right. And when did you tell him, Austin, that you want to get married?
It's probably over the last year or so.
I've started mentioning it more.
And he has said that he wants to marry me as well.
He hasn't proposed and we haven't thought.
He hasn't proposed and what?
And we haven't gotten married and we haven't done that yet.
We've just talked about it.
Right. Right.
So you owe 6k, right?
Correct. Quite a bit less.
Yeah. How much further does he have to go to become a certified teacher or to become a teacher who can earn an income?
Oh, he's teaching now.
Oh, he has a job. Oh, yeah.
Sorry, sorry. You mentioned that. Okay, okay.
So, what are his monthly payments?
We were working on the one that, the biggest one, the one that he supposedly forgot about and wasn't paying, which is about 130 grand.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I just asked you the question.
He forgot that he owed $130,000.
That's his story, really?
I think he has, I think, maybe four or five separate loans, and he just maybe just dropped the ball, I guess.
I know, it's crazy. I could never imagine doing that.
Never. But I think that's just what is happening.
But we managed to make it so that he can pay it.
Do you believe him? Kind of, yeah.
I believe that he could have forgotten about that or not paid much attention to it.
Okay, so what's his monthly payout in terms of loans?
For that bill, I think he's paying $275, and then he has a few more.
I guess I would estimate that the total is probably about $500 a month.
Oh, man. The audio, is it just me?
The audio is just terrible tonight.
It's not just you, Steph.
Oh, good. Yeah, because, I mean, I'm sitting here.
This is like trying to unparcel the Rosetta Stone in real time.
Just, yeah, sorry, Justin.
Just try and stay as close to the mic.
It's kind of fading in and out.
Does nobody have a phone?
It's an iPhone on Skype.
It's really got a nice mic.
Anyway. All right.
So, you're saying that he's paying 500 bucks a month?
Yeah, I'd say about that.
That seems low, for $200,000.
I'm not 100% sure about the other loans, because once we found that he was not paying that one, that's what kind of exploded everything, and we were trying to focus on getting that one loan, because that loan has just destroyed his credit, and his other loans were up to date, so I wasn't, at the time, too focused on it.
So his credit has been toasted?
Oh yeah, it's very bad.
Right. So don't they send you letters and stuff when you don't pay?
I imagine he was probably getting emails.
We haven't gotten any paper mail.
Huh. But maybe it was being sent to Zoltrack?
Oh, so he owed $130,000, but did not keep the people up to date on how to contact him?
Possibly, yes.
Alright, so I found a little loan calculator here online, right?
I'm putting in $200,000.
And, yeah, that's what I thought.
You said $500 a month, right?
Yeah, that's my guess.
So if you've got $200,000 at 4.45% over 10 years, you're paying $2,067 a month.
You said $2,000?
Yeah. So that's four times what you are estimating.
Now, let's say the interest rate you can get, I don't know, maybe you can get three.
I'm just going to put in here 3.5% over 10 years.
What do we got here? Yeah, see that?
Oh yeah, well, so if you got 200,000 at 3.5% over 10 years, it doesn't really change it.
Now you're paying 1,977.
Yeah, there's...
That's your mortgage payment and a half, right?
Yeah, that's about how much he makes a month.
Oh, now, is that gross or net?
Is that his take-home? Yeah, I'd say his take-home is a little over two grand a month, I'd say.
Maybe 2,500. Yeah, so if you want to be a stay-at-home mom, you have to ditch him.
I mean, just financially.
I mean, all he can do is pay his...
Bare student loan.
So he got in debt to $200,000 and he's going to spend 10 years more just to break even.
Yes. Is he, I don't know, like you say he's got a master's in all of that.
What's wrong with him?
Well, like there's no way.
People don't say, oh, I'm sorry to interrupt.
But people are like, I worked when I was younger.
I worked for a collection agency.
Not for very long because it's kind of soul draining work.
But people weren't like, oh, well, he owes us $130,000.
But it looks like the emails aren't going through.
So we're just going to give up. Something's not right in this whole story.
You owe $130,000.
They'll find you. And they'll phone you, and they'll come by, and they'll mail you, and they'll...
Like, that's a lot of money people don't like when you don't pay them back.
Yes, I know.
And I'm not totally sure.
We haven't had a too-in-depth conversation about how this happened, but I do know that in this late 20s, it was...
Sorry, I can't hear you again.
You're going to have to say that again. Dang it!
Sorry, I moved. Can you hear me a little bit better now?
Yeah, that's fine. Okay.
So, he was having, he was in a mental hospital and he was having some mental issues in his late 20s, and I think that might have something to do with the fact that he wasn't paying some of his loans.
Wait, what? Wait, what? What?
Yeah. He was in a mental hospital in his late 20s, and that's why he lost track of these loans?
I think that might have started the snowball effect, but he...
Okay.
Are you trolling me?
No! Austin, come on.
Come on. He's...
Well, I want to say some redeeming things about him, because it sounds like he's an awful guy.
But he comes from a bit of a dysfunctional family, and before I met him, he was...
Quite dysfunctional himself, he tells me.
But he, I guess he recognized this and signed himself up for therapy and was in therapy for years.
And because he didn't want to be that way.
And when I met him, he was getting towards the end of his therapy.
His therapist was about to tell him that she thought that he could handle life on his own without being perfect.
So he's doing great now, and he really wants to bring up his credit, and he wants to fix things.
And I know that it's a huge sum of money, but I don't know.
What's going on with your standards, Austin?
Come on. The guy's horribly in debt.
He's either lying to you, or he's so chaotic you can't have a child with him.
I forgot I owed $130,000.
I forgot there was a baby in the car when I parked it in the heat.
I'm not kidding. Don't even get me started on the fact that somebody this ridiculously irresponsible who was in a mental institution is a teacher.
Oh, well, I think he was just in there once for a couple days.
Is this really the road you want to go down with our precious time together to say, well, he wasn't in the nuthouse for too long?
Well, I guess because it was part of my question, I guess we could maybe talk about another part of the question, but I don't know.
Yeah, let's not. You know, when you're at your point where you're saying why my boyfriend was in a mental hospital, but it wasn't for too long?
Yeah. That's not where you want to be in a relationship, right?
Now, does he know you want to be a stay-at-home mom?
Yes, he does. So, why do you think he only owes $500 a month?
Because he has to be paying more than that.
Like, didn't you consolidate the finances and you went over all of this?
So, when you find out this kind of stuff, you have to get every single fact Completely top to bottom, back to front.
Yeah. Right? So you don't have the facts.
Like he might still not be paying some of these loans.
He might be underpaying. I don't know, right?
Because you're telling me he's owing 500 bucks a month and it took me about 30 seconds to realize that can't even remotely be possible.
Yeah, well, it was kind of...
I had a list of all the things I wanted to do to get our finances together and things like that.
And then once we checked his...
One of the things that we were doing in the beginnings of the list was to look at his credit score and see...
Wait, wait, are you moving again?
No, no, I'm sorry.
Can you hear me now? Is that better?
Yeah. Okay.
But, um... Once we found out that big sum, we realized that financial...
No, can't hear you.
Try it again. Dang it.
Once we found out about that huge sum of money, my plan kind of stopped.
My list of all the things I wrote.
Wait, so you wanted to consolidate your finances, but once you found out he was much more in debt than you thought, you gave up trying to consolidate your finances?
No, I didn't quite give up.
It was actually last week, so I haven't done anything.
But he's got...
Doesn't he have statements of, here's what you owe every month, or doesn't he have a bank account you can look at, here's what he's paying every month?
Did he tell you it's only 500 bucks a month?
No, that's just my guess.
But why are you guessing?
Why hasn't he said, here's what I'm paying every month?
More importantly, why haven't you asked?
Well, we each printed out our July bank statements, and I have them sitting here in the living room.
But just after...
After we found that out...
Can't hear you.
After we found that out, I have his bank statements in July, but I've been taking a hiatus, I guess.
Okay, go grab the bank statements, and let's go find out what the student loan is.
I can wait.
Okay.
In the meantime, everyone...
Don't ever do this.
Don't ever do this.
Somebody says, oh, by the way, I'm two and a half times more in debt than I mentioned, or two and a half times, right?
Well, that's a deal breaker.
Somebody lies to you about that kind of finance.
I say, oh, well, no, I didn't lie.
I just got confused. I'm just like, well, you can't have a family with that person because they're too confused to Just have a credit check before you start dating these days.
It's, you know, it's pretty cheap.
So, yeah. I don't know.
Especially these days because student loans can be so brutal.
And, you know, Austin is in her 20s.
So if this guy is going to be pouring all of his paycheck into his student loans until she's in her 30s, Well, you don't get to be a stay-at-home mom.
In fact, you don't get to be really much of a mom at all, because he's paying off his student debts.
And you get to pay for everything else.
So people say, wow, do you have to be rich to be a stay-at-home mom?
Good heavens! You know, two incomes are practically required these days.
It's like, well, I can tell you one situation that makes him a whole lot more required, and that situation is your boyfriend owes $200,000 for a useless degree, and he hasn't told you.
Well, that's not society.
That's your boyfriend, and that's you at this point.
Austin, are you back? No, okay.
Yeah, so... And the facts, you see...
You'll get fogging from people who've screwed you over.
And this is a massive betrayal.
And of course he's going to claim, well, I didn't know.
I realized I didn't get my old emails.
You're just going to get gas lick and petty fogging and obfuscation and you got to like grit your teeth and drill down.
Right, so the moment you get a big lie like this, you grit your teeth and you say, okay, cards on the table, I need to know absolutely everything.
And what you do is you phone up the debt holder and you make sure you have the statements and you find out You find out why he didn't know, right?
So you call him up and you say, listen, and he can be on the line, right?
And he can say, well, listen, why didn't you tell me?
It's like, oh, well, we send letters to this address, and we did this, and we did this, and then you say to him, did you get those letters?
And if he says no, then you say, well, then these guys are going to have to open up an investigation.
And if it turns out that you did get these letters...
Because often they'll send them like you got a sign for them or whatever it is, right?
You can look at his phone records and say have them been calls from collection agencies.
You can look at all these things, right?
They don't just say, well, he owes us $130,000.
We don't have the right email. So we'll just destroy his credit rating without trying to contact him.
Like that doesn't happen. So he's not telling the truth.
About all of this.
He's irresponsible. He's distracted.
He's dissociated. And how someone can live with that, right?
How do you live lying for four years to a woman about your debt?
Or a couple of years, even if it all just came in later.
How do you get into a relationship with someone and decide to take on an additional $120,000 worth of debt without talking about it with them?
I mean, these are standards that I don't even know what to say.
Like, it's just, it's too wild.
I don't think she's trolling.
But it's kind of trolly.
Are you back? Yes, I'm back.
Can you hear me? Yeah, yeah. So, what's he paying?
Okay, so, I'm sorry.
I'm a little nervous and I couldn't find where I put the papers.
No, that's fine. That's fine. Yeah, they're here somewhere, but I'm sorry.
Oh, no, that's no problem. No, listen, I mean, you need these facts, right?
While you're looking, Austin, have your family.
Do they know about this?
What do they think? Sorry.
I don't want to cry on the radio show.
You don't want to what? I don't want to cry on your radio show.
You kind of do. No, listen, you kind of do.
You kind of do.
Because if it's this heartbreaking, and you should listen to the part where you were gone, you kind of do want to cry, because this is really, really tragic.
Because you want something, and your boyfriend has made it impossible.
Yeah, a little bit.
No, completely.
Because if you want to be a mom, and you have to pay all the bills, you understand his income is only enough to cover his student loan.
He is a net negative contributor to the household, right?
You have to pay for his car.
You have to pay for his insurance.
You have to pay for his healthcare or his health insurance.
You have to pay for his dentistry.
You have to pay for his clothing.
You have to pay for his food and his cell phone and his internet and the heating costs and all of the extra space you need.
You have to pay for so much.
He can't contribute anything to it.
So if you want to have, and you say you make half of what he makes, so physically it's not possible.
If he's taking home 2k a month and you're taking home 1k a month, you can't raise a family on, like, I'm a big one for, yeah, you can cut back your costs, but unless you're willing to go full erondacks, you know, you are not going to be able to raise a family on $1,000 a month.
And pay for your boyfriend or your husband or whatever, right?
It's not possible.
And he's not going to be able to contribute for 10 years.
By which time you're in your 30s, right?
Yes. I'm 25 now.
Yeah. So you're 35 by the time, or 36 by the time he can contribute to the household.
Did you tell your parents about your boyfriend's debt?
Okay, um... I told my stepdad.
I didn't tell my mom.
Why not? Well, my mom, she probably wouldn't like it.
She probably wouldn't like it.
Okay. Okay.
And what's wrong with her not liking it?
I mean, you don't like it either.
So you'd have that in common, right?
Yeah, we would have that in common.
I just... I don't know.
My mom and I, we've had a better relationship now.
Oh, I lost you again. Oh, sorry.
My mom, I just don't, I don't like when my mom is stern with me.
And I know that she will be stern.
You need someone to be stern with you, Austin.
Yeah, she's a little scary.
No, listen, you need someone to be stern with you.
People who care about you, right?
People who say, well, there's lovely young Austin who wants to be a mom and wants to be a stay-at-home mom, and she's with a guy.
He lied to you about the debt.
Come on. He lied to you that they didn't contact him.
He lied to you that he didn't know.
He lied to you. And he's lying to you about how much he's paying, or he's not telling you the truth.
He knows how much he's paying.
So he is...
Doing terrible things.
He is stringing you along because he wants to be with you and you obviously want to be with him.
But this is a fantasy land, right?
There's nothing real about all of this.
Like, Austin, how on earth do you live with someone?
Do you guys live together? Yes.
Okay. So how do you live with someone and decide to go $120,000 into debt without telling that person?
I don't know. How do you finally tell the person you're $200,000 in debt and not sit there and go over all the finances so she has a complete understanding of what's going on?
How do you blame the people who were trying to get you to pay the money back As to why you didn't pay them back.
Well, it must have gone to my own old email address.
I mean, that's not true.
It's not true.
Banks can find you.
Credit agencies are experts at finding people.
They're not stymied by an inactive email.
That's not an invisibility cloak.
Well, we'd like to get the $130,000 back, but the email has come back that the email addy doesn't exist anymore.
So, that's fine. You just keep the money.
We'll give up. They don't do that.
They can find you like that.
And the thing is that I, well, I wouldn't have never, I would have never known if I hadn't embarked on this journey of putting our finances together.
Oh, you would have known at some point.
Because you would have said, hey, time for us to have some babies.
Want to cough up some money?
And he'd be like, no, I can't.
Because I spent five or six years in school to rack up debt that it's going to take me...
Well, here's the thing too. Here's the thing too.
He can't even pay his debt.
He can't pay his debt. Unless he moves back home and has his family pay for every single one of his other living expenses, right?
Because if he makes two grand a year...
Sorry, if he makes two grand a month after taxes and he owes two grand a month, he's got zero money.
Which means he can't afford rent.
He can't afford health insurance.
He can't afford to have a car.
He can't afford to buy clothes.
He can't afford to buy groceries.
He can't afford to pay a phone bill or a heating bill or taxes or anything, right?
Yes. He pays our rent and pays his car and his cell phone bill.
So I guess maybe he's paying a little bit below the recommended amount that he should be paying.
A little bit? What do you mean, a little bit?
If he owes...
I mean, okay, so he pays your rent.
How much is your rent? It's $800 a month.
Okay, so he's paying $800 a month.
How much is the car? About $250.
All right, and then another $250 for gas and insurance?
Maybe $350? Yeah.
All right. So we got $600,000 there, let's say.
So now we're at $1,400,000.
And what else does he pay for? His gym membership.
No, really? He owes $200,000.
But it's really important to have a gym membership.
Actually, it might be if it keeps you around because you like abs, right?
Well, I guess he's really...
I feel like I sound silly.
Silly is not the word that I would use, but go ahead.
I wouldn't use a cruel word, right?
A little naive, and you don't want to know these facts, right?
Because that will push you to make decisions that you don't want to make right now.
I mean, I want to make the best decision, but...
I am going to tell him, and I should have told him already, that I don't think he needs his wellness center membership.
His gym membership? Yeah, okay.
How much is the gym membership, do you know?
I think it's probably $60 a month, but I don't know.
I don't go to the gym. I can't afford the membership.
But the gym membership isn't going to add up to whether you guys can make it or not.
No. I mean, I think that we should cut every corner we can at least to try to save or to put the excess onto his loans.
But how is he paying off his loans of $200,000 and also paying a minimum of $1,400 a month for delivering expenses?
He must just be paying a very small amount on his loans.
No, but the interest alone is pretty enormous in these kinds of situations, right?
Yes, it's very high.
Wait, do you mean the interest rate is high?
Do you know what the interest rate is? I think on one of his loans, I think, I'm not sure which loan it is.
I don't know if it's the biggest one, but I think one of them is like eight.
Eight percent? Yes.
Oh my gosh. I know.
I don't, I don't. Oh, so that, yeah, that adds another $426 a month.
That means that, see, if you're paying 8%, I know it's not all, the 200k is not all, but if you're paying 8%, which is, to me, extraordinary.
Well, of course, if you've got a bad credit rating, it's not like you can consolidate with other things, right?
Yeah, that's what we tried to look into.
Yeah, you can consolidate with a bad credit rating because no one's going to lend you the extra money.
So if you're, I don't know, let's just make it, we'll make it 6%, right?
Just because I know it's not all, the other loans are lower, is that right?
Yeah. Okay, so 200,000 at 6% over 10 years.
We're talking $2,240.
Now, you are paying $1,000 a month at the beginning on your interest alone.
Wow. And $1,220 goes on the principal.
So, you know, most of your, like, 55% of your money, 45% of your money is going to interest, 55% of it is going to principal, and it takes a long time to carve that down.
Mm-hmm. So, and you're going to be paying, so if he's paying $2,220 plus $1,400, that's $3,600 a month he needs, right?
Yes. So if he's making $2,000 a month, but he's paying $3,600, where's he getting the money?
I guess he's not paying the required amount.
But you have to pay the required amount.
This isn't like a visa bill where you can pay a minimum.
Like, you have to.
You have to pay the required amount.
Like, you don't get, in your mortgage, I mean, if you have a variable rate mortgage or whatever, but your mortgage, you say, okay, well, here's my, I put down this money, I'm borrowing this amount of money, and for three or five years or whatever, here's my interest rate.
Like, you've got to pay that.
You can't say, well, I'm a little short this month, so instead of paying $1,500, I'm just going to pay $1,000.
You can't do that. In your visa bill, you can pay your minimum, and then you can spend five years to pay five times for what you bought, right?
Yes. I'm sorry.
I don't know what to say.
Well, what are you feeling?
A little sad. A lot sad, right?
Yeah, because I don't want to...
Can you hear me?
Yeah. I don't want to end our relationship because of money.
Why not? It's not the money, you understand.
It's the trust. It's the honesty.
Yeah. The money's part of it, don't get me wrong.
But it's not about the money.
It's the fact that this guy's been stringing you along for four years without telling you how much debt he's in.
And you still don't know.
And you still don't know what the payments are.
Yeah, that's possible.
Probable. But I don't...
It's... I can't believe that his heart was in the wrong place.
I just can't...
I don't know what that means. What do you mean?
I don't... I can't...
I can't imagine that he sat down and conspired and said, I'm not going to tell Austin how much I owe and I'm going to totally screw her over.
I don't, there's no way that he did that.
He's too good of a person.
But that's not generally when people are corrupt.
That's not how it happens.
How it happens is, well, maybe this problem will just go away.
Well, I won't tell her now because it's her birthday or...
I'll find some way to make some money.
I'll pay this off. People don't sit there and say, well, I'm just going to string this woman along for four years.
She wants to be a stay-at-home mom.
Too bad. That's not how these things work.
These things work with little horrible compromises that make sense in the moment to the people who are making them, but add up to a biblical betrayal.
So, you know, we don't have to sit there with him rubbing his hands together and stroking his evil mustache and all that, right?
Yeah. I mean, every little moment.
You know, like, how do affairs happen?
Affairs don't happen because someone just says, right, that's it, I'm going to go have an affair, right?
What happens is there's a lot of flirting, there's a little bit of good feeling, there's a couple of lingering dinners, like, it's step by step, right?
Yes. Yes. This isn't like Lex Luthor planning to increase the values of desert land in California by triggering the St.
Andrea's fault. This is just like a little compromise here, a little compromise there.
So you don't have to think of him as an evil guy, except that over the last week, right?
You said it was about a week ago that you found out the truth about his death, or he finally confessed the truth about his death, right?
Yes. Now, he only confessed because you asked him, right?
Yes, because I needed the information.
Yeah, yeah. So my question is, how long did he know before you asked him?
I don't know. It's kind of hard to talk about it when he gets upset.
He gets upset?
Yeah. Wait, does he say it's upsetting me that I lied to you about being upset?
More than double in death than what I said in the past?
I mean, yeah, and I guess just the sum upsets him, and it would upset me too.
It's like he's in jail.
He's what? It's kind of like he's in jail, I guess you probably think.
So when he thinks about the sum, how much money he owes.
Yeah. Yeah.
Now, let me ask you this, Austin.
Did you not notice that he was going to school and not making any money?
And that his school was expensive?
Yeah, he was in school in the very beginning of our relationship.
And I knew...
I've changed a lot in the past four years.
I feel like I've grown up a lot.
You might have still a ways to go, but go on.
Yeah, but I... I'm sorry.
No, that's fine. I didn't mean my comment to be cruel.
I'm just, you know, this is a wake-up call that you wanted, right?
Yes. Let me ask you something else, and I'm sorry to interrupt.
You said that it was a year or two in the relationship that he said he was $80,000 in debt, right?
Yeah. So, if we say it's two years, then over the last two years, he's accumulated $120,000 in debt.
Yeah. How is that possible?
That's why I think that the 80 might not have been right.
No, he lied about the 80.
I don't know. I mean, unless you're going...
Is he going to Yale or Harvard or Stanford or...
No. I mean, how do you rack up $60,000 a year in debt for an arts degree?
Well, it might have been accumulating.
Well, if he graduated with his bachelor's...
Oh, penalties and stuff, right?
So because he didn't pay the loan, he's got penalties, maybe.
Yeah, I don't know.
We're nine years apart, and so I don't know if he was paying at all in his mid to late 20s or what he was doing then.
Yeah, Austin, come on.
What are you doing? This guy's in his mid-30s.
Yes. He's in his mid-30s.
When did he graduate?
With his master's?
Well, no, with his education.
I don't know. The master's in education, right?
Yes. So that was about two years ago.
He just started his third year of teaching.
Wait, wait, wait. Hang on, hang on.
Okay, now I'm really confused. So you said that two years ago, or three years ago, he said he was $80,000 in debt.
Now he graduated two years ago, and I assume he hasn't been getting more into debt because he's out of school.
So how does he get $120,000 extra in debt Right after, like right before he graduates, he's 80 grand in debt.
I'm not sure.
But you understand the question, right?
Yes. And it's...
I want...
You to understand that I am just thinking in the past.
And so about one to two years ago, we had the conversation.
And about one to two years ago, he was working on his master's.
I'm sorry. One to two years ago, he graduated from his master's?
Yeah, he was working on it and he finished his master's.
Is it one or two years ago?
He probably finished more like two to two and a half years ago.
But that's about the time he said he was 80K in debt.
Around that time, yeah.
I would think we probably had the conversation while he was in school.
Yeah, but it was towards the end of his school, right?
Yeah. So somehow he went from 80K in debt two years ago when he graduated to $200,000 in debt now.
Maybe he was...
This is just a possibility.
I guess maybe he was thinking about his debt Before he started his master's program.
Maybe. Maybe.
You can make up any excuses that you want.
But generally, if you say to someone, honey, how much in debt are you?
They don't say, I'm in debt $80,000, asterisk as of four years ago, right?
That's just lying, right? Yes.
Right. Yes.
Well, I mean, you're right.
And... I guess it would be, given the circumstances, damn near impossible for us to have kids.
No, but why would you want to have kids with a guy who's this deceptive?
Well, I've been with him for four years and I love him.
And I think he's He sounds bad on this conversation, on this phone conversation.
No, he doesn't just sound bad.
Austin, this is not just, well, you know, I don't like his taste in music.
This is terrible. So tell me what you love about him.
I think he has a heart of gold.
No, that's a cliche.
This is one of these Hallmark card cliches.
And a heart of gold generally doesn't mean lying to people about your finances when you're bound in together.
So give me something else.
He's never mistreated me.
He treats me with such kindness and he's great with children.
When I see him interacting with children...
Sorry, I can't hear you. Sorry.
When I see him interacting with children, it just makes my heart swell up so big.
And I just know that if it weren't for this debt, he'd be such a good father.
If it weren't for that murder, he wouldn't be a murderer.
He's good with kids because he's a child.
Because he's a child. Because he takes on obligations.
He takes on debt. He lies about them.
He doesn't pay his bills. Right?
He falsifies things.
He's still not giving you the straight goods.
You're still trying to guess at what his payments are.
Yeah. I guess...
I don't know.
He does pay most of the bills.
He pays for our rent, which gives me a place to live.
When I don't make nearly as much money as him, I... You make a lot more money than him, Austin.
Do you know why? Because I don't have the debt.
Because you don't have $200,000 in debt.
Yeah, that's true.
I didn't think about it that way.
There's an old story.
It's about Donald Trump when he was deeply in debt.
He was like, I don't know, billions of dollars in debt or something like that.
And he's walking down the street and there's some homeless guy and he gives him some money and he says, yeah, that homeless guy, he still has billions of dollars more than I do.
Yeah, that's...
Yep, that's true. But I guess, yeah, technically, if you look at it that way, but I still...
Probably couldn't afford to pay the rent myself, plus my car and my student loans.
So you're staying with him because he pays the bills?
Well, that kind of...
Just the thought of that...
I thought you didn't want money to affect your relationship.
Well, I don't want it to, but it does.
Well, the reason I was saying that is because I don't want to be...
This sounds silly.
I know you're going to tell me I sound silly, but I don't want to be snippy or naggy about finances when I don't contribute my fair share, I guess, in terms of living and our rent and things like that.
So it's got nothing to do with that, Austin.
It's to do with the fact that he gets annoyed when you try to bring some basic freaking reality to your finances.
Well, yeah, he does.
Right? So, when you say, he treats me so well, he's got a heart of gold.
But he repeatedly and pathologically lied to me about finances.
He's still not telling the truth.
When I bring it up, he gets mad.
But he's a great guy.
Yeah, it is kind of hard to talk because sometimes I don't know when the best time would be to talk about it because...
No, no, you should...
Oh my god.
Austin, you are the wronged party here!
He lied to you.
Now, you played along with it.
Don't get me wrong. You've got some ownership here, my darling.
You were like, oh yeah, no, I'm sure it's fine.
I mean, you weren't digging in.
You waited four years to find out this guy was lying about his debt?
Yeah, I guess I did.
Which means that your lives are now intertwined.
This is why people get married.
And this is why you've got to have full disclosure of your finances before you get married.
This is why to me, I'll tell you this straight up from my perspective, lying to your partner about your finances is fraud.
It's fraud, and it's worse than fraud in a mere economic sense.
Because if somebody defrauds you economically, you're not in love with them.
You're not bound together as partners.
You're not having sex.
This is why people get married rather than just hang around and live together.
Because you shouldn't get married before you know everything about your partner's finances.
And I mean everything. Yeah, and that's...
Well, since I've had this change of heart about wanting children and things like that and wanting to get married, that's when I started...
Kind of wanting to learn, put our finances together.
When you got serious. When you got serious about your relationship.
When you weren't just doing that early 20s, screw around, time-wasting bullshit, right?
When you got serious about your life, you found out the true horror, not of the debt, not of the debt, but of the lying and the falsification and the gaslighting and the pretend upset because he doesn't want to talk about it.
Well, he lied.
Could you imagine if he'd had an affair?
And he's like, well, I get really upset when you bring this up.
Oh my God. Because here's the thing, Austin.
You're 25 years old.
Let's say you wake up tomorrow and you say, oh, this is bad, man.
This is bad. I can't get what I want out of this relationship.
And I've been betrayed. Betrayed in a terrible way.
So I'm getting out. Okay, well, you've got a big mess now, right?
You've got to try and untangle...
Your finances, your relationship.
You've got to figure out where you're going to live.
You might have to move back in home.
And then you've got to process the relationship and figure out what happened and how you...
It's going to take you at least a year.
Then you've got to start dating.
You're 26 or 27.
You've got to find some guy. You don't have a lot of money.
You don't... Right? This is...
You're figuring like bird in the hand or two in the bush, right?
Sorry, I don't know that.
Sorry, what I mean is, so a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush means that if you already have a bird in your hand, it's better than trying to let it go and try and catch two more that you see in the bush because you might end up with none.
Yes. So you've got a guy, you've got four years invested and for a woman that's full commitment, right?
You've got four years invested and you're dependent on him financially.
Yes. And you want to have kids.
Yes. So, doesn't sound like you want to leave him, right?
Well, no, I don't.
No, I get it. I get it.
I would love, I don't, of course I don't want to.
This past week has been not good.
But you should not be walking on eggshells around this guy who lied to you.
You shouldn't be like, well, I've got to figure out the right time, and I don't want to upset him too much.
That's called being bullied.
And the question, I mean, and I'm sorry, I put it the wrong way.
I apologize for that. You're right to point it out.
It's not like...
Not that you want to leave him, but...
Wouldn't you like someone who is more honorable to be the father of your children?
Wouldn't you like someone who wasn't so heavily in debt and hadn't lied to you about it for years?
And is continuing to downplay and push back and bully you about the topic?
Don't you want somebody more honorable to be the father of your children?
I guess I would I guess less debt would be good, would be better I guess It's not about the money, Austin.
It's about the honesty.
It's about the consideration.
He withheld from you essential information that you needed to figure out years ago whether you wanted to be in the relationship.
Do you understand what I mean? Yes.
Let's say a couple of years ago, maybe just before you moved in.
So how long did you guys date before you moved in together?
About two years.
Okay. So before you moved in, he sat you down and said, Austin, I am horribly in debt.
I've made terrible decisions.
I've got the kind of debt that I should already be a surgeon.
I am $200,000 in debt.
I have a terrible credit rating.
And my debt payments consume almost all of my income, and they will probably at least for the next 10 years.
Right? Yes.
Now, if he had said that to you before you moved in, when you were just dating, what would you have said?
Um, well...
Oh, and I've been withholding it from you.
I've been lying to you about it for a couple of years.
If it was two years ago, I probably, after you told me, I would have said, okay, and then I would have went and told my mom, and then my mom would have told me to jump.
And what would you have done, do you think?
In the end, I probably would have thought about it for maybe a couple of days, and then I probably would have listened to my mom.
Right. What if he had told you this on your first date?
He said, oh, you know, you seem really nice, but listen, just to be upfront, I don't want to waste your time, you know, but I'm $100,000 in debt, I'm probably going to be $200,000 in debt in a couple of years, and my debt is being spent or my debt has been generated on degrees that have almost no economic value.
First date, what would you have said?
I probably wouldn't have known what to say because, well, thinking about my past self, I don't know.
I might have been a little bit more, I might not have been so shocked because I wasn't as money savvy or aware of it.
But you know $200,000 or $100,000 is a lot of money, right?
You're making $1,000 a month.
Come on. Yes. And at the time, I didn't think I would ever want kids.
But if it was me now, going back to our first date, I would have said sorry.
We can be friends.
Right. So he defrauded you into a relationship by not telling you the truth about his life.
I'll be straight up with you, Aston.
The whole thing is a lie. Because if you wouldn't...
Have been with him if he told you the truth and he lied?
He stole four years of your life.
Yes, you're right.
You're right about that.
My question is, how much does he get to steal more?
How much more does he get to steal? Because he's still stealing, right?
Because he's not telling you all of his finances even now.
And he's pretending to get pissed off when you bring it up, right?
Yes. So he's still falsifying.
He's still lying. He's still stealing.
Yeah. Yeah.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do.
I'm probably going to have to...
Well, my dad...
I'm sorry, say again?
Sorry. The advice my dad would always give me if there was a big decision would be to sleep on it.
And so I'm probably going to at least have to sleep on this.
Now you do understand, given that this is a public conversation, I have to say things that I wouldn't say in a private conversation.
Which is that if you stay with him, Austin, you are training men to lie to women as a whole.
Because men are listening to this.
Some of the men who are listening to this have a lot of debt.
Some of these men who are listening to this who have a lot of debt are dating, and they haven't told.
Their dates, their girlfriends, their fiancés, maybe even their wives, they haven't told about all the debt they have.
Yes. And if you stay with him, you are...
Saying to these men, oh yeah, you should just lie.
Just lie. Just lie and blur everything and fog everything and bully the woman into not bringing it up.
It works. She'll stay with you.
She'll have sex with you. She'll have kids with you.
She'll clean your house.
She'll cook your meals. Just lie.
Just lie. Because you see, women, a lot of women, they'll think, well, they just have standards that are so low.
That if you just lie and get the woman embedded in your life and just pay some of her bills with money that she should damn well know where it's coming from but doesn't, yeah, just lie.
It works out well. It works out beautifully.
I mean, if you tell the truth, man, you don't get the girl.
But if you lie, you get the girl.
So people who tell the truth, they end up alone.
But the men who lie, they get the girl.
Well, I hope...
I don't want to tell anyone to do that.
Well, except yourself, right?
Yeah. But I don't want to make any such big statements or such big decisions on your show.
No, no, of course. I'm not saying make the decision on this show.
I mean, I understand that. I mean, it's four years of your life and all of that.
But... I will tell you this.
It sounds like I'm putting a curse on you.
I'm not. I'm just telling you the consequences.
Austin, you marry this woman, you're going to be miserable.
You marry this guy, you're going to be miserable.
You marry this guy, he's going to end up lying to your children.
He's certainly not going to tell you the truth.
You see, once you marry him and you give him children, you've given him the ultimate reward.
Socially, sexually, genetically, you've given him the ultimate reward.
How on earth are you going to have any standards for this guy if you say, oh, well, you lied to me, you cheated me, you cheated me out of four years of my life, and you're still lying to me and you're still bullying me, but hey, let's get married and I'll give you children.
You're never going to have any standards with this guy.
And how could you? Because you already gave him the ultimate reward, even after he behaved in horribly dishonorable ways.
Also, Austin, if you marry this guy, good people We'll have nothing to do with you or your husband.
Because we can tell. We can tell.
We can tell. We can tell who's honest.
We can tell who's strong. We can tell who's good.
We can tell who's virtuous.
We can tell who has integrity.
And if you're like, well, yeah, okay, he cheated.
He lied. He's still lying and cheating and bullying.
But, he's pretty, and he goes to the gym.
So, okay, let's have kids.
Well, good people, we can tell.
Don't ask me how, but we can.
And it means that the only people you'll end up hanging around with are people like him, and who you'll become.
Which is a person without standards.
A person who is willing.
To have sex with and give children to.
A liar and a cheat.
And a bully. And you will be broadcasting all over the world as well, not just for you, but for all over the world, whether it's through this show or anything else, you'll be broadcasting all over the world.
Guys, this, this is how you get the girl.
You lie, you cheat, you bully, you steal.
This is how you get the girl. And then your daughters, when they grow up, they're going to find out all of this.
And then they're going to look at you, and they're going to say, this is the guy you chose to be our father.
See, they get the vote. Not you, not your vagina, not your hormones, not your fears, not your anxieties, not your codependents.
They, your future children, are the ones who get the vote on the sperm that goes into your body.
Because you have a choice.
They don't. You have a choice to be with this man, to give him children to get married.
They don't. Is this the guy that your children most want as a father?
That's the only question that matters when it comes to this kind of stuff.
Is this the guy that your children would vote for As the greatest guy you could get to be their father?
The answer to that, of course, is no.
You think he's going to lie to you only in this future life, Austin?
Do you think he's going to lie to your children?
Do you think he's going to break their heart?
Do you think he's going to waste their time?
Well, see, after you've given him marriage and children, there's nothing left to control him with because you've given him the ultimate reward.
And your sons, Are going to pattern themselves after their father.
All sons do. Because the father for a boy is the example of the sexually successful male.
And given that our genes want to reproduce, boys look at their father and say, man, whatever he did, I'm doing that.
So they're going to lie to you too.
They're going to lie to their girlfriends.
They're going to lie to their sisters.
We're going to lie to everyone. Why?
Because lying really, really works.
It gets you the girl.
It gets you the babies. It gets you the successful gene pool.
And your daughters, they're going to date liars and cheats and thieves.
And you're going to be broke forever.
Yeah. And your husband's looks are going to fade.
Always happens. Very few Blake Carringtons in this world.
And your kids are going to be lied to.
Engaged and involved with liars.
No quality people around. Broke.
Frustrated. Heaven forbid there's a divorce.
And they can look at you and say, Why him?
Why do you reward the liar, the cheat and the thief and the bully?
With marriage and children. Didn't you, Mom, just put one more damn log on the fire that burns down the world by refusing to raise your standards?
Wow. I really, I definitely don't ever, I don't want to get a...
Sorry, one more time?
Oh, my parents got divorced, and I don't ever want to get a divorce.
You don't ever want to get a divorce, but you want to get married to a guy who lied to you about $200,000 in debt.
Man, if that's not a red flag, honey, I don't know what is.
Yeah, you're right. It is a red flag.
It really is.
And that's why I wanted to write into you.
And because I knew that you are, what's the word?
You don't share your coaching, that's for sure.
I knew that you'd probably rip me a new one in the most helpful way possible.
Sorry, it's fading out again.
Oh, sorry.
I said that I knew you'd rip me a new one in the most helpful way possible.
But, um, It's funny how me, this is so funny, women are so funny, so Austin, me, I'm telling you the truth, and I'm really, really trying to help you.
I know. And you're saying that I'm ripping you a new one, but your boyfriend who lied to you, cheated, stolen, bullying you, he's just got a heart of gold.
Oh, I didn't mean that in a mean way.
It's the language.
It's the language. The truth.
You prefer the lies.
That's why you might breed with the lies.
You prefer the lies. That's why you enabled them.
That's why you won't confront him.
And me telling you the truth, wow, that seems to you like it's aggressive, but that's how you help people.
Will you let me know how it goes?
Yes, of course.
Well, thanks for the call.
I really, really appreciate it.
And I know that stuff is tough. You never did find the bank statements, did you?
No, I'm sorry. I tried.
Well, you know, they might have been hidden from you.
It would not surprise me at all.
All right, Austin. Well, thanks, Emil.
Check the shredder, and we'll move on to the last caller.
Okay, thank you. All right, up next we have Gregory.
He wrote in and said, I'm a 22-year-old college student entering my final year of college who was raised by a family that personifies the term Bible Belt.
I recently began to date a girl whose sexual history consists only of one-night stands up until me.
I knew about the one-night stands before we began dating, but I proceeded to pursue her anyways.
I have negative thoughts and emotions about these one-night stands constantly, and there has even been an incident where I was compared to one of the guys she slept with.
Even after speaking to her about that, I still cannot seem to get it out of my head and we never arrived at closure.
How do I process and cope with these thoughts and emotions?
Am I subconsciously looking for a way to end the relationship because her history goes against my morals and values?
That's from Gregory. All right, Gregory, how pretty is she?
Let's just get this out of the way right up front.
I mean, I guess she's about like a six or seven.
And what are you? I personally think I'm probably about a six or seven, but my friends tell me I'm more like a seven or an eight.
All right. All right.
So would you say she's slightly below you on the attractiveness scale?
In my personal opinion, no.
I would kind of match us up relatively, but literally every single one of my best friends has told me that's not the case.
Does she have any STDs?
No. All right.
You hope? Right.
All right. Obviously. How long have you been going out?
Actually, the first of September will make four months.
Did you meet in college?
We did. We actually met, I think it was about two years ago, we were out playing volleyball with some friends.
And like, I had just kind of casually met her then.
She was a freshman and I was a sophomore.
And then actually, like about this year, obviously, we kind of, you know, decided, hey, this person is cool.
So we just obviously started going from there.
Yeah, I met my wife playing volleyball.
That's, so I, there's.
Interesting coincidence.
Yeah. Not that I'm necessarily recommending you make her your wife, but all right.
And she's never had a relationship that's more than just midnight bang-a-thon walk of shame stuff?
Correct. I am her first boyfriend.
And she's 21, is that right?
She is. All right.
And how many one-night stands has the roulette wheel of Vagina Cannon absorbed?
Three. Oh, three? Right.
Do you believe her?
At first, well, I mean, I don't think that she would lie to me.
I haven't had any issues and I haven't caught her lying on anything.
Well, it's four months.
It's not like you've got a big frame of reference here, right?
That's true. That's true. But I do have, you know, most of my friends actually like knew about them, either through the grapevine or, you know, stuff like that.
So they're the ones that kind of told me about them.
I never specifically asked her about her sexual history other than like one time.
And she told me three.
I mean, no hesitation. When did she compare you to one of the guys she's had sex with?
Actually, it was June 30th.
I have a specific date.
That's a brand branding now, isn't it?
Yeah. June 30th, the day of hell.
I could almost tell you the exact time, too.
I love the smell of sexual comparisons in the morning.
Smells like defeat.
All right, go on. To be fair, it's like 11 at night.
Yeah, yeah. But anyways, it was June 30th, her 21st birthday.
Obviously, she decided she wanted to go out and celebrate a little bit, and I was all for that.
I had friends in my fraternity who were actually driving for me, so that, you know, we had everything set up.
We just spent like a full day of just kind of goofing around, and then that evening she had said something like comparing my size to someone else's.
No. No, really?
She said you weren't as well hung as one of the other guys she'd banged.
Yes, and to make matters worse, her best friend was like sitting right there in the room.
What did she say, Gregory?
What did she say exactly?
Don't tell me you don't remember. What did she say?
How the hell does that even come up?
And how does it come up higher than yours?
Anyway, go on. I don't remember how it came up, but she specifically said, and obviously I'm not going to say the name of the person, but she had said that this guy was, you know, I've had bigger, this guy was.
So she was talking about her sex life with you, and she said, I've had bigger than Gregory.
And I mean, yes, but I'm not exactly sure we were on the topic of sex at all.
I was also intoxicated.
I'm pretty sure when you're talking about cock size, you're kind of – I mean, unless you're talking about roosters, you're kind of on the sex topic.
Right. But I mean, like, it literally just came out of nowhere.
I just don't remember – I don't personally recall.
Maybe her best friend did, like, what we were talking about before that comment.
Nice voice break. All right.
Yeah. So she was pissed at you, right?
She was angry at me? She must have been.
You don't insult a guy's penis size and compare it to some other guy you've slept with if you're happy with him.
Every woman knows who's got half a brain.
For a lot of guys, that's a pretty soft spot, so to speak, if that makes any sense.
That can get inside a guy's head.
There's no way to put this without sounding like it's got two meanings, but...
That's a hell of a thing to say, and every woman knows that that's really sticking the shiv in.
Yeah, that's kind of the point of the call.
I don't exactly see how she would have been mad at me.
I mean, I hadn't done anything to make her mad.
In fact, I had gone out of her way for her birthday, and this was kind of one of the things that we had talked about after her birthday.
It was basically like I had set up a bunch of things to do, Topgolf, and we had gone to do an escape room because she loves escape rooms.
And we were going out to eat with all her friends.
And Topgolf and the escape room are kind of far away from where we go to school.
And I was trying to get some of her friends to go with us, like even her best friend from high school.
And I had offered to pay.
I had offered to go pick her up, do everything I could.
And this girl kind of turned her down.
And the only three people who showed up...
Wait, sorry. Her best friend from high school didn't want to come out to a paid...
Oh, Gregory.
Why? Why not?
What kind of woman is this that her best friend, even if you offer to pay her up and pick her up and pay for it, won't come?
We've had that conversation too and I kind of – I personally think that it's because she hasn't really ever gotten like on a deep level with anyone other than me, if that makes sense.
Don't make me make those jokes about you at a deep level, man.
Come on. I'm half an inch shy of a deep level.
Okay. So no, it's not about that.
So you're begging her long-term friends to come out for her party and they won't.
What did they say? Well, specifically this best – the other ones were kind of – I wouldn't say they're long-term.
They're like college friends, so sorority sisters, stuff like that.
So if they have work or something like that, I understood.
Her best friend specifically was just like – I led with, hey, you know – We're doing this party.
And she's like, oh, I just can't afford it.
And I was like, well, that's fine. I'll pay for everything.
I got a Groupon, so it's not a big deal.
And she's like, oh, well, my car is messed up.
Or like, I just can't get out there.
I don't have time or something like that.
And I was like, well, I mean, I'll come get you.
And then it just basically like devolved into, oh, you're so sweet, but I just can't do it.
I wonder if it's because this woman can be a total bitch.
I wonder if that burns any bridges at all over time.
You know, if she says this to you about you not being as well hung as some other guy she bangs, I wonder what she's said over the years to her friends.
I'm not exactly sure, actually.
But other than that, like one time, I can't think of her ever really like genuinely being like a jerk to me.
Was she drunk? When she made the comment?
Yeah. Yes.
Very drunk? Like 1 to 10?
What are we talking here? Like full of Billy Bob Thornton?
Or what are we talking here? I'd probably say about a...
I want to say about a 7 or an 8.
Like she was fine.
Like she could walk and everything. But I had to make sure she had a trash can by her bedside before I went to bed.
Just in case.
In case you wanted to measure your cock.
You'll need a trash can, honey.
All right. What happened, Greg, in the room when she said this?
Was there this, ooh, bad call to say it?
Yeah, her best friend definitely did that.
She kind of backed out. She's like, I am not a part of this conversation.
I thought her best friend wasn't there.
She was there for the, sorry, let me reference.
We did three things before and then we went to the bar in our town after her best friend only showed up for the bar.
Oh, so she can't take her friend sober.
Actually, sorry, I misspoke.
She did show up for the birthday dinner as well.
Okay. Which you paid for?
No, she actually paid for that.
Oh, okay. Okay, so her friend was like, oh, I'm not part of this conversation.
So she backed off.
And was there anyone else who heard it?
No, it's just the three of us.
Have you been around her before when she's been drunk?
Not that drunk.
I mean, slight intoxication, but not nearly that much.
And what happened after her friend said, I'm not part of this conversation?
I mean, I was obviously visibly and hurt, and I was verbally like, yeah, you definitely don't say that to people.
That obviously kind of stung my pride a lot.
And it basically just immediately devolved into, we're all going to sleep.
Did she apologize?
No. Actually, no.
It took me about two days to remember that she had said it.
And then after I had remembered, obviously I was upset again.
And I just went for a drive.
I was like, I've got to clear my head.
I have to think about this.
And kind of, you know, talked to her about it.
And she was very upset when I came back.
And even when I got back, the one thing that really stuck out to me was like, obviously, I was the one that kind of deserved to be upset in this situation.
And she was crying.
I mean, just bawling when I got back.
And she couldn't even like mutter a single sentence.
Wait, sorry. I thought you went for a drive alone because you were to clear your head up.
How did she end up crying?
Sorry, but I missed that. Um, she just, I had, uh, I'd gone to our lake and she texted me and like, where are you?
And I was like, I, I'm out for a drive.
I remember what you said. And then she's just like, please come back.
And I was like, I will in a while.
Oh, so she knew what you were referring to, even though you didn't refer to it directly.
Correct. And actually, what really kind of confused me that day was when I got back to her when she was crying at the apartment.
I'd said something along the lines of, that was kind of low.
And I like to joke up and mess around and make fun of people.
But I was like, that's kind of low, even for me.
And she didn't even remember the comment.
But obviously, from the text message, she knew exactly what I was talking about.
So that's a contradictory statement, right?
Right. So what is it?
Does she know or not know? I mean, it sounds like the big comment was looming pretty large.
I mean, there was no way that she didn't know.
I think that she was just trying to, like, play it off and make her seem like the victim.
Oh, she was lying? I imagine so, yes.
Okay. So did you ask her, if you don't remember anything, then why did you tell me to come back here?
I did not. When she started crying, what did you do?
Well, she was sitting in the floor and when I walked back in the room, I just like – I didn't say a word.
I was kind of like – I honestly thought that she was going to say something to me because naturally if you want someone to stay with you, then you're going to make a comment and you're going to try to do everything you can to repair the damage.
But she didn't say anything.
I went to the bathroom, grabbed her tissues.
Gregory, you met a woman who had trouble admitting when she was wrong and instead just pretended to be a victim?
Yes. Hmm. Like the German women who complain that they can't go out at night because of the migrants that a lot of them voted for and invited in.
Ha! Women changing the demographics of their country.
Turns out what they wanted really wasn't what they wanted at all.
Never seen that before in the history of femininity.
All right. So then she's crying.
You're not saying anything. What happens after that?
I gave her the tissues.
I sat down with her. And I mean, we sat there for at least a solid three or four minutes, just silence, other than like her sniffling.
And I was just asked, like, are you going to say anything?
And the only thing she said was, I'm not good with words.
And that's when I made the comment about, you know, that's low, even for me.
And that was, you know, that's pretty much it.
I'm not good with words?
What's she studying in university, Greg?
You're going to laugh. It's actually photography.
Photography. Photography.
All right. All right.
So she's, I guess, not great with words, more of a visual person.
I mean, she was pretty good at words when it came to breaking your heart a little bit there, right?
Yeah, that hit the nail on the head.
So then what happened?
That was – I honestly want to say that I'm pretty sure that was the end of the conversation.
I mean like I don't have vivid memory of it.
But what happened afterwards even if that was the end of the conversation?
What happened afterwards? It actually kind of loomed on me for two weeks and I have one of my best friends.
No, no. What happened in the moment? So she's crying.
She says, I'm not good with words.
You say that's kind of low and then what happens?
Like did you just get up and leave?
Like what happened in the moment there?
We just kind of sat there again and I initiated like, you know, damage repair myself and I was just like, you know, it's going to be okay.
Oh, so her strategy worked?
Yes. Okay, so you've been well trained to come crawling back to an abusive woman.
I suppose so.
Am I wrong? Because that's a power struggle, right?
She's crying. You're angry.
And she's like, well, I wonder if I just keep crying whether or not he'll cave.
Oh, look, he caved.
I got him. I mean, that's your basic power struggle right there, right?
That's the moment, right? Where you say, no, hey, listen, man, you owe me an apology if all you're going to do is sniffle there like some...
Broken Kleenex dispenser.
Bye-bye. You get up and you walk out, right?
I should have, yes.
So why didn't you? I'm not saying beat up on yourself about it.
Like, I'm genuinely curious.
Not like, why the hell didn't you? It's like, I'm genuinely curious.
Why not? I want to say actually it was like a combination of a lot of things.
I think that it was like the honeymoon phase, you know, that was two months in.
So I was still kind of, you know, very happy with her as a person other than that one thing.
Other than that one thing, right?
Yeah. And other than the fact that she didn't talk about it, that she lied about not remembering it, and she manipulated the shit out of you, and she didn't apologize, and she had you bend over backwards to make everything better.
Other than that, total fucking honeymoon period.
When you put it that way, not so much.
Not so much. Maybe Hellman period, but I mean, I would contribute to that.
And I personally, like I was saying with my friends, I feel like I have low self-esteem or I think I have low self-esteem.
And obviously that comment didn't help that situation at all.
Yeah. And I just, I feel like I'm getting older.
I mean, I know I realize I'm only 22, but like my hairline's already kind of going back a good bit.
My father had that, the same thing.
And I mean, I look 95% like him anyways.
Women don't care. Women don't care.
Listen, I've been bald since about, no, I'm older than you, but I got the same, you know, high forehead and then just, you know, women don't care.
Or let's put it this way, the women who really care about it, you don't want to date them anyway.
So hair is for men, like tits are for women, right?
It's basically all of this. Some guys like big tits, some women like lush hair.
Some guys are fine with small tits, as long as the woman's not fat, right?
If you're fat and bald, that's a bad combination, right?
If you've got a flat forehead and two chins, that is a bad combo.
And same thing with women.
You can have small tits, but as long as you're lean, or at least not fat, that's fine, right?
So, the hair thing, I know it's like, oh, you're losing your hair.
It's terrible. It's like, it doesn't matter.
You know, losing your hair can be great because it means you got to stay reasonably trim.
And so, it actually can help you live longer.
It actually can help you stay healthier.
But I'm just telling you, I've dated a lot of women.
They don't care. They don't care.
They care because, you know, having extra hair is not like it gives you a huge amount of extra resources.
So, I'm just telling you, like, bald guy to balding guy.
Women don't care. I've never had a woman basically not date me because I was bald.
And the funny thing, if someone said, a woman said, I'm not going out with you because you're bald.
I'm like, okay, thank you for saving me.
Thank you for saving time because you know what?
90% of men end up losing portions of their hair.
90% of men.
I was just thinking about this the other day.
You look at a band like, I don't know, Queen or the Beatles and so on.
The odds that all of those guys keep their hair until they're old is very, very, very tiny.
It's just one of the weird things that happens with bands that is interesting, right?
I mean, because like, you know, Bono's guitarist or the guitarist for U2. He was losing his hair in his 20s and he just always has these stupid hats on.
And it's like, dude, not fooling anybody.
Not fooling anybody.
But it is, they don't care.
They don't, women don't care.
They care, I mean, if they're decent women, they care if you're a good conversationalist, they care if you're intelligent, they care if you can make them laugh.
That's a big thing because, you know, it's like that Owen Benjamin piano bit, like women have a bit of a dark streak when it comes to foreboding and a man who can make them laugh lifts a lot of the burdens of femininity out of there.
But yeah, don't, I know it's like, it's something that probably concerns you, but it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter. And for heaven's sakes, don't, Don't let something as inconsequential and ridiculous as hair loss, which is not your fault.
And, you know, it's not like you did something bad.
It's not like you've got that trick of whatever it is, mania, where you're pulling out hair from your eyelashes and your eyebrows.
It's just, you know, it's just genetics, right?
And, of course, if...
Like, hair loss for women is bad, which is why there are very few women who go bald, right?
Because men find it really unattractive.
But if bald...
If bald was unappealing to women, there wouldn't be any bald guys.
You understand, right? Women are fine with it.
Also, bald was great in a time where physical combat was big because there's nothing to grab onto, right?
So don't let the balding thing do one tiny thing to your sexual market value because it doesn't.
Because it doesn't. I mean, good heavens, do you know how many women are hot for people like Vin Diesel and Bruce Willis.
I mean, you name it, right? Kelly Savalas when I was younger.
It matters if you keep yourself trim, and it matters if you keep yourself healthy.
It matters if you work out.
It matters if you're a good conversationalist, a positive person, and can make women laugh.
That's what matters. A couple of follicles.
I mean, what was it?
Jennifer Aniston, I guess this is more the main...
Lovebird from my generation than yours, but Jennifer Anderson, I don't know, she was between guys and she's like, well, you know, I don't care who I date, he just has to have a full head of hair.
Good job, honey. You ended up with a guy and you divorced him.
Good job. You know who had a full head of hair?
Brad Pitt, Justin Theroux, and you're alone.
But, you know, you have memories of a guy with a full head of hair now, don't you?
It's just so ridiculous, right?
So, yeah, the women who are like, well, I'm not dating him because he's balding.
Good! Because that's about as intelligent as saying, well, I'm not dating her because her tits aren't big enough.
I don't know. It's retarded.
And you're better off keeping those idiot women out of your life.
So, I'm just telling you, don't let it knock you down a peg or anything like that.
I mean, I guess worst case scenario, I just have a nice tan on my head.
You just have a what? A nice tan on my head.
Well, yeah. I mean, I don't know.
I mean, I guess you can take those.
I've known some guys who you can take pills to keep your hair.
You can get hair transplant.
I mean, I'd actually be a good candidate for hair transplants because I actually have quite a lot of hair, just not on the front, right?
I'm not one of these guys who's got that tiny little horseshoe of hair around the back, like sort of back of my skull just over the horizon all the way down.
I could get hair transplants all over the place, but No, that would just seem like a really pathetic compromise to like, who cares?
Like, wow, does it bother you being bald on camera?
It's great being bald on camera.
You know what I don't have to do?
My hair. It's so efficient.
Just go down. You know, I get a towel, go down, keep it short.
Just shave your head. It's too much work.
The whole point is to make it as little work as humanly possible.
Nobody cares. Nobody cares.
When I was talking about this, I think my daughter was looking through a magazine and there was this before-after picture of guys with hair transplants or pills or whatever it is, right?
And she's like, Dad, never ever do that.
Never ever do that.
My wife's the same way. She's like, no, this is your look.
It looks great. And I tell you, just a little aside here, I never get to talk about this kind of stuff, so indulge me for a moment.
So... When I was in Australia, the first TV show I went on, which is really the first TV show I've ever been on was the Andrew Bolt Report, B-O-L-T. You can look it up.
There's a couple of clips on YouTube about it.
I don't have makeup.
I don't have powder. I just go down and sit there in the TV studio, and they put a camera on me.
We were there for a minute or two before the show started.
I'm looking over at the camera. I'm like, I look good.
I was really looking at that like, man, that's great.
I'm really, really pleased with how I look.
Because I don't sort of sit there and, how am I doing?
Are my cheeks jowly? I don't really think about that.
But when you've got the camera on you, you've got the lights.
I'm not going to ever get the lights right in this studio.
It's ridiculous. Every time I was on camera in Australia, I'm like, damn, I look good.
And then I watched my speeches that were recorded, and you can find some of those on YouTube as well.
And I'm like, damn, I look good.
Could still lose a couple of pounds around the middle, but that's, you know, that's in my 50s.
But anyway, it's just about confidence, and it's about being happy with yourself.
But don't let... See, if you have a great head of hair, too...
It does attract some more shallow women, and it does tempt you towards an entirely unearned vanity.
You know, like, oh, good for you.
You accidentally got the jeans that gave you a full head of hair.
It's like, oh, didn't you earn that?
Ooh, good for you. That's virtue.
That's courage. That's moral integrity.
Right. So, don't let it scrape you down at all.
It's ridiculous, and people won't judge you.
They'll just judge you by how you judge yourself.
So, if you If you believe that you're less attractive because you're bald, guess what?
You're less attractive because you're bald.
But not because you're bald, but just because you believe it.
You can make yourself more attractive by being bald than if you ever had hair.
Because guys with a full head of hair, they don't go to the gym.
They can let themselves get kind of chunky because they got the full head of hair, which is bad for their bodies as a whole.
It's not always, but it can happen.
But if you're like, well, I've got to stay lean, I've got to stay healthy, partly because, you know, being bald and fat is a bad thing, or bald and overweight is a bad thing.
You know, like, the guys who've got great hair and they're bald, they're just kind of jolly, you know?
But the guys who are bald and fat, they just look kind of unwell.
It's just one of these weird things.
It's like that old joke that black guys can shave their head and look cool, but when white guys shave their head, they just look like a giant thumb.
Yeah, don't let it knock you down as far as sexual market value goes.
Women don't care. It doesn't matter.
And you can end up a better person because of it.
And certainly, you know, a woman with, I don't know, big tits or a great ass or whatever men are looking for, she never knows if guys are with her for her or her tits and ass, right?
And... You just know that a woman's there for you and not for some status symbol about how your hair looks in the sunlight or something like that.
Like, the boy over there with the hella good hair.
Anyway, I just wanted to sort of give you that little pep talk because it's important and it doesn't matter to any halfway decent woman at all.
I gotcha. I gotcha.
All right. All right.
So, tell me about your mom.
What would you like to know?
Well, when your mom did you wrong, as happens, what did she do?
I really don't specifically remember my mother doing anything terrible to me as a kid or anything like that.
Nice reframing there, my friend.
Did I say terrible?
What did I say?
Do you remember? Just wronging me.
Yeah, when your mother did you wrong.
That didn't say terrible. The fact that you reframe it means that we're onto something.
Because that's like...
See, I pick my words very carefully.
Nothing is accidental here.
Like, I pick my words very, very carefully.
Right? So, all parents do their children wrong at some point or another.
I've done it. You've done it.
You'll do it when you become a parent.
And all parents will do their kids wrong at some point.
You'll be snappy. You'll be short-tempered.
You'll be unable or unwilling to keep some promise that's important.
You understand, right? It's going to happen.
So, I didn't say, you know, what did your mom do after she beat you with a baseball bat?
I mean, she did you wrong, right?
But the fact that you reframed it immediately That's a cry for help, because you know I'm not going to let that slide, right?
Right. Okay, so what did your mom do when she did you wrong, after she did you wrong?
You mean after she...
After she would do stuff to us, she wouldn't, you know, it was her way or the highway.
If we didn't like it, that was too bad.
We can just keep crying about it, stuff like that.
I don't guess she ever, now that I really think about it, she never really comforted us when she, in my opinion, may have gone too far.
She was quick-tempered and stuff like that.
So, you know, I mean, even after spankings, it was never, I mean, you know, it was just like, it didn't even happen.
It just got brushed under the rug.
You see the pattern here, right?
I'm allowing my girlfriend to do that.
She's doing exactly the same thing.
Yeah. Did something wrong, she did you wrong, and she's just kind of pretending it didn't happen and waiting for you to fix it.
Right. Now, speaking with listeners is kind of funny.
You know when you get older and your kids are very young?
When they're very young.
You'll have a game of hide-and-go-seek and the cliche is that they stand there with their hands over their eyes saying, you can't see me.
You're trying to say, well, my mom didn't do anything terrible, but Greg, you know I've seen your adverse childhood experience score, right?
Right. Do you remember what you checked yes to?
Spankings. Physical abuse, non-spanking.
Right. Verbal abuse slash threats, no family love or support.
Verbal abuse and threats, physical abuse, not just spanking, physical abuse, no family love or support.
And you say, nothing terrible happened.
As a child, I had a bit of a smart mouth and still do.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm not letting you insult little Gregory that way.
There is no excuse for beating on a child.
There's no excuse for verbal abuse and threats, and there's no excuse for no family love or support.
So I cannot enable you blaming yourself as a child as a pathetic way to excuse your parents.
No, I won't participate in that.
You understand, I can't, right?
Right. I'm not going to participate in the verbal abuse of little Gregory to let your parents off the hook.
Right. There were sometimes my, you know, if my mother had enough, she would just, she'd slap me or, you know, something like that.
My father was working all the time.
Usually across the mouth.
Open hand, closed hand?
Open hand, usually fingertips.
All right. So she'd slap you across the mouth.
What else? That was usually the – actually, that was the extent of it.
Not usually. It was either that or spankings.
And with the spankings, how did they play out?
Were they pants down bare bottoms or how did that work?
They were when my sister and I both got older.
I think it was about the time I was like – Got older?
Yeah. They stopped by about the time we were about 10 or 12, I would say, easily.
Wait, you were getting bare butt spankings when you were in double digits?
No. Because you said when you were older, you would get the bare butt spankings.
I misspoke.
Okay, no, I'm not trying to catch you.
I just want to make sure I understand. Right.
We got those, I want to say, I was about five and they stopped when I was about eight.
After that, it was, you know, pants on.
Respect our privacy, I suppose.
But it was usually like, you know, it was usually bare hand until about the time I was about seven.
And my sister and I both kind of toughened up and we just kind of laugh at my mom because she's a smaller person.
So we would laugh in the middle of it.
And then she kind of figured, all right, well, then I'll choose a belt.
Your mother. Pardon?
Your mother? Yes.
Would use a belt on you because she couldn't inflict enough pain by hitting you with her hand?
Yes. And then what happened there?
Buckle side or non-buckle side?
No, the leather side.
All right. And was this on your pants?
Yes. She did not do bare bottom for that.
And how much did that hurt?
When it first started, it was really painful, but by about the time we were 10, or by the time I was 10, rather, it wasn't that bad, and it just kind of stopped.
And how often would this happen?
It would kind of depend on the month, depending on how my sister and I behaved, I suppose.
No, it's not depending on how your sister behaved.
It's not because that's putting the causality on you rather than your mother for hitting you with a belt, right?
Right. But how often would this happen?
At the very worst, three or four times a month and three or four times a month and some months it was just none at all.
Right. So let's just say two a month to even it out.
Fair enough. All right. So yeah, 24 times a year.
Correct. Sometimes it would cluster or sometimes it would be further apart, right?
Right. And what about the verbal abuse and threats?
They were just kind of, you know, if you don't straighten up, you're getting a belt whooping or, you know, you're getting a butt whooping, things like that.
I mean, even comments like, you know, you're not too old for me to whip your butt or, you know, stuff like...
I think this one was more of a joke.
It was just like, I brought you into this world, I can take you out of it.
And it wasn't really, you know, it wasn't like she was like death threat.
I think it was more like, you know, we were just cutting up, something like that.
No, look, I, you know, I'm pretty, pretty rigorous with horrible things done by parents that I brought into this world.
I can take you out kind of thing.
I, I, I, that's not a death threat.
And I mean, I don't want to be hysterical about that stuff.
So, I mean, I just, I don't think it's great, but I don't think it's the same as I'm hiring a hitman with Bitcoin to kill you.
I mean, I understand that.
So I'm with you.
Ah, the term Bible Belt, I always thought it referred to geography, but all right.
So, no family love or support.
What did you mean by that?
As a child, and even as an adult, I never really kind of felt like I connected with my parents, especially through my teenage years.
And I get that, you know, you have teenage angst and stuff like that, but I never really felt like they were the ones reaching out to me.
It always felt like it's my way or the highway.
You go to school, you make all A's, and that's, you know, it's either that or nothing.
What do you mean it's that or nothing one?
My mother had a very, very strict, like, you're going to college.
There's no other alternative.
You're going to college. You're going to get an education.
You're going to better yourself.
My father did not agree.
He wanted my sister and I to do what made us happy.
He wanted us to try in school because he had the experience of not trying in school.
And he always makes the joke of, he's a firefighter, so he says, you know, you'll end up with a job with your name on your shirt, you know, just joking around.
Firefighter's got it pretty good.
He does.
He's a little older now, so he does 24-hour shifts and he'll work overtime and make it 48.
Obviously, that's getting a little rough on him, but- Wait, but he's choosing the overtime for the extra pay.
It's not like he's got to, right?
Right. Yeah. So he's doing all right.
You know, you get to retire pretty young.
You got great camaraderie.
You've certainly got a sense of meaning in your life, pulling people out of burning buildings and shit.
And you get healthcare and pension and it's not a bad gig at all.
I agree. All right.
So... The way that it could have worked with this woman, she wasn't blackout drunk, so she could have remembered, right?
She did remember. Correct.
We are always going to wrong each other from time to time in relationships.
We're always going to say something. We're always going to do something.
It's going to happen. Now, it shouldn't happen very often.
Like my daughter and I get on each other's nerves maybe twice a year.
Maybe that's the case with my wife, too.
Maybe a little bit less. Maybe a little bit more, because, you know, we're dealing with more adult topics and all that.
But it's very rare, and it's never raised voices, and it's never name-calling.
It's just, you know, this is kind of annoying, and this is where I'm at, and we talk about it.
There's nothing to fear about that stuff.
Nothing to fear. Nothing to fear.
You embrace it, because it means something new is happening.
It means that you can actually find out what the cause is and get closer.
Nothing to fear from those kinds of conflicts at all.
And the more that you resolve the conflicts, the more confidence you have that the conflicts are resolvable, which means the less you get to freak out about the conflicts, blah, blah, blah, right?
So I just want to break this groove in your head, Greg.
Because let's say she had...
She was mad at you about something.
You don't say that. I mean, it's such a hurtful thing to say.
Such a hurtful thing to say.
It's like complaining about a woman's vagina being loose and floppy, you know?
You know, like you could get a hot dog stand in there and still have room for the delivery truck, right?
I mean, that's... Well, I guess that's different.
At least you can do kegels and stuff, right?
But it is pretty rough.
Because nothing you can do about penis size, right?
That's what you got, right?
So it's a really harsh thing to say.
It's a horrible thing to say. Now, I'm sorry to be so personal, but it's relevant to the comment that she made, Greg.
So how long had you been going out before you had sex?
I think it was three weeks, I want to say.
Now, for a Bible Belt boy, it's a little rapid, wouldn't you say?
I would. I would say that once I got to college, I kind of slowly got rid of some of that stuff.
What would Jesus do?
He would wait.
Anyway, so I guess he died erect.
All right. So You slept together within a couple of weeks, and was this your first girlfriend girlfriend?
No, I'd had several before her.
And were they sexual relationships?
Most? No, not most of them.
I'm sorry. I would say two out of six were.
Okay. You man whore.
All right. And why didn't those relationships work out?
Was it just like, we're going to college and we're going to be apart?
Um, one of them that was actually my first girlfriend ever.
I was, uh, we started dating when I, I was my freshman year of high school.
Uh, we had dated for a year and a half before, uh, well, excuse me, we had dated for a year and a half.
We'd done something six months, uh, but we didn't have, we didn't have sex till a year in.
Oh yeah. Well, there's always one couple in the high school that's like the married couple.
You know, they've been together forever.
There's not a lot of drama.
They're solid. And it's like, they're annoying.
I mean, it's fine. It's fine.
But yeah, I very clearly remember the high school couple in the high school that I went to.
It's like, oh yeah, they're the old married couple.
You know, the guys there whittling in the back of the, you know, she's making lemonade.
You just wait for the grandkids to pop up.
And it's like, yeah, they're like the 70-year-old grandparents trapped in the bodies of 17-year-olds.
I just remember that.
So you might have been one of those kind of couples for people.
Maybe so. What happened?
Why didn't it work out? Why didn't it stick?
We both just kind of decided that we were too young and we kind of wanted to experience a little more things.
Maybe we'd come back, maybe not.
We'd kind of grown apart after a year and a half because obviously after a year, the feelings and all the chemicals in your head are kind of gone.
In a good relationship, they're replaced with better things.
Right. So you both wanted to have sex with other people?
Because, you know, just want to experience new things.
I mean, you can experience new things as a couple.
Let's go to Thailand, right?
But if you want to go to Thailand and have sex with Thai people, well, that's a different thing that is tougher to fit into the monogamy thing, right?
Right. And I think another thing was we both kind of decided we weren't mature enough.
I mean, we were 15, 16.
She was 16, I was 15, and we broke up.
So obviously, a lot of room for growth there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it.
Do your parents know about all of this?
The sex?
Well, the dating. I guess they knew about the dating, right?
Yeah, definitely.
And the sex? Yeah.
No. My mother actually made a comment once because she saw a text message in my phone where I had asked a friend to bring me some condoms and she said if it's that big of an issue, we'll cut it off.
I'm going to have to ask what the hell she meant by cut it off.
I'm pretty sure she's just being very angry and emotional.
She meant cut off your penis?
Yes. It's like that Woody Allen joke, you know, about the short story his mother wrote called, oh no, he said, oh, I wrote a short story about my mother called The Castrating Zionist.
So she was talking about cutting off your dick?
Ha ha, ha ha.
Yeah, I definitely didn't laugh.
No, I'm guessing that's a fucked up thing for a mom to say.
It's a fucked up thing for anything to say.
But at least we don't have a pattern of women in your life making inappropriate dick comments, now do we?
Well, there's another one of those coincidences.
Yeah. Odd how that works.
So, she figured out that you were having intercourse.
No, she actually never found out I... Condom!
Condom! Come on, man!
I actually had a physics project that year where we were dropping or we put like eggs in a box, whatever, trying to make them not break.
So we were, you know, throwing them off the balcony and I thought it would be funny and a good idea to put the egg in a condom.
And obviously when it broke and shattered, I made a joke to my physics presser, I guess I can sue the condom company now.
It's funny because condoms are actually related to eggs anyway, but all right.
Right. All right. But she wouldn't have known all of that in the moment of glancing at the text message, right?
So she knew you were having sex or likely having sex, right?
Right. And she didn't talk to you about it.
She didn't discuss how it's going or what's happening or how you're feeling or what you're doing or what the relationship is.
She didn't do any of that, right? She just made a joke about cutting off your penis Muslim slave owner style.
I wouldn't call it a joke because she was definitely infuriated.
So you angrily talked about hacking off your Jimbo.
Yes, hence why I immediately backed into a corner like physics project, chill.
I like the self-confidence of a man who talks about a condom for his own penis being part of a physics project.
Yeah, I'm going to need a Derek.
Anyway, all right. And I don't mean a dude named Derek.
All right. Wow, that's kind of Freudian.
I've just put it right out there, man.
That's kind of Freudian.
And not healthy, right?
Right. Not healthy.
So, what do you like about this girl?
The now girl?
Other than three weeks.
Right. Well, other than that one issue, personalities seem to clash very well.
I've gotten her to open up extremely well.
You didn't just say that. Do you know what you just said?
What's that? What do you think you said?
We get along? No.
You said our personalities seem to clash really well.
Oh, I meant like mesh very well.
Yeah. No, I'm sure that's what you meant because we're not in the realm of Freudian territory at all.
So your personality seemed to mesh very well.
Mesh very well. There's me doing it.
Oh my God, there's no escape.
All right. All right.
So other than unspecified compatibility, which I don't know what that means, what do you like about her?
What do you respect about her? What do you think is quality about her?
Well, she's very sociable.
She gets involved, and I mean, I realize that's not maybe something that you value, but I mean, going to college, I kind of see a lot of people every day who just don't talk.
I mean, I'm sitting in my math classes, and it's like pulling tea trying to get a conversation out of people.
Everyone's just kind of got their own little click, their own little bubble, and she's not afraid to go outside of that bubble and meet new people.
She's One, I would honestly kind of say that she's a little more lighthearted than most people.
For whatever reason, people like to joke.
I mean, dark humor in college.
Like, you know, everything's fine because I'm dead on the inside and she's just not like that.
She's very light. She's very bubbly.
She just genuinely enjoys laughing and, you know, having a good time.
Does she know about your history with the Adversitality Experience score?
Not in detail, no.
She knows, like, general, like, my mother and I, I mean, my mother and I get along fairly well now, but, you know, she just knew that, well, actually, I told her, my mother's 5'4", and I'm 6'0", so I, you know, I make the joke all the time, like, you know, dynamite comes in small packages, but so does shit. You know, just kind of messing with her.
Wait, what? You're saying this about your mom, that dynamite comes in small packages and so does shit?
Yes. I get the dynamite thing.
I don't really understand the scatological reference.
It's just my mother was the one that always made the comment, like, dynamite comes in small packages.
And I just, you know, my father and I both kind of joked like, yeah, but, you know, so does crap.
But why does crap come in small packages?
I'm not trying to be dense.
I don't quite understand it. I mean, like, small relatively, I suppose.
Like, you know, actually, like, physical size.
Oh, like, so when you take a dump, it's smaller than your body, obviously, right?
You mean that kind of stuff? Yeah, right.
So, your mother threatens to cut off your penis, and you call her a bag of shit.
I suppose so, yes.
But you get along fine.
I mean... I'm not saying bag of shit, you know, to hurt her feelings.
It's never in, like, you know, pure serious moment.
It's always in a joking kind of manner.
Oh, like the, you're not as well hung as the other guy I banged kind of jokey joke.
I suppose so, yeah.
You see this, right? Right.
You don't call someone full of shit unless you're really angry.
Even as a joke. In fact, as a joke, it's even worse.
Because it's a cowardly expression of anger, right?
Right. Dynamite is used to destroy things.
And I guess shit is just used to make things smell bad.
Well, no. Shit is what is left over after your body destroys food, right?
Right. Shit is crap that you dump, that you get rid of.
That is unpleasant and you want to flush as soon as humanly possible.
Correct. Hmm.
So, you have negative thoughts and emotions you say about these one-night stands with the girl constantly.
So, that's before the incident, is that right?
Uh, yes. And what were you thinking with these negative thoughts?
What do you mean? Um, I... I personally very much look down on one-night stands.
To me, it kind of seems like maybe you're a bit broken if you do stuff like that.
Something's not connecting.
You don't feel loved. Something like that.
So you turn to these little short-term pleasurable moments to fill that in.
And my parents stressed highly against that.
My father especially. It's just like, you know, if you're going to do that, then you need to make sure that your heart's in the right place.
Nice. If you're going to allow yourself to be used for your orifices, you need to make sure that your heart is in the right place?
I don't understand what that means.
Well, that was more so in reference to like, if you're going to do it, you need to make sure that, you know, you're in a relationship and you actually trust this person.
Oh, if you're going to have sex with someone, you need to make sure your heart's in the right place.
Right, right, right. Okay, you're meeting in a relationship, right.
Well, the one thing that's true, that's very clear, empirically true about a woman who has a series of one-night stands is that none of the men like her.
Because if they liked her, they'd try to make her their girlfriend, right?
Right. Or they like her, but she doesn't like them.
But if she doesn't like them, why is she letting their penises into her body?
Because that's the one thing you know.
That's why it's called the walk of shame.
Because you just had sex with someone you don't like.
That's what's shameful about it, is you've conducted yourself in an intimate and bonding way with someone you despise or feel contempt for or feel indifferent towards you've used someone or been used.
Do you know the men who she had sex with?
Uh, yes. And what do you think of them?
Um... I don't personally know.
I mean, I found out about this and I obviously think a little bit lesser of him now than I did.
And the other one, he was actually my suite mate my sophomore year.
I already knew he was kind of a loose cannon, off the wall kind of guy.
Yeah, look, men can fucking fly more easily than women can.
And it's just biology, it's intimacy, it's submission, so to speak, it's vulnerability and so on.
You know, like a woman's usually pinned by a guy one and a half to two times her size, right?
So it's much more dangerous for women to engage in this stuff than for men, although these days it's quite dangerous for men as well.
What do you know about her childhood, Greg?
One of the things I'd actually learned very recently was she grew up and she hated her mother.
I haven't gotten explicit details on that, but she really just – I mean, she doesn't feel like she can connect with anyone and I – or, well, not with anyone.
She feels like – or she says she feels like she can connect with me.
And I kind of figured that after her best friend wouldn't even come to Topgolf with us was obviously a lack of a bond somewhere.
Something very important was missing.
Why did she hate her mom? I'm not entirely sure.
It's funny you said, I don't know explicitly.
So you've had explicit sex, but you don't know explicit history.
It's a very dangerous combo, man.
You are Russian rouletting yourself.
You've got to find out about people's childhoods before you have sex with them.
Because you don't know if you're pulling the pin on a bunny boiler, man.
I'm telling you that right now.
Learn about people's childhoods, learn about their histories before you pop your cork.
It's really, really important because you got to stay safe these days and it is a dangerous world out there for loose cannon boomerang dicks.
I'm telling you that right now.
I think I have a better understanding of that now.
Right. What about her father?
As far as I know, and as far as we've talked about, her father, although she didn't hate him, it doesn't seem like they had a connection either.
It just kind of seems like he was there, effectively.
Like, that was it. Just a presence in the house, I guess, maybe to maintain order.
Hmm. Right.
Right. And do you know why she hates her mom?
I know I asked that.
You don't have any clue at all, right?
The only dumb thing I can figure is her mother, as a punishment, would make them eat green olives.
That's literally the biggest thing I know.
And it seems like the only way she connects with her family is through board games.
Yeah, yeah. Well, I'll tell you this, man.
I mean, this is not empirical and this is not factual.
This is just my particular standpoint is that if the woman is promiscuous, I just assume sexual abuse.
I'm certainly happy to be proven wrong and it's not 100% correlation.
It's just my first thought.
And that doesn't mean anything in the household and it doesn't mean penetration or it just Inappropriate sexual contact or inappropriate sexual situations.
I'm just throwing that out there as my particular starting point.
And certainly, if something bad had happened to her, it'd explain why she would be so mad at her mom.
Right. Don't say, were you sexually abused?
Like, if you talk to her about it, just, you know, could be completely wrong, but just ask her more about her history.
Right. Kind of, you know, be respectful.
Yeah, just curious, right?
I mean, we all come from a long history.
We all come from a long history.
And it's done stuff to us, both good and bad.
We've negotiated with it rightly and wrongly.
We've pursued or avoided our histories, productively or unproductively.
And you can't know the person without knowing the history.
And it's not like the history is the person.
But it's behind the person. And you either are owned by your history or you're responding to your history.
But nobody's unaffected by it.
So... What she should have done...
Is...
If she was surrounded by good friends...
Was her friend who said, I'm not part of this conversation, was she drunk?
No, definitely not.
Okay. So her friend was sober.
So her friend... Remembered that conversation for sure, right?
Absolutely. So, if she had any kind of decent friends, her friend would, as soon as humanly possible, as soon as humanly possible, with any, like before you guys went to bed with the garbage can in case she vomited from alcohol, before, as soon as humanly possible, she takes her friend aside and said, do you know what you said to Greg?
Do you know what you said to him just now?
You said this. You have got to apologize.
You've got to say it was wrong.
You've got to tell him it was a lie.
I don't care. You've got to fix this.
This is a terrible thing to say to a guy.
It's one of the worst things you can say to a man.
And she should have, if she had any kind of halfway decent friend, have come to you that night and said, you know, I just said an absolutely terrible thing.
It would be unforgivable if I didn't come to you right now and say, I just said a terrible thing.
I don't know what was going on in my head.
I can't claim the excuse of being drunk because being drunk doesn't dictate who you are and in wine there is truth, as the old saying goes.
I am so sorry. How are you doing?
What a terrible thing to say.
You know, and you talk honestly, and you may be a little alarmed or whatever, right?
But at some point, you'd actually sit there and talk it out.
It may take all night. You sit there and you talk it out until you figure out what the hell happened and why.
And then you're closer to each other, and you have more trust in each other because you had a big problem and you worked it the hell out, which means trust grows, right?
You have a problem, you fail, trust weakens.
You have a problem, you succeed, trust grows, right?
Right. Let's say that her friend didn't do that.
Well, she remembered. So she had a choice, right?
Your girlfriend. She had a choice.
She could have come to you and said, I kind of half remember saying something like, how was I last night?
Or you seem upset.
Or you seem distant. Or, you know, like, what's going on?
Whatever, right? Just be proactive with the problems that you have, right?
Be proactive. But instead...
What did she do? She ignored.
She buried. She repressed. She pretended nothing happened.
And then when she got caught, she cried.
And she made it all about her.
And you had to fix the worst insult just about that a man can receive.
And you never got an apology at all.
Right, Greg? Two weeks later, I did.
All right. What happened there?
I mean, it had gnawed at me for two weeks and I finally had had enough and I confronted her with it.
Oh, you didn't get an apology then.
You confronted her. That doesn't count.
Right. It was, I guess, a reciprocated apology to my, you know, being aggressive about the...
Okay, so you got mad and you were like, I can't take this anymore, right?
Right. And what did you say? I, you know, I said, I said, it felt like you didn't care about my feelings.
If you did, you wouldn't have said that at all, much less in front of your friend.
And I thought it was very disrespectful that you would say something like that.
And yet again, kind of devolved into the situation of she said, I'm, you know, she said, I'm sorry, and I'd never meant to hurt you.
And then it devolved into I'm crying again and me comforting her again.
I never meant to hurt you.
That's just garbage talk.
That's a bullshit non-apology.
Because then it means that, oh, I never meant to hurt you, basically puts the onus on you.
Well, you got hurt because you're paranoid.
I never meant to hurt you.
I don't know. He means well.
I mean, it doesn't mean anything.
Of course she meant to hurt you.
Nobody says that without meaning to hurt someone.
It's ridiculous. I punched you in the nads consciously, but you see, Greg, I never meant to hurt you.
Why are you punching me in the dance then?
Oh, I was hoping you weren't going to ask that question.
Comfort me now. Bullshit.
Okay, so you never got an apology.
Right. What else do you need to know?
She was horrible to you.
She tried to cover it up.
She tried to bury it. When she realized that you weren't going to just pretend nothing happened, she played the victim card.
She never brought it up again, and then when you brought it up again, she pretended to apologize, she blamed you, she cried, and you comforted her again.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with your mom, or not so much?
Not so much.
Yeah, well.
It's not a woman who has self-knowledge.
This is not a woman who takes ownership, not a woman who takes responsibility.
So you are in grave danger here.
You're in grave danger here.
Because you have sex with unstable women, they will bond with you, man.
You become their endorphin supply.
Let me tell you something else. Sperm is an antidepressant for women.
I know. Sounds crazy.
Look it up. It's true.
One of the reasons why women are so depressed and anxious these days, they're not getting the sperm.
Sperm is an antidepressant for women.
Which means that, oh yeah, she's getting addicted to you.
And if she has unstable or problematic bonds, it means that when she gets addicted to you, she's really gonna get addicted to you, my friend.
And then you're like, hmm, Kind of claustrophobic.
I... I think I need some space.
Can't get any space.
Can't get any air.
Must get out!
And then you know what she does?
Maybe. Probably not, but maybe.
Well... She says, you know that time that I was drunk?
I don't think I really wanted to have sex.
But he seemed really insistent, so...
We had sex anyway.
And now, he's just throwing me aside like a used Kleenex.
Well, he has responsibilities.
He better treat me well.
Because I remember that time when we had sex and I didn't really want to.
And I could make one phone call.
And his life will be destroyed.
So you better be fucking nice to me, Gregory.
You got it? Probably not.
But it happens. You know it.
I know it. And you don't know her history.
You don't know her instabilities.
You don't know where this bonding crap is coming from.
You don't know where this horrible verbal abuse came from.
You don't know where this avoidance is coming from.
You don't know where this inability to admit fault and apologize is coming from.
You don't know where this lack of empathy is coming from.
You don't know anything other than hair's vagina.
Do you often, when you're out hiking, just grope into holes and see what's in there?
Could be gold! Could be a gopher!
Could be a snake! Could be a grenade!
Welcome to College Dating.
I mean, I guess when you put it like that, that makes a lot of sense.
Can't you find yourself a nice Christian girl, Greg?
I think I need to.
It might not be the worst idea in the world, my friend.
I definitely see that now, yeah.
Next thing you know, she's got to take a course on feminism.
And then you're like tied to a tree of patriarchy and there's one of those little gunpowder trails.
Hey, what's that? If one of these blue rinse pudgy nose ring girls gets her claws into this, this woman is very susceptible.
Her head could be turned like that.
Right? Right.
And then you will truly know what the gods said in the ancient world when they said, take what you want and then pay for it.
And I am trying to help you not have to pay for it.
You know, as well as I do, Greg.
At the moment, she may be great down the road, but at the moment, This ain't wife and mom material.
Come on. She's 21 years old.
She has no experience in any kind of relationship.
And what's even worse than that, here's the other thing which she could be doing, right?
So she knows a little bit about your dating history, I assume, right?
Right. So this is what a sane, responsible woman would do.
She'd say, hmm, okay, so this guy's had a bunch of girlfriends.
He was in a relationship for a year and a half and he was in his mid-teens.
That's a hard time to stay in a relationship.
Lots of hormones, lots of drama, lots of pressure.
So this guy knows a lot more than I do about being in a relationship, right?
So what would a sane woman do?
Try to absorb as much information from me as she could?
Well, maybe from you, but from someone.
She might sit there and say, wow, I got to pick up a book on how to deal with people in a relationship.
I got to go maybe get some therapy.
I mean, it's free. I'm a student.
I got to watch some Dr.
Phil. I got to read some John Gray.
I've got to, you know, I got to read something.
I got to learn. I got to catch up here.
Right? Right.
Gregory speaks Japanese.
We're both moving to Japan.
I might want to learn some Japanese.
Japanese is an analogy, by the way.
But she doesn't even seem to know that she doesn't know.
Right? Right.
She thinks she's got it down when it comes to relationships.
Well, I'll just ignore things.
I'll pretend to apologize and I'll cry.
You know, just like the books recommend...
We did have a conversation about that.
I told her it really felt like this was a one-sided relationship.
It's just me doing all the lifting.
Since then, she's at least attempted to make some changes.
But I still understand what you're saying.
She's going to have to make leaps and bounds to catch up to my experience or even my knowledge just in the dating arena.
And she doesn't, I mean, especially if it's not modeled with her parents, right?
So she's got a manipulative mom and a distant dad, right?
Right. So she manipulates you and you are emotionally disconnected.
Okay, so yeah, great.
You reproduced your parents' marriage in your first serious relationship.
Ooh, never seen that before.
But she doesn't even seem to know.
Well, to be fair, Gregory, you're slightly behind the curve for one of these listeners for figuring out these patterns too, right?
I mean, how long have you listened to this show for?
Easily about two years.
OK. OK. Got problems with a girlfriend.
Wait. Why is he asking about my mom?
Right. Right.
Come on. I don't know. It's like people just flip through this show and think they're growing like people just buy a diet book, put it under the bed, and think they got to lose weight.
I don't know. I ordered that exercise equipment that's gathering dust in the closet.
I don't know why. I'm not getting more muscular.
You know these patterns, right?
Correct. And I don't think you have, you know, perfectly frank, right?
I mean, you're a great guy. Don't get me wrong.
You're a great guy. And you're going to be a great catch for some woman someday.
But, you know, you're 22.
Oh, it's so annoying to be told that.
I'm so sorry, but it's true.
You're 22 and you've still got some work to do so that you don't get caught in this kind of sticky web honey trap, right?
Right. If she's not working night and day, she's not going to be able to catch up.
It's not going to happen. If she hasn't apologized...
See, this is what you want.
You want...
This is way back in the day.
There used to be these things called TSRs.
This is back in the old days when you had to high load programs so you could get most of your 640k in DAS. TSR, terminate and stay resident programs.
And, I mean, I'm sure that they're still there.
It's all this weird processes going on in your task manager, right?
But anyway, terminate and stay resident.
And if you want to have a successful relationship, you need one of these.
Terminate and stay resident. You're not constantly obsessing about everything you do, but you've got that observing ego.
You're looking and you're seeing how things are going.
How are things going? How are things going?
How are things going? And you review your own behavior, particularly after a conflict.
If your partner's unhappy, you sit there and say, hmm, okay.
Well, he's giving me pretty good clues here because he did tell me after two days that he was bothered about my penis-sized comment, which was horrible for me to do.
And then he brought it up two weeks later again.
So the first time that he brought it up, it didn't work out.
It didn't get fixed.
Why? Well, what I did was I... Kind of cried and made it all about me.
Now, so that didn't work.
So then the second time he brought it up two weeks later, well, I kind of cried and made it all about me.
So that is not solving the problem.
You understand this is what you need.
This is basic bitch relationship 101 stuff, right?
Just like if you don't have this, you got nothing.
You got to track what you're doing.
And figure out if you're doing the right thing.
If you're doing something that works.
Now clearly, what she has been doing hasn't worked.
Because one cutting comment she made weeks later, it's still a big problem.
It wasn't like, Greg, tell me if I'm wrong, but it wasn't like the last time you brought this up, two weeks after the first time, that it's all been solved, right?
Right. Right?
Because she's still crying and you're still comforting her after you're the offended party.
So... She's not tracking her behavior and seeing if it's working, which means she's not going to change.
What she's doing is what most people do.
And what she's doing, Gregory, my friend, what she's doing is figuring out how she can win in the moment to hell with the future.
How can I win in the moment?
How can I get what I want in the moment?
And what she wants is not for you to feel better, but for the problem to go away and to not deal with the mess that she's made, right?
And she's fine with that.
Just empirically 100% certain she's fine with that.
How do I know that? Because she's not bringing it up.
She's not sitting there saying, you know, I couldn't sleep last night, man.
I'm thinking about this comment that I made, the fact that it keeps coming up, the fact that I did the same thing twice in a row, that can't be satisfying.
Like I'm trying to put myself in your shoes and if you'd said something cutting and vicious about my sexual capacities or attributes, that would burn for me, man.
You know, it's still sitting with you.
It's, you know, we haven't solved it.
And it's my job to solve it because I caused the problem.
So help me, like, help me understand.
Like you understand, that's just basic being a vaguely decent human being and caring about someone is you're putting aside your own vanity, your own ego, your own bullshit and just saying, you know, things went pretty bad there.
I've not fixed it. So let's talk.
She's not doing that. If you don't bring this up again, it will never get brought up again.
Because she doesn't care that you feel bad about it.
She doesn't care that it bothers you.
She only cares when it bothers her.
And then she'll just say and do anything to make it go away in the moment.
And you play along with it because of your mom.
So you're both trapped in this bullshit of history.
It's not a relationship.
It's a hideaway camp.
It's an avoidance of history.
It's attempting to normalize the dysfunctions of the past by reproducing them in the present and calling it virtue.
And your mom, see this is the fundamental thing about moms and girlfriends, right?
Your mom had power over you because she was the mom and the girlfriend has power over you because she has a vagina.
And men, we got to reach down, grab ourselves by the balls, pull them down, step up and stop being controlled by women.
Stop being controlled by women.
If a woman says something vicious to you, you talk to her about it, and she sniffles in self-pity and makes it all about her, get the fuck up and walk out.
Stop being controlled by women.
It's disrespectful to you.
It's disrespectful to women.
And by the way, Gregory, it's killing our entire civilization.
Just by the by. No pressure, man.
But it is. Just stop being controlled by women.
Have your standards. Respect women to the point where you don't lower your standards for them.
You understand that lowering standards for someone is the most contemptuous and insulting thing that you can do.
And if you lower your standards for women, don't lower your pants to have sex with them too, because that's gross.
That's gross. If you can't have the same standards for women that you have for other people in your life, Don't have sex with them.
It's very dangerous.
And wrong, fundamentally.
Because you're saying, well, I don't respect you enough to be honest with you.
I don't respect you enough to have high standards for you.
I'm going to treat you like a child.
But let's have sex. Ew.
Ew, man, that's no good.
And I'm not saying this because...
I think you should feel bad.
I don't at all think you should feel bad.
I'm not saying this because I think you should kick yourself or feel wrong or feel like you've done something wrong.
I'm just saying this to reorient you to look at something better, look at something higher, look at something more noble.
To reconnect your balls to your values, you know, as God intended.
I'm serious about that, right?
You know that, right? Sex within monogamous marital...
I'm not saying wait till marriage forever.
But what I'm saying is that sexuality, when connected with values, is one of the most beautiful things in adulthood.
It almost makes up for taxation.
But sex that's disconnected from values is animalistic.
It is exploitive.
A trap. And it's dangerous.
It's dangerous for STDs.
It's dangerous for bunny boilers.
It's dangerous for Title IX investigations.
Even though I know they've been diminished somewhat, they're still dangerous.
It is dangerous because you end up...
We are what we repeatedly do.
We are who we repeatedly do.
If you repeatedly have sex with low-quality people, you just become low-quality.
And then you can't get out.
You understand? You just can't get out.
Because that's where you've bonded.
Save yourself for a heroine.
Save yourself for somebody great.
Save yourself for somebody noble.
Say, oh, well, they're hard to find.
Yeah, they are. Yeah, they are.
So are diamonds. So is the truth.
So is gold. Do we sit there and say, well, you know, it's tough to find diamonds, so...
Let's just grab pebbles from the road and call them beautiful.
No. Yeah, they're hard to find.
But they're a lot easier to find if you stop banging immature half-trolls.
That makes it impossible to find.
Like, if all you're doing is walking up and down the road, picking up stones, guess what?
You're not finding diamonds because they're not there.
So... Stop casting your balls before swine.
Stop chasing with Captain Save-A-Chick delusions of grandeur about how your mighty penis can extract dysfunction from women like a syringe drawing venom out of a vein.
It's not your job to fix people.
It's not your job to rescue women.
It's not your job to appease women.
It's not your job to coddle women and it's not your job to manage women.
It's your job to be a good man, strong man.
And then, when you are a good and strong man, I'm not saying you're not, but you know, we all have that gap to close.
When you are a good and strong man, the most amazing thing happens.
It's pretty wild. The diamonds.
Well, they come to you. They come to you because, trust me, The women are looking for diamonds, too.
And they're as frustrated that they can't find them.
And when you're trolling around with this kind of bullshit, Gregory, women look at you and say, could be a great guy.
What's he doing with this woman?
And they're like, that's a shame.
I guess I just have to keep looking.
Well, why don't you be the end of the search for them?
Why don't you be the guy? Great.
This guy's great. Hallelujah.
I found my diamond. I could stop looking.
Be that guy. Don't be the guy they have to step over.
because he's slagging V cannon in the underworld I definitely understand Praise be! Praise be.
All right. Well, thanks. Let me know how it goes.
All right? All right.
Will do. Thank you for the call. Thanks, man.
I appreciate it. Thank you, everyone.
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